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### Human: Hey, Dad, gimme fifty bucks. I gotta buy some things. Uh, better make it a hundred. ### Assistant: |
### Human: Yeah, me too. ### Assistant: |
### Human: ### Assistant: Yeah, they're not great. |
### Human: I do! I do! / Right here! ### Assistant: I DO! |
### Human: Ha! All right. What's your name, young man? ### Assistant: I don't know. Just give me the dollar. |
### Human: Well, I hope this starts you on your way to a great fortune. Now, who wants the second dollar? ### Assistant: I do! |
### Human: Now... ### Assistant: I do. |
### Human: Mm... Simpson! ### Assistant: |
### Human: I need your help. I want to be loved. ### Assistant: I see. Well, I'll need some beer. |
### Human: I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune. ### Assistant: Oh, Arthur Fortune! |
### Human: Yes! That's the look I'm looking for. What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way? ### Assistant: Well, you don't have to call me slovenly. |
### Human: Take this check for two hundred thousand dollars to the Springfield Hospital. ### Assistant: Can do. |
### Human: Well, I will be when the morphine wears off, but until then, Teedily deedily dee dee. Teedily dee dee dee. Woo hoo hoo. Hee hee hee. ### Assistant: Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns, and not the silver-dollar-throwing morphine addict you've become, they might like you. |
### Human: All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators. ### Assistant: You see white people have names like "Lenny," whereas, black people have names like "Carl." |
### Human: All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators. ### Assistant: |
### Human: That didn't go well, did it? ### Assistant: Good thing those lesbians knew CPR. |
### Human: And a stunt like that impresses people? ### Assistant: Oh, yeah! And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car! |
### Human: Well, if a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm gonna bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time. ### Assistant: A sober Irishman? |
### Human: Ach. The whole town's turned out. I've never seen them so excited. ### Assistant: Hey, Willie. That old couple looks just like you. |
### Human: Aye. ### Assistant: Good. Good. One more. |
### Human: Where's my monster, Tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for? ### Assistant: Uh, to work in your power plant? |
### Human: The beast looks something like this, only without the saucy t-shirt. ### Assistant: Check. |
### Human: We're the laughingstock of the town. ### Assistant: Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We're gonna find that monster, no matter how long it takes. Besides, I'm getting kind of used to wearing a kilt! |
### Human: We're the laughingstock of the town. ### Assistant: Can you believe I'm a size four? Woo! |
### Human: Nay. 'Tis merely Loch Ness High School's discarded Homecoming float. ### Assistant: No way! Aberdeen rules! |
### Human: ### Assistant: God! It's him! |
### Human: ### Assistant: So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the dumpster? |
### Human: Tough luck, Simpson. ### Assistant: Come on, Nessie. One more pull. |
### Human: ### Assistant: Okay, okay... You want a shrimp cocktail? |
### Human: I was really starting to enjoy Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644. I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in thirty seconds. ### Assistant: Shuuuut uppa you mouth. |
### Human: Sponsored by "Grandma Plopwell's." The low-fat pudding that's approved for sale... by the government! ### Assistant: All right, a gross-out contest! Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again. |
### Human: Next up, Homer and his amazing Reddenbacher dreamcoat, with a number he calls, "Kernel Knowledge." ### Assistant: "I'm hot buttered / Check it and see / I got a fever of four fifty-three..." |
### Human: Next up, Homer and his amazing Reddenbacher dreamcoat, with a number he calls, "Kernel Knowledge." ### Assistant: "I'm hot... so very hot..." |
### Human: Next up, Homer and his amazing Reddenbacher dreamcoat, with a number he calls, "Kernel Knowledge." ### Assistant: Fours? |
### Human: Next up, Homer and his amazing Reddenbacher dreamcoat, with a number he calls, "Kernel Knowledge." ### Assistant: Ow! Ow! Oh! |
### Human: All right, judges? Who is our winner? ### Assistant: Judges can't win the contest! Booooo! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Take that! |
### Human: An Open Letter to the People of Springfield: Today our town lost what remained of its fragile civility, drowned in a sea of low-fat pudding. ### Assistant: Look, I got runner-up prize. |
### Human: You won second place? ### Assistant: No. But I got it. |
### Human: You won second place? ### Assistant: Stealing is wrong. |
### Human: Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper? ### Assistant: Yes, there's a real think piece here about a bra sale. |
### Human: Dad, stop kidding around. Look, they printed my letter. ### Assistant: Hey, that is wonderful, sweetie. I'm gonna read it just as soon as I finish what I'm doing here. |
### Human: Well, I'm sure someone had the time to read it. ### Assistant: I envy them. |
### Human: Oh, yes. Your name? ### Assistant: Uh... Geraldo... Simpson. |
### Human: All right, Mr. Simpson... ### Assistant: Who told you? |
### Human: Don't worry, these photos are perfectly legal. Many husbands use them as a romantic gift for their wives. ### Assistant: Uh, you're not gonna ask me to pose nude, are ya? |
### Human: Well, yes, unless you have some issues with revealing your body. ### Assistant: Well, I don't, but the Block Association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa Claus. |
### Human: Oh Dad, I just spent the day with the most wonderful people. ### Assistant: Oh, that's great, honey. You tell me everything you can before the commercial's over. |
### Human: Well, for the first time in my life I feel that someone understands... ### Assistant: Up-bup-bup-bup. |
### Human: Are you ready in there, Mr. Simpson? ### Assistant: Are you sure you're a fully accredited and bonded pornographer? |
### Human: Just come out. ### Assistant: Please be kind. |
### Human: You look fantastic. Let me just adjust my