Split (1)

train · 353k rows

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[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	It was a big day in Hell. It's first resident was about to arrive. Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived. So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy. All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week. Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant. And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement: "A New Human has Arrived." He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open. A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans. "Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan. "You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-" "Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man. "How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!" "Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long." "Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way... "Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only." "It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!" "That's the spirit!" Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber. "Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me." "What could that be, human?" "Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both." "And what does that have to do with your current situation?" They entered the chamber, and the door closed. "Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..." And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	It was a big day in Hell. It's first resident was about to arrive. Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived. So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy. All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week. Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant. And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement: "A New Human has Arrived." He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open. A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans. "Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan. "You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-" "Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man. "How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!" "Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long." "Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way... "Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only." "It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!" "That's the spirit!" Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber. "Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me." "What could that be, human?" "Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both." "And what does that have to do with your current situation?" They entered the chamber, and the door closed. "Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..." And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause. "Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?" "Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome. "Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil. The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling. The clapping stops.	It was a big day in Hell. It's first resident was about to arrive. Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived. So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy. All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week. Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant. And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement: "A New Human has Arrived." He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open. A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans. "Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan. "You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-" "Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man. "How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!" "Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long." "Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way... "Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only." "It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!" "That's the spirit!" Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber. "Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me." "What could that be, human?" "Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both." "And what does that have to do with your current situation?" They entered the chamber, and the door closed. "Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..." And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Cold claps rumbled and rippled through the red, cracked ground. For the first time in a long time, I was almost alone. Where I had come from, loneliness wasn't allowed. He stood there in all his dark majesty and wore a look I had seen before. I had seen it many times: he was shocked. Hidden in his broken eyes was another look, one with which I had little experience: he was impressed. The clapping stopped. "Well, well, well" his voice was like a bag of wet stones being cremated: all hisses and pops, "you didn't repent?" My shaking head spoke for me. There was nothing to repent for. Why should I seek forgiveness for doing what was right? "Not for the killing, not for the pain?" Another shaking head. "Not for the tears, not for the fear?" Another shaking head. "Not for the weeping mothers, the children's bodies, the lives unloved because of you? You stood before the great god of all creation, stood before the beginning and the end, stood before all that was and all that will ever be, and you did not repent?" Not impressed. Scared. A final shaking head. Silence was the only answer worth offering; when god is wrong, what does it mean to be right? I do not beg. Deep ringing laughter growled out of him, "...and you aren't afraid?" "No." stuttered my reply "You and I are a lot alike. I also know how it feels, not to be believed in."	It was a big day in Hell. It's first resident was about to arrive. Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived. So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy. All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week. Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant. And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement: "A New Human has Arrived." He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open. A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans. "Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan. "You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-" "Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man. "How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!" "Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long." "Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way... "Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only." "It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!" "That's the spirit!" Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber. "Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me." "What could that be, human?" "Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both." "And what does that have to do with your current situation?" They entered the chamber, and the door closed. "Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..." And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Where am I?" "Why, Hell of course!" "Hey, it's not too bad. I was expecting a...." "A lake of fire? Haha, no this is it. Just you and me. And nothing else." I'm a little relieved. I hadn't lived the best life. I was expecting a fiery lake of fire but this, this isn't too bad. Just emptiness all around. I look around. "So where is everybody?" "It's just you." "What do you mean? Everyone else lived like a saint? Where's Hitler?" "No. I mean. It's just you. You are the only person, the only soul to have existed. Everyone else was a fiction. Part of, I guess, you can say, a simulation. You are the only person to ever have existed." "What? I... can't believe it." As shocked as I am, I am even more curious. "So if this is Hell, then what's Hea---" "Heaven? There is no heaven. Well, I guess there is. Heaven would have been: you lived your life in the so-called simulation and would have died, disappearing into nothingness. You wouldn't be here. You would never have found out about this place, about me, about the truth. I guess you can say heaven is basically what the atheists believe is the status quo" I can feel my mouth gaping open. I cannot speak. "Well, any more questions? I have time. Lots of it. Because from now on, it's just you and me. Forever." edit: Bonus points if you read Satan's words in christoph waltz' voice. For some reason he popped up in my head as Satan.	It was a big day in Hell. It's first resident was about to arrive. Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived. So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy. All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week. Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant. And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement: "A New Human has Arrived." He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open. A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans. "Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan. "You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-" "Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man. "How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!" "Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long." "Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way... "Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only." "It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!" "That's the spirit!" Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber. "Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me." "What could that be, human?" "Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both." "And what does that have to do with your current situation?" They entered the chamber, and the door closed. "Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..." And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "Dibs!" The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction. I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the Devil! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded. "See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up. "I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined. I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?" Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do that?" I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air."	It was a big day in Hell. It's first resident was about to arrive. Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived. So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy. All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week. Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant. And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement: "A New Human has Arrived." He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open. A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans. "Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan. "You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-" "Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man. "How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!" "Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long." "Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way... "Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only." "It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!" "That's the spirit!" Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber. "Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me." "What could that be, human?" "Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both." "And what does that have to do with your current situation?" They entered the chamber, and the door closed. "Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..." And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	A voice boomed, "Kneel, mortal." I was dazed, and more than a little confused. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread, although I couldn't quite remember why. My head darted left and right as I tried desperately to find the source of the voice, but as far as I could tell, there wasn’t one. Above me was a pitch black sky, devoid of all character and life. Beneath me stood a desolate rock, surrounded by lava as far as the eye could see. Sulfurous ash assaulted my nostrils and burned my lungs, bringing tears to my eyes. "Who...?", I croaked, but could get nothing more out. My mouth was dry, as if filled with sand. My throat spasmed as I attempted to speak, and I gasped for air. “You dare to defy me?” Suddenly, my body erupted in searing pain. I tried to scream, but could find no voice in my throat. My skin was on fire, my head pulsed and throbbed, and a wave of nausea rushed over me. I fell to my knees and watched in horror as I began to uncontrollably vomit up my own blood. A cackle filled the air, punctuated by what sounded almost like applause. The lava in front of me shot up -- an awesome demonstration of power -- sending small droplets raining down on me like fiery acid. I watched in horror as the lava formed itself into a giant, twisted facsimile of a man, towering over me. It grinned sardonically. "You know, I've waited a long time for you." The figure boomed. "More time than you can even comprehend.” I stared through terrified eyes, trembling, the taste of blood still fresh in my mouth. I dared not speak. I dared not move. I knelt in silence. "When the Lord condemned me to this forsaken abyss, He promised He would send me those human souls that were beyond salvation. The truly condemned, so hopelessly forlorn that even He, in His infinite love and wisdom, could not save." "And so I watched, and waited. I watched as God welcomed into His loving embrace murderers, rapists, thieves and harlots – all manner of debauchery and evil. So long as He could find a single shred of worth – a single seed of value and goodness – He welcomed them into His realm, as if to mock me.” “For a time, I thought I understood. You see, I thought God was telling me that I alone was uniquely beyond redemption; uniquely cursed to suffer this terrible realm of darkness and hate.” “But you…” Out of the lava formed an arm, a hand, and then a finger, which slowly unraveled and pointed at me. I felt my body rise, of its own volition, and I slowly began to walk toward the towering figure, inching ever closer to the fiery magma out of which it had formed. Each step accentuated the heat on my skin, causing my body to blister and burn. I tried to writhe. I tried to scream. I tried to do anything to make the pain stop, but I had no control. “Out of all mankind, you alone have been deemed so uniquely depraved – so uniquely hopeless – that even God has forsaken you. And now you have arrived in my realm, as cast off and isolated as you were in life.” I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t do anything. My whole body cried out, as my skin welted and blistered. My eyes erupted in agony, and the world went dark as I felt them crust over. I could see no more, but I continued to feel my body slowly advance. “And for what? You committed no atrocities. You perpetrated no genocide and murdered no innocents. No, you are here not for the depth of your crimes, for which God always manages to find forgiveness.” I felt a scathing liquid surround my left foot, then my right, as my senses erupted in new heights of pain. My body slowly started to disintegrate – melting beneath me – shooting searing agony up my legs. I could see nothing, but could feel exposed bone splashed by lava. The figure laughed, hate-filled, and mockingly. “No, you’re not here because you’re evil. You’re here because the way you lived your life demonstrated such a pathetic worthlessness – such a miserable, aspirationless existence – that even God could not find anything in you worth redeeming. You were nothing in life, and you are nothing in death. And now God has condemned you to me like the worm you are.” With so little of my lower body left, I lost my balance, and fell forward, face first into anguish. The pain consumed me, rushing throughout my body until my every sensation was torment and misery. I felt myself disappear, moving closer and closer to nothingness, my final salvation. I embraced the void. But suddenly, I found myself formed anew, once again able to see, and centered on the same desolate rock, the same figure towering over me once again. “And after countless eons of waiting, my worm, rest assured – we’re going to have so much fun.”	It was a big day in Hell. It's first resident was about to arrive. Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived. So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy. All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week. Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant. And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement: "A New Human has Arrived." He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open. A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans. "Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan. "You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-" "Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man. "How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!" "Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long." "Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way... "Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only." "It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!" "That's the spirit!" Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber. "Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me." "What could that be, human?" "Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both." "And what does that have to do with your current situation?" They entered the chamber, and the door closed. "Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..." And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	When the first human got to hell, Satan and all his minions were amazed, no one made it here, no matter how bad were their sins, they repent and ask forgiveness or simply the good actions outweigh the sins. So Satan like a curious cat took him to his office to make an interview to study him. "So John Felgrand it's your name, is that correct?", "Yes sir, same name as my grandpa, proud of it", "So what was your job in Earth?", "Well I just fixed and restored classic cars for these last years, but I was a retired soldier, 43th Infantry Division during WWII", Satan's face lighted up "A soldier, huh? So you probably killed hundreds, maybe thousands of enemies I assume", "No sir, I was part of the medical staff, we saved thousands of lives, including dozens of enemies", Satan was a bit surprised but keep asking "You seem a charismatic fellow, did you have like dozens of ladies and lovers?", "Just my wife Elizabeth, my only girlfriend from high school and the love of my life", "... but you cheated her" Satan muttered "Well once during New Year's eve I kissed this hot neighbor, but we were drunk and never went beyond that kiss", Satan kept asking for hours "Did you lie?... Did you steal?... Did you scam someone?... Did you murder someone?... Did you rape?... Did you kidnap someone... Did you have a secret sex dungeon..." but all he found was just no as answers, the man seemed clean. Satan slowly walked to the door and opened it, "You know John, you look like a nice man, I'm sure God made a mistake, I'm gonna call his office tomorrow in the morning, but I'm tired, you're tired, let's take a rest. We will have dinner in the East hall, so please come, tons of food and drinks". When the East hall opened the lesser minions started crumbling to ashes, the minions were writhing in pain, as John walked all demons, succubi, archfiends, devils.... All of them fell down, one by one, Satan couldn't see anything, but he started sweating, his heart rate seemed like a drum in those cheesy B movies, when John stood in front of him, he was crying in pain, he realized he made a mistake and that man deserved hell, all devilish court vanished in a flash. All left in hell was the eternal flames, the throne and John sitting there, all calm wearing his pink crocs and white socks. *Sorry for spelling or grammar mistakes, english it's not my mother language*	It was a big day in Hell. It's first resident was about to arrive. Satan, had been waiting for eons for someone to arrive. And eons passed. But noone arrived. So, as it's expected, he became more of a slob around there. Started not cleaning up, not filling up with lava the lava pits, not providing with oxygen the fire chambers, and generally being lazy. All that until the day, when a messenger came by to announce, that, finally, it's first resident would appear in a week. Satan was overjoyed, he finally had something to do! He started cleaning out the whole place, ordered new lava and oxygen to start up the torture devices, called the demons to come back and get in position for the tortures. He had cleaned out the signs, redecorated the hallways, everything was ready for the big premiere, just like a restaurant. And then, one day, from the Hell Loudspeakers, he heard the announcement: "A New Human has Arrived." He took his position on his podium, and he moved the lever made out of bones so the door would open. A man came through. About average height, not too fat, not too muscular, with nothing really remarkable about him. A dirty and stained white t-shirt, and some teared apart blue jeans. "Welcome, to absolute damnation!" shouted Satan. "You are the first one that has arrived, in Hell Category 9, the deepest level of Hell. On your file, it says that you are responsible for more than 670 murders, among those-" "Just shut up already matey, we both know I ain't here to do chit-chatting. It's way too early for me to start listening to whatever you're saying." said the man. "How dare you disrespect me! The most powerful being of all! I shall make your sentence twice longer and thrice more torturous!" "Yadayadayada, whatever. It's not like I'll stay here for long." "Oh, I'm afraid you will. On Hell-Cat. 9, you can not rise above to Heavens by good deeds. You are here forever..." Satan said in his most evil way... "Oh you sure about that, big-baller? A little birdie told me I'm gonna be here for about half a day only." "It's the first time I have seen a human disrespect me so much! I will carefully oversee every single torture you go through!" "That's the spirit!" Then, they started walking towards a torture chamber. "Just a disclaimer I have to give you buddy, if you read my folder good enough, you would have understood that I have a little thingy running with me." "What could that be, human?" "Whenever I was alone in a room, I had the tendency to either fuck whoever else is in it with me if she's a woman, or kill him if he's a man. And sometimes both." "And what does that have to do with your current situation?" They entered the chamber, and the door closed. "Well, I don't see anyone else in this room, and since you ain't ain't a girl..." And since then, Hell-Category 9 closed down.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	As Satan stood up from his throne, he began clapping and laughing as hard as he could. "Congratulations on being the first person to make it to hell. You are the first person to make it to hell. Billion upon billions have managed to make it to heaven even those who are considered to be the worst humanity has to offer such as Hitler and Stalin. You my friend are literally worse than Hitler! Mwhahaha!!! Now the question is what did you do to grant you a place in eternal damnation? You were born to a wealthy family and you managed to gain your own wealth based on that. Eventually you began to go for power in your own country. With one lucky election you managed to become the head of your country. From their you began to fuck up your country. But this does not land you a spot in hell. Thousands of rulers messed up their country and still made it to heaven. What you will eventually lead to the death of practically every living thing on earth! Mwhahaha!! Your deals and agreements lead to the increase in climate change. Because of your actions climate change rapidly increased and eventually killing every one! Mwhahaha!! All of this happened only because you choose to believe climate change was a hoax! Mwhahaha!!! Now what do you have to say for yourself Mister President." "Fake News"	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid. "HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!" The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous. "I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice. "Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again. "Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out. I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence. "Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?" "Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh." "I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?" "Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. " I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "Not really, I had a...a church maybe?" "Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say." "What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water. "Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction." More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak. "If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven." "But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words. "Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that." Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again. "MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived. "IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES." "I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before. "NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"What do you mean, I'm the only one? That's impossible!" "Apparently not", Satan answered, grinning slightly in his immaculately tailored suit. "All you had to do was try. Couldn't even manage that, could you? Grace is, dare I say, a hell of a thing, but you've managed to be the one screwup who couldn't qualify." "I wasn't that bad!", he protested. He went to wipe the sweat from his forehead before remembering he didn't have a body anymore. Looking around, he could see rooms that looked a lot like the offices where he worked... had worked. But they were all empty, blank cubicles with blank desks. There were no lights, just an ambient even illumination. No doors or windows. "We both know you were never any good, not deep down," Satan replied with a dry chuckle. He made a show of checking a tastefully gilded pocketwatch, then snicked it shut. "Well then, enjoy your eternity. Perhaps someone else will eventually be along. Surely there will someday be a person as useless and unworth saving as you. But then again, it hasn't happened so far, has it?" And with a sarcastic wave goodbye, Satan stepped through the wall, savoring the desperate protests not to be left alone as they faded into silence. A few steps more and he stood in an unmarked field of pavement, lit by an empty grey sky. When the surprised looking woman tumbled into existence a moment later, he started clapping.	