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My wife is like a dream. She makes no sense, she is full of surprises and eventually she’s probably gone. | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
Yo girl, you must be a butterfly 'Cuz I feel like I wanna mount you. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'At the casino a woman accused me of assault. And. I say But', 'response': "I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people."} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I'm all about fitness fit'ness whole burger into my mouth | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why do bald men cut holes in there pockets? To run their hands through their hair | Maximofn/short-jokes |
It's too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Every minute arguing semantics on the internet Is exactly 43.56 seconds wasted. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the kid drop his ice cream? | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
Timing and delivery is important for jokes. Well, except for abortion jokes. | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the chicken cross the road To get to the other side ( ) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school." Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too." Mother: "Yes, you do." Victor: "Give me one good reason." Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal." | reddit/r/jokes(score=210) |
My waitress today had a black eye.. So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
Joke It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
After 10 years of raising their child , the mother notices that the kid looks different. So, she decided to do a DNA test. The results come out, and show that the child isn't theirs. She tells her husband, "I have some terrible news, dear. This is not our baby!". The husband replies, "yes, do you not remember? When we ... | reddit/r/jokes(score=136) |
{'question': 'what happened to the ice cream army', 'response': 'They deserted'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I like my women like I like my plastic bags.... Degradable. | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
{'question': 'What was the last thing went through the bugs mimd when it hit the windshield', 'response': 'His ass'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Yesterday, my friend swore that his fields were constantly covered in mysterious crap that kept reappearing week after week after week. It was all bull shit. | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
I've been in prison for only 5 minutes, and I've already been raped. I hate playing monopoly with my dad | reddit/r/jokes(score=125) |
If water is h20, what is ice H2O^3 | Maximofn/short-jokes |
After being on tour for 45 straight days, the only place I want to be is home, sweet home, And yapping on a czar makes that so much more comfortable and less lonely. You can only talk to the dog about your problems for so long before it thinks about running away. What's up, dude? Right now I'm doing a co-op placement a... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'This sub can be a good ice breaker. http://imgur', 'response': 'com/9gYByKd'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I once dated a homeless girl. splitting the bill wasn't always easy but at least after our date I could drop her off anywhere. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What do you call a more formal version of Shanghai', 'response': 'Shang-hello'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it. It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car. | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
I thought my girlfriend was a slut when she told me i was her thirty second lover But then I realize she was talking about time | reddit/r/jokes(score=95) |
I'm at my absolute fakest when I'm wishing people happy birthday on Facebook. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Wife: "they're disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!" Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I really like you, Sam. I'm even gonna make this a little bit easier. Why don't we just forget about the cup for this round? okay, Because you seemed weirdly confused by it. So this time I'm gonna focus on this little guy. okay, Don't worry, the little guys are usually more grateful. anyway, Did you hear that It was al... | tiktok_standup |
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Ma'am this is an aquarium" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did you hear about the dwarf fortune teller that killed two of his clients? Police are looking for a small medium at large. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
When I signed up for college they said I had to take a 'Fat Awareness' class I said that do we need 'Fat Awareness' for? They're so easy to spot. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What are cats favorite Internet Service provider? Comcat. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do asparagus and anal sex have in common? The more it's forced on you as a child, the more you dislike it as an adult. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
3 - DAD! HEY DAD! Me: Don't yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me 3 - *walks over* 3 - I stepped in dog poop, what should I do? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I've never laughed at anything any of you losers have posted here on this forum. It's sad as fuck. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The lord said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life"... But John came in fifth and won a toaster instead. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Phone Babies A few days ago I broke my phone and was out the door to get it fixed. As I was leaving, my dad stopped me and asked where I was going', 'response': "I told him I was going to get my phone fixed and he responded with, Well, you better go do that or else you'll have little phone babies, and nob... | shuttie/dadjokes |
How did the metal get the wrong idea? He was misled. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Real men don't need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I've gone from agony to ecstasy in this last week. Hopefully, by the end of this month... ...I'll be done reading this dictionary. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a little lamb? | reddit/r/jokes(score=349) |
Dad, Dad, You're on stage right now. Um, listen, I'm sorry I didn't get to call you back. I know you're probably sleeping. Uh, I said no for a bunch. Can you just say: it's okay, You're a nigga, ain't you? you've ever done with me as a father? Oh, it's a pity that didn't pull up then. Do you hear them right? Yes, hello... | tiktok_standup |
Surgeon: I'll be taking out your appendix today Me: [stomach rumbles] Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy] Appendix: I have a boyfriend | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Ordering pizza online Dad: So what'd it come to", 'response': 'Sister: the door'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Apparently we can't call it crowbars anymore. Its actually jackdawbars | Maximofn/short-jokes |
