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Dataset card Data Studio Files
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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] You make jumps you can't explain, Will. The evidence explains. Then help me find some evidence. I wouldn't put him out there! Should he get too close, I need you to make sure he's not out there alone. I don't think the Shrike killed that girl in the field. This girl's killer thought that she was a pig. You think this was a copycat? I think I can help good Will, see his face. Hello? They know. (gunshots) You said he wouldn't get too close. See? (gunshots) (knocking) Jack: We're here! (police radio chatter) Will: Could be a permanent installation in your Evil Minds Museum. Jack: Well, what we learn about Garrett Jacob Hobbs will help us catch the next one like him. There's still seven bodies unaccounted for. Will: Yeah, well, he was eating them. Jack: Had to be some parts he wasn't eating. Will: Not necessarily. Jack: All right, what if Hobbs wasn't eating alone? It's a lot of work. Disappearing these girls, butchering them, and then not leaving a shred of anything other than what's in this room. Will: Someone he hunted with. Jack: Someone who is in a coma, who also happened to be someone he hunted with. Will: Abigail Hobbs is a suspect? Jack: We've been conducting house-to-house interviews at the Hobbs residence, and, uh, at this property also. Hobbs spent a lot of time here. Spent a lot of time with his daughter here. She would make the ideal bait, wouldn't she? Will: Hobbs killed alone. Ah... someone else was here. [SCENE_BREAK] (Applause) Will: Thank you. Please stop that. This is how I caught Garrett Jacob Hobbs. It's his resignation letter. Does anybody see the clue? There isn't one. He wrote a letter, he left a phone number, no address. That's it. Bad bookkeeping and dumb luck. (gasping) Garrett Jacob Hobbs is dead. The question now is how to stop those his story is going to inspire. (projector click) He's already got one admirer. A copycat. [SCENE_BREAK] Will: Hi. Alana: How are you, Will? Will: Uh, I have no idea. Alana: Um, I didn't want you to be ambushed. Will: This is an ambush? Alana: Ambush is later. Immediately later soon to now. When Jack arrives, consider yourself ambushed. Will: Here's Jack. Jack: How was class? Will: Um, they applauded. It was inappropriate. Jack: Well, the review board would beg to differ. You're up for a commendation. And they've, uh, okayed active return to the field. Alana: The question is, do you want to go back to the field? Jack: I want him back in the field. And I've told the board I'm recommending a psych eval. Will: Are we starting now? Alana: Oh, the session wouldn't be with me. Jack: Hannibal Lecter's a better fit. Your relationship's not personal. But if you are more comfortable with Dr. Bloom- Will: No, I'm not going to be comfortable with anybody inside my head. Alana: You've never killed anyone before, Will. It's a deadly force encounter. It's a lot to digest. Will: I used to work Homicide. Jack: The reason you currently used to work Homicide is because you didn't have the stomach for pulling the trigger. You just pulled the trigger ten times! Will: Wait, so a psych eval isn't a formality? Jack: No, it's so I can get some sleep at night. I asked you to get close to the Hobbs thing. I need to know you didn't get too close. How many nights did you spend in Abigail Hobbs' hospital room, Will? Will: Therapy doesn't work on me. Jack: Therapy doesn't work on you because you won't let it. Will: And because I know all the tricks. Jack: Well, perhaps you need to un-learn some tricks. Alana: Why not have a conversation with Hannibal? He was there. He knows what you went through. Jack: Come on, Will. I need my beauty sleep! [SCENE_BREAK] Will: What's that? Hannibal: Your psychological evaluation. You are totally functional and more or less sane. Well done. Will: Did you just rubber stamp me? Hannibal: Yes. Jack Crawford may lay his weary head to rest knowing he didn't break you and our conversation can proceed unobstructed by paperwork. Will: Jack thinks that I need therapy. Hannibal: What you need is a way out of dark places when Jack sends you there. Will: Last time he sent me into a dark place, I brought something back. Hannibal: A surrogate daughter? You saved Abigail Hobbs' life. You also orphaned her. That comes with certain emotional obligations, regardless of empathy disorders. Will: You were there. You saved her life too. Do you feel obligated? Hannibal: Yes. I feel a staggering amount of obligation. I feel responsibility. I've fantasized about scenarios where my actions may have allowed a different fate for Abigail Hobbs. Will: Jack thinks Abigail Hobbs helped her dad kill those girls. Hannibal: How does that make you feel? Will: How does it make you feel? Hannibal: I find it vulgar. Will: Me too. Hannibal: And entirely possible. Will: It's not what happened. Hannibal: Jack will ask her when she wakes up, or he'll have one of us ask her. Will: Is this therapy, or a support group? Hannibal: It's whatever you need it to be. And, Will, the mirrors in your mind can reflect the best of yourself, not the worst of someone else. [SCENE_BREAK] Boy1: What is that? Boy2: I bet it's marijuana. Boy3: Mushrooms. Look, they got tubes to water 'em or something. Boy2: No, it's a marijuana plant. Boy1: That's not marijuana. [SCENE_BREAK] Beverly: I'm pretty sure firearm accuracy isn't a prerequisite for teaching. Will: Well, I've been in the field before. Beverly: Now you're back in the saddle. Ish. Will: Ish indeed. Took me 10 shots to drop Hobbs. Beverly: Zeller wanted to give you the bullets he pulled out of Hobbs in an acrylic case, but I told him you wouldn't think it was funny. Will: Probably not. Beverly: I suggested one of those clackin' swingin' ball things. Will: That would've been funny. Beverly: You're a Weaver. I took you for an isosceles guy. Will: I have a rotator cuff issue so I have to use the Weaver stance. Beverly: You are tight. Will: I got stabbed when I was a cop. Beverly: Yeah, I got stabbed in the third grade with a number two pencil. Thought I was gonna get lead poisoning. Will: Uh, no lead in pencils; It's graphite. Beverly: See if that helps with the recoil. Will: That was better. You come all the way down here to teach me how to shoot? Beverly: No. Jack sent me down here to find out what you know about gardening. (crow cawing) Jack: So, Lecter gave you the all-clear. Therapy might work on you after all. Will: Therapy is an acquired taste which I have yet to acquire. But, uh, it served your purpose. I'm back in the field. Jack: Local police found tire tracks on a hidden service road and some small animal traps in the surrounding area. Will: He wanted to keep his crop undisturbed. Jack: The only thing missing is the scarecrow. [SCENE_BREAK] Jimmy: OK, we've got nine bodies, various stages of decay, and as you can see, all very well fertilized. Beverly: He buried them in a high-nutrient compost. He was enthusiastically encouraging decomposition. Brian: They were buried alive with the intention of keeping them that way. I mean, for a little while. Jimmy: : Long enough for the fungus to eat away any distinguishing characteristics. Brian: Line and rebar were used to administer intravenous fluids after they were buried. He was feeding them something. Will: No restraints? Jimmy: Just dirt. Beverly: The other end of the air-supply system comes up over there. It isn't a very considerate clean air solution, which clearly wasn't a priority, 'cause he isn't lazy. Will: No, he's not. Beverly: You find any shitakes? Brian: : No. Jack: Welcome back. [SCENE_BREAK] Detective: Tell Sam to give me a call, will you? Thank you. Excuse me. Freddie: I'm one of the parents of the explorers who found the bodies. I wanted to thank you for being so good with all the boys. Detective: Those boys were very brave. Freddie: They are good boys. Detective: Yeah. Freddie: You're a local police detective? Detective: Yes ma'am. Freddie: Would it be an imposition to ask a few things? The boys are gonna have questions and I just want to be as honest with them as- Detective: Of course. Freddie: Can you, uh, tell me what that man is doing over there by himself? Detective: He's some kind of special consultant. Works for the FBI. Freddie: Huh. (sound muted) (soft ambient pulse) (Sound returns.) Will: I do not bind his arms or legs as I bury him in a shallow grave. (ventilator pumping) He's alive. But he will never be conscious again. He won't know that he's dying. I don't need him to. This is my design. [SCENE_BREAK] Detective: I think your family's leaving. Freddie: We drove separately. [SCENE_BREAK] (muffled gasp) (Will gasping) Will: I need an EMT! (person gasping) Katz: EMT! We need an EMT! Officer Zeller: Don't touch him! [SCENE_BREAK] Will: This may have been premature. Hannibal: What did you see? Out in the field. Will: Hobbs. Hannibal: An association? Will: A hallucination. I saw him lying there in someone else's grave. Hannibal: Did you tell Jack what you saw? Will: No! Hannibal: It's stress. Not worth reporting. You displaced the victim of another killer's crime with what could arguably be considered your victim. Will: I don't consider Hobbs my victim. Hannibal: What do you consider him? Will: Dead? Hannibal: Is it harder imagining the thrill somebody else feels killing, now that you've done it yourself? The arms. Why did he leave them exposed? To hold their hands? To feel the life leaving their bodies? Will: No, that's too esoteric for someone who took the time to bury his victims in a straight line. He's more practical. Hannibal: He was cultivating them. Will: He was keeping them alive. He was feeding them intravenously. Hannibal: But your farmer let his crops die. Save for the one that didn't. Will: Well, and the one that didn't died on the way to the hospital, though they weren't crops; They were the fertilizer. The bodies were covered in fungus. Hannibal: The structure of a fungus mirrors that of the human brain an intricate web of connections. Will: So maybe he admires their ability to connect the way human minds can't. Hannibal: Yours can. Will: (laughs) Yep. Um yeah, not physically. Hannibal: Is that what your farmer is looking for? Some sort of connection? [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: Have a good evening, Will. [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: Miss Kimball? Freddie: Yes. Hannibal: Good evening. Please come in. [SCENE_BREAK] Freddie: I've, uh, never seen a psychiatrist before. And I am unfortunately thorough, so you're one of three doctors I'm interviewing. It's more or less a bake-off. Hannibal: I'm very supportive of bake-offs. It's important you find someone you're comfortable with. Freddie: I can imagine you as my therapist, which is good. If I can't visualize opening up emotionally, I know it would be a problem. Hannibal: May I ask why now? Freddie: Do you mind if I ask you a few questions first? Hannibal: Of course not. Freddie: I love that you've written so much on social exclusion. Since that's why I'm here, I was wondering- Hannibal: Are you Freddie Lounds? Freddie: Ah... Hannibal: This is unethical, even for a tabloid journalist. Freddie: I am, uh, I am so embarrassed. Hannibal: I'm afraid I must ask for your bag. Freddie: What? Hannibal: Your bag. Please hand it over. I'd rather not take it from you. Thank you. Freddie: I was recording our conversation. Hannibal: Our conversation? Yours and mine? Freddie: Yes. Hannibal: No other conversation? Freddie: No. Hannibal: You were very persistent about your appointment time. How did you know when Will Graham would be here? Freddie: I may have also recorded your session with Will Graham. Hannibal: You didn't answer the question. How did you know? Freddie: I can't answer that question. Hannibal: Come. Sit by me. Delete the conversations you recorded. Doctor-patient confidentiality works both ways. Delete it, please. You've been terribly rude, Miss Lounds. What's to be done about that? [SCENE_BREAK] [ ♪ J.S. Bach: Cello Suite No.4: Prelude ] Hannibal: Loin, served with a Cumberland sauce of red fruits. Jack: Um, loin. What kind? Hannibal: Pork. Jack: Wonderful. I don't get many opportunities to, uh, eat home-cooked meals. My wife and I both work, and, uh, as hard as I tried not to, I did wind up marrying my mother. Hannibal: Your mother didn't cook? Jack: She did, she did. I only wish she didn't. There was this meal she used to prepare. She liked to call it "oriental noodles". Spaghetti, soy sauce, bouillon cubes, and spam. I was raised thin as a youngster. Hannibal: Well, next time, bring your wife. I'd love to have you both for dinner. Jack: Thank you. Mmm. Lovely. So, why do you think Will Graham... came back to see you? Hannibal: I'm sure he recognizes the necessity of his own support structure if he is to go on supporting you in the field. Jack: Well, I believe that a guy like Will Graham knows exactly what's going on inside of his head, which is why he doesn't want anyone else up there. Hannibal: Are you not accustomed to broken ponies in your stable? Jack: You think Will Graham's a broken pony? Hannibal: I think you think Will is a broken pony. Have you ever lost a pony, Jack? Jack: If you're asking me whether or not I've ever lost someone in the field, the answer is yes. Why? Hannibal: I want to understand why you're so delicate with Will. Because you don't trust him, or because you're afraid of losing another pony? Jack: I've already had my psych eval. Hannibal: Not by me. You've already told me about your mother. Why stop there? Jack: (laughing) Oh, great. All right. Mmm... [SCENE_BREAK] Will: What were they soaked in? Jimmy: A highly concentrated mixture of hardwoods, shredded newspaper, and pig poop perfect for growing mushrooms and other fungi. Brian: It was not the mushrooms, though. They all died of kidney failure. Beverly: Dextrose in all the catheters. He probably used some kind of dialysis or peristaltic to pump fluids after their circulatory systems broke down. Will: Force-feeding them sugar water? Jimmy: You know who loves sugar water? Mushrooms. They crave it. Brain: Recovering alcoholics. They crave sugar. Uh, don't take that personally, buddy. Jimmy: Oh, I'm not recovering. Brain: Feed sugar to the fungus in your body, the fungus creates alcohol, so it's like friends helping friends, really. Will: It's not just alcoholics who have compromised endocrine systems. They all died of kidney failure? Death by diabetic ketoacidosis. Beverly: Did you know they were diabetics? Brain: We don't know they were diabetics. Will: No, they're all diabetics. He induces a coma and puts them in the ground. Beverly: How is he inducing diabetic comas? Will: Changes their medication. So he's a doctor or a pharmacist or he works somewhere in medical services. Beverly: He buries them, feeds them sugar to keep them alive long enough for the circulatory systems to soak it up. Jimmy: So he can feed the mushrooms! Brian: We dug up his mushroom garden. Will: Yeah, he's gonna want to grow a new one. [SCENE_BREAK] Ms. Speck: I'm picking up a prescription for Gretchen Speck. Eldon: Gretchen Speck (typing) - Horowitz. Ms. Speck: Oh, it's just Speck. We're divorced. I lost the hyphen, kept the ring. Eldon: Insulin. Ms. Speck: Yes. Eldon: Oh. Oh, it's the wrong one. Just- Ms Speck: Uh-oh. Eldon: No, no, it's OK. Just gonna be one second. There. There you go. Oh, could you sign here please? And that's your correct address? Ms Speck: Yeah. Thank you. Eldon: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Eldon: Mrs. James. If you could sign here, please? Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Jack: She's the chain's 10th diabetic customer to disappear after filling a prescription for insulin, second to disappear from this exact location. Will: And the other eight? Jack: All over the county. One pharmacist all over the county as well. Will: Floater, huh? Jack: Floater's floating right here. Still logged in at his work station. Everyone please stop what you are doing. Put your hands in the air! Special Agent Jack Crawford. Which one of you is Eldon Stammets? [SCENE_BREAK] : Eldon was just here. Just now. Will: Is his car still in the parking lot? Jack: His car! [SCENE_BREAK] Will: Give me your baton. Ugh! (ventilator pumping) She's alive! Jack: EMTs! Now! All right. We know his name, we have his address, we have his car. Jimmy: Jack. We just checked the browser history at Stammets' work station. Jack: Am I gonna wanna hear this? Jimmy: No. And yes, but mostly no. [SCENE_BREAK] Brian: Freddie Lounds. TattleCrime.com. Beverly: "The FBI isn't just hunting psychopaths, they're headhunting them "too, offering competitive pay and benefits in the hopes of using one demented mind-" Jack: Keep going. Beverly: It's about Will. Jack: Go on. Beverly: "One demented mind to catch" She goes into a lot of detail. Jack: Son of a bitch. [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: You are naughty, Miss Lounds. [SCENE_BREAK] (knocking on door) Freddie: Who is it? (knocking on door) Who is it? Ah! Brian: : All clear. Freddie: I appreciate the pageantry, Agent Crawford, but you can't arrest me for writing an article. Jack: You entered a federal crime scene without permission. Freddie: Escorted by a detective. Jack: Under false pretence! Freddie: It is as good as permission. Jack: You lied to a police officer. Freddie: You can't arrest me for lying. Jack: You got all that information from a local detective? Friddie: Lots of talk about your man Graham. Not to mention the rivalry of who gets the collar. A local police detective looking for a pissing contest with the FBI might have some insight. Jack: And evidently did. Friddie: Sure did. Jack: You know, the unfortunate timing of your article allowed a murderer to escape. You were in Minnesota. You were in the Shrike's nest. You know how I know? 'Cause you left one of these hairs behind. You contaminated the crime scene. Just like everywhere you go, you contaminate crime scenes. That's obstructing justice. I can indict you for obstructing justice. Friddie: I'd appreciate it if you didn't. Jack: You don't write another word about Will Graham and I won't have to. Brian: You used me. (monitor beeping) (ventilator pumping) (footsteps) Alana: "He and the Grandmother discussed better times.", The old lady said that "in her opinion, Europe was entirely to blame for the way things were now. She said" Will: What are you reading? Alana: Flannery O'Connor. When I was Abigail's age, I was obsessed. I even tried to raise peacocks because she raised peacocks. But they were really stupid birds. Will: You could be reading to a killer. Alana: Innocent until guilty and all that. I'm about to broach the subject of that "Takes One to Know One" article. Will: Oh, that. Did Jack send you? Alana: No, I sent me. Will: I don't think we've ever been alone in a room together, have we? Alana: I haven't noticed. Have we? Not that we're necessarily alone now. Will: Yeah, right. Back to "Jack Crawford's crime gimp". Alana: It certainly creates an image. I don't need to talk about it if you don't. Will: No, no, we can talk about or not talk about whatever you want. Actually, I was I was just enjoying listening to you read. Alana: Abigail Hobbs is a success for you. Will: She doesn't look like a success. Alana: Don't feel sorry for yourself because you saved this girl's life. Will: I don't. I don't feel sorry for myself at all. I feel, um I-I I feel, um good. [SCENE_BREAK] Detective: Don't know where you got half that information. It wasn't from me. Freddie: I may have made some inferences. Detective: They think I told you all of it. Freddie: They saw you talking to me. Detective: They think it's my fault Stammets escaped. Freddie: I'm sorry I got you fired. Detective: I wasn't fired. I was suspended. Freddie: They're gonna fire you. Jack Crawford will make sure of that. Detective: You- You stir the hornet's nest, and I'm the one who gets stung? Freddie: I can help you get work outside the force, if you want me to. I know people in private security. Detective: Not the first cop you got fired. Freddie: Guarantee you it pays better. Right now, future you is thanking me- Eldon: I read your article. Tell me about Will Graham. [SCENE_BREAK] Freddie: Hey, Jack. Jack: Miss Lounds? Go ahead and stand down, officer. Miss Lounds, are you all right? Freddie: Where's Will Graham? Jack: We have an eyewitness to the murder. We don't need Will Graham. Freddie: No, that's not why I'm asking. Jack: Someone find me Will Graham! This is about Will? Freddie: He was talking about people having the same properties of a fungus. Jack: Stammets? Freddie: Thoughts leaping from brain to brain. They mutate, they evolve. Jack: Well, what does he want with Will Graham? Freddie: Someone who understands him. Graham was right. Stammets is looking for connections. Jack: What did you tell him? I need to know what you told Eldon Stammets about Will Graham. Freddie: I told him about the Hobbs girl. Jack: What did you tell him? Freddie: Everything. He wants to help Will Graham connect with Abigail Hobbs. He's gonna bury her. [SCENE_BREAK] (ding!) Will: Sorry. (ding!) (phone ringing) Hello? - [lt's Jack.] [Are you at the hospital?] Yes, I am. [Stammets knows about Abigail Hobbs.] Where is she? Abigail Hobbs, the girl in 408. Where is she? Nurse: They took her for tests. Will: Who took her? Who took her?! Nurse: I don't know! Will: Hey! (grunting in pain) What were you gonna do to her? Eldon: We all evolved from mycelium. I'm simply reintroducing her to the concept. Will: By burying her alive? Eldon: The journalist said you understood me! Will: I don't. Eldon: Well, you would have. You would have. If you walk through a field of mycelium, they know you are there. They know you are there. The spores reach for you as you walk by. I know who you're reaching for. I know. Abigail Hobbs. And you should have let me plant her. You would have found her in a field, where she was finally able to reach back! [SCENE_BREAK] Hannibal: When you shot Eldon Stammets, who was it that you saw? Will: I didn't see Hobbs. Hannibal: Then it's not Hobbs' ghost that's haunting you, is it? It's the inevitability of there being a man so bad that killing him felt good. Will: Killing Hobbs felt just. Hannibal: Which is why you're here to prove that sprig of zest you feel is from saving Abigail, not from killing her dad. Will: I didn't feel a sprig of zest when I shot Eldon Stammets. Hannibal: You didn't kill Eldon Stammets. Will: I thought about it. I'm still not entirely sure that wasn't my intention pulling the trigger. Hannibal: If your intention was to kill him, it's because you understand why he did the things he did. It's beautiful in its own way giving voice to the unmentionable. Will: I should've stuck to fixing boat motors in Louisiana. Hannibal: A boat engine is a machine, a predictable problem, easy to solve. You fail, there's a paddle. Where was your paddle with Hobbs? Will: You're supposed to be my paddle. Hannibal: I am. It wasn't the act of killing Hobbs that got you down, was it? Did you really feel so bad because killing him felt so good? Will: I liked killing Hobbs. Hannibal: Killing must feel good to God too. He does it all the time. And are we not created in his image? Will: That depends who you ask. Hannibal: God's terrific. He dropped a church roof on 34 of his worshippers last Wednesday night in Texas, while they sang a hymn. Will: And did God feel good about that? Hannibal: He felt powerful.
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[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. ABERNATHY RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY -- NIGHT] (The lamp post light over the driveway flickers out then goes back on again.) [INT. ABERNATHY RESIDENCE - MASTER BEDROOM -- NIGHT] (Open on a framed photo on the bedside table of a man and a woman smiling. Camera moves over and across the bed to the closed bedroom door. Under the door through the crack we see swirling smoke seeping into the bedroom.) [MARTHA JAMES' BEDROOM] (MARTHA JAMES sleeps quietly in her bed.) [SAM ABERNATHY'S BEDROOM] (Camera sweeps low across the floor - along the thrown puzzle pieces littering the carpet and over to the bunk bed ladder. It rises up and finds SAM ABERNATHY sleeping in bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [SABRINA'S BEDROOM] (The focus is on the neatly made bed and the stuffed animal on it. Smoke rises up from the floor to cover the bed like a cloud completely obscuring it from our vision.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ABERNATHY RESIDENCE - FRONT YARD - NIGHT - LATER] (The bedroom windows explode and a stream of fire bursts out of the house. A fireman walking across the lawn ducks instinctively.) Fireman: Go pull a line towards the garage. (The house is on fire and fire fighters are attempting to put it out.) (Two firemen assist MARTHA JAMES and JESSICA ABERNATHY out of the house. Jessica Abernathy: Sam? Fireman: (o.s.) Knock it down. Jessica Abernathy: (hysterical) Sam? Where is Sam? Fireman: You're going to be all right. (The firemen lead MARTHA JAMES and JESSICA ABERNATHY across the lawn and away from the house fire.) Jessica Abernathy: What about Sam?! Sam! Fireman: I'm going to need you to stay right here, ma'am. Jessica Abernathy: Sam. Where is he? Where is...? (A FIREMAN pushes the door open and exits the house. He's carrying SAM ABERNATHY in his arms.) Fireman: Hey, I got one more! (The FIREMAN carries SAM over to his mom and the medic.) Fireman: Here you go, pal. You stay right here with your mom. (The MEDIC takes SAM'S hand.) Fireman: Ma'am, is there anybody else in there? Jessica Abernathy: No. (The FIREMEN open another hose and aim it at the house. The house is on fire.) [SCENE_BREAK] (CATHERINE and NICK carry their kits and walk toward WARRICK who is standing on the side on the driveway next to the Arson Investigator, JACK. They're both watching the fire.) Catherine: Hey. (WARRICK and JACK turn around.) Nick: What's with the 911 page? Fire's not even out yet. Warrick: Jack's an arson investigator. We were here on this same street ten days ago. Jack: Garage fire a few houses down. Deemed intentional. Catherine: So you think it's a serial? Warrick: I don't know, but I'm keeping my eyes peeled. Maybe they came back to take a look. Fireman: (o.s.) We got another one. (A FIREMAN comes out of the burning house carrying a body.) Fireman: Got another one. (He makes his way toward the medics. JESSICA ABERNATHY is completely confused, but she recognizes her own daughter.) Jessica Abernathy: Sabrina? Fireman: We need a paramedic right now. She's not breathing. (JESSICA kneels down next to her daughter.) Jessica Abernathy: Sabrina, what are you doing here? You weren't supposed to be here. Sabrina? (The MEDICS work on SABRINA, but she's already gone.) Jessica Abernathy: (sobbing) Please help me. Please. Catherine: I think our arsonist just turned into a murderer. (Camera rises up above the scene of the PARAMEDIC working on SABRINA as sounds of her mother sobbing are heard.) FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] FADE IN [EXT. ABERNATHY RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (The CORONERS zip up the body bag with SABRINA ABERNATHY inside and put the gurney in the back of the CORONERS' van. CATHERINE and JESSICA ABERNATHY stand off to the side watching.) Jessica Abernathy: She wasn't even burned. Catherine: Smoke inhalation happens really fast. I'm so sorry. I heard you say she wasn't supposed to be home tonight. Was she with her dad? Jessica Abernathy: My husband died five years ago in a car accident. She ... was at her friend Molly's house for a sleep-over. At least she was when I went to bed. Catherine: What time was that? Jessica Abernathy: I don't know, 11:00, 11:30. Catherine: Mrs. Abernathy, do you have any idea what may have caused the fire? Jessica Abernathy: I go to bed, I make sure the lights are off, lock the doors. Catherine: Do you know anyone who might want to set fire to your home? Jessica Abernathy: I go to work. I take care of my kids and my mother, and that's my life. [SCENE_BREAK] [FRONT YARD - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (NICK faces the crowd and takes photos of the curious onlookers.) Nick: Thanks a lot. (He snaps more photos, then puts the camera down.) Nick: Okay, folks, any information you feel like you may have... (MARTHA JAMES taps NICK on his shoulder.) Martha James: How am I going to get my fosamax? Nick: Oh, well, I'll make sure you have your medications by breakfast, okay? You're going to be all right. Everything's okay. (A FIREMAN appears and pulls MARTHA JAMES off to the side.) Nick: This man will take care of you, okay? [FIRETRUCK (PARKED) - FRONT SEAT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (SAM ABERNATHY points to something up above expecting the FIREMAN sitting next to him to explain it to him. WARRICK stands just outside the open passenger seat door and listens.) Sam Abernathy: What does that one do? Fireman: That one? That turns on the siren, so we can get to places really fast. Sam Abernathy: To help people burning inside? Fireman: That's right. Sam Abernathy: But not my sister. Fireman: Yeah. (He puts a hand on the little boy's shoulder.) I'm sorry, buddy. Sam Abernathy: It's okay. (SAM looks at the FIREMAN who looks past SAM at WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CASINO - BATHROOM -- NIGHT] (In the middle of the bathroom floor is a very large dead man wearing a red shirt with "735" in white on the front.) Brass: So the morning cleaning crew found him. No ID, but this was in his pocket. (BRASS explains what he knows to SARA and GRISSOM. He shows the paper to SARA.) Sara: Looks like some kind of code. (She looks at the wordlist.) Grissom: "735"? Brass: His goal weight? (BRASS shrugs. He gives up while he's ahead.) I'm going to talk to housekeeping. (He turns and leaves the rest room. SARA and GRISSOM step forward to get to work. GRISSOM puts his kit down on the floor next to the body.) (He opens his kit and removes a camera. He takes a photo of the head wound.) Grissom: That's a nasty head wound. Sara: It's always reassuring to see an empty soap dispenser in a public bathroom. (SARA hands the bagged note to GRISSOM. She leans in close over the bathroom counter and looks at the cracked mirror with blood running down the front.) Sara: So I'm thinking this is how the vic got his head smashed in. (Through the reflection in the mirror, we see GRISSOM stand up behind SARA to look at the mirror.) (Quick flashback to: [BATHROOM - EARLIER] ADAM BRENNER hits his forehead against the mirror. The mirror cracks and ADAM falls back to the floor. Someone standing behind him steps aside.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM holds out a swab. SARA takes it from him.) Sara: Thank you. (She takes a sample of the blood on the mirror.) (GRISSOM puts on his latex gloves while staring at the blood stain on the floor. He sees something on the blood.) Grissom: It's common to find something in blood. Uncommon to find something on blood. (SARA watches him as he picks up the black thing. He looks down at the body and checks the eyes.) Grissom: Petechial hemorrhaging. Asphyxia. Sara: Head bashed in and asphyxiated. No soap was the least of his problems. (GRISSOM glances up at SARA.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] Jack (arson Investigator): (V.O.) The smoke detectors' batteries are all dead. [INT. ABERNATHY RESIDENCE - SABRINA'S BEDROOM -- DAY] (JACK, the arson investigator, shows CATHERINE, WARRICK and NICK through the house.) Jack (arson Investigator): Sabrina's was the only bedroom that sustained any fire damage at all. Catherine: Her mother thought that she wasn't home. (WARRICK takes a photo.) Catherine: But she wasn't asleep. Jack (arson Investigator): Not in her bed. (CATHERINE walks over to the small space and finds SABRINA'S hide-away - books and other junk - evidence that a teenager had been there.) (Quick flashback to: SABRINA sits in the small space reading the book while music blares in the background.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: That would explain why the firemen didn't find her right away. (WARRICK takes a photo.) Jack (arson Investigator): But it doesn't explain what she was doing down there. Catherine: If you can explain the behavior of teenagers, more power to you. [KITCHEN] (JACK kicks at the burned linoleum on the floor.) Jack (arson Investigator): Adhesive they use to put this stuff down is highly flammable. Crack in the linoleum, the fire will just seek it out and go for it. (CATHERINE looks up at the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. WARRICK takes a photo of the things on the floor.) (CATHERINE looks at the burned stove. WARRICK tries the back door. He opens it and closes it.) Warrick: (to JACK) This door's unlocked. Jack (arson Investigator): The firemen said they only used one point of entry and exit: The front door. Catherine: Mrs. Abernathy said that she locked all the doors before bed. Warrick: Well, this could be how Sabrina got in. Comes home late, forgets to lock the door behind her. It's an opportunity waiting to happen. Jack (arson Investigator): Let's check out the living room. (He turns and leads them into the next room.) [LIVING ROOM] Jack (arson Investigator): A few cheap, wood panel walls. Polyester curtains, couple of fake plants. All highly flammable. (CATHERINE picks up an unburned bottle of alcohol.) Catherine: Plus ... a bar full of liquid fire with a low flash point. (She throws the bottle aside. JACK sees the broken table on the floor.) Jack (arson Investigator): Coffee table. (They both approach the remains of the sofa.) Catherine: Couch? Jack (arson Investigator): At some point, I think this was a couch. Catherine: This looks like a liquid pour pattern. High-intensity burn. You think this could be the point of origin? (Quick CGI flash to: The couch is on fire and burning. End of flash. Resume to present.) Jack (arson Investigator): I think this is the area of heaviest damage. The fire spread up and out towards the kitchen. (JACK takes out a tape measure. His voice fades into the background.) [DOOR] (WARRICK kneels in front of the back door and fingerprints the door knob.) [DRIVEWAY] (Meanwhile out in the car port, NICK looks around and finds a stack of newspapers only slightly burned. He moves the papers and looks at the concrete burns under it.) [LIVING ROOM] (CATHERINE works on the sofa when WARRICK approaches her. He puts his kit down.) Catherine: How'd you do? (NICK walks into the room carrying the stack of newspapers.) Warrick: Uh, couple of weak partials. What you got, partner? Nick: Newspapers. I found them in the carport. Catherine: That's on the other side of the house. Nick: Yeah, it's kind of weird. Completely out of the path of the fire and the firemen said they didn't put them there. Warrick: You know the fire down the street was in the garage. Nick: Well, maybe he started in the carport, Sabrina came home, provided access to the inside of the house. Catherine: Did they find an accelerant at the first scene? Warrick: Lighter fluid from the garage. Catherine: So maybe part of the M.O. is that he uses accelerants that are present. Nick: Let's hope he stuck around long enough to witness the damage. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB -- DAY] (NICK and WARRICK go through the video of the observers in the crowd.) Warrick: This is home video from the first fire. Nick: It looks like everybody's neighbor. Warrick: Well, they say arsonists often commit crimes where they feel most familiar. The last fire was set during the day in the garage when the family was out of town. Nick: A neighbor would know when people were out of town. Warrick: Or when the door was left unlocked. Nick: If this is a serial situation, to go from an empty garage to a whole house full of people, we're talking about a major escalation here. Warrick: Well, a match was found at the first fire. If we could find a match in the debris of the second fire, then we may know for sure. (On the monitor, a woman stands near the fire truck.) Nick: Oh, she looks familiar. Hang on. I may have something. (He goes to the next video.) Nick: She was at both fires. I got her name off the canvas. Warrick: Let's run her. Nick: Yeah. (NICK does a name check and finds something. She is: Name: VIVA CHARLES Address: 22 SUTTER STREET LAS VEGAS, NV s*x: FEMALE Criminal Records: ATTEMPTED ARSON MARCH 03, 2000 Nick: She has a record. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (NICK interviews VIVA CHARLES.) Nick: You were arrested for attempted arson? Viva Charles: I was exonerated. Nick: I have you on film at both fires on cell crook road. Viva Charles: I am not an arsonist. Nick: That's not what your file says. Viva Charles: The law doesn't make much of a distinction between arsonists and pyromaniacs. Nick: What is the distinction? Viva Charles: I don't set fires for money or with the intent to cause damage. Nick: But you do set fires? Viva Charles: Mmm. You go home at night, and you feel a little lonely, you put in a racy video. Nick: No, no, no. We're not talking about me. Viva Charles: I go home, I rip open my junk mail, and I put it in the fireplace. It's an impulse control disorder ... but it's private. I don't burn down houses and kill children. Nick: Maybe not on purpose, but accidents do happen. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- MORNING] [INT. CSI - LAB - MORNING] (GREG walks into the lab. NICK is already there with a pack on the table in front of him.) Greg: You rang? Nick: Yeah. Greg, how'd you like to be listed as an assist on an arson case? Greg: Is that a rhetorical question? Nick: Cool. I collected these matchbooks from the pyromaniac's house, who was ... kind of hot, actually. Greg: Really? You dig chicks who dig fire? (NICK smiles and doesn't answer the comment.) Nick: Yeah. This, uh ... this match was used to start a garage fire a couple of weeks ago. See if you can find a match to ... (NICK empties the pack onto the table. Dozens of matchbooks spill out.) ... one of those. Thanks, pal. (He pats GREG on the shoulder and leaves the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (The two CORONERS work on ADAM BRENNER.) Robbins: All right, David. The three most common ways to asphyxiate: Strangulation, suffocation and... David Phillips: Choking. Robbins: Good. David Phillips: With this guy, my money's on choking. (ROBBINS and DAVID PHILLIPS work on the body.) Robbins: Scissors. (DAVID PHILLIPS hands ROBBINS the scissors. He removes a portion of the body's trachea to check for blockage.) Robbins: Hold this please. Thank you, David. (He cuts the trachea open and finds a LOGOS piece: "S". ROBBINS looks at DAVID PHILLIPS.) Robbins: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (ROBBINS reports his findings to GRISSOM. GRISSOM holds up the LOGOS piece.) Grissom: An "S"? Robbins: Cause of death. (Quick flashback to: [BATHROOM] ADAM BRENNER chokes on the piece.) Robbins: (V.O.) I found it in the trachea. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: So, he swallows a tile and tries to give himself a Heimlich? (Quick flashback to: [BATHROOM] ADAM BRENNER is choking on the puzzle piece. He looks around for something to help jar it out of him. He slams himself against the counter. He tries again and hits his forehead against the mirror, cracking it. He falls to the floor.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Robbins: Or not. I found these in his stomach. (ROBBINS shows the other letters to GRISSOM.) Robbins: You don't swallow six of them by accident. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (GREG works on the assignment NICK gave him. He goes through each matchbook one by one, comparing the match found at the first arson scene with every matchbook.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY (NICK and WARRICK go through the things brought into the lab from the crime scene. GREG walks into the room.) Greg: Your hottie's matchbook collection came up dead. Nick: Hmm. Doesn't mean she didn't do it. Greg: True. Nick: You know, arson's usually a property crime. Did you ever find out the Abernathys' financial situation, Warrick? Warrick: According to Catherine, Jessica Abernathy had major credit card debt but minimal insurance-not even enough to cover what she had. Besides, people tend to remove mementos when they know what's coming. (WARRICK picks up the burned photo of JESSICA and her husband. The same photo that used to be on the bedside table.) Greg: So, if the pyro didn't do it for love, and Mrs. A didn't do it for money, who's left? (NICK looks at the headline from the stack of newspapers found in the car port.) Nick: Maybe the high school baseball team. (He reads the headline out loud.) Nick: McKinley High School Gazette. Nick: This is tomorrow's edition with the lead story by editor-in-chief Sabrina Abernathy, entitled "Varsity Hazing Ritual." Now listen to this ... "The question is not whether the so-called student athletes should be expelled, but whether or not they should be arrested." (The article continues: "This latest case of Varsity hazing is having serious repercussions not only with the school, but across the entire state. The students concerned may face serious charges including involvement with prostitution. "Every four years we get a new set of students that ready to 'one-up' the previous groups ... ") (The two paragraphs repeat.) Warrick: Why, what'd they do? Nick: Apparently, something with several hookers and a lot of testosterone. Greg: Whatever happened to toilet paper and trees? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (GRISSOM places two of the six tiles collected from the body on the table in front of him. An X and a V.) (SARA walks into the lab.) Sara: Hey. DNA came back. Blood from the bathroom floor's a match to the vic. Blood from the bathroom mirror is not. Grissom: That's interesting. Sara: Hmm. (She looks over at the pen, paper and tiles in front of him.) What are you doing? Grissom: Anagrams. Sara: You think the letters might be a message from the killer? (GRISSOM continues to write down possibles on his list: VEXINS VENIXS VEXISN NEIS ... ) Sara: (thinking out loud) Six letters. What is that? That's 720 possible combinations, not all of them words, of course. (She moves the tiles.) Sara: Hmm. You, uh, missed one. (V-I-X-E-N) (GRISSOM glances at SARA who smiles back at him. BRASS walks into the room.) Brass: Hey. We got an ID. Off your DB's prints. His name is Adam Brenner. Sara: That guy has a record? Brass: Well, sort of. He's a civil servant. He's a postal worker from Orlando. Grissom: Do we know why he came to Vegas? Brass: (smiles) Oh, you're going to love this. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - MAIN COMPETITION ROOM -- DAY] (Rows of tables are set up where dozens of pairs play LOGOS at the 2004 WESTERN REGIONAL LOGOS TOURNAMENT.) (BRASS, GRISSOM and SARA interview one of the TOURNAMENT ORGANIZERS.) Organizer: Adam Brenner was one of our top division one players. Ranked in the high 1,800s. Grissom: Is that like the elo system in chess? Organizer: Logos has all the skill of chess combined with the cruel whimsy of fate. Adam once set a tournament record by scoring 735 points in a single game. Sara: It was on his t-shirt. Organizer: Justifiably. It's an incredible achievement. Brass: So, how did the other players feel about that kind of smack-down? Organizer: You actually suggesting that somebody here killed Adam? (GRISSOM looks at the tournament in play in the room behind them.) Brass: Cruel whimsy of fate. Guy's from out of town, takes a cab from ..., checks into the hotel. The only thing on his hotel bill is four meals a day. No phone calls. So everybody he talked to is in this room. We're going to need a list of his opponents. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MCKINLEY HIGH SCHOOL BASEBALL FIELD -- DAY] (NICK interviews the Baseball team coach, RICK CHILSON, while his son, CODY CHILSON, is out on the field practicing his hitting. An OFFICER stands behind the two men.) Rick Chilson: What's with the cop? Nick: We're just talking. Rick Chilson: Ah, about what? Nick: (loudly) Sabrina Abernathy died in her home in a fire on Saturday night. (CODY CHILSON hears the comment and misses the ball.) Rick Chilson: Hey! What'd I tell you -- you don't waste a good pitch! Nick: Cody, where were you around 1:00 A.M. on Saturday? Cody Chilson: In bed. Rick Chilson: Cody's in bed every night at 10:00. He gets up at 5:00 to go running. Nick: Except for the nights he's with the team pulling a train on a hooker. (CODY lets another ball pass by as he stares at NICK.) Rick Chilson: Cody, keep hitting. (RICK CHILSON turns back to NICK.) Rick Chilson: This is Vegas. Who hasn't been with a hooker? Nick: Well, most high school seniors who are being scouted by division one schools. I don't think an expulsion and an arrest would look too good on a scholarship application. Rick Chilson: It's a tradition. Happens every year with every team, and why that little bitch had to scapegoat Cody, I'll never know. Nick: How 'bout you, Cody? Do you know? (CODY misses the hit and shakes his head at NICK.) Rick Chilson: Look, I'm sorry the girl's dead. Nick: Yeah, but you're not real sorry the whole mess died with her, are you? Rick Chilson: Yeah, but burning the kid's house down? Come on. Give my son a little credit. Nick: Thanks for your help. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - TOURNAMENT ROOM-- DAY] (GRISSOM walks around the room.) Wilson Janek: (o.s.) Hey, hey, hey, no flash drawing. (At one of the gaming tables, WILSON JANEK calls for a word check.) Wilson Janek: Challenge. Challenge over here. (The WOMAN walks over to the table and checks the word, "GABBONS".) Woman: Illegal word-- that's a minute penalty. Wilson Janek: Time's up. Game over, baby. (scoffing) Gabbons? Challenger: Whatever. (He stands up and leaves.) Wilson Janek: Like I'm really not going to challenge that. (GRISSOM walks over to the man at the table.) Grissom: Wilson Janek? Wilson Janek: Yeah. Want to try your luck? Step up, baby. (GRISSOM sits down.) Wilson Janek: And you are? Grissom: Gil Grissom. Nice to meet you. Wilson Janek: Nice to meet you, Gil Grissom. Grissom: So ... (GRISSOM places his word on the table: ABULIA.) Grissom: What do you hear about Adam Brenner? (He stops his clock.) Wilson Janek: Mr. 735? Heard he's dead. Grissom: Well, he was alive last night when he beat you. Wilson Janek: (laughs) Gil ... you think that trash talk's going to break my focus? (He puts his word down, BAHT, and stops his clock.) Wilson Janek: You must be new. Grissom: Actually ... I'm from the Las Vegas crime lab. I'm just here to collect your DNA. (Using the H in BAHT, GRISSOM builds HADRON. He stops his clock.) Wilson Janek: You're a quick study. But if you think I killed Adam, why don't you go ask Uncle Sam for my DNA? I served my country. Gulf war senior. Memorized word lists for a sanity check. Some guys did ping pong; I did this. I saw enough killing over there. I'm a "make words, not war" kind of guy now. [ANOTHER PART OF THE TOURNAMENT] (SARA takes a swab from CRAIG who is wearing a t-shirt with black lettering: ECSTACY IS A SEVEN LETTER WORD.) Sara: Word on the floor is Adam Brenner really had your number, Craig. Craig: The universe ebbs and flows. Sara: More ebb than flow in your case. I guess you lost to Adam your last three tournaments in a row? Craig's Challenger: 14 points ... times two is 28 plus 10 bonus points for full logos. 38 points. (CRAIG smiles.) Sara: At least you're a good sport. Craig: (smiles) Loss for one is a win for another. [YET ANOTHER PART OF THE TOURNAMENT] (BRASS interviews another LOGOS PLAYER.) Logos Player: So what if I was the last person to play Adam? Brass: You were the last player who saw him alive. Logos Player: What are you thinking, that with Adam out of the tournament, I could abscond with the big cash prize? (BRASS chuckles.) Brass: You tell me. Logos Player: Oh, first prize here is $2,000. (BRASS notices that the LOGOS PLAYER has his right hand tucked into his pant's pocket.) Logos Player: Even if I win, the remuneration barely covers my airfare, accommodation and food. No, no, I don't play for the money. Brass: You play for the glory. Logos Player: You ever attempt a New York Times crossword, Captain? Nah, you probably wouldn't make it past Tuesday. I do Sunday ... in pen. (BRASS puts several pieces on the holder.) Brass: I can still spell this. (He turns it around to show the LOGOS PLAYER the letters: DNA.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (DAVID HODGES fills CATHERINE in on the results of his analysis.) David Hodges: GC/mass spec found no trace of accelerant on the couch residue. Catherine: Well, how can that be? It was an obvious liquid pour pattern. David Hodges: Well, my dear, this is why you should never pick up the couch left for curbside pickup. (He shows CATHERINE the test results.) David Hodges: Polyurethane foam. Outlawed in 1988 due to its highly incendiary nature. You light that crap on fire, it heats up, creates a burning pool of liquid, and acts as its own accelerant. (Quick flash to: The Couch is on fire. Inside the couch, the foam melts and fuels the fire. End of flash. Resume to present.) David Hodges: Disaster waiting to happen. Catherine: All it needed was a spark. (HODGES nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (CATHERINE, NICK and WARRICK go through buckets of the things removed from the house.) Catherine: We've got no accelerant. We've got no match. We have no idea what started this fire. (NICK finds a cigarette butt embedded in the mess. He picks it up and smells it.) Nick: Maybe this will help. It kind of smells like a menthol. (He hands it to WARRICK. CATHERINE picks it up.) Catherine: Hmm, looks like a one hundred. Longer the cigarette, longer the filter. Nick: Cigarettes are a terrible way to commit arson. Unreliable. They take too long. Possible DNA trace, but ... it just doesn't make any sense. Warrick: It makes sense if the fire was unintentional. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- DAY] (Outside in the hallway, an OFFICER offers SAM ABERNATHY a canned drink. SAM shakes his head, no.) (Inside the waiting room, JESSICA and her mother are interviewed by CATHERINE and WARRICK. JESSICA motions to SAM out in the hallway.) Jessica Abernathy: I'm sorry about this. Typically, I leave with Sab ... with Sabrina, but ... Catherine: It's fine. Martha James: Well, why are we here, exactly? Warrick: Well, we think we might have figured out what caused the fire. Ms. Abernathy, does anyone in your house smoke? Jessica Abernathy: I don't. Martha James: Well, don't look at me. I quit twenty years ago. Warrick: Sabrina maybe? Jessica Abernathy: I don't think so. Catherine: Well, we found a cigarette filter in the remains of your couch. And we need a urine sample from each of you so that we can rule you out for nicotine. Jessica Abernathy: My house burned down, and my daughter is dead. And you're asking me to pee into a cup? (CATHERINE looks away uncomfortable.) Jessica Abernathy: Sure. Why not? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (GREG tests the urine samples. Apparently four samples in four containers. The first sample is from ABERNATHY, then from JESSICA, SAM and MARTHA JAMES. He finishes filling the tubes with the sample and takes all four and shakes them before putting them into the centrifuge.) (He continues to process the samples.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (GREG hands CATHERINE the test results as they walk down the hallway.) Greg: Everyone except for the little guy was getting high and getting by. The girl's on uppers, mom's on downers, and grandma sucks on the cancer stick. Catherine: Ritalin, valium, and grandma's a liar. Greg: Pants on fire. (GREG leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (SCOPE VIEW of the black substance GRISSOM lifted from the blood on the bathroom floor.) (DAVID HODGES fills GRISSOM in on the test analysis.) David Hodges: That's the black trace you found in the blood pool. It's a mix of PVC resin and liquid plasticizer. When heated together, they form a solid elastomer film called plastisol. Grissom: What's it used for? David Hodges: Mostly Greg Sanders wear. Uh, names, hair band logos, inane sayings, anything that can be put on a t-shirt. Grissom: Well, that narrows it down to just about everybody in the tournament. (SARA appears in the doorway carrying slip of paper.) Sara: Hey, we got a match on the blood from the bathroom mirror. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (SARA and BRASS interview the LOGOS PLAYER.) Logos Player: Look, just 'cause I was there doesn't mean I killed Adam Brenner. Brass: Put your hands on the table. (The LOGOS PLAYER puts his hands on the table to show the bruises on his knuckles.) Sara: You know, that's seven years bad luck. Brass: More like seven to ten. Logos Player: Yeah, I'm not very proud of that. Brass: Of what? Logos Player: I'm ebullient, you know. I-I feel the wins and the losses. The other night, I lost to a division two blue-hair. But it's not my fault. She was... she was coffee-housing the whole time. Sara: I'm sorry? Coffee-housing? Logos Player: You know, yap, yap, p-p-yapping. (Quick flashback to: [TOURNAMENT] The WOMAN playing against the LOGOS PLAYER is constantly talking.) Blue-hair Woman: So when I was at the Southern Regionals in Dallas last year, I went to the book depository. Have you ever been there? Logos Player: Zip it, lady. I'm trying to make a play here. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Logos Player: I never should have lost that one. (Quick flashback to: [BATHROOM] The LOGOS PLAYER talks to himself in the mirror.) Logos Player: What, are you an idiot? What, are you stupid? You're so stupid! (He throws a punch at the mirror, smashing it.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: What about Adam Brenner? Logos Player: No, he wasn't there. Sara: But you lost to him, too. Brass: Maybe you took that loss even harder. Logos Player: Adam? No way. He's ranked, what, 1,890? It's like getting art lessons from Picasso. I was honored to even be sitting at the same table with him. (Surprised by this remark, SARA and BRASS look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB -- DAY] (NICK works on putting a composite of the living room together, rebuilding the set-up from the photos of the burned room.) (He puts the couch down into the room. He sets the Ignition Point and Starts the Simulation by putting the couch on fire. He monitors the room temperature.) (He shakes his head. The heat in the kitchen is at 650+ degrees while the Living Room is at 841+ degrees.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM #605 -- DAY] (WARRICK interviews MARTHA JAMES.) Warrick: Ma'am, earlier you provided us with a urine sample. We found traces of nicotine in yours. Martha James: That's odd because I don't smoke. Warrick: Really? Would you mind opening your purse for me? (She opens her purse and finds the open pack of cigarettes inside. She looks at WARRICK.) Martha James: You know what? I do too smoke cigarettes. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (CATHERINE interviews JESSICA ABERNATHY.) Catherine: Mrs. Abernathy, did your daughter have attention deficit disorder? Jessica Abernathy: Sabrina? No. That girl had the focus like you can't believe. Catherine: Well, we found Ritalin in her system, and as I'm sure you're aware, ritalin is used to treat kids with ADD, but acts as a stimulant in older kids and adults. Teens use it as an upper. Jessica Abernathy: So, Sabrina was taking drugs? Catherine: As were you. Valium. Jessica Abernathy: Fair enough. You know, Sabrina used to scream at me, "I can't wait till I'm old enough to move out of here." And I would scream back, "yeah, me either." What kind of mother says that to her kid? Catherine: One with a teenage daughter. Jessica Abernathy: You know what I pictured for this part of my life? S ... Saturday night, leave the kids with grandma, date night with my husband. Instead, I'm stuck home alone with two kids and a 70-year-old infant. Catherine: Mrs. Abernathy ... are you covering for your mother? Jessica Abernathy: Part of me wants to say yes, please just take her away. Let her be the state's problem. You know, she leaves the stove on, and she leaves the water running. I come home, and I find little burn marks in things. But I was with her the whole night. I never saw her smoke. Catherine: Maybe after you went to bed, she came out into the living room. (Quick flash to: MARTHA JAMES sleeping on the couch with a lit cigarette in her fingers. The cigarette burns down to the filter, she drops the cigarette into the couch and forgets about it. She gets up.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Jessica Abernathy: I doubt it. Catherine: But it's a possibility? Jessica Abernathy: No. It isn't. Miss Willows, you can go ahead and judge me, but after my mother falls asleep at night, I lock her in her room. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (NICK is in the lab opening an evidence bag. CATHERINE walks into the room.) Catherine: Any luck? Nick: Yeah, the bad kind. My burn scenarios don't match up with your data. Catherine: Did you try different variables? Nick: Ahah. Open windows, uh, drafts from vents, all of it. Here's the problem. (NICK holds out the melted refrigerator magnet. He puts it on a metal sheet along with other melted magnets. He puts a heavy magnet on the sheet and tilts it. The melted magnets fall off onto the counter.) Nick: Demagnetized. Catherine: I'm not following. Nick: Okay, the Curie point is the temperature at which all materials lose their magnetic properties, yeah? Catherine: Mm-hmm. Nick: Okay. For the iron in these, the temperature would had to have been 932 degrees in that kitchen. (Quick flash to: [KITCHEN] The kitchen is on fire and the refrigerator magnets fall off the door. End of flash. Resume to present.) Nick: With the fire starting in the living room, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it that hot in there. It just doesn't make sense. Catherine: Unless the fire didn't start on the living room couch. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. ABERNATHY RESIDENCE -- DAY] (NICK removes the ceiling light cover to show the single light melted light bulb inside.) Catherine: An incandescent light bulb will soften at around 900 degrees, and distend in the direction of the original heat source. (They turn and look back at the kitchen. They look back at the light bulb.) Catherine: How did we miss that? Nick: (shrugs) Living room was crammed with combustible materials. It received the most damage. It seems like the point of origin. Catherine: Let's dig in. (CATHERINE puts the flashlight down and hands NICK a shovel.) Nick: Yeah. (She takes her own shovel and they both get to work on digging through the rubble on the floor.) (As they clear through the dirt, ash, soot and broken glass, they find a word burned into the kitchen floor: BITCH.) (NICK and CATHERINE look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB] (The entire portion of the linoleum kitchen floor with the word, BITCH, on it is in the trace lab. DAVID HODGES removes a black burned substance from the word and tests it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM] (WARRICK and NICK are in the break room working on paperwork.) Catherine: (o.s.) Do you fondue? (CATHERINE hands the trace test results test to WARRICK.) Catherine: The accelerant was ethanol, methanol and petroleum jelly. Chafing dish fuel, like sterno. (Quick flash to: [KITCHEN] Someone paints the letters on the floor. The word is on fire. The entire kitchen burns. End of flash. Resume to present.) (CATHERINE opens the fridge and looks inside.) Catherine: So it has gone from intentional to accidental to personal. Who have we got? (She takes out a water and heads back to take a seat at the table.) (WARRICK whips out the photo of VIVA CHARLES.) Warrick: Nick's girlfriend. (NICK laughs.) Catherine: She's got no personal connection to the family. Nick: Well, Rick Chilson did call Sabrina a bitch when we were talking. Catherine: Charming. Nick: Yeah, he's an ass, but his alibi checks out. Surveillance at the Mirage has him playing poker the night of the fire. Catherine: What about Cody? Nick: He was right there with him. But I don't think that kid takes a breath without daddy's nod of approval. Catherine: What about suspects within the house? Warrick: Well, who's there? Grandma? I mean aside from being on lockdown, she's arthritic. I don't see her writing on the floor. What about Jessica? Catherine: She seems more frustrated than desperate. Frustration shows you still care. Nick: And the son, Sam? Catherine: I don't think so. "Bitch." It's such a teenage girl word. Warrick: That brings us back to Sabrina. Nick: Well, she did think the baseball team had it in for her. Her family life was no picnic. Warrick: What are you saying, she's on a kamikaze mission? Trying to take the whole family down with her? Catherine: I might be willing to buy that, but how do we prove it? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA has a box of the LOGOS game out on the table. She uses ADAM BRENNER'S notes to reconstruct the game. On the table next to her is a list of the 2004 PLAYER MATCHING.) 14-APR-04 ALAN DERSHON VS. RAY ADAMS REGGIE LENSEN VS. LOUIE RAYCOMB GEORGE HANSEN VS. RICK WESTEL ROBERT TRIGGS VS. PAUL BYERS HENRY CROSSER VS. BOB GOOD KURT HESTEGARD VS. LANCE BOTHEL LESTER RINEHART VS. RON HENRY VAN HOSKINS VS. BILL JONES PETER HINES VS. JOSEPH HICKS DOUG HESTE VS. BURT KLEIN ADAM BURROWS VS. WILSON JANEK WILLIAM LEWIS VS. ADAM WESTEL TOM CESTER VS. DANNY RIGGS DARREL WALTERS VS. PACO WESCOTT LES MOONVES VS. CHRIS CARDAMO- SCOTT WENDOVER VS. PETER BOSCO AVERY PIERCE VS. JOE DICAPRIO TED BUNDY VS. FRANK LEWIS DAN O'MALLY VS. LOUIS - etc. (SARA reconstructs the game. She studies ADAM BRENNER'S word list notes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (SARA shares her findings with GRISSOM. On the overhead projector, she has ADAM BRENNER'S word list up on the wall.) Sara: Adam Brenner was a meticulous note-taker. He documented every turn of every game he ever played. Grissom: How many words used the letters we found in Adam's body? Sara: None, actually, at least none with that exact combination. But here's the weird part. One the games didn't add up. (SARA puts the word list and a photo of CRAIG up on the overhead.) Sara: When Adam played Craig, he had 60 points written down that I couldn't account for. And on that same page of his notebook, I noticed that something had been erased. (She points to the word: RESIFT (3).) Sara: So I ran it through ESDA. Adam played "exvin." Everything but the "S," 60 points. Grissom: What's an "exvin"? Sara: You know, I was kind of hoping you'd know. It's not in the OED. Grissom: Well, according to the rules, if you play a bluff and your opponent challenges, you have to take the tiles back, you lose a turn and a minute off your game clock. No points. Sara: Right, and later in that same game, Craig played an "X." Loxodrome. Now there's only one "X" per game. How did he get it? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CRAIG'S HOTEL ROOM] (SARA goes through CRAIG'S LOGOS set.) Craig: What are you looking for? Sara: A six-letter word. (GRISSOM goes through CRAIG'S things and finds a gun. He picks it up and holds it up.) Grissom: P-I-S-T-O-L? It's not the word we were looking for, but it's interesting. (Near the tip of the gun, GRISSOM sees some dried blood.) Grissom: It's got blood on it. Craig: It's a replica. I belong to a communist club. We collect replicas from the fall of the soviet union. And I found that tokarev downtown at a pawn shop. Grissom: Hmm. A fake gun for a fake word? (Quick flashback to: [TOURNAMENT] ADAM BRENNER plays a word: EXVIN. He stops the clock.) Craig: Exvin? Adam Brenner: A wine afficionado who no longer drinks. Exvin. (CRAIG adds an S to the word. He smiles.) Craig: Exvin-S. (ADAM BRENNER immediately raises his hand.) Adam Brenner: Challenge! (Realizing that he's been set-up, CRAIG glares at ADAM.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: There are six letters missing from your game box. E-X-V I-N-S. You made Adam eat his word. (Quick flashback to: [BATHROOM] ADAM flushes the toilet and turns around. CRAIG walks up to him and hits him in the mouth.) Craig: Yeah, huh? You think you're so clever? I'll let you have some Exvins for dinner. (He shoves the gun into his stomach and forces the letter pieces down his throat.) Craig: Here. Huh! (He continues to shove the letters down his throat. Then ADAM chokes.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Craig: I just wanted to make it as hard for him to swallow as it was for me. Karmic retribution. Sara: Did you do anything to help him after he started choking? Craig: No. I thought it was another fake-out. Grissom: How about after he fell down on the floor and stopped breathing? (CRAIG says nothing.) Out of words? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ABERNATHY RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- DAY] (CATHERINE and WARRICK are back at the house. They each have an ALS and are looking through the house.) Catherine: This is old school hydrocarbon detection. Warrick: Oh, yeah. Catherine: Chafing dish fuel is alcohol-based, but water would have washed away any trace. Warrick: Let's just hope that whomever wrote it touched something else. Catherine: Well, it's the only shot we've got, I guess. (They find something on the bedroom door knob.) Catherine: Hmm. Take a look at this. Warrick: Well, that's good shooting. (CATHERINE opens the bedroom door and walks into SAM'S room.) (They use the ALS inside the bedroom and find something in the trash.) Catherine: Oh. (She looks at WARRICK.) Hit the jackpot. Warrick: I've got some smudges over here, too. (He shines the light on the bed. Hidden under the mattress, they find dozens of matchbooks and a plastic lizard.) Catherine: Mom was locking the wrong door. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (JESSICA talks with her son.) Jessica Abernathy: They're going to ask you some questions about the fire at our house. And you'd better start talking, mister. (CATHERINE opens the door and calls JESSICA out of the room.) Catherine: Mrs. Abernathy, would you come with me, please? (JESSICA ABERNATHY stands up and leaves SAM. The door closes behind her.) (The door opens and WARRICK enters the room carrying a file folder and a mug. He sits at the table opposite SAM.) Warrick: Hey, Sam. (WARRICK puts the mug down on the table in front of SAM. He opens the file folder.) Warrick: You okay? (SAM stares at WARRICK.) (WARRICK reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out a box of matches.) Warrick: So tell me, what kind of things you like to do on the weekends? (WARRICK empties the box of matches onto the table in front of SAM.) Sam Abernathy: Watch tv, hang out, play. (WARRICK lights a match and holds it up in front of SAM.) Warrick: Like to play with matches? Sam Abernathy: Sometimes. Warrick: Why is that? Sam Abernathy: Fire is cool. Warrick: Yeah. (WARRICK throws the match into the mug of water, extinguishing it.) (SAM looks expectantly at WARRICK. WARRICK nods. SAM picks up the box of matches. He picks up a match and lights it. He puts it out in the mug of water.) Warrick: You ever have trouble sleeping at night? Sam Abernathy: Only when I got woken up. (SAM picks up and lights another match.) Warrick: Is that what happened Saturday? (SAM nods.) (Quick flashback to: [BEDROOM] SABRINA knocks on the back door. SAM looks outside.) Sabrina Abernathy: I lost my key. Let me in. (SAM opens the back door for SABRINA.) Sabrina Abernathy: Thanks, dude. (She walks into the room. SAM shuts the door behind her.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (SAM strikes another match and puts it out in the mug.) Warrick: Couldn't go back to bed? Sam Abernathy: I got a little bit hungry. (Quick flashback: [KITCHEN] SAM looks through the cupboards and takes out a box of something. In the back of the same shelf is the CHAFING DISH FUEL in a small container.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: What'd you find? Sam Abernathy: Purple jelly. Warrick: Purple jelly? (SAM strikes another match and puts it out in the mug.) Warrick: Did you eat it? Sam Abernathy: No. Mom uses it for the chocolate pot on our birthdays. Warrick: That sounds like fun. Sam Abernathy: Yeah ... except stupid grandma isn't allowed to have chocolate, so we couldn't do it this year. Warrick: Oh ... that must've made you mad. Sam Abernathy: Ever since grandma moved in, we can't do anything fun. Warrick: So, what happened next? Sam Abernathy: I played for a while. (Quick flashback to: [KITCHEN] SAM takes a handful of the fuel and writes on the kitchen floor: BITCH.) (He lights a match and sets the word on fire. SAM gets up and leaves.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Then what? Sam Abernathy: I went to bed ... (SAM perks up) ... and then the firemen came and rescued us. Warrick: You like when the firemen come? Sam Abernathy: (excited) Yeah. They're so nice. They talked to me and showed me all their cool stuff. This one named George -- he said maybe someday I can meet his dog. Warrick: You know, Sam ... that word that you wrote on the floor ... [OBSERVATION ROOM] (JESSICA listens and cries.) Warrick: you know, that's a really bad word. Sam Abernathy: I hear it all the time. My grandma says it. (In the interview room, SAM strikes a match and puts it out in the mug.) Sam Abernathy: My mom says it. (SAM strikes another match and puts it out in the mug.) Sam Abernathy: And my sister says it. (He strikes another match.) Sam Abernathy: Well... she used to say it. (He blows the match out and watches the smoke rise up from the burned match. He drops it into the mug.)
doc_2
ARC OF INFINITY BY: JOHNNY BYRNE Part Two First Air Date: 5 January 1983 Running time: 24:42 [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: Take them away. [SCENE_BREAK] ZORAC: Each and every time the Doctor returns to Gallifrey there's violence. HEDIN: Perhaps it is we who should modify our approach. ZORAC: He resisted the guard! HEDIN: We send armed guards when a friendly face and a welcoming hand would have sufficed. Are you surprised that he resisted? [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: He's hurt. He must have proper medical attention. MAXIL: He'll recover. MAXIL: The compound is guarded. If you try to leave again, my men will shoot to kill. See that the Doctor knows. [SCENE_BREAK] THALIA: Well, where is he? CASTELLAN: The Doctor tried to evade security. Some force had to be used. He'll be brought here as soon as he's recovered. THALIA: The situation is critical, Castellan. CASTELLAN: Of that fact I am more than aware. If I may pass? I must give my report to the Lord President. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Not the most welcoming return. NYSSA: They've taken the main space-time element. DOCTOR: That's the only way to keep me and the TARDIS here. NYSSA: What do we do now? DOCTOR: We need a link. Something to prove the connection between this creature and Gallifrey. NYSSA: And how are we going to find that? [SCENE_BREAK] CASTELLAN: Maxil. The Doctor is secure? MAXIL: Yes. CASTELLAN: The High Council wish to see him the moment he's recovered. And Maxil? See that he's there, or you answer to me. [SCENE_BREAK] TANNOY: KLM announces the arrival of the delayed flight from London. STUART: Excuse me. Tegan Jovanka? TEGAN: Yes. STUART: Robin Stuart. TEGAN: Oh. STUART: I'm a friend of Colin's. TEGAN: Hello. Colin told me you were travelling round together. Is he here? STUART: I'm afraid not. TEGAN: Oh. He is all right? STUART: Look, let's go into town and I'll tell you all about it, okay? [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: You're to come with us, Doctor. DOCTOR: There's no need for all the fire power. MAXIL: They have orders to kill at the slightest sign of resistance. DOCTOR: The Council Chamber, I suppose. MAXIL: Yes. DOCTOR: My companion is not involved in this. MAXIL: Move. My orders are to take you both. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Two coffees, please. TEGAN: When did you last see Colin? STUART: Well, it's difficult. TEGAN: What do you mean, difficult? STUART: It's hard to explain. He's disappeared. TEGAN: Disappeared? Couldn't he have just wandered off? STUART: You're not going to believe this. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Councillors. HEDIN: Doctor. A pleasure to see you again. DOCTOR: And you, Hedin. Nyssa, my old friend, Councillor Hedin. Councillors, my companion, Nyssa of Traken. THALIA: You are welcome to Gallifrey, Nyssa. NYSSA: Thank you. ZORAC: Well, Doctor, an unpleasant business, this. I'm sure you understand why the Lord President was forced to recall you. DOCTOR: Given the chance, I would have returned willingly. CASTELLAN: You've never proved as cooperative in the past. THALIA: If you remember, you were asked to return Romana, and you failed to do so. DOCTOR: Romana chose to stay in E-space. HEDIN: That's all past history. DOCTOR: Yes. Well, now that I'm here, Thalia, have you given any thought to what's happened? THALIA: There hasn't been much time, Doctor. DOCTOR: Has anyone checked to see if my biodata extracts have been removed from the Matrix, Castellan? CASTELLAN: What are you suggesting, Doctor? DOCTOR: I would have thought that was obvious. None of this could have happened unless the creature had that information. CASTELLAN: I should have thought the most important ZORAC: Councillors. The Lord President. BORUSA: You too have regenerated. DOCTOR: Indeed, President Borusa. BORUSA: And Nyssa of Traken, isn't it? Sorry to have kept you waiting. Please be seated, Councillors. BORUSA: This session of the High Council of Time Lords is now in progress. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: It's the sort of thing the Doctor gets up to. STUART: Doctor? TEGAN: A friend of mine. Have you reported this to the police? STUART: Of course, but do you think I could tell them the same story? TEGAN: Colin has disappeared. STUART: He's a foreign national, a hitchhiker. Unless there's proof of violence, they're not interested. It's the same in any country. TEGAN: We'll see about that. STUART: I can't get involved. What I've said is the truth, but I've lost my passport. I can't risk making a fuss. TEGAN: Marvellous, isn't it. First I lose my job. Not to worry, I think. I'll go and see my favourite cousin, cheer myself up. Now this. STUART: I'm sorry. What do you want to do? TEGAN: Tell me your story again, every detail. Then we'll go to the police. It's all right. I'll handle it alone. [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: The space-time parameters of the Matrix have been invaded by a creature from the anti-matter world. We know its composition and how unstable is the magnetism that shields it. The creature must be expelled immediately if we are to avert disaster. DOCTOR: Without knowing its purpose here. BORUSA: Its presence here must be our first concern. Anti-matter cannot co-exist in harmony in our universe. DOCTOR: Lord President, this creature is here now because it bonded with me. To do so it needed something very special, full and precise details of my biological makeup. Now, I didn't pass this information on. Somebody did. The question is who. CASTELLAN: We considered this, Doctor, but the implications are quite preposterous. DOCTOR: Chancellor, can bonding occur without the full imprint of a so-called bioscan? THALIA: Not to my knowledge. But the power of this creature is outside the limits of what we know, Doctor. DOCTOR: Lord President, I ask for time to have this fully investigated. BORUSA: I'm sorry, Doctor, but we must deal with the situation as it exists now. The time factor involved leaves only one course of action open to us. Commander! BORUSA: You know that capital punishment has long been abolished here in Gallifrey, but there is a precedent for a situation like this. Have you nothing further to say, Doctor? DOCTOR: I have a great deal to say. NYSSA: You can't do this! You must destroy the creature. BORUSA: Child, do you think we have not considered this? The creature is shielded. We have no way of tracing it. NYSSA: So you're prepared to kill the Doctor? BORUSA: Commander! Remove the Doctor to the security compound. As soon as the warrant is issued, you will convey him to a place of termination. I'm sorry, Doctor. NYSSA: No! You can't! DOCTOR: Executing me will not alter the fact there's a traitor at work on Gallifrey! [SCENE_BREAK] STUART: What did they say? TEGAN: Foreigners get themselves lost all the time. They'll make routine enquiries. Which means, as you said, they'll do nothing. STUART: Did you tell them about the crypt? TEGAN: Only that Colin was last seen there. STUART: So what now? We can't just abandon Colin. TEGAN: You are telling me the truth? STUART: Yes, I am. TEGAN: Let's see if we can find Colin ourselves. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Time Lords, I beg of you, think what you're doing. The creature knew the TARDIS' location, time zone coordinates, bioscan. That information could only have come from here, from Gallifrey. CASTELLAN: Only the High Council of Time Lords can extract such data from the Matrix. You too accuse us of treason. NYSSA: Can you deny the possibility? At least give the Doctor time. BORUSA: There is no time, nor can proof of what you say change things. We must prevent the full bonding. NYSSA: But the Doctor is innocent. THALIA: What would you have us do? Spare the Doctor and condemn untold billions to destruction? That is the choice we face here. [SCENE_BREAK] DAMON: Doctor. DOCTOR: Damon! MAXIL: I must speak to the Doctor. DOCTOR: He is a friend of mine. MAXIL: I have my orders. DOCTOR: You don't have to relish them so much. [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: We have listened to what you say, but the decision must stand. HEDIN: Lord President, in view of what she says, couldn't we at least delay carrying out the judgement? THALIA: We can't risk it, Hedin. ZORAC: We're sorry, child, but truly there's no other choice. NYSSA: So much for your justice. CASTELLAN: All that remains is the warrant of termination. The precise wording should be in the Matrix. HEDIN: What would we do without your diligence. BORUSA: This session of the High Council is now adjourned. [SCENE_BREAK] DAMON: Nyssa of Traken, I am Damon, a friend of the Doctor's. We must talk, but not here. [SCENE_BREAK] HEDIN: Castellan. HEDIN: I'm worried by what both the Doctor and his companion have said. CASTELLAN: The possible connection between this creature and Gallifrey? HEDIN: Yes. And the fact that a Time Lord could be a traitor. You do intend to pursue it? CASTELLAN: They were both overwrought. HEDIN: But if it were true CASTELLAN: I'm sure I'd know if such a serious breach of security had occurred. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: You're sure it was the Doctor's biodata extract? DAMON: Yes, I managed to pass it to him on his way to the compound. NYSSA: We must tell the High Council immediately. DAMON: But who to trust? Only members of the High Council have access to biodata information. NYSSA: We must find a way to speak to the Doctor. DAMON: That could be difficult. He's closely confined. [SCENE_BREAK] TIME LORD: The Doctor is to be terminated. OMEGA: Good. You are prepared? TIME LORD: Yes. The Matrix is already programmed. [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: You wanted to see me? DOCTOR: Your guards will not allow me to leave the console room. MAXIL: They have their orders. DOCTOR: If I'm to die, I want to prepare myself mentally. For that I need to be alone. MAXIL: Which is the nearest room? DOCTOR: My companion's. It has already been searched. MAXIL: Then you may withdraw. But be sensible, Doctor. If you try to lose yourself in the corridors of the TARDIS, my men will hunt you down, and your death will be far from dignified and painless. [SCENE_BREAK] HEDIN: Nyssa, Damon. NYSSA: We had to see you, Councillor. HEDIN: I'm deeply sorry for what has happened. NYSSA: Councillor Hedin, we need your help. HEDIN: Anything I can do. NYSSA: We must see the Doctor. Can you arrange it? HEDIN: Difficult. The Castellan is very possessive about his charges. DAMON: The Doctor isn't a criminal. HEDIN: True, but what has happened makes him very dangerous. NYSSA: Please, try. HEDIN: I said difficult, Nyssa, but not impossible. Especially with one so sensitive to public opinion as the Castellan is. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: My bioscan. [SCENE_BREAK] STUART: I just don't think it's wise, that's all. TEGAN: I'm not scared to go into that crypt, if that's what you mean. STUART: Look, I feel bad enough about Colin. What if something happens to you? TEGAN: Don't worry on my account. How much further is it? STUART: Just over the next bridge. [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: Wait here. DAMON: I feel there is something wrong. NYSSA: What? DAMON: The Castellan agreed too quickly to our visiting the Doctor. Even if he knows he can't refuse, he always attempts to make it appear he's granting you permission. I mean, that's the Castellan's way. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: So soon? What about my appeal? [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: You have visitors, Doctor. NYSSA: Doctor. DOCTOR: How did you get in here? NYSSA: Councillor Hedin arranged it with the Castellan. DOCTOR: Well, that's very generous of the Castellan. Come, we'll walk while we speak. MAXIL: You're to talk here, where I can see you. DAMON: Castellan said we might be alone. DOCTOR: Excellent. Well, Damon, what news of my old companion Leela? [SCENE_BREAK] DAMON (OOV.): Er, she's, she's well, and very happy. DOCTOR (OOV.): I was so sorry to miss her wedding. Still, perhaps I'll get to see her before I (out of range) CASTELLAN: You're a fool, Maxil. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: In here. Maxil has just planted a listening device in the console room. Well now, we have proof my biodata extract was removed from the Matrix. NYSSA: So there is a traitor. DOCTOR: Indeed. And a disaster in the making. Unless I'm mistaken, Gallifrey could lose control of the space-time Matrix. DAMON: But that's impossible. DOCTOR: That's exactly what the High Council think. So, we must see what we can do to stop it happening. Look, Damon, I know you've already risked a great deal for me, but could I impose on you a little further? DAMON: Anything. DOCTOR: I need another space-time element for the TARDIS. Preferably without a recall circuit. DAMON: I'll see what I can do. Anything else? DOCTOR: Yes. You could check to see if the Matrix is aware of any details concerning power equipment, movement, transportation. DAMON: Right. DOCTOR: Well, Commander, our time is up so soon. Well, Nyssa, that's my final word. No appeals. We must accept the decision of the High Council. Understood? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: This is it? STUART: Yes. The entrance to the crypt is over there, behind the fountain, but I found a back way in behind the house. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: It's impressive. DAMON: We must hurry. I must first check the coding for a Type Forty time rotor. [SCENE_BREAK] CASTELLAN: Well? MAXIL: All is in order, Castellan. CASTELLAN: No appeals? No last minute requests? MAXIL: Nothing. The Doctor seems to be taking it quite well, in fact. CASTELLAN: You are extremely privileged, Maxil. It's given to very few to supervise the destruction of a Time Lord. It has in fact only happened once before. MAXIL: The warrant is issued? CASTELLAN: Yes. Summon the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] TIME LORD: It is time, my friend. The Council have been summoned to the place of termination. You have little time. Can you do it? OMEGA: All will be ready here. [SCENE_BREAK] OMEGA: Do precisely as you have been instructed. To the controls. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: What is it? DAMON: The alert. The Doctor is being taken to the place of termination. We're too late. NYSSA: They'll execute him now, this instant? DAMON: Yes. DAMON: No, Nyssa. Look, you can't stop them now. NYSSA: Help me! DAMON: Please, Nyssa, please. You'll die too. NYSSA: We can't fail him, Damon. You finish assembling the time element. Now please, I want this thing open. DAMON: It's madness. NYSSA: You must get to the TARDIS and fit the element into place. If all goes well, we'll need to leave in a hurry. DAMON: Be careful and, and good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I trust you know what you are doing? BORUSA: You know the choice we have to face, Doctor. Our duty, if not our conscience, is clear. DOCTOR: And the decision was unanimous? BORUSA: There was one dissenter, your good friend Councillor Hedin. DOCTOR: Thank you, Hedin. I much appreciate all you've done. BORUSA: By the authority vested in me as laid down by Rassilon, I, Lord President Borusa, and in harmony with the majority of the Time Lords here present, we are resolved [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD: Halt! [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: By reason of cruel but unavoidable necessity, we have no recourse but to exercise the final sanction of termination. Commander Maxil, this warrant empowers you to carry out judgement. MAXIL: Guards, bring the Doctor forward. [SCENE_BREAK] OMEGA: Align scan coordinates. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Over here, Doctor. DOCTOR: No! Nyssa, I will not have blood spilt to save my life. BORUSA: Nyssa of Traken, I command you to lay aside that weapon. NYSSA: Doctor, quickly! THALIA: Obey the Lord President, or you too will die. CASTELLAN: You cannot escape, girl. NYSSA: Don't you understand? The Doctor was betrayed. His bioscan was extracted from the Matrix. Doctor, tell them. DOCTOR: They're right, Nyssa. We cannot escape. NYSSA: But we're ready to leave. DOCTOR: Please. You must obey the Lord President. I know what I'm doing. The weapon, please? DOCTOR: Lord President, my companion acted from misguided loyalty. She will cause no further trouble. In return, I ask that she is allowed to go free. BORUSA: Thank you, Doctor. For your sake, we will overlook it. [SCENE_BREAK] OMEGA: Activate booster terminal, now! [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: Judgement has been carried out, Lord President.
doc_3
OPEN IN LORELAI'S FRONT YARD [An airport shuttle van drops Lorelai and Rory off in front of their house, then pulls away] LORELAI: Agh! RORY: And we're home. LORELAI: How long does a freakin' van ride take? RORY: Not that long! LORELAI: Everybody in the world's life flashed before my eyes. That's how much time I had. I thought we were gonna die on that van. RORY: It seemed a good possibility. LORELAI: Ugh, that van ride felt longer than our train ride from Paris to Prague, and we had that group of French boys singing Sk8er Boi and smelling like a soccer field sitting all around us. [Babette comes out of her house and rushes over to them] BABETTE: Oh my God, you're back! Morey, they're back! Are you hurt? Are you bleeding? LORELAI: Oh, we're fine. BABETTE: You're fine? They're fine! Morey! MOREY: [opens his front door] Yeah? BABETTE: They're fine! MOREY: Okay. [goes back inside] BABETTE: What the hell happened to you two? According to the itinerary that Rory gave me, you were supposed to be home on Saturday. LORELAI: The itinerary that Rory gave you? BABETTE: So when you girls didn't show up, we panicked! Morey? MOREY: [opens front door] Yeah? BABETTE: Didn't we panic? MOREY: Yeah. [goes inside] LORELAI: Hey, Morey, you ever thought about just staying out here at times like these? BABETTE: By Sunday night, I was a complete basketcase. I thought you'd been kidnapped by some crazy Sandinistas or something. LORELAI: 'Cause the Sandinista movement is so popular in France. BABETTE: So, finally, I just started calling consulates. RORY: Consulates? LORELAI: How many consulates? BABETTE: Ah, jeez, all of 'em. Anyhow, you're here. Let's go inside, I wanna hear all about Europe. Morey, I'm going in! MOREY: [calls from his house] Okay. [Babette goes into Lorelai's house] LORELAI: You gave her an itinerary? RORY: I thought it would be good for someone to know where we were. LORELAI: Oh, you gave her an itinerary and she called every consulate in the world. RORY: If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey? LORELAI: Where'd we get this hash we were smuggling? RORY: You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking. LORELAI: At least tell me he was cute. RORY: He was not bad for a hash dealer. LORELAI: Hm. [they walk into the house] BABETTE: [calls from the kitchen] I'm making cocoa! LORELAI: She's making cocoa 'cause you gave her an itinerary. RORY: I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling. LORELAI: Reality has absolutely no place in our world. [they walk to the kitchen] BABETTE: Okay, I wanna hear all about Europe. Come on, tell me, what'd you see? LORELAI: Well, everything. Uh, Notre Dame, the Roman Baths, St. Peter's Basilica. RORY: Mom touched the Pope. BABETTE: You're kidding! LORELAI: Actually, I just touched his car. Then one of the Swiss guards in the fruity cool clothing busted me. RORY: Luckily, Mom's fluent in flirting. LORELAI: And flirting with a guy in a pompom hat and a skirt is quite an accomplishment. BABETTE: Well, it sounds like you had a terrific trip. RORY: It was. [Lorelai signals for her to fake a yawn, and Rory does] LORELAI: Aw, are you okay, hon? RORY: Yeah, I'm just a little sleepy. BABETTE: Aw, of course, you girls must be wiped. I'll, uh, get out of here. LORELAI: Oh, but thanks, Babette. BABETTE: Well, goodnight, sleep tight. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Morey, I'm coming home! [leaves] RORY: I'm gonna go unpack. LORELAI: Oh, unpack tomorrow. RORY: No, if I leave stuff packed overnight, everything's gonna get gross. LORELAI: Everything's already gross. [they walk into Rory's bedroom] RORY: Ahhh. [Rory walks to the closet as Lorelai gets on the bed] LORELAI: Oh my God, your bed feels good. RORY: Do not get comfortable. I will sleep on top of you if I have to. LORELAI: Oh man, smell this. [holds up a pillow] RORY: What? LORELAI: I forgot that pillows don't have to smell like feet. You know, I have to say, I think it's good I did this hostel thing in my thirties, and I'll tell you why. RORY: [hugging the clothes in her closet] I missed you, I missed you all! LORELAI: If I had done it in my twenties or teens, I would've been naïve enough to think that hostels were exotic and romantic. But once you're in your thirties, you've lived enough to know they're gross and should be avoided at all costs. RORY: [to her clothes] I had a dream about you in Copenhagen. You were there, and you, and you, and you. LORELAI: Listen, since we slept on the plane, we should go to sleep now, but get up really early tomorrow. We don't wanna blow this whole week being jet-lagged. We need to establish normal sleeping patterns. RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Okay. I'm gonna go take a shower and leave you alone to make out with your sock drawer. RORY: Close the door. [Lorelai leaves. Rory pulls open her sock drawer] RORY: Hello, boys. [opening credits] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory is organizing the souvenirs in the living room. Lorelai walks down the steps talking on the phone] LORELAI: [on phone] Gilmore, Lorelai, yes. My daughter's name is Lorelai also. Well, very confusing or, in your case, extremely convenient. Uh, no, see, we were never missing, it was a big mistake. RORY: Who are you talking to? LORELAI: Belgium. RORY: Ah. LORELAI: [on phone] Yes, uh huh, Babette Dell. She got our arrival dates mixed up and she was just worried, but we're fine, we're here. We just loved your fries. Okay, sure, bye bye. [hangs up] Okay, Belgium's done, Lisbon's calling me back, Berlin had no idea what I was talking about, and Paris is pissed. RORY: At who? LORELAI: Ugh, who knows? Okay, I'm taking a break and then I'm taking on the Netherlands. I still cannot believe Babette did this. RORY: She just loves us. LORELAI: Well, be a little less lovable, would you, 'cause it's costing me a fortune. Try being one of those kids where people are like, "Oh really, she was kidnapped? Hey, well, thin the herd." RORY: Very nice. Hey, who are the rosary beads for? LORELAI: They're mine. RORY: What do you need rosary beads for? LORELAI: They're cute. RORY: They're for prayer. LORELAI: Well, pray they match my blue suit? RORY: They have just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, Jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell. LORELAI: Hm. Oh, Pieta placemat? RORY: Oh, Gypsy. LORELAI: How are you feeling? RORY: You know, not bad. Just a little spacy. LORELAI: Like a cold medicine buzz? RORY: Maybe we got lucky and missed the jet lag. LORELAI: I hope so because we have a very big week ahead of us. RORY: Oh yeah? LORELAI: Yes. In fact, I have here in my hand a schedule of all the activities we are going to partake in over this week, the final week of Rory Gilmore's life before she enters the ivy-covered hallowed halls of Yale University. RORY: Schedule, please. LORELAI: Okay. Today we get these presents out to our friends and then we hit the mall. RORY: Got it. LORELAI: Tomorrow we get an early start and we hit three of the crappier movies that are out. RORY: And then we have dinner at Grandma's. LORELAI: Which I will conveniently not put down on my list in the hopes that that magically goes away. Uh, okay, the next day we hit New York, see your fancy art galleries, hit the Strand. RORY: Yes! LORELAI: Pizza at John's. Um, Sunday, pick up all the stuff you need for school, and then there's a barbecue at Sookie's. Monday is mani/pedi, facial, haircut, go to the psychic, and stock up for Tuesday, the day of all days - Godfather I, II, and III, with extra showings of the Sofia death scene over and over as long as the Mallomars hold out. RORY: The perfect day! LORELAI: I agree. RORY: And I think we have just enough of the biscotti that we brought back from Milan to last us the rest of the week. LORELAI: Oh, good. Well, everything's in order, so, uh, let's get going and get this stuff out of here. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Wow, we sure have a lot of gifts. Do we like this many people? RORY: I didn't think so. Maybe we're getting soft in our old age. LORELAI: Okay, well, I guess we should get some tote bags. RORY: What tote bags? LORELAI: We must have tote bags. RORY: Where would we get tote bags? LORELAI: Excuse me, every woman who's ever purchased seventy-five dollars worth of Clinique products has some tote bags. RORY: We don't have tote bags. LORELAI: Well, how are we supposed to get this stuff out of here? CUT TO SIDEWALK [Lorelai and Rory walk down the street wearing their backpacks] LORELAI: Now we're the quirky backpack ladies. RORY: One of the kinder nicknames that have been attributed to us. LORELAI: Let's just be very efficient about this. Okay, we'll start with Patty, work our way clockwise around the town, end with Andrew. And let's stick with the 'my mom touched the Pope' anecdote. It's quick, it's peppy, and everybody likes a nice Pope story. RORY: Do we have time to stop at Luke's? I'm starving. LORELAI: Absolutely. This is our week, this week we do anything we want. RORY: I like this week. LORELAI: Hey, I wonder if Luke and Nicole actually went on that cruise. RORY: I thought he was going. LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but I wonder if he actually went. RORY: Why wouldn't he? LORELAI: Well, I don't know. Because he'd have to pack and leave, plus he'd have to buy a bathing suit. RORY: Well, I hope he went. He could use a good vacation. Plus, he really seems to like Nicole. LORELAI: Mmhmm. Yeah, he does. Oh, hey, looks like the soda shop is open. RORY: Oh, cool. [They stop outside the soda shop and see Luke and Taylor arguing inside] LUKE: I am gonna kill you. TAYLOR: Oh, please, you are not. LUKE: I am, too. I'm gonna kill you. I should've killed you before. I should've killed you the minute you put up those unicorn topiaries in the park, but, hey, hindsight, right? RORY: Aw, I've missed that. LORELAI: What do you think, biscotti moment? RORY: Absolutely. [Lorelai and Rory eat biscotti while they watch Luke and Taylor argue] TAYLOR: You don't have to yell, Luke. LUKE: You put a giant window in my wall. TAYLOR: So what? LUKE: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store. TAYLOR: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store. LUKE: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood. TAYLOR: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy. LUKE: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay! What? TAYLOR: Your hand is near the wax lips. LUKE: So? TAYLOR: If you could just move it so you don't accidentally touch the candy. Lucas. [Luke rummages through the different boxes of candy] What are you doing? You stop that right now! LUKE: [throws candy in the air] Look at all the pretty candy! TAYLOR: Agh, stop it right now! LORELAI: [gasps] Oh my God! RORY: Hm, what? What's the matter? LORELAI: Luke. RORY: Yeah, he's finally lost it. LORELAI: No, we forgot Luke. RORY: We forgot Luke what? Oh, we forgot to bring him back a gift. Oh no! LORELAI: We kept putting it off and putting it off. RORY: We couldn't find anything good enough. LORELAI: We should've gotten him that bullfighter's uniform. RORY: Well, so what do we do? LORELAI: Well, we have to just pick up something here and we'll tell him that we got it in Denmark. RORY: Pick up what? LORELAI: Something. RORY: What? This is Stars Hollow. Everything you buy here has a Hello, Kitty stamped on the bottom. LORELAI: Well, we have to get him something. We cannot go into Luke's empty handed. RORY: Great. LORELAI: Come on. RORY: I'm hungry. CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory walk up to the house] LORELAI: Hey, Sookie! [Sookie rushes off the porch to greet them] SOOKIE: [squeals] You're back! LORELAI: We're back! [they all hug; Jackson comes out of the house] JACKSON: Hey, don't squish baby! SOOKIE: I missed you so much! LORELAI: We missed you so much. SOOKIE: Ah, look at you! You look older. RORY: Oh, thanks, Sookie. SOOKIE: So how was it, was it wonderful? LORELAI: Oh - SOOKIE: I wanna hear everything you did and everything you ate. Oh, was it warm? I read it was warm. How was Barcelona? Did you see the gaudy apartments? Ooh, did you see a bullfight? Did you see Anne Frank's house? Did you cry? Was Steven Speilberg there, huh? Oh, hey, I hear you touched the Pope! Are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat? I've got quiche. [they walk into the house] LORELAI: Hold on one sec here, missy. I need to look at you. Sideways, please. SOOKIE: Okay. LORELAI: Hello, hi, nice to see you. I'm your Auntie Lorelai, and this is your Auntie Rory. Say hi, Rory. RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Come over here. RORY: Oh, no, I'm good. SOOKIE: Come on, Rory, rub my stomach. RORY: I'd rather not. LORELAI: Rory's a chicken. SOOKIE: So is Jackson. JACKSON: Hey, I'm gonna like it when it comes out. LORELAI: So what did the ultrasound say, boy or girl? SOOKIE: It's a - JACKSON: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. LORELAI: It's a buh? What's a buh? JACKSON: [reveals a button pinned to his shirt] Read. LORELAI: [reads button] "I do not want to know the s*x of my baby." JACKSON: That's right. I'm going old school on this. SOOKIE: And he's being completely stubborn. RORY: But you know? SOOKIE: Of course I know. I had little clothes to buy - JACKSON: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! SOOKIE: What? I said nothing about the s*x. JACKSON: You said little, and now I know it's going to be little. LORELAI: Jackson, seriously, you don't wanna know? JACKSON: Hey, in the old days, the guys would pace back and forth in the waiting room until a pretty nurse in a nice white outfit would come out and say, "Congratulations - it's a 'insert your chosen s*x here'." Ricky Ricardo didn't know, Dick van Dyke didn't know, and by gum, if it was good enough for Rick and Dick, it's good enough for me. LORELAI: Well, I wanna know. JACKSON: Rory, what do you say? Be on my side. SOOKIE: Jackson, there are no sides. JACKSON: We can be in that waiting room together, pacing, waiting, we'll get you a nice suit. What do you say? RORY: Okay, sure. I'm on Jackson's side. JACKSON: Great. Welcome to 1954. [gives her a button] RORY: Happy to be here. LORELAI: Well, I wanna know. SOOKIE: Come on, I'll tell you outside. LORELAI: Sure you don't wanna go? RORY: Read the button, missy. LORELAI: Okay. [Lorelai and Sookie leave] RORY: So, you hear about that whole Sputnik thing? JACKSON: Oh, Eisenhower's on top of it. RORY: Hm. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Sookie walk out back to the shed] LORELAI: So Jackson's really not gonna be in the delivery room with you? SOOKIE: Nope. LORELAI: Does that bug you? SOOKIE: Hey, I don't like Jackson to see me shave my legs, so. . .I'm opening the shed! Okay, are you ready? LORELAI: For what? [Sookie opens the shed; it's filled with blue baby products] LORELAI: [gasps] It's a boy! SOOKIE: It's a boy! LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, you're having a boy! SOOKIE: I know! Jackson will finally have that son to prune the trees with. LORELAI: My God, it's so exciting. A boy! Oh, a little boy. I know nothing about little boys. SOOKIE: Me neither. LORELAI: Man, you're prepared, aren't you? SOOKIE: Yes, I am. [They sit down in chairs in the shed] LORELAI: It's so nice to be home. SOOKIE: It's nice to have you home. LORELAI: Hey, have you seen Luke lately? SOOKIE: Briefly. LORELAI: I guess he went on that cruise, huh? SOOKIE: Yup. LORELAI: That's good. That's good he went. He needed a vacation. He works hard, that one. Always cooking, making the coffee, taking the orders. SOOKIE: You know, I think something happened on that trip of his. LORELAI: What do you mean? SOOKIE: Well, the day he got back, Jackson and I went into the diner and I asked him how his trip went. He couldn't get away from me fast enough. LORELAI: Really? Was Jackson wearing that creepy button? SOOKIE: Nope. Luke just seemed kind of freaked out about something. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: I don't know. LORELAI: You think he and Nicole had a fight or something? SOOKIE: I don't know. LORELAI: He didn't say anything? SOOKIE: Nope. He just walked around acting weirder than normal. LORELAI: Huh. Wonder what that's all about. So. . . are you gonna name him Lorelai? SOOKIE: Absolutely. That wouldn't be confusing at all. LORELAI: Great. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Lorelai and Rory walk down the street. Lorelai is carrying a jar of jam.] RORY: I cannot believe you. LORELAI: What? It's the perfect gift for Luke. Fine fancy jam from France. RORY: Fine fancy jam from Jackson's pantry. LORELAI: I don't know what you're talking about. I am looking right here at this beautiful hand-crafted label and it says "Fruits de la Terre." RORY: You didn't even spellcheck to make sure you got the French right. LORELAI: Yes, well, I think it adds an authentic touch. See, in my world, the person who made this jam was an illiterate orphan. . .Sochelle. RORY: As in Sochelle Crab. LORELAI: Yes, exactly. Sochelle was born by the sea, or so said the note left in the bassinet when the nuns found her on the steps of Notre Dame. RORY: Oh, good, there are nuns. LORELAI: Every sad story needs nuns. Anyhow, Sochelle had nothing - no father, no mother, no friends, no education. All she had was a burning desire to make great jam, and now she's the most successful jamstress in Paris. RORY: Luke's gonna know. LORELAI: No, he is not. RORY: Well, as much as I would like to be there when you give Luke your heartfelt gift, I'm gonna go give Lane her gift. LORELAI: All right, but if you're not there, I'm gonna get all the credit for this. RORY: Exactly as it should be. LORELAI: Give Lane a hug for me. RORY: I will. Don't give him the jam. LORELAI: I can't hear you, I'm too far away. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Bonjour, Luke. Pouvez-vous attacher vos chausseurs? LUKE: What? LORELAI: Uh, hi, Luke. Do you know how to tie your shoes? LUKE: Very good. LORELAI: Yup. It came in handy, let me tell you. Not one shoelace fatality on my watch. [he sets a mug in front of her] You remembered. LUKE: Yup. A couple things about you stick. You have a good time? LORELAI: Vos odeurs de chat. LUKE: What's that? LORELAI: Your cat smells. LUKE: You must've been a big hit with the salon set. LORELAI: The trip was incredible, we had the best time. We were supposed to come back on Saturday. LUKE: I know. LORELAI: Keeping tabs on me? LUKE: Always safer to know which direction the tornado's coming from. LORELAI: Anyhow, we were in London and we ran into this group of girls who were heading to Ireland to stake out the Clarence Hotel. LUKE: Why? LORELAI: Because U2 owns it and Bono hangs out there. LUKE: Ah. Him again. LORELAI: So then we jumped on a train and we headed to Ireland - incredibly beautiful, by the way - and we sat in a bar for two days and did nothing but eat soda crackers and funky cheese and he never showed. LUKE: Que sera. LORELAI: Hm. [sips her coffee] Mm, still good. I told 'em about you over there, Señor Swanky-pants. LUKE: Can't tell you how grateful I am to have you as my press agent. LORELAI: And we got you something. LUKE: You did? LORELAI: Yes, we did. LUKE: You didn't have to do that. LORELAI: What are you talking about? We do not go to Europe and come back without bringing something for Luke. Here. [hands Luke the jar of jam] LUKE: Jam. LORELAI: Yes, fancy French jam. LUKE: Fruits de la Terre. Very impressive. LORELAI: It's handmade by this woman in Paris who has the most amazing story. LUKE: Really? LORELAI: Yeah. Orphaned. LUKE: Uh huh. LORELAI: And illiterate. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: Just had nothing in her life, you know, except this burning desire to be the world's greatest jamstress. And she's famous now and, uh, you know, she only makes three bottles of that stuff a year and that's one of 'em, and I brought it all the way across the, uh. . .I got it from Sookie's house. LUKE: No. LORELAI: How did you know? LUKE: Just a wild guess. LORELAI: I swear, we tried to get you something, but nothing was good enough. LUKE: No, forget it. I didn't get you anything on my trip either. We're even. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, how was the cruise? LUKE: Oh, it was. . .you know. LORELAI: Not really, I've never been on a cruise. So. . . LUKE: It was fine. LORELAI: Okay. So, you and Nicole had fun then? LUKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want more coffee? LORELAI: Uh, eh, oh. So what did you? LUKE: Where? LORELAI: On the boat? What did you and Nicole do on the boat? LUKE: Oh, uh, you know, we fluttered around and ate, and there was a magic show and a singer and pillow mints, and you know, that's it. LORELAI: But you and Nicole had a good time, you got along, and. . . LUKE: Yeah. Uh, I'm gonna go check on your food. LORELAI: Okay. [Luke walks away] I didn't order anything yet. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Kirk is hanging up a poster in front of the market as Rory walks by] RORY: Hi, Kirk. KIRK: Bienvenido, señora Gilmore. [Rory sees that her picture is on the poster, promoting her as the Ice Cream Queen. She tears it down and walks away] KIRK: What are you doing? I just put that there. CUT TO TAYLOR'S SODA SHOP [Taylor is instructing the employees on how to serve the ice cream] TAYLOR: Scoop toward you, rolling smoothly. Very good, Ginger. Nice symmetrical balls there, Joshua. Easy on the nuts, easy on the nuts. One cherry, and then present your sundae with a Taylor Tip. [Rory walks in carrying the poster] RORY: Uh, excuse me, Taylor. TAYLOR: Ah, there you are. Hello, your majesty. Come to check on your little kingdom? Uh, Ginger, hand me a spoon. RORY: I was just walking by when I - TAYLOR: Here you are, on the house. [hands her a dish of ice cream] RORY: Thank you. TAYLOR: Would you like an extra cherry? RORY: No. TAYLOR: Because if the Stars Hollow Ice Cream Queen wants two cherries, then she will get two cherries, and to hell with the extra twenty-five cent charge. RORY: Taylor, you didn't ask me if I wanted to be the Ice Cream Queen. TAYLOR: So? RORY: So, you didn't ask me. You just put my picture on a flier and stuck it up all over town. TAYLOR: Well, I couldn't very well ask you when you were traipsing all over Europe, now could I? RORY: But - TAYLOR: And don't worry about getting anything. I have already rented a cape and a crown. Just wear a nice simple sage-colored floor-length dress and you'll be fine. RORY: I can't do it. TAYLOR: What do you mean, you can't do it? RORY: I mean, I'm busy right now. I only have a couple days left before I go off to school, and my mom and I have every moment planned, so I'm just going to have to pass on this one. TAYLOR: Oh, I see. You're going to pass. You're passing on this. Fine. Just consider yourself passed. RORY: Look, I can still come by. TAYLOR: Oh, can you, really? You can find time in your busy day to come by and eat my free ice cream and take my free balloon and get yourself a free glitter hand stamp? You can swing that? You don't have to pass on that, huh? RORY: Look, Taylor, don't take it like this. TAYLOR: In my own defense, I assumed you would be thrilled based on your, uh, past participation record. RORY: But this has nothing to do with - TAYLOR: You've always been the head pilgrim girl at the food drive table. RORY: Yes, well, that's for charity. TAYLOR: The third leprechaun at the St. Patty's Day festival. RORY: Yes, okay, but again, for charity. TAYLOR: You man the ticket booth on Groundhog Day. You help organize the manger procession at Christmas, you play Esther every year at the Purim carnival. I just assumed you liked taking part in town events. RORY: I do like it, but I just can't this time. I'm sorry. TAYLOR: Oh, don't be. It's my own fault. I should have figured that once you got into Yale everything would be different. RORY: That's not fair. TAYLOR: No, I understand. You're no longer our little Stars Hollow Rory Gilmore. You belong to the Ivy Leagues right now. It's time to cut those small town ties and go off and do something important like go to drama school or have one of those high-class naked parties with that Bush girl. RORY: Taylor - TAYLOR: Okay. See you around the quad. [walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door] LORELAI: Okay, that took way longer than it was supposed to. From now on, when we go out of town, no presents for anyone. RORY: Oh, right. So we'll just buy everyone a big crate of Fruits de la Terre. LORELAI: That horse is dead, put the stick down. Now we're way behind in our schedule, so I propose a change. Let's hold off on the frivolous shopping until tomorrow. What's up? RORY: That Taylor thing is still bugging me. LORELAI: Me, too. I can't believe you didn't call me in to see the fight. RORY: Maybe I am different. Maybe I do have an attitude. LORELAI: I think you do. RORY: I mean, I've always had time for the town in the past, and now suddenly I don't? Am I changing? I don't wanna change. I don't wanna be the anti-town girl. I'm not Daria. LORELAI: Taylor is just messing with your mind, which is one of his specialties. Ignore him. RORY: I guess. [she picks up a pile of mail from the coffee table.] LORELAI: Hey, hey, no mail yet. We agreed, we're still on vacation. RORY: Well, I'll just look through my mail. Yours can sit there as long as you like. LORELAI: Yeah, but then you're back in the real world again and I'm out here in vacation-land alone. That's not fun. RORY: [reading a letter] Oh no. LORELAI: What? RORY: Oh no. LORELAI: What oh no? [Rory heads to her bedroom, Lorelai follows] RORY: Oh no. Oh no. No no no no no no no no no. Oh no. LORELAI: Uh, hey, kid, you're kind of freaking me out here. [Rory flips through her date book] RORY: I wrote the date down wrong. LORELAI: What date? RORY: This is from Yale. My orientation is Saturday. LORELAI: Right, next Saturday. RORY: No, this Saturday. LORELAI: No, next Saturday. RORY: No, this Saturday. LORELAI: But today's Thursday. That means we have no - RORY: I have to be at school the day after tomorrow. LORELAI: But. . .no! We had a free week. I had it all scheduled out. RORY: Well, I wrote the date down wrong. LORELAI: Why would you do that? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: You never write the date down wrong. RORY: Well, I wrote it down before we left and I wrote it down wrong. LORELAI: We were supposed to have a week. RORY: Well, we don't. LORELAI: I can't believe you wrote the date down wrong. RORY: I can't believe you weren't gonna let me open the mail. LORELAI: I can't believe you wrote the date down wrong. RORY: I can't believe you made us go to Ireland to stalk Bono. LORELAI: This isn't fair. You have more I-can't-believe's than I do. RORY: This sucks. LORELAI: This totally sucks. RORY: Well, I'm not ready. I haven't packed. I have things I need to get. We were supposed to watch the three Godfather's and Sofia dying over and over and eat our biscotti and - LORELAI: Okay, listen, calm down. We just need to revise our plan. RORY: We were supposed to have a week. LORELAI: Okay, tonight we stay home and pack. Tomorrow we get up early. We'll get all the stuff you need, and that will give us time to watch at least two Godfather's and a Sofia dying. We'll still have a partial day and a great biscotti night. RORY: Chinese. LORELAI: What? RORY: Food. Order it. Go. LORELAI: No, no time for full sentences! RORY: Right. LORELAI: Ordering! CUT TO SIDEWALK [Lorelai and Rory, each carrying several shopping bags, walk through the town square] LORELAI: I'm so wiped. I shouldn't have taken that third Excedrin PM last night. RORY: Third? Why'd you take three? LORELAI: Oh, well, uh, originally I took two, then somewhere around four in the morning, I woke up and had a major Marilyn moment. RORY: Oh, no. LORELAI: Yeah. I forgot that I'd taken something and so I popped a third one and now I'm about ready to sleep with a Kennedy. RORY: Well, I hear Kerry's available. LORELAI: Okay, let's sit. God, Mr. Jet Lag wants to be my best friend. RORY: Well, do you wanna go home and rest? LORELAI: No. We have a Godfather night to salvage. Check the list. RORY: Okay, we got the sheets, towels, bathroom shower caddy, and the basic first aid accoutrement. We still need to hit the beauty supply, the hardware store, stationery store. LORELAI: The mattress store. RORY: You do know that they supply you with a mattress at the dorm. LORELAI: Yeah. A mattress that decades of students in various states of cleanliness have slept on. Some without pajamas. RORY: Gross. LORELAI: Exactly. RORY: We've been running around for hours and this list isn't getting any shorter. We're never gonna finish. LORELAI: Stop. Yes, we are. We just need to split up. We'll get all this done quicker. I'll take the, uh, beauty supply and you take the stationery store, and we'll meet back here in twenty minutes. RORY: Okay. Oh, boy. LORELAI: What? RORY: Well, I'm gonna walk right past that stupid grand opening. LORELAI: Well, I would take the stationery store, but you're so weird about what kind of pens you like. RORY: No, no. I'll just. . .I'll walk really fast. Maybe Taylor won't notice me. LORELAI: Yeah. You better walk really fast, like warp speed Mr. Sulu kind of fast. RORY: Let's go. LORELAI: Twenty minutes! [They go off in separate directions. Rory stops to listen to Taylor speaking to a crowd in front of the soda shop] TAYLOR: ...since these and many other flavors await your tongues at Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store. I wanna thank you all for coming here today to help us celebrate our grand opening. Now, originally we were supposed to have our Ice Cream Queen here, but unfortunately, kids, she was just too busy. She just couldn't find time in her busy queen schedule to come play with all of you here today. [a young girl in the crowd starts crying] TAYLOR: I know, Christy, but take heart, we still have balloons and music, and as a special treat a little later, a skydiver is going to drop from the sky and land right here in front of Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store. Isn't that great, kids? A skydiver who isn't too busy to come play with you will be here soon. CUT TO THE BEAUTY SUPPLY STORE [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Hey, Kirk. KIRK: Hello. LORELAI: Hey, I'm looking for a good daytime cream and a good nighttime cream. KIRK: For you? LORELAI: No, for Rory. KIRK: Is she sensitive, prone to breakouts if the cream is too heavy? LORELAI: Yeah. KIRK: I thought so. Okay, first of all, I would stay far away from that one. LORELAI: Oh. KIRK: Much too rich for her. This one is light with a fresh citrus scent and it is completely natural. LORELAI: We like that. KIRK: Now, for day, I would recommend something with a sunscreen. Rory has a classic peaches and cream complexion, and it would be a crime if, when she got older, her face started to look like a cowboy. LORELAI: I couldn't agree more. KIRK: All right. This should work. LORELAI: Thank you. KIRK: You know, I heard you got back from your trip. LORELAI: Yup, I'm living proof. KIRK: Miss Patty showed me the castanets you brought her. LORELAI: Oh yeah? KIRK: Yeah. And Andrew showed me the T-shirt from the Picasso museum. I must admit, I was a little jealous. I mean, I hate Picasso, but I love T-shirts. LORELAI: Oh. KIRK: And Pete seemed to really enjoy the Tower of London nutcracker you brought him. LORELAI: Kirk. KIRK: A nutcracker's a very useful thing to have around. I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting in my living room with a nut thinking, "if only I had a way to crack this." LORELAI: Okay, Kirk, I'm really sorry, we got a little messed up on the presents. It just got so crazy over there. I mean, we forgot to bring something back for Luke. KIRK: I heard he got jam. LORELAI: Fake jam. KIRK: I love fake jam. LORELAI: You know what, I'm gonna make this up to you, okay? KIRK: Really? LORELAI: I promise. We never meant to forget you. KIRK: Oh. Okay, well, sure. You can make it up to me. LORELAI: Okay. Now how much do I owe you? KIRK: 45.50. You're, uh, you're lucky you came in when you did. I'm closing a little early today. LORELAI: Ooh, well, lucky me. KIRK: Yup. [he puts on a skydiver's backpack] LORELAI: Kirk, no. KIRK: Taylor paid me twenty dollars to jump out of a plane for the grand opening. LORELAI: No. KIRK: But I took a lesson. The guy said I was a natural at falling. LORELAI: Kirk, listen to me, this is the best gift I could possibly give you - don't do that, okay? KIRK: Do I still get the jam? CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory is walking down the street. Two young kids walk by.] KID 1: Thanks a lot. KID 2: Yale can have you. [Lorelai walks up to Rory] LORELAI: Honey. Hey, did you get your silly pens? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Okay, good. Now I can mark these two things off, and we only have about ten thousand other things to do. RORY: Great. LORELAI: You know, I think the only way we're gonna get this all done is if we prioritize. RORY: Meaning? LORELAI: Something has to go. RORY: Biscotti night. LORELAI: No, not biscotti night. I think we should bail on Friday night dinner. RORY: Cancel on Grandma? LORELAI: Yes, cancel on Grandma. RORY: I can't do that. LORELAI: Rory, we need to get this stuff before tomorrow. There's no way we can do that if we have to drive all the way to Hartford and back. She'll understand. Well, the first part was true. RORY: I can't skip dinner. LORELAI: Come on, we're gonna go to dinner next week and every week after that for the rest of our lives. And I do mean the rest of our lives because my parents will outlive us. The damned can do that. RORY: Mom, I made a deal. This is why I get to go to Yale. I can't back out. LORELAI: It's our last night. RORY: I have to go. You don't have to, but I do. LORELAI: What do you mean I don't have to go? RORY: I was very clear when I made this deal that it was only for me. LORELAI: You're right, I don't have to go. Boy, that's an oddly liberating feeling. I don't have to go. I don't have to go. I do not have to go to dinner. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Hang on, I'm not done. I do not have to go ever if I'm not in the mood. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: I'm not going. I'll finish up all the errands. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yes. You go and you eat really fast and then get out of there. Meet me back here 9:30, 10 at the latest, and we'll do Godfather I through "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday," and a quick Sofia dying. RORY: Deal. LORELAI: Remember, eat fast. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: Bye. [They go off in separate directions. Taylor is still speaking to the crowd in front of the soda shop] TAYLOR: Now just picture her sitting here just like this, smiling and waving. 'Hello kids, I'm the Ice Cream Queen.' [Rory walks up to the microphone to speak to the crowd] RORY: Okay, that's it. I humiliate myself at least six times a year for this town, and just because I'm going to Yale, that's not going to stop. Now the reason I am not the Ice Cream Queen is because Taylor never asked me. I didn't know about it, and that's why I was busy. Now I love this town, I will be back in that ridiculous pilgrim outfit at Thanksgiving, so everybody just get off my back. [She walks away as some people applaud] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The doorbell rings. Emily walks toward the door] EMILY: Richard, they're here! Put those papers away and fix your tie. [Emily opens the door] RORY: Hey, Grandma. EMILY: Hello, Rory. RORY: Nice to see you. EMILY: It's nice to see you, too. Come on in. RORY: I'm sorry I'm a little late. EMILY: Well, you're here now and that's all that matters. Shall we go into the living room? RORY: Yes. Then I can give you your present. EMILY: My present? Well, that sounds very interesting. RORY: We bought it for you in Paris because Mom said you loved Paris the most. EMILY: I wonder what it could be. [They sit down in the living room. Rory hands her a gift] RORY: For you. [Emily opens the gift, an Eiffel Tower figurine] EMILY: Oh my, it's lovely, Rory, really. Just beautiful. RORY: It was between this and the Arc de Triumphe, but Mom said that the Eiffel Tower was fancier. EMILY: I agree, and I love it. Thank you. RORY: You're welcome. EMILY: So, where is your mother tonight? Not sick, I hope. RORY: Oh, no, she's fine. She just had some things to do. EMILY: Ah, things. RORY: Errands, actually. EMILY: Errands, of course. RORY: But she'll be here next week, and she says she's looking forward to it. [Richard walks into the room] RICHARD: Emily, I'm expecting a call and there's nothing I can do about it, so please don't be upset when I leave the table. Rory, how lovely to see you. Well, how was the first European excursion? RORY: It was perfect. EMILY: Lorelai had chores to do tonight. RICHARD: Chores? EMILY: Errands, you know. RICHARD: Errands? EMILY: Yes, that's why she didn't come, she had to run errands. But she'll be here next week, and she's looking forward to it. Isn't that nice? RICHARD: I suppose. EMILY: I think so, too. Would you like to see my present? RICHARD: Well, that's very nice. That'll fit right in with your collection, Emily. EMILY: Yes, it will. RORY: We got something for you, too, Grandpa. [hands him a gift] RICHARD: Well, I guess you're not the only one who gets a treat tonight. EMILY: Oh, and just when I thought I was special. [Richard opens the gift, a pipe] RICHARD: Look at that. That's beautiful. RORY: We found this amazing pipe store in Copenhagen and the man there can carve anything you want. His family's been doing it for over a hundred and fifty years. And they had a whole set of Alice in Wonderland pipes that Mom wanted to get, but they were way too expensive so we just got the Queen of Hearts. RICHARD: Well, I love it. EMILY: Yes, and you're gonna love it outside on the patio. RICHARD: As you wish, my dear. [the phone rings] That's my call, that's my call. EMILY: Hurry back, or we'll start without you. RICHARD: Five minutes. Ten, tops. [leaves room] EMILY: He'll be an hour. RORY: Is his new business going well? EMILY: Oh, who knows? He's not in the room long enough to find out. MAID: Dinner is served, Mrs. Gilmore. EMILY: All right, Gerta. Well, I guess we should go in and eat. RORY: What about Grandpa? EMILY: Oh, we'll save him something. RORY: Okay. CUT TO THE DINING ROOM [Emily, Richard, and Rory are eating dinner] RICHARD: So, Rory, tell me, how were the Gundersons? RORY: The who? RICHARD: The Gundersons. Our friends in Zurich. The ones we told you two to look up when you got there. RORY: Oh, the Gundersons, right. RICHARD: I tell ya, they better have given you a first class welcome. Especially after that son of theirs squatted here for over a month last year. EMILY: And ruined the rug in the guest room. RICHARD: That's right. Hope you ruined one of their rugs as well. RORY: Actually, we, um, we didn't get a chance to see the Gundersons. RICHARD: Hm? EMILY: Why not? Were they out of town? RORY: Well, I - RICHARD: You did go to Zurich, didn't you? RORY: Yes, but, you know, Zurich was so crazy for us that we just figured, 'Ah, we'll just catch 'em next time.' RICHARD: You didn't call them? RORY: You know, there really wasn't time. RICHARD: Well, what about the Egerholms in Denmark? Is their new house a monstrosity? RORY: Well, if you think Zurich was hectic, then Denmark was just. . .whoo! RICHARD: You didn't call them? RORY: Um, no. RICHARD: The Rezoscos in Florence? RORY: No. RICHARD: The Talbots in London? RORY: We were only in London for two days. RICHARD: Well, who did you look up when you went to Europe? RORY: Jim Morrison says hello. RICHARD: You didn't look up one of our friends? We must've given you fifteen names. RORY: I know, but we got so caught up in the backpacking aspect of it that it just kind of slipped our minds. RICHARD: You know what that means, Emily. We're going to have to stay with the Gundersons when we go to Zurich in the fall. EMILY: Rory, would you like another piece of chicken? RICHARD: Tiresome people. RORY: I've already had two, Grandma. RICHARD: I'm sorry, why are we friends with them again? EMILY: Well, just take it and nibble at it if you want to. Gerta, you can put the soufflé in now. RORY: Soufflé? EMILY: Yes, we're going to have a special dessert, something to celebrate your homecoming. RICHARD: Well, why didn't she put it in the oven when we sat down to dinner? Those things take forever to cook. EMILY: You know, every time we go to Paris, I marvel at their ability to turn a simple meal into a three or four hour event. Makes every day seem like a party. So tonight, I thought we'd be European. I thought maybe we'd have a cheese plate before dessert and coffee. How does that sound? Bon? RORY: Oh, yes. Very. . .bon. EMILY: It's nice to mix it up once in awhile. Oh, I have a wonderful idea. Rory, have you ever seen a ballroom dancing competition? RORY: Uh, no. EMILY: You would love it. It is so exciting, and the costumes are beautiful. I've been taping them since 1978. Can you imagine? RORY: No. EMILY: All right, then. After dessert, you and I are going to hunker down in that den that we never use and I am pulling out those tapes. We'll just start at the beginning and see how far we get. Perfect, here's the cheese. I'll take that, Gerta. Richard, do you want to start? CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT YARD [Lorelai and Luke are loading Rory's things for Yale into the back of Luke's truck] LUKE: Jeez, you think you go to a fancy school like Yale there'd be a mattress in the room. LORELAI: Yeah. Go figure, huh? LUKE: You packed her stuff in Hefty bags? LORELAI: Hey, she's lucky I even had these in the house. LUKE: If you needed luggage, you should've asked me. LORELAI: You have luggage? LUKE: Yes, I have luggage. Why wouldn't I have luggage? LORELAI: You never go anywhere. LUKE: I just went on a seven-country cruise. LORELAI: That's right, the mystery cruise that you don't wanna talk about. LUKE: I told you I brought luggage. What more info do you need? LORELAI: Why won't you tell me what happened? LUKE: Because. LORELAI: Why? Luke, I swear, I'm dying to know, but every time I bring it up, you spaz out. Why won't you tell me? I would tell you. LUKE: Yes, but I wouldn't wanna know. LORELAI: Did something happen with you and Nicole? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: What? Did you propose? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Oh my God, you proposed? LUKE: Yes, I proposed. LORELAI: This is big. This is huge. LUKE: There's more. LORELAI: There's more? Okay, well, what? Did she say yes? LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: She said yes. You proposed and she said yes. Wow, I - LUKE: There's more. LORELAI: And there's more after you proposed and she said yes? What, you - LUKE: We got married. LORELAI: You got married? How could you get married? LUKE: We asked the captain and he married us. LORELAI: And that's legal? LUKE: Apparently. LORELAI: So you're married? You're legally married? This is just - LUKE: Actually, there's a little more. LORELAI: And she's pregnant. Oh my God, you finally reproduced. LUKE: We're getting divorced. LORELAI: I'm gonna sit down now. LUKE: It just all happened so fast. LORELAI: Well, yeah. [they sit down on the front porch steps] LUKE: I mean, you're on this boat in the middle of nowhere and everything's moving and you feel weird all the time. There's this endless supply of food and drink. Uh, midnight buffets, by the way, are the reason the rest of the world hates us. And everyone around us was either in love, engaged, or celebrating their hundredth wedding anniversary, and we were having a good time. . . and there you go. LORELAI: There you go. LUKE: Of course, the next morning we both woke up and realized we'd lost our minds. We tried to ignore it for awhile, you know, went snorkeling, but by the time we hit land, we were separated, and now we're getting divorced. LORELAI: Okay, well, my jet lag and your love life is making me dizzy. Is there more? LUKE: Nope, that's it. LORELAI: I'm sorry. LUKE: Ah, it's okay. LORELAI: Well, look on the bright side. I mean, now that you've been married, it'll silence all those questions. LUKE: What questions? LORELAI: You know, a single man of a certain age who lives alone. LUKE: You're kidding. LORELAI: Hey, I always defended you. I always said, "Hey, so what if he is?" LUKE: Thank you for your support. [Lorelai's cell phone rings] LORELAI: [answers] Hello? RORY: She's taken me hostage. LORELAI: What? RORY: She's not letting me leave. Dinner lasted an hour. She didn't even put the soufflé in the oven until we'd already finished, and now we're watching taped ballroom dancing competitions that date back to the 1800's. LORELAI: You haven't left yet? RORY: Are you listening to me? I can't leave. She won't let me leave ever. This is Iran in '79 and you are Jimmy Carter. What do we do? LORELAI: Well, first we have to lose the Jimmy Carter comparison, and second, I have to come get you. This is about me and me not showing up, so maybe if I put in an appearance, she'll let you go. RORY: Okay, but come quickly because she's got a lot of tapes and they rewind really slow. LORELAI: I'm on my way. [hangs up] Um, hey, so, uh, I have to go get Rory. LUKE: Everything okay? LORELAI: Uh, yeah. You know, my mother's a psycho, so. . .business as usual. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Thanks for the help. LUKE: Sure. LORELAI: And I am sorry. LUKE: I'll be fine. [Kirk walks by in a skydiver's outfit, trailing a parachute behind him] KIRK: Strong wind. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [In the den, Emily puts a ballroom dancing tape into the VCR, then sits next to Rory on the couch] EMILY: Now I think you're really going to see quite a difference from the early eighties. They really start to mix it up in '88. RORY: Mmhmm. EMILY: Oh, see right there, see that move? Five years ago it was not allowed. Could've gotten you kicked right out. RORY: That's harsh. EMILY: Oh, yes. Ballroom dancing can be very harsh. Oh, look. The couple in the purple feathers - that's Corky and Shirley Ballas. I love them, they are so talented. Corky's actually writing a musical based on their life as ballroom champions, and their son, Corky Jr., is going to play him as a young man. RORY: Wow. Two Corky's in one show. Don't see that everyday. [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Hey. RORY: Mom, hi! LORELAI: There you guys are. EMILY: What are you doing here? LORELAI: Well, you know, it's funny, I just happen to be in the neighborhood and I thought to myself, I wonder what's doing at the Gilmore house. RORY: We're watching National Ballroom Dancing competitions. LORELAI: You are? Well, that sounds fun. Mind if I watch with you? EMILY: I don't think you'd enjoy it. LORELAI: Oh, no, I'm sure I would. EMILY: Well, you've already missed the beginning. LORELAI: I'm betting you could catch me up. EMILY: Rory, would you go ask Gerta if she would make me some tea? RORY: Uh, sure, Grandma. [leaves] LORELAI: No, nothing for me, Mom. Thanks. Um, so what's new? EMILY: Well, you obviously weren't just in the neighborhood, so why don't you tell me what you're doing here? LORELAI: Uh, you know, I came to see you. EMILY: You came to get Rory. LORELAI: Mom, she's been here for hours. Patty Hearst had a shorter incarceration. EMILY: She's not being held hostage, Lorelai. I resent that. She's spending time with me, something you obviously don't want to do. LORELAI: Mom, I'm sorry I missed dinner tonight. EMILY: Come to dinner, don't come to dinner, it makes no difference to me. You are under no obligation to us any longer. LORELAI: I know, but - EMILY: You're very busy, I understand. I wouldn't wanna keep you any longer. LORELAI: Mom, please, let me take Rory with me. EMILY: No. Tonight is my night with Rory. LORELAI: You're keeping her from me on purpose. EMILY: If Rory wants to leave, she can ask to leave. She's not a four-year old. LORELAI: Well, she's not gonna hurt your feelings by asking to leave. EMILY: Why should she? She knows you'll be along any second to do it for her. LORELAI: Mom, why do you always make everything so hard? Don't you understand, this is my last night with my daughter! She goes off to college tomorrow! EMILY: I know, which is why I was so surprised you didn't want to spend the evening with her. LORELAI: I do! EMILY: Then you should've come! LORELAI: I couldn't! EMILY: You wouldn't! LORELAI: Ugh, I swear to God! Where's Dad? EMILY: Oh, he went to bed hours ago. LORELAI: He went to bed? EMILY: Well, it was getting late. [Lorelai laughs a little] EMILY: Why are you laughing? LORELAI: Um, you know, you've got Rory locked in here with the Mambo Kings, and, um, and Dad went to bed. EMILY: So what? Why is that funny? LORELAI: Because. . .you know, she's here and he's there and. . .God, I'm so tired. [Lorelai keeps laughing. Rory walks in] RORY: What's so funny? EMILY: Oh, she's having a fit. RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Oh my God. [laughs harder] RORY: What? LORELAI: I just got the Jimmy Carter reference. [Lorelai and Rory laugh] EMILY: As soon as you're both done. . . CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Later that night, Lorelai and Rory are watching ballroom dancing in the den] RORY: Oh, watch this. This part's really good. LORELAI: Ouch, that has got to hurt. RORY: Cool, huh? LORELAI: Extremely. Plus, the whole matching haircut thing adds a level of commitment to their act that the other acts just lack. Oh, hey, careful where you put the hand there, mister. RORY: You know they rehearse every night, plus they have classes, plus they go to the gym four times a week? LORELAI: Hm. Oh my God, she's balancing on his hand. He is like Superman. Or Wonder Woman. Either way, he's very strong. RORY: So, tomorrow. . . LORELAI: Yeah, tomorrow. RORY: It's a big day. LORELAI: It's a really big day. RORY: I just hope it's everything I've been imagining it to be. LORELAI: Yeah. I just hope you actually get there. [they glance at Emily sleeping on the other couch, then continue watching the television] LORELAI: You know, if Sofia could just die during a fox trot, that would be perfect. RORY: Biscotti? LORELAI: Yes, please. [Rory hands her one from the bag] LORELAI: They're all broken. RORY: I know. I like 'em that way.
doc_4
[Scene: Paige's car. Paige is driving along the road, talking on her phone to Phoebe.] Paige: Okay, so I've stopped at five herb shops but I finally found some eye of newt. So if it's good enough for Shakespeare's witches, I figured it'd help us put a serious dent in Cole. Phoebe: Look, we've tried everything to vanquish him but nothing works, okay. So I just say we watch our backs and get on with our lives. Speaking of which, do you think eye of newt would work on the woman that's trying to sue me? Paige: Is she demonic? Phoebe: Well, she's demonically stupid. Paige, I am seriously worried that I'm going to lose my job over this. Paige: For giving bad advice in your column? Phoebe: No, the advice wasn't bad, I never told her she should leave the guy at the altar. Paige: Either way, what happened to freedom of the press? Phoebe: Well, apparently some dirt bag lawyer is finding a way around it. (Paige passes a demon wearing a suit, standing on the side of the road. He waves his hand and something blows on her car. Her car spins out of control and Paige screams.) Paige? (Paige's car crashes into another car and she is knocked unconscious.) Paige, are you okay? Paige, do you hear me? Are you okay? Paige. [Scene: A demonic strip bar. Women in bikinis are dancing on the stage, while demonic men watch them close by. Cole is amongst the demons, watching a dancer straight in front of him. The demon from the street shimmers into the middle of the room, who a waitress bumps into. He looks around and approaches Cole.] Demon: Cole. Cole: How'd it go? Demon: It was beautiful. Cole: Was the other driver hurt? Demon: Oh, yeah. Cole: Good. Demon: Now all you gotta do is a little mind control on the witnesses and maybe a cop, and we're golden. Cole: Let's get outta here. (Cole starts to get up but a dancer walks over and pushes him back down.) Dancer: No time for one little dance? Cole: Kaia, I was waiting for you earlier. Kaia: I'll make it up to you. Demon: Boss. (Cole gives him a look and he walks away.) Cole: You know what I want. (Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe and gives him a lap dance.) Opening Credits [Scene: Hospital. Room. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Paige is in the hospital bed, Phoebe sits on the end of the bed, and Piper sits beside in a chair.] Piper: Are you sure you don't want to call Leo? Paige: No, no, it's just a mild concussion and besides, I don't deserve to be healed. I know better than to talk on the phone and drive, I don't know what I was thinking. Piper: Do you remember what happened? Paige: I was speaking to Phoebe and then the next thing I know the car just started spinning out of control. Phoebe: Hm, it's kinda like my career. Paige: Oh, honey, it's not that bad is it? Phoebe: I think it is. The newspaper's lawyers wanna meet with me and I don't think it's because they're huge Phoebe fans. Piper: Well, I'll see you your career and raise you my club. The health inspector's coming back today and the plumbing just exploded, again. Paige: What is going on with us? Is Mercury in retrograde? Phoebe: Have you thought about using a magical band-aid? Piper: I'd do it in a heartbeat if I wasn't afraid of the personal gain consequences. Phoebe: See, this is why demons always have the upper hand, you know. They can use their magic whenever they want to. Paige: Yeah, well, you know, that's what separates good from evil. Phoebe: Yeah, I know that but it's still very tempting. I mean, you could fix your plumbing, I could turn some lawyers into toads. Piper: Aunt Phoebe, little wiccans have very big ears that can hear you. Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, baby, I was only kidding! Mostly. (to Paige) Are you going to be okay because I have to go get fired now. Paige: You are not getting fired and I'm fine. Phoebe: From your mouth and god's ears. (She kisses Paige on the head and turns to Piper's stomach.) Okay, bye, my little niece. (She kisses Piper's stomach.) Piper: You're smashing me. Phoebe: I love you. Piper: Get off me! (Phoebe leaves.) Paige: This is no segue but you and I need to talk about vanquishing Cole. Piper: 'Cause we don't have enough problems at the moment? Paige: No, because he's actually our biggest problem at the moment. Okay, look at Phoebe, it's totally beaten her down. Piper: I don't know, she seemed kind of cheerful considering the state of her career. Paige: That's this wonderful thing called denial. Okay, the Phoebe I know would never roll over for lawyers like that. This morning when I was talking to her about vanquishing Cole, she told me I was wasting my time. I'm telling you she is off. Piper: Alright, okay, already. Well, we'll spend the afternoon with our noses in potions. But can I go save the soul source of our income first? Paige: Yeah, go, I'll see you later. Piper: Are you okay to orb? Paige: I'm perfectly fine to orb. Go. Piper: Alright. (Piper leaves the room. Paige gets up to get dressed and two police officers knock at the door.) Cop #1: Paige Matthews? Paige: Yeah? Cop #1: You're under arrest. [Scene: Cole's office. Cole's there. The demon stands at the doorway.] Demon: Felony hit and run. She's going down. (He walks over to Cole.) Cole: And P3? Demon: Health inspector's there, our guys are in place. I've gotta say, using the law to bring down the Charmed Ones was genius, sir. They'll never figure it out. Cole: Oh, they will figure it out, it'll just be too late. (He shows him some blueprints of the manor.) The Halliwell manor. The doorway to the spiritual nexus. All the power that we need. Demon: Oh, man. Right under the witches' house. Who knew? Cole: I did. Demon: Is that why they're so damn strong? Cole: Ah, partly. The Nexus packs a punch. The power can go either way, in good hands, good gets a power boost. But when we tap into it, evil spreads. Demon: How far? Cole: Far enough. The police, the politicians, and Phoebe. She will be consumed by evil and she will finally give into our love and then I will torture and kill her sisters and we'll live happily ever after. Demon: Sir, I thought the point of all this was to give you the power to reorganise the Underworld above ground. Cole: Yes, it is, it is. But to be united, evil must have a happy leader and for me to be happy, I need... (Phoebe walks in carrying a picnic basket.) Phoebe, what are you doing here? Phoebe: I came to see you, baby. I thought we could have a little picnic. (She walks over to him and gives him a big kiss on the lips.) Cole: Kaia, what the hell do you think you're doing? (Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.) Kaia: Damn, how'd you know it was me? (She curls her hair around her finger.) Cole: Well, for starters Phoebe hates me and she doesn't drink and she uses a little less tongue. Demon: Since when does a stripper follow a guy back from work? Cole: Hey, hey, hey, Dex, go easy, she's got a little crush. Dex: With all do respect, sir, Kieran demons are manipulative vixens and this one has an agenda that goes way beyond a little crush. Cole: Sure, she can smell power, can't you Kaia? Maybe she wants to be my new queen. Kaia: Just send this one away and I'll prove my worth. (She strokes his chest.) Cole: I'm afraid I can't, I'm in love with someone else. Kaia: But I can give her to you, I can be her. Cole: No. You're good for the occasional dance but beyond that I need the real thing. Dex: Alright, you heard him, get out and stay gone. Otherwise, I'll make sure you do. (Kaia storms towards the door.) Cole: Not like that. Go out the way you came in. In this office we keep up appearances. (Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.) Phoebe: You want me, I can feel it. (She leaves.) Dex: Insolent. Cole: Hot though. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper, Leo and the Health Inspector are there. The Inspector has stamped a file saying 'condemned'.] Piper: Oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Come on, you've gotta give me another chance. Health Inspector: And why is that? Piper: Because, because, because... Leo: Because we've been in business nearly four years and we haven't failed an inspection yet. Health Inspector: Well, I'd have to disagree with that, Mr. Wyatt. You've failed two this week. Piper: Yeah, but this week has been bad, like strangely bad and we'll have the plumbing fixed tomorrow so can't you just come back then? Health Inspector: Well, your record has been impeccable until now. (A rat squeaks and crawls past his feet.) Whoa, hello. (Piper gasps.) Rats too. Piper: No! No, we don't have rats. They don't live here. They're just, they're just trying to ruin my life. Health Inspection: Rodent infestation takes longer than a day to clear up. Close down, address the problem, and we'll schedule another inspection in a few weeks. Piper: I won't need another inspection in a few weeks because if I stay closed that long, I'll be out of business. Health Inspector: Sorry, there's nothing I can do. Leo: Alright, well, I'll show you out. (Leo and the Inspector head for the door. Piper grabs a broom.) Piper: Where are you? (She chases the rats with the broom.) I hate you, I hate you. Go home! Get out of here you plague spreading, club ruining rodent. I will get you! (She tries to blow up the rat but misses and gets a chair. Leo walks back in.) Leo: Piper, what are you doing? Piper: Diminishing the rodent population obviously. Leo: Come on, honey, we're gonna get through this. (Piper goes over and sits on the stairs.) Piper: Yeah, we will but the club won't. How can this be happening? I mean, I know I've neglected the club since I've been pregnant but not this much. Leo: These things happen, it's just bad luck. Piper: No, it is more than bad luck, it is sabotage, it is... it's demonic. Leo: What? Piper: Well, yeah. Phoebe's lawsuit, Paige's accident... Well, that's it, it's all part of it, it has to be. Leo: Why? Piper: Because I said so and if not, we're losing the club which is just not an option. (Piper and Leo leave the club. The rats turn into two demons.) Rat Demon #1: Damn. She missed me by this much. (They blink out.) [Scene: Police Station. Paige, Darryl and a cop are there.] Cop: This way, Ms. Matthews. (The cop stands Paige next to a wall with the lines to measure her height. He walks over to the camera.) No film. Darryl: Try the filing cabinet. She's not going anywhere. (He walks away.) Paige: Why, why am I not going anywhere? You've always helped us before. Darryl: With your other problems. This is not others. Paige: I am not so sure. Darryl: Paige. Paige: I didn't do what they're saying I did. And if anybody is trying to set me up it would be a de... others. Darryl: Officer Garcia is not others, nor is he in league with any others, he's a good cop and he saved my ass on many occasions. Paige: Oh my god, I think I see what is going on here. Phoebe's lawsuit, Piper's club... You have to get me out of here otherwise it's just going to get worse. Darryl: Listen, I am a Lieutenant now, I can't just bend the rules like I used to. (The cop comes back with film. Darryl hands Paige a board with her name on it.) Even if I could, this is legal problems. I-I can't just make those go away. (Paige holds up the board and the cop takes the photo.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Elise's office. Phoebe and Elise are there.] Elise: We can't just make it go away. She have a strong case for malice. Phoebe: I don't understand. How does she have a strong case? Elise: She is claiming that a result of your own bitter divorce, you've made it your mission to destroy other marriages. Phoebe: That is ridiculous. Elise: (reading from newspaper) "If you have any doubts, any doubts at all, I suggest you flee at the speed of a baby cheetah at suppertime." Phoebe: I was using hyperbole. Elise: I know that. But she's collected dozens of similar clips and she's threatening to go to the press with her story. And as a newswoman I can tell you, it's a good story. Phoebe: Okay, well, isn't controversy good for sales? Elise: It may be good for the enquirer but I've worked very hard to build this paper into a respectable news source. Phoebe: Can't we just pay her off? We have to have insurance for this type of thing, right? Elise: She doesn't want money. She wants you fired. It's like she's on some kind of vendetta. I'm sorry, Phoebe, I have to suspend you without pay while our lawyers try to work this out. (Phoebe gets up.) Phoebe: Cole. Elise: Excuse me? (Phoebe leaves.) [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper opens the front door to let Darryl in.] Piper: Darryl, have you heard from Paige? Because she was supposed to come straight home from the hospital but... Darryl: Paige is in jail. We tried to call you but... Piper: What? For, what for? Darryl: Reckless endangerment and felony hit and run. Piper: What? (Suddenly, Paige orbs in.) Paige: Oops. Darryl: You have got to be kidding me. Piper: Paige, Darryl said you were in jail. Paige: Oh, I am. I mean, I was, I will be. Just as soon as I figure out what demon is doing this to me. Darryl: You just disappeared from jail? Paige: No! I put pillows in the bed first. It always worked at my parents house. Darryl: Paige! Paige: What? You weren't gonna help me so I had to help myself. Whether you believe it or not, there is a demon behind this. Darryl: At two o'clock, they're gonna come get you for your bail hearing. If you're not there, that's my ass. Everybody knows we're friends. They're gonna just think I let you go. Paige: I will be there at two o'clock. (Darryl leaves.) Piper: See ya. Paige: Okay, he hates me. Piper: Yeah, he does. But for what it's worth I'm with you. Leo's doing the Elder thing. Paige: Oh, let me guess, you didn't pass the inspection? Piper: Nope. Paige: Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Our problems are legal, right? Who's the only demonic lawyer we know? Piper: Cole. And he has gone off the deep end lately. But how is ruining our lives gonna help him get Phoebe back? Paige: I don't know. But until we figure it out we should keep her out of it. [Scene: Cole's office. Cole is there sitting at his desk. Phoebe barges in, angrily.] Phoebe: You slimy son of a bitch. Cole: Phoebe, is that you? Phoebe: What are you? Evil and blind? Yeah, it's me. (Cole slowly covers over the manor's blueprints with some files.) Look, why don't you just admit that you're behind this. Admit it so I can use magic to fight you. Cole: I don't know, uh, I don't know what you're talking about. (She slams the door shut and walks over to his desk.) Phoebe: Look, Cole, my career is the most important thing to me. Okay, so is that your plan to take it away from me so that I come running to you for comfort? Cole: Phoebe, I love you and I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you? Or-or your boss, perhaps? (Phoebe gets so mad she throws all his files on his desk up in the air.) Hey, hey, hey, hey! Phoebe: I might not be able to use magic but... Cole: You're sexy when you're mad, you know. I can't wait until I get to kiss you again. Phoebe: Cole, I will never be with you again. I hate you, I hate you. Do you get that? Cole: Hate is good. It's passionate, intense, it's-it's-it's a breath away from love. (Phoebe laughs and throws a few more papers in the air before she spins around and leaves.) Ah, she's great. [Cut to the hallway. Phoebe storms passed Kaia, who's sitting in a chair, covering her face with a magazine.] [Cut to Cole's office. Kaia walks in.] Cole: What do you want? Kaia: Just to give you want you want. (Kaia morphs into Phoebe.) [Cut to the elevator. Phoebe is impatiently waiting for the doors to open. She gives up and uses the stairs. The elevator doors open and Piper and Paige walk out. They head for Cole's office.] Piper: So what are we gonna do? Paige: We're gonna tell him we're on to him and it's not gonna work. (They walk into Cole's office and see Cole and Phoebe making out on his desk. They watch in shock.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Cole's office. Hallway. Piper and Paige are there, looking grossed out.] Paige: I can't believe I saw what I just saw. Piper: Well, believe it 'cause I saw it too. Paige: How, why is she kissing him? Piper: I don't know but I say we go back in there and we pull her out by her hair. Paige: No, no, we can't make a scene. Okay, we need a plan. Piper: Okay, here it is. We go home, we vomit... Paige: And? Piper: That's all I got so far. Paige: Okay. [Cut to inside Cole's office. Cole and Kaia/Phoebe stop kissing.] Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, come on, baby, it was just getting good. Cole: Not good enough. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe and you should stop trying. Kaia/Phoebe: You're right. I'll never be as good, I'll be better. I know tricks the real Phoebe's never even heard of before. Cole: I've been patient with you up until now. This is the last time I'm gonna say this. Leave and don't come back. (Phoebe morphs into Kaia.) Kaia: You don't know what you're missing. (She leaves.) [Cut to the lobby. Dex is waiting by the elevators. Phoebe walks past him and he grabs her.] Dex: Hey! What did I tell you? Cole has some serious work to do and I will not have you distracting him. Phoebe: Cole... What the hell? Who are you? Dex: Get it through your thick head. The leader of the Underworld will never have a whore as his queen. Phoebe: Did you just call me a whore? (Kaia walks out of the elevators.) Dex: Kaia? (Dex shimmers out with Phoebe.) [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper, Paige and Leo are there.] Leo: There's not, there's no... Are you sure? Paige: Leo, we saw Phoebe and Cole tongues locked, hands groping all over each other. (She shivers.) Leo: Okay, didn't need the visual. Piper: Well, maybe he has her under some kind of mind control. I mean, he can do that, that's possible, right? Leo: Right. I think right now he could do pretty much anything he wanted. Piper: Why? What do you mean? Leo: Well, the Elders have sensed a major surge in demonic activity. They think that evil is organising under a new leader. Paige: Oh, that's just great because the last time Cole was the leader of the Underworld, he took Phoebe as his queen and we were completely blindsided by it that time too. Oh my god, that's why she didn't want me to try to vanquish him. Piper: She was talking this morning about being tempted. Paige: She was trying to warn us and we didn't even see it. Piper: Okay, this just can not be happening, people. I mean, Phoebe would not do this to us. I mean, it can not, can not, can not be happening! Leo: Okay, let's just calm down, okay. The last time Phoebe was evil she was under the influence of her demonic pregnancy. Piper: So what, you're saying you think she's pregnant again? Leo: No! I just think that maybe we're underestimating her. Maybe there's something that we're missing. Piper: Ugh. Paige: We saw what we saw. Leo: Okay, well, maybe she's under a spell. Or-or maybe there was some information that she wanted and she was using s*x as a tool. Piper: Okay, I like the sound of that. Slutty and manipulative, that's better than evil any day. Leo: So let's not panic. Let's talk to Phoebe and give her the chance to explain what's going on. (The clock chimes two o'clock.) By the way, Darryl called. Paige: Oh. [Cut to the police station. Jail cell. Paige orbs in bed. Darryl and a guard approach the cell.] Darryl: She's not ready. Guard: The judge won't wait. Darryl: Paige? (The guard unlocks the gate. Paige gets out of bed.) Paige: Oh, hey, guys, what took you so long? (She walks out of the cell.) Coming, Darryl? [Scene: Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Dex are there. Dex has a hold of Phoebe.] Phoebe: Ow! Hey! Dex: I wouldn't have to hurt you if you stopped trying to get away. (Cole appears in the room.) Cole: What happened? Dex: I mistook her for the other one and I said too much. I thought I'd bring her here until the end of the operation. Cole: Good thinking. (He throws an energy ball at Dex and vanquishes him.) Phoebe: Well, as much fun as this has been... (She heads for the door.) Cole: I'm sorry, Phoebe, but Dex is right, I can't let you leave. Phoebe: Leo! Cole: Save your voice. This place is magically protected. I can't have you people sensing what I'm doing in here. (He waves his arms and the windows and doors glow.) Now all the windows and doors are blocked. Please, sweetie, just trust me on this one, I don't want you getting hurt trying to escape. Phoebe: Alright, don't call me sweetie. You can't hold a person prisoner and then call them sweetie. Cole: You know, I didn't intend this. I just can't have you running off to your sisters and protecting the Nexus, okay? It is way too important for us. Phoebe: Wait, the Nexus? Cole: Dex didn't tell you about that? Phoebe: No, no he didn't. He just told me you were trying to reorganise the Underworld. Cole: Oops. Don't be mad. I only want the Nexus so that you can come back to evil and we can be together. Phoebe: Uh, Cole... Cole: I'm so sorry, I had to involve your work. I just needed you distracted while I ruined Piper's club and put Paige in jail. Phoebe: Paige is in jail? Cole: Listen, I'd love to stay and chat but all this considered I need to speed up my plan. Phoebe: Well, Cole, my sisters are gonna realise that I'm missing and Leo is gonna try to sense me and when he can't they're gonna come straight to you. (Cole laughs.) Cole: Um, thanks for the concern, but I think I've got my bases covered. (Cole waves his hand and Kaia (morphed into Phoebe) appears beside him.) Kaia/Phoebe: I knew you'd want me again. Cole: Ignore her. Phoebe: Oh my god. Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, no, not god, Kaia! Cole: Just listen to her voice. Phoebe: You're sick, you know that? You need help. Are-are you sleeping with me? I mean, her. Kaia/Phoebe: You're sick, you know that? You need help. Cole: Good. Phoebe: Oh my god. Kaia/Phoebe: Oh my god. Cole: Excellent. Come on, Kaia. (They head for the elevator. Cole picks up Phoebe's purse on the way.) Ooh, I'm gonna need this. (to Phoebe) There's some left over Chinese food in the fridge. (They walk into the elevator.) Kaia/Phoebe: So if you don't want me, then what do you want? Cole: I want you to go to Phoebe's house and pretend to be her for a while. Do your job well and you'll be amply rewarded. Kaia/Phoebe: For a while. (She curls her hair around her finger.) Why not just get rid of her and I could take her place forever. Cole: Beside from the fact that I love her, Phoebe is a Charmed One. She's protected by her powers, you can't just kill her, so don't get any silly ideas. And stop playing with your hair. Phoebe's more sophisticated than that. Now, go to the house and lay low for a while. I just need a little time to speed things up. (Cole disappears.) [Cut to the hospital. A room. The driver from the other car in Paige's accident is lying in a bed. Cole appears and walks over to her.] Cole: Did you sustain your injuries in an accident with Paige Matthews? Driver: Um, yeah, I guess that was her name. What are you, a lawyer? Cole: Yeah, that and other things. Driver: What? (Cole touches her forehead and she gasps for breath. She dies.) Cole: Sorry. Nothing personal. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Kaia/Phoebe walks in through the front door. Piper and Leo walk in.] Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, uh, hi, Piper. Piper: Don't you hi Piper me. I saw you. Leo: I thought you said you were gonna be calm. Piper: I am calm. Phoebe: You saw me what? Piper: Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Kaia/Phoebe: Trust me, it's not an act. Piper: We saw you making out with Cole. Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, well, that's just not possible, you see, because I'm pretty sure that I hate Cole, right? Piper: Phoebe, I am pregnant, I am emotional and I am freaking out. And if you are back together with Cole then that is just fine but do not deny what I just saw. Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, alright, then, uh, I'm back together with Cole. Leo: What? Piper: What? How can you say that? Kaia/Phoebe: Wh- I thought you said it was fine? Piper: Well, I didn't mean it and for god's sakes the man mummified you. Kaia/Phoebe: Whoa, seriously? Leo: (whispers in Piper's ear) Something's not right, her memory seems gone. Piper: Okay, that's a good sign. Now Phoebe, try and focus. Does Cole have you under some kind of spell? Kaia/Phoebe: Maybe. Piper: Maybe, maybe is good. Because magic we can fight, lust, desperation, insanity we can not fight, but magic we can fight. Leo: Unless you've used your powers for evil. Piper: Which you haven't, have you? Kaia/Phoebe: No, no, I don't think so and that would be the worst thing ever, right? Leo: Oh, yeah, we couldn't bring you back from that. Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, so this is what we have to do. You have to take away my powers so I don't misuse them. Piper: Yes. She's not evil, you're not evil. Leo: So you think Cole has you under his control? Kaia/Phoebe: Well, yeah, why else would I have kissed Cole? Oh my god, what has he done to me? Piper: Oh, no, honey, it's gonna be okay. Kaia/Phoebe: Yes, it is going to be okay, it's going to be okay once you take away my powers, you know, just to be safe. Leo: Piper, if you take away her powers she's going to be really vulnerable. Phoebe: But you guys can protect me, right? Leo: Well, I don't know. If Cole is reorganising the Underworld, you're gonna need the Power Of Three. Piper: No, as long as we're the ones to take it away we can bring it back but if Cole's got Phoebe under his control... Kaia/Phoebe: Yes, she's right. I am my own worst enemy. The sooner we weaken me the better. [Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe throws a candlestick at the window and it rebounds off the force field.] Phoebe: Leo! (She looks up and notices an air vent in the roof. She levitates up and grabs onto it, trying to pull it open.] [Cut to the manor. Parlor.] Piper: "This witch's power can not fight, the lure of evil's magic might, before misuse lands her in hell, remove the powers of Phoebe Halliwell." [Cut to Cole's apartment. A light floats out of Phoebe and she falls to the floor, hard, knocking her out.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe and Leo are there.] Piper: Well, it wasn't my best work but it should've done the trick. Are you okay? Leo: How do you feel? Kaia/Phoebe: Um, fine. Piper: So the spell worked? Phoebe: Why wouldn't it? Leo: You know, maybe you should try it out. Try levitating. (Phoebe puts her arms in the air.) Piper: What are you doing? Kaia/Phoebe: Well, I just thought I'd try everything. Leo: So you can't levitate? Phoebe: No, apparently not. That means the spell worked, right? Piper: I don't know, you're still kind of weird. Maybe the spell had a side effect? Kaia/Phoebe: Or maybe I just feel sick because I had to kiss Cole. Piper: Ah, that's my girl. Kaia/Phoebe: Yeah, maybe I need to go and rest for a little while, you know. Leo: That's a good idea. [Time lapse. Phoebe's bedroom. Piper and Kaia/Phoebe walk in.] Piper: Okay, honey, why don't you just lay down for a little while. Do you want some tea or something? Kaia/Phoebe: Tea sounds great. Piper: Tea, yes. (Piper leaves the room and closes the door behind her.) Kaia/Phoebe: Tea. Who drinks tea? (She locks the door and walks over to the dresser. She opens and drawer and pulls out a knife.) Knife in the panty drawer. My kinda girl. [Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe is still on the floor, unconscious. Kaia/Phoebe appears.] Kaia/Phoebe: Poor little witchy lost her powers. I should just put you out of your misery. (Cole appears. Kaia/Phoebe quickly tucks the knife in her pants.) Cole: What are you doing here? Kaia/Phoebe: I thought I should tell you that they know you're trying to reorganise the Underworld. Cole: I didn't ask you to report to me. What were you doing to Phoebe? Kaia/Phoebe: Well, she's lying in the middle of the room, I was making sure she's okay. Cole: Since when have you been worried about her well being? Kaia/Phoebe: Since she means so much to you. What, do you actually think I'd be stupid enough to hurt her? That wouldn't make you happy, baby, and you know all I wanna do is make you happy. Cole: If you want to make me happy go do the job I asked you to do. Kaia/Phoebe: Fine, bossy boots. Whatever gets you off. Cole: And when the time comes, make sure Piper goes to the bail bondsman. She'll refuse at first but you can convince her. Kaia/Phoebe: The bail bondsman? Cole: You'll figure it out. Now go. (Kaia/Phoebe disappears. Cole walks over to Phoebe and picks her up. He carries her into his room and lays her on the bed. He kisses her and disappears. Phoebe wakes up.) [Cut to the manor. Hallway. Piper is there knocking on the door to Phoebe's room.] Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe? (Phoebe opens the door, wearing headphones. She takes them off.) Didn't you hear me knocking? Kaia/Phoebe: No, I was listening to music to help me relax. Piper: Why was the door locked? (Leo walks up behind them.) Leo: That was Paige on the phone, things just got a whole lot worse. [Scene: Police station. Jail cell. Paige is sitting on the bed with a blanket wrapped around her. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe, Leo and Darryl are standing outside of the jail cell.] Piper: How did she die? I thought it was just a concussion. Darryl: The doctors think there was a blood clot in her brain. Paige: It's all my fault. Piper: No, it isn't. Paige: Yeah, it is, I killed her. Piper: No, you didn't, Cole did. Darryl: What? Piper: Look, I can't prove it but we found out that he has Phoebe under some kind of mind control, which means he's probably behind all of this. Kaia/Phoebe: That evil b*st*rd. Paige: He's killing innocent people. Piper: Alright, let's get you outta here. Come on, open this thing up. Paige: It's not gonna be so easy. Piper: Why? Darryl: When the other driver died, the judge charged Paige with vehicular homicide. He set the bail at fifty thousand dollars. Piper: Oh my god, where are we gonna get that kind of money. Leo: It's after six, the banks aren't even open. Kaia/Phoebe: Bail bondsman. We'll just go to a bail bondsman. Darryl: Just go. Do that light thing that you do. I will try to cover for you. Paige: What about your job? Darryl: It doesn't matter. You know, I should've believed you in the first place. I will cover for you. Phoebe: No, because if they figure out that Paige is gone, she will be in even more trouble. We'll go to a bail bondsman, that's what they're there for. Piper: Okay, maybe you're right but you don't have to be so cheerful about it. Phoebe: I'm just saying we can't leave Paige in jail overnight. You know, that's exactly what Cole wants, I'm sure. Darryl: For that kind of bail you're gonna need some heavy duty collateral. Leo: We can't use the club, 'cause it's, you know. Piper: Then we'll have to use the house. [Time lapse. Bail bondsman Office. Piper and Kaia/Phoebe are there. Cecil, the Bail Bondsman is sitting at his desk.] Cecil: This will cover the fifty thousand bail. Sign here and here. And, uh, I'm gonna hold on to the grant deed to your house. You'll get it back when the jail bird shows up for court. Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, it'll be fine. Paige won't skip bail. Cecil: Alright, just, uh, sign there. (Piper signs the paper.) Piper: This doesn't feel right. Cecil: It never does, lady, it never does. There's the receipt. Hold onto it. That's it. Your sister shows up for court you pay me back, plus ten percent. Piper: Let's go make this worth our while. (Piper and Phoebe leave the office. Cecil morphs into Cole. Cole looks at the deed, smiles and puts it in his pocket.) [Cut to the manor. Foyer. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe, Paige and Leo orb in.] Piper: Okay, people, let's move. The sooner we destroy Cole's headquarters, the sooner I feel better about this whole damn day. (They notice three demons lounging around in their living room.) Paige: Piper, we've got a bit of a situation in here. (Cole stands on the stairs.) Cole: Oops, I knew I forgot something. My mother always warned me about protecting my house from orbing. Piper: Your house? Cole: Yes, (he pulls the deed out of his pocket) you signed it, I have it. You could take me to court, try to evict me but by then it will be too late. Paige: Too late for what? Piper: Cole, I don't know what you think you're doing, but we have the paperwork that says the house is ours unless Paige forfeits bail. (Kaia/Phoebe holds up the receipt.) Kaia/Phoebe: Correction. (She walks over to Cole.) I have the paperwork. Paige: Phoebe, what's going on? (Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.) Piper: Oh, dear. (Cole waves his hand and pushes Piper, Paige and Leo outside. He wiggles his fingers and the front door slams shut, activating a force field.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Cole and Kaia walk in.] Kaia: I don't even get one little thank you kiss? Cole: You did well and you'll be paid for your efforts later. (Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.) Kaia/Phoebe: Is this what a girl has to do to get a little attention around here? She hates you. You said it yourself. So why fight for her when I'm here for the taking. Cole: You know, Kaia, I haven't killed you yet because I find you mildly entertaining, but soon the real Phoebe will be by my side and I'm not too sure that she'll feel the same way. So in interest of survival, I suggest you make yourself scarce. (Cole walks into the basement.) Kaia/Phoebe: Or maybe I'll just make her scarce. (She disappears.) [Cut to outside. The sidewalk. Piper, Paige and Leo are there. Leo is trying to sense Phoebe.] Piper: Okay, I said something about hell and I rhymed it with Halliwell. Paige: How can you not keep a copy of the spell you used to take away our sisters powers? Piper: It was a crappy spell, okay? So I left it in the house, alright? Forgive me for not anticipating the demonic foreclosure. Piper: What does he want in the house anyway? Is he after the Book of Shadows? Leo: I still can't sense Phoebe. Paige: Oh, god, do you think she's even still alive? Piper: Cole wouldn't kill her. I don't think. Paige: What about floozy Phoebe? Maybe she's got something up her sleeve? Piper: Are you trying to help or are you just gonna ramble? Paige: I'm just gonna ramble. Leo: Alright, Paige, that's enough. Piper, you need to work on the spell. If Phoebe is still alive, she's gonna need her powers. [Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Kaia/Phoebe are there. Phoebe is thrown against the wall.] Kaia/Phoebe: You don't deserve him. Phoebe: How many times do I have to tell you I don't want him. (Phoebe attacks Kaia/Phoebe and she blocks Phoebe's kicks and punches.) Kaia/Phoebe: (mocking Cole) I want the real Phoebe, I love the real Phoebe. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe. (The continue to fight and Kaia/Phoebe throws Phoebe against a mirror. Phoebe falls to the floor.) What do you think, witch? Am I as good as you? (She pulls out the knife.) Or better? (Phoebe gets up.) Phoebe: Okay, alright, look, I'm sure we can talk about this. Kaia/Phoebe: I don't think so. See, (she morphs into Kaia) I'm more of a looker than a talker. Phoebe: Oh, you're blonde, I should've known. Kaia: This is gonna be fun. (A light hits Phoebe and her powers return. Kaia throws the knife at Phoebe and she levitates in the air.) Your powers! (Kaia attacks Phoebe and Phoebe kicks her in the stomach, sending Kaia across the room. Phoebe grabs the knife and Kaia runs towards Phoebe. Phoebe stabs Kaia in the stomach.) Phoebe: You were right, that was fun. (Kaia is vanquished. Phoebe levitates up into the vent.) Leo! [Cut to outside the manor. Piper and Paige are there. Leo orbs in with Phoebe.] Piper: Hi! Paige: We're really sorry. Piper: Yeah, we're sorry. Paige: Sorry. Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe: It's okay, it's okay, I'm okay, I'm not mad. Well, maybe I'm a little bit mad. I mean, what took you guys so long and what happened to my powers? Leo: Uh, well, she looked like you. Paige: At the hospital you said you were tempted and that you didn't want us to vanquish him. Piper: Then we saw you making out with Cole and we all got a little panicky. Phoebe: Excuse me, did you really think I was making out with Cole? Paige: We mentioned we were sorry? Phoebe: You guys! Okay, well, I'm assuming since you're standing out on the street, that means Cole's in the house? Piper: Yeah, but we don't know why. Phoebe: He wants the Nexus. Piper: Oh, no, he does not. Paige: Wait, didn't I read about that in the Book of Shadows? Isn't that what made you evil before? Piper: How does he know about that? Phoebe: He knows everything about us. Okay, look, if he wants its power, he's gonna have to open the earth under the basement and take the shadow into him. Leo: Okay, so how do we stop him? Phoebe: Well, we can't, but once he has the shadow, there is a spell that can send it back into the earth and hopefully take Cole with him. Piper: Yeah, but it has to be said over the Nexus in the basement. Paige: Great, there's only a whole load of demons in the house and a force field keeping us out. Phoebe: But the one good thing about Cole's little girlfriend, who is dead by the way, she looks just like me. Paige: Wait a second, so you're gonna pretend to be her, pretending to be you? Piper: If you go in there, you'll be vulnerable. Phoebe: To turning evil? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's his plan. Look, you guys underestimated me once already today, please don't do it again. Piper: She twirled her hair. Paige: A lot. Phoebe: She twirled her hair. Like this? (Phoebe twirls a piece of hair around her finger. Piper and Paige nod.) Okay, I'm going in. [Cut to the porch. A demon guard is there. He rings the doorbell. Phoebe approaches him and takes his arm.] Phoebe: Hey, baby, wanna escort a girl inside? Demon Guard: Kaia, are you still playing good witch? Phoebe: It's the way the big man likes it. Demon Guard: Sick. (The door opens and Phoebe and the guard walk in. The hallway is full of demons.) Demon #1: Hey, look who it is. Phoebe: Hi, boys, did you miss me? Demon #1: Alright, the entertainment's here. (A demon touches her butt and she jumps.) Phoebe: Hey! Sorry. I'm just, you know, saving the goods for Cole. Take my jacket. [Cut to the kitchen. A demon guard stands at the basement door. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Step aside and let a lady by? Demon Guard #2: You're no lady, Kaia. And the boss sent you away. Phoebe: Yeah, but he didn't mean it. Come on, let me past. Demon Guard #2: I'll let you past if you can drop that witch act right now. (Phoebe kicks him and he falls down the basement stairs.) [Cut to the basement. Cole is there, chanting. The guard rolls down the stairs. Phoebe races down the stairs. The floor opens up and the shadow enters Cole. He gasps and his eyes turn black then return to normal.] Cole: I'm so happy you came. Phoebe: "I am light, I am one too strong to fight." Cole: Oh, don't fight it, Phoebe. Let evil take you. Phoebe: "Return to dark where shadows dwell, you can't have this Halliwell." Cole: It's no use, Phoebe. Phoebe: "So go away and leave my sight, and take with you this endless night." (A tunnel of wind rises out of the hole in the floor and sucks Cole and the Demon Guard into the hole. It swirls upstairs and sucks every demon into the hole. The hole closes up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Basement. Phoebe is there. Cole appears.] Cole: My sweet Phoebe. I don't know how you did it. How you got past the force field, past the guards, but I love that you did. It's that fight that made me fall in love with you in the first place. Phoebe: I thought you were dead. Cole: So did I for a minute there but now that I know the earth can't even hold me, I guess I'll just call the shadow and try again. Phoebe: You could do that. Hell, you could even turn me evil again. But you will never win because I'll never come back to you. Cole: Phoebe. Phoebe: You just don't get it, Cole, do you? I thought you were dead and I felt nothing. No pain, no love, nothing. I'm free. And when we do vanquish you, and we will, I'll never look back. (Cole disappears.) [Cut to the foyer. Piper, Paige and Leo walk in.] Paige: Okay, where are they? Where are the demons? (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Sorry, my sweeties, but they're all dead. Piper: You didn't even leave us one? Phoebe: Well, there's one left. Believe me, there is one left. But I was able to get back the house and keep Cole from getting the Nexus. Piper: Phew. What about your job? And my club? Leo: I think you can use your magic to reverse Cole's consequence free. Piper: Well, thank the lord for that. Paige: It won't reverse everything though. What about the woman he killed? Phoebe: I promise you he won't get away with that. [Scene: Demonic Strip Bar. Cole is there sitting on a chair. A dancer walks up to him.] Dancer: You asked for me? Cole: Kaia's friend? Dancer: Used to be. Cole: She tell you want I want? Dancer: You mean this? (She shapeshifts into Phoebe.) Cole: Yeah, that's it. (She moves closer and sits on his lap. She whispers in his ear.) Dancer/Phoebe: You just tell me what you want, baby. (Cole stabs her in the stomach.) Cole: That's what I want, baby. (The Dancer/Phoebe is vanquished. He looks at the knife and smiles.)
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New York is dangerous littered with thieves we've no morals here we just do as we please but I don't wanna go home where they all stare at me 'cause I'm tattooed and fired up and drunk and obscene. You wear your religion like a war sweater, you ask for the truth but you know you could do so much better and you sat on your fences and you screamed, "no retreat" so what will your legacy be? AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Julian : I love your daughter. I'm in love with her. Would you ask her to call me, please? I look closely to which speaks from pride. I love you I swear it I would never lie but I fear for our lives and I fear your closed eyes. 'cause you wear your religion like a war sweater AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : Well, you're here late. Victoria : Yeah. The competition never sleeps. Brooke : Any messages? Victoria : Uh, no. Nothing that matters. And you screamed, "no retreat" so what will your legacy be? And what will your legacy be? AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Sawyer: Ouain ! Lucas : Shh, shh. It's okay. Daddy's here. AT THE HOSPITAL Lucas : You know. If you keep letting these root-beer floats go to waste, I'm gonna have to start drinking them. I'm kidding. They'll be here when you wake up. You know who else will be here when you wake up is, uh... god, our beautiful daughter. She's, uh... You should see her. She's amazing, Peyton. But she needs you. And so do I. Come on. You promised. You promised. OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL Julian : You need to go home, Brooke. You've been awake for the better part of the last four days, and it's not healthy. Brooke : I need to be here when she wakes up. What is that? Julian : Every fashion magazine I could find. Brooke : But you just said Julian : Yeah, but I knew when I said you needed to go home that you'd say you needed to be here when Peyton woke up, because you're stubborn, Brooke Davis. Brooke : You don't know me. Julian : I think I do. Brooke : She needs to wake up. AT RED BEDROOM RECORDS Mia : Yeah, I know. Everything's fine. Just, you know, call if you hear anything, okay? Thanks, Haley. Chase : No word? Mia : No ... word. Lucas must be so freaked out. Chase : Peyton's a badass. She'll be okay. What you got there? Mia : My new record. Chase : Let me see that. My girl's such a rock star. You did good, Mia Catalano. Mia : We did good ... me and Haley and Peyton. Peyton really should be here for this ... Red bedroom records. Can I help you? Um, Peyton's not here right now, but ... she'll be back soon. AT THE HOSPITAL Lucas : You know, I, uh ... I'm in a little... I'm in a little over my head here. I took her home, and, uh ... I'm doing what I can, but... but she needs her mom. I need her mom. She doesn't even have a name. We were supposed to do that together. I can't do this without you. And I'm just ... afraid ... that we're gonna lose you, and it's just gonna be the two of us. And she doesn't even have a name. Peyton : Sawyer. Her name's Sawyer, okay? Lucas : Okay. Sawyer Scott. God, you scared me. Oh, my god. Brooke : Peyton. Peyton : You said you would disown me if I left without permission. Brooke : Yeah. I'm about to be your second-best girl when you meet your new one. Peyton : Is she okay? Lucas : She's beautiful. Peyton : Can I see her? Brooke : She's right outside. Hang on. Lucas : I should get the doctor. Peyton : No. I just want it to be you and me and our daughter for a minute. Lucas : Okay. Karen : Well,well. Lucas : Mom. Karen : My baby's had a baby. And she's beautiful. Peyton : Hi, Sawyer. Do you remember me? I missed you. I'm gonna love you forever. She's perfect. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : Hey, dad, when you get back to Charleston, tell Nino he needs to stop shooting so much, okay? Nathan : Nino's not there, buddy. Jamie : How come? Did they fire him? Nathan : He's playing for the clippers now. They called him up. Jamie : When are they gonna call you up, dad? Nathan : I don't know, Jamie. Maybe never. Jamie : It's okay. At least you're still a chief. Nathan : Yeah. All right. All set. Jamie : I'll take it. Nathan : Thanks, buddy AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : What's that? Brooke : Sam's new home. Julian : I miss that girl. Brooke : Yeah. So I guess you have to be getting back to L.A. Julian : Yeah. I mean ... I mean, we're prepping the new movie. Brooke : Yeah, I haven't even asked what it's about. Julian : You know, boy meets girl, boy loses girl. Anyway, it was great getting to spend time with you, Brooke, even considering the circumstances. Brooke : Yeah, you too. Thank you ... for staying with me. Julian : Yeah, well, I wanted to make sure Peyton was gonna be okay. Brooke : Of course. Well ... Lay your ray down you're the one. I could run, I could run for the life of me but where would that get me? Where would that lead? I'm a fool for waiting so long 'cause you come around, come around come around, come around to me there's something in between you and I Julian : I love you, Brooke Davis. I love you so much. Brooke : Don't say it. Just kiss me. You feel like breathing come around, come around, come around, come around to me. Can't you see you're my life? AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Karen : Do you want me to take her so you can get some rest? Peyton : Mm, no. I want to hold her forever. Hey, Karen, thank you... for the way you raised Lucas and the man that you taught him how to be. Karen : You're welcome. But I was just being a mom. You'll see. Come around, come around, come around, come around to me come around to me AT MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth : Hey, what are you doing down here? Millicent : I don't want to go back to New York. Mouth : And I don't want you to go back to New York. Millicent : But I have to. Mouth : I know. Millicent : I'm just gonna have to talk to Brooke. Mouth : And say what? Millicent : "I don't want to go back to New York. " Mouth : Straight and to the point. I like it. Come on. OUTSIDE LUCAS'S HOUSE Karen : I remember sitting on these steps, talking to you about joining the ravens. Lucas : That seems so long ago. Karen : It feels like yesterday, actually. Lily wrote you a letter. Lucas : She's writing already? What, was she born, like, four days ago? Karen : No, that was your daughter, dad. Lucas : Yeah, whatever, grandma Karen. Karen : Look, I know you can't stay, but before you go, I just really ... I really wanted to say thank you. Karen : Lucas... Lucas : No, no, no, no, no, no. You helped me through all of it. And you were selfless and strong. And ... if I'm half the parent that you were, then Sawyer is gonna be just fine. Karen : She's gonna be more than fine. Lucas : Remember how you always told me to see the magic in the world? I still do. AT THE GYMNASIUM Man : Nate? Bobby wants to see you. Nathan : What happened to all my stuff? Man : Bobby wants to see you. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : What are you doing home? Nathan : Do you remember that green dress you wore to the Maths-ketball school for Jamie? Haley : The Oppenheimer school. Yeah. Nathan : You look amazing in that dress. I was thinking we could take a trip to charlotte. You could wear that dress. We could take Jamie. Haley : Nathan, what happened? Nathan : I'm not on the Chiefs anymore. Haley : I'm sorry, baby. Nathan : It's okay. What do you say, Haley James? Want to take the boy to Charlotte? Maybe we could see a basketball game? I mean, I kind of have to be there anyway, considering ... I'm the Bobcats' new point guard. Haley : What? Nathan : I'm the point guard for the Charlotte Bobcats. I got called up. Haley : You're in the NBA? Nathan : I'm in the NBA. Thank you. Thank you for believing in me, Haley. Haley : Thank you for being worth it! AT WITHEY'S HOUSE Dan : Please. I assume that's loaded. Withey : I bought this gun hoping to see your face again. I'll just say you broke in, came at me. Dan : You'd be doing me a favor. Withey : You look like a haunted man. I heard you have a heart problem. It's not surprising. You've always had a heart problem. Dan : I wish I'd gone back in that game ... the state championship. When I look back at my life and see where it all went wrong, that's where I always end up ... fourth quarter, time running down, sitting on the bench at the state championship, and refusing to play. At night, in my dreams, I do go back in. And in my dreams, I take it back. All of it. And then I wake up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that day and every day since. I'm sorry for what I did to Keith ... and to the people who love him. Withey : Did you ever love him? Dan : Not enough. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Hi, Sam. It's me. No, everything's fine. I was just thinking about you, and ... and I was wondering ... How's your life? Are you happy? AT MOUTH OFFICE / SCOTT'S HOUSE Jerry : New lead coming out of commercial. Mouth : Is this for real? Jerry : Yeah. Mouth : Woooo : Sorry. Nathan : Jamie, sports is up next. Jamie : What's the big deal? I got wifi on my phone. Haley : Get over here and watch with us. Mouth : Last night in the NBA, the Charlotte Bobcats quietly made a move that most sports fans wouldn't have noticed, adding a point guard to their roster for the rest of the season. But we're leading with that story because this point guard is a local legend who overcame adversity and difficult circumstances in pursuit of a dream. Last night, the Charlotte Bobcats called up a former Tree Hill Raven, a great guy, and a good friend, Nathan Scott. Jamie Scott, hug your dad for all of us because he just made it to the NBA, and we couldn't be more proud. In other news around the league, the Los Angeles clippers are ... Haley : Jamie. Jamie : I knew you could do it! Nathan : You're gonna kill me before I even play in a game, buddy! AT WITHEY'S HOUSE Dan : I was supposed to be dead months ago. I used to wonder why I was still alive. And then I realized ... I'm not. I'm dead. And this is my hell. Lucas got married and had a baby girl. And Nathan ... he's got Jamie. And I get to see the happiest moments of their lives, but ... I don't get to feel those moments. I don't get to be a part of their lives. Withey : You created that, Danny. Dan : Pull the trigger. Take the pain away! Please. Please. Withey : Maybe you're still here for redemption. OUTSIDE WITHEY'S HOUSE Withey : There's still time, son. Nathan : I just came to tell my coach I made it to the NBA. How you doing, coach? Withey : Good to see you. It's a great surprise. I see you're keeping in shape. AT BEDROOM RECORDS Chase : This track is awesome! Mia : Thanks. Chase : And the record officially drops tomorrow? Mia : Tomorrow night. Sinning in New York City. Chase : And then ... you tour. Mia : For a couple months, yeah. Chase : Listen, I ... I know you're gonna go on tour and this record's gonna blow up, and just know that art of me wants to be really selfish with you. But I'm not gonna be that way because ... well ... because the rest of the world deserves to see your greatness, too. Mia : My heart's ... not going anywhere. Chase : Promise? Mia : Promise. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Millicent : Mia's new record? Brooke : Yeah. It's really good. She's actually doing a signing in New York tomorrow night. Maybe you could go ... Millicent : Yeah! Brooke : About that ... if you weren't gonna be here in tree hill instead. Millicent : Wait. What? Brooke : The store's gonna be back up and running soon, and I need you here to run it. Millicent : But what about New York? Don't you need someone there? Brooke : I do, but your boy is here. OUTSIDE LUCAS'S HOUSE Dan : Hi, Peyton. Peyton : What do you want? Dan : I just wanted ... could I hold her? Peyton : No. Why? Dan : Because she's the only one in my world who doesn't know what I've done. Peyton : Just for a second. Take your last step. Dan : I'd forgotten what it was like. She's so beautiful. What's her name? Peyton : Sawyer. Dan : Sawyer Scott. And now, said max, let the wild rumpus start. Peyton : Where the wild things are. Dan : I used to read it to Nathan. It seems like another life ago. Peyton : It was. Dan : I know you're gonna have to tell her about me someday. I'm sorry for that. Hallelujah for these eyes she your painted life. Hallelujah for the touch of skin to skin with mine. Hallelujah for this mind that keeps our souls combined. Hallelujah for this life that let me be your child have your mind, have your strength to stay alive keep your eyes open with mine now oh, no. You followed the road AT MOUTH'S OFFICE Millicent : How would you like your old roommate back? A face without words can last a lifetime it's never the same so don't say goodbyes that last forever now hold on just for a while but I'll be by to see you someday soon now please hold on tonight oh, 'cause I'm old and I don't know why. Hallelujah for these eyes AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Victoria : Tell me about ... Julian. Brooke. What kind of man is he? Brooke : The kind who's gone. Hallelujah for this mind that keeps our souls combined now. Hallelujah for this life that let me be your child. AT THE CIMETERY Nathan : I finally made it, Q. Something tells me you already know that. I miss you, buddy. Oh, and, Q, you're right ... It's a comeback. Thank you. You're a traffic light of fire you're a man who I believe will never die AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Brooke : Hi. Peyton : Hi Brooke : Luke around? Peyton : No. He had to take Karen to the airport. She had to get back. Brooke : She's so beautiful. Peyton : Yeah, I kind of like her. Brooke : So how does it feel, P. Sawyer? You have a family now. You ... you have this whole other life to look after. Peyton : It feels just like I dreamed it would. Brooke : Can I hold her? Peyton : Yeah! Got her? Brooke : Oh, yeah. Hi, Sawyer. I'm your aunt Brooke, and I am gonna spoil you. Yes, I am, Sawyer Scott. Peyton : Sawyer Brooke Scott. Brooke : Really? Peyton : Yeah. Brooke : See, I always knew you were a Brooke. And it is a really good name, baby Brooke. Peyton : Just like I dreamed. And what about your dreams, Brooke Davis? AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : Are you going somewhere? Victoria : Back to New York. The designs are excellent. The new line should stabilize the company. There's nothing left for me to do here. There are a few things that I need to leave you with. We need to call our publicist and arrange a series of interviews announcing your return to the company. You need to speak with the people at red and organize some sort of charitable contribution. And you need to fly to Los Angeles and tell that boy that you love him. Brooke : What? Victoria : When I was young, there was a boy who loved me, and I loved him back. But he wasn't from my circle of friends, and he was different than what my parents expected ... so I let him go. And not a day has gone by that I don't regret it. Brooke : Why haven't you ever told me this? Victoria : Because I've been a terrible mother. I have a daughter who is ... strong and bright, kindhearted, so beautiful ... and I've nearly broken her with my inability to open my heart. But I haven't broken her. She's just as strong and beautiful and kindhearted as ever. She simply misnamed her company. Because if this boy Julian loves you ... and you love him ... That's all that matters. That is the most important thing. And the clothes can wait. Victoria : This is for you. Brooke : What is it? Victoria : It's the company. It's all yours ... 100%. Brooke : But why? Victoria : I'd rather have my daughter than a company. Brooke : But you loved this company. Victoria : Yeah. I did. And I was wrong. I should have loved you more ... and the company less. I just didn't know how. Brooke : Mom? I want you to stay on ... and run things from New York. Victoria : You're keeping me? Brooke : You're good at what you do. And besides ... you're my mother. Victoria : My daughter. My daughter. I love you so much. And I'm so proud of you. AT MOUTH'S OFFICE Jerry : 60 seconds, Mouth. Mouth : Thanks, Jerry. Thanks. I thought you took off. Millicent : I just wanted to watch my boy work. Mouth : I like that ... being your boy. Millicent : I like it, too. Skills called. They're gonna watch the game with us. Mouth : Great. Sounds perfect. Millicent : It does, doesn't it? Jerry : We're back in 10! Mouth : God, I love my life. A full slate in the NBA kicks off tonight with the Charlotte Bobcats, who recently called up Nathan Scott. The team says that Scott will take his physical ... Mouth : Take a look at yourself in a mirror. Who do you see looking back? Haley : Is it the person you want to be? AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : You made it. Nathan : We made it. Dan : Or is there someone else you were meant to be ... the person you should have been, but fell short of? Mia : Is someone telling you, you can't or you won't? Because you can. AT NEW YORK Chase : Could you write, "Thanks for the 45 seconds of heaven"? Mia : 30. Wait for me? Chase : Hell, yeah. Chase : Believe that love is out there. AT THE GYMNASIUM Man : From the university of maryland, 6'2" point guard, wearing number 12, Nathan Scott! Nathan : Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do. Peyton : Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life. AT LOS ANGELES Man : We're gonna try the lights now, okay, Julian? Julian : Okay. Brooke : You told me that someday I'd be ready to let someone in. I think today mean to be "someday". Julian : Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do. Julian : If this was a movie, you'd kiss me right now. Brooke : No. I'd say, "I love you," and then I'd kiss you. I love you. Brooke : Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do. ON THE ROAD IN THE COMET Lucas : Take a ride with me, Peyton Sawyer? Peyton : Don't you mean Peyton Scott? Peyton : So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy, because you deserve to be. Believe that. Lucas : And believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.
doc_6
Glenn: Lola, we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you don't have cancer. Lola: Ohh! Glenn: Cat just put nair in your shampoo. Cat: Because you ate my lunch from the refrigerator. Glenn: And the bad news is, she also put a chemical in your iced tea which turns your nose into a tennis ball. But it only lasts a second. So basically, everything's okay. Everything's okay. Owen: Chief! Can't you see I'm busy? Chief: Sometimes I wish I was a mirror. Lola: Hey, Dori, my round sheet is empty. Is that a mistake? Dori: Doesn't look like it. Owen: This place is empty. What gives? Dori: There are no admissions today, and we just discharged the last child. Cat: Are you saying there are no more patients left in the hospital? Beth: Guys, what do we do with all our time? Sy: Listen, I'm going into town to register the new ambulance. Glenn: Sy! Sy! Sy! Before you go, there are no patients left to treat. Any extra tasks you need us doing? Sy: As a matter of fact, thank you, Glenn. There's a lot of things to be done. First off, the organ supply room needs cleaning. Blake: I'll do it! [ Laughs ] Psych! Sy: Wear gloves this time. Blake: I'll do it my own way. Sy: And then, most importantly, the patients' records, all right? Now, look at this -- completely disorganized. These have been handed down from administrator to administrator. You know how important this is to me. Glenn, will you take care of reorganizing this entire room? Glenn: I will not let you down, sir. Sy: I would never have asked you, son, if I didn't believe in you. Chet: Are they falling in love? Owen: Yes. Sy: All right, Glenn is in charge, everybody. Sy: You know what, Lola? That is a great idea. The animal-testing lab is filthy. Lola: [ Scoffs ] Should have said, "I'd rather clean the Dylan McDermott lab." Sy: Who's gonna come with me? It's a great adventure. Dori! Perfect! Dori: Ohh! Sy: Let's go! Blake: Hey, Rosa. Working hard or hardly working? Rosa: [ European accent ] Oh, somewhere in between, Mr. Dr. Downs. Blake: I see what you're saying. You're not working as hard as you can be, but you're certainly not working. Rosa: [ Chuckles ] Blake: Oof. This uterus expired on Tuesday. You know what? I figure we have a 10-day grace period. Rosa: Expiration dates are really just suggestions. Blake: I like the way you think, lady. Rosa: You know, being around all these organs is making me hungry. Would you like to come to my home for lunch? Sal: Attention, staff. My dick. That is all. Lola: Hey, chief. Chief: Oh. Owen isn't interested in me. Do you think he noticed I use a walker? Lola: Oh, I'd love to girl-gab, but I just injected all these stem cells into that handicapped monkey. [ Screeches ] Chief: He doesn't need glasses or his walker?! [ Gasps ] Stem cells cure handicaps! Mama want! Lola: No! Chief, no! Oh, God! Chief: [ Gasping ] Wait a minute. I don't feel anything at all. Thanks for nothing, whore! Lola: Wait. Chief. Think fast! [ Gasps ] Amazing! Chief: Oh, my God. Lola: Look at that. Oh, my God. Chief: I'm cured! Stem cells? What a great idea! Glenn: [ Laughs ] Okay. What do you say, guys? Let's get busy! Cat: I'm not doing donkey dick. Glenn: Look, Cat -- Chet: What part of "donkey dick" don't you understand, ass-kisser?! Glenn: All right. So, how do you want to do this? My favorite letters are I, T, V, Q, and S, so, obviously, I'll take -- aaaah! Oh, my God. For a second there, I thought that was a real airplane. What's the deal, Cat? Cat: Glenn, this is a free day! I mean, do you really want to spend it organizing records, or do you want to spend setting them? Am I right, guys? [ Peppy music plays ] [ Music stops ] Okay, let's go! [ Music resumes ] [ Both laughing ] Glenn: Come on, guys! Are we doctors or are we... Dart doctors? [ Music continues on radio ] No! No, no, no! The ladies' room is right there! Sy, where are you? Owen: Ha-cha-cha! Whew. Ooh. Hey, there. You new at this hospital? Chief: In a way. Owen: What's your name, beautiful? Chief: My name? Uh, I-- it's... it's, uh, uh... [ Sneezes ] Chief: My name... Ooh, I -- ouch. It's, uh... hey. Chief: Uh...it's chief. Uh, chief...Smith. Owen: Oh. Well, we have another lady here named chief, but she's ugly. Chief: Oh, really? Owen: Yeah. She's about as ugly as a big pile of poo. Chief: Oh. Owen: Mm-hmm. She's so ugly, a poo takes a her. Chief: Hmm. Owen: If a dog wanted to eat his own poo, he would make a mistake and eat her. Chief: Yeah. Owen: For all intents and purposes, she is poo. Chief: Ohhh. Owen: When she goes to the toilet store, they tell her to "go around back 'cause that's where we let the poo in." Chief: Oh, God. Owen: If you do a Google image search of the word "poo," pictures of poo show up, but then there's a picture of her. Mm. Crazy people smear her on the walls. Chief: There's more. [SCENE_BREAK] Rosa: Hi! Hi. We're hungry, mama! We're hungry! Rosa: They're saying they're hungry. Blake: Yeah, yeah. No, I heard them. They spoke English. Rosa: Come and sit. Back in Ukraine, I was hospital administrator. I loved it so. Oh, thank you, grandma. I work at Childrens just to be around the administrating. Blake: Sort of like a lower-stakes "Good Will Hunting." Rosa: Exactly. Blake: Yeah. [ Laughs ] Mmm. This soup is incredible. Is there a secret ingredient? Rosa: Oh, yes. [ Chuckles ] Love. [ Folk music plays ] [ Laughter ] [ Up-tempo music plays ] Cat: Glenn, come on. Let yourself go. Glenn: Ahh... Cat: Dance. Glenn: Oh, you know what? You're right. The files can wait. I got to dance! I got to dance! [ All cheering ] Lola: Whoa, Glenn! Chet: Yeah! Lola: All right! Cat: What?! Glenn: Hey! Pool! Pool! Aah! [ All cheering ] Lola: [ Vomits ] Glenn: Free day! [ Laughs ] Blake: Thank you so much, Sasha. Really nice meeting you, Andrash. And you, too, Tiffany. Don't ever change. And you... [ laughs ] This day has been wonderful. Rosa: No! Blake: But we -- we have a connection. I'm Robin Williams, you're Matt Damon. Let's make love, like they did in the movie. Rosa: No! No! I don't like you like that! Please, Dr. Blake, leave! Blake: Let me kiss her on the mouth! Rosa! No! No! No! No! Mwah! Mwah! No! [ Both laughing ] Owen: I'll tell you what, chief Smith, I'm gonna go get us some mai tais. Don't you go anywhere. Chief: Don't you worry. Both: Rowr! [ Both laugh ] Chief: Mmm. Lola: Hey! Think fast! [ Gasps ] Chief: Wait a minute. Let me put on my -- my glasses. Owen: Poo chief, where did chief Smith go?! You got to help me find her! Chief: Her is me! Her is me! ♪ For your sins ♪ Glenn: Hey, Blake, where have you been? Blake: Well, let's just say that I've been to another world and I fell in love, and it was not mutual, and I was forcibly removed. Cat: Aw, sweet. Glenn: Are those patients' files? Cat: Yeah. Glenn: Why are you throwing them into the fire?! Cat: Don't you get it? I don't know. [ Cellphone vibrates ] Glenn: Sy's on his way back. Lola: If only any of us knew something about administrating, then we could fix this. Blake: Wait a minute! Guys, I have an idea. Wait right here, okay? Do you have a sec? Rosa: No. Blake: Come on. Everybody, this is Rosa. She's my girlfriend. She can fix this. Rosa: Not your girlfriend. Blake told me the situation. We would have to re-create all the files by calling every patient and getting their medical history. It's impossible. Glenn: Oh, I failed. Blake: Impossible? [ Laughs ] Nothing's impossible if you follow your heart. Not even love. Cat: Hi. I'm calling from Childrens hospital. I was wondering, were you ever a patient here? Beth: And when was his last vaccination? Blake: What do you think your weight was in 1975? Lola: I'm still at work. We have to re-create these stupid patient files we burned in a hallway campfire. Owen: She's so ugly that monkeys take her out of their butts and throw her at people at the zoo. Cat: And that's it. We did it! Lola: Ohh! Cat: We did it! Glenn: That's it?! We replaced all the files? Cat: No, just this one single file, but you act like it's not that impressive. Sy: Glenn! What the hell happened here?! Cat: Sy, it's fault-- Glenn: No, Cat. Cat: Oh. Glenn: I got to own this. Yeah, we burned the files. And we'd do it again, 'cause, news flash, Sy -- I don't want to run your hospital, 'cause as a surgeon, I make sick money, and you live in a condo at the Harborlight Mall. Sy: I admit it. I was wr-- I was wr-- I was wro-- Glenn: Sy's having a stroke! Everybody come quick! Chet: I got it! I got it! Lola: No! No! No! Blake: Thank you, Rosa. You've been great. Rosa: I did literally nothing and nothing got fixed. Blake: Eh, tomayto, tomahto. Sy: No, I just had trouble saying I was wrong. It's a tic. Eh, it's a living. Sal: Attention, staff. When I say "That is," you say "All." That is... that is all.
doc_7
Gabe: Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat. Dwight: Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don't you just take estrogen? [swallows powder] [coughs] There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? [kisses bicep] Mwah. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They'd flex them all night at the discotheque. Dwight: Oh, I bet you think it's all about core, huh? Gabe: Yeah. Dwight: Oh, please. Gabe: Core's critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One - lengthen. Two - elongate. Jim: Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who's the strongest? Well, there's only one way to solve that - flat curl contest. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go. Dwight: Feast on this, Lewis. Gabe: I love the burn. The burn is where I live. Jim: Come on, Gabe, you can't handle his hamstrings. You're getting hypno-thigh-zed. Gabe: Speed set. One. Two. Jim: Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows. Dwight: Oh, thank you. Jim: You're welcome. Gabe: Five. Six. Jim: Quick phone call from you guys, keep going, All: Eight, nine, ten. Gabe: We got it? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Very funny Jim. Gabe: Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies. Robert: Everyone, conference room, now. [Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over] Jim: All right, easy there, grandpa. Dwight: I don't need your help. Jim: Okay. You don't need my help? Dwight: Here, here... Just... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Morning. Erin: Hey. Andy: Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot... these. Erin: Oh. Andy: You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone. Erin: Andy, if you're gonna hang out for a while, uh... Andy: What's this? Erin: This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in. Andy: Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me? Erin: No, of course not. It's just - I think it's like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it's like, where does it end? So just... [puts visitors tag on Andy] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they're rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it's a little much? ...Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that's what it feels like. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game. Dwight: Good, we have a deal? Jim: Thanks Janet. Dwight: Thanks so much Earl. Jim: Wow, simultaneous sale. Dwight: And they said it couldn't be done. Boom! Jim: Screw 'em. Andy: Lot going on guys. What's happening? Jim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs. Andy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo. Jim: Hey, hey, come on, language. Dwight: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes. Jim: In the fridge. Dwight: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt. Jim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients. Stanley: You two better watch yourselves. Phyllis: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients. Robert: Shh... shh... [vomits in trash can] Jim: Robert? Oscar: Why did Binghamton close? Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and - how should I say this - Columbian whites. What - what is this about, uh, Binghamton? Kevin: The branch closed. Forever. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: I got your voicemail. From - from last night. Robert: Wonderful. Nellie: And the answer... is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. [leaves] Robert: Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn't hold the memories in? Pam: Oh, it was this summer - Robert: Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said. Pam: Um, I am a little busy. Robert: Yes, 'course. Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me. Pam: Yeah, I can make you a list. Robert: Let's do it now. What's number one? Pam: Why don't I help you now? Robert: There we go. Pam: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [Andy cooking food by reception, Harry walks in] Harry: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute? Erin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names? Dwight: And you are... Harry: Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse. [shocked look from Jim] Harry: What the hell's all this? Andy: Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato. Harry: You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one's that guy? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it. Dwight: Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to - how do I put this - steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud. Jim: Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money. Dwight: Yes. Jim: Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. [shows sketch] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [pointing at Toby] There he is. That's Lloyd. Toby: Me? Creed: Yeah, you. [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: Where do you get off crossing state lines? Toby: Now, we're actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn't back down from anybody. And he calls people "Kimosabe". [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: They're New York. We're New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That's the way it's always been. Jim: There's actually not a rule that says that. Dwight: That's true. Toby: That's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands? Toby: No. Dwight: Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could've choked so many people by now. Harry: Stay out of my state. It's in your best interest to stay out of my state. Toby: I've seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast. Harry: Just stay out of New York, Lloyd. Toby: Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. [runs outside] Jim: How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this? Harry: Robert's here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don't think we were doing that. Dwight: Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim's leg. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol - Oh. Andy: [Doing dishes] Sorry, not Jim. Robert: Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida? Andy: Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries. Robert: Oh, for god - Harry: Robert California. What a surprise you're here in Scranton. Robert: Harry... Harry: So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place? Robert: How do you mean? Andy: I forgot, a... a pan, uh - Harry: No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead. Robert: Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There's no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems... so poorly timed. Dwight: Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say. Harry: Listen, Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions - Dwight: Don't listen to him. Harry: Used to be Binghamton's - Dwight: Nope. Harry: I want it, it's mine. Dwight: Prestige is ours. Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert. Harry: We need you to make a decision. Dwight: Make a decision. Robert: I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said... [Andy walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. [walking to car] I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one. [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: Is it just me or is our boss a freakin' weirdo? [stands up, walks outside] I'm gonna get some air. Dwight: Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first. Jim: [Gets up and looks out Nellie's office window] He's running! Dwight: Damn it! Jim: Damn it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Wha - what is this supposed to be? Jim: It's a monkey. Dwight: Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose. Jim: Hold on, hold on. Is this him? Dwight: What? Jim: Is that him? Dwight: It's him! Do something! Get out! Jim: What? What am I gonna do? I don't - Dwight: Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. [Jim opens passenger door] That's it? Oh, that's great. That's like a five second delay. Jim: Dwight! Dwight: Come on, let's go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos. Jim: Nos? You mean like in fast and furious? Dwight: Yeah. Jim: Oh, yeah, definitely have nos. Dwight: Hit the nos. Jim: Are you sure? Dwight: Yes. Jim: Brace yourself. 3... 2... Dwight: Got it. Go. Jim: 1. Here we go! [turns on wipers] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O. Receptionist: Oh, do you have an appointment? Andy: No, I do not. Receptionist: Okay, I think I can squeeze you in. Andy: Seriously? 'Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you. Receptionist: He's really not that busy. Mr. Ramish: Is there someone here to see me? Receptionist: Yes, this man. Mr. Ramish: Come on in. [Andy walks in] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: So...what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight? Nellie: Oh. Oh, I'll tell you what he does. Angela:: [walks in] Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don't worry, I won't lay an egg. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela:: Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela:: I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk. Gabe: Did someone say girl talk? [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines. Nellie: Do you think I'd like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish? Gabe: Uh, I think you're gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It'll be upsetting if you don't. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I'm a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs. Mr. Ramish: Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references? Andy: No. I'm a rogue. Mr. Ramish: Uh-huh. Andy: Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now... [pulls out business card] I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime. Mr. Ramish: Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number. Andy: Of course they have. Which is why I'm giving you a key to my house. [gives key to C.E.O] Whatever you need - anytime, night or day - you just stop on by. Mr. Ramish: You want me to drive to your house if I need paper. Andy: Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe... you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. [takes off belt, ties doors together] Dwight: [Running] Ahhh! [Slides into elevator] Jim: You all right? Dwight: Yeah. [Doors about to close, hand stops them] Oh. Jim: Ah! [Harry walks in] Jim: [Dwight pushes button for floor two] Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: Go, go! Take the stairs! Now! Jim: What are you talking about? Dwight: Just run! Take the stairs! Jim: I don't even know where the stairs are! Dwight: I'll stall him. Go! Jim: God! Harry: [Dwight jumping] What are you doing? Dwight: I'm gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We'll be stuck between floors for hours. [pants fall down] Oh. [Jim runs in] My pants fell down. Jim: What? Dwight: My pants fell down! I don't have a belt! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [walks into lobby] Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Mr. Ramish: What's going on? Dwight: Well - Harry: Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse - Dwight: I was here first. Mr. Ramish: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Dwight: I already made an appointment... with your secretary. Mr. Ramish: Let me stop you all right here. I've already picked a new paper supplier. Dwight: Wait, it's not D.M Utica, is it? Mr. Ramish: No, no, it's not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It's... Big Red Paper Company. Jim: Big Red Paper Company? Mr. Ramish: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Yes, yes, yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: Give me a cup of coffee. Dwight: Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst? Jim: All right, guys. It didn't work out for any of us, so... we're still on the same team. Let me get these. Dwight: No. Let him get his own. It's Syracuse money. Harry: You know, your partner's got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating? Dwight: Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years. Jim: But you're saying there's a chance. Dwight: Shut up. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [Walks into conference room] Hey. Robert: Hmm. Pam: I stole Nellie's phone. Robert: Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery. Pam: What do you want from me? Robert: Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's "yes, yes, yes, yes, never." Phone: Hi, Nell, it's mom. Do keep your chin up. It can't be as bad as you described. Robert: Oh yes it can. Phone: This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections. Robert: Shopaholic. Pam: Sounds like it. Robert: Yeah. Phone: Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you? Robert: Ah. Phone: This is Annie from second nests. I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we're gonna hold out for that. Pam: Okay, that's enough. [grabs phone] Robert: Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this. Pam: No, no, no! Robert: No, come on. Pam: Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They're all deleted. Robert: Pam, Pam, you've completely bungled this! Pam: Ah. Ahh. [walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Nellie: Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal? Pam: Um... yes. Definitely. With your hair - Nellie: Oh! Pam: Certainly. Um... you dropped your cell phone. Nellie: Oh, gosh. Pam: Yep. Nellie: Thank you. I'm... so stupid. Pam: No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything. Nellie: Oh, god, Pam. Don't get me started. Pam: No, I will not. Nellie: You've just got me started. Robert... is... a filthy beast. I mean, don't you get the feeling, he's just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you? Pam: Well - Nellie: I mean, the man talks of nothing but s*x. Pam: But sometimes he talks about flesh... and bacchanals. Nellie: I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night. Pam: No... don't. Just put it out of your mind. Nellie: Pam, what is your address? I'm gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don't - Nellie: Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And... I have a new friend. A friend. At work. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: [Erin opens door] Erin. Erin: There's a call for you on line one. Robert: Who is it? Erin: He says salvation. No last name. Robert: Yeah, hello? Andy: [in car] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer. Robert: You're blackmailing me. Andy: It's just business. Robert: Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the *bleep* lizard king. [disconnects] Andy: Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. [gets out of car, walks to house] David: [opens door] Andy Bernard. Andy: You got a minute? David: Um... I'm in the middle of a piano lesson. Andy: I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin. David: Dunder Mifflin. [closes door] Now... why would I want that? It's worth half of what it was three years ago. Andy: Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today. David: Why don't you come in? [Andy walks in, closes door] [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: So what would you do if you weren't selling paper? Jim: Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions. Dwight: What? Jim: Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine. Dwight: How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don't even care about nationals. Harry: Nothing? Jim: I don't know. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you? Harry: I'd like to sell one big thing, you know? Like... a plane. One sale, I'm out. Jim: That sounds lovely. Harry: Anyway, Robert's gonna run this company into the ground, so... We won't be doing this in six months.
doc_8
[In a shop in New York City] Jenny: So you, you deliver the dresses and I take the accessories. Seller (showing ornaments of jewels): You have chosen which one? Jenny: Oh, no! I'm helping Blair. I am not invited, then we'll see. Seller (hooking him a bracelet on your wrist): See! In case. Jenny: Oh! Seller: We put it on the note of your friend. Jenny: Oh, uh no, no! Seller: The girls invited to the ball are our best customers. You will be our model of an evening and you will make us the bracelet after. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the room of Blair] Serena: Kati told me about custom corsets, crowns, wigs ... What is this madness? Blair: This is a masked ball. The goal is that nobody recognizes. But I expected a little something extra for Nate tonight! It's a game, a sort of treasure hunt. It will begin with an index, which will take him to a lady of honor, which will lead to a second index ... Serena: Wait, wait! You got the ladies? Blair: If he finds me before midnight, before the masks come off, the treasure is for him! Serena: And what is it? (Blair a mischievous smile) Oh! Well yes, I'm stupid. Sorry. Blair: You know, j'me myself that after all that happened, or rather all that is past, I had to do a little effort. Serena: I find it very romantic B. Really. And if you do not want me to come tonight I would understand ... Blair: Oh, but it will not! No! You can not not be there. In fact, I want you to give the last index. Will you be my maid of honor? Serena: What! You really want to be me? Blair: I see this event as a new beginning. J'te J'lui trust and have faith. Serena: Well, I'd be more than honored to serve you Majesty! Blair: Either way you go with Dan? [In the kitchen of Humphrey] Dan: A ball? Rufus (Jenny looking package all required): You knew that your sister's name was Cinderella? Dan: And I bet your charming half-sister is Blair Waldorf! Jenny: It's true that she asked me a few services but I'm glad to help. Rufus: And she has to thank you with a prompt and a dress? Jenny: I would have deserved. The ballroom, the costumes ... it's gonna be insane! It's weird that Serena you have not mentioned. Dan: But why? This is not because we went out twice together we are forced to remain glued to each other. Jenny: Well I must deliver it all. Let me know if you need a tuxedo! Dan (Rufus just looking at him): Well what! This is a masked ball, she must say that I will find it rather ridiculous, proving that she knows me pretty well. [In the room of Blair] Serena: I know! Wait, a masked ball! I know, I know he will find it completely ridiculous. You imagine a wolf and a tuxedo, frankly? Blair: We adore you! To go out with you would be able to do anything. Even wearing a dress my mother if it is. And then not worry, I'm sure he has nothing planned tonight. Who would ever think to invite this guy? Serena: You're disgusting! I know. In fact, it might be better if there's masks, as if it y'en high school who hates it and recognize them well. Blair: Come on, invites Dan Humphrey. That's an order! [In the kitchen of Humphrey] Dan: I did not say that I would not. Serena invites me if it would be rude not to give it my company. Rufus: It would be very cruel! Dan: But she did not invite me so ... Rufus: If you want to accompany him, what to do. Be a little daring. Dan: The festival takes place in a few hours. I have more time to really prepare myself for the idea of being bold. Rufus (Dan's cell phone ringing): This is Serena? Dan: Oh no, it's Vanessa! Rufus: Vanessa! Been a long time. You pick right? Dan: But if, of course I'll win. (On phone) Hello! Vanessa? Vanessa (on phone): Winner! It's me. Dan (on phone): So what's new? It's going to Vermont? Vanessa (on phone): You always have my book "The Crying of Lot 49"? Dan (on phone): Uh ... I know. Vanessa (on phone): Will you check? Dan (on phone): Uh ... right! It's been over a year that has not spoken, you make me an old book ads! [In Dan's room] Dan (on phone): I know where I belong. Vanessa: Look at the window! Dan: Vanessa! Vanessa: Surprise! Dan: Wow! But I can not believe it! Vanessa: How are you? Dan: I can not believe it's great. -What are you doing here? Vanessa: My parents let me live with my sister that I finish my studies here. Dan: So that means ... Vanessa: I came to stay. Dan: Wow! It is ... Vanessa: A great new hope? Dan: Oh yes! Wait it is! Yes, of course. It is still unexpected. This is unexpected news. (His phone rings) Oh! Vanessa: Go pick up. I'm starving and I can smell waffles. Rufus! Rufus: Vanessa! Vanessa: Surprise! [In the room of Dan / Blair's Bedroom] Dan (on phone): Serena! Are you okay? Serena (on phone): Hi! Are you okay? Uh ... Blair: Go go ahead. Serena (on phone): Uh ... I actually wanted to know if you had anything planned tonight? Dan (on phone): Uh ... Tonight? Nah, nah, nah, nothing. Why? Serena (on phone): Super because I have a night, finally you will surely find it completely sucks, but ... Dan (on phone): Always try. Vanessa: Even cooler, these waffles are screaming! The kitchen of Rufus failed me. It's true! Hey Rufus! You got whipped cream? Serena (on phone): Who was that? Dan (on phone): Uh ... It is my sister. What-you wanted to tell me? Jenny (arriving in Blair's room with an armful of bags): Hi, this is me! You want me to ask it where? Blair: It's good, you can put it all here. (Showing a small table) I left you a different list. Jenny (taking the list): Ah! Dan (on phone): Hello! There was someone? Serena (on phone): Excuse me, uh ... What? Dan (on phone): Uh, you were going to ask you something. Serena (on phone): No, uh ... no. Dan (on phone): Are you sure? Serena (on phone): No, forget it. Thank you. I must leave you. Dan (on phone): Oh, okay. Serena (on phone): Bye. Vanessa: Well, what do we do tonight? Serena: I need a partner! [SCENE_BREAK] [In entry of Archibald] Howard: Damn, Anne! I thought I said no starch. Anne Howard! It's been 19 years we're going in the same dyer. Your shirts are ironed as usual. You know it's not that get upset. Howard: What annoys me is that I want to be perfect for the evening Eleanor. I'm not allowed to make mistakes. Anne Eleanor knows that you are best placed to introduce his company public, it's you she will choose. Be yourself, it will be fine. Howard: Well, j't'appelle office, huh. I must reread the offer. Nate: Mom! Anne: Oh, Nate! Nate: Is that-Dad is in trouble? Anne: Tales of the work, not worry about that. Nate: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [On the streets of New York City] Vanessa: Wow! I love New York. Y'avait cinoch one 'and they went to Woodbury as films for kids: "Babysittor" one year showing. Dan: Well, Vin Diesel has to be funny after all. Vanessa: I can not make up my mind, there's too many things. I rather prefer that you choose. Dan (evasively): Yes, as you will. Vanessa: You, you do not want us to go to the movies? You were perhaps other projects like a wild s*x with all the rich kids of your private school waiting their inheritance wisely? Dan: Yeah, besides the limousine is waiting for me. Vanessa: Cool! We will tag the tires or even die! So, it makes you weird me being there? Dan: No, why? Why it would make me weird? Vanessa: Because. You told me some things when I'm gone. Dan: Things you immediately asked me to withdraw. Vanessa: Because j'quittais New York, but now I'm here. Dan: Yeah, except it's been over a year, you see. It's been a lot of things in a year. Vanessa: And I hope you'll tell me everything! Tonight? Last meeting? Angelica? Any chick that ... Vanessa & Dan: Unless sittor Baby! Dan: Okay, I'll book. Vanessa: It's cool to see you Humphrey! Dan: J'te do not say. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the office of Howard] Chuck: What is you're looking for exactly? Nate: Evidence. Chuck: What? An aversion that your father committed to starch? J'compatis to death, inherit the neck collar. You have asked about the money had disappeared? Nate: Yes, he told me he had made the transfer of accounts. The next day, everything was normal. Chuck: Then why you worry? Financial transactions a bit dodgy, parents who yell at ... this is our daily lot. (A packet of drugs from the book falls into the hands of Nate) Chi Chi breaks the coconut! I'm in shock! I thought that you did not use as tea. Nate: It's not for me. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room of the Waldorf] Blair: Oh no, but that he takes what Dan Humphrey! Serena acted as if nothing had happened but j'vois although she drools. We need to find him someone. Kati: But we will not have time. Isabel: The best ones are already taken this evening. Blair: Stop you scroll! Serena deserves to get hotter. If he has other plans: he cancels them. If he has a girlfriend: it has dropped. And if it is at the other end of the world, chartered a private jet-it! Not disappoint me. Interior decorator: Ca you please? (Proposing a hookah) Eleanor: It is a wonder! Oh! Blair: Do-it was a bang, mom? Eleanor: Honey? Blair: I did not know you was addict! Eleanor: It's a, a hookah. And it is wonderful. It goes with the Moroccan theme of my evening! Blair: Why you transform our house into an opium den to celebrate your contract with Bendel? Eleanor: Why not? [SCENE_BREAK] [On the streets of New York City] Blair (on machine): Hi this is Blair! Sorry not to respond to you I'm getting ready for the masquerade ball! So this evening, if you recognize me, which I doubt. Ciao! Nate (on machine) Hi B. It's me. I, uh ... I really need to talk to you is, this is about my father and, uh ... We must, I wanted to talk to you then call me as soon as you have a second. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room of the Waldorf] Jenny (laden with parcels): Uh, I think everything is there. Blair: Thank you're an angel. I do not know what I would have done without you. Jenny: Nah, it's nothing. I thought it was funny. Blair: Good! Besides that you learn things. (Seeing the bracelet Jenny) And you seem to learn fast: very pretty bracelet. Vintage, right? Diamonds seem true. Jenny: That's because they are. The head of the shop lent me. Blair: Why did he do this? (Jenny embarrassed) Oh my little Jenny! You do still not believe that you were coming tonight? Jenny: I was hoping for a bit, maybe ... Yeah. Blair: You know that the graders are not going to a masquerade, it is the rule. Jenny: Yeah I know but as I saw that there were five dresses ... Blair: Oh! This is the bare minimum. Think I do a stain or tear my dress! Jenny: Yeah, sure. I should remember. Have fun tonight! Blair: It's yes. And not be sad, your time will come, I promise! Well let j'te I must prepare myself. [SCENE_BREAK] [In Serena's room] Lily: Do you think Eleanor Waldorf will find this place enough folk? I have a doubt. Serena: Go with a goat! Eleanor hates us to do things by halves. Lily (seeing the ball dress of Serena): I feel that too. Serena: Wait, me about it! In Waldorf, the theme party is perpetuated from mother to daughter. Lily: You're not with Dan? Serena: Uh ... Nah. Dan is already taken tonight. Lily: But by what? Serena: The question is: by whom? Lily: Han, I had not realized. In fact, to be honest, it relieves me. At your age, do not deprive themselves of papilloner. Serena: You can talk about you! It is your rider sexy tonight? Lily: What? Nah, you're kidding. Who do you want me to go! I'm going to try this dress and see if I can find a goat. Edward (by mail) "Hi Serena! Kati Farkas gave me your email. " Serena (by mail): "Oh! Hello! Who are you? "(Looking at his profile) You're not Dan but never mind, it will do. [In the living room of Humphrey] Dan (answering machine): Hi Jenny! I have a great scoop for you: Vanessa returned to New York. We will s'faire a movie tonight, so I know not if you go to the ball or not but I wanted to know if you wanted to come. So uh ... I'm gonna book it. So, call me. Gossip Girl (his blog): "Calling all White Knights! Why friends of Serena Van Der Woodsen to find him a suitor? Fairy tales are they at this point out of fashion for the princesses are reduced to simply a replacement? I may be old fashioned, but to be a happy end, the knight must sometimes move your ass and seal his faithful steed! " [In Serena's room / In the living room of Humphrey] Edward (by mail): "So what do we do tonight? " Dan (tuxedos on site): It is perhaps time to be bold after all. Serena (by mail): "You have a mask? " [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room of the suite of Van Der Woodsen] Serena (opening the door): Nate! Hello! -What are you doing here? J'croyais that you were, uh ... You're going to be late? Nate: I'm sorry to bother you, it's ... You got a minute? Serena: Yes, of course. Between. Nate: Thank you! Serena: Yes. (Nate having him tell it all) It may be an old remnant, something that dates back 80, a memory of a night at the Limelight and the Tunnel ... Our parents were more crap than us. Nate: This is recent. Yes, and I'm not surprised one second. I reckon my father to problems frica. Serena: You tried to tell him? Nate: Yeah. In fact that annoys me is that it makes me believe that all is well. Looks like my parents have signed a secret pact to act like robots. Serena: I do not think this is a secret pact if it. I think all our parents have signed it. Nate: It's okay, I'm more a kid. He let me stay away. Serena: Look, if what you believe is true, it probably should be scared. So it will take you to be a little more perseverance if you want it to really listen to you. (Nate annoyed) Hey, not give up! (Nate taking his hand) It's better that you go. I must prepare myself and all that. Nate: Yeah, uh ... I, too, and I thank you for listening. Serena: It's nothing. Yes, that's normal. Nate: Chuck wanted to test the merchandise and B. messaging was on so it was cool that you're here. Serena: At your service. See you tonight, okay? Nate: Okay. At any time! Ciao! [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room of Humphrey] Vanessa: Hey! Is it-I can enter? Rufus: Oh, hello! You go out with Dan tonight? Vanessa: We're gonna get a movie. And you're going where? Humphrey in a suit and tie. Hmm, I smell a tryst but ... Rufus: But my wife left me. Vanessa: Yeah, but what-happens with Allison? Dan told me she was still in Hudson. J'croyais it was like for the summer. Rufus: J'le thought also. Vanessa: Oh, I see. We'll talk another time, it looks complex. Rufus: Where-I f*cked my keys? Vanessa: You do not need keys, the window of Dan this is simpler. Where he is anyway? Rufus: It will not be long in my opinion. So, uh ... Dan looked pleased to see you. Vanessa: Why? It surprises you? Rufus: Well, uh ... if I may, when you're gone, you've broken her heart. Vanessa: And bah I got home. I hated living away from New York, and away from Dan. Rufus: You told him? Vanessa: No, not yet. But I plan to tell her tonight, before or after the movie, I know not yet. I have found yet. It will not be obvious. Rufus: Yeah. Vanessa: Hmm ... (finding the keys to Rufus) Rufus: Oh! Thank you! Uh ... You know it, uh ... he spent a lot of things in your absence. Vanessa: Yes, that's what Dan said. Rufus: But you've always been close. I'm sure it'll get. Vanessa: Wish me luck! Rufus: You too! Vanessa: So where are you going dressed like that? Rufus: Oh, it's just a party. Vanessa: With a friend? Rufus: Uh ... It's not quite the word I would use. See you later! Vanessa (his phone rings) Hello! Dan (on phone): Hey, where is this-that you're in? Vanessa (on phone): I'm with you. Dan (on phone): Oh! Oh, you're ahead. Vanessa (on phone): Yes, j'pouvais not wait. Dan (on phone): Uh ... I tried to reach you before you go, I want a lot. Vanessa (on phone): Because I'm ahead? Dan (on phone): Nah, because, um ... I, I completely forgot that I had an essay to do for Monday so I'll work all night, but, but I rattraperais. Promised, swore! Vanessa (on phone): With Pierogi? Dan (on phone): J't'appelle tomorrow. Vanessa: Jenny! Hello! Jenny: Hi! (Starting in his room) Vanessa: Jenny, what does that matter? [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room of the Waldorf] Rufus (arriving with Lily): Remind me why I must see it as a favor! Lily: Rufus! Look around you. Since when you did not attend the greatest figures of our world? Enjoy it to make you understand, to revive your career faltering, for your little gallery became a place in disaster. Rufus: Han, you've become the patron saint of former rock stars! Lily: Oh yeah? You were a star? Listen, go away if you want, j't'assure. Allison would probably furious to know that you come with me this evening, even if it's in your best interest. Rufus: J'me care what Allison thinks. Lily: So much the better! I'll introduce you to our hostess. Eleanor! Eleanor: Ah! Lily: This is divine! Really, it's like to Marrakech. Eleanor: Oh Lily! Nan but what a surprise! I did not know if you would be in good company. Lily: Oh! Eleanor: Is not he cute! Rufus: I'm not ... Lily: It's Rufus Humphrey. Eleanor: It is a pleasure. Rufus: Enchanted. Lily: That's good couscous that I see there? Eleanor: Yes, help yourself! Bart (accompanied by Carissa): Hi Eleanor! Eleanor: How are you? Miss Magic! Lily: Wow! Rufus: Have you seen anything? Lily: No, it's nothing. I love her dress. Bart: Lily! Lily Bart! Bart: Good evening! Rufus: Hi! Bart: Uh, I present to you Carissa. Carissa: Yes, enchanted. Carissa! (Reaching for Lily) Lily (the greeting): Hi! Rufus: Rufus! (Shaking hands) Carissa: Magic! Bart: Well, well, glad to have seen you. Lily: Yes, me too. Bart: Good evening. Lily: You too. Carissa: Good evening! Rufus: You and Bart Bass? Ah, j'comprends better! This is to make him jealous that you invited me? Lily Han, j't'en please! This is ridiculous. Rufus: You know I find it pretty quite flattering actually. But you could have found better than me. Lily: Not in so little time. Howard: Eleanor! Salamalikum! Eleanor: Oh! Howard: How are you? This evening is fantastic! Eleanor: Thank you, you're an angel. [SCENE_BREAK] [In Jenny's room] Vanessa: So basically, this girl makes you a slave? Jenny: Nan, her maid instead. Vanessa: That's what Jane Austen called slaves. Jenny: At the same time she ever said that I would go to the ball. I render him service or not. Vanessa: Hin, hin! Do not try to find excuses, after all you did you deserve to go! Jenny: J'croyais that you found the masked balls totally cheesy! Vanessa: This is only my opinion. But if you really want to go, it's not that girl that will prevent you. Jenny: Nothing to it, I mean, I even have a dress! Vanessa: I have a friend who works as a costume designer at BAM, we will pay it. What else? Jenny: I have no invitation. Vanessa: We go through the door. What else? Jenny: If Blair sees me she'll be furious! Vanessa: So this is a chance that you wear a mask. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the ballroom masked] Gossip Girl: With us on the side of the Upper East Side, appearances can be deceiving. Keep your eyes open and beware of familiar faces! [Before the ballroom masked] Jack: Welcome! It is here or there? Dan: Well, that's where the lights and zigzag over there it's cars, it avoids them better. Wait, you will see clearer without this stuff! (Him touching his mask) Jack: Yeah, it's not stupid. Dan: Hi! Hey, what's your name? Jack: Jack Hartmann! Dan: Hi Jack Hartmann! I went out into the air. Vigil of the ball: Oh, okay. (She opened the gate) Dan: Thank you! [In the entrance to the masked ball] Vanessa (doing so will pass quietly by the back door): Thank you! (Looking at holding Jenny) Well, let me see. Jenny: Look, I know that you disapprove of worldliness to death these rich kids and all, but ... Vanessa: I'll reprogrammerais any hour. (Taking the mini-bag and giving it a Jenny fan) That I care, it's hideous. Go, go! Vanessa: Han, thank you! [In the ballroom masked] Blair: We'll start the party girls. Gossip Girl (Serena dancing with Edward):-What did I tell you about appearances? Oh yes, they could be misleading! Dan: Oh! Gossip Girl: But mostly, we do believe that what we see. [In the entrance to the masked ball] Vanessa: Hey! You would not see my girlfriend? It was me who his bag and I have his key shot. (A guy the ball making him "no" to the head) [In the ballroom masked] Blair: Nah, but what does that makes Nate? He should have found Kati & Isa '! It's late and I cooled! Chuck: You're stunning beauty. If I was ya man, I would not need clues to find you. Blair: That I doubt it for a second. Chuck (watching Jenny): Who is this chick? Blair: Probably the kind that embeds the tape. Chuck: This is the kind I like. Blair: Forget it! Nate go get and put it in the right direction. Chuck: All in good time. (Starting to see Jenny) Blair: Han! Chuck: Hi dear angel! You must be my lucky charm. (Seeing her wrist) And I have a lucky charm that has taste. Jenny: It seems not, since I speak with you! Chuck: Beautiful and cruel. Everything I love. You could dance with a poor devil? Jenny: We could burn this step and find a quiet corner. Chuck: I'll take out the champagne. Jenny: And I the quiet corner. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the living room of the Waldorf] Howard: Introduce your company public is a huge responsibility and it is better to rely on his first impression. It is even you who taught me, Eleanor! Eleanor: You know I adore you, this is not the problem. But you have no experience in this field. I met with counselors in Calvin and I must admit that I found remarkable presentation. Anne: Enough about business, you are bored our hostess. I thought of one thing when your daughter is fiancera with Nate, I would offer him the ring of my great-grandmother. Eleanor: The Van Der Bilt in that person had given him! (Looking at the ring) Han! Rufus (LED watch Lily Bart): You keep the spy! Lily: But I not spy, I just wish that's all informed. Rufus: So long as thou hast seen it, it will have the advantage. If you want to make a man jealous, there's only one thing to do. Lily: Rufus, I had invited you here for full of reasons but not for your talent ... advisors conjugate (Rufus kissing) It was rather unexpected. Rufus: J'lui gives 20 minutes. Rufus & Lily: I need a drink! [SCENE_BREAK] [In the ballroom masked] Edward: So now, every time we see their yacht, you are obliged to operate the fog horns until they leave. Serena: Wow! Edward: In the long run, it's almost a trick to disgust you to spend the summers in Newport, I assure you! Serena: Ah bah yes, it looks, uh ... horrible! Edward: It has the. Serena: Uh, listen, will you apologize? I, I guess it's better than ... Dan: What you change your partner! Hello! Serena: Dan! -What are you doing here? Dan: I just help you. Serena: I do not need to be rescued. Dan: Oh yes! Yet watching you, I vaguely felt that you were passing a tough time! Serena: Dan! Nate: Yes? Kati: B. sends us. Isabel: It's late and she is tired of waiting for you. Kati: The maid of honor is far less than you think. The fairy of pink feathers and black, it is she who will guide you. Hmm, that's it! Isabel: It's me! Nate: What? Uh, sorry? Kati: You got to find Serena, she has the final index. Nate: Serena, yes. Chuck: Boo! Jenny: Let's play? Chuck: I'd do a good strip poker but I forgot my cards. Jenny: J'préfèrerais a game of hide and seek. You hide, I search. Chuck: And how will you find me? I have no stones to cast. Jenny: Well, you can always help me by spreading your clothes. Chuck: I must surely be dreaming. A guy from the ball (to Vanessa): It's going to you? (From Vanessa) Dan: Hey Serena! If you-like-. Serena: Why did you get Dan? Dan: Why did I come! I ran through the town, I rented a tuxedo, I stole this mask to a poor guy that was even able to stand ... I have to get tricky here, all because I want to you. Serena: It's not the impression I had this morning when you've lied about this girl! Dan: What? Wait, wait, I, I have not, well ... in fact so. Serena: Yeah. Dan: I lied but I can explain. Serena: Go ahead, but apply yourself. Dan: Well I was with my friend Vanessa. We were very close, she moved here last year and she has just returned. Serena: So, why is it that you told me that it was Jenny? Dan: Because I'm stupid! I do not know, I know why. Vanessa and I were there ..., there are reports that are a bit complicated. Finally, who were. And then I met you, you. To be honest, somewhere, I was secretly hoping you would ask me this stupid masquerade. Serena: Well, I planned to invite you. Dan: Yeah? You're telling me that you will not marry this pretentious snob? Serena: You're telling me that between you and Vanessa it's over? Dan: That's exactly what I say. Gossip Girl: Oh yes! It is by far my favorite part of the ball! When the masks come off and the truth comes out for all to see. (Vanessa attends the scene) Dan: You'll excuse me? This is the last person I expected to see here. Serena: Yes, how not to follow! Dan: Excuse me! Vanessa, Vanessa! Hey! I was not expecting to see you here. Vanessa: It's funny, I was gonna say the same thing. Dan: What, are you doing here? Vanessa: J'travaille on my dissert 'for Monday. Oh, oh no, it's you! J'confonds. Since when we lie to each other? Dan: Nah, that's not it. I simply failed to tell you the truth. Which is a lie even worse than the other makes. Vanessa: Humphrey! Dan: I did not understand either. I am a little confused. And what-you wanted me to say? I went to go rent a tuxedo at a masquerade ball when I had neither masks nor invitation, all that to go find a girl that she had a mask, an invitation, and a jumper! Vanessa: It would have been honest. Dan: You hate this environment! Vanessa: You too. Finally, this is what I thought. Dan: I do not understand, uh ... we need you to explain. You've followed so far to prove that I am a liar? Vanessa: Yes, Dan! That's why I'm here. I've tracked down so far because I am completely obsessed with you, and then there is this time that's why I came back to New York because I was just thinking about you day and night ! Dan: OK, I understand, you can stop. Vanessa: It's going, do not worry, j'me breaks. Hello! Dan: Wait, wait! If you-like-, wait! Listen, I want. I want to have you lied about tonight. Vanessa: You said you loved me. Dan: That's, that was before you leave. I was a prepubescent teen when I told you that. Since there are many things that have changed. Vanessa: I see it! You do not do things by half, anyway. (Hence) Serena: So that's ... Dan: Vanessa, yeah. It is ... Serena: Super nice. Dan: I gotta go, excuse me! [On the roof of the ballroom masked] Chuck: You heaters! I'm getting closer. Jenny: I found your pants! Chuck: Then you burned. I'll eventually catch fire me if you continue like that. Jenny: Do not worry, you will not be long before you cool! Chuck: Yeah? -What do you mean by that? (Jenny key to closing the door) Hey what the hell was that! Hey! My laptop is in my fute! I'm stuck here poor idiot. [Before the ballroom masked] Dan: Vanessa! Vanessa, wait-if you please! But why not wait for me, huh? (Calling out a girl like Vanessa) Oh! Because you are not Vanessa, sorry. I'm sorry, simple mistaken identity. Congratulations Dan! She even wears no mask. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the entrance of Waldorf] Rufus: Lily! You were hiding there. Lily: I needed to isolate myself a little in view of what ... Rufus: The kiss. Lily: Yes. How to say, j'me sense ... Rufus: Nostalgic. Lily: nauseous. Rufus: Okay. Whew! Lily: Nan, j'te Charie. Whatever, I'm sorry but I have Rufus, then I would perhaps not have to invite you here. Rufus: I see, uh ... As for me I'm sorry to have kissed but I did it out of devotion for that idiot playboy realizes how much you're more attractive than his pretty young conquest. The freshness of youth passes, whatever I have to admit that you escape completely to this rule. Ultimately, he would bite his fingers. And I thought he deserved to know what it is losing you. I know how hard it is. Lily (seeing approaching Bart): I think it worked. Bart: Lily, I can talk to you a moment? If you let it. Rufus (seeing Lily and Bart away): Wow! Do not thank me. Bart: What is happening Lily? Why do not you say anything? This is serious ... Lily: It does not concern you. Bart: I will bring you back, come with me. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the women's toilet masquerade] Serena: Jenny? Hello! Jenny: Serena! Uh ... You've not seen, right? Serena: Yes, do not worry about that. There are lots of things I'll try to remember to have seen tonight. Jenny: It's not going to air. Serena: I do not know. Dan gave me a surprise coming. Jenny: Ah bah it's great! Serena: Yes, except that I was even more surprised when I saw him run after a girl named Vanessa. Jenny: Nah, it's her best friend! Serena: Yes, bah it looks to be a bit more than that. Tell me there was something between them? Jenny: I reckon. Finally, yeah. But Dan never liked a girl like he loves you. The proof: he came to a masked ball. I reckon he would be willing to go anywhere with you. Except perhaps to "Holiday on Ice" is one of her worst childhood memories! Serena: You know, I guess I should go find him. Except that it will not be easy to find someone with that stupid mask that is not in place. Jenny: I Want you spin well but mine is better that I stay hidden if I want out of here incognito. Serena: We exchange if you want? Jenny: Okay. Serena: Thank you. Oh! (Giving him his vest) And I want you file it. It's so hot here, and you risk being cold if you go out, like. You've had fun tonight? Jenny: It could not be better! Serena: Great! Jenny (standing out hair): Okay! Serena (handing him the hair in place): Wait! Jenny: Thank you. Serena: Very nice. [In the ballroom masked] Nate: Serena says nothing in particular, let me explain. Jenny: Oh sh1t! Nate: Look, I tried to reason with me, but I can not. I know that every two to Blair but still I'm gonna have to tell him the truth. I only think of you. I tried to forget you but I am unable. If you do not stop me I'll kiss you. Serena: Nate! Nate (Jenny escaping): But ... Serena: But what-are you doing? Should you find Blair. Well, never mind we drop clues, she wears thigh boots and a large golden tiara. Go go! Hurry. Blair: Serena, do-Have you seen Nate? (Jenny escaping from his grip) Hey! (Grabbing the wrist of Jenny) Everyone: 5,4,3 ... Blair: Jenny. Everyone: 2.1 ... Kati & Isabel: It's midnight! The mask off! Dan: Serena! (Jenny escaping) Serena, Serena! Wait, wait! I'm sorry, Sere ... [Before the ballroom masked] Chuck: Little Jenny Humphrey was able to put my ass in the air without my taking the fun! I must say it is an achievement. Blair: Fortunately another s*x maniac came on the roof, otherwise you'll always be there. And no, I do not know what you did to have this Tuxedo. Come on, I go. Nate: Hi Chuck! See you tomorrow. Blair: Hin, hin! You did not find before midnight, the evening ends there for you. Nate: Look, I'm, I'm sorry. Blair: All I wanted was that reparte zero. And you have not even tried. A guy from the ball (with Kati & Isabel): It's going girls? Chuck: Well at least there is one who spends a good evening. Serena (on phone): Hello! Dan (on phone): Serena! Do-you can at least tell me if-you-please? Why did you run away like that? Serena (on phone):-What are you talking about? It is you who have fled. Dan (on phone): Uh, I think not. A beautiful blonde with a yellow dress and a fur vest, there is one and Serena Van Der Woodsen. Serena: Nah, not tonight. Dan: Well, for information you must know that I like you. You and only you. Serena: And well it's cool because I feel the same. Dan: That's settled. Serena: Well ... It seems that "Holiday on Ice" It will stop in New York. Dan: Oh! If you want to go, so I want to go. [SCENE_BREAK] [In the office of Howard] Nate: Hey! You are still standing! Howard: We are celebrating something. Anne Eleanor Waldorf has accepted the company of your father takes care of its IPO. Nate: Great! It's a new superb. Anne: Yes, indeed. So I went to get something to open this bottle were kept for a special occasion. (Showing the bag of drugs) And that's how I found this. So what? Can you tell me what's it doing there? Nate: How so? Anne: Well, it's not me, it's not your father either. And since we are only three in this house ... [SCENE_BREAK] [In Jenny's room] Dan: Hey! We do not sleep? Jenny: I'm not tired. Dan: Oh! I'm completely exhausted. You know I went to the ball after all! Jenny: Oh, really? Dan: Yeah. Jenny: Your evening is complete. There's someone for you. [In Dan's room] Vanessa: A pierogi? I came in peace. Dan: So much the better because I'm starving. Listen, ... Vanessa: Forget Humphrey! Do not pretend to be embarrassed, you look not. Anyway, it is I who owe you an apology. Dan: Nope not at all, it's me. I should tell you about Serena. Vanessa: I should have been more curious. Dan: And I should not have to lie to you tonight. Vanessa: And I should not have run away so fast. Well, if you want us to be friends as before, we will have to rule certain things. Dan: You're right. It made me miss having a girlfriend. Vanessa: And I missed it to be one. Trying to focus on the essentials. Dan: Like what? Less bullshit and more pierogi? Vanessa: And you make me a summary of everything I missed. Serena kind ... Dan: It's good! It is almost as fabulous as these pierogi! The only concern is that she has a mother, you see a little goofy, which I do not gifts. And then there's also her best friend with whom I have great difficulty, but so much evil. But the worst is when there's the boyfriend of her best friend, well then it gets complicated. Because they went out together ... Vanessa: Oh yeah? Dan: Actually, he was in love with her best friend too ...
