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Gee, sir, that last remark doesn't exactly make all the sense in the world.
Major, you're talking like one of them!
Well, I'm not, sir. Honestly, sir.
Don't be offended, Major. Our President holds the same views.
Don't you think he knows something about this, General Ripper?
I'll tell you what I do think. If they say they're for disarmament, I say anyone who says they're for disarmament is either a traitor or a damned fool.
But, General, we're on our toes. We haven't agreed to anything for years. Inffact, a a lot of people say we never will.
But if they suddenly opened up and gave us the inspection we want, we'd agree, wouldn't we?
If they gave us what we think we need, yes, I guess we would.
And you'd like to see that?
General, what's good enough for the President and all the experts he's got working on the thing, is good enough for me.
Do you think we'd cheat?
No, sir. I'm sure we wouldn't.
Do you think they would cheat?
Look, sir. I'm no expert on the subject, but I've read some pretty sharp ideas the big boys have. Like, say, both countries agreeing to a million dollar reward and international protection for anyone who gives evidence of cheating to the inspectors. You can't hide those things without a lot of people knowing about it. ...
Major, I hate to say this, but I think you've been enemy indoctrinated, and you don't even know it.
Major, those are my boys out there dying.
Yes, sir. Why don't you stop the fighting, sir?
To peace on earth, Major.
Peace on earth.
General, now that you've done that, I beg you to recall the Wing.
Major, I happen to believe in a life after this one, so I believe I will have to answer for what I have done. I think I can.
Combat Operations Center, Major Mandrake speaking.
This is General Ripper speaking.
Yes, sir.
Do you recognize my voice?
Certainly, General. Why do you ask, sir?
Why do you think I ask?
I don't know, sir. We just spoke a few minutes ago.
Youddon't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice unless it was important, do you, Major?
No, sir.
Good. Has the Wing confirmed holding at Xpoints?
Yes, sir.
All right, Major. I'm putting the base on condition Red.
Condition Red!
That's right. I want this flashed to all section immediately.
Yes, sir. What's up, General Ripper?
You're a good officer, Major Mandrake. You have a right to know. It looks like we're in a shooting war!
A shooting war!
Yes, Major. This looks like it's going to be it.
But...what kind of a shooting war? Have they hit any of our cities yet?
Major, that's all I've been told. Just got it on the red phone. The base is to be sealed tight. And I mean tight.
Yes, sir.
Let me worry about that, Major. I've still got my red line to the Air Command.
That's right, sir.
We don't want to be vulnerable to saboteurs calling up and pretending to be different people from the President down, do we?
You're right, sir.
No calls from inside out. No calls from outside in are even answered. No calls.
I understand, sir. Nothing comes or goes without your personal sayso.
No calls at all. With or without my sayso. My voice can be imitated too, Major.
Yes, sir. I just thought of something, sir. How do I know I'm talking to you now?
Who do you think you're talking to?
To you, sir. But how do I know?
Are you trying to be insubordinate?
No, sir.
I hope not. Now, as soon as you do what I told you, have PlanR radioed to the Wing.
PlanR????
Are you hard of hearing, Major?
No, sir. PlanR to be radioed to the Wing.
As soon as you've done that, shut down the communications center. Lock it up and assign the personnel to base security details.
General Ripper, if I shut down the communi cations center, there'll be no radio or teleprinter contact with Air Command head quarters or anyone, for that matter.
Are you questioning my orders, Major?
No, sir. I'm just bringing the facts to your attention, sir.
You're a good officer, Major, and you're perfectly right to bring these facts to my attention.
Thank you, sir.
Now, as soon as you've done that, double up on all base security teams. Our enemies are plenty smart, and there might even be an attack on the base by saboteurs.
Yes, sir.
And lastly, all privately owned radios are to be immediately impounded. They can be used to issue instructions to saboteurs. Air Police will have lists of all owners.
Yes, sir. One thing, Mister President.
Yes?
Under a condition red alert, the base will probably be sealed off and defended by the base security troops.
I am aware of what a condition red alert implies.
Well, sir, they may not allow the Special Service troops to enter the base.
That's a very wise deduction, General.
Thank you, sir. But what shall I tell them to do if they are denied entrance?
Under the circumstances, General, what would you think they should do?
Well...I suppose penetrate the base by force.
You see, you knew the answer all the time, General.
But that would mean some of our own boys will get hurt, Mister President.
What do you suppose is going to happen if General Ripper's planes start bombing their targets?
That certainly would be a problem, sir.
I didn't speak to him, sir. But Colonel "Bat" Guano was in command of the Special Service battalion, so I would imagine he did.
I want him upped to Brigadier General, and recomended for the D.S.C.
Yes, sir.
Well, Mister President.
What kind of trouble?
Well, sir, about fortysix minutes ago one of my base commanders, General Jack D. Ripper, sent out attack orders to the thirtyfour B90's of the 843rd Bomb Wing, under his command.
General Schmuck?
Yes, sir. He issued attack orders to
May I be stupid enough to inquire WHY IN HELL THE BASE COMMANDER OF THE 843d BOMB WING DID A THING LIKE THAT ???
To be perfectly honest, Mister President, we really aren't sure.
You aren't sure!
Not exactly, sir. You see, Colonel Puntrich at Air Command HQ received a call from him about twenty minutes ago. He asked General Ripper if he had issued the Gocode and the attack order, and General Ripper said: "Sure, the orders came from me. They're on their way in, and I advise you to get the rest of Air Command in ...
Damn it! Damn it! I've been telling you all for years you've got too damned many psychoes in the service.
Be fair, Mister President. Didn't we initiate the Human Reliability tests for all personnel handling nuclear weapons?
Buck, when I told you to give them right up to the top, you said we couldn't insult a general officer by asking him to pass a test to see if he's a psycho.
Just a second, sir. He's got films of the War Room in that thing!
I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to take the film out.
Yes!
General Schmuck?