two kinds of people There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If by ticklish, you mean I'll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I'm a little ticklish. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Which is the smallest pub in the world? The Thalidomide Arms. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Which is worse? Ignorance or apathy? Ya know, on second thought, I don't know and I don't care. | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
Why are crippled people always picked on? because they can’t stand up for themselves. | reddit/r/jokes(score=51) |
{'question': "I don't think. I'll ever find a stable job. To be honest", 'response': "I'm not too comfortable around horses."} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What do you call a masseuse that hates women? | reddit/r/jokes(score=60) |
I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager. | reddit/r/jokes(score=99) |
There are 10 types of people in this world Those who understand the ternary numeral system, those who don’t, and those who were expecting this to be a binary joke | reddit/r/jokes(score=290) |
What do you call a Brit who gives handjobs | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "But I never went to college..." "Well then, I'm sorry. But you are unqualified to work here. | reddit/r/jokes(score=26) |
Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs at him? Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision You've gotta sleep on it. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words too | reddit/r/jokes(score=22591) |
Did you hear about the guy that only ate one chicken leg per day? He was malnourished due to his paltry (poultry) diet. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Scientists thought we would never have enough air to survive on the moon... ...then they opened a bag of Lays chips. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
"How's about I rearrange your face?" -Bully Picasso | Maximofn/short-jokes |
In World War 3, which country would retreat first? Iran. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why are penguins socially awkward? Because they can't break the ice. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Okay, niggas, know you. Okay, stand up, man, Y'all stand up. They never saw you. man, What kind of shoes you got on too. Let me see that. Come here, come here, come here, Let's see What the fuck are these. my nigga, That shit say CMCMCM. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is CM? That should stand for cereal milk. I d... | tiktok_standup |
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
ME: I need help losing weight. I've tried everything. NARRATOR: He hadn't tried anything at all. Nothing. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did you hear about the 2 men who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My wife calls my penis Nicolas Cage It's highly temperamental and tends to go off for no reason at all. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
-I made a statue of Batman. -What did you make it of? -Just-ice. | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
Heard a giant Indian guy sing with the most beautiful voice in the world. Turns out it was actually Dalip Singh | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call two Egyptians who've farted at the same time? Tutankhamun. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Legos in his bedroom Elaborate. He was 23.. He was 23. And he had a Lego village in his bedroom. He had a Lego village in his bedroom. Okay, so you don't fuck with architecture, Was it? it was, it was like a town that he had built, Alright, sex aside. was it kind of impressive? It was a little bit. That's what I'm talk... | tiktok_standup |
I almost had a threesome once. I only needed two more people. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If this whole twitter thing doesn't work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why aren't hippies good pitchers? Because they're always high and outside. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? None. According to Trump, they outsourced it to India & China. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I've reached the point in my life where I'm ready for a life partner. But I'd probably be just as content with a cheeseburger. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Two guys are walking down the street.. ...and they see a dog licking his balls. One guy turns to his friend and says, "Man, I wish I could do that." His friend replies, "He would bite you." | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
Would you go into the woods? -Tiger Wood | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A cow once saved my life. I guess you could call it Bovine Intervention. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why don't mitochondria have girlfriends? Because they're incells. | reddit/r/jokes(score=369) |
Can you believe there's billionaires? Isn't that crazy? I don't think we even understand how much a billion dollars is A hundred times a million. is a hundred million dollars? Ten times that is a billion. Why don't we all kill them? Why aren't we killing them and living better lives? Isn't that weird? We just let them ... | tiktok_standup |
Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why Did The One Handed Man Cross The Road? So he could get to the second hand store! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What happens when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac', 'response': 'Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Have they ever done a long distance relationship? Yeah, Yeah, Are you together with them still? Yes, Are they here? Yeah, You guys are here. Where do you both live? How far? From New York to Austin? New York to Austin? Oh, okay. Which one of you is races? Which one is that? Okay, Austin is so nice, It's fine. Which one... | tiktok_standup |
Why did the Mexican push his wife off teh cliff? tequila | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween? Because they don't like random people knocking on their doors | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999 Because back then the worst thing I had to worry about was just a computer glitch destroying civilization. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'd make a joke about the Hindenberg, but... I feel like it would *crash and burn*. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Dear women, you're all fucking crazy. Signed, every dude. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I always have to wear sleeveless shirts. Concealed carry isn't legal for *these guns!* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I just had to clean all the windows in my house. What a pane in the glass that was. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmy cannibals and the girls cross country team? The pygmy cannibals are cunning runts. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
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