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I blame Tony PeePants!
Oh, no. She tells this story at every major holiday.
Why should this be any different? Besides, I have to initiate Nick into the family.
She blames Tony PeePants Pinterello for everything. The fall of the British Empire, the Cold War, the internet.
It was just after we moved here. My little girls got in a fight over Tony PeePants and they havent made up since.
Im an American and in America, people sue. So to prevent a lawsuit, I baked a tart. And I dont bake.
So Dad rang the bell and when Tony PeePants opened the door, I threw the tart at him and popped his stitches.
Whats going on with you two?
I was pretty hard on her last night. And now shes getting married.
Theres a reason I always tell that Tony PeePants story, you know.
Trust me. This is bigger than Tony PeePants.
Before Tony, you and your sister were best friends. I couldnt split you up. If your sister ate the spinach, you ate the spinach. If you threw up.
Mom, please.
Anyway, when that boy came over, it was the first time you ever did anything without her. And Amy wasnt just jealous...she was sad and lonely. She missed you.
She did?
So she flirted with Tony, and you got mad and sent him away. Who did that leave? You and Amy. Reunited.
Youd better get going. My parents will be round to cart you off to the country.
Whatever you do, dont mention Italy. Or politics. Or baby buggies. Or Edith Piaf.
Your probably best off pretending youre asleep.
Say something. Please.
I knew you were still seeing someone else when we finally got together. I never in a million years would have dreamt it was Jeffrey.
Does Kat know?
Jeffrey told her last night.
Last night?
Fred Astaire and whats her face!
Its not me. I swear. Its her. Shes magic.
Sorry to interrupt. Your dad sent me.
What for?
To make sure youre okay.
You know all that if these walls could talk stuff? Do you believe it? That a place has a memory?
Actually, I do.
It was such a long time ago.
Still
If Ed ever found out....
Or Kat....
And she wonders why I swim to the bottom of a Lemondrop every time I see her.
You know what I love about all this?
Theres finally a reason for the whole world to revolve around you?
Exactly! Todays my day. Tomorrow will be my day. And the day after that? My day.
Perfect. All ginny.
Except its Scotch.
But Im not taking your name, buster. Im a feminist! I need icey! Mr. husbandman, get me more icey!
Did Kat tell you she dumped you because of your funky breath?
Did Amy tell you she keeps her Homecoming tiara by the bed?
Christ, Amy.
Oh, shut up and be happy. Its always this or that. Youre never happy, you frownyfaced Grumplestilskin.
Drunk isnt the same thing as happy, Amy.
Why dont you get my half sister her seventh hole?
Bacardi 151.
I dont think I can go through with this.
Pub Golf?
The wedding. I am so, so bad! I dont think I should be allowed to get married.
Do you want to come in for a minute? We could talk about
When I freaked out at the pub? That was nothing, just nerves. Dont worry about it.
But I do. I will. Youre my sister.
God, Kat! Please. Dont be nice to me. I can take anything right now but you being nice to me.
What? Why? What do you mean?
I should get going.
Are you sure youre okay?
Im fine. I promise.
We were eating and puking together in harmony until one day, Tony walked me home from school. He was my first boyfriend. I was fourteen.
So Tony PeePants starts ignoring Kat. He wanted to play with me.
You practically bribed him with your erector set.
Hey.
Hey.
You know what? Im not having this conversation right now.
Sure, disappear. Weve been walking away our whole lives.
Wow. You look beautiful.
Yeah. Most important day of my life. Whatever. Listen, I chose you to be my Maid of Honor for a lot of reasons: I love you, youre my favorite, and only, halfsister, blah blah blah. But the main reason I picked you is because youve been so miserable for the past few years, I knew you wouldnt outshine me. But here it is, my big day. My big day. And something doesnt feel right. Maybe it was that pep talk you gave me last night, I dont know, but your misery just isnt working for me anymore.
Hello, Charlie. Long time no see.
What is it, Spats? What do you want here?
Just dropped in to pay my respects.
You don't owe me no nothing.
Oh, I wouldn't say that. You were nice enough to recommend my mortuary to some of your friends...
I don't know what you're talking about.
So now I got all those coffins on my hands and I hate to see them go to waste.
Honest, Spats. I had nothing to do with it.
Too bad, Charlie. You would have had three eights. Goodbye, Charlie!
No, Spats no, no, no NO!
Hi, Spats. We was laying eight to one you wouldn't show.
Why wouldn't I?
We thought you was all broken up about Toothpick Charlie.
Well, we all got to go sometime.
Yeah. You never know who's going to be next. Okay, Spats. Report to the Sergeant atArms.
What for?
Orders from Little Bonaparte.
All right, Charlie this the joint?
Yes, sir.
And who runs it?
I already told you.
Refresh my memory.
Spats Colombo.
That's very refreshing. Now what's the password?
I come to Grandma's funeral. Here's your admission card.
Thanks, Charlie.
If you want a ringside table, tell 'em you're one of the pall bearers.
Okay, Charlie.
Look, Chief I better blow now, because if Spats Colombo sees me, it's Goodbye Charlie.
Goodbye, Charlie.
Okay, Spats the services are over. Lets go.