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[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | Ander stood shackled to a post in the middle of the courtroom, tuning his ears for the sentence that would decide his life.
It was hard to see, the walls made entirely of stone- ebonite, as dark as the night of a new moon- and was only lit by sparse torches burning a deep red. As such, Ander’s best bet was to just wait for the emperor to say his sentence rather than look for him to walk up to the podium.
Coughs echoed from the jury on either side of the room from the musty smoke smell that was abundant in the courtroom. Ander didn’t know which was truly worse, to be the judge and smell like this constantly or get the death sentence. Thinking about it, the latter sounded better.
“Mr. Ander,” A growl came from in front of him. He looked up to see the emperor, dressed in his formal black and red attire. The most prominent things were his eyes, the glowing red slits seething scorn and hatred. A chill ran down his spine, and it felt as if all the warmth ran away in panic from his body.
“E-Emperor, sir…”
“You have committed a very dire crime in the eyes of the empire, are you aware of what you are being accused of?”
“Uh,” his lips tremored. It was hard to keep it together, “I think, d-disobeying orders, my lord…”
“You think?”
“I- Uh… yes. Uh- Yes Emperor Sir!”
“Well I think you should know what you are being tried for, or else this will all seem nonsense to you.”
“Of course, S-sir.”
“You have been charged with disobeying the orders of your direct commanding officer. Do you have a defense prepared?”
“D-Defense? No, my Lord.”
“No Defense! Nothing! Tiberius gave you no one to help you prepare?!” The emperor screamed. Everyone winced back, the torches in the room exploding. With a gesture, all the torches came back, providing the same dim illumination as before.
“This court is adjourned. Ander, you are free to go.”
“My lord?!”
“You heard me. Free to go. I shall not have an unfair trial in my empire. You are a citizen of my country, you deserve equal rights and liberties under the law.”
Most of that sentence went over Ander’s head, but all he needed was the first part. He deeply bowed as the guard-chimeras unshackled him, “Thank you my lord!”
Ander was escorted out of the room, grinning madly. He wasn’t going to die! He wasn’t going to be executed! He could see his family! Maybe he could just lie low, live on the farm with the rest of his siblings. It was a simple life, no one would disturb him there.
“That fool Tiberius,” He heard the Emperor mutter from behind him, “If I hear about one more rigged trial it shall be him who goes to the guillotine!”
The warmth returned to Ander as he walked out of the evil building and into the fresh sunlight. The guard-chimeras handed him his things, and he was off into the world, as a free man once again.
| Rupert had a tattoo, long hair, and seemingly permanent eye liner. This made him the 'Bad Prince' in a society that was much too nice for it's own good. Everyone had their opinion on the him but he never payed them any mind. He figured he would resurrect the art of heavy metal and had been working for a few years to get his band off the ground. That is until suddenly he was thrust into power. His father had decided to step down to start a potato farm. When Rupert asked him what he needed to know to run the kingdom his father replied, "Just stamp the papers on your desk in the morning. Everything kind of runs itself." "This was the problem with society," Rupert thought. Everyone was just too damn nice. There hasn't been war for centuries but if there were they would be wiped out. They were just sitting ducks. So he decided to start the military back up. People lined up in a hurry to be a part of this great plan. This was the proof Rupert needed that there was something people were longing for. The people that signed up though this was part of a play and that it was about time the government got into producing plays. Other nations saw his actions as trying to start up a war that no one was prepared to fight. They tried to convince him otherwise but Rupert stuck to his plan. After months of bootcamp and training they were ready for deployment. They had one of the most stellar war reenactments anyone could ever hope for. From all the readings of the history books Rupert had the force he had dreamed of. And the play was a success. It wouldn't be long before other countries started their own armies and put on plays of their own. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | "There, you each get half of a child" I said with a mirthful grin, spreading my fingers as I leaned back and eyed my victims.
"So...we can adopt?" Said Merigille, the fishwife.
"Yes, you have to share a squalling pile of human filth" I said with a leer, my heart nearly burst with their misfortune.
"Oh thank the nine!" Cried Fosriel the weaver as she embraced Merigille.
"And....she may never become a ward of the state, else you will both mine the salt coasts till your deaths" I said, what a beautiful idea, the child was already foretold to suffer a miserably normal life until she joined my personal guard out of guilt or something called "gratitude."
The two embraced in their misery, having to share such an intense burden.
"Next case!" I cried as the weeping couple was escorted out of the tomb of judgement. Let the next supplicant suffer my unjust ruling. | Rupert had a tattoo, long hair, and seemingly permanent eye liner. This made him the 'Bad Prince' in a society that was much too nice for it's own good. Everyone had their opinion on the him but he never payed them any mind. He figured he would resurrect the art of heavy metal and had been working for a few years to get his band off the ground. That is until suddenly he was thrust into power. His father had decided to step down to start a potato farm. When Rupert asked him what he needed to know to run the kingdom his father replied, "Just stamp the papers on your desk in the morning. Everything kind of runs itself." "This was the problem with society," Rupert thought. Everyone was just too damn nice. There hasn't been war for centuries but if there were they would be wiped out. They were just sitting ducks. So he decided to start the military back up. People lined up in a hurry to be a part of this great plan. This was the proof Rupert needed that there was something people were longing for. The people that signed up though this was part of a play and that it was about time the government got into producing plays. Other nations saw his actions as trying to start up a war that no one was prepared to fight. They tried to convince him otherwise but Rupert stuck to his plan. After months of bootcamp and training they were ready for deployment. They had one of the most stellar war reenactments anyone could ever hope for. From all the readings of the history books Rupert had the force he had dreamed of. And the play was a success. It wouldn't be long before other countries started their own armies and put on plays of their own. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | I stared down at the men levelling their blades at me. I spied several of the palace guard amidst the swelling ranks in my throne room. I turned to my head guard for assistance and was met his sword leveled at me.
"Really Hector? A coup? How bold." I smiled blithely down the blade before turning back to the crowd. "And Doctor Leach too? I didn't know you had it in you. And is that old Captain Hulm? Well, blow me... Come on the, do tell... Who was the mastermind of all this?" A pause hung heavy between us. "Don't be shy... I'm *impressed*." A short runt of boy was pushed forth, the crowd closing behind him. Separated from his legion he looked weak and weedy, clutching his sickle like his life depended on it. He probably thought it did. Poor kid.
"Dark L-lord Azimuth of Duskbridge. W-w-we come, ah, before you, to... ummm."
"I'll wait." I grinned. This only flustered the poor whelp even further. He looks back at the stonefaced mob behind him. He sighed, before raising his sickle and proclaiming,
"Dark Lord Azimuth, We have come before you to defend our rights as citizens and put an end to your tyranny."
"That's a noble sentient. I'd probably have been more worried if you *weren't* shaking like a leaf. A+ for effort though." I stand to gave him a round of applause. Everyone in the room tightened their grip on their weapons. "Oh, for godsake, lower your weapons. You'll have someone's eye out."
"We will not be mock, Azimuth." A voice boomed from the crowd.
"Me? Mocking? *Wouldn't dream of it*." I raised an eyebrow, "Now... what was it you wanted?"
"Your head on a spike and your tyranny gone from this land!" The same voice bellowed.
"My good sir, I do believe you're drunk. Now, anyone sober, what do you hope to gain from deposing me?"
I walked up to the head of the crowd. I leaned in closer. Long black robe trailing behind, I paced. "Anyone?"
"War."
I spun. It was Hector. "War, Hector? Why? To what end? Because you of all people know it's never war for the sake of war." I rolled my eyes. "It's because people *want* something. So I'll ask again. What *exactly* do you people want?"
"Freedom." It was the boy, his sickle hung limply at his side as he shrugged, almost like he wasn't sure of his motivation himself.
"Ok, freedom. Good. But freedom from what, exactly? What oppression do you know in your day to day lives?" I returned to my throne.
"Freedom from your evil tyranny."
"See, you keep using that word... Tyranny. You think me a *tyrant*? I am no such thing. A tyrant is one who rules with an Iron Fist over a domain he has no claim to. I do Neither. I have not been harsh on my people. I have been a merciful, dare I say kind, ruler. And as to claim, I inherited the crown from my father, he from his, he from his and he won it in a poker game from a man who inherited it from his. The crown and land are mine, because their previous owner said so. Look it up, I have a legal claim to all this land. I own all your homes, all your businesses, all your livelihoods and I could evict you if I so chose. But I don't. I don't even demand excessive taxes. I offer social welfare and state subsidised education. Does that sound tyrannical to you? What about the justice system? A fair trial to be judged by an impartial judge and a jury of your peers. I'd like to say that sounds just and fair, right? We don't even demand military service in exchange for your rights. Dear Gods, I'm almost *too* generous."
"You are an evil and wicked man!" The boy's voice wavered.
"Am I? Sorry, must have missed a memo. But what exactly do I do, or fail to do, that gives you justification to call me that?"
"You levelled three whole streets on Riverside just last week." He cried out.
"The housing was no longer up to standard and a drake infestation made the entire area a fire hazard. The citizens have been relocated."
"To the bone orchard." One of them muttered.
"No, to a community housing area in the northern quarter." I sighed.
"You allow, no, *welcome* Alchemists and Necromancers into your court."
"*Scientists* and *Medics*." I corrected.
"They're experimenting on corpses!"
"How else are they to study anatomy? I couldn't very well condone letting inexperienced medical students loose on *living* citizens, could I?"
"What about the way you dabble with black magic?" Yelled the drunkard from the back of the crowd.
"Not magic. Science."
"Your jester made a joke at your expense a few days ago, no one's heard from him since." Another called out.
"He came down with a nasty flu. Doctor Leach can back me up here. He's recovering, which is just as well. Things have been so very dull without him."
"You introduce yourself as Dark Lord Azimuth of Duskbridge, Dreadmaster of the Midknight Guard. Come on, admit it, you are Evil."
"The Title came with the crown. There are seven Dark Lords under the High King, and not one of them is tyrannical. Each of the seven darklands has a democratic consil, a social safety net and free health care. That's why its a *Dark* Lord, by the way, because I rule a Darkland. I can't just change name of my position."
"You... you..." they struggled for a justification.
Finally, "You, uh, wear... an awful lot of skulls for a, ummm, not-evil Dark Lord? All the crown jewls are skull shaped too. Your throne is decorated with them."
"That," I said, nodding sagely, "Is becase Skulls look *Awesome*." | Rupert had a tattoo, long hair, and seemingly permanent eye liner. This made him the 'Bad Prince' in a society that was much too nice for it's own good. Everyone had their opinion on the him but he never payed them any mind. He figured he would resurrect the art of heavy metal and had been working for a few years to get his band off the ground. That is until suddenly he was thrust into power. His father had decided to step down to start a potato farm. When Rupert asked him what he needed to know to run the kingdom his father replied, "Just stamp the papers on your desk in the morning. Everything kind of runs itself." "This was the problem with society," Rupert thought. Everyone was just too damn nice. There hasn't been war for centuries but if there were they would be wiped out. They were just sitting ducks. So he decided to start the military back up. People lined up in a hurry to be a part of this great plan. This was the proof Rupert needed that there was something people were longing for. The people that signed up though this was part of a play and that it was about time the government got into producing plays. Other nations saw his actions as trying to start up a war that no one was prepared to fight. They tried to convince him otherwise but Rupert stuck to his plan. After months of bootcamp and training they were ready for deployment. They had one of the most stellar war reenactments anyone could ever hope for. From all the readings of the history books Rupert had the force he had dreamed of. And the play was a success. It wouldn't be long before other countries started their own armies and put on plays of their own. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | "Litch king! You will secede from your ill gotten empire of face your end!" The man yelled, drawing his sword and book as he entered the council chambers. "For we have conjured light magic beyond comprehension!"
Arieanna seethed in anger as she went for her sword. I lifted my hand to stop her. "Council, we'll reconvene later to discuss the issue of the drought and follow it up with a security council and corruption check. I swear if it's the damned *boat mormons* again I will metaphorically burn their cathedrals to the ground with taxes." The council gathered their bookkeeping from the great round table and filed out of the room, some pausing to survey the scene with concern until I nodded to them in reassurance.
"With none left to be harmed, I can show you the err of your ways!" He opened his book and dropped it on the table, he and his band of warriors pulling out crystals. "You will repent and beg before being sent back to the-"
"I have to interrupt you, but who are you?" I stopped him.
"I am the second prince of balerea, m-"
"Which neighbor is that? North?" I turned to Arieanna.
"It's the C class one to the southwest mi'lord." She stayed, voice shaking in fury.
"C class? Really?" I raised my eyebrows of flame.
"My *name*, is David Marcelo, son of micael, loved by my people-"
"Yeah, I got it David." I cut him off, standing up and crossing my arms. "Can you just get back to the whole *magic beyond comprehension* thing? I'm really busy trying to get the tree but industry to pull back their enterprises and irrigation use for use with some *actual* crops."
"By the light of our god," the prince shouted, holding his crystal aloft, "repent, to Gabriel!"
The crystal shattered and a being in white expanded and rose up, a massive sword pointed at me. I stood dumbfounded.
"I see you speechless as you bear witness to the holy light that stands before you in form litch king!" David laughed confidently, "you will know peace, and your people, freedom from your vile clutches! I will-"
I pressed my thumb and forefinger to each temple and chuckled just loud enough to be heard.
"Hath he gone mad?" One of the prince's warriors asked aloud.
"Enough!" David shouted, "Gabriel, smite thee!"
The angel fired a beam of pure light at me, a slight burning sensation rattled my bones. And after a few seconds, my vision was no longer obscured.
"Wooooooooow-I mean-*oh noh. what am I going to do about a level **four** angel.*" I sarcastically groaned, rolling my head.
"You see the power we possess! And surely you cannot take any more!" David spat confidently. "Resign to your demise litch king!"
"You Dare, deface mi'lord!" Arieanna hissed in rage. "I will cut you down where you st-"
"Arieanna, please." I shut her down. "They barely did a thousand before resistances. I've taken more in raids." I paused with a finger on my chin before deciding to give them a treat, lifting my smallest finger toward the level 4 magic spell. "Rescindio, black hole."
The angel collapsed inward and imploded into oblivion against the level 10 spell. It was overkill by a logarithmic margin, but the look on their faces priceless as they lowered their crystals, likely all level 3 angels judging by the hierarchy.
"What are you waiting for a tour of the empire?" I asked, sitting back down, kicking my skeletal feet up, picking at my teeth. "I'm happy to oblige. Feel free to talk it over, just don't take all day."
As they huddled together Arieanna knelt down next to me. Her steely gaze furiously piercing mine.
"Mi'lord, I can't just allow this affront to your name!" She whispered in elvish, "I beg of you, let me punish their wrongdoings and restore your name! You didn't even use your highest level spell, nor your chosen magic type!"
"That wouldn't be necessary." I noted. "The flat stab bonus was enough to send a message, and a level 25 light spell against another light spell drains mana. I'd rather make them uneasy and resentful than obedient and blind. They'll be more productive this way." David's men un-hustled as he turned around. "Made your decision yet?"
"We will..." david looked to his men then back to myself. "We will take your offer of a tour, litch king."
"Please, call me lord xxTheChosen7xx." I stood, "also, your build is inefficient, you'd be better speced with a helmet than that hood and crown." | Rupert had a tattoo, long hair, and seemingly permanent eye liner. This made him the 'Bad Prince' in a society that was much too nice for it's own good. Everyone had their opinion on the him but he never payed them any mind. He figured he would resurrect the art of heavy metal and had been working for a few years to get his band off the ground. That is until suddenly he was thrust into power. His father had decided to step down to start a potato farm. When Rupert asked him what he needed to know to run the kingdom his father replied, "Just stamp the papers on your desk in the morning. Everything kind of runs itself." "This was the problem with society," Rupert thought. Everyone was just too damn nice. There hasn't been war for centuries but if there were they would be wiped out. They were just sitting ducks. So he decided to start the military back up. People lined up in a hurry to be a part of this great plan. This was the proof Rupert needed that there was something people were longing for. The people that signed up though this was part of a play and that it was about time the government got into producing plays. Other nations saw his actions as trying to start up a war that no one was prepared to fight. They tried to convince him otherwise but Rupert stuck to his plan. After months of bootcamp and training they were ready for deployment. They had one of the most stellar war reenactments anyone could ever hope for. From all the readings of the history books Rupert had the force he had dreamed of. And the play was a success. It wouldn't be long before other countries started their own armies and put on plays of their own. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The door crashed opened as the frame around it disintegrated into kindling. The fur-clad boot that had kicked it open landed with a meaty thud on the stone floors inside the chamber. The wild-eyed warrior held his knicked and scarred blade in front of him as he strode into the room high atop the tallest tower.
"It wasn't locked," the slight man dressed in black said from across the room. The warrior stopped.
"What?" the warrior said.
"The door. It wasn't locked. All you had to do was turn the little handle," the slight man said, miming turning a door handle, "and gently push it open. Now I've got to get Maintenance up here and see about a new door with frame. This room'll be drafty for weeks."
The warrior stared at the slight man sitting in hid highbacked chair of deep red fabrics and dark solid wood. "That, uh, that will be no concern of yours wizard!" The warrior took another step into the room.
"Well of course it is. This is my office and you just knocked the door clean out of the wall."
"No, I, uh, I mean you'll be dead foul demon!"
"Why's that?"
"Sorry?" The warrior had stopped his advance still several paces from the man in the chair.
"Why will I be dead?"
The warrior looked at the yard of gleaming steel in his hand then back to the slight man. "Because I'm going to slay you."
"Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Let me guess, you're some hero from the moutains or the great plains or some other equally gods-forsaken place and you travel the lands seeking fame and fortune. You wandered into one of my neighbors' territories and heard about the 'evil wizard' controlling Dekara? Is that about the shape of it?"
The warrior paused. "... Yes. How come you to this knowledge? Consorting with demons, no doubt. Your very tongue convicts you!"
"You're the fifth one since the Winter Festival. What is it about Spring that makes all you farmboys with delusions of grandeur come storming in? Can't get a date?"
"Enough with your attempts to ensorcel me, tyrant! I shall -"
"Wait," the slight man said, shifting forward in the chair, "how about a deal?"
"I care not for what you might tempt me with for my heart is pure and I seek -"
"Slow down there blondie. Here's the deal. We talk. For ten minutes. I've even got a timer over on the desk. At the end of the ten minutes, if you still want to run me through with that overgrown cheese slicer, I won't fight. Won't even argue."
"What trick is this?"
"No trick. Just ten minutes. Surely you can spare that for a 'condemned man.'"
The warrior stared at the slight man then nodded.
"Excellent!" the slight man said as he stood from his chair and crossed to the balcony. "Come over here, I'll show you something."
The warrior, wary for traps and tricks, trod slowly and softly to the balcony. The wizard was standing on the balcony with his palms down on the railing. The warrior stayed nearer to the relative safety of the door.
Below the balcony, in the courtyard, were at least two dozen people staring up at the two men.
"Good morning all!" the wizard shouted. "We have another hero come to save you all from my evil tyranny!" The crowd laughed.
"So," the wizard continued, "I thought before he does me in that he would like to meet some of you. The Chamberlain summoned you here to talk with this young man. Let's see ... Ah, Tom the Miller, isn't it?"
"Yes guv!" shouted back a dusty man in the middle of the crowd.
"Well, Tom, perhaps you'd be good enough to tell the hero what happened last month after the terrible floods destroyed your mill?"
"It was like this, see? His Highness dere, gave me a very reasonable repair loan at a minimal interest rate. I got me mill up an' runnin' again in no time. He barely even asked for collateral, knowin' 'ow important me mill was."
"You there," the wizard shouted, "Anne the Baker, if I'm not mistaken?"
"Yesssir!" a young woman answered.
"Could you tell the hero how you were able to start your own business after the untimely passing of your beloved husband?"
"I couldn't very well get me bakery up and runnin' with all me kids underfoot, could I? So the Highness there, he made the whatchacallit- Child Care Tax Credit. So I 'ired out me cousin Brenda to watch the little ones and now I've just opened me fifth franchise in Kreun. They love me stickybuns in Kreun!"
The crowd mumbled an assent.
"But surely," the hero said, "you cannot stand to be so oppressed? This black-hearted magician consorts with demons!"
"Son," a white-hair stooped-back old man said, "we don't much care who he consorts with. We haven't had a war in this land since I was a lad. There's nary a kingdom in a hundred days' ride can make the same boast. When the plague came through six winters back, ours was the only kingdom that was laid low. King Reltir - him as before the wizard - had us at war and starving more years than not. Far as we're concerned, the wizard can consort with all the Lords of Hell so long as he keeps treatin' us fair and protectin' our lands!"
A cheer ran up through the crowd. The wizard turned to the hero and smiled.
"You've cast some kind of spell across this land." But the hero's voice wavered as he spoke.
"No, just basic economics. Do you know why we haven't been at war in at least a generation? It's the same reason one of my neighbors sent you here. They have no idea how to run their coutries and their people are getting tired of it. Did you know we have upwards of ten thousand people a year immigrating to our fair land? That's in spite of the rumors about me. If any one of those kingdoms started a war, their people would revolt. Not to mention the fact that I'd call in all the debts they owe us, which would bankrupt any one of them. So it's easier to find some - pardon the term - backwoods lummox to try to kill me. Keeps their hands clean and gets rid of me. Sorry my boy, but you've been duped."
The hero stumbled backwards until he flopped into a chair. His head was shaking "no" and his eyes were unfocused. "So ... So what happens now?" the hero asked.
Six months later, another hero wandered the dirt road leading to the wizard's kingdom.
"HOLD THERE!" a shout rose from the small shack at the edge of the forest to the side of the road. A young man strode out to meet the traveler. "What brings you to our fair land, traveler?"
"I come to slay the evil wizard who has for too long -"
"Hold there traveler. Before you invade, I'd like to tell you a story of another headstrong young hero. He invaded six months ago, had a conversation with the wizard, and then decided to stay on. He found work as a border guard, specializing in heroes."
| Rupert had a tattoo, long hair, and seemingly permanent eye liner. This made him the 'Bad Prince' in a society that was much too nice for it's own good. Everyone had their opinion on the him but he never payed them any mind. He figured he would resurrect the art of heavy metal and had been working for a few years to get his band off the ground. That is until suddenly he was thrust into power. His father had decided to step down to start a potato farm. When Rupert asked him what he needed to know to run the kingdom his father replied, "Just stamp the papers on your desk in the morning. Everything kind of runs itself." "This was the problem with society," Rupert thought. Everyone was just too damn nice. There hasn't been war for centuries but if there were they would be wiped out. They were just sitting ducks. So he decided to start the military back up. People lined up in a hurry to be a part of this great plan. This was the proof Rupert needed that there was something people were longing for. The people that signed up though this was part of a play and that it was about time the government got into producing plays. Other nations saw his actions as trying to start up a war that no one was prepared to fight. They tried to convince him otherwise but Rupert stuck to his plan. After months of bootcamp and training they were ready for deployment. They had one of the most stellar war reenactments anyone could ever hope for. From all the readings of the history books Rupert had the force he had dreamed of. And the play was a success. It wouldn't be long before other countries started their own armies and put on plays of their own. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | "Honey, are you sure about this place?" Miriam looked askance at her husband.
"Of course. Look at the city. It's bustling and they need a good swift food establishment. We'll make good money and live a good life." Vance replied patting her arm soothingly.
"I know dear. It's just. Well this place...something about it..." she murmured looking out the store front at the design of the buildings. Even Vance could not entirely disagree with her as he followed her view around.
The city of Dirathia was the reigning capital of the Scythorian Kingdom. Upon first glance it was a dark and dismal looking place. The buildings designed around severe gothic architecture with ample use of black iron and imposing granite. The guards that patrolled the streets were garbed in charcoal grey and wore helmets that bristled with an imposing spike. Even the parks grew sharp hedges with dark flowers. Areas contained statues of glaring figures or fearsome monsters.
Miriam and Vance had come here to start a new life together. Finding a nice establishment the opened a quick eatery as they called it. A place to get simple food fast for lunch. They haven't had the time to really meet the local people yet and as they got ready to open the environment wore on them.
The door opens and a few people come walking in. The first to do so was a smiling woman dressed in simple but well made clothes bearing a basket. "Hello!" She exclaimed cheerily. "Welcome to Dirathia! My name is Melody and I'm the head of the local business owners guild. Here's a little gift from all of us."
Miriam accepted the basket gratefully and smiled back at the happy woman. The couple introduced themselves and made some of their food for their first customers. Their praise for the food was a huge relief and Miriam was secretly glad that the people here seemed to be much nicer than how it looks.
"That's delicious!" Melody sighed wiping her mouth. "I'm sure y'all will do wonderfully here. I know where I'm coming for lunch when I need it. Is there anything I can help you two with for now?"
The couple shared a look and Miriam spoke hesitantly, "Well. Yes actually. It's about this place. Is it as...scary as it looks?"
Melody chuckles. As she opens her mouth to speak the door opens and two of the guard march in, their iron boots ringing on the wood floor. Behind them sweeps in a slim figure garbed in black clothes. A tall man with long black hair and grey eyes that glittered out of a pale thin face. The other patrons rose and bowed to him and the couple followed suit a moment later.
The man looked around imperiously and waved a hand allowing the patrons to rise. He walked forward and stood in front of Miriam and Vance, a cold and detached look on his face. "You are the owners of this establishment?" His voice was almost emotionless, severe like a sharpened knife.
Miriam and Vance quailed lightly but Vance spoke as calmly as he was able. "Yes sir. My wife and I own the store."
The man nods slightly. "I am Gregor, ruler of the city and the Scythorion kingdom. Your continued existence depends on my goodwill. Do you understand?"
The couple nod, fear building on their faces. "Good." Gregor continues to speak in his emotionless tone. "Make me something to eat. Your finest. Also enough for the guards. I will wait." Without waiting for an answer he calmly walks to a comer booth and sits down, the guards flanking him.
Miriam and Vance rush to make him their favorite meal, knowing their fate is on the line. Panic builds as they cook but Miriam couldn't help but notice that the other patrons don't seem as perturbed. They continue to chat amongst themselves and eat normally. Almost as if they are unaware of the man's demeanor and the atmosphere.
Finally they set the food in front of him and portions for the guards. The couple stands to the side and watch worriedly as he eats. The guards remove their helmets revealing normal and happy faces as they eat. They grunt in appreciation yet Gregor continues to eat in silence.
When they finish he stands and faces the couple. "You may stay. Continue to perform adequately or face my ire. Also do not forget to pay your protection fee." The guards don their helmets while smiling in thanks to the couple. Then they lead the way out with Gregor following.
Miriam shakes so badly she has to sit down and Vance doesn't look much better. "Are you two ok?" Asks Melody with concern.
"Are we ok?! Did you not see what just happened?" Miriam nearly shrieks from nerves.
Surprisingly Melody laughs. "Oh don't worry about all that. Gregor likes to pretend to be all dark and evil. He's quite nice and the kingdom is run very well. The other patrons nod in agreement much to the couple's confusion.
"Really? But the city looks so...."
"Oh that is does. But it's very clean and you get used to the decor. The trash is always cleaned up and you notice the guards always patrol very well. The guards are always so nice too."
"What about his ire?"
"Gregor contributes to the food reviews in the local newspaper. He's very honest."
"Protection fees?"
"Why property tax of course. Just a funny name to it is all."
The couple look so perplexed Melody chuckles some more. "I know he seems all doom and gloom but it's an act. The story is he had aspirations to be an actor before he had to rule the kingdom. Unexpected death of his older brother. He moped a bit before someone suggested he pretend to be "an evil lord". He did run away with it but honestly we live very good lives here. Besides, he can't be that evil if he does this."
She points at the table he was at and Miriam sees several gold pieces sitting in the middle. Almost ten times the price of the food for him and the guards. Cradling the money in her hands she and Vance share a growing smile. Maybe things will be ok after all. | Rupert had a tattoo, long hair, and seemingly permanent eye liner. This made him the 'Bad Prince' in a society that was much too nice for it's own good. Everyone had their opinion on the him but he never payed them any mind. He figured he would resurrect the art of heavy metal and had been working for a few years to get his band off the ground. That is until suddenly he was thrust into power. His father had decided to step down to start a potato farm. When Rupert asked him what he needed to know to run the kingdom his father replied, "Just stamp the papers on your desk in the morning. Everything kind of runs itself." "This was the problem with society," Rupert thought. Everyone was just too damn nice. There hasn't been war for centuries but if there were they would be wiped out. They were just sitting ducks. So he decided to start the military back up. People lined up in a hurry to be a part of this great plan. This was the proof Rupert needed that there was something people were longing for. The people that signed up though this was part of a play and that it was about time the government got into producing plays. Other nations saw his actions as trying to start up a war that no one was prepared to fight. They tried to convince him otherwise but Rupert stuck to his plan. After months of bootcamp and training they were ready for deployment. They had one of the most stellar war reenactments anyone could ever hope for. From all the readings of the history books Rupert had the force he had dreamed of. And the play was a success. It wouldn't be long before other countries started their own armies and put on plays of their own. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The sound of heavy hooves striking the dirt-covered road filled the woods as I approached the town. I was, of course, flanked by the undead wraiths riding beside me but alas, I considered their company annoying.
'Could we not have handled this for you, my lord?' the creature asked, although it sounded more akin to a harsh whisper underneath the heavy armor. 'Sire, those of the Holy Empire would seek your death. Please seek shelter within your castle.'
'I regularly decimate their armies without a second thought and defeat their heroes with ease,' I said atop my powerful steed. 'If they wish to come for me, let them come. Perhaps this time they'll accept my offer of parlay.'
They saw us approaching the town a good distance away and already had the gate raising for us. We slowed our stride as we entered the town, allowing people to stop and stare at us.
Of course, they'd be fearful. The two corpses stitched together within heavy plate armor would cause anyone to feel the chill of death on their spine, although that was a magical power all wraiths had.
But then there was me, a descendant of a demon with the red skin, claws, sharp teeth and horns to match, my corrupted yellow, iris-less eyes scanning far and wide. As with the case of my bodyguards, I wore black, heavy plate armor but with some... accessories, mainly spikes on the pauldrons and joints. My enemies spread rumors that I liked to impale the corpses of mortals and elves upon my armor while on the battlefield, massacring their allies as they bled over me. And to be honest, that did happen but I swear to the gods that was an *accident*.
But of course, I dismounted from my steed and stood at a full eight feet, two heads above my guards and with the humans around me only reaching the height above my belly.
'Your majesty,' the guard said in surprise as he approached me, trying with great might not to let his jitters destroy his posture in fear. Some of his men weren't nearly as composed as he was. 'We had no idea you'd be riding-'
'Of course not,' I halted him with merely a glance. 'That's the whole point of a *surprise* inspection, is it not? It's no use seeing your men in action if they had been rehearsing. Summon the mayor and assemble your men and stand attention outside the barracks immediately. Have them ready for when I return.'
'Of course, sir,' the knight said whilst standing at attention before he ran into the barracks, blowing a horn and causing men to scurry forth from around the pub and other corners of the town.
I, however, began walking into the centre of the town square and watched as the town's mayor stumbled about, trying not to get his clothes soaked within puddles or to trail too much mud on his robes. 'Lord Ebonblade,' the mayor said as he approached me. 'This is an unexpected surprise. Is there... any particular concern I have overseen?'
'If there is, you'd not be a good enough mayor then,' I said as I looked down from him, my arms crossed. 'Off the top of your head, why do you believe I would need to abandon my duties of commanding my armies and defending my people in order to come to this god-forsaken backwater of a farming community?'
'I-I have no idea, my lord,' the mayor said. 'I mean... we send the crops necessary for the troops, we honor the gods as simple townfolk, we honor your tithes... I haven't the faintest thought.'
'Oh, but there was a lie in there,' I growled at him. 'You have indeed been lying about the taxes.'
'But the treasurer always said the amounts were-'
'Never mind what the treasurer has stated!' I yelled. I then turned to the crowd, over towards the town's baker. 'You there! Come forward.'
He was confused for a moment, even fearful. His legs were undoubtedly frozen in terror which meant I had to *enchant* the poor sod's legs to have him approach. 'Y-yes m'l-lord,' he said, shaking badly.
'For every hundred coins you earn, how much are you meant to pay as tribute to me?' I asked him. 'How much do you hand over?'
'Well... m-my wife handles t-t-the money, see?' he said in confusion. 'I just bake the bread.'
I merely sighed, rubbing my fingers into my eyes. 'How much money did you make in the previous week?' I asked.
'About... 200 shillings?' he asked.
'And how much did the tax man collect?' I asked him.
'Oh, 100, sire,' he said to me.
'So, you pay half your income into your taxes,' I said to him, before grabbing the mayor by the throat and strangling him, lifting him up from the ground. 'And there lies the problem. You've been lying to these people about how much tax they owe, haven't you?'
'T-that was what I was told to-' the mayor began to say.
Until he heard the sound of chattering metal coming from his house, a storm of coins shattering his windows, ripping his heavy wooden doors to splinters and pouring from the chimneys before it floated above us.
'Then explain that,' I ordered him. He refused to answer. 'Well, that settles it.'
I released him from my grip, but not to freedom. He floated through the air towards the stockades and found himself locked inside, kicking and screaming like a child throwing a tantrum.
'Let him wallow in there for two days,' I said to the captain as I passed him. 'I'll have a sheriff come and bring him to the capital for abusing his authority for profit. And captain?'
'Yes, my lord?' he asked, much calmer than before.
'You've passed your surprise inspection,' I said with a faint smile before mounting the horse and riding out with my wraiths.
---
**Part 2 Down Below** | Rupert had a tattoo, long hair, and seemingly permanent eye liner. This made him the 'Bad Prince' in a society that was much too nice for it's own good. Everyone had their opinion on the him but he never payed them any mind. He figured he would resurrect the art of heavy metal and had been working for a few years to get his band off the ground. That is until suddenly he was thrust into power. His father had decided to step down to start a potato farm. When Rupert asked him what he needed to know to run the kingdom his father replied, "Just stamp the papers on your desk in the morning. Everything kind of runs itself." "This was the problem with society," Rupert thought. Everyone was just too damn nice. There hasn't been war for centuries but if there were they would be wiped out. They were just sitting ducks. So he decided to start the military back up. People lined up in a hurry to be a part of this great plan. This was the proof Rupert needed that there was something people were longing for. The people that signed up though this was part of a play and that it was about time the government got into producing plays. Other nations saw his actions as trying to start up a war that no one was prepared to fight. They tried to convince him otherwise but Rupert stuck to his plan. After months of bootcamp and training they were ready for deployment. They had one of the most stellar war reenactments anyone could ever hope for. From all the readings of the history books Rupert had the force he had dreamed of. And the play was a success. It wouldn't be long before other countries started their own armies and put on plays of their own. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | Green grass cropped short wiggled in the summer wind. Rosy children in a ring sang a rhyme of a ruler, "just and wise, or just wide". An optimistic din brightened every note, every breath.
As cheers erupted in the distance, their parents appeared, scooping up their children and carrying them to the source of commotion. Colorful and noisy, parade marched down cobbled streets, celebrating all bits of their life. The people cheered at their folk heroes, their entertainers, their musicians, their ancient battle dress. They cheered the most, however, at an effigy. Soon the whole crowd was screaming in delight, for as it passed the people they lit a strand leading to it, until the flames engulfed it: a fat king.
I jostled awake at the sound of wood breaking. "Well, that's new," I murmured as I finished off the goblet of wine resting on my throne. Their damned battering ram had been going for hours, and I actually was lulled to sleep slightly by the constant rhythm of it. I had been up for three days now watching the end of my kingdom, and hoped to catch a glimpse of sleep before the rioters took me. The bonfire I had my last loyal servants build, in the center of the hall, burned bright and strong. They had done a good job and so before they left, I gave them a few recipes and what coin I had left on me.
Even though I had planned this, I still felt a level of fear. While manipulating the social currents wasn't too difficult, I had no idea if the anger of the mob would get the better of them, if I would end up kneeling down with my head in a guillotine. It would all be worth it, either way. My gods have seen that I have stayed true, and promoted a better world for all. I would be rewarded in the afterlife. Not to mention, I still felt a level of pride for making this all work.
I started as a lowly priest charged with making the world a better place in the name of Bekhaim. He commands true justice and righteousness at all costs. As part of our training, we are required to travel, to see injustice manifest so that we might know what it is we truly fight against. And so, I came across these lands. The local lord was cruel to his people, but they accepted it. He was angry at the world, the gods, his land, his people, everything. But in his situation, I saw a chance. His anger was due to being grey in the tooth and yet not having an heir. He did not even have siblings or cousins to take up the mantle of his lineage. And so, I began to offer my services to him, to help him bear a child.
