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Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave The first bat asks the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?” ​ “I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.” | reddit/r/jokes(score=34) |
{'question': 'Only women can be victims of harassment', 'response': 'If it was about men, it would be called hisassmeant.'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'What do you call a sad coffee', 'response': 'A depresso'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What do you get if you cross a frog with a decathlete? Someone who pole-vaults without a pole. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Someone asked me what I thought about Sour Patch Kids', 'response': 'My opinion of them is bittersweet'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'Are bees allergic to pollen', 'response': 'I mean, it gives them hives'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Just had donkey soup Taste like ass | reddit/r/jokes(score=25) |
The new mouthwash I bought says "24 HOUR PROTECTION ....use twice daily" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
"Try it, it's so good!" "Come on, man. Just a taste." "I'm having some. Mmmm." "Trust me." Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Funny Jokes - Lots of Funny Jokes | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don't enjoy life. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Yo mama is so black when she went outside the street lights turned on! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
God isn’t that different from us regular folk | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
Roses are red. Violets are red. Tulips are red. Bushes are red. Trees are red. Holy shit! My garden is on FIRE! | reddit/r/jokes(score=18) |
Helium walks into a bar The bartender says “we don’t serve noble gasses” It didn’t react | reddit/r/jokes(score=69) |
What the mull it actually means is that there's nothing I won't put in my body. So I am vaccinated. but just to be clear, we're all on the same page here. There's no confusion. I was autistic first. I just wasn't a cool object like I couldn't do anything cool like like count cards or remember birthdays, you know. so wh... | tiktok_standup |
When did razors get so expensive? Three more payments and I'll be able to shave | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I told my dentist to make my teeth whiter.. so he named them Logan and moved them to a gated community. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I went to a therapist and told him I was having wife trouble... He immediately noticed that I didn’t have a wedding ring and he said “Sir your not even married.” And then I said “That’s why I am having wife troubles!” And started crying. | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
I’ve been thinking about moving to California I heard the housing market’s on fire right now | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
Nurse, I have to pee. Yeah, you got a pure wick on, so it's just kind of going to do it for you. Well, I have to pee. It's going to pee for me. It'll pee for me. It's not going to do it for you, but it'll clean it up. It'll help me pee. Do you know what I mean? Just sucks it up. See, you're going to have to do it, but ... | tiktok_standup |
How's your new Thai girlfriend, Dave?" "Who told you her name? | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
How do Russians put windows in? Putin Windows duh. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five. But he left me hanging. | reddit/r/jokes(score=2436) |
A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity.. She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper. He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher. Men are simpl... | reddit/r/jokes(score=175) |
It's pretty rude how they'll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What would a pig name a chain of food stores? "Stop "N Slop Markets" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What kind of foods do arthritic cannibals love to eat? Finger foods... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you get if you breed a Green Lantern, a car and an atheist? Willing suspension of disbelief | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Do you know that crazy Mexican that steals trains? He had loco motives | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why is revenge a dish best served cold? Because it's just-ice | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I once called a psychic She asked who this was, so I hung up. | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
Why did Wolverine stop checking his e-mail? He kept forgetting his Logan and password. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What are we gonna do with all this extra cocaine? The previous sentence has never been spoken in the history of earth | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I went to a gender reveal party yesterday | reddit/r/jokes(score=171) |
Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon? Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
When you first meet a potential partner, slap them in the face. That way, later on in the relationship they cant say, 'you don't treat me like you used too!' | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I love my mom. but here's the thing: When you have a Filipino household, no positive reinforcement, None, No well wishes, No kind words, Not at your house, No, Right. In fact, what my mom used to do to motivate me was she would compare me to somebody else, Right? I don't know if that's a Filipino thing, but I'm pretty ... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'If. I was a teacher. I would want my last name to be conception. So my students would call me. Miss', 'response': 'Conception'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
No matter how kind you are... ...German children will always be kinder. Edit: Since you guys seem to like German jokes so much. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between my car and my girlfriend? My car isn't 10 years old. | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
You wanna hear the best joke of the year? Your belt size. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's worse than getting dumped by your girlriend? Getting denied by a car when hitch-hiking. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "What's a dentist's favorite hymn", 'response': 'Crown Him With Many Crowns (credit to my dad for his amazing sense of humor and terrible dental hygiene)'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Can a ninja kill someone with a throwing star? Shuriken. | reddit/r/jokes(score=407) |