doc_9
Originally written by Adam Chase [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.] Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies? Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.) (Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.) Chandler: Okay, I'm not gonna have one. Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.) Phoebe: No, no, it's just my tooth. Chandler: All right I'll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,) Ross: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one. Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't see him. Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists. Ross: Why? Why can't you go to him? Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies. Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse. Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?! Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'. Rachel: And all these people actually died? Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives! Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence. Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, their dead. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.] Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too? Gunther: Oh, like you don't already have everything. Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.) Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go. Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you're my next victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set. Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Although, don't feel like you can't visit. Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here? Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he's not. Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband. Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler? Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not. Rachel: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him. Joey: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him. Phoebe: Well, you could wait 'til I go to the dentist, maybe I'll kill him. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.] Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doo Fat Factory. Phoebe: Well, I'm going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... (starts to cry and runs out) Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display. Joey: What did they do? Ross: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that. Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you? Ross: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank you. Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me? Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths 'Don't worry, I'll be here the whole time.' to Ross.) Yes! That'd be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths 'Yeah!' and holds up her thumb.) Joey: Hey-hey, Ross? Ross: Yeah. Joey: I've got a science question. Ross: Hmm? Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-sapien', is that why there extinct? Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people. Joey: Hey-hey, I'm not judging. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.] Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he's bored. Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We're gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben's head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.) [cut to later] Monica: (to Ben) Who's so brave, you're so brave, yes you are, you're so brave. Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that's a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?! Monica: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him. Rachel: We're not?! Monica: No we're not. Rachel: All right, I like that. Monica: Okay. Rachel: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, (starts to exam Ben) aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, there's a bump, there's a bump. Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in! Rachel: I cannot push it in! Monica: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction. Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Monica: I got it! Rachel: Okay. Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!! Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head. Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat. Rachel: We need a hat.. Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat? Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day Bear'!! (runs to get him) Monica: Because he'll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a bear that's dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you're a genius! Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it's sowed on though. Monica: Give it. Give it. Rachel: Okay. (Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.) Monica and Rachel: Oh!! Rachel: Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today. [Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelery store.] Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice? Joey: I'd really prefer a mountain bike. Chandler: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me. Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum. Chandler: That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her something serious. Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious. Chandler: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store) Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can't, you can't, okay, you can't, you can't buy her pearls, you just can't, you can't, you can't. Chandler: Why not?! Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here's the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is... Chandler: What is the thing? Joey: Okay. I went down to the 'Mattress King' showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband. Chandler: (shocked) What? Joey: They were in his office. Chandler: Well she, she wouldn't do that, she's with, she's with me. Joey: I'm telling you man, I saw it. Chandler: Yeah, well, you're wrong! Okay, you're wrong. Joey: I'm not wrong! I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.] Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble. Rachel: Right. Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat. Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive! Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I? Phoebe: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know. Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead. Phoebe: (on phone) 'Hey! You're not dead! Okay, see ya!' Ben: Monica. Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that? Ben: Monica bang! Rachel: Okay, I heard that. Monica: Did he just say 'Monica bang'? Rachel: Uh-huh. Monica: Oh my God! He's gonna rat me out! Ben: Monica bang! Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It's no big deal, it's not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun? Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, I'm stopping now. Monica: You okay? Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping through a magazine.] Janice: (entering) How's my Bing-a-ling? Chandler: Ah, I don't know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me. Janice: Why are your eyes so white? Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!! Janice: Oh my God!! Chandler: All right! Janice: How did you know? Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing. Janice: In the park? Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there? Janice: Just those two! Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!! Janice: Oh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! I'm so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can't breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something? Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here. (Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out.) Janice: The receipt. Chandler: I'll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I'm gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring) Janice: I don't know. Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you're alive you answer your phone! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.] Monica: Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you don't tell about our little bonking incident. Rachel: Monica, number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey) What?! Joey: You said number two. Rachel: I also said number one. Joey: I know. (giggles harder) Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone. Rachel: Hi! Ross: How's my little boy? Rachel: He's perfect, he's never been better. Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What'd you do, take him whaling? Ben: Monica. Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that's great! Good job Ben. Ben: Monica bang! Monica: Oh that's right, that's what I'd sound like if I exploded. Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive. Joey: Uh. Phoebe: What? Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.) [Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.] Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big. Rachel: Well maybe he's just taking a nap. Joey: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this morning. Monica: All right, we should call somebody. Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving. Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive. Monica: How are we gonna do that? There's no way. Joey: Well, there is one way. His window's open, I say, we poke him. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Well, now we got a reason. Chandler: What? Joey: Well, we're fashioning a very long poking device. Chandler: All right. Joey: Hey uh, what's a matter? Chandler: I talked to Janice. Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him? Chandler: She doesn't know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the reciept! Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do? Chandler: I don't know, y'know. What, what, would you do? Joey: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do. Chandler: Come on, tell me. Joey: All right, you're probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out. Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about? Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They're like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know, there's chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachel's room.] Ross: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head? Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child. Ross: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could. Rachel: (confidently) I did! Ross: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them all the time. Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing! Ross: Monica did it? (Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.) Ross: Monica? Monica: Yeah. Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today? Monica: No. Why? Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't know, fell out of his head. Monica: Really?! Ross: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he's in there just sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle) Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom) Rachel: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell. Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the living room) Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow! Rachel: I'll get the hat. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.] Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy. Janice: Okay. Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are the reason why their not together.' and I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad. Janice: Wow! Chandler: Yeah, well. It's the right thing to do. Janice: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I can say 'good-bye', there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate, and I can't believe we're not going to be spending the rest of our lives together. Chandler: Then don't leave me! Janice: What? Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me! Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I've got to give my marriage another chance. Chandler: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance. Janice: (standing up) I'm sorry. (hugs him) Chandler: Ohhh. Don't go. Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, but Chandler doesn't let her go.) Chandler: No. No! No! No! Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking. Chandler: I don't care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I don't care!! Janice: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of Chandler's grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.) Chandler: You can't leave! I have your shoe! Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one shoe) Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the giant poking device.] Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manouver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area. Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs in the balance! Phoebe: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick. Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we're approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle. (They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.) Phoebe: He's alive! He's a-live!!! Monica: And yet, we're still poking him. Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device. Ross: He does not look happy. Rachel: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device. Joey: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album] Chandler: (singing) 'I'll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I can't resist your charms. And love....' Phoebe: (joining him) 'Love....' Chandler and Phoebe: 'I'll be a fool for you. I'm sure, you know I don't mind.' Chandler: (high pitched) 'No you know I don't mind.' Chandler and Phoebe: 'Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh..' Chandler: 'I know.' Phoebe: 'I know.' Chandler: 'I've found.' Phoebe: 'I've found....' Chandler and Phoebe: '...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love.' (they both look at each other.) 'My endless love.' (once again they don't match tones, and they just look at each other)
doc_10
Countryside Merlin and Arthur are galloping. They reach the top of a hill overlooking a small village. Arthur: You know what you need after a hard day's hunt? Merlin: Sleep? Arthur: A nice cold tankard of mead. Merlin: (muttering) Mead. They arrive in the village, dismount and tie their horses up. Arthur: No better place to measure the mood of your people than the local tavern. Merlin: This is one of those moments where I tell you that something isn't a good idea and you ignore me, isn't it? Arthur: You're learning, Merlin. Slowly, but you're learning. Now remember, in here you're not my servant. I'm just a simple peasant as everyone else. They are walking in the direction of the tavern. Merlin: The simple's part right. Arthur: What? Merlin: I said the sun is very bright. Arthur: Yeah, yeah it is. [SCENE_BREAK] The tavern The place is packed and noisy. Arthur and Merlin sit at a table. The innkeeper, a plump woman, arrives to take the orders. Innkeeper: Afternoon. What'll it be? Oh, you're a handsome fellow! Arthur: (swelling with conceit) Well, you wouldn't be the first to say it Innkeeper: Oh, no sorry, I was talking about your friend here. Arthur: Him? Merlin: Thank you. Arthur: (looking pretty upset) Two tankards of meat, please. Merlin: I was wrong. Coming here was a great idea. The door opens and a scary man comes in. Chatters stop. He walks through the tavern. Everybody is staring at him. Dagr: Afternoon, Mary. Business looks good. Mary: We have our better days. Dagr: I don't suppose you'll begrudge me my share then. Mary throws a couple of coins on the bar. He counts the coins. Dagr: And the rest? Mary: That's all we've got. The bandit grabs Mary and threats her with a dagger. Dagr: I'll not ask again. Arthur: Take your hands off her. The bandit tries to hit Arthur who avoids him, and pushes him into a shelf. They stare at each other. Dagr: I'm going to make you pay for that. Merlin: (laughing) I'd like to see you try. The bandit whistles and a group of scary men come into the tavern. Arthur: You had to open your big mouth, didn't you, Merlin? A young man stands up. Young Man: You two have got yourselves in a bit of a pickle, haven't you? Arthur: You should get out of here while you have the chance. The young man is drinking a tankard. Young man: You're probably right. The young man holds the tankard to the bandit, smiles and punches him on the nose. It's the beginning of the brawl. Merlin: ARTHUR! Arthur: Merlin! Behind you! Merlin ducks to avoid a flying chair. Two big men are threatening Merlin. Merlin casts a spell: Aetslide bencpe. A bench flies and knocks them out. Merlin goes behind the bar. Mary and Merlin are crushing jugs on bandits. Merlin uses magic to throw a stack of plates on a bandit. The young man is fighting close to the bar. Young man: Pass the jug. He starts drinking. A bandit tries to hit him. He ducks and punches the bandit. Young man: What do they call you then? Merlin: Merlin. They shake hands. Young man: Gwaine. Pleasure to meet you. He turns and breaks the jug on a bandit's head. Gwaine: Such a waste. The brawl goes on. Arthur is fighting against the chief of the bandits. The man takes his dagger and is about to stab Arthur. Gwaine throw himself in front of the bandit, saving Arthur. The bandit is knocked out and Gwaine is stabbed in the leg. He tries to get up, but he falls and knocks himself on a bench. He lies on the ground unconscious. Merlin comes to examine him. Arthur: How is he? Merlin starts bandages Gwaine's leg. Merlin: Not good. He's losing a lot of blood... [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the tavern The bandit is at the stocks, people are throwing rotten vegetables to him. Gwaine, still unconscious, is lying on Arthur's horse. Arthur: If this man ever troubles you again, word is to be sent to Camelot. Soldiers will be here within a day. Mary: How can you make a promise like that? Arthur: Because I'm the King's son. Prince Arthur. Mary: Prince Arthur! Prince Arthur in my tavern! Arthur and Merlin are leaving the village. Mary: Come on! The villagers throw more rotten vegetables at the bandit in stocks --- Opening Credits --- Merlin s chamber Arthur and Merlin are carrying Gwaine onto Merlin's bed. Gaius takes a look at the wound. Gaius: Merlin, fetch me some fresh water, towels, needle and a silk thread. Merlin: And honey? Gaius: You're learning. It helps fight the infection. Arthur: But he'll be all right? Gaius: Providing he's strong. Arthur: He's that, all right. The man saved my life, Gaius. He's to be given anything he needs. Arthur leaves the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's chamber, the next morning Gwaine is waking up. Merlin comes into the room, carrying a tray with food. Gwaine: What am I doing in this bed? Merlin: You were wounded. Arthur wanted to make sure that you were treated by his physician. Gwaine: Arthur? Merlin: Prince Arthur. You saved his life. Gwaine: If I had known who he was... I probably wouldn't have. He's a noble. Merlin: Yeah, but he's a good man. Gwaine: (snorting) if you say so. Merlin: Well, you're a hero. The King wants to thank you in person. Gwaine almost spits what he is drinking. Gwaine: Please, no. I've met a few kings... Once you've met one, you've met them all. Merlin: He'll probably give you an award. Gwaine: I'm not interested. Besides, I've got everything I need right here. Merlin: Why did you help us? Gwaine: Your chances looked between slim and none. I guess I just kind of liked the look of those odds. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chamber Merlin is opening the curtains. Arthur: How's Gwaine? Merlin: Recovering... Merlin looks out of the window. Knights are arriving in the courtyard. Merlin: Who's that? Arthur goes to the window and has a look. Arthur: Ah, Sir Derian! He's here for the melee. Merlin: Oh, yeah the tournaments where the knights ride around hitting each other with blunt weapons for no good reason. Arthur: A little more to it than that... Merlin: Really? All I've ever seen is people getting the seven bells knocked out of them, so the last man standing can be called the winner. Arthur: (patronizing) the melee is the ultimate test of strength and courage. Merlin: Are you sure we are talking about the same thing? Arthur: Well I wouldn't expect you to understand. You're not a knight. Merlin: Well, if it means I don't get clobbered round the head, I'm glad of it. Arthur: Well, I'm afraid it doesn't. Arthur throws a cup at the back of Merlin's head. Merlin: Ouch! Arthur: I need that lot cleaned by noon. Merlin rubs his neck and leaves the room. [SCENE_BREAK] A village, in the house of an old sorcerer, Cylferth Cylferth: The Stulorne blades, just as you requested. The two bandits inspect the swords. Ebor: They're blunt. Dagr: That in only how they appear. Dagr cuts Ebor's shirt with the sword. They both laugh loudly. Cylferth: Why should you want such a weapon? Dagr: That's none of your business old man. You have the crystals? Cylferth: Money first. Dagr gives the old man a purse. He comes back with a casket, containing crystals. Dagr wants to take them. Cylferth: Not yet! He casts a spell on the crystals. Cylferth: (chanting) Pecce treowan andwlitan heora fram gesihoe eallra. The crystals start shining. The old man gives Dagr the casket. Cylferth: The wearer of these crystals will be able to take on the form of whoever's blood they touch. Dagr: Thank you. Cylferth: Thank you. He starts counting the coins from the purse when Chief stabs him in the back. Ebor: Now what? Dagr: Now, Ebor, we can take our revenge on Prince Arthur of Camelot. They both burst out laughing and they leave the house. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's room Gwaine is putting on his boots. Church bells chime. He goes to the window, opens it and looks down at Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Street of Camelot Gwaine is walking, he notices Gwen. He snatches a flower and catches Gwen to give her the flower. Gwaine: I believe this belongs to you. Gwen: I don't think so. It's not my colour. Gwaine: Well, let us see. Gwaine puts the flower in Gwen's hair. Gwen: I bet you've got a whole bunch of those to hand out. Gwaine: Yours is the only one. Gwen smiles and tries to leave. Gwaine: I'm Gwaine. Gwaine takes out his hand, they shake hands, but Gwaine does not let Gwen go. Gwaine: You haven't told me your name. He keeps holding Gwen's hand. Gwaine: You look like a princess to me. So it's probably something like Sophia or Esmeralda! That's it! Princess Esmeralda! Gwaine bows to Gwen. Gwen: Stop it, people are staring. Gwaine: Not until you tell me your name. Gwen: It's Gwen. Gwaine: There, that wasn't so hard, now was it? Gwen tries to move past him. He tries to take a basket. Gwaine: A princess should not have to lump her washing around. Gwen: Unfortunately, I'm not a princess. Gwaine: Ah, but you see, you are to me. She giggles. Gwaine: This is not working is it? Gwen: No, not really. But I like that you tried and that you know when to give up. She takes the flower out of her hair. Gwen: You'd better have this in case someone else takes your fancy. Gwaine: I've eyes only for you. Gwen: I'm sure. Gwen goes finally goes her way, Gwaine chuckles and goes his way. [SCENE_BREAK] In the woods Dagr and Ebor are spying on two knights who are camping. Sir Ethan: How much further would you say it is from Camelot? Sir Oswald: Half a day's ride. The journey is almost over. Dagr: It is for you. Crackle of branches Sir Ethan: Oswald! Dagr stabs Oswald. He starts fighting against Ethan. Ethan is stabbed in the back by Ebor. A servant runs out of one of the tents. Ebor sees him. Ebor: Dagr! Dagr throws a dagger to the servant and kills him. The two bandits giggle. Dagr: The crystals. Ebor hands him the casket. Dagr takes one of the crystal necklaces and wipes the blood of his sword on it. The crystal shines. Then he put on the necklace. Oswald is still lying dead on the ground. Another Oswald is standing by him. He's touching his face. Ebor: You look good, Dagr. Dagr/Oswald: Sir Oswald! Ebor bows to him. Ebor: Sorry, sir. Dagr/Oswald: That's all right. Dagr takes the second necklace. Dagr/Oswald: Your turn. Then we can take our rightful place in the melee. Dagr/Oswald and Ebor/Ethan are riding to Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle courtyard Arthur, followed by Merlin, walks down the steps to welcome the two knights. Arthur: Sir Oswald! The knights dismount. Arthur: I didn't think you'd be brave enough to show up. Dagr/Oswald: And miss the chance of putting you on your backside? They hug. Arthur: You've never managed it before. Dagr/Oswald: That was then. This is now. Arthur punches him and turns to the other knight who introduces himself. Ebor/Ethan: Sir Ethan Arthur: This is my servant, Merlin. He loves hard work, so anything you need, just give him a call. Dagr/Oswald: Believe me, I will. [SCENE_BREAK] Guests 'chamber Dagr/Oswald: MERLIN! Merlin opens the door, carrying a huge trunk with difficulty. Merlin: Here it is! D/O smirks. Dagr/Oswald: What took you so long? Merlin: It weighs a ton...Stairs... Seven flights... Ebor/Ethan: That's very kind of you. Merlin is rubbing his arm and about to leave the room. Dagr/Oswald: But you can't leave it there. Merlin: I can't? Dagr/Oswald: It's in the way. Merlin: Ok. Where do you want it? Ebor/Ethan: Over there, by the bed. Merlin takes the trunk and carries it by the bed. Dagr/Oswald: Oh, no. The other side. Merlin drags the trunk on the other side of the bed. Ebor/Ethan: It's going to get in my way there. Merlin: Where do you want it? Dagr/Oswald: On the top of the wardrobe. Merlin: On the TOP? Ebor/Ethan: You're absolutely right, Oswald. That's exactly where it should be. Merlin painfully puts the trunk on the top of the wardrobe, Dagr/Oswald opens the lock with his sword and everything falls out. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chamber Merlin is slurping the soup almost without breathing. Gaius: It's very hard to work out whether you're eating or inhaling that soup. Merlin: I haven't had anything all day. Sir Oswald had me at his beck and call. Gaius: How is he? Merlin: Awful. He treats me like dirt. Gaius: That doesn't sound like the young man I knew. He always struck me as a rather kind and thoughtful soul. Merlin: Then he must've changed. Gaius: You must remember that not all masters are good to theirs servants as Arthur. Merlin spits green soup he was eating at Gaius's face. Gaius: Thank you, Merlin. Merlin: Sorry. The door opens and Gwen peeks in. Gwen: Merlin, I think you need to come with me. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot tavern Gwen and Merlin are staring at a note. Close to them, the innkeeper looks rather cross. Merlin: You drank all this? Gwaine: With some help from my new friends. People in the tavern cheer: Yeah! Innkeeper: He says that he hasn't got any money... so it looks like you'll have to pay. The innkeeper grabs Merlin and lifts him from the floor. Merlin: I can't afford this. Innkeeper: Better find someone who can. Gwaine starts laughing and falls on the ground. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's chamber Merlin helps a staggering Gwaine into his room. Gwaine: You're the best friend I've ever had. Merlin: You seem to have quite a few. They both laugh. Gwaine: I'd love to see Arthur's face when he gets that bill. Merlin: Right. What is it with you and nobles? Gwaine: Nothing. My father was a knight in Caerleon's army. He died in a battle, leaving my mother penniless. When she went to the king for help, he turned her away. Merlin: You didn't know him? Gwaine: Just some stories that I've been told. Merlin: I know how that feels. I met my father just briefly before he died. Gwaine: Why? Merlin: He was banished. Gwaine: What had he done? Merlin: Nothing... He served the king. Gwaine: But the king turned against him. That doesn't surprise me. Merlin: Arthur's not like that. Gwaine: Maybe, but none of them are worth dying for, huh! Gwaine laughs, hits his head on the wall and goes on laughing. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chamber, the next morning Merlin enters carrying a tray with food. Merlin: Sorry, I know I'm late. Arthur: Not at all. Merlin: Um, good... Arthur: Are you sure you're all right? You're not sick? Unsteady, about to burst into a song. Merlin: No. Why? Arthur takes a note and start reading. Arthur: 14 quarts of mead, 3 flagons of wine, 5 quarts of cider. Merlin: I can explain. Arthur: 4 dozen pickled eggs! Merlin: That was Gwaine. He went to the tavern and... he couldn't pay for it. Arthur: So you said I would? Merlin: Mmm, if I hadn't, that innkeeper he would have strung us both up. Arthur: I fail to see the downside. Merlin: You said he should be given anything he needs. Arthur: FOUR DOZEN PICKLE DEGGS! Merlin: I'm sorry. I'll pay for it. Arthur: You most certainly will... [SCENE_BREAK] Throne hall Gwaine: Arthur's a thoroughbred little braggart. Gwaine and Merlin are polishing boots. Merlin: Why? Gwaine: Making us to this. Merlin: I think it's fair. Gwaine: For the entire army! Gwaine points at dozen of boots waiting to be polished. Merlin: If you admitted your father was a knight you wouldn't have to... Gwaine: Maybe, but I'm not making the same mistakes he did. Anyway, my father always treated his servants well. Merlin: You didn't know him! Gwaine: Well, I like to think that he did. What about yours? Merlin: No. He didn't have any servants. He didn't have anyone... Gwaine: When did he die? Merlin: About a year ago... I'd just wish I had the chance to know him better. There's so much he could've taught me. Gwaine: But you did get to meet him. Merlin: Yeah. Gwaine: If there's one thing that I learnt from my father's life, it's that titles don't mean anything. It's what's inside that count. Gwaine slaps Merlin's knee with a brush. Merlin: Ow! [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the castle Arthur is practicing; he is attacking a dummy dressed as a knight. Dagr/Oswald: You look like you need a bit of practice. Arthur: Ah? Do you think so? Dagr/Oswald: I know so. Dagr/Oswald gestures to Merlin to get a sword. Arthur and D/O start fighting. Arthur (bragging): You're rusty. You're not as quick as you used to be. Dagr/Oswald: Still quick enough to hit you. Arthur: I thought you were left-handed. Dagr/Oswald: Yes I am. I... just wanted to give you a chance. Dagr/Oswald changes hand to hold his sword. Dagr/Oswald: How about we make this more interesting? 50 gold coins first clean hit. Arthur: Make it a hundred. Arthur manages to pin his arm, Dagr/Oswald cannot fight any more. Arthur: You can keep your money. Arthur, satisfied, leaves the field. Ebor/Ethan: Don't worry, in the melee there'll be two of us. Dagr/Oswald: With the Stulorne blade, I'll fillet the little brat. Merlin seems to have overhead the conversation. Dagr/Oswald spits. [SCENE_BREAK] Guests 'chamber Merlin is bringing pieces of armour in the room. The he starts removing dirty plates from the table. He discovers 2 swords. He tries to examine the blades and he gets cut by one of them. Dagr/Oswald and Ebor/Ethan enters the room. Dagr/Oswald: What're you doing with that, boy? Merlin: I was just tidying... Dagr/Oswald: Keep away from things that don't concern you. Merlin takes the dirty plates and leaves the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chamber Gaius is bandaging Merlin's finger. Merlin: To the eye the sword appeared blunt, but when I touched it... Gwaine: You were lucky... I've seen those blades in action. They are forged using sorcery. Gaius: But what would they want with such a blade? Merlin: I think they mean to kill Arthur in the melee. Gaius: But in front of all those people? Gwaine: It's the perfect cover. If they succeed, nobody will suspect it was intentional. Merlin: I need to warn Arthur. Gaius: Merlin, Sir Oswald is a knight; he comes from a well-respected family. You can't accuse him without a proof. Merlin: Then we need that blade... Gwaine: I'll get it. Merlin: What if they catch you? What reason would you have to be in Sir Oswald's chambers? No, it's safer if I do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Guests' chamber Oswald is asleep. Merlin sneaks into the room and opens a big trunk, where he finds the blade. Then he notices the crystal, shining on Dagr/Oswald's chest. He walks toward him and sees Dagr's face in the crystal. Dagr wakes up and grabs Merlin by the hand. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chamber Gwaine: Merlin should be back by now. Gaius: I know. Gwaine: I'm going to see what's going on. Gwaine leaves the room. Gaius: Gwaine... [SCENE_BREAK] Guest's chamber Merlin is standing against the wall a dagger is thrown just above his head. Merlin: I was just rearranging the bedclothes. That's all. Dagr/Oswald throws another dagger. Dagr/Oswald: You hear that, Sir Ethan. He was just rearranging the bedclothes. Dagr/Oswald throws a third dagger. Ebor/Ethan: My mistake he's not the snivelling thief I thought he was. Dagr/Oswald tries to attack Merlin with a sword. Merlin ducks. Merlin: I thought you might be cold. Dagr/Oswald: Of course you did. Merlin ducks again as Dagr/Oswald is trying to hit him again with his sword. Gwaine: Is there a problem here? Dagr/Oswald: No. Now leave. Gwaine: You all right, Merlin? Merlin nods and mouths: No. Dagr/Oswald: I thought I told you to leave. Gwaine: I wasn't talking to you. Ebor/Ethan: How dare you speak to a knight like that? Ebor/Ethan attacks Gwaine. Gwaine disarms him and catches his sword. Dagr/Oswald attacks Gwaine. Merlin: Careful! Gwaine: Don't worry I can handle this thug. They start fighting. Ebor/Ethan attacks Gwaine from behind, hits Ebor/Ethan in the face and knocks him down. Dagr/Oswald attacks Gwaine again. Merlin: Watch out! Gwaine disarms Dagr/Oswald. Sir Leon comes into the room. Sir Leon: What's going on? Gwaine looks at Sir Leon and Dagr/Oswald knocks him down. Dagr/Oswald: This man attacked me. I demand an audience with the King. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin and Gaius are walking in a corridor. Merlin: It's not Sir Oswald, it's the thug from the tavern, Dagr...He's using a magical crystal to change his appearance... [SCENE_BREAK] Throne Hall Two guards are dragging Gwaine into the hall. His hands are chained. Dagr/Oswald: Sire, this man attacked me with a sword. He tried to kill me. Gwaine is kneeling on the floor. Uther: Is this true? Gwaine: I stepped in to protect Merlin. Dagr/Oswald: I tried to talk to him. He was like a man possessed. I'm sure that Sir Ethan will back me up. Ebor/Ethan: Indeed. I can vouch for his every word. Gwaine: He's a liar! Uther: I will have your tongue; how dare you speak to a knight in that way! Gwaine: Nobility is defined by what you do, not by who you are. These men are anything but. They are arrogant thugs! Arthur: Gwaine! Dagr/Oswald: You see, Sire, how he behaves. Uther: I have heard enough! For a commoner to attack a nobleman is in violation of the knight's code. Dagr/Oswald: I couldn't agree with you more, Sire. He must be an example of. Arthur: Sir Oswald, please... Dagr/Oswald: Nothing less than his execution will give me satisfaction. Arthur: Father, I understand how this must look. It's an embarrassing situation. Sir Oswald is a dear friend and our guest here in Camelot. But Gwaine is my guest here too. He may not be of noble birth, but I can vouch that he has a noble heart. Uther: How can you say that when you see the way he behaves? Arthur: Gwaine risked his life to save mine. I beg you, please. If a knight's word is his bond, then I give you may word. Gwaine is a good man, he deserves clemency. Uther: You are banished from Camelot. If you ever return, you will pay for it with your life. You have until dawn to leave the city. [SCENE_BREAK] In a corridor Ebor/Ethan: That servant boy, he's on us. Dagr/Oswald: What's he going to do? We are knights, remember... You've seen what happened when a commoner accuses à knight. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chamber Gwaine is packing. Merlin: I'm sorry. Gwaine: Don't be. I never stay in one place very long. People get sick of me too quickly. Merlin: I didn't... Gwaine: After the trouble I caused? Merlin: You livened this place up. Gwaine: Make sure you look after Arthur. He's in danger. Merlin: I thought you hated nobles? Gwaine: Yeah, well, maybe that one's worth dying for, eh? Gwaine leaves the room. [SCENE_BREAK] In the corridor Gwen: I heard what happened. Gwaine: Yeah... well there you go. Gwen: You did a brave thing. Gwaine: Hell of a lot of good that did me. Gwen: I know Arthur. He is not like Uther. You saved his life. I'm sure one day he'll repay you... Gwaine: He tried to speak up for me. Gwen: Arthur's fair. He's loyal. He will be a great king. I know he will. Gwaine: Clearly... If he makes everyone feeling the way you do. At least now I know why you turned me down. Gwen: It's not just me that says that. Gwaine: No, I'm sure it isn't. Let's hope he lives that long. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chamber Merlin: I don't know what we do. Gaius: I could try to persuade Arthur to withdraw from the contest... Merlin: He won't, I know Arthur. I'll have to somehow... use my powers to defend him. Gaius: With the King and half of Camelot watching? Merlin: I don't have a choice. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chamber Merlin is preparing Arthur's coat of mail. Uther comes in. Uther: Ah. I trust you're ready for the challenge. Arthur: Yes Father. Uther: I came to bring you this. I won my first melee with this blade. The edge has been dulled, it's perfectly safe. All of Camelot is eager for a victory today, Arthur. And I know you won't let me down. Uther leaves the room, Arthur is examining the blade. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen looks worriedly out of the window at the people walking to the tournament grounds. People are gathering on the tournament ground, trumpets are playing. [SCENE_BREAK] Tournament tent Ebor/Ethan: Prince Arthur isn't going to know what's hit him. Dagr/Oswald: Oh, I hope he does. If it's over too quickly, that'll be no fun at all. Dagr/ Oswald: Ready? Ebor/Ethan: Absolutely. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chamber Merlin: You know those moments when I tell you that something isn't a good idea... Arthur: Yeah. And then I ignore you. Merlin: And then I'm proved right. Arthur: Merlin your concern for my wellbeing is touching. Merlin: I'm serious, I think you should withdraw. Arthur: Look, I know you think the melee is some kind of stupid game. But it's more than that. It's about proving to the people that I'm fit to lead them. Merlin: I know. Just be careful. [SCENE_BREAK] Tournament field The crowd is cheering; Uther arrives, ready to watch the tournament. Everybody sit. Merlin and Gaius are in crowd, they look deeply concerned. The knights on their horses are ready. Uther gives the signal and the melee starts. The fight is violent, there are less and less knights remaining on the field. Merlin notices that a knight is heading toward Arthur, waving his sword. Merlin: He's heading straight for Arthur. Arthur ducks and the knight is thrown. The fight goes on. Merlin: Arthur's in trouble. Arthur is grabbed by a knight and thrown on the ground. He is about to get stabbed. He avoids the sword and starts fighting with this man. Another knight, still riding his horse, is about to attack Arthur. Gaius: You have to do something otherwise, Arthur will die! Merlin casts a spell and the girth of the saddle breaks. The knight is thrown. But he gets up and joins the fight. Merlin: It's two against one. A knight who was lying on the ground gets up and joins the melee, fighting back to back with Arthur. Merlin: Who's that helping Arthur. Gaius: I don't know, but I think we should be thankful he is. The new knight manages to disarm his adversary and catches his sword, a Stalorne blade. Merlin: There is only one person I know who can do that... The knight stabs his adversary with the Stalorne blade. The crowd gasps. The other knight knocks Arthur down and his about to kill him. Arthur's ally comes to rescue and stabs him, using the magical sword again. The crowd gasps, Uther and Morgana look shaken. Arthur and his mysterious ally are exhausted, out of breath. Arthur: You know they expect us to fight to the end now? Arthur removes his helmet. Arthur: You fought bravely, the field is yours. The knight sticks his sword in the ground and lifts his helmet, it's Gwaine. Arthur smiles. Arthur: I should have known. Nobody fights like you do. Uther looks furious. Uther: Guards! Seize him! [SCENE_BREAK] In a tournament tent Gaius is examining the bodies of the two deceased knights. Uther comes in. Uther: Is there nothing you can do for them? Gaius: I'm sorry it's too late for that. Arthur comes in, his arm is bleeding. Uther: The prisoner is responsible for their deaths. I want him executed immediately. Gaius: You might want to wait before you pass judgment... I fear that Sir Ethan and Sir Oswald are not all what they seem. Gaius tears the necklaces off the bodies. He then takes the helmets off to reveal the faces of Dagr and Ebor. Uther: Sorcery! Arthur: Then, once again, I owe Gwaine my life. Uther looks pretty upset. [SCENE_BREAK] In a corridor Gwaine is pacing up and down while Merlin is standing against the wall. Arthur: The king is prepared to overlook the fact that you fought in the melee. Merlin: That's fantastic! Gwaine: Thank you Arthur... Arthur: But... he's a stubborn man. He will not rescind his judgment. You must leave Camelot. Merlin: You've got to speak to him, Arthur. Make him change his mind. Gwaine: Merlin. Arthur: I'm sorry Gwaine. My father's wrong. If it were up to me... Gwaine: I know... you don't need to explain yourself. Arthur: You have until sunset. [SCENE_BREAK] Gaius's chamber Merlin: Where will you go? Gwaine: I was thinking Mercia. Merlin: It's dangerous. Gwaine: Yeah, and you get a lot of more ale for your money. I'm joking. Merlin: Why don't you tell the King who you really are? He'd grant you a pardon. You could stay in Camelot... Gwaine: I could never serve under a man like Uther. Merlin: And yet you helped Arthur. Gwaine: He stood up for me. Merlin: I knew he would. Gwaine: That showed he is indeed a noble man. Merlin: Then why don't you stay? You could be a knight like your father. You and Arthur, you fought well together. Gwaine: And maybe one day we will again. Gwaine leaves the room. [SCENE_BREAK] From the ramparts Gwaine walks down the street, he turns back and salutes Arthur and Merlin who are watching him. Arthur: It's a shame. He would have been a great knight. Merlin: Maybe one day he still will. Arthur: Rules won't allow it. Knights are noblemen, always have been, always will be. It's a tradition... Arthur notices Gwaine and Gwen laughing and chatting in the street. Arthur: They seem very friendly. Merlin: Why should you care? Arthur: I don't. She can do better than that. Merlin: She should be setting her sights higher? Oh! But I forget! She can't. A girl of Gwen's standing could never consort with a nobleman. That's the rules... Arthur: Merlin... Merlin: SHUT UP? Arthur: You guessed it. Gwen kisses Gwaine on the cheek, and they go on their separate ways. Arthur grabs Merlin by the shoulder and they go back to the castle, shoving each other.
doc_11
Roof Thunder is rumbling. Merle is on the roof hallucinating. Merle: That's right. You heard me, bitch. You got a problem? Bring it on if you're man enough, Or take it up the chain if you're a pussy. You heard me, you pussy-ass noncom bitch. You ain't deaf. Take it up the damn chain of command or you can kiss my lily-white ass. That's right. That's what I said. You heard me. And then this idiot, he takes a swing, You know, and well... He laughs hysterically. Merle: Oh, you should've seen the look on his face when I punched out his front teeth. Yeah, five of 'em. Pow! Pow! Just like that. Huh. Oh my god. 16 months in the stockade... Oh, that's what them teeth cost me. That was... That was hard time, but by god, it was worth every minute of it Just to see that prick spit his teeth out on the ground. Yes sir, worth every minute. Merle continues to try and pull himself off of the pipe, but he is unable to get loose. Merle: Oh no. No no! No no! No no! God! God! No no! God! Jesus! No no, merciful Christ! No no. No no. God, help me! God! God! Jesus, please! Jesus, please. Help me! Come on now! Merle sees Walkers trying to get through the door. They are unable to break it because of the chain that T-Dog put on it. Merle: Help me. No no. Oh, no no. Oh my god. Shh shh shh shh shh. Merle starts crying. Merle: No, Jesus. Jesus. No no no no no no. Please. I didn't behave, I know. I know I'm being punished. I know. I... Oh, I deserve it. I deserve it. I've been bad. Help me now. Show me the way. Go on, tell me what to do. Tell me. Tell me. God! Merle rolls under the pipe and uses his belt to try. He gets the saw that is lying close to him. Merle: That's okay. Never you mind, silly Christ boy. I ain't begged you before. I ain't gonna start begging now. I ain't gonna beg you now! Don't you worry about me! Begging you ever! I'll never beg you! I ain't gonna beg you! I never begged you before. Oh sh1t. No! He continues to try and get the saw while the Walkers try to break through the door. OPENING CREDITS Truck Morales: Best not to dwell on it. Merle got left behind. Nobody's gonna be sad he didn't come back... Except maybe Daryl. Rick: Daryl? Morales: His brother. Behind them, the group hears Glenn in his car. Glenn: Whoo-hoo! Glenn speeds past them and continues to holler about how much fun he's having. Morales: At least somebody's having a good day. Camp Jim hangs some cans around the perimeter so they can hear Walkers. Girl: Give it back. Boy: Stop it. Girl: No! Boy: I found it. Girl: No! Boy: Give it. Woman: Mijo, leave your sister alone. Boy: Why? Woman: Come on. Lori is giving Carl a haircut. Lori: Baby, the more you fidget, the longer it takes. So don't, okay? Carl: I'm trying. Lori: Well, try harder. Shane: If you think this is bad, wait till you start shaving. That stings. That day comes, you'll be wishing for one of your mama's haircuts. Carl: I'll believe that when I see it. Shane chuckles. Shane: I'll tell you what... you just get through this with some manly dignity and tomorrow I'll teach you something special. I will teach you to catch frogs. Carl: I've caught a frog before. Shane: I said frogs... plural. And it is an art, my friend. It is not to be taken lightly. There are ways and means. Few people know about it. I'm willing to share my secrets. Carl looks at Lori unsure of what to say. Lori: Oh, I'm a girl. You talk to him. Shane: it's a one-time offer, bud... not to be repeated. Carl: Why do we need frogs, plural? Shane: You ever eat frog legs? Carl: Eww! Shane: No, yum! Lori: No, he's right. Eww. Shane: When you get down to that last can of beans, you're gonna be loving those frog legs, lady. I can see it now... "Shane, do you think I could have a second helping, please? Please? Just one?" Lori: yeah, I doubt that. Shane chuckles. Shane: Don't listen to her, man. You and me, we'll be heroes. We'll feed these folks cajun-style Kermit legs. Lori: I would rather eat miss piggy. Yes, that came out wrong. Shane laughs. Shane: Heroes, son, spoken of in song and legend. You and me, Shane and Carl. Carl and Shane laugh. The conversation is interrupted with the beeping of Glenn's car alarm. Man: Hey, Dale, can you see what that is? Shane: Talk to me, Dale! Dale: I can't tell yet. Amy: Is it them? Are they back? Dale: I'll be damned. Amy: What is it? Dale: A stolen car is my guess. Glenn pulls in and says hello. Dale: Holy crap. Turn that damn thing off! Glenn: I don't know how! Shane: Pop the hood, please. Pop the damn hood, please. Amy: My sister Andrea... Shane: Pop the damn hood! Glenn: What? Okay okay. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah! Amy: Is she okay? Is she all right? He pops the hood so Shane can disconnect the battery to turn the alarm off. Glenn: She's okay! She's okay! Amy: Is she coming back? Glenn: Yes! Amy: Why isn't she with you? Where is she? She's okay? Glenn: Yes! Yeah, fine. Everybody is. Well, Merle not so much. Shane: Are you crazy, driving this wailing b*st*rd up here? Are you trying to draw every Walker for miles? Dale: I think we're okay. Shane: You call being stupid okay? Dale: Well, the alarm was echoing all over these hills. Hard to pinpoint the source. I'm not arguing. I'm just saying. It wouldn't hurt youto think things through a little more carefully next time, would it? Glenn: Sorry. Got a cool car. The group sees the truck arrive. Truck Morales: Come meet everybody. Survival Camp Andrea gets out of the truck. Andrea: Amy. Amy: Andrea! Andrea runs up to Amy and the two sisters hug. Andrea: Oh! Amy: Oh my god! You scared the sh1t out of me. Morales gets out of the truck and his wife and children runs up to him. Boy: Papi! Daddy! Morales: Hey. Come here, sweetie. Hey. I told you I'd be back, didn't I? Carl is still sad and we can see that he wishes that Rick would come back when the groups return. Shane looks at them. Dale: You are a welcome sight. Dale and Morales hug. Both laugh. Dale: I thought we had lost you folks for sure. Shane: How'd y'all get out of there anyway? Glenn: New guy... he got us out. Shane: New guy? Morales: Yeah, crazy Vato just got into town. Hey, helicopter boy! Come say hello. Rick gets out of the truck. Morales: The guy's a cop like you. Rick walks up and Shane is the first to see him. Carl and Lori then turn over and he sees Rick. Rick also sees Carl and Lori. Rick: oh my god. Carl and Lori run up to Rick. Carl: Dad! Dad! Rick takes Carl in his arms, crying. Rick: Carl. Oh! He kisses Carl on the cheek and approaches Lori. He hugs them both. Shane is surprised to see Rick, but isn't as happy as he should be. He feigns a smile as Lori looks at him. Rick smiles at him and Shane smiles back. Survival Camp Later that night, Rick is sitting down with the group around a fire camp. Rick: Disoriented. I guess that comes closest. Disoriented. Fear, confusion... all those things but... Disoriented comes closest. Dale: Words can be meager things. Sometimes they fall short. Rick: I felt like I'd been ripped out of my life and put somewhere else. For a while I thought I was trapped in some coma dream, something I might not wake up from ever. Carl: Mom said you died. Rick: She had every reason to believe that. Don't you ever doubt it. Lori: When things started to get really bad, they told me at the hospital that they were gonna medevac you and the other patients to Atlanta, and it never happened. Rick: Well, I'm not surprised after Atlanta fell. Lori: Yeah. Rick: And from the look of that hospital, it got overrun. Shane: Yeah, looks don't deceive. I barely got them out, you know? Rick: I can't tell you how grateful I am to you, Shane. I can't begin to express it. Dale: There go those words falling short again. Paltry things. Nearby, Ed puts another log on his fire. Shane: Hey, Ed, you want to rethink that log? Ed: It's cold, man. Shane: The cold don't change the rules, does it? Keep our fires low, just embers so we can't be seen from a distance, right? Ed: I said it's cold. You should mind your own business for once. Shane gets up and walks over to Ed's fire. Shane: Hey, Ed... Are you sure you want to have this conversation, man? Ed: Go on. Pull the damn thing out. Go on! Carol, his wife, pulls the log out of the fire. Their daughter, Sophia, watches as Carol pulls the log out. Shane: Christ. Shane stomps the flames out. Shane: Hey, Carol, Sophia, how are y'all this evening? Carol: Fine. We're just fine. Shane: Okay. Carol: I'm sorry about the fire. Shane: No no no. No apology needed. Y'all have a good night, okay? Carol: Thank you. Shane: I appreciate the cooperation. Shane rejoins the other group. Dale: Have you given any thought to Daryl Dixon? He won't be happy to hear his brother was left behind. T-Dog: I'll tell him. I dropped the key. It's on me. Rick: I cuffed him. That makes it mine. Glenn: Guys, it's not a competition. I don't mean to bring race into this, but it might sound better coming from a white guy. T-Dog: I did what I did. Hell if I'm gonna hide from him. Amy: We could lie. Andrea: Or tell the truth. Merle was out of control. Something had to be done or he'd have gotten us killed. Your husband did what was necessary. And if Merle got left behind, it is nobody's fault but Merle's. Dale: And that's what we tell Daryl? I don't see a rational discussion to be had from that, do you? Word to the wise... We're gonna have our hands full when he gets back from his hunt. T-Dog: I was scared and I ran. I'm not ashamed of it. Andrea: We were all scared. We all ran. What's your point? T-Dog: I stopped long enough to chain that door. Staircase is narrow. Maybe half a dozen geeks can squeeze against it at any one time. It's not enough to break through that... Not that chain, not that padlock. My point... Dixon's alive and he's still up there, handcuffed on that roof. That's on us. Tent Rick: I found you, didn't I? Carl: I love you, dad. Rick: I love you, Carl. Rick kisses Carl goodnight and then joins Lori on the other side of the tent. Rick kneels down and passionately kisses Lori. Rick then lies next to Lori. Rick: I found you both. Lori: Yeah. Rick: I knew I would. Lori: You're getting cocky now, a little bit. Rick: No. No, I knew. Walking into our home, finding an empty house, both of you gone. Lori: I'm so sorry. Rick: I knew you were alive. Lori: How? Rick: The photos were gone, all our family albums. Lori chuckles and grabs one of them. Rick: I told you so. Lori: Now you're getting cocky, huh? A lot. They look at some photos from Carl's last birthday. Rick hands her the photo from his squad car. Rick: It belongs in here. Lori: Baby, I really thought I would never see you again. I'm so sorry... For everything. I feel like... When you were in the hospital, I just... I wanted to take it all back... The anger and the bad times. But the mistakes... Rick kisses her. Rick: Maybe we got a second chance. Not many people get that. Rick and Lori continue to kiss. Rick notices his wedding ring on Lori's necklace Rick: I wondered where that went. Lori: Do you want it back? Rick: Of course. Lori takes it off and puts it back on Rick's ring finger. Rick and Lori start to get passionate and Lori turns out the lantern. Rick looks over at Carl sleeping. Lori: He won't wake up. The two proceed to make love. Outside Up on the RV, Shane is sitting alone and watches the Grimes' tent. He puts his hat on and seems very upset. Thunder is still rumbling. Tent The next morning, Rick wakes up and sees that Lori and Carl are not in the tent. Outside He walks out and sees that everything is fine. Rick: Morning. Man: Morning. Rick: Hey. Woman: Hi. Carol: Morning. Rick: Morning. Carol: They're still a little damp. The sun'll have 'em dry in no time. Rick: You washed my clothes? Carol: Well, best we could. Scrubbing on a washboard ain't half as good as my old maytag back home. Rick: That's very kind. Thank you. Rick approaches Glenn who is visibly upset that Dale has torn apart some of the spare parts on the car that he brought in. Glenn: Look at 'em. Vultures. Yeah, go on, strip it clean. Dale: Generators need every drop of fuel they can get. Got no power without it. Sorry, Glenn. Glenn: Thought I'd get to drive it at least a few more days. Rick: Maybe we'll get to steal another one someday. Rick finally finds Lori. Lori: Morning, officer. Rick: Hey. Lori: You sleep okay? Rick: Better than in a long time. Lori: Well, I didn't want to wake you. I figured you could use it. God. What? Rick: I've been thinking about the man we left behind. Lori: You're not serious. Shane drives back to the camp with water. Shane: Water's here, y'all. Just a reminder to boil before use. Lori: Are you asking me or telling me? Rick: Asking. Lori: Well, I think it's crazy. I think it is just the stupidest way to break your son... Suddenly, the group hears screaming. Carl: Mom! Lori: Carl? Everyone starts to race down to the screaming. Man: It's over there! Carl: Dad! Lori: Baby! Girl: Mama! Mommy! Glenn: Rick! Lori: Carl! Rick grabs a pole and runs down to the site. Man: Over here, boy! Come on, come on! Lori: Carl! Baby! Carl: Mom! Rick: You're okay? Lori: I've got him. I've got him. Lori: Nothing bit you? Nothing scratched you? Carl: No, I'm okay. The group comes upon a Walker that is busy eating the carcass of a deer. Andrea and Amy come up and notice how disgusting it is. When the Walker sees them, it starts to turn on them. Rick, Shane, Glenn, Jim, and Morales start to beat on it with their objects. Dale finishes it off by chopping its head off with an axe. Dale is shocked. Dale: It's the first one we've had up here. They never come this far up the mountain. Jim: Well, they're running out of food in the city, that's what. They hear branch snapping and footsteps. Daryl Dixon comes out of the forest and seems very upset that the Walker. Dale: Oh, Jesus. Daryl: Son of a bitch. That's my deer! Look at it. All gnawed on by this... filthy, disease-bearing, motherless poxy b*st*rd! He kicks the carcass of the Walker Dale: Calm down, son. That's not helping. Daryl: What do you know about it, old man? Why don't you take that stupid hat and go back to "on golden pond"? I've been tracking this deer for miles. Gonna drag it back to camp, cook us up some venison. What do you think? Do you think we can cut around this chewed up part right here? Shane: I would not risk that. Daryl sighs. Daryl: That's a damn shame. I got some squirrel... about a dozen or so. That'll have to do. Suddenly, the head of the Walker starts to move its teeth. Amy: Oh god. Daryl: Come on, people. What the hell? Daryl shoots it with one of his arrows. Daryl: It's gotta be the brain. Don't y'all know nothing? [SCENE_BREAK] Survival Camp The group comes back at camp. Daryl: Merle! Merle! Get your ugly ass out here! I got us some squirrel! Let's stew 'em up. Shane: Daryl, just slow up a bit. I need to talk to you. Daryl: About what? Shane: About Merle. There was a... There was a problem in Atlanta. Daryl: He dead? Shane: We're not sure. Daryl: He either is or he ain't! Rick: No easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. Daryl: Who are you? Rick: Rick grimes. Daryl: Rick grimes, you got something you want to tell me? Rick: Your brother was a danger to us all, so I handcuffed him on a roof, hooked him to a piece of metal. He's still there. Daryl: Hold on. Let me process this. You're saying you handcuffed my brother to a roof and you left him there?! Rick: Yeah. Daryl goes to attack him, but Rick shoves him off. T-Dog: Hey! Watch the knife! Daryl pulls his knife out, but Shane is able to come up behind him and put him in a chokehold. Shane: Okay. Okay. Daryl: You'd best let me go! Shane: Nah, I think it's better if I don't. Daryl: Choke hold's illegal. Shane: You can file a complaint. Come on, man. We'll keep this up all day. Rick: I'd like to have a calm discussion on this topic. Do you think we can manage that? Do you think we can manage that? Shane: Hmm? Daryl: Mmm. Yeah. Shane lets him go. Rick: What I did was not on a whim. Your brother does not work and play well with others. T-Dog: It's not Rick's fault. I had the key. I dropped it. Daryl: You couldn't pick it up? T-Dog: Well, I dropped it in a drain. Daryl: If it's supposed to make me feel better, it don't. T-Dog: Well, maybe this will. Look, I chained the door to the roof... So the geeks couldn't get at him... With a padlock. It's gotta count for something. Daryl: Hell with all y'all! Just tell me where he is so that I can go get him. Lori: He'll show you. Isn't that right? Rick: I'm going back. Lori walks into the RV. Survival Camp Later, Rick gets his police uniform on. He walks past Shane. Shane: So that's it, huh? You're just gonna walk off? Just to hell with everybody else? Rick: I'm not saying to hell with anybody... Not yo Shane... Shane: Lori least of all. Tell her that. Rick: She knows. Shane: Well, look, I... I don't, okay, Rick? So could you just... Could you throw me a bone here, man? Could you just tell me why? Why would you risk your life for a douche bag like Merle Dixon? Daryl: Hey, choose your words more carefully. Shane: No, I did. Douche bag's what I meant. Merle Dixon...The guy wouldn't give you a glass of water if you were dying of thirst. Rick: What he would or wouldn't do doesn't interest me. I can't let a man die of thirst... me. Thirst and exposure. We left him like an animal caught in a trap. That's no way for anything to die, let alone a human being. Lori: So you and Daryl, that's your big plan? Glenn: Oh, come on. Rick turns to Glenn and Glenn is upset. Rick: You know the way. You've been there before... In and out, no problem. You said so yourself. It's not fair of me to ask... I know that, but I'd feel a lot better with you along. I know she would too. Shane: That's just great. Now you're gonna risk three men, huh? T-Dog: Four. Daryl huffs. Daryl: My day just gets better and better, don't it? T-Dog: You see anybody else here stepping up to save your brother's cracker ass? Daryl: Why you? T-Dog: You wouldn't even begin to understand. You don't speak my language. Dale: That's four. Shane: It's not just four. You're putting every single one of us at risk. Just know that, Rick. Come on, you saw that Walker. It was here. It was in camp. They're moving out of the cities. They come back, we need every able body we've got. We need 'em here. We need 'em to protect camp. Rick: It seems to me what you really need most here are more guns. Glenn: Right, the guns. Shane: Wait. What guns? Rick: Six shotguns, two high-powered rifles, over a dozen handguns. I cleaned out the cage back at the station before I left. I dropped the bag in Atlanta when I got swarmed. It's just sitting there on the street, waiting to be picked up. Shane: Ammo? Rick: 700 rounds, assorted. Lori: You went through hell to find us. You just got here and you're gonna turn around and leave? Carl: Dad, I don't want you to go. Lori: To hell with the guns. Shane is right. Merle Dixon? He's not worth one of your lives, even with guns thrown in. Tell me. Make me understand. Rick: I owe a debt to a man I met and his little boy. Lori, if they hadn't taken me in, I'd have died. It's because of them that I made it back to you at all. They said they'd follow me to Atlanta. They'll walk into the same trap I did if I don't warn him. Lori: What's stopping you? Rick: The walkie-talkie, the one in the bag I dropped. He's got the other one. Our plan was to connect when they got closer. Shane: These are our walkies? Rick: Yeah. Andrea: So use the CB. What's wrong with that? Shane: The CB's fine. It's the walkies that suck to crap... Date back to the '70s, don't match any other bandwidth... Not even the scanners in our cars. Rick: I need that bag. Okay? Lori: All right. Rick approaches Carl. Rick: Okay? Carl nods yes. Survival Camp Later, Rick and T-Dog approach Dale and Jim. Rick: Rumor is you have bolt cutters. Dale: Maybe. T-Dog: Yeah, we get to that roof, though, we'll need to cut that chain and the handcuffs. Dale: I never like lending tools. The last time I did... And yes, I am talking about you... Let's just say your bag of guns wasn't the only bag that was dropped. My tools got left behind with Merle. Rick: We'll bring your tools back too. Think of the bolt cutters as an investment. Dale: Sounds like more of a gamble. Dale gives it to him. Dale: What do I get in return? Rick: What do you want? Dale: How about one of those guns you bring back? My pick. Rick: Done. Jim: Dale, let's... Sweeten the deal a bit. Now that cube van of yours... Rick: What about it? Jim: The RV's radiator hose is shot. That's a problem if we need to get somewhere and wanna get very far. And the hose on that van is just about a perfect match... Well, enough that I can make it fit. Rick: I'll tell you what... we get back, you can strip that van down to the bare metal. Daryl beeps on the horn. Daryl: Come on, let's go! Rick: Thank you. Shane stops Rick. Shane: Hey, Rick, got any rounds in the python? Rick: No. Shane: Last time we were on the gun range, I'm sure I wound up with a few loose rounds of yours. Rick: You and that bag... like the bottom of an old lady's purse. Shane: I hate that you're doing this, man. I think that it's foolish and reckless. But if you're gonna go, you're taking bullets. Rick: I'm not sure I'd want to fire a shot in the city, not after what happened last time. Shane: That's up to you. Well... Four men, four rounds. What are the odds, huh? Well, let's just hope that... Let's just hope four is your lucky number, okay? Rick: Thank you. Shane: All right. Rick gets in the truck and they take off. Tent Carl is lying down in the tent after Rick leaves. Lori comes to see him Lori: Hey. You know, I bet they'll be just fine. Carl: I'm not worried. Are you? Lori: Yeah, a little. Carl: Don't be. Lori: Why? Carl: Think about it, mom. Everything that's happened to him so far... Nothing's killed him yet. Lori chuckles and notes that Carl is right. Atlanta The truck arrives outside the city limits. Daryl: He'd better be okay. T-Dog: It's my only word on the matter. I told you the geeks can't get at him. The only thing that's gonna get through that door is us. Glenn stops the truck. Glenn: We walk from here. They get out and start walking along the railroad tracks. Survival Camp Lori: Dale. Have you seen Carl? Dale: Shane took him down to the quarry. There was some mighty bold talk about catching frogs. Quarry Carl: I'm not getting anything. Shane: Yeah. Being all wily, staying submerged. Little suckers, they know something's up. That's what's going on. Just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. All right, little man, look. You are the... you are the key in all this, okay? All I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go after one of them, all right, scare the rest of them off. They're all gonna scatter. I'm gonna drive 'em your way, okay? Carl: All right. Shane: What you need to do is you need to round up every bad boy you see, all right? Are you with me? Carl: Yeah. Yeah. Shane: Hells yeah. Give me your mean face. Yes sir. Are you ready? Carl: Yeah! Shane: Are you ready? Here we go, boy. Here we go. Carl laughs as Shane splashes around in the water. Shane: All right, they're coming your way. They're coming your way. Go on, get 'em, get 'em. They're coming your way, come on. Catch them frogs. Catch them frogs. They're coming, little man! Get 'em! Get that net in there and get 'em! Nearby, Carol, Jacqui, Andrea, and Amy are doing the laundry. Jacqui: I'm beginning to question the division of labor here. Andrea agrees. Shane: They're coming, little man! Get 'em! Get that net in there and get 'em! What have you got, bad boy? What do you got? What do you got? Carl: Dirt. Shane: Oh boy. All right, we've got to start over. Come on, let's find this bucket. Jacqui: Can someone explain to me how the women wound up doing all the Hattie McDaniel work? Amy: The world ended. Didn't you get the memo? Ed watches the women washing the laundry from his vehicle. Carol: It's just the way it is. Atlanta The men cut through a fence. Rick: Merle first or guns? Daryl: Merle! We ain't even having this conversation. Rick: We are. You know the geography. It's your call. Glenn: Merle's closest. The guns would mean doubling back. Merle first. Quarry Carol: I do miss my Maytag. Andrea: I miss my Benz, my sat nav. Jacqui: I miss my coffeemaker with that dual-drip filter and built-in grinder, honey. Amy: My computer... And texting. Andrea: I miss my vibrator. The women start to laugh. Jacqui: Oh! Amy: Oh my God! Carol: Me too. The girls continue to laugh. Ed notices them. Ed: What's so funny? Andrea: Just swapping war stories, Ed. Amy: Yeah. Ed comes up to them. Andrea: Problem, Ed? Ed: Nothin' that concerns you. And you ought to focus on your work. This ain't no comedy club. Quarry Lori comes down to the quarry. Lori: Hey, Carl, what did I tell you about not leaving Dale's sight? Carl: But Shane said we could catch frogs, remember? Lori: It doesn't matter what Shane says. It matters what I say. Go on back to camp. I'll be right behind you. Carl heads back up to the RV. Shane: I've got to tell you, I do not think you should be taking this out on him. Lori: You don't tell me what to do. You lost that privilege. Shane: Lori, could you just wait up a sec? I think we should talk. We haven't had a chance... Lori: No. No no. That's over too. You can tell that to the frogs. Shane: Damn it, Lori. Look, I don't know how it appears to you or what you think... Lori: How it appears to me? I'm sorry. Is there a gray area here? Let me dispel it. You stay away from me. You stay away from my son. You don't look at him. You don't talk to him. From now on, my family is off-limits to you. Shane: Lori, I don't think that's fair. Lori: Shane, shut up. Don't! Shane: I don't think that... Lori: My husband is back. He is alive. Shane: He's my best friend. Do you think I'm not happy about that? Lori: How dare you? Why would you be? You are the one that told me that he died. You son of a bitch. She storms away in anger. Shane is very upset. Atlanta In the building, the group finds a Walker in the department store. Daryl: Damn. You are one ugly skank. Daryl takes his crossbow and shoots it through the head. He pulls the arrow out. Quarry Shane watches as Lori and Carl leave. The woman are still doing the laundry as Ed watches them. Andrea: Ed, tell you what... you don't like how your laundry is done, you are welcome to pitch in and do it yourself. Here. She tosses a shirt at him and Ed throws it right back. Andrea: Oh! Ed: Ain't my job, missy. Carol: Andrea, don't. Andrea: What is your job, Ed? Sitting on your ass smoking cigarettes? Ed: Well, it sure as hell ain't listening to some uppity smart-mouthed bitch. Tell you what... come on. Let's go. Andrea: I don't think she needs to go anywhere with you, Ed. Ed: And I say it's none of your business. Come on now. You heard me. Andrea: Carol. Carol: Andrea, please. It doesn't matter. Ed: Hey, don't think I won't knock you on your ass just 'cause you're some college-educated cooze, All right? Now you come on now or you gonna regret it later. Jacqui: So she can show up with fresh bruises later, Ed? Yeah, we've seen them. Ed laughs and Shane notices all of this. Ed: Stay out of this. Now come on! You know what? This ain't none of y'all's business. You don't want to keep prodding the bull here, okay? Now I am done talking. Come on. Andrea: No no. Amy: Carol, you don't... Andrea: Carol, you don't have... Ed: You don't tell me what! I tell you what! Ed slaps Carol. Ed: You think you can... The girls start to protect Carol and they grab onto Ed. Ed is too big and none of them can prevent Ed from continuing to grab at Carol. Women: Get off her! Ed: Come here! Come here! Women: Get off her! Get off her! Get off her! Shane walks in and grabs Ed. Ed: Get off me! Ed demands that Shane get off of him. Carol: Ed? Shane throws Ed to the ground Amy: It's okay. It's okay. Ed: No! Andrea: It's okay. Ed: No! Shane pummels his face multiple times. Ed's face gets bloody as Shane continues to punch him. The girls watch in horror as Shane mutilates Ed's face. Andrea: Shane, stop! Just stop! Women: Stop it! Stop! Shane grabs Ed. Shane: You put your hands on your wife, your little girl or anybody else in this camp one more time, I will not stop next time. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! Ed: Yes. Shane: I'll beat you to death, Ed. Carol: Ed! Shane: I'll beat you to death. Shane hits him one more time and then kicks him in the stomach. Carol: Oh God! No. God! Carol bursts out in tears and kneels over him. Carol: Ed, I'm sorry. Oh my God. Ed, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ed. Ed, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ed. The other girls don't know how to react as Shane makes his way back to camp. Atlanta The boys reach the roof. They cut through the padlock and enter the roof. Daryl: Merle! Merle! Daryl sees something and starts to sob. Daryl: No! No! They stay there silent watching a saw on the ground. Daryl: No! The handcuff is empty and there's Merle's hand lying on the ground. Daryl: No! No!
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Ted from 2030: Kids, in my early days of being a professor, I had one simple goal: give a lecture that changes someone's life. Then one afternoon in 2010, I achieved that goal. Ted's class Ted: Unfinished. Of all the words you could use to describe La Sagrada Familia... Brown, pointy, weird... The one that really seems to stick is "unfinished." Why? Because on June 7, 1926, the architect Antoni Gaudi... Whose beard was also brown, pointy, weird and unfinished......was run over by a bus. And so, his greatest masterpiece would remain forever... Ted from 2030: But first, let's back up a few days. A few days earlier - The Bar Barney: Ted, look across the bar. Three chicks: one hot, one kind of hot and one who I'm assuming is really funny. We ride! What's wrong? Ted: I don't know. Got a burger coming. Marshall: Bro, I told you, if you ever need a wingman, I'm your guy. Barney: Yeah, I'm not going to go through that again. [FLAHBACK] Barney: Hi. Barney Stinson. Marshall: And I'm Marshall, Barney's wingman. Barney: Thank you for your time. [END OF FLAHBACK] Barney: Fine. I'll have a three-way with hot and kind of hot while Giggles works the camera. I ride! Robin: So, get this: Last night, I was watching TV, and it turns out, some random satellite channel picks up a certain local Chicago newscast. [FLASHBACK] (Robin is watching TV in her appartment) TV Speaker: And now, the 11:00 News with Don Frank. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Oh, man, it's bad enough to have to go through a horrible breakup, but then have that person pop up on your TV? Are you okay? Robin: Well, I'll admit, at first, I felt a little weird. But after the initial shock, I realized something: I've moved on. Finished with that. It was a peaceful moment of closure. Ted: That's great. Good for you. Robin: Yeah, thank you. Lily: Where's the poop, Robin? Robin: Excuse me? Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin? Robin:I don't know what you're talking about. Lily: Where's the poop, Robin? Robin:There's no poop. Lily: Where's the poop? Robin:Okay. So it wasn't entirely a peaceful moment of closure. [FLASHBACK] (Robin is watching TV, drinking a beer) Robin: Hey, Don, here's some breaking news: there's a zit breaking ou on your forehead. Finished with that. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Look, I'm not proud, but Don left so quickly that I never got the chance to have that final showdown. So yelling at him, even on TV, felt kind of good. And you know what? Now I truly am over him. Ted: That's great. Robin: Thank you. Lily: Good for you. Where's the poop, Robin? Robin: Damn it! Okay, in the process of truly getting over him, I may have called him and left an... indelicate voice mail. [FLASHBACK] (Robin is on the phone with Don's vocal) Robin: I am gonna kill you. I'm gonna fly to Chicago, kill you, put your stupid face on a deep dish pizza and eat it. And then maybe catch a Bears game. But mostly the killing and eating your face thing. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Give me your phone. We're deleting Don's number. Robin: Don't worry. I am never doing that again. It was a one-time thing. Lily: Prove it. Delete contact. Robin: There. Deleted. (Barney comes back) Marshall: Back already. How was flying solo? And by "solo," I mean so low that you got shot down. Barney: Look, I didn't get shot down. Trust me, I'll get the yes. Barney Stinson always gets the yes. This is all part of the plan. After initial contact, I'm now in the ignoring phase. Lily: Barney, why can't you just take a girl out to dinner like a normal person? Barney: Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get the yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact that s*x just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have s*x with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her. Ted from 2030: The next day, at the university, I had a surprise visitor. At the university Ted: What are you doing here? Oh, God! You're dating one of my students. It's Rachel, isn't it? Barney, I know she wears provocative sweaters, but she's 19! Now I'm gonna have to hear all about it, right? Go on, tell me every detail. Barney: No, you pent-up old perv. I brought you a present. Recognize this? Ted: It's my building. Ted from 2030: Kids, you may remember that, a few years earlier, I was chosen to design the new Manhattan headquarters for Goliath National Bank. It was the opportunity every architect dreams about. And when the project was ultimately scrapped... it broke my heart. Barney: Do you remember how awesome it was to be co-workers... Nay, bro-workers? Ted: Wait a minute. Y-You don't mean... Barney: Ted Mosby, it's back on. We're gonna build your building. [CREDITS OPENING] The bar Marshall: This is awesome... You're designing our new headquarters. Now, there will be voices that tell you a hockey rink on the roof is unfeasible. You've got to shut those voices out. Ted: Actually, I think I'm gonna say no. Robin: No? Are you kidding me? Lily: But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream. Ted: I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall. Marshall: Dude, none taken. Yes, GNB is, the Empire from Star Wars. But the Death Star's gonna get built either way. And don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume? I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that a single bullet fired into a particular vent would explode the whole thing. Ted: For all we know, that was the contractor's fault. Marshall: But that won't happen on your watch... you know why? Because you're Ted Mosby! And you are gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan, with clearly marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level. Ted: Look, I know this is hard to understand, but right now, I have a quiet, simple, happy little life. And I like it that way. I know what my answer has to be. Barney's office Ted: I can't take the job, Barney. I'm done with that life. No hard feelings? Barney: Of course not. Ted: All right. Ted from 2030: And I thought that was the end of the story. But then that night... The Bar Ted: I'm telling you, no architect would ever design a giant exposed vent right over a Death Star's core reactor. That's Space Architecture 101. It had to be the contractor. Barney, back me up. Barney. Dude, this is important. Barney: I need another drink. Ted: Marshall, you want anything? Marshall: No, I'm fine. Ted: Okay, I get that he's mad at me for turning down the job, but acting like I'm not even here? Marshall: Wait, you turned down the job? When? Ted: This morning. Marshall: That's so weird. Just, like, an hour ago, when we were leaving work... [FLASHBACK] (Barney's office) Marshall: So, you still think Ted's gonna take the job? Barney: Please. I'll get the yes. Barney Stinson always gets the yes. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Am I wrong or is that exactly what Barney says when he's putting the moves on a girl? Marshall: Exactly. I mean, it's almost like he's putting the moves on you. Ted: Yeah, more like the opposite. He's been ignoring me all night. Barney wants me to take the job so bad he's putting the moves on me? Marshall: I hope that's his end game. Actually, I don't. I like you two together. Ted: I don't buy it. That's crazy, even for Barney. Marshall: Okay, well, think about it. We've seen his moves countless times. What does he do after he's done ignoring a girl? [FLASHBACK] Barney: Chrissy, I love your glasses. Chrissy: Really? Barney: They totally pull focus up from that whole chin situation you got going on. To Chrissy. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: The backhanded compliment to lower her self-esteem... a proven winner. Ted: But Barney hasn't done... Barney: Ted, I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of fashion or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted. Robin's appartment - Lily comes in Robin: Hey, Lily! Lily: Don't "Hey, Lily" me. I smelled poop all the way from the hallway. Robin: Oh, no, not this again. Lily: Where's the poop, Robin? Robin: Okay, I left Don another message. [FLASHBACK] Robin: "This just in" is what I'm gonna say when I'm stabbing you. (END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: But that's impossible. You deleted his number. Robin: I tried to. But then this thing popped up on my phone that said, "Are you sure?" And I wasn't sure. I can't lie to my phone. Lily:Oh, sweetie, I totally understand. Delete it! Robin: It's not that easy, okay? You're not just deleting a number, you're deleting a part of your life. You know, all those memories, all those experiences. It's like you're admitting they're gone forever. Lily: I know, sweetie. I know. Delete it! Robin: Okay, if it's that easy, I'm gonna delete one of your numbers from your phone, see how you like it. Lily: My "plezh." If you can find a number in there that I don't call regularly, I'll gladly delete it. Robin: Super Kicks Karate. Lily: No, not that one. That's my dojo. Robin: You have a dojo? Lily: I took an introductory karate class. [FLASHBACK] Lily: Ops, wrong room. Where do the grown-ups go for the real karate class? Boy: What's the matter, lady? You scared? Lily: Of you? Please. I'm a kindergarten teacher. Boy: I hated kindergarten. All three times. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: But I'm totally gonna sign up for more lessons. Robin: How long ago did you take that class? Lily: I don't know. It was around the time when everyone was going, "Wassuuuuuuup!" Robin: How do you even remember that? Lily, this is a number that you will never dial again. Lily: I might. Robin: No, no. But you keep it in your phone because it reminds you of a version of yourself that you could be, even if it's a version of yourself that you'll never become. And that's okay. Lily: No, it's not. Okay, you know what? There, gone. Your move, Scherbatsky. [SCENE_BREAK] (Ted and Marshall enters the appartment) Ted: I finally know what your kind goes through. I get it now. Robin: For the last time, I don't care how big it was, it is not the same as giving birth. Marshall: No! Barney's been "putting the moves" on Ted. Lily: Oh, that sucks. Although I like you two together. Marshall: No, he's been doing it to try to get Ted to design the new GNB Tower. Robin: Which moves are we talking about? Did he do the thing where he brags on himself in the form of a complaint? [FLASHBACKS] Barney: Man, every time I take out my business card and women see the GNB logo, they throw themselves at me. I miss the chase. It sucks! (...) Man, the courtside Knicks seats that are available to all upper level GNB employees are too close to the action. I keep getting sweat on my suit. It sucks! (...) Man, GNB's benefits package is so comprehensive it gives me the freedom to see any doctor I want. It sucks! [END OF FLASHBACKS] Ted: He did. Robin: And the intense eye contact thing? [FLASHBACK] Barney: So, Ted, would you like to split some jalapeno poppers? [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Okay. Yep. Robin: And the thing where he establishs intimacy through physical contact? [FLASHBACK] Ted: You know why jalapeno poppers are so good? It's the cream cheese. Barney: That is so true. Ted: Yeah... Cream cheese has a mild flav-flavor so it... it balances out the spiciness of the jal... the spiciness of the... Dude! [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: So at any point in this did you say, "Barney, I know what you're doing, and it's not going to work. I am not taking that job"? Ted: Well, I mean, not exactly in those... Lily: You're loving this. Ted: No. Lily: You are. You're loving the attention. Ted: It's nice to be wanted, okay? And, yes, this is a new vest. Thank you all for noticing. Oh, that's right, you didn't. Barney did! Robin: Oh, Teddy, you are so going to spread your legs and design that building. Ted: I am not that kind of architect. So get this... (Ted goes into his room) Lily: Robin never deleted Don's number. Robin: Oh, everyone thinks it's so easy. Give me your phone. Let's delete one of yours. Marshall: Okay. No problem. If you can find a number that I don't need or shouldn't have in here, be my guest, but good luck. I keep my phone tight. Robin: Edwin. Marshall: Oh, no, not that one. That's the booker for the club that my band plays at. You know, my all-lawyer funk band... you remember... The Funk, the Whole Funk and Nothing but the Funk. [FLASHBACK] (Ted, Lily and Robin are listening to Marshall's band playing) *Your witness lied so your case is sunk, hah! I sentence you to a life of funk Counselors, how do you plead? Funky. * [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: You guys played one gig four years ago. I'm deleting it. Marshall: No, no, we're gonna... we're gonna play another gig again. Probably really soon. It's just we all got super busy, and... We're not going to play another gig again, are we? Lily: Probably not, baby. Robin: See, it's hard to hit that delete button, isn't it? Marshall: Well, it's just that without that number in my phone, I'm just a corporate lawyer working 60 very un-funky hours a week. Robin: Sorry, Marshall. But if I have to, you have to. Lily: Okay. Your turn. Barney's office - Ted comes in Ted: Barney, I gotta tell you something. Barney: Oh, that reminds me. I got you a little airplane. It represents the spirit of adventure. Do you like it, Ted? Do you? Ted: Stop it. Stop looking at me like I'm the only person in the world who matters. I'm not designing the GNB Tower. Barney: Yeah, I know. You turned it down. We hired someone else. The bar Ted: Can you believe it? He's resorting to the oldest move in the book. The classic, "pretend to take the offer off the table so I'll want it more." It's so obvious, right? As if that's going to make me be like, "Oh, God, I never should have said no." Marshall: It's not a move, dude. I executed the paperwork for the new architect this morning. Barney wasn't lying. Ted: Oh, God, I never should have said no! Come on, GNB didn't really hire a new architect. This is just one of Barney's moves. Marshall: It's not a move, dude. The senior partners were getting impatient. I thought you didn't even want the job. Ted: I didn't! I don't! I don't. I don't! Barney's office - Ted comes in Ted: Okay, I'll do it! Barney: What? Ted, it's too late. Ted: I'll design it for half of what you're paying the other architect. And you know I will do stuff they would never do. Lobby stuff. Barney: Wow, half? Ted, on behalf of Goliath National Bank... Marshall: Okay, it's a move. Ted: What? Barney: Dude! Marshall: There is no other architect. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I lied. I was being Barney's wingman, and I never get to be the wingman. Ted: You guys lied to me? Barney: You're the world's worst wingman. You know what? I'm out of here. Marshall: I can do better. Take me back. You son of a bitch! Ted: Look, I can't do business with people who lie to me. Barney: We only lied to you to make you realize that you want this job. Ted: No, I don't. I mean, I know I said I did, but that's only because I fell for the same creepy, pickup artist voodoo of yours that countless women... Barney: 236. Ted:...before me fell for. Wow, respect. Marshall: No... Ted... you want to do this, okay? You're just scared of getting hurt again. But you can't let fear steal your funk. That is good. There is a song in there. Excuse me. Barney: Come on, Ted! This is your dream. Ted: No, it's not. Not anymore. And you know what? Letting go of that dream was the best decision I ever made. You guys actually think I have some lingering itch to be an architect? Work 20 hours a day and weekends? To get ulcers and pull my hair out and worry and doubt myself and then at the end of it all, have the rug pulled out from under me? I love being a professor, okay? All that stupid crap they tell you about how fulfilling teaching is? It's all true. I'm happy, and I'm not letting go of that. My answer's no. The bar - Robin comes in Robin: Hey, guys. Lily: Where's the poop, Robin? Robin: How do you do that? You are like a bomb-sniffing dog, except with poop. You are a poop-sniffing dog. Marshall: I think that's just called a dog. Lily: Where's the poop, Robin? Robin: Fine. I called Don again. [FLASHBACK] Robin: Hey, Don! It's Robin again. Look, I am sorry for all the calls. It's just, I saw you on the news, and it made me a little crazy for a minute. I guess I wasn't as over our breakup as I thought. But I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am going to kill you. No... No, I'm not. I am happy for you. And that Asian slut on your Facebook page. She's dead, too. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: I thought you deleted his number. Robin: I did, but it turns out, I memorized it. You can't delete contacts from your brain, Lily. Lily: Well, you have to try. If you ever want to have closure... Robin: I am never going to have closure. Okay? Closure doesn't exist. Okay, one day, Don and I are moving in together, and the next thing I know, he's on a plane to Chicago. It just... ended. And no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We'll always be... Ted's class Ted: Unfinished. Gaudi, to his credit, never gave up on his dream, but that's not usually how it goes. I mean, usually, it isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown, pointy, weird church from getting built. Most of the time, it's just too difficult or too expensive, or too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be... Barney's office Ted: Hey, Barney. Hey, Rachel. Rachel, why aren't you in class? Rachel: Why aren't you in class? Barney: Yeah, Ted. Why aren't you in class? You son of a bitch. I'll call Marshall. We'll draw up the contract. Ted: Not so fast. I'm not that easy. Ted from 2030: And so I made Barney break his golden rule. I made him take me out to dinner before I finally gave him the thing he always got. Yes. And even though it didn't happen right away... Robin's appartment TV Speaker: And now, the 11:00 News with Don Frank. (Robin makes a phone call) Voice: Bueno? Robin: Who is this? Voice: No hablo ingles. Quien es? Robin: I'm sorry. Is this 917-456... I'm sorry, 465... No, wait. Ted from 2030: Robin finally got some closure, too. Robin: Sorry. Wrong number. Finished with that. Lily arrives at the dojo Lily: Hey, punk! Bit of advice. Next time you step on a kindergarten teacher's neck, you better finish the job. Man: I knew this day would come.
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[What happened in the previous episode.] [PREVIOUSLY_ON] Aria: It's too hard to sit in this room every day and call you Mr. Fitz. Okay, I can't pretend like I don't know you. Hanna: I'm really sorry, mom. Ashley: For what? Hanna: The cop. Spencer: We're meeting Melissa's fiancé. Wren: Does she have to know everything? Spencer: Stop, stop. We can't. Wilden: This is no longer a missing person's investigation. It's a murder. Hanna: Is this waiting thing something you really want, or is it because of your dad? Sean: No, it's me. It's... It's my choice. Maya: So, I'm corrupting you. Ben: What are you so weirded out about? Emily: I think there's something wrong with me. Pam: You lost a dear friend. You need to find a way to say good-bye. [In the woods] Hanna: Whose idea was this, again? Spencer: Emily's mom. Emily: The shed was me. My mom just said we should do something for us. Hanna: Well, couldn't we do something without mosquitoes? Aria: They're not mosquitoes, they're gnats. Hanna: Whatever! They're small and annoying, and they're flying up my nose. Spencer: Well, they're attracted to your perfume. And your hair product. And your lip gloss. Hanna: So, what are you saying, I attract flies? Aria: Gnats. Emily: Why do I feel like this is the wrong way? Spencer: No, this is it. I remember that tree. It's the halfway point. There's 136 steps left to the shed. Emily: Have you been out here since... Alison? Spencer: Me? No. No way. Aria: But you remember that tree. Hanna: You guys, it's not that weird. I mean, we came out here in eighth grade like, every day... even after. Spencer: I think this is totally the wrong place to do this. Whatever you call it.. shrine. Emily: It's not a shrine. It's just a place to remember Alison. What's wrong with that? Spencer: Doing it way out here makes it look like we have something to hide. Emily: You're worried what other people think? Spencer: Well, aren't you? Do you really want to give that creepy Detective more reasons to question us? Emily: Hanna, why are you so quiet? Hanna: I'm trying to keep the bugs in my nose and out of my mouth. Emily: You're allowed to have an opinion on this. Hanna: You want my opinion? I say we hold off and not remember her 'til we know for sure she's not still here. Everybody: What? Aria: What are you talking about? Emily: You think she's still alive? Spencer: Hanna, they found her body. Aria: Stop. I'm officially scared. Can we just not... Hanna: You know, you asked for my opinion. I don't believe she's really gone. Spencer: We went to her funeral! Ashley: Yeah, and when we left we all got a text from her. Emily: It wasn't her. Someone is messing with us. Hanna: How do you know? And what about all those nasty messages? I mean, how does this "A"person know stuff only Ali knew? Aria: Okay, this conversation is giving me a hive. Hanna: That's a bite. Mosquito. Emily: Spencer, have you gotten any more messages? Spencer: Haven't you? Branches rustling Emily: What was that? Did you hear that? Aria: Yes, I heard that. I'm standing right next to you. Hanna: Hello? Is anybody out there? Spencer: It's probably a rabbit. Hanna: Hello? Spencer: It's a rabbit, Hanna. It's not gonna answer you. Emily: Can we just get to the shed? More branches rustling Hanna: Okay, that is definitely not a rabbit. Someone's out there. Emily: Let's turn around. The girls' cellphones ring [Opening credits] [In Hanna's kitchen] Wilden: Morning. Hanna: Where's my mother? Wilden: I guess she ran upstairs for somethin'. I'm trying to figure out what makes this stuff spreadable. You want a waffle or somethin'? Hanna: No. Thanks. Wilden: There she is. It's canola oil! Ashley: Darren, why don't you get dressed? I'll take care of breakfast. Wilden: Yeah. Hanna: So what, he lives here now? Ashley: Take out the milk. Hanna: Is this a permanent thing? Ashley: Would you keep your voice down, please? Hanna: God, it was one pair of sunglasses, and they were last season's. Ashley: Hand me the waffles. Hanna: Mom, you don't have to do this. Ashley: Do what? Hanna: Squeeze his grapefruit. Ashley: We will talk after breakfast. Hanna: I don't eat breakfast, and neither do you. Ashley: Look. Until he gets the store to drop the charges for your shopping spree, we're not kicking anyone to the curb. The last thing we want is an enemy on the police force. Hanna: I get it, okay? But I didn't count on having to buy him a father's day card, either. Ashley: Hanna! The situation is delicate. By the way, if you're buying anyone a card, it should be me. [At a restaurant] Byron: Well, you're pretty far into it. Aria: Yeah, I've got, like, 60-some pages left, and I don't want it to end. Byron: You should read her biography next. Ella: The father-worship thing becomes a lot clearer. Aria: Well, I would worship both of you a lot more... if you got me another one of these. Ella: Uh, the poppy seed? We'll split it. Make sure your father doesn't drink all my coffee, please. Byron: Do you like your teacher? Aria: What? Byron: Your English teacher. Do you like him? Aria: Oh! Yeah. Uh, he's okay. Byron: What's his name again? Aria: Mr. Fitz. Hey, maybe I'll... I'll check out that biography at school. What's it called? Byron: I've got a copy of it in my office. I'll bring it home. It might inspire you. Aria: To what, write a novel? Byron: You've got it in you. Meredith: Byron? Byron: Hey! Hi. How you doing? Meredith: Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Byron: No, no, no, that's okay. [Flashback in the street where Aria sees his father kissing Meredith] [Back at the table] Byron: Uh... Um, Aria this is, uh, Meredith Sorenson. She also teaches in the department, uh, my department, and this is Aria, my daughter. Meredith: Oh, Aria! Hi. Of course you are. Did you get my message? Byron: Yes I did, and I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to call you back. Meredith: That's okay, they just need he referral by Monday, and... Byron: I'll get to it as soon as I get back to campus. Is there an e-mail, or... Meredith: Here. So, how does it feel to be home? This town must seem a little dull after spending a whole year overseas. Aria: Not really. Byron: Okay, well, I'll, uh... I'll send that before lunch. Meredith: Thanks. I'm so glad I ran into you. Nice to meet you. Welcome home. Meredith leaves Aria: Why can't she graduate? Byron: She has. I told you. She's now a teaching assistant. Not mine, but her office is across the hall. I can't pretend like she doesn't exist, Aria. It's a small college. Aria: Mm, not small enough. [In the Hastings' kitchen] Veronica: You can't avoid seeing people, sweetie. It is what it is. Melissa: And what's that... Sad? Humiliating? Pathetic? All of the above? Just... take someone else. I don't want to have to explain a wedding that's never gonna happen to every last club member. Spencer: Morning. Veronica: Hey. Melissa: Excuse me. Melissa throws wedding magazines in the trash Spencer: Where's Dad? Veronica: He left for the office. Spencer: Already? So he ran without me? Why didn't he just knock on my door? Veronica: He was busy. He was helping Melissa dispose of some things that... Wren left behind. Melisssa: Unfortunately, you weren't one of them. Spencer: How many times am I going to have to say it? Veronica: Oh, girls, please! I can't arbitrate on one cup of coffee. Melissa: Who's calling the paper to pull the announcement? It was hard enough changing my status on Facebook! Veronica: I'll take care of the newspaper. Melissa: What about the engagement dinner? Do I have to make that call? Veronica: No, honey, of course not. Just look up the number and I'll leave a message. To Spencer Where are you going? Spencer: I'll eat in my bedroom. Veronica: Oh, no, you won't. I just dry-cleaned your bedspread. Sit at the table. Spencer: I don't think I'm welcome. Melissa: That's never stopped you before. Spencer: I did not invite your fiancé to kiss me Melissa. For the last time, he made the move on me! Veronica: Spencer, please. Melissa: Right, you just sat there like a throw pillow with your tongue down his throat! Spencer: Look, I get it! You're upset and I feel for you, but don't dump it all on me. Maybe you should be asking yourself why Wren felt the need to... I'm sorry. Okay? I'm not perfect, but I don't want to be accused of something that I didn't do! Veronica: Oh, stop please. Both of you! Go get dressed for school. You can take your muffin to go. [In the street] Mona: Ah! Totally love this color. We should've stocked up on a few more tubes. Hanna: Well, I only have two hands. Keep it. Mona: Why, is your mom asking to see receipts? Sean: It's hilarious. Hanna: Sean! What's so funny? Sean: Nothin'. Noel's just out of control. Mm, you smell good. Noel: Save something for tomorrow night. Mona: What's tomorrow night? Sean: Noel's parents are leaving town. Noel: It means the party of the year is officially on. Think big, think wild, think parental units in a different time zone. Sean: I gotta get to practice. Save that smell. Noel and Sean leave Mona: So, the pressure's on. Hanna: What do you mean? Mona: Not all of us have a Sean to wear to that party, and I'm not gonna spend the night guarding the bushes so you can jump each other's bones. Hanna: Okay, we're not gonna be doing it in the bushes. Mona: Whatever. Have you guys even done it yet? Hanna: It's not a race, Mona. Mona: Okay mom, seriously. No one's pushing you to be natty ho, but you guys have been going out for months. If you're not together in that way, how do you know you're together-together? How long can you wait before you lose him? [Near Hanna and Mona were] Maya: I was going to offer you a ride, but your bike's faster than my car. Emily: I passed you? I didn't even see you. Maya: I saw you. You took that corner on one wheel. Ben: Got ya! Emily: Ben, stop. Ben: Fine. I can wait one more day. Well, you guys heard, right? Noel's doing his cabin party tomorrow night. Maya: Is this one of Rosewood's pagan rituals? Ben: Kinda. There was definitely some howling last year. Emily: Why don't you come with us? Please, come. It'll be fun. [In the corridors of the high school] Ezra: Good morning. Aria: Hi. Ezra enters his classroom Aria: Russian history? Spencer: Yeah. Aria: How many AP classes does it take until your brain explodes? Spencer: I'm already drowning in there. Aria: Why, what's drowning for you, B+? Spencer: First paper's due Monday, and I've written two words. My name. Aria: Well, what's going on? Hey, you're not still freaked out about what happened in the woods yesterday, are you? Look, we do not have to do this thing for Ali until we figure... Spencer: No, it's not just that. It's... It's everything. Is there any chance your family wants to adopt me? Toby & Jenna walk in front of them Emily has a flashback - Toby's carrying Jenna. Maya: Who is that? Emily: Toby Cavanaugh. Maya: Who's he? Emily: He's, uh, an older kid who used to go here and got sent away to a reform school or something. Maya: Why? Emily: He had a... He set fire to a garage, and his stepsister... she was in it. Maya: Should I be scared? Emily: What? No. Maya: See you later. Emily: Bye. Aria: He's back, too? When did that happen? Hanna: Maybe she needs help sending radioactive e-mails. Spencer: Yeah, or he may be sending a few of his own. Wilden: Hanna. Aria: Cops on campus too. Wilden: I just spoke with your principal, asked him if we could have a chat. Hanna: No, I have to get to class. Wilden: Don't worry. You've been excused. Let's go. Hanna & Wilden leave Aria: What is going on? Why just her? Emily: Probably thinks she's the easiest to crack. Spencer: She is. Jenna: Whisper, whisper, whisper. Almost feels like Alison's still here. Flashback in which we see the barn burning and the girls running [In Wilden's office] Wilden: I keep coming back to this ninth grade shaft, of you and Alison on the steps. Hanna: What about it? Wilden: Well, you made a lot of changes between ninth and tenth grade. Lost some weight, started styling your hair like Alison's. Hanna: Is that a crime? Wilden: No, just an observation. Hanna: No, she helped me make those changes. Wilden: Did she, really? Did she ever regret it? Start seeing you as her competition? Hanna: Nobody competed with Alison. You'd be stupid to even try. Wilden: Why? [Flashback at the restaurant of the high school probably] Ali: Ask him. You'll never know unless you ask. Now. Hanna: Um, Sean? Did you hear about the party at Noel kahn's? Sean: I heard. Hanna: I don't know. I was thinking about going, so I'm just wondering if you want to go too, with me. Ali: Everybody's going. She's going, I'm going. Why aren't you? Sean: Oh, yeah, no, I guess I am. [Back in the office] Wilden: What about this guy ? Did she ever talk about him? Hanna: What? Wilden: Stay with me, Hanna. It's important. Hanna: Why? What's the point? Wilden: The point is I'm trying to flesh out the details of that summer. Hanna: So you can ask me how much weight I lost? By making it look like hefty Hanna wanted Alison dead so I could replace her? Wilden: I'm not questioning you as a suspect, Hanna. We're just having a chat. Besides, one can't underestimate how much the past informs the present. Hanna: Really. So, you're still that same party boy you were in the class of '96? Did you call me down here to do keg stands? Wilden: Wow, looks like somebody's been doing their own homework. Hanna: I like to know who's joining us for breakfast. And, by the way, my tenth-grade picture isn't even in that yearbook. I had mono and missed the deadline. Now, my makeup picture is in my living room, which you must've seen while you were wearing a towel. Is that how the police build their cases these days? [SCENE_BREAK] [In the corridors of the high school] Spencer: What are you doing? Is that a new phone? Aria: Yeah, I'm checking my Kin. I'll just write on Hanna's wall from here. Emily: If she's not answering texts, what makes you think she's checking Facebook? Aria: It's worth a try. Hanna: What's going on? Aria: We've been trying to get ahold of you. What happened in there? Hanna: Nothing, just the same old stupid questions. Spencer: You were in there for an hour, Hanna. What else did he ask? Hanna: Nothing. He just took a couple calls, and I just sat there, waiting for him to shut up. Aria: Well, is he gonna question all of us alone now? Hanna: Who knows? Look, let's do this at lunch, okay? I have to hit the ladies' before my next class. Spencer: Is she being weird? Emily: She's being weird. I'll see you guys at lunch. Spencer: Bye. [In Ezra's classroom] Aria: Hey. Ezra: Hey. Are you here to ask about the homework assignment? Aria: Do you have plans this weekend? Ezra: I'm thinking we should talk about the homework assignment. Aria: So you do have plans. Ezra: I don't. Aria: Okay, well, there's... This opening at the gallery where my mom works, and I promised I'd help out, so if you're free... Ezra: Do you think that's wise, hanging with you and your folks, a parent-teacher conference over free wine? Aria: Okay, fine. It's a bad idea. What... if we met up afterwards? I could tell them I'm going to Noel kahn's party. Ezra: Maybe you should. Go to the party. Aria: Why... would I want to do that? Ezra: So your classmates don't suspect you've lost interest in your peers. Aria: Too late. Ezra, I want... Oh. A woman enters Mrs Welch: Ezra.. Oh, Sorry. Excuse me. Ezra: No, it's fine. Come in, Mrs. Welch. Um. So, are we clear about the homework assignment? Aria: Yes, totally. If I have any questions, I'll reach out to you. Ezra: Great. Aria: Thank you, Mr. Fitz. [In front of Wren's "squat"] Wren: Did your sister send you here? Spencer: God, no. She has no idea I even called you. Things were never great between us, but... now it's like the hurt locker. It just gets worse every day. Wren: I'm sorry to hear that. Spencer: So, you're living here now? Wren: Squatting. It's not exactly the Hastings manor, but I have a whole sofa to myself. Spencer: Wren, I need your help. Wren: We only have the one sofa. Can you sleep on a ping-pong table? Spencer: Look, I need you to tell them what really happened. Wren: I tried. They won't return my phone calls. Spencer: I know I'm not completely innocent in all of this. I've done a lot of stuff that I'm not proud of, but... not that night. I never wanted you guys to break up. Wren: I don't think it would matter what I said. Once your parents decide how they're gonna think of someone, it's royal decree. You're brilliant, you're rubbish. There's very little in between. Spencer: Could you at least try my dad again? Wren: Spencer, put your efforts elsewhere. My guess is that your jail sentence will be commuted the moment you score a winning point or ace a test. Spencer: This might not be that simple. Wren: Give it time. Look, I know I made a bloody mess of it, and I'm sorry for putting you in the middle of it. But perhaps my real mistake was falling for the wrong sister. Spencer: Um, I should go. It's just the 4:00 train, and I have this huge paper to write that's due Monday. Wren: You gotta get back to that wretched place called home, right. [In the girls' locker room of the high school] Emily: Hello? Hello? Anybody here? Hello? Ben appears Oh, God! Ben: Damn! You're jumpy. Emily: How did you get in here? Ben: Walked. Emily: Yeah, well, if somebody catches you... Ben: I'll take my chances. Besides, we need some alone time. Emily: I... need to get dressed. Ben: Don't bother. Emily: I can't do this now. My mom's expecting me. Ben: What's up, Em? Last week you were all over me in my car. This week I'm some marching band geek with funyun breath. What's going on? Emily: Nothing. I've just... got a lot on my mind, okay? Ben: All right. Maybe you need to relax. Emily: Ben, I can't do this right now. Ben: What? Emily: Seriously, stop it. Hey, you're acting strange. Ben, get off me! Get off! Stop it! Toby comes in, and fights with Ben That's enough! Okay? Stop. Ben: Is this creep a friend of yours? Is he the reason you're acting like this? Emily: Ben, get over yourself, okay? Ben: Get over myself? Emily: It's done. We're over. [Ella's office] Ella: The owner refuses to use a computer, which is only mildly irritating, because half of these contacts died during the Reagan administration. That was fast. This is my daughter, Aria. Also known as my savior, because when I got here, there were about three cups. Thank you, my dear. Uh, this is Meredith. She works with your dad. Meredith: We've met, actually. Nice to see you. Ella: Meredith just wandered in. She's looking for somebody who shows alternative art. Meredith: And your mother's been very helpful. Thank you so much, Ella. Ella: Oh, you're welcome. So, we'll see you tonight? Meredith: Mm-hmm. Ella: Okay. Aria: Tonight? Ella: Yeah, I invited her to the opening, which may be a success now that we don't have to eat Cobb salad with our fingers. Thank you. I'll see you later. Meredith: For Sure. Bye-bye. Aria: You can't come tonight. Meredith: Why not? Aria: You know why not, and so do I... But my mom doesn't. Meredith: I don't know what you're talking about. Aria: Look, I saw the way you were looking at my dad yesterday. I have eyes, so just find someone who's available. My dad isn't. [The Marins' kitchen] Ashley: How are you getting home? If there's any drinking, I will pick you up. Wilden: Or I could take you, if you don't mind riding in the squad car. I wouldn't use the cuffs. Hanna: I'll be fine, thanks. Hanna leaves Wilden: What? It was a joke. Ashley: So, have you heard from the store? Are they prosecuting or... or not? Wilden: No, I haven't heard, but I have a call into them, so... Wilden takes a bracelet in Hanna's bag Ashley: What are you doing? Wilden: Where have I seen this before? It's nice. Is that from you? Ashley: Alison gave it to her. Wilden: That's right. She mentioned that at school today. Ashley: Why were you at her school? Wilden: I was interviewing Hanna again. That's my day job. Ashley: Why was my kid being questioned a second time? Wilden: Because she's close to the victim, and because kids keep secrets. Ashley: Not mine. And if you're thinking she knows more than she's letting on, you're out of line. Sticky fingers is a long way off from what you're talking about. Wilden: Okay, easy mama bear. It's just a routine investigation. Ashley: Well, then you're gonna need a search warrant to go through her purse. Wilden: So, can I help with dinner? Ashley: Yeah. She gives him the pizza Have it someplace else. Breakfast, too. [At Noel's] Maya: Come on, lighten up. Emily: I should've stayed home. Maya: Why, 'cause you broke up with somebody? What are you supposed to do, spend the rest of the school year hiding under your bed? Emily: There he is. Maya: Did you do that to his face? Damn. It's a good color on him. Hanna: Hey, Em. Sean: Yo, what just happened? Ben: So, you decided to come after all. Emily: Yeah, I did. Just not with you. [In the Hastings' kitchen] Spencer transfers Melissa's homework on her laptop and puts her name where Melissa's one was written. Veronica enters, Melissa follows Spencer: Hey. Hi, how was the club? Veronica: Chilly. Nobody who works there can figure out a thermostat. Did you eat? Spencer: Yeah, I made some pasta if you're hungry. Melissa: I'm not eating pasta. I don't need to be depressed and fat. Veronica: Good point. I'll make a salad. Let me get out of these clothes. She leaves Melissa: Wren called. He told me you went into the city yesterday to meet him. It was strange. At first I wasn't sure why he was telling me this, but then I realized he's still trying to cover his tracks and yours. Like I'm supposed to believe you took a train down there just to clear your name? You two deserve each other. I thought I was pathetic. [Noel's party] Sean: Ooh! Damn. Did you see that? Hanna: Awesome. Look, can this be your last game? Mona: Whatever. Have you guys...? Seriously. Hanna: I'll be right back. [Outside] Aria: He tackled Ben? What was Toby even doing in the girls' locker room? Spencer: Why are you shocked? Toby's a perv. We caught him peeping through the windows, watching us undress. Emily: Alison's the one who saw him do that. We never did. Hanna: What's up? Aria: Toby Cavanaugh got into a fight with Ben over Emily. Emily: It wasn't over me. God. Look, he just... saved me. Spencer: For what, himself? Hanna: Ew. Aria: If we hadn't asked you about Ben, would you have told us about this? Spencer: Toby is not a good guy, Emily. He could be seriously dangerous. Emily: If he's such a bad guy, why'd he take the fall for us? Aria: Is this another secret? Do you know something that we don't? Hanna: Guys, why don't we just, like chill, and talk about this somewhere else? When we're alone. Aria: I... don't even know what "just us" means anymore. Hanna: Yeah, uh... Let's talk about it tomorrow, okay? Are we still meeting up at the shed? She leaves Aria: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Why not? Emily: Where are you going? Aria: The gallery. I promised my mom. She leaves and Maya comes to Emily & Spencer Maya: Have you checked out the photobooth they've got in there? Emily: No. Show me the booth. [Flashback, in front of Toby's -probably-] Ali (to Toby): I'll make sure everybody knows! (To Spencer) Didn't I tell you to stay over there, and let me take care of this? What did you hear? Spencer: Nothing. Nothing. Emily: What's going on? What happened to Jenna? Ali: It's done. We were never here. Let's go. Hanna: But... Ali: But what? Hanna: What if we said it was an accident? Ali: No, we're not telling anybody anything. Damn it, Hanna. Don't make me sorry I ever included you in the first place. I have gone out of my way to bring your big, wannabe butt into this group. You better keep your mouth shut, unless you want to go back to spending your weekends alone, dance dance revolution and a jumbo bag of chips. Aria: Ali, stop it! Just leave her alone. Ali: I'm sorry, Hanna. I didn't mean that. I'm just freaked out, guys. This is bad. Really bad. I never would've done it if I thought someone was in there. I just... I don't know what's gonna happen... to us. Can we just go? Come on. [Back at the party] Sean: What made you come up here? Hanna: I had some time to kill while you were foosballing. Sean: Hey, I was on a roll! Hanna: I thought you liked contact sports. [In the photobooth] Emily: Ready? Maya: Wait. I gotta prepare. If this comes out decent, I'm gonna cut mine out and replace the one on my driver's license. Emily: Yeah, they're always scary. Maya: No, I skipped scary. I went straight to snooki. Emily: Can I see it? Come on, I'll show you mine. It's probably worse. Maya: No way. What could be wrong with yours? You're crazy beautiful. Emily: Uh, which button is it again? Um, this one. She presses the button Okay. Photos are taken, they kiss, another photo is taken, they leave the photobooth Maya: Think there's any pizza left? Emily: Where are the pictures? Maya: Damn, I told you I break cameras. Emily: No, seriously, where are they? Maya: Probably just ran out of paper. Come on. Let's eat something. [Somewhere near Noel's house] Sean: What are you looking for? Hanna: What do you think? Sean: Hanna, please stop. Hanna: You're kidding, right? I mean, you said you wanted it to be special. This is pretty special, if you're not afraid of spiders. Sean: Oh, it's... I don't wanna do this right now. Hanna: Well, then, where do you want to go? We can't exactly afford a weekend at a five-star hotel. Sean: It's not about where. Hanna: Then what is it about? Is this about me? Tell me. Tell me why this is not happening, and don't start quoting scripture. Sean: Why are you acting like this? Hanna: Like what? Sean: Like you've got something to prove. Hanna: Because maybe I do! Maybe you still think of me as that dumpy junior high girl who laughed at all your jokes and gave you cuts in line and followed you around like some groupie. Sean: No, I... I liked that girl. But... but this one seems... desperate. Hanna: Any guy at this party would be happy to be with me. Why aren't you? Sean: We already talked about this, okay? Take this. It's cold up here. Hanna: Leave me alone. I don't want your stupid jacket. [At the gallery] Byron: Well, you are. Ella: He's just saying this because he has to. Byron: No, I.. Meredith comes in Aria: What are you doing here? Did you forget what we talked about? Meredith: You talked. I listened. Aria: What didn't you understand? You need to leave now. Meredith: Listen, sweetie, I'm not in high school. You don't have any say in this. [Outside Noel's] Mona: Hanna! Hanna, what's up? Hanna! Wait, why are you taking Sean's car? Hanna! [Ezra's apartment] Ezra: Hey. I thought you were helping out at the gallery. Aria: I was. Can I come in? Ezra: I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Aria: I'm s... I'm sorry. This was... a mistake. I shouldn't have come here. I just didn't know where else to go. I'll see you on Monday. Ezra: No, wait. Are you... are you okay? Do you need me to drive you home? Aria: That's the last place I want to be. Ezra: Why? What happened? Aria: Can... can we just... be here for a minute? [In front of Emily's] Emily: Good night Maya. Maya: Godd night Emily. See you. Emily walks to Toby's Emily: Hi. I... I never got a chance to... I just wanted to thank you. I mean... I'm not sure why you... Well, it doesn't matter. Again, thanks. She leaves Jenna: Why is she thanking you? Why is she thanking you? Toby: It's not what you think. [In the woods] Spencer: Alison wanted us across the streetso she could have it out with Toby. Ali had something on him. Hanna: Besides being a total perv who peeped in our windows? Spencer: Yeah, something way bigger, and she was threatening to tell everybody. That's why he took the fall for us. Aria: Why are you waiting until now to tell us? Spencer: I don't know. Ali made me promise, and... I guess I was scared. I thought if we never talked about that night again, it would just go away. Hanna: Well, it's not going away. Not unless we toss our phones and join the Navy. Emily: Look, there's four of usand one freak sending messages. If we just talk to each other like this, I feel like it makes it easier to deal with everything. Aria: I think Emily's right. There's way too many secrets. We shouldn't do this in the middle of nowhere. We should do it where we can see it every day. Hanna: You mean, like, somewhere in school? Aria: No. In town. We should ask if we can put a bench somewhere. Wait, and you know what? Whoever did this to her, if they're still in rosewood, we should make them look at it every day, too. Spencer: What, you hate the idea? Hanna: No. No, I just... I had a rough night. Branches rustle, the girls run Hanna: Look. Spencer: Is that yours? Aria: Alison's.
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Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I'd like to announce the winner of our design your own flag competition. But I can't. The only entry was from GameyGamer75, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help me, I'm pleased to introduce Internet personality, former star of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one sixteenth scale. Set phasers to fun for my friend, Wil Wheaton. Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here. Amy: Cut. Sheldon: What's wrong? Amy: Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden. Wil: Wooden? Amy: Don't worry, it wasn't terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action. Sheldon: My friend, Wil Wheaton. Wil: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here. Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first? Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Now what's interesting about this flag... Amy: Cut. Wil: What was wrong with that? Amy: It's called Fun with Flags. They're not at half-mast, nobody died. Let's try and keep it upbeat. Wil: Um, no offence, but I've been acting since I was a kid. I think I can handle a Web show without a lot of direction. Sheldon: It's true. In 1982, Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me. Amy: You'll have to forgive me. This is my first time directing, I just want it to be good. Wil: So do I. Amy: Great. So, this time let's try more real boy, less Pinocchio. And action. Wil: And cut. You realize that I'm doing this for free, right? Amy: Yes. And so far, we're still not getting our money's worth. Let's try it again. Everybody's having fun. And action. Sheldon: So, Wil, what do you have for us first? Wil: Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Amy: Cut. Wil: Problem, first-time director? Sheldon: Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps. Amy: He was overacting on purpose. Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner. Wil: Listen, Sheldon, I'm really happy to do this for you, but not if she's gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time. Amy: You gonna let him speak to me like that? Sheldon: Well, you're my girlfriend and I don't want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton's my friend and I don't want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think? Amy: Can I speak to you for a second? Sheldon: I'll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself. Amy: I don't care for your friend, he's being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave. Sheldon: Amy, I can't just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He's a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him. Amy: Fine. Then maybe I should go. Sheldon: Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I'll see you at dinner tonight? Amy: You sure you wouldn't rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton? Sheldon: Come to think of it, I would! You, little lady, are on fire. Credits sequence. Scene: Howard's bedroom. Bernadette: Every time we eat dinner here, your mother refuses to let me help with the dishes. Howard: Don't take it personally. She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking. Bernadette: You ready to go? Howard: Yeah, let me just grab a couple of fresh turtlenecks. Bernadette: I don't understand why you keep your stuff here when there's plenty of room at home. Howard: What are you talking about? All I have here is a few sweaters, books, bank stuff, computers, mail, collectibles, medicine and my electric body groomer. Ooh, there's my plaid dickie. Oh, got this at the Goodwill store for 50 cents. Can you believe it? Bernadette: 50 cents sounds right. Let's go. Howard: You know, it's kinda late. Why don't we just spend the night here? Bernadette: Because we don't live here. Howard: I know. Bernadette: Do you? You said when you got back from space you were gonna move into my apartment, but half the time we stay here. Howard: That's not true. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, I'm doing laundry. You want me to put anything in for you? Howard: There's some underwear in the hamper. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Oh, good, I got that new stain stick to try out. Howard: Thank you, I only put it on the list two weeks ago. Okay, I see what you're getting at. How about this weekend I'll box up all my things and move them to our place. Bernadette: Thank you. Howard: The lightsabres are gonna look great in the living room. Bernadette: Or in the closet. We can decide later. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, help, my hand's stuck in the garbage disposal. Howard: Let go of whatever piece of food you're holding. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Are you kidding? It's a perfectly good chicken leg. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Hey, look who's out after dark, like a big boy. Sheldon: I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet. Leonard: I thought you had plans with Amy. Sheldon: Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet. Leonard: Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument? Sheldon: Yes, quite the kerfuffle. Leonard: Then Amy got mad and left? Sheldon: Walked right out the door. Leonard: And you? Sheldon: Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now. Leonard: Buddy, I think Amy might be upset. Sheldon: Why's that? Leonard: Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him. Sheldon: You're just repeating what I said. It's like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot. Leonard: Trust me, call her. Sheldon: Fine. It's a shame you didn't go to dinner with us, because the buffet you're about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close. Amy (on skype): What? Sheldon: You'll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you're mad at me. Tell him you're not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight. Amy: I'm mad at you, Sheldon. Sheldon: Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they're angry, they're really just hungry. Amy: I'm not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn't do anything. Sheldon: Precisely, I didn't do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math? Leonard: Keep going, buddy, you're doing great. Amy: Sheldon, I'm your girlfriend, and you should have taken my side. That's it. End of story. Good night. Sheldon: Wow, Amy's mad and Leonard was right. What a weird day. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Penny: Hey. Sorry this took so long. But you used to work here, you know how it is. Bernadette: Kitchen slammed again? Penny: No, I'm a terrible waitress, remember? Bernadette: So, is there anything I can do to help you with the move tomorrow? Howard: Now that you mention it, I was thinking tomorrow might not be great. Bernadette: What's your excuse this time? Howard: No excuse. It's just, you know, I'm Jewish, and technically, we're not supposed to drive or carry anything on the Sabbath. So this one's on God. Bernadette: That might be a little more convincing if you didn't have a mouthful of bacon cheeseburger. Howard: My religion's kinda loosey-goosey. Basically, as long as you got your schmekel clipped and don't wear a cross, you're good. Bernadette: Howie, you promised you'd move. Howard: And I will. Penny: Yeah, right. Howard: I will. I'm obviously not going to live in my mother's house for the rest of my life. I'm not a child. Penny: I've seen her burp you. Howard: She did not burp me. She was patting me on the back, and I happened to burp. Don't you have other tables you should be waiting on? Penny: Yeah, but I told you, I'm not good at my job. Bernadette, listen to me. He is never gonna leave. Bernadette: I'm starting to think you're right. Howard: All right, I've had enough of this. I'm a grown man, I have a successful career, for the love of God, I've been to space. I will move out when I'm ready, and I don't need anyone badgering me into it. Penny: Wow, excuse me. Howard: That was just for her benefit. I'll move tomorrow. I love you. Don't leave me. Scene: Amy's apartment. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Angry Amy. Amy: What? Sheldon: I've been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better. Amy: Star Trek DVDs? Why would I want this? Sheldon: First of all, you're welcome. And furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton's body of work, there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure. Get ready for 130 hours of I told you so. (She hands him back the DVDs and slams the door) Fine. I'll just tell you what happens. Episode one, Encounter at Farpoint. Fade in. The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV. Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy... (Amy opens door, grabs DVDs, slams door again) She's hooked. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Howard's bedroom. Raj: Wow. An end of an era. Howard: Boy, if these walls could talk. Leonard: They'd say, why does he touch himself so much? Howard: Yeah. I can't believe I'm not going to live here anymore. This has always been my bedroom. Right here is where my mom used to mark my height. Leonard: Oh, yeah. Fifth grade. Sixth grade. Seventh grade. Eighth grade. Ninth grade. Howard: I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M'S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock. Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts? Howard: Sometime around the third Almond Joy. Leonard: Okay. You want to start loading this stuff into the truck? Howard: Yeah, I guess. Hey, would you do me a favour? Go on ahead. I just want one last moment alone in my old room. Leonard: We're not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself. Howard: Fine, let's go. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory Bar. Penny: Hey. What brings you in? Sheldon: Penny, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to have a conversation about girls. Penny: I had a feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places? Sheldon: Penny, please, I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19. Penny: And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking? Sheldon: Well, it's been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don't think that's going to cut it. Penny: You could have a Long Island Iced Tea. Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves? Penny: It's calmed the pants off me a couple of times. Sheldon: Sold. Penny: Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble? Sheldon: The trouble isn't with me, Penny, it's with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle. Penny: Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It'll warm her twaddle. Sheldon: It's a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they're both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they're bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek. Penny: Honey, you can't make people like each other. Sheldon: Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that's hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I'm having a tea party. Penny: You might want to pace yourself. Sheldon: I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I'm doing. Penny: Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy. Sheldon: My problem is I'm out of tea. Penny: Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk. Sheldon: Penny, please, I think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing. Penny: Sorry. Sheldon: On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman. Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex. Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter's deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them. She's a unique blend of saint and squirrel. Penny: Yeah, that she is. Here you go. Sheldon: I'm a callous egomaniac. She's gonna leave me. Penny: No, she won't. Sheldon: No, she won't. I'm great. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Howard: Okay, I have now officially moved out of my mother's house. You are now the only woman in my life who I'll see naked in the bathroom. Bernadette: I know this wasn't easy. You doing okay? Howard: Oh, I'm fine. It's just her I'm worried about. Bernadette: Aw, she'll be okay. She's a grown woman. Howard: I know. It's just ever since my dad left, I've felt responsible for her. Bernadette: That's a lot for a kid to deal with. Howard: She was just so sad all the time. I was the only person who could cheer her up. Well, me and Ben and Jerry. Bernadette: She's lucky you were there. Howard: You know, she's why I first got into magic. I would do little shows for her, hang up a bedsheet like it was a curtain, put on a top hat and cape. And part way through the act, I would say I needed a volunteer from the audience to be my beautiful assistant and invite her up on stage. I can still remember the way she'd smile. For a few minutes, she'd forget how lonely she was. Bernadette: Aw, crap. Let's go. Howard: Where we going? Bernadette: Grab a box. We'll sleep at your mother's place tonight. Howard: No, but I want to live here. Bernadette: Well, you should've thought of that before you told me the stupid magic trick story. Howard: Can't we talk about this? Bernadette: No husband of mine is gonna break his mother's heart! Scene: Wil Wheaton's house. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Wait, how many was that? Wil: Hey, Sheldon, what's up? Sheldon: Wouldn't you like to know? Wil: Have you been drinking? Sheldon: Just tea. S'the best tea I've ever had. Wil: Why are you here? Sheldon: I'll tell you. I'm from Texas. Need I say more? Wil: Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful. Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I'm here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come. Wil: Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we're gonna fight? Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant invisible cow. They're up to beat an apology out of you. Wil: Okay, I'm sorry. Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much. Wil: Are you okay? Sheldon: You're asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I'll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help us, I'm pleased to introduce a special guest, surprisingly, it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here, Mr. LeVar Burton. LeVar: Hey, Sheldon, it's a pleasure to be here. Well, we've got some interesting flags for... Amy: Cut. Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton. Sheldon: I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her. She's my girlfriend. LeVar: Ah, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?
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Psy's office Summer: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. Psy: I'm glad you came. What brings you in? Summer: Well, I've changed a lot since I got to college. New friends, new interests, new clothes. Psy: Well, that's perfectly normal. Summer: I know. But... I think throwing myself into all these new things is just a way of avoiding dealing with what happened to my friend...who, um... who died. Psy: Well, grief often comes in five stages. Summer: Yeah, but I haven't really been grieving. Why is this happening? Life is so unfair! I'd do anything to change things. Please, just name it, and I'll do it. Nothing matters anyway. But this is so not fair! I'm sorry, I have rage issues. I think she would want me to move on. So that's what I'm going to try to do. Psy: I'm proud of you, Summer. You've made astounding progress, and all in one week. Summer: It's kind of a relief in a way. Now I can go back to being me. Psy: What do you mean by that? Summer: Well, this whole save the planet thing, it was a crutch, right? And nothing against handicapped people, but crutches? Ew. Psy: A lot of people do change when they go to college. Summer: Well, not me. I love shopping, tanning and celebrity gossip, always have, always will. But I think I have to. If I ever want things to be good with my boyfriend again. Psy: Summer, just promise you'll take it slow. Summer: Totally. At the airport Ryan: Hey, man. Seth: Hey, dude, I know, three hour time difference, but, Ryan, she's going to dump me. Ryan: It's okay, I'm awake. Seth: Oh, good. Ryan, she's going to dump me. Ryan: No one believes that, all right? Summer loves you. Seth: The old Summer loved me. But new Summer is upon us, and Providence is the place that spawned her. Ryan: Summer is just dealing with what we're all dealing with, okay? She'll come around. Seth: What if she doesn't? This is my last shot. Otherwise, the girl with the violent temper and good hygiene is nothing but a childhood memory. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: Careful, lady, my girlfriend's going to be here any second. Summer: Shut up, Cohen. Seth: Hey, you just punched me. My baby's back. Généric At the beach Sandy: You look good out there. Ryan: Thanks. Sandy: I got to get you on a surfboard. Ryan: Not a chance. Sandy: How about some breakfast? I could use some intel on Seth and Summer. Ryan: You know what, I can't, but, uh, I think they're doing all right. You know? Doing the long distance thing. Sandy: How about you? How are you doing? Ryan: Good, good. Better, once I get my first day of work under my belt. Sandy: Well, Pavo Guapo is lucky to have you working there. Ryan: Me, too. Sandy: Now I got an excuse to come by for your shrimp tacos. Ryan: Yeah, Kirsten warned me about that. You're limited to two a week. Sandy: Oh! I knew I should have divorced that dame. Ryan: Well, it's not forever. Sandy: You're still accepted to Berkeley for next year. I'm just glad you're getting back to your old self. You know? Back home again. New job. Ryan: I'm just trying to stay busy and earn some extra money. Sandy: And hook me up with some shrimp tacos. Ryan: Yeah, right. I'll work on that. I'm going to walk back. I'm kind of sweaty. Sandy: Yeah, I wasn't offering you a ride. Hey, Ryan? Hang in there. Brown's college - Summer's bedroom Seth: Wow, that was a lot better than what I was imagining on the plane. Summer: You were imagining it on the plane? Seth: Not like that. When you called me here, I was sure you were going to break up with me. Summer: Well, I know I'm not the one that usually apologizes in this relationship, but I'm sorry about everything. I turned into a liberal zealot just to distract myself from my own grief. I'm not even into all this stuff. Seth: So the old you is back? Summer: In all of my artificially tanned glory. Seth: Thank God 'Cause I was not sure that the new you and old me were really working. Summer: Yeah, the new me kind of smelled weird. Well, what would you have done if I didn't go back to being me? Seth: I had a plan to coax the old Summer out. The Valley, Season Three? Summer: Awesome! At Cohen's Kirsten: I checked on Ryan. Did he leave already? Sandy: Yeah. He seemed to be doing okay. I was hoping to hang with him while Seth is away. Poker, maybe shoot a little pool, but his new job is going to make that tough. Kirsten: Well, I could rack a few balls with you. Sandy: You are so smart and sexy and gorgeous. But sometimes a man just needs to hang with the guys. Kirsten: Well, that I'm not. Sandy: You know, Jimmy left, Caleb died, then Jimmy left again. Even Neil's gone. Look, I wasn't a pennant winner, but at least I had a bullpen, you know? Kirsten: It's baseball talk. I got it. Why don't you give Jason Spitz a call? You're always saying how funny he is. Why don't you ask him to do something? Sandy: Yeah, yeah... I don't know. I mean, it's a little weird for a guy to ask another guy to do something right out of the blue like that. Kirsten: Since when is Sandy Cohen afraid of acting weird? Sandy: Well, Spitz is pretty funny. He's allegedly a scratch golfer. He likes the Dodgers. I could live with that. Kirsten: It sounds perfect for you. Sandy: Yeah, but what am I going to do? I'm going to give him a call or what? Ask him out? Kirsten: Come on. Why don't you use some of that Sandy Cohen charm? I'm sure he won't be able to resist. Sandy: It's been a long time since I been out there, honey. What if Spitzy doesn't like me? Kirsten: Are you calling him Spitzy now? Sandy: No, not yet. Do you think he'll go for it? At Roberts' Julie: Well, that's very generous of you. Thank you, Neil. Bye. Kaitlin: So how's Seattle? Is that short, sassy lady still bossing Dr. Roberts around the hospital? Julie: Neil is fine. He's going to let us stay in the house as long as we want. Kaitlin: Well, nice work, Mom. Julie: I wish I could take all the credit, but it was actually Neil's idea. He's really very sweet. Kaitlin: Oh, you miss him. Well, don't worry. We'll find you another old dude to pay for all your stuff and cheat on you. Julie: Is that what I'm teaching you? Kaitlin: Mm, pretty much. Julie: Well, no more. Now that we have our housing situation handled, I am officially giving up men. Good one. Kaitlin: That'll last a week, max. Julie: I'll take that wager, young lady. And I'll make one with you. I will not so much as bat an eyelash at a man, and you will stay out of trouble. Kaitlin: You cannot live without a man. not even for a week. Taylor: Morning, roomies Anyone want a protein scramble? Julie: Nice to see you're making yourself at home, Taylor. Taylor: Well, thanks for making me feel at home, Jules. Summer's room is just adorable. And I don't know how I ever lived without a home gym. Kaitlin: Oh, this came for you today. Who's Henry Michael? Taylor: Uh... Oh, Henri Michel? That's just, um, my French husband. I'm sure it's nothing. Excuse me. Julie: You see? Man drama-- who needs it? Kaitlin: Hey, Ernesto's looking pretty hot. Nice six-pack. Julie: Where? Kaitlin: Gotcha. At Ryan's workplace Ryan: Taylor, hey. Taylor: Hi, Ryan. Are you working at El Pavo Guapo? You know, that means a handsome turkey? Ryan: That's why I took the job. Taylor: Hey, do you know when Seth's going to be back? I really need to talk to him. Ryan: Sorry, gone for the weekend. Taylor: You know, that shirt really brings out your eyes. Ryan: It's black. What are you doing here, Taylor? Taylor: Just in the mood for Mexican. Ryan: Mm-hmm. Taylor: Maybe the Macho Nacho Burrito wrap with extra guac. And... Oh, um, a favor. Ryan: No, no, no, sorry. Taylor: With Seth gone, you're the only one I can turn to. Ryan: Well, I'm honored. Taylor: Okay, so, I'm trying to get divorced, and I just found out that Henri Michel... Oh, that's my French husband. Um, he's coming to Newport and I know he's going to try and talk me out of it, and I could really use you there. Ryan: No. Taylor: I'm afraid to be alone with him. I'm afraid of his sensual powers. Ryan, the man is a sexual Jedi. Whatever he asks you to do, you just do it. It doesn't matter how depraved... Ryan: Okay, some people are trying to eat here, including me someday, so... Taylor: Ryan, please. If I go alone, I'll be back in France next week. You don't know how hard it was to leave. Seth and Summer are gone,my mom kicked me out, and... I have no one else. Look, just do me this one favor, and I'll leave you alone. Ryan: Promise? At Brown's college - Summer's bedroom Che: Knock, knock. Hey, Summer, can you fact-check this flier on solar panels? It's for the rally tomorrow. Summer: Che, I'd like to talk. Che: Sure, man. What's up? Summer: I haven't been completely honest with you about who I really am. This is my shoe collection. There's leather, suede, and the occasional calfskin boot. Che: Whoa, my friend. Summer: These are my magazines. I know which stars pump gas just like us, and who's on pump watch. And this is Marissa. She was my best friend, um, but she died in a car accident on graduation night. Che: Summer, I'm sorry. That's-That's really heavy. Summer: Yeah, well, it's so heavy that I couldn't deal, so... I put all my energy towards being an activist, but that's not who I am. These shoes and these magazines-- that's me, but I hope we can still be friends. Che: All I can do is be me, whoever that is. It's, uh... it's Dylan. The guy's a genius. Look, Summer, if you've found your place in this world, I am nothing but happy for you. Seth: Hey. I put some cream in your coffee. I figured you'd be back on dairy. Summer: Hey, uh, Che, this is my boyfriend, Seth. Seth, this is Che. Che: Summer, you have a twin flame. I wish I knew you were coming into town. I would have made you a bracelet. Seth: Oh, hey. Uh, where I come from, we just say hey. Che: Well, to borrow your native tongue, hey. Listen, forget what I said about the rally. We got plenty of warriors for the fight. You two, just... be. Summer: Thanks, Che. Seth: What's that? Summer: It's garbage. At Sandy's office Sandy: Hi, Jason. How you doing? Jason: I just had a meeting with Kaminsky. Sandy: Oh, the slowest talker in the world. It took forever. Forever. Jason: Good to see you, man. Sandy: Hey, uh... you got any plans this weekend? Jason: Sandy, I've been working the past six Saturdays. Sandy: No, no, I didn't mean that. I'm just saying that we could, you know, you and I, uh, we could do something. Jason: Do something? Sandy: Poker, pool, you know, a little small ball. If you're free. If not, no worries. Jason: Can I get back to you on that? Sandy: Oh, sure, yeah. Whatever. Brown's college - Summer's bedroom Summer: God, this is so disgusting. Seth: I don't know, I think you're being too hard on April. Derek's knee was... it was really messed up. Summer: No, I just... I don't like this show anymore. All they do is create fake problems for fake people just to distract viewers from the real problems in the world. Seth: Well, I don't think the network would go for a sexy teen soap set in the Damascus, but we can turn it off if you want. I just thought you liked it. Summer: I'm just distracted. I haven't been keeping up on how much blow Lindsay Lohan's doing. And did you hear about JT and Cameron? Seth: No, what? Summer: I don't know. That is the point. I'm going to go get one of my magazines. Seth: That sounds like the old Summer. I'm going to stay here and, uh, keep watching. You know, I have this thing where if I start something, I have to finish. Is that like a disease or a condition? Summer: Don't really know, Cohen. I'm reading about who got lipo. Yatch club Ryan: You know, you might want to relax. Taylor: Distract me. Tell me about this, um, cage fighting. It's something that I've been meaning to get into. Ryan: Yeah? Yeah? Ask me another favor, I'll be happy to show you. Taylor: Oh, Ryan Atwood with a side of sauce. I like it. You're going to have to do better, though, 'cause right now all I ca think of is him, my husband, and his arms, his smell... making love in the barn in Burgundy. Ryan: Sounds like the perfect guy. Why would you want to divorce? Taylor: Well, despite being agnostic in most things, I do believe in true love. And this was not it. Well, back to you and your life. What is your favorite fruit? Ryan: Peaches. Taylor: Oh, he used to say my breasts were like two, soft... Ryan: Is that him? Taylor: No, that's... his lawyer. Lawyer: Madam. Ryan: Is everything okay? Taylor: No, not exactly. Ryan: What did he say? What's wrong? What's going on? Taylor: Oh, I just told him you were a soccer fan. Ryan: Oh. Yeah, I like soccer. At Brown's college - Summer's bedroom Seth: Sorry today was such a bust. Summer; What are you talking about? We totally cleaned out the mall. Seth: Well, you threw your smoothie at a lady on the street. Summer: Hey, that fur did not look faux. Seth: Yeah, I just feel like your mind is someplace else. Summer: My mind is on this adorable sweater right here. I'm going to try it on' with that bag we bought, because how cute would they look together? Now, if you don't mind, a little privacy. Seth: Well, I enjoy watching you take off your clothes, I'm sure I'll enjoy watching you put them on. Summer: Hey, this is a very intense process. Seth: All right, actually this is perfect. I wanted to head over to Thayer Street and do a walking tour of ethnic foods. I can't be moving here if the shwarma is not up to par. Summer: Well, bring me a kabob. Che: Hey, Summer. Summer: Che, hey, I wanted to know how the rally went. Che: We marched, we chanted, and along the way, we may have even opened up a few eyes. We'll see. Summer: Oh, that sounds great. Che: Yeah, Summer, what are you doing? Summer: Trying on a sweater. Hey, Seth and I are going to watch a movie here later if you want to come by. Che: No, I can't. We're prepping for tomorrow night's debate. Summer: Debate? Che: They agreed to grant us an audience with the dean, present our proposal. Only thing not powered by the fuel of the sun is our passion. Summer: Uh, well, tell everyone I said hi, and good luck. Che: Yeah, thanks. So do you like it? Summer: Huh? Like what? Che: The new sweater. Summer: No. Yatch club Kirsten: So you're really giving up on men? Julie: Men are to me, what Chardonnay is to you. One sip and I'm upside down on a chandelier. Kirsten: Not that you've ever done that. What's your point, Julie? Julie: I'm just trying to set a good example for Kaitlin, develop my own interests, maybe my career, that is, if you'd still have me as a partner. Kirsten: As I told you, New Matchis there for you whenever you want. Julie: Thanks, Keeks. I was hoping you'd say that. Okay, so, I have so many new ideas about expanding. I went online. I checked out some office... Oh, there's Taryn. Kirsten: Wow, she looks amazing. Did she have some work done? Julie: She's had something. Taryn: Kirsten, great to see you. Julie, I'm so sorry about Neil. I hope you plan to sue. You know, just because you aren't legal doesn't mean you're not entitled to some sort of... Kirsten: Oh, it's Sandy. Excuse me. Hi, honey. Sandy: Hey, guess what? Kirsten: I'm not good at guessing. Sandy: I'm going out. Kirsten: I'm jealous, with who? Sandy: Spitz! Spitzy to me. Kirsten: He called? Sandy: He called. Kirsten: How about that? How about that? Sandy: Maybe a little golf, maybe a drink after, watch the game. Kirsten: Golfing, game watching, suddenly not so jealous. Taryn: Thanks, but I don't think I'll be needing a dating service anymore. Julie: Really? I didn't know you were seeing anyone. Taryn: Oh, not someone... someones. Young ones. Men our age are so complicated. Young guys just like to have fun. And they are so grateful for a woman who knows what she's doing. Julie: Oh, so grateful, and limber. Taryn: Hey, a group of us are going out tomorrow night. You should come. Julie: Uh, I'm trying to be a role model. Taryn: Oh, mm-hmm. I'll call you. Kirsten: Did Taryn run off already? Mm-hmm. What's she doing? Julie: Him. Harbour Brad: Hey, Kaitlin! We got a guy who can hook us up with fake I.D.'s. It's awesome. Kaitlin: Yeah. I think I'll pass. Brad: You've wanted a fake I.D. since you were six. Eric: Yeah, come on. Brad: Yeah, and the guy's leaving town next week. Kaitlin: Well, where is he going? Eric: He's going to prison. Brad: Yeah, for fraud. Because he's awesome. Kaitlin: Look, you guys, I made a bet with my mom that I'd stay out of trouble. And this definitely sounds like trouble. Brad: Dude, not if we don't get caught. Eric: Dude, seriously. Brad: Yeah, dude, seriously. Kaitlin: Well, with a foolproof plan like that, how can I say no? [SCENE_BREAK] At Ryan's workplace Taylor: Garcon? Ryan: Ah! Taylor ! It's been a few hours since your last Macho Nacho. You must be starving. Taylor: I was thinking of the mol. And, um, one more tiny little favor. Ryan: Does it involve me standing around while you speak French? 'Cause I've already done that. Taylor: No, no, no. I actually just need your signature. You see, before I can get divorced, I have to have someone attest to my character. Ryan: That's in French. Taylor: It's just the usual boilerplate. You know, never been to prison- well, me, not you. Never been married before, no contact with livestock, blah, blah, blah. So I think I have a pen. Ryan: Uh, you know, actually, can I sign that after work? Just leave it here. Taylor: Sure. Yes, okay. Thank you very much. So you don't speak French at all? Ryan: No, why? Taylor: Well, it must have been really boring for you today. Sorry. Brown's college Che: Hey, Seth, man, what's up? Seth: Hey, I got some extra baba ghanoush. Che: Oh, baba ghanoush. No thanks, man. Seth: I'm all right. Where's Summer? I gave her a little time-out. It's not easy having house guests. Che: What?! I thought you guys were having this great day, purchasing luxury goods, and eating things with faces. Seth: Honestly, it could have gone a little better. I mean, you know, I support her, whatever she's into, but I really need this to work 'cause... Summer: The people have spoken! We are of one voice, one mind and one heart! Yeah! I will not sleep, I will not eat, I will not rest until this hypocrisy ends. Solar panels on all of our dormitories, or we revolt! Student: Who's with Summer? Yeah! All: Yeah! Yeah! Poolhouse Ryan: Hey, man, how's your French? Seth: Old Summer's been replaced by the real Summer, and she looks suspiciously like the new Summer. Ryan: So she's still in her "Go Green" phase? Seth: I don't think it's a phase, man. I think this is her life now, and it's obvious I don't fit in it. Uh, sorry, gotta go. Ryan! Hey, wait, I've got to talk to you about Taylor... what...? Brown's college Summer: Didn't mean to eavesdrop. Seth: It's okay. Summer: Well, I knew you were lying last night when you said nothing was wrong. Seth: Nothing is wrong; you're doing what people do at college-- discovering who you really are. Summer: Believe me, I am as surprised as you are. But I'm still going to shave my legs and wash my hair, and be the best girlfriend that I can. Seth: Well, you know, who can ask for more than that? Summer: Think of all the new subjects we'll have to talk about. Seth: I did explain the concept of recycling to you in tenth grade. Summer: See, there's lots of places where we could use your help, Cohen. Brown's college - Che's bedroom Che: Please come in. Enter. Seth: Hey... Oh! You're really nude. Why don't I... let me come back. Che: No! Wait right there. I have a gift for you. My song. Seth: Wow. Wow. That's really, uh... Anyways, listen, I kind of need your help. Che: Yeah, bro, one second. Uh, I'm actually really honored you would ask me. Seth: Oh, hey, that's cool, we can shake. We can shake. We can shake. And we're touching. Golf course Sandy: Oh! Fore! Jason: Yeah, hi. Sorry! Sandy: Rob, what are you doing? Jason: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye. I'm sorry about that. My, my kid's got a rash. I got to go to the pharmacy after this. Sandy: Oh, sorry. Jason: Take another one. It was my fault. Sandy: No, no, no! You're up. I'll play it from the parking lot. Jason: I think I hit your car. It'd be an improvement. Sandy.. uh...You know, my kid doesn't have a rash. My wife's just calling, making sure I'm having a good time, you know, because I don't have that many guy friends anymore. Sandy: Who does? Who's got the time? Jason: I know, it's work, family, then more work, you know? When did it get so hard? Sandy: Well, when we were kids, all you had to do was ask, hey, want to play some ball? And we didn't have any cell phones. Jason: I turned mine off. I'm really sorry about that. Sandy: Oh! I'm so sorry, man! I'm so sorry. It's the office. I'm turning it off. Jason: I think I hit your car anyway. At Cohen's Kirsten: I love this space and I love the windows. Julie: Plus it's by the beach, so there'd be lots of foot traffic and eye candy, not that I'm looking. Kirsten: So I'll make an appointment for us for Monday? Are you doing anything tonight? Julie: No, Kaitlin's with the twins, working on a science project, so I have the night all to myself. Kirsten: Well, Sandy's out with a friend. Do you want to do something? I don't know-- takeout and a movie? Julie: Two women spending Saturday night at home together. I love it. How very Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. Kirsten: Go ahead, you can take it. Julie: No, that's okay. Just a sec. Hello? Taryn: It's Taryn. You joining us tonight? Julie: Uh, actually, I'm here with Kirsten and we were thinking about maybe... Taryn: Order in and watch a movie? Oh, honey, even with the wonders of elective surgery, you will only be this hot for so long. Have fun while you can. Julie, you still there? Julie: I'll call you back. Kirsten: Oh, I was just going to get some takeout menus. Do you know what you'd like to eat? Julie: Kirsten, I feel like I'm coming down with something. I'm not feeling so hot. Do you mind if I take a rain check on our girl's night in? Kirsten: Julie, did you just put on lipstick? Julie: What? No, uh... I'm just a little flushed. I'll call you. Parking Kaitlin: Okay, I think that's the guy. Brad: Kaitlin, what if he's packing heat? Kaitlin: Okay, you guys just stay here. Money. Got what we talked about? Man: In here. Great, so it's covered in lice and grease. Put your money in the hat and try and be cool about it. Kaitlin: You think it's my first buy? It's been a pleasure. Man: I'm available, by the way. Kaitlin: That's heinous. Nightclub Julie: I don't know about this, Taryn. It might be too soon. Taryn: Julie, I know how you feel. But there's one man who can always get me out on the dance floor. His name is Jose. Jose Cuervo. Have you met my friend Julie Cooper-- urban cougar. Ryan's workplace Taylor: Ryan! There you are. You know, I think there might be something wrong with your phone. I called you three times today. Ryan: Six, actually. Taylor: Oh, well, um, did you get a chance to look at that silly little document? Ryan: Yeah! I did. And I had a question for you. Um, what does that mean? Taylor: Oh, that's just lawyer speak. You know, just party of the first part, party of the second part. Ryan: So it doesn't say we had s*x, like, 30 times? Took me like five hours to translate that. Taylor: Sorry. Ryan: Yeah. Taylor: It's just that without the consent of my husband, the only way I can get a divorce is if one of us was unfaithful. I just didn't think you'd sign if you knew the truth. Ryan: Yeah, well, I've got a lot of half-eaten enchiladas to clear. Taylor: Ryan, I have to meet that lawyer at the yacht club tonight, and if I don't have this signed, I'm going to have no choice but to go with him to France and try to work it out with Henri Michel, face-to-face. Ryan: Which means you won't be able to keep coming here, which is a real shame. Taylor: Well, did you at least read this part where I said what a great lover you are? Ryan: Look, Taylor... this job, this is about all I can handle right now. You know? Taylor: I shouldn't have dragged you in to this. Ryan: Yeah, that's what I've been trying to say. Taylor: It's just that I...don't have anyone else. It's kind of why I married a Frenchman in the first place. I mean, my mom hates me. I don't really know my dad, and last year was the first year I ever had friends. All of a sudden, I'm by myself in a foreign country, and I meet this guy who says he loves me. He wants to take care of me and... and... One too many bottles of Chateau Margot and a view from the Eiffel Tower, and why not? That's how Tom wooed Katie. Why not me? Ryan: Well, look, I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'm just not the guy to help. Sorry. Brown's college Summer: Here they come. There you are. Che: Sorry we're late. Earlier today, a caterpillar entered my room. I'm happy to say a butterfly emged. Seth: Did you know that the amount of solar energy that touches the Earth's surface in 40 minutes is greater than all the energy required by the entire human population in a year? Summer: Yes, I did know that. Che: It's a thing of beauty, isn't it? Come on, friends. Man: Oh, the board only allows students in the town meeting. Do you go here? Seth: Uh, no... But I made this. Summer: Can you just make an exception? It's for the good of the Earth. Man: No, I'm afraid not. Seth: Well, it's cool, you go ahead. Summer: But it's your last night here. You can't spend it alone. Seth: Summer, everybody in there is counting on you, okay? I can amuse myself for a few hours. Summer: You're the best boyfriend ever. Seth: Go change the world. Ryan's workplace Sandy: Looks like you're going to get a chance to meet one of my kids. Hey, Ryan. Ryan: Hey. Sandy: I'd like you to meet Jason Spitz from work. Ryan: What's up? How you doing? Sandy: We're about to go in and watch the game, get a bite to eat. Can you join us? Ryan: Uh, you know, actually, I'm kind of beat. But you guys go ahead. Nice to meet you. Jason: Good to meet you. Sandy: I'll be inside. Yeah. Is everything okay? 'Cause I'm guessing not really. Ryan: I didn't get fired, I didn't punch any of my drunken customers, I'd say I'm great. Sandy: One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Eventually, it'll get easier. Ryan: Yeah, why, because I'll start to forget about her? Sandy: No, no. You're never going to forget about her. But... life goes on. Ryan: Not the same life. Sandy: No. But you're going to have to make this life work. Ryan: Yeah, but I do, you know? I got a job. I go there, I go home. I talk to as few people as possible. Sandy: If it were only that easy. Unfortunately for you, getting mixed up in other people's lives, helping them out of jams, it seems to be what you do, like it or not. I'd hate to see you turn your back on that. It'd be like rning your back on yourself. Come on, join us, would you? Get a little food, watch the second half of the game. Ryan: Actually, there's something I've got to do. Uh, you guys have fun. Sandy: All right. Ryan: All right. Nightclub Man: Cover's 20 bucks, just pay inside. Kaitlin: Let me do the talking, okay? Man: You got an I.D.? It's cool. Cover's 20 bucks, just pay inside. Kaitlin: Cool. Man: Sorry, boys, not tonight. Brad: What? Why? Kaitlin: I'm sorry, is there a problem with their I.D.'s? Because they're with me. Man: There's a problem with them. See, I have the right to refuse entry to anybody. And tonight that includes dorks and virgins. So just beat it, guys. Brad: Fine. Eric: Whatever, man. Brad: That blows. Come on, Kaitlin, let's go. Eric: Yeah, you can't go in there without us. Brad: Who's going to protect you? Kaitlin: See you guys later. Man: Need you to move aside, guys. Ryan's workplace Sandy: This is great. Watching the game, having a beer. For five minutes, the sky isn't falling. A chance to be stupid again. Jason: Here's to being stupid for five minutes. Sandy: Hey, honey. Kirsten: How's it going? Sandy: Great. Spitz just told me a story about how his kid's walked in on him and his wife when they were playing Strip Scrabble. Kirsten: Strip Scrabble? I'm glad things are going well. Sandy: Yeah. So how are you doing? You having fun with Julie? Kirsten: Well, Julie had a mysterious illness. So I'm home alone. I just finished watching a movie and I thought I'd check in. I love you. Sandy: I love you. Bye. Yatch club Taylor: I don't love him. I never did. I was just scared. Ryan: Sorry I'm late. You have that paper for me to sign? Lawyer: It won't be necessary. I may be a lawyer, but I'm also a Frenchman. I know love when I see it. I will inform Henri Michel. Taylor: Ryan, I... Ryan: Don't worry about it. Brown's college Che: We stand before you, an organized student body. We have a question. Where does this burden fall? Summer: Hey, sleepyhead. Seth: Hey. Summer: Hey. Seth: Did we win? Summer: Not yet, but Che suggested a filibuster, so it could go on all night. I think we got 'em. Seth: That's great. Summer: Yeah. When I showed them my cost benefit analysis chart, jaws actually dropped. Seth: Of course they did. There's all these old people in there that are actually listening to me. Me! It felt better than when I got 70% off that Marc Jacobs dress with the broken zipper. Seth: I wish I could have been there. Summre: Instead you slept in the hallway on your last night in Providence. Seth: I'm totally fine. Listen, go back in there and knock it out of the park. Summer: Was that a sports reference? Seth: Maybe. See, I know people can change. Poolhouse Ryan: Yeah? Taylor: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you asleep? Ryan: No. Taylor: Oh, well, then my timing is impeccable, as always. So I wanted to thank you. So I made you peach torte. Yeah, after I got married, Henri Michel made me take a cooking class. Um, I failed everything except tortes. Tortes I rocked. Ryan: Uh, well, that's great, but, um... Taylor: You're not a dessert guy. Okay. Well, um, I could make you lunch, or... dinner. I have to pay you back somehow. Ryan: I love dessert. Taylor: Okay. Fork. Ryan: Thanks. Taylor: Yeah? All right. Wow. Who would have thought, six months ago, you and I, sitting here, sharing a torte. Ryan: Not me. Taylor: You know, at graduation, in my commencement address, I said there's no one older than a high school senior, no one younger than a college freshman. It was one of the few parts that wasn't in Latin. And uh, it's true. Because I feel like everything I thought I knew, everything that I expected, is just kind of gone out the window. Ryan: Yeah, life is definitely unpredictable. Taylor: Yeah. But I guess I'm realizing that that could be a good thing. You know? Because it's exciting not knowing what's going to happen. Ryan: Taylor, this is a great torte. Really good. At the airport Seth: Can I have the next flight to John Wayne Airport, please? Man: 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. Seth: Come on. Brown's college - Summer's bedroom Machine: Hey, Summer. I know flying home early is your move, but I stole it. I just wanted to give you room to keep doing what you're doing, because I think it's pretty amazing. So if you don't hear from me for a while, it's not because I don't love you, it's because I do. End of the episode.
doc_16
EXT. NEW YORK CITY Future Ted VO: Now I remember a lot of stories from back in the days before I met your mother, but there's one story I don't remember. Uncle Marshall still refers to it as the pineapple incident. The night started like any other. We were downstairs at the bar. INT. MACLAREN'S (Lily, Marshall, Ted, Robin and Barney sit at booth, Carl comes over with drinks) Carl: On the house. Everyone: Whoa. Carl: It's my own concoction. I call it the Red Dragon. Everyone: Wow. Thanks, Carl. (Carl walks away) Ted: We're not really doing shots, are we? Lily: I hope not. Barney: No, no. Lily: These look kinda like blood. Marshall: OK, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before, but is there any chance that Carl is a vampire? Barney: That's ridiculous. Marshall: I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark. Robin: Oh my God, that does describe a vampire, or you know, a bartender. (Everyone but Marshall laughs) Robin: Well, I should go get dressed. Ted: Where are you going, buddy? Hot date? Lily: I'll say, she's going out with a billionaire. Robin: Lily, I told you not to call him that. Ted: Wait, you're really going out with a billionaire? Robin: He's not a billionaire. He's a hundred millionaire. Why do people always round up? Ted: So, uh, where's Thurston Howell taking you? Robin: A charity dinner. Lily: Yeah, $2000 a plate. Robin: $1500, Stop rounding up. And it's for third world hunger. Barney: You gonna put out? (Everyone looks at Barney incredulously) Barney: What? There's only one reason he's taking her to this dinner and it's not so little Mutu can get his malaria pills. Lily: I think my soul just threw up a little bit. Robin: Well, I'm gonna be late. You guys have fun. Bye. (Robin gets up and leaves) Ted: See ya. Lily: Bye. Marshall: You OK? Ted: Sure, why? Marshall: I don't know. Girl of your dreams dating a billionaire. Ted: OK, first of all, hundred millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friend. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I mean, I'm looking to settle down. She's looking for... (Barney starts snoring, Ted stops talking) Barney: What? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end. She's short but has an ample bosom. I love it. She's like half-boob. Let's go. (Barney stands up) Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line? Barney: Daddy's home. Ted: Daddy's home? Barney: Yeah. Ted: You want us to go over there right now and say to those girls, 'daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney. Barney: Hm. Yeah, I think it's pretty solid. (Barney walks away from their booth over to table four) Marshall: OK, think about this, is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it? Lily: Garlic fries. Marshall: OK, well, I'll get back to you. (Barney walks back to their booth) Ted: Oh, daddy's back. See, if you'd taken a moment to think about that... Barney: (holding up small yellow piece of paper) Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten this seven-digit Father's Day card from Amy, huh? Ted: That worked. I hate the world. Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do. Marshall: Doo-doo. Barney: Totally. Ted: So, I think a lot. I happen to have a very powerful brain. It can't be helped. Barney: Oh yes it can. (Barney puts a shot in front of Ted) Marshall: Interesting Barney: Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, hey, Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool but it's your job to make him awesome. Your brain screws you up, Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob. And it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style. Ted: So, what? You want me to do a shot. Barney: Oh no. I want you to do five shots. Marshall: Oooh, more interesting. Ted: Barney, I think you've officially... Barney: No, don't think. Do. Marshall: Ted, he's right. You overthink. Maybe you should overdrink. Marshall, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink... Ted: Ah, Lily, will you tell these guys how stupid they're being? Lily: Guys, you are being immature and moronic and drink, drink, drink Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink... (Ted takes a shot) Marshall, Lily, Barney: Yes! Drink, drink, drink... Ted: Let me tell you something about this brain, OK? (Ted takes second shot) Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink! Drink, drink... Ted: Even alcohol cannot stop this brain. (Ted takes third shot) Barney: I love it, I love it, I love it. Marshall, Lily: Drink, drink, drink... Ted: This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain. (Ted takes fourth shot) Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink... Ted: This is a superbrain. (Ted takes fifth shot) Ted: This brain is unstoppable. This brain... (screen blacks out) Future Ted VO: And that's all I remember, except for a few hazy memories. (black screen with white swirls spinning around and fire on the side, pineapple spins around, the words, "I am Ted, please call" spin around) Future Ted VO: But really, the next thing I remember is waking up the following morning. INT. TED'S BEDROOM (Ted lying in bed rolls over to his right side to see pineapple on his bedside table, gets up slightly looking surprised, rubs side of head and gets up and notices girl sleeping next to him on other side) Future Ted VO: So, there were some unanswered questions. (Ted sits up in bed and puts on some sweatpants) Future Ted VO: How much did I drink? How did I sprain my ankle? (Ted gets up and grabs left ankle in pain) Future Ted VO: And who was this girl in my bed? INT. APARTMENT (Lily and Marshall sitting in living room area, Ted walks in from his room) Lily: There's our rock star Ted: OK, what the hell happened last night? Marshall: You really don't remember, Superbrain? Future Ted VO: So, Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily filled me in. (flashback to previous evening at bar, Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted sit at booth, Carl walks over) Carl: And how did you guys like the shots? Ted: I drank all five, bitch. Marshall: (laughing) I love drunk Ted. Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire. (Marshall laughs and then gives Ted a stern look) Carl: If he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up. (Carl walks away) Lily: No dibs. (Lily puts index finger on her nose) Marshall: Oh. (Marshall puts index finger on his nose) (Barney moves top put his index finger on his nose) Barney: No....Dammit. Ted: How quickly you all forget. I haven't puked since high school. I am vomit-free since ninety-three. Vomit free since ninety-three. That's funny. I'm funny. (Ted gets his cell phone out) Lily: Who are you calling? Ted: Robin. Marshall: Oh, bad idea. Barney: No, no, that's a great idea. That's the whole point of getting drunk. You do things you would never do in a million years if you were sober. Lily: Says every girl you've ever slept with. (Lily puts her hand up for a high-five from Barney) Marshall: (pointing to Lily) Say what?! (Barney shakes his head, Lily puts her hand down) Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted. (Robin sitting in back of limo dressed up, talking on phone with Ted) Robin: Oh hi Ted. (Ted on phone) Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted. (Robin on phone) Robin: Hi Ted. Sounds like you're having fun. Ted on phone) Ted: Robin, have I ever told you that I'm vomit-free since ninety-three? (Robin on phone) Robin: Listen, Ted, I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive. (Ted on phone) Ted: I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter. You should be on 60 Minutes. You should be one of the minutes. (Robin on phone) Robin: That's sweet and odd. But I'm kinda on a date right now. (Ted on phone) Ted: Yeah, and I disagree with Barney. Just 'cause this guy is spending a lot of money doesn't mean you have to put out. Take it slow, Robin, take it slow. Slow. (Robin on phone) Robin: Bye Ted. (Ted on phone) Ted: Slow. (Lily takes away Ted's phone) Marshall: Wow, right, that's why we don't do shots. Lily: Friends don't let friends drink and dial. Ted: I need that phone back. Lily: You'll get this back at the end of class. Barney: Ding, class dismissed. Here you go, kid, you call whoever you want. (Barney takes phone from Lily and returns it to Ted) Ted: Thank you kind sir. At least someone appreciates the fact that I'm doing and not thinking. And now I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom. (Ted walks away) Lily: Was that necessary? He is not making smart decisions. Barney: Exactly. It's like, what's he gonna do next. I don't know, but I want to find out. (Cheap Trick's "Voices" starts playing on the jukebox) Marshall: Cheap Trick? Oh Ted. (Robin in car, her phone rings, she answers) Robin: Hello again, Ted. (Ted on phone singing along with jukebox) Ted: Hey, it's me again. (Robin on phone smiles) Ted: (singing along with jukebox) Plain to see again. (Ted jumps up on table) Ted: (singing along with jukebox) Please can I see you every day? Ted: (yelling to everyone in bar) I love everyone in this bar. Marshall: And we love you, drunk Ted. Ted: (singing along with jukebox) I'm a fool again. (Robin in car on phone with mouth wide open) Ted: (singing along with jukebox) I fell in love... (Ted falls off table) (Robin on phone) Robin: Ted? (back to present scene in apartment) Ted: Well, that explains the ankle. Lily: And then we brought you home and put you to bed. Ted: Was there anyone else in there with me? (Lily and Marshall get up and run over to Ted's bedroom door, Ted limps behind them, Lily opens door and she and Marshall peek in room to see girl lying on bed, Lily closes the door) Lily: There's a girl in there. Ted: I know. Marshall: And a pineapple. Ted: I know. Lily: Who is she? Ted: I don't know. (Ted sees his jacket burnt) Ted: What the hell happened to my jacket? Marshall: Whoa. Lily: That girl in there is alive, right? Ted: I should call Barney, maybe he knows what happened. (Marshall gets his phone out of his pocket and dials and gives to Ted, sound of phone ringing from bathroom, Lily, Ted and Marshall walk into the bathroom, Lily pulls curtain aside to find Barney lying in the tub) Barney: Hello. Ted: Why are you sleeping in our tub? Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling. Lily: Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. (laughs) I totally didn't sleep through it. For a little girl, you've got a big tank. Marshall: How did you get in here anyway? We put Ted to bed around one. Barney: Oh, you put Ted to bed all right. (flashback to Marshall and Lily putting Ted to bed) Ted: You guys take care of me. You guys are the best. I love you guys so much. Lily: Good night, Ted. Marshall: Love you too, buddy. (Lily turns out light, Marshall and Lily leave Ted's bedroom and close door, Ted asleep on his bed) (Ted enters MacLaren's) Ted: I'm back baby doll! Barney: Hey, hey hey hey, he rallies. And the night begins now. (Barney and Ted high-five) Barney: All right, game face on. Carl, two more. All right, all right, what do we think of this one? Ted: I think.... Barney: Ehhh! Trick question, no thinking. You know what time it is? It's do o'clock. Let's ride. Ted: Bring it. (Barney walks over to table and sits down next to girl, Ted walks in another direction) Barney: Have you met Ted? (Barney gestures behind him and finds that Ted's not there, sees Ted standing by jukebox with his phone) Barney: Excuse me. (Barney walks over to Ted) Barney: You're calling Robin. Ted: I'm calling Robin. Barney: Ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide, I forbid you from calling her. Ted: Oh yeah? What you gonna do? Barney: If you complete that call, I will set your coat on fire. Ted: You're bluffing. (Ted completes call to Robin) Ted: Hello, Robin, it's Ted. (Robin at dinner, answers phone) Robin: Ted, for the last time, stop. (Robin hears Ted screaming) Robin: Ted! (back to present scene at apartment, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall sit around living room) Ted: You set me on fire. Barney: Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. You got robbed, this is a blend. Ted: You set me on fire. And who's the girl in my bed? (Barney looks at Lily and Marshall and Ted, stumbles over to Ted's room and peeks in, closes door and stumbles back to living room) Barney: There's a girl in your bed. Marshall: And a pineapple. Am I the only one who's curious about the pineapple? Barney: Who is she? Ted: I have no idea. Barney: Nice. Ted: You really don't know who that is? Barney: No, after I hosed you down with a beverage gun, I brought you back here. Ted: I better not have gotten burned. (Ted pulls up sleeves to check his skin, notices writing on his right arm) Ted: Did any of you write that? Lily: (reading what's on Ted's arm) Hi, I'm Ted, if lost, please call...Who's number is that? Ted: I don't know. Marshall: Dude, call it. Hold on, I'm gonna make some popcorn. (Marshall runs to kitchen) (Marshall runs back from kitchen with bowl of popcorn) Marshall: OK, you can call now. God, this is intense, I love it. (Ted calls number on arm) Guy: Hello. Ted: Uh, hi, who is this? Guy: You called me, who's this? Ted: It's Ted. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MACLAREN'S (Carl on phone) Carl: It's Carl, from the bar. INT. APARTMENT (Ted on phone) Future Ted VO: And then Carl filled us in. (flashback to Barney putting Ted to bed) Ted: Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Go into my stable and take my finest stallion. He's yours, his name is Windjammer. (Ted lies down) Barney: Sleep it off, bra. (Barney turns off light and closes down behind him) (Ted enters MacLaren's) Ted: I'm back, baby doll! Ted: And I am gonna throw up. (Ted walks over to bathroom) (back to present scene) Ted: I threw up? My streak is over. Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good. Sorry, Carl, go on. (flashback to Ted talking to Carl at bar) Ted: Carl, did you know the word karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra? Isn't that hauntingly beautiful? Are you a vampire? Carl: I am cutting you off. Go home and get some sleep, Ted. Ted: Yeah, sun's gonna come up soon. Wouldn't want to be around for that, would we? Ted: Hey, how easy do you think it'll be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins, like right now. Carl: Give me your arm. (Ted puts arm on bar) Carl: This way, if you pass out in the gutter... (Carl writs on Ted's arm, Ted starts laughing) Ted: That tickles. Carl: Someone will call me and I will come get you. Ted: Thanks Carl. We can't just be friends, we're attracted to each other and we both know it. Carl: Excuse me? Ted: Me and Robin. Me and Robin, I have to make one more call. (Ted makes call on his cell phone) Carl: Yeah, this'll go good. Ted: Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so shy don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together? Really? Great. Wait, really? Great. (back to present scene) Ted: Thanks Carl. Ted: It's Robin. That's Robin in there. Marshall: Did you guys? (Barney puts up hand for high-five) Barney: Oh come on. You've gotta give me this one. Those five shots got you farther with Robin than your brain ever did. See what happens when you don't think? You do! More importantly, you do Robin. Come on. (Ted high-fives Barney) Lily: All right, right over here. (Lily and Ted high-five) Ted: Still, what does this mean? Are we dating now? I mean, I never pictured it going down this way, but maybe that's how it had to happen. I mean, think about it... Barney: Someone get him a shot, he's thinking again. Marshall: Maybe it's not such a bad idea to think about this one. You and Robin went down this road before, you got dinged up pretty bad. Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Go wake her up. Ted: Wake her up and say what? Barney: Daddy's home. (Ted limps over to his room) Marshall: Good luck buddy. INT. TED'S BEDROOM (Ted limps in, phone rings, Ted hurriedly answers it) Ted: Hello. (Robin in cab on phone) Robin: Ted, it's Robin. (Ted looks at girl lying in bed then looks at phone then back to girl, puts phone back to his ear) Ted: Are you sure? INT. APARTMENT (Ted closes bedroom door behind him and walks over to living room) Ted: Hey, Robin, how are you? (Lily, Barney and Marshall look at each other) (screen splits in two with living room scene on top half of screen, Robin in cab on phone on bottom half) Robin: Ted, I think you and I should have a talk about those phone calls last night. Do you mind if I swing by? (While Robin is talking, Lily, Barney, Marshall and Ted whisper to each other about girl in bed) Marshall: Ask her about the pineapple. Ted: Yeah, sure, come on over. Robin: Thanks. (Robin hangs up phone, full screen of apartment scene) Ted: No, wait, don't, no. (Ted hangs up phone) Ted: She's coming over. Crap. Lily: Wait, this is killing me. We have to find out who that girl is. (Trudy walks into the living room) Trudy: Trudy. My name is Trudy. Future Ted VO: And then Trudy filled us in. (flashback to previous evening at bar, Trudy sitting at booth with three girlfriends) Trudy's friend: I'm just surprised you didn't dump him sooner. Trudy: I know, it's two years of my life I'm never getting back. A little part of me just wants to jump the bones of the next guy I see. (Barney walks over) Barney: Daddy's home. Trudy: Or the one after that. Barney: OK, fair enough. I've got to prove a point to a friend, so you just gave me your number and your name is Amy. (Barney takes out yellow paper and pen from inside jacket pocket, scribbles on paper) Barney: Ladies. (Barney puts pen back in his pocket and walks away) (flash forward to Ted standing on table while singing) Ted: I love everyone in this bar. Trudy's friend: Look at that idiot go. Trudy: He's kinda cute. (Ted falls down and Trudy and her friends laugh) (flash forward to Trudy washing her hands in the ladies room, Ted walks out of stall) Ted: What are you doing in the men's room? What am I doing in the ladies' room? Oh right, I came in here 'cause I thought I was gonna throw up. Trudy: Did you? Ted: I did not. (back to present scene) Ted: And the streak continues. Vomit-free since '93. (Ted and Marshall high-five) Ted: Sorry, Trudy, go on. (flashback to Trudy and Ted in ladies room) Trudy: I liked your performance. Ted: What? The karaoke? Domo arigato. Trudy: I wish I had your guts, getting up and making a complete idiot of myself. Ted: Do it. Trudy: I don't know. Still, I've had a pretty serious week. I could sure stand to do something stupid. Ted: I'm something stupid, do me. Trudy: You're funny. Ted: Hey, can I call you sometime? Trudy: OK. (Ted gets his phone out) Trudy: Here, let me. (Trudy takes it and puts her phone number in) Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okie? These are the kinds of things I think about. Trudy: Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra. Ted: That's hauntingly beautiful. (Ted presses send and Trudy's phone rings) Ted: Hey, it works. Trudy: Then I guess you're gonna have to call me. (Trudy walks out of ladies room) (flash forward to Ted and Carl talking at bar) Ted: I need to make one more call. (Ted gets phone out, cut to Trudy sitting in back of cab, her phone rings and she answers) Trudy: Hello. (screen divides into two with Trudy talking on phone on left side, Ted on phone on right side) Ted: Hey, it's me again. Trudy: Hey. Ted: Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life. (back to present scene, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall listen to Trudy telling story in living room) Trudy: So I came over here. And now I'm really, really embarrassed. Marshall: Dammit, Trudy, what about the pineapple? Sorry. (knock on door) Ted: Uh, Robin's here. Um, look, Trudy, I need you to hide in my bedroom. (Ted grabs Trudy's hand and drags her to his room) Trudy: Why, is that your girlfriend? Ted: No, that's not my girlfriend. Look, it's complicated. Trudy: You're married. Yeah, I can't believe I did this. Ted: No, I'm not married. Um, I'll explain after you hide. (Trudy goes into Ted's room, Ted goes over and opens front door) Ted: Hi. Robin: Hey guys. Barney: Robin. Lily: Hi Robin. Barney: Top of the morning. Ted: Um, sorry I kept calling you like that. I was very drunk. Robin: No kidding. Those calls were really weird. Look, Ted, maybe we need to talk. Lily: Let's go get a snack. (Lily stands up) Marshall: I love to snack. (Marshall stands up) Barney: I'm good. (Lily pulls Barney up, Marshall, Lily and Barney walk over to kitchen) Ted: Come on, those calls weren't that weird. (Robin clears her throat, gets her phone out of her purse, presses button and phone replays Ted's call to Robin) Ted: (recording form phone) Robin! Come hang out! OK, I'm gonna make this sound until you come hang out. (Ted makes weird sound) Robin: That goes on for three-and a half minutes. Ted: Without a breath? That's gotta be some kind of record. Robin: Ted, you can't do this. Please, we're to be friends and now you're making it all confusing. Ted: No I'm not. Look, I just turned off my brain for the night. Nothing's changed, you've moved on, I've moved on. Robin: Really, you moved on? Ted: Yes. What, you don't believe me? (Robin exhales) Ted: Oh, OK. (Ted limps over to his room) Ted: Trudy, come on out. (Ted points to Robin) Ted: You are gonna laugh. Robin: Wait, you were with someone last night? Ted: Yeah, Trudy, she's cool. (Ted knocks on his bedroom door) Ted: Trudy, come on out. (Robin walks over to Ted) Ted: Seriously, it's OK. This is so Trudy. She's really shy, I think. (Ted opens door) Ted: Trudy? INT. TED'S BEDROOM (Ted and Robin enter to find room empty, Robin walks over to pineapple) Robin: Hi Trudy, I'm Robin. It's nice to meet you. You're right, she is shy. Ted: I'm not making this up. She must have climbed out the fire escape. (Robin looks at Ted incredulously) Ted: Whatever, whatever. I don't care what you think. Robin: Then why did you hide her from me? Ted: Wow, you're good. Did anyone ever tell you you should be on 60 Minutes? Robin: Yes, you did, last night. Ted: Really? Well. Robin: Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night. And don't feel bad, I've woken up with worse. (Robin walks out of his room, Ted sits down on bed and lies back) Future Ted VO: I left Trudy a message but she never called me back. That's just how life works sometimes. You turn off your brain for a night, and all you're left with is a bad hangover, a sprained ankle. (Ted looks at pineapple) INT. APARTMENT (Barney, Robin, Lily, Ted and Marshall sit around table eating pineapple) Future Ted VO: Oh, and we never found out where that pineapple came from, but it was delicious.
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(Continuing from last week. Sydney and Ana kneel in front of the case, staring at its contents. It starts to beep. Acid starts bubbling up through two tubes at either side of a piece of paper which is centered inside. It has binary digits written on it -- 0s and 1s. Ana and Sydney start memorizing it, saying out loud. The acid starts covering the piece of paper. The sheet disintegrates. They stand.) SYDNEY: Did you get it? ANA: Did you? (They take off, running in opposite directions.) SYDNEY: Dixon, I'm ending transmission! (Inside the SD-6 van, an agent sits with Dixon.) AGENT: She turned off her mic, I've lost her signal. (Sydney runs through the alley of the field.) SYDNEY: 0-0-1-0. Did you get that? (Vaughn is still in L.A.) VAUGHN: Got it. SYDNEY: I'm giving SD-6 the wrong number! VAUGHN: What? No, no, no, no, you give them exactly what-- SYDNEY: I'm not giving them the right sequence! There is no way, forget it! VAUGHN: Sydney, listen to me! This is critical! Sydney, you give them the number. That's an order. SYDNEY: An order? VAUGHN: Yes. SYDNEY: We have to have a long talk when I get back to Los Angeles! (Sydney runs up to the SD-6 van and crawls in.) SYDNEY: Dixon, I've got the code! 0-1-0-0-0-1-1-0-0-- (In the K-Directorate van, Ana tells the code to her agents.) ANA: Null, adin, null, adin-- (Sydney and the agents in the van, Dixon takes it down.) SYDNEY: 1-0-0-0-1-1-0-0-1-1-1. Just two ones. Then-- (In the K-Directorate van.) ANA: Null, adin, null, adin, null, null, adin, null-- (SD-6 van.) SYDNEY: 1-1-0-1. That's it. 1-1-0-1. DIXON: You did good. (In Los Angeles, inside a yellow parked van. Sydney, Vaughn and Weiss.) SYDNEY: You do NOT give me orders! VAUGHN: Maybe I do-- SYDNEY: I could have easily misled SD-6-- VAUGHN: You're not thinking this through! SYDNEY: ...That's what I'm here for! VAUGHN: Just stop talking for a second! If you'd given SD-6 a bogus code, what would have happened when Ana gave K-Directorate the correct sequence? SYDNEY: Who cares? They would have thought I made a mistake! VAUGHN: Oh, and what, that Ana didn't? She would've given them the correct code, they would have seen the code indicate at Athens, K-Directorate would head there, SD-6 would have nothing. They would suspect you. Sydney, we have to be very careful here. We have to be wildly, crazy careful. If SD-6 suspects you in the least, it's over. SYDNEY: Ana's been the enemy for three years. In Berlin I realized she wants SD-6 to burn almost as much as I do. VAUGHN: As far as the C.I.A.'s concerned, the only thing worse than SD-6 getting its hands on critical information is if K-Directorate gets it first. Ana is still your enemy. (Credit Dauphine. Sloane and Russett walk together.) SLOANE: You're not into mysticism, are you? RUSSETT: Mysticism. SLOANE: Neither am I. But keep an open mind, it'll help. The code was written in 1489. The guy who wrote it was some sort of Nostradamus. His name was Milo Rambaldi. RUSSETT: This binary was witten by a fifteenth century fortuneteller. How come I've never heard of him? SLOANE: His designs were so advanced, they just assumed he was insane. On some of his drawings, he made lists of part numbers. I.D. numbers of actual technology not manufactured until now. This year. It's real, it's a hunt. This man spent the last ten years of his life working on one project. We don't know whether it's a weapon, a fuel source, a transportation system. Based on the little we do know, its technology is beyond anything we have ever seen. How's your wife? I forgot to ask. RUSSETT: Uh, good. Yours? SLOANE: Actually, Emily's a bit under the weather. Thanks for asking. Come on. (They enter the board room where Marshall and Sydney sit.) SLOANE: Did you read the report? SYDNEY: They found nothing. SLOANE: This is Anthony Russett, he's transferring here from Jennings. He's working on the UCO file. You've already met Marshall. This is Sydney Bristow. RUSSETT: I know your father. SLOANE: We read the code you recovered. Accordingly, we sent a team to Athens. So, I just got a phone call from SD-3, he said there was no evidence to anything pertaining to Rambaldi. And we were there first. Turns out, we made a giant mistake. But so did K-Directorate. MARSHALL: In our rush to decipher the Rambaldi enigma, we misinterpreted the code. It left us with two series of digits. We assumed longitude and latitude. But he was using a compression scheme. I should have seen that. Instead of sending a team to Athens, we should have been headed to Malaga, Spain. SLOANE: Which is where you're going. There's a five-hundred-year-old church sitting on the exact site of Rambaldi's coordinates. SYDNEY: What am I looking for? SLOANE: We don't know. The only clue we have, if it is indeed a clue, are two words that were part of a code: Sol d'oro. RUSSETT: Golden sun. (Malaga, Spain. Sydney shines a flashlight in the church, she looks over the pews for the clue. She looks around, turns to see the painted glass window at the back of the church. In the center is a golden sun. Sydney takes a desk and stands on top if it. She touches the golden sun and unscrews its center. The golden circle is the clue. She looks at it in her hands, and jumps down. Ana, from behind her, takes her by the throat and snatches the golden sun away from her.) ANA: I was hoping you'd come. (Sydney kicks Ana and Ana's gun goes sliding down the floor. Sydney punches her, roundhouse kicks. Ana drops the sun. Sydney flips Ana and dives behind a pew while Ana fires her gun at the pews, destroying many of them. Sydney flinches while on the floor, covering her head. She sees the sun lying nearby. Ana slinks closer with her gun in hand. She sees the sun, bends down and gets it. Sydney comes up from behind and hits her on the head with a wooden post with religious markings on it. The gun flies. Ana grabs a long candle stick holder and slaps Sydney in the head with it. Sydney lands on her back on a table. Sydney grabs Ana's hand and holds it above all the candles that are lit. Ana snatches her hand away, yelping in pain. Sydney quickly moves and handcuffs Ana's hand to the table post. She struggles like a caged animal. Sydney takes the sun, and walks out.) (In Sydney's house, Sydney and Francie sit on the sofa eating Chinese food. Sydney holds the matchbook, looking at it.) SYDNEY: You haven't said anything to Charlie? FRANCIE: I needed to talk to you first. SYDNEY: It's just a matchbook with someone's number. FRANCIE: Yeah, someone named Rachel who "truly loved tonight." SYDNEY: You have to ask Charlie about it. FRANCIE: Yeah. SYDNEY: I mean, what else are you going to do? FRANCIE: Have you ever spied on anyone? Okay, I know it's totally beneath me, but Charlie has been so distant lately, and every time I ask him what's wrong, he's like, "Nothing, baby. Everything's cool. It's all fine." SYDNEY: You don't believe him. FRANCIE: He has law review in an hour. SYDNEY: You want to follow hm. FRANCIE: So much, I cannot even tell you. SYDNEY: I think spying on your boyfriend generally sets a bad relationship precedent. FRANCIE: What if he's cheating on me? (Across the street from Francie and Charlie's house, Sydney and Francie sit in Sydney's vehicle. Francie eats some candy.) FRANCIE: You're a really good friend, you know that? SYDNEY: Yes, I do. (smiles) So, this thing happened with Will the other night. FRANCIE: What, did he come on to you? SYDNEY: No, no. I kissed him. FRANCIE: What? You kissed Will Tippin? Are you kidding me? SYDNEY: I know. Stop it. We were in the apartment by ourselves after you and Charlie left and we had all those drinks... FRANCIE: I don't believe it. You must have been really drunk. Hey, there he is. Start the car, start the car. SYDNEY: No, you wait 'til he's a block away. FRANCIE: Look at you getting all into it. SYDNEY: Everyone knows you wait. FRANCIE: I don't know you wait. SYDNEY: You wait. FRANCIE: What's he doing? (A car pulls up beside Charlie, its horn honking. Charlie walks over to the driver's side. A blonde woman gets out, and hugs him. They kiss briefly. Sydney looks at Francie. Charlie puts his duffel bag in the girl's trunk. Francie looks devastated.) FRANCIE: Okay. I guess he's not going to law review. (Will's office. He's on the phone, sitting at his desk. Jenny stands nearby.) WILL: H-E-C-H-T. You're certain? Okay. Thank you. I promise, I won't call again. (hangs up) Danny was supposed to be registered at a medical conference in Singapore. JENNY: You already told me. Litvack wants the baptist church copy. WILL: But I checked all the conferences twice. He's not registered at any of them. JENNY: I know... (His phone rings.) WILL: Will Tippin. (Sydney's at her house, watering plants.) SYDNEY: Hey, it's me. WILL: Hey. Hi. Uh, how'd your trip go? SYDNEY: Okay. How are you? WILL: Good. Uh, uh, busy. Listen, you don't feel weird about what happened, right? SYDNEY: A little. WILL: Me too. What is that? SYDNEY: We'll talk about that later. Listen, Francie and I saw Charlie last night with another woman. WILL: What? You're kidding. SYDNEY: Yeah. She spent the night at my place. She's here now, she's sort of a mess. WILL: Oh, God... SYDNEY: And the bank called. Uh, I might have another trip. WILL: You take an insane amount of trips. SYDNEY: Would you mind dropping by later? Just check on her and make sure she's okay. WILL: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. SYDNEY: Thank you. I should go. WILL: Okay. Go. I'll talk to you later. Bye. (He hangs up. Jenny stands there, watching.) JENNY: That was Sydney. You're different when you talk to Sydney. WILL: Don't analyze me. Go. Can you get me the number of, uh, the guy who works for the airport? What's his name? Luis Scourza? What? JENNY: If you want me to do something for you, you say please. WILL: Please. Scourza, okay? You know, "please" is implicit, Jenny! (Credit Dauphine. Sydney is at her desk, filing something. She sees her dad walking through. She gets up.) SYDNEY: Dad. You have a meeting with Sloane? MR. BRISTOW: McCullough. SYDNEY: Psych evaluation? MR. BRISTOW: Routine. It's nothing I'm not used to, nothing I look forward to, but, uh, such is the nature of the job. SYDNEY: So, Berlin. It worked out. My meeting with K-Directorate. We got the code. That was smart. MR. BRISTOW: Well, I should go. I'll see you later. SYDNEY: Dad... could we have dinner? How about Thursday, do you have plans? MR. BRISTOW: No. Thursday. Dinner. That'll be fine. (Board meeting. Sloane, Russett, Dixon, Sydney, Marshall.) SLOANE: Analysis is working full-time on the piece you brought back from Spain. This is not glass. They know that. It's a synthetic polymer. They believe it was made at least five hundred years ago. DIXON: Before there were synthetic polymers. SLOANE: And so the mystery continues. Meanwhile, we have another situation. This is last year's United Commerce Organization. Administerial conference. A number of groups led planned attacks against the proceedings. Zero defense among them. Word is they're planning to attend the conference this year in Sao Paulo. RUSSETT: Luc Jacqnoud should be landing in Morocco within the next forty-eight hours. SYDNEY: I thought he was in Le Sante for stabbing a police officer. RUSSETT: Released twenty-six months early. He's obviously got ties to French justice. Intel reports he'll be in Morocco to meet a client. DIXON: I.D. on the client? SLOANE: None. That's your job. You're Kate Jones, and Justin Bernell. You're traveling with Mindspring Learning Tours. You arrive on Wednesday. Your objective is to monitor the meeting, I.D. the client, and make sure whatever Jacqnoud is up to, doesn't happen. SYDNEY: Is Mochtar the contact? SLOANE: He's meeting you at the airport. (to Russett) This is an Egyptian commando. We recruited him two years ago. Marshall. MARSHALL: (standing) Okay. Ahem. How is, uh, everyone? Hi, or -- right. Okay. You're going in with the usual tech -- camera, comm gear, and sat relay, but this-this is new. (holds up a purse) Now, this looks just like a normal purse that you would wear out with going out with your lady friends. Put your feminine things in there, but, a parabolic microphone. (points to center of the design) Has a laser transmitter that works in a three hundred yard radius, and oh, and I also added a low frequency tantalum wind filter that will eliminate any unwanted sounds below a hundred and fifty hertz. Not that you're going to be in any wind. I mean, you're probably not going to be in any wind, but let's say that you were in some wind, you know, like a light breeze, like a (whistles). Or even a strong wind, like, a gust, like a (blowing air). This? Nothing. Silent. Wind filter. (sits) (Inside psych evaluation room. Mr. Bristow has pads over his face for monitoring purposes. Machines beep around him. McCullough sits nearby.) MCCULLOUGH: You feel light, thin air, and as you continue moving downward, you feel more and more relaxed. The escalator continues down and the closer you get to the light, the more relaxed you feel. (We see inside Jack's mind. An escalator.) MCCULLOUGH: (voice over) The escalator seems to continue forever, and you feel safe and relaxed. (White light. In Jack's mind, we're transported to a baby's room. A crib sits in the corner with a stuffed teddy bear.) MCCULLOUGH: (V.O.) Still listening to my voice, you keep going and the farther you go, the more comfortable you feel. (A woman is holding a baby gently in her arms. We're assuming it's Jack's wife, Sydney's mom. Suddenly, the woman turns and it's... Sydney. Holding the baby.) SYDNEY: It's only a matter of time before I find out the truth. (In the evaluation room, Mr. Bristow snaps to attention, looking terrified.) MCCULLOUGH: Jack? MR. BRISTOW: Just give me a minute, will you? (He pulls the pads off his face and exits. Outside the room, he desperately tries to control himself. He calmly buttons his jacket.) (Car wash. Sydney is inside the waiting area while her car gets a washing. Vaughn approaches, looking disheveled. Well, more than usual.) VAUGHN: Sorry I'm late. SYDNEY: That's all right. You okay? VAUGHN: Yeah. Turns out we knew Jacqnoud was traveling, but we thought he was going to Bahrain. But what we don't know is why SD-6 is so interested in the U.C.O. SYDNEY: You sure you're okay? VAUGHN: Yeah. I just, uh-- SYDNEY: Did you have a fight with your wife? VAUGHN: My what? SYDNEY: Your wife. VAUGHN: What wife? I have no wife. SYDNEY: No, there was a picture in your office. You and that woman. I thought you were married. VAUGHN: No. She and I are not remotely m-- You thought I was married this whole time? SYDNEY: I guess so. What's the big deal? VAUGHN: Nothing. So when you get an idea on who he's meeting and/or details of that meeting, just call the usual number. Hit the eight key. We'll dead-drop in the trash can. Why did you ask me if I had a fight with my girlfriend? SYDNEY: I don't know. Did you? VAUGHN: Huge. Good luck in Morocco. SYDNEY: Thanks. (He leaves, looking more stressed than before.) (Morocco. At the airport, Sydney and Dixon walk to the curb. They see a man, Mochtar, who waves to them. They approach.) MOCHTAR: Look at you! SYDNEY: It's been a while! (She kisses him on both cheeks.) MOCHTAR: Ah, hello! DIXON: How have you been? MOCHTAR: Lately, too busy. Too many people with dangerous toys. SYDNEY: Any news on Jacqnoud? M0CHTAR: Yes. A friend tells me he's meeting a client today in the local marketplace. I've got a good spot for us. DIXON: Any word on the client? MOCHTAR: Big mystery. We still don't know. Come, I'm parked right over there. (Sydney's house. Francie talks on the phone to Sydney.) FRANCIE: Charlie has called my cell phone six times. SYDNEY: You still haven't seen him? FRANCIE: No. I want him to suffer. I'm not even going to tell him where I am. How is Chicago, did you get there okay? (Cut to Sydney, in Morocco, putting on her disguise.) SYDNEY: Yeah. Chicago's fine. Look, let me just sy one thing, just so someone's saying it. There might be an explanation. FRANCIE: He got into a car with a woman I have never met. SYDNEY: Just talk to him. Tell Charlie what you saw. You owe him that. FRANCIE: Maybe after he calls me a few more times. SYDNEY: Call me if you need me, okay? Love you. FRANCIE: Love you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Sydney, complete in her disguise, goes out to the balcony to see Mochtar and Dixon setting up video cameras and cameras for the op.) SYDNEY: How's the view? (takes purse) You want to give this a test run? Can you hear me? DIXON: Loud and clear. MOCHTAR: Jacqnoud just walked in. DIXON: Who's he with? M0CHTAR: Uh, looks like he's solo. DIXON: (to Sydney) You're ready. SYDNEY: I'm going shoppin'! DIXON: Bring us back something, would you? SYDNEY: That's the plan! (She leaves and walks down to the market, looking around. She gets closer. Jacqnoud sits alone.) SYDNEY: Are you picking this up? DIXON: Yeah. The mic's hot. SYDNEY: He's still alone. (A man tries to sell her something.) SYDNEY: No, no, no, I don't understand. Don't understand. Sorry. (Jacqnoud greets a man at his table.) SYDNEY: The meet just got here. (In the balcony, Mochtar and Dixon looks. Dixon takes pictures.) DIXON: Got him! Mochtar, you know this guy? MOCHTAR: No, but I'm going to try and get an I.D. right now. (Mochtar runs to another set up around the hallway. The laptop connects, scanning the picture for identification of the man meeting with Jacqnoud.) (Downstairs, the men meet.) SUARI: Nice to finally meet you in person. Everything worked getting here? JACQNOUD: Yes, thank you. Merci beaucoup. SUARI: So, how are we doing? JACQNOUD: You mean phase three? SUARI: What were the results? JACQNOUD: You will be very happy. If Patel's going to be our delivery man, I'll need the piece by tomorrow. SUARI: As long as the financial arrangements can be made, that shouldn't be a problem. JACQNOUD: Bon. Salut. (The bodyguard stares at Sydney. She looks away.) SYDNEY: Dammit! The litle guy's bodyguard. I know him. DIXON: What? SYDNEY: From Corisca, two years ago. The son of a bitch broke my arm. (She starts walking away. The bodyguard looks up, and sees the camera lens in the balcony.) DIXON: Mochtar, pack up! We've got to get out of here! (The bodyguard sees shadows scurrying along up on the balcony.) SYDNEY: (walking) We have somebody. (Sydney tries to leave.) DIXON: Syd, get out of there! (The bodyguard stops her.) BODYGUARD: You. I know you. SYDNEY: I'm sorry. You're talking to me? BODYGUARD: I think you remember me, too. (He throws her in a small part of the market, she falls to the ground behind the curtain. He advances.) SYDNEY: I'm sorry. I don't know who you are. BODYGUARD: Tell me why you're here, or this time I do more than just break you arm. (Sydney kicks a table in the air, catches it, throws it at him, smashes his head in twice. He pushes her up against the wall, she flips off of it. Kicks him in the back. Hits him with an empty pot three times. He falls. The curtain opens, and an elderly couple -- tourists -- walk in, shocked.) SYDNEY: He wanted to charge me fifty dollars. That's too much. (Upstairs, Dixon frantically packs up. Gunshots are heard. Dixon freezes. Sydney runs up the stairs.) SYDNEY: Dixon! Dixon! Dixon, do you copy! (Sydney stops running when she sees Mochtar's lifeless body. She takes off her glasses. Down the hall, punches are being thrown as more bodyguards try beating up Dixon and Sydney. She fights one of the men. Another guy manages to pin Dixon down on a table, but he jumps up, kicking the man.) DIXON: Are you okay? SYDNEY: I'm fine! (Helicopter whirring overhead. Sydney gets some of the gear and stops at Mochtar. Touches his head. When she takes her hand away, she sees his blood on her palm. Dixon stops behind her.) DIXON: We have to go. (Sydney stares at Mochtar, and leaves.) (At Sydney's house, she arrives home from her trip. She puts her bag down.) FRANCIE: Hey. SYDNEY: Hi. FRANCIE: How was your trip? SYDNEY: It was awful. FRANCIE: Syd, I'm sorry. SYDNEY: What's going on with Charlie? FRANCIE: I'm meeting him for coffee. He knows something's up. If he doesn't have an explanation, if he can't exactly explain why he was kissing some whore instead of going to law review, I'm going to kill him. SYDNEY: Don't say that. (Will appears behind them.) WILL: She's on a rampage. She wasn't even going to go out with him, I had to force her to go out with him. (smiles sweetly at Sydney) Hi. SYDNEY: Hi. FRANCIE: Let me ask you something. You think it's going to go all right? SYDNEY: I do. (The girls hug. Only this time, Sydney hugs a little longer, needing that comfort after the day she's had.) FRANCIE: Love you. SYDNEY: Love you. FRANCIE: See you, Will! WILL: Good luck. Let me get that for you. (He gestures to Sydney's luggage. Francie leaves.) SYDNEY: Thanks. WILL: You look exhausted. SYDNEY: Pretty good assessment. (Inside Sydney's bedroom, Will sits down on her bed with the luggage at his feet.) WILL: So, hey, I was thinking about what happened. You know, that, uh, you know, that kiss. Yeah. And, uh, I think I've figured out why it was so weird. SYDNEY: Why? WILL: Well, because, how often do you, you know, do you kiss someone that you're that close to? I mean, never. (He flips the luggage tag that reads "Kate Jones" in his hand as a nervous habit, not realizing the name that's written there.) WILL: Anyway, I, uh, I know that it's awkward between us now, but... (Sydney sits beside him, seeing what he's doing, and takes the luggage from him.) WILL: I think that I've figured out a way for it to not be so awkward anymore. SYDNEY: What? (Will kisses her, holding her face gently. Their eyes slowly open. It's awkward. He pulls away.) WILL: Okay. That didn't work, did it? SYDNEY: I have to go have dinner with my father. WILL: Ooooh, now I feel like an idiot. SYDNEY: No, don't, don't. WILL: (embarrassed) Oh, my God. I have that feeling. Oh, my God. (Restaurant. Sydney sits alone.) WAITER: Would you like to order, ma'am? SYDNEY: I'll wait, thanks. I'm meeting someone. (Sydney looks at her watch.) (Different restaurant. Francie and Charlie.) CHARLIE: (to waiter) Thank you. (sighs) So, you gonna tell me what's up? Do I have to start guessing? FRANCIE: I saw you. CHARLIE: Saw me what? FRANCIE: I saw you outside our house with a woman. CHARLIE: What are you doing watching me? FRANCIE: I don't have to answer that question, you do! What were you doing? CHARLIE: She's a friend. FRANCIE: A friend you went out with instead of going to a law review. Her name's Rachel, right? CHARLIE: (to waiter) No, thanks. (to Francie) You know I trust you. FRANCIE: I give you reason to! I am not going to let you lie to me, Charlie! Now, explain yourself. CHARLIE: Francie, I love you, and I'm not playing around. We're just hanging out, that's all. FRANCIE: All right. Hang out. Hang out with Rachel. (She leaves.) (Sydney waits at the restaurant. Looks around. Looks at the menu, puts it down. Still waiting. She's getting more worried. She looks at her watch. Her cell phone rings.) SYDNEY: Hello? MR. BRISTOW: Sydney. Sorry to call so late. SYDNEY: No, it's all right. MR. BRISTOW: Uh, look, uh, I won't be able to make dinner. Work is, uh, just, um, I can't get away. You understand. SYDNEY: Of course. Don't worry about it. (We see that Mr. Bristow is actually in his car, at the restaurant, watching Sydney.) SYDNEY: I'll just see you at... I'll just see you. MR. BRISTOW: Okay. Bye. (hangs up) (Sydney hangs up, choking down tears. She covers her mouth. She then picks up her phone, and dials.) (Pier, night. Sydney and Vaughn.) SYDNEY: (sobbing) I'm sorry to call you, I just didn't know who else to call. My father and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. The first time since I was a kid. I can't even remember the last time. (sobs) He just didn't show. He said he had work. He didn't have work. This isn't just about my dad. When I was in Morocco, the man who died... he was a friend of mine. He was a good man, who thought he was fighting for the right side, that he was working for the C.I.A.! He was lied to, and now he's dead. I had his blood on my hands! VAUGHN: Sydney... SYDNEY: I feel like I'm losing my mind! Like I don't even know who I am anymore, or what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it! (Her pager suddenly beeps. Sydney grabs it, and throws it in the water below them. It splashes.) VAUGHN: You just threw your beeper in the Pacific. SYDNEY: (laughs through tears) I know... VAUGHN: Okay, listen to me. There's something you need to know. When you first walked into my office with that stupid Bozo hair, I thought you were crazy. I thought you might actually be a crazy person. But I watched you, and I read your statement, and I've seen... I've seen how you think, I've seen how you work, I've seen how you are in this job. In this job, you see darkness. You see the worst in people and though the jobs are different and the missions change, and the enemies have a thousand names, the one crucial thing, the one real responsibility you have is to not let your rage, and your resentment, and your disgust, darken you. When you're at your absolute lowest, at your most depressed, just remember that you can always... you know. You got my number. (A few seconds pass. Sydney grabs Vaughn's hand, and holds on tight.) (Credit Dauphine, the next day.) SLOANE: I put the recording you made through voice print. The man that Jacqnoud is meeting with is Malik Suari. He specializes in industrial demolition. This is his latest innovation. It's called the Blu-250. Commissioned by a Swiss corporation to blow out mountain ranges for the production of high speed trains. There's a third piece. You will be very happy. (They play the recording Sydney took.) SLOANE: Now, of course, the man they're referring to is Dhiren Patel. DIXON: You think the winner of the Edgar Peace Prize is working with Luc Jacqnoud? SLOANE: Dhiren Patel is India's delegate to the U.N., he's a former president of the southern hemisphere. Human rights commission. There's no way in the world he's working with Jacqnoud. SYDNEY: So, then, what's the connection? SLOANE: Irony. Jacqnoud is using Mr. Patel without his knowledge to send a message to the U.C.O. DIXON: Which is what? SLOANE: To abolish the organization. We've traced at least a half a dozen threats to Jacqnoud. This has it that this last act will be his most violent. SYDNEY: You think Jacqnoud is going to plant an explosive on Patel? SLOANE: Yes, I do. And I want you two to stop it. That's why you're leaving for Sao Paulo tonight. The job is to find Patel, recover the weapon, and safeguard the U.C.O. Any questions? (Sao Paulo. At a party, Dixon looks around, wearing a tux.) DIXON: Any luck? (Pan over to Sydney, dressed in disguise.) SYDNEY: I don't see Patel anywhere. (At Will's office, he's on the phone. Jenny stands nearby.) WILL: Oh, and that's unusual, buying an international flight with cash. Uh-huh. But he was traveling alone, right? Excuse me? Daniel Hecht was not traveling alone? (Sydney mingles, looks around. Patel enters.) SYDNEY: I have a twenty on Patel. DIXON: Let's get him out of here. (Patel wipes sweat from his head, motions to his bodyguards that he's suddenly ill.) SYDNEY: Wait. Something's wrong. He looks sick. DIXON: Sick? (Patel collapses.) SYDNEY: He just went down. DIXON: Does he have a drink? SYDNEY: Yes. DIXON: Get the glass. (Sydney walks over to where Patel has collapsed. Some people surround him, checking if he's okay. She crouches down near Patel's fallen hand, where he's holding his drink.) SYDNEY: Is he okay? Did somebody call a doctor? (She takes the glass, stands, and drops it into Dixon's hand, who walks by.) MAN: Excuse me, I'm a doctor. Can I help? (The man kneels down. Suari stands in the background, takes a drink, watching with interest.) SYDNEY: Guess who's here? (Dixon exits the party, and goes into the stairwell, still holding Patel's drink.) DIXON: Suari. (He puts something in the drink, shakes the glass a little.) DIXON: I'm telling you, if they're bombing this place, it's going to be tomorrow. Opening ceremonies. (Dixon holds the glass up to the light. Patel's drink turns blue.) DIXON: They fed Patel some kind of powdered sedative compound. Looks like a designer drug. (Out at the party near the curb, people stand around, watching Patel enter an ambulance.) DIXON: Keep an eye on Suari. (The ambulance drives away. Sydney sees a brand new motorcycle parked.) SYDNEY: I'm following Patel. (Will's office, continuing.) WILL: Just confirm something for me. The person traveling with Daniel Hecht, the name was Sydney Bristow, right? No? Are you sure? Okay, man, you gotta tell me who it was. Just give me the name. Oh, come on, what about you owe me one? All right. Hey, you remember my assistant Jenny? No, no, no, no, the other one. JENNY: What are you doing? What are you doing? WILL: Yes, yes, yes. You give me the name, and she'll go out with you. JENNY: No, she won't! WILL: Yeah, she's psyched to go out with you, man. (Will presses a button on the phone and gives the receiver to Jenny.) JENNY: I'm not going to talk to him! WILL: (whispering) You don't ahve to go out with him, just say that you are. Please? JENNY: Fine! (picks it up) Hi. Yeah. Okay. I'd love to go out with you. Uh-huh. (She gives Will a dirty look and hangs up. He takes over on his headset.) WILL: Okay, so, give me the name of the person who was traveling with Daniel Hecht. Yeah, I know. (Will types "Kate Jones" on his computer, frowning.) WILL: Kate Jones. Kate Jones. (He types "Kate Jones?".) (In Sao Paulo, the ambulance races down the street. Sydney rides behind it with the motorcycle she eyed. The ambulance pulls up to a building, enters a gate. She comes up behind. The ambulance enters the building. She stops and takes off her helmet, wtaching. She spots a way to get into the building. Inside, the ambulance driver takes off his tuxedo coat. Talks to Suari. They're getting Patel out of the ambulance. To the side, is a marked off area with hospital gear set out.) AMBULANCE DRIVER: There was any problems? SUARI: No problem. He's ready to go. (Sydney runs and climbs up a stairwell outside. Inside, a few doctors gather around Patel.) DOCTOR: Scalpel. (Patel lays, unconscious. Sydney breaks a cage outside and climbs inside. At the operation, a doctor makes an incision on Patel's chest. Someone else wipes the blood away. Sydney, climbing above where the operation is taking place, moves through an entryway and gasps as her legs dangle below through a giant hole in the walkway. She pulls herself up, grunting. On her hands and knees, she looks down. Coming up to another hole in the ceiling above where the doctors are currently cutting Patel open, she gets a better look with a small telescope that is about the size of a pencil. She seees Suari below, observing the operation. And Jacqnoud. She gets a better look. She sees Patel's face. They're making the incision deeper. One of the doctors holdds a small metal casing that is formed into a half moon.) SUARI: Uh, careful with that. That's the equivalent to three hundred pounds of TNT. JACQNOUD: Yes. Don't kill him. (Sydney watches in horror as the doctors put the bomb inside Patel's chest.)