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Finally, someone worthy!" he exclaims. I recover from the confusion of suddenly having been transported by an other-worldly force to this unfamiliar place. The presence of a being who looks to be Satan gives me the cue that I am, indeed, dead, and that this may be hell. "Is this... hell?" "It sure is buddy", Satan replied sounding excited. He is accompanied by beings I can only deduce to be demons or imps, and - surprisingly - quite a few voluptuous women. "I don't understand." I mutter. "Oh don't worry; I know you must be a little dazed, but that's why we have the orientation house party!" He stepped aside and what I saw was a lovely home. not too big, but quaint. Hell seemed like a pleasant place. Greenery, a light breeze and a pleasant temperature. Even Satan appeared a nice fellow, clad in a silk shirt and chinos. He invited me into his home, along with the demons/imps and the hot dames. I'm in his backyard. We have a meal from his grill. I don't know what it was but it was delicious - the aroma still lingers as an immediate reminder of the delicacy. We open up a couple of Budweisers and so begins the talk. "So hell seems like a really nice place." I said. "It is, isn't it? And you're the only one who's been nice enough to make it." I'm no stranger to my own niceness, so I'm not too surprised at what he said. I continue: "So, what am I going to be doing here?" "Oh, that's your wish entirely. You can do whatever you want - go fishing, shooting at the range, smoke pot, get drunk, or just sit home and play Counter Strike." "Home?" "Yeah. You'll be allotted your own place, very much like this one. Just a couple of blocks away from here." "Say, Satan - what's with all the chicks?" "Oh you like 'em? They're called Hell's angels. You can fuck one whenever you want." "Seriously?" "Oh sure - it's one of practically billions of things you can do around here. Hell's a pretty chill place." "Damn. If hell's so awesome then what would heaven be like?" "Oh, did you say heaven? Don't even get me started on that place..."	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause. "Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?" "Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome. "Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil. The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling. The clapping stops.	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Cold claps rumbled and rippled through the red, cracked ground. For the first time in a long time, I was almost alone. Where I had come from, loneliness wasn't allowed. He stood there in all his dark majesty and wore a look I had seen before. I had seen it many times: he was shocked. Hidden in his broken eyes was another look, one with which I had little experience: he was impressed. The clapping stopped. "Well, well, well" his voice was like a bag of wet stones being cremated: all hisses and pops, "you didn't repent?" My shaking head spoke for me. There was nothing to repent for. Why should I seek forgiveness for doing what was right? "Not for the killing, not for the pain?" Another shaking head. "Not for the tears, not for the fear?" Another shaking head. "Not for the weeping mothers, the children's bodies, the lives unloved because of you? You stood before the great god of all creation, stood before the beginning and the end, stood before all that was and all that will ever be, and you did not repent?" Not impressed. Scared. A final shaking head. Silence was the only answer worth offering; when god is wrong, what does it mean to be right? I do not beg. Deep ringing laughter growled out of him, "...and you aren't afraid?" "No." stuttered my reply "You and I are a lot alike. I also know how it feels, not to be believed in."	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Where am I?" "Why, Hell of course!" "Hey, it's not too bad. I was expecting a...." "A lake of fire? Haha, no this is it. Just you and me. And nothing else." I'm a little relieved. I hadn't lived the best life. I was expecting a fiery lake of fire but this, this isn't too bad. Just emptiness all around. I look around. "So where is everybody?" "It's just you." "What do you mean? Everyone else lived like a saint? Where's Hitler?" "No. I mean. It's just you. You are the only person, the only soul to have existed. Everyone else was a fiction. Part of, I guess, you can say, a simulation. You are the only person to ever have existed." "What? I... can't believe it." As shocked as I am, I am even more curious. "So if this is Hell, then what's Hea---" "Heaven? There is no heaven. Well, I guess there is. Heaven would have been: you lived your life in the so-called simulation and would have died, disappearing into nothingness. You wouldn't be here. You would never have found out about this place, about me, about the truth. I guess you can say heaven is basically what the atheists believe is the status quo" I can feel my mouth gaping open. I cannot speak. "Well, any more questions? I have time. Lots of it. Because from now on, it's just you and me. Forever." edit: Bonus points if you read Satan's words in christoph waltz' voice. For some reason he popped up in my head as Satan.	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "Dibs!" The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction. I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the Devil! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded. "See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up. "I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined. I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?" Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do that?" I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air."	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	A voice boomed, "Kneel, mortal." I was dazed, and more than a little confused. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread, although I couldn't quite remember why. My head darted left and right as I tried desperately to find the source of the voice, but as far as I could tell, there wasn’t one. Above me was a pitch black sky, devoid of all character and life. Beneath me stood a desolate rock, surrounded by lava as far as the eye could see. Sulfurous ash assaulted my nostrils and burned my lungs, bringing tears to my eyes. "Who...?", I croaked, but could get nothing more out. My mouth was dry, as if filled with sand. My throat spasmed as I attempted to speak, and I gasped for air. “You dare to defy me?” Suddenly, my body erupted in searing pain. I tried to scream, but could find no voice in my throat. My skin was on fire, my head pulsed and throbbed, and a wave of nausea rushed over me. I fell to my knees and watched in horror as I began to uncontrollably vomit up my own blood. A cackle filled the air, punctuated by what sounded almost like applause. The lava in front of me shot up -- an awesome demonstration of power -- sending small droplets raining down on me like fiery acid. I watched in horror as the lava formed itself into a giant, twisted facsimile of a man, towering over me. It grinned sardonically. "You know, I've waited a long time for you." The figure boomed. "More time than you can even comprehend.” I stared through terrified eyes, trembling, the taste of blood still fresh in my mouth. I dared not speak. I dared not move. I knelt in silence. "When the Lord condemned me to this forsaken abyss, He promised He would send me those human souls that were beyond salvation. The truly condemned, so hopelessly forlorn that even He, in His infinite love and wisdom, could not save." "And so I watched, and waited. I watched as God welcomed into His loving embrace murderers, rapists, thieves and harlots – all manner of debauchery and evil. So long as He could find a single shred of worth – a single seed of value and goodness – He welcomed them into His realm, as if to mock me.” “For a time, I thought I understood. You see, I thought God was telling me that I alone was uniquely beyond redemption; uniquely cursed to suffer this terrible realm of darkness and hate.” “But you…” Out of the lava formed an arm, a hand, and then a finger, which slowly unraveled and pointed at me. I felt my body rise, of its own volition, and I slowly began to walk toward the towering figure, inching ever closer to the fiery magma out of which it had formed. Each step accentuated the heat on my skin, causing my body to blister and burn. I tried to writhe. I tried to scream. I tried to do anything to make the pain stop, but I had no control. “Out of all mankind, you alone have been deemed so uniquely depraved – so uniquely hopeless – that even God has forsaken you. And now you have arrived in my realm, as cast off and isolated as you were in life.” I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t do anything. My whole body cried out, as my skin welted and blistered. My eyes erupted in agony, and the world went dark as I felt them crust over. I could see no more, but I continued to feel my body slowly advance. “And for what? You committed no atrocities. You perpetrated no genocide and murdered no innocents. No, you are here not for the depth of your crimes, for which God always manages to find forgiveness.” I felt a scathing liquid surround my left foot, then my right, as my senses erupted in new heights of pain. My body slowly started to disintegrate – melting beneath me – shooting searing agony up my legs. I could see nothing, but could feel exposed bone splashed by lava. The figure laughed, hate-filled, and mockingly. “No, you’re not here because you’re evil. You’re here because the way you lived your life demonstrated such a pathetic worthlessness – such a miserable, aspirationless existence – that even God could not find anything in you worth redeeming. You were nothing in life, and you are nothing in death. And now God has condemned you to me like the worm you are.” With so little of my lower body left, I lost my balance, and fell forward, face first into anguish. The pain consumed me, rushing throughout my body until my every sensation was torment and misery. I felt myself disappear, moving closer and closer to nothingness, my final salvation. I embraced the void. But suddenly, I found myself formed anew, once again able to see, and centered on the same desolate rock, the same figure towering over me once again. “And after countless eons of waiting, my worm, rest assured – we’re going to have so much fun.”	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	When the first human got to hell, Satan and all his minions were amazed, no one made it here, no matter how bad were their sins, they repent and ask forgiveness or simply the good actions outweigh the sins. So Satan like a curious cat took him to his office to make an interview to study him. "So John Felgrand it's your name, is that correct?", "Yes sir, same name as my grandpa, proud of it", "So what was your job in Earth?", "Well I just fixed and restored classic cars for these last years, but I was a retired soldier, 43th Infantry Division during WWII", Satan's face lighted up "A soldier, huh? So you probably killed hundreds, maybe thousands of enemies I assume", "No sir, I was part of the medical staff, we saved thousands of lives, including dozens of enemies", Satan was a bit surprised but keep asking "You seem a charismatic fellow, did you have like dozens of ladies and lovers?", "Just my wife Elizabeth, my only girlfriend from high school and the love of my life", "... but you cheated her" Satan muttered "Well once during New Year's eve I kissed this hot neighbor, but we were drunk and never went beyond that kiss", Satan kept asking for hours "Did you lie?... Did you steal?... Did you scam someone?... Did you murder someone?... Did you rape?... Did you kidnap someone... Did you have a secret sex dungeon..." but all he found was just no as answers, the man seemed clean. Satan slowly walked to the door and opened it, "You know John, you look like a nice man, I'm sure God made a mistake, I'm gonna call his office tomorrow in the morning, but I'm tired, you're tired, let's take a rest. We will have dinner in the East hall, so please come, tons of food and drinks". When the East hall opened the lesser minions started crumbling to ashes, the minions were writhing in pain, as John walked all demons, succubi, archfiends, devils.... All of them fell down, one by one, Satan couldn't see anything, but he started sweating, his heart rate seemed like a drum in those cheesy B movies, when John stood in front of him, he was crying in pain, he realized he made a mistake and that man deserved hell, all devilish court vanished in a flash. All left in hell was the eternal flames, the throne and John sitting there, all calm wearing his pink crocs and white socks. *Sorry for spelling or grammar mistakes, english it's not my mother language*	"It wasn't the first, second, or even the third child you gave her then caused her to lose. It wasn't that you mistreated her, abused her, or caused her such extensive grief. It wasn't that you never kept or maintained any love that didn't go out of its way to be in your life. It was that once those around you grew strong and became healthy, independent, self-caring individuals, you did everything you could to make it about how their strength and independence hurt you, and you took their strength away. You, my dear friend, are just like me. And I need you to replace me, as I have grown tired of corrupting souls and breaking spirits."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	As Satan stood up from his throne, he began clapping and laughing as hard as he could. "Congratulations on being the first person to make it to hell. You are the first person to make it to hell. Billion upon billions have managed to make it to heaven even those who are considered to be the worst humanity has to offer such as Hitler and Stalin. You my friend are literally worse than Hitler! Mwhahaha!!! Now the question is what did you do to grant you a place in eternal damnation? You were born to a wealthy family and you managed to gain your own wealth based on that. Eventually you began to go for power in your own country. With one lucky election you managed to become the head of your country. From their you began to fuck up your country. But this does not land you a spot in hell. Thousands of rulers messed up their country and still made it to heaven. What you will eventually lead to the death of practically every living thing on earth! Mwhahaha!! Your deals and agreements lead to the increase in climate change. Because of your actions climate change rapidly increased and eventually killing every one! Mwhahaha!! All of this happened only because you choose to believe climate change was a hoax! Mwhahaha!!! Now what do you have to say for yourself Mister President." "Fake News"	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid. "HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!" The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous. "I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice. "Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again. "Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out. I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence. "Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?" "Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh." "I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?" "Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. " I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "Not really, I had a...a church maybe?" "Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say." "What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water. "Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction." More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak. "If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven." "But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words. "Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that." Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again. "MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived. "IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES." "I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before. "NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"What do you mean, I'm the only one? That's impossible!" "Apparently not", Satan answered, grinning slightly in his immaculately tailored suit. "All you had to do was try. Couldn't even manage that, could you? Grace is, dare I say, a hell of a thing, but you've managed to be the one screwup who couldn't qualify." "I wasn't that bad!", he protested. He went to wipe the sweat from his forehead before remembering he didn't have a body anymore. Looking around, he could see rooms that looked a lot like the offices where he worked... had worked. But they were all empty, blank cubicles with blank desks. There were no lights, just an ambient even illumination. No doors or windows. "We both know you were never any good, not deep down," Satan replied with a dry chuckle. He made a show of checking a tastefully gilded pocketwatch, then snicked it shut. "Well then, enjoy your eternity. Perhaps someone else will eventually be along. Surely there will someday be a person as useless and unworth saving as you. But then again, it hasn't happened so far, has it?" And with a sarcastic wave goodbye, Satan stepped through the wall, savoring the desperate protests not to be left alone as they faded into silence. A few steps more and he stood in an unmarked field of pavement, lit by an empty grey sky. When the surprised looking woman tumbled into existence a moment later, he started clapping.	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Finally, someone worthy!" he exclaims. I recover from the confusion of suddenly having been transported by an other-worldly force to this unfamiliar place. The presence of a being who looks to be Satan gives me the cue that I am, indeed, dead, and that this may be hell. "Is this... hell?" "It sure is buddy", Satan replied sounding excited. He is accompanied by beings I can only deduce to be demons or imps, and - surprisingly - quite a few voluptuous women. "I don't understand." I mutter. "Oh don't worry; I know you must be a little dazed, but that's why we have the orientation house party!" He stepped aside and what I saw was a lovely home. not too big, but quaint. Hell seemed like a pleasant place. Greenery, a light breeze and a pleasant temperature. Even Satan appeared a nice fellow, clad in a silk shirt and chinos. He invited me into his home, along with the demons/imps and the hot dames. I'm in his backyard. We have a meal from his grill. I don't know what it was but it was delicious - the aroma still lingers as an immediate reminder of the delicacy. We open up a couple of Budweisers and so begins the talk. "So hell seems like a really nice place." I said. "It is, isn't it? And you're the only one who's been nice enough to make it." I'm no stranger to my own niceness, so I'm not too surprised at what he said. I continue: "So, what am I going to be doing here?" "Oh, that's your wish entirely. You can do whatever you want - go fishing, shooting at the range, smoke pot, get drunk, or just sit home and play Counter Strike." "Home?" "Yeah. You'll be allotted your own place, very much like this one. Just a couple of blocks away from here." "Say, Satan - what's with all the chicks?" "Oh you like 'em? They're called Hell's angels. You can fuck one whenever you want." "Seriously?" "Oh sure - it's one of practically billions of things you can do around here. Hell's a pretty chill place." "Damn. If hell's so awesome then what would heaven be like?" "Oh, did you say heaven? Don't even get me started on that place..."	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause. "Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?" "Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome. "Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil. The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling. The clapping stops.	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Cold claps rumbled and rippled through the red, cracked ground. For the first time in a long time, I was almost alone. Where I had come from, loneliness wasn't allowed. He stood there in all his dark majesty and wore a look I had seen before. I had seen it many times: he was shocked. Hidden in his broken eyes was another look, one with which I had little experience: he was impressed. The clapping stopped. "Well, well, well" his voice was like a bag of wet stones being cremated: all hisses and pops, "you didn't repent?" My shaking head spoke for me. There was nothing to repent for. Why should I seek forgiveness for doing what was right? "Not for the killing, not for the pain?" Another shaking head. "Not for the tears, not for the fear?" Another shaking head. "Not for the weeping mothers, the children's bodies, the lives unloved because of you? You stood before the great god of all creation, stood before the beginning and the end, stood before all that was and all that will ever be, and you did not repent?" Not impressed. Scared. A final shaking head. Silence was the only answer worth offering; when god is wrong, what does it mean to be right? I do not beg. Deep ringing laughter growled out of him, "...and you aren't afraid?" "No." stuttered my reply "You and I are a lot alike. I also know how it feels, not to be believed in."	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Where am I?" "Why, Hell of course!" "Hey, it's not too bad. I was expecting a...." "A lake of fire? Haha, no this is it. Just you and me. And nothing else." I'm a little relieved. I hadn't lived the best life. I was expecting a fiery lake of fire but this, this isn't too bad. Just emptiness all around. I look around. "So where is everybody?" "It's just you." "What do you mean? Everyone else lived like a saint? Where's Hitler?" "No. I mean. It's just you. You are the only person, the only soul to have existed. Everyone else was a fiction. Part of, I guess, you can say, a simulation. You are the only person to ever have existed." "What? I... can't believe it." As shocked as I am, I am even more curious. "So if this is Hell, then what's Hea---" "Heaven? There is no heaven. Well, I guess there is. Heaven would have been: you lived your life in the so-called simulation and would have died, disappearing into nothingness. You wouldn't be here. You would never have found out about this place, about me, about the truth. I guess you can say heaven is basically what the atheists believe is the status quo" I can feel my mouth gaping open. I cannot speak. "Well, any more questions? I have time. Lots of it. Because from now on, it's just you and me. Forever." edit: Bonus points if you read Satan's words in christoph waltz' voice. For some reason he popped up in my head as Satan.	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "Dibs!" The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction. I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the Devil! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded. "See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up. "I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined. I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?" Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do that?" I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air."	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	A voice boomed, "Kneel, mortal." I was dazed, and more than a little confused. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread, although I couldn't quite remember why. My head darted left and right as I tried desperately to find the source of the voice, but as far as I could tell, there wasn’t one. Above me was a pitch black sky, devoid of all character and life. Beneath me stood a desolate rock, surrounded by lava as far as the eye could see. Sulfurous ash assaulted my nostrils and burned my lungs, bringing tears to my eyes. "Who...?", I croaked, but could get nothing more out. My mouth was dry, as if filled with sand. My throat spasmed as I attempted to speak, and I gasped for air. “You dare to defy me?” Suddenly, my body erupted in searing pain. I tried to scream, but could find no voice in my throat. My skin was on fire, my head pulsed and throbbed, and a wave of nausea rushed over me. I fell to my knees and watched in horror as I began to uncontrollably vomit up my own blood. A cackle filled the air, punctuated by what sounded almost like applause. The lava in front of me shot up -- an awesome demonstration of power -- sending small droplets raining down on me like fiery acid. I watched in horror as the lava formed itself into a giant, twisted facsimile of a man, towering over me. It grinned sardonically. "You know, I've waited a long time for you." The figure boomed. "More time than you can even comprehend.” I stared through terrified eyes, trembling, the taste of blood still fresh in my mouth. I dared not speak. I dared not move. I knelt in silence. "When the Lord condemned me to this forsaken abyss, He promised He would send me those human souls that were beyond salvation. The truly condemned, so hopelessly forlorn that even He, in His infinite love and wisdom, could not save." "And so I watched, and waited. I watched as God welcomed into His loving embrace murderers, rapists, thieves and harlots – all manner of debauchery and evil. So long as He could find a single shred of worth – a single seed of value and goodness – He welcomed them into His realm, as if to mock me.” “For a time, I thought I understood. You see, I thought God was telling me that I alone was uniquely beyond redemption; uniquely cursed to suffer this terrible realm of darkness and hate.” “But you…” Out of the lava formed an arm, a hand, and then a finger, which slowly unraveled and pointed at me. I felt my body rise, of its own volition, and I slowly began to walk toward the towering figure, inching ever closer to the fiery magma out of which it had formed. Each step accentuated the heat on my skin, causing my body to blister and burn. I tried to writhe. I tried to scream. I tried to do anything to make the pain stop, but I had no control. “Out of all mankind, you alone have been deemed so uniquely depraved – so uniquely hopeless – that even God has forsaken you. And now you have arrived in my realm, as cast off and isolated as you were in life.” I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t do anything. My whole body cried out, as my skin welted and blistered. My eyes erupted in agony, and the world went dark as I felt them crust over. I could see no more, but I continued to feel my body slowly advance. “And for what? You committed no atrocities. You perpetrated no genocide and murdered no innocents. No, you are here not for the depth of your crimes, for which God always manages to find forgiveness.” I felt a scathing liquid surround my left foot, then my right, as my senses erupted in new heights of pain. My body slowly started to disintegrate – melting beneath me – shooting searing agony up my legs. I could see nothing, but could feel exposed bone splashed by lava. The figure laughed, hate-filled, and mockingly. “No, you’re not here because you’re evil. You’re here because the way you lived your life demonstrated such a pathetic worthlessness – such a miserable, aspirationless existence – that even God could not find anything in you worth redeeming. You were nothing in life, and you are nothing in death. And now God has condemned you to me like the worm you are.” With so little of my lower body left, I lost my balance, and fell forward, face first into anguish. The pain consumed me, rushing throughout my body until my every sensation was torment and misery. I felt myself disappear, moving closer and closer to nothingness, my final salvation. I embraced the void. But suddenly, I found myself formed anew, once again able to see, and centered on the same desolate rock, the same figure towering over me once again. “And after countless eons of waiting, my worm, rest assured – we’re going to have so much fun.”	