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The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper **Diplomacy** Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence." Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken." Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?" Youngster... | reddit/r/jokes(score=22) |
What do you call Batman after he skips church? | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
When he was arrested, the mafioso was intent on not ratting anyone out. But he had ebola, so... ...he spilled his guts to the cops. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between an egg and a redditor? An egg gets laid | Maximofn/short-jokes |
There are more and more suicide bombers around nowadays isn't there... then again... also less and less. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I dad joked my student last week. Student (upon entering the room): Today is horrible. Me: No, today is Thursday', 'response': 'Followed by cackling laughter from me, a chuckle from another student, and confused/annoyed look from the angry student'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
How do turtles communicate? With shell phones. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'My son asked me if. I got a haircut. But. I said “no,', 'response': 'I got them all cut”'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
How old are you? 13. Jesus Christ. So what are the 13 year olds playing these days? What do you get up to with your little scrapes and your jackanapes and your, your riz? Would it be a bit less pressure if I walked over here? Would that help? Yeah, Would it be pretty poggers if I did that? What about this? Is that Stil... | tiktok_standup |
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help "What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine." | reddit/r/jokes(score=168) |
I used to date loose women but my cock kept slipping out. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I have a monster under my bed. I sleep on the top of a bunk bed. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'when does a duck wake up', 'response': 'at the quack of dawn'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring. Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you tell a real Ferrari from a fake one? You take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Did you hear the one about the deaf guy', 'response': 'Yeah, neither did he'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
The programmer's wife tells her husband: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman One is on the cover of playboy while the other is on the cover of national geographic | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the nun wear to the casino? Her gambling habit. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
About 50% of the time "good luck" means "fuck you." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula's dentist. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the loaf of bread scream during sex? | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea? Thanks, it's my special tea. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
So I was using a zester on a lemon recently, when I paused for a second and realised... ..that I was only just scratching the surface. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmothers pussy? Sucking out thirteen and realizing you only put in twelve | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What does a Mexican duck say? GUACK | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I just want to be rich enough that I don't have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I'm like on 756. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I feel like this is the advice, special right, Do you? Do you have a boyfriend? Alright, should you break up with your boyfriend? Yes, Okay. next question: Where do you live and where does he live? I live here. He lives in Georgia. Georgia, Yeah, it's over. Then he'd go there for work because I miss my mom. He got an a... | tiktok_standup |
What's the difference between a pineapple and the White House? A pineapples pricks are on the outside. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Remember ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool shit. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Hear about Harrison Fords plane crash? I guess he shouldn't have been..... (_) ( _)>- (_) Flying solo. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A guy walks in a library: - Do you have motivational books here? - Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf. - Do you have any books closer?" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If the Earth is flat... ...how come my life is perpetually going downhill? Check mate, flat earthers | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
What do you call that mean guy who keeps waking you up? A myoclonic jerk. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a circle of Fe2+ ions? A ferrous wheel. | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
Hip Hop Humor Whose mother likes rap music? Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Grandson is having sex with his grandma The father walks in and says, Son! Your fucking with my mother! The grandson replys: so! You fuck mine all the time and i dont tell you shit! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The fact that I have to debate evolution with people means it doesn't work quite as well as I'd like it to. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Ghana has eliminated the U.S. from last two World Cups... They're probably Ghana do it again. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I think I’m allergic to people who wear shorts', 'response': 'Every time I look at one I see-knees'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Boobs What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or people will think we're nuts! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You're in love? Cool, I'm in sweatpants. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Life is like a penis It keeps getting hard for no reason and you never quite know what to do with it. | reddit/r/jokes(score=38) |
What did the Mexican guy say when the two houses fell on him? Get off me homes. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Today is Neil Young's 70th birthday This literally just happened. Context: I'm 30yrs old. Got my own place. My dad and his business partner are staying with me for a meeting they have in the morning. Dad's friend is browsing the news on his laptop. He casually says Neil Young's birthday is today. He's 70 ... | shuttie/dadjokes |