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(audience laugh) Lucas (reading): "It has been a long time since New Years on the roof". "Remember that"? "I know we've been avoiding it but now the flowers are blooming and it is Spring: the season of love"! "Hi! My name is Lucas Friar and I am here to talk about us". Maya: Do we have to talk about this? Lucas: We have to make some decisions! Riley: We have chosen to completely forget about this! (yells) He's in my room! Cory (O.C.): You have to make some decisions! Lucas (reading): "This is very hard for me. We have to be very careful about what's going on, because I don't want to--" Riley (interrupts): .. lose either one of you as my friends? Lucas (continues reading): ".. lose either one of you as my friend". Maya: You were with him when he wrote this?! Riley: No. Maya, I think we just all know what's at stake here. Maya: Nothing's at stake here. Just tell me right now: nothing will affect our friendship. Riley: (shrugs) It won't. Lucas (pretending to read): "What... about... what... I... want"? (audience laugh) Riley: One card for each word... Maya: Why did he do that? Riley: Emphasis. Maya: Why did he do that?! Riley: Lucas, what do you want? Lucas: I don't want anything bad to happen to us... but I especially don't want to be responsible for something bad happening between the two of you! Maya: We know that. Riley: Why do you think we like you? Maya: What's it say on your last card? Lucas: Oh, I'll get to it. (audience laugh) Lucas: See? I have different feelings for each of you and I don't entirely understand them. Riley: We don't understand this either. Lucas: That's why the smartest thing to do would be to make the right decision, right now, and just move on. Riley: Great! How do we do that? Maya: You mean, choose one of us over the other? What happens then? Riley: That would be the end of us. Maya: What's it say on your last card? Lucas (reading): "I don't want this to be the end of us"! [SCENE_BREAK] (Theme music playing) ♪ I've been waiting ♪ ♪ For a day ♪ ♪ Like this to come ♪ ♪ Struck like lightning ♪ ♪ My heart's beating like a drum ♪ ♪ On the edge ♪ ♪ Of something wonderful ♪ ♪ Face to face with changes ♪ ♪ What's it all about? ♪ ♪ Life is crazy ♪ ♪ But I know ♪ ♪ I can work it out ♪ ♪ 'Cause I got you ♪ ♪ To live it with me ♪ ♪ I feel all right, I'm gonna take on the world ♪ ♪ Light up the stars, I've got some pages to turn ♪ ♪ I'm singing "Go-o-o" ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Take on the world, take on the world ♪ ♪ Take on the world ♪ ♪ Take on the world, take on the world ♪ ♪ Take on the world ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. John Quincy Adams Middle School - Classroom - day ] [SCENE_BREAK] Legacy! (audience laugh) Why is Farkle a goose? Riley: That's the Einstein Academy Goose. Oh! Of course. The Einstein Academy Goose. Why is it on Farkle's desk? Maya: Einstein captured Farkle. It was their end of the year prank. Maya: So, since they took our mascot... Riley: We took theirs, and now we are even. (audience laugh) Farkle is not our mascot. Maya: What would you call him? (audience laugh) Where's Zay? They got Zay too? Zay is back in Texas; he's at Vanessa's Spring Formal. all: Ooo-oo-oh. Alright guys, listen up. It's your last week of school. This is my last chance to teach you something. Maya: You have more to teach us? I have so much more I wanna teach you. So much more... I mean, you guys are gonna be leaving this place; what will you be leaving behind? What is your legacy? I want to talk about not just what you've gotten from this place... but what you've given. Maya: He's right! We still haven't thought of our class prank! I was thinking we could let all of the air out of school. Everybody would just be like (makes strangling noises). That would be hilarious. Farkle: I'll tell you what's hilarious: nobody saved me! Why did nobody save me?! Riley: Farkle, we looked for you for a whole five minutes and then we took the goose. (audience laugh) Maya: He's the new you! Donnie Barnes, regular goose. I'd see that movie. (audience laugh) Farkle: Oh, please. Farkle cannot be replaced by a goose. Farkle is unique and one of a kind. (at goose) Hah! (Goose honks back) (audience laugh) Farkle: You don't know me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Matthews Kitchen - night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Riley: You haven't taught me enough! Did I teach you to pass the mashed potatoes? Riley: Yes. Well then, there's a test on that right now. (audience laugh) You passed! (audience laugh) Funny Daddy. (audience laugh) What's bothering you Riley? Riley: Everything gets harder. Everything gets harder and you didn't tell me! Were you going to tell me? You didn't tell her? Only every day. You tell her. Life gets harder. Tell her Auggie. Auggie: I'm doin' fine! (audience laugh) Riley: We're graduating middle school. We're supposed to be in the middle of our education. The only thing I'm in the middle of is a big mess with two of the people I care most about in the world. Why? Riley: Because we're not talking about it? Because Maya and I both like Lucas and so we know none of us is going to get hurt, so we're all scared to move. You know what makes me happy? Riley: How could you be happy about any of this? Because you're talking to us about it. No matter what happens to you, we always want to be a part of what happens to you. Riley: You always will be. Thanks Riley. That's the greatest legacy any parent could have. Well, you guys are both going to be fine, and there is nobody stronger than Maya; nothing can break her. I just don't see it. (Maya enters and falls to her knees.) Awwww, it's a poor baby. It's a poor, poor baby. Come here. Come here. Aww... (hugs Maya) Maya. No matter what happens it is nobody's fault. Maya: Yes it is. Whose fault do you think it is? Maya: Matthew's! (points) Well, of course! Maya: You didn't teach us enough we don't know how to handle this, and now we're leaving, and you're staying behind, and you didn't teach us enough. Riley: Yeah, Dad, you're more than a teacher, you're like a father to me. (audience laugh) Thanks, Riley. He's the best teacher you're ever going to have and if there is one thing I know for sure he's taught you, it's how to express yourselves to each other, in the best possible way. And as long as you do that, there is nothing to worry about. Lucas (reading): "Hi! It's me, Lucas Friar". (audience laugh) Lucas (reading): "Since no-one knows what to do, I made a choice". OK, I'm a little worried. Lucas (reading): "I choose to stop--" Lucas, put the cards away. Say what you need to say. Lucas: You both mean the world to me, and I would never do anything to hurt either one of you... so I choose to stop. You won't decide, so I did, and I decided we're just friends. That's all we are. I don't want this to be the end of us. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. John Quincy Adams Middle School - Classroom - day ] [SCENE_BREAK] You came into this place, a bunch of young kids, who didn't know very much, and now look at ya: young men and women ready for what's next. Snap out of it. Get in here! (audience laugh) What are you doin'? Lucas: We value our friendship too much to look at each other. (audience laugh) Turn your chair around. Get in your seat. (audience laugh) Now, the most important thing you can do in life is give people a reason to remember you. The people who do that are the ones we study in here. So, your last assignment from me, and for yourselves, is to figure out what you'll give back. Maya: What? Lucas: I looked at Riley. Maya: I know, I saw. Lucas: So, I'm looking at you to even it up! Maya: Oh, well, a girl always wants to be looked at to be evened up. (audience laugh) Lucas: We're just friends, and I love your outfit. Riley: (screams) Hey! (slams both hands on the window) Lucas: Your hair smells nice! Maya: You smelled her hair? (audience laugh) Lucas! Lucas: I'm dying here! (audience laugh) What are you grateful for? Who do you want to remember you? (Riley enters and sits down) Do something about it... right now. Now, get outta here! (The class leave and Riley is still in her seat) Riley: I'm not ready to leave this place. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. John Quincy Adams Middle School - Corridor - day ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ms. Kossal: What's going on? Maya: I'm graduating, Ms. Kossal... and I wanted to say goodbye... and thank you for believing in me. Ms. Kossal: I expect great things from you, Maya. You've been given a real gift... so grow! And when you feel something you know the rest of us feel, explain it to us... Paint us a picture. Maya: I'll try. Ms. Kossal: I'm glad I had the chance to be your teacher. (Ms. Kossal hugs Maya) [SCENE_BREAK] Farkle: Just a quick goodbye, Mr. Norton, we both know emotion has no place in science. Mr. Norton: Quite right, my dear boy. So, from one scientist to another, see you on Mars. (audience laugh) Farkle: Mr. Norton, can we just stop being scientists for one second? Mr. Norton: Well, let me remove the protective goggles of my soul! Clear outta here! (audience laugh) Farkle: I'm really gonna miss you, sir. Mr. Norton: The feeling's mutual, my boy. Farkle: Is it possible feelings are stronger than science? Mr. Norton: Hm. Keep discovering, Farkle. [SCENE_BREAK] Janitor Harley: Me? Lucas: Yeah. I wanted to say thank you. Janitor Harley: Why? I left some kind of impression on you? Clear outta here! (audience laugh) Lucas: Mr. Matthews told me I had to make a real difficult choice once. Janitor Harley: I was at a crossroads; I was standing on the corner of Maple Street and Alcatraz. Lucas: How did you make the right decision? Janitor Harley: I always try and make sure this bench here is polished up and looking nice and inviting for you to sit on. You know why I do that? Lucas: Why? (sits) Janitor Harley: Because, you kids come and go, but this bench stays right here and all the problems of the universe get decided on it. I respect a nice place where good decisions get made. Gettin' a little worn down... A little old as time goes by, but aren't we all? Thanks for saying goodbye to me, Lucas. Means a lot to me. Make good decisions. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. John Quincy Adams Middle School - Classroom - day ] [SCENE_BREAK] Riley: I don't wanna go. I'm not ready for high school... and I don't wanna go. Why not? Riley: 'Cause we did great here. This was the time of our lives; we were kings, Matthews. (audience laugh) Riley: What will I be next year? Not kings. Riley: No. The opposite of kings. Freshmen. Worms. Worse than worms freshmen. You'll be fine Riley. You all will. Riley: Also... and I don't say this a lot but... I like you. (audience laugh) You do?! Riley: Yeah. You said you had a lot more to teach us. And I will. You're my daughter. Riley: What about the rest of my friends, Dad? You need to teach all of us more. We're a mess. We shouldn't feel we don't know how to feel and you need to teach us how to not feel. What? Maya: You got one last lesson for the road? Yeah. I do. Maya: Well, I've never said this before but... you have my attention. (audience laugh) Good! This one's important. I've gotten to watch you guys become friends, and I've gotten to watch you grow. You guys grew up so fast... and I've been trying to teach you to keep your feelings inside... Riley: And you were right. Look at us. I was wrong! Your teacher was wrong. I can't keep you in this place. You've outgrown it. You guys are graduating to whatever comes next. You know why? Maya: No. You've earned it. Maya: How do we know when we're ready? Same way we know anything. Let's take one last test and see. (all groan) Farkle: Yay! [SCENE_BREAK] Riley: Are you even allowed to do this? It's the last day of school. I'm still your teacher. I can do whatever I want. Besides, this test isn't for a grade. This is a test to find out what you have actually learned here. Question one: What's the secret to life? Maya. Maya: People change people. And for extra credit? Maya: What us does for them? What does that mean? Maya: How we help those who are less fortunate than us? And are you an "us" or "them"? Maya: I'm an "us". I'm very blessed. We all are. Question two: Sneak attack. Riley? Riley: Pearl Harbor. And for extra credit? Riley: Missy Bradford tried to tear our friendships apart. Lucas was new here and she tried to throw a sneak attack. I think that was the moment we all realized what we really meant to each other. The moment we all came together. Good! Farkle, Canada? Farkle: Our greatest allies are the people right next to us. Lucas... Lucas: I think I was the most changed by these people. I know that whatever I'm feeling, I can just tell my friends and everything would be okay. Riley: Will it? Lucas: I guess we'll see. Maya: I thought we stopped? Riley: I thought we were just friends. Lucas: We're not. We're no good at it. We can't even look at each other any more. I don't need any note cards now that we have different feelings now. And that's why your teacher was wrong. I can't hold you back from what you feel. Congratulations! You've all passed this test with flying colors. Farkle: What happens now? Now you graduate, Farkle. You walk out of here with everything you've learned... and you live life. You live it. You face whatever comes. This is going to be the greatest test of your friendship yet. Maya: Wow. I made it to high school. We're gonna need some good teachers, Matthews. Yeah. So... one last thing: How will the school remember you? Lucas: I have an idea. Maya: What's our prank? Riley: I have an idea. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. John Quincy Adams Middle School - Corridor - day ] [SCENE_BREAK] Riley: And that concludes our tour of the big, bad John Quincy Adams Middle School. Maya: Not so scary, right? Lucas: You guys are gonna do great here. Maya: There's one more thing before you guys go. Lucas: We wanted to give you something from our class to yours. Riley: We think one of the greatest legacies in life is friendship. Lucas: And no matter what happens in your new school, friends should always have a place where they can sit, and talk, and work things out. Because sometimes, life throws you all up and knots people together for a reason. Is that what you were feeling? What's that? (audience laugh) Riley: I think everybody should leave their mark. Maya: We work very well together. (Plaque on the bench reads): THIS FRIENDSHIP BENCH dedicated by Riley, Maya, Lucas, Farkle and Zay PEOPLE CHANGE PEOPLE ♪ We got time, got time ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. John Quincy Adams Middle School - night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Katy Hart: Congratulations, baby girl, you are now the most educated person in our family. Maya: Mom! You didn't graduate middle school? Here you go. Katy Hart: OK, it was a joke. (audience laugh) I am a high school graduate, with three days college under my belt, and if I hadn't taken neurobiology, perhaps I'd still be there, so take classes you understand, honey. (audience laugh) Congratulations, Farkle, only four more years 'til Princeton. Farkle: I wanna go wherever my friends go. C'mere. Look at this place! Different view than when we were growing up. I'm glad you're here with us, Zay. So, how was the Formal? Vanessa likes me better now than when I lived there. Now she's always missin' me 'cause I'm gone... You know, I got this whole love thing figured out. Don't be there. (audience laugh) Got this impossible choice to make right now. You know what you should do? What? Don't be there. (audience laugh) But I wanna be there. Well, then you deserve what you get. (audience laugh) What's it gonna be? You got two great people, one follows the rules, one likes to break 'em... Yeah. One very blonde. One very brunette. Yup. Gotta choose, man. I know! So, who do you like better? Me or Farkle? (audience laugh) Ha-ha-ha-ho. Congratulations Riley, you did it! Mmm... I had help. You would've been fine without me. I don't really see it that way, Dad. None of us do. Thank you for teaching my daugher so well. My pleasure. I don't think Farkle would have reached his full potential without you, Cory. Thanks Minkus. He had a lot to live up to. Thanks. That's why we want to see that he does! Of course he will. I don't really think you understand, Dad. What? Their class prank. Oh, you haven't hear about that? Nooo. What'd they do? Well, we started talking about legacy... About what we left behind... And what we don't want to leave behind... What we wanted to take with us... This is good! We stole something from school. You what?! This is good. (audience laugh) Well, put it back! Nope. It's ours now. We captured the real John Quincy Adams Mascot and we're taking it home with us. What did you guys do? We stole you! I told you this was good. (audience laugh) What are you talkin' about? I called up Uncle Jonathan and I told him that you had a lot more to teach us. She got you promoted, Daddy! Of course, the superintendent of schools didn't want to move teachers around for only one student, so there would have to be a lot of other people who thought you knew what you were doing. So, the parents put together a little petiton, got some signatures, and we presented it to him. I was very convincing. (audience laugh) How many parents? All of 'em. We want our children to have the best. You're going to high school, Cory... again! (audience laugh) We get to stay together. You said that you had a lot more to teach us... and now you can! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Apartment - night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Riley: Still like him? Maya: Yeah. You? Riley: Yeah. Maya: OK. I'll check again tomorrow. (audience laugh) Lucas: Any change? Riley: No. I've felt the same way about you ever since I fell into your lap on the subway. Lucas: You? (looks at Maya) Maya: There was this camp fire, y'see... You and me, I was in a far away place, there was a million stars in the sky... What do you think? Lucas: I think I don't want anybody to be hurt. Riley: I think we don't know how to stop that. [SCENE_BREAK] Maya: Still like him? Riley: Yeah. You? [SCENE_BREAK] Maya: Yeah. (audience laugh) Maya: Still like-- Lucas: Yeah. Riley: OK.
doc_19
MAWDRYN UNDEAD BY: PETER GRIMWADE Part One First Air Date: 1 February 1983 Running time: 24:03 [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: A 1929 Humber 16/50 open tourer, Imperial model. Do you realise this car has the same chassis as the three and a half litre Humber Super Snipe? TURLOUGH: Crude, heavy and inefficient. IBBOTSON: This car is a classic, Turlough. TURLOUGH: It's dull and fat and ugly. Just like you, Hippo. IBBOTSON: Turlough! TURLOUGH: We're going for a ride. IBBOTSON: You can't drive the car! TURLOUGH: Watch me. IBBOTSON: We'll be caught. TURLOUGH: Who will know? IBBOTSON: Oh, Turlough, we can't. TURLOUGH: Oh, come on, Hippo. Just to the end of the drive and back. You're not afraid, are you? Come on. IBBOTSON: Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Hey, you said just to the end of the drive. But you haven't got a license, Turlough. TURLOUGH: So, who needs one? IBBOTSON: Oh, go back to the school, please. Oh Turlough, slow down, please. You're on the wrong side of the road, Turlough! TURLOUGH: This car's a classic. Isn't that what you said, Hippo? IBBOTSON: Look out! [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Who are you? GUARDIAN: A friend. TURLOUGH: What is this place? GUARDIAN: There's no need to be afraid. TURLOUGH: Then tell me who you are. GUARDIAN: Your guardian. One who has your interests at heart. TURLOUGH: Am I dead? GUARDIAN: Merely sleeping. TURLOUGH: I don't think I'd really care if I were. I hate Earth. GUARDIAN: You would like to leave? TURLOUGH: Is it possible? GUARDIAN: All things are possible. TURLOUGH: Then get me away from here, please. GUARDIAN: But first, we should have to discuss terms. [SCENE_BREAK] RUNCIMAN: He'll be all right. No bones broken. Just a slight concussion. HEADMASTER: It's a wonder they weren't both killed. What's the damage at your end, Brigadier? BRIGADIER: Eh? In thirty years of soldiering, I've never encountered such destructive power as I have seen displayed here and now by the British schoolboy. Well, how is he? RUNCIMAN: He's been lucky, He'll be all right. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN: We haven't much longer. I need to know that I have your assent to our arrangement. You will find me the most accommodating of partners. TURLOUGH: But murder. I'm not sure I could go that far. GUARDIAN: You will be destroying one of the most evil creatures in the universe. He calls himself the Doctor. TURLOUGH: Why can't you destroy him? You have the powers. GUARDIAN: I may not be seen to act in this. I must not be involved. TURLOUGH: I need time to think. GUARDIAN: There is no time. Yes or no? TURLOUGH: Don't send me back to Earth, please. GUARDIAN: Yes or no? TURLOUGH: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] RUNCIMAN: He's coming round. BRIGADIER: Steady on, old chap. You had a bit of a knock. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Doctor? I am free of the Mara, aren't I? DOCTOR: Tegan, Tegan, Tegan. TEGAN: I'm scared. DOCTOR: There isn't any need to be. TEGAN: I'm still having terrible dreams. DOCTOR: It's your mind's way of coping with the experience. You've suffered a great deal. TEGAN: That could have been prevented if that Dojjen person had destroyed the Great Crystal. DOCTOR: No, he couldn't. The Mara during the process of its becoming. It had to be trapped between modes of its being. TEGAN: The feelings of hate. Doctor, I couldn't go through it again. DOCTOR: Well, you're completely free of it now, Tegan. For you, the Mara is dead forever. NYSSA: For all of us, I hope. DOCTOR: Indeed. TEGAN: Can you take me back to Earth? NYSSA: You want to leave us? TEGAN: I want to rest. I want to be surrounded by familiar things. NYSSA: You'll forget the Mara, Tegan. It won't always be as painful as it is now. DOCTOR: Warp ellipse cut out? NYSSA: Can't be. That would mean we were near an object in a fixed orbit in time as well as space. DOCTOR: And what's the probability of that? NYSSA: Several billion to one against. TEGAN: Are you trying to scare me, or is this your way of telling me we've broken down again? DOCTOR: I'm afraid it's much more serious than that. [SCENE_BREAK] MATRON: Right, into bed with you, young man. TURLOUGH: Oh, Matron, I'm perfectly all right. MATRON: Mild concussion and shock. You heard what Doctor Runciman said. We don't want complications, do we? TURLOUGH: I'm not going to bed. MATRON: Just this once you can do as you're told. You're in enough hot water already. TURLOUGH: Matron, where did this come from? MATRON: It was in your jacket, and that was in a fine old mess, I don't mind telling you. MATRON: Good afternoon, Headmaster. HEADMASTER: Is it, I wonder. Well, Turlough, how are you feeling? TURLOUGH: Much better, thank you, sir. HEADMASTER: Which is more than the Brigadier can say for his car. I don't understand you. You make no effort at games, you refuse to join the CCF, you do little or no work in class though you have a first-rate mind, and now this. TURLOUGH: I wasn't driving, you know, sir. HEADMASTER: What? TURLOUGH: The Brigadier's car. HEADMASTER: But Ibbotson said TURLOUGH: I didn't want Ibbotson to get into trouble, sir. I only went along in case he got hurt. I knew he wasn't really able to drive it, and, well HEADMASTER: I see. MATRON: Ahem. Turlough must get some sleep, Headmaster. HEADMASTER: Of course, Matron. I'll look in again later. TURLOUGH: So you are real. I thought it was just a dream. GUARDIAN (OOV.): Waking or sleeping, I shall be with you until our business is concluded. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Are we safe? DOCTOR: There's a chance something's on a collision course with the TARDIS. TEGAN: Don't you know? DOCTOR: Well, there's a chance of anything. Statistically speaking, if you gave typewriters to a tree full of monkeys, they'd eventually produce the works of William Shakespeare. NYSSA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Now, you and I know that at the end of the millennium they'd still be tapping out gibberish. DOCTOR: And you'd be tapping it out right along side them. I only asked you a simple question. NYSSA: Doctor, something's coming straight for us! NYSSA: We've got to get out of the way. DOCTOR: We can't. We've converged with the warp ellipse. NYSSA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Hold this steady. TEGAN: We're going to crash. DOCTOR: I'll try and materialise on board the ship. Hold tight! [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Why am I still on Earth? GUARDIAN: Patience, Turlough. Already the elements of chance are ranged against the Doctor. Soon he will be separated from the TARDIS and in your power. Go to the hill, boy, to the obelisk, and wait. There I will instruct you further. [SCENE_BREAK] HEADMASTER (OOV.): You realise, Ibbotson, what you did is a criminal offence. If it weren't for the good name of the school, I'd hand you both over to the police. HEADMASTER (OOV.): I shall be writing to your parents, needless to say. BRIGADIER: Ahem. BRIGADIER: Ah, Ibbotson. And what have you got to say for yourself? IBBOTSON: Please, sir, I'm very sorry, sir, but it wasn't my fault, honestly. I'm really sorry, sir. BRIGADIER: Ah, Headmaster. I trust you flogged that young man within an inch of his life? HEADMASTER: Thank you, Brigadier, but I feel that we should wait until Turlough is restored to health before we take any legal or disciplinary action. BRIGADIER: You realise that car was unique? HEADMASTER: Quite, but I feel sure that you will agree that we must do what is best for the school. BRIGADIER: Yes, well. Oh, if you say so, Headmaster. Mind, you can't really take it out on Ibbotson. It's my view that he was led into this by Turlough. Oh, we've got a rotten one there. HEADMASTER: I'm not so sure. I had a word with Turlough. He said he only went along to protect Ibbotson. BRIGADIER: Pah. Cunning as a fox. You don't believe him, of course. HEADMASTER: I don't know. I'd be reluctant to jeopardise the boy's future. BRIGADIER: Have you spoken to his parents? HEADMASTER: I thought you knew. They're dead. I deal with a solicitor in London, and a very strange man he is, too. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Are you awake, Turlough? TURLOUGH: What do you want? IBBOTSON: Listen, the Head's going to write to my parents. The police may be called into investigate. We could be expelled. TURLOUGH: It's all right, Hippo. I've spoken to the Head. I told him it was all my fault. IBBOTSON: I say, did you really, Turlough? TURLOUGH: So you won't get the boot, just beaten, I expect. IBBOTSON: Oh. Well, they'll beat you when you're better. TURLOUGH: Oh no, they won't. IBBOTSON: Hey, you can't get up until Doctor Runciman says so. TURLOUGH: Goodbye, Hippo. IBBOTSON: Oh, Turlough, you can't leave me on my own! Oh please, Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Strange ship. NYSSA: No sign of any passengers. TEGAN: Probably having cocktails with the Captain. NYSSA: What? TEGAN: Well, I mean it's more like the Queen Mary than a spaceship. TEGAN: I take it back. It's not the Queen Mary, it's the Marie Celeste. You'd think on a long journey they'd want something a little more cheerful. NYSSA: Everything on this ship is designed for pleasure. DOCTOR: I have a weird feeling the warp ellipse will be travelling for a very long time. Possibly through infinity. NYSSA: Well, it's certainly no prison ship. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Where are we going? TURLOUGH: Don't ask questions. (quietly) What am I supposed to do? IBBOTSON: Oh, Turlough, what's happening? Who are you talking to? IBBOTSON: Oh, wait for me. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Could you fly this thing, Doctor? NYSSA: You don't fly a ship like this, it's in perpetual orbit. DOCTOR: Amazing. NYSSA: Doctor? DOCTOR: There's a length of flight indicator. This ship's been in orbit three thousand years. TEGAN: No wonder there's no one on board. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Now what? TURLOUGH: We wait. GUARDIAN (OOV.): The base of the urn. Press it. Release the camouflage screen protecting the capsule. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Doctor, look at this. DOCTOR: Mmm. Transmat terminal. NYSSA: And in the transmit mode. TEGAN: The crew escaped in a life raft? DOCTOR: Well, someone certainly left the ship, almost six years ago. TEGAN: Where to? DOCTOR: Earth. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: What is it? TURLOUGH: A transmat capsule. Don't you know anything? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The ship's orbit takes it within range of Earth for six years. TEGAN: Someone might come back. DOCTOR: Any time. Come on, let's get back to the TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Keep back! IBBOTSON: Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN (OOV.): The controls of the vessel are of no interest to you, Turlough. TURLOUGH: But it's a ship! I can get home! GUARDIAN (OOV.): I did not bring you here so that you could return home. Your concern is with the Doctor. GUARDIAN: You will obey me in all things. TURLOUGH: Let me go. GUARDIAN: Remember the agreement between us. TURLOUGH: Yes. GUARDIAN: You will seek out the Doctor and destroy him. TURLOUGH: Of course. I will seek out the Doctor and destroy him. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Sir! Sir! IBBOTSON: It's Turlough, sir. BRIGADIER: What? IBBOTSON: We were on the hill, sir, and there was this great big silver ball, and Turlough went inside and disappeared. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Now what? DOCTOR: The TARDIS won't dematerialise. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: If you took more regular exercise, Ibbotson, not only would your body be less disgusting, but you'd enjoy a healthier imagination. IBBOTSON: I didn't imagine it, sir. BRIGADIER: Take it from me, boy, a solid object just can't dematerialise. Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What's happening? DOCTOR: I wonder. DOCTOR: I might have known. NYSSA: Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Where are you going? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The transmat beam, it's been operated. The signal is interfering with the TARDIS. NYSSA: Look. It must have just returned. TEGAN: Well, how is the transmat signal jamming us? DOCTOR: Well, the capsule and the TARDIS must be dimensionally very similar, and the beam's still functioning. It's supposed to cut out when the capsule completes its journey. TEGAN: Well, can you switch it off? DOCTOR: I hope so. TEGAN: I hope so too. I don't fancy a non-stop mystery tour of the galaxy. DOCTOR: Ah. NYSSA: You found the fault? DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking. It's on Earth. TEGAN: Earth? DOCTOR: If these readings are correct, it's 1983 on Earth. TEGAN: So? DOCTOR: Well, the capsule originally left the ship six years ago. TEGAN: 1977. DOCTOR: Yes. I wonder what it's been up to all that time. Come on, back to the TARDIS. TEGAN: Doctor, wait. NYSSA: What's the matter? TEGAN: Well, if that thing's back, then someone could be on board the ship. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Who are you? [SCENE_BREAK] HEADMASTER: Turlough again. MATRON: I'm sorry, Headmaster, but he was missing when I came in with Doctor Runciman. And there's no sign of Ibbotson either. HEADMASTER: I must talk to the Brigadier. MATRON: I sent a boy round to his quarters, but the Brigadier's disappeared too. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: This is Turlough. TEGAN: Where did you come from? DOCTOR: The transmat capsule. TEGAN: Earth? TURLOUGH: The capsule just appeared. It was very strange. NYSSA: And you just walked in? DOCTOR: Seven, eight. All set. NYSSA: Where are you going? DOCTOR: Earth, via the transmat capsule. TEGAN: Is it safe? DOCTOR: Well, it worked one way. Once I've disconnected the beam jamming the TARDIS, you should follow me through to Earth. TURLOUGH: May I come with you? DOCTOR: You'll be safer in the TARDIS. TURLOUGH: Please? DOCTOR: All right, why not. See you on Earth. NYSSA: Good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It's a pity those things don't have a wider range. Still, at least we're here in one piece. Transmat capsules can do very nasty things to organic structures if they're not properly maintained. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: I don't trust that boy. NYSSA: Oh, I don't know. I thought he was rather nice. TEGAN: Nobody from Earth is just going to walk into a transmat capsule. NYSSA: As you did into the TARDIS on the Barnet bypass? [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN: In the name of all that is evil, the Black Guardian orders you to destroy him now! GUARDIAN: Now, boy. Do it now!
doc_20
"The Baby in the Bough" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: Freeway stock. Night. Booth's Car exterior. Booth's Car interior. BOOTH is driving.) BRENNAN: What do you know about the Cayman Islands? BOOTH: Great diving, you know? Lots of sea turtles. Why? Are you going? BRENNAN: No. My accountant wants me to set up a tax shelter there. BOOTH: Tax shelter?! Exactly how loaded are you? BRENNAN: (indignantly) That is an offensive way to phrase the question. (she pauses, and mumbles) Quite loaded. I'm betting on a seven figure advance for my next book. BOOTH: Seven figures. Wow. With-without the decimal point? BRENNAN: (defensively) The publishers make considerably more. BOOTH: What's the first of those seven figures? BRENNAN: A prime number. What do you do with your money? BOOTH: I use it for food and rent. (Cut to Booth's Car exterior on freeway.) (Cut to: firemen and emergency workers grouped around a crash site in Pendleton. There are fire trucks, police cars and an ambulance. A sports car has run off the road. The area is muddy and wooded. It is night and the site is lit with floodlights on stands. The firemen are packing up hoses and calling to each other as they work. SHERIFF DELPY, BOOTH and BRENNAN walk into shot.) FIREMAN: (in background) Hey, this is all done get over to- BOOTH: (to DELPY) Hey. What have we got here? DELPY: You Agent Booth? BOOTH: (shaking his hand) Special Agent Booth. How you doing? DELPY: Sheriff Delpy. BOOTH: This here's my partner- BRENNAN: I can introduce myself. Doctor Temperance Brennan. BOOTH: Somebody ran the car off the road? DELPY: Yeah. Well, it makes it impossible to get any traceable tire marks. (BRENNAN approaches the victim, who is a burned husk still seated in the driver seat of the open top car.) BRENNAN: The victim was doused with gasoline and then set on fire. DELPY: Farmer three miles away saw the smoke, called it in. Brennan: Female. Probably in her early twenties. Preauricula sulcus on the iliac. She's given birth. BOOTH: Ran off the side of the road, set on fire... Somebody wanted her dead. DELPY: Well that's why I need your help. I only got six deputies covered four hundred square miles. We're stretched thinner than plastic wrap. BRENNAN: Compound fractures to the right tibia and fibula. (BOOTH opens the hood of the car and notices a diaper bag in the back seat.) Crushed manubrium; massive skull trauma. (BABY ANDY cries and BOOTH looks up quickly as BRENNAN continues her examination) I'm not certain yet whether she died in the accident or the fire- BOOTH: Ssssh! You hear that? (The SHERIFF and BRENNAN listen) Everybody! Keep quiet! Stop workin'! (To Brennan) Did you hear that? BRENNAN: Sounds like a cat. (They all look around.) BOOTH: A baby. (He looks up. The camera looks down on BOOTH and BRENNAN from the treetops. Pan across to reveal BABY ANDY in a car-seat, lodged in the branches. DELPY: Holy crap. BOOTH: Get a ladder down here now! FIREMAN: All right, let's move! (Cut to DELPY and EMERGENCY WORKER holding BABY ANDY as they walk alongside the emergency vehicles to BOOTH and BRENNAN) DELPY: There's not even a scratch on the boy. It's a miracle. BRENNAN: Well, hardly! Car-seats are specifically engineered to protect the child. BOOTH: From what? Flying out the back of a car and landing in a tree? (BABY ANDY squawks) Oh, look at him, Bones. He looks a little fussy there. Why don't you pick him up and give him a cuddle? BRENNAN: What? Just because I have breasts doesn't mean that I have magical powers over infants. You're the one with the son. BOOTH: All right, fine. I'll take him. Here you go. (He hands her the diaper bag.) You have fun with the diaper bag. You look good. (he takes BABY ANDY) Come on, little man! Whoa-ho. Hi! Why don't you say hi to your grumpy old Auntie Bones. BRENNAN: No! I am not grumpy! (To the SHERIFF) The-the vinyl seat melted and fused to the body so we need that brought back to the Jeffersonian. And the driver's door for particulate evidence. DELPY: (Sniffing) The kid smells a little ripe. Might want to take care of that. BOOTH: Ye-eah. (He sighs) Okay, Bones, I'm gonna have to change him. Just hold on to him here (holding BABY ANDY out for Bones to take). Here you go. Here you go. Okay? Got him? BRENNAN: What? Oh! Woah! Arrrgh. BOOTH: Okay. Here we go. (Taking off his suit jacket) We'll work together on this one. (He lays his suit jacket on the wide back step of a fire truck) Changin' Diapers 101. ( BRENNAN passes him BABY ANDY) Here we go. Here we go, little big man. Okay. watch your-Here. Right here. Look at that. All right. Get me a diaper there, Bones. BRENNAN: Right. There you go. BOOTH: Thanks. Baby powder. BRENNAN: You know, Booth, I have better things to do with my time. (She looks through the bag) There's no powder. BOOTH: No powder? BRENNAN: Yeah. Hey. Wait a minute. (She pulls a key from the bag and shows it to BOOTH.) BOOTH: Where'd that come from? BRENNAN: There's a rip in the lining of the bag. Seems like someone was trying to hide it. BOOTH: Okay. I'll get an evidence bag and I'll ask EMT if they have any baby powder. Just watch him. (He jogs away.) BRENNAN: Wait. Wait. Wait! Booth. There's a baby! I don't feel comforta-. (She trails off, exasperated. BABY ANDY gurgles.) Coochie-coo? (BABY ANDY cries.) Oh! No no! No need to fuss! Obviously something is upsetting you. Children have toys; you must have some. Let me see. (She rummages in the bag, retrieving a purple stuffed elephant.) You know, elephants are not purple. This is wrong. ( BABY ANDY cries. BRENNAN sighs). Hey, look at that: he flipped over! BOOTH: Bones! That's because you gotta *watch* him. Jeez. Woah. Okay, look, little big man. If you're gonna be in my jacket, we gotta get you out of that diaper. Woah. Okay, where's the key? BRENNAN: I put it on your jacket. BOOTH: Next to the baby? BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH: Are you crazy? Do you know that babies put everything in their mouth, Bones? He could have swallowed the key! It's so dangerous. All right. Okay. ( He picks up the BABY ANDY whilst BRENNAN looks for the key) Shh shh shh shh. The *key*, Bones. look for the key. BRENNAN: It's not here. Oh, no. He must've... swallowed it. BOOTH: (In synchrony) Swallowed it. (BABY ANDY cries.) Okay. (BOOTH hands BABY ANDY to BRENNAN) Here you go. Get used to him. BRENNAN: What do you mean? BOOTH: That key was evidence. You know how chain of custody works. That kid stays with us until we get the key back. (BRENNAN looks at him. BABY ANDY pees down her leg,) BRENNAN: Ugh. Argh. BOOTH: (Takes the still-peeing BABY ANDY.) Wooh. That's a stream. TITLES. ACT ONE. (Open: Medico-Legal-Lab. CAM, ANGELA and ZACK stand in a line looking down at something offscreen.) ANGELA: I have never seen anything so gorgeous on this table before. CAM: Or so alive! (Camera looks down from above at ZACK, ANGELA and CAM standing along one side of an examination table. BABY ANDY lies on it, laid on a piece of cloth and burbling happily.) ZACK: Why is Doctor Brennan the official custodian? ANGELA: She's registered as a foster parent. Russ asked her to do it after he began his prison term. CAM: Russ wants to make sure his step-daughters are taken care of if anything happens to Amy. ZACK: Prodigious saliva production. HODGINS: (Walking into shot carrying a security swipe-wand metal detector.) Okay. Now we can determine if the little guy really *did* swallow the key, or if he has been falsely accused. (HODGINS passes the wand over BABY ANDY. The wand squeals as it passes over BABY ANDY's abdomen.) CAM: Well, unless he's already had a hip replacement, it sounds like there's a key in there. ANGELA: He liked it! Do it again. (HODGINS wiggles the wand over BABY ANDY, who chuckles and squirms.) BRENNAN: What are you doing? HODGINS: (Grinning) We were just- (He sees BRENNAN'S expression and becomes serious.) We verified that the baby did indeed swallow the key. BRENNAN: Then you should X-Ray him to get a clean view. He's not a plaything. (To Zack.) And you're supposed to be examining the victim. ANGELA: We thought it would be bad form to examine the remains in front of the baby. You know, creepy formative memory? BRENNAN: Then would you mind taking him for a little while so that we can work? ANGELA: I'd love to. (She gathers up BABY ANDY, smiling. ANGELA looks at HODGINS. who laughs indulgently.) Get used to it. I want, like, a million of these. HODGINS: Cool. (Angela carries BABY ANDY away. HODGINS to CAM) What do you think she meant by "a million"? Two? (Scene: Booth's Office. BOOTH is looking through some photographs. AGENT CHARLIE BURNS knocks on his door. CHARLIE: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? CHARLIE: Got a hit on your burned car. It was registered to a dead guy. BOOTH: A dead woman driving a dead man's car. CHARLIE: Plates expired five years ago. Dead guy's family said they sold the car for scrap to a junkyard in Seneca Rocks, West Virginia. BOOTH: Let me guess: junkyard guy sells off the old heaps to people who wanna get off the grid. CHARLIE: He used to. Operation got shut down two years ago. No one's seen him since. BOOTH: Let me know if forensics finds anything to help Bones id. the remains. CHARLIE: (Nods.) Is it true that Doctor Brennan's taking care of the baby? Because that's something I'd pay to see. BOOTH: (Studying his photographs.) Goodbye, Charlie. (Medico-Legal Lab-forensics platform.) ZACK: The victim exhibits enlarged hypertrophic lesions and multiple muscle attachments. BRENNAN: The result of strenuous activity, most likely occupational. CAM: The ligamenta flava shows evidence of whiplash. All the para-mortem injuries are consistent with vehicular trauma. She was dead prior to immolation. BRENNAN: Zack, grind some bones so Hodgins can perform an isotope analysis. We might be able to figure out where she lived. ANGELA: (Walking in to the room) Junior made us a little present. BRENNAN: The key. Finally. ANGELA: Not yet. This is just the usual present, but with one major difference. (Angela opens the diaper she is holding to show a pink-soaked seat.) ZACK: I assume pink isn't a normal color for this type of thing. CAM: Does yours ever look pink? ZACK: No, but I'm not an infant. BRENNAN: Where is the baby? ANGELA: Asleep in your office. I was gonna start the facial reconstruction, so... BRENNAN: He's my charge; I'll sit with him. CAM: (Picking up the diaper.) Let me run some tests. See what I can find. ZACK: Actually, one time when I was visiting my cousins, we ate a lot of beets, and the next day- CAM: Zack, really. Too much sharing. (Cut to BRENNAN and BOOTH walking around the Medico-Legal Lab Floor) BOOTH: You know, you look very mom-like with that baby monitor. BRENNAN: I have a responsibility under state law as a foster parent. I've already bought him toys and clothes. BOOTH: Ah, so you've bought him some clothes? BRENNAN: Well, I sent an intern, who apparently loves bears, which in reality would devour a small child. (BRENNAN and BOOTH round the corner to meet HODGINS at the base of the Forensics Platform) HODGINS: I tested the ground bone for strontium. BRENNAN: Strontium is an element found in most rocks. HODGINS: Human beings absorb it through the consumption of local vegetation and water. (He brings up a map on his computer) Over time, the isotope collects in the bones, meaning- BOOTH: You could use it to figure out where someone's from. (BRENNAN and HODGINS look at BOOTH in surprise.) That is right, people. I am a constant surprise. (The baby monitor transmits BABY ANDY whimpering.) BRENNAN: I don't understand. He's been fed; he's changed; I patted him, and now he's just...complaining. BOOTH: He's acting like a real baby. HODGINS: The victim was from northern West Virginia. Tucker County to be more precise. BRENNAN: Well, are you sure she's from Tucker County? The crash was in Pendleton. HODGINS: Very sure. Particulate matter collected from the salvaged area of the car contained guano from a Corynorhinus townsendii virginianus. BRENNAN: So we know where to look. (She stares at the baby monitor, which is still transmitting BABY ANDY's cries). BOOTH: Are you gonna get him? BRENNAN: I figured you'd get him. BOOTH: Don't you have a "responsibility under state law"? BRENNAN: But you're the baby daddy. BOOTH: Baby daddy?! BRENNAN: You have prior experience with pre-verbal infancy. BOOTH: You can be the daddy mommy. ANGELA: (Enters, with BABY ANDY) Okay, you two had better get your act together or I'm suing for custody. (ANGELA hands BRENNAN a head shot of a young white woman with dark brown hair.) This is my rendering of the victim. BRENNAN: Numerous genetic similarities. Cam's running DNA tests to be sure, but I'm comfortable with the assessment that this was the child's mother. BOOTH: He misses his mother. He's sad. (BRENNAN takes BABY ANDY) BRENNAN: We need to go to Tucker County. (Fade to Booth's Car. Huntsville, Tucker County.) BOOTH: The last coal mine closed about eight years ago. This place is a ghost town. BRENNAN: The local economy was devastated. BOOTH: Yeah. That could be why our victim was driving a junker. She couldn't afford registration, insurance... You know, I don't wanna sound insensitive here, but I'm telling you: real estate? It's gotta be a steal. I mean, you could build yourself a beautiful house on the river. I could come out and fish. You could put in one of those media rooms. You know, I saw a one hundred and three inch flat-screen TV- BRENNAN: I don't need another residence, Booth. BOOTH: Just, you know, tryin' to give you a little financial advice. (BRENNAN looks at BABY ANDY in the back seat.) BRENNAN: He seems so peaceful. He has no idea that he's all alone. BOOTH: Well, maybe that wasn't his mom. Maybe there's a dad. BRENNAN: No-one filed a report, Booth. No-one's worried about him. BOOTH: Yeah, well, you are. (They share a look. BRENNAN looks out her window and sees a man working in the front yard of a dilapidated house on the otherwise deserted street.) BRENNAN: There's someone. (BOOTH pulls over.) PAUL: You people are from the government? BOOTH: Yes, sir. With the FBI. PAUL: (Nods toward to BABY ANDY) Ah. Training them up young, I see. BOOTH: If you could just... help us. PAUL: Right. Just like the government helped us when the bridge washed out. When they closed the school. BRENNAN: Well, the business and industry left the area. The local tax base is non-existent. The government can't be expected to provide services without the fiscal means to do so. PAUL: What'd she say? Are you from France or somewhere? (BOOTH chuckles) BRENNAN: Economies live and die just like any organism. When they expire, the logical thing to do is to move. PAUL: This land is part of me. I've lived here all my life, my father before me, his father..! DOROTHY: Paul. Who're you hollering at now? PAUL: They're from the government. DOROTHY: (Seeing BABY ANDY) Oh my god! You have no right. No right at all! Taking people's children away? BOOTH: (Moving to cover BABY ANDY) Hey, hey! DOROTHY: You should be ashamed. That girl does the best she can to provide for Andy. BOOTH: Andy? Do you know this baby? DOROTHY: (suspiciously) Yeah. Folks up the street? Carol and Jimmy Grant? They take care of him when his mom works. BOOTH: (Shows her the head shot.) Is that his mother? DOROTHY: Looks like her. But you should check with the Grants. What's goin' on? Has something happened? (Cut to THE GRANTS, interior. BOOTH is showing the head shot to CAROL GRANT) CAROL: Yeah, that's Meg. Meg Taylor. We all went to high school together: me and Jimmy and Meg, and Meg's husband, Lou. JIMMY: Back when we had a high school. BOOTH: Meg's husband, does he still live around here? JIMMY: Uh, I've not seen him lately. Not that I'd want to. He's in and out of jail, does anything for a drink, left Meg before Andy was born. CAROL: I'm not sure he's laid eyes on Andy more'n twice. JIMMY: Meg worked herself to the bone for this boy. CAROL: We couldn't have one of our own so we were real happy to help Meg out. JIMMY: Meg would have to, heh, pry her away from him at the end of the day. BRENNAN: Where did she work? CAROL: Ah, Fallbrook Rubber? They recycle tires. JIMMY: They turn them into ground coverings, you know, for playgrounds and such. It's one of the only places left around here to work. BOOTH: And how about the two of you. You're both currently, what, unemployed? JIMMY: No, uh, I work part-time, looking after some of the buildings they shut down. CAROL: Jimmy used to teach high school and I did some project management, mostly for construction, but now... We do what we can. JIMMY: This town used to be something. I mean, we were on the scenic route. You know, people would come to visit. It wasn't all coal. CAROL: What'll happen to Andy, because we can watch him. BOOTH: He's gonna have to stay with us for now. Tell me where Meg lived? (Huntsville: A denim-clad man is leaning in the doorway of a decrepit building. A sign swings above his head. The windows are boarded over. Booth's Car drives past and we hear BRENNAN talking.) BRENNAN: Looks like everything's closed down around here. BOOTH: Yeah, probably lost all its customers. With no bridge, the highway routes all the traffic away from the town- (BRENNAN'S phone rings.) BRENNAN: Brennan. CAM: Got the scoop on the poop. (Cut to Medico-Legal Lab: ZACK in the foreground; CAM in the background talking on the phone.) CAM: It was pharmaceutical dye used to color the phenobarbital that showed up on his tox. screen. BRENNAN: Andy had phenobarbital in his system? CAM: Oh, his name's Andy? Adorable. I had a dog named Andy. That came out wrong. ZACK: Why does he have phenobarbital in his system? CAM: It's often prescribed for seizures. ZACK: Perhaps the infant is epileptic. BOOTH: Hey! Don't say that. Andy's going to be just fine. CAM: Well, he was still breastfeeding, so there's a slight chance he ingested the drug that way but... the depth of color makes it unlikely. BRENNAN: We're on our way to check out his mother's home. I'll see if I can find a prescription bottle. (BOOTH and BRENNAN pull up at a trailer park by some train tracks.) BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: Nono no no no no no no no. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: No no no no. Look, the front door is open. You stay here. BRENNAN: But- BOOTH: Bones, there is a baby involved. If you hear gunfire, anything like that, drive away. BRENNAN: Bu-I'm not leaving you. BOOTH: Yes you will, because this is about the baby, not me. Promise me. BRENNAN: (Looks at the baby for a long moment.) I promise. (BOOTH approaches the trailer, weapon drawn. He cautiously enters to see LOU, a man with wild hair, ransacking the place. LOU looks up. BOOTH aims his weapon.) BOOTH: Okay. Easy. Both hands to the ceiling, nice and easy. Right there. (LOU makes a break for it and BOOTH detains him easily.) Yeah. Easy! God! (BOOTH handcuffs LOU.) You know, I asked you very nicely. BREAK (Trailer, exterior. Booth's Car, interior. BRENNAN and BABY ANDY are inside.) BRENNAN: We will find out what happened to your mother. I promise. You know, Booth is an excellent investigator and, I don't like to boast, but I am the best in my field. (BABY ANDY squalls) What do you want? Ah. How, how about some visual and auditory stimulation? Okay. Let's see. Um. (Trailer, interior, BOOTH is hustling LOU to the front door) LOU: I told you, I'm Meg's husband. I live here. BOOTH: If you live here, why'd you break the front lock? LOU: I didn't do it! Somebody else broke in. And when I saw it I thought I'd come in and check on Meg. BOOTH: Oh, so, you live here or came by to check on Meg? Which one is it? LOU: Ugh, all right now you're getting me all confused. BOOTH: Yeah, I bet. LOU: Look, Meg bails me out sometimes. If she can. And when I saw she wasn't here, I just figured I'd, you know, help myself. BOOTH: How often do you steal from your wife? LOU: It's not stealing. She likes to help me. BOOTH: Well, Meg's dead. She was killed. LOU: How? BOOTH: You seem shocked. LOU: Well, of course I am! BOOTH: Where were you last night? LOU: (Dazedly) Last night? (BOOTH claps his hands sharply in LOU's face) I don't remember. (Booth's Car, interior. BABY ANDY continues to cry. BRENNAN waggles her hands at him.) BRENNAN: Phalanges! Phalanges. Phalanges! Dancing phalanges. Dancing phalanges! Yeah-hah-hah. Booth thinks bones are dry and boring, but- show me your phalanges. (BABY ANDY wiggles his fingers.) BOOTH: (Walking a handcuffed LOU to car) Hey, Bones. Her husband, real genius, doesn't even remember where he was last night. BRENNAN: We've got your son in here. His mother's dead and now you're the only one- LOU: Oh, no no no no no. I never wanted to have a kid. She did it because she thought it would, uh, straighten me out, but I told her I couldn't handle a kid because I'm a free spirit? BOOTH: What you are is a drunk, Lou. (On radio) All right, dispatch. I need a forensics team and a car for a burglary suspect and a possible murderer- LOU: Woah! I didn't kill her! Why would I? She took care of me. (Medico-Legal Lab. Angela's Office.) ANGELA: I've determined an approximate size and shape for the key. CAM: Did you reference it against currently registered key patterns? ANGELA: Yeah, and the closest match is an old design used for safety deposit boxes in banks. I'm looking into banks near Huntsville that still use them. CAM: Most safety deposit keys are numerically coded. ANGELA: Well, we couldn't get a clear enough picture without exposing Andy to too much radiation. CAM: Okay. (She goes to leave. She stops and turns.) How many? Exactly? ANGELA: Excuse me? CAM: Kids. 'Cause a million seems a little impractical. ANGELA: I don't know. I kind of have a thing for chaos. I guess I'll stop when the Feds need to airlift me in supplies. CAM: (Laughs.) You don't by chance live in a shoe, do you? ANGELA: You don't want kids? CAM: Eh, screaming, crying, vomit...other bodily fluids. It's like a day around here. It's not worth giving up this body for that. (Cam departs, slinkily. Angela looks worried.) (Trailer, exterior. An FBI forensics team member carries out a box.) BOOTH: Ooh, let's see what you got here. (He rifles through the box.) Hey, Bones! Come on, the sweep's finished. It's all yours, come on. BRENNAN: The phenobarbital was prescribed to Andy from a clinic over fifty miles away. BOOTH: Yeah, that was probably the closest medical care they got. BRENNAN: It's an extremely harsh drug to give to a child. (BRENNAN looks around the trailer.) It's quite sweet: the pictures... She really loved him. BOOTH: (Pointing to a wall calendar.) Check this out. Somebody had a doctor's appointment in D.C. yesterday. Maybe that's where they were headed. BRENNAN: Okay, we'll need this prescription and Andy's medical records. BOOTH: Okay. I'll have 'em sent to the Jeffersonian. Because that's what we do. (BOOTH departs.) (Brennan's cellphone, nestled in BABY ANDY's car-seat, rings) BRENNAN: Brennan. (Medico-Legal Lab, Zack is examining the body.) ZACK: I made some discoveries regarding our victim. Is this a good time? (BABY ANDY clutches at BRENNAN'S necklace.) BRENNAN: No no no no no. ZACK: Oh-kay. (Zack hangs up.) BRENNAN: Zack? Hello? (BRENNAN dials.) (Medico-Legal Lab.) ZACK: Doctor Addy. BRENNAN: Uh, it's Doctor Brennan. ZACK: Oh. Is this a better time? BRENNAN: (To BABY ANDY, who is again clutching at her jewelry) No no no. ZACK: Then why'd you call back?! BRENNAN: I wasn't speaking with you, Zack. ZACK: I believe you are. BRENNAN: I was saying no to Andy. He was grabbing my necklace. (Quietly, giving the necklace to BABY ANDY) Here you go. You were saying? ZACK: Our victim had healed compression fractures in her L1 and L2 vertebrae. BRENNAN: From a traumatic injury? ZACK: No. Malnourishment. She also has some minor deformities, including a slight bowing of the legs and bony outgrowths at a number of muscle attachments. BRENNAN: Do you know if Cam found any painkillers in Andy's tox. screen? ZACK: No. Just the phenobarbital. (Trailer exterior. BRENNAN carries BABY ANDY to Booth's Car.) BOOTH: First the key, now jewelry. What's next? Are you gonna let him play with a bowling ball? BRENNAN: What? I'm watching him! BRENNAN: Meg had a number of bone conditions that would have caused chronic pain but she wasn't taking any pain medication. BOOTH: (Handing BRENNAN her necklace) Here. It was probably because she didn't want it affecting her, you know, her supply. BRENNAN: What, you mean her breast milk? You know, you can say the word "breast", Booth. BOOTH: Yeah, I know, Bones. BRENNAN: Well, didn't Rebecca breastfeed Parker? BOOTH: I am not. You know... (BOOTH gets in the car and waits for BRENNAN to close her door. He lowers his voice.) I am not discussing that with you. BRENNAN: Would teat make you more comfortable? BOOTH: I am not talking teats with you! BRENNAN: Why not? BOOTH: Enough! (He blows a breath out.) So our victim wasn't taking any painkillers. BRENNAN: No, but her occupational markers in her lateral upper condyle and lower discs suggest that her job requires manual labor. Her pain might have been excruciating. BOOTH: Probably had no choice. I mean, jobs around here are pretty scarce. All right, what do you say we go talk to her boss? BRENNAN: Were you breastfed? I was. (Interior. Fallbrook Rubber, tire recycling plant. CHIP BARNETT talks to BOOTH and BRENNAN while TERRY, RICH, and other plant workers stack tires in the background) CHIP: What, uh, yesterday was her day off, and when she was late today I just...god-I mean- Who did it? What happened? BOOTH: We're not sure yet, Mr Barnett. How long have you been the manager of this plant? CHIP: Three years now. It's the only real business left around here. BRENNAN: Since Meg's job involved a lot of physical labor, were you aware of her spinal condition? CHIP: The pain, you mean? Yeah, I saw it. I offered to put her on disability. She said she and the baby couldn't get by on that. She was tougher than half the guys here. (He looks on BABY ANDY.) Poor little bug. I got five kids myself. I can't. I can't imagine... BOOTH: Any reason to think Meg was in trouble? CHIP: Nah. I was her boss. She didn't confide in me. TERRY: How about that husband of hers? He was trash on a cracker if I've ever seen it. CHIP: Yeah, they weren't even livin' together any more. RICH: Doesn't mean he ain't jealous. Maybe someone told him about Shepard. BRENNAN: Who's Shepard? CHIP: Dave Shepard. Some accountant from corporate headquarters in D.C. He was here for a week. Left a few days ago. RICH: He was here to cut costs. We've all heard that before. TERRY: Goodbye, jobs. BRENNAN: Was there anything between Meg and Shepard? CHIP: The guy was kinda slimy. You know: offering to buy her sodas, asking about her kid, all the time looking at her... you know. BRENNAN: Breasts? BOOTH: Did Meg return the attention? RICH: He's from the city, had money. After her deadbeat of a husband you can't fault her for wanting a good meal. TERRY: The only guy Meg really cared about is right there. (Indicates BABY ANDY) She woulda done anything for this kid. [SCENE_BREAK] (Tire plant, exterior. Camera looks down on BRENNAN and BOOTH as they carry BABY ANDY back to Booth's Car. BOOTH talks on his cellphone.) BOOTH: Just do a check on all the employees. And also, give me the contact information on this Dave Shepard, in the D.C. area. I'm telling you, Lou Taylor didn't do it. He was in jail; they picked him up passed out in another county. BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Hold on. Yeah, well, you know what? If *Lou* didn't toss the place then somebody else did, all right? So just keep checking for prints. (BOOTH hangs up) I'm telling you, somebody else is looking for that key. BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: Andy's making that face again. (Booth's Car, exterior. BOOTH changes BABY ANDY in the open trunk while BRENNAN, wearing gloves, examines the key.) BOOTH: I'm serious, Bones, next time you're changing the diaper. BRENNAN: Fine. (To ANGELA over webcam) There's a series of numbers on it. ANGELA: These keys were coded to indicate a specific bank so read me your numbers. BRENNAN: 36 09 20 14 (ANGELA'S Office) ANGELA: Okay, searching. Got it. It's from Green Hills Bank in Petersberg, West Virginia. I'll send the directions to your phone. BRENNAN: Thank you. ANGELA: No problem. How's my little bruiser? (BOOTH lifts BABY ANDY out of the car.) BRENNAN: Well, he looks pleased that a piece of metal is no longer passing through his intestinal tract. BOOTH: (Sing song) No more metal! No more metal. BRENNAN: (Frowning) His legs are bowed. BOOTH: All babies' legs are bowed. BRENNAN: No, not like this. How could I have missed that? (To ANGELA) Tell Zack to run a P ratio test on the victim's teeth. He'll know what I mean. ANGELA: Sure thing. Take care of him, sweetie. BRENNAN: I will. (She disconnects and turns back to BOOTH.) I've got the bank's address. It's in Petersberg, one town from Huntsville. BOOTH: Great! I'll request a warrant. That'll give us time to go to Family Services in Parsons to- BRENNAN: What? No! Not yet. BOOTH: Bones, I know this is difficult but we both agreed that we'd keep Andy to get the key. Now that we have the key... BRENNAN: No. You can't leave him with Family Services in the middle of nowhere. Cam still needs to review his medical records. BOOTH: Oh, well... I mean... Bones, there are doctors there. BRENNAN: You have no idea what that place will be like, Booth. Med students, underfunded, understaffed- BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: His mother is dead and his father is a felon. I've been in his situation, Booth. I am not turning him over until I'm satisfied that he is somewhere safe where he'll get the care he deserves. BOOTH: Fine. He can stay with us, for now. BRENNAN: (Quietly) Thank you. BOOTH: Okay. I'll go lock the back up. (BRENNAN puts BABY ANDY in the car. Impulsively she blows a raspberry on his tummy, then another. BABY ANDY and BRENNAN laugh. BRENNAN looks around shiftily.) (Green Hills Bank, Petersberg, interior.) BANK MANAGER: Just let me know if there's anything else you need. BRENNAN: Do you like elephants? Huh? BOOTH: Bank manager said Meg was a new client, only got this box a few days ago. (BOOTH opens the safety deposit box and unwraps a blue cloth to reveal a handgun.) Ooh. BRENNAN: Uh-oh. BOOTH: Uh-oh is right. Oh, Andy, what kind of trouble was mama in? BREAK (BRENNAN examines the gun while BOOTH plays with BABY ANDY) BRENNAN: There's a sticky residue lining the trigger. I see fragments of a foreign object inside the barrel. I need to take this back to the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: Well, Meg Taylor didn't own a firearm, at least not legally. (To BABY ANDY) We need to find out where mommy got the gun, don't we? BRENNAN: Hey! Someone filed off the serial numbers. BOOTH: Do you think I didn't know that before I handed it to you? I mean, I am FBI. (To BABY ANDY) Not just some guy who changes your stinky diapers. BRENNAN: It's been fired recently. I'm finding gunpowder residue. BOOTH: Gunpowder's not gonna get me the owner's name. I need fingerprints, DNA. BRENNAN: (Thoughtfully) Do you think there are any public pools around here? (Huntsville Public Pool, exterior. It is drained and derelict. JIMMY GRANT shows BRENNAN and BOOTH, carrying BABY ANDY, inside to the pump room.) JIMMY: It's a pretty depressing job, keeping an eye on the ruins, but I try to think positive. Like I'm keeping them safe until they open up again. Ah, chemicals are down here. BRENNAN: Thanks. JIMMY: Can I hold him? Just for a bit? BOOTH: Okay. Just for a little bit, right, Andy? (JIMMY takes BABY ANDY.) BRENNAN: Do you know of any medical conditions that Andy was being treated for? JIMMY: Meg never liked to share her problems. She was, uh, pretty independent but, I mean, Andy's always seemed just fine. Is he sick? BOOTH: We were just checking. Must have been a pretty nice pool? JIMMY: Yeah. Heh. Coached the high school team once, back when I was teaching- BRENNAN: Perfect. Muriatic acid. BOOTH: Bones, what are you doing? JIMMY: Hey, I get it. Someone filed the numbers off, didn't they? BOOTH: How'd you know that? JIMMY: Oh, she's using the acid to react with the metal. It restores the original etchings. (BOOTH chuckles in surprise.) JIMMY: I taught high school science. BOOTH: Really. BRENNAN: You must have been a good teacher. (Brennan swabs the handgun with the hydrochloric acid to reveal etched serial numbers: 160-56391) I got the numbers. (FBI interrogation room. BOOTH paces as he interrogates EARL DELANCY) BOOTH: Mr Delancy, you worked for Fallbrook Rubber before you came to D.C. EARL: Yeah. Got laid off a couple months ago. Surprised that place is still in business. BOOTH: So you knew Meg Taylor? EARL: Sure. Can't picture her with a gun though. She was sweet as they come. BOOTH: The gun was registered to you. EARL: But I haven't seen it in a couple of years. I pawned it when things first started getting tight. BOOTH: It's illegal for pawnshops to buy guns. EARL: (Chuckling) Have you seen Huntsville? People do whatever it takes to stay afloat. BOOTH: It says here in your file that you assaulted the plant manager when he laid you off. Also took a swing at Dave Shepard. EARL: That's right, yeah! Look, that sumbitch drives up from D. C. every few months, and when he leaves, five more of us are out on our asses. Sure I took a swing at him. I'd do it again, too, if I ever saw him. BOOTH: Where's the pawn shop? EARL: Corner of Elm and Wilson. Went out of business, though: too many people selling, not enough people buyin'. (Medico-Legal Lab.) HODGINS: This gun is covered in a fine dust of particulate matter. It's going to take a while to id. ZACK: The fragments inside the gun's barrel are bone. HODGINS: Really? To get blowback like that, somebody would have to have been shot point blank. ZACK: In the head. Brain tissue on the fragments means they're from a frontal bone. HODGINS: Wow, maybe our victim shot somebody? ZACK: If she did, then why would she put the gun in a safety deposit box? It's not logical. HODGINS: Yeah, you're right. Well, we'll soon know for sure. ZACK: What do you mean? HODGINS: I've identified the residue on the gun's trigger. It's burned skin. The finger must've gotten caught and burned when the shooter fired the gun. Cam should be able to get some DNA. (BRENNAN and BABY ANDY are in Brennan's Office. BOOTH enters.) BOOTH: Hey, Bones. The pawnshop, it closed last year. No one's seen the owner. I mean, this gun? That could have been floating around for months. (to BABY ANDY) Hey, little man! Yeah-aha. Uh, Bones? What's the muzak? BRENNAN: I'm on hold. There's an anthropologically proven link between poverty and violence: more people competing for scarcer resources. BOOTH: That's, that's great, Bones, but the bottom line is we're not gonna know if the gun owner is telling the truth. CONGRESSIONAL STAFFER: (Over speakerphone.) Doctor Brennan? BRENNAN: Yes, I'm still here. BOOTH: (to BABY ANDY) Woah, hey. Hey. BRENNAN: Well, then tell the congressman I'd appreciate a call back. Thank you. BOOTH: (to BRENNAN via BABY ANDY) Congressman, woah, what is Bones up to, huh? BRENNAN: I'm just putting in a few calls. You know, I have contributed a great deal of money to numerous campaigns. I think these politicians owe me. BOOTH: Bones, that's not how it's supposed to work. BRENNAN: That is exactly how it does work, Booth. If the government fixed that bridge leading to Huntsville, they'd be back on the scenic route. BOOTH: (Laughing) Okay, what about the "lack of fiscal resources" that you were talking about? BRENNAN: They found millions to build a bridge to nowhere in Alaska. (to BABY ANDY) Do you need to burp? BOOTH: No. BRENNAN: I was talking to Andy. BOOTH: I know you were talking about Andy. (to BABY ANDY) My man, Andy! So, what's up with the little guy here. How's his condition? Any news? BRENNAN: Cam's still looking at his records, consulting with some pediatricians. BOOTH: (to BRENNAN via BABY ANDY) He's going to be just fine, isn't he? He's a tiger? (BOOTH plays with BABY ANDY's feet) Tiger tiger tiger tiger. Tiger tiger tiger tiger. Tiger tiger tiger tiger. BRENNAN: You know, verbal development would be heightened if you didn't talk to him like a fool. BOOTH: Well what were you just doing? Just then? BRENNAN: What? I wasn't doing anything? BOOTH: You were so! You were goin' doodoo doodoo- BRENNAN: What are you talking about? I never did that! BOOTH: Doo-doh baby-yes, that's what [unintelligible bickering] CAM: (Walking in) I have some info about the skin Hodgins found on the gun's trigger. BOOTH: Yep. CAM: It was male: not Meg Taylor. BRENNAN: So Meg was either an accomplice or- BOOTH: She witnessed the murder, got her hands on the gun, then hid it. (BOOTH'S phone rings) Woah. Excuse me. Booth. Yeah. (He writes something down.) Huntsville! BRENNAN: (Beams at BABY ANDY) Yeah! BOOTH: Bones, we just found our missing accountant. He used his credit card to check into a hotel near Huntsville. (To caller) Great. Thanks. (BOOTH hangs up.) Local police are picking him up now. (Tucker County Jailhouse, interior. An officer shows BOOTH down a corridor into an interrogation room where a HOMELESS MAN sits) OFFICER: There. BOOTH: You're kidding me, right? This is not Dave Shepard. (to HOMELESS MAN) You're not Dave Shepard! HOMELESS MAN: Tell me something I don't know. BOOTH: How'd you end up with his credit card? HOMELESS MAN: It was inside that bag. (He indicates a bloodstained holdall.) I found it in a trash heap near the old coal mine. (Ruefully.) I thought my luck had changed. BOOTH: Was there blood on this bag when you found it? HOMELESS MAN: I guess. Hey, can I have the sweaters? They're really soft. BOOTH: (To OFFICER.) I'll take the bag and everything in it back to D.C. Cut this guy loose. HOMELESS MAN: Cut me loose?! BOOTH: Yep. (He walks out.) HOMELESS MAN: I don't mind staying here, you know, couple of nights maybe? Whaddya say? Couple of nights? (Medico-Legal Lab. Cam's Office. CAM sits at her computer and BRENNAN stands at her shoulder.) CAM: So this Dave Shepard guy is an accountant? That's usually not a profession I associate with killers. BRENNAN: Booth thinks that our victim may have seen Dave Shepard shoot someone. Since he's been missing since her death, he could have killed her too. CAM: Yeah, well, tell Booth I just found the guy. (Screen shows: DNA Match found: 99.0173 CFD) Or parts of his skull, anyway. I ran the DNA from the blood on the duffel bag and the frontal bone fragments from the gun through CODIS-both his. BRENNAN: So Dave Shepard isn't our killer, he's another victim. CAM: He was shot in the head by a male, with a gun Meg Taylor was trying to hide. ANGELA: Hey, you wanted me? BRENNAN: Yeah, there was a flash drive in Dave Shepard's duffel bag. (BRENNAN hands a bagged flash drive to ANGELA) ANGELA: It's crushed. CAM: That's where you come in. BRENNAN: We need to know if Dave Shepard found something that could have gotten him killed. ANGELA: Okay. I'll get right on it. (ANGELA leaves.) BRENNAN: Did you call your pediatrician friend? CAM: He's on his way. BRENNAN: You know he's good, right? Because we have to be certain- CAM: Doctor Brennan, he's the Chief of Pediatrics at Children's National Medical Centre. He's the best. (BRENNAN nods.) (Medico-Legal Lab. Ookey Room.) HODGINS: Hi, Beautiful. Coming to visit? ANGELA: Yeah. I need some cotton swabs and some bleach. I'm cleaning dried blood off that flash drive. (HODGINS and ANGELA share a smile. She walks to the door and pauses.) You do want kids, don't you? HODGINS: What? ANGELA: Kids. Small humans. HODGINS: I'll admit: I only ever planned on one or two, but, if you want a million, I want a million. ANGELA: Really? HODGINS: Absolutely. I don't care if you're mushy and shapeless, puffy from constant hormonal fluctuations-I'll still find you sexy. ANGELA: Well, I'm not going to look like a- HODGINS: It's okay! I mean, when you get wider there'll be more of you to love. (ANGELA looks faintly worried.) I think we should start right now. Why wait until we get married? There's no telling how long it's gonna be until you get your divorce. ANGELA: Hodgins! Your...computer, it's beeping. HODGINS: Oh (HODGINS walks to check his screen, smiling to himself.) That's interesting. ANGELA: What is it? HODGINS: Particulates from the gun. Dust was composed of silica, sulphur compounds and synthetic rubbers. ANGELA: Sounds like tires. HODGINS: The gun was used at the tire recycling plant. (He strides away.) ANGELA: (With folded arms.) I'm not gonna get wider. (Fallbrook Rubber, tire recycling plant, interior. BOOTH, BRENNAN, and an FBI team search the plant.) BOOTH: Thanks. CHIP: What exactly are you looking for? BOOTH: Well, we're not sure yet. Anything that can help us find out what happened to Dave Shepard and Meg Taylor. CHIP: (to workers) Okay, people. Back to work. You let them do their job, they'll let us do ours. (TERRY starts up a huge mulching machine. BRENNAN follows its machinations with her eyes. She makes for the top platform of the mulcher.) BOOTH: Hey, where're you going? Hey Bones? (Handing his coffee to a colleague) Hey, pal, hold on to that for a second there, would you? Bones! (He climbs the stairs after her.) Hey! Where you going? Hey! BRENNAN: (Looking down into the mulcher.) Booth, look at this. (to TERRY) Turn off the machine! BOOTH: Yeah, if I were a dead body and I needed to disappear? BRENNAN: This would be a pretty thorough way to do it. BOOTH: Hey, pal, how often do you ship out a load of this mulch? TERRY: We collect a week's worth at a time, but we bag it up every couple of hours. BRENNAN: Dave disappeared four days ago. He could still be here. (Fallbrook Rubber, warehouse interior.) TERRY: (Indicating a row of mulch bags.) It's this lot right here. BOOTH: Yeah. Bones? BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH: THis lot was collected right after Dave's disappearance. TERRY: Everything is washed, sanitized, and ready to be shipped. BOOTH: But that means that all the evidence has been washed away! BRENNAN: (Laying out some equipment.) Not necessarily. Scoop up some of the mulch. (BRENNAN sets a glass jar on a table and fills it half full with water from a bottle.) Put it in this water. (BRENNAN screws on a lid, shakes the jar, and holds it up to the light. BOOTH looks closely too.) Next batch. BOOTH: Uh, Bones, what exactly are we doing? BRENNAN: I'll explain in a minute. (They repeat the process.) Try the next bag. BOOTH: Next bag. (They repeat the process.) Next bag. (They repeat the process.) BRENNAN: (Holding up a jar.) The rubber pieces float, see? But bone...(Bone fragments sink to the bottom of the water.) BOOTH: Sinks. You just found Dave. (to TERRY) Tell the manager to shut this plant down now. BRENNAN: (Answering her phone.) Brennan? ANGELA: Brennan, it's me. Turn on your video stream. BRENNAN: Is Andy all right? ANGELA: The pediatrician is examining him right now. (BRENNAN slides her laptop cradle out of the trunk of Booth's Car.) The baby is fine. Take a look at this. (Angela transmits data.) I recovered most of the memory from that flash drive. Dave Shepard's internal audit? Showed a completely different set of numbers to those reported to corporate headquarters. BOOTH: Somebody was doctoring the profit reports. BRENNAN: Siphoning money into a private account. Dave figured it out while he was in Huntsville, that's what got him killed. BOOTH: And if Meg knew about it then the killer would want her dead too. Come on. (They walk back into the plant to RICH and TERRY.) Hey, where's Barnett? RICH: Chip left. BOOTH: Where'd he go? RICH: Said he had an emergency at home. (BOOTH huffs. BRENNAN grabs the jar of evidence. Cut to CHIP throwing suitcases in his car. He gets in and tries to drive away, wheels spinning, but BOOTH and BRENNAN round the corner, siren wailing, and block his exit (in Booth's car).) CHIP: Jeez. Damn! (He drives in reverse until he hits the post of a chain link fence. CHIP abandons the vehicle and runs away, clambering heavily over his car. BOOTH pursues on foot with BRENNAN close behind. BOOTH catches CHIP and restrains him against another chain link fence.) BOOTH: (Handcuffing CHIP.) Chip Barnett, you're under arrest for eluding a federal agent. I'm sure we'll be throwing in a few murder charges as well. You know your rights, yeah? CHIP: Argh! Gah! Yeah. It was only a matter of time before they closed the plant. BOOTH: So you embezzled from the company. CHIP: A man does what he has to for his family. BRENNAN: So that justifies killing two innocent people? CHIP: Shepard was gonna turn me in. BOOTH: So you *shot* him. Meg witnessed it, got a hold of the gun- CHIP: She wanted money to keep quiet, take her kid to some doctor in D.C. BRENNAN: So you knew where she was headed. BOOTH: Yeah, you followed her out of town so you could kill her with no-one around. CHIP: I didn't want to kill her. I went to her trailer, I looked for the gun first, but you do what you have to- BRENNAN: There was a baby in that car, you son of a bitch. (Brennan walks off, disgusted. BOOTH hauls CHIP along.) BREAK (Brennan's Office. BOOTH walks in and the camera reveals BRENNAN sitting with BABY ANDY.) BOOTH: Hey. BRENNAN: Hey. BOOTH: One of the techs found this in Meg's trailer. (BOOTH holds an envelope.) BRENNAN: What is it? BOOTH: A letter that Meg wrote to her friend, Carol Grant. CAM: (Entering, carrying papers) Hey. Andy has a genetic condition. BOOTH: What is it? CAM: Vitamin D resistant rickets. Meg had a mild form, very few symptoms; she probably didn't even know she had it. BRENNAN: But males are prone to more severe cases than females so Andy would have exhibited more extreme symptomatology. CAM: Including the seizures. The clinic probably prescribed him the phenobarbital without searching for underlying causes. BOOTH: Well, is Andy going to be all right? CAM: Absolutely. (BOOTH sags in relief.) Very treatable. My friend can treat him as an outpatient. Andy's going to be fine. BRENNAN: Thanks, Cam. Really. CAM: Don't mention it. (CAM departs.) BOOTH: (to BABY ANDY) Yeah! BRENNAN: (to BABY ANDY) You're going to be fine. BOOTH: (to BRENNAN via BABY ANDY) Looks like our little guy's going to be just fine. (They share a long look.) *The* little guy. BRENNAN: Andy. BOOTH: Andy's going to be just fine. (He hands BRENNAN the envelope.) You should read this. (FBI Conference Room. BRENNAN holds BABY ANDY. BOOTH stands beside her. JIMMY GRANT signs papers while CAROL GRANT reads Meg's letter tearily.) CAROL: Dear Carol, If anything happens to me, take care of my Andy. I know you don't have much, none of us do, but you have love. And I know Andy would be lucky to be part of your family. (CAROL signs a paper.) (BRENNAN slowly hands BABY ANDY over to THE GRANTS. BABY ANDY holds his arms out for a second and then relaxes into CAROL'S arms. BRENNAN is on the verge of tears.) (Fade to Booth's Car, exterior. A park. BOOTH and BRENNAN sit in the open trunk, drinking coffee.) BOOTH: You know, I'm gonna miss that little guy...And so are you, so don't deny it. BRENNAN: I'm not ashamed to say that I have developed a certain...affection for Andy. It's a natural byproduct of caregiving. BOOTH: Yeah. So, what do you think, huh? Change your mind about having kids? BRENNAN: Booth! BOOTH: Okay, all right. You got some time. (He pauses, grinning.) Not *that* much time... BRENNAN: (Swatting BOOTH.) Booth! (and knocking the coffee cup out of his hand.) BOOTH: Hey! BRENNAN: Now look what you did! (BRENNAN wipes down some comb-bound documents.) BOOTH: What *I* did?! BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH: You're the one who hit me! (He takes the documents.) Woah, what is all this stuff? BRENNAN: It's information Carol gave me, from a structural engineer. BOOTH: Oh, so you took my financial advice, didn't you? Hm? You're gonna build that home. BRENNAN: No. The congressman couldn't help so I'm rebuilding the bridge into Huntsville. I've hired Carol Grant as the project manager. BOOTH: Wow. That is going to cost a fortune. BRENNAN: Well, to you it's a fortune, but with my advance, and selling the movie rights- BOOTH: Yeah, I get it. You know, I thought you said that towns lived and died liked organisms, that sometimes we should just let them go. BRENNAN: Sometimes it takes one thing, like a bridge, for a town to start recovering. Back on the scenic route the gas stations could reopen, restaurants, maybe a bed and breakfast for people wanting to stay in the area. BOOTH: Wow. Listen to you. Good for you. (He hands her the documents and sits back.) You know, it's a, it's a shame. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: No kids: who's going to be proud of you? BRENNAN: I don't do it for that. BOOTH: Yeah, okay. I know. I know. You know, with next year's book, you should uh, you should get that second home in that town you saved. I mean, it only makes sense, right? Because every year, you know, plasmas, they go down, they get cheaper and cheaper-it happens all the time. BRENNAN: Forget it. BOOTH: What? I'm just saying. Andy's going to miss his Auntie Bones. He's going to want to see you. We could all go fishing, come back home, plop ourselves in front of that one hundred and three inch plasma screen of *heaven* and *football* and you can make the *five layer* dip. BRENNAN: Seven layer dip. BOOTH: Even better! Seven layers! Perfect! You can talk to Andy: hello Andy, little baby, little baby baby Andy- (BRENNAN plugs his mouth with a pacifier. BOOTH sucks on it.)
doc_21
3.03 - Application Anxiety OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory are on the sofa watching "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour"] RORY: This is sublime. LORELAI: It was the golden age of television. RORY: The music, the costumes, the sets. LORELAI: All cylinders were fired on this one, boy! RORY: And who knew that they all had such musical talent? LORELAI: And such far out booty shaking abilities, as well. [The mailman walks through the front door and sets the mail on the bench] EDDIE: Mail, ladies. LORELAI: Thanks, Eddie! [Eddie walks back out; Rory walks over to get the mail] RORY: Did you see that TV Guide had this on their list of the worst fifty shows of all time? LORELAI: I know! Who are they to judge? RORY: I know, it's on my top fifty best. LORELAI: Yeah, right after "Holmes and Yoyo" and "Hee Haw Honeys." Oh, Rory, get back here! They're in clown suits and headed for the pool. RORY: Oh my God. LORELAI: Honey, come here. RORY: It's here. LORELAI: What's here? RORY: My application to Harvard. LORELAI: Oh my God. [walks over to look at it] It's beautiful. RORY: Impressive letterage, huh? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, it's so. . . RORY: Very. LORELAI: Can I hold it? RORY: Be careful. LORELAI: Oh, it's heavy, heavy with importance. RORY: I feel dizzy. LORELAI: Are you sure that's not just the sight of Robert Reed in the tight clown pants? RORY: Oh, geez. Let the record show that when my application to Harvard arrived, we were watching "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour." LORELAI: You don't lose points for that, do you? RORY: I hope not. Man, this morning I was reading Dead Souls – it couldn't have come then? LORELAI: Well, we'll just tell people that's what you were doing, and that I was studying a really big globe. They'll never know. RORY: You can keep a secret? LORELAI: Not so far, but there's always a first. RORY: Dead Souls and a really big globe. LORELAI: Deal. [looks at TV] Oh, kayaks! [opening credits] CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN [Lorelai sits at the table with the Harvard application while Rory gets a drink from the refrigerator] LORELAI: Come on, come on, I wanna get started. RORY: Hold your horses there little Miss Horsie Holder. LORELAI: They're going to expect a higher level of wit when you're at Harvard. Oh, watch that drink. RORY: I'm nowhere near it. LORELAI: Well, keep it that way. This is an uncontaminated area. I even cleaned the table using something other than the sleeve of my sweater and spit. [shows her a bottle of cleanser] RORY: Lovely image. I'll be careful. LORELAI: All right, here we go. First question. Uh! Oh my God. RORY: What? LORELAI: "What were you doing the moment you received this application?" counts for fifty percent of your eligibility. RORY: Stop. [Lane walks out of Rory's bedroom] LANE: I need help. LORELAI: With what? RORY: She's writing her drummer-seeks-rock-band ad. LANE: And it's not reading right to me. Could you guys look it over? RORY: Let's see – "Drummer with strong beat seeks band into the Accelerators, the Adolescents, the Adverts, Agent Orange, the Angelic Upstarts, the Agnostic Front, Ash. . ." You went alphabetically. LANE: Seemed tidy. LORELAI: And a little OCD. RORY: And a little long. LANE: I can't make cuts. RORY: It's three pages, single spaced – make cuts. LANE: But this is the cut-down version. I mean, just from the letter A, I excluded AC/DC, the Animals, and A-Ha, footnoted as a guilty pleasure. RORY: If we can't get through it, no one can. LANE: Okay. RORY: Okay. LANE: I'll try to make cuts, but no guarantees. [goes back into Rory's bedroom] LORELAI: Okay, personal information. . . state your full name. Better not get that one wrong. RORY: I'll try. LORELAI: And nickname, if any. RORY: That would be Rory. LORELAI: Or Droopy Drawers. RORY: That was never my nickname. LORELAI: Wrong, I called you that as a baby. RORY: What? LORELAI: That's right. You had these little OshKosh cords and they were way too big and once at the mall, they fell right down to your knees and I said, "Whoa, there, Droopy Drawers!" – and I'm just afraid if we don't answer everything accurately, the Harvard police will come and hit you with an atlas and say something mean in Latin. RORY: How would they know that you called me Droopy Drawers? LORELAI: Well, we could be at a Harvard event and I could slip up and say, "Pass me a lobster puff, Droopy Drawers," and they could hear me, and that'll be that. RORY: How ‘bout you don't drink at any of these Harvard events? LORELAI: Okay, parental information. Mother – breathtaking. RORY: I think they just want your name. LORELAI: Father – ostracized. Personal statement. RORY: Oh, the essay – the big kahuna. LORELAI: You can evaluate a significant experience that's had an impact on you. How ‘bout that time your drawers dropped at the mall? RORY: Enough with the drawers. LORELAI: Or you can write about a person who has had a significant influence on you. RORY: You? LORELAI: Or one of your authors, Faulkner or. . . RORY: Or Sylvia Plath. LORELAI: Hm, might send the wrong message. RORY: The sticking her head in the oven thing? LORELAI: Yeah. Although she did make her kids a snack first, shows a certain maternal instinct. [Lane walks out of Rory's bedroom] LANE: Okay, I just crunched the numbers and at two thousand words and twenty-five cents a word, this stupid ad's gonna cost five hundred dollars! That's five months worth of Minwaxing end tables at my mom's store. I give up. RORY: No, don't give up. Just cut down your influences to the most important ones, like with David Bowie. LANE: Gotta have Bowie. RORY: But do you have to list every album he ever recorded plus your personal rating between one to ten? LANE: Maybe not. LORELAI: And what's with Jackson Browne making the list? LANE: Ah, see, cool people know that he's more than a mellow hippie-dippy folkie, that he actually wrote some of Nico's best songs and was in fact her lover before he bored us with "Doctor My Eyes." That will separate the poseurs from the non-poseurs. RORY: Wax on, wax off. LANE: I hate this. [goes back into bedroom] LORELAI: Okay, what activities interest you? RORY: All of them except for the sports. LORELAI: I thought you were the lacrosse kid. RORY: Mom, just a modicum of seriousness as we do this would be much appreciated. LORELAI: Hm, so, circle all of them except sports. Oh, they want a picture. How about the one of us sticking our heads through the carved out holes of Johnny Bravo and SpongeBob Squarepants? RORY: There's the seriousness I crave. [Lane opens the bedroom door] LANE: I'm going to have to crank the Ramones if I have to make deep cuts. [Lane shuts the door, and a second later, music starts blaring from the room] RORY: We'll move outside. LORELAI: The outside's contaminated. [Rory grabs the bottle of cleanser and they walk out the back door] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Dean and Rory are sitting at a table. Luke refills Rory's coffee mug] RORY: Thank you. LUKE: Do they let kids drink coffee before school? RORY: Why, do you think it might lead to harder stuff? Lattes, cappucinos. . . LUKE: Forget I asked. [walks away] RORY: So, what are you doing Saturday? DEAN: Just my usual chores. RORY: Your usual chores, John-boy? DEAN: Well, what else do you call house jobs? RORY: I call them the stuff you avoid until the Environmental Protection Agency steps in. DEAN: Why do you ask? RORY: I thought we could see a movie or something. DEAN: You're not free. RORY: How do you know? DEAN: ‘Cause you'll be working on your application all weekend. RORY: No, I'm not. DEAN: Really? RORY: It's not due for weeks, and I already have my essay topic picked out. DEAN: Which is? RORY: Hillary Clinton. DEAN: Sounds perfect. RORY: I know. She's so smart and tough and nobody thought she could win New York but she did and she's doing amazing, and have you heard her speak? DEAN: Only when you've played me the thousands of hours of C-SPAN footage you taped. RORY: She's a great speaker, strong and persuasive with a wonderful presence, and even those suits of hers are getting better. DEAN: I'd include that in the essay. RORY: Anyhow, now that I have Hillary, all I need is a date for Saturday. Suggestions? DEAN: You're on. RORY: Great. Oh, there's my bus. Sip. [sips coffee] Kiss. [they kiss] And bye. DEAN: Bye. [Rory exits the diner and runs to catch her bus as Luke walks over to the table] LUKE: Fast runner. DEAN: It's the coffee. LUKE: Not your face? DEAN: Excuse me? LUKE: Sorry, just missed my youth for a second. I'm back. Coffee? [Luke looks out the window and sees Taylor taking photographs of the store next to the diner] CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY [Rory is waiting outside the auditorium while Paris argues with a teacher] PARIS: Everyone always says that! This is my speaking voice. This is its natural volume! Fine, fine! [walks over to Rory and they walk into the auditorium] PARIS: Short-sighted morons. RORY: What now, Paris? PARIS: We went to all this trouble to set up this stupid seminar. I say we, but let's face it, I did most of the work, and Mr. Hunter won't let me do it the way I want. RORY: The panelists are up there. We sit across from them and ask questions. What's the problem? PARIS: It's boring and predictable and done to death. I wanted Charlie Rose. RORY: To ask the questions? PARIS: His style. I wanted us sitting at a round table with black backdrops. RORY: But the audience won't be able to see anything. PARIS: I was working with the losers in the AV club to project it on a giant video screen. And all Mr. Hunter said was, "Paris, this isn't the Beatles at Shea Stadium." Nice anachronism, huh? Like they had video screens in sixty-three. His references are as topical as his suits. MR. HUNTER: [on stage] Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? We can get this seminar started. I'd like to bring up the organizers of this little event, Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore. [There are two tables on the stage. A man and a woman are seated at one of them; Rory and Paris walk on stage and sit at the other] PARIS: Thank you, Mr. Hunter. Everybody, this is a seminar called "The Business of Getting In." Its goal is to help guide us through the torturous process of applying to, and getting into, the right college. My panelists are Jim Romaine, admissions officer at Princeton University, and Ivy-League college consultant, Rose Samuels. Welcome, panel. RORY: Yes, welcome. PARIS: Now, panel, you're addressing a group of kids just beginning the stressful process of applying to college. Question – what is the biggest mistake a person can make on his or her application? Mr. Romaine? MR. ROMAINE: Well, forgetting to send it in would be the worst mistake, but perfunctory answers would be high on my list. PARIS: Explain. MR. ROMAINE: I'm talking about run of the mill responses, a lack of originality, particularly in the essay category. If I read one more over-adulating piece of prose about Hillary Clinton and her profound influence, my head will explode. MS. SAMUELS: I hear that. Sometimes a mistake like that comes from writing what one thinks an admission officer wants to read. MR. ROMAINE: Big mistake. MS. SAMUELS: And sometimes it's just a lack of original thought. MR. ROMAINE: Just as big a mistake. PARIS: Personal anecdote – when I was twelve and I was writing the first of my trial essays in practice for the day I'd write my real essay, I chose Hillary Clinton. Then I realized every braindead bint in a skirt would be writing about Hillary, but it was good to clear the pipes. Now, what are some other mistakes? MR. ROMAINE: Well, small thing, but if your printing is bad, that says something we don't like. If your extracurriculars and volunteer activities are too by-the-book, that says something we don't like. MS. SAMUELS: Yes, those activities should have a personality behind them – a focus, a direction. I've seen applications where the student has circled every activity listed. Again, you're trying too hard there. One can't be interested in everything. MR. ROMAINE: They're the ones who've had college paraphernalia on their walls their whole lives. MS. SAMUELS: Too hungry, it's a little immature. PARIS: Interesting, interesting. Rory, do you wanna ask a question? RORY: No. PARIS: What? RORY: No, thank you. PARIS: Okay. So, how early should a student get an application in? MR. ROMAINE: By the due date. Earlier makes no difference. It's a complete myth that there's a benefit to be derived from early admission. I do think it's important to talk about the interview process. I believe it's an opportunity to weed out the hyper-intense candidate. . . CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Emily walk into the living room] EMILY: So, she's meeting you here? LORELAI: Yeah, she had a thing after school, a rumble or something. She said she'd be over after. EMILY: A rumble? LORELAI: Yeah, a bunch of kids meet in an alley, they pirouette, they pull knives, it's a whole to-do. EMILY: So she's meeting you here? LORELAI: Yes, she's meeting us here. Where's Dad? EMILY: The magazines. [walks away] LORELAI: That was weird. . .and unresponsive. [Lorelai walks over to the couch as Emily returns with a stack of magazines] EMILY: These are college issues of various magazines. I've been collecting them for a couple of months now. LORELAI: Oh, well, Rory's probably seen all those, but thanks anyway. EMILY: Have you read these? LORELAI: No. EMILY: Well, you should. I've unearthed some shocking statistics. I mean, do you have any idea how hot the competition is to get into a school like Harvard? LORELAI: Well, yeah, it's very hot. It's one of the top schools in the country. EMILY: In the world. People from China, Russia, India, children from every country apply to Harvard. There's more competition than ever before. LORELAI: Really, Mom, I know all this. EMILY: With the dot-com bust and the job market dwindling and the stock market going up and down like a yo-yo, everyone and his brother knows the best chance for success and financial security is not just to go to college, but to go to a top college. LORELAI: Thank you, got it, appreciate the info. EMILY: Every child that applies has the same high grade point average, they've taken the same AP classes, and they're all on the student council. LORELAI: They're not all that identical. EMILY: One college admissions officer said that he sometimes puts a random stack of applications in the yes pile and the rest in the no pile because he knows it doesn't make any difference. He doesn't even so much as glance at them. LORELAI: That does not sound real. EMILY: And now it's the in thing for young Hollywood celebrities to go to universities. What do they call themselves, the Brat Pack? LORELAI: About a hundred years ago. EMILY: They get into wherever they want based on name recognition. I was watching TV and that insipid Kate Hudson was talking about going to a university. If she decides to go to Harvard, she'll get right in over Rory, who we know is more qualified. LORELAI: How ‘bout a drink, Mom? You want a drink, ‘cause I sure do. EMILY: Lorelai, hold on here. What are we gonna do about this? LORELAI: Look, there is no we, okay? It's me – me and Rory – that's the we. I appreciate your concern and your prodigious research, but it's all gonna be fine. Rory's special. EMILY: Well, you know that and I know that but those idiots at Harvard may not necessarily know that. RORY: [calls from hallway] Hello? LORELAI: Uh, we're in here, honey, and hurry! [Rory walks into the living room] RORY: Hi Grandma. EMILY: Hello Rory. You look flushed. RORY: I ran from the bus stop, I'm okay. Mom, hey, I've been trying to call you – can I talk to you for a second? EMILY: Is something wrong? RORY: No, I just need to talk to Mom about something, that's all. We'll be quick. LORELAI: Okay, hon. We'll be back. CUT TO RICHARD'S STUDY [Rory and Lorelai walk in] RORY: I'm not getting into Harvard. LORELAI: What? Who says? RORY: Well, I'm completely unprepared, and I have no original thoughts! LORELAI: No, no, don't blame yourself, it's not you. It's those jerks at Harvard – I hate them! RORY: What? LORELAI: Well, apparently, it doesn't matter how qualified you are, those lazy-ass admissions officers just take applications and stick it in the yes and no piles without even glancing at them! RORY: Well, it won't matter because my Hillary Clinton essay will be just like every other girl's Hillary Clinton essay because apparently that's all we can think of. I'm such a hack. LORELAI: Is it true everyone has the same GPA? How is that possible? RORY: Because we all take the same classes and we all give the same perfunctory run-of-the-mill responses. And I'm interested in too many things, I have to limit them. I'm gonna circle travel on my application. From now on, that is what I am interested in, travel. LORELAI: No, no, don't do that, no! Because all those people coming from China and India and God knows where else, they're all nuts for traveling – that's why they're traveling here! And and jobs are dropping and dot-com bombing and something's acting like a yo-yo, I don't know what but it's not good! And over my dead body is Kate Hudson getting your spot, let me just say that right now! RORY: Mom, you're freaking out! LORELAI: Yes, I'm freaking out! RORY: Well, you can't freak out, I'm freaking out! [cell phone rings] Hello? PARIS: What the hell did Romaine mean when he was going on about weeding out the hyper-intense in the interview process? He stopped just short of calling me by name, I'm losing it! RORY: Not now, Paris. PARIS: I tried to throw the questioning over to you because I was about to heave and you left me hanging so I had to come home and heave. RORY: I'll talk to you tomorrow, Paris. [hangs up] PARIS: Wait! LORELAI: Okay, we gotta calm down here. RORY: So, set an example. LORELAI: Hey, I'm human, too. RORY: My forehead is burning up. LORELAI: My heart is beating so fast, it's gotta slow down. RORY: Okay, just. . .let's take a breath. LORELAI: Okay. This freaking out is not good. RORY: It sucks. LORELAI: We can do this. If others can do this, we can do this! RORY: Well, I'm not so sure anymore. LORELAI: That is unacceptable! RORY: Well, I don't wanna accept it. LORELAI: Then we won't. RORY: Well, what do we do? LORELAI: I don't know. We definitely need some sort of perspective. RORY: I think we need therapy. LORELAI: And booze! For those of us over twenty-one. Okay, are we calming? Are we less-freaked? RORY: I'm totally freaked out. LORELAI: Well, hide it! RORY: I can't hide it. LORELAI: Then prepare yourself for an evening of magazine recitations by Emily "DJ Doom-meister" Gilmore. RORY: I'll hide it. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is making coffee in the kitchen when the phone rings] LORELAI: [answers] Hello? . . . No, Lane should be here any minute. Is this about the ad? . . . Well, uh, give me your number and she'll call you back. . . Okay, then, what's the number of the dude whose couch you're sleeping on? . . .Uh! Dude doesn't have a phone? Well, try back later, dude. Thanks. [hangs up] Rory, are you up? If not, get up! [phone rings again] And where's Lane? She's supposed to be fielding these. [answers phone] Hello? No, she's not, may I take a message? [Lane walks in through the back door] Oh, wait a minute – here she is, hold on. [holds out the phone toward Lane] LANE: Sorry. [answers phone] This is Lane. [walks out of kitchen] [Rory walks out of her bedroom] LORELAI: Hey. RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Aw, what's up? RORY: I didn't sleep so well. LORELAI: Poor thing. RORY: I'm fine. I'm just a little bummed. LANE: [on phone] No, wait, wait, wait, progressive rock is a really passé style now but I listed it as an influence because it was a progenitor of great things that came afterwards. I mean, I contend that you can draw a straight line from Yes to Jethro Tull to the Jam to Nirvana, bing bang boom. . . Who are the Jam? [to Rory and Lorelai] That's disturbing. [walks away] LORELAI: Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something. Honey, I'm just kidding, you gotta go to college. RORY: I'm up for anything at this point. I gotta go. I'll see you later? LORELAI: Feel better, okay? RORY: I will. LANE: You are not telling me that you did not know that Kim Deal was in the Pixies before the Breeders! I refuse to accept that! [hangs up] These kids have no sense of history. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Luke walks up to a customer at the counter] LUKE: Hey Tom, what's up? TOM: Nothing much. Why don't you get me a ham on rye, mustard, no mayo. LUKE: You got it. [A young boy walks up to the counter] BOY: Hi. LUKE: You got money? BOY: Yes, sir. LUKE: What can I get ya? BOY: Let's see. How about a nice, cold egg cream? LUKE: A what cream? BOY: An egg cream. A nice and cold one. LUKE: What is that? TOM: It's like, uh, milk and soda water with flavoring, isn't it? LUKE: You asking me? BOY: Nice and cold. LUKE: I heard that part. TOM: Used to get them at Coney Island. LUKE: Go to Coney Island, kid. [The boy leaves, and another boy walks up to the counter] BOY: Sir, can I get something to go? LUKE: You got money? BOY: Uh huh. LUKE: What do you want? BOY: A black cow. LUKE: Aw, now, come on. BOY: It's just root beer and ice cream. LUKE: Root beer and ice cream? BOY: Uh huh. LUKE: Well, I can do that. BOY: As long as the ice cream's made the old fashioned way – on the premises. LUKE: Now wait a second. [Kirk walks up to the counter] KIRK: Hey, Luke, can you whip me up something in a hurry? LUKE: What, Kirk? KIRK: A chocolate phosphate. LUKE: Okay, now, what the hell is this? Why do you want a phosphate? KIRK: Because nothing says refreshment like a phosphate. LUKE: This is Taylor, right? Is he behind this? KIRK: I'm not at liberty to say. LUKE: [to boy] Okay, then, you tell me. And remember, if you lie, you'll go to hell. BOY: He didn't say you'd get mad. LUKE: Come on. [Luke drags Kirk and the boy out of the diner] CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET [Luke pulls Kirk and the boy into the market] TAYLOR: What is this? LUKE: That's my question. Now what the hell's going on here? TAYLOR: I have no idea what you're talking about. LUKE: They're asking for phosphates and egg creams and black cows, and they already gave you up, so tell me what's going on. TAYLOR: Who finked? KIRK: Him, him. BOY: Snitch! KIRK: Well, you did. LUKE: It's not the kid's fault, Taylor. Now what is this about? TAYLOR: Well, you are so close-minded to new things, Luke, that I decided to make an admittedly desperate attempt to convince you of the need for something that I think is a terrific idea. LUKE: Which is? TAYLOR: An old fashioned, turn of the century soda shop! LUKE: Aye yi yi yi yi! TAYLOR: It's just the kind of wholesome hang today's teens need to keep them off the streets. LUKE: And our streets are so wild and out of control? TAYLOR: If you ask me, yes – and I have proof. [hands Luke an envelope of pictures] LUKE: What are these? TAYLOR: Surveillance photos of town goings-on, the dark side of Stars Hollow, Luke – not a pretty picture. LUKE: These are kids on skateboards. TAYLOR: Slaloming around pop bottles right down the middle of the street. I'm telling you, Luke, if we don't quick furnish these skateboarding z-boys with a moral distraction, they're gonna turn Stars Hollow into Dogtown. LUKE: [points to a picture] This is the space next to the diner. TAYLOR: I know. LUKE: I own the space next to the diner. TAYLOR: I know. LUKE: You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner? TAYLOR: It's the only one that's appropriate. LUKE: Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on ‘til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no!" And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no!" TAYLOR: But the space is empty! LUKE: Not for long. TAYLOR: And what are your plans for it? LUKE: A skateboard and pop bottle shop. TAYLOR: That's not funny. LUKE: With in-house experts to teach the craft of street slaloming. TAYLOR: Still not funny. LUKE: Well, I'm not in a very funny mood! KIRK: Luke, are you taking applications for jobs at your skateboard and bottle shop? LUKE: Yeah, I'm interviewing people today, Kirk. KIRK: Great. Shall I go home and change or will casual suffice? LUKE: I like the going home part. KIRK: I don't understand. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is sitting on the couch when Rory walks through the front door] RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. Guess who I actually had a very productive conversation with today? Headmaster Charleston. RORY: You're kidding. LORELAI: No, and I think we came up with the solution to our application anxiety, you wanna hear it? RORY: I guess. LORELAI: Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going "Ha!" was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation. RORY: And? LORELAI: He suggested setting up a meeting with a Harvard graduate, like a dinner or something. He even gave me the number of someone he knows. RORY: An alumni dinner? LORELAI: Yes, exactly. RORY: Do they do that? LORELAI: According to Charleston, it's done all the time. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: Yeah, it would be an opportunity to talk with someone who's been through it all and did it successfully. You can ask questions, he can give some perspective, it seems perfect. RORY: It sounds a little weird. LORELAI: Yeah, a little, but I'll go with you and what's the worst that can happen? We're bored and we blow a meal, but if this person can help, then that's a good thing, right? RORY: I do have some questions. . . a lot of questions. LORELAI: Well, let's call him. RORY: Now? LORELAI: Yes, yes, there's no time like the present, come on. [they walk over to desk] His name is Darren Springsteen of Westport, Connecticut, Harvard class of 74. Uh! Ask if he has a brother named Bruce. RORY: I'm not gonna ask him that. [dials phone number] It's ringing. LORELAI: Hee! [Rory hangs up the phone] LORELAI: Why'd you hang up? RORY: I'm not good at these things. LORELAI: Did he answer? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Yes? Rory, that's a really terrible first impression. [phone rings] Uh oh. RORY: Him? LORELAI: Maybe. RORY: He star sixty-nined us? LORELAI: Well, the Harvard people can afford all the latest technology. Answer! LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hey, you've reached Suffragette City, and if you're calling about Lane Kim's ad, sorry we're not in, but don't commit rock and roll suicide – just crank a message with some feedback. RORY: Oh geez. LORELAI: Well, if he is related to Bruce, he can dig it. DAVE: [on machine] Hey, my name's Dave Rygalski, I'm calling about the ad. I left my number before, so call when you get a chance. GIRL: [in background on machine] Where's my – DAVE: [on machine] Relax, I'm coming. [Lorelai stops the message] LORELAI: Let's try this again. [dials number] RORY: Can we please just do this later? LORELAI: No, let's get it done now. It's ringing. RORY: Let's do it later. LORELAI: It's ringing. [hands her the phone] RORY: I'm gonna say the wrong thing or have the wrong tone in my voice. I'm not in good first impression mode right now. [hands phone back to Lorelai] Unh! LORELAI: [answers phone in high voice] Hello? Hello, um, this is Rory Gilmore. I believe you were expecting my call. . .Um, oh, well, this is such a wonderful opportunity for me. . .Whatever's good for you will be great for me. . . RORY: Not so breathy. LORELAI: That's how chickens talk! [on phone in high voice] Lunch? Oh yes, let me just check my organizer. . .oh, perfect. My mother will be there, too. She's terrific. . . All right, I'll see you this weekend. . . Mm, bye. [hangs up] RORY: You're no Danny Gans. LORELAI: I never claimed to be. RORY: He's gonna be expecting Chilton High School senior Trixie McBimbo. LORELAI: And her mother, Bambi McBimbo. RORY: But I guess it can't hurt, right? LORELAI: It can only help. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: And look, if it's a total bust, we'll grab a pole and Trixie and Bambi'll take it on the road. That's something to put on your application, huh? It'll set you apart. RORY: Thanks Mom. LORELAI: [in high voice] Bye Trixie! CUT TO OUTSIDE THE SPRINGSTEEN RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Rory walk up the pathway to the house] LORELAI: So, alumna is a girl graduate. RORY: Right. LORELAI: And alumnus is a man. RORY: Singular. LORELAI: So an unmarried man? RORY: No, not not-married. He can be married or single, all alumnus means is one man singular as opposed to many men plural. LORELAI: And plural is alumni. RORY: Right, and that can be girls and guys. LORELAI: Kinky! RORY: No, not kinky, just what it is. [rings doorbell] LORELAI: Ugh, you're no fun when you're nervous. RORY: Oh yes, because you and I usually have so much fun with Latin. LORELAI: So what do we call this guy, alumnus Darren, you know, like you'd say farmer John or the butcher Lazar Wolf? RORY: Hish-kabibble. [A man opens the door] DARREN: Hello there. LORELAI: Hello, I'm Lorelai Gilmore. DARREN: Darren Springsteen, nice to meet you. And this must be the reason we're all here. RORY: Yes, hello. I'm hope we're not putting you out. DARREN: Putting us out? Today you are the Springsteen family's raison d'être. Come in, come in. [they walk inside] Was your drive long? LORELAI: Not too. DARREN: Stars Hollow is charming. The last time we drove through there, there was a pumpkin patch. LORELAI: Sounds like us. DARREN: In March. LORELAI: Oh, that would be the year the pumpkins arrived late. DARREN: Sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. You came bearing gifts? RORY: What? Oh, this. No, this is not a gift. These are my records – grades, SATs. LORELAI: It's Rory in a bag – you add water and her brilliance springs out. DARREN: Why don't I just glance at this some other time, mm? This afternoon, why don't we just talk and get to know one another, okay? RORY: Sounds good. LORELAI: You're a very nice alumni. DARREN: Thanks. [walks down the hall] RORY: That's the plural. LORELAI: Ah, rats! [they follow him into the living room] DARREN: Lorelai, Rory, say hello to Marie, my wife. MARIE: Hello, so good to have you here. LORELAI: Hi. RORY: Thank you. MARIE: How about drinks? Iced tea, water? RORY: Iced tea's good. LORELAI: Same here. MARIE: Okay. [leaves room] DARREN: Do you like art, Rory? RORY: Very much. DARREN: Modern painting is my passion. I've got a Hockney, a Kline – what I don't have is a Diebenkorn so please don't ask, "Where's the Diebenkorn?" LORELAI: Uh, you warned me just in time. DARREN: I only recently got into sculpture. My latest acquisition, it's a Zoltan Kemeny. Very provocative. Don't you just love its audacity? LORELAI: Yes, it's very audacious. DARREN: So, what are some of your other interests, Rory? LORELAI: Oh, well, pull up a comfy chair there, Darren, because they are widespread and extensive. RORY: I read a lot. I'm into the Russians lately. DARREN: Tolstoy, Turgenev? RORY: Gogol is my thing right now – Dead Souls. DARREN: One of my favorites. LORELAI: You were reading that when we got your Harvard application in the mail, weren't you sweetie? RORY: Yes, yes I was. LORELAI: I saw that Harvard logo on the envelope and I said, "Rory, get your nose out of your Gogol and get over here!" Of course, we have a TV somewhere, but it's really more of a funny little table to put a cup of chai tea on, you know what I mean? DARREN: I'm afraid I don't. I watch way too many sports, and I go to all the Harvard games. How about you – do you like sports? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: No. LORELAI: That is, we follow certain things. RORY: We enjoy various aspects of certain sporting endeavors. LORELAI: But it wouldn't be the kind that you could ask any follow-up questions on. RORY: It's a general interest. DARREN: Got it. It's pretty much a waste of time, but it's how I waste my time. I collect memorabilia, too. I've got each year's Harvard team pennant going back to 1927. LORELAI: Lots of displayed Harvard paraphernalia, huh? DARREN: It's all over the walls at the rec room. LORELAI: See, see, lots of paraphernalia. RORY: Watch the ribs there. [Two kids walk in from the backyard] DARREN: Ah, here are the kids. Jack, Jennifer, this is Lorelai and Rory. JACK: Hi there. JENNIFER: It's nice to meet you. LORELAI: Likewise. RORY: Hi. DARREN: Jack's premed at Princeton and Jennifer is bound for Harvard like you Rory. JENNIFER: Oh, we should talk. RORY: Sure. JENNIFER: If not today, another day, okay? RORY: Okay. JENNIFER: Uh, do you wanna pick a time now or later. . . RORY: Later's fine. JENNIFER: I'll make a note in my palm pilot. RORY: Cool. MARIE: [enters room with a tray of drinks] Here are your teas. RORY: Thank you. MARIE: Ah, Darren, we should really get the chicken going. DARREN: Right, right. You're getting my famous chicken today – I hope you like chicken. RORY: Love it. DARREN: I'll be right back. Here's some of my Harvard yearbooks, peruse them if you like. LORELAI: Oh. [Marie and Darren leave the room] JACK: Yeah, and we should go clean up, Jen. JENNIFER: Mm, definitely. [to Rory] I will see you in a jiff. [Jack and Jennifer leave the room] LORELAI: Ew! RORY: What? LORELAI: Did they just leave to take a shower together? RORY: Oh, gross! LORELAI: What? They bounced in together, they bounced out together. RORY: New topic. LORELAI: Can't take gritty reality? RORY: Or slanderous postulating. LORELAI: And how is it they just came off the tennis court and they're not even sweating? RORY: I don't know. Maybe when you're that white, you don't sweat. LORELAI: Darren's nice though, isn't he? RORY: He's very nice. Hey, do you think I'm making a good impression? LORELAI: Great impression. He loves you, especially when he found out you share his love of various aspects of certain sporting endeavors. RORY: Hey, you started it. We could have just told the truth and said we weren't into sports. LORELAI: I was trying to humanize us. RORY: Yeah, with our funny looking chai tea table. Very humanizing. LORELAI: [in robot voice] Zoltan Kemeny. RORY: What? LORELAI: That artist's name – it sounds like robot language, doesn't it? Zoltan Kemeny. RORY: Don't say it again. LORELAI: Zoltan Kemeny, Zoltan Kemeny. RORY: Stop, don't! LORELAI: Zoltaaaan – MARIE: [enters room] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm interrupting the fun. LORELAI: No, that's all right, you're not. We were just laughing at all the funny haircuts, that's all. MARIE: I know, aren't they a blast? LORELAI: It's just a sea of goofy sideburns. MARIE: Lunch will be ready in just a few minutes. [leaves] LORELAI: Zoltan. RORY: Stop! [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO DINING ROOM [Lorelai, Rory, Marie and Darren walk into the room] LORELAI: Aw, wow, what a beautiful table. RORY: Yes, you didn't have to do that. DARREN: Oh, Rory, honestly, it's our pleasure. [Jack and Jennifer walk in wearing similar outfits] DARREN: Perfect timing, kids. JACK: Excellent. JENNIFER: Nice looking lunch, Mom. LORELAI: [to Rory] Color coordinated. RORY: Shh! DARREN: Guests of honor, why don't you sit over there. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Aw, family pictures. You have another girl, don't you? MARIE: Yes, we do. LORELAI: Well, where is she? What does she do? DARREN: Oh, um. . . MARIE: She's not here. LORELAI: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. DARREN: Oh, no no, it's all right. That's Carol. She's a year ahead of Rory. She's. . . MARIE: She's following her own path. DARREN: Right. Carol's doing her own thing. LORELAI: Okay. DARREN: Well, let's eat everybody. Honored guests, please choose from the chicken first. RORY: Thank you very much. DARREN: [to his kids] You two are gonna have to fight over the breast as you always do. So, Lorelai, what's your alma matter? LORELAI: Well, I was too preoccupied to go to college, what with weighing a couple hundred pounds and having feet twice my normal size and all. DARREN: I see. RORY: But she took night classes and graduated last year. She has an AA degree in business. MARIE: Well, that's wonderful. DARREN: In fact, it's refreshing. It might even be to Rory's benefit. Good things didn't come to your family in one fell swoop, you struggled for it. LORELAI: That's true. DARREN: One fell swoop, interesting phrase. JACK: Very. DARREN: Origin? JACK: It was coined in MacBeth and derives from Middle English. DARREN: Very good, son. You know your Shakespeare then, do you? JACK: More than most. DARREN: In which play does Falstaff appear? JACK: That would be plays. DARREN: Mm. JACK: Henry the Fourth, part one and two, and The Merry Wives of Windsor. DARREN: So that was a different Falstaff than Henry the Fifth? JACK: Aw, shoot! DARREN: This is a little tradition with us, quizzes at meals. It keeps the Springsteens sharp. LORELAI: Very Kennedy-esque. JENNIFER: Mm, we love the Kennedys! LORELAI: As do we all. DARREN: Now, the person questioned can challenge me with a follow-up if he gets his question right. Gets pretty competitive. LORELAI: Well, if pistols are drawn, we're ducking. DARREN: Jack, which Polish composer – JACK: Chopin! DARREN: Patience. . .became Prime Minister of his country? JACK: Paderewski. DARREN: That's right, but your impetuousness cost you a follow-up. Jennifer, can you give me the three sub-classes of the Mesozoic Era? JENNIFER: Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous. DARREN: Good. JENNIFER: Follow-up – what preceded the Mesozoic Era? DARREN: Paleozoic. LORELAI: He's good. MARIE: It's hard to stump Darren. JENNIFER: Impossible, he's brilliant. DARREN: Open question – which mythological figure has the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion? Here's a hint – it's also the title of a novel by Robertson Davies. RORY: Oh, Manticore. DARREN: Very good, Rory. JACK: Yes, very good, Rory. JENNIFER: Yes, very good, Rory. MARIE: More water, Lorelai? LORELAI: Please, thank you. DARREN: Do you know which French city famous for its water was the capital of collaborationist France? LORELAI: Oh, me? Um, Evian, Perrier, uh, Le Crystal Geyser? DARREN: Jennifer, you wanna help Lorelai out? JENNIFER: Vichy. DARREN: That's correct. LORELAI: Oh, that's right. Vichy water, I knew that. DARREN: What about the year of Germany's victory in the Franco-Prussian War? LORELAI: Huh, me again? DARREN: If you wish. LORELAI: I don't know that one. I do know Instanbul is Constantinople, so if you've got a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Instanbul. DARREN: That's true. RORY: You know, um, sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to wash my hands. DARREN: Our fault, we rushed you in here. MARIE: Our downstairs is being remodeled, you have to use upstairs. End of the hall. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Hurry back. RORY: I will. [leaves room] LORELAI: So, that painting there, wow. The colors are so great, I can't stop staring at it. It's just beautiful. DARREN: It is. It's by a student of Matisse. I think he caught the master's colors wonderfully. LORELAI: Oh, Matisse, love him. DARREN: I think only a charlatan wouldn't. Anyone know the artistic movement Matisse championed and referred to as the Wild Beast? JENNIFER: Oh, fauvism! DARREN: Correct. JENNIFER: Follow up? DARREN: And then we'll go round robin. CUT TO UPSTAIRS [Rory stops outside a bedroom when she hears music inside. A girl rushes past her and goes into the bedroom] CAROL: Coming through! RORY: Oh, sorry. I just heard music and . . . [follows her into the bedroom] Cool room. CAROL: Tom Waits. RORY: What? CAROL: The music. RORY: Oh, I thought so. I love him. CAROL: I worship him. I even mildly stalked him once. RORY: Really? CAROL: Last year, I heard he was staying at this hotel so I went there everyday and sat in the lobby drinking massive amounts of coffee waiting for him to walk by. RORY: Did you see him? CAROL: Nope, never came down. For all I know, he's still there. Hand me that brush? RORY: Oh, here. CAROL: Stupid manager made me cover for Fiona today. That girl's a major pie crust. Ears? RORY: What? CAROL: On the chair. What time is it? RORY: Um, three. [hands her a pair of bunny ears] CAROL: Oh, totally late for my next job. Oh well, guess Grandma had to take another trip to the emergency room, right? Are they on straight? RORY: I think so. CAROL: Good. Who are you? RORY: I'm sorry, I'm Rory Gilmore. CAROL: You're one of the Harvard bound? RORY: Yeah. At least, I hope so. CAROL: [starts pulling on a bunny costume] Oh, trust me, you are. You've got that really good, straight, shiny Harvard hair. Zip me up? RORY: I'm sorry, are you Carol? CAROL: Yeah, why? RORY: I don't know, I just didn't expect. . . CAROL: What? RORY: Well, you. CAROL: Why? RORY: I don't know. Your parents just made it sound like. . . CAROL: Like I was holed up in the Chelsea with a needle sticking out of my arm screaming Sid at the top of my lungs? RORY: Kind of. CAROL: Well, to them, this is pretty close. RORY: Can I ask you what exactly you are dressing up like this for? CAROL: Morgan Tanner's fourth birthday party. RORY: You're kidding. CAROL: Nope, this is my fifth birthday party this week. Great tips, all cash, and of course, there's cake. RORY: So you're a waitress and a birthday bunny and you go to school. That's pretty amazing. CAROL: I don't go to school. RORY: Oh, sorry, I just assumed. I mean, your family . . . CAROL: My brother and sister got stuck on that conveyor belt. I, however, escaped somewhere around the eleventh grade, thank God. RORY: Huh. CAROL: Oh, hey, but no offense. I mean, that's just me. If you like being on the conveyor belt, then good for you. RORY: I'm not on the conveyor belt. CAROL: Okay. RORY: I'm not. I want this. I've dreamt of going to Harvard since I was a little girl. CAROL: Yeah, a lot of four year olds dream of that. It comes right after meeting Harry Potter. RORY: Hey, I am not gonna justify myself to someone with a tail. CAROL: You're right, I'm sorry. It's just that around here the Harvard brainwashing starts in the womb. If you were to tell either of my siblings that there was another life choice outside of the Ivy League, I think their khakis would wrinkle. RORY: Well, maybe they really want it. CAROL: Nope, my parents want it and they wanna please my parents. Have you seen a carrot? RORY: Don't you wanna please your parents? CAROL: Yeah, but not at the expense of finding myself. RORY: Or your carrot. CAROL: You gotta have your carrot. So, tell me something, Harvard hair – how bad do you wanna please your parents? RORY: My mom, and really bad, but it's not hard to please my mom. She's okay with anything I do. As long as I'm happy, she's good. CAROL: You're sure? RORY: I'm very sure. CAROL: Then you're lucky. RORY: Yeah, I am lucky. [Lorelai walks into the room] LORELAI: Oh, Rory, quick, uh, what are the three major Hindu deities, because I've missed four questions in a row and if I miss another one, I don't think I get dessert. RORY: Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu. LORELAI: Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu. Hi other daughter. CAROL: Hi. LORELAI: And I probably shouldn't do a gesundheit joke when I say Vishnu? RORY: Good thinking. LORELAI: Okay, thanks, bye. [leaves room] RORY: Wait, I'll go with you. [to Carol] I'm glad to have met you. CAROL: Oh, same here. Good luck with Harvard. RORY: Thanks. [Rory walks into the hallway and hugs Lorelai] LORELAI: Oh. . . oh. What's that for? RORY: For not putting me on the conveyor belt. LORELAI: Yes, that was very big of me. RORY: You don't know. CUT TO OUTSIDE THE SPRINGSTEEN RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory, and Darren walk out of the house] RORY: Thank you so much for this, for answering all my dumb questions. DARREN: You asked no dumb questions, and I hope my answers sufficed. RORY: Definitely. Bye. [walks down the front walkway] DARREN: Au revoir. LORELAI: Yeah, thank you so much for everything. I know it did a world of good for her. DARREN: She's a very impressive young lady. LORELAI: I wholeheartedly concur. DARREN: You molded her well. LORELAI: Oh, no, I didn't mold her. Rory popped out that way. DARREN: You're being modest. LORELAI: You don't know me, do you? DARREN: So long. LORELAI: Bye. [Darren goes back into the house as Lorelai walks over to Rory] RORY: What did he say? LORELAI: That you're Godlike. RORY: Is that all? LORELAI: Oh, and that his brother Bruce Springsteen would be happy to come and play at our next party or event. RORY: That would be swell of Bruce. LORELAI: I figured your graduation party. RORY: I'll be very popular. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [That night, people are gathered at Miss Patty's studio for a town meeting] TAYLOR: All in favor, say aye. EVERYONE: Aye. TAYLOR: All right, let the record show that the funds have been approved to close the town bank account that holds the town funds in order to open a new town funds bank account at a different banking institution. [Lorelai and Rory walk in] TAYLOR: Young ladies, in anticipation of your tardiness, we saved two seats for you right there in the back. LORELAI: Thanks for thinking of us, Taylor. [they walk up to sit in the front] Whew! Okay, raise your hand if you bathed in cologne. TAYLOR: In the interest of getting home sometime tonight, I'd like to bring up the final point of business, and that is a certain citizen's desire to open an old fashioned soda shop in town. LUKE: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. BABETTE: Who's the guy? LUKE: What other putz would wanna open up an old-fashioned soda shop? TAYLOR: Dispense with the Yiddish, young man. LUKE: This is not a town matter, Taylor. This is a private matter between you and me which was settled when I said no. TAYLOR: This is a town matter because when this town is in need of a particular business to provide necessary services, it's up to the town to band together and lure it. LUKE: How does a stupid soda shop count as a necessary business? TAYLOR: Allow me to show you something that will make you wonder how we ever lived without it. Kirk, if you will. [Kirk pushes a covered table in front of the podium] TAYLOR: Kirk, I told you to get something decorative to cover it. KIRK: Well, my mom wouldn't let me use one of her nice tablecloths so I just grabbed a sheet from my hamper. TAYLOR: Take it off. [Kirk removes the sheet to reveal a miniature model of the proposed soda shop] LUKE: What's that, a toy? MISS PATTY: Oh, it's awfully cute. TAYLOR: That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business. RORY: Wow, there's little people and everything. SOOKIE: They look so real. JACKSON: Hey, it's me holding a tiny zucchini! LORELAI: Look at the horse drawn carriage. TAYLOR: My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It's very eighteen-hundreds. BABETTE: The horse is taller than the front door. LORELAI: Way taller. LUKE: What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses? TAYLOR: It's slightly out of proportion. BABETTE: Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking. TAYLOR: You're missing the big picture here, townsfolk. Now, this wonderful business belongs in Stars Hollow – whether Luke rents the space willingly or not. LUKE: How would I not rent it willingly? TAYLOR: I'm talking about eminent domain, my friend. Check the town's bylaws. If a three-fourths majority finds it necessary to use the space for a specific function, the landowner must concede. LUKE: That's for taking over houses to turn into hospitals during a national emergency like the Civil War. If you wanna turn this place into a Civil War hospital, be my guest! TAYLOR: Some would attest that the succor that my soda shop is going to offer is on the same level as the comfort that a hospital could provide. LUKE: You're gonna need a hospital, Taylor! LORELAI: Hit him! RORY: Which one? LORELAI: Either one, I'm easy. TAYLOR: Come on, Luke. This shop is based on the original soda shop that was in town eighty years ago. Don't you see? You are preventing the town – LUKE: From moving backwards. Who here wants to do that? LORELAI: [in high voice] We like ice cream. LUKE: Oh, come on. RORY: A nice burger from Luke's and an ice cream soda, yum! LUKE: You want that thing? LORELAI: With a cherry. LUKE: With the striped awning and the giant horse? [Lorelai and Rory nod] LUKE: [to Taylor] Be ready to pay through the nose. TAYLOR: We'll talk terms. We have our soda shop everybody! Meeting dismissed. KIRK: Taylor, is it too soon to talk about management opportunities? LORELAI: [to Luke] Hey, you get to be Taylor's landlord, that's kind of cool. LUKE: Thanks for your lack of help. LORELAI: Grump. CUT TO OUTSIDE [As people file out of the town meeting, Lane walks up to Lorelai and Rory] LANE: So, how was lunch with Harvard guy? RORY: Great, he answered all my questions. LORELAI: He makes a killer chicken, he sticks a lemon up its butt. LANE: Nice. RORY: And he gave me excellent tips on how to write my essay. We're very impressed with him. LORELAI: He passes the test. [a boy walks up to Lane] DAVE: Excuse me, Lane? LANE: That's me. DAVE: Okay, great, I'm Dave Rygalski. LANE: Right, hi. You're a guitarist. DAVE: Yeah. LANE: But how'd you know I was me? DAVE: The Dead Kennedys shirt was a tip off. LANE: Good thinking. Hey, uh, isn't it a drag that Jello Biafra isn't singing for them anymore? DAVE: Yeah, now their front-man's that kid from the Courtship of Eddie's Father. LANE: Yeah, what's next – Urkel joining the Wu-Tang Clan? DAVE: Or maybe Malcolm in the Middle fronting for the Butthole Surfers. LANE: Some things are sacred. DAVE: I'm with ya on that. LANE: So, um, what's your band like? DAVE: We do a lot of cool covers – uh, the Clash, the Kinks, et cetera. Statistically, it's like thirty-eight of the forty-three bands you listed. LANE: Nice percentage. DAVE: I can play you a song we demo'd a couple weeks ago using a drum machine. LANE: Great. [he takes some audio equipment out of his bag] What's all this? DAVE: Well, this is a headphone amp and it just boosts the volume and makes the clarity off the hook, and then these are Grado 125s, which is just really, killer, killer portable sound. I'm sort of an audio geek, sorry. LANE: No, don't apologize, I love you. . .for that, for being that way. I love it. Um, I'm like that too. DAVE: You wanna go over to the bench maybe and have a listen? LANE: Yeah. DAVE: Okay. [they walk away] RORY: I think a love song's in their future. LORELAI: With lots of lyrics about snogging. RORY: About what? [Dean walks up behind them] DEAN: Hey. RORY: Hey. [they kiss] You missed everything. LORELAI: That's snogging. RORY: Got it. LORELAI: Bye. [walks away] DEAN: So, any fireworks? RORY: Well, there was a classic Luke/Taylor dispute, but it was resolved and will result in ice cream floats and twenty foot horses. DEAN: Good deal. And what about your lunch? RORY: Oh, it was great. I feel so much better about things now. The application's not freaking me out anymore. DEAN: You look unfreaked. RORY: Well, nothing can stop me now. It's full steam ahead. DEAN: That's great. Can I ask you something? RORY: Of course you can. DEAN: What happens when you leave? RORY: When I leave when? DEAN: When you leave for Harvard. . .do we break up? RORY: Whoa, that was blunt and out of nowhere. DEAN: Well, it seems like we should be blunt right now. RORY: No, we don't break up. Do you want that? DEAN: No, but how will we see each other? RORY: Easy, weekends – that's what they were invented for. DEAN: So you'll come home, do homework all weekend, then leave. RORY: No, I can do my homework during the week or on the train coming home to see you, who I will spend my weekends with not doing homework. Plus, we can talk during the week on the phone constantly. Trust me, it'll feel like I never left. DEAN: Oh yeah? RORY: Christiane Amanpour spends half of her life standing in foxholes in third world countries, and she has a husband and a kid. And she was on C-SPAN last week getting some award, so if she and her husband can make it work, we can. DEAN: So we'll have access to the CNN jet? RORY: No. Or hey, you can go to college in Boston. DEAN: I'm going to junior college. RORY: Boston has junior colleges. DEAN: But not dorm rooms. RORY: Well, you can rent an apartment. DEAN: With the money I get when I win the lottery? I mean, I think access to the CNN jet is more likely. RORY: Why are you being like this? So. . . DEAN: Realistic? RORY: Come on, be serious. DEAN: I am. I am. RORY: That's too serious. DEAN: Yeah, uh, you know, just forget it. Come on, we were gonna go to Luke's, right? RORY: Yeah. DEAN: Let's go to Luke's. [they walk past Lane and Dave on the bench] LANE: It's great, it really is. DAVE: Okay, cool. Well, listen, then I'll talk to the guys, uh, and we'll get together and play next week. LANE: Sure. Um, I've gotta get home. DAVE: All right. Well, uh, it was good meeting you, Lane. LANE: Same here. [Lane takes off her Dead Kennedys shirt; underneath is a shirt that says Trust God] DAVE: Trust God – is that a band? LANE: No. My life. [pan to Lorelai, Sookie, and Jackson] SOOKIE: Oh, come on, you do not like modern art. JACKSON: Oh, then I was mistaken, I guess I don't. I'm a mindless android, I have no opinions. SOOKIE: Well, what kind do you like? LORELAI: Yeah, do you like the kind that looks like someone hemorrhaged on a canvas? JACKSON: Yes, I love hemorrhaging. SOOKIE: Or the sculpture that looks like it was dropped and then glued back together? JACKSON: Actually, the real love of my life is being mercilessly teased by the two of you for simply stating an opinion. LORELAI: Oh, we're sorry. SOOKIE: Yeah, we're sorry. Kisses! JACKSON: Oh, in public, no less. LORELAI: Hey, where's Rory? We need all the girls a-kissing ya. JACKSON: Hey, that reminds me, what are you gonna do with Rory's room? LORELAI: Her room, when? JACKSON: When she's gone. Are you doing anything with it? LORELAI: Well, I haven't thought about it. JACKSON: Well, let me know. We can work something out. LORELAI: You want her room? SOOKIE: For what, your burgeoning modern art collection? JACKSON: I'm talking about my tools. SOOKIE: Oh, your tools, yeah. LORELAI: What tools? JACKSON: I have this collection of antique farming tools that my dad passed down to me. SOOKIE: Pre-Revolutionary War. They're kind of valuable. JACKSON: And I've got no place to put them. I've been looking for the right space. LORELAI: In Rory's room? SOOKIE: It's perfect! LORELAI: But she's got all her stuff in it. JACKSON: Not for long. LORELAI: Yeah, right, not for long. JACKSON: Just think about it. LORELAI: Yeah, I will. I will. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [The phone is ringing] LORELAI: No, no, not another band phone call! RORY: We never gave Lane a cutoff time. LORELAI: Let the machine get it. I cannot talk to another seventeen-year-old whose every other word is ‘uh'. RORY: Not even a word. LORELAI: Exactly. [They stand next to the phone and listen to the machine] DARREN: [on answering machine] Hello, Gilmores! This is Darren Springsteen, how are ya? I just wanted to let you know that I just finished going over Rory's records here, and no shock, they're perfect. Rory, you are tailor-made for Harvard. They're lucky to have you. As far as I'm concerned, you should pack your bags. I'm gonna tell all this to the people in admissions and I'll give your headmaster a call as well, so take care and we'll talk again. Bye-bye. [hangs up] LORELAI: That's fantastic, honey. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: You're in. RORY: Well, not officially. LORELAI: He said pack your bags. RORY: Yeah, cool. LORELAI: So what are you up to today? You have, uh, newspaper stuff to do, right? RORY: Yeah, a ton, and you were going to catch up with some stuff at the inn? LORELAI: Payroll. . . a lot of check signing to do. RORY: Are people waiting for their checks? LORELAI: Kind of. RORY: Right. You know, um, the newspaper stuff can wait ‘til Monday. LORELAI: Really? ‘Cause I can sign the checks tomorrow. RORY: You sure? LORELAI: Absolutely. RORY: So what do you wanna do? LORELAI: I don't know, what do you wanna do? RORY: I don't know, let's just hang. LORELAI: That sounds great. CUT TO TOWN SQUARE [Lorelai and Rory walk down the sidewalk past Luke's. Luke is arguing with Taylor about a sign he is hanging over the proposed soda shop that says "Future Home of Taylor's Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe"] LUKE: You had to have ordered that sign weeks ago! You were that sure that I would cave in? TAYLOR: Well, you did, didn't you? The right's too high. LUKE: And when did it become Taylor's? It said Stars Hollow on the stupid model, and I don't like the extra P and E at the end of shop. Get rid of it! TAYLOR: No. LUKE: I'm your landlord, Taylor. TAYLOR: And as a tenant, I have rights. Talk to my lawyer if you disagree. LUKE: And how are you spelling rights, Taylor? With two E's and three S's? [Lorelai and Rory walk down the street toward the gazebo]
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Act 1 Scene 1 - KACL [Fade in. Frasier is on the air.] Frasier: Gosh, it's been such fun talking about psycho-pharmacological solutions to maladaptive personality traits that I can't believe the three hours is almost gone. Up next is the news followed by... [Roz raps on the window and holds up a note that reads 'BIKE-A-THON".] Frasier: Oh, but Roz is reminding me that next Saturday is the first annual KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon. It's bound to be an afternoon of family, fun, and lots of surprises, so dust off your velocipedes and I'll see you there. [He disconnects and stands up as Kenny comes in.] Kenny: Great pitch, Doc. So, uh, what are the surprises? Frasier: Well, first and foremost: I am not going. Roz: But you just told them you'd see them there. Frasier: Yes, Roz, I'm merely getting the rubes into the tent. I will gladly give my money, but spending the afternoon riding bicycles with a bunch of hooligans is not my idea of fun. Kenny: It's just kids and families. Frasier: Yes, well so was the KACL family picnic at the zoo, until those urchins jostled me into the orangutan grove. Let me tell you: orangutans are not the playful gentlemen of the trees the nature shows claim. [Julia walks in.] Julia: Hello. Kenny: Hey, Julia. Frasier: Julia. Kenny: You're goin' to the Bike-A-Thon, right? Roz: Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny. I mean, it's gotta be tough, finding a comfortable bike seat when you're such a tight-ass. Julia: This from a woman who "peddles" her ass all over town. [Roz starts for her.] Roz: Okay, lady... [Frasier grabs Roz and pulls her back.] Frasier: All right, stalemate. Well done, well done. Keep moving, come on. [He ushers her back to her booth.] Kenny: So, Bike-A-Thon, you're in, right? Julia: Nah, I can't be bothered, I'll just send a check. Kenny: Oh, cheese and rice, what's wrong with you people? Julia: Relax, Kenny, I'm just pulling your leg. How can I not go? This is funding AIDS research, for God's sake. I know you think I'm heartless and self centered, but at least give me credit for being human. Kenny: Well, Frasier's not goin'. [Frasier lets out a forced, fake laugh.] Frasier: What? Kenny, come on! I was pulling your leg too! I tell you what, we should have a fund raiser for your sense of humor. All right, I'll see you there. [He claps Kenny on the back, then crosses through Roz's side of the booth.] Roz: You're pathetic. Frasier: I know. [He exits. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Building [Fade in. Martin is hurrying to catch the elevator.] Martin: Hold it! [He hurries and presses the button so the doors open again. He steps inside, then notices the other person. It is Cora Winston, the mother of Frasier's upstairs neighbor, last seen in [9.24] "The Love You Fake." Martin: Cora. Hi. Cora: Marty. [The doors close and the elevator starts up. Martin looks nervous, Cora looks firmly ahead.] Martin: Visiting your son? Cora: Yes. Martin: Cora, I'm sorry, but I gotta ask you. What happened? I thought we had a pretty nice thing, but then you stopped returning my calls. Cora: Why don't you ask your other girlfriend? Martin: What other girlfriend? Cora: That bizarre English lady who told me to leave you alone. Because she was in the British Secret Service and had a license to kill. [The doors open.] Cora: Here's your stop. Martin: Oh, geez, that was Daphne's mother. She had a thing for me, but it was never mutual. [The doors close and the elevator continues.] Martin: Did she show you a badge? Always ask to see a badge. Cora: I knew she wasn't a secret agent. But she was pretty convincing about the two of you. Martin: Oh, Cora, I'm so sorry. It's not true. [The doors open again and they step out into the foyer on Cam's floor.] Cora: I'm sorry too. I should have asked about her. Martin: Well, hey, it's cleared up now. Maybe we could pick up where we left off. Or skip ahead, your choice. Cora: That would've been nice, but I've been seeing someone lately. Martin: Oh, sure, of course you have. Stupid of me. Cora: But I'm very glad to see you again. Please give Eddie my love. Martin: Oh, yeah. He'll be sorry he missed you. He liked your ankles. [She goes into Cam's apartment. When the door closes, Martin smacks his cane against the floor in frustration, then turns and mashes the button for the elevator, furious. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Gertrude and Daphne are on the couch. Niles is leaning against the table behind it. Frasier hurries in.] Frasier: Oh, sorry for the hold up, guys. Ah, listen, I think it's best if we take separate cars to the flower show. See, later I have to go buy a bicycle. [Daphne gets up and heads to the kitchen.] Niles: For whom? Frasier: Well, for me. I've been dragooned into riding for the KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon. Niles: Poor devil, spending the day on a bike. I don't envy you. [He starts seriously, but a malicious grin breaks through. Daphne sticks her head out of the kitchen.] Daphne: Niles, why don't we enter the Bike-A-Thon? [She ducks back into the kitchen, leaving Niles stunned and nervous. He looks to Frasier, who is grinning.] Frasier: You had to see that coming. [Daphne comes out of the kitchen.] Daphne: We can all go to the shop together, after the flower show. Niles: Sure, why not. Gertrude: Oh, you two would look so cute on matching bicycles. Niles: I guess it would be a kick, eh Frasier? Gertrude: Not you two, ya nit! You and Daphne. [Martin comes in, slams the door and points at Gertrude.] Martin: You! Gertrude: Hello. Martin: I just had a very interesting discussion with Cora Winston. Seems someone claiming to be my girlfriend scared her off. Gertrude: Oh dear. Is she the woman from the bookstore? Martin: No. The bookstore?! Daphne: Mum, is this true? Gertrude: Well, I'm sure I don't know what Marty's talking about, but it was probably back when we were an item. Martin: We were NEVER an item! Now I would like for you to leave. Frasier: Now Dad, calm down. I'm sure you can talk this over with Cora and have a good laugh afterwards. Martin: Ha ha! Very funny. Now that she's practically married to this guy. Gertrude: [rising] Oh, Martin, I'm sorry. I guess didn't realize... Martin: Apology not accepted. You went too far, we are no longer speaking. Gertrude: Marty... Niles: No, no, Mrs. Moon. Mrs. Moon...shut up. [He ushers her out the door.] Frasier: Uh, Dad, we're leaving now. We're going over to the flower show and after that we're going to a sporting goods store to buy a couple of bikes. Martin: Nice try, Fras, but I'm too mad to laugh. [Frasier, nonplussed, just closes the door behind him. Fade out.] Scene 4 - The Sporting Goods Store [Fade in. Frasier and Niles are with a salesman, looking over a selection of bikes.] Niles: This one has good lines. You have any without this bar here? Salesman: You mean girl's bikes. Sure. Niles: Good. 'Cause my wife's a girl and she'll need one of those. Salesman: Nice. Maybe I'll go see how she's doing. [He walks off. Niles covers his face.] Frasier: Niles, we can't stall much longer. I mean, one seems as good as the next, is there anything else we need? Niles: Hmm, let me see. Oh, yes, I know. We need to know HOW TO RIDE THEM! Frasier: Shh! We will learn. Niles: Oh, as easy as that? Look at these machines, Frasier. These are BICYCLES! There is nothing between you and the ground but the ground itself. Frasier: Yes! And if a child of FOUR can ride one, then so can we. Niles: That's what we said when we were six! If Daphne finds out, she'll probably... [He breaks off as a man in biking gear comes over to look at the bikes they're standing at.] Frasier: Metal spokes. I like that. Niles: I should buy the horn separately. Frasier: Uh-huh. [The man walks away.] Niles: That was close. Frasier: Niles, I am not going to look like an idiot at that Bike-A-Thon. Tonight, I am going to a parking lot and come hell or high water, I am going to master cycling. You're welcome to join me. Niles: I guess I could sneak out. Perhaps it's time to slay the dragon. Frasier: That's the stuff, brother. [The customer comes over by them again.] Niles: Call me crazy, but I like a bouncy tire. Frasier: Two bouncy tires and a...taut chain. That's good ridin'. [They smile bravely until the customer heads off again.] Niles: Where did you learn all that? That was really good. Frasier: Just a matter of confidence, Niles. [SMASH CUT TO - Frasier's apartment, later that night. Frasier comes in the front, struggling with his new bike and muttering. Niles is behind him.] Niles: All a matter of confidence, he says. [Frasier turns the lights on to reveal that they are covered with scratches and bruises.] Frasier: Yes, well perhaps two people who don't know how to ride bikes shouldn't try to teach each other. Niles: A good teacher doesn't yell at his student. Frasier: Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student! [Niles clutches his knee.] Niles: I thought it would make you try harder. Frasier: Oh, you're going to make a hell of a dad! Niles: Oh, what are we going to do? Frasier: Let's not panic. We still have two days before the Bike-A-Thon. Surely the library has shelves devoted to this topic. Niles: I don't have time for that! Daphne wants to go biking tomorrow afternoon. Frasier: Well, then you're just going to have to tell her that you don't know how to ride. Niles: I can't! It's too late! If I was going to do that, I should have done it at the bike store. But NOOO! You, YOU said we could teach ourselves! You said no one would be the wiser! [As he continues to shout, Frasier makes calming gestures.] Frasier: Niles... Niles: "Two bouncy tires and a taut chain" you said! Frasier: Niles... Niles: And now look! My spokes are bent, my pants are stuck, and there's blood on the headlight, and blood everywhere... [He breaks down as Frasier tries to comfort him.] Frasier: Niles, that wasn't your fault. That jogger should have been wearing a reflective vest. Come on. Come and sit down. I'm going to get you a nice sherry. [He heads for the sherry. Niles tries to move, but his pants are still stuck in the chain so he carries the bike with him. Fade out.] Act 2 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa [Fade in. Niles is sitting at a table, Frasier is getting coffee at the counter. Roz comes up behind him.] Roz: Hi, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, hi Roz. You're welcome to join me and Niles. Roz: Oh, I can't. I'm on my way to meet Alice and her sitter. Alice wants to practice riding her bicycle for Saturday. Frasier: Really? Roz: Mm-hm, she loves it. I mean, she had that bike one day before she made me take her training wheels off. Frasier: Tell me, does she ever find that she feels as though her feet are frozen to the pedals? Stuck in a confused, arrhythmic battle between forward and reverse, until finally, with no locomotive momentum whatsoever, she keels over like a felled tree? Roz: I don't think so. Frasier: Well good, good. Because... that's a real thing that happens to some kids. [He sits down with Niles as Roz steps to the counter. Daphne and Gertrude come in.] Daphne: Hey, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, hello Daphne, Mrs. Moon. [They all say hello to each other as the ladies sit.] Daphne: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Niles: What is it? Daphne: Someone stole our new bikes. Niles: My God, are you sure? [to waiter] Can I get a refill? That's terrible. Frasier: You know, that's curious. Niles, didn't that salesman say nothing could break those titanium locks? Niles: You're right. I must not have locked them properly. Foolish Niles. Gertrude: You know, I spotted a couple of bikes in the storage room, behind the furnace. Perhaps you could borrow those. Niles: No, I don't think so. The theft has soured me on the whole bike experience and what were you doing behind the furnace anyway? Gertrude: Drinking. [Martin walks up to the table.] Martin: Hello Daphne, Niles, Frasier. Gertrude: Hello, Martin. Martin: How are the three of you doin'? Mind if I join you? Niles: Sure. [Martin pulls another chair up to the table.] Gertrude: Oh, you're not still angry at me, are you? Martin: Coffee please. [Roz stops on her way out.] Roz: Hi. Niles: Hey, Roz. Roz: Wow, everybody's here today. Martin: Yeah, grab a seat, I'd love to have a lady sit next to me. [Gertrude looks very put out.] Roz: Thanks, I can't. I'm on my way to the park. I just got a call from the babysitter. Alice did a wheelie! [The others all sound happy at this.] Roz: Well, I'll see you guys later. Frasier: That's great, Roz. Bye-bye. [She leaves.] Frasier: Well, someone's raising a real little showoff. Martin: Now, now, not everyone was meant to ride a bike. Daphne: What does that mean? Martin: Well, I'm just saying my boys are good at other things. Indoor things. [Daphne casts a suspicious look at Frasier.] Daphne: Oh, no. You don't mean... Niles: Yes, Daphne. Frasier doesn't know how to ride a bike. Frasier: Well, neither do you! Niles: Frasier! Frasier: Well, she was bound to find out! [to Daphne] We never learned. Martin: I tried teachin' 'em, but I had to take them to the hospital so many times, social services started sniffin' around. Niles: All these years, it's been our secret shame. Frasier: Yes, and it hasn't been easy concealing it, either. People are always saying in conversation "It's just like riding a bike." I can smile, and nod. But I only understand it in theory. Niles: We tried to teach ourselves last night. Frasier: Oh, can you imagine a sadder tableaux: two grown men trying to gain mastery over a child's toy and failing miserably. Niles: Even more pathetic: a grown man faking the theft of his and his wife's bicycles. I disgust myself. I'm so sorry, Daphne. Daphne: Niles, you've no need to apologize. Lots of people don't know how to ride. Niles: Really? Gertrude: No. Daphne: It doesn't matter. I can take you to the park and teach you. I'll teach you both. Frasier: Really, Daphne? Daphne: Yes. Niles: Daphne, I adore you. [He kisses her.] Gertrude: No, seriously. Who? Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Niles: You know, I'm afraid my bike may be too damaged to ride. Daphne: So we'll borrow one from someone in the building. I promise you, you two are going to learn how to ride bikes. Martin: You're a good wife, Daphne. And I'll bet you were a good daughter when your mother was alive. [Gertrude crosses her arms and glares at him while everyone else tries to not be involved. Fade out.] Scene 2 - The Park [SCENE_BREAK] CYCOLOGY [Fade in. Frasier is there with his bike, Niles is on a grade-school bike with high handlebars and a banana seat. Daphne is standing just off the path.] Frasier: Helmet. Niles: Check. Frasier: Pads. Niles: Check. Frasier: Cup. [Frasier adjusts his athletic supporter, but Niles touches the sport bottle on the handlebars.] Niles: Check. Daphne: All right. Now remember: keep your eyes open and pedal quickly. I just want to get an idea of your individual skill levels. All right, everyone ready? And...go! [The boys lift their feet up to the pedals, but don't push off or pedal. They twitch for an instant, then fall against each other, propped up. Being on the shorter bike, Niles is about elbow high with Frasier.] Daphne: Okay, good start. Now, let's try again, but this time further apart. [Frasier pulls his bike away from Niles'.] Frasier: Okay. I think this is going to be all right. Niles: Yes, this isn't so bad. Daphne: All right. And...go! [The boys bring their feet up, then put them right back down for balance. After a couple of false starts, they start moving forward, terrified looks on their faces. Daphne watches them, smiling.] Daphne: Yes, very good. [Her expression quickly becomes worried as there are sounds of crashing and pain. She starts forward, darting from side to side, unsure which of them needs help more. Music from "The Barber of Seville" begins playing as we see a montage of Niles and Frasier trying desperately.] [N.B. This theme was also used in the 1979 Oscar-winning film "Breaking Away" about an American small-town teenager who becomes so obsessed with a team of Italian bike race champions that he creates an Italian persona for himself, including listening to Rossini's operas.] [Frasier seems to be getting along, until he sees a tree. Focusing on it with a horrified look, he crashes into it and falls down. Daphne is running alongside Niles on his small bike. They pass behind a hedge and only Daphne and the bike emerge. Daphne stops and looks around for her husband. Frasier again crashes into the tree and falls over. Niles is exhausted and reaches for the sports bottle. However, he is unable to get it loose. Later, he unwraps a power bar to eat. But he pulls the wrapper all the way down and his snack falls to the ground while Frasier watches. He opens the spout on the sports bottle and picks the bike upright so he can drink from it. Niles and Daphne are at the "killer tree", urging Frasier to the side. He makes the turn and avoids the tree, looking happy. Niles and Daphne cheer him on, then watch him circle around until they have to quickly move aside before Frasier once more strikes the tree head on and ends up on the ground. Daphne again runs alongside Niles. They disappear behind the hedge, the music reaches its finale... and this time Niles emerges alone on the bike, smiling triumphantly. Daphne jumps up and down and claps her hands, proud and happy. The music ends. Now that Niles has learned, they focus on Frasier.] Frasier: It's that damned sycamore! It's got a magnetic hold on me. Daphne: That's because you keep focusing on it. Whatever you do, put it out of your mind. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. Niles: You're a cloud, scudding across a clear blue sky. Frasier: I'm a cloud. [He takes off again.] Niles: You're a cloud. A cloud... [Frasier looks worried for a moment, but manages to swerve away from the tree.] Frasier: I AM a cloud! I'm flying! Look, I'm riding a bike. [He's ecstatic, but is soon passed by a young girl on a bike with training wheels, then a pregnant woman jogging, then a gray-haired man on a razor scooter. Nonetheless, he seems happy at his accomplishment. The finale of the music repeats. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. The doorbell rings and Martin hurries to answer as it rings again.] Martin: I heard ya. I'm comin'. [He opens the door to reveal Gertrude, holding some flowers and a sandwich.] Gertrude: Hello. [Martin slams the door in her face and starts walking away. She pounds on the door and he goes back again.] Martin: Oh, geez! [He opens the door and speaks before she can.] Martin: Look. I'm sorry. I'm still ticked. I'm not proud of it, but I have to do the right thing and that means hold this grudge. Gertrude: Ah! You're talking to me. I knew you would. [He slams the door in her face again. Cut to - the entryway as she turns around. Cora is just coming off the elevator.] Gertrude: Oh, you're here to see Marty? Cora: Actually, I think not. [She turns away.] Gertrude: Look, no. This isn't what it looks like. I'm here to apologize. But since he's not talking to me, I guess I can say me piece to you. Now, first of all, don't be scared. I'm not a secret agent and I don't have a license to kill. Back when I said all that to you, I wasn't really in me right mind, anyway. I mean, I'd just separated from me husband and...well, maybe I hoped Marty would be some kind of...knight in shining armor. But we were never a couple, though. Cora: It was a pretty rotten thing you did. Gertrude: Yes, I know, dear, just awful. In me defense, I've done much worse. And besides, between you and the girl at the bookstore, I liked you better. [Cora looks a little confused at this. Cut to - inside the apartment. Martin is relaxing in his chair when the doorbell rings. Rolling his eyes, he gets up.] Martin: Sonovabitch! [He goes to the door and opens it to reveal Cora holding the flowers and sandwich, a big smile on her face.] Martin: Cora! Hi, come on in. [She enters and hands him the things and he sets them on the table behind the couch.] Cora: Hi. I ran into a friend of yours. Martin: Oh, she's no friend of mine. Cora: Well, she had some nice things to say about you. Maybe we could talk about it at dinner tomorrow. Martin: I thought you were seeing someone. Cora: I don't see him here. Martin: I guess not. Pick you up at seven? Cora: Seven it is. So...who's this girl from the bookstore? Martin: See you tomorrow. [He ushers her out the door and shakes his fist in a victory gesture. Fade out.] Scene 4 - The Bike-A-Thon [Fade in. Lots of people are lined up under a banner marked Start and Finish. Frasier and Niles are at the front, Niles still with his borrowed bicycle.] Martin: Never thought I'd see the day. This is really somethin'. Frasier: Thanks Dad. Daphne: That's right. You faced your fears and you bested them. Niles: Yeah, thanks to you. [He gives her a kiss.] Niles: And who knows? Maybe this is just be the beginning. There are still mountains to conquer. The diving board, for instance. Frasier: Or cartwheels. Martin: Be careful out there, Son. Frasier: I will, Dad. Thanks. I guess I better go take my place, huh? Martin: Okay. [Frasier wheels his bike over to where Kenny and Julia are waiting.] Frasier: Kenny, Julia. Kenny: Hey, Doc. Julia: Hi. Frasier: So, have a good ride. Kenny: Not gonna happen. These shorts are already bunchin' me somethin' fierce. Excuse me. [He gets off his bike to get more comfortable.] Frasier: Pretty exciting. Julia: Thrilling. You don't mind if we don't ride together, do you? I like to go at my own pace. Frasier: No, not at all. You don't have to feel like you have to keep up. [She laughs at this.] Julia: Right. Well, what do you say we make it interesting? Frasier: What did you have in mind? Julia: Last one across the finish line doubles the other's pledges. Frasier: You're on. And I look forward to watching you write that big fat check. Niles: Frasier! Remember: keep your eye on the road and don't fixate on anything you can crash into. Frasier: Right! Niles: Good luck! [Frasier gives Niles a thumbs up as the starter pistol goes off. The crowd cheers as the cyclists start off.] Julia: Boy, I hope I can steer around that big mailbox right there. Ciao! [She speeds off. Frasier starts out, but, cursed by her suggestion, focuses on the mailbox and rides straight into it. As he falls to the sidewalk, Roz and Alice come riding up.] Roz: Frasier? Alice: Are you okay? Frasier: I'll be all right. Why don't you guys go ahead. I'll catch up to you. Roz: Okay. [She and Alice ride off. Frasier gets back on his bike and gets going.] Frasier: Oh, lord. Pardon me. Beep beep! Oh, gosh, no. Oh, dear God! [Frasier doesn't get very far, circling back and crashing into the mailbox once more. This time he manages to keep to his feet as the bike falls to the ground. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] It is late and dark. An exhausted Frasier comes around the last corner and manages, finally, to finish the course. He throws up his hands in victory. He wheels the bike over to a trash barrel, picks it up and throws it on top, only to scurry back as it falls towards him. He finally just flees from the whole scene.
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OLIVIA POPE's APARTMENT Olivia: Why are you here? You can't be here. Fitz: I didn't kill Amanda Tanner. Olivia: I know. Her baby it wasn't yours. But it could have been. Fitz: Really? You really want me to detail for you how and where and in what positions Amanda Tanner and I had s*x? Would that help make you feel better? 'Cause I'll do it. Olivia: No. Fitz: You left me. I was unhappy. She was there. One time. I-- I made a mistake. Olivia: I don't want to talk about it. You cheated on your mistress with your girlfriend. Let's just leave it at that. Fitz: She wasn't my girlfriend. Don't you ever call yourself a mistress. We both know better. Olivia: Why are you here? Fitz: Cyrus got this in the mail a week ago. It's a s*x tape. I'm on it. I need you to hear it. Olivia: I definitely don't want to hear you and Amanda Tanner having s*x. Fitz: Olivia. I need you to listen to this. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Fitz: Well, there's no way to sugarcoat it. We got our ass handed to us by Sally Langston in Iowa last night. So, anyone have any great ideas? Anyone? Jeannine: We have to swing farther right. We haven't said a thing about gay marriage, school prayer- Fitz: Oh, come on. It's not our stances on the issues. We are not getting our message out there. People don't know where I stand. The problem is-- Olivia: Your marriage. It looks like you don't screw your wife Which would be fine, except that family values matter to Republicans. It's why they vote for who they vote for. And since Sally's got Jesus firmly on her side, that just leaves family. Marriage. And yours, whatever the truth may be from the outside, it looks cold, distant, dead. Where is your wife, by the way? People want to like who they're voting for. Voters thought Al Gore was a big stiff until he stuck his tongue down Tipper's throat. They put George W. in office because he and Laura seemed like a fun couple to have a beer with. People have to want to invite you in for dinner; and right now, you and your wife are standing in their doorway, not looking at each other, letting in the cold air. That's why you lost Iowa. It's why you'll lose New Hampshire. Fitz: And you are? Olivia: Olivia. Pope. Fitz: Fire her. Cyrus: Ah, she's great, right? A pistol. Lives for her work, a political nun, best student I ever had. Fitz: Fire her. Cyrus: 'Cause she said what every staffer on your campaign was afraid to say? Fitz: Just get rid of her. Olivia: I'll charge my hotel room to the campaign. Don't worry. I haven't had a chance to raid the hotel minibar. Liv best of luck, Governor. Cyrus: Let's be clear about something. I run a sausage factory. Fitz: Which makes me ... sausage? Cyrus: Handsome, highly qualified, smart, idealistic, and energetic sausage. The stump, the electrifying speeches, the baby kissing that's all you. The nitty-gritty, morally bankrupt, back-alley-brawling rest of the game, that's me. It's filthy and thankless, and it's my hallelujah, heroin, and reason to breathe. And you, you don't have half the stomach for it, so you go and you make nice with Olivia Pope. Get her back, or you can find another sausage maker. Fitz: Ms.Pope? Ms. Pope, wait. I, I apologize for firing you. Olivia: Why? Fitz: Why do I apologize? Olivia: Why did you fire me? I had a job, a paying job, from which I took a leave of absence to do a favor for my friend Cyrus because I am good. I am brilliant. I would eat, breathe, and live Fitzgerald Grant every minute of every day. You would be lucky to have me. Just because you don't like hearing the truth about yourself- Fitz: I loved hearing what you had to say. I agree with every word. Very astute. And you're right. I would be lucky to have you. Look ... Olivia: This is why you fired me ... Fitz: Can we just...? Olivia: Go back in there and work. Fitz: Okay. Olivia: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN PANCAKE BREAKFAST / OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz: Oh, it's perfect to meet you. Yeah, thank you for having us. How are you, Sally? Hi. Olivia: Put down the butter. Abby: I don't know what you're talking about. Olivia: I can hear my mixer again, Abby. Butter won't fix it. Abby: So are you a rabid Republican yet? Hello? Liv? Olivia: He's got ... something I can work with. Abby: Go to it then. You don't have to check on me every day. I'm not deranged. I'm just divorced. Olivia: So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get out of my kitchen. Call my friend Stephen. He's fun. Abby: Stop trying to get laid. Maybe I'll buy a gun. Olivia: Ohh-kay. Bye! Cyrus: Ooh, he's good, our boy. You'd never know he's dying to rip Langston's throat out. Olivia: If only he were that good at faking it with his wife we wouldn't be losing. Amanda: Schedule of events? Olivia: Thanks. Cyrus: What's your name? Amanda: Amanda. Cyrus: Thanks, Amanda. I don't care which campaign you're volunteering for, I want to thank you for coming out today. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE David: Alissa, cancel your plans. We're working late tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Quinn: Mm. This is really good. Gideon: I know. Quinn: No, I mean like award-winning good, like you should quit your job. 'Cause let's face it, you're kind of a crap reporter. Gideon: Mm-hmm. Quinn: Go out on the road in your car and sell this grilled cheese. Wait. You have a car, right? 'Cause I can't date you if you don't have a car. Gideon: I have a car. I also ... I have ... A deadline tomorrow. Quinn: Oh. Yeah, I sh- I'm sorry. I should go. Gideon: No. No. I didn't mean that. You shouldn't go. You should stay. I just have to work for a couple of hours, but you should stay here, naked. And beautiful. And here, in my bed. Stay here. Please. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE David: Ah, did you get moo shu chicken? No wonder it took you so long. How do you even walk in those? Alissa: I got whatever you ordered. And these shoes aren't made for walking. They are made for getting me laid, specifically, they are for the very hot bartender at the Black Cat, where I would be having a drink right now if I didn't happen to work for an obsessive-compulsive slave driver who makes me fetch him dinner at 10:30 on a Thursday night. David: You know, if you spent less time at the Black Cat and more time studying for the bar exam, you wouldn't be fetching your boss anything because at law firms, they have assistants for that. Alissa: Lots of lawyers fail the bar. David: All lawyers pass the bar. That's what makes them lawyers. Alissa, eat something. We have a murder to solve. Alissa: No, we don't. Coroner says it's a suicide, and the police agree with her, which is why I went home two hours ago, because work was over. David: Amanda Tanner. 27. Single. 13 weeks pregnant. Worked as an aide at the Grant White House till just a couple weeks ago when she abruptly resigned and botched a suicide attempt. Then she becomes a client of Olivia Pope's, and we pull her dead body out of the river. Don't you find that interesting? Well, pretend you do, for me. Now if you did happen to find any of this remotely fascinating, incongruous, intriguing, worthy of our time, what's the first question you might ask about Amanda Tanner? Alissa: Well, um, who in the White House would want her dead? [SCENE_BREAK] PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN STOP Mellie: You canceled all our events for the next two days? Yes. Fitz: The primary's in less than a week. We can't miss two days of campaigning. Cyrus: New Hampshire's a small state. Mellie: I have a literacy fund-raiser in nashua tomorrow. I can't possibly cancel that. Olivia: That's why I canceled it for you. Mellie: Maybe I'm dense, but I have to confess, I don't really know what you want from us. Olivia: First off, I'd like you to actually talk to each other. Mellie: We talk all the time, Ms. Pope. Not to each other, you don't. House parties, town hall meetings, baseball games you barely look at each other. Mellie: Fine. We will add a couple of events to the schedule where we are together. Olivia: That won't do it. You two need to be a couple. A believable, loving, dedicated couple. Or you might as we throw it in right now. Why don't we give you two a moment? Fitz: Why are you fighting this? It's what you wanted. It's what you've always wanted. Mellie: What I wanted? You are the one running for President. Fitz: Oh, please, like you're not running for First Lady? You're dying to get into that White House. You're practically redecorating already. Mellie: Okay, there it is. I am the ambitious monster. I'm the Iron Lady. I have done everything for you! I have sacrificed my career for you. I have had kids for you. There is not a single thing in my life I have not given up so that you could be President! Fitz: I never asked you for any of that. Mellie: And all I get in turn is this perpetual resentment! Fitz: So what would you prefer? That I ignore you? That we don't talk at all? 'Cause that's pretty much how it's been the past few years, and that's worked okay. Mellie: Now you're just being juvenile. Fitz: Look, we BOTH know... Cyrus: This is why they don't talk to each other. Fitz: No ... 'Cause you're afraid it would get out and kill us politically. Mellie: If they found out, we'd be dead in the water! Fitz: Fine! Then if living on Pennsylvania Avenue is that important to you, we better suck it up and start acting like this isn't a dead marriage! [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN STOP James: Governor, you're 5 points down in New Hampshire. Taking time out from the primary for a parent-teacher conference isn't that a little risky? Fitz: If it's a choice between losing touch with your family and losing a primary. That's not really a choice, is it? [SCENE_BREAK] PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PREPARATION Olivia: You can't wear this tie on morning TV. Fitz: What? Olivia: It's too distracting. Take it off. Give me your tie, please. Give me your tie. Take it off. Off, off, off, off. Thank you. Okay. Fitz: You decide who you're voting for? Olivia: I'm apolitical. Fitz: You don't sleep, you rip ties off innocent bystanders for me, you're killing yourself 24/7 to get me elected, and I don't even have your vote. Olivia: Well, you're gonna need to earn it, like any other candidate. [SCENE_BREAK] INTERVIEW WITH FITZ & MELLIE Reporter: If my research is right, you were first in your class at Harvard Law. Mellie: That's right. Oh, and uh, Fitz did fine, too. Cyrus: Not bad. Olivia: They're still not touching. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN ICE CREAM SOCIAL Fitz: One more. There you go. One more. Mellie: Very good job. Olivia: That's great. Mellie: It's your turn. It's your turn, Fitz. Fitz: Okay, it's my turn. Mm-hmm. Delicious! Olivia: Oh, wipe it off ... Wipe it off. Cyrus: Wipe it off. Olivia: Wipe it. Wipe it off. Wipe it off, Mellie. Come on. Cyrus: Come on. Fitz: Oh. Thank you. Olivia: Perfect. Mellie: Ice cream, anyone? [SCENE_BREAK] LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Sally: Ugh! Who in the holy hell is running that campaign? Billy: As far as I know, they haven't made any official changes. Sally: Oh, yeah? That is a big, old pile of dung, Billy Chambers, and you know it. That is not the Fitzgerald Grant I ran against in Iowa. That is a candidate, Billy. A down-home, charming, red-blooded candidate who's stealing my votes. Hell, I'm halfway to voting for him. Now I want to find out who's responsible so we can see what we're dealing with here. Billy: I'm on it. Sally: Billy, it is not in God's plan that I lose New Hampshire. Billy: Senator, I promise you, we will not lose New Hampshire. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN STOP (NEW HAMPSHIRE) Fitz: I'm a little superstitious, so we're not gonna have any victory speeches until tomorrow night, after everyone's voted. But for now, I just really want to say thank you. Okay? Thanks. It's all you guys. Fitz: Olivia Pope I don't know how you do it. Olivia: Oh, if we're passing out credit, Governor, you and Mellie deserve most of it. You two seem to be doing much better. Fitz: I think you underestimate how good a politician I am. Cyrus: We're not gonna win New Hampshire. Fitz: What are you talking about? The polls have us up by- Cyrus: Story's coming out in the morning paper, 6:00 A.M. They'll be reading about it over their damn coffee, right before they vote. Olivia: What story? What's coming out? Cyrus: Mellie's having an affair. [SCENE_BREAK] RESTAURANT BAR TV: Senator Sally Langston won the New Hampshire Republican primary Tuesday, with 98% of the precincts reporting. Most attribute the voters' change of heart to new allegations that Governor Grant's wife is involved in an extramarital affair. Billy: Now you can't blame this one on me. You did a hell of a job with those two. The thing is, this isn't a story that goes away. You know, you can't spin a dead marriage. Sally and Doug, on the other hand ... they're like a couple of teenagers who can't keep their hands off each other. It's kinda gross, actually. Olivia: Billy Chambers. Billy: Thanks for meeting me, Olivia. Olivia: What do you want? Billy: Concede before South Carolina, and we'll give you the V.P. slot. Olivia: I'll take my check. Billy: Come on. You and I on the same team? We'd be unstoppable. We could play the spin machine, wrangle reporters, have nice meals on the trail. Do you like barbecue? Olivia: Are you asking me to concede or out on a date? Billy: Maybe a little bit of both. Olivia: I hate barbecue. Billy: You're awfully confident for someone who's got no cards left to play. Olivia: Oh, I always have cards left to play. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS / WASHINGTON D.C. STREET Fitz: This is the man who's gonna save my campaign? Olivia: Governor, if they look like weapons, they're hard to keep secret. Huck: You're late. Olivia: Blame this guy. Cyrus, give us a minute. Huck, are you ready to reenter the real world today? Mellie: Is he wearing pants? Huck: Paul Mosley. Literacy policy advisor for- Mellie: We all know who he is. He was advising me on literacy. But that's it. End of story. I would never- Fitz: Honey, it's not necessary. We believe you. Huck: They were following you. Did you know that? Mellie: What? Huck: A guy like me, but, like, cleaner, has been following you for over seven months. Taking these photos, gathering evidence to use against you, just waiting for the chance. Fitz: How'd you get these? Huck: Anything digital, it's all just out there. Patterns of ones and zeros waiting to be gotten. Cyrus: All these late night meetings it doesn't look good. Olivia: And the story's picking up traction because Mosley's not denying it. Cyrus: They must be paying him off. Huck: I pulled up all his financials. His password is "literacy." Olivia: What's he got? Swiss accounts? Cayman Islands? Huck: Uh, just small amounts. Uh, tiny step productions. Here's another $4. 19. Cyrus: Hardly damning. Keep looking. Huck: Well, small payments are interesting, too. Fitz: Why is that? Huck: Well, he's been getting quarterly payments from Tiny Step Productions. Tiny ones going back 30 years. Olivia: You ready to try something new? Abby: I was thinking of going savory, but what's up? [SCENE_BREAK] TINY STEP PRODUCTIONS OFFICE Abby: Excuse me. Receptionist: Hello. Abby: What do you do here? Receptionist: We're a feature film company. Abby: Oh? What kind of films? Receptionist: Specialty films, ma'am. Abby: Like educational or ... [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Cyrus: No way! James: No, no way what? Cyrus: You lost your seat on the bus when you ran that Mosley- Mellie affair nonsense of a story without even running it by me. James: I called for comment. You didn't pick up. Cyrus: I expected more from you, James. James: Don't bully me for doing my job, Cy. "Times" ran that story, too. Cyrus: Claire, you're off the bus, too. Ask James why. Fitz: Hey, Liv? Olivia: Yeah. Fitz: We on top of this, getting this guy to come clean? Olivia: I'm on it. Fitz: What does that mean, "you're on it"? Olivia: I got a guy. Fitz: You got a guy? Another guy? Hells angel? Mobster? A kindhearted felon who owes you a favor? Olivia: Technically, he's on probation. [SCENE_BREAK] PAUL MOSLEY'S HOUSE TV: Don't forget the little pinkie toe. Mm! Mwah! Mm! Harrison: Toe sucking not my thing, but I admire the technique, no matter the application. And you, Paul Mosley, a.k.a. Brock "The Mouth" Stone hahaha! You got mad skills. You commit. Paul: Get the hell out of my house. Harrison: No wonder they made eight sequels of "Twinkle Toes on Parade." Paul: I'm calling the cops. Harrison: Save your minutes. I already did. I figured they'd need a patrol or two to manage the media circus that's gonna be tearing up your front lawn in about four minutes. You see this, your toe-sucking highness, is your golden opportunity to fervently deny any remotely romantic involvement with Mellie Grant before you are a national joke and the entire literacy community that holds you in such high esteem reads all about your lengthy and decorated career as an artist of toe-rotica. Wow! Can I get an amen, Paul? [SCENE_BREAK] REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, SOUTH CAROLINA Sally: We have the technology. We should aerial drone the hell out of our Southern borders and protect our legal citizens. Unless, of course, governor grant wants to open up his Santa Barbara ranch for amnesty ... Kendal: The next question is for you, Governor Grant. Your marriage has received a lot of attention during this primary campaign. And while allegations of infidelity have been dismissed, criticism lingers amongst voters. Why do you think that is? Cyrus: We knew it was coming. Fitz: I think that a lot gets lost in translation between real life and packaged news footage. You can't capture 20 years of marriage in a in a snapshot. You can't capture chemistry with a photo op. I know what some people perceive and what the ... the whispers are, but ... The most honest thing that I can tell you about myself right now, Kendal, is that I'm a man in love with an incredible woman. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL ELEVATOR Cyrus: There's the man! Crowd: Whoo! Cyrus: Congratulations! Crowd: Congratulations! Yeah! Uh-huh! Whoo! [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hi. This is Gideon Wallace from "The D.C. Sun." We spoke last week about Amanda Tanner in 3-B. Yes, I do know what time it is. Hey, I know it's late, but I- do you know who's looking after Amanda's dog? I think it's a golden retriever. Do you know who's watching it for her? Her boyfriend? Really? [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: Look at these logs. This girl is signing into the White House at the crack of dawn and signing out in the wee hours, every day. You know what I think? I think work and play overlapped. Think about it. She never goes home, so where's she doing it? The White House, that's where. Oh, like you wouldn't. David: So she was sleeping with someone in the White House, as apparently, any red-blooded American would. Alissa: And plus, it's gotta be someone in the parts of the West Wing she's logging into. David: Come on. Alissa: That totally narrows it down. David: To 57 employees of the male persuasion. So the question remains who's her baby daddy? Alissa: Did you just say "baby daddy"? [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Olivia: I need the latest poll numbers for Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Arkansas, Oklahoma. Woman: I'm on it. Olivia: Super Tuesday is coming, people, and it's gonna kill us if we don't stay on top of it. Fitz: Morning. Olivia: Good morning, Governor Grant. Did you need something? Fitz: No, just ... no. Olivia: Good. Fitz: I'm married. Olivia: I know. Fitz: I'm running for President. Olivia: I know. Fitz: I can't. Olivia: I don't want you to. Fitz: But just stand here with me, for one minute. Let's not go back in there or talk or think or ... For one minute, we just stand here, and I'm not the candidate and you're not the campaign fixer. We're just us. One minute, for one minute. Just ... stand here with me. Olivia: One minute. Mellie: Oh! Liv, there you are. You've really got to look at what they have me wearing at the town hall tonight. I really think it's too much. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Cyrus: Just got the tracking polls for Super Tuesday. You're still down with women. They're for Sally and they're not changing their mind. Fitz: I crushed her in that debate. The whole country saw it. Olivia: It's hard to win over women when there's a viable female candidate in the race. We've been waiting a long time. Fitz: So what do we do? Cyrus: We've got the oppo on her. Three witnesses all willing to speak on the record about snorting coke at a frat party with Sally Langston, back when she was just a Tri Delt. Olivia: It won't work. You can't nail Sally Langston on morality. Sally found God, Cyrus. Once you find God, all is forgiven. That's kind of the point. Cyrus: No, the point is we can't win without women. Fitz: No. You take the opposition research and you put it in the garbage. We're playing the rest of the game above board, win or lose. Cyrus: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN EVENT, GEORGIA Fitz: And that's exactly why I think deregulation is a good thing, like this pie. Do y'all really get to eat this all the time? 'Cause if you do, I'll have to spend a lot more time down here. Mellie: I'm sorry. I just I can't do this anymore. Fitz: Mel? Mellie: It's okay, honey, I just I need to say it. Um ... A few months ago, Fitz and I found out that we were pregnant with our third child. And we were so thrilled, so excited to bring a new life into our family. But campaigns can be so stressful, and I guess uh- I guess my body just couldn't handle it. And I lost our baby. Even though it was only eight weeks ... It was a baby and it was a member of our family and I have grieved for the loss of our child every day since. And I know that many of you have sensed, um, I don't know, distance between me and Fitz during the campaign, while we have struggled through this terrible experience as best we could. And I should say- Fitz wanted to quit to give us time to take care of each other, but I wouldn't let him, because I truly believe that he is the best person to be President of the United States, and I couldn't let our loss stand in the way of that. Mellie: I think that ought to take care of it, don't you? [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hey, Marco. How's the night shift treating you? Cool. Did you get that coroner's report yet? Seriously? How far along? Hi. Gideon Wallace. "D.C. Sun." Yeah, that's right. I called before. No, I didn't know you needed to be at work in an hour. Do you know Amanda's boyfriend? He's watching her dog? Works at the White House. You don't know his name? Lives in Logan Circle. All right. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: Old. Old. Ugly. Psycho eyes. Ugly. Old. Old. David: I have learned so much tonight. Alissa: What about this guy? Robert Sullivan. Deputy Assistant to the President for Homeland Security. David: Why him? Alissa: He's cute. But look at that smile. He could totally be a killer. David: You think whoever knocked her up was also the one who killed her? Alissa: Of course. It's always the boyfriend. David: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Olivia: I was sorry to hear about your loss. Are you...? Is Mellie okay? If she needs to take a break from the campaign, I'm sure we could- Fitz: Mellie's fine. She flew to Alabama. She's doing twelve campaign stops in two days. She's thrilled. Nothing keeps that woman down, not even a fake miscarriage. She's a real catch, my wife. I'm a lucky man. Olivia: I'm sorry. Fitz: Oh, God. Please don't. Don't be nice to me. I'm sitting here complaining to you about my wife, which is sleazy and low and not fair to you and the oldest trick in the book. Suddenly I'm looking down at myself and I'm ... How did I get here? Why didn't I meet you sooner? What kind of a coward was I to marry her and not wait for you to show up? Olivia: Governor Grant ... Fitz: Oh, for God sake, we are so far beyond the "Governor Grant" crap. Just say my name. Olivia: That's crossing the line. It would be inappropriate. Fitz: Then let's be inappropriate. Say my name. Olivia: Fitz. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL HALLWAY / HOTEL ROOM / UNKNOWN LOCATION Cyrus: This is me. How early are we starting tomorrow? Olivia: 6 AM pancake breakfast at the Baptist church and a prayer meeting. Cyrus: I can already feel the holy water burning my pagan flesh. Night. Fitz: Night. Olivia: Good night. Olivia: This is me. Fitz: I'm down there. Just go in your room and close the door, and we'll pretend this never happened. Go in your room. Fitz: Take off your clothes. (You're doing fine) Man: Yeah, I think I got something. Some woman. Nah, you can't tell who it is. They're not exactly talking. Yep. I'll send it your way. [SCENE_BREAK] LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Delivery Guy: This goes to your boss. Amanda: Sorry to interrupt. This just came for you. Billy: Thank you. I'm sorry. What's your name again? There's so many new people around here, I keep losing track. Amanda: Amanda. Tanner. And please, no worries. I'm just happy to be here. I'm a huge fan of Senator Langston. Billy: Amanda. I won't forget this time. I promise. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT CD (Fitz): Take off your clothes. Olivia: Cyrus got this? In the mail? Someone's had this for two years. Why wait? Why now? Fitz: All they had was a tape and a voice. They needed the voice. They needed a girl. Olivia: They needed Amanda Tanner. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: If the baby's blood type is A, and Amanda's is B, then the father has to be either type A or type AB. We could subpoena the White House personnel files for the blood types. David: Alissa, we don't have enough to subpoena anyone for anything. Alissa: UGH but we are so close. David: We're not close. We have a suicide and a hunch. Go home. Alissa: What? David: Get some sleep. Study for the bar. Go shoe shopping. Sorry I kept you up all night on a wild nothing. Alissa: David? David: Yeah? Alissa: I'm not. Good night. David: Night. [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hi. Uh, this is Gideon Wallace with "The D.C. Sun." I'd like to speak to Chief of Staff Chambers, please. Oh, you answer your own phone. Cool. Uh, I'm calling to get a quote for a story I'm working on. Quinn: I'm gonna run out and grab some bagels. Gideon: Right. Okay. Well, it's about your relationship with Amanda Tanner. [SCENE_BREAK] LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HQ Sally: Thank you, Governor. Billy. Billy: Don't thank me until you hear it. Sally: That was Governor Grant. I've just accepted his offer to be his V.P. Billy, we were creamed on Super Tuesday. We are out of options. Billy: So what? We just ... no. No! He is a philandering faux conservative who will destroy everything, every single thing that we have promised to millions of people, honest Americans. What are we gonna say to them? Sally: Tell 'em to vote. Vote Grant-Langston. Billy: This makes super Tuesday nothing, a blip. Just listen. All right, not for me, but for the future of our country. Sally: Matthew 13:24. There's a parable about a group of enemies who plant bad seeds amongst the good ones to ruin the crops. The farmer notices weeds growing amongst the fruit. The servants ask the farmer if they should round up the weeds before the harvest, and what does the farmer say? Billy: "Let them grow together." Sally: One day, God will burn the weeds and save the fruit, Billy, but for now, let 'em grow. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Olivia: You need to get back to the White House before the press corps comes in. Fitz: Mm. I've imagined your place a thousand times. I like it. It's very you. Olivia: Yeah. Living alone has its perks. Fitz: I should go. Olivia: You should go. Fitz: Oh. One minute? Olivia: Yeah. One minute. Fitz: Good-bye, Livvie. Olivia: Good-bye, Mr. President. [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Amanda Tanner worked in the West Wing with you. There's pictures of the two of you including several with her dog. Billy: Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Can we just get right to the point here, Gideon? What are you saying exactly? Gideon: I think you had a relationship with Amanda. I think you were her boyfriend. Billy: Is that it? Is that your big discovery, that we were boyfriend and girlfriend? That we held hands? Went steady? Gideon: If I were the Vice President's Chief of Staff, that's not something that I would want people to know, especially considering that she- Billy: Morons. Gideon: What? Billy: I'm surrounded by morons. Huge, clueless morons. Gideon: I've got a story here. Billy: Yeah, genius, you do, only it's the wrong one. I'm not the story. The President's the story. The President is the one who slept with Amanda Tanner. I was your source in the White House. I sent you the pictures of Amanda and the President and the stupid dog. I sent you the West Wing logs. She visited him practically every day. Dear God, man, I did everything except draw you a picture of their stick figures doing it! All you had to do was put two and two together. What is it with people? Why are they so freaking stupid?! You, Amanda. It was an easy script for both of you. Big letters, small words. You could- you could follow it in your sleep. Gideon: Oh, my God. You sent her in to sleep with the President. Billy: "Oh, my God." You call yourself a journalist? You're a joke. You could have been the next Woodward and Bernstein and the best you can do is tell everyone that I had a relationship with a crazy dead girl? Good luck with that story. Gideon: That's not all I came up with. Billy: You're an idiot. Whatever you say, I'll just deny it. This conversation never happened. Gideon: According to the coroner's report, Amanda was 13 weeks pregnant. I bet it's your baby. I may be a joke, but "Dead White House Intern Was Carrying V.P. Aide's Love Child" that sure sounds like a story to me. I even have a copy of the coroner's report if you want to see it. Gotta believe they can run a DNA match between you and a fetus. This conversation might be easy to deny, but that sure as hell wouldn't be, would it? Let me just see where I put that. I'll show you. Aah! Oh! [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT-LANGSTON PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE Fitz: It is my honor to have Senator Langston's conviction and strong sense of justice by my side. And with your support, we are gonna take the White House in November and we are gonna bring America the change it's been waiting for!
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(In 1988, a little boy is reading a book) Ted from 2030: When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. It was written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, it told the story of the year she spent living among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give a lecture, Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question. Marshall: What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist? Dr. Birnholz: So you want to be an anthropologist? Marshall: Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did. Ted from 2030: What she said next changed his life. Dr. Birnholz: Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't. They'll all be dead by then... [in 2006] Marshall:...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforests will continue and over a million species will be wiped out. Ted: So you don't want coffee. Marshall: I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible... Ted: All right. I'm pouring it out. Marshall: Okay, one cup. The kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything. Ted: I still can't believe you're going all corporate on us. "The kid" has become "the man." Marshall: Okay, it's just an internship to make a little money. After law school, I'm going to work for the NRDC. They're gonna stop global warming. Ted from 2030: Well... I mean... they did their best. Lily: Here's your sack lunch. Marshall: Okay, I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack". Lily: I love you, Marshmallow. Marshall: I love you. Ted: I love you too, Marshmallow. Marshall: Uh-oh. Ted? Ted: Oh, no. No, she didn't. Marshall: Yeah. Yeah, she did. Ted: Another care package? Ted from 2030: Another care package. I'd been in a long-distance relationship with Victoria for nearly a month. Long-distance relationships are a bad idea. Marshall: How many is that so far? Ted: Three. Lily: And how many have you sent her? Ted: In the mail or in my mind? Zero. She's up three-zip. Oh! Cupcakes! Great. I bet they're delicious, too. Yup, they're delicious. Damn it! I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes. God, I hate myself right now. Marshall: God, that is so me at 15. Ted from 2030: Marshall was going to work for a big corporation called Altrucel. Altrucel was most well-known for making the yellow fuzzy stuff on the surface of tennis balls. I mean, this was a huge company, so they did other things... But mostly they wanted the public to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff. Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship in their legal department because he knew someone who worked there. Barney's office (Barney's on the phone) Barney: Go for Barney. Voice: Mr. Stinson, this is Willis from lobby security. Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a sasquatch loose in the building. Barney: A sasquatch? Voice: That's right, sir, a Bigfoot. We don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor. Barney: Yes! Look at you. You suited in an unmistakably upward direction. Marshall: Whoa. That is a butt-load of motivational posters. Barney: Yeah, hell, yeah. I got 'em all: Teamwork, Courage, Awesomeness... Marshall: There's one for awesomeness? Barney: Yeah, I had it made. Sit. Marshall: Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is? Barney: Please. Man #1: My dawg! Man #2: My dawg! Barney: Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. These guys are in legal. You're gonna be working with them. Marshall: Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you. Bilson: Nice tie. Steak sauce. Blauman: Oh, steak sauce! For true, though. Marshall: Where, I don't, I don't see... Barney: Marshall? Sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1. A-1? Get it? Try to keep up. Bilson: Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside. Ding dong! What? The doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trench coat and nothing else. But wait-- knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door? Marshall: I don't have a back door. Bilson: Oh, my gosh, Jessica Simpson? What a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one. What do you do? Go. Marshall: Right. Well, uh... I'm engaged, so-- Bilson: Fiancee's out of town. What do you do? Go. Marshall: We're still engaged, even if she's... Bilson: Okay, fiancee's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go. The Bar Ted: Sure you don't want one? Robin: How many of those have you eaten? Ted: Four. Teen. No, just four. And the icing from two more. So, anyway, here's the problem. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep. Anyway, I got the care package, and it's just great. Here, listen... Mmm. Mmm! [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: So I'm standing there, my mouth full of this delicious relationship-winning cupcake... And... I said something dumb. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Oh, and, um... don't worry, yours is in the mail. I sent it a couple days ago. And it's awesome. Really, really awesome. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Why did I say that? I think frosting makes me lie. Robin: Oh, Teddy boy. Ted: Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll know I sent it after I talked to her. So that's the problem. You work on that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake. Robin: All right, here's what you do: Put together a care package of stuff from New York-- some H&H bagels, an Empire State Building keychain... and then, top off the package with a New York Times... Ready? From three days ago. Ted: That's brilliant. You're brilliant. You know, it's funny, not so long ago, I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice on how to impress you. Robin: That is funny. Ted from 2030: And here's why it was funny. [FLASHBACK] Ted from 2030: Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier, here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me. Robin: Okay, fine, I have feelings for him. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Now it's ironic, the girl I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like. Robin: The irony is clear, Ted. The appartment Lily: Hey! How was your first day? Marshall: I don't wanna talk about it. The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks. Lily: What? Marshall: They're jerks! Lily: What makes them jerks? Marshall: Forget it, I don't want to talk about it. Well, like today at lunch.. [FLASHBACK] Bilson: What do you got there, Ericksen? Mommy pack your lunch? Marshall: For your information, my fiancee did. Blauman: Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too? Marshall: No. Blauman: What's that? Marshall: Nothing. Give it. Bilson: "Dear Marshmallow. Good luck today. I love you. Lilypad." Marshall: Give it. Bilson: P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick-- catch it." Marshall: Give it back. Hey, give it. Gimme... Give it! [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Oh, screw those guys! We're adorable. Marshall: I know. God. It's like freshman year all over again. Only this time, my sweet dance moves aren't going to be enough to win them over. Not even Old Reliable. Lily: Sweetie... It would be cool to have some extra money, but, but, if you're unhappy, it's not worth it. The Bar Marshall: I quit. Barney: What? No. We're having so much fun. You, me, working together. It's great. Marshall: We're not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're... Seriously, what is it that you do? Barney: Please. Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me. Barney: Oh, of course it's not for you. It's for Lily. Marshall: What? Barney: Marshall. Lily's a catch. But do you really think you're going to hang onto a girl that great without the package? Marshall: The package? Barney: The package. The house. The car. Sending your kids to a great school. A vacation once in a while. Marshall: Lily doesn't care about that stuff. Barney: Well, no-- now she doesn't, but how's she going to feel in a couple years, when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary while you're off in court defending some... endangered... South American... flying beaver. Marshall: She'll be happy. Barney: Okay. But will you be happy knowing you could have made her a lot happier. At Marshall's work Bilson: And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one. What do you do? Go. Marshall: I guess, uh... Bea Arthur. Bilson: Ahh! Wrong! Betty White. Clean this stuff up, Eriksen. The Bar Robin: So, did she get the awesome care package yet? Ted: Yep. Yesterday. Robin: Did she love it? Ted: Ooh, she loved it. Robin: So what's the problem? Ted: So I was talking to her last night. And, I should tell you, we've been talking on the phone every other night for, like, an hour and a half. Eventually you just run out of stuff to say. [FLASHBACK] Ted: What did you have for lunch today? Oh. Rye bread. Yeah. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Oh, Teddy boy. Ted: I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a bitch. Maybe it just can't be do. I think it's clear what I have to do. Robin: It's pretty clear. Ted: I have to go to Germany and surprise her. Robin: Totally what I was thinking. Get out of my head, man! Barney's office Marshall: Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone? Barney: Marshall, consider the penguins. Marshall: The penguins? Barney: On the wall. Marshall: "Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold." This is a motivational poster? Barney: Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy. And you know why? Because you're different. Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are, or... you could change your entire personality, which is just so much easier. [SCENE_BREAK] The appartment Lily: Change your personality? That is so awful, and not at all motivational. Marshall: Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled, but then I realized it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in Life Among the Gorillas. I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them. It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool? Lily: It sounds kinda like peer pressure. Marshall: No, no, no. It's totally anthropological and it's cool and I'm doing it. Lily: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year. Marshall: I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure. Lily: All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say? Marshall: Only when I'm drunk. Lily: Good boy. Ted from 2030: And so, to fit in with the gorillas, Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla, and that meant gorilla lessons. The Bar Barney: Okay, I'm psyched about this. But if I'm going to mentor you, I need to know you're psyched about this, too. Marshall: Oh, I am. I'm, I'm psyched. Barney: Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it. Show it. Marshall: I'm psyched! Barney: What was that? Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Marshall: Wow, that was really specific. Barney: Show me you're psyched! Let's do this! Ow! That hurt! Marshall: So badly. Barney: And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake and he'll get it done. Marshall: Right. Get what done? Barney: Whatever. Marshall: Cool. And what guy is this? Barney: There's always a guy. Marshall: Okay, all right, I, uh, I think I'm ready. Barney: You sure? You want to practice your story one more time? Marshall: All right. So dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa, and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs." So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!" So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport......and that is when the bouncer kicked us out. Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, fake diamond ring? Worth every penny, bruh. Blauman: Eriksen...that was steak sauce! Bilson: Great story. The appartment Ted from 2030: The next moning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany when I got an e-mail. Ted: Uh-oh. The Bar Victoria's voice: "Hey, Ted, sorry I missed your call last night. This long-distance thing sucks, huh? Listen, I've been thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight. I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria." So? Ted: So she's going to dump me. Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking," and then follow it up with something good? It's not like: Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie. What else can it be? What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e-mail? Robin: I cut off all my fingers? Ted, you're a great guy. I know it, you know it, she knows it. I would bet you a gazillion dollars-- no, I'm even more confident. I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with you. Ted: Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy. So I should still buy that plane ticket, right? Robin: I'd wait. The Appartment (Marshall is on the phone, Lily is painting) Marshall: 'Sup, Blauman? E-bomb here. We still on for karaoke? Dope. I'm going to rock you on the mike so hard your hears are going to bleed gravy. Catch you on the flip, butt puppet. Lily: Okay...what do you think? Marshall: Steak sauce. Lily: Steak sauce? Marshall: Yeah. Lily: Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, but please don't act like that around here. Marshall: Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-... Lily: No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and-and throwing feces. I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office. Marshall: Why? Lily: Because you're acting like one of those guys, and those guys are lame. Marshall: Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes, but they're actually good guys, and if you got to know them, then you would see that. Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see how totally not that lame they are, okay? Lily: Okay. At the karaoke Blauman: But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there? Angelina Jolie... wait, in a wheelchair. What do you do? Go. Bilson: Dude, Scarlett Johannsen with no arms, any day of the week. Yeah. Lily: You're right. They're delightful. Marshall: So, Barney, you gonna sing anything? Barney: Nah. I'm so over karaoke. Marshall: Really? I thought you'd be totally into it. Barney: Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really. But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard. Lily: Oh, baby, they have our song. Let's do "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Bilson: What? Marshall: "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Elton John, Kiki Dee. Bilson: No way. You got to go with some Black Sabbath. Lily: Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine. Marshall: "Iron Man." I could do "Iron Man." Blauman: Steak sauce. Bilson: Steak sauce, dude. Blauman: Should we tell him? All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news. On Monday, Bilson and I are going to talk to Montague in HR. When you graduate, we want you working with us. What do you say? Yes! Bilson: That's my man! Blauman: I told you he would. Aw, we're gonna own the office. Lily: Okay, that was gross. When were you going to tell me you changed your entire career path? Marshall: Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment. I just thought that maybe I could make some money for a few years. We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. You could quit your job and focus on your painting. I know that you say you don't need it, but... I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I want to give you the package. Lily: The package?! You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package. Marshall: Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package. Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package. Robin's work place (Robin is on the phone with Ted) Robin: Hello. Ted: Why hasn't she called yet? Robin: Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night. Go out and do something. Ted: No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news? I'm, like, half your viewership. Robin: I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. She's not going to break up with you, Ted. You're awesome. Ted: Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00. I should let you go. Break a leg. Ted from 2030: And so I was sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring, something occurred to me. Ted: I'm actually sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. At the karaoke (Ted arrives) Barney, singing: *He's giving you the blues. You want to graduate, but not in his bed. Here's what you got to do Pick up the phone...* Ted: Marshall. Marshall: Hey, hey. Ted: Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month. Marshall: Yeah. Yeah. How you doing? Ted: I think Victoria's about to break up with me. Marshall: Oh, God, I'm sorry, man. Ted: Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like. The more I try to picture her, the more I can't. Like, I remember how she makes me feel. I just... I don't completely remember her. It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone. Marshall: Preserving something that's already gone. Sounds like environmental law. Ted: I don't know. We struggle so hard to hold onto these things that we know are going to disappear eventually. And that's really noble, but even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot, well, then where are you going to park your car? Barney, singing: *Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap, ow. Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap...* Uh, rockupied. Dude, what...? (Marshall says something to Barney, who then passes him the microphone) Next up, Marshmallow and Lillypad. Marshall: *Don't go breakin' my heart* Lily: *I couldn't if I tried* Marshall: *Honey, if I get restless* Lily: *Baby, you're not that kind...* Ted from 2030: It turns out some things are worth preserving. But here's the real question: It's 2:00 a.m. Your friends are still out singing karaoke, but you're home early 'cause you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany, who was supposed to call four hours ago. And then the phone rings. Ted: Hello. Robin: Hi, Ted. It's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but, uh, do you want to come over? Ted from 2030: What do you do? Go.
doc_25
Lina:You're going, and that's it. Russ: Oh, my God. I got your stupid vasectomy. Isn't that enough? Lina: No. You've blown off three follow-up appointments. Russ: I don't need a follow-up visit. I know that it worked. Lina: How could you possibly know that? Russ: Because I... eyeballed it. Lina: What? Russ: My stuff. It's practically clear. Seriously, you could store contact lenses in it. Lina: I am moving on. I'm getting rid of all the baby stuff from the garage. Do you think that's easy for me? Russ: Even that bassinet? Even the bassinet. You need to move on, too. Russ: I just don't want to be told that I have meaningless semen. Lina: If you want to get anywhere near any of this... You're gonna have to take care of that. S01E06 Russ: I thought you took lessons. Frankie: I'm still scared. (Frankie whimpers) Russ: I want a refund, then. Get this on. Girl: What are you doing? Everybody can see you. Girl 2: What's the big deal? Nobody's here. (Indistinct chatter, laughter) Russ: Can I ask you something? Am I invisible? Shepard: I don't know what that means. Lina: He's been upset because some girls changed in front of him. Shepard: Say what? AJ: Boobs or beaver? Russ: That's not the point. Shepard: N-no, I-I'm gonna allow that. Russ: They didn't care what I saw. Shepard: Oh. Well, God bless you. AJ: No, no, no. I see... I see your point, here. I mean, for all she knows, you're-you're a rapist. You're a... Russ: Yeah. AJ:...sick, sexual maniac who follows her home, studies her patterns. Maybe you borrow a uniform from an old cop buddy who owes you a favor. "Is there a problem, officer?" Rag. Ether. Nightmare. Russ: Yeah, I... I think I-I was just trying to say, like, I-I want women to feel uncomfortable changing around me. Is that so much to ask? Lina: I'm uncomfortable changing in front of you. (Phone ringing) Shepard: Tammy. Mind if I...? Jess: Get it? No, please, get it. Yeah. Shepard: Hey, Tammy, what's up? Okay. Lina: Who's Tammy? Jess: Tammy is a musician that Shep has been working with. Lina: So he's getting back into the music business? Jess: I don't know. Maybe. It's just nice to see him, uh, excited. It's a nice change from his super-intense depression. And I just feel like it's so great to see him get off the couch and go to work and... Put on pants. Lina: Right. AJ: Pants are for losers. You're wearing pants right now, dude. Lina: Yeah. AJ: Not up here. Shepard: Right. No, it's on ventura. No, but come around the back. Right. And they can, they can set up whenever they get there. Yeah, we'll all be there. All right. Great. All right, buddy. See you tomorrow. Hey, just got some great musicians for Tammy's session tomorrow. It's gonna sound really, really good. Jess: Do you know that when you work, it makes me so hot? Shepard: Really? How hot? Jess: Well, let's say probably about doggy-style hot. I-I don't want to put on the knee brace. Jess: Uh-huh. 'Cause it pulls. You know, it's not... All right, doggy it is. Didi: Bowman? Russ: Hey. Didi: You have a co-pay of $550. Russ: Sounds right. Didi: You need to pay it. Russ: Totally. Didi: Today. Russ: Oh. I don't... I don't have that kind of cash on me. Didi: Oh, we take credit cards. Russ: Well, I have the cards, but... not the credit. You're going to have to pay the balance of this procedure. Russ: Yeah, I'll pay it. Just not today. Didi: Let's reschedule, then. We'll get something on the books after the payment is all squared away. Russ: All right. Have a great day. Child: My name is Albert Einstein and I was born in Germany in 1879. I developed the theory of relativity. Russ (Whispering): Look, it's not my fault, okay? We tried. It's over. Lina: Seriously? What is wrong with you? Russ: I'm invisible? Lina: Here's what you're going to do. You're gonna go back in that office, and write down that woman's name and scare the sh1t out of her. Russ: How? Tell her that your wife already sent the check and if they don't see you right away, that you're gonna stop payment on it and let it go to collections. Tell her that. Russ: You're getting pretty good at this. Lina: No, being broke makes you crafty. Russ: So then why don't you come with me and then you can do the talking. Lina: I can't. I have to take the baby stuff today. Russ: Come on. I... Don't make me go back to that cock-butcher. Father: You guys want to take this outside? Russ: I'm sorry. We're so sorry. Lina (Whispers): Sorry. Russ: Your son looks great. Lina: It's his daughter. Russ: It's your daughter. Look... she looks great. You're going back to the cock-butcher. Russ: Hey, I never got your name. Didi: Didi. Russ: Oh, great name. So, Didi, there was a mix-up before. Uh, it turns out my wife already sent the check. Really? Russ: But if I don't see the doctor right now, we're gonna cancel the payment. And then it will go to collections, Didi. And they will call us and I will be forced to mention your name. Didi. So you'd better polish your résumé. Because you'll get fired. Didi: Why would I get fired? Russ: Because they'll call. And they'll know. I don't know. I... it made sense when my wife said it. I just need to see the doctor right now, okay? Hello? Didi... please? Oh, what am I, invisible now? Doctor: Who says you're invisible? I see you standing right there, Mr. Bowman. Russ: Thank you, doctor. (Didi sighs) Lina: Bye-bye, baby sh1t. (Grunts) Hi. Whew. Lot of memories here. Employee: Okay, you just have to estimate how much this stuff cost you. Lina: Um... my youth. Every time I cough, I pee a little. Employee: I'll write down "$50." Lina: Can I ask you a question? Who gets this stuff? Employee: Regular people. People who need it. Lina: Do you think that I could meet the person who gets my stuff? I'd love to put a face with a, you know... Employee: Doesn't really work like that. (Gasps) Lina: I think I'm gonna need a minute. Shepard: She'll be here soon. Well, how long do you have the studio? Shepard: I'm... by the hour. Jess (Chuckling): Okay. Shepard: So whenever she gets here, we'll... that's when we'll go. (Phone rings) Oh, hey, could be her. And it is. Hey. What's up? Jess: Sorry. (Chuckles) Trust me, this is worth it. She's really hot. She has the talent of a much uglier girl. Shepard: That's... Well, listen, that's your call. You-you do what you guys need. Uh-huh. "Oh, that's all right. So, you feel better?" She says, "no, 'cause I've been throwing up. I've been throwing up for the last couple of days." Jess: Uh-huh. So I said, "hey, what are you, pregnant?" Guess what. Jess: No. She's pregnant? Shepard: She's pregnant. She and her boyfriend are gonna take the kid. They're gonna raise the kid in Iowa. So they're going to Iowa. Jess: That's gonna ruin her career. Shepard: What do you want me to do? Jess: Oh, my God, you know what you need to do. Shepard: No, I don't. I don't know what I need to do. Jess: Tell her to get rid of it. Shepard: The baby. Get rid of the... That's what I should tell her? Jess: Yeah, look at how happy you are. You love working with this girl. Shepard: I didn't love it. Jess: Yes, you did, and you haven't... you... Shepard: It was fun, it was fun. Jess: Oh, my God, you haven't been this happy since you left the label. All right, she's a good singer; I was trying to help her out, but it's over. Jess: No. Shepard: So that's okay. It's over. Jess: Don't just do that. Shepard: Now it's over. Jess: Tell her about Liz Phair's abortion. I don't know what you're saying now. Tell her that right before Liz Phair was, like, about to break out, she got pregnant, but then you talked about it, and you arranged for her to get an abortion, and then nine months later... (Blows raspberry) You know, she's a hit instead of a mother. (Chuckles) Shepard: That never happened. Jess: That-that... just, PJ Harvey then, if that makes more sense to you. I never met PJ Harvey, none of... Jess: She probably doesn't even know who that is, either. She'll be embarrassed to ask. Okay, what is wrong with you? These... this is crazy. Jess: Nothing is wrong with me. Shepard: There's nothing to say to her. She wants... it's her life. It's her life, so she... Jess: Tell her that having kids is gonna ruin her life. So our little baby boy is ruining your life? Jess: No, he's not ruining my... you're ruining my life. Shepard: Okay. Jess: Don't do this. I know what you're thinking, and that's, you know... Shepard: Really? What am I thinking? You need to do it, do your thing, fine. Shepard: Can I just say, a lot of the sh1t that comes out of your mouth cannot go back in. Jess: You could just get on the phone and just, like, talk to her is all I'm saying. Shepard: You know what? Jess: You could just put in the effort and do that. I'm gonna talk to her, okay. Try-try to not talk now. Do me that favor. [SCENE_BREAK] Doctor: Okay, let's see. Mm-hmm. Well, the good news is, the incision healed nicely. Everything looks perfectly boring. Russ: Boring? Boring is good. Boring is what you want. Just one thing left to do. Russ: Shots? Doctor: Semen. (Groans) (Indistinct conversations) Hey, where do I go? I got to give this... Father: One-sixth of 12. Daughter: Two. Father: Let's do two-fifths of 100. Russ: Really? Right here? Didi: Be sure to lock the door. Father: Are you asking me or are you telling me? Daughter: 21. Father: 21. Okay, one-sixth of 12. Daughter: Two. Father: Three-quarters of 100. Daughter: 75. (Sighs) (Muffled conversations) Daughter: I divide the circumference by pi, right? Father: That's right. Daughter: But then how do I get the area? Father: Okay, for the area, it's pi times 2r. See, we just multiply the diameter by pi. Russ: That's wrong. Father: What about this here? A third of 15. Daughter: Five. Oh, the hell with this. It isn't gonna work. Father: One-half of 20? Daughter: Uh, ten. Didi: You all set? Russ: No, I haven't even started. I'm having a little trouble with the, well, the materials. Didi: What kind of trouble? Russ: It's just the magazines. They're soft-core. I just, I... It's my second favorite core. Didi: Don't they have a DVD? Russ: Yeah, it's lesbians. Lesbian p0rn just makes me feel like a third wheel, you know? It's like, what do they need me for? I'm just gonna get in the way. If you have anything, you know, like, under the desk or in a box or something, with dudes and chicks, that'd be awesome, but no gang bangs, okay? No threesomes. Nothing in a moving vehicle, okay? Because I get carsick. Didi: Do you want to come back at another time and bring your own materials? Russ: Oh. All right, I got this. Excuse me, do you mind keeping it down, okay? I just, I have a... I have a meeting in there, so... Father: She has a test tomorrow. Russ: This is an important meeting. Father: Well, this is an important test. Russ: Maybe a little help, Didi? Father: Third of 15. Daughter: Five. Father: One-half of ten. Daughter: Five. (Horn honking) (Phone ringing) Lina: What's up? Russ: Hey, I need your help. Lina: They still wouldn't see you? Russ: No, I got in. I just... I need you to take me home. Lina: What? Russ: What are you wearing? Lina: Russ, no. I'm not having phone s*x with you. I'm in a thrift store. Russ: Lina, seriously, come on. The p0rn here sucks, okay? And there's some asshole in the lobby doing homework with his daughter. Lina: This is so unfair. Russ: I don't care. I just... I need you to do something, okay? I did your script, now you do mine. Lina: No, this is not a good time. I just handed over the bassinet. It's official. No more babies. Now I have to figure out my life. I'm just, I can't. Well, can we figure it out after I come? (Sighs) Lina: What do you want me to say? Russ: Well, first change your attitude. Lina (Softly): What do you want me to say? Russ: There you go. I got my shorts off. You're naked. I want you to tell me how I'm gonna enter you. Lina: Regular. No, wrong, okay? Today we do my positions. Lina: Oh, we're gonna be here all day. Russ: Just... start cowgirl, okay, and then reverse it. Lina (Weakly): Yee-haw. Russ: Lina, please, I'm in a room right off of a... lobby with people right on the other side. Lina: Okay, okay, fine. So, I push you down on the bed. Russ: Okay, good. And then I climb up on top of you... Russ: Okay. Lina:...and put you inside me. Yeah, and my hands are all over your... Lina: Oh, yeah, you're grabbing my ass. Russ:...tits, yeah. Lina: I mean my tits, yeah, that's right. Russ: Yeah, that's good. Lina: Now I'm sitting on top of you and... Oh, you're so deep. Russ: Yeah, put it inside. Lina: Oh, my God. Man: How much is this jacket? There's no sticker. Yeah, I don't work here, sorry, dude. Russ: Who was that? Lina: You don't know him. Okay, where were we? Russ: Uh, you were riding me. Lina: Okay, right, so I'm riding you. I'm riding you so hard. Russ: That's good, yeah. Lina: It feels so good, I'm digging my fingernails into your shoulders. Russ: Yeah, it feels good. Lina: Yeah, it does? Russ: Yeah. Lina: Yeah, you like that? Russ: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lina: Okay, so now you're, you're sliding in and out of me, and... oh, I'm so wet. And you put your finger in my butt. Lina: Okay, yeah, I'm gonna do that, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, come, baby. Come on, that's right. Russ: I want to come inside you. Lina: Okay, yeah. Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna put another baby in you... Lina: No, you're not. Russ, no! Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna make a baby. Lina: Russ, knock it off! Russ: That's it! Aw, you're gonna be so pregnant! Lina: You're being weird. Russ: Aw! Lina, come on! Lina: You come on! We're not doing that anymore. It's weird. Russ: Why can't I just pretend? Lina: I don't want to. Russ: I just need to feel like I'm still... dangerous. Or something. (Sighs) Lina: I get it. Okay. Okay, so, so I'm riding you. Russ: Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna put a baby in you. Yeah. Lina: Yeah, you are, yes. Baby, I want you to come inside me. I want you to, I want you to shoot it up inside me. Russ: Uh-huh, I'm gonna shoot it so deep. Lina: You're gonna make me so pregnant... oh, my God! Russ: I'm gonna make you so pregnant! That's it. I want you to make me so pregnant. Can you do that for me? Can you? Can you? Can you put a baby in me? Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna put a baby in you. Lina: Do it! Come inside me. I want you to make a baby. That's right, yeah. Get me pregnant, come on. Come on, get me so pregnant. Oh, God, yeah! Russ: Yeah, keep going. Don't stop. Lina: Shoot all over my eggs, come on! Yeah, I'm gonna shoot on your eggs. Oh, my cum's going on your eggs! Lina: Okay? You make me pregnant? Will you knock me up? Russ: I'm gonna make you pregnant! I'm gonna make you pregnant! Oh! Lina: Make a baby, yeah! Russ: Oh! Okay. (Moaning) Oh, wow. Please tell me you got it in the cup. Russ: I think I did. I think most of it. Oh, my God. Father: The area is pi times 2r. Okay. All right, I'll see you at home. We need waffles. Russ: Okay. Daughter: Diameter... Father: Mm-hmm. Daughter:...is pi, right? Father: Yeah, that's right. Could you remind me how to get the area? Russ: Might be a little spicy. I had chorizo for lunch. Oh, and by the way, the area of a circle is pi-r-squared. Duh. Father: The r, that's the r. Daughter: Oh. Lina: You bought my bassinet. Woman: Who? Lina: That's my bassinet. Well, I just donated it, literally I just donated it. I hope your baby's as happy in there as-as my girls were. Woman: Oh, yeah, I would never put a baby in this piece of sh1t. It's for my ferret. Actually can you mind holding him while I light my cigarette? It's really more of a coffin to bury him in. 'Cause he has cancer. So, you say it's called a-a bassinet? (Water splashing) (Harrison cooing) Jess: Ooh, make little splashes? (Dinging nearby) There's too much splashing in the bath. And too many bubbles for one little baby. Shepard: Hey. Jess: Hi. How'd it go with Tammy? Shepard: She's on her way to Davenport. Jess: Is that the name of a clinic? Shepard: No. It's a place in Iowa. Jess: Aw. Your daddy's a good man. But he didn't want our meal ticket to get an abortion. Isn't that right, daddy? Shepard: Stop. Jess: What? That's what happened. Shepard: What, are you mad? Jess: You can't make people do things that they don't want to do, right? Shepard: And I really don't want to be managing some kid. I don't. Hi. Hi! Hey. Want to watch a movie tonight? Uh, you know, I can't. I'm gonna go to the office. But, um, take a rain check. (Harrison giggles) (Coos) (Shepard sighs) Russ: Hey. Lina: Hmm? Russ: Do you want to have a date? Lina: Mm... I'm not taking my shirt off. Russ: That's okay. But can we talk about the pregnant stuff again? Lina: No chance. Russ: Come on. Lina: No. Russ: Well, then, can we pretend that I'm a cashier at Ralphs and you're, um, returning some old lettuce? (Lina laughs) Lina: Oh, look at this lettuce. Russ: Ah... Lina: It's so wilted. Russ: Yes, yes! It is. Lina (Laughing): You're so weird! Man: Hey. Jess: Hey. Man: Can I sit with you? (Jess laughs) Jess: Sure. (Man clears throat) Man: Are you alone? Jess: Uh...
doc_26
Teleplay by: Sheryl J. Anderson Story by: Sanford Golden [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk in the kitchen carrying shopping bags.] Piper: Any day that brings new shoes is a good day. Phoebe: Are you kidding? This was a great day. Yoga, pedicures, shopping, lunch. When have we had more fun? Prue: It's nice to bond through something other than vanquishing for a change. Phoebe: Yeah, but I gotta hand it to those pesky little demons. They sure have brought us closer together. Prue: Maybe you should write them a thank you note. (Prue turns on the TV.) Reporter: Early this morning when an argument between neighbours at a block party turned into a street parole, residents of several apartment buildings... Prue: Ugh. (She turns off the TV.) Piper: Some people are just crazy. Prue: Doesn't it seem like this kind of stuff has been happening a lot here lately? Phoebe: Random social violence is encouraged by a general D clan and ethical thinking. Well, according to my sociology professor. He said that we don't think about the big questions enough. Prue: The big question is how did you stay awake through his class? Phoebe: Not only did I stay awake but I actually enjoyed it. Which is why I bought this book. (She gets a book out of a bag.) It's filled with really deep profound questions, which would actually make a good bar game at P3. Piper: Oh, great, solve the problems of the world while doing Jell-O shots. Phoebe: Okay, let's see if I can find a really good one. (She puts on her glasses and opens up to a page in the book.) Okay, what if a building was on fire? Do you save five strangers or one sibling? Prue: I thought that you said that these were hard questions. That's easy, sibling. Piper: Of course. Phoebe: Ditto. Okay, my turn, my turn. (Phoebe hands Prue the book. The doorbell rings.) Piper: Okay, don't answer anything until I answer that. Phoebe: Okay, faster though, faster. (Piper answers the door.) Piper: Hi. Leo: Hi. (They kiss.) Piper: Since when do you ring instead of orb? Leo: Well, I'm just trying to respect everybody's space since the three of you have been so, uh... (Prue and Phoebe walk in.) Phoebe: Hey, Leo. Leo: Tight these days. Prue: So, um, are you here for all of us? Leo: No, this isn't business. I was just about to invite Piper to an early dinner before her Paula Cole show. Piper: Oh. Leo: Oh, do you have other plans? Piper: Uh, not exactly. We've just been hanging out all day spending some quality non-magic time. Leo: Oh, alright, no problem. Rain check? Prue: Um, Piper, why don't you go with Leo? I mean, we're totally cool with it. Pheebs and I will go to the club early, keep an eye on things. Piper: I have a new assistant manager and she's all checked out so she can take care of things. Phoebe: Still, we'll go and make sure everything's okay. We'll bring the book, maybe stir up some trouble. Prue: How about stirring up some margaritas? Phoebe: Ooh, that's good. (They link arms and walk back in the kitchen.) Piper: So it's a date. Leo: Alright. [Scene: On the street. Leo and Piper are in Piper's car. They pull up at a stop sign.] Piper: I didn't mean that I didn't enjoy being with you, all I meant was that Phoebe and Prue would've enjoyed the restaurant too. (A guy in a car pulls up behind them and starts honking his horn and yelling.) Leo: I wish you were normal sisters, they're never this close. Piper: And it's a problem that we are? Leo: No. It just seems that sometimes I'm breaking up a great party when I wanna be alone with you. (They guy behind them continues honking the horn.) Piper: Leo, I have room for all of you in my life and in my heart. Leo: I still need to know which room's mine because... (The guy drives around them and speeds around the corner.) Okay. [Cut to the guy. He crashes into a Ute with crates of fruit in the back and the fruit flies out of it onto the road. Piper and Leo pull up.] Piper: Oh, no. (The man that was driving the Ute gets out and storms over to the other guy driving the car. He pulls him out of the car and they start fighting. Other people try to break up the fight. One guy picks up a watermelon and throws it at Piper's car. It smashes all over the windshield. Piper and Leo get out.) What on earth? (They walk over near the fighting men. The guy throws another watermelon towards Piper and Leo but Piper freezes it before it can hit them. Everyone else freezes except Leo and one of the four horseman is standing near by. The horseman looks around confused. He then sees Piper and Leo and starts running.) Leo? Leo: I see him. (Piper runs after him.) Wait, Piper, you don't know what he is. (Leo runs after Piper.) [Cut to the horseman. He runs around the corner of a building and suddenly a horse appears. He jumps on the horse and they disappear. Piper and Leo run around the corner and wonder where he went.] [Cut to a field. The four horsemen on horses suddenly appear, galloping along.] Opening Credits [Scene: P3. Paula Cole is singing. Prue and Phoebe are sitting at the bar watching her. The bartender hands back the book to Prue. Paula Cole finishes her song.] Paula: Thank you, P3, you've been great. Thank you. (Piper and Leo walk up to Prue and Phoebe.) Phoebe: Hey, I can't believe you guys missed Paula Cole, she was awesome. Piper: We saw a pretty awesome show ourselves. Prue: I thought that you guys went to dinner. Piper: We did and then for dessert we did a little demon hunting. Prue: What happened? Piper: Well, there was this road rage thing and it was completely out of control, so I froze the entire street except for this a guy in a suit. Leo: And he takes off. Your sister doesn't listen to me so we chase him down into an alley. Nothing, he vanished into thin air. Phoebe: Wait, a demon that causes road rage? Piper: I don't know if he caused it or was attracted by it. Prue: Well, the kind of creature that gets off in that kind of thing would certainly explain why the city's been such a mess lately. He's probably some lower level mischief maker. Leo: As soon as we figure out who he is and what he wants will be better for everyone. Piper: Yeah, except for those of us who have to get rid of him. Phoebe: Okay, we can sit around here being pessimistic or we can go to the house and check the Book of Shadows. [Scene: A field. The four horsemen are there.] War: What happened? Strife: First of all I wanna let you all know that I was out on the field and things are looking good. The public is really responding. War: But... Strife: We might have a problem. War: Did you screw up? Strife: No, why would you assume that? Famine: Please don't fight. Death: It's all they know how to do. Strife: A freezing witch saw me. Caught me working. War: A good witch? Strife: I would say so. She chased me, I think she thought she could stop me. War: That is a problem. Strife: Fixable. I think we can still move forward with our plan and still make our deadline. Famine: But the deadline's 7:00 tomorrow night. The source is gonna... War: Find her and kill her. Famine: How are we gonna find her? War: Set a trap. If she's a good witch she'll want to stop us. All we have to do is give her something she'll want to stop. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Piper are there. Phoebe's flipping through the Book Of Shadows.] Piper: Wait, stop right there. Phoebe: The demon of cruelty. Piper: Hardens the heart, corrodes the soul... Phoebe: And is a woman. Piper: Oh, oops. (Prue and Leo walk in.) Prue: Hey, so how is it going? Piper: In big fat circles. We've been reading all night and there's no one in here that matches the guy I saw. Phoebe: We do have a list of six potential matches though. Piper: But there's no picture so we're sort of shooting in the dark. My best guess is the demon of anarchy. Leo: Hey, you can't just guess. Alright, you have to be sure. It's very dangerous to engage an enemy unless you know who he is and what he wants. Piper: Leo, honey, we have done this a couple of times. Leo: No, I didn't mean... Prue: You know, Leo, it would be great to know every single thing about our enemies but that's not always the case. Leo: I know, but... Phoebe: And if this guy is causing riots we can't just hang out and wait for inspiration, you know. Leo: Okay, three against one. I-I just, I was working that's all. Phoebe: Okay, so no offense to the Whitelighter but we're going with the Demon of Anarchy, right? Prue: Yes, the Demon of Anarchy. Piper: Okay, so this potion doesn't even require a double boiler. Phoebe: And it's your basic iambic pentameter chant. It's a very nice simple vanquish. Piper: Okay, so all we have to do now is figure out where this guys gonna show up next. Prue: Alright, well, who do we know that would be keeping track of anarchy? [Time lapse. Prue is on the phone with Morris.] Morris: Yeah, Prue, but the department has all sorts of violence and the captain is calling in civil disturbances. In my professional opinion the whole city's lost its friggin' mind. We got street riots, looting, arson. We're two crimes away from being placed on tactical alert. You're not calling to tell me that all this trouble's because of you know what, are you? Prue: Yeah, well, possibly. We're actually researching that right now. We were kinda calling for your help. Morris: Look, I really can't leave right now. Prue: No, no, no, I-I understand and we're not quite there yet but it would really help to know where the latest hotspot is. [Scene: In a street. Police cars are there with emergency lights flashing. People are rioting. Prue, Piper and Phoebe get out of the car.] Prue: Don't freeze them yet. Don't let him know that we're here. Piper: Alright, alright. Phoebe: What the hell is wrong with these people? (They start walking through the crowd.) Piper: I can not wait to kick this guys butt all the way back to... (Phoebe and Piper get split up from Prue.) Alright, alright, this way, this way. (Piper spots Strife standing near by.) That's him, that's him. Phoebe: Well, let's go introduce ourselves. Piper: Prue! (She points to Strife. He sees them and runs off. Prue runs after him and Phoebe and Piper follow behind. Strife runs in an alley and around the corner where the other three horseman are.) Strife: There are three of them. (Prue runs around the corner.) Prue: There's four of you? (War walks towards her. She tries to use her power but it doesn't work. He grabs her. Piper and Phoebe come around the corner.) Phoebe: Prue! War: Stop or I'll snap her neck. (to Strife) Start the chant. (Strife starts a chant in a weird language.) Prue: (to Piper and Phoebe) Start the damn chant. (Phoebe and Piper get a piece of paper out of their pockets and starts the chant.) Phoebe, Piper: "Sower of discord, your works now must cease, I vanquish thee now, with these words of peace." (Piper throws a potion at Prue and War's feet and smoke rises around them. A bright light appears and then Prue and War disappear into a vortex.) Piper: Prue? Death: What the hell? (The horseman disappear.) Phoebe: What just happened? Piper: I think we just vanquished our sister. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Continued from before.] Piper: She's gone. Phoebe: We don't know that. Piper: Phoebe, we killed Prue. Phoebe: Piper, stop it okay. I don't wanna hear that. Piper: You think I wanna say it? I'm the one who made the potion, Phoebe, it's my fault. Phoebe: Okay, how about having a little faith. Alright, our magic has never let us down before. Piper: Well, there's a first time for everything isn't there. Phoebe: She's not dead. Piper: How do you know that? Phoebe: Because, Piper, I have no choice but to believe in us and in our magic. Come here. (She puts her arm around her.) Okay, look, if she were dead, we would see her spirit, right? So maybe because we brought the wrong spell something weird happened. Maybe it just sent them some place. Piper: Where? Phoebe: I don't know but I believe that we can figure it out and I need you to believe that too. We have Leo and we have the book and we have each other. We can save Prue. There's gotta be a way. [Scene: Horsemen's Headquarters. The three horsemen are there.] Famine: There's no way, he's dead and so are we. Strife: He's not dead, he can't be dead. Maybe shifted to another plane but he can not be dead. Only the source can kill us. We are the anointed ones. The four horsemen of the apocalypse. Death: The source won't hesitate to kill us of we miss our deadline. Famine: We were so close. How did this happen? Death: Somebody got sloppy and attracted a witch. Strife: We will not fail. Death: Other teams have failed. They blew it and they paid the price. Famine: Which we will too if we miss our deadline. And then he'll kill us and take four willing souls from in there and anoint them. They'll be the next four horsemen. Strife: Glad to see you two aren't giving up. Death: We need War. He's the big gun. He's the one who's gonna set nation against nation and do all the heavy work. Strife: Then we'll get him back. Famine: By 7:00? Strife: We have to. Now just listen to me, alright. Death: Who got vanquished and left you boss? Strife: I have a plan. Do you have a plan? Oh, of course you have a plan, the same plan you always have. Kill them all. Death: You looking for a fight? Strife: It's my specialty. Famine: We don't have much time. Hear him out. Strife: All we have to do is find out where he is. Let's pull out the old books, do some research. Alright, he has to be somewhere, we will bring him back. There's gotta be a way. [Apocalypse - 3 hours to go] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Leo's there. Phoebe and Piper walk in.] Phoebe: Maybe if we break down the spell and the potion. (Piper walks over to Leo and they hug.) Leo: I am so sorry. Phoebe: Did you find anything? Leo: I've been looking. Piper: And? Tell us you've found something. Leo: Look, I have been through the whole book and I can not find anything that matches the four beings you described. Phoebe: What about disappearances? Leo: Nothing. Phoebe: Okay, we have to look under botched vanquishes. Leo: Phoebe, I checked it all. I have been through the whole book. There is no explanation for what happened to Prue. Piper: But you agree she's not dead. (silence) I don't understand. Wait-wait, I, wait a minute, I-I can't do this. Phoebe tells me to have hope and you're telling me that there isn't any? I just need to know. (A breeze blows through the room. Piper gasps.) Leo: Are you okay? Piper: She's here. Phoebe: Who's here? Piper: Prue. She went right through me, I felt her presence. It's hard to describe but didn't you see her in the wind? Phoebe: She's in the wind? Piper: No, Phoebe, it's like she-she spoke to me, she's alive. Phoebe: Okay, are you sure because if she's in the wind doesn't that mean that she's a spirit? Piper: No. Leo: No, she could be on another plane trying to break through. Phoebe: Okay, well, then we have to help her. (calling out) Uh, Prue? Prue, honey, are you still here? Help us find you, Prue. (The pointer on the spirit board moves.) H, E, L, P. Honey, how can we help you? (Phoebe gasps.) Piper: What was that? Did she do it to you too? Phoebe: No, it was something else. Or someone else. Evil. Cult. (A bubble-like figure appears and lands on the spirit board. You see Prue's face in it for a second and it disappears.) Piper: What is that? Prue? (Then a red bubble-like figure appears and chases the other around the room.) Leo: She's alive but she's in trouble. Piper: Okay, so she's alive and if she can find us then we can find her. Phoebe: So it must be the four suit that's after her. Maybe the combination of our magic did this to them. Leo: Which means we need to figure out who those suits are. Piper: Okay, Leo, you go ask your bosses whoever they are, whatever they are, who those guys are and how to get our sister back. Now orb faster. (Leo orbs out. Phoebe walks over to the Book Of Shadows.) Phoebe: Wind. Piper: Wind? Phoebe: What else? Can you think of anything else? Piper: Mist. [Scene: Horsemen's headquarters.] Famine: I've checked everywhere. I can't figure out what happened. Strife: I'm telling you it is the witches. They did this, they must know. (A guy walks up to Death.) Death: What? Guy: You should know we're losing momentum across the board especially in war. Peace has broken out in several areas this afternoon. (They guy leaves.) Death: Damn it. If we're going down, we're not going alone. Let's find those damn witches and take them down too. (War shows up on the TV.) Famine: War. It's him, he's alive. Death: Hang in there, partner. We'll get you back then we'll punish those witches. War: No, cease fire. Cooperation. Strife: Wait, you want us to work with the witches? War: Get them to free me. Famine: How are we supposed to find them? War: Ask the source. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe and Piper are there. Piper's staring at the spirit board and Phoebe's taking notes from the Book Of Shadows.] Phoebe: I still haven't found her ---- but I think I have an idea of where Prue might be. Piper: And how to get her back? Because we have to do that before this thing hurts her. Phoebe: Well, remember when Leo said that Prue might be on another plane? Well, maybe we banished her somehow. Now, there are eleven planes of existence. Piper: Eleven planes? We don't have time to search eleven planes. Prue's been quiet for a really long time, maybe we're too late. Phoebe: Piper, stay with me, okay. We can not give up. (Leo orbs in.) Piper: Did you find out where she is? Leo: No, but I have a message from them. Piper: She's not...? Leo: No, no. While I was there they was contacted by their counter parts on the other side. Phoebe: Are you telling me evil called good and good answered? Leo: These suits that you're dealing with have the highest possible connections. Their bosses talk to my bosses. Piper: About Prue? Leo: About the whole situation. They wanna have a meeting with you. Piper: Uh, what could they possibly want from us? They already have Prue. Leo: Prue and their partner are trapped in another world between good and evil. And the only way to release them is for good and evil to cooperate. You have to work with the suits. Piper: Are we allowed to do that? Leo: Look, all they told me was to give you the message and to let you decide whether you wanted to do it. Phoebe: Did they mention what they think we should do? Leo: Free will. It's a big thing with them. Phoebe: Wonderful. So where's the meeting? Leo: You're gonna do it? Phoebe: I'm sorry, Leo, did you show up to the party late? Of course we're gonna do it. Leo: Phoebe, you can never get into bed with evil, you know that. It could be a trap. Piper: Leo, thank you for your opinion but your bosses did say that they were leaving the decision up to us so maybe you should too. Leo: Look, I can't. Alright, the last time that you went up against this evil you lost Prue. Alright, now you're gonna go up against it again? Both of you could be lost this time. Phoebe: But we're not gonna go up against them, we're gonna work with them, right? Leo: But they'll betray you. Alright, this is how evil works. This is why evil loves free will so much. Because humans use it to follow their heart. And evil takes advantage of that. Piper: So Leo, what are our options? Leo: You have to try and save her by yourselves. Phoebe: But Leo, we don't know how. We have to work with them. Leo: But you don't even know who they are. Phoebe: We tried to find them but they weren't in the book. Leo: Which means they probably aren't even demons or warlocks anyway. Phoebe: Okay, then what are they? Leo: In the hierarchy of demons. Ferocious, impossible to vanquish. And these went to extraordinary lengths to ask for this meeting. Who knows what'll happen when the four of them are reunited. Piper: I don't care what happens, we just want Prue back. Leo: So do I but this is not the way. Phoebe: Leo, it's the only way we know. We have to save Prue. [Scene: A field. Piper and Phoebe are waiting there.] Piper: This is where we were supposed to come, right? Phoebe: Right. Piper: And it's not a trap, right, please tell me we're doing the right thing. (The horsemen appear.) Phoebe: Or we're making the biggest mistake in the world. Strife: Thank you for coming. And you are? Piper: Anxious to get this over with, let's go. Strife: Are you in a hurry? Phoebe: You stalling? Strife: You want your sister back? Piper: Do you want your friend back? Strife: Let's do business. (He holds out his hand. Piper hesitates for a moment but then shakes his hand. You hear a crack of thunder.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Leo and the three horsemen are there. Phoebe picks up a plant off the table and the horsemen step back in alarm.] Horsemen: Whoa, hey, what are you doing? Phoebe: Just making room. Strife: Of course. (Strife reaches in his coat and Phoebe gasps.) Taking notes. (He pulls out a pen.) Phoebe: Of course. Strife: Old habits are hard to break. I'm sure we can put that all aside and get this done. Famine: Or die trying. (Piper walks in.) Leo: (whispers to Piper) You know, it's bad enough working with them but to bring them here. Piper: To the manor where we're the strongest and safest or maybe we should've gone to their place not that they offered. Leo: And why not? Hmm? Why give up home field advantage unless they're hiding something. Piper: Of course they're hiding something, they're evil. Phoebe: Okay, if we can reconstruct exactly what happened in the alley, we might be able to figure out what sent them away and undo that. (Phoebe has placed some items on the table. Death moves one.) Death: I was standing there. Piper: No, actually, I was there, you were here. (She moves them back.) Famine: No, he's right. It was more like this. (He moves them back.) Phoebe: Okay, you know what? If we can't agree on this, we're not gonna get anything done. Strife: Okay, it was more like this. I was here, (he moves one) here, (he moves another) and our missing friends were here. (When he finishes moving them, there are five on the outside in a circle and one in the middle.) Piper: Phoebe. Phoebe: I see it, Piper. Famine: What? What do you see? (Piper and Phoebe take some long stemmed flowers out of a vase and place them on the table in the shape of a pentagram.) Death: Pentagram, our lucky sign. Phoebe: Actually, a pentagram is a sign of good energy until your side stole it. Piper: Okay, is it possible that the five of us by forming a pentagram somehow created some weird magical energy field? Phoebe: With Prue and your friend in the middle. There must of been a vortex. Okay, if we can figure out how we opened it, then maybe we can figure out how to open it again. Strife: And release them. Leo: And who knows what else. Death: This is good, keep it up. I'll check things back at the office. Page me when you have the answer. Ladies. (He leaves.) Leo: I'm leaving too. (Piper walks over to Leo.) Piper: Where are you going? Leo: (whispering) I'm gonna follow this guy back and find out who he is. (Leo orbs out.) Famine: What is he? Piper: He is none of your business. Okay, since this is supposed to be a joint effort, what is your contribution? Strife: Perhaps it was the combination of our chants that opened this vortex. Phoebe: What language were you chanting in? Strife: Actually it's a dead language that we sometimes use for ceremonial purposes. Piper: How festive. Strife: I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. Piper: Okay, while you two do that, I'll go remake the potion 'cause we're probably going to need it. Famine: Mind if I watch? Piper: Yes I do. (Piper goes in the kitchen and Famine follows.) [Scene: Horsemen's headquarters. Death walks down the corridor. Leo orbs in. Someone walks out of a room and sees Leo.] Guy: Who the hell are you and what the... (Leo punches him in the face.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe and Strife are sitting on the couch.] Strife: It's your standard chant to destroy the common witch. Clearly you're no common witch though. Phoebe: Thank you. Strife: Okay, first line. I'll interpret. I call you servants of the unholy and then... Phoebe: Now, being a bad guy and all, you wouldn't happen to be lying to me would you? Strife: Being a bad guy and all, would you believe me if I told you no? [Cut back to the Horsemen's headquarters. Leo's walking down the corridor wearing a suit and tie.] [Cut to a room.] Death: I don't like these numbers at all. I gave specific instructions to spread cholera. Especially in central Asia. What happened? I'm asking you a question. If somebody is vaccinating these people I wanna know about it. (Leo stands at the doorway.) Find out now. Small pox outbreak in Venezuela. Let it spread. [Cut back to the manor. Kitchen. Piper notices Famine rubbing his neck. He has a tattoo there.] Piper: What is that? Tattoo? Famine: Yes. Piper: What does it mean? Famine: Nothing. Goes with the job. What are you doing? Piper: I am recreating the potion I made for our first meeting. I think it might help get Prue and... Famine: Our friend. Piper: Back. So what are you four up to? Famine: You really expect me to answer that? Piper: Well, we're supposed to be working together and we don't know anything about each other. Famine: I know you are a witch. Piper: And you are...? Famine: Not. Look, we just want our partner back, that's all you need to know. It's all business, just like it is for you. Piper: No, she's our sister, it's completely personal. Famine: Every mortal's weakness. That's why you always lose. Piper: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Strife and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: Well, this is great, we both did spells the same time but we did it on the wrong people. So I think that we... (she notices Strife staring at her) Am I the only one that's working here? Strife: Have you always been a witch? Phoebe: What? Why? Strife: I don't know, there's something about you. You ever been a demon? Phoebe: I think we need to get back to our chants. Strife: Meaning yes? Phoebe: No. I have never been a demon. Strife: You know, we're not that different. Phoebe: No, we're both trying to undo the other side. Strife: I wanted the challenge. Phoebe: I think I figured out how good and evil mix together. Strife: To such powerful results. Phoebe: I know how to undo that. (The bubble-like figure appears and floats past Phoebe. She gasps.) Strife: You alright? Phoebe: No, uh, I'm a bit queasy. (Phoebe notices the bubble-like figure and it floats over to the spirit board. The pointer moves to 4 then to H then to O. The red bubble-like figure appears and knocks the pointer on the floor. They both jump up.) Strife: What's going on? Phoebe: I don't know. (The bubble-like figures fly around the room and knock a picture off the wall. They disappear.) Strife: What did you do? Phoebe: I didn't do anything, what did you do? (Piper and Famine come in.) Famine: What happened? Strife: Hard to say. Piper: Are you alright? Phoebe: I'm not sure. Famine: So do you have an answer yet? Phoebe: Reverse polarity. Famine: In the pentagram. Phoebe: And in the chants. If we stand in opposite points and say the opposite words in chant, save instead of vanquish and so on... Strife: It will reopen the vortex and get them back and we can get back to business. Phoebe: And we can get on with our lives. Strife: It's 6:00 now so why don't we go back to the office, get organised and we can all meet up at 6:30 sharp. We, uh, have an appointment at 7:00. (They leave.) Piper: Okay, what really happened? Phoebe: It was Prue. She was trying to spell something out on the spirit board but all I got was 4 H O. Piper: 4HO... Four hours? Maybe she feels that's all the time she has left. [Apocalypse - 49 minutes to go] [Scene: Headquarters. Leo's in a room looking around. He looks on the wall and notices the four horsemen's faces with their names underneath and numbers underneath that.] Leo: It can't be. (A guy storms down the corridor.) Guy: Security bridge. Grab him. (Leo orbs out.) Death: Never mind him, keep working, we're running out of time. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper's still making the potion.] Piper: Are you sure they're willing to do their half? Phoebe: They seem to want this as badly as we do. (Leo orbs in.) Great, you're here. We're done, we have everything figured out. Leo: You sure? Piper: Leo, what are you wearing? Where have you been? Leo: I just followed the black tie back to his office. Piper: Leo, they'll think we don't trust them. Leo: And you shouldn't trust them, Piper. You wanna know who they are? They are the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Piper: The four-four... That's what Prue was trying to tell us. Leo: Don't you understand what's at stake here? If you save Prue, you will release the fourth horseman and bring about the end of the world. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Piper and Leo are there.] Leo: I don't believe you. Piper: Leo, it doesn't change anything, we would help the source himself if we thought we could get Prue back. Leo: Listen, they wear the mark of the anointed ones. The omega. It means the end. Piper: The tattoo on the neck? Leo: Yes. Look, the missing horseman is War. You've been dealing with Strife, Famine and Death. They're gonna begin the apocalypse as soon as they're reunited. Phoebe: I thought dodging the Y2K bullet bought us more time on the whole apocalypse thing. Leo: You know why nothing happened on New Years Eve? Because it wasn't the real millennium. The monks who converted the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar made some critical errors. Piper: So when does the new millennium start? Leo: Tonight. Approximately... Phoebe: 7:00. Which is probably why they wanna meet us at 6:30. Leo: Right, then all four horsemen can be in place to begin the apocalypse. You can not let that happen. Piper: Leo, we know what we're doing. Leo: No, you don't. You're thinking like sisters, mortal sisters. Piper: Well, what are we supposed to think like? Leo: Like the Charmed Ones. You have a duty. Piper: To save our sister. Phoebe: Look, Leo, we've made up our mind. We're gonna save Prue. It's not like we can beat them without her. Leo: Only the source can vanquish them, Phoebe. For failing. Think of the times the world has been on the brink. Hitler, the Cuban missile crisis. Each time a team of horsemen has almost succeeded and then failed and been destroyed and replaced by a new team. Piper: So then we'll make sure that they'll fail too. Leo: They are closer than any team has ever been. Piper: Then we obviously need Prue to beat them. Leo: Oh my God, you have not heard a thing I've said. Look, I love Prue too, you know that. But just like when you went to the future you saw that sometimes there are more important things than saving your sister. [Apocalypse - 2 minutes to go] [Scene: Alley. The horsemen are there.] Famine: Give it up. If War's not back soon we're history. The source is going to burn us off the map. Strife: We are not going down alone. Instead of just standing here, let's go hunt those witches down and kill them. Death: I told you they'd double cross us. That's why they sent their man in to spy on us. (Piper and Phoebe walk around the corner.) Piper: We were doing research, it's just good business. Death: Let's just kill them now. Phoebe: Oh, but you need us. You can't end the world without us. Strife: So you know who we are. Phoebe: Yeah, and we came anyway. See, on our side of things we call that good faith. Famine: Call it whatever you want. Let's just do it. Hurry. You ready? Phoebe: Bring it on. (Phoebe and Strife shake hands. Phoebe has a premonition of the apocalypse.) Strife: Battle stations. (They stand in their places.) Piper: What did you see? Phoebe: Let's just get this over with. (Strife starts the chant. Piper then starts their chant.) Piper: "Sower of discord, your help we implore..." Phoebe. Phoebe: Leo's right. I saw what's gonna happen, Piper. We can't do this, we can't be selfish. Death: Why aren't you two chanting? (to Strife) You keep going. (to Phoebe and Piper) Why did you stop? Famine: We're running out of time. Death: Do you know what you're doing? You're killing your own sister. Phoebe: There's more at stake here then sisterhood. Strife: Finished. Did they finish? Piper: No, and we're not going to. Strife: We had a deal. We shook on it. Piper: That was a mistake in more ways than one. Phoebe: We know what you want. And we're gonna make sure you don't get it. Piper: Even if it means losing our sister forever. (The vortex opens.) Famine: Look, they didn't finish their chant, how can the vortex open? Strife: The source is opening it. (The horsemen start getting sucked into the vortex. Phoebe gets the chant our of her pocket.) Piper: What are you doing? Phoebe: Well, the vortex is open. If we can finish this before they're destroyed, maybe we can pull Prue out. Phoebe, Piper: "I summon thee now, with these words of truce." (Piper throws the potion in the vortex and Prue comes out. The horsemen disintegrate and the vortex closes.) Piper: Prue, are you alright? Phoebe: It's okay now, everything's gonna be okay now. Prue: Thanks for saving my life. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are sitting in the alcove. They're watching everyone dance.] Phoebe: Look at them. They'll all live to dance another day and what do we get? We saved the whole darn world. The least we can get is a thank you, you know. (Leo comes up to them.) Leo: Ladies. Phoebe: Hey, Leo. Leo: I know this has been hard on all of you. Phoebe: Yeah, well, we sort of made it hard on you too. Piper: Leo, it's just... Leo: It's okay, Piper, we were doing our job. Phoebe: Okay, the master of understatement, is there anything else? Leo: No, I was just at a meeting and they told me that it was your act of complete selflessness that stopped the source's plan from going forward. Prue: So the four horsemen were destroyed because Piper and Phoebe were willing to sacrifice me? Leo: The horsemen's bosses said that it was a sign that there were still too much good in the world to make the apocalypse successful. Piper: So are they giving up? Leo: No, in fact they'll probably try harder from now on. Phoebe: Do you wanna have a drink with us Leo? Leo: No, you need time together. Just you three. I'll see you. (He leaves.) Prue: You know, you two faced an incredibly hard thing and, um, you made the right decision. Through your own free will. Phoebe: I am so, so, so sorry, Prue. Piper: So am I. Prue: There's no apologies necessary. You were all just doing our jobs, I just have to deal with that. (The bartender comes up to them holding Phoebe's book.) Bartender: Everyone has to vote on this. What if a building was on fire? Do you save five strangers or one sibling? Prue, Piper, Phoebe: Five strangers.
doc_27
DRAGONFIRE PART TWO Run time: 24:40 [SCENE_BREAK] Lower level [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Hang on, are you sure this is the right way? Ace: Course I'm sure. Don't you trust me? Mel: I don't know. What with the dragon and all that. Ace: The dragon. It's just something to frighten little children with. It's like witches and goblins. There ain't no such thing. Ace: Wicked! Mel: Get down! Ace: That's not a real dragon. That was a laser beam. Mel: Look out! [SCENE_BREAK] Ice cliff [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz: It's no use, Doctor. I've located the Ice Garden but there's a distinct absence of dragon or treasure. The Doctor: Glitz, I sympathise with your disappointment, but I'm about to plummet to my death. Glitz: Oh, I suppose you want me to risk my neck and come and help you. The Doctor: Glitz! Glitz: All right, all right. Don't get your delicates in a twist. The Doctor: Glitz! [SCENE_BREAK] Refrigeration room [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: Belazs, you astound me. Those two girls should have been searched when they were arrested. You seem to be taking advantage of my former feelings for you. Be warned, the past is an empty slate. I demand absolute loyalty now and forever, and I don't forgive those who betray me. The girls must be stopped before they reach Glitz and the Doctor. They must be eradicated. Kane: What could be more appropriate than to despatch some of Glitz's former crew after the girls. He betrayed his crew, now they can have their revenge. Everyone should be allowed his moment of revenge. [SCENE_BREAK] Base of the Ice cliff [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: I say, thank you. Glitz: It's no use, Doctor. Even if we did find the treasure, it'd take us longer than seventy two hours, and Belazs said if I didn't return Kane's money within seventy two hours they'd confiscate my spacecraft. The Doctor: Why don't you explain the problem to him? Glitz: Oh, he'd slice his own mother up to make a point. If he was a mortician, the corpses would keep their eyes open. The Doctor: Ah. Glitz: In fact, if Kane knew we were after the... [SCENE_BREAK] Refrigeration room [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz (O.C.): Dragon's treasure, your life expectancy wouldn't be looking too clever at the moment. He's a cold man, Doctor. Cut him open and you won't find a heart, just a lump of ice. [SCENE_BREAK] Base of the Ice cliff [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: These types never have any sense of fair play. Glitz: Exactly. Which is why I've come to the conclusion that play it by the rules is a mug's game. I have decided to hijack the Nosferatu. Which is where you come in, Doctor. The Doctor: Ah, hang on there a minute, Glitz. I'm engaged in a project of scientific curiosity. I mean, that dragon, or whatever it may turn out to be, could be an undiscovered species. Glitz: Look, I'll do you a good deal. You help me get the Nosferatu back, and I'll give you the treasure map so's you and Mel can go looking for this dragon. I can't say fairer than that, can I? The Doctor: You have me there, Glitz. Without the map, I'll never find the creature. Glitz: You're a man of insight and logic, Doctor. The Doctor: All right, then. Where's the Nosferatu berthed? [SCENE_BREAK] Refrigeration room [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz (O.C.): In the lower docking bay. [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: A work of artistry, my friend. Incandescent artistry. I could almost believe Xana lives again. A unique beauty, yes, but more than that, a criminal genius also. Oh, what a waste. It should have been I who was killed escaping arrest, not you. [SCENE_BREAK] Top of the Ice cliff [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: You're joking. I'm not going down there. Mel: Look, there's the Doctor's brolly. We must be on the right track. Ace: What did he have to come this way for? I could break my neck. Mel: How are we going to get down there? Ace: Hang on. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower docking bay [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz: There's only one guard. Do you think you can occupy him while I slip on board? The Doctor: I'll do my best. Glitz: Go on, then. Away you go. The Doctor: Excuse me. What's your attitude towards the nature of existence? For example, do you hold any strong theological opinions? Guard: I think you'll find most educated people regard mythical convictions as fundamentally animistic. The Doctor: I see. That's a very interesting concept. Guard: Personally, I find most experiences border on the existential. The Doctor: Well, how do you reconcile that with the empirical critical belief that experience is at the root of all phenomena? Guard: I think you'll find that a concept can be philosophically valid even if theologically meaningless. The Doctor: So, what you're saying is that before Plato existed, someone had to have the idea of Plato. Guard: Oh, you've no idea what a relief it is for me to have such a stimulating philosophical discussion. There are so few intellectuals about these days. Tell me, what do you think of the assertion that the semiotic thickness of a performed text varies according to the redundancy of auxiliary performance codes? The Doctor: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Nosferatu [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz: Ah, my ship. Soon be light years away from this place. Belazs: I wouldn't touch those controls if I were you. [SCENE_BREAK] Base of the Ice cliff [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: Wicked. And the bilge bag said this was too dangerous for girls. [SCENE_BREAK] Nosferatu [SCENE_BREAK] Belazs: This spacecraft is mine. Glitz: Hang on, the seventy two hours aren't up yet. You said if I could get hold of the grotzits I could have the Nosferatu back. Belazs: Then I shall just have to make sure you don't manage to find the money in time. I shall have to make very sure. The Doctor: Hello. Not interrupting anything, am I? Belazs: What are you doing here? The Doctor: That's a very difficult question. Why is everyone round here so preoccupied with metaphysics? Glitz: I think she's going to kill us, Doctor. The Doctor: Ah. An existentialist. Belazs: Quiet! Only one of us can leave Iceworld aboard the Nosferatu, and one way or the other it's going to be me. Glitz: What about the boss, Mister Kane? Does he know of your little enterprise? Belazs: Kane doesn't own me. The Doctor: Oh, I think he does. I think he bought you like he buys everything in Iceworld. Belazs: What would you know about it? The Doctor: I think he bought you a long time ago. He paid seventeen crowns for each of Glitz's crew. How much did he pay for you? Was it worth it? Were you worth it? Belazs: That's what I sold myself for, Kane's mark. I ought to cut my hand off for doing it. Belazs: Go on, then. Kill me! Glitz: Well, come on, Doctor. We've got the Nosferatu back. Let's get out of here. The Doctor: No, Glitz. You can't go on stealing everything you want, like this Stradivarius and that Dutch master. Pay Kane back his debt, even if it costs a thousand crowns, ten thousand crowns. Pay back the debt. And as for you, your debt to Kane, I don't think you'll be able to pay it off. Ever. [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: The whole of eternity has held its breath for this moment. But no one must ever see your work. It exists, that is enough. No one can ever look upon your work and live. Gaze on it and die fulfilled. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower levels [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: What's the matter? Ace: Shush. Did you hear that? Mel: Hear what? Ace: I thought I heard something. Mel: Well, what kind of something? Ace: I don't know. Can you see anything? Mel: Look out! Ace: Run! The Doctor: I think we go straight on. Either that, or we don't. Glitz: Well, now that we've found the Dragonfire, what's next on your list of tourist attractions, Doctor? The Doctor: Well, I'm not absolutely certain this one's over yet. The Doctor: It must be generating a spot temperature in excess of fifteen hundred Celsius. Mel: Right, cover your ears. Ace: Ace! Yeah, good job. Throw the other one. Ace: Yeah, go for it, tiger. That was well brill. Mel: We're not in the clear yet. Ace: I don't believe it. Not after two cans of Nitro. Nothing can survive that. Come on, Mel, shift! Mel: Okay! Ace: Come on! Come on, wake up. Mel: Oh, what happened? Ace: It's all right, doughnut. He's gone. Glitz: Get back, Doctor. The Doctor: No, Glitz, don't. Glitz: Why? The Doctor: We've got no right to kill. Glitz: Why didn't it kill us? The Doctor: Perhaps we'd better ask it. [SCENE_BREAK] Refrigeration room [SCENE_BREAK] Kracauer: Can't sleep, Belazs? Belazs: How old do you think I am, Kracauer? Kracauer: Thirty three, thirty four? Belazs: And how old do you think I was when I first agreed to join Kane? Sixteen. That was a long time ago. Do you see this? Kracauer: Yes, the mark of the sovereign. Belazs: You'd have thought it would begin to disappear after twenty years. Kracauer: We sold ourselves. We knew what we were doing. We had a choice. Belazs: I was sixteen. Kracauer: Even at sixteen we had a choice. Belazs: He'll kill us. He'll find someone younger and he'll kill us unless we kill him first. Kracauer: How do you propose to do that? Belazs: With heat. Even here in Iceworld it's too warm for him. I've seen inside the restricted zone. That's where he keeps his refrigeration unit. He has to return there whenever his body temperature rises too high. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower levels [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: Do you want some coffee? Mel: Oh, thanks. Ace: Do you know what I did for a job when they threw me out of school? Mel: No. Ace: I worked as a waitress in a fast food cafe. Day in, day out, same boring routine. Some boring life. It was all wrong. It didn't feel like me that was doing it at all. I felt like I'd fallen from another planet and landed in this strange girl's body, but it wasn't me at all. I was meant to be somewhere else. Each night I'd walk home and I'd look up at the stars through the gaps in the clouds, and I tried to imagine where I really came from. I dreamed that one day everything would come right. I'd be carried off back home, back to my real mum and dad. Then it actually happened and I ended up here. Ended up working as a waitress again, only this time I couldn't dream about going nowhere else. There wasn't nowhere else to go. [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: One day, when we return home, I shall erect colossal statues in your honour. Computer: Current ambient temperature minus ten Celsius. Target temperature minus a hundred and ninety three Celsius. Cabinet temperature dropping. [SCENE_BREAK] Lower levels [SCENE_BREAK] Ace: There's something I've never told anyone. Do you promise not to laugh, and not to tell no one? Mel: Of course. Ace: It's my name. It's not really Ace. My real name's Dorothy. That's how I knew they couldn't be my real mum and dad. My real mum and dad would never have given me a naff name like Dorothy. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] Computer: Minus one hundred and fifty. Minus one hundred and sixty. Minus one hundred and seventy. Computer: Cabinet temperature rising. Minus one hundred and sixty. [SCENE_BREAK] Ice junction [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Down there? Ace: I suppose so. The Doctor: Ah, Mel, you've brought my umbrella. Mel: Oh, Doctor! Ace: Professor! Bilge bag. Glitz: What's that? The Doctor: Now, now, stop this squabbling. There's no place for animosity on a serious scientific undertaking. Mel: Do you mean the dragon? The Doctor: Well, it's not so much a dragon as more of a semi-organic vertebrate with a highly developed cerebral cortex. Ace: And it's got laser beams in its eyes. It tried to kill us. Mel: Yes. The Doctor: Really? Well, I wonder what you did to annoy it? Ace: It just came at us, Professor. No warning. The Doctor: Really. Well, let's see what this vertebrate with laser beams has got to say for itself. The Doctor: Hello. Where might you have popped up from, then? Mel: He's been sent by Kane, Doctor. Ace: He's got masses of them frozen in his deep freeze. The Doctor: Cryogenesis, eh? Glitz: Hang about. I'd recognise that mutinous expression anywhere. Ace: Friend of yours, is he? Glitz: Pudovkin, old son, you've no idea how pleased I am to see you again. The Doctor: It's no good, Glitz. Ace says he's been cryogenically frozen. Glitz: What about the time we captured that space freighter loaded up with all that natural fruit alcohol. We got well dehydrated that night, didn't we? The Doctor: It's no use. Deep cryogenics freezes the neural pathways. Glitz: Oh, come on, old son. A joke's a joke. It's me, Sabalom Glitz. The Doctor: It's completely impossible for him to recall any events prior to cryogenesis. Pudovkin: I remember. The Doctor: Except in cases of overwhelming hatred or anger. Pudovkin: I remember how you always had the best of our pickings. Glitz: I don't recall. Pudovkin: I remember. I remember how you sold our entire crew to Kane to be frozen as mercenaries. Glitz: Oh now, come on, old son, don't go jumping to conclusions. Ace: I thought he was a friend of yours. Glitz: More of an acquaintance, actually. The Doctor: We don't mean you any harm. Do you understand? Mel: It's friendly. Ace: It wants us to go with it, Professor. The Doctor: Well, let's see what our new friend wants to show us, shall we? [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] Computer: Warning, defrost threshold crossed. Cabinet temperature rising. Plus one Celsius. Plus two Celsius. Plus three Celsius. Computer: Plus four Celsius. Kane: What's happening? Can't breathe. Too warm. Kracauer, what is this? Kane: No, not my statue. No! Who has desecrated the monument? Who? Kane: Belazs. Computer: Target temperature minus a hundred and ninety three Celsius. Temperature dropping to zero Celsius. Minus ten Celsius. Minus twenty Celsius. [SCENE_BREAK] Singing Trees [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: This is beautiful, Doctor. Ace: Here, I can hear singing. Where's it coming from, Professor? The Doctor: I think he wants us to watch. Ace: What's he doing, Professor. The Doctor: Ah, so that's what this is all about, a polydimensional scanning imager. And I bet the creature's using itself as the energy source. Archivist: Planetary archives, criminal history segment ninety three twelve oh three. Two of the most vicious examples of the criminal mentality have been the leaders of the notorious Kane-Xana gang. Until its demise, this gang carried out systematic violence and extortion unequalled in its brutality. In view of the sheer evil of his crimes, Kane is to be exiled from the planet Proamon and never allowed to return home. He will be banished to the barren planet of Svartos, which has a permanently frozen dark side on which he can survive. [SCENE_BREAK] Refrigeration room [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: Ah, my dear Belazs. You know, I've been thinking. I've been thinking of your request to leave. You've been with me a long time now. I've grown very fond of you, but I've been thinking it over carefully and I've decided. You may leave me. Belazs: Leave? Kane: Whenever you wish. Go in fortune and happiness. Kane: You traitor. I've been planning my revenge for three thousand years. How can you stand in my way now I am so close? [SCENE_BREAK] Singing Trees [SCENE_BREAK] Archivist: Kane's partner, the woman Xana, killed herself during the final siege of the gang's headquarters to avoid being arrested and tried for her crimes. The Doctor: Fascinating. Mel: Well, that explains about Kane, but where does the creature come from? Glitz: And what about the fabulous treasure? Is this it? The Doctor: Oh, no, no. We might be deep beneath Iceworld, but Kane could find his way here easily enough. No, the treasure's got to be somewhere else, somewhere beyond Kane's reach. What does he fear most? Ace: Heat. It'll kill him. The Doctor: Precisely. And what better way of protecting the real treasure than to leave a fire-breathing dragon to guard it? What better protection than if the dragon is the treasure. Mel: The creature, the treasure? The Doctor: Am I right? Are you the one that everyone's looking for, treasure? Glitz: It must be worth a fortune. The Doctor: No, look past the gold and the gemstone, Glitz. Look at the fire inside. A source of intense optical energy. [SCENE_BREAK] Restricted zone [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor (O.C.): Look at it through Kane's eyes. See it as an evil mind would see it. Kane: At last. After three thousand years, the Dragonfire shall be mine.
