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### Human: That's pretty dumb... But uh... ### Assistant: Extended warranty? How can I lose? |
### Human: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere. ### Assistant: Who wants lottery tickets? |
### Human: Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way. ### Assistant: We were what what in a what what? |
### Human: ### Assistant: Yeah, which reminds me, I need a sandwich. |
### Human: Hey, what's this? ### Assistant: The wrestler? |
### Human: Hey, what's this? ### Assistant: I'unno. Must be sumpin' I wrote before Moe fixed me. |
### Human: Oh, Dad. ### Assistant: Huh? Oh, you want a hug. Well that, I know how to do. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Mmm... hug. |
### Human: Oh no! ### Assistant: Whuzzit... My juice box! |
### Human: Sorry, Homie, but you promised to take me to the Apron Expo today. ### Assistant: Just give me ten more hours. |
### Human: C'mon. You and the kids always wanna do fun stuff, but today we're doing something I like. ### Assistant: |
### Human: They're unveiling a combination apron/smock. It's called a "Smapron." ### Assistant: Did you say "Smockron"? |
### Human: No, "Smapron." ### Assistant: Oh. |
### Human: And this lead apron will keep me safe downstairs. ### Assistant: Heh, heh. "Grill Power." |
### Human: I'm a little disappointed. There were too many aprons. ### Assistant: It was great, all right. But all I wanna do right now is hit the adjustable sack with a good juice box. Because when all is said and done... Prison rodeo!? |
### Human: Somebody help him! ### Assistant: Relax, they've got rodeo clowns. |
### Human: Hey! Hey, over here! Here, bully, bully, bully, bully, bully! ### Assistant: That's not gonna do it, Marge. You need something red. |
### Human: Hey! Hey, over here! Here, bully, bully, bully, bully, bully! ### Assistant: Hey, Toro! Here's something to gore! |
### Human: Da-ad! ### Assistant: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy. |
### Human: Da-ad! ### Assistant: Now, for a little calming blue. |
### Human: Da-ad! ### Assistant: Hey, where's your blue shirt? |
### Human: How's your back, Homie? ### Assistant: I can't complain. |
### Human: Naw, that's for the prisoners. You can complain all you want. ### Assistant: Oh God, my back! It hurts so much, and my job is so unfulfilling! |
### Human: Try to focus on something else. Umm... You like Jimi Hendrix, right? ### Assistant: Uh-huh. |
### Human: Wow. The artist really captured Jimi's passion and intensity. ### Assistant: And his fondness for the guitar. |
### Human: Look, he painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm askin' you, what's it breathin'? ### Assistant: Air? |
### Human: Ain't no air in space. ### Assistant: There's an Air in Space Museum. |
### Human: How's your back, Dad? ### Assistant: Well, there's a dull ache, certainly. And overlaid on that is a club sandwich of pain. Only instead of bacon, there's agony. Marge, can I have a BLT? |
### Human: How's your back, Dad? ### Assistant: What are you looking at? |
### Human: Oh, nothing... How would you feel if I did some volunteer work at the prison? ### Assistant: First I'd feel like having a BLT, then proud of you. |
### Human: Oh, Homie. I knew you'd support me. ### Assistant: My back! |
### Human: Your spine is more twisted than Sinbad's take on marriage. ### Assistant: So? Just gimme some drugs and surgery. |
### Human: Oh, I'd love to. But, ah, to be honest, modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back. We spend too much time on the front. ### Assistant: Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front. |
### Human: I'm gonna send you to my chiropractor. ### Assistant: Hey, I thought real doctors hated chiropractors. |
### Human: Hello, Homer. I'm Doctor Steve. Please lie down. ### Assistant: Less yakkin', more crackin'. |
### Human: There we go. ### Assistant: Hey, it feels a little better. |
### Human: Honestly, it wouldn't bother me. ### Assistant: One, two, better-not-sue... |
### Human: I'm just yankin' your chain. I'm Jewish. ### Assistant: Ow! Owww, my back. Dr. Steve didn't do anything. |
### Human: Did you do those exercises he gave you? ### Assistant: Yeah, right. I did 'em while you were studying. |
### Human: Did you do those exercises he gave you? ### Assistant: |
### Human: Are you okay? ### Assistant: Yeah... In fact... |
### Human: Are you okay? ### Assistant: I feel fantastic! |
### Human: That trash can must have unkinked your back. ### Assistant: Not "trash can," son. Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder! Patent pending. |
### Human: Okay, okay. ### Assistant: And as you can see, the unique dents in my invention perfectly match the contours of the human vertebrains. |
### Human: Okay, okay. ### Assistant: Patent pending... Patent pending... Patent pending... Hey, who's this guy? |
### Human: You remember Jack... He's that talented painter who had a little brush with the law. ### Assistant: You brought a convict to live here, near my unpatented idea? |
### Human: So, Homer, you think you can fix my sciatica? ### Assistant: Hmm. I don't know what that is, so I'm gonna say yes. Now, go limp. |
### Human: Hey, it worked! My searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness. ### Assistant: Next! |
### Human: Simpson, you're not a licensed chiropractor. And you're stealing patients from me and Dr. Steffi! ### Assistant: Boy, talk about irony. The AMA tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me. Think about the irony... |
### Human: You've been warned. Stop chiropracting. ### Assistant: Not unless you think about the irony. |
### Human: Careful, I'm