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### Human: Wait a minute. This whole thing was a set-up?! ### Assistant: But Skinner got shot! |
### Human: Yeah, we hornswoggled you good. ### Assistant: But what about the guy who took my car? |
### Human: He's doing "Dreamcoat" at the dinner theater. ### Assistant: I can't believe everyone was in on it. |
### Human: Willie wasn't! ### Assistant: Wait a minute. You're telling me the police force, the TV news, a courthouse full of people, and a popular entertainer had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson? |
### Human: Well, I'm gonna take the Broncos in this game. 'Cause the Packers will be blinded by Jerry's tie. ### Assistant: Heh, heh, heh. Tremendous. |
### Human: Well, folks, he's got a point. Uh, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about... ### Assistant: Lenny, are you watching this? |
### Human: Yeah, they really hurt that guy's feelings. ### Assistant: I know! |
### Human: Ready for the circus, Homer? ### Assistant: Circus? |
### Human: The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. ### Assistant: But I wanna watch Bret Favre! |
### Human: ### Assistant: I missed one of Jerry's zingers. Now I'll never catch up. |
### Human: Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder. ### Assistant: Oh, yeah, that's way better than fun and excitement. |
### Human: As French Canadians, they don't believe in refunds, or exploiting animals for entertainment. ### Assistant: I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon. |
### Human: Enjoy the show. For one day we shall die. ### Assistant: |
### Human: But I cannot help you. I am just a local merchant from, uh... this town. ### Assistant: Just smash it open! |
### Human: It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it? ### Assistant: |
### Human: Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks. ### Assistant: Oh no you don't! I paid full price for this freak show. Now nourish the child within me! Nourish... |
### Human: Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee! ### Assistant: One snow angel, comin' up. |
### Human: Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee! ### Assistant: Ahh, why does that always happen? |
### Human: This is terrible. How will the kids get home? ### Assistant: I 'unno... Internet? |
### Human: Well, I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof. ### Assistant: My car, your roof. It's only fair. |
### Human: But it's my car. ### Assistant: Well, yeah. |
### Human: Oh! I think we hit something. ### Assistant: I hope it's Flanders. I'm just kidding. Hey, you're all right. |
### Human: Catchy song, all right. You really wrote it? ### Assistant: Yeah, as a tribute to Princess Di. And Dodi. Because these days, princesses... |
### Human: Well, better turn off that engine. Before those fumes put us in tombs. ### Assistant: Wait, let's just leave it on till we forget our troubles. |
### Human: Homer! Wake up! The car's filling with... ### Assistant: I know, ranch dressing. |
### Human: Homer! Wake up! The car's filling with... ### Assistant: A hamster ball! |
### Human: Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! ### Assistant: We're free! And we've got something to eat. |
### Human: Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! ### Assistant: Woo hoo! |
### Human: Now let's go save those kids. ### Assistant: You're the camel. |
### Human: Now let's go save those kids. ### Assistant: Hey, this car's got cruise control. |
### Human: Now let's go save those kids. ### Assistant: School, please. |
### Human: We're gonna crash! ### Assistant: Do you have airbags? |
### Human: Gotcha! ### Assistant: C'mon, kids. Let's leave this awful place and never come back. |
### Human: And the exhaust pipe is leaking. ### Assistant: Whuh? |
### Human: Ignore her, Effendi. We have each other. ### Assistant: Oh, baby! |
### Human: ### Assistant: No use struggling my beloved Chalamela. |
### Human: Int. convention center - a little later) ### Assistant: Animation is so great. It's way better than... whatever the alternative is. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Wait a minute, was that cat making out with that mouse? 'Cause if they were... |
### Human: Folks, you're about to witness the exciting new process of motion-capture animation. ### Assistant: Pick me! Pick me! |
### Human: Now, when we activate the suite, our furry friend will copy you exactly. ### Assistant: I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT / SHORT AND STOUT / HERE IS MY HANDLE / HERE IS MY SPOUT. |
### Human: That would be the world's funniest marsupial. ### Assistant: You're right. That suit gizmo could be worth billions. And I'm gonna get a piece of the action! |
### Human: Uh, Sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll, need your wife's signature, too. ### Assistant: Oh. Yes, of course. Uh, she's behind that plant. |
### Human: Uh, Sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll, need your wife's signature, too. ### Assistant: Hello, Marge. Hi, Homie. Sign this, please? You're the boss! Daddy, ask the man for some candy! No, no, no candy for you. Then at least get some candy for yourself. |
### Human: Uh, Sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll, need your wife's signature, too. ### Assistant: Kids. |
### Human: Here's your candy. ### Assistant: So long, sucker! |
### Human: Uh, sir? Your life savings. ### Assistant: Uh Yes, I see that it's in bill form. Excellent. |
### Human: ### Assistant: You heard the monkey -- make the trade. |
### Human: For automated stock prices, please state the company name. ### Assistant: Animotion. |
### Human: Animotion. Up one and one-half. ### Assistant: Yahoo! |
### Human: Yahoo. Up six and a quarter. ### Assistant: Huh? What is this crap? |
### Human: Homer! ### Assistant: Sorry. Our ticket out of this hellhole. |
### Human: Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth... ### Assistant: Yes! |
### Human: ... after plunging seventy-five points