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i crow , wiping tears from my eyes . | [
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`` this may be the most awkward conversation that 's ever occurred between two people , '' emerson replies , `` 'hey , i know you 're about to be my sister , but i really want to do you . ' '' | [
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that sets us off again . | [
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we collapse into each other until we end up lying on our backs , chests heaving , staring up at the stars . | [
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our hands are clasped , our smiles wide . | [
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despite the crapiness of the whole situation , here we are together . | [
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on the same page . | [
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`` promise me it will happen , '' i say to him . | [
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`` promise me that on my birthday , we 'll get to be together . | [
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the way we want to be . '' | [
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`` i promise , '' emerson says , giving me a sweet , chaste kiss on the forehead . | [
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`` but . | [
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um . | [
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i hope you do n't mind if i ask another sort of awkward question , '' emerson goes on , his fingers tightening ever-so-slightly . | [
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`` shoot , '' i tell him , turning my head his way . | [
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`` well . | [
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you know , i 'm no novice , when it comes to sex , '' he begins , delightfully blunt as ever . | [
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`` i 've been with a few girls in my time . | [
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but in your case ... i guess what i mean is ... have you ever ... ? '' | [
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my smiles fades at once as i jerk my face away from his . | [
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he senses my entire body tense up in the wake of his question . | [
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`` shit , '' he groans , `` that was so stupid of me- '' `` no , '' i cut him off , steeling myself for what i have to say , now . | [
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`` no , it was n't stupid . | [
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it 's just ... not an easy question for me to answer . | [
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that does n't mean i 'm not going to , it 's just ... bear with me . '' | [
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he squeezes my hand , but does n't say a word . | [
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i take a breath and go on . | [
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`` i was going to tell you this earlier . | [
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when we were trading secrets . | [
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i wanted to explain what happened at the diner tonight , but i was afraid that you ... anyway . | [
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the short answer to your question is , yes , i 've had sex before . | [
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the slightly longer answer is that i did n't really want to . | [
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did n't want to at all , actually . '' | [
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`` oh , abby ... '' emerson says , his voice as soft as i 've ever heard it . | [
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`` do you mean- ? '' | [
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`` it was back in freshman year , '' i go on , plowing ahead before i lose my nerve . | [
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`` i was sort of a late bloomer , so i was really only beginning to get attention from some guys at our school . | [
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there was one in particular that i 'd had a crush on since about kindergarten . | [
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he and i were at the other middle school , not yours . | [
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anyway , he teased me pretty mercilessly through eighth grade-for being smart , for always having my nose in a sketchbook , all that . | [
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but come high school , that teasing gave way to flirting . | [
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and we started , uh , hanging out . | [
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right when my mom died , he was still sort of in the picture . | [
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we were n't dating or anything , but we were spending time together . | [
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i went over to his place one night when my dad was wasted , just to get out of the house for a minute . | [
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his parents were away , so it was just us . | [
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he 'd broken into his dad 's liquor cabinet and offered me something to drink . | [
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said it would make me feel better . | [
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i had some booze , he gave me more . | [
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he over-poured my drinks . | [
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i got drunk . | [
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then he started touching me , pushing me further than we 'd been before . | [
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by then , we 'd only really kissed . | [
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but he was feeling me up , trying to undress me . | [
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i told him to stop , i was too wasted to enjoy it , to want it . | [
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but he kept on me . | [
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said that would make me feel better , too . | [
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he was much bigger than me , and i was so far gone . | [
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i passed out in the struggle . | [
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when i woke up a few hours later , i was naked from the waist down . | [
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he was asleep . | [
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passed out . | [
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there was some blood on my thighs , and ... you know ... everything else . | [
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i got dressed , went home , and took a shower . | [
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he and i never spoke again . | [
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the only other person who knows this besides you is riley . | [
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but i need you to know . | [
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it 's important to me that you do . '' | [
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a heavy , thick cloud of silence descends as emerson 's jaw pulses with rage . | [
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`` this guy , '' he says , his voice ragged , `` it was tucker . | [
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was n't it ? '' | [
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`` yes , '' i whisper , `` yes . | [
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it was . '' | [
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`` abby , i 'm so sorry , '' emerson says , `` i 'm so sorry that happened to you . | [
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i 'm sorry no one was there to help you . | [
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if i 'd known- '' `` what , you would have beat him up for me ? '' | [
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i tease , trying to force a little bit of levity into my confession . | [
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`` for starters , '' emerson says resolutely . | [
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`` that would n't fix anything , '' i reply . | [
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`` even if i 'd told someone , no one would have believed me . | [
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i only would have gotten a reputation for being a lying whore at school . | [
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with his popularity , his family 's reputation in town ... i would n't have stood a chance . | [
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i 'd rather get to leave this place behind and forget about every one of these assholes than give them the satisfaction of dragging me through the mud . '' | [
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`` i just ... i wish there was anything i could do for you , '' emerson says , `` to make things better . | [
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anything . '' | [
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`` this is a pretty good start , '' i tell him , giving his hand a squeeze . | [
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`` we ca n't change the past , you know . | [
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but we do get to decide what the future looks like . '' | [
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`` right , '' he says softly , tucking my hair behind my ear . | [
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`` you 're right . '' | [
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the sky is just starting to lighten overhead as we make our way back inside . | [
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we have school later today , as mundane as it is to think of . | [
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we pause at the top of the stairs , just before peeling off toward our own rooms . | [
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emerson lays his hands on my bare upper arms , looking at me intently . | [
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`` thank you for telling me everything , '' he whispers , `` it means so much that you can trust me with that . '' | [
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`` i 'd trust you with anything , '' i reply , taking his face in my hands . | [
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standing on my tiptoes , i kiss him earnestly , swiftly . | [
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this time , he does n't hold what i want just out of reach . | [
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1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
we step away from each other and dart into our rooms . | [
101,
2057,
3357,
2185,
2013,
2169,
2060,
1998,
14957,
2046,
2256,
4734,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |
as my face hits the pillow at last , i realize the enormity of everything that 's come to pass in these last 24 hours . | [
101,
2004,
2026,
2227,
4978,
1996,
10005,
2012,
2197,
1010,
1045,
5382,
1996,
4372,
2953,
16383,
1997,
2673,
2008,
1005,
1055,
2272,
2000,
3413,
1999,
2122,
2197,
2484,
2847,
1012,
102
] | [
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0,
0
] | [
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1,
1
] |