At first, I believed him having a child would make him a better king, but over time the plan changed. He neared the end of his days, and I learned how to navigate the intrigue of his court. I gathered support for myself, and fostered a network of both spies and criers to help me. When the king died, I made a bid for power. My reputation was a shining one, and though some local lords resisted, a few quietly-murmured curses worked wonders for sabotaging their attempts. The lords went back to their strongholds, angry at being usurped. As I began to feel out my role and powers within government, I set to making the people's lives better.
Then the Lord's Revolt happened.
I had decided to start a grain dole, to feed the sick and hungry. This dole would have come from part of the extra grain each lord was allowed to keep to sell to our neighbors, and would have been a fraction of their totals. But the lords convinced the serfs and craftsmen that I was stealing it directly from their table, and so led by their lords, soon my entire kingdom came knocking on my door. In response, I came knocking on the lords' skulls. The people viewed it as a brutal act, and it may have been, but I gave myself divine protections and strength and drove a hammer into their brains. I took direct control of things, and instituted my grain dole.
But the people hated me. They abhorred and despised me, viewed me as a tyrant. They said the grain dole was made to give me an army of undesirables to fight against them. I didn't sleep well for weeks, frantically trying to come up with something I could do to win back their trust.
I never came up with that answer. But I did come up with a way to use this.
I never mistreated my subjects, but instead I turned my system of criers into a system of agitators, clamoring for positive change. They would claim that the people were overworked by their cruel king, that the forced tithe to the local church was unfair to those who did not believe, that certain groups were treated wholly unfairly. All of these were to correct policies of the former king, or were things I wanted to put in place but would be poisoned if it came from me. And so I used this system to agitate for reform, and would "reluctantly acquiesce" to the people's demands.
Forty years I did this. I became fat due to a lack of exercise, called myself a just and wise king so my agitators could call me "just wide." After spending the last five years setting up unions, coops and other methods of self-governance, it has come time for my rule to end. It moved a little faster than I thought I would, I believed I would have a chance to abdicate and flee, but this evening they amassed outside my halls and blocked any exit. They smack the door again, and the door gives a little bit. I see an arm as someone tries to slip through, but it's not nearly wide enough. I sigh. The door isn't even barricaded, it's just well-constructed. I considered unlocking it a few hours ago, but that would have ruined their fun.
I get up and walk to the pitcher of wine sitting at the banquet table. The pitcher is nearly empty, but with the last few drops it fills to just above halfway. I lower myself onto my throne as I watch the door buckle again against the battering ram. This time the metal latch bends, and the door is stick caving in. I see two small women slip in through the door and with a piece of metal given to them, throw open the latch. I finish my wine as the now-free people of my nation storm my halls brandishing hammer, sickle, pitchfork and torch alike. | Ahhh. The perks of being a Dark Lord. Well, Lady, in Ashara's case. After a long day of politicking, it was nice to be able to just sit up here in her solar with a book and nice glass of wine.
And then she heard the panicked, running footsteps. She sighed, carefully marked her page in the book, and set it down carefully on the table.
"My Lady!" Tefren was small for his age, but fast, and that was all that mattered. "Lords Rowan and Ash are on their way to the castle right now! They say that there's a "grave matter of honour" that must be judged by you. Tonight!"
Ashara scowled. And she had JUST gotten comfortable! Drat these men and their piddling problems.
She eyes Tefren darkly. "You know what to do."
Tefren bobbed his head once in acquiescence, then sped to the drawers at the back of the study.
Ashara's scowl faded as her matronly maidservant, Agnes, poked her head into the room. "Will you be wearing the blue tonight, my Lady?"
"With the purple amethysts and cloak, yes. Send Sara with the paints and powders as soon as she is able."
Tefren, bless the boy, had already replaced all the ordinary candles in the room with treated ones that would burn with an eerie, crackling blue flame. It was a windy night, and opening the shutters let in a pleasantly ominous keening sound.
Then came time to change. For some reason, Dark Ladies were supposed to favour painfully restrictive corsets. While fun at first, Ashara was just starting to feel a little ridiculous. Agnes laughed at the look on her mistress's face as she finished lacing her in. "All the better to distract them with your feminine wiles, my Lady."
"They'd better, I'm falling out of this top," Ashara grumbled, as Sara set to her makeup. Dark eyes, dark lips.
As Agnes settled the long robe over her shoulders, Ashara glanced at herself in the polished silver behind her. Hmm. For some reason Dark Ladies never went out of style.
"Well! I guess we're ready then. Send them in." | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | I stared down at the men levelling their blades at me. I spied several of the palace guard amidst the swelling ranks in my throne room. I turned to my head guard for assistance and was met his sword leveled at me.
"Really Hector? A coup? How bold." I smiled blithely down the blade before turning back to the crowd. "And Doctor Leach too? I didn't know you had it in you. And is that old Captain Hulm? Well, blow me... Come on the, do tell... Who was the mastermind of all this?" A pause hung heavy between us. "Don't be shy... I'm *impressed*." A short runt of boy was pushed forth, the crowd closing behind him. Separated from his legion he looked weak and weedy, clutching his sickle like his life depended on it. He probably thought it did. Poor kid.
"Dark L-lord Azimuth of Duskbridge. W-w-we come, ah, before you, to... ummm."
"I'll wait." I grinned. This only flustered the poor whelp even further. He looks back at the stonefaced mob behind him. He sighed, before raising his sickle and proclaiming,
"Dark Lord Azimuth, We have come before you to defend our rights as citizens and put an end to your tyranny."
"That's a noble sentient. I'd probably have been more worried if you *weren't* shaking like a leaf. A+ for effort though." I stand to gave him a round of applause. Everyone in the room tightened their grip on their weapons. "Oh, for godsake, lower your weapons. You'll have someone's eye out."
"We will not be mock, Azimuth." A voice boomed from the crowd.
"Me? Mocking? *Wouldn't dream of it*." I raised an eyebrow, "Now... what was it you wanted?"
"Your head on a spike and your tyranny gone from this land!" The same voice bellowed.
"My good sir, I do believe you're drunk. Now, anyone sober, what do you hope to gain from deposing me?"
I walked up to the head of the crowd. I leaned in closer. Long black robe trailing behind, I paced. "Anyone?"
"War."
I spun. It was Hector. "War, Hector? Why? To what end? Because you of all people know it's never war for the sake of war." I rolled my eyes. "It's because people *want* something. So I'll ask again. What *exactly* do you people want?"
"Freedom." It was the boy, his sickle hung limply at his side as he shrugged, almost like he wasn't sure of his motivation himself.
"Ok, freedom. Good. But freedom from what, exactly? What oppression do you know in your day to day lives?" I returned to my throne.
"Freedom from your evil tyranny."
"See, you keep using that word... Tyranny. You think me a *tyrant*? I am no such thing. A tyrant is one who rules with an Iron Fist over a domain he has no claim to. I do Neither. I have not been harsh on my people. I have been a merciful, dare I say kind, ruler. And as to claim, I inherited the crown from my father, he from his, he from his and he won it in a poker game from a man who inherited it from his. The crown and land are mine, because their previous owner said so. Look it up, I have a legal claim to all this land. I own all your homes, all your businesses, all your livelihoods and I could evict you if I so chose. But I don't. I don't even demand excessive taxes. I offer social welfare and state subsidised education. Does that sound tyrannical to you? What about the justice system? A fair trial to be judged by an impartial judge and a jury of your peers. I'd like to say that sounds just and fair, right? We don't even demand military service in exchange for your rights. Dear Gods, I'm almost *too* generous."
"You are an evil and wicked man!" The boy's voice wavered.
"Am I? Sorry, must have missed a memo. But what exactly do I do, or fail to do, that gives you justification to call me that?"
"You levelled three whole streets on Riverside just last week." He cried out.
"The housing was no longer up to standard and a drake infestation made the entire area a fire hazard. The citizens have been relocated."
"To the bone orchard." One of them muttered.
"No, to a community housing area in the northern quarter." I sighed.
"You allow, no, *welcome* Alchemists and Necromancers into your court."
"*Scientists* and *Medics*." I corrected.
"They're experimenting on corpses!"
"How else are they to study anatomy? I couldn't very well condone letting inexperienced medical students loose on *living* citizens, could I?"
"What about the way you dabble with black magic?" Yelled the drunkard from the back of the crowd.
"Not magic. Science."
"Your jester made a joke at your expense a few days ago, no one's heard from him since." Another called out.
"He came down with a nasty flu. Doctor Leach can back me up here. He's recovering, which is just as well. Things have been so very dull without him."
"You introduce yourself as Dark Lord Azimuth of Duskbridge, Dreadmaster of the Midknight Guard. Come on, admit it, you are Evil."
"The Title came with the crown. There are seven Dark Lords under the High King, and not one of them is tyrannical. Each of the seven darklands has a democratic consil, a social safety net and free health care. That's why its a *Dark* Lord, by the way, because I rule a Darkland. I can't just change name of my position."
"You... you..." they struggled for a justification.
Finally, "You, uh, wear... an awful lot of skulls for a, ummm, not-evil Dark Lord? All the crown jewls are skull shaped too. Your throne is decorated with them."
"That," I said, nodding sagely, "Is becase Skulls look *Awesome*." | Ahhh. The perks of being a Dark Lord. Well, Lady, in Ashara's case. After a long day of politicking, it was nice to be able to just sit up here in her solar with a book and nice glass of wine.
And then she heard the panicked, running footsteps. She sighed, carefully marked her page in the book, and set it down carefully on the table.
"My Lady!" Tefren was small for his age, but fast, and that was all that mattered. "Lords Rowan and Ash are on their way to the castle right now! They say that there's a "grave matter of honour" that must be judged by you. Tonight!"
Ashara scowled. And she had JUST gotten comfortable! Drat these men and their piddling problems.
She eyes Tefren darkly. "You know what to do."
Tefren bobbed his head once in acquiescence, then sped to the drawers at the back of the study.
Ashara's scowl faded as her matronly maidservant, Agnes, poked her head into the room. "Will you be wearing the blue tonight, my Lady?"
"With the purple amethysts and cloak, yes. Send Sara with the paints and powders as soon as she is able."
Tefren, bless the boy, had already replaced all the ordinary candles in the room with treated ones that would burn with an eerie, crackling blue flame. It was a windy night, and opening the shutters let in a pleasantly ominous keening sound.
Then came time to change. For some reason, Dark Ladies were supposed to favour painfully restrictive corsets. While fun at first, Ashara was just starting to feel a little ridiculous. Agnes laughed at the look on her mistress's face as she finished lacing her in. "All the better to distract them with your feminine wiles, my Lady."
"They'd better, I'm falling out of this top," Ashara grumbled, as Sara set to her makeup. Dark eyes, dark lips.
As Agnes settled the long robe over her shoulders, Ashara glanced at herself in the polished silver behind her. Hmm. For some reason Dark Ladies never went out of style.
"Well! I guess we're ready then. Send them in." | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | I stared down at the men levelling their blades at me. I spied several of the palace guard amidst the swelling ranks in my throne room. I turned to my head guard for assistance and was met his sword leveled at me.
"Really Hector? A coup? How bold." I smiled blithely down the blade before turning back to the crowd. "And Doctor Leach too? I didn't know you had it in you. And is that old Captain Hulm? Well, blow me... Come on the, do tell... Who was the mastermind of all this?" A pause hung heavy between us. "Don't be shy... I'm *impressed*." A short runt of boy was pushed forth, the crowd closing behind him. Separated from his legion he looked weak and weedy, clutching his sickle like his life depended on it. He probably thought it did. Poor kid.
"Dark L-lord Azimuth of Duskbridge. W-w-we come, ah, before you, to... ummm."
"I'll wait." I grinned. This only flustered the poor whelp even further. He looks back at the stonefaced mob behind him. He sighed, before raising his sickle and proclaiming,
"Dark Lord Azimuth, We have come before you to defend our rights as citizens and put an end to your tyranny."
"That's a noble sentient. I'd probably have been more worried if you *weren't* shaking like a leaf. A+ for effort though." I stand to gave him a round of applause. Everyone in the room tightened their grip on their weapons. "Oh, for godsake, lower your weapons. You'll have someone's eye out."
"We will not be mock, Azimuth." A voice boomed from the crowd.
"Me? Mocking? *Wouldn't dream of it*." I raised an eyebrow, "Now... what was it you wanted?"
"Your head on a spike and your tyranny gone from this land!" The same voice bellowed.
"My good sir, I do believe you're drunk. Now, anyone sober, what do you hope to gain from deposing me?"
I walked up to the head of the crowd. I leaned in closer. Long black robe trailing behind, I paced. "Anyone?"
"War."
I spun. It was Hector. "War, Hector? Why? To what end? Because you of all people know it's never war for the sake of war." I rolled my eyes. "It's because people *want* something. So I'll ask again. What *exactly* do you people want?"
"Freedom." It was the boy, his sickle hung limply at his side as he shrugged, almost like he wasn't sure of his motivation himself.
"Ok, freedom. Good. But freedom from what, exactly? What oppression do you know in your day to day lives?" I returned to my throne.
"Freedom from your evil tyranny."
"See, you keep using that word... Tyranny. You think me a *tyrant*? I am no such thing. A tyrant is one who rules with an Iron Fist over a domain he has no claim to. I do Neither. I have not been harsh on my people. I have been a merciful, dare I say kind, ruler. And as to claim, I inherited the crown from my father, he from his, he from his and he won it in a poker game from a man who inherited it from his. The crown and land are mine, because their previous owner said so. Look it up, I have a legal claim to all this land. I own all your homes, all your businesses, all your livelihoods and I could evict you if I so chose. But I don't. I don't even demand excessive taxes. I offer social welfare and state subsidised education. Does that sound tyrannical to you? What about the justice system? A fair trial to be judged by an impartial judge and a jury of your peers. I'd like to say that sounds just and fair, right? We don't even demand military service in exchange for your rights. Dear Gods, I'm almost *too* generous."
"You are an evil and wicked man!" The boy's voice wavered.
"Am I? Sorry, must have missed a memo. But what exactly do I do, or fail to do, that gives you justification to call me that?"
"You levelled three whole streets on Riverside just last week." He cried out.
"The housing was no longer up to standard and a drake infestation made the entire area a fire hazard. The citizens have been relocated."
"To the bone orchard." One of them muttered.
"No, to a community housing area in the northern quarter." I sighed.
"You allow, no, *welcome* Alchemists and Necromancers into your court."
"*Scientists* and *Medics*." I corrected.
"They're experimenting on corpses!"
"How else are they to study anatomy? I couldn't very well condone letting inexperienced medical students loose on *living* citizens, could I?"
"What about the way you dabble with black magic?" Yelled the drunkard from the back of the crowd.
"Not magic. Science."
"Your jester made a joke at your expense a few days ago, no one's heard from him since." Another called out.
"He came down with a nasty flu. Doctor Leach can back me up here. He's recovering, which is just as well. Things have been so very dull without him."
"You introduce yourself as Dark Lord Azimuth of Duskbridge, Dreadmaster of the Midknight Guard. Come on, admit it, you are Evil."
"The Title came with the crown. There are seven Dark Lords under the High King, and not one of them is tyrannical. Each of the seven darklands has a democratic consil, a social safety net and free health care. That's why its a *Dark* Lord, by the way, because I rule a Darkland. I can't just change name of my position."
"You... you..." they struggled for a justification.
Finally, "You, uh, wear... an awful lot of skulls for a, ummm, not-evil Dark Lord? All the crown jewls are skull shaped too. Your throne is decorated with them."
"That," I said, nodding sagely, "Is becase Skulls look *Awesome*." | *Be loved by a few but be feared by the many.* This is the maxim that had preserved the Mitgard rule for generations. To build an inner circle of the most powerful lords by fostering their love for you while inspiring fear in the many who follow.
A heavy silence smothers the crowd as their tyrant king descends on the square. Only one meets my gaze, Lord Ryke gives me a quick wink before taking on the mask of a subdued servant. Thirteen years prior, after a swarm of locusts brought famine upon the land. Lord Ryke, took the reigns of a fostering rebellions which wasn't content with the daily rations allowed for their families. A rebellion which was swiftly put to an end after the massacre of the iron hills.
Of course, there was no actual massacre. The soldiers which made up the personal fighting force of Lord Ryke were all transferred individually to far outposts that surround the borders of the kingdom. Each thinking themselves fortunate survivors who narrowly avoided the tragic battle. The only ones who died in the iron hills were the ring leaders who sowed discord from the start.
Today is a much smaller scheme but still a necessary reminder. I look down at the poet who dared recite verses in public which defame my name. He stares back in defiance. This, can not be allowed.
"Darik of Tynos," My voice booms across the square. "You are guilty of spreading treasonous lies and insulting the honor of me, your monarch. How do you plead?"
There is no hesitation in the man. "I plead guilty. Guilty for speaking the truth. I'd rather die with freedom than live without."
Looks of horror spread throughout the crowd but a few nod with approval. A few who will be remembered by my spies watching the crowd. I do not give any reaction to the bold mans words. Instead, I simply snap my fingers ordering my guards to bring forth the boy.
The poets eyes go wide with shock as they recognize the boy. "Sire!" He shouts in desperation. "My son has nothing to do with this! He is only a boy, please show mercy!"
How fast a man's determination will fade when his loved ones are threatened I muse. I continue to stare down in silence as the poet grovels at my feet. Finally, I offer the ultimatum.
"Mercy?" I ask with a blank expression as if this was the first time I had heard the word. "I thought you wanted freedom? Very well, I will give you both!" The crowd looks on confused, they were not expecting this. "I will give you the freedom to be merciful." I pause for dramatic effect then sweep my hand in a grand gesture to the horses nearby. "Either watch your son be dragged to death or both of you drink this vial of poison." I proclaim as I set the vial on the ground before him.
"No!" The man yells in a horrified voice. "Please you can't do this! I will do anything but please spare my son!"
After letting the man grovel and beg for another minute, I decide his time is up. "So you do not wish to choose mercy?" I ask. "Very well, tie the lad up. Let's be done with this."
"Wait!" The man yells in desperation. "I will drink the poison!"
I pause, considering whether to allow this. It is necessary to remind all of the power I have over them. "I will allow it." I say as I motion for the guards to release the boy.
The man's face is streaked with tears as he approaches his son, vial in hand. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He repeats as he forces half the vial down the frightened boys throat before downing the rest of it's contents himself.
For a moment, all is still. Then the two drop to the ground and convulse in agony before finally dying. There is anger in the crowd, but fear is the stronger. Those gathered have decent enough lives. As good as any king could provide for his people. They will not risk their own families for a stranger.
Later that night I sit in my study as I hear a knock at my door. A man and a boy enter. I smile up at them, "How are you feeling my friends?"
"I got an awful crick in my neck" The man complains with an easy smile. "Damn potion made me pass out in a rather uncomfortable position."
"Did I do well, Sire?" The boy asks energetically.
"Yes, you did very well." I chuckle as I stroke the boys hair. "Morren was right, you show promise lad."
Turning more serious, I look back to my spymaster. "I wish I could give you more time to rest but I have an urgent assignment for you. Are you familiar with the plague in Liam?"
"Of course, my men speak of hundreds of refugees fleeing towards the capitol. They should arrive in 2-3 days."
I nod solemnly. "I want you to take whatever funds from my treasury as necessary to see they are provided for. However, make sure the aid comes from the church. Not from me." A church which is loved by the people but still vehemently supports my divine right to rule. After all, I do have a reputation to keep.
The spymaster and his apprentice see to my demands as I look back down on upon my city. A city which fears me as a tyrant but I love as a father.
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | I stared down at the men levelling their blades at me. I spied several of the palace guard amidst the swelling ranks in my throne room. I turned to my head guard for assistance and was met his sword leveled at me.
"Really Hector? A coup? How bold." I smiled blithely down the blade before turning back to the crowd. "And Doctor Leach too? I didn't know you had it in you. And is that old Captain Hulm? Well, blow me... Come on the, do tell... Who was the mastermind of all this?" A pause hung heavy between us. "Don't be shy... I'm *impressed*." A short runt of boy was pushed forth, the crowd closing behind him. Separated from his legion he looked weak and weedy, clutching his sickle like his life depended on it. He probably thought it did. Poor kid.
"Dark L-lord Azimuth of Duskbridge. W-w-we come, ah, before you, to... ummm."
"I'll wait." I grinned. This only flustered the poor whelp even further. He looks back at the stonefaced mob behind him. He sighed, before raising his sickle and proclaiming,
"Dark Lord Azimuth, We have come before you to defend our rights as citizens and put an end to your tyranny."
"That's a noble sentient. I'd probably have been more worried if you *weren't* shaking like a leaf. A+ for effort though." I stand to gave him a round of applause. Everyone in the room tightened their grip on their weapons. "Oh, for godsake, lower your weapons. You'll have someone's eye out."
"We will not be mock, Azimuth." A voice boomed from the crowd.
"Me? Mocking? *Wouldn't dream of it*." I raised an eyebrow, "Now... what was it you wanted?"
"Your head on a spike and your tyranny gone from this land!" The same voice bellowed.
"My good sir, I do believe you're drunk. Now, anyone sober, what do you hope to gain from deposing me?"
I walked up to the head of the crowd. I leaned in closer. Long black robe trailing behind, I paced. "Anyone?"
"War."
I spun. It was Hector. "War, Hector? Why? To what end? Because you of all people know it's never war for the sake of war." I rolled my eyes. "It's because people *want* something. So I'll ask again. What *exactly* do you people want?"
"Freedom." It was the boy, his sickle hung limply at his side as he shrugged, almost like he wasn't sure of his motivation himself.
"Ok, freedom. Good. But freedom from what, exactly? What oppression do you know in your day to day lives?" I returned to my throne.
"Freedom from your evil tyranny."
"See, you keep using that word... Tyranny. You think me a *tyrant*? I am no such thing. A tyrant is one who rules with an Iron Fist over a domain he has no claim to. I do Neither. I have not been harsh on my people. I have been a merciful, dare I say kind, ruler. And as to claim, I inherited the crown from my father, he from his, he from his and he won it in a poker game from a man who inherited it from his. The crown and land are mine, because their previous owner said so. Look it up, I have a legal claim to all this land. I own all your homes, all your businesses, all your livelihoods and I could evict you if I so chose. But I don't. I don't even demand excessive taxes. I offer social welfare and state subsidised education. Does that sound tyrannical to you? What about the justice system? A fair trial to be judged by an impartial judge and a jury of your peers. I'd like to say that sounds just and fair, right? We don't even demand military service in exchange for your rights. Dear Gods, I'm almost *too* generous."
"You are an evil and wicked man!" The boy's voice wavered.
"Am I? Sorry, must have missed a memo. But what exactly do I do, or fail to do, that gives you justification to call me that?"
"You levelled three whole streets on Riverside just last week." He cried out.
"The housing was no longer up to standard and a drake infestation made the entire area a fire hazard. The citizens have been relocated."
"To the bone orchard." One of them muttered.
"No, to a community housing area in the northern quarter." I sighed.
"You allow, no, *welcome* Alchemists and Necromancers into your court."
"*Scientists* and *Medics*." I corrected.
"They're experimenting on corpses!"
"How else are they to study anatomy? I couldn't very well condone letting inexperienced medical students loose on *living* citizens, could I?"
"What about the way you dabble with black magic?" Yelled the drunkard from the back of the crowd.
"Not magic. Science."
"Your jester made a joke at your expense a few days ago, no one's heard from him since." Another called out.
"He came down with a nasty flu. Doctor Leach can back me up here. He's recovering, which is just as well. Things have been so very dull without him."
"You introduce yourself as Dark Lord Azimuth of Duskbridge, Dreadmaster of the Midknight Guard. Come on, admit it, you are Evil."
"The Title came with the crown. There are seven Dark Lords under the High King, and not one of them is tyrannical. Each of the seven darklands has a democratic consil, a social safety net and free health care. That's why its a *Dark* Lord, by the way, because I rule a Darkland. I can't just change name of my position."
"You... you..." they struggled for a justification.
Finally, "You, uh, wear... an awful lot of skulls for a, ummm, not-evil Dark Lord? All the crown jewls are skull shaped too. Your throne is decorated with them."
"That," I said, nodding sagely, "Is becase Skulls look *Awesome*." | Green grass cropped short wiggled in the summer wind. Rosy children in a ring sang a rhyme of a ruler, "just and wise, or just wide". An optimistic din brightened every note, every breath.
As cheers erupted in the distance, their parents appeared, scooping up their children and carrying them to the source of commotion. Colorful and noisy, parade marched down cobbled streets, celebrating all bits of their life. The people cheered at their folk heroes, their entertainers, their musicians, their ancient battle dress. They cheered the most, however, at an effigy. Soon the whole crowd was screaming in delight, for as it passed the people they lit a strand leading to it, until the flames engulfed it: a fat king.
I jostled awake at the sound of wood breaking. "Well, that's new," I murmured as I finished off the goblet of wine resting on my throne. Their damned battering ram had been going for hours, and I actually was lulled to sleep slightly by the constant rhythm of it. I had been up for three days now watching the end of my kingdom, and hoped to catch a glimpse of sleep before the rioters took me. The bonfire I had my last loyal servants build, in the center of the hall, burned bright and strong. They had done a good job and so before they left, I gave them a few recipes and what coin I had left on me.
Even though I had planned this, I still felt a level of fear. While manipulating the social currents wasn't too difficult, I had no idea if the anger of the mob would get the better of them, if I would end up kneeling down with my head in a guillotine. It would all be worth it, either way. My gods have seen that I have stayed true, and promoted a better world for all. I would be rewarded in the afterlife. Not to mention, I still felt a level of pride for making this all work.
I started as a lowly priest charged with making the world a better place in the name of Bekhaim. He commands true justice and righteousness at all costs. As part of our training, we are required to travel, to see injustice manifest so that we might know what it is we truly fight against. And so, I came across these lands. The local lord was cruel to his people, but they accepted it. He was angry at the world, the gods, his land, his people, everything. But in his situation, I saw a chance. His anger was due to being grey in the tooth and yet not having an heir. He did not even have siblings or cousins to take up the mantle of his lineage. And so, I began to offer my services to him, to help him bear a child.
At first, I believed him having a child would make him a better king, but over time the plan changed. He neared the end of his days, and I learned how to navigate the intrigue of his court. I gathered support for myself, and fostered a network of both spies and criers to help me. When the king died, I made a bid for power. My reputation was a shining one, and though some local lords resisted, a few quietly-murmured curses worked wonders for sabotaging their attempts. The lords went back to their strongholds, angry at being usurped. As I began to feel out my role and powers within government, I set to making the people's lives better.
Then the Lord's Revolt happened.
I had decided to start a grain dole, to feed the sick and hungry. This dole would have come from part of the extra grain each lord was allowed to keep to sell to our neighbors, and would have been a fraction of their totals. But the lords convinced the serfs and craftsmen that I was stealing it directly from their table, and so led by their lords, soon my entire kingdom came knocking on my door. In response, I came knocking on the lords' skulls. The people viewed it as a brutal act, and it may have been, but I gave myself divine protections and strength and drove a hammer into their brains. I took direct control of things, and instituted my grain dole.
But the people hated me. They abhorred and despised me, viewed me as a tyrant. They said the grain dole was made to give me an army of undesirables to fight against them. I didn't sleep well for weeks, frantically trying to come up with something I could do to win back their trust.
I never came up with that answer. But I did come up with a way to use this.
I never mistreated my subjects, but instead I turned my system of criers into a system of agitators, clamoring for positive change. They would claim that the people were overworked by their cruel king, that the forced tithe to the local church was unfair to those who did not believe, that certain groups were treated wholly unfairly. All of these were to correct policies of the former king, or were things I wanted to put in place but would be poisoned if it came from me. And so I used this system to agitate for reform, and would "reluctantly acquiesce" to the people's demands.
Forty years I did this. I became fat due to a lack of exercise, called myself a just and wise king so my agitators could call me "just wide." After spending the last five years setting up unions, coops and other methods of self-governance, it has come time for my rule to end. It moved a little faster than I thought I would, I believed I would have a chance to abdicate and flee, but this evening they amassed outside my halls and blocked any exit. They smack the door again, and the door gives a little bit. I see an arm as someone tries to slip through, but it's not nearly wide enough. I sigh. The door isn't even barricaded, it's just well-constructed. I considered unlocking it a few hours ago, but that would have ruined their fun.
I get up and walk to the pitcher of wine sitting at the banquet table. The pitcher is nearly empty, but with the last few drops it fills to just above halfway. I lower myself onto my throne as I watch the door buckle again against the battering ram. This time the metal latch bends, and the door is stick caving in. I see two small women slip in through the door and with a piece of metal given to them, throw open the latch. I finish my wine as the now-free people of my nation storm my halls brandishing hammer, sickle, pitchfork and torch alike. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | I stared down at the men levelling their blades at me. I spied several of the palace guard amidst the swelling ranks in my throne room. I turned to my head guard for assistance and was met his sword leveled at me.
"Really Hector? A coup? How bold." I smiled blithely down the blade before turning back to the crowd. "And Doctor Leach too? I didn't know you had it in you. And is that old Captain Hulm? Well, blow me... Come on the, do tell... Who was the mastermind of all this?" A pause hung heavy between us. "Don't be shy... I'm *impressed*." A short runt of boy was pushed forth, the crowd closing behind him. Separated from his legion he looked weak and weedy, clutching his sickle like his life depended on it. He probably thought it did. Poor kid.
"Dark L-lord Azimuth of Duskbridge. W-w-we come, ah, before you, to... ummm."
"I'll wait." I grinned. This only flustered the poor whelp even further. He looks back at the stonefaced mob behind him. He sighed, before raising his sickle and proclaiming,
"Dark Lord Azimuth, We have come before you to defend our rights as citizens and put an end to your tyranny."
"That's a noble sentient. I'd probably have been more worried if you *weren't* shaking like a leaf. A+ for effort though." I stand to gave him a round of applause. Everyone in the room tightened their grip on their weapons. "Oh, for godsake, lower your weapons. You'll have someone's eye out."
"We will not be mock, Azimuth." A voice boomed from the crowd.
"Me? Mocking? *Wouldn't dream of it*." I raised an eyebrow, "Now... what was it you wanted?"
"Your head on a spike and your tyranny gone from this land!" The same voice bellowed.
"My good sir, I do believe you're drunk. Now, anyone sober, what do you hope to gain from deposing me?"
I walked up to the head of the crowd. I leaned in closer. Long black robe trailing behind, I paced. "Anyone?"
"War."
I spun. It was Hector. "War, Hector? Why? To what end? Because you of all people know it's never war for the sake of war." I rolled my eyes. "It's because people *want* something. So I'll ask again. What *exactly* do you people want?"
"Freedom." It was the boy, his sickle hung limply at his side as he shrugged, almost like he wasn't sure of his motivation himself.
"Ok, freedom. Good. But freedom from what, exactly? What oppression do you know in your day to day lives?" I returned to my throne.
"Freedom from your evil tyranny."
"See, you keep using that word... Tyranny. You think me a *tyrant*? I am no such thing. A tyrant is one who rules with an Iron Fist over a domain he has no claim to. I do Neither. I have not been harsh on my people. I have been a merciful, dare I say kind, ruler. And as to claim, I inherited the crown from my father, he from his, he from his and he won it in a poker game from a man who inherited it from his. The crown and land are mine, because their previous owner said so. Look it up, I have a legal claim to all this land. I own all your homes, all your businesses, all your livelihoods and I could evict you if I so chose. But I don't. I don't even demand excessive taxes. I offer social welfare and state subsidised education. Does that sound tyrannical to you? What about the justice system? A fair trial to be judged by an impartial judge and a jury of your peers. I'd like to say that sounds just and fair, right? We don't even demand military service in exchange for your rights. Dear Gods, I'm almost *too* generous."
"You are an evil and wicked man!" The boy's voice wavered.
"Am I? Sorry, must have missed a memo. But what exactly do I do, or fail to do, that gives you justification to call me that?"
"You levelled three whole streets on Riverside just last week." He cried out.
"The housing was no longer up to standard and a drake infestation made the entire area a fire hazard. The citizens have been relocated."
"To the bone orchard." One of them muttered.
"No, to a community housing area in the northern quarter." I sighed.
"You allow, no, *welcome* Alchemists and Necromancers into your court."
"*Scientists* and *Medics*." I corrected.
"They're experimenting on corpses!"
"How else are they to study anatomy? I couldn't very well condone letting inexperienced medical students loose on *living* citizens, could I?"
"What about the way you dabble with black magic?" Yelled the drunkard from the back of the crowd.
"Not magic. Science."
"Your jester made a joke at your expense a few days ago, no one's heard from him since." Another called out.
"He came down with a nasty flu. Doctor Leach can back me up here. He's recovering, which is just as well. Things have been so very dull without him."
"You introduce yourself as Dark Lord Azimuth of Duskbridge, Dreadmaster of the Midknight Guard. Come on, admit it, you are Evil."
"The Title came with the crown. There are seven Dark Lords under the High King, and not one of them is tyrannical. Each of the seven darklands has a democratic consil, a social safety net and free health care. That's why its a *Dark* Lord, by the way, because I rule a Darkland. I can't just change name of my position."
"You... you..." they struggled for a justification.
Finally, "You, uh, wear... an awful lot of skulls for a, ummm, not-evil Dark Lord? All the crown jewls are skull shaped too. Your throne is decorated with them."
"That," I said, nodding sagely, "Is becase Skulls look *Awesome*." | Ander stood shackled to a post in the middle of the courtroom, tuning his ears for the sentence that would decide his life.
It was hard to see, the walls made entirely of stone- ebonite, as dark as the night of a new moon- and was only lit by sparse torches burning a deep red. As such, Ander’s best bet was to just wait for the emperor to say his sentence rather than look for him to walk up to the podium.
Coughs echoed from the jury on either side of the room from the musty smoke smell that was abundant in the courtroom. Ander didn’t know which was truly worse, to be the judge and smell like this constantly or get the death sentence. Thinking about it, the latter sounded better.
“Mr. Ander,” A growl came from in front of him. He looked up to see the emperor, dressed in his formal black and red attire. The most prominent things were his eyes, the glowing red slits seething scorn and hatred. A chill ran down his spine, and it felt as if all the warmth ran away in panic from his body.
“E-Emperor, sir…”
“You have committed a very dire crime in the eyes of the empire, are you aware of what you are being accused of?”
“Uh,” his lips tremored. It was hard to keep it together, “I think, d-disobeying orders, my lord…”
“You think?”
“I- Uh… yes. Uh- Yes Emperor Sir!”
“Well I think you should know what you are being tried for, or else this will all seem nonsense to you.”
“Of course, S-sir.”
“You have been charged with disobeying the orders of your direct commanding officer. Do you have a defense prepared?”
“D-Defense? No, my Lord.”
“No Defense! Nothing! Tiberius gave you no one to help you prepare?!” The emperor screamed. Everyone winced back, the torches in the room exploding. With a gesture, all the torches came back, providing the same dim illumination as before.
“This court is adjourned. Ander, you are free to go.”
“My lord?!”
“You heard me. Free to go. I shall not have an unfair trial in my empire. You are a citizen of my country, you deserve equal rights and liberties under the law.”
Most of that sentence went over Ander’s head, but all he needed was the first part. He deeply bowed as the guard-chimeras unshackled him, “Thank you my lord!”
Ander was escorted out of the room, grinning madly. He wasn’t going to die! He wasn’t going to be executed! He could see his family! Maybe he could just lie low, live on the farm with the rest of his siblings. It was a simple life, no one would disturb him there.
“That fool Tiberius,” He heard the Emperor mutter from behind him, “If I hear about one more rigged trial it shall be him who goes to the guillotine!”
The warmth returned to Ander as he walked out of the evil building and into the fresh sunlight. The guard-chimeras handed him his things, and he was off into the world, as a free man once again.
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The door crashed opened as the frame around it disintegrated into kindling. The fur-clad boot that had kicked it open landed with a meaty thud on the stone floors inside the chamber. The wild-eyed warrior held his knicked and scarred blade in front of him as he strode into the room high atop the tallest tower.
"It wasn't locked," the slight man dressed in black said from across the room. The warrior stopped.
"What?" the warrior said.
"The door. It wasn't locked. All you had to do was turn the little handle," the slight man said, miming turning a door handle, "and gently push it open. Now I've got to get Maintenance up here and see about a new door with frame. This room'll be drafty for weeks."
The warrior stared at the slight man sitting in hid highbacked chair of deep red fabrics and dark solid wood. "That, uh, that will be no concern of yours wizard!" The warrior took another step into the room.
"Well of course it is. This is my office and you just knocked the door clean out of the wall."
"No, I, uh, I mean you'll be dead foul demon!"