lens here. ### Assistant: Now you're sure this will save my marriage? |
### Human: Dad? Dad? Are you home? ### Assistant: |
### Human: All right, let's do this thing. ### Assistant: It's time to get Homer-erotic. |
### Human: Oh, Homie. ### Assistant: Houston, we have a problem. A sexy problem. |
### Human: Homie? Well, look at you... ### Assistant: Grrr. I'm gonna to maul you. |
### Human: Wooh, wooh. Look at those silk pillows. It's like the set of some high-class porno film! ### Assistant: No, no. It's just our basement. |
### Human: Hold on, wha-- That's our basement? ### Assistant: Yeah, so? Come on! More kissing! |
### Human: It looks so elegant. And all it takes are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade. You've got to show me exactly what you did. ### Assistant: But I was gonna score... |
### Human: Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me except this voice-box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame! ### Assistant: Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink! |
### Human: Oh! ### Assistant: Now's our opening. Come on, you idiots, we're taking back this town! |
### Human: Lisa, thank God you're okay. ### Assistant: Did you have fun with your robot buddy? |
### Human: Who's up for some beers? ### Assistant: I am. |
### Human: Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it. ### Assistant: Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hangin' out with a guy like me. |
### Human: I didn't say that. ### Assistant: Yes, I did. |
### Human: I didn't say that. ### Assistant: |
### Human: I didn't say that. ### Assistant: Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink! |
### Human: Dad, it's not... ### Assistant: "Gigabytes!" They've done it again. Gigabytes. Wait, this isn't "Weird." Why, there's no magazine called "Weird," is there? |
### Human: Hey look, there's a cyber-cafe opening right here in Springfield! Will you take me, Dad? Please? I'll show you how to order pizza over the Internet... ### Assistant: The Internet? Is that thing still around? |
### Human: Bart! The Internet is more than a global pornography network. It's a... ### Assistant: Come on, Lisa! Monkeys! |
### Human: Wow, Dad, you're surfing like a pro. ### Assistant: Oh yeah. I'm betting on Jai-Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called News Corp... |
### Human: Dad, that's Fox! ### Assistant: Ahh! Undo! Undo! Uhh. |
### Human: Dad, do we have any money left? ### Assistant: Well, let's check the old bank account. |
### Human: Dad, do we have any money left? ### Assistant: See? Even after all my cyber-squandering we've still got twelve hundred dollars. |
### Human: Yoink dot adios, backslash losers! ### Assistant: |
### Human: We were robbed?! ### Assistant: You seem to know an awful lot about this for an "innocent person." |
### Human: We were saving that money for our family vacation. Now we're gonna have to start all over again. ### Assistant: Ohh, don't worry, sweetheart, I'll get us the money. Even if I have to get a second job. |
### Human: Evening, neighbor. Low on funds again? ### Assistant: Yes, sir. |
### Human: Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every time you've got a bill to pay. ### Assistant: I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir. |
### Human: Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every time you've got a bill to pay. ### Assistant: It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle, while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive. |
### Human: Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every time you've got a bill to pay. ### Assistant: They're years ahead of us. |
### Human: Oh, we're not as well-off as you think. We give to eight different churches, just to hedge our bets. And the Leftorium's business has gone way downhill since Leftopolis moved in next door. ### Assistant: Well, if you're not rich then how come you have a new refrigerator, an electric can opener, a milkshake machine... |
### Human: Oh-ho-ho, we picked those up cheap. They were evidence in a murder trial! ### Assistant: Sweet. |
### Human: We got that tip at the Chuck Garabedian Mega-Savings Seminar. ### Assistant: Go on... |
### Human: I think you'll find living thrifty a lot more satisfying than stealing. ### Assistant: Maybe you're right, Ned. Maybe you're right. |
### Human: Are you tired of missing out on the good things in life? Family vacations, jet packs, Solid Gold dancers... ### Assistant: There's only three left in the world! |
### Human: Squeeze every penny! Squeeze every penny! ### Assistant: I'm squeezing... I'm squee-zing it. Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand. |
### Human: Eww... ### Assistant: Wow, this plankton's only 33 cents. |
### Human: Um, according to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago. ### Assistant: Sure, by their standards, but we live in America. |
### Human: This also says it can cause red tide poisoning. ### Assistant: But it's so cheap. |
### Human: Homer, you could've just unscrewed the bottom. ### Assistant: A little late for "could've's," Marge. |
### Human: Come on, Transylvania. ### Assistant: No, mon, let's go home to Jamaica. I and I been in Babylon too long. |
### Human: C'mon, Homer! Japan! ### Assistant: No, no Japan. Jamaica! I wanna pass the doochie on the lefthand side. |
### Human: Never mind. Looks like the Flanders' are gonna get those seats anyway. ### Assistant: Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh? |
### Human: Never mind. Looks like the Flanders' are gonna get those seats anyway. ### Assistant: C'mon! |
### Human: ### Assistant: Sayonara, suckers! |
### Human: Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked "Rashomon." ### Assistant: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we want to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo. |
### Human: Homer! ### Assistant: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club. |
### Human: I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies. ### Assistant: Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. |
### Human: I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies. ### Assistant: It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight. |
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