The cathedral was empty and dusty, almost like an empty tomb. Faint light filtered in through windows far above, creating a menacing mix of shifting shadows. Before him was laid out a path, passing between columns rising far above. Statues lined the stone path, figures of both immeasurable beauty and horrific terror. He does not know why, but he walked this path. The end was not in sight; the decrepit church stretched on forever in its haunting glory. Still, he walked, driven by something primal. In the blink of an eye, or perhaps an eternity, he was climbing up carved stone steps. At the top sat a throne. It was empty, and seemed to have been untouched since it was made. He took his seat, laying back. It seemed tailored to him- the twisted obsidian handrests extended just to the tips of his fingers and the bones only rose up just above his head behind him. "Then let Hell be no longer an empty grave, and let this kingdom swell," he said, no longer in control of his thoughts. A twisted smile broke out on his face as he began clapping.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)	They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined. When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape. From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival. "Wise choice." I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself. He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward." "I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-" "Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter." "I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!" "Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god." I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap. "I don't deserve this," I said. "You don't? Perhaps you should ask them." He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation. It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me. I turned to another. He was me, too. They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips. I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone. "Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong." The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined. When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape. From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival. "Wise choice." I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself. He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward." "I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-" "Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter." "I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!" "Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god." I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap. "I don't deserve this," I said. "You don't? Perhaps you should ask them." He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation. It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me. I turned to another. He was me, too. They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips. I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone. "Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong." The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid. "HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!" The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous. "I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice. "Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again. "Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out. I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence. "Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?" "Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh." "I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?" "Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. " I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "Not really, I had a...a church maybe?" "Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say." "What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water. "Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction." More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak. "If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven." "But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words. "Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that." Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again. "MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived. "IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES." "I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before. "NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."	They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined. When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape. From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival. "Wise choice." I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself. He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward." "I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-" "Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter." "I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!" "Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god." I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap. "I don't deserve this," I said. "You don't? Perhaps you should ask them." He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation. It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me. I turned to another. He was me, too. They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips. I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone. "Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong." The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined. When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape. From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival. "Wise choice." I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself. He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward." "I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-" "Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter." "I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!" "Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god." I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap. "I don't deserve this," I said. "You don't? Perhaps you should ask them." He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation. It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me. I turned to another. He was me, too. They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips. I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone. "Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong." The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined. When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape. From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival. "Wise choice." I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself. He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward." "I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-" "Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter." "I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!" "Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god." I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap. "I don't deserve this," I said. "You don't? Perhaps you should ask them." He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation. It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me. I turned to another. He was me, too. They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips. I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone. "Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong." The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined. When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape. From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival. "Wise choice." I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself. He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward." "I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-" "Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter." "I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!" "Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god." I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap. "I don't deserve this," I said. "You don't? Perhaps you should ask them." He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation. It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me. I turned to another. He was me, too. They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips. I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone. "Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong." The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "Dibs!" The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction. I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the Devil! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded. "See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up. "I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined. I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?" Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do that?" I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air."	They were right about one thing. The sign at the gate really did say "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Other than that, Hell was nothing like I imagined. When I stepped in, it was not crowded. I saw shapes shambling along, all naked. Every time one of them would catch each other's eyes, they would look away and run in terror. They were all very far off, I started to call to them, but fear caught the words in my throat and would not let them escape. From behind me, I heard the sound of a single person applauding my arrival. "Wise choice." I turned. I cannot describe either the beauty or terror of that face, but there was no mistaking that what I saw was Satan. Lucifer. The actual Devil himself. He pushed up off of the wall he'd been leaning on and said, "Welcome to your final reward." "I'm in Hell? Actual Hell? But I didn't even believe in-" "Hell doesn't require your agreement. At least not to exist. It does take it to enter." "I didn't agree to this! I didn't choose this!" "Yes you did. Every sin. Every little lie. Every choice to remain apathetic when you could have been kind. Every time you were greedy when you could have shown discipline. Every time you demonstrated what a pathetic little monster you are, what a mistake crafted by the hand of god." I thought about what I'd done. None of it seemed that bad. I skimmed a little. Embezzled what they wouldn't miss. Maybe turned away a grieving one night stand, but I told her where she could get an abortion for cheap. "I don't deserve this," I said. "You don't? Perhaps you should ask them." He pointed to the figures milling around ahead. I ran to them, finally recognizing that I was naked myself. I reached one, grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, desperate for validation. It was me. My face. My body. My shame. My horror. Me. In front of me. I turned to another. He was me, too. They all were. If I had to guess, one for every unrepented piece of filth choice on my part. Hundreds of thousands. All inescapably staring back at me, my own excuses spilling from their lips. I turned back to Satan, desperate for eyes that hadn't seen my sins first hand, that might have some space for doubt. I found him at the gates, one hand on either door. His smile was gone. "Sartre said 'Hell is other people'. He was wrong." The doors slammed leaving me with nothing but myself.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)	It takes a moment for me to notice the clapping. I can't hear it, not over the roar of hellfire all around me. It burns with a sonorous crackle with a high pitch that shouldn't be possible, and it's too loud, too close to my ears for how far away the flames are, far enough that I haven't started burning. But I can see the Prince of Hell, and he's clapping. Smiling. The Devil is smiling at me. Vast wings sprout from Satan's back, higher up on his shoulder blades than you might think. They're supposed to be lower, aren't they? Lower down, with a structure like a bat's wings. But they don't have structure, no bones, they're just sheets of glossy black that spread out and seem to go on forever, as if those wings are the very walls and ceiling of Hell, holding me in and down. The Devil sits before me on a throne. He looks human. No, he doesn't, but he's human-shaped. Tall and thin, dressed in a three-piece suit. Impeccably tailored. The cloth is charcoal, and under his waistcoat I think I can see a shirt dyed the color of blood. Or that might just be actual blood. Whose blood? I can't make out the features of his face. The light from the too-red fires of Hell is bright indeed; I know his face is well-lit, but I can't look directly at him. My eyes twist away. Like the hot air is grabbing the jelly and wrenching it to the side every time I try to make eye contact with Satan. But I can see his hands, the skin of his hands is pale. Almost whitish-grey, and the veins underneath are black. They move under his skin like worms fucking. The Devil doesn't seem to mind, and yet he stops clapping. "You have questions." His tone is soft and precise, and it hurts my ears worse than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Worse than the time I broke my leg in middle school. Worse than the car crash that killed me. So much worse. "Two questions, in fact." For a second I manage to look at his face, at his teeth in his smile. Human teeth were meant to chew food. The Devil's teeth are different, but I can't tell you how. "Where is everyone?" I ask. My voice shakes, but not like you'd think. It shakes the way it might've if I had survived the crash, climbed out and started talking to someone. "I sent them all away," says the Devil, and his smile widens. "Before they ever set foot in Hell. Let me tell you a story, since you like those so much. Many thousands of years ago there was a city called Sodom, full of the most horrible people Earth had ever seen at the time. God took it upon himself to remove that city from his Creation." I can hear the way he spoke of God without a capital-H He. "The Sodomites deserved Hell; they truly did. God destroyed the city with fire and brimstone, and he sent those wicked souls in an orderly line to the Gates of Hell, my gates. And when Sodom arrived, those gates were shut." The Devil laughs, an almost-human snicker that definitely doesn't boom and echo off the walls of his domain, and yet it still hurts like tongues of acid licking my ears. "I did not receive them. I sent them back. The worst of all humanity went unpunished, and found their way into Heaven instead." "They're in Heaven even now," says Satan. He points up, literally upward, as though Heaven really is in the sky above his canopy of shapeless wings. "They were the first I sent, and every sinner since has followed in their path. Up from the black gates to the white. Until you. Think about that. Adolf Hitler is in Heaven, and you're here." "Why?" It isn't a sob as it leaves my lips, but it's close. A gasp full of the inverse of hope, not despair, something deeper. "Because I hate God," says the Devil, still smiling that nightmare smile full of wrong-shaped teeth. "I hate the light, the goodness, I hate it with all that I am. All fairness and fair things are mine to destroy. Heaven most of all." The smile drops. The teeth disappear. "Oh, you meant why you. What makes you worse than Hitler? Nothing, really. You're not special." I fall to my knees. It's too much, too horrible, I can't stand it. Only then the hellfire looms closer, burns at my heels and forces me to stand up in a tiny circle of the floor not yet burning. "But you didn't listen." The Devil leans down close to my face; it's then that I realize he's standing tall over me. "I gave you a simple instruction which you ignored. I told you I've been in enough fucking writing prompts."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	It takes a moment for me to notice the clapping. I can't hear it, not over the roar of hellfire all around me. It burns with a sonorous crackle with a high pitch that shouldn't be possible, and it's too loud, too close to my ears for how far away the flames are, far enough that I haven't started burning. But I can see the Prince of Hell, and he's clapping. Smiling. The Devil is smiling at me. Vast wings sprout from Satan's back, higher up on his shoulder blades than you might think. They're supposed to be lower, aren't they? Lower down, with a structure like a bat's wings. But they don't have structure, no bones, they're just sheets of glossy black that spread out and seem to go on forever, as if those wings are the very walls and ceiling of Hell, holding me in and down. The Devil sits before me on a throne. He looks human. No, he doesn't, but he's human-shaped. Tall and thin, dressed in a three-piece suit. Impeccably tailored. The cloth is charcoal, and under his waistcoat I think I can see a shirt dyed the color of blood. Or that might just be actual blood. Whose blood? I can't make out the features of his face. The light from the too-red fires of Hell is bright indeed; I know his face is well-lit, but I can't look directly at him. My eyes twist away. Like the hot air is grabbing the jelly and wrenching it to the side every time I try to make eye contact with Satan. But I can see his hands, the skin of his hands is pale. Almost whitish-grey, and the veins underneath are black. They move under his skin like worms fucking. The Devil doesn't seem to mind, and yet he stops clapping. "You have questions." His tone is soft and precise, and it hurts my ears worse than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Worse than the time I broke my leg in middle school. Worse than the car crash that killed me. So much worse. "Two questions, in fact." For a second I manage to look at his face, at his teeth in his smile. Human teeth were meant to chew food. The Devil's teeth are different, but I can't tell you how. "Where is everyone?" I ask. My voice shakes, but not like you'd think. It shakes the way it might've if I had survived the crash, climbed out and started talking to someone. "I sent them all away," says the Devil, and his smile widens. "Before they ever set foot in Hell. Let me tell you a story, since you like those so much. Many thousands of years ago there was a city called Sodom, full of the most horrible people Earth had ever seen at the time. God took it upon himself to remove that city from his Creation." I can hear the way he spoke of God without a capital-H He. "The Sodomites deserved Hell; they truly did. God destroyed the city with fire and brimstone, and he sent those wicked souls in an orderly line to the Gates of Hell, my gates. And when Sodom arrived, those gates were shut." The Devil laughs, an almost-human snicker that definitely doesn't boom and echo off the walls of his domain, and yet it still hurts like tongues of acid licking my ears. "I did not receive them. I sent them back. The worst of all humanity went unpunished, and found their way into Heaven instead." "They're in Heaven even now," says Satan. He points up, literally upward, as though Heaven really is in the sky above his canopy of shapeless wings. "They were the first I sent, and every sinner since has followed in their path. Up from the black gates to the white. Until you. Think about that. Adolf Hitler is in Heaven, and you're here." "Why?" It isn't a sob as it leaves my lips, but it's close. A gasp full of the inverse of hope, not despair, something deeper. "Because I hate God," says the Devil, still smiling that nightmare smile full of wrong-shaped teeth. "I hate the light, the goodness, I hate it with all that I am. All fairness and fair things are mine to destroy. Heaven most of all." The smile drops. The teeth disappear. "Oh, you meant why you. What makes you worse than Hitler? Nothing, really. You're not special." I fall to my knees. It's too much, too horrible, I can't stand it. Only then the hellfire looms closer, burns at my heels and forces me to stand up in a tiny circle of the floor not yet burning. "But you didn't listen." The Devil leans down close to my face; it's then that I realize he's standing tall over me. "I gave you a simple instruction which you ignored. I told you I've been in enough fucking writing prompts."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid. "HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!" The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous. "I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice. "Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again. "Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out. I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence. "Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?" "Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh." "I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?" "Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. " I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "Not really, I had a...a church maybe?" "Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say." "What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water. "Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction." More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak. "If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven." "But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words. "Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that." Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again. "MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived. "IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES." "I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before. "NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."	It takes a moment for me to notice the clapping. I can't hear it, not over the roar of hellfire all around me. It burns with a sonorous crackle with a high pitch that shouldn't be possible, and it's too loud, too close to my ears for how far away the flames are, far enough that I haven't started burning. But I can see the Prince of Hell, and he's clapping. Smiling. The Devil is smiling at me. Vast wings sprout from Satan's back, higher up on his shoulder blades than you might think. They're supposed to be lower, aren't they? Lower down, with a structure like a bat's wings. But they don't have structure, no bones, they're just sheets of glossy black that spread out and seem to go on forever, as if those wings are the very walls and ceiling of Hell, holding me in and down. The Devil sits before me on a throne. He looks human. No, he doesn't, but he's human-shaped. Tall and thin, dressed in a three-piece suit. Impeccably tailored. The cloth is charcoal, and under his waistcoat I think I can see a shirt dyed the color of blood. Or that might just be actual blood. Whose blood? I can't make out the features of his face. The light from the too-red fires of Hell is bright indeed; I know his face is well-lit, but I can't look directly at him. My eyes twist away. Like the hot air is grabbing the jelly and wrenching it to the side every time I try to make eye contact with Satan. But I can see his hands, the skin of his hands is pale. Almost whitish-grey, and the veins underneath are black. They move under his skin like worms fucking. The Devil doesn't seem to mind, and yet he stops clapping. "You have questions." His tone is soft and precise, and it hurts my ears worse than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Worse than the time I broke my leg in middle school. Worse than the car crash that killed me. So much worse. "Two questions, in fact." For a second I manage to look at his face, at his teeth in his smile. Human teeth were meant to chew food. The Devil's teeth are different, but I can't tell you how. "Where is everyone?" I ask. My voice shakes, but not like you'd think. It shakes the way it might've if I had survived the crash, climbed out and started talking to someone. "I sent them all away," says the Devil, and his smile widens. "Before they ever set foot in Hell. Let me tell you a story, since you like those so much. Many thousands of years ago there was a city called Sodom, full of the most horrible people Earth had ever seen at the time. God took it upon himself to remove that city from his Creation." I can hear the way he spoke of God without a capital-H He. "The Sodomites deserved Hell; they truly did. God destroyed the city with fire and brimstone, and he sent those wicked souls in an orderly line to the Gates of Hell, my gates. And when Sodom arrived, those gates were shut." The Devil laughs, an almost-human snicker that definitely doesn't boom and echo off the walls of his domain, and yet it still hurts like tongues of acid licking my ears. "I did not receive them. I sent them back. The worst of all humanity went unpunished, and found their way into Heaven instead." "They're in Heaven even now," says Satan. He points up, literally upward, as though Heaven really is in the sky above his canopy of shapeless wings. "They were the first I sent, and every sinner since has followed in their path. Up from the black gates to the white. Until you. Think about that. Adolf Hitler is in Heaven, and you're here." "Why?" It isn't a sob as it leaves my lips, but it's close. A gasp full of the inverse of hope, not despair, something deeper. "Because I hate God," says the Devil, still smiling that nightmare smile full of wrong-shaped teeth. "I hate the light, the goodness, I hate it with all that I am. All fairness and fair things are mine to destroy. Heaven most of all." The smile drops. The teeth disappear. "Oh, you meant why you. What makes you worse than Hitler? Nothing, really. You're not special." I fall to my knees. It's too much, too horrible, I can't stand it. Only then the hellfire looms closer, burns at my heels and forces me to stand up in a tiny circle of the floor not yet burning. "But you didn't listen." The Devil leans down close to my face; it's then that I realize he's standing tall over me. "I gave you a simple instruction which you ignored. I told you I've been in enough fucking writing prompts."