"Why's that?"
"Sorry?" The warrior had stopped his advance still several paces from the man in the chair.
"Why will I be dead?"
The warrior looked at the yard of gleaming steel in his hand then back to the slight man. "Because I'm going to slay you."
"Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Let me guess, you're some hero from the moutains or the great plains or some other equally gods-forsaken place and you travel the lands seeking fame and fortune. You wandered into one of my neighbors' territories and heard about the 'evil wizard' controlling Dekara? Is that about the shape of it?"
The warrior paused. "... Yes. How come you to this knowledge? Consorting with demons, no doubt. Your very tongue convicts you!"
"You're the fifth one since the Winter Festival. What is it about Spring that makes all you farmboys with delusions of grandeur come storming in? Can't get a date?"
"Enough with your attempts to ensorcel me, tyrant! I shall -"
"Wait," the slight man said, shifting forward in the chair, "how about a deal?"
"I care not for what you might tempt me with for my heart is pure and I seek -"
"Slow down there blondie. Here's the deal. We talk. For ten minutes. I've even got a timer over on the desk. At the end of the ten minutes, if you still want to run me through with that overgrown cheese slicer, I won't fight. Won't even argue."
"What trick is this?"
"No trick. Just ten minutes. Surely you can spare that for a 'condemned man.'"
The warrior stared at the slight man then nodded.
"Excellent!" the slight man said as he stood from his chair and crossed to the balcony. "Come over here, I'll show you something."
The warrior, wary for traps and tricks, trod slowly and softly to the balcony. The wizard was standing on the balcony with his palms down on the railing. The warrior stayed nearer to the relative safety of the door.
Below the balcony, in the courtyard, were at least two dozen people staring up at the two men.
"Good morning all!" the wizard shouted. "We have another hero come to save you all from my evil tyranny!" The crowd laughed.
"So," the wizard continued, "I thought before he does me in that he would like to meet some of you. The Chamberlain summoned you here to talk with this young man. Let's see ... Ah, Tom the Miller, isn't it?"
"Yes guv!" shouted back a dusty man in the middle of the crowd.
"Well, Tom, perhaps you'd be good enough to tell the hero what happened last month after the terrible floods destroyed your mill?"
"It was like this, see? His Highness dere, gave me a very reasonable repair loan at a minimal interest rate. I got me mill up an' runnin' again in no time. He barely even asked for collateral, knowin' 'ow important me mill was."
"You there," the wizard shouted, "Anne the Baker, if I'm not mistaken?"
"Yesssir!" a young woman answered.
"Could you tell the hero how you were able to start your own business after the untimely passing of your beloved husband?"
"I couldn't very well get me bakery up and runnin' with all me kids underfoot, could I? So the Highness there, he made the whatchacallit- Child Care Tax Credit. So I 'ired out me cousin Brenda to watch the little ones and now I've just opened me fifth franchise in Kreun. They love me stickybuns in Kreun!"
The crowd mumbled an assent.
"But surely," the hero said, "you cannot stand to be so oppressed? This black-hearted magician consorts with demons!"
"Son," a white-hair stooped-back old man said, "we don't much care who he consorts with. We haven't had a war in this land since I was a lad. There's nary a kingdom in a hundred days' ride can make the same boast. When the plague came through six winters back, ours was the only kingdom that was laid low. King Reltir - him as before the wizard - had us at war and starving more years than not. Far as we're concerned, the wizard can consort with all the Lords of Hell so long as he keeps treatin' us fair and protectin' our lands!"
A cheer ran up through the crowd. The wizard turned to the hero and smiled.
"You've cast some kind of spell across this land." But the hero's voice wavered as he spoke.
"No, just basic economics. Do you know why we haven't been at war in at least a generation? It's the same reason one of my neighbors sent you here. They have no idea how to run their coutries and their people are getting tired of it. Did you know we have upwards of ten thousand people a year immigrating to our fair land? That's in spite of the rumors about me. If any one of those kingdoms started a war, their people would revolt. Not to mention the fact that I'd call in all the debts they owe us, which would bankrupt any one of them. So it's easier to find some - pardon the term - backwoods lummox to try to kill me. Keeps their hands clean and gets rid of me. Sorry my boy, but you've been duped."
The hero stumbled backwards until he flopped into a chair. His head was shaking "no" and his eyes were unfocused. "So ... So what happens now?" the hero asked.
Six months later, another hero wandered the dirt road leading to the wizard's kingdom.
"HOLD THERE!" a shout rose from the small shack at the edge of the forest to the side of the road. A young man strode out to meet the traveler. "What brings you to our fair land, traveler?"
"I come to slay the evil wizard who has for too long -"
"Hold there traveler. Before you invade, I'd like to tell you a story of another headstrong young hero. He invaded six months ago, had a conversation with the wizard, and then decided to stay on. He found work as a border guard, specializing in heroes."
| Ander stood shackled to a post in the middle of the courtroom, tuning his ears for the sentence that would decide his life.
It was hard to see, the walls made entirely of stone- ebonite, as dark as the night of a new moon- and was only lit by sparse torches burning a deep red. As such, Ander’s best bet was to just wait for the emperor to say his sentence rather than look for him to walk up to the podium.
Coughs echoed from the jury on either side of the room from the musty smoke smell that was abundant in the courtroom. Ander didn’t know which was truly worse, to be the judge and smell like this constantly or get the death sentence. Thinking about it, the latter sounded better.
“Mr. Ander,” A growl came from in front of him. He looked up to see the emperor, dressed in his formal black and red attire. The most prominent things were his eyes, the glowing red slits seething scorn and hatred. A chill ran down his spine, and it felt as if all the warmth ran away in panic from his body.
“E-Emperor, sir…”
“You have committed a very dire crime in the eyes of the empire, are you aware of what you are being accused of?”
“Uh,” his lips tremored. It was hard to keep it together, “I think, d-disobeying orders, my lord…”
“You think?”
“I- Uh… yes. Uh- Yes Emperor Sir!”
“Well I think you should know what you are being tried for, or else this will all seem nonsense to you.”
“Of course, S-sir.”
“You have been charged with disobeying the orders of your direct commanding officer. Do you have a defense prepared?”
“D-Defense? No, my Lord.”
“No Defense! Nothing! Tiberius gave you no one to help you prepare?!” The emperor screamed. Everyone winced back, the torches in the room exploding. With a gesture, all the torches came back, providing the same dim illumination as before.
“This court is adjourned. Ander, you are free to go.”
“My lord?!”
“You heard me. Free to go. I shall not have an unfair trial in my empire. You are a citizen of my country, you deserve equal rights and liberties under the law.”
Most of that sentence went over Ander’s head, but all he needed was the first part. He deeply bowed as the guard-chimeras unshackled him, “Thank you my lord!”
Ander was escorted out of the room, grinning madly. He wasn’t going to die! He wasn’t going to be executed! He could see his family! Maybe he could just lie low, live on the farm with the rest of his siblings. It was a simple life, no one would disturb him there.
“That fool Tiberius,” He heard the Emperor mutter from behind him, “If I hear about one more rigged trial it shall be him who goes to the guillotine!”
The warmth returned to Ander as he walked out of the evil building and into the fresh sunlight. The guard-chimeras handed him his things, and he was off into the world, as a free man once again.
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | I stared down at the men levelling their blades at me. I spied several of the palace guard amidst the swelling ranks in my throne room. I turned to my head guard for assistance and was met his sword leveled at me.
"Really Hector? A coup? How bold." I smiled blithely down the blade before turning back to the crowd. "And Doctor Leach too? I didn't know you had it in you. And is that old Captain Hulm? Well, blow me... Come on the, do tell... Who was the mastermind of all this?" A pause hung heavy between us. "Don't be shy... I'm *impressed*." A short runt of boy was pushed forth, the crowd closing behind him. Separated from his legion he looked weak and weedy, clutching his sickle like his life depended on it. He probably thought it did. Poor kid.
"Dark L-lord Azimuth of Duskbridge. W-w-we come, ah, before you, to... ummm."
"I'll wait." I grinned. This only flustered the poor whelp even further. He looks back at the stonefaced mob behind him. He sighed, before raising his sickle and proclaiming,
"Dark Lord Azimuth, We have come before you to defend our rights as citizens and put an end to your tyranny."
"That's a noble sentient. I'd probably have been more worried if you *weren't* shaking like a leaf. A+ for effort though." I stand to gave him a round of applause. Everyone in the room tightened their grip on their weapons. "Oh, for godsake, lower your weapons. You'll have someone's eye out."
"We will not be mock, Azimuth." A voice boomed from the crowd.
"Me? Mocking? *Wouldn't dream of it*." I raised an eyebrow, "Now... what was it you wanted?"
"Your head on a spike and your tyranny gone from this land!" The same voice bellowed.
"My good sir, I do believe you're drunk. Now, anyone sober, what do you hope to gain from deposing me?"
I walked up to the head of the crowd. I leaned in closer. Long black robe trailing behind, I paced. "Anyone?"
"War."
I spun. It was Hector. "War, Hector? Why? To what end? Because you of all people know it's never war for the sake of war." I rolled my eyes. "It's because people *want* something. So I'll ask again. What *exactly* do you people want?"
"Freedom." It was the boy, his sickle hung limply at his side as he shrugged, almost like he wasn't sure of his motivation himself.
"Ok, freedom. Good. But freedom from what, exactly? What oppression do you know in your day to day lives?" I returned to my throne.
"Freedom from your evil tyranny."
"See, you keep using that word... Tyranny. You think me a *tyrant*? I am no such thing. A tyrant is one who rules with an Iron Fist over a domain he has no claim to. I do Neither. I have not been harsh on my people. I have been a merciful, dare I say kind, ruler. And as to claim, I inherited the crown from my father, he from his, he from his and he won it in a poker game from a man who inherited it from his. The crown and land are mine, because their previous owner said so. Look it up, I have a legal claim to all this land. I own all your homes, all your businesses, all your livelihoods and I could evict you if I so chose. But I don't. I don't even demand excessive taxes. I offer social welfare and state subsidised education. Does that sound tyrannical to you? What about the justice system? A fair trial to be judged by an impartial judge and a jury of your peers. I'd like to say that sounds just and fair, right? We don't even demand military service in exchange for your rights. Dear Gods, I'm almost *too* generous."
"You are an evil and wicked man!" The boy's voice wavered.
"Am I? Sorry, must have missed a memo. But what exactly do I do, or fail to do, that gives you justification to call me that?"
"You levelled three whole streets on Riverside just last week." He cried out.
"The housing was no longer up to standard and a drake infestation made the entire area a fire hazard. The citizens have been relocated."
"To the bone orchard." One of them muttered.
"No, to a community housing area in the northern quarter." I sighed.
"You allow, no, *welcome* Alchemists and Necromancers into your court."
"*Scientists* and *Medics*." I corrected.
"They're experimenting on corpses!"
"How else are they to study anatomy? I couldn't very well condone letting inexperienced medical students loose on *living* citizens, could I?"
"What about the way you dabble with black magic?" Yelled the drunkard from the back of the crowd.
"Not magic. Science."
"Your jester made a joke at your expense a few days ago, no one's heard from him since." Another called out.
"He came down with a nasty flu. Doctor Leach can back me up here. He's recovering, which is just as well. Things have been so very dull without him."
"You introduce yourself as Dark Lord Azimuth of Duskbridge, Dreadmaster of the Midknight Guard. Come on, admit it, you are Evil."
"The Title came with the crown. There are seven Dark Lords under the High King, and not one of them is tyrannical. Each of the seven darklands has a democratic consil, a social safety net and free health care. That's why its a *Dark* Lord, by the way, because I rule a Darkland. I can't just change name of my position."
"You... you..." they struggled for a justification.
Finally, "You, uh, wear... an awful lot of skulls for a, ummm, not-evil Dark Lord? All the crown jewls are skull shaped too. Your throne is decorated with them."
"That," I said, nodding sagely, "Is becase Skulls look *Awesome*." | "There, you each get half of a child" I said with a mirthful grin, spreading my fingers as I leaned back and eyed my victims.
"So...we can adopt?" Said Merigille, the fishwife.
"Yes, you have to share a squalling pile of human filth" I said with a leer, my heart nearly burst with their misfortune.
"Oh thank the nine!" Cried Fosriel the weaver as she embraced Merigille.
"And....she may never become a ward of the state, else you will both mine the salt coasts till your deaths" I said, what a beautiful idea, the child was already foretold to suffer a miserably normal life until she joined my personal guard out of guilt or something called "gratitude."
The two embraced in their misery, having to share such an intense burden.
"Next case!" I cried as the weeping couple was escorted out of the tomb of judgement. Let the next supplicant suffer my unjust ruling. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | "Litch king! You will secede from your ill gotten empire of face your end!" The man yelled, drawing his sword and book as he entered the council chambers. "For we have conjured light magic beyond comprehension!"
Arieanna seethed in anger as she went for her sword. I lifted my hand to stop her. "Council, we'll reconvene later to discuss the issue of the drought and follow it up with a security council and corruption check. I swear if it's the damned *boat mormons* again I will metaphorically burn their cathedrals to the ground with taxes." The council gathered their bookkeeping from the great round table and filed out of the room, some pausing to survey the scene with concern until I nodded to them in reassurance.
"With none left to be harmed, I can show you the err of your ways!" He opened his book and dropped it on the table, he and his band of warriors pulling out crystals. "You will repent and beg before being sent back to the-"
"I have to interrupt you, but who are you?" I stopped him.
"I am the second prince of balerea, m-"
"Which neighbor is that? North?" I turned to Arieanna.
"It's the C class one to the southwest mi'lord." She stayed, voice shaking in fury.
"C class? Really?" I raised my eyebrows of flame.
"My *name*, is David Marcelo, son of micael, loved by my people-"
"Yeah, I got it David." I cut him off, standing up and crossing my arms. "Can you just get back to the whole *magic beyond comprehension* thing? I'm really busy trying to get the tree but industry to pull back their enterprises and irrigation use for use with some *actual* crops."
"By the light of our god," the prince shouted, holding his crystal aloft, "repent, to Gabriel!"
The crystal shattered and a being in white expanded and rose up, a massive sword pointed at me. I stood dumbfounded.
"I see you speechless as you bear witness to the holy light that stands before you in form litch king!" David laughed confidently, "you will know peace, and your people, freedom from your vile clutches! I will-"
I pressed my thumb and forefinger to each temple and chuckled just loud enough to be heard.
"Hath he gone mad?" One of the prince's warriors asked aloud.
"Enough!" David shouted, "Gabriel, smite thee!"
The angel fired a beam of pure light at me, a slight burning sensation rattled my bones. And after a few seconds, my vision was no longer obscured.
"Wooooooooow-I mean-*oh noh. what am I going to do about a level **four** angel.*" I sarcastically groaned, rolling my head.
"You see the power we possess! And surely you cannot take any more!" David spat confidently. "Resign to your demise litch king!"
"You Dare, deface mi'lord!" Arieanna hissed in rage. "I will cut you down where you st-"
"Arieanna, please." I shut her down. "They barely did a thousand before resistances. I've taken more in raids." I paused with a finger on my chin before deciding to give them a treat, lifting my smallest finger toward the level 4 magic spell. "Rescindio, black hole."
The angel collapsed inward and imploded into oblivion against the level 10 spell. It was overkill by a logarithmic margin, but the look on their faces priceless as they lowered their crystals, likely all level 3 angels judging by the hierarchy.
"What are you waiting for a tour of the empire?" I asked, sitting back down, kicking my skeletal feet up, picking at my teeth. "I'm happy to oblige. Feel free to talk it over, just don't take all day."
As they huddled together Arieanna knelt down next to me. Her steely gaze furiously piercing mine.
"Mi'lord, I can't just allow this affront to your name!" She whispered in elvish, "I beg of you, let me punish their wrongdoings and restore your name! You didn't even use your highest level spell, nor your chosen magic type!"
"That wouldn't be necessary." I noted. "The flat stab bonus was enough to send a message, and a level 25 light spell against another light spell drains mana. I'd rather make them uneasy and resentful than obedient and blind. They'll be more productive this way." David's men un-hustled as he turned around. "Made your decision yet?"
"We will..." david looked to his men then back to myself. "We will take your offer of a tour, litch king."
"Please, call me lord xxTheChosen7xx." I stood, "also, your build is inefficient, you'd be better speced with a helmet than that hood and crown." | "There, you each get half of a child" I said with a mirthful grin, spreading my fingers as I leaned back and eyed my victims.
"So...we can adopt?" Said Merigille, the fishwife.
"Yes, you have to share a squalling pile of human filth" I said with a leer, my heart nearly burst with their misfortune.
"Oh thank the nine!" Cried Fosriel the weaver as she embraced Merigille.
"And....she may never become a ward of the state, else you will both mine the salt coasts till your deaths" I said, what a beautiful idea, the child was already foretold to suffer a miserably normal life until she joined my personal guard out of guilt or something called "gratitude."
The two embraced in their misery, having to share such an intense burden.
"Next case!" I cried as the weeping couple was escorted out of the tomb of judgement. Let the next supplicant suffer my unjust ruling. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The door crashed opened as the frame around it disintegrated into kindling. The fur-clad boot that had kicked it open landed with a meaty thud on the stone floors inside the chamber. The wild-eyed warrior held his knicked and scarred blade in front of him as he strode into the room high atop the tallest tower.
"It wasn't locked," the slight man dressed in black said from across the room. The warrior stopped.
"What?" the warrior said.
"The door. It wasn't locked. All you had to do was turn the little handle," the slight man said, miming turning a door handle, "and gently push it open. Now I've got to get Maintenance up here and see about a new door with frame. This room'll be drafty for weeks."
The warrior stared at the slight man sitting in hid highbacked chair of deep red fabrics and dark solid wood. "That, uh, that will be no concern of yours wizard!" The warrior took another step into the room.
"Well of course it is. This is my office and you just knocked the door clean out of the wall."
"No, I, uh, I mean you'll be dead foul demon!"
"Why's that?"
"Sorry?" The warrior had stopped his advance still several paces from the man in the chair.
"Why will I be dead?"
The warrior looked at the yard of gleaming steel in his hand then back to the slight man. "Because I'm going to slay you."
"Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Let me guess, you're some hero from the moutains or the great plains or some other equally gods-forsaken place and you travel the lands seeking fame and fortune. You wandered into one of my neighbors' territories and heard about the 'evil wizard' controlling Dekara? Is that about the shape of it?"
The warrior paused. "... Yes. How come you to this knowledge? Consorting with demons, no doubt. Your very tongue convicts you!"
"You're the fifth one since the Winter Festival. What is it about Spring that makes all you farmboys with delusions of grandeur come storming in? Can't get a date?"
"Enough with your attempts to ensorcel me, tyrant! I shall -"
"Wait," the slight man said, shifting forward in the chair, "how about a deal?"
"I care not for what you might tempt me with for my heart is pure and I seek -"
"Slow down there blondie. Here's the deal. We talk. For ten minutes. I've even got a timer over on the desk. At the end of the ten minutes, if you still want to run me through with that overgrown cheese slicer, I won't fight. Won't even argue."
"What trick is this?"
"No trick. Just ten minutes. Surely you can spare that for a 'condemned man.'"
The warrior stared at the slight man then nodded.
"Excellent!" the slight man said as he stood from his chair and crossed to the balcony. "Come over here, I'll show you something."
The warrior, wary for traps and tricks, trod slowly and softly to the balcony. The wizard was standing on the balcony with his palms down on the railing. The warrior stayed nearer to the relative safety of the door.
Below the balcony, in the courtyard, were at least two dozen people staring up at the two men.
"Good morning all!" the wizard shouted. "We have another hero come to save you all from my evil tyranny!" The crowd laughed.
"So," the wizard continued, "I thought before he does me in that he would like to meet some of you. The Chamberlain summoned you here to talk with this young man. Let's see ... Ah, Tom the Miller, isn't it?"
"Yes guv!" shouted back a dusty man in the middle of the crowd.
"Well, Tom, perhaps you'd be good enough to tell the hero what happened last month after the terrible floods destroyed your mill?"
"It was like this, see? His Highness dere, gave me a very reasonable repair loan at a minimal interest rate. I got me mill up an' runnin' again in no time. He barely even asked for collateral, knowin' 'ow important me mill was."
"You there," the wizard shouted, "Anne the Baker, if I'm not mistaken?"
"Yesssir!" a young woman answered.
"Could you tell the hero how you were able to start your own business after the untimely passing of your beloved husband?"
"I couldn't very well get me bakery up and runnin' with all me kids underfoot, could I? So the Highness there, he made the whatchacallit- Child Care Tax Credit. So I 'ired out me cousin Brenda to watch the little ones and now I've just opened me fifth franchise in Kreun. They love me stickybuns in Kreun!"
The crowd mumbled an assent.
"But surely," the hero said, "you cannot stand to be so oppressed? This black-hearted magician consorts with demons!"
"Son," a white-hair stooped-back old man said, "we don't much care who he consorts with. We haven't had a war in this land since I was a lad. There's nary a kingdom in a hundred days' ride can make the same boast. When the plague came through six winters back, ours was the only kingdom that was laid low. King Reltir - him as before the wizard - had us at war and starving more years than not. Far as we're concerned, the wizard can consort with all the Lords of Hell so long as he keeps treatin' us fair and protectin' our lands!"
A cheer ran up through the crowd. The wizard turned to the hero and smiled.
"You've cast some kind of spell across this land." But the hero's voice wavered as he spoke.
"No, just basic economics. Do you know why we haven't been at war in at least a generation? It's the same reason one of my neighbors sent you here. They have no idea how to run their coutries and their people are getting tired of it. Did you know we have upwards of ten thousand people a year immigrating to our fair land? That's in spite of the rumors about me. If any one of those kingdoms started a war, their people would revolt. Not to mention the fact that I'd call in all the debts they owe us, which would bankrupt any one of them. So it's easier to find some - pardon the term - backwoods lummox to try to kill me. Keeps their hands clean and gets rid of me. Sorry my boy, but you've been duped."
The hero stumbled backwards until he flopped into a chair. His head was shaking "no" and his eyes were unfocused. "So ... So what happens now?" the hero asked.
Six months later, another hero wandered the dirt road leading to the wizard's kingdom.
"HOLD THERE!" a shout rose from the small shack at the edge of the forest to the side of the road. A young man strode out to meet the traveler. "What brings you to our fair land, traveler?"
"I come to slay the evil wizard who has for too long -"
"Hold there traveler. Before you invade, I'd like to tell you a story of another headstrong young hero. He invaded six months ago, had a conversation with the wizard, and then decided to stay on. He found work as a border guard, specializing in heroes."
| "There, you each get half of a child" I said with a mirthful grin, spreading my fingers as I leaned back and eyed my victims.
"So...we can adopt?" Said Merigille, the fishwife.
"Yes, you have to share a squalling pile of human filth" I said with a leer, my heart nearly burst with their misfortune.
"Oh thank the nine!" Cried Fosriel the weaver as she embraced Merigille.
"And....she may never become a ward of the state, else you will both mine the salt coasts till your deaths" I said, what a beautiful idea, the child was already foretold to suffer a miserably normal life until she joined my personal guard out of guilt or something called "gratitude."
The two embraced in their misery, having to share such an intense burden.
"Next case!" I cried as the weeping couple was escorted out of the tomb of judgement. Let the next supplicant suffer my unjust ruling. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | "Honey, are you sure about this place?" Miriam looked askance at her husband.
"Of course. Look at the city. It's bustling and they need a good swift food establishment. We'll make good money and live a good life." Vance replied patting her arm soothingly.
"I know dear. It's just. Well this place...something about it..." she murmured looking out the store front at the design of the buildings. Even Vance could not entirely disagree with her as he followed her view around.
The city of Dirathia was the reigning capital of the Scythorian Kingdom. Upon first glance it was a dark and dismal looking place. The buildings designed around severe gothic architecture with ample use of black iron and imposing granite. The guards that patrolled the streets were garbed in charcoal grey and wore helmets that bristled with an imposing spike. Even the parks grew sharp hedges with dark flowers. Areas contained statues of glaring figures or fearsome monsters.
Miriam and Vance had come here to start a new life together. Finding a nice establishment the opened a quick eatery as they called it. A place to get simple food fast for lunch. They haven't had the time to really meet the local people yet and as they got ready to open the environment wore on them.
The door opens and a few people come walking in. The first to do so was a smiling woman dressed in simple but well made clothes bearing a basket. "Hello!" She exclaimed cheerily. "Welcome to Dirathia! My name is Melody and I'm the head of the local business owners guild. Here's a little gift from all of us."
Miriam accepted the basket gratefully and smiled back at the happy woman. The couple introduced themselves and made some of their food for their first customers. Their praise for the food was a huge relief and Miriam was secretly glad that the people here seemed to be much nicer than how it looks.
"That's delicious!" Melody sighed wiping her mouth. "I'm sure y'all will do wonderfully here. I know where I'm coming for lunch when I need it. Is there anything I can help you two with for now?"
The couple shared a look and Miriam spoke hesitantly, "Well. Yes actually. It's about this place. Is it as...scary as it looks?"
Melody chuckles. As she opens her mouth to speak the door opens and two of the guard march in, their iron boots ringing on the wood floor. Behind them sweeps in a slim figure garbed in black clothes. A tall man with long black hair and grey eyes that glittered out of a pale thin face. The other patrons rose and bowed to him and the couple followed suit a moment later.
The man looked around imperiously and waved a hand allowing the patrons to rise. He walked forward and stood in front of Miriam and Vance, a cold and detached look on his face. "You are the owners of this establishment?" His voice was almost emotionless, severe like a sharpened knife.
Miriam and Vance quailed lightly but Vance spoke as calmly as he was able. "Yes sir. My wife and I own the store."
The man nods slightly. "I am Gregor, ruler of the city and the Scythorion kingdom. Your continued existence depends on my goodwill. Do you understand?"
The couple nod, fear building on their faces. "Good." Gregor continues to speak in his emotionless tone. "Make me something to eat. Your finest. Also enough for the guards. I will wait." Without waiting for an answer he calmly walks to a comer booth and sits down, the guards flanking him.
Miriam and Vance rush to make him their favorite meal, knowing their fate is on the line. Panic builds as they cook but Miriam couldn't help but notice that the other patrons don't seem as perturbed. They continue to chat amongst themselves and eat normally. Almost as if they are unaware of the man's demeanor and the atmosphere.
Finally they set the food in front of him and portions for the guards. The couple stands to the side and watch worriedly as he eats. The guards remove their helmets revealing normal and happy faces as they eat. They grunt in appreciation yet Gregor continues to eat in silence.
When they finish he stands and faces the couple. "You may stay. Continue to perform adequately or face my ire. Also do not forget to pay your protection fee." The guards don their helmets while smiling in thanks to the couple. Then they lead the way out with Gregor following.
Miriam shakes so badly she has to sit down and Vance doesn't look much better. "Are you two ok?" Asks Melody with concern.
"Are we ok?! Did you not see what just happened?" Miriam nearly shrieks from nerves.
Surprisingly Melody laughs. "Oh don't worry about all that. Gregor likes to pretend to be all dark and evil. He's quite nice and the kingdom is run very well. The other patrons nod in agreement much to the couple's confusion.
"Really? But the city looks so...."
"Oh that is does. But it's very clean and you get used to the decor. The trash is always cleaned up and you notice the guards always patrol very well. The guards are always so nice too."
"What about his ire?"
"Gregor contributes to the food reviews in the local newspaper. He's very honest."
"Protection fees?"
"Why property tax of course. Just a funny name to it is all."
The couple look so perplexed Melody chuckles some more. "I know he seems all doom and gloom but it's an act. The story is he had aspirations to be an actor before he had to rule the kingdom. Unexpected death of his older brother. He moped a bit before someone suggested he pretend to be "an evil lord". He did run away with it but honestly we live very good lives here. Besides, he can't be that evil if he does this."
She points at the table he was at and Miriam sees several gold pieces sitting in the middle. Almost ten times the price of the food for him and the guards. Cradling the money in her hands she and Vance share a growing smile. Maybe things will be ok after all. | "There, you each get half of a child" I said with a mirthful grin, spreading my fingers as I leaned back and eyed my victims.
"So...we can adopt?" Said Merigille, the fishwife.
"Yes, you have to share a squalling pile of human filth" I said with a leer, my heart nearly burst with their misfortune.
"Oh thank the nine!" Cried Fosriel the weaver as she embraced Merigille.
"And....she may never become a ward of the state, else you will both mine the salt coasts till your deaths" I said, what a beautiful idea, the child was already foretold to suffer a miserably normal life until she joined my personal guard out of guilt or something called "gratitude."
The two embraced in their misery, having to share such an intense burden.
"Next case!" I cried as the weeping couple was escorted out of the tomb of judgement. Let the next supplicant suffer my unjust ruling. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The sound of heavy hooves striking the dirt-covered road filled the woods as I approached the town. I was, of course, flanked by the undead wraiths riding beside me but alas, I considered their company annoying.
'Could we not have handled this for you, my lord?' the creature asked, although it sounded more akin to a harsh whisper underneath the heavy armor. 'Sire, those of the Holy Empire would seek your death. Please seek shelter within your castle.'
'I regularly decimate their armies without a second thought and defeat their heroes with ease,' I said atop my powerful steed. 'If they wish to come for me, let them come. Perhaps this time they'll accept my offer of parlay.'
They saw us approaching the town a good distance away and already had the gate raising for us. We slowed our stride as we entered the town, allowing people to stop and stare at us.
Of course, they'd be fearful. The two corpses stitched together within heavy plate armor would cause anyone to feel the chill of death on their spine, although that was a magical power all wraiths had.
But then there was me, a descendant of a demon with the red skin, claws, sharp teeth and horns to match, my corrupted yellow, iris-less eyes scanning far and wide. As with the case of my bodyguards, I wore black, heavy plate armor but with some... accessories, mainly spikes on the pauldrons and joints. My enemies spread rumors that I liked to impale the corpses of mortals and elves upon my armor while on the battlefield, massacring their allies as they bled over me. And to be honest, that did happen but I swear to the gods that was an *accident*.
But of course, I dismounted from my steed and stood at a full eight feet, two heads above my guards and with the humans around me only reaching the height above my belly.
'Your majesty,' the guard said in surprise as he approached me, trying with great might not to let his jitters destroy his posture in fear. Some of his men weren't nearly as composed as he was. 'We had no idea you'd be riding-'
'Of course not,' I halted him with merely a glance. 'That's the whole point of a *surprise* inspection, is it not? It's no use seeing your men in action if they had been rehearsing. Summon the mayor and assemble your men and stand attention outside the barracks immediately. Have them ready for when I return.'
'Of course, sir,' the knight said whilst standing at attention before he ran into the barracks, blowing a horn and causing men to scurry forth from around the pub and other corners of the town.
I, however, began walking into the centre of the town square and watched as the town's mayor stumbled about, trying not to get his clothes soaked within puddles or to trail too much mud on his robes. 'Lord Ebonblade,' the mayor said as he approached me. 'This is an unexpected surprise. Is there... any particular concern I have overseen?'
'If there is, you'd not be a good enough mayor then,' I said as I looked down from him, my arms crossed. 'Off the top of your head, why do you believe I would need to abandon my duties of commanding my armies and defending my people in order to come to this god-forsaken backwater of a farming community?'
'I-I have no idea, my lord,' the mayor said. 'I mean... we send the crops necessary for the troops, we honor the gods as simple townfolk, we honor your tithes... I haven't the faintest thought.'
'Oh, but there was a lie in there,' I growled at him. 'You have indeed been lying about the taxes.'
'But the treasurer always said the amounts were-'
'Never mind what the treasurer has stated!' I yelled. I then turned to the crowd, over towards the town's baker. 'You there! Come forward.'
He was confused for a moment, even fearful. His legs were undoubtedly frozen in terror which meant I had to *enchant* the poor sod's legs to have him approach. 'Y-yes m'l-lord,' he said, shaking badly.
'For every hundred coins you earn, how much are you meant to pay as tribute to me?' I asked him. 'How much do you hand over?'
'Well... m-my wife handles t-t-the money, see?' he said in confusion. 'I just bake the bread.'
I merely sighed, rubbing my fingers into my eyes. 'How much money did you make in the previous week?' I asked.
'About... 200 shillings?' he asked.
'And how much did the tax man collect?' I asked him.
'Oh, 100, sire,' he said to me.
'So, you pay half your income into your taxes,' I said to him, before grabbing the mayor by the throat and strangling him, lifting him up from the ground. 'And there lies the problem. You've been lying to these people about how much tax they owe, haven't you?'
'T-that was what I was told to-' the mayor began to say.
Until he heard the sound of chattering metal coming from his house, a storm of coins shattering his windows, ripping his heavy wooden doors to splinters and pouring from the chimneys before it floated above us.
'Then explain that,' I ordered him. He refused to answer. 'Well, that settles it.'
I released him from my grip, but not to freedom. He floated through the air towards the stockades and found himself locked inside, kicking and screaming like a child throwing a tantrum.
'Let him wallow in there for two days,' I said to the captain as I passed him. 'I'll have a sheriff come and bring him to the capital for abusing his authority for profit. And captain?'
'Yes, my lord?' he asked, much calmer than before.
'You've passed your surprise inspection,' I said with a faint smile before mounting the horse and riding out with my wraiths.
---
**Part 2 Down Below** | "There, you each get half of a child" I said with a mirthful grin, spreading my fingers as I leaned back and eyed my victims.
"So...we can adopt?" Said Merigille, the fishwife.
"Yes, you have to share a squalling pile of human filth" I said with a leer, my heart nearly burst with their misfortune.
"Oh thank the nine!" Cried Fosriel the weaver as she embraced Merigille.
"And....she may never become a ward of the state, else you will both mine the salt coasts till your deaths" I said, what a beautiful idea, the child was already foretold to suffer a miserably normal life until she joined my personal guard out of guilt or something called "gratitude."
The two embraced in their misery, having to share such an intense burden.
"Next case!" I cried as the weeping couple was escorted out of the tomb of judgement. Let the next supplicant suffer my unjust ruling. | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | I stared down at the men levelling their blades at me. I spied several of the palace guard amidst the swelling ranks in my throne room. I turned to my head guard for assistance and was met his sword leveled at me.
"Really Hector? A coup? How bold." I smiled blithely down the blade before turning back to the crowd. "And Doctor Leach too? I didn't know you had it in you. And is that old Captain Hulm? Well, blow me... Come on the, do tell... Who was the mastermind of all this?" A pause hung heavy between us. "Don't be shy... I'm *impressed*." A short runt of boy was pushed forth, the crowd closing behind him. Separated from his legion he looked weak and weedy, clutching his sickle like his life depended on it. He probably thought it did. Poor kid.
"Dark L-lord Azimuth of Duskbridge. W-w-we come, ah, before you, to... ummm."
"I'll wait." I grinned. This only flustered the poor whelp even further. He looks back at the stonefaced mob behind him. He sighed, before raising his sickle and proclaiming,
"Dark Lord Azimuth, We have come before you to defend our rights as citizens and put an end to your tyranny."
"That's a noble sentient. I'd probably have been more worried if you *weren't* shaking like a leaf. A+ for effort though." I stand to gave him a round of applause. Everyone in the room tightened their grip on their weapons. "Oh, for godsake, lower your weapons. You'll have someone's eye out."
"We will not be mock, Azimuth." A voice boomed from the crowd.
"Me? Mocking? *Wouldn't dream of it*." I raised an eyebrow, "Now... what was it you wanted?"
"Your head on a spike and your tyranny gone from this land!" The same voice bellowed.
"My good sir, I do believe you're drunk. Now, anyone sober, what do you hope to gain from deposing me?"
I walked up to the head of the crowd. I leaned in closer. Long black robe trailing behind, I paced. "Anyone?"
"War."
I spun. It was Hector. "War, Hector? Why? To what end? Because you of all people know it's never war for the sake of war." I rolled my eyes. "It's because people *want* something. So I'll ask again. What *exactly* do you people want?"
"Freedom." It was the boy, his sickle hung limply at his side as he shrugged, almost like he wasn't sure of his motivation himself.
"Ok, freedom. Good. But freedom from what, exactly? What oppression do you know in your day to day lives?" I returned to my throne.
"Freedom from your evil tyranny."
"See, you keep using that word... Tyranny. You think me a *tyrant*? I am no such thing. A tyrant is one who rules with an Iron Fist over a domain he has no claim to. I do Neither. I have not been harsh on my people. I have been a merciful, dare I say kind, ruler. And as to claim, I inherited the crown from my father, he from his, he from his and he won it in a poker game from a man who inherited it from his. The crown and land are mine, because their previous owner said so. Look it up, I have a legal claim to all this land. I own all your homes, all your businesses, all your livelihoods and I could evict you if I so chose. But I don't. I don't even demand excessive taxes. I offer social welfare and state subsidised education. Does that sound tyrannical to you? What about the justice system? A fair trial to be judged by an impartial judge and a jury of your peers. I'd like to say that sounds just and fair, right? We don't even demand military service in exchange for your rights. Dear Gods, I'm almost *too* generous."