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD A trip without the kids. | reddit/r/jokes(score=184) |
How come Jews run the world? Because they dominate the gas industry | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My boss always gets angry at me when we golf together, for some reason. All I do is compliment him on his subpar golfing skills | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race? He was always coming in a little behind. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you know your girlfriend is too young? You have to make airplane noises to get your dick in her mouth. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line, I don't understand. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Dad's fake swearing Stone of a peach. Was a favorite of my Dad's. There are probably others that I can't recall", 'response': 'Share yours in the comments'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump over the barbwire fence', 'response': 'It was an udder catastrophe'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
It's that time of year I'm just going to say it now so I can say I said it first I'll see you guys next year Now shut the fuck up with that joke | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm designing a new model of jackhammer It could be ground-breaking technology! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? | mined:Zach Galifianakis standup |
On my way to Chicago. Anybody need anything? Hot dog? Deep dish pizza? Bull's Jersey? A lock of Oprah's hair? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Me: Hey lady, you can't park there. Her: I'm just running into Starbucks. Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don't apply to you then. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Being married is a lot like being a DJ... Most nights you just tune out All noise and nod your head... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Bad. Puns. Are. How. Eye', 'response': 'Roll'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
When hoes say, new year new me... they really mean new guys, new dick. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Mother: What do you mean the school must be haunted ? Daughter: Well the principal kept going on about the school spirit. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What is it called when weather in Central America breaks the news? A topical climate. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do... Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
So a cannibal was eating his sister- No, wait. It was a hillbilly... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
She: so what do you do for a living? Me, trying to impress her: i work with animals. She: aaww thats cute i knew you had a good heart. Turns out being a butcher is helpful for picking up girls. | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
What's the best thing to have in a hairy situation? A razor. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I just saw a video of a paralyzed man walking for the first time', 'response': 'It was very moving'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there'd be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "I work at a bank, sometimes it's fun to mess with people. People often come up to me with their debit card and ask: is there any money on my card. To which I respond, no. , without pulling up their accounts. When they look at me with a confused face I give them their card back with a penny set on top of i... | shuttie/dadjokes |
A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself. He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, “hey I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It’s been a really long time. She replies, no you sicko!” So he says “it’s c... | reddit/r/jokes(score=273) |
Yo mamma conforms to Planck's law - the greater the frequency with which she screws, the more energetic she gets. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Noone in. Antarctica has covid-19', 'response': "Because they're ice-o-lated"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The blonde and the calculator Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If you're a guy and you shave your legs... you might aswell go all the way and shave your pussy. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'My wife just told me that a pizza restaurant in Florida exploded', 'response': 'I said, The owner probably had insurance and kneaded the dough'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
If two white supremacist get divorced... ...are they still cousins? | reddit/r/jokes(score=77) |
Why don't they allow gambling in Africa ? Too many cheetahs | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math? It's called "Al Gore Rythms" | reddit/r/jokes(score=19) |
My doctor told me, "DON'T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What dictator is a paradox? Stalin, because he's Russian. | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
I hate it when youtubers have really big tit... les and I click on the video purely to see what they named their video | reddit/r/jokes(score=479) |
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh | Maximofn/short-jokes |
There’s a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light It’s the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn. | reddit/r/jokes(score=26) |
Everyone is constantly trying to be interesting & that's why we're all so boring | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A woman walks up to me and says "give me 12 inches and make it hurt".... So i banged her 4 times and hit her w/ a brick | Maximofn/short-jokes |
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day", 'response': "Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What do tight jeans and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Where do you put a Jew who can't pay attention? Concentration Camp. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm positive my wife has been putting superglue on my biceps at night I asked her about it and she says no, but I'm sticking to my guns. | reddit/r/jokes(score=26) |
My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If masturbation really made you blind... ... how come I'm still able to typaanco goauma oa, | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Boss : You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year? “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.” | reddit/r/jokes(score=147) |
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