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`` well , i had plenty of imaginary conversations with you , too , '' he tells me , moving closer by just an inch . | [
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`` want to know how most of them went ? '' | [
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`` i 'm not sure- '' `` usually , they revolved around me apologizing for vanishing into thin air on you , '' he cuts me off , `` and for leaving you to deal with the fallout on your own . | [
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and hey , now that you 're actually sitting here with me , i can tell you-i 'm sorry . '' | [
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`` i do n't think sorry can begin to fix it , '' i whisper , staring down at my drink . | [
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`` you left , emerson . | [
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left me alone in that house , with my dad , after the way he treated us . | [
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he could have hurt me , if riley had n't shown up to get me . | [
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did you even care ? '' | [
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`` of course i cared , '' he said fiercely , `` but try to imagine being me in that moment . | [
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having my mother bring the whole family crashing down all on her own ... it was humiliating . | [
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i felt like absolute scum for being my parents ' kid . | [
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i could n't even look at you , i was so ashamed of who i was . | [
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and so furious that i could n't do anything to help or protect you . '' | [
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`` is that why you nearly killed tucker ? '' | [
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i ask softly . | [
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`` i guess it is , '' emerson allows , shaking his head , `` i was n't really thinking about it much at the time . | [
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to be honest , abby , i do n't lose much sleep over what i did to him . | [
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in my mind , that 's what he had coming from the moment he ... anyway . | [
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i had to disappear , ab . | [
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i could n't stand the idea of you being as ashamed of me as i was . '' | [
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`` i was never ashamed of you , '' i burst out , `` never once , emerson . | [
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that was just some crazy idea you cooked up in your own damn mind . | [
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i never gave a shit about our families ' money and standing . | [
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you know that . | [
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or at least you should have known . '' | [
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`` you 're right , '' emerson murmurs , reaching for my hand , `` i should have . | [
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and for that , again , i am truly sorry . | [
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but do n't you think for a second that i would n't have come running back if you 'd ever needed me . '' | [
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`` how would you have known if i did ? '' | [
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i ask , exasperated . | [
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`` i followed you , '' he says , `` online , i mean . | [
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your social media presence was pretty remarkably unprotected when you were younger . | [
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for a while , i scoped you out on facebook , myspace , checked in to see how you were doing . | [
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but once you got to college , and it seemed like your whole life was just opening up in front of you ... i knew you 'd be ok . | [
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i knew you did n't need me anymore . '' | [
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`` that 's not true , '' i whisper , my eyes stinging with unexpected tears . | [
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`` i did need you , emerson . | [
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so much ... '' `` i needed you too , '' he replies , rubbing his thumb against my hand , `` but we could n't be in each others ' lives then . | [
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not with everything that had happened . | [
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but look . | [
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we seem to have found a way back in again . '' | [
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`` so it would seem , '' i smile softly . | [
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`` i 've spent the past eight years wondering what i would say to you , if i ever saw you again , '' emerson murmurs , his voice dipping low . | [
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i know that dip , know what it means . | [
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between that and the gleam in his eye , his intentions are pretty clear . | [
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and despite every ounce of logic i possess , i can feel myself responding to his lead . | [
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`` what do you want to say , then ? '' | [
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i ask , my own voice soft and husky . | [
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my heart feels like a kick drum as emerson moves closer to me . | [
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our sides brush against each other as he moves his hand up my arm , pulling me in . | [
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`` it turns out , i do n't want to say anything , '' he says , his words gravelly and ardent . | [
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his lips move ever closer to mine , and i can feel my mouth lifting to his , as if of its own accord . | [
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emerson goes on , his mouth nearly on mine , `` i 'd rather show you ... '' `` hey emerson ! '' | [
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someone says from across the room . | [
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i jerk away from emerson as a trio of familiar faces make their way across the room . | [
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i recognize the two men and woman as some of the young people manning the communal desk at bastian . | [
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my new coworkers , as it were . | [
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and they 've just happened upon me about to suck face with my superior . | [
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i stare at emerson , my mind scrambling to figure out what my heart wants . | [
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he just looks back at me with frustrated desire , forcing a smile as his colleagues come over . | [
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`` how 's it going , bradley ? '' | [
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emerson asks , as the stylish threesome comes to a stop before us , `` tyler , emily-do you guys all know abby ? '' | [
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`` you 're the new recruit , right ? '' | [
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the man called bradley asks . | [
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he 's doing the whole trendy-pseudo-rustic look , full beard and all . | [
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and from the barely-concealed amusement on his face , i know he 's hip to what was about to happen between me and emerson . | [
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they all are . | [
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`` that 's me , '' i say faintly . | [
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looking up at them , then across the table at emerson , i feel like we 're back in our hometown diner-that night emerson 's lax bros nearly gave me a heart attack . | [
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i feel the panic beginning to rise inside of me at the mere thought of it . | [
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`` you guys mind if we join you ? '' | [
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asks emily , the chic hipster with bright violet hair . | [
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`` i was actually just going to head out , '' i say , grabbing my purse and rising quickly to my feet . | [
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`` i 'll have to catch a drink with you guys some other time ! '' | [
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`` abby , '' emerson says , his smile tightening . | [
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`` you do n't have to go already- '' `` i really do , '' i shoot back firmly . | [
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`` what about your drink ? '' | [
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he presses , as our coworkers drink in the tense drama . | [
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with my eyes locked on emerson , i raise my martini glass and knock back the rest , chugging the insanely expensive and delicious liquor just to spite him . | [
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he holds my gaze , his expression hardening into that unreadable mask i know so well . | [
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`` see you guys later , '' i say to emerson and our three flabbergasted coworkers . | [
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`` you have a lovely evening . '' | [
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1036,
1036,
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2031,
1037,
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3944,
1012,
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without another word , i turn on my heel and dash out of the bar . | [
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i 've barely made it back onto the busy street before the tears come . | [
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i should have known that this-being alone with emerson-would be too much for me all at once . | [
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there 's too much history there , too much pain , for some breezy birthday drinks to be possible . | [
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1010,
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i hurry back toward the subway , cursing myself for being such a damn idiot . | [
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`` i 'd love to not make this running-after-you thing a habit , '' i hear emerson 's terse voice say from over my shoulder . | [
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`` there 's an easy fix for that , '' i snap back , `` stop running after me . '' | [
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i draw myself up short as emerson places his staggering , perfect body in my path . | [
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`` i did n't mean to freak you out , '' he tells me , `` i should n't have pushed you . | [
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it 's just ... i ca n't pretend that i do n't still want you , abby . | [
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that i do n't still care- '' `` goddammit emerson , '' i exclaim , wrapping my arms around my waist , `` have n't you ever heard of subtlety ? '' | [
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`` tried it once . | [
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not a fan , '' he shrugs . | [
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`` this is n't going to work , '' i tell him , shaking my head , `` we ca n't just pick up right where we left off after that night at the beach . '' | [
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`` why not ? '' | [
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he insists , taking my hands in his . | [
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`` because you took a sledgehammer to my heart , you asshole ! '' | [
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