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but me ? | [
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i 'd like to use mine as a gift . | [
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a way out , for both of us . | [
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why wo n't you let me do that for you ? | [
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for us ? '' | [
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`` i 'm just ... i 'm sorry ... '' i say , trying to blink back the tears that have sprung to my eyes . | [
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`` i just need to think . '' | [
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`` fine , '' emerson says , his jaw set . | [
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he turns on his heel , storms across the loft , and grabs up a retractable leash from the side table . | [
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`` i know i should just be some alpha man idiot and storm out into the wind or whatever the fuck , but roxie needs a walk . '' | [
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the westie goes galloping over to emerson when he whistles . | [
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emerson attaches the leash to her collar and looks up at me . | [
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`` i 'll give you some time to think everything over . | [
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have some wine if you like . | [
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if you want to leave before i get back and find some other way ... i wo n't hold it against you . | [
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just make up your mind , abby . | [
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you know what i want . '' | [
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before i can say another word , he wrenches open the front door and disappears with roxie on his heels . | [
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i fall back against the kitchen island , letting the baffled tears stream down my face . | [
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with shaking hands , i fish out a bottle of cabernet from the stockpile . | [
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pouring myself a very tall glass , i let my warring thoughts pour out through my mind as well . | [
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emerson is willing to leave his job and share everything he has with me . | [
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i , on the other hand , have no choice but to abandon my job at bastian , have no place to live , and hardly any money to my name . | [
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if he and i were to start a life together now , i 'd be bringing nothing to the table . | [
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shudderingly , i remember how i felt about deb when she showed up on the scene . | [
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i thought she was desperate , and manipulative , and a helpless dependent . | [
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how would what emerson is proposing make me any different from her ? | [
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as much as i hate to admit it , i 've been living off the generosity of my family for my whole life so far . | [
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sure , i worked hard to get into a good college and paid most of my tuition with scholarships , but i have privilege coming out the wazoo . | [
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and now , what-i 'm just going to marry rich and have that be that ? | [
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how am i supposed to live with myself if i go down that path ? | [
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i have to earn my own way through life . | [
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it 's what i 've always wanted . | [
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i take a huge gulp of wine and feel it go straight to my head via my empty stomach . | [
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getting trashed is not the solution here , but i have no other brilliant ideas . | [
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i wish that i had someone to talk about all of this . | [
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riley 's probably furious with me for getting us evicted , and it 's not like i 'm going to call my grandparents up . | [
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it 's times like this when i most keenly feel the loss of my mother . | [
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i wish more than anything that she was here for me to talk to . | [
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she 'd be able to help me through this mess . | [
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but of course , that 's just a dream . | [
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i 'm all alone in this , as ever . | [
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`` well , self , '' i mutter , raising the wine glass to the empty apartment , `` it 's just you and me again . | [
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let 's figure out what we 're going to do . '' | [
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i nearly lose my balance on the bar stool as a loud knocking rings out from the front entry way . | [
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that 's weird . | [
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emerson just left five minutes ago , and besides , he has a key . | [
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we did n't order any food , and there 's no way riley 's swinging by to say hello after what i 've done to her . | [
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so then who could possibly be knocking at this hour ? | [
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cradling my wine glass , i stand and cross to the front door . | [
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probably it 's just emerson 's dry cleaning , or something . | [
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billionaires have things like dry cleaning delivery , right ? | [
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i step into the entryway and unlock the front door , swinging it open with my free hand . | [
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there 's a man standing on emerson 's front steps . | [
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he wears a dated but clean sport coat , a fair amount of stubble , and scuffed shoes that must once have been very expensive . | [
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his hands are clasped nervously in front of him , and his hunched shoulders give him a look of preemptive defeat . | [
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there are red splotches across his nose and cheeks , signature features of an alcoholic . | [
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the man is staring at shoes , and for a moment i ca n't place him . | [
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but then , he lifts his face to me , and i feel the wind rush out of my lungs . | [
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`` dad ? '' | [
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i breathe , paralyzed in the doorway . | [
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`` hello abigail , '' he replies with heartbreaking formality . | [
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`` i hope this is n't a bad time . | [
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well . | [
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i know it is , but ... can i come in ? '' | [
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`` oh . | [
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of course , '' i tell him , stepping aside to let him in . | [
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my dad shuffles past me into emerson 's loft , looking as frail as i 've ever seen him . | [
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i stare after him , utterly baffled by his sudden appearance here . | [
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i have n't seen him since my masters program graduation ceremony , and even then he barely said hello before disappearing into thin air again . | [
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he 's not exactly an active presence in my life , so what the hell is he doing here , on one of the most intense nights of my life ? | [
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`` dad , '' i begin , watching as he stands awkwardly in the middle of emerson 's loft , `` why are you here ? '' | [
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`` your grandparents . | [
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they told me what was going on , '' he mutters , `` i figured you might be in a tough spot , so i thought i 'd come and try to ... i do n't know . | [
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help ? '' | [
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`` but how did you even find this place ? '' | [
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i ask . | [
101,
1045,
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1012,
102
] | [
0,
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] | [
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`` your friend . | [
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roommate . | [
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] | [
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she mentioned you were with emerson . | [
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this address was n't too hard to find , '' he shrugs . | [
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i take a nervous sip of wine and immediately feel horrible for doing so as my dad shifts uncomfortably . | [
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`` i 'm sorry , i should n't , '' i murmur , setting down my wine glass . | [
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`` no , it 's ok , '' dad assures me , `` i 've been sober for a solid six months . '' | [
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i bite my lip . | [
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six months is always about how long he lasts between relapses . | [
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i do n't want to set him off . | [
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what i do want is to understand what possessed my father to track me down tonight . | [
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we have n't had a real conversation in years . | [
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really , not since his falling out with deb . | [
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his endless cycle of relapses and recoveries has broken him own . | [
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he looks feeble , now . | [
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broken . | [
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i hate to see him like this . | [
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`` so ? '' | [
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i prompt him , `` are you here to save me from the evil emerson sawyer ? | [
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are you going to tell me that grandma and grandpa are right , and that i should steer clear of him if i know what 's good for me ? '' | [
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`` no , '' my dad replies , shoving his hands into his pockets . | [
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`` no ? '' | [
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i reply , taken aback . | [
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