"You are an evil and wicked man!" The boy's voice wavered.
"Am I? Sorry, must have missed a memo. But what exactly do I do, or fail to do, that gives you justification to call me that?"
"You levelled three whole streets on Riverside just last week." He cried out.
"The housing was no longer up to standard and a drake infestation made the entire area a fire hazard. The citizens have been relocated."
"To the bone orchard." One of them muttered.
"No, to a community housing area in the northern quarter." I sighed.
"You allow, no, *welcome* Alchemists and Necromancers into your court."
"*Scientists* and *Medics*." I corrected.
"They're experimenting on corpses!"
"How else are they to study anatomy? I couldn't very well condone letting inexperienced medical students loose on *living* citizens, could I?"
"What about the way you dabble with black magic?" Yelled the drunkard from the back of the crowd.
"Not magic. Science."
"Your jester made a joke at your expense a few days ago, no one's heard from him since." Another called out.
"He came down with a nasty flu. Doctor Leach can back me up here. He's recovering, which is just as well. Things have been so very dull without him."
"You introduce yourself as Dark Lord Azimuth of Duskbridge, Dreadmaster of the Midknight Guard. Come on, admit it, you are Evil."
"The Title came with the crown. There are seven Dark Lords under the High King, and not one of them is tyrannical. Each of the seven darklands has a democratic consil, a social safety net and free health care. That's why its a *Dark* Lord, by the way, because I rule a Darkland. I can't just change name of my position."
"You... you..." they struggled for a justification.
Finally, "You, uh, wear... an awful lot of skulls for a, ummm, not-evil Dark Lord? All the crown jewls are skull shaped too. Your throne is decorated with them."
"That," I said, nodding sagely, "Is becase Skulls look *Awesome*." | From my granite balcony I surveyed the depths of my domain. The sky was a bloody orange, flecked with clouds and the rising smoke of burning buildings. People, the size of ants, were torching statues and government buildings, the legacy of my rule. I turned around.
‘Why did you have to do all of this?’, the Hero said, brandishing his sword. ‘Why were you so evil in your rule’.
‘I wasn’t’, I said. ‘I really wasn’t. All this’–I made a sweeping gesture over my city–‘was necessary to my rule. My policies were harsh. I admit it. But for the continued survival of this small country, with goblins in the south and orcs in the north, it had to be done.
‘I’m sorry’, the Hero said as he thrust his blade through my chest, kicking me over the edge of my balcony. ‘You might’ve been a good person, but this is what the people want’.
A roar of approval erupted from the populace as I fell from grace, plummeting towards the cobbles, below. My last thought was of my failure to the kingdom; my failure to protect it from the myriad of foreign nations.
**Please critique this.**
**Edit:** word choice
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | "Litch king! You will secede from your ill gotten empire of face your end!" The man yelled, drawing his sword and book as he entered the council chambers. "For we have conjured light magic beyond comprehension!"
Arieanna seethed in anger as she went for her sword. I lifted my hand to stop her. "Council, we'll reconvene later to discuss the issue of the drought and follow it up with a security council and corruption check. I swear if it's the damned *boat mormons* again I will metaphorically burn their cathedrals to the ground with taxes." The council gathered their bookkeeping from the great round table and filed out of the room, some pausing to survey the scene with concern until I nodded to them in reassurance.
"With none left to be harmed, I can show you the err of your ways!" He opened his book and dropped it on the table, he and his band of warriors pulling out crystals. "You will repent and beg before being sent back to the-"
"I have to interrupt you, but who are you?" I stopped him.
"I am the second prince of balerea, m-"
"Which neighbor is that? North?" I turned to Arieanna.
"It's the C class one to the southwest mi'lord." She stayed, voice shaking in fury.
"C class? Really?" I raised my eyebrows of flame.
"My *name*, is David Marcelo, son of micael, loved by my people-"
"Yeah, I got it David." I cut him off, standing up and crossing my arms. "Can you just get back to the whole *magic beyond comprehension* thing? I'm really busy trying to get the tree but industry to pull back their enterprises and irrigation use for use with some *actual* crops."
"By the light of our god," the prince shouted, holding his crystal aloft, "repent, to Gabriel!"
The crystal shattered and a being in white expanded and rose up, a massive sword pointed at me. I stood dumbfounded.
"I see you speechless as you bear witness to the holy light that stands before you in form litch king!" David laughed confidently, "you will know peace, and your people, freedom from your vile clutches! I will-"
I pressed my thumb and forefinger to each temple and chuckled just loud enough to be heard.
"Hath he gone mad?" One of the prince's warriors asked aloud.
"Enough!" David shouted, "Gabriel, smite thee!"
The angel fired a beam of pure light at me, a slight burning sensation rattled my bones. And after a few seconds, my vision was no longer obscured.
"Wooooooooow-I mean-*oh noh. what am I going to do about a level **four** angel.*" I sarcastically groaned, rolling my head.
"You see the power we possess! And surely you cannot take any more!" David spat confidently. "Resign to your demise litch king!"
"You Dare, deface mi'lord!" Arieanna hissed in rage. "I will cut you down where you st-"
"Arieanna, please." I shut her down. "They barely did a thousand before resistances. I've taken more in raids." I paused with a finger on my chin before deciding to give them a treat, lifting my smallest finger toward the level 4 magic spell. "Rescindio, black hole."
The angel collapsed inward and imploded into oblivion against the level 10 spell. It was overkill by a logarithmic margin, but the look on their faces priceless as they lowered their crystals, likely all level 3 angels judging by the hierarchy.
"What are you waiting for a tour of the empire?" I asked, sitting back down, kicking my skeletal feet up, picking at my teeth. "I'm happy to oblige. Feel free to talk it over, just don't take all day."
As they huddled together Arieanna knelt down next to me. Her steely gaze furiously piercing mine.
"Mi'lord, I can't just allow this affront to your name!" She whispered in elvish, "I beg of you, let me punish their wrongdoings and restore your name! You didn't even use your highest level spell, nor your chosen magic type!"
"That wouldn't be necessary." I noted. "The flat stab bonus was enough to send a message, and a level 25 light spell against another light spell drains mana. I'd rather make them uneasy and resentful than obedient and blind. They'll be more productive this way." David's men un-hustled as he turned around. "Made your decision yet?"
"We will..." david looked to his men then back to myself. "We will take your offer of a tour, litch king."
"Please, call me lord xxTheChosen7xx." I stood, "also, your build is inefficient, you'd be better speced with a helmet than that hood and crown." | From my granite balcony I surveyed the depths of my domain. The sky was a bloody orange, flecked with clouds and the rising smoke of burning buildings. People, the size of ants, were torching statues and government buildings, the legacy of my rule. I turned around.
‘Why did you have to do all of this?’, the Hero said, brandishing his sword. ‘Why were you so evil in your rule’.
‘I wasn’t’, I said. ‘I really wasn’t. All this’–I made a sweeping gesture over my city–‘was necessary to my rule. My policies were harsh. I admit it. But for the continued survival of this small country, with goblins in the south and orcs in the north, it had to be done.
‘I’m sorry’, the Hero said as he thrust his blade through my chest, kicking me over the edge of my balcony. ‘You might’ve been a good person, but this is what the people want’.
A roar of approval erupted from the populace as I fell from grace, plummeting towards the cobbles, below. My last thought was of my failure to the kingdom; my failure to protect it from the myriad of foreign nations.
**Please critique this.**
**Edit:** word choice
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The door crashed opened as the frame around it disintegrated into kindling. The fur-clad boot that had kicked it open landed with a meaty thud on the stone floors inside the chamber. The wild-eyed warrior held his knicked and scarred blade in front of him as he strode into the room high atop the tallest tower.
"It wasn't locked," the slight man dressed in black said from across the room. The warrior stopped.
"What?" the warrior said.
"The door. It wasn't locked. All you had to do was turn the little handle," the slight man said, miming turning a door handle, "and gently push it open. Now I've got to get Maintenance up here and see about a new door with frame. This room'll be drafty for weeks."
The warrior stared at the slight man sitting in hid highbacked chair of deep red fabrics and dark solid wood. "That, uh, that will be no concern of yours wizard!" The warrior took another step into the room.
"Well of course it is. This is my office and you just knocked the door clean out of the wall."
"No, I, uh, I mean you'll be dead foul demon!"
"Why's that?"
"Sorry?" The warrior had stopped his advance still several paces from the man in the chair.
"Why will I be dead?"
The warrior looked at the yard of gleaming steel in his hand then back to the slight man. "Because I'm going to slay you."
"Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Let me guess, you're some hero from the moutains or the great plains or some other equally gods-forsaken place and you travel the lands seeking fame and fortune. You wandered into one of my neighbors' territories and heard about the 'evil wizard' controlling Dekara? Is that about the shape of it?"
The warrior paused. "... Yes. How come you to this knowledge? Consorting with demons, no doubt. Your very tongue convicts you!"
"You're the fifth one since the Winter Festival. What is it about Spring that makes all you farmboys with delusions of grandeur come storming in? Can't get a date?"
"Enough with your attempts to ensorcel me, tyrant! I shall -"
"Wait," the slight man said, shifting forward in the chair, "how about a deal?"
"I care not for what you might tempt me with for my heart is pure and I seek -"
"Slow down there blondie. Here's the deal. We talk. For ten minutes. I've even got a timer over on the desk. At the end of the ten minutes, if you still want to run me through with that overgrown cheese slicer, I won't fight. Won't even argue."
"What trick is this?"
"No trick. Just ten minutes. Surely you can spare that for a 'condemned man.'"
The warrior stared at the slight man then nodded.
"Excellent!" the slight man said as he stood from his chair and crossed to the balcony. "Come over here, I'll show you something."
The warrior, wary for traps and tricks, trod slowly and softly to the balcony. The wizard was standing on the balcony with his palms down on the railing. The warrior stayed nearer to the relative safety of the door.
Below the balcony, in the courtyard, were at least two dozen people staring up at the two men.
"Good morning all!" the wizard shouted. "We have another hero come to save you all from my evil tyranny!" The crowd laughed.
"So," the wizard continued, "I thought before he does me in that he would like to meet some of you. The Chamberlain summoned you here to talk with this young man. Let's see ... Ah, Tom the Miller, isn't it?"
"Yes guv!" shouted back a dusty man in the middle of the crowd.
"Well, Tom, perhaps you'd be good enough to tell the hero what happened last month after the terrible floods destroyed your mill?"
"It was like this, see? His Highness dere, gave me a very reasonable repair loan at a minimal interest rate. I got me mill up an' runnin' again in no time. He barely even asked for collateral, knowin' 'ow important me mill was."
"You there," the wizard shouted, "Anne the Baker, if I'm not mistaken?"
"Yesssir!" a young woman answered.
"Could you tell the hero how you were able to start your own business after the untimely passing of your beloved husband?"
"I couldn't very well get me bakery up and runnin' with all me kids underfoot, could I? So the Highness there, he made the whatchacallit- Child Care Tax Credit. So I 'ired out me cousin Brenda to watch the little ones and now I've just opened me fifth franchise in Kreun. They love me stickybuns in Kreun!"
The crowd mumbled an assent.
"But surely," the hero said, "you cannot stand to be so oppressed? This black-hearted magician consorts with demons!"
"Son," a white-hair stooped-back old man said, "we don't much care who he consorts with. We haven't had a war in this land since I was a lad. There's nary a kingdom in a hundred days' ride can make the same boast. When the plague came through six winters back, ours was the only kingdom that was laid low. King Reltir - him as before the wizard - had us at war and starving more years than not. Far as we're concerned, the wizard can consort with all the Lords of Hell so long as he keeps treatin' us fair and protectin' our lands!"
A cheer ran up through the crowd. The wizard turned to the hero and smiled.
"You've cast some kind of spell across this land." But the hero's voice wavered as he spoke.
"No, just basic economics. Do you know why we haven't been at war in at least a generation? It's the same reason one of my neighbors sent you here. They have no idea how to run their coutries and their people are getting tired of it. Did you know we have upwards of ten thousand people a year immigrating to our fair land? That's in spite of the rumors about me. If any one of those kingdoms started a war, their people would revolt. Not to mention the fact that I'd call in all the debts they owe us, which would bankrupt any one of them. So it's easier to find some - pardon the term - backwoods lummox to try to kill me. Keeps their hands clean and gets rid of me. Sorry my boy, but you've been duped."
The hero stumbled backwards until he flopped into a chair. His head was shaking "no" and his eyes were unfocused. "So ... So what happens now?" the hero asked.
Six months later, another hero wandered the dirt road leading to the wizard's kingdom.
"HOLD THERE!" a shout rose from the small shack at the edge of the forest to the side of the road. A young man strode out to meet the traveler. "What brings you to our fair land, traveler?"
"I come to slay the evil wizard who has for too long -"
"Hold there traveler. Before you invade, I'd like to tell you a story of another headstrong young hero. He invaded six months ago, had a conversation with the wizard, and then decided to stay on. He found work as a border guard, specializing in heroes."
| From my granite balcony I surveyed the depths of my domain. The sky was a bloody orange, flecked with clouds and the rising smoke of burning buildings. People, the size of ants, were torching statues and government buildings, the legacy of my rule. I turned around.
‘Why did you have to do all of this?’, the Hero said, brandishing his sword. ‘Why were you so evil in your rule’.
‘I wasn’t’, I said. ‘I really wasn’t. All this’–I made a sweeping gesture over my city–‘was necessary to my rule. My policies were harsh. I admit it. But for the continued survival of this small country, with goblins in the south and orcs in the north, it had to be done.
‘I’m sorry’, the Hero said as he thrust his blade through my chest, kicking me over the edge of my balcony. ‘You might’ve been a good person, but this is what the people want’.
A roar of approval erupted from the populace as I fell from grace, plummeting towards the cobbles, below. My last thought was of my failure to the kingdom; my failure to protect it from the myriad of foreign nations.
**Please critique this.**
**Edit:** word choice
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | "Honey, are you sure about this place?" Miriam looked askance at her husband.
"Of course. Look at the city. It's bustling and they need a good swift food establishment. We'll make good money and live a good life." Vance replied patting her arm soothingly.
"I know dear. It's just. Well this place...something about it..." she murmured looking out the store front at the design of the buildings. Even Vance could not entirely disagree with her as he followed her view around.
The city of Dirathia was the reigning capital of the Scythorian Kingdom. Upon first glance it was a dark and dismal looking place. The buildings designed around severe gothic architecture with ample use of black iron and imposing granite. The guards that patrolled the streets were garbed in charcoal grey and wore helmets that bristled with an imposing spike. Even the parks grew sharp hedges with dark flowers. Areas contained statues of glaring figures or fearsome monsters.
Miriam and Vance had come here to start a new life together. Finding a nice establishment the opened a quick eatery as they called it. A place to get simple food fast for lunch. They haven't had the time to really meet the local people yet and as they got ready to open the environment wore on them.
The door opens and a few people come walking in. The first to do so was a smiling woman dressed in simple but well made clothes bearing a basket. "Hello!" She exclaimed cheerily. "Welcome to Dirathia! My name is Melody and I'm the head of the local business owners guild. Here's a little gift from all of us."
Miriam accepted the basket gratefully and smiled back at the happy woman. The couple introduced themselves and made some of their food for their first customers. Their praise for the food was a huge relief and Miriam was secretly glad that the people here seemed to be much nicer than how it looks.
"That's delicious!" Melody sighed wiping her mouth. "I'm sure y'all will do wonderfully here. I know where I'm coming for lunch when I need it. Is there anything I can help you two with for now?"
The couple shared a look and Miriam spoke hesitantly, "Well. Yes actually. It's about this place. Is it as...scary as it looks?"
Melody chuckles. As she opens her mouth to speak the door opens and two of the guard march in, their iron boots ringing on the wood floor. Behind them sweeps in a slim figure garbed in black clothes. A tall man with long black hair and grey eyes that glittered out of a pale thin face. The other patrons rose and bowed to him and the couple followed suit a moment later.
The man looked around imperiously and waved a hand allowing the patrons to rise. He walked forward and stood in front of Miriam and Vance, a cold and detached look on his face. "You are the owners of this establishment?" His voice was almost emotionless, severe like a sharpened knife.
Miriam and Vance quailed lightly but Vance spoke as calmly as he was able. "Yes sir. My wife and I own the store."
The man nods slightly. "I am Gregor, ruler of the city and the Scythorion kingdom. Your continued existence depends on my goodwill. Do you understand?"
The couple nod, fear building on their faces. "Good." Gregor continues to speak in his emotionless tone. "Make me something to eat. Your finest. Also enough for the guards. I will wait." Without waiting for an answer he calmly walks to a comer booth and sits down, the guards flanking him.
Miriam and Vance rush to make him their favorite meal, knowing their fate is on the line. Panic builds as they cook but Miriam couldn't help but notice that the other patrons don't seem as perturbed. They continue to chat amongst themselves and eat normally. Almost as if they are unaware of the man's demeanor and the atmosphere.
Finally they set the food in front of him and portions for the guards. The couple stands to the side and watch worriedly as he eats. The guards remove their helmets revealing normal and happy faces as they eat. They grunt in appreciation yet Gregor continues to eat in silence.
When they finish he stands and faces the couple. "You may stay. Continue to perform adequately or face my ire. Also do not forget to pay your protection fee." The guards don their helmets while smiling in thanks to the couple. Then they lead the way out with Gregor following.
Miriam shakes so badly she has to sit down and Vance doesn't look much better. "Are you two ok?" Asks Melody with concern.
"Are we ok?! Did you not see what just happened?" Miriam nearly shrieks from nerves.
Surprisingly Melody laughs. "Oh don't worry about all that. Gregor likes to pretend to be all dark and evil. He's quite nice and the kingdom is run very well. The other patrons nod in agreement much to the couple's confusion.
"Really? But the city looks so...."
"Oh that is does. But it's very clean and you get used to the decor. The trash is always cleaned up and you notice the guards always patrol very well. The guards are always so nice too."
"What about his ire?"
"Gregor contributes to the food reviews in the local newspaper. He's very honest."
"Protection fees?"
"Why property tax of course. Just a funny name to it is all."
The couple look so perplexed Melody chuckles some more. "I know he seems all doom and gloom but it's an act. The story is he had aspirations to be an actor before he had to rule the kingdom. Unexpected death of his older brother. He moped a bit before someone suggested he pretend to be "an evil lord". He did run away with it but honestly we live very good lives here. Besides, he can't be that evil if he does this."
She points at the table he was at and Miriam sees several gold pieces sitting in the middle. Almost ten times the price of the food for him and the guards. Cradling the money in her hands she and Vance share a growing smile. Maybe things will be ok after all. | From my granite balcony I surveyed the depths of my domain. The sky was a bloody orange, flecked with clouds and the rising smoke of burning buildings. People, the size of ants, were torching statues and government buildings, the legacy of my rule. I turned around.
‘Why did you have to do all of this?’, the Hero said, brandishing his sword. ‘Why were you so evil in your rule’.
‘I wasn’t’, I said. ‘I really wasn’t. All this’–I made a sweeping gesture over my city–‘was necessary to my rule. My policies were harsh. I admit it. But for the continued survival of this small country, with goblins in the south and orcs in the north, it had to be done.
‘I’m sorry’, the Hero said as he thrust his blade through my chest, kicking me over the edge of my balcony. ‘You might’ve been a good person, but this is what the people want’.
A roar of approval erupted from the populace as I fell from grace, plummeting towards the cobbles, below. My last thought was of my failure to the kingdom; my failure to protect it from the myriad of foreign nations.
**Please critique this.**
**Edit:** word choice
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | *It's loud.*
Murmur sounds outside my castle. I groggily opened my pocket sundial. *It's only 7. What's with the commotion with these people? Shall I have Remilia reminds them of the rules?*
"開," I said with a sigh, disliking when people disturb my beauty sleep. Immediately, a small cloud appeared in front of me, allowing to see anywhere within a radius of 1 km. *Oh my, what's this? Heroes?* I zoomed in, analyzing their armor and weaponry. Must be from the Republic of Ai. I grinned at myself. *This will be fun.*
----
"Down with Lord Zero!" Arthur yelled as he chanted, holding his sword up into the air. "Do not worry fellow citizens, the Triforce is here to save you all from his deadly grasp. We will ensure your safety."
"Hey Arthur," Della leaned in and whispered. "Don't you think it's weird that the citizens are just watching? They aren't joining along. It kind of gives me the creeps."
"Must be a mind control spell," Arthur said. "Lord Zero is a world-tier magician, we must be prepared for what is to come. The very fact that he had enslaved half of Ai's population through flattery and manipulation is an injustice. And we shall bring judgment."
"Um..." Mick said as he finished his surveying spell. "There doesn't seem to be any magic...despite how a scouting spell was summoned earlier. Something tells me otherwise."
"We'll be fine!" Arthur grinned in his golden shiny armor that he had received from a diamond-level quest. "After all, we are the legendary heroes of Ai. There's no way they'll dislike us!"
---
The crimson castle door sprung open as I slowly walked out, greeting my fellow naive guests who had came without an invite. *This will be amusing.*
"Lord Zero!" the golden knight cried. "Ready to meet your demise? We will take back this land and save the citizen from your rules." A crowd had started to form around us, watching this extraordinary event unfolding.
"Save?" I laughed as I smiled at this intriguing hero. "No no. These people don't need saving. In fact, they *chose* to live here. All I did was provide a law system, residential areas, and several necessities to living."
"Liar!" Arthur pointed his sword at me, several murmurs in the crowd. "Rumors has it that you execute anyone who speaks against you."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." I shook my head disagreeingly, it was only then the heroes realize that the crowd was getting angry for threatening their Lord. "Let me ask this. Is it better to live in a system where you have a strong controlling leader or a system composed of hooligans who call themselves politicians debating nonsense back and forth?"
"What do you mean?" Arthur said as he lowered his sword. *I see doubt in your eyes.*
"The people here chose to *leave* Ai. While the so-called "leaders" are having their little silly debates when the people are suffering, I offered them shelter in which I have destroyed the vampire domain, conquered the southern Lands, slain the Elder Dragon, built new roads and created an education system for every social class." *Checkmate.* "You are welcome in this land, but if you threaten the leader they look up to. Then I cannot guarantee your safety."
I gave them a mischevious wink to conclude this silly show and with that, I yawned and stretched, chuckling and savoring the heroes priceless expression before heading off for my afternoon nap. | From my granite balcony I surveyed the depths of my domain. The sky was a bloody orange, flecked with clouds and the rising smoke of burning buildings. People, the size of ants, were torching statues and government buildings, the legacy of my rule. I turned around.
‘Why did you have to do all of this?’, the Hero said, brandishing his sword. ‘Why were you so evil in your rule’.
‘I wasn’t’, I said. ‘I really wasn’t. All this’–I made a sweeping gesture over my city–‘was necessary to my rule. My policies were harsh. I admit it. But for the continued survival of this small country, with goblins in the south and orcs in the north, it had to be done.
‘I’m sorry’, the Hero said as he thrust his blade through my chest, kicking me over the edge of my balcony. ‘You might’ve been a good person, but this is what the people want’.
A roar of approval erupted from the populace as I fell from grace, plummeting towards the cobbles, below. My last thought was of my failure to the kingdom; my failure to protect it from the myriad of foreign nations.
**Please critique this.**
**Edit:** word choice
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The sound of heavy hooves striking the dirt-covered road filled the woods as I approached the town. I was, of course, flanked by the undead wraiths riding beside me but alas, I considered their company annoying.
'Could we not have handled this for you, my lord?' the creature asked, although it sounded more akin to a harsh whisper underneath the heavy armor. 'Sire, those of the Holy Empire would seek your death. Please seek shelter within your castle.'
'I regularly decimate their armies without a second thought and defeat their heroes with ease,' I said atop my powerful steed. 'If they wish to come for me, let them come. Perhaps this time they'll accept my offer of parlay.'
They saw us approaching the town a good distance away and already had the gate raising for us. We slowed our stride as we entered the town, allowing people to stop and stare at us.
Of course, they'd be fearful. The two corpses stitched together within heavy plate armor would cause anyone to feel the chill of death on their spine, although that was a magical power all wraiths had.
But then there was me, a descendant of a demon with the red skin, claws, sharp teeth and horns to match, my corrupted yellow, iris-less eyes scanning far and wide. As with the case of my bodyguards, I wore black, heavy plate armor but with some... accessories, mainly spikes on the pauldrons and joints. My enemies spread rumors that I liked to impale the corpses of mortals and elves upon my armor while on the battlefield, massacring their allies as they bled over me. And to be honest, that did happen but I swear to the gods that was an *accident*.
But of course, I dismounted from my steed and stood at a full eight feet, two heads above my guards and with the humans around me only reaching the height above my belly.
'Your majesty,' the guard said in surprise as he approached me, trying with great might not to let his jitters destroy his posture in fear. Some of his men weren't nearly as composed as he was. 'We had no idea you'd be riding-'
'Of course not,' I halted him with merely a glance. 'That's the whole point of a *surprise* inspection, is it not? It's no use seeing your men in action if they had been rehearsing. Summon the mayor and assemble your men and stand attention outside the barracks immediately. Have them ready for when I return.'
'Of course, sir,' the knight said whilst standing at attention before he ran into the barracks, blowing a horn and causing men to scurry forth from around the pub and other corners of the town.
I, however, began walking into the centre of the town square and watched as the town's mayor stumbled about, trying not to get his clothes soaked within puddles or to trail too much mud on his robes. 'Lord Ebonblade,' the mayor said as he approached me. 'This is an unexpected surprise. Is there... any particular concern I have overseen?'
'If there is, you'd not be a good enough mayor then,' I said as I looked down from him, my arms crossed. 'Off the top of your head, why do you believe I would need to abandon my duties of commanding my armies and defending my people in order to come to this god-forsaken backwater of a farming community?'
'I-I have no idea, my lord,' the mayor said. 'I mean... we send the crops necessary for the troops, we honor the gods as simple townfolk, we honor your tithes... I haven't the faintest thought.'
'Oh, but there was a lie in there,' I growled at him. 'You have indeed been lying about the taxes.'
'But the treasurer always said the amounts were-'
'Never mind what the treasurer has stated!' I yelled. I then turned to the crowd, over towards the town's baker. 'You there! Come forward.'
He was confused for a moment, even fearful. His legs were undoubtedly frozen in terror which meant I had to *enchant* the poor sod's legs to have him approach. 'Y-yes m'l-lord,' he said, shaking badly.
'For every hundred coins you earn, how much are you meant to pay as tribute to me?' I asked him. 'How much do you hand over?'
'Well... m-my wife handles t-t-the money, see?' he said in confusion. 'I just bake the bread.'
I merely sighed, rubbing my fingers into my eyes. 'How much money did you make in the previous week?' I asked.
'About... 200 shillings?' he asked.
'And how much did the tax man collect?' I asked him.
'Oh, 100, sire,' he said to me.
'So, you pay half your income into your taxes,' I said to him, before grabbing the mayor by the throat and strangling him, lifting him up from the ground. 'And there lies the problem. You've been lying to these people about how much tax they owe, haven't you?'
'T-that was what I was told to-' the mayor began to say.
Until he heard the sound of chattering metal coming from his house, a storm of coins shattering his windows, ripping his heavy wooden doors to splinters and pouring from the chimneys before it floated above us.
'Then explain that,' I ordered him. He refused to answer. 'Well, that settles it.'
I released him from my grip, but not to freedom. He floated through the air towards the stockades and found himself locked inside, kicking and screaming like a child throwing a tantrum.
'Let him wallow in there for two days,' I said to the captain as I passed him. 'I'll have a sheriff come and bring him to the capital for abusing his authority for profit. And captain?'
'Yes, my lord?' he asked, much calmer than before.
'You've passed your surprise inspection,' I said with a faint smile before mounting the horse and riding out with my wraiths.
---
**Part 2 Down Below** | From my granite balcony I surveyed the depths of my domain. The sky was a bloody orange, flecked with clouds and the rising smoke of burning buildings. People, the size of ants, were torching statues and government buildings, the legacy of my rule. I turned around.
‘Why did you have to do all of this?’, the Hero said, brandishing his sword. ‘Why were you so evil in your rule’.
‘I wasn’t’, I said. ‘I really wasn’t. All this’–I made a sweeping gesture over my city–‘was necessary to my rule. My policies were harsh. I admit it. But for the continued survival of this small country, with goblins in the south and orcs in the north, it had to be done.
‘I’m sorry’, the Hero said as he thrust his blade through my chest, kicking me over the edge of my balcony. ‘You might’ve been a good person, but this is what the people want’.
A roar of approval erupted from the populace as I fell from grace, plummeting towards the cobbles, below. My last thought was of my failure to the kingdom; my failure to protect it from the myriad of foreign nations.
**Please critique this.**
**Edit:** word choice
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | "But it's not fair!" screamed the merchant. "I should be allowed to charge whatever I want to! It's my stuff!" The rotund man by this point was very red in the face, almost the color of a ripe apple. He breathed heavily, his bulging chest straining against the buttons of his fashionable coat. Unfortunately, fashion usually doesn't go hand in hand with function.
"I'm sorry," I replied, "but due to the lack of rain this year, I cannot allow you to gouge the prices of your vegetables." I reached up and scratched my forehead, grazing the large scar that went across my eye, or rather, what used to hold my eye. The accident was so bad they couldn't even save the orb.
Two years ago, I was out hunting with the intent of giving anything I killed to a local orphanage that had recently suffered a loss of their storehouse to a fire. My company and I had tracked down this large, wild boar that had been terrorizing the local wood nymphs for weeks. While we managed to slay the mighty beast, one of the members of my hunting party was crushed underneath his horse that had fallen when it was struck by the leg of the boar in its death throes.
I immediately jumped down to help the man, but was caught in the face by a flailing hoof from the horse. Grimacing through the pain, I managed to drag the poor man out and administered aid to him, including a new technique I had recently learned from a healer that involved pushing on the man's heart and breathing life into his lungs. Thankfully, he survived and is now living on a wonderful pension for his disability that includes food, lodging, and free healthcare.
Also, the orphanage was able to survive the winter with the meat provided.
"The only reason there is no rain is because of the black magic curse that has been placed upon our land!" retorted the merchant. "And we can only guess where a BLACK magic curse would come from, eh Your Majesty?" The man taunted me while looking at my garb. Admittedly, the all black ensemble was not necessarily the most friendly, but it was also the cheapest color for me to be garbed in. The money that I saved from not buying expensive dyes and fabrics allowed me to open multiple soup kitchens across the city proper.
"I don't know what you mean, good man," I replied. "Just because I dress a certain way does not mean I am an evil person. That is like saying all dogs or cats are evil if their fur is a certain color."
"Everyone knows cats are evil, my Lord, especially black ones!" The merchant stood up straighter, placing his thumbs into his belt. Clearly, he felt that he had gained the upper hand. "I know many others besides myself who would agree that since you took over the crown after your father and older brother died, things have gotten strange around these parts. Not only has the weather been horrendous, but we've faced disease, dragon attacks, and even a witches convention within our walls!"
I sighed and shook my head sadly. This poor man did not know what he was talking about, but he was gaining support, as several members of the audience were beginning to nod their heads, and a few were even openly wearing scowls.
"Those weren't witches, those were nurses who were meeting up to train about new techniques to help people," I said. "Because of scientific advancements, we know more about ways to help people, and these gentlemen and ladies were gathering to teach that knowledge."
"Oh? Then why are they cutting up dead bodies? Why are they practicing evil arts upon the corpses of our fallen brethren?" huffed the merchant. "I think that you don't want to admit that they were witches. I also am wondering if you are more than you seem! A man who allows such barbarous acts and obvious sorcery and necromancy within his kingdom obviously is hiding who he is!" screamed the man. Numerous cheers from the audience echoed his thoughts. The crowd was getting out of control.
I stepped down from my throne and walked towards the man, hands held up in an open manner to show my intention to be friendly. Despite this, the man saw an opportunity and took it. In just a moment's time, he managed to wrestle a spear from a guard that was just behind him and threw the weapon at me. Not again...
I sidestepped the weapon and pointed one finger at the merchant. A crackle of flame erupted from my fingertip and engulfed the man. His scream only lasted a moment before he dropped to the floor, only a pile of ashes at this point. I motioned for a servant to sweep up the remains as I walked back up and sat on my throne. I looked at the crowd, fear gripping their eyes as hard as their hand were gripping their coats and skirts. I could only say one thing at this point.
"Next!" | From my granite balcony I surveyed the depths of my domain. The sky was a bloody orange, flecked with clouds and the rising smoke of burning buildings. People, the size of ants, were torching statues and government buildings, the legacy of my rule. I turned around.
‘Why did you have to do all of this?’, the Hero said, brandishing his sword. ‘Why were you so evil in your rule’.
‘I wasn’t’, I said. ‘I really wasn’t. All this’–I made a sweeping gesture over my city–‘was necessary to my rule. My policies were harsh. I admit it. But for the continued survival of this small country, with goblins in the south and orcs in the north, it had to be done.
‘I’m sorry’, the Hero said as he thrust his blade through my chest, kicking me over the edge of my balcony. ‘You might’ve been a good person, but this is what the people want’.
A roar of approval erupted from the populace as I fell from grace, plummeting towards the cobbles, below. My last thought was of my failure to the kingdom; my failure to protect it from the myriad of foreign nations.
**Please critique this.**
**Edit:** word choice
| |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The door crashed opened as the frame around it disintegrated into kindling. The fur-clad boot that had kicked it open landed with a meaty thud on the stone floors inside the chamber. The wild-eyed warrior held his knicked and scarred blade in front of him as he strode into the room high atop the tallest tower.
"It wasn't locked," the slight man dressed in black said from across the room. The warrior stopped.
"What?" the warrior said.
"The door. It wasn't locked. All you had to do was turn the little handle," the slight man said, miming turning a door handle, "and gently push it open. Now I've got to get Maintenance up here and see about a new door with frame. This room'll be drafty for weeks."
The warrior stared at the slight man sitting in hid highbacked chair of deep red fabrics and dark solid wood. "That, uh, that will be no concern of yours wizard!" The warrior took another step into the room.
"Well of course it is. This is my office and you just knocked the door clean out of the wall."
"No, I, uh, I mean you'll be dead foul demon!"
"Why's that?"
"Sorry?" The warrior had stopped his advance still several paces from the man in the chair.
"Why will I be dead?"
The warrior looked at the yard of gleaming steel in his hand then back to the slight man. "Because I'm going to slay you."
"Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Let me guess, you're some hero from the moutains or the great plains or some other equally gods-forsaken place and you travel the lands seeking fame and fortune. You wandered into one of my neighbors' territories and heard about the 'evil wizard' controlling Dekara? Is that about the shape of it?"
The warrior paused. "... Yes. How come you to this knowledge? Consorting with demons, no doubt. Your very tongue convicts you!"
"You're the fifth one since the Winter Festival. What is it about Spring that makes all you farmboys with delusions of grandeur come storming in? Can't get a date?"
"Enough with your attempts to ensorcel me, tyrant! I shall -"
"Wait," the slight man said, shifting forward in the chair, "how about a deal?"
"I care not for what you might tempt me with for my heart is pure and I seek -"
"Slow down there blondie. Here's the deal. We talk. For ten minutes. I've even got a timer over on the desk. At the end of the ten minutes, if you still want to run me through with that overgrown cheese slicer, I won't fight. Won't even argue."
"What trick is this?"
"No trick. Just ten minutes. Surely you can spare that for a 'condemned man.'"
The warrior stared at the slight man then nodded.
"Excellent!" the slight man said as he stood from his chair and crossed to the balcony. "Come over here, I'll show you something."
The warrior, wary for traps and tricks, trod slowly and softly to the balcony. The wizard was standing on the balcony with his palms down on the railing. The warrior stayed nearer to the relative safety of the door.
Below the balcony, in the courtyard, were at least two dozen people staring up at the two men.
"Good morning all!" the wizard shouted. "We have another hero come to save you all from my evil tyranny!" The crowd laughed.
"So," the wizard continued, "I thought before he does me in that he would like to meet some of you. The Chamberlain summoned you here to talk with this young man. Let's see ... Ah, Tom the Miller, isn't it?"
"Yes guv!" shouted back a dusty man in the middle of the crowd.
"Well, Tom, perhaps you'd be good enough to tell the hero what happened last month after the terrible floods destroyed your mill?"