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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] DELILAH: Sanctum was colonized by a team from Earth made up of families... the Primes. GABRIEL: Not everyone believes in the divinity of the Primes. RUSSELL: Children of Gabriel. Nonbelievers must be purified! WOMAN: Die, nonbelievers! CLARKE: No! RUSSELL: It will be your great honor to become one with Simone Prime. CLARKE: I tried to do better. And then I lost my mom. RAVEN: The Flame. We have to take it out. I'm not the Commander anymore. INDRA: Raven, Sheidheda. NIYLAH: Where did he go? GABRIEL: No one has ever come out of the Anomaly. - OCTAVIA: Hope. - HOPE: I'm so sorry, Octavia. - ECHO: Knife! - BELLAMY: No! Octavia! Octavia! [INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO] Octavia! [SOBBING] Bellamy? Bellamy! - [GASP] - Whoa, whoa, easy. HOPE: Where am I? You're OK. Uh, Bellamy she's awake. Who are you? I was about to ask you the same. Octavia called you Hope. The name Diyoza chose for her unborn child. Diyoza? Octavia? You're, uh... you're hurt. Let me take a look. Let me see. [THUD] [COUGHING] Hope, wait! [GRUNTING] Bellamy! Echo! ECHO: We're not alone. Back inside. Watch the girl. She's already gone. Come on. We can still catch her. Something else came through. Welcome to the party. Where's Bellamy? It took him towards the Anomaly. No, no, no, no. Time's not behaving. We have to get to him first. Echo, you can't shoot what you can't see. Stop talking. I'm opening up a path. Follow me! [GUNFIRE] [DOG BARKING] MADI: Hello. You said I could start school today. Why are we here? I thought maybe you'd like to see our new home. Russell built it for Simone so she'd have a place that reminded her of the farm she grew up on, back on Earth, before the bombs. Picasso comes with it. We can keep her? Thank you, Clarke. [DOG BARKING] CLARKE: Let's go inside. MADI: Come on, girl. I don't know what I like less... lying about the Flame or making Madi pretend she's still Commander. Indra thinks it could split Wonkru. You don't agree? I do, and I know we need them unified to keep the peace here. Just... I worry about Madi. Yeah. For now, we keep it quiet. Indra can say that she speaks for heda. But Madi is out of it. She finally gets to be a kid. Come on. There are plenty of rooms for all of us. [INDISTINCT CHATTER OUTSIDE] INDRA: Heda. If you don't mind, you're needed elsewhere. - CLARKE: Where? - INDRA: We've been here a day, and Wonkru hasn't seen her. GAIA: Mother, don't be so dramatic. Go on, Madi. Eat your lunch. It's OK. Come on, girl. Let's go. [INDISTINCT CHATTER OUTSIDE] MAN: Hey, Madi. She seems OK. - INDRA: She is. - GAIA: She will be. GAIA: There's never been an ex-Commander before. We don't know how having the Flame removed will affect her. Not to mention being taken over by... Sheidheda's gone. Are we sure about that? He's gone. I didn't mean... I... I would just feel better if I knew where that code ended up, that's all. CLARKE: Ok. Then on your next supply run to the mothership, you can search the computer again. Meantime, we have to establish a routine. Not just for Madi but for all of us. Sanctum is broken, and it's our job to put it back together. If we focus on that, we'll be OK. Now let's eat so we can get back to work. One of us needs to represent the Commander. And I'm hungry. Mothers and daughters. I'm sorry. It's OK, Raven. I'm fine. [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] MAN: ♪ I got darkness on my mind ♪ ♪ so the question Mark, it keeps me looking... ♪ Her motor functions seem normal. CLARKE: Madi, come on. Let's eat. I want to show you your new room. OK. Come on, Picasso. MURPHY: I see you took the master suite. NIYLAH: To the victor go the spoils. We all share the clothes, though. EMORI: It's fine, Clarke. Our room is fine. A little tight, but we'll make it work. Maybe Daniel and Kaylee Prime should live in the palace. Daniel and Kaylee Prime saved your ass, Miller. But a thank you would do. EMORI: Speak for yourself. That palace is... INDRA: No one lives in the palace, least of all us. Being seen as conquerors will only make keeping the peace harder. Ahem. Our first meal in our new home. To absent friends. And departed ones - MILLER: To Abby. - ALL: To Abby. Hey! What the hell is your problem? I'm sorry, but I'm not just gonna sit here while he drinks to the woman that he got killed. I didn't know what Russell was gonna do. OK, I... Clarke, you have to believe me. I didn't know. I believe you. Dwelling on the past is not going to get this compound running. And it won't get our compound built. [BREATHING HEAVILY] What the... [GROANING LOUDLY] INDRA: The people of Sanctum have lost their way of life, but many still believe in the Primes. They blame us. Faith is a powerful thing. A dangerous thing. We can expect conflict between believers and nonbelievers. To make matters worse, the Children of Gabriel are here. Sanctum is their home, too. They want Russell Prime and anyone who believes in him dead. At the moment, they, too, are our allies. Add to that hardened criminals from Earth who Wonkru was at war with a few days ago, and I say we have our hands full being the keepers of the peace. At the point of a gun? Until we're sure all the guns are rounded up, Wonkru will be armed. MURPHY: An army of cannibal peacekeepers, huh? What could go wrong? Remind me again how long we gotta wait until our compound gets built. Two years if everything goes perfectly. MAN: Hey! Get away from there! So years. [INDISTINCT CHATTER] INDRA: All right. Stop staring. It's time to go to work. Heda. Go learn something, OK? Bodyguards? Yeah. But not so close and make sure they leave her alone. Copy that. Too many people. RAVEN: Good thing A.L.I.E.'s not around. There you are. Thank God. James, what is it? The reactor again? No. This is more explosive than that. NIKKI: What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? I'd love for you to say that again. TREY: Wait. Don't hurt him. Please. JORDAN: Trey, it's OK. I just meant this palace is sacred to them. I'm sure we can find you someplace else... Don't mind my wife. She's more bark than bite. Hmm. NELSON: This looks like fun. Criminals and fools. What seems to be the problem? HATCH: There's no problem. Me and my friends here, we're just looking for a place to lay our heads. You can't do it here. This unholy shrine is now controlled by the Children of Gabriel. TREY: Like hell it is. NELSON: Oh. Maybe you didn't hear, but your gods are dead and they are not coming back this time. Tell that to Russell Prime, null. I will. Right before we burn him at the stake. You think killing our god will get your parents to love you again? [NELSON AND TREY GRUNT] Now my money's on the guys with the guns. [DOORS OPEN, GUNS COCK] INDRA: Children of Gabriel, stand down, now. The other guns. Here comes the part where the convicts take the blame. CLARKE: Wrong. But when we woke you to clear the ground for our compound, you agreed to stay in tents. The palace is off limits. MILLER: That goes for the Children of Gabriel, too. OK. OK, yeah, that's... that's fine. We'll... we'll take your scraps for now. But if we're gonna do the work, then we're gonna hold you to the meaning of the words "our compound." Mm. Let's go. Jordan. You weren't at the farmhouse. We saved you a room. I'm OK above the tavern. Clarke, these people want to see Russell. INDRA: Out of the question. NELSON: I told you, you'll see him when he burns. Maybe take a log off the fire. No one is burning at the stake. Not anymore. Then what's being done with him? We haven't figured that out yet. But he's being well cared for. We can't just take your word for that. You're talking about the man who killed her mother. I suggest you say thank you and be on your way. Indra, it's OK. Look, you seem to get on just fine with Jordan. If you won't take my word for it, how about you take his? [DOOR OPENS] JORDAN: I know what that's like. To lose your family years ago and yesterday at the same time. Did you kill yours? Didn't think so. You understand a bare whisper of the agony I feel. Is that why you're not eating? Or sleeping, from the looks of it? I don't need sleep or food. I need death! You look surprised. Or is that concern I see? Why are you here? Your people wanted to make sure you're being treated well. Why do they trust you? Never mind. I don't care. Tell them I'm being treated better than I deserve. Now get out! I think you should have this. [SIGH] You were adjusted. So, now you believe in the divinity of the Primes? Is that it? No. I know you're just a man who lost his way. Then tell me... what did you see? You got a glimpse. A glimpse? Of the truth greater than us all. Yes. No. I don't know. Let me guess. You saw this. You saw it, too? Of course. I created all of Sanctum in its image. What does it mean? I stopped trying to answer that question years ago. Looks like it's your cross to bear now. Unless you're prepared to do the same to me, we're done here. [DOOR CLOSES] ECHO: Bellamy! Call out if you can hear me! [BOTH PANTING] What the hell are you doing? Making sure we're not being followed. Followed by what? Have you ever seen anything like that? No. [RUSTLING] [GUNSHOT] GABRIEL: Hope, no, stop. [WOMEN GRUNTING] I don't want to hurt you. Who are you? Where's Octavia, and why are they taking Bellamy to the Anomaly? Bellamy's gone? GABRIEL: You know him? You remember? No. You called to him from the tent. This... was in my arm. "Trust Bellamy." I don't remember putting it there, but I think I must have. It's another code. Like the one on Octavia's back. What's it for? - HOPE: I don't know. - ECHO: Stop lying! GABRIEL: Easy. Octavia lost her memory, too. Must be a result of moving through the Anomaly. - HOPE: What's the Anomaly? - ECHO: You tell us. GABRIEL: It's the sound you hear. You said Octavia's name right before you stabbed her. You remembered then, and you remember now. The Anomaly was on top of us then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, then she lost her memory when it receded... taking Octavia with it. Why just her? Why the memory loss? None of this makes any sense, but, my God, it's incredible. We need to get to Bellamy. How fast can you run? I don't know. Let's find out. [INDISTINCT CHATTER] [MEN CHEERING] MURPHY: Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. EMORI: Stop it. Here. Listen to this. Kaylee changed because of love, too. Isaac, a null, made her see what they'd become. Aww. Farmer loving the pig she leads to the slaughter. Jackson didn't mean it, John. You didn't kill Abby. Russell did. I told her that it was gonna be good for her. I told them that Abby could make Nightblood out of bone marrow. You did that to save us all. I helped Josephine convince Abby that she was Clarke. Blessed is Daniel. Blessed is... I... I'm so sorry, my lord. I got this. It's OK. He's clearly had enough. Look, you got it all wrong. I know you think that I'm... RAVEN: Daniel, can I... Can I talk to you? I just need a minute. Act like you hardly know me. What the hell are you talking about? This place is a powder keg. Oh, this is good. Miss morality wants us to be Primes. Newsflash: you are Primes. That bad choice has sailed. But if these people actually believe you're Daniel and Kaylee, it may still do us some good. The answer's no. Daniel. He blames himself for Abby. RAVEN: This can't be good. How's Russell? - TREY: What'd he say? - JORDAN: It's OK. TREY: Don't tell me it's OK. We have to help him. Everyone, let's go. Let's go. NELSON: Children of Gabriel, let's move. - RAVEN: Here we go again. - MAN: Get out of the way. Move. It's a riot again. JORDAN: Trey, just hang on for a second. TREY: Free Russell Prime! How dare you put him in a cage! NELSON: A cage is better than he deserves. [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] TREY: Everyone. We have to go back and get Russell out of there. CLARKE: Hey. They're going for Russell. TREY: Let us see our god! Let us see him! Give us Russell! I'm moving him to the palace where we can protect him. CLARKE: We said the palace was off limits. Every battle plan is perfect till the first shot is fired. RAVEN: And the Children of Gabriel? INDRA: They'll be unhappy. It's either this, or we execute him now and be done with it. Hey, thanks for your help. He wants to be killed. That's all I told them. Then let's give him what he wants. Death to Primes! [CROWD SHOUTING "DEATH TO PRIMES"] We have to do this now. NELSON: Death to Primes! Get back, get back! We're moving you someplace safe. Why are you protecting the man who killed your mother? Excellent question. If I could kill you for what you did, I wouldn't hesitate. Get him out of here. [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] NELSON: There he is! Death to Primes! TREY: We won't let you kill him! JORDAN: Hang on! We can figure this out. Get out of the way. We are moving him to the palace for his own safety. JORDAN: Nobody has to get hurt! Indra, stop! TREY: You don't belong here! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] [SCENE_BREAK] [LOUD BANG] Have we learned nothing? Huh? Let them pass! We can trust Wonkru. After all... we are one. We are one. [CROWD MURMURING "WE ARE ONE"] - Let's go. - Russell! - MAN: Let's go. - SECOND MAN: Right now. "We are one"? It's from Kaylee's journal. Her slogan when she stopped oblation. You are so hot right now. Sister. My idea. Good one. Of course, now the Children of Gabriel want them dead. The lengths some people will go to live in a castle. EMORI: We get to live in the castle? MILLER: If they're gonna get murdered in their sleep, better there than at the farmhouse with us. RAVEN: He does have a point. I need my hours. OK. For now. At least until they kill you. Why did you draw these? Mm, I don't know. I was bored while they were teaching us about the Primes. Why are they still doing that if they know the truth? I suppose sometimes belief is stronger than the truth. [FOOTSTEPS] [DOOR OPENS] Hi. Sorry we're late. No problem. I hope you don't mind that Madi and I already ate. You know, while you were off rebuilding Sanctum by hand. Who knew putting a broken society back together would be hard work? Clarke... I don't care that you're late. I care why you are. CLARKE: Madi, Indra's right. We have a lot of work to do. Stop it. Talk to me. I know what it's like to lose a mom. And I can help. Hey. I'm still here. You didn't lose me. Not you, Clarke. She died in my arms. I know what that's like. Well, the woman I floated was not my mom. I'm fine, Madi. Really. I'm going to bed. [SIGH] Not my finest moment. INDRA: Don't be so hard on yourself. You handled that well. GAIA: You would think that. After my father died, crying was forbidden. We were at war. It made you strong. It made me become a Fleimkepa. The question is, who is the fleimkepa without a Flame? We all have to find our own new path. I just realized I never thanked you. The Flame was your whole world, and yet you chose to save Madi. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. Thank you. You should, um, see this. She's drawing memories that are not her own. Sheidheda? I don't know. It could be any of the Commanders or all of them. I'll keep an eye on it. I'm glad she has you in her life. The night Wanheda knelt to Heda. I'm sorry I missed that. Seems like another world. [EXPLOSION IN THE DISTANCE] New world. Same problems. I got Madi. Go on. Thank you. Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Too much toxin in the air. I am not in the mood to see my ghost right now, are you? [INHALES] [PANTING] GABRIEL: Ray guns. Cool. If it shoots, it can be shot at. That was a bad shot, even from far away. Echo? Echo, what are you doing? Testing a theory. A theory? If you're wrong... She's not wrong. It's not trying to kill us. We're not playing by the same rules. Echo, look around you. The particulate matter moves in response to motion. They come close enough... I'll have a target. ECHO: To set the trap, we have to open up a lead. Follow me. [LOW THRUM] Listen. [LOW THRUM] Here it comes. No one move, or it won't come close enough. ROAN: Once a killer, always a killer. You just said don't move. Roan? You didn't use the antitoxin, Echo. Echo, it's not real. ROAN: Without Bellamy, who will you follow? - ECHO: Shut up. - GABRIEL: Quiet. - ECHO: Now he's in my shot. - GABRIEL: Shush! Answer the question, Ash. ROAN: Without someone to follow, who are you? A girl who killed her only friend and stole her name? ROAN: The honorless spy who would do anything for her queen, even betray the man she now claims to love? Echo? Echo, it's close. I can do this. OCTAVIA: Hope. You have to stay quiet. No matter what you hear, you stay quiet. Do you understand? Hope, it's just in your mind. OCTAVIA: I promise you, Mommy and Aunty O will come back for you. Now, shhh... No, no, don't... Stay down. GABRIEL: Echo, they're right there. Take the shot. Now. Pull the trigger now. I'm sorry. [MAN SCREAMING] ECHO: Gabriel, there could be more. We have to go. Now. GABRIEL: We need to know what we're dealing with. - ECHO: Gabriel... - GABRIEL: Hold on. [LABORED BREATHING] He's just a man. Same tattoos as yours. [GUNFIRE] - GABRIEL: Listen. - ECHO: What is it? GABRIEL: The Anomaly. It's quieter. They're shutting it down. What does that mean? GABRIEL: It means they can control it. What if it means they're taking Bellamy through and they don't want us to follow? GABRIEL, SOFTLY: Let's go. - ECHO: Bellamy! - GABRIEL: No, no, no, no, no. - GABRIEL: Slow down. Echo. - ECHO: It's closing! GABRIEL: We go through together. If we're even seconds apart, we could be separated by months. OK? INDRA: We heard an explosion. Miller, report. MILLER: They blew up a container on the lower level to pull our attention away from the palace. There's a dozen hardcore believers outside Russell's quarters right now. The adjusters are back in their bibs. Our guards at their door, they withdrew without engaging. CLARKE: That was the right call, Miller. No one else should die because of what they believe. What other reason is there to die? NELSON: I couldn't agree more. What the hell is he doing here? He's unarmed. The Children of Gabriel have demands. - CLARKE: Get in line. - NELSON: You want peace, we want Russell Prime. The people that live here should decide Russell's fate, not us. NELSON: This is our home, too. We were thrown out like garbage. My parents are still here and I don't even know who they are. The Primes did that. I'm sorry that happened to you. But we're not letting you have Russell. Either Russell Prime dies, or Kaylee and Daniel do. MILLER: Come on, Nelson. You know they're not Daniel and Kaylee. You want them to play dress-up so you can control the sheep, fine. But Russell Prime is ours. You have till tomorrow's second moon to decide. The man does deserve to die, Clarke. Maybe. But the kind of society I want my child to grow up in doesn't take an eye for an eye. Clarke, he killed your... Fine. We'll clear out the fanatics. No. No more violence. So, how do we do it? We don't. Russell does. I'll get Jordan. He's in the tavern. TREY: We invoke the names of the Primes as we pray. Josephine... Simone... Priya... Russ... Faithful, block the way. She just wants to see Russell. You were gonna search me, right? You wouldn't be dumb enough to let someone bring a gun in to see your god. JORDAN: It's OK, Trey. You can trust her. Let her pass. They didn't unchain you. I wouldn't let them. I need you to order your people to leave the palace. Tell me, Clarke... How do you go on after you lose everything? You take a breath. Then another. That's it. Now will you give the order or not? If I'd have killed Madi when I had the chance, you'd understand. Wait. I have something for you. Simone left these here, after she was resurrected. They were your mother's. I thought you'd want them back. [BOTH GRUNTING] For my mother! Get up. Is this what you want? Yes. Do it. Pull the trigger. Set me free. [SOBBING] I'm so sorry. SHEIDHEDA: Hello, Russell Prime. I prefer your new body. Where is this place? Who are you? MILLER: Clarke, open the door! [POUNDING ON DOOR] [INDISTINCT SHOUTING OUTSIDE] [CLARKE SOBBING] [POUNDING AND SHOUTING CONTINUE] Looks like you burn after all. Please. Do not leave me here. What would you want Madi to do? [INDISTINCT CHATTER] [PEOPLE COUGHING] No! Let it burn. Sanctum is free! There are no kings or queens or Primes here! We have no use for a palace. We are the last of the human race, and we've all made mistakes. Tomorrow, Russell Prime dies for his. [CROWD CHEERING]
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An Initiative briefing. Maggie: This is your objective. Narrator: Previously on Buffy the vampire slayer. Walsh: .. demon classed as the Polgara species Engelman: ...bone skewers jut from the creature's forearms during battle. It's imperative not to damage its arms. Buffy: Why exactly can't we damage this polka thing's arms? Cut to Engelman and Walsh in a lab. Engelman: She's an unnecessary risk. Cut to Walsh speaking to Buffy. Walsh: Two of our hostiles broke free Cut to Buffy faces the two demons Walsh: and escaped into the tunnels Cut to Walsh and Riley in the Initiative. Walsh: She's dead Riley. Riley: I don't understand. On the monitors behind them. Buffy: Professor Walsh if you think that's enough to kill me. you really don't know what a slayer is. Cut to Walsh musing in lab. Walsh: She wants a fight we'll give her one. Cut to Buffy talking. Buffy: It's not safe for any of us. Cut to Walsh musing in lab. Walsh: And then when she least expects it, ahhh. She is impaled by a skewer. Walsh: Adam. Adam: Mommy. cut to Giles apt. This scene is a direct continuation of the previous episode with a time gap of perhaps one to five minutes. Buffy is talking to Giles, Willow, Xander, Anya and Spike. Buffy: So Maggie sends me down into the sewers with one of those blasto guns and the next thing I know it's raining monsters. Xander: Hallelujah. Buffy: And then this gate slams down behind me and I-I try to use the gun but it goes pfft. Giles: You're saying that Maggie Walsh set you up? Buffy: That's exactly what I'm saying. She sent me on a one way recon. Spike: Got to hand it to you goldilocks - you do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I've got a cousin married to a regurgitating {{frovilops}} demon {that's} got better instincts than you. Buffy: What does my taste in men have to do with this? Spike: You think Riley was out knitting booties for your future offspring while Maggie stringing you up? Anya, Xander and Giles are silent. Buffy: You guys think Riley had something to do with this. Giles: Um, probably not but we, uh, be remiss if we didn't think all the possibilities {through}. Buffy: {Great./Right.} Remiss. No! No, Maggie made sure that he was nowhere around when she sent me on this very special make Buffy dead assignment. Willow: Plus Riley he seems like he wouldn't tell a little white lie let alone a whole bunch of big dirty ones. Xander: That's why they call it the secret forces Will, cause they kinda keep the whole lying thing to themselves. Buffy: All I know is that Maggie has it in for me which means the Initiative has it in for me. Xander: I'm guessing the mad scientist isn't too keen on the fact that the entire scooby gang knows that the Initiative is up to no good. Buffy: Which brings us back to the not safe for any of us concept. Giles: What could have happened to make Professor Walsh want to kill you? Buffy: I don't know, uh. She wasn't keen on the fact that I was asking a lot of questions that's for sure. Anya: So you were getting too close to something. Giles: Clearly. Although one can only imagine what she'd be so desperate to hide. cut to An Initiative exit. A being exits. Adam is sewn together from parts of different demons. He has a metal brace on his left leg, there are metal parts on the left side of his face and the back of his head, his right breast, his right shoulder and forearm of his right arm. The only recognizably human portion is the right upper side of his face and his hair. His left eye is red. He had green and grey-pink demon parts sewn together and there is a huge scar or seam with what could be links of a large chain reinforcing it running down the middle of his chest. He is a mix of demon, Frankenstein monster and Terminator/Borg. It smiles. roll credits Buffy: Everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move. Buffy hands Xander an ax and Anya a grappling hook (like a fisherman might use.) Xander: Storm the Initiative. Yeah let's take on those suckers. Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide. Xander: Oh thank God. Giles: I think perhaps we should talk about this. Buffy: We need to relocate someplace we're less likely to be found. We need to come up with a plan. Willow: We could go to my place. Buffy: The Initiative guys know how close we are. They'll automatically check the places that you hang out. Xander, what about your basement? The guys haven't seen us together that much and there's enough room. Willow: Ooh Plus mirrored ball. Xander: Cool! Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway. Anya (less happy): Yes, come boogie. Giles: Absolutely not! I will not squat in that dank hole. Spike: What, it was good enough for me, but you're above it all? Giles: Precisely. Besides I-I don't see why we can't stay right where we are. Pfft. It's very unlikely that those Initiative boys are going to come round here to look for uh_ Door bangs open. Riley enters. Riley: Buffy! God Buffy are you ok? What happened? Buffy: You know? Riley: I know something went down. umph. Tell me. Buffy: Maggie tried to kill me. Anya: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway. Riley: Ok listen I need you to go over everything step by step. There has to be..has to be some kind of mistake Xander: There was no mistake. And how do you know something happened? Riley: I was on a mission but I came back and... I'm not sure.. Look let's just keep her heads and not jump to any _ Riley stops and is staring. Buffy: What? Riley: That's hostile 17. Spike: No, I'm just a friend of Xaannderr's. Pfftt. Spike drops his drawl. Spike: Bugger it. I'm your guy. Buffy: This is Spike. He's um.. It's a really long story b-but he's not bad anymore. Spike jumps up. Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad it's just I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you w*nk*rs. Spike indicates Riley with a head movement. Riley: We've been looking all over the place for him - but you've known where's he's been all along. Buffy: It's not like that. Riley: Then what is it like?.. What's he doing here? Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that. Spike puts on his black leather coat Spike: By the by. If you're trying to kill her. Spike leans back with a big grin and two thumbs up. (His Fonzie imitation?) Buffy and Willow roll their eyes. Spike runs out the door into the sunlight covering his head and arms with his coat. Riley: Buffy, what is this? You're hiding an H.S.T.? Xander: Why don't you just back off and let her ask the questions, Jack? Your boss just tried to make monster food out of her. Riley looks around. Giles crosses his arms. Riley: I-I didn't see much, I wasn't there unnhhh. All I know is that Professor Walsh told me you were dead but then I saw you on the monitors. Ummph. {look} This isn't Professor Walsh. Ummph. There must be something making her act this way. Something ummph I don't know, controlling her. Giles (softly): We think Buffy may have been becoming too inquisitive. That she was getting close to something that Professor Walsh was trying to hide. Do you have any idea what that might be? Buffy: What about 314? Maybe that's it. Riley: Maybe she was trying to test you. What if it was only a drill? Buffy: Then why did she tell you I was dead? Riley it wasn't a test. Giles (softly): See I've heard rumors that the Initiative isn't all that we've been told. That, um, secretly they're working toward some darker purpose, something that might harm us all. Riley: No! That's - that's not what happens there. Buffy: Riley! Riley: I would know! Buffy: No one is sure of anything, ok? We're were just trying to sort it out. Riley: I can't be here. I'll sort it out on my own. Buffy: Riley. Riley: No. Just, umph, I'm sorry. Riley leaves. Cut to A forested area. A small boy, perhaps 7 to 9, is squatting and playing with a silver armored doll. His bike is beside him. Adam sees the boy and approaches. Adam: What am I? The boy stands. Boy: You're a monster. Adam (resigned?): I thought so. Adam (curious?): What are you? Boy: Me? I'm a boy. Adam: A boy. How do you work? Boy: I don' know. I just do. Boy points to bone skewer/spur coming of Adam's wrist. Boy: What's that for? Adam raises his wrist to look at the skewer, then looks at the boy. Adam smiles. Cut to Riley wandering the campus at night. He passes a couple on a bench. A solitary student passes him. Cut to Engelman entering darkened lab. He flicks the light switch several times but nothing happens. Engelman: Dr Walsh? Engelman closes the door slowly. Engelman: Adam? Engelman slips and falls. He sees red on his hands and realizes it is blood. He looks to see the puddle leads to a body. He trembles and scrambles back. Cut to Mirrored ball in Xander's basement. Zooming and engine sounds are heard. Reflected light from the ball strikes Giles in the eye waking him. He is sleeping in plastic furniture. Pan past a makeshift curtain to Willow, Anya and Buffy in bed watching television. Wiley Coyote drops a wrecking ball on a chain. The ball misses the Roadrunner and instead of stopping halfway up, continues in a full circle, taking out Wiley Coyote. Buffy: That would never happen. Willow: Well, no Buff, that's why they call them cartoons, not documentaries. Giles: Must we have the noise. My head is splitting. Giles is standing and turns off the tv. Willow: Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning. Giles: Yes I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball. Anya: Every time you moved it made squeaky noises. It was irritating. Giles: Really. I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring. Buffy: Ok you guys, could we not please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage. Anya (to Giles): Sorry. Giles (to Anya): {Sorry/Sallright.} Buffy: Thank you. Willow: It'll be ok Buffy, Riley's just confused, that's all. Buffy: I don't know. It just seems like things could get heavier. His whole world's falling apart. Anya: And after everything you've been through with Angel. You really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander! Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. {{Joe Guy.}} We were going to do dumb things like hold hands through the daises going tra-la-la. Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average. Anya: So dump him. But you can't have Xander! Buffy: I'll try and remember that. It's too late anyway - I'm already at the I hurt when he hurts, I smile when he smiles stage. Anya: I hate that part. Buffy: I'll just have to make it work. Xander comes down the stairs carrying a breakfast tray with orange juice and some food. Xander: Turn on the tv. Now! Willow does so and lays down again. TV Announcer: Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer and his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect and the killer is still at large. Buffy: The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one that Maggie insisted we bring back alive. Giles: She must have sent it after you. Buffy: And it got distracted... God. Willow: Buffy, its not your fault. Anya shakes head. Willow: How could you know? Giles: She's right. You mustn't blame yourself. Xander shakes head. Buffy: I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. Buffy stands. Buffy: You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it I'm going to make him pay for taking that kid's life, I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. Anya's eyes lower. Buffy: That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas. Cut to Frat house. Riley starts walking up the stairs. Forest sees him and catches up. Forrest: Hey. Where've you been all night? Well, congratulations. I see you and Buffy have finally gotten past the shy phase. Riley: I wasn't with Buffy. I had to be alone, think some things through. Forrest: What things? Riley enters his room and closes the door behind Forest. Forrest: This is mighty ominous. Forrest: What's up man? Riley: Professor Walsh tried to have Buffy killed. Forrest: What? Did Buffy tell you that, I mean do you have any proof? Riley: I saw enough to know it's true. Forrest: I don't get it. Why? Riley: I dunno. Buffy thinks that she's getting too close to something - that Professor Walsh has some secret. Forrest: I wouldn't put it past Buffy to get on Professor Walsh's bad side. She tends to put her nose where it doesn't belong. Riley: What? Forrest: She's a pain. Always wanting to know why this and why that? Riley: And you're saying she should die because of that? Forrest: I don't know. Maybe Professor Walsh found out that Buffy was up to something bad. That ever cross your mind? Riley: Why does it bug you so much that I'm hanging with her? Is it because she's a better soldier than you? Forrest: It bugs me that she's using you to infiltrate our operation. Riley: So you saying that she's a spy? Hmpph You're crazy. Forrest: Riley think about it. The professor's not stupid, she tried to kill Buffy, maybe Buffy needed killing. Graham enters. Graham: Guys. Riley: Not now {Brian/Graham/Brad}. Graham doesn't leave. Forrest: What is it? Graham: Professor Walsh is dead. Cut to Initiative lab. Riley goes to see Walsh's body. Two scientists kneel over it. Military garbed types are standing guard. Forrest arrives moments later. Forrest: Look at that wound. She's been staked, wouldn't you say brother? Riley: What? Forrest: Only one person I can think of that who could do something like that. Riley: You better not be saying what I think you're saying. When we don't know a person did this - the Polgara demon has skewers. Riley walks off. Forrest walks after him. Forrest: {No way } man that's your girlfriend's m.o. Riley grabs Forest's shirt. Riley: That's a serious accusation. You better be ready to deal with the consequences. Forrest shoves Riley back. Forrest: Bring em on. That supernatural freak has blinded you and I'm sick of it. Riley: That's enough. Engelman: Stand back {man/Finn}. Show some respect. Listen, everybody's upset but arguing isn't going to help anything and it's certainly not what Professor Walsh would want. Riley: No sir. Engelman: Alright, good. Now Washington is sending in a team to do an internal investigation. I've been told we have to wait for their word. Riley: What do you mean wait? This has to be the work of the Polgara demon we captured last week. Engelman: Probably. It looks like last night the Polgara escaped through tunnel 72. Riley: It's out loose somewhere? Engelman: I'm afraid so. Riley: Then we have to go after it. Engelman: My orders from Washington are for a total lock down until they arrive. I'm sorry. Now, return to your quarters. There's nothing you can do here. cut to Riley and some commandos alone. Riley: Listen. Engelman can talk all he wants, but I'm still in charge 'til the brass gets here and tells me otherwise and I say we've got a demon to hunt. Now suit up for armed patrol And by that I mean loaded guns, men. Target practice is over. We're {going} for blood. Cut to daylight. The Initiative is entering mausoleums or burial crypts. various voices: Move. Let's go inside. Establish a perimeter. {unintelligible} back. Forrest and Graham enter a crypt. Forrest: Somebody's been staying here. Graham: What do you think, a homeless guy? Forrest: Could be - or a squatter of the demon variety. Graham: Not the Polgara. Forrest: Who cares? I see a demon - it dies. Graham puts his hand on the tv. Graham: It's warm. Both remove cover of a fixed stone coffin only to find bones and a black shroud/dress. Forrest: Damn. Forrest smashes the tv with the butt of his gun as he leaves. Forrest: Animals! Spike peeks out from beneath the bones and the black dress or shroud. He exhales. cut to The crime scene. Buffy looks from a distance. Yellow tape surround a policeman, someone in plain clothes and two ambulance personnel. Behind Buffy Riley approaches past a policeman dressed in commando garb. Riley: Buffy. Hey. Buffy: Hey. Buffy: Look I'm sorry about earlier. I know that {{au burn?}} came on pretty strong. And the Spike thing isn't as tweaked as it looks. Ok maybe it is but there's an explanation that almost makes sense. Hello. I'm apologizing here. And I-I think that's pretty big of me considering I'm the one who was almost made a demon sandwich. This is the part where you throw me a bone. Riley: Maggie's dead. silence Riley: Happy now? Buffy: How can you ask me that? Of course I'm not happy. What happened? Riley: That's classified. Buffy: Classifie_ The Polgara. It got her and escaped. Didn't it? Buffy: I'm gonna find it. I'm gonna find it and destroy it. And then you can stop asking me how happy all this death makes me. She walks away Cut to knocks Tara opens her door. Willow: Howdy. Tara: I just got your message a minute ago. I was in class. But I was about to call you. Willow: I had so much fun the other night, those spells. Tara: Yeah, that was nice. Willow: I hope you don't think that I just come over for the spells and everything. I mean ,I really like just talking and hanging out with you and stuff. Tara: I know that. But you wanna do a spell. Willow: Yeah. Tara giggles. Willow: But only because it's really important. There's this.. Tara: No you don't have to explain I don't mind really. I've been uh thinking about that last spell we did... all day. Willow: You have? Tara: Mmmhmmm. Willow: Well this one should be really fun too. We conjure the goddess Thespia to help us locate demonic energy in the area. Tara: The goddess Thespia. Are you sure we're ready for that? Willow: You and me! This is beneath us. Tara: Ok. exhales Tara: If you say so. cut to bar Buffy enters. Willy cringes and moves down to the end of the bar after tilting his head to tell Buffy to move down there. Demons are drinking, hanging out. Willy: You're killing me here. Buffy: Oh missed you too. Joint's jumping. Willy: Yeah ya know. I'm making some changes with my life. Getting away from my old image. Buffy: You mean as a double dealing snitch. Willy: Uh Hunh. I know you're going think I'm blowing smoke, but after those Apocalypse demons nearly did me in I had an experience of the spiritual variety. Buffy: That's swell really. But I need to know if you've heard anything about a Polgara demon doing some killings in the last few days. Willy: You see that's the thing. I don't talk behind people's backs no more. And I'm bringing some class to the joint, ya know. It's Willy's Place now, see. Brings in a better clientele. I got one of those deep fryers. These demons just go crazy for chicken fingers. Look - if they see me dealing with you then I'm just the same old Willy working both sides of the street. Buffy: I'm going to have to punch you aren't I? Willow: Just once and it don't have to hurt, just make it look good. Buffy cocks her arm. Willy: Ohhh. Oww. Buffy: Not yet. I haven't touched you Willy: Sorry right, right, g-go ahead. Wait. Willy (loudly): No! I can't talk to you! Buffy punches him. She doesn't seem to have held back. Willy grabs his nose. Willy: Ohhh! Owwww! Buffy: What have you heard about the Polgara? Willy: Heard there was one around a week or two back. Word was you got him. You and those army guys. Buffy: And that was the last you heard? Willy: Yeah as far as I know he's off the streets. Buffy: What about those army guys? What do you know? You heard anything about 314? Beads rattle as Riley enters. Buffy: What are you doing here? Following me? Riley: You told me you were tracking the Polgara demon, I thought I'd help. But now I see you're not hunting demons you're socializing with them. Again! I thought you were supposed to be killing these things not buying them drinks. Buffy: Oh that's smooth, officer Riley. They teach you those undercover moves in special forces? Riley: No I'm serious Buffy. What are you doing here? Willy: Just cooling her dogs like the rest of us. Why don't you sit down, relax? Riley: I want you to tell me. Who are you? Willy: No kidding. How about I get you some chicken fingers on the house? Riley: Hey think you could shut up! Willy: Look I'm just saying. Riley: I said shut up! Or maybe you'd like to go back to the lab with me. I'm sure the coats would love to classify a - whatever you are. Buffy: Leave him alone Riley, he's human. Riley: So he's human. Riley is trembling. Buffy: You're shaking. Riley: He just harbors demons. Which makes him a good guy like you? Riley grabs Buffy's arms. Riley: The truth, Buffy, now! Buffy: You have the truth. You are just screwed up because of what happened to Professor Walsh to see it. Now let go of me. Buffy breaks his grip. An old woman starts to leave. Riley: Hold it you! Riley turns with drawn pistol pointed at the woman. Riley: No leaving til I say so! His hand is trembling. Willy: Hey! We got new rules here, no killing. Riley: Right. Except rules don't seem to apply much these days do they? Like if I shot you right now I don't know if I'd have a corpse on my hands or one pissed off vampire. Buffy: Riley. Riley: I mean who do you believe? First it sounds like lies, then it sounds like truth. Buffy (softly): Riley. Silence. The old woman starts crying. Perhaps she says please in between sobs. Riley's hand continues to shake. Riley puts gun down on bar, smashing glasses. Riley trembles and Buffy steps closer. Riley: Oh what's happening to me? =3D=3D=3D cut to Xander's basement Riley sits on a bed holding his head in his hands. The makeshift curtain is closed to allow some privacy. Buffy sits next to him and puts a shawl on his back. He sets it down. Buffy: Riley why don't you lie down? You'll be more comfortable. Riley is shaking. And he is scratching his hand bloody. Buffy: Stop it. Buffy grabs his hand. Riley: I can't. It's like something's growing inside of me. Buffy: No. You're hurting yourself. Ok shhh. Buffy takes off her bandana and wraps it around his hand. Riley: I thought I knew, but I don't. I don't know anything. Buffy (softly): Sshhh. You're sick. Once you get some rest... Riley trembles and shakes during this. Riley: No. Buffy. I don't know... anything. I don't know what's going on. Who the bad guys are. Maybe I'm the bad guy. Maybe I'm the thing you should kill. Buffy: No! Don't you even think that. Buffy strokes Riley's cheek. Buffy (softly): Ok listen to me. You're sick. You just need to get some sleep. Please. Lie down for me. Come on. Riley curls up in a fetal position. Shaking. Buffy strokes his forehead. Buffy: {It'll} be ok. Riley seems to calm and shake less. His breathing calms. Perhaps he is asleep. Buffy exits through the makeshift curtains. [SCENE_BREAK] On the other side. Giles: How is he? Buffy: It isn't just grief making him act this way. Something's affecting him physically and its getting worse. Anya: {Do} you think Professor Walsh did something to him? Buffy: I don't know, but I'm ready to find out. Xander: That's gonna be tough, what with Maggie's deadness and all. Buffy: She must have kept records somewhere. A-about Riley, about 314, about all of it. And I'm sure she wasn't the only person that knew what she was up to. Xander: So what's the plan? Buffy: Giles, Anya keep researching. Xander, you and I are going undercover. Anya: Hey! Remember before. No Xander! Not in a boyfriend way or a lead him to a certain death way. Buffy: He's the only one with military experience. Anya: It's not like he was in the 'Nam. He was GI Joe for one night. Xander: It's ok Anya. I've backed up Buffy before. Anya: Can't you do something else to help them? Like... Xerox handouts or something? Xander holds Anya's arms. Xander: I'll be careful. Promise. Xander goes off. Giles: It's a minor point but how do you plan to get in to the Initiative? I sure their, uh, security system's almost impenetrable. Buffy: I have my clearance. I'm hoping she didn't have time to revoke it. Giles: {Ok}. As to the whereabouts of this Polgara demon... I'm afraid we've-we've not turned up much. There's been no reports since its original capture. Buffy: Then we'll just have to keep looking. cut to A square of twine with the points held down by four different colored crystals. Pull back to reveal Willow and Tara sitting. Tara: So the square is Sunnydale. Willow: Right it's like a map. We both take different parts of the potion and when we do the incantation we both blow it onto the square at the exact same time. Tara: But hown does it work? Willow: Well that's the cool part. When the potion mixes and Thespia is called it creates this mist over the parts where the demons are. I-It even makes different colors for different breeds. Tara: Wow. Tara nodds. Willow: You ready? Tara nodds. Willow pours some green powder into Tara's hand from a grey stone bowl or mortar, then some white powder into her own hand from a green mortar. Willow: Let's do it. Willow closes her eyes. Tara closes her eyes. Tara: Thespia, we walk in shadow, walk in blindness. You are the protector of the night. Willow: Thespia, goddess, ruler of all darkness, we implore you, open a window to the world of the underbeing. Both blow but Tara surreptitiously lowers her hand and dumps her powder under the bed/table cloth? while Willow is actually blowing her powder. Willow: With your knowledge may we go in safety. With your grace may we speak of your benevolence. Willow opens her eyes to see no effect. Willow: Or not. Willow looks confused. Tara looks down and looks back a Willow. Cut to Frat house. Buffy is wearing glasses with her hair up in a bun and carrying a white cloth bag. Xander is dressed in green military style gear. But he has a white t-shirt showing. Xander: Seems pretty quite. Buffy: It usually is this time of _ A man goes past them. They continue on. Buffy touches a panel and then stands in front of the full length mirror. Xander: Buff, maybe You should check the look later. Buffy: Shhh. Buffy pushes Xander so he is not in front of the mirror. Xander: Oww! What'd you do that for? Buffy: Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan. Xander: The. Ewww. I don't wanna see that. Buffy: Retinal. Scan. Xander. Buffy: Well we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good. Xander: Or if we're about to die at the hands of fifty grief filled military goons. Voice: Retinal scan recorded. Summers, Buffy. Elevator opens and Buffy steps in. Xander: Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-sized microwave? Xander steps in. The doors close behind them. View of the elevator from below as it descends. They exit as the doors open. Cut to The Iniative. Xander: Holy moley. Buffy: I know. Speaker voice: {____} Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have s*x with Riley too? Buffy looks at Xander. Speaker voice: Dr Forman {to the examining area} Xander: Quick pretend to make out with me. Buffy: Wait, what are you talking about? Xander: Well I uh, you know. In the movies the guy and the girl have to hide. Speaker voice: {Doctor _} Buffy: Please, could you possibly draw more attention to us. The two guys Xander saw coming up the stairs pass them as Buffy looks at her clipboard. Speaker voice: Agent Owens to interrogation. Buffy: This is the Initiative Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other. Xander: Well maybe that's wrong with the world. Ever think about that? Cut to Xander's basement. Willow: It totally failed. It wasn't even like the spell went wrong. It just wouldn't. Giles: If it's any consolation, we haven't fared much better here. Willow: Really. Is Riley ok? Giles: Well he's asleep finally. {But} he doesn't look good. And the, uh, research is troubling as well. I mean, this-this demon we're after seems highly atypical for a Polgara. This child that it killed is mutilated. There's no recorded cases of a Polgara ever having done such a thing. Anya: Also the Polgara have to eat every two hours. Factor in the low I.Q. and you have a demon who's not exactly low profile. Willow: So how had he been hiding in Sunnydale for the last two days without anyone seeing him? Giles: Exactly. Willow pulls back the curtain surrounding the bed. Riley is standing there, no longer lying down. Willow: Riley! Riley: Where's Buffy? Willow: She went out. Can-can I get you something? Riley: Just tell me where she is. Giles: You're not well Riley you need to rest. Riley puts on his boots. Riley: Did she find the Polgara? Hunh? Is that it? Giles: Well, no, we're still looking. Riley: Well what? Willow: She went to find out what's making you sick. Riley: I'm not sick. Are you're telling me she went to the Initiative. Riley goes to grab his stuff. Willow: Riley she's just trying to help you. Willow moves between Riley and the stairs. Riley: She doesn't belong there. Willow: Riley listen/ Riley: Stand away from the stairs. Willow: No, you're gonna get Buffy killed. Riley tosses Willow behind him and she falls. Giles: Hey. Riley goes up the stairs. Giles and Anya go to a fallen Willow. They help her up. Giles: You alright? cut to Initiative. Buffy eavedrops on a conversation while Xander stands by her. Engelman: how many of the men are still out the longer they go without their meds Scientist: Everyone's off their schedules because of the professors' death. Engleman: It's dangerous I don't want to think about the damage out guys could do under the stress of withdrawal especially since they won't understand what's happening to them. These guys don't know they've been getting meds in their food so we better get them in here stat Scientist: we've located all but a few. the last ones were in pretty bad shape but we stabilized them Engleman: but Finn wasn't one of them, right. Scientist: no Engleman: Find him. He's the one I care about. He's too important to our work to lose now. Scientist: indeed. cut to bar music: I had said it time and time again spike: double shot of {{verneg}}, keep. Make it the good stuff don't want no freaking orangutan willy: got ya Spike: been a real pisser of a day isn't it? Those army blokes are on a tear. They ran me out of my place. And all over town. A demon places a hand on his shoulder Spike: Yeah what's that. Spike gets punched in the face Engleman: Keep me posted. I'll be in records Engleman enters a room with his card and Buffy manages to follow him before the door shuts. Buffy grabs Engelman's shirt. Buffy: Now I don't generally like to kill humans. But I've learned that it pays to be flexible in life. Engleman: I was wondering when you'd turn up. Buffy: Oh darn! She takes off the glasses. Buffy: So this isn't a surprise. She sets the glasses down. Buffy: Now you can tell me what you did to Riley and after that we can take a tour of room 314. Engleman: Somebody's coming, you know. I'm sure they've already seen you on the security monitors. Riley enters. Riley: Monitors are non-functional at this time, sir. Went down about ten minutes ago. Buffy: What! I didn't do that. Xander: Thank god for small favors and we'll worry about the details later, hunh, Buff? Engleman: Finn take this girl to the stockade immediately. Buffy: Riley, he can tell us what we need to know. Maggie wanted me dead, didn't she? Engleman: She did. He looks at Riley Engleman: But understand the Initiative has no interest in eliminating the slayer. He looks back at Buffy. Engleman: It was her own vendetta. Buffy: Why? Spell it out for me! I feel an attack of dumb blonde coming on. Engleman: I don't know. {Buffy grabs a little tighter.} Buffy: Well think harder! Engleman: It was the project. Buffy: Project? 314. Engleman: It... He looks at Riley and back. Engleman: It escaped. Riley steps closer. Riley: That's enough! You're making her sound like some psychopath. She wasn't like that! she was a brillant woman! Engleman is looking at Riley. Engleman moves his hand downward in a take it easy gesture. Engleman: She was. It's not.. Riley: All she was doing was trying to help people and this is the way you want them to remember her! Buffy: Engleman said Walsh was feeding you drugs. Riley moves within arm's reach. Buffy lets Engelman go. Riley (pointing to Buffy): You're doing this to me, aren't you? Engleman slips back. Riley: This all started because of you. Buffy: If you will just listen to me, I am trying to help you get to the truth. Riley: You want truth then tell me, what did you do to her Buffy? Riley grabs Buffy and she breaks the grip. Buffy: Stop it! I didn't do anything. Again Riley grabs Buffy and she breaks the grip. Buffy: Riley stop! This isn't about us, everything that we need to know is here, we just need to find out what was in 314. An commando's body drops from a raised platform. On the platform is Adam. Adam: Me. =3D=3D=3D=3D Adam paces on the platform. Adam: I've been thinking about the world. I wanted to see it, learn it. Adam: I saw the inside of that boy... and it was beautiful, but it didn't tell me about the world. It just made me feel. So now I want to learn about me. Why I feel? What I am? Adam simply steps off the platform and drops about 3 yards/meters. Adam: So I came home. Adam inserts a thick disk from a pouch on his right waist into his chest. The letters Ad__ were on it. Adam: I'm a kinematically redundant, biomechanical demonoid designed by Maggie Walsh. She called me Adam and I called her mother. Engleman: Adam. Maggie would want you to stand down. Adam: Yes. But I seem to have a design flaw. Engleman pales. Adam: In addition to organic material I'm equipped with GP-2, D-11 Infrared Detectors, A Harmonic Decelerator, plus D.C. Servo. Buffy: She pieced you together from parts of other demons. Adam: And man. And machine. Which tells me what I am, but not who I am. Mother wrote things down. Hard data, but also her feelings. That's how I learned that I have a job here. And that she loved me. Riley: She wasn't your mother and she didn't love you! Xander: Is that really the issue? Riley: She made you because she was a scientist! Xander: Riley! Adam pulls another disk from a pouch on his waist and inserts it in his chest. It has the letters FI__ on it. Adam: Riley Finn. Riley: Stop! Those files... Adam: Oh! Mother created you too. Riley: Maggie's not my mother! I have a mother! A real _ Adam: A birth mother. Yes. But after you met Maggie, she was the one who shaped your basic operating system. She taught you how to think, how to feel. She fed you chemicals to make you stronger - your mind and body. She said that you and I were her favorite children. Her art. That makes us brothers. Family. Riley steps forward. Riley: No! I'm not like you. Adam: That's pain isn't it? Why? Because your feeding schedule - the chemicals have been interupted? Or do you miss her? Tell me. Riley: I'll kill you! Adam: You won't. You haven't been programmed to. Riley: I cannot be programmed! I'm a man! Adam: It's here. {He holds a diskette up.} Adam: The plan she had for us. What happens. How it ends. Riley: No. Adam Do you want to hear? Riley: No! Riley pulls his pistol and Adam disarms Riley. Buffy steps in and a punch downs her. Riley punches Adam's face and Adam responds with an uppercut sending Riley flying up in the air over a table. Xander runs in to push Adam and is pushed and thrown back into a wall. Buffy throws a kick to Adam's chest. Adam punches Buffy's face. Buffy punches Adam's stomach and Adam chops at her shoulder and she falls. Engelman starts to run. Adam's skewer comes out. Engelman passes Adam. Adam: Doctor. Adam skewers Engelman in the middle of his chest and Engelman falls, dead. Riley grabs Adam around the throat from behind. Adam breaks the hold, turns and stabs Riley with his skewer on his left side, and Riley falls clutching his wound. Buffy kicks Adam in the back. Adam spins and Buffy dodges the skewer. Adam knock Buffy to the floor. Adam picks up Buffy who is holding the skewer and throws her about 3 yards or meters into a steel door. She doesn't rise. The commandos are pounding on the door. Adam looks around. Adam: Thank you. This has been... very interesting. Adam walks up some stairs towards the platform he started from. Unseen military guy: Back away from the door Adam reaches up towards a vent. Shots pierce the door. Buffy moves to Riley's side. The commandos break open the door. Buffy: Riley. Are you ok? Unseen military guy: Secure the {room.} Xander: {We} got a demon in here. It escaped through that vent. Buffy: It's not the Polgara - it looks sort of half man. Forrest: Right and you just happened to be in the neighborhood. Riley: She's telling the truth. I saw it. It killed Engelman. Go.. now. Buffy: He needs to go to a hospital. Forrest: We'll take it from here. Buffy: I'm going with him. Forrest: It's a military hospital. Buffy: No. Forrest {growls}: Back off. Forrest: We take care of our own around here, understand! Two commandos lower rifle weapons and aim them at Buffy. Two more are beside them. Xander: Buffy. They stop aiming their weapons. Forest and Graham each take one of Riley's arms and help him up. Forrest: "Escort them out." Riley turns his head slightly to look back. Riley (weakly): Buffy. Cut to alley. Smacking sounds. Spike rolls and falls on his back, his face is bloody, but not from feeding. A demon walks and looks down at a prone Spike. Demon: What did you expect spike - a welcome party? Two other demons look on from the door. Demon: Word's out - you've been making war on the demon world. Spike: War? Demon: With the slayer. You kill other demons and the rest of us don't hold with that. The two demons in a doorway who were watching turn around to go back inside. Demon: Still, if I see you around again, I'll be inclined break that code. Do you understand? The demon leaves. Spike has still not moved since falling. Cut to Campus, daylight. Buffy and Willow are walking. Willow: No word from Riley? Buffy: Nothing. The Initiative probably has him locked in some medical ward. {There's} no way I can get near him until I come up with a better plan than just storming in and getting us all shot. Willow: Yeah, you might want to work the kinks out of that one. Buffy: What am I going to do? He needs me and I can't get near him. Willow: You'll find a way. Buffy: It's not like I can spend all of my energy going after the Initiative. Not while Adam's out there. Willow: He's really that big of a threat? They sit on a bench. Buffy: I could barely fight him. It's like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast. He gave the commando guys the slip with no problem. Willow: There's gotta be a flaw. Buffy: I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight Buffy: I never should have let them take Riley. I need to be with him. Willow: I'm sure he's ok. Buffy: There's no way he can be. Everything's he's ever believed in has been taken away. He's alone. He has nothing to hold on to. Cut to Initiative hallway with three scientist and military types. Cut to Room and a bed with Riley on it. He has bandages wrapped around his midsection. Riley raises his hand, which was in shadow and looks at Buffy's bandanna which he has wrapped around it and is clasping. [SCENE_BREAK] BTVS for whatever reason, to enjoy, as well as those who think transcripts are just cool, and as reference material for fanfic writers. Buffy and all copyrighted characters are the product of Joss Whedon and I have nothing but respect for him and those whose hard work is put into bringing us a great show. I did this of my own free time and will never make a dime from it. Now let me add. If you are looking at this transcript, save it, copy it, send it to your friends. Unlike other transcribers, who I have nothing but respect for, if you see any mistakes that might be in this transcript, feel free to correct them, or if you just want to personalize it to suit yourself, by all means. Hell I do it. ~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~~ Fade-in. Giles' apartment. Just the way we left things from "The `I' in Team." Buffy is pacing, Giles is standing close by, Willow is sitting at his desk, Spike is sitting on the bottom steps of the stairs, and Anya and Xander are sitting on Giles' weapons trunk against the wall. Buffy is in the middle of telling them what just happened. Buffy: So Maggie sends me down into the sewers with one of those Blasto-guns. And the next thing I know, it's raining monsters. Xander: (without humor) Hallelujah. Buffy: And then this gate slams down behind me and I try to use the gun but it goes "phitt!" Giles: You're saying that Maggie Walsh set you up? Buffy: That's exactly what I'm saying. She sent me on a way-one recon. Spike: Gotta hand it to you, Goldilocks. You do have bleeding, tragic taste in men. I got a cousin married to a regurgitating Frovalox demon that's got better instincts than you. Buffy: (glaring at him) What does my taste in men have to do with this? Spike: Do you think Riley was out knitting booties for your future off-spring while Maggie was stringing you up? Buffy looks at everyone else's expressions. They don't say anything, but she can see from their faces . . . Buffy: You guys think Riley had something to do with this? Giles: Probably not. But, uh . . . we'd be remiss if we didn't think of all the possibilities. Buffy: (softly) Right. "Remiss." She's turning away, then suddenly faces him again. Buffy: No. No. Maggie made sure he was no where around when she sent me on this very special "make Buffy dead" assignment. Willow: And plus, Riley? He seems like he wouldn't tell a little white lie, let alone a whole bunch of big, dirty ones. Xander: That's why they call it the "secret forces," Will. 'Cause they kinda keep the whole lying thing to themselves. Buffy: All I know is that Maggie has it in for me. Which means the Initiative has it in for me. Xander: I'm guessing the mad scientist isn't too keen on the fact that the entire Scooby Gang knows that the Initiative is up to no good. Buffy: Which brings us back to the "not safe for any of us" concept. Giles: What could have happened to make Professor Walsh want to kill you? Buffy: (at a loss) I don't know. Uh . . . She wasn't keen on the fact that I was asking a lot of questions, that's for sure. Anya: So you were getting too close to something? Giles: Clearly. Although, one can only imagine what she'd be so desperate to hide. Cut to deep in the woods. All is quiet with the peaceful sounds of birds and other forest noises. Pan to a concrete access tunnel just visible from the side of the hill. It doesn't look as if it's been used for sometime as the metal doors screech as they are opened from the inside. Close up on a pair of army boots walking down the steps from the entrance. As the shot pans up we see legs clad in camouflage commando pants and the left leg is in a metal brace (jointed at the knee) from ankle to mid-thigh. He's not wearing a shirt, and his flesh is a jigsaw of different skin types and there is an electronic metal plate over the left side of his chest. His face is mostly green except for the patch of pale human flesh around his right blue eye and ear. His left eye is a demonic red color. His short hair is a normal brown, but there is a metal plating that frames the left green side of his face and wraps around to the back of his head. Outside for the first time, Adam looks at his surroundings. Wolf's wolf. Buffy theme and credits roll. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part One ~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in to Giles' apartment. Buffy has Giles' trunk opened and is taking out weapons. Buffy: Okay, everybody grab a weapon. We gotta move. She hands Xander a battle ax and gives Anya a bat with a fisherman's hook attached to the head. Xander: And storm the Initiative? (bravado) Yeah, let's take on those suckers! Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide. Xander: (relieved) Oh, thank God. Giles: Buffy, I think perhaps we should talk about this. Buffy: We need to relocate some place where we're less likely to be found. We need to come up with a plan. Willow: We could go to my place. (she is holding a wicked looking flail = think spiked mace on a chain) Buffy: The Initiative guys know how close we are. They'll automatically check the places you hang out. Xander, what about your basement. The guys haven't seen us together that much and there's enough room. Willow: (smiles) Oh, plus: mirror ball. Xander: Cool! Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway. Anya: (not happy) Yes. Come boogie. Giles: Absolutely not. I will not squat in that dank whole. Spike: What? It was good enough for me but you're above it all? Giles: Precisely. (sits down at his desk) Besides, I don't see why we can't stay right where we are. (chuckles) Because it's very unlikely those Initiative boys are gonna come around here looking for-- The front door opens and Riley steps inside. Riley: Buffy! Everybody looks at him in surprise. Riley closes the door and rushes over to Buffy. Riley: God, Buffy. Are you okay? What happened? Buffy: (a beat) You know? Riley: I know something went down. (pause) Tell me. Buffy: Maggie tried to kill me. No one says anything for a moment. Anya: (helpfully) It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway. Riley: Okay, listen. I need you to go over everything. Step by step. There has-- has to be some kind of mistake. Xander: There was no mistake! And how do you know something happened? Riley: I was on a mission. But I came back and . . . I'm not sure. Look, let's just keep our heads and not jump to any-- He looks over his shoulder and sees Spike sitting on the stairs. Spike looks away. Riley takes a step back in surprise as he faces the vampire. Buffy: What? Riley: That's Hostile 17. Spike: Uh, no! I'm (bad American accent) just a friend of Xanderrr's-- (sighs) Bugger it. I'm your guy. Buffy: This is Spike. He's, uh . . . It's a really long story. But he's not bad anymore. Spike: Hey! (stands) What I am, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad! It's just . . . I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you w*nk*rs. Riley: (exasperated) We've been looking all over the place for him but you've known where he's been all along? Buffy: It's not like that. Riley: Then what is it like? What's he doing here? Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics. Thanks. He walks over to the door and grabs his leather duster. Spike: (putting it on) I've got my stories on the telly for that. By the by, if you're trying to kill her . . . Spike gives Riley two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Buffy rolls her eyes. He turns and pulls his coat over his head. He opens the door and runs outside. Riley: Buffy . . . what is this? You're hiding an HST? Xander: Why don't you just back off and let her ask the questions, Jack? Your boss just tried to make monster food out of her. Riley sees everyone looking at him and calms down. Riley: I-I didn't see much. I wasn't there. I . . . All I know is Professor Walsh told me you were dead. But then I saw you on the monitors . . . Look this isn't Professor Walsh-- There must be something making her act this way. Something I-- I don't know. Controlling her. Giles: We think Buffy may have been becoming too in inquisitive. That she was getting close to something that Professor Walsh was trying to hide. Any idea what that might be? Buffy: What about 314? Maybe that's it? Riley: Maybe she was trying to test you. What if it was only a drill? Buffy: Then why did she tell you I was dead? Riley, it wasn't a test. Giles: See, I've heard rumors that the Initiative wasn't all that we've been told. That, uh, secretly they're working towards some darker purpose. Something that might harm us all-- Riley: No! That's . . . that's not what happens there. Buffy: Riley. Riley: I would know! Buffy: Look, no one is sure of anything. Okay? We're just trying to sort it out. Riley: I can't be here. I'll sort it out on my own. (heads for the door) Buffy: (going after him) Riley. Riley: No! Just-- I'm sorry. He opens the door and is gone. Cut to the woods again. Close up of a small boy sitting next to his bike. He is playing with a cyborg, soldier action figure. On the rise behind him, the back of a house can be seen not far away but it appears as if he's the only one outside right now. Until Adam sees the him. Despite his size, the boy doesn't notice Adam until he is standing just a few feet away. The boy looks up and smiles with a "cool!" expression on his face. ADAM: What am I? Boy: (standing) You're a monster. ADAM: (nodding) I thought so. What are you? Boy: Me? I'm a boy. ADAM: (curious) A boy. How do you work? Boy: I don't know, I just do. The boy sees something and points. Boy: What's that for? Adam looks down and raises his Polgara left arm where just the sharp tip of the bone skewer (sheathed inside the forearm) is visible under his wrist. Adam looks at the boy and a "let me show you" smile slowly spreads across his grotesque face. Cut to UC Sunnydale at night. Riley is walking across campus without a clear destination. Probably the first real brooding he's done in his entire life. On that depressing note we-- Cut to the Initiative. Lab 314. Dr. Angleman opens the door to the dark lab and flips the light switch. The lights stay off and he flips it on and off a couple times, but they remain off. Angleman: Dr. Walsh? (worried whisper) Adam? Slowly, he starts walking across the lab but his feet slip out from under him and he falls to the floor. He's pushing himself up when he notices something wet on his hands. He sees they're covered with blood, then notices the trail of blood leading to the body of Professor Walsh lying face down on the floor. Angleman freaks, scrambles to his feet, and runs out of the lab. We go to Xander's basement. It is morning. Close up of the disco mirror ball hanging from the ceiling. Cut to Giles lying on an inflated beach chair. He's waking up and squints his eyes against the dots of light the mirror ball is shining in his face. He rubs a hand on his forehead. Obviously a good night's sleep he didn't get. Sounds of the Road Runner can be heard as the camera pans the basement. There is an empty sleeping bag on the floor next to Giles. Two blankets hanging from the clothesline divides the basement in half. On the other half we see Willow, Anya, and Buffy (in that order) still under the covers in the fold-out bed watching TV, where the self-proclaimed "super genius" (AKA Wile E. Coyote) is killing himself again with another one of his shoddy Acme traps that backfires on him. Willow finds this funny. Buffy: (unmoved) That would never happen. Willow: Well, no, Buff. That's why they call them cartoons not documentaries. Giles steps through the draped blankets and shuts off the TV. Giles: Must we have the noise? My head is splitting. He's returning to the other side of the basement. Willow: (smiling) Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning. Giles: Yes. I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball. Anya: Every time you moved it made squeaky noises. It was irritating. Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring. Buffy: Okay, you guys, could we not, please. Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage. Anya: (a beat) Sorry. Giles: Sorry. Buffy: Thank you. Giles disappears through the blankets. Willow: It'll be okay, Buffy. Riley's just confused, that's all. Buffy: I don't know. It just seems like things can get heavier. His whole world's falling apart. Anya: And after everything you've been through with Angel. You know, you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. (smiles) Like Xander. (then) You can't have Xander. Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies going "tra la la." Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average. Anya: So dump him! (sternly) But you can't have Xander. Buffy: I'll try and remember that. (pause) It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts. I smile when he smiles" stage. Anya: (whispers) I hate that part. Buffy: I'll just have to make it work. Xander hurries down the stairs into the basement, carrying a breakfast tray. Xander: Turn on the TV. Now! Willow gets up to switch the TV back on. The news is on. Newswoman: Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. (Giles peeks out from the blankets brushing his teeth) A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer. And his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect and the killer is still at large. Realization fills Buffy's expression as she listens. Buffy: The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one Maggie insisted we bring back alive. Giles: (mouthful of toothpaste) She must have sent it after you. Buffy: And it got distracted. (looks away) God. Willow: Buffy, it's not your fault. How could you know? Giles: She's right. You mustn't blame yourself. Buffy: (a beat) I'm not going to. As she gets out of bed, cue "bad-ass" Chris Beck score. She faces them with a determined expression. Buffy: I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I am going to make him pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. Bad-ass score dies and everyone just looks at her, seemingly, unmoved by her passionate speech. Buffy notices their looks and glances down at the weird pattern on her pajamas. Buffy: That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas. Cut to Lowell House. Riley has just walked in and is heading for his room. Forrest Gates spots him and catches up with him on the stairs. Forrest: Hey! Where you been all night? Riley doesn't answer. Forrest: (smiles) Well. Congratulations. I see you and Buffy have finally gotten past the shy phase. Forrest raises a fist for Riley to knuckle but Riley leaves him hanging. He's still in brooding mode. Riley: I wasn't with Buffy. I needed to be alone. Think some things through. Forrest: What things? In the hall now, Riley turns to face him. Then reconsiders and motions him to follow him into his room. Forrest: (stepping inside) This is mighty ominous. What's up, man? Riley: Professor Walsh tried to have Buffy killed. Forrest: What? Did Buffy tell you that? I mean, do you have any proof? Riley: I saw enough to know it's true. Forrest: I don't get it. Why? Riley: I don't know. (paces across the room) Buffy thinks that she's getting too close to something. That Professor Walsh has some secret. Forrest: I wouldn't put it past Buffy to get on Professor Walsh's bad side. She tends to put her nose where it doesn't belong. Riley: What? Forrest: (angry) She's a pain. Always wanting to know "why this?" and "why that?" Riley: (exasperated) And you're saying she should die because of that? Forrest: I don't know. Maybe Professor Walsh found out that Buffy was up to something bad. That ever cross your mind? Riley: Why does it bug you so much that I'm hanging with her? Is it because she's a better soldier than you? Forrest: It bugs me that she's using you to infiltrate our operations. Riley: (raising voice) So you're saying she's a spy? You're crazy! (turns away) Forrest: Riley, think about it. The professor is not stupid. If she tried to kill Buffy, maybe Buffy needed killing. Behind Forrest, the door opens and Graham Miller steps inside. Graham: Guys. Riley: Not now, Graham. Graham's usually calm, stoic face seems a bit forced. Forrest: What is it? Graham: (deep breath) Professor Walsh is dead. Forrest takes this news and looks at Riley. Off Riley's shocked expression, we fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part Two ~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in on the Initiative. Riley rounds a corner quickly and pushes his way to the open door of lab 314. He sees Professor Walsh lying on the floor while two other scientists are looking over her body. Forrest steps up besides him and sees this and has to look away for a moment. Forrest: (steely) Look at that wound. She's been staked, wouldn't you say, brother? Riley: What? Forrest: Only one person I can think of who could do something like that. Riley: (warning tone) You better not be saying what I think you're saying. Riley steps out into the corridor. Forrest follows him and Riley faces him. Riley: We-we don't know that a person did this. The Polgara demon has a skewer that comes right out of-- Forrest: (angrily) No way! That's your girlfriend's MO! Riley: (grabs a fistful of Forrest's shirt) Hey, that's a serious accusation! You better be ready to deal with the consequences. Forrest: (shoves Riley back) Then bring `em on! That supernatural freak has blinded you and I'm sick of it! Riley: (advancing) That's enough! Angleman steps in between them. Angleman: Stand back! Show some respect! Listen, everybody's upset. But arguing isn't going to help anything. And it's certainly not what Professor Walsh would want. Riley and Forrest keep "I'm gonna kick your ass" eye contact for a few more seconds then break off. Riley: No, sir. (takes a couple of steps back) Angleman: All right. Good. Now Washington is sending in a team to do an internal investigation. I've been told we have to wait for their word. Riley: What do you mean "wait?" This has to be the work of the Polgara demon we captured last week! Angleman: Probably. Looks like, last night, the Polgara escaped through tunnel seventy-two. Riley: It's out loose somewhere?! Angleman: I'm afraid so. Riley: Then we have to go after it. Riley starts to walk off but Angleman stops him. Angleman: My orders from Washington are for a total lock-down until they arrive. I'm sorry. Now, return to your quarters. There's nothing you can do here. Riley is silent then nods. Satisfied, Angleman walks off. When he disappears around the corner Riley turns to Graham and a few other commandos standing nearby. Riley: Listen. Angleman can talk all he wants, but I'm still in charge until the brass gets here and tells me otherwise. I say we got a demon to hunt. (absently scratches the back of his right hand) Now suit up for armed patrol. And by that I mean loaded guns, man. Target practice is over. We're going for blood. They head off to follow their orders. Forrest looks at Riley but doesn't say anything as he walks past him to follow the others. Riley glances once more into the lab before following as well. Cut to cemetery. Daylight. Two humvees pull up and commandos, fully armed, start storming the mausoleums. We see Forrest and Graham head toward a mausoleum. Cut to interior of Spike's place. We don't see him inside and Forrest and Graham enter, rifles ready. Forrest: Somebody's been staying here. Graham: What do think, a homeless guy? Forrest: (moving deeper into the chamber) Could be. Or a squatter of the demon variety. Graham: But not the Polgara. Forrest: (faces him) Who cares!? I see a demon, it dies. There is a TV set up on a stone bench. Graham puts a palm on top of it. Graham: It's warm. Forrest glances at the sarcophagus and he and Graham move to either end, slinging their rifles. Together they raise the stone lid and lean it against the side. Inside they see an old decayed skeleton with its arms folded over its chest, covered in an old blanket. Unslinging there rifles they head for the door again. Forrest: Damn. Forrest is passing the TV and he shatters the screen with the stock of his rifle. Forrest: Animals. We hear them leave and we cut to a close up of inside the sarcophagus. The blanket is folded up and we see Spike's head poke out from between the skeleton's feet. He sits up, the skeleton's knees draping over his shoulders, and sighs in relief. Cut to the dry hills on the outskirts of Sunnydale. Buffy is walking down a dirt road. Behind her, up the road, a police car is parked. Below and ahead of her, she sees the crime scene. Another police car is parked and a detective is talking with a uniformed cop as two coroner's people carry a gurney with a small zipped bodybag on it under the crime scene tape. Riley: Buffy. She turns and sees Riley walking down the road towards her. He's in full commando attire. He's scratching the back of his right hand again. Riley: Hey. Buffy: Hey. Look, I'm sorry about earlier. I know everyone came on pretty strong. And the Spike thing isn't as tweaked as it looked. Okay, maybe it is. But there's an explanation that almost makes sense. (sees that he's looking off to the hills) Hello? I'm apologizing here. And I think that's pretty big of me, considering I'm the one who was almost made a demon sandwich. He doesn't say anything. Buffy: This is the part where you throw me a bone. Riley: Maggie's dead. Buffy absorbs this news. But before she can say anything-- Riley: Happy now? Buffy: (eyes narrowing) How can you ask me that? Of course I'm not happy. What happened? Riley: (coldly) That's classified. Buffy: Classifi-- (realizes) The Polgara. It got her and escaped. Didn't it? Riley just nods. Buffy: I'm gonna find it. I'm gonna find it and destroy it. (angry) And then you can stop asking me how happy all this death makes me! She steps around him and marches quickly back up the road. Riley turns as if to say something, but doesn't. Sighing, he faces the crime scene again. Cut to someone knocking on a door. Tara walks up and opens it to see Willow in the hall. Willow: (smiling) Howdy. Tara: (smiles) I just got your message a minute ago. I was in class. But I was about to call you. She steps back to let Willow inside. Willow: I had so much fun the other night. The spells. Tara: Yeah, that was nice. Willow: I hope you don't think that I just come over for the spells and everything. I mean, I really like just talking and hanging out with you and stuff. Tara: I know that. (knowingly) But you want to do a spell. Willow: Yeah. But only because it's really important. There's this-- Tara: No. You don't have to explain. I don't mind. Really. (smiles) I've been, um, thinking about that last spell we did all day. Willow: (excited) You have? Well this one should be fun, too. We conjure the goddess Thespia to help us locate demonic energy in the area. It shouldn't be too tricky. Tara: The goddess Thespia? Are you sure we're ready for that? Willow: You and me? (gamely) This is beneath us. Tara: (considers) . . . Okay. If you say so. Cut to Willy's bar. Buffy makes her entrance by pushing aside the beaded string curtains and quickly spots Willy behind the bar. Willy sees her and doesn't bother to hide a "God must hate me" sigh. He motions her to the other end of the bar. Buffy follows and leans on the bar. Willy: You're killing me here. Buffy: Oh, I missed you, too. The joint's jumping. Willy: Yeah. You know. (the vampire sitting nearby sees Buffy looking at him and takes his leave, forgetting his beer) Making some changes with my life. I'm getting away from my old image. Buffy: You mean as a double-dealing snitch? Willy: Uh-huh. I know you gonna think I'm blowing smoke, but after those apocalypse demons nearly did me in, I had an experience of the spiritual variety. Buffy: (not caring) That's swell, really. But I need to know if you've heard anything about a Polgara demon doing some killings in the last few of days. Willy: See, uh, that's the think. I don't talk behind people's backs no more. And I'm bringing some class to the joint. You know? It's "Willy's Place" now. See? (indicates neon sign on the wall) Brings in a better clientele. I got one of those deep friers. These demons just go crazy for chicken fingers. (off Buffy's expression) Look, if they see me dealing with you, then I'm just the same old Willy working both sides of the street. Buffy: I'm gonna have to punch you, aren't I? Willy: (not missing a beat) Just once and it don't have to hurt. Just make it look good. Buffy straightens and raises her fist. Willy instantly clutches his nose. Willy: Oww! Oh! Buffy: (whispering) Not yet, I haven't touched you! Willy: Oh, sorry. Right. Right. G-go ahead. Wait. (louder voice) No. I can't talk to you--oww! Buffy straight-jabs him in the nose and now he's really hurting. Willy: Ohhhh! Buffy: What have you heard about the Polgara? Willy: (still in pain) Heard there was one about a week or two back. Word was you got him. You and those army guys. Buffy: And that was the last you heard? Willy: Yeah. As far as I know, he's off the streets. Buffy: What about those army guys? What do you know? You heard anything about 314? Riley walks through the stringed curtains. Looking the place over he realizes it's filled with demons. As he approaches Buffy we notice there is a thin sheen of sweat on his face. He doesn't look happy at what he's seeing. Buffy: (faces him) What are you doing here? Following me? Riley: (a tad pissed) You told me you were tracking the Polgara demon. I thought I'd help. But now I see you're not hunting demons, you're socializing with them. *Again.* I thought you were supposed to be killing these things not buying them drinks? By this point he's become the center of attention. Buffy: (sarcastic) Oh, that's smooth, officer Riley. They teach you those undercover moves in special forces? Riley: I'm serious, Buffy. What are you doing here? Willy: Just cooling her dogs, like the rest of us. Why don't you sit down. Relax. Riley: (ignores him) I want you to tell me. Who are you? (seething) Really? Buffy glares at him, becoming a little pissed herself. Willy: No kidding. Why don't I get you some chicken fingers, on the house. Riley: (to Willy) Hey, you think you can shut up? Willy: Look, I'm just saying-- Riley: I said shut up! Or maybe you would like to go back to the lab with me. I'm sure the coats would love to classify a . . . whatever you are. Buffy: Leave him alone, Riley. He's human. Riley: So he's human. She looks at his arms. Buffy: You're shaking. Riley: (looking at Buffy) He just harbors demons. Which makes him a good guy like you? (grabs her roughly by the shoulders) The truth, Buffy. Now! Buffy: You have the truth. You are just too screwed up because of what happened to Professor Walsh to see it. (raises voice) Now let go of me! (knocks his hands off her shoulders) A middle-age looking woman gets up from the bar and walks quickly towards the door. Riley spots her over his shoulder. Riley: Hold it! You! She stops in her tracks as he draws his Barretta and aims it at her. The gun is trembling in his hand. Riley: No leaving until I say so. Got it? Willy: Hey. We got new rules here. No killing. Riley: (looking over his shoulder) Right! Except the rules don't seem to apply much these days. Do they? The woman is now facing Riley and looks terrified. Riley's breathing is becoming heavier and his shaking is getting worse. Riley: (to the woman) Like if I shot you right now, I don't know if I'd have a corpse on my hands or one pissed off vampire. Buffy: Riley-- Riley: (to Buffy) I mean, who do you believe? First it sounds like lies. Then it sounds like truth. Looks at the woman. She's starting to whimper. Buffy: Riley. . . He glances at Buffy and seems to realize what he's doing. He suddenly turns to the bar, sweeping his gun across the surface smashing several glasses. The woman flees. Buffy slowly approaches him. Concerned. He has his hands pressed to the bar as he leans against it, shaking uncontrollably. Riley: What's happening to me? ~~~~~~~~~~ Part Three ~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in. Xander's basement. It seems to be night. Riley is sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. He's no longer wearing his commando vest, gunbelt, nor his boots. Buffy brings him a blanket and drapes it around his shoulders as she sits down next to him. He looks up and pushes the blanket off. He's still sweating and shaking. Buffy rubs a soothing hand on his back. Buffy: (soft voice) Riley, why don't you lie down? You'll be more comfortable. She sees him furiously scratching the back of his right hand. He's broken the surface and there's a patch of red on his skin. She grabs his hands. Buffy: Stop it. Riley: (shaky voice) I can't. It's like . . . something's growing inside. He starts scratching and she takes his hand again. Buffy: No. You're hurting yourself. C'mere. (she reaches up and pulls off the red scarf she had wrapped around her hair) Okay, shh. (gently wraps it around his hand) Riley: I thought I knew . . . but I don't. I don't know anything. Buffy: (soothingly) Shh. You're sick. Once you get some rest-- Riley: No. Buffy. I don't know . . . anything. I don't know which team I'm on. Who the bad guys are. (looks into her eyes) Maybe I'm the bad guy. Maybe I'm the thing you should kill. Buffy: No. Don't you even think that. (puts a hand on his cheek) Okay, listen to me. You're sick. You just need to get some sleep. Please. Lie down for me. Come on. He pushes himself onto the bed and lays his head on the pillow. He curls his arms and legs in close as if cold and continues to shiver. Buffy walks around to the side and leans down to caress his cheek. Buffy: (quietly) You're gonna be okay. His eyes are closed and he seems to calm down a little. Buffy turns and steps through the draped blankets to the other side of the basement. Giles, Xander, and Anya are there researching. Giles is bringing a box of old books they haven't looked through to the others. Giles: How is he? Buffy: This isn't just grief making him act this way. Something's effecting him physically and it's getting worse. Anya: You think Professor Walsh did something to him? Buffy: I don't know, but I'm ready to find out. Xander: That's gonna be tough, what with Maggie's deadness and all. Buffy: She must have kept records somewhere. A-about Riley, about 314, about all of it. And I'm sure she wasn't the only person that knew what she was up to. Xander: So what's the plan? Buffy: Giles, Anya, keep researching. Xander, you and I are going undercover. Anya: Hey! (steps closer to Xander) Remember before? No Xander! Not in a "boyfriend" way or a "lead him to a certain death" way. Buffy: He's the only one with military experience. Anya: It's not like he was in the 'Nam. He was GI Joe for one night. Xander: It's okay, Anya. I've backed up Buffy before. Anya: (concerned) Can't you do something else to help them? Like Xerox handouts or something? Xander: I'll be careful. (puts his hands on her shoulders) Promise. She concedes but is not happy about it and Xander goes to get ready. Giles stands up from the box of books he was going through and faces Buffy. Giles: It's a minor point but how do you plan to get in to the Initiative? I'm sure their security system's almost impenetrable. Buffy: I have my clearance. I'm hoping she didn't have time to revoke it. Giles: Okay. Well as for the whereabouts of this Polgara demon, I'm afraid we've . . we've not turned up much. There've been no reports since its original capture. Buffy: Then we'll just have to keep looking. Cut to Tara's room. There is a bundle of string shaped into a square on the floor with four different color crystals weighing down each corner. Willow and Tara are sitting on either side of the square. Willow is grounding something in a small bowl. Tara: So . . the square is Sunnydale? Willow: Right. It's like a map. We both take different parts of the potion and when we do the incantation we both blow it onto the square at the exact same time. Tara: But how does it work? Willow: Well that's the cool part. When the potion mixes and Thespia's called it creates this mist over the parts where the demons are. I-It even makes different colors for different breeds. Tara: Wow. Willow: You ready? Tara nods. Willow pours some of the powdered contents of the bowl into Tara's palm, then pours some into her own hand from a second bowl. Willow: Let's do it. She closes her eyes and Tara does the same. Tara: Thespia, we walk in shadow. Walk in blindness. You are the protector of the night. Willow: Thespia, goddess, ruler of all darkness, we implore you . . . open a window to the world of the underbeing. Willow blows the powder out of her hand over the square. Tara blows over her hand, not disturbing her powder, and leans toward her bed to dump the potion underneath it. Willow still has her eyes closed and did not see this. Willow: With your knowledge may we go in safety. With your grace may we speak of your benevolence. Willow opens her eyes and looks down at the square, where nothing is happening. She frowns. Willow: Or not. She looks at Tara. Tara gives her a disappointed look. Cut to Lowell House. Buffy and Xander are quietly walking through the deserted lobby. Xander is wearing military garb similar to that of the Initiative commandos. He even has a gun belt with a sidearm in the holster (don't know if it's a real gun). Buffy is wearing a turtle-neck sweater, wire-rimmed glasses (got them from Giles?), and has her hair pulled back in a small bun. She is carrying a white lab coat wrapped around a clipboard. Xander: Seems pretty quite. Buffy: It usually is this time of-- A young man suddenly brushes past her but doesn't even act as if he notices them and continues on. Buffy and Xander continue into the central hallway of the building and Buffy pushes the hidden switch in the wall next to the floor to ceiling mirror and stands in front of it. Xander: (stepping up next to her) Buff, maybe you should check the look later. Buffy: Shh! (she shoves him away none too gently) Xander: Oww! (surprised and a little hurt) What'd you do that for? Buffy: Sorry. I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan. Xander: The re-- eww! I don't wanna see that. Buffy: (glares) *Retinal* scan, Xander. (looks into the mirror again) Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good. A horizontal green light emits from the mirror and slides down over her body. Xander: Or if we're about to die at the hands of fifty grief-filled military goons. Female computer voice: Retinal scan recorded. Summers. Buffy. The mirror slides to the side and Buffy steps into the very white elevator. Xander follows her. Xander: Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-sized microwave? Cut to Initiative. The elevator door slides open and Buffy is now wearing the lab coat and she and Xander step out onto the catwalk overlooking the huge hangar of the Initiative complex. His eyes widen as he gapes. Xander: (awed) Holy moly! Buffy: I know. Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have s*x with Riley, too? Buffy glares at him but he's still staring and doesn't see it. She takes his arm and leads him towards the stairs. When they descend to the first landing they see a couple of commandos climbing the stairs towards them. Xander turns to Buffy and pulls her close to him. Xander: (whispers) Quick pretend to make out with me! Buffy: (whispers) What!? What are you talking about? (pushes away) Xander: (whispers) Well, I, uh, you know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide. They pretend to be looking at her clipboard as the commandos pass them and continue up the stairs. Buffy: (whispers) Please! Could you possibly draw more attention to us? When the commandos are gone, they continue down to stairs. Buffy: (whispers) This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other. Xander: (whispers) Well maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that? Back at Xander's basement. Riley is still in bed and is sleeping. Cut to the other side of the basement. Willow is pacing. Anya is sitting in a large beanbag, looking through a book, and Giles is fixing tea on the washing machine. Willow: It totally failed. It wasn't even like the spell went wrong. It just . . . wouldn't. Giles: If it's any consolation, we haven't fared much better here. Willow: Really. Is Riley okay? Giles: Well, h-he's asleep. Finally. But he doesn't look good. (hands Anya a cup) And the, uh, research is troubling as well. I mean, this-this demon we're after seems highly atypical for a Polgara. This child that it killed . . was mutilated. There's no recorded cases of a Polgara ever having done such a thing. Anya: (fidgeting with the string of her tea bag) Also the Polgara have to eat every two hours. Factor in the low IQ and you have a demon who's not exactly low profile. Willow: So how has he been hiding out in Sunnydale for the last two days without anyone seeing him? Giles: Exactly. Willow pushes aside the blanket to check on Riley. She finds him standing just a foot in front of her. His eyes look a little sunken. Willow: (surprised) Riley. Riley: (agitated) Where's Buffy? Willow: She went out. Can-can I get you something? He sits on the bed to pull on his boots. Riley: Just tell me where she is. Giles: You're not well, Riley. Y-you need to rest. Riley: Did she find the Polgara? (stands, rubbing his arm as if cold) Huh? Is that it? Giles: Well, no, we're still looking. But-- Riley: But what? Willow: She went to find out what's making you sick. Riley: (sharply) I'm not sick! (more agitated) You're telling me she went to the Initiative?! Willow: Riley, she's just trying to help you. Riley: (crosses the basement to grab his gear) She doesn't belong there. Willow hurries to stand in front of the stairs to block his way. Willow: Riley, listen-- Riley: Stand away from the stairs. Willow: No! You're gonna get Buffy killed-- He shoves her hard to the ground. Giles: Hey! He and Anya rush to Willow as Riley dashes up the stairs. Giles: You all right? Willow is shakened but doesn't seemed to be hurt. As they help her we-- Cut to Initiative. Buffy and Xander are rounding a corner when they hear someone coming from down the corridor. Angleman: How many of the men are still out? They return to the corner and try to look inconspicuous as Dr. Angleman enters the corridor with another scientist. They eavesdrop. Angleman: The longer they go without their meds . . . Scientist #1: Everyone's off their schedules because of the professor's death. Angleman: It's dangerous. I don't want to think about the damage our guys could do under the stress of withdrawal. Especially since they won't understand what's happening to them. These guys don't know they've been getting meds in their food, so we better get them in here STAT. Scientist #1: We've located all but a few. The last ones were in pretty bad shape but we stabilized them. Angleman: But Finn wasn't one of them, right? Scientist #1: No. Angleman: Find him. He's the one I care about. He's too important to the work to lose now. Scientist #1: Indeed. Cut to Willy's Place. Spike walks in through the beaded curtains and heads to the bar. Spike: Double-shot of O-neg, 'keep. And make it the good stuff. I don't want no freaking orangutan. (puts a few dollars on the bar) Willy: Got ya. Willy grabs a shot glass and a bottle of thick, red liquid. Spike: (as drink is being poured) Been a pisser of a day, isn't it? Those army blokes are on a tear. They ran me outta my place. And all over town. Willy moves on and before Spike can take a drink, a large demon hand falls on his shoulder. Spike: Yeah, what's that? Spike turns his head to look at the demon. Spike's POV: the demon raises his other clawed hand in a closed fist and punches the camera out. (fade out) Back to the Initiative. Buffy and Xander are still eavesdropping on Angleman. Angleman: Keep me posted. I'll be in records He walks away and the other scientist heads in the other direction. Buffy keeps her back turned as Angleman passes behind her to a door at the end of the hall. He slips a keycard through an electronic lock and steps through the door. It's swinging close behind him but Buffy shoves the clipboard inside before it can and walks in. She hands the clipboard to Xander and marches up behind Angleman who is unaware until she spins him around to face her and shoves him against a counter, getting a fistful of his shirt. Buffy: (pissed) Now I don't generally like to kill humans, but I've learned that it pays to be flexible in life. Angleman: I was wondering when you'd turn up. Buffy: (mock disappointment) Oh darn! (takes off her glasses) So this isn't a surprise? Now you can tell me what you did to Riley and after that we can take a tour of room 314. Angleman: Somebody's coming, you know? I'm sure they've already seen you on the security monitors. Riley: (stepping from around a the corner) Monitors are non-functional at this time, sir. Went down about ten minutes ago. Buffy: (looks to Xander) What? I didn't do that. Xander: Thank god for small favors and we'll worry about details later, huh, Buff? Angleman: Finn take this girl to the stockade immediately. Buffy: Riley, he can tell us what we need to know. (to Angleman) Maggie wanted me dead, didn't she? Angleman: (a beat) She did. (to Riley) But understand the Initiative has no interest in eliminating the Slayer. It was her own vendetta. Buffy: Why? Spell it out for me. I feel an attack of "dumb blonde" coming on. Angleman: I don't know. Buffy: (jerks him closer) Well. Think. Harder. Angleman: It was . . . the project. Buffy: Project? 314. Angleman: It . . . Glances at Riley who is paying close attention. Angleman: (to Buffy) It escaped. Riley: (stepping closer) That's enough! You're making her sound like some psychopath. She wasn't like that! She was a brilliant woman! Angleman: She was. I--it's not-- Riley: (angry) All she was doing was trying to help people . . . and this is the way you want them to remember her?! Buffy: (to Riley) Angleman said Walsh was feeding you drugs. Riley: You're doing this to me, aren't you? He advances on her and Buffy lets go of Angleman to face him. Angleman starts slinking away towards a nearby door. Riley: (glaring) This all started because of you! Buffy: Look, if you will just listen to me, okay? I am trying to help you get to the truth. Riley: You want truth? Then tell me . . . (grabs her arm) what did you do to her, Buffy? Buffy: (breaks the hold) Stop it! I didn't do anything! Riley tries to grab her again and she has to push him back. Buffy: Riley, stop! This isn't about us! Everything that we need to know is here. We just need to find out what was in 314. A commando's body suddenly drops to the floor behind them. They all turn and look up. On a catwalk Adam is looking down at them. ADAM: Me. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part Four ~~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in. Exactly how we left everything. Adam starts to pace across the catwalk. ADAM: I've been thinking about the world. I wanted to see it. Learn it. I saw the inside of that boy and it was beautiful. But it didn't tell me about the world. It just made me feel. So now . . . I want to learn about me. Why I feel? What I am? He stops pacing and turns to face them. He takes a step forward and drops to the floor, landing on his feet. He's looking at Riley. ADAM: So I came home. He pulls out a computer disk from the cargo pocket of his camouflage pants. Its labeled "ADAM" and he slides it into the drive slot of the metal plate on his chest. The disk loads itself with a soft whirring. ADAM: (pacing again) I'm a kinematically redundant, biomechanical demonoid. Designed by Maggie Walsh. She called me Adam and I called her mother. Angleman: Adam. Maggie would want you to stand down. ADAM: (looks at him) Yes. But I seem to have a design flaw. Angleman looks as if he's ready to bolt. Buffy has a "Oh, sh1t" look on her face. ADAM: (pacing) In addition to organic material, I'm equipped with GP-2/D-11 Infrared Detectors. A Harmonic Decelerator, plus DC Servo. Buffy: She pieced you together from parts of other demons. Adam looks down at his green Polgara arm, and his dark tan demon right arm, which is plated with metal on the forearm and shoulder. ADAM: And man. And machine. Which tells me what I am . . but not who I am. Mother wrote things down. Hard data, but also her feelings. That's how I learned that I have a job here. And that she loved me. Riley: She wasn't your mother! And she didn't love you! Xander: (not taking eyes off Adam) Is that really the issue? Riley: She made you because she was a scientist! Xander: (warningly) Rileeey. ADAM: Riley Finn. He pulls out another disk, this one labeled "FINN," and loads it into his chest. Riley: Stop! Those files-- ADAM: Oh! Mother created you, too. Riley: Maggie is not my mother! (to Buffy) I have a mother! A real-- ADAM: A birth mother. Yes. But after you met Maggie, she was the one who shaped your basic operating system. She taught you how to think. How to feel. She fed you chemicals to make you stronger. Your mind and body. She said that you and I were her favorite children. Her art. That makes us brothers. Family. Riley: No! (taking a step forward) I'm not like you! ADAM: That's pain, isn't it? Why? Because your feeding schedule --the chemicals-- have been interrupted? Or do you miss her? Tell me. Riley: I'll kill you! ADAM: (calmly) You won't. You haven't been programmed to. Riley: I cannot be programmed! I'm a man! ADAM: It's here. He's pulled out another disk and his holding it up for Riley to see. ADAM: The plan she had for us. What happens. How it ends. Riley: (quietly) No. ADAM: Do you want to hear? Riley: No! Riley draws his Barretta and aims it at Adam. Before he can pull the trigger, Adam grabs his arm and forces him to drop it. Buffy rushes forward and Adam backhands her in the face, sending her to the floor. Riley frees himself and punches Adam across the metal side of his face. Adam, unfazed, hits him with an uppercut that sends him flying high across the room over a middle work table. He hits the floor in a tumble, stunned. Xander rushes forward but Adam just shoves him back against the wall and he goes down. Buffy is on her feet and sends a powerful roundkick to Adam's chest. Adam just looks at her and smashes a fist across her face. She retaliates with a punch to his midsection. Adam responds by slamming the same fist down on her shoulder this time driving her to the floor. Angleman decides it's time to get the hell out of there and runs past Adam, heading for the door. Adam sees him and his Polgara skewer juts out of his arm. ADAM: Doctor. Adam steps forward and plunges the skewer into Angleman's back. He gasps and shudders in pain for a few seconds then falls to the floor, sliding off the spear. Riley runs up behind Adam and jumps on his back, wrapping an arm around his neck. Adam just turns on him and stabs him in the left side of his abdomen. Riley falls back, hitting the metal railing of the stairs, and drops to the floor clutching his side. Buffy gets to her feet and slams a side kick into Adam's back, this time making him stumble. He quickly turns and she ducks a slash aimed at her head. He grabs her around the neck with his other hand and shoves her to the floor. Cut to the door. Graham and Forrest can be seen through the small wired-glass window. They are pounding on the door, trying to get in. Adam grabs Buffy again, lifting her off the floor, and throws her against the wall. She hits hard and falls, unmoving. Adam just stands and looks down at his fallen opponents. There are now more commandos outside the door, trying to break through. ADAM: Thank you. This has been . . . very interesting. He walks to the stairs and heads back up to the catwalk. Riley is lying against the wall, in pain and Buffy, nearby, is starting to move again. Commando: (OS) Back away from the door! Finally, one of the commandos figured out that one of the very big guns their holding would be very helpful right now, and sends a circle of shots through the metal door around the handle. Adam walks under an airvent and reaches for the grated cover. Buffy moves to Riley's side. Buffy: Riley. Are you okay? The door gives way and two commandos rush in, guns ready. Forrest and Graham are right behind them and another half dozen commandos follow. They see Angleman's body as they walk inside. Commando: (OS) Secure the room! Go! Go! Xander: (still on the floor) We got a demon in here. It escaped through that vent. Buffy: It's not the Polgara. It looks sort of half man. Forrest: Right! And you just happened to be in the neighborhood. Riley: (painfilled) She's telling the truth. I saw it. It killed Angleman. Go. Now! Commando: Yes, sir. Several commandos rush up the stairs to the vent. Forrest steps closer to Riley. Buffy: He needs to go to a hospital. Forrest: We'll take it from here. Buffy: I'm going with him. Forrest: It's a military hospital. Buffy: No. Forrest kneels beside Riley. Forrest: Back off! We take care of our own around here, understand? Two of the commandos standing next to Graham aim their rifles at Buffy. Xander, not liking where this is going, moves closer to her and reaches a hand down to her. Xander: (concerned) Buffy. Forrest motions Graham forward and Buffy has to move as he and Forrest lift Riley to his feet. Forrest: (to commandos) Escort them out. Riley looks back at Buffy. Riley: (weakly) Buffy Buffy can only stand and watch them take him away and tears start to fill her eyes. And we cut to-- The door of Willy's Place swings open and Spike is ejected, tumbling into the alley in a broken, bloody mess. As he lies on his back, a large bad-ass demon walks out and stands over him. Bad-ass Demon: What did you expect, Spike? A welcome party? Quick shot of two more mean looking demons standing in the doorway. Bad-ass Demon: Word's out: you've been making war on the demon world. Spike: (dazed) War? Bad-ass Demon: With the Slayer! You kill other demons and the rest of us don't hold with that. The other two demons, growling, duck back inside where the jukebox can be heard playing loudly. Bad-ass Demon: Still . . . if I see you around here again, *I'll* be inclined to break that code. Do you understand? Spike doesn't, or can't, say anything and the demon turns and walks back inside. Leaving Spike alone. Cut to UC Sunnydale. Next day. Willow and Buffy are outside, walking across campus. Willow: No word from Riley? Buffy: Nothing. The Initiative probably has him locked in some medical ward. There's no way I can get near him until I come up with a better plan than just storming in and getting us all shot. Willow: Yeah, you might want to work the kinks out of that one. Buffy: What am I going to do? He needs me and I can't get near him. Willow: You'll find a way. Buffy: It's not like I can spend all of my energy going after the Initiative. Not while Adam's out there. Willow: He's really that big of a threat? They move to the side of the walkway and sit down on a wooden bench. Buffy: (sighs) I could barely fight him. I-it was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast. He gave the commando guys the slip with no problem. Willow: There's gotta be a flaw. Buffy: I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight. She lets herself sit back as her thoughts return to Riley. Buffy: I never should have let them take Riley. I need to be with him. Willow: I'm sure he's okay. Buffy: There's no way he can be. Everything he's ever believed in has been taken away or . . . He's alone. He has nothing to hold on to. Dissolve to the corridors of the Initiative. Commandos and Scientists are going about business as usual. One commando is standing guard at a closed door. Dissolve to interior and the camera pans across the medical room where we see Riley lying on a bed. his abdomen is wrapped heavily in bandages, a small red stain over his wound. He's still sweating a little but no longer seems agitated. He's staring at the wall. He lifts his right hand and looks at Buffy's scarf still wrapped around his hand.
doc_30
Jim: Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid? Dwight: What do you think? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid? Dwight: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Altoid? Dwight: Sure [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight? Dwight: Inbwit? Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs] Jim: What are you doing? Dwight: I... Jim: What? Dwight: I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Always the bridesmaids, right ladies? Photographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So what's in the box? Stanley: A toaster, you? Karen: A toaster. Stanley: Unbelievable. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hello, Angela. Angela: Hi, Dwight. Dwight: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England. Angela: Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Those flowers are nice. Karen: Yeah. P and R? Jim: Phyllis and Robert. Karen: Ah, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Also, Pam and Roy. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin. Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside. Michael: How you doin'? You excited. Phyllis: Yes, very. Michael: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight? Phyllis: No. Michael: You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous... Phyllis: That wasn't me. Michael: Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle? Phyllis: I thought it was... Michael: Here, let me... Phyllis: Michael... No. Michael: Just cover up that bald patch. Phyllis: I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet. Michael: [in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you! Michael: Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people? Jim: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers. Dwight: No way. Jim: Did you ever see that movie? Dwight: Of course I saw it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out. Dwight: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her? Toby: At the gym. Kevin: Riiight. The gym. [snickers] [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Could you scoot over? You're on my dress. Meredith: I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding. Kelly: I know but there was an emergency. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I look really good in white. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: That's my dress. Michael: [whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking] Dwight: It's a miracle. Crowd: [generalized clapping] Michael: This is bull****! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over. [SCENE_BREAK] Priest: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? Phyllis: I do. Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance! Priest: And do you, Bob... Michael: Oh, shiii... Priest: ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife Bob Vance: I do. Priest: You may now kiss the bride. Michael: Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning. Phyllis: Thanks Angela. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you. Bob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you. Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers. Phyllis: I don't have that, Dwight. Dwight: Dammit, Phyllis! [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you. Pam: What do you mean? Kelly: Well... this was supposed to be your wedding. Pam: Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine Kelly: There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant. Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: 'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple? Uncle Al: Who? Dwight: The bride and groom? What are their names? Uncle Al: Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure. Dwight: Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on. Uncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going? Dwight: Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend. Uncle Al: Oh! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter? Phyllis: It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet. Michael: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back. Phyllis: It's fish. Michael: I will take care of that. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: Hey. Pam: Hey. Roy: I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste. Pam: You're kidding me, right? Roy: I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom. Pam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding. Roy: I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning. Pam: Yeah. Roy: Sorry about that. Pam: It's okay. Roy: You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married. [SCENE_BREAK] Randy: Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler! Crowd: [cheering and clapping] Unknown: She is. Randy: Cheers. Crowd: Cheers. Michael: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance... Bob Vance: Oh okay. That's enough. Michael: is a guy that... Bob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me... Michael: he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay. Bob Vance: Give me the microphone. Michael: No. I'm not going to... Bob Vance: Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael. Michael: Ok. All right. Bob Vance: You're out of here! Michael: Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey! Jim: When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? Pam: Oh... I'm pacing myself. Jim: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want. Pam: No. I'm such a dorky dancer. Jim: I know. It's very cute. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Come... Come on! Dwight: I can't let you in, Michael. Michael: Dwight, just... Dwight: No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders. Michael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song. Dwight: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure. Michael: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: Hey, they're playing our song. Pam: Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police. Roy: I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: [to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: [sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every... [SCENE_BREAK] Women: One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them] [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Toby! Yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I just want Phyllis to have a great day. Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together. Michael: We are great together. We are a great team. Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team. Michael: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon. Uncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know! Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember. Phyllis: You found Uncle Al! Michael: Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo. Phyllis: Thank you, Michael. Michael: You're... You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]
doc_31
THE YEAR 2030 LIVING ROOM (Daughter and Son sitting on couch) Future Ted: So kids, there are many buildings New York City. EXT. NEW YORK CITY BUILDINGS Future Ted: Thousands of apartments. Millions of stories. And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now, there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment. I have so many great memories of that place. EXT. APARTMENT (Marshall sitting on couch playing video game) Future Ted VO: Marshall playing video games. (Lily painting on fire escape, drops paintbrush) Future Ted VO: Lily painting on the fire escape. Mr. Madsen: Hey! Lily: Sorry, Mr. Madsen. (Ted in kitchen making coffee) Future Ted VO: And me making the coffee. I had this coffeepot that was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee. We called it Shocky Ted: Plugging in. Marshall: Saving game. (Ted plugs in coffeemaker and lights flicker and Ted gets shocked) (Interior shots of apartment) Future Ted VO: I loved every last detail of that place. Right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall. I never wanted any of it to change. But that's not how life works. (Marshall and Ted sitting in living room, Lily and Robin enter through front door holding four paper bags) Lily: You guys will never believe what just happened to us. Robin: I don't even believe it myself. Lily: We were in Queens and we decided to stop by my apartment. INT. LIVING ROOM, YEAR 2030 (Daugher and Son sitting on couch looking bewildered) Daughter: Wait, her apartment? I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall. EXT. STREET (flashback to Lily and Robin walking to Lily's apartment) Lily: I could see how you would think that but I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing. Robin: When was the last time you were there? Lily: Three months ago. (Robin laughs) Lily: What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there. (Lily and Robin stop walking, Lily looks confused) Lily: What the hell? Robin: What? Lily: This is my apartment. Robin: Where? Lily: Right here. INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT (Lily and Robin enter through front door) Lily: What the hell? Robin: Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant. Lily: No, no, this was my apartment. My dresser was right... (Lily looks around to point out to Robin where her dresser would be) Lily: That's my dresser! And this is my closet. (Lily opens closet door) And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain. (Lily and Robin look at something on carpet) (Waitress walks in from kitchen) Waitress: Hi, how many? (Lily looks up at Waitress) Waitress: Lily. Lily: Yes, you know me? Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in person. Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake. Where's my stuff? Waitress: It's all in the back. We could wrap it up for you. You want it to go? Lily: This is my apartment! Waitress: Not anymore. INT. APARTMENT (back to Lily and Robin telling this story to Ted and Marshall) Ted: No way. You're making this up. Marshall: Yeah, the building would have had to give you some sort of notice. (back to Chinese restaurant flashback) Waitress: They sent you a notice about this. Lily: When? Waitress: Three months ago. Here's your mail minus the magazines. (back to everyone in apartment) Marshall: Well, still, legally, they can't just toss you out onto the street. You have a lease. (back to Chinese restaurant scene) Lily: OK so I didn't have a written lease as such but, but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy. (Lily turns to Robin) Lily: She may be 98 years old but she's still... (Lily turns back to Waitress) Lily: She's dead, isn't she? Waitress: Never even saw the bus. INT. APARTMENT Lily: My apartment is a Chinese restaurant. What am I gonna do? Ted: Come live with us. Lily: Really? Ted: Of course. Marshall: You sure about this, Ted? Ted: Yeah. I mean, you basically live here anyway. It's not like it'll change anything. INT. BAR (Barney, Robin and Ted sit at booth) Barney: No, it's like it'll change everything. Oh, Ted, you are so screwed. Ted: What? What are you talking about? Robin: And why is that girl checking you out? (Girl at another table is looking at Barney) Barney: Because I look good. Now focus, you and Marshall are roommates. You have an amazing apartment. Marshall and Lily just got engaged Ted: Yeah, so? Barney: So, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you? Someone's going to move out. So who's it gonna be? Robin: Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment. You talked about who gets the apartment, right? Ted: Yeah, we've talked about it. (flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment) Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment? Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that? Marshall: Who? Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall. Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it. (back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar) Ted: Dammit Past Ted Barney: You blew it, dude. Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic. They're edging you out. Ted: That's crazy. They're not edging me out. Marshall's my best friend. (Barney exhales loudly) Ted: One of my best friends. He wouldn't do that to me. Barney: Just keep your eyes open. That's all I'm saying, Ted. Little things are gonna be changing around that apartment. Robin: Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid. OK, seriously, what is this girl's deal? (Girl at other table waves at Barney, Barney waves back) Barney: Sort of on a date with her. Ted: What? Barney: I found her online. I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. I'm looking for a soul-mate, someone who I can love and cuddle, or so it says in my profile. (evil laugh) But this girl, she wants the same stuff and it's bumming me out. All right, Ted, call me from the hospital. Ted: All right. Robin: You're going to the hospital? Ted: No, see, he's gonna go back over there and I'm gonna call him and he's gonna pretend that it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital. Robin: Oh, Lord, fake emergency? That is lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book. I expect more from you, Barney. Barney: Well, stay tuned, I'm working on some stuff. But in the meantime, wish me luck. (Barney gets up to sit with Girl) Robin: So, are you gonna talk to Marshall? Ted: He's gonna want the apartment. I'm gonna want the apartment. It's gonna lead to an argument, so no. Robin: Hm, that's real healthy. So, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it. Ted: I should really make this call. (Ted takes out his cell phone and starts dialing) Robin: Ooh, can I do it? (Ted pushes phone over to Robin) (Barney's phone rings, he answers) Barney: Hello? Robin: Hi there, sexy. Barney: Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up? Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff. Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK? Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy. Barney: Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter? Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate. Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there. (Barney stammers and gets up to leave, walks by Ted and Robin's booth) Barney: See you guys later. (Barney walks out of bar) INT. APARTMENT (Lily is painting by fireplace, Ted is sitting on couch drinking coffee, Marshall is at table studying) Ted: Ah, this'll be nice, the three of us living together. I think it's a good setup. (Marshall smiles at Ted and Lily, Lily smiles back) Ted: Man, this coffee's great. It's really great. Too great. (Ted puts down coffee cup and runs to kitchen and sees a different coffeemaker) Ted: What happened to Shocky? (Ted notices Shocky in trash can and gasps) (Ted carries new coffeemaker into living room) Ted: What's this? Lily: My coffeemaker from my apartment. Makes great coffee, right? Ted: Yeah, definitely. I mean, so does Shocky. Marshall: Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kinda rusty. Ted: Yeah, no, it did. I mean, I kinda liked the rusty taste. I'm used to it. I don't know. Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you. Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee. Ted: That's great. You're right. Roomies! I love it. INT. BAR (Robin, Ted and Barney sitting at table) Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't' believe it but you're right. Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one. Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she! Ted: It's not just the coffeemaker. INT. APARTMENT (Lily painting, Marshall studying close by, Ted walks into living room from his bedroom) Lily: Done. The painting's done. Marshall: That is great. Ted: Nice. Marshall: Where do you wanna hang it? Lily: I don't know. Um, over the piano? Ted: Yeah, that would be a good place for it. Too bad the swords are there. We kinda love those swords. Marshall: Well, those swords have been up there a long time. Ted: I know, right? I'd really miss them too. So, maybe Marshall's room? Lily: OK. INT. BAR (Robin, Ted, and Barney at table) Ted: He was gonna take the swords down. Can you believe that? Robin: Ted, why don't you just talk to him? He's your best friend. (Barney makes protest sounds) Robin: One of your best friends. The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication. Barney: Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever. Look, you held off their first advance. That's good. Now it's time to counter-strike. Ted: Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do? Barney: You gotta mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet. You gotta do something big. Ted: What, like buy a new sofa? Barney: Bigger. (Barney looks over and sees Katie enter bar) Barney: Katie's here. OK, real quick, last night, epiphany! I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready? A lemon law. Robin: A lemon law, like for cars. Barney: Exactly. From the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening. And if you don't, it's no hard feelings just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. Huh? Huh? The lemon law, it's gonna be a thing, possibly starting right now. (Barney walks over to booth where Katie is sitting and sits down) Barney: Hi Katie. Barney. Katie: Hi, it's good to finally meet you. (Barney looks over at Ted and looks back at Katie) Barney: Hm, yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history. (Barney talks to Katie and she gets up to leave) Barney (yelling to Katie as she leaves): Tell your friends. Barney (to Robin and Ted at other table): It's gonna be a thing. [SCENE_BREAK] KITCHEN (Marshall making sandwich, Lily grabs some drinks from the refrigerator) Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese. Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's. Lily: He's not cool with me moving in. Marshall: No, that's not it. I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you. Lily: So, what's he PMS'ing about? (Lily and Marshall take food into other room to eat at table) Marshall: I don't know. But when he's ready to talk to me about it he'll come and talk to me about it. Lily: Are you kidding? You guys never talk about anything. (knock on front door) Lily: He'll just let it fester under the surface until he does something big and passive-aggressive. Marshall: You clearly don't know Ted. (Marshall opens front door) Delivery guy: Delivery for Ted Mosby. LIVING ROOM (Marshall sitting on couch, large red phone booth is next to couch, Ted walks in through front door) Marshall: Your English phone booth arrived. Ted: Oh, awesome. It's great, right? Marshall: Yeah, I guess. Just not sure if Lily's gonna like it. Ted: Well, I like it, so I'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool. Marshall: Of course, we all live here so we should all be able to have things the way we want them. Ted: Exactly. Marshall: Great Marshall: Terrific. (Marshall walks over to painting) Marshall: You like the phone booth. It stays. I like this painting so I'm just gonna hang it...right here on the wall. (Marshall takes swords down and throws them down on the ground, hangs painting in their place) Ted: Oh, so it's like that, is it? Marshall: Bring, bring. (Marshall walks over to phone booth and picks up phone) Marshall (in British accent): Oh hello governor, oh it's like isn't it? Cheerio. (hangs up phone) Marshall: Yeah, it's like that. Ted: I want this apartment. Marshall: Well, I want it too. BAR (Girl #2 standing at table Barney's sitting at) Girl #2: You're a jerk. (Girl #2 walks away) Barney: No, I'm a visionary. Lemon law, it's gonna be a thing! (Barney walks over to Robin at bar) Robin: For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society. Barney: No, wrong, lemon law is awesome. Robin: It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone. You keep giving up on people so quickly, you're gonna miss out on something great. Barney: OK, you're on a blind date, sitting across the table is that guy. (Barney points over to geeky guy) Barney: You really think it'll take more than five minutes to realize there will be no date number two? Robin: Yes I do. For all I know, that guy's my soul-mate. Barney: Bad move, Scherbatsky. (Barney goes over to geeky guy) Barney: Hi, have you met Robin? Kevin: Hi. Robin: Hi. INT. APARTMENT (Ted and Marshall talking) Ted: All right Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment. It may lead to an argument, but we're settling this. Marshall: Or we could flip a coin. Ted: Yeah, let's flip a coin. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: OK, I'm flipping it, here I go. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: OK, here I go. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: I'm flipping. But before I do, I just wanna say something. You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place. You said a pre-war building was bad for your allergies. Marshall: That was five years ago. Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. Oh snap. What else you got? Ted: OK, I'm flipping. Heads or tails. Marshall: You don't need two rooms Ted: Heads or tails, Marshall. Like you need two rooms? Marshall: We might be starting a family soon. Ted: Oh, no you're not. There's no way you're having a baby while you're in law school. It's gonna be at least three years. Marshall: It could be sooner, we're not that careful with our birth control Two-zip. Ted: Oh, come on, you know damn well I move out that room's going unused. Marshall: Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate? Who's it gonna be? Barney? You know he cooks naked. Ted: Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down. (Ted runs over to the swords, picks up a sword) Ted: We were bros! These swords represent our bro-hood. And you took 'em down to make room for your fiance's stupid painting? Marshall: My fiancé...suddenly, she's my fiancé. (Marshall picks up other sword) Marshall: Lily's a part of who I am. And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are too. She's a bro by extension. Ted: I deserve this apartment, Marshall. (Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword) Marshall: No more than I do. (Marshall taps Ted's sword with his sword) Ted: Great, so let's flip for it. (Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword) Marshall: Flip it. (Ted gets ready to flip coin, Ted and Marshall start sword fighting) Ted: So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment? Marshall: I guess so. Ted: How are we doing this exactly? Is this like to the death? Marshall: We should probably figure that out. (Marshall swipes at Ted, Ted jumps back and falls into chair) Ted: It's OK, it's OK. (Ted gets up and goes to other side of room) Ted: Can I observe something? Marshall: That this is kinda awesome? Ted: Totally. Marshall: I can't believe we didn't do this before. Ted: I know! INT. RESTAURANT (Robin and Kevin sitting at table, waiter dressed in futuristic costume serves them drinks) Robin: Thank you. Kevin: I can't believe this. I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met eating at my favorite restaurant. Sweet. Robin: It's a nice place. It's good to know the future has ribs. Kevin: In the future food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. Plus cows will probably have died out by then... or be our leaders. (Robin's cell phone rings) Robin: Just a second. (Robin answers her phone) Robin: Hello. (Barney on phone looking at his watch) Barney: (laughs) Time's running out, Scherbatsky. Last chance for the lemon law. (Robin on phone) Robin: Leave me alone. (Barney on phone looking at his watch) Barney: 4:56, 4:57, 4:58. (Robin on phone) Robin: We're only just getting to know each other. (Barney on phone) Barney: Say I'm right and this could all be over. This could be your call from the hospital. (Robin hangs up phone) Robin: Sorry. Kevin: Let me guess, there's been a crazy accident and you have to go. Robin: No, I would never do that. I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours. Kevin: Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money. INT. APARTMENT (Marshall and Ted hit swords, Ted spins around and they hit swords again) Marshall: That was awesome. Ted: I know. Marshall: Do it again. Ted: OK, but this time, jump up and I'll swipe your legs. (Marshall and Ted hit swords, Ted spins around and they hit swords again, Marshall jumps up and Ted swipes sword beneath his feet, the continue sword fight) Ted: Look. Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair? Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin-hoo. Ted: What? Marshall: Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking. Ted, if you wanted to be married by now you would be but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky. You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic. Ted: Anhedonic? Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything. Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this. Marshall: I know, this rules. (Marshall and Ted continue sword fight) Marshall: Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down. Ted: That's OK, it led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it? Marshall: Yeah it did. (Marshall is standing on table and they lock swords) Marshall: You remember when we first got these swords? Ted: It was the day we moved in. (flashback to day they moved in, Marshall is assembling coffee table, Ted just mounted swords on wall) Ted: Congratulations, Marshall. We live in an apartment with swords on the wall. Marshall: List of lifelong dreams, you're not half as long. Crap. I'm missing one of the screws for this table Ted: Just use this wood glue, it'll hold. Marshall: Yeah. (back to present scene, Lily enters apartment through front door, table collapses under Marshall and he falls back towards front door, Lily screams, Ted screams with horror with hands to face) INT. RESTAURANT (Robin is on phone) Robin: Oh God, I'll be right there. (Robin hangs up phone) Robin: Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go. My friend's been stabbed with a sword. Kevin: Hab slosi quch! You have no honor. You know, if you felt this way you could have just been upfront. Robin: No, I swear that was a real call. I just...Oh forget it. (Robin gets up and leaves restaurant) INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA (Ted and Marshall sitting, Marshall's holding flowers) Marshall: I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancé. Ted: Come on, Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancé? I'm kidding. Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment. Marshall: But you fought so bravely for it. Ted: I wasn't fighting for the apartment. I was fighting for...I don't know...for everything to stay the way it is. But I'm not gonna get that, so, seriously, take the place, it's yours. (Robin and Barney enter waiting area) Robin: Is she OK? Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine. Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie. (Ted, Marshall and Robin look at him surprised) Barney: What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie. INT. BAR (Barney sitting at table with Jackie) Barney: Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie O. Jackie: Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you. INT. HOSPITAL WAITNG ROOM Barney: It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law. Robin: But you're totally... Ted: Just let him have this one. (Doctor exits examining room to go into waiting area) Doctor: All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table? Marshall: That's us. (Marshall and Ted get up and go into examining room) INT. EXAM ROOM (Ted and Marshall stand sheepishly in front of Lily, Lily sits on exam table with right shoulder bandaged) Lily: A sword fight? Marshall, Ted: Sorry, Lily. Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class who I teach not to run with scissors that my fiancé ran me through with a frickin' broad sword. Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through. Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me? Marshall: You're right. I'm sorry. We were fighting to see who gets the apartment. And I won. Ted: Uh, you didn't win. I gave it to you. Marshall: Uh, you know, if I tried... Lily: Wait wait wait wait wait. I don't want that apartment. It's a boy apartment. It's full of swords and videogames, and kinda smells like dude. It's fine for now, but when we get married, I wanna start a new life with you in a new place. Marshall: Gonna miss the old place. (Marshall sits next to Lily) Lily: I will too. We're not getting married for like a year. Ted: Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem. Let that guy deal with it. Marshall: Totally. Lily: Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking but I'm starving. Marshall: Let's go get some dinner. Lily: I know just the place. INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT (Robin, Marshall, Lily, Ted, and Barney sitting around table) Ted: Chinese restaurant, I still don't believe it. Lily: I told you. OK, a toast. (Everyone lifts their cup) Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff. (Everyone clinks glasses) Everyone: Here here. Cheers Barney: And to the lemon law. (Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him) Barney: Self-clink. (Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together) Lily: And by the way, I bought these glasses. I bought them at Ikea. These are my glasses. Marshall: I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever. Lily: I'm pretty sure this is a mixed tape you made me in sophomore year. Robin: Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings. Marshall (on tape): I love you, Lily. Happy Valentine's Day 1998.
doc_32
EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT A fierce thunderstorm blows outside a remote manor house. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT A young WOMAN enters the parlour to see an older MAN surrounded by tables of electronic equipment. WOMAN: How are we looking? MAN: (nervously) Oh... about ready, I think. WOMAN: Any thoughts on the, er, interference? MAN: (sits) Erm, a stray FM broadcast, possibly? But I've fitted some ferrite suppressors and some RF chokes. Just in case. (stands and puts a camera around his neck) Are you sure you want to go through with this? I mean, the last time was very... WOMAN: But she's so lonely. MAN: Excellent, then. Excellent. The MAN sits down, puts on a headset and taps on a microphone before speaking into it. MAN: Caliburn House, night four, November 25th, 1974. 11.04pm. He nods to the WOMAN and she takes a few steps forward to the archway at the base of the stairs. The MAN stands and holds up a parabolic microphone and aims it towards the arch. WOMAN: I'm talking to the spirit that inhabits this house. Are you there? Can you hear me? I'm speaking to the lost soul that abides in this place. The microphone picks up some static and hissing sounds. The MAN looks over to one of the machines that records energy levels. The needles are moving over the paper. WOMAN: Come to me. Speak to me. Let me show you the way home. A high-pitched whine comes over the headphones, causing the MAN to shout out and pull them away from his ears. The machinery reacts, registering the sound. A distorted screaming can be heard, The WOMAN backs out of the dark hallway. WOMAN: Let me show you the way home! The MAN picks up the camera and begins clicking away as he faces the archway. At each click, a misty white figure appears, an arm stretched out towards them. It comes closer and the WOMAN gasps as the figure appears to pass through her. She falls against a chair and the MAN goes to her. MAN: Emma? He holds her and helps her stand. He puts his hands on her shoulders and she grips his lapels. EMMA: She's so... MAN: So what? EMMA: Dead. There is a knocking at the front door and both turn their heads. They walk slowly to the main door. INT. HOUSE, FRONT DOOR, NIGHT The MAN pulls the door open and there's no one there. The DOCTOR sticks his head out from behind the other door. DOCTOR: Boo! Hello, I'm looking for a ghost. MAN: And you are...? CLARA: (stands beside DOCTOR) Ghostbusters! [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith [SCENE_BREAK] Jenna-Louise Coleman "Hide" By Neil Cross PRODUCER Marcus Wilson DIRECTOR Jamie Payne [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE, FRONT DOOR, NIGHT DOCTOR: (holds up psychic paper) I'm the Doctor. MAN: Doctor what? DOCTOR: If you like. And this is Clara. (walks past MAN) INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT The DOCTOR walks into the parlour, excited. He runs over to the machines. The others follow. DOCTOR: Ah, but you are very different! You are Major Alec Palmer. Member of the Baker Street Irregulars, the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. (whispers to ALEC) Specialised in espionage, sabotage and reconnaissance behind enemy lines. You're a talented water-colourist, professor of psychology AND... ghost hunter! (shakes ALEC'S hand) Total pleasure. Massive. EMMA: Actually, you're wrong. Professor Palmer spent most of the war as a POW. DOCTOR: Actually, that's a lie told by a very brave man involved in very secret operations. The kind of man who keeps a Victoria Cross in a box in the attic, eh? But you know that! Because you're Emma Grayling... (walks over and air-kisses both cheeks) the Professor's companion... EMMA: Assistant. DOCTOR: It's 1974 - you're the assistant and "non-objective equipment". (looks to CLARA who is by equipment) Meaning "psychic". CLARA: Getting that. Bless you, though. The DOCTOR walks over to the area by the equipment. ALEC: Relax, Emma. He's Military Intelligence. (to DOCTOR) So what's all this in aid of? CLARA sits on the desk. DOCTOR: Health and safety! Yeah, the Ministry got wind of what's going on down here. Sent me to check that everything's in order. ALEC: They don't have the right. DOCTOR: Don't worry, Guv'nor, I'll be out your hair in five minutes. (looks at equipment and snaps fingers) Oh! Oh, look! Oh, lovely. (sits next to CLARA and plays with a switch) The ACR 99821. Oh, bliss, nice action on the toggle switches. You know, I do love a toggle switch. Actually, I like the word "toggle". Nice noun. Excellent verb. (CLARA touches a switch and the DOCTOR slaps her hand) Oi, don't mess with the settings. The DOCTOR stands and takes the sonic screwdriver from his inside jacket pocket and scans ALEC and EMMA. ALEC: What's that? DOCTOR: Gadget. Health and safety. Classified, I'm afraid. (stops under arch) You know, while the back room boffins work out a few kinks. (turns back around and scans archway) EMMA: What's it telling you? DOCTOR: It's telling me that you haven't been exposed to any life-threatening transmundane emanations. So... (spins around and claps his hands) where's the ghost? (walks over to them and picks up lit candelabrum) Show me the ghost. There is an eerie whooshing and the DOCTOR smiles. DOCTOR: It's ghost time. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT Outside the storm still rages. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR walks down the dark hall, the candelabrum the only source of light. ALEC is on his heels. EMMA and CLARA follow. ALEC: I won't have this stolen out from under me, do you understand? DOCTOR: Erm, no, not really, sorry. ALEC: I will not have my work stolen, then be fobbed off with a pat on the back and a letter from the Queen. Never again! This is my house, Doctor, and it belongs to me. CLARA: This is actually your house? ALEC: It is. CLARA: Sorry. You went to the bank and said, "You know that gigantic old haunted house on the moors? The one the dossers are too scared to doss in? The one the birds are too scared to fly over?" And then you said, "I'd like to buy it, please, with my money." ALEC: Yes, I did, actually. CLARA: That's incredibly brave. CLARA hears creaking and looks around nervously. DOCTOR: Listen, Major, we just need to know what's going on here. ALEC: For the Ministry? DOCTOR: You know I can't answer that. ALEC: Very well. Follow me. (leaves) INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT ALEC has set up a board with pictures and notes of the history of the house and the ghost. The DOCTOR is using the camera to take pictures of himself. CLARA sits and talks with EMMA. CLARA: So what's an empathic psychic? The DOCTOR walks between them to the small bar and starts looking at the bottles. EMMA: Sometimes I... sense feelings. The way a telepath can sense thoughts. Sometimes, though. Not always. The DOCTOR takes a drink of milk right from the bottle. DOCTOR: The most compassionate people you'll ever meet, empathics. And the loneliest. I mean, exposing themselves to all those hidden feelings - all that guilt, pain and sorrow and... CLARA sees EMMA'S discomfort and puts a hand on the DOCTOR'S arm. CLARA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes? CLARA: Shh. The DOCTOR looks at EMMA. ALEC is ready to show them the board. ALEC: Would you, er, care to have a look? The DOCTOR, CLARA and EMMA walk over. ALEC: Caliburn House is over 400 years old but she's been here much longer... the Caliburn Ghast. She's mentioned in local Saxon poetry and Parish folk tales. The Wraith of the Lady, the Maiden in the Dark... the Witch of the Well. CLARA: Is she real? As in, actually real? ALEC: Oh, she's real. In the 17th century, a local clergyman saw her. He wrote that her presence was accompanied by a, "dreadful knocking, as if the Devil himself demanded entry." During the war, American airmen stationed here left offerings of tinned Spam. The tins were found in 1965, bricked up in the servants' pantry, along with a number of handwritten notes. Appeals to the Ghast... "For the love of God, stop screaming." CLARA: She never changes. The angle's different, the framing, but she's always in exactly the same position. Why is that? The DOCTOR gets the candelabrum and holds it closer, examining the photos. ALEC: We don't know. She's an objective phenomenon. But objective recording equipment can't detect her... DOCTOR: Without the presence of a powerful psychic. ALEC: Absolutely. Very well done. EMMA: She knows I'm here... They turn to look at EMMA. EMMA: I can feel her... calling out to me. CLARA: What's she saying? EMMA: "Help me." Behind them, a shadow passes the doorway quickly. CLARA turns her head, sensing something, but sees nothing. DOCTOR: "The Witch of the Well". So where's the well? ALEC leads the DOCTOR over to a table on which rests plans of the house. ALEC: A copy of the oldest plan that we could find, there is no well on the property. None that we could find, anyway. CLARA is staring at the photographs when the DOCTOR comes up behind her and taps her on the head. She gasps and turns on him. DOCTOR: (whispers) You coming? CLARA: (whispers) Where? DOCTOR: (whispers) To find the ghost. CLARA: (whispers) Why would I want to do that? DOCTOR: (whispers) Because you want to, come on. (starts for the door) CLARA: (whispers) Well, I dispute that assertion. The DOCTOR stops and turns around. He sees EMMA watching them. He nods his head to get CLARA to move. DOCTOR: (whispers) I'm giving you a face. Can you see me? Look at my face. CLARA: (whispers) Fine. (walks over) Dare me. DOCTOR: (whispers) I dare you. No takesies-backsies. CLARA shakes her head and takes the candelabrum from the DOCTOR and heads through the door. The DOCTOR claps his hands and laughs before following CLARA. EMMA: The Music Room is the heart of the house. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CLARA walk down the dark corridors. CLARA: (whispers) Say we actually find her. What do we say? DOCTOR: (whispers) We ask how she came to be... whatever she is. CLARA: (whispers) Why? DOCTOR: (whispers) Because I don't know. And ignorance is... what's the opposite of bliss? CLARA: (whispers) Carlisle. DOCTOR: (whispers) Yes! Yes, Carlisle. Ignorance is Carlisle. As the DOCTOR and CLARA leave a particular hall, there is a snarling and scraping sound and a part of something can be seen in the shadows. INT. HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CLARA examine the room by candlelight. The DOCTOR ducks a cobweb. He checks the teapot sitting on the table. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT EMMA stands by the fireplace. ALEC is at the desk, looking at the plans. EMMA: Is he really from the Ministry? ALEC: Er, I don't know. He's certainly got the right demeanour. Capricious... brilliant. EMMA: (walks over) Deceitful. ALEC: Yes! Ha... he's a liar... but, you know, that's often the way that it is... when someone's... seen a thing or two. Experience makes liars of us all. We lie about who we are... about what we've done... EMMA: And how we feel? ALEC: Yes... always, always that. EMMA walks her fingers along to desk towards ALEC'S hand. ALEC: (nervously) You know, I have to... have to be getting on with things The, erm, the equipment and so forth. EMMA: Of course. ALEC walks away. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CLARA enter the room. A harp stands in one corner and there are music stands placed around the room. The DOCTOR scans with the sonic. CLARA stops in the centre and looks around. DOCTOR: Ah, the Music Room. The heart of the house. Do you feel anything? CLARA: No. DOCTOR: Your pants are so on fire. CLARA walks further into the room until she is by the DOCTOR. The sonic isn't working properly so the DOCTOR taps it against his hand and blows on it. CLARA: Do you feel like you're being watched? DOCTOR: What does being watched feel like? Is it that funny tickly feeling on your neck? CLARA: That's the chap. DOCTOR: Then, yes, a bit. Well, quite a big bit. The DOCTOR puts away the sonic and walks towards the door, stopping just in front of it. CLARA hears a whoosh and turns around. The DOCTOR takes a step closer to the door and exhales. His breath can be seen. Creaking and scraping is heard. CLARA: I think she's here. The DOCTOR steps forward and exhales. Nothing. He steps back, exhales and sees his breath again. DOCTOR: Cold spot. Spooky. (turns around) Cold... (steps forward) warm. (back) Cold... (right) warm... (back) cold... (left) warm... (back) cold... (towards door) warm... (back) cold. A creaking is heard. The DOCTOR draws a chalk circle on the floor to mark the cold spot. CLARA: Doctor? Doctor! DOCTOR: What? CLARA: I'm not happy. DOCTOR: No. The DOCTOR leaves the room while CLARA is looking the other way. She turns back and sees him leaving. CLARA: Hey! (runs after the DOCTOR across the circle) INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT The needles on the machine start moving. ALEC looks over. It stops and starts again. He walks over and looks at the measurements. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT Steam rises from the chalk circle and the line disappears. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CLARA are walking past a window when they hear a thudding. CLARA: (whispers) What was that? There are two more thuds. They both breathe out and it is visible. A gust of air blows out the candles. They look at each other, stunned. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT EMMA walks into the room. ALEC: Does it seem colder? ALEC looks at the thermometer and the mercury drops to zero. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR blows on his hands and rubs them together as he and CLARA look at the window as it frosts. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT EMMA looks to the archway. EMMA: She's coming. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT A loud thudding echoes. CLARA: OK, what is that? DOCTOR: (leans on elbow against wall) It's a very loud noise. It's a very loud, very angry noise. CLARA: But what's making it?! DOCTOR: I don't know. Are you making it? There's another loud thud and, with a start, the DOCTOR rushes over to stand beside CLARA. CLARA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes? CLARA: I may be a teeny, tiny bit terrified. DOCTOR: Yes? CLARA: But I'm still a grown-up. DOCTOR: Mainly, yes, and...? CLARA: There's no need to actually hold my hand. The DOCTOR holds both hands out in front of him. DOCTOR: Clara? CLARA: Yes? DOCTOR: I'm not holding your hand. They slowly look behind them, and, in a flash of lightning, see the outline of *something*. They scream and run. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CLARA run down the stairs. ALEC looks over at them. A whirling dark dish materializes just as the DOCTOR reaches the bottom of the stairs. The DOCTOR takes out the sonic and scans. DOCTOR: Has this happened before? ALEC: Never! DOCTOR: Camera! Camera! (takes camera from ALEC'S unresisting hands) The DOCTOR takes pictures of the spinning dish. It spins faster and cracks begin to form inside it. EMMA is still looking at the archway. She gasps and the figure appears in what seems to be a wood. There is an eerie, distorted shouting. CLARA turns her head and sees it as well. CLARA: Doctor?! The DOCTOR turns around and continues to take photos with the camera. EMMA is becoming overwhelmed with the contact to the figure. GHOST: Help me! EMMA collapses and ALEC catches her. There is a crash from upstairs and CLARA looks up. CLARA: Doctor. The DOCTOR, EMMA and ALEC follow CLARA'S gaze. The DOCTOR slowly walks up the stairs where a message glows on the wall: Help Me. It fades away and the spinning disc disappears. LATER CLARA pours a whisky for EMMA and one for herself before sitting down in that area beside the bar. EMMA: (sips and makes a face) Ugh! I'd rather have a nice cup of tea. CLARA: Me too. (stands and takes the glass from EMMA) Whisky's the 11th most disgusting thing ever invented. EMMA puts her head on her hand and sighs. INT. HOUSE, DARK ROOM, NIGHT While ALEC develops the new photos, the DOCTOR looks at the ones clipped to string criss-crossing the room. DOCTOR: I had a little peek at your records, back at the Ministry. You've certainly seen a thing or two in your time - disrupting U-Boat operations across the North Sea, sabotaging railway lines across Europe, Operation Gibbon, the one with the carrier pigeons - brilliant! I do love a carrier pigeon. ALEC: I did my duty but then so did thousands of others - MILLIONS of others... I was just luck enough to come back. The picture developing is of the DOCTOR with the ghost in the background. DOCTOR: Yes but, how does that man, that war hero end up here, in a lonely old house, looking for ghosts? ALEC: Because I killed... and I caused to have killed... I sent young men and women to their deaths... but here I am, still alive, and... it does tend to haunt you. Living, after so much of... the other thing. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT CLARA: So, you and Professor Palmer, have you ever... y'know? EMMA: No. CLARA: Why not? (picks up kettle) You do know how he feels about you, don't you? You of all people? EMMA: I don't know. People like me... sometimes, we get our signals mixed up. We think people are feeling the way we want them to feel... you know, when they are special to us. When, really, there's nothing there. CLARA: (hands EMMA cup) Oh, this is there. EMMA: How do you know? CLARA: Because it's obvious. It sticks out like a... big chin. INT. HOUSE, DARK ROOM, NIGHT ALEC: See, I was alone and unmarried and... I didn't mind dying. I mean, not for that cause. It was a very, very fine cause...defeating the enemy. DOCTOR: And if you could contact them, what would you say? ALEC: Well, I'd very much like to thank them. DOCTOR: Uh-huh. (takes photo from tray) Ping! (clips it up) ALEC: What do you think she is? DOCTOR: Not what I thought she'd be. ALEC: What did you think she'd be? DOCTOR: Fun. Can I borrow your camera? (ALEC hands it to him) Ta. (leaves) INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT EMMA: What about you... and the Doctor? CLARA: (sits with teacup) Oh, I don't think so. EMMA: Good. CLARA: Sorry? EMMA: Don't trust him... there's a sliver of ice in his heart. DOCTOR: (O.C.) Clara! EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CLARA run down the back of the steps in the rain. CLARA is huddled under her umbrella. They stop a few feet from the TARDIS. CLARA has her arm wrapped around the DOCTOR'S. CLARA: (whispers) I've got this weird feeling it's looking at me. It doesn't like me. DOCTOR: The TARDIS is like a cat - a bit slow to trust (runs to TARDIS) but you'll get there in the end. (goes inside) CLARA looks back at the house before running to the TARDIS and knocks on the door. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR hurries from the console to the door and opens it for CLARA. He heads back to the console. CLARA: (enters) Hey! (closes the door and looks around for a place to put the umbrella) You need a place to keep this. DOCTOR: I've got one. (points) Or I had one... I think I had one. (starts looking around) Look around, see if you find it. Did I have one? Am I going mad? (sees CLARA shaking the umbrella and takes it from her) No, not in here! How do you expect her to like you? She's SOAKING wet! It's a health and safety nightmare. (sets umbrella on chair and goes back to console) CLARA: (looks up at TARDIS ceiling and whispers) Sorry. The TARDIS seems to gurgle in response. CLARA: (goes to console) So... where we going? DOCTOR: Nowhere. We're staying right here. Right here, on this exact spot - if I can work out how to do it. CLARA: So, when are we going? DOCTOR: (laughs) Oh, that is good. That is top-notch. CLARA and the DOCTOR high-five. The DOCTOR walks away. CLARA: (leans against console) And the answer is...? DOCTOR: (stops and spins) We're going always. (goes down steps) CLARA: "We're going always." DOCTOR: TOTALLY! The DOCTOR reaches up for something out of CLARA'S view. CLARA: That's not actually a sentence. DOCTOR: (comes back with orange spacesuit) Well, it's got a verb in it. What do you think? (holds it up and spins) CLARA: Colour's a bit boisterous. DOCTOR: I think it brings out my eyes. CLARA: Makes my eyes hurt. The DOCTOR drops his arms, dejected by CLARA'S comment. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT The TARDIS dematerializes. INT. HOUSE, NIGHT ALEC and EMMA watch from a window. ALEC: Did you see where he went? I could hear an engine but I can't see any lights. There is a flash of lightning and behind them, in the next window, the ghost is reaching out to them. EXT. TARDIS The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS wearing the spacesuit. The surface of the planet is volcanic with a dark grey sky. He scans with the sonic before picking up the camera to take a few pictures. INT. TARDIS CLARA takes a step towards the door just as the DOCTOR bursts in, hands up. The door closes behind him. Steam rises from the suit. DOCTOR: Back off! Hot suit! Hot, hot, hot! (walks to console) CLARA: When are we? DOCTOR: About six billion years ago. It's a Tuesday, I think. (flips a lever) The DOCTOR and CLARA walk through a prehistoric jungle with large insects. The DOCTOR takes another photo. EXT. HOUSE, DAY It what appears to be the late Victoria era, the DOCTOR takes a photo of the back of the house. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR is wearing the spacesuit once more. DOCTOR: Back in a mo. (opens door and looks back at CLARA) Are you all right? CLARA: Totally. Peachy keen. DOCTOR: OK, then. Well, don't press any buttons or pull any levers, or make any funny faces. Actually, don't move. Stand completely still. Don't breathe. Well, you can breathe... but shallow breaths. CLARA gives him a thumbs-up which he returns before stepping outside. EXT. TARDIS The surface of the planet is rocky and dead. The sun is large and near its end. INT. TARDIS CLARA watches the DOCTOR on the monitor. EXT. TARDIS The DOCTOR takes a photograph. INT. TARDIS CLARA sighs as she watches the DOCTOR head back. The door closes and the DOCTOR removes the helmet as he walks to the console. CLARA is still looking at the monitor. DOCTOR: What's wrong? Did the TARDIS say something to you? (slaps the console) Are you being mean? CLARA: No, it's not that. Have we just watched the entire life cycle of the Earth? Birth to death? DOCTOR: Yes! CLARA: And you're OK with that? DOCTOR: Yes. CLARA: How can you be? DOCTOR: The TARDIS. She's... time. We... Wibbly vortex and so on. CLARA: That's not what I mean. DOCTOR: OK...some help? Context? Cheat sheet? Something? CLARA: I mean, one minute you're in 1974, looking for ghosts but all you have to do is open your eyes and talk to whoever's standing there. To you, I haven't been born yet... and to you, I've been dead 100 billion years. Is my body out there somewhere? In the ground? DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose it is. (walks away from console but stops when CLARA starts talking) CLARA: But here we are, talking. So I am a ghost. To you, I'm a ghost... we're all ghosts to you. We must be nothing. DOCTOR: (turns around) No... no... you're not that. (starts down the stairs) CLARA: (walks over) Then what are we? What can we possibly be? DOCTOR: (turns around) You are the only mystery worth solving. (leaves to change) EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT The TARDIS materializes in the same spot. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT In a flash of lightning, we see a creature. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT There is a slide projector set up and the DOCTOR hands ALEC the slides from the photographs he had taken. CLARA looks at the photos on the board. EMMA: (walks over) What's wrong? CLARA: I just saw something I wish I hadn't. EMMA: What did you see? CLARA: That... everything ends. EMMA: No, not everything. Not love... (looks over at ALEC) not always. DOCTOR: Right! Done! That's it, gather round, gather round. Roll up! Roll up! (uses sonic on projector) The Ghast of Caliburn House - never changing, trapped in a moment of fear and torment but what if she's not? What if she's just trapped somewhere time runs more slowly than it does here? What if a second to her was 100,000 years to us? And what if somebody has a magic box - a blue box, probably - what if said somebody could take a snapshot of her, say, every few million years? (the slides show the DOCTOR'S photos almost like stop-motion and reveal a young woman) She's not a ghost... but she's definitely a lost soul. (walks over to screen) Her name's Hila Tacorian. She's a pioneer, a time traveller - or at least she will be, in a few hundred years. ALEC: Time travel's not possible. The paradoxes... DOCTOR: Resolve themselves, by and large. EMMA: How long has she been alone? DOCTOR: Well, time travel's a funny old thing. I mean, from her perspective, she crash landed... (checks watch) three minutes ago. EMMA: Crash landed? Where? DOCTOR: She's in a pocket universe... a distorted echo of our own - they happen sometimes but never last for long. (blows up two balloons) Our universe (balloon in right hand) - Hila Tacorian's here, (balloon in left hand) in a pocket universe. You're a lantern, shining across the dimensions, guiding her home. Back to the land of the living. (brings balloons together then deflates them) CLARA: But what's she running from? DOCTOR: Well, that's the best bit. We don't know yet. Shall we see? The DOCTOR uses the sonic to change the slide. EMMA turns to look at her smile vanishes. ALEC lowers his glasses and peers over them. CLARA and the DOCTOR look stunned. On the slide is the creature we have been catching glimpses of in the hallways. DOCTOR: Oh. CLARA: What is that? DOCTOR: (quietly) I don't know. (normal) Still! (claps hands) Not to worry! EMMA: So, what do we do? DOCTOR: Not "we", you... (goes to EMMA) you save Hila Tacorian because you're Emma Grayling. You are the lantern - the rest of us are just along for the ride, I'm afraid. We need some sturdy rope and a blue crystal from Metebelis Three. Plus, some Kendal Mint Cake. (leaves) EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CLARA run to the TARDIS and step inside. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT ALEC: (paces) Don't do it. EMMA: I'm sorry? ALEC: Nobody asked her to risk her life. This woman. She doesn't deserve... Whoever she is - however brilliant, however brave, she's not you. She's not worth risking a single hair on your head. Not to me! (he can't look at EMMA) EMMA: Tell me what I'm thinking. ALEC: I can't. I don't have your gift. EMMA: (steps closer) You don't need it... just look at me and tell me. ALEC looks up and EMMA smiles at him. He smiles back. EMMA: There you are, you read my mind. INT. TARDIS CLARA is up on the console level while the DOCTOR is working underneath. CLARA: Can't you just... y'know? DOCTOR: What? CLARA: Fly the TARDIS into the parallel universe? (sits with legs over the side) DOCTOR: Ah, it's not a parallel universe. It's a POCKET universe. Plus, it is collapsing. (puts crystal in pocket and walks over to CLARA) I mean, the TARDIS could get in there, all right, but entropy would bleed her power sources, you see? Trap her there until the entire universe decayed back into the quantum foam. Which would take about three minutes, give or take, you know. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT Bundled wires snake from the TARDIS to the house. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT The wires go from the door through to the music room. They are hooked to a tripod on top of which is the large object the DOCTOR slipped into his pocket from the TARDIS. CLARA: (reaches out o touch) What is that? DOCTOR: (slaps her hand away) A subset of the Eye of Harmony. CLARA: I don't... DOCTOR: Of course you don't. Be weird if you did, I barely do myself. (to EMMA) Right, you, sit down. (puts a wire "crown" over her head, in the middle of which is a blue crystal) All the way... from Metebelis Three. Around the perimeter of the room are a variety of clocks resting either on boxes or piles of books on chairs. EMMA: What does it do? DOCTOR: (uses the sonic on the clocks) It amplifies your natural abilities - like a microphone. Or a pooper-scooper! The clocks start ticking. ALEC: What exactly is this arrangement? DOCTOR: A psychochronograph. CLARA helps the DOCTOR into a harness. ALEC: Forgive me, but isn't it all a bit, well... make-do and mend? DOCTOR: Non-psychic technology won't work where I'm going. (buckles harness) All I need to do is dive into another dimension, find the traveller, help her escape the monster, get home before the entire dimension collapses and Bob's your uncle. EMMA: Doctor? Will it hurt? DOCTOR: (bends over) No. (straightens) Well, yes. Probably. A bit. Well, quite a lot. I don't know. It might be agony. To be perfectly honest, I'll be interested to find out. The clocks continue ticking. EMMA looks over at ALEC who nods. EMMA looks back at the DOCTOR and takes a few deep breaths. EMMA: (closes eyes) I'm talking to the lost soul that abides in this place. I'm speaking to Hila Tacorian. The DOCTOR slowly picks up the end of the rope on the winch. Some clocks begin to go backwards while others speed forwards. EMMA breaths deeply before opening her eyes and looking straight ahead. There is an electronic whizzing and she gasps. At the other side of the room, the spinning disc has reappeared. The glass shatters and there is a bright light and high wind. DOCTOR: (turns his head to ALEC and CLARA) See? The Witch of the Well! It's a wormhole! (hooks rope to harness) A reality well! A door to the echo universe! (to EMMA) Ready? EMMA: READY! The DOCTOR turns around, looks at the wormhole, cracks his neck and shrugs. DOCTOR: Geronimo. The DOCTOR runs and jumps into the wormhole. DOCTOR: Wah... CLARA, ALEC and EMMA can only watch. INT. WORMHOLE The DOCTOR clings to the rope as he travels/falls through the wormhole. DOCTOR: Whoa... INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT The winch spins as the rope is pulled. CLARA: Doctor! ALEC holds CLARA back. EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR lands. DOCTOR: Whoa! He unbuckles the harness and takes it off, letting it drop to the ground. He then runs off to look for Hila. He skids to a stop at the literal edge of the universe. It looks light a giant floating island in a sea of stars. The wind howls around. The DOCTOR runs back into the woods. DOCTOR: Hila! Hila! Hila Tacorian! The DOCTOR comes to a sudden stop, aware that something else is there with him. There is a whooshing sound. The DOCTOR takes a couple of small steps as he hears a scampering sound. He walks slowly, looking about, trying to find the source. DOCTOR: One... two... (closes eyes) three! (turns around quickly) HILA: (O.C.) Help me! Help! The DOCTOR runs and almost runs into HILA as she runs out of the fog. DOCTOR: Ah! Hila Tacorian, I presume. (grabs her hand and starts to run) HILA: (refuses to move) Who are you? DOCTOR: (comes back) Collapsing universe. You and me, dead, two minutes. No time, complete sentences - abandon planet! (starts off) HILA: Wait! There's something in the mist. DOCTOR: Then run! Run! The two run. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT EMMA watches the wormhole. EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR and HILA keep running. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT EMMA watches the wormhole. EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR and HILA keep running. EMMA: (V.O.) Doctor, Doctor! Come home. Doctor, come home! DOCTOR: Not that way. Which means... probably... They turn back and keep running. HILA: What's wrong? DOCTOR: You know that exit I mentioned? HILA: Yes? DOCTOR: I seem to have misplaced it. They come to a stop as they hear scampering sounds. They back up against each other and turn, frightened. The DOCTOR puts his hands up to calm HILA. He looks around. EMMA: (V.O.) Doctor! DOCTOR: This way! INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT EMMA reaches a hand out towards the wormhole. ALEC still holds CLARA. EMMA: DOCTOR... come home! EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE Something starts to appear in the mist ahead of them. EMMA: (V.O.) Doctor, we're here! DOCTOR: Whoa! The DOCTOR holds up a hand and they both stop. Ahead of them is Caliburn House. HILA: What's that? DOCTOR: An echo house, in an echo universe. Clever psychic, that is just top-notch. The DOCTOR and HILA run for the house. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT EMMA reaches a hand out towards the wormhole. ALEC still holds CLARA. EMMA: Doctor! EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR and HILA keep running. As they get closer, we see the creature is following them. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT EMMA: Doctor! INT. HOUSE, FRONT HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR and HILA enter the house and slam the doors shut behind them. The DOCTOR locks them. Growling and snarling come from the other side. The DOCTOR puts his ear against the door. DOCTOR: It's looking for a way in. The beast rams the door on the other side causing the DOCTOR to jump back. He and HILA run for the music room. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT EMMA: I'm not strong enough! CLARA: Just a few more seconds! EMMA screams. INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE DOCTOR: Grab the rope, give it three tugs! Quick as you like! HILA: (puts on harness) What about you? DOCTOR: I'll be next. (takes off tie) HILA tugs the rope as directed. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT ALEC and CLARA see the rope on the winch move. ALEC begins to crank the rope. CLARA keeps her eye on the wormhole, watching for the DOCTOR. INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE HILA is pulled into the wormhole. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT ALEC continues to work the winch. HILA falls into the room with a cry. INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR uses his tie on the door to keep it closed. INT. HOUSE, HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE The creature makes its way to the door. INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR turns to head for the wormhole when he hears a familiar thudding as the creature bangs against the door. DOCTOR: Ah! Oh, that's what that noise was! Lovely. The DOCTOR continues towards the portal. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT With a gasp, EMMA falls from the chair to her knees. ALEC runs over to her. INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE The portal dims. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT CLARA: No! ALEC cradles EMMA. INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE The portal disappears. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT CLARA runs to the spot where the wormhole was. INT. HOUSE, STATUARY HALL, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR turns around slowly, knowing the creature is on the other side of the door. He takes one step... EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE ...and finds himself alone in the woods. The house is gone. He hears the whooshing of the creature and looks around nervously. He kneels down and carefully picks up his bow tie without taking his eyes off the trees. DOCTOR: Oh, dear. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT The TARDIS stands, solitary, outside. The cloister bell tolls. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT CLARA whips her head around. EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR slowly stands. DOCTOR: Oh... dear. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT The cloister bell continues to toll. EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR hears the whooshing and looks around. DOCTOR: Where are you? The DOCTOR hears the creature and runs. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT The cloister bell tolls. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT CLARA looks back to EMMA and ALEC. CLARA: Wake up! (rushes over) WAKE UP! (kneels beside EMMA) Open the thing! EMMA: (sobs into ALEC'S chest) I'm sorry. ALEC: Don't be sorry. Don't be. What you did... (strokes EMMA'S hair) CLARA: Wasn't enough, she needs to do it again. ALEC: She can't. Look at her. CLARA: She HAS to! CLARA stares at ALEC, who in turns looks at the tired EMMA. No one does anything. CLARA: (stands) We can't leave him. (runs from the room) ALEC: (holds EMMA'S head between his hands) I know you feel that you can't do this, Emma, but... look at that woman over there. (looks over at HILA) You saved her. She's only here because of your strength and so am I. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT CLARA runs out to the TARDIS and pulls on the handles to open. CLARA: Oh, come ON! Let me in, you grumpy old cow! There is an electronic buzzing and CLARA turns around to see a copy of herself standing there. CLARA: Whoa! INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT ALEC: I was as lost as her... but being with you... you give me a reason to be, Emma. You brought me back from the dead. ALEC helps EMMA stand. HILA stands as well. EMMA put the "crown" back on. The three of them then join hands. EMMA closes her eyes. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT CLARA: What's this now? The image of CLARA flickers. It is a projection. TARDIS: The TARDIS Voice Visual Interface. I'm programmed to select the image of a person you esteem. Of several billion such images in my databanks, this one best meets the criterion. CLARA: Oh, you are a cow. I knew it! Whatever. You have to help the Doctor. TARDIS: The Doctor is in the pocket universe. CLARA: You can enter the pocket universe. TARDIS: The entropy would drain the energy from my heart. In four seconds, I'd be stranded. In ten, I'd be dead. CLARA: You're talking but all I hear is, "Meh, meh, meh." Come on, let's go! (the projection disappears and she turns to the TARDIS and pounds on the door) Hey, hey, hey! INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT The trio stands, hands held. The crystal in the "crown" glows. EMMA: Doctor? The disc appears and spins. EMMA: Can you hear me? DOCTOR?! EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT CLARA pulls on the door handles of the TARDIS. CLARA: Oh, come ON! The door opens and CLARA smiles before hurrying inside. INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT The portal opens. EMMA: Doctor? Can you hear me? EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR runs and stops, getting his bearings, before continuing on. INT. VORTEX The TARDIS spins through the vortex. INT. TARDIS CLARA holds on for dear life as the TARDIS tumbles. CLARA: Ah! Whoa! WAH! INT. HOUSE, PARLOUR, NIGHT EMMA: Doctor... EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE EMMA: (V.O.) Doctor, we're here. Come home! The house appears again and the DOCTOR heads for it. DOCTOR: Emma? The DOCTOR stops when he hears the whooshing and snarling. He spins around nervously. DOCTOR: What do you want? To frighten me, I suppose, eh? Because that's what you do. You hide... There is an eerie laughing. DOCTOR: You're the bogeyman under the bed. Seeking whom you may devour. Ah! Ah. You want me to be afraid? Then well done. There is a rattling and we see the creature come out from behind a tree. DOCTOR: I am the Doctor... and I am afraid! INT. VORTEX The TARDIS spins through the vortex. CLARA: (V.O.) 'Wah!' INT. TARDIS CLARA clings to the console. CLARA: Oh, oh! Whoa! INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT EMMA: Doctor... hurry! EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR looks around warily. We see the creature behind the DOCTOR, but it's gone when he turns around. The creature laughs. DOCTOR: So why am I still here, huh? Why not just... eat me? Huh? Come on. Because you still need me! Yeah, you need me to piggyback you across. (laughs) To which I say... come on then, big boy... chase me. The DOCTOR runs and the creature chases him. He makes for the edge but the beasts tackles him, knocking him to the ground. DOCTOR: Ah! On his back, the DOCTOR gets his first view of the beast. It looks like it's made of melted wax. It stands over his legs. At that moment, the TARDIS arrives in the sky. CLARA: (V.O.) Woo-hoo! Woo! The DOCTOR laughs as the TARDIS passes over them, knocking the creature backwards allowing the DOCTOR to get up. INT. TARDIS CLARA clings to the console. CLARA: Woo-hoo! EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The TARDIS swings back. CLARA: (V.O.) Woo! The DOCTOR runs towards the TARDIS and grabs hold as it passes. INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, DAY EMMA screams in agony as she falls to her knees. The TARDIS materializes and the DOCTOR leans against it, panting. In front of it, EMMA gasps, HILA and ALEC on either side of her. The DOCTOR comes around from the side just as CLARA opens the door. They exchange a weak high-five. He sees EMMA and hurries over. The DOCTOR puts a hand on EMMA to see that she's OK. He straightens and looks outside the window and the sunlight streams in. He smiles. EXT. HOUSE, DAY The sun is shining brightly after a dismal night of rain. Birds are singing. INT. HOUSE, FRONT HALL, DAY CLARA is walking towards the front door, the DOCTOR following. EMMA comes up behind the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR leans against the door, arms crossed, and looks outside at ALEC, HILA and CLARA. EMMA: You wanted a word? DOCTOR: Well, if that's... EMMA: That's fine. The DOCTOR uncrosses his arms, turns around and looks at EMMA. EMMA: You didn't come here for the ghost, did you? DOCTOR: No. EMMA: You came here for me. DOCTOR: Yes. EMMA: Why? DOCTOR: I needed to ask you something. EMMA: Then ask. DOCTOR: Clara... EMMA: Yes? DOCTOR: (walks over to EMMA) What is she? EMMA: She's a girl. DOCTOR: Yes, but what kind of girl? Specifically. EMMA: She's a perfectly ordinary girl. Very pretty... DOCTOR: Hmm. EMMA: ..very clever... DOCTOR: (turns away) Hmm. EMMA: More scared than she lets on. DOCTOR: (stops at doorway) And that's it, is it? EMMA: Why? Is that not enough? EXT. HOUSE, DAY ALEC stands outside the TARDIS, resting a hand on the door. The DOCTOR approaches with HILA and EMMA. EMMA hugs HILA and the DOCTOR hugs them both. CLARA pushes away from the column she had been leaning against. EMMA: Where will you go? HILA: He can't take me home. History says I went missing. EMMA: But he can change history. DOCTOR: No, no, no, I can't, actually. There are fixed points in time you see... CLARA: (comes over) Hi. DOCTOR: What? CLARA pulls the DOCTOR away. HILA: I knew you were there... I could feel you. EMMA: I know... The DOCTOR takes a step forward but CLARA holds him back. HILA: Have we...? EMMA: We can't have. You haven't even been born yet. DOCTOR: (pulls away from CLARA) No, you can't have met but she can be your great- great-great-great-great-granddaughter. (ALEC joins them) Yours too, of course! But you'd guessed that already, hadn't you? Oh... apparently not. ALEC: The paradoxes... DOCTOR: Resolve themselves, by and large. That's why the psychic link was so powerful - blood calling to blood. Out of time. Not everything ends, eh? (slaps ALEC on the arm as he walks to the TARDIS) Not love. Not always. ALEC: (follows DOCTOR) Doctor, what about, what about... us? Emma and me? DOCTOR: What about you? ALEC: Well, what's supposed to happen? I mean, what do we do now? EMMA comes to stand beside ALEC. DOCTOR: Hold hands... that's what you're meant to do. Keep doing that and don't let go. That's the secret. The DOCTOR claps his hands and heads for the TARDIS. As he does, he remembers when he and CLARA were looking for the ghost. CLARA: (V.O.) Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK MONTAGE INT. HOUSE, MUSIC ROOM, NIGHT CLARA: I'm not happy. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT As the DOCTOR and CLARA leave a particular hall, there is a snarling and scraping sound and a part of something can be seen in the shadows. EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE DOCTOR: Yeah, you need me to piggyback you across. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT DOCTOR: I'm not holding your hand. INT. HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT They slowly look behind them, and, in a flash of lightning, see the outline of *something*. They scream and run. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSE, DAY DOCTOR: (smacks forehead) I'm so... slow! (turns around) I am slow, I'm notorious for it, that's always been my problem, but I get there in the end. Oh, yes. CLARA: Doctor? DOCTOR: How do sharks make babies? CLARA: Carefully? DOCTOR: No, no, no - happily! CLARA: Sharks don't actually smile. They're just... Well, they've got lots and lots of teeth - they're quite eaty. DOCTOR: Exactly! But birds do it, bees do it - even educated FLEAS do it. Every lonely monster needs a companion. The DOCTOR runs to where he can see into the house. CLARA: (follows) There's two of them?! In the window can be seen one of the creatures. DOCTOR: It's the oldest story in the universe - this one, or any other. Boy and girl fall in love, get separated by events - war, politics, accidents in time. She's thrown out of the HEX, (puts his arm around CLARA'S shoulders) or he's thrown into it. Since then they've been yearning for each other across time and space - across dimensions - this isn't a ghost story, it's a... love story! (looks at CLARA, realizes what he's done and removes his arm) Sorry. (runs back to the others) Excuse me! Excuse me! Sorry to interrupt the rest of your life. (to EMMA) So... tiny favour to ask... EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The DOCTOR lands and takes off the harness. He runs through the woods. DOCTOR: I'm sorry! I understand now! I can take you to her! I can take you to a safe place far away from here! You can be together! Well, come on then! She's WAITING! The DOCTOR hears the snarling and turns around with a smile. The creature has a long twisted neck and the face is somewhat distorted, almost like it's decomposing. DOCTOR: Well, hello again, you old Romeo, you! (hears the TARDIS) Now... here she comes. INT. VORTEX The TARDIS spins through the vortex. CLARA: (V.O.) Ha-ha! Woo! INT. TARDIS CLARA clings to the console. CLARA: Ah! EXT. WOODS, POCKET UNIVERSE The TARDIS come spinning through the sky. CLARA: (V.O.) 'Woo!' DOCTOR: Get ready to jump.
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[The Kerwin House - Ashley's Room] (While getting ready for school, she's talking to her friend Terri on the phone.) Ashley: This is gonna be the best year ever! (Working on her poster for Degrassi student council president.) The first thing we need to do to, Terri, we need to get you a boyfriend. It'll happen. Trust me. Uh, Terri, I am not a shoe in (as she leaves the room, we see her poster which says "Ashley Kerwin Your Choice For Degrassi Prez" with her picture in the center) We won't even know if I'm president till the final vote is counted (closes her door.) Yeah, I just need to have a shower and get dressed. Oh, no, not again. Ter, I've gotta go. All right, I'll see you at school. Bye (hangs up with Terri) (Knocks on the bathroom door- goes back and forth a minute between showing Toby in the bathroom and her outside the door) Toby, out. Toby: How do you know it's me? It could be your mom, could be my dad. Ashley: They have their own bathroom. Toby: Then, go use it. I just got here. Ashley: Toby, come on, be reasonable. I have to get to school to put up my election posters. Toby: Aren't you the only one running? (Opens the cabinet and sees Ashley's bra hanging in the shower) Ashley: Toby, remember what Dr. Fried said? "A generous attitude makes for a generous family." Now, get out the bathroom, now! Toby, what will it take you to open that door? Toby: Just say "please". Ashley: Please. Toby: (while fixing his hair) Now say "Toby Isaacs is the coolest kid at Degrassi. Way, way cooler than any stupid grade 8 could ever hope to be." Ashley: Toby, I have to get something? Toby: Get what? Your hairbrush? Your eyeliner? Your (opens the door with her bra on) training bra? Ashley: Mom! Theme song. [Degrassi] Toby: I mean, I hadn't even spit out my toothpaste and she wanted in. JT: Maybe you should explain to Ashley that bathroom time is private time. Toby: She'd probably go and cry to her mommy. JT: Really? Toby: She has no sense of humor and she's a neat-o-holic. Yesterday, I left my gym socks on the couch, she freaked. JT: Your gym socks can reek something fierce. Toby: Just 'cause me and dad move in to their house, Ashley treats me like... JT: Dirt? Gum stuck on her shoe? Toby: All of the above. So, ready for Day 1 of the rest of our junior high lives? JT: What do you think? [Inside Degrassi] (Terri is helping Ashley put up her posters.) Ashley: Dr. Fried says we need to work together and become more like siblings. Terri: You fight all the time, you can't stand the sight of each other, you're already acting like siblings. Ashley: I mean I don't mind his dad Jeff, and I'm glad my mom's happy, but Toby, he's everywhere. He's like a little mosquito that keeps buzzing in your ear. Terri: Hey, Ash, maybe when you're president, you can get him expelled. Ashley: Yeah, from my life. (A blond girl named Paige comes up to them. She's wearing a red shirt that says "Hottie", blue capris, and sunglasses) Paige: Hey, guys. Haven't seen you all summer. How are you doing? (As she talks, the camera moves up from her feet to her face) Terri: Paige? Paige: New year, new look, new Paige (a guy stares at her and hits a locker.) You're putting up your campaign posters already? Ashley: The election's on Friday. Paige: Wow, you'd rather on the issues than your appearance. That's so...admirable. Paige walks away. [Another part of Degrassi] (Emma and Manny are coming into school.) Emma: Manny, there's nothing to be afraid of. Manny: Nothing but the grade 8's. Emma: They're only a year older than us. Manny: Yeah, a whole year to think of ways to make us suffer. (Emma drops some papers. As she goes to pick them up, Spinner and Jimmy approach them. Spinner steps on the papers.) Spinner: Hall pass. Emma: What? Spinner: You're not allowed on school property without a hall pass. Emma: But, we didn't get one. Spinner: Then you'll both have to leave. Manny: But, we can't. It's the first day of school. Spinner: (To Jimmy) Grade 7's are such geeks. (Spinner and Jimmy leave. Emma picks up her papers.) [Outside a room] (Toby and JT walk up to the room that's homeroom, but the door's locked.) Toby: (To Emma and Manny) Hey, guys. Emma: Hey. Manny: Hi. That's our homeroom? Emma: Cool. (The bell rings. Mr. Simpson comes to the door and un-locks it.) Mr. S: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Hey, Em. Okay, here we go. (As the kids enter the room and sit down) All right, just choose your own seats for the time being. Okay, welcome to Degrassi Community School. I'm Mr. Simpson, I'm your homeroom and Media Immersion teacher. And I gotta say you guys really lucked out, I mean it. This is by far the coolest homeroom in the entire school. First order of business: These are the code of conduct forms (passing them out to everyone), concerning the computers, and the internet, all right? I wanna get these out of the way before we get to know one another (takes JT's hat off his head). [Ms. Kwan's homeroom (grade 8 with Ashley, Paige, Spinner, etc)] Ms. Kwan: Some of you I know already and a few of you are new faces altogether. Welcome. Gavin Reginald Mason. Spinner: Um, I prefer Spinner. Ms. Kwan: This year will I have to give you, what was it, another 14 detentions? Spinner: Not if you don't want to. Ms. Kwan: Learning and good grades are all important here at Degrassi, but so is getting involved in the school. Paige: (raises her hand) That's why I'm starting a spirit squad this year Ms. Kwan. We so need one. Ms. Kwan: Great, Paige. That's so industrious of you. And speaking of industrious, Ashley? Ashley: Yes? Ms. Kwan: The first day of school and you already have a professional campaign under way? Excellent start. Ashley: Thank you [Hallway] (Starts with a close-up of Ashley's poster.) P.A.: Students are reminded that 3:15 today is the deadline for student council nominations. (Emma and her friends are walking.) Emma: See, Manny, this isn't so bad, isn't it? Manny: As long as we don't run into that jerk again. (They stop in front of Ashley's poster.) Emma: Is that your step-sister? Toby: She's not my step-sister. We just to be stuck in a forced living arrangement. Manny: Well, I think she's pretty. Toby: Ashley hates I live in her house and she hates that I go to her school. Which she's obviously never heard of democracy. Emma: What are you talking about? Toby: This election. No one's even running against her. She's a shoe-in. Emma: Why don't you run? Toby: Because it would provoke a rupture in our fragile family dynamic. It's family counseling speak for "my dad would kill me". Manny: So? Get someone else to run. JT: Yeah, right. Who'd wanna run for student council? The whole thing's a joke. Toby: Did u say joke? JT: No way, Toby. I am not going a joke campaign. Toby: Come on, JT. It's the perfect way to stick it to Ashley. JT: But this is my first day at Degrassi. Toby: Exactly. You're in the same boat as a large percentage of the student body. Which is why they'll love you. Come on, JT, this is your once of a lifetime opportunity. JT: For you to stick it to Ashley. Toby: No, for you to practice your stand-up material on a large perceptive audience. JT: Keep talking. Toby: You want to be famous, right? This is instant fame. Just think: assembly the whole school hanging on your every word. JT: And you'll do all the work? (Toby nods.) JT: Deal. Here we are right here. What if I win? Toby: Trust me. You don't stand a chance. [Hallway] Ashley: The poster's a little low on the left. Just bring it. Liberty: Ashley Kerwin. We haven't met. I'm Liberty Van Zandt and I'm running for secretary. We're gonna be a great team. Just think. I'd like to discuss a few ideas so our policies will be in sync. First, I think we should tackle a lack of the school newspaper. Ashley: Why don't we wait until after the election? Liberty: Great. Um, your poster's a little high on the left. (She leaves. Jimmy comes up to Ashley and puts his arm around her (which means they're boyfriend/girlfriend)) Jimmy: What was that all about? (They walk away.) [Classroom] (Toby is making copies of something- we see it says JT's name on it, which means it must be posters.) Mr. S: You do know it's 10 cents a copy? (Toby tries to make them stop.) [Hallway] (Toby's putting up JT's posters.) Ashley: I'm gonna make so many changes at this school, Terri. And not just superficial stuff. I want the students to feel heard. (They stop when they JT's posters.) Terri: Uh, Ash.... Ashley: What is that? Toby: Oh, a poster without your picture on it. Ashley: JT Yorke. That annoying little friend of yours? Toby: What's wrong Ashley? Afraid of a little competition? Ashley: You are so wasting your time. School president is always in 8th grade. Toby: Well, uh, this year that's going to change. (Ashley and Terri walk past Toby.) Toby: 'Bye, Ashley. [Hallway] (Someone comes to JT with a camera.) Boy: Hey, JT. Why do you wanna run for president? JT: Why do I wanna run for president? Uh, that's a good question. Toby: In one word people: democracy. The backbone of our fine nation. JT: Hear, hear! Toby: He is, people, our great alternative. In a world dominated by cruel selfish 8th graders, JT is our last shining hope. JT: I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you, Degrassi. [Outside] Liberty: A grade 7 running for president? I wouldn't be caught dead voting for him. Besides, I think Ashley and I, Liberty Van Zandt, will make an excellent team. [Another part of school] JT: If elected, I, JT Yorke, will do what a real politician would do: absolutely nothing. And, like a true politician, I will accept bribes. (Ashley and Terri are watching.) Ashley: People are actually paying attention to him? Terri: He's pretty funny. If you like total amateur humor. You're not actually worried are you? Ashley: No. JT: I, JT Yorke: Unknown, unremarkable... [Hallway] (Someone with a camera is talking to Emma.) Emma: Personally, I think it's great. Grade 7's have just as much right to run for school president as anyone. I'm voting for JT. [Outside] Ashley: Greater representation the school boards. Terri: (passing out fliers) And up-to-date recycling programs. Ashley: I'll even get us a night dance. All it costs is a vote. [JT's speech to students.] JT: What about the staff washrooms? (It shows Ashley watching) I'll bet you any money that they have softer toilet paper. If you elect me, I'll those staff washrooms, our washrooms. So vote for JT. You'll do the right thing. I know you will. (To Toby) It's working. Toby: (sees Ashley watching) I know. JT: Vote for JT. It'll do you good. You'll love me. Nice to meet you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Kerwin House: Kitchen] Ashley: Toby Issacs, you shrimp, who are you doing this to me? Toby: I'm not doing anything. JT's running for president and I'm just helping him out. Ashley: JT doesn't care about the school. Toby: How do you know? Guess what: Degrassi doesn't revolve around you. Anyone can run. Ashley: The guy is an idiot! And he doesn't know anything because he just got there Ashley's mom, Kate, walks in. Kate: Ashley, What's the problem? Ashley: Great. Take his side again. Don't even try to figure out what we're talking about. I mean, I put all my effort into this race... Toby: There was no race. Now there is. Kate: Toby, are you running against Ashley? Ashley: No, his friend, JT, is. Toby: I'm helping my best friend run his campaign. What's wrong with that? Ashley: What's wrong is he's only doing it to bug me. Kate: Come on, Ashley, I'm sure he's not. Ashley: But Mom.... Kate: Toby has every right to help run his best friend's campaign. [The Next Day- Kerwin Bathroom] (Ashley, in curlers, knocks on the door.) Toby: Today's the big day. Written your defeat speech yet? Ashley: JT is not going to win. Toby: You wish. Just think: you're about to lose to a 7th grader. (Ashley goes in the bathroom.) [Degrassi Hallway] (Someone is taping Paige.) Paige: Hi. My name's Paige + of course Ashley's going to win today. Sure, some students may resent her for being perfect, but, Ashley always get what she wants, so why would today be any different? Actually, I'll tell why today is different. See, I just got these brand new glasses and I think they look rather nice with my outfit, don't you? Oh, and my belt. Please get a close-up of the belt. Thanks. And my new purse so everyone can see all that I own. What do I have in here? This, this isn't mine. (The cameraman starts to walk away.) Paige: (O.S.) Hello! I'm not done here! [Computer room] (Toby and JT are on it, checking polls for president.) Toby: Look at this! You've got as much support as Ashley! JT: It's just some stupid poll. Toby: This is before your speech (show a close-up of the poll: Ashley- 48%, JT- 52%). Forget Ashley. You're on the verge of making Degrassi history! Am I the only one excited here? JT: I thought the plan was to make her sweat. Toby: Exactly! The closer you come to beating her, the sweater she gets. JT: Yeah, well, I'm getting pretty sweaty too. Because if I win this thing, I'll have to do a lot of work. [Another part of school] (Someone is taping Liberty.) Liberty: It would be tragic if Ashley lost today. But if she did, and if I, Liberty Van Zandt, am elected as secretary, I would work closely with JT to ensure excellent standards of student government. [Hall] (JT closes his locker and starts to head to class when Spinner and Jimmy grab him.) JT: Uh, hi. Spinner: You're coming with us. JT: What? What did I do? I'm going to be late for class, you're going to be late for class. That's a lot of lateness. Do you want to get a dentition? I know I don't. What did I do? [A classroom] Ashley is in there waiting. JT: Is this about the election? If I promise you something you got a problem with, just tell me and I'll change it. Really, I will (They drop him on the floor.) Ashley: Thanks. That's all for now. (They leave. JT gets up.) JT: What's going on? Ashley: Here's the deal: you quit the race for school president and I give you 50 bucks. JT: 50 bucks? Ashley: 5-0. Okay, 60. JT: You see, I'd jump at that but I've got this older brother. He just lost the race for school president. Ashley: 65. JT: My parents were shattered. They had to go on Prozac. I can't put them through that again. Ashley: 80 bucks and that's my final offer. JT: 80's good. Ashley: Glad to hear it. But for that amount, I want a show. I want you to quit in front of the whole school. JT: At assembly? Cool. I still get to say my speech. Ashley: Half now, the rest after. (Gives him the money) JT: It was a pleasure doing business with you, Ms. President. (Puts out his hand but she doesn't shake it) I'll go now. (He grabs his bag and leaves.) [Hall] Manny: Once the election's over, I head straight home. Emma: And avoid Spinner. (Spinner comes up behind them and hits Manny with a spitball.) Manny: Ow. (Holds her neck and starts to cry.) Emma: Oh, great. Now look what you've done. Spinner: I was just kidding around. Terri: Wow that's so cool, Spinner. Making a grade 7 girl cry. Spinner: Look, I didn't mean to make her cry. Emma: Well, you did. Congratulations. (Spinner walks away.) Emma: It's ok, Manny. He's gone. Manny: I knew it would work. Always does on my brother. (They walk away.) [Hall] (Toby catches up to JT.) Toby: She bribed you? JT: She paid me. Toby: It's wrong. JT: Wrong? What about this campaign? Toby: What about it? JT: We did this just to get back at your step-sister. Toby: She's not my step-sister! P.A.: Would all candidates please report to the stage? JT: Look, if it makes you feel any better, we'll split it. 50/50. Toby: I don't want her blood money. It's just helping Ashley get exactly what she wants...again. [Assembly] (Liberty is finishing her speech.) Liberty: And in conclusion, I promise that if elected, I, Liberty Van Zandt, will fulfill my responsibilities as student council secretary with enthusiasm and even more enthusiasm. Thank you. (Applause as she sits) (Mr. Raditch comes to the mike.) Mr. R: Thank you very much, Liberty, for that enthusiasm. Next up, our two candidates for school president. Each will have 3 minutes to deliver their speeches and we will begin with, JT Yorke. (Applause) (JT goes to the mike.) JT: Ladies and gentleman, it's a long year. You gotta vote for me. You need something to laugh at. Now if I could just say a few words about my presidential platform, this speech would be a whole lot shorter. But, seriously, if there's one thing I've learned in my zero years of political experience, well, it's nothing. Toby: Ashley! (She ignores him) Ashley! (She gets up and goes out the door.) Ashley: What? Toby: You bribed JT. Ashley: No I didn't. Toby: Yes you did. I saw the money. It's corruption. Ashley: Oh, how thrilling. You learned a new word. Toby: Oh you want thrilling? Wait'll I go up on stage and tell everyone what you did. Ashley: But, JT took the money. Toby: No, he excepted it as evidence. Ashley: You wouldn't. Toby: Oh, I will. I'm heading up there and telling everyone what a fraud Ashley Kerwin is. Ashley: Fine. My life's a disaster anyway. It might as well get worse. Toby: Your life's a disaster? Ashley: I want my mom to be happy and I've tired to be nice, but the moment you moved in, everything become all about you. Toby: About me? Do you have any idea what's it like living in your house? Ashley: Please! My mom dotes on you. She doesn't care what I feel, as long as you're happy. Toby: What? Ashley: And now I can't get away from you. You're everywhere: at home, at school, even in my campaign. Toby: That's not true... Ashley: I wanted just one thing that you couldn't take away from me. But you found a way. Please. Before you go up there and publicly humiliate me, just listen to my speech. Then decided if you don't think I deserve to be President. [Inside Assembly] JT: She's got the looks, she's got the brains, she's got the brains, she's got everything. Don't pity her; pity me. Thank you. Oh, and by the way, I quit the race for school prez. Vote Ashley. (Sits down) Mr. R: Well that's rather interesting. JT, you sure? (He nods) Well, I still think we'd like to hear what Ashley has to say. Ashley? Ashley? (To JT.) We'll talk later. [Outside Door] Ashley: Please. Mr. R (O.S.): Ashley? [Kerwin House - Outside] Ashley: No way! Jimmy: Yeah, whatever, I'm not lying. Ashley: Yeah, right. Well, thanks, uh, and I'll see you tomorrow. (They hug) Jimmy: Congratulations, Ms. President. (Jimmy leaves. Ashley walks over to Toby, who is sitting at a table.) Ashley: So, is this what defeat looks like or just guilt? Toby: Congratulations, Ashley. Ashley: Yeah, whatever. Toby: I mean it. Congratulations. You deserved to win. Ashley: Ok, what have you done with the real Toby Isaacs? Toby: it's not my fault JT's in trouble for riding the joke campaign. I should've never put him up to it. Ashley: You're right. You shouldn't have. Toby: Ash, I'm trying to apologize here. I knew it would drive you crazy. I just couldn't stop myself. Ashley: You hate me that much? Toby: Sometimes. Ashley: I gotta admit sometimes I feel the same way about you. The fact is Toby, we have to live with each other in the same house and that sucks, right? Toby: You can say that again. Ashley: But does it have to such this much? Toby: Maybe not. Ashley: Maybe not. Are we bonding here? Toby: Bonding? Us? Ashley: Well, the first time in a month, I don't wanna rip your eyes out. Toby: Wow, Dr. Fried would be so proud.
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MUSIC IN: EXT. HOUSE - DAY JODY: It's a great neighborhood. Very quiet, very private. It has an oversized backyard. That's a big plus. The whole house has been newly renovated. There are upgrades all over the place. Stainless appliances, air-purification system. Total move-in condition. The furniture is rented, but if you like it, I can have the company make you a deal. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS) JODY: Amy, you are going to love the kitchen, but first I'm going to show you guys the living room. It has a wall-mounted flat screen and a gas log fireplace. You won't believe how easy this is. One push of a button. Isn't that cozy? (SFX: FIRE LIGHTS) (SFX: JODY GASPS/ SCREAMS) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Make sure you capture the back of his head, too, if you would be so kind. MCGEE: You got it. JIMMY: Sorry! MCGEE: (OVERLAP) Sorry! DUCKY: There's no rush, gentlemen. Our patient isn't going anywhere. MCGEE: Well, Ducky, the old Gibbs is back. DUCKY: The old Gibbs? GIBBS: McGee! Over here. Hands and knees. On the floor. MCGEE: Okay. Um... you're not going to step on me, are you? Footprints! Footprints. Looking for footprints. It's a pretty tight weave. DUCKY: It looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber, woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't mat, trap dust or build static. Makes it ideal for carpeting, but personally, I prefer a good shag. From a criminal-investigative standpoint. MCGEE: I don't see any dirty footprints. DUCKY: I think it's safe to assume that our friend didn't stroll in here on his own. TONY: You look happy to see me, Boss! (BEAT) Oh, it's the coffee. Ran the military ID our local LEOs got off the body. Lance Corporal James Finn stationed at Quantico. Went UA when his unit was shipped to Iraq six months ago. MCGEE: Looks like he's got a pretty good reason for not showing. GIBBS: Find out where he was buried. DUCKY: It won't be far, McGee. Had the trip been longer, some bits would have fallen off. MCGEE: Okay, I'll check the backyard. TONY: Scene's not going to sketch itself. (F/X: JIMMY BUMPS INTO TONY) (SFX: JIMMY GROANS) DUCKY: Perhaps it would be better if you fetched the gurney, Mister Palmer. I've seen all I need to see here. JIMMY: Yes, Doctor. (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: It's a tidy crime scene. DUCKY: Quite. It appears to be a body drop. A tertiary crime scene. Or quaternary. Or quinary. I could go on. TONY: Oh, you did. It's an odd decorating choice. Although the corpse does give the place a certain lived-in look. DUCKY: You can see, he brushed the dirt off his face. TONY: Oh, geez!! (F/X: TONY BUMPS INTO GIBBS) TONY: Sorry. DUCKY: Hello. (CHUCKLES) Nicrophorus americanus. Also known as the carrion beetle. Come here, you little monkey! Ah ah! Yeah, a reminder that Shakespeare got it wrong. We are not food for worms. It's the flies and beetles that feast upon us. GIBBS: I'm more interested in why someone did this, Doctor. DUCKY: Well, then I'll have to research the predatory, manipulative, grandiose nature of this behavior. But my first impression is that we're dealing with a complete loon. TONY: That Master's in psych is starting to pay off, Ducky. (SFX: DUCKY CHUCKLES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSE - DAY JODY: Merciful God in Heaven! I have seen a lot of things selling real estate, but can you imagine walking in and seeing that? ZIVA: When was the last time you were here? JODY: Yesterday morning for a showing. ZIVA: And everything was normal? JODY: There was no rotting corpse in the living room if that's what you mean. ZIVA: Who else had access? JODY: A couple of dozen real estate women. The keys are in a lock box on the front door. ZIVA: Who's the owner? JODY: A local contractor... and me. I buy and Bob fixes. We split the profits. ZIVA: Bob? JODY: Robert Whitehead. The contractor. ZIVA: A number where he can be reached? JODY: Yeah. ZIVA: So who put the body here? You or Bob? JODY: Neither of us! You know, it is an empty house. If you're looking to ditch a body, that's a real plus. RICK: Jody! I came as fast as I could. Are you okay? JODY: It's my husband. I called him. (TO RICK) Just duck under the tape, Rick. ZIVA: Stop! It's a crime scene! RICK: Crime scene. Honey, you all right? ZIVA: She's fine. JODY: I am not fine. I had to cancel my one o'clock showing! MCGEE: (V.O.) I think I found where he was buried... [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BACK YARD - DAY MCGEE: I checked for footprints, but it rained last night. So everything is pretty washed out. GIBBS: You got access? MCGEE: Well, there's side access at street level. Chain link fence around the yard, but anyone with gloves could have scaled it. ZIVA: Wait for me! TONY: Did the real estate agent solve the big mystery? ZIVA: No. But she owns the property with a contractor, and every real estate agent in town had access. TONY: I think the mystery is how they expect to sell a house for six hundred grand when it only has two and a half bathrooms. MCGEE: Well, you know what they say. Location, location.... location. So, judging from the marks around the edges, I'd say the digger used a garden spade. The soil is not real packed, so it would have been easy digging for a male or female. GIBBS: You see that? MCGEE: Black plastic bags. TONY: Garbage bags. GIBBS: Body bag. Get it back to Abby. Have a soil sample. I want ground-penetrating radar. MCGEE: Uh, Boss, those techs are booked weeks in advance. I'm going to tell them it's an emergency, and I will not budge until they show. GIBBS: Who's staying with McGee? ZIVA: I can, if you want Tony to check out the other real estate women. TONY: Fine with me. GIBBS: Tony! Stay with McGee. ZIVA: You shouldn't have licked your chops like a hungry wolf. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Much better. Before I smelled like dirt and sweat. Now I smell like dirt, sweat, and sandalwood. ZIVA: Good morning! What are you doing at my desk?! TONY: I couldn't find my deodorant, so I used yours. ZIVA: You, you didn't. TONY: Yeah, we're partners. What's the big deal? ZIVA: A hair! TONY: Come on. You attach electrodes to men's testicles. You're getting squeamish about a hair? I'm not going to feel bad. Those ground-radar techs didn't show 'till dawn. McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very "Brokeback Mountain." MCGEE: He had me at "Howdy." ZIVA: How romantic. I'm sorry I missed it. MCGEE: Well, I can show it to you on my new phone. It takes video. Behold the majesty of the sun. ZIVA: On a two inch screen? Are we all getting those? MCGEE: Nope. I bought it. ZIVA: Expensive? MCGEE: Not really. TONY: Ha! Yeah, really. You've been dropping a lot of cash lately, McGee. New phone, new watch, new teeth. What's up? GIBBS: Ducky matched the dental records. The body downstairs is Lance Corporal Finn. Ziva, when did you - McGee! How long does it take to put on a clean shirt? MCGEE: Ten seconds. With buttons a little longer. (BEAT) Rhetorical question. ZIVA: Contractor's off the hook. He's been out of town for a week. Going to check on the real estate agents this morning. TONY: That's all you did? ZIVA: No, while you and McGee were watching the sunrise, I was pulling Lance Corporal Finn's SRB, and I have to say it was.... spotty. He was UNC on the range and failed his swim qual. GIBBS: So they made him a supply clerk. ZIVA: Right. Six months ago he signed out on a three day pass before deploying to Iraq, and he never returned home. GIBBS: Get me his C.O. TONY: He's in Iraq. (BEAT) I'll contact MTAC. MCGEE: I've put in a request for Finn's bank records, earning statements, and medical records. TONY: Night wasn't a total loss. Ground radar picked up a shovel about ten feet from the gravesite. Already sent it to Abby. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) MCGEE: Yep. The old Gibbs is back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY GIBBS: Do you see something, Abs? ABBY: Beauty. I mean it's tragic, but if you were to see this tableau in a museum, you'd swear it was a brilliant commentary on the human condition. GIBBS: What? A corpse staring at the TV set? ABBY: It says it all. GIBBS: Well, it doesn't say who put him there, or why? ABBY: That's for us to find out. (GASPS) You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face. GIBBS: I've still got my eyebrows. ABBY: Good point. I found Finn's blood, hair, and fingerprints on the plastic. So he was probably wrapped in it. But I didn't find any other prints on the plastic or the shovel. GIBBS: Any chance of grabbing the gravedigger's sweat off the handle? ABBY: After being underground, it's unlikely. Strange case, huh? I had this friend once that used to display road kill in his living room. He got an NEA grant -- GIBBS: Abby? ABBY: Next I analyzed the soil. It's compost material, rocks, and small sticks. Nothing's over an inch long. That indicates it was processed through a screen. GIBBS: Pretty clean for dirt. ABBY: Well, it's a commercial product. But the house was just re-landscaped, so it's not surprising. I sent the acidity levels to Ducky. I then inventoried Finn's personal items. GIBBS: Got anything with a date on it? ABBY: Nope, sorry. No credit card or purchase receipts. I guess he was a cash guy. I mean, if you can call a guy with thirty-one dollars and seventy-one cents a cash guy. His clothes were Dockers from Sears. No judgments. The shirts are large, the shoes are off-brand. And his underwear are boxer/briefs, like you wear, Gibbs. GIBBS: You're fishing, Abs. ABBY: So, are they regular boxers? Trunks? Bikinis? Nothing?(GIBBS WALKS O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Mister Palmer, have you finished the chromatographic analysis of his volatile fatty acid? JIMMY: Yes, Doctor. DUCKY: Well, let's plug the numbers into the computer and see how long our friend has been leaking into the topsoil. Agent Gibbs will be here soon, and he will ask... (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: How'd the Lance Corporal die, Doctor? DUCKY: How he died may take me a while. Try when did he die? GIBBS: That's my next question. DUCKY: That I can answer. It's a tricky calculation. One has to factor in temperature, soil acidity, and the variety and volume of insects who now call Lance Corporal Finn home. GIBBS: Give me a round number. JIMMY: Ninety-two days with a three percent margin of error. DUCKY: It would appear you deserted before you died. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ZIVA: Gibbs, Lance Corporal Finn's fiancé is upstairs. She saw a report in the local news last night. GIBBS: How, Doctor? DUCKY: As soon as I know, you'll know. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ZIVA: Her name is Siri Albert. She's twenty-five. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Lives in Manassas and works as a physical therapist. TONY: Finn's fiancé is here. I put her in the conference room. ZIVA: You did? I did! TONY: No, I did. ZIVA: His fiancé? TONY: Yeah, his fiancé. ZIVA: Tall. Light brown hair. TONY: Red head.(DOOR OPENS) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY SIRI: Someone has made a huge mistake. James isn't dead. He's been writing me letters from Iraq. ZIVA: It's a common name. SIRI: The news said he was born in Jackson, Pennsylvania. It's a small town. ZIVA: That James Finn has been dead three months. SIRI: He left for Iraq three months ago. I saw him the morning he went away, and I just got a letter from him last week. He says he misses me and he's working a lot. GIBBS: We'll need those. SIRI: Okay. But I want them back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY REBECCA: It's his handwriting. I recognize it. They've been coming for months. Now I want to know who that other woman is!? TONY: We're not here to talk about that. REBECCA: Is she saying that she's engaged to Jimmy, too? (LAUGHS) 'Cause if that's true, he'd better hope he's dead, or else I'll kill him! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY SIRI: James and I connected on a deep spiritual level. From then on, anytime he was in town, he was with me. ZIVA: How often did you see him? SIRI: He would come and go a lot, but I understood. That's how it is with Special Ops. ZIVA: Lance Corporal Finn's record does not indicate he was involved with Special Operations. SIRI: He said his missions were top secret. He wanted to tell me more, but he didn't want to put me in danger. TONY: (V.O.) When did you last see... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: .... Lance Corporal Finn? REBECCA: Six months ago, before he left for Iraq. TONY: How'd you meet? REBECCA: At a bar two years ago. I was there with some girlfriends, and when I got up to go to the lady's room, he blocked my path. Said he couldn't keep his eyes off of me. MCGEE: And that worked? REBECCA: What worked is that when we talked, he had something to say. Most guys won't shut up about their online war games. But this guy, he had seen real action. And I was feeling patriotic that night. So I invited him to come home with me. The s*x was fantastic. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY ZIVA: When did you two get engaged? SIRI: About a week before he left. James wanted to borrow thirty thousand. ZIVA: Did he tell you what the money was for? SIRI: Gambling debts. And if he didn't pay, they were gonna hurt him. GIBBS: Who? SIRI: He said it was better if I didn't know, because of the danger. REBECCA: (V.O.) Look! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY REBECCA: I didn't give him the money! I loaned it to him. MCGEE: So you drew up a legal document? REBECCA: No, but we had an oral agreement. I mean, he promised to pay me back... with interest! I mean, I maxed out all of my cards! So you better find that money! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY ZIVA: What was he like the last time you saw him? SIRI: He was sweet. We made love right before he left. GIBBS: Did he use a condom? SIRI: I'm on the pill. (BEAT) We were engaged. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abs, can DNA still be recovered from Lance Corporal Finn's skivvies?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) It would take the ... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ...cooperation of weather and protection. He was wrapped in plastic, and it's been cold, so there's... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... a decent chance. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, run the tests. We'll do a cheek swab on his fiancés. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Wait. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Did you say fiancés? Like plural? Huh. Kinky! (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY SIRI: Ah. Is that it? ZIVA: For now, Siri. I need to follow you home and pick up his belongings. SIRI: I want them back when James returns. ZIVA: He's dead. He can't return. SIRI: Look, I know he's not dead. I would feel it in my heart. We're soul mates. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (SFX: SIRI GASPS/CRIES) SIRI: (CRYING) No. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Agent Lee, I need legal help. We have a suspect who's refusing a cheek swab. LEE: I'll file for a DNA search warrant. What's the name? TONY: Rebecca Kemp. I'll email you the info. Listen, do you miss working with us? LEE: I think the legal department is more my speed. Why? Do you miss me? TONY: Uh, sure. (TO GIBBS) Boss! Agent Lee is getting us our cheek swab. GIBBS: Is Rebecca paranoid or guilty? TONY: Uh, might just be angry. At Finn, us, and the world. GIBBS: Go back with her to her apartment. Get Finn's stuff. And no, I don't want to wait for a search warrant. (REBECCA SIGHS) (ZIVA AND SIRI WALK INTO THE SQUAD ROOM) ZIVA: I'll grab my coat. Wait at the elevator. SIRI: Okay. REBECCA: Hey, you! Where's my money!? Yeah, you! Did you and Jimmy spend it!? SIRI: Please get away from me! I don't know you. REBECCA: I am Jimmy's fiancé. SIRI: James loved me!! REBECCA: He used you. SIRI: (SHOUTS) You liar!! (SFX: GIRLS FIGHT/WRESTLE) TONY: Chick fight! REBECCA: Get off of me!(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIRLS FIGHTING) SIRI: Get off! Get off of me! ZIVA: Stop it! GIBBS: Hey, get off her! Get off her!(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN) (SFX: GIRLS SHRIEK B.G.) GIBBS: Get up!!(SFX: REBECCA GASPS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY GIBBS: How'd this guy die, Doctor? DUCKY: As I told you, when I know, you'll know. GIBBS: Know faster. DUCKY: Shaving off your mustache has brought back your usual impatience. GIBBS: Good! That means I'm doing my job. DUCKY: I do have a potential cause of death, but it's by no means airtight. You see this fracture? GIBBS: Well, yeah. You're pointing right at it. DUCKY: The brain revealed an epidural hematoma, verified by this CAT scan. Though it's far from massive. Statistically, it's only fatal in about seventeen percent of cases. GIBBS: Blunt force trauma? DUCKY: Most likely. We're looking at a baseball bat or a golf club. Perhaps wielded by a disgruntled fiancé. GIBBS: You tell me how, I'll figure out who. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) Intelligence has placed La Grenouille in Nairobi. That might mean a shipment to Somalia. We'll continue to monitor these activities. Just do your best. GIBBS: Mission trouble? SHEPARD: That's need-to-know. Initiate the video conference Special Agent Gibbs requested. (TO GIBBS) Have you figured out why somebody would unbury a body? GIBBS: That's need-to-know. SHEPARD: You can't pull that one with me, Jethro. I'm your boss. TECHNICIAN: (V.O.) Iraq standing by, Ma'am. STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) I got your email concerning Lance Corporal Finn. I assume you've been over his SRB. GIBBS: Yeah, we have, Skipper. We'd like to know what's not on the record. STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) Finn wasn't one of my stronger Marines. Wasn't surprised he went U.A. GIBBS: Did he have any enemies in the company? STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) He was well-liked. Played poker. Not well, but covered his debts. Liked to talk about his sexual exploits in detail. You know how Marines love that. GIBBS: How does a dead Marine stateside send letters home from Iraq? STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) I wondered about that myself. Get over here, Marine! Meet Lance Corporal Hagan... soon to be Private Hagan. Before deployment, Finn gave him... a couple hundred bucks to pop letters in the mail to two women. First batch started six months ago. The second three months later. Got enough to last the rest of our deployment. GIBBS: I'm going to need those. STENGEL: (ON MONITOR) I'll send them on the next flight out. SHEPARD: Two fiancées....is that a Marine thing? GIBBS: Oh, that's need-to-know, too, Director. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: Do you see it yet? MCGEE: No. ABBY: Keep looking! MCGEE: Abby, I've been staring at this thing for five minutes. I don't see anything that I would consider to be art. ABBY: But you took the picture! MCGEE: Just because Ducky told me to. I'm sorry. ABBY: That's okay. I'm sure you find other things beautiful. MCGEE: Like Gibbs breaking up a chick fight? ABBY: I can't believe I missed that! MCGEE: Well, I've got good news. Guess what is now playing on McGee TV? ABBY: I hug and kiss technology! (SFX: VIDEO PLAYS) SIRI: (ON TAPE) You liar!!(SFX: GIRLS SHOUT B.G.) ABBY: Oh, meow! Which one's Siri? MCGEE: The one Gibbs is pulling off the other girl. ABBY: It's always good to have a face to put with genetic material. MCGEE: Did you get a match on her off of Finn's clothing? ABBY: Yeah, but not just her. There's a party in Finn's pants. I found genetic material from two distinct females. MCGEE: Siri and... ABBY: The mystery woman. MCGEE: That would explain why Rebecca refused a cheek swab. Told us she hadn't seen him in six months. ABBY: Play it again. MCGEE: Plus, Rebecca's got a lot of anger in her. ABBY: Oh, I wouldn't assume Siri is innocent. MCGEE: Why not? ABBY: Look at the fight. Siri initiates it. She may not be as sweet as she looks. GIBBS: (ON TAPE) Get off her! ABBY: This is my favorite part. GIBBS: Which part? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. EVIDENCE GARAGE - NIGHT TONY: I was lucky to get out of Rebecca's apartment alive. She threw this at my head. ZIVA: Wow. Finn was reading Moby Dick? TONY: No, she was throwing it. I took it so she couldn't re-arm. ZIVA: Okay, let's see what he had at Siri's place. Razor and a toothbrush. TONY: Razor and a toothbrush. ZIVA: Three pairs of white underwear. TONY: Three pairs pinkish underwear. ZIVA: One white sock with a gold toe. TONY: Don't you hate it when you leave one black sock at one fiancé's house, and the other one at the other's house? ZIVA: One pair of blue jeans. TONY: One black mesh t-shirt. Do women really like these? ZIVA: Depends on who's wearing it. TONY: So if I'm-- ZIVA: No! It's not much to go on.(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSE) TONY: Only one place left to check. Ha ha! ZIVA: Ha! Tony just put his hands in another man's pocket, and it made him very happy. TONY: Found a pre-paid calling card. GIBBS: That's it? ZIVA: Yes. GIBBS: No engagement rings? TONY: Do you want those, too? (BEAT) I'll go to Siri's and get the ring, and any other gifts Finn might have given her. McGee, you've got Rebecca. ZIVA: How could they have been so clueless? GIBBS: Well, he's dead, so maybe they weren't. (PHONE RINGS) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Officer David.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) JODY: (INTO PHONE) This is Jody Carvell. I am standing outside... (SCENE CUT) JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) .... Of the Larson Lane house. (SCENE CUT) JODY: (INTO PHONE) Are you aware that the police tape is still up? (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Yes, it's an ongoing investigation. (TO GIBBS) It's the real estate agent. JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay... (SCENE CUT) JODY: (INTO PHONE) ....for how much longer? It costs me money every day I can't show... (SCENE CUT) JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... this house. ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Yes, but I... JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) This is outrageous. You clearly don't get it. ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) No, I'm sorry-- JODY: (V.O./FILTERED) I would like to speak to your supervisor, if I could. ZIVA: She wants to have a word with my supervisor. (GIBBS HANGS UP THE PHONE) (SFX: DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY (KNOCK ON DOOR) MCGEE: Ms. Kemp, it's NCIS. We need to speak with you again. (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Rebecca? Rebecca? What happened? Did you call nine one one? Hold on. (INTO PHONE) Yes, I've got a woman here who's shot, needs immediate medical attention! (REBECCA GASPS) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ON MONITOR: Why would someone unbury a body?(SFX: KEYBOARDING) TONY: (V.O./READS) "Why would someone unbury a body?" (ON CAMERA) I can answer that. To send the message. Like, "Hi, I'm dead." "Never get engaged to two women at the same time?" ZIVA: It would be easier to just rent a billboard. Second question. (ON MONITOR) Where's the money? TONY: (V.O.) Where's the money? (ON CAMERA) Ah! Maybe in Siri's engagement ring. I've got to bring this down to Abby. ZIVA: I can save you an elevator trip. (SFX: ZIVA EXHALES ON THE RING) TONY: Oh, that's nice. ZIVA: It's creating condensation. On a real diamond, that evaporates immediately. TONY: It's staying. ZIVA: Because it's a fake. TONY: Give it one more try just to make sure. ZIVA: I'm not blowing on you again! Question three. TONY: (READS) Why buy a shovel? ZIVA: Oops! No, sorry. TONY: (READS) Why bury a shovel? Yeah, I have no answer to that idea. But here, how about this one? (SFX: KEYBOARDING) (ON MONITOR) Who is Darkman? ZIVA: (READS) Who is Darkman? TONY: That is the question. Liam Neeson in the nineteen-ninety cult classic directed by Sam Raimi about a mentally unstable scientist who seeks revenge. GIBBS: You left out "Who Shot Rebecca?" ZIVA: That was my next question. TONY: Siri claims she was out walking at the time of the shooting. No witnesses. GSR test came back negative. ZIVA: Even if Siri shot Rebecca, I don't think she killed Finn. I saw her face when she saw his body. TONY: If Siri is innocent, she'd assume that Rebecca's guilty and she'd seek revenge. ZIVA: Shooting someone in broad daylight is just dumb. GIBBS: Well, you're not thinking like a jealous woman, Ziva. MCGEE: They're keeping Rebecca in the hospital overnight. She lost a lot of blood, but the wound was through and through. GIBBS: Anything on the shooter? MCGEE: Said she didn't get a good look at her. TONY: How'd she know it was a her? MCGEE: Rebecca said she heard a female voice at the door. When she opened it, bang. TONY: Siri. MCGEE: Maybe not. When I went back to search Rebecca's place, I found this between couch pillows. GIBBS: Rebecca shot herself. MCGEE: I think so. She lost a lot today. Her fiancé, her life savings. ZIVA: Her respect. MCGEE: Could have been a failed suicide attempt. TONY: Or a bid for sympathy. ZIVA: Or an attempt to escape discovery that she had s*x with Finn the day he died. TONY: What's your gut tell you, Boss? GIBBS: Take your shirt off. TONY: There we go. MCGEE: Well, I know it's kind of messy... GIBBS: Your shirt, McGee. Take it off now. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT) GIBBS: Take it down to Abby. Or would you rather wait for a search warrant? MCGEE: Rebecca's DNA. I need to borrow one of your shirts. TONY: Are you afraid all that white might burn out Abby's corneas? MCGEE: Do not make me walk around like this all day. Come on, help me out. TONY: All right, I can't resist a damsel in distress. Here. Take this. I'll get a fresh one. ZIVA: Wow, it's just like Chippendale's.... without the bow ties or muscles. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) SHEPARD: Give me a second. I just have to finish this email to Kofi Annan. GIBBS: Kofi can wait. SHEPARD: What is it, Jethro? GIBBS: The Finn case. SHEPARD: Yes? You're lost on this one? GIBBS: Puzzled. They barely knew Finn, yet they let him move in. Loaned him money. SHEPARD: They trusted a man who took advantage them. If you're in a relationship and the other person is keeping secrets, how would you know? GIBBS: You'd know. SHEPARD: I didn't. GIBBS: Who lied to you? SHEPARD: You did! Not exactly lied, but you just didn't tell me the whole truth either. GIBBS: You're comparing me to Finn? SHEPARD: I'm just saying that you can be involved with someone without fully knowing them. How could you not tell me about your family? GIBBS: Finish your email. SHEPARD: You wanted my advice. Just don't be too hard on the fiancés. Finn duped them. And I shouldn't have brought up the past. I know you had your reasons for not wanting to talk about it. (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: We're talking about it now. SHEPARD: Now is not Paris. GIBBS: Your priorities were clear in Paris. SHEPARD: I had a job to do in Europe. GIBBS: If I had told you about my first wife, would it have made a difference? SHEPARD: We'll never know, will we? (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) You went home early. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) I stayed until twenty-one thirty. DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Oh, that's early for you. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You called to talk about my work hours, Doctor Mallard? DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) No, Agent Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) I had a hunch which led me to trim-- (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Lance Corporal Finn's nose hairs. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) I don't think he'd done it for some time. I discovered something under the microscope. Among the keratin proteins, I found translucent fibers of glass. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Fiberglass? DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Exactly. He must have.... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) .... inhaled them in. I'd say most likely ... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...from insulation. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Maybe the house wasn't just a body drop. DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Oh, he's speaking softly... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) ...but Lance Corporal Finn has more to say.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT (SFX: GIBBS FLIPS HIS CELL PHONE CLOSED) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Ah, would you mind cleaning up, Mister Palmer? JIMMY: Not at all, Doctor. DUCKY: I know you've been putting in long hours recently. DUCKY: Well, I appreciate the can-do attitude. Good night! JIMMY: Good night, Doctor. (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/) DUCKY: Agent Lee! You're working late. LEE: Still organizing paperwork on the Weaton case, Doctor Mallard. I need the autopsy report. DUCKY: What happened to the one I sent up to legal yesterday? LEE: I'm afraid I shredded it by mistake. DUCKY: Well, you must be more careful. LEE: I know. I'm sorry, Doctor Mallard. DUCKY: No worries. (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN) DUCKY: I'm sure Mister Palmer will give you what you need. LEE: Okay. Thank you! (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED) (SFX: LIGHT CLICKS OFF) (MUSIC OVER PASSIONATE KISSING) (SFX: MOANS AND SQUEALS B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY WHITEHEAD: WHITEHEAD: That's about how it looked three months ago. The living room floor is the last thing we closed up. (CONT.) We ran the AC ducts under this section. The damn inspector was weeks late. GIBBS: Do you have security at night here, Bob? WHITEHEAD: Not on a job this size. We used standard fiberglass insulation, CDX sub floor. Do you see something? GIBBS: Yeah, your joist. Twenty-four inches on center. I'd have built it at sixteen. WHITEHEAD: Then you wouldn't have made a profit. GIBBS: That joist there look discolored to you? WHITEHEAD: Could be mold. GIBBS: Mold spreads from the bottom up. TONY: Amido Black. On it, Boss. MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) We'll be there soon. (TO GIBBS) Boss, Abby ran the pre-paid phone card we found in Finn's pocket. It had only one call on it. It was to a self-storage company in Dale City, Virginia. GIBBS: Good. Call the storage facility. MCGEE: I did. I was just taking a breath. I called the self storage place. Finn paid for the unit in cash. Only signed in once. So I figure that Ziva and I should probably go down there and check it out. Sorry about the breath. TONY: Kind of reminds me of Pacific Heights. GIBBS: Don't tell me. A movie. TONY: Yeah, interesting plot. Yuppie couple buys their dream house. And then the tenant from hell tries to destroy it. Michael Keaton's best work. It looks like organic material. Would a two by six match Finn's head injury? GIBBS: Ducky thinks a blunt object hit his temple. TONY: Or maybe his temple hit a blunt object? Which would have landed him nose first in this insulation. JODY: Oh, my god! Bob! Why are you letting them destroy our property? WHITEHEAD: They're cops, Jody. GIBBS: What is she doing here? WHITEHEAD: I called her. She should know what's going on. JODY: Well, it's coming out of your profits, Bob! WHITEHEAD: What a minute, Jody! JODY: That sisal's expensive! TONY: You need to calm down, Mrs. Carvell. JODY: Calm down? I just found a dead guy in the living room. And I am losing money every day. Oh, and my father just died of leukemia, so don't you tell me to calm down! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SELF STORAGE UNIT - DAY MCGEE: I'm thinking before we open this up, maybe we should rub some Vicks under our noses.(SFX: CAR BRAKING STOP) ZIVA: I don't think we'll find a body. MCGEE: I hope not. I hate that. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STORAGE UNIT - DAY (SFX: STORAGE DOOR SLIDES OPEN) ZIVA: Nothing? MCGEE: Well, whatever Lance Corporal Finn was planning on putting in here, he didn't get a chance to. ZIVA: McGee, give me your flashlight. MCGEE: What, you didn't bring your own? ZIVA: It's too heavy. It pulls my pants down. Now close the door. (SFX: STORAGE DOOR SLIDES CLOSED) (PASSAGE OF TIME) ZIVA: To the right! To the right! MCGEE: Yeah. ZIVA: Just... more to the... more to the left. MCGEE: I'm doing it. Okay. ZIVA: Okay, hold it! MCGEE: Yeah!(SFX: ZIVA GRUNTS) ZIVA: Ah... (SFX: MCGEE GRUNTS) ZIVA: Ah, too small to hold a body. MCGEE: Big enough to hold a head. (BEAT) Is that what I think it is? ZIVA: Oh, yes. Gold. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY TONY: Hey, got another DNA sample to test. It's a rush job. ABBY: Oh, should I put it in front of my other rush jobs? TONY: Yes. ABBY: Okay, I'll make it a rush rush job and I'll get right on it. Unless I get a rush rush rush job. TONY: Thanks, Abs. ABBY: Hey, um.. could you tell Gibbs that I got the results back from Rebecca's DNA. It does not match the genetic material in Finn's shorts. TONY: That means we're.... ABBY: Looking for a third woman. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) DUCKY: Since you revisited the crime scene, I decided I want to revisit the body. Something is troubling me. TONY: Me, too. DUCKY: Oh, what's that, Tony? TONY: Well, Finn had two entrees and still had room for dessert. Makes me wonder if there was anything, you know, special about him? DUCKY: Like what? (BEAT) Oh, like that! Did he have extra women because he had something extra for the women? Well, take a look for yourself. Sadly, the first thing the maggots eat is the soft tissue. Still, you've given me an idea. (SFX: DRAWER SLIDES OPEN) TONY: To vomit? DUCKY: No, to reexamine the soft tissue. Thanks, Tony. TONY: I do what I can. Ducky, is there anyway to psychologically "unsee" something? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Finn's bag contained one hundred and twenty ounces of gold, worth about seventy-eight thousand, four hundred dollars at today's conversion rate. GIBBS: Mint numbers? MCGEE: We're tracing them now. The coins were purchased over the Internet in three batches. I should have the dates here in a moment. ZIVA: We figured sixty thousand came from the fiancés and Finn must have tossed in the rest. (INTO PHONE) Officer David. MCGEE: Okay, first batch of gold purchased nine months ago, and paid for with a money order. The second batch... ZIVA: That was Abby. She was searching non-standard databases with the third woman's DNA. She got a hit on a bone marrow donor bank. GIBBS: Pull it up. ZIVA: That's not what I expected. GIBBS: Her father died of leukemia. Pick her up. Take Dinozzo with you. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. FINN HOUSE - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) TONY: You interrogated her and didn't pick up she had s*x with Finn? ZIVA: It was an interview, not an interrogation. And excuse me if my brain didn't go to the s*x place. (SFX: CAR DOOR CLOSES) TONY: Mine would. ZIVA: I'm sure that's why you have a leg up on other investigators. TONY: See? You say "leg up?" I instantly went to the s*x place. (SFX: CAR ACCELERATES) ZIVA: (SHOUTS) Hey! TONY: (SHOUTS) Hey! Pull over! Hey stop! (SFX: TIRES SCREECH) TONY: Stop! (SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS) JODY: I'm sorry. I need to go. I have a showing. TONY: NCIS. RICK: What's going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!(DOOR CLOSES) ZIVA: She tried to rat on us. TONY: She means rabbit. ZIVA: Rabbit, yes! JODY: I was in a hurry for a showing. RICK: What? Are you arresting her? TONY: We're taking her to NCIS to answer a few questions. RICK: Well, I'm coming, too. JODY: Rick, you don't have to come! RICK: (OVERLAP) Jody, I'm your husband. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: So why didn't you tell us you knew Lance Corporal Finn. JODY: I was afraid my husband would find out. GIBBS: That you killed him? JODY: I didn't kill James. It was an accident. He fell. He hit his head. I did not kill him. I loved him. I swear to God. GIBBS: Do you have any idea how many murderers "swear to God" they didn't do it? JODY: I come from a good Catholic family. When we swear to God, we mean it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM (DOOR OPENS) DUCKY: Room for one more? ZIVA: I haven't see you in observation for a while, Ducky. DUCKY: I've learned as much as I can from the dead. It's time to listen to the living. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: You met in a bar. JODY: Yes. How did you know that? GIBBS: When? JODY: Nine months ago. GIBBS: Did you sleep with him that night? JODY: No. GIBBS: That's right. I forgot. You're from a good Catholic family. Did you sleep with him the second night? (BEAT) Your husband never knew. JODY: I would tell him that I had a late showing, and I'd meet James at the house on Larson Lane. I know that that sounds immoral, but it is not what you think! GIBBS: Well, let me guess. You have a deep, spiritual connection? JODY: Exactly. I had already decided I was going to leave my husband. I just had to wait for... GIBBS: Your father to die. JODY: The way you say it -- it sounds horrible. GIBBS: Oh, yeah. It is! JODY: If Dad knew I was getting a divorce, he'd have disowned me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM ZIVA: She inherited two million dollars last month when Dad died. DUCKY: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: How about if you were a murderer? JODY: I didn't kill James. GIBBS: You buried him. JODY: No. I did not even know that he was dead. I will admit that we had a fight. James wanted to borrow money, and I refused, and he got angry, and he said that we were through. He got up to leave. I just wanted him to stay. I uh... took his cigarettes... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE - FLASHBACK FINN: Give them back! JODY: No! FINN: Now! JODY: Not unless you promise to-- (SFX: FINN GRUNTS) JODY: James! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM JODY: I just got in my car and I drove for hours. I came back to check on him, see if he was okay. But... GIBBS: He was dead, so you buried him. JODY: No! James was gone. I thought that he was fine until I went to that house for the showing the other day. (CRYING) And there he was! And I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM ZIVA: Can Gibbs arrest God? TONY: I don't know. It's like the Thing trying to bring in the Hulk. DUCKY: She's telling the truth. TONY: Where are you going? DUCKY: To tell Gibbs.(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) ZIVA: What do you think? TONY: I'm glad the glass is bulletproof. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM (DOOR OPENS) DUCKY: Excuse me. Uh... could I have a word with you? GIBBS: Working. DUCKY: It's related and important. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY (DOOR CLOSES) DUCKY: She's telling the truth. (SFX: REBECCA B.G.) GIBBS: God put the body there? DUCKY: No. Someone who was playing God. She didn't bury him. GIBBS: Is your gut telling you this? DUCKY: I've been watching her. She feels guilt, empathy, remorse. That doesn't fit the psychological profile. GIBBS: She's deceitful, conniving, an adulteress, which does. DUCKY: I'm trying to give you my professional opinion. GIBBS: Then tell me after I have finished interrogating the suspect.(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Timothy, do you have a moment? MCGEE: Well, actually, I'm watching Jody Carvell's husband. DUCKY: Yes, I know. I want to have a word with him. MCGEE: Sure. DUCKY: Yeah, and for you to tape it with that new cell phone of yours. MCGEE: Tape you? DUCKY: No, no, no, no, no. Not me, him. Surreptitiously, of course. MCGEE: Of course. (MCGEE AND DUCKY WALK TO THE DESK) MCGEE: Here you go, Mister Carvell. RICK: Thank you. MCGEE: Uh, this is our medical examiner, Doctor Mallard. DUCKY: Call me Ducky. Everyone does. RICK: Ah, Rick. DUCKY: Strange, isn't it, Rick? Someone committed a murder. Standard. But then they covered it up. Standard. And then they uncovered it. Far from standard. RICK: You think my wife was involved? DUCKY: No. And that's the problem. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM JODY: James was a big man. There is no way that I could have picked him up and buried him. GIBBS: Oh, that's easy. You roll him onto the plastic. You drag him out. JODY: Without ruining these nails? Look at them. They are so perfect. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY DUCKY: I tried to convince Agent Gibbs that your wife was telling the truth. I'm afraid he doesn't believe me. Tell me, Rick, why does that please you? RICK: What? DUCKY: Well, you just flashed a slight reflective smile when I said that Gibbs didn't believe your wife. RICK: I did not! DUCKY: Timothy? (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE REVIEWS CAMERA FOOTAGE) DUCKY: (V.O./RECORDED) I'm afraid he doesn't believe me. (ON CAMERA) I don't know if God was watching your wife and Finn that night, but you were. RICK: My wife and the dead guy? DUCKY: Yes. When your wife ran out of the house, you buried the body. RICK: My god, man. Why would I do that? DUCKY: Because you wanted the money. Well, you had to wait until her father died, before you could implicate her in the murder. But once she got her inheritance, you disinterred the body. RICK: You have a vivid imagination, Ducky. But uh... imagination doesn't prove anything. DUCKY: Yeah, you're quite right there. But evidence does. Ah, good. Abby, have you lifted the DNA from the shovel handle yet? You know, from the sweat we discovered on the handle? ABBY: Oh, yeah! Right. I've got it running. I'm ready to check it. I just need a sample. DUCKY: Well then, test it against the saliva on this. RICK: You're right! I tried to cover up her murder, but I didn't kill him! That cheating bitch did! MCGEE: Boss, Mister Carvell here admitted to Ducky he buried the body. JODY: Oh, my God! It was you?! RICK: Who else cleans up your messes? I was watching the two of you from the window. JODY: You watched us make love? RICK: That's not what I'd call it. GIBBS: Then what happened? RICK: They had a fight. She hit him on the head, and she ran. JODY: Rick. He's lying! RICK: All I did was bury him. DUCKY: Oh, I'm afraid you did a bit more than that. RICK: Right. I unburied him. MCGEE: Sit down. DUCKY: A reexamination of the conjunctival and facial tissues reveal petechial hemorrhages suggesting asphyxia. So I looked for atelextasis in his lungs, which results from shallow breathing due to an obstruction, such as plastic. And there it was. Lance Corporal Finn was buried alive. RICK: He was dead! I know he was dead! JODY: You b*st*rd! You killed him! GIBBS: Ziva, get her out of here. McGee, handcuff him and get a sworn statement! JODY: (SHOUTS) I hope you fry! RICK: (SHOUTS) Go to hell! Go to hell. ABBY: Wow. I've got to come up here more often. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN) (ZIVA BUMPS INTO GIBBS/MOANS) ZIVA: Gibbs! I screwed up. GIBBS: Well, yeah. You almost spilled my coffee. ZIVA: When Tony and I ran out to pick up Jody, I left Finn's bag of gold by my desk... GIBBS: Hm-hmm. ZIVA: I know I should have taken it to evidence, but we were focusing on-- GIBBS: Here's the inventory. ZIVA: You took it to evidence! It says here the bag contained eighteen thousand dollars worth of gold. We are sixty thousand dollars short. (BEAT) You gave Siri and Rebecca back the money they loaned Finn.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS CLOSE) (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) (GIBBS AND ZIVA WALK INTO THE SQUAD ROOM) GIBBS: I thought I'd save the courts some paperwork. ZIVA: You wouldn't be getting soft? Of course, not. You shaved your mustache. MCGEE: Boss, reception called this morning. They said that someone is here with information about - sorry - about a case. I went to meet her and um... this is Jessica Coleman. James Finn's fiancé.
doc_35
Originally written by Chris Brown. Transcribed by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.] ROSS: And here's little Ben nodding off... MNCA: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy! PHOE: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut! RACH: Oh, let me see! [grabs picture] Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over! [Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.] ROSS: [quietly] That would be nice. [Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.] RACH: Pardon? CHAN: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. [walks over to where Joey is seated] [Joey is looking at his check.] JOEY: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back. CHAN: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars. JOEY: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time. CHAN: [sigh]... And where's this money coming from? [gives money to Joey] JOEY: Well... I'm helping out down at the NYU Med School with some... research. ROSS: [overhearing] What kind of research? JOEY: Oh, just, y'know.... science. ROSS: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. [everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over] JOEY: [sigh]... It's a fertility study. [Rachel laughs.] MNCA: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time. JOEY: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars. ROSS: Hey. PHOE: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist! Credits [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.] MNCA: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns... PHOE: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... [hands meat to Monica] [Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.] CHAN: [in a deep voice] Men are here. JOEY: We make fire. Cook meat. CHAN: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. MNCA/PHOE: Ewww! MNCA: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late. JOEY: Oh, OK. PHOE: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your [provocatively] special someone? JOEY: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great. MNCA: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project? JOEY: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup? MNCA: Man's got a point. JOEY: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have s*x with me. CHAN: Crazy bitch. JOEY: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean. MNCA: Joey... we always know what you mean. [Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.] PHOE: Hey. MNCA: Hey. ROSS: Hey. [Phoebe sees his bags] PHOE: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last? ROSS: I'm going to China. PHOE: Jeez, you say one thing, and... MNCA: You're going to China? ROSS: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo--it's--it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary [hands a sheet of paper to Monica]. Um... here's a picture of me... [hands it to Monica] PHOE: Oh, let me see! [takes the picture] ROSS: [to Monica]: Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me? MNCA: Yeah. [Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.] PHOE: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... [puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her] Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun. ROSS: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left. MNCA: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl. ROSS: Oh. [pause] Hey, who's Carl? MNCA: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse. ROSS: No. PHOE: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the-- ROSS: At the coffeehouse, right. PHOE: So you do know who he is! [laughs, Ross stares at her] Sorry. ROSS: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys. PHOE: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story. [Ross goes outisde on the balcony.] ROSS: Hi. JOEY: Hey! CHAN: Hey! ROSS: [sigh]....I have to go to China. JOEY: The country? ROSS: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is? CHAN: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. ROSS: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight. JOEY: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!? CHAN: Forget about her. JOEY: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food. CHAN: Course there, they just call it food. ROSS: Yeah... I guess. I don't--I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? [gives Chandler a gift for Rachel] JOEY: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you. ROSS: I know. JOEY: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. [Joey gives Ross a hug] CHAN: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. [Time lapse. Melanie (MELN), Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.] MELN: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.' JOEY: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. CHAN: [sarcastic] Ooooh. [looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity] MNCA: [gets up] OK, how does everybody like their burgers? RACH: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. [walks into living room] [Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.] MNCA: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up? JOEY: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I-- [Monica rolls her eyes.] JOEY: Then you do. Heh, heh. MNCA: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her? JOEY: What do you mean? MNCA: Y'know, just be there for her. [Long pause... Joey looks confused.] JOEY: Not following you. MNCA: Think about it. [They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.] RACH: OK, I'm guessing this is from... [Melanie smiles.] RACH: Well, thank you, Melanie. CHAN: [pointing out a gift] OK, this one right here is from me. RACH: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light... [shakes it]...it rattles... it's... [opens it] Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! [she gives it back to him] [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.] RACH: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...[opens it]...it's a book! PHOE: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss! JOEY: [to Rachel]: That book got me through some tough times. MELN: There is a little child inside this man! CHAN: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die. [Rachel picks up the next gift.] RACH: Who's this from? CHAN: Oh, that's Ross's. RACH: Oh... [opens it]... [sees it is a pin] Oh my God. He remembered. PHOE: Remembered what? RACH: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered! CHAN: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? [pats his Travel Scrabble game] PHOE: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. MNCA: I can't believe he did this. CHAN: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.] RACH: What did you just say? CHAN: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck. RACH: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part? CHAN: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah.... flennin.... RACH: Oh.... my God. CHAN: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no.... JOEY: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Same as before, a few moments later.] RACH: I mean, this is unbelievable. PHOE: I know. This is really, really huge. CHAN: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee. PHOE: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again. CHAN: OK, is there a mute button on this woman? MNCA: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea? RACH: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... [to Joey]: W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? JOEY: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something. RACH: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. [gets up to leave] CHAN: [quickly] H-He's in China! JOEY: The country. MNCA: No, no, wait. [checks Ross's itinerary] His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes. CHAN: What about the time difference? MNCA: From here to the airport? CHAN: Yes! [Rachel walks towards door] You're never gonna make it! MNCA: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him? RACH: I-I-I don't know. CHAN: Well then maybe you shouldn't go. JOEY: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait. MNCA: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now. RACH: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him. PHOE: Here, look, alright, does this help? [Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.] RACH: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. [opens door] CHAN: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! [she leaves] [Scene: Airport. Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant (FLGT) is there.] ROSS: [something in Chinese] FLGT: Alright! ROSS: Ni-chou chi-ma! [walks onto jetway] [Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.] RACH: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.... [Rachel gets up to the jetway.] FLGT: Hi! RACH: Hi. FLGT: May I see your boarding pass? RACH: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend. FLGT: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass. RACH: No, I know, but I--he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just... FLGT: No no no! Federal regulations! RACH: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important. FLGT: Alright. What's the message? RACH: Uh... I don't know. [Scene: On the jetway. The flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.] FLGT: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you. MAN: [confused] What? FLGT: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back. MAN: [to wife]: Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze. [Scene: Joey's bedroom. He and Melanie are in bed together.] MELN: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute! JOEY: Heh, heh. It was nothin'. MELN: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! [she starts kissing his chest] JOEY: [panicked] Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn. MELN: [surprised] M-Me again? JOEY: Sure! Why not? MELN: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow. [Joey starts to kiss her.] MELN: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be. JOEY: How do you mean? MELN: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman. [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.] MNCA: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out? RACH: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross. PHOE/MNCA: Sure. RACH: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great. MNCA: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date! PHOE: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date. MNCA: Another good point. PHOE: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed. RACH: [confused] Huh? PHOE: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out? MNCA: Why isn't it working out? RACH: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't. MNCA: Is he not cute enough for you? RACH: No! MNCA: Does he not make enough money? RACH: No, I'm just.... PHOE: Maybe there's someone else. RACH: Wha-- MNCA: Is there? Is there someone else? RACH: No! There is.. there is noone else! MNCA: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.] CHAN: Hey, big-- JOEY: Shhhh! CHAN: [quietly] --spender. JOEY: She's still asleep. CHAN: So how'd it go? JOEY: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed? CHAN: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me. JOEY: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade! CHAN: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route. JOEY: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level. CHAN: I didn't know you had another level. JOEY: I know! Neither did I! [Scene: Monica's apartment, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.] MNCA: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? RACH: Yeah. MNCA: Oh, from who? RACH: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. MNCA: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B? RACH: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this--this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea. MNCA: Oh, why? RACH: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna-- MNCA: [gets up] No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure! RACH: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so... MNCA: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise. [Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.] RACH: Who is it? VOICE: It's me, Carl. RACH: C'mon up. MNCA: Behind my brother's back? [Rachel glares at her] ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.] JOEY: Seven hundred bucks! CHAN: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? JOEY: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something. CHAN: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing? JOEY: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? [Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.] [Scene: The balcony of Monica's apartment. Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.] CARL: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy! [Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross--a figment of Rachel's imagination-- shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.] ROSS: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me. RACH: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here. ROSS: Fine, just stop thinking about me. [She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.] ROSS: Can't do it, can you? RACH: So I'm thinking about you. So what? ROSS: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway? RACH: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy.... CARL: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car! ROSS: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance. RACH: Ross, it's too hard. ROSS: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. RACH: Ross, you're like my best friend. ROSS: I know. RACH: If we broke up, and I lost you... ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up? RACH: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up? ROSS: [pause] No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me? RACH: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before. ROSS: Well, start looking. [They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.] RACH: Wow. CARL: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic! RACH: Right! You're right! CARL: Heh... y'know? RACH: You know what? CARL: What? RACH: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... [gives him her drink] I mean--I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry. [Rachel leaves.] CARL: But... [Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background. Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.] RACH: [sifting through crowd] Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi. [Scene: Jetway. The old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.] MAN: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel! [A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.] ROSS: Oh, hey, hey, I got that. [Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman (JULIE) kiss.] JULIE: Oh, thanks, sweetie. ROSS: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends. JULIE: Really? ROSS: Yeah. JULIE: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me? ROSS: No, no, they will. I just... uh... ROSS/JULIE: Can't wait. ROSS: Come on, they're gonna love you. [Scene: Close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]
doc_36
RED BEDROM RECORD Jamie is sitting at the piano singing "I don't want to be" with David Degraw himself besides him DAVID : Let me take this part. (David Degraw sings alone) DAVID : You're a cute kid. JAMIE : Thank you. DAVID : You're welcome. OUTSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE We see news papers throw at his door. Few days has passed INSIDE CLUB TRIC We see Lucas drinking in different clothes. IN THE STREET We see water balloons throw everywhere IN THE HOSPITAL Dan is at Reverend Carter bedside BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is looking at a board that says Angie has 8 more days with her. Then she goes play with her BROOKE : Hey, you. Whatcha got there? What's that? THE APARTMENT We see Deb sneaking out of Skills' bedroom MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth's boss is disregarding him NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley is waking up and finds Chester besides her instead of Nathan TREE HILL GYM Nathan is practicing alone NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Jamie is standing in front of the pool OUTSIDE CLOTHES OVER BROS Millicent arrives at work, avoiding water balloons, and looks at the roof before entering the store. She seems annoyed. LUCAS' BEDROOM Jamie is in front of Lucas who's still asleep, with a pillow over his head JAMIE : I think you drink too much. LUCAS : I think you're right. NATHAN : Damn. Think somebody got thrown through a plate-Glass window. Dude, it seriously smells like ass in here. JAMIE : And rotten cheese. LUCAS : Go away. JAMIE : Ew, and bad breath. LUCAS : I said, "go away." (Lucas throws away the pillow and we find out that he has a mohawk) JAMIE : Ho... NATHAN : Holy crap. LUCAS : What? NATHAN : Have you seen your head? LUCAS : Not lately. NATHAN : You have a mohawk. LUCAS : I do? (Jamie jumps on the bed and plays with Lucas' mohawk) JAMIE : Awesome. Can I get one, daddy? NATHAN : Sure, if you want to look goofy like your uncle Lucas. JAMIE : Kind of like he has a tail... just on his head. NATHAN : Jamie, why don't you go get Luke a bottle of water, huh? JAMIE : Okay. (Jamie leaves the room) NATHAN : I thought we were gonna see you at that school-Board hearing. LUCAS : Yeah. NATHAN : They suspended you, Luke. 10 games. LUCAS : There's only 11 left. NATHAN : Not for you. (Jamie comes back with the bottle) JAMIE : Here you go! NATHAN : All right, Jamie. Let's get going. JAMIE : Okay. Bye, uncle Lucas. Cool hair. (Jamie goes outside) NATHAN (to Jamie) : Wait for me right there, okay? (Nathan closes the door) NATHAN : Look, Luke... I know from experience whatever answers you're looking for... You're not gonna find them like this... Trust me. I know it sucks that Lindsey's dating, And it sucks that you grabbed that player, but don't make it worse. The darkness doesn't have any answers, Luke. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is in bikini, ready to go to the beach with Angie BROOKE : Okay, you silly rabbit. We're going to the beach. Yes, we are. Just me and my funny bunny. Did you hear that? Did you hear what I called you? Did you hear what mama... (Brooke stops, surprised by what she's just said. Then the phone rings) BROOKE (on the phone) : Hello? Yes, this is she. But... there must be some mistake. She has eight days left... But she's recovering from surgery, so... No, I understand... Okay. Bye-Bye. (Brooke hangs up) BROOKE (to Angie) : They want you to go home today. But that can't happen. LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas is looking at his mohawk in the mirror when Haley walks in HALEY : Oh, well, well. What...what is all this LUCAS : Not sure. HALEY : I would laugh if this whole thing wasn't such a mess. LUCAS : What whole mess? HALEY : You, your head... All of it. You and I are going for a drive. But, first, we're gonna fix the ferret above your face. LUCAS : Why? HALEY : We're taking a drive because I'm your best friend and you need me. And we are fixing your... Very punk-Rock haircut because I have a 5-Year-Old son who unfortunately wants to look just like his uncle Lucas. (Lucas sits on the chair and Haley starts shaving his head) NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Jamie are watching a basketball game on TV. Jamie has a mohawk too JAMIE : So, how's the comeback going? NATHAN : It's not a comeback. JAMIE : Quentin says it is. NATHAN : Quentin's wrong. And, by the way, nobody's sporting the faux hawk anymore, dude. JAMIE : I'm bringing it back. (Jamie makes a shoot in his small hoop with rolled-up socks) JAMIE : So, what team do you think you're gonna play for in the NBA? NATHAN : Jamie, come here... I know you're really excited about this, but... I'm probably never gonna play in the NBA. JAMIE : Sure, you will. NATHAN : Geez, kiddo. You're playing with rolled-Up socks? What happened to your ball? JAMIE : I lost it... I got to go feed Chester (Jamie leaves) INSIDE LUCAS' CAR Haley is with Lucas, who's driving. HALEY : I got to ask you something. Did you tell Peyton that you hated her? LUCAS : Maybe. I was a little wasted. HALEY : Luke, you can be such a jackass sometimes. She is in love with you. You probably broke her heart. LUCAS : Oh, I didn't break her heart. You're being dramatic. HALEY : I'm being dramatic. Stop here. LUCAS : The light's green. HALEY : Just stop. LUCAS : All right. We're sitting at a green light. Now what? (People starts honking) HALEY : Just wait for it. LUCAS : Haley, the light's green! Wait for what?! (At this time, a red water balloon smashed the windshield) HALEY : Kind of like Peyton's heart, don't you think? I'll be right back. You shouldn't stay here. (Haley leaves the car) LUCAS : Okay. THE ROOF OF CLOTHES OVER BROS Peyton is looking at the street, Haley arrives. HALEY : Hey. PEYTON : You said it made you feel better. HALEY : It's gonna be okay. Haley is alone, taking their predictions from the wall. When she's done, Lucas arrives. HALEY : All right. All clear, you goof. LUCAS : No Peyton? HALEY : No. You need to apologize to her. LUCAS : Hey, remember all the water-Balloon battles we used to have up here? HALEY : Don't change the subject. Actually, now that you mention it, it was junior year, the boy-Toy auction. We had that water-Balloon fight up here, and you saw my tattoo of Nathan's jersey number for the first time. LUCAS : You mean your slutty little tramp stamp. HALEY : I am so barely your friend right now. LUCAS : Sorry. HALEY : The point is, I was so scared that night. I was falling in love for the first time, and I was so unsure. But I did it. And while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything. (After a blank) HALEY : We're not kids anymore, Luke. You know... It really hurts me to watch what you're doing. LUCAS : Lindsey said no, Hales, I said yes. HALEY : Don't give me that, Luke. I'm being honest with you right now, and you need to be honest with yourself. What do you want? If Lindsey's the girl that you're in love with, great. If it's Peyton, great. If it's Brooke, just please... Stop hiding your heart... I mean it. (Haley leaves him alone) MOUTH'S OFFICE Millicent comes to see Mouth MILLICENT : Hi. How's your day? MOUTH : Well, I cleaned the bathroom, washed the news van, returned some shoes for the weather lady because apparently the straps cut into her "cankles," and they hired a new sports guy... Steve. MILLICENT : How about I buy you some lunch? Come on. THE HOSPITAL Dan arrives with flowers in Reverend Carter's room, who's unconscious DAN : Reverend Howard Carter. I did a little research. Man of faith, lived a good life. Tough run, though. Diabetes, stroke. You know, it's not exactly benevolent of you to lie there and take a heart that could be put to better use. In fact, it's really quite selfish. Don't you agree? (Dan grabs his head and makes him nod) DAN : "Yeah, I agree. Yes, I do." (A nurse enters the room) NURSE : Morning. DAN : Good morning. The reverend was looking a little uncomfortable. NURSE : Would you like to give him this pillow? DAN : Actually... I just might. NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan is watching by the terrace door. Deb comes home discreetly behind him NATHAN : Hey, look. It's my mom doing the walk of shame. Maybe we should hire a nanny for you. Out with a guy you met on a p0rn site. DEB : Not p0rn... Erotica. (Deb goes to her room and Nathan goes outside, where he finds Jamie's ball, inside the pool) Nathan comes to see Jamie in his room, who's with Chester NATHAN : Hey, buddy. Thought you might want to go for a swim. JAMIE : No, thanks. NATHAN : It's been a while. I don't think I've seen you in the pool since your accident. JAMIE : It's okay. I have to feed Chester. NATHAN : Jamie, are you afraid? JAMIE : No. I just don't want to. NATHAN : Are you sure? It might be fun. JAMIE : No, thank you. (Nathan puts Jamie's ball on his bed before leaving) DR COPELAND'S OFFICE Dr Copeland examines Angie COPELAND : Well, I think I found the problem. BROOKE : You did? COPELAND : Yes. Uh, you have an incredibly cute baby here, and you don't want to send her home. BROOKE : But are you sure she's well enough? COPELAND : Brooke, Angie's tough days are over, okay? And she was very brave about them. It's time for you to be brave. BROOKE : But I was supposed to have eight more days with her. We were supposed to go to the beach. COPELAND : Well, that's how the program works. They take the first flight available. Anyway, look, um... When the silence sets in... And it will... Be proud of this. Okay? You've done a great thing here, Brooke. But it's time for Angie to go home... Today. BROOKE : Yeah. TREE HILL GYM Nathan is practicing with Quentin. Jamie is watching QUENTIN : So you got something for me, man? NATHAN : Just shut up and check the ball, "Q." QUENTIN : Oh... Crossover's a little rusty, son. Huh? Fake this guy. Ha ha ha. Where that a.C.C. Game at, Nate? Hmm? First-Team all-American? NBA lottery? Huh? Ugh, up out of here, man. (Nathan tries to make a shot but Quentin stops it) NATHAN : Damn it! QUENTIN : The fadeaway, Nate? Really? Are you serious? The fadeaway is weak, man! Weak! Come on, man. Let's go again. NATHAN : No, man. I'm not feeling today. I'm done. QUENTIN : Hey, J. Scott... Why don't you run out in the hallway and get us some waters? JAMIE : Okay. (Jamie starts going) QUENTIN : Hey. You see any hot psycho nannies out there, You run back in here, okay? JAMIE : Not funny. (Jamie leaves) QUENTIN : What's going on, Nate? NATHAN : I'm just out of shape. QUENTIN : No, man. That ain't it. That is not it. Now, every day we do this, and every day you play soft. NATHAN : Well, maybe that's because I can't do this anymore. QUENTIN : Really? Maybe you just scared to, right? Huh? Easier to have your dream taken away than give it a shot and fail, right? NATHAN : I'm not scared. QUENTIN : Right? You not scared? Well, you playing scared. NATHAN : I'm not scared. QUENTIN : You playing scared! NATHAN (yelling) : I am not scared, man! (Jamie comes back and hears his father yelling. Nathan sees him) NATHAN'S CAR Jamie and Nathan get in the car after practice. Nathan is still angry JAMIE : I'm... I'm afraid to go in the pool, daddy. NATHAN : Yeah, but, uh... You went in the pool all the time before your accident, Jamie, and you loved it. You know you can still do it. JAMIE : I know. I'm just...scared. (After a blank) JAMIE : It's okay if you don't play anymore. NATHAN : Thanks, son. PEYTON'S OFFICE Haley enters the office. HALEY : I'm dying here. (Peyton doesn't answer) HALEY : You okay? PEYTON : Huh? Yeah. Uh, I-I just got a weird e-Mail from Mia saying she met this guy out on tour that said he knew Ellie. So it just caught me off guard... How come you're dying? HALEY : Oh, because I'm having trouble writing lyrics for this melody that you liked. PEYTON : Okay, what do you got so far? HALEY : So far I've got nothing. PEYTON : All right. How about... "I hate you, bitch. You ruined my life"? Does that do anything for you? HALEY : You know what? I do have some words for you, even though they're not mine. Lucas and I, we used to write our predictions every year before the school year started. Sort of what we hoped would happen. PEYTON : Lame. HALEY : You know you're jealous. PEYTON : Kind of. HALEY : Anyway, I'm gonna violate my friendship rule here because you're at, like, code red. (Peyton starts reading) HALEY : "Peyton sawyer will become Peyton Scott." That was, like, eighth grade. He got a little cocky sophomore year. "Make out with Peyton sawyer... or more." And, "this year, I'll talk to Peyton Sawyer." "Try again with Brooke... Brooke Davis." (Both laugh) HALEY : Well, that... But, you know, this is how much he doesn't hate you. It's a whole lifetime's worth. PEYTON : I know. I know. That's... That's what he writes. But what he says is a totally different story. HALEY : Sometimes people write the things that they can't say. LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas is putting parts of license plates on his wall. Someone knocks at the door. LUCAS : Come on in. It's open. (Lindsey comes in) LINDSEY : Hi. LUCAS : Hi. (Lindsey is looking at what Lucas was doing) LINDSEY : This is nice, Luke. LUCAS : Lindsey, what are you doing here? LINDSEY : Uh... I needed to talk to you about something, but... You wouldn't answer your phone. LUCAS : You look good. LINDSEY : You look hung over. LUCAS : Yeah, well... There's a girl I almost married started dating again. And after that, well, things just kind of went dark. (He laughs) LINDSEY : The book's done. LUCAS : Oh, come on. The... The ending needs work. I haven't even written a dedication yet. LINDSEY : You can e-Mail the dedication. (After a blank) LINDSEY : The book's done, Luke. It's perfect. So... I think this is goodbye. And goodbye shouldn't happen over the phone. (She kisses him on the check and starts leaving) LUCAS : Lindsey... Do you ever miss me? LINDSEY : I should go. (Lindsey leaves. We see Lucas' phone vibrating on the bureau, it's a voice mail from Brooke) BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is leaving the house with Angie and all her stuffs. She lets drop the purple monkey on her way out NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan comes to see Jamie in his bedroom NATHAN : What you doing, buddy? JAMIE : Looking at your trophies. NATHAN : You know, someday, you're gonna have your own trophies. JAMIE : Think so? NATHAN : Oh, yeah. I know so. Trophies, awards... Maybe even a monument. And then maybe someday you'll have a son of your own that's even greater than any award or accomplishment. Come here. Don't be afraid to be great, son. Okay? 'Cause you are. And the world isn't strong enough to beat James Lucas Scott. I promise. We love you. MOUTH'S OFFICE Millicent and Mouth come back from lunch. They walk by a new guy STEVE : Hi, I'm Steve, the new sports guy. MILLICENT : Hi, Steve. That's the better sports guy. OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE We see Jamie in his swim suit putting on his wings THE HOSPITAL Dan is at Reverend Carter bedside DAN : The truth is, I'm scared, okay? The countdown's on. And I've got to wait for this damn beeper to go off before I can get a heart... After you get one. You're the one who's lived a good life. I'm the one who needs time to make amends. So why don't you just take one for the team, huh? And if you do... I'll use my time for redemption. Okay? (Nothing happens) DAN : You suck, Carter. THE AIRPORT Brooke is about to let go Angie BROOKE : I love you, little girl, and I always will, okay? You're gonna have a great life. Don't forget me, okay? (Angie is crying. Brooke too) OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Haley are watching Jamie jumping in the pool JAMIE : I'm James Lucas Scott! (Nathan and Haley joins him in the pool) THE AIRPORT Angie is gone, Brooke turns around and sees Lucas BROOKE : You got my message. (Lucas nods) BROOKE : I told you not to come. LUCAS : I know. BROOKE : She's gone, Luke. LUCAS : I know. (Lucas takes her in his arms. Brooke burst into tears) OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE We see Nathan and Haley playing with Jamie in the pool THE RIVERCOURT We see Peyton painting a message MOUTH'S OFFICE We see Mouth kissing Millicent THE HOSPITAL We see Dan taking off the Reverend's oxygen mask and then looking at Jamie's note he had in his pocket. OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE They are all three still in the pool NATHAN : You did it, buddy. I knew you could. Come here. All right, you ready? JAMIE : Yeah! NATHAN : One... two, three. (Nathan throws Jamie) THE HOSPITAL Dan is holding a pillow in front of the Reverend, thinking of choking him. Then he changes his mind and just put the pillow under the Reverend head. DAN : Okay, Carter... It's up to you. But sometimes a guy just needs a sign there's some hope for him, you know? (Dan shows Carter Jamie's note) DAN : Hope. THE AIRPORT We see Lucas and Brooke leaving the airport MOUTH'S OFFICE Millicent and Mouth are alone in an office MOUTH : Thanks for the lunch, and telling the new sports guy off. But I should probably get back to being shunned. MILLICENT : I'm sorry it's so hard for you now. MOUTH : You know something? I stand by what I did. Luke was really hurting, and it just felt insidious somehow to broadcast that pain. (Jerry interrupts them) JERRY : Mouth, how many men's basketball championships has UCLA... MOUTH : Eleven (Jerry leaves) MOUTH : I don't know what to do now. MILLICENT : Omaha. MOUTH : Not without you. MILLICENT : Then I'll go, too. MOUTH : Really? You'd go with me? MILLICENT : Yes. I'd go anywhere with you, Marvin Mcfadden. (She kisses him) BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE We see Brooke sitting on her couch alone, sad, holding the purple monkey THE RIVERCOURT Lucas lights up the court and is surprised when he sees Peyton's drawing. A comet and few sentences "I will always love you - Peyton" INSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Jamie comes from the pool, followed by Deb. Haley is writing and Nathan is ready to go practie DEB : Jamie, you're tracking water all over the house! I can't get him out of that pool now. NATHAN : Dude, dry off and get your jersey on. We're going back to the gym. JAMIE : We are?! NATHAN : Yeah. Nathan and Jamie Scott. (Jamie leaves and Deb still follows him) DEB : Oh, Jamie! (Haley comes toward Nathan) HALEY : You know what? You still make my heart race. (Nathan laughs) HALEY : You do. I'm serious. Feel this. (She presses his hand against her chest) HALEY : And my heart is so full of pride and love and joy right now because of you. (They almost kiss but her cell phone rings) HALEY : It's my other boy. (He kisses her) NATHAN : All right. I'll see you. I love you. (He leaves) HALEY (on the phone) : Hey. THE RIVERCOURT Lucas is sitting on the court. Haley joins him HALEY : Wow. Very Peyton. (Lucas nods) LUCAS : Lindsey stopped by today. HALEY : She's here? LUCAS : Uh, not anymore. I had to go see Brooke. HALEY : The trifecta. How nice. What did Lindsey want? LUCAS : She wanted to tell me that my book's done. Well, everything except the dedication. She said I could e-Mail that to her. (After a blank) LUCAS : I'm thinking about... Taking off for a little while, you know? HALEY : Lucas, please stop running. Come on... You got to let go of this dark weight you're carrying around. LUCAS : This morning... Nathan told me the darkness doesn't have any answers. HALEY : He's right. You saw him after his accident. And look at him now. LUCAS : Yeah. HALEY : You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain Is actually really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage, and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you are wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief... Is not having it. THE AIRPORT Lindsey is on the phone WOMAN : hey, they want to do a conference call about the Lucas Scott galleys. LINDSEY : Okay, just, uh, have them call my cell. And then you should take off. Thanks. WOMAN : Hey, Lindsey, did you tell him? LINDSEY : No. Bye. (She hangs up and looks at her messages. She reads the dedication Lucas sent to her:"...to all those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love". Then she calls Lucas, crying, but reaches his voice mail) LINDSEY (to the voice mail) : Hi, Luke. Just got your dedication... and... I guess I'm one of those lost souls because... I lied to you. I said I was seeing someone, and I wasn't. The truth is... I was afraid of the immensity of your love, and I thought... Well, I just wanted you to know... You asked me if I miss you. Of course I miss you. That's all I do. THE RIVERCOURT Lucas is still there, alone, and he is on the phone. Probably with his voice mail BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is still sitting on the couch. Lucas enters. LUCAS : Hi. BROOKE : Hi. They're supposed to call me as soon as Angie's home safe. LUCAS : Where's Peyton? BROOKE : I don't know. Probably at work. I didn't tell her Angie was leaving for sure. LUCAS : And you told me not to come to the airport. Why? BROOKE : I don't like you guys to see me like this... Vulnerable. LUCAS : That's how I always see you, Brooke. And I think it's kind of beautiful. You know, um... I've been thinking about all the things you've done for... Angie and Rachel and me and... All kinds of people. You save people, Brooke Davis. It's what you do. Thanks for letting me share that. (After a blank) LUCAS : You call me when she's home safe, okay? (Lucas starts leaving) BROOKE : Hey, Luke. We've been through a lot... Me and you. I wouldn't have made it through today or a couple other days without you. So, thanks. LUCAS : You're welcome. BROOKE : This is for you. (She gives him the purple monkey) BROOKE : I love you, Lucas Scott. You know that? LUCAS : I love you, too, Brooke Davis. MOUTH'S OFFICE It's the rush at the studio, they're about to be on air BILL, MOUTH'S BOSS : Okay, come on, guys! Let's go! Let's go! Come on, come on, come on! Rick, where are your pants?! RICK : Coffee accident. BILL : Well, we can get them at the break. Jerry, we're gonna lead with the UCLA signing. Where is it? JERRY : Right here. BILL :All right. Let's get it done. (Jerry holds the paper to Steve) JERRY : You're all set. STEVE : I'm good. I got the prompter. JERRY : Uh, you sure? STEVE : Watch and be amazed. BILL :Okay, guys. Countdown begins. GUY : In 5, 4, 3, 2... Cue music. Go, camera one. Graphic out. And cue anchor. RICK : Good evening. I'm rick hunter. And this is the channel 11 evening news. It's national letter of intent day for big-Time college basketball programs. And Steve Gold is here with news of a local signing. Steve. STEVE : That's right, rick, big news out of masonboro, where local phenom shane Dorset has committed to play on the west coast at UCLA. BILL (to Mouth) : Could have been you. STEVE : Obviously the local powerhouses were disappointed, but Dorset cited UCLA's once proud legacy... (Steve stops as the prompter turns off) GUY : What's that? JERRY : The prompter's down. GUY : Uh, go to rick. GUY 2 : I-I don't think you want to do that. (We see Rick trying to put his pants on) GUT : Uh, have him fill. Steve, fill. STEVE (uncomfortable) : Um, as many of you know, UCLA's mascot is a bruin, um, which is kind of a cute bear. GUY : Oh, for god's sake! Where's the prompter?! JERRY : It's not up yet. BILL : Should we go to commercial? (Mouth takes the earphone) MOUTH (to Steve) : All right, say exactly what I say: "Dorset cited UCLA's legacy". (Steve is listening to his earphone) MOUTH : Just look at the camera and say, "Dorset cited UCLA's legacy." STEVE : Dorset cited UCLA's legacy. MOUTH : The bruins have 11 men's ncaa basketball championships... STEVE : The bruins have 11 men's ncaa basketball championships... MOUTH : ...which is more than any other school... STEVE : ...which is more than any other school... MOUTH : ...They won seven consecutive titles from 1966o 1974. STEVE : ...They won seven consecutive titles from 1966 to 1974... MOUTH : A streak that was broken by North Carolina state In one of the greatest final-Four games of all time. Of course, sports fans may remember the last big area signing was Tree Hill's Nathan Scott, who played locally at Tree Hill High, Gilmore College, and was ultimate a first-Team all-American at the university of Maryland... STEVE : ...and ultimately was a first-Team all-American... MOUTH : We'll be back after this. I'm... Say your name. STEVE : We'll be back after this. I'm say your name. GUY : And we're out. (Mouth gets a standing ovation. Everybody applause) MOUTH : Thank you. And for my encore... I quit. (Mouth leaves) PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is on the phone PEYTON : And it's the same guy that said he knew Ellie. Oh, Mia, if you see him tonight, can you have him call me? (Lucas enters the room) PEYTON : Hey, I got to go, okay? Bye. (She hangs up) LUCAS : I don't hate you. I remember the first time I ever saw you... All skinny arms and... Tangle mess of hair. It was hard letting you go, Peyton. You know, it... It was hard losing you, Peyton and it was hard seeing you again. And it's...still... Really hard. PEYTON : I know. While I'm asleep, I have this dream where... We're back in that hotel room in LA, and you proposed to me. And every single time, I say yes. LUCAS : It's just a dream, right? PEYTON : It's my dream. (Peyton is crying) LUCAS' BEDROOM We see Lucas finishing decorating his wall. He made the United States shape with license plates. Then he takes a bag and leaves the house RED BEDROOM STUDIO We see Haley recording her new song THE AIRPORT We see Lucas about to leave Tree Hill THE HOSPITAL Dan enters Reverend Carter's room, but the room is empty. A nurse enters the room NURSE : I'm sorry. He... They did all they could. DAN : I'd like to send flowers. NURSE : Well, if you want to leave your name and number... My name is Dan Scott, and my number is 1. TREE HILL GYM Nathan is practicing with Quentin again. Jamie is watching QUENTIN : Come on, Nate. NBA's a pipe dream, boy. You might as well give it on up. JAMIE : Come on, dad. You can do it. (Nathan finally makes a dunk) QUENTIN : My god. What the hell was that? NATHAN : I don't know. I just... I can do this. (Nathan laughs) NATHAN (to Jamie) : We gonna do this. OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL Dan is leaving the hospital, smiling, when an old man drops his cane. DAN : Oh, got it. (Dan gives it to him) DAN : Here you go. Let me give you a hand here. There you go. You folks be careful. You could get yourself killed out here. (Dan starts stepping back when he is hit by a car. Lying on the floor, his pager goes off) THE AIRPORT Lucas is sitting at the airport, thinking BROOKE (at her house) : Hello? PEYTON (in her office) : Hello? LINDSEY (in a cab) : Hello? Lucas is on the phone LUCAS : Hey, it's me. Look, I'm at the airport, and I've got two tickets to Las Vegas. Do you want to get married tonight?
