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### Human: I'll be right back with your pie, hon. ### Assistant: Aww... that's a nice, friendly gal. |
### Human: Yeah. ### Assistant: Wouldn't it be great to live right here at the truck stop? Watching all the people come and go. You could have a different best friend every day. |
### Human: I suppose. ### Assistant: Great. I'll write your mother and tell her the marriage is off. And then when the paperwork is done, I'll make Gwenn my wife. |
### Human: Will that be all, sweetie? ### Assistant: For now... |
### Human: What about... Erika? ### Assistant: It ate everybody. |
### Human: What about... Erika? ### Assistant: Stupid! |
### Human: Uh-huh. Bet he used bait, too. ### Assistant: Relax, boy. We're ahead of schedule. |
### Human: Actually, we have to go twenty-two hundred miles in ten hours. ### Assistant: Ten hours?! We gotta roll! |
### Human: Well, Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these... ### Assistant: Sold! |
### Human: Hey! You can't take that many pep pills at once! ### Assistant: No problem. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills. |
### Human: Ext. gas station - a minute later) ### Assistant: You'll never believe what happened. I fell asleep at the wheel and the truck drove here by itself. |
### Human: Yeah, that Navitron Auto-Drive System's made our jobs cushier than ever. ### Assistant: The what now? |
### Human: With this baby drivin' your truck for ya, all you gotta do is sit back and feel your ass grow. ### Assistant: The trucks drive themselves? |
### Human: Sh-hey-hey-hey-sh! Didn't your union rep tell you about the scam we got goin'? ### Assistant: Well, I'm not really a trucker, so I don't talk to the rep that often. |
### Human: Now listen pal, here's the deal. You stumbled on a secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know. ### Assistant: |
### Human: We get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs. You think anybody'd hire us if they knew we weren't really drivin' the trucks? ### Assistant: Wow! You guys are even lazier than me! Well, don't worry. I'll keep your secret. |
### Human: ### Assistant: The second I let go of the wheel, this little wonder kicks in. |
### Human: ### Assistant: And if scaring old ladies don't float your boat, watch this! |
### Human: ### Assistant: C'mon out, boy. It's windy. |
### Human: Well, well. / What's that? / Will wonders never cease? ### Assistant: Relax, everybody! The Navitron Auto-Drive System is driving the truck for me! But keep it a secret! It's a big scam! Okay? |
### Human: He hit us! ### Assistant: Oh, I shoulda known. They're hazing us, to initiate us into the truckers' fraternity. |
### Human: He hit us! ### Assistant: Thank you sir, may I have another? |
### Human: Dad, they're trying to kill us! ### Assistant: Oh, why do all my trips end like this? |
### Human: Dad, they're trying to kill us! ### Assistant: Eat water, good buddy. |
### Human: Dad, stop! ### Assistant: Well, well, well. Looks like we've got ourselves a showdown, boy. |
### Human: Dad, stop! ### Assistant: All right. |
### Human: What are you doing? ### Assistant: I'm keeping a promise to an American roadmaster. |
### Human: Huh? ### Assistant: Red. The trucker. Big fat guy, couldn't handle his steak? |
### Human: Gotta go. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Yep. You're gonna make it, Dad. And somewhere up there, I bet Red is saying thanks. ### Assistant: Ten-four, dead buddy. |
### Human: All right, let's see... Artichokes... aannnd migrant workers. Lookin' good. So, where is ol' Red anyway? ### Assistant: Well... the last time I saw him, he was in a big plastic bag. |
### Human: Yeah, that sounds like Red, all right. ### Assistant: Well, son. I guess it's time to go home. |
### Human: Any thoughts on how we're gonna get there? ### Assistant: No, but I'm sure the good Lord will provide. |
### Human: Are you crazy? I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield! ### Assistant: Thank you. |
### Human: And as we pass the collection plate, please give as though the person next to you were watching. ### Assistant: Oh, man. This is the hottest Easter ever. |
### Human: Who put this wicked idol in the collection plate? ### Assistant: Relax, I found it in the dumpster. |
### Human: Well, let's get those off then. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Oooo. What a beautiful garden. It's almost like paradise. ### Assistant: Heads up! |
### Human: Oooo. What a beautiful garden. It's almost like paradise. ### Assistant: |
### Human: ### Assistant: Well, hel-lo! |
### Human: Speaking of ribs, is there any grub around here? ### Assistant: Is there! |
### Human: Good morning, Adam. Any bacon for you, then? ### Assistant: Don't mind if I do! |
### Human: Good morning, Adam. Any bacon for you, then? ### Assistant: |
### Human: ### Assistant: Uh, good morning, Lord. I just have to, ah, compliment you on this beautifully crafted mate. |
### Human: Oh Adam, you're too kind. ### Assistant: No, you're too kind. And wise, and righteous... I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend. |
### Human: I hate to be a bossy Betty, but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit. ### Assistant: No problem, Lord. And it would be even easier to avoid that temptation if I had a few extra wives. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Just sayin'... |
### Human: Oh, how cute. Let's call this little guy a "groundhog..." ### Assistant: Sorry, I already gave him a name. "Land monster." |
### Human: Really? Well, what do you call that thing on the branch? ### Assistant: "Branch monster." |
### Human: Quite so, mum. I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite and well, that was the last of -- Egad! ### Assistant: Why won't you be art?! |
### Human: Please stop eating that. God's gonna furious. ### Assistant: You're pretty uptight for a naked chick. You know what would loosen you up? A little fruit. |
### Human: Well, it is a sin to waste food... ### Assistant: And you keep saying we need to do things together... |
### Human: Adam, say something. ### Assistant: Uh, um, uh... I think we should see other people? |
### Human: ### Assistant: Usually a mink massage makes me feel better. But something's missing now. |
### Human: ### Assistant: I didn't say stop. |
### Human: Lovely day in paradise, isn't it? ### Assistant: Yeah, just like yesterday. |
### Human: Today I'm featuring mouth-watering pork ribs. Tuck in, then! ### Assistant: I gave a rib to Eve, and now she's gone forever. |
### Human: I'm toiling! What does it look like? ### Assistant: This is my fault. I shoulda stood up for you during that whole "Applegate" thing. |
### Human: Well, it's a little late for apologies now. ### Assistant: Don't say that! Maybe I can sneak you back in. I mean, God can't be everywhere at once, right? |
### Human: I'll be fine. Just give me a second to... ugh... ### Assistant: C'mon, Eve. Hurry! |
### Human: So! This is how you repay me, Adam! ### Assistant: |
### Human: And after I created my fingers to the bone for you I... My unicorn! Oh, what have they done to you, Gary? ### Assistant: Oh, there, there, I'm sure he's gone to a better place, Lord. |
### Human: Oh, shut up. You are so banished. ### Assistant: Hey, now let's not do anything rash... God is love, right? |
### Human: Oh, shut up. You are so banished. ### Assistant: |
### Human: King Solomon, these men need you to settle a dispute. They each claim ownership of this pie. ### Assistant: The pie shall be cut in two. Then each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie. |
### Human: Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, we slept right through church. ### Assistant: Eh, it's not the end of the world. |
### Human: It's the Rapture. And I never knew true love. ### Assistant: I never used those pizza coupons. |
### Human: Oh, right. The sins. ### Assistant: Where do you think you're going, Missy? |
### Human: Dad! ### Assistant: Ooh, I smell barbecue! |
### Human: Dad! ### Assistant: Hey, look! Oh, they're out of hot dogs! And the cole slaw has pineapple in it! German potato salad! |
### Human: Homer! ### Assistant: "You throw da can away..." |
### Human: I said Homer! ### Assistant: "You throw da can away..." |
### Human: I said Homer! ### Assistant: Marge, I'm out of beer. |
### Human: You know, Homie, a lot of men use their Saturdays to do things around the house, hint, hint. ### Assistant: But, Marge, I'm not like other men. That's why you buy my pants at that special store. |
### Human: And you could at least get that snake out of the piano... ### Assistant: Fine. I'll drop everything I'm doing just for you. But you'll have to live with the guilt of ruining my Saturday. Can you live with that, Marge? Huh? Can ya? |
### Human: Yup. ### Assistant: Can you? |
### Human: Yup. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Hey, get off my case. The only reason I'm working here is 'cause I'm trying to get a date with "Mom." ### Assistant: Look Pop, I'm planning some expert home repairs, and I need a pair of bolt cutters, or wire cutters, or something to get the lock off my toolbox. |
### Human: You mean the janitor's closet? Ha! ### Assistant: I'd like to return this barbecue kit. |
### Human: Hi, I'm Doug Vaccaro. You know me as Chip, the wisecracking assistant on the hit sitcom, "Toolin' Around." ### Assistant: A man in an apron! |
### Human: Or if you're not into chicken... ### Assistant: No, no, I'm into chicken. |
### Human: How 'bout wild boar? Or swordfish? Or hippo? ### Assistant: Mmmm... hippo... |
### Human: Light-hearted apron not included. Snapping fingers may not make food appear. ### Assistant: How 'bout it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit? |
### Human: Can I burn evidence in it? ### Assistant: We can all burn evidence in it. |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: Okay, sweetie. Daddy'll take over. |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: Oh, yeah. That's a fine looking... |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: Okay, no big deal... |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: Stupid Lisa. |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: You gotta build fast! Cement drying! |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: All right, let's see... |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille?" What the hell is that?! |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: Come on... fit you... |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: Yeah, that's one fine-looking barbecue pit... Why doesn't mine look like that?! |
### Human: Dad, I really need to rest my back. ### Assistant: Why?! Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry? |
### Human: Yeah, hold on there, Santa Claus. That box is for toys only. ### Assistant: Well, of course. Any kid would love to have this, uh... activity center. It teaches them while they learn. |
### Human: Yeah, nice try, Saint Nick. Now hit the road, Kris Kringle. ### Assistant: But, but... |
### Human: Homie, someone's at the door. They want to talk to you about some sort of car accident. ### Assistant: Take the kids out back. |
### Human: Homie, someone's at the door. They want to talk to you about some sort of car accident. ### Assistant: I'll handle this. |
### Human: Mr. Simpson? I believe something of yours struck my car yesterday. ### Assistant: Oh yeah? Prove it. |
### Human: That's your license plate, isn't it? ### Assistant: Uh... All right! Just go ahead and sue me. Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000. |
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