Why does the new new French navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old French navy. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If you are reading this, you are not Floyd Mayweather. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'A girl told me her eyes hurt, so. I told her to look at me because', 'response': "I'm a sight for sore eyes."} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I didn’t understand why everyone gave me a dirty look when I called the two girls hipsters... Apparently the proper term is “conjoined twins” | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
What do a Tupperware designer and a horny walrus have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If I'm ever in an accident while driving and tweeting and you're the first person to arrive on the scene, grab my phone and press "Send." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What is it called when a bunch of people, all under 5'2", go to a raging party? High wasted shorts! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A farmer isn’t just good at his job He’s outstanding in his field | reddit/r/jokes(score=61) |
Blind man walks with his dog into a convenience store. He lifts his dog by the leash and starts swinging it over his head. Store manager runs over and ask "can I help you with anything!" Blind man says "no thanks, I'm just looking around." | reddit/r/jokes(score=34) |
Why is Klezmer music so addictive? Once you Hava Nagila, you'll want another! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why can’t you trick an unemployed jester? He’s nobody’s fool | reddit/r/jokes(score=26) |
How do you measure a milf? themommeter | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Kangaroo can jump higher than a house Mostly because houses can't jump | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Two Cheese Trucks crashed into each other De Brie went everywhere | reddit/r/jokes(score=40) |
What did the RGB light strip say to the memory stick? You're not very bright. In fact, you're just DIMM. | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why does the NSA only do anal? Because they backdoor their way into everything. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
An invisible bomb was just invented, what do you call it? A newclear bomb. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It’s not that hard. | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
What do you call a black kid riding a bike????? A thief.... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I was on my knees all night, screwing this nut from behind... ...when I woke up this morning, my hands were really sore. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
All these jokes about the note 7 are terrible But they have really blown up ( ) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Me: I can't get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth Friend: I love those candies Me: Candies? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the monster go into hospital? To have his ghoul-stones removed. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A boy's mother was vacuuming her 13 year old son's bedroom She comes across a pile of serious bondage gear and fetish mags under his bed. She tells her husband and asks "What do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him." | reddit/r/jokes(score=38) |
In Canada, you are more likely to be killed by a kick of a moose than by a terrorist attack. Those damn moose limbs! | reddit/r/jokes(score=53) |
"Your under arrest!" No, YOU'RE under arrest *police looks around points to himself & mouths 'me'* Yeah you. *he tosses me cop car keys* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I keep trying to leave Rome... But all the roads have this weird thing... | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
Really not liking this new Reddit app update. I'm going to be sharing it all day. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Nickolodean are doing an underwater version of paw patrol starting crabs It's called Claw Patrol", 'response': 'I managed to get a groan and an eye roll from the wife for that one'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': "Priest got me today. Background: My priest and cantor came to bless my house today. Afterwards, we were talking a bit and he made a pretty funny joke. I laughed and said That's a pretty funny dad joke. His response: That's Father Joke to you", 'response': 'Cue the eye roll and forehead slap from the canto... | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why was 56 scared? Because 28 8 1. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Whats long and black? the unemployed line. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Sex is like Indian food It can taste good, but also rupture your anus. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I can see for miles , said', 'response': "Miles' seeing-eye dog."} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Wanted to get a Ham sandwich, but ended up with a Cheese one by mistake. oops, wrong sub. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. | mined:various / Demetri Martin standup |
I suffer from anal glaucoma. I just can't see my ass going into work today. | reddit/r/jokes(score=22) |
My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night... But it's OK. I don't think we could have stayed anyway, we didn't have a reservation. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Policeman: Name please? Woman: Cheryl Cole Policeman: Your FULL name Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I was on a roll today', 'response': 'Now there’s butter on my shoes'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'What type of music are balloons scared of', 'response': 'Pop'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three? Because they literally can't even. | reddit/r/jokes(score=5201) |
Now that we have finally started to accept LGBT people inour society... ...I think Iowans will soon follow | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid." | reddit/r/jokes(score=148) |
{'question': 'How does a pig go to the hospital', 'response': 'In a hambulance'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
There's some people who are pretty upset about this new AIDS monument that just went up in Palm Springs. You think it might be, because it looks like a nine foot tall concrete butthole. This shouldn't be a monument for AIDS. This should be a monument for YouTube, Because that's what my butthole's gonna look like when Y... | tiktok_standup |
A man is going to sleep, when his wife decides to surprise him with a blowjob | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why does it always have to be "he's addicted to drugs"? Why can't it be, "he's passionate about drugs". | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I just unlocked the "My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare" badge on Foursquare! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
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