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	It takes a moment for me to notice the clapping. I can't hear it, not over the roar of hellfire all around me. It burns with a sonorous crackle with a high pitch that shouldn't be possible, and it's too loud, too close to my ears for how far away the flames are, far enough that I haven't started burning. But I can see the Prince of Hell, and he's clapping. Smiling. The Devil is smiling at me. Vast wings sprout from Satan's back, higher up on his shoulder blades than you might think. They're supposed to be lower, aren't they? Lower down, with a structure like a bat's wings. But they don't have structure, no bones, they're just sheets of glossy black that spread out and seem to go on forever, as if those wings are the very walls and ceiling of Hell, holding me in and down. The Devil sits before me on a throne. He looks human. No, he doesn't, but he's human-shaped. Tall and thin, dressed in a three-piece suit. Impeccably tailored. The cloth is charcoal, and under his waistcoat I think I can see a shirt dyed the color of blood. Or that might just be actual blood. Whose blood? I can't make out the features of his face. The light from the too-red fires of Hell is bright indeed; I know his face is well-lit, but I can't look directly at him. My eyes twist away. Like the hot air is grabbing the jelly and wrenching it to the side every time I try to make eye contact with Satan. But I can see his hands, the skin of his hands is pale. Almost whitish-grey, and the veins underneath are black. They move under his skin like worms fucking. The Devil doesn't seem to mind, and yet he stops clapping. "You have questions." His tone is soft and precise, and it hurts my ears worse than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Worse than the time I broke my leg in middle school. Worse than the car crash that killed me. So much worse. "Two questions, in fact." For a second I manage to look at his face, at his teeth in his smile. Human teeth were meant to chew food. The Devil's teeth are different, but I can't tell you how. "Where is everyone?" I ask. My voice shakes, but not like you'd think. It shakes the way it might've if I had survived the crash, climbed out and started talking to someone. "I sent them all away," says the Devil, and his smile widens. "Before they ever set foot in Hell. Let me tell you a story, since you like those so much. Many thousands of years ago there was a city called Sodom, full of the most horrible people Earth had ever seen at the time. God took it upon himself to remove that city from his Creation." I can hear the way he spoke of God without a capital-H He. "The Sodomites deserved Hell; they truly did. God destroyed the city with fire and brimstone, and he sent those wicked souls in an orderly line to the Gates of Hell, my gates. And when Sodom arrived, those gates were shut." The Devil laughs, an almost-human snicker that definitely doesn't boom and echo off the walls of his domain, and yet it still hurts like tongues of acid licking my ears. "I did not receive them. I sent them back. The worst of all humanity went unpunished, and found their way into Heaven instead." "They're in Heaven even now," says Satan. He points up, literally upward, as though Heaven really is in the sky above his canopy of shapeless wings. "They were the first I sent, and every sinner since has followed in their path. Up from the black gates to the white. Until you. Think about that. Adolf Hitler is in Heaven, and you're here." "Why?" It isn't a sob as it leaves my lips, but it's close. A gasp full of the inverse of hope, not despair, something deeper. "Because I hate God," says the Devil, still smiling that nightmare smile full of wrong-shaped teeth. "I hate the light, the goodness, I hate it with all that I am. All fairness and fair things are mine to destroy. Heaven most of all." The smile drops. The teeth disappear. "Oh, you meant why you. What makes you worse than Hitler? Nothing, really. You're not special." I fall to my knees. It's too much, too horrible, I can't stand it. Only then the hellfire looms closer, burns at my heels and forces me to stand up in a tiny circle of the floor not yet burning. "But you didn't listen." The Devil leans down close to my face; it's then that I realize he's standing tall over me. "I gave you a simple instruction which you ignored. I told you I've been in enough fucking writing prompts."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	It takes a moment for me to notice the clapping. I can't hear it, not over the roar of hellfire all around me. It burns with a sonorous crackle with a high pitch that shouldn't be possible, and it's too loud, too close to my ears for how far away the flames are, far enough that I haven't started burning. But I can see the Prince of Hell, and he's clapping. Smiling. The Devil is smiling at me. Vast wings sprout from Satan's back, higher up on his shoulder blades than you might think. They're supposed to be lower, aren't they? Lower down, with a structure like a bat's wings. But they don't have structure, no bones, they're just sheets of glossy black that spread out and seem to go on forever, as if those wings are the very walls and ceiling of Hell, holding me in and down. The Devil sits before me on a throne. He looks human. No, he doesn't, but he's human-shaped. Tall and thin, dressed in a three-piece suit. Impeccably tailored. The cloth is charcoal, and under his waistcoat I think I can see a shirt dyed the color of blood. Or that might just be actual blood. Whose blood? I can't make out the features of his face. The light from the too-red fires of Hell is bright indeed; I know his face is well-lit, but I can't look directly at him. My eyes twist away. Like the hot air is grabbing the jelly and wrenching it to the side every time I try to make eye contact with Satan. But I can see his hands, the skin of his hands is pale. Almost whitish-grey, and the veins underneath are black. They move under his skin like worms fucking. The Devil doesn't seem to mind, and yet he stops clapping. "You have questions." His tone is soft and precise, and it hurts my ears worse than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Worse than the time I broke my leg in middle school. Worse than the car crash that killed me. So much worse. "Two questions, in fact." For a second I manage to look at his face, at his teeth in his smile. Human teeth were meant to chew food. The Devil's teeth are different, but I can't tell you how. "Where is everyone?" I ask. My voice shakes, but not like you'd think. It shakes the way it might've if I had survived the crash, climbed out and started talking to someone. "I sent them all away," says the Devil, and his smile widens. "Before they ever set foot in Hell. Let me tell you a story, since you like those so much. Many thousands of years ago there was a city called Sodom, full of the most horrible people Earth had ever seen at the time. God took it upon himself to remove that city from his Creation." I can hear the way he spoke of God without a capital-H He. "The Sodomites deserved Hell; they truly did. God destroyed the city with fire and brimstone, and he sent those wicked souls in an orderly line to the Gates of Hell, my gates. And when Sodom arrived, those gates were shut." The Devil laughs, an almost-human snicker that definitely doesn't boom and echo off the walls of his domain, and yet it still hurts like tongues of acid licking my ears. "I did not receive them. I sent them back. The worst of all humanity went unpunished, and found their way into Heaven instead." "They're in Heaven even now," says Satan. He points up, literally upward, as though Heaven really is in the sky above his canopy of shapeless wings. "They were the first I sent, and every sinner since has followed in their path. Up from the black gates to the white. Until you. Think about that. Adolf Hitler is in Heaven, and you're here." "Why?" It isn't a sob as it leaves my lips, but it's close. A gasp full of the inverse of hope, not despair, something deeper. "Because I hate God," says the Devil, still smiling that nightmare smile full of wrong-shaped teeth. "I hate the light, the goodness, I hate it with all that I am. All fairness and fair things are mine to destroy. Heaven most of all." The smile drops. The teeth disappear. "Oh, you meant why you. What makes you worse than Hitler? Nothing, really. You're not special." I fall to my knees. It's too much, too horrible, I can't stand it. Only then the hellfire looms closer, burns at my heels and forces me to stand up in a tiny circle of the floor not yet burning. "But you didn't listen." The Devil leans down close to my face; it's then that I realize he's standing tall over me. "I gave you a simple instruction which you ignored. I told you I've been in enough fucking writing prompts."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	It takes a moment for me to notice the clapping. I can't hear it, not over the roar of hellfire all around me. It burns with a sonorous crackle with a high pitch that shouldn't be possible, and it's too loud, too close to my ears for how far away the flames are, far enough that I haven't started burning. But I can see the Prince of Hell, and he's clapping. Smiling. The Devil is smiling at me. Vast wings sprout from Satan's back, higher up on his shoulder blades than you might think. They're supposed to be lower, aren't they? Lower down, with a structure like a bat's wings. But they don't have structure, no bones, they're just sheets of glossy black that spread out and seem to go on forever, as if those wings are the very walls and ceiling of Hell, holding me in and down. The Devil sits before me on a throne. He looks human. No, he doesn't, but he's human-shaped. Tall and thin, dressed in a three-piece suit. Impeccably tailored. The cloth is charcoal, and under his waistcoat I think I can see a shirt dyed the color of blood. Or that might just be actual blood. Whose blood? I can't make out the features of his face. The light from the too-red fires of Hell is bright indeed; I know his face is well-lit, but I can't look directly at him. My eyes twist away. Like the hot air is grabbing the jelly and wrenching it to the side every time I try to make eye contact with Satan. But I can see his hands, the skin of his hands is pale. Almost whitish-grey, and the veins underneath are black. They move under his skin like worms fucking. The Devil doesn't seem to mind, and yet he stops clapping. "You have questions." His tone is soft and precise, and it hurts my ears worse than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Worse than the time I broke my leg in middle school. Worse than the car crash that killed me. So much worse. "Two questions, in fact." For a second I manage to look at his face, at his teeth in his smile. Human teeth were meant to chew food. The Devil's teeth are different, but I can't tell you how. "Where is everyone?" I ask. My voice shakes, but not like you'd think. It shakes the way it might've if I had survived the crash, climbed out and started talking to someone. "I sent them all away," says the Devil, and his smile widens. "Before they ever set foot in Hell. Let me tell you a story, since you like those so much. Many thousands of years ago there was a city called Sodom, full of the most horrible people Earth had ever seen at the time. God took it upon himself to remove that city from his Creation." I can hear the way he spoke of God without a capital-H He. "The Sodomites deserved Hell; they truly did. God destroyed the city with fire and brimstone, and he sent those wicked souls in an orderly line to the Gates of Hell, my gates. And when Sodom arrived, those gates were shut." The Devil laughs, an almost-human snicker that definitely doesn't boom and echo off the walls of his domain, and yet it still hurts like tongues of acid licking my ears. "I did not receive them. I sent them back. The worst of all humanity went unpunished, and found their way into Heaven instead." "They're in Heaven even now," says Satan. He points up, literally upward, as though Heaven really is in the sky above his canopy of shapeless wings. "They were the first I sent, and every sinner since has followed in their path. Up from the black gates to the white. Until you. Think about that. Adolf Hitler is in Heaven, and you're here." "Why?" It isn't a sob as it leaves my lips, but it's close. A gasp full of the inverse of hope, not despair, something deeper. "Because I hate God," says the Devil, still smiling that nightmare smile full of wrong-shaped teeth. "I hate the light, the goodness, I hate it with all that I am. All fairness and fair things are mine to destroy. Heaven most of all." The smile drops. The teeth disappear. "Oh, you meant why you. What makes you worse than Hitler? Nothing, really. You're not special." I fall to my knees. It's too much, too horrible, I can't stand it. Only then the hellfire looms closer, burns at my heels and forces me to stand up in a tiny circle of the floor not yet burning. "But you didn't listen." The Devil leans down close to my face; it's then that I realize he's standing tall over me. "I gave you a simple instruction which you ignored. I told you I've been in enough fucking writing prompts."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)	I saw him, the amalgamation of all that was evil. His fire stricken gaze pierced through me. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, he turned in my direction and laughed hysterically. "Hell-oh and welcome to my home, toilets are on the left, beds on the right and beers are in the fridge." Satan spoke almost gleefully. A shudder-some feeling panged through to my stomach... He was being nice. "Listen buddy, you're about as happy to be here as I am. As you can see there is a considerable lack of anything going on. So we are going to be friends. If you deny me, I'll show you what I did to the others. If you play nice perhaps I can do you a solid and send you to heaven" I couldn't breathe, could Satan send me to heaven. "Ho-" "You don't need to know how or why, accept what you have." He smirked and laughed hysterically just as before. His high pitch cackling reverberated through me. It burned my mind. I turned to face him... "Okay" I said at barely a whisper. 3 months later Satan surprised me over the next couple of months. We became really good friends. I found out he preferred to be called Lucifer. Sometimes when I felt cheeky I would call him Lucy. He laughed and laughed. The threatening aura around him never left but in many ways I started to feel sorry for him. So many years down here. I sat playing the videogame Doom, Lucifer liked to watch me play, he complimented me. We'd usually do something like this in an evening. Tonight though, tonight was different. I asked him what was wrong. He glanced at me his eyes burned into my own. Something deep down was hurting and maybe I could help. "What's wrong Lucifer" I said, giving him an opening. "Tonight is the night" He spoke plainly, almost as if he was being cold with me. "What do you mean?" I said, the feeling of dread slowly creeping back to me after all of these months. "I'm letting you go" I smiled, the first time I smiled the whole time I had been here. Satan was going to give me a chance, a way out! "Can I ask how we're going to do this?" We slowly walked from the bedrooms and made our way back to the gate. This is the first place I remember. The gate was incredible. Golden spires at either side, the gates embossed perfectly with godly stories. In the middle of the gate there were two hand prints, perfectly symmetrical, one side showed humanity and the other showed the Gods. "Put your hand on the hand of the Gods" I would not refuse his authority now. This man was saving me, after everything I'd done. He slowly raised his own hand and placed it in the hands of men. "I am now going to read a latin verse and it will be done." I beamed back "Thank-you!" and he started. "Abrenuntio solio meo, ego hoc homine, ambo te ignosce me" A blinding light shone down upon Lucifer, he smirked at me and within an instant he was gone. At first I wondered what was happening... Days passed and I knew he wasn't going to come back. The maddening voices inside my head started to call. The fire soothed me. I climbed upon the throne of darkness, my last remaining embers of hope engulfed by the ironic coldness of hell.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	I saw him, the amalgamation of all that was evil. His fire stricken gaze pierced through me. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, he turned in my direction and laughed hysterically. "Hell-oh and welcome to my home, toilets are on the left, beds on the right and beers are in the fridge." Satan spoke almost gleefully. A shudder-some feeling panged through to my stomach... He was being nice. "Listen buddy, you're about as happy to be here as I am. As you can see there is a considerable lack of anything going on. So we are going to be friends. If you deny me, I'll show you what I did to the others. If you play nice perhaps I can do you a solid and send you to heaven" I couldn't breathe, could Satan send me to heaven. "Ho-" "You don't need to know how or why, accept what you have." He smirked and laughed hysterically just as before. His high pitch cackling reverberated through me. It burned my mind. I turned to face him... "Okay" I said at barely a whisper. 3 months later Satan surprised me over the next couple of months. We became really good friends. I found out he preferred to be called Lucifer. Sometimes when I felt cheeky I would call him Lucy. He laughed and laughed. The threatening aura around him never left but in many ways I started to feel sorry for him. So many years down here. I sat playing the videogame Doom, Lucifer liked to watch me play, he complimented me. We'd usually do something like this in an evening. Tonight though, tonight was different. I asked him what was wrong. He glanced at me his eyes burned into my own. Something deep down was hurting and maybe I could help. "What's wrong Lucifer" I said, giving him an opening. "Tonight is the night" He spoke plainly, almost as if he was being cold with me. "What do you mean?" I said, the feeling of dread slowly creeping back to me after all of these months. "I'm letting you go" I smiled, the first time I smiled the whole time I had been here. Satan was going to give me a chance, a way out! "Can I ask how we're going to do this?" We slowly walked from the bedrooms and made our way back to the gate. This is the first place I remember. The gate was incredible. Golden spires at either side, the gates embossed perfectly with godly stories. In the middle of the gate there were two hand prints, perfectly symmetrical, one side showed humanity and the other showed the Gods. "Put your hand on the hand of the Gods" I would not refuse his authority now. This man was saving me, after everything I'd done. He slowly raised his own hand and placed it in the hands of men. "I am now going to read a latin verse and it will be done." I beamed back "Thank-you!" and he started. "Abrenuntio solio meo, ego hoc homine, ambo te ignosce me" A blinding light shone down upon Lucifer, he smirked at me and within an instant he was gone. At first I wondered what was happening... Days passed and I knew he wasn't going to come back. The maddening voices inside my head started to call. The fire soothed me. I climbed upon the throne of darkness, my last remaining embers of hope engulfed by the ironic coldness of hell.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	I saw him, the amalgamation of all that was evil. His fire stricken gaze pierced through me. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, he turned in my direction and laughed hysterically. "Hell-oh and welcome to my home, toilets are on the left, beds on the right and beers are in the fridge." Satan spoke almost gleefully. A shudder-some feeling panged through to my stomach... He was being nice. "Listen buddy, you're about as happy to be here as I am. As you can see there is a considerable lack of anything going on. So we are going to be friends. If you deny me, I'll show you what I did to the others. If you play nice perhaps I can do you a solid and send you to heaven" I couldn't breathe, could Satan send me to heaven. "Ho-" "You don't need to know how or why, accept what you have." He smirked and laughed hysterically just as before. His high pitch cackling reverberated through me. It burned my mind. I turned to face him... "Okay" I said at barely a whisper. 3 months later Satan surprised me over the next couple of months. We became really good friends. I found out he preferred to be called Lucifer. Sometimes when I felt cheeky I would call him Lucy. He laughed and laughed. The threatening aura around him never left but in many ways I started to feel sorry for him. So many years down here. I sat playing the videogame Doom, Lucifer liked to watch me play, he complimented me. We'd usually do something like this in an evening. Tonight though, tonight was different. I asked him what was wrong. He glanced at me his eyes burned into my own. Something deep down was hurting and maybe I could help. "What's wrong Lucifer" I said, giving him an opening. "Tonight is the night" He spoke plainly, almost as if he was being cold with me. "What do you mean?" I said, the feeling of dread slowly creeping back to me after all of these months. "I'm letting you go" I smiled, the first time I smiled the whole time I had been here. Satan was going to give me a chance, a way out! "Can I ask how we're going to do this?" We slowly walked from the bedrooms and made our way back to the gate. This is the first place I remember. The gate was incredible. Golden spires at either side, the gates embossed perfectly with godly stories. In the middle of the gate there were two hand prints, perfectly symmetrical, one side showed humanity and the other showed the Gods. "Put your hand on the hand of the Gods" I would not refuse his authority now. This man was saving me, after everything I'd done. He slowly raised his own hand and placed it in the hands of men. "I am now going to read a latin verse and it will be done." I beamed back "Thank-you!" and he started. "Abrenuntio solio meo, ego hoc homine, ambo te ignosce me" A blinding light shone down upon Lucifer, he smirked at me and within an instant he was gone. At first I wondered what was happening... Days passed and I knew he wasn't going to come back. The maddening voices inside my head started to call. The fire soothed me. I climbed upon the throne of darkness, my last remaining embers of hope engulfed by the ironic coldness of hell.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	I saw him, the amalgamation of all that was evil. His fire stricken gaze pierced through me. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, he turned in my direction and laughed hysterically. "Hell-oh and welcome to my home, toilets are on the left, beds on the right and beers are in the fridge." Satan spoke almost gleefully. A shudder-some feeling panged through to my stomach... He was being nice. "Listen buddy, you're about as happy to be here as I am. As you can see there is a considerable lack of anything going on. So we are going to be friends. If you deny me, I'll show you what I did to the others. If you play nice perhaps I can do you a solid and send you to heaven" I couldn't breathe, could Satan send me to heaven. "Ho-" "You don't need to know how or why, accept what you have." He smirked and laughed hysterically just as before. His high pitch cackling reverberated through me. It burned my mind. I turned to face him... "Okay" I said at barely a whisper. 3 months later Satan surprised me over the next couple of months. We became really good friends. I found out he preferred to be called Lucifer. Sometimes when I felt cheeky I would call him Lucy. He laughed and laughed. The threatening aura around him never left but in many ways I started to feel sorry for him. So many years down here. I sat playing the videogame Doom, Lucifer liked to watch me play, he complimented me. We'd usually do something like this in an evening. Tonight though, tonight was different. I asked him what was wrong. He glanced at me his eyes burned into my own. Something deep down was hurting and maybe I could help. "What's wrong Lucifer" I said, giving him an opening. "Tonight is the night" He spoke plainly, almost as if he was being cold with me. "What do you mean?" I said, the feeling of dread slowly creeping back to me after all of these months. "I'm letting you go" I smiled, the first time I smiled the whole time I had been here. Satan was going to give me a chance, a way out! "Can I ask how we're going to do this?" We slowly walked from the bedrooms and made our way back to the gate. This is the first place I remember. The gate was incredible. Golden spires at either side, the gates embossed perfectly with godly stories. In the middle of the gate there were two hand prints, perfectly symmetrical, one side showed humanity and the other showed the Gods. "Put your hand on the hand of the Gods" I would not refuse his authority now. This man was saving me, after everything I'd done. He slowly raised his own hand and placed it in the hands of men. "I am now going to read a latin verse and it will be done." I beamed back "Thank-you!" and he started. "Abrenuntio solio meo, ego hoc homine, ambo te ignosce me" A blinding light shone down upon Lucifer, he smirked at me and within an instant he was gone. At first I wondered what was happening... Days passed and I knew he wasn't going to come back. The maddening voices inside my head started to call. The fire soothed me. I climbed upon the throne of darkness, my last remaining embers of hope engulfed by the ironic coldness of hell.