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-[Real World]- (Henry is in a convenience store by the comic books. He's flipping through one when a girl, who is roughly Henry's age, approaches him.) Ava: Whatcha reading? Henry: The Hulk versus Wolverine. Ava: I'm Ava. I think I've seen you around school. You're in Miss Blanchard's class, right? (Henry nods. Another boy close to their age walks up to Ava.) Nicholas: Almost ready, Ava? Ava: This is my brother, Nicholas. Nicholas: Hi. Come on - let's go. Ava: You want to come hang out? Henry: Sure! (The three go to leave the store, but are stopped by the owner.) Mr. Clark: Where the hell do you think you're going? Open up your bag. Henry: What? Mr. Clark: Don't think I didn't see you rob me. Open your bag. Henry: I didn't take anything. (Mr. Clark takes Henry's bag and looks through it. He pulls out a fistful of candy.) Mr. Clark: And a liar, too. Henry: That's why you were talking to me. So your brother could put that stuff in there. Mr. Clark: Henry... I'm shocked. And you two - just who do you think you are? -[Fairy Tale World]- (In the forest, a man is hacking at a tree with an axe until he manages to topple it. Gretel and Hansel appear from behind another tree.) Father: Ah! A fine specimen. The wood it provides will keep our family's hearth warm this winter. Gretel: Can't I have an axe? Father: Huh? Gretel: You did say you wanted me here so I could help. Father: That I did. So, here's your task - take the cart, go fill it with kindling. The drier the better. Gretel: Okay. Father: And have your brother accompany you. Gretel: Okay. (Gretel picks up the end of the cart and goes to leave.) Father: Wait! (The Father removes the compass from around his neck and places it over Gretel's head.) Father: Take this. Gretel: Your compass? Father: So you don't get lost. A family always needs to be able to find one another. Gretel: Yeah. Father: Okay. Go. Be safe. (Hansel and Gretel take the cart and go deeper into the woods.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Hansel and Gretel are still collecting kindling for their father. Hansel has a slingshot and is shooting rocks into the forest.) Gretel: It's getting late. We should go. (She takes his slingshot.) Hansel: Hey! Give it back. Come on, Gretel! Give it back. Gretel: No, Hansel. We need to get back to Father. Hansel: Fine. Gretel: Follow me. (Gretel leads them to the area where their father was cutting down trees. However, there is no one there.) Gretel: This is where we left him. Hansel: So why isn't he here? Gretel: Father! Hansel: Father! (They hear a noise in the distance and start running in that direction.) Gretel: Father! Father! Father! (They end up coming to a road that cuts through the woods. When they turn to head down it, they encounter several of the Evil Queen's guards on horseback, as well as the Evil Queen's carriage. Two of the guards drag Hansel and Gretel to the carriage. The Evil Queen steps out.) Evil Queen: What are you doing in my forest? -[Real World]- (Mr. Clark, Regina, Henry, Ava and Nicholas are at the convenience store.) Mr. Clark: Well, I'm sorry, Madam Mayor, but your son was shoplifting. Regina: Were you? (Henry shakes his head.) Mr. Clark: Look for yourself. Regina: My son doesn't eat candy. And he knows better than to steal. It was obviously those two. We're going. (Regina and Henry head for the door. Emma walks in just before they get a chance to leave.) Emma: Henry. What happened? Regina: Miss Swan, must I remind you that genetics mean nothing. You're not his mother and it's all taken care of. Emma: I'm here because I'm the Sheriff. Regina: Oh, that's right. Go on - do your job. Take care of those miscreants. (Regina and Henry leave the store.) Emma: Did you call their parents? Mr. Clark: Uh, the number they gave me was disconnected. Emma: Did you guys give Mr. Clark a fake number? (Ava and Nicholas shake their heads.) Emma: Then why's it disconnected? Ava: Cause our parents couldn't pay the bill. Emma: And you guys are just trying to help out, huh? Ava: Please - please don't arrest us. It will just make things worse for our parents. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Hansel, Gretel, and the Evil Queen are still on the road in the forest.) Gretel: Please forgive us. We didn't mean to bother you, we just... We just lost our father. Evil Queen: Two helpless children. Lost and alone. A family torn asunder. Such a sad and moving story. Guards - seize them! (Gretel takes out Hansel's slingshot.) Gretel: Hansel, run! (Hansel runs into the forest. Gretel flings a rock at the approaching guard, which disorientates him enough for her to get away. Gretel follows Hansel into the forest. The guard starts to chase after them, but the Evil Queen stops him. Hansel and Gretel are running up a hill, when the Evil Queen dissipates and appears in front of them.) Evil Queen: Running from me is foolish. (Hansel and Gretel attempt to get away, but the Evil Queen summons a group of vines to catch them. The vines wrap around them, leaving them immobilized on the ground.) Evil Queen: Foolish, but also brave. And that bravery may just have saved you and your family's lives. (The Evil Queen vanquishes the vines.) Gretel: You... You're letting us go? Evil Queen: Oh, I'm doing so much more than that. I'm going to find your father. Hansel: You are? Gretel: Why? Evil Queen: Because you two are going to do something for me. Gretel: And then, you'll take us home? -[Real World]- (Emma pulls up to Nicholas and Ava's house.) Emma: This it? (Ava nods. Emma takes off her seatbelt and goes to get out of the car, but Ava stops her.) Ava: Please, no. If our parents see you, they'll be so embarrassed. Emma: Did Henry tell you about my superpower? Ava: We just met him. Emma: I have the ability to tell when anyone is lying. Tell me the truth - money problems aside, is everything okay at home? Ava: Yeah, we're great. Can we go? Emma: Alright. (Ava and Nicholas get out of the car with a bag of stuff and go up the stairs of the house. They stop at the front door, turn around, and wave at Emma. Emma drives off.) Ava: She's gone. We're good. (They don't go inside the house, and instead go back down the stairs. They go around back, where they jump a fence. They end up behind an abandoned house, which they enter through the basement. Inside, Ava unpacks the things they picked up from store and Nicholas sits on the bed. Suddenly, they hear a noise coming from upstairs. When they go to investigate, they end up finding Emma.) Emma: Why'd you guys lie to me? Where are your parents? Ava: We don't have any. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mary Margaret's apartment, Ava and Nicholas are eating at the table, while Emma and Mary Margaret talk off to the side. Emma is holding a file about the kids.) Emma: Do you know them? Do they go to your school? MMB: I've seen them, but... I had no idea. None of us did. (Emma opens the file she's holding.) Emma: Ava and Nicholas Zimmer. They said their mother was a woman named Dory Zimmer. She died a few years ago. No one seems to know her or remember her. MMB: And the father? Emma: There isn't one. At least not one that they know. MMB: What does, uh... What does Social Services say? (Emma gives Mary Margaret a look.) MMB: You didn't report them. Emma: I report them, I can't help them. They go into the system. MMB: The system that's supposed to help. Emma: Yeah, the system I knew and was in for sixteen years. Do you know what happens? They get thrown into homes where they are a meal ticket - nothing more. These families get paid for these kids and as soon as they're too much work, they get tossed out and it all starts over again. MMB: But they're not all like that. Emma: All the ones I was in. MMB: What? We're just going to adopt them? Emma: I want to look for their father. They don't know him. He may not know they exist. MMB: And you think if he knows, he'll want them? Emma: I don't know. But what I do know, is it's hard enough finding foster families to take one kid that isn't theirs, let alone two. It's their best shot, or- (Ava, who was eavesdropping, interrupts. She is in tears.) Ava: We're going to be separated? Emma: No. That's not going to happen. Ava: Please - please don't let it. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma enters the office of Mr. Krzyszkowski.) Emma: Excuse me. Mr...Krzyszkowski? Mr. Krzyszkowski: Yeah, it's Krzyszkowski. Everyone calls me K. Emma: Mr. K. I am Sheriff Swan. I'm hoping to look at the birth certificates of Ava and Nicholas Zimmer. Mr. Krzyszkowski: Alright, just, uh, fill out this form - in triplicate. (He pulls out three identical forms.) Emma: Okay. (Emma starts to fill out the forms, while Mr. Krzyszkowski looks through a filing cabinet.) Mr. Krzyszkowski: I'm so sorry. Those documents have been recently removed. Emma: By who? [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma confronts Regina in Regina's office.) Regina: Don't worry, Miss Swan. You can relax. I've contacted Social Services. Turns out these kids are on their own. They need help. Emma: Which is exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to find their father. Regina: Well, he doesn't exist. (Regina hands Emma a file.) Emma: He has to. (Emma opens the file. The Father section of the birth certificate only has 'Unknown' written in it.) Regina: Well, of course, biologically, he exists. But there's no record of him. Which means we have no choice - these children need a home, so they will be put into the foster system. Emma: Storybrooke has a foster system? Regina: No, but I've contacted the state. Maine's group homes, unfortunately, are filled. But they put us in touch with two homes in Boston - a boy's home and a girl's. Emma: They're separating them? Regina: I don't like it, either. But we've got no choice. You need to have them in Boston tonight. Emma: Me? Regina: Well, you wanted to be Sheriff. This is what sheriffs do. Yes, you're taking them. Emma: No. I promised them they wouldn't be separated. Regina Well then, perhaps you should stop making promises you can't keep. These children need a home. I'm just trying to find the best one. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen, Hansel, and Gretel are walking through the woods. Gretel is fiddling with her compass.) Evil Queen: What is that? Gretel: My father's compass. He gave it to me so I could find him, but now it's broken. When are you going to tell us where we're going? Evil Queen: This is close enough. Gretel: Close enough to what? Evil Queen: The home of the Blind Witch. Hansel: That doesn't sound good. Evil Queen: She has something of mine. And I need you to get it back. Gretel: What is it? Evil Queen: Something I need to defeat a very wicked and powerful enemy. It's kept in a black leather satchel inside her house. Gretel: Well, why don't you get it yourself? How come you need us? Evil Queen: Because the house is protected by magic. I can't enter. But, luckily, the spell doesn't work on children. You'll have to wait here until nightfall. And then, once the witch is asleep, you can sneak in. Gretel: And if we do this, you promise you'll find our father? Evil Queen: Oh, indeed, I will. But there's one more thing - the witch's house is...unique. And because of this, you have to take special precaution once you're inside. Gretel: Like what? Evil Queen: No matter what you do, no matter how you're tempted - don't eat anything. (The Evil Queen pulls back a branch, revealing the Blind Witch's gingerbread house.) -[Real World]- (Emma is in her office at the station. She has a pile of files and papers on her desk, which she's sorting through. Henry, who has his book with him, enters the room.) Henry: Any luck? Emma: No. (He puts the book on the desk and flips through it.) Henry: I know who they are. They're brother and sister, lost, no parents - Hansel and Gretel. Emma: Anything in there about the dad? Henry: Just that he abandoned them. Emma: Great. Sounds like a familiar story. Whoever this guy is, he could be in Laos by now. Henry: No, he's here. Emma: Just how do you know that? Henry: Cause no one leaves Storybrooke. No one comes here, no one goes. It's just the way it is. Emma: I came here. Henry: Because you're special. You're the first stranger here - ever. Emma: Right - I forgot. Well, if he's around here anywhere, I'm going to find him. Henry: Can you tell me about him? Emma: I don't know anything yet. Henry: Not their father - mine. I told you about your parents and now, you're even living with your mom. Emma: Mary Margaret isn't... She's... Never mind. Henry: Please? Emma: I was pretty young. I'd just gotten out of the foster system and the only job I could get was at this twenty four hour diner just off the interstate. And, um... Your dad was training to be a fireman. He always got the worst shifts, so he'd come in and order coffee and pie and sit at the counter and always complain that we didn't sell pumpkin pie. But he always came back the next night anyway. Henry: Did you get married? Emma: Oh, no. Nothing like that. We just... We hung out a few times outside of work and...life happened. His got better and mine got worse and... I got into some trouble. Henry: And you went to jail. Emma: Yeah. Before I went, I... I found out I was pregnant with you. And I tried to contact him, and I found out that he died saving a family from a burning apartment building. So, you think I'm a saviour, Henry - he was. Your father was a real hero. Henry: Do you have anything of his? Something you can remember him by. Something I could see. Emma: I... I don't. Henry, I'm sorry. I got to go. I may know how to find this guy. [SCENE_BREAK] (Ava and Nicholas are eating cookies at Mary Margaret's. Emma comes downstairs with a box.) Emma: I want to show you guys something. (Emma pulls a blanket out of the box.) Nicholas: What's that? Emma: It's my baby blanket. It's something I've held onto my whole life. That's the only thing that I have from... From my parents. I've spent a lot of time with a lot of kids in your situation, and all of them - all of us - we held onto stuff. I want to find your father, but I need your help. Is there anything of his you've held onto? Ava: I might have something. But if I give it to you, you'll make sure we stay together, right? Emma: Right. (Ava pulls a compass on a chain out of her pocket and hands it to Emma.) Emma: A compass. Ava: Our mom kept it. She said it was our dad's. Emma: Thank you. Ava: Did you find them? Emma: Who? Ava: Your parents. Emma: Not yet. But I'm going to find yours. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Hansel and Gretel are outside the gingerbread house. Hansel goes to eat icing off the side of the house, but Gretel stops him. Gretel opens one of the windows, and the two enter. Inside, there is a table full of sweets. The two whisper to each other.) Hansel: How can you be sure she's sleeping? Gretel: I can't. And remember what the Queen said - not even a lick. (They see the Blind Witch asleep by the fireplace, along with the leather satchel hanging on the wall.) Hansel: You're right. Look. Gretel: And there's the satchel. Hansel: What do you think's inside it? Gretel: Does it matter? All that matters, is getting it to the Queen so she can find Father. (Gretel goes to grab the bag. Hansel, who stays behind by the table of sweets, picks up a cupcake. Gretel removes the bag from its hook, but when she turns around, she sees Hansel take a bite of the cupcake. The Blind Witch awakens. There's a pile of bones at her feet. Hansel and Gretel run for the exit, but the Blind Witch magically locks the door. They try the window, but they are locked, as well.) Blind Witch: I smell dinner. -[Real World]- (Emma enters Mr. Gold's pawn shop. Mr. Gold is at the counter polishing a lamp.) Mr. Gold: Emma. How lovely to see you. I'm flattered you'd take time off your busy schedule for me. What could I do for you, Sheriff? Emma: I'm looking for information on this old compass. Any idea where it could have come from? Mr. Gold: Well, well. Look at the detail. You know, this is crystal. This jeweled setting... In despite the rather unfortunate shape it's in, this is actually a very unusual piece. The person who owned this obviously had great taste. Emma: And where would someone like that buy it? Mr. Gold: Right here, of course. Emma: You know him? Mr. Gold: Indeed. A piece like this is difficult to forget. Emma: Do you happen to remember who bought it? Mr. Gold: Well, I'm good with names, Miss Swan, but maybe not that good. However, as luck would have it, I do keep quite extensive records. (He walks over to a small filing cabinet on the counter and looks through it.) Mr. Gold: And... Yes, here we are. (Mr. Gold pulls out an index card. However, he doesn't read it to Emma.) Emma: What's your price? Mr. Gold: Forgiveness. Emma: How about tolerance? Mr. Gold: Well, that's a start. The compass was purchased by a Mr. Michael Tillman. Emma: Anything else? Mr. Gold: Just a name. But I generally find that's all that one needs. (Emma goes to leave the shop.) Mr. Gold: Good luck with your investigation. (Emma leaves. The camera pans to the index card, which turns out to be blank.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma has found Michael at a garage, where he works as a mechanic. He reads the kids' file and looks at their pictures.) Michael: Not possible. Emma: Actually, it is. Michael: Well, I'm sorry, but Dory - she wasn't my, um... It was just once. Emma: Sometimes, that's all it takes. Michael: I met her when I was camping and we, um... No. It's not possible. I don't have twins. Emma: Yes, you do. You have twins that have been homeless ever since their mother passed away. You have twins who have been living in an abandoned house because they don't want to be separated from each other. You have twins who are about to be shipped off to Boston, unless you step up and take responsibility for them. Michael: Look - I can barely manage this garage. I can't manage two kids. And why are you so sure they're mine? Emma: Besides the timing... (Emma pulls out the compass.) Emma: Have you ever seen this? Michael: I lost this. Emma: Let me guess - twelve years and nine months ago? I know it's a lot - believe me, I know. A month ago, a kid showed up on my doorstep - I gave up for adoption - asking for help with...something. And I ended up moving here for him. Michael: I heard about that - it's the Mayor's son. But staying in town is... It's a lot different than taking him in. Emma: I don't have my kid because I don't have a choice. You do. Those kids did not ask to be brought into this world. You brought them into this world - you and their mother. And they need you. And if you choose not to take them, you are going to have to answer for that every day of your life. And sooner or later, when they find you - because believe me, they will find you - you're going to have to answer to them. Michael: I'm really sorry. I am. I don't know anything about being a dad. If it's a good home you're looking for, it's not with me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry, Ava and Nicholas are baking at Mary Margaret's. The phone rings and Mary Margaret answers it.) MMB: Hello? Emma: Hey, it's me. I need you to come outside right away. MMB: Is everything okay? Emma: Don't say anything in front of the kids, but no, it's not. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Mary Margaret meet outside.) Emma: He doesn't want the kids. MMB: And you don't want to tell them. Emma: I can't. Because all I'll be telling them is that the false hope I gave them is exactly that. MMB: The truth can be painful, Emma, but it can also be cathartic. Emma: I agree with the painful part. MMB: Well, hey, look - you told Henry the truth that his father's dead and he's handling it great. Emma: I didn't tell him the truth. MMB: What? Emma: Henry's father was no hero and trust me - he does not need to know the real story. Maybe we can hide the kids. Just until we can find a family for them. Someone to take care of them. MMB: Yes, hiding the twelve year olds is a good plan. Emma: You have a better idea? MMB: Emma, maybe there isn't an idea. Maybe you just have to- (Regina approaches the two on the sidewalk.) Regina: Sheriff. Shouldn't you be on the interstate? Emma: What are you doing here? Regina: Seeing to it that you do your job. Emma: You know, you don't have to check up on me. I know what I have to do. Regina: Really? Because those kids are supposed to be in Boston tonight. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Blind Witch locks Hansel and Gretel in a cage. She sticks her arms through the bars and feels around for them.) Blind Witch: Where are you? (The Blind Witch grabs Hansel's arm.) Blind Witch: Oh, yes. Nice and tender. A succulent roast, you'll make. (The Blind Witch walks away from the cage and walks over to the oven. She opens the oven's door and sticks her hand inside to test the temperature. In the cage, Hansel and Gretel whisper to each other.) Hansel: Gretel, she's going to cook me! We've got to do something - quick! Gretel: Stay calm. When she opens the cage to get you, don't try to fight. And while she's carrying you to the oven, grab the key that's in her pocket and toss it to me through the bars. Hansel: She's coming. She's coming - I can't do it! I'm going to die! (She approaches the cage.) Blind Witch: Gravy or butter? Which shall it be? (The Blind Witch sticks her hand through the bar and feels Gretel's face. Gretel kicks Hansel and he yells out in pain, causing the Blind Witch to think Gretel is Hansel. The Blind Witch unlocks the cage door and pulls Gretel out.) Blind Witch: Come with me, little boy. (Gretel steals the key to the cage from the Blind Witch's pocket and throws it to Hansel. Hansel unlocks the cage and frees himself. He runs up a short set of stairs and grabs a pole for a weapon. He ends up tripping on the stairs, which alerts the Blind Witch.) Blind Witch: Gravy or butter? Gravy or butter? How shall I baste you? (Hansel raises the pole in his hands, but the Blind Witch magically whisks it away. She approaches Hansel.) Blind Witch: Butter it is. Time to cook. (The Blind Witch grabs Hansel and drags him towards the oven. However, Gretel manages to undo the rope on her wrists and pushes the Blind Witch onto the cooking tray. Hansel and Gretel slide the Blind Witch into the oven and shut the door.) Hansel: Quick, Gretel! Lock her in! (Hansel grabs the leather satchel from its hook and the two run towards the exit.) Blind Witch: Let me out! (Hansel and Gretel escape the gingerbread house. The Blind Witch continues to yell at them.) Blind Witch: Let me out! You come back right now! Let me out! Let me out! (The Evil Queen sees the Blind witch in the oven through her magic mirror. She casts a fireball through the mirror, burning the Blind Witch.) Evil Queen: I would've gone gravy. [SCENE_BREAK] (A guard escorts Hansel and Gretel to the Evil Queen at her castle.) Evil Queen: My dear children. Were you successful in your task? Gretel: Yes, Your Majesty. Though, we were almost made into dinner. Evil Queen: Oh. How barbaric. (The Evil Queen summons the guard away.) Evil Queen: Now, if I could have my satchel. (Gretel hands her the bag.) Evil Queen: I've waited a very long time for this. Let's hope you didn't let me down. (The Evil Queen opens the bag and pulls out an apple.) Evil Queen: You did it. Gretel: Yeah, we did. Evil Queen: You've got a strong heart, girl. You remind me of myself at your age. Hansel: We did all that for an apple? Evil Queen: Oh, trust me, dear boy. This is not just an apple. It's a weapon. A weapon for a very particular and devious enemy. One who's still under the illusion that she's safe. (The Evil Queen walks over to the vanity, where she puts the apple in a box.) Gretel: Whatever your plan is, we did what you asked. Now you have to keep your promise and find our father. Evil Queen: Of course. To reunite your family, so you can live happily ever after. You were left alone in the woods. You deserve better than a father who would abandon you. Gretel: But he's all we have. Evil Queen: Perhaps, he doesn't have to be. Gretel: What do you mean? Evil Queen: You and your brother have impressed me. You aren't the first boy or girl that I've sent into that...sticky sweet house. But, you are the first to emerge. And as a reward, I've decided to invite the two of you to live with me. Here. Hansel: You mean that we get to live in a castle? Evil Queen: Yes. You would have your own rooms, of course. Personal carriages - valets, too. All of your dreams could come true. Gretel: No. We want our father back. He would never abandon us. And even if he did, we would never want to live with someone as terrible as you. Evil Queen: Is that so? Gretel: Yes. We're going to find him, with or without your help. And when we do, we're going to prove you wrong. Evil Queen: We'll see about that. (The Evil Queen casts a spell, which creates a purple tornado around Hansel and Gretel.) Hansel: Gretel? What's happening? -[Real World]- (Emma, Ava, and Nicholas are next to Emma's squad car, while Regina and Henry watch from a distance. Emma opens the door to the car and gestures for them to get in.) Emma: Come on. It's going to be... Here. (Emma gives Ava back her compass.) Emma: I'm sorry, but we got to go. (Ava and Nicholas get in the car.) Regina: Let's go, Henry. (Regina puts her hand on Henry's shoulder, but he shrugs her off and runs over to Emma's window.) Henry: No, you can't take them! They can't leave Storybrooke, Emma! They can't. Something bad will happen. Emma: Something bad has already happened. (Emma and the kids drive off.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Ava, and Nicholas are driving along the road that leads out of Storybrooke. Suddenly, the car starts slowing and the engine starts malfunctioning. They pull off on the side of the road.) Emma: You've got to be kidding me. Ava: What happened? What's wrong? Emma: Engine's stalled. Ava: Who are you calling? Emma: Help. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen watches Snow White through her magic mirror. She appears to be in the forest with several dwarves.) Evil Queen: Now she's cavorting with dwarves? When did that happen? (A guard enters the room.) Guard: Your Majesty. The prisoner you requested is here. Evil Queen: Bring him in. (Two other guards drag in Hansel and Gretel's father. He is shackled.) Father: I demand to be released. My children are in that forest that you took me from - alone. They could be in great danger. Evil Queen: Yes, I know all about your children. That compass you gave sweet, little Gretel... Well, I'm afraid it didn't help her find you now, though, did it? Father: What have you done with them? You tell me where they are! Evil Queen: Gone. I told them you abandoned them, leaving nothing but a compass to find their way. But I didn't bring you here to answer your questions. You're here to answer mine. I offered your children everything - whatever their hearts desired - and they still chose uncertainty because of their blind faith in you. Tell me why. Hm? Why did your children refuse me? Father: Because we're a family. And family always finds one another. Evil Queen: Release him. Father: You're letting me go? Evil Queen: You can all be together, as a family, as soon as you all find one another. [SCENE_BREAK] (Hansel and Gretel are laying next to each other, unconscious, in the woods. Gretel wakes up first and shakes Hansel awake.) Gretel: Hansel, wake up! Hansel! (The two stand up and look around.) Gretel: She let us go. Hansel: I'm scared. Gretel: Don't be. Everything will be fine. (Gretel takes Hansel's hand and the two start walking. The camera zooms out, revealing that they are in the middle of nowhere in a huge forest.) -[Real World]- (Emma is waiting for help outside of the squad car, while Ava and Nicholas sit in the back seat.) Ava: Nicholas, look! (The compass moves and appears to be working again. A tow truck pulls over to assist them. The driver, who ends up being Michael, gets out of the truck. He sees Ava and Nicholas, who are looking out the back window of the car.) Michael: Those are them. Emma: Those are them. Michael: And your car - it's fine? Emma: I just wanted you to see 'em. Just once. I didn't think I could do it, either. I gave up Henry because I wanted to give him his best shot. When I saw that he didn't have it, I couldn't leave. I was just as scared - more, probably. But once I saw him, got to know him, I couldn't go back. Michael: You're taking them? To Boston. Emma: I don't have to. Michael: No, you don't. (Michael walks up to the side of the car, where they roll down the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret is folding clothes in her room when Emma enters.) MMB: Hey. What happened? Emma: Their dad - he showed up. Changed his mind. MMB: Changed his mind? Just like that? Emma: He might have had a little nudge. MMB: They found their father. That's great. Emma: I wonder what that would be like? MMB: Maybe you'll find out. You can't give up. Emma: I don't know. I kind of think giving up might be the best plan. I think I need to let go. MMB: No, you don't. Emma: Really? If they wanted to know me, they wouldn't make it so hard to look. MMB: Maybe. But maybe there's other reasons. Maybe there is an explanation. Emma: If there is, it's something crazy. Something even crazier than Henry's theory. MMB: Yeah? What's Henry's theory? Emma: Well, that my parents put me in a magical wardrobe and sent me to this world to save them. MMB: Aw. And who does he think they are? Emma: Well, for one, you. MMB: Me? Emma: Well, Snow White. MMB: Snow White has a kid? Emma: Apparently that book you gave him? Not exactly the stories in the most traditional sense. MMB: I have a kid. You'd think I'd remember that. Emma: Yeah, you'd think. MMB: You do kind of have my chin. Emma: I think I need to go get some air. (Emma gets up and leaves the room. Mary Margaret follows her.) Emma: I'm going to go think. MMB: If you're going to be back later, I can wait to eat with you? Emma: No, don't do that. MMB: I'll leave you leftovers. (Emma heads for the door and Mary Margaret notices Emma's baby blanket in a box.) MMB: What a pretty blanket. Emma: Thanks. Goodnight. (Emma leaves. Mary Margaret picks up the blanket and smells it. She pauses, but puts it down.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is reading her file in the car. One article reads 'Still no leads on deadbeat parents - baby Emma remanded to foster system' and another reads '7 year old boy finds baby on side of road'. Henry walks up to the car with a box in hand.) Henry: Uh, what's that? Emma: Just an old file. What's up? Henry: Pumpkin pie. I... I thought you'd like some. It was pumpkin, right? Emma: Right. (Emma gets out of the car to meet with Henry.) Emma: Henry, about your father... Henry: Yeah? Emma: I'm glad I told you. Henry: Me too. (Henry hugs Emma.) Emma: Give me that. (She takes the box from Henry.) Henry: What you did - with Ava and Nicholas - you really are changing things. (The sound of an engine is heard in the distance. A man on a motorcycle turns the corner and parks across from Emma and Henry. There is a large wooden box on the back of his motorcycle. He takes off his helmet and approaches Emma and Henry.) August: Hi. Emma: Hey. August: Is this Storybrooke? Emma: Yeah. August: Any place to get a room around here? Henry: Uh, you're staying? August: That's the plan. Just looking for a bed. Emma: Granny's Bed and Breakfast is just up the road - another two blocks. August: Thank you. (He turns around and walks back to his motorcycle.) Emma: Hey, I didn't catch your name. August: Well, that's because I didn't give it. (He drives off, leaving Emma and Henry alone.) Emma: I thought you said strangers don't come to Storybrooke? Henry: They don't. -[End]-
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[Gilbert's house] (Elena is sleeping. Jonas is in the bathroom, looking at her. She hears noise so she wakes up suddenly. She gets up and goes outside her bedroom. She looks everywhere. She hears a noise behind her so she turns herself and sees Alaric, naked. He has a bowl in his hands) Alaric: Elena Elena: I heard something (Jenna arrives. They're uncomfortable) Jenna: That was us. I'm sorry (Jonas is in Elena's bedroom. He takes Elena's hair from her hairbrush and some of other stuff, including a picture of her) Alaric: Well, I'm naked so I'm gonna go (He leaves and goes in Jenna's bedroom) Jenna: I'm really really sorry Elena: It's okay, Jenna. Don't worry about it Jenna: I know he's been staying over a lot. Are you sure it's okay? Elena: Seems like things are good Jenna: They are extremely good Elena: Then I'm extremely okay with that (She goes in her bedroom and lay on her bed. Jonas is waiting in the bathroom. Once she's closed her eyes, he goes outside the bathroom and leaves the house) [The tomb] (Stefan and Damon are going under the church ruins to talk to Katherine) Damon: Let's to it (They open the tomb's door) [Gilbert's house] (Elena opens the door. Stefan and Damon are here) Stefan: Hey, can we talk? Elena: Why? Damon: We went to see Katherine Elena: Come on in (They enter the house) [The tomb] (The door of the tomb is opened) Katherine: Please, come on in. There's many room for all of us Damon: I rather poke my eyes out Katherine: Hmm, there are such pretty eyes Stefan: We're here for the moonstone Damon: Feel like tossing it over? Katherine: Tell you what, you get a little witch to hocus pocus me out of here and you get whatever you want Stefan: I thought you liked it in here. Nice and safe where Klaus can't get to you Katherine: I've time to reconsider Damon: Meaning you're hungry Katherine: I'm starving, Damon and dirty but above all, I'm bored. At least running from Klaus was not boring so here the deal: you get me out of here, you get the moonstone and I'll disappear from Mystic Falls forever. Let me know what you decide (She shows them the moonstone and leaves) [Gilbert's house] (Elena, Damon and Stefan are in the kitchen) Elena: You don't believe her, do you? Damon: No, of course not. We just want the moonstone Stefan: According to Rose's friend Slater, there's the way to destroy the spell that Klaus wants to break Damon: No spell, no doppelganger sacrifice so ergo you live Elena: How do you destroy it? Stefan: By releasing it from the moonstone Elena: How do you guys even know this is gonna work? Damon: 'cause we have a crafty witch on our side Elena: You discussed with Bonnie Stefan: She agreed to do anything she could to help us Elena: It's Katherine who has the moonstone. She's not gonna give it to you Stefan: We're gonna get it from her Damon: Well, what he means to say is we will pray for her cold dead head if we have to Stefan: Bonnie just needs to find a way to release the seal long enough for us to get in, get the moonstone and get out in time for her to return it Elena: Whoa, seems like you guys have already all planned out Damon: Yep, we're awesome Elena: Except for one thing. I don't want you to do it Stefan: What are you talking about? Elena, we don't have a choice Elena: What about Klaus? Stefan: We'll find him right after we get the moonstone Elena: Is that before or after that he kills everyone that I care about, including the two of you (She looks at Damon. He seems stunned) Stefan: Elena, if we can dispel the moonstone, we can save your life Elena: I know, everybody keeps saying that (She leaves. They look at each other) [Mystic Falls' high school] (Bonnie is talking with Luka) Luka: So your grams waited you were in high school to tell you that you're a witch? Bonnie: She brought it up before but I just thought she was drunk. In my defense, she was Luka: So then you're like new Bonnie: Newish. I still have some growing pains Luka: Like? Bonnie: Physically it's becoming a lot harder. I have a bad reaction to it sometimes Luka: Your noise bleeds? Bonnie: Yeah and I pass out sometimes Luka: It's because you're trying to do too much on your own. You need help Bonnie: From what? Luka: From nature, the elements. Just things you could dry your power from. Do you have channel to another witch before? Bonnie: What is that? Luka: Say we put our energy together and we can double our strength. I'll show you. Let me see that bracelet (She gives him her bracelet and he gives her his army necklace) Luka: I want you to stand very still and concentrate Bonnie: I don't get it Luka: I know Bonnie: What are we doing? Luka: We're channeling. They're personal idioms we activate as talisman. Now concentrate (She closes her eyes, reopens it and looks at him) Bonnie: What is that? (He smiles and closes his eyes. The wind is strong. The leafs fly. Everyone runs because there is a lot of wind. Bonnie and Luka are still and have their eyes closed. They open their eyes again. They smile) (She laughs. Jeremy arrives) Jeremy: What's with that weather, uh? Luka: It's global warming man. I don't know. I got to go. See you later Bonnie Bonnie: Bye Luka (She smiles) Luka: Bye (He smiles and leaves) Jeremy: The guy is weird, uh? Bonnie: No he's not (She still has Luka's necklace in his hands. Her phone rings. She looks at it) Jeremy: What is it? Bonnie: It's Damon [Salvatore's house] (Elena enter the house. Rose is here. She only wears a nightgown) Rose: It's not nice to leave a girl naked so early in the morning (She sees Elena) Rose: Sorry, I thought you were... Elena: I... sorry. I... Rose: There is no one else here Elena: Actually I came to talk to you Rose: Then I should probably get dressed (She smiles) (They both are in the living room. Rose is dressed) Rose: It's a bad idea Elena: No, it's not. From what Stefan told me your friend Slater obviously has more information about Klaus. You and Damon just gave up before you got it Rose: Because somebody blew up a coffee shop with us in it Elena: There's more to learn. We just have to find a way to learn it Rose: Why are you coming to me with this? Elena: Because you owe me. One word from me and Damon Stefan could have killed you for kidnapping me Rose: Or maybe it's because you know that they wouldn't want you doing this Elena: We're having a disagreement, okay? They're willing to risk everyone that i love and I'm not Rose: They're just trying to protect you Elena: And you've proven you couldn't care less whether I'm protected or not so we're back to you taking me to Slater Rose: What exactly do you hope to achieve by this? Elena: How would you like to be able to walk during the daylight? Rose: I've been the slave to shadows for 500 years, what do you think? Elena: I think I know a witch who's willing to do whatever it takes to help if you're willing to make a deal [Mystic Falls' high school] (Tyler is playing basketball. Matt rejoins him) Matt: Hey man, how are you doing? Tyler: Good and you? Matt: I pissed myself for picking a fight with you and I'm feeling guilty for what happened to Sarah. I mean, I've been dodging you for days because I didn't know what to say to you Tyler: Don't worry Matt: I'm really sorry. Please know that (He leaves and meets Caroline) Caroline: Matt Matt: Hey Caroline: How are you? Matt: I've been better. I got to get to class Caroline: Okay (He leaves. She rejoins Tyler) Tyler: You two still on the outs? Caroline: Looks like it. You realize there is almost a full moon? Tyler: Vampires don't have enough problems? You want to take on mine? Caroline: Have you thought about it? The whole wolf thing? Do you know what you're gonna do? Tyler: I have a plan Caroline: Well... Tyler: Kind of private Caroline: I headed the prom comity, not to mention I single handedly organized this town cleanup campaign and you're really gonna turned out my help? [Salvatore's House] (Bonnie is talking with Stefan, Damon and Jeremy) Bonnie: I might be able to lower the tomb spell long enough for you to get in there and grab the moonstone from Katherine Jeremy: How? It took both you and your grams last time and look what happened to her Bonnie: I'm aware of what happened. I've learn a few new things Jeremy: Bonnie... (She looks at Stefan) Bonnie: How will you get it? Stefan: She hasn't been feeding. She's weaker, we're not (Damon shows her a glass of blood) Bonnie: You wouldn't be underestimating her, do you? Stefan: It's a plan. Is it perfect? What plan is? Jeremy: Let me do it. I've got my ring, I could get in, get out and no spell necessary Damon: Jeez thank you 16 years old child. Why didn't we think about that? Why are you even here? Bonnie: Maybe I can help better the plan. Do you have anything that belongs to Katherine? (Damon looks at Stefan) [Somewhere. An apartment] (Rose knocks on the door but nobody respond) Rose: Slater? Slater, it's Rose. Open up! (She looks at Elena) Rose: He's not home, sorry Elena: uh uh. We didn't come all the way out of here for nothing (Rose opens the door with her strength) Rose: Off to you (They enter) Rose: Slater? (She finds Slater's body) Rose: I don't think he's gonna be much help (Elena rejoins her and sees the body too. Then she looks everywhere and finds a lot of papers and computer. She looks at the papers) Elena: Looks like whoever blew up the coffee shop found him and killed him for his information Rose: Yeah, probably for helping people like us. The guy was a vampire omeneck. Knowing too much information just beat him in the ass (Rose opens the curtains) Elena: What are you...? Rose: tempted glass, UV rays can't penetrate (She looks through the window) Rose: I used to just come here and watch the day (Elena is looking at a picture of Slater and a girl) Elena: I'm sorry about Slater Rose: Any luck? (Elena looks at one of the computers) Elena: its password protected, I can't get in Rose: Then this is pointless, let's just go (They hear noise) Rose: Stay here (She leaves to see what the noise is. She goes in a room and finds a girl) Rose: Alice? Alice: Rose (She embraces Rose. She's crying. Elena looks at them) [Salvatore's House] Stefan: This belonged to Katherine. I found it with her things after I thought she was dead but it was hers (He gives Katherine's portrait to Katherine. She takes it and puts it in a bowl. She puts a few drops of water on it. It burns. She closes her eyes and cast a spell in Latin) Damon: What was this? Bonnie: I can turn the metal into ash, blew the ashes on her and it will incapacitate her for a minute or two. Long enough for you to get the stone and get out (Her nose bleeds but nobody sees her so she cleans it) [The woods] (Tyler and Caroline are walking) Tyler: Matt takes it pretty hard Caroline: I know. It's better this way Tyler: I get it Caroline: You do? Tyler: Yeah. You can't be honest with him. It's not really fair to be with someone not really let them know who you are. I get it (He keeps walking toward the old Lockwood property) Tyler: Right over here. There's a cellar that goes to our old property Caroline: I know Tyler: You do? Caroline: I know that this is the old Lockwood property Tyler: Watch your step (They go in the ruins) Tyler: I'm guessing that's where Mason was headed the night he turned. It's this way Caroline: Did Mason tell you about this place? Tyler: Mason bolted before I trigger the curse but I found these (He shows her nails marks on the wall) Caroline: Look old Tyler: And these bolt and chains. I need new chains but the bolt can still hold (He shows her how resistant the bolt is) Tyler: I think that's what this place was use for. Full moons (She looks everywhere and finds something) Caroline: What's this? (She takes what she's found. She opens it in front of Tyler. It's a diary) Caroline: Was it Mason's? (He looks at the diary and begins to read) Tyler: "August 31. My body is changing. I'm edgy, angry and impatient. I get some black out, I forget what I say or do. I'm not myself. Not since Jimmy's death. What's happening to me? (He looks further in the diary) Tyler: He chronicled everything. "The full moon is tonight" Caroline: Does he say what happened? (He finds a memory stick at the end of the diary. He takes it and looks at it. He looks at Caroline) [Salvatore's house] (Bonnie puts the ashes on the table) Stefan: We should get the torches Damon: Alaric's stakes are in my trunk. Bonnie? Bonnie: Go ahead. I'm almost done (They leave. Bonnie is alone with Jeremy) Jeremy: What are you doing? You're not strong enough (She puts a finger on his mouth and looks at him) Bonnie: I'll be fine Jeremy: You could get hurt Bonnie: and Elena could die. I'll be fine. I promise Jeremy: I got this okay? Go get me something to put this in, alright? (She smiles and goes get him what he asked her. While she doesn't watch, he takes some of the ashes) [Slater's apartment] (Rose is comforting Alice. She rejoins Elena who's preparing some tea) Rose: She found him a few minutes before we did Elena: How is she? Rose: Overreacting. Big time Elena: Her boyfriend just died. There's no such thing as overreacting Rose: The tears are for her. She didn't care of Slater. She was only dating him long enough to see if he'll turn her (They both look at Alice. Elena rejoins her and gives her a cup of tea) Alice: Thank you (She looks at Elena) Alice: You look really familiar. Did you know Slater? Elena: Not personally, no. I just knew that he kept detail records of all of his vampire's contacts and I was hoping that he could point me towards Klaus Alice: Doubtful. Klaus doesn't want to be pointed out Elena: Do you know Slater's computer password? Alice: Are you seriously asking me that right now? I just saw my boyfriend with a stake through his heart Elena: I understand that. Do you know his password? Alice: Who do you think you are? (She drinks. Elena looks at Rose and get closer to Alice) Elena: What if I could convince Rose to turn you? (Alice is surprised. Rose is not happy about this) Elena: Will you show us his files then? (Alice is on one of Slater's computer. Elena and Rose are with her) Alice: Someone's been here. The hard disc is completely wiped out Rose: Probably by the one who killed him Alice: Lucky for you, Slater was paranoid. Everything's backed up on a mode server (Rose looks at Elena to speak to her) Rose: You know that she's not going anywhere near of my blood, right? Elena: I know but she doesn't (She gets closer to Alice to see the computer. Rose smiles. Alice has entered the computer thanks to the password) Alice: Kristen Stewart. God, was it obvious? Elena: These are all leads to vampires? Alice: Slater was obsessed. Almost as much as me Rose: What about that one: Cody Webber? They exchanged dozens of emails about Elijah Alice: I could call him (Elena gives her the phone) Elena: Tell him that we're trying to send a message to Klaus: the doppelganger is alive and she's ready to surrender Rose: What?! Alice: Oh my god! I knew I recognized you Elena: Get him the message please (She goes in another room. Rose rejoins her) Rose: What are you doing? Elena: I'm getting Klaus's attention Rose: If Klaus knows that you're alive, he'll find you and he'll kill you (Elena's face is determined. Rose understands) Rose: Which is exactly what you wanted all along Elena: It's either me or my family Rose: So all of this is a suicide mission so that you could sacrifice yourself and save everyone else? (Alice rejoins them) Alice: Cody is on his way and he really wants to meet you [The Tomb] (Katherine stops and sees Jeremy) Katherine: The youngest Gilbert. This is an intriguing surprise Jeremy: I'm here for the moonstone Katherine: Yeah, the stone. It's very popular today Jeremy: Just give it to me Katherine: Naïve little Gilbert. If you want it, you're gonna have to come here and get it (He drives a stake through her. She removes it but he throws her the ashes. She falls on the floor. She unconscious) Jeremy: I kind of figured you'd say that (He looks if the moonstone is on her but she's not) Jeremy: Come on, where is it? (He goes further in the tomb and finds it at the bottom of the tomb, on a rock. He runs to get out of the tomb but Katherine rushes over him and bites him. He throws the moonstone out of the tomb) [SCENE_BREAK] [The woods] (Bonnie rejoins Stefan and Damon at the church ruins) Bonnie: Sorry I'm late. I degrabed the grimoire from home Damon: Jeremy couldn't take the pressure, uh? Bonnie: He said he'd be here (Bonnie and Stefan go in the tomb. Damon's phone rings. He answers. It's Rose) Damon: Not a good time Rose Rose: Don't be angry with me Damon: Why, what did you do? Rose: You need to get to Richmond immediately Damon: Tell me [The Tomb] (Bonnie and Stefan are in front of the tomb's door. They prepare everything. Stefan sees the moonstone on the floor and rushes over it) Stefan: What the hell? Bonnie: Is it the moonstone? (Katherine stops at the tomb's door. Hers lips are full of blood) Katherine: I hate to interrupt but today have been full of surprises (She shows them Jeremy. He doesn't looks well. He has a bite mark on his neck) Jeremy: I'm sorry. I took some powder Katherine: Don't worry, I know that he's wearing his ring so no matter how many times I kill him, he'll just be coming back for more. So, I'm gonna be in the back playing with my new little toy and you guys just give me a howl when you got the tomb open [Jonas and Luka's house] (Jonas is with Elijah. There are all the things he's stolen from Elena's bedroom on the table) Elijah: So how exactly does the spell work? Jonas: Give me your hand (Elijah gives his hand. Jonas cuts it with a knife) Jonas: Place it here (Elijah puts his hand on Elena's picture) Jonas: Now take my hand (Elijah takes Jonas's hand) Jonas: Close your eyes, relax your mind and look for her (Elijah closes his eyes. Jonas closes his eyes too and cast a spell in Latin) [Slater's apartment] (Elena is looking through the window. She sees Elijah's face in it. She turns herself to see if he's here) [Jonas and Luka's house] (Elijah opens his eyes) Jonas: You saw her, didn't you? Elijah: I know exactly where she is [The tomb] (Bonnie is turns on the torches) Stefan: Where the hell is Damon? Bonnie: We can't wait; we have to get him out of there Stefan: She's fed, she has her strength back Bonnie: We still have what's left of the ash. Do you think you can get close enough? Stefan: I don't have a choice Bonnie: It's gonna take me some time Stefan: How long? Bonnie: I don't know, a while Stefan: Just get me in there as soon as you can [Jonas and Luka's house] (Luka arrives) Jonas: So how was school? Luka: Revealing [The Tomb] (Bonnie is casting the spell) [Jonas and Luka's house] (Luka doesn't seem good) Jonas: What's wrong? Luka: Nothing (Luka touches his neck but he's necklace's not here anymore) [The Tomb] (Bonnie is still casting the spell. She's Luka's necklace in her hands) [Caroline's house] (Caroline and Tyler are in the living room. Tyler puts the memory stick in the computer. It's a videotape from Mason) Mason: "September 15, 2 hours from the first full moon since I triggered the curse" Tyler: He tapped his first transformation (Caroline looks at the diary) Caroline: There's nothing... September 16. He wrote about everything the next day (She reads) Caroline: "I chose the garage. I could double the door. It was far from the street so no one could hear. I bolted hooks to the floor for the carabineers". Like for mountain climbing? (Tyler is looking at the tape) Tyler: Retractable cables (In the tape, Mason drinks something) Caroline: It's wolfs pain. "I dilated wolfs pain with water to weaken myself but I could barely get it down without plucking. It felt like I was drinking battery acid. Over an hour passed and nothing happened. It got do quiet I could hear my own blood pumping and that's when..." (On the video, Mason is screaming and moving because of the pain) Caroline: "I kept thinking at black out and not feel it but I did. I felt all of it" (Mason is on the floor, crying because of the pain. He's asking for help) Caroline: How long is it? Tyler: 3 hours in (He advances the video) Tyler: 4 hours (He keeps advancing it) Tyler: 5 hours. How long this is last? (On the video Mason's eyes change and he screams. Tyler gets up. He's almost crying) Tyler: I can't. I can't do that. Caroline, whatever that was, I can't go through that [Slater's apartment] (Elena is drinking water. She looks at Alive but then she turns herself and is face to face with Damon) Damon: What are you doing here? Elena: What are you doing here? (She looks at Rose) Elena: You called him? Rose: I'm sorry, Elena. Elena: You said that you understood Damon: She lied (She looks at Damon. Alice arrives) Alice: Damon Salvatore Damon: Get rid of her Alice: No way (Rose catches her arm and takes her to another room) Damon: Come on, we're living Elena: No Damon: I said we're living Elena: I'm not going with you Damon: You do not get to make decisions anymore Elena: When have I ever made a decision? You and Stefan do that for me but this, this is my decision Damon: Whose gonna save your life while you're making decisions? Elena: You're not listening to me, Damon. I don't want to be saved. Not if it means that Klaus is gonna kill every single person that I love Damon: Get your ass out the door before I through you over my shoulder and carry you out myself (He catches her arm but she doesn't want to. She wants to beat him with her fist but he catches it and get closer to her) Damon: Don't ever do that again [The Tomb] (Bonnie is still casting the spell with Luka's necklace. Katherine arrives with Jeremy) Katherine: Hmm, something's happening Jeremy: Bonnie no! You have to stop her, she's not strong enough! Katherine: Maybe she is [Luka and Jonas' house] (Luka is doing his homework bur he's not good because Bonnie is channeling with him) Jonas: What's going on? Luka: It's Bonnie Bennett. She's channeling me Jonas: Why would you let her do that? Luka: You told me to bond with her so I bounded (His nose bleeds) [The tomb] (Bonnie's nose is bleeding to) Stefan: Bonnie, Bonnie Jeremy: You got to stop her (Katherine beats him with her elbow. He falls on the floor) Stefan: You need to stop. Bonnie! [Luka and Jonas' house] (Luka falls on the floor) Jonas: Luka! (He touches Luka's head and uses his powers. Luka opens his eyes. He seems fine) [The Tomb] Stefan: Bonnie! (She falls on the floor. She's unconscious) Stefan: Bonnie, Bonnie wake up please Katherine: Yes please because I'm still in here! (Bonnie wakes up) Stefan: Are you okay? Bonnie: It didn't work. I'm not strong enough. Even with help I can't do it Katherine: That's too bad, I'm still hungry (She pushes Jeremy against the wall and bites him but Stefan goes in the tomb and throws Jeremy out of it. Stefan pushes Katherine against the wall. She smiles. Bonnie takes Jeremy in her arms) [Caroline's house] (Caroline closes Mason's diary) Caroline: You know what? I don't think we should read this anymore Tyler: Why? What did you read? Caroline: There's a... reason that's called a curse, Tyler (He reads) Tyler: "Inimagible pain, I thought it would never end, it was the worse night of my life" (He closes the diary and sits down on the couch) Caroline: But... he did say that the transformation speeds up over time. So if you could just get through this first time then... Tyler: Why are you helping me? Caroline: What do you mean? Tyler: Why do you care? You've never been friends before Caroline: It's not true. I've known you my entire life, Tyler Tyler: We've never been close. Not like this Caroline: I don't know. You just seem like you... like you kind of need it (She sits down next to him) Caroline: I was alone when I turned. I had no control over my body or my urges and... I killed somebody. I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want you to be alone (Someone knocks on the door. She goes to open the door. It's Matt) Caroline: Matt... Matt: I know I should have called, I'm sorry Caroline: What are you doing here? Matt: I don't know but I was driving home from work and just kind of found myself here Caroline: Are you okay? I've been worried about you Matt: I miss you (She smiles. He smiles too. She laughs. Tyler arrives. Matt seems surprised) Matt: Hey Tyler: Hey [Slater's apartment] (Damon goes out of a room. There's Alice in this room) Damon: Time to go. Alice is sleeping and won't remember a moment of this horrible stupid day (Tree men open the door and enter the apartment. Damon turns his head toward the door. Rose and Elena gets up) Cody: We're here to meet the doppelganger Elena: Thank you for coming (Damon catches his arm) Damon: I will break your arm (He looks at Cody) Damon: There is nothing here for you (The third man is killed and his body falls on the floor. Elijah is here and he killed the man. He gets closer to the two other men. Rose runs out of the apartment) Damon: I killed you. You were dead Elijah: For centuries now (He looks at Cody) Elijah: Who are you? Cody: Who are you? Elijah: I'm Elijah Cody: We were gonna bring her to you for Klaus. She's the doppelganger. I don't know how she exists but she does. Klaus would want to see her Elijah: Does anyone else know that you're here? Cody: No Elijah: Well, then you have been incredibly helpful (He rips their hearts apart and throws the hearts on the floor. Damon prepares to fight but Elijah looks at them and leave. Damon looks at Elena. She doesn't understand) [Luka and Jonas' house] (Elijah is here. He looks through the window. Jonas rejoins him) Elijah: Where is Luka? Jonas: Asleep Elijah: Your shadow spell was successful. I was able to track that girl. However I did have a little running with one of the brothers that killed me Jonas: I assume he didn't live to tell about it Elijah: Actually I spared him. He'd die before he let anything happen to her, they both would. She'll be kept safe Jonas: For now Elijah: That's precisely where we need her to be. Safe [Gilbert's house] (Bonnie and Jeremy arrive at the house) Jeremy: I'm home, okay? I don't need an escort to my room Bonnie: I don't know. Between here and upstairs there's still time for you to do something stupid Jeremy: I already feel bad. I don't need you to bread me Bonnie: Stefan is stuck in there and I don't know how to get him out. What should I be doing? Jeremy: You should admit that you never should have try this in the first place Bonnie: I didn't have a choice, Jeremy! Jeremy: Yeah, neither did i Bonnie: Why did you have to get involve? Jeremy: Because I didn't want you to get hurt Bonnie: Look Jeremy... you can't feel that way about me Jeremy: Don't Bonnie: What? Jeremy: Don't act like this is one side and like I'm some kid that has a crush on his sister's friend. You could have died today (He touches her face) Bonnie: And you almost did Jeremy: That was a chance I'm willing to take (He gets closer to kiss her) Bonnie: I can't... I can't. I'm sorry Jeremy: Yeah... (She looks at him and leaves) (Elena and Damon arrive at the house. They stop on the porch) Elena: Thank you for bringing me home Damon: Well, you ride left you. I didn't want to leave you stranded Elena: She was just scared. She didn't mean to run Damon: Yes she did. She's been running for 500 years Elena: I can't believe Elijah is alive. Why do you think he killed those two vampires and just let us go? Damon: if I had a dollar for every time some evil vampire surprises me... (She goes toward the door but Damon catches her arm) Damon: What you did today was incredibly stupid Elena: Actually the only thing that was stupid was that I got caught. I don't question why you and Stefan and everyone else try so hard to save me. You shouldn't question why i would try to save all of you. Damon, good night, okay? (Jeremy opens the door) Damon: What? Jeremy: it's Stefan [The Tomb] (Elena rushes on the tomb) Elena: Stefan! Stefan! (She stops at the tomb's entry. Damon arrives and pushes her against the wall) Damon: don't you dare Elena: Stefan's in here, Damon! How could you let this happen? Damon: What are you talking about? I was too busy saving you from your crazy kamikaze mission (Stefan and Katherine are in the tomb. They are listening to them) Elena: You didn't have to go after the moonstone in the first place! Damon: It was the right call, Elena! Elena: The right call? How would any of this be the right call? Damon, let go of me! Let go of me! (She bits him with her fists but he doesn't releases her but she stops) Elena: Please Damon: Are you done? (He releases her. She goes toward the tomb again but he stops her. She looks at him and leaves. She's angry. Stefan rejoins Damon at the entry of the door) Damon: Of all idiots plan... I'll find a way to get you out Stefan: No it's alright. I'll head myself. Bonnie has the moonstone. Work with her. Try to figure out how to dispel it Damon: You martyr yourself into a tomb and I got to partner with a semi competent witch? Wonderful Stefan: Keep Elena away from here Damon: Yeah 'cause that will be easy... Stefan: Promise me. No matter what happens, you'll protect her Damon: I promise (He leaves. Katherine rejoins Stefan) Katherine: That right there was the biggest mistake you've ever made
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[Gilbert's house] (Elena and Stefan are in Elena's bed. Stefan is sleeping. Elena is looking at him) Stefan: You're staring Elena: I'm gazing Stefan: It's creepy Elena: It's romantic (He puts a pillow on his head. Elena removes it. They kiss) Elena: Oh, this is bad of us Stefan: Yes it is Elena: If Katherine finds out... (He kisses her) [Katherine's bedroom] (Mason and Katherine are kissing) Katherine: Shut, Miss Flowers will think I'm a floozy if I have a man in here Mason: Why are you staying here? Katherine: Because I like this little bed and breakfast, don't you? Mason: I love it (They kiss passingly) [Gilbert's House] (Elena and Stefan are still kissing and hugging) Elena: Okay, I need be in the shower Stefan: Love it, let' go! Elena: No, just me. I'm late. I'm decorating at the Lockwood charity thing Stefan: What do you know! So am i Elena: Do you thing that's really a good idea to be at their house today? Mason Lockwood tried to kill you [Katherine's bedroom] (Katherine and Mason are still in Katherine's bed) Katherine: Where is the moonstone? Mason: Somewhere safe Katherine: Don't you trust me? Mason: I don't trust anyone [Gilbert's house] Stefan: I don't trust Mason. I want to be there today to keep an eye on him Elena: Okay but then we can't touch or talk and no lingering stares Stefan: No, none of that Elena: What do you think will happen if Katherine founds out that we are fake fighting? [Katherine's bedroom] Katherine: Scary will kill you Mason: No, you won't (She kisses him on the neck and bites him) Mason: Ouch! Kat, easy! Katherine: Did I hurt you? Sorry [Gilbert's house] (Elena pricks herself with a needle) Elena: Ouch Stefan: Did it hurt? Elena: It's okay. A little bit every day to make you stronger, right? (He drinks the blood on her finger) [Katherine's bedroom] Mason: What happen once I give you the moonstone? Katherine: We'll live happily ever after. I promise Mason: I'll bring it tonight, I promise [Gilbert's house] Stefan: I promise, we're gonna get through this Elena: I love you, Stefan [Katherine's bedroom] Katherine: You know I love you Mason: I love you too (They kiss) [Salvatore's house] (Someone is knocking on the door. Damon opens it. It's Jeremy) Jeremy: I need to talk to you Damon: And why I need to talk to you? Jeremy: Tyler Lockwood has to kill someone to activate his curse. He's not a werewolf yet Damon: Whoa, fascinating. Not enough Jeremy: But Mason Lockwood is and he's looking for a moonstone, a special roc related to the werewolves legend. That's why is here Damon: A moonstone? Jeremy: And I know where it is Damon: And you're bringing me this why? Jeremy: Do I need a reason? Look, I just want to help, okay? Damon: What your sister say about this little discovery? (Jeremy doesn't answer) Damon: Oh, you haven't told her, have you? Jeremy: Well, Elena doesn't want me getting involved in all this Damon: And you're a Gilbert, you just can't help yourself. Whoa, your search for life's purpose is as obvious as it is tragic Jeremy: You're gonna let me in or not? (He goes into the house. Damon closes the door) [Lockwood Mansion] (Everyone is preparing for the masquerade ball. Jenna is talking with Carol) Carol: Jenna, thanks for helping rundle the volunteers Jenna: Off course, for a good cause. Plus, I have always been a sucker for the masquerade ball Carol: So was Richard. This was always his favorite party of the year (Matt and Tyler are carrying a table) Carol: Boys! Be careful with that! It's from the eighteen hundreds (She rejoins them. Jenna sees Stefan and rejoins him) Jenna: Stefan, hey! Stefan: Hey Jenna: I'm cooking dinner tonight. Rick will be there, you should come Stefan: You know, Elena and I, were kind of taking a pause Jenna: Really? That's not what it sounded like this morning. Bad sleeper. You know what? I heard nothing (She smiles and leaves) (Bonnie is carrying a box. Elena is there too) Elena: You're here Bonnie: I'm here (Bonnie is looking around her) Elena: Caroline's not coming. I told you Bonnie: Just making sure Elena: You know, eventually, you're gonna have to talk to her Bonnie: Could you make it a little less obvious you're on her side Elena: There are no sides, Bonnie Bonnie: Come on! Since Caroline became a vampire, you barely seen each other. Losing Caroline was bad enough; I didn't think I'd lose you too Elena: Come with me Bonnie: Where? Elena: Not here. Some place quiet. We have to talk (She takes Bonnie's hand and they leave) [Salvatore's house] (Liz is in her cell. Caroline arrives) Caroline: You didn't eat much. Good news: Doctor Damon said the vervein is almost out of your system. So With any luck, you'll be freshly compelled and back in your own bed by tonight (Liz doesn't answer) Caroline: Are you really just gonna pretend like I don't exist? Liz: Yes. So please go Caroline: As usual, you don't care. Got it. Just like before I was a vampire. It's not like I died or anything Liz: Are you... Are you really dead? Caroline: Yes, I am now Liz: How is it possible? (Alaric arrive with a box) Damon: Rick! (Alaric sees Jeremy) Alaric: What are you doing here? Jeremy: Helping Damon. I'm the one who found out about the moonstone Alaric: does Elena know you're here? Jeremy: Don't exactly Damon: What you got? Alaric: This is Isobel research's from Duke. Her assistant send it to me Damon: Vanessa, the hottie Alaric: Vanessa yes. Do you remember the old Aztecs curse she told us about? Damon: Son of the moon, bla bla bla bla Jeremy: an Aztec curse? Cool Alaric: Yeah, supposedly vampires and werewolves used to run freely until a shaman put a curse on them, limitating their power. Since then, werewolves can only turn on a full moon and vampires are weakened by the sun Damon: Most of them anyway Alaric: According to the legend, the werewolf part of the curse is sealed with a moonstone Jeremy: What do you mean sealed? Damon: It's a witch thing, whatever seals the curse is usually the key onto unsealing the curse Alaric: Maybe Mason Lockwood believes he can use the moonstone to break the curse Damon: If we start believing in some supernatural witchy mojo legend from a picture book, we're idiots. Where is the stone now? Jeremy: Tyler Damon: Can you get it? Jeremy: Yeah Damon: You see, know your life has a purpose Jeremy: So you do believe it? Damon: This is the same book that says the werewolf bite kills a vampire. Ignoring it make me an even bigger idiot. Let's go [Lockwood Mansion] (Elena and Bonnie are walking on the Lockwood property) Bonnie: I can't believe this Elena: it's a lot, I know. Katherine's gonna do everything that she can to drive me and Stefan apart and Caroline just got trapped in the middle Bonnie: It's not that you and Stefan are pretending to fight, is that I didn't even know you guys were fighting at all Elena: I'm sorry, I don't want to keep things from you but you've made it pretty clear where you stand with the whole vampire thing Bonnie: So that makes me the unman out Elena: No, Bonnie, of course not Bonnie: I know where I stand, Elena and I know where you stand but where do we stand? Elena: You're my best friend, Bonnie. I didn't mean to let this craziness with Caroline get in the way of that but she needs you too Bonnie: not yet, I just... she's a vampire, I can't. I think we should get back (Mason is carrying a box. He sees Stefan) Mason: Hey Stefan Stefan: Hey Mason (Mason is chocked) Mason: I wasn't expecting you here or anywhere Stefan: Yeah, I had this little accident but I'm fine know Mason: What did you do to Sheriff Forbes? Stefan: she's fine too but for now on you'll have to do your own dirty work Mason: Not a problem (He leaves and bumps into Bonnie. She feels something) Mason: Excuse me (Stefan understands that something's going on so he rejoins Bonnie) Stefan: What's the matter? Are you okay? Bonnie: When I touched him, I saw something Stefan: What do you mean? Like a vision? Bonnie: I saw Elena Stefan: You saw Elena? Bonnie: He was kissing her Stefan: No Bonnie. Elena wouldn't kiss... you didn't see Elena, you saw Katherine (Elena sees Stefan and Bonnie talking together. Damon rejoins her) Elena: Damon. What are you doing here? Damon: Looking for my baby bro. Speaking of... you should tell yours to stop following me around Elena: What's going on? Damon: Ask him (Jeremy arrives) Elena: Jeremy, what is he making you do? Jeremy: He's not making me do anything, Damon and i... Elena: No way, no, no, no, no. There is no "Damon and you". There's Damon and whoever Damon is using, and those people, they end up dead. Whatever is going on Jeremy, I want you to stay out of it Jeremy: I don't really care what you want, Elena. It's because of you that I'm in this mess in the first place so I'm sorry, you don't really get to tell me what I'm gonna do (He leaves) (Stefan is talking with Damon) Damon: Katherine's with Mason Lockwood? Stefan: You missed it. He got in the town after she did, it makes perfect sense Damon: I know but Mason Lockwood?! Werewolf thing aside, the guy is a surfer. She's got to be using him, it has to be Stefan: Using him for what? Damon: Mason Lockwood's looking for a moonstone that allegedly can break the full moon werewolf curse. Maybe Katherine wants it as well Stefan: Why? Damon: Well... no idea. This is the beauty of Katherine; she's always up to something Stefan: So how are we gonna find this moonstone? Damon: Jeremy is gonna get it from Tyler Stefan: Why would you involve Jeremy? Damon: He's playing Indiana Jones, he involved himself (Matt and Tyler are helping decorating) Matt: She's this amazing girl one minute and then this raging jealous freak the next Tyler: Look, you know what I think about Caroline Forbes. She's an insecure narcotic bitchy little twig Matt: Hey! Tyler: But the girl's got heart, she means well. You just get the mean with the best sometimes Matt: Yeah. I'm gonna go get an extra. I'll be right back (He leaves. Jeremy rejoins Tyler) Jeremy: Hey man Tyler: Hey! Jeremy: Hey, so I did a little research on that stone you showed me Tyler: What? Why? Jeremy: I don't know. Curiosity, boredom Tyler: What did it say? Jeremy: Well, it turns out that it's part of this Aztec legend but I want to make sure it's the same kind of stone. You think I could check it out again? Tyler: No. I gave it to my uncle Jeremy: Why did you do that? Tyler: Because I'm done with legends and curses. I don't want anything to do with it, okay? Jeremy: Yeah, yeah sure. It's probably... (Stefan and Damon had listened to the entire conversation. They look at each other) (Elena is texting Stefan. She asks him if everything's okay. Stefan receives it and tells her that he's with Damon and Bonnie and that he'll fill her later. Stefan and Damon rejoin Bonnie) Bonnie: Okay. This is as far as I go Damon: Okay Bonnie: What do you want? Damon: A favor Bonnie: That's not gonna happen Damon: So predictable (He looks at Stefan) Damon: that's why I brought him Stefan: I know how you feel about helping us out but since you're the one that linked Mason with Katherine, we finally have an opportunity to get an upper hand on both of them so just hear us out Damon: Pretty please Bonnie: I'm listening (Stefan's phone is ringing. It's Elena) Stefan: I have to throw Elena in on what's going on (He looks at Damon) Stefan: Can you play nice please? (He answers) Stefan: Hey, what are you doing? You shouldn't be calling me Elena: I know but I have no idea what's happening. Damon's got Jeremy into something and you've got Bonnie with you and I'm sorting stupid masquerade masks for Misses Lockwood Stefan: Alright, it's okay. Hold on (He leaves. Damon is talking to Bonnie) Damon: All you have to do is touch Mason Lockwood again to see if he gave Katherine the moonstone Bonnie: My visions don't work like that; I don't get to ask questions Damon: How inconvenient. Although, let's about that witchy mojo you do with me. You know the fun one, when my brain burst into flames? What is that? Bonnie: That's me giving you an aneurysm. Your blood vessels go pop but you heal quickly so I do it over and over again Damon: Is it vampire specific? Bonnie: It'd work on anyone with a supernatural healing ability Damon: Good. Good, good Bonnie: Damon, I'm not gonna help you hurt him Damon: Mason Lockwood's a werewolf, Katherine's evil. They're the bad guys. Really? You're gonna play morality police with me right now? Let me explain it to you another way: they're a threat to Elena. You witch, are gonna get over yourself and help us Stefan: Yeah, he meant that as a question with a "please" on the end Damon: Absolutely (Mason is going to his car) Mason: Hey, can you remove you van? I'm blocked in (He sees Bonnie trying to remove a table from the truck) Mason: Hey, how did you get stucked to that by yourself? Bonnie: All the guys baled. Something about draft pix, I don't know, I don't speak that language Mason: Here, let me give you a hand (He helps her with the table but she uses her powers on him. He holds his head because he's in pain and fall on the floor) Bonnie: Sorry (Damon arrives and kicks him on the face. Mason is unconscious. Bonnie goes into Mason's car. Damon and Stefan put Mason in the trunk. Damon goes into Mason's car and leaves with Bonnie.) [Salvatore's house] (Caroline is in the cell with her mother) Caroline: So I mainly drink from blood bags. It's not as good as the fresh stuff but it beats the animal blood that Stefan's been trying to get me to drink Liz: So you steal the blood from the hospital? Caroline: Damon does. I've been pilfering his supply so... Liz: As long as you have blood, you don't need to kill? Caroline: I want to. It's my basic nature now but on a healthy diet, I can control it. I'm getting better at it. I'm better than Stefan. He's a bit of a problem drinker, a blood-aholic Liz: I don't want this for you Caroline: I know but when life gives you lemons... Damon's home (Damon and Bonnie are in the library. Damon puts Mason in a chair) Bonnie: Here's his bag as requested Damon: Okay, grab that corner Bonnie: Why are we doing this? Damon: Because I don't want to stain the carpet Bonnie: I knew you were gonna say something like that Damon: You're judging again (They put a blanket under the chair) Bonnie: He's not gonna be out much longer (Damon takes chains from Mason's bag) Damon: Looks like this guy used to be in tied up (Bonnie takes Mason's head in her hands) Damon: What are you doing? Bonnie: You're looking for a moonstone and I'm trying to help you find it Damon: Oh good, yeah. Find out if he gave it to Katherine and find out where she is and find out what they're gonna do with it once they get it (Damon is tying Mason. Bonnie concentrates herself while she touches Mason's head) Bonnie: Somewhere small, dark, there's water Damon: Like a sewer? Bonnie: No. Like a well? That can't be right? Yeah. It's a well Damon: Why would it be in a well? Bonnie: I told you, I only get what I get (Mason catches Bonnie's wrist but Damon releases her) Bonnie: That's it. That's all I got Damon: Hey judgy! Thank you (She looks at him and leaves. He's alone with Mason) Damon: Come on. Wake up wolf boy (He punches him on the face) (Bonnie is leaving but Caroline arrives) Caroline: Hey! Bonnie: Hi. How's your mom? Elena filled me on everything Caroline: I'm gonna take her home tonight Bonnie: Caroline... don't remind, I've got to go Caroline: Did you find the moonstone thing? Bonnie: Not yet. Hey, do you remember that old well where we used to play when we were kids? Caroline: Yeah Bonnie: It's on the woods. Do you remember where? Caroline: On the edge of the old Lockwood property. Why? Bonnie: I think that's where Mason is keeping the moonstone. I got to go Caroline: Well, I can go with you Bonnie: No, it's okay (She looks at Caroline who's disappointed) Bonnie: Sure Caroline: Okay [SCENE_BREAK] [Lockwood Mansion] (Matt and Elena are helping preparing the masquerade ball) Matt: So where's Caroline? This is like her thing. I can't believe she's not here Elena: She has something else to do Matt: Is she seeing someone? Elena: Matt, come on. No, she's not (Stefan arrives. Elena looks at him. Tyler arrives to) Tyler: Anyone's seen Mason? Stefan: He took off. He said he wasn't sure when he'd be back Tyler: It's so weird (He leaves. Stefan receives a text from Bonnie. She's telling him to look in the well, next to the old Lockwood property. Stefan looks at Elena. She goes toward him but he tells her no with his head. She's upset and looks at Matt) Matt: I'm not even gonna ask Elena: I'll be right back (She leaves) [Salvatore's house] (Mason is chained to the chair. Damon is heating up an iron bar in the chimney. Mason is screaming. Damon looks at him) Damon: Someone's feisty (Damon goes toward Mason. Mason can't stop moving. He fell on the floor with the chair) Mason: What?! (Damon puts the iron bar into Mason's chest. Mason screams) Damon: You can hurt, good to know. I was afraid you'd gonna be some beast mess with some with no affinity for pain (Damon looks at Mason's wound. It's healing) Damon: Oh, you heal quickly. Not good. I guess I'll just have to keep an applying pain (He gets back the chair. Mason screams. Damon heats up the iron bar again) Damon: So... Katherine. How do you know her? What is she up to? (Mason doesn't answer) Damon: I have all day (He puts the iron bar into Mason again) [The woods] (Stefan arrives at the well. Elena rejoins him) Elena: What's going on? Stefan: You shouldn't be here Elena: I know but I am. What's going on? Stefan: Bonnie thinks the moonstone is down here (He opens the well. He looks into it with a lamp) Elena: Hey. Be careful Stefan: I'll only be down there for a minute (He goes into the well but he's full of vervein. Stefan's skin is burning) Stefan: Elena! Elena: Stefan?! Stefan: Elena! Elena: Stefan, what's happening?! What's going on in there?! Stefan: Vervein. Oh my god! Help! Elena: Stefan! (Elena is trying to take the chains but they're too heavy. Caroline arrives) Caroline: Elena! Elena: Caroline, Stefan's down there and the chain is rusty (Caroline tries to go into the well but Elena catches her) Elena: No, no, no! You can't, it's full with vervein. Caroline, we've got to get him out. Now! (Caroline takes the chain) [Salvatore's house] Damon: When did you two meet? Did she seduce you and tell she loved you? You're supernatural so she can't compel you. I'm she used her other charms. Katherine's good that way (Jeremy arrives) Damon: I thought I told you to leave Jeremy: I found something in Rick's boxes stuff Damon: What is it? Jeremy: I did a search on my phone, it's a plant: Aconitum Vulparia. Grows in the mountain of the northern hemisphere, communally known as "Aconite", "blue rocket" and "Wolf spin" (Damon looks at the plant) Damon: What else did you read? Jeremy: Well, every source says something different. One myth says it causes lycanthropy, which sounds bogus. Another one says that it protects people and another one says, well it's toxic (Mason whimpers. Damon looks at him) Damon: I'm guessing toxic (He takes the plant and goes toward Mason) Damon: What's Katherine doing in Mystic falls? (Mason doesn't answer so Damon puts the plant on Mason's cheek. Mason's skin burn) Damon: Why is she here? Mason: She's here with me! Why are you asking? Jealous?! Damon: How rude of me. I just realize I didn't offer you anything to eat (He puts the plant in Damon's mouth) Damon: Yummy! [The woods] (Elena is chaining herself to go into the well) Caroline: I got you okay? (Bonnie arrives) Bonnie: What's going on? You took off in a blur Caroline: I heard Elena screaming. Help her, now! Are you ready? Elena: Yeah (Elena goes into the well with the help of Caroline. She arrives at the bottom of the well. She founds Stefan unconscious into the vervein. Stefan's face is scalded. She attaches Stefan with the chains) Caroline: Elena, what's going on down there? Elena: Follow up! (Caroline is pulling Stefan from the well. Elena stays in it. Bonnie unties Stefan and puts him on the floor) Caroline: Elena! Ready for you! Elena: Hold on! I need to find the stone (Elena looks everywhere) Caroline: Hurry! Elena: Hold on! I think I found it! (She finds a wooden box and takes it but a snake is on her arm. She screams. Another snake is on her. She can't stop screaming) Caroline: Elena! What's going on?! Elena: I got it. Come on, bring me up! (Caroline brings Elena up. Bonnie unties her. Elena sees Stefan) Elena: Oh god! Stefan! (She cuts herself with a rock and gives her blood to Stefan. He drinks it) Elena: I've got the stone, Stefan. Stefan, it's gonna be okay, everything's gonna be okay [Salvatore's house] (Damon is still torturing Mason) Damon: Why do you want the moonstone? Mason: Screw you! Damon: Ahhh! Wrong answer! Jeremy: If he was gonna say anything, he would have already! Damon: I'm taking your eyes now Mason: The well! You'll find it there! Damon: I know where it is. I want to know what it does and why you want it Mason: I'm getting it for Katherine Damon: Why? Mason: She's gonna use it to lift the curse Damon: Of the moon? Now, why would a vampire help a werewolf break a curse that keeps him from turning whenever they want? Mason: So I wouldn't have to turn anymore Damon: Why? Mason: Because she loves me! (Damon laughs) Damon: Now I get it. You're just stupid. Katherine doesn't love you, she using you, you moron! Mason: I'm done talking Damon: Yes you are. It's time to take a walk, Jeremy Jeremy: I'm staying Damon: No, you should go Jeremy: I'm staying, Damon. He's got enough (Mason looks at Jeremy) Mason: Just help Tyler. Don't let this happen to him Jeremy: Damon... (Damon rushes over Jeremy and strangles him) Damon: You want to be a part of this? Well, here it is! Kill or be killed! The guy is a werewolf; he'll kill me the first chance he got so you suck it up or leave! (He releases him) Damon: He wants me to kill him anyway, don't you Mason? Really is a curse, isn't it? (Jeremy leaves) Damon: You now, when I look at you I see myself, less dashing and less intelligent version Mason: I love her Damon: Oh, I know! I've been where you are but Katherine will only rip your heart out. Let me do it for her (He puts his wrist in Mason's chest and kills him) [Gilbert's house] (Jenna and Alaric are in the kitchen, cooking dinner) Jenna: You're pretty handy with that thing Alaric: Yeah, uh, it's a skill (They kiss) Alaric: Where is the sea salt? Jenna: Table (They kiss again. Alaric lays the table. Elena arrives. Alaric looks at her and asks her secretively if she's okay. She nodded and goes upstairs) [Salvatore's house] (Caroline is in the cell with her mother) Caroline: So I pulled Stefan out of this well and he's all verveined and just routed but Bonnie wasn't mean to me once and I really think it's progress, you know? I just... what? I'm freaking you out Liz: It's just that you've become tis person.... Caroline: Don't... i... just starting to get along Liz: This strong, this confident person Caroline: Oh. Thank you Liz: You don't have to take my memories away. I'll keep your secret. Look, if you're worried about them, just say you compelled me. I won't tell. I'll never do anything to hurt you Caroline: Why we never talk like this? Never and today meant so much to me Liz: For me too Caroline: I know I can trust you but you're never going to trust them (She cries and compels her) Caroline: I'm going to take you home. You're going to forget that I'm a vampire Liz: I'm going to forget that you're a vampire Caroline: You'll remember you got sick with the flu, you had a fever, chills and leakiness but I made you soup and it was really salty. We beggared. You got better and then your selfish little daughter, who loves you no matter what, went right back to ignoring you and all is right in the world (Damon is putting Mason's body in the blanket. Stefan arrives and shows the moonstone to Damon) Damon: All this for that? Stefan: Yep (He throws him the moonstone) Stefan: I see you've exercised your usual restraint Damon: Had to be done (He takes Damon's phone and text Carol on behalf of Mason) Damon: "Carol, big opportunity in Florida, I'm gonna be gone for a long time. You'll send for ma things once I get settled. Much love, Mason" Stefan: Let's get rid of the body Damon: Oh, last number dialed. I wonder who that can possibly be Stefan: No, no, no! Don't provoke her! (Katherine answer, thinking its Mason) Katherine: Mason, you should have been here an hour ago Damon: Wrong boy toy Katherine: Damon, for once you surprise me. I guess Mason's with you Damon: he's right beside me although his heart he's across the room Katherine: You shouldn't have Damon: I've had a very busy day today. I killed a werewolf, found the moonstone. Hey, did you know that he hide the moonstone at the bottom of a well full of vervein? I guess he didn't trust you very much but he did love you. Poor guy. Hey, where are you? Because i could bring him over. Last goodbyes and all that Katherine: You have no idea what you've just done Damon: Aww, did I put a kink in your master plan? I'm so sorry Katherine: Do you honestly believe that I don't have a plan B? And if that fails a plan C, then a plan D and... you know how the alphabet works, don't you? Send my love to Stefan (She hangs up. Damon looks at Stefan) [Gilbert's house] (Elena arrive in the kitchen) Elena: Where is Jeremy? Alaric: Oh, he went straight up to his room. He said he's not hungry Elena: Who is she talking to? Alaric: I don't know. Everything go okay today? Elena: There were a few hick ups but yeah (Jenna is at the phone) Jenna: Of course, I understand. Elena, it's for you (Elena takes the phone) Elena: Who is it? Hello? Katherine: Hello Elena Elena: Katherine Katherine: Did you enjoy your little rendezvous with Stefan this morning? I will always know, Elena. I will always be one step ahead of you. When are you gonna figure that out? Do you know how easy it was to get inside of your house? To replace Aunt Jenna vervein perfume to convince her to stop drinking her special tea? Elena: No Katherine: Jenna's been my little spy for days now. Unlike you, Jenna actually listens to me so when I suggested that the world would be a much better place if she was just... (Jenna is holding a knife toward her) Elena: Jenna no! (Jenna stabs herself. Alaric and Elena rush toward her) Katherine: Well, you got the idea (She hangs up) [Mystic Falls' hospital] (Elena rejoins Jeremy in the waiting room) Jeremy: Is she okay? Elena: The doctors told Alaric that she got lucky. She's gonna be okay Jeremy: Did she remember what happened? Elena: No, nothing. It's all bit of part of Katherine's mind compulsion Jeremy: Why would Katherine hurt Aunt Jenna? Elena: Because she's trying to send a message, that she could get to anybody (She cries) Jeremy: Hey, hey, come here (He embraces her) Jeremy: It's gonna be okay Elena: No it's not Jeremy: She's gonna pay Elena. I don't know how but she's gonna pay [Lockwood Mansion] (Tyler arrives and rejoins his mother) Tyler: It looks good Carol: Thanks. It was nice to see Matt today. He hasn't been around for a while Tyler: We've both been busy I guess. Have you seen Mason? The guy's been off all day Carol: Actually Tyler, Mason headed back to Florida Tyler: What? Carol: I'm sorry, honey. I know how much you two hinted off Tyler: So he just left Carol: I was hoping he'd stick around, I thought that with your dad gone... anyway, he's gone. So, I guess it's just you and me now [Salvatore house] (Elena rejoins Stefan in the library. He's crying) Stefan: I'm so sorry Elena: We were stupid. Sniking around, thinking that we weren't gonna get caught Stefan: I know Elena: We did this. Stefan, Jenna's in the hospital and Jeremy could be next all because we didn't listen to her, because we're together. Stefan... Stefan: I know what you're gonna say to me Elena: Then let me say it. I've been so selfish because I love you so much and I know how much you love me but it's over. Stefan, it has to be Stefan: Elena, i... (They are both crying) Elena: No, Stefan. It has to be (She kisses him and leave. Stefan is still crying. Elena goes toward the front door. Damon intercepts her) Damon: Elena. I worked Katherine out. I wasn't thinking, I didn't think! Elena: It doesn't matter, Damon. She won. Katherine won (She looks at him and leaves) [Katherine's bedroom] Katherine: I apologize if I seem rattled. The circumstances have changed suddenly and I had to adjust. Mind control is necessarily evil. You see, I need a werewolf and I've lost the one that I had. Now tell me what you're going to do to help me get a new one (She is talking to Matt) Matt: I'm going to go after Tyler Lockwood (She compels him) Katherine: And you're not going to stop Matt: And I'm not going to stop Katherine: Until? Matt: Until he kills me
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[Scene: Magic School. Library. Paige, a man, and his daughter are there.] Paige: So the wizard didn't realise the weight of the book. And after he put them on the shelves, they blew up everywhere and he had to re-conjure the entire library magically. But because he was a wizard, it only took him a couple of minutes. (The man and the daughter giggle.) Yeah, it's a cute story. (under her breath) The first couple thousand times you tell it. Man: Excuse me? Paige: Nothing. That's pretty much the bulk of the tour. Would you like to know anything about the facilities, students, teachers? (Suddenly, Drake comes flying out of a room and he crashes against a wall.) Drake: Boy. That was swinging! Hi. Paige: Hi. This is Professor Drake. This is April, one of the students who's applying. Drake: Oh, salutations. How do you do? Hello. Paige: Drake is our visiting lecturer on advanced magical compositions. Drake: In this case, magical musical compositions. That's the use of meter and tempo in spell casting and conjuring. (They hear a grunt and a loud noise coming from the room.) Oh, the troll is here. Why don't we see if he'll dance for us. Come on. (They stand at the doorway.) Hey, you put them down! All of 'em. April: Wow, will I get to take his class? Drake: Sure, why not? Paige: Yeah, actually, Professor Drake's gonna be going on sabbatical in about a week. Drake: That's right. I forgot about that little wrinkle. But with eager minds, and the power of magic, it's midsummer madness all the time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta cut in. Opening Credits [Scene: Street. A security officer is standing in front of an abandoned building, pointing a gun. People are panicking and trying to get away from him.] Security Officer: They'll burn! They'll burn! Don't you understand? They'll burn. We have to help them. (The police pull up.) I don't want to hurt anybody. We have to help them! They're burning. (The police get out of the car and point their guns at him.) I don't wanna hurt nobody, but I need somebody to listen. We need help. (A police officer tackles him to the ground.) You don't understand. You don't understand. The fire... Police Officer: Relax, pal, you're under arrest. (He handcuffs him.) Get up. Security Officer: We gotta help Marie! Police Officer: Just calm down, buddy. Come on, everything's gonna be okay. Security Officer: No, it won't. You don't understand. The fire. You have to let me go so I can get help! They're gonna burn! They're gonna burn! (Screams are heard from a muddy hole in front of the building.) [Scene: Manor. Piper's Bedroom. Piper and Leo are there packing a suitcase. Wyatt is sitting on the bed.] Piper: Uh, rain gear for the kids? Leo: Yes. Piper: Camera and film? Leo: Of course. (Piper picks up an Italian dictionary and flips through it.) Piper: Extra room for my... Pattini? Leo: (thinks) Pattini. Piper: Shoes. It's not a vacation in Italia if you don't have new shoes. (Leo laughs.) What's the matter? Leo: I don't know. I guess I still don't think that this is such a good idea. Piper: Why not? In Hong Kong, we'll buy you some suits or bootleg DVDs or something. Leo: It's not the shopping. It's this whole world vacation thing. I just think we should stay here and wait for the Elders' decision on me. Piper: Absolutely not. That's precisely why we should be going. Look, we're all together, we deserve a vacation. And we're not gonna sit around and wait for the other pattini to drop, so that's that. We're going. Leo: But what about the travel and the cost? Piper: Oh, for god sakes, Leo. We're orbing. Leo: Okay, well, what about Phoebe and Paige? Piper: What about them? Leo: Well, they made us this big send-off dinner last night. Piper: Oh, please. They ordered pizza. Leo: Right. And we're not helping with the clean up. Piper: Wow, if that's the best you got, you really do need a vacation. Leo: But... Piper: Arresto! Look, Phoebe and Paige just remade the world. I think they can handle the kitchen. Now, unless you have any more objections... (They pick up Wyatt and Chris and their bags.) Leaning Tower of Pisa, here we come. (Leo orbs them all out of the room.) [Cut to the Kitchen. Phoebe is on the phone. Paige is at the sink cleaning the dishes.] Phoebe: I know, but Elise, why can't we just do the interview here? You know, kind of like an Ask Phoebe at home thing. Oh, yeah, the place looks great! (Paige makes a face.) Yeah, call them, I'll hold on. Paige: That sounds exciting. Phoebe: I guess. Paige: What do you mean? You have Cosmo profiling you. That'd be great at any time. Sheesh. Phoebe: I know, but I still want to make the most out of my day. Paige: Phoebe, you asked to meet me here at... 8:22. That's not making the most of your day. That's some sort of weird OCD thing. What's going on? Phoebe: I don't know. Maybe meeting Drake and realising what little time he has left has made me want to make the most of the time I have left? You know, time's a'wastin'. Paige: Yeah, well, at least you're not wasting all your time at Magic School. (The doorbell rings. Still on the phone, Phoebe heads for the front door.) Phoebe: (to phone) Yeah, Elise, I'm still here. Oh, they can move it, that's perfect. (Paige follows Phoebe to the front door.) Just as long as the shoot's over by 3:00, 'cause I'm speaking at City College. All right, I'll be there in like twenty-five minutes. (Phoebe hangs up.) Paige: Sheesh, woman. You're a machine. Phoebe: Every moment counts. Can you do me a favour and help me get this place cleaned up by 2:00? Great, thanks. (Phoebe opens the door.) Hey, Darryl, how you doing? Gotta go. (Phoebe grabs her coat.) Darryl: Hey, hold on a second. I need your help. Hi, Paige. Phoebe: I was afraid you were gonna say that. Paige: What's the matter? Darryl: I'm not sure, but I think I've been around you guys long enough to know when something is not right. Paige: What do you mean? Something magically wrong? Darryl: I don't know what else it can be. Phoebe: Listen, I'm on the clock here, so you gotta speed this up a little. Darryl: Okay, look, my friend Mike, my mentor, actually. He's the one that brought me into the force. I think that... he might be, you know, possessed, maybe. He's not crazy. I don't care what anybody says. I mean, Mike would not hurt a fly. Paige: Whoa, wait. Back up to the possessed thing, please. Darryl: Well, since Mike retired, he's been working at this jewelry store as security on Market. And lately he's been having these... episodes. Phoebe: What kind of episodes? Darryl: Well, they've been happening more and more frequently lately until yesterday when he just snapped. He started waving his gun around, talking about he's gonna die in some terrible fire at Cabaret Fantome. Paige: I haven't heard of that place. Darryl: Look... I haven't asked you guys for help like this before. Phoebe: Okay. Well, if I move my staff meeting to 11:00 and my 1:00 to 1:30, I should be able to help you right now. So I will check the archives for the club, Paige, you go with Darryl and check out this Mike guy, and we'll meet back here at like, I don't know, 1:10. (Phoebe leaves. Paige shrugs her shoulders.) [Scene: Bay General Hospital. A Room. Mike is strapped to a bed. He is yelling and trying to get free.] Mike: No! I need... I need somebody to listen to me! I don't have much time. You understand? I don't have much time! (Paige and Darryl stand at the doorway.) Darryl: You see what I mean? Paige: It doesn't seem demonic. Darryl: Not demonic? I'm telling you, he doesn't even know who I am. He acts like he doesn't even know who he is. Mike: Help! Let me get out of here! Paige: He mostly seems afraid and panicky. All right, here goes. (They walk over to Mike.) Hi, I... I'm... Mike: Marie. Paige: No, I'm Paige. Who's Marie? Mike: My fiance. She's trapped too. Paige: Trapped where? Mike: At the club with everybody else. Paige: Cabaret Fantome? Mike: Yes! Yes, you know it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You believe me? Darryl: Just relax, Mike. Mike: No! My name is George. I keep telling you that! We're gonna die. Don't you understand that? Darryl: If that's not possession, what is it? [Scene: Magic School. Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe shows Paige an old newspaper.] Phoebe: Cabaret Fantome, deadly fire. Maybe Darryl's friend isn't so crazy after all. The Count's club was the biggest, most corrupt in the city. Right until it burned down, killing everyone inside. Paige: Okay, why would the Count set the fire in the club, only to die in it himself? Phoebe: I don't know, maybe he couldn't get out fast enough? Paige: Maybe we should talk to George. Phoebe: George? Who's George? Paige: If I'm right, he's somebody who died in the fire. I think he's a spirit that's possessed Mike and he's crying out for help. Phoebe: Yeah, but why would he need help? The fire happened over a hundred years ago. (Drake walks in.) Drake: Help from the pain of being a lost soul, perhaps. Paige asked me to do a little research in between classes. (He drops a book on the table.) Phoebe: "Possessions, Confessions, and Ghostly Obsessions: A demon's guide to everything magical." Drake: Yeah, I used to sell these things lair to lair. Talk about a tough item to move. (The book opens.) Phoebe: "Lost souls are spirits of the dead, unable to move on because of spiritual confusion." Drake: That's when souls die a violent death together. The fires of Gomorrah, the Flood, Pompeii. (The book starts to shake.) I would step back. The book likes to show off a little, don't you? (A rope flies out of the book.) Phoebe: What the hell? Drake: Don't be afraid, it's simply illustrating a point. When souls die at once, the good ones can't move on because the bad ones are holding them back. And vice versa. They're lost, they're stuck in their respective afterlives, unaware of their tragic fate. It's really sad, actually. (The book slams shut.) Phoebe: Okay, but if they're unaware, how are we supposed to help George? Drake: We can't. Unless we enter his world and find out which one of those bad souls is holding him back. Phoebe: Excuse me? Drake: Well, this spell would get us there, but I'm not gonna tell you what it is unless you take me. Phoebe: Wait, us? Drake: How many chances do we have to go to the 1890s? Paige: It's not going to the 1890s that's the problem. It's getting back from the 1890s. Drake: Don't you worry there, little lady. The spell will only keep us with the souls till the moment they become lost. In this case, it's when the fire begins. Paige: Okay, how do we free George? Drake: I don't know, we wing it. Paige: Uh, okay. I don't know. I'm gonna go check out some other things. (Paige walks away.) Drake: All right. You don't have to go, but you do. Phoebe: I can't. I have an interview today. Drake: Interview shminterview. How does an interview weigh in against the fate of an innocent? And if we are to help, your premonition skills could prove essential. And it is the next logical step in our whirlwind romance. Phoebe: What whirlwind romance? Drake: The one we'd be having if we had time. Come on, I don't have long to live, I'm dying here. A soul needs your help. So, what do you say? (Phoebe sighs.) [Scene: Street. Phoebe, Paige and Drake pull up outside a large abandoned building.] Paige: Are you sure this is the place? Phoebe: It says here it's where the cabaret used to be. Paige: A vacant lot after 106 years? Drake: It's probably haunted. Or better yet cursed. Cool, let's go. Paige: Is there a special reason we can't do this from home? Drake: The closer we are to where the souls were lost, the better the chances of finding the exact one we are looking for. Excuse me. Safety first. (He gets out of his seat and climbs over to the back seat where Phoebe is. Phoebe giggles.) Phoebe: What are you doing? Drake: Getting comfortable. What else? You don't want my body... slumped in the front seat. It's too conspicuous. Phoebe, living isn't about tasks. It's about living. (Drake clicks his fingers and an old sheet of paper appears in his hand.) Phoebe: All right. Paige, are you gonna make sure Elise bumps my interview two hours? Paige: I'm all over it. Phoebe: And we will be back before two hours? Drake: Yeah. We'll return just when the fire begins. Which, based on what you said about George, seems imminent. "Free our souls from their shells, see where the lost spirits dwell, long enough to find their pain, quick enough to return again." (Phoebe and Drake fall asleep.) [Cut to inside Cabaret Fantome. 1890s. Phoebe and Drake appear on a staircase. Phoebe is wearing a red feathery dress and Drake is wearing a black tuxedo.] Phoebe: Oh, my. (They look around and see men and women drinking and talking. A man is playing a piano.) This is... Drake: Fantastic. Well, you look stunning. Phoebe: Why, thank you. You don't look so bad yourself. Drake: Well, thank you very much. (Phoebe takes Drake's arm and they walk down the stairs.) Phoebe: So, what do we do now? Drake: We mingle. (They walk through the room. A man sitting at a table near by with some women stands up.) Count Roget: Ladies, please. (The women walk away.) Toulouse, who the hell is that? (A man turns around and looks at Phoebe and Drake.) Toulouse: Never seen 'em before, boss. Count Roget: Nor have I. Find out who they are. (Phoebe and Drake notice Count Roget staring at them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cabaret Fantome. Continued from before. Phoebe and Drake are walking through the room.] Drake: Pardon us. Phoebe: So all these people are stuck in some, like, ghostly limbo? As if the fire never happened? Drake: It happened. Otherwise they wouldn't be here. (Drake watches a woman walk past them.) Phoebe: All right, keep your eyes in your socket, buddy. We're here for George, remember? Drake: That doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves. Come on, it's 1899. You may not remember, but I do. What, the Gilded age? It's a time when everyone thought life couldn't possibly get any better. There was science, there was art. There was peace and love. And romance. Everything was a celebration. Phoebe: This is a celebration? Everyone's dead, just like... Woman's Voice: George? George? (A woman walks up to a fortune teller sitting at a table.) What did you do to him? Fortune Teller: I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. Woman: Don't lie to me. I saw him over here talking to you and now he's gone. Fortune Teller: What can I say? He likes my cards. Still, I don't know where he is. Now, if you'll excuse me. (A man sits at the fortune teller's table. The woman walks away.) Phoebe: Uh, excuse me? I couldn't help but overhear. Do you know George? Woman: Who are you? Phoebe: That doesn't matter. But what does matter is that George came to us for help. About the fire? Woman: What fire? What are you talking about? I don't have time for this. (The woman walks away.) Phoebe: She doesn't know about the fire either? Drake: That's because it hasn't happened yet. Not as far as she's concerned. Not as far as they're all concerned. Phoebe: Huh? Drake: Don't you see? They're doomed to repeat the last few hours over and over again. It's like a never-ending loop. Phoebe: Well, that's just terrible. What could possibly cause such a thing? Drake: What or who? (They look over at Count Roget. Toulouse walks up to Count Roget.) Count Roget: Well? Toulouse: Well, they're not the law. I don't know where they came from. Count Roget: I'm more interested in how they got in. And if they're my way out. Toulouse: What do you mean? Count Roget: Toulouse, what if I was to tell you everyone in this room has been reliving this same night for over 100 years? Like rats on a wheel. I mean, nobody knows it but me. And what if, no matter what anybody did, or how hard they tried, there's absolutely no way out? And all the drinking and gambling and... the girls. Well, what if they didn't mean squat? What if, you'll love this, I told you that it was going to be like that forever? Forever. What would you say then? Toulouse: Well... Would I get to keep my tips? Count Roget: Bring me a Scotch. Champagne for the lady, and a cigar for the gentleman. I want them to be comfortable when I meet them. Toulouse: Yes, sir. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Paige has put Phoebe and Drake on the chairs.] Paige: Okay, if you guys are not back in two minutes, I'm calling Piper. (The doorbell rings. Paige walks into the foyer and opens the door. Elise and the photographers are there.) Hey, Elise. What are you doing here? Elise: Well, what do you mean? I'm here with Cosmo for the photo shoot. Where's Phoebe? Paige: Uh, Phoebe... Didn't you get her message? She said she's gonna have to reschedule. Elise: What? Paige: Yeah, just for a couple hours. (Elise walks inside and closes the door.) Elise: I never got the message to push the shoot. Are you out of your mind? We're talking national exposure here for her column. The kind you can't buy, and the deadline is tonight! And no, I can't just... (Elise sees Phoebe asleep in the chair in the conservatory.) Phoebe? Phoebe, we talked about this. (Elise heads for the conservatory.) You blow it with Cosmo once, you don't get a second chance. What is the matter with her? (Paige stands in front of Elise, stopping her from walking any further.) Paige: Well... I'd say that she's got food poisoning. Elise: Food poisoning! Paige: Shh. I think the more she can sleep, the quicker she'll get better. Elise: When? When is she gonna get better? Paige: Well, like I was trying to say... A couple hours. Have you thought about doing it at the office? (They walk back towards the door.) Elise: Well, that is where I originally wanted it, but... Paige: See? You're brilliant. Really, a brilliant woman. Okay, I promise you'll have her there. Elise: She better be. (Elise leaves. Paige walks into the conservatory.) Paige: Piper! Piper, Leo! (Piper, Leo, Wyatt and Chris orb in.) How was the vacation? Piper: This better be an emergency. We were just about to go for a gondola ride. (Paige points to Phoebe and Drake.) Per l'amor di dio! (Leo translates.) Leo: Oh, for the love of god. [Scene: Cabaret Fantome. A fan dancer walks on stage and talks to the piano player. Phoebe and Drake are sitting at a table. Count Roget is sitting at a table beside them.] Drake: Hey, a fan dance. I love a fan dance. Wait'll you see this. (Phoebe looks uninterested.) Nevermind. Count Roget: Yes, it is quite a sight. A beautiful woman onstage, nothing between her and the audience except two ostrich plume fans. The allure of the dance is to watch how she moves with the fans. Showing only what she wants, not an inch more. Phoebe: Is the dance ever performed by a man? Count Roget: So tell me, my new friends, how exactly do you know George? Phoebe, Drake: What makes you think that we do? Count Roget: Well, I saw you talking to his fiance, Marie. She seems terribly distraught, doesn't she? Phoebe: She doesn't know what happened to him. Drake: Do you? Count Roget: I've been concerned about him recently. Keeping an eye on him, you know. He is my best barkeep, after all. Phoebe: And you don't know what happened? Count Roget: I wish I did. So, how did you come to learn about Cabaret Fantome? Phoebe: Word gets out. Drake: Hard to keep a place like this hidden forever. Count Roget: Do you like the cigar? Drake: Quite. Count Roget: They're hand rolled in Havana, and shipped to my dealer Philippe, special. He's right across the street actually. Would you like to take in the night air, pay him a visit? He loves new customers. Phoebe: Sure. Care to join us? Count Roget: Sadly, I am unable to leave the club. Drake: And why is that? Count Roget: Because as they say... the show must go on, right? Piano Player: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host, Count Roget. (Count Roget stands up.) Count Roget: Feel free to enjoy the show from here. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Phoebe: We're dying to see it. (Count Roget walks up on stage. Everyone applauds. Suddenly, a glass window shatters and you can see a fire on the other side. Everyone screams and runs for it. The clock says 12:00.) Right on time. (Another window shatters near the fortune teller. Everyone screams.) Drake: Could have waited till after the show. Come on, we gotta get to the spot. (Everyone tries to escape and the doors slam shut. The place is going up in flames. Chandeliers fall.) Maria: George! (Phoebe and Drake head for the stairs.) Phoebe: We have to help her. Maria: George, where are you! Drake: We can't. We stay, we burn. Don't worry, she'll be back tomorrow. [Scene: Bay General Hospital. Room. Mike is struggling to get free from his bed. A nurse is trying to control him.] Mike: The fire! (Darryl runs in.) Darryl: What's wrong? What's going on? Go, go get some help! Nurse: Right away. (The nurse runs outside. Mike glows and calms down.) [Cut to the Cabaret Fantome. Phoebe and Drake are at the top of the stairs. George suddenly appears in the room.] George: Marie! (Marie runs over to him. They hug.) Just hold on. (Count Roget sits down at a table. He sees Phoebe and Drake vanish.) [Cut to the Manor. Conservatory. Piper and Paige are there. Leo walks in.] Leo: There's nothing in the Book that tells us how to get them back. So... Since I can't talk to the Elders... (Phoebe and Drake suddenly wake up.) Paige: Phoebe? Piper: Are you all right? Phoebe: I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Continued from before.] Phoebe: And that's when the good souls tried to escape, but couldn't. Piper: Couldn't? Drake: Yeah, all the exits were magically sealed. (Drake stands up.) I got dead leg. I'll be down here. Sorry. (He sits back down.) Leo: At least nobody knows they're gonna re-live it. Phoebe: The Count definitely knew. He just stood there watching everybody burn. Paige: You think he's a demon? Phoebe: No, if he was, he wouldn't be reliving it. Drake: No, but maybe he made a deal with a demon. If he's the one bad soul trying to hold everyone back, he'd do anything to keep from moving on. Piper: Doesn't seem like much of a deal, though. He's stuck as well. Drake: Yeah, but anything's better than purgatory. Trust me, it's... Besides, he's probably trying to buy time. Find another way out. Phoebe: Okay, so how do we help George and the other souls move on? Leo: First you've gotta find a way to separate their souls from the Count's. Phoebe: Yeah, but how? Piper: Find the demon who he made the deal with and get him to break it. Paige: Think that demon's around? Piper: Well, this one is. Drake: Yeah, but not for long. Besides, that's not really the point. I mean, enough about me. What do you think of me? Piper: Let's go check the Book. Andiamo. Drake: Ciao, ciao. (Piper and Leo leave the room.) Phoebe: Maybe we should go talk to George and see if he remembers what the demon looks like. Paige: Hello. Hello. Magazine. Interview. Cosmo. Canceling twice. Phoebe: Well, I think this is a little bit more important than Cosmo, don't you? Drake: Paige, there is a lot more to life than work. There's adventure. Paige: Really? I wouldn't know. Phoebe: Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you do it? Paige: What? Phoebe: Be me. You can glamour. You've done it before. Paige, it'll give you a little taste of life outside Magic School. And besides, if anyone knows me as well as I know me, it's you. Just fake it. Paige: Why don't I just go talk to George? Drake: Because if we have to go back at the Cabaret afterwards, the Count is expecting Phoebe. Feathers and all. Paige: Feathers? Phoebe: Don't ask. [Scene: Bay General Hospital. Hallway. Phoebe, Drake and Darryl are there.] Darryl: The doctors are saying that he's schizophrenic or something. First he's George, then he's back to being Mike again. Now he's George. Phoebe: That must be who we saw get back into the club before we left. Drake: Perhaps the fire starting is what pulled George back in the time warp. Phoebe: He knows what's really going on. Drake: And can only escape long enough to cry for help. Darryl: What are you two talking about? Phoebe: The fire that your friend's screaming about, Darryl, is real. Very real. Drake: That's how poor George died. Phoebe: And the only way he knows how to cry out for help is to possess your friend. Darryl: But why? Why Mike? Drake: Proximity. (They hear Mike screaming from the room.) Phoebe: You ready? Drake: No. Phoebe: Let's go. Drake: Okay. (They walk into the room.) Mike: I gotta get out of the fire! It's coming back! I need somebody to believe me! Phoebe: We believe you, George. Mike: George? Then you do believe me? Phoebe: Yes. Drake: We also saw Marie just as we left. Mike: You can go in and out without getting burned? How? Drake: Well, you kind of have to die first. Phoebe: We can go back in to free you and everybody else, but we're gonna need your help. Mike: Anything. Anything. Phoebe: What can you tell us about the Count? Mike: He's the one who did this. He cursed everybody to save himself. Phoebe: Yeah, we know. Drake: Maybe he was talking to someone else, maybe there's... Phoebe: Did you see him talk to anybody else, anyone unusual that night? Mike: Yes, yes! Every night before the show he sits with this frightening-looking man at the centre table. And then the Count, he signs something. Drake: That could be the deal. Phoebe: They might still be there. Drake: This may be a silly question. Is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable? Mike: Save Marie. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Leo is there writing in the Book of Shadows. Piper walks in.] Piper: Kids are down for the count. No pun intended. What are you doing? Leo: Me? Nothing. Piper: Yes, you are. You're writing in the Book? (Piper looks at the Book.) Leo: No, I was just looking for demons. Piper: "Tips for future Whitelighters." What? Leo: It's just something I was working on for the kids. You know... Piper: No, I don't know. Why can't you just tell them this yourself when they're ready? Leo: Because I might not be around. Piper: Come on. Leo: Look, Piper, I know you want to ignore everything going on with the Elders, but I can't. We don't know what they're gonna do to me or when. Piper: They can't just yank you out of our lives, Leo. Leo: How do you know that? Piper: Because they can't. And if they did, I'd quit. We'd all quit. Is that why you didn't want to go around the world in 80 orbs? Leo: Yeah, I just wanted to finish it. Just in case. Piper: Okay. Did you even look for demons? Leo: Yeah, I found this one. Sargon. Traders of souls, preys on the afterlife. Piper: Well, it certainly looks like our guy except... we vanquished him already. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Hallway. Paige walks in.] Paige: I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. (She sees a poster on the wall of Phoebe.) You owe me. (Paige glamours into Phoebe.) Paige/Phoebe: Hello, sis. (Paige/Phoebe walks into the office. Elise, the photographer and the interviewer are there. Elise rushes up to her.) Elise: Phoebe, there you are. You look great. You feeling better? You are so late. Paige/Phoebe: I know. Maybe we should just reschedule. Elise: Not a chance. Come meet everybody. Cameron: Hi, I'm Cameron. Paige/Phoebe: Hi, it's nice to meet you. So, you're the photographer? Cameron: Uh, I'm interviewing you. We spoke on the phone? Twice? Paige/Phoebe: That's right. I'm sorry. I got confused. I thought you said, "I'm the camera man." Get it? Cameron: Okay, so I'm gonna ask you questions while they shoot. Is that all right with you? (She stands Phoebe in front of a background.) Paige/Phoebe: Sure. Cameron: Okay, great. Paige/Phoebe: Shoot away. (The photographer takes a photo. The flash hurts her eyes.) Cameron: Are you all right? Paige/Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, it's just new contacts. Cameron: So why don't we start with what inspired you to become an advice columnist? Paige/Phoebe: That's a really good question. Well, I guess growing up as an only child... Cameron: I'm sorry, only child? Paige/Phoebe: I meant Paige grew up as an only child. I mean, that's how she grew up until she met her sisters, you know, us, me. And that had absolutely nothing to do with why Phoebe became an advice columnist. (Elise laughs.) Elise: She talks about herself in the third person. Paige/Phoebe: Yeah, what I meant to say was that Paige had a lot to do with my decision. Well, she opened up a whole new world for me, and made me see how much I really have to offer. And I can honestly say, that I would not be standing here today if it wasn't for Paige. Cameron: Oh, great. (Paige/Phoebe poses for the camera.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Leo are there. Phoebe and Drake walk in.] Phoebe: Hi, okay. According to Mike... Drake: George. Phoebe: Whatever. There was in fact a demon in the club that night who... Piper: We vanquished, five years ago. Phoebe: What? Are you serious? Piper: 'Fraid so. Leo: And according to the Book, there aren't other demons who could've made the deal either. Phoebe: Well, how do we get them to unmake it? Drake: We go back. Piper: No! What? No. Phoebe: No, I think he's right. It's the only way we're gonna be able to find the demon. Piper: But you said yourself you barely made it out alive last time. Besides, you don't even know what he looks like. Phoebe: Well, George told us where to find him. Drake: It's simple. We go back. I talk to him demon to demon, talon to talon, claw to claw. Make him unmake the deal. Phoebe: Hopefully, the souls'll be released. Drake: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay. Let's do it. (Phoebe and Drake sit on a couch.) This time no messing around, okay? We get in, we find him, we get out. Drake: Might wanna stay for the show. Piper: Wait. What are we supposed to do? Phoebe: What you always do. Worry. [Scene: Cabaret Fantome. Phoebe and Drake appear at the top of the stairs.] Phoebe: We're late. Drake: No, we're not. Let's go. (They run down the stairs.) Phoebe: There's nobody at that centre table. (Count Roget walks up to them.) Count Roget: Your demon is long gone. In fact, he left 106 years ago. Right after we made the deal. Long before the fire. You know... (in Mike's voice) The fire! It's coming back! You gotta believe me! (Phoebe and Drake see George and Marie sitting at a table near by. Toulouse has a gun pointed at them.) Please, you gotta help me and Marie! Or something like that? Phoebe: Oh my god, that was you in Mike's body. You tricked us! Drake: Slow down. Piano Player: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Count Roget. Count Roget: I regret to inform you that tonight's fan dance is going to be cancelled. (He points a gun at Phoebe and Drake. All the windows shatter. Everyone screams.) Phoebe: You really think that gun's gonna do anything? Count Roget: Indeed. If you can burn, you can bleed. (He shoots Drake in the chest. He falls backwards.) You really shouldn't bother. Both of you will die soon enough. Since your friend George has found a temporary way out, I now have found my permanent way out. (Count Roget walks to the top of the stairs and disappears.) [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper is pacing.] Leo: You know, they haven't been gone that long, relax. Piper: Oh, no. I can't relax. I worry, remember? (Drake wakes up.) Drake, what happened? Why isn't Phoebe waking up? Drake, did you hear me? What the hell is wrong with Phoebe? Drake: I suppose she didn't make it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Continued from before. Count Roget/Drake is looking at himself in the mirror.] Piper: What do you mean she didn't make it? How is that possible? Count Roget/Drake: I don't know. (He hits the mirror and it spins.) Clumsy... (He hits the mirror again and it hits him in the head.) Piper: What's the matter with you? Count Roget/Drake: Nothing. Actually, I'm splendid. I mean... swell. Leo: Look, you have to go back and get her before the fire starts. Count Roget/Drake: It's already begun. Piper: Well, then you need to go get her. Go! Count Roget/Drake: No. What do you mean, go back there? Forget it. Leo: Why not? (Count Roget/Drake looks out the window.) Count Roget/Drake: Perhaps if I go... outside... Have a smoke, you know, like... Consider the possibility of going back. I gotta go. Excuse me. Piper: Who are you? Count Roget! (Piper tries to blow him up.) Count Roget/Drake: Oh, not bad. I guess I did choose the right body. (Leo puts up his hands. Piper stops him.) Piper: No, don't. You're in enough trouble already with... (Count Roget/Drake shimmers out.) The Elders. [Cut to Cabaret Fantome. The place is on fire. Everyone is screaming and trying to escape. Phoebe is kneeling beside Drake.] Drake: Go. I'm gonna die anyway. Get out of here. Phoebe: Not like this. If George can get out, we can too. We just have to think about this. We have to think about it. Drake: Fortune teller. Phoebe: Okay. (They go over to the fortune teller's table. They look in a book.) Perfect. Perfect escape from the ordinary. Five card spread. (She places tarot cards on the table.) Drake: Listen, odds are the Count's possessed my body. Until he's evicted, I got nowhere to go. Only you can get out into your body. Even though I'm into your body, I still can't get out. Phoebe: I'll come back for you. Drake: If he puts up a fight, you just vanquish my sorry ass. I don't care. But only as a last resort. Phoebe: Okay. Vita Brevis Abraxis. (Phoebe disappears in a cloud of smoke. Drake coughs.) Drake: Can I get a water? [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper and Leo are there. Piper picks up a vial.] Piper: This should dispossess him, if we can find him. Leo: He's off the radar. There's nothing in the Book to help locate him. Piper: You were onto something a minute ago. (Phoebe wakes up and gasps.) Phoebe? Phoebe: Where's the Count? Piper: Wait a minute. What's my middle name? Phoebe: Uh, Surly? Piper: Ha. That's my girl. Phoebe: Whatever, where's Drake's body? Piper: We don't know. Leo: We can't scry for him. But we're thinking maybe he's in a pub, or a restaurant. Phoebe: Or a tobacco shop. I think I know where to find him. [Scene: Street. Count Roget/Drake is running from a couple walking their dog. He steps onto the road and a motorbike rides past him.] Count Roget/Drake: Whoa! What kind of terrible world is this? (Piper, Phoebe and Leo walk around the corner.) Piper: One you'll be leaving soon. Count Roget/Drake: No. They'll take me away! Phoebe: Go to hell! (Phoebe throws a vial at his feet. Drake's body falls to the ground leaving Count Roget's soul standing there. Black shadows surround him and he screams. They suck him into the ground. Piper, Phoebe and Leo watch as the souls from the Cabaret Fantome are freed and rise into the sky.) [Cut to Bay General Hospital. Room. Mike looks over at Darryl.] Mike: Darryl? Darryl: Mike. Is that you? Mike: Of course it's me. (He notices that he's strapped to the bed.) What's... what's going on here? (Darryl laughs.) Darryl: You wouldn't believe me if I told you. [Cut to the street. Drake wakes up. Phoebe tries to help him up.] Phoebe: Welcome back. Drake: Thank you. (Drake pulls Phoebe onto his lap. Phoebe giggles.) Thank you for bringing me back. This boy was getting hot. Phoebe: I'll bet. [Scene: P3. Piper and Leo are sitting at a table. Leo is reading out of a book trying to speak Italian.] Piper: Leonardo, it's bene. Leo: The vacation was a great idea. Piper: Just not great timing. Leo: Yeah, well, life is short, bella. Piper: Are you quoting Drake now? Leo: He's got a point. Thanks for trying to distract me from the Elders. Piper: I just wished it would've worked out the way I planned. Leo: Could be worse. Piper: I think from now on I'm gonna stop trying to control every little moment. The best ones kinda sneak up on you anyway. (They smile at each other and clink their wine glasses.) [Cut to another table. Phoebe is sitting there. Paige walks up to her.] Paige: Excuse me, have you seen Phoebe? Phoebe: Very funny. (Paige sits down.) Paige: Wow, I haven't seen you this relaxed in quite a long time. After having been you, I kinda see why. Phoebe: Well, I'm trying to take a step back and enjoy every moment. Hey, thank you. You did a great job. Nobody ever knew. Paige: Well, you're welcome. I think after reading the article, you'll find that your little sister got praised quite a bit. Phoebe: Deservedly so. Paige: I actually think I got more out of it than you did. I kinda miss being out there in the real world, you know. Phoebe: Maybe you should do something about that. Paige: Maybe I will. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, P3 is proud to present a one night only show by... (Piper and Leo sit at their table.) Leo: What's going on? Announcer: Drake Demond. (Everyone applauds.) Phoebe: Oh my god. Piper: This is what happens when you have one week to live? Paige: What is he up to? Phoebe: Just be grateful it's not a fan dance. (Music starts playing. A spotlight shines down on Drake on stage. He sings "Everything's Kind Of Good". When he's finished the spotlight turns off and everyone applauds.)
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CRU - Street Rusty : I'm telling you, Baldwin's rules for ring closure, they don't even apply. Dr. Albert's wrong. Dale : Then somebody better change Baldwin's rules between now and the final. Rusty : Dr. Albert is not infallible, Dale. Dale : If you define "infallible" as I do in this situation as in "holds my future in her hands," then yes, she is. What you looking at? Dr. Albert? Did she hear you say she wasn't infallible? Please, Lord, grant me invisibility... Rusty : No. It's the girl from my American lit class. Just don't stare so much. Dale : That girl right there? I hate to say this, but I liked it better when you weren't on the prowl. Rusty : That's the Moby Dick girl. Dale : I'm not real sure I'm comfortable with that statement either. Rusty : Last week, in my American lit class, Mr. Ellman pointed to me and he's like, "Mr. Cartwright," and I said, "No, please call me Ishmael." Both : Emma cracked up. Dale : It's such a good story. Every time. Rusty : She got the joke. I think she gets me. You know how rare that is? Dale : No, not really. But what I do know is that obsessing, particularly in the carnal realm, distracts the mind from important matters, like solid-state chemistry. Rusty : My work in solid-state chemistry is not suffering because of Emma. Dale : Well, mine is. If you like this girl, for heaven's sake, and mine, just ask her out. Rusty : She laughed at my joke, she didn't give me her phone number. Look how she closes her book first, and then takes her last sip of coffee. Dale ? No ! Dale : She'll meet you for coffee tonight at the espresso farm, don't thank me. Let's start with exo-digs, you take favored, I'll take unfavored. You wanna sit down or you wanna just keep standing here? Come on. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Frannie : What's going on? Casey : Caroline, Laurie, and Amy have been invited to Lambda Sig pink rose formal. Frannie : It's fantastic. Ashleigh : We're finally moving out of the social dog house. Under the amazing leadership of Casey Cartwright. Frannie : So when do we call the Omega Chis? To build on the momentum? The Lambda Sigs are the second hottest house on campus. Now that they've officially taken us off Greek death row with these invitations, this is the perfect time to push for a full pardon by setting up a mixer with the first hottest house... the Omega Chis. If you thought that was a good idea. Casey : Actually, I think it's a... terrible idea. ZBZ Girl : But the Omega Chis are a rightful social counterpart. Casey : Rightful social counterpart B.J.K. Ashleigh : "Before Jen K." Casey : And the shunning Omega Chi gave us after the article was published? Not to mention B.P.H. Ashleigh : Before... Paris Hilton? Casey : Before public humiliation? The back-to-school carnival. Am I the only one who remembers the kissing booth debacle? The way the Omega Chis publicly humiliated us? Why should we reward them for treating us like that? No, ladies. ZBZs will find their way to the top on their own merits. And in the meantime... We can celebrate, and strengthen from within. How about a game night? We can order pizza, bake cookies... Frannie : Great, that sounds great. It sounds great. Credits CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : 7:00, 8:00.? 7:00 sounds great. No. That's fine. Yeah, all right. I'll see you then. All right, bye. She wants to bring her roommate along on our date. Dale : That can't be a good sign. Rusty : If she didn't want to be alone with me, why didn't she just break the date? Dale : Pity can be a pretty powerful emotion. Or... She likes you so much already, she wants to show you off. Rusty : All right, maybe I should bring somebody to... To keep her roommate busy. So I can have a little one-on-one time with Emma. Dale : That's à good idea. Maybe get one of your frat bros to go along. Rusty : No, I don't wanna have to explain how this whole stupid date thing happened to any of the guys at the fraternity. Especially if it's go up in flames. How about you go with me? You're the one who got me into this. Dale : Rusty, I know you haven't been able to see me in action. You know, pure girls being somewhat in short supply here at CRU. I'm known in certain circles as quite the ladies' man. I wouldn't wanna show you out there. Rusty : What circles are those? Dale : Purity pledge circles. I was voted "most likely to have the opportunity to become impure, but have the supreme self-control not to" three years running in high school. I just don't want to risk our friendship over some girl. Rusty : I'm willing to take the risk. Dale : All right, then. If that's the way you want it, roomie. But be forewarned. I have no control over this charisma. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Rebecca : That sounds terrible. Poor thing! So I'll call you later. That was Cappie. He's sick. Casey : Yeah, I'm suddenly feeling a little nauseous myself. Rebecca : Not having a boyfriend is nothing to get yourself upset about. You don't need a man to have a fulfilling life. You could be the next mother Teresa or Rosie O'Donnell. Caroline and Mandy have already left for the movies yet? Casey : Wait, you're not going to see Cappie? Rebecca : He's sick. Casey : Really? OK. I saw Mandy... Rebecca : What? Casey : It's just... When Cappie and I were together, I always took care of him when he was sick. But... He's probably not even thinking about that right now. Maybe you can just send him a nice warm e-card. I'm sure it'd mean a lot to him. CRU - Garden Ashleigh : Okay, I'm here. So what's with all the secrecy? Frannie : We needed to talk somewhere away from the house. I'm worried about Casey. Ashleigh : Frannie, I know you've supposedly gone through this whole personality overhaul thing, but I'm kind of weirded out when you start talking about your concern for Casey. Frannie : This is not about me. Didn't you notice how everyone was looking at her when she nixed mixing with the Omega Chis? And I know you heard someone call her "Lizzi." Ashleigh : So? Casey, Lizzi. It's an understandable mistake. Frannie : Casey is seriously being blinded to what's good for the house and herself by this Evan-shaped mental block. Which I know I helped to put there. That's why I'm doing everything I can to get everyone back to their rightful places. Ashleigh : If you feel so strongly about this, why don't you talk to Casey about it? Frannie : Because she might be kind of weirded out. Don't let her blow this opportunity, Ash. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Casey : Not wanting to have a mixer with the Omega Chis couldn't possibly have anything to do with my feelings for Evan. I don't have feelings for Evan. It doesn't matter to me if he's arrogant, or rude, or dismissive... I don't even notice. Ashleigh : Yeah, I can see that. Did you know that Amanda gets PE credits for massaging the varsity boys during swim meets? We should just go... Casey : The Omega Chis publicly humiliated the ZBZs at the back-to-school carnival. Right? Ashleigh : From where I was standing, Case, it looked more like... Evan humiliated you. But I could be so wrong. Casey : No, Ash. You're right. It was about Evan and me. But he is an Omega Chi and I am a ZBZ. Ashleigh : Yes, you are. And you're the best president ever. Casey : And there are 50 other girls in this sorority, who didn't get dissed and who want to resume relations with the Omega Chis. Ashleigh : 50 hot, desirable Omega Chis, including Calvin, who might be waiting for an opportunity to disagree with Evan Chambers. Casey : That part would be gratifying. Ashleigh : I'm social chair. I can extend the invitation. Casey : Thanks Ash, but this isn't just about the party. It's about normalizing relations. I need to do it. I can do it. Ashleigh : Wanna go fondle some swimmers first? Casey : You are such a good friend. CRU - Café Emma : So how did you meet? Rusty : Did you guys meet here? You can go first. Emma : No, you first. Dale : Luck of the draw. Housing office saw fit to put us two brainiacs on the engineering dorm. Rusty : Dale, we don't need... Dale : Honors floor. I got a 2210 on my sats. Rusty here got about the same. Tina : I got 2250. Dale : 780 in math. Tina 790. Rusty : Dale's very proud of his accomplishments. Emma : It's okay. Tina's not easily intimidated. Rusty : I see that. Emma : So how are you liking american lit? Rusty : Honestly, I am finding Moby Dick a little long and kinda stiff. I can't believe I just said that. Emma : I say things I don't mean to say all the time. Why do you think I don't talk in class? Rusty : Well, I just figured you were so far ahead of the discussion, you were just waiting for the rest of the class to catch up. Emma : I wish. Mostly I'm just trying to stay awake. Which I guess brings us back to Moby Dick being... Rusty : A little long and stiff. Tina : Is that what I think it is? Rusty : What, what is? Dale : His pledge pin? Or his scarlet letter, if you will? He's in a frat. Rusty : We prefer "fraternity." I'm pledging Kappa Tau Gamma. Tina : The Greek system should be banned from college campuses. Dale : You got a 2250 on your sats, and you're down on the Greeks? Emma : Well, the Greeks aren't so bad. Tina : Emma, they're this totally ritualistic, secretive society. Rusty : I think you may be taking it a little bit too seriously. Tina : You don't think it's serious when an organization takes monies from general students services fees, but doesn't allow all students to participate in its activities? Rusty : Well, the same could be said for most clubs on campus and sports teams. Emma : I could use some more coffee. Rusty : I can get that for you. Dale : You know, I've started an organization you may be interested in, U-Sag. Tina : U- sag? What does that stand for? Dale : University students against Greeks. CRU - Street Rusty : That was a complete disaster. Dale : Are you kidding? That was great. That Tina's a real spitfire. Rusty : Dale, this was supposed to be my date with the new girl, and it turned into the Greek inquisition. They didn't even want us to walk them back to their dorms. Emma : Hey Rusty ! Dale : If Tina wants to call me, tell her it's okay. I'm serious. Emma : I just wanted to apologize for abandoning you tonight. I'm not much good with confrontation. Rusty : Your roommate likes it enough for both of you. Emma : I know. I probably shouldn't have brought her. I didn't really know you, and anyway, I'm really sorry. See you in class? Rusty : Maybe we can try it again? Just you and me? Friday night? Emma : Sure. Why not? Dale : Did you tell her to call me? OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Hallway Evan : Casey ? Casey : Hey! Evan : Hey! Casey : I was looking for Dino. Evan : Dino? Casey : The Omega Chi president? Evan : Yeah, I know. I know who he is. He's not here right now. What did you want to talk to him about? Casey : Just some Greek business. If that's okay with you. Evan : Why wouldn't it be with me? Just that the OCs and the ZBZs aren't exactly doing business anymore. But if you want me to tell Dino you stopped by, I'll tell him. Casey : You know what? Never mind. I don't have to talk to him after all. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Rebecca : Cap ? Cappie : That's my girl ? Rebecca : Hey ? Thought maybe you could use a massage or maybe a sponge... I thought you had a cold. Cappie : I do. I also have pink eye. Rebecca : Bummer. Well, there's some tea. I've gotta go. Cappie : Wait. What's under the white coat, doc? Rebecca : It's... nothing that should be seen through... Crust. Cappie : Is it really that bad? Okay, hold on. Here we go. Better? Rebecca : A little. What? Cappie : I didn't think that you'd come. Rebecca : Why not? Casey took care of you when you were sick, right? Cappie : Well, yeah, but, I mean, you're not... Tea! What is this, Earl Grey? Rebecca : It's chamomile. Is there anything else I can do for you? Cappie : I don't wanna impose. Let's see. Would you mind... Heating that up? Yeah, it's just a little cold. Thanks. And maybe some Chicken noodle soup in a cup, in, like, the mug, you know? It's always better when it's in a mug for when you're sick. With some of the little oyster crackers on top. I'm sorry. It's probably a good thing you wore the coat. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Ashleigh : So the social committee is planning a game night, and I'm taking a poll on board games. Frannie : More like boring games. ZBZ Girl : What we should be planning is a great party with the Omega Chis. Casey : I couldn't agree more. Which is why I went to the Omega Chi house just now to discuss the possibility of mixing with us. Frannie : My God, that's fantastic. Casey : But they said no. Ashleigh : Really? Frannie : Did you talk to Dino? Casey : We're still poison as far as they're concerned. But who cares, right? We don't need the Omega Chis to be the best sority at CRU. We are the ZBZs. We have the Lambda Sigs. We have game night. Now I'm gonna go change my clothes. And then let's scatter some gories. Ashleigh : She did what she could. I guess. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : CD, cD jacket. Think I'm set. Dale : Were you able to include any "Darwin lied"? Rusty : I tried, Dale, but damnation seems like a little bit of a romance killer. Dale : You know what Emma's gonna like, anyway? Rusty : I don't, which is why I emailed her a detailed questionnaire with multiple options in each musical category. She hasn't sent it back, though, so I thought I'd give her some choices that she can cross-reference while deciding. Dale : Man, that's my third email from Tina today. She's really chompin'at the U-Sag bit. I think she's gonna come by our meeting tomorrow. Rusty : I don't get the attraction. Tina's one of the most abrasive people I've ever met. Dale : I'm just not intimidated by strong women. And U-Sag is a big tent organization. CRU - Café Ashleigh : Oh Calvin ! Over here. Calvin : Let me just go grab some coffee. Ashleigh : No! Sit. Calvin : Or... not. Ashleigh : Why don't we have mixers anymore? Calvin : "We" meaning "you and I"? Ashleigh : "We" meaning ZBZ and Omega Chi. You guys totally shut down the idea of having a mixer with us? What's up with that? Calvin : I still have no idea what you're talking about. Ashleigh : Casey said that she got a seriously strong negative reaction from Dino when she invited you guys to mix with us. Calvin : Really? That's weird. When it comes to getting back together with the ZBZs, my sense is most of the guys are fine with it, including Dino. Ashleigh : I need you to do something for me. Calvin : Okay, let me just grab... Ashleigh : No. So this is what I need you to do. CRU - Emma & Tina's door Rusty : "Indelible." Crap. Girl : See you at dinner, Tina. Rusty : Hey Tina. Tina : What are you doing with our white board? Rusty : I just came by to drop off a CD for Emma, and it just fell off. And I thought I would just take it back to my dorm room, slap some adhesive on it, and bring it back. Tina : It fell? Rusty : Crazy? Good thing I was here. And I have adhesive in my room, so... I'm gonna go. Tina : I can't speak for Emma, but I really don't appreciate being part of these little frat pranks. Give me back my white board. Rusty : This has nothing to do with the fraternity. Tina : Then give it back. Don't you think it would have been simpler to just erase it? Rusty : Yes, but... Okay, I used their marker, and it's indelible. Who knew? Tina : Yeah, they're in the middle of this feud with these guys down the hall. Hey, if you could find one with a corkboard, that'd be great. Rusty : Hey, can you just give this to Emma for me? Tina : Any message? Something... Short and limp? Rusty : Just say it's from Rusty. Here. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Meeting room Calvin : All right. Look, we all know the ZBZs have been looked down upon ever since the article. But it's old news. I think it's time we gave them a second chance. They're the same girls that we partied with last semester, and they're awesome. I just don't think we should keep punishing them for something that could have happened to any of us. Evan : I think my little brother is well-intentioned, but, in this particular case, missguided. I mean, come on, guys. The events of the past few months have just shown us who they really are. I mean, they're a house... That... Always puts their own interests first, and ultimately can't be trusted. I mean, no matter how much we might wanna trust them. Dino : Do you really believe that? Evan : Look, if this is about having a mixer, the Tri Pis are always available. Calvin : A little too available. Dino : Why don't we put it to a vote? All those in favor of continuing to shut out the ZBZs? All those opposed. ZBZs have it. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Casey : What, did they just announce a new season of "America's Next Top Model"? Ashleigh : Better! Kyle, the Omega Chi social chair, just came by to invite the Zeta betas to mix with them this weekend. Casey : Wow, that's... That's so not what they said before. But great. Ashleigh : We're gonna have to scramble a little to get the registration forms and keg application into the dean's office in time. But where there's a will, there's a way to get through with the new party restrictions. Right? Casey : Right. We're back on with the Omega Chis. I wonder how all of this happened. Ashleigh : Case, did you ever actually talk to Dino about a mixer? Casey : Why would you even ask me that? Ashleigh : 'cause I talked to Calvin. And from what he was hearing at the house, it didn't sound like you had. Casey : Let's go see that... That was really fun. Right? I really meant to. I wanted to. I went over there, and Evan answered the door, and he was all cold and judgey. I knew what I should say, but I couldn't talk. I couldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing I wanted anything from him. Ashleigh : It's one night. One night that'll make two houses very happy. And all you have to do is sign our half of the registration forms and get through a few hours with Evan. And I have a plan for that. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Hey, guys. Emma loved the CD. I just got a text from her. "T-h-x" with an exclamation point. Sanjay : A bake sale? Ted : Car washes? Dale : Just keep reading. So I guess she wasn't phased by the white board incident. Rusty : I told you, Dale, she gets me. I just want to give her a couple more song choices before class. Sanjay : This is truly ambitious. Rusty : What are you guys doing? Dale : We're meeting with Tina later that afternoon about U-Sag. I just want the guys here to be up to speed on all our suggestions. Rusty : That's a lot of suggestions. Dale : Tina's a real dynamo. And I feel like, you know, it's my job now to harness all her energy. Sanjay : That sounds dirty. Ted : You think everything sounds dirty. Dale : Guys, could we focus? Tina : Dale? You ready? Dale : Come in. Hey. Let me introduce you to Sanjay and Ted. Sanjay : Hi. Ted : Hi. Tina : Sanjay, Ted. Ishmael. So are you guys ready to go? I had a bunch of posters made up. Dale : Posters? But, I mean, we haven't really went over... Tina : We gotta grow this thing. I've got a hammer, and the rest of you guys could just use your shoes. Come on, guys, let's go! Hurry up! Rusty : Nice harnessing. Got extra shoes? KT HOUSE - Living room Rebecca : Anybody know where the charger to Cappie's little video game machine is? Heath : Nope. Rebecca : I don't suppose you have any saltine crackers. Anybody? KT Guy : How 'bout some peanuts? They're warm. Rebecca : Works for me! Okay. I will pay anyone $200 to take this tray up to Cappie's room and watch Reba with him. We're on season five! Heath : No one goes into Cappie's room when he's sick. KT Guy : It's like going into the Bermuda Triangle. With germs. Heath : The only one brave enough to do that was... Rebecca : Casey. I know. KT Guy : I hear she never left his side. Heath : Yeah, she was a real angel of mercy. CRU - Classroom Rusty : Hey... Emma : Hey! Rusty : I also brought you a set of push pins. Because, look, it's got a corkboard on it. And a new set of dry erase pens. 'cause you don't want any more accidents. Emma : No, that's for sure. Thanks. Rusty : And I got you a cup of coffee. Careful. And a full selection of additives. Emma : Wow. Rusty : Last, but not least, here is a few more song samples, an updated hard copy of the cd questionnaire. I figured, since you hadn't responded, you were having trouble downloading the attachment. Emma : Rusty, this is amazing. The only bad thing is now I feel like a real jerk for having to postpone our date tonight. Rusty : Oh. Emma : I have a paper due on Monday for my philosophy class. And I... Thought I'd be a lot further along than I am. So now I have to work on it all weekend. I'm really sorry. Rusty : That's okay. When you're dating a student, you have to expect these kinds of things, right? Emma : Right. [SCENE_BREAK] OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Party Ashleigh : There, now you only have to come in contact with Evan once. When you check his ID. And stamp his hand. Or his face. Casey : Ash ! Ashleigh : Like you wouldn't love to. Rebecca : Nice to see the Greek world back on its axis. Casey : How's Cappie? Contagious? Rebecca : Probably. Whatever. Casey : Enjoy your soda. Rebecca : Thanks, Casey. Casey : This night not be so bad after all. Ashleigh : There's Calvin. Are you okay here? Casey : Sure, I'm fine. Have fun. Ashleigh : Thanks. Casey : Hey, Evan Let me just stamp your hand and then you can go get started. Evan : You're ZBZ party patrol? Casey : Your guy hasn't shown up yet. Evan : Actually, he has. It's me. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Party Frannie : Oh, my God. Is this a reunion of... More than just our houses? Or just an incredibly awkward coincidence? Evan : You're holding up the line, Frannie. Ashleigh : Do you think people can really change? Calvin : Right now, I'm more concerned about having something that combustible so close to the alcohol. Ashleigh : I think they're gonna be okay. Let's go mingle. Evan : If you stamp that hard, it makes the ink wet. If the ink stays wet, it's easier for them to transfer stamps. Casey : If you guys had invested in wristbands instead of stamps, we wouldn't have to worry about it. Have fun. Evan : You didn't check her ID. Casey : She's over 21. I've known her for two years. Evan : It doesn't matter. You still have to check her ID. Casey : Right. I guess knowing someone for two years doesn't mean that much in the end. ZBZ Girl : I'm over 21, Casey. Casey : Beer is high in carbs and it makes you bloat. I'm doing you a favor. Evan : I guess you always gotta make me be the bad guy. So you can play the victim again. Man up, Condon. Casey : Whatever role I play, I have to be a mime, since you never stop accusing long enough to let me get a word in. Evan : You mean you think you have some... Some reasonable explanation for kissing Cappie after I lavaliered you? Casey : How about that I'm human? That I make mistakes? Like you did when you rush-humped Rebecca. Evan : Will you ever quit playing that card? I was never in love with Rebecca. Casey : You... move! Move! Just move! So? Ashleigh : Can I get re-stamped? Evan : Listen, it wasn't the same level of betrayal, okay? You obviously still had feelings for Cappie. Casey : And I still have feelings for Cappie, Evan. Just like I still have feelings for you. Maybe I always will. Unlike the super-human Evan Chambers, I don't seem to have control over how I feel about people. Most of the time however, I do have control over what I do about those feelings. And what I did was choose you. I thought that was the most important thing. Clearly, in your world, it isn't. And then you dumped me without trying to talk, without giving me the second chance I gave you. Evan : O'Toole. Perfect. You're gonna have to do this, man, you're it. I need a drink. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Cappie : Dr. Logan. You're... A scary scandinavian woman. Nurse : It's nurse Von Lembke. But you can call me Helga. Cappie : Why would I wanna do that? Nurse : Rebecca Logan sent me. She said it's time for you to get well. Shall we start with the nasal irrigation? CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Emma must be really working hard. She's not even answering her phone. I just hope she got that care package I sent her. Dale : Could you keep your voice down, please? Rusty : Why? Dale : 'cause Tina said she was coming over, and I do not want to talk to her. And put your phone on vibrate. Rusty : Whatever happened to "Not being intimidated by strong women", "Harnessing that dynamo"? Dale : She's trying to take over U-Sag. She emails me at least a dozen times a day. She put her email on all the flyers. Now she's even got Ted and Sanjay including a prayer for a greater U-Sag profile on campus in their daily intercessions. Rusty : Well, Dale, you just can't hide out here. You're eventually going to have to talk to her. Dale : No, I won't. Rusty : Are you just gonna will her away? Dale : I believe in science and creationism. My mind is a powerful instrument. Tina : Hello? It's Tina. Anybody in there? Dale : Don't say anything. Tina : Is that you, Dale? I'm actually here to see Rusty. Dale : It's a ruse. Don't fall for it. Do not let her in. Rusty : Don't be ridiculous, Dale. Tina : What's going on in there? Rusty : What's going on in there is that Dale wants U-Sag back. Tina : What are you talking about? Rusty : You... overstepping your boundaries. As much as I disagree with U-Sag, it's important to Dale. It's his brainchild. You took a simple invitation to join, and you ran wild with it. Tina : I thought that the goal was to get rid of the Greek system. Rusty : It is, unfortunately. But... Dale wants to do it his way. And you had no right to come in and pull the rug out from under him. The guy's freaked out. So you just need to back off. Tina : Yeah, well, I didn't come here to talk about U-Sag anyway. I came here to give you this. It's from Emma. Your care package. I mean, between the cd and the white board and the coffee and the questionnaire, and now this... I mean, you're scaring her. She wants you to back off. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Party Evan : Frannie... What do you want? Frannie : To apologize. For screwing things up with you and Casey last semester. Evan : I don't even wanna think about me and Casey anymore. Frannie : Or maybe I can help. Evan kisses Frannie. Frannie : My... Not exactly what I had in mind. Evan : Really? Frannie : Look, Evan... You're a gorgeous guy, with many, many fine attributes. You're also... Clearly Still working out some issues. I'm not interested in being anyone's warm body. Evan : I got it. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Casey just woke up. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room Calvin : Evan. Evan : I need my shoes. Where are my shoes? Calvin : Right there. Evan : Yes, okay. Calvin : You look like crap. Where are you going? Evan : I'm gonna go tell Casey I'm an idiot, and I want her back. Calvin : Good luck with that. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Hallway Evan : Casey. You look amazing. Casey : I feel pretty amazing. I'm done, Evan. Evan : Done with what? Casey : With all this. I'm finished being angry with you. I woke up this morning and I finally realized no matter what I say or do, I can't change the past. Or how you feel about it. And I'm done trying. I'm finally ready to move on. Evan : Move on... From us? Casey : Yeah. Evan : And what if I was less of a jealous idiot? Casey : Then I'd think maybe we could be friends... If you think you can do that. Evan : Friends? Casey : Think about it. See ya around campus... Evan Chambers. CRU - Street Rusty : Hey, you're up early. Emma : I've got coffee, thanks. Rusty : This one's mine. Look, Emma... I just want to apologize for coming on so strong. I never meant to scare you or seem like a crazy person. Emma : That's okay. Rusty : Yeah, I guess I'm just... Overly enthusiastic. I really liked you. And I really liked being in a relationship when I was in one before. And I guess when it... Seemed like I might have a shot at a new one, I kind of jumped the gun. I'm sorry for the firearms metaphors. Emma : Don't worry about it. Rusty : Yeah, I don't know. It's probably obvious that... I don't have a lot of experience in the romance department. But I'm a fast learner. And maybe if I totally put the brakes on, we can try again. Emma : Yeah. No. But I'll see you in class, okay? ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : Frannie. Frannie : Casey. Casey : We need to talk. Frannie : About what? Casey : Do you still wanna move back into the house? Frannie : Yeah. Casey : Then do it. You're officially off probation. We're moving forward. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Cappie : Good morning. Rebecca : What did you do to him? Nurse : You know the rules, Ms. Logan. What happens in Cappie's room stays in Cappie's room. Rebecca : Still contagious, right? Cappie : No, I was just wearing this because, apparently, Helga likes pirates. Rebecca : You two... Cappie : Did not. I am currently a one-woman man. Rebecca : Look, Cappie... I am not now, nor will I ever be Casey Cartwright... Perfect girlfriend, angel of mercy. Cappie : Well, thank God. Rebecca : You really are a colossal pain in the ass when you're sick, you know that? I don't know how she stood you. Cappie : Well, she is an angel. And she discovered my achilles heel. Cough syrup. Knocks me on my butt. She'd give me a dose, climb out the window, and come back by the time I need another one. No one knew. She didn't even think I knew. What? Rebecca : Only makes me like her more. Cappie : Really? We talkin' threesome now? Rebecca : Who said you're invited? Cappie : You're bad. You naughty little girl. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Tina : I had a new idea for a U-Sag flyer, and I just wanted to run it by Dale and see if he would sign off on it. Rusty : I'll make sure he gets it. Tina : Hey Rusty. For what it's worth, Emma likes her crazy on the outside, not the inside. You're the first guy she's gone out with all semester that's not covered in tattoos and body piercings. Rusty : I'm not crazy, okay? Tina : And I'm not an egomaniacal control freak. Look... you probably won't understand this, and I don't even know why I feel the need to explain it to you, but I like to be in things. And all the ramp-up, getting-to-know-you part makes me feel anxious. So I kind of sort of just jump over it. Which can make me seem a little... pushy. Okay? Well, you better watch out for us, frat boy. Go, U-Sag!
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[Salvatore's House] (Elena is lying in the cell and starting to desiccate. Damon and Stefan are upstairs) Damon: That's the calmest desiccating vampire I've ever seen. I remember when you starved me down there for 3 days. I would've wept at your feet for an orange peel Stefan: Look, she's not gonna beg for blood. Begging means desperation. Emotion. She's still in no-humanity zone Damon: How hungry does she have to be before we can torture some feelings back into her? Stefan: A lot hungrier than she is now, apparently Damon: So, what are we supposed to do in the meantime? (Katherine enters) Katherine: Maybe I can provide a little excitement Stefan: Katherine Katherine: The one and only. Sort of. So, when's the welcome home party? Damon: Wow. Look who went and got bold. Last time I checked, Klaus was plotting your eternal demise Katherine: Well, it doesn't matter anymore, because Klaus is gone Stefan: Wait. What do you mean he's gone? Katherine: Let's just say that werewolf girl Hayley turned out to be just the thing we needed to get Klaus out of our lives for good [New Orleans] (Haley is at a bar. She looks at the bartender) Bartender: Third time in here this week Haley: I'm obsessed with The Gumbo, Jane-Anne Jane-Anne: The old ladies in the ninth ward say my sister Sophie bleeds a piece of her soul into every dish Haley: I asked around the quarter about my family Jane-Anne: And? Haley: Nothing. Zero. Can't find a single person who remembers them Jane-Anne: Because, Hayley, people like you were run out of here years ago Haley: What do you mean, people like me? Jane-Anne: In the Bayou, they call the werewolves Roux-Ga-Roux. You head out there; you'll find what you're looking for. Be careful. It's the last place you'd ever want to go (Jane-Anne and Sophie are in a cemetery) Sophie: Don't do it. Please. What if I'm wrong about her? Jane-Anne: That's the beauty of you. You're never wrong. She's the only way we're gonna get to Klaus Sophie: Can we get someone else to do the spell? Jane-Anne: Who? Half the witches don't believe you. The other half are too scared Sophie: Because they know we're gonna get caught, Jane-Anne Jane-Anne: We don't have any other option. Now go. You know what you need to do (Haley arrives at the bayou and has a problem with her car) Haley: What the... uhh! Are you kidding me? (She gets out of the car and takes her phone) Haley: Hey, I'm looking for a tow service (A tour guide is leading a bunch of tourists) Tour Guide: Welcome to the dark side of New Orleans, a supernatural playground where the living are easily lost and the dead stick around and play (Klaus smiles) Mystic Falls [Rebekah's House] Rebekah: New Orleans? What the hell is Klaus doing there? Elijah: Evidently, there are witches conspiring against him. So, knowing our brother, this was a mission to silence and slaughter Rebekah: Well, the French quarter witches are not a lot to be trifled with. You don't suppose they've found a way to kill him once and for all, do you? Elijah: Rebekah, in the name of our family, you might try to dial down your glee Rebekah: What family? We are 3 distrustful acquaintances who happen to share a bloodline. I for one hope they've found a way to make that traitorous b*st*rd rot [New Orleans] (Klaus sees a woman and goes to her) Klaus: Good afternoon. Time for one more? Woman: I have nothing to say to you Klaus: Oh, now, that's not very amiable, is it? You don't even know me Woman: I know what you are. Half-vampire, half-beast. You're the hybrid Klaus: I'm the original hybrid, actually, but that's a long story for another time Mystic Falls [Rebekah's House] Rebekah: Where are you going? Elijah: To find out who's making a move against our brother, and then... I'll either stop them, or I'll help them. Depending on my mood (He leaves) [New Orleans] Klaus: I'm looking for someone. A witch. Perhaps you might be able to help me find her. Jane-Anne Deveraux Woman: Sorry. I don't know Klaus: Well, now, that's a fib, isn't it? Now, you see... I know that you're a true witch amongst this sea of poseurs. So, enough with the fabrications. I've quite a temper Woman: Witches don't talk Outta School in the quarter. The vampire won't allow it. Those are the rules. I don't break Marcel's rules Klaus: Marcel's rules? Where do you suppose I might find Marcel? (Marcel is singing in a bar. When he stops, he goes to the bar and sees Klaus) Marcel: Klaus Klaus: Marcel Marcel: Must be 100 years since that nasty business with your papa Klaus: Has it been that long? Marcel: Way I recall it, he ran you out of town. Left a trail of dead vampires in his wake Klaus: And yet how fortunate you managed to survive. My father, I'm afraid, I recently incinerated to dust Marcel: Well, if I'd known you were coming back in town, if I had a heads-up... Klaus: What, Marcel? What would you have done? Marcel: I'd have thrown you a damn parade. Niklaus Mikaelson. My mentor, my savior, my sire. Let's get you a drink. It is good to see you Klaus: It's good to be home. Although please tell me the current state of bourbon street is not your doing Marcel: Ha ha ha ha! Something's gotta draw in the out-of-towners; otherwise, we'd all go hungry Klaus: I see your friends are daywalkers Marcel: Yeah, yeah, I shared the secret of your daylight ring with a few buddies. Just the inner circle, though. The family Klaus: Tell me. How did you find a witch willing to make daylight rings? Marcel: I got the witches here wrapped around my finger Klaus: Is that so? I'm looking for a witch by the name of Jane-Anne Deveraux. Has some business with me Marcel: Looking for Jane-Anne? Then you probably ought to come with me. Ha ha! Showtime! (Marcel and Klaus are outside. A crowd gathers) Marcel: How's the family? Klaus: Those who live hate me more than ever Marcel: Forget them. If your blood relations let you down, you make your own, huh? You taught me that. And what's mine is yours, as always. Even my nightwalkers, the riff-raff Klaus: They're hardly subtle, are they? Marcel: It's the quarter. Ain't no such thing as subtle, baby (Marcel's mignons bring Jane-Anne) Marcel: Jane-Anne Deveraux. Give it up for Jane-Anne. Come on. Jane-Anne Deveraux, you have been accused of the practice of witchcraft beyond the bounds of the rules set forth and enforced by me. How do you plead? Oh. Was that convincing? I studied law back in the fifties. It's all I know. Seriously, J, tick tock. You know the drill. How do you plead? Jane-Anne: I didn't do anything Marcel: That's a lie. You know it, I know it, and you hate that I know it. It drives you witches crazy that I'm aware of your every move. That you can't do magic in this town without getting caught. So, why don't we just cut to the chase, huh? You tell me what magic you're brewing. Tell me. I'll grant you leniency. Hey, I am, after all, a merciful man Jane-Anne: Rot in hell, monster Marcel: I'll tell you what. I'll give you one more chance. Or not (He kills her. Klaus rejoins him) Klaus: What was that? Marcel: Hey. Come walk with me. Witches aren't allowed to do magic here. She broke the rules Klaus: I told you I wanted to talk to her Marcel: Hey, I'm sorry. I got caught up in the show. Those witches, they think that they still have power in this town. I have to show them that they don't. I never waste an opportunity for a show of force. Another lesson that I learned from you. And besides, anything that you could've gotten out of her, I can find out for you, and I will. I promise Klaus: Well, whatever it was, doesn't matter anymore, does it? Marcel: Good. Then let's eat, because all that spilled blood makes me hungry (He leaves. Klaus talks to one of Marcel's minions) Klaus: Hey. Thierry, isn't it? Any more Deveraux witches where she came from? (Sophie is cooking. She turns herself. Klaus is here) Sophie: You're Klaus Klaus: I am. And you're upset. Sophie, isn't it? I assume this is because of what I just witnessed with your sister on the corner of Royal and St. Ann Sophie: Did you enjoy the show? Klaus: It was a little melodramatic for my tastes. What did your sister want with me? Why did Marcel kill her? Sophie: I see you brought friends Klaus: They're not with me Sophie: They're with Marcel. That's all that matters. I know you built this town, but this is his town now. He killed my sister because she broke the rules. So, I talk to you in front of them, I'm next (He rejoins the 2 men at the bar) Klaus: Are you two gentlemen following me? Man: Marcel said we're your guides Klaus: Oh, he did, did he? Well, then, let me be exceedingly clear about something. If either of you following me again, you'll do so without the benefit of a spine (The waitress rejoins them) Camille: Sorry for the wait. If you're here for the gumbo, I'm about to break your heart. We just ran out Klaus: Your oldest scotch for my two friends here, love. Marcel wants to know what I'm up to, he can ask me himself (Sophie is outside, alone. She hears a door close and the men who were inside are here) Sophie: The doors work, you know Man: You doing magic? Sophie: I'm praying to my dead sister. Go ahead. Pay your respects Man:. Don't make this a thing, Sophie. The hybrid was looking for Jane-Anne. Marcel wants to know why Sophie: Oh, that sounds like witch business. I'd say ask her yourself, but I guess you can't seeing as how Marcel killed her (They're about to kill her but Elijah intervenes and kills them) Elijah: I'm Elijah. You've heard of me? Sophie: Yes Elijah: So, why don't you tell me what business your family has with my brother? (Klaus arrives at a party, looking for Marcel. He catches one of his men) Klaus: Where's Marcel? Man: Who the hell's asking? Klaus: I assume you're joking Man: I only answer to Marcel Klaus: Well, then, in that case, perhaps you'll answer to this. You're aware the bite of a werewolf can kill a vampire? Well, as you can see, I'm half-werewolf, so I'm gonna ask you one more time! Where is Marcel? (Marcel arrives) Marcel: H-hey. I'm right here. I'm right here. Easy, now. Diego's just looking out for me. Nobody harms my guys. Those are the rules Klaus: I don't care about your rules, Marcel. I don't need chaperones. Why are you having me followed? Marcel: Come here. I get it, huh? Show of force. You made your point. Let it go, friend. For me Klaus: Fine. Why don't you show me what you've done with the place while you explain exactly what it is you've been up to in my town? Marcel: Follow me (Marcel and Klaus are on a balcony) Marcel: Look at that skyline. That there, that's progress. More hotels, more tourists, more fresh blood. And the humans? I taught them to look the other way Klaus: And what of the witches? In my time, they were a force to be reckoned with, and now they live in fear. How do you know when they're using magic? Marcel: Maybe I got a secret weapon, an ace up my sleeve, something that gives me complete control over all the magic in this town Klaus: Hmm. Is that a fact? Marcel: Might be. Or maybe I'm just bluffing (He eats something) Klaus: You take vervain? Marcel: 'Burns like a bitch. But I figure I should limit the number of things I'm vulnerable to. Don't be mad about that chaperone thing. I told my guys to look out for you, that's all. That's what we do here... Look out for each other (They see Camille walking alone) Marcel: Mmmmm. New blood Klaus: The bartender, walking alone at night. She's either brave or dumb Marcel: Let's see. Brave, I let her live, Let's see. Brave, I let her live, dumb, she's dessert (He jumps above the balcony and lands behind Camille) Marcel: You know, it's not safe here alone Camille: You know, I have a black belt in karate (Klaus looks at them. Elijah's here) Klaus: Evening, Elijah Elijah: Niklaus Klaus: What an entirely unwelcome surprise Elijah: And what an entirely unsurprising welcome. Come with me Klaus: I'm not going anywhere. Not until I find out who's conspiring against me Elijah: I believe I just found that out for you (Klaus and Elijah are in a cemetery) Klaus: What are we doing here? Elijah: Want to know what the witches have in store for you? Follow me (They enter a crypt. Sophie is waiting for them) Klaus: Sophie Deveraux. What is this? Elijah: He's all yours. Proceed Sophie: You know you're famous in this town? Witches tell bedtime stories about the powerful vampire Klaus. We know Marcel was nothing but an orphaned street rat until you made him what he is. And now he's out of control. He does what he wants. He kills who he wants. I'm gonna stop him... And you're gonna help me (Klaus looks at Elijah) Klaus: This is why you brought me here Elijah: Hear her out Klaus: I don't need to hear her out. I assure you, love, there is not a thing on this earth that will matter enough for me to waste even 30 more seconds of my time Klaus: Elijah, what madness is this? (Haley enters) Haley: Klaus... You need to listen to them Klaus: You're all out of your minds if you think some liquor-fueled one-night stand... No offense, sweetheart... Means a thing to me Sophie: Marcel may be able to keep us from practicing real magic in this town, but as keepers of the balance, we still know when nature has cooked up something new. For example, I have a special gift, of sensing when a girl is pregnant Klaus: What? Haley: I know. It's impossible Klaus: What are you saying? Elijah: Niklaus... The girl is carrying your child Klaus: No. It's impossible. Vampires cannot procreate Sophie: But werewolves can. Magic made you a vampire, but you were born a werewolf. You're the original hybrid, the first of your kind, and this pregnancy is one of nature's loopholes Klaus: You've been with someone else. Admit it! Haley: Hey. I spent days held captive in a freakin' alligator bayou because they think that I'm carrying some magical miracle baby. Don't you think I would've fessed up if it wasn't yours? Sophie: My sister gave her life to perform the spell she needed to confirm this pregnancy. Because of Jane-Anne's sacrifice, the lives of this girl and her baby are now controlled by us. If you don't help us take down Marcel, so help me, Hayley won't live long enough to see her first maternity dress Haley: Wait, what? Elijah: Enough of this, if you want Marcel dead, he's dead. I'll do it myself Sophie: No. We can't. Not yet. We have a clear plan that we need to follow and there are rules Klaus: How dare you command me? Threaten me with what you wrongfully perceive to be my weaknesses? I won't hear any more lies Elijah: Niklaus. Listen (They hear the baby's heartbeat) Klaus: Kill her and the baby. What do I care? (He leaves) (Elijah rejoins Klaus) Elijah: Niklaus Klaus: it's a trick, Elijah Elijah: No, brother. It's a gift. It's your chance. It's our chance Klaus: To what? Elijah: To start over. Take back everything we lost. Everything that was taken from us. Niklaus, our own parents came to despise us. Our family was ruined, we were ruined, and since then, all that you have ever wanted, all that we have ever wanted, was a family Klaus: I will not be manipulated Elijah: So, they're manipulating you. So what? With them, this girl and her child, your child... live Klaus: I'm gonna kill every last one of them Elijah: And then what? Then you return to Mystic Fall to resume your life as the hated one, as the evil hybrid? Is it so important to you that people quake with fear at the sound of your name? Klaus: People quake with fear because I have the power to make them afraid. What will this child offer me? Will it guarantee me power? Elijah: Family is power, Niklaus. Love, loyalty. It's power. This is what we swore to one another a thousand years ago, before life tore away what little humanity you had left, before ego, before anger, before paranoia created this person before me... Someone I can barely even recognize as my own brother. This is us. The Original family. We remain together, always and forever. I am asking you to stay here. I will help you and I will stand by you. I will be your brother. We will build a home here together. So, save this girl Save your child Klaus: No Mystic Falls [SCENE_BREAK] [Rebekah's House] (Rebekah is on the phone with Elijah) Elijah: He's doing what he does. Given a chance at happiness, Klaus runs in the opposite direction Rebekah: Then let him run. That child, if it's even his, is better off without him Elijah: He's not better off without that child, Rebekah, and neither are we Rebekah: Darling, kind Elijah. Our brother rarely brings us anything but pain. At what point in your immortal life will you stop searching for his redemption? Elijah: I'll stop searching for his redemption when I believe there is none left to be found (She hangs up. Katherine is here) Rebekah: I'd give you a play-by-play, but you have the air of someone who's been lurking and listening Katherine: He'll come around. You know Elijah. He won't stop until he's convinced Klaus to do the right thing Rebekah: I know you consider yourself an expert in brotherly dynamics, but you don't know my brothers half as well as you think you do Katherine: You're wrong. Klaus won't be able to walk away from this. He and I are the same. We manipulate, we thirst for power, we control, we punish, but our actions are driven by one singular place deep inside Rebekah: And what's that? Katherine: We're alone. And we hate it. Tell Elijah to call me when he comes home. I'll be waiting for him (She leaves) [New Orleans] (Klaus goes back to the party and rejoins Marcel) Marcel: Hey, man. Where'd you run off to? Klaus: You mean your minions aren't still documenting my every move? Marcel: Someone put you in a mood. What can I do? Klaus: What you can do is you can tell me what this thing is you have with the witches Marcel: We're back to that? Klaus: Yeah, we're back to that Marcel: You know I owe you everything I got, but I'm afraid I have to draw the line on this one. This is my business. I control the witches in my town. Let's just leave it at that Klaus: Your town? Marcel: Damn straight Klaus: That's funny. Because when I left 100 years ago, you were just a pathetic little scrapper still trembling from the lashes of the whips of those who would keep you down, and now look at you. Master of your domain. Prince of the city. I'd like to know how Marcel: Why? Jealous? Hey man, I get it. 300 years ago, you helped build a backwater penal colony into something. You started it, but then you left. Actually, you ran from it. I saw it through. Look around. Vampires rule this city now. We don't have to live in the shadows like rats. The locals know their place. They look the other way. I got rid of the werewolves. I even found a way to shut down the witches. The blood never stops flowing and the party never ends. You want to pass on through? You want to stay a while? Great. What's mine is yours, but it is mine. My home, my family, my rules Klaus: And if someone breaks those rules? Marcel: They die. Mercy is for the weak. You taught me that, too. And I'm not the Prince of the quarter, friend. I'm the King! Show me some respect (Klaus loses his temper and bites one of his minions) Klaus: Your friend will be dead by the weekend. Which means I've broken one of your rules. And yet I cannot be killed. I am immortal. Who has the power now, friend? (He leaves) (Camille looks at a painting. Klaus rejoins her) Camille: The hundred dollar guy Klaus: The brave bartender. Camille. That's a French name Camille: It's a grandma's name. Call me Cami. Amazing, isn't he? Klaus: Do you paint? Camille: No, but I admire. Every artist has a story, you know Klaus: And what do you suppose his story is? Camille: He's... angry. Dark. Doesn't feel safe and doesn't know what to do about it. He wishes he could control his demons instead of having his demons control him. He's lost, alone. Or... maybe he just drank too much tonight. Sorry. Overzealous psych major Klaus: No. I think you were probably right the first time Camille: So... (Klaus has disappeared) (Klaus is sitting alone on a bench. Elijah rejoins him and sits down next to him) Klaus: Are you here to give me another pep talk on the joys of fatherhood? Elijah: I've said all I needed to say Klaus: I forgot how much I liked this town Elijah: I didn't forget. All the centuries we've spent together and yet I can count on one hand the number of times that our family has been truly happy. I hated leaving here Klaus: As did I Elijah: What is on your mind, brother? Klaus: For a thousand years, I lived in fear. Any time I settled anywhere, our father would hunt me down and... chase me off. He made me feel powerless, and I hated it. This town was my home once, and in my absence, Marcel has gotten everything that I ever wanted. Power, loyalty, family. I made him in my image and he has bettered me. I want what he has. I want to be King Elijah: And what of Hayley and the baby? Klaus: Every King needs an heir (Elijah is walking in the cemetery with Sophie) Elijah: So, how do you propose this will work? Sophie: Your brother needs to cement his place in Marcel's world. His inner circle, the daywalkers... That's where we begin. They're his friends. His family. We'll be hitting him where it hurts (Thierry is sick. Everyone is gathered around him, including Marcel. Klaus enters) Klaus: I had time to sleep on it last night. I'm not your enemy. Where my family and I failed this town... Marcel succeeded. My blood will heal him. As though it never happened. The quarter is your home, but I would like to stay a while, if I'm still welcome (There's a parade. Klaus looks at it and calls someone) Klaus: Caroline. I'm standing in one of my favorite places in the world, surrounded by food, music, art, culture, and all I can think about is how much I want to show it to you. Maybe one day you'll let me Mystic Falls [Rebekah's House] (Rebekah is with Elijah) Rebekah: So, that's it? I'm just supposed to pack up my things and leave for good? Forget my life here and my pursuit of the cure? Elijah: The cure was a fool's errand. I mean, taking it would've stripped you of everything you are for what? More High School proms? Rebekah: I wanted to be human. I wanted children and a family Elijah: And I stand before you to offer you both Rebekah: And if I decide against you? A dagger in my heart and then back in a box? Elijah: I've made my case. Your family needs you. And what choice you make right now is your own Rebekah: I owe him nothing. I wish him no joy. No love. I will stay here and live my life the way I want to, and if you're smart, I suggest you do the same (She leaves. He turns himself. Katherine is here) Katherine: She's right. Be smart, Elijah. Klaus is stark raving mad, not to mention completely irredeemable. Leave him to set off on this new adventure and lets you and I go out on ours. I have lost so much of my life to Klaus. So have you. It's our turn. Elijah, please Elijah: Katerina... Good bye (He leaves) [Salvatore's House] (Elena is still in the cell. Stefan and Damon enter) Damon: You look terrible Elena: I'm hungry. Not that you care Damon: But I do. That's the whole point. I do care. You don't care. It's about time for that to change (He gives her a blood bag and she drinks) Elena: Vervain Damon: How does that make you feel? Hurt because I'd betray you? Angry because I'd cause you pain? Or scared? Because you know it's gonna get a lot worse? Elena: You boys want to play games? Go ahead. Let's see who breaks first. Me... or you Ecrit par popo34000
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Ted from 2030: Kids, when your best friend loses someone... Marshall: My dad's dead? Ted from 2030:...you drop everything and rush to his side only to find yourself standing there with no idea what to do or say. At Marvin's funeral Ted: This is the toughest time in Marshall's life and I feel absolutely useless. What can we do to help? Lily: Don't look at me. This morning Marshall said, "I have to pee." And I, "Don't worry, baby, I'll do it for you." Halfway through the pee, I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense!" Robin: Well, uh, I've been to a couple funerals, so I know my role: I'm Vice Girl. Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day, I got it right here. Ted: Cigarettes, alcohol... Are these firecrackers? My God, Robin, you somehow crammed Tijuana into a purse. Robin, hushing: Be cool, nerds! Lily: Marshall's mom hasn't eaten, slept or sat down since we got here. Wait! That can be my role! I'll take care of Judy! Robin: Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom hate you--the fact that you two aren't very close? Ted, whispering: Sweet save. Lily: Okay, yes, Judy and I aren't besties, but today, whatever she needs, I'm there. I'm on Judy duty. Ted: "Judy duty." Barney: She said "doody." Robin: Really, guys? At a funeral? Ted: Uh, okay, while not all of us possess your lofty sense of decorum, Drug-DealerFrom-An-'80s-After-School-Special, we have to laugh today. It's healthy. Barney: Wait a minute! Today, we are gonna make Marshall laugh. Robin: How? Barney: Ted, what's the one thing that always cracks him up? Ted: Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts. Barney: Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts, exactly! So we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad rattler. You search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards, and I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding crops. Ted: What about animals? Barney: Uh... Claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. We can do this! Marshall: Hey, guys, sorry, uh... I left my charger back in New York, so my phone's out of juice. Does anyone have...? Robin: Outlet or USB? Marshall: Uh, outlet. Thank you. Oh... Lily: Wow, you really do have everything in there, don't you? Ted: You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs. Robin: "If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. "Spoonful of sugar..."? Grow up. Reverend: I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy. Judy: Thank you, Reverend. Reverend: Unfortunately, I can't. My daughter in Chicago just went into labor. But I'm leaving you in the capable hands of my second-in-command: my son. Marshall: Your son? Reverend: Oh, you remember Trey. I'll go grab him. Marshall: Guys... Trey Platt terrorized me growing up. He was, he was the toughest bully in school. Trey: 'Sup Marshall. Marshall: Hello, Trey. Long time. Mm-hmm. I was not aware that you had become a reverend. Trey: Yeah, well, your lunch money finally ran out. Kidding! Barney: Marshall Eriksen, you could use a laugh. Ted: Yeah! This video is entitled, "Little League Coach Gets Hit in the Nuts by a Foul Ball and Then Vomits in a Garbage Can." I don't wanna give anything away. Let's just watch. (bat connects with ball, man groans, vomits) Barney & Ted: Oh! Barney: See? 'Cause, 'cause he got hit... Ted:...right in the nuts, Barney & Ted: The fat kid just runs away. Marshall: Trey Platt. I can't believe my father's funeral service is being led by Trey "The Noogie Machine" Platt. Ted: That guy gave you noogies? What, did he carry a stepladder? Marshall: He made me carry it. Trey: So, my dad has these questions he asks to help create a theme for the service, or whatever. Question one: "What were your last words with the deceased?" Lame. Question two: Judy: Wait... My last words with Marvin were lovely. I've been thinking about them a lot. Marshall's brother #1: Me, too. We went for a hike in the snow and had this amazing talk. Marshall's brother #2: My last day with Pop, he taught my son how to skate. Trey: Well, this is clearly yielding nothing. Thanks, Dad. Guess I'll have to fill the time with some jokes... again. Judy: "Last words" seems like a good theme. Marshall, do you remember the last thing your father said to you? [FLASHBACK] Judy: Bye, sweetie. Marshall: Bye, Mom. Marvin: Son, there's something I want to say before I leave. Marshall: Yeah, Dad? Marvin: Could I snag that extra pork chop for the flight? Marshall: I was gonna make a sandwich with that, Dad. Dad, don't they have food on the plane? Marvin: Yeah, but plane food is ass. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: "Plane food is ass." Those are the last words my father will ever say to me. Right after I denied the man a pork chop. Oh, God. Wait! I'm wrong! I'm wrong! That wasn't it! They couldn't find a cab so my dad called up from the street. [FLASHBACK] Marvin: Marshall! Looks like rain out here! I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet! You know who probably has an umbrella? Marshall: And then, well, see, my dad grew up in a small town, in another generation, so sometimes - totally well-meaningly - he'd say stuff like... Marvin: The Koreans across the hall! Hey, the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people! Marshall: Dad... Marvin: I betcha one of the Koreans has an umbrella! Heck, they're Koreans! [END OF FLASHACK] Marshall: My dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes. Robin: All that stuff was really nice! Lily: Yeah! It's positive racism! Marshall: This is worse than the pork chop. Barney: This next clip is entitled, "Guy Playing Bagpipes Gets Hit in the Nuts by Low-Flying Seagull" Ted: Let's see what happens. Barney: Here he comes... Oh! Oh! 'Cause he gets hit right in the nuts. Ted: And then the fat kid loses his swim trunks. Barney: Fall off. Shorts just fall right off. Marshall: No, wait-- I'm wrong. That wasn't it. They couldn't find a cab, so I went down there. [FALSHBACK] Marshall: Hey, you were right. The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella. Marvin: Of course they did. Judy: Bye, sweetie. Marshall: Bye, Mom. Marvin: Hey, son, I just want to leave you with a little advice. Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night. It totally holds up! [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Crocodile Dundee III is the second-best of the Croc trilogy, so maybe I can live with that. (cell phone beeps) Oh, sorry, my phone's charged. Man: I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things. Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time. Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards. Robin: I got ya. Marshall: Oh, my God. Lily: What is it? Marshall: I have a voice mail from my dad. Lily: You have a voice mail from your dad? Robin: How? Marshall: My phone's been out of juice, so he must've called me the day the he, uh... Lily: Baby, are you okay? Marshall: I hold in my hand the last words my father will ever say to me. I'm gonna hit play. Robin: What's wrong? Marshall: What if it's worse than Crocodile Dundee III? I can't do this. I can't... My mom is about to collapse. I'm gonna... Lily: Wait-- no, no, baby... Baby, I got it. Let me. Robin: You should listen to it. Just don't put too much pressure on it. Ted: She's right. I mean, this idea that someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful? I mean, who can live up to that? Barney: Exactly. All those "famous last word" people supposedly said? They're all made up. Like that patriotic dude, Nathan Hale, from third-grade history? [FLASHBACK] Nathan Hale: My I only regret is I have but one life to lose for my country. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: You know what his real last words were? [FLASHBACK] Nathan Hale: I'm peeing my pants! [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: True story. Robin: The point is, last words are overrated. Ted: Look, think of it this way: you get to hear your dad's voice one last time. Marshall: I should go listen to this... alone, okay? I'll be back. (Marshall steps away) Woman: Hey, so, um, I heard you might have... Robin: You heard right. (whispering: ) I'm getting a reputation. So, what you need, mama? Come here. (Robin walk away with the woman) Lily: Guys, listen to what just happened. [SCENE_BREAK] [FLASHBACK] Lily: Judy, do you need a break? I'm happy to cook for a while. Judy: You think your snobby New York cooking is better than mine-- admit it! Well, go ahead, Lily, why don't you just whip up a batch of your fancy tofu sushi bagels! And choke on them! [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Whoa. Are you okay? Lily: Listen! [FLASHBACK] (Judy yawns) Judy: I'm gonna go take a nap. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Judy's finally sleeping and it's all because of me! Guys, I have a role: I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah! Ted: Well, but this day is tough on you, too. You sure you can absorb all that? Lily: Yeah! Robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse. I don't know what's in it, but things are flowin' pretty smooth right now. Robin: Hey, stay hydrated. (Marshall comes back) Barney: So? Marshall: I couldn't listen to it. Guys, this is hard. Lily: We know, baby. But you'll always wonder, if you don't. Your dad loved you. It almost doesn't matter what he said. Barney: It doesn't. That's true. Marshall: Guys, guys, what if-- God forbid-- all of your dads died right now? What would their last words to you have been? Seriously. Ted: I know mine. When I was in Cleveland last month, I went to visit my dad at his... post-divorce bachelor pad. [FLASHBACK] Ted's dad: Been fun bro-ing out with you tonight, T-Dawg. Ted: Yeah... so glad we can we can talk about our s*x lives now. That's totally an improvement. Ted's dad: I hooked up with a younger woman the other week-- Donna Bromstead. Ted: My prom date?! Ted's dad: How far did you get, T-Dawg? Ted: I have to go. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: How would you like those to be your father's last words? Ted: Well, they might be. Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop. Marshall: Lawyered. Lily? [FLASHBACK] (phone ringing) Lily: Hello. Lily's dad: Lily, it's Dad. Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years. ut bright side, I thought of a great new board game. "Tax Evasion", ages six to ten. Which is, ironically, what I might be looking at. Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000. Lily: Fooled ya. Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. Beep. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Lawyered. Robin? [FLASHBACK] Robin's dad: And so, despite the endless disappointment you've caused me, I pray that this will finally be the year you achieve something of actual significance. I'd love to stop lying to my friends about you being in a coma. Anyway, the point is, happy birthday, RJ. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: That's awful. Robin: No, here's the awful part. [FLASHBACK] Robin: You remembered my birthday! [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Lawyered. Now can we all just admit that last words are, in fact, a big deal? Everyone: Yes. Barney: Man, I always thought I had it rough not really knowing my dad, but... now I realize at least I'll never have to suffer like this. Our next video is called "German Shepherd Activates Tennis Ball Cannon While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink." Marshall: Barney, please, Barney! It's... No more videos, okay? I just need a minute. Judy: Okay... okay, who is responsible for this? Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? She is 15 years old. Robin: Whoa, they grow big out here. Barney: And here's your phone number back. Robin: Judy, I... Lily: I did it. Judy: What possible excuse could you have for this? Lily: I'm from New York. We think getting minors drunk is funny. Judy: There's nothing funny about getting minors drunk! You should be ashamed, Lily! Ashamed! Mmm! Oh, cripes, that's tasty. Mmm! Mmm! Lily: That salad's the first food she's eaten in two days. Sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise and jelly beans, but it counts. Ted: Well, at least someone's helping. We haven't made Marshall laugh once. Barney: Yeah. Showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts wasn't going to do anything. I'm just stupid. Ted: Stupid. Barney: What we need to do is hit each other in the nuts. Ted: Yes. Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater. But which one of us is going to take the hit?(Barney hits Ted in the nuts) So that's it? No discussion? Marshall: I'm not going to listen. "Rent Crocodile Dundee II" are the last words that my father will ever say to me, and I think I can live with that. Ted: Is he laughing? Ted from 2030: Marshall really did think he could live with that. That is, until later, at the memorial service. Judy: My last talk with Marvin was so lovely. Ted from 2030: The stories his mother and brothers told were so perfect. Marshall's brother #1: Then he picked my crying son up off the ice. He gave him a hug and said, "Champ, it doesn't matter if you fall down once in a while." Marshall's brother #2: And as we hiked, a little deer appeared on the path. She hopped over to Dad and started eating-- right out of his hand. Judy: And then he kissed me and he said... Marshall's brother #1: "I will always be proud of you"" Marshall's brother #2: "Life is such a gift." Judy: "You know something, gorgeous, I'm the luckiest man alive." Barney, his voice breaking: Lame. Ted: These stories suck. Robin: Doesn't hold a candle to your Crocodile Dundee thing. Lily: You're up next, baby. Marshall: I just need some air. Lily: Baby, are you okay? Marshall: I have to listen to it. It's a pocket dial. It's nothing. Lily: Hey, so it's a pocket dial. You have so many great memories with your dad. Who cares about the last one? Barney: She's right. Your dad was hilarious. Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher. And he was my best friend. He always came through for me. And now he's just gone. And what am I left with? (scratchy electronic sounds) Thanks a lot, God! Thank you! You took my father, the greatest man that I have ever known, and you ripped him off this Earth, way too young! And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. (scratchy sounds continue) But we got this voice mail. Thank you so much for the voice mail! It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely or sad, or-- or you know what, or maybe a little bit cheated, at least I got the sound of his pocket to console me. How is this fair? You know, like, an entire human life and it just ends for no reason, and... and what are we left with? (scratchy sounds continue) Marvin's voice: Marshall? Oh, looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? (laughing) Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. Lily: Looks like your dad came through one last time. Marshall: "I love you." My father's last words to me are "I love you." Marvin's voice: Ooh, and let me know if you find my foot cream. That fungus thing is acting up again. Marshall: "I love you." My father's last words to me are "I love you." Everyone: Yes. Yes, they were. We heard it. Loud and clear. Marshall: Bye, Pop. Ted from 2030: So Marshall finally got up to speak. Funny thing, though... Marshall: Then my father said the last words that he'll ever say to me: "Rent Crocodile Dundee III. I caught it on the cable last night and it totally holds up." Ted from 2030: He decided to keep Marvin's real last words just for himself. Judy: Thanks. Lily: For what? Judy: I know what you've been doing today. And I really needed it. Lily: Any time. Judy: That dress makes you look like a Kansas City whore. Sorry, dear. Last one. At Judy's Marshall: Oh, man. I should have rented Crocodile Dundee III. Ted: Okay, seriously, how are you doing that? Marshall: Thanks. I'll be right back. And if I don't come back, well, then these are my last words to you all. I really, really, really love you guys. Now I'm going to go drop a deuce. Ted from 2030: Last words-- it's a lot of pressure, kids. Ted is making a phone call Ted: Hi, Dad. Lily is also making a phone call Lily: Hi, Dad. Robin is calling her dad. Robin: Hi, Dad. Barney is calling his mother. Barney: Hey, Mom. I'm ready to meet my dad.