frail. ### Assistant: Okay, that should do it, Moe. |
### Human: Is this El Clínico Magnífico? ### Assistant: Ah, you saw our bus ad. |
### Human: We'd, uh, like to invest in your spinal adjustment device. ### Assistant: We might be able to do business. |
### Human: We'd, uh, like to invest in your spinal adjustment device. ### Assistant: |
### Human: We'll need to take some photographs. ### Assistant: Hey, where're you going with that? |
### Human: C'mon, c'mon, let's go! ### Assistant: Nooo! My Spine-O-Cylinder! |
### Human: C'mon, c'mon, let's go! ### Assistant: They'll pay for what they did to my can. |
### Human: Hey Dad, bet you five bucks you can't eat the whole box. ### Assistant: Five? Why don't we make it fifty? |
### Human: Hey Dad, bet you five bucks you can't eat the whole box. ### Assistant: You're gonna regret this. |
### Human: I'll call poison control. Fran, it's me. Just a heads-up. ### Assistant: Wow, the absorbed odors of a million meals... |
### Human: And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials. ### Assistant: I can still see your movies, right? |
### Human: And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials. ### Assistant: ...And I never saw Gallagher again. |
### Human: Ooh, it says here that special effects whiz Tom Savini is gonna be appearing at the comic book store tonight! ### Assistant: Tom Savini? |
### Human: I can't believe I'm gonna miss that! ### Assistant: Don't worry your spiky little head. I've got it all planned out. |
### Human: How could you have it planned out? You just heard about the problem. ### Assistant: You're right. Gimme a minute. Hmmm. |
### Human: Thanks for the tip-off. ### Assistant: No problem. |
### Human: Good evening. Sorry... I-I had a really big dinner... ### Assistant: Woo! Dinner! |
### Human: Sure, computer technology is here to stay. But there'll always be a place for the practical special effects wizard. ### Assistant: I love the theater. |
### Human: Hey Homer, who's the manatee? ### Assistant: Aw, now, be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital. |
### Human: Uh, piece o' crap. ### Assistant: C'mon, you're here to make friends. |
### Human: So many restaurants... ### Assistant: I can't decide. I throw myself on the mercy of the food court. |
### Human: Umm... I guess I'll, I'll have the chicken Tandoori. ### Assistant: And I'll have the beef Wellington. |
### Human: Cool! ### Assistant: |
### Human: With pleasure. ### Assistant: |
### Human: You know what else scares me? Everything! ### Assistant: Get that one! Faster! You got half time for the other ones. Oh, good. Oh no, that one's slowing up! Oh, good. Oh, that one's wobbling! Oh, up... you got that before I even said it. |
### Human: Oh. ### Assistant: Hey, let's get this down to the funeral home before they try to back out. |
### Human: Hmm. Well, this autopsy coupon appears to be valid. What other funerary services may we provide for the pre-deceased? ### Assistant: Oh, the whole deal. Coffin. Tombstone. Anti-stink spray. |
### Human: Sir, we prefer the term "casket" to "coffin." And "monument" to "tombstone." We have all the leading brands of anti-stink spray. ### Assistant: What funny names. |
### Human: Heh, heh, heh. Look at 'im go. ### Assistant: That thing got picture-in-picture? |
### Human: Of course! This is the "Contempo." ### Assistant: Ah, geez. How come they never call traveling anymore? |
### Human: Ooh, bury me over here. Pleeeease? ### Assistant: Whoa, whoa, this is gettin' kind of pricey. |
### Human: Hear that? If you cheapskate me into Hell, I'll haunt you good. Imagine this when you're sittin' on the john: ### Assistant: Okay! |
### Human: O-kay, with mole insurance, your total comes to... seventeen thousand dollars. ### Assistant: What?! |
### Human: Or, you could just toss him in the woods and let the wolves carry him off. It's really up to you. ### Assistant: Mr. Salesman? |
### Human: Yesss? ### Assistant: We're gonna go with the wolves. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Dad, I love you this much. |
### Human: ### Assistant: But that's just under nine hundred dollars. I wish I could go seventeen thousand, but... |
### Human: The Mauso-palooza can be seen from space. It will consume as much cement as a regulation-size tennis court. ### Assistant: Tennis court, eh?... |
### Human: Oh, I can't believe we went through all that, just to wind up with a tennis court. ### Assistant: I'll bet you didn't see that comin'. |
### Human: You don't care what happens to me when I die. ### Assistant: Of course I do, Dad. |
### Human: You don't care what happens to me when I die. ### Assistant: And if it were up to me, you wouldn't die at all... |
### Human: You don't care what happens to me when I die. ### Assistant: But try tellin' that to Killy McGee up there. |
### Human: You don't care what happens to me when I die. ### Assistant: What on Earth are you doing? |
### Human: Practicing tennis. ### Assistant: That's tennis?! Then what's the one where the chicks whale on each other? |
### Human: Foxy boxing? ### Assistant: Yes! That's what I wanted! |
### Human: Foxy boxing? ### Assistant: And finally, make sure the net is tight and springy. |
### Human: Foxy boxing? ### Assistant: That seems about right. |
### Human: You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy. I hear Mel Brooks has one. I mean, Sir Mel Brooks. ### Assistant: And it's bad news for the gophers. |
### Human: And it's gonna do wonders for our social life. ### Assistant: Yeah, it'd be nice to entertain friends and have people over. |
### Human: Hey, you got a tennis court. ### Assistant: Keep walkin', Flanders. |
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