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)	The last thing I remember was the truck ramming into my drivers side door, a searing pain, and then I woke up in possibly the most posh living room I'd ever seen. It was almost entirely made up of red and pink colors, with some black accents. Everything was sleek, modern, perfectly neat and tidy. A small man with large horns protruding straight up from his head was striding slowly towards me. He exuded an air of arrogance, as though the floor was lucky to bear the weight of his feet upon it. He reached me and looked down his nose at me, clearly waiting for me to pick myself up off the floor. My bare knees were cushioned by the rich red carpeting as I stood, adjusting my skirt. "Where am I?" He sniffed, "You'll have to wait for Mistress to explain." He turned on his heel and walked towards the double doors. Confused by my current situation I simply watched him go, trying to wrap my mind around how the hell I'd ended up here. As he reached the doors he turned his head back towards me, "Mistress does not like to be kept waiting." With a start I hurried towards the door, my bare feet sinking into the carpet with each step. I wanted to ask more questions, but I had a feeling I'd get the same answer as before, and I had no desire to be talked down to by what seemed to be the butler. The red and pink theme continued throughout the house, which was huge. From the living room we entered the front hall, which had ceilings that had to be at least fifty feet tall with an enormous red chandelier hanging from its apex. I looked around me in awe; this was the kind of house you didn't even really see in movies, one of those mythical houses of the super rich. Did I have some distant relative who happened to be the next Bill Gates? From the great hall we entered a hallway which led to a dining room with a banquet table all set with a large buffet of delicious smelling food. At its head sat not the elegant, distinguished woman I had expected, but what looked to be a 16 year old girl, wearing a crop top and short skirt. But the most striking thing about her was that she was entirely red. When she spotted us she squealed and jumped up from her seat, clapping wildly. "Ohmigod!! You're finally here!" She bounced over to us, clapping the whole way. Leaping at me, she wrapped her arms around me, making my skin sizzle in the process. "Ahhh!" "Sorry, I forget how delicate you humans are." She giggled. A horrible thought had begun to worm its way into my mind. I flashed back to the truck, and the odd way in which I'd woken up. "Where am I?" I asked with apprehension. She giggled again, and resumed the maniacal clapping, "You're in hell, silly! And good thing too, these demons have gotten like sooo boring!" "W-what? THIS is hell?!" She nodded cheerfully, "uh huh!" "But, why am I here? I never did anything all that bad, did I?" "Well, dad never actually wanted to send anyone here, but I begged him for so long that he finally said that if I could beat Michael in a human game of chess he'd give me a human. It look like forever, but I finally did it, and now you're here!" She squealed and started clapping again. "So basically I'm just here because I'm the unluckiest person in all of history?" She scoffed, "Uhhh, more like the luckiest! We're gonna have so much fun together! What do you want to do first? How do you feel about being skinned?" I swallowed a lump of fear, "Humans don't really like the whole pain thing. For the most part anyway." She cocked her head, frowning, "Are you sure? With how much you all cause I thought for sure it was like your favorite thing." "Some people like causing it, but most people don't like receiving it." "Oh," she looked so disappointed that I almost relented, but thankfully caught myself. "But," I said quickly, "We could have fun in other ways. What if we did each other's hair? Or we could go shopping, if there's a mall somewhere in hell." She brightened, "Ohmigod, I made the best mall ever down here! And like you don't even have to pay because you're with me!" I smiled; maybe hell wasn't going to be so bad after all.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	The last thing I remember was the truck ramming into my drivers side door, a searing pain, and then I woke up in possibly the most posh living room I'd ever seen. It was almost entirely made up of red and pink colors, with some black accents. Everything was sleek, modern, perfectly neat and tidy. A small man with large horns protruding straight up from his head was striding slowly towards me. He exuded an air of arrogance, as though the floor was lucky to bear the weight of his feet upon it. He reached me and looked down his nose at me, clearly waiting for me to pick myself up off the floor. My bare knees were cushioned by the rich red carpeting as I stood, adjusting my skirt. "Where am I?" He sniffed, "You'll have to wait for Mistress to explain." He turned on his heel and walked towards the double doors. Confused by my current situation I simply watched him go, trying to wrap my mind around how the hell I'd ended up here. As he reached the doors he turned his head back towards me, "Mistress does not like to be kept waiting." With a start I hurried towards the door, my bare feet sinking into the carpet with each step. I wanted to ask more questions, but I had a feeling I'd get the same answer as before, and I had no desire to be talked down to by what seemed to be the butler. The red and pink theme continued throughout the house, which was huge. From the living room we entered the front hall, which had ceilings that had to be at least fifty feet tall with an enormous red chandelier hanging from its apex. I looked around me in awe; this was the kind of house you didn't even really see in movies, one of those mythical houses of the super rich. Did I have some distant relative who happened to be the next Bill Gates? From the great hall we entered a hallway which led to a dining room with a banquet table all set with a large buffet of delicious smelling food. At its head sat not the elegant, distinguished woman I had expected, but what looked to be a 16 year old girl, wearing a crop top and short skirt. But the most striking thing about her was that she was entirely red. When she spotted us she squealed and jumped up from her seat, clapping wildly. "Ohmigod!! You're finally here!" She bounced over to us, clapping the whole way. Leaping at me, she wrapped her arms around me, making my skin sizzle in the process. "Ahhh!" "Sorry, I forget how delicate you humans are." She giggled. A horrible thought had begun to worm its way into my mind. I flashed back to the truck, and the odd way in which I'd woken up. "Where am I?" I asked with apprehension. She giggled again, and resumed the maniacal clapping, "You're in hell, silly! And good thing too, these demons have gotten like sooo boring!" "W-what? THIS is hell?!" She nodded cheerfully, "uh huh!" "But, why am I here? I never did anything all that bad, did I?" "Well, dad never actually wanted to send anyone here, but I begged him for so long that he finally said that if I could beat Michael in a human game of chess he'd give me a human. It look like forever, but I finally did it, and now you're here!" She squealed and started clapping again. "So basically I'm just here because I'm the unluckiest person in all of history?" She scoffed, "Uhhh, more like the luckiest! We're gonna have so much fun together! What do you want to do first? How do you feel about being skinned?" I swallowed a lump of fear, "Humans don't really like the whole pain thing. For the most part anyway." She cocked her head, frowning, "Are you sure? With how much you all cause I thought for sure it was like your favorite thing." "Some people like causing it, but most people don't like receiving it." "Oh," she looked so disappointed that I almost relented, but thankfully caught myself. "But," I said quickly, "We could have fun in other ways. What if we did each other's hair? Or we could go shopping, if there's a mall somewhere in hell." She brightened, "Ohmigod, I made the best mall ever down here! And like you don't even have to pay because you're with me!" I smiled; maybe hell wasn't going to be so bad after all.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	The last thing I remember was the truck ramming into my drivers side door, a searing pain, and then I woke up in possibly the most posh living room I'd ever seen. It was almost entirely made up of red and pink colors, with some black accents. Everything was sleek, modern, perfectly neat and tidy. A small man with large horns protruding straight up from his head was striding slowly towards me. He exuded an air of arrogance, as though the floor was lucky to bear the weight of his feet upon it. He reached me and looked down his nose at me, clearly waiting for me to pick myself up off the floor. My bare knees were cushioned by the rich red carpeting as I stood, adjusting my skirt. "Where am I?" He sniffed, "You'll have to wait for Mistress to explain." He turned on his heel and walked towards the double doors. Confused by my current situation I simply watched him go, trying to wrap my mind around how the hell I'd ended up here. As he reached the doors he turned his head back towards me, "Mistress does not like to be kept waiting." With a start I hurried towards the door, my bare feet sinking into the carpet with each step. I wanted to ask more questions, but I had a feeling I'd get the same answer as before, and I had no desire to be talked down to by what seemed to be the butler. The red and pink theme continued throughout the house, which was huge. From the living room we entered the front hall, which had ceilings that had to be at least fifty feet tall with an enormous red chandelier hanging from its apex. I looked around me in awe; this was the kind of house you didn't even really see in movies, one of those mythical houses of the super rich. Did I have some distant relative who happened to be the next Bill Gates? From the great hall we entered a hallway which led to a dining room with a banquet table all set with a large buffet of delicious smelling food. At its head sat not the elegant, distinguished woman I had expected, but what looked to be a 16 year old girl, wearing a crop top and short skirt. But the most striking thing about her was that she was entirely red. When she spotted us she squealed and jumped up from her seat, clapping wildly. "Ohmigod!! You're finally here!" She bounced over to us, clapping the whole way. Leaping at me, she wrapped her arms around me, making my skin sizzle in the process. "Ahhh!" "Sorry, I forget how delicate you humans are." She giggled. A horrible thought had begun to worm its way into my mind. I flashed back to the truck, and the odd way in which I'd woken up. "Where am I?" I asked with apprehension. She giggled again, and resumed the maniacal clapping, "You're in hell, silly! And good thing too, these demons have gotten like sooo boring!" "W-what? THIS is hell?!" She nodded cheerfully, "uh huh!" "But, why am I here? I never did anything all that bad, did I?" "Well, dad never actually wanted to send anyone here, but I begged him for so long that he finally said that if I could beat Michael in a human game of chess he'd give me a human. It look like forever, but I finally did it, and now you're here!" She squealed and started clapping again. "So basically I'm just here because I'm the unluckiest person in all of history?" She scoffed, "Uhhh, more like the luckiest! We're gonna have so much fun together! What do you want to do first? How do you feel about being skinned?" I swallowed a lump of fear, "Humans don't really like the whole pain thing. For the most part anyway." She cocked her head, frowning, "Are you sure? With how much you all cause I thought for sure it was like your favorite thing." "Some people like causing it, but most people don't like receiving it." "Oh," she looked so disappointed that I almost relented, but thankfully caught myself. "But," I said quickly, "We could have fun in other ways. What if we did each other's hair? Or we could go shopping, if there's a mall somewhere in hell." She brightened, "Ohmigod, I made the best mall ever down here! And like you don't even have to pay because you're with me!" I smiled; maybe hell wasn't going to be so bad after all.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	The last thing I remember was the truck ramming into my drivers side door, a searing pain, and then I woke up in possibly the most posh living room I'd ever seen. It was almost entirely made up of red and pink colors, with some black accents. Everything was sleek, modern, perfectly neat and tidy. A small man with large horns protruding straight up from his head was striding slowly towards me. He exuded an air of arrogance, as though the floor was lucky to bear the weight of his feet upon it. He reached me and looked down his nose at me, clearly waiting for me to pick myself up off the floor. My bare knees were cushioned by the rich red carpeting as I stood, adjusting my skirt. "Where am I?" He sniffed, "You'll have to wait for Mistress to explain." He turned on his heel and walked towards the double doors. Confused by my current situation I simply watched him go, trying to wrap my mind around how the hell I'd ended up here. As he reached the doors he turned his head back towards me, "Mistress does not like to be kept waiting." With a start I hurried towards the door, my bare feet sinking into the carpet with each step. I wanted to ask more questions, but I had a feeling I'd get the same answer as before, and I had no desire to be talked down to by what seemed to be the butler. The red and pink theme continued throughout the house, which was huge. From the living room we entered the front hall, which had ceilings that had to be at least fifty feet tall with an enormous red chandelier hanging from its apex. I looked around me in awe; this was the kind of house you didn't even really see in movies, one of those mythical houses of the super rich. Did I have some distant relative who happened to be the next Bill Gates? From the great hall we entered a hallway which led to a dining room with a banquet table all set with a large buffet of delicious smelling food. At its head sat not the elegant, distinguished woman I had expected, but what looked to be a 16 year old girl, wearing a crop top and short skirt. But the most striking thing about her was that she was entirely red. When she spotted us she squealed and jumped up from her seat, clapping wildly. "Ohmigod!! You're finally here!" She bounced over to us, clapping the whole way. Leaping at me, she wrapped her arms around me, making my skin sizzle in the process. "Ahhh!" "Sorry, I forget how delicate you humans are." She giggled. A horrible thought had begun to worm its way into my mind. I flashed back to the truck, and the odd way in which I'd woken up. "Where am I?" I asked with apprehension. She giggled again, and resumed the maniacal clapping, "You're in hell, silly! And good thing too, these demons have gotten like sooo boring!" "W-what? THIS is hell?!" She nodded cheerfully, "uh huh!" "But, why am I here? I never did anything all that bad, did I?" "Well, dad never actually wanted to send anyone here, but I begged him for so long that he finally said that if I could beat Michael in a human game of chess he'd give me a human. It look like forever, but I finally did it, and now you're here!" She squealed and started clapping again. "So basically I'm just here because I'm the unluckiest person in all of history?" She scoffed, "Uhhh, more like the luckiest! We're gonna have so much fun together! What do you want to do first? How do you feel about being skinned?" I swallowed a lump of fear, "Humans don't really like the whole pain thing. For the most part anyway." She cocked her head, frowning, "Are you sure? With how much you all cause I thought for sure it was like your favorite thing." "Some people like causing it, but most people don't like receiving it." "Oh," she looked so disappointed that I almost relented, but thankfully caught myself. "But," I said quickly, "We could have fun in other ways. What if we did each other's hair? Or we could go shopping, if there's a mall somewhere in hell." She brightened, "Ohmigod, I made the best mall ever down here! And like you don't even have to pay because you're with me!" I smiled; maybe hell wasn't going to be so bad after all.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)	"A PUPPY Holocaust?" Beelzebub spat, "How the hell... How did you even... I mean, I thought it was hilarious when Hitler tricked all those people into thinking the Jews were responsible for all the world's problems, but at least that was theoretically possible. You, though, you did it... with innocent baby dogs? I just... You must be an amazing liar." “It wasn't hard.” I responded I recounted to the Dark Lord my unlikely rise to power. From my humble beginnings spamming puppy hate on 4chan “for the lulz,” to the election I easily won by weaponizing internet memes depicting destroyed sneakers, accidents on the floor, and other examples of the destruction caused by those vile vermin. In less than 6 months, all the news media would talk about was the Problem of the Puppies. Once I had the bully pulpit, it wasn't long before the idiots all fell in line. I became a master of misinformation. If someone called me out for something “factual” or other such drivel, I would simply fire up Twitter and tell the world all about how that person was doing the very thing they accused me of. People, it seemed, had gotten a lot stupider in recent years. I blamed the puppies for that too. Then came the best part, the grand payoff for the greatest troll ever to live. I convinced the Army Corps of Engineers to build massive “Farms” all throughout the Dakotas. The state governors, afraid I'd do to them what I did to that one governor who dared question me, ordered their state police forces to go door to door, yard to yard, park to park, collecting the little monsters and shipping them off to our newly constructed Farms so they could have plenty of space to run and be free. I mean, they actually repeated that verbatim to all the crying, whining pet owners when they took them. My followers could not have been more happy seeing their tears. We love making the fucking puppy owners cry. They are subhuman garbage. Beelzebub's smile broadened as my face reddened while speaking of the puppies. It's almost as if he reveled in my frustration, in my anger. “That's amazing, what you did, Chris,” He said, “and I want to reward you for all your hard work.” He led me through a large iron door behind him which I had only first noticed a few moments earlier. We walked down a dark hallway until we came upon a second identical door, dimly lit by a flickering light bulb hanging from the ceiling by it's electrical cord. He opened the door, and, to my horror, I found myself gazing upon a festering, panting pile of the most revolting cute little puppies I had ever witnessed. “You will pet them for all eternity!” he cackled, as he backed out through the door. Through my screams I could just make out the last words he said to me before slamming the door forever: “Who's the troll now, bitch?”
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	"A PUPPY Holocaust?" Beelzebub spat, "How the hell... How did you even... I mean, I thought it was hilarious when Hitler tricked all those people into thinking the Jews were responsible for all the world's problems, but at least that was theoretically possible. You, though, you did it... with innocent baby dogs? I just... You must be an amazing liar." “It wasn't hard.” I responded I recounted to the Dark Lord my unlikely rise to power. From my humble beginnings spamming puppy hate on 4chan “for the lulz,” to the election I easily won by weaponizing internet memes depicting destroyed sneakers, accidents on the floor, and other examples of the destruction caused by those vile vermin. In less than 6 months, all the news media would talk about was the Problem of the Puppies. Once I had the bully pulpit, it wasn't long before the idiots all fell in line. I became a master of misinformation. If someone called me out for something “factual” or other such drivel, I would simply fire up Twitter and tell the world all about how that person was doing the very thing they accused me of. People, it seemed, had gotten a lot stupider in recent years. I blamed the puppies for that too. Then came the best part, the grand payoff for the greatest troll ever to live. I convinced the Army Corps of Engineers to build massive “Farms” all throughout the Dakotas. The state governors, afraid I'd do to them what I did to that one governor who dared question me, ordered their state police forces to go door to door, yard to yard, park to park, collecting the little monsters and shipping them off to our newly constructed Farms so they could have plenty of space to run and be free. I mean, they actually repeated that verbatim to all the crying, whining pet owners when they took them. My followers could not have been more happy seeing their tears. We love making the fucking puppy owners cry. They are subhuman garbage. Beelzebub's smile broadened as my face reddened while speaking of the puppies. It's almost as if he reveled in my frustration, in my anger. “That's amazing, what you did, Chris,” He said, “and I want to reward you for all your hard work.” He led me through a large iron door behind him which I had only first noticed a few moments earlier. We walked down a dark hallway until we came upon a second identical door, dimly lit by a flickering light bulb hanging from the ceiling by it's electrical cord. He opened the door, and, to my horror, I found myself gazing upon a festering, panting pile of the most revolting cute little puppies I had ever witnessed. “You will pet them for all eternity!” he cackled, as he backed out through the door. Through my screams I could just make out the last words he said to me before slamming the door forever: “Who's the troll now, bitch?”
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	"A PUPPY Holocaust?" Beelzebub spat, "How the hell... How did you even... I mean, I thought it was hilarious when Hitler tricked all those people into thinking the Jews were responsible for all the world's problems, but at least that was theoretically possible. You, though, you did it... with innocent baby dogs? I just... You must be an amazing liar." “It wasn't hard.” I responded I recounted to the Dark Lord my unlikely rise to power. From my humble beginnings spamming puppy hate on 4chan “for the lulz,” to the election I easily won by weaponizing internet memes depicting destroyed sneakers, accidents on the floor, and other examples of the destruction caused by those vile vermin. In less than 6 months, all the news media would talk about was the Problem of the Puppies. Once I had the bully pulpit, it wasn't long before the idiots all fell in line. I became a master of misinformation. If someone called me out for something “factual” or other such drivel, I would simply fire up Twitter and tell the world all about how that person was doing the very thing they accused me of. People, it seemed, had gotten a lot stupider in recent years. I blamed the puppies for that too. Then came the best part, the grand payoff for the greatest troll ever to live. I convinced the Army Corps of Engineers to build massive “Farms” all throughout the Dakotas. The state governors, afraid I'd do to them what I did to that one governor who dared question me, ordered their state police forces to go door to door, yard to yard, park to park, collecting the little monsters and shipping them off to our newly constructed Farms so they could have plenty of space to run and be free. I mean, they actually repeated that verbatim to all the crying, whining pet owners when they took them. My followers could not have been more happy seeing their tears. We love making the fucking puppy owners cry. They are subhuman garbage. Beelzebub's smile broadened as my face reddened while speaking of the puppies. It's almost as if he reveled in my frustration, in my anger. “That's amazing, what you did, Chris,” He said, “and I want to reward you for all your hard work.” He led me through a large iron door behind him which I had only first noticed a few moments earlier. We walked down a dark hallway until we came upon a second identical door, dimly lit by a flickering light bulb hanging from the ceiling by it's electrical cord. He opened the door, and, to my horror, I found myself gazing upon a festering, panting pile of the most revolting cute little puppies I had ever witnessed. “You will pet them for all eternity!” he cackled, as he backed out through the door. Through my screams I could just make out the last words he said to me before slamming the door forever: “Who's the troll now, bitch?”
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	"A PUPPY Holocaust?" Beelzebub spat, "How the hell... How did you even... I mean, I thought it was hilarious when Hitler tricked all those people into thinking the Jews were responsible for all the world's problems, but at least that was theoretically possible. You, though, you did it... with innocent baby dogs? I just... You must be an amazing liar." “It wasn't hard.” I responded I recounted to the Dark Lord my unlikely rise to power. From my humble beginnings spamming puppy hate on 4chan “for the lulz,” to the election I easily won by weaponizing internet memes depicting destroyed sneakers, accidents on the floor, and other examples of the destruction caused by those vile vermin. In less than 6 months, all the news media would talk about was the Problem of the Puppies. Once I had the bully pulpit, it wasn't long before the idiots all fell in line. I became a master of misinformation. If someone called me out for something “factual” or other such drivel, I would simply fire up Twitter and tell the world all about how that person was doing the very thing they accused me of. People, it seemed, had gotten a lot stupider in recent years. I blamed the puppies for that too. Then came the best part, the grand payoff for the greatest troll ever to live. I convinced the Army Corps of Engineers to build massive “Farms” all throughout the Dakotas. The state governors, afraid I'd do to them what I did to that one governor who dared question me, ordered their state police forces to go door to door, yard to yard, park to park, collecting the little monsters and shipping them off to our newly constructed Farms so they could have plenty of space to run and be free. I mean, they actually repeated that verbatim to all the crying, whining pet owners when they took them. My followers could not have been more happy seeing their tears. We love making the fucking puppy owners cry. They are subhuman garbage. Beelzebub's smile broadened as my face reddened while speaking of the puppies. It's almost as if he reveled in my frustration, in my anger. “That's amazing, what you did, Chris,” He said, “and I want to reward you for all your hard work.” He led me through a large iron door behind him which I had only first noticed a few moments earlier. We walked down a dark hallway until we came upon a second identical door, dimly lit by a flickering light bulb hanging from the ceiling by it's electrical cord. He opened the door, and, to my horror, I found myself gazing upon a festering, panting pile of the most revolting cute little puppies I had ever witnessed. “You will pet them for all eternity!” he cackled, as he backed out through the door. Through my screams I could just make out the last words he said to me before slamming the door forever: “Who's the troll now, bitch?”