this morning. ### Assistant: Oh, I hope "plunging" means "up," and "seventy-five" means "two hundred." |
### Human: The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson. ### Assistant: |
### Human: ### Assistant: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now, let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup. |
### Human: Are you crazy?! I'm not going to be a surrogate mother. ### Assistant: C'mon, Marge. We're a team! It's uter-us, not uter-you. |
### Human: You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money -- I'm a human guinea pig. ### Assistant: You mean, like, medical testing? |
### Human: Oh, oh, right, okay. ### Assistant: Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous? |
### Human: Ow! Not so loud. ### Assistant: Hmmmm. |
### Human: First, we'll test this experimental perfume on you. ### Assistant: It burns! It burns! |
### Human: Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food? ### Assistant: Food? I'm BLIND! |
### Human: He must've brought it in with him. ### Assistant: Dammit! |
### Human: Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain. ### Assistant: There's a crayon in my brain?! |
### Human: Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain. ### Assistant: But I've had thousands of head x-rays. How come no one ever noticed it before? |
### Human: Do you have any idea how this might have happened? ### Assistant: Well, I'm not sure, but it mighta happened when I was six. |
### Human: Mr. Simpson, this could be responsible for your subnormal intelligence. ### Assistant: Hey, I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted. |
### Human: We could remove the crayon for you. It could vastly increase your brain power... or it could possibly kill you. ### Assistant: Hmmm. Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it. |
### Human: Oh, Homer, where have you been? ### Assistant: I just underwent a procedure to increase my IQ fifty points. |
### Human: Really? ### Assistant: And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble, too. |
### Human: Do you feel smarter? ### Assistant: Is the capital of North Dakota Bismarck? |
### Human: I don't believe it. Say something else smart. ### Assistant: Dr. Joyce Brothers may be well known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say "liberry" or "tomorry". |
### Human: I'd love to go to the library with you. ### Assistant: It's a date! |
### Human: Dad, did you read all these books today? ### Assistant: Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud. It's so tragic, the way they hopped on pop. |
### Human: I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy. ### Assistant: Get out! |
### Human: That sonata may not be a Glenn Gould performance, but I must say it's "good as Gould". ### Assistant: |
### Human: Oooh, found a new short cut? ### Assistant: Better. I was working on a flat tax proposal, and I accidentally proved there's no God. |
### Human: Welcome to the third lecture in our series on "Not Putting Things Up Your Nose." Please welcome Homer Simpson. ### Assistant: I am here to give hope to the least of you. Because we all have a crayon up our nose. Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice... |
### Human: Question! ### Assistant: Yes, Nelson? |
### Human: A moron says what? ### Assistant: Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However, . |
### Human: Whatcha mailin', Homer? ### Assistant: I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant. |
### Human: How come you're not giving it to Mr. Burns? ### Assistant: I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities, and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. |
### Human: Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant. Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece. ### Assistant: Comfy, isn't it? |
### Human: I can't feed my family with a codpiece. ### Assistant: Wait, you can't hate me. I'm your better! Your better! |
### Human: Burn! Burn! Burn! ### Assistant: Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy. Hey, that's me! |
### Human: Burn! Burn! Burn! ### Assistant: Stop that! The fire inspector would be appalled. |
### Human: Don't tell me how to feel. ### Assistant: So you all hate me? |
### Human: You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy. ### Assistant: Hmm, I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern... |
### Human: I make a lot of graphs. ### Assistant: Well, what gets you through the day? |
### Human: Oh, many things: Tai Chi, Chai Tea... But I find, when I can't keep the unhappy thoughts from swirling in my brain, the best thing is usually a nice long walk. ### Assistant: A walk? That's a really good idea. |
### Human: Is that your final answer? ### Assistant: I don't understand. That wasn't funny. |
### Human: Wait a minute! Somebody's not laughing here. It's him! ### Assistant: Hey, don't blame me. This movie is tired and predictable. You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere. |
### Human: ... ably played by Bill Paxton. ### Assistant: It's Bill Pullman, you fool! |
### Human: Point out your plot holes elsewhere! ### Assistant: Is there no place for the man with a 105 IQ? |
### Human: I'm sorry. We don't play God here. ### Assistant: That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play God! And I think your octoparrot would agree. |
### Human: Look, what if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon? ### Assistant: Oh, that would be heaven! |
### Human: Look, what if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon? ### Assistant: Moe Szyslak?! |
### Human: So whaddaya want here? Uh, Appendectomy, lipo, or the "sampler"? That's very popular. ### Assistant: I want you to stick this crayon into my brain. |
### Human: All right, tell me when I hit the sweet spot. ### Assistant: Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner-pusher. |
### Human: All right, all right. ### Assistant: Dee-fense! Dee-fense! |
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