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Dataset card Data Studio Files
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Yes! Who the hell is this?
Go back to sleep, baby.
What did you say, sir?
I didn't say anything. What's the meaning of disturbing me at this hour, Colonel?
General Schmuck, we monitored a trans mission about six minutes ago from Burpelson Air Force Base, HQ 843rd Wing. It was apparently directed to their Wing on air borne alert. It decoded as Wing attack, PlanR.
Colonel, you're not drunk, are you, man?
No, sir.
Then why bother me with this nonsense? Get in touch with the base commander.
Well, that's ridiculous. If the teleprinter and radio links are out of order, just pick up a phone and pay for a call.
I know it sounds crazy, sir, but we tried, and nobody answers any of the telephones.
Does the threat board show anything?
Well, that's the funny part of it, too, sir. It doesn't show a damned thing.
I'm sorry, sir. General Schmuck is asleep and he isn't taking calls until eightthirty.
What is your name, young lady?
Ceida Pietraszkiewicz.
What did you say?
Ceida Pietraszkiewicz...P...I...E... T...R...A...S...Z...K...I...E...W... I...C...Z.
Now look here, Miss Pietraszkiewicz, this is Air Command Headquarters calling.
I did that for your own good, fella. Now I'm not going to pull rank on you. When this is over, I'll be happy to step outside with you and settle this thing. Right now my orders are to locate General Ripper and put him on the phone with the President.
Well, you can't do that because he's dead.
Do you have any witnesses, Major?
What?
What happened, Major? Some kind of private beef between the two of you?
Look, I didn't shoot him!
We'll have to leave that up to the C.I.D. boys, won't we, Major?
Look, Colonel. I've got to talk to somebody at Air Command.
Don't worry, Major. Your rights will be fully protected.
Colonel, don't you know what's going on?
Sure I do. There was some kind of mutiny on the base, and you killed General Ripper.
Look, General Ripper went off his rocker and ordered the 843rd Bomb Wing to attack with Hbombs.
You must think I'm an awful sap, Major. Just sit down, fella, and keep your hands on the desk!
Didn't they tell you?
They told me, Major. And I didn't hear anything about any atomic attack.
Look, Colonel. You keep me covered, but let me just pick up this red telephone that connects to Air Command headquarters. Okay?...I won't play any tricks on you... Okay?
Okay, fella. But just move slow and don't do anything that might surprise me.
Sure...sure, Colonel. Now look, I'm picking up the phone...nice and slow. Right?...Hello? ...Hello? Hello?...Hello?...Gee, it must be edad. Probably the lines were hit during the fighting.
Now look, I'm picking up this ordinary telephone. See?...Hello?...Hello?... Nuts, the lines must still be disconnected. The General had us disconnect...
Look, Colonel. Maybe it's too late. Maybe they've sent Air Command in already. But we've got to try to con tact somebody.
On your feet, fella. I've got to get outside and see how my men are.
Okay, Colonel. But look, there's a pay phone just outside in the hall. Maybe that works, huh? Maybe it'll work? What do you think?
You've wasted enough of my time, fella.
Wait a minute. The President!! That's it! The President!!!
What about the President?
He wanted to talk to General Ripper, didn't he?
So what?
Well, I'm General Ripper's Executive officer. He'll want to talk to me.
Operator...How much would the call be stationtostation?...Thirtyfive cents cheaper?...I'd still be short twenty cents ...Just a second, operator... Colonel, shoot the lock off the Coke machine. There's bound to be enough change in there.
That's government property, Major.
Colonel, remember, a reprimand from the President can be pretty serious to a career officer...Just a second, operator, I know I have it somewhere.
Major?...Major? I'm Colonel "Bat" Guano, 701 Battalion.
Come in...come in... Peace On Earth... Peace On Earth...yes...
Why are you saying that phrase over and over again?
I think that just might be it! Although it could be RikiTikiTavi.
What are you talking about, Major?
The threeletter code group. Or maybe some combination of the three letters. P...O...E, or P...E...O, or E...O...P... let's see, there would be six possible combinations.
Get a grip on yourself, Major!
It might still be worth trying RikiTiki Tavi. R...T...T...There's only three combinations of T...T...R, or T...R...T...
Now, snap out of it, fella!
Who the hell do you think you are, sir???
Premier Belch will not be fooled by this fantastic lie.
Mister President, are you going to let this stooge talk to you like this?
Don't you dare touch me! What the devil do you think you're doing?
I caught you redhanded, Mister Ambassador.
Give that back to me.
What do you think of this, Mister President? I told you we shouldn't let him in here.
Do you mean to say you'd set it off in your own country?
Naturally. It would kill us just as surely even if we set it off in your country. But this way we know it's safe, and we don't have the problem of delivering it.
Mister President, I can't buy this malarkey; they wouldn't set the damn thing off. Why should they?
You're absolutely right. We wouldn't. No sane nation ever would. That's why it was designed to trigger itself automatically.
Then all you have to do is untrigger it.
Ah, but if we were able to untrigger it, that would be defeating its purpose. All our enemies would have to do, would be to warn us in advance that they were going to violate one of our unalterable triggering conditions. We would bluff, naturally, but in the end we would be insane not to untrigger it. Now we can say: There is no point trying to intimidate us, we don't control the Doomsday Machine.
Perhaps you gentlemen would like to check with the source?
You mean you'll tell us his name???
It's not a he, General. It was an article in the "Times" about a year and a half ago.
Please, Mister President, I am extremely shy and do not wish to endure this sort of personal humiliation. Here is the only other camera I have left.
See! See, I told you.
My seven body orifices????
That's right, fella.
One, two... three, four... five... Why you, dirty, stinking...
Please be calm, Ambassador De Sade.
You will not get away with this vicious attack on our peaceloving people.
Warmongering bully! Don't think you're going to intimidate me!
All right, Mister Ambassador! But you must treat General "Buck" Schmuck with the respect due him.
Can I have a glass of water?
Certainly how about some breakfast?
Possibly some coffee?
Moffo!
Thank you, Admiral.
Now, Mister Ambassador. In a very few moments we should have Premier Belch on the phone. I intend to tell him exactly what has happened. I merely want you to authenticate certain facts for him.
The food you wouldn't put anything in it, would you?
Don't be ridiculous.
I have your word, Mister President?
Yes, of course.
Where are you trying to reach him?
At his office in the Capitol.
If he's not there, try... 87 43 56.
Did you get that, Kulnick?
What's the meaning of this?
I am sorry. Subminiature photography is my hobby. It's amazing what excellent en largements you can make from the negative.
I'll hold this, if you don't mind. You can have it back when you leave.