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### Human: That's what we do. We're Ribheads. ### Assistant: Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live? |
### Human: Welcome to the games of the 34th Spellympiad. I'm George Plimpton, founder of the Paris Review. I also played the evil dean in "Boner Academy." ### Assistant: You monster! Why did you expel Boogerman? |
### Human: He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus. ### Assistant: That was awesome! |
### Human: Well, I'm just happy you guys all came up here to Calgary with me. ### Assistant: I'm sorry, honey. I can't be here tomorrow. It's the last day the Ribwich is in San Francisco. |
### Human: Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich? ### Assistant: You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich. It's about brotherhood. It's about freedom. It's about three days since I've had one! I'm getting the shakes... and I'm getting the fries! |
### Human: Lisa, may I see you privately for a moment? ### Assistant: This can only be good. |
### Human: Hey man, can you turn me on? ### Assistant: Hey! Don't Borgnine my sandwich. |
### Human: Will you get out of my... Look, about the Ribwich. There aren't gonna be anymore -- the animal we made 'em from is now extinct. ### Assistant: The pig? |
### Human: You're way off. Think smaller, think more legs. ### Assistant: |
### Human: People, we went through something magical together -- and it's not important who got rich off of whom, or who was exposed to tainted what. And because you believed in my dream, I want you to fight over the last Ribwich ever made. Here. ### Assistant: Welcome to the real world, hippies! |
### Human: I give-a you the lease-a to my car. ### Assistant: Lisa? Is this what I've come to? Fighting over a stupid sandwich on my daughter's big day? Mister, I'll take that car. |
### Human: Intransigence. "I..." ### Assistant: Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey! |
### Human: Dad, you do care! ### Assistant: Damn right honey. You're number one on my menu. Now super-size it! |
### Human: Lisa, honey you spelled the word wrong, but you did the right thing. ### Assistant: Yeah, you're the number one speller in this car or in that car or in that car or, don't look at that car. |
### Human: Hold your horses. I was up all night fishing out the drawstring from your father's swimsuit. ### Assistant: It came out again. |
### Human: Oh, what a magical evening. The moonlight, the music, the water... ### Assistant: Enough talk. Dip me, my love. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Lower. Lower! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Lower! |
### Human: Poor Ned. This is his first Jellyfish Festival alone. ### Assistant: I know, and it doesn't get any easier from here. There's the Tongue-Kissing Festival... Cinco de Ocho... The Hobo Oscars... days just made for lovers. Not widowers, lovers. |
### Human: Psst! Homer! ### Assistant: Flanders?! Can't a man just drink alone on a Wednesday morning? |
### Human: I need your advice. It's about a lady. ### Assistant: Ooh! Lemme guess. Skinner's mother. She sure knows how to swing it. |
### Human: No, it's Sara Sloane. I have a date with her tonight. ### Assistant: Sara Sloane? The movie star? |
### Human: Yep. Why would that Twinkie want to go out with a ding dong like me? ### Assistant: Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time. In Europe they call it a Dinkie. |
### Human: Well sir, that's very encouraging but I can't date a movie star. I'm no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett. ### Assistant: Now wait just a minute -- I used to worry Marge was too good for me. She was always thinking of ways to improve me. But then part of her died and she doesn't try any more. So we're all where we want to be. |
### Human: Now she's dating Mr. Flanders. That's so romantic! ### Assistant: Who the hell is Mr. Flanders? Oh, Flanders. |
### Human: Now she's dating Mr. Flanders. That's so romantic! ### Assistant: Hello? Yes, I'm Ned Flanders' close personal friend... that's right, hot and heavy... they've never been happier. Oh yes, I she does look pregnant. Now, who might you be? A tabloid? Is that one of those really strong mints? Hello? Hello? |
### Human: Mm-hmm. I haven't felt this good since we stole the 2000 election. ### Assistant: Hey, don't blame me, I voted for the green M&M. |
### Human: Why, those guys are such leeches. ### Assistant: Moe, what are you doing here? |
### Human: Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Homer, Sara wants us to have S-E-X. ### Assistant: Stupid Flanders. I'm not giving you any of my secret moves. |
### Human: Well, I'm not sure I want to do it. I mean "who'll buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" You know, the cow being me. ### Assistant: Look, Flanders. I'm always interested in talking about free milk. And if there's cookies involved, so much the better. |
### Human: I bet we woulda lasted twice that long. ### Assistant: Poor Ned, gardening away his misery. |
### Human: I'm very happy for you, Ned. ### Assistant: Me too. |
### Human: I'm very happy for you, Ned. ### Assistant: Uh-oh. Here comes Helen Fielding. |
### Human: I need a quarter for the bus. ### Assistant: Droll. |
### Human: I need a quarter for the bus. ### Assistant: Mmm... promo. |
### Human: I need a quarter for the bus. ### Assistant: Ew, Fox! |
### Human: I got Lisa's plankton kebabs! ### Assistant: Marge germs! |
### Human: How much longer is this going to go on? ### Assistant: I'm gonna go calm my nerves with a nice relaxing shave. |
### Human: How much longer is this going to go on? ### Assistant: Tissues please! |
### Human: How much longer is this going to go on? ### Assistant: Get... out of my... airspace! |
### Human: Dad, why don't you go to the airport authority and complain? ### Assistant: I'm on my way. You man the rake. |
### Human: Dad, why don't you go to the airport authority and complain? ### Assistant: |
### Human: We've already been to room 915. We've already filled out form 1790. ### Assistant: It was an application to open a