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### Human: We've become pariahs! In the last two hours I've gotten one thousand hate spams. ### Assistant: Y'ello. Appear on your TV show?! Tell our side of the story?! You'll see us there?! Goodbye?! Dial tone?! |
### Human: We get it, Mom. ### Assistant: No, no, no, let her finish. |
### Human: Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? ### Assistant: Son, I've learned one thing in this life: to stay out of trouble, just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat. |
### Human: Look, what should I say to make people not hate me? ### Assistant: Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms, they're filthy. |
### Human: Dad, I am going on a talk show. I have to say something! ### Assistant: Talk about boats! Then when he asks you if you hate this country, you just start crying and pretend you don't. |
### Human: But I don't hate this country. ### Assistant: There there, save your lies for the American public. |
### Human: Martha! Play something to lighten the mood! ### Assistant: BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKERJACK... / I DON'T CARE IF... OW! |
### Human: Well, let's see, after they blindfolded us, it was left, right, left... then a three hour plane ride. ### Assistant: Do you get time off for snitching on your cellmates? |
### Human: Well, we're not the only ones to be unjustly imprisoned. Check out all the left-wing celebrities. ### Assistant: Bill Clinton? What are you doin' here? |
### Human: Homer, we've got to get outta here. ### Assistant: Yeah, yeah. Next commercial. |
### Human: I know a way out. ### Assistant: Who are you? |
### Human: I'm the last registered democrat. Tax and spend! Tax and spend! Now, if you want to escape, you can do it during the prison talent show tomorrow night. ### Assistant: I don't want to be in any stupid talent show. Not without my Tennessee walking horses. |
### Human: O BEAUTIFUL / FOR SPACIOUS SKIES / FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN... ### Assistant: FIFTY STARS AND THIRTEEN STRIPES... |
### Human: MY CARD HERE SAYS "ACLU" / NOW LOOK WHAT I'M GOING TO DO... ### Assistant: TO LOVE OUR COUNTRY IS NO CHORE... |
### Human: WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR OUR ENCORE... ### Assistant: We mean it, don't move. |
### Human: Dad, why are you still singing that stupid song? ### Assistant: Because if they catch us, we may have to do it again. And this time I want it tight! |
### Human: Does everyone remember their swimming lessons? ### Assistant: Yes. |
### Human: No. ### Assistant: Great, dive in. |
### Human: Swim toward San Francisco! ### Assistant: I'm not made of money! We'll swim to Oakland. |
### Human: There's a ship! We're saved! ### Assistant: Oh, what's the use? Even if they pick us up, we'll go back to jail 'cause they think we hate America. I don't want to end up like Elmo, hanging himself in prison. |
### Human: The food is so delicious here. And these Chanel suits are five for a dollar! I'm using a jacket as a napkin. ### Assistant: And here no one calls me a fat jerk... I'm a gourmand! |
### Human: I wish we could go back, but I don't think we're welcome there. ### Assistant: No, Marge, there's one group that's always welcome in America: immigrants without I.D. |
### Human: Name? ### Assistant: Simpson. |
### Human: From now on, you're the Simps! ### Assistant: Ooh, that'll save some time. |
### Human: From now on, you're the Simps! ### Assistant: Now, kids, it'll take us a while to assimilate. I'll start out as a cop, and then, with time, become a dirty cop. |
### Human: Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark! ### Assistant: Bart! You promised you'd stop making that comparison. |
### Human: Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark! ### Assistant: Per... our... agreement! |
### Human: He's got a tree in his eye! ### Assistant: If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock. We'll lose tourists! And then who will buy my roadside corn? |
### Human: You don't sell roadside corn. ### Assistant: There's a lot you don't know about me, Marge. A lot that would shock you. |
### Human: But I didn't read my poem! ### Assistant: Here's a poem: "run fast, or lose your ass"! |
### Human: Well, at least some good came out of today. ### Assistant: Bart, you're grounded for a year. |
### Human: I'll just pay the fine. ### Assistant: Okay, three bucks. |
### Human: Thanks for helping me deliver the first edition of The Red Dress Press, Dad. ### Assistant: I'm always happy to help you, sweetie. |
### Human: Thanks for helping me deliver the first edition of The Red Dress Press, Dad. ### Assistant: He TOSSES a paper and yells out the window. |
### Human: Thanks for helping me deliver the first edition of The Red Dress Press, Dad. ### Assistant: Extree! Extree! Man driving erratically throws papers out window! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Stupid women drivers. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Stupid women helicopter pilots. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Everyone okay? |
### Human: Dad! Mr. Burns cut our power -- now I can't print my paper! ### Assistant: These batteries have to power everything in our house! |
### Human: Dad! Mr. Burns cut our power -- now I can't print my paper! ### Assistant: YO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT... WHAT I WANT WHAT I WANT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I... |
### Human: Dad! Mr. Burns cut our power -- now I can't print my paper! ### Assistant: That was totally worth it. |
### Human: So, has your daughter always been such a righteous little rabble-rouser? ### Assistant: Oh yeah, she's always trying to improve mankind. |
### Human: Fascinating. Do go on. ### Assistant: Wait a minute. Are you trying to get dirt on Lisa? |
### Human: You saw right through me. Well done! Have some congratulatory drugs. ### Assistant: Well, if that's your custom. |
### Human: Now, tell me more about your daughter. And speak into the lamp. ### Assistant: Okay. |
### Human: Now, tell me more about your daughter. And speak into the lamp. ### Assistant: Well, she's into Buddhism, whistle-blowing, totally against pollution no matter what I say... |
### Human: Liberal whacko, eh? Any young beaux? ### Assistant: Well, that loser Milhouse has always had a thing for her. Don't you love it when nerds don't know they're nerds? |
### Human: Dad, how could you say these things? ### Assistant: I'm so sorry, honey. I said good things about you too. Check out the Lifestyle section: "Plastic pearls make the girl." |
### Human: Take my wallet and leave me alone! ### Assistant: Oh, I can't stand seeing one of my children like this. |
### Human: ### Assistant: I can still hear her. I'd better do something. |
### Human: Look at you go. Type-ity type, type, type! ### Assistant: Marge, I'm pullin' an all-nighter for my little girl. Put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start makin' burgers. |
### Human: "The Homer Times"? ### Assistant: "All my daughter ever did was tell people to think for themselves. I may be her father, but when I grow up, I wanna be just like her. Except still a dude." |
### Human: Check out the Willie World News: I review the new tractors. They're all shite! ### Assistant: See, Lisa? Instead of one Big Shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks Xeroxing their worthless opinions. |
### Human: Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? ### Assistant: You're the only one who won't shut up about it. |
### Human: Homer, what are you doing? ### Assistant: Trying to get a Frisbee off the roof. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Oh, there's the Frisbee. |
### Human: My, you look awfully pale. Let's get you some fresh air. ### Assistant: And while you're there, can you get my Frisbee off the ledge? |
### Human: Well I didn't need any special power to know that was comin'. ### Assistant: Hey Flanders, have you seen my Frisbee? |
### Human: Homer, I can foretell people's deaths! ### Assistant: People's deaths, eh? |
### Human: Homer, I can foretell people's deaths! ### Assistant: Do me! Do me! |
### Human: ### Assistant: So, what'd I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalanche? |
### Human: Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich. ### Assistant: What kind of bread? |
### Human: Country parmesan. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! |
### Human: Don't worry, sweetie. I am not going to kill your father. ### Assistant: Flanders? Kill me? You never killed anybody... and you're gonna start with the big dog? |
### Human: Homer, please, don't tempt the gods. I-I mean God! There's-there's one God! Only one! Well, sometimes there's three. ### Assistant: Hey Chief, throw me your piece. |
### Human: Uh, sure thing, citizen. ### Assistant: C'mon, shoot me a new one! |
### Human: Uh, sure thing, citizen. ### Assistant: Oh, I'm so scared. Ned Flanders is pointing a gun at me. You couldn't even shoot me by accident, even if I whacked the barrel like this. |
### Human: Quit whackin' my barrel! ### Assistant: Never! |
### Human: But you're gonna kill us all... ### Assistant: But ice cream cake... |
### Human: Do it! Do it! Kill everyone! ### Assistant: It sure is taking me a long time to reach this button. |
### Human: Homer, I am so mad at you! I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage! ### Assistant: Everything's comin' up Homer. |
### Human: Yeah, well, the joke's on you, smart guy. The garage made it to Heaven too! ### Assistant: Hmmm, I wonder if I could blow up Heaven? |
### Human: Your Frisbee. ### Assistant: Cool. You guys got a good buffet up here? |
### Human: Oh yeah. Just stay away from the three bean salad. ### Assistant: You're not the boss of me. |
### Human: Prior to ingestion, the pill must be reduced by my amazing new shrink ray. ### Assistant: Shrink ray? Oh, there's always something else to buy. |
### Human: ### Assistant: I've got her! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Oh, Mag... No wait, this is yours. |
### Human: Bio-nauts assemble! ### Assistant: Captain! |
### Human: Dad, you should listen to him. He's a man of science and you can barely read! ### Assistant: Bah! Has science ever kissed a woman, or won the Super Bowl, or put a man on the moon? This is what I think of your precious science. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Help me, science! |
### Human: Why is my swimsuit so revealing? ### Assistant: Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage. |
### Human: Where'd you get that rib? ### Assistant: There's a whole rack of 'em over there. I only ate two. |
### Human: Learning is cool! ### Assistant: And to make sure we get there super fast, I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm. |
### Human: Although I must admit, they know where to stop. ### Assistant: We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart?... Lisa?... |
### Human: Although I must admit, they know where to stop. ### Assistant: Fine, me. |
### Human: Don't worry. We'll be fine! ### Assistant: I'm saying goodbye to everything I ever loved. Ooh, a marshmallow! |
### Human: Don't worry. We'll be fine! ### Assistant: Boy, when God closes a door, he opens a window. |
### Human: Oh, I feel full enough as it is. ### Assistant: I say when we're full. You don't wanna piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside. |
### Human: Oh, I feel full enough as it is. ### Assistant: I need a mouth hole. And some other holes too. |
### Human: Cheer up, my chubby inner child. I've got a feeling everything's going to work out fine. Because I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN... ### Assistant: I'VE GOT YOU DEEP IN THE HEART OF ME... |
### Human: ### Assistant: You know, Black Dracula is now a Congressman from Virginia. |
### Human: Relax, we're just looky-loos. We're only here to compare our lifestyle to our neighbors. ### Assistant: Oh c'mon, Marge. It's not fair to compare us to an American household. |
### Human: It's so beautiful and modern. Ooh, a Sub-Zero fridge... ### Assistant: A slightly colder fridge? In my lifetime? Amazing. |
### Human: This is the kitchen I've always wanted. Ooh, a bread maker-maker! ### Assistant: And check this out. |
### Human: This is the kitchen I've always wanted. Ooh, a bread maker-maker! ### Assistant: A walk-in microwave! Hey Marge, can you press stop when my popcorn's done? |
### Human: This is the kitchen I've always wanted. Ooh, a bread maker-maker! ### Assistant: Uh-oh. |
### Human: Homie, when I married you, I knew we wouldn't live in luxury. ### Assistant: And I kept that vow. |
### Human: But seeing that kitchen today made me wish we had something a little better for ourselves. ### Assistant: I'll build you a new kitchen, sweetie. |
### Human: Oh, Homie... that's so thoughtful, but maybe we should hire a professional contractor. ### Assistant: A contractor? Those guys are the biggest crooks around. They charge for materials and labor! Pick one, jerks! |
### Human: Oh, Homie... that's so thoughtful, but maybe we should hire a professional contractor. ### Assistant: Man, that hurt. And now to do the exact same thing again. |
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