doc_44
In the Mayor's office. Faith is sitting at the desk with her eyes closed. A present is laying on the desk in front of her. The Mayor stands by her side. Mayor: Alright, you can open them up now. Faith sees the present and smiles up at him. Faith: Fab. What's the occasion? Mayor: Faith! As if I need a reason to show you my affection. Or appreciation for running a small errand at the airport. Faith: Airport? What's next? Gonna want me to help a buddy of yours move a sofa? Mayor: This isn't a free ride, young lady. You know, I'm beginning to think that somebody's getting a little spoiled. Maybe I should take this back. Faith: (clutches the present) Sorry... Sir. Mayor: That's my girl. (chuckles) Another cookie? (Faith takes one) Now. A package is arriving tomorrow night from Central America. Something, and I can't stress this enough, something crucially important to my Ascension. Without it ... Well! What would Toll House cookies be without the chocolate chips? A pretty darn big disappointment, I can tell you. (giggles) Open your present. (she does) There. That look on your face is my reward. The present is a knife with an intricate design. Faith: This is a thing of beauty, boss. Mayor: Well, it cost a pretty penny. So, you just take good care of it. And you be careful not to put somebody's eye out with that thing, until I tell you to. Faith: Any particular eyes in mind? [SCENE_BREAK] Night, in a graveyard. Angel and Buffy are fighting a pair of vampires. Buffy trips her opponent into Angel's legs. Buffy: Sorry, honey! Angel: That's okay. They finish off both vampires. Buffy: Well, there's something you don't see every day. Unless, of course, you're me. Angel: That was bracing. Want to do another sweep? Buffy: It's what I live for. Sad to say. Angel: You too tired? Buffy: No. It's just... Do you get the feeling that we're kind of in a rut? Angel: A rut? Buffy: You never take me any place new. Angel: What about that fire demon nest in the cave by the beach? I felt that was a nice change of pace. Buffy: So this is our future? This is how we're going to spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're ... the same age you are now. They hear a growl offstage. Angel: Let's just get you to fifty. Buffy: Liking that plan. Opening credits. [SCENE_BREAK] In the Summers house. Buffy sits at the table, flipping through a book. Joyce enters from the hall. Joyce: Buffy? When were you going to tell me? Buffy: Alright, busted. I didn't think you'd miss them. (takes off earrings) Joyce: You were accepted to Northwestern University. Honey, I'm so proud of you! That's wonderful! Buffy: (less enthusiastic) Right! It's wonderful. Joyce: I mean, it's not cheap, but, uh, I know we can make it work if your father pitches in. Not that Northwestern is your only option. It's a great school, though. I am so proud of you. Buffy: You said that before. Joyce: And will again soon. Buffy: Mom, you know that I can't ... I-I just can't decide on a school right now. I mean I want to sleep on it, you know, mull it over. Raise them up my inner flagpole, see which one I salute. Joyce: I know, sweetheart. I'm just so pleased that you have so many choices. Ooh, you know what? Your aunt Arleen and her family are in Illinois. I've got to call and tell them. Oh, Buffy? Buffy: I know, you're proud of me. Joyce: Ah, don't forget to put my earrings back in my dresser before you go out. Arleen? Hi! It's Joyce. How you doing? Listen, you are never going to believe where Buffy got accepted to school! [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight on campus. One guy sits at a picnic table. A second guy drops a paper bag on the table and sits opposite the first guy. Guy #2: Here you go. Guy #1: Thanks. Snyder: (swoops in) Okay, what's in the bag? Guy #1: My lunch. Snyder: Is that the new drug lingo? (takes the bag, looks inside) Guy #1: No, it's my lunch. Snyder: (drops the bag on the table) Sit up straight. (marches off) Camera zooms past Snyder to another table: Willow and Oz sit opposite Buffy. Willow: Sounds like your mom's in a state of denial. Buffy: More like a continent. She just has to realize that I can't go away. Willow: Well, maybe not now, but soon, maybe. Or maybe I too hail from Denial Land. Buffy: Faith's turn to the dark side of the Force pretty much put the proverbial kibosh on any away plans for me. UC Sunnydale - at least I got in. You! I mean I can't believe you got into Oxford! Willow: It's pretty exciting. Oz: That's some deep academia there. Buffy: That's where they make Gileses. Willow: I know! I could learn and, and have scones. Although I-I don't know how I feel about going to school in a foreign country. Xander is sitting at a nearby tree reading Jack Kerouac's _On the Road_. Xander: Everything in life is foreign territory. Kerouac. He's my teacher. The open road is my school. Buffy: Making the open dumpster your cafeteria? Xander: Go ahead, mock me. Oz: I think she just did. Xander: We Bohemian anti-establishment types have always been persecuted. Oz: Well, sure. You're all so weird. Willow: I think it's neat, you doing the backpack, trail mix, happy wanderer thing. Xander: I'm aware it scores kinda high on the hokey-meter, but I think it will be good for me. You know, help me to find myself. Cordelia walks between the table and Xander's tree. Cordelia: And help us to lose you. Everyone's a winner. Xander: (getting up) Well, look who just popped open a fresh can of venom. Hey, did you hear about Willow getting into Oxnard? Willow: Oxford. Xander: Oxford. And M.I.T. and Yale and every other college on the face of the planet. As in your face I rub it. Cordelia: Oxford? Whoopee! Four years in tea-bag central. Sounds thrilling. And M.I.T. is a Clearasil ad with housing. And Yale is a dumping ground for those who didn't get into Harvard. Willow: I got into Harvard. Xander: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance? Cordelia: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers! Buffy: Okay, you guys, don't forget to breathe between insults. Cordelia: I'm sorry Buffy. This conversation is reserved for people who actually have a future. (leaves) Oz: An angry young woman. Willow: Oh Buffy, she was just being Cordelia, only more so. Don't pay any attention to her. Xander: She's definitely got a chip going. Willow: Maybe if you didn't goad her so much? Xander: I can't help it. It's my nature. Willow: Maybe you need a better nature. [SCENE_BREAK] Buffy and Wesley walk into the library. Wesley: I don't understand. Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes. I want to leave. Wesley: What? Now? Buffy: No, not now. After I graduate, you know, college? Wesley: But, you're a Slayer. Buffy: Yeah, I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my Slayer-ness. That's ... something-ism. Giles is listening from the door of his office. Giles: Buffy, I know we've talked about you going away... Buffy: I got into Northwestern. Giles: That's wonderful news. Good for you. Wesley: Alright, everyone. Monsters, demons, world in peril? Buffy: I bet you they have all that stuff in Illinois. Wesley: You cannot leave Sunnydale. By the power invested in me by the Council, I forbid it. (said while crossing his wrists over his heart - watcher authority hand signal?) Buffy rolls her eyes and turns her back on Wesley. Giles: Ah yes, that should settle it. Wesley: (counting on fingers) Faith gone bad, and the Mayor's Ascension coming up, ... Buffy: I know it's complicated. I'm aware that my graduation may be, among other things, posthumous, but... What if I stop the Ascension? What if I capture Faith? Giles: I very much hope you will. Buffy: If I do that, then all you guys have to do is keep the run of the mill unholy forces at bay through mid-terms and I'll be back in time for Homecoming, and every school break after that. Can we at least think about it? Wesley: Perhaps if circumstances were different. Buffy: I'll make them different. Wesley: What? Buffy: I'm tired of waiting for Mayor McSleaze to make his move while we sit on our hands counting down to Ascension Day. I mean, let's take the fight to him. Wesley: No. No! Much too reckless. We're at a distinct disadvantage. We don't know anything about the Mayor's Ascension... Giles: She's right. Time's running out. We need to take the offensive. (to Buffy) What's your plan? Buffy: I gotta have a plan? Really? I can't just be proactive with pep? Giles: No. You want to take the fight to them? I suggest the first step would be to find out exactly what they're up to. Buffy: Oh. I actually knew that. I thought you meant a more specific plan, you know, like with maps and stuff. Great. We'll find out what they're up to. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, at the airport. A small plane taxies to a stop and a man leaves the plane carrying a box. A vampire waits by a limo with a briefcase. Box man: Is he in the car? Vampire: No, I'll take you to him. (opens the limo door) Camera zooms in to show the box handcuffed to the man's right hand. The man kicks the limo door shut. Box man: The Mayor was supposed to be here in person with the money. Well, the price just went up. I don't like surprises. Impact sound. The head of an arrow appears through the front of his shirt - Faith has shot him through the back. Faith: Surprise. Faith climbs down from her hiding place and approaches the body. Vampire: You killed him. Faith: What are you, the narrator? Keys to the cuffs? The vampire searches the man's clothing. Vampire: Nothing. Faith pulls out her flashy new knife. Vampire: That won't cut through steel. Faith: No, but it will cut through bone. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. The limo pulls up in front of City Hall. Faith carries the box inside. Buffy is watching from the bushes. Cut to inside the Mayor's office. Faith kicks in the door and carries the box inside. Mayor: Hey ho! There it is! Hahahaha! Ah, what happened to the courier? I was supposed to pay him. Faith: Hunh. Made him an offer he couldn't survive. (takes the money) Mayor: (chuckles) You are one heck of a girl, you know that? I mean geez, the initiative, the - the skill. Faith: Go on, go on. (sits down) Mayor: I will. You know, I'll tell you, if Buffy ... (Faith props her feet on the desk. The Mayor frowns.) Hey hey hey hey. (Faith drops her feet.) If Buffy Summers walked in here and said she wanted to switch to our side, I'd say (snaps his fingers) no thanks, sister, I've got all the Slayer one man could ever need. (chuckles) Faith sighs. Mayor: What? Faith: Nothing. Mayor: Oh, it's cause I used the B-word, huh? Don't tell me you're still sore about that whole Angel-Buffy thing. Faith: No, I'm over it. She can have him. Mayor: Better believe she can. She deserves that poor excuse for a creature of the night. You, on the other hand, can do better. Faith is fidgeting and begins toying with the clasp of the box. The Mayor slams his hands down on top of the box. Mayor: Don't do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. The limo pulls to a stop in a parking lot. The vampire driver hears a noise and looks back through the rear window. Buffy smashes the driver's side window with her fist and pulls his upper body out of the window. Buffy: (peppy) So, what's in the box? Cut to the library. Buffy sits at the table looking at a book. Xander and Wesley look on. Buffy: The Box of Gavrock. It houses some great demonic energy or something which His Honor needs to chow down on come A-Day. Giles and Willow enter. Giles carries some large drawings. Wesley: What's that? Giles: Maps. And stuff. Willow: Plans for City Hall. They were in the Water and Power mainframe. Buffy: The box is being kept under guard in a conference room on the top floor. (points to a map sheet) There. Unfortunately, that's all I could get out of my informant before his aggressive tendencies forced me to introduce him to Mr. Pointy. Wesley: Well, now, here's what I think we should do... Buffy: I figure we can enter through the skylight. I'll take Angel with me. Giles: Agreed. Xander: And there's a fire ladder on the east side of the building, (points) here. Wesley: Yes, yes, fine, but we still need to consider whether the Mayor... Giles: It won't be enough to simply have possession of the box. Willow: Right, we have to destroy it. Not just physically - ritually, with some down and dirty black magic. Wesley: Hang on. We don't know what such a ritual would require. Giles: (flipping through a book) I think the Breath of the Atropyx is standard for this sort of thing. Fairly simple recipe. Xander? Wesley attempts to read over Giles's shoulder but Giles hands the book to Xander. Xander: I know. I'm ingredient getting guy. Wesley: Alright, stop! I demand everyone STOP this instant! (everyone looks at him) I'm in charge here and I say this is all moving much too fast. We need time to fully analyze the situation and devise a proper and strategic strategem. Buffy: Wes, hop on the train or get off the tracks. Wesley: The Mayor will most assuredly have supernatural safeguards protecting the box. (silence) Oh, we all forgot about that, did we? Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big time danger. Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast. Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods. Buffy: Let's get to work. The gang files past Wesley. Giles pushes a map into Wesley's hands. Wesley mopes for a moment, then turns to follow. [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight. Xander is walking along a street and pauses at the window of a shop. He sees Cordelia inside holding up a dress. He starts, stops, looks for a moment more. He goes inside. Xander: I have a theory. Your snide remarks earlier? I'm guessing grapes a little on the sour side. Didn't get into any schools, did you? The grades were there, but ooh, if it weren't for that pesky interview. Ten minutes with you and the Admissions Department decided that they'd already reached their mean-spirited superficial princess quotas. Cordelia: And once again, the gold medal in the Being Wrong event goes to Xander "I'm as stupid as I look" Harris. (takes envelopes from her purse) Read 'em and weep, creep. USC, Colorado State, Duke, and Columbia. Xander: Wow! These are great colleges. I'm guessing they must have seen a different side of your father's money. Cordelia: (snatches the letters away from him) Go away. Xander: Sure! If you'll excuse me, I have to go back to helping to save some lives. Carry on. I know that you have some important accessorizing to do. Xander leaves. Cordelia looks unhappy. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. A dark van stops in a parking lot. Wesley is driving, Giles rides shotgun. Buffy, Angel, and Willow get out. Giles: Now remember, if anything should go awry, Wesley and I will create a diversion. Wesley: Let's synchronize our watches. I have twenty-one four... Buffy and Willow are holding up their bare wrists. Wesley: Yes, typical. Willow: Maybe we could just count. One one thousand, two one thousand, ... Giles: Be careful, all of you. The trio marches off. Giles turns to Wesley. Giles: Tea? Angel pulls down the fire ladder. Willow starts climbing. [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Oz places a large ceramic pot on a pedestal. Xander enters carrying a paper bag. Oz: You got the goods? Xander: Yeah. (starts pulling plastic baggies out) Essence of toad, twice-blessed sage, maybe that's the toad? Oz: Well, we better be sure. Destroying this box is supposed to be a pretty delicate operation. Xander: Well, then, they shouldn't leave it in the hands of the lay people. Oz: Oh, Willow laid it out for us pretty well. (shows him Willow's papers) Xander: Wow! She even drew helpful diagrams. That's the pedestal. Oz: And the ingredients. And us. See, there's you and there's me. Xander: Well, how can you tell which is which? I mean, they both look kinda stick-figurey to me. Oz: Well, this one's me. See the little guitar. Xander: Oh, gotcha. Oz: Nobody like my Willow. Xander: No sir, there is not. Oz moves to the pot and drops three gold pieces in. Oz: Okay, toad me. Xander throws him a plastic bag. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, on the roof of City Hall. The trio can see the box through the skylight. Angel opens the skylight. Buffy hands Willow a book and a bottle containing salt or sand. Willow reads a spell (in Latin?) while pouring the sand over the box. As the sand falls, a blue force field appears around the box, then suddenly disappears. Willow: (big smile) Oh yeah, I'm bad. Buffy: Four stars, Will. Now get going. Willow: I'm gone. Willow leaves by the fire ladder. Angel fits Buffy with a harness and sets up a pully system. He lowers her down over the box (like the Mission Impossible movie) Buffy: Got it! As she lifts the box off the table, an alarm bell rings. Angel is pulling on the cord, but Buffy doesn't move. Buffy: Angel! Angel: It's jammed. Buffy: I'd like very much to come up now, please. Angel! Angel: I know! Two vampires enter the room with a growl. Buffy: Don't suppose you want to help me get down. (they growl) Didn't think so. Angel leaps down to the table. They fight. Buffy gets in a neat kick using a vertical spin in the trapeze harness, then gets out of it. Buffy and Angel escape the room with the vampire guards in pursuit. Cut to outside. Buffy and Angel run out of the building and dart right. As the vampires leave the building, the black van accelerates past the door and the vampires chase it. Buffy and Angel stand up and watch from their hiding place in the bushes, then run the other way. [SCENE_BREAK] In the wrecked conference room. The Mayor surveys the damage while the vampire guards stand with their heads down. Mayor: Well, this is very unfortunate. I just had this conference room redecorated, for Pete's sake. At taxpayers' expense. And, oh yeah ... (the cheerful facade breaks and with a burst of rage, he smashes a chair) They've got my box. Faith walks in, holding a knife to Willow's neck. Faith: Yeah they do, but looky what we got. Big smile from the Mayor. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Scooby Gang minus Willow. Buffy: How did you guys let ... How did this happen? Giles: We thought she stayed with you. Angel: They must have grabbed her when she hit the ground. Buffy, I'm sorry. Buffy: Look, it's nobody's fault, okay. We just need to focus and deal. Oz, I swear I won't let them hurt her. Xander: We go back. Full-on assault. Giles: They'll kill her. Wesley: We're assuming they haven't already. Buffy: No. No, they know what she means to us. She's too valuable as long as we still have the box. We trade. Wesley: We can't. Buffy: No, it's the safest plan. (to Giles) It's the only way, right? Giles: It might well be. Buffy: Look, we call the Mayor and arrange a meeting. Wesley: This box must be destroyed. Xander: I need a volunteer to hit Wesley. Wesley: Giles, you know I'm right about this. Buffy: Wes, you want to duck and cover at this point? Wesley: Damn it, you listen to me! This box is the key to the Mayor's Ascension. Thousands of lives depend on our getting rid of it. Now I want to help Willow as much as the rest of you, but we will find another way. Buffy: There is no other way. Wesley: You're the one who said take the fight to the Mayor. You were right. This is the town's best hope of survival. It's your chance to get out. Buffy: You think I care about that? Are you made of human parts? Giles: Alright! Let's deal with this rationally. Buffy: Why are you taking his side? The outbursts of Buffy, Giles, and Wesley clash for a moment, then Wesley's voice breaks out of the babble. Wesley: You'd sacrifice thousands of lives? Your families, your friends? Oz has been sitting through all this. He gets up and walks behind Wesley. Wesley: It can all end right here. We have the means to destroy this box. Oz picks up the pot for the box-destroying ritual and throws it into a display case, smashing both to shards. Everyone looks at each other. Buffy: Giles, make the phone call. [SCENE_BREAK] In City Hall, in a musty storeroom. Willow is banging on a locked window, trying to open it. She gives up on the window and pulls out a desk drawer, making a lot of noise. A vampire guard enters the room. Guard: What are you doing? Willow: Oh, uh, I'm looking for a sucking candy, cause my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous, or held prisoner against my will. The vampire slowly approaches her with a hungry look. Willow: And suddenly I'm thinking sucking isn't a good word to use around vampires. Hey! Did you get permission to eat the hostage? I don't think so. You're going to be in some trouble when the Mayor ...Ow! The vampire grabs her shoulders and presses her against a wall. Guard: Just a little taste. As he leans in for the bite, a pencil from the desk drawer floats up behind him and stabs him in the back. He crumbles to dust. Willow leaves the room and starts down a hallway. A door opens and she hears Faith and the Mayor. Willow quickly hides in another room and listens as they pass. Faith: She's not gonna be brain-dead but she'd be to come back here tonight. Mayor: Ever had a dog? Faith: What? Mayor: I did. Rusty. Irish setter. A dog's friendship is stronger than reason, stronger than it's own sense of self-preservation. Buffy's like a dog, and hey, before you can say Jack Robinson, you'll get to see me kill her like one. Faith and the Mayor walk down the hall. Willow starts to run the other way, but stops at the open door to the Mayor's office. She enters, closes the door, and finds the Mayor's cupboard of skulls and magic stuff. She finds a hidden compartment containing the Books of Ascension, and begins skimming the pages. Faith: Check out the bookworm. (standing in the office door) Willow: Faith! Faith: Anyone with brains, anyone who knew what was going to happen to her, would try to claw her way out of this place. But you, you just can't stop Nancy Drew-ing, can you? Guess now you know too much and that kinda just naturally leads to killing. Willow: Faith, wait. I want to talk to you. Faith: Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late. Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste. Faith punches Willow in the jaw and she falls to the ground. Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient. Willow climbs back to her feet. Willow: Aw, here I just thought you didn't have a come-back. Faith: You're begging for some deep pain. Willow: I'm not afraid of you. Faith pulls out the fancy knife. Faith: Let's see what we can do about that. The Mayor is standing in the doorway. Mayor: Girls, I hope I don't have to separate you two. Faith, you can play with your new toy later. Something's come up. Faith keeps holding the knife to Willow's neck, staring into her eyes. Mayor: Faith! You know I don't like repeating myself. Faith: (to Willow) I got someone. I got him. Mayor: I just received a heck of an interesting phone call. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. In the Sunnydale High cafeteria. The Scooby Gang waits for the Mayor. Giles holds a baseball bat. Oz tests a locked door. Oz: The whole place is locked down, except for the front. Xander: Yeah, it gives me that comforting trapped feeling. Buffy: One way out means one way in. I want to see them coming. The lights go out, leaving the room dimly lit by outside lights. Xander: Guess they're shy. Angel: I can see alright. The two vampire guards push open the front doors, followed by the Mayor, then Faith holding Willow. The two groups stop and glare at each other. The Mayor and Buffy advance to within arm's reach. Mayor: Well, this is exciting, isn't it? (chuckles) Clandestine meetings by dark of night. Exchange of prisoners. I just, I, I feel like we should all be wearing trench coats. Buffy: Let her go. Mayor: No. Not until the box is in my hands. So you're the little girl that's been causing me all this trouble. She's pretty, Angel. A little skinny. Still don't understand why it couldn't work out with you and my Faith. Guess you kind of just have strange taste in women. Angel: Well, what can I say? I like them sane. Willow makes a sound as Faith tightens her grip. Oz: Angel. Mayor: Well, I wish you kids the best, I really do. But if you don't mind a bit of fatherly advice, I, uh, I-I just don't see much of a future for you two. I don't sense a lasting relationship. And not just because I plan to kill you. You two have a bumpy road ahead. Buffy: I don't think we need to talk about this. Mayor: God, you kids, you know. You don't like to think about the future. You don't like to make plans. Unless you want Faith to gut your friend like a sea bass, show a little respect for your elders. Angel: You're not my elder. I've got a lotta years on you. Mayor: Yeah, and that's just one of the things you're going to have to deal with. You're immortal, she's not. It's not. I married my Edna May in ought-three and I was with her right until the end. Not a pretty picture. Wrinkled and senile and cursing me for my youth. Wasn't our happiest time. And let's not forget the fact that any moment of true happiness will turn you evil. I mean, come on. What kind of a life can you offer her? I don't see a lot of Sunday picnics in the offing. I see skulking in the shadows, hiding from the sun. She's a blossoming young girl and you want to keep her from the life she should have until it has passed her by. My God! I think that's a little selfish. Is that what you came back from Hell for? Is that your greater purpose? (he stares at Angel for a moment and then shakes his head in disgust) Make the trade. Angel and Faith trade. Faith is holding the box in the center of the room. Mayor: Well, that went smooth. Snyder and two policemen enter the front door. Snyder: Nobody moves! The Mayor steps back into the shadows as Snyder advances. One policeman locks the doors behind him. Snyder: I knew you kids were up to something. Buffy: Snyder, get out of here. Snyder: You're not giving orders, young lady. I suppose you're going to tell me I won't find drugs in this box. Snyder takes the box from Faith and turns away. Faith pulls her knife. Buffy: (to Faith) Wait! Mayor: Principal Snyder. Snyder turns at the Mayor's voice, then focuses on the drawn knife. Mayor: I think we have a problem. Snyder: Mr. Mayor, I had no idea you ... I'm terribly sorry. Mayor: No, it's I who should apologize. Coming down here at night. What must you be thinking? But you see, I just needed to ... Behind Snyder, one of the policemen is opening the box. Mayor: No! Don't do that! A spidery creature leaps out of the box onto the policeman's face. (much like the face-hugger in the Aliens movies) He starts screaming. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] The policeman attempts to pull the spider off his face, but cannot. He collapses to the floor and stops moving. The spider releases him and skitters away into the shadows. The whole thing happened so quickly, no one moved to interfere. The Scooby Gang starts shifting positions, looking for the creature. Wesley: Oh god. Xander: Where did it go? Snyder: (to the remaining cop) Get that door open! Giles: No! You can't let that thing out of here! The policeman fumbles nervously with his keys and drops them. Xander: I still want to know where it went. Buffy: Listen. They hear subtle noises on the ceiling: skittering feet, a low keening. Everyone looks up. The spider drops onto the Mayor's face and he falls backwards onto a table. Faith: Boss! Faith rushes to his aid. She pulls the spider off and flings it into a wall. It rights itself and skitters out of sight. Giles and Wesley climb up on chairs. While everyone is looking at the Mayor, a second spider creeps out of the box. The Mayor sits up with wounds on his face which rapidly fade away. Snyder stares in horror at the Mayor's face. Mayor: Wouldn't leave that open. Buffy slams the lid of the box shut just as a third creature is climbing out. Severed limbs clatter on the floor. As she is crouched at the box, one of the spiders drops on her back. She flips onto her back, crushing it against the floor. Faith sees the second spider climbing the wall behind Wesley and draws back her arm. Wesley sees her. Wesley: No! Wesley ducks. Faith snaps the knife into the spider, killing it. The Mayor strides over the box and picks it up. Oz: Is that all of them? Mayor: Ah, not really. You see, there's about fifty... billion of these happy little critters in here. Would you like to see? The cop finally gets the front doors open. He and the two vampire guards race out of the room. Mayor: Raise your hand if you're invulnerable. (no replies) Faith, let's go. Faith stares at the impaled spider on the wall. Mayor: Faith. Faith stares a moment more, then follows him. Snyder is holding a chair at chest height, legs pointed outward. He turns as Faith walks by, keeping the chair between them. Buffy: Snyder, you alive in there? Snyder: You. All of you. Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people? Snyder walks out cautiously, still holding his chair like a security blanket. Wesley: Well, that went swimmingly. Buffy: We did alright. (Buffy and Willow share a look.) [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Buffy and Willow sit cross-legged on the counter. Willow is very animated. Giles and Wesley stand back. Willow: So Faith was like I'm going to beat you up and I'm all "I'm not afraid of you" and then she had the knife which was less fun a-and then, oh! I-I told her you made your choice, Buffy was your friend... Giles: This is fascinating, but let's get back to the point. You actually had your hands on the Books of Ascension? Willow: Volumes One through Five. Giles: Is there anything you can remember that could be of use to us? Anything at all? Willow: Well, I was in a hurry, and what I did read was kind of over-involved. If you ask me, way over-written. Actually, there were a few pages that looked kind of interesting but I didn't have a chance to read them fully. Giles looks disheartened. Willow pulls some folded pages out of a pocket. Willow: See what you can make of them? Giles smiles like a kid at Christmas and rushes off. Buffy: This is your night for suave, Will. You should get captured more often. Willow: No, thank you. Wesley: Well, let's hope there is something useful in those pages. The Mayor has the Box of Gavrock. As of now, we are right back where we started. Wouldn't you say? Buffy looks unhappy. [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight on campus. Buffy is crouched, leaning back against a tree. Willow walks up. Willow: Deep thoughts? Buffy: Deep and meaningful. Willow: As in? Buffy: As in, I'm never getting out of here. I kept thinking if I stopped the Mayor or ... but I was kidding myself. I mean, there is always going to be something. I'm a Sunnydale girl, no other choice. Willow: Must be tough. I mean, here I am, I can do anything I want. I can go to any college in the country, four or five in Europe if Iwant. Buffy: Please tell me you're going somewhere with this? Willow: No. (hands Buffy a letter) I'm not going anywhere. Buffy: UC Sunnydale? Willow: I will be matriculating with Class of 2003. Buffy: Are you serious? Willow: Say, isn't that where you're going? Buffy hugs her and they tumble onto the ground. Buffy: I can't believe it! Are you serious? Ah, wait, what am I saying? You can't. Willow: What do you mean, I can't? Buffy: I won't let you. Willow: Of the two people here, which is the boss of me? Buffy: There are better schools. Willow: Sunnydale's not bad. A-And I can design my own curriculum. Buffy: Okay, well, there are safer schools. There are safer prisons. I can't let you stay because of me. Willow: Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith. Things just, kind of, got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in. Buffy: I kind of love you. Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad ass Wiccan, and what better place to learn? Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle. Willow: Mochas? Buffy: Yes, please. It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely. Willow: Neat, huh? Buffy: Sometimes it is. [SCENE_BREAK] In the dress shop where Xander and Cordelia last fought. Cordelia is holding a dress in front of her, looking in a full-length mirror. A woman in a suit enters the room behind her. Woman: Chase! What are you doing? Your break's been over for ten minutes. I still need you to re-stock the shelves and clean out the storage room. Let's go. Cordelia looks at the dress for a few seconds more, then goes back to work. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, in a graveyard. Buffy and Angel are holding hands, sitting on a blanket, leaning against a gravestone. Buffy: It's gonna be fun. Will and I are going to go on Saturday to check out the campus. I'm hoping Mom will let me live there. It's too far to come home every night. Plus the whole lack of cool factor. Either way, I'll be close to your place. I don't know what the Mayor was talking about. How could he know anything about us? Angel: Well, he's evil. Buffy: Big time. He doesn't even know what a lasting relationship is. Angel: No. Buffy: Probably the only lasting relationship he's ever had is with evil. Angel: Yeah. Buffy: Big, stupid, evil guy. We'll be okay. Angel: We will. Buffy leans her head against Angel's chest, looking not very okay. BLACK OUT
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[Restaurant – Jen, Joey and Audrey sit at a table for a meal. A waitress is taking their order.] Waitress: Great. I'll be right back with your drinks, ladies. Audrey: This place got an amazing write-up in timeout: Boston. I'm really glad I decided to tag along. Joey: You mean invite yourself. Audrey: Will you stop? (Jen's cell phone rings) Nobody believes that you don't adore me. Jen: (answering her phone) Hello? Joey & Audrey: (singing) Char-lie! Jen: (into phone) Ha! Hi. Audrey: (to Joey) So do we like this Charlie? Joey: We don't really know this Charlie. She seems to keep this Charlie pretty much to herself. Audrey: I'm a little concerned. This is all sounding very “Nine 1/2 Weeks” to me. (Jen hangs up) Booty call? Jen: Pretty much. Yeah. Audrey: Oh! I knew it. Joey: Are you gonna go? Jen: I don't know. I could use the snuggles. Audrey: See, that's what I miss most about not having a boyfriend-- the snuggling. It's better than s*x. If only guys knew how easy it was to make us happy. Joey: Yeah, but you know what? Even if they did know, they'd still screw it up. Snuggling to them is merely just a means to an end. Jen: I mean, I've been seeing Charlie for a week, and the only thing that I really know about him is that his boxers are from The Gap. Audrey: Well, there are worse things, you know? Jen: Such as? Audrey: Well, for instance, he could be a tighty-whitey guy. Jen and Joey: Oh! Jen: Oh, good point! Joey: Ok. On that note... I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and when I get back, I'd like it very much if this week's episode of “s*x and the City” had come to an end. Jen: Ok, Charlotte. (Joey heads to the bathroom when she stops short. Her face turns serious as they show what she's looking at – A guy who looks like Pacey scene through a window in the door to the kitchen. As a waitress comes out of the kitchen, the door swings open and Pacey is in full view. Opening credits.) [Restaurant – Joey moves to a bench near the restroom, followed by Jen.] Joey: I wonder how long he's been in town. Jen: 3 and 1/2 weeks. Joey: You think it's been that long? Jen: Yeah, I'm positive. Joey: You knew? Jen: Only that he was in Boston, not that he was working at this restaurant. I swear. Joey: Why didn't you tell me? Jen: Because he made me promise not to. Joey: I should go. Jen: No, Joey... don't you want to see him or talk to him? Joey: Of course I want to see him, but he obviously doesn't want to see me. Jen: No-- you don't know that. Joey: 3 1/2 weeks. Jen, if he wanted to see me, he would have, and if he wanted to see me, he wouldn't have asked you not to tell me. (she gets up and walks out) [Grams' House – Dawson is in the living room when Grams returns with blankets and a pillow.] Dawson: Grams, thank you again for letting me stay here. Grams: I quite enjoy having an expatriate sleeping on my sofa. Makes it feel like Paris in the twenties around here. Alas, no crepes, but I did bake you some Rice Krispie squares for your bus trip tomorrow. Dawson: Oh, how can I be so sure about something and so nervous about doing it at the same time? Grams: Staying in Boston. It's a big decision. Dawson: Well, I can handle it. It's just telling my parents I'm worried about. Grams: Well, they might surprise you. Dawson: Maybe I should just give it more time. Grams: Because of your busy schedule? Dawson: Because I-- I don't even know what I'm gonna tell them. Grams: The truth will set you free. Dawson: The truth will tick them off. Maybe a letter. Grams: If Moses could face Pharaoh, you can face your parents. [Frat House – People are partying and drinking while Jack and “Blossom” sit on the couch playing PS2. They are yelling and laughing over the game they are playing, until Jack finally scores and they cheer.] Blossom: Oh, yes! Whoo! Yes! You are the man, Jack. You the man. Jack: All right. Man can't breathe. Blossom: (introducing Jack to someone) Jack, this is Polar Bear. Jack: Hey! Polar Bear: Welcome to Sigma house, Jack. Good to have you. Jack: (shaking hands) Thanks, man. Polar Bear: How are your classes going? Jack: Not bad. Not bad. Polar Bear: Thompson's Astro class is a bitch, huh? Jack: (surprised) Yeah. It is, actually. That's the one class I'm really struggling with. How'd you know that? Polar Bear: (handing him a business card) Call me. We'll talk about the topic of your pop quiz next week. Pete: (walking up) Blossom, this the guy? Blossom: Jack McPhee, Pete Willard. Pete: How you doing, Jack? Welcome to the house. Jack: Thanks. Pete: So you get any time on the links lately? Jack: Oh, man, I wish. It's kind of hard to scare up a golf game with the college crowd. Blossom: Pete's on a full-ride golfing scholarship at Boston Bay. Jack: I don't think we're playing the same game. Pete: Ah, you can shoot under par at Capeside Country Club, you can hang. So you interested in helping me humiliate a couple of ATO's Sunday morning? Jack: Yeah, I'd love to. Pete: All right, man. Good to meet you. Jack: Cool. Thanks. Pete: Later, buddy. Blossom: (handing him a plate with a baked potato and a glass of beer) Here you go, man. Jack: You got to be kidding me. How do you know so much about me? Blossom: A bid to Sigma Ep is for life. Before we extend that privilege, we pretty much make sure we know everything about each guy rushing the house. Jack: Actually, Blossom, look, I think I should probably— Blossom: Excuse me. I think a pledge just accepted his bid. I got a new brother. (he walks off to join a bunch of frat guys carrying another guy around and singing the Sigma Ep song.) [Restaurant – Kitchen. Pacey is peeling potatoes when Karen walks in with a salad.] Karen: This loudmouthed blond girl just returned her Caesar salad because of the anchovies. [Imitating Audrey] She, like, hates anchovies. Pacey: So? Karen: You wouldn't understand. Pacey: You want to know something I really don't understand? Danny hires me on as the new cook, right? But then he won't let me cook. I don't know about you, but this, to me, looks a lot like potato peeling. Karen: You're not wearing the hat. Why aren't you wearing the hat? There are health regulations, you know. Pacey: I would sooner slap on a pair of chaps, ok? Karen: Fine, Pacey. Don't wear the hat. Pacey: All right. Is it just me, or are you not liking me so much tonight? What? Now you're not even talking to me? Karen: I'm working. Pacey: No, you're waiting. Karen: I'm thinking. Pacey: Well, you're usually talking. Karen: Did it ever occur to you that I might actually have other things to do besides stand around the kitchen and yak it up with the new prep cook? Pacey: You see a prep cook? Because that actually refers to somebody who would cook, which I'm not doing. All I'm doing is peeling potatoes, so I know you couldn't be talking to me. [Charlie's Dorm – Jen shows up for her booty call.] Jen: Just so you know, um, this is not gonna become a regular thing. Charlie: What's not? Jen: You calling, me just showing up here in the middle of the night like this. Charlie: Yeah, but you didn't just show up. You know, I could have gotten a pizza in less time than it took you. Actually, two pizzas, deep-dish, Chicago-style. (he starts to kiss her) Jen: Chicago? Is that where you're from? Charlie: (trying to kiss her) Not exactly. Jen: Well, um... where exactly? Charlie: Do we really need to talk about this right now? Jen: Yes... because we've been, you know, whatever for a week now, and I feel like I don't know the most basic things about you. Charlie: (kissing her) Come on. Sure you do. Jen: Where'd you grow up? Charlie: (more kissing) All over. Jen: Where d you go to high school, then? Charlie: Lots of places. Jen: (breaking free from Charlie) Ok, see... that's what I mean. These-- these are not real answers. Charlie: Come on. So? The real answers are boring and long. Jen: And what? You only provide them on a need-to-know basis? Charlie: Yes. Highland park, Illinois. Not exactly the birthplace of cool. All right? Jen: There. Wasn't so hard, was it? Charlie: It was torture. [Capeside – The Leery Residence. Dawson stands in the backyard looking at the Creek. Suddenly Mitch comes outside.] Mitch: Dawson? Dawson: Hey, dad. [Leery Residence – Living room. Dawson is looking at the couch.] Dawson: New couch. Mitch: Your mom's been on a redecorating kick ever since you left. Dawson: I like it. Mitch: I miss my old one. Gale: (coming downstairs) Dawson! Oh, I can't believe it! What a surprise! Oh! Is this really you? Dawson: It's really me. Gale: Oh, look at you! Oh, my God. You are thin as a rail. Mitch: I want to hear about L.A. You get that deal with Dreamworks yet? Gale: Did you get the cookies that I sent you? Dawson: No, actually, I didn't. I haven't gotten the cookies because I haven't gotten my mail in L.A. For over a week. Mitch: Class is really that intense, huh? Well, good. You'll learn something. Dawson: I haven't gotten my mail because I haven't been in L.A. Gale: Uh, I don't get it. Dawson: I've been in Boston. Gale: Uh... still not getting it. Dawson: Um... guys, USC Is not for me. I want to drop out. I know this comes as a surprise to both of you, but I spent the whole summer in L.A., And I went to every single one of my classes, and the main thing that I learned about LA is that LA is just not where I want to be right now. Gale: And Boston is? Dawson: All my friends are in Boston. Gale: Oh, honey. You'll make new friends in California. It just takes some time. Dawson: Mom, it's more than that. It's more than that. I'm... I'm at a profound crossroads in my life, and I know that if I don't choose this path, I'm going to have significant regrets. Gale: Hmm Where would you live? Dawson: Uh, with Jack and Jen at Grams'. Gale: What would you do? Dawson: Find a new school. Gale: Oh, Dawson. Dawson: Mom, I know I sound like a complete flake, but I promise you, I've given this a lot of thought. Mitch: I've given this some thought myself, and I've decided... you're not dropping out. Dawson: It doesn't work like that, dad. Mitch: If you're going to stand here and talk to me about crossroads and paths so you can drop out of school and go crash on a sofa, then don't presume to talk to me like you're an adult. (he walks out of the room) Gale: (Lily starts to cry through the monitor) Oh! Lily, I know how you feel. (she goes upstairs leaving Dawson alone.) Dawson: Welcome home. [Joey's Dorm – Joey is cleaning out something as Audrey tries to get her to open up.] Audrey: Ok. So who's the guy? Joey: What guy? Audrey: The guy who you saw at the restaurant last night that obviously has some huge impact on your life. Joey: Audrey, the only guy that has an impact on my life right now is James Joyce, and I can't focus on him until I get this room in order. Audrey: You know... back in L.A., I was something of a therapist to a lot of my friends. People would call me all the time to talk about their problems. Some even paid the surcharge to call from the valley, and lucky you, you've got me here whenever you want me. Joey: Lucky me. Audrey: So why don't you stop cleaning up the mess and tell me about him? Joey: Don't you have a lacrosse team to date or something? Audrey: I have this theory about you. You want to hear it? Joey: No. Audrey: You love academia because of the rules, and you hate relationships because of the lack of them. So do you want to see him or not? Joey: Yes. No. Yes, but only if he wants to see me, and he obviously doesn't. Audrey: Ha! God, you're dense. Of course he wants to see you. Joey: What makes you say that? Audrey: Because... you're beautiful and you don't know it. Because you're smart and you don't believe it. You're the kind of girl that guys never get over. Joey, you're the kind of girl that other girls get compared to. Joey: I don't-- I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Audrey: Why do I think you don't want to make yourself feel uncomfortable? Joey: It's complicated. I mean, it ended messy, and I don't want to make things worse. Audrey: Joey, no one's gonna grade you on how you handle this, you know? No one's gonna come along and tell you what's expected so you know how to succeed. Relationships are messy. That's their nature. They start messy, and they end messy, and if you ever want to have another relationship in your life, you better just stop worrying about the mess. [Frat House – the following day. Jack sleeping on the couch when he is woken up by Blossom.] Blossom: (handing him an envelope) Do you know what this is, McPhee? Jack: I'm not even sure where I am. Blossom: The inner chapter room. Sigmas don't let you drink and drive. We plan on keeping our house. See these pictures on the wall? Every one of these Sigma men looked at the very same thing you're looking at right now. This is your future, Jack. Open it. Jack: (opening his invitation) Wow! What happens if I accept? Blossom: You live in the house, you eat your meals here, your problems become our problems, your success, our success. We're your brothers, your family. What do you think, Jack? Jack: I--I don't know what to think. It's all kind of overwhelming. Blossom: There comes a point in every man's life when he has to ask himself that one fundamental question-- am I in or am I out? Jack: Yeah... yeah, I've asked myself that question, actually, and I think you guys really need to know the answer. (they all look at him) I'm gay. Blossom: (the guys laugh a little) You thought we didn't know that? Jack: Most people are surprised. Blossom: Most people aren't Sigma people. You're sigma people, Jack. You're one of us. Jack: You mean, there's other guys in the house that are gay? Blossom: You'd be the first. Jack: Most fraternities are not particularly well known for, you know, their tolerance towards alternative lifestyles. Blossom: Which is precisely why we need you in this house, McPhee. Listen, Sigma Ep has a reputation for being one of the roughest, party-hearty, alpha male fraternities on campus, a reputation which is not entirely unfounded. The dean wants us to diversify. The dean gets what the dean wants, so, yes, Jack, we know you're gay, and we want you in this house because you're gay. [Charlie's Dorm – Jen and Charlie are in bed together.] Jen: So...what's your favorite color? Charlie: I don't know. The color of your eyes. Jen: (covering Charlie's eyes) And that would be? Charlie: This is ridiculous. You think I've been sleeping with you for a week and I don't know what color your eyes are? Jen: Humor me. Charlie: Brown. Jen: With subtle flecks of green. Charlie: Look, it's not entirely my fault that we just happen to have a completely normal, healthy, active s*x life. Jen: What are you saying? That it's my fault? Charlie: No. I'm just saying that neither one of us has very much in the way of self-control. Jen: Huh! You don't think that we could go a day without having s*x of any kind? Charlie: A day? Are you insane, woman? We'd be lucky to make it 12 hours. Jen: What's the matter? Afraid you couldn't hold out? Charlie: Now, you see... I know I can hold out. I'm just not sure you can. Jen: Well, all right, then. Bring it on. 12 hours, starting right now, no s*x. (Charlie moves to kiss her. Jen sounds unresisting.) No. No. What--oh! Huh. Charlie: Maybe we should get out of bed. Jen: Good idea. [Restaurant – Pacey is still working on potatoes the next day. Karen walks in.] Pacey: So is it me? Did I forget to replace the paper towels in the employee washroom? (she ignores him) You know, Brecher told me that the waitresses were moody, but you, Madame, are off the charts, and that guy is a total, complete, and utter wackjob, because he caught me touching one of the pans today, and the guy almost snapped. "Put down the ironclad and step away from the stove." Karen: Allclad. Pacey: Huh? Karen: Why would he let you mess with something you don't even know the name of? Pacey: Oh, come on. Just hate him with me for a second, would you? You know, nothing'll bond two colleagues quicker than bitching about the boss. Karen: We're not colleagues. This isn't a law firm. I wait for people. You cook for them. Pacey: Uh, no. I don't actually cook for them. I just get to cut their potatoes into paper-thin slices for reasons that are, quite frankly, beyond me. Karen: The whole job is beyond you. Pacey: Ok. What's the problem? Karen: He's got you doing classic culinary prep work. You have to wear the hat so that some nice young woman who's here on her first date doesn't puke in the ladies' room when she finds a strand of your greasy hair in her pumpkin puree, and the only problem I have is that I'm working with someone whose sole qualification for this job is his gender. Pacey: Well, you see, this is good. We're making progress now because you just exploded on me. I just have no idea why. [Capeside – Dawson's Room. Dawson sits on the floor next to his bed when Mitch walks in.] Mitch: When I was your age, I used to spend hours and hours just sitting around thinking about my life. Dawson: Why'd you stop? Mitch: Well, I guess I got too busy living it to sit around reflecting on it. Dawson: I hope I never get to that place. Mitch: Dawson... I am sleeping in the room with a baby monitor. I'm tired, so don't B.S. me. You and I both know what this is about. This is about a girl. Dawson: You say that like it's a bad thing. Mitch: You've been making movies ever since you were a little boy. I first heard about USC when you were 10, and for the last 4 years, it's been the frigging mantra of the leery household. So what do you do? You work your tail off. You overcome hell and high water and the kind of adversity that would send ordinary kids running for cover, and you actually do the impossible, and you get yourself in. You did it, Dawson. You...did it. Now here you are... your whole life ahead of you, and you're thinking about chucking it all away? What are you-- you crazy? Dawson: Maybe a little. Mitch: You want to talk about standing at a crossroads, fine, but for God's sake, choose your own path. Dawson: Dad, that's what I'm trying to do. Mitch: No, you're not. You're following Joey down hers. I know how much she means to you, but do you really think it's wise to make major life decisions based on someone else? Remember, this isn't high school anymore. The stakes are high. Your decisions have real consequences. Dawson: God, come on. Dad, honestly, do you think I don't know that? You think I don't know that this is the most important decision of my life? Mitch: Then make the right one. Dawson: Dad, it's not that simple. Mitch: It really is. Dawson... I have lived twice as long as you, and I'm just trying to give you the benefit of my experiences. Dawson: Dad, I can't live the life that you want me to have. I can't live the life that you choose for me, all right? I have to have my own. Mitch: Your own? Dawson: Yes. Mitch: Fine. Here's the opportunity to have the life you've wanted ever since you were a little boy. (hands him an airline ticket) I booked you on the 3:30 tomorrow. Seize this opportunity, Dawson. Seize it. It'll be gone in a moment... and that's life. [SCENE_BREAK] [Leery Residence – Dawson sits on a blanket outside with Lilly. Gale and Mitch sit in the distance watching them.] Gale: I've got a little confession to make. It's completely and utterly selfish, but I totally want him to drop out of USC and come back and be close to us. Mitch: When I saw him out there standing in the yard, my heart pretty much leapt out of my chest, and I thought, "God, I miss this kid." I miss having him around and seeing him across the table at dinner. I miss hearing what he thinks about whatever movie he's just seen. Do you know how much I love my life? I have this amazing family. I mean, I know everybody says that, but, trust me, I've been around the block long enough to know that what we have here is so incredibly rare. But you see... it's the only thing I've ever really been good at. Gale: Oh, honey. Mitch: No, no, no. I'm a family man. I can say with relative certainty that I will never write a poem... (Gale laughs) Or paint a painting or make a movie that will change the world. Just wasn't in the cards for me, and that's ok because maybe, just maybe... our son will do that. (Gale kisses him) What was that for? Gale: What can I say? I love my boys. [Charlie's Dorm – Jen and Charlie are trying to not have s*x.] Jen: (looking through a newspaper) This is working. This is totally working. Two people, two cups of coffee, just doing what people do who don't have s*x. Charlie: Going to a movie? Jen: Mm-hmm. Um, check this out. Fellini retrospective-- la strada, la dolce vita... Charlie: Uh, no, I can't do it. No subtitles. Jen: No subtitles? Charlie: No. I can't stand them. You know, if I want to read, I'll pick up a book. Jen: What happened to "I'll see anything"? Charlie: Well, anything without subtitles. Jen: Not even action movies? No John Woo, Jackie Chan, Crouching Tiger? Charlie: Is this some kind of problem for you? Jen: No. No. No. No. I mean... it's not like a difference of opinion on subtitles spells doom for a relationship, right? I mean, so what really? So what that I have an overwhelming physical attraction to somebody who categorically rejects the very best that world cinema has to offer just because he's a little too lazy to read the words on the screen. Charlie: Now, see? You're mad. No, no. This is good. This is good. This is what I was talking about-- us getting to know each other naturally. You learn a little something about me, I learn a little something about you, right? And before you know it, these 12 hours are up, and we can have s*x again. [Grams' House – Jack is talking with Grams.] Jack: I got a bid to join Sigma. Grams: That's wonderful. Jack: Tobey doesn't think so. He called me "the gay uncle Tom." He's convinced that they only want me to fill some kind of quota, which isn't entirely untrue. Grams: How do you feel when you're over there? Jack: Well, see, that's the weird thing. I mean, for the first time in my life, I feel like I've finally found a place where I'm comfortable, you know? I fit in with these guys. Grams: What's weird about that? Jack: I'd be the only gay guy in the house. Grams: Oh. Well, it sounds to me like... its more of an issue with you than it is with them. Jack: You're right. You're right, but that's strange because it's typically not how I am. Grams: But it is typically how Tobey is. If these fellows know you 1/10 as well as I know you, I am quite certain they want you for much more than filling a quota. [Capeside – Gale and Dawson sit on a picnic table.] Gale: Did Joey ask you to stay in Boston? Dawson: No. Gale: Are you two Dawson: Together? No. It makes no logical sense. I know. The past few years of my life, I haven't done anything without a clear-cut objective. I've always been asking myself, "What's my goal? What am I trying to accomplish?" And my whole life, everybody's always been telling me to follow my heart. The irony is, now that I've finally figured out what that means, everybody's telling me I'm crazy if I do it. Gale: No, honey. I'm not saying not to follow your heart, but... people change, Dawson. It's a fact. You, all of your friends, you're all gonna change. So if you are absolutely sure that you want to be with Joey, just make sure that you are not going to prevent either one of you from growing. And, sweetheart, I am not dismissing this beautiful idea of soul mates, but the reality of eternal coupling... well, quite frankly, it boils down to one thing... faith. So ask yourself this question-- is Joey the kind of person that you are willing to take a very big leap of faith for? [Dorm – Charlie and Jen are comparing themselves to each other while they play Gin.] Charlie: Coke. Jen: Pepsi. Exile in guyville. Charlie: Exile on Main Street. Jen: Favorite president? Charlie: I don't know. Lincoln? Hmm. I am from Illinois. Jen: Favorite Charlie's Angel? Charlie: Cameron Diaz. Now can we just get back to playing Gin? Jen: No. Not until we find something that we have in common. Charlie: Look. We already have something in common--sex. Jen: Well, you've got to find something else. You can't base a relationship purely on s*x. Charlie: Now, you see, I beg to differ. s*x is a pretty big thing to have in common. I mean, what exactly are we trying to prove here? What possible reason could there be for two intelligent, responsible people who just happen to have an overwhelming physical attraction for each other to deny that attraction? (he moves to Jen) Jen: Oh, why are you leaving your side of the room? Charlie: Because. (he climbs in bed with her) Jen: Are you kidding? Charlie: No. Are you? Jen: (they start to kiss) No. Ok. Ok, but this does not mean that we're gonna give up on finding something that we have in common. Charlie: Agreed. Jen: Because, I mean, at some point, this relationship has to move out of the room. Charlie: Agreed. Jen: I'm sure that this is just a stage, and as long as both people are intelligent and responsible, there's no reason why we can't have—(Charlie looks upset) what? Charlie: No condoms. We used the last one last night. Jen: You're kidding me. Well, go find one. Charlie: What? Jen: Go borrow one. Go get one. Charlie: Why borrow when we can steal? Come on. Let's go. Come on. (he grabs her hand and pulls her off the bed) Jen: What-- where-- where are we going? Charlie: Look. We're taking this relationship out of the bedroom, all right? [Boston Docks – Joey walks down the docks looking for Pacey's boat. She finally spots him and walks up slowly.] Joey: (looking up at the sky) You can't see them very well, can you, at night in the city? Pacey: (surprised, he turns around to look at her. He smiles a little and looks up at the sky.) What, the stars? Um... no, you can't see them very well, (looking at Joey) but what the hell? I've seen them all before, right? Joey: (finally looking at him and smiling) Me, too. (he motions for her to come aboard and helps her up) Pacey: So I'm guessing that this means that Lindley sold me out, huh? Joey: Ah, go easy on her. I saw you at the restaurant. Pacey: Ah, yeah. My new stomping grounds. Joey: Well, after that, she did unravel like a cheap suit. Pacey: Which would explain why she hasn't been around to see me lately. Joey: No, that would be because she met a guy. Pacey: Really? That's good for her. Joey: Yeah. So I guess, um, she's told you about these Sunday dinners we've been having. Pacey: Uh, yeah. I seem to remember something to that effect. Joey: Well, it's-- it's nice. I mean, we try to get together every week because it's easy to get lost in the big city. Pacey: Well, of course it is. You don't have enough stars to guide you. Joey: You should try to come some time. Pacey: I'll try and do that. Joey: Because, Pace, I would-- I would hate that... you not coming had anything to do with me. Pacey: With you? Joey: Or this thing we shared called the romance. You know, I did really badly, and there was bitterness and tears and... recrimination. Pacey: Yeah. I think I remember that. We dated once, right? Joey: Yeah, we did, didn't we? (she moves to the wheel and he helps her over) But, you know, I've practically forgotten now that I've slept with half the football team. Pacey: Really? Just half? I think that shows incredible restraint on your part. Joey: Well, I had to leave half for my roommate. Pacey: Oh, roommate. Oh, lord. I feel sorry for this person. 24 hours a day, confined in a small space with you-- it's not healthy. (they both take a seat) Joey: I don't snore. Pacey: I beg to differ. Joey: So, Pace, um... the other day, I had to read this article for biology, and it said that contrary to all previous thinking on the subject, human beings may actually be able to regrow brain cells. Pacey: So I guess that means the whole "this is your brain on drugs" thing is moot. Joey: I wouldn't go toking up just yet... but I think what it means is that at some point in the not-so-distant future, it may actually be possible to forget all the bad stuff and only remember the good. Pacey: I don't know. If you ask me, I think that's already possible. So tell me some more about this new roommate of yours. Joey: You really want to know? Pacey: Well, of course I want to know. Joey: No. I want to know about your job and this boat. This is one mother of a boat, Pace. Pacey: Yeah, I know. I mean, it's not technically mine, but it's good for right now. And the job is a job, but this summer... [Leery Residence – Dawson finishes packing up his bag and goes downstairs. Gale has Lily with her.] Gale: (to Lily) Ok, sweetheart. Come on. Oh, yes. (to Dawson) Oh, honey, did you remember your sweaters? Dawson: Yes, mom. I remembered everything you packed for me. Gale: Ok. Um, look. (Handing him a ziplock bag of cookies) I made these for you for your trip. Please promise me that you'll eat more. Dawson: I promise. Gale: (kissing him) I love you. Dawson: I love you, too. Good-bye, Lily. Good-bye. Ok, sweetie. Be good. Try not to spit up on mom too much, ok? (Lily grabs his bag of cookies) Those are my cookies. They're mine. Gale: (to Lily) Ohh, he'll come back. (Mitch walks in) Dawson: (handing him the airline ticket) Hope you can get a refund on that. Dad, I know you think I'm making a mistake, but if I am, it's a mistake I have to make for myself, all right? And I know when you think about this, you're gonna realize I'm only trying to be the kind of person you taught me to be. Mitch: I think you are making a mistake, Dawson, a huge mistake, and I am disappointed in you. But never, ever for a single second forget that I love you... and I will always be here for you. (Mitch walks out) Dawson: Mom? Gale: He'll be fine. Call him. Dawson: I will. (he goes out to his cab and gets in. Mitch watches as it pulls away.) [Boston Bay Health Center – Jen and Charlie are climbing through a window.] Jen: So... breaking and entering a typical second date for you? Charlie: We're not breaking and entering. Hey, the window was open, right? Jen: Isn't that just a little bit convenient? Charlie: No, because there's nothing in here worth stealing... except... a Boston Bay tradition. Jen: What, breaking into this health center and stealing condoms is a Boston Bay tradition? Charlie: (there's a huge glass container filled with condoms on the counter, with a sign over it) It's not stealing. They're free. See? Read the sign. "Gift to the class of 1990. Here's hoping you get laid." Jen: Is that what you think that that sign says? Charlie: Well, something like that. I'm paraphrasing. Look. I haven't actually been here in a while. So if we could just get what we came for— Jen: You can't read the sign, can you? Charlie: Oh, come on. Who could read that from here? That's like china from here. Jen: (reading the sign) "Gift to the class of 1990, in anticipation of a world without aids." Charlie: I was close. Jen: You are totally nearsighted, aren't you? Charlie: I'm not nearsighted. I just-- I just can't read really teeny things far away. Jen: Like--I don't know-- um, subtitles? Charlie: Yes. Subtitles, all right? I hate subtitles because I can't read them without my glasses. You satisfied? Jen: Yes. Actually, I think that this little field trip was a good idea because now I finally know something about you. Charlie: What, that I'm nearsighted? Trust me. They make me look like a total dork. Jen: You are a total dork, a vain dork. Come here and kiss me. (they sink to the floor. Charlie snakes his hand into the glass and grabs a condom.) [Frat House – Jack is speaking with Blossom and the other “brothers”.] Jack: I don't want to be wanted just to-- to fill some kind of quota. Blossom: Well, you know the reason we first came after you, Jack, but the truth is, man, we really like you. Don't be thrown by this quota thing. Yeah, you're filling one. I'm filling one. He's filling one. Everybody in this room has qualities and experiences that are unique. That's why Sigmas kick butt. Jack: Yeah, but you want a gay guy in the house— Blossom: Yes, we do, but you're the one we want. Jack: All right, but do you understand the reality of what you're gonna get here? I mean, my boyfriend, Tobey, when he comes to visit, I mean, he's gonna be eating here and partying here, too, and if I live in the house, you know, he's gonna be sleeping here and showering here. Blossom: Jack... Tobey is welcome. Even if you don't live at the house, if he needs a place to crash, this is his home, too. That's what it means to be a brother. Jack: Cool. Blossom: So what do you say, Jack? Jack: I say sign me up! Blossom: Welcome to the house, brother. Jack: Thanks, man. Brother: All right! Yeah! (they all cheer and life Jack up on their shoulders.) [Restaurant – Brecher walks into the kitchen and up to Pacey.] Pacey: Hey. I'm done. 42 pounds of peeled and sliced potatoes. Now, may I please cook them? Brecher: Quiet. Pacey: Ok. Brecher: (examining the sliced potatoes) Well, now. Looks like you started getting the hang of it toward the end here. There's hope for you. Pacey: Ah, thanks. (Brecher takes the huge bowl of potatoes and dumps the entire thing in the trash.) What are you do-- that was hours of work, man! Brecher: I don't serve potato chips in my restaurant. Pacey: Really? So then why did you waste my time and your money having me do that? Brecher: Training. Pacey: Ah. Ok. (Brecher grabs Pacey's hand with the knife in it and grabs him forcefully over to a cutting board.) Brecher: (handing him a potato like object – a truffle) Here, wack job. Slice. Pacey: What is that? Brecher: Forget about what it is. Slice it, just like the potato. (Pacey professionally slices it thin) That's not bad. You're learning. Pacey: Now would you mind telling me what this is all about? Brecher: Behold the white truffle-- so fresh that you can actually see the little hoof marks from the pig that dug it out of the I-talian soil. These babies go for $1,200 a pound. Pacey: What? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Brecher: Now, if I let some headstrong kid get anywhere near them without proper training, I really would be a “wack job”. Taste. (he pulls a slice of truffle out of a pot and gives it to Pacey) Pacey: (eating) Ok. I get it. Brecher: Karen has more discipline and motivation than a slack-ass like you will ever have, but this isn't kick boxing, and that's why I wouldn't give her your job. Pacey: (laughing) She wanted my job. Brecher: Yeah. You're not gonna pick this up through sheer will. Cooking is a craft which can't be taught. However, it can be learned. Pacey: What does that mean? Brecher: Clean up your station. You're cooking the truffle ravioli tomorrow. [Worthington – Joey enters her dorm building and checks her mail. As she moves to the steps, she sees Dawson sitting there.] Dawson: How was your weekend? Joey: Strange and unusual. How about yours? Dawson: Strange and unpleasant. Joey: You ok? Dawson: Not really. I alienated my parents, and now I find myself adrift in a sea of uncertainty. But, hey, what else is new, right? Joey: Can I do something to help? Dawson: Yeah. You can tell me that I, without a doubt, made the right decision and that this decision will have nothing but positive repercussions for the rest of my life. Joey: Dawson, I can't do that. Dawson: Damn. Joey: But I can tell you this. There is no right or wrong, just consequences of your actions. Dawson: What the hell does that mean? Joey: Well, I'm not sure exactly. My sociology professor said that last week, and I thought it sounded pretty profound at the time. Dawson: Great. I should just get on a plane right now. Joey: We can't. We tried that already. We can't seem to get you on that plane. You're like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. How about a cup of coffee? Dawson: Sure. It's about time I got acquainted with this city of yours. Joey: So how was Capeside? Dawson: Same old same old. They're tearing down the new rialto, building, like, a new 16-theater multiplex or something. Joey: I guess it just goes to show you. Dawson: What? Joey: You can never go home again. [Capeside – The Mitch Mobile. Mitch is driving at night, back from the grocery store. He is singing “Drift Away” and eating an ice cream cone. Suddenly his top scoop falls off. He tries to reach it, but can't. He lowers his body to reach it and when he sits up, lights from an oncoming car brighten his face. A horn blares and it blacks out. End credits.]
doc_46
"The Skull in the Sculpture" [SCENE_BREAK] (Open: Junk yard. Two drunken guys are climbing a fence with barbed wire) CHUNKY: My dad thinks I'm selfish, so I want to steal him some spare parts for his birthday. DUANE: You're a good son, man. CHUNKY: Hey, dude, I'm not moving. DUANE: Dude, your jacket is caught on the barbed wire. Bounce around a little bit, and you'll come loose. CHUNKY: (falls to the ground. laughs) That worked great. (The two begin staggering around stacks of compressed vehicles) DUANE: So, what kind of car does he have? CHUNKY: Old one. Toyota FJ-40. He loves that thing. More than me, that's for sure. DUANE: Check it out! CHUNKY: Oh, wow! (The two run towards a stack of cars) Can you imagine if I gave him that golden side mirror? I could glue it on his truck. (begins pulling out side mirror) Got to be gentle. It's coming. (Mirror comes off and blood begins to run out of the car) DUANE: The car is bleeding. CHUNKY: There's something back there. (Pulls out sheet of glass to reveal a skull. Both scream.) (Cut to a restaurant bar. Sweets is sitting at the bar. Angela walks up) ANGELA: Okay, look, just to be clear, I asked you out for a drink to talk, not because I'm desperate for male company. SWEETS: You think of me as male company? WAITER: (off camera) Can I get you anything? ANGELA: Vodka up, please. And my grandson here will have another of whatever that is. SWEETS: Oh, sidecar, but no, I'm fine. Okay, one more, one more. I'm cabbing it. (turns to Angela who is now leaning on the bar facing the rest of the room) You just got divorced and broke up with your fiancé. It's totally understandable that you don't feel like s*x. ANGELA: I feel like s*x. SWEETS: Oh. ANGELA: s*x is what I feel like. Now, I could jump Hodgins, but doesn't seem fair somehow. Do you agree? SWEETS: Well, what matters is that it doesn't seem fair to you. ANGELA: Oh, I hate it when shrinks do that. (both turn back to the bar) ANGELA: Look, I've been alone now for quite a while, which is not like me. SWEETS: Yeah, well, when we open ourselves emotionally and get hurt, we're reluctant to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable again. ANGELA: It's been, like, six weeks. SWEETS: That's a-a... ANGELA: Long time. SWEETS: (looks down uncomfortably) Yes, of course it is. ANGELA: The longest I've gone without since I lost my virginity. At age 16. SWEETS: Hmm. ANGELA: Which is the normal age. SWEETS: Sometimes older is just fine, too. ANGELA: I'm not promiscuous, Sweets. I don't sleep with just anybody. I do require an emotional connection. Spiritual, actually. SWEETS: Mm-hmm. ANGELA: It's spiritual to me. And fun, of course. Who doesn't like s*x, right? SWEETS: Hey! Didn't we order these drinks a long time ago? ANGELA: You're right. SWEETS: (looks at Angela in surprise) About what? ANGELA: I have been protecting myself. Without the risk of pain, there can be no possibility of pleasure or joy or love. SWEETS: Yes, yes, and-and regaining that willingness to take a risk-- that can take time. ANGELA: No. SWEETS: No? ANGELA: I am done protecting myself. I'm ready to move on. You're good. SWEETS: Hey. (both turn back to the bar as the waiter brings their drinks) ANGELA: You really are. WAITER: Here you go SWEETS: Thank you. ANGELA: (raising her glass for a toast) To love, huh? And joy. (they clink glasses. Angela raises her voice and looks around) And s*x! (Sweets laughs awkwardly) (Cut to the Medico-Legal-Lab - in front of Forensics Platform. Brennan and Hodgins are looking at the crushed car with the skull as Cam, Daisey, and Angela stand behind them. Hodgins is using a flashlight.) HODGINS: Looks like someone with a crooked nose was trying to get rid of our friend here. BRENNAN: There's no way to know that the killer had a crooked nose. DAISY: You mean, the mob? It was a mob hit. CAM: He clearly wasn't wearing a seat belt. HODGINS: We're going to need the Jaws of Life to pry this guy out of here. (Cam and Hodgins begin walking around the car) BRENNAN: No. That could compromise the remains. DAISY: It seems that any viable examination pre-extraction is impossible, unless somebody has X-ray vision. (laughs awkwardly) CAM: (to Brennan) I meant to warn you that Ms. Wick came up in the rotation. DAISY: This time you'll be glad I'm here, Dr. Brennan, I promise. (Brennan and Angela exchange a look of annoyance) DAISY: The height of the nasal root points to a Caucasian. The large brow ridges suggest a male. BRENNAN: We need cause of death. (Angela begins to walk around the car) DAISY: Of the Caucasian male? What can be seen of the temporal, zygomatic and frontal bones indicates that they're in multiple fragments, possibly from the crushing of the car. CAM: We have access to blood and fluids. I'll run a tox screen. BRENNAN: (begins to walk around car. All four are now on seperate sides) Booth is checking the records at the junkyard to see who brought in the car and when it was processed. HODGINS: I'll use an endoscope to retrieve any particulates without disturbing the remains. (Brennan's cell rings. She answers and walks away) BRENNAN: Brennan. ANGELA: (to Hodgins) Hey, have you been seeing anybody? HODGINS: Listen, I don't want to be rude, but I just don't think that's any of your business. ANGELA: I haven't. HODGINS: Me, either. ANGELA: But I'm going to start. HODGINS: Right, yeah. Me, too. I mean, like, right away. ANGELA: Sweets agrees that it's time. HODGINS: Sweets? ANGELA: We shouldn't fear putting our hearts out there. HODGINS: Sweets. DAISY: That's so beautiful. CAM: And so inappropriate over a decomposing body. (Brennan walks by) BRENNAN: Booth found out who delivered the car to the junkyard for crushing. (Cut to sidewalk at night. Booth and Brennan come walking around the corner) BOOTH: Invoice was made out to B & B Enterprises. This was the sixth car that was crushed and sent back to this address. BRENNAN: Oh, so you think there might be five more bodies? BOOTH: Well, you know what? If this is mob-related, and we bring down the big boys... BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH:...we will sell the movie rights for a fortune. BRENNAN: But what if it's not the mob? BOOTH: Come on. Do the math, Bones. BRENNAN: Well, the math wouldn't indicate motive or identify a suspect. And you haven't even provided enough variables... BOOTH: It's a figure of speech, Bones, all right? (They stop in front of a building) BOOTH: Here we are. Woah, woah, woah, woah (pulls Brennan back who was walking towards stairs) What goes first? BRENNAN: Gun goes first. BOOTH: That's right. (They start walking up the stairs) BRENNAN: But if you get shot? BOOTH: Don't say things like that. You're gonna jinx me, all right? BRENNAN: Well, if you're relying on superstition for safety, perhaps I should carry the gun. BOOTH: (stopping in front of a set of glass doors) No, you are definitely not carrying a gun.(pulls out lock pick) Give me some space, all right? (leans down and begins to pick the lock) BRENNAN: Is that legal? BOOTH: Look, if anybody asks, the door was open. BRENNAN: (whispering) No, it isn't. (Booth looks at her and she realizes what he means) Ah... Right. (Booth pulls out gun and they enter) (cut to the interior of the building. More crushed cars are in the room as they enter. Movement is heard in the background. A woman comes from a room around the corner) BOOTH: Okay, what the hell are you supposed to be? BRENNAN: (pointing at the ground) Booth? BOOTH: What? (camera cuts to show a large blood stain) BRENNAN: Look at this. BOOTH: What is it? HELEN: Blood. (cut to opening credits) (Cut to: In a gallery. Camera pans over more crushed vehicles and an image of Geoffrey. FBI forensics team is working throughout the room. Brennan is looking at a video while Booth looks at a sculpture nearby) BRENNAN: The artist did a series of six sculptures over the past two years. BOOTH: (holding a pamplet) Sculptures? Whoa. These things are going for hundreds of thousands of dollars. BRENNAN: (as they begin to walk through the room) All cultures put a great value on art. BOOTH: Yeah, art. A nice bowl of fruit, uh, dogs playing poker. If I sold all the crap that was in my garage, I could retire. I'd make a fortune. (They stop by a sculpture. Helen is standing in front of them) HELEN: Geoffrey's work is a brilliant examination of consumerism and the destruction of the soul. BRENNAN: I see twisted metal. HELEN: Well, you need to look beneath the surface. BOOTH: Oh, we did, and we found a dead body, which is exactly why you're not going anywhere. (FBI tech Marcus Geier walks up) MARCUS: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yeah. MARCUS: The luminol is showing evidence of blood all over the floor. HELEN: Of course it is. BOOTH: Excuse me? HELEN: Kiko was here. BOOTH: Kiko? HELEN: Kiko, the performance artist. Pig's blood is an integral and crucial part of her work. BRENNAN: Is that even legal? BOOTH: Well, we'll decide what's pig and what isn't. Pull some samples. MARCUS: Okay. (walks away) HELEN: I've already called my lawyer. BOOTH: That's great. Tell him to meet you down at the FBI offices. HELEN:(laughing) Oh, I didn't call him for me. You see how much these works are worth. You are liable for any damages. BOOTH: (laughing) Damage? BRENNAN: They're crushed cars. BOOTH: They're wrecks. HELEN: Fortunately, your ignorance and lack of appreciation of Geoffrey's work don't affect its value. BOOTH: (to the room at large) Okay, all right, guys. Careful handling the junk. Apparently, it is art. All right? ROXIE: (walking into the room and stopping to address Booth and Brennan) Uh, perhaps I could help? I'm Roxie Lyon, Geoffrey Thorne's assistant. BRENNAN: Does the artist make a habit of encasing corpses within his sculptures? ROXIE: Excuse me? BOOTH: Well, we found one of these crushed cars and traced it back here to this address. MARCUS: (walking back over to the group) We've done the best we can without ripping one of these things apart. BOOTH: No accordion-dead bodies? MARCUS: The cadaver dogs can identify human blood. They didn't find any. ROXIE: (walking to Helen)Oh, my God. Helen? HELEN: Yes? ROXIE: Do you think Geoffrey might have actually done it? HELEN: No. That was all just depressed artist talk, Roxie. You should know that. You were a depressed artist yourself. BOOTH: (walking over with Brennan) Hello? Do you want to explain this to me? ROXIE: Uh, recently Geoffrey's been talking about finding a way to make himself part of the art. BRENNAN: Do you mean literally? HELEN: The ultimate artistic act. ROXIE: Geoffrey was depressed, and he said he felt like he'd reached his limit as an artist. BOOTH: We'd like to show you a picture of the remains, only if you're up for it. BRENNAN: I suggest you don't look at the person, but rather this distinct ring. HELEN: That's Geoffrey. ROXIE: I know that ring. I designed it myself. It's Geoffrey. HELEN: (looking up and speaking as if to herself) Bravo, Geoffrey. BRENNAN: You are an extremely unlikable woman. BOOTH: Mr. Thorne have any enemies? HELEN: Why? It's obvious he did this himself. BRENNAN: To you, perhaps, but we actually require evidence. ROXIE: Anton DeLuca. (Booth looks at her meaningfully) ROXIE: He's an artist and a rival of Geoffrey's. They had a pretty big argument here the other night. BOOTH: About what? HELEN: What all artists argue about-- money. (Cut to the Medico-Legal forensics lab. Cam is working at a desk, Hodgins walks in carrying a large piece of machinery) HODGINS: You know what this is? CAM: Jaws of Life. HODGINS: 23,000 pounds per square inch of raw prying power. CAM: You really want to be the one to use that, don't you? HODGINS: It's not displaced sexual frustration. CAM: Of course not. (turns to look at Hodgins) HODGINS: I am totally cool if Angela wants to date already, or, I mean, again. CAM: pointing to the other room) Right. You do know the point is to remove the human remains from inside the car with minimal disruption of the evidence? (Hodgins puts the Jaws of Life on a table) CAM: (turning back to her computer) Though, these tox results are suggesting suicide. HODGINS: (walking over to her desk) You got these from the tissue samples? CAM: Mostly skin, some brain matter. (camera shows computer screen with data on each drug listed) CAM: Clonazepam, lamotrigine, quetiapine, venlafaxine, (turns to look at Hodgins) hydrocodone, oxycodone and codeine. HODGINS: Wow. Anti-anxiety drugs, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, antidepressants and painkillers. CAM: He was under psychiatric care. Even spent a week in the psych ward last March. HODGINS: So, our victim could very well have been dead from an overdose before he was crushed. CAM: Can't tell for sure. Long-time abusers build up a tolerance, so, this could have been a typical Wednesday night for the guy. HODGINS: Best way to find out is to crack her open, baby. (picks up Jaws of Life. Cam looks at him with a questioning look) HODGINS: I didn't mean "baby." CAM: Carefully, Dr. Hodgins. Like removing a baby bird from an egg. (cut to the floor in front of the forensics platform. Hodgins puts on safety glasses) HODGINS: Stand back, ladies. This is about to get medieval. (Angela smiles as Daisey looks uncomfortable. Caroline walks in as Hodgins is about to begin work. She is followed by Helen, Roxie, and a man, most likely the lawyer.) CAROLINE: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Sorry, cheri. Apparently, this is an historic piece of art. HODGINS: It's a hard car shell with a gooey corpse filling. DAISY: I've already collected textile, tissue and bone samples. CAROLINE: That was before I got here. (begins walking around the sculpture) CAROLINE: Here on in, this is an historic piece of art. These fine people persuaded a judge of that and got a temporary injunction. HODGINS: Oh, this sucks. ANGELA: Roxie? ROXIE: Angie? ANGELA: Roxie! (the two walk to each other and hug. Cam walks past and over to Hodgins and Caroline) ANGELA: My God... ROXIE: Hi! What are you doing here? CAM: What's going on? HODGINS: Those two are old friends from college-- if that's the same Roxie. (Angela and Roxie walk off) DAISY: Luckily, I took initiative and got those samples before the injunction. CAM: Injunction? HODGINS: This heap is considered art. CAM: Well, it's... gorgeous. Where does this leave our investigation? CAROLINE: You can still examine it. You just can't disrupt it in any way. Don't worry. This is only temporary. We'll see how artistic people are feeling when it starts stinking. Just don't scratch it. CAM: Don't scratch the crushed automobile, which encases a rotting, dead body? CAROLINE: Good! We understand each other. (loud noise as Hodgins puts the Jaws of Life back on the table) (cut to a warehouse that's being used as an artists studio. Anton Deluca is working on a sculpture) ANTON: Geoffrey Thorne dead? This is a... great day for the art world. (Booth and Brennan turn to follow him as he works throughout the scene) BOOTH: Yeah, well, last time you were seen together, you were arguing. ANTON: Well, we never saw each other without arguing, so... BRENNAN: You disliked Geoffrey Thorne? ANTON: Well, let's just say between his work and his guts... I don't know which I hated more. BOOTH: Yeah, well, artistically speaking, crushing him up in his own work, that would be very, uh, symbolic. ANTON: Is that what happened? (launging) Oh, that, that's hilarious. He crushed himself inside one of his stupid car sculptures? An exhibitionist right to the bitter end. ANTON: How Po-Mo. BOOTH: Po-Mo? BRENNAN: Uh, Post Modern. ANTON: Let me tell you, Geoffrey's hermetic aestheticism was choked with tawdry pastiche. He had plastic intentions and weak enterprise. BOOTH: All right, someone I understand less than you. BRENNAN: This is asymmetrical and yet still pleasing to the eye. BOOTH: Okay, I take that back. Why don't you just say it's... pretty? ANTON: I don't do pretty. BOOTH: Okay. Simmer down there, Picasso. You get a compliment, you be polite. ANTON: I don't do polite either. BRENNAN: Maybe that's why you're broke. ANTON: Who gave you my name? Was it that Kabuki ghoul, Helen Bridenbecker? BRENNAN: Shouldn't you be trying harder to look innocent? BOOTH: Yeah. How long have you and Thorne hated each other? ANTON: You can write down, since before the big bang. BRENNAN: Oh, no. There was no "before" before the big bang, because time didn't exist. If there are no organizing properties... BOOTH: Bones, I'm just going to write down, it's been a while. All right? So, why were you arguing at the gallery? BRENNAN: We heard it was about money. ANTON: Well, I might have said he was a sell-out. Usually do. But I didn't think to kill him. Now it's too late, right? BOOTH: Well, if you didn't kill him, then, uh, who did? ANTON: I'd look at his girlfriend if I were you. (Brennan and Booth confused) BRENNAN: No one has mentioned a girlfriend. ANTON: Roxie. His "assistant." He said he was gonna leave all his money to her. I mean, this is kind of basic stuff you guys should know, right? (cut to the sculpture in the medico-legal lab. Daisy is standing behind Cam, who is inserting a scope into the sculpture) DAISY: Did you have like buckets of coffee this morning? You're very shaky. CAM: Could you take a step back, please? (Cam begins using the scope as Daisy watches the video feed) DAISY: A little more. Just a little more. Like tip-toeing mice. CAM: Oh, rats. DAISY: Do you want me to try? Let me try. I'm very dexterous. (Brennan walks over looking around the room. Cam sighs and hands Daisy the scope) DAISY: Oh, you won't be sorry. (Brennan empties the bucket over the sculpture. Beetles crawl through the sculpture.) BRENNAN: I was going to say that I had an accident over here, but I don't like lying. CAM: You dumped a bucket full of domestic beetles onto this work of art. They'll strip the flesh off our victim in no time. BRENNAN: Within 30 hours. Am I fired? CAM: Au contraire Remind me of this moment around Christmas bonus time. DAISY: I'm in! BRENNAN: Uh, good work, Ms. Wick. (Brennan and Cam walk over to where Daisy is working) DAISY: Well, we could've been here hours ago if Dr. Saroyan would have given me the endoscope sooner. CAM: Thanks for mentioning that. DAISY: There's too much flesh to really get an idea of the bone damage. BRENNAN: 30 hours. (walks away) (cut to an interrogation room. Booth is inteviewing Roxie as Sweets observes and talks to Booth through an earpiece) ROXIE: I was Geoffrey Thorne's assistant for almost four years. SWEETS: Okay, I suggest you start with the mundane, and then work yourself up to the sexual stuff. BOOTH: So did you have a sexual relationship with your boss? SWEETS: Okay, that's the total opposite of my suggestion. ROXIE: No. No. BOOTH: So what was the nature of your relationship? ROXIE: I assisted Geoffrey. I handled the details of his day-to-day life. Are you sure it's Geoffrey? SWEETS: Prevaricate, keep her guessing. BOOTH: Yes, we're positive. SWEETS: (sighs) Why am I here? BOOTH: As his personal assistant did you get him his drugs? ROXIE: If you mean his prescriptions, then... yes, I picked them up for him and I reminded him to take them. SWEETS: Ask her if Thorne was clinically depressed. BOOTH: He was depressed, right? ROXIE: Yes. He was... suicidal. Seeing a shrink. BOOTH: (looking towards the one-way mirror) That's why you're here. ROXIE: Because you think Geoffrey took an overdose? BOOTH: If he killed himself, I mean, wouldn't he have left a suicide note? ROXIE: Yeah, I would think that he would have... left me a message. BOOTH: (flipping through papers) Look, if you weren't sleeping with Thorne, then why did he name you the sole beneficiary of his estate? ROXIE: Geoffrey's will? BOOTH: Yeah, it's... about one million dollars. Look at that. (Booth puts a page in front of her) ROXIE: I had no idea that he was going to do that. SWEETS: Perhaps jealousy is her motive for killing Thorne. Why else would she deny sleeping with him? BOOTH: I don't think so. ROXIE: I swear. BOOTH: No, there was another reason why you weren't sleeping with Thorne.mIsn't that right, Roxie? ROXIE: Angela told you, didn't she? SWEETS: Told us what? BOOTH: Why don't you tell me. ROXIE: I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. I've never been with a man in my life and I never will. SWEETS: oh, that changes everything. (the medico-legal lab. Booth, Brennan and Angela are walking down the stairs to the main floor) BRENNAN: So, according to his will, Roxie stands to inherit Thorne's entire estate. ANGELA: She said they were close. BOOTH: Well, people usually leave money like that to a wife or a lover. ANGELA: I don't think so. (they continue walking through a hallway) BOOTH: Because? ANGELA: Because Roxie's an old friend and she'd have told me. BRENNAN: Well, she says she's a lesbian. BOOTH: Delicacy, Bones. BRENNAN: What? It's not an affliction, Booth. ANGELA: Yes, Roxie is gay. At least she was when we were together. BOOTH: In school? ANGELA: Yes. BOOTH: Oh, you heard rumors. ANGELA: No, I have firsthand knowledge. BOOTH: Oh, you walked in on her, that's awkward. ANGELA: (stopping in front of a station and turning to address Booth) No, we were together, for over a year. BOOTH: Wow. You and, uh, Roxie? BRENNAN: You have a problem with that? BOOTH: No. I was just processing the information there, that's all, and in doing so, I was envisioning you and her, you know, together, and, well, not to... well, together, but... Really? BRENNAN: Women tend not to be as rigid in their sexual identities as men. BOOTH: Weren't we talking about murder, here? BRENNAN: Did she ever show any interest in men? ANGELA: No. And she would never kill anybody. BRENNAN: You haven't been close in a long time. ANGELA: She hasn't changed. BRENNAN: Except that now she's rich. BOOTH: Yeah, and before Thorne was killed, she wasn't rich. ANGELA: Roxie never cared about money. (looking at Brennan) I thought that you didn't speculate. BRENNAN: That doesn't preclude pursuing a logical line of inquiry. ANGELA: We still don't even know that it was murder. Thorne wrote about the need to become one with his work. He was ill. The logical signs point to suicide, don't they? BOOTH: You're right. Ange, we're sorry. We didn't mean to upset you. ANGELA: (sighs) I have work to do. Okay? (walks off) (cut to the main floor of the medico-legal lab. Daisy is examining the skull within the sculpture using a scope) DAISY: Here's the C2 axis. A little further, the C1 atlas. We're almost to the cranium. CAM: (standing behind Daisy) Nice. Now maybe you'll be able to rescue the princess. DAISY: (laughing) That's funny. Everyone here is so nice. You know, I think I may have initially come off as a bit too needy. My family was pretty dysfunctional, so... I tend to want a work environment to fulfill certain needs. CAM: (cutting Daisy off) Perhaps some therapy might help. DAISY: What a thoughtful suggestion. I always wanted a sister. CAM: (turning to look off camera) Dr. Brennan, Ms. Wick and I were just observing the handiwork of your beetles. (Brennan walks over) DAISY: They did a beautiful job of cleaning the bones, but half of the remains are still obscured by the metal. BRENNAN: The victim's right iliac crest shows a simple fracture. DAISY: I also found microfractures, extending from his right ribs, five through ten, down his right greater trochanter. BRENNAN: Very good. DAISY: Really? And they were really small. BRENNAN: Microfractures are by definition small. (Cam rolls her eyes) BRENNAN: What does this damage indicate? DAISY: A test. Okay... The damage is inconclusive. Um, the fractures could easily be explained by the crushing of the car, but some could be the result of an attack or a fall. BRENNAN: I agree. DAISY: (whispering to Cam) She agrees. (Cam smiles and nods. Hodgins walks down the stairs from the forensic platform) HODGINS: The victim's clothing shows traces of calcium oxide, ferric oxide and magnesium oxide. (he walks over to a computer station. Cam, Brennan, and Daisy follow) It wasn't found on the car seats or the carpet, just pressed into the fabric of his shirt, front and back. CAM: From what? HODGINS: It could be from stone if he was sculpting. It could be he was lying on gravel or about a hundred other things. We can't say without getting further access to the interior of the car. CAROLINE: (walking over to the group) Which access you were expressly denied by a federal judge, a federal judge who turned red and then blue and then some other color I have never seen before when he heard that flesh-eating beetles had somehow infested said work of art. BRENNAN: Domestic beetles were not specifically forbidden on the injunction. CAROLINE: I don't suppose "spirit of the law" means anything to you? (the four shrug and shake their heads) That little Kabuki lady started screaming like you peed on the Mona Lisa, that you compromised the integrity of the piece. That little stunt turned good opinion from the judge against us. CAM: How long have we got? CAROLINE: Two days to find evidence of foul play. HODGINS: And after that? CAROLINE: The question goes to the court and we grow old and die before a decision is made. And if there is a murder, that murderer walks around free. Ideas? DAISY: I will think about it until my head explodes. CAROLINE: This one's a keeper. (cut to Angela and Roxie in an art studio. They wander about as Angela looks at various paintings) ROXIE: Geoffrey let me use part of his studio. ANGELA: Roxie, these are wonderful. ROXIE: Thanks, Angie. ANGELA: What does Helen say? ROXIE: We're talking about an exhibition. ANGELA: That's great. When was your last show? ROXIE: Eight years ago, when we were together. (they laugh) ROXIE: I don't know, is it too sappy to say that you were my muse, or perhaps my entire source of self-confidence as an artist? (Angela turns to look at her and then goes back to looking at a painting) ROXIE: Your people think I killed Geoffrey. ANGELA: I can't talk to you about an ongoing murder investigation. ROXIE: If you can't prove it was a suicide, I'm going to spend the rest of my life being Geoffrey Thorne's murderer. ANGELA: That could jack up the price of your work, right? Sorry. Roxie... (Angela pulls out a painting of herself) ROXIE: Yeah, that's actually the first piece that caught Helen's eye. She wanted to buy it from me for herself. ANGELA: Why didn't you sell this? ROXIE: Some things aren't for sale. (they playfully brush their shoulders for a moment) ANGELA: I remember sitting for this. ROXIE: Happiest time of my life. ANGELA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I have to go. ROXIE: Why? (Angela grabs her purse) ANGELA: I know how to prove that Geoffrey Thorne committed suicide. [SCENE_BREAK] (cut to the floor of the medico-legal lab. Angela, Daisy, and CAM are standing in front of a giant machine that is set up over the sculpture) ANGELA: This type of device can be used to scan boxcars, shipping containers, anything metal where items can be hidden. DAISY: Amazing it is, this machine you have. (Cam and Angela look at her) DAISY: Star Wars? CAM: Youth doesn't excuse everything, Ms. Wick. So, you're feeding the scans into the Angelator? ANGELA: Every crease and fold, yeah. DAISY: We have less than 40 hours, you know. CAM: We're well aware of the time, we don't need a countdown. ANGELA: Then, I'll recalibrate and get a digital rendering of the bones inside, which I can enhance. DAISY: You've found out how to show what bone damage came from the actual crushing of the car. ANGELA: Factoring in the pounds per square inch of force exerted by the car crusher. DAISY: Oh, I hope you've included the car's frame and the tensile strength of the victim's skeletal structure. ANGELA: I'll make a note. CAM: Well, I programmed my phone to get the five-day forecast. (cut to the Angelator. Angela is showing Booth and Brennan her simulation of the crushed car) ANGELA: Okay, take a look at this. Here we have our car, right? It had a low-carbon steel frame with a yield strength of 22,450 psi. So, since I know the hydraulic crusher imparts 163 tons of force, first horizontally, then in a 32-degree curling motion, I was able to verify the source of every single ripple on the surface of the crushed car, which then gave me the data to play the crushing backwards. BOOTH: How did you do that? ANGELA: Daisy provided me with the approximate tensile strength of each of Geoffrey's bones, plugged in the bone fragments' final positions, and based on those, correlated each injury as the body was moved through the car as it was crushed. BOOTH: God, I really hope that guy didn't know what was happening to him. ANGELA: His bones sustained 88 fractures, all of which can be explained by the crushing in the car. BOOTH: Suicide. ANGELA: Most likely, yeah. (a buzzer is heard) BOOTH: What's that? ANGELA: Um... this run included the last of the data. (she looks disappointed) Oh, no. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: There's an 89th fracture. (a cut in the skull is highlighted) BRENNAN: The fracture there on his occipital... it was not caused by the car being crushed. BOOTH: What caused it? BRENNAN: I need to examine the skull. ANGELA: It wasn't supposed to be this way. I wanted to prove it wasn't murder. BRENNAN: But it is. The 89th fracture proves that Geoffrey Thorn was murdered. (An office break room. Caroline is pouring a cup of coffee and talking on her cell phone) CAROLINE: Okay, I got the injunction removed. You are free to crack open the car and remove the remains. (Booth and BRENNAN are in Booth's SUV. Booth is driving and has his cell on speaker phone) BOOTH: Thanks, Caroline, you are da bomb. BRENNAN: Why is she a bomb? BOOTH: No, da bomb. BRENNAN: Wait, what changed? It was a million dollar piece of art yesterday, and today, it's a piece of junk. CAROLINE: Cherie, you proved murder. That changed it from a work of art into a crime scene. BRENNAN: This is crazy, I don't understand. And I'm not used to not understanding things. BOOTH: Legally speaking, all that matters is that it's a crime scene. Isn't that right, Caroline? CAROLINE: That's right. Get in there and solve the murder, just like always. BRENNAN: That I understand. BOOTH: Thanks. (cut to the Medico-Legal lab floor. Hodgins prepares to cut into the sculpture with the Jaws-of-Life while Cam, Daisy, and Brennan observe) HODGINS: Stand back. I am going in. (he peels back enough of the car to reveal the skull. He pulls out other parts of the car) BRENNAN: Careful. Okay. Now, what we want to do here is remove the skull very carefully. (Daisy goes to pull out the skull) BRENNAN: Carefully. (Daisy puts too much pressure on the skull and it shatters in her hands. They all stare in horror) CAM: I can't believe you did that. HODGINS: Bummer. DAISY: Usually, when you say "we", you mean me. I'm so sorry. I'll put it together. I will stay up all night. BRENNAN: (looking very angry) I'll do it. DAISY: Well, I will assist you every step of the way. I will not leave your side. BRENNAN: I would prefer to do it alone. (cut to the interior of Booth's vehicle. He and Angela are driving) ANGELA: Am I under arrest? BOOTH: Nope. You're one of the good guys, all right? Look up Anton DeLuca on the FBI database. ANGELA: That's Geoffrey Thorne's big rival, huh? (she pulls up a list of information) He's a forger? BOOTH: You got to be kidding me. Under the alias of Lucas Danton? I mean, this guy really loves himself. ANGELA: Yeah, two years in prison. Forging Francis Bacon, Lucien Freud. Must be pretty good. BOOTH: All right, so I got a dead artist and a forger who hates him. That's got to cheer you up. I mean, your friend is no longer our prime suspect. ANGELA: Thanks, Booth. BOOTH: Ah-ha, Any time. ANGELA: So, does it freak you out? BOOTH: What? ANGELA: You know, that Roxie and I were a couple. BOOTH: No. I mean, come on, you had feelings for somebody. ANGELA: I'm surprised. BOOTH: Why, because you think I'm some kind of lunkhead cop? ANGELA: No, I just... BOOTH: All right. Uh... look, my Aunt Ruth had a roommate, okay? She was my favorite aunt. She and Franny, they'd take me to the ballpark, to the movies. And I heard talk when I was a kid. Beat up my friend, Pete, because of it. Then, I found out it was true. ANGELA: And...? BOOTH: I already said she was my favorite aunt. And Franny... well, you know, she had box seats for the Phillies games. I mean, come on, it doesn't get any better than that, right? ANGELA: Right. BOOTH: So, you and Roxie... hey. You know what I mean? ANGELA: Yeah. So, you brought me along. What can I do to help you? BOOTH: I want you to be an artist, okay, and, uh, keep me from looking like an idiot. ANGELA: I'm not positive I can do both. (they exchange grins) (cut to Anton DeLuca's studio. Booth is leaning on a pole while Anton sits at a table) BOOTH: So, we subpoenaed your bank records, and you're not exactly a starving artist. Where did you get the money? ANGELA: (looking at some paintings) Hey, Booth. BOOTH: Yeah? ANGELA: The brush strokes on this painting match the brush strokes on Thorne's car sculptures. BOOTH: Hmm, so you were forging Thorne's work. That's why you two were arguing. ANGELA: I didn't say these brush strokes are like the ones on the car sculptures. I'm saying that they are the same brush strokes. ANTON: You have a good eye. ANGELA: Brush strokes are like fingerprints. You can't fake them. DeLuca here is the guy who painted Geoffrey Thorne's car sculptures. (Booth turns to Angela slightly confused) BOOTH: You're positive? ANGELA: I'm positive. BOOTH: Okay, I can roll with this. (turns back to Anton) You want recognition for your brilliant work. Thorne says no, (raps the table for emphasis) you kill him. ANGELA: Oh, so good--cuff him. BOOTH: Right. ANTON: What, so Roxie can walk? BOOTH: Hey, watch it. ANTON: A) That work is anything but brilliant. Painting Thorne's cars was like a day job to subsidize my real art, and B... why would I kill my main source of income, you lummox? BOOTH: Yeah, a lummox who's got enough to hold you for 24 hours, pal. (cuffs Anton) ANTON: (to Angela) When this case falls apart and I get out tomorrow, you want to grab some dinner or something? ANGELA: (laughing) You're kidding. ANTON: Well, I hear the gate swings both ways. Maybe we can get a little threesome action. ANTON: You, me, hot Roxie? BOOTH: Hey! (slams Anton's head down on the table) Okay, all right. If you're gonna hit on Angela, you should do it with a little respect. Okay, let's go. (walks him out of the studio) (cut to a room in the Medico-Legal lab. Brennan is working on the skull at a table. Angela walks in) ANGELA: Is that Geoffrey Thorne? BRENNAN: Yes. (sighs) Nearly done. ANGELA: I honestly didn't think it would be murder. BRENNAN: Which makes your conclusions all the more credible. ANGELA: Only you would find that comforting. Booth is questioning DeLuca again. He seems to have a motive. BRENNAN: So, there's still a chance that your friend is not a murderer. ANGELA: Yeah. BRENNAN: We'll know more when we identify the murder weapon. ANGELA: It wasn't Roxie. BRENNAN: Do you still have feelings for her? ANGELA: No. BRENNAN: Booth tells me that sometimes people say the exact opposite of what they mean. ANGELA: I do still have feelings for her. BRENNAN: Are you saying the opposite of what you mean now or before? ANGELA: (sighs) We had a very intense relationship in college, and she fell in love with me-- way in love with me. When I broke it off, she was really hurt. BRENNAN: That happens with you. Look at Hodgins. ANGELA: This was worse than Hodgins. This was, "I'm gonna run away to Europe and stop being an artist" hurt. BRENNAN: Oh ANGELA: I don't really think that I have the right to open up that can of worms again just because some feelings are rising to the surface. BRENNAN: It's too bad there isn't a way to experiment with sexuality. ANGELA: That's how I got into this whole mess in the first place. BRENNAN: Well, I meant... ANGELA: I know what you meant. I'm just... BRENNAN: On the bright side, if she did kill Geoffrey Thorne, you won't have to think about any of that. ANGELA: Thanks, Brennan. How long is it gonna take you to identify the weapon? BRENNAN: I can do it right now. I've seen this injury many times. I'm almost certain that the death blow came from a common fire ax. (a room in the Medico-Legal lab. Cam is working as Hodgins walks in) HODGINS: There's also limestone and silicon oxide on his clothes. (he goes to a computer and keys something in. Cam comes over to look) HODGINS: Mix them all together, and poof, we've got a match with the concrete floor at the gallery. CAM: Well, it turns out that not all the blood on the floor of the gallery came from that performance with the pig. (she shows Hodgins a large screen at which she has been working) This is human. HODGINS: Is any of it Thorne's? CAM: Someone worked very hard to clean it up. It's making things difficult. (cut to Helen's gallery. She and Booth are standing by one of the sculptures as FBI techs work in the room) HELEN: First you destroyed Geoffrey's finest work, and now you are destroying my business. BOOTH: Yeah, well, you know what else got destroyed? Geoffrey Thorne. HELEN: My grief and my business are two separate things, Agent Booth. FBI TECH: Sir, look at this. HELEN: Is that my fire ax? BOOTH: Yes. BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: Cam said there was human blood mixed in with the pig's. (Booth walks over to where Brennan is standing by another sculpture) MARCUS: (walking around Brennan looking at the floor) I think we found it. There are definite blood stains here, but they're underneath a layer of what we think is turpentine. BRENNAN: Could I borrow your lighter? BOOTH: Why do you want my lighter? BRENNAN: Just... BOOTH: (handing the lighter to Brennan and turning to Marcus) Sure, here. Okay, so what do we know about that? MARCUS: Not much. I doubt we'll be able to identify the bleeder. (Brennan uses the lighter to start a fire on the floor) BOOTH AND MARCUS: Woah! (Booth jumps to get out of the way of the flames) BOOTH: Sheesh! Hey Bones, you know, you almost lit my butt on fire BRENNAN: (standing) Well notice that the flames leapt from the center room towards the loading dock. BOOTH: Wait. So, you're saying that Thorne was killed here and then dragged there. MARCUS: Can we get the UV lights over here, please? BRENNAN: (using a UV light) Not dragged, Booth. Rolled. BOOTH: I got to tell you, that was a great trick there, Bones. MARCUS: Yeah, remove the turpentine, reveal the blood soaked into the concrete. BRENNAN: The blood stains show up approximately every 35 centimeters. BOOTH: That would explain why Hodgins found the cement particles on the front and the back of the clothing. MARCUS: Yeah, but why rolled instead of dragged? BOOTH: Thorne was a big guy. Okay, whoever killed him could not pick him up and carry him to the loading dock and put him in the car. They had to roll him. (mimes rolling as he walks) You understand? Roll. BOOTH: (pointing to Helen) Excuse me, tiny little woman. HELEN: (walking over) Yes. BOOTH: Can you account for your whereabouts the night that Geoffrey Thorne was killed? HELEN: Yes, I was at home. I was reading. That was a lie. I was watching The Real Housewives of Orange County. I find it a brilliant postmodern performance piece. BRENNAN: So, no alibi. HELEN: Geoffrey's work was selling. I was making money. Why would I kill the golden goose? I wasn't going to inherit anything. Not like Roxie. BRENNAN: It all seems to come back to Roxie. BOOTH: Angela is not going to like that. (cut to a table at the bar from earlier in the episode. Sweets and Angela are eating.) SWEETS: It's exactly the same situation as the last time we were sitting here. Except, you know, you're quieter. ANGELA: No, that was about Hodgins. This is about Roxie. SWEETS: (loudly in shock) You want to have s*x with Roxie. (a man at the bar turns to look at them) ANGELA: What was that about quieter? SWEETS: I'm sorry, I'm not certain that you're being guided by your brain, that's all. Need can be confused with love. Fantasy can convince us that what we are feeling is love. ANGELA: So, you're saying that this is all rebound? SWEETS: (taking a sip of his drink) Yeah. ANGELA: No. You don't understand love, Sweets. SWEETS: I'm not as innocent as you might think. ANGELA: You have this bourgeois notion... SWEETS: (laughing) Bourgeois? ANGELA: ...that in order for love to be real it has to be permanent. Nothing is permanent. That's just a fact. We move in and out of loving other people, but that doesn't make the love any less real. SWEETS: Mm-hmm, perhaps you're saying this because you've never met the love of your life. ANGELA: (nodding) I have, actually. Many times. Fine. SWEETS: It seems to me that you always leave yourself an escape hatch in your relationships. Because you're afraid of commitment. ANGELA: Nice try. But no. Actually, I commit to every person I love. SWEETS: You marry a man and then conveniently forget that you married him because you got zonked on Kava Kava. That compromises your relationship with Hodgins so that ends, along with the marriage. Now you say you have these intense feelings. . . (Angela begins to look more and more serious) SWEETS: . . . for an ex-lover whose heart you've already broken. Don't you see the potential disaster here? ANGELA: Look, you said that, without the possibility of pain, there can be no joy, no real love. SWEETS: I said that? (Angela sighs) SWEETS: That's beautiful. ANGELA: Look... I don't want to hurt Roxie again. SWEETS: Then don't. Don't. Put her welfare first. Let Roxie decide if she's ready to pursue this relationship. ANGELA: Okay. And what if she doesn't? SWEETS: Then I'm afraid you'll have to live with that pain. (cut to the medico-legal lab. Hodgins is using a mass spectrometer as Daisy watches) DAISY: I used a mass spectrometer during my summer internship at Johns Hopkins. I even taught my friend how to use it. HODGINS: Excellent. Next you should learn the concept of personal space. (Cam walks up as Hodgins tries to get past Daisy to the computer) CAM: What'd you get off the ax? HODGINS: It was wiped clean with turpentine, no signs of blood. (he holds out a folder) DAISY: And he also checked the handle. HODGINS: Sodium chloride and odorants. DAISY: Sweat. Most likely human. CAM: What was the eccrine pH? HODGINS: Seven. DAISY: It was a woman. What you should have him do next is match the DNA from the sweat to Angela's lesbian lover-- see if there's a match. HODGINS: Do you ever listen to yourself? CAM: Yeah, but it's a good idea, Hodgins. You might want to prepare Angela. (Sweets' office. Cam is sitting on the couch as Sweets walks in) SWEETS: Doctor Saroyan? CAM: Thank you so much for seeing me. SWEETS: I didn't agree to see you. How come none of you people ever book an appointment? Frankly, it's annoying. CAM: (pointing vigorously) Ah. Annoying. That's exactly why I'm here. I... (Sweets sits) CAM: I've done an unofficial, confidential survey of my people and... SWEETS: And they find me annoying? No, it's worse. They hate me. You know why, don't you? It's because Dr. Brennan undervalues psychology and all of you have picked up her vibe. Now, I know that sounds paranoid... CAM: And the word "vibe" is a little dated. SWEETS: But it's true. CAM: I'm not here about you being annoying. It's Daisy Wick. SWEETS: Daisy? CAM: Yes, she's very smart, very able, and she has a knack for turning reasonable people into flaming gas balls of fury. SWEETS: You want me to talk to her? CAM: No, no. I need your advice on how to tell Daisy we can't have her at the lab anymore. I'm very comfortable with incompetence, but when it's just a matter of personality... SWEETS: I'll do it. CAM: What? Really? SWEETS: Yeah, I'll talk to her. CAM: Well, as the boss, it's kind of my job to fire people. SWEETS: And as a boss, you know that sometimes it's better to delegate. I'll do it. Let's just hope she doesn't turn me into a flaming gas ball of fury. CAM: Well, I'm no psychologist, but I think you should be flattered that we all drop in on you and ask your advice. (she walks out) SWEETS: Thank you. (cut to the medico-legal lab. Brennan walks up to Hodgins who is working at a station. Cam is also present) BRENNAN: Okay, I'm ready for you to blow up my mind. HODGINS: Okay, now first off, I almost missed this so, don't praise me too much. CAM: The point is, you didn't miss it. HODGINS: Yeah, but only because Angela asked for a personal favor. And I am powerless to resist. (He puts a slide under a microscope. He then walks past a set of tables pointing out objects) Okay, now, this is the victim's clothing. And this is the ax handle of the "presumed" murder weapon. As you know, there were traces of sweat on both of them. But not the victim's sweat. BRENNAN: Female sweat, yes. CAM: Presumably the murderer sweat on the ax handle then perspired while rolling the victim's body to the car. HODGINS: Yes, now, upon further analysis, I discovered other traces in the sweat. BRENNAN: Imatinib mesylate, hydroxyurea, busulfan. Do you have any idea where these chemicals might have come from? CAM: Medicines. Treatments for cancer. HODGINS: I looked them up. This is treatment for chronic myelogenous leukemia. CAM: Then Roxie is not our murderer. BRENNAN: You can't necessarily tell if someone has leukemia from looking at them. CAM: No, but this drug here, busulfan, it causes highly visible skin discoloration. BRENNAN: Oh, then that is very good for Angela. Not that we are swayed by those considerations. (she smiles and walks off) CAM: What's that look? HODGINS: She knows who did it. (cut to an interrogation room. Helen is on one side of the table with Booth and Brennan facing her) HELEN: I had no reason to kill Geoffrey. BOOTH: Oh, you own several of his art pieces. We all know that art increases in value when an artist dies. HELEN: Anyone could see that Geoffrey Thorne wasn't long for this world. I'm a very patient woman. BRENNAN: Except you're dying, Ms. Bridenbecker. HELEN: Nonsense. BRENNAN: Would you please remove your makeup? HELEN: I will not. I want a lawyer. BOOTH: Really? (picks up some papers and begins looking at them) Because, you know, the phone records-- they indicate that you contacted a cancer clinic in Mexico City. And we do know that that clinic costs a small fortune. BRENNAN: If it's any consolation, it wouldn't have worked. Their "treatment"-- it's not legitimate. HELEN: (on the verge of tears) You don't know that. BRENNAN: I'm afraid I do. Places like that are set up to prey on the hopes of people like you. HELEN: Geoffrey was going to die anyway. (begins wiping off her makeup) Anyone could see that. I did him a favor. I gave him his start. Geoffrey would much rather have been remembered as a fully committed artist than as a common murder victim. BOOTH: Really? Maybe he preferred to live. HELEN: Well... well, so would I. I guess none of us get what we want. (cut to the gallery. Roxie is watching the video of Geoffrey Thorn as Angela walks in) ANGELA: Hey, Roxie. ROXIE: Now what do I do? ANGELA: Well, you have money, and you have a studio. I think what you should do is your own art, full time. ROXIE: That's not what I mean. Did you ever, even for a second, think that it was me? ANGELA: No. Not for a second. ROXIE: Why? ANGELA: Because we... we really knew each other once and I don't think that... you've changed much since then. ROXIE: Have you changed? ANGELA: Uh, I don't, I don't know, Roxie. Um... maybe I have. But I'm not, I'm-- I haven't changed... (Roxie kisses her and Angela kisses back) (cut to the Medico-Legal lab. Cam and Hodgins are on the balcony watching Daisy on the forensics platform) CAM: How do you think he's going to do it? HODGINS: He'll convince her that it's best for her to move to another job. (Booth walks over with Brennan) BOOTH: What's going on? HODGINS: Sweets is firing Daisy for us. CAM: We're wondering what his method will be. BRENNAN: He'll explain to her logically (Sweets walks up the platform stairs) that this environment is not conducive for either her or us and, as a scientist, she'll realize that he's right. BOOTH: No, Sweets is a lot sneakier than that. He'll use some kind of psychological Jedi mind trick to make her think it was her idea to quit. SWEETS: (walking over to Daisy) I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first? DAISY: The bad first. SWEETS: You're toast here. Nobody wants to work with you. DAISY: Why? SWEETS: You know why, Daisy. There are some things that you have to work on when it comes to interpersonal relations. DAISY: Does anybody like me? SWEETS: No, I'm afraid not. DAISY: What's the good news? SWEETS: There's absolutely no reason for us to be discreet about our relationship anymore. DAISY: Really? SWEETS: Yeah, why'd you ask me that? DAISY: Because I thought we were being discreet because you're a little bit ashamed of me. (Sweets looks up at the balcony and then kisses Daisy. They make out for a moment.) HODGINS: I'm totally shocked. BRENNAN: Yeah. They should not be doing that on the forensic platform. CAM: That's a method of termination I've never tried. But bravo, Dr. Sweets. (Cam and Hodgins walk off) BOOTH: They'll never work. They're like complete opposites. BRENNAN: I agree. For all her faults, she's a woman of science, Sweets bases his life on the vagaries of psychology and emotion. (Booth scoffs) BRENNAN: You know, there's no common ground. BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: You need common ground. What else is there? BOOTH: Absolutely. (Daisy and Sweets walk off together)
doc_47
Scene 1: FoS - Sookie, Gabe, Godric, Eric, Jason, Sarah, Steve, Brent, Kyle Sookie, Gabe, Godric and Hugo are in the basement. Sookie is rebuttoning her dress while Godric is taking care of Gabe. Gabe: Godric, it's me! Godric kills the man. Godric [To Sookie]: You should not have come. They both hear screams. Sookie: Bill! Godric: No.[Closing his eyes] I'm here my child. Down here. Eric appears. Eric: Godric. He kneels down. Godric: You were a fool for sending humans after me. Eric: I had no other choice. These savages they... they seek to destroy you. Godric: I'm aware of what they've planned. [Pointing Hugo] This one betrayed you. Sookie: He's with the fellowship. They set a trap for us. Eric: How long has it been since you've fed? Godric: I require very little blood anymore. The alarms start. Godric: Save the human. [To Sookie] Go with him. Eric: I'm not leaving your side until you are... Godric: I can take care of myself. Sookie: Come on! We have to go. Godric: Spill no blood on the way out. Go! Eric and Sookie leave the room. Credits Jason is lying on the ground and notices the red stain on his chest. Jason: I'm alive. He stares at Sarah. Jason: Holy sh1t. God saved me. I'm safe. Sarah Newlin: Oh for Heaven's sake grow a brain cell! [Showing the gun] Paintballs! Jason: What... You crazy bitch! Sarah Newlin: I let you into my house, into my bed and into my heart. All I stood for, all I believed in, I violated to be with you! Jason: Okay. Sarah Newlin: I gave you everything for a lie. You're worse than Judas. Jason: Why, what did he do to you? Sarah Newlin: Ugh. f*ck you! [shoots him again, in the groin] Jason: OOHH OHHH SWEET JESUS. OK, I'm sorry OK? Just, tell me what you want me to say, don't shoot me again... Sarah Newlin: You came to prey on me; to ruin the sacred vow I made to my husband then like a coward you ran! Jason: No, I didn't... Okay, I ran. But it wasn't from you. It was from your husband and his crazy weapon collection. Why'd you have to go and tell him? Sarah Newlin: Tell him? I didn't tell him anything. He's the one who told me! Jason: [standing] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Told you what? Sarah Newlin: There are wolves in our hen house. We must defend our flock. Jason: [confused] What's that got to do with- Sarah Newlin: We have your sister! Jason: Sookie's in the church? Sarah Newlin: She came in yesterday, spouting the same lies you told! Jason: Now you listen to me. She's got nothing to do with this. Sarah Newlin: You Stackhouses... you're nothing but a bunch of heartless, two-faced vampire fuckers! Jason: [grabbing the paint gun and pushing her down] Don't you ever talk about my sister like that! If I find out any of you so much has touched her, I'm gonna come back here...and it won't be with no f*ckin' PAINT GUN! Jason takes the car and leaves. Back to the FoS Church, people are running away. Steve one Loudspeaker: Brothers and sisters, we are on lockdown. Women with children, please take them to our classroom buildings. Men, and able-bodied women, security personnel will provide you with stakes and silver just outside the chapel. Our Soldiers of the Sun are on their way to protect our church, but safely evacuate the building now. Brothers and sisters, the hour is upon us! Eric and Sookie are watching them getting out of the church. Eric: I could have you out in seconds. Sookie: There are kids out there. Eric: All those humans wouldn't think twice about hurting us. Sookie: Why didn't you bring Bill with you? Eric: His attachment to you is irrational. It clouds his judgment. He would kill every child in this church to save you. Sookie: Why aren't you? Eric: I'm following Godric's orders and getting you out, that's all. Sookie: He's your maker isn't he? Eric: Don't use words you don't understand. Sookie: You have a lot of love for him. Eric: Don't use word I don't understand... Eric looks furtively at the entrance door. Kyle: Let's lock it up! Keep quiet! Alright lock it up, nobody comes through here... Eric walks out toward the members of the fellowship. Sookie: Eric, no! He turns back and leans down to Sookie. Eric: Trust me. He walks toward out the entrance door. Kyle: Is it locked? Did you check on... did you... Eric: [Taking a cheerful happy-go-lucky voice] Oh Hey y'all! How's it going? Steve sent me over there to man the exit here. Think I can take it from here. Kyle: By yourself? Eric: Ha... Yeah! Kyle: You're big and all but there's a vampire on the loose. Eric: Oooh... Brent: Where's your stake? Eric: Oh [laughing] Dang! I forgot! Kyle gives Eric a suspicious look. Eric: Maybe I could borrow yours if... if that's okay. Another guy looks at him suspiciously. Brent: I can't do that... Get your own. Eric:[Back to his usual voice] I'd very much like to borrow your stake. Brent: Yeah, yeah that'd be okay I guess. Brent hands Eric the stake while Kyle is about to stake Eric. Sookie: STAKE! Eric turns and punches Kyle and Brent down. As Rich goes to stake him, Eric grabs him by the throat and points the stake to Rich's neck, Sookie rushes over. Sookie: Eric! You don't have to kill him. He lets go of Rich. Eric:[Opening the door] Come on! People are rushing over. Rich: Those arrows are wood. You'll never make it through. Sookie: Eric, through the sanctuary. They enter the sanctuary. Eric: Where's the exit? Sookie: Back that way. Steve: There are several exits, actually. For you, the easiest one takes you straight to hell. Members of the FotS enter the room. Sookie: Let us leave. [To the members] Save yourselves. No one has to die. Steven: The war has begun you evil whore of Satan. You vampires cast the first stone by killing my family. The lines have been drawn. You're either with us, or against us. We are prepared for Armageddon. Sookie: The vampire you're holding prisoner got away. He's a sheriff. He's bound to send for help. Steve: I'm not concerned with Godric. Any vampire would do for our grand celebration, and we got one right here. He points to Eric. Sookie looks at Eric, and he looks her back. Eric: I'll be fine. He walks toward the altar. Steve: Brothers and sisters, there will be a holy bonfire at dawn [laughing]. Scene 2: Hotel Carmilla - Bill, Barry, Lorena, Hoyt, Jessica In Bill's room: Lorena: [Pushing Barry against the door] Look dear, room service sent a gift for us. Barry: No. No I don't do any... Lorena takes Barry by his throat. Lorena: Aaah... Heart's pounding. It's so much tastier. How considered of you. Bill suddenly turns his head. Bill: Sookie! Lorena: [Looking annoyed] That bothersome human. Just like an alarm o'clock you can't switch off. Bla bla bla bla... and ten minutes later bla. [Softly touching Barry's throat] I give you first bite. Bill: I am NOT hungry. Lorena: Oh! Come now. As I recall, you appetite was always... insatiable. This human attitude for your girlfriend is charming and all but we both know better. [Turning to Barry] Don't we? Barry: Please... I don't wanna die. Bill: [Angry] Let him go! Lorena: [Laughing] I will... soon. Barry: No! Lorena gets her fangs out and bites Barry, who's screaming. Bill's looking away. She ends the biting part, looking oddly at Barry's throat. Lorena: This one's different. I've never tasted... [Holding Barry's chin] What are you? [Sound of something being torn] Lorena turns to see Bill throwing a TV in her face. She lands on the floor. Bill smashes her head with the TV and throws it away. He takes Barry with him and they leave the room. In Hoyt and Jessica's room. Hoyt and Jess are still making love. Hoyt: ...okay? Are you okay? I'm not hurting you? Jessica: No... Not anymore... Goodness shut up. Keep going. Bill suddenly enters the room. Jessica screams while Bill is embarrassed and looks away. Hoyt: I... I don't know what you heard but... those were screams of pleasure. [To Jessica] Right? Jessica: [Hiding her face with her hands] Oh my god... Bill: If you truly care for her, you will take her to your car this very moment and drive her back to Bon Temps before the sun comes up. Hoyt: Now? Bill: Now! Bill leaves. Scene 3: Merlotte's - Lafayette, Tara, Eggs Lafayette: [Putting down a tarot card] Lovers... Oh sh1t hooker... Tara: What? Isn't the Lovers good? Lafayette: Not for you. In this position it calls for a sacrifice in matters of the heart. You're going to have to make a choice. Tara: But it might turn out well, right? Lafayette: You wanna see your future? A door is being opened, Lafayette is about to turn the card. Eggs: Tara, help me. The card is the Justice. Lafayette looks at Tara and then at Eggs. Eggs: I need to, talk, to you. Tara: Huh... y-yeah, sure. Lafayette picks up his cards. Lafayette: I'm gonna go and clean a grill or some... [Leaving the table]. Tara: [While Eggs is sitting where Lafayette was a moment ago] Say something, you're freaking me out. Eggs: What time is it? Tara: What... Eggs: What TIME is it? Tara: It's... ten past twelve. We just closed, why? Eggs: Look...It happened again, I've lost the last couple of hours. Tara: Are you sure? Eggs: Yeah. Tara: You don't remember anything? Eggs: I mean, after I left you, I got in my car and, baby, next thing I know I'm over... past Parish Road and I'm over by the lake. And I wake up on the ground. It's freezing cold. And I don't even know how I got there. Tara, what the hell is wrong with me? Tara: It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. Lafayette, you okay to close up? Lafayette: Yeah... yeah y'all go on ahead. Tara: Come on, let's get you home. Tara and Eggs leave the Merlotte's. Scene 4: FotS - Jason, a guy Jason is coming back to the camp. Guy: Hey hey, who are you? Jason: It's okay. I'm with the fellowship. You gotta let me in. Guy: Sorry bro, we're in lockdown. There's a vamper inside. Jason: Yeah. That's why they sent for me. I'm a cadet with the light of day institute. Came strapped. [Pointing his ring] Honesty. Guy: Dude, Honesty. Come on! Jason: Let's move. They enter the church. Guy: Now, we got the vamper surrounded. He's got some having fangbanger chick with him. I'm gonna take you to Steve. Jason: No. I go it. Guy: No he needs you to... hey... Is that a paintball gun? Jason: Uh oh... [Punching the guy with the paintball gun]. Yeah. It is. Scene 5: Merlotte's- Sam, officer, lady on the phone Back to Bon Temps. Sam is sleeping in his car until the ringing of the phone. The phone call comes from the Merlotte's. Sam: Who is this? [The other person hangs up]. Sam opens the door of the Merlotte's. Sam: Hello? He notices the light in the storeroom. He takes a look and finds Daphne lying against the wall, a bloody hole at the place where her heart should be. Sam: Oh! Jesus Christ! He gets out and looks for garbage's bags; he puts it on the bottom of Daphne's body and gets out. He calls for the police. Lady on the phone: Renard Parish sheriff's department. What's your emergency? Right after hearing a voice he sees the blue lights of the police's cars. Officer: Sherrif's department. Anyone in there? Lady on the phone: Is anyone there? This is the sherrif's department. May I help you? [Sam looks around, panicked]. Hello? Scene 6: Sookie's House - Maryann Maryann is singing while cooking. She starts cutting a heart and adds the pieces in the frying pan. Scene 7: FotS - Eric, Steve, Bill, Sookie, Jason, Stan, Godric Eric is groaning in pain, strapped to the altar with silver. Steve: You see? Justice as our Lord our Savior was betrayed for 30 pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world! Sookie: That doesn't make any sense. How can you people listen to him? Eric: I... I offer myself in exchange for Godric's freedom. And the girl's as well. Steve: That's noble. But she's just as culpable as you are. She's a traitor to her race. The human race. She hardly deserves our mercy. [To Eric] Maybe we should tie her to you so you can meet the sun together. [Walking toward Sookie] Hope this marshmallow will roast up nicely. Everyone turns around when hearing the doors being opened. Bill: Sookie! She smiles while Bill's rushing over. Steve: [Pointing a gun against Sookie] One more step, vampire, and the girl dies. Bill: If you shoot her, everybody here will die! Let her go now. Steve: [To Sookie, annoyed] Honestly, what do they see in you? [To the FotS members] Soldiers, some silver chains for our friend here. Sookie: Don't, he's done nothing to you. Bill: Sookie, I'll be fine. Jason: NEWLIN! He shots Steve's hand, the gun falls down. Jason: Let her go, fuckwad. Jason who shots in Steve's head. (Green shot) Steve: AH... AOUH! Bill rushes and kicks down the guys holding Sookie. Meanwhile Jason is being assaulted by 2 members of the FotS. Steve: Son of a bitch! [Still groaning in pain] Sookie goes to Eric, to help him. Bill: Sookie! She takes off the silver chains. Sookie: Let's go! Eric goes straight away to Steve, takes him by the throat and pushes him down. Sookie: Do not kill him! Jason: KILL HIM! Kill the m*therf*cker! Steve: Go ahead. Murder us. Murder us before God. We are willing to die. All the members look at him, shocked. A bunch of vampires enter the room. Stan: Steve Newlin! You have pushed us too far. You expect us to sit on our thumbs while you round up your men to come lynch us? We'll kill you first. Same way we did your father. Sookie: Oh God no... Steve: [Screaming out of anger] Murderer! Stan: Destroy them. All of them. Stan gets his fangs out and all the vampires zoom through the room ready to kill. Sookie: Bill, Eric stop them! Bill: We have to go now! Godric: Enough! Everyone stops. Godric: [Standing in the hall] You came for me I assume. Underling. Stan: Yes sheriff. Godric: These people have not harmed me. You see ? We can coexist. Mr. Newlin, I do not wish to create bloodshed when none is called for. Help me set an example. If we leave you in peace, will you do the same? Steve: I will not negotiate with subhumans! Kill me. Woman: No! Steve: Do it. Jesus will protect me. Godric: I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have known him, but I missed it. [To the FotS Members] Good people, who of you is willing to die for this man's madness? [The room remains silent] That's what I thought. Stand down, everyone. People, go home. It's over now. Sookie: Oh thank god, Bill. Bill: It's all right, you're safe now. You're safe. Steve: Please don't leave me. Godric: [To Steve] I daresay my faith in humankind is stronger than yours. Come. Stan: Sir. After what these humans have done to you. Has it. Come. Eric: [To Sookie] Are you sure you're okay? Bill: [Angry] She's fine! Go with your maker. Jason: Sookie... Sook... come here [Holding her]. Ah I'm so sorry. Can you please forgive me? Sookie: What were you doing with those people? Are you out of your mind? Jason: Yeah I was. Just [Looking at Steve] that son of a bitch, it's like he sucked out my brain and planted all his own babies in there. Steve: You know nothing. On the final day of reckoning, we'll see who goes to Heaven, and who goes to Hell. Jason: [Smiling, almost laughing] I reckon I've already been to Heaven. It was inside your wife. [Punches Steve]. Bill goes to Jason. Sookie: Jason, come on! Bill pushes Jason away from Steve. Sookie: Come on! Jason: Take your ring! Honesty my ass, shityhead. White suit motherfu... Go home preaching ... They leave. Scene 8: Merlotte's - Bud, Sam, Kenya, Andy Bud: Come on Sam, we can't tell you that. That's why it's called an anonymous tip. We can't tell you who phoned it in. Sam: They wanted you to find me! Why would I keep a body in my own refrigerator? It... It was a woman's voice? Bud: Sam! Kenya: There's a rumor saying you were having a relationship with the deceased, is that true? Sam: Yeah. Kenya: And you don't seem too beat up about it. Sam: I guess we kind of broke up. Kenya: Were you angry? Bud: That must leave some hurt feelings. Sam: Listen, y'all have to trust me. This is bigger and crazier than you can even imagine. Kenya: I'll say... This is the second time in 2 weeks a woman's been found in your bar with her heart missing. Bud: And the third time a waitresses of yours has ended up dead. Sam: Oh Come on! That was Rene Lenier! You can't use that against me! Come on Bud, Kenya, listen to yourselves. You know me. Bud: I'm not sure we do. You got no birth records, no social security number; we can't even find where you went to High School. Sam: It's hard to explain. Bud: Save it son. Nothing about your past ever checks out. Won't you just tell us what happened tonight? Andy: What the... Oh oh! Hold up, Bud. You don't think it's Sam, do you? Kenya: Let me get him. Bud: Hold on Kenya. [To Andy] You're on suspension. How did you hear about this? Andy: Still got my radio. I'm not here as a cop okay, I'm a witness. You have the wrong guy. Bud: What? Andy: Sam's not the one you want, he's the victim. I saw him nearly get killed last night. Bud: By who? Andy: The bull! Kenya: The what? Bud: Oh, Andy. He thinks he saw some kind of bull. Andy: With claws. A bull... in a dress... with claws [Mimicking the claws]. Bud: Ok Andy. You're babbling again... Kenya: I could shut him up. Andy: And your vic, the victim down there, she's part of this whole group of crazy people who was trying to get him [Pointing Sam]. I tried to fight them all but... [Showing his arm] War wound. I'm corroborating here, Sam. Tell them, help me. Sam: If I told you that's what happened, would you believe me? Kenya and Bud looks at Andy. Andy: Oh, sh1t! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 9: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann Tara: [To Eggs] But you're not the only one. I blacked out last night, Arlene blacked out. Maybe there's some kind of gas leak or something. Eggs: But what about Andy Bellefleur. He... he said he saw all of us. Tara: Andy is the only one we know that is out of his mind. Eggs: Tara, I had this sick feeling I did some real bad. Maryann: Knock knock. Hope I'm not interrupting. Eggs: No, just trying to piece together everything we've been doing in the past couple of days. Maryann: Hum... sounds like somebody's been enjoying himself a bit too much. Tell you what! Why don't ease up on the parties, for a little while? Take it easy. Hey! Snack's ready. They go to the kitchen. Maryann: Ho ho... Hope you're hungry. Tara: Oh my god! That looks amazing, what is it? Maryann: Hunter's soufflé. Eggs: I didn't know hunters make soufflés. Maryann: Most don't. Dig in. Tara digs in the soufflé which "red sauce" is flowing over. Eggs gives Tara a bite. Tara: Wow yeah! What is in that? Is that the rabbit you caught? Maryann: [Smiling] Among other things. Tara licks her hand. Tara: [To Eggs] You have got to try this. Eggs: Hmm. Oh my god. Maryann laughs. Tara and Eggs keep eating. Scene 10: At Godric's Party - Stan, Jason, a woman, Godric, Eric, Bill, Sookie Woman: [To Godric] Thank you sir. Stan: Welcome home sheriff. We are all very relieved. [Godric nods] Jason: I just want to say I'm real sorryfort what the fellowship put you through. Godric: You helped save many lives today, Mr. Stackhouse. Please know you have friends in this area whenever you visit. Jason: Thanks man but I don't know if I'll be wanting to come back any time soon. Jason leaves and meets Eric. Eric: Hail the conquering hero. Jason: Oh no. I'm no hero. Eric: Well you are in this town. But in my area, we know you well as a buyer and user of vampire blood. And that's a very grave offense. Jason: Yeah, listen, I don't do that anymore. Eric: All things considered however, we'll call it even. But you won't be doing it again. Jason: Yes... no, no... got it! Eric: Good boy. Run along. Jason leaves... Eric smiles. Sookie: [To Isabel] Thanks this is great. [To Bill] You've avoided being alone with me all night. Bill: Nonsense. With all this commotion there's hardly been time... Sookie: Bill. I was in that basement for 2 days, you don't even wanna know what almost happened to me down there. Where were you? Bill: Sookie it's... Sookie: "It's complicated" is not an answer. Every time I've need you, you've... always come running even in broad daylight. What kept you? Bill: hum... I was held. Sookie: Held? Like kidnapped? By who? By Eric? Eric: Hmmm heard my name... I hope you were speaking well of me. Sookie: Why should I? You let me walk into a trap. Eric: I regret that. If I had known it was possible... Sookie: You did know. But because it was Godric, you'd risk anything. Eric: The bond between a vampire and his maker is stronger than you can imagine. Perhaps one day you'll find out. Bill glares at Eric. Sookie looks at Bill, then Eric, and the last one looks at Bill while smiling. Scene 11: Compton House - Hoyt, Jessica Jessica and Hoyt enter the house, kissing deeply. Hoyt: [Laughing] Wow wow wow... Jessica: [Laughing] What's the matter? What, you don't love me anymore? Hoyt: I just don't think... Bill might not like us doing this stuff in his house. Jessica: He'll never know. Come on, you drove so fast, I know you want to again. Besides, we got two hours before dawn. I can't believe I waited so long. We are gonna do it every single night whether you want to or not. You still want to, don't you? Hoyt: Well, sure, yeah. It's just that Sookie and Bill might come in any minute. Jessica: We got the house to ourselves. I promise. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. Make love to me again. Please. Do me. Now. (They begin to make love) Wait, stop, stop. Hoyt: Sorry. What happened? Jessica: I don't know. It just... I mean, it's felt like... Hoyt: Is that blood again? Jessica: Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no. Hoyt: What, Jessica, what? Jessica: It grew back. Hoyt: It? What? Jessica: My... it f*cking grew back. I should have known. I mean, everything heals when you're a goddamn vampire. Hoyt: Okay, come on. Come on. It's gonna be beautiful. Every time will be like our first time. Jessica: It'll hurt like hell. I'm a f*cking deformity of nature. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Scene 12: At Godric's party - Godric, Eric, Sookie, Bill, Isabel, Hugo, Jason, Stan Eric (to Bill): I don't like being touched. Bill: Believe me, I do not like touching you. Your contact with Sookie will cease from this moment. Eric: That's hardly your decision. Bill: Calling in my maker because you couldn't win Sookie for yourself is feeble and desperate even for you. Eric: Are you picking a fight? I'd like to see you try. Bill: She will never be yours. And there is nothing you can do. In this you are powerless. Accept it. Isabel comes in with Hugo. She brings him to Godric. Isabel: This is the one who betrayed us. Godric: Hugo. He's your human, is he not? Isabel: Yes, he is. Godric: Do you love him? Isabel: I... I thought I did. Godric: It appears you love him still. Isabel: I do. I'm sorry. But you are my sheriff. Do with him as you please. Godric: You are free to go. Stan: What? Godric: The human is free to go. And do not return. I fear it is not safe for you here. Stan: This is a travesty. Godric: This is my verdict. Eric, escort them out. Make sure he leaves unharmed. Eric: Yes Godric. Isabel: Thank you. Thank you, sheriff. Sookie: What was that about? Bill: Godric is sheriff and he has the authority to... Sookie: I mean, with Eric. Why are you talking to him if he kidnapped you? Bill: It wasn't Eric. Sookie: Then who was it? Jason: Mister Compton. Hey Sook. Is there some place we can talk in private? Sookie: Jason, this really isn't the time... Jason: Look, if I don't say this now, I never will. Look, please, it'll only take a minute. Bill: Let's go out back. Jason: Thanks. Scene 13: In Jail - Bud, Kenya, Sam, Jane, Mike Sam: I know everyone says it but I'm really not the guy you want. Bud: If it's like you said, that there's something out there that's fixing to get you, then jail's just about the safest place to spend the night. Now, come on. Jane: Hey, Sam. Join the party. Sam: What the f...? Jane: I'd come down and give you a hug, but I lost my pants. Kenya: Yeah, it's been a hell of a night. Must be a full moon. Sam: Pretty sure it's not. Mike? What'd they arrest you for? Mike: Sodomy. Sam: What? Mike: Yea, they say I... I sodomized a pine tree. Sam: What'd you do that for? Mike: I don't know. Must have blacked out, but it's true. My pecker's got all kinds of scratches on. Jane: Don't worry, Mikey. It'll heal. Mike: What are you in for? Worse than me? Bud: Leave him alone, Mike. Mike: Sam? Scene 14: Godric's party - Bill, Jason, Eric, Godric Bill: What is it? Jason: I need you to forgive me. Bill: What? Jason: You love my sister, and... there ain't no reason why you shouldn't be able to. All this time, I let my own stupid ignorance stand in the way. Bill: Thank you. But I am also in your debt for helping rescue Sookie. Jason: After all I did to f*ck everything up, that's the least I can do. I'm just sorry it took me so long to wake up to it. Bill: Well, you did. Just in time. Jason hugs Bill. Jason: Well, was that okay for you? Bill: It was fine. In the house: Eric: Hugo's been dispatched. I told him not t stop driving until he reaches the Mexican border. I've arranged for and AB-negative human for you. Extremely rare. Godric: Thank you. I'm not hungry. Eric: You have to feed eventually. I doubt the Fellowship had anything to offer. Why wouldn't you leave when I first came for you? Godric: They didn't treat me badly. You'd be shocked at how ordinary most of them are. Eric: They do nothing but fan the flames of hatred for us. Godric: Let's be honest. We are frightening. After thousands of years, we haven't evolved. We've only grown more brutal, more predatory. I don't see the danger in treating humans as equals. The Fellowship of the Sun arose because we never did so. Eric: Is that why you wouldn't fight when they took you? Godric: I could have killed every last of them within minutes. And what would that have proven? Scene 15: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann Tara: Oh, my God. I inhaled that fucker. You know what? I didn't think it was possible, but this is better than her pie. Eggs: Way better. Maryann listens to them. Tara: I gotta learn how to cook. Eggs: You know, I feel like a superhero. I mean... Tara: You look like one. Eggs: Yeah? How about now? I mean, I feel invincible, you know? Like nobody could even hurt me. Tara: Yeah? I hate you. I f*cking hate your guts. Eggs: You f*cking bitch. I fucjing hate you too. You're not even trying, are you? Tara slaps Eggs. Eggs: More. She slaps him again. Eggs: Is that all you got? I mean... She kicks him. Eggs (he has black eyes): Now, that feels so f*cking good. He slaps her. Tara: Dams, boy. Do it again. He slaps her again. Her eyes are now black like his. Tara: f*ck, I want you so bad. They make love on the floor. Scene 16: At the Party - Sookie, Lorena Someone parks outside and goes through the house. Lorena arrives at the party. She goes through Sookie. Sookie: That's great. Me too. Lorena: Hello, there. I'm Lorena. Sookie: Nice to meet you. I'm Sookie. Lorena: Yes. You are what all the fuss is about. Sookie: Excuse me? Lorena: Aren't you a morsel. Sookie: I'm sorry. Who are you? Lorena: Well, we have a mutual friend. Sookie: Bill? Lorena: That's right. Funny he never mentioned me. I practically made him what he is today. Bill is arriving. Bill: Lorena. Lorena: Oh, hello, darling. I was just getting to know your plaything. You always did like to prey on the innocent. Sookie: Bill, is this your maker? Bill: She released me years ago. She no longer has any hold over me. Lorena: I wouldn't say that. We had two marvelous nights in your hotel room. Sookie: What? Lorena: Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52-inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, it's quite a weapon. Sookie (to Bill): You did? Bill (to Lorena): Lorena, you need to leave. Lorena: I hope he doesn't pull the same shenanigans with you. There's no excuse for domestic violence. Bill: What she has failed to mention is that she was holding me prisoner. Lorena: Pshaw. We were just catching up is all. You must have been worried sick, wondering where he was. I admit it. It got a bit heated. But you know how old lovers can get sometimes. Sookie: Do not touch him. Lorena: My, we're feisty too. You're no more than a blood bag. You cannot win this. Sookie: I've already won. Bill chose me. And yet you still won't give up. Don't you have any shame? Bill: Sookie, stop. Lorena: I'd listen to him. Run away, little girl. William and I love each other. Bill: You've gone mad. Now get out now. Sookie: Maybe you do love him. Who am I to guess? But he doesn't love you. He never has, and that we both know. Lorena: Take those words back or they shall be your last. Bill: We're leaving! Sookie: Go find someone else, you f*cking bitch! You've lost this one! Lorena is about to bite Sookie when Godric stops her. Godric: Retract... your... fangs. Now. I neither know nor care who you are. But in this area and certainly in this nest, I am the authority. Do you understand? Lorena: Yes, sheriff. Godric: This human has proven herself to be a courageous and loyal friend to our kind. And yet you treat her like a child does a dragonfly, pulling off wings for sport. No wonder they hate us. Lorena: She provoked me. Godric: And you provoked me. You disrupted the peace in my own home. I could snap you like a twig. Yet I haven't. Now, why is that? Lorena: It's... your choice. Godric: Indeed it is. You're an old vampire. I can tell. You've had hundreds of years to better yourself, yet you haven't. you are still a savage, and I fear for all of us, humans and vampires, if this behavior persists. (To Bill) You. You seem to know her. Bill: Yes, sheriff. Godric: Escort her from the nest. Sookie: Go ahead, I'm fine. I wish you out of my area before dawn. Bill and Lorena are outside. Lorena crying: I don't know how it got this way. I can't help it that I still love you. You know I do. But now it's become nothing but a constant humiliation. Bill: The pain that you suffer you've inflicted upon yourself. Lorena: When will we see each other again? Bill: Never. Lorena: We're immortal. Our paths are bound to cross eventually. Back inside: A vampire (to Stan): I have him by the neck, shaking... Jason (to a girl): But... and funny you say that because... The man arrives at the party; it's Luke. Jason: Luke? What the f*ck, man? Jason goes through Luke. Luke: Stay away from me, Stackhouse. Got nothing to say to you. Jason: What the hell you doing? Luke: Just go. (He speaks loud) Excuse me, everyone. If I could have your attention. My name is Luke McDonald. I'm a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. And I have a message for you all from Reverend Steve Newlin. He opens his jacket; there's a bomb and chains around him. He presses on the button.
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Is this on? (Beeps) Well, it's been a month since my last Val vlog. (Beeps) Was this going the whole time? (Beeps) Well, it's been a month since my last Val vlog, and I have some really big news. But first, I just want to give a shout-out to my subscriber who said, "I love it when you do impressions." (Laughs) Well... (Mimics Edith bunker) I have very big news that I'm very excited to tell you about. (Giggles) That's my Edith Bunker. Played by the wonderful... (Beeps) Jean Stapleton! Okay. (Beeps) I should get to my news. Uh... I've been cast in an HBO show. Mark: Why are you telling people you're... Ugh, God. Mark, I thought you left. Why are you sneaking up? Well, I'm not sneaking up. I came to get something. And why are you telling people that you're doing that show? We talked about that. Well, okay, to be fair... Okay, you said, "no effing way" and left the room. I was trying to have a safe discussion and you left the listening circle. Oh, is that what I did? Yeah. Okay. I'm listening. Tell me again why you'd ever want to do that show. It's HBO, Mark. I'll be an actress on an HBO show. Do another HBO show. Okay, I'll just put my name on the sign-up sheet for that. Okay, now it sounds like you're not listening. Okay. All right. Listen, I hear that, okay? I hear that. So you go. Okay. I'm expressing concern that... You're doing something that's a not-so-flattering version of yourself, written by a drug-addicted... Okay. Asshole, who's just gonna... Yeah. Okay. Right. I'll go. First of all, I'm not playing me. HBO was very clear about that. Okay, and B: Paulie's different now, okay? He's been through rehab. Val... Twice. Two rehabs. People don't change. Ooh. Okay. You just got me. What was that? It's oatmeal. It's really in there. Steel-cut? That's okay. And he cast me, okay? Paulie cast me in it. So he has changed, Mark. All right? Mark, please, it's HBO, okay? They do all those award-wining shows, right? Like "Mad Men." Is that HBO? Well, they're always smoking on it. I just thought... Oh, no, you're right. You're right. That's A&E. Yeah. So... Well, they have "Game of Thrones." You like that one, right? You always fall asleep to that one. Yeah, that's good. Right. Well, here we are at HBO. (Chuckles) New member of the family. (Gasps) Okay, look at this. Oh, "s*x and the City." Started it all. Guess I'm one of the girls now, huh? Oh, all right. Here we go. "The Sopranos." Started it all... In a different way, you know. Don't know that one, actually. No. I don't know it. Oh, and then... "New Girls," huh? Now, this one, she's real special. That, um, Lela Durham. I think it's Lena Dunham. Well, I don't... There, that... no, I'm right. Lena, yeah. Really excited to see this one. Can't wait for that. Man: Valerie? Huh? Oh. Hi. We're ready for you. Okay. Take my purse. Mickey: Mm-hmm. Thanks. Okay, here we are. Okay. Yeah, probably a six... I gotta go. Hi. Hello, hello, hello. Pretty office. So pretty. Smells pretty too. (All laugh) Oh, thanks. Oh, yeah, they're with me. Oh. Right. Yeah. Valerie, it's great to see you. Uh-huh, you too. Okay, great. Thanks, so... Valerie, this is Rada. Hi. Current programing. Hi. Okay. Yeah. Such a pretty name. Rada: Thank you. Woman: You know Connor and James? Sure do. Yeah. Val: Wow, gang's all here, huh? Right, 'cause you said you wanted to see us all. Uh, is there a problem? No. Oh, no. Everything's fine. Great. Yeah. No, I just... I had a couple questions. No, first, just about the film crew... you need to move over a little bit. Val: So... Yeah, we should talk about that. What's this for? Well, this is... oh, this is just, you know, BTS footage. You know, it's BTS: Behind the scenes. And I just thought, you know, if you want it, you could have BTS for SR. Sr: "Seeing Red." (Clattering) Oh, watch the blinds, Ivan. (Under her breath) Do better. (Laughing) Maybe we could use it for web content, social media... Val: Oh. Yeah, 'cause these kids have been following me around everywhere. Val: And the great thing is, they're cheap. You know? So it won't cost you much. And I just think it's real important to support young people getting a leg up in the business. Yeah, we'd have to use a union crew. Yeah, then they're gone. (Laughs) Val: They're going back to school. Oh. You know, so everybody wins. Okay! Val: Great. Okay. Um, can I ask you something about the schedule? Connor: Hold that thought. Holding. (Laughing) When you had your show, "The Comeback," which I loved, you had a really great producer. Who was that? Oh, from "The Comeback"? Jane. Connor: Jane who? Um, Jane... Uh, Jane Jane. Woman: Jane Benson. That sounds right. Yeah. No, I've worked with her. Oh, okay. Well, then let's get her. Or I'll get her, 'cause I know her. Jane Benson, yeah. Yeah. Great. Okay. Okay. Good. James: Wait, you wanted to say something about the schedule also? Yes, I did. Thank you. (Clattering) Val: Just... sorry. (Laughs) Ivan. (Chuckling) Need a union crew. (All laughing) Val: But they're great. They've been learning. Um... I did want to talk to you about... yeah, it's all just happening so fast. You know, want to get my ducks in a row. You know, so I was wondering when do we start? What, like, six weeks? No, we're starting next week. Oh, we moved it up. We wanted to get these on air for spring. Okay. That's fast. I just wanted time to... You know... Prepare. Prepare what? Prepare... Well, prepare. (Emphatically) Prepare. Oh, no. You don't need anything. Well... okay. Oh, no, no, no. You don't need to do anything. You are perfect. Thank you. You're perfect too. (All chuckling) We need to see what we saw in the audition. You're one of the few actresses who still looks real. Uh-huh. James: That's why we hired you. Oh. Okay. Right. Doctor, I only got a week to heal, so what can we do? Oh. Valerie. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't talking to anybody. Um, forgot. We would like to invite you to see the Golden Globes next week. Oh, okay. You're part of the HBO family now. Aw. We'll see you then. We throw an amazing after-party. Yeah. Yeah. I am so excited about this. I loved "The Comeback" and "I'm It." Oh, thank you! Yeah, I saw it at the museum of broadcasting. Val: Uh-huh. Okay. That means it's a classic. That's nice. That's in Beverly Hills. Right. Yeah. Across from the... Nate 'n Al's. Yeah. Mickey, please tell me you're still in touch with Jane. Val: Okay, there's nothing. All green, and I know we're not at a golf course. This trip to "Jane-ville" is a long way to go. That email looked like a definite no to me, Red. Well, no such thing as a definite no, okay? What's the name of that road again? Oh... It's, uh... 4325 Yasidro Sage road. And I know this is her current address because I didn't get my Christmas newsletter back. Okay, we're nowhere. Oh, so many people are dead. Didn't that sign back there say that? All right, I need to pay attention. Didn't realize I'm gonna have to leave bread crumbs. (Chuckles) Oh. Mickey: I think you made a wrong turn, hon. (Dog barking) Mickey: Oh, there it is. Val: I don't want to hit the dogs. Aw, look at this. (Barking continues) (Goat bleating) Val: Wow. Look at where we are. Jeez, the sun. Where's my sombrero? Oh, you wanna get it? Yeah. I'm gonna need it. My face will look like little orphan Annie. Val: Uh-huh. Oh, look! Horses! Val: Yeah, I saw them. Yeah. Mickey: What's wrong with that one's leg? It's bandaged. Oh, yeah. Supposed to shoot them, right? "They shoot horses, don't they?" That movie... Ivan: No. You should Netflix it. Yeah. Okay. (Horse whinnies) Oh! (Val laughs) Jane, Jane. Sound familiar? (Val laughs) Oh my God. Jane: Valerie! I thought, "who is this?" And then I saw the cameras and I knew it was you. You never give up. Well, you do. You're really off the grid here, huh? Well, I'm not really off the grid. If I was, I wouldn't have gotten your email about the Paulie G. thing. Oh, yeah. Okay. (Chuckles) Val: All right, okay. Yeah. Come in. Thank you. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. (Dog growls) (Loud clattering) Oh, look out. Watch it. Bust up the joint. Don't worry about that. Here, let me fix that for you, Jane. Oops. Yeah, it's... okay. Okay. Go ahead. Jane: Hey, Mickey. Mickey: Hey, sweetie. (Jane sighs) Val: Oh, wow. Val: This is nice. Mickey: Oh my goodness. You own this? Yeah. Val: Aww. Wow, good for you. ♪ Looks like we made it. ♪ (Laughs) Neil Diamond. So good. I think it's Barry Manilow. Huh? I get it... I get it, Jane. I get it. Get why you live all the way out here, away from everything. You know, good for you. Yeah. So, Valerie... Um, thank you for thinking of me, but I'm not interested. So... Jane: Would you guys like some tea? Sure. Yeah, while we talk? Yeah, let's talk about it. All right. I make a mean tea. Whoa, careful there. Jane: All right. Oh. Okay. Yeah. Watch it. You gotta be careful, Ivan. Sorry. (Chuckling) Val: See why I need you? Val: So, um, Jane, I know you said you weren't interested in doing a reality show again. Um, thank you. But you know what, this is HBO, and they asked for you, okay? They know who you are. Yeah, I met with someone there when I was trying to get distribution for my documentary. Well, okay. Now maybe they'll revisit distri-buting it. Okay? Get people to see it. Who knows what can happen? Yeah. Actually, yeah, some people did see it and then that happened. Val: Is that an Oscar? Is it real? Can I pick it up? (Jane chuckles) Yeah. (Val gasps) Yeah? Oh my. Ooh. Oh. Okay. Wow. "Best documentary short: The Hidden Women of Treblinka." What is that? Uh, it's about lesbians in the holocaust. Oh. Important. Yeah. 'Cause it got you this. Wow, so, "Jane Benson and Joanne Meyer"? Yeah, Joan. That's my ex. Oh! Oh. I didn't know you were... what, that I was Jewish or a lesbian? Well, both, you know. Double whammy. Well, nice to meet you, Jane Benson: Jewish lesbian with an Oscar. Good for you. Good for you. (Sighs) Wow. Doesn't mean anything. "Doesn't mean anything"? (Laughs) It's an Oscar! Ooh, and I made banana bread. Oh. I don't eat that, but... I'll have some. Tyler, make sure that you get me with the Oscar. You know what, Mickey? Here. Will you take a picture of me with the Oscar? Just wanna make sure. I want it on my phone. Yeah. Take another one for safety. And another one. Another one. Just one more. (Mickey laughs) Jane, taking pictures with your Oscar. I know, I'm right in the room. Oh. (Laughs) Couldn't see you, I was blinded by the gold. (Laughs) Oh, wow. Look at that. Makes a good doorstop... Val: Doorstop. (Laughs) 'cause it doesn't matter. "It doesn't matter"? Jane: I still had trouble raising money for my next one. Oh. I have an unfinished movie about the Taiwanese boat women in my barn. Nobody even wants to know about it. Well, maybe HBO wants to know about it. Right? Oh, no can do. I'm a lightweight. Mickey? Oh, hello! Mm, that's right. Well... Oooh. Yeah, oh, no. Uh-uh. Sorry. Nope, not 21. You just work the camera, okay? I'm 25. Well, okay, I don't want the other kids to feel bad. All right. Yeah. Go ahead. Is this butter? It's goat butter. Is that a thing? Yeah. The horses like the goats. You need to... okay. Come up. Aww. Jane: That way. There you go. Yeah. They're rescue horses. They're, like, traumatized when they come in, and the goats are, like, entry-level. So the horses get comfortable with the goats, and then they get comfortable with people, and so that's goat butter. Do you have anything in a pump or a spray? Mickey... trying to talk business with Jane. (Giggles) So, Jane, seriously, how 'bout it? (Sighs) Nothing? You're not gonna say anything? You were so uptight around Paulie. Uptight? I-I was... I wasn't uptight. Oh, were you just trying to get me to smoke that? Oh, fine. I will. I'll do it. I'll do it. You know why? Because I'm not uptight. See? (Coughs) I'm not uptight at all, I'm... you know what? Paulie's changed. This is good stuff. (Laughs) It is. It is. You know, I don't know, Jane. (Teakettle whistling) Did you know... That he was, um... (Inhales) Doing heroin? When we were shooting "room and bored." Yeah. I saw him shoot up once. You did? You didn't say anything. It wasn't about him. That's right. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I'm hogging the bogart. Mm, I forgot how good butter tastes. I feel bad enough about what I did to you on camera the first time. Val: Well, I'm fine. I'm fine. You were just doing your job, you know. And you're good at your job, Jane, that's why everybody wants you. I'm sorry. I just don't see the point of it all. Val: Oh. Okay. Well, all right. You don't see the point in anything. But, you know, um... How about people? Do people count? You know? I need you. I mean, I'm not a lesbian, and I'm not a Taiwanese boat person, but I need you. I need to feed the horses. Okay. That's... all right. I get it. So... I give up. We'll go. Jane: Oops. Wait a sec, I got it. All right. Val: Oop. Mickey: Hup hup. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. Oh, well, that's... thanks for talking to me. Are those the... is that the... those are the rescue horses? They're just so beautiful, you know. Just think of how many more you could rescue with the money that you'd make doing the show. (Dog barks) Did you answer and I missed it? No. Okay. Well, all right. I give up. That's okay. (Giggles) Okay. Oh, is that the barn? Is that where you have the... Taiwanese boat ladies that you can't finish because you don't have the money? Is that where that is? All right, you're making me feel bad. Well, look... I mean, I'm sorry, but I just... all I hear you say is that, you know, "I don't have money to do the things that I really want to do," and I'm here offering you money to do those things and a do-over with me. Right? So... (Goat bleats) [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Mark. Hello, Jane. Valerie?- Val: Mm-hmm? You have company. Val: Oh? Okay. Yeah. Mark: W-why are they here? I thought this was going to be different than "The Comeback." It's completely different, Mark. This is about an actress on a TV show. They're just here to pick me up. Hi. Come on in. Hi, Jane. Where is she? Val: Oh, hi. Hi, hon. Hi, Tyler. Say hi to your Uncle. See? Kept him on the crew, and not just for me, it's a big deal for him too. Hey, Tyler. Learning a lot? Val: Well, of course he is. You know, Jane has an Oscar. Good. I don't want to be on this. Okay. Message received. Okay? (Laughs) He's so cute. Silly Mark. You're so cute. You're so cute. (Chuckles) Hi. What's that? Oh, hi. Jane: Yeah, that's Nail. Val: Nail? Yeah. Hi. Jane: And hawk and chip. Val: I got it. Jane: Over there. Val: Hawk. Chip. Jane: Yeah, I got it. I got it. Val: Thank you. Yeah. Sorry. That's nice of you, but... (Jane laughs) ... Jane should do my mic. Val: Oh! Okay. I almost forgot the big news. Um... You know how you and I have been talking about how we wanna try having date night more? Okay. Well, you and I are going to the Golden Globes. What? Uh-huh. That's cool. (Laughs) That's a smile. Just me and you? Just me and you, and Mickey, and Billy, and... You know. Yeah. Just get your tux ready. Yeah. (Laughs) I actually gasped. (Laughing) That's real. Jane, we're not gonna see that, are we? Jane: What? Me gasping. Well, she's not gonna use anything she doesn't need. Well, what does that mean? It means I'm late for the stylist, okay? They just came to pick me up, but then you started a conversation. I didn't start a conversation. So, let's go everyone. (Cellphone ringing) Oh, forgot my phone. Well, that could have been bad. Who's Dr. Jadra? Oh, um, that's not important. I can just call him back. (Ringing continues) I can call him back. Isn't he the guy... Yeah. You know, I'm just gonna... Get a little Botox. You know, everyone in Beverly Hills gets a little Botox. Mark: All right. All right. Did you forget what happened the last time? With the fillers and the Botox and the... well, yeah. I was... I wanted to get surgery, 'cause it's safer, you know, but I only have a week... All right. You want to see what happens? So I'm just gonna do this. What are you doing? Oh, no! Okay. No, no, no. No, that's not... oh, no! Jane, this... no, this is what happens with fillers. Okay. No. That's all right. I got it. Come on. Thank you. That's not necessary, Mark. Either you want to be on camera or you don't want to be on camera. You guys ready? He's filming his reality show, so that's happening. I know that show. Okay. Oh, no. This one only airs in China. China, smart. Yeah. Okay, everybody. Here we go. Val: Okay. Val: There he is. (Val laughs) Brad Goreski. Hello, Valerie Cherish. Hi. How are you? Goo... oops. All righty. Can't operate cars either. Mickey, don't. (Whispers) Yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it. I got it. Um, should we try it again? Sure, yeah. Okay. In five, six, seven, eight... (Laughing) (Val laughing) Right? Brad Goreski! Hello, Valerie Cherish! (Speaking Chinese) Who is this? Oh, this is Valerie Cherish. Nice to meet you. I'm Brad's assistant. Oh. Val: Yeah. Okay. (Laughs) I didn't... I didn't know. Let's take a look at the rack. That one, not this one. (Chuckles) Cute. Comedy doesn't translate. I think this would look really pretty with your hair. Uh-huh. You have to try this. Uh-huh. That's... it's a lot of feathers. Um, it's just not me, I don't think. Yeah, but you know what I love about this one is that it's so modern, and I'd love to see you in something modern for a change. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Great. Try that. Thank you. Okay. All right. (Softly) Even though I'd never wear it in a million years. It's a goodie. (Woman laughing) Val: No. Val: Oh, no. Val: No. Let's see it, Val. Val: Oh. Um... No, I don't... it's not right. You know, it's... no. No. Not me. Well, come on out. Val: Um, I'm good in here. You know. Val: I don't think... oh. Oh, I like it. Well, I... no. Yeah, I think it's worth seeing. It... you know what? Let's just move along, okay? 'Cause it's just... it's not me. Yeah, I know. You don't have to wear it to the Golden Globes, Val. We just need to see you in a couple of looks for this. You know the drill, you had a reality show. Yeah. Yeah. Just for fun. Yeah. Yeah. We're gonna have fun. Okay. Sure. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. Here I come. Great. Okay. Well... This one's fun, huh? Look at that. (Laughs) Isn't that something? Brad: I love the idea. But it's not you. Well, yeah. That's what I said in there. You know, but... Look like I fell asleep in a bird sanctuary. Huh? Who's my prom date? Big bird? (Laughs) Okay. Try another one. Which... what's next, Brad? Actually, I have one that I'd love for you to see. It's a-mazing. Val: Is it normal? Val: That's pretty. Yeah, that will be fun. (Gasps) Somebody say, "Golden Globes"? (Doorbell rings) Housekeeper: Oh! Look at Mr. Mike! Hats off. Here we come. Those beautiful girls! (Val laughs) Uh, limo's here. Well, here we are, four on the town. Got the tickets, Mark? Yes, I do. Okay. Let's go. Jane: How are we getting in? Huh? Jane: How are you going to get us in? Oh, well, they don't need tickets, right? They're press. Everybody needs a ticket. Housekeeper: Uh-oh. (Chattering, cameras flashing) Mark: Wow. You know, Billy was pretty upset. Well, Billy's a publicist, and he should understand. What about Mickey, just rolling with it, huh? You were so cute though, telling him. I'll go this time, Mickey. You go next. Oh, I don't know. I felt bad. No, don't. Don't. You're my man, okay? You're my husband, my everything, and you got to come. Gotta have you, and Jane and the crew. May I see your tickets, please? Val: Oh. Uh, yes. Omar, could you take them to suite 806. Have a nice evening. What's 806? What is that? A viewing party. I'm sorry, the awards are in there. Where are we going? To a viewing party in one of the suites. Right that way, ma'am. Well, we're guests of HBO. The HBO party is downstairs after. Oh, no. See, Val, it says, "viewing suite" right there. No, but I... what? Okay. I didn't see that, Mark. I didn't know. Well, I mean, we can still see it, right? Yeah. Yeah, in the viewing suite. Let's see who else is in there. It could be fun. Okay, thank you. Okay. This is it. Okay. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm ready. All right. Ta-da. Okay. (Indistinct chatter) Wow. Pretty. (Women speaking Russian) Well... Who are these people? (Speaking Russian) Val: I don't know. Val: Guests of HBO, I guess. Are they speaking Russian? Is that what that is? Yeah, probably. They look like Russian whores. And how would you know that? Huh? (Laughs) I think they are. Well, I need a drink. I'm gonna get you a drink, okay? I just saw Paulie G. so I should probably say hi. Mark: Okay. Val: Right? Well, I don't have to say hi to him, do I? Well, why don't I get you a drink, and then you can say hi. Okay. All right. That'll help. Mark: Oh, and some cheese or something. Sure. Yeah. Thanks. Hello. (Speaks Russian) Don't understand. Man: Hi, what can I get you? Um... what should I have? Oh, you know what? Two of those. Thank you. Yeah. Coming right up. (Chattering, laughing) Hello, hello, hello. Hello, Valerie and her cameras. (Laughs) Yeah. Bartender: Ma'am. Oh, thank you. Bartender: Sure, enjoy. Thank you very much. So... Aye. What's Jane doing here? Val: Um... you didn't know? Paulie G: No. What is this, "The Comeback" comeback? Oh. You're not doing that to me again, are you? No. Absolutely not. No. HBO called. They wanted her. Right? Yeah. Yeah, but... You know what? Don't worry. We're in good hands, because... It's not that same cheesy TV stuff that you hate, you know. I don't know if you know, but Jane, um, she does documentary films, and she has an Oscar. Wow. Yeah, I know. For a holocaust movie... or lesbians... lesbian holocaust movie, yeah. Sounds hot. Sorry I missed it. Yeah. (Chuckles) Paulie, just wanted to say it's a beautifully written show. Oh. You know? It really is, and I'm gonna do my best. Yeah, well, I hope you can do better than that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I just got you this... he's coming over. Yo, Val. Hi. Hi. That wasn't you. Huh? That... wasn't your fault. I'm sorry. It's all right. That's okay. That's okay. You know Mark, right? Hello, Mark. Val: Paulie. Paulie G. You all right? Yeah. Yeah. (Sighs) I thought I was gonna be at the Golden Globes tonight. I'm a little tense. Sorry. Yeah. No, so did we. Yeah, I mean, they could have said, "you're going to a suite," you know? They could have made a f*cking decision, you know? I'm feeling a little set up, I guess. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know what? Next year. We'll be inside. You'll be inside. All right? Next year. Right. We were gonna go to the HBO after-party. You wanna come? No, I'm gonna go to a meeting. What? I'm gonna go to a meeting. Okay. All right. Wish we could go too. Don't you wish you were an alcoholic so we could go? (Scoffs) Bad joke. Val: Okay. Yeah. See you next week on set. Bright and early. All right. That's good. Val: He walked right by the bar. Mark: All right. That's probably a good sign. Wait till he's gone before I... [SCENE_BREAK] (Sighs) Should we go? Well, I don't wanna ride in the elevator with Paulie G. So... No, thank you. Let's just wait. Yeah. ♪ Walking on, walking on, broken glass ♪ You know, it was nice of him to come over. Mm-hmm. Yes. Okay, that... see, Jane, he has changed. He wouldn't have done that before. Val, he's still a freak. Well, you know, he's an artist. So... you're just lucky, 'cause you're married to a sane artist. You're an artist? You're an actress. Actresses are artists. (Giggles) He doesn't know. ♪ So take me from the wreckage ♪ Hello. ♪ Save me from the blast ♪ We should probably go. I think it's okay now. Right? Yeah. Okay. Probably safe. ♪ Don't let me keep on walking ♪ Coast is clear. ♪ I can't keep on walking ♪ Mark: Let's go. Val: Bye-bye. Val: We're leaving.
doc_49
ACT ONE Scene One - KACL FADE IN Frasier is listening to a caller. Marie: [v.o.] Um, you see, Dr. Crane, there's this man I'd like to go out with, but he's forty years old and he's never been married. Do you think that means something? Frasier: Well, it could mean he has a fear of commitment... or it could mean he's just been lucky! He laughs at his own wit, then realizes no one is laughing with him. Frasier: Marie, that was a joke. Marie: [sighs audibly] Did I mention I'm calling from a pay phone? Frasier: Alright, alright, Marie, um... I would say give him a shot, but uh... I'd keep that caution bulb lit. Thank you for your call, Marie. [punches a button] Who's next, Roz? Instead of handing him over to his next caller, Roz interjects with her own on-air opinion. Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you have to watch out for. Someone's never been married - it might just mean they're a careful shopper. Whereas your divorcé will bite into any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first. Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been- married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana. [irritably] May we take another call, please? Roz: We could, but it's time for a station break. Frasier: [surprised] Oh. Oh well then, we'll be right back after this. He punches a button and removes his headphones, then enters Roz's booth. She is already up and on the way out. Frasier: Roz, didn't we just take a break? Roz: The lot was full this morning - I had to park at a meter. I'll be right back. Frasier: Oh. Fine, just hurry. Roz pauses and turns back to Frasier. Neither of them notice Bulldog come into the hallway, then bend over to tie his shoe. Roz: [pausing] Do I have headphone hair? [off his look] Well, I may have to flirt my way out of a parking ticket! Frasier: Oh, just go! Roz: OK, OK! As Frasier re-enters her booth, Roz turns and runs - and flips, literally head over heels, over Bulldog, and crashes to the floor. Frasier rushes back out to see Roz lying on the floor and Bulldog getting up. Roz: [clutching her ankle] Ow, ow, ow, ow! Frasier: My God! [hurrying over] Are you alright? Bulldog: I got the wind knocked out of me, but I guess I'm OK. Gil comes over. Roz: Ow, ow, my ankle! Frasier: Here, Roz. [bending down and touching her leg] Does this hurt? Roz responds with a deafening screech of pain. Frasier: Alright, there's no nerve damage at least. Gil: Still, one ought to have an X-ray. Frasier: Yeah, come on. They start to help her down the hallway, with an arm around each of their shoulders. Roz: Frasier, Frasier, the show! Frasier: No, that's alright, Roz, I'll get someone to fill in for me. Roz: No, I mean right now! You've got dead air. Frasier: Oh, God! He lets go of her, almost dropping her to the floor again, and rushes back into the booth. Bulldog and Gil help a moaning Roz into a chair by the side. The former sits next to her and the latter kneels by her leg. Bulldog: [to Gil] Take the shoe off. Roz: [in pain] Oh, oh... Gil: [on removing her shoe] Oh, dear. Roz: [worried] What is it? Gil: [distastefully] I see it's been a while since our last pedicure. Roz shoots a disgusted look at Bulldog. [SCENE_BREAK] BED AND BORED Scene Two - Roz's apartment The living room shares the same space as the bedroom, and Roz is seated on the queen-sized bed, her injured ankle propped up on a cushion. She is trying to paint her toenails. The doorbell rings. Roz: [calling] Who is it? Frasier: [from behind the door] It's Frasier. Roz: It's open. Frasier pulls open the door and enters. He is carrying a white box. Frasier: Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room? Roz: Frustrating. You know how it is - you're sitting there in complete agony and every crybaby with a gunshot wound waltzes right in ahead of you. How was it after I left? Frasier: It was OK. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you. [looking around] That's quite a boot collection. Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bed post? Roz: Those are mine. You hate the way I've decorated, don't you? Frasier: No, no. Matter of fact, I admire your courage. Roz: [noticing the box] Is that for me? Frasier: Oh, yes. [hands it to her] Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy: work, and love. Roz: Aw, thanks, Frasier! [opens the box] So you brought me work. Frasier: Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time death threats don't get photos. Roz's patented death stare is interrupted by a knock on the door. Roz: Who is it? Bulldog: [from behind the door] It's Bulldog! Roz: Shh! Pretend we're not here. Frasier: Roz, you just said, "Who is it?" He goes to the door and opens it. We see Bulldog, clutching some white paper bags in his hands. Bulldog: Hey, Doc! Frasier: Hey, Dog. Bulldog: Hey, Roz! [noticing his surroundings] Wow! The whole place is a bedroom! [barks] Roz: What are you doing here? Bulldog: Well, I kinda feel responsible for you being on the disabled list. So I brought you some deli. Frasier: Nothing says I'm sorry like fatty meats. Bulldog: [walking into the kitchen] You got your pastrami, coleslaw... OK, where's the french fries? I ordered french fries! We hear him slamming his hand on a hard surface. Bulldog: THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! [comes out of the kitchen] That apron boy is gonna...! [notices another white bag on the E-Z table next to Roz's bed] Oh, here they are. He grabs them and goes back into the kitchen. Frasier: To think he does it all without steroids. Bulldog: [coming back out] You want me to stick these in the oven? Roz: Actually, I'm not really very hungry. Bulldog: Oh. Then I guess you're not thirsty either? [pulls out a bottle of Wild Turkey] Roz: Glasses are on the top shelf. He heads back into the kitchen, bottle in hand. Frasier: None for me, Bulldog. I'm off to the opera. Roz: [desperate] You can't leave! Bulldog: [calling] Hey, no ice cubes! Roz: [calling back] Just chip whatever you can off the edge of the freezer. [whispering to Frasier] If you leave me, he'll hit on me! Frasier: Roz, with a sprained ankle? Roz: You know what it's like in the jungle - they always go after the sick and the lame. Frasier: Roz, I'd like to stay, but I'm meeting people at the opera. I've got the tickets! Bulldog: [entering with two glasses] Here we go. I'll get you more ice in a minute when the feeling in my forehead comes back. Frasier: Well, curtain's going up. [opens the door and turns back] Listen, Roz, if you need anything, feel free to call me absolutely anytime. Well, except for the next three hours, of course. I'm at the opera. Oh, no, no, no... four hours, it's Wagner. Um... oh, then I've got a late supper, then right to bed, I've got an early squash game... tell you what, let's just say call me absolutely anytime after four tomorrow afternoon. He opens the door and exits, leaving Roz quite effectively in the doghouse. Bulldog: Hey. [clinks her glass with his] This is nice. You and me, having a drink together. Roz: [draining her glass] Yeah. It's been fun. Bye! [slams her glass onto the E-Z table] Bulldog: How come you only painted two toenails? Roz: [sighing] 'Cause it hurts too much when I reach. Bulldog: You want me to finish them for you? He sits himself down on the bed, picking up the bottle of nail polish. Roz: No, please, it's OK. Bulldog: Hey, it's a nice colour. Goes with the bruise. Roz: Bulldog, I mean it. Stop it. Bulldog: Hey, you got nice feet! Roz: Really? You don't think they're too big? Bulldog: You kidding? I could get this whole thing in my mouth, easy. [starts painting her nails] Roz: [semi-suspicious] You know, it's really nice of you to do all this for me. Kind of surreal... but nice. Bulldog: Oh, I figure if I'm nice to you... maybe you'll be nice to me. Roz: [pushing herself off the bed] I knew it, I knew it! You come over here acting all sympathetic, but you're still the same old horny, low-class slimeball you've always been! Bulldog: Hey, before you say something that ends up offending me... look, all I wanted to ask you is if, you'd be interested in producing my show. Roz: [shocked] What? Bulldog: Yeah, I'm not real crazy about the guy I got now. And let's face it - you're the best producer there is. Roz: You really think I'm the best? Bulldog: Hey, that goes without saying. Roz: [obviously won over] Well, Frasier goes without saying it every day. [sits back down] Bulldog: Well, you don't have to answer right now, just take your time and think about it. But I gotta warn ya, when I set my mind on something, I get it. I once wanted to interview George Foreman. He said no... but I got him. [starts painting again] I had to paint his toenails FOUR times, but I got him! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's apartment Roz is seated on the couch, her injured leg in Daphne's lap. Daphne is giving her a massage. Daphne: You've been wrapping your bandage too tight. You've got to keep the blood flowing to the injured ligaments. Roz: Daphne, that feels great. Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough. Daphne: Actually, I'll need a raise to get me to "not enough." The door opens, and Martin enters, followed by Niles. Martin: Hey, Roz! Roz: Hey, Martin, what's going on? Martin: Oh, Niles bought me some new shoes! Daphne: [mock approvingly] Oh yes, look! They have tassels! Niles moves to hang up his coat, oblivious to Daphne's sarcasm. Niles: Aren't they exquisite? Those shoes were individually handmade by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Florence. [goes to the bar to pour himself a drink] The man is a hero there. It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes. They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates. Roz: There's a town that needs a bowling alley. Frasier now enters through the front door. Frasier: Evening, all! Niles: Hello! Roz: Hey, Frasier! Frasier: Oh Roz, Roz! Did you hear the show today? I was at the top of my form! I did a brilliant job of cutting a narcissist down to size! Niles brings him a drink. Frasier: Oh, thank you, Niles. So... He stops, noticing Martin's footwear. Frasier: Ooh, Dad! New shoes? Do I hear cathedral bells? Martin: Ring-a-ding-ding! He gets up and moves to the kitchen. Frasier: Oh, Roz, I also wanted to apologize for leaving you last night. I hope you didn't spend the whole evening fending off Bulldog's advances. Roz: Oh, no! Bulldog's not so bad! We actually had a good time! Frasier: [laden with sexual innuendo] Ohhh? Roz: What "ohhh?" Frasier: Well, I couldn't help noticing he came in to work this morning wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday. Niles: [laden with double sexual innuendo] Ohhhh?? Martin: [walking back to his chair] What's going on? Niles: Roz slept with Bulldog last night. Roz: I did not! How could you think that? Frasier: Well, I mean - dropping by, bringing a little gift? It was obvious he was after something! Daphne: Well, that's not fair! Dr. Crane is always dropping by and bringing me little gifts and he's not after anything! Niles looks decidedly uncomfortable. Roz: [indignantly] I did not sleep with Bulldog - he didn't even hit on me. He did want something, though - he wanted me to leave you and come be his new producer. Frasier: [skeptically] Oh, well! I wonder why he said that! He trades a knowing look with Niles. Roz: Because he really wants me. Frasier: Yes well, I think that goes without saying. Roz: For his show. Frasier: Oh Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But his ultimate goal remains to... well, to... Roz: [snappishly] To what? Niles: To play Aeneas to your Dido. [pause] Sorry you had to hear that, Daphne. Daphne: Oh, that's alright. As usual, I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about. [N.B. In an earlier draft, the line was, "dip his biscotti in your latte." Also, for lay persons, Aeneas is a figure from classical literature: a hero of the Trojan War who escaped to Carthage, and had a passionate affair with the queen, Dido, before abandoning her to go to Italy and found the city of Rome (or so Virgil tells us).] Roz: You know, this is so insulting. You think Bulldog wants me to come work for him because he wants to get me into his bed. It doesn't even occur to you that he thinks I'm a good producer. Frasier: Roz, don't you think you're being just a tad naive? Roz: I'll tell you what naive is. Naive is someone who thinks he can stand there and talk to me like that without getting a crutch up his butt! Frasier: Roz, I can see how he's manipulating you! I'm an expert in human behavior! Roz: Oh, really? [to Daphne] Excuse me. [stands up angrily] I've heard your expert advice! The only mental disorder you've ever cured is insomnia! Martin laughs, and Frasier gets extremely riled-up. Frasier: Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen, what with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks! Answering phones and pushing buttons! My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do! Roz: Then hire one, because I'm taking the job with Bulldog! She picks up her crutches and storms out - or tries to, but it's hard to do with a pair of crutches and only one good leg. Roz: [hobbling towards the door] That's it! I am outta here! [and hobbling...] Take a picture, 'cause I'm not in your life! [still hobbling] You have seen the last of me! [finally reaches the door and says triumphantly] Sayonara! [realizes] Oh damn, my purse. Roz starts hobbling pitifully back to the couch on her crutches, with everyone looking on. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - KACL Frasier is in his booth, as per normal, but he has a new producer in the form of Bruce. Frasier: Well Bruce, I see we are loaded with callers here. What line is next? Bruce: What's your favorite number? Frasier: [tolerantly] Three. Bruce punches a button. We hear a dial tone. Bruce: Damn. What's your other favorite number? Frasier: [annoyed] Why don't you just let me handle this? [He pushes a button.] Frasier: Hello, you're on the line with Frasier Crane. I'm listening. Francesca: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Um, my name is Francesca and I'm calling about my boyfriend. Well, he says he loves me, but I just can't get over this fear that I'm going to come home one day and he's not going to be there. I don't know. It probably stems from my childhood when my father left us. Frasier: Oh Francesca, you are suffering from a fear of abandonment. But trust me, I'm here for you. Francesca: Thank you, Dr. Crane. I'm always so afraid that people I count on will just disappear and I'll be left with... Her voice is suddenly cut off, to be replaced by a disconnected dial tone. Frasier stares at Bruce with truly ferocious venom in his gaze. Bruce: Sorry! Frasier: [slightly panicked] Francesca, please... we had a little technical glitch there. But we were almost out of time anyway. Please, if you'll call in tomorrow, I'll make sure you're the first order of business. Please call. Well, we're just about wrapped up here, folks... I'll see you tomorrow, Seattle. Frasier removes his head phones, then walks into the producer's booth slowly, menacingly. Bruce: [cheerfully] Good show, Dr. Crane. Frasier: You think so, Bruce? Bruce: Yeah! Frasier: Well, call me old-fashioned but when my show starts out with a screeching noise that could shatter crystal, then moves on to an open mike while I'm eating a bag of potato chips, then disconnects two manic-depressives and a woman with a fear of abandonment, I don't think it's a show we should be mailing off to the Smithsonian! Bruce: Don't worry, man - you'll do better tomorrow. Bruce gives Frasier a comforting, condescending pat on the back and leaves. Frasier is incensed. He begins to walk back into his booth just as Bulldog wheels his usual equipment in, with Roz following behind him with a clipboard. Bulldog: Yeah, it's going to be a great show, Roz. I can feel it. Roz: Yeah, I'm psyched. You've got about a minute to show time. Frasier: Hello, Roz. Roz: Hello, Frasier. Bulldog: Hey, Doc! Long week no see. Hope you haven't been avoiding me because I stole your chick. Frasier: Oh, Bruce and I are getting along splendidly! Roz: Yeah, I heard Bruce. What happened, the cockatoo want too much money? Frasier, unable to reply, smiles sardonically, and trades sarcastic goodbyes with Roz. Frasier: Bye, Roz. Roz: So long, Frasier. He just closes the door behind him when who should he run into but Gil Chesterton. Gil: Oh, a moment, Frasier, please! I'm sure word has reached your ear already about the frutti de mare party I'm throwing to celebrate our fair city's great bounty from the sea. Frasier: Yes, yes. I'd love to come. Gil: Well, aye, there's the rub! You see, I've already invited Roz. With this rift between you two, well, the tension in the air will be thicker than my cioppino! Frasier: Well, Gil, I'm sure that rift will soon be over. Before long, Bulldog will prove that all he's wanted all along is just to get his hands on Roz. He looks into the booth. Frasier: Ooh... in fact that moment may have arrived. He peers eagerly into the booth to see Roz bending down to pick up some papers she's dropped. Frasier: Look, she's bending over! Oh turn around, Bulldog! Gil: Oh, yes! Isn't that what golfers refer to as "teeing it up?" Frasier: [excitedly] Alright, he moves in... and he... [dejectedly] ...helps pick up the papers! Gil: Oh, I'm so sorry, Frasier. I too entertained hopes for low comedy. Bulldog starts his show, with Roz in the producer's booth. Bulldog: Attention, sports fans! [blows a whistle and hits his gong] You're back in the doghouse with Bulldog Briscoe! He barks twice, and Roz meows like a cat. Bulldog: Let's talk football, Sunday's lock: Broncos over the Raiders. Easy money, huh, Roz? Roz: Yeah, right! And men just want to cuddle. L.A. humiliated Denver last month! Bulldog: Wh-Wh-What? Hey, do I tell you how to cook and clean? Denver's doo! It's a complete no-brainer. Roz: Well then, it's right up your alley! She toots a horn at Bulldog defiantly. Frasier and Gil lean back from the window. Gil: You know, I'm no sports fan - but they really are quite delicious together. Frasier: Yes well, enjoy it while you can. Bulldog can't keep his libido in check forever. Gil: [condescendingly] Well, of course you're right. And then Roz will come crawling back to you. Frasier: Yes. In the meantime, I have to find someone halfway competent to produce my show. How hard could that be? RUN: Frasier's question is answered by the short scene that follows - it is a montage of all the candidates Frasier auditions for the job of Producer, and is set to the song, "They Call Me Mr. Pitiful." Frasier is seated in his booth in various stages of distress and disarray as the following people inhabit Roz's usual dominion: - an old lady who smokes so much Frasier can barely see her through the haze; - a lady who obviously has a fetish for cats, having decorated the entire studio with pictures of cats and the control panel with a real live cat; - an EXTREMELY well-endowed blonde who is greatly distracting when she bends over; - an over-worked neurotic who gets too stressed by all the calls coming in, and eventually throws up his hands in despair; - and finally, an old man (Ed) who seems to have fallen dead asleep in his chair. Frasier is suitably worried. He removes his head- phones and gets up, slinging his coat over his shoulder. His shirt is un-tucked... something we don't often get to see in a well-groomed man like Frasier. [SCENE_BREAK] NILES MEETS THE GOATBOY Scene Five - Café Nervosa Niles and Frasier are standing at the counter, having coffee. Niles: You think you had a bad week? This morning, Maris and I woke to the sound of our gardener, Yoshi, hacking his way through our prize topiary! Frasier: Well Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted into the shapes of animals. Niles: Well, we're both animal lovers. But Maris is unable to have pets. She, she distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally. Anyway, there was Yoshi, drunk as a lord, swinging his hedge-trimmer recklessly over his head. Before we could calm him, he had transformed Maris's prize stallion into some sort of obscene... goat-boy. The poor woman is inconsolable. Frasier: Well, thank you, Niles. You've been a great deal of help. There are worse things than seeing one's career go down the toilet - I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes. Niles: It's always about you, isn't it? Frasier: Well, I'm sorry! But I'm just the slightest bit panicky that I'm never going to get Roz back! I've been waiting for weeks for Bulldog to make his move, and against all natural laws, he hasn't! At this point, Daphne enters the café, talking to Martin over her shoulder. Daphne: Come along! [seeing the two brothers] Oh! Hello! I thought we might run into you two here. Martin: Yeah! Daphne and I have been out buying shoes. [to Niles] Oh, not that I don't appreciate the ones that you bought me, but... I thought I'd save those for special occasions, when only tassels will do. But hey, get a load of these! He turns and walks a few steps off, showing he's now wearing new sneakers, with little pressure-activated blinkers in the heels. Martin: They light up when I walk away! Frasier: Doesn't everyone? Daphne: Well, I see Mr. Congeniality here is still spreading sunshine wherever he goes. Frasier remains standing while Martin and Daphne sit at a table. Niles: Apparently things didn't go very well on his show today. Martin: Oh, really? Well, you know these things go in cycles. I mean, take Bulldog's show - he's just had one great show after another lately. Frasier: Hmm... what could be your point, Dad? I'm having trouble reading between the lines. Martin: If you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd apologize to Roz, get her back on the show, and everybody'd be happy. Frasier: As usual, you're overlooking a key psychological component in this whole issue. Martin: You'd have to admit you were wrong. Frasier: Exactly! Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong. Frasier: You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard! Whenever I'm wrong... the world makes a little less sense. Niles: Frankly, I don't understand why you want her back at all. She's pushy and opinionated. Frasier: Niles, don't you think you're being just the slightest bit sexist? What's labeled "pushy" in a woman is called "assertiveness" in a man. Gone are the days when women were shunted aside to bat their eyelashes prettily and say nothing. Daphne: I quite agree. Frasier: [dismissively] Oh Daphne, please, I can handle this. Daphne: Well, you've certainly handled it well enough so far! If you ask me, it's time you get off your high horse, buy Roz some flowers and beg her forgiveness. And don't be afraid to get your knees a little dusty. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not quite ready to swallow my pride. Frasier turns to leave, and runs into his most recent producer, Ed, who is passing by. Ed: Next time, wake me when the show's over. As Ed leaves, Frasier's look of consternation shows just how close he is to the end of his rope. [N.B. The actor who plays Ed appears again briefly in Everyone's A Critic.] [SCENE_BREAK] YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD BULLDOG NEW TRICKS Scene Six - Roz's apartment Roz and Bulldog are up late, sitting at her dining table and working together on the program for his upcoming shows. Bulldog: All right, Wednesday we've got the NFL Picks. Then at the end of the show we do the "boner of the week." Roz: No, we can't do that. Bulldog: This is why I hate you. You are always trying to change my tried-and-true format. Why can't we do it? Roz: Because I got you an interview with Wayne Gretsky. Bulldog: [annoyed] See, Way... [realizes] Wayne Gretsky? Roz: Mmm-hmm. Bulldog: [ecstatic] Wayne Gretsky! [hits the counter] THIS IS AWESOME! THIS IS TOTAL BRILLIANCE! [flings up his arms] THIS IS... [winces] a pinched nerve. Ah, ah, ah! It's an old football injury. I got my head rammed into a locker when I tried to interview Mike Ditka. Ahh! Roz: Here, let me help you with that. Roz stands behind him and massages his neck. Bulldog: Ah, this is great. I can't believe it. Wayne Gretsky, the great one. Aah... Roz, you are the great one. You are some kind of producer. Roz: Thanks. I'm having a great time. I owe you, Bulldog. I owe you big. At those words, Bulldog's face twists into a diabolical, self-satisfied grin - which Roz, being behind him, fails to notice. Roz: You know, I never would have thought this a couple of weeks ago, but you and I have great chemistry together, don't we? Bulldog: Uh-huh. I like chemistry. I flunked it, but I like it. You got any of that, uh... Wild Turkey left? Roz: Yeah, sure. She disappears into the kitchen. Roz: [o.s.] You know, I got to be honest with you, Bulldog. When we first started working together, I never thought it would turn out like this! Did you? Bulldog: All along. He rips off his shirt without bothering with the buttons, and takes off his jeans. He's now wearing only shorts. Bulldog: Hey uh, Roz, you'd better make mine a double. I'm a double kind of guy. He has picked up a bag and is now taking out his "equipment." As she speaks, he places a vase with a single red rose on the end table next to Roz's bed, followed by a red candle. Roz: Uh-uh! You're only going to get a little. There's a lot I want to do tonight, and I want you to keep up with me. Bulldog: Yeah, well, uh... He takes a long white feather out of his bag and ponders where to put it for a while, then sticks it in his shorts. Bulldog: All I ask is that you give me a couple of twenty-minute breaks. He takes out a boom box and starts to play some music. Roz: What's that? Bulldog: I uh... I thought a little music might be, uh, might be nice. He has a handful of rose petals which he begins to sprinkle liberally around the room. He turns down the bed covers and throws more petals down on the bed as he climbs over it back to his bag. Roz: Can you concentrate with that on? Bulldog: Oh yeah, yeah! Actually uh, I find uh... He unscrews a bottle of perfume and smears it across his bare chest. Bulldog: ...the distraction helps me. He takes out a kitchen lighter - the kind one uses to ignite stoves - and then pulls out a pair of handcuffs. He studies them for a moment. Bulldog: Nah... second date. Don't be pushy. [he drops the handcuffs] This is great, Roz... us working like this. He flicks on the lighter and lights the candle, then begins to heat up the rose petals on the bed, both to create an atmosphere of warmth as well as to make the roses' scent stronger. Bulldog: Hey, uh... did you and the Doc ever end up working... He accidentally sets the feather stuck in his shorts on fire, and he rips it out, throws it to the ground and stomps on it. Roz: What? Bulldog: Did you and the Doc ever, uh... end up working like this? Roz: Oh yeah. We tried it once, but he complained I talked too much. Satisfied with his impromptu decoration of the place, he flops back onto the bed, waiting for Roz. Bulldog: Oh, yeah? I would have figured you for a screamer. Roz comes out of the kitchen at last with two glasses of bourbon - and lets forth a truly delightful SCREAM. She drops both glasses. Roz: What the hell are you doing in my bed?! Get out! She picks a pillow up off the bed and starts thumping him with it. Roz: Get out! I asked you over here to WORK, you disgusting pervert! Bulldog: [stands up, half on the bed, half on the floor] Hey-hey-hey! You're going to have to slow down! I'm getting some mixed signals here. Roz throws the pillow down, rushes to the end table and blows out the candle. She then switches off the boom box, and gathers Bulldog's clothes up off the floor. She dashes over to the window and opens it. Bulldog: What are you doing?! Roz: Is this clear enough for you? She flings his clothes out the window. Bulldog: Hey are you crazy? My wallet's in there! Roz: Get out! Now! Yanking open the door, she does not see Frasier standing behind it, about to knock. He is holding a large bouquet of flowers - obviously he has decided to come groveling back. How fortuitous! Bulldog: Get out of my way, Doc. He exits. Roz notices Frasier and covers her face with her hand. Roz: [embarrassment and despair] Oh...! Frasier: [with quiet triumph] I'm listening. [SCENE_BREAK] We are back at KACL. The old man is fast asleep in the producer's booth again, but this time he is producing Bulldog's show. Bulldog, in his own booth, tries to get his attention - first by saying "Hey" twice into the microphone, then tapping the mike with his drumstick. When neither action works, he blows on his whistle... but that doesn't work either. He hammers against the glass partition with his drumstick. No reaction. Removing his head phones, he picks up a horn and storms over to the producer's booth, and starts tooting the horn into the man's ear. The man remains dead asleep. Finally, Bulldog checks his pulse - it appears he IS dead.
doc_50
Karen: So do you want to see it or not? Jim: I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds... Karen: Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic. Jim: Agoraphobic? Karen: Yeah. Jim: Really? Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend. Jim: Absolutely correct. Kevin: Later, Jim. Jim: Kev, have a good weekend. Karen: Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up. Jim: Here we go... Karen: ...and we're gonna go to dinner. Jim: Ok... Karen: And then we're gonna go to the movies. Jim: Sounds good. Roy: Hey Halpert! Jim: Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim] Pam: ROY! Karen: [shrieks] Pam: Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy] Roy: [screams in pain] Ahh God! Dwight: Pam, please call security! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No need for consternation, everything is under control. Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office! Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled. Jan: [sigh] Is Toby there? Michael: No... Toby: I'm... here, Jan. Jan: Ok, what... what is the situation Toby? Toby: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company. Jan: Thank God. Toby: Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his... Michael: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage. Jan: All right, well are you gonna take care of this? Michael: Yeppers. Jan: What did I tell you about "yeppers?" Michael: I don't... remember. Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that? Michael: Yeesh... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It sucked. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you. Dwight: Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded. Jim: Okay. Um... Got you something. Dwight: Don't want it. Jim: You don't know what it is. Dwight: Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up. Kevin: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight. Oscar: It was crazy. Angela: You saw it? Describe it please. Oscar: Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero. Angela: Oh... Oscar: It was insane! Angela: [flustered] Well... good for Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you. Jim: Where'd you get that? Michael: Wikipedia. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise. Jim: Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise. Michael: Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish] Jim: I can't hear you. Michael: What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish] Jim: Still nothin'. Michael: Ok, see what I did? Jim: No. Michael: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position. Jim: Nice. Michael: Ok, let's try another one. Um... Jim: Okay. Michael: Walking out of the room unexpectedly. Jim: And what happens in this one? Michael: It's a surprise. Jim: Okay. Michael: Go ahead, ask me for a raise. Jim: Can I have a raise? Michael: [gets up and begins to walk out of the room] Jim: [softly] s*x, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher. Michael: What? Jim: What? Michael: No, what did you say? Jim: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened. Michael: Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place. Toby: Which is where? Dwight: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end. Toby: Thanks Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. Ryan: I can't imagine what I would have done. Kelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed. Ryan: Well that was funny, that's why. Kelly: Oh it was? Ryan: Mm-hmm. Kelly: Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night... Ryan: Okay. Kelly: ...and you call me, to calm you down... Ryan: You know what? I didn't--- Toby: Can you stop... Kelly: ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not. Toby: There's a bunch of people back here, maybe... Ryan: Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night... Toby: Guys... Kelly: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you! [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [knock on door] Yeah. Darryl: You ready for me? Michael: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat. Darryl: Cool. Michael: You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room. Darryl: Okay. Michael: No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [long pause] I am declining to speak first. Darryl: Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now. Michael: Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now. Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Michael: What? Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants. Michael: No, this is a power suit. Darryl: That there's a woman's suit. Michael: [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again. Darryl: I'ma call Roy, man. Michael: Ohh... kay. Darryl: This is gonna make him feel better. Michael: All right. Darryl: This is too good. Michael: Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit? Pam: Oh my God, that's a woman's suit! Kevin: You're wearing a woman's suit? Michael: No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Who makes it? Michael: Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery. Phyllis: Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining? Michael: Okay. Phyllis: Did you see... Michael: Would you stop it, please? Jim: So, none of that tipped you off? Michael: It's European, OK? It's a European cut. Pam: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets. Michael: No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam] Pam: [Laughing, covering her mouth] Michael: Italians don't wear pockets. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? Michael: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway. Darryl: Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton. Michael: Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes. Darryl: Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman? Karen: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you. Stanley: You must have been scared out of your mind. Karen: Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared. Angela: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story. Karen: Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry. Angela: Mm-hmm. Karen: And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. Angela: [flustered] Goodness. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise. Darryl: Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise. Michael: [mumbles jibberish] Darryl: What? I can't hear you. Michael: [mumbling softly] That was a very good point. Darryl: I can't--- what, Mike? Are you--- Michael: [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Sorry I almost got you killed. Jim: Yeah, that was nuts. Pam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right? Jim: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection. Pam: Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now. Jim: We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday. Pam: Jim... I am really... sorry. Jim: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me. Darryl: Why can't I just... tell you? Michael: Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide--- slide it, yes. Darryl: There you go. Michael: Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious. Darryl: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want. Michael: I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much. Darryl: Come on, be for real Mike. Michael: I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub. Darryl: [laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this? Michael: Plus perks, yes. Darryl: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs] Michael: Fourteen years. Darryl: Ho-ho! Michael: No, please, please... Darryl: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs] Michael: Ok, let's take 15, again. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something. Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer? Jim: Boy I--- Dwight: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating. Karen: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks. Jim: Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do? Karen: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you. Michael: Oh, thank you. Kevin: Yeah. I heard you might need it. So... Creed: Here's the $40 you gave me. Michael: I didn't give you $40. Creed: In a way you did. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up] Michael: Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia. Darryl: What? Michael: I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise. Darryl: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss. Michael: Well what am I supposed to do? Darryl: Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son. Michael: I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous. Darryl: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we're shippin' more now than we ever have. Michael: [exhales] That's true. Darryl: Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship. Michael: You know what? I should. Darryl: Yeah, you should. Michael: I have been a loyal employee for a long time. Darryl: Fourteen years long. Michael: You know what? I deserve a bump. Darryl: Make it happen, cap'in. Michael: I am makin' it happen, sergeant. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter--- Angela: You're useless. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends? Michael: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today. Jan: Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five? Michael: Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away. Jan: Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present. Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl. Jan: Da--- Darryl from the warehouse? Michael: Mm-hm. Jan: No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby. Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself. Jan: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep... Michael: [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known. Jan: ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it. Michael: [sighs] Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: You are so mean. Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about. Kelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid. Ryan: No, I said your idea was stupid. Michael: Toby, come on. Let's go. Toby: Where? Michael: Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go. Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Toby: Alright. Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor. Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane? Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now? [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Comfortable, Mike? Michael: Yeah. Fine. Darryl: How about you, man. Comfortable? Toby: No. Michael: [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way. Darryl: Thank you. Michael: Well... Darryl: I haven't been to New York in a long time. Michael: Mm, the Big Apple. Darryl: Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there. Toby: How would we get home? Darryl: Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place. Michael: Maybe I'll stay. Darryl: Mm, it's not that big. Michael: Well... Darryl: Busses, though. They get you home quick. Michael: [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I... [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like "No!" Angela: Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings] Kelly: You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams... [SCENE_BREAK] Hunter: Hey guys, Jan is ready for you. Darryl: Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you. Michael: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. Darryl: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me Michael: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: [to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions "Don't worry about it"] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something? Pam: I don't know. Roy: Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly] Kevin: [as Roy is walking out] Jim--- Roy--- Look out! Jim: Thanks, Kev. I'm good though. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay. Michael: Who's the boy toy? Jan: That's my new assistant. Michael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek? Jan: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant? Michael: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers. Toby: Hi, Jan. Jan: Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First--- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear? Michael: Pippity poppity. Jan: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise. Michael: Six percent? After all we've been through? Jan: Oh, God. Michael: I got you... jade earrings. Jan: Michael--- Michael: No! Jan: Michael--- Michael: No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more s*x. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball? Toby: Just preparing for the deposition. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold s*x from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong. Pam: I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices. Roy: So you gonna start datin' Halpert then? Pam: Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend. Roy: Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy. Pam: No, there were a lot of reasons. Roy: But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam. Pam: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What's this? Jim: What's what? Dwight: Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute" Jim: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor. Dwight: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap. Jim: [under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me! Jan: Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere. Michael: Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere. Jan: Ok, Toby, how about if you... Toby: Sure. Jan: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: What's wrong with you? Michael: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I--- Jan: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15. Michael: Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make--- Jan: No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay? Michael: Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise. Jan: No. But we can offer you 12. Michael: But you just said 15. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having s*x with Jan-- Jan: Michael! [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: So you and Bob are looking at a historical house? Phyllis: Mm-hmm, near the river. Stanley: Mm, how many bedrooms? Phyllis: Four. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading. Dwight: Really? Angela: Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery. Dwight: Mm, good stuff. Angela: Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together. Dwight: Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD! Dwight: No need to thank me. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono.
doc_51
RESURRECTION OF THE DALEKS BY: ERIC SAWARD Part One Running time: 46:24 [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: Which way? GALLOWAY: Does it matter? MAN: Where are we? MAN: Run! STIEN: Where've they gone? GALLOWAY: Where'd you think. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] LYTTON: That was a shambles. TROOPER: The escape was prevented? LYTTON: They got out of the warehouse. It should never have happened. And who ordered the use of machine pistols? TROOPER: Standing orders. Nothing anachronistic is to be taken to Earth. LYTTON: So instead we slaughter valuable specimens. Next time, stun lasers are to be used. TROOPER: It was an unfortunate mistake. LYTTON: Make it your last, otherwise the next execution squad will be coming for you. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Are you all right? DOCTOR: I can't free the TARDIS from the Time Corridor! TEGAN: Is there anything you can do? DOCTOR: No, too much turbulence. Hold on. Things must stabilise soon. [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: What if they're still in there, waiting? GALLOWAY: We must warn our own people. [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: Use the Time Corridor? GALLOWAY: You said you were a soldier. Have you no sense of loyalty? STIEN: I'm a Quartermaster Sergeant. I'm not combat trained. I can't afford your sort of principles. Look at me, I'm not exactly in condition. I can't even run properly. GALLOWAY: You're pathetic. STIEN: That too. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Doctor, we're weaving in time. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I know. TEGAN: Can't we materialise? TURLOUGH: No, not until we're free of the Time Corridor. We risk break-up. TEGAN: Is that true? DOCTOR: Not if I have anything to do with it. TEGAN: Oh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] GALLOWAY: They've gone. STIEN: They could have closed the Time Corridor down. Let's get out of here. I'm scared. GALLOWAY: The entrance to the corridor is round here somewhere. STIEN: There's nothing there now. What was that? GALLOWAY: A rodent. STIEN: Wearing combat boots? GALLOWAY: Back to the stairs, quick. [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: Can you see anything? GALLOWAY (OOV.): Get out of here! STIEN: Galloway? STIEN: Galloway! STIEN: Oh, Galloway. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What are we waiting for? DOCTOR: The right moment. The time stress on the TARDIS varies greatly. I'm waiting for the right moment to break out of the Time Corridor. TEGAN: Can I get to my room? I feel sick. DOCTOR: Too late, Tegan. Hold on. DOCTOR: Hold on! [SCENE_BREAK] TROOPER: Check list completed. All systems functioning. LYTTON: Raise the force shield. All troopers to battle stations. Battle speed! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Doctor, I can't stand much more. DOCTOR: Hold on. DOCTOR: We're free. TURLOUGH: Is it over? DOCTOR: For the moment. Are you all right? TEGAN: Yes, I think so. [SCENE_BREAK] MERCER: I don't believe this. How long has the station been in this state? STYLES: Since regular inspections ceased. MERCER: This place is falling to pieces. STYLES: Huh. And you're seeing it on a good day. If you wanted to see everything spick and span, you shouldn't have asked for a transfer to a prison. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] MERCER: How'd you cope with that mess? STYLES: By ignoring it. My only concern is the medical welfare of the crew and the prisoner. MERCER: Isn't that rather a narrow view of your responsibilities? STYLES: Oh, do shut up, will you? It's the only way to stay sane. You've only been here three days. You know nothing. MERCER: I've been here long enough to learn that the morale on this station is appalling. STYLES: If the Captain doesn't care, why should I? MERCER: Why, indeed? STYLES: Look, my tour of duty finishes here in eight weeks. I'm dependent on a good report from the Captain for my next promotion. MERCER: I see. STYLES: Oh no, I don't think you do. If I don't get a good report, I could be here for another two years. MERCER: If Control were aware of the morale on this station, the Captain wouldn't be in command. STYLES: It's been tried before, usually by inexperienced new boys like you. And the way you're carrying on, you are going to end up exactly like the others. MERCER: Meaning? STYLES: Dead. You are the third security officer we've had here in two years. [/i] [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Doctor, we're travelling parallel to the Time Corridor. TEGAN: Where are we going? TURLOUGH: Twentieth century Earth, it seems. [SCENE_BREAK] OSBORN: How long is your tour of duty? MERCER: Two years. OSBORN: Oh? The Captain normally allows new arrivals to settle in before subjecting them to the tedium of Officer of the Watch. What did you do? MERCER: I complained. OSBORN: Someone should have warned you. MERCER: I had every right. Have you seen the state of the defence system? OSBORN: You fear an attack? MERCER: That's not the point. OSBORN: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. The only ship we ever see around here is our own supply vessel. CREWMAN: I think you may have spoken too soon. Sensors have picked up a ship in warp drive just enter the exclusion zone. MERCER: Inform the Captain. OSBORN: I wouldn't bother him. Not yet. It could be anything. Let the fighters check it out first. MERCER: What? OSBORN: They'll be grateful for the practice. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Have you calculated where we are? DOCTOR: Well, the instruments are still affected by turbulence, but I think it's 1984, London. Found it! TURLOUGH: Doctor, where are you going? DOCTOR: The Time Corridor. I want to find out what all this is about. [SCENE_BREAK] OSBORN: Fighter leader has made visual contact. It's a battle cruiser! MERCER: Go to Red Alert. Inform the Captain. CREWMAN: Sensors report we're being scanned, sir. MERCER: Red Alert at once! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Such neglect. A hundred years ago this place would have been bustling with activity. TEGAN: It might be again when we find out who's operating the Time Corridor. DOCTOR: Come on. Trouble with you, Tegan, you have no imagination. TEGAN: That's because I can't get worked up about a load of crumbling brickwork. [SCENE_BREAK] MERCER: Operate the deflector shield. CREWMAN: Power building. MERCER: Seal airlocks. OSBORN: The battle cruiser has attacked the fighters. MERCER: Can we give them any supporting fire? OSBORN: No, not at the moment. CREWMAN: All but airlock three is sealed. MERCER: Alert maintenance. CREWMAN: We've been hit! MERCER: What's happening? OSBORN: Engineering report. MERCER: What's happening? OSBORN: Engineering report damage to the generating plant. CREWMAN: Cruiser's closing in, sir. OSBORN: I've lost contact with the fighters. MERCER: Open fire. I said, open fire! CREWMAN: I can't! We don't have enough power for the laser cannon. We are defenceless. CREWMAN: Look, we should surrender! MERCER: No! OSBORN: But we can't fight. We don't even have a deflector shield. STYLES: Mercer! How much longer is this slaughter to continue? MERCER: Where's the Captain? STYLES: Dead, along with half the crew. OSBORN: Battle cruiser preparing to dock. MERCER: Which airlock? OSBORN: Three. Maintenance team's still working on it. MERCER: I want every available man down there. Block the corridor with anything they can find. STYLES: More killing? MERCER: Your bile would be better directed against the enemy, Doctor. STYLES: How long before they dock? MERCER: Three minutes. We'd better go down to the airlock. STYLES: Right. MERCER: Should we be boarded, destroy the prisoner. OSBORN: Good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: Don't come in here. Soldiers. DOCTOR: What? DOCTOR: He'll be all right. TEGAN: Look at the way he's dressed. DOCTOR: He must have come down the Time Corridor. STIEN: You've got to help me. DOCTOR: What happened? [SCENE_BREAK] MERCER: Check how much longer the maintenance crew will be. STYLES: Right. MERCER: The cruiser's docked. STYLES: The cruiser's docked. MERCER: Get the shield down! STYLES: Come on, pull! STYLES: Pull! [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: I must rest. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since yesterday. DOCTOR: Who's controlling the Time Corridor? STIEN: I don't know. Have you got anything to eat? TEGAN: Where are you from? STIEN: Earth, but not all the prisoners are from the same period. Are you sure you haven't got anything to eat? DOCTOR: Relax. I'm going into the warehouse. STIEN: No! I told you, there are soldiers. DOCTOR: Perhaps they can tell us what's going on, hmm? [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: The Time Corridor's on the next level. Be careful. [SCENE_BREAK] MERCER: Wait until I give the order. CREWMAN 2: Okay. MERCER: Fire! STYLES: Now. Now! DALEK: Under attack. Withdraw. Regroup. DALEK 2: Under attack. DALEK: Withdraw. DALEK 2: Withdraw. DALEKS: Withdraw. Withdraw. Withdraw. [SCENE_BREAK] DALEKS (OOV.): Regroup. LYTTON: Fools! I told you this would happen. They mined the corridor. BLACK: We do not want excuses. The attack must continue. LYTTON: Only this time, as I planned. DALEK: You will show more respect for the Supreme Dalek. LYTTON: Your battle tactics won't work. Their position is too strong. BLACK: You may proceed. We shall try your plan. But should you fail, you will be exterminated. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Dark, isn't it. DOCTOR: Look around. STIEN: I can't see Galloway's body. TEGAN: Look, Doctor. Bullets. DOCTOR: Recently fired. TEGAN: Hardly alien. DOCTOR: Why advertise who you are, hmm? TEGAN: Where's Turlough? DOCTOR: Turlough? TEGAN: Where's he gone? DOCTOR: Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] ARCHER: Did you hear that? CALDER: No, sir. ARCHER: I thought I heard voices. [SCENE_BREAK] STYLES: How long before they try again? MERCER: Soon. STYLES: Can't we board, take the fight to them? MERCER: I think not. MERCER: Fire! MERCER: Masks down! Masks down! [SCENE_BREAK] MERCER: Move it! We're finished. It's every man for himself. CREWMAN: Oh, no, every man for himself? MERCER: Destroy the prisoner. OSBORN: It's not working! Come with me. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Turlough! ARCHER: May I help you, gentlemen? This is private property. DOCTOR: Er, yes, I'm sorry about this. A friend of mine wandered in here by mistake, and we're looking for him. ARCHER: I don't see him. LAIRD: What's going on? ARCHER: Precisely what I'm trying to find out. [SCENE_BREAK] OSBORN: Come on, come on! [SCENE_BREAK] TROOPER: The bridge has been secured, sir. LYTTON: Good. We must join them. DALEK: The Doctor has been detained in the warehouse. BLACK: Despatch a Dalek. He must be brought to our ship at once. DALEK: I obey. [SCENE_BREAK] OSBORN: Oh, does nothing work properly? OSBORN: Try here. What's that smell? MERCER: Well, it can't be the prisoner. [SCENE_BREAK] ARCHER: Time Corridors. Alien beings. Really. STIEN: You may not believe us but all we need is a minute or two more. The entrance to the Time Corridor is on this level, somewhere. DOCTOR: Interesting. You don't disbelieve us, do you? ARCHER: Of course I disbelieve you. I've never heard such nonsense. DOCTOR: What have you discovered? ARCHER: Nothing. Take them away. LAIRD: Tell them, Colonel. They've guessed most of it already. ARCHER: Are you from the Press? DOCTOR: What have you found? ARCHER: Quiet. DOCTOR: Tell me! Alien objects? ARCHER: You'd better inform HQ about what's happened. CALDER: Okay, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] OSBORN: Right, explosive charges primed. What is that smell? OSBORN: Keep back! MERCER: Help me! OSBORN: Stay away! MERCER: What's happening to me? TROOPER: Disarmed. LYTTON: Release Davros. [SCENE_BREAK] CALDER: It's heavy static. Can't get through to HQ. DOCTOR: A side effect of the Time Corridor. ARCHER: Be quiet. ARCHER: Who's that? DOCTOR: Don't harm her, please. She's a friend. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Sorry, Doctor. Look! ARCHER: What is it? DOCTOR: A Dalek. Take cover! DALEK: Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! [SCENE_BREAK] LAIRD: Where did they come from? STIEN: The Time Corridor. LAIRD: From the ship you were on? STIEN: Must be. LAIRD: What do they want? TEGAN: I hope we never find out. DOCTOR: Aim for the eyepiece, the stalk at the top of the dome. DALEK: My vision is impaired. I cannot see. My vision is impaired. I cannot see. DOCTOR: Quickly! DALEK: I cannot see. My vision is impaired. I cannot see. Warning. Warning. DOCTOR: Open the door! DALEK: I cannot see! I cannot see! Warning! Emergency! DOCTOR: Stand clear! LAIRD: She's all right. We should get her downstairs. DOCTOR: While you're doing that, I'd like a hand with the debris outside. [SCENE_BREAK] DALEK: The Dalek sent to the warehouse has been destroyed. BLACK: How is that possible? DALEK: The Doctor was aided by the Earth soldiers. BLACK: Seal the warehouse terminal of the Time Corridor. We will deal with the Doctor in due course. [SCENE_BREAK] STYLES: Where precisely are we going? MERCER: Keep your mask down. There could still be gas around. STYLES: So what. I'd rather die quickly than painfully of dehydration. Exactly how much longer are we going to wander around this place? MERCER: Look, as far as we know, there are only four of us still alive. We can't fight the Daleks alone. STYLES: Only minutes ago you were prepared to fight till the bitter end. MERCER: And look where it got me. A dead crew. STYLES: Then don't let it be for nothing. MERCER: What can we do? STYLES: Have you forgotten? This station has a self-destruct system. [SCENE_BREAK] TROOPER: He's very still. Is he dead? LYTTON: I think not. [SCENE_BREAK] CALDER: Soon be ready. LAIRD: We could all do with something a bit stronger. How's your friend upstairs? CALDER: He's dead. DOCTOR: How is she? LAIRD: She's sleeping naturally. CALDER: Tea, sir? ARCHER: Thank you. DOCTOR: Who discovered these cylinders? CALDER: Builders. They're converting the warehouse into flats. Thought they were unexploded bombs. DOCTOR: Have you tried to open one? LAIRD: They haven't even scratched the casing. ARCHER: Do you think the Daleks have anything to do with this? DOCTOR: It would be an enormous coincidence if they didn't. [SCENE_BREAK] DAVROS: Who are you? LYTTON: Commander Lytton. DAVROS: Commander? My Daleks do not need troops. LYTTON: You'd still be in prison or dead if it weren't for my men. DAVROS: You speak as though my Daleks are no longer capable of war. LYTTON: A lot has happened during your imprisonment. DAVROS: The war with the Movellans is over? LYTTON: Yes, although casualties were very high. DAVROS: It is to be expected. LYTTON: I'm talking about Dalek casualties. DAVROS: Dalek casualties? LYTTON: They lost, Davros. They were totally defeated. [SCENE_BREAK] CALDER: Zero three to HQ. Zero three to HQ. Over. ARCHER: Keep trying. DOCTOR: You must get reinforcements. CALDER: Zero three to HQ. ARCHER: I can't conjure them out of the air. I have to find a telephone. LAIRD: I'll go. You're needed here. ARCHER: This is more than a military matter now. I have to speak to the Ministry of Defence. We'll need a massive troop involvement. CALDER: Zero three to HQ. Zero three to HQ. Over. DOCTOR: I'll come with you. ARCHER: You're the only one who knows anything about fighting Daleks. Your duty's here. [SCENE_BREAK] BLACK: He is a companion of the Doctor. DALEK: He should be destroyed. BLACK: He would be better used as bait. The Doctor is sentimental and emotional. He will come after the boy. This will aid the Dalek plan. Allow the boy to roam freely. [SCENE_BREAK] MERCER: We'll rest for a moment. STYLES: Don't you get funny ideas? I'd give anything for a glass of cool spring mountain water. MERCER: Quiet. Down! MERCER: Fire! STYLES: Careful. MERCER: Uniforms. STYLES: Uniforms. [SCENE_BREAK] LAIRD: Here, take these. It'll help your head. DOCTOR: I won't be long. I must get back to my ship. CALDER: Sir. DOCTOR: I must find Turlough. CALDER: Yes, I understand how you feel, sir, but I must ask you to wait till the Colonel gets back. DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. There is isn't time. Turlough's on board the Dalek ship. CALDER: I'm sure the Colonel won't be long. STIEN: Let him go. CALDER: I can't. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLDIER: Help! CALDER: Are you all right, lad? DOCTOR: Be careful. STIEN: I was terrified it was a Dalek. DOCTOR: It was, or at least, the remains of one. CALDER: He's still alive. DOCTOR: We have to find it before it tries to kill again. [SCENE_BREAK] LYTTON: You all right? DAVROS: There are malfunctions in my life-support system. I require an engineer. LYTTON: We must board the Dalek ship. DAVROS: I must remain close to my cryogenic chamber. It may be necessary for me to be refrozen. LYTTON: There is a time factor. The space station transmitted a distress call. DAVROS: It will take days for a task force to arrive. LYTTON: Not if the signal's been intercepted by a patrol ship. DAVROS: Then you will shoot it down! I cannot be moved. [SCENE_BREAK] BLACK: Order an engineer to attend Davros. DALEK: We should leave here at once. BLACK: Without Davros, we have no future. He must be made to believe that we serve him. [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: This is a waste of time. The mutant could have escaped using the Time Corridor. DOCTOR: True, so why are you being so tentative in your search? STIEN: We don't know for certain. DOCTOR: Precisely. That's why we're searching the warehouse. CALDER: What's it look like? DOCTOR: Oh, you won't mistake it. The moment you find it, it'll try and kill you. [SCENE_BREAK] ARCHER: Gentlemen, you've saved my life. I'm Colonel Archer, Bomb Disposal Squad. I have to make an urgent call. May I use your radio? ARCHER: Please? ARCHER: Thank you. It's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] DAVROS: Tell be about the Dalek defeat. LYTTON: You already know most of it. The Daleks and the Movellans were locked in an impasse. Each time their respective fleets attempted a stratagem, it was instantly anticipated and countered by their opponent's battle computer. DAVROS: Two totally logical war machines unable to out-think each other. Fascinating. If only I'd been there. LYTTON: Then the Movellans found the answer. KISTON: Sorry, sir. DAVROS: Quickly, tell me. LYTTON: They developed a virus which exclusively attacks the Daleks. The fleet was destroyed. Those who survived went to separate parts of the universe to escape the risk of further infection and work on a cure. DAVROS: Have they succeeded? LYTTON: Not yet. DAVROS: So, they have returned to their creator. Like an errant child, they have come home once more, but this time they will not abuse me. This time, I shall take my rightful place as their Supreme Being, and under my control, the Daleks shall once more become triumphant! LYTTON: Will you be able to find an antidote? DAVROS: Of course. LYTTON: A lot of research has already been done. DAVROS: I am Davros. The Daleks are my creation. If necessary, I shall genetically re-engineer them. Have you finished? KISTON: Almost, sir. DAVROS: I will need a laboratory. LYTTON: There is one already prepared for you. DAVROS: I shall work here, on the station. LYTTON: I've explained. There isn't time. DAVROS: I cannot risk an accident. If the virus were to escape on board the Dalek ship LYTTON: Every precaution has been taken. DAVROS: I work here! Or not at all. LYTTON: I'll see what can be arranged. DAVROS: Hurry. There is much work to be done. KISTON: I've finished, sir. DAVROS: Close the panel. [SCENE_BREAK] BLACK (OOV.): I order you to obey Davros. LYTTON: And what happens when the task force arrives from Earth? BLACK (OOV.): We shall be gone. I have a plan that will force Davros to leave of his own free will. Until then, you must supply him with everything he demands. Allow him access to the Space Station's laboratory. [SCENE_BREAK] KISTON: As you command. LYTTON: What happened? DAVROS: A small accident. LYTTON: Are you all right? KISTON: I caught my hand. It's nothing, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] STIEN: It isn't here. We haven't found the entrance to the Time Corridor, either. DOCTOR: Temporarily disconnected, I would think. CALDER: Doctor. STIEN: What is it? DOCTOR: Nothing, nothing. Go on with the search. STIEN: So much for the conqueror of the universe. I told you it had gone. STIEN: Is it dead? DOCTOR: Would you care to take a look? How is he? CALDER: It's more shock than physical. Come on, lad. Let's get you downstairs. Come on, you'll be all right. LAIRD: What happened? DOCTOR: The Dalek wasn't quite dead, I'm afraid. Here, take this. CALDER: Give us a hand with him. LAIRD: Of course. DOCTOR: We must get back to the TARDIS. I have to find the Dalek ship. STIEN: I'm not going back there. They'll kill me. DOCTOR: I need your help. STIEN: Help? Huh. You don't know how much of a coward I am. DOCTOR: Well, you can take this opportunity to show me. Come along. [SCENE_BREAK] MERCER: Kill him! STYLES: Wait. At least question him first. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What happened? What was that shooting? CALDER: A small problem with a Dalek. TEGAN: He'd be more comfortable over here. LAIRD: Stay where you are. CALDER: It looks superficial. LAIRD: As long as there isn't any poison in it. Well, it was caused by an alien. We don't know what infection may have entered his bloodstream. CALDER: The Colonel'll be back soon, then we get the pair of them to hospital. [SCENE_BREAK] DAVROS: Ninety years I was frozen in that. Ninety years of mind-numbing boredom. LYTTON: You were conscious? DAVROS: Every second. The creatures of Earth have no stomach for judicial murder. They prefer to leave you to slowly rot and die. They call it being humane. KISTON: Then you must be equally humane in your revenge. DAVROS: It is a planet I shall destroy at my leisure. But first, I must deal with a meddling Time Lord. LYTTON: That has been anticipated. DAVROS: You have the Doctor? LYTTON: His capture is imminent. DAVROS: Excellent! Once I have drained his mind of all knowledge, he shall then die slowly and painfully! He has interfered for the last time. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Yes, I know. STEIN: What? DOCTOR: It's bigger inside than out. STIEN: I'm going mad. Daleks, Time Corridors, now this. DOCTOR: Don't worry, soon be over. STIEN: Yes, but will I still be sane enough to know? [SCENE_BREAK] STYLES: Don't do that. MERCER: Hide your eyes if it offends you. STYLES: Look, even an idiot like you must realise that he doesn't know anything. MERCER: He's not a member of the crew. He must be with the Daleks. TURLOUGH: I've told you, I'm from Earth. MERCER: Then how did you get here? TURLOUGH: The Dalek's Time Corridor. MERCER: Do you believe that? STYLES: Why not? We know the Daleks are capable of time travel. MERCER: So we're letting him go. STYLES: No, but we're not going to wait here for the Daleks to find us, either. [SCENE_BREAK] CALDER: Any one want some tea? LAIRD: No, thanks. TEGAN: I'd much rather have the Colonel back. How much longer is he going to be? CALDER: Hey, where are you going, lad? Come on, you're excused duties. LAIRD: Are you all right? CALDER: Yeah. You stay there. TEGAN: What's all that about? [SCENE_BREAK] DALEK: Activate the exit to the Time Corridor. DALEKS: We obey. [SCENE_BREAK] CALDER: Come on, lad. Nothing to worry about. It's only Sergeant Calder. Colonel's gone for an ambulance. Then you'll be all right. DALEKS: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: That was gunfire. LAIRD: Quickly. We should get out of here. Quickly. ARCHER: There's nothing to worry about. [SCENE_BREAK] LYTTON: I'll inform him at once. Your laboratory is ready. DAVROS: Good. I will require the assistance of a chemist. LYTTON: Of course. DAVROS: And Kiston. He has proven to be a competent mechanical engineer. LYTTON: As you wish. DAVROS: Guards? LYTTON: An escort. There are still members of the crew still at large. It's purely a precaution. DAVROS: I am very difficult to kill. You should already know that. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: (quietly) That's not Colonel Archer. He gave the Doctor his gun belt, yet he's wearing one. ARCHER: What are you two whispering about? LAIRD: I was wondering when the ambulance for Tegan would arrive. ARCHER: That is in hand. TEGAN: And the reinforcements? ARCHER: That is a military matter and therefore confidential. LAIRD: I don't think we should wait for the ambulance. ARCHER: This warehouse is under martial law. Attempt to leave, and I'll have the pair of you shot. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That's it. I've located the Dalek ship. Now, I could drop you off at the warehouse when I collect Tegan. STIEN: I'll come with you. DOCTOR: Good man. [SCENE_BREAK] DALEK: The Doctor's TARDIS has been caught in the Time Corridor. BLACK: Prepare the duplication room. DALEK: I obey. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Turlough? DOCTOR: Turlough? Foolish boy. DOCTOR: Quickly, let's get out of here. STIEN: No, Doctor. DOCTOR: This is madness. The Daleks won't thank you for capturing me. They'll kill you. STIEN: I didn't quite tell you the truth. I serve the Daleks. I'm a Dalek agent. DALEKS: Exterminate the Doctor. Exterminate the Doctor. Exterminate the Doctor. Exterminate. Exterminate! Exterminate!
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113 - Le Morte d'Arthur "In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin." Forest Arthur's hunting party sneaks through the woods. ARTHUR: Merlin, spear. Merlin drops it on him. ARTHUR: Do you have any natural gifts, Merlin? MERLIN: No. Well, let me think. I'm not naturally rude or insensitive. ARTHUR: Just naturally irritating. They move forward and hear growling noises. Arthur catches Merlin's expression. ARTHUR: It's probably more scared of you than you are of it. Arthur signals to his knights where to go. Questing Beast jumps out at them. Arthur drops his spear and they all run. Merlin falls. Arthur and Sir Bedivere help him up. Bedivere subsequently falls and gets killed by the beast. MERLIN: Have we lost it? ARTHUR: Who's missing? MERLIN: Where's Sir Bedivere? SIR BEDIVERE: *scream* Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom GAIUS: The creature you describe has all the characteristics of the Questing Beast. ARTHUR: Surely that's a myth. GAIUS: According to the old books, the appearance of the Questing Beast is supposed to foreshadow a time of great upheaval. UTHER: Gaius, it's an old wives' tale. ARTHUR: Look, whatever it is, it's spreading panic. The people fear it will enter the city. UTHER: Then we must kill it. Arthur, gather the guard together. You ride at dawn. GAIUS: I beg you, Sire, do not dismiss this. The beast is an omen. I've seen it come before, the night your wife Ygraine passed away. UTHER: I've told you not to speak of that night again. I have conquered the Old Religion. It's warnings mean nothing to me now. Arthur will destroy the beast and we will no longer suffer at its hand. Gaius's Chambers GAIUS: This is no ordinary beast, Merlin. MERLIN: Don't worry. GAIUS: No, listen to me, you don't understand. Uther may not respect the Old Religion, but it is very real. To face a beast such as this, you must understand where it came from. MERLIN: What do you mean? GAIUS: At the very heart of the Old Religion lies the magic of life and death itself. The Questing Beast carries that power. One bite, you die, and there is no cure. Morgana's Chambers Morgana dreams of the dragon flaming, Merlin yelling "NO!", Arthur and Merlin running in the woods, Arthur lying sick in bed, and the Questing Beast. Morgana bolts up in bed screaming. GWEN: Morgana? Morgana?! Wake up. Gwen struggles with flailing Morgana. GWEN: Wake up, it's me! It's Gwen! Stop it! It was just another dream. MORGANA: It was terrifying. GWEN: Oh, it's going to be alright. Gwen hugs Morgana. Castle - Main Square Arthur speaks to his knights. ARTHUR: You've seen the foe we face. It's a creature of nightmare, but you are the best knights in the realm. We can, and we will, kill it before it harms another citizen of our kingdom. Arthur draws his sword. ARTHUR: For the love of Camelot! The knights draw swords. KNIGHTS: For the love of Camelot! Morgana rushes out of the palace in her nightgown, hysterical. MORGANA: Arthur! ARTHUR: Morgana, what are you doing? MORGANA: You cannot face this! Morgana tries to grab him, Arthur struggles with her. ARTHUR: Morgana, go back to bed. There is nothing to be afraid of. MORGANA: Please, Arthur. I have seen terrible things! You cannot go! MERLIN: She probably had a bad dream, Sire. I'll take her to see Gaius. MORGANA: No! I will not let you go! ARTHUR: Please, Merlin, get her inside. MORGANA: No! Arthur hands her off to Merlin and motions for the guards to come down. Merlin guides Morgana up the steps. MERLIN: I will make sure he's safe, My Lady. I promise. MORGANA: No! Merlin hands her off to the guards. MORGANA: No! Guards lead her inside. Forest Arthur and knights sneak through the woods. Arthur finds gigantic paw print. ARTHUR: Let's follow the trail. They hear growling and heavy footfalls. ARTHUR: Keep close. They find and enter beast's lair. Merlin and Arthur split from the rest. they hear hissing. MERLIN: What is it? ARTHUR: Shh! Questing Beast sneaks up on them. Arthur pushes Merlin out of the way and takes on the beast. The beast claws him in the chest, throwing him to the ground. It moves in on Arthur. Merlin tries to distract it by waving his torch. MERLIN: Hey! Hey! Merlin uses magic to pick up Arthur's dropped sword. MERLIN: Fléoge! Bregdan anwiele gefeluc! Merlin enchants the sword and magically throws it into the Questing Beast, killing it. Merlin goes to Arthur and shakes him. MERLIN: It didn't bite you. It didn't. Merlin sees blood on his hand. MERLIN: Arthur?! Somebody help me! Gaius's Chambers Merlin clears a table with one sweep. Guards place Arthur's stretcher on it. GAIUS: What's happened? Gaius looks at Arthur's wound. GAIUS: He's been bitten. MERLIN: I tried to save him. GAIUS: You must tell the King. MERLIN: There must be something you can do. GAIUS: I wish there was. MERLIN: I'll find a cure. GAIUS: Merlin! MERLIN: Trust me! Merlin bolts into his room. GAIUS: Can you hear me, Sire? MERLIN: Here. Merlin brings out magic book. GAIUS: The King'll be here any moment! MERLIN: He can't die. It is my destiny to protect him. We haven't done all the things we're meant to do. GAIUS: That is a lament of all men. MERLIN: Gaius, he's my friend. GAIUS: Then save him. Merlin uses magic to flip through the book. MERLIN: Gestathole. Nothing happens. Merlin flips through the book again. MERLIN: Thurhhaele. Nothing happens. MERLIN: Maybe the spells need time to take effect. GAIUS: The bite of the Questing Beast is a death sentence that no magic can overturn. UTHER: Where is the Prince?! Where is my son?! Uther enters. UTHER: Arthur! Merlin magically closes his magic book. UTHER: Do something, Gaius! GAIUS: I am trying, your majesty. MERLIN: Gaius will find a cure. He will not let him die. GAIUS: I will do everything in my power. Uther desperately picks up Arthur himself. UTHER: I'll bear him to his chamber. Castle - Main Square Uther walks through the Square with Arthur in his arms, Merlin and Gaius following. Uther collapses in his grief. Four knights come to bear Arthur inside as the King weeps on his knees. Morgana opens a window and watches the scene below. Dragon's Cave Merlin rushes to the Dragon's Cave. MERLIN: I have failed Arthur, failed in my destiny. KILGHARRAH: And yet, you would not be here if that were true. MERLIN: He was bitten by the Questing Beast. He's going to die. KILGHARRAH: Does he still breathe? MERLIN: Only just. KILGHARRAH: Then there is still time to heal him. MERLIN: I've tried. I cannot save him. KILGHARRAH: You do not know how to save him. MERLIN: But you can tell me how? KILGHARRAH: Perhaps. It will not be easy. MERLIN: I will do anything. KILGHARRAH: Anything? MERLIN: Please, just tell me what I have to do! KILGHARRAH: Very well. The Questing Beast is a creature conjured by the powers of the Old Religion. You must use the same ancient magic to save him. MERLIN: But the Old Religion died out centuries ago. KILGHARRAH: The Old Religion is the magic of the earth itself. It is the essence which binds all things together. It will last long beyond the time of men. MERLIN: But how can that help me save Arthur? KILGHARRAH: You must find those who still serve it. Those who hold dominion over life and death. MERLIN: Where? KILGHARRAH: Go to the place that men call the Isle of the Blessed, where the power of the ancients can still be felt. There you will discover Arthur's salvation. MERLIN: Thank you. Thank you. KILGHARRAH: And Merlin, the young Pendragon must live, no matter what the cost. Gaius's Chambers GAIUS: Merlin, you're back. I need your help. You must get this to Arthur to ease his passing. MERLIN: No. We have to save him. Merlin starts packing food. GAIUS: You've already tried. MERLIN: The beast comes from the Old Religion. The cure must come from there as well. GAIUS: There are not many left with such an art. MERLIN: You said yourself, the Old Religion is still alive, and there is an island beyond the White Mountains... GAIUS: No! MERLIN: The Isle of the Blessed...You know it? GAIUS: It was said to be the centre of the Old Religion, the focus of its power. MERLIN: Why did you keep this from me? GAIUS: Because it was too dangerous, Merlin. MERLIN: It's our only chance! I have to find it! GAIUS: And once you are there, what will you ask? MERLIN: For Arthur to be saved. GAIUS: The Questing Beast chose Arthur. That means the Old Religion has decided his fate. MERLIN: Then I will convince them to change their minds! GAIUS: It is not that simple! The High Priests have the power to mirror life and death, but there will be a price to pay. They will demand a life in return. Merlin, please, I beg of you. MERLIN: I'm sorry, Gaius. Whatever the price is, I will pay it gladly. Arthur lies dying in his bed. Castle - Gate Merlin prepares his horse to leave. Gaius approaches him. GAIUS: Here. Gaius hands Merlin rolled parchment. GAIUS: You'll need a map. And I'm going to give you this. My mother gave it to me. Merlin unwraps tiny package. GAIUS: It's a rabbit's foot. MERLIN: To keep you safe. GAIUS: It was said to protect you from evil spirits. It's rubbish. I don't believe in superstition. I don't know why I gave it to you. Gaius reaches to take it back. MERLIN: No. I want it. Thank you. (sigh) You've got to keep Arthur alive until I get back. Merlin mounts and rides off through the woods. Arthur's Chambers Arthur stirs in his fevered sleep. Uther watches him. UTHER: Shh. Sleep, Arthur. Countryside Merlin travels through the countryside with the map. KILGHARRAH (voiceover): You must travel to the place that men call the Isle of the Blessed. Beyond the White Mountains. Through the Valley of the Fallen Kings. To the north of the great seas of place name: Marador, you will find a lake. Arthur's Chambers Gaius is asleep in the chair next to Arthur's sick bed. Gwen enters and knocks on the door to wake Gaius. GWEN: Gaius? You should get some rest. GAIUS: He must not be left alone. GWEN: I will nurse him. Gaius leaves. Gwen takes the towel from Arthur's forehead, dips it in a bowl of water, and sits on the bed to tend to him. GWEN: You're not going to die, Arthur. I'm telling you. Because I know that one day you will be King. A greater king than you father could ever be. It's what keeps me going. You are going to live to be the man I've seen inside you, Arthur. I can see a Camelot that is fair and just. I can see a king that the people will love and be proud to call their sovereign. For the love of Camelot, you have to live. Arthur's Chambers A crowd gathers outside Arthur's window holding candles. Uther watches from the Griffin Landing window. Gaius comes up behind him. GAIUS: Is there anything I can get your majesty? UTHER: The people have begun to say goodbye. GAIUS: He's not yet gone, Sire. UTHER: But he will not recover. GAIUS: Not without a miracle. UTHER: I don't believe in miracles. Lake / Isle Of The Blessed Merlin approaches the lake, steps in a little boat. MERLIN: Astyre. The propels boat across the lake. Merlin steps out into the fortress on the island and looks around. MERLIN: Hello? NIMUEH: Hello, Merlin. MERLIN: You. NIMUEH: Do you know who I am? MERLIN: Nimueh. You can't be who the dragon meant. NIMUEH: And why is that? MERLIN: You tried to kill me. NIMUEH: Before I understood your importance. MERLIN: And Arthur. NIMUEH: Arthur was never destined to die at my hand, and now it seems I will be his salvation. MERLIN: So you know what I've come to ask? NIMUEH: Yes. MERLIN: Will you do it? NIMUEH: I do not have the power to mirror life itself and yet give nothing in return. MERLIN: I know that a price will be asked. NIMUEH: To save a life, there must be a death. The balance of the world must be restored. MERLIN: I willingly give my life for Arthur's. NIMUEH: How brave you are, Merlin. If only it were that simple. MERLIN: What do you mean? NIMUEH: Once you enter into this bargain, it cannot be undone. MERLIN: Whatever I have to do, I will do. His life is worth a hundred of mine. NIMUEH: The Cup of Life, blessed by centuries of powerful sorcerers so that it contains the very secret of life itself. If Arthur drinks water from the Cup, he will live. Merlin takes the Cup. NIMUEH: Tídrénas. Nimueh makes it rain on Merlin for a moment. Merlin collects the water in the Cup. Nimueh takes the Cup and pours the water into a small, decorative canteen. NIMUEH: The bargain is struck. I hope it pleases you. Merlin rides into Camelot the next morning. Gaius's Chambers GAIUS: Merlin! MERLIN: We need to give this to Arthur. Merlin hands Gaius the decorative canteen. GAIUS: What is it? MERLIN: Water drawn from the Cup of Life. If Arthur drinks from it, he will recover. Please hurry. Gaius begins to walk out, but stops and faces Merlin. MERLIN: What are you waiting for? GAIUS: What price did you pay to redeem his life? Whose life did you bargain?! MERLIN: We don't have time. GAIUS: Merlin! MERLIN: Don't worry, Gaius! Everything's going to be alright. Gaius and Merlin giving Arthur the water. Uther enters. UTHER: What are you doing, physician? What are you giving him? GAIUS: It's a... It's a tincture made from the lobelia plant, an ancient remedy for poisonous bites. UTHER: A cure? GAIUS: We hope. UTHER: Do you really think it will have some effect? GAIUS: It's our last resort, Sire. Perhaps you should allow him to rest. UTHER: I will not leave him. Gaius and Merlin exit. Uther sits by Arthur's bedside. Castle - Central Corridor Gaius and Merlin head down the corridor. Morgana grabs Merlin's arm and pulls him into an alcove. MORGANA: Please, Merlin, you must beware. This is only the beginning. Merlin pulls away and continues down the corridor. Arthur's Chambers Gaius paces in Arthur's Chambers, Uther sleeps hunched over the bed. Arthur wakes. Uther wakes. UTHER: Arthur. Arthur looks around and puts his head back down. Gaius's Chambers Gaius enters in his chambers where Merlin is pacing. GAIUS: The Prince lives. Arthur's Chambers UTHER: I thought we'd lost you. ARTHUR: Don't worry, Father, I'm not going to die. I think there's someone watching over me, keeping me from harm. UTHER: Maybe you're right. On your long journey to become King, you will need a guardian angel. I shall inform the court that their Prince lives. Gwen enters as Uther exits. she puts down the towels she's carrying and looks anxiously at Arthur. Arthur opens his eyes and turns to look at her. Gwen smiles in relief. GWEN: I knew it. I said you'd be alright. ARTHUR: I can remember you talking to me. GWEN: You can? ARTHUR: You stroked my forehead. GWEN: I was tending to your fever. ARTHUR: You never lost faith. GWEN: I was just talking. ARTHUR: Tell me again what you said? GWEN: I don't remember. ARTHUR: Yes, you do. GWEN: No, I don't. ARTHUR: Come on. Something about "the man I am inside." GWEN: No, I never said that. ARTHUR: Guinevere... GWEN: I have to get these washed, Sire. Gwen exits hurriedly with the dirty cloths. Arthur grins in amusement. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin's Chamber Merlin sits on his bed, waiting to die, while a thunderstorm whips through the night. A figure enters the Camelot on foot. A trembling diseased hand opens the door to the Physician's Chambers. We see Morgana bolting awake screaming. Morning comes and Merlin is still alive. He rushes out of his room. MERLIN: Gaius! I'm alive! Gaius is crouching over a collapsed figure on the floor. MERLIN: What is it? What's happened? GAIUS: Merlin, stay there! MERLIN: What's wrong? GAIUS: No, don't! Merlin walks over to see Hunith, covered in sores, struggling to breathe on the floor. MERLIN: Mother! HUNITH: Merlin. MERLIN: What's happened to her? GAIUS: She's gravely ill. MERLIN: Do something! GAIUS: If I could. MERLIN: Please, Gaius! GAIUS: Merlin, this is no ordinary illness. MERLIN: This cannot happen. GAIUS: Who did you meet at the Isle of the Blessed? MERLIN: Nimueh. GAIUS: Nimueh?! MERLIN: It was as you said. She demanded a price, but I bargained my life, not my mothers. GAIUS: Merlin. I wish there was something I could do. MERLIN: I will make you better. I will. Dragon's Cave MERLIN: You knew this would happen! You had me trade my mother's life for Arthur's! KILGHARRAH: You said you would do anything. MERLIN: Did you know my mother would die? KILGHARRAH: I knew the price would be a heavy one. MERLIN: But you sent me anyway. KILGHARRAH: We need Arthur to live. MERLIN: I'm not one of you! KILGHARRAH: We are both creatures of the Old Religion. It is the source of your power. MERLIN: What's that supposed to mean? KILGHARRAH: Your destiny is to protect the young Pendragon until he claims his crown. And when he does, magic can be returned to the realm. Only then will I be free. MERLIN: Oh. So that's all you cared about? I thought you were my friend. KILGHARRAH: I am more than that, Merlin. I am your kin. MERLIN: No. The only family I have is my mother, and you had me murder her. KILGHARRAH: Her life has not been taken in vain. We will achieve great things together, you and I. MERLIN: You will never be released! For what you've done, I'll make sure you never see the light. KILGHARRAH: Merlin! The Great Dragon breathes fire at him. MERLIN: Gescildan! Merlin blocks the flames. MERLIN: You won't see me again. Gaius's Chambers Merlin returns. MERLIN: Where is she? GAIUS: She's sleeping. MERLIN: I have to save her. GAIUS: You cannot. MERLIN: If the balance of the world needs a life, then Nimueh must take mine. GAIUS: No, Merlin. MERLIN: Yes. I will return to the island. GAIUS: You are young. Your gifts, your destiny are far too precious to sacrifice. MERLIN: My destiny? This is my mother. My powers mean nothing if I cannot save her. You have taught me so much. Taught me who I am. Taught me the purpose for my skills. Taught me that magic should only be used for great deeds. But most of all, you have always taught me to do what is right. GAIUS: Merlin. MERLIN (sniffle): I need to say goodbye to Arthur. Arthur's Chambers Merlin enters as Arthur is pouring himself a drink, his other arm in a sling. ARTHUR: Ah, Merlin. MERLIN: How are you? ARTHUR: Good. MERLIN: I'm pleased. ARTHUR: Yes. I owe it all to Gaius. MERLIN: I need to talk to you. ARTHUR: You still haven't got it yet, have you? I decide when we need to talk. MERLIN: Not today. ARTHUR: I sometimes wonder if you know who I am. MERLIN: Oh, I know who you are. ARTHUR: Good. MERLIN: You're a prat. And a royal one. ARTHUR (chuckle): Are you ever going to change, Merlin? MERLIN: No, you'd get bored. But promise me this, if you get another servant, don't get a bootlicker. ARTHUR: If this is you trying to leave your job... MERLIN: No. I'm happy to be your servant. Till the day I die. ARTHUR: Sometimes I think I know you, Merlin. Other times... *shakes head* MERLIN: Well, I know you. And you're a great warrior. One day, you'll be a great king. ARTHUR: That's very kind of you. MERLIN: But you must learn to listen as well as you fight. ARTHUR: Any other pointers? MERLIN: No. That's it. Just...don't be a prat. Merlin's Chamber Merlin enters his chamber where Gwen is sitting by Hunith's bedside. GWEN: Gaius had to go and get some supplies. He asked me to keep an eye on her until you got back. MERLIN: Thank you. GWEN: I'm sorry. MERLIN: No, she'll get better. GWEN: I've tried to make her feel comfortable. MERLIN: You have such a good heart, Gwen. Don't ever lose that. Gwen leaves and Merlin goes to sit with his mother. MERLIN: I'm going to make you well again. I promise. You'll see. HUNITH: You're such a good son. MERLIN: But I don't want you to worry about me. I know that the gods will look after me, and that one day I will see you again. HUNITH: I will miss you. MERLIN: I will miss you, too. Merlin takes out the rabbit's foot and gives it to his mother. Gaius's Chambers Merlin comes out of his room and begins packing for his trip the next morning. MERLIN: Gaius? Merlin finds a note with his name on it. Merlin reads it while Gaius travels to the Isle of the Blessed. GAIUS (voiceover): Dear Merlin, My life is already near to its end. There has, for the most part, been very little purpose to it, very little that will be remembered. In contrast, Merlin, your life is destined for greatness. Live by the tenets I have taught you, and I believe you will, in time, become the greatest warlock ever. To have known you has been my greatest pleasure, and to sacrifice myself for you is but an honour. You are and always will be the son I never had. MERLIN: No! Merlin rides out of Camelot. Isle Of The Blessed Gaius steps out of the boat onto the island. NIMUEH: I never thought I'd see you here again. GAIUS: My Lady. NIMUEH: It's a long time since you called me that. GAIUS: I come to ask for your help. NIMUEH: As you did once before for Uther? You did not like the outcome. GAIUS: I offer a chance for you to atone for the death of his wife. NIMUEH: I have saved the life of her son. What more do you ask for? GAIUS: That this time, you take a just price. Merlin intends to offer his life for his mother's. I want you to take mine in his place. NIMUEH (laughs): With all my powers of prediction, I could never have foretold this. Gaius the hero. Why should I grant your wish? You stood and watched as our friends burned in the Great Purge. You are nothing but a traitor. GAIUS: Merlin is the one man who can bring magic back to this land. At Arthur's side, he can help forge a new kingdom. A world of peace and beauty that we can only dream of. NIMUEH: And you're willing to give your life, Gaius, for the future they will bring? I'm waiting. Are you ready to die, Gaius? Gaius? GAIUS: For Merlin I will give my life. Merlin approaches edge of the lake of the Isle of the Blessed, he can hear Nimueh. NIMUEH: Ic, séo héahsácerd, þe ácwile strengþe ealdan æwfæstnesse! Merlin rushes onto the island. MERLIN: Stop! NIMUEH: Back again so soon, warlock? MERLIN: What have you done? NIMUEH: Your mother is safe. Isn't that what you wanted? MERLIN: Have you killed him? NIMUEH: It was his wish. MERLIN: I bid my life for Arthur's, not my mother's, not Gaius's! NIMUEH: The Old Religion does not care who lives and who dies! Only that the balance of the world is restored. To save a life, a life must be taken. Gaius knew this. MERLIN: It is not the Old Religion that has done this. It is you. NIMUEH: Come now. We are too valuable to each other to be enemies. MERLIN: No! I share nothing with you! NIMUEH: With my help, Arthur will become King. MERLIN: I will make Arthur King. But you will never see that day. Ástríce! Nimueh absorbs his attack. NIMUEH: Your childish tricks are useless against me, Merlin. I am a priestess of the Old Religion. Forbærne! You, too, are a creature of the Old Religion. You should join me. MERLIN: You think I would join forces with such a selfish and cruel magic? Never. NIMUEH: So be it. Ácwele! The spell hits Merlin. NIMUEH: Pity. Together we could've ruled the world. Nimueh walks away. Merlin gets up and glares at her. MERLIN: You should not have killed my friend. Merlin uses the power from the clouds to strike Nimueh down. Merlin runs to Gaius. MERLIN: Gaius! Gaius! Merlin cradles unconscious Gaius. MERLIN: No! No! *cries* GAIUS: Merlin. MERLIN: Gaius. Gaius. Gaius, you're alive! GAIUS: What did you do? MERLIN: Nimueh's dead. The balance of the world has been restored. GAIUS: You amaze me. You've mastered the power of life and death itself. We'll make a great warlock of you yet. MERLIN: So you believe in me now? GAIUS: Well, I would do if...if you could stop this blasted rain. They laugh. KILGHARRAH: Merlin! No! *roar* Morgana wakes from a nightmare. Special thanks to Lika_mikala for allowing us to use all of her scripts.