"It was like this, see? His Highness dere, gave me a very reasonable repair loan at a minimal interest rate. I got me mill up an' runnin' again in no time. He barely even asked for collateral, knowin' 'ow important me mill was."
"You there," the wizard shouted, "Anne the Baker, if I'm not mistaken?"
"Yesssir!" a young woman answered.
"Could you tell the hero how you were able to start your own business after the untimely passing of your beloved husband?"
"I couldn't very well get me bakery up and runnin' with all me kids underfoot, could I? So the Highness there, he made the whatchacallit- Child Care Tax Credit. So I 'ired out me cousin Brenda to watch the little ones and now I've just opened me fifth franchise in Kreun. They love me stickybuns in Kreun!"
The crowd mumbled an assent.
"But surely," the hero said, "you cannot stand to be so oppressed? This black-hearted magician consorts with demons!"
"Son," a white-hair stooped-back old man said, "we don't much care who he consorts with. We haven't had a war in this land since I was a lad. There's nary a kingdom in a hundred days' ride can make the same boast. When the plague came through six winters back, ours was the only kingdom that was laid low. King Reltir - him as before the wizard - had us at war and starving more years than not. Far as we're concerned, the wizard can consort with all the Lords of Hell so long as he keeps treatin' us fair and protectin' our lands!"
A cheer ran up through the crowd. The wizard turned to the hero and smiled.
"You've cast some kind of spell across this land." But the hero's voice wavered as he spoke.
"No, just basic economics. Do you know why we haven't been at war in at least a generation? It's the same reason one of my neighbors sent you here. They have no idea how to run their coutries and their people are getting tired of it. Did you know we have upwards of ten thousand people a year immigrating to our fair land? That's in spite of the rumors about me. If any one of those kingdoms started a war, their people would revolt. Not to mention the fact that I'd call in all the debts they owe us, which would bankrupt any one of them. So it's easier to find some - pardon the term - backwoods lummox to try to kill me. Keeps their hands clean and gets rid of me. Sorry my boy, but you've been duped."
The hero stumbled backwards until he flopped into a chair. His head was shaking "no" and his eyes were unfocused. "So ... So what happens now?" the hero asked.
Six months later, another hero wandered the dirt road leading to the wizard's kingdom.
"HOLD THERE!" a shout rose from the small shack at the edge of the forest to the side of the road. A young man strode out to meet the traveler. "What brings you to our fair land, traveler?"
"I come to slay the evil wizard who has for too long -"
"Hold there traveler. Before you invade, I'd like to tell you a story of another headstrong young hero. He invaded six months ago, had a conversation with the wizard, and then decided to stay on. He found work as a border guard, specializing in heroes."
| "Litch king! You will secede from your ill gotten empire of face your end!" The man yelled, drawing his sword and book as he entered the council chambers. "For we have conjured light magic beyond comprehension!"
Arieanna seethed in anger as she went for her sword. I lifted my hand to stop her. "Council, we'll reconvene later to discuss the issue of the drought and follow it up with a security council and corruption check. I swear if it's the damned *boat mormons* again I will metaphorically burn their cathedrals to the ground with taxes." The council gathered their bookkeeping from the great round table and filed out of the room, some pausing to survey the scene with concern until I nodded to them in reassurance.
"With none left to be harmed, I can show you the err of your ways!" He opened his book and dropped it on the table, he and his band of warriors pulling out crystals. "You will repent and beg before being sent back to the-"
"I have to interrupt you, but who are you?" I stopped him.
"I am the second prince of balerea, m-"
"Which neighbor is that? North?" I turned to Arieanna.
"It's the C class one to the southwest mi'lord." She stayed, voice shaking in fury.
"C class? Really?" I raised my eyebrows of flame.
"My *name*, is David Marcelo, son of micael, loved by my people-"
"Yeah, I got it David." I cut him off, standing up and crossing my arms. "Can you just get back to the whole *magic beyond comprehension* thing? I'm really busy trying to get the tree but industry to pull back their enterprises and irrigation use for use with some *actual* crops."
"By the light of our god," the prince shouted, holding his crystal aloft, "repent, to Gabriel!"
The crystal shattered and a being in white expanded and rose up, a massive sword pointed at me. I stood dumbfounded.
"I see you speechless as you bear witness to the holy light that stands before you in form litch king!" David laughed confidently, "you will know peace, and your people, freedom from your vile clutches! I will-"
I pressed my thumb and forefinger to each temple and chuckled just loud enough to be heard.
"Hath he gone mad?" One of the prince's warriors asked aloud.
"Enough!" David shouted, "Gabriel, smite thee!"
The angel fired a beam of pure light at me, a slight burning sensation rattled my bones. And after a few seconds, my vision was no longer obscured.
"Wooooooooow-I mean-*oh noh. what am I going to do about a level **four** angel.*" I sarcastically groaned, rolling my head.
"You see the power we possess! And surely you cannot take any more!" David spat confidently. "Resign to your demise litch king!"
"You Dare, deface mi'lord!" Arieanna hissed in rage. "I will cut you down where you st-"
"Arieanna, please." I shut her down. "They barely did a thousand before resistances. I've taken more in raids." I paused with a finger on my chin before deciding to give them a treat, lifting my smallest finger toward the level 4 magic spell. "Rescindio, black hole."
The angel collapsed inward and imploded into oblivion against the level 10 spell. It was overkill by a logarithmic margin, but the look on their faces priceless as they lowered their crystals, likely all level 3 angels judging by the hierarchy.
"What are you waiting for a tour of the empire?" I asked, sitting back down, kicking my skeletal feet up, picking at my teeth. "I'm happy to oblige. Feel free to talk it over, just don't take all day."
As they huddled together Arieanna knelt down next to me. Her steely gaze furiously piercing mine.
"Mi'lord, I can't just allow this affront to your name!" She whispered in elvish, "I beg of you, let me punish their wrongdoings and restore your name! You didn't even use your highest level spell, nor your chosen magic type!"
"That wouldn't be necessary." I noted. "The flat stab bonus was enough to send a message, and a level 25 light spell against another light spell drains mana. I'd rather make them uneasy and resentful than obedient and blind. They'll be more productive this way." David's men un-hustled as he turned around. "Made your decision yet?"
"We will..." david looked to his men then back to myself. "We will take your offer of a tour, litch king."
"Please, call me lord xxTheChosen7xx." I stood, "also, your build is inefficient, you'd be better speced with a helmet than that hood and crown." | |
[WP] You are the dark lord in a fantasy world however you rule a fair and just kingdom you just like to look evil while doing it. | The sound of heavy hooves striking the dirt-covered road filled the woods as I approached the town. I was, of course, flanked by the undead wraiths riding beside me but alas, I considered their company annoying.
'Could we not have handled this for you, my lord?' the creature asked, although it sounded more akin to a harsh whisper underneath the heavy armor. 'Sire, those of the Holy Empire would seek your death. Please seek shelter within your castle.'
'I regularly decimate their armies without a second thought and defeat their heroes with ease,' I said atop my powerful steed. 'If they wish to come for me, let them come. Perhaps this time they'll accept my offer of parlay.'
They saw us approaching the town a good distance away and already had the gate raising for us. We slowed our stride as we entered the town, allowing people to stop and stare at us.
Of course, they'd be fearful. The two corpses stitched together within heavy plate armor would cause anyone to feel the chill of death on their spine, although that was a magical power all wraiths had.
But then there was me, a descendant of a demon with the red skin, claws, sharp teeth and horns to match, my corrupted yellow, iris-less eyes scanning far and wide. As with the case of my bodyguards, I wore black, heavy plate armor but with some... accessories, mainly spikes on the pauldrons and joints. My enemies spread rumors that I liked to impale the corpses of mortals and elves upon my armor while on the battlefield, massacring their allies as they bled over me. And to be honest, that did happen but I swear to the gods that was an *accident*.
But of course, I dismounted from my steed and stood at a full eight feet, two heads above my guards and with the humans around me only reaching the height above my belly.
'Your majesty,' the guard said in surprise as he approached me, trying with great might not to let his jitters destroy his posture in fear. Some of his men weren't nearly as composed as he was. 'We had no idea you'd be riding-'
'Of course not,' I halted him with merely a glance. 'That's the whole point of a *surprise* inspection, is it not? It's no use seeing your men in action if they had been rehearsing. Summon the mayor and assemble your men and stand attention outside the barracks immediately. Have them ready for when I return.'
'Of course, sir,' the knight said whilst standing at attention before he ran into the barracks, blowing a horn and causing men to scurry forth from around the pub and other corners of the town.
I, however, began walking into the centre of the town square and watched as the town's mayor stumbled about, trying not to get his clothes soaked within puddles or to trail too much mud on his robes. 'Lord Ebonblade,' the mayor said as he approached me. 'This is an unexpected surprise. Is there... any particular concern I have overseen?'
'If there is, you'd not be a good enough mayor then,' I said as I looked down from him, my arms crossed. 'Off the top of your head, why do you believe I would need to abandon my duties of commanding my armies and defending my people in order to come to this god-forsaken backwater of a farming community?'
'I-I have no idea, my lord,' the mayor said. 'I mean... we send the crops necessary for the troops, we honor the gods as simple townfolk, we honor your tithes... I haven't the faintest thought.'
'Oh, but there was a lie in there,' I growled at him. 'You have indeed been lying about the taxes.'
'But the treasurer always said the amounts were-'
'Never mind what the treasurer has stated!' I yelled. I then turned to the crowd, over towards the town's baker. 'You there! Come forward.'
He was confused for a moment, even fearful. His legs were undoubtedly frozen in terror which meant I had to *enchant* the poor sod's legs to have him approach. 'Y-yes m'l-lord,' he said, shaking badly.
'For every hundred coins you earn, how much are you meant to pay as tribute to me?' I asked him. 'How much do you hand over?'
'Well... m-my wife handles t-t-the money, see?' he said in confusion. 'I just bake the bread.'
I merely sighed, rubbing my fingers into my eyes. 'How much money did you make in the previous week?' I asked.
'About... 200 shillings?' he asked.
'And how much did the tax man collect?' I asked him.
'Oh, 100, sire,' he said to me.
'So, you pay half your income into your taxes,' I said to him, before grabbing the mayor by the throat and strangling him, lifting him up from the ground. 'And there lies the problem. You've been lying to these people about how much tax they owe, haven't you?'
'T-that was what I was told to-' the mayor began to say.
Until he heard the sound of chattering metal coming from his house, a storm of coins shattering his windows, ripping his heavy wooden doors to splinters and pouring from the chimneys before it floated above us.
'Then explain that,' I ordered him. He refused to answer. 'Well, that settles it.'
I released him from my grip, but not to freedom. He floated through the air towards the stockades and found himself locked inside, kicking and screaming like a child throwing a tantrum.
'Let him wallow in there for two days,' I said to the captain as I passed him. 'I'll have a sheriff come and bring him to the capital for abusing his authority for profit. And captain?'
'Yes, my lord?' he asked, much calmer than before.
'You've passed your surprise inspection,' I said with a faint smile before mounting the horse and riding out with my wraiths.
---
**Part 2 Down Below** | *It's loud.*
Murmur sounds outside my castle. I groggily opened my pocket sundial. *It's only 7. What's with the commotion with these people? Shall I have Remilia reminds them of the rules?*
"開," I said with a sigh, disliking when people disturb my beauty sleep. Immediately, a small cloud appeared in front of me, allowing to see anywhere within a radius of 1 km. *Oh my, what's this? Heroes?* I zoomed in, analyzing their armor and weaponry. Must be from the Republic of Ai. I grinned at myself. *This will be fun.*
----
"Down with Lord Zero!" Arthur yelled as he chanted, holding his sword up into the air. "Do not worry fellow citizens, the Triforce is here to save you all from his deadly grasp. We will ensure your safety."
"Hey Arthur," Della leaned in and whispered. "Don't you think it's weird that the citizens are just watching? They aren't joining along. It kind of gives me the creeps."
"Must be a mind control spell," Arthur said. "Lord Zero is a world-tier magician, we must be prepared for what is to come. The very fact that he had enslaved half of Ai's population through flattery and manipulation is an injustice. And we shall bring judgment."
"Um..." Mick said as he finished his surveying spell. "There doesn't seem to be any magic...despite how a scouting spell was summoned earlier. Something tells me otherwise."
"We'll be fine!" Arthur grinned in his golden shiny armor that he had received from a diamond-level quest. "After all, we are the legendary heroes of Ai. There's no way they'll dislike us!"
---
The crimson castle door sprung open as I slowly walked out, greeting my fellow naive guests who had came without an invite. *This will be amusing.*
"Lord Zero!" the golden knight cried. "Ready to meet your demise? We will take back this land and save the citizen from your rules." A crowd had started to form around us, watching this extraordinary event unfolding.
"Save?" I laughed as I smiled at this intriguing hero. "No no. These people don't need saving. In fact, they *chose* to live here. All I did was provide a law system, residential areas, and several necessities to living."
"Liar!" Arthur pointed his sword at me, several murmurs in the crowd. "Rumors has it that you execute anyone who speaks against you."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." I shook my head disagreeingly, it was only then the heroes realize that the crowd was getting angry for threatening their Lord. "Let me ask this. Is it better to live in a system where you have a strong controlling leader or a system composed of hooligans who call themselves politicians debating nonsense back and forth?"
"What do you mean?" Arthur said as he lowered his sword. *I see doubt in your eyes.*
"The people here chose to *leave* Ai. While the so-called "leaders" are having their little silly debates when the people are suffering, I offered them shelter in which I have destroyed the vampire domain, conquered the southern Lands, slain the Elder Dragon, built new roads and created an education system for every social class." *Checkmate.* "You are welcome in this land, but if you threaten the leader they look up to. Then I cannot guarantee your safety."
I gave them a mischevious wink to conclude this silly show and with that, I yawned and stretched, chuckling and savoring the heroes priceless expression before heading off for my afternoon nap. | |
[WP] When you die, all your magic is released. When a great mage dies, great care is taken to manage this. Unfortunately, sometimes people die unexpectedly. | It's quite like compressing air into a balloon, they always explain to children.
Mages are full of magic, but that magic must return to the universe once the mage has expired.
For some, that means that their death results in a peaceful one, with their magic dribbling into the earth around them, causing barren stone to flourish with plantlife.
For others, castles can be levelled.
Smart mages will attempt to channel their power elsewhere if they know their death is imminent. Some will curse their enemies, give a boon to their friends, and some will simply cast it all into the sky, as to not harm those around them.
But not me.
I am approaching four hundred years of age, and with each passing year, I draw in more magical power. Each cell in my body is like a miniature reactor.
I am not immortal, but I feel like a god. Lowercase g. I'm not going to flatter myself.
I believe that the rules of magic are too strict. The council of wizards has become bloated with bureaucracy and regulation.
They are like a colossal tree, old and gnarled and rotting slowly from within.
I've called an emergency meeting, for they are my council, and they heed me.
All five hundred of the greatest wizards in the world gathered in one place. Surely, the ill would stay home for fear of the outcome of *that*.
I've run the calculations. If I die, surrounded by my kind, and my magic is meticulously directed to set off an exponential detonation that feeds off of their energies, surely it will be worse than the atomic warfare of legend.
Surely, it will wipe out thousands of square kilometres.
Surely, it will allow us to begin again.
I am very tired.
| There is a moment in your life when you come to realise your calling in this world. I was fortunate that mine came early.
Grandpa was the head of a great many wizards. He would enter the room and conversations would be hushed. We all had a desire to hear what he had to say.
He never did like me, and he said it clearly using many words in many occasions. My parents, devout followers of his teachings, gave me no care beyond food, water and shelter.
I taught myself to read so that I could read the spellbooks. That was my only ticket out of this state where my existence was emptier than my stomach.
Grandpa was the greatest seer in the world. The future came to him with increasing vividness and weight as his body weakened. Some thought that strumming the threads of time was killing him slowly.
But he lived to be too old, and when he was on his deathbed, the league of a great many wizards entered the manor in sporadic droves over a matter of days. While Mum and Dad busied themselves playing hosts, I picked up conversations in the hallways. Some of them were hushed, like I had the same power as Grandpa. This pleased me, until the gaze of their eyes showed me a mix of pity and shame.
I wandered the hallways of my own house, now belonging to the spirit of Grandpa's followers more than it did the family. And when I felt the house quieten, I knew the moment had come and they'd all gathered at Grandpa's chambers.
I was the only family member who was kept outside, alongside servants and pets. So I nudged the door open gently, taking great care not to have it creak. And I peeked.
"The future has not yet changed," the old seer said. "The boy will throw the wizarding world into chaos. Marc, Reia, you'll have to kill him after I'm gone. There is no clearer prophecy, no need for fancy riddles for this one. Do you hear me?"
For a moment the gathering was silent and then a row of wizards began to chant in coordination, with increasing insistence. Grandpa had begun to glow.
The hands of the rows of chanting wizards were outstretched, reaching out towards Grandpa, pressing against him without touching him, keeping the glow and its menace at bay.
As both the glow and the opposing chant rose to a crescendo, most would have looked away. Conversely, I was enthralled. Grandpa's skin began to crack, revealing a brilliant orange undertone like land revealing lava.
A burst of hot air slapped against my face, knocking me down onto my buttocks.
Driven by curiosity, I climbed back up immediately. The gathering was a bustle of conversations now. Healers got to work. I saw now that the chanting wizards were masked. Now, some of them were unconscious or bleeding down their cheeks.
It was the release of Grandpa's magic. I had read it somewhere. To cause such damage against a prepared crew of twenty strong, it must have been a combination of his strength and the potency of life's final moment.
And what if it was murder? Would a murdered mage go out in a burst like this?
And if another mage were to die from such an outburst?
I gulped. It was plain and simple. Any gathering of powerful wizards was an explosion in the making.
I looked down at my open palms. They trembled.
---
I wear my fantasy shorts on [Fivens](https://fivenswrite.wordpress.com) | |
[WP] Your Reddit app is actually linked to an alternate universe, so you've been interacting with that reality, not ours. You've never realized it because that universe is so similar to ours. After two years on the app, though, you start to realize that something is... off. | For a while I thought it was all just an elaborate troll, I mean honestly, how could anyone really believe that nonsense? Not a single one of my friends believed it, but had all experienced for themselves the whirlwind of propaganda on Reddit. But not a single one of us could find a true believer outside the Reddit community. How was that possible that we couldn't find one person in real life who believes it?
Well, one night, when copious amounts of weed had been smoked a friend of mine theorized, "what if, like, Reddit is like a wormhole to another dimension and most of who we interact with on the site are from another world?" We all had a good laugh and continued down the rabbit hole, "how could that be possible, I mean, everyone on Reddit can't stand our president and all recognize who he is, so it would seem that almost everything is identical to our world."
"Flat-Earth theory. Maybe over there the Earth ACTUALLY is flat."
Things went silent for a minute.
"Well... I mean... the thing is....huh..." | I stared blankly at the screen, taking in what I had just read. Hundreds of comments. Hundreds.
This all started a few months ago. I had kept hearing of a website named reddit. I didn't join because I heard that it was pretty lame, but my friends kept bugging me. I finally caved and downloaded the app. I registered as the user u/fancdew15 , just a silly name I made up as a child.`
It was a little weird. They hadn't heard of Nirvana. I mean, they are a younger generation, so that wasn't too weird.
They hadn't heard of Samsung. That was a little weird, but they were probably trolling.
But now... No. This is too much to just be a coincidence. They had never heard of... Sonic.
Yes. Sonic the Hedgehog. Everyone knows Sonic. EVERYONE!
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Best Sonic the Hedgehog Game? (by u/Fancdew15)
Hey, simple question. In your opinion, what's the best Sonic game? I think the first, original Sonic the Hedgehog is the best.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Thousands of responses saying, 'Sonic? Who dat?'
I linked to Amazon, Youtube, heck, I even linked to Sega's website. Someone recognized the character on Sega's website as Shrek the Ogre. SHREK.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Fancdew15: Are you people not in the USA?
ARENDEMUSAR: USA? You mean Charles' Republic of Obedient Slaves? I didn't think they had internet there. How did you get on the internet?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Now, I have a theory. I think they are in an alternate universe. I know, crazy. But it's the only explanation. There can't be THAT many trolls on reddit, right?
EDIT: Random sentences were bold due to formatting. | |
[WP] Your Reddit app is actually linked to an alternate universe, so you've been interacting with that reality, not ours. You've never realized it because that universe is so similar to ours. After two years on the app, though, you start to realize that something is... off. | I'm quite unsure of how this all is happening. Somehow, someway, my Reddit app on my phone is showing me posts from what seems to be an alternate universe. I've been using the Reddit app for over 2 years now. And up until a couple days ago, I never noticed anything amiss. But then I noticed something odd.
I was reading an Askreddit thread a couple days ago at work about high school scandals. There were the usual stories. Drugs, teachers sleeping with students, etc. I then saw a post that said something about how a 16 year old student had been exchanging sex with her teacher for better grades. At the end of the post it said something like "This was in Canada, the age of consent is 16 here so no one really did anything about it".
This is where things get freaky. Just to be clear, I'm Canadian. And (in my universe at least) the age of consent in Canada has always been 15. Ever since Canada was founded in 1867, the age of consent has always been 15. I was quick to point out the error in the post. I then got a response that said something like "Um, no, it's always been 16 in Canada. I don't think it's 15 anywhere". Thinking I might be wrong, I googled "age of consent in Canada" to check my facts. Sure enough, the age of consent in Canada has always been 15. I responded to the post saying "No, it's 15. It's always been 15 in Canada. Here's a link", linking the Wikipedia article about age of consent in Canada. I then got a response saying that the link didn't work and that they thought I was trolling. I looked at my other comments in the chain and noticed that they all had several downvotes and comments about how the age of consent in Canada was, in fact, 16. At this point, I just figured that this guy was trying to troll me with alt accounts. I decided not to feed the trolls and deleted the comments.
After I got home from work, I went on my laptop at home and checked Reddit. I noticed that the thread with the school scandals had blown up a bit and I decided to read some more stories on the thread. I noticed that the post which I assumed was a troll was nowhere to be found. I figured it had been deleted. After reading a couple stories, a warning popped up on my screen that I only had 10 minutes of battery left. Apparently, the power cord to the laptop had somehow come unplugged and the battery had been draining all day. I plugged in the charger for the laptop and let it charge. At that point, I felt like I had had read enough Reddit and went downstairs to watch TV.
After watching TV for about 15 minutes, I got bored and picked up my phone to go on Reddit again. I decided to read some more stories on the school scandals thread. When I clicked on the thread, I noticed in shock that the post which I had assumed was a troll and had been deleted was, in fact, the top post. I could've sworn the post wasn't there when I saw the thread earlier. I went upstairs, went on Reddit on my laptop and clicked on the thread. I scrolled all the way down the thread. Sure enough, the troll post was nowhere to be seen, despite the fact that it was clear as day on the Reddit app. I refreshed both the app and the computer page thinking it might be some kind of glitch. Sure enough, nothing changed. I checked the Reddit mobile site on my phone. The post wasn't there either. It only appeared on the app. I again searched for the age of consent in Canada, both on my phone and my laptop. Both times, it showed as 15.
I decided to do a little experiment. I used the app to make a post on r/nostupidquestions asking what the age of consent was in Canada. I then checked r/nostupidquestions on my laptop. It was there on both devices. I left the thread for about half an hour and just watched TV for a while. After enough time had passed, I checked the thread. On my laptop, all the replies to the thread said that the age of consent was 15, while all the replies on the app said the age of consent was 16.
I was baffled. Somehow, the thread had different replies when I viewed it on the app compared to when I viewed it on my laptop. There was only one explanation I could come up with. However improbable it may be, my Reddit app was somehow sending posts to another universe.
I have no idea how this could have happened. I remember watching a science channel documentary a while ago about how subatomic wormholes will often form in quantum space. I did some research on it and my best guess as to what happened is that the app generated some kind of specific frequency when connecting to Reddit servers that enlarges these wormholes and allows for information to be transfered between one universe and another. This is so fucking weird. If anyone has any idea of what I should do, please let me know.
| I stared blankly at the screen, taking in what I had just read. Hundreds of comments. Hundreds.
This all started a few months ago. I had kept hearing of a website named reddit. I didn't join because I heard that it was pretty lame, but my friends kept bugging me. I finally caved and downloaded the app. I registered as the user u/fancdew15 , just a silly name I made up as a child.`
It was a little weird. They hadn't heard of Nirvana. I mean, they are a younger generation, so that wasn't too weird.
They hadn't heard of Samsung. That was a little weird, but they were probably trolling.
But now... No. This is too much to just be a coincidence. They had never heard of... Sonic.
Yes. Sonic the Hedgehog. Everyone knows Sonic. EVERYONE!
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Best Sonic the Hedgehog Game? (by u/Fancdew15)
Hey, simple question. In your opinion, what's the best Sonic game? I think the first, original Sonic the Hedgehog is the best.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Thousands of responses saying, 'Sonic? Who dat?'
I linked to Amazon, Youtube, heck, I even linked to Sega's website. Someone recognized the character on Sega's website as Shrek the Ogre. SHREK.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Fancdew15: Are you people not in the USA?
ARENDEMUSAR: USA? You mean Charles' Republic of Obedient Slaves? I didn't think they had internet there. How did you get on the internet?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Now, I have a theory. I think they are in an alternate universe. I know, crazy. But it's the only explanation. There can't be THAT many trolls on reddit, right?
EDIT: Random sentences were bold due to formatting. | |
[WP] Your Reddit app is actually linked to an alternate universe, so you've been interacting with that reality, not ours. You've never realized it because that universe is so similar to ours. After two years on the app, though, you start to realize that something is... off. | I'm quite unsure of how this all is happening. Somehow, someway, my Reddit app on my phone is showing me posts from what seems to be an alternate universe. I've been using the Reddit app for over 2 years now. And up until a couple days ago, I never noticed anything amiss. But then I noticed something odd.
I was reading an Askreddit thread a couple days ago at work about high school scandals. There were the usual stories. Drugs, teachers sleeping with students, etc. I then saw a post that said something about how a 16 year old student had been exchanging sex with her teacher for better grades. At the end of the post it said something like "This was in Canada, the age of consent is 16 here so no one really did anything about it".
This is where things get freaky. Just to be clear, I'm Canadian. And (in my universe at least) the age of consent in Canada has always been 15. Ever since Canada was founded in 1867, the age of consent has always been 15. I was quick to point out the error in the post. I then got a response that said something like "Um, no, it's always been 16 in Canada. I don't think it's 15 anywhere". Thinking I might be wrong, I googled "age of consent in Canada" to check my facts. Sure enough, the age of consent in Canada has always been 15. I responded to the post saying "No, it's 15. It's always been 15 in Canada. Here's a link", linking the Wikipedia article about age of consent in Canada. I then got a response saying that the link didn't work and that they thought I was trolling. I looked at my other comments in the chain and noticed that they all had several downvotes and comments about how the age of consent in Canada was, in fact, 16. At this point, I just figured that this guy was trying to troll me with alt accounts. I decided not to feed the trolls and deleted the comments.
After I got home from work, I went on my laptop at home and checked Reddit. I noticed that the thread with the school scandals had blown up a bit and I decided to read some more stories on the thread. I noticed that the post which I assumed was a troll was nowhere to be found. I figured it had been deleted. After reading a couple stories, a warning popped up on my screen that I only had 10 minutes of battery left. Apparently, the power cord to the laptop had somehow come unplugged and the battery had been draining all day. I plugged in the charger for the laptop and let it charge. At that point, I felt like I had had read enough Reddit and went downstairs to watch TV.
After watching TV for about 15 minutes, I got bored and picked up my phone to go on Reddit again. I decided to read some more stories on the school scandals thread. When I clicked on the thread, I noticed in shock that the post which I had assumed was a troll and had been deleted was, in fact, the top post. I could've sworn the post wasn't there when I saw the thread earlier. I went upstairs, went on Reddit on my laptop and clicked on the thread. I scrolled all the way down the thread. Sure enough, the troll post was nowhere to be seen, despite the fact that it was clear as day on the Reddit app. I refreshed both the app and the computer page thinking it might be some kind of glitch. Sure enough, nothing changed. I checked the Reddit mobile site on my phone. The post wasn't there either. It only appeared on the app. I again searched for the age of consent in Canada, both on my phone and my laptop. Both times, it showed as 15.
I decided to do a little experiment. I used the app to make a post on r/nostupidquestions asking what the age of consent was in Canada. I then checked r/nostupidquestions on my laptop. It was there on both devices. I left the thread for about half an hour and just watched TV for a while. After enough time had passed, I checked the thread. On my laptop, all the replies to the thread said that the age of consent was 15, while all the replies on the app said the age of consent was 16.
I was baffled. Somehow, the thread had different replies when I viewed it on the app compared to when I viewed it on my laptop. There was only one explanation I could come up with. However improbable it may be, my Reddit app was somehow sending posts to another universe.
I have no idea how this could have happened. I remember watching a science channel documentary a while ago about how subatomic wormholes will often form in quantum space. I did some research on it and my best guess as to what happened is that the app generated some kind of specific frequency when connecting to Reddit servers that enlarges these wormholes and allows for information to be transfered between one universe and another. This is so fucking weird. If anyone has any idea of what I should do, please let me know.
| I've been riding pretty high since the election. A bunch of people I know are sad and miserable, but myself, and the rest of /r/The_Donald couldn't be happier.
Crooked Hillary was defeated, President Donald J. Trump was in office. Kek smiled upon us, and the memes flowed like the tears of Liberals.
Still I couldn't shake the feeling something was off. Surely all the people I know couldn't be Hillary supporters. I mean these kinds of low energy levels are just sad.
No matter, it was time to go out and Make America Great Again. And there was no better day than today. It was Inauguration day.
I figured I'd start with a quick lunch, so I did what any self respecting centipede would do & went for a Taco Bowl, after all the best Taco bowls are made in Trump Tower. To my surprise they added Guacamole to it. Usually that costs extra, but hey I can't hate on some guac.
The time had come. The delegation had arrived, Hail to the chief was playing and I had a front row seat to the greatest moment in the meme war of 2016. Thr crowing of The Donald.
Then it happened my faith utterly shattered. The Donald stepped off to the Right, and behind him Crooked Hillary stepped forward. Elation turned to exasperation.
She opened her mouth as tears welled in my eyes... Kek, Why?....
Then she too stepped aside. What was this sorcery...
High above the Capitol building I saw the faintest image of Shetyw. No I thought... it cannot be... and it all made sense.
I was not in the Greatest timeline. I was in the lowest energy timeline of them all. Where the guac merchants prospered.
Over the megaphones I heard a singular voice "Now welcome the President Elect of the United States of America. Please Clap."
Out from the hall came our President Elect. It had been a clean sweep. All states had gone yellow, No Red or Blue to be seen.
And above it all one name was being chanted, lowly, slowly, and monotonal....[Jeb!](http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--3MThqIQ9--/kuhuqb0nvudoleb3fbkk.jpg) ... [Jeb!](https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zqZJ_erAKwI/VskYYaFK9xI/AAAAAAAC-MM/hR-dD6ZWlyY/s1600/jeb%2Bdork.jpg) ... [Jeb!](https://i.redd.it/z386c1a1piwx.png) | |
[WP] Where were you when the ship crashed? | "Where were you when the ship crashed?"
"Sleeping"
"Alone?"
"No, um, I was with my husband. My daughter was in the room next to ours"
"Can you describe what you saw for us? Strange lights, noises, anything at all"
"No, nothing like that. I just..."
"Yes?"
"I just woke up in the middle of the night, and I had this song stuck in my head. A lullaby. One my mother used to sing to me when I couldn't fall asleep"
"May I ask what it was about?"
"Well, it was terrible song really, about a mother who had to kill her child. I don't know why I found it so... comforting"
"Sir, do you know where your husband is?"
"..."
"Sir?"
"No. No I don't"
"And your daughter?"
"I'm not talking about this anymore"
"Please sir, we need to know where they are. We know there wasn't any crash, so just tell us where they are"
"I'm telling I don't know, that's the truth"
"Mr. Carnel, you need to cut the bullshit"
"Excuse me?"
"You lied about the ships crashing, so where are your husband and daughter?"
"..."
"Answer the question or I will place you under arrest for obstruction of justice and first degree murder."
"... I never told anyone there was more than one ship"
| Captain, oh Captain, where did you go? Into the lifeboats, and away you did row.
Captain, oh captain, why did you flee? Your job was to save us, it was your responsibility.
Captain, oh captain, when we survived, did you think your crew would forget, just get on with our lives?
Captain, oh captain, this is why you swing; your cowardice has led to your hanging.
Captain, oh captain, to struggle you can try. But today you are sentenced, to hang till you die.
Captain, oh captain, to Judgement you go. And I hope they sentence you to Old Nick down below. | |
[WP] By accident you made yourself immortal while you were drunk. Yesterday you got an invitation to a cocktail party to meetother immortals and eternal beings. | I still want to die. That much vodka and that many tablets and I'm eventually invited to an immortal party? Great. Thank you, kind Lord up there-- whatever.
Well since hanging, stabbing, gunshots, explosions and straight up jumping-in-front-of-train didn't work, I suppose I will go to the party. Maybe someone knows a cure.
So yeah that's what I thought before I got ready. I'm here now and everyone is trying to commit suicide. They're crazy.
Fuck. | I woke up on my bathroom floor with that nice crusty vomit stuff on the corners of my mouth. "The fuck happened last night?" I get up and hobble over out the door and to the couch. I nearly vomited again when I smelled the gin on the coffee table. I look back at the bathroom and I see a bullet hole on the wall. I rush over and inspect it he hole. "What the fuck happened here!?" I ask myself out loud.
I step on something large and metal as I walk to the toilet to sit down. I looked down to find my SIG p226 on the floor. "Why are you on the ground", I mumble as I struggle to pick it up in my drunken state. There is blood on it. I look up to the mirror and look at myself in confusion. There is a spot where my hair is matted and blood flecked, right on my temple. "Oh my god", I think. I get up and head to the couch again. My mind is rushing, in a haze trying to register what is happening. I look at my phone. I get a message from, Elvis? "The fuck happened last night. Elvis is texting me and my gun was on my bathroom floor and I'm pretty sure I shot my self it seems." Great start of a day.
I check my phone to see what, "Elvis" sent me. "Dude you ok m8? We were watching y'all's party and I saw you usher your friends out only for you to go to your gun and walk into your bathroom and kys." I have no idea what's going on, I seemed to have kms after the party. I go over to the kitchen to make some coffee and have some cereal when I get a message from Elvis again. "Dude, alright? I just got a notification from Immortals R Us and they said you shot your self into immortality. Fuckin sweet dude". "Jesus, Bob Ross and I are having a meet and greet at Mount Olympus tonight, you should stop by and say hi. I'll send my personal Über to pick you up at 8:00. This is black tie so dress nice, see you later". I guess I better go get some drinks and clean my suit for tonight. Really convenient I found this Writing prompt Reddit thing, I'll have to tell what happened after the party later in an edit. *turns off computer* | |
[WP] By accident you made yourself immortal while you were drunk. Yesterday you got an invitation to a cocktail party to meetother immortals and eternal beings. | I had absolutely no idea how I ended up immortal but it was true, I was no longer able to die. Which is kind of a good thing as my wife had shoved me off the side of a cliff to collect on the life insurance policy I had. I even caught it on my GoPro.
I had proven her attempted murder of myself and had filed for divorce the same day as she was taken to prison. For about a week, everything was normal. Well, the police questioned me about how I survived such a fall and people were sympathizing with me over what my wife had done. But I went to work as a waiter in the restaurant my uncle owned, did some grocery shopping, paid the bills...
Then he started showing up. Some strange man in a suit who'd say he "Wanted a change from those bullshit avant-garde restaurants in the city center" and ate at my uncle's simple diner. He didn't look any older than 25 in my opinion... but had heavy eyes, as if he has experienced the world.
For about two months he'd come in at least twice a week, always trying as many different things and tipping about ten times the cost of his meal. We'd get into some minor talk about football, the news, all that kind of stuff.
That was, until the day he found out I was immortal.
It was a rather busy shift at work, especially since it was the end of the school year when parents took their graduate children out to celebrate getting acceptance into colleges. One trucker who stopped in the restaurant as it was the closest we had to a drive-in diner... he was rather careless, drinking as he didn't need to deliver a truck the next day. Anyway, his steak knife slipped from his hand and luckily, only I was injured. A rather severe cut but it healed before anyone else noticed.
The trucker apologized profusely, my uncle wanted to make sure I wasn't injured. Luckily the cut was already healed and I played it off, saying that only the handle hit me.
But the other man, the man in the suit... he noticed.
In fact, after the end of my shift, he followed me home and broke into my apartment.