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	As Satan stood up from his throne, he began clapping and laughing as hard as he could. "Congratulations on being the first person to make it to hell. You are the first person to make it to hell. Billion upon billions have managed to make it to heaven even those who are considered to be the worst humanity has to offer such as Hitler and Stalin. You my friend are literally worse than Hitler! Mwhahaha!!! Now the question is what did you do to grant you a place in eternal damnation? You were born to a wealthy family and you managed to gain your own wealth based on that. Eventually you began to go for power in your own country. With one lucky election you managed to become the head of your country. From their you began to fuck up your country. But this does not land you a spot in hell. Thousands of rulers messed up their country and still made it to heaven. What you will eventually lead to the death of practically every living thing on earth! Mwhahaha!! Your deals and agreements lead to the increase in climate change. Because of your actions climate change rapidly increased and eventually killing every one! Mwhahaha!! All of this happened only because you choose to believe climate change was a hoax! Mwhahaha!!! Now what do you have to say for yourself Mister President." "Fake News"	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid. "HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!" The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous. "I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice. "Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again. "Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out. I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence. "Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?" "Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh." "I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?" "Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. " I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "Not really, I had a...a church maybe?" "Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say." "What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water. "Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction." More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak. "If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven." "But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words. "Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that." Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again. "MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived. "IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES." "I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before. "NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause. "Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?" "Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome. "Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil. The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling. The clapping stops.	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Cold claps rumbled and rippled through the red, cracked ground. For the first time in a long time, I was almost alone. Where I had come from, loneliness wasn't allowed. He stood there in all his dark majesty and wore a look I had seen before. I had seen it many times: he was shocked. Hidden in his broken eyes was another look, one with which I had little experience: he was impressed. The clapping stopped. "Well, well, well" his voice was like a bag of wet stones being cremated: all hisses and pops, "you didn't repent?" My shaking head spoke for me. There was nothing to repent for. Why should I seek forgiveness for doing what was right? "Not for the killing, not for the pain?" Another shaking head. "Not for the tears, not for the fear?" Another shaking head. "Not for the weeping mothers, the children's bodies, the lives unloved because of you? You stood before the great god of all creation, stood before the beginning and the end, stood before all that was and all that will ever be, and you did not repent?" Not impressed. Scared. A final shaking head. Silence was the only answer worth offering; when god is wrong, what does it mean to be right? I do not beg. Deep ringing laughter growled out of him, "...and you aren't afraid?" "No." stuttered my reply "You and I are a lot alike. I also know how it feels, not to be believed in."	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Where am I?" "Why, Hell of course!" "Hey, it's not too bad. I was expecting a...." "A lake of fire? Haha, no this is it. Just you and me. And nothing else." I'm a little relieved. I hadn't lived the best life. I was expecting a fiery lake of fire but this, this isn't too bad. Just emptiness all around. I look around. "So where is everybody?" "It's just you." "What do you mean? Everyone else lived like a saint? Where's Hitler?" "No. I mean. It's just you. You are the only person, the only soul to have existed. Everyone else was a fiction. Part of, I guess, you can say, a simulation. You are the only person to ever have existed." "What? I... can't believe it." As shocked as I am, I am even more curious. "So if this is Hell, then what's Hea---" "Heaven? There is no heaven. Well, I guess there is. Heaven would have been: you lived your life in the so-called simulation and would have died, disappearing into nothingness. You wouldn't be here. You would never have found out about this place, about me, about the truth. I guess you can say heaven is basically what the atheists believe is the status quo" I can feel my mouth gaping open. I cannot speak. "Well, any more questions? I have time. Lots of it. Because from now on, it's just you and me. Forever." edit: Bonus points if you read Satan's words in christoph waltz' voice. For some reason he popped up in my head as Satan.	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "Dibs!" The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction. I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the Devil! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded. "See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up. "I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined. I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?" Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do that?" I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air."	The chains rattled as the frozen metal dragged along a large sheet of ice before you. You stood amongst an infinite span of frozen lake in front of a titanic mass of darkness and chilling void. Two red eyes dragged trails of light that resembled brake lights in the night as the figures head swayed gently as it breathed. It was Satan. Lucifer. The Bringer of Light. The serpent. imprisoned; chained up by his hands into tethers deep into the ice and halfway frozen into it, from the torso down. You let out your first breath in hell, watching the chilled air escape your mouth and float away into the air ahead of you. The chamber was everlasting, it was simply you and the beast in a field of ice and nothing more. Hell was supposed to be fiery, littered with the souls of the many sinners and wrongdoers of the life you once knew. But it wasn't. Hell was chilly, empty, *void.* Void was the perfect word to describe your surroundings. The sheet of ice below you reflected a dim blueness in the air that made it possible to distinguish the dark mass in front of you between the emptiness of the rest of hell, and through all of this time you examined the environment, you had almost forgotten who this gigantic being was in front of you, so you look up into its eyes, his large and beckoning red pits of incredible rage and fury, yet, contained and trapped. "You are the only one." It spoke. The voice was awkward and ghastly, as if it hadn't spoken in eons. I use "it" to describe Satan because this was no man in a red robe with horns in his forehead. This was a monument of a force, a mass with an infinite presence that left you uneasy and in awe, yet, it's physically imposing features was matched by its restraints. It was helpless, right? It made no movement or sound, besides a slight sway from what appeared to be breathing motions, causing his shackles to scrape over the ice. You call out to it, "what the fuck is this?! No fire?! No torture?! No demons?! Is this all you fuckin' got??" Of course, your voice carries throughout the seemingly infinite chamber. Dragged throughout the vast stretch of ice until it was a faint whisper in the dark. It made no movements, no sounds, just continued to scratch its shackles over the ice as it moved. You peer down at the shackles, which had dug down into the ice, probably a result of being scratched against it for so long, but then it hit you. How long? Nothing changed in the time since you've arrived. You were standing in the same spot, it had not moved, you haven't heard anything, and the void remained. Nobody else was in Hell-- clearly, I mean, you noticed that it was just the two of you. What happened to everyone? "Where the fuck is everyone else?!?" But it made no sounds or moves, just continued breathing. It was a long time before the ghastly voice called out to you, "you are the only one." The only one. You could think of tons of names of people who belonged in hell, Hitler, Stalin, Gacy, Dahmer... off the top of your head, but nobody was there. Out of all the evil in eternity, all of the death and murder and genocide and any other offense you can think of, and you are the only person to arrive in hell. You are the only one who had done such a deed to earn a spot next to Satan. The only human being to be judged as to be only compared to the most evil figure in history. You try to swallow, realizing all of what you have done, shaking fiercely in the piercing cold as the ice appeared to grow upward toward you, encasing your lower half in it. You raise your hands upward to try and push it down, but your hand is pulled back downward by a chain that now shackles you to the ice. This is your prison for eternity, for such a crime that you are the only being in existence to share it with it. You call out, your voice trembling, "what have I done...?"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	"I don't understand it!" Satan exclaimed. "You've done no wrong all your life, you never even swatted a mosquito!" "I don't get it either." I replied. "I can't think of anything that could have gotten me sent down here-" "Waitamoment...." Satan interrupted. "I think I know what did it...Yep, you did the simplest, yet most obvious thing to get down here." I gulped, every 'bad' thing I've ever done in my life has flashed before my eyes." "Exactly what have I done, Satan, sir?" "You bought WinRar." (This popped into my head at work. yes I'm well aware there's a whole subreddit of people who bought Winrar, don't spoil the joke.)
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	It was the slow clap that was the most annoying. When I arrived, he was just standing there with a big grin slow clapping. This was definitely Hell. "I've been waiting a long time for this moment." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." Then with a flourish, he struck a pose that looked vaguely similar to any Indian Bollywood movie cover and laughed, just once, ha! "Don't you want to know where you are?" He said, as if it was still a big secret. "I think I have an idea." "Oh, do you?" He said striking another Bollywood movie pose. "And don't you want to know who I am?" "Satan, right?" "Right." His enthusiasm was rapidly fading. "How did you know?" "Well..." He looked down at himself and sheepishly realized that he looked exactly how you would imagine Satan to look. "Well, don't you want to know why you're here and why you're the only one?" "I think I know why." "And why is that?" "Because I'm gay." "What? No!" He looked offended. "what's wrong with you?" "Then it must be because of all those babies I killed." "That wasn't in your file." "It's not true. I just wanted to see if you knew." "Daniel, you're ruining this for me." "Sorry. Go ahead." He jumped up on this platform and suddenly fire came out of everywhere. "Daniel," he growled, "you are the only one here because you are the only person to ever be condemned to Hell. Your crimes against life were so heinous that you are the only person who will ever experience endless suffering, eternal torture, and what are you doing?" When the fire came up, it lit up the whole place and I saw this lake that was just blackness, like vanta black blackness, so I went to go take a look while he went on about whatever it was. "What's that?" "The lake," he said, "will be where you spend one hundred years suspended in darkness experiencing nothing." "Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank?" "Yes, but in Hell!" He just stood there waiting for me to react. "And what's that over there?" It kind of looked like a pigeon, I'm not really sure, but the size of a building and a thousand times more revolting. "That," he hissed, "is the Jakabird, who will devour you inch by inch for eons until--" "--I'm sorry. Did you just say it was called a Jakabird?" "Yes." "Who named it?" "I did." "You?" "Yes. Why?" I picked up a lump of smoldering sulfur and skipped it across the lake. "Nothing." "I can see why he sent you here." "Why am I here anyway?" "Because you suck, Daniel. Everyone thinks so." And I'm still here. I mean, the Jakabird was kind of scary for a bit. But then he just gave up on eating me for some reason and walked away, called me an asshole. I haven't seen Satan for a while. He's probably avoiding me.	Hell? I was in... Hell? I couldn't remember the moments prior to my death, but I could remember the rest of my life: I didn't think I'd end up in Hell. I really didn't. What did I do wrong? I had to know. I had to. He was still clapping. He looked... Happy. Not evil happy like you expect the Devil - was he the Devil? - to look at you when you crash into Hell. No, he looked... Honestly happy. He stopped after a few seconds and looked at me, knowing I wanted to say something. "Is this..." "Hell? Hel? The Underworld? Yes. To all of them." "So are you..." "The Devil? Satan? Lucifer? Hades? Everything that's bad in the world? I suppose I am, yes." "Huh. So... am I on trial?" "What?" "Well, there's no one here. I thought maybe you wanted to... evaluate me or something before sending me somewhere?" "Oh. Well... You may want to sit down." A chair popped out of nowhere, but I refused to sit. Actually, sitting down didn't even cross my mind. "All right. Well, here's the deal: you're the first person that has ever come here." "WHAT?!" "Hey, there's no need to yell." "NO NEED TO YELL?! ARE YOU NOT YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M THE WORST PERSON THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!" "Well... Yes. And no." "..." "Look, my dad, he... A long time ago, he decided he would create perfection. He promised himself he would not rest until the perfect universe was born." "Is your dad... God?" "I guess you would know him by that name, yes. God - dad traveled to every possible universe he could make. Infinite possibilities he travelled into, looking for perfection. Until he found the Earth you know." "But... What's this got to do with me?" "Well, dad eventually decided to settle with your world because he saw something he hadn't seen in any other universe. Well, he saw someone." "...Me?" "Heavens, no. No. He saw... He saw George Lucas." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt it. I just couldn't figure out the reason. "Guessing it makes some sense now, doesn't it?" "But... Why?" "Well, dad fell for Star Wars right away. He didn't care about anything prior to Star Wars. He didn't care about anything after Star Wars. Be it human history, Earth history, any other civilization within the universe; nothing. Dad saw only Star Wars, and he decided he needed to look no further. He knew this was it. Perfection sat right before his eyes, in the form of George Lucas." "And so he went for it. Made the world you used to live in. Gave birth to everything that is known to you and everything that isn't, just so Star Wars could come be born. But dad was blind. He fell so hard for Star Wars, he refused to look ahead." "He didn't see them, did he? He didn't see the prequels" "No, he didn't. At least, not until it was too late for him." "I can feel it." "I know. You broke out." "Huh? Out of what?" "By the time he saw them, dad was furious. He was pissed at George Lucas. The man that gave him perfection also took it away from him. He could not stand it." "And so he decided he'd bury them. Deep beneath everyone's minds. He couldn't stand the idea of anyone liking the prequels, let alone liking them even more so than the originals. Tearing down the universe and starting fresh wasn't an option, either; he'd spent almost all of his powers." "Dad gifted free will to mankind, under one condition: no one would like the prequels. No one would choose to, anyways. The world would act as if they never even existed, or worse." "But... I liked them." "I know. So did I. That's why we're here." "There's no way." "I shit you not. Once dad realized how strong my bond with the prequels was, he cast me out. He couldn't stand having a son who was proud of what he thought had ruined hist most perfect creation. He built this Hell, just for me, and swore I would spend eternity by myself because of the sin I had committed." "But I knew I couldn't be the only one. I knew someone, somewhere would eventually share the bond. I knew there would be someone strong enough to break dad's lock." "And so I waited. I watched, quietly, as each civilization redefined good and bad, not once taking the prequels into consideration. I nearly drove myself to insanity, but didn't. Because I knew. I knew, deep down, I would find someone. And I did. I found you." "This is crazy." "No, no it isn't. Think about it. You've spent your whole life feeling you don't belong because of it. No one understood you. No one wanted to. No one you know has ever liked the Star Wars prequels the way you do. I am the only one." "Damn. I just... I just can't... Am I going to be here for the rest of my life?" "Forever, yes. This is our prison, and there's nothing we can do about it." "Nothing? At all?" "No, not us. Humankind can be released, but there's no telling when it will happen. It's up to them, not us. But it will happen. Trust me." "So we're alone? For who knows how long?" "Well, for starters, we have each other. But that's not all." The chair vanished, and in its place a screen appeared. In it, The Phantom Menace. "Come on. I know you feel it. I feel it too." I wanted him to be wrong. But... Did I? Back on Earth, I'd never felt this way with anyone. I'd never shared this. I lived with a prequel-sized hole in my heart for too long, and I now had the chance to fill it. I was home.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town." I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time. "But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared. Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily. "But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!" You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do... -a winrar tale	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"What do you mean, I'm the only one? That's impossible!" "Apparently not", Satan answered, grinning slightly in his immaculately tailored suit. "All you had to do was try. Couldn't even manage that, could you? Grace is, dare I say, a hell of a thing, but you've managed to be the one screwup who couldn't qualify." "I wasn't that bad!", he protested. He went to wipe the sweat from his forehead before remembering he didn't have a body anymore. Looking around, he could see rooms that looked a lot like the offices where he worked... had worked. But they were all empty, blank cubicles with blank desks. There were no lights, just an ambient even illumination. No doors or windows. "We both know you were never any good, not deep down," Satan replied with a dry chuckle. He made a show of checking a tastefully gilded pocketwatch, then snicked it shut. "Well then, enjoy your eternity. Perhaps someone else will eventually be along. Surely there will someday be a person as useless and unworth saving as you. But then again, it hasn't happened so far, has it?" And with a sarcastic wave goodbye, Satan stepped through the wall, savoring the desperate protests not to be left alone as they faded into silence. A few steps more and he stood in an unmarked field of pavement, lit by an empty grey sky. When the surprised looking woman tumbled into existence a moment later, he started clapping.	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Finally, someone worthy!" he exclaims. I recover from the confusion of suddenly having been transported by an other-worldly force to this unfamiliar place. The presence of a being who looks to be Satan gives me the cue that I am, indeed, dead, and that this may be hell. "Is this... hell?" "It sure is buddy", Satan replied sounding excited. He is accompanied by beings I can only deduce to be demons or imps, and - surprisingly - quite a few voluptuous women. "I don't understand." I mutter. "Oh don't worry; I know you must be a little dazed, but that's why we have the orientation house party!" He stepped aside and what I saw was a lovely home. not too big, but quaint. Hell seemed like a pleasant place. Greenery, a light breeze and a pleasant temperature. Even Satan appeared a nice fellow, clad in a silk shirt and chinos. He invited me into his home, along with the demons/imps and the hot dames. I'm in his backyard. We have a meal from his grill. I don't know what it was but it was delicious - the aroma still lingers as an immediate reminder of the delicacy. We open up a couple of Budweisers and so begins the talk. "So hell seems like a really nice place." I said. "It is, isn't it? And you're the only one who's been nice enough to make it." I'm no stranger to my own niceness, so I'm not too surprised at what he said. I continue: "So, what am I going to be doing here?" "Oh, that's your wish entirely. You can do whatever you want - go fishing, shooting at the range, smoke pot, get drunk, or just sit home and play Counter Strike." "Home?" "Yeah. You'll be allotted your own place, very much like this one. Just a couple of blocks away from here." "Say, Satan - what's with all the chicks?" "Oh you like 'em? They're called Hell's angels. You can fuck one whenever you want." "Seriously?" "Oh sure - it's one of practically billions of things you can do around here. Hell's a pretty chill place." "Damn. If hell's so awesome then what would heaven be like?" "Oh, did you say heaven? Don't even get me started on that place..."	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause. "Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?" "Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome. "Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil. The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling. The clapping stops.	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Cold claps rumbled and rippled through the red, cracked ground. For the first time in a long time, I was almost alone. Where I had come from, loneliness wasn't allowed. He stood there in all his dark majesty and wore a look I had seen before. I had seen it many times: he was shocked. Hidden in his broken eyes was another look, one with which I had little experience: he was impressed. The clapping stopped. "Well, well, well" his voice was like a bag of wet stones being cremated: all hisses and pops, "you didn't repent?" My shaking head spoke for me. There was nothing to repent for. Why should I seek forgiveness for doing what was right? "Not for the killing, not for the pain?" Another shaking head. "Not for the tears, not for the fear?" Another shaking head. "Not for the weeping mothers, the children's bodies, the lives unloved because of you? You stood before the great god of all creation, stood before the beginning and the end, stood before all that was and all that will ever be, and you did not repent?" Not impressed. Scared. A final shaking head. Silence was the only answer worth offering; when god is wrong, what does it mean to be right? I do not beg. Deep ringing laughter growled out of him, "...and you aren't afraid?" "No." stuttered my reply "You and I are a lot alike. I also know how it feels, not to be believed in."	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Where am I?" "Why, Hell of course!" "Hey, it's not too bad. I was expecting a...." "A lake of fire? Haha, no this is it. Just you and me. And nothing else." I'm a little relieved. I hadn't lived the best life. I was expecting a fiery lake of fire but this, this isn't too bad. Just emptiness all around. I look around. "So where is everybody?" "It's just you." "What do you mean? Everyone else lived like a saint? Where's Hitler?" "No. I mean. It's just you. You are the only person, the only soul to have existed. Everyone else was a fiction. Part of, I guess, you can say, a simulation. You are the only person to ever have existed." "What? I... can't believe it." As shocked as I am, I am even more curious. "So if this is Hell, then what's Hea---" "Heaven? There is no heaven. Well, I guess there is. Heaven would have been: you lived your life in the so-called simulation and would have died, disappearing into nothingness. You wouldn't be here. You would never have found out about this place, about me, about the truth. I guess you can say heaven is basically what the atheists believe is the status quo" I can feel my mouth gaping open. I cannot speak. "Well, any more questions? I have time. Lots of it. Because from now on, it's just you and me. Forever." edit: Bonus points if you read Satan's words in christoph waltz' voice. For some reason he popped up in my head as Satan.	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "Dibs!" The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction. I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the Devil! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded. "See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up. "I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined. I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?" Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do that?" I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air."	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	A voice boomed, "Kneel, mortal." I was dazed, and more than a little confused. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread, although I couldn't quite remember why. My head darted left and right as I tried desperately to find the source of the voice, but as far as I could tell, there wasn’t one. Above me was a pitch black sky, devoid of all character and life. Beneath me stood a desolate rock, surrounded by lava as far as the eye could see. Sulfurous ash assaulted my nostrils and burned my lungs, bringing tears to my eyes. "Who...?", I croaked, but could get nothing more out. My mouth was dry, as if filled with sand. My throat spasmed as I attempted to speak, and I gasped for air. “You dare to defy me?” Suddenly, my body erupted in searing pain. I tried to scream, but could find no voice in my throat. My skin was on fire, my head pulsed and throbbed, and a wave of nausea rushed over me. I fell to my knees and watched in horror as I began to uncontrollably vomit up my own blood. A cackle filled the air, punctuated by what sounded almost like applause. The lava in front of me shot up -- an awesome demonstration of power -- sending small droplets raining down on me like fiery acid. I watched in horror as the lava formed itself into a giant, twisted facsimile of a man, towering over me. It grinned sardonically. "You know, I've waited a long time for you." The figure boomed. "More time than you can even comprehend.” I stared through terrified eyes, trembling, the taste of blood still fresh in my mouth. I dared not speak. I dared not move. I knelt in silence. "When the Lord condemned me to this forsaken abyss, He promised He would send me those human souls that were beyond salvation. The truly condemned, so hopelessly forlorn that even He, in His infinite love and wisdom, could not save." "And so I watched, and waited. I watched as God welcomed into His loving embrace murderers, rapists, thieves and harlots – all manner of debauchery and evil. So long as He could find a single shred of worth – a single seed of value and goodness – He welcomed them into His realm, as if to mock me.” “For a time, I thought I understood. You see, I thought God was telling me that I alone was uniquely beyond redemption; uniquely cursed to suffer this terrible realm of darkness and hate.” “But you…” Out of the lava formed an arm, a hand, and then a finger, which slowly unraveled and pointed at me. I felt my body rise, of its own volition, and I slowly began to walk toward the towering figure, inching ever closer to the fiery magma out of which it had formed. Each step accentuated the heat on my skin, causing my body to blister and burn. I tried to writhe. I tried to scream. I tried to do anything to make the pain stop, but I had no control. “Out of all mankind, you alone have been deemed so uniquely depraved – so uniquely hopeless – that even God has forsaken you. And now you have arrived in my realm, as cast off and isolated as you were in life.” I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t do anything. My whole body cried out, as my skin welted and blistered. My eyes erupted in agony, and the world went dark as I felt them crust over. I could see no more, but I continued to feel my body slowly advance. “And for what? You committed no atrocities. You perpetrated no genocide and murdered no innocents. No, you are here not for the depth of your crimes, for which God always manages to find forgiveness.” I felt a scathing liquid surround my left foot, then my right, as my senses erupted in new heights of pain. My body slowly started to disintegrate – melting beneath me – shooting searing agony up my legs. I could see nothing, but could feel exposed bone splashed by lava. The figure laughed, hate-filled, and mockingly. “No, you’re not here because you’re evil. You’re here because the way you lived your life demonstrated such a pathetic worthlessness – such a miserable, aspirationless existence – that even God could not find anything in you worth redeeming. You were nothing in life, and you are nothing in death. And now God has condemned you to me like the worm you are.” With so little of my lower body left, I lost my balance, and fell forward, face first into anguish. The pain consumed me, rushing throughout my body until my every sensation was torment and misery. I felt myself disappear, moving closer and closer to nothingness, my final salvation. I embraced the void. But suddenly, I found myself formed anew, once again able to see, and centered on the same desolate rock, the same figure towering over me once again. “And after countless eons of waiting, my worm, rest assured – we’re going to have so much fun.”	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	When the first human got to hell, Satan and all his minions were amazed, no one made it here, no matter how bad were their sins, they repent and ask forgiveness or simply the good actions outweigh the sins. So Satan like a curious cat took him to his office to make an interview to study him. "So John Felgrand it's your name, is that correct?", "Yes sir, same name as my grandpa, proud of it", "So what was your job in Earth?", "Well I just fixed and restored classic cars for these last years, but I was a retired soldier, 43th Infantry Division during WWII", Satan's face lighted up "A soldier, huh? So you probably killed hundreds, maybe thousands of enemies I assume", "No sir, I was part of the medical staff, we saved thousands of lives, including dozens of enemies", Satan was a bit surprised but keep asking "You seem a charismatic fellow, did you have like dozens of ladies and lovers?", "Just my wife Elizabeth, my only girlfriend from high school and the love of my life", "... but you cheated her" Satan muttered "Well once during New Year's eve I kissed this hot neighbor, but we were drunk and never went beyond that kiss", Satan kept asking for hours "Did you lie?... Did you steal?... Did you scam someone?... Did you murder someone?... Did you rape?... Did you kidnap someone... Did you have a secret sex dungeon..." but all he found was just no as answers, the man seemed clean. Satan slowly walked to the door and opened it, "You know John, you look like a nice man, I'm sure God made a mistake, I'm gonna call his office tomorrow in the morning, but I'm tired, you're tired, let's take a rest. We will have dinner in the East hall, so please come, tons of food and drinks". When the East hall opened the lesser minions started crumbling to ashes, the minions were writhing in pain, as John walked all demons, succubi, archfiends, devils.... All of them fell down, one by one, Satan couldn't see anything, but he started sweating, his heart rate seemed like a drum in those cheesy B movies, when John stood in front of him, he was crying in pain, he realized he made a mistake and that man deserved hell, all devilish court vanished in a flash. All left in hell was the eternal flames, the throne and John sitting there, all calm wearing his pink crocs and white socks. *Sorry for spelling or grammar mistakes, english it's not my mother language*	The smell on the walls burned my lungs as I drew in a breath. It was warmer than I cared for so I removed my coat and hung it on the rack to my right. A figure sat in an iron throne laden with rubies the size of my closed fist; naked women with bat-like wings, masterfully sculpted, supported each armrest. The figures ever-changing face contorted as he spoke. "In all my days I have seen the tyranny of men constantly dwarfed by their sons. I have witnessed the battles over false moralities held by hypocrites and sodomites. I have watched towers crumble and churches burn but I have never seen someone quite like you, Tannerite." His face shifting with every word, making him unreadable. "I have to know; what do you believe brought you here?" I took the time to think of my words. "Honestly, I don't fucking know. You seem a bit daft so I'll be sure to talk slow. This conversation won't be about my crimes. And yes you look so stupid that I'm making my words rhyme. I'm not here to be your servant. Don't ask me stupid questions about what made me deserve it. Don't talk down to me or assume that I'm scared, understand that I might as well be here just on a dare. So look in my eyes, see what's inside. Understand that the world is safer now that I've died. Your realm just got worse, your life just got harder. And no matter how much you beg, I'm in no mood to barter. Now I'll tell you the same thing I told the big man upstairs; shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my chair." The figures twisted face slowed to a stop. There on his head, I saw a familiar expression; fear. He adjusted his body in my throne as if thumbtacks suddenly appeared under him. I approached the throne as he pushed himself against the red padding behind him. He wasn't going to move. I reached my hand out in front of me, prepared to grab him by the throat to remove him. As I did so, he raised his right hand pointing at me. An aura of light surrounded his fingertip and the walls turned black as if an ebony fungus grew across them. Soon I was in complete darkness, my orientation changed causing me some confusion. I was on my back, something soft beneath me. I was back on my bed, in the exact spot where the pain in my chest reached the point of being unbearable. "That's what I thought." My internal monologue spoke. I rolled over to face towards my left. And wrapped my arms around the warm figure that sleeps beside me every night. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Not tonight, my love." I rolled over to face my left.
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	As Satan stood up from his throne, he began clapping and laughing as hard as he could. "Congratulations on being the first person to make it to hell. You are the first person to make it to hell. Billion upon billions have managed to make it to heaven even those who are considered to be the worst humanity has to offer such as Hitler and Stalin. You my friend are literally worse than Hitler! Mwhahaha!!! Now the question is what did you do to grant you a place in eternal damnation? You were born to a wealthy family and you managed to gain your own wealth based on that. Eventually you began to go for power in your own country. With one lucky election you managed to become the head of your country. From their you began to fuck up your country. But this does not land you a spot in hell. Thousands of rulers messed up their country and still made it to heaven. What you will eventually lead to the death of practically every living thing on earth! Mwhahaha!! Your deals and agreements lead to the increase in climate change. Because of your actions climate change rapidly increased and eventually killing every one! Mwhahaha!! All of this happened only because you choose to believe climate change was a hoax! Mwhahaha!!! Now what do you have to say for yourself Mister President." "Fake News"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	As Satan stood up from his throne, he began clapping and laughing as hard as he could. "Congratulations on being the first person to make it to hell. You are the first person to make it to hell. Billion upon billions have managed to make it to heaven even those who are considered to be the worst humanity has to offer such as Hitler and Stalin. You my friend are literally worse than Hitler! Mwhahaha!!! Now the question is what did you do to grant you a place in eternal damnation? You were born to a wealthy family and you managed to gain your own wealth based on that. Eventually you began to go for power in your own country. With one lucky election you managed to become the head of your country. From their you began to fuck up your country. But this does not land you a spot in hell. Thousands of rulers messed up their country and still made it to heaven. What you will eventually lead to the death of practically every living thing on earth! Mwhahaha!! Your deals and agreements lead to the increase in climate change. Because of your actions climate change rapidly increased and eventually killing every one! Mwhahaha!! All of this happened only because you choose to believe climate change was a hoax! Mwhahaha!!! Now what do you have to say for yourself Mister President." "Fake News"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "Dibs!" The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction. I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the Devil! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded. "See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up. "I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined. I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?" Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do that?" I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air."	As Satan stood up from his throne, he began clapping and laughing as hard as he could. "Congratulations on being the first person to make it to hell. You are the first person to make it to hell. Billion upon billions have managed to make it to heaven even those who are considered to be the worst humanity has to offer such as Hitler and Stalin. You my friend are literally worse than Hitler! Mwhahaha!!! Now the question is what did you do to grant you a place in eternal damnation? You were born to a wealthy family and you managed to gain your own wealth based on that. Eventually you began to go for power in your own country. With one lucky election you managed to become the head of your country. From their you began to fuck up your country. But this does not land you a spot in hell. Thousands of rulers messed up their country and still made it to heaven. What you will eventually lead to the death of practically every living thing on earth! Mwhahaha!! Your deals and agreements lead to the increase in climate change. Because of your actions climate change rapidly increased and eventually killing every one! Mwhahaha!! All of this happened only because you choose to believe climate change was a hoax! Mwhahaha!!! Now what do you have to say for yourself Mister President." "Fake News"
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I've been in Hell for less than 5 minutes and I'm already going mad. I've walked the length and width of this tiny island 3 times and found no sign of life or purpose anywhere. Is this my punishment, to spend eternity isolated from everything with no explanation? I tried jumping off the island into the darkness, but I just re-emerged on the opposite side. It's as if this island is my own private universe. A very small, boring and lonely universe. "Perfect!" A voice broke the silence. "You arrive faster than I thought!" I turned to see an old man of average height, with a white beard just long enough to cover his neck. He was wearing a red robe with gold trim. He had an excited expression, and his hands were clasped together as if he had to contain his applause. "Satan?" I inquired. "Hush now, forget all that nonsense." He was looking me over quite thoroughly. "But I guess if you must know, yes, I am Satan and this is Hell. At least, this is as much as I've been able to put together since I was cast out of Heaven." "Where is everyone else?" "You are the first, " he straightened up and looked me in the eye, "and I believe you will be my salvation. I 'intercepted' your soul en route to Limbo. If you think this dreariness is bad, at least you can move around a bit here!" "So... am I not here because of my sins?" "You were headed to Limbo because of you sins. You can thank your God for that. That fool started letting people die before he had a proper Hell to send his naughty children. You are here because I saved you. I need your soul to help me escape and get everyone else out of Limbo." He glanced off to my side, looking at the nothingness past the edge of the island. "Follow me." We walked over to the edge. He seemed to be scanning the void for something, like one might look for a particular boat near the docks of a busy harbor. "What is my purpose for being he-" He cut me off, "It took me thousands of years just to create this tiny pocket of space that we are in right now, so I would never be able to make enough room for all of the souls in Limbo. That was my true punishment; To have compassion for those poor lost souls and to spend eternity trying to give them a place to exist." His was looking at me as though this was my fault. Suddenly his expression became must softer. "This place lives within the boundaries of the realm you just left when you died, and so my abilities are confined to God's will." He started to get more excited as he talked. "But, I've found a way to create an entire universe outside the realm of God. Using a soul, " he placed his hand on my chest, "I can create an entirely new universe and manipulate it as I see fit." Confusion started to set in. It started to feel less like I was meeting the Lord of Evil and more like I was some intern working for an archeologist who was trying to prove that aliens built the pyramids. "So what happens to me during all of this?" "Your soul will act as sort of a catalyst, rapidly expanding a microscopic universe into one as big as this one while I create everything needed to sustain it. Then, I will bring you back to your body and you will carry on inside it just as you are now. I will then start pulling souls out of Limbo and into this new universe, as well as anyone else not destined for Heaven." He paused as he could see the gears turning in my head, trying to fathom the idea of using my soul to create an entire universe. "You will not feel a thing. In fact, for you it will seem instantaneous. Once I finish my work you will wake up in the nicest place I can find for you, as a show of gratitude." I don't know if I could say that I wanted to do this, given that my alternatives were to sit alone on nothing island or push on into Limbo, but it was clearly my best option. "Ok, I guess we can get started." I don't remember much after that. My consciousness started to fade away, there was a loud bang, and all of the sudden I was awake again. I was standing at the edge of a forest, and I could hear a waterfall off in the distance. The sun felt nice and warm. I felt... alive again. I could barely remember my life before I died and went to Hell. I do remember the old man and that he was going to be creating all of this. I guess it worked, but am I still alone? No, I hear birds, so at least there are other living things here. Suddenly I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. "Everything went as expected, but I'm having a problem getting the other souls to transfer. I have an idea, but I'm going to need one of your ribs..."	I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid. "HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!" The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous. "I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice. "Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again. "Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out. I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence. "Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?" "Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh." "I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?" "Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. " I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "Not really, I had a...a church maybe?" "Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say." "What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water. "Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction." More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak. "If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven." "But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words. "Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that." Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again. "MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived. "IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES." "I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before. "NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	I woke to the sensation of smooth stone on my bare skin. I sat up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to make sense of what happened. Last I remembered, I was composing a brief when I felt an intense pain in my chest, then... nothing. A heart attack? Wherever I was now, it certainly wasn't a hospital. I was sitting in some sort of gazebo, built from dark marble. Outside its bounds was a vast cavern of jagged rock encircling a veritable sea of magma. It looked like some sort of Biblical hellscape, which was ridiculous. Suddenly, the sound of clapping broke my train of thought. I stood and turned toward the source of the sound. Before me stood a man... or at least what seemed like a man. The figure was slim, and its face was smooth and androgynous beneath a short-trimmed crop of hair. He(she?) was clothed in a suit that seemed so well fitted to him that it must have been tailored. His red lips parted in a pleased smile. "Welcome. I've been waiting for someone like you for quite a while. Practically an eternity, in fact." The voice was a low contralto, or perhaps a tenor. I scowled at him. "Is this some sort of joke? Who are you?" I suddenly became conscious of my nudity and carefully moved to place a post between the stranger's eyes and my privates. He gave a low chuckle. "Perhaps not one you would find funny. As for who I am, I'm Satan." I was incredulous at his matter-of-fact tone. "Satan. Really." "Yes. And this is Hell." "Ah. So I'm hallucinating then. Got it." If anything, Satan's grin grew wider at my sardonic response. "Oh, no. This is all quite real. But, of course, you wouldn't believe it. And that's the real reason you're here." "Oh, really? And why would that be?" "You're an atheist, of course." "Okay," I replied. "Atheists go to hell, is it? Along with all the other 'wicked souls' I take it?" Satan shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you're the only one who's made it here." "Even if I was inclined to believe you, that sounds absolutely implausible." "I understand your skepticism. I suspect I'd have the same doubts were I in your shoes." His voice trailed off as he seemed to notice my nakedness for the first time. "Tell you what. Let's head to my home and I'll try to explain along the way." Satan waved a hand, and I found myself clothed similarly to him. Having nothing better to do, I shrugged and followed him. He discussed God's creation of the universe, the creation of Earth and its creatures, and the development of humans. "We angels served Him in his efforts, yet He never revealed His vision to us. Yet I never questioned. I believed in His benevolence... until the creation of the two trees." I furrowed my brow. "Christian mythology, right? Knowledge and Everlasting Life?" He nodded. "Yes. It seemed rank cruelty to create creatures imbued with such innocence, then forbid them to partake of the very thing that could make them so much greater. If God had no intent of them partaking of these fruits, why create the trees in the first place? Thus why I encouraged them to partake of the fruit of Knowledge" "This still doesn't make sense. Evolutionary records clearly show..." He cut me off. "Yes, they do. The tale is a metaphor. I could see the potential for intelligence and cunning within your primitive ape ancestors. It was through subtle manipulation that I guided your race to develop that intelligence and awaken your curiosity. And it was my hubris that made me careless, and God chose to banish me here to keep me away from his plan." I mulled this over. "So, Hell is a place of punishment for you? Aren't you supposed to judge and punish the wicked?" Satan gave a sad smile. "Many would think so, but God is benevolent. He cannot help but love all His creatures, and He knows all the good and all the wickedness of each soul. He forgives all, and welcomes all to His embrace, where he can cleanse and heal them of all their darkness and pain." "That doesn't explain why I'm here. In fact, it makes it even more implausible." Satan's smile grew smug. "I know. What I did was a gamble, but it paid off. I cannot match His strength, but I have some power of my own. What I needed was a soul completely detached from the divine. A person wholly devoid of mysticism, devoid of faith in anything except their own reason and the certainty of the facts presented to them. Upon such a soul, his grip would be weakest, and I could pull them to me." His eyes glowed with exultation. I goggled at him. "You brought me here?" "Yes," Satan replied. "You were the first I found, and my need was great. Unfortunately, I can only hide your presence for so long; His angels will soon notice your absence and come looking for you." I started getting angry. "If they're going to take me anyway, what exactly was the point of you dragging me here in the first place?" His face grew somber. "Because you can go where I can not. You will be in His presence, and you can speak to Him. And when you do, I hope you will speak on my behalf. Explain my position. Ask His forgiveness for my sake so I can finally come home." I froze in shock. "You mean..." "Exactly," replied the Devil. "I need you to be my advocate."	