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### Human: I sold it all to teenagers. There is a rumor you can mix milk, Mentos and Lotto scrapings to make jetpack fuel. ### Assistant: Does it work? |
### Human: It's either milk... or paint. ### Assistant: It's paint. Or is it? |
### Human: It's either milk... or paint. ### Assistant: Yeah, it's paint. |
### Human: You want milk? I got yer milk right here! ### Assistant: At first I thought you were pointing to your crotch. |
### Human: Listen up, ya humps! Which one of yaz parked at the bank? 'Cause they're towin' yer sorry ass. ### Assistant: That's my car! |
### Human: I'll tell you what. I'll give you a ride to the impound lot. ### Assistant: Okay. Let me just grab my registration. |
### Human: I don't think my boss has a problem with anything I do. ### Assistant: Wow, I'd really like to meet this guy. |
### Human: Well, he's in this truck right now. ### Assistant: But it's just you and me... That must mean I'm your boss. I'm sick of you! You're fired! |
### Human: No, ya Dumb Dominic. I'm my own boss. ### Assistant: Shut up! When you call in sick, who do you call? |
### Human: I don't call in sick -- I work when I want to. ### Assistant: Sometimes you want to work? |
### Human: ...and lasso the street cattle. ### Assistant: Street cattle? |
### Human: ...and lasso the street cattle. ### Assistant: I think it goes here. |
### Human: ...and lasso the street cattle. ### Assistant: |
### Human: The cars I tow. I got all kinds a names for 'em: She-atas, Hebrew canoes, spam cans, Swedish speedballs, and of course, stretch lame-os. ### Assistant: Some of those were pretty funny. |
### Human: My blow better still be in the glove box. ### Assistant: Wow, you make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it. Just like God. |
### Human: You know... if you're interested... we could use another hook jockey. The Springfield territory's wide open, since Flatbed Fred got killed in that murder-murder-murder-suicide. ### Assistant: I would love to! But I don't have a tow truck. |
### Human: For five hundred bucks, I'll sell ya this old bucket. ### Assistant: I'm not sure my wife will go for these naughty mud flaps. |
### Human: Not to worry. These are the ones you show at home. ### Assistant: Uh, that's still too sexy for my wife. |
### Human: No problem. ### Assistant: Man, you work as a silhouette model for one day and it haunts you for the rest of your life. |
### Human: One, stick to Springfield. If I catch you on my turf, I'll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, then shove 'em both down your neck hole, to which I previously alluded. ### Assistant: ...which I previously alluded... Are there two "l's" in "alluded"? |
### Human: Rule two, always keep your hook pointed out. ### Assistant: Why? What happens if I point it this way? |
### Human: Stop! Stop! I'm entitled to park there. ### Assistant: Really? What's your handicap? |
### Human: Faster! More dangerous! ### Assistant: |
### Human: What the Hell are you doinG?! ### Assistant: I'm doing my job! |
### Human: What the Hell are you doinG?! ### Assistant: You're hovering over a hydrant! |
### Human: You're in the sky, now -- my domain! ### Assistant: |
### Human: Huh? ### Assistant: I'm buying a round of the fanciest drink you got. |
### Human: With those jerks out of the way, I was able to park right outside! ### Assistant: Outside? That's a one-hour parking zone -- and you've been here a good eighty-one minutes. |
### Human: Homer, where have you been? ### Assistant: Marge, when you're married to a midnight towboy, you might not see him for days on end. |
### Human: I don't want to live like that. ### Assistant: Hey, when you married a man who would, years later, without warning, become a tow truck driver, you knew what the deal would eventually be. |
### Human: Well, no one's disputing that. ### Assistant: Guess what, boy. Last night I towed your principal's car. |
### Human: Top of the mornin', Tow-mer! ### Assistant: It's Homer, idiot. |
### Human: So it is! I'm just here to pay the fine for the Sunday School bus. You towed it with the kids still in it! ### Assistant: I guess I'm more powerful than God now. |
### Human: You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility." ### Assistant: Who said