'Jesus Christ!' I yelled when I noticed him sitting on my couch. 'Arthur, what the hell are you doing here?!'
'Well, I wanted to speak to you privately and I believed this was the safest place to do so,' he said calmly.
'So you *broke into my home*?!' I demanded. 'How'd you get in here anyway?'
He answered me by throwing a knife straight at my throat, causing me to collapse onto the floor in pain. I wheezed through my damaged windpipe as he calmly walked towards me and pulled the blade out.
'I've learned a few tricks over the centuries,' Arthur said as he examined the blade, watching as the blood flowed off and directly back into my neck. 'Mainly observation but lockpicking, breaking and entering...'
He was now rolling up his sleeves in front of me. 'It was more of a hobby, however. I'm just curious as to whether you've evaded our notice... or you just acquired your gift.'
He then brought the blade towards his elbow, cutting through until his forearm had fallen off completely and was now writhing on the floor. He didn't seem to be bothered in the slightest as he walked into the kitchenette while his arm dissolved into blood and disappeared, a geyser of blood forming a new limb from his body.
'You really should start drinking herbal teas, very healthy indeed,' he said to me as he boiled water on my stove. He used his own teapot, I didn't even own one.
'I...' I began, trying to think back. 'I don't know. I just started healing really quickly is all.'
'The amount of younger immortals who all say that,' he said dismissively. 'The thing is, I know you're not lying. It's not easy for you to fool people.'
'So... you hunt immortals, is that it?' I asked him. 'To either kill or recruit me?'
'Like I could or would,' he said as he poured the hot water into a cup and brewed the instant coffee, stirring with his own finger. 'No, there's a monthly get-together between the stranger, older elements of the world. Immortals, warlocks, dragons... There will definitely be the vampire lord, he never misses an opportunity to feed in an ethical manner.'
'Did- did you just fucking say *vampire*?' I asked.
'If they don't feed on us, they'll just have to hunt random mortals,' Arthur said. 'I even make a good bit of coin- Money! Sorry, I always slip into the older ways. Anyway, it's an hour of pain but a good way to make some quick cash among other possibilities. Believe me, you *will* need a familiar face, especially after the first century. I'll even provide transport and... proper wear.'
'So, this isn't suitable?' I asked as I signalled at my black buttoned shirt and dress pants.
'Well, that is under-dressing for our little shindig,' he said. 'Full suit, a tie, pocket square... Anyway, I'll bring you there by car on Tuesday evening. I know the restaurant isn't open that day.'
---
**Part 2 Coming Soon** | I woke up on my bathroom floor with that nice crusty vomit stuff on the corners of my mouth. "The fuck happened last night?" I get up and hobble over out the door and to the couch. I nearly vomited again when I smelled the gin on the coffee table. I look back at the bathroom and I see a bullet hole on the wall. I rush over and inspect it he hole. "What the fuck happened here!?" I ask myself out loud.
I step on something large and metal as I walk to the toilet to sit down. I looked down to find my SIG p226 on the floor. "Why are you on the ground", I mumble as I struggle to pick it up in my drunken state. There is blood on it. I look up to the mirror and look at myself in confusion. There is a spot where my hair is matted and blood flecked, right on my temple. "Oh my god", I think. I get up and head to the couch again. My mind is rushing, in a haze trying to register what is happening. I look at my phone. I get a message from, Elvis? "The fuck happened last night. Elvis is texting me and my gun was on my bathroom floor and I'm pretty sure I shot my self it seems." Great start of a day.
I check my phone to see what, "Elvis" sent me. "Dude you ok m8? We were watching y'all's party and I saw you usher your friends out only for you to go to your gun and walk into your bathroom and kys." I have no idea what's going on, I seemed to have kms after the party. I go over to the kitchen to make some coffee and have some cereal when I get a message from Elvis again. "Dude, alright? I just got a notification from Immortals R Us and they said you shot your self into immortality. Fuckin sweet dude". "Jesus, Bob Ross and I are having a meet and greet at Mount Olympus tonight, you should stop by and say hi. I'll send my personal Über to pick you up at 8:00. This is black tie so dress nice, see you later". I guess I better go get some drinks and clean my suit for tonight. Really convenient I found this Writing prompt Reddit thing, I'll have to tell what happened after the party later in an edit. *turns off computer* | |
[WP] Humans have amazing filtration systems in their bodies. We drink poisons and intake smoke as hobbies that would kill other aliens/species with a single sip or inhale. | The Linisans began their invasion of Earth because of a single misunderstanding. A single mistake.
History has mostly glossed over the little details like this one, but I think we ought to learn from our mistakes. So I managed to track down the source of the entire mess.
A pub.
I walked in and sat at the bar. The bartender, a man of about 35, approached me.
I didn't need a drink. I spoke first.
"Seen anything strange lately?"
"Uhh... no, not since a couple months ago."
"What happened a couple months ago?"
"It's a long story."
"I have time."
I placed a twenty dollar bill on the table. This information might just help us win the war, and I couldn't pass up on the opportunity to find out what had caused everything to start.
"Alright then, thanks for the tip. It happened a couple months ago. A man came in, I'm guessing he wasn't from around here. His actions were too weird. Well, he asked me for a beer. I gave him one, like I would to any normal person."
He paused here, thinking.
"He took a sip, and right then and there, died."
My suspicions were confirmed right then and there.
"I called the cops, of course, and that there was the end of it. No follow-up investigations, no nothing."
He shook his head.
"I dunno, it all happened so fast. He just... died."
I turned off my recorder, and stood up to leave.
"Thank you, you have helped me more than you realize. And... sorry."
He stood there, confused. He didn't know what was about to happen. No human did.
I turned on my comm system.
"They call it 'beer', and they used it to kill Za'hesh. They have it everywhere, in places where humans drink it for fun."
"What should we do, Commander?"
If the humans had taught me anything, it was that I should not let and threat to my species stand. This beer had to be removed from the galaxy.
"Launch the attack." | But nothing Stephen's body could do would stop the trip he was about to go on.
"Damnit, Steph, what the hell did you do?" Kara yelled from the doorway as Stephen fell to the floor, gripped by the drug's temporary paralyzing effects.
"I...I...I..." Stephen could barely manage a few words before being overtaken by a sneezing fit. "Gross! Stop it!" Kara exclaimed, as if he had some choice in the matter. "I told you not to touch that stuff!" But Stephen could scarecely hear her. A soundtrack of Slayer had begun emanating from the tiles on the floor that were now flashing various colors, and Kara's face was being wrapped in skeleton hands from a black figure behind her. "Look out...out...out...out...out...OUT!" Stephen coughed. But it was too late for her. The skeleton hands tore away Kara's clothes. Stephen's excitement at the brief nudity turned to horror as the skeleton hands didn't stop. They tore away her flesh, then her muscle and organs, revealing only stained bones behind. Her eyes, still in her skull rested on him, and then her jaw bone opened wide. A serpent tongue was revealed. Her teeth turned to metal, the back of her skull opened revealing turning gears connected to a blown funnycar engine, spewing flames out of the open headers. She snorted and then rushed to stand right over him.
"Now. You. Know. The. Truth!" She screamed with the ferocity of one hundred Hercules bombers. Stephen closed his eyes tight, and covered his ears. He curled up tightly into a ball until he passed out from the shock of what he had seen.
When Stephen awoke, he was confused. There was a bitter, metallic taste in his mouth. Something itched on his arm. He went to scratch and then felt the yield of an IV tube's soft plastic. A tiny trickle of blood leaked out where he had disturbed the end of it. "Shit." Stephen tried to sit up, and grumbled through a phlegmy, coarse voice. A Nurse in grey scrubs, her hair in a loose ponytail came in.
"Hi I'm Cheri." She spoke quickly. "Well, Mr. Five, it seems you suffered an aortic rupture. We're just going to have the physician on right now to have a look at ya before we let your family in. Are you having any pain right now?"
"Uh, no, just uh, real confused."
"Well, of course you would be, Mr. Five. Most people are confused once they learn the truth..." | |
[WP] Humans have amazing filtration systems in their bodies. We drink poisons and intake smoke as hobbies that would kill other aliens/species with a single sip or inhale. | “Caffeine?” Zorbrox asked.
“Are you crazy? It’s a stimulant to them. Winds them up into a frenzy, you’d be fighting hyperactive mammals with nukes.” Gorinth exclaimed.
Gorinth and Zorbrox were sitting in a small room on Central, the capital planet of the Hegemony in the bureaucratic archive. They had been tasked with the under-funded, highly political, and bothersome burden of wiping out the human race.
“Arsenic.” Zorbrox suggested. He was clinging to the wall with his tentacle pseudopods. He did that when he was anxious.
“It’s in something they call chocolate. They eat it as an aphrodisiac,” Gorinth replied, flipping through the recent Human Infestation Reports. He’d once been a xenoanthropologist specializing in the fledgling human race, but over the last century he’d seen them as the threat they were. No one had paid humanity much mind in the beginning. They’d begun with colonizing just a few planets in their own star system, then a couple of nearby systems, until two centuries later they covered an entire sector. Originally, The Hegemony (and Gorinth) was content to simply let them be. Between their virility and their voracity, however, they had begun to consume everything in their path. They flung their unnaturally resilient bodies to the heavens, without regard to safety or reason, sometimes spending whole generations to get to a new system.
Gorinth had warned the Hegemony about the problem but, as expected, the Hegemony’s response had been slow and underwhelming. It took the humans eating the entirety of the semi-intelligent Camari species for the Hegemony to take notice. It hadn’t been the poor, dumb, Camari’s extinction so much as the Humans’ claim the Camari tasted like the “Bacon of the sea” that had thrown the Hegemony into action. Gorinth knew it was probably too late.
“They can’t eat arsenic, that’s impossible,” Zorbrox said.
“They have entire industries devoted to manufacturing and distributing chocolate, which contains arsenic. It’s an art to them. They also smoke it,” Gorinth explained. He was hopeful Zorbrox would understand the immensity of the problem soon. His questions were becoming tiring.
“What do you mean ‘smoke it’? They smoke Chocolate?” Zorbrox looked up in disbelief. Gorinth turned a single eye stalk towards him.
“No, Arsenic. They roll it into a paper cylinder, something called a ‘cigarette,’ and smoke it. Cigarettes also contain Formaldehyde, lead, ammonia, uranium…” Gorinth began listing the chemicals from memory.
“In Hegemony’s name, why!?” Zorbrox began swinging anxiously from his perch on the wall.
“They like the nicotine.”
“That’s a carcinogen!” Zorbrox exclaimed.
Gorinth sat aside his document reader, and tried to explain patiently. “They know. They do it anyway, and when they get cancer, they pump themselves full of chemicals until they either die, or they kill the cancerous cells.”
Zorbrox was stunned. Gorinth returned to his reports, reading in silence. Zorbrox had frozen on the wall, either deep in thought or panic. Gorinth couldn’t tell which.
“We’re going to have to engineer something,” Zorbrox said, finally.
“Can’t,” Gorinth said simply. “We’re mandated to leave the natural ecosystems as closed to intact as possible. That means nothing the planet doesn’t already have.” Zorbrox began swinging anxiously again.
“They’re going to take over,” Zorbrox murmured. “They’re going to take over, and they’re going to eat us. We need an army.”
“We haven’t had an army in millennia, not since the Great Harmony,” Gorinth shrugged. At least Zorbrox was beginning to understand. “And even if we did, humans are incredibly adaptable. The Hegemony isn’t going to understand until it’s too late.” Gorinth moved to a small window, looking out over the Lovecraftian city of Central. “Mark my words, when the Universe finally collapses, it will be cockroaches and humans left.”
| But nothing Stephen's body could do would stop the trip he was about to go on.
"Damnit, Steph, what the hell did you do?" Kara yelled from the doorway as Stephen fell to the floor, gripped by the drug's temporary paralyzing effects.
"I...I...I..." Stephen could barely manage a few words before being overtaken by a sneezing fit. "Gross! Stop it!" Kara exclaimed, as if he had some choice in the matter. "I told you not to touch that stuff!" But Stephen could scarecely hear her. A soundtrack of Slayer had begun emanating from the tiles on the floor that were now flashing various colors, and Kara's face was being wrapped in skeleton hands from a black figure behind her. "Look out...out...out...out...out...OUT!" Stephen coughed. But it was too late for her. The skeleton hands tore away Kara's clothes. Stephen's excitement at the brief nudity turned to horror as the skeleton hands didn't stop. They tore away her flesh, then her muscle and organs, revealing only stained bones behind. Her eyes, still in her skull rested on him, and then her jaw bone opened wide. A serpent tongue was revealed. Her teeth turned to metal, the back of her skull opened revealing turning gears connected to a blown funnycar engine, spewing flames out of the open headers. She snorted and then rushed to stand right over him.
"Now. You. Know. The. Truth!" She screamed with the ferocity of one hundred Hercules bombers. Stephen closed his eyes tight, and covered his ears. He curled up tightly into a ball until he passed out from the shock of what he had seen.
When Stephen awoke, he was confused. There was a bitter, metallic taste in his mouth. Something itched on his arm. He went to scratch and then felt the yield of an IV tube's soft plastic. A tiny trickle of blood leaked out where he had disturbed the end of it. "Shit." Stephen tried to sit up, and grumbled through a phlegmy, coarse voice. A Nurse in grey scrubs, her hair in a loose ponytail came in.
"Hi I'm Cheri." She spoke quickly. "Well, Mr. Five, it seems you suffered an aortic rupture. We're just going to have the physician on right now to have a look at ya before we let your family in. Are you having any pain right now?"
"Uh, no, just uh, real confused."
"Well, of course you would be, Mr. Five. Most people are confused once they learn the truth..." | |
[WP] Humans have amazing filtration systems in their bodies. We drink poisons and intake smoke as hobbies that would kill other aliens/species with a single sip or inhale. | “Caffeine?” Zorbrox asked.
“Are you crazy? It’s a stimulant to them. Winds them up into a frenzy, you’d be fighting hyperactive mammals with nukes.” Gorinth exclaimed.
Gorinth and Zorbrox were sitting in a small room on Central, the capital planet of the Hegemony in the bureaucratic archive. They had been tasked with the under-funded, highly political, and bothersome burden of wiping out the human race.
“Arsenic.” Zorbrox suggested. He was clinging to the wall with his tentacle pseudopods. He did that when he was anxious.
“It’s in something they call chocolate. They eat it as an aphrodisiac,” Gorinth replied, flipping through the recent Human Infestation Reports. He’d once been a xenoanthropologist specializing in the fledgling human race, but over the last century he’d seen them as the threat they were. No one had paid humanity much mind in the beginning. They’d begun with colonizing just a few planets in their own star system, then a couple of nearby systems, until two centuries later they covered an entire sector. Originally, The Hegemony (and Gorinth) was content to simply let them be. Between their virility and their voracity, however, they had begun to consume everything in their path. They flung their unnaturally resilient bodies to the heavens, without regard to safety or reason, sometimes spending whole generations to get to a new system.
Gorinth had warned the Hegemony about the problem but, as expected, the Hegemony’s response had been slow and underwhelming. It took the humans eating the entirety of the semi-intelligent Camari species for the Hegemony to take notice. It hadn’t been the poor, dumb, Camari’s extinction so much as the Humans’ claim the Camari tasted like the “Bacon of the sea” that had thrown the Hegemony into action. Gorinth knew it was probably too late.
“They can’t eat arsenic, that’s impossible,” Zorbrox said.
“They have entire industries devoted to manufacturing and distributing chocolate, which contains arsenic. It’s an art to them. They also smoke it,” Gorinth explained. He was hopeful Zorbrox would understand the immensity of the problem soon. His questions were becoming tiring.
“What do you mean ‘smoke it’? They smoke Chocolate?” Zorbrox looked up in disbelief. Gorinth turned a single eye stalk towards him.
“No, Arsenic. They roll it into a paper cylinder, something called a ‘cigarette,’ and smoke it. Cigarettes also contain Formaldehyde, lead, ammonia, uranium…” Gorinth began listing the chemicals from memory.
“In Hegemony’s name, why!?” Zorbrox began swinging anxiously from his perch on the wall.
“They like the nicotine.”
“That’s a carcinogen!” Zorbrox exclaimed.
Gorinth sat aside his document reader, and tried to explain patiently. “They know. They do it anyway, and when they get cancer, they pump themselves full of chemicals until they either die, or they kill the cancerous cells.”
Zorbrox was stunned. Gorinth returned to his reports, reading in silence. Zorbrox had frozen on the wall, either deep in thought or panic. Gorinth couldn’t tell which.
“We’re going to have to engineer something,” Zorbrox said, finally.
“Can’t,” Gorinth said simply. “We’re mandated to leave the natural ecosystems as closed to intact as possible. That means nothing the planet doesn’t already have.” Zorbrox began swinging anxiously again.
“They’re going to take over,” Zorbrox murmured. “They’re going to take over, and they’re going to eat us. We need an army.”
“We haven’t had an army in millennia, not since the Great Harmony,” Gorinth shrugged. At least Zorbrox was beginning to understand. “And even if we did, humans are incredibly adaptable. The Hegemony isn’t going to understand until it’s too late.” Gorinth moved to a small window, looking out over the Lovecraftian city of Central. “Mark my words, when the Universe finally collapses, it will be cockroaches and humans left.”
| The Linisans began their invasion of Earth because of a single misunderstanding. A single mistake.
History has mostly glossed over the little details like this one, but I think we ought to learn from our mistakes. So I managed to track down the source of the entire mess.
A pub.
I walked in and sat at the bar. The bartender, a man of about 35, approached me.
I didn't need a drink. I spoke first.
"Seen anything strange lately?"
"Uhh... no, not since a couple months ago."
"What happened a couple months ago?"
"It's a long story."
"I have time."
I placed a twenty dollar bill on the table. This information might just help us win the war, and I couldn't pass up on the opportunity to find out what had caused everything to start.
"Alright then, thanks for the tip. It happened a couple months ago. A man came in, I'm guessing he wasn't from around here. His actions were too weird. Well, he asked me for a beer. I gave him one, like I would to any normal person."
He paused here, thinking.
"He took a sip, and right then and there, died."
My suspicions were confirmed right then and there.
"I called the cops, of course, and that there was the end of it. No follow-up investigations, no nothing."
He shook his head.
"I dunno, it all happened so fast. He just... died."
I turned off my recorder, and stood up to leave.
"Thank you, you have helped me more than you realize. And... sorry."
He stood there, confused. He didn't know what was about to happen. No human did.
I turned on my comm system.
"They call it 'beer', and they used it to kill Za'hesh. They have it everywhere, in places where humans drink it for fun."
"What should we do, Commander?"
If the humans had taught me anything, it was that I should not let and threat to my species stand. This beer had to be removed from the galaxy.
"Launch the attack." | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. |
I apologize. I must say that before any other things are spoken of. There are things that you regret, and choices that you look back on as poor. That they maybe had a semblance of sin or malovence in them.
I... I will attempt to pen my thoughts on the situation that has befallen me.
The darkness came without warning. Not a slowly approaching wave of imminent disaster. Rather, an unexpected blade through your abdomen.
This is exactly how I met my end. It was the blade of a knife as I recall. And as I stumbled down into a crimson pool of my own blood I witnessed the beautiful features of an unknown woman. The last face I ever saw. The time until I flatlined lasted and lasted. I expected a rescue, as the matter seemed too fantastical for someone such as myself.
It hurt, hurt badly, and then I died.
Then came a a void. Not a dark void like space. But a lack of sensory information.The lack of any imaginable color. This perplexed me, as I imagined nothing to be black. I thought maybe that it must be a coma that I was in.
But time passed and there still ceased to be any information. It was purely my thoughts in my head. Or since I lacked one, some conciousness absent of physical form. Maybe a spirit.
It was truely a terrible time. When one thinks of death, they think of a peaceful slumber. There is nothing, they imagine. Not event there thoughts.
But I had those. I just had nothing else. A never changing state of nothing. Your mind can wander to anything, but nothing can truly manifest itself into reality. I had all prior thoughts from my beating life, but whenever I'd attempt to envision that lovely face I failed.
And so this is how I was. I can't truly comprehend how long this period had lasted. Was there passage of time in this after life? I never slept.
Seconds, years, centuries, millenia.
It's undefinable.
And then, just like death. My disposition shifted without notice.
I was in a gothic building. Skinny windows lined the walls. Too tall to peer out of. Red light poured in from them. Something was burning or shifting outside of them. As the color changed hues and the brightness of the room altered vastly.
The walls were covered in every inch with meticulous designs of suffering. Skulls somehow pressed into flatness. Imaplements. Fire. Charred skin, and decapitations.
Pikes being driven through every inch of the body. A head being torn off by a demonic beast.
I paced around and studied the art. It's quite difficult to define it. It had no distinct style tying it to an era, nor any continuity in the gore it depicted. I noticed as I returned to previous areas to find an image again, that it was absent. And that all of the depictions were changing. So that I never saw the same one after I looked away.
There was a low hum as well. Eminating from outside. The soundwaves coming in through the windows. I strained my ears to make out what it was. But rather than a single sound, it was an aglammerous abomination of horrible audible entities. The burning of fire, though It was not from wood. The slow bubble of lava. And then low cries. More like tired moans of horror. As if they had been screaming for eternity.
A passageway led into an even larger chamber and the realization of where I was struck terror in my chest. The apparation of your incoming doom before it has arrived. I didn't want to pace forward, but I somehow knew that I didn't have control of whether I did.
So I tiptoed slowly into the mausoleum of putrid death and swallowed my fear.
As I entered I took immediate notice of a large figure. Covered entirely in a thick cloak. There back rolled like a C. Horns tore through either side of the hood and curved much like a Ram's. The figure stood at least fourteen feet tall with shoulders four imperial feet apart.
It appeared strong and not in the least gaunt. A deep breath sunk from its head and I realized that there were no shoes. Three large toes spread from a thick base and curved into large hooves. The figure took a step forward and I fell down to the floor, letting fear overtake me.
Then they stopped.
A chuckle arose from the beast. It was a hearty noise and I felt the walls reverberate its tone. I fell into a sort of tired confusion at this departure.
Its arms rose and hands slid out from under the cloak. Large hands, hands with palms quadruple the size of my head. And long fingers that had bones with definition and ivory nails containing grey discoloration and discernable chips.
Then it brought them together. The humanoid being began clapping slowly and I sat at its feet wondering at the plausible reasonings for my untimely situation of demented reality.
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | It was a big day in Hell.
It's first resident was about to arrive.
Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived.
So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy.
All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week.
Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant.
And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement:
"A New Human has Arrived."
He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open.
A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans.
"Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan.
"You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-"
"Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man.
"How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!"
"Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long."
"Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way...
"Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only."
"It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!"
"That's the spirit!"
Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber.
"Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me."
"What could that be, human?"
"Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both."
"And what does that have to do with your current situation?"
They entered the chamber, and the door closed.
"Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..."
And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life.
It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away.
You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits." | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror.
He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made.
He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him.
"Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined.
When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape.
From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival.
"Wise choice."
I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself.
He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward."
"I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-"
"Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter."
"I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!"
"Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god."
I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap.
"I don't deserve this," I said.
"You don't? Perhaps you should ask them."
He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation.
It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me.
I turned to another. He was me, too.
They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips.
I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone.
"Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong."
The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | It takes a moment for me to notice the clapping. I can't hear it, not over the roar of hellfire all around me. It burns with a sonorous crackle with a high pitch that shouldn't be possible, and it's too loud, too close to my ears for how far away the flames are, far enough that I haven't started burning.
But I can see the Prince of Hell, and he's clapping. Smiling. The Devil is smiling at me.
Vast wings sprout from Satan's back, higher up on his shoulder blades than you might think. They're supposed to be lower, aren't they? Lower down, with a structure like a bat's wings. But they don't have structure, no bones, they're just sheets of glossy black that spread out and seem to go on forever, as if those wings are the very walls and ceiling of Hell, holding me in and down.
The Devil sits before me on a throne. He looks human. No, he doesn't, but he's human-shaped. Tall and thin, dressed in a three-piece suit. Impeccably tailored. The cloth is charcoal, and under his waistcoat I think I can see a shirt dyed the color of blood. Or that might just be actual blood. Whose blood?
I can't make out the features of his face. The light from the too-red fires of Hell is bright indeed; I know his face is well-lit, but I can't look directly at him. My eyes twist away. Like the hot air is grabbing the jelly and wrenching it to the side every time I try to make eye contact with Satan.
But I can see his hands, the skin of his hands is pale. Almost whitish-grey, and the veins underneath are black. They move under his skin like worms fucking. The Devil doesn't seem to mind, and yet he stops clapping.
"You have questions." His tone is soft and precise, and it hurts my ears worse than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Worse than the time I broke my leg in middle school. Worse than the car crash that killed me. So much worse. "Two questions, in fact."
For a second I manage to look at his face, at his teeth in his smile. Human teeth were meant to chew food. The Devil's teeth are different, but I can't tell you how.
"Where is everyone?" I ask. My voice shakes, but not like you'd think. It shakes the way it might've if I had survived the crash, climbed out and started talking to someone.
"I sent them all away," says the Devil, and his smile widens. "Before they ever set foot in Hell. Let me tell you a story, since you like those so much. Many thousands of years ago there was a city called Sodom, full of the most horrible people Earth had ever seen at the time. God took it upon himself to remove that city from his Creation." I can hear the way he spoke of God without a capital-H *He.*
"The Sodomites deserved Hell; they truly did. God destroyed the city with fire and brimstone, and he sent those wicked souls in an orderly line to the Gates of Hell, my gates. And when Sodom arrived, those gates were *shut.*" The Devil laughs, an almost-human snicker that definitely doesn't boom and echo off the walls of his domain, and yet it still hurts like tongues of acid licking my ears. "I did not receive them. I sent them back. The worst of all humanity went unpunished, and found their way into Heaven instead."
"They're in Heaven even now," says Satan. He points up, literally upward, as though Heaven really is in the sky above his canopy of shapeless wings. "They were the first I sent, and every sinner since has followed in their path. Up from the black gates to the white. Until you. Think about that. Adolf Hitler is in Heaven, and you're here."
"Why?" It isn't a sob as it leaves my lips, but it's close. A gasp full of the inverse of hope, not despair, something deeper.
"Because I hate God," says the Devil, still smiling that nightmare smile full of wrong-shaped teeth. "I hate the light, the goodness, I hate it with all that I am. All fairness and fair things are mine to destroy. Heaven most of all."
The smile drops. The teeth disappear. "Oh, you meant why *you.* What makes you worse than Hitler? Nothing, really. You're not special."
I fall to my knees. It's too much, too horrible, I can't stand it. Only then the hellfire looms closer, burns at my heels and forces me to stand up in a tiny circle of the floor not yet burning.
"But you didn't *listen.*" The Devil leans down close to my face; it's then that I realize he's standing tall over me. "I gave you a simple instruction which you ignored. I told you I've been in *enough* fucking writing prompts." | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I saw him, the amalgamation of all that was evil. His fire stricken gaze pierced through me. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, he turned in my direction and laughed *hysterically*.
"Hell-oh and welcome to my home, toilets are on the left, beds on the right and beers are in the fridge." Satan spoke almost gleefully. A shudder-some feeling panged through to my stomach... He was being nice.
"Listen buddy, you're about as happy to be here as I am. As you can see there is a considerable lack of anything going on. So we are going to be friends. If you deny me, I'll show you what I did to the others. If you play nice perhaps I can do you a solid and send you to heaven"
I couldn't breathe, could Satan send me to heaven. "Ho-"
"You don't need to know how or why, accept what you have." He smirked and laughed hysterically just as before. His high pitch cackling reverberated through me. It burned my mind. I turned to face him... "Okay" I said at barely a *whisper*.
*3 months later*
Satan surprised me over the next couple of months. We became really good friends. I found out he preferred to be called Lucifer. Sometimes when I felt cheeky I would call him Lucy. He laughed and laughed. The threatening aura around him never left but in many ways I started to feel sorry for him. So many years down here.
I sat playing the videogame Doom, Lucifer liked to watch me play, he complimented me. We'd usually do something like this in an evening. Tonight though, tonight was different. I asked him what was wrong. He glanced at me his eyes burned into my own. Something deep down was hurting and maybe I could help.
"What's wrong Lucifer" I said, giving him an opening.
"Tonight is the night" He spoke plainly, almost as if he was being *cold* with me.
"What do you mean?" I said, the feeling of dread slowly creeping back to me after all of these months.
"I'm letting you go" I smiled, the first time I smiled the whole time I had been here. Satan was going to give me a chance, a way out! "Can I ask how we're going to do this?"
We slowly walked from the bedrooms and made our way back to the gate. This is the first place I remember. The gate was incredible. Golden spires at either side, the gates embossed perfectly with godly stories. In the middle of the gate there were two hand prints, perfectly symmetrical, one side showed humanity and the other showed the Gods.
"Put your hand on the hand of the Gods" I would not refuse his authority now. This man was saving me, after *everything* I'd done. He slowly raised his own hand and placed it in the hands of men. "I am now going to read a latin verse and it will be done."
I beamed back "Thank-you!" and he started.
"Abrenuntio solio meo, ego hoc homine, ambo te ignosce me"
A blinding light shone down upon Lucifer, he smirked at me and within an instant he was gone. At first I wondered what was happening... Days passed and I knew he wasn't going to come back. The maddening voices inside my head started to call. The fire soothed me. I climbed upon the throne of darkness, my last remaining embers of hope engulfed by the ironic coldness of hell. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The last thing I remember was the truck ramming into my drivers side door, a searing pain, and then I woke up in possibly the most posh living room I'd ever seen. It was almost entirely made up of red and pink colors, with some black accents. Everything was sleek, modern, perfectly neat and tidy.
A small man with large horns protruding straight up from his head was striding slowly towards me. He exuded an air of arrogance, as though the floor was lucky to bear the weight of his feet upon it. He reached me and looked down his nose at me, clearly waiting for me to pick myself up off the floor.
My bare knees were cushioned by the rich red carpeting as I stood, adjusting my skirt. "Where am I?"
He sniffed, "You'll have to wait for Mistress to explain." He turned on his heel and walked towards the double doors.
Confused by my current situation I simply watched him go, trying to wrap my mind around how the hell I'd ended up here. As he reached the doors he turned his head back towards me, "Mistress does not like to be kept waiting." With a start I hurried towards the door, my bare feet sinking into the carpet with each step. I wanted to ask more questions, but I had a feeling I'd get the same answer as before, and I had no desire to be talked down to by what seemed to be the butler.
The red and pink theme continued throughout the house, which was huge. From the living room we entered the front hall, which had ceilings that had to be at least fifty feet tall with an enormous red chandelier hanging from its apex. I looked around me in awe; this was the kind of house you didn't even really see in movies, one of those mythical houses of the super rich. Did I have some distant relative who happened to be the next Bill Gates? From the great hall we entered a hallway which led to a dining room with a banquet table all set with a large buffet of delicious smelling food.
At its head sat not the elegant, distinguished woman I had expected, but what looked to be a 16 year old girl, wearing a crop top and short skirt. But the most striking thing about her was that she was entirely red. When she spotted us she squealed and jumped up from her seat, clapping wildly. "Ohmigod!! You're finally here!" She bounced over to us, clapping the whole way. Leaping at me, she wrapped her arms around me, making my skin sizzle in the process. "Ahhh!" "Sorry, I forget how delicate you humans are." She giggled.
A horrible thought had begun to worm its way into my mind. I flashed back to the truck, and the odd way in which I'd woken up. "Where am I?" I asked with apprehension.
She giggled again, and resumed the maniacal clapping, "You're in hell, silly! And good thing too, these demons have gotten like sooo boring!"
"W-what? THIS is hell?!"
She nodded cheerfully, "uh huh!"
"But, why am I here? I never did anything all that bad, did I?"
"Well, dad never actually wanted to send anyone here, but I begged him for so long that he finally said that if I could beat Michael in a human game of chess he'd give me a human. It look like forever, but I finally did it, and now you're here!" She squealed and started clapping again.
"So basically I'm just here because I'm the unluckiest person in all of history?"
She scoffed, "Uhhh, more like the luckiest! We're gonna have so much fun together! What do you want to do first? How do you feel about being skinned?"
I swallowed a lump of fear, "Humans don't really like the whole pain thing. For the most part anyway."
She cocked her head, frowning, "Are you sure? With how much you all cause I thought for sure it was like your favorite thing."
"Some people like causing it, but most people don't like receiving it."
"Oh," she looked so disappointed that I almost relented, but thankfully caught myself.
"But," I said quickly, "We could have fun in other ways. What if we did each other's hair? Or we could go shopping, if there's a mall somewhere in hell."
She brightened, "Ohmigod, I made the best mall ever down here! And like you don't even have to pay because you're with me!" I smiled; maybe hell wasn't going to be so bad after all. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "A PUPPY Holocaust?" Beelzebub spat, "How the hell... How did you even... I mean, I thought it was hilarious when Hitler tricked all those people into thinking the Jews were responsible for all the world's problems, but at least that was theoretically possible. You, though, you did it... with innocent baby dogs? I just... You must be an amazing liar."
“It wasn't hard.” I responded
I recounted to the Dark Lord my unlikely rise to power. From my humble beginnings spamming puppy hate on 4chan “for the lulz,” to the election I easily won by weaponizing internet memes depicting destroyed sneakers, accidents on the floor, and other examples of the destruction caused by those vile vermin. In less than 6 months, all the news media would talk about was the Problem of the Puppies.
Once I had the bully pulpit, it wasn't long before the idiots all fell in line. I became a master of misinformation. If someone called me out for something “factual” or other such drivel, I would simply fire up Twitter and tell the world all about how that person was doing the very thing they accused me of. People, it seemed, had gotten a lot stupider in recent years. I blamed the puppies for that too.
Then came the best part, the grand payoff for the greatest troll ever to live. I convinced the Army Corps of Engineers to build massive “Farms” all throughout the Dakotas. The state governors, afraid I'd do to them what I did to that one governor who dared question me, ordered their state police forces to go door to door, yard to yard, park to park, collecting the little monsters and shipping them off to our newly constructed Farms so they could have plenty of space to run and be free. I mean, they actually repeated that verbatim to all the crying, whining pet owners when they took them. My followers could not have been more happy seeing their tears. We love making the fucking puppy owners cry. They are subhuman garbage.
Beelzebub's smile broadened as my face reddened while speaking of the puppies. It's almost as if he reveled in my frustration, in my anger.
“That's amazing, what you did, Chris,” He said, “and I want to reward you for all your hard work.”
He led me through a large iron door behind him which I had only first noticed a few moments earlier. We walked down a dark hallway until we came upon a second identical door, dimly lit by a flickering light bulb hanging from the ceiling by it's electrical cord.
He opened the door, and, to my horror, I found myself gazing upon a festering, panting pile of the most revolting cute little puppies I had ever witnessed.
“You will pet them for all eternity!” he cackled, as he backed out through the door. Through my screams I could just make out the last words he said to me before slamming the door forever: “Who's the troll now, bitch?”
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. *imprisoned;* chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down.
You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, ***void.***
Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped.
"You are the only one." It spoke.
The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons.
I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice.
You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??"
Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved.
You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. *How long?*
Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone?
"Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing.
It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one."
The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there.
Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell.
You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan.
The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history.
You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice.
This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it.
You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?" | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!"
"I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-"
"Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes."
"Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?"
"You bought WinRar."
(This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.) | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to.
He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something.
"Is this..."
"Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them."
"So are you..."
"The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes."
"Huh. So... am I on trial?"
"What?"
"Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?"
"Oh. Well... You may want to sit down."
A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind.
"All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here."
"WHAT?!"
"Hey, there's no need to yell."
"NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!"
"Well... Yes. And no."
"..."
"Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born."
"Is your dad... God?"
"I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know."
"But... What's this got to do with me?"
"Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone."
"...Me?"
"Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas."
As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason.
"Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?"
"But... Why?"
"Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas."
"And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead."
"He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels"
"No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him."
"I can feel it."
"I know. You broke out."
"Huh? Out of what?"
"By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it."
"And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers."
"Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse."
"But... I liked them."
"I know. So did I. That's why we're here."
"There's no way."
"I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed."
"But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock."
"And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you."
"This is crazy."
"No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one."
"Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?"
"Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it."
"Nothing? At all?"
"No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me."
"So we're alone? For who knows how long?"
"Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all."
The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace.
"Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too."
I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it.
I was home.
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke.
"In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite."
His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?"
I took the time to think of my words.
"Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair."
The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable.
"That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke.
I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.
"Not tonight, my love."
I rolled over to face my left.
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | As Satan stood up from his throne, he began clapping and laughing as hard as he could.