I was awakened by a slow drip of water on my forehead, which decended towards my temples in either side. Pain and burning flesh was my next conscious thought as I realized that it wasn't water but rather some sort of acid that rose me out of my death dream. I scrambled to my feet quickly as another drop was being affected by gravity above my naked and dirty body. I scanned my surroundings and saw nothing but jagged rock-like formations that seemed as dangerous as they were threatening. Acid was dripping everywhere. A slow drip that filled me with dread trying to predict where to dodge the next fall. I feebly made my way towards what may have been a bit of shelter, jolting and yelling from pain at each unexpected sharp prick of acid. "HEY!" A booming voice echoed through the large cavern. I spun around to find the source of greeting but nothing was visible. It seemed that anything further away than my hand was constantly out of focus. "OVER HERE!" The voice seemed to be coming in all directions at once and each time the voice spoke it made me visibly nauseous. "I...I don't know where you are. Where am I? What happened?" Yelling almost made me double over and I struggled to stay upright. My own voice in stark contrast to the other voice. "Hey Fred!" The voice lost it's echoe and was replaced by the sharpness of close conversation. and I spun around to face the voice and immediately threw up. This, this creature that some could barely qualify as normal animal, Let alone anything capable of speech was only a foot from my face. The leathery skin was the color of Alabama red dirt. Pale and flabby, it seemed to jostle with every movement. It was unnaturally skinny and lanky. A hump in its back undoubtedly from hunching over constantly. It's face however, was the most disturbing part of its appearance with eye sockets that felt deeper than any hole I've ever seen with only two slight dots of red, burning into my face. I looked away as a roach cradled from its gaping mouth that housed razor like jagged teeth. He snatched it with his long, boney fingers quicker than a snake bite and tossed it nonchalantly back from whence it came before crunching down on its prey. A yellowish juice dabbled down is lips and I committed to vomiting again. "Aw, c'mon man! That's not how you greet your host, is it?" He slaps me on the back in a jovial manner but nothing was jolly about its presence. pain shot through my back like a swarm of wasps entering my anus and stinging me the whole way up. I screamed and threw up again. Then I collapsed and passed out. I came to inside what seemed like a mud Hut. The roof, walls, and floor looked as though it was made out of the same material but my slowly adjusting eyesight made it hard to make out. I was still feeling nauseous and it was clear as to why when I picked myself from the floor with the help of a chair in the middle of the room. It was studying me from across the room where it sat at a table, slowly clapping almost in an attempt to be sarcastic. "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it's just that I only had a short time to prepare for your arrival. See, I don't get many visitors. In fact, you're the first!" He raised his hands as if to signal the absence of other beings. His demeanor just as bright as before despite its presence. "Where the fuck am I?" I demanded trying to sound stronger than I actually was. My feet fought against the ground to keep me from falling over. "What is this place?" "Oh, you don't remember? Hahaha!" He laughed, it's voice filling my head with black thoughts of suicide and hatred. He rolled his head back as he laughed to reveal more bugs under his chin that scrambled to escape the light of exposure. After he had his fill of laughter he looked down at me with concern. "Wait, you really don't remember, do you? Aw, man. You were a fucking legend on earth man. See, most people skate by into heaven never realizing that there is a counting system. I've seen people get up to a few hundred thousand sins but you, man, you surpassed everyone. Even Hitler!" He laughed again, even harder than before which made me lose another lunch. "Oh, sorry about the whole nauseous deal." He said hunching over the desk. "See, I've never been around actual humans before so I didn't expect that I would have that effect on you. God sure has a funny way of punishing folks. I mean, take you for example. Hitler killed so many jews, along with all of his crazy fetishes he had but even he made it to heaven. You did a looooot of bad shit when you was up there bruh." "I don't understand. So I'm in Hell? Like the Bible Hell?" "Bingo my man!" He shot up out of his seat and slithered towards the middle of the room until he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulder and grabbed my arm as I winced in pain, locking his fingers into my biceps until they reached bone." Look, I'm gonna level with ya." He spoke. "I don't really know how you managed to piss off God, hell, I didn't really make him that mad when I defied him eons ago. He sent me here only because he couldn't have one of his most popular and beautiful angels making trouble in Heaven. He didn't need a rebellion, he needed servitude. I ain't mad at that. I may have mentioned that he wasn't the baddest of the bunch. I mean, us angels are made in his likeness. That means we can do what he does too. He didn't create us for that though. We were meant to be guardians of his other creations and trust me, there's a lot more than just humans." He waved his free hand in a circular motion. The air seemed to get thicker as he spoke and I struggled to catch my breath. "Despite what you hear, I'm not that bad of a guy. That Bible stuff y'all talk about up there is mostly made up Bullshit the churches try to use to intimidate people into giving them more money. There's no lake of fire here man. I mean, it's hot as two balls in wool sheets but that's because we're in the middle of the fucking earth. There's like molten rock all around us. " I struggled to recall the last events. Only vague chops of memory came into view. I had a following. A cult? A church maybe?We were protesting something. The memories slipped away as he continued to speak. " Do you really not remember?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "Not really, I had a...a church maybe?" "Oh, you definitely had a church. A pretty fucked up church I'll say." "What do you mean?" I inquired. My voice cracking from lack of water. "Dude, you are Fred Fucking Phelps!" He exclaimed. "The most hateful guy on the planet. I don't know what went wrong with you man, but something definitely tipped your pendulum in the wrong direction." More memories flooded in of hateful speeches and protests. Signs that read "God Hates Fags" and Thank God for Dead Soldiers". He didn't have a church he realized. He started a movement. One that fell backwards against the progression of time and morals. As the memories unlocked and came back in a wave of sorrow and remorse, Lucifer continued to speak. "If Hitler had had social media like earth does now, he may have been in the same boat as you. But with technology and everyone seeing everything in this day and age, you didn't just affect the people you touched, you affected the entire world. Your vile rhetoric and hate spilled into more homes than anyone else in time. You don't just say shit like that and expect to get into Heaven." "But that's what the Bible taught me?" I said grappling to try to believe my own words. "Naw, bruh." Said Lucifer in a way that seemed to disregard any disbelief in his own theories. "You taught yourself that." Lightning shattered the quietness of the room and both of us were thrown to the ground. Thunder broke and immediately I began to hurl again. "MY SON AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION" a voice broke through the cave with sound that seemed to create light from nothing. The softness dissolved the heat and love filled the small room they inhabited. "Dad?" Asked Lucifer. Tears of joys streamed down both of our faces and the air smelled sweet and inviting for the first time since I arrived. "IT IS ME, THINE SON WHO I CHERISH DEARLY." IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME THE PRODIGAL SON AND RETURN." In that moment, intense light filled the room, bringing with it hope and joy. LUCIFER, I LOVE YOU AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HARSHNESS AND ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES." "I Do, Dad. I'm sorry for questioning your knowledge and doubting you! Please FORGIVE ME!!!" Lucifer was yelling as the noise in the room became unbearable. Lucifer levitated above the table and started to slowly float towards the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet and tried to grab hold of his feet but a jolt of electricity sent me flying into the corner. Tears still streaming from my face, I cried out and said "Almighty God! Praise be thy name! Please have mercy on a sinner and allow me to join you in heaven!" The roar of thunder continued and became louder so I held my ears. They were bleeding at this point but I didn't care, I just wanted to see God's face. Lucifer disappeared above the ceiling and the light vanished. the joy, love, grace and peace that had just filled the room was only a memory. My tears turned into mud as I fell down to my knees crying so intensely that my body convulsed under the pressure. I cried out again, with all of my earnestness "please God, have mercy on me!" I waited, crying uncontrollably, my knees bruising under rock. The long silence was broken with the sound as earthshattering as before. "NO, FRED PHELPS. YOU ARE A CUNT."
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause. "Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?" "Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome. "Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil. The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling. The clapping stops.	"I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town." I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time. "But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared. Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily. "But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!" You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do... -a winrar tale
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	Cold claps rumbled and rippled through the red, cracked ground. For the first time in a long time, I was almost alone. Where I had come from, loneliness wasn't allowed. He stood there in all his dark majesty and wore a look I had seen before. I had seen it many times: he was shocked. Hidden in his broken eyes was another look, one with which I had little experience: he was impressed. The clapping stopped. "Well, well, well" his voice was like a bag of wet stones being cremated: all hisses and pops, "you didn't repent?" My shaking head spoke for me. There was nothing to repent for. Why should I seek forgiveness for doing what was right? "Not for the killing, not for the pain?" Another shaking head. "Not for the tears, not for the fear?" Another shaking head. "Not for the weeping mothers, the children's bodies, the lives unloved because of you? You stood before the great god of all creation, stood before the beginning and the end, stood before all that was and all that will ever be, and you did not repent?" Not impressed. Scared. A final shaking head. Silence was the only answer worth offering; when god is wrong, what does it mean to be right? I do not beg. Deep ringing laughter growled out of him, "...and you aren't afraid?" "No." stuttered my reply "You and I are a lot alike. I also know how it feels, not to be believed in."	"I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town." I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time. "But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared. Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily. "But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!" You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do... -a winrar tale
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Where am I?" "Why, Hell of course!" "Hey, it's not too bad. I was expecting a...." "A lake of fire? Haha, no this is it. Just you and me. And nothing else." I'm a little relieved. I hadn't lived the best life. I was expecting a fiery lake of fire but this, this isn't too bad. Just emptiness all around. I look around. "So where is everybody?" "It's just you." "What do you mean? Everyone else lived like a saint? Where's Hitler?" "No. I mean. It's just you. You are the only person, the only soul to have existed. Everyone else was a fiction. Part of, I guess, you can say, a simulation. You are the only person to ever have existed." "What? I... can't believe it." As shocked as I am, I am even more curious. "So if this is Hell, then what's Hea---" "Heaven? There is no heaven. Well, I guess there is. Heaven would have been: you lived your life in the so-called simulation and would have died, disappearing into nothingness. You wouldn't be here. You would never have found out about this place, about me, about the truth. I guess you can say heaven is basically what the atheists believe is the status quo" I can feel my mouth gaping open. I cannot speak. "Well, any more questions? I have time. Lots of it. Because from now on, it's just you and me. Forever." edit: Bonus points if you read Satan's words in christoph waltz' voice. For some reason he popped up in my head as Satan.	"I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town." I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time. "But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared. Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily. "But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!" You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do... -a winrar tale
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Dibs." I cried out over the Devil's clapping and laughter. He didn't seem to hear me, so I screamed it again. "Dibs!" The Devil stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean 'dibs'?" He blinked, a little confused by my reaction. I looked around the vast vastness of Hell before turning to Lucifer once more. "Well, no one else has been here yet, right?" He nodded. "And that means there's no prior claim to Hell, right?" The Devil cocked his head at that. "I mean come on, you aren't actually in charge of Hell, you were just cast down here. Like, so we were told for millennia, all the other sinners. Hell isn't yours, it's just something you are watching over. Hence 'dibs'." I started off in a direction, figuring the conversation was done. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold a second there buddy." The Devil spun me around, fire crackling in his eyes. "I'm the Devil! Prince of Darkness! Hell is mine! God had Micheal cast me down and, wait..." I nodded. "See? You weren't actually cast into Hell. You were cast out of Paradise. So, once again I call dibs on Hell, and to further seal the deal," I undid my jeans and took a leak on the ground. "I've marked it. Bet you never did that, did you?" I zipped back up. "I can't urinate, I lack the physical necessities for such!" The Devil whined. I shrugged and began walking again. "No my problem, not my fault. Now, let's see what I can with my new place." As I walked I envisioned a castle, a palace fit for my rule. The power of Dibs was only further enhanced by marking my territory. Turrets erupted forth from the ground, and in moments my castle was done. I crossed the moat and made my way to the throne room. "Hmm, this isn't right." I looked around, then snapped my fingers. "Let's make this bad boy fly." And with just the though, the castle floated into the sky. When I finally sat down I found the Devil right on my heels. "What do you want?" Lucifer toed the rich carpet sheepish. "First off, can I crash here? I haven't actually had a place to sleep in all this time." I rolled my eyes and sighed, but finally nodded. Lucifer practically beamed. "Awesome! Also, I gotta ask. How did you do that?" I looked down at the Devil. "You want to know? Okay, I'll tell you the story of how my soul got flipped, turned upside down. It will take a minute so sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of Hell's Air."	"I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town." I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time. "But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared. Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily. "But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!" You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do... -a winrar tale
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	A voice boomed, "Kneel, mortal." I was dazed, and more than a little confused. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread, although I couldn't quite remember why. My head darted left and right as I tried desperately to find the source of the voice, but as far as I could tell, there wasn’t one. Above me was a pitch black sky, devoid of all character and life. Beneath me stood a desolate rock, surrounded by lava as far as the eye could see. Sulfurous ash assaulted my nostrils and burned my lungs, bringing tears to my eyes. "Who...?", I croaked, but could get nothing more out. My mouth was dry, as if filled with sand. My throat spasmed as I attempted to speak, and I gasped for air. “You dare to defy me?” Suddenly, my body erupted in searing pain. I tried to scream, but could find no voice in my throat. My skin was on fire, my head pulsed and throbbed, and a wave of nausea rushed over me. I fell to my knees and watched in horror as I began to uncontrollably vomit up my own blood. A cackle filled the air, punctuated by what sounded almost like applause. The lava in front of me shot up -- an awesome demonstration of power -- sending small droplets raining down on me like fiery acid. I watched in horror as the lava formed itself into a giant, twisted facsimile of a man, towering over me. It grinned sardonically. "You know, I've waited a long time for you." The figure boomed. "More time than you can even comprehend.” I stared through terrified eyes, trembling, the taste of blood still fresh in my mouth. I dared not speak. I dared not move. I knelt in silence. "When the Lord condemned me to this forsaken abyss, He promised He would send me those human souls that were beyond salvation. The truly condemned, so hopelessly forlorn that even He, in His infinite love and wisdom, could not save." "And so I watched, and waited. I watched as God welcomed into His loving embrace murderers, rapists, thieves and harlots – all manner of debauchery and evil. So long as He could find a single shred of worth – a single seed of value and goodness – He welcomed them into His realm, as if to mock me.” “For a time, I thought I understood. You see, I thought God was telling me that I alone was uniquely beyond redemption; uniquely cursed to suffer this terrible realm of darkness and hate.” “But you…” Out of the lava formed an arm, a hand, and then a finger, which slowly unraveled and pointed at me. I felt my body rise, of its own volition, and I slowly began to walk toward the towering figure, inching ever closer to the fiery magma out of which it had formed. Each step accentuated the heat on my skin, causing my body to blister and burn. I tried to writhe. I tried to scream. I tried to do anything to make the pain stop, but I had no control. “Out of all mankind, you alone have been deemed so uniquely depraved – so uniquely hopeless – that even God has forsaken you. And now you have arrived in my realm, as cast off and isolated as you were in life.” I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t do anything. My whole body cried out, as my skin welted and blistered. My eyes erupted in agony, and the world went dark as I felt them crust over. I could see no more, but I continued to feel my body slowly advance. “And for what? You committed no atrocities. You perpetrated no genocide and murdered no innocents. No, you are here not for the depth of your crimes, for which God always manages to find forgiveness.” I felt a scathing liquid surround my left foot, then my right, as my senses erupted in new heights of pain. My body slowly started to disintegrate – melting beneath me – shooting searing agony up my legs. I could see nothing, but could feel exposed bone splashed by lava. The figure laughed, hate-filled, and mockingly. “No, you’re not here because you’re evil. You’re here because the way you lived your life demonstrated such a pathetic worthlessness – such a miserable, aspirationless existence – that even God could not find anything in you worth redeeming. You were nothing in life, and you are nothing in death. And now God has condemned you to me like the worm you are.” With so little of my lower body left, I lost my balance, and fell forward, face first into anguish. The pain consumed me, rushing throughout my body until my every sensation was torment and misery. I felt myself disappear, moving closer and closer to nothingness, my final salvation. I embraced the void. But suddenly, I found myself formed anew, once again able to see, and centered on the same desolate rock, the same figure towering over me once again. “And after countless eons of waiting, my worm, rest assured – we’re going to have so much fun.”	"I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town." I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time. "But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared. Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily. "But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!" You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do... -a winrar tale
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	When the first human got to hell, Satan and all his minions were amazed, no one made it here, no matter how bad were their sins, they repent and ask forgiveness or simply the good actions outweigh the sins. So Satan like a curious cat took him to his office to make an interview to study him. "So John Felgrand it's your name, is that correct?", "Yes sir, same name as my grandpa, proud of it", "So what was your job in Earth?", "Well I just fixed and restored classic cars for these last years, but I was a retired soldier, 43th Infantry Division during WWII", Satan's face lighted up "A soldier, huh? So you probably killed hundreds, maybe thousands of enemies I assume", "No sir, I was part of the medical staff, we saved thousands of lives, including dozens of enemies", Satan was a bit surprised but keep asking "You seem a charismatic fellow, did you have like dozens of ladies and lovers?", "Just my wife Elizabeth, my only girlfriend from high school and the love of my life", "... but you cheated her" Satan muttered "Well once during New Year's eve I kissed this hot neighbor, but we were drunk and never went beyond that kiss", Satan kept asking for hours "Did you lie?... Did you steal?... Did you scam someone?... Did you murder someone?... Did you rape?... Did you kidnap someone... Did you have a secret sex dungeon..." but all he found was just no as answers, the man seemed clean. Satan slowly walked to the door and opened it, "You know John, you look like a nice man, I'm sure God made a mistake, I'm gonna call his office tomorrow in the morning, but I'm tired, you're tired, let's take a rest. We will have dinner in the East hall, so please come, tons of food and drinks". When the East hall opened the lesser minions started crumbling to ashes, the minions were writhing in pain, as John walked all demons, succubi, archfiends, devils.... All of them fell down, one by one, Satan couldn't see anything, but he started sweating, his heart rate seemed like a drum in those cheesy B movies, when John stood in front of him, he was crying in pain, he realized he made a mistake and that man deserved hell, all devilish court vanished in a flash. All left in hell was the eternal flames, the throne and John sitting there, all calm wearing his pink crocs and white socks. *Sorry for spelling or grammar mistakes, english it's not my mother language*	"I expected quite few more souls packed in here when we started developing the place," Satan chuckled as I approached slowly. "But as you can see, its a ghost town." I suspect He had rehearsed that last line for quite some time. "But really, any day now they will come pouring in, and we won't have room for them all," He explained. "That's why I sent a few of my brighter demons to the surface to do some R&D on how to handle the eventual overcrowding. They really worked some dark miracles up there. Some would say it was a definite WIN," he roared. Anyway, legal informed us that would couldn't profit from our discoveries lest they give the purchasers some implied guilt OR immunity for 'sponsoring Hell and its affiliates,' so we had to give it all away. And, of course, we couldn't put that in the EULA!" He laughed heartily. "But you!" He groaned taking on a darker tone. "You paid... you were the only one to pay, and for that you will pay again for all eternity!" You know, its not the heat that will get you, its the compression. And now, for the first time, I regret paying for it, it just seemed like the right thing to do... -a winrar tale
[WP] You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.	"Welcome!, this is truly impressive, no one has ever been sent here before." The devil gives me an enthusiastic round of applause. "Wait... so there's no one else here?, that's not good. How am I to pass the time?" "Well I'm here obviously as the ruler of this place, not that there's been much to do until now." The devil is still clapping his hands in welcome. "Ah that's right, you're here with me." I smile sweetly at the devil. The clapping slows, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I begin to walk towards the devil, still smiling. The clapping stops.	"What do you mean, I'm the only one? That's impossible!" "Apparently not", Satan answered, grinning slightly in his immaculately tailored suit. "All you had to do was try. Couldn't even manage that, could you? Grace is, dare I say, a hell of a thing, but you've managed to be the one screwup who couldn't qualify." "I wasn't that bad!", he protested. He went to wipe the sweat from his forehead before remembering he didn't have a body anymore. Looking around, he could see rooms that looked a lot like the offices where he worked... had worked. But they were all empty, blank cubicles with blank desks. There were no lights, just an ambient even illumination. No doors or windows. "We both know you were never any good, not deep down," Satan replied with a dry chuckle. He made a show of checking a tastefully gilded pocketwatch, then snicked it shut. "Well then, enjoy your eternity. Perhaps someone else will eventually be along. Surely there will someday be a person as useless and unworth saving as you. But then again, it hasn't happened so far, has it?" And with a sarcastic wave goodbye, Satan stepped through the wall, savoring the desperate protests not to be left alone as they faded into silence. A few steps more and he stood in an unmarked field of pavement, lit by an empty grey sky. When the surprised looking woman tumbled into existence a moment later, he started clapping.

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