that? I'll kill them with my power! |
### Human: I told you to stay off my turf! ### Assistant: What? I'm still in Springfield. |
### Human: I told you to stay off my turf! ### Assistant: Okay, I made a mistake. Why don't you give me two demerit points in a point system we work out right now? |
### Human: Goodbye. ### Assistant: I thought we were friends! I was kidding you in a friendly fashion! |
### Human: We're just like you -- tow truck drivers who got greedy. ### Assistant: Is Louie keeping you prisoner here? |
### Human: The truth is, we're just waiting for each others' hair to grow so we can braid it. ### Assistant: Okay, I get it. I'm not stupid. It's number two, right? |
### Human: Dad? Where are you? ### Assistant: Do not worry. I am working. |
### Human: Working? Where? ### Assistant: Ask no questions. And do not call the police, or I will kill me. |
### Human: You sound weird. ### Assistant: All is well. Goodbye forever. |
### Human: Oh, that's great. / Great story... ### Assistant: Okay, we've got time for one more. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Oh, wait. That's Lisa's nose. |
### Human: Homie! You're all right! ### Assistant: Thanks to her! |
### Human: Well, I have to look good for tomorrow. ### Assistant: Right... tomorrow. |
### Human: Well, I have to look good for tomorrow. ### Assistant: Think. Think. |
### Human: Well, I have to look good for tomorrow. ### Assistant: You have to think, it's your job! |
### Human: Well, I have to look good for tomorrow. ### Assistant: Why you little... |
### Human: You have to be there -- you miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives. ### Assistant: What?! Name twelve. |
### Human: Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober! ### Assistant: American sober or Irish sober? |
### Human: Point zero eight sober. ### Assistant: Point one five. |
### Human: Point zero nine. ### Assistant: Point one oh with a stomach full of bread. My final offer. |
### Human: Deal. ### Assistant: Goodnight, sweetheart. |
### Human: And now the reason we're all here today... Lisa Simpson! ### Assistant: Oh, hello, Marge. I'm at the most important event of our daughter's life, and you're totally late. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I surprised? No. |
### Human: Homer! I'm a hostage in a bank robbery. ### Assistant: What?! Oh my God, my sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don't do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all, try to be a hero. |
### Human: Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy... even worse than Sergeant Serious! How could I do worse than him?! I stole all his jokes! ### Assistant: Chief, you gotta do something -- my current wife is in there! |
### Human: I just want to go home. ### Assistant: You have a new home now... with us. |
### Human: You're disgracing America's pastime. You should be ashamed of yourself... what the...? ### Assistant: You don't owe him anything. Moe was in the hospital for three weeks and I didn't visit him once. |
### Human: You said you visited him every night. ### Assistant: Moe the tavern, not Moe the person. |
### Human: Dwight, that was the most unselfish thing I've ever seen. I'm sorry I didn't visit you before. ### Assistant: Hey Marge, look at us -- the four amigos! They're gonna let me do some odd jobs for them on the outside. |
### Human: You see, the problem is, we've grown apart. ### Assistant: The problem is, you don't share my interest in not being with you. |
### Human: Greetings, Two Forty-One. ### Assistant: Why does he always bring up my weight? |
### Human: I want you to eliminate this reporter: Kent Brockman. He found the gully where I dump electricity every summer to jack up prices. ### Assistant: Don't worry, sir. I'll handle this cleanly, quietly and Bart! |
### Human: Well I won't be home either. I'm, uh... flipping over wheelbarrows in case it rains. ### Assistant: Have fun at your crazy-sounding thing. |
### Human: Ninth floor -- assassin's perch. ### Assistant: Now all I have to do is think of a clever line before I pull the trigger. Oh, that's a perfect one. But I don't need to say it out loud, 'cause I'm by myself. |
### Human: Ninth floor -- assassin's perch. ### Assistant: Out of my way, mystery skank! |
### Human: Ninth floor -- assassin's perch. ### Assistant: Hey! Now I don't get paid! |
### Human: You just can't get Russian gangster blood out. Must be something they eat. ### Assistant: Hey, what's that? |
### Human: How was your night? ### Assistant: Great, great -- I turned over so many wheelbarrows... Wait, that was your thing. |
### Human: Homie, I made you my "killer" lasagna. ### Assistant: Seconds, please. |
### Human: Homie, I made you my "killer" lasagna. ### Assistant: I'll kill her after dessert! |
### Human: You're a killer for hire! ### Assistant: You ruined that pie! |
### Human: How could you not tell me you were an assassin? ### Assistant: How could you not tell me? |
### Human: I told you twenty times! You never listen! ### Assistant: Well, they're not as pretty as you, Marge. |
### Human: Listen, I... ### Assistant: Okay, here's the deal, I'll do the killing for hire, and you stay home with the kids. |
### Human: I get fifty thousand dollars a hit -- how much do you make? ### Assistant: I just get to keep whatever's in the guy's wallet. |
### Human: All those nights I thought you were out getting drunk, you were out killing people?! ### Assistant: I was out getting drunk, then killing people! |
### Human: Stop it! That's my favorite couch! ### Assistant: Why do you think I'm kicking it? |
### Human: It sounded like you were. ### Assistant: Hey, who wants ice cream in bed? |
### Human: Great. Now they're gonna have tummy aches tomorrow, and where will "super dad" be then? ### Assistant: At your funeral. |
### Human: I would have taken a bribe! ### Assistant: Oh, that was so hot! I love watching you do other guys! |
### Human: I'd like to see you do a guy sometime. ### Assistant: That can be arranged. |
### Human: WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE WILL COOK THEM / WE WILL EAT THEM / 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO TREAT THEM... ### Assistant: Oh Ma-arge! Want some com-pany? As always, silence means yes. |
### Human: WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE WILL COOK THEM / WE WILL EAT THEM / 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO TREAT THEM... ### Assistant: How about a little neck rub, baby? |
### Human: WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE WILL COOK THEM / WE WILL EAT THEM / 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO TREAT THEM... ### Assistant: Now, how 'bout the neck of my butt... |
### Human: WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE WILL COOK THEM / WE WILL EAT THEM / 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO TREAT THEM... ### Assistant: Oh Marge, your tentacles feel so good. Wait a minute... why am I getting words in edgewise? |
### Human: WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE WILL COOK THEM / WE WILL EAT THEM / 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO TREAT THEM... ### Assistant: |
### Human: Kodos the Destroyer! ### Assistant: Don't worry, son -- I've got a plan to save your space doggy. |
### Human: Open this door at once! ### Assistant: Oh, I'm not decent. Let me throw something on! |
### Human: Open this door at once! ### Assistant: Can I help you, gentlemen? |
### Human: We know it's you, Mr. Simpson. Now where's the alien? ### Assistant: Wow, you guys are good. The alien's right here in the living room. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Hop in, Bart, they're gonna let us kill one! |
### Human: Bart... friend? ### Assistant: Homer -- bored! |
### Human: Definitely -- especially if you count the inside flap as part of the cover. It usually gives you a great idea of what the book's about. ### Assistant: Quiet -- we're missing the dissection! |
### Human: Actually, I'm still alive, so technically it's vivisection. ### Assistant: No one likes a know-it-all. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh... |
### Human: Excuse me, but this is not good! ### Assistant: Oh, lighten up. It's Halloween -- a night for mischief and merriment. |
### Human: I've got something that will scare the H-E-double sippy straws out of them. ### Assistant: Hold still! I'm trying to eat my way out from the inside! |
### Human: Sloth! ### Assistant: Hm, I thought I was killed by that magic spaghetti! |
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