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Dataset card Data Studio Files
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But wait, there's more. With a few swift clicks of this handcomputer interface, commonly referred to as a mouse, I can download illicit pornographic material and even send it along to a friend via a cyber postal route known as email.
Porno? You're tellin' me that you can get porno on that thing?
Oh yeah. Take a look.
What are you doing?
Just praying to god that we don't kill ourselves going over this wall.
Wait! Before we enter, you need to know that my research has determined that Santa's compound is wired with the XP 2000 stereo type alarm system.
A stereo type alarm system?
Take a look.
How do we bypass it?
The alarm will trigger if the system detects any NonW.A.S.P. tendencies inside the building. For example, if you were to dribble a basketball, or eat watermelon, or use the word dawg...that is, spelled with an aw as opposed to the letter o...within the confines of this workshop, the alarm would sound.
Listen cat, I'll have you know that I hate the taste of watermelon and am a terrible basketball player.
Well that's good news for us. It means the system is outdated. This should be easy. C'mon.
What are you doing?
Offscreen gunfire. That Jewish Atomic Clock stuff ate up a lot of our budget.
Hammer, you alright?
Everything's kosher. Watch him for me.
Happy Hanukkah Tikva.
Happy Hanukkah Morty.
Okay, what's the information?
She said to remind you that you're having Shabat dinner by her tomorrow and also to remind you to bring the Manischewitz.
Anything else?
Yeah, I'm going to be out of the office from 1:30 to 3:00 on Sunday. I have a terrible yeast infection and I need to see my gynecologist.
But we're not open on Sundays.
I understand that. I just thought that you might want to know.
I'll be in my office.
Shabat Shalom mama. I brought some Manischewitz. The black label.
I can see. And you also brought a nice girl to come eat by us.
Mordechai. Do you love your mother?
Mom, stop with this already. Of course I love you. You're my mother.
Mom, I have a real job. I do good things for this community. I help people.
When I play bridge with all the girls, everyone has what to talk about with their sons. They show pictures. Their sons are lawyers and doctors and Rabbis. Why can't I show a picture?
So don't show a picture.
You know my friend Maureen? Her son, the investment banker? He paid for her entire retirement in Boca Raton. What a mench he is. Instead of schleping to save Hanukkah, god forbid you should go back to business school and get an MBA. Maybe then you could send me to Boca, too.
I don't want to argue with you. Let's just eat in peace.
No. No. We're gonna argue. And you know what mom? I'm going to save Hanukkah just to spite you. And when my face is all over the television. When your friends are opening their Hanukkah gifts next year, don't mention it to them, okay? I wouldn't want you to have to show my picture.
Do what you must.
Let's let your tuchus breathe.
Mom, why don't you put that cat out of its misery?
...and the opportunity to help my brothers and sisters in the Jewish community.
Well I'm just glad you're safe Bubba Shaina, and eating by your mother for Shabos.
...and their children will all be able to eat latkes and spin dreidels, and light the menorah with the knowl...
...So you saved Hanukkah Mr. Big Shot. I mean, let's be honest Mordechai, it isn't even one of the high holidays.
Well I have news for you mom. It is good enough...I'm good enough and I won't leave here until I hear you tell me...
Mazel Tov!
Hello Mazel Tov! A boojee boojee boojee boo...
...I'm not finished yet, mom.
Mom! We're eating!
What a good poop you made in your diaper Mazel Tov! That's right! Mommy loves you! Such a good boy you are!
Mr. Jefferson Carver?
Please, call me Mordechai.
From the way she carried herself I could tell she'd been around the block a few times...
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a pisher, and I've been circling the block for the past half hour looking for parking. What are you listening to?
Client notes. Sorry. What can I do for you?
My name is Esther. Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal from the Jewish Defense League desperately needs to speak with you.
How is old Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal? Is he still shtooping every girl he can get his hands on?
Actually, his days of marital infidelity have long since past. Now he just shtoops my mother exclusively.
Your mother? Oh. Whoops.
Mordechai, Santa Claus has been rubbed out by his son Damian. The man's a demon. There's no telling what this new anti semitic psycho Santa is capable of.
I'm sorry to hear about Santa. He was a good friend, but my days...
Oy vey, I'm stuffed.
I don't think I could eat another latke if you paid me.
Any sign of Santa?
He must be behind that curtain. Relax. We're undercover. We need to give off the appearance of calm. You see Esther, the trick to undercover work is to try and blend in. Act as a Gentile would.
What are we going to do? We're at least an hour from the front.
C'mon follow me.
That got annoying fairly quickly.
Yeah, no kidding.
So, now what?
Now we wait for Santa to make his next move.
Want to get a drink?
Sure. Why not.
What was that!?
I said, do you come here often!?
What!?
I said, yeah, about once a week!
Oh!
Sorry. I'm better with men.
Maybe we should try a different kind of dancing.
You mean like disco dancing or doing the funky chicke...Oh. I get it.
Mordechai?
Yes Esther.
I want you to talk dirty to me.
Oh. Okay.
I want for our children to go to private schools and take music lessons. Little Abraham will go to Stanford for college, Batya will go Ivy League, maybe Vassar.
Keep going.
Afterwards they'll make the decision as to whether or not they'd like to continue their religious studies in Israel. Because, hey, after all we'll have practiced the highly effective assertive democratic style of child rearing, sprinkled with a healthy dose of liberalism.
Also, on a daily basis, I want you to tell me what to do, where to do it, and how I should live my life.
Kiss me you Semitic stud!
Your mother was right. You do work too hard.
Oh, she said that, did she? What else did Mommy Dearest have to say?
When did you guys have this conversation? When I was in the bathroom? What else did she have to say?
Relax Morty, I think your mom is wonderful. She cares so much about you. Get this, while you were gone she said she'd help me get you to work with the JDL if I'd come eat by you once in awhile. Like I needed any incentive to be with you. She's so...
Oh my god. She's become my pimp. And she's whoring her bitchson out to the highest bidder.
No. It's not like that. You're being completely neurotic. I was just playing along...
We do!
I'm sorry Esther, I just don't think we can see each other romantically anymore.
What are you doing here?
Mordechai, I love you. I couldn't let you do this alone.
I love you too. I'm sorry about freaking out yesterday. I was wrong.
I forgive you.