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### Human: Hello, Simpsons. ### Assistant: Finally, some service. Now listen. We wanna sit under a cool state license plate -- Michigan or better. |
### Human: And now you're all going to die -- just because you watched a television commercial! ### Assistant: Next time a commercial comes on, I'm gonna close my eyes, cover my ears and scream as loud as I can. |
### Human: And now you're all going to die -- just because you watched a television commercial! ### Assistant: |
### Human: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge. ### Assistant: I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant. |
### Human: I'm Wes Doobner. ### Assistant: Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard, and when I go out with my family, I expect a certain level of basic-- |
### Human: Shut up! This time, to liven up my tale, I brought along some visual aides. Just call me... Slideshow Bob! ### Assistant: Nobody do it. |
### Human: "The Hills Have Eyes Three: The Hills Still Have Eyes". And now, the moment we've all been waiting for... ### Assistant: Finally, the ribs. |
### Human: He mocked my folksy ways! ### Assistant: He cheats at Uno! |
### Human: Well, I guess the rest of us should pay our respects. ### Assistant: Yeah, well, between you and me, I still can't stand him. |
### Human: Well, I guess the rest of us should pay our respects. ### Assistant: I still can't stand him... I still can't stand him... I still can't stand him... |
### Human: Well, I guess the rest of us should pay our respects. ### Assistant: I don't care about these church jerks... church jerks... church jerks... |
### Human: Feet? Killing?! We gotta save Bart! ### Assistant: Now? |
### Human: Feet? Killing?! We gotta save Bart! ### Assistant: But I'm getting a home perm! |
### Human: Bob planned this from the beginning -- ### Assistant: Uh-huh. |
### Human: He wanted to be captured at the restaurant! ### Assistant: Yes. |
### Human: He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong -- ### Assistant: No. |
### Human: His mother was a Shakespearean actress! ### Assistant: Oh yeah! |
### Human: His father is a doctor... ### Assistant: A doctor, huh? |
### Human: ...so when Bob collapsed in the courtroom... ### Assistant: I remember. |
### Human: ...his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death. ### Assistant: Uh-huh. |
### Human: It was a diabolical scheme, and every member of his family played a part! ### Assistant: Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home for ten minutes. |
### Human: Stop that cremation! ### Assistant: Hey, what smells so good? |
### Human: You're too late, Simpsons! ### Assistant: Eat hobo remains! |
### Human: Get me outta here. What are you doing? I can't breathe! ### Assistant: Marge, he's got to get over his fear of coffins. |
### Human: Well, this time I think Sideshow Bob is finally locked up for good. ### Assistant: Yeah. The only thing that's gonna be hacked to pieces now is this celebratory cake! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Fine. Google Maps. |
### Human: ### Assistant: What's going on, why are you attacking me? Look, if this is about me eating your heart pills, they shouldn't have made them in Good 'N' Plenty colors! |
### Human: You start with a splash of Jaegermeister, then add sloe gin, Triple-Sec, Quadruple-Sec, gunk from a dog's eye, Absolut Pickle... ### Assistant: Mmm, pickle... |
### Human: ### Assistant: Oh my God, why would I wanna wipe out my memory? What horrible thing did I do? |
### Human: There was a domestic disturbance at your address yesterday. ### Assistant: Chief Wiggum! I remember seeing you... |
### Human: Why don't you ask the person who filed the complaint? Not that I am authorized to release that infor-- ### Assistant: Flanders! |
### Human: Fine, it was Flanders. Now since you know everything, who was Jack the Ripper? ### Assistant: The queen's private surgeonnn! |
### Human: I had to -- I heard a hubbub, Bub. ### Assistant: What did I do? |
### Human: You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes, which I did back in nineteen ninety-eight. ### Assistant: I'm afraid I did something to make Marge and the kids leave me. |
### Human: Wait, I know someone who can help ya -- a doctor who helps people dig up old memories. ### Assistant: Really? Well, that's great, Dad. How can I ever repay you? |
### Human: Punch that orderly who takes sips out of my juice. ### Assistant: Done. |
### Human: Mr. Simpson, I have built a device that will enable you to explore your memories. The science was easy, but now I've got the hard part, coming up with a name. ### Assistant: How 'bout The Deja Viewmaster? |
### Human: Uhh... ### Assistant: Remembrance of things fast? |
### Human: Hmm... ### Assistant: The Rememberererer? |
### Human: Ah, my first Christmas. Such great Chinese food. ### Assistant: This is great! I'm finally gonna find out how I ruined my family! Strap me in, nerd! |
### Human: Now you'll feel a slight pinch... followed by an extremely painful pinch. Signaling that the spike will begin boring into your skull three seconds later. ### Assistant: Bo-ring. |
### Human: Yes, that's right, boring. ### Assistant: Ow. Ow. Ow!!! Three, two, one. Owwwww!!! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Oh, I miss those bygone days of earlier this week. But I'm needed in a darker place. |
### Human: Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way. ### Assistant: Another man... with my wife... in my house... on top of my TV Guide? |
### Human: Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way. ### Assistant: I've gotta find out who that guy is, but I need help. Someone like Bart, only smart. Lisa! |
### Human: Another me? You can watch the kids. ### Assistant: Lisa, I'm about to probe the most shattering moment of my life. You wanna join me? |
### Human: Yo, Homer! Can you take me to when you were ten to see if I can kick your butt? ### Assistant: Bring it on. |
### Human: You're superior to me in every way! ### Assistant: Well, let's see how you do against twenty-year-old Homer. |
### Human: What is it you want from me? Money? Weed? ### Assistant: I'll teach you to beat up yester-me! |