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2.10 - The Bracebridge Dinner OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory are building a snowman in the center of town.] LORELAI: How do you like that mouth? RORY: Um, it's not very mouthlike. LORELAI: Oh, I think it works. RORY: It's tilted to the side. LORELAI: Yeah, no, it was intentional. It gives her a unique expression. RORY: Like she had a stroke? LORELAI: Fine, I'll just use the Mrs. Potato Head lips. RORY: No, forget it, leave stroke-mouth. It's not like we're gonna win this anyway. LORELAI: Whoa, bad attitude. RORY: Mom, face it. That is the single most incredible snowman I have ever seen. [looks at a man working on an elaborate snow sculpture] LORELAI: I'm sorry, that snowman is way over the top, way too showy. It's screaming 'I'm incredible, I'm special, look at me.' RORY: Kind of the point of a snowman-building contest. LORELAI: Hmm, I hate this man with every fiber of my being. RORY: He looks nice. LORELAI: He's a ringer. RORY: How do you figure? LORELAI: Someone recruited him, promised him a handsome sum, financed his theatrical snowman accoutrements, so he could snatch victory away from a deserving local in order to bag the contest prize for himself. RORY: Seems a little elaborate considering that the prize is a set of new US quarters. LORELAI: Oh, we're ignoring him now. So, what are we gonna do on your school break? RORY: A lot of nothing. LORELAI: Sounds good. RORY: Plus some homework. LORELAI: And a lot of movies. RORY: Oh, we have to rent Godfather 3 on DVD. LORELAI: You're kidding. RORY: In the audio commentary, Coppola actually defends casting Sofia. LORELAI: Now that is fatherly love. What's all this homework you have to do? RORY: Just stuff for the paper. LORELAI: What? Why? RORY: Because Paris wants the first issue back to be a double issue, so we have to prep over break and she says the news never sleeps. LORELAI: What about Paris, does she ever sleep? RORY: I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and then just shuts down. LORELAI: Well, you can't work the whole time. RORY: I won't, I promise. Oh my God. LORELAI: What? RORY: He's power buffing. LORELAI: Aw, now that is just wrong. RORY: We're competing against the Michelangelo of snow. LORELAI: And we're Ernest Builds a Snowman. RORY: We shouldn't look at him anymore. LORELAI: Heads down, stay focused. RORY: We can do this. LORELAI: Absolutely. [their snowman's head falls off] RORY: Let's get some coffee? LORELAI: Right behind you. OPENING CREDITS CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Michel is at the front desk on the phone. In the background, Rune is jumping up and down trying to dust a picture frame.] MICHEL: [oh phone] Yes, you can rent a car in Manhattan and return it in Hartford. That's that's no problem, sir. Yes. Yes, you can return it to Bradley International. That's that's very convenient. Or you you can um, you - hold please. [puts phone down, walks over to Rune and grabs his arm] RUNE: Ah! MICHEL: Stop that. RUNE: Stop what? MICHEL: Stop jumping like a Mexican bean. RUNE: Well, Lorelai asked me to dust the picture frames. How do you suggest that I clean the top, smartie? [Michel takes the picture off the wall] Well, I didn't know that you could do that. MICHEL: Yes, I am miraculously talented, aren't I? RUNE: I thought an alarm would go off like in The Thomas Crown Affair. MICHEL: That would be if this was a museum, and you were a man allowed in museums. LORELAI: Hey, no bickering in the lobby, guys. RUNE: Where are we allowed to bicker? CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN SOOKIE: You've got all the mushrooms? You double checked? JACKSON: I've triple checked. I've quadruple checked. SOOKIE: The shitake, the nameko, the chanterelle? JACKSON: Once again, I've got it all. SOOKIE: The matsutake? The makeniya? JACKSON: Uh wait. SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: I don't have makeniya. SOOKIE: You don't have makeniya? JACKSON: I don't have makeniya. SOOKIE: I made it up. [giggles] You passed the test. JACKSON: Don't test me. [Lorelai walks in the kitchen] LORELAI: Hey, the auditions are starting. You wanna come watch? SOOKIE: Ooh, yes! JACKSON: Auditions for what? SOOKIE: Musicians. LORELAI: For the Bracebridge Dinner. JACKSON: Geez, you guys are going crazy with this dinner. SOOKIE: Jackson, I told you, this dinner is not just about food. We are recreating an authentic 19th century meal. LORELAI: The servers are all gonna be in period clothing, they're gonna speak period English. Here, look at the costumes. JACKSON: Nice. SOOKIE: We're talking seven courses here. Soup, fish, Peacock Pie, the Baron of Beef, the salad, then the Plum Pudding and the Wassail. LORELAI: And there's gonna be a big raised platform where the Squire of Bracebridge is going to preside over the festivities. SOOKIE: Yeah, he tastes the foods and makes pronouncements. He's like the host of the evening, and his costume is the coolest. LORELAI: Ah. JACKSON: It all sounds great. SOOKIE: Oh, it is, it is. By the way, you're playing Squire Bracebridge. Ready? LORELAI: Let's go. SOOKIE: Yeah. [they leave] JACKSON: Huh? What was that? CUT TO LOBBY SOOKIE: What are we looking at today? LORELAI: Okay, this is the last on our list. We've already got our trumpets, our madrigal singers JACKSON: Uh, sorry to interrupt but I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge. LORELAI: We've got all our servers lined up. This is just for recorder players and harpists. Hi. Uh, lay some on us guys. [two recorder players play] SOOKIE: Hey, you cats really know how to blow those things. LORELAI: You've got the gig. I will call you later with the details. Thanks. [the recorder players leave] JACKSON: So are we clear on this? I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge. Sorry you were under the impression that I'd do this. SOOKIE: When do the guests arrive? LORELAI: Thursday at four - on their own jet. SOOKIE: After buying out the whole inn. LORELAI: Must be nice to have money. SOOKIE: Uh! Hey, you know what struck me today? JACKSON: Was it the fact that I'm not the Squire - did that strike you? SOOKIE: We are crazy for doing this. LORELAI: We're beyond crazy. We are 'Anne Heche speaking her secret language to God and looking for the spaceship in Fresno' crazy. SOOKIE: Oh Quiness, nokka don atta. LORELAI: Il ek notra doska donne. JACKSON: And springing this on me at the last minute too, I mean, that's just manipulative. [a chef comes out of the kitchen] CHEF: Sookie, fire! [leaves] SOOKIE: I gotta get back in the kitchen. You'll handle the harp? LORELAI: You got it. JACKSON: All right, okay, I'll do it. I'll play Squire Bracebridge if that's what you want. Geez. SOOKIE: Thanks Sweetie. [walks to kitchen] JACKSON: As long as it's not just because I fit the costume. It's because I fit the costume, isn't it? [leaves] LORELAI: [to harpist] Go ahead. [Lorelai's cell phone rings while the harpist is playing] LORELAI: [answers phone] Hi, it's Lorelai. CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lor, it's me. LORELAI: Oh, hi Chris, how are you? CHRISTOPHER: Good, good. You, uh, got a minute? LORELAI: Uh oh. CHRISTOPHER: It's not an uh oh, I just wanted to run an idea by you. LORELAI: Run it. CHRISTOPHER: Now it's totally your call and I don't want to step on any plans you've already made, but I know Rory has a break in school coming up, and I was wondering if you'd be cool with her coming to visit for a couple of days. LORELAI: Uhh, a couple of days? You mean she'd stay the night? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, it's totally your call. Where are you, heaven? LORELAI: Do you even have room for someone to stay? CHRISTOPHER: Not just room - a room. A designated guest room. Sherry fixed it up really nice. LORELAI: Aww, good for her. CHRISTOPHER: So what do you think? LORELAI: I don't know. It's awfully last minute. CHRISTOPHER: It's totally last minute. You can say no and there'll be no hard feelings. LORELAI: Well, it's really up to Rory to say yes or no. CHRISTOPHER: So you're cool with it? LORELAI: Yeah, sure, if Rory is, yeah. CHRISTOPHER: Great, that's great. Uh, thank you. I'll let you run it past her and you can get back to me whenever. No pressure. LORELAI: No pressure. CHRISTOPHER: Talk to you later. LORELAI: Yeah, talk to you later. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily, Richard, Lorelai and Rory are eating dinner silently. Rory get Lorelai's attention and gestures for her to say something.] LORELAI: So what are your travel plans Dad? RICHARD: Hmm? LORELAI: You and mom, you always go out of town this time of year. RORY: Last year it was the Bahamas. RICHARD: Yes, that's right, it was. LORELAI: I remember you had fun too. You said the Bahama mians were real nice. The Bahamites? The Bahamamamamians? RORY: The Bahamians. LORELAI: Yes. They were nice. EMILY: They were nice. LORELAI: So, what are your plans? EMILY: We're not going anywhere this year. RORY: Why not? Oh, well yeah, it can be really nice just to stay at home sometimes because you can do fun things that you normally wouldn't have time for. LORELAI: Yeah, like play Running Charades, and get out that Slip 'n Slide. RICHARD: We'll see. EMILY: Yes, we'll see. RICHARD: Would you all excuse me? I have to make some calls. Say goodbye before you leave, will you? LORELAI: Yeah, sure Dad. [Richard leaves] LORELAI: When is this awfulness with work gonna resolve itself? EMILY: I don't know. The man is so sensitive. He reads so much into every little perceived slight. LORELAI: Yeah. I remember one time when I was a kid, Dad had put on some weight, and he bought a new suit to try to cover it up. And he wore it for us and he said, 'How do I look?' and I said, 'You look fat.' [pause] But I guess that wasn't really a perceived slight so, I'll think of another example. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN LOBBY [Sookie is lecturing to a group of people; Kirk is transcribing everything she says on his laptop.] SOOKIE: Keep in mind during the Bracebridge Dinner, we are not just servers, we are performers, so any time you're with a guest, you must be in character and you must speak Old English. It's a world we're creating here, so whatever we can do Kirk, you're driving me crazy! KIRK: Who me? [reads transcript] 'Whatever we can do to Kirk you're driving me crazy.' Yeah, me. Ah, sorry. SOOKIE: Okay, now guys, look at the materials I gave you, and tell me if a guest asks you how the food's coming, what would be the appropriate Old English response? Rune! RUNE: Greetings! SOOKIE: You just read the first thing on the list, didn't you? RUNE: Maybe. SOOKIE: Guys, the correct response: Ah, oven's day with baked meat choke! RUNE: Question? SOOKIE: Yeah? RUNE: What color dress will I be wearing when I say this? JACKSON: Rune, don't be an idiot. RUNE: Well, this is stupid. JACKSON: Shut up and pay attention to Sookie. She worked very hard to bring this about. KIRK: Yes, but unfortunately we don't all share intimacies with her, so she doesn't cut us any slack. JACKSON: She doesn't treat me differently. KIRK: She's called you Peaches three times. It's all in the transcript. RUNE: Sookie, instead of talking in Old English, can I just talk like an old man? SOOKIE: What? RUNE: Hey you kids, get off my lawn! SOOKIE: No, no you cannot just talk like an old man. [Lorelai walks into the lobby] SOOKIE: Hi, honey, what's the matter? LORELAI: They're snowed in. SOOKIE: Who's snowed in? LORELAI: The Bracebridge group. They're stuck in Chicago. The dinner's off. SOOKIE: No. LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: I'm gonna cry. LORELAI: I offered to fund the instant invention of a molecular transport device but they just didn't go for it. SOOKIE: Oh, that makes me so mad. And so sad. I'm smad! RUNE: Sookie, does this mean that my pockets wileth not with money get choked? That sounded like Old English. Cool, huh? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai, Sookie, and Rory are sitting at a table] SOOKIE: I've got thirty pounds of aged beef, trays and trays of trout, mountains of pruned tarts. I diced pumpkins until my hands turned orange. I've got pumpkin hands. LORELAI: Take a sip SOOKIE: How can you stay so calm about this? LORELAI: There's nothing we can do about it. RORY: I can't believe they got snowed in. LORELAI: All that work, all that extra help we hired. Oh well. At least they paid for it already. We didn't lose any money. SOOKIE: Yeah I guess. You know, I could still make up the dinner for the three of us. RORY: Yeah, but then it would be like the three of us, all alone in the dining room. LORELAI: It would be like The Shining, except instead of Jack Nicholson, we have Rune. [Luke walks over to them] LUKE: You girls want anything besides coffee? SOOKIE: Hey, what about Luke? LUKE: What about him? SOOKIE: He eats, and Jess eats. Doesn't Jess eat? LUKE: What's she doing? LORELAI: I think she's inviting you for dinner. SOOKIE: Yeah, come on, join us. It'll be fun. You like Peacock Pie? LUKE: I'm a hundred percent sure I don't. LORELAI: There'll be normal food too. RORY: And decorations. SOOKIE: And music. LORELAI: Come on, it'll be fun. LUKE: Well LORELAI: Hey, you know what? Let's invite everyone. SOOKIE: Everyone who? LORELAI: Everyone everyone. SOOKIE: Everyone everyone who? LORELAI: Everyone we know, everyone we like. RORY: And they could even stay in the inn. All those empty rooms, all those uneaten pillow mints. LORELAI: An out of control, over the top slumber party! SOOKIE: I love it! RORY: Me too! LORELAI: Done! Spread the word. LUKE: I haven't said I'd come yet so I'm certainly not gonna suddenly become your messenger boy. [Lorelai stares at him] Eight o'clock? LORELAI: Seven. LUKE: Right. CUT TO FRONT OF STARS HOLLOW HIGH [Dean walks out of the school, Lane walks over to him.] LANE: Deano. DEAN: Hey Lane. Are you going to this big shindig at the inn tonight? LANE: Yeah, I'm just trying to trick my mom into not going with me. DEAN: How's that coming along? LANE: How's that Pixies reunion coming along? DEAN: Well, I'll see you and your mom there. LANE: Bye. DEAN: Bye. [Lane leaves. Dean sees Jess fighting with another kid and goes over to break it up.] BOY: Keep it up pal, you'll get hurt. DEAN: Whoa, hey guys! Guys, come on, break it up guys! Quit it! Hey, hold it man, get off me! [Dean tries to pull Jess away; Jess tries to punch him] Whoa, hey, get off me man, I'm not fighting you! Jess, knock it off man! What the hell is your problem? JESS: Nothing. DEAN: You saw it was me, Jess. Why'd you keep punching? JESS: Had momentum. DEAN: Well I was trying to help you. JESS: I don't need you help, but thanks for offering. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai sits on the couch as Rory walks in with some drinks.] LORELAI: Hey, did Bootsy RSVP? RORY: Yeah, he's coming. LORELAI: Thanks. Is he bringing anybody? RORY: He's coming solo. LORELAI: Okay. I'm gonna put him in room 16 with Luke. RORY: You can't do that. LORELAI: Come on, let me have my fun. RORY: Luke's coming with Jess. LORELAI: Well, I'll put Jess in with Miss Patty. RORY: There will be no Jess left in the morning. LORELAI: You stink. [Rory sits in the armchair and picks up a pile of cards] RORY: Are these last year's cards or this year's? LORELAI: This year's, of course. RORY: Don't scoff. Last year's set were still sitting here 'til Halloween. LORELAI: Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills...well then, okay. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: What? RORY: This is one ugly looking baby. Whose baby is this? LORELAI: That's your second cousin's Stan's. Poor kid. RORY: Ugh, he got Stan's everything. LORELAI: That's not even the ugliest baby in the bunch. RORY: You're kidding. [looks through the pile] Ouch! LORELAI: That's the ugliest baby in the bunch. RORY: I don't understand why people put pictures on cards. LORELAI: Do they not understand we are unapologetic mockers? RORY: There's an unexplained innocence in the world. Hey, I didn't see this. LORELAI: See what? RORY: Dad. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: And the woman I'm assuming is Sherry. LORELAI: Uh, did I not show you that? Huh. RORY: They've got a cute little puppy and everything. LORELAI: Oh, I must've put it in the stack and forgotten to tell you about it. Well, there it is. RORY: Nice looking lady. LORELAI: Mm hmm. Like a young Tammy Faye Baker. RORY: But prettier than that. LORELAI: Oh, I didn't mean not pretty. Hey, question about the room list. RORY: Yeah? LORELAI: Room 31 - why is it empty? RORY: Oh yeah, I wanted to run an idea by you. LORELAI: Run it. RORY: I thought maybe a certain depressed man and his wife could stay there. LORELAI: Woody and Soon-Yi? RORY: Grandma and Grandpa. LORELAI: Ugh, you've got to be kidding. RORY: But this could help to cheer him up. LORELAI: I'll send him a Def Jam Comedy tape. That'll cheer him up. RORY: It's a really good thing to do. LORELAI: We'll donate money to charity, that's a good thing too. We'll stop kicking dogs. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: All right, I'll pencil them in, but they'll probably say no. RORY: Yeah, but we're not gonna hope that they say no, right? LORELAI: Right. RORY: Right, because that would be really bad karma, especially on top of making fun of the ugly babies. LORELAI: Uh, I have a new year's resolution for you: become more cynical and self absorbed. RORY: I'll work on it. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [The night of the Bracebridge Dinner, Lorelai and Rory are in the lobby] RORY: Hey, how's Sookie doing in there? LORELAI: Ah, well, she's paper bagging it. RORY: What? LORELAI: You know... [Lorelai breathes into a pretend paper bag] RORY: Oh, so she's right on schedule. [Babette and Morey walk into the inn.] BABETTE: Hey dolls. LORELAI: Hey! RORY: Hi, welcome. MOREY: Are we the first ones here? LORELAI: Yes, you are. BABETTE: Now don't you freak out. Morey hates being the first anywhere. He thinks it hurts his street credibility. MOREY: Charlie Parker was late to everything. BABETTE: Charlie Parker had more drugs in him than a Rite-Aid. Forget Charlie Parker. RORY: You guys are in room 8. It's all ready for you. BABETTE: Thanks, doll. C'mon Morey. We can be late for dinner if it'll make you feel better. MOREY: A little. BABETTE: Yeah. [they walk away as Lane walks into the inn] LANE: Hey! RORY: Are you alone? MRS. KIM: Lane! LANE: My wedding night's gonna be very interesting. RORY: Hi Mrs. Kim. I'm glad you guys could come. You guys are in room 12. MRS. KIM: Thank you. Hello Lorelai, thank you for inviting us. LORELAI: Our pleasure. Do you need help bringing in the rest of your stuff? MRS. KIM: This is my stuff. Don't need any more stuff. People have too much stuff. LORELAI: You know you're right. People have too much stuff. Absolutely. [Mrs. Kim and Lane walk away] RORY: Says the woman with 64 pairs of shoes. LORELAI: Thus proving my point. What is Paris doing here? RORY: She had to bring me the newspaper stuff tonight. She just couldn't wait. LORELAI: A robot, she's a robot. Hi! [walks away] RORY: Hey. PARIS: So here are the materials in the double issue. Some of the articles are gonna need complete rewrites. RORY: Drag. PARIS: Madeline's 500 words on test anxiety spends 400 of them arguing that stretch corduroy is the best material for low-rise jeans. RORY: Well, let's see. Corduroy is a fabric, and the fabric of society is weakened when students PARIS: You can't get there. RORY: Yeah, it doesn't look like it. I'll get right on this tomorrow. PARIS: What about tonight? RORY: I'm busy tonight. PARIS: Doing what? RORY: Well, this. PARIS: Oh. What is this? RORY: It's kind of a big dinner party. PARIS: Oh. Okay, well, I'll get out of your way. Call if you need to talk things through, and oh - she uses the Prince version of writing. A letter U for you and a picture of an eye for an I. RORY: Wow. PARIS: Yeah. RORY: Hey Paris, do you have anything going on tonight? PARIS: What's that supposed to mean? RORY: It's supposed to mean, do you have anything going on tonight? PARIS: Well, my parents are out of town, so my Portuguese nanny will make dinner and then I'll either get back to reading the Iliad or we'll play Monopoly. I crush her every time. RORY: Well I was just thinking, maybe you want to stay for dinner? PARIS: Here? RORY: Yeah. We have a ton of food, and it's like a whole big show and everything, and if you're not doing anything PARIS: Rereading the Iliad a third time is not not doing anything. I'm not pathetic. RORY: I know you're not. I just thought it might be fun, that's all. PARIS: Well, I'll have to make a call. RORY: Good, make it. PARIS: I just have to let Nanny know. [takes out cell phone and dials] Nanny? É Paris. Vou jantar com Rory hoje à noite. Eu telefono no caminho de casa. Tchau. [Dean and Clara walk into the inn] DEAN: Hey. RORY: Hello there. Hey Clara. Nice, is that a Stella McCartney? CLARA: It's a Wal-Mart. RORY: Well, it's very pretty. CLARA: My mom bought it for tonight. RORY: She's got good taste. DEAN: [sees Jess walk in] I didn't know he was coming. RORY: Who? DEAN: Jess. RORY: Yeah. Is that a problem? DEAN: Not really. RORY: Dean. DEAN: It's just that, he got into this fight with this guy at school, and when I broke it up he started in on me. RORY: He hit you? DEAN: He tried. RORY: Why would he do that? DEAN: Don't ask me to explain that jerk. [Jess waves] He better not do that all night. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN SOOKIE: No! It tastes too twentieth century guys. It's gotta shout Washington Irving, not Irving my accountant. It needs something, help me. What is it? CHEF: Uhh [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: How's it going? AGH! SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Ooh! Ew, Rune naked, naked Rune. [Rune is changing his pants in the corner] SOOKIE: Ahh! RUNE: These stupid pants won't go past my thighs. LORELAI: Why are you dressing in here? RUNE: The bathrooms are full and the lousy madrigal singers are bull guarding the supply closet so this is the only place. SOOKIE: They're too small. RUNE: My thighs are too big. LORELAI: Ahh! Rune, yes, but in lieu of coming up with something that would immediately reduce the size of your thighs, why don't we get you a bigger pair of pants? SOOKIE: And a different place to dress. LORELAI: Definitely. RUNE: Well, can you get me the supply closet? LORELAI: We'll take it by force if we have to. Go. Ah. [Rune leaves] Is everything under control? SOOKIE: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ye...no. This needs something and I cannot think of what it is. It's that tart, kind of spicy, white. . .salt! The word is salt! LORELAI: You forgot the word for salt? SOOKIE: Everything's under control. LORELAI: Good. SOOKIE: Absolutely, one hundred percent. LORELAI: You're exuding confidence. Have the oxygen ready. SOOKIE: Okay, easy. It's a bird, it's a bird. CUT TO LOBBY [Lorelai walks into the lobby as Emily and Richard arrive] LORELAI: They're here. RORY: Who? LORELAI: The Joy-less Luck Club. RICHARD: Hello girls. You look particularly lovely tonight. RORY: Thanks Grandpa. LORELAI: Thanks Dad. You guys look nice yourselves. EMILY: Seems like the occasion called for it. RICHARD: The air seems crisper here than Hartford. It's wonderful. LORELAI: Hey Dad, you didn't grab the wrong prescription bottle earlier today, did you? RICHARD: What? RORY: Nothing. EMILY: I think she was making one of her funny jokes. RICHARD: Oh, went straight over my head. LORELAI: Let me get someone to help you with your bags. RICHARD: No, no, I've got them. Just point me to the room. RORY: You guys are in room 31, best room in the place. RICHARD: Oh, anything's fine. I'll, uh, see you in a bit. [walks away] LORELAI: What got into him? RORY: He's totally different. EMILY: I know. He's been that way for two days. I have no idea why but I'm taking the credit. LORELAI: Ugh, a hostess' job is never done. Hi. CUT TO LOBBY [All the guests are mingling in the lobby.] LORELAI: Hey everybody, will you gather round? Everyone, everyone! First of all, I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner. SOOKIE: I'm fine, everything's fine. LORELAI: I also want to thank Mother Nature for snowing in the Trelling Paper Company in Chicago so I can throw this great party for all my friends instead. It's a very special night. And so, since I don't get to eat unbelievably strange food with my friends everyday, I have arranged a little surprise. Outside, as we speak, is a line of horse drawn sleighs and everybody gets a ride. So, uh, line up and keep it orderly. There's two per sleigh and no cutting in front of each other - that goes for everyone. Except me, 'cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss a ride in a horse drawn sleigh. Come on. LUKE: You gonna go? JESS: I think I'll wait for the clog dancing. DEAN: Hey, hey, don't move. CLARA: But we're gonna miss all the good horses! RORY: Who is this brazen woman competing for your attention? CLARA: Come on! DEAN: Uh, I guess I'm spoken for. RORY: I'll see you back here. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai is sitting in one of the sleighs as Luke and Bootsy stand near the horses] BOOTSY: You see the horses? LUKE: You mean the ones three feet from my face? Yeah, I saw 'em. BOOTSY: I spent a summer training horses in Montana. LUKE: You get kicked in the head a lot? BOOTSY: Just the once. LORELAI: Hey, you in the belt - get in. LUKE: What? Oh, no, I was just sort of checking things out. LORELAI: Come on. We can pull a Ben Hur and take down Taylor's sleigh. LUKE: I don't know, I... LORELAI: Aww, come on Luke. I can't be all school marm-y and ride by myself. Please? LUKE: Well, okay. [gets in the sleigh] LORELAI: Giddy up. [the sleigh starts moving] Uh! The horses heard me, I speak horse language! I'm Dr. Dolittle! LUKE: Plus, I think the driver of the sleigh heard you. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. LUKE: I gotta say, sleigh ride's a little much, but these horses are really beautiful. LORELAI: Yes, especially from this angle. LUKE: Not just from this angle. LORELAI: Oh seriously, don't backtrack. Horse has got a nice butt there. LUKE: It's not what I'm saying. LORELAI: Nice firm hiney. LUKE: Stop talking about the horse's hiney. LORELAI: God, the town looks beautiful. LUKE: Same as always. LORELAI: No, it's always different his time of year. It's magical. LUKE: If you say so, sure. Oh look, there's the magical plumbing supply store where I bought a magical float for my toilet last week. LORELAI: You disappoint me. LUKE: Oh look. There's the magical Luke's Diner right underneath the apartment that Jess magically lit by leaving every stinkin' light on. LORELAI: How's it going with you guys? LUKE: Me and Jess? Great. LORELAI: Great? Really? LUKE: Really. LORELAI: Well, good. LUKE: It is good. I mean, it was hard at first, seemed impossible, you know, but I've learned a lot these past couple months. LORELAI: Like? LUKE: Like last week I discovered the secret of parenting. LORELAI: You did? LUKE: Yup. LORELAI: The secret of parenting? LUKE: The secret of parenting. LORELAI: When last week? Last Tuesday? LUKE: I don't know the exact day. LORELAI: Tuesday at 5:15, is that when you discovered the secret of parenting? LUKE: Don't mock. LORELAI: Well, tell me. What is. . . oh wait, it's a secret, you can't tell me. LUKE: No, I'll tell you. You visualize the reality you want. LORELAI: You visualize the reality you want. LUKE: And then if necessary, you lie to bring it about. LORELAI: That is so much worse than I was expecting. LUKE: You never lied to your kid? LORELAI: Ahh, to save her from great physical pain, yes. When she was little and she would play in the kitchen, I told her that the burners were the devil's hands, but I would say it in a really scary evangelist voice, you know, 'Don't touch the devil's hands!' She still doesn't go near the stove. LUKE: Yes, exactly. You told a little white lie for your kid's protection, very similar to what I've done. LORELAI: Which was? LUKE: Well, you know the winter break is coming up? LORELAI: Yes I do. LUKE: Okay, well that means Jess has some time off from school. His mom knew that and she never called. LORELAI: Ugh, it makes me sick LUKE: So I decided just to keep Jess with me, and I told him that his mom wanted him to come home but I thought since he just got there and was still adjusting that I thought he should stay, and his mom was really upset but I insisted. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Saved him a lot of hurt. LORELAI: He didn't buy it. LUKE: What? Of course he did. LORELAI: He knows. [cut to Richard and Emily's sleigh] EMILY: I wish Lorelai had warned us about this. RICHARD: What? This is wonderful.. EMILY: It's wreaking havoc with my hair. RICHARD: Oh this is not bad for your hair, compared to the other thing. EMILY: What other thing? [Richard tousles her hair] Richard, stop it! Stop it! Suddenly you're two years old. RICHARD: Oh, I'm just having fun. EMILY: I'm not complaining. RICHARD: This is fun too. This is like a roller coaster. EMILY: A little. RICHARD: Say, when was the last time we were on a roller coaster? EMILY: Never. RICHARD: Didn't we ever go to Coney Island? EMILY: That must've been your other wife. RICHARD: Gosh, I used to love it when I was a kid. They were a lot faster then too. EMILY: And less safe. RICHARD: We should go on one. EMILY: What? RICHARD: A fast one. EMILY: Fine. You go and I'll wait and hold your cotton candy for you. RICHARD: You are going. EMILY: It would take a whole day. RICHARD: You are going. EMILY: I'd be scared. RICHARD: I'll hold your hand. EMILY: Fine. We'll go on a roller coaster. RICHARD: Good. EMILY: Now where is this roller coaster we're going on? RICHARD: I'm not sure. I'll get Rory to look it up on the Internet for us. [cut to Rory getting in a sleigh] DRIVER: That it miss? RORY: I guess I'm alone. [The sleigh starts going. Jess jumps into the seat next to Rory] RORY: What are you doing? JESS: Well, I heard it was two to a sleigh - no more, no less. You were breaking the rules. RORY: You could've hurt yourself. JESS: I live on the edge. I can jump out if you want. RORY: Doesn't matter to me. JESS: Are you mad at me or something? RORY: What do you think? JESS: I can't read your mind. RORY: You got into a fight with Dean. JESS: Dean? RORY: My boyfriend. JESS: Ah. He's still your boyfriend? RORY: Okay, you can jump out now. JESS: I wasn't fighting him. I was fighting someone else. He jumped in on his own. RORY: He was trying to help you. JESS: Oh, he should go into government service if he's so interested in helping people. But me, he can stop worrying about. RORY: Why were you fighting in the first place? JESS: 'Cause Chuck Presby's a jerk. RORY: You were fighting Chuck Presby? JESS: Yeah. RORY: Oh, he is a jerk. JESS: This whole town is weird and full of jerks. RORY: Then why are you still here? JESS: What do you mean? RORY: I mean, school's out and you don't like it here, so why don't you just go home? JESS: My mom didn't want me to. RORY: I don't believe that. JESS: That's your right, I guess. RORY: Did Luke say she didn't want you to? JESS: Luke told me it was his idea that I should stay. It wasn't his idea. That's good. RORY: What? JESS: Your snowman. Snowwoman, actually. RORY: You know which one is ours? JESS: It definitely has the most personality. Kind of looks like Bjork. RORY: That's what we were going for. JESS: Yeah? RORY: But everyone thinks the one on the end is gonna be the winner. JESS: Really? It's so overdone. RORY: I agree. JESS: You should win. RORY: No argument. JESS: Hey, what do you and Dean talk about? RORY: What? JESS: I mean, does he know Bjork? RORY: I've played him some stuff. JESS: Hm. So you got a teacher-student thing going? RORY: Stop. JESS: No, really, I'm curious. What do you guys talk about? RORY: Everything. JESS: Like? RORY: Just everything, tons of stuff, whatever. JESS: It's just in the brief non-pugilistic time I've spent with him in class, he just doesn't seem like your kind of guy. RORY: Well, he is my kind of guy. He's exactly my kind of guy. JESS: Okay. I guess I don't know him that well. RORY: You don't. You don't. CUT TO INN DINING ROOM [All of the guests are seated at a long table. Lorelai stands at the head of the table with a camera.] LORELAI: Quiet please, everybody. Before the, uh, button popping and the bloating can commence, say cheese. EVERYONE: Cheese! LORELAI: Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, damen und herren, um, the moment you've been waiting for, I give you the Bracebridge Dinner. SOOKIE: Whoa, whoa, hold it. We just need a quick minute, please. LORELAI: Which will be starting in one quick minute. BOOTSY: You ever think about that? You can't have a quick minute because it's always sixty seconds. LUKE: Shut up. MISS PATTY: Lorelai darling, who is the silver fox with the tight kneesocks? LORELAI: Oh, that's Claude. He's one of our regular servers, divorced and on the market. MISS PATTY: Oh, well the uniform is interesting. LORELAI: All right. I'll have him bathed, powdered, and sent to your room. MISS PATTY: What? Oh, you joke? Was that a joke? RICHARD: Lorelai, this is just beautiful. It's like something out of Architectural Digest. You should be very proud. LORELAI: Thanks Dad. EMILY: Your dress needs pressing. LORELAI: Thanks Mom. [Lorelai sits down next to Rory] LORELAI: Your pod Grandpa is still happy as a clam. RORY: See, I told you this would be good for him. LORELAI: When you're right, you're right. RUNE: Welcome Lords and Ladies. I call upon these sprightly horns to commence our proceedings. [horns play] Hey Chuck Mangione, you wanna back up a step? LORELAI: And we're off. RUNE: And now, fair people, I present my Lord and Master, the honorable Squire Bracebridge. [Jackson enters the room dressed as the Squire] JACKSON: Lo! Now has come our joyfullest feast. Let every man be jolly. JESS: We should've eaten before we came. LUKE: Shh! And yeah. JACKSON: Humble servant, bring us the first course to dine with pleasure. Mmm, methinks it be a butternut squash soup. RUNE: Ah, methinks you're right Squire Bracebridge, thus and verily. JACKSON: And verily thus. LORELAI: They're the Old England Abbot and Costello. JACKSON: 'Tis perfection, but extremely hot. RUNE: My Lord, do you need aid? Wouldst thou have thee ice thy tongue? JACKSON: Ah nay, Rune, nay. To the guests thou shall serve the soup! JESS: What's the white stuff? LUKE: I think it's cheese - or cream. JESS: And the green stuff? LUKE: I think it's best picked off. MRS. KIM: No one says grace? LANE: I think they all do Mama, uh, silently. MRS. KIM: Did you say silent grace? BABETTE: [laughs] Good one! [Mrs. Kim stares at her. Babette quickly bows her head and nudges for Morey to do the same. Cut to Kirk serving soup to Lorelai and Rory] KIRK: Soup for mi'ladies? RORY: Why thank you, kind sir. LORELAI: Hey Kirk, nice blouse. RORY: Don't let her make fun of you Kirk. You look great. KIRK: Soup with garlands, gay and rosemary. LORELAI: You're gonna stay in character no matter what, huh? KIRK: 'Tis hot, so proceed daintily. LORELAI: Hey, did you ever see that I Love Lucy where she goes to Buckingham Palace? RORY: Mom. LORELAI: She tries to get the palace guard to break character. That was a funny one. KIRK: 'Tis foreign to me good lady. RORY: Hang in there, Kirk. LORELAI: Those ones where she was in Europe, hands down, those were the best! KIRK: No way, the Hollywood ones! LORELAI: Ha! KIRK: Damn! RORY: I was rooting for you boy. [Cut to later that evening] RUNE: My Lord, shall dessert be served? JACKSON: Anon, humble servant. CLARA: Can I eat my dessert with the horses? DEAN: Sure, uh, but put your coat on. CLARA: Are you okay? BOOTSY: I guess so. I've lost track of how many beers I've had. CLARA: Seven. LORELAI: Hey Paris, how's it going? PARIS: Fine, good, thanks for having me. LORELAI: Oh, it was our pleasure. PARIS: Did you notice the anachronisms? LORELAI: The what? PARIS: The period discrepancies. They were pretty blatant. I mean, forget that the nineteenth century didn't include recessed lighting or the Fossil watch that your server was wearing, but water in that period would not have been served with cubed ice. LORELAI: Right. PARIS: And your servers are wearing nylon blend shirts, and nylon was invented by a scientist at Dupont in the 1920's. It shattered the illusion. LORELAI: Floggings will be administered. RICHARD: So there we are, it's a beautiful moonlit Prague night, and we're strolling across the Charles Bridge when we come across this group of kids blasting this song by that. . .oh, that awful woman. Who is she? The tall bony one, married to the deceased mustachioed congressman. RORY: Cher? EMILY: That's the one! LORELAI: The year of 'Do you believe in life after love?' RORY: A difficult time for all of us. MICHEL: I like that song. RICHARD: Well, I was appalled. Prague has played host to some of the greatest composers in history. Mozart named a symphony after it, for heaven's sake. So what did I do? EMILY: I have tried so hard to forget this. RICHARD: I stood beside them and their boombox and I hummed Mozart's Prague Symphony as loud as I could. [starts humming] LORELAI: A bizarro Battle of the Bands. TAYLOR: And did it work? RICHARD: Well, they quickly packed up and went their way. EMILY: But then he kept on humming the Mozart. He wouldn't stop. RICHARD: Well, at that point I was hoping for some gullible tourists to drop money at my feet. EMILY: And two of them did. RICHARD: And I kept it! TAYLOR: You know, this might be the most interesting conversation I've ever had with an insurance man. RICHARD: Aww, I'm hurt. TAYLOR: I'm sorry Richard. What I meant was that RICHARD: No, what you meant was that people in the insurance industry are drones. Well I agree. They are a dull, dull lot, and I am glad to be rid of them. LORELAI: Rid of them? TAYLOR: Oh, are you retired Richard? RICHARD: Well, uh EMILY: Of course he's not. Richard? Richard? RICHARD: Actually, I am. CUT TO BEDROOM [Later that evening, Lorelai and Rory are in their room at the inn getting ready for bed.] LORELAI: Ah, it's always nice to end a big festive meal with a big festive pall hanging over the room. RORY: Most people didn't notice anything. LORELAI: I guess. Bootsy singing Hotel California accompanied by spoons drew people's attention away. RORY: Did Grandma and Grandpa say a word to each other the rest of the night? LORELAI: No. RORY: Why didn't he tell anyone? LORELAI: I'm sorry, are you asking me to interpret my parents' motives? RORY: My mistake. So which bed do you want? LORELAI: Take the one by the window. RORY: Okay. [pulls back blanket] Mom! LORELAI: What honey? RORY: You put the picture of the ugly baby in my bed? LORELAI: I didn't, I swear. That ugly baby is stalking us. Run away! RORY: Poor baby, it's not his fault. LORELAI: I think it's a she. RORY: Poor baby, you picked the wrong parents. Hey, have you heard from Dad recently? LORELAI: What dad - your dad? RORY: Yeah, my dad. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because he's my dad, and he usually checks in this time of year and he hasn't checked in yet. I mean, I know he's probably busy with Sherry and the new apartment and...what? LORELAI: There may have been a call. RORY: There may have been? You don't remember? LORELAI: Well things have been so hectic, you know, with the Bracebridge Dinner, and um, building a snowwoman, and planning the ugly baby gag, that took time. RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Yes, he called! He called, he called, he called and invited you, and it's not too late to go. He called and invited you, so there you go. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, so there. RORY: He invited me over? LORELAI: Yes, are you deaf? RORY: No, I'm just trying to separate the gist from the ubububububah. LORELAI: Well, the gist is he invited you, okay? RORY: Why didn't he invite me himself? LORELAI: Because he's pretending to be considerate by running it past me first. RORY: Was he maybe not pretending to be considerate, and actually being considerate? LORELAI: Maybe. But I wouldn't put it past him to be inconsiderate. The guy doesn't have the greatest track record. RORY: Why didn't you tell me this? He's probably waiting for my answer, and holding off making plans. LORELAI: Because I have dibs on this time of year with you, not him! Me! And yes, he acknowledged that, and that was cool and all, but still - it stinks! Because he put me in a very difficult position because we were supposed to watch a lot of movies and make fun of Godfather 3, and the thing that I really, really hate about this is is the idea of you not hanging out with me because you're hanging out there with your stupid stepmother. RORY: You're calling Sherry my stepmother? LORELAI: Well, she practically is. RORY: You're wigging. LORELAI: There is something wrong with that woman. RORY: You don't even know her. LORELAI: You think I'm overreacting? RORY: I think you're jealous of Sherry. LORELAI: Ha, I'm not jealous of Sherry. RORY: But I understand - your territory has been threatened. LORELAI: Excuse me? RORY: But relax, there are ways to work through situations like this - compromises can be struck. LORELAI: Oh, what are you saying? RORY: Well, you know, I can still call you Mom, and I'll call her Mommy Sherry. LORELAI: Don't be mean. RORY: And we can split up holidays evenly. Like, I'll be with you on Labor Day LORELAI: Okay. RORY: her on Memorial Day. LORELAI: Enough. RORY: I'll have to find out about her religion though to see how Chanukah will factor into this, unless you want to convert to Judaism and then take over Chanukah for yourself. LORELAI: I get the point. I overreacted. Please stop. RORY: You totally overreacted. God. LORELAI: So do you think you're gonna go and stay with them? RORY: I'll have to think about it. LORELAI: Do you have to think about it because you know that it's killing me not to know whether you're going or not and you want to torture me like that? RORY: Nope, I just don't know if I want to do it. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: It was nice of him to ask though. LORELAI: It was very nice. RORY: 'Cause we are rooting for Dad. LORELAI: We are rooting for him. It was a very nice thing that Christopher offered. I was being a little possessive. RORY: And insanely jealous of his pretty girlfriend. LORELAI: Well, I wanna know if she's good enough for him. RORY: Me too. LORELAI: So there was an altruistic streak to my madness. RORY: We'll go with that. [there's a knock at the door. Lorelai answers, Emily is there.] EMILY: I need a new room. LORELAI: What? EMILY: I can't stay in that room. LORELAI: There are no other rooms, Mom. EMILY: Well, then I'll go home. RORY: Grandma, it's late. LORELAI: And pitch black, and the roads are icy. You can't be driving. EMILY: Well, I'm not going back to that room. LORELAI: I'm guessing you and Dad had it out about the job thing? EMILY: We haven't even spoken since dinner. I'm so upset, I wouldn't know where to begin. And I couldn't take being around him anymore. What he did is inexcusable. Not letting me know he left his job - as if it didn't affect me? LORELAI: Aw mom, try to calm down. Here, take this bed, and Rory and I will share. EMILY: I'm just a burden. LORELAI: You're not a burden, Mom. EMILY: Well, okay, thank you. Can I use the mirror in the bathroom for a second? LORELAI: Yes, I'll use the one out here. [Rory watches as Lorelai and Emily both apply cream to their face] RORY: Wow. LORELAI: What? RORY: Behold my future. EMILY: How do you turn out the light? LORELAI: I'll get it. EMILY: I still can't believe it. LORELAI: Try to relax Mom. EMILY: I hope he doesn't sleep because I surely won't. LORELAI: Oh, Mom. EMILY: These slippers you have here are hardly one size fits all. They're too big. LORELAI: Goodnight. EMILY: It was so irresponsible. LORELAI: Maybe he had no choice. EMILY: Of course he had a choice. Go to sleep Lorelai. LORELAI: That job was killing him, Mom. It was killing him. EMILY: I'm going for a little walk. RORY: Grandma, it's late. EMILY: I'm not tired. LORELAI: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives. CUT TO LOBBY [Emily walks in and finds Richard sitting on the sofa] EMILY: I didn't know you were here. RICHARD: Emily, don't go. EMILY: I'm very tired. RICHARD: I want to talk to you, please. I don't need to remind you about how I've been feeling at work, and my frustration just built to the point where again, you know this. So, I arranged to meet the CEO yesterday just to talk about the situation and about the rumors I'd heard floating around. So I met with Floyd. We shook hands, had coffee, then I started telling him about how unhappy I'd become. I detailed all my years with the company, all the travel I'd done, all the weekends I put in, the sacrifices I'd made, including time with my family, for the firm. And the more I talked, the angrier I became, and then suddenly I heard myself resign, just like that. Floyd was stunned. I'd never seen Floyd stunned. I enjoyed seeing Floyd stunned. So I finished my coffee and I walked out of that office, and I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I'd resigned, quit. I believe I even used a little profanity in the process. But you know what Emily? I was thrilled, elated, a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. I noticed Floyd's secretary staring at me, and I realized it was because I was smiling. Well, nobody had seen me smile there in a very long time. I was. . .I was happy. EMILY: And you chose not to tell me? Your own wife. RICHARD: Oh Emily, I know I've done nothing but disappoint you these past few months, what with how isolated I've become and all the social engagements I've made you cancel, and all the friendships I've jeopardized. And you like order, you like lists, you like to know where you're going or what's coming. You like all things planned. And then suddenly I impulsively unplan our entire future in one fail swoop. Well, I couldn't face disappointing you again. I couldn't face telling you that I'd spoiled the plan. Not now, not at this time of year. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to worry, I just wanted to keep being happy. I'm very, very sorry. Anyhow, um, I've been sitting here going over our financial situation. Now, um, we still have all of our retirement accounts, and our medical coverage is all there, By quitting though, we do forgo some of my pension and some stock options. Not a terribly significant amount, but an amount all the same. EMILY: Richard, let's just go to bed. CUT TO LOBBY [The next morning, the guests are leaving] RORY: See ya Bootsy. BOOTSY: See ya, thanks. By the way, last night did I sing Hotel California? RORY: From beginning to end. LORELAI: While banging spoons on your head. BOOTSY: Well that explains the lumps. LORELAI: Bye. MISS PATTY: Lorelai, darling, oh thank you for everything. LORELAI: Patty, your timing is excellent. There's Claude over there. Want me to do some matchmaking? MISS PATTY: Aww, he's wearing a golf shirt and cotton Dockers. LORELAI: So it was the uniform, huh? MISS PATTY: Aw, it's the Biloxi Naval Base all over again. LORELAI: See ya. MISS PATTY: Bye. LORELAI: Hey Mom. You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky? EMILY: Could you be any cruder? LORELAI: Yeah, I can be cruder. Hey mom, did you get la RORY: Thanks for coming! It was fun. Is everything okay? RICHARD: Everything's okay. EMILY: We'll see you next Friday. LORELAI: Bye. Bye Dad. RICHARD: Bye Lorelai. SOOKIE: You just had one grub too many. Just drink lots of water to rehydrate. JACKSON: I will. LORELAI: Jackson, thank you for being our Squire. JACKSON: Oh, you're welcome. Hey, uh, by the way, last night when Bootsy was singing Hotel California and banging spoons on his head, did I LORELAI: Lift up your shirt and play drums on your stomach? Yes you did. JACKSON: Oh boy. RORY: You kept a good beat. SOOKIE: Yeah, 'cause God knows if the beat was off, you'd have embarrassed yourself. CLARA: Thanks Rory. RORY: Clara, I'm glad you came. DEAN: So I'll see you later. CLARA: Don't kiss. DEAN: Aw, come on. CLARA: Don't kiss. [Dean covers Clara's eyes while he kisses Rory] CLARA: Come on. DEAN: So I guess we're off. RORY: I guess so. [Dean walks away, then glances back and sees Rory and Jess smiling at each other] LORELAI: Bye you guys. Ugh, let's go home. RORY: Are we coming to get our bags later? LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because we're walking home. I don't want to carry 'em. LORELAI: Who says we're walking? CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Rory ride home in a horse-drawn sleigh.] LORELAI: This is the only way to ride. RORY: I wholeheartedly agree. [Lorelai sees that the elaborate overdone snowman has been smashed] LORELAI: Whoa, what happened there? RORY: I have no idea. LORELAI: Bad news for ringer guy. But guess who wins by default? RORY: I guess that would be us.
doc_54
[ INT. TARDIS ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clara and the Doctor come bursting through the TARDIS door, laughing and joking with each other. A bright light is behind them. ) Clara: I told you it'd work! The Doctor: It very nearly ate you for dinner. Clara: Oh, admit it. I totally saved your life. The Doctor: It wasn't going to eat me. Clara: ( laughs ) I totally saved you from having to marry that giant sentient plant thing. That bit where I jumped over the side? That was amazing! Hah! I knew you were impressed! The Doctor: The second most beautiful garden in all of time and space, and we can never come back here because you, Miss Oswald, decided... ( The TARDIS phone rings ) Clara: Hello? Rigsy (O.C.): Clara? Finally. It's Rigsy. Clara: Oh. Rigsy. Hey. What's wrong? Rigsy: So I have this, er... It kind of looks like a tattoo. Clara (O.C.): Seriously? I gave you this number for emergencies. Rigsy: It's an emergency, trust me. Just... Rigsy (O.C.): Come and take a look at it. Please. The Doctor: Who said you could give out my number? Clara: Look, look, no matter how bad it is, we cannot take you back down your timeline just to fix a tattoo. Rigsy: That's just it. I didn't get a tattoo. And it's... It's counting down. Clara: Sorry, what? ( Rigsy holds up a mirror and we see the number 538 on the back of his neck. ) Rigsy: The tattoo - it's a number and it's counting down to zero. Clara: Hang tight. We'll be right there. Rigsy: Hurry. Please. ( We see the number closer and it changes to 537 ) VWORP! VWORP! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Rigsy's apartment - Day ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( From outside the building, we see a flashing light in one of the windows and we hear the sound of the TARDIS materializing. Inside, we see a baby in a pink cot. ) The Doctor: Did you make this human? Rigsy: Lucy? Yeah, she's mine. Clara: Hello. Oh, Rigsy, she's gorgeous. The Doctor: She's better than that. She's brilliant. ( The Doctor stands up and raises his voice. ) What are you doing running round getting tattoos when there's... Clara: Shh! Rigsy: Look, I didn't "get" anything. I woke up this morning and it was just there. Jen noticed it. The Doctor: OK, show me this tattoo you didn't get, then. It's a tattoo. It's very boring. Rigsy: No, wait. Just keep watching. ( The Doctor picks up a book and leafs through it. ) Clara: What were you doing last night? Rigsy: That's just it - yesterday was a total blank. Jen said I left the house before dawn, I missed work, and I didn't get back till after midnight. No-one saw me all day. ( We see the number change to 532. ) The Doctor: Oh, that's not boring. That is very not boring. ( The Doctor puts on his glasses and they chirp and hum. ) Clara: What? What is it? The Doctor: OK, Local Knowledge, you're coming with us. Bring the new human. ( The Doctor enters the TARDIS, then steps back out again. ) No! Don't bring the new human. I'll just get distracted. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. TARDIS ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( We hear some tones and a beam of light moves down Rigsy's body. ) The Doctor: If you want your extremities to stay attached, stand absolutely still. If not, we can provide a small bag, you can take them home at the end. Clara: ( looking at a monitor ) Rigsy, your phone. It's like they've wiped it, but only the last day. No location data, no texts, nothing. You're sure the screen wasn't cracked before yesterday? Rigsy: Mm-hm. The Doctor: Oh, right, OK, here we go. ( looking at the scan results on a monitor ) Ah... Good. Weird. Good and weird. Rigsy: Can I...? The Doctor: Oh, yes, yes. Of course. ( snaps his fingers ) First off... in the last 24 hours, you've had significant contact with alien life-forms, right here in the centre of London. Rigsy: OK, so why don't I remember anything? The Doctor: You've been retconned. Rigsy: Huh? Clara: What-conned? The Doctor: Amnesia drug. Your pre-frontal cortex is marinating in it. Oh, there's something else! Something... Er... not good. Weird. ( The Doctor moves over towards Clara, while picking up some white cards from the console. He begins looking through them in front of Clara. ) Rigsy: What's he doing? Clara: He's making an effort to be nice. The Doctor: ( hushed ) There is no nice way to say you're about to die. Rigsy: What?! The Doctor: Rigsy... Rigsy: No, no, no, no, don't start using my actual name now! Call me Pudding Brain, call me Local Knowledge, whatever. Just don't call me Rigsy. You're going to save me. You're a doctor. That's what you do. The Doctor: OK. OK... Yes, OK, let's do this thing. First up, stop the countdown. 526 minutes, right! OK. Yes, you know what, Local Knowledge, I don't know who did this to you or why. But I do almost certainly know... how to find them. ( The Doctor pushes some buttons and pulls a lever. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Library - Day ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( The TARDIS materializes on the pavement beside a stone building. The Doctor, followed by Clara and then Rigsy exit the TARDIS and walk away from us. Cut to: looking down a long, wide corridor with high vaulted ceiling. The three walk towards us. ) The Doctor: There have always been rumours. Stories passed from traveller to traveller, mutterings about hidden streets, secret pockets of alien life right here on Earth. Like a smuggler's cove, only not a cove, because it's right here. Right in the middle of the capital. Rigsy: The hidden places are in the Great British Library? The Doctor: No. The maps are. ( The Doctor indicates a room with "Map Room" on the door and they enter. ) I never put stock in it. London streets that suddenly disappeared from human view? No. ( The Doctor unrolls a bundle of maps on a desk. ) You lot are always overlooking things, but whole streets? That would be excessive, even for you. If the stories are true, though, there should be a street on one of these old maps that no longer exists in the real world. Clara: Like a trap street, only not. The Doctor: What did you say? Clara: A trap street. You know, when someone's making a map, a, um... cartographer, uses a fake street, throws it into the mix, names it after one of his kids or whatever. Then if the fake street, the trap street, ever shows up on someone else's map, they know their work's been stolen. Clever, right? The Doctor: My God. A whole London street just up and disappeared and you lot assume it's a copyright infringement. Rigsy: So we're looking for a trap street? The Doctor: We're looking for a trap street and we're not going to find it here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. TARDIS ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: The glasses are tracking your eye movements. Just keep looking straight down and... Clara: I know! Focus on the buildings directly below me. The Doctor: Whatever they're using, it only hides the street itself. It prevents you from noticing there's even something missing. They're somehow making our eyes skate right over it. Let's call it a misdirection circuit. ( Rumbling ) Rigsy: Clara! ( She whoops and laughs ) ( She whoops ) Clara: Hello, London! ( She laughs ) Clara: I'm good. I'm good. Rigsy: She enjoyed that...way too much. The Doctor: Tell me about it. It's an ongoing problem. Here. Keep it steady. Just move it slowly over the grid. When we're done, we'll have a map of the areas of the grid that Clara couldn't focus on. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Pedestrian Precinct - London - Day ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: So, these are the bits my eyes skated over. The Doctor: OK, we split up. Clara, that way. Local Knowledge... Forget the way you usually look at the world. This street's going to be hiding in plain sight. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. London Street - Day ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: 22, 23... The Doctor (O.C.): If you see something unusual or notable, dismiss it. Just keep walking. But if there's a bit of London so unremarkable that you don't even think about it... stop. You could very well be standing right outside a trap street. Count everything that you see. Clara: Four, five, six... The Doctor (O.C.): Because when you hit the area around a trap street, it's very likely you'll lose count. The Doctor: 79... 80... 81... 82. Young boy: Huh? The Doctor: Remember - 82. Boy's Mum: Come along! Young boy: 82! The Doctor (O.C.): You'll lose count because the misdirection circuit is creating confusion in your mind. Details won't add up. Reality will have glitches in it. Like when you try to read the same simple sentence three times over... Clara: One, two, three... The Doctor (O.C.): ..and the meaning just won't sink in. Clara: Got ya. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. London Street Corner - Day ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Clara! Clara! Rigsy: Clara! Clara: It's off this street, I am certain. The Doctor: We're very close. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. TARDIS ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor (O.C.): We need to distract our other senses. Clara, go back to the TARDIS. Pick up all my most annoying stuff. ( Phone beeps ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. London Street - Day ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: What happened to the stuff I asked you to bring? Clara: Someone called you. Yesterday, 6am. Blocked number. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Flashback ] Man: She's dead. [ End Flashback ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: What is it? What are you remembering? Clara: Rigsy, what is it? Rigsy: You can't see it? There! Clara: I see it. You? The Doctor: 50 minutes left. Hoodie up, Local Knowledge. They know what you look like in there. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. London Alley / Courtyard ] [SCENE_BREAK] Rigsy: How come I saw it when you guys couldn't? The Doctor: You were upset, weren't you? Something slipped through the retcon memory, something that took over your whole mind, something juicy. So the misdirection circuit lost its power over you. Clara: Surely people wander in here all the time, then, distracted, on their phones or whatever? The Doctor: Perhaps they do... ( Alarm rings ) ( He growls ) Man: Three at once. That's new. Rump: Hang about. ( sniffs ) This one don't smell human. Kabel: Name, species and case for asylum. Quick as you like. The Doctor: Asylum? Kabel: The reason you're here. The reason you need sanctuary. Why didn't they use the protocol? Rigsy: I saw through the circuit again. I saw them. They're definitely not human. Rump: You do know this is a refugee camp? The Doctor: Yeah, of course. Ashildr: Of course he does! Now that you've told him. Rump: Mayor Me. Clara: Ashildr! Ashildr: Ashildr? The Doctor: That's your name. I keep telling you that. Ashildr: Do you? Infinite lifespan, finite memory - it makes for an awkward social life. You must be Clara Oswald. You're as beautiful as your photos. Clara: We met. Ashildr: Yes, I know. It's in my diaries. Oh, don't look like that! I enjoyed our conversations. I've read them many times. Clara: OK, that's...slightly odd. But nice. Um, hang on, so this is where you've been. That's why he lost track of you. Oh, come on, please. It's really cute, he thinks I don't know. He's got this whole secret room in the TARDIS where he collects mentions of you. Ashildr: It's not cute. It's surveillance. The Doctor: It's professional interest. Ashildr: Precautionary measure. The Doctor: Still saving the world from me, then? Ashildr: It's still here, isn't it? Clara: He lost track of you in the early 1800s. I wondered if you were... Ashildr: Oh, no. I let him know I was OK. The Doctor: I saw you. Ashildr: No. I got your attention. The Doctor: Yes, you did, and you have. Now we need your help. Someone in this place is in control of a Quantum Shade. Rump: ( snarls ) I knew I recognised that smell. Ashildr: Oh. Clara: Ashildr? What's going on? The Doctor: You. Ashildr: How do you know this man? Clara: Hang on. You did this to Rigsy? The Doctor: What have you done? Ashildr: This man committed a crime. I sentenced him. Clara: Sentenced him? Ashildr: I also gave him enough time to return home and say goodbye to his family. The Doctor: You flooded his brain with retcon! Till we showed up, he didn't even know he had to say goodbye. Ashildr: I'm afraid no intruder leaves this place without a memory wipe. With respect, that will include you. Clara: Oh, the hell it will! The Doctor: Ashildr, given we're all going to forget this conversation anyway, perhaps you could tell us what happened here yesterday to necessitate a death sentence? Ashildr: Fine, I'll show you. Mr Kabel, Mr Rump. Permit them entry. The Doctor: No! You've already endangered one of my friends. I want your personal guarantee you will not endanger another. Clara: Shut up, I can handle myself. Ashildr: I guarantee the safety of Clara Oswald. She will be under my personal protection. That is absolute. Kabel: If that's your wish, Mayor Me. Ashildr: This way. Rump: Murderer. Clara: What did you say? Rigsy: Murderer. He called me a murderer. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Alley ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: So you're still calling yourself Me, then? Ashildr: Me? The Doctor: Mayor Me. Ashildr: Mayor is a title. I give myself a title for the same reason you do, Doctor - something to live up to. The Doctor: Difficult, isn't it? How long have you been here? Ashildr: Since Waterloo. The Doctor: The battle? Ashildr: No, the station. Really, Doctor. Tread carefully while you're here. Some of your greatest enemies are within a few feet of you. As far as you're concerned, this is the most dangerous street in London. Clara: Fascinating. Now, can we skip to the part where you want Rigsy dead for some reason? Woman: It's him! He's back! Ashildr: It's best we get him inside first. Man (O.C.): Murderer. You're not welcome here. Rigsy: They look at me as if they want to kill me themselves. Man (O.C.): Don't want your kind round here. Man (O.C.): Murderer! ( Hissing ) Ashildr: Like I said, it's best we get inside. Woman (O.C.): Filthy murderer! Rigsy: Wait, Clara. Look. The Doctor: This misdirection circuit of yours is remarkable. The cloaking device that hides the street, makes everyone look like humans. Ashildr: It's no device. It's the Lurkworms. Quite something, aren't they? The light is a telepathic field. It normalises everything you see, places it within the compass of your expectations, your experiences. You can bypass them, of course. The Doctor: Aiyaah! Ashildr: Don't worry. We're perfectly safe. The Doctor: Yes, a phrase I find is usually followed by a lot of screaming and running and bleeding. Ashildr: I brokered a truce. We have strict rules against violence here. Rules every creature must abide by if they wish to remain on the street. Man (O.C.): Get away from us! Don't want your kind round here. Ashildr: What's better, that they're in here with me, peaceful and cooperative, or out there on Earth like the Zygons? We haven't had an act of violence on this street for 100 years, until yesterday, when your friend here attacked one of our most vulnerable residents. Clara: How did Rigsy even get in? I mean, we barely managed it... [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. House - Entrance Hall ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: .. and we knew what we were looking for... Ashildr: She was found at the entrance of the street. No weapon on the scene, but the cause of death is likely the head wound. Seems she was knocked to the cobblestones. Clara: "Seems"? You've sentenced Rigsy to death yet you don't know exactly what's going on? Ashildr: He was found over the body. My people were angry, frightened. I had to act. Clara: This is ridiculous, this is... The Doctor: What was her name? Ashildr: Anah. We're keeping her here until someone can take her home for burial. The Doctor: She's a Janus! Ashildr: She escaped slavery. She fled here with her child. The Doctor: The child. A daughter? Ashildr: No. A boy. Clara: Is that bad? The Doctor: No, it's not bad, it's just unhelpful. A daughter might've seen who killed her mother. The female Janus is psychic. One face sees into the future, the other looks behind her, into the past. Clara: I think we saw her son outside. Rigsy: Clara, what if I did do it? I mean, I wouldn't have meant to hurt her, but... What if I wandered in and saw what she really looked like? What if I freaked? The Doctor: You didn't just wander in here. You were called here at 6am by a number from a mystery phone. Clara: There is no way you did this. Ashildr: So, what then? You think someone called him here? Set him up? Clara: Yes! Chronolock Guy(O.C. outside): Mayor! Clara: Obviously! Which means one of your pet aliens out there is the real killer. ( Banging on door ) Chronolock Guy(O.C.): I just need to talk to her. Ashildr: Excuse me. I'm sorry. The Doctor: Yes. Please, go. It's not like we've got a ticking clock or anything. Chronolock Guy(O.C. outside): Mayor, I beg of you, please... The Doctor: 41 minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Courtyard ] [SCENE_BREAK] Chronolock Guy: Lock me up, throw us out, anything but this. Please. I only took it to save her. Ashildr: How many minutes left? Rump: Two, Madam Mayor. Ashildr: This man stole medical rations. He broke a rule of the street and he stole from all of you. And yes, I can remove the chronolock. But I won't. Our rules keep us safe. Chronolock Guy's Wife: Give it to me. Please. Tell me I can have it. One word. Say it. Say yes. Chronolock Guy: I did this to save you, you silly old thing. You really think I could lose you now? Rigsy: What's happening? The Doctor: It's called a Quantum Shade. It's kind of a spirit. Once it's bound to a victim, you could flee across all of time and all of the universe, it would still find you. ( Raven caws ) Kabel: Don't run. Stay with her. ( Raven caws ) Chronolock Guy's Wife: Don't go! Kabel: Why do they always run? Chronolock Guy: Help me, somebody, please! The Doctor: At least give him a merciful death. Ashildr: Do you think a Cyberman fears a merciful death? Chronolock Guy: Help me, please! Ashildr: Peace on this street depends on one thing. To break it in any way is to face the raven. Chronolock Guy: Please help me! [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Alley ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( He pants ) ( He screams ) ( People gasp ) ( Raven caws ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Courtyard ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ashildr: I have no wish to harm your friend if he's innocent, Doctor. Question anyone. Examine the body. But it's not me you need to convince of Rigsy's innocence. It's them. ( Crowd murmurs ) Clara: OK, we split up. Cover more ground. I'm good cop, you're bad cop. The Doctor: No, no, we don't have to... Can I not be the good cop? Clara: Doctor, we've discussed this. Your face. The Doctor: Oh, yes. Forget about cops. Forget about finding the real killer. You heard Ashildr. All we have to do is persuade these creatures that it isn't Rigsy. And fast. ( Baby cries, on phone ) Rigsy (on phone): Ssh! Ssh! Jen (O.C. on phone): She's been like this all day. Rigsy (on phone): Listen, you be good for your mum, OK? I'm doing my best to get home to you guys. Jen (O.C. on phone): She won't stop crying. Rigsy (on phone): Yeah, I know. Yeah, she can probably tell you're upset. Clara: Rump? It's, em, Rump, isn't it? That man's wife. She said something. "Give it to me, tell me I can have it." What did she mean? Rump: Two ways to survive a Quantum Shade. The Shade's master removes the chronolock... or you can give it to someone else. Clara: Give it? You can just... Rump: No, you can't just push it on someone. It's not that simple. It has to be taken willingly. The death's already locked in. You can pass it on, but... you can't cheat it. Rigsy: You're serious? You actually expect me to give you my death sentence? Clara: Ssh! Go on, I've always wanted a tattoo. You know, something small. Discreet. Rigsy: Clara. Cut it out. Clara: Weren't you listening? I'm under the Mayor's personal protection. And it's absolute, apparently. Look, she controls the raven, so I will never have to face it. This is clever. Rigsy: But this is putting you in danger. Clara: No, this is us talking the opposition into their own trap. This is Doctor 101. We're buying time. We get all the aliens on our side in the next half an hour, and then we reveal I've got the chronolock, not you, and boom! We buy ourselves more time to find the real killer. Rigsy: The Doctor would never let you do this. Clara: Doctor 102 - never tell anyone your actual plan. He'll have a tantrum when he finds out. And then, when we confront Ashildr, she'll want to take the chronolock off just to shut him up. What happens if you don't go home tonight to Jen and Lucy, eh? If you never go home? You really want your little girl growing up without a father just because he wouldn't take a risk? You trusted us to save you, so trust us. Come on. Rigsy: OK. All right. How do we do this, then? Clara: Well, I was kind of hoping that would be it. I say I want it, you say, "You can have it" - done deal. Hey, turn around, let me see. ( Caws ) Rigsy: So this is your life, then? Bouncing around time, saving people? Clara: No, not every day. Sometimes Jane Austen and I prank each other. Oh, she is the worst. I love her. Take that how you like. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Ale House ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Are you sure it wasn't someone from the street? Rump: I've told you already there wasn't anyone up that end of the street except Anah and the human. The Doctor: I've identified 27 different species on this street so far, 15 of whom are known for aggression. Why is it so hard to believe one of them is capable of murder? Rump: Capable of murder? Yeah. Capable of killing Anah? No. The Doctor: Why not? What's so special about her? Habrian Woman: It was the way she looked at you. Like she understood. Elderly Woman: One glance into your past and she felt it all. Every battle, every loss. The Doctor: So you just want the human dead, is that it? Rump: You don't get it, do you? If the human didn't do it, that means one of us did it, which means folks start pointing fingers, turning on each other, and once we turn on each other in here, that's it. I might as well be back in a war zone. The Doctor: So you'll just let Rigsy die? Rump: To keep the peace? Yeah, I will. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Courtyard ] [SCENE_BREAK] Kabel: Your friend, acting like he was all scared of us, calling for a doctor. The Doctor: A what? Kabel: I know. The cheek of it! Humans can survive losing entire limbs and I'm supposed to believe he... The Doctor: Shut up! Shut up. The other thing you said, the second thing - what, you said he was scared and... Kabel: And he asked the Mayor to call HIM a doctor. Poor Anah, dead at his feet, and... The Doctor: Shh! Did he say "a doctor" or "the doctor"? This is very, very important. Kabel: THE doctor. There was nothing wrong with him, mind. It was all just your standard human lies... The Doctor: Clara gave you my number for emergencies. So when you wake up with a weird tattoo on your neck and no memory of the last 24 hours the first thing you do is call the Doctor. Rigsy: "Call the Doctor." The Doctor: But you find yourself accused of murder on a strange alien street in the middle of London? Only they've taken your phone so you beg the woman in charge to call me instead. She knew you and I were friends. So why did she lie? Unless she had something to hide. Man (O.C.): Murderer! The Doctor: There's something very wrong here and we're running out of time. Clara: There's 12 minutes left. I'm not giving up yet. Rigsy: Clara, even if one of them knows something, they're not going to come forward. The way they look at me... Clara: The way they look at you? Rigsy: What? [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Anahson's House ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( She knocks ) Clara: Hey. Wait. Everyone here is weird around us because of Rigsy. But not you. You look at me and the Doctor like you're confused. Like you're curious. Anahson: I don't know what you mean. Clara: You do. You know Rigsy is innocent because you can look into his past and you can see it. Can't you? [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Anahson's House ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: She dressed you as a boy to protect you, but really you're a girl. You have the gift. Anahson: It is no gift. I'm safe as a boy. This is the first place I've ever been safe, and you want me to throw it away? To admit what I am? The Doctor: The Mayor - what is she up to? It's nothing good, is it? Anahson: I can't see everything... but she thinks she's doing the right thing. The Doctor: They usually do. If what Ashildr is doing is harmless, then we'll just walk out of that door. No-one will know of your abilities. But if it's not... Anahson: I don't know what she means to do. No, I'm trying! But I can't see it. I can't see it because it involves you. When I look at you, I can't tell your past from your future, and there's so very much of both. The Doctor: This isn't about Rigsy. It's about me. ( Whispering echoes ) Anahson (distorted): She couldn't just ask you here. She needed a mystery. You can never resist a mystery. She's afraid. The Doctor: Afraid of what? Of whom? Anahson: I can't see. I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Alley ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Caws ) The Doctor: You! Hold your tongue. We've got ten minutes left! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. House - Entrance Hall ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Ashildr said Anah was being taken home for burial. But the Janus burn their dead. Rigsy: Is that true? Clara: So, look, Ashildr got it wrong. What does it matter? Come on! The Doctor: There's something about this tech... Rigsy: Doctor, we don't have time! Anahson: What is it? The Doctor: It looks like medical data. Anahson: But it can't be. She's dead - she isn't breathing. The Doctor: This thing is a stasis pod. If you're dead, it's a kind of fancy refrigerator. But if you're alive... ( Heartbeat ) The Doctor: ..it simply keeps you that way. Anahson: She's alive? The Doctor: She's alive. Anahson: Well, get her out! Get her out of there! The Doctor: There must be a way to unlock it - something basic, something simple I'm missing. Rigsy: A keyhole! The Doctor: A keyhole would be very handy, yes, but... Rigsy: No, no, a keyhole! Look! I'll find her. I'll get the key. The Doctor: No, Anahson, stay here. There's a reason the Mayor's gone AWOL. She means for us to release your mother, but she doesn't want us to use her key. She wants to use mine. Clara: The TARDIS? That's what this is about? Doctor, wait! The Doctor: This girl needs her mother. Clara: Doctor! The Doctor: I can't... ( Clicking ) What's it doing? ( CLANG! ) Anahson: Mum! Mum? Are you OK? Ashildr: She'll be perfectly fine in a few moments. I assure you. The Doctor: There are easier ways to steal a key, you know. Ashildr: I don't want your TARDIS. That's not what this is about. Rigsy, come here, I'll remove your chronolock. The Doctor: What is this, Ashildr? You can't possibly think it'll keep me here. Ashildr: It's not a restraint. It's a teleport bracelet. Clara: What? Ashildr: I'll give you time to say goodbye. Don't worry. No-one will be hurt. The Doctor: Where are you sending me? Ashildr: I made a deal to protect the street. They take you, I take the key so you can't be traced. I do as they tell me, and the street is safe. The Doctor: They? Who are "they?" Ashildr: One more thing. Your confession dial. They have other means of procuring it, but I understand it's likely to be on your person. Please, no resistance. You've already lost. What is it? The Doctor: In your terms, my last will and testament. Ashildr: How does it work? The Doctor: I've no idea. Ashildr: Well, thank you anyway. Rigsy, your neck. Rigsy: Clara, what are you playing at? The chronolock! Clara: Take the teleport off him first! Rigsy: I don't have it, I'm telling you. Clara does! Ashildr: No... No, you didn't. Clara: Go on, then. Take it off. The Doctor: Clara, you didn't...! Ashildr: I had no idea she'd do something so stupid. I swear, I never meant for anyone to get hurt. What were you thinking, sacrificing yourself? Clara: I wasn't sacrificing anything! It was strategy. backup plan, to buy us more time. The Doctor: Who told you to give it to her? Clara: Nobody did! I did! Rump said... The Doctor: What exactly did Rump say? Clara: He said the death is locked in. You can pass it on, but... The Doctor: But what? Clara: But... Ashildr (O.C.): But you can't cheat it altogether. ( Caws ) Rigsy: Clara, you didn't tell me that! Give it back to me, now. Ashildr: She can't. Clara, I made a contract with the Shade when I put the chronolock on Rigsy. I promised it a soul and only I can break that contract. When you took it from him, you changed the terms. You cut me out of the deal. ( Raven caws ) Clara: We can fix this. Can't we? We always fix it. The Doctor: No. (to Ashildr) But you can. Fix this. Fix it now. Ashildr: It... It's not possible. I can't. The Doctor: Yes, it is, you can, and you will, or this street will be over. I'll show you and all your funny little friends to the whole laughing world. I'll bring UNIT, I'll bring the Zygons. Give me a minute, I'll bring the Daleks and the Cybermen. You will save Clara, and you will do it now, or I will rain hell on you for the rest of time. Ashildr: Doctor, stop talking like that. You can't. The Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories, you know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me? Ashildr: I know the Doctor. The Doctor would never... The Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love. Clara: Doctor, for God's sake, will you stop? The Doctor: No! Clara: I did this, do you hear me? I did this. This was my fault. The Doctor: I don't care. Clara: Liar. You always care. Always have. Your reign of terror will end with the sight of the first crying child and you know it. The Doctor: No, I don't. Clara: I do. Listen... If this is the last I ever see of you, please... not like this. ( Distant cawing ) Clara: Is there anything you can do? Ashildr: I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry, I... Clara: Time's short. Yes or no? Ashildr: No. ( He breathes heavily ) Clara: Well, if Danny Pink can do it, so can I. The Doctor: Do what? Clara: Die right. Die like I mean it. Face the raven. The Doctor: No, this isn't happening, this can't be happening. Clara: Maybe this is what I wanted. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is why I kept running. Maybe this is why I kept taking all those stupid risks. Kept pushing it. The Doctor: This is my fault. Clara: This is my choice. The Doctor: I let you get reckless. Clara: Why? Why shouldn't I be so reckless? You're reckless all the bloody time! Why can't I be like you? The Doctor: Clara, there's nothing special about me. I'm nothing but I'm less breakable than you. I should have taken care of you. Clara: I never asked you to. The Doctor: You shouldn't have to ask. ( Raven caws ) ( People scream ) Rigsy: Clara, if I'd known, I'd... Clara: Don't. Shut up. Rigsy: But... Clara: Really, Rigsy, shut up. If you feel guilty about this, even for one minute, I... ( Cawing ) Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me. Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next... wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor. The Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you? Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So... I'm not asking you for a promise. I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no-one else, here or anywhere, will suffer. The Doctor: What about me? Clara: If there was something I could do about that, I would. I guess we're both just going to have to be brave. The Doctor: Clara... Clara: Everything you are about to say, I already know. Don't do it now. We've already had enough bad timing. ( Raven caws ) The Doctor: Don't run. Stay with me. Clara: Nah. You stay here. In the end, everybody does this alone. The Doctor: Clara... Clara: This is as brave... as I know how to be. I know it's going to hurt you, but...please... be a little proud of me. Goodbye, Doctor. ( Raven caws ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Alley ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Caws ) Clara: Let me be brave. Let me be brave... ( She gasps ) ( She exhales ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. House - Entrance Hall ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ashildr: I'm sorry, Doctor. I truly am. ( Controls beep ) The Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge - do you know why she said that? Ashildr: She was saving you. The Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best. But I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you. ( Bracelet beeps ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ To be continued... ] [ Next Time ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: This whole place is designed to terrify me. I know you. I've seen you before. If you were any part in killing her and you're not afraid, then you understand nothing at all. I am the Doctor, I'm coming to find you and I will never, ever stop.
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Me. It's chubby chic. The wedding's not really happening, is it? - The wedding's off? - No. Ten minutes ago, you said you were engaged. - EMMA: Well, it's not happening - MOTHER: I mean, I don't - because she's gay! - Just stop interrupt (GULPING) MOTHER: We're going. David wanted to pop in and water the plants. He's got such a toxic energy. Dad's dead. (SOBBING) You sure it's true (SUCKS TEETH) but convenient? - Convenient that his dad died? - Well Without her, you would have nothing. You barely have me and You probably won't be here much longer. (DAVID SOBS) (SEXUAL MOANING) - Mom? - Did anything happen last night? EMMA: Oh God. I'm sorry, I don't feel safe when she does that. Sally, let's go. (PANTING) - That was incredible. - Mm. (WHISPERING): Did you like it when I toe-fucked you? - Mm, yeah. - Yeah. - So tired. - Yeah. - I felt like I was, like - Pretty tired. pushing my toe into a little wet shoe. Tiny sticky shoe. (HUMMING) Little butterfly on your cheek. - Yeah. - Mm. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop-boo. Big fat butterfly. - Yeah, okay. - (BOTH LAUGH) - Meet the scratchy beetle. - (GRUNTS) Hello. Hmm, that's so nice. - I kind of like being still. - Mm. - (BUZZING) - Okay. Mr. Buzzy Bee! Maybe how about no more animals in my face for now? - (BLOWING) - Okay. Sorry. Was I too much? No, no. I can't get enough of you. You know, I miss you when you're asleep. I miss you at work. - I know. - Can we Skype again tomorrow? Um, it's really difficult for me because you know, I've got so much work on, and - It's no wonder you're tired. - Yeah. You know, if you want to go back to your place and get a change of clothes, that might be a good idea. God, no. I'm fine, honestly. I, um, found a really cute pair of your knickers, actually. 'Cause I was, um turning mine inside out. I have to tell you, it kind of just reaches a point where, you know Mm. Well, normally, after two days, it's Well, yeah. Yeah. Mine yet really, really gloppy. Like, you know, like, crusty and have big pooh stripes. Oh, God. (KINGS OF CONVENIENCE'S "TOXIC GIRL" PLAYING) In the sky the birds are pulling rain (ELEANOR HUFFS) In your life a curse has got a name Makes you lie awake all through the night Hi, Nigel. She's intoxicated by herself Nigel. Every day she's seen with someone else EMMA: What are you looking at baby? Mustard pillows? (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) (EMMA GIGGLING) KATE: Sally? - KATE: Hi! - DAN: Hi, Sal. SALLY: Hi. How are you? - Hi. I'm Dan. Hi, nice to meet you. - Hi. I'm Emma. Haven't seen you for ages. You never answer your phone. - I do. How are you? - I've been ringing you. - Where have you been? - Just here, in the shops. DAN: Doug, I'm in furniture hell, mate. How long did you stay at Wonky-Tonks? - Is that Dan Barrow-Felfe? - Yes, yes. Oh, my God. That's amazing. - How do you know him? - He's my husband? Oh, God. Well done. So what's this about an engagement? Huh? This ? - Is David absolutely thrilled? - It's good to see you. We've got to We've got to go. Sorry. Um, I was wondering, can I be a real w*nk*r (LAUGHS) and give you my show reel? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Brilliant. - Thank you. - Are you an actress? - Yeah. Emma De Florentier. - Nice name. - Yeah. I'm such a big, big fan. - DAN: I'll check it out. - SALLY: We have to go. - Sorry? - I've got an appointment. - What appointment? - The thing that I was talking to you about. Okay. We should hang out! It's so great to meet you guys. - So good. We've got to go. - You've got amazing eyes. DAN: I love you. SALLY: We've really got to go. - Stop it. - KATE: Easy tiger. (WHEELCHAIR MOTOR WHIRRING) - (THUDS) - (LAUGHS COYLY) Great minds. I'm actually just trying to do a tiny bit of work, - and have a quiet little coffee, so - Oh. Lovely to, lovely to see you, Eleanor. Mmm. Yay. Thank you. Mmm. Mmm. (GLUGGING) Mmm, mmm. (GLUGGING) (RHYTHMIC GLUGGING) You okay? - Yeah. Help yourself, by the way. - I'm okay. - I'm fine. - No, I insist. (GIGGLES) - (CLICKS, WHIRS) - I'm okay, yeah. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) - Cake? - No, thanks. Okay, more for me. (GIGGLES) You've pimped up your pimped up your ride. Did I? - Amazing. - Just a bit of fun. May I get the bill, please? (ALARM CLOCK RINGING) SALLY: Hi. - Hey. - (PHONE CLATTERS) (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) - Hey. - Hi. I just made lunch. - Thank you. - Little potatoes. - My little baby potato. - I've got to go to work. Oh, honey, please don't go to work. Why do you have to go to work? - I'm gonna miss you. - I've got to. Oh, my God. Okay? Emma, I've got to go to work now. We can't do that. What are you doing? God, I just My phone Come on, I can't be late for work again, Emma. I just really need to taste your pussy. - I need to taste your pussy. - Oh, my God. (PANTING) Please, Em. I can't be late for work. - (EMMA PANTING) - Oh, God. Oh, it tastes like the sea. - (MOANS) - Em. (EMMA PANTING RAPIDLY) Oh, yeah. Yeah! - f*ck! - Oh, yeah! - Oh, sh1t! - Yeah! - f*ck. - Oh, me, too. f*ck, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t! - f*ck. - Yeah, yeah, you're coming! Oh, my God! Jesus! It's f*cking 10:30! - (EMMA PANTING) - f*ck! Emma, I've got to go. - f*ck. I'm really sorry. - What the f*ck are you doing? I'm really f*cking late for work. EMMA: Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you? sh1t, sh1t, sh1t. - I'm so sorry, I've just - What is wrong with you? Sorry. I've got to SALLY: Ow! f*ck. - What? - Did you just kick me? What are you talking about? - I've got to go. - Why are you being so weird? You're really scaring me. We should get therapy. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) Bounce I'm so sorry. God. MICK: Ah, you've not missed much. Just a load of desperate dads perving at the waitresses. Nige' included. Mind you, he's hit the jackpot, there, lucky sod. - ELEANOR: Do you think? - MICK: Yeah. She looks very manly to me. You should come to one of my keep fit sessions. Maybe I will. Yeah. - Are you a widower? - Oh, no. No. - Just got one of them faces. - Right. Yeah. You got a nice, big body, though. Thank you very much. - Should just tone up a bit. - Yeah, sure. Yeah, well, maybe I'll come to one of your classes. - Yeah, you should. - Yeah. I mean, I've got good upper body strength, but, um, my legs are quite weak. - Hmm. - Um, withered. Not withered, but quite - Do you lift much, Nigel? - Lift? - Yeah, actually lift. - Uh, just things around the house. So sorry, Deborah. All the clocks at home are wrong. Oh, yeah, right. I suppose the dog ate your homework, as well. Honestly, you're clearly not taking this promotion seriously at all, Sally. Oh, no. No, thanks. Can I get one? Thanks very much. Evening. Glad you could make it. Ha, ha, ha. That's not funny. Deborah just gave me a bollocking. - Oh. - Who's your new friend? That's Roquette. Yeah, she's a fitness instructor. - Roquette. - Yeah. Like the leaf, you know, strong, peppery. The French twist. She does a bounce-back class for people coming out of relationships. - Getting them back on the horse. - Mm-hmm. - This is the class. - Oh, hi. - Hi. - Hello, there. - NIGEL: That's for you. - BOTH: Thank you. - Cheers. - Oh, cheers to you. Yeah, you should come around. You know, for some mac and cheese one night. NIGEL: That sounds nice. Yeah. You can still eat nice food, but just Bounce it off? - I bounce it off every morning. - Yeah, me too. Mum, I need a sh1t. Little charmer, isn't he? - She's fun. - Yes. Yeah, she is. Full of beans. Legend. Did I just I'd be a little bit careful. - Why? - Yeah, she looks very aggressive. No, I mean, she's got a child. ELEANOR: But you like kids, though, don't you, Nigel? I love kids. Me too. Luckily, I, um, froze my eggs, so What about you, Mick? Do you ever fancy kids? (SCOFFS) If I did, it's not something I'd admit to. (GASPS) BELINDA: Are you okay for drinks? I would love, um, a cortado. There's just water. Um, so, why don't we start by you telling me a little bit about, um, what's going on for you at the moment. - Um - Sorry, I can see that you've got a hot drink. Oh, yes, no, that's an herbal tea that I made in my own time, so It's fine. I think, um I don't think we really, um, need therapy. Yeah, I mean, you know, everything's pretty good, really. I think it's just teething problems. And just mopping up a few sort of - Stains? - Uh, yeah. Issues. Emotional stains. Right. Okay. I feel like when I first met - Emma, you know, she was really attractive. - Yeah. Really fun. Really, um smart. And then, as the weeks went on, I think I saw another side of her - Sides of her that I really don't like, at all. - Mm. She actually she kicked me in the shin - when I was going to be late for work. - Mm-hmm. Sort of play, a playful ? - Yeah. - I didn't like it. I mean, I don't remember it, but I'm sure it would've been a It was either, you know, when you get that reflex in the knee - Yes. - EMMA: with a small hammer? Or it was a playful tussle. - Yeah. - Like horseplay. So it's about perception. I imagine if it's new, there's a lot of Sally's body that you're wanting to really get your hands on, and explore. Absolutely. There's no bit that I don't want to - Dig into. - Dig into. - Okay. - But Sally just has some real kind of blocks about (CLEARS THROAT) certain sexual things I'd like to do. What sort of things? I just really like exploring the body - using different parts of the body. - Mm-hmm. Just give me an example What sort of ? Well, I was trying, to, um I don't know if you've heard of nose f*cking - Mm-hmm. - EMMA: in the anus. - Right. - I tried that. - BELINDA: And what happened? - I'm sorry, I'm not very comfortable talking about this. She just didn't really like it, um, or Mm-hmm. And what was it, Sally, that you found difficult? There's some tissues there if you want some. I think it's partly she didn't know what was happening. - Okay. - I perhaps should have told her before. - But that's not very spontaneous, so - Mm-hmm. - Was it that, or ? - Yeah, I found it frightening. Frightening? Okay, uh I only knew she was really frightened when she broke wind. - Okay. - SALLY: I really didn't like it. You didn't like it? I'd love it if she did that to me. Would you consider that, Sally? No. - No? - I sort of almost tried - to make her do that. - BELINDA: Popping around? Well, I was just, I tried to sort of sit on you, didn't I, one morning. Reversed myself onto her face, but Well, it's very sensitive of you to just start to try that out and gently um, encourage Sally. I pretended I was looking for something - Right. - on the bed, and just sort of - you know - Wiggled back. And that wasn't something that you wanted to No. I should have had a bath first, maybe, but Wonderful. Wonderful. - You okay? - BELINDA: Yeah, have a tissue. - I'm fine. - BELINDA: Are you sure? - Yeah. - Ba-ba-ba-da, ba-ba-ba-ba-dah Could you fill up my sippy cup? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry if I'm a bit hyper. Amazing weekend. - Really? - Yeah. Me and Nigel. Yeah, we went to this art exhibition. Amazing! He loves his cake. That's me feeding him. - SALLY: Yeah? - ELEANOR: Yeah. (GIGGLES) - You okay? - Yeah. I saw on David's Instagram that the engagement's on hold. Which I suppose means off? Honestly, ha Men! Ba-ba-ba-da, ba-bi-da-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba - (CRASHING) - Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-di-da-ba It's okay. It's fine. Ba ba, ba-da ba ba SALLY: No, I mean, I do want you to meet her. You know, she's my best friend. EMMA: Is Dan definitely going to be there? SALLY: Yeah, I'm sure. EMMA: Okay, cool. Do I look okay? SALLY: Umm. Yeah. KATE: Hi. Oh, thank you. - SALLY: Oh, hi. - KATE: Darling. - Aw, it's so nice to meet you properly. - And you. And you. There you are. Thank you for this. That looks lovely. Mm, it's quite expensive wine, so I hope it's nice. Thank you, thank you. Me loves me booze. - ALL: Cheers. - To new friends. Yes, yes. Oh, yeah. So you're an actress? - Yeah. - And a musician. - KATE: Wow. - Yeah, I've actually, um - I've got my CD if you want to pop that on. - Thank you. It's my 14th album, but, um, yeah - Pop it on. - Wow, I will do. Okay. - Thank you. - Yeah. Yeah. - I know Bryan Ferry really well. - KATE: Do you? Oh, should I get that? It's boiling over. Oh, God, thank you. I'm sorry! It's all just a bit much for me. EMMA: Oh, my God, it's only pasta. - Are you okay with that? - No, I don't eat gluten, actually. Uh, I've got I might have some gluten-free I don't like gluten-free stuff. It's horrible. It's really dry. There's salad, and I'm sure we can we'll get you something, I'm sure. - I could do a bit of this. - SALLY: Lovely. EMMA: That tomato was on the counter, just now. - I'll cut up another one. - Just a bit paranoid about salmonella and stuff. - KATE: It's all very clean. - EMMA: Do you have a cleaner? - Yes, I do. Yeah, yeah. I just can't do everything. - You try, though, don't you. You know what, I do. I do. You know, I'm constantly, you know EMMA: What do you do? Well, just, I'm a mom with the kids at the moment. Um - Is that everything? - Yeah. Oh, my God. Who is this? - KATE: Molly. You should really be in bed. - DAN: Hey. - EMMA: Hi. - DAN: Why is Molly still up? KATE: I was going to take her back to bed, but do you want to take her back to bed? DAN: I'm so tired. I've just got so much work on. Do you mind? Okay, fine. I'll do it, then. Will you just give them a bit of bruschetta or something? Bruschetta, it is. - KATE: I'll be a minute. - SALLY: Good night. - How are you doing? - Really good. - Good. How are you? - Yeah, good. So what are you working on right now? Doing a movie, and, um, yeah, with, um, Marion Cotillard. Oh, I love Marion Cotillard. Yeah, she really is the best. She's amazing. - So you're an actress. - EMMA: Yeah. - Yeah. Right. - I mean, I do lots of things, don't I. Music, acting, dancing. But yeah, acting's my biggie right now. Anything I'd have seen? You can probably name the most recent movies and I've been in them. - Okay. - But I'm sort of quite chameleon-esque. So It's possible you won't recognize me. DAN: Right. Okay. Yeah. I'm trying to think, my latest. What's the last film you saw? Um, Testament of Youth, which is, um - a wonderful film. Have you seen it? - Yeah, about the war? Yeah, I was in that one. - Who did you play in that? - I actually played a male soldier. Right. Why? Just 'cause I you know. Why not? - Right. Yeah. - EMMA: It's gender-ism. - And so she's playing ? - She's playing an autistic baker. You got me at autistic baker. - (DAN LAUGHS) - I mean, wow. But I would love to be involved. Cool. Yeah, well, I mean, it's kind of We've sort of finalized casting, so - That side is done. - Things change. Don't they, I mean Yeah, I mean, they can do. They can. And Marion, you just don't know if she's going to find it all too much. - At her age. - Yeah. Yeah. I mean Let's hope not. But, um Are you guys good for food? - Yeah. - Well, no. It's just, it's, um Unfortunately it's just pasta - This must be the kids' food. - which I can't eat. No, your wife seemed to think that was what we were having, but Kate! Kate! Kate! What's happening with the food? Is this ? Well, who's the pasta for? KATE: I'll be down in a minute! Shall I go and see if she needs a ? No, no, no, no. She'll be fine. - Cherry tomato? - Please. - Thank you. Thanks, Dan. - Sal? Yeah. Sure. Thanks. KATE: So, Emma, where are you from? Wow, 20 questions! (LAUGHS) Um, kind of all over the place. It's like a really eclectic upbringing. Mm. All around Europe. - Wow. - I kind of I just don't really like to talk about it, actually. - Sorry. - Is it painful? No, it's just that I've got really famous parents and I just - don't like to make a big deal out of it. - Have you? Who? Well, my dad um, is was Oh, God. It's Is Stanley Kubrick. - KATE: What? - Stanley f*cking Kubrick? No f*cking way! - Kind of adds up, right? - DAN: Wow! You didn't you didn't say that. Yeah, I mean, sort of his brother, as well, 'cause my mum was never, you know, totally sure. But, um Did he have a brother? I thought he was, like, the classic only child. No, no, no. He did. He did. Yeah, it's really sad, actually, 'cause they kept the brother just locked away. Um, they kept him down in the cellar of the house - Oh, f*ck. - with a padlock, and they - He was kind of very deformed, very big. - KATE: Oh, God. He was, like, 40 stone, even as a child. - Oh, f*ck. - I think he had, like, extra limbs and stuff. - Oh, f*ck. - sh1t. - EMMA: I know. - KATE: sh1t. They would just throw meat and dead rats under the door. - DAN: Oh, f*ck. - KATE: sh1t. EMMA: I know. I mean, my mum still slept with him. You know, Stanley was the golden boy, and, um Derek was just, um not loved. But Mum said it was a pity f*ck. - (BABY CRYING) - Oh, sh1t. - EMMA: I know, it's so sad. - KATE: Sorry. - Do you want me to go? - KATE: No. No, it's fine. Not unless you're secretly lactating. Oh, my God. You breastfeed. Yes, of course I do. Yeah. That will seriously ruin your tits. Well, I think it's bit game-over on that one. Isn't it, Dan? Hey. Tits are tits, um? (BABY SCREAMING) [SCENE_BREAK] EMMA: God bless her. Must be so hard when you've had a kid to still to even feel attractive, let alone look it. She looks so washed out. - Yeah. - Yeah. You look fine, but it must be really hard for you to sort of come home to that every night. It's pretty full-on at the moment. But we're in the bubble. We're right in the bubble. But yeah. Do you work out, or ? Yeah. I mean, I try to, yeah. What is it, Pilates, or ? Um, I do Pilates. I do rock climbing. I mean, rock climbing, that's my thing. Yeah. That's my go-to. It's like me and my parkour. - You do parkour? Wow. - Yeah. I like to go into urban areas and just jump across really high buildings. - Yeah. Yeah. - It's a big stress-buster for me. That's cool. So what is what is going on with you guys? - I mean, we're friends, really, first and foremost, aren't we? - Friends having s*x. SALLY: Are you sure Kate's all right, because I could go up there EMMA: It's always the quiet ones. Aw, you're so great. I feel like we're really connecting. Yeah, it's really good to meet you. Also, I noticed you wear cowboy boots. - Yeah. I do. - EMMA: That's amazing. DAN: Oh, wow. - EMMA: That's crazy! - DAN: Kate hates them. She's always, like, "not the f*cking cowboy boots. " - EMMA: It's like, f*ck off. - DAN: I f*cking love them. I got given them I did a movie a couple of years ago and I got given them on that, and I just can't take them off. - Same. - That's insane. This is one of the best dinners I've ever had. It really is. It's really good fun, it really is. It's great. I'm loving this. I am f*cking loving this. I really am. - Is it hot in here? Really hot. - It is hot. It is quite hot, yeah. Kate! Kate. - Kate! - KATE: What? Could you turn the thermostat down? We're baking down here. - Kate! - It's fine. KATE: Don't tell Dan. SALLY: So you like her? Yeah. She seems really Yeah, yeah, she is, I think. Yeah, she's really She's so talented. She makes these, um smoothies in the morning. With like eight different vegetables. In the beginning they made me really, really sick. But I'm vomiting a lot less now, which is great. - Really. - They make you really buzzy for about 20 minutes. And then this kind of wall of exhaustion hits, and you know, just floors me, but - You know, I feel good. - Wow. It's a purge thing. She's really into detox. You know, you've got to get all the old you out, and then replace it with vegetables. - EMMA: Hey. - Hey. - Sorry, is it okay to come in? - Come in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Wow, so this is your little secret hideout place. - Yeah. - Have a sniff around. - God, you've got so many incredible awards and stuff. Yeah, my trinkets and my baubles. (BOTH LAUGH) What's this little wooden driftwood heart? That was from the Congo. Um, and they had this incredible film festival there. They only have about a hundred people, but really good films. Really special films. - Cool. - Yeah. Is that, like, Congolese wood? - It's Congalese wood, yeah, yeah. - I love Congo. - Yeah, if you've never been, go. - Oh, I've been. - Go. - I've been. - Well, go again, you know. - Well, okay. Oh, my God. What's this? DAN: Oh, wow. My Damon hat. That was given to me by Matt Damon. - Really? - Yeah, we did a musical together called The Orangutan. It's about an orangutan who becomes a fireman. And he gave it to me on the last day. Look at this. (CHUCKLES) - Faster! Faster, Damon, faster! - (BOTH LAUGH) I mean, like, you literally were on a horse? If you met him, you'd love him. - Did you have s*x with him? - No. He's a filthy fucker, yeah. Yeah, he really is. - EMMA: I love humor. - Yeah, me, too. Big fan. I've got to ask. You've always been gay, right? No, no. I've been kind of everything, really. - DAN: Okay. - How about you? - Well, you know, I've had my fun in the sun. - Yeah? But fun's over now? - I hope not. - MOLLY: Daddy! Molly, sweetheart. Go back to bed. Come on. It's okay. Let me put her to bed. I've no need for the Hall of Radiohead. Why don't you have a little look-see at my show reel. I think you might kind of like the, um DAN: I'm liking this already. (EMMA MOANING WITH PLEASURE IN VIDEO) Night, Mobs. Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! EMMA: You seriously need to go to sleep, okay, sweetheart? Got all those for later, okay? There we go. (MOANING CONTINUES ON VIDEO) sh1t. Sorry about that. - Don't apologize. - It's, um It's this Werner Herzog movie where he kept getting me to m*st*rb*t*. Wow. Nice bod. - Do you want to do some coke? - Always. Yeah. I shouldn't. I'm kind of NA, but what the f*ck? Just a little fat one. I should tell you I can sometimes get, like, - an uncontrollable chubby when I do coke. - Really? - Yeah. - Yeah, I think I can handle that. (BOTH LAUGH) So what's, like, the weirdest kind of sexual thing you've ever done? I once had a threesome where someone died. - My God. - Yeah. - What happened? - I was doing a shoot, and, um It was the boom girl and a lady from catering. She was a little bit older. And we, uh (CLEARS THROAT) went back to my trailer and we were sort of getting at it. And then the catering lady just went really, really quiet. So we were carrying on. We didn't know. We just thought she just opted out. And we realized she hadn't opted out. She'd just died. We didn't find out until the next day. She had a stroke. Wow. That's a story and a half. I live with it everyday. (SNORTS, SIGHS) I know what you mean. It kind of makes me really horny, too. Yeah. I just get an uncontrollable chubby on. EMMA: Have you got one now? - Something's brewing. - (BOTH LAUGH) EMMA: You haven't even done it yet. Wait. Give me four seconds. - Really? - Yeah. Emma; What's that? Is that your coke helmet? It's my coke helmet. (LAUGHS) - Don't make me laugh. - EMMA: Just the facts. Don't make me laugh. (LAUGHS) MOLLY: What Da-Da do? Molly, sweetheart. Go back to bed. Come on! - Come on, Molly. Daddy's - EMMA: Getting a chubby. - DAN: Huh? - (BOTH LAUGH) DAN (THROUGH DOOR): Come on. What's going on? What is going on? Just go to bed. Man, she's really hyper. Well, sorry. I gave her some crack. (BOTH LAUGH) DAN: So what I want to know is what kind of stuff do you and Sal get up to? (CHUCKLES) Mr. Chubby's woken up. (BOTH LAUGHING) - Seriously. - Go back to bed, Chubby. DAN: Wow. But, um if I got a part in your movie, I could, like, tell you so much more detail, like, in between takes on set. Ouch. And leave me with my aching chubby. Or if I got a really big part I wouldn't have to leave you with your aching chub. - Ooh. Threesome alert. - Yeah. Awooga. - And you know, no one would need to die. - (LAUGHS) - MOLLY: Daddy! - Jesus. Molly, come on! EMMA: I love this guitar. It's really amazing. Where'd you get it from? DAN: I actually found it in - So cool. - Yeah. Can't stop travelin' Can't stop travelin' No. Can't stop travelin' Travelin', travelin', travelin; DAN: Join in, Sal. Life's like a javelin Thrown and unravelin' Can't stop travelin' - Travelin', travelin', travelin' - (SALLY TRIES TO JOIN IN) Feel like a violin Play me a Oh, a travelin' Travelin', travelin', travelin' Can't stop travelin' My life's unravelin' Thrown like a javelin Travelin', travelin', travelin' - Travelin' - (SINGING OFF-KEY) - You all right? - Yeah, just tired. Un-r-r-r-r-r-ravelin' Like a j-j-j-j-j-j-javelin - T-t-t-t-t-t-travelin' - SALLY: Emma. - L-l-l-life is unravelin' - SALLY: Em. I'm thrown like a javelin' Travelin', travelin', travelin' Em? Ooh, ooh, ohh Emma. Em? What? - Sorry. We should probably go. - No. The party just started. - Come on. - DAN: Come on. Got some music. (LOUD CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC SLOWS) (TEMPO QUICKENS) WOMAN: I'm worried about you. (SOBBING) Can you not see how massively happy I am? I'm having the time of my life. EMMA: Dan actually said he wants me quite sort of sultry like I've just had a massive orgasm. Yeah, well, I mean, bakers do have orgasms, I'm sure. I just wondered if I could maybe have a bit of lip gloss or something. Action! I wonder if anyone will ever reach me. - To float, to fly - DIRECTOR: Okay. Cut. Sorry, what's going on with the baguette? Oh, sorry, I was just doing the traditional folk walk. It's something they do in the Pyrenees.
doc_56
Originally written by Alexa Junge. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. [Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.] MONICA: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon. ALL: Ohhh. MONICA: What? ROSS: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things? MONICA: You wanna be in charge of the food committee? ROSS: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees? JOEY: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun? ROSS: Yeah. PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are. MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want. [Joey is staring at Monica's breasts] MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk. CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.] ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come. MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper. JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper. PHOEBE: Why not her? JOEY: Cause she uh, she steals stuff. CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back. MONICA: Joey that is horriable. JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know. JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok. [Rachel enters] ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go? RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduation from hell. CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship. RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica. MONICA: So what happened? RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours. PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents. MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom? CHANDLER: Why her mom? MONICA: Cause I already invited her. PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth? JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.] PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake? MONICA: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan. CHANDLER: Excuse me? MONICA: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert. JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo. [knock at the door] MONICA: [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here? MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday? MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye. MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee. MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey. MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it? CHANDLER: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir? [knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene] MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica. [Monica slams the door back shut] MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus. CHANDLER: So, basically just a Chinese guy. JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed. MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk into Rachel's bedroom] MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was that? MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet. MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel? CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you look so young. PHOEBE: And because you're both, you know, white women. MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom? CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that for ya. MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out] PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom] MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do? JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we can come back out in the living room. MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place. CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again? MONICA: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area. JOEY: Right this is staging. CHANDLER: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area. JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall] [Scene: Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.] CHANDLER: Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin. MONICA: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross. CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment] RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner. ROSS: Thanks for being born. RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you. ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok. RACHEL: Now I love you even more. [they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights] ALL: Surprise. RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great. MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie. RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea. ROSS: Really? RACHEL: No, I knew. ROSS: All right. MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall. ROSS: What? RACHEL: What? MONICA: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now. RACHEL: Why. MONICA: Just go. [they walk across the hall] ALL: Surprise. MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea. RACHEL: Daddy. [Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.] RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here? CHANDLER: Well, we could count again. RACHEL: I can't believe this is happening. ROSS: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares. RACHEL: I do. ROSS: That's who. CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok? RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes. CHANDLER: Well, actually just one birthday flan. RACHEL: What? CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee. [Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.] CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party. JOEY: Quick volleyball question. CHANDLER: Volleyball. JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you? CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you. GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis. CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back] RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while. ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers? RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok. [Back in Monica's party] MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out. [Back in Chandler and Joey's party] ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery....game? MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today. ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead. [Back in Monica's party] MONICA: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther, where're you going? GUNTHER: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe... MONICA: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker. PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, just go. GUNTER: No, she'll yell at me again. PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out. GUNTHER: What? PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back. [Back at Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink. ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want? MR. GREENE: Scotch. ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass. MR. GREENE: Neat. ROSS: Cool. MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks. ROSS: I know. [Back at Monica's party] MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you been? ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse. MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink. ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister? MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket. ROSS: No. no. MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no? ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir. MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too. ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses] MONICA: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny. PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster? MONICA: What? [she runs over to where Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I don't see anything. PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing water rings again. MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those? ROSS: Mine. MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals? ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals. MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that? RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames. ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them. GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here. MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked. RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney. ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Mr. Greene] MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses? ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces for you. MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes? ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip. [SCENE_BREAK] [Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.] PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute. GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor? PHOEBE: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious. GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat. PHOEBE: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door. GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer? PHOEBE: Everything you've heard is true. [Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.] MONICA: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament. [Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her] MONICA: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here? GUNTHER: Um [gestures to dance floor] PHOEBE: [enters with the three people she got out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh. MONICA: Phoebe. PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go. MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from behind] [Back at Monica's party] RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist? MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father. RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing. [Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place. RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff. [Monica's party] MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat. [Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you work on a boat... MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery classs... MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish it... MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs. MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County... MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes... MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua... MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but... MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat... [Scene: The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting there.] CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor. RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this? CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed. RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July. CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other? RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just... CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.] [Scene: Monica's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.] MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun. MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem. MONICA: Ok will do. So glad you came. MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall. MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye. RACHEL: Oh ok. MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie. RACHEL: Ok. [Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.] JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe. MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing. ROSS: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How are you doing? CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going? MR. GREENE: To get my coat. GUYS: No no no. MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own coat. [the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr Geller and dance across the hall as he walks across] CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a major flan high. PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe. MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you. PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway. JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care. MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest] Well, this is the best party I've been to in years. MONICA: Thank you. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.] MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time for flan. CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun. JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection. MONICA: Ok, that's enough. PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish. RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.
doc_57
Narrator: Our nation is built upon a history of battles fought over honor, family, and power. These bloody and iconic chapters define what it truly means to be an American. These are Blood Feuds. At the height of the Klondike Gold Rush, Skagway, Alaska is America's last frontier. [Gunshots] Skagway is the entrée to the gold fields. Control Skagway, and you control the wealth of the Yukon. Narrator: Two men are locked in a power battle for the town. Put that rope down. One is "Soapy" Smith, a notorious criminal driven by greed. Soapy was the king of the frontier continent. Narrator: The other is Frank Reid, a vigilante bent on revenge. Reid killed a man because of his bad temper. Soapy Smith has too much control over this town. There was a tension. And this tension slowly built. Narrator: It's an epic feud that starts with money but will end in blood. Smith: Bring them in, dead or alive... That statement guaranteed bloodshed in Skagway. I'm Soapy Smith. I've run the cleverest con games in the west. But now, I'm here in Skagway, Alaska to clean up on the Yukon Gold Rush. This is a town I mean to own. And Frank Reid ain't gonna stand in my way. Name's Frank Reid. The frontier is a place where a man can build something new. But Soapy Smith and his scams are making things hard for me. I mean to put a stop to it. You can't stop me. My God. Don't shoot. Narrator: Frank Reid's and Soapy Smith's fates collide in 1897, during the great Klondike Gold Rush. The front pages of newspapers screaming, "Gold. Gold. Gold." Narrator: As news spreads, men from all over the west pack their bags and board ships bound for Alaska. They came from San Francisco. They came from Portland. They came from Seattle. The Yukon offered a get-rich-quick type of thing. Narrator: But most of the men have no idea what they're in for. What you saw from the boat was a forbidding landscape, towering mountains. It was cold. Narrator: There are two main harbors that lead to the Yukon trail where the gold is. Dyea is the most direct route, but it's through the notoriously treacherous Chilkoot Trail. The other longer but less rigorous path is via a desolate outpost called Skagway. Spangenberger: Skagway comes from an old Indian name meaning cruel, deadly winds coming down. Narrator: In the harsh early days, Skagway becomes the first place where many newcomers to the Yukon would pitch their tent. Some of these men are here to try out their luck in the gold fields. Others see a chance to make money off the miners. And many are here to put their pasts behind them. There was a popular song during the Gold Rush which was called "What was your name in the States?" You could leave your entire past behind. You could start over again. Narrator: One man looking for a new start is a tough frontiersman from the western states named Frank Reid. He's a land surveyor and former soldier who is trying to escape from a dark past. Reid had killed a man in Oregon. Spangenberger: He killed him because of his bad temper. It was a neighbor that there was just some animosity brewing between them. The neighbor passed by him without acknowledging him. And that offended Reid's sense of honor. Hutton: The altercation was a real reflection of his demand for respect. He had a real edge to him. Narrator: Haunted by the killing, Reid yearns to put his demons behind him and contain his hair-trigger temper. He had a checkered past, but he wanted stability. He wanted something better. Narrator: Reid sees the Klondike as his chance for redemption. I don't think Reid was looking so much for the gold as for the opportunities that the Gold Rush was gonna create. He sees a new chance to remake himself 'cause that's what the west is all about. Narrator: When Reid arrives in Skagway in the summer of 1897, he's one of the early settlers. It's totally a sea of mud. Heaven help you if you fell 'cause you're likely just to drown in the muck. Narrator: The cold and the mud are only part of the problem. With no rules or oversight in this harsh environment, Skagway is a lawless place. But Frank Reid sees promise. He teams up with some other settlers who share his vision to create a real town from the chaos and mud. Man: Where do we get started? Well, I was a surveyor down in the lower 48. I thought maybe I could help lay out your roads. He's looking for an opportunity. And, of course, he has the skill set, which no one else has, to lay out the town. He's rewarded with a secure place amongst the leaders of Skagway. Narrator: Soon, there are primitive streets, a stable, and an inn to house some of the miners. Frank Reid's mission is now to tame this town and create law and order from the frontier chaos. He wants to be a founding father of something great. Narrator: Thus far, he's been able to keep his violent temper in check. But he's about to meet a foe who will ignite his fury and spark an epic battle for the town that soon turns deadly. One of the newer arrivals in Skagway is Jefferson Randolph Smith. He's a man on the run from his bad reputation. Jeff was the king of the frontier con men. That's what he's most well known for. Step right up. Who feels like trying their luck today? Three-card monte. Narrator: He's a slippery character, true to his nickname... Soapy Smith. You got the lucky streak in your eye. How about you step up there? Just a dollar to play, huh? This one right here. All right. I got the ace of spades. And they're dancing. They're flying. Narrator: Having just arrived in Skagway, this infamous con man keeps a low profile at first in order to scope out the town. With a history of organizing major cons and robberies all over the west, he's currently on the lam from Denver, Colorado, where he was the kingpin of a powerful crime syndicate and had been wanted for murder. There were several times where he was arrested for possibly killing people. But most of the time, it was swept under the rug. And he had enough power to get out of the charge and get out of a prison sentence. Hutton: He bought and paid for protection from the police. He had been very, very successful. Oh. Better luck next time, all right? Who's next? Step right up! Narrator: But when Soapy's corrupt ways finally get him run out of Denver, he's forced to find somewhere new. When he hears of the Gold Rush in Alaska, he arrives in Skagway with a singular mission... Take this town for all it's worth. As he always does in a new place, Soapy finds some accomplices and sets up shop by opening a saloon. The legend has it that Soapy arrived and right away began working the machinery behind the scenes, as he had done in all of his others towns, setting up the gang and setting up his various establishments. Narrator: The saloon has gambling tables, whiskey flowing around the clock, and ladies of the night. In this den of sin, Soapy and his gang run their scams and robberies. Soapy is about con operations, and he's about pickpockets and stealing people's money when they're in bed with a prostitute. This is the way he makes his money. And, of course, he's running crooked card games. Narrator: With all this debauchery and theft and the unsavory characters who come with it, crime and violence begin to emerge in this small frontier town. [Gun cocks, gunshot] Hutton: For Frank Reid and others who had come into Skagway hoping to establish something good, Soapy Smith was an incredible threat. Narrator: As legend has it, after hearing rumors of Smith's illegal ventures, Reid stops by Soapy's saloon to confront him. And he seethes with anger over the depravity he discovers inside. Whoa! When Reid sees a drunk causing trouble at the bar, he snaps... Get the hell out of here. ... and throws the scoundrel out. Reid's focus quickly turns to Soapy, the criminal who threatens to destroy Skagway. Reid thought that Jefferson Randolph Smith was a scourge on the community, that he was bad for business, that they didn't need to have his kind around. Narrator: Soapy knows Frank Reid is one of the town pioneers who stands for law and order, so he expected this visit would come eventually. But he doesn't like anyone putting a hand on his customers. I appreciate you trying to protect my place. But I don't mind a guy getting drunk. That's sort of the idea of the business. I want to see this place get built up, not torn down by a bunch of drunks. They weren't immediately hostile to each other, but they certainly weren't friendly, either. And so there's a tension. Narrator: Soapy tries to determine how much of a threat this lawman might be. Soapy: So, what brings you up here? You ain't out hunting for gold in the fields. You aiming to stick around, settle down? It's the wrong place for that. I intend to stick around. Narrator: The men part ways, but both can see it's only a matter of time before the two collide. Hites: Frank Reid was trying to find an opportunity, trying to get Skagway built. Soapy just wanted to continue the old ways. Narrator: Soapy knows that Frank Reid could pose some serious problems for him. Reid is dedicated to shutting down Soapy's illegal operations to prevent Skagway from falling into corruption and lawlessness like so many other old west towns had in the wake of the civil war. Reid had traveled all over the west to boom towns before. He knew the kind of people that lived there. And, of course, the arrival of Soapy Smith was just a nightmare. Here is exactly the sort of con artist that had been run out of all sorts of towns. He's the last thing that they wanted in Skagway. Narrator: Determined to rid the town of gambling and thievery, Reid meets with the other founding fathers to sound the alarm and get organized. The group said, "Okay. We're gonna take on the job of trying to keep some semblance of civilization here." Narrator: In this distant frontier town with no police force or militia, the men band together with one goal in mind... to establish law and order in Skagway. I'm here to propose Skagway is kept a safe city. Hear, hear. Somebody's got to keep order. The pioneers of Skagway have to make their own government and their own rule. I propose that we form a committee to deal with some of the welfare issues of this city. Narrator: The group calls itself "The Committee of 101," named after the many members who joined the cause. For the Committee of 101, for Frank Reid, it's all about power, and it's all about money. We have a real opportunity here to become very, very wealthy. But to have money, you've got to have decency and safety and law and order. Let's make Skagway into the jeweled city of the northwest. Narrator: But the new Committee of 101 knows there's one thing standing directly in their way... Soapy and his gang of thieves. They couldn't do much about it at that point. It was too early on. Narrator: As a first order of business, a U.S. marshal is appointed. But deep down, Reid knows he may have to personally step in to keep Soapy in line. There's no question that Frank Reid is one of the few men in town with a real reputation. He certainly is one of the few men in town who everyone knew had killed someone. Narrator: Meanwhile, Soapy Smith is busy quietly building his criminal empire. He has already won over the more corruptible merchants in town to support his cons, promising he'll never fleece a local, just the miners passing through. Some merchants were behind him. As long as they weren't a part of the actual cons, they could look the other way and just profit from it. Soon, hundreds of men are on his payroll. And Soapy, ever the smooth talker, starts winning over the rest of the town, as well. Hutton: He's such a charmer, he's soon got everybody in his pocket. Some of them are in his pocket 'cause he's filling their pockets. But a lot of folks are just won over by this guy. He's so charming. Narrator: Soapy Smith and his criminal soap gang have big plans for Skagway. And he's not gonna let Frank Reid stop him. The battle for Skagway will soon be fought and will end in blood. [Gunshot] Narrator: It's 1897. In the wild frontier town of Skagway, Alaska, Frank Reid and other citizens have formed a committee to maintain the law. These men want to build a community, and they want to make money. But to have money, you've got to have law and order. Narrator: Standing in Frank Reid's way is con artist Soapy Smith and his criminal soap gang. His method of making money is by scamming the miners who come through town. His newest business is a telegraph company to take advantage of lonely miners trying to reach loved ones back home. I'd like to send a telegram to my wife. Of course. Go in, "want to send a telegram." The telegrapher would write down your message and then hammer out your message right there on the wire. Louise, I arrived at this here place safe. So people would come in. They'd pay $5 and send a telegram. But, of course, it was all fake. Hites: There were no telegraph wires strung to Skagway in 1897. Okay. That'll be $5. Thank you, sir. Narrator: The money is rolling in. And this is just one of Soapy's scams. When Frank Reid hears rumors about Soapy's growing criminal enterprise, he's furious. Hites: If word gets out that Skagway is a dangerous place to bring your gold out through, all the gold for the entire Klondike is gonna go out through other port cities. Skagway will be destroyed economically. Narrator: According to legend, Reid decides to confront Soapy about his scams. But he has to be careful. Soapy's goons are everywhere. And Reid doesn't want his bad temper to get the best of him. You know, I don't begrudge a man for making a buck. But I don't like the way you're going about it. I'm not hurting anybody in this town. Me and my boys are only fleecing money off of these miners on their way out to the Klondike. Now, some of those boys don't even know how to survive out there anyways. I'm saving their lives. Narrator: Reid warns him, the Committee of 101 will no longer tolerate Soapy's scams. Hutton: Reid and his friends were determined to shut down Soapy's operations. You know, this little problem of yours will go away real quick if you just look the other way. Hutton: One of the ways you survived on the frontier as long as Frank Reid had is you don't allow people to push you around. I can't do that. Narrator: But Soapy won't be pushed around either. There's only one man in Alaska who can get me if I'm ever got. You'll be the man to do it. I know. Narrator: Soapy knows his interests are directly threatened by Reid and his committee. And he's not prepared to let that happen. So he recruits some of Skagway's roughest elements to be bodyguards. And he starts to carry around his own formidable weapon wherever he goes... an 1892 Winchester rifle. Spangenberger: This 1892 Winchester was a handy gun and certainly good as a man killer. Narrator: But tough guy Frank Reid remains unafraid. Everyone can feel a confrontation is coming. And, soon enough, it does. It starts with one of Soapy's men, a bartender in a popular saloon. It was a bartender by the name of John Fay and a patron who was drunk and angry that he had lost some money in the saloon. And he complained. Hey, bartender, I said I want my change. Narrator: John Fay has allegedly pocketed the drunk customer's change. It's one of Soapy's common scams. It was done, usually, to people passing through. But it wasn't done often to people who were locals or local working men because it brought on bad business. Fay: You ain't getting nothing back. Had enough of your damn... get the hell out of here. I'm... I'm coming back! Fay says, "you do that, I'm gonna shoot you when you come back in," and threw him out of the saloon. Narrator: Undeterred, the drunk patron runs to get help outside the bar. And he runs into, by chance, deputy Marshal Rowan going by him in the streets. Narrator: The marshal agrees to go back with him to the bar to settle the dispute. Hites: They go back into the saloon. As they go through the door, Fay shoots both of them. [Gunshots] [Woman screams] McGrath is dead instantly. And Rowan, the deputy marshal, is taken off to Doc Moore's office, where they lay him down. He dies there. Narrator: John Fay, one of Soapy's men, has now killed the deputy marshal and another Skagway citizen. The gunman runs to Soapy for help. Fay ran to him for protection. Now, Soapy, being the fixer, he grabbed Fay and hid him. [SCENE_BREAK] Narrator: News of the killings circulates through town and reaches the Committee of 101. There's been a shooting at the people's saloon. John Fay killed two men, and one of them was Marshal Rowan. Let's go! Yeah. Come on. Narrator: Enraged, the Committee of 101 knows that the time has come to take a stand against these criminals and is determined to find justice for the innocent men shot down in cold blood. This is the first time since his new life in Skagway that Reid risks showing flashes of the temper that could lead to murder. The noose is grabbed. [All shouting indistinctly] But Soapy isn't about to let one of his men get taken by this mob. He's gonna show his rival, Frank Reid, that he won't give up control of the town without a fight. Narrator: It's January 1898. In Skagway, Alaska, a lawless gold-rush town on the verge of chaos, John Fay, an associate of criminal boss Soapy Smith, has killed two men... [Gunshots] ... in cold blood. Fay shot both men dead. Now, there was a mob, and they were hungry for revenge. Narrator: Furious, the Committee of 101 rallies to seek justice for the murdered citizens. This could be their shot to take down Soapy, the criminal boss of Skagway. But Soapy Smith isn't about to let the committee get one of his men. Soapy, of course, got John Fay and had him protected by some of his friends. It's time we take the law into our own hands, gentlemen. You're a bunch of cowardly, rope-pulling sons of bitches. Hites: As legend has it, Soapy literally stands in front of the angry crowd and says, you know, "if anybody tries to get to Fay, they got to come through me." Narrator: The standoff represents two very different men... One on the side of law and order, the other, crime and corruption. Bring Fay out here, Soapy. You're protecting a murderer. He killed two men in cold blood and one, the only lawman in this town. [All shouting indistinctly] Narrator: Soapy can see he's outnumbered, so he tries a different tack... his gift for persuasion. Put that rope down, Reid. We hold to the law here, not vigilante justice. No lynching is gonna go on here tonight. Not many people can talk down a violent mob, one that wants to hang. But Soapy was so good at talking his way out of problems. Narrator: He convinces the crowd that he is the one who is standing up for the law and a fair trial, and that the Committee of 101 is nothing but a group of reckless vigilantes. Hutton: Soapy's pretending to be a law-and-order man when, of course, he's leading the outlaws. It's so frustrating for Reid, who sees Soapy for what he is. And yet, Soapy wins over everybody. Go home, now. I'll make sure Fay doesn't go anywheres until the law gets here. Narrator: For Frank Reid, it's a humiliating defeat. Spangenberger: The vigilantes and Frank Reid, I'm sure they thought, "Okay, boys. This is our chance. Now we can get rid of Soapy." But it didn't work. And I'm sure they were very angry. Narrator: To make matters worse, in the days following, Soapy plays up the role of town hero. And many townspeople are won over despite the fact that Soapy is protecting a murderer. The con man uses his deep pockets to win over more support. He helped start churches and helped people in need. If somebody was sick or in trouble, he would help them out. Narrator: But Soapy's public good deeds can't mask what Reid knows is really going on in Skagway. Crime and violence is spiraling out of control. Haydn: Skagway had become so notorious as a place where people got clipped of all their money that they didn't want to even go into the town. Narrator: On March 7th, 1898, a young miner named Peter Clancy Bean is ambushed on a road outside Skagway. The same day, Skagway records a shocking 12 robberies. Hites: As the story goes, Skagway was a wicked place little better than Hell on earth, probably the roughest place in the world. [Woman screams] Narrator: Reid blames Soapy and his goons for it all. Everything that he fought for is being destroyed. And he's being played for the fool. It's no longer enough to try and stop Soapy from pulling his scams in town. Now he wants the con man gone from Skagway for good. The day after the murder, the committee posts a public warning that all bunco and sure-thing men best leave town. Hites: Warning... All con men and other objectionable characters are hereby notified to leave Skagway on the White Pass road immediately. Narrator: There is only one objectionable character the Frank and the committee are after... Soapy Smith. This broadside was literally published and nailed around town overnight. Narrator: But Soapy is undeterred. Hites: He responded with a flyer that said to the Committee of 101, "no vigilantes will be tolerated in this town," signed, "The Law and Order Committee of 317." 317 was the address of his saloon. [Laughs] It was a joke. It was a response immediately showing what contempt Jeff Smith held the public safety committee. Narrator: Frank Reid has had enough. We're gonna run you and your gang out of this town. I wager you won't. I got this whole town behind me. You and your vigilantes ain't running me anywhere. It's just a matter of time, Soapy. Narrator: Reid reportedly makes it clear that if Soapy won't leave on his own, the committee will gather every good man they can and force him out. The battle lines are drawn. And Reid is planning his line of attack. Soapy realizes just how big the stakes are. This is his future in Skagway. If Frank Reid and his men are gathering a mob, he'll do them one better. He'll raise an army. It so happens that, on February 15th, 1898, an American warship patrolling international waters is bombed off the coast of Cuba. In response, President William McKinley calls for military volunteers. Soapy uses this international incident over 3,000 miles away as a front to raise a militia. Hites: He puts up the sign... Skagway Recruiting Office. This is where you sign up to become a member of the potential military unit that would be able to be offered up to the secretary of war. I don't suppose that Jeff Smith was caught up in patriotic fervor. This was part of his attempt to create his own group of soldiers. Hites: This was a way to have the town going, "My gosh. This guy has got an army." Narrator: The blood feud has taken a dangerous turn. Soapy Smith now has his own militia. For these two men, this is war. [Man shouting indistinctly] At stake, the control of Skagway and their lives. Narrator: It's 1898. There's a battle brewing over control of one of America's last frontier towns... Skagway, Alaska, on the edge of the Klondike. Hutton: Skagway is the entrée to the gold fields. Control Skagway, and you control the wealth of the Yukon. Narrator: Con artist Soapy Smith has just recruited a militia to protect his criminal operations in town. And so Frank Reid and the Committee of 101 rethink their plan to drive Soapy out of Skagway by force. The committee was definitely threatened by Soapy's Skagway military company. He's got all these guys in his little private army. The legend grows from there, that Soapy was the dictator of the town. It would've been extremely frustrating if you were Frank Reid. That could not have possibly set well with him. Narrator: The committee is gonna have to wait for the right moment but will need to act quickly to save Skagway from certain doom. Stories were being published in newspapers in New York, Chicago, Seattle, and San Francisco. And it was scaring the miners from going through Skagway. Narrator: With the militia behind him, Soapy rules Skagway, confident that his rival, Reid, isn't capable of stopping him. Smith: Soapy had his hand in every pie, in every political circle, in every church, in every school. So he had Skagway wrapped around his finger. To show off his influence, Soapy has a grand idea. On July 4th, 1898, the town sees Soapy in his full glory. Smith: It was huge for Skagway. Every building, he made sure had flags all around town. His gang went up in the hills and set off dynamite. And it echoed for miles all through the trails of the White Pass. Soapy appoints himself the parade's grand marshal and is even dubbed the king of Skagway. [Drum roll] He was applauded by everybody as he walked down the street. People shook his hand, ladies waved. Narrator: Soapy is at the peak of his power. The town of Skagway is under his thumb. And Frank Reid and the committee are seething. But his fortunes are about to change because there's something in the Yukon more powerful than even Soapy Smith. Samuel Graves, President of the White Pass and Yukon Railway, is an enormously powerful man. And he wants to build through Skagway. By bringing trade and prosperity, the railroad represents all of Reid's hopes for the future and also an opportunity to win the feud. Smith: Frank Reid and the vigilantes saw a position that they had to get rid of Soapy. Narrator: Graves must make sure his investment is sound. And he vows to work behind the scenes with the committee to oust Soapy Smith, the man giving Skagway a bad name. Together, they start to convince townspeople just how damaging for business the con man is. Smith: They had to get the merchants riled up because the merchants were behind Soapy. They started passing around, "This is bad for us, guys. No one's gonna come through Skagway." These are the people that are in charge of the import/export business and shipping companies. So these are people that have a vision of the future and eventually are going to establish a railroad as part of a new Alaska. Narrator: Word begins to spread that Soapy's criminal exploits could do lasting damage to Skagway and lose them the railroad. The tide starts to turn against Soapy Smith. Soapy's popularity started waning. New lines were drawn in Skagway. And people were forced to choose a side. You can't do the kind of things that Soapy did in the cold, hard light of day and get away with it for very long. But history had yet another final chapter to play. Narrator: A chapter that starts the clock on the last battle between Frank Reid and Soapy Smith. July 8th, 1898. A miner named J.D. Stewart comes down to Skagway from the gold fields. He had come out with a poke of about $2,600 in gold nuggets. Hutton: One of Soapy's minions directed him toward Soapy's saloon. And there, of course, he engaged in games of chance. Hites: He looks like the kind of guy who would walk into the saloon and go, "Hi, I just made $1 million in the Yukon, and I'm ready to get plucked." And that's exactly what happened. Narrator: As the story goes, at first, Soapy's men just cheat Stewart at the card table. But it doesn't end there. They know there's still more gold for the taking. In the back of Soapy's saloon, they jump the drunk miner and rob him of the rest of his gold. They wanted it all. They got greedy. [Grunting] Narrator: The distressed miner then runs out of the bar, desperate to find help and justice. He ran down the street, screaming. He was robbed. He was robbed. No one paid attention to him. He went to the deputy U.S. marshal, who was also under Soapy's pay. Hutton: The marshal was bought off by Soapy. He was Soapy's man. Well, then, he went all around town, and he loudly complained about this situation. It reached the Committee of 101. Narrator: When Reid hears what's happened, something inside him snaps. This crime is no different than countless others Soapy's gang has pulled before. But today, the committee draws a line in the sand. They decided this was the last straw. Narrator: Committee members approach Soapy and demand the money be returned. Soapy is having none of it. Hites: He says, "Stewart lost his money in a fair game. He's not getting it back. I'm keeping the gold. You know, that's it. I stand by the boys." And that's the end of the conversation. Narrator: Committee members ride to another settlement to enlist the district's newly appointed U.S. commissioner, Judge Sehlbrede. Smith: The commissioner looked at them and said, "if I deputize you and order you to arrest Soapy and his men or bring them in, dead or alive, will you do it?" And they all answered "yes." And that statement guaranteed bloodshed in Skagway. Narrator: Soapy is issued an ultimatum... Return the gold to miner by 4:00 P.M., or there will be repercussions. Soapy knows he doesn't have the town support he once did. For the first time, he starts to take the committee's threats seriously. And he doesn't respond well. He started drinking. And there was a point that he did not have his wits about him anymore, and he wasn't thinking rationally. And he was threatening people. Narrator: As the clock ticks down, he focuses his rage on one man... Frank Reid. Smith: Soapy blamed Reid for much of the problems that were going on. Narrator: The deadline set for returning the gold comes and goes. Soapy keeps drinking. Hites: It was very, very out of character for him. It indicated that he was cornered. He didn't have options. He didn't have a solution, didn't know what to do. The four hours ran out. The committee decided to hold a meeting to try to determine what to do about the stolen gold. So they decided to gather on the Juneau wharf. Narrator: Soapy grabs his Winchester and heads to the wharf. At that moment, the curtain essentially opens up on the last act. Narrator: With whiskey courage, Soapy's not afraid of anyone. And he's ready to put up a fight to keep control of the town. But one man is standing in his way. Hites: There's no question that, when the two men were face-to-face, the anger, the bitterness, came to a head. Narrator: July 8th, 1898, in Alaska. Frank Reid and the Committee of 101 are holding a clandestine meeting at the Juneau wharf to plan how to get rid of con man Soapy and his gang once and for all. Hites: Frank Reid volunteered to protect the entrance to the dock so that, that way, none of Smith's men would be able to get in, infiltrate the meeting, and disrupt it. Narrator: Sure enough, Soapy has heard about the meeting and is on his way. Spangenberger: His temper took over him. He went storming down with an 1892 Winchester .44-40 over his shoulder. Narrator: Jesse Murphy, appointed guard by the White Pss and Yukon Railway, is one of the first to see a drunken Soapy arrive at the pier. Halt. You can't pass here. Spying Reid, Soapy barrels toward his Nemesis, his rage exploding to the surface. Soapy approaches Frank Reid. Almost like magnets, they're pulled to each other. Hites: Reid saw Soapy approaching, and Reid challenged him. "Smith, you can't come down here." Go on home, now, Soapy. You got no business here. Get the hell out of my way, Frank. I should've gotten rid of you months ago. You're drunk. You stupid son of a bitch. You and your committee ain't nothing but a bunch of vigilantes. You can't stop me. Soapy pulled the Winchester from him shoulder. And Reid threw his arm up. Narrator: Reid grabs Soapy's Winchester to block it and, at the same time, reaches for his revolver. Don't shoot. Spangenberger: And then Reid pulled his Smith & Wesson revolver and fired point-blank at Soapy. [Gun clicks] Narrator: The gun misfires. Reid has one more chance. Well, Reid pulls the second time, trying to get another round into the chamber. And this time, both men fire at the same time. [Both grunt] Soapy was able to shoot Frank Reid in the groin. Reid dropped to the ground. He was all doubled over. Narrator: After the earlier misfire, Reid makes his second shot count. It hit Soapy in the arm. Narrator: Two more shots ring out, each foe hitting the other in the leg. With both men down, Jesse Murphy charges the wounded Soapy. Hites: Murphy reaches over and grabs the rifle, wrenching it from Soapy's hands. He pulls the trigger. And the bullet goes right through Smith's heart. Spangenberger: Soapy could have easily survived the wound in the arm and the side had Jesse Murphy not come up and shot him in the heart. Narrator: As Soapy's body lies lifeless on the pier, his blood drips into the sea. Jesse rushes the severely wounded Reid to a doctor. And news spreads to the soap gang that their leader is dead. With Soapy gone, Skagway is now completely behind Frank Reid and the committee. And the soap gang knows it. Hites: They're outnumbered. The gang quits and runs for the hills. That ends the Soapy Smith gang in Skagway. Narrator: And so Jeff "Soapy" Smith, the most notorious con man in the west, meets his end on a wharf near Skagway, Alaska. The confrontation between Frank Reid and Soapy Smith is one of the last gunfights in the history of the American west. Narrator: Soapy's funeral is a lonely affair. The town has turned against him. Smith: Soapy was so well-hated after he was killed that they would not bury him inside cemetery limits. He was actually buried about 10 feet outside the cemetery. Narrator: Although Frank Reid wasn't the one who finally pulled the trigger, the town wants a hero and gives credit for the killing to the man who has just taken a bullet for Skagway. Frank Reid lives 12 more days but then dies from his gunshot wounds. He's given a hero's burial and is proclaimed the savior of Skagway. Spangenberger: Frank Reid, they liked him. And the town actually mourned his loss. He had a pretty big funeral procession. Hutton: They make him into the martyr to the building of the community of Skagway. He becomes sort of the town-taming lawman, even though he didn't wear a badge, that takes down the outlaw gang, Soapy Smith, and the men who had controlled Skagway. Narrator: Though Reid dies, his dream of one day putting the small tent city of Skagway on the map comes true. The White Pass and Yukon Railway opens in July 1900, two years after Reid's death. It's still running today and has been a boon for business and trade. Spangenberger: The shootout on Juneau wharf was a lose-lose situation, quite honestly, for both of the participants. However, the town of Skagway came out as the winners because they got rid of Soapy Smith, who they wanted to get rid of. Narrator: But it seems that, in death, Soapy gets the best of Frank Reid one last time. Despite the fact that Frank Reid is buried a hero, it's Soapy who's remembered in the history books. Soapy's legend has grown to that of a mythic figure whose legacy lives on in movies, novels, and annual Soapy wakes. I think people celebrate Soapy because he was a colorful man. He was a charming, likable scalawag. Narrator: Some even romanticize him as a modern-day Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, leaving the lesser-known Frank Reid to be remembered for his small part in Soapy's story. Hutton: Frank Reid wins his battle, pays for it with his life. But he doesn't win the battle in history. It's Soapy Smith that's remembered, not Frank Reid. Reid is only attached to the fact that he killed Soapy Smith. And so he becomes part of Soapy Smith's story. And the story of Frank Reid is... is lost to the mists of history, the mists that shroud Skagway still today.
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1.20 - P.S. I Lo... OPEN AT LUKE'S DINER (Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table. Lorelai is in the middle of telling a story.) LORELAI: So then he starts ripping my twenty dollar bill into like a million pieces. And I'm thinking to myself, there is a store full of people, why am I the one on line with the crazy magician? (Rory yawns) Okay, I'll cut to the end. So he couldn't put it back together again and he had to pay me back in quarters. RORY: Very good story. LORELAI: You look tired. RORY: I just haven't been sleeping very well lately. LORELAI: How come? RORY: Just have a lot on my mind. L: Anything I can do? R: Flag down the coffee. L: Arm going up now. Honey, you gotta wake up. Wanna play? R: One, two, three? L: I'll go first. (They both stare out the window.) R: And one. (Older man walks by.) L: Pass. R: Why? L: Because I'm not Anna Nicole Smith. Next. R: Two. (Teenage boy on a skateboard goes by.) L: Hmm, pass. R: Why? L: Because I'm not Mary Kay LeTourneau. R: Okay. (Luke comes to the table while they are staring out the window.) LUKE: What are you looking for? L: My new husband. R: She's already passed up two perfectly good prospects. L: But I'm feeling pretty good about number three. LUKE: Do I want to know what you're doing? R: Hey, Luke came to the table, does that make him number three? LUKE: No. L: You don't even know what we're doing. LUKE: The safest answer in anything involving the two of you is no. L: We're playing one, two, three, he's yours. LUKE: I didn't ask. R: You can take the first guy that walks by, or if you decide to pass, assuming there's somebody better out there, you can take the next guy that walks by, or if you don't take him, you're automatically stuck with the third guy. L: Got it? LUKE: I'm not playing. L: Well of course not. Its still my turn. R: Okay, guy number 3 is crossing the street right now. (All three of them stare out the window.) LUKE: Why am I looking? L: Because it's like a train wreck. (They see Kirk walking towards the diner.) L: Aww, no! R: Daddy! L: Not Kirk! R: Maybe he'll buy me a pony. L: I wanna go back to the old guy. (Kirk walks in the diner. Luke walks over to him.) LUKE: Congratulations man. KIRK: Uh, thank you. (Lorelai and Rory start giggling.) KIRK: What? L: Nothing KIRK: Okay, did somebody put the kick me sign on my back again? (Lorelai and Rory are laughing.) KIRK: It wasn't funny last week and it's not funny now! I have asthma. (Kirk leaves the diner.) R: Mom, quick he's leaving! L: Oh no, Kirk come back, I love you! Drat. All right, your turn. R: I don't know Mom. You already got Kirk, how's a girl to top that? L: You're right, he's yours. R: And one. (They stare out the window. Dean walks by. Rory gets a sad look on her face.) L: Okay, so, we should order. R: Yeah, ordering's good. (Opening Credits) INDEPENDENCE INN (Lorelai is sitting at a table in the lobby organizing folders. Michel, who is behind the counter, answers the phone.) MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking. MAX: Yes, is Ms. Gilmore there? MICHEL: I'm sorry, she's busy, how may I assist you? MAX: Actually, I need to speak to Ms. Gilmore. MICHEL: Is this business or personal? MAX: Personal. (Michel walks over toward Lorelai and tosses the phone on the table. Lorelai picks it up.) MAX: Is anybody there? Hello? L: Yes, Hello, hi. MAX: Lorelai? L: Max! MAX: Is this a bad time? L: No such thing. Where are you? MAX: I am in the teacher's lounge. L: Hmm, what are you wearing? MAX: Nothing. L: You must be very popular. MAX: And chilly. L: I thought we had a chat date tonight. MAX: We did, but I was thinking about something and I wanted to run it by you. L: Okay. MAX: So. . L: Ooh, hey, make a gorilla sound. MAX: Why? L: I want to play Wild Kingdom. MAX: I am not making a gorilla sound. L: I'll tell you what color underwear I'm wearing. (pause) Had you considering the gorilla sound, didn't I? MAX: Yup. L: I'm good. MAX: Okay, I need you to be serious now. L: Says the man with no pants. MAX: We've been having these very successful phone calls for a couple of weeks now. L: Yes we have. MAX: And I think that all the talking has done us a lot of good. L: Yes it has. MAX: So I was thinking that maybe this weekend instead of a phone call, we should have a date. Let's have dinner. L: Hmm, at the same restaurant? MAX: At the same table. L: Interesting idea. MAX: I think its time. L: You know what? So do I. MAX: Saturday night, 8 o'clock? L: Okay, wear some pants. MAX: I make no promises. L: Bye. CUT TO SIDEWALK (Rory is sitting on the curb reading a book. Lane walks over to her and drops a small bag of chips into her lap. Rory stands up and Lane hands her a small bag from the market.) LANE: Salt and vinegar. R: Thank you. LANE: Here's your gum, your soda, your New Yorker, and your dental floss. R: Aw, they didn't have the minty kind? LANE: They were out. RORY: Well, this is good too. (They start walking) LANE: He wasn't in there. R: What? LANE: Dean. He wasn't in there. R: Oh. LANE: In case you were wondering. R: I wasn't. LANE: Okay, well I just thought you might be. So I mentioned it. R: Well, I'm not. LANE: Okay. R: Okay. LANE: I just thought you'd might like to know for future reference that Dean is not in the store on Wednesdays so you can mark it down on that little list you're hiding from me that says where Dean is so that you can avoid him at any time. R: I was not avoiding the market. LANE: Oh, my mistake. R: I wasn't. LANE: Okay. So what are you doing tonight? R: Well homework, and then homework, and if I get all that done in time, some homework. You? LANE: I have to meet my science partner. R: Fun. LANE: Yes, science is fun. R: Call you later? LANE: Okay. R: Hey Lane? LANE: Yeah? R: You're sure he wasn't in there? LANE: I asked. (Rory pulls a small notepad out of her pocket and writes on it.) CUT TO SIDEWALK (Lorelai walks past a store as Luke walks out of the store.) L: Hey. LUKE: Oh hey. L: Doing a little shopping? LUKE: Yeah, I just had a couple things to pick up. L: At the cat club? LUKE: Yeah. L: You had a couple things to pick up at the cat club? LUKE: Yeah I did, okay? L: Okay, I just never took you for a cat lover, a 97 year old woman, or. . . Hey what'd you buy? LUKE: Nothing. L: You've got a little bag there. LUKE: I know that. L: It's got a cat paw stamped on it and a little cat nip bow. (Luke hands her the bag.) L: Wise man. (Lorelai pulls a pot holder out of the bag.) Wow, pot holders. LUKE: Yes. L: Little kitty pot holders. (she pushes a button that makes them meow.) They meow. LUKE: It's a present. L: For someone you hate? LUKE: It's Rachel's birthday okay. And don't say anything, she doesn't want anybody to know. She hates birthdays. L: Not as much as she's gonna hate these pot holders. LUKE: I don't know how to buy gifts, okay, I don't like to buy gifts. I don't like getting gifts. I mean, this whole give giving and getting process is completely insane. L: The rant begins! LUKE: I mean suddenly, on a certain date, the level of my affection for a person isn't measured by the way that I treat them or what we share. L: No! LUKE: I mean just because I didn't buy her furry slippers or a giant shoe tree, all of a sudden, I suck. L: Luke, stop. You know you cannot give her these pot holders. LUKE: Yeah I know. L: Why don't you go to the mall and walk around a little? LUKE: No, no malls. L: Luke. LUKE: I hate malls. L: Ladies and gentlemen, rant number two. LUKE: They underpay employees and overprice merchandise, they contribute to urban sprawl, they encourage materialism, and the parking's a horror. You drive in, you pay a buck, and even if you're only there for five. . L: Okay, Emma Goldman, I'll tell you what. I'll go for you. LUKE: You're gonna shop for me? L: I've got the day off tomorrow. I was gonna go anyway. LUKE: You're serious? L: I'll go get a bunch of stuff, all returnable. I'll bring it to you. You can pick what you want and the rest I'll return. I'll do all the work; all you'll have to do is point. LUKE: Point. L: One finger, preferably your index. LUKE: I don't know. L: Luke, this is the first special occasion you and Rachel have shared since she's been back. Don't you want to give her something nice? LUKE: Well I am taking her out to dinner. L: Luke. LUKE: Yeah, I gotta get her something nice. L: So then let me help. LUKE: All right, thank you. L: Oh, you're welcome. (Luke hands her his credit card.) LUKE: Nothing too out there, okay? She's not into all that trendy stuff. She likes simple, clean nature, okay. Elephants, candles, okay. Oh hey, if you can find a candle shaped like an elephant, that would . . L: Okay, you know what, I've got it all under control. LUKE: Okay, thanks. L: Okay. (Lorelai hands him back the bag with the pot holders in it.) Get rid of these. CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES (Dean knocks on the door and walks in.) DEAN: Hello? Lane? Are you here? (Mrs. Kim suddenly appears from behind a room divider, startling Dean.) DEAN: Geez. MRS. KIM: Who are you? Why you call Lane? DEAN: I Uh. MRS. KIM: How you know Lane? DEAN: Well. . . MRS. KIM: You date her? DEAN: No. MRS. KIM: You try to? DEAN: No. MRS. KIM: Then why you here? DEAN: I . . . MRS. KIM: Empty your pockets DEAN: Okay, I'm gonna go now. (Lane comes running down the steps.) LANE: Dean! Wait, wait. MRS. KIM: Who's Dean? DEAN: I'm Dean. MRS. KIM: How you know Dean? LANE: We go to school together. MRS. KIM: You do? DEAN: Yeah, we're science partners. MRS. KIM: You don't talk! DEAN: Sorry. MRS. KIM: You're science partners? LANE: Yes Mama, I invited him over to work. MRS. KIM: Work? LANE: On our science project. MRS. KIM: Reproduction? LANE: Spores, molds and fungus. MRS. KIM: Science project? LANE: Yes. MRS. KIM: For school? LANE: Yes Mama. MRS. KIM: You're not dating? LANE: No Mama. MRS. KIM: Okay, follow me. (leads them into the kitchen) You sit here. You sit here. I'm going over there, when I come back over here, these chairs will be in same place. No moving, you understand? LANE: Yes mama. DEAN: Not you, him! DEAN: Uh, yes, I understand. MRS. KIM: I see all. (Mrs. Kim leaves the kitchen.) DEAN: So that's your mom? LANE: That's my mom. DEAN: Has she seen Patton? LANE: She just gets uptight about boys. DEAN: I sensed something like that. LANE: Its nothing personal. DEAN: I know, I'm sure once she gets to know me she'll. . . LANE: Oh no, she'll hate you forever. It's just nothing personal. DEAN: Uh, we should probably get started. LANE: Chapter twelve? DEAN: Sounds good. (They both open their books and start reading.) Is this weird for you? LANE: A little. DEAN: Me too. I didn't know if maybe Rory told you to hate me or something. LANE: That's not Rory. DEAN: Yeah I know. How is she? LANE: Good. DEAN: Good? LANE: Good-ish. DEAN: Oh. LANE: Less good than ish. DEAN: Yeah? How much less? LANE: You know we're breaking our agreement. DEAN: What agreement? LANE: Out agreement not to talk about Rory. DEAN: We didn't have an agreement not to talk about Rory. LANE: Well it was an unspoken agreement. DEAN: Well it was really unspoken 'cause nobody spoke it. LANE: Well I just think that if we have to study together it would be better if we didn't discuss Rory. DEAN: Fine. LANE: Fine. (pause) You know, she can't go into the market. DEAN: Why not? LANE: Because you're there. DEAN: Not on Wednesdays LANE: Already noted. DEAN: [Sigh] LANE: Can I ask you a really personal question? DEAN: You can ask, I might not answer. LANE: Do you think you and Rory will ever get back together? DEAN: Hey, how about we go back to the no talking about Rory agreement? LANE: Look, I'm just saying that I . . . (They look up and see Rory standing in the doorway) R: I should've called. I'm sorry. (Rory leaves. Lane gets up and follows her outside.) LANE: Rory! I'm sorry I didn't tell you. R: It doesn't matter. LANE: I didn't think you'd want to know. R: I got it. LANE: Rory stop. (Rory keeps walking.) Okay, that's the opposite of stop. R: Lane, forget it. You didn't tell me, now I know. Life goes on. LANE: Don't be mad. R: I'm fine. I have to go. CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM (Rory is asleep in bed. Lorelai bangs on her door, then walks in and jumps on her bed.) L: Time to get up. Hey, I have a huge dilemma that I need your opinion on. R: What! L: Am I more beautiful today than I was yesterday? R: Oh boy. L: I'm just not sure. I mean at first I looked in the mirror and I thought, well yes, definitely, huge improvement. R: Can I have my pillow back? L: But then I thought maybe its not that I'm more beautiful today. Maybe I was just as beautiful yesterday, only I lacked the self-esteem to recognize it. R: I'm gonna go take a shower. L: Well, hurry up and I'll drive you to school. R: No thanks. (Gets out of bed and walks over to her bureau.) L: Why so charming this morning? R: I had an annoying visit from the Stars Hollow wake up fairy. Where's my tie? L: In your drawer. R: I'm looking in the drawer. L: Hmm. Check the living room R: Why would my tie be in the living room? L: Because it's been seeing the doily on the coffee table. I'm sorry, I did not want you to find out this way. R: Don't take this personally, but get out. L: Okay, you're crabby. Do you know what the perfect cure for crabbiness is? A fabulous trip to the mall. Huh? What do you say? You can blow off school and come with me. We can shop, go to the movies, maybe talk a little. R: No thanks. L: Come on, just this once. It might make you feel better. R: I feel fine and I don't want to shop. L: Honey, I know you've been in a funk over Dean, but you have to try not to dwell on it all the time. R: I'm gonna be late for school. L: Okay, then just meet me in town around four, and we'll get some Indian food and spoil our dinner. What do you say to that? R: Whatever. L: Hey, love the enthusiasm. Hey, does "Up With People" know about you? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER (Luke answers the phone and takes an order while Lorelai walks into the diner carrying several shopping bags.) LUKE: Luke's. Yeah. Hang on. Okay. Cheeseburger. Fries well. Vanilla shake. Coke. Yes we have salad. One salad with cheese, one with ranch. Got it, 20 minutes. (hangs up the phone) What the hell is this? L: The results of my shopping trip all accomplished in two hours. LUKE: Impossible. L: I'm a savant. LUKE: And everything's returnable. L: Yes, yes, now sit down and relax. Let me show you what I got. LUKE: Can I have my credit card back? L: Fine. (Takes the card out of her purse and hands it you Luke.) LUKE: Looks tired. L: Where's Rachel? LUKE: She's out running some errands. L: Good. Okay, last week we were talking about Meryl Streep and the whole accent thing and Rachel said that she loved "Out of Africa" but she'd never read the book, remember? LUKE: Nope. L: Okay, so I was like, "Are you crazy? Isak Dinesen is amazing, I love her." Which is kind of crap because I'd never read the book either, but Rory told me it was amazing, so I felt pretty confident in my recommendation of "Out of Africa". (Pulls the book out of a shopping bag and hands it to Luke.) LUKE: You bought her a book? L: No, you bought her a book, to be put in her brand new camera bag. (Pulls the camera bag out of another shopping bag.) LUKE: She's got a camera bag. L: It's nylon. LUKE: So? L: This one's leather. Beautiful leather. Feel it, smell it. LUKE: I'm not gonna smell that bag. L: Fine, don't smell it, but trust me, she's gonna love it. Her old bag is falling apart so she was gonna get a new one eventually and now you will have beaten her to it. LUKE: So it's practical. L: And pretty! LUKE: Well, that seems right. L: You like? LUKE: Yeah thanks. L: Good. LUKE: What's all this? (gestures to the other shopping bags.) L: Well Luke, timing is a beautiful thing. LUKE: It is? L: It is. So I'm at the mall, and I've already found Rachel's gifts, and I've had two sugar cinnamon pretzels and I'm buzzed on the sugar and jazzed about the purchases and I decide to take a victory lap through Bloomingdale's, and it just so happens that there was an amazing sale in the men's department. I mean gorgeous stuff. Look at this. (pulls a sweater out of a bag) Huh! Forty percent off! I got three different colors! LUKE: For who? L: For you. LUKE: For me? L: Yeah. (walks over to another bag and pulls out a pair of pants) And then of course, beautiful pants. So soft, I don't know what this fabric is but I think I wanna have its baby. LUKE: Okay, hold on a minute here. L: (walks over to another bag and pulls out a belt.) Also, I got this fabulous belt to go with the sweater and the pants. Simple. Black. But look at the buckle. LUKE: I don't need a belt. L: Great buckle! Sixty percent off, can you believe it? LUKE: No I cant. Look. . L: (walks over to another bag and pulls out some shirts) Oh and I also picked up a couple of shirty shirts in case you didn't have a nice one to go with your suit. LUKE: What suit? L: This one! (grabs a garment bag, holds it up, and unzips it) LUKE: Did no one at that mall notice that you were going through some sort of psychotic episode? L: This suit. 175 percent off. LUKE: You were not supposed to be shopping for me. L: Well I thought you might like a little something new to wear when you take Rachel out tonight. LUKE: Well thank you but take it back. L: Aw, just try them on. LUKE: No way. L: You might like how you look. LUKE: I'm fine with the clothes I have. L: Okay, see this blazer? It was 175 thousand percent off. LUKE: Why the sudden need to dress me? L: I just thought you might look nice in some of these things and since they were 600 thousand percent off. . LUKE: No! L: Come on Luke, just try something on. How about this sweater? LUKE: No! L: Okay, how about the pants? Pretty pants! LUKE: I'm not trying anything on. L: Hey, its not like the lumberjack look will ever go out; it won't. But just once wouldn't it be nice not to be dressed like an extra from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"? LUKE: Take it back. L: Come on. Just the jacket. Just once, be too sexy for your shirt and do a little dance on the catwalk. (Luke walks into the back of the diner while Lorelai chases him with the suit.) LUKE: Get away from me you mental patient! CUT TO CHILTON (Max Medina is lecturing to the class. Rory is staring out the window, not paying attention.) MAX: If we read his works in order we can see his progression from a narrative of clear simplicity to one of one of rich complexity. Now this is not homework but I strongly urge you, if you have not already read "The Art of Fiction", read it. It's a remarkable manifesto that contains basic trues that still apply to fiction in any form. (Paris notices Rory not paying attention and points it out to Louise and Madeline.) MAX: All right, so Henry James, the man of the moment. Pick your book. Read it carefully. A full report on my desk one week from today. Any questions? Ms. Gilmore, any questions? (Paris pushes her book onto the floor to get Rory's attention.) PARIS: Oops. MAX: Ms. Gilmore? R: Yes? MAX: Did you hear the assignment? R: Um no, I'm sorry. MAX: Henry James. Pick your novel. A report on my desk in one week. You got it? R: Yes. I got it. (Bell rings. Students get up to leave.) MAX: See you tomorrow. (Paris walks over to Rory.) PARIS: You didn't take one note. You resorting to the osmosis theory of learning? R: Why do you care? PARIS: I don't, just making an observation. R: Great, we'll build a dome over you and jam a telescope in your head. MAX: Ms. Gilmore, can I talk to you for a minute? R: Oh, okay. LOUISE: Tootles. MADELINE: Ta. PARIS: I'll get working on that dome. (All the students leave. Max leans on his desk and talks to Rory.) MAX: So, how are you? R: Fine. MAX: Seemed a little distracted today. R: Oh. I didn't sleep well last night. MAX: You've seemed to be a little distracted for quite a while now. R: My grades are fine. MAX: I'm not concerned about your grades. I'm concerned about you. Look Rory, I know that you've been going through kind of a tough time lately and I just want you to know, if you want to talk, I'm here. R: Tough time? MAX: Breakups are really hard. We've all been there. R: How do you know about that? MAX: Your mom told me. R: She what? MAX: Please, don't be upset at her. It just came out in one of our conversations. She was very concerned about you, very frustrated because. . R: You've been talking to my mom? MAX: Well yes. R: Since when? MAX: Its been a couple, 3 weeks now I guess. R: Are you dating? MAX: No, not really, I mean we were talking about possibly this weekend having dinner. You didn't know anything about this, did you? (Rory shakes head her head no) Well the look on your face makes perfect sense now. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spring this on you like this. R: Its fine, don't worry about it. MAX: I'm sure your mom was gonna tell you soon. R: I'm sure too. MAX: Okay, so . . R: Bus. MAX: Excuse me? R: If I don't go I'm gonna miss it. MAX: Right, go ahead. R: Thanks for the talk. MAX: Any time. (Rory leaves) CUT TO LUKE'S DINER (Lorelai is sitting at the counter. Clothes and bags are spread all over one of the tables.) L: Come on! LUKE (from off camera): I hate you, very much. L: Save the sweet talk for Rachel. Get out here! (Luke walks out from the back of the diner wearing some of the new clothes.) L: Excuse me sir, do you know where Luke is? LUKE: Very funny. L: Oh my God, Luke, is that you? LUKE: I feel ridiculous. L: That's because you don't have the belt on. (Takes the belt out of the bag and walks over to him.) Here. LUKE: What are you doing? L: Its called accessorizing. LUKE: I can put a belt on by myself, thank you. L: Okay, sorry. Hmm. LUKE: What? L: I just. . . LUKE: What? L: I just have exceptional taste is all. Turn around. LUKE: What? L: I just wanna make sure it all fits. Turn around. (Luke turns around.) Uh huh, uh huh. MAN AT COUNTER: Hey Fabio, I need the ketchup. LUKE: Can you get that guy some ketchup? L: Why me? LUKE: Because if I spill any stuff on this I won't be able to return it. L: You're not returning those clothes. LUKE: Oh yes I am. (Lorelai gives the man the ketchup. She picks up Luke's suit off the table and walks over to him.) L: Here, try on the suit again. LUKE: I already tried it on twice. L: I know, but I want to see it with the black shirt. LUKE: I'm not wearing a black suit with a black shirt. L: Regis does. LUKE: Okay, you've won me over now. L: At least try on the jacket again. (helps Luke put the jacket on) LUKE: This is how you like your guys, all GQ'ed up huh? L: Its not GQ'ed up, its just a little less casual. LUKE: And you don't like casual. L: I like casual fine. LUKE: Just not on me. L: No, it just adds variety. Its not lets make a new Luke, its lets see another side of the old one. LUKE: Uh huh. L: You missed a loop. Come here. (Starts fixing his belt) What did you do? (Rachel walks in the diner and stares at them. Luke looks up and sees her.) LUKE: Oh hi. (Lorelai looks up and sees Rachel.) L: Oh hi. Uh, this is not what it looks like. RACHEL: It looks like you're dressing him. L: Then this is exactly what it looks like. LUKE: There was a sale at Bloomingdale's and she. . L: Six trillion percent off. LUKE: How can you walk away from that, huh? (pause) I'm gonna change now. L: Good, uh, I'm gonna get Rory and just enjoy the clothes. LUKE: I will. L: Okay good. See you later Rachel. RACHEL: Bye. L: Bye (Lorelai leaves) LUKE: I'm gonna change. RACHEL: Okay. CUT TO BUS STOP (Lane is waiting by the bus stop, holding 2 cups of coffee. Rory gets off the bus and Lane walks over to her.) LANE: Hi. R: Hi. LANE: I thought you might like some coffee, since you always do. R: Thanks. LANE: So this feels very awkward. R: You know, I'm a big girl Lane. I don't need you to protect me from things. LANE: I just didn't want to make you any sadder than you already are. R: How is you telling me that Dean is your study partner gonna make me sadder? LANE: I don't even want to bring up his name around you. R: That's crazy. LANE: Have you seen your face when you mention Dean? R: My face is fine. LANE: Your face is not fine. Your face is far from fine. R: I'll get over it. LANE: Well you're not over it yet. R: Maybe I'd get over it a little quicker if everyone weren't so busy running around trying to protect me from all the bad scary things in the world. LANE: Fine, I won't protect you anymore. R: Great, glad to hear it. LANE: Next time we're walking down the street and you're about to walk head long into oncoming traffic, I'll just give you a little push. R: Exactly what I'm talking about. LANE: And in the spirit of not protecting you anymore, I was gonna tell you that I couldn't study tonight because I had bible class, but that's not true. I have to meet Dean again. R: Great. Thanks for the honesty. LANE: And I'll probably have to see him again this weekend because the project's due on Monday. R: Whatever. I don't care. I'll see you when I'll see you. LANE: Fine. R: Fine. LANE: Bye. (Lane walks away. Rory throws her coffee into a garbage can as Lorelai walks up. Rory starts walking down the sidewalk as Lorelai follows.) L: Hey, where's Lane going? R: Away. L: Okay, you've been in this mood for a week now and while I love the unexpected ups and downs of motherhood, I've got to say I'm tired of Goofus and I'd like my Gallant back. R: You can't just say a normal sentence right? Just 'Hey, lets talk' is too dull for you. (Lorelai grabs Rory's arm to stop her from walking.) L: Hey lets talk. R: About what? Oh wait I know. How about you and Mr. Medina? L: What? R: I've heard you've gotten back together again. L: Did you talk to Max? R: He had me stay after class today to talk about my difficult breakup situation. L: We are not dating. We had been talking and we just now decided to start dating. R: Why didn't you tell me you'd been talking? L: Because it was too much like the whole Todd and Nevina Cutler thing. R: The what? L: When I was in junior high, I had a boyfriend, Todd something or other. Not a soul mate, but I was crazy about him and he dumped me. I was completely crushed and I could do nothing except lie around and cry and listen to Air Supply, very low point in my life. Two days after the breakup my best friend Nevina Cutler got back together with her boyfriend, Randy something or other, who had dumped her days before Todd dumped me. And she was so happy and gloaty and couldn't stop talking about how great it was that she had her boyfriend back that it made me feel horrible. R: The end. Lets go. L: Look, I didn't want to be Nevina Cutler, okay? You were so miserable about Dean. What was I supposed to do? Walk in and say, 'Sorry about you and Dean but I got Max back and aren't we happy.' Would that have been good? R: That would've been great. L: I was going to tell you, okay? I just wanted to give you some space and a chance to come up for air. I was trying to protect you, that's all. Hey. (Rory walks away down the sidewalk. Lorelai follows her) R: You know, actually, it doesn't matter whether you tell me about Max or not because you're just gonna break up again anyway. L: Excuse me? R: Well that's what you do best. L: Hey, stop right there. R: You'll break up, cry, get back together, break up. It doesn't really matter. I'd rather not have to keep track, so tell me when you're down to the final inning. L: You know what, that is way too snotty a thing even for alternate universe Rory to say. I'd like an apology. R: Fine. I apologize. Let's go home. L: Yeah, lets go home and try that apology again. (Rory is heading home, but stops when she notices that Lorelai has stopped in front of the market.) R: What are you doing? L: We need light bulbs. R: We're fine. L: We're in the dark. It'll take a minute. I assume you won't come in. R: Is it Wednesday? L: No. R: Well then I can't, can I? L: What does Wednesday have to do with anything? R: Nothing. I'll meet you at home. (Rory walks down the sidewalk as Lorelai goes into the market.) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (Lorelai walks in the front door carrying shopping bags.) LORELAI: Rory, I'm back for round two. I got some silly string in case things get really ugly. (Walks into kitchen) Rory? Where are you? (Walks into living room.) Rory? Answer please. Rory? CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (Emily and Richard are in the front hallway, both dressed up. Emily is trying to tie Richard's bow tie.) RICHARD: This is the fourth ridiculous gathering you've dragged me to this week. EMILY: I'm the president of the board Richard, I have to be there. RICHARD: Saving the Berringiny pansy. Who ever heard of such a thing? EMILY: It's a very rare flower that is rapidly disappearing from the face of this earth. RICHARD: Well, who cares? EMILY: As president of the horticultural society, I have to care. RICHRAD: The last thing I need is to spend four hours being bored out of my skull by the same people I'll be bored out of my skull by tomorrow night at the symphony fund-raiser. EMILY: Which reminds me, we need to get your other tux back from the cleaners tomorrow. RICHARD: I'll be dead tomorrow. I plan on flinging myself off the roof tonight right in the middle of Pittie Salinger's opening speech. EMILY: Pittie Salinger is a dear friend and you will be nice to her. RICHARD: Pittie Salinger is a dipsomaniac. I'm going to bring my newspaper. (Richard goes to find the newspaper) EMILY: You will do no such thing. Richard, do you hear me? (Doorbell rings. Emily answers the door and finds Rory standing there.) EMILY: Rory! R: Hi Grandma. EMILY: Rory, is everything okay? R: Everything's fine. EMILY: Richard! Richard, pay the cab. RICHARD: Cab? Who took a cab? EMILY: Rory did. RICHARD: What's Rory doing here? Hello Rory. R: Hi. EMILY: I don't know what she's doing here. Just pay the man and I'll find out. RICHARD: For Pete's sake. (walks out to pay the cab driver) EMILY: Come inside. So tell me, what is going on? R: I had a fight with mom. EMILY: You had a fight with your mother? R: I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of there. (Emily and Rory walk into the living room and sit on the couch.) EMILY: Out of your house? R: Out of that house, that town. Everything. I just had to go. (Richard walks into the living room) RICHARD: He tacked on an extra five dollars just for waiting. Feel like I'm back in Prague. Do you want a cocktail? R: No thanks. EMILY: Richard! RICHARD: Oh, sorry, sorry. I'm just a little confused here. R: You're all dressed up. You were going out. I'm so sorry! RICHARD: Oh, please, don't be. EMILY: It doesn't matter, Rory. R: I'm sorry. Please go out. I didn't mean to ruin your evening. Oh I didn't think! I should've called. EMILY: Now you calm down right now. You do not need to call before you come over here. You are welcome any time. RICHARD: Tonight especially. EMILY: Do you want to talk about what happened? RICHARD: Emily, don't pry. EMILY: I'm not prying, Richard. RICHARD: The girl obviously needs some peace. EMILY: How do you know that? RICHARD: I can tell. EMILY: Oh, you're a mind reader now, how nice. We'll get you a turban and a little booth by the train station. RORY: Would it be okay if I stay here tonight? EMILY: Oh, well, of course. RICHARD: You can stay here as long as you want. R: Thanks. EMILY: Would you like some dinner? I can get Rosa to make you something. RORY: No, I'd just like to go to bed if that's okay. EMILY: Of course. Whatever you like. Your room's all ready. There are pajamas in the dresser, and a new toothbrush in the bathroom. It's pink with sparkles. I thought you'd like it. R: Thanks. (Rory gives Emily a hug, then walks over to hug Richard.) Goodnight Grandpa. RICHARD: Goodnight Rory. (Rory starts to walk towards the stairs.) EMILY: (to Rory) Everything's going to be fine. (to Richard) Richard, say something encouraging. RICHARD: Uh Rory, I'm sorry you're upset, but I applaud your timing. R: See you tomorrow. (Rory goes up to her room.) RICHARD: Emily, what is all this about? EMILY: She had a fight with Lorelai. . . . . and she came here. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (Lorelai is walking around the living room on the phone.) L: Mrs. Kim? It's Lorelai. Is Lane there? Well do you know where she is? Huh. That's unbelievable, you always know where she is. Um, the one time I need you to be crazy prison guard lady you're all, hey man whatever. Um, you know what, I will never be able to explain that to your satisfaction, so um could you just ask Lane to call me please when she gets back. I'm looking for Rory. No I don't know where she is. I uh. . don't "ha" me, you don't know where Lane is either. (Lorelai hangs up the phone) (Sookie walks in the front door) L: Anything? SOOKIE: Patty hasn't seen her but she's been working all day. She's not at the library, and she's not at Luke's. L: Where is she? Why didn't she leave a note? Dammit! SOOKIE: Honey calm down. L: But Rory doesn't take off. She knows it would make me crazy. She knows it would make me worry. I'm crossing over into panic now. SOOKIE: Don't cross. Come back. (There's a knock at the door. Max walks in.) MAX: Hey. L: Hey. MAX: You find her? L: No, nothing. No one's seen her. MAX: Okay, um, what about that old boyfriend of hers? L: Dean! Dean! SOOKIE: On my way. (Sookie leaves.) L: Good suggestion. You get crisis points. Max, I'm freaking out. MAX: Its gonna be okay. Sookie's here, I'm here. We will find her. (Phone rings. Lorelai runs into the living room to answer it.) L: Rory? EMILY: I just thought I should let you know that Rory is here with us. L: What? EMILY: She arrived a few minutes ago. L: She's there? Is she okay? EMILY: She's fine. She asked to spend the night. L: Okay, um, she's there with you. So how did she get there? EMILY: She took a cab. L: Well, let me talk to her. EMILY: She seems quite upset. She said you'd had a fight. L: We had a disagreement. EMILY: She said fight. L: Will you just put her on the phone please, Mom. EMILY: I think we should give her a little time to collect herself. L: Thank you for your input. Can I please talk to my daughter? EMILY: She went to her room Lorelai. L: Her room is here, Mom. I'm standing here looking at her room and she's not in it. EMILY: Lorelai, I did not come to your house and kidnap this child. She ran from you and she came here. She's tired and she's upset. Now I think we should just let her sleep and in the morning we can argue about how to best handle the situation. Maybe a little time away from each other will do both of you some good. L: I'll pick her up in the morning. EMILY: She has school tomorrow and her school is ten minutes from here. L: I'll pick her up after school. EMILY: Why don't you just call tomorrow when she gets back from school? Make sure she wants to go. You don't want to haul her back home just to have her jump in a cab again, do you? L: I'll talk to you tomorrow. EMILY: Good night Lorelai. (Lorelai hangs up the phone.) MAX: So? L: She's with my parents in Hartford. MAX: Good. L: Good? MAX: Bad? L: Bad, very bad. MAX: She's safe. L: She's with my mother. No one is safe with my mother. MAX: She needed some space. L: No, that house is not safe. It's like the Amityville Horror without all the good times. MAX: If it's that bad maybe you should go get her. L: No, she wanted to get away from me. She wants to be alone. Give her her space. (Lorelai walks into the kitchen. Max follows her.) MAX: Are you okay? L: I can't believe she left me to go there. We used to always be able to work this stuff out. MAX: What did you two fight about? L: Oh you. MAX: Me? L: Well it started with the you and the fact that I hadn't told her we were talking again, but I know that was only part of it because she's been in such a bad place lately with this whole Dean thing and so, I don't know, I guess it was coming. I just wish she hadn't run away. MAX: Hey, she will be back and you two will work everything out. L: You're good at the comforting thing, you know? MAX: Thank you. L: Do you want some coffee? MAX: Sure. Can I ask you a question? L: I think you've earned it. MAX: Why didn't you tell Rory about us? L: Oh, she was just so upset about Dean, I didn't think it was the best time to give her my happy news. MAX: Okay. But you've told other people? L: Like what other people? MAX: I don't know. Friends. Sookie. L: Um, no actually, I haven't. MAX: Any reason? L: Just hasn't come up. MAX: It hasn't? L: No. MAX: You're not by any chance avoiding talking to people about it are you? L: No, Max, come on. MAX: It just seems a little strange to me. L: Why is it strange? MAX: Well we've been talking for at least two weeks. I would've thought at some point in there it would've come up. L: You just don't say to people out of the blue, 'Hey, Max and I are talking again.' I mean, I was just waiting for it to come up naturally. MAX: Well yes, but somehow for me it managed to come up naturally within two days at three different times. L: Well you're obviously a much better people person than I am. MAX: I just want to know if there's a reason why you don't want people to know. . . L: Max! MAX: . . .then we should talk about that. L: There's no reason. MAX: Are you sure? L: Yes I'm sure. MAX: Okay. L: Do you believe me? MAX: If you said there's no reason, there's no reason. L: There's no reason. MAX: So you've said. L: So I mean. MAX: Okay. L: All right. MAX: That's fine. L: Uh, I should page Sookie and tell her that Rory's okay. MAX: That's a good idea. (Lorelai walks to the phone.) CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (Emily and Richard are at the breakfast table. Rory walks in.) R: Good morning. EMILY: Rory, good morning. R: Hey Grandma, any thoughts on where my skirt might be? EMILY: I gave it to Rosa to press. Here sit down, have some breakfast. Your skirt will be done by the time you're finished. R: Okay. EMILY: Now, we have eggs, fruit, toast, pancakes, blintzes. R: Anything would be fine. EMILY: Well, what do you usually eat? R: Mostly I just grab a Pop Tart. EMILY: That sounds delicious. I'll have Rosa whip one up for you. R: No, eggs would be great. EMILY: I'll go tell her. (Emily goes into the kitchen.) R: So Grandpa, what's new in the world today? RICHARD: As usual, it's going to hell in a hand basket. R: Its nice to have something you can always count on. RICHARD: It is at that. Would you like part of the paper? : Please. (Emily walks out of the kitchen and sits down.) EMILY: Your eggs will be right out. R: Thanks. EMILY: So did you sleep well? R: The bed was very comfortable. EMILY: But you didn't sleep well? R: No I did, I just. . . EMILY: I talked to your mother last night. I told her you were going to stay here. She said she'd call this afternoon. R: Was she mad? EMILY: She was concerned. (pause) So do you get your lunch at school or do you bring it with you? Because Rosa made a fabulous leg of lamb yesterday. I bet it'd make a wonderful sandwich. RICHARD: Take her up on that. It is good. And demand a slice of strudel. R: Okay. I demand some strudel. EMILY: Good. So what's going on at school today? R: Uh, I have a test in Spanish. RICHARD: Hmm. Are you prepared? R: Oh yeah. I like Spanish. Biology on the other hand . . . RICHARD: Oh, I'm still waiting for the day when my knowledge of the inner workings of a frog's intestinal system can be applied to my work in the insurance industry. R: Perhaps if you were insuring the frog. RICHARD: Ah. (The maid brings out Rory's breakfast.) R: Thank you. This looks great. EMILY: Well good. R: Thanks again for letting me stay. EMILY: It's nice having you here. You got your grandfather to put down his newspaper at the breakfast table. That's a first. RICHARD: Aw now, Emily. EMILY: Well it is. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER (Luke is behind the counter. Lorelai walks in and sits at the counter.) LUKE: Geez, what happened to you? L: A happy 'how do you do' to you too. LUKE: Sorry, you just look bad. L: Well I didn't get much sleep last night. LUKE: Why not? L: Rory and I had a fight and she ran away. LUKE: What! Where! Did you. . L: She's fine. She's at my mother's. LUKE: Geesh, throw that information in with the first part. You'll scare a person to death. L: You know, I got in my car three times to go get her. I drove halfway there and drove back, drove halfway there and drove back. I actually ran of gas driving halfway there and back. LUKE: She'll cool off and come home. L: I know. Just breaking up with Dean has been so hard on her. LUKE: Yeah. L: I just hate that she's going through this. I mean, she's such a good kid. She's so nice to everyone, she cares about everyone. And she's walking around in this unbelievable pain and there's nothing I can do about it. She still won't talk to me. She won't tell me what happened. LUKE: I'll tell you what happened. That Dean kid is a jerk and he finally let her know it. L: I wish I could just pinch his head right off. LUKE: I'll help. L: I warned him. I warned him when I first met him, if he hurt her . . Ah. Maybe I could key his car. LUKE: Or better yet, you can key Taylor's car and tell him Dean did it. L: Yeah. That'd be good. LUKE: You can key Taylor's car, tell him Dean did it and also tell him that Dean littered and walks his dog without a leash. L: He'll run him out of town. LUKE: Good. L: All right. I should go. Rory's probably out of school by now and I want to be home in case she decides to call. LUKE: Coffee's on the house. L: Oh thanks. (stands up to leave) Hey, is that the belt I bought you? LUKE: Oh yeah yeah yeah. The old one broke. L: Oh, lucky you happened to have a spare. LUKE: Yeah. Hey. She'll be home soon. (Lorelai nods in agreement and then leaves.) CUT TO MARKET (Lorelai stands in front of the market thinking about going inside, then walks away. She walks back, then walks away again. She walks back a third time and goes in. She walks over to Dean, who is stocking shelves, and taps him on the shoulder.) L: Got a minute? DEAN: Actually I'm, uh. . L: I just want to tell you that I think you are scum. DEAN: Gee thanks. L: You are gonna be hard pressed to find another girl as fantastic as Rory, you know that? She is beautiful and she is smart and she did not deserve to be treated that way by you. DEAN: Treated what way? L: I thought you were a good guy. I thought you were going to make her happy. I'm such an idiot that I actually thought you were a good pick. But I was wrong and I hate to be wrong. DEAN: You know, I am sick and tired of everyone blaming this thing on me. I mean, you and the whole stupid town looking at me like I'm a criminal. I say 'I love you' and she just sits there and I'm the jerk? I'm the bad guy? L: What? DEAN: You know what? Fine, think what you want, I don't care. Just leave me alone. (Lorelai leaves. Dean finishes stacking the shelf.) CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (The doorbell rings. Emily answers the door and Lorelai walks in.) L: Where is she? EMILY: I thought you were gonna call. L: Where is she mom? EMILY: I haven't had any time to prepare her for this. L: Mom where is she? EMILY: Upstairs in her room. L: Thank you. (Lorelai walks up to Rory's room. Emily follows.) EMILY: She got home from school but she just went right upstairs. Now she didn't want a snack but I had Rosa make her one anyway. I haven't checked to see if she's eaten it. She had a decent breakfast this morning but she did seem a little tired and when I went into her bathroom the aspirin bottle was out so I assume she had a headache. Now I don't know if it was last night or. . L: Excuse me, Mr. Cosell. I appreciate the play by play but I just want to talk to my daughter now. EMILY: Do you want me to go in there with you? L: More than anything. EMILY: Well try and be nice. L: Thanks for the tip. CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM (Rory is lying on the bed. Lorelai walks through the door.) L: Hey. R: Mom! L: Okay, so I thought when you said, 'I'll see you at home,' you meant our home. My mistake. (Rory gets off the bed and walks over to hug Lorelai.) R: I'm so sorry. L: Its okay. R: All those things. . L: I know. R: And then the. . . L: Its no big deal R: I'm just so. . L: I know, I know, I know. So last time I saw you you were headed home, you wanna fill in the blanks? R: I don't know. I just snapped and I got sick of everything. I wanted to go anywhere. L: So you picked hell? R: It was the first place that came to mind. L: I respect that. Listen, the need to run is a feeling I am very well acquainted with. But we have to be able to talk always. No matter how mad or upset we get with each other our particular special thing only works if we agree to that, get it? R: I get it. L: Good. Rory, tell me what happened with you and Dean. R: I don't want to talk about it. L: Well I do. R: Why? L: Because I had a little chat with him today. R: What? Why? L: Well, because I was upset and I was in the mood to do a little yelling. R: You didn't. L: Did. R: No. L: There he was stacking cookies and I'm railing on him about what a great kid you are and how it sucked that he dumped you, and then he said that he told you he loved you and I started feeling a little stupid. R: He did tell me. L: And you didn't say anything? R: No. L: Well that must have been rough on him. R: He looked so hurt. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt him. L: I know. R: I just got scared and I sat there. L: I understand. You know, I'm still learning this stuff too and since I'm still learning, I think I haven't thought enough about what I'm supposed to be teaching you. R: What are you talking about? L: I'm talking about my own personal lack of commitment skills. I mean, look, I love that you have my eyes and my coffee addiction and my taste in music and movies, but when it comes to love and relationships, I don't necessarily want you to be like me. I would hate to think that I raised a kid who couldn't say I love you. R: Mom. L: I'm not even talking specifically about Dean. I mean just generally in life. For example, say you're dating Taylor Hanson. R: Why am I dating Taylor Hanson? L: It's a hypothetical scenario, go with it. So, uh, you and Taylor have been seeing each other pretty regularly. . R: How did I meet Taylor Hanson? L: You went to his concert, you got backstage, your eyes met across the crowd and you've been seeing each other ever since. R: Hanson's still together? L: They're the new Bee Gees. So. . R: And why would you not stop me from going to a Hanson concert? L: Hey, someone's trying to make a point here. R: Sorry. Go ahead. L: So you and Taylor have been dating for awhile, and things are great, and, um, you're happy, and you feel all those crazy mushy things that people feel when they're in love. I want you to be able to say to him, Taylor, I love you. R: Okay, can we pick a new hypothetical 'cause this one's wigging me out. L: My point is that it's scary to be in love, that much I know, but it's also wonderful and special and if you can't say it or fully express it then you're never gonna be able to experience it and I want you to experience everything that's great because you're so great. Are you hearing me? R: Yeah, I'm hearing you. L: I'm not saying you say "I love you" at the drop of a hat. It has to be right and real and it has to take a lot of thought. But someday with someone it will be right. I want you to be ready for that moment when it happens. R: Are you ready for that moment when it happens? L: I'm working on it. I do however know what dress I'll be wearing. CUT TO FRONT HALL (Richard, Emily, Rory and Lorelai are standing in front of the door.) R: Thank you guys so much. EMILY: It was our pleasure. L: What do I owe you for the cab? RICHARD: Oh, don't worry about that. R: Thanks for sharing the paper. RICHARD: Anytime. L: And thank you mom. EMILY: Of course. She's our granddaughter. L: All right, we'll see you tomorrow night. EMILY: Seven o'clock. L: Oh really, is it seven 'cause I wasn't sure if. . EMILY: Goodbye Lorelai. L: Bye. (Rory and Lorelai leave.) RICHARD: Well it looks like it's just the two of us again. EMILY: I guess so. CUT TO INSIDE LORELAI'S JEEP R: I was almost tempted to see if she could make a Pop Tart. L: Wow, home cooked breakfast, homemade lunch, I'm trying to remember why I left there. Oh yeah, my parents. R: Funny, funny girl. (They drive by Lane's house.) Hey, let me out here. L: Oh okay. R: I'll meet you back at the house. L: Excuse me? R: I'll show up this time. L: I'll have the pizza waiting. (Rory knocks on the door of Lane's house. Lorelai watches from the Jeep as Rory and Lane hug. Lorelai drives off.) CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (Lorelai walks in the front door and puts her purse on the hall table. She walks over to the phone, picks it up and dials a number. She picks up her address book and walks over and sits on the couch.) MAX: Hello? L: Now, I'm starting with the 'A's. So first up is Richie Andrews. He's either a second cousin on my mother's side or the guy who regrouted the bathroom. Either way, I think he's going to be thrilled to hear about us. MAX: Lorelai. . L: After I've called everyone in here, I'm going to makes sure to spread the word at the inn. MAX: Uh huh. L: I thought I'd put little notices in everyone's rooms: "Welcome to the Independence Inn. Max and Lorelai are back together." MAX: Can I see you after your dinner tomorrow night? L: Oh I don't know. I have a lot of phone calls to make. Ooh! The Internet! Let's go global! MAX: Good night Lorelai. L: Goodnight. (Lorelai hangs up with Max, then dials another number.) L: Hey! Richie, it's Lorelai. . .
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Kevin: I'm running to the bar to watch the games with the guys. Oh, no, no, no. Kevin: Why? Why? Where did that shirt come from? I don't know. Found it in the back. I figured I haven't worn it in a while... It needs to go way back, further. Why would I change? Yeah. Why would you change? Why would you wear that? Kevin: I don't know. Mommy, Daddy, look what I found in the toilet. Where did you get that, sweetheart? I made it. You made that? You made it? Yes, you did. Kevin and Jenny: Don't squeeze it. That was sh1t. She has sh1t in her hand. Mm-hm. Why is she picking up sh1t? I've read about this before. It's like fun with feces. Fun with feces? I've taken dumps before. It's fun, you take a picture of it. Send it to friends. Disgusting. You don't whip it around your head like a churro. Just let her grow out of it. You're the mother, deal with this. Don't tell anybody. I'm not gonna tell anyone. Nobody knows about this poop situation. Obviously. Ellie: I'm putting it in the kitchen. Okay, honey... No, no, no, baby, don't. To two of my good friends. Mr. Frank Gore and Mr. Andre Johnson. Leading the Double Ent-Andres to victory. This is my worst nightmare. Losing to you. I was expecting a little bit of a challenge this week. But your team is so terrible. Oh, stop. This is like Freaky Friday. Like, Kevin has gone into Andre's body. The roles have reversed. Guess what. I'm your mother, but I'm cool now. What do you mean? You reversed roles and he's crushing you. I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, you're Lindsay Lohan. I'm cool, you're not. This is what I lost to? Pete: Wow. You know, I do talk a lot of smack, guys, but it's only because I can: [BEEPING] What does that mean? Andre: Back it up. I can back up my smack talk, my friend. [PETE & ANDRE BEEPING] Okay, really? Stereo? When the guy's right, he's right. Knows what he's doing. Hi, I got off the phone with the out-of-towners. Vince would like me to give you the number for a shelter... because Andre beat your ass so bad. That's nice. All this can be fixed. All you have to do is win. I will win, okay, but there's something strange going on here. Can I just say, next week, I would like to extend an invitation to you... to watch the games at my house and have a meal provided by my lovely wife. I have not been invited over since the arrival of The First Human Child. Have you been? I don't know if I have security clearance. I don't. Do you? No, I haven't been through the scanners. We got a dog. Ellie can play with the dog. You've got a dog? Ruxin: Come over. Enjoy my home, watch the games. It will be lovely. That'd be exciting. Ruxin: Yeah, Sofia's excited. She's gonna be cooking some famous dish. That should be good. Oh, Sofia's gonna be there. Yeah, my wife's gonna be at my house. Taco: Oh, cool. I haven't seen her in a while. She's fun, she's cool. Andre: You want us to bring anything? Yeah. You know what you can bring is a condom... so that you can just go to town on Kevin like you did last week. [ANDRE BEEPING] Backing it up. It's all right, buddy. How's your lineup looking? Pete: It's not good. It is listed as questionable. Questionable, what does that mean? No one knows what that means. It's like if I start him, and he doesn't play... I have nothing in the bank, got no backups. I'm screwed. Yeah, you have no outs. They know if they're playing. They know. They should tell us. We should have a direct phone line to these guys. Not to mention, I'm playing Andre this week. And rumor is, he actually beat someone last week. I mean, can you imagine losing to that guy? Are you happy now? Are you finished? You've really... You've done enough to my psyche. It could happen to anyone, all right? Gotta go. All right, bye. Hey, you. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I had a couple meetings. I'm in between. Great to see you. Let's go grab a drink. Andre: I, um... You know what, I can't because I have to do a house-call thing. You're a plastic surgeon. Yeah. Do you have, like, an emergency spider vein, or a tit popped or something like that? What happened? Good one. I'd love to hang out, but I gotta do this. Kidding aside, I gotta say something. Uh, we break your balls about the league... but you're really doing well and I'm happy for you. Well, guess what. I've always been this good. I've always been a champion. And you know what I've been doing is I've been sowing and now I'm reaping. Planting the seed and then I've grown into a beautiful flower... and now everyone wants to smell me. So smell it? [SNIFFS] You smell that? What? It's bullshit, man. Oh, really? You're out there. I see you. You're out there. You got your games you're playing. You got people on the side you're paying to help you out. There's maybe even a dungeon. You got a guy down there. All right, I'm onto you. You know what I smell? Ah, yes, it's, uh, the smell of jealousy... with a tinge of admiration... and just a whiff of sadness. Good luck because I'm gonna: [ANDRE BEEPING] Oh, here we go. Back it up. Back it up. What's up, Dre? Oh, what's up, ballers? Jd: Dre. What's up, man? High-five. Jd: There he is. Robert: Oh, yeah, buddy. All right. Dr. Dre, you are killing it. You are dominating this league. Tell me something I don't know. Andre Potter and the Fantasy Zone is coming for you. All right, so watch out. This week I'm up against you. I know you're gonna beat me. I dominate the waiver wire. Andre, I thought maybe this week... Andre: Whoa. What'd you call me? l... Andre. Andre: No, no, no. Here I'm Dre, okay? I'm sorry. Heh. I'm so sorry. Andre: All right? Hey, it's cool. Man: You accept my apology? Accepted. We were thinking of going to Hammer's house in Wrigleyville, just hanging. Watching all the games... No, guys. No Sundays. We'll do the weekend afterwards. No Sundays. How many times do I have to tell you? Wanna talk on Sundays, don't call me. Text me. We'll take it. Andre: There you go. Yeah, we're good. Let's all agree that we are The League of Extraordinary Fantasy Gentlemen. No, no, instead of The League of Extraordinary Fantasy Gentlemen... I think that we should change it to The Fantasy League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Oh, triple snap. Right? Boom, boom, boom! Boom, boom, boom! Pete: All right, LT. How's the ankle, bud? Questionable. Questionable. What does that tell me? All right. You wanna play it that way? All right, that's fine. Hi, this is Pete. I'd like to speak with Terry Bradshaw, please. Yeah, it's a personal matter so just returning his call. Hey, is Bradshaw around? Yeah, Pete needs him. Hi, I have Peter calling for Mr. Bradshaw. Pete. P-E-T-E, for Terry. Yeah, it's Uncle Pete. Let me talk to Terry. Man: Hey, Pete, it's Terry. Hi, Terry. Hey, Uncle Pete, is everything all right? Is there a problem? Uh, no, no problem. But, you know, I was just... I was thinking about football... I was actually worried about IT this weekend. This is not my Uncle Pete. No, it's me, it's Uncle Pete. Come on. You used to sit on my lap, pony rides, Pete. No, my Uncle Pete had his larynx taken out. He talks through a hole in his neck now. It's a miracle. Cut the crap, buddy, all right? You think I've never been pumped for some fantasy-football information? I once had a policeman... pull me over just to see whether or not he should start Kurt Warner... or Donovan McNabb. Just hook me up once, please. Is LT gonna play? You got some balls, kid. Two small ones but I'm trying to use them. I do admire that. I'll answer your question. Yes, definitely. Yes? Absolutely. Starting, good shape. I am sending you a fruit basket, sir. Thank you. You know this number? Yes, sir. Lose it. Thank you, sir, thank you. Bradshaw on the phone, LT on the field. Unstoppable. Ruxin: Oh... Sofia: Hi. Almost game time. Let's do it. Ruxin: Hold your horses. Hold your horses, okay? We gotta talk some ground rules. If you don't mind sanitizing your hands before you see baby Jeffrey. Don't ask these people, tell them. Cover yourself in this. Put it on the rug rat. Taco, take a bath in it. Can I drink it? Pete: It's like holy water. Let us all anoint our hands before we touch the baby Jesus... for he has come to save the world. You joke, but it's true. Taco: Oh, hey. Pete: Oh, yeah. It's a baby. Look at the baby. Goodness. He's beautiful. Sofia: He is. Jenny: He's wonderful. Yeah. Beautiful? He's got the Ruxin face. [GROANING] We used to be two. Now we're a Holy Trinity. Taco: It's beautiful. How'd your mom like the christening? I told her the church was like a really progressive synagogue. Who did you go with for godparents? It was supposed to be Pete and Meegan until: [IMITATES EXPLOSION] Sofia: Yeah. Just because I'm single that doesn't disqualify me from being a godparent. Seriously, I have been a great godfather to Ellie. Have I not? Whoa, I thought I was Ellie's godfather. [JENNY CLEARS THROAT] Ruxin: Yeah. Yes, you know, you are. I was thinking of something different, and you're a great godfather. Yeah, because when you guys die of cancer, car accident, whatever... I'm gonna move into your house. Bring my puzzles, my slingshot, my Sega Genesis. Gonna hang out with Ellie all day. It's gonna be awesome. Taco, I'm gonna be around a long time, okay? Yeah, but she probably won't. I'm standing right here. I'm just saying that... Unless the son of Ruxin starts spouting off the scores, I think... All right, you're excused. Thank you. Sofia: Yes. Get all single men out of here. Anyone with communicable diseases. So, Jenny... Suck it, Ruxin. Hi, buddy. Hi, buddy. Yeah. Ellie, you wanna meet Jeffrey? Kevin: Come here, sweetie. Step up and say hello. Hello. Ellie is such an angel. Jenny: Thank you. Sofia: She is so well behaved. Jenny: She is so smart. They pick up things at that age. Kevin: Oh, yeah. She picks everything up. Picks it up and she moves... She's brilliant. I have some snacks for you guys, but please don't fill up. I have a very big, delicious lunch coming up. Sounds good. Nice TV. Need help in the kitchen? I do. Well, let's do it, girlfriend. All right, Taco, bring it on. Taco: What do we got here? Kevin: Easy does it, sweetheart. Be easy. Oh, look at this. Ruxin: Hey. Kevin: Oh, hi. Guys, everybody, this is Cale. Pete: What? I love Cale. Can I pet him? Ellie, go outside. You named your dog Cale? Yeah. I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby. If it was a boy, we wanted to name it Cale. It's a great name. We can share the name. No, we're not sharing Cale. No, I'm not... The dog looks like a Cale. I mean, look at him, he's a Cale. I hate you. You screwed me here. Because now, instead of Cale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles. What's that name? Moral. Moral MacArthur. He sounds like a Civil War general. Can you change your dog's name? This dog's real, your baby's hypothetical. And I think a mistake. Kevin: Dick. Sorry, I can't talk to you right now, bye. Kevin: Oh, God. [ALL BOOING] Hey, your week two champion has arrived. Kevin: Oh, stop, all right? It's week three. Get over it, sit down. Andre: Center seat for the winner. Sit down. There's a crack. You wanna sit there? Watch it. Jenny: Just go. Pete: Pick a nice seat there. Kevin: Get here on time. That's Cale's seat, but I'll let you sit in it. By the way, awesome name. Great dog. Ruxin: Thanks. Ruxin, why are we watching a baby in picture-in-picture here? What's happening? I got Jeffrey on the baby cam there, so we can watch him... while the game is going on. Wait, that's baby Jeffrey? Yeah. I heard if you look directly at him, he'll blind you. The Ark of the Covenant, he melts your face. That smells delicious. You're a good helper, Taquito. Oh, merci. Sofia: Here, let me taste, let me taste. Mm-hm. Good? Good? Here. All it needs is for you to try it. Ahh. Weird to you at all? This? Sofia: You're so awesome. No. There's a man in your kitchen performing your husbandly duties with your wife. Doesn't bother you? Does it bother me... that Taco is in my kitchen blanching carrots... while I'm out here drinking beer and watching football? No. No, it doesn't bother me. I do not have a great butt. You do have a great butt. I have a theory. So in horse racing, oftentimes they'll bring in a lesser horse... get the mare all riled up, excited, feeling it. And right as he's about to blow, they yank him out... and bring in the breeding stallion. Hello. Heh, heh. You have a great butt. You got that Latin butt going on, seriously. So Taco's essentially your teasing stallion? Nailed it. Don't you spank me. Don't you spank me. Wait, I noticed that you're starting it this week. That's a bold choice, right? Jenny: You played it this week? Yeah, of course I did. How do you know he's gonna play? I feel pretty confident about it. [SCENE_BREAK] [CELL PHONE RINGING] Sweet ringtone. You changed it from Limp Bizkit? Yep. Hey. [LAUGHS] Hey, hey, giggly, it's rude to talk on the phone in front of your friends. This is the third call. Andre: Hold on one sec? Are you dealing now? What's happening? Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He didn't know it was a bye week? Oh, dude, I am going to crush the Hammer. I gotta go, man. I can't talk to you, it's... [KEVIN CLEARS THROAT] Um, I gotta go. What you doing? Checking out these books. Yeah? Who you talking to? No one. I'm gonna ask you one more time. Who you talking to? I'm in another league. I knew it. How long have you been in it? Is this serious? Andre: I love it. I'm a king there, they love me. What? And it's been the best three weeks of my life. They don't make fun of me. They like me. They think I'm funny... Settle down a bit, we're gonna... We're hearing you, and we're gonna try harder. You're gonna stop making fun of my teeth? No. Yes. You're not gonna keep on making jokes? You mean that the semen's dissolving all the enamel? I knew it. Go ahead, laugh. I know it's in there. Pete: Don't laugh. Yeah, laugh it up. Pete: That wasn't funny. You're right. It's hilarious to you guys. But I have a disease. A periodontal disease. I can show you the prescriptions I have for a special toothpaste. So does my grandfather. I'm sorry. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Those guys, you know what they say? "Oh, Andre, is that too hot for you? Oh, Andre, we care about your enamel." Do they say, "Oh, Andre, can we shoot it in the back of your mouth"? Pete: We're getting off track here. Sometimes we're not the best at expressing our emotions. But that's why you belong. You're the glue that holds the whole group together. You're the centerpiece. You're like the honeydew in a fruit salad, you know. Nobody likes the honeydew. But you need it because it fills up space. The point he's saying is this is less about you than it is about us. Without you, we'd eat our own, man. Can I bring maybe one of those guys? No, not a chance. No. Pete: We need you to take care of this. Want you to call those guys, break up with that league. Okay. Well, we'll see. You know what's important. Make that call. Yes, Maurice Jones-Drew, three touchdowns. Give me some sugar. Yeah. Hey, where's Ellie? Seriously? Yeah. I put her down for a nap a half-hour ago. Oh, good thinking. Lunch is ready. Jenny: Awesome. Pete: Food. Jenny: It smells really good, Sofia. Fantastic. Kevin: Get some food and head back to the table. Nope. Uh-uh. That's not lunch. Follow me. Where are we going? You guys are in for quite the treat. Lots of yum-yums for your tum-tums. Sofia: Ta-da! Andre: All right. Sofia: Have a seat. Is it just like grab a plate and then... Pete: Exciting. No, you sit down. Have a seat. Kevin: Great. This is Sunday, relax. It's a long lunch, and we have lots of food coming out. First course is shrimp cocktail. Enjoy. Thanks, Sofia. Looks great. Thanks. Thank you. First course? First course? What? Of how many? Don't know. Three or four. Goods not as advertised, Ruxin. Excuse me, I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my close friends. We wanna watch the football games. What are you doing? f*ck you, Ruxin! Kevin: Jesus, Andre. Look, guys, relax. Look, my wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. If I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games. That's very sweet, thank you. I have put the games on pause. All we need to do is respect the pause. That doesn't work. We just need to go on an information lockdown. Doesn't work. I don't trust you. This one's a spy. Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him, look at that shirt. I don't trust myself in my heart. I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try. Don't touch me. We need to police each other... like in Communist Russia. This is gonna be, like, football Gestapo. No, that's Germany. They both got it done. [TACO IMITATING AIRPLANE ENGINE] Salad plane, coming through. Sofia: You're so funny. Kevin: Yes. Ruxin: All right. Second part of course one, guys, let's get those greens. Sofia thought that maybe we should do this buffet-style. Pete: Good idea. Let's do it. Sofia: He had this great idea... How food like this has to be savored. Sofia: Yes. Taco: Gotta sit and enjoy it. Enjoy each other's company. That's what we were doing. In the other room, watching football. Yeah, right. Hey, dig in everyone. All right. [SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] Taco: Mmm. Sofia: Mm. Taco: Let's do it. I'm done. Done. Done. Paella time. Beep, beep. Kevin: Aww! He means, oh, yeah. [PEOPLE CHEERING] They're watching the games next door. What game is on now? We're missing everything. Abide by the pause. This is bullshit. Abide by the pause. This is lovely, thank you very much. Sofia: Thank you. I'm just gonna go to the restroom. Thank you very much. Oh, I'll show you where it is. I know where it is. No, we remodeled. I think I can find it. I insist. How far are you gonna take this? All the way. You wanna hold it? lf I have to. And here comes the soup. Watch out, it's piping hot. Sofia: Awesome. Can we get one cool for Andre? He actually has really sensitive teeth. Yeah. Really? Absolutely, you do. You deserve that. Yeah, I do. Um, I gotta go make a call. You're not going anywhere. I have to check in with a patient. Kevin: Let him go. Hey, you guys are unbelievable. But, um... there is another league. What is he saying to his patient? Something like, "Hey, I heard this is an emergency. It's me, Dr. Andre." [IN WHINY VOICE] "Oh, Dr. Andre, you know those calf implants you gave me? Well, it's making it hard to get... my bedazzled Ed Hardy skinny jeans up over my legs." I wanna be with you guys. I wanna be on the party bus. But I can't. Because I already got a party bus. And those guys are great. Ruxin (in whiny voice): "Oh, you wearing a stupid hat?" [IN NORMAL VOICE] "You know I am. I'm Dr. Andre." Just tell the rest of The Fantasy League of Extraordinary Gentlemen that I'm sorry. And tell Hammer I'll miss him most of all. Hey, you take care of business? Yeah, it's over. Thank you so much for coming to our lunch. Thank you, Taco. I hope you had a great time. Wait, so... Are we finished? Yes. Pete: Thank you very much, it was excellent. Kevin: Thank you. Guys, there's some dessert, guys. Pete: Finally. Jesus. Jenny: Wait, wait. Kevin: Hurry up, sit, sit, sit. Jenny: Stop. Pete: Go. Hello, everyone. I'm Terry Bradshaw from Fox Sports Studio. This NFL update: Star running back LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers... will not start today... What? ...as the Chargers host the Miami Dolphins. Andre: I told you. You lie. [ANDRE LAUGHS] You lost, I win. Two weeks in a row. [CELL PHONE RINGS] Two for two. Could happen to anyone. Hello? Bradshaw: Hey, Pete, it's Terry Bradshaw. Hello there. You think I'm gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win? Man, I was kind of hoping you would. Ain't gonna happen. And one other thing, you hear me? What's that? I hated my Uncle Pete, you dickhead. Great. Who was that? That's my new mortal enemy. Andre? Meegan? The dude deep-dicking Meegan? Scintillating dinner conversation? Terry. It looks like you better sell your house, because only winners live here. Slam. Andre, that actually doesn't play. Try something else. I got a slam list. Oh, good, good, yeah. What? Andre: Slam list. Pete: Slam list. In case you have to battle-rap someone? Okay, this is a good one. Um... [IN BRITISH ACCENT] You better be careful, my lady... because Jack the Ripper's slicing up losers. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Right? Pete: I can't even come back from that. And that's why I write it down. Cale, come here. [DOG BARKING] Cale? Cale's made a doodie. Some Bud Light Lime for Andre. How you doing, baby? Sofia: Mmm. This whole day has been amazing. Oh, yeah? Lunch turned out so delicious. Ruxin: Mm-hm. Oh, I had so much fun. Good. And we're gonna have fun. Mm-hm. Oh, really? Well, good. [RUXIN CHUCKLES] I got the spoons and the cinnamon for the coffee. Ruxin: All right. He's such a good helper. He is. Looks like you kids got this under control. Hey, can you give my girl a foot rub if she needs one? Foot rubs are my specialty. Thank you, Ruxin. It's the least I could do. You have any peppermint oil? You know I do. All right, I'll take care of your little footsies. Pete: Oh, he's not getting up. Oh, no. He hurt his ankle. Frank Gore's... Frank Gore's out, man. Who...? Who's got his backup? Glen Coffee? Yeah, who's got Glen Coffee? I don't know who's got Glen Coffee. I would think that it would be... Hey, give me. Ow, ow! Pete: Don't even. Ruxin: Refresh! Refresh. Refresh. Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, the newest member of the Double Ent-Andres... Mr. Glen Coffee. That was too fast. No, host gets first dibs. What are you talking about? I'm telling you, since the days of Lombardi. I got him fair and square. You know what I just realized? You were out on the phone earlier. My guess is you got a little tip that Frank Gore had gotten injured. You did not respect the pause. I don't respect the pause? You did not. Do you know what I was doing? What? I was breaking up with my other league. Kevin: Oh, God Pete: Oh, boy. Excuse me, they knew? Pete: Sorry. Yes, relax. Ruxin: Are you joking me? Have you guys been working in collusion? You're all against me. That's why I've never won. Give us a ruling. Who gets Glen Coffee? No way the commissioner can give a fair ruling. Look, Ruxin, I am perfectly capable of giving an impartial ruling, all right? Even though you stole my son's name... Ruxin: No way. ...and you know you did do it... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, situation developing. Picture-in-picture. Ellie is bringing a special gift to baby Ruxin. And if memory serves, I believe that's a turd. Ruxin: What is she doing? No. Pete: She's going, she's on the 15. Don't do it. She's on the 10. She's on the five, she's reaching. Touchdown! Ruxin: What did she do? Pete: Six points for Ellie. Ruxin: What is your filthy daughter doing? All the Purell in the world not gonna fix that. It's just a phase she's going through. A phase? Fun with feces. Fun with feces. You know who has fun with feces? Psychopaths. You saying my daughter's a psychopath? She should be sent abroad. Maybe she could go to Mexico and have a fecal fiesta. Or perhaps Brazil for a caca carnival. What the hell is going on? Did I hear something about a carnival? Ruxin: Out. Sofia: Get out. Next weekend, same time, same place? You host a magnificent party, Sofia. Ruxin: It's not my fault. Sofia: It's your fault. Over the name Cale? Yeah, it's lost some of its luster. You're right. This league is a lot more fun. Isn't it, though?
doc_60
[Scene: Manor. It's night time. Phoebe walks in. All the lights are turned off.] Phoebe: Hello? Anybody home? Sister witches, guess what? (Phoebe walks in the living room and turns on the light. Piper is there making out with a guy on the couch. She jumps up.) Piper: Oh, oh. Are you nuts? Phoebe: What are you doing? Guy: Hi. Phoebe: Hi. (Piper freezes the guy and walks over to Phoebe.) Piper: Ooh. Phoebe: Hi. Piper: Sister witches? I can't believe you said that. What's the matter with you? Phoebe: How was I supposed to know that you were gonna be here with anybody? Last I heard that you were meeting a banker friend about the loan. (She looks at the guy and then back at Piper.) Is this the credit check? Piper: It's not what you think. We were just... we-we... were just kissing, that's all. Phoebe: Piper, you don't have to justify it. You're single. You're responsible. You're way overdue in the s*x department. I say go for it. Piper: I'm not way overdue. Alright, maybe a little, but that's besides the point. I would never just sleep with a guy to get something. You know that Phoebe: Piper, give yourself a break. You're going through a lot right now. No job, straining to buy the club, you haven't heard from Leo in weeks. (Prue walks in through the front door. She's on her phone.) Prue: Alright, well, the preview is at five and the auction Sunday at eleven. Piper: Oh no, Prue. Go back outside. Go on. Hurry! (Prue looks at them for a second, then goes back outside. Piper stands back next to the guy and he unfreezes.) Guy: So, you must be Prue. (He stands up.) Phoebe: Uh, no. Actually... (Prue comes back inside, still on the phone.) Prue: (on phone) Alright, great, yeah, I'll see you then. (Prue hangs up.) Phoebe: She's Prue. I'm Phoebe. Piper: Rob, can we take a rain check on the rest of the evening? It's getting kind of crowded in here. Rob: Okay, sure. (Rob grabs his coat and heads for the door.) Piper: Yeah. Okay, um, so I'll meet you tomorrow at the club at noon. Great. Thanks for dinner. Rob: Okay, alright. (They kiss.) Bye. Piper: Bye. (Rob leaves. Piper closes the door and turns to her sisters, who are grinning.) Prue: So, did you get the loan? Piper: Hopefully. I'll find out tomorrow. Prue: Well, my fingers are crossed. (Prue and Piper start to leave the room.) Phoebe: Wait, you guys. Where are you going? Prue: Well, I have an auction coming up. I have clients to call. Phoebe: Wait, you guys. Don't you even know what tomorrow is? It's our one year anniversary of becoming witches. Hello? Piper: Tomorrow is? Really? Prue: So... Phoebe: So? So? It's a day to celebrate. And not just because it's our anniversary but because it falls on one of the most powerful wiccan days of the year. The autumnal equinox. Now, according to this witch that I met today at bookstore... Piper: Hold it. A witch? Prue: You didn't tell her about us, did you? Phoebe: Well, yeah, sure I did. Why not? I mean, I didn't tell her that we're magical witches, obviously. Look, I'm sorry but I think after everything we've been through it's important to learn as much as we can about who we are. Forewarned is forearmed. Prue: And I think that we should leave well enough alone. I mean, we've been demon-free for over a month now, I'd like to keep it that away. Piper: Amen to that. (Prue and Piper walk out of the room.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. The next morning. The Book Of Shadows opens up by itself and the pages start to flip. Phoebe races in.] Phoebe: Prue! Piper! (Prue and Piper come in.) Prue: What's going on? Phoebe: Uh, I don't know! Piper: Why does the book do that? How does the book do that? (They go over to the Book and look at the page it opens up to.) Phoebe: "Rite of passage. Fight it with the Power of one or else..." (A vortex opens in the wall and a gust of wind blows through the attic. A demon is sitting in the vortex. Prue hesitates to use her power and the demon steals the Book. The vortex closes.) Piper: What the hell was that? Phoebe: The Book Of Shadows? Where's the Book of Shadows? Piper: So much for being demon-free. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Attic. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there. Prue and Piper are picking up pieces of paper that blew across the room. Phoebe is knocking on the wall where the vortex opened.] Piper: Did you find anything? Phoebe: Nothing. But whatever it was literally came out of nowhere and disappeared into nowhere. Piper: Well, it took the Book of Shadows somewhere. And he's powerful too. No other demons been able to steal the book. Prue: But if he's so powerful, why didn't he kill us? Phoebe: He probably didn't want to go up against you. Prue: Me? What do you mean? Phoebe: That's what the Book of Shadows says. Fight it with The Power of One. That's gotta mean your power. It's the strongest. Prue: Says who? Phoebe: Says every demon or warlock we've ever gone up against. Piper: She's right, Prue. The power of one's gotta mean you, otherwise it would've said the Power of Three. The only question is how are we gonna find this demon. We don't know anything about him. Phoebe: Well, we better think of something fast because without the Book of Shadows, we're not the Charmed Ones anymore. (The doorbell rings.) [Cut to downstairs. Phoebe is coming down the stairs.] Phoebe: Coming. (She walks into the foyer and opens the door. A 16-year old girls stands there.) Uh, hi... Jenny: Can I use your phone, please? Phoebe: Uh, well, actually, we're... Jenny: Please? It's an emergency. Please? Phoebe: Okay. Come on in. It's right around that corner. (The girl walks in and picks up the phone. Prue and Piper walk in the foyer.) Piper: (to Phoebe) Are you out of your mind? Phoebe: What was I supposed to do? Say no? Look at that poor girl. (They look at her.) Dan: (outside) Jenny? Jenny, come on. Talk to me. (A cute guy in his late 20's let's himself inside.) Prue, Piper and Phoebe: Whoa! Jenny: (on phone) International Operator please. Saudi Arabia. Prue: Saudi Arabia? Dan: I'm sorry. We're moving in next door. Or at least we're trying to. Our phone's not hooked up yet. Phoebe: So, you're our new neighbours? Dan: Name's Dan. Uh, Dan Gordon. Jenny: (on phone) I don't care if the circuits are busy. I have to talk to my mum. Dan: And that's my niece Jenny. Who's obviously not talking to me. Jenny, sweetie, come on. (Jenny hangs up and storms outside.) Dan: I'm sorry. It's nice meeting you. Phoebe: You too. (Dan leaves.) I saw him first! Piper: Demons now, drooling later. Prue: Look, I have to meet my client before the preview. (Prue starts to leave.) Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute. The scariest demon we've ever run across opens up some portal in our attic, and steals the Book of Shadows and you want to go into the office? (Prue nods and walks away.) Phoebe: Wh- (She turns to Piper) What's the matter with her? Piper: It's the first demon she's faced since Andy died. Maybe it's bringing up some bad memories. [Scene: On another plane. The demon that stole the Book of Shadows turns to the back of the Book and reads a spell backwards.] [Scene: Park. Witches have gathered for the Equinox celebration. Piper and Phoebe are also there.] Piper: What are we doing here? Phoebe: Celebrating the Equinox. Can't you just feel it? The energy in this place? It's a convergence. Piper: It's a crock. I thought we were supposed to meet your witch friend. Phoebe: We are. This is where she told us to meet her. Now, please just relax. Piper: Relax? My life was a mess before our little wake up call this morning, remember? (Stevie arrives.) Phoebe: Oh, Stevie! (They go over to her.) Stevie: Hey, Phoebe. I'm so glad you could make it. Phoebe: Um, actually, we are not here for this. We needed to talk to you about something. This is my sister, Piper. Piper: Hi. Stevie: Hey, Piper, it's very nice to meet you. Are you witch too? Piper: Uh, sorta... maybe... I don't know. Uh, is everybody here one, also? Stevie: Oh, no. No, no, no... It's just a group of believers, women who know of this special place and who've come to celebrate. By the way, happy anniversary. Phoebe: That's what we wanted to talk to you about. Why did you say that today was gonna be a powerful day for us? Stevie: Because your anniversary falls on the Equinox. Which is a powerful day in and of itself for you, this convergence of powers is even stronger. The potential greater. All you have to do is connect. You wanna try it? Phoebe: Try it? How? Stevie: Let us begin. (Stevie joins the other women.) Piper: I don't wanna connect. Phoebe: We have to connect. Piper: I don't wanna try it. Phoebe: Okay, but we have to because... Piper: Why? Phoebe: What have we got to lose, okay? (Piper and Phoebe turns around and notice all the women have taken off their clothes.) Piper: Well, apparently we've got our clothes to lose. Phoebe: I see that. (Phoebe pulls Piper behind a rock wall and Phoebe starts taking off her clothes.) Piper: No. Whoa, Whoa. Wait. What are you doing? Phoebe: When in Rome. Piper: No-no-no! We're not in Rome, Phoebe. We're in California. And it's illegal here. Phoebe: It's totally natural, okay? Go for it. Come on. Piper: God. This is ridiculous. Can I keep my shoes on? Phoebe: Yeah, but that's it. Piper: We've got absolutely zero, zero information. Phoebe: Everybody's naked, not just you. Piper: And now we're naked. Phoebe: Shh, okay? Shh. Grams' voice: The Power of Three. Phoebe: Did you just hear that? Piper: Hear what? Grams' voice: The Power of Three. Phoebe: That. Grams? Piper: Grams? (Piper looks around and tries to cover herself up.) What? Where? I don't hear anything. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. Mrs. Milton is looking at some items up for auction. Prue walks in the room.] Prue: Mrs. Milton. Hi. I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Mrs. Milton: Oh, no problem. I was just looking around. Prue: Well, I think that we'll have a great turnout for the preview. We've been getting an excellent response to your husband's collection. Mrs. Milton: I'm not surprised. Prue: Now, the opening bid prices may look a little low, but don't worry. It should attract a lot of buyers, which should result in a bidding war. It's the best way to sell inventory like this at top dollar. Is that all right with you? Mrs. Milton: I guess I'm having a little more trouble letting go of John's things than I thought. Prue: That's only natural. It's not easy. Mrs. Milton: I suppose that you deal with death quite a bit in your line of work, don't you? I mean, like this, auctioning off some poor widows inheritance. Prue: This? Unfortunately, yes. Mrs. Milton: I just keep going over and over in my mind the last time I saw him before the accident. And I keep thinking if only I'd done something or said something to stop him from getting in the car, maybe he'd still be alive. [Scene: Outside a large building that's up for sale. Piper pulls up in her car. She gets out and walks inside.] [Cut to inside. Rob is there looking around. Piper comes down the stairs.] Piper: Oh, god, Rob. I'm so sorry I'm late. Uh, I got stuck at this thing and then my sister needed a ride, and I'm so totally screwed on the loan now, aren't I? Rob: Don't be ridiculous. I'm just looking around, checking things out. Piper: It needs a lot of work, uh, I know that. But that's not a problem and just because the last two owners went bankrupt, doesn't mean it can't work. I've done three separate marketing studies and found a 68% interest in the target clientele. Rob: Piper... Piper: Plus, running a restaurant is very similar to running a club. Rob: You've already shown me all this. I've got it. I've got everything, except for an understanding of why you wanna put yourself in a position to fail like this. Piper: Uhh... Rob: Clubs are an extremely high risk business, Piper. You could lose your shirt. Piper: Well, it wouldn't be the first time today. Look, I know what I'm getting myself into. I know the risks and actually it's a lot less risk and a lot a less expensive than starting my own restaurant, which is what I really wanted to do. The point is, I'm tired of working for somebody else and helping them realizing their dreams. I wanna run my own place. This place. And I can do it, too. But not without your help. Rob: Well, at the risk of you never wanting to go out with me again... Congratulations. Piper: I got it? Rob: You go it Piper: Yay! (Piper hugs him and they kiss.) Rob: Hmm. Piper: Oh. (They start making out.) [Cut to Abraxas. He says another spell backwards. Jeremy appears wielding a knife.] Abraxas: Were you vanquished by the Charmed Ones? Jeremy: Yeah. Why? Abraxas: I'm giving you a second chance. [Cut back to Piper and Rob. They are still kissing.] Grams' Voice: The Power of Three. (Piper pulls away.) Piper: Did you hear that? Grams' Voice: The Power of Three. Rob: Hear what? (Piper looks around.) Piper: Grams? (Jeremy appears and knocks Rob unconscious. Piper screams and backs away.) Jeremy: You're dead, witch. (Piper freezes him.) Piper: Oh my God. Jeremy? [Cut to Prue's office. Prue's sitting at her desk. The phone rings.] Prue: Hello? Piper: Prue, thank god you're there. Jeremy... Prue: Piper, calm down... Piper: Just attacked me. Prue: Jeremy? That is impossible. We vanquished him a year ago. [Cut back to Piper.] Piper: Well, apparently he got unvanquished somehow. And since we don't have the Book of Shadows, we're gonna have to remember the spell together. I'm conferencing Phoebe. (She presses a button on the phone.) Phoebe, are you there? Phoebe: AT&T, the Power of Three. [Cut to Prue.] Prue: Okay, wait. Wasn't that it? The Power of Three will set us free. Piper: Grams... (Jeremy unfreezes.) Piper: Whoa! (She freezes him again.) Prue: What's the matter? Piper: He's... (Jeremy unfreezes and Piper freezes him again.) Piper: He's fighting through my freezes. He's adjusting or something. Phoebe: Uh, okay, put us on the speakerphone. We have to say it together. (Jeremy unfreezes.) Jeremy: (laughs) You're not getting away from me this time. (Jeremy attacks her with his dagger. She ducks and tries to get out of the way.) Piper: Whoa! Whoa! Phoebe: Piper! Piper: Hurry! Now! Hurry, now, now, now! Prue, Piper and Phoebe: "The Power of Three will set us free." (They repeat it another three times.) Prue: Piper? Phoebe: Piper? Piper: Ow. Ow. Prue: Piper? Piper: It's okay. He's gone. Again. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Building. Rob is on a stretcher. Piper is crouching down beside him.] Rob: How can you not have seen who attacked me? How is that possible? Piper: I don't know. I guess I was blocked or something and then he just sort of disappeared, you know? Rob: I'm starting to understand why this place keeps going under. Piper: Oh, no. It's not a bad crime area. Not at all. Rob: Well, it's something I'm going to be checking into. I can assure you of that. Paramedic: Excuse me, ma'am. (The paramedics carry Rob up the stairs. Prue walks past and looks at him.) Rob: Yeah, hi, how ya doin'? (Prue goes over to Piper.) Prue: Are you okay? Piper: Physically, yeah. I think my loan's on shaky ground. I couldn't exactly tell Rob, "It was just a warlock. Don't worry about it". Prue: Oh, it would be a shame if the loan didn't work out, I mean, this place is great. I used to come here. It has a lot of potential. Piper: Yeah? You think so? Prue: Mmm hmm. Piper: Care to loan me sixty grand? Prue: Hmm. Any ideas on where Jeremy came from? Piper: No, but I don't want to run into any of the other demons we've already vanquished. Prue: Well, hopefully Phoebe can find some answers in those new books of hers. Piper: I sure wish she had our book to look it at. Feels kind of lost without it. Although... Prue: Although what? Piper: It was weird but right before Jeremy appeared, I swore I heard Grams. Prue: Grams? Piper: I was positive it was her. She said "The Power of Three". And Phoebe said she heard her say it this morning. Maybe Grams was trying to warn me, warn us. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe is typing something on the laptop computer. She hears Kit meow and looks out the window. She sees Jenny sitting on the stairs holding Kit. Phoebe continues to type on her computer but changes her mind and goes outside.] [Cut to Jenny. Phoebe walks over to her and sits down.] Phoebe: Hey there. It's Jenny, right? Jenny: Yeah. Phoebe: We didn't really get to say hello before. My name is Phoebe. Phoebe Halliwell. And this is Kit the cat. Get it? Kit Kat. Little play on words. So, shouldn't you be in school? Jenny: I'm taking a week off. Phoebe: Really? Jenny: For the move, you know. Phoebe: So you're moving in with your uncle? Jenny: Well, just for the school year. Until my mom and dad come back. Phoebe: From Saudi Arabia? Jenny: My dad's with the state department. So, he gets transferred a lot. Phoebe: That sucks. So, did you ever get in touch with your mum? Jenny: It doesn't matter. Phoebe: If it matters to you, it matters. Your secret is safe with me. Jenny: Well, it's almost that time of the month, you know? And, well, I need some... Phoebe: Tampons? Jenny: Right, yeah. Phoebe: And you don't want talk to your uncle about it? Jenny: But I did. But he went out and bought sanitary napkins... Phoebe: Ugh. Jenny: Like that's gonna work. This is so embarrassing. (Phoebe looks at Kit's collar, which has the triquetra symbol hanging from it.) Jenny: So, do you think maybe you could get some for me instead? Phoebe: Uh... sure... but... a connection. Jenny: But what? (Piper pulls up in the driveway next door.) Phoebe: Uh, I'm really sorry, Jenny, but I have to go. (Phoebe picks up Kit.) Jenny: Fine. Phoebe: Look. I would love to help you out but I gotta believe that your parents wouldn't have left you with your uncle if they didn't think you could trust him at stuff like this. Ask him again. And if he still screws it up, remember, we're open 24 hours, 7 days a week, right next door, okay? (Jenny smiles. Phoebe goes back over to the manor.) Phoebe: Piper, wait up. I think I figured out how to find who the demon is. All we have to do is ask the Book of Shadows. Piper: What? Phoebe: It's been right in front of us the whole time. (She shows Kit's collar.) Piper: Kit's collar? Phoebe: No, the triquetra. The symbol of the Power of Three. Our symbol. Maybe that's what Grams has been trying to tell us. Piper: Phoebe, you're rambling. Phoebe: No, Stevie said all we would have to do is find our connection, right? That if we did, we'd be able to tap into the Power of the Equinox. Well, this has got to be it, the Triquetra. It's us. It's on the cover of the Book of Shadows. Piper: I still don't understand how can we ask the Book of Shadows for help when we don't have the book. (Phoebe pulls Piper inside.) Piper: Ugh! [Cut to inside the manor. Conservatory. Piper and Phoebe are standing in front of the spirit board.] Piper: The spirit board? Phoebe: It told us how to find the Book of Shadows, didn't it? It can do it again. All you have to do is believe. Now come on. We're stronger together. Piper: (sighs) Okay Phoebe: Come on. Okay. Close your eyes and feel it. (They touch the pointer.) Gram's Voice: The Power of Three. Phoebe: Did you hear that? Piper: Grams? (Piper looks around. The pointer moves.) Phoebe: A. Piper: B-R-A-X-A-S. Phoebe: Abraxas? (They look at each other.) [Cut to Abraxas. He turns to another spell in the Book of Shadows and starts to read it backwards.] [Cut back to the manor. Piper is sitting on the couch in the living room. Phoebe walks in, reading from a book.] Phoebe: Okay, I found it. "Abraxas - A demon of the astral plane who destroy witches by demonising their powers." Okay, but what does that have to do with the Book of Shadows? Piper: Well, that's where our powers come from, isn't it? Maybe Abraxas it turning it evil somehow. Phoebe: That would definitely undo our spells. And explain why Jeremy all of a sudden became unvanquished. Piper: And the Woogyman. Phoebe: When did the Woogyman become unvanquished? Piper: A couple of seconds ago. (Phoebe looks behind her and sees the Woogyman. They jump up.) Phoebe: Freeze it. Piper: It doesn't freeze, remember? The spell. What's the spell? Spell, spell... Phoebe: "I am light. I am one too strong to fight." I can't remember the rest. Piper: Yes you can. Okay, we can. Uh, "Return to dark, where the shadows dwell. You cannot have this Halliwell". Piper and Phoebe: "Go away and leave my sight. And take with you this endless night". (The Woogyman is vanquished.) Piper: That wasn't so hard. Phoebe: It's a good thing we were together. Piper: Abraxas must be reading the book backwards. That's how he's turning it evil. Phoebe: How do you figure? Piper: The spell to vanquish Jeremy was at the back of the book. And the spell to vanquish the Woogyman was right before that. Phoebe: Which means more are on their way. Piper: Uh-huh. Phoebe: We gotta warn Prue. Piper: Uh-huh. (They walk into the foyer and Phoebe touches a photoframe. She gets a premonition. In the premonition, Nicholas the warlock, is attacking Prue at Bucklands.) What? What happened? Phoebe: I saw the warlock Nicholas, killing Prue. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue is walking down the corridor. She stops when she sees Mrs. Milton. Prue's assistant approaches her.] Guy: Prue, your sister Phoebe's on the phone. Prue: Oh, uh, tell her that I'll call her back. Guy: She said it's important. Prue: She always says that it's important. Just tell her I'll call her back. It's okay. Thanks. (Prue goes over to Mrs. Milton.) Mrs. Milton. Mrs. Milton: Oh, hi. Prue: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Mrs. Milton: I had no idea there'd be this many people interested. You're obviously very good at your job. Prue: Actually, I think it says more your husband's collection than it does about me. How long has it been since the accident? Mrs. Milton: Eight and a half months. How long has it been for you? Prue: Not very long. (Nicholas appears out of nowhere. He spots Prue.) Nicholas. (Prue walks off. Nicholas follows her.) Mrs. Milton: Prue? [Cut to Prue's office. Prue races in. Nicholas stands at the doorway and points his ring at her.] Nicholas: You remember the feeling, don't you? (Prue falls to the floor.) Prue: "Lavender, mimosa, holy thistle, cleanse this evil from our midst scatter..." Nicholas: You're overheating. Your brain cells are frying. It's over. Prue: "Scatter its cells throughout time. Let this Nick no more exist." (Nicholas is vanquished. Prue collapses on the floor.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hospital. Prue is lying on a bed. Piper and Phoebe are standing beside her. The doctor finishes taking her blood pressure.] Doctor: Well, your blood pressure's back to normal. So is your temperature, your electrolytes. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were perfectly healthy young woman. Prue: Does that mean I can go home now? Doctor: Well, I'd like to run a few more tests. Find out what caused your body temperature to rise spontaneously like that. Has that ever happened to you before? Phoebe: It's happened to us all before. (She laughs.) Prue: Doctor, it's okay. Really. I think I know how to keep it from happening again. Doctor: All right. I'll see to your discharge papers. Prue: Thanks. (The doctor leaves and Prue gets up.) Piper: That was close. Prue: Too close. Piper: No, I don't mean her. I mean you. The paramedics said you almost died. Prue: Yeah, well, what else is new? Phoebe: We better figure out a way to get the book back from Abraxas because if we don't, we're all dead. Piper: But how? We don't know where the astral plane is. Phoebe: Yes, we do. It coexists within our own plane. Remember, that's what Stevie said. Prue: Still doesn't help to find the demon. Phoebe: Maybe, maybe not. I was thinking... You know how we always thought that nobody could take the Book of Shadows out of the house but us? Maybe nobody did. Maybe it's still in the house. Just on different plane. The astral plane. Piper: That would mean Abraxas is still in the house too. Phoebe: Right. So, we would need to find a doorway or a window to get to his like he used to get to ours and we need to do this before the end of the Equinox, by sunrise tomorrow. And then Prue can kick some astral ass with the Power of One. (Prue grabs her stuff and leaves the room. Piper and Phoebe follow.) Piper: Prue, what's the matter? Prue: Nothing. I just think that it's a long shot, that's all. Phoebe: Well, at least it's a shot. Piper: I agree, I mean, who knows how many other demons and warlocks he's let loose that we just don't know about yet. Phoebe: Or even worse. If Abraxas gets to the first page of the book before we get to him, we're toast. Prue: Why? Phoebe: Because it's the incantation that gave us our powers, remember? If Abraxas says that backwards too, then we'll lose them and the book forever. Prue: So we go back to leading normal lives again. That doesn't sound so bad. Phoebe: What? Are you joking? Prue: No, Phoebe, I'm not joking. Look, we always said that things happen to us for a reason, right? So, maybe the reason this time is to give to us an out. Piper: Prue, there's no out. Abraxas will kill us. Prue: Not if all he wants is the book. After all, that's the real power, not us. Piper: If all he wanted was the book, he wouldn't keep sending demons and warlocks after us. Prue: Yeah, well, we won't have to worry about anymore if he gets to the first page. Phoebe: What are you saying, Prue? Look, if we don't get to him, we stop being witches. Prue: Exactly. Which means we stop risking our lives all the time. Which means we stop watching the people we love lose theirs. (Prue walks away.) Phoebe: Prue... (Piper stops her from following.) Piper: Let her be. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Phoebe are there. Phoebe's sitting at the table and Piper is looking in the fridge.] Phoebe: We're screwed, you know. Piper: No, we're not. There's a window, we'll find it. Phoebe: That's not what I meant. Piper: She'll come around. Phoebe: By sunrise? You know how Prue is when she makes up her mind about something. That's it. We're screwed. Piper: And we're out of wine. (The doorbell rings.) Phoebe: I'll get it. You keep dreaming. (Phoebe gets up and walks out to the foyer. She opens he door and Dan is there, holding a bottle of wine.) Oh, hi... Dan: Dan. Phoebe: Dan, right. Dan: You're Phoebe. Jenny told me. I hope it's okay to stop by. Phoebe: Of course, uh, we were just doing some reading. Dan: Well, I just wanted to give you this. (He hands her the wine.) To say thanks. You know, for talking to Jenny. Or better yet, for getting her to talk to me. Phoebe: That's really sweet. And timely too. But it's not necessary Dan: Well, to be honest, I was sort of hoping to get something out of it. I mean, you know, for Jenny. Just in case she needs a woman to talk to again. Phoebe: Ah, of course. Any time. She seems like a great kid. So, did she tell you what the problem was? (They laugh.) Dan: Any idea what size I'm supposed to get. There's like... five. Phoebe: Uh, junior is probably a safe bet. Dan: Right. Thanks. Phoebe: Hm. (The phone rings.) Dan: Well, uh, see ya around. Phoebe: Hopefully. 'Night. Dan: 'Night. (Dan leaves. Phoebe checks out his butt as he walks away.) [Cut to the kitchen. Piper's on the phone.] Piper: No, I understand. Okay, bye. (She hangs up. Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Who was that? Piper: Rob, the banker. Or rather, his assistant. Telling me that my loan has been denied. Phoebe: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Piper: That's okay. Just wasn't meant to be, I guess. Really glad I never slept with him, though. What was I thinking? Phoebe: About Leo, maybe? Piper: Ugh. Phoebe: Wine? (She holds up the bottle of wine.) [Scene: Police station. Prue walks up to Darryl.] Darryl: Hey. Prue: Hi. Darryl: You wanna sit down? Prue: Sure. (Prue sees Andy's empty desk.) Darryl: They haven't assigned me a new partner yet since Andy died. Here. (He takes her into a room.) Prue: Listen, I'm sorry I haven't come by to see you. Darryl: Yeah, me too. I'm just glad you're here now, Prue. I've been worried about you. Prue: I'm alright. Darryl: Really? Then how come you've been avoiding me? And don't give me back that crap about being too busy ‘cause I know better. I know what you're going through, Prue. I lost him too, you know? Prue: I know. It's just been so hard, to, uh ... Darryl: What? Prue: To face you after what happened. Darryl: Now, see, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about... Prue: Darryl, um, I need to know what Andy told you about me and my sisters... about who we really are. Darryl: Just that you were involved in some of our unsolved cases, and that you somehow helped stop the killers. Prue: That's it? Nothing else? Darryl: He was my partner, Prue. I didn't need to know anything else. Prue: So, then, um... why did you cover for us when Andy died at the house? Darryl: ‘Cause he asked me to. That's why I've been trying to get a hold of you. To give you a message from him. That morning, after he saw you, Andy told me to tell you that if anything were to happen to him, that it wouldn't be your fault. He didn't want you to blame yourself. Prue: Too late. (They hug.) [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper and Phoebe are there. Piper has drawn the triquetra symbol on the wall with chalk.] Phoebe: You really think that's the window? Piper: You said yourself the triquetra's the key, our connection. And besides, we keep hearing grams say "The Power of Three". This is what that stands for. Either that or I just screwed up this wall for no reason. Phoebe: Well, even if it is the window, if Prue doesn't show up... (Prue walks in.) Prue: She'll show. Better late then never, right? Look, I know that I haven't exactly been myself lately and I know that I'm going through... something. And that I have some things to work through. But I don't wanna let you down because of it. Right now, it's not about me. It's about us. Phoebe: Attagirl, Prue. I knew you'd come around. Piper: Excuse me? Phoebe: Well, I did deep down. Piper: Are you sure you're up for this? (Prue uses her power to move a chair across the room.) Prue: I'm sure. Phoebe: Okay, so when the window opens, Prue, you'll knock Abraxas away from the Book, so Piper and I can reach in and grab it. And then, while you're holding him back... Prue: You'll find some spell to vanquish him I got it. Phoebe: Okay. (They walk towards the wall.) Piper: Okay. We have to create a circle. (They join hands.) Three, two, one. (Piper and Phoebe touch the wall and it opens up. Abraxas appears.) Phoebe: Hold on. Now, Prue, now! Abraxas: First the book, then you. Phoebe: What's the matter with you? Piper: Prue, use your power. Phoebe: Prue! (Abraxas pushes them away and they slide across the floor. The portal closes. Phoebe and Piper look angrily at Prue.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are walking down the stairs.] Piper: Prue, what happened up there? Prue: Nothing. Phoebe: Yeah, nothing is exactly the problem. Prue: I never said that I had the power to go against him. You did, remember? Phoebe: No, the Book of Shadows did. Prue: Well, maybe it was wrong. Maybe Abraxas is just too strong. Piper: Maybe, but that doesn't explain why you hesitated. Prue: I didn't hesitate. Phoebe: The hell you didn't Prue. I saw you. Piper: We both saw you. Prue: So, what are you saying? This is my fault, is that it? Because I can't defeat Abraxas? Phoebe: No, Prue, you can. You just won't. Okay, something is holding you back. Something big time and instead of facing it, you're running from it. Piper: Phoebe... Phoebe: But you can't keep running, Prue. Because you have got to figure out what your problem is, otherwise we're all dead. (Prue starts to cry.) Prue: That's right, Phoebe. It's my responsibility, isn't it? The oldest sister, always supposed to be able to figure things out. Well, if that's the case, then how come I couldn't save Andy? If I'm supposed to be so powerful, how come I couldn't save him? I mean, my god, don't you understand? Andy died because of me, it doesn't matter what he said, it was my fault. How could it be good to be witches if all it does is get the people we love killed? (She cries.) Phoebe: Oh, sweetie. Piper: Prue, it's not your fault. You tried to keep Andy from coming here that night, remember? You tried to warn him but he came anyway. He came because he wanted to. Phoebe: And there was nothing that you could have done to stop him, Prue. He chose to walk through that door, not because of who you are, honey, but because of who he was. Piper: Protector of the innocent, just like us. Prue: I just don't know if I believe in it anymore. Phoebe: Honey, we've done a lot of good as witches too. You know that. But that doesn't mean that bad things still aren't gonna happen. But just because we can't help that, doesn't mean that is our fault. Piper: Or yours. Phoebe: Come here. (They all hug.) Grams' Voice: The Power of Three. (They look around.) Phoebe: Okay, did you guys hear that? Piper: Mm-hmm. Prue: Grams? Grams' Voice: The Power of Three. Prue: How is that possible? Phoebe: I don't know but it's gotta to be a good thing if we're all hearing it. Piper: Maybe it means we're connected. Phoebe: To be as one. Maybe that's what the Book meant by the Power of One. Piper: The three of us working as one. Prue: Which is what the triquetra represents. (Phoebe looks at her watch.) Phoebe: Almost sunrise. Do you think you're ready to try the window again? Prue: Yeah, yeah, but Abraxas will be ready for us here. We have to take him by surprise, go where we're most powerful, where we're most connected. [Cut to the park. Prue, Piper and Phoebe have joined hands around a stone.] Prue, Piper and Phoebe: "Hear now the words of the witches, the secrets we hid in the night, the oldest of Gods are invoked here, the great work of magic is sought." [Cut to Abraxas undoing the spell that gave them their powers.] [Cut back to the girls.] Prue, Piper, Phoebe: "In this night, and in this hour we call upon the ancient power." [Cut back to Abraxas. The pages of the Book of Shadows turn over. He turns back to the spell and continues to read it backwards.] [Cut back to the girls.] Prue, Piper, Phoebe: "Hear now the words of the witches, the secrets we hid in the night, the oldest of Gods are invoked here, the great work of magic is sought." [Cut back to Abraxas. The Book disappears.] [Cut back to the girls. The Book drops out from the sky and lands on the rock.] Phoebe: Prue, Piper... Prue: Keep chanting. Prue, Piper, Phoebe: Hear now the words of the witches, the secrets we hid in the night..." (Abraxas appears above them) Abraxas: What are you doing? How'd you bring me here? Prue, Piper, Phoebe: "The oldest of Gods are invoked here, the great work of magic is sought. In this night, and in this hour we call upon the ancient power. In this night, and in this hour we call upon the ancient power. In this night, and in this hour we call upon the ancient power." (Abraxas is vanquished. Phoebe grabs the Book.) Phoebe: And we didn't even have to get naked. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are there. Prue places the Book of Shadows back on its stand.] Prue: That's more like it. (She flips through the Book.) Piper: I'll feel better when we erase that window. I don't want any more demons coming through it. Phoebe: They can't. It's our window, not theirs. Piper: Still, better safe than sorry. Especially if we can expect any more demons like Abraxas coming. (She goes over to the wall.) Prue: Well, apparently we can. "Rite of Passage. Fight it with the Power of one, or else... a more powerful evil that awaits will destroy you". Phoebe: Wow. I'm glad I didn't finish reading that yesterday. I might have changed my mind about not wanting to give up our powers. Prue: No, you wouldn't have. You like being a witch too much, Phoebe. And you help remind me that I like being one too. Phoebe: Hmm. Piper: Hey, me three. Too bad it doesn't pay the bills, though. Phoebe: (to Prue) Did you get it? Prue: Mm-hmm. (They happily go over to Piper.) Piper: Get what? (They hand Piper an envelope.) What's this? (She looks at it.) $60,000? Where did you get this? Prue: Home equity loan. Phoebe and I took a second out on the house. To help you buy your club. Phoebe: Actually, our club technically. Prue: Right, as long as you don't mind being partners with your sisters. Piper: Thank you! (They all hug.) Grams' Voice: The Power of Three. (They pages turn on the Book of Shadows and Grams' spirit appears.) Prue: Grams? Grams: Hello, my darlings. Oh, it's nice to see you, or rather, it's nice being seen by you. Piper: But-but-but how is this... Grams: Possible? All things are possible, my dear. It's just simply a matter of your being able to do them. Phoebe: Wait, so you're the one that keeps turning the pages in the book? Grams: Just my way of looking after you. As best I can, anyway. Don't try to understand this. You're not ready yet. But the fact that you could hear me before, can see me now, means that someday you might be. Be good to each other. I love you. (Grams disappears. The book turns to a page.) Piper: Is it just me, or is this attic getting awfully crowded lately? (They go over and look at the page.) Prue: Look. (Grams has written "Happy Anniversary, My Darlings" on the page.)
