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### Human: Maybe you should turn off the power. ### Assistant: All right. |
### Human: Don't demolish along the way! ### Assistant: Fine. |
### Human: Don't demolish along the way! ### Assistant: Easy... easy... |
### Human: "Playdude" magazines? Have you been hiding bosom rags from me? ### Assistant: Trying to. |
### Human: These magazines are from before we were married. Maybe you should throw them away. ### Assistant: But I need them for the articles! |
### Human: I like-a to kiss. ### Assistant: Of course not. Why would I want to look at a nude woman I'm not even married to? I mean, I wouldn't even know how she could improve me. |
### Human: I'm not wearing any clothes. So why don't I just splay myself on a pool table! ### Assistant: Steady, steady... |
### Human: Okay, here's your precious articles. ### Assistant: Thanks, Marge. I can't wait to read about "Sport Fishing With Sonny Jurgensen." |
### Human: Okay, here's your precious articles. ### Assistant: What man would want you now? |
### Human: I think you used too much plaster. ### Assistant: Oh, now you tell me. |
### Human: I never stopped telling you. ### Assistant: So that's what that white noise was. |
### Human: Thanks for taking the job. I'm sorry my husband is being so difficult. ### Assistant: Get lost, crook! |
### Human: That's all right, Mrs. Simpson. Many husbands feel emasculated when their wife must turn to a professional to satisfy her remodeling needs. ### Assistant: Why don't you just kiss her? |
### Human: What's the first thing you're gonna make in your new kitchen? ### Assistant: How 'bout cooking up some money because this stupid kitchen cost a hundred thousand dollars. |
### Human: What's the first thing you're gonna make in your new kitchen? ### Assistant: I was thinking of chicken wings. |
### Human: What's the first thing you're gonna make in your new kitchen? ### Assistant: Those are good too. |
### Human: Bart, can you come in here for a second? ### Assistant: Your mother's about to show us her new recipe. |
### Human: It's dessert, but it's hot dogs, so it's good for you! ### Assistant: Marge, I don't want to freak you out, but I think I love you. |
### Human: Oh my God! Someone, somewhere says I'm better than someone else! ### Assistant: I'm proud of you, honey. |
### Human: Listen here, Simpson. Your son has been exposing our kids to adult themes, unabashed dictionaries, and the lesser short fiction of John Cheever! ### Assistant: Adult themes? What are you talking about? |
### Human: Ralphie wants to go on the pill! ### Assistant: Stupid Bart. Bagpipes getting down with an octopus... that's classic. |
### Human: I can't believe my Mom would cheat. ### Assistant: Hey sweetie, is Mom winning? |
### Human: Oh, she'll win the contest, but she'll lose her soul. ### Assistant: But she'll still win the contest? |
### Human: And lose her soul. ### Assistant: But win the contest? |
### Human: Yes. ### Assistant: Woo-hoo! If Marge becomes Auntie Ovenfresh, we'll meet all the food personalities... |
### Human: Yes. ### Assistant: Look! It's Mister Cashew... the Koobler Dwarfs... Snip, Crinkle and Poof... |
### Human: Yes. ### Assistant: Twinkle the Kidd, I love you! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Uh-oh. |
### Human: Bachelors are always squeezin' stuff! ### Assistant: Would you excuse us, Milton? |
### Human: It's Milhouse. ### Assistant: Yeah, and your father's "No House." Now scram. |
### Human: It's Milhouse. ### Assistant: Maybe I was a little hard on him. Oh, well. Bart, I know a father has no right to pry into the life of his ten-year-old son. But what's going on up here? |
### Human: I'm just spreadin' the Playdude philosophy. Hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, gettin' some... ### Assistant: Uh-um... What do you think "some" is? |
### Human: Uh... toys? ### Assistant: I thought I'd never have to do this, but it's time to tell you the facts of life. |
### Human: Uh... toys? ### Assistant: Do you know what a boob is? |
### Human: Oh yeah. ### Assistant: Good. That'll save us some time. Okay... why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed? |
### Human: Because we're poor? ### Assistant: Exactly. And we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is... |
### Human: And then the woman... ### Assistant: Well, it's better they hear it from me now, than from their parents when they're old enough. |
### Human: Thanks, honey, for saving me from myself. ### Assistant: And Marge, you'll always be the best chef in our house. |
### Human: B.F.D. I've had your scrambled eggs, Homer. The secret ingredient is whiskey. ### Assistant: Hey, it keeps the kids quiet. |
### Human: Dad, the kids at school said my butt's big. ### Assistant: That's ridiculous, honey. You're the cutest little girl I know. You just have what is known as the Simpson butt. Permit me to elaborate. |
### Human: Dad, the kids at school said my butt's big. ### Assistant: Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here... then a smaller one up here... two big, sexy circles for eyes... one macho muzzle... and a snappy new outfit. Hm, I'm lookin' good... ooh, cuffs... yeah... and for some reason, my ha... |
### Human: There's my hundred -- where's my party? ### Assistant: Nice try, loser. I bet you made up a fake test. |
### Human: Nope, it's real -- check out the watermark. ### Assistant: All right. |
### Human: Nope, it's real -- check out the watermark. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Nope, it's real -- check out the watermark. ### Assistant: Ah-ha! Here's a mistake. It says the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort. Dream on, pal. |
### Human: Homer, the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort. ### Assistant: Really? Frankfurter... is that anything? |
### Human: See, it's all legit. Now make with the party. ### Assistant: All right, boy, which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this! |
### Human: People, please. It's a school night. ### Assistant: I thought you two broke up. |
### Human: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck ... ### Assistant: Oh, what's the big deal? Bart didn't like his presents. So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts. Remember that maple leaf ironed between the ... |
### Human: It's not just the presents -- the kids don't appreciate me anymore. They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom. ### Assistant: So they're growing up. Soon they'll be leaving the nest, and you'll have time for yourself. Hundreds of thousands of hours. And then, the peace of the grave. |
### Human: Next on ABC, who's dropping by to see George Lopez? We pray it's you! ### Assistant: Open. |
### Human: I never meant to leave you, Nelson. But uh, something awful happened when I went to the store. ### Assistant: Well, that explains a lot. Who's hungry? |
### Human: I wish it were that simple. I really do. ### Assistant: They're a family again. And so are we. What happened? |
### Human: Sometimes you have to adopt your son's bully in order to bring your own family temporarily closer. ### Assistant: And Lisa, what have you learned? |
### Human: Nothing. Like many women, I still have an unhealthy obsession with my weight. ### Assistant: But talking about the problem is the first step towards the solution, right? |
### Human: I guess. But there's a long way to go. ### Assistant: C'mon, say something conclusive. |
### Human: I'm afraid this is a very open-ended problem. ### Assistant: Open-ended! C'mon, Lisa. Say everything's fine. Everything's fine. |
### Human: That was you. ### Assistant: Prove it. |
### Human: Perhaps if you wrap it in a slice of cheese. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! Free cheese! |
### Human: Homer, that was for the dog. ### Assistant: What's happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night. Then came the heart attacks. |
### Human: It's a media circus! ### Assistant: Woo hoo! The circus! |
### Human: A media circus. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! I don't know the difference! |
### Human: I didn't think anyone successful came from Springfield. ### Assistant: What about that two-headed goat? |
### Human: Technically he was born in Shelbyville. ### Assistant: Yes, but he came here to die. |
### Human: Technically he was born in Shelbyville. ### Assistant: One of you ate tin cans, one of you ate health food. How you solved crimes I'll never know. |
### Human: You're successful too, Mom. You made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise. ### Assistant: Marge! I figured out a way we can get in on this Quimby lawsuit! Bart, go ahead. |
### Human: Mayah Quimby is my er ah, fathah. Give me one million dollahs! ### Assistant: Huh? Huh? |
### Human: Homer Simpson. ### Assistant: I sawed you on the television. |
### Human: I remember you from high school. You barfed in my tuba. ### Assistant: I believe it was the school's tuba. |
### Human: Homer. ### Assistant: Oh Marge, I'm just being polite. |
### Human: I got the recipe for these in Istanbul. ### Assistant: More! |
### Human: You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place. ### Assistant: Oh come on, Marge. The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet. |
### Human: You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place. ### Assistant: I'm here! I'm here! Quit buggin' me! |
### Human: Homer, why do you always have to show that to company? ### Assistant: It's a conversation starter! |
### Human: This is the dance the Chinese government makes dissidents perform before they shoot them. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Homer, what are you doing? ### Assistant: I swallowed a chicken bone. |
### Human: Oh, I've had a few flings. Excuse me. But not all of us can be as lucky as you, Marge - Homer's a wonderful man. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Did you just swallow another bone? ### Assistant: Same one. |
### Human: Oh, Mom, don't feel bad. Everybody appreciates your... uh-oh, I'm late for my dinner... with Chloe! ### Assistant: Good news, Marge! |
### Human: Oh, Mom, don't feel bad. Everybody appreciates your... uh-oh, I'm late for my dinner... with Chloe! ### Assistant: I've learned to walk naked on stilts! |
### Human: ### Assistant: |
### Human: Chloe has such an amazing life. I wonder what would have happened if I'd stuck with journalism. ### Assistant: Oh Honey, her life can't compare to yours. You've got three kids, a TV tray from Expo sixty-seven, and you're married to King Stink! |
### Human: Yeah, I guess. ### Assistant: Marge, listen to me. Chloe may have a flashy job, but you're the backbone of this family. You're like the electrical tape that holds the two halves of my car together. |
### Human: That's a sweet thought, Homie. ### Assistant: I just hate to see you upset, honey. You know what would be a good name for Maggie? Chloe. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Ladies! There's no need to fight over me. |
### Human: No one's fighting over you! ### Assistant: Oh. Well then, carry on. |
### Human: Homer, we've gotta get Lisa! ### Assistant: All right. But while I'm gone, boy, you think about what you did. |
### Human: What did I do? ### Assistant: You uh... |
### Human: What did I do? ### Assistant: Why you little... need a reason for strangling, do ya... I'll fix your wagon! |
### Human: I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars! ### Assistant: And I'm growing ashamed of my penis. |
### Human: She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano? That's it! She is off the Christmas card list. ### Assistant: Marge, that's crazy talk. Now look, I'll save Lisa. Your place is here with the women. |
### Human: Booo! ### Assistant: Okay, you go save Lisa. I'll stay here with the women. |
### Human: Booo! ### Assistant: What do women want?! |
### Human: We've gotta go now! ### Assistant: Okay. I'll run as fast as I can, but I'm full of potato salad. |
### Human: Anybody I know. ### Assistant: Chief, my daughter's up there. You're a father too. |
### Human: Mom, I wanna be just like you. I mean the lava part, not saving Lisa. ### Assistant: Pretend to care! |
### Human: MISS LUCY WENT TO HEAVEN AND THE STEAMBOAT WENT TO... ### Assistant: |
### Human: ... HELL-O OPERATOR... ### Assistant: |
### Human: GET ME NUMBER NINE / AND IF YOU DISCONNECT ME / I'LL CHOP OFF YOUR BE... ### Assistant: |
### Human: ...HIND THE 'FRIDGERATOR... ### Assistant: Whew! |
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