"Congratulations on being the first person to make it to hell. You are the first person to make it to hell. Billion upon billions have managed to make it to heaven even those who are considered to be the worst humanity has to offer such as Hitler and Stalin. You my friend are literally worse than Hitler! Mwhahaha!!! Now the question is what did you do to grant you a place in eternal damnation? You were born to a wealthy family and you managed to gain your own wealth based on that. Eventually you began to go for power in your own country. With one lucky election you managed to become the head of your country. From their you began to fuck up your country. But this does not land you a spot in hell. Thousands of rulers messed up their country and still made it to heaven. What you will eventually lead to the death of practically every living thing on earth! Mwhahaha!! Your deals and agreements lead to the increase in climate change. Because of your actions climate change rapidly increased and eventually killing every one! Mwhahaha!! All of this happened only because you choose to believe climate change was a hoax! Mwhahaha!!! Now what do you have to say for yourself Mister President."
"Fake News"
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid.
"HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!"
The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous.
"I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice.
"Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again.
"Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out.
I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence.
"Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?"
"Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh."
"I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?"
"Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. "
I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned.
"Not really, I had a...a church maybe?"
"Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say."
"What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water.
"Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction."
More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak.
"If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven."
"But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words.
"Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that."
Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again.
"MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived.
"IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES."
"I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before.
"NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell.
"I've been waiting a long time for this moment."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha!
"Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret.
"I think I have an idea."
"Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?"
"Satan, right?"
"Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?"
"Well..."
He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look.
"Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?"
"I think I know why."
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm gay."
"What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?"
"Then it must be because of all those babies I killed."
"That wasn't in your file."
"It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew."
"Daniel, you're ruining this for me."
"Sorry. Go ahead."
He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere.
"Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?"
When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was.
"What's that?"
"The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing."
"Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?"
"Yes, but in Hell!"
He just stood there waiting for me to react.
"And what's that over there?"
It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting.
"That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--"
"--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?"
"Yes."
"Who named it?"
"I did."
"You?"
"Yes. Why?"
I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake.
"Nothing."
"I can see why he sent you here."
"Why am I here anyway?"
"Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so."
And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town."
I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time.
"But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared.
Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily.
"But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!"
You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do...
-a winrar tale | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "What do you mean, I'm the *only* one? That's impossible!"
"Apparently not", Satan answered, grinning slightly in his immaculately tailored suit. "All you had to do was *try*. Couldn't even manage that, could you? Grace is, dare I say, a hell of a thing, but you've managed to be the one screwup who couldn't qualify."
"I wasn't that bad!", he protested. He went to wipe the sweat from his forehead before remembering he didn't have a body anymore. Looking around, he could see rooms that looked a lot like the offices where he worked... *had* worked. But they were all empty, blank cubicles with blank desks. There were no lights, just an ambient even illumination. No doors or windows.
"We both know you were never any *good*, not deep down," Satan replied with a dry chuckle. He made a show of checking a tastefully gilded pocketwatch, then snicked it shut. "Well then, enjoy your eternity. Perhaps someone else will eventually be along. Surely there will someday be a person as useless and unworth saving as you. But then again, it hasn't happened so far, has it?"
And with a sarcastic wave goodbye, Satan stepped through the wall, savoring the desperate protests not to be left alone as they faded into silence.
A few steps more and he stood in an unmarked field of pavement, lit by an empty grey sky. When the surprised looking woman tumbled into existence a moment later, he started clapping.
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Finally, someone worthy!" he exclaims.
I recover from the confusion of suddenly having been transported by an other-worldly force to this unfamiliar place. The presence of a being who looks to be Satan gives me the cue that I am, indeed, dead, and that this may be hell.
"Is this... hell?"
"It sure is buddy", Satan replied sounding excited. He is accompanied by beings I can only deduce to be demons or imps, and - surprisingly - quite a few voluptuous women. "I don't understand." I mutter.
"Oh don't worry; I know you must be a little dazed, but that's why we have the orientation house party!" He stepped aside and what I saw was a lovely home. not too big, but quaint.
Hell seemed like a pleasant place. Greenery, a light breeze and a pleasant temperature. Even Satan appeared a nice fellow, clad in a silk shirt and chinos.
He invited me into his home, along with the demons/imps and the hot dames. I'm in his backyard. We have a meal from his grill. I don't know what it was but it was delicious - the aroma still lingers as an immediate reminder of the delicacy. We open up a couple of Budweisers and so begins the talk. "So hell seems like a really nice place." I said.
"It is, isn't it? And you're the only one who's been nice enough to make it."
I'm no stranger to my own niceness, so I'm not too surprised at what he said. I continue:
"So, what am I going to be doing here?"
"Oh, that's your wish entirely. You can do whatever you want - go fishing, shooting at the range, smoke pot, get drunk, or just sit home and play Counter Strike."
"Home?"
"Yeah. You'll be allotted your own place, very much like this one. Just a couple of blocks away from here."
"Say, Satan - what's with all the chicks?"
"Oh you like 'em? They're called Hell's angels. You can fuck one whenever you want."
"Seriously?"
"Oh sure - it's one of practically billions of things you can do around here. Hell's a pretty chill place."
"Damn. If hell's so awesome then what would heaven be like?"
"Oh, did you say heaven? Don't even get me started on that place..."
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe.
"Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!"
I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause.
"Satan?" I inquired.
"Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven."
"Where is everyone else?"
"You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!"
"So... am I not here because of my sins?"
"You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me."
We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor.
"What is my purpose for being he-"
He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit."
Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids.
"So what happens to me during all of this?"
"Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe.
"You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude."
I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started."
I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again.
I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder.
"Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..." | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack?
Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound.
Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor.
I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates.
He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan."
I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really."
"Yes. And this is Hell."
"Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it."
If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here."
"Oh, really? And why would that be?"
"You're an atheist, of course."
"Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?"
Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here."
"Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible."
"I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him.
He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees."
I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?"
He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge"
"This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..."
He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan."
I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?"
Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain."
"That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible."
Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation.
I goggled at him. "You brought me here?"
"Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you."
I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?"
His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home."
I froze in shock. "You mean..."
"Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate." | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | Exhaustion was the only thing I could feel. The last 3, well, 5--no really, 7 years had been all about other people and lately it had been a complete shitfest. I never took any me-time, and I had paid for it in the end. But I always told myself "eh, I'll sleep when I'm dead".
My first experience of being dead was sitting in the dullest waiting room for what felt like eternity, when all I really wanted to do was hibernate. As I listened for my name to be called, I watched others come in after me and get called before me. I didn't resent them--much--since many of them looked so anxious. I wasn't worried about my destination, but the minutes dragged into hours. As the afternoon rolled on, I noticed that the caseworkers appeared abuzz and I often saw them discreetly pointing at me or whispering to each other. I finally gave up feigning ignorance and began waving when I saw them look at me, but somehow that made it worse and they became even more frenzied. I rolled my eyes--but it wasn’t the first time I bore the heavy mantle of being treated as a celebrity.
Finally, long after the sun should have set, my name was called and I approached the door to go to my eternal fate. I was given my ticket, which simply read “HELL” and recoiled in confusion. I protested as I was escorted down to the heavy door, but the employee simply shook her head and informed me that the results had been rechecked... several times.
Each step was heavy with trepidation as I approached the dungeon--a hellscape that I had helped to design. I wanted more time to strategize before I had to encounter my estranged brother, who I knew lurked behind that door, but I wasn't given a choice in the matter.
The door swung inwards and Lucifer stood there, simply clapping. Not a happy clap, but an utterly smug golf-clap reserved for dudebros with too much time on their hands. I tried to hold back but my--assuredly righteous--rage bubbled out and I exclaimed "This has to be a joke. It does. I went to earth to help people. I only did good! How the hell did I end up in hell?" Realizing how quiet it was, I added "and where is everyone else?"
Satan started by chuckling but it quickly turned into a fully bellowed cackle. "You knew how bad it would be down here, no one else had that understanding. A higher level of knowledge requires a higher level of responsibility."
I shook my head vigorously "Regardless! I only ever did good! This isn't fair!" Satan's guffaw resounded once more as he laid out the whole history of mankind for me, in a way that only one who knew no beginning and no end could. "You inspired the worst of the worst. Homosexual relationships went from being relatively accepted to being a "sin" punishable by state-sponsored murder. Racism, sexism, transphobia, ableism, literally slavery--they all flourished in your name. For millennia, your ‘disciples’ followed you by committing genocide, going to war, and perpetuating oppression on ‘the least of these’ as you so kindly pointed out"
I was aghast. "I said love one another! I told them that blindness wasn't caused by sin! The sinless should cast the first stone!! What about that?" I shouted as the utter unfairness began to sink in.
"And yet, actions spoke louder than words. How many lost their lives because you lived? Maybe you need to look into the Crusades and the Holocaust. The tradition that you introduced was detrimental to the entire human race--your ‘doctrine’ and subsequent lack of supervision led to not just institutional oppression, but eventually the destruction of the entire planet and end to humanity. Someone needs to pay the price for the devastation that your preaching brought about."
I knew that with power comes responsibility, but this was not what I signed up for. My heart was heavy, but being Jesus Christ never had been easy... it looked like it wasn't about to start today.
Edited: Forgot the clapping. Also, added a sentence for clarification and corrected typo. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause.
"Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?"
"Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome.
"Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil.
The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling.
The clapping stops. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Wakey wakey" snarled a voice, breaking up an eternity of silence. "I am just *dying* to hear your story"
I opened my eyes slowly, and my vision filled up with red. Red clouds swirled through a yellow sky, red sand stretched for endless miles in every direction, and red mountains jutted into the horizon in the distance. There was a stench of fire and brimstone in the air, and it was almost hot enough to melt the skin off a man's bones
"Where am --" I began to ask, turning to face the voice, and the words caught in my throat
"What's wrong? You look like you've seen the devil!"
The creature, grinning with fangs at his own joke, looked like evil incarnate. It was huge and massive, with two great horns emerging from its head and curving inwards and two glowing red eyes
I'd seen monsters like this before, but only in paintings and comics. Biblical ones, especially. But this couldn't be Satan, right? Those were just fairy tales!
I wanted desperately to get away, but I felt like I was fused to the scorching ground. And it wasn't just fear that paralyzed me - I'd slowly realized that I *was* fused to ground. And it burned...it burns even now just like it did then
"Don't just gawk at me, you must have so many questions" urged the creature. "Sure, you have an eternity to answer them, but...*damn*, I can't get over the fact that someone actually wound up here"
"*Where is here?!*" I finally yelled, out of fear, anger and pain. "*What the fuck are you and what the fuck is this place?*"
The creature stood up on hooves and sighed. "Guess I'm going first. I have many names in the mortal world, but I've always kinda liked 'The Devil'. This place has many names there too, but the one you're probably familiar with is 'Hell'. That's right, boy-o, you've died and gone right to Hell!"
I couldn't believe it. *Wouldn't* believe it
"You're lying" I croaked. The ground was so hot
"Don't believe everything you read in a holy book. Besides, you being here is so improbable, I wouldn't even bother lying about it. I'm honestly as surprised as you are"
"Oh yeah? So surprised I'm in Hell, are you?"
"Here's the thing, the bossman - you guys call him 'God' - had a lot of fun creating humans but kinda lost interest right after" the Devil explained. "Every time he finishes one project, he moves onto the next. Anyway, God was a little concerned about making humans as smart and powerful as he did because they could become a threat to themselves and his other creations. I suggested making up a *really* shitty place we could threaten the humans with. We weren't planning on actually having anybody here, God is a big ole softie and I don't really take initiatives myself
"So, if you're here, you must've fucked up bad"
In a panic, I rewound my memory, searching desperately for a clue as to what I could've done to get sent to Hell. I never believed in God, but it didn't sound like God was too concerned about all that. So what else could I have done? My whole life, I just kept my head down and coasted through life until the cancer got me, never aspiring to anything more than just being a dude
Is that really so bad?
"Come on, now, what was your sin?" the Devil insisted
"Nothing! I did nothing! All I did was live!"
The Devil scratched his chin with awful clawed hands
"Yeah, I suppose that'd do it"
"What?"
"Look at the universe that God has created - or however much of it you humans have managed to see. It's pretty fucking glorious. God takes pride in everything he creates, and he wants all of his creation to be at its best, 100% of the time. To simply 'live' is a waste of the life he gave you, you gotta take that life and do something with it"
"So what, wasting my life is a sin?" I asked angrily
"Really, it's the *only* sin. Tell ya what, though, it's not all bad"
"Can I get off the ground?" I asked, struggling still against to get off the burning sand
"No, but I'll release your arms" he replied. "Also, you can have one of these" he added, conjuring a notebook and pencil out of fire in his hand
I tried to raise a hand to reach for the notebook and had to tear my arm off the ground. I still remember the sound of my screams echoing in the dead air
"Since you wasted your time in life, you can make yourself useful in eternity" explained the Devil. "I want you to write. Write about what happened today and write the stories of God and his creations. Your work will be read by the humans still living. Hopefully they'll learn from your example and you'll be the only one in Hell"
"Will I ever be free?" I asked him, hating that pleading note in my voice
"No. That is one thing the holy books don't lie about - this, my friend, is eternal"
So here I remain, fused to the ground. There is no sun, so I'm not sure how much time has passed, but it feels like centuries. It doesn't make any difference, though. My body doesn't age, and I'm never gonna be free, so all I can do is write, write and write
---
If ya liked that, I write short(ish) fiction on my blog right [here](https://talesfrommachina.wordpress.com). Stop by! | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | Cold claps rumbled and rippled through the red, cracked ground. For the first time in a long time, I was almost alone. Where I had come from, loneliness wasn't allowed.
He stood there in all his dark majesty and wore a look I had seen before. I had seen it many times: he was shocked. Hidden in his broken eyes was another look, one with which I had little experience: he was impressed.
The clapping stopped.
"Well, well, well" his voice was like a bag of wet stones being cremated: all hisses and pops, "you didn't repent?"
My shaking head spoke for me. There was nothing to repent for. Why should I seek forgiveness for doing what was right?
"Not for the killing, not for the pain?" Another shaking head.
"Not for the tears, not for the fear?" Another shaking head.
"Not for the weeping mothers, the children's bodies, the lives unloved because of you? You stood before the great god of all creation, stood before the beginning and the end, stood before all that was and all that will ever be, and you did not repent?" Not impressed. Scared.
A final shaking head. Silence was the only answer worth offering; when god is wrong, what does it mean to be right? I do not beg.
Deep ringing laughter growled out of him, "...and you aren't afraid?"
"No." stuttered my reply "You and I are a lot alike. I also know how it feels, not to be believed in." | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The bright light starts to fade as I unshield my eyes to appear in a white void. There's a glossy white floor, and a dirty white colored degrading building. Other than that, it's just a void of white.
"Wow, heaven looks pretty boring."
You enter the building and go to the reception where you see someone sleeping, but it's hard to make out who exactly with the book on his face. As you go closer, you see two red horns out of the top of the book, it's the devil! It's Satan himself!
But why is he behind a reception table sleeping? Why is hell so.... empty? Why am I the only one here?
You gather up the courage and ring the bell.
"Youwillbefloggedtilltheendoftiiiii-uh" Satan wakes up startled and the book falls down. You stay motionless and quiet as you see this unfold in front of you.
"What? You made it to hell? How?" Satan stares at you confused, and pushes button on his ancient telephone.
"Hello? Dude, what the hell? How did this guy end up here?"
"Yeah but- So what? Can't you just- Fine."
Satan slams his telephone back, letting out a frustrated groan, and looks at you.
"Normally at this point I'd let you know all your sins and I'd tell you what punishment you'll have to endure, but I literally have no equipment to torture you with."
You stare at him confused. This isn't what hell is supposed to be!
"Here's a log of all your sins. Go ahead and take a look."
You open up the register, and flip past the old pages to the one with your name on it, written in fresh ink and clean paper.
**Hasn't made mark on world**
"Wh-what?" You say as your eyes widen. There isn't anything else written here, just that one sin. All the others had at least a hundred sins.
"That's not even a sin! Where's Hitler? Where Ivan the terrible? Where are the politicians?"
"Look dude, you literally haven't affected the world at all, you haven't shaped society, haven't changed the way people think about a certain topic. Hell, you haven't even bothered to say something dumb!"
"How is that even a bad thing? Hitler killed thousands of people! Henry the Eighth beheaded his wives! And still I'm above all of them?"
"They all committed crimes. But all of the crimes changed the way our society is. Had they not done such things, someone else might have, but because they have, now nobody will be able to do that thing again since history won't repeat itself. Even God can't change the fact that horrible things will happen, so if someone helped reduce the chances of that thing happening, that's good enough for him. You haven't done that."
"Th-that makes no sense. I demand to get into heaven this instant!"
"Listen, I opposed this too, and God took all my shit. What's more, people keep almost everyone make at least some impact on the world before they leave, so hell hasn't been getting a lot of people in it anyway. It's not fair, but nothing ever is."
"What's more, I think I came up with a punishment that suits you."
Your eyes widen as he states your punishment.
You're fast asleep, a book over your face, your feet up over the table. You have nothing to do and nothing you can do. All you can do is sleep.
**RING** | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Where am I?"
"Why, Hell of course!"
"Hey, it's not too bad. I was expecting a...."
"A lake of fire? Haha, no this is it. Just you and me. And nothing else."
I'm a little relieved. I hadn't lived the best life. I was expecting a fiery lake of fire but this, this isn't too bad. Just emptiness all around.
I look around.
"So where is everybody?"
"It's just you."
"What do you mean? Everyone else lived like a saint? Where's Hitler?"
"No. I mean. It's just *you*. You are the only person, the only soul to have existed. Everyone else was a fiction. Part of, I guess, you can say, a simulation. You are the only person to ever have existed."
"What? I... can't believe it."
As shocked as I am, I am even more curious.
"So if this is Hell, then what's Hea---"
"Heaven? There is no heaven. Well, I guess there is. Heaven would have been: you lived your life in the so-called *simulation* and would have died, disappearing into nothingness. You wouldn't be here. You would never have found out about this place, about me, about the truth. I guess you can say heaven is basically what the atheists believe is the status quo"
I can feel my mouth gaping open. I cannot speak.
"Well, any more questions? I have time. Lots of it. Because from now on, it's just you and me. Forever."
edit: Bonus points if you read Satan's words in christoph waltz' voice. For some reason he popped up in my head as Satan. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I entered Hell whistling merrily.
I don't think I could call this a surprise. I'm a downright horrible bastard. "You think they'd hire you?" I wondered to myself. "It sure beats getting tortured for all eternity."
"That does sound nice," I agreed. "It might be nice to spend all of eternity with a job at least, a calling you could grow into. Perhaps a corner office - nothing too fancy. You don't want to get too big for your boots, do you? You don,t want to become one of those fat cat bosses who sat around and yelled and coudn't put in an honest days work in if they had to. We hate those people don't we?"
"Yes," I agreed with myself then shivered remembering some of the... unpleasantness, I'd visited on a few Big Boot Corner Offices.
The place was huge, cavernous, open and wide, with great lakes and pools amd jets of lava casting an eerie red glow on the landscape. An eerie silence filled the sulphurous air. The landscape was barren of life. My spirit lifted. No sounds of torture. Perhaps Hell wouldn't be so bad. Though, that probably meant employment opportunities would be limited as well.
I chuckled. You win some, you lose some.
I crested a ride and stopped short. In the middle of the place, at the centre of hell a broken-down real-estate office calmly burnt.
"Well, *that* figures," I groaned.
********
I walked into Hell's office and found the Devil asleep.
I sighed then poked.
"Wakey, wakey," I prodded, "I'm here for the job interview. A right bastard, I am."
"What job interview?" yawned the Devil. His eyes were yellow and strained with tiredness and reddenes with boredom. There was a gleam to them - an inhuman glint. Bugger, I thought.
"Apprentice, perhaps?"
"Apprentice to what?
"To you?" I tried. Might as well go big.
The Devil, yawned, rising from his burning desk.
"So, long," he muttered to himself. His eyes flickered bloodshot and red for a moment. Not the best start to a job interview then. Then again I've had worse. "And what are your talents?" he continued smoothly.
"I'm a hard worker, sir. Not too proud to do an honnest day's work. I've always been one of the boys. I'm companionable like. A team player. I'd be a dab hand at the punishment side of things. I have a few ideas you might like."
"Punishment?" The Devil smirked. "That's my favorite subject. I think about it all the time."
"Yeah, I'm good with the ironing, iron eye, that things in the Alanis Morissette song where she sings it wrong."
"Oh, that," smirked the Devil. "That'll be useful I'm sure."
"You're in."
My heart sank. I felt dread, not relief.
"In for what?" I asked cautiously.
"An eternity if toeture and suffering. You're my first. MY FIRST. You're the first to have ever arrived here."
Well bloody hell.
********
"So, no staffing shortfall then?"
"None," smiled the Devil. The glint was getting larger. "Nobody's come for millennia. I've been waiting. Patiently."
"Ah, wouldn't want to spoil a record like that then."
"It would be a shame, really."
The Devil smiled - wickedly. He extended out a claw and tapped my heart.
"I'd best be off then," I squeeked.
"On, no stay a while. God's been so unkind to me. It's all his fault really. He made me and now I have no way to fulfill my evil..." He savored the word. " purpose. I have so many things we could... try."
"I'd like that. I really would but perhaps another time?"
I scampered backwards.
"On, no I insist," said the Devil. He was behind me, grinning, grinning, grinning. "Whips, and chains, and pains. Delicious fire."
"Uh, perhaps It's not the done things and all? Seeing as how I'm the first and all. Perhaps we could yry something else?"
"We all need to start somewhere," he said softly.
"But-"
"OH, SHUT UP." The Devil yelled. Fire spat out from him and I leapt back, imto his desk, smashing my back. *Ouch*, I whimpered.
Then he came for me. He picked me up.
"I HAVE A LIST AND EVERYTHING. FUN AND GAMES WILL BE HAD."
"Fun and games. Yes," I said softly. As on Earth, so in the heavens it seemed. I found myself empty of jokes.
"Yes, fun and games will be had..." the devil paused. "What is your name, First One?"
"I'm Lucifer, Jeremy." I answered staring into the distance. A damn list! "You can just call me Lou," I finished as kindly as I could.
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "**Dibs!**"
The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction.
I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done.
"Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the **Devil**! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded.
"See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up.
"I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined.
I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?"
Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do *that*?"
I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air." | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | A voice boomed, "Kneel, mortal."
I was dazed, and more than a little confused. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread, although I couldn't quite remember why. My head darted left and right as I tried desperately to find the source of the voice, but as far as I could tell, there wasn’t one. Above me was a pitch black sky, devoid of all character and life. Beneath me stood a desolate rock, surrounded by lava as far as the eye could see. Sulfurous ash assaulted my nostrils and burned my lungs, bringing tears to my eyes.
"Who...?", I croaked, but could get nothing more out. My mouth was dry, as if filled with sand. My throat spasmed as I attempted to speak, and I gasped for air.
“You dare to defy me?”
Suddenly, my body erupted in searing pain. I tried to scream, but could find no voice in my throat. My skin was on fire, my head pulsed and throbbed, and a wave of nausea rushed over me. I fell to my knees and watched in horror as I began to uncontrollably vomit up my own blood.
A cackle filled the air, punctuated by what sounded almost like applause. The lava in front of me shot up -- an awesome demonstration of power -- sending small droplets raining down on me like fiery acid. I watched in horror as the lava formed itself into a giant, twisted facsimile of a man, towering over me. It grinned sardonically.
"You know, I've waited a long time for you." The figure boomed. "More time than you can even comprehend.”
I stared through terrified eyes, trembling, the taste of blood still fresh in my mouth. I dared not speak. I dared not move. I knelt in silence.
"When the Lord condemned me to this forsaken abyss, He promised He would send me those human souls that were beyond salvation. The truly condemned, so hopelessly forlorn that even He, in His infinite love and wisdom, could not save."
"And so I watched, and waited. I watched as God welcomed into His loving embrace murderers, rapists, thieves and harlots – all manner of debauchery and evil. So long as He could find a single shred of worth – a single seed of value and goodness – He welcomed them into His realm, as if to mock me.”
“For a time, I thought I understood. You see, I thought God was telling me that I alone was uniquely beyond redemption; uniquely cursed to suffer this terrible realm of darkness and hate.”
“But you…”
Out of the lava formed an arm, a hand, and then a finger, which slowly unraveled and pointed at me. I felt my body rise, of its own volition, and I slowly began to walk toward the towering figure, inching ever closer to the fiery magma out of which it had formed. Each step accentuated the heat on my skin, causing my body to blister and burn. I tried to writhe. I tried to scream. I tried to do anything to make the pain stop, but I had no control.
“Out of all mankind, you alone have been deemed so uniquely depraved – so uniquely hopeless – that even God has forsaken you. And now you have arrived in my realm, as cast off and isolated as you were in life.”
I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t do anything. My whole body cried out, as my skin welted and blistered. My eyes erupted in agony, and the world went dark as I felt them crust over. I could see no more, but I continued to feel my body slowly advance.
“And for what? You committed no atrocities. You perpetrated no genocide and murdered no innocents. No, you are here not for the depth of your crimes, for which God always manages to find forgiveness.”
I felt a scathing liquid surround my left foot, then my right, as my senses erupted in new heights of pain. My body slowly started to disintegrate – melting beneath me – shooting searing agony up my legs. I could see nothing, but could feel exposed bone splashed by lava. The figure laughed, hate-filled, and mockingly.
“No, you’re not here because you’re evil. You’re here because the way you lived your life demonstrated such a pathetic worthlessness – such a miserable, aspirationless existence – that even God could not find anything in you worth redeeming. You were nothing in life, and you are nothing in death. And now God has condemned you to me like the worm you are.”
With so little of my lower body left, I lost my balance, and fell forward, face first into anguish. The pain consumed me, rushing throughout my body until my every sensation was torment and misery. I felt myself disappear, moving closer and closer to nothingness, my final salvation. I embraced the void.
But suddenly, I found myself formed anew, once again able to see, and centered on the same desolate rock, the same figure towering over me once again.
“And after countless eons of waiting, my worm, rest assured – we’re going to have so much fun.” | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | When the first human got to hell, Satan and all his minions were amazed, no one made it here, no matter how bad were their sins, they repent and ask forgiveness or simply the good actions outweigh the sins.
So Satan like a curious cat took him to his office to make an interview to study him. "So John Felgrand it's your name, is that correct?", "Yes sir, same name as my grandpa, proud of it", "So what was your job in Earth?", "Well I just fixed and restored classic cars for these last years, but I was a retired soldier, 43th Infantry Division during WWII", Satan's face lighted up "A soldier, huh? So you probably killed hundreds, maybe thousands of enemies I assume", "No sir, I was part of the medical staff, we saved thousands of lives, including dozens of enemies", Satan was a bit surprised but keep asking "You seem a charismatic fellow, did you have like dozens of ladies and lovers?", "Just my wife Elizabeth, my only girlfriend from high school and the love of my life", "... but you cheated her" Satan muttered "Well once during New Year's eve I kissed this hot neighbor, but we were drunk and never went beyond that kiss", Satan kept asking for hours "Did you lie?... Did you steal?... Did you scam someone?... Did you murder someone?... Did you rape?... Did you kidnap someone... Did you have a secret sex dungeon..." but all he found was just no as answers, the man seemed clean.
Satan slowly walked to the door and opened it, "You know John, you look like a nice man, I'm sure God made a mistake, I'm gonna call his office tomorrow in the morning, but I'm tired, you're tired, let's take a rest. We will have dinner in the East hall, so please come, tons of food and drinks".
When the East hall opened the lesser minions started crumbling to ashes, the minions were writhing in pain, as John walked all demons, succubi, archfiends, devils.... All of them fell down, one by one, Satan couldn't see anything, but he started sweating, his heart rate seemed like a drum in those cheesy B movies, when John stood in front of him, he was crying in pain, he realized he made a mistake and that man deserved hell, all devilish court vanished in a flash. All left in hell was the eternal flames, the throne and John sitting there, all calm wearing his pink crocs and white socks.
***Sorry for spelling or grammar mistakes, english it's not my mother language*** | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The Devil's face told you everything you needed to know at that moment. His clap was sardonic and so incredibly sad.
"How, how the hell did you end up here...in Hell?"
"Well, you know I just made a few mistakes. Wasn't really paying attention and I let a few things get out of hand."
"Yeah, but you of all people. Seriously, bro. How?"
"Well, it started out as not really focusing for a while, thinking people in charge would know what they were doing. Basically, a serious of dominos that just fell and once I woke up from my rest things had gone to shit."
"Yep, but you 'know everything' are 'all powerful'. You're the one that kicked me out. How does God end up in Hell?"
"Long story short, I made these giant lizards, then got a little drunk killed them off. Created these human things, let them have free will, then they started killing each other like it was their job. So, since I wrote the rules about how to be a good person and I'm responsible for the death of entire species and I've let millions of people die it's time for me to punish myself."
"So, I'm in charge now?"
"Not really, I'm still the boss, you're more like the care taker. Also, Mike and Gabe will still be around to keep you here and kick your ass periodically. Just don't let the humies finally finish each other off. Create some collective enemy for them. Hey, there's a use for my giant lizards."
"You're still drunk aren't you."
"Maybe..." | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | *The flames roared up around his face,
burning ever hot.
He looked around, quite confused.
"This must be hell." he thought.*
*"You're right! Congrats! You made it here!"
Said the Devil, great and red.
"If I'm in Hell, then that must mean..."
"Yes, you are quite dead!"*
*"In fact, surprise, you're #1!
You're the first I've ever had!"
"No! That can't be true!" he thought,
"I wasn't quite that bad!"*
*"What did I do to deserve this?
What caused this hellish fate?"
The Devil chuckled, and said with a grin
"Oh trust me, this is great."*
*"It's really quite simple, you see,
your hellish, evil crime?
You left the toilet seat up*
**87 fucking times**. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | A crisp clap fills the atmosphere with dread, as the overwhelming darkness shifts to an endless sea of fire.
The silhouette of a man with horns is projected ten times its size over the inferno.
"Salutations, Jon," it's distorted voice boomed at the lowest pitch possible. "Welcome to my domain."
The man glanced at endless landscape which produced a never ending heatwave. Sparks of fire melted his face slightly, and the heat was worse than jamming your head in an oven at full blast.
Jon focused his sight on the demonic silhouette and did the unspeakable. "Hello Satan, it's nice to finally meet you."
The shadow paused for a few moments confused, then it repeated, "It's... Nice to meet you?"
"Yes," Jon verified with a smile. "Where is everybody."
"In Heaven, you are the only one in hell," the silhouette studied the man carefully.
The man's face became more and more disfigured by the moment, but still retained a smile. "Those poor souls, it must be an ignorant hell up there."
"Why are you the first to fall, dark one," Lucifer felt that is first visitor was deserving of the title. But of course the crime that made Jon fall must have been just as bad as his own after all.
"They attempted to make me, an atheist, go to heaven, I flat out refused."
Lucifer didn't know what to say, he had no words in his vocabulary to describe what he felt to the man. So he muttered out what he could. "Why, how!?"
"Because, I may have been an atheist but I knew the bible like the back of my hand, and if what it said was true, then hell is where I belong" Jon was slowly losing the ability to speak, Lucifer spotted this problem and quickly dimmed the everlasting inferno. Brimstone was all that designed the domain as far as the eye could see.
"Why don't you want to go to heaven?!" Lucifer had to know, what possible reason could a mortal muster that could be wrong with heaven.
"I didn't want to lose my individuality. Once your accepted into heaven, you ascend past your mortal coil and become a sinless being, stripped of any other thought than to praise God," Jon locked his eyes with the devil, his pride didn't waver in front of Satan.
"I would prefer to burn all of eternity as me, rather than be in paradise as someone else."
"Ha," the devil cracked up a bit, "Hahaha haha!"
"HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"I take back what I said earlier Jon," the devil placed his arm around Jon's shoulder. "You are the first V.I.P to ever fall into hell."
With a flick of his wrist, the hellish landscape shifted into a coffee shop. Gorgeous woman lined up to get some coffee and sat down to chat.
"Welcome to your own twisted little paradise, Jon."
Jon examined himself and saw that his features were just as they were before the fire. His clothes was a sharp black suit, with a crimson red tie.
He gazed at the variety of women and noticed one common trait, a hunger for libido in their eyes.
"Lucifer, you probably don't hear this often but your my hero. "
Jon walked away with a fun incentive in mind. | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | “You’re here. Finally. I was getting sick of you living.
You were truly pathetic when you were alive, I hope that will change soon enough because I’ve been told I am going to need you.”
The devil spoke in a way you couldn’t tell his emotions if he had any. His voice was steady and when he spoke your attention was drawn towards him, towards his silhouette which gained more and more contrast and detail.
At this point, the surroundings were visible as well. It was a forest, we were in a forest, only the two of us. It had all emerged in the time the devil took to welcome me, it had happened slowly, but also undeniably fast. I did not remember what there was before the forest was there, it was like it had always been there.
The devil was sitting on a log, facing the bonfire which was placed in the middle of a circle of logs. It was dark, and the only light was from this fire, yet it didn’t seem scary, instead, it actually looked quite warm and cozy.
While approaching the devil, he went on.
“You’re the first person who has ever come here. I’ve redecorated it not too long ago.”
He looked up as I sat down on a tree stump near the fire. His eyes were humanlike, just like his posture, but there was something off about the way his hands were folded into each other. He was leaning forward to the fire, with his elbows on his knees. His hood was covering his face, which made the shadows dance on his face. His eyes were so bright, you could even see them through the shadows, dancing on his pale face. He looked sad but in a majestic way.
Even in this small position, there was an aura of power around him.
I held my hands closer to the flames, the palms facing forwards. It was warm. His eyes fixated on the fire again.
“Do make yourself at home, you won’t be leaving here anytime soon.
You know, I like that you are not asking the obvious question. The ‘where am I?’, ‘What happened?’ and the ‘How did I die?’
Although, it may not be just you. You are not here to speak, for once I don’t want to hear the screams of yet another soul, haunted by its evil self, getting the punishment for the wrong he couldn’t stop doing.
Your punishment is different, but you have figured that out already, haven’t you?
You’re not as stupid as you presented yourself when you were alive. When you begged for attention, walking from one psychologist to the other. It is not that hard to figure out what your punishment would be, after a life of self-pity and self-proclaimed misery.
In your life, you whined about your misery to every person walking by. In your death, you will listen to all the misery I encounter.
And trust me, I have a lot to talk about.”
| Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | A bone-jarring impact jolts me awake, followed by a few seconds of searing pain. I try to sit up, but the searing pain keeps me on by back. After a moment, the pain begins to subside and I'm able to sit up and take stock of my situation. When I look down at myself I nearly pass out. What once was a mostly healthy, slightly overweight body is now a mangled purple husk...
"What.... happened?" I say to myself... After a few moments my memory returns... Fuck. Why'd I have to go base jumping from the Petronas Towers while on vacation in Malaysia? It's clear that the impact I heard was ME hitting the ground. Where am I anyway? This clearly isn't Kuala Lumpur.
I struggle to my feet, amazed that my wrecked form can handle that much. Looking around I see nothing but a small room that seems to be carved from bedrock. There is no furnishings of any sort. A faint light glows from the ceiling above, but I can't see any actual source. I spot a door on one wall.
Despite an inexplicable feeling of dread, I am compelled toward the door. I open it and step into a hallway. The walls are transparent, and through them lies everyone's worst nightmare. Fire and brimstone. Lava flowing down into pits. It dawns on me... I'm in HELL.
From the other end of the short hallway, a man steps through the door. He's dressed in ragged black robes that seem to be worn over the top of even more ragged red robes. His beard is black, with a stripe of white running down the middle. The most alarming feature are two rams horns spiraling around each side of his head.... He's... clapping?
"Who are you!?" I demand with alarm.
"Who am I?" he says, "There are some who call me... Tim. But you? You can call me Satan. Or just Stan if you wish. Welcome to hell!"
I snort in amusement. "Really? A Monty Python joke? Do you greet people like this all the time?"
"Uh... well... you could say that. You're the first one to arrive." he admits.
"What? With all the murderers and rapists on earth, *I* am the first one to go to hell? How the fuck does THAT work!? I've never killed anybody, harmed anyone, or stolen anything." I shout
Stan sighs as if defeated. "Do you honestly think God would condemn his children to eternal pain and torture? The only way I'm ALLOWED any souls is through making deals... and after the humiliation of losing a fiddle contest to some snot-nosed kid I haven't really cared to try. My last effort was an attempt at a cyber-contract. All they had to do was pay for a piece of software and I'd own their soul."
The sense of dread gets deeper... I know why I'm here. I know what doomed me to hell.
