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what the hell are they thinking ? | [
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`` so ungrateful , both of them , '' deb mutters , marching up the stairs . | [
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dad heaves a sigh as she slams their bedroom door . | [
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an eerie silence falls over the house , punctuated only by deb 's muffled sobs from upstairs . | [
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my dad and i look at each other across the wide open space . | [
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this is as alone as we 've been in months , ever since deb showed up on the scene . | [
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i wish i could be honest with him right now , tell him how reckless he 's being , tell him how much it hurts me to see him pick up with the first woman he meets without actually giving a shit about her . | [
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but i 've never been able to call my dad out on his bad behavior . | [
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`` this is not how i saw tonight ending , '' he mutters , shaking his head . | [
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`` i just wish you would have asked us if we were ok with this , '' i say , frustrated tears stinging my eyes . | [
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`` excuse me , '' my dad replies , `` since when do parents ask their children for permission ? '' | [
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`` i just ... you hardly know her ! | [
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she hardly knows you ! '' | [
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i exclaim . | [
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`` what is it you even love about her , dad ? | [
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i mean , you do love her- ? '' | [
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`` of course i do , '' he says gruffly . | [
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`` i love how she looks . | [
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how she carries herself . | [
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her eyes . | [
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her hair . '' | [
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`` seriously ? '' | [
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i ask , scoffing , `` you like the way she looks ? | [
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that 's it ? '' | [
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`` you and emerson will be adults soon , '' my dad says firmly . | [
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`` before long , you 'll know what it feels like to want something-someone-so badly that you 're willing to do just about anything to be together . | [
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i hope you 'll have the courage to make that leap when the time comes . '' | [
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i almost laugh as he spews theses words of wisdom . | [
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he practically just told me to go ahead and jump my soon-to-be-stepbrother 's bones . | [
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but as absurd as this all is , i ca n't laugh at about it just yet . | [
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the pain is far too raw . | [
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there 's a good chance it always will be . | [
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chapter five it 's three in the morning before i hear emerson 's car swing back into the driveway beneath my window . | [
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in the four hours or so he 's been on the road blowing off steam , i have n't slept a wink . | [
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have n't even come close . | [
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my nerves have been on a hair-trigger , ready to snap clean in two , as i wait for him to return . | [
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the second i hear his car door slam , i throw off my covers and roll out of bed . | [
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crossing my arms over my chest and throwing my blonde hair into a messy ponytail , i pad over to my bedroom window and ease it open . | [
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leaning out into the warm spring air , i see emerson leaning heavily against the hood of his car , looking up at our house with despair . | [
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`` hey , emerson , '' i whisper , waving to get his attention . | [
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`` what are you doing up ? '' | [
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he murmurs back . | [
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`` what do you think ? '' | [
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i say , `` i was waiting for you . | [
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stay there-i 'm coming down . '' | [
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`` you do n't have to , '' he starts to say , but i 've already turned away from the window . | [
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i take the stairs two at a time , not pausing long enough to be self-conscious about my tiny cotton shorts and camisole . | [
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i gently push open the front door and step out into the darkness of the very early morning . | [
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emerson watches as i cross the driveway toward him . | [
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he smiles wryly at my approach . | [
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`` are you trying to kill me with those shorts or what ? '' | [
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he says . | [
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though i know he 's teasing , there 's a frustrated , regretful hunger beneath his words that breaks my heart . | [
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`` some of us have been in bed for hours now , '' i remind him , leaning against the car by his side , `` instead of rending our shirts and bellowing into the wind . | [
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or whatever it was you were doing out there . '' | [
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`` that about sums it up , '' he replies . | [
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`` what , are you pissed at me ? '' | [
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`` it would have been nice to not be stuck alone with our parents after all that , '' i point out , `` your mom cried for hours . '' | [
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`` it 's one of her favorite hobbies , '' emerson shrugs . | [
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`` you could have at least taken me with you , '' i shoot back . | [
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`` after everything ... '' `` i know , '' he says , a small sigh escaping his lips . | [
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`` i 'm not used to looking out for anyone besides myself , abby . | [
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i gave up on my mom years ago , and i guess when shit gets real i just look out for me . | [
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i 'm sorry . '' | [
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`` it 's ok , '' i whisper , reaching for his hand . | [
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to my relief , he lets me take it . | [
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`` you 're back now . | [
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that 's what matters . '' | [
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he looks my way , his blue eyes gleaming even in the darkness . | [
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i can see a million thoughts swirling behind those eyes , afloat in a churning sea of turmoil and rage . | [
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i wish there was anything i could do to ease that pain . | [
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and maybe , just maybe , there is . | [
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`` come on , '' i say , tugging his hand , `` let 's go . '' | [
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`` go where ? '' | [
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he asks , standing stock still . | [
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`` i 'm exhausted , abby . '' | [
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`` just follow me , sawyer , '' i reply , pretending impatience . | [
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`` unless you 're too chicken shit , that is . '' | [
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he rolls his eyes with just enough playfulness to give me hope . | [
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without another word , i tow him away from the car . | [
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silently , we make our way around the perimeter of the house , the expansive back yard , the black water of the in-ground pool . | [
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i lead emerson along the edge of the woods that surround our property , peeling off down a well-worn dirt path . | [
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i expect his body to tense up as i drag him into the foliage , but he follows gamely . | [
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i suppose he does n't scare so easy , emerson sawyer . | [
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`` here it is , '' i say , after a few minutes of trudging along through the underbrush . | [
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we 've come to a stop before a thick , sturdy trunk , inlaid with wooden planks that serve as footholds . | [
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it 's a place i 've come to love and depend on as a safe haven . | [
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during the worst of mom and dad 's fights , and later the worst of his drunken rages , this is where i 'd come . | [
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`` what is 'it ' ? '' | [
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emerson asks , raising an eyebrow at the makeshift ladder . | [
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`` i 'll show you , '' i tell him , grasping a plank and pulling myself up a foot . | [
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`` just do n't check out my ass the whole time i 'm climbing , now . '' | [
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`` that ... is not a fair request , '' he smiles , as i scurry up the trunk before him . | [
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i can feel his eyes raking along my body the whole while . | [
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and despite my instructions , i ca n't pretend that i mind too much . | [
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as we hit the point where the tree 's branches begin to fan out , i pull myself onto a wide wooden platform , scooting over to make room for emerson beside me . | [
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this weathered deck was built to last , but it helps that i 've maintained it over the years . | [
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it 's not quite a treehouse , but it does the trick as far as secret hideaways go . | [
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`` well , this is rustic , '' emerson laughs , swinging himself up onto the platform to join me . | [
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`` did your dad make this ? '' | [
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