### Human: Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss. ### Assistant: Who was it with? |
### Human: Uh... Apu. ### Assistant: Right. |
### Human: Uh... Apu. ### Assistant: Kids, your mom is with another man, and I need you to help me find out who he is. Hm... is this really something I should show you kids? |
### Human: Uh... Apu. ### Assistant: It's okay -- we're not really your kids. We're just representations of them, that you created in your mind. |
### Human: Uh... Apu. ### Assistant: Really? Then if I created all this... that means I can have pizza anytime I want! |
### Human: Uh... Apu. ### Assistant: Hello, I'd like to order a pizza. Thirty-five minutes?! |
### Human: Hey, what's going on here?! ### Assistant: See? That's where my memory stops. Who the heck is that guy? |
### Human: Hey, what's going on here?! ### Assistant: What if you just moved the bottle? |
### Human: Hey, what's going on here?! ### Assistant: All right. Let me just get out of this bubble smoothly and elegantly. |
### Human: Hey, what's going on here?! ### Assistant: How can I get my memory to work? |
### Human: Duffman! ### Assistant: The mother of my children with the reason for my children! |
### Human: I'm just givin' it to your wife. She is gonna be sore tomorrow. ### Assistant: Noooo! |
### Human: Good one. ### Assistant: Wait a minute -- if killing myself would make you two happy, then I'm not gonna do it. |
### Human: ### Assistant: My life's flashing before my eyes. |
### Human: Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way. We were planning a surprise party for you. ### Assistant: A surprise party? |
### Human: I'm sorry your surprise party was spoiled. ### Assistant: Are you kidding? The mother of my children with the reason for my children! This is gonna be the greatest party ever! |
### Human: Oh yeah! Duff beer is sponsoring the party, featuring new Duff Champagne -- the beer of champagnes! ### Assistant: Oh my God! It's like Christmas in December! Let's celebrate now. |
### Human: My eye! ### Assistant: Don't worry honey, I'll get you an ice pack. Where's the ice pack? |
### Human: Geez, Homer, I can't believe your plan actually worked. ### Assistant: What plan? |
### Human: I've spit in every drink I ever served you. Bottoms up! ### Assistant: Hmmm... The only problem is, I'm sure to retain some image of coming home and finding Duffman. No doubt I'll misconstrue that as him placing a cuckold's horns upon my brow. And that will make me want to jump off a-- |
### Human: I've spit in every drink I ever served you. Bottoms up! ### Assistant: For the love of God, make sure the party boat has a moon-bounce. |
### Human: Because I didn't want him finding out about the party. I mean, he's okay, but you know he'd bring Sarah, and I just don't care for that woman. ### Assistant: And when you pushed me off the bridge, it's 'cause you knew about the party and wanted to make sure I got here. |
### Human: This is good for two free drinks. ### Assistant: Hmmm... The only thing that still doesn't make sense is why the dog attacked me. |
### Human: Because you never feed him, walk him or let him out to pee. ### Assistant: Oh yeah. |
### Human: Because you never feed him, walk him or let him out to pee. ### Assistant: Who's an angry dog? Who's an angry dog? |
### Human: Aren't you going to drink? ### Assistant: No, this is a moment I want to remember. |
### Human: We can't leave work till you do! ### Assistant: Oh no! He's talking to that mailroom guy. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Listen carefully. I have taken your wife hostage. If you don't have a wife, I have kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Now, back away from Burns and I will let your dog live. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Good. Now stop and dance like a happy prospector. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Happier! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Happier! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Happier! |
### Human: Don't you remember what today is? ### Assistant: When you ask me that it's never good. |
### Human: It's the first of the month. The day you promised to start your new diet. ### Assistant: |
### Human: I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit. ### Assistant: Marge, that was a joke! |
### Human: But it comes from a true place... ### Assistant: |
### Human: But it comes from a true place... ### Assistant: Well, if I'm gonna start a diet, this is my last chance to eat all the crap I love. |
### Human: Thank you! ### Assistant: A drive-up trashcan! |
### Human: Thank you! ### Assistant: This must be how the rich toss out their gold. And as long as I'm cleaning out the family chariot... |
### Human: Thank you! ### Assistant: Cups... newspapers... bottles... tricycle... lawn chair... un-cashed checks... |
### Human: Thank you! ### Assistant: Hmm... "Dispose of proper--" This book is too hard. |
### Human: Thank you! ### Assistant: Now for a victory cigar. |
### Human: There, there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat. ### Assistant: I can't stand to see a grown burger cry. We must rebuild Fast Food Boulevard! |
### Human: There, there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat. ### Assistant: I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a future where food is brought by waiters... where the chairs aren't attached to the tables... and where I can't ditch my kids in a pit of dirty balls. I say we rebuild the Fast-Food District -- bigger and better than ever! |
### Human: This election is on every channel. ### Assistant: C'mon, Marge, it's primary fever -- catch it! |
### Human: I think it's exciting -- Springfield is the center of the political universe. I feel like a pundit in a think tank! ### Assistant: Think tank, eh? |
### Human: ### Assistant: What? Not allowed to get one right? |
### Human: Opinions about the ads. ### Assistant: I live in that place! |
### Human: Former governor Vincent Aleppo said in the New York Times, "I will protect the nation from attack." ### Assistant: He's got my vote. |
### Human: "And ye shall judge them by the company they keep." ### Assistant: Oh my God, they're going steady -- did everyone see that?! |
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