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even though our old house did n't really feel like home either , i wish i were there now , stretched out on the ratty old couch , with my mom in her chair , watching something on our small tv .
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i do n't know if i 'll ever be able to feel like i belong here .
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i 'll always feel like a guest in pierce 's house .
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i walk down closer to the water until i can feel the pebbles getting smaller underneath my feet .
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i do n't want my shoes to get wet .
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i jump as a bird breaks out of a tree above me .
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i can just see it as it flies off , its body a moving ink blot against the dark sky .
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i wish i could follow it .
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i turn and walk back toward the steps , feeling as lonely as i 've ever felt .
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i shake my head at myself as i climb the wooden stairs .
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my mom is happy , and i 'm fortunate to live in a place like this .
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stop feeling sorry for yourself , brynn .
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as i walk across the lower lawn , i look up and see my mom and pierce 's bedroom light go off .
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i guess they 're turning in early tonight .
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i walk up toward the pool and freeze as i hear a moan .
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the lights downstairs are all off except one in the hall , and the pool 's lights underneath the water .
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my eyes dart around and fall on two writhing bodies on a poolside lounge chair .
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nate and dana .
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i stare as nate whips off his own shirt and then dana 's .
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i know i should move but i do n't .
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the blue pool lights shimmer against his back muscles as he expertly undoes dana 's bra and pulls off her pants and underwear .
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leave , you pervert !
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my brain commands me , but my body stays firmly glued in place , even as it throbs with desire .
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one of nate 's hands massages dana 's ample breasts , and the other disappears beneath her .
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dana cries out immediately and i almost gasp myself , as though his hands are moving against me .
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i can practically feel his touch on me , his hot breath against my ear as his expert fingers move inside me ... nate grunts and pushes against her .
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she struggles to contain herself as he thrusts slowly in and out of her .
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oh my god-what am i doing ! ?
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i step back with a jolt as though i 'm breaking out of a trance and almost trip over the hydrangea bush next to me in my hurry to get away .
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i run as quickly and quietly as i can around the side of the house and to the front .
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i reach the front door and pray that nate is going to lock up later .
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i feel the doorknob turn and push the door open in relief .
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i hurry up the curving staircase and down the hall into my room , kicking off my sandals before hurling myself onto my bed and burying my head in the pillows .
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i can feel my cheeks burning with mortification over what i just witnessed and the uncontrollable desire i felt .
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i 've had crushes before , but none like my obsession with nate .
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and even after finally meeting him , only to have him tease me and push my buttons , i still feel so physically drawn to him .
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i pull my face out of the pillow and crawl to the nightstand , pulling my dog-eared copy of lady chatterley 's lover out of the top drawer .
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just as i 'm opening it to the folded-over page , there 's a quiet knock at my door .
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i toss my book on the bed and walk to it , hoping and praying it 's not nate .
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i almost jump as i pull open the door and nate 's face appears , shrouded in the darkness of the hallway .
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he leans forward , leaning his forearm on the doorjamb as i step back nervously .
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his wavy hair looks particularly unruly , and his lips are curved in a slight smile .
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`` technically speaking , does a peeping tom have to be outside , looking inside ?
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or does the term still apply if both , or all three , parties are outdoors ? ''
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he asks , calmly , tilting his chin up slightly as he considers me .
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`` i ... i do n't ... '' i stammer , feeling heat crawl up the back of my neck .
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`` you .
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were .
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watching us , '' he accuses me , narrowing his eyes .
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`` i 'm sorry .
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i did n't mean to .
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i just ... i was down at the river ... how did you ... ? ''
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`` i heard a twig snap and saw you running away like a drunken ostrich . ''
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`` did dana- ? ''
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`` no , and i did n't tell her . ''
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`` thank god . ''
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`` so ?
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what did you think ? ''
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he smirks .
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`` oh , i 'm so sorry , again .
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i 'm so embarrassed , '' i rush on .
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it strikes me that this is the longest conversation i 've ever had with my new stepbrother .
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and it 's about how i 'm a pervert .
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fantastic .
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`` why were you watching us ? ''
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he asks , stepping forward into my room .
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i take another step away from him .
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`` um , i ... i do n't know .
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it just sort of happened .
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i did n't mean to . ''
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`` liar , '' he comments lightly .
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`` asshole . ''
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it slips out before i can stop myself .
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he tilts his head slightly .
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`` prude , '' he levels at me .
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i look down .
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maybe i am a prude , but i do n't want to be .
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`` what 's that ? ''
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he asks .
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when i look back up at him , i see him gazing past me , to my book on the bed .
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`` nothing , just a book , '' i say , but he 's breezing past me toward it .
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i hurry after him but he reaches the bed before me and picks up the book .
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`` see ? ''
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i say defiantly .
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`` i know what lady chatterley 's lover is about , '' he says , looking at me with a smug grin .
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shit .
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`` maybe not such a prude after all , '' he adds , running his eyes up and down my body .
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i swallow hard .
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`` you know what i think ? ''
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he asks , stepping toward me .
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i step away again , feeling one of the posts of my bed against my back .
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`` i think you want me .
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i think you can barely contain yourself . ''
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`` that 's mighty arrogant of you , '' i comment .
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i begin to tug the ends of my hair nervously .
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`` why are you doing that ? ''
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he asks , frowning .
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`` it 's just a nervous habit , '' i say with a shrug , and drop my hand .
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`` so i make you nervous ? ''
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`` no , '' i reply quickly .
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