Cinnabon stand. |
### Human: I never thought I would say this, but I think we have to move. ### Assistant: Never! |
### Human: I never thought I would say this, but I think we have to move. ### Assistant: Stay plugged in! I will find you! |
### Human: I never thought I would say this, but I think we have to move. ### Assistant: Now Cookie, do you think you can sell this house? |
### Human: Occasionally, you might hear a faint roar... ### Assistant: See, it all works out? |
### Human: It's a good offer. I advise you to take it. ### Assistant: Make that a chocolate milk and you've got a deal. |
### Human: Why don't we go to our Congressman? ### Assistant: That's a great idea. Why didn't you say something before? |
### Human: I've been saying it for three weeks! But every time I open my mouth... ### Assistant: What? |
### Human: Quick! Someone perform CPR. ### Assistant: I SEE A BAD MOON RISING... |
### Human: That's CCR! ### Assistant: LOOKS LIKE WE'RE IN FOR NASTY WEATHER... |
### Human: Congressman Wilcox was laid to rest today. A special election will be held next month to fill his vacant seat. ### Assistant: I guess there's only one way out of our problems: a murder/suicide pact. |
### Human: How can you say that? ### Assistant: It's just an expression, Marge. |
### Human: Why don't you pound that sign into your own lawn? ### Assistant: Eh, I'm still undecided. |
### Human: Because I was thinking about the American family! One family in particular, who was stepped on by the government and had nowhere else to turn. ### Assistant: Bo-ring! |
### Human: I'm talking about the Simpsons. ### Assistant: Let him speak! |
### Human: You said you were gonna get rid of the airplanes over our house. And now they're worse than ever. ### Assistant: Krusty, you've let everyone down. And even worse, you've let down this sacred document. |
### Human: Dad, this is a kid's menu where you help Yogi Bear get to the Washington Monument. ### Assistant: Stained with the blood of American patriots. |
### Human: That's jelly. ### Assistant: From the unknown toaster. |
### Human: We've gotta do something to help him. ### Assistant: Yeah. And to make things even more suspenseful... our plane leaves in a half hour! |
### Human: Excuse me, I think I can help. I've been working in this town for a long time, and well, I know how to get things done. ### Assistant: Beat it, Waxie. |
### Human: Now Homer, that Southern Congressman is your biggest obstacle. Your job is to drink him under the table so he misses the vote. You think you can do it? ### Assistant: Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon! |
### Human: How 'bout a drinkin' contest, boy? Right after I vote on the latest bill. ### Assistant: How 'bout before? |
### Human: Now we just need a distraction. ### Assistant: You call this a bicameral legislature? |
### Human: Now we just need a distraction. ### Assistant: I say, I say... my groin! |
### Human: At last those planes are flying where they belong. ### Assistant: That's right. Over the homes of poor people. |
### Human: What about you and Mom? ### Assistant: Oh, we'll be upstairs, in the bedroom making love... ly rope ladders in case there's a fire. |
### Human: Oh, okay. ### Assistant: Children, so naïve. |
### Human: Who's naïve? ### Assistant: I didn't say anything. So naïve. |
### Human: This is so romantic. ### Assistant: Oh my darling, nothing is too romantic for you. Have some more liquor. |
### Human: This is so romantic. ### Assistant: That's it, drink up my pretty. |
### Human: Homie, I'm sorry... you know I usually bring my A-game to the bedroom... but tonight I just can't throw the heat. ### Assistant: But it's St. Valentine's Day! God wants us to do it. |
### Human: You're so cute when you're begging for sex, but I'm just too tired. ### Assistant: Well, my special mix tape will get you going. |
### Human: You're so cute when you're begging for sex, but I'm just too tired. ### Assistant: Oh, no! That's Maggie's mix tape! Then Maggie must have gotten... |
### Human: Game over. ### Assistant: Everyone but me. |
### Human: Welcome to "How to Strip for Your Wife". ### Assistant: Dr. Hibbert? You're the teacher? |
### Human: Homer, are you already oiled? ### Assistant: Three coats. |
### Human: Homer, take this quarter, call your mother and tell her you're never going to be a stripper. ### Assistant: Aren't you gonna chuckle? |
### Human: You there, the greasy, naked bald man! ### Assistant: You know everything about me! |
### Human: What would you say if I offered you the secret of true success? ### Assistant: Wipe me down and sign me up! |
### Human: The trick is to blot the oil. Wiping just pushes it around. ### Assistant: You're preaching to the choir, man. |
### Human: You see this watch? It's jammed with so many jewels, the hands can't move. What kind of watch do you have? ### Assistant: Uh, well, I drew it on... See... |
### Human: Friends, there's a force that runs through the universe. We used to call that force "God." We now call it "Megatronics: The Forty-eight Tips To Corporate Success." ### Assistant: Oooh, published by Kinko's! |
### Human: Do you want to be the ultimate you? ### Assistant: Yes! |
### Human: Do you want to yodel at the top of the corporate mountain? ### Assistant: Yes! |
### Human: Will you write me a check made out to "cash?" ### Assistant: God yes! |
### Human: Sounds good to me. ### Assistant: Go on ahead. I'll just slow you down. |
### Human: What's that ruckus? ### Assistant: It's the sound of a go-getter at work, Marge. Look, I installed a key hook so you'll always know where your keys are. |
### Human: Uh-oh, that's toxic waste! ### Assistant: And now to see Mr. Burns for the promotion and raise I've deserved since this morning. |
### Human: Oh, have you now? Well huzzah, huzzah. I'll just throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight. ### Assistant: But the book said you would applaud my initiative. |
### Human: Would you mind? ### Assistant: Yes, sir. |
### Human: Would you mind? ### Assistant: Ahhh, look at the little eels. Electric eels! |
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