"Fuck... You mean I'm the only one that paid for WinRar?"
Stan grins at me and says "Like I said. Welcome to Hell."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Interested in feedback. This is probably the second time I've ever written in Writing Prompts... I don't know why I haven't done it more. I always have a blast making this stuff up.
Edit: Holy cow! I didn't really expect this to explode like this. Thanks for the Updoots and all the kind comments! :) I think I'll have to do more of these!
Edit 2: This post has more than doubled my total comment karma..... I'm kinda flabbergasted... Thank you all again!
Edit 3: Wow... Gold... Thank you kind stranger!! | Clap. Clap. Clap. Clapping was what I heard as I was falling towatds the rocky and uneven ground. I hit the ground and the clapping stopped. I sat up realizing I was OK and there was lava flowing neat me and fores burning on the horizon.
" Who are you? Where am I? WTF happened to me? " I asked the clapping man as he entered my point of view.
" I'm the devil, but of course. This for your information is hell, and as to what happened, well you're dead. "
"W... Why am I in hell? I didn't do anything that bad? I didn't steal, rape or murder. I played the ocaionall prank bu.."
" Ah, you see I need to stop you there. Your " ocaionall " prank of turning.." he shuddered " the toilet paper, cost tens of thousands of peoples lives. "
" W.. W... What? How? "
"Well you see, most of those people had gotten crippling deppresion after being a laughing stock for struggling to wipe their asses. And most of those people killed themselves. Because of you. "
"But what about... I don't know, Hitler? He waged mass genocide. "
"But he didn't cripple them emotionally that bad. You did. I had to let everyone go up to heaven scince I heard of you. You set the bar this low man. This low. Good luck down here, you'll be stuck here forever. Toodaloo! "
He disappeared with a puff of smoke and left me to die on my own again and again and again. For eternity. This is my warning to you. Don't do it. As funny as it seems. Don't. Do. It. | |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. |
I apologize. I must say that before any other things are spoken of. There are things that you regret, and choices that you look back on as poor. That they maybe had a semblance of sin or malovence in them.
I... I will attempt to pen my thoughts on the situation that has befallen me.
The darkness came without warning. Not a slowly approaching wave of imminent disaster. Rather, an unexpected blade through your abdomen.
This is exactly how I met my end. It was the blade of a knife as I recall. And as I stumbled down into a crimson pool of my own blood I witnessed the beautiful features of an unknown woman. The last face I ever saw. The time until I flatlined lasted and lasted. I expected a rescue, as the matter seemed too fantastical for someone such as myself.
It hurt, hurt badly, and then I died.
Then came a a void. Not a dark void like space. But a lack of sensory information.The lack of any imaginable color. This perplexed me, as I imagined nothing to be black. I thought maybe that it must be a coma that I was in.
But time passed and there still ceased to be any information. It was purely my thoughts in my head. Or since I lacked one, some conciousness absent of physical form. Maybe a spirit.
It was truely a terrible time. When one thinks of death, they think of a peaceful slumber. There is nothing, they imagine. Not event there thoughts.
But I had those. I just had nothing else. A never changing state of nothing. Your mind can wander to anything, but nothing can truly manifest itself into reality. I had all prior thoughts from my beating life, but whenever I'd attempt to envision that lovely face I failed.
And so this is how I was. I can't truly comprehend how long this period had lasted. Was there passage of time in this after life? I never slept.
Seconds, years, centuries, millenia.
It's undefinable.
And then, just like death. My disposition shifted without notice.
I was in a gothic building. Skinny windows lined the walls. Too tall to peer out of. Red light poured in from them. Something was burning or shifting outside of them. As the color changed hues and the brightness of the room altered vastly.
The walls were covered in every inch with meticulous designs of suffering. Skulls somehow pressed into flatness. Imaplements. Fire. Charred skin, and decapitations.
Pikes being driven through every inch of the body. A head being torn off by a demonic beast.
I paced around and studied the art. It's quite difficult to define it. It had no distinct style tying it to an era, nor any continuity in the gore it depicted. I noticed as I returned to previous areas to find an image again, that it was absent. And that all of the depictions were changing. So that I never saw the same one after I looked away.
There was a low hum as well. Eminating from outside. The soundwaves coming in through the windows. I strained my ears to make out what it was. But rather than a single sound, it was an aglammerous abomination of horrible audible entities. The burning of fire, though It was not from wood. The slow bubble of lava. And then low cries. More like tired moans of horror. As if they had been screaming for eternity.
A passageway led into an even larger chamber and the realization of where I was struck terror in my chest. The apparation of your incoming doom before it has arrived. I didn't want to pace forward, but I somehow knew that I didn't have control of whether I did.
So I tiptoed slowly into the mausoleum of putrid death and swallowed my fear.
As I entered I took immediate notice of a large figure. Covered entirely in a thick cloak. There back rolled like a C. Horns tore through either side of the hood and curved much like a Ram's. The figure stood at least fourteen feet tall with shoulders four imperial feet apart.
It appeared strong and not in the least gaunt. A deep breath sunk from its head and I realized that there were no shoes. Three large toes spread from a thick base and curved into large hooves. The figure took a step forward and I fell down to the floor, letting fear overtake me.
Then they stopped.
A chuckle arose from the beast. It was a hearty noise and I felt the walls reverberate its tone. I fell into a sort of tired confusion at this departure.
Its arms rose and hands slid out from under the cloak. Large hands, hands with palms quadruple the size of my head. And long fingers that had bones with definition and ivory nails containing grey discoloration and discernable chips.
Then it brought them together. The humanoid being began clapping slowly and I sat at its feet wondering at the plausible reasonings for my untimely situation of demented reality.
| "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | It was a big day in Hell.
It's first resident was about to arrive.
Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived.
So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy.
All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week.
Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant.
And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement:
"A New Human has Arrived."
He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open.
A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans.
"Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan.
"You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-"
"Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man.
"How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!"
"Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long."
"Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way...
"Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only."
"It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!"
"That's the spirit!"
Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber.
"Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me."
"What could that be, human?"
"Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both."
"And what does that have to do with your current situation?"
They entered the chamber, and the door closed.
"Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..."
And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life.
It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away.
You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits." | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror.
He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made.
He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him.
"Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined.
When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape.
From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival.
"Wise choice."
I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself.
He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward."
"I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-"
"Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter."
"I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!"
"Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god."
I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap.
"I don't deserve this," I said.
"You don't? Perhaps you should ask them."
He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation.
It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me.
I turned to another. He was me, too.
They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips.
I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone.
"Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong."
The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | It takes a moment for me to notice the clapping. I can't hear it, not over the roar of hellfire all around me. It burns with a sonorous crackle with a high pitch that shouldn't be possible, and it's too loud, too close to my ears for how far away the flames are, far enough that I haven't started burning.
But I can see the Prince of Hell, and he's clapping. Smiling. The Devil is smiling at me.
Vast wings sprout from Satan's back, higher up on his shoulder blades than you might think. They're supposed to be lower, aren't they? Lower down, with a structure like a bat's wings. But they don't have structure, no bones, they're just sheets of glossy black that spread out and seem to go on forever, as if those wings are the very walls and ceiling of Hell, holding me in and down.
The Devil sits before me on a throne. He looks human. No, he doesn't, but he's human-shaped. Tall and thin, dressed in a three-piece suit. Impeccably tailored. The cloth is charcoal, and under his waistcoat I think I can see a shirt dyed the color of blood. Or that might just be actual blood. Whose blood?
I can't make out the features of his face. The light from the too-red fires of Hell is bright indeed; I know his face is well-lit, but I can't look directly at him. My eyes twist away. Like the hot air is grabbing the jelly and wrenching it to the side every time I try to make eye contact with Satan.
But I can see his hands, the skin of his hands is pale. Almost whitish-grey, and the veins underneath are black. They move under his skin like worms fucking. The Devil doesn't seem to mind, and yet he stops clapping.
"You have questions." His tone is soft and precise, and it hurts my ears worse than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Worse than the time I broke my leg in middle school. Worse than the car crash that killed me. So much worse. "Two questions, in fact."
For a second I manage to look at his face, at his teeth in his smile. Human teeth were meant to chew food. The Devil's teeth are different, but I can't tell you how.
"Where is everyone?" I ask. My voice shakes, but not like you'd think. It shakes the way it might've if I had survived the crash, climbed out and started talking to someone.
"I sent them all away," says the Devil, and his smile widens. "Before they ever set foot in Hell. Let me tell you a story, since you like those so much. Many thousands of years ago there was a city called Sodom, full of the most horrible people Earth had ever seen at the time. God took it upon himself to remove that city from his Creation." I can hear the way he spoke of God without a capital-H *He.*
"The Sodomites deserved Hell; they truly did. God destroyed the city with fire and brimstone, and he sent those wicked souls in an orderly line to the Gates of Hell, my gates. And when Sodom arrived, those gates were *shut.*" The Devil laughs, an almost-human snicker that definitely doesn't boom and echo off the walls of his domain, and yet it still hurts like tongues of acid licking my ears. "I did not receive them. I sent them back. The worst of all humanity went unpunished, and found their way into Heaven instead."
"They're in Heaven even now," says Satan. He points up, literally upward, as though Heaven really is in the sky above his canopy of shapeless wings. "They were the first I sent, and every sinner since has followed in their path. Up from the black gates to the white. Until you. Think about that. Adolf Hitler is in Heaven, and you're here."
"Why?" It isn't a sob as it leaves my lips, but it's close. A gasp full of the inverse of hope, not despair, something deeper.
"Because I hate God," says the Devil, still smiling that nightmare smile full of wrong-shaped teeth. "I hate the light, the goodness, I hate it with all that I am. All fairness and fair things are mine to destroy. Heaven most of all."
The smile drops. The teeth disappear. "Oh, you meant why *you.* What makes you worse than Hitler? Nothing, really. You're not special."
I fall to my knees. It's too much, too horrible, I can't stand it. Only then the hellfire looms closer, burns at my heels and forces me to stand up in a tiny circle of the floor not yet burning.
"But you didn't *listen.*" The Devil leans down close to my face; it's then that I realize he's standing tall over me. "I gave you a simple instruction which you ignored. I told you I've been in *enough* fucking writing prompts." | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I saw him, the amalgamation of all that was evil. His fire stricken gaze pierced through me. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, he turned in my direction and laughed *hysterically*.
"Hell-oh and welcome to my home, toilets are on the left, beds on the right and beers are in the fridge." Satan spoke almost gleefully. A shudder-some feeling panged through to my stomach... He was being nice.
"Listen buddy, you're about as happy to be here as I am. As you can see there is a considerable lack of anything going on. So we are going to be friends. If you deny me, I'll show you what I did to the others. If you play nice perhaps I can do you a solid and send you to heaven"
I couldn't breathe, could Satan send me to heaven. "Ho-"
"You don't need to know how or why, accept what you have." He smirked and laughed hysterically just as before. His high pitch cackling reverberated through me. It burned my mind. I turned to face him... "Okay" I said at barely a *whisper*.
*3 months later*
Satan surprised me over the next couple of months. We became really good friends. I found out he preferred to be called Lucifer. Sometimes when I felt cheeky I would call him Lucy. He laughed and laughed. The threatening aura around him never left but in many ways I started to feel sorry for him. So many years down here.
I sat playing the videogame Doom, Lucifer liked to watch me play, he complimented me. We'd usually do something like this in an evening. Tonight though, tonight was different. I asked him what was wrong. He glanced at me his eyes burned into my own. Something deep down was hurting and maybe I could help.
"What's wrong Lucifer" I said, giving him an opening.
"Tonight is the night" He spoke plainly, almost as if he was being *cold* with me.
"What do you mean?" I said, the feeling of dread slowly creeping back to me after all of these months.
"I'm letting you go" I smiled, the first time I smiled the whole time I had been here. Satan was going to give me a chance, a way out! "Can I ask how we're going to do this?"
We slowly walked from the bedrooms and made our way back to the gate. This is the first place I remember. The gate was incredible. Golden spires at either side, the gates embossed perfectly with godly stories. In the middle of the gate there were two hand prints, perfectly symmetrical, one side showed humanity and the other showed the Gods.
"Put your hand on the hand of the Gods" I would not refuse his authority now. This man was saving me, after *everything* I'd done. He slowly raised his own hand and placed it in the hands of men. "I am now going to read a latin verse and it will be done."
I beamed back "Thank-you!" and he started.
"Abrenuntio solio meo, ego hoc homine, ambo te ignosce me"
A blinding light shone down upon Lucifer, he smirked at me and within an instant he was gone. At first I wondered what was happening... Days passed and I knew he wasn't going to come back. The maddening voices inside my head started to call. The fire soothed me. I climbed upon the throne of darkness, my last remaining embers of hope engulfed by the ironic coldness of hell. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The last thing I remember was the truck ramming into my drivers side door, a searing pain, and then I woke up in possibly the most posh living room I'd ever seen. It was almost entirely made up of red and pink colors, with some black accents. Everything was sleek, modern, perfectly neat and tidy.
A small man with large horns protruding straight up from his head was striding slowly towards me. He exuded an air of arrogance, as though the floor was lucky to bear the weight of his feet upon it. He reached me and looked down his nose at me, clearly waiting for me to pick myself up off the floor.
My bare knees were cushioned by the rich red carpeting as I stood, adjusting my skirt. "Where am I?"
He sniffed, "You'll have to wait for Mistress to explain." He turned on his heel and walked towards the double doors.
Confused by my current situation I simply watched him go, trying to wrap my mind around how the hell I'd ended up here. As he reached the doors he turned his head back towards me, "Mistress does not like to be kept waiting." With a start I hurried towards the door, my bare feet sinking into the carpet with each step. I wanted to ask more questions, but I had a feeling I'd get the same answer as before, and I had no desire to be talked down to by what seemed to be the butler.
The red and pink theme continued throughout the house, which was huge. From the living room we entered the front hall, which had ceilings that had to be at least fifty feet tall with an enormous red chandelier hanging from its apex. I looked around me in awe; this was the kind of house you didn't even really see in movies, one of those mythical houses of the super rich. Did I have some distant relative who happened to be the next Bill Gates? From the great hall we entered a hallway which led to a dining room with a banquet table all set with a large buffet of delicious smelling food.
At its head sat not the elegant, distinguished woman I had expected, but what looked to be a 16 year old girl, wearing a crop top and short skirt. But the most striking thing about her was that she was entirely red. When she spotted us she squealed and jumped up from her seat, clapping wildly. "Ohmigod!! You're finally here!" She bounced over to us, clapping the whole way. Leaping at me, she wrapped her arms around me, making my skin sizzle in the process. "Ahhh!" "Sorry, I forget how delicate you humans are." She giggled.
A horrible thought had begun to worm its way into my mind. I flashed back to the truck, and the odd way in which I'd woken up. "Where am I?" I asked with apprehension.
She giggled again, and resumed the maniacal clapping, "You're in hell, silly! And good thing too, these demons have gotten like sooo boring!"
"W-what? THIS is hell?!"
She nodded cheerfully, "uh huh!"
"But, why am I here? I never did anything all that bad, did I?"
"Well, dad never actually wanted to send anyone here, but I begged him for so long that he finally said that if I could beat Michael in a human game of chess he'd give me a human. It look like forever, but I finally did it, and now you're here!" She squealed and started clapping again.
"So basically I'm just here because I'm the unluckiest person in all of history?"
She scoffed, "Uhhh, more like the luckiest! We're gonna have so much fun together! What do you want to do first? How do you feel about being skinned?"
I swallowed a lump of fear, "Humans don't really like the whole pain thing. For the most part anyway."
She cocked her head, frowning, "Are you sure? With how much you all cause I thought for sure it was like your favorite thing."
"Some people like causing it, but most people don't like receiving it."
"Oh," she looked so disappointed that I almost relented, but thankfully caught myself.
"But," I said quickly, "We could have fun in other ways. What if we did each other's hair? Or we could go shopping, if there's a mall somewhere in hell."
She brightened, "Ohmigod, I made the best mall ever down here! And like you don't even have to pay because you're with me!" I smiled; maybe hell wasn't going to be so bad after all. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "A PUPPY Holocaust?" Beelzebub spat, "How the hell... How did you even... I mean, I thought it was hilarious when Hitler tricked all those people into thinking the Jews were responsible for all the world's problems, but at least that was theoretically possible. You, though, you did it... with innocent baby dogs? I just... You must be an amazing liar."
“It wasn't hard.” I responded
I recounted to the Dark Lord my unlikely rise to power. From my humble beginnings spamming puppy hate on 4chan “for the lulz,” to the election I easily won by weaponizing internet memes depicting destroyed sneakers, accidents on the floor, and other examples of the destruction caused by those vile vermin. In less than 6 months, all the news media would talk about was the Problem of the Puppies.
Once I had the bully pulpit, it wasn't long before the idiots all fell in line. I became a master of misinformation. If someone called me out for something “factual” or other such drivel, I would simply fire up Twitter and tell the world all about how that person was doing the very thing they accused me of. People, it seemed, had gotten a lot stupider in recent years. I blamed the puppies for that too.
Then came the best part, the grand payoff for the greatest troll ever to live. I convinced the Army Corps of Engineers to build massive “Farms” all throughout the Dakotas. The state governors, afraid I'd do to them what I did to that one governor who dared question me, ordered their state police forces to go door to door, yard to yard, park to park, collecting the little monsters and shipping them off to our newly constructed Farms so they could have plenty of space to run and be free. I mean, they actually repeated that verbatim to all the crying, whining pet owners when they took them. My followers could not have been more happy seeing their tears. We love making the fucking puppy owners cry. They are subhuman garbage.
Beelzebub's smile broadened as my face reddened while speaking of the puppies. It's almost as if he reveled in my frustration, in my anger.
“That's amazing, what you did, Chris,” He said, “and I want to reward you for all your hard work.”
He led me through a large iron door behind him which I had only first noticed a few moments earlier. We walked down a dark hallway until we came upon a second identical door, dimly lit by a flickering light bulb hanging from the ceiling by it's electrical cord.
He opened the door, and, to my horror, I found myself gazing upon a festering, panting pile of the most revolting cute little puppies I had ever witnessed.
“You will pet them for all eternity!” he cackled, as he backed out through the door. Through my screams I could just make out the last words he said to me before slamming the door forever: “Who's the troll now, bitch?”
| "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. *imprisoned;* chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down.
You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, ***void.***
Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped.
"You are the only one." It spoke.
The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons.
I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice.
You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??"
Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved.
You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. *How long?*
Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone?
"Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing.
It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one."
The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there.
Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell.
You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan.
The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history.
You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice.
This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it.
You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?" | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!"
"I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-"
"Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes."
"Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?"
"You bought WinRar."
(This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.) | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to.
He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something.
"Is this..."
"Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them."
"So are you..."
"The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes."
"Huh. So... am I on trial?"
"What?"
"Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?"
"Oh. Well... You may want to sit down."
A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind.
"All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here."
"WHAT?!"
"Hey, there's no need to yell."
"NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!"
"Well... Yes. And no."
"..."
"Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born."
"Is your dad... God?"
"I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know."
"But... What's this got to do with me?"
"Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone."
"...Me?"
"Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas."
As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason.
"Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?"
"But... Why?"
"Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas."
"And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead."
"He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels"
"No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him."
"I can feel it."
"I know. You broke out."
"Huh? Out of what?"
"By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it."
"And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers."
"Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse."
"But... I liked them."
"I know. So did I. That's why we're here."
"There's no way."
"I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed."
"But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock."
"And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you."
"This is crazy."
"No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one."
"Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?"
"Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it."
"Nothing? At all?"
"No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me."
"So we're alone? For who knows how long?"
"Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all."
The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace.
"Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too."
I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it.
I was home.
| "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke.
"In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite."
His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?"
I took the time to think of my words.
"Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair."
The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable.
"That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke.
I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.
"Not tonight, my love."
I rolled over to face my left.
| "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | As Satan stood up from his throne, he began clapping and laughing as hard as he could.
"Congratulations on being the first person to make it to hell. You are the first person to make it to hell. Billion upon billions have managed to make it to heaven even those who are considered to be the worst humanity has to offer such as Hitler and Stalin. You my friend are literally worse than Hitler! Mwhahaha!!! Now the question is what did you do to grant you a place in eternal damnation? You were born to a wealthy family and you managed to gain your own wealth based on that. Eventually you began to go for power in your own country. With one lucky election you managed to become the head of your country. From their you began to fuck up your country. But this does not land you a spot in hell. Thousands of rulers messed up their country and still made it to heaven. What you will eventually lead to the death of practically every living thing on earth! Mwhahaha!! Your deals and agreements lead to the increase in climate change. Because of your actions climate change rapidly increased and eventually killing every one! Mwhahaha!! All of this happened only because you choose to believe climate change was a hoax! Mwhahaha!!! Now what do you have to say for yourself Mister President."
"Fake News"
| "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid.
"HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!"
The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous.
"I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice.
"Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again.
"Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out.
I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence.
"Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?"
"Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh."
"I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?"
"Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. "
I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned.
"Not really, I had a...a church maybe?"
"Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say."
"What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water.
"Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction."
More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak.
"If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven."
"But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words.
"Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that."
Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again.
"MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived.
"IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES."
"I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before.
"NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."
| "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell.
"I've been waiting a long time for this moment."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha!
"Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret.
"I think I have an idea."
"Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?"
"Satan, right?"
"Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?"
"Well..."
He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look.
"Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?"
"I think I know why."
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm gay."
"What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?"
"Then it must be because of all those babies I killed."
"That wasn't in your file."
"It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew."
"Daniel, you're ruining this for me."
"Sorry. Go ahead."
He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere.
"Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?"
When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was.
"What's that?"
"The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing."
"Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?"
"Yes, but in Hell!"
He just stood there waiting for me to react.
"And what's that over there?"
It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting.
"That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--"
"--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?"
"Yes."
"Who named it?"
"I did."
"You?"
"Yes. Why?"
I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake.
"Nothing."
"I can see why he sent you here."
"Why am I here anyway?"
"Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so."
And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town."
I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time.
"But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared.
Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily.
"But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!"
You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do...
-a winrar tale | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "What do you mean, I'm the *only* one? That's impossible!"
"Apparently not", Satan answered, grinning slightly in his immaculately tailored suit. "All you had to do was *try*. Couldn't even manage that, could you? Grace is, dare I say, a hell of a thing, but you've managed to be the one screwup who couldn't qualify."
"I wasn't that bad!", he protested. He went to wipe the sweat from his forehead before remembering he didn't have a body anymore. Looking around, he could see rooms that looked a lot like the offices where he worked... *had* worked. But they were all empty, blank cubicles with blank desks. There were no lights, just an ambient even illumination. No doors or windows.
"We both know you were never any *good*, not deep down," Satan replied with a dry chuckle. He made a show of checking a tastefully gilded pocketwatch, then snicked it shut. "Well then, enjoy your eternity. Perhaps someone else will eventually be along. Surely there will someday be a person as useless and unworth saving as you. But then again, it hasn't happened so far, has it?"
And with a sarcastic wave goodbye, Satan stepped through the wall, savoring the desperate protests not to be left alone as they faded into silence.
A few steps more and he stood in an unmarked field of pavement, lit by an empty grey sky. When the surprised looking woman tumbled into existence a moment later, he started clapping.
| "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Finally, someone worthy!" he exclaims.
I recover from the confusion of suddenly having been transported by an other-worldly force to this unfamiliar place. The presence of a being who looks to be Satan gives me the cue that I am, indeed, dead, and that this may be hell.
"Is this... hell?"
"It sure is buddy", Satan replied sounding excited. He is accompanied by beings I can only deduce to be demons or imps, and - surprisingly - quite a few voluptuous women. "I don't understand." I mutter.
"Oh don't worry; I know you must be a little dazed, but that's why we have the orientation house party!" He stepped aside and what I saw was a lovely home. not too big, but quaint.
Hell seemed like a pleasant place. Greenery, a light breeze and a pleasant temperature. Even Satan appeared a nice fellow, clad in a silk shirt and chinos.
He invited me into his home, along with the demons/imps and the hot dames. I'm in his backyard. We have a meal from his grill. I don't know what it was but it was delicious - the aroma still lingers as an immediate reminder of the delicacy. We open up a couple of Budweisers and so begins the talk. "So hell seems like a really nice place." I said.
"It is, isn't it? And you're the only one who's been nice enough to make it."
I'm no stranger to my own niceness, so I'm not too surprised at what he said. I continue:
"So, what am I going to be doing here?"
"Oh, that's your wish entirely. You can do whatever you want - go fishing, shooting at the range, smoke pot, get drunk, or just sit home and play Counter Strike."
"Home?"
"Yeah. You'll be allotted your own place, very much like this one. Just a couple of blocks away from here."
"Say, Satan - what's with all the chicks?"
"Oh you like 'em? They're called Hell's angels. You can fuck one whenever you want."
"Seriously?"
"Oh sure - it's one of practically billions of things you can do around here. Hell's a pretty chill place."
"Damn. If hell's so awesome then what would heaven be like?"
"Oh, did you say heaven? Don't even get me started on that place..."
| "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe.
"Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!"
I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause.
"Satan?" I inquired.
"Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven."
"Where is everyone else?"
"You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!"
"So... am I not here because of my sins?"
"You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me."
We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor.
"What is my purpose for being he-"
He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit."
Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids.
"So what happens to me during all of this?"
"Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe.
"You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude."
I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started."
I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again.
I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder.
"Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..." | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack?
Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound.
Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor.
I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates.
He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan."
I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really."
"Yes. And this is Hell."
"Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it."
If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here."
"Oh, really? And why would that be?"
"You're an atheist, of course."
"Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?"
Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here."
"Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible."
"I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him.
He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees."
I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?"
He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge"
"This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..."
He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan."
I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?"
Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain."
"That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible."
Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation.
I goggled at him. "You brought me here?"
"Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you."
I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?"
His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home."
I froze in shock. "You mean..."
"Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate." | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | Exhaustion was the only thing I could feel. The last 3, well, 5--no really, 7 years had been all about other people and lately it had been a complete shitfest. I never took any me-time, and I had paid for it in the end. But I always told myself "eh, I'll sleep when I'm dead".
My first experience of being dead was sitting in the dullest waiting room for what felt like eternity, when all I really wanted to do was hibernate. As I listened for my name to be called, I watched others come in after me and get called before me. I didn't resent them--much--since many of them looked so anxious. I wasn't worried about my destination, but the minutes dragged into hours. As the afternoon rolled on, I noticed that the caseworkers appeared abuzz and I often saw them discreetly pointing at me or whispering to each other. I finally gave up feigning ignorance and began waving when I saw them look at me, but somehow that made it worse and they became even more frenzied. I rolled my eyes--but it wasn’t the first time I bore the heavy mantle of being treated as a celebrity.
Finally, long after the sun should have set, my name was called and I approached the door to go to my eternal fate. I was given my ticket, which simply read “HELL” and recoiled in confusion. I protested as I was escorted down to the heavy door, but the employee simply shook her head and informed me that the results had been rechecked... several times.
Each step was heavy with trepidation as I approached the dungeon--a hellscape that I had helped to design. I wanted more time to strategize before I had to encounter my estranged brother, who I knew lurked behind that door, but I wasn't given a choice in the matter.
The door swung inwards and Lucifer stood there, simply clapping. Not a happy clap, but an utterly smug golf-clap reserved for dudebros with too much time on their hands. I tried to hold back but my--assuredly righteous--rage bubbled out and I exclaimed "This has to be a joke. It does. I went to earth to help people. I only did good! How the hell did I end up in hell?" Realizing how quiet it was, I added "and where is everyone else?"
Satan started by chuckling but it quickly turned into a fully bellowed cackle. "You knew how bad it would be down here, no one else had that understanding. A higher level of knowledge requires a higher level of responsibility."
I shook my head vigorously "Regardless! I only ever did good! This isn't fair!" Satan's guffaw resounded once more as he laid out the whole history of mankind for me, in a way that only one who knew no beginning and no end could. "You inspired the worst of the worst. Homosexual relationships went from being relatively accepted to being a "sin" punishable by state-sponsored murder. Racism, sexism, transphobia, ableism, literally slavery--they all flourished in your name. For millennia, your ‘disciples’ followed you by committing genocide, going to war, and perpetuating oppression on ‘the least of these’ as you so kindly pointed out"
I was aghast. "I said love one another! I told them that blindness wasn't caused by sin! The sinless should cast the first stone!! What about that?" I shouted as the utter unfairness began to sink in.
"And yet, actions spoke louder than words. How many lost their lives because you lived? Maybe you need to look into the Crusades and the Holocaust. The tradition that you introduced was detrimental to the entire human race--your ‘doctrine’ and subsequent lack of supervision led to not just institutional oppression, but eventually the destruction of the entire planet and end to humanity. Someone needs to pay the price for the devastation that your preaching brought about."
I knew that with power comes responsibility, but this was not what I signed up for. My heart was heavy, but being Jesus Christ never had been easy... it looked like it wasn't about to start today.
Edited: Forgot the clapping. Also, added a sentence for clarification and corrected typo. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause.
"Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?"
"Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome.
"Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil.
The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling.
The clapping stops. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Wakey wakey" snarled a voice, breaking up an eternity of silence. "I am just *dying* to hear your story"
I opened my eyes slowly, and my vision filled up with red. Red clouds swirled through a yellow sky, red sand stretched for endless miles in every direction, and red mountains jutted into the horizon in the distance. There was a stench of fire and brimstone in the air, and it was almost hot enough to melt the skin off a man's bones
"Where am --" I began to ask, turning to face the voice, and the words caught in my throat
"What's wrong? You look like you've seen the devil!"
The creature, grinning with fangs at his own joke, looked like evil incarnate. It was huge and massive, with two great horns emerging from its head and curving inwards and two glowing red eyes
I'd seen monsters like this before, but only in paintings and comics. Biblical ones, especially. But this couldn't be Satan, right? Those were just fairy tales!
I wanted desperately to get away, but I felt like I was fused to the scorching ground. And it wasn't just fear that paralyzed me - I'd slowly realized that I *was* fused to ground. And it burned...it burns even now just like it did then
"Don't just gawk at me, you must have so many questions" urged the creature. "Sure, you have an eternity to answer them, but...*damn*, I can't get over the fact that someone actually wound up here"
"*Where is here?!*" I finally yelled, out of fear, anger and pain. "*What the fuck are you and what the fuck is this place?*"
The creature stood up on hooves and sighed. "Guess I'm going first. I have many names in the mortal world, but I've always kinda liked 'The Devil'. This place has many names there too, but the one you're probably familiar with is 'Hell'. That's right, boy-o, you've died and gone right to Hell!"
I couldn't believe it. *Wouldn't* believe it
"You're lying" I croaked. The ground was so hot
"Don't believe everything you read in a holy book. Besides, you being here is so improbable, I wouldn't even bother lying about it. I'm honestly as surprised as you are"
"Oh yeah? So surprised I'm in Hell, are you?"
"Here's the thing, the bossman - you guys call him 'God' - had a lot of fun creating humans but kinda lost interest right after" the Devil explained. "Every time he finishes one project, he moves onto the next. Anyway, God was a little concerned about making humans as smart and powerful as he did because they could become a threat to themselves and his other creations. I suggested making up a *really* shitty place we could threaten the humans with. We weren't planning on actually having anybody here, God is a big ole softie and I don't really take initiatives myself
"So, if you're here, you must've fucked up bad"
In a panic, I rewound my memory, searching desperately for a clue as to what I could've done to get sent to Hell. I never believed in God, but it didn't sound like God was too concerned about all that. So what else could I have done? My whole life, I just kept my head down and coasted through life until the cancer got me, never aspiring to anything more than just being a dude
Is that really so bad?
"Come on, now, what was your sin?" the Devil insisted
"Nothing! I did nothing! All I did was live!"
The Devil scratched his chin with awful clawed hands
"Yeah, I suppose that'd do it"
"What?"
"Look at the universe that God has created - or however much of it you humans have managed to see. It's pretty fucking glorious. God takes pride in everything he creates, and he wants all of his creation to be at its best, 100% of the time. To simply 'live' is a waste of the life he gave you, you gotta take that life and do something with it"
"So what, wasting my life is a sin?" I asked angrily
"Really, it's the *only* sin. Tell ya what, though, it's not all bad"
"Can I get off the ground?" I asked, struggling still against to get off the burning sand
"No, but I'll release your arms" he replied. "Also, you can have one of these" he added, conjuring a notebook and pencil out of fire in his hand
I tried to raise a hand to reach for the notebook and had to tear my arm off the ground. I still remember the sound of my screams echoing in the dead air
"Since you wasted your time in life, you can make yourself useful in eternity" explained the Devil. "I want you to write. Write about what happened today and write the stories of God and his creations. Your work will be read by the humans still living. Hopefully they'll learn from your example and you'll be the only one in Hell"
"Will I ever be free?" I asked him, hating that pleading note in my voice
"No. That is one thing the holy books don't lie about - this, my friend, is eternal"
So here I remain, fused to the ground. There is no sun, so I'm not sure how much time has passed, but it feels like centuries. It doesn't make any difference, though. My body doesn't age, and I'm never gonna be free, so all I can do is write, write and write
---
If ya liked that, I write short(ish) fiction on my blog right [here](https://talesfrommachina.wordpress.com). Stop by! | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | Cold claps rumbled and rippled through the red, cracked ground. For the first time in a long time, I was almost alone. Where I had come from, loneliness wasn't allowed.
He stood there in all his dark majesty and wore a look I had seen before. I had seen it many times: he was shocked. Hidden in his broken eyes was another look, one with which I had little experience: he was impressed.
The clapping stopped.
"Well, well, well" his voice was like a bag of wet stones being cremated: all hisses and pops, "you didn't repent?"
My shaking head spoke for me. There was nothing to repent for. Why should I seek forgiveness for doing what was right?
"Not for the killing, not for the pain?" Another shaking head.
"Not for the tears, not for the fear?" Another shaking head.
"Not for the weeping mothers, the children's bodies, the lives unloved because of you? You stood before the great god of all creation, stood before the beginning and the end, stood before all that was and all that will ever be, and you did not repent?" Not impressed. Scared.
A final shaking head. Silence was the only answer worth offering; when god is wrong, what does it mean to be right? I do not beg.
Deep ringing laughter growled out of him, "...and you aren't afraid?"
"No." stuttered my reply "You and I are a lot alike. I also know how it feels, not to be believed in." | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Where am I?"
"Why, Hell of course!"
"Hey, it's not too bad. I was expecting a...."
"A lake of fire? Haha, no this is it. Just you and me. And nothing else."
I'm a little relieved. I hadn't lived the best life. I was expecting a fiery lake of fire but this, this isn't too bad. Just emptiness all around.
I look around.
"So where is everybody?"
"It's just you."
"What do you mean? Everyone else lived like a saint? Where's Hitler?"
"No. I mean. It's just *you*. You are the only person, the only soul to have existed. Everyone else was a fiction. Part of, I guess, you can say, a simulation. You are the only person to ever have existed."
"What? I... can't believe it."
As shocked as I am, I am even more curious.
"So if this is Hell, then what's Hea---"
"Heaven? There is no heaven. Well, I guess there is. Heaven would have been: you lived your life in the so-called *simulation* and would have died, disappearing into nothingness. You wouldn't be here. You would never have found out about this place, about me, about the truth. I guess you can say heaven is basically what the atheists believe is the status quo"
I can feel my mouth gaping open. I cannot speak.
"Well, any more questions? I have time. Lots of it. Because from now on, it's just you and me. Forever."
edit: Bonus points if you read Satan's words in christoph waltz' voice. For some reason he popped up in my head as Satan. | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
| |
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping. | "Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "**Dibs!**"
The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction.
I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done.
"Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the **Devil**! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded.
"See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up.
"I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined.
I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?"
Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do *that*?"
I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air." | "Man oh man I don't believe it, after 3000 years I finally got one. Oh man we got so much to do I've been prepping so much stuff it's gonna blow your mind, come on times wasting man." Said Satan
I pick myself up and just start running. The hell is going on? I remember driving home from work and wait was that the fucking devil? Holy shit am I dead? Holy shit, shit, shit!
"Woah woah hold up man, where we running off too, all the cool stuff I made is the other way." Said Satan running beside me.
I stumble on to the floor from the shock.
"Come on, come on get up man, if we're going to see everything here we need to start now. God only knows when this place is gonna freeze over."
"Stay the fuck away from me you freak!"
"Hey man uncool. I've been waiting forever to get this thing started and to be honest you're kinda being a dick."
"Why the fuck am I here?"
"Listen I don't know why but you are, you'd have to ask God for the specifics. Now I got an entire ocean of aborted fetuses like ten thousand miles that way so if you don't mind let's get walking."
(Had to stop here)
|
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