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VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... Bonnie exits through the back of the Pi Sig house, much to Dick's disgust, in 308 "Lord of the Pi's." DICK: What the hell, Bonnie? BONNIE: Another cute frat boy. What the hell? In the Food Court, Veronica assures Landry in 307 "Of Vice and Men." VERONICA: I was never gonna tell anyone about your...situation with the dean's wife. In his bedroom, Logan explains to Veronica what happened in Mexico. LOGAN: The whole motel was going up in flames. We had to get out of there. VERONICA: You didn't stick around to try to help? You didn't see if everyone was okay? Logan drops his head in shame. In the Food Court, Veronica elects to ignore Logan's call which Logan watches her do it in 308 "Lord of the Pi's." He's devastated. Elsewhere on campus, Keith and the dean speak to the "rescued" Selma Hearst Rose. SELMA: I'm on my way to vote. Fate of the Greeks in my hands and all. DEAN O'DELL: How are they faring? SELMA: Screw 'em. They're out of here. Veronica and Mac are awoken by Parker's scream in 301 "Welcome Wagon." Parker looks at her shaved head in the mirror in horror. PARKER: Someone raped me! Veronica reassures Keith in 308 "Lord of the Pi's." VERONICA: The Hearst rapist has everyone on edge. End previously. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. Music: "Right Here, Right Now" by Fatboy Slim. LYRICS: Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here The Pi Sigs are having a party. Outside the house, a stage is set up outside the back of the house. People are dancing on the stage and on the lawns, most holding white plastic cups. The place is packed as is evident as the camera swings around. It comes to a rest on the two people standing on the roof of the porch of the house. Holding a white cup and a red cup respectively, Piz and Mac are staring out at the guests. Mac is looking increasingly concerned. MAC: You seen Veronica? Piz, without ceasing his scan of the crowd, shakes his head. PIZ: Not in a while. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - NIGHT. The music gets louder as the scene shifts to Veronica, running for dear life in the corridors of Benes Hall. She hits a wall, casts a terrified look back and then races on. She reaches stairs and runs up them, sobbing. She comes to another corridor and hurries to the door of Wallace and Piz's room. She bangs on it desperately. VERONICA: Wallace, Piz, help! There's no response and she sinks down to the floor. Her nose is bloody and she has a nasty gash over her left eye. She pants and looks over at the way she came. As she turns her head back, she becomes aware of a pair of legs coming to a stop next to her. Her eyes travel slowly up the body in fear. End music: "Right Here, Right Now" by Fatboy Slim. Opening credits. LILITH HOUSE GIRLS: [singing offscreen] Na-na-na-na Hey, hey... White writing across a black screen states that it is two days earlier. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. The Lilith House girls, led by Nish, Fern and Claire, are celebrating in a one-float parade. They have created the float with a dune buggy and a trailer, with a large pink pig in a diaper at the back of the trailer. The pig wears a neck comprised of the Greek letters pi, sigma and sigma. A large poster for Lilith House is attached to the dune buggy, and one saying "Good Bye!" to the trailer. Some tipping polystyrene columns and glittering gold lengths of tinsel complete the decorations. The girls, standing in the trailer in front of the pig, are exuberant, clapping and singing "Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)." LILITH HOUSE GIRLS: [singing] Hey, goodbye Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na Hey, hey, hey, goodbye Their song continues in the background. Reactions differ from the students they pass, some giving thumbs up and some giving thumbs down and booing. Veronica watches the float pass. VERONICA VOICEOVER: If the Lilith House's mission was to protect women on campus, I'm not sure this display is doing the trick. Sure, the Board of Trustees voted to dismantle the Greek system, but there's still a rapist at large. That hasn't changed. LILITH HOUSE GIRLS: Hey, hey, hey, goodbye DICK: Sponduly! Veronica turns and looks over her shoulder at hearing Dick's shout. Dick and Logan emerge from one of the college buildings, laughing and joking around. There is some conversation too faint to hear. Veronica observes their playfulness. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ah. So the boy can still smile. Seems like a week since I've seen his teeth. She rises from her perch and walks towards them. Logan sees her and the smile fades. VERONICA: Hey, handsome. DICK: Shh. Not in front of the old man. He's the jealous type. Logan is much more quiet and serious. LOGAN: Hey. VERONICA: Hello, Dick. Veronica looks over at the float, still circling the area. VERONICA: I can't believe they got such a perfect likeness. Did you actually model for them? Logan and Dick look over at the float. DICK: Yeah, you know, that reminds me. They left out one important detail. Excusez-moi. LILITH HOUSE GIRLS: [singing] Na-na-na-na Hey, hey, hey, goodbye Dick steps up onto the low wall next to where they are standing. He drops his pants and moons the float. Veronica turns away in disgust with a gasp. DICK: [shouting] Take a picture, ladies. It'll last longer. Dick wiggles and slaps his bare bum to the cat calls of the girls. Dick pulls up his pants and jumps down. VERONICA: Great job, Dick. I'm sure you won that debate. LOGAN: Well, he's a master debater. DICK: You two kiss, hold hands, head to the soda shop for some malts. I'm out of here. Dick waits to be persuaded to stay. DICK: Okay. Don't try and stop me. Dick backs away, still hoping for an invitation that is not forthcoming. Finally, Veronica and Logan are alone. Veronica leans in towards the again serious Logan. VERONICA: You weren't outside my criminology class. She intimately takes hold of his shirt, pulling him in ready for a kiss. VERONICA: I waited. Logan shuffles uncomfortably. LOGAN: Yeah. VERONICA: Something wrong? She smiles. Logan, on the other hand, is gearing himself up. He takes a moment staring down at the ground before getting it out. He finally looks her in the eye. LOGAN: I can't do this anymore, Veronica. Veronica stares at him in disbelief. Logan looks back at the ground frequently as he continues. LOGAN: You know, I've been thinking, and, uh...this isn't working. You know, I don't think I quite measure up to the person that you want me to be and...and I just can't take feeling like a disappointment anymore. VERONICA: Logan, I don't- LOGAN: Hey, let me get this out, okay? The other thing...you told me you weren't built to let people help you. VERONICA: That's not exactly what I said. LOGAN: It's close. And you know what? I'm not built to stand on the sidelines. Veronica nods her head, her eyes glistening with tears. LOGAN: I don't know, I think we have a choice. And I think we can take a tough but survivable amount of pain now... Logan pauses, staring at her. LOGAN: Or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. Veronica lets out a deep breath. LOGAN: So, I vote for the pain now. Having expelled her breath, Veronica nods imperceptibly. Logan himself is close to tears as he looks down on her. LOGAN: But I'm always here...if you need anything. He steps forward, puts his hands on either side of her neck and kisses her on the forehead. LOGAN: [resigned] But you never need anything. Veronica can't speak. Logan looks down at her in pain and then takes a step back. He turns and hurries away. Veronica takes a breath to hold herself together. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY. Weevil is fixing the dean's television. The picture on screen of a woman addressing an audience is jerky and interrupted by static. Dean O'Dell is lounging on the small leather sofa in his office, watching him. WEEVIL: Yeah, but heavyweights weren't always a freak show, man. Ali, Frazier, those were fighters, you know? Just seems nowadays... DEAN O'DELL: All the talent's in the lower weight classes. You're so right. The average fight fan? He doesn't care. Weevil swivels the TV back into place, the picture now as it should be. WEEVIL: You should be good. You gonna test it? The dean uses the remote and flicks on a couple of channels, including one featuring Vincent Price. DEAN O'DELL: Hot damn, I'm back in business. What would I do if you ever left me? WEEVIL: Call human resources and have them send a replacement? O'Dell shrugs. WEEVIL: It's just a guess. Listen, you don't have high-def yet. I'll swing by when the receiver gets in. Page me if it goes out again. DEAN O'DELL: Thanks, Eli. As Weevil leaves the office, he passes Mindy on her way in. She sees him lounging on the couch. MINDY: Oh, hard at work, I see. DEAN O'DELL: This job is easy. To what do I owe the pleasure? MINDY: I brought you the minivan. She holds out some car keys, embellished with a furry ball. He takes them reluctantly. MINDY: You're gonna have to haul around Gram's drums tonight. Just got called up to Sacramento to meet with Helm's people. DEAN O'DELL: Can't they send Wally? MINDY: Wally's going, too. I need the Volvo keys. She holds out her hand. O'Dell digs in his pocket. DEAN O'DELL: Gonna be bored. I may be forced to speak to our children. He hands over the Volvo keys. MINDY: Oh, remind them of how things used to be. She sits down on the couch next to him. MINDY: They love that. She leans in to give him a quick kiss. The dean is more interested in something more substantive and pulls her back in for a longer one. She avoids it by presenting her cheek. MINDY: I'll be home tomorrow by noon. She pulls away, much to his disappointment and puzzlement. MINDY: Okay? You can order pizza, can't you? DEAN O'DELL: I'm sure someone will show me. Mindy chuckles. They are interrupted by a knock on the open door. Cora, the dean's (new? - what happened to Angela?) assistant, pokes her head around the door jamb. CORA: Dean O'Dell, I'm sorry for interrupting. DEAN O'DELL: What is it? Mindy takes the opportunity to extract herself from the dean's arms and exits. CORA: I have a man waiting for you who doesn't have an appointment. He won't give me his name or put out his cigar. DEAN O'DELL: Is that so? The dean gets up from the coach and goes to the door of his office. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUING. A man is sitting on the couch seen in 306 "Hi, Infidelity." He's reading a paper and puffing on a big fat cigar. He looks up at the dean, who looks a little stunned on seeing him. MEL: Cyrus, we need to talk. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY. Cut to a few moment later as an ashtray is set down in front of the man, Mel, who is settled on one of the chairs in front of O'Dell's desk. DEAN O'DELL: So, Mel, what can I help you with? Mel has a deep, gruff voice. MEL: You know what I liked best about my days here at Hearst, Cyrus? The dean shakes his head and takes a guess. DEAN O'DELL: A quality education? Mel chuckles long and loud at that. MEL: No. It was hanging out on the front porch of my frat, watching the girls go by, drinking beer. I had such a good time here at Hearst, in fact, that I've been very generous over the years. Wouldn't you say I've been generous? Mel makes it sound like a threat and O'Dell nods haplessly with furrowed brow. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. A plate of pasta with a piece of garlic bread on the side is served up to Veronica. SERVER: Here you go. Veronica takes it unenthusiastically. She is in the queue with Mac and Wallace next to her. They watch with concern as Veronica stares listlessly down at her food. Veronica doesn't move. Mac glances at Wallace, then back at Veronica. MAC: Veronica? Veronica looks up, as if coming out of a trance. VERONICA: I'm fine. Mac and Wallace speak simultaneously. MAC: I know. We know. But it's okay if you're not. WALLACE: Nobody said you weren't. You're Veronica Mars. Veronica hurries to reassure them. VERONICA: I'm fine, seriously. I just told the two of you 'cause I figured you should know. I'm not looking for a pity party. WALLACE: That's good. I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons. MAC: Is there anything that we can do for you? VERONICA: Nope. I...we're done with this topic. I just shared some info. Moving on. Veronica's smile doesn't reach her eyes. The three of them are joined by Piz who joins the end of the line. PIZ: Hey, gang. What's the word? Is it "avuncular"? All three stare at him. Piz is oblivious to the mood. PIZ: No? Just a shot in the dark. Hey, set your dials to K-Ruff tonight. I mean, we're already moving on as to what to do with the whole Greek Row ghost town next semester. He laughs. PIZ: I got this one guy coming on the show - wants to turn it into an ROTC training battlefield. Quality radio, people. Veronica is staring at the floor whilst the other two continue to stare at him as if he was from outer space. Piz's smile finally starts to fade in his confusion. PIZ: What? INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. Keith finishes pouring two cups of coffee in the small kitchenette. O'Dell is standing at the door to the kitchenette. KEITH: You say your wife doesn't kiss you like she used to? DEAN O'DELL: I know how it sounds, Keith. Keith hands one of the cups to the dean. KEITH: How long you been married? DEAN O'DELL: Six years. Keith moves out of the kitchenette, but O'Dell stays by the door, so Keith leans the other side of the door frame to face him. KEITH: Simply sounds normal, Cyrus. I'm sure everything's fine. O'Dell takes a swig from his "Life Ain't Fair" mug. DEAN O'DELL: Still, I'd like to be able to shake this feeling. She's on the 4:30 to Sacramento. She is, as she usually is, travelling with her associate, Wally Wernkey. He's handsome, he's a bit more age-appropriate for my wife, and I've seen him wipe Ranch dressing from her chin at a faculty function. Keith nods sagely. The dean is a little desperate. DEAN O'DELL: Will you take the case, Keith? Keith sighs. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Keith is at the kitchen counter, writing a note to Veronica on a post-it, when he hears her enter the apartment. He doesn't look up. KEITH: Hey, there you are. Veronica sees his bag on the counter. VERONICA: Going somewhere? Keith does Charlie Chan, which slightly startles Veronica. KEITH: Oh, very good, number-one daughter. You might make a detective yet. He glances at her as she slouches against the counter. KEITH: I'm off to Sacramento. Husband thinks his wife is fooling around in capital city. Here's my hotel information. He passes over the post-it, sticking it on the counter in front of her. Veronica nods. He has picked up her mood and looks at her with concern. KEITH: You all right, honey? VERONICA: Logan and I broke up. KEITH: I'm sorry to hear that. Are you okay? Veronica nods. KEITH: I can put off this assignment. VERONICA: No, you go. I'm fine. Just kind of unexpected. KEITH: You sure? Keith rubs her back. Veronica nods again and speaks softly. VERONICA: Go. Keith leans forward and kisses her on the forehead. He takes another look at her before walking around her and grabbing his bag. He looks back at her. She's staring into space. He pauses with his hand on the door. KEITH: Honey? Veronica turns to him with a smile. VERONICA: [firmly] Go. A little reluctant, Keith goes out the cut. Cut to later as Veronica steps into the shower. She takes a deep breath and turns to wet her hair. She turns back and is finally losing her composure. She starts to cry. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, RADIO STATION - NIGHT. The Food Court outside the station as seen through the large window is in full operation. Piz has a couple of guests - a conservatively dressed girl and a boy in combat gear. PIZ: We're back and we're talking about Greek Row. Jennifer? JENNIFER: Dean O'Dell refused to even read our proposal to turn one of the deserted Greek houses into a residence for devoutly Christian students. Had I been lobbying on behalf of the African American students or gay students, would I have been dismissed out of hand like that? No way. PIZ: Uh...as always, we have an empty chair here for Dean O'Dell, should he ever accept We Were Just Talking's standing invitation to join us on-air and defend himself. Piz points to his other guest. PIZ: Lieutenant McGee, you have a radical plan for what should become of the Greek houses. They all turn around at the sound of the door to the studio opening. Dean O'Dell strides in. He points to the broadcast table and paraphernalia. DEAN O'DELL: Which one of these is mine? Piz, somewhat surprised, indicates the empty chair next to him. PIZ: T-take that one. As the dean clears his throat, Piz gestures to his engineer to switch on the dean's microphone before returning to the broadcast. He claps. PIZ: And like magic, we have our illustrious dean here with us. Dean O'Dell, What do you got for us? DEAN O'DELL: I felt it was imperative to get this news out as quickly as possible to the student body. It was recently discovered that one of our Board of Trustees members who voted to abolish the Greek system at Hearst owns property currently leased by several of the Greek houses. Due to this conflict of interest, his vote has been nullified. A few people in the Food Court are starting to take an interest and gather at the window. DEAN O'DELL: Hearst Charter dictates that the dean of the university is allowed to cast the, uh, dissenting vote in just such an occurrence, and I voted to retain the Greek system. A couple of boys sitting at one of the tables stands and cheers. One of the girls gathered at the window does a disgusted "What?" Behind her, the boys high-five. DEAN O'DELL: Thank you for your time. That is all. The dean stands and exits as quickly as he arrived. Piz's guests are disappointed. PIZ: Uh, all righty, then. The Greeks are back. Let's go to the phones. There are a few lines flashing on the telephone in front of Piz. He selects the first. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Music: unidentified. It's the turn of the Pi Sigs to celebrate. Being too lazy/pissed/uncreative to make a float, they simply ride around in an SUV with big wheels. A few frat brothers, including a shirtless Dick, stand on the back seat, appearing through the sun roof. They whoop and cheer as they drive slowly around the campus. DICK: Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! What's up, girls? Ha-ha! Like the Liliths before them, they garner differing reactions from the students they pass. End music unidentified. Music: "Have You Never Been Mellow" by Olivia Newton-John. LYRICS: Have you never been mellow? Have you never tried- The dean is also driving through the campus, listening to his choice of music on the radio/CD player. He peers in astonishment at the sight of the Pi Sigs. End music: "Have You Never Been Mellow" by Olivia Newton-John. Music: Unidentified. Outside, Dick continues to cheer. DICK: Yeah! Whoo! The SUV slowly passes the dean as he stares up at them. End music unidentified. Music: "Have You Never Been Mellow" by Olivia Newton-John. LYRICS: Have you never been happy Just to hear your song? Have you never let someone else be strong? Running around as you do with your head up in the clouds The dean shakes his head and then carries on. He slows as he sees two small groups of girls hanging around the entrance to the parking area. They stare at him as he passes the first group. In front of him, Fern emerges from behind a parked van. She walks into the road, blocking his path. In the empty parking space beside the van is another, larger group of girls waiting. Dean O'Dell stops the car and stares at Nancy. He jerks back when an egg hits the windshield. It signals all the other girls to throw eggs and attack the car, rocking it in place, shouting as they do. ANGRY GIRLS: Rapist! Traitor! Pig! You're gonna pay for what you did to us! End music: "Have You Never Been Mellow" by Olivia Newton-John. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY. The dean, clearly flustered by events, bursts through the door from the corridor, heading for the inner sanctum of his office. DEAN O'DELL: Get me a roster of all the women of Lilith House. CORA: You have a guest. O'Dell pauses and turns to face his assistant, seeing as he does Keith sitting in a chair in the corner behind her. CORA: I told him that without an appointment- DEAN O'DELL: Keith, come right in. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - CONTINUING. Keith follows O'Dell into the inner office. DEAN O'DELL: Have a seat. KEITH: Thanks. Both men take their seats. Keith gets out a notebook. DEAN O'DELL: So...what you got? KEITH: Only good news. You have nothing to worry about except, perhaps, your apparent lack of gaydar. DEAN O'DELL: I don't know what that is. KEITH: Wally Wernkey's gay. O'Dell leans back in his chair, surprised. KEITH: Your wife spent the night in her room alone, and Wally, on the other hand, visited, in succession... Keith reads off his notebook. KEITH: The Boathouse, Oilcan Harry's, and Taboo. DEAN O'DELL: Let's both just forget that I ever doubted my wife. KEITH: [whispering] Consider it forgotten. Cora knocks on the door on her way in, carrying a newspaper. CORA: You need to see this. I circled it. She hands it to O'Dell. DEAN O'DELL: What is it? CORA: It's a classified ad warning the student body to stay away from the Pi Sig party. The newspaper is opened in the classified. As well as the circled announcement, there are ads for jobs (including one for Trixie Showgirls on the promise of "money your parents don't need to know about," and for someone who might "Know fish? We can't see to keep...friends alive for long enough to enjoy. Maybe we're doing something wrong but we've tried everything"), for places to rent (for example, for a newly refurnished condo where students can "Study in style"), and for services ("Bills dragging you down? Don't let them take you to Depressionville, our Personal and Business financial assistants will help you find you way out of the mired fields of debt you've accumulated. Call Kevin or Patricia today with your problems. We'll help them disappear."). The dean reads the circled ad aloud. DEAN O'DELL: "I'll choose my next victim at the Pi Sig party tomorrow night. You've been warned." O'Dell looks up at a troubled Keith. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica, now sporting a fringe, strides down one of the pathways, passing a Take-Back-the-Night table. Parker is working at the far end of it and calls out to her. PARKER: Veronica? Hey, come here. Cut to a few moments later. Veronica is holding up the same paper, reading the same ad. She drops the paper, appalled. VERONICA: "I'll choose my next victim at the Pi Sig party"? Parker shakes her head. PARKER: The rapist is getting cocky. VERONICA: Yeah, or Nish just wants to scare girls away from the frat blow-out. PARKER: If that was the plan, I don't think it's working. We probably had a hundred girls stop by and pick up these. Parker holds out a coaster. Veronica takes it and stares at it. VERONICA: Coasters? PARKER: Special coasters. You pour a drop of your drink on them, and they'll turn red if there's any GHB or Rohypnol in it. VERONICA: You mind if I take a bunch of these? PARKER: Planning on tying one on? You can test ten drinks on one card. VERONICA: I suddenly find myself with free time and in need of a project. Parker reaches down to pick something else up from the table. PARKER: You do get one of these, as well. She holds it out for Veronica to take. PARKER: A rape whistle, just in case. VERONICA: You actually think people would come a-running, huh? Parker shrugs. VERONICA: You have more faith in mankind than I do, my friend. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY. Veronica is sitting in front of the dean's desk. He is holding the coaster. DEAN O'DELL: What's it do? VERONICA: It turns red if there's a date-rape drug in the drink. You should require the Pi Sigs make them available at the party. DEAN O'DELL: I think I will. O'Dell shouts out. DEAN O'DELL: Cora, track down Chip Diller for me. VERONICA: I poked around at the newspaper office. No explanation on how the ad made it into the paper. They think it was changed at the printer's. DEAN O'DELL: You're a credit to the college, my dear. VERONICA: Well, aren't you warm and cuddly for being the most reviled man on campus? DEAN O'DELL: My life doesn't begin and end at the university. My wife's getting back from Sacramento today, and I've got something special planned. Veronica immediately gets the significance. VERONICA: Sacramento? INT - HEARST COLLEGE, CRIMINOLOGY LECTURE ROOM - DAY. Veronica pulls back her hair as she watches and listens to Landry, pacing at the front of the room under a slide projection of a close-up fingerprint. LANDRY: What an enlightening weekend I had. You learn a lot about people when you read their "Plan a Perfect Murder" papers. I must say, I'm a little frightened to appear before you today, and it's not just that a good half-dozen of you offed me. He looks down at one of his students in the second row. LANDRY: A chain saw, Biggles? Really? Biggles shrugs. LANDRY: Let's see. We got rid of a full score of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends, the local sheriff bit the dust... Veronica's expression reveals the author of that particular paper. LANDRY: And several of you decided to turn yourselves into only children. As to how perfect your perfect murders were, eh, the results fell pretty naturally into a bell curve. Didn't even have to adjust. Tim Foyle is in the process of handing out the graded papers. He hand Veronica hers. She got an A. There's an additional note on the front: "See Me, Tim." LANDRY: I will be posting the three A papers on the class website so you can see examples of what I am looking for. Timothy stands over her long enough for her to acknowledge the request with a rueful expression. LANDRY: For those of you who got A's, congratulations. You can get away with murder. Veronica smiles. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOYLE'S OFFICE - DAY. Veronica knocks on the door of Tim's darkened office and pokes her head around. VERONICA: Tim? He is not there. Veronica steps in anyway and walks over to the board that contained all the rape material her last visit. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Okay, but you should know, if you're gonna make me wait, I'm gonna pore over your creepy rape-investigation board. Added to what was seen in 306 "Hi, Infidelity" is a picture of the current (?) Pi Sigs - forty-one of them. A few of the pictures are circled. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What's this? Dick, Chip Diller, and what's his face? Behind her, Tim enters the office and sees her. TIM: Can I help you find something? VERONICA: What's with the circled Pi Sigs? Are you onto something? TIM: Did I miss something? Are we working together now? Are we Starsky and Butch? VERONICA: Cagney and Pastey. TIM: I think I'll keep my findings to myself. Tim heads for his desk. TIM: When I solve it, I want Dr. Landry to know where credit's due. VERONICA: And here I thought we were trying to protect girls. TIM: Huh. Then you want to share your working theories with me? Veronica doesn't respond. TIM: Excellent. Now, about your paper, I-I wanted to give you the opportunity to fix some of these syntax and book marking errors before I post it online. Steps are heard behind Veronica and Tim looks up and smiles. TIM: Ah, Veronica, have you met my girlfriend? Veronica turns and sees Bonnie Capistrano whom she last saw leaving the Pi Sig house after sleeping with Dick and another Pi Sig frat brother. Bonnie steps towards in a friendly manner. BONNIE: Hi. Bonnie looks at her quizzically. BONNIE: Have we met? Veronica takes a moment before sparing them all the scene. VERONICA: I don't think so. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica is at the kitchen counter, having soup and contemplating events. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So Tim Foyle's girlfriend likes Dick and sundry other Pi Sigs. So what, if anything, does that mean? Keith enters the apartment. He looks at the soup and grimaces. KEITH: Soup? You know how I feel about soup. It's a side dish. VERONICA: There's a meat loaf in the oven. KEITH: Now we're talking. Keith heads for the oven. VERONICA: Dad, you know that case you took up in Sacramento? KEITH: Yeah. False alarm. I got to deliver good news for once. Keith gets his meatloaf out of the office. VERONICA: Dean O'Dell's wife is cheating on him with Dr. Landry, my criminology professor. Keith stares at her unhappily. KEITH: And how'd you- VERONICA: I dropped by his office. He told me his wife just got in from Sacramento. Two and two. KEITH: And how'd you- VERONICA: I saw the two of them together at the Neptune Grand. He checks in under the pseudonym Rory Finch. You should double-check, but I'm certain it's true. Are you gonna tell him? KEITH: You know the rules, honey. I have to. Keith is saddened by this turn of events and is clearly not looking forward to what he has to do. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Moe, arms folded across his body, is staring down at Wallace and Piz, sitting side by side with Wallace on his desk chair and Piz on the end of Wallace's bed. MOE: I don't exactly know how to put this. It's the sort of thing that makes me hate being a resident advisor, but I have to ask. Someone has been leaving a surprise in the third stall every day for the past two weeks. Wallace glances at Piz and smirks. Piz looks back at Wallace, hardly believing what he is hearing. He puts on a straight face. MOE: This person apparently never learned how to flush, and it's my amateur medical opinion that he's also suffering from what must be a terminal disease. So? WALLACE: Not guilty, man. Piz is thinking very hard. PIZ: Third stall stage right or stage left? Wallace laughs as Moe takes the question seriously, working it out with his fingers. MOE: Stage right. PIZ: Yeah, not guilty, either. Veronica arrives in the room, her thumbs tucked in her belt. VERONICA: Howdy, boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blow-out? Beer and ladies and music and other stuff guys like, I'm sure. Veronica is getting no response and tries harder, much to the amusement of Wallace and Piz, and the bemusement of Moe. VERONICA: Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry, televised sports, pornography. Nothing? None of this grabs you? PIZ: We were already planning on going. WALLACE: I think everybody at Hearst is gonna be there. VERONICA: Awesome. Then you can help me out. WALLACE: Suddenly it sounds like a lot less fun. Veronica points at Moe. VERONICA: What about you? Moe, are you going? MOE: Sort of. I'm driving the Take-Back-the-Night cart for the early shift. Veronica holds out her hand. VERONICA: Give me your phone. Moe does so without hesitation, pulling it from his pocket. Veronica punches some buttons. VERONICA: Here's my number. Call me if you pick up any girls who are beyond drunk or shady guys lurking around. MOE: Sure. VERONICA: Excellent. Meet you boys out front, nine sharp. I really appreciate it. Veronica spins around and prances out. Piz stares after her, confused, as Wallace, the experienced campaigner, looks up at the ceiling. PIZ: What are we doing? Wallace shakes his head. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S DORM ROOM - DAY. Mac is sitting cross-legged on her bed, staring up at Veronica in disbelief. MAC: Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Veronica nods. MAC: Hump the furniture, party back to the Stone Age, fifty-keg bacchanalia? Veronica smiles brightly. VERONICA: Sounds fun, right? MAC: Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my p0rn star tube top. VERONICA: Please, Mac. I could really use the help. Mac continues to frown, seemingly implacable. Veronica sighs and sinks to her knees. She smacks her hands together in prayer and gives Mac her puppy-dog stare. Mac stares back for a moment. MAC: [resigned]Resistance is futile. Veronica grins. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE - NIGHT. O'Dell exits his own office. Cora is at work by her desk. DEAN O'DELL: Thanks for coming in on a Saturday, Cora. Here's to a better week next week. CORA: Night, Cyrus. O'Dell goes out to the corridor. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. He starts walking down the corridor but comes to a halt when he sees Keith. From his face, the dean knows what is coming. Keith looks at him sympathetically. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT. Cut to a little later. The dean, in a state of shock is sitting at his desk. Keith is standing in front of the desk, pointing at various parts of papers laid out in front of O'Dell. KEITH: I've highlighted the cell phone calls they've made to each other, as well as the numerous charges made to Professor Landry at the Neptune Grand. O'Dell nods. He swallows hard. KEITH: He always checked in under the pseudonym Rory Finch and paid cash for the room but charged drinks at the bar and dinner at the restaurant. Those dates mean anything to you? DEAN O'DELL: If I recall correctly, these coincide with the nights of Mindy's junior league meetings. O'Dell's voice quivers and when he picks up the papers, his hands are shaking violently. Keith looks close to tears for the man. He swallows. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. Music: unidentified The party has started and there is a large crowd already outside the front of the house, queuing to get in. Veronica and her troops are next in line. They are about to face the frat brother at the door - Drew Barndale, last seen having his drink thrown over him by Veronica in 216 "The Rapes of Graff." Drew spots Veronica and is not thrilled to see her, but he carries on dealing with others while Veronica gives out her orders. VERONICA: So, here's the plan. She hands Piz a stack of coasters which he splits between himself and Wallace. Veronica hands more to Mac. VERONICA: Do your own thing at the party, but if you see a girl who looks out of it, sneak up to her drink, dip the coaster in, see if it turns red. If it does, the drink is dosed. WALLACE: If you see a really cute girl and you want to dance with her? VERONICA: Dance. Just know that your libido caused some girl to get raped. WALLACE: That kinda takes the fun out of it. VERONICA: Hey, it's your life. WALLACE: Since when? VERONICA: See? Veronica gets something out of her bag. VERONICA: You give me a hard time, I'm less enthusiastic about giving you the little "thanks for helping" presents I made for everybody this afternoon. Veronica holds out three ID cards. VERONICA: Congratulations. You're all twenty-one. Wallace laughs. Mac is awed. PIZ: I can buy myself a beer cup. Veronica turns to the small table by the front door at which Drew is sitting. On the table are stacks of large plastic cups, some white, some red, a cashbox, and a box of wrist tags. There's a sign by the table: "If under 21 $5.00 Red Soda Cup. 21 + Up $10.00 White Beer Cup. Drew looks up at Veronica and her party. Seeing who it is, Veronica's eyes turn heavenward. DREW: Looky here. My favourite drink tosser. I'm so happy you came to Hearst. WALLACE: Seriously, does anyone like you? Drew puts her money in the cashbox and goes into his spiel. DREW: IDs out. Show them to our friend from the Hearst police department. Veronica, Wallace and Piz all show their fake IDs to a person standing at the door. Drew holds up a white cup. DREW: Beer cups are ten bucks. He holds up a red cup in his other hand. DREW: Soda cups are five. Everyone must purchase one or the other. Piz hands over his money for a white cup. Drew passes him a wrist tag and his white cup, together with a pen. DREW: Right wrist. Print your name legibly on this cup. Use only this cup. Do not share that cup with a minor. In the meantime, Veronica has picked up the coasters available on the table. She checks them. Mac passes over $5.00. MAC: I'll take a soda cup. Drew hands her a red cup and label. She notices Piz staring at her in horror. MAC: Like I'm gonna drink in there. Veronica holds out one of the Pi Sig coasters. VERONICA: These are your rape-testing coasters? This is what you're handing out? DREW: Yeah. Don't get raped. VERONICA: Where's Chip Diller? Drew points to inside the house. Veronica spins around and marches in. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - CONTINUING. End music: unidentified. It's packed inside. The music is mixed as the sounds of what is playing out front and out back (the Diamond Smugglers playing live) mix. Most people are drinking from white cups. Veronica threads her way through the crowd before finding Chip in a corner, talking to a girl. He is still sporting a very short haircut. VERONICA: Chip? He's not thrilled to see Veronica. She holds up one of the Pi Sig coasters which is blank on one side. VERONICA: I want you to take a look at these coasters and see if you can spot the difference. Item one - printed on two sides with the name of the drug-testing manufacturer on it, distributed at the Take-Back-the-Night booth. Item two - printed on one side, handed out at the Pi Sig party. One tests for date-rape drugs. My guess? The other tests to see whether drinks are wet. CHIP: You don't know that. Find me a laced drink, and let's see if it works. Go on, go on. Find one. He checks his watch. CHIP: I'll time you. Veronica sneers and drops the real coaster she is holding into his companion's drink. VERONICA: There you go, Bambi. If it turns red, he's trying to rape you. If it doesn't, he still might be trying to rape you. How do you live with yourself? Chip smirks. CHIP: Oh, it's a struggle, but I manage. With an expression of disgust, Veronica walks away. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. On the stage set up in the back garden, the Diamond Smugglers, a Neil Diamond tribute band, are playing live, doing their rendition of "Sweet Caroline." Behind them, huge and made out of crushed beer cans, are the Greek letters of the fraternity. The crowd are having a great time. Wallace and Piz are elevated above them, surveying the people. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Hands, touchin' hands Reachin' out, touchin' me, touchin' you Sweet Caroline Good times never seemed so good PIZ: You know, when you think about it, it's not so different from going to a party normally, except instead of trying to avoid the girl that's gonna puke in your car- Wallace points at a couple in the crowd. WALLACE: Look. Drunk girl, ten o'clock. The girl has her arm up on the shoulders of a much taller boy. She's holding her white cup but otherwise looks out of it, the boy keeping her up as they slow dance. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: And I've been inclined Piz suddenly appears before the couple, dancing. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: To believe they never would Piz points at them, getting the guy's attention. He goes into a unique dance, keeping him distracted as Wallace appears behind them and dunks a piece of the coaster into the girl's cup. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Oh, no, but look at the night He looks at it for a moment, then up at Piz, whose dance is getting more and more bizarre. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: It don't seem so lonely We fill it up with only two Piz spots Wallace in desperation. Wallace finally shakes his head and gestures at his throat, indicating that Piz can stop. Piz finishes on a bow. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - CONTINUING. Back in the house, Dick is sitting on one of the couches. Bonnie is sitting in his lap. Veronica sees them and heads over to them. Dick says something that amuses Bonnie and she giggles and taps his nose. BONNIE: You're so cute. Before they are even aware that she is there, Veronica dips a piece of coaster in her drink rapidly before sitting on the arm of the couch. VERONICA: Hi, Bonnie. So, where's your boyfriend tonight? BONNIE: Do you see a ring? DICK: Hey, Veronica. Where's your boyfriend tonight? Oh, wait, I'm so sorry. You don't have one anymore. Bummer. VERONICA: Man, when I look at the two of you, all I see are a couple of Petri dishes. My advice? Use protection, lots and lots of protection. Veronica leaves. Bonnie nods happily, not sensing the sarcasm. Dick leans in and they start to kiss. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. Back outside, the Diamond Smugglers have moved onto "Thank the Lord for the Night Time." DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Daytime turns me off I don't mean maybe Mac is standing, watching them, her face dour. She has her red cup in her hand and "Ask me about my STD" on her t-shirt. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Nine to five ain't takin' me where I'm bound A guy comes upon Mac and makes no disguise of looking her up and down. Mac senses his presence without enthusiasm. RICO: Hey, there. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: When it's done, I run out to see my lady He grins. Mac's expression doesn't change. He presses on regardless. RICO: Hey, there. You have an STD. He laughs. RICO: Classic. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: We get groovin' when the sun goes down RICO: You are one major minor, you know that? Mac raises her eyebrows. Rico pulls out a flask. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Thank the Lord for the night time To forget the day RICO: Want me to slip a little whiskey in that cola of yours? DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: No more uptight time 'Cause I chase it away MAC: Sure. Mac holds out her cup and Rico pours whiskey from the flask into it. He then takes a swig. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: I get relaxation More time to groove Mac dips in a piece of coaster and holds it up to examine. Rico is bemused. Satisfied that it isn't drugged, Mac pours the contents of her cup out behind her. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Thank the Lord for the night time I thank the Lord for you MAC: Thanks. Mac smiles and returns to watching the band. Rico is taken aback. He watches the band for a moment then raises his flask to Mac before hurrying away, defeated. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT. Dean O'Dell pours the last of a bottle into a glass. DEAN O'DELL: What makes a man do it, Keith - sleep with another man's wife? Is there no honour left? He's moved over to the small couch, with Keith on one of the chairs to face it. Keith frowns, hardly in a position to be too damning. KEITH: Less than there should be, I'm afraid. He makes a quick, rueful grin. O'Dell tries to get up with the empty bottle but falls back onto the couch. DEAN O'DELL: Whoa. Ow. KEITH: Can I help you with something, Cyrus? DEAN O'DELL: A refill. It seemed a much shorter distance earlier. Keith takes the glass. KEITH: What's the rest of your evening entail? DEAN O'DELL: Passing out on this couch. KEITH: All right, then. Keith gets up and takes the glass over to a side table. DEAN O'DELL: They warned me, Keith. "She's much too young for you." Keith picks up a bottle. O'Dell gasps. DEAN O'DELL: Keith, no! He sighs in relief having stopped Keith from cracking open the bottle. DEAN O'DELL: Do you know what you're holding? Keith looks down at the bottle. KEITH: A bottle of scotch. DEAN O'DELL: That's a forty-year-old bottle of Glen Cracken. One of the chief joys of my existence is the anticipation of tasting the contents of that bottle. But for tonight, I'm just getting drunk. Pour me the swill. Smiling, Keith replaces the bottle and picks up another one. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. The band is still on "Thank the Lord for the Night Time." Wallace and Piz make their way through the crowd. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: It seems like just one time I'm feelin' cool They tap a girl who is dancing on the shoulder. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Thank the lord for the night time When I forget the day She turns to face them. JANIA: Yeah? WALLACE: Ah, is that your friend? Wallace points down and the camera follows his gaze, revealing another girl lying on the ground, unconscious. She glances down. JANIA: So? PIZ: You think she's okay? JANIA: We called the Safe-Ride-Home people already. She points behind them. JANIA: Look, there they are. Happy? DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Thank the Lord for the night time Thank the Lord for you Moe is making his way through the crowd. He is followed by Fern. MOE: Hey, guys. Mind helping us out with this one? PIZ: Yeah, no sweat. We got it. Here. Piz goes to hand Moe his cup but in the meantime Fern has bent down, picked the girl up and slung her over her shoulder. She glares as Wallace and Piz. FERN: Nice way to take care of your friend. Wallace and Piz are too stunned to protest and Fern carries the girl off. MOE: Don't mind her. Moe rolls his eyes. MOE: She's always like that. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS: Thank the Lord for the night time Yeah, yeah, yeah. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT. The dean is now lying on the sofa. Keith is slipping on his jacket, gazing at him with some concern. KEITH: Sure I can't give you a ride home? DEAN O'DELL: What's the point? My wife has a junior league meeting tonight. Ha! I'll just sleep here. He snuggles into the couch looking for all the world as if he is about to go to sleep. Keith leaves. O'Dell instantly becomes more alert, checking that Keith has left the outer office. Once satisfied, O'Dell goes to his desk. He opens one of his drawers and gets some keys. He unlocks a lower drawer and pulls out a revolver. He spins the chamber. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. Music: unidentified. Veronica comes down the stairs, still actively looking for potential victims. She pauses when she sees Tim Foyle enter the fraternity. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Tim Foyle? Here? This can't be good. Tim enters the lounge and sees Bonnie and Dick. He races over to them. TIM: That's it, Bonnie. I've had enough! He screams this and accompanies it with a grand gesture. Veronica, who has followed him in, pauses at the door, observing. TIM: I've known about all of them. I've known about every knuckle-dragging frat boy you've given a free ride, but guess what. I wasn't sitting back and taking it. Not at all! For every guy you were with, I was with someone new myself. Did you think I didn't know? I know everything! End music: unidentified. It's quite a performance and Tim has succeeded in gaining the attention of everyone within hearing distance. He looks around and then storms off. Veronica sets off to follow him, passing a barely fazed Bonnie and a barely conscious Dick on the way. BONNIE: Looks like I'm single. As Veronica rounds the corner, she freezes. Logan is chatting to a blonde girl. Mercer is next to him, talking to a brunette. BLONDE: You do? LOGAN: So, what? Did you mother give that to you or something? BLONDE: What? Yeah. BRUNETTE: Yeah, I saw that one, too. So good. Logan looks up and sees Veronica. They stare at each other across the room. The two girls bid farewell to the hot guys. BLONDE: I'll see you later. BRUNETTE: What? Okay. Bye. They leave and Veronica walks forward to stand in front of Mercer and Logan, having eyes only for the latter as he does for her. MERCER: Hey, Veronica. VERONICA: Hey. LOGAN: Hey. Mercer looks from one to the other and quickly forms the opinion that he is de trop. MERCER: Okay. You two have fun. Mercer makes to leave. VERONICA: You don't have to go, Mercer. I'm just saying hi. MERCER: Be that as it may, they're turning my show on after the band. Hope you brought your dancin' shoes. Mercer makes a sharp exit as Veronica and Logan continue to stare at each other. LOGAN: Well, let me guess. You're here because of the investigation. VERONICA: I am what I am. Any further discourse is interrupted when Wallace and Piz race over to them. Piz is holding out a piece of coaster. WALLACE: Hey! PIZ: We got a positive. LOGAN: A positive what? WALLACE: This cup was dosed with a date-rape drug. It belongs to some... Wallace checks the white cup he is holding. WALLACE: Kim Kaiser. VERONICA: So where's Kim Kaiser? PIZ: We asked around. N-no one's seen her, but we found someone who knows where she lives. She's off campus by the marina, uh, the Harbour View Apartments. VERONICA: All four girls were raped in their own rooms. We've got to get there. I parked on campus and walked. Who's got the closest car? LOGAN: I do, but you're staying here. I'll go. VERONICA: If you think- LOGAN: Veronica, please! Let me do this part. Veronica still has doubts but concedes. VERONICA: Okay, go. Be careful. WALLACE: I'll go with you. Wallace jerks his head and leads Logan out. Veronica shouts after them. VERONICA: Get her out of her apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. Outside, the music is climaxing as the Diamond Smugglers are finishing their set. Veronica and Piz race through the cheering crowd to get to the stage. The music ends and the lead singer talks to the crowd. DIAMOND SMUGGLERS LEAD SINGER: That's all for us tonight, people. Club Flush is up next. Without any hesitation or apology, Veronica barges up and takes over the microphone. The lead singer backs away with his hands up. VERONICA: Hi, uh, we're looking for Kim Kaiser. We think she's been given a date-rape drug. If you've seen her or you're friends with her, please come find me. I'll be right in front of the stage. Veronica leaves the mic to take her place at the front of the stage. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL - NIGHT. Professor Landry is lounging back in a bed, naked and sated. He's watching someone and groans. LANDRY: Don't go. Mindy, dressed and at the mirror, putting on her earring, smiles. LANDRY: I've got crème brûlée arriving any second. She finishes with her earring and adjusts her hair. MINDY: You know, maybe someday we'll have s*x and you won't be stoned. I swear I'm having an affair with Annie Hall. Landry chuckles and Mindy laughs, turning to view him directly, rather than through the mirror. She walks over to the bed, bends down and gives him a long kiss. It is interrupted by a knock at the door. Mindy glances at it, strokes Landry under the chin, and then goes to answer the door. It is her husband. She gasps in shock. DEAN O'DELL: Mind if I come in? He doesn't wait for an answer, pushing past Mindy. Landry sees who it is and bolts upright in the bed. Mindy watches O'Dell, her breathing quickened. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, PI SIG FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. Music: unidentified. Veronica is standing on the stage, at the front still keeping a watchful eye on events in the crowd. A girl comes up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. KIM'S FRIEND: Are you the girl looking for Kim? Because Kim didn't come to the party. VERONICA: I saw her drink cup. KIM'S FRIEND: She lent her ID to her little sister, Carrie. VERONICA: Where's Carrie? KIM'S FRIEND: She wasn't feeling good. She was walking back to her room. VERONICA: Which dorm? KIM'S FRIEND: Benes Hall. You think she's all right? Veronica is already on the move. She jumps down from the stage just as Mercer's voice rings out. MERCER: Line one. You're first caller. What do you want to hear? End music: unidentified. Mercer's last sentence is warped, as the tape stretches. CALLER: Yeah, man, you got any Chicks on Speed? MERCER: Always, my friend, always. Music: unidentified by Chicks on Speed. LYRICS: Ow-ow-ow Ow-ow-ow Veronica looks back at the side of the stage, realising four things simultaneously: Mercer's phone-in request show can be taped, she is listening to a taped version, Mercer isn't there and Mercer is the rapist. She hurries away. End music: unidentified by Chicks on Speed. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - NIGHT. Sacks is taking point, working at Inga's station. A nervous deputy approaches him. ROOKIE DEPUTY: We just got a call, said a bomb was gonna go off at one of the residential halls up at Hearst. Sacks scoffs. ROOKIE DEPUTY: Should we evacuate it? SACKS: It's nothing. Happens all the time around finals. Let the Hearst police handle it. It's their jurisdiction. The deputy is uncertain. ROOKIE DEPUTY: Maybe I should ask the sheriff. Sacks glances back at him. SACKS: You want to call and wake him up? This is not an attractive prospect. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, CARRIE'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT. The door opens into the darkened room. Someone enters and closes the door. The bedside lamp is turned on, revealing Mercer. He looks at the shelves above the lamp. MERCER: Unicorns, really? He glances down at the shape in the bed and sighs. MERCER: Well, we'll definitely be needing some mood music. He turns on the radio. Music: "Right Here, Right Now" by Fatboy Slim." LYRICS: Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here Waking up to find your love's not real Waking up to find your love's not real Waking up to find, waking up to find Waking up to find, waking up to find Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, here, here, here Waking up to find your love's not real Waking up to find your love's not real Waking up to find, waking up to find Waking up to find, waking up to find Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, right now Right here, here, here, here Mercer moans appreciatively. MERCER: You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. He addresses the lump under the covers. MERCER: Groan if you disagree. There's no response. MERCER: Good. We're on the same page. Mercer half-walks, half-dances over to the desk and takes off his jacket, hanging it on the back of the chair. He walks back over to the bed and sits on the side of it, next to the body. MERCER: It's unfortunate that when you wake up, all you'll know is that your hair is gone... He leans down and whispers. MERCER: Because it's gonna be good. I'd wager your best ever. He sits up again. MERCER: And it's a me thing, I'm sorry to say. I...have no patience. I mean, if I'd met you in a bar or, uh, at a party, I would have had you back here and on your back in an hour. [with increasing anger] But that's an hour of my life I would have never had back, an hour of listening to you talk about unicorns... He gets up and walks over to his jacket. MERCER: And your high-school boyfriend and how you hate the taste of beer. I'm just taking what you would have happily given. He takes the clippers out of his jacket pocket. He switches them on and off again. MERCER: I mean, that's hardly a crime. His monologue is interrupted by a thump from the closet. Mercer freezes for a second, looking in that direction. He throws the clippers down on the desk and strides to the closet. He opens it. Carrie is slumped there, unconscious. MERCER: What the- Behind him, Veronica, who is dressed in Carrie's pink quilted jacket, races to attack him with the taser. Mercer realises a split second before she reaches him and turns, managing to grab her arm and avoid the worst of the taser's bite. He throws her away from him, causing the taser to slide under the bed, out of reach. Veronica and Mercer end up on the floor, side by side on their backs. Veronica tries to scramble away, but Mercer gets hold of the jacket. Veronica wiggles out of it and gets to the door, but Mercer grabs her leg and pulls her down. She bangs her head hard on the floor as she hits. Mercer pulls her along the floor, away from the door. Veronica screams. VERONICA: Help! Mercer turns up the radio so the music blares out. MERCER: What are you doing here, Veronica? No one invited you. He lifts her up by her hair. Veronica cries out in pain. Bringing her to a standing position in front of him, his hands still firmly gripping her hair, Mercer looks down at her. MERCER: What am I gonna do with you? With a free hand, Veronica reaches up and scratches Mercer hard on his left cheek. It's his turn to cry out and he lets go of Veronica. MERCER: Aah! She starts to run again, but he grabs her. He punches her, sending her reeling to the ground. MERCER: [furious] That's my face, you bitch! He walks over to a full length mirror and checks the damage. Veronica has managed to score deep scratches on his cheek. In the mirror, Mercer can see Veronica trying to crawl away. MERCER: Oh, come back here, Veronica. Veronica has managed to get halfway under the bed. MERCER: Let's fix that hair of yours. Veronica gasps as she is pulled out by her ankles. She reaches out and grabs a discarded unicorn as she slides out. She spins around as she comes out from under the bed, stabbing Mercer in the leg with the unicorn's horn. He screams. MERCER: Aah! Mercer stumbles back from her, the unicorn still in his leg. He falls back against a chest of drawers. Veronica makes the most of the opportunity, scrambling up and out of the room. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - NIGHT. She hits the wall immediately outside the door and starts to run. She casts a terrified look back and then races on. She reaches stairs and runs up them, sobbing. She comes to another corridor and hurries to the door of Wallace and Piz's room. She bangs on it desperately. VERONICA: Wallace, Piz, help! There's no response and she sinks down to the floor. Her nose is bloody and she has a nasty gash over her left eye. She pants and looks over at the way she came. As she turns her head back, she becomes aware of a pair of legs coming to a stop next to her. Her eyes travel slowly up the body in fear. It's Moe. MOE: Veronica, are you okay? VERONICA: It's Mercer. Mercer's the rapist. Moe is stunned. End music: "Right Here, Right Now" by Fatboy Slim. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MOE'S ROOM - NIGHT. In Moe's room, gingerly touches her face as she huddles on one of his chairs with a cup of tea. Moe is on his cell phone. MOE: Room 212 Benes hall. Get here as fast as you can. There's been an attempted rape, and the rapist may still be in the room. Hurry, please. Moe closes up the phone. MOE: They're on their way. VERONICA: The girl, Carrie Kaiser, she's still in the room. We can't wait. To soothe Veronica's agitation, Moe kneels down in front of her, holding up a reassuring hands and leaving the cell phone on his desk. MOE: I'll get a bunch of guys and go down there. Stay in here. You'll be safe. Veronica nods gratefully. Moe exits the room, locking the door behind him. Veronica glances around the room. Her eyes rest on the notice board. In addition to a Silver Sun poster, a notice of some sort, a couple of postcards and a post-it note with a phone number are a number of pictures of Moe. The one in the centre is of Moe in the t-shirts used in Dr. Kinny's experiment to denote prisoners. Next to him is Mercer, in the t-shirt of a guard. Veronica stands and moves towards the board to get a closer look. As she reaches it, she starts to feel the tell-tale effects of being drugged. The picture and the increasing disorientation make her realise that she is not out of danger. She backs away from the notice board in horror, stumbling slightly against the chair. The mug drops from her hand and smashes onto the floor. Increasingly incapacitated by the drugs in her system, she gets to the door, but she pulls and twists the handle futilely as it is locked from the outside. She leans back against the door, in a panic. She spots the window over which the curtains are drawn. She weaves her way to it and wrenches open the curtains. She opens the window and looks out. She's at least three floors from the ground and below is hard concrete. She gasps again, in terror and turns back into the room. She sees something that gives her some home. Cut to a few minutes later. She is hiding in the closet. She has Moe's cell phone. Her vision is seriously impaired as she clumsily tries to punch in a number - 555-0123. She brings the phone to her. It rings. VERONICA: [whispering] Dad, pick up. As she waits, she spots something on the top shelf of the closet above her. Keith answer machine picks up the call. KEITH: Hi, this is Keith Mars. Please leave your message after the tone. Veronica pulls herself up and reaches for the object, a hammer. It is resting under a box full of hair. Veronica manages to get it and sinks back down. She looks at the phone again and sees with shock that her hand has pulled down some loose hair as well. More falls on her and she brushes it away quickly. She freezes on hearing voices. Veronica stops breathing. MERCER: [offscreen] You said she was here, Moe. MOE: [offscreen] She was. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - NIGHT. From within Moe's room, Moe and Mercer look out of the open window to the concrete below. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MOE'S ROOM - CONTINUING. They pull back and Mercer bangs on the window frame in frustration. MERCER: You let her get away, Moe? MOE: I'm sorry, sir. Mercer punches him in the face. MERCER: I don't care that you're sorry. In the closet, the cell phone rings. Veronica gasps and goes to answer is quickly. In the room, Moe and Mercer hear the phone. VERONICA: Dad, help. The door to the closet opens. MERCER: Get the phone. Moe leans in to take the phone. As he goes to grab it, Veronica brings the hammer down on his foot. Bones crack. Moe screams. MOE: Aah! Oh! Moe hops away. Mercer grabs Veronica by one ankle and drags Veronica out of the closet. He leaves her on the floor to scream at Moe. MERCER: Shut up! Stop blubbering, prisoner. MOE: What are we gonna do with her? MERCER: I'm thinking. MOE: We're gonna get caught. Mercer backhands Moe across the face. MERCER: Shut up. We're not gonna get caught. Give me all the GHB you've got left. We'll get it down her throat. She won't remember last year, let alone last night. As Mercer barks orders at Moe, Veronica feels something in her pocket. She struggles to get it. MOE: I'm out of it. Mercer grabs Moe by his vest. Moe cringes away. MOE: No. MERCER: Then watch her. I'll go to my room. I got plenty. Veronica has managed to get the rape whistle out of her pocket and up to her mouth. She blows it for about three seconds before the boys get it away from her. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. A couple of girls are walking up the hallway, oblivious to the rape whistle, but one of the dorm room doors opens. Parker emerges from her room, alert to the sound. She looks up and down the hallway. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MERCER'S ROOM - NIGHT. Mercer hobbles into his room. He goes to a low locker and pulls out a can. He unscrews the top and shakes a small bottle into his hand. He gazes at it determinedly. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY OUTSIDE MOE'S ROOM - NIGHT. Mercer gets back to Moe's floor, limply badly. He looks up. Parker is standing in the middle of the hallway, hands on hips, like Fury. MERCER: Hey, there. Uh, Parker, is it? PARKER: Going somewhere? Mercer points behind her. MERCER: Uh, yeah, as a matter of fact. He tries to pass her but Parker moves to stand in his way, putting her hand on his chest. PARKER: Where is she? MERCER: Uh, excuse me. Mercer puts his hand on her wrist to remove her arm. Parker starts to scream. PARKER: Rape! Parker drops her arm and leaps (in so much as he can) back. MERCER: Whoa! Parker is screaming at the top of her lungs. People start to come out of the rooms, including Moe. PARKER: Rape! Rape! Rape! MERCER: I just touched you. A beefy resident arrives from behind Parker. He steps between them. BEEFY RESIDENT: Buddy, what's up? He looks back to Parker. Another RA is standing near Moe. MOE: Mercer, what's going on? BEEFY RESIDENT: Who blew that whistle? MOE: [with increasing panic] Mercer, what do we do? Parker looks back at Moe, suspiciously. The questions are coming thick and fast and Mercer doesn't have an answer. The beefy resident looks down at Mercer's leg where one of the trouser legs has a large bloody patch. BEEFY RESIDENT: What happened to your leg, man? MERCER: Pet cougar, all right? Look, show's over, people, okay? Moe, shut up and get in your room. Good night, everyone. Sweet dreams. Parker continues to stares in accusation at Mercer. It gets to him. MERCER: [nastily] What are you looking at? Whether he heard something, or it simply served the script that he should say so out of the blue, the second advisor pipes up. SECOND RESIDENT: You got someone in your room, Moe? MOE: Mercer? Parker looks back at Moe again, getting that Moe is behaving like Mercer's bitch. MERCER: All right, you all have fun, okay? I'm out of here. Mercer backs up. There are two RA looking types students behind him. Although one seems to move to block Mercer's exit, they let him slip between them. MERCER: She's just a psycho, and you're all falling for it. Mercer turns and hastens to the doors to the staircase. MOE: Mercer, where are you going? Mercer! Moe races after him. Parker and the beefy resident watch him go. The second resident approaches Parker. SECOND RESIDENT: Are you okay? Breathing shakily, Parker nods and whispers. PARKER: Yeah. She runs to Mercer's door. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MOE'S ROOM - CONTINUING. She bursts in and gasps on seeing Veronica lying on the floor. She bends down to her. PARKER: Oh, my God, Veronica. Oh, my God. She lifts and cradles Veronica's head gently. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT. The dean is asleep on the couch in his office, his arms folded into his body. An egg hits one of the windows, having been thrown from outside. He wakes up at the tap-tap sound as more eggs hit the window. Momentarily disoriented, he gets up and walks towards the source of the sound. He looks at the window and more eggs hit their target. Looking somewhat tragic, he watches as the gunk slides down the glass. A last egg is thrown. Someone opens the door to the office, casting light and a shadow on the dean as he gazes at the window. He turns his head and looks at the visitor in surprise. DEAN O'DELL: What are you doing here? INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - NIGHT. Keith is chewing out Sacks. KEITH: When a bomb threat's phoned in, you evacuate the building. That's procedure, Sacks. SACKS: Sorry, Keith. KEITH: I'm taking my daughter home now. Veronica is perched on the side, on the table where the coffee sits. She has a drink in a paper cup. She is still out of it, but less so than earlier. Keith helps her up. SACKS: Sheriff Lamb's on his way in. He wanted to talk to her. KEITH: [at a whisper] Yeah, right. Keith ignores the implied order than they stay, holding Veronica close and walking her towards the door. VERONICA: [groggily] I called you from Moe's phone. You've got his number saved on your phone now. He's not smart enough to turn it off. Keith nods. INT - MOTEL ROOM - DAY. In some anonymous motel room, Mercer, his trousers pulled down is surveying the damage to his leg. His breathing is ragged with the pain. He looks up and nods. Moe applies a pair of pliers to the wound. Mercer's breathing quickens at the increased pain and he screams as Moe extracts the unicorn horn buried deep in the leg. With Moe still holding the pliers over the leg, the door to the room is kicked in. Both guys look up in shock. It's Keith and he has his gun pointed straight at them. KEITH: Your ride back to Neptune is here, boys. I suggest you don't give me any more reason to shoot you. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica, her face still showing the effects of the night before, is curled up at one end of the couch, her face free of makeup and her hair pushed back with a hair band. VERONICA: Moe was the setup man. She is explaining to Mac, sitting at the other end of the couch, Wallace, sitting on the arm of the couch behind Mac, and Piz, crouched on the floor next to Wallace. VERONICA: He'd dose the victims, then call Mercer with the room number and give him the master keys he needed to get in. Moe was the one who shaved me in the parking lot. I don't think he ever planned on raping me. He was just providing an alibi for Mercer. WALLACE: Well, what did the Pi Sigs have to do with it? VERONICA: Nothing, just nights Moe and Mercer could be sure there'd be plenty of drunk girls, plus a convenient scapegoat. MAC: Has Logan been by? She shakes her head. VERONICA: I haven't seen him. INT - DINER - DAY. Two deputies are sitting at one of the booths by the big glass window. Their Sheriff's department vehicle can be seen through the window, parked on the opposite side of the service road in front of the diner. Music: "Can't Get Over You" by the Digbees. LYRICS: Baby, I could make a list of things that I would much rather do today But I think I'll lay right here and say The deputies are deep into their reading. The bonnet/hood of a black Range Rover can be seen parking on this side of the service road. The sound of someone exiting the car alerts one of the deputies, who looks out of the window. It's Logan, staring intently at the deputies through the window, to make sure he's noticed, as he makes his way purposefully towards their car. He's carrying a baseball bat. The other deputy looks up in time to see Logan raise the bat and smash the windscreen. The deputies scramble to extricate themselves from their booth. End music: "Can't Get Over You" by the Digbees. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT, CELL - DAY. In the cell, Moe is lying in the top bunk, facing the wall. Mercer is in the bottom bunk, lying on his back and staring at nothing. He doesn't react steps approaching the cell, the rattle of keys or the opening of the cell door. Logan enters the cell. Mercer finally looks over and sees Logan, never more like his father than now, flexing his fists. As the cell door slides shut behind Logan, Moe also turns to see the new arrival. Logan's eyes are burning into Mercer, threatening grievous bodily harm or worse. Mercer opens his mouth as if to say something, then closes it and sighs. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY. Weevil manages to get the door to the office open, despite carrying the large piece of equipment that will turn O'Dell's television into a wonder of high definition. He backs into the room and turns, glancing around the office, ready with a smile. He stops at the sight he sees. Dean O'Dell is slumped on his desk. His head resting on his keyboard. There is a bullet hole in his temple. Weevil stares disbelievingly. End.
doc_62
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Wynn: This is not what we discussed on the telephone. Raylan: I figure you're good enough that no one can link the hitters from last night to you. Wynn: Thank you. Raylan: Except, of course, for Gary. He seems like a bit of a loose end. I'd leave the country, but that's entirely up to you. Wynn: Are we finished? Raylan: As long as you understand that the next time we have this conversation, there won't be a conversation. Ava: Devil, you want sugar? [ Gasps ] Devil! Dickie: Hello, Ava. Ava: Oh! Dickie: It's the top of the 1st, Raylan. Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter... Boyd: Cut him down. Now, God damn it. Dickie: Wait, Raylan! Come on. Listen to me. You ain't getting to Loretta without me, and you know it. Raylan: Boyd? Boyd: He shot Ava. Raylan: I'm gonna need him for a little bit. Boyd: What, are you asking me... Or are you telling me? Raylan: Makes you feel better, you can tell people I asked. Winona: I want you to leave this alone. I want you to leave it to the authorities. This is not your problem, Raylan. Raylan: I promise you I will be fine. Winona: Okay. Take me to work. And go to Harlan. But I can't promise you I'm gonna be here when you get back. Raylan: I need you and your boys to put your guns down. Doyle: And why would we do that? Raylan: Maybe you don't want to see your brother's brains fly Guys! Cease fire! [ Siren chirps ] Winona: Was I speeding? Winona Hawkins? Winona: Yeah. Ma'am, this is a courtesy stop. Chief deputy Art mullen's been trying to reach you. [ Indistinct talking over P.A. ] Winona: Hi. Art: Hey. Winona: How is he? Art: He's sleeping right now. But he's gonna be all right. The bullet went right through his side, just under the ribs. Didn't hit any vitals. He's a lucky son of a gun. Winona: Look, Art, I, um... Um... Art: End of the hall, Winona. First door on the left. [ Monitor beeping ] [ Gunshots ] [ Shell casings dropping ] Raylan: [ Sighs ] [ Exhales deeply ] [ Whirring ] [ Whirring stops ] [ Sighs ] [ Grunts ] [ Inhales sharply ] I even tried a cross-pull. I don't think I've done that since Glynco. Art: How'd that work for you? Raylan: Won't be doing it again. Art: [ Laughs ] Did you try lefty? Raylan: So I could shoot the side of a barn? Art: All right, we'll try one more week of medical restriction, and then I'll issue you some hand grenades. You're a lucky man, Raylan. Raylan: I got shot, Art. Art: Only thing that saved you was all that body fat you got going on there. Raylan: Starting to feel uncomfortable. Art: Why? We're alone. Crowder's here. Raylan: Didn't wear your suit. Boyd: Boy, you say that as if I've only got the one and not a whole closet full. Raylan: [ Chuckles ] I'm sorry. You didn't wear your black suit. Boyd: Well, I can see by the hitch in your step you're still not 100%. Raylan: Yeah. How's Ava? Boyd: She's moving not so different from you. She's healing. So was I right not to wear my suit? Raylan: Well, we don't have a strict dress code. Boyd: Well, it just occurred to me that Raylan Givens invites me up to Lexington. Chances are I might find myself in front of a judge before the day is out. Raylan: Why? Did you do something you shouldn't have? Boyd: Well, that's a pretty low bar, Raylan. Raylan: [ Laughs ] Nah, trooper Tom Bergen, up there in your world, he says within a day of Mags killing herself, all her marijuana-drying sheds got cleaned out. Boyd: I wasn't aware that marijuana interdiction fell under the marshals' purview. Raylan: He also said that the floorboards in the sheds had been torn up, ceilings pulled down, walls opened up, like someone was looking for something, which does fall under the marshals' purview... Recovering ill-gotten gains. Mags' bank accounts have been seized along with her property, but there's still a sizeable amount of money missing. Boyd: How sizeable, Raylan? Raylan: Well over $10. Boyd: Well, now, if I found that kind of money, I'd be in Mexico by now. Raylan: Boyd, I've been to Mexico. I don't think you'd like it. Boyd: How so? Raylan: There's a lot of Mexicans. Boyd: Raylan, if a book could only be judged by its cover, you'd be a best seller. Raylan: Hmm. Boyd: Are we done? Raylan: Looks like. Sorry for wasting your time. Boyd: Never a waste of time to spend a moment with my good friend Raylan Givens. Tell you what. I'll ask around. See if I can't get a line on that money for you. Raylan: I appreciate it. Boyd: In exchange for an apology. Raylan: I'm sorry. What? Boyd: I want you to apologize. Raylan: For the crack about the Mexicans? Boyd: By the time I got out of Wade Messer's house, Dickie Bennett was tuning you up like it was his birthday and you were his piñata, only I don't think there would have been candy pouring out. Raylan: You're saying you saved my life. Boyd: Are you saying I didn't? Raylan: I would suggest what you're looking for is a "thank you," not an apology. Boyd: Well, now, follow my logic, Raylan. I had my own plans for Dickie on account of his shooting Ava, but you said you needed him, so I let you have him under the condition that you would return him to me once his services had been rendered. Raylan: [ Scoffs ] [ Sighs ] I'm sorry. Did you see a creek out in the lobby? Some pretty green trees and cut-off mountains? Do you think we're in the "har"? I am a deputy U.S. Marshall, Boyd. Boyd: You're a Givens, Raylan. Raylan: And you think I'm gonna hand a man over to you to be murdered like he is, what, some pig I borrowed from you? Boyd: You gave me your word. Raylan: I got half a mind to kick... Boyd: [ Grunts ] Art: R-a-y-l-a-n. [ Grunting in distance ] Recovering from a GSW. That stands for "gun..." Boyd: No resistance here, officer! There's no resistance here! Raylan: Hey, Boyd. Should have wore the suit. Boyd: [ Laughs ] No resistance, officer! I'll see you, Raylan! ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard ♪ ♪ fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ Mm, mm, mm. This is great country. Ooh! [ Laughs ] First time, and I already love it here. The way the pastures roll off into the distance. The horses... I have never seen such beautiful horses. Thank you. Thank you. May I sit? Please. Two coffees. Now, you want a little kick? Mr. Arnett likes a little kick. Oh, yeah, he'll have a little kick. No. He won't. Just black. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Thank you, Yvette. You can go now. [ Sighs ] You're banging her, aren't you? I beg your pardon? And now you've lost her respect. That's hardly your concern. Well, in a way it is. See, she's your public face, and she is not selling the same story as you are. [ Clears throat ] Uh... Who's he? Oh, Mr. Nix is one of my brokers. Could he sit where I could see him? [ Laughs ] That's good. Now, why don't you state your business, enjoy your coffee, and then get the hell out? Detroit is concerned. Look, when you go back to Detroit, you just tell them that the properties that I'm holding are poised to rebound, and when they do, they're gonna be worth twice what I paid for them. Wow. So, what do you think they're worth right now, today? No, I don't really have a current assessment. That's okay. 'Cause I do. You picked a shitty time to get into commercial real estate, and now you're under water. Detroit did not make an investment, Emmitt. It made a loan, which you assured them that you would repay as per the agreement. 250 will bring you current. I could have that in two weeks. Emmitt, you read the business pages. Things are getting...Tough all over. So, if you can't have the money here by tomorrow, I suggest you tell me right now. [ Sighs ] I'll have it tomorrow. That's great. I'll see you tomorrow. Said you were looking for work. Everybody's been wondering what happened to all that Bennett weed. Devil: And you get first crack at it, courtesy of Mr. Boyd Crowder. Just his way of showing his appreciation for a new business partner. Well, let's get to it, then. Arlo: There's more in the tractor shed out back. Lee! Go take a look! A-Ron. Get over here and help me. Arlo: Devil. Devil: Yeah? Arlo: Ava's here. [ Bird squawking ] Devil: Ava. Ava: Devil. Arlo throwing a party? [ Both chuckle ] Devil: No, we, uh, got a buyer for the pot. Rodney Dunham. Ava: "Hot rod" Dunham? Out of Memphis? Devil: Now, we're taking care of this, Ava... me, Arlo, and Johnny. Ava: Yeah? Devil: Yeah. Ava: I don't see Johnny. Devil: Well, he'll turn up. Ava: Yeah? You figure Boyd's locked up, you'll just go into business for yourself. Devil: Ah, it ain't like that. Boyd allowed us how he might sell it. We're just acting on his behalf. Ava: Mm. Arlo: Dunham wants a word. Ava: Tell him to come on out. Arlo: Come on out, Dunham. Devil: I got this, Ava. Ooh! Aah, that smell can really take the wind right out of you. Arlo: Tell me about it. Ava: Mr. Dunham, Ava Crowder. I'm proud to know you, ma'am. Ava: Likewise. I've seen all I need to see. Devil: Oh, yeah? What's your offer? All I got to offer is advice... next time you want to pull a big score like this, don't bag the plants wet. Devil: What, is there a problem? How long's this been sitting here? Arlo: About three weeks. You got mold, you got mildew, you got rats and mice eating on it out in the shed. Devil: Are you saying it's all gone to sh1t? That's not what I'm saying. [ Sighs ] I'm saying you can probably salvage...Two or three grand if you get to cleaning right now. Devil: No, this is 120 kilos of premium weed! Three weeks ago...Maybe. Ava: We were thinking that we might... Devil: I'm talking to the gentleman. Arlo: Let us handle it, Ava. Devil: Now, you as much as told me on the phone that you was gonna take the whole lot. I told you I'd look at it. Devil: No, no, unh-unh, no, no, no, no. Here's how it works. You want to keep buying quality bud, you gonna have to take all this off our hands. Ava: Devil! Devil: Stay out of this! Pull your head out of your ass, son. This is serious weight, and these are dangerous times. Now, you want this to get ugly? It can. Ava: Of course that's not what we want, Mr. Dunham. We appreciate you coming by. You're lucky I was already in Knoxville. If I'd come eight hours from Memphis for this , I'd be obliged to kick somebody's ass! Devil: Mm-hmm. Ava: Understandable, sir. Thank you. Ma'am. [ Vehicle doors open, close ] Ava: [ Sighs ] That go about the way you expected? Arlo: I could use a drink. Devil: Amen to that. Ava: [ Sighs ] Winona: You know you got 21/2 bottles of whiskey on ice and no beer? Raylan: That can happen. Wait. You can't drink any of that sh1t anyway. Winona: Well, I can have one. Raylan: Who says? Winona: My mom. She used to have a couple drinks a night when she was carrying me. She'd put her ashtray, balance it on her great big belly. Raylan: That explains a lot. Winona: [ Chuckles ] How you doing? Raylan: I've been better. Winona: Well, you still look good. Raylan: What do you mean, "still"? Winona: You are not getting any younger, kiddo. Raylan: I'm so glad you're here. Winona: You ready to get back in action? Raylan: Oh, Art said another week of light duty, and that was before the fight. Winona: That's not what I'm talking about. Raylan: [ Moaning, grunting ] Winona: You okay? Did that hurt? Raylan: I'll manage. [ Both moaning and grunting ] Raylan: [ Breathes deeply ] Winona: So, what's going on? Raylan: What are you asking? Winona: I just... it feels like there's something on your mind. Raylan: Do you know about the newborn baby in the delivery room? Calls his daddy over and says, "how do you think that feels?" Winona: Is that what you were thinking about? Raylan: Maybe a little. Winona: You know the baby's the size of a walnut right now, don't you? Raylan: Mm-hmm. You know it's gonna get bigger, too, right? Raylan: W-well, yeah. Raylan: Mm. Maybe we need more room. Winona: [ Sighs ] After all the time I spent redecorating? Raylan: Well, much as I appreciate you putting lipstick on this particular platypus... Winona: [ Laughs ] Raylan:...Maybe we should... I don't know... start looking for a house or something. Winona: Mm...And leave all this? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Doorbell rings ] Yeah? [ Shakily ] I got a large olive and eggplant. [ Chuckles ] Sorry, son, I didn't order a pizza. I did. [ Sighs ] [ Clears throat ] Where would you like me to put them? Put them on the desk and sit. Mm, these are way nicer than the piece of sh1t I wear. But I'm not complaining. Keeps good time. You don't remember me, do you? Never seen you before in my life. Oh, you've seen me. You just didn't notice me. But I know you. You're Delmer Coates. You used to own that watch store over on Clinton. Couple of kids tried to rob you. You shot them. Dumb asses didn't know you had a gun under the counter. Couple other guys tried after that, right? Yeah. You shot and killed four men. You're one tough son of a bitch. But I come in here and ask you for the watches, and you just lay down. Yeah. What was I supposed to do? I was hoping you'd pull on me, give me some lip. You just hit the silent alarm and wait for the cavalry to come. I know all about your security system. I'm the guy who put it in. When I ordered the pizza, I took your security system offline. Took me less than 30 minutes, which is more than I can say for you, slick. You understand why I ain't paying for that pizza, right? [ Whimpers ] Now, I don't like wearing a mask. I'm too pretty. So I am gonna have to kill you. But I'll tell you what... There's this game I like to play. I'm gonna put this gun between us and have the pizza man count it down from 10. When he gets to 1, we both go for it, so you got the same chance I got. That sounds fair, right? Start counting. I-I don't think I should be inv... be involved in this. Count. [ Inhales deeply ] [SCENE_BREAK] [ Shakily ] 8... [SCENE_BREAK] [ Screams ] I win. [ Latches click] [ Gasps ] I didn't see anything. I'm not gonna say anything. I swear. Are you gonna eat that pizza? No! Take it! [ Breathing heavily ] [ Knock on desk ] Raylan: What's up? Tim: Somebody killed a Mr. Delmer Coates last night along with a pizza delivery boy. They also emptied his safe. Raylan: I regret their passing. So? Tim: Well, whoever killed them took Mr. Coates' security system offline, which is not so easy considering... Raylan: I'm gonna stop it there. Were either Mr. Coates or the pizza delivery man federal fugitives? Tim: No, but Fletcher "the ice pick" Nix is. He's charged with interstate flight. The stab wounds on the victim's hands are consistent with an ice pick. Raylan: Can't help you. I'm on light duty. Maybe Rachel. Tim: Oh, yeah, I'd rather take her, but, uh... Raylan: "But, uh," what? Tim: Wynn Duffy's security system did the installation. Raylan: Is there a question attached to this? Tim: Well, Duffy's the only lead I got, and I thought you might help me out. Raylan: Why would you think that? Tim: 'Cause you had that thing. Raylan: Had what thing? Tim: Where you two killed Gary together. Raylan: That's funny. That's funny. Excuse me. I'm out of staples, and I'm getting a little light on paper clips. Tim: Come on, man. Raylan: "Come on, man." Have you not been listening? I cannot leave my desk. Tim: Just say you're on lunch. Raylan: I can't talk to Duffy. Tim: Sure you can. Raylan: No, I can't. Tim: Why not? Raylan: Last time I saw him I said our next conversation wasn't gonna be a conversation. Tim: Well, this is a different conversation. [ Car door closes ] Tim: What? He's not gonna remember something you said that long ago. Raylan: [ Sighs ] [ Sighs ] He doesn't want to talk to you. Raylan: Well, that makes two of us. Wynn: Who don't I want to talk to? Raylan: [ Exhales deeply ] Wynn: Raylan. To what do I owe the pleasure? Raylan: Deputy Gutterson has some questions for you. Tim: Gentleman named Delmer Coates was murdered last night. Name ring a bell? Wynn: Not offhand. Should it? Tim: Well, you installed his security system about two years ago. It was a whispertech series "c." Wynn: That's a good system. Tim: Whoever killed Coates disabled it first. Since you install so many of them... Wynn: I'm sorry, I just have to ask. Are you two accusing me of being involved or are you just asking me for information? Raylan: Whichever applies. Wynn: I don't think it'd very good for business if I went around murdering my own clients, do you? Tim: Well, it might be worth it if they had a safe full of expensive merchandise. Wynn: All my clients have expensive merchandise. That's why they buy security sys... Raylan: Just answer the question, or shut your mouth. Wynn: I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you, Raylan. It'd be so much easier to just beat a confession out of me, wouldn't it? Raylan: That's still an option. Wynn: As a matter of fact, as I recall, last time we met, you told me next conversation we had wasn't gonna be a conversation. Raylan: This is a different conversation. Wynn: Oh. Tim: You ever hire an installer named Fletcher Nix? Favorite toy's an ice pick. Wynn: That's not exactly standard equipment. Raylan: That ain't exactly an answer. Wynn: Raylan, I am so sorry. I would love to be of more help, but I got to get back to watching women's tennis. Close the door, Mike. [ Exhales sharply ] [ Door slams shut ] Raylan: [ Sighs ] Well, the man's a piece of sh1t, but I believe him. Tim: You do? Raylan: He didn't flinch when you mentioned Delmer Coates. Tim: No, but when I mentioned that ice pick... Raylan: Yeah, he flinched a little. Tim: Well, maybe this one's above his pay grade. Who's he work for? Raylan: Emmitt Arnett. Dixie mafia shot-caller out of Frankfort. Tim: Okay, how about you go talk to him? You drop me off at the corner. I'll keep an eye on Duffy. Raylan: Excuse me? Tim: Or, you know, you can go back to the office, get your paper clips, do the p-p dance, whatever makes you feel happy, Raylan. [ Car door closes ] Raylan: [ Grunts ] [ Engine turns over ] [SCENE_BREAK] Wynn: [ Sighs ] Emmitt, is there anything you want to tell me? What is this, 20 questions? Wynn: You hired one of my own guys to go after one of my clients? Where'd you get that idea? Wynn: Don't insult my intelligence, Emmitt! I'm talking about Fletcher, the ice pick. Hey, baby? Baby, pull that door a minute, will you? I didn't think he was still one of your boys. Wynn: He isn't one of my boys. Do you know why? Because he's a federal fugitive, which means that anything he does points right back at me, which raises the obvious question, was that your intention, Emmitt? No! No, look. [ Sighs ] It d-didn't go as planned. I'm on my way into the office to meet him, and that'll be the end of it. Wynn: Well, let me know how that goes. And, by the way, Raylan Givens is on his way to talk to you. [ Sighs ] Damn. [ Buzzer sounds ] Boyd: Oh, it sure is good to see you. Ava: You okay? Boyd: I'm fine. How are you? Ava: Well, it sucks talking to you through this glass. Boyd: They're transferring me to Tramble. Everything okay? Ava: [ Inhales deeply ] You know that cord of wood we got stacked behind Arlo's house? Boyd: I thought maybe we could sell some. Ava: Yeah, but your old buddy from Memphis came by, said he couldn't use any of it. Boyd: Not a piece? Ava: Mnh-mnh. He said it was starting to rot. Didn't seem to have any good ideas about what we should do with it, either. Boyd: [ Sighs ] Well... [ Inhales deeply ] Burn it. Ava: All of it? Boyd: All of it. I wouldn't want to attract any termites or any other pests. Raylan: [ Sighs ] [ Cellphone rings ] Yeah? What's the problem? Uh-huh. Yeah. Small world. [ Elevator bell dings ] I'll tell you later. You want me to handle it? All right. Have it your way. Raylan: Something I can help you with? I like your hat. [ Elevator bell dings ] Raylan: [ Sighs ] There much call for cowboys these days? Raylan: You would be surprised. Yeah? Raylan: Yep. Whoa. Hey. It's not your floor. Change of plan. See you again. Raylan: Emmitt? Marshal! [ Chuckles ] I didn't hear you come in. Raylan: Sorry. Looking for Mr. Arnett. Uh, he won't be coming in today. Raylan: [ Sighs ] You know where I can find him? I can try to find out. Or maybe there's something I can do for you. My daddy had a hat kind of like yours. Raylan: Oh, yeah? Except the brim was smaller. Raylan: Businessman's Stetson. That's it. Can I be honest with you? Raylan: I'd like to think so. I don't think Mr. Arnett's in the real-estate business. Raylan: What makes you say that? Mostly just the people who come around. I mean, they don't look like real-estate folks. They don't even look like contractors or property managers or maintenance people. They're just sketchy. Raylan: Like Wynn Duffy. Exactly! And this new guy, Fletcher Nix. He is super creepy. Ohh. Raylan: What do you know about him? Nothing. Except he was supposed to come into the office this morning for a meeting, but Mr. Arnett canceled at the last minute. Raylan: Why'd he cancel? Mm. They rescheduled. Raylan: Rescheduled for...? Can I just say... It is so nice talking to a man who's interested in what you have to say. I mean, none of Mr. Arnett's colleagues are very good conversationalists, to say the least. Raylan: Must be difficult. They rescheduled for...? Tonight. But I don't have to be there. Thank goodness. Raylan: Do you know where? Um...Near a cab stand at Jefferson and Main. Raylan: Yvette, may I offer you some advice? Quit. The sooner the better. I got a feeling Mr. Arnett's about to ride a barrel over the falls. I wish you could see it, buddy. Hey, you know how they talk about Kentucky bluegrass? Well, it's actually blue. I did... I sent you a postcard this morning. No, I wouldn't kid you about that. Ll see for yourself as soon as I get settled. Hey, look, pop's got to go. I love you, buddy. Bye. [ Car door opens ] How'd that go? Just like you said it would. You tell him about tonight? Mm-hmm. But that's what I don't get. If they catch Fletcher before he makes the drop, you don't get the money. Well, I'm not so worried about the money anymore. Then what'd you come all this way for? I like the scenery. [ Gear shifts ] Raylan: This is Fletcher Nix? Tim: Didn't you look at his file? Raylan: Not closely. Tim: There a problem? Art: Okay, Rachel, I want you to call the LPD shift captain. Make sure he has all our info. Tim, you call the S.W.A.T. Team leader and do the same. Now, we're gonna need a photograph of Emmitt Arnett. Something better than a drivers license would be a big plus. Hopefully, we can get Arnett and Fletcher nix together tonight, and it'll be one-stop shopping. All right. Raylan: You ain't gonna let me do anything, are you? Art: Well, you can't run and you can't shoot. What good are you? Raylan: Well, I can be the guy on the radio, telling people what to do. Art: That's my job, asshole. Raylan: But, Art... Art: Not changing my mind. Raylan: No, no, no. There's something else you should know. Art: Okay. Raylan: Tim showed me a picture of Nix this morning, but I didn't look at it. Art: Is that it? Raylan: And then I ran into him later in the elevator at Arnett's, but I didn't recognize him. Art: Because you didn't look at the picture. Raylan: Mm-hmm. Art: 'Cause you've been shot, and you're off your game, which is why I told you to stay at your desk. So the next time I tell you to stay at your desk... Raylan: I'm gonna stay at my desk. Art: Thank you. Raylan: But this thing tonight... Art: Yes? Raylan: It might have come too easy... the information I got from Yvette. I didn't have to work hard for it. Art: Anything else you screwed up today? Raylan: Not that I can think of. Art: Go home, Raylan, really. We'll be fine. Ava: You sure do have some fine cookware, Mr. Givens. Arlo: Most of it was Helen's. Some from her sister. They both liked to cook. Ava: As do I. Arlo: Ava? [ Sighs ] While we appreciate you making this fine meal, I think we would appreciate it even more if you told us what Boyd had to say. Ava: [ Sighs ] Devil: Yeah, why you stalling? Ava: Well, you got me, Devil. I am stalling. I just wanted to get some good food in you before I relayed Boyd's orders. [ Sighs ] Boyd instructed that you burn the weed. Devil: The hell? Arlo: That weed's worth 100 grand easy. Ava: It's also worth 20 years any law enforcement happens by. Hot rod was our last outlet. We can't just sit on it and hope we run into someone who will take it off our hands. Devil: We ain't burning it. Ava: Those were Boyd's orders... Devil: Yeah, well, Boyd's not here, is he? Ava: [ Sighs ] Devil, I can imagine it is hard taking orders from a woman. Only you're not. You're taking orders from Boyd. I'm just passing it along. Now, the way I figure it is you got a choice. We can play nice. You do what Boyd says, and I keep making fine food. My fried chicken is to die for. The other path? You ignore Boyd, and I get ornery. Devil: Well, what are you gonna do? Spit in our food. [ Both laugh ] [ Groans ] Ava: We clear?! I need to make my point any more emphatically?! Arlo: You didn't need to do that, Ava. Ava: Of course I did, Mr. Givens. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it. Devil: [ Groans ] Tim: Male, 40s, approaching the Escalade, holding a box. Art: Fletcher Nix? Tim: Negative. Not... repeat, not... Fletcher Nix. [ Knock on window ] You're supposed to give me something for this. How about you get in the car or I shoot you in the face. Tim: Driver's got a gun. Art: All right, shut it down! Get in the goddamn car. Rachel: [ Grunts ] [ Sirens wail ] [ Gear shifts ] [ Tires screech ] [ Indistinct shouting ] Art: Keep your hands in the air! Keep your hands where I can see them at all times! Get out of the car. Put your hands on your head. Turn around. Kneel down. Raylan: I've always thought "Felix" deserved a comeback. Felix... Felix Givens. Winona: Like Felix the cat. Raylan: Yeah, but without the cat. Just...Felix. What do you think? On winona: Uh, yeah, maybe. Raylan: [ Chuckles ] Maybe, huh? Winona: Raylan, I think it's sweet that you think you have a say in the name. Raylan: I'm sorry? Winona: Well, I do know you, and I know that if I spend more than five minutes in labor, sweating and screaming and all of that, you're gonna go with whatever name I choose. I mean, I could... I could choose jiffy pop or palmolive. That's a good one. Raylan: Hmm. [ Cellphone ringing ] Jiffy pop. Winona: Jiffy pop. Raylan: Jiffy pop for a boy. Palmolive's obviously a girl's name. What's up, Art? How'd it go? Art: Not well. Fletcher Nix was a no-show, as was Arnett. Nix sent some homeless guy to do the drop, and arnett sent some guy that might have been a bodyguard, but we don't know now because he's all lawyered up. I thought the homeless guy was gonna get popped, so I shut it down. Raylan: What's next? Art: Frankfort PD's on the way Arnett's house to bring him in for questioning. [ Car beeping ] [ Car door closes ] Winona: Who are you? I'm the one with the gun. Raylan: This has nothing to do with the lady. That's too bad. Come inside. Shut the door. Now I ask you to take your gun out. I think you'd do it, considering the company. Slowly. Just take two fingers, and... You know what? Just do whatever you'd tell someone to do in a situation like this. Unh. Whole thing. Put it on the ground. Raylan: [ Sighs ] [ Grunts ] Have a seat. Raylan: [ Grunts ] Okay. What's next, Fletcher? Aww, you're showing me you know my name. Raylan: I know a lot about you. You didn't know me in the elevator. Raylan: What I still don't get is why you don't just take the money and run. Maybe because it's not money. Watches. I look like I know anything about watches? Raylan: Hell, I could take those off your hands. Give you 20 apiece for them. You can be on your way. [ Chuckles ] You're the one who put that plug in Tommy Bucks on that Miami rooftop. Raylan: That's right. How about we play a game? [ Chuckles ] Count down from 10. Raylan: Go ahead, Winona. Winona: Right now? This is as good a time as any. Winona: Uh... [SCENE_BREAK] When she gets to 1, we go for it. Winona: 5... [SCENE_BREAK] [ Voice breaking ] 2... [ Groans ] [ Inhales sharply ] [ Groaning ] Raylan: I'm sorry about your tablecloth. Is that really necessary? Wynn: I don't know him. He'll be here. He'll be here. Don't worry. No, he won't. Oh, he probably just stopped for a sandwich or something. That boy just can't stop eating. Actually, you know, it's a problem. Mr. Arnett, he's not coming. I had your assistant, Yvette, tell the marshals where the exchange was happening. [ Laughs ] I'm not joking. [ Slams glass ] Why would you do that? You had a good thing going here, Emmitt. But you let go of the rope. [ Sighs ] You done? Almost. You know me now? Yeah. Dewey: I don't know if you're thinking of it, but stay away from the neck. Now, back here's okay, but up here? Hurts like a son of a bitch, and don't mind my saying. I think it might be because the skin is looser or something. Dickie: Yeah, no no, thank you. I don't plan on getting no tattoos. Dewey: Well, man, neither did I, but, as much as anything else, it gives you something to do, you know? You can only spank it so much. What the hell's he doing here?
doc_63
Act One. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. It's the early evening. Frasier is playing a tune on the piano, Martin is looking through some old police work, and Daphne is busying herself in the kitchen. Frasier turns round to find Eddie staring at him. Frasier: Dad, he's doing it again! Must this dog stare at me all the time? Martin: I don't know. Eddie - must ya? [Eddie carries on staring] Apparently he must. Frasier: [to Eddie:] What is so fascinating about me? What is it? Do you imagine I am a large piece of kibble? Am I some sort of canine enigma? Think about it, get back to me. Daphne enters carrying a tray of food. Daphne: Here we are, gents, dinner's up. [to Martin:] Can I give you a hand clearing up your papers? Martin: No, you better let me. I need to keep these in a particular order. Daphne: What is all this, anyway? Martin: Oh, it's an old case of mine from the police force - the "Weeping Lotus" murder. Frasier: Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this old thing up. He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years. Martin: Yeah, and I'm not stopping until I do solve it. You adopt certain instincts when you're a cop. And my instinct tells me that this case can be cracked. There just must be one small thing I keep overlooking. [tidies papers] Frasier: There is - who the murderer was. [laughs] The doorbell sounds and Frasier goes to answer it as Daphne and Martin chat. Daphne: It's nice you feel so dedicated. Martin: It's a hobby. Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker and try to stuff her entire body into a bowling bag. It's relaxing! At this point Frasier opens the front door to Niles who is carrying a bottle of wine. He enters and hands the wine to Frasier. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator and it shattered her calm. Frasier: Have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high strung? Maybe she should see someone. Niles: She's seen everyone, why do you think she was calling directory assistance? Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. It's so good to see you again. [she puts the meal down] What an enchanting scent you're wearing. Daphne: [smells herself] Must be the ranch dressing. Won't Mrs. Crane be coming? Niles: No, I'm afraid. And please, no more of this "Doctor" and "Mrs. Crane" formality. To you, it's Niles and... [stumped] er... Frasier: Maris. Niles: Yes, Maris. Martin: Glad you could join us, Niles. Niles: Oh, I wouldn't have missed it. Martin: Well, I guess the food's all ready: why don't we just go ahead and start? Everyone sits down except Daphne who begins to take her food into the kitchen. Daphne: Well, enjoy. Martin: Where are you going? Daphne: I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen. Martin: Don't be ridiculous. Niles: Yes, we can't have you eating by yourself in the kitchen. I'll join you. Martin: No. We're all eating right here, like a family, end of discussion. Daphne: Well, isn't this nice? Feels just like home. Niles: I'm famished. Frasier: Me, too. Niles and Frasier begin to eat... Martin: You boys still say a prayer before you eat? They relent and pretend they do. All four close their eyes and hold their hands together. As Martin begins his prayer, Niles stares at Daphne as Eddie stares at Frasier. Daphne does not notice with her eyes shut. However, Frasier notices Eddie's skin-creeping look. Martin: We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat. You have blessed our table with your palm. And thank you, Lord, for bringing this family together and we also thank you for the other gifts you have given to us. And may we always be able to share with those less fortunate... Frasier: [to Eddie:] OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING! Niles: [off guard:] I wasn't staring! Martin: [takes what he can get] Amen. They all settle down. Daphne looks at Niles a little suspiciously as he begins the meal conversation. Niles: So Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column today? You were mentioned. Frasier: No, I missed it. Niles: Just as well, it wasn't flattering. Frasier: I still would have liked to have seen it anyway. Niles: Oh, why didn't you say so? [takes it out of his pocket] Daphne: If I may ask, who's Derek Mann? Martin: He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the Times. The things that guys comes out with, sometimes he's really funny - what did he say about you? Frasier: [reading:] "I hate Frasier Crane." Martin: [laughs, then:] Oh, sorry. Frasier: That's it. "I hate Frasier Crane." That's it? Martin: Oh, don't let it bother you. Frasier: Well, actually it doesn't, dad. I knew when I chose a career in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticisms, it's the price I pay for my celebrity. Thank you, Niles, for bringing me the paper, and thank you for highlighting it in yellow! Now, who would like some wine? Daphne: Oh, I'll have some. Frasier goes to pour some as Niles compliments Daphne. Niles: Daphne, this salad is exquisite. Frasier: [sitting down:] Now why would he say that? Martin: Must be the carrots, he always did like them. Frasier: Not the salad, Derek Mann. I mean, why would he write a thing like that? I've never done anything to him, the attack is totally unwarranted. I'm a healer, for God's sake. Martin: Oh, for crying out loud! Frasier: Dad, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs - in the trash. Frasier goes to bin it as Niles tries to stop him. Niles: Oh, oh, there was an article in there I wanted to save. Martin: On what? Niles: Nothing. Martin: Come on, I'm interested. Niles: Oh, let's drop it. Martin: Why can't you tell me? Niles: All right, it was all about Margaret Thatcher's secret for growing prize-winning zinnias. Are you happy? Martin: [beat] Not really. [SCENE_BREAK] OH, YEAH... Scene Two - Radio Station. The following afternoon Frasier is taking a call on air in his booth as Roz listens. Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now, calm down and try and listen to what I'm going to say to you. Will you do that? Lorraine: [v.o:] Okay. Frasier: All right, good girl. Now your problem... Lorraine: [beep] Oh my gosh, another call waiting - someone else is trying to get through. Do you mind if I take it? Frasier: No, no. Go right ahead. [she does] Well, certainly a very interesting situation she's got herself into. Don't you think so, Roz? Roz is busy eating and reading magazines. She has to quickly chew her food, put down her books just for the simple: Roz: Yes. Lorraine: Okay, I'm back. Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you. Your problem seems... Lorraine: [beep] Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back. Frasier: For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is popular. [laughs] Lorraine: Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane. I'm here. [beep] Oh, I don't believe it - another call. Frasier: Hold it there, Lorraine. The reason why you want to take that other call is the same reason that you want to change your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger person for it. Do you follow me, Lorraine? Lorraine: Okay, I'm back! Frasier: Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Well, we've only got two minutes left, so I would like to end today's program on a personal note. As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane". [sarcastic:] What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef t'ouerve: "I Hate Frasier Crane." A lesser critic would have wasted our time by presenting a well thought-out, point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not our Mr. Mann. So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column arrives on your front doorstep - read it, enjoy it, but above all, treasure it. For one day this man will be joining the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky... it'll be one day soon. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [signs off] Frasier presses the off air button, and twirls his microphone around before blowing on it as if it were his weapon, then "holsters" it in his belt. [SCENE_BREAK] YEAH! Scene Three - Café Nervosa. The following afternoon Frasier is drinking a coffee in the café with Roz when Niles enters and sits with him. Niles: Frasier, how funny running into you here. Frasier: I'm always here. Niles: Yes well, you weren't here twenty minutes ago: have you seen today's "Times"? Frasier: [knowing what's coming:] No. Niles: Lucky for you I saved you this copy. Take a look at Derek Mann's column. Frasier: You know, this is the second time in as many days that you have given me a paper. Have you ever considered getting yourself a route? Niles: [to Roz:] Hello, I don't believe we've met. Roz: Yes we have, Niles, three or four times. Roz Doyle. Niles: Oh, of course. It was at the... it was during the... well, I'm far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet? Roz: The radio station. Niles: Ah, I'll take your word for it. Nice to see you again. [then, to Frasier:] Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday. Frasier: So I see. [reading:] "Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism of his radio show. Well, he asked for it, so here goes." Roz: [noticing:] Oh my god, his entire column is about your show. Niles: Not very flattering either. Towards the end he even attacks your "dimwitted sidekick call screener." Roz: [appalled:] That's me! Niles: Oh, now I remember you! Frasier: [reading:] "It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's show - his pompous, sanctimonious style, his constant self- congratulatory references to his own life, or his voice: a mock- sympathetic tone so sickly sweet one wonders if the man graduated from medical school or from some mind-controlling cult." Niles: It's continued on twelve. Frasier: I've read enough! Waiter: [asking:] Can I get you something? Frasier: [to Niles:] How can the man think something like that? Waiter: It's my job, I'm a waiter. Frasier: We don't want anything, thank you. Roz: Frasier, I know this stinks, but in a couple of days it'll blow over. Frasier: Oh, perhaps you're right. As angry as it makes me, to retaliate would be to stoop to his level. So the best response is no response at all. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Radio Station. Soon after these comments he is already shouting into his microphone about the recent newspaper report. Frasier: [angry:] "Pompous and sanctimonious," am I?! Well, this Mann character can't even write grammatical sentences! Every five words there's one of his precious "dot, dot, dots." Must be because he likes writing all those dots with the crayon he writes this drivel in! Roz, who looks like she has been listening to him rant for quite a while, tries to steer him back to the show. Roz: Dr. Crane, on line two we have Stewart who's having a problem with delayed gratification. Frasier: Well, he's just going to have to wait! I don't know who this Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind his newspaper like some sniveling schoolchild cowering behind a tree, then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for what he is: not a man at all, but half a man! [to Roz:] Now what line did you say Stewart was on? Roz: He hung up. Frasier: Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today. Let's see who's on line five. [he presses button:] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening. Derek: [v.o:] Good, because I was listening too. Frasier: And you are? Derek: Derek Mann. Frasier: [regretting:] I see. Derek: Look, nobody calls me half a man - especially some Ivy League twit. So what do you say we settle this like men? Frasier: Are you implying that you want to fight me? Derek: I'm not implying, I'm saying. Frasier: Fight, as in a fist fight? Derek: [sarcastic:] No, I thought we might throw pies at each other! So are you up to it, or aren't you man enough? Frasier: [thinks] We'll be right back after these messages. Frasier signs off for commercials as we fade out. End Of Act One. (Time: 11:05) Act Two. Scene One - Radio Station. The scene resumes where we left off. The commercials have finished and Frasier gets back to his radio show. Frasier: And we're back. Well, we have a surprise caller on the line: Derek Mann. Derek: [v.o:] So what's it going to be, Crane, are you going to fight me or not? Frasier: Oh, you can't be serious. Derek: Just like I figured, you're chicken. Frasier: No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion about that subject? Who do we have on the line? Roz: Well, lines one through eight are people who think you're chicken. Derek: You're chicken, Crane. Admit it! Frasier: I am not chicken! Derek: [squawks like a chicken] Frasier: We are mature thinking people, not cavemen! Derek: [squawks some more] Frasier: Alright, if you want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight! You just say the time and place! Derek: Kinsley square, right outside your office, by the old statue. Noon tomorrow. Don't back out! Frasier: I won't! Don't you back out either because I know where your office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you down! Now who else out there wants a piece of me?! [SCENE_BREAK] ET TU, EDDIE? Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. That evening Martin is searching through his old case as Daphne passes him. Daphne: Having a look at that old murder case again? Martin: Yeah, I've dug out the old crime scene photos. Daphne: Well, don't be a greedy guts - let me have a look. Daphne has a look at the photo of the girl. After a while her psychic powers kick in. Daphne: Her name was Helen. Martin: Yeah, it was. [knowing her trick:] Ah, you must have seen it on some of my papers I've had lying around here. Daphne: No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture. Martin: You're putting me on. Daphne: She had a lot of men in her life. Martin: No kidding: she was a hooker! Daphne: No, I mean she had four brothers. Martin: [surprised:] That's amazing. She did have four brothers. What else are you getting? Well, come on, tell me more. Daphne: I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet. Martin: Give it a try, will you? Please. What else are you getting? Daphne: Nothing. [suddenly:] No, wait. I see a man. Martin: Yeah? Daphne: A well-dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat. Martin: Yeah? Yeah? Daphne: He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the door... At this moment, a well-dressed man enters the apartment wearing wing tips and a trench coat - it's Frasier. Frasier: Hello, everyone. Daphne: Sometimes I get my signals crossed. Frasier: What's going on? Martin: Well - unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve - nothing much! Daphne: We heard your show today. I just loved the way you handled that Derek Mann. Martin: You made your old man proud. Yet the best part was when he challenged you to a fight and you stood right up to him. Frasier: [worried:] Yes I did, didn't I? Martin: I can't wait to see that. Frasier: Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it, dad. Martin: What are you talking about? Frasier: Well, I already won our little war of words. What would I stand to benefit by going through with actually going through with a fist fight? Martin: Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding here... he challenged you and you're backing down? Frasier: Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect to settle their differences. Martin: A man doesn't just turn his tail and run - that's not the way I brought you up. Frasier: Are you encouraging me to fight? Martin: You bet I am - you gave the guy your word. Frasier: Yes, but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even had lunch yet. Martin: I might have known this would have happened. It's Billy Kreizel all over again. Frasier: What did you say? Martin: Something about a Billy Kreizel, I believe. Frasier: I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty years ago. Daphne: Who's this Billy Kreizel? Frasier: Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me! Martin: So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crewcut. Frasier: Well, he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my blazer! Martin: Well, the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight after school. Only "Patches" here didn't show up! Frasier: I had a clarinet lesson! Martin: You don't need to remind me of that! Billy's old man was a cop, too. Boy, the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for years. Every time I couldn't make it out for a drink they used to say, "What's the matter? You got a clarinet lesson?" Daphne: [wondering:] Couldn't you and Billy have met after the clarinet lesson? Frasier: Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment! Daphne: [gets up:] I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a lot in this house. She exits to the kitchen. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier: [sarcastic:] Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you for not fighting Billy Kreizel thirty years ago. But the situation is not the same now. Martin: It's exactly the same. Frasier: I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a certain position in this city - I do not settle my differences with brawling. Martin: The man challenged you and you accepted. Frasier: Dad, I can't believe this. You won't be happy until I come home with a black eye. Martin: I just want you to do what you said you were going to do. You know, you can talk about your medical school, your intellect, your place in this city, but you know what? It's all one big clarinet lesson... I can't even look at you. Martin exits to the kitchen, angry with his son. Frasier is left with little dignity and looks at Eddie for a little support. However, even Eddie turns his face away from him. Frasier can only sulk. [N.B. Billy Kreizel is the name of a boy who bullied director David Lee in the sixth grade.] [SCENE_BREAK] REQUIEM FOR A LIGHTWEIGHT Scene Three - Café Nervosa. The next day, Frasier is preparing for the big fight whilst chatting with Roz. Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me. Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story? Roz: I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned. Frasier: Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight? Roz: Your shoe's untied. [Frasier checks his tied shoes] If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard. Niles: [enters] Frasier, there's quite a crowd forming out there. Secretaries with bag lunches, business men, children with balloons... Frasier: All that's missing is a mariachi band. Niles: They're setting up. Roz: Well, I better go find a great place in the crowd. I'll be off to the left, Frasier, for when you tear his ear off and want to throw it to a beautiful senorita. She leaves the Café. Niles looks at Frasier. Niles: Frasier, as your brother and as your friend - why are you doing this? Frasier: It's Billy Kreizel. Niles: [looking around:] Where? Frasier: [shakes head] He's not here, Niles. It's just that I ran away from him when I was ten. Niles: I remember. Frasier: You know, I've been running ever since. You know, this is where it stops. I'm not running anymore. Niles: What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets? As he says this, he takes his nail file out of his coat pocket and buffs his nails. He blows on them and offers the file to Frasier which he refuses. Frasier: [sarcastic:] Chalk it up to random violence! Niles nods in agreement and exits the café. Martin enters. Martin: Hey, there. Frasier: Dad? What are you doing here? Martin: Look son, I said a couple of things last night that maybe went over the line. Frasier: Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into something that I wasn't ready to do - well, you're wrong. You can relax. I took this on for myself. Martin: Good. Frasier: Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway? Martin: Oh, let's just say a father knows certain things about his son. They smile. Daphne enters. Daphne: Good news, I parked in front of a broken meter. We're getting a freebie. Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight. Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome? Daphne: Actually, yes. But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong. Frasier removes his jacket and tie. Niles comes in. Niles: Frasier, Frasier, there's something I want you to see. [points out of window:] There, the man standing to the left of the statue - I recognize his picture from the newspaper, that's Derek Mann. Frasier: He's gigantic! Daphne: [looking out:] My God, you could show a movie on his back! Martin: Are you sure you want to go through with this? Frasier: Yes, yes I am. Frasier throws a few shadow punches to loosen himself up. Martin: Good, you'll be fine. Just remember this is a street fight and not a boxing match. So fight dirty and throw the first punch! Daphne: I found that a swift knee to the groin usually does the trick. [cocky:] If you have any doubts, check with a fellow in Manchester named Nigel Tavers. Niles: [begins to leave:] Well, if we want an unobstructed view... Frasier: [stops him:] Look, I prefer if you guys stay here. You'll only make me nervous. Martin: Whatever you want. They all wish Frasier good luck. As he exits the mariachi band strikes up. They all move over to the window to look out. Martin: They've got a mariachi band out there! Niles: I'll have to get their card, I need someone for our summer barbeque. Daphne: Oh look, they're starting the fight. Martin: Nah, they're just circling, sizing each other up. Come on, Frasier, if you're going to hit him, hit him now! They all shout encouragements, then police sirens are heard. Niles: Is that the police? Martin: Yeah, what are they doing here? Daphne: They're breaking it up! Just when they were getting started. Shouts are heard from the crowd hurling insults at the police force. The officer marches Frasier right into the Café. Frasier: Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my jacket. Officer: Relax, I'm not arresting you. But I'm warning you that in this town we don't settle our differences with street fights - no matter who you are. Frasier: Well thank you, officer, you'll have no more trouble from me. Officer: Okay. [exits] Frasier: Dad, dad, did you see me? My hands are trembling, my chest is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello... God, I feel great! Martin: You did good. Frasier: Yeah, I was out there. I was raring to go, you saw that... Martin: I know you were. You would have kicked his butt! Daphne: From here to Tacoma. Niles: [shouting:] I think we should celebrate! Everyone, a round of victory lattes on me. As the gang celebrate, Martin walks up to the officer on the door. Martin: Thanks Harry, I owe you one. Officer: No problem, Marty. Martin: You cut it pretty close, though. Another minute, then Frasier would have been sidewalk litter. He would have been lunch meat. Officer: Say, some of the guys are getting together later at Duke's. Why don't you come along? Martin: Yeah, maybe I will. And you know why I will? Because the Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore. Officer: What the hell are you talking about? Martin: [embarrassed:] Oh that's right, you weren't in my precinct. End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:10) [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment: Eddie is sat on a chair staring at a picture of Frasier looking mad. He doesn't take his eyes off him.
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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Lou: I think starbright is a really good fit for her. (Quietly) Because it'll give her a chance to catch up. Catch up? Ms. Wadsworth doesn't think that Katie is ready. She's beautiful. Bob: She's nearing the end of her pregnancy. I like you, Ty, you impress me. Ah, well, you know I already have a job. Well, with this grant I can match what Scott pays. You really gonna do this? You left me no choice. I saw the video, Amy. I saw you kissing Ahmed. I'm not working for Ahmed anymore. So come on, let's take it for a spin before I have to ship it back. (Truck roars) Ty: Whooo! Amy: I'll see you tonight? Ty: Absolutely. (Small laugh) You know, maybe you could just tell Bob Granger that you thought you start work tomorrow not today. Amy: Right? Ty: No... I gotta go. Amy: Okay. We'll see you tonight. Ty: Okay. See ya. Amy: Bye. (Truck door shuts) (Engine starts and hums) (Ty honks) (Hooves thunder) Sandra: Okay. Go easy! That's it, Georgie! Okay. Not bad. Do you wanna work on your "backward thunder"? Georgie: Yeah sure. (Georgie clicks her tongue) (Grunts with effort) I messed up at the end. Can I go again? Sandra: Sorry, Georgie, you've run out of time. There's another girl signed up. But I only had a half hour. Can I just have ten more minutes? Please? I'm never gonna get the practice time I need to audition for the extreme team. Sandra: I can't keep my students waiting. And you've still got plenty of time to get ready for that audition. Don't stress. (Gate clanks and squeaks open) Olivia: Are you finally finished? Georgie: What are you doing here? Olivia: What do you think? I'm taking lessons just like you. Only, Sandra gives me private ones. She says I'm a natural. (Truck rumbles up) Tim: Hi. Casey: Hey Tim! Tim: I heard you were pulling out of town. Casey: Yeah. I got a string of rodeos from longview right through to Southern Montana. So... I'll be gone for a few weeks. Tim: Well, we never got that lunch we talked about. Casey: Well, you never asked so... (Surprised laugh) Tim: This is me asking. (Laughs) Well, that sounds good. Tim: Okay. Casey: Name the date. Tim: Okay. Casey: No pressure. (Laughs) Bye! Lou: Surely the doctor can see her before then? I mean, four months? That's crazy... No. I-I appreciate that you have a waiting list but... but what if there is a cancellation? Yes. No, please, please do let me know. Thank you. Four month wait. Can you believe that? Peter: You know, just because some know it all principal at an overpriced preschool thinks she's not ready does not mean there is anything wrong with our daughter, sweetheart. Lou: Dr. Lauder is the best special education psychologist in the field, honey. I mean, there's no harm in checking, right? Peter: Okay. Yeah, absolutely. I won't mention it again. Lou: How was your class? Jack: Wrong question. Georgie: It sucked! Lou: Hey language... Georgie: Okay. Well, it did. And I barely had any time on Chaplin. And too many people signed up so there weren't enough horses. Oh, and guess who's taking private lessons with Sandra? Georgie: Guess! Lou: I-I don't know. Georgie: Olivia! Lou: Olivia. Great. Georgie: Yep. She couldn't stand that I was doing something she wasn't. So she just had to signed up. And that was the only reason she signed up. Agh. I'm so mad! Hi Katie. Katie: Hi. (Phone rings) Lou: Grandpa, it might be the clinic... Jack: Hello. Hang on, is Amy...? Lou: No. She rode over to Ty's. She'll be back soon. Jack: No, I'm sorry she's riding her horse back from Ty's place. But I'm sure she won't be that long. Right. Have a good one. Who was it? You will never guess. (Hooves thud) (Horse snorts) (Hooves thunder) Ahmed: Hello. I was hoping I would run into you. You look beautiful. S08E04 ♪ And at the break of day you sank into your dream ♪ ♪ You dreamer ♪ oh-oh-oh... ♪ You dreamer ♪ you dreamer Amy: What are you doing here? Why aren't you in Europe with the rest of your team? Ahmed: It's a pleasure to see you too. Amy: (Scoff) I'm sorry it's just... Ahmed: I was compelled to come back. What else could I do? You were ignoring all my emails and texts. Well... Ahmed: And then the truck. I don't understand why you would return the truck. It was a bonus for all your hard work. It was too big of a gesture. I wasn't comfortable with it. Ahmed: It would have been valuable when we are back working at Hillhurst. You wouldn't always be depending on other peoples' vehicles. I'm not coming back to work at Hillhurst. I told you that. No. You said you weren't coming back to the tour. That's not what I said. Now you're saying you don't want to be my head trainer here at Hillhurst? Not possible. Of course you are staying on. No. I'm not. I thought you understood. Why would you walk away from something you excelled at, that you enjoyed. Ahmed, you know why... All right. I admit the circumstances were slightly awkward... before you left France... You're just tired from the tour. When you have time to relax, rethink, you will see things more clearly. Amy: Ahmed... Ahmed: Can I at least accompany you home? (Frustrated sigh) Sure. (Door creaks open) (Birds chirping, howling) Bob: I am freaking out here, man. Four new animals have been dropped off since yesterday! Four! A bear cub that turned up in someone's garbage. Two coyote cubs, and a porcupine that we gotta check for rabies. Ty: Absolutely. Yeah. Bob: Oh, and hey, see that feed shipment that just arrived? Take care of that. Also the llama fence over there looks like the side is sagging. If it is, fix it. Ty: Yeah, I can handle that. Bob: Oh and on top of everything else, the pregnant wolf is about to pop. So take a look at her for me? Will do. Bob: Thanks, bud. Lou: Yes, but are you sure that's necessary? Because I'd really like to see Dr. Lauder not... I understand. Yes, thank you. Tim: Hi. Lou: Oh hi. Dad. Okay, so apparently she should see a special education evaluator if we can't get an appointment with Dr. Lauder. What do you think? Tim: What? Lou: A special education evaluator. It's for Katie. Tim: Oh. Listen, you two, don't stress this. There is nothing wrong with my grand daughter. Thank you, Tim. I couldn't agree more. Tim: That's gotta be a first, general. Tim: Lou. Tim: Ahmed is back. Lou: What?! Now that is a relationship worth nurturing. Lou: Yes, so you've said. Dad. Dad, come back here! Dad... Just wait a second. Tim: Ahmed! Good to see you! Congratulations on a successful tour. Ahmed: Our success was greatly due to your daughter's expertise. Well, I think it calls for a celebration. Why don't join us for dinner tonight? What's do you say? Is it okay, Lou? Ahmed: I would love to, but I will have to take... what do you call it? A rain check. Another evening would be wonderful. Huh. Ahmed: I will talk to you soon, Amy. Ha. Amy: Georgie is that a trick ridding saddle on Phoenix? There's no way. Phoenix is a great horse but he's not a trick riding horse. Phoenix can do anything. Including trick riding. So, Ahmed is back. That's just great, isn't it? Amy: Georgie! You are not trick riding on Phoenix! Georgie: Relax. I'm just getting him used to the saddle! Tim: Lou. Lou. I don't understand why you're ticked off with me for inviting Ahmed to dinner? Lou: Because, it's just... Tim: It's-it's what? It's not very hospitable. Lou: What? I'm not prepared to invite a prince to dinner at the last minute, okay? Tim: I don't-I don't think he'd care, okay? The guy- he's down to earth. Jack: Yeah. For a guy who owns a private jet. Tim: Let's not forget how kind he wad to Amy when she was injured. He was very, very generous. We should all remember that. So I don't see what the problem is. Georgie: Good boy, Phoenix. You like this saddle, don't you? (Phoenix snorts) Whoa! Oof! Amy: Georgie! Come on now, you said you weren't gonna do a trick! You could have really hurt yourself or Phoenix! Georgie: Okay! Okay! Amy: No. It's not okay! You need to learn to think before you make these crazy decisions! Georgie: You should talk. (Georgie clicks her tongue, Phoenix snorts) Amy: You know I'm right. Georgie: You have to talk to Sandra! Maybe she can give me some extra time on Chaplin after school or something. Peter: You got a lot going on after school already. Georgie: Well, I need to practice time or else I'm not gonna make the extreme team. Please can I have private lessons, like Olivia? Peter: No. You can't because we can't afford it, Georgie, okay? And you have to understand that things aren't always gonna go the way you want them to, all right? Georgie: Obviously. (Bowl clanks on the floor) Peter: Oops! Katie: Can you pick up my plate, please! Ty: Sorry, I'm late, everyone. Lou: Honey, it's a bowl. Can you say, pick up my bowl? I just come straight from work, I didn't have time to change there. Amy: How did it go? Ty: It was great! The place is amazing! It's a little disorganized. Nothing we can't whip into shape. I got to baby-sit a bear cub today. Oh, that's what I'm smelling. (Laughs) Georgie: How is the wolf? Ty: She's about ready to have her babies. Yeah-oh, I forgot to look at the llama fence today! Georgie: What? Ty: Shoot! I have to do that tomorrow. Georgie: They have lamas? Ty: Yeah. They do. Georgie: I love lamas. They spit! (Laughing) Tim: So Amy, honey, what's your plan? Amy: What do you mean my plan? Tim: Well, Ahmed is back. So what-what's your plan? Are you gonna head up to Hillhurst? Ty: Ahmed is back in town? I thought he was in Europe with his team. Lou: Does anyone want seconds on the salad? Amy: I'm okay. Tim: I tell you, the guy - he is so friendly, huh? Wasn't he this afternoon? Ty: Oh, you saw him today? Amy: Uh, yeah, I ran into him on the way back from your place. You know what? I made pie. Who's up for coffee and pie? (Screen door creaks shut) Ty: So Ahmed... What was that about? Amy: (Heavy exhale) Take a guess. Ty: He came all the way back here to try and talk you out of your decision? Amy: Yeah. But I set him straight. Ty: That's my girl. Stick to your guns. Ty: I'll call you tomorrow. I gotta work late so I might miss dinner. Amy: Okay. (SUV rumbles) (Knock on door) Jack: Come in. Jack: Ahmed. Welcome back! Ahmed: Hello. Thank you. Jack: Look who's here. Hello. I'm on my way to an auction in Black Diamond. I would love you to come with me. Look over the horses I'm interested in. Give me advice. Jack: Amy's got a great eye that's for sure. Amy: Ah, it's just you know, I can't. I have chores pilling up. Jack: Oh, I'll do your work for you. You should go. Catch up on the tour news. It's just-it's a little short-notice... You know, I'm not ready. Take your time. Okay. Uh, yeah. I'll just need a few minutes. Ahmed, would you mind if Ty came? Ahmed: Not at all. Amy: He's just really good at auctions. Jack: Yeah. Ahmed: I'll wait for you outside. Amy: Okay. Nice to see you, Mr. Bartlett. Jack: You too. Have fun. Ahmed: Thank you. (Door shuts, dialing beeps) Ahmed: There's one animal in particular that is interesting to me. A belgian warmblood. Incredible lineage. I look forward to your opinion. Amy: Yeah, of course. Amy: So... did I tell you about the new business that Ty has started? He and a partner are buying rodeo prospect horses. and training them. They're actually really good at it. I've been helping train some of the horses. (Phone chimes) Excuse me. (Phone beeps on) Hello, Ty. Ty: I can't meet you. Bob just called. He's got called out on an emergency pick up. So I need to go into work right now. I'm sorry. But you can deal with him though, right? Amy: Yeah. Of course. Absolutely. I love you. Ty: Okay. Love you. Ahmed: Everything all right? Amy: Yeah, um, Ty just can't come. He got called into work. (Door slams shut) All I remember is it was crazy back than. Casey: Well, you were crazy. You had partied and rodeoed and then partied some more. Thanks for this, by the way. This is so much better than a restaurant. Tim: From a restaurant. (Casey giggles) Casey: So that year... You just won your 3rd consecutive all round cowboy trophy, right? (Chuckles) Oh. Your 4th? Who's counting? Do you remember that big dance after stampede? And nobody went home until noon the next day. Tim: Yeah, yeah. I don't remember that. (Casey chuckles) You know what I remember? And what I miss? It's the atmosphere. You know, once that gets in your blood... Casey: Well, if you really do miss it, maybe you should come with me on my rodeo tour. (Chuckles) That atmosphere still exists. There's nothing like it. I don't know. Lou: There was a cancellation? Fantastic. No. Absolutely, we can make it. Thank you for letting me know. Peter: Here we go. Dr. Lauder's office, there is a cancellation. Peter: I gathered that. Lou: They can see Katie in an hour. Honey, he is so hard to get into. You know he has a huge- Peter: Waiting list. Yeah, I know you told me. Um, I guess that's why he's the best. Lou: I'm just saying, he can give us a reliable opinion on Katie. I don't see why you're fighting me on this? He's a really good doctor. Katie: No doctor! Lou: Katie? Katie! Honey... (Katie slams the door) Ty: Oh great. They're out! C'mon, guys! Go this way! No. No. No. No! Here we go! Here we go! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! It's okay. (Llama spits) Oh! What was that?! Aghhh! [SCENE_BREAK] Amy: Oh! Oh! You missed your turn. The auction is that way. Ahmed: We're going to make a small detour. I have something else I need your advice on. Lou: Come on, Katie, we really have to go now. Katie: No, mamma. Lou: (Sighs) Okay. Honey, it's gonna be really, really fun. You can colour pictures and play with toys. Katie: No needles. Lou: No needles. I promise. Lou: Look. You can bring Mookie if you want. Do you wanna bring Mookie? Katie please. (Sighs) (Hooves thunder) Sandra: Nice work! All right, Georgie, you're up. Georgie: All right. (Clicks tongue) (Hooves thunder) Sandra: That was great! You're doing really well. Now with just a little bit more practice... That's the problem. I can't practice. It's not that I don't have the time. It's that I don't have a horse. Chaplin isn't available very often. I know. But what can I say? He's a popular horse, Georgie. All the girls want their lessons on him. Olivia: Nice, huh? My dad just got him for me yesterday. His name is winner and that's just what I intend on doing. (SUV rumbles) (Buttons click) (Tires crunch) (Birds chirp) Amy: Wow. Is this a hotel? Ahmed: No. No. A private residence. What do you think? Amy: It's amazing... It's huge... Ahmed: Not really. Just over 13,000 square feet. I'm thinking of buying it. I'd be glad to get your honest opinion about it. You know I value it on everything... not just auction horses. Hmm? Come. I want to show you around. It's quite impressive. Amy: Yeah. Ahmed: 147 acres. Totally private. Took them years to landscape it. Everything had to be brought in. Apparently in the summer this is a massive rose garden. The best in Alberta I'm told. And the views are spectacular. Don't you think? Amy: It's beautiful. I've really never seen anything like it. Your house in France is incredible. It is. But I feel the need to put down some roots here as well. And I'll show you the inside too. And the stables. I think you will love the stables. I'm happy to see you're wearing my necklace. Well, this is from the team. No, it was from me. I bought it alone for you. You see, Amy. I want to give you things. I've never wanted to give anything to any other person in my life. Ahmed, please... Ahmed: No. Hear me out. I'm a man who has been accused of being... unfeeling. I'm not proud of it. It was simply the way I was raised. Emotion doesn't come easily to me. But I know it now. How it feels. And I must tell you because I'm not sure I will ever feel this way again. Amy: Ahmed... Ahmed: No. It has to be said. You have to know. I'm in love with you. You see, Amy... I've been feeling this way for a very, very long time. Amy, please, listen to me. You are the only woman ever in my life that I can be completely myself with. The only woman that will tell me the truth about myself. The only woman I have ever had feelings for in such a strong undeniable way. Amy: Ahmed, I'm flattered. I really am, but this can't happen, okay? We can be friends, but-but that's it. I'm engaged. I'm in love with Ty. Ahmed: Are you? Amy: Yes! Ahmed: Then why did you kiss me? Amy: I-I didn't kiss you. You kissed me. You gave me every reason to. I don't make a habit of kissing random girls. Amy: If I gave you that impression, I am sorry. But I thought I made it perfectly clear that night how I felt. That we are friends and team mates, and nothing more. You know, Ahmed, I really enjoyed and valued our relationship, but given the circumstances, we need to end this. Look, I think it's fair to either of us to continue. I need some distance. Some distance. All right. Of course. I understand. Amy: Do you? Ahmed: Yes. I will drive you home. (Wolf groans in discomfort) Ty: Whoa, whoa, easy girl. Easy. I'm not gonna hurt you. She's fighting me a bit. That's a good sign. She's got her strength back. She's hydrated. And she's looking a lot better than when I first saw her. Bob: I know. Well, that's why I hired you. Hey... good girl. (Panting) Lou: So you were pretty quiet the whole way home. What did you think? Peter: Uh, that it was a complete waste of time and energy to be honest with you. We did it, right? So... Good. Find out soon. Lou: Okay? Hey honey... (SUV rumbles) Ahmed: I want you to know I meant every word I said. Perhaps you should take some time to think. Amy: I am sorry, but there's nothing for me to think about. Ahmed: Amy, I think you have to open your mind to life's possibilities. I know what I want in life. And I already have it. Goodbye Ahmed. Lou: He said that? He actually said that he loved you? Amy: Yes. He did! Lou: Oh Amy... Amy: Lou, I know I never gave him any signs that we were more than just co-workers, or friends... I don't think I did anything to lead him on. And I've asked myself that over and over again. Look, we were friends, okay? Just friends. And I told him that the night of the party. And I didn't think he listen to me. I don't think he listened to me today! I don't know what to do, okay? I have no idea. And... do I tell Ty? Lou: No! Do not tell Ty, okay? You've tried that in the past and it didn't work out. I know, but Lou... Amy, just deal with this Ahmed situation as swiftly and smoothly as you can on your own. Be firm with him and he will go away. And then everything will go back to normal. I want that. I just don't wanna hurt Ty. You know, I love him so much. And I don't want... (Georgie sobs) Lou: You know Ahmed is just used to getting exactly what he wants. Don't worry, okay? Georgie: It's all my fault. Lou: No! Georgie! (Georgie slams door) Peter: What's that all about? Lou: Pour me a glass of wine and I'll tell you all about it. (Sobbing) Amy: Georgie. Hey... There's no reason to cry. It's not your fault. Georgie: Yes it is. Amy: How? Georgie: Because I was the one who found the video. Amy: You did? Georgie: Yes, I followed your tour online. And it was on some stupid blog. Amy: But I thought Lou... Georgie: I'm the one who showed her... And I should have kept it to myself! I am so sorry. Amy: No. You have no reason to apologize. Georgie: But I blamed you for what happened at that party. It was all that stupid Ahmed's fault. I am so sorry. Will you ever forgive me? Of course. It's okay. (Birds chirp) Jack: So how did the appointment go? Lou: The doctor said he would let us know. He seemed pretty noncommittal. Jack: Hmm. See, it's my opinion that you know, people they look at this stuff and get all wrought up about it before they even know if there is anything really wrong. Okay, grandpa... I have a sore knee today, Lou. And I bet if I looked up "sore knee" on the Internet I'd find a bunch of articles and opinions that end up making me think I have to have my whole damn leg cut off at the hip. I'm just arming myself, okay? In case... You're scaring yourself, Lou. If there's a problem, which I very much doubt, you and Peter, you'll work it out. We all will. A word to the wise... take that Internet stuff with the grain of salt. It betrays as much as it enlightens. Lou: Were there any messages on the home line? Georgie: Just one. From guess who? Olivia. Lou: What did she want? Georgie: I don't know, I didn't call her back. But did I tell you that her parents bought her her very own trick riding horse? Lou: Really? Well, that will free up some time on Chaplin. Georgie: Not really. I mean, there's a line up of kids waiting to ride Chaplin. So, she's got her own trick riding horse when I don't even have a trick horse to practice on. Lou: Honey... Ty: Hey there! Amy: Hey... Ty: Our mamma wolf is about to give birth tonight. So I might have to take off early. Amy: Oh, okay. Ty: This looks good. Amy: Uh... Hey, you don't happen to know a trick riding horse that's orphaned, do you? Ty: Hmm. I don't know. Maybe. I'll give Caleb a call. See what's he's got on the go. Georgie: Really? That'd be awesome! Tim: Hey, look who's coming to dinner! Well, now that you have all that experience from the tour, Amy I think you can name your price when it comes to training, but you owe a lot of thanks to Ahmed here. He's the one who took the leap of faith. It wasn't a leap of faith. I was quite confident that Amy had the knowledge and the personality to excel at being a head trainer. And I was proven right. I do hope that it increases the quality of your clientele, I also hope it will not interfere with the time you allow me at Hillhurst. Amy: Ahmed, I told you, that's not really part of my plan. Ty: I think Amy made it very clear, she isn't working for you anymore. She works with horses that really need her. Not the high end animals you deal with. She's getting back to her roots. Ahmed: Back to her roots... that's not the best plan for a profitable career. Ty: Well, I think that's Amy's business. Amy: Okay Ty. Ahmed: Well, I think that you should be encouraging her to move forward, not backward. Ty: I don't think it's your business to have an opinion at all. Tim: I don't-I don't think that Amy has made up her mind yet, have you, honey? Amy: Yes dad. I've made my decision. Tim: Well, Ahmed has been very generous. Georgie: Actually he's not generous! He's fake and a liar. You don't understand. Peter: Hey! Hey! Lou: That's enough... Peter: Georgie, stay out of it! He's pretending to be friends with all of us just so he can steal Amy away from Ty. Peter: Honey... Georgie: He told Amy he loved her, Ty. Amy: Oh... Georgie: He did! I hate you! Peter: Hey, Georgie. Excuse me. I got it. Ty: Okay, what is she talking about? Ahmed: I have no idea. Lou: Yes, you do. You know what? I've seen it from the first with you. Trying to buy Amy's love with fancy necklaces and trucks and horses. I'm sorry, but who do you think you are? Amy: Lou! No. Ahmed: Excuse me? Lou: No. No. You may think you're in love with my sister but you're not. Lou: If you did, you would respect Amy and Ty's relationship and not try to ruin it. Ty: Okay, what the heck is going on? Ahmed: Amy, tell him. Amy: Tell him what? I told you I quit, but you don't listen. Look, I ended our relationship. Ty: Relationship?! What relationship?! Amy: Whoa, whoa! Our working relationship... Ty-I have... Look, I quit a million times! But you only hear what you wanna hear! Jack: Think it would be a good idea if you left. Ahmed: Gladly. I certainly don't need to listen to this. Amy: No, Ty, just leave it. Hey, when did all this happen? Tell me! Ahmed: I don't need to answer to you. Ty: Oh, yes, you do. Was it right from the start? Was it when you gave her that damn saddle? Huh? Ty: Was it?! Ahmed: Don't touch me! Ty: Where do you get off telling her that you love her? Ahmed: Of course I love her. I would do anything for her. And you! All you do is hold her back. You will be the man that prevents her from a future you have no idea how to even imagine! She could have anything! You will stand in her way! (Forceful grunt) Amy: Ty! Ahmed: You can't do that to me! Ahmed: Oof! (Landing a punch) Ty: Yes, I can... Jack: C'mon now! Ease off... Ahmed: Get off me! Jack: Enough! Enough! (Gathering breaths) Ahmed: After all I did for you, this is how you want to leave things?! (Retreating footsteps) (Calming breaths) (Door slams, truck starts and rumbles away) Amy: Ty... Ty: What was that about? Were you ever gonna tell me? Amy: There was nothing to tell! It was all in his head! I don't even know what to say to you right now! You always do this to me. Amy: Do what? Ty: Secrets, Amy. You keep these damn secrets! Amy: Look, he thought that we were more than friends, I told him we weren't! It's not my fault! I can't help that he thought we were more than friends! Ty: I don't care what happened. I don't care, Amy! Amy: Nothing happened! Ty: Whatever did happen, you weren't about to tell me! And I had to face off with this damn idiot! When are you gonna be straight with me, Amy? Huh? I've just about had it! Amy: What do you mean by that? (Phone rings) (Beeps phone on) Ty: Bob. Okay. Yeah. I'm on my way. (Beeps phone off) The wolf is about to give birth. (Footsteps crunch) (Truck door slams) Amy: Ty! Wait! (Truck rumbles away) (Sighs) (Door slams shut) Lou: Honey, you okay? Georgie: I'm sorry, Amy. Lou: It's okay. Let's just give her some space, okay? (Door slams) Tim: I didn't know. Nobody told me a thing. You think I would have invited the guy for dinner? (Sighs) I didn't know, Jack. (Birds chirp) Ty: Easy. Her heart rate's dropping. (Wolf whimpers) Ty: Yeah. Her gums are pale too. Bob: She maybe be bleeding internally. Ty: Shift over. Bob: It's okay. It's okay. Easy now. (Wolf whimpers) Her pups are coming... Tim: Hey. Casey: Hey. Casey: For you. Tim: (Sighs) Thank you. Casey: You're welcome. (Tim sighs heavily) Casey: You okay? Tim: I messed up. Nobody... If I just known... You know, if people just... filled me in. Casey: Well, sometimes these things can't be helped. Tim: So were you serious when you asked if I... would go on a rodeo tour with you? Casey: Yeah. Yes, I was. Tim: All right. I'm going. Bob: At least we saved one of them. (Pup whimpers) (Phone rings) Hello. Oh yes. Really? That is good news. That is very good news. Uh, how did she score on her phonological processing? (Relived) Really? That good? Yes, thank you for calling. Bye. (Beeps phone off) Uh, that was Dr. Lauder's office, and um, Katie is fine, honey. She's just fine. Georgie: Wow! I can't believe it! Jack: Yep. Courtesy of Caleb. She how flashy she looks. Now this is a trick riding horse if ever I saw one. Georgie: Awww. Ty: I'm glad Caleb came through for you? Georgie: Thanks, Ty, so she's beautiful. Ty: I'm glad you like her. Can I just say something... It was me who saw the video. And I never should have told anyone about it. Ty: What video? Georgie: I-I thought Amy told you. Jack: In the barn. Amy: Ty! I tried to call you... I'm so, so sorry about last night. How's the wolf? Ty: We lost her. Amy: I'm sorry. Ty: Yeah. I don't get it. She seemed to be in pretty good shape. (Exhales) I did everything, but... I lost her. One of the pups survived. He seems to be doing fine. So far. Amy: There's something I think you should see, something that started this whole mess. Ty: Some video? Georgie just told me. Amy: I should have never kept it from you. Ty: I don't wanna see it. I don't want to see anything, Amy. Amy: No. I want you to see it. And right after that I pushed him away. And I told him that we were just friends. And I-I thought he got it. But like I said, Ahmed only hears what he wants to hear. Ty: Well, I guess I do too. Amy: What does that mean? Well, I guess I've been convincing myself that we're good. But I'm not so sure right now. Amy: Ty, we... we are good. Ty: Amy, listen to me. I have to say this, okay? You've changed. How have I changed? You just have. You're not the same girl. Yes, I am. I am the same. No. You're not. You used to be this girl who... You used to be this girl who would do anything to save a horse when everyone else was writing off as a lost cause. You rescued them. You fought for them. You fixed them! Where has that gone? Now you're just servicing rich people's horses. What is that? They don't need rescuing! They don't need you. And that video... I just watched a wolf and her pup die... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Ty: Now you're showing me this video with people partying, and living it up and... I guess that was your life over there. I just don't feel like I know you anymore... And now this Ahmed thing is... Amy: There was no Ahmed thing. (Sharp exhale) I think we need a break. We need to figure this out... on our own. No. Ty, come on! I love you so much. And I love you too... I do Amy. But we need some time to figure out what it is that we want. What you want. I know what I want. Maybe. But sometimes we lose things and no matter how hard we try to hold on or without even knowing it... we've lost it. No. No... Please... Ty no... ♪ And I... ♪ will swallow my pride ♪ You're the one that I love ♪ and I'm saying goodbye ♪ Say something I'm giving up on you ♪ ♪ And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you ♪ ♪ Anywhere, I would've followed you ♪ ♪ Ohhh-ohhh-ohhh... ♪ Say something I'm giving up on you ♪ Announcer: Heartbreak on heartland. What? It's not like he came to see me. Announcer: Now it's up to Georgie to put things right. It's all my fault. We're still good, right? Nothing's changed. Everything's changed. Announcer: An all-new heartland, next Sunday at 7:00 on CBC
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[Gilbert's House] (Elena is in her bed but she can't sleep) (She's in the kitchen. Connor appears behind her) Connor: Can't sleep? (She turns herself but he's not here. She looks around. He reappears) Connor: You know... It makes sense. Guilty conscience Elena: You're not here. I'm... I've got to be dreaming Connor: Then how do you know that I'm not here? Elena: Because you're... Connor: Come on. Say it Elena: Because you're dead Connor: Yes. I am. Was that the first time that you've taken a human life? Elena: You're a ghost. It's got to be... You're a ghost. That's... that's what's happening right now. Jeremy. Jeremy! (He wakes up) Elena: You're a ghost. You're haunting me. You're a ghost. You're haunting me Connor: Can a ghost do this? (He strangles her from behind. She punches him with her elbow and then pushes him on the table. He gets up and comes back toward her. She takes a knife and stabs him in the neck. She removes the knife. It was Jeremy) Elena: Oh my god! Oh! Jer! Jer! (He collapses) Elena: Jer! Jer! No, no, no! No! No. No, Jer! Jeremy! (Jeremy is on the couch, still dead. Elena and Damon are with him) Elena: I can't believe this happened. What... what am I going to say to him? Damon: Thanks for not ditching the family ring after it drove Ric crazy? You should have called Stefan Elena: I don't want to talk to him. He's been lying to me, and hiding things from me. He compelled Jeremy to forget God knows what Damon: In all fairness, I mean, I think you killing him kind of trumps that. I mean, you should have called Stefan Elena: I don't trust him right now, Damon (Stefan enters) Stefan: Hey Damon: P.S... I called Stefan Stefan: What happened? Why didn't you call me? Elena: I just... I need to go upstairs and shower. Clean all the blood off my hands (She goes upstairs and Jeremy wakes up) Stefan: Welcome back. How you feeling? Jeremy: What happened? Damon: Long story. Buy the e-book (Stefan goes in Elena's bedroom. She's there) Stefan: Elena? Hey. Listen, I know you're still upset about yesterday, and I get it. Believe me. But just... let me help you Elena: I don't want your help right now, Stefan Stefan: But you'll accept Damon's? Elena: Don't make this about Damon! You've been working with Klaus doing God knows what, and don't insult me by trying to deny it Stefan: Listen, it's not what you think, ok? Elena: I don't know what to think but I do know that I don't want to talk to you and I don't really want to be around you right now Stefan: Look, please, just... Elena: No. This is my brother's blood on my hands, Stefan. I stabbed him in the neck last night, so forgive me if I'm not in the mood to listen you try to talk your way out of this (She goes in the bathroom and slams the door) [Lockwood's Mansion] (A hybrid pours alcohol to Haley. Tyler enters and she looks at him, smirking) Tyler: You're still going? I drank enough last night. And then I slept, which is what you guys should have done Hybrid: We're just paying our respects to Dean Tyler: That's great, Chris, but would you pay them at a bar instead? Haley: Don't be mad. We're celebrating our fallen hybrid friend (She makes him drink but he doesn't want to. She wipes his mouth with her finger and then sucks her finger, looking at him. Klaus enters) Klaus: Well, don't let me interrupt Tyler: I didn't know you were here Klaus: Clearly. Thought I'd just pop 'round to celebrate Dean's successful retrieval of the vampire hunter. Yet when I arrived, I learned that not only was Dean unsuccessful, but that Elena killed the hunter Haley: Well, maybe if you had let Dean use force on Connor instead of sending him in on a suicide mission... Klaus: Maybe you should mind your business, wolf girl Tyler: What do you care if Connor's dead, anyway? Klaus: I have my reasons. They have ceased to matter. Cheers (He drinks. Someone knocks on the door. Tyler opens. It's Caroline. She gives him a box) Caroline: Brought your stuff. Old laptop, your Jersey, the charm bracelet Tyler: Car... This isn't a good time Caroline: Just take it (Klaus rejoins them) Klaus: Caroline. By the break-up drama unfolding before me, I assume you've met Haley. All right, come on, let's go. Let's leave them alone. Your talents are needed elsewhere Tyler: For what? Klaus: I think you've got more important things to deal with, mate (He leaves, his hybrids following him. Caroline looks at Haley and closes the door. Then she smiles do does Haley) Caroline: Do you think he bought it? Haley: Hell, I bought it Caroline: Thanks for the head's up that he was here, Haley Tyler: You girls are good liars (Then he kisses Caroline and Haley looks at them) [Gilbert's House] (Elena is in the shower. Suddenly, the water becomes blood. She looks at the water but it's normal. She looks ah the shower and there's blood. She takes a towel and gets out) (Damon is in the kitchen, cleaning. Stefan enters) Damon: Where'd Jeremy go? Stefan: School. Bonnie has him volunteering for some occult exhibit Damon: Or maybe he didn't want to linger in a house where his sister just jammed a knife in his neck (Stefan's phone rings. He looks at it) Stefan: It's Klaus Damon: Ooh, time to face the music, pay the piper, dance with the devil Stefan: You know, I'm glad you find this amusing. If he finds out I told you about the cure, he'll kill both of us Damon: Quit avoiding him. You're being shady. Shady people get outed (Stefan answers) Stefan: I don't want to talk about it Klaus: Well, I can't imagine why, what with you ruining all my plans for a hybrid-filled future Stefan: Well, it wouldn't happened if you hadn't sworn me to secrecy Klaus: Life's full of ifs, Stefan. Let's extenuate the positives, shall we? The hunter was one of five. We'll find another. It may take centuries, but we've got nothing but time, right? Stefan: You're using your calm voice today. Who's getting killed? Klaus: Not you, if that's what you're worried about. But I am concerned about your beloved. Have the hallucinations started yet? (Stefan looks at Damon) Stefan: What do you know about that? Klaus: I'll tell you. Where you are? Stefan: I'm at her house Klaus: How convenient. So am i (He arrives at the house and knocks on the door) (Stefan opens the door and goes out) Klaus: You know, this would all be a lot more civilized if I was just invited inside Stefan: Bad enough I'm out here talking to you. What do you know? Klaus: I killed the Original five hunters, remember? When one kills a hunter, there's a bit of a consequence Stefan: What kind of consequence? Klaus: Hunters were spelled by witches to kill vampires. If you prevent one from fulfilling his destiny, then he'll take you down with him Stefan: What do you mean? Connor's dead Klaus: I mean, Connor's death won't prevent him from making Elena his final vampire kill. She'll need to come with me now. I'll lock her up; keep her away from any sharp, wooden objects Stefan: She's not going anywhere with you Klaus: But if we leave her alone, she'll take her own life before the day is out Stefan: She's stronger than that Klaus: Is she? Believe me, it's for her own good (Elena is in her bedroom, dressing up. She looks at herself in the mirror and then opens a drawer. Connor is behind her. She surprised and turns herself. He touches the blood on his neck) Connor: Would you like some? You seem to enjoy it when you drink from me Elena: I wasn't myself. I was angry Connor: Were you yourself when you snapped my neck with your bare hands? Elena: You staked me! Connor: 'Cause you're a monster and you deserve to die. Admit it! Elena: No (She enters the kitchen. Damon's there but when he gets up, it's Connor) Elena: Damon... Connor: Decomposition starts in the first 24 hours. I'm rotting in an unmarked grave because of you Elena: No! (She runs and Damon looks at her) Damon: What's wrong? Elena! (She gets out. Klaus turns himself. He takes her and disappears. Damon comes out and looks at Stefan) [Mystic Falls' High School] (Jeremy looks at the tattoo on his hand. Matt rejoins him) Jeremy: Hey, do you see anything on my hand? What if I told you I saw the beginning of a mark like Connor's? Matt: Are you serious? Jeremy: It showed up after he died. He told me that I was a potential; that that's why I could see his mark Matt: So what does that make you, like the next chosen one or something? (April rejoins them) April: Hey, guys (She's holding a big roc) Matt: Hey April (Shane's there too) Shane: Way to let her do the heavy lifting. I found her wandering the hallways with this. Just teasing. I'm the guy who wrangles all the freaky stuff, Atticus Shane. Please, call me Shane, I beg you. Thank you guys for helping, I really appreciate it. Y'all get free admission to my free exhibit (He smiles and leaves. April look at them) April: Why does he look so familiar? Jeremy: No idea April: Hey, um, have you guys seen Rebekah? She said she was going to help me look into what caused the explosion at my dad's farm, and then she just... Matt: Disappeared, yeah, I know [Gilbert's House] Bonnie: You lost her?! Damon: Well, "lost" is a very strong word. We just technically don't know where she is Stefan: I'm more worried about what Klaus said about this hunter's curse Bonnie: How does Klaus even know about this? Damon: How does Klaus know anything? The guy's like a billion year's old Stefan: He said it was a witch's curse Bonnie: You know if I could do anything to help, I would, but I... Damon: But nothing. Wave your magic wand, hocus pocus, be gone, hunter, ghosts, whatever Bonnie: The spirits won't let me do the magic I need to break the curse. But I can ask Shane for help. He knows everything about everything Stefan: Great. You two do your thing Damon: Where you going? Stefan: To get her back (He leaves) [Klaus' Mansion] (Chris opens the door to a room and Klaus enters with Elena, holding her) Elena: Let go of me! Klaus: Certainly (He lets go of her) Klaus: I apologize for the lack of windows. It's to preserve the art. And, of course, to prevent you from taking off your daylight ring and burning yourself to death in the sun Elena: I'm not going to kill myself. I would never do that Klaus: Oh, but you'll want to. I did. Problem is, I'm immortal Elena: You went through this? Klaus: Yes, I did. For 52 years, four months and nine days. I was tormented... In my dreams. My every waking moment. Relentless, never-ending torture. It was the only period of my life when I actually felt time Elena: So you knew that this would happen if Connor died. That's why you got involved. Did Stefan know, too? Klaus: All he knew was that the hunter had to be kept alive. You should have listened to him when he said he had it covered, love Elena: What else does Stefan know? Klaus: Well, that's one of life's little mysteries, isn't it? Elena: How did you make it stop? Klaus: I didn't. Eventually it just stopped. The hallucinations tend to appear in strange forms. Don't say I didn't warn you [A road] (Stefan is on the phone with Caroline) Stefan: He's got Elena. I need Tyler to get the other hybrids away so I can get her out. I know I'm probably asking the impossible, but... Caroline: Actually... You're not [Lockwood's Mansion] (Stefan is in the living room with Tyler and Caroline) Tyler: Haley is the one that helped me break the sire bond. She showed me what to do. How to help. When she showed up here, I thought it was just coincidence. But it turns out she's been helping one of them. Her friend Chris. And she came to help us get the rest of them out from under Klaus Stefan: So... Are you telling me that Chris isn't sired anymore? Caroline: That's exactly what he's telling you [Klaus's Mansion] (Chris enters Elena's room with some stuff) Chris: Clothes, toothbrush. Klaus said you're going to be here until he figures out where to put you Elena: Just please go away (Chris leaves but Connor appears) Connor: I can't. I'm going to be with you forever. A constant reminder of what you've become. So tell me. How did it feel to drain the life out of me? Elena: It was horrible. It was the worst thing that I've ever done Connor: You're lying Elena: No, I'm not Connor: Yes, you are. Tell the truth Elena: I am telling the truth Connor: You're lying Elena: Fine! I liked it. I loved the taste of your blood. Are you happy? Connor: I'm not happy, Elena. I'm dead. Did you know I had a family? A brother? Parents Elena: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry Connor: Are you sorry about your parents? It's your fault they died Elena: Don't Connor: They ran off Wickery Bridge with you in the car, but they weren't supposed to be there, were they? They died because of you. You know I'm not going to stop until you've taken your last miserable breath Elena: I'm not going to let you do this to me Connor: Then get rid of me. Kill yourself. You never wanted to be a vampire in the first place. Now look at what you've become. A monster. And you deserve to die. You don't want to listen to me? Fine (Katherine appears) Katherine: Then how about you and I have a little chat Elena: Katherine? Katherine: Did you miss me? [SCENE_BREAK] [Mystic Falls' High School] (It's professor's Shane exhibit) Shane: You're looking at what people believe to be the world's first tombstone. This item was donated to Whitmore college last month (April, Matt and Jeremy are listening) April: Oh, I just remembered how I know him. Through my dad Matt: That guy knew your dad? April: Yeah. He taught a theology seminar at Whitmore last year Shane: ...belonged to a very powerful witch. A witch so powerful, in fact, that Silas... That was his name... Created a spell that would grant him... Immortality. Now legend says that Silas did the spell with the help of a lady witch who loved him, a woman named Qetsiyah. Sadly for Qetsiyah, Silas wanted to give immortality to another woman. So Qetsiyah killed her and buried Silas alive, leaving him powerless, immortal, and alone. This might actually be the origin story of hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (Damon and Bonnie are here) Damon: You got this? Bonnie: Yeah. I'll bring him to you Shane: Now it's said that Silas wants to rise again. Regain his power. Wreak havoc on the world. Maybe we should be afraid. Or maybe it's all a bunch of crap and that's just an old rock. All right, listen, enjoy exploring the exhibit. I'll be around to answer any questions. Thank you for coming (He rejoins Bonnie) Shane: Hey. You made it Bonnie: Nice cautionary tale. Qetsiyah sounds like a bad ass Shane: Nothing compared to Silas [Klaus' Mansion] Katherine: Ugh, don't you ever stop crying? Poor Elena, always the victim. Except now you're a killer. What does Stefan think of the new you? Elena: Shut up Katherine: The girl he fell in love with is gone, you know. You're like me now. Maybe worse Elena: I made a mistake. I can do better Katherine: No. You can't. You're a vampire. You'll kill again. It'll change you, and it'll keep changing you until you're just like me Elena: I am nothing like you Katherine: I was you before you even existed. And when Stefan knew the real me... He hated me. Now he's going to hate you, too. Well, at least you still have Damon Elena: Shut up! [Mystic Falls' High School] (Damon is sitting in Alaric's classroom, at his desk. He takes a bottle in a drawer and drinks) Damon: You're missing all the adventure, pal (Bonnie and Shane enter) Bonnie: Shane, this is my friend Damon. He's kind of an expert on this stuff, too Damon: I audited your class. It's very enlightening Shane: That's right, I remember you. What's your specialty? Damon: The origin of the species Shane: Oh, I think Darwin would arm wrestle you for that distinction Damon: Not that species Shane: You're into the monster stuff. All right, awesome Damon: I was kind of hoping that you might have stumbled upon this at some point... Maybe (He gives him a paper. Shane opens him. Bonnie looks at him) Shane: This is the hunter's mark. Where did you get this? Damon: Came to me in a dream. You know anything about the hunter's curse? Shane: Why, you got a dead hunter in the trunk of your car or something? Damon: Metaphorically speaking Shane: Legend says that if a hunter is killed by that which he hunts, then that person will be cursed to walk the earth and torment them till... Bonnie: Until... Shane: Until a new hunter's awakened and their legacy's passed on. They're called "potentials" (Damon takes his phone) Shane: Listen, I have a bunch of research on it, why don't I go grab it for you Damon: That would be great. Hey, thanks (Shane leaves) Bonnie: How are we supposed to find a potential hunter? Damon: Yeah, about that... (He's on the phone) Damon: Little Gilbert. Your services are needed [Klaus' Mansion] (Chris is in the living room with Tyler and Stefan) Tyler: Thanks for meeting us Chris: Yeah, well, make it fast. Klaus will be back soon Tyler: No, he won't [Mystic Grill] (Klaus is at the bar, drinking wine. Caroline rejoins him) Caroline: Place looks pretty good considering your hybrid got blown up in it Klaus: Caroline. To what do I owe the pleasure? Caroline: I want you to give Elena back Klaus: Ahh. They sent you to sweet talk me. Well, good form, but I'm afraid I can't do it Caroline: Why not? Klaus: She needs my help. Look, I'm not going to burden you with the gory details. I know you have enough on your plate already Caroline: That's none of your business, actually Klaus: Yes, well, just know that if Tyler was still sired to me, he never would have hurt you. I wouldn't have let him. Can I at least offer you a drink? Caroline: Yeah. Thanks (He smiles) [Klaus' Mansion] (Stefan and Tyler are still there) Stefan: All you need to do is give me access to Elena and I'll take it from there Tyler: Please, man. Help us, and then you can disappear. You'll be free Chris: Yeah, until Klaus sends one of his other hybrids after me Tyler: Haley and I got your back. We'll make sure nothing happens (Elena has her eyes closed. Katherine has reappeared) Katherine: You were such a good girl when you were a human. Always willing to sacrifice yourself for your friends. Except, weren't they usually the ones that ended up getting hurt? Elena: I never wanted that Katherine: Bonnie lost her grams because of you. Her mom almost turned into a vampire because of you. You know, she probably secretly hates you. Did you ever think of that? I bet she'd be relieved if you were gone Elena: I'm not going to kill myself Katherine: Why not? Your very existence brings people nothing but pain. I mean maybe it was worth it when you were worth it. But you're nothing now. You're a monster, Elena. You deserve to die (Chris rejoins the 2 hybrids guarding Elena) Chris: Klaus said you two have to go to Tyler Hybrid: Why Chris: Something about his girl Caroline. I'll take over here (He looks at the hallway. Stefan rejoins him. Chris gives him the key) (Elena is sitting on the floor. Stefan enters) Stefan: Elena. Hey (She sees Connor instead of Stefan) Elena: No. No, no, no Stefan: Hey, it's me Elena: No, stay... Stay away from me Stefan: Let me help you (She breaks a post from the bed and rushes over him) Stefan: No, Elena, stop! (But she sees Connor instead. She pushes him against the wall and stabs him in the gut. She leaves) [Mystic Falls High School] (Bonnie and Damon are in the cafeteria) Bonnie: How did I not know any of this stuff about Jeremy? Damon: The witch who loses her powers gets left out of the important conversations (Jeremy rejoins them) Jeremy: Is everything ok?! Is it Elena? Bonnie: We figured out how to help her. You need to kill a vampire Jeremy: Oh, great. Give me a stake. I'll kill Damon right now Damon: Easy, van Helsing. We'll get you one. Don't worry Bonnie: Before you do this, you need to know what you're getting yourself into (Damon's phone rings. He answers. It's Stefan) Damon: You can rest easy, brother. We figured out how to solve our little Elena problem Stefan: Yeah, well, now we have a bigger one. I lost her Damon: What? Again? Stefan: She's in bad shape. I tried to help her, but she attacked me. Listen, you go find her, all right? Talk her down. She'll listen to you. Just tell me what I need to do to end this [Mystic Grill] (Caroline is at the bar, looking at her phone. She receives a text from Stefan) Caroline: So here's the thing. I didn't just come here to try to get you to release Elena Klaus: You don't say Caroline: I came here to distract you so that Stefan could go to your house and break her out, which he did. And don't get mad, but then he lost her (He gets up quickly) Caroline: Klaus! Klaus: Caroline. You're beautiful, but if you don't stop talking, I will kill you Caroline: They figured out how to stop the hallucinations Klaus: Okay. You have 10 seconds to tell me [Middle of Nowhere] (Elena is walking, remembering everything that happened since her transformation. Connor appears next to her) Connor: Are you ready to die yet? You know it's your only way out of this (Katherine appears on her other side) Katherine: You can't take back what you did. It can never be undone. You're a monster and you deserve to die (She's at Wickery Bridge but she seems surprised. Katherine and Connor both disappear. She looks around and seems upset but resigned. She gets closer to the edge and looks at the water below. Her mother appears next to her) Miranda: It's ok, sweetie Elena: Mom? Miranda: I know what you're going through. And it's ok. This bridge is... Where your life should have ended. Not just once, but twice. You were ready to die, remember? Elena: I don't know what to do Miranda: Yes, you do, honey. You know exactly what to do (Miranda looks at Elena's hand and Elena does the same. She raises her hand and looks at her ring) Miranda: That's right. The sun will come up and this will all be over. It's the right thing to do, Elena. You know it is. Admit it Elena: Because I'm a monster. And I deserve to die. I can't do this. I can't leave Jeremy Miranda: Jeremy is better off without you. Don't you see that? Elena: But mom, he won't have anyone! Miranda: He'll have you. You'll be a ghost who helps him, not a monster who hurts him Elena: You're... you're right. I... I... I'm sorry. Mommy, I didn't mean to disappoint you Miranda: Oh. You didn't. You were everything I ever wanted you to be. But you died. And you were supposed to stay dead (Damon arrives) Damon: Elena Elena: Damon? How... how did you find me? Damon: Didn't take a genius to figure it out. The third time's a charm? Elena: You were right, Damon. Vampires kill people. And Stefan was right, too. I can't live with myself Damon: Look at you. Being all glass is half empty. Let's just go talk about this before you do something stupid. Okay? Connor: The sun will be up soon. It's almost over Damon: Where's your ring? Where's your ring, Elena? [Lockwood's Mansion] (Chris is there with Tyler and Haley) Tyler: You're doing a good thing, Chris Chris: Yeah, well, let's see how fast a good thing could get me out of town Haley: Call me when you're safe, ok? (She embraces him) Chris: Yeah (He opens the door but Klaus is there) Klaus: Going somewhere? (He strangles him and pushes him against the wall) Klaus: When I said don't let her out of your sight, what did you think I meant? Tyler: It's not his fault! It's mine. I was distracting him. It's my fault she got away! Klaus: And maybe you should be the one to die for it Haley: No one has to die! Klaus: id I not say mind your business?! Haley: Tyler's covering for me. I'm the one that let her go Tyler: Haley... Haley: You want someone dead, go ahead. Kill me. I'd rather die anyway then end up as one of your sired little bitches Klaus: Don't tempt me, little wolf (He looks at Chris) Klaus: Your existence is to serve me. To please me. Do you understand? Chris: I'm sorry. I won't fail you again Klaus: No. You won't. Get out of here (Stefan enters and stakes him in the guts) Haley: No! (Haley is shocked. Jeremy enters with an axe) Tyler: Jeremy? [Wickery Bridge] Damon: We need to get you inside (Connor appears) Connor: It's almost time Damon: What you're going through is a curse. We know how to break it, we just have to get you inside! Connor: Don't let him stop you. I know you want to. But you can't. Don't (Damon looks at the sky) Damon: Damn it, Elena! (He tries to catch her but he can't) [Lockwood's Mansion] Tyler: What the hell, man?! (Klaus smiles) Stefan: I'm sorry (Stefan looks at Jeremy. Jeremy kills Chris. Haley screams. Jeremy has blood on his face. He looks at his hand. His tattoo grows) [Wickery Bridge] (Elena opens her yes and looks above Damon's shoulder) Elena: He's gone Damon: It's okay (Her skin starts to burn) Elena: Damon? (He takes her and jumps in the water with her) [Gilbert's House] (Elena wakes up. She has her ring on her finger. She looks at it. Damon is sitting on her bed) Damon: Fished it out of the river for you. Little tip... Vampires hate to swim. How you feeling? Elena: My head's clear. I can remember everything, but not like I lived it. Like it was a really bad dream. You saved me. Thank you Damon: Well, you know what they say about teenage suicide. Don't do it Elena: I just can't believe that I almost... Damon: You weren't yourself Elena: Yeah, but if it wasn't for you... Damon: I'm about to take a very... High and annoying road and tell you something. Because I know that you think Stefan's been lying to you. Which, yeah. He has. But this... rough patch that you two have been going through, it's not what you think. Everything that he's been doing, he's been doing for you. To help you. And after he kills me for telling you this, I want you to throw my ashes off of Wickery Bridge, ok? There may be a way out of this for you, Elena. There may be a cure [Lockwood's Mansion] (Haley is asleep on the couch. Tyler is sitting next to her, a bottle in his hand. Caroline enters) Caroline: Tyler Tyler: It's just us. Paying our respects to Chris Caroline: Tyler... we didn't have a choice Tyler: I told him we had his back. I told him if he helped us, he'd be free Caroline: We needed to help our friend. Tyler: Yeah, we helped our friend by handing over another friend Caroline: Chris wasn't... Tyler: Chris was a friend, Caroline. He's like me. He's part of my pack. All he wanted to do was be unsired by that disgusting piece of... How did you even get Klaus to agree to give up one of his hybrids? Caroline: I agreed to go on a date with him. I just thought that it might help keep up the ruse between you and Haley (He throws the bottle on the wall. Haley wakes up) Haley: What the hell is going on? Tyler: Nothing. Nothing at all. Just celebrating the life of a fallen hybrid friend [Mystic Grill] (Damon sits at the bar) Damon: Bourbon. Make that two (Matt rejoins him) Matt: Still saving a spot for Mr. Saltzman, huh? Damon: I'd say I'm in the market for a new drinking buddy. You're not qualified Matt: I know that you don't like me. But I dug up some stuff about the explosion at the Young farm that I kind of need to tell someone about. So April mentioned that her dad knew that professor Shane guy. Which wouldn't be creepy, except he had all that info about the hunter's curse. And we live in a town where, you know, anybody who knows stuff is creepy until proven otherwise Damon: You're on the verge of impressing me. Drive it home Matt: I got the sheriff to dig up the pastor's phone records. Turns out, he made like a call a day to the same number the last month he was alive. And on the day the council got blown up at the farm, he called it ten times. The office of professor Atticus Shane [Whitmore College] (Shane and Bonnie are in his office) Shane: Did your, uh, did your friend Damon, did he get everything he was looking for in my files? Bonnie: Yeah. Thanks. I, um... I have to ask, how do you know all this stuff? Shane: Bonnie... I have been around the world ten times over. I've studied every supernatural creature known to man. And for the record, witches are hands down the most powerful, so I'm in your corner all the way, I'm your biggest ally. But let me just say one thing. When your new hunter, and I know you have one... When he completes his mark, you're going to want to come to me. 'Cause I'm going to be the only one who can help. Trust me on that, ok? The only one [Gilbert's House] (Stefan is on the porch. Elena comes out) Elena: I'm sorry that I stabbed you Stefan: No, it's all right. I probably deserved it. So, um... Damon told me that he clued you in Elena: You didn't kill him, did you? Stefan: Nah, screw the lies and the secrets. We all want the same thing. We just have to work together for it Elena: Stefan... Why did you send Damon to come look for me instead of you? Stefan: I sent him because lately... It seems like he's able to get through to you in ways that I can't. You listen to him. You trust him. Even when you can't trust me Elena: I didn't mean to not... Stefan: Come on, Elena. I mean, after everything that we've been through... You can admit it Elena: You have been so strong for me. Helping me. Fighting for that girl that chose you. The girl that I was when I died on the bridge. And I love you so much for wanting to find this cure, because I'd like nothing more than to get her back. Because the... The girl that she's become... That... That I've become, is different. Somehow. Darker. I... Who I am, what I want... Stefan: Or... who you want? Elena: Something's changed... Between Damon and me. Much more than it ever used to be. It's like... It's like everything that I felt for him before I was a vampire... Stefan: It's been magnified. Your feelings for him have been magnified Elena: I'm sorry. I don't want to lie to you Stefan: You know, before, when I was the, uh... The ripper... I understood why you cared for him. I mean, I practically drove you to it. But now... I can't do this, Elena. Not anymore Elena: I know
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[Rebecca riding bus and then running into a school. Meets up with Melanie] Melanie: Why are you late? Rebecca: You're not going to like the answer. Melanie: I already know the answer. Rebecca: I missed the bus. Melanie: I don't doubt it, no bus stops near Brad's. You spent the night, the alarm didn't work. Or maybe it did. Rebecca: I didn't sleep with him. Melanie: Girl, there's...[Interrupted] Rebecca: I missed the bus! Melanie: There's something either very wrong with you, or there's something very wrong with him. Rebecca: There's nothing wrong with him. Melanie: Please tell me you know that for a fact. Rebecca: Melanie, I gotta go. Melanie: You're lying aren't you? Rebecca: I wouldn't lie to you. [Turns to class of 5 year olds] Good morning guys! Class: Good morning Miss Rebecca! Rebecca: Everybody's in their seats? Class: Yes! Rebecca: Ok, Sidney, why don't you tell us what you did this weekend. Come on, Sidney, we know you're not shy. Sidney: How come we always have to tell you what we did, and you never tell us what you did? Class: [giggles] Rebecca: Ok, I had a really great weekend, but you can't tell Miss Melanie, ok? Sidney: What did you do? Rebecca: I made a new friend. It's so much fun to make new friends, isn't it? Class: Yeah, Yes, etc. Girl 2: Did you tell you mom and dad about your new friend? Rebecca: Absolutely! You should never keep anything from your parents. And I told them [gibberish] Class: [giggles] Rebecca: Wh.. Class [more giggles] Rebecca: [gibberish] Class: [Laughs and giggles] [Rebecca goes to the board and starts writing] Class: C, A, T, H Sidney: "The." Boy: We know that word, "the." [Rebecca collapses, on the board the words "call the nurse" are written] (Evil commercials...bane of my existence!) [House and Wilson are walking through the hallway. All you can see is their hands and legs, showing that House is using a cane and limping. Wilson is the only one of the two wearing a lab coat.] Wilson: 29 year old female, first seizure one month ago, lost the ability to speak. Babbled like a baby. Present deterioration of mental status. House: See that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane. Wilson: So put on a white coat like the rest of us. House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor. Wilson: You see where the administration might have a problem with that attitude. House: People don't want a sick doctor. Wilson: Fair enough. I don't like healthy patients. The 29 year old female... House: The one who can't talk, I liked that part. Wilson: She's my cousin. House: And your cousin doesn't like the diagnosis. I wouldn't either. Brain tumor, she's gonna die, boring. Wilson: No wonder you're such a renowned diagnostician. You don't need to actually know anything to figure out what's wrong. House: You're the oncologist; I'm just a lowly infectious disease guy. Wilson: Hah, yes, just a simple country doctor. Brain tumors at her age are highly unlikely. House: She's 29. Whatever she's got is highly unlikely. Wilson: Protein markers for the three most prevalent brain cancers came up negative. House: That's an HMO lab; you might as well have sent it to a high school kid with a chemistry set. Wilson: No family history. House: I thought your uncle died of cancer. Wilson: Other side. No environmental factors. House: That you know of. Wilson: And she's not responding to radiation treatment. House: None of which is even close to dispositive. All it does is raise one question. Your cousin goes to an HMO? Wilson: Come on! Why leave all the fun for the coroner? What's the point of putting together a team if you're not going to use them? You've got three overqualified doctors working for you. Getting bored. [Cut to Rebecca, into the nose, and up the blood stream. Cut to House looking through an MRI of Rebecca's head.] Foreman: It's a lesion. House: And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing on a map is an island. I was hoping for something a bit more creative. Foreman: Shouldn't we be speaking to the patient before we start diagnosing? House: Is she a doctor? Foreman: No, but... House: Everybody lies. Cameron: Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors? House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors, treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable. Foreman: So you're trying to eliminate the humanity from the practice of medicine. House: If we don't talk to them they can't lie to us, and we can't lie to them. Humanity is overrated. I don't think it's a tumor. Foreman: First year of medical school if you hear hoof beats you think "horses" not "zebras". House: Are you in first year of medical school? No. First of all, there's nothing on the CAT scan. Second of all, if this is a horse then the kindly family doctor in Trenton makes the obvious diagnosis and it never gets near this office. Differential diagnosis, people: if it's not a tumor what are the suspects? Why couldn't she talk? Chase: Aneurysm, stroke, or some other ischemic syndrome. House: Get her a contrast MRI. Cameron: Creutzfeld-Jakob disease. Chase: Mad cow? House: Mad zebra. Foreman: Wernickie's encephalopathy? House: No, blood thiamine level was normal. Foreman: Lab in Trenton could have screwed up the blood test. I assume it's a corollary if people lie, that people screw up. House: Re-draw the blood tests. And get her scheduled for that contrast MRI ASAP. Let's find out what kind of zebra we're dealing with here. [Cut to House standing at the elevator, he sees Cuddy and presses the down button twice] Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago. House: Really? Well, that's odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago. Cuddy: You think we have nothing to talk about? House: No, just that I can't think of anything that I'd be interested in. Cuddy: I sign your paychecks. House: I have tenure. Are you going to grab my cane now, stop me from leaving? Cuddy: That would be juvenile. [Both enter the elevator] Cuddy: I can still fire you if you're not doing your job. House: I'm here from 9 to 5. Cuddy: Your billings are practically nonexistent. House: Rough year. Cuddy: You ignore requests for consults. House: I call back. Sometimes I misdial. Cuddy: You're 6 years behind on your obligation to this clinic. House: See, I was right, this doesn't interest me. Cuddy: 6 years, times 3 weeks; you owe me better than 4 months. House: It's 5:00. I'm going home. Cuddy: To what? House: Nice. Cuddy: Look, Dr. House, the only reason that I don't fire you is because your reputation still worth something to this hospital. House: Excellent, we have a point of agreement. You aren't going to fire me. Cuddy: Your reputation won't last up if you don't do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job. House: Well, like the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want." [Scene of hospital from above, cut to hallway, Rebecca in wheelchair with Cameron, Chase, and Foreman around.] Rebecca: You're not my doctor. Are you Dr. House? Chase: Thankfully no. I'm Dr. Chase. Cameron: Dr. House is the head of diagnostic medicine. He's very busy, but he has taken a keen interest in your case. [Cut to MRI room, Rebecca is on the table] Foreman: We inject gadolinium into a vein. It distributes itself throughout your brain and acts as a contrast material for the magnetic resonance imagery. Cameron: Basically, whatever's in your head, lights up like a Christmas tree. Foreman: It might make you feel a little light-headed. Nurse: Dr. Cameron. I'm sorry I have to stop you, there's a problem. [Cut to House, busting into Cuddy's office] House: You pulled my authorization. Cuddy: Yes, why are you yelling? House: No MRIs, no imaging studies, no labs. Cuddy: You also can't make long distance phone calls. House: If you're gonna fire me at least have the guts to face me. Cuddy: Or photocopies; you're still yelling. House: I'm ANGRY! You're risking a patient's life. Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points. House: You showed me disrespect, you embarrassed me and as long as I'm still work here you have...[interrupted] Cuddy: Is your yelling designed to scare me because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That's not scary. That you're gonna hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun ya. Cuddy: Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted, Jagger, and you're right, "You can't always get what you want," but as it turns out "if you try sometimes you get what you need." House: So, because you want me to treat patients, you aren't letting me treat patients. Cuddy: I need you to do your job. [House comes out of Cuddy's office; Wilson and the ducklings are there] House: Do the MRI, she folded. [Ducklings leave, House turns to Wilson] I've gotta do four hours a week in this clinic until I make up the time I've missed. 2054. I'll be caught up in 2054. [He walks into the clinic] You better love this cousin a whole lot. [Cut back to MRI room Rebecca is back on the table. She is pushed into the machine.] Cameron: All right Rebecca, [over intercom] we know you may feel a little claustrophobic in there, but we need you to remain still. Chase: [over intercom] Ok, we're gonna begin. [Machine starts up and makes weird sounds] Rebecca: I don't feel so good. Chase: It's all right. Just try to relax. [Rebecca starts choking. Cool shot of inside her throat. You can see that it closes up] Cameron: Rebecca? [over intercom] Rebecca? [back in booth] Rebecca! Get her out of there. Chase: Ah she probably fell asleep; she's exhausted. Cameron: She was claustrophobic 30 seconds ago, she's not sleeping. We gotta get her out of there! Chase: It'll just be another minute. Cameron: She's having an allergic reaction to gadolinium. She'll be dead in two minutes. Foreman: Hold her neck. Cameron: Oh, she's ashen. Foreman: She's not breathing. Epi point five. Cameron: Come on, I can't ventilate. Foreman: Too much edema, where's the surgical airway kit? Chase: Yep, coming. [Cool cutting into Rebecca's neck sounds, and real colored blood for a change. They get her bagged.] Chase: Good call. (And we're back to commercials...blah...) [Cut into hospital room, next day. Rebecca has a ventilator hooked up to her, and the ducklings are present] Chase: We'll get that tube out of your throat later today. Cameron: Just get some rest for now. [They leave to hallway, House is there.] House: Told you, can't trust people. Cameron: She probably knew she was allergic to gadolinium, figured it was an easy way to get someone to cut a hole in her throat. House: Can't get a picture, gonna have to get a thousand words. Foreman: You actually want me to talk to the patient? Get a history? House: We need to know if there's some genetic or environmental causes triggering an inflammatory response. Foreman: I thought everybody lied? House: Truth begins in lies. Think about it. Foreman: That doesn't mean anything,does it? [House walks away] [House enters the clinic...dun dun dun!] House: 12:52 PM Dr. House checks in, please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? General Hospital starts in 8 minutes. Cuddy: No TV, but we've got patients. House: Can't you give out the aspirin yourself? I'll do paperwork. Cuddy: I made sure your first case was an interesting one. House: Cough just won't go away, runny nose looks a funny color. Cuddy: Patient admitted complaining of back spasms. House: I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine. Cuddy: Patient is orange. House: The color? Cuddy: No, the fruit. House: You mean yellow; it's jaundice. Cuddy: I mean orange. House: Well, how orange? Cuddy: Exam room 1. [Cut to House in exam room 1 with Orange Guy] Orange Guy: I was playing golf and my cleat got stuck. I mean, it hurt a little but I kept playing. The next morning I could barely stand up. Well, you're smiling so I take it that means this isn't serious. [House takes out his pills] Orange Guy: What's that? What are you doing? House: Painkillers. Orange Guy: Oh, for you, for your leg. House: No, 'cause they're yummy. You want one? It'll make your back feel better. [Guy nods and House gives him a painkiller] House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair. Orange Guy: What?! House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed color, she's just not paying attention. By the way, do you consume just a ridiculous amount of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? [Guy nods] House: The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get some finger-paints and do the math. And get a good lawyer. [House leaves the room] [Cut to House in another exam room, this time with a little boy] House: Deep breath. Little boy: It's cold. House: Has he been using his inhaler? Mother: Not in the past few days. He's, um, only ten. I worry about children taking such strong medicine so frequently. Little boy: What happened to your leg? [After saying this the little boy starts to wheeze a little, and continues throughout the entire time that House is talking.] House: Your doctor probably was concerned about the strength of the medicine, too. She probably weighed that danger against the danger of not breathing. Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think? Ok, I'm gonna assume that no body's ever told you what asthma is, or if they have, you had other things on your mind. A stimulant triggers cells in your child's airways to release substances that inflame the air passages and cause them to contract. Mucus production increases, cell-lining starts to shed. But the steroids, the steroids...stop the inflammation. The more often this happens...[trails off and starts to leave the room] Mother: What? "The more often this happens..."what?" House: Forget it. If you don't trust steroids, you shouldn't trust doctors. [House leaves] [Cut to Rebecca's room] Rebecca: My mother passed away three years ago. She had a heart attack, and my father broke his back doing construction. [Cameron's pager goes off] Cameron: It's House, it's urgent. I'm sorry. [They go outside the room and see House waiting for them there] Cameron: You couldn't have knocked? House: Steroids. Give her steroids, high doses of prednisone. Foreman: You're looking for support for a diagnosis of cerebral vasculitus. Cameron: Inflammation of the blood vessels in the brain is awfully rare. Especially for someone her age. House: So is a tumor. Her SED rate was elevated. Foreman: Mildly. Cameron: That could mean anything, or nothing. House: Yeah, I know. I have no reason to think that it's vasculitus except that it could be. If the blood vessels were inflamed that's gonna look exactly like what we saw on the MRI from Trenton County, and the pressure's gonna cause neurological symptoms. Cameron: You can't diagnose that without a biopsy. House: Yes, we can, we treat it. If she gets better we know that we're right. Cameron: And if we're wrong? House: We learn something else. [Cut to overview of hospital, and then back into Rebecca's room] Rebecca: Why steroids? Chase: Just part of your treatment. You haven't had many visitors. No boyfriend? Rebecca: Three dates. I wouldn't have stood by him if her were vomiting all day. Chase: Well, what abut work? You must have friends from work. Rebecca: Pretty much everybody I like is 5 years old. A nurse said you're stopping my radiation. Chase: We're just trying some alternative medications. So, where's your family from then? Rebecca: Steroids aren't an alternative to radiation. Chase: The tests weren't really conclusive. Cameron: We're treating you for vasculitus, it's the inflammation of blood vessels in the brain. Rebecca: It's not a tumor? I don't have a tumor? [Cut to hallway with Cameron and Chase] Chase: You should have told her the truth. It's a long shot guess. Cameron: [to nurse] Thank you. [To Chase] If House is right, no harm, if he's wrong we've given a dying woman a couple days hope. Chase: False hope. Cameron: If there was any other type available I would have given her that. [Cut to classroom where Foreman is smelling the floor] Sidney: Why are you smelling Billy's pants? Foreman: I'm not. Sidney: Looked like you were. Foreman: I was smelling the floor. Sidney: Oh. Foreman: Do you have any pets in this class? Sidney: No, but we used to have a gerbil, but Carly L. dropped a book on it. Foreman: Careless. Sidney: Do you need to smell it? Foreman: No, I'm smelling for mold. I don't need to smell it. Sidney: You can smell our parrot. Foreman: You said you didn't have any pets in this class. Sidney: A parrot is a bird. [Cut to House and Foreman eating lunch with some Soap on the TV that has House's attention more than Foreman does] Foreman: Parrots are the primary source of psitticosis. House: It's not the parrot. Foreman: Psitticosis can lead to nerve problems and neurological complications. House: How many kids were there in the class? Foreman: 20. House: How many are home sick? Foreman: None, but... House: None, but you think that 5 year olds are more serious about bird hygiene than their teacher. You've been through her home? Foreman: She lives in Trenton. I can go up to her room tomorrow morning and ask her for the key. House: Would the police call for permission before dropping by to check out a crime scene? Foreman: It's not a crime scene. House: Far as I know she's running a Meth Lab out of her basement. Foreman: She's a kindergarten teacher! House: And if I was a Kindergarten student I would trust her implicitly. [Sigh] Ok, I'll give you a for instance. The lady back there, who made your egg-salad sandwich. Her eyes look glassy, did you notice that? Now hospital policy is to stay home if you're sick, but if you're making $8.00 an hour, then ya kinda need the $8.00 an hour right? The sign in the bathroom says that employees must wash after using the facilities, but I figure that somebody who wipes snot on a sleeve isn't hyper concerned about sanitary conditions. So what do ya think? Should I trust her? I want you to check the patient's home for contaminants, garbage, medication...[interrupted] Foreman: Whoa, oh, I can't just break into someone's house. House: Isn't that how you got into the Felker's home? [pause] Yeah, I know, court records are sealed, you were 16, it was a stupid mistake, but your old gym teacher has a big mouth. You should write a thank you note. Foreman: I should thank him? House: Well, I needed somebody around here with street smarts. Ok? Knows when you're being conned, knows how to con. Foreman: I should sue you! House: I'm pretty sure you can't sue somebody for wrongful hiring. Foreman: But I'm pretty sure I can sue if you fire me for not breaking into some lady's house. [Foreman eats the rest of the sandwich] [Cut to House sitting and reading "Spring's hottest people' Magazine, Cuddy walks in] House: I'm doing research. People are fascinating aren't they? Cuddy: Why are you giving Adler steroids? House: Well, she's my patient that's what you do with patients. You give them medicine. Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele. House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? Nice. Cuddy: I'm stopping the treatment. House: She's my patient. Cuddy: It's my hospital. House: I did not get her sick, she is not an experiment, I have a legitimate theory about what's wrong with her. Cuddy: With no proof. House: There's never any proof. 5 different doctors come up with 5 different diagnoses based on the same evidence. Cuddy: You don't have any evidence. And nobody knows anything huh? Then how is it that you always assume you're right? House: I don't, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake? Cuddy: Because I'm a doctor. Because when we make mistakes people die. [She walks off up the stairs] House: Come on. [House thinks about going up the stairs, but decides against it] House: People used to have more respect for cripples you know! [Turns to a guy in a wheelchair] They didn't really. [Cut to Cuddy entering Rebecca's room. Rebecca is eating voraciously.] Cuddy; So, how ya feeling? Rebecca: Much better, thanks. Are you Dr. House? I thought he was a he, but...? Cuddy: No. Don't eat too much too fast. Rebecca: Thank him for me. Cuddy: Right. [Cuddy exits the room, and House is standing there, Cuddy is a bit surprised by him standing there.] House: Should I discontinue the treatment, boss? Cuddy: You got lucky. [She walks off] House: Cool, huh? [Cut to the outside of the hospital, and back into Rebecca's room, it's now night and Wilson is there] Wilson: Ok, once again. [Rebecca takes a deep breath] Wilson: Good. Rebecca: Am I ever gonna meet Dr. House? Wilson: [scoffs] Well, you might run into him at the movies or on the bus. Rebecca: Is he a good man? Wilson: He's a good doctor. Rebecca: Can you be one without the other? Don't you have to care about people? Wilson: Caring's a good motivator. He's found something else. [Has Rebecca grab his hands] Feel this? Rebecca: umhmm Wilson: How about this? Rebecca: umhmm Wilson: Ok squeeze. [Pause] Harder. All right. Rebecca: He's your friend, huh? Wilson: Yeah. Rebecca: Does he care about you? Wilson: I think so. Rebecca: You don't know? Wilson: As Dr. House likes to say, "Everybody lies." Rebecca: It's not what people say, it's what they do. Wilson: [Pause] Yes, he cares about me. Rebecca: I can't see. [Pause] I can't see. [She starts having a seizure and monitors go crazy] Wilson: A little help in here! [Flat line on the heart monitor] (Commercial, again, evil!) [Cut back to Rebecca's room, daytime, she has an oxygen mask on. Foreman is there] Foreman: Your chest will be sore for a while. We needed to shock you to get your heart going. Ok. [He lays a bunch of cards with pictures on them in front of Rebecca] Can you arrange these to tell a story? [cut to pictures and then to House's office] Foreman: She couldn't put them in order. Chase: Could the damage have been caused by a lack of oxygen during her seizure? Foreman: No, I gave her the same test 5 minutes later and she did just fine. The altered mental status is intermittent, just like the verbal skills. Cameron: So, what now? Foreman: Given the latest symptoms it's clearly growing deeper into the brain stem. Soon she won't be able to walk, she'll go blind permanently, and then the respiratory center will fail. House: How long do we have? Foreman: If it's a tumor we're talking a month, maybe two, if it's infectious a few weeks, if it's vascular that'll probably be fastest of all, maybe a week. House: We're gonna stop all treatment. [House gets up and walks over to the drinks.] Foreman: I still think it's a tumor. I think we should go back to the radiation. Chase: She didn't respond to the radiation. Foreman: Well, maybe we didn't see the effects until we started steroids. House: No, it's not a tumor. The steroids did something, I just don't know what. Foreman: So we're just gonna do nothing? We're just gonna watch her die? House: Yeah, we're gonna watch her die. Specifically we're gonna watch how fast she's dying. You just told us, each diagnosis has its own timeframe. When we see how fast it's killing her we'll know what it is. Cameron: And by then maybe there's nothing we can do about it. Foreman: There's go to be something we can do, something better than watching her die. House: Well, I got nothing. How 'bout you? [Cut to hallway, Foreman and Cameron exit the office] Foreman: b*st*rd. [Turns to Cameron] Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours. Cameron: What's up? Foreman: When you break into someone's house; it's always better to have a white chick with you. Cameron: Adler's house? Why don't we just ask her for a key? Foreman: For all we know she could be running a meth lab out of her basement. [Cut to clinic and House is with a patient, a guy] Guy: I'm tired a lot. House: Any other reason you think you may have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? Guy: It's kinda the definition isn't it? House: It's kinda the definition of getting older. Guy: I had a couple headaches last month, mild fever, sometimes I can't sleep, and I have trouble concentrating. House: Apparently not while researching this stuff on the internet. Guy: I was thinking it also might be fibromyalgia. House: [Looks contemplative, and then serious] Excellent diagnosis [sarcastic]! Guy: Is there anything for that? House: [heavy sigh] Ya know, I think there just might be. [House goes out of the room, and to the dispensary.] House: I need 36 Vicodin, and change for a dollar. Nurse: (jumbled, I can't tell) [House gets his change and goes to a candy machine. He gets white candies out of the machine, and goes back to the counter. There he takes the Vicodin and slips them into his pocket, exchanging them for the candy.] House: Exam room 2. [Places the bottle back on the counter.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Cameron and Foreman in Rebecca's house] Cameron: House doesn't believe in pretense. Figures life's too short and too painful. So he just says what he thinks. Foreman: Nothing interesting in the garbage. "I say what I think" is just another way of saying "I'm an ass." Cameron: Well, if you wanted to be judged on your medical prowess only, maybe you shouldn't have broken into someone's home. Foreman: I was 16! Don't know about ticks, but her dog's definitely got fleas. Cameron: I managed to make it to 17 without a criminal record. [Foreman is in the fridge, and takes out some ham and mustard] Foreman: Yeah? Well you obviously didn't grow up in my neighborhood. Cameron: That's right. You stole a loaf of bread to feed your starving family right? You always eat during break-ins? Foreman: Am I supposed to respect their food more than I respect their DVD players? You want some? Cameron: No. Foreman: You gonna go hungry until she dies? Cameron: No. Foreman: You know what, after centuries of oppression, decades of civil rights marches, and more significantly living like a monk, never getting less than a 4.0 GPA, you don't think it's kind of disgusting I get one of the top jobs in the country because I'm a delinquent? We'll eat, then we'll tear up the carpet. Cameron: You went to Hopkins right? Foreman: Yep. Cameron: So, you went to a better school than I did, got better grades than I did. Foreman: So how'd you get the job? Did you stab a guy in a bar fight? [Off Cameron's face, a little disturbed] [Cut to the hospital exterior, daytime, then into House's office again] Foreman: Nothing. House: It's not a tumor; she's getting worse too fast. She can't stand up. Wilson: No toxins, no medication? Foreman: Nothing that would explain these symptoms. Wilson: Family history of neurological problems? Foreman: Not that I could tell from her underwear drawer. House: You said nothing that would explain these symptoms. What did you find that doesn't explain these symptoms? Foreman: Dr. Wilson convinced you to treat this patient under false pretenses. Adler's not his cousin. Wilson: That's ridiculous. You can ask her yourself. Can we get back to... [interrupted] Foreman: She's not Jewish! Wilson: Rachel Adler's not Jewish? Foreman: I had ham at her apartment! Wilson: [chuckles] Dr. Foreman, a lot of Jews have non-Jewish relatives, and most of us don't keep kosher. I can see getting through high school without learning a thing about Jews, but medical school... Foreman: Ok, maybe she's Jewish, but she's definitely not your cousin. Wilson: Really? This guy's...he... Foreman: You don't even know her name! You called her Rachel; her name is Rebecca! Wilson: Yes, yes, her name is Rebecca. I call her Rachel. [While this is going on House is very quiet and you can almost see that he is putting things together} House: You idiot! Wilson: Hey...listen... House: Not you, him! You said you didn't find anything. Foreman: Everything I found was in [interrupted] House: You found ham. Foreman: So? House: Where there's ham there's pork, where there's pork there's neurocysticercosis. Chase: Tapeworm?! You think she's got a worm in her brain? House: It fits. Could have been living there for years, it never occurred to me [interrupted] Cameron: Millions of people eat ham every day. It's quite a leap to think that she's got a tapeworm. House: OK, Mr. Neurologist. What happens when you give steroids to a person who has a tapeworm? Foreman: They, they get a little better and then they get worse. Wilson: Just like Rebecca Adler did. [Cut out and then in again, House has a book and lays it on the table, open to a page on tapeworms] House: In a typical case if you don't cook pork well enough you ingest live tapeworm larvae. They got these little hooks they grab onto your bowel, they live, they grow up, they reproduce. Chase: Reproduce? There's only got one lesion, and it's nowhere near her bowel. House: That's because this is not a typical case. Tapeworm can produce 20 to 30,000 eggs a day. Guess where they go. Foreman: Out. House: Not all of them. Unlike the larvae, the egg can pass right through the walls of the intestines and into the blood stream. And where does the blood stream go? Cameron: Everywhere. House: As long as it's healthy the immune system doesn't even know it's there. The worm builds a wall, uses secretions to shut down the body's immune response and control fluid flow. It's really kinda beautiful. Foreman: As long as it's healthy, so what do we do? Call a vet and nurse the little guy back to health? House: It's too late for that. It's dying, and as it dies this parasite loses the ability to control of the host's defenses. The immune system wakes up and attacks the worm and everything starts to swell, and that is very bad for the brain. Wilson: It could still be a hundred other things. The eosinophil count was normal. Chase: It's only abnormal in 30% of cases. Wilson: Proving nothing. House: No, no, no, no, you see, it fits, it's perfect! It explains everything. Wilson: But it proves nothing. House: I can prove it by treating it. Wilson: No, you can't. I was just with her, she doesn't want any more treatments, she doesn't want any more experiments, she wants to go home and die. (Commercials! Gah! I wish commercials would go home and die!) [Cut back into Rebecca's room, it's nighttime and House enters] House: [To nurse] Will you excuse us, please? [Nurse leaves] House: I'm Dr. House. Rebecca: It's good to meet you. House: You're being an idiot. Ahem. [Pause] You have a tapeworm in your brain, it's not pleasant, but if we don't do anything you'll be dead by the weekend. Rebecca: Have you actually seen the worm? House: When you're all better I'll show you my diplomas. Rebecca: You were sure I had vasculitus too. Now I can't walk and I'm wearing a diaper. What's this treatment gonna do for me? House: I'm not talking about a treatment; I'm talking about a cure. But because I might be wrong, you want to die. Rebecca: What made you a cripple? House: I had an infarction. Rebecca: A heart attack? House: It's what happens when the blood flow is obstructed. If it's in the heart it's a heart attack. If it's in the lungs it's a pulmonary embolism. If it's in the brain it's a stroke. I had it in my thigh muscles. Rebecca: Wasn't there something they could do? House: There was plenty they could do, if they made the right diagnosis, but the only symptom was pain. Not may people get to experience muscle death. Rebecca: Did you think you were dying? House: I hoped I was dying. Rebecca: So you hide in your office, refuse to see patients because you don't like the way people look at you. You feel cheated by life so now you're gonna get even with the world. You want me to fight this. Why? What makes you think I'm so much better than you? House: When you're scared, you'll turn into me. Rebecca: I just want to die with a little dignity. House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly, always. [Pause] You can live with dignity, we can't die with it. [Cut to hallway, outside the room, looks like daytime, but it could be the lights in the hospital.] House: No treatment. Foreman: Maybe we can get a court order, override her wishes. Claim she doesn't have the capacity to make this decision. House: But she does. Cameron: But we could claim that the illness made her mentally incompetent. Foreman: Pretty common result. House: That didn't happen here. Wilson: He's not gonna do it. She's not just a file to him anymore. He respects her. Cameron: So because you respect her, you're going to let her die? House: I solved the case, my work is done. [House starts to walk away] House: Patients always want proof, we're not making cars here, we don't give guarantees. [House continues walking, Off Chase] Chase: I think we can prove it's a worm. It's noninvasive, it's safe. I'm not completely sure but...[interrupted] House: Yeah, yeah, yeah what's the damn idea? Chase: Have you ever seen a worm under an x-ray, a regular old no contrast 100-year-old technology x-ray? They light up like shotgun pellets. Just like on a contrast MRI. Foreman: Which is the same thing as a CT scan, which we did, which proved nothing. House: Worm cysts is the same density as the cerebrospinal fluid, we're not going to see anything in her head, but Chase is right, he's right, we should x-ray her, but we don't x-ray her brain, we x-ray her leg, worms love thigh muscle. If she's got one in her head I guarantee you there's one in her leg. [Cut to x-ray table, Rebecca is on it, and they focus on her leg, x-ray is taken.] Chase: Hold still, Rebecca. [...And the worm shows up. Cut to Rebecca's hospital room, day.] Chase: This here is a worm larva. [Chase pointing to x-ray of her leg] Rebecca: So, if it's in my leg, it's in my brain? Chase: Are you looking for a guarantee? It's there, probably been there 6 to 10 years. Rebecca: Could I have more? Chase: Probably. It's good news. Rebecca: What do we do now? Chase: Now we get you better. Albendazole. [Hands her a cup with two pills in it.] Rebecca: Two pills? Chase: Yeah, every day for at least a month with a meal. Rebecca: Two pills? Chase: Yeah, possible side effects include abdominal pain, nausea, headache, dizziness, fever, and hair loss. We'll probably make you keep taking the pills even if you get every one of those. [Rebecca smirks, and then downs the pills] [Cut to House's office, day. Cameron's there waiting as House enters.] Cameron: Why did you hire me? House: Does it matter? Cameron: Kinda hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you. House: Why? Cameron: Is that rhetorical? House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference why I think I'm a jerk? The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job? Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record. House: No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a doctor...with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?! House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby. Cameron: I was in the top of my class. House: But not THE top. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic. House: Yes, you were a very good applicant. Cameron: But not the best? House: Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty not some genetic gift of intelligence? Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am. House: But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't, you worked your stunning little ass off. Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered? House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they're as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member? Cameron: No! House: Sexually assaulted? Cameron: No. House: But you are damaged, aren't you? [Cameron hesitates, and in that moment her pager goes off] Cameron: I have to go. [She leaves, cut to orange guy (not so orange now) in with Cuddy] Orange guy: I followed her. I couldn't stop thinking about what that doctor said. Cuddy: I told you not to listen to him, he's an idiot. Orange guy: I was ORANGE. Cuddy: I don't want to know what you found out. Orange guy: You don't care? Cuddy: I'm your doctor, you've been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don't see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she's not having an affair and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him, but I can't even if it cost me your money, the son of a bitch is the best doctor we have. [Cut to his finger, now missing his ring] [Cut to Rebecca's room, Chase enters] Chase: Feeling any better? Rebecca: I can't complain. Chase: As you know the hospital has certain rules, and as you also know we tend to ignore them, but I think this one's gonna be a little obvious unless we get your help. [Cameron enters with Rebecca's class] Cameron: If anyone asks, you have 11 daughters and 5 sons. Rebecca: Hi, you guys! Class: Hi! Rebecca: Come here! [They gather around her bed and present her with a card.] Rebecca: It's so good to see you guys! I missed you! Is this for me? [Rebecca opens it and inside it says "Miss Rebecca we're glad you're not dead"] Rebecca: Oh, I love you guys. [To Chase and Cameron] I wanted to thank Dr. House, but he never visited again. Cameron: He cured you, you didn't cure him. Rebecca: [Talking to class] Ok, I want a hug and a kiss from every single one of you. Get up here right now! Class: [Giggles, and laughs] [They get up on the bed with Rebecca] [Cut to House watching General Hospital (I assume)] Female Dr. on mini TV: There. Male Dr on mini TV: Hold on. Female Dr. on mini TV: She's converted. House: You said she was your cousin. Why would you lie? Wilson: It got you to take the case. House: You lied to a friend to save a stranger, you don't think that's screwed up? Wilson: You've never lied to me? House: I NEVER lie. Wilson: Oh, really. Male Dr on mini TV: Why do we do this? Female Dr. on mini TV: Because we're doctors, when we make mistakes people die. [House gets a great little smirk here, re: Cuddy using the same line earlier] [Knock on the door] Nurse: Dr. House? You have a patient. [Nurse pulls the blinds away to reveal the guy that House gave the candy pills to.] Nurse: He says he needs a refill. House: Got change for a dollar? [Cut to outside the hospital and aerial view of the campus.] Singing: "No, you can't always get what you want." "You can't always get what you want."
doc_67
Int. Sydney's apartment. She looks at herself in the mirror with a weird/curious look, then walks over to the sink and sits down. Then, pushing the tap up to let the water run, she puts a kettle under the tap and fills it up. She walks over to the stove and let the water boil, while picking up a box and reading its contents of a sachet. A man runs across the translucent doors and he pushes them open. It's Vaughn, grocery bag in his hands. VAUGHN: Back! Sydney looks up, a smile growing on her face. SYDNEY: Hey. What took you so long? VAUGHN: Traffic light out on Venice. She still has a weird look on her face as he comes over and kisses her. SYDNEY: Would you look at something for me? VAUGHN: Yeah. SYDNEY: See an eyelash? (Widens her left eye with her hand) Something itches like hell. VAUGHN: (he looks) No. SYDNEY: Sure? VAUGHN: Yeah, maybe those contacts you wore on the Ireland mission irritated your eye. She doesn't look too convinced. SYDNEY: Yeah. Vaughn starts taking the groceries out of the bag and Sydney peers into the bag. SYDNEY: What's this? VAUGHN: What do you think about Orecchietti? SYDNEY: I don't think I've ever heard of it. Vaughn takes a cutting knife out. The sound made is loud and crisp, and Sydney has a weird look on her face again. SYDNEY: Wait a minute, don't tell me you cook. VAUGHN: (A smile on his face) There are a lot of things about me you don't know. SYDNEY: You clean, too? (She's still looking through the grocery bag) VAUGHN: I've been known to. Why, you thinking about hiring me? SYDNEY: Why would I hire you when I get you for free? VAUGHN: (small laugh) Are you taking a bath? SYDNEY: (She walks behind him) Maybe. (There's a somewhat cheeky look on her face) Maybe we're gonna take a bath. Close up shot of Vaughn cutting the broccoli. He accidentally cuts his finger. VAUGHN: Ah, damn it. Sydney rushes over immediately, a look of concern etched on her face. SYDNEY: You okay? VAUGHN: Yeah, I'm fine. (Sydney takes his hand to inspect the wound) SYDNEY: Let me see. (She applies pressure to it) VAUGHN: It's nothing. SYDNEY: Not nothing. (They look at each other and Vaughn looks pleased at her concern.) Scene changes. The background music now sounds like it's coming from the radio. We get another closeup of their hands, and this time Sydney is putting a bandaid over the wound. Vaughn looks at her and smiles a little, and she puts his finger to her mouth and kisses it. SYDNEY: Here you go. All better. VAUGHN: You're gonna make a great mom. SYDNEY: Yeah, maybe. The statement seemed to have hit a raw nerve. She stands up, presumably to place the bandaid box to its place and in front of the mirror again. SYDNEY: Just that, my mom wasn't exactly the best role model. VAUGHN: Well the good news is that, you're nothing like your mother. Suddenly a warped voice in a voice over. VOICEOVER: You're not there yet, Sydney. She looks up in mild shock, then meets the eyes of Vaughn. SYDNEY: Did you hear that? VAUGHN: What. (It was almost as if it was a statement and not an answer...) SYDNEY: Radio. VOICEOVER: You need to go further back. Follow Vaughn VAUGHN: It's just the radio, Syd. If you don't like it we can turn it off. She seems to like that idea a lot. SYDNEY: That's right. Vaughn switches off the radio, then smiles. VAUGHN: How about a nice bottle of wine with this bath? SYDNEY: That would be great. Vaughn walks away, and Sydney looks in the mirror again. This time, she is shocked by what she sees. Something odd is reflected; a blue hue. Sydney sees herself being held on a chair with electrodes stuck to her forehead and she squints. The scene changes into the actual scene of her being tortured for information. The camera view is now a mesh of colours which focuses slightly, and as it pans it occurs that we're looking through Sydney's eyes: She sees a doctor. SYDNEY: Who are you? DOCTOR: Shh. Syd, sit still. We're almost there, Sydney. He takes a syringe. DOCTOR: We almost have what we need. We just need to go a little further. Sydney squints and looks utterly confused. She sees him sucking liquid into the syringe and asks. SYDNEY: What are you doing to me? DOCTOR: Nothing for you to worry about. I'm just trying to help you relax. SYDNEY: Why? What do you want? (The doctor shushes her) DOCTOR: I just need to find a vein... A distorted voice fills the room. DISTORTED VOICE: Stop. Are you certain this won't harm the baby? DOCTOR: Quite certain. SYDNEY: (almost as if getting out of a stupor) Wait, the baby... don't... DOCTOR: (towards the one-side mirror) But if you want your answer you're going to need to let me do my job. SYDNEY: Who is that behind there? Who's behind there? DISTORTED VOICE: Okay, you may proceed. SYDNEY: If you hurt my baby... (he sticks the syringe in) I swear to you... (tears stream down her cheeks) I will kill you. We see the view from Sydney's eyes again, and the doctor gets blurred. End of scene. SAN FR[A]NCISCO 2 DAYS EARLIER Ext. Rain is pouring down and camera pans to a woman serving noodles. WOMAN: You like? We see Peyton at the receiving end. PEYTON: Yes, I like very much! WOMAN: It's nice to see girl like you eating noodle. My granddaughter, she tell me, 'too many carbs!' Peyton smiles politely and barely eats two mouthfuls of noodles before the door rings open. A man in a suit walks through the door and she jumps on her feet. PEYTON: Thank you! I'm late for a date! WOMAN: Okay! Bye bye! She rushes off and catches up with the man in the suit through the rain. PEYTON: Excuse me, Mister! Thank god, I'm supposed to meet some friends in the [Mission?] district. My cab driver from Oackland just dropped me off here and zoomed off. I - I've been trying to find a cab, and no one here seems to... MAN: There's a stand two blocks over the right. PEYTON: Thank you! He turns to walk away and she calls him again. PEYTON: Oh, do you know what time it is? He comes back and looks at his watch. MAN: Yeah, it's - (she stabs him and blood spews out from his mouth) PEYTON: Nice watch. (She pulls the knife out and places him against the wall, rummaging through his pockets and takes his watch off, looking furtively around (Because, like, there isn't anybody on that street, you know.) and walks away) She walks quickly through the same door and walks up the stairs, fiddling with the watch which is now on her wrist. Stopping at a door, she pushes three knobs up and gets green light, then placing the wristwatch on a sensor. ACCESSING... AGENT ZACHARY TURNER ACCESS GRANTED The door opens and she enters the room, stopping at the nearest desk. There is another agent at his own desk. AGENT: Again Turner? You'll miss your plane. Peyton types. AGENT MICHAEL VAUGHN AGENT: You missed that pickup in Cartagena, I'm gonna hear it from the Director. She presses enter while looking at the other agent, worried. Lots of technical effects before the screen stops at SERVER 4 SLOT 29. The agent turns around just as she walks towards server 4 presumably. AGENT: What did you forget this time? He gets up and looks, while the camera pans to Peyton looking for the server - still - and finally reaching it. The agent looks at the computer (still beeping away) and Peyton takes a handdrill to loosen the screws of slot 29. He walks the way of server 4; and Peyton continues to loosen the remaining screws. The agent finally reaches the spot - Peyton isn't there anymore. He starts to walk away, then looks at slot 29: it's open, so he walks towards it... Peyton jumps from behind and strangles him with a cord, asphyxiating him. She kicks him in the calf and he goes down on his knees, and she tightens the cord. He struggles... then dies. Peyton retrieves the data, puts it in her handbag and leaves, taking a last look at the dead agent. Cut to outside. The first agent she killed is still propped up against the wall... Then slumps to the wet ground. Nice noodle woman comes around. WOMAN: Mister! You okay?! Peyton walks through that same door again, one ear against her cellphone. PEYTON: This is agent 4962 Bravo. Requesting for technician. Cuts to DeSantis in his office. DESANTIS: This is he. PEYTON: Dr. DeSantis, this is Kelly Peyton. DESANTIS (VO): Were you able to retrieve Agent Vaughn's files? Peyton: Yes. I'm exiting Chao Ke Street now. Camera pans to nice noodle woman who exclaims in anguish as she pokes at the dead agent. (the background sounds of the woman screaming) PEYTON: I'll run the analysis in the attaché (?) DESANTIS: Excellent. I'll let our benefactors know. (Referring to the background sound) What is that noise? PEYTON: You know how it is. Rough neighbourhood. She clips the phone off. Off the camera, we see her walking away and the dead agent is still lying on the ground; the background sounds still filled with screams and shouts... Cut to the Alias Theme (Or now is the time in Alias when we (used to, until the episode!) dance!) Camera pans over a nice shot of the skyscrapers of LA. (camera cuts to the interior of a hospital. The doctor leads the way and Jack is in front of Sydney) (Voiceover) DOCTOR LYNN: After your initial triage and check-in, we'll bring you up here into the labouring and delivery room. SYDNEY: So this is where I'll be getting my epidural. DOCTOR LYNN: Yes, it is. (she laughs lightly) If you want one. SYDNEY: I do. I'm - I'm not a big fan of pain. JACK: Are there any adjustments Sydney should be making to her life style? I'm sure her boss at the bank would be (he pauses slightly) happy to lighten her workload. DOCTOR LYNN: No, she's fine. I tell mothers staying active for as long as they can is a good thing. They stop in the middle of the ward. DOCTOR LYNN: You must be excited. Won't be much longer now. SYDNEY: Oh no, the due date's still three weeks away. DOCTOR LYNN: Sure it is, but you never know. Your baby might be in a hurry. You're far enough along (camera cuts to Sydney's slightly shocked expression) if your water broke today we could expect a healthy delivery. (Sydney nods) SYDNEY: Wow, I, uh I didn't know that. (Doctor's pager beeps) DOCTOR LYNN: My service. I need to run. (she smiles at Sydney) I'll see you next week for your check-up. Sydney seems overwhelmed, but nods anyway. SYDNEY: Okay. They start walking out of the ward. Cut to Jack's slightly humoured expression: JACK: So, any day. SYDNEY: Well she said it could be any day. (she shrugs it off, but her expression on her face remains slightly surprised) They stop at the nursery, and the camera pans on a baby. His father is looking at him lovingly, and the camera pans back on Sydney's forlorn expression. Jack looks at Sydney awkwardly, then reaches into his pocket. JACK: I have something for you. SYDNEY: What? He hands her a little wrapped gift and she looks surprised. SYDNEY: A gift? JACK: Technically, no (she starts pulling at the ribbon), it's already yours. I'm just... returning it. She opens it, all the while sharing a smile on his face. It's a little rattler. JACK: Your mother and I bought it when you were born. You wouldn't let it out of your sight 'til you're almost three. Reminds me of the time when I could keep you safe. (Sydney is full of gratitude, then of sadness) SYDNEY: It's beautiful, Dad, thank you. Scene cuts to APO. Marshall is doing some soldering work. Grace walks in. GRACE: You wanted to see me? MARSHALL: Oh, yeah, hey! Agent Grace! (he puts the soldering pen down and then takes his protective glasses on) Listen, I was doing some housekeeping: logging aliases, uh, safe house authorisation, family contacts. You know. The sucky part of my job. (Grace cracks a little smile) And I came across... a mistake in your file so I contacted Langley, turns out I don't have a proper clearance to my own job. GRACE: What did you find? MARSHALL: Marriage certificate from 7 years ago. Listen, if it supports just an outdated alias I probably ought to resend it sooner or later... you know. GRACE: (shaking his head a little) It's not a mistake. I was married. MARSHALL: Really. I'm sorry, I never heard you mention that. GRACE: For three years. Didn't work out. MARSHALL: Totally understand that. I mean, it's a - it's a struggle to - GRACE: (curtly) Hey do me a favour. Next time you have a question about my personal life, why don't you call me before Langley? MARSHALL: (stupefied) Absolutely. I - I'm really sorry. His computer starts beeping. MARSHALL: Uh oh. Camera pans to the computer screen: Breached apx: Currenttime }{ - 0400 hours Documents Compromised: Agnet Mortality Logs Contact Protocol Database Audio Field Journals Biometries logs and tables >> additional undetermined docs. Perpetrator identified as [pf21] Prophet Five ... GRACE: I'll get Jack. (He walks away.) Cuts to APO briefing room. Jack is standing up while Sydney, Dixon, Grace, Marshall and Rachel sits around the table. JACK: Four hours ago an agency facility storing closed matters was breached. (He presses on a button and the screen displays Peyton) Security cameras identifies the perpetrator as an operative of Prophet Five. RACHEL: Kelly Peyton. DIXON: Do we know what she took? JACK: Among the archives, were files of all our agents killed in the line of duty. Their contact protocols, audio field journals biometric read-outs (Sydney *looks* at him) SYDNEY: They were Vaughn's files, weren't they? (He looks at her) You were going to have to say it eventually. JACK: (nods) Yes, that's right. Sydney looks at him then looks away. DIXON: Why would they want Vaughn's files? JACK: Isn't clear at the moment, which leaves us in a vulnerable position. SLOANE: Vaughn's investigations of Prophet Five were off-the-books; it's unlikely he kept those records on CIA files. JACK: I've tasked Tom and Marshall on disabling all of Vaughn's official protocols. (he looks at Dixon) I'll like you to locate any of his old contacts to ensue a warning. Sloane will oversee Rachel in analysing the remainder of the intel. SYDNEY: Me? (She looks on, earnest) JACK: Though I would prefer to keep you close by, I know that's not an option. (There's a hint of a smile as he talks to Sydney. She gives him a "Well, what can you do about me?" look) Given her intimate knowledge of Prophet Five and her association with Vaughn, you should meet with Renee Rienne (Sydney nods) and see if she has any idea of what they may be looking for. SYDNEY: Yup, okay. (She collects the files and starts to leave. The others follow suit.) The camera pans to Sloane for a moment before moving back to Jack. JACK: Sydney. (She stops in front of him) You should know, when it comes to Vaughn... I take it quite personally. She nods. SYDNEY: I know, dad. JACK: We're gonna fix this. It's the expression of eternal gratitude again. She walks away abruptly, and the camera focuses on Jack... It's almost as if he has got something up his sleeves... Cut to some technician's place. It's Peyton's office. On someone's screen there are Vaughn's photos (the one the other man from Welcome to Liberty Village superimposed on the diver's suit). Peyton strides across the office. PEYTON: (to a group of people) Anything? WOMAN: Listen to this. (Peyton walks to her cubicle) PEYTON: The location? WOMAN: Not quite. But I think Vaughn shared it with Sydney Bristow. Peyton puts on the earphones. VAUGHN ON RECORDING: And I met this afternoon to discuss the protocol for her SD-6 counter-missions. I briefed Agent Bristow on the full scope of the operation. How far it reaches. PEYTON: Go back. VAUGHN ON RECORDING: I briefed Agent Bristow on the full scope of their operation. How far it reaches. WOMAN: She knows where it is. Cuts to DeSantis. DESANTIS (on the phone): And you're certain Agent Vaughn communicated this intelligence to her? Cuts to Peyton. PEYTON: Yes, according to his own CIA report. (she has a pleased look on her face) but it was several years ago. There's no guarantee Sydney will remember. DESANTIS: (over the phone) That's of no concern. (Cuts to him) An associate of mine will be able to refresh her memory. I'll forward you the contact protocols of Doctor Gonsalo Boris. He is going to ask for a lot of money. Tell him I will pay half. Have him waiting for me at the Athena facility. PEYTON: Then, you're suggesting that we abduct Sydney Bristow. (over the phone) Which you realise might compromise our larger agenda. DESANTIS: We've been searching for more than 30 years and this is the closest we've come to retrieving Horizon. (over the phone) If Sydney Bristow can tell us where it is, we must act immediately. It's a chance we have to take. Peyton switches off the call connection. MA[D]RID Ext. The busy streets of Madrid. The camera pans to a park, and a group of giggling school girls walk past Sydney, who is sitting on a bench. She looks around. Renee arrives. SYDNEY: Hello Renee. RENEE: You look beautiful. Sydney looks down at her stomach. SYDNEY: Doctor says it's my last week to fly. RENEE: (sits down beside Sydney) Which means this is a special visit. SYDNEY: Prophet Five is targeting some of Vaughn's CIA files. I need to know, did he make a record of your investigation? RENEE: No. It was all in our heads. (Sydney looks a little disappointed) SYDNEY: Then was there anything that Vaughn was working on, or - or any leads, or contacts that might be of value to Prophet Five now? RENEE: What's in the files? SYDNEY: Presumably everything he's worked on: SD-6, The Covenant, The Alliance... RENEE: Then, no. It's impossible. All he worked on SD-6 ...(Sydney notices two goons coming towards them) SYDNEY: (cuts in) Where did you park? RENEE: I walked. Why? SYDNEY: Let's move. (They get up and walk quickly) RENEE: There's a police station at the corner, you'll be safe. SYDNEY: Just take it easy, it might be nothing (re: Renee reaching into her pocket to take out her knives) The two goons get their guns out. RENEE: Go. Renee turns swiftly and throws her knives like daggers into their hearts and they stumble and fall. Sydney walks in front and screeching tires are heard. She is stopped by a van and two men clothed in black gets hold of her and injects her with a tranquilliser. She is rendered unconscious. RENEE: (shouts) Sydney! She sees two black vans driving away and takes out her gun, running after one of the vans. She shoots at the driver, and blood splatters up the windscreen. The van crashes into a car, then she takes out another gun (how many weapons does this woman keep in her pockets anyway?) and starts shooting at the storage space. She opens it and sees Desantis. RENEE: You... Where are they taking her? (he doesn't answer, so she shouts) Where are they taking her? CUT TO BLACK DOCTOR: I just sedated her with a drug (?) cocktail which should take full effects within minutes. (it looks like he is speaking to whoever is behind the one way mirror) It's a chemical process of forced hypnosis which will effectively numb the body but leaves the mind partially lucid, allowing me to access any (camera pans to Sydney) part of her memory you'd like. He walks to his desk again. DOCTOR: Which means, it's now time to tell me what it is you're looking for. DISTORTED VOICE: First I'd like some prove that this technique would work. DOCTOR: Of course. He fiddles with some buttons on the machine that Sydney is hooked up on, then faces Sydney. DOCTOR: Tell me your name. Sydney doesn't respond, and the doc tasers Sydney on her chin. She reacts physically. DOCTOR: Tell me your name... SYDNEY: Sydney Bristow. DOCTOR: That's it, girl. Sydney, I want you to remember Michael Vaughn... He uses the taser on her, this time on her forehead, and she reacts physically again. DOCTOR: Find him. Sydney is now struggling with her tears and trying her hardest not to cry. DOCTOR: Find him and remember the time when you were both happy... A time that was meaningful... Go back, Sydney... Find him... Sydney seems to be resisting, yet the scene transits to flashes of Vaughn in the plane (Search and Rescue) SYDNEY: (whisper) Vaughn... [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Sydney on the plane. She looks at her safety guard and a weird look is on her face; she adjusts the guard. Vaughn comes forward and sits next to her, just like it was in Search and Rescue. VAUGHN: I had it all planned out. (Cut to Sydney's bewildered face) SYDNEY: Vaughn...? VAUGHN: No, just, please; let me do this. SYDNEY: Do what? VAUGHN: I was going to take you to the beach, Santa Barbara, go for a walk, maybe; maybe during a sunset. But now, now we're here, and I have no idea (cut to Sydney who is still feeling extremely confused) what we're about to jump into. He reaches into his pocket and fishes the ring box out, opening it for Sydney. VAUGHN: I don't know if I'll get another chance to do this. SYDNEY: But, Vaughn, we already did this. (She shows him her ring on her finger) VAUGHN: (frowning) I don't understand. SYDNEY: (as if a light dawns upon her...) I think I do. The people you were looking for. The people behind Prophet Five. I think they're holding me. (she looks around conspicuously) VAUGHN: How do you know about Prophet Five? SYDNEY: You told me and they shot you. VAUGHN: What, they shot me? No, I'm here. SYDNEY: I know... They injected me with something, they hypnotised me... Trying to get something out of my head. VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: I don't know... But I think they're trying to use (camera cuts to hypnotised Sydney) you against me. DOCTOR: Stay with Vaughn, Sydney. Remember the love you feel for him. He uses the taser again, and the scene cuts back on the plane. She looks around. SYDNEY: I should go. VAUGHN: No. I don't wanna be without you. SYDNEY: I know... I miss you. Vaughn notices the lack of a ring on her finger. VAUGHN: Look. (She looks at her finger) Sydney Bristow, will you marry me? SYDNEY: I - I don't know what I'm supposed to say... VAUGHN: You're supposed to say 'yes'. She smiles genuinely. SYDNEY: Yes. (Cuts to hypnotised Sydney) I wanna marry you. DOCTOR: Ok, we've got it. Now perhaps you should tell me what we're looking for. [APO] DIXON: There's a call for you on the overseas line. They're following out contact protocol, but I don't recognize the voice. Jack picks up the phone. JACK: This is the director. Cut to Renee. Desantis is tied to a chair in the background, his chest heaving in his painful attempts to breathe. RENEE: Is this Sydney Bristow's father? Scene cut. At the APO briefing table. JACK: Prophet Five has Sydney. She was last seen in a black van heading west away from the Salamanca quarter. Rachel, access Madrid's surveillance infrastructure. RACHEL: Okay. She walks out. JACK: Marshall, monitor all movement through local port and airspace. MARSHALL: What's the timeline? JACK: She was abducted 40 minutes ago. MARSHALL: Well they could be out of the sea limits in 20! JACK: Then MOVE! MARSHALL: All right. He walks out, too. JACK: We're assuming Sydney's captor is connected to something that Prophet Five found in Vaughn's files. GRACE: I'll reassess it with that in mind. Grace walks away as well. Sloane and Dixon are the only ones left with Jack. JACK: Dr. Aldo Desantis was present at the ambush, which implies they may intend to use Sydney for a medical procedure. SLOANE: My God, the baby. JACK: Renee Rienne has Desantis in custody. I'm gonna join her and assist with the interrogation. DIXON: Do you want me to come with you? JACK: No I need you to run operations until I return. DIXON: I'll secure a flight to Spain for you. Dixon leaves. SLOANE: Where do you need me? JACK: You sure you have no means left by which to contact Prophet Five? SLOANE: Jack, I told you that Gordon Dean was my only resource. With him dead, I have nothing. JACK: Ok. Then use your underworld contacts. The news of a federal agent in captivity may have made the rounds. See if they know anything. SLOANE: I'll get right on it. Jack walks away, and off Sloane's face, the scene cuts to him talking on his cell phone on a rooftop SLOANE: This is Arvin Sloane. I'd like to speak to Mr. Ehrmann. (v.o.): Mr. Ehrmann is not available. SLOANE: This is an urgent matter. I need to speak to him. (v.o.): You're not playing by the rules, Mr. Sloane, remember, we contact you. SLOANE: A pregnant woman's life is at stake. Someone very dear to me. (v.o.): The only woman you can save is lying in a hospital bed. May I suggest you pick your battles, sir. SLOANE: (slightly desperate) Please! (v.o.) Goodbye Mr. Sloane. The other party hangs up, and Sloane flips his phone in dejection. Cut to a dark alleyway and then to Jack, knocking on a door. Renee opens, checks if anybody is behind him, and lets him in. RENEE: Jack? Do you have anything? JACK: Satellites lost her at the city limits. Desantis is strapped to a chair. RENEE: If we don't get him to a hospital he's gonna die. JACK: Has he given us anything? RENEE: Won't talk. I pulled this from his jacket. It's got dates. Addresses. They walk towards him. DESANTIS: So this is how you do it. Bringing a man in a suit to scare me into talking? JACK: You're right. The suit shouldn't scare you. What should scare you is that I'm a very concerned father. Jack whips out a small knife, walks towards Desantis menacingly... and in one swift motion, he slices Desantis' ear off. Desantis yowls in pain. Cut to hypnotised Sydney. DOCTOR: I'm gonna continue the regressive process, attaching her to a memory of Vaughn then taking her back through time until you get your answer. (He tasers Sydney) Sydney, I want you to remember the last time you were with Vaughn. Think of the comfort you feel when you're with him. Live there, in your memories. He uses the taser Sydney again and we cut to Vaughn lying in his hospital bed, right before he died Sydney sits next to his bed. SYDNEY: Vaughn? (she touches his face) Vaughn! He gets out of slumber and she smiles slightly at him. VAUGHN: Sorry, I guess I drifted off there. Hey, we should think about more names for the baby. SYDNEY: There will be plenty of time for that. VAUGHN: I know. What do you think about Oscar? SYDNEY: What if we have a girl? VAUGHN: I meant for a girl. (small laugh) I wish she were here already. I wanna meet her. SYDNEY: You will. VAUGHN: I know. Doctor guy enters, and places the cup of water on the sidetable. DOC GUY: Are you comfortable? VAUGHN: No. DOC GUY: When he feels ready, make sure he drinks it slow. Don't overdo, just a sip at a time. I'll be back soon. SYDNEY: Thank you. VAUGHN: Can I? I'm thirsty. She picks up the drink, about to give it to him when she realises... SYDNEY: I gave you this and then you crashed. Vaughn, I can't. VAUGHN: Syd, shhh! They can hear us. Come closer. (Syd leans in) You said it yourself. They're using me against you. The only way to defeat them, I need to go away. SYDNEY: (trying to control her tears) I don't care. I don't wanna say goodbye to you again. VAUGHN: I know. I know. It's ok. I need to go away. We'll find each other. Cut to the prison in North Korea SYDNEY: (in a continuation to Vaughn's previous words) We always find each other VAUGHN: Syd? SYDNEY: The baby kicked. VAUGHN: Really? What's it feel like? SYDNEY: Here. (she places Vaughn's hand on her stomach) VAUGHN: I don't feel anything. SYDNEY: Wait! ...there! VAUGHN: No I don't.... THAT? There are enormous grins on their faces. SYDNEY: Yeah. Cut to DOCTOR tasering Sydney again DOCTOR: Very good, Sydney. I want you to stay with Vaughn. Cut back to North Korea SYDNEY: Don't ever leave me. VAUGHN: Never. The guards come in. SYDNEY: Where are they taking us? VAUGHN: Nowhere good. Vaughn gets up and starts fighting the guards, walking outside... and disappears into thin air. Sydney hears Vaughn's voice coming from a radio one of the guards dropped. VAUGHN: Syd! SYDNEY: Vaughn? DOCTOR (on the radio thing): Don't let him go! Cut to DOCTOR: DOCTOR: I want you to stay with Vaughn, Sydney! He tasers her again. Cut to North Korea, Syd picks up the radio and hears Vaughn's voice again: VAUGHN: Sydney can you hear me? SYDNEY: Vaughn, where are you? VAUGHN: I...I'm losing... go to Che.... SYDNEY: Vaughn? Vaughn! DOCTOR (on the radio thing): Don't let him leave you, Sydney! Cut to Sydney's place, back where the episode started. Sydney hears the doctor on her radio. DOCTOR: Where is Vaughn? She fills the kettle again, taking it to the stove and examining the teabag. Vaughn comes back in with the groceries. VAUGHN: Back! Cut to Sydney in the torture chair. SYDNEY: What took you so long? DOCTOR: (pleased) They're back together. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Jack interrogating Desantis JACK: Tell me where they have my daughter. DESANTIS: I'll tell you nothing. JACK: You've been shot. You're lucky you survived the blood loss, though I am prepared to draw this out to the last second, make it as painful as it needs to be, until you tell me where she is. DESANTIS: Where she is does not matter. Your concern should be where she is going. RENEE: Jack! I found a repeating address in the calendar. JACK: Christina Crue 37E. That's in Hungary. RENEE: He had it marked three times in the last four months and once on this date. Three weeks from now. (Jack looks over at Desantis) Jack, what is it? JACK: That's Sydney's due date. Give me your gun. She hands it to him, and he walks to Desantis: he points the gun to his neck JACK: Tell me what is going to happen on Christina Crue 37E. DESANTIS: You'll never know. JACK: Is Sydney being held there? DESANTIS: (chuckles) Oh, of course not. JACK: You're lying. DESANTIS: Very well. Maybe I am lying. JACK: What's. There? DESANTIS: You can't do anything to be now. I'm quite prepared to die. Jack loosens his grip on Desantis' head, walks to Renee and hands her her gun. JACK: See if he means it. As he walks away, Renee walks towards Desantis - the splitting image of her father... JACK: (voiceover) Dixon, it's Jack. (scene cuts to him) I need you to prepare transport to Hungary. Behind him, Renee fires two shots. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sydney. Think back to a comforting time. The place you were the first time you realise that Vaughn really cared for you. SCENE CUTS TO: Pier, night. The exact replica of the famous scene in 1x04, A Broken Heart. The carousel is at the background. Sydney looks at Vaughn, who is looking beyond the ocean, possibly enjoying the zephyr breeze. VAUGHN: I forgot how beautiful it is. The ocean. They share a smile. SYDNEY: Yeah. We should've come here more often. Her phone rings, and she fishes it out from her bag, bringing it to her ear. DOCTOR: (on the phone) Draw me a map. How far it reaches. She looks shocked, then throws it into the Pacific. The phone makes a splash. Vaughn looks at her. SYDNEY: They're pushing me closer. VAUGHN: What do they want? SYDNEY: I don't know.. Something about a map. VAUGHN: A map? Her phone rings again... DOCTOR: (on the phone) Listen to me. Draw me a map. How far it reaches... She throws it into the Pacific again. VAUGHN: (a small laugh) You just threw your phone into the Pacific. Twice. SYDNEY: (she laughs) I know. They grin... She looks pleased with herself.... The mood shifts suddenly, a heavy weight in the air. VAUGHN: Listen to me. You've got to let me go. SYDNEY: (blinks back tears) I can't. VAUGHN: You have to. SYDNEY: I can't, Vaughn... I can't stand it. Being here without you... VAUGHN: Sydney... SYDNEY: I feel like I'm losing my mind! I do. (she takes a deep breath) I don't even know who I am anymore, what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it... VAUGHN: Okay, stop. You remember the last time we were here? Your contact has just been killed in Morocco and your world was collapsing around you and I told you that even in the middle of all these darkness you could not allow it to swallow you. SYDNEY: You gave me strength. VAUGHN: Yeah... but the truth is, the truth has always been you are the one who has kept the darkness from overtaking me. You can do this. I know you can do this. I've seen you do this time and time again! Sydney's on the verge of tears. VAUGHN: I gotta go. And you are gonna take these guys down. Okay? He touches her face... she is reluctant, but lets him leave; her view of his retreating back getting smaller and smaller. DOCTOR: (voiceover) She's fighting the process. I want you to stay with Vaughn, Sydney. He uses the taser on her... She reacts, then the scene cuts to the warehouse. Specifically, the scene is the lie detector scene from 1x08: Time Will Tell. VAUGHN: If you don't say goodbye to me, they win. SYDNEY: I can't do it on my own. VAUGHN: I'm not here. This isn't real. None of this is real. He places his hand on her face again... SYDNEY: It's real to me. That's all that matters. VAUGHN: No. Don't say that. That's what they want you to say. SYDNEY: But do you know what I want? I want the world to forget about us. I'm tired, Vaughn. I'm tired of having this weight on my shoulder. I - I don't want to be the one who has to save the world. I want you back. I want you all to myself. I want to go away, just you and me and our baby; somewhere no one can bother us, on a deserted island. (pause) I want out. Scene cuts to hypnotised Sydney SYDNEY: I don't care if they win, Vaughn. I don't care. I just want you to stay with me. DOCTOR: That's it. He turns to the one way mirror. DOCTOR: We got her. DISTORTED VOICE: Excellent. Now I want the map of SD-6. Scene cuts to the blood mobile... Specifically the scene 1x02: And So It Begins. SYDNEY: I want no more of these spy crap, I just (she sniffles) ... That's why I went to you in the first place. So just listen to me... And I will give you in record time the names of people who will render SD-6 useless. VAUGHN: Record time? SYDNEY: Two months, tops, and then I'm out. I walk. Note: While she said these lines like they were in And So It Begins, her face tells an entirely different story as her eyes were filled with tears and she struggles to keep them back. VAUGHN: Draw me a map of SD-6. And all its allies. How far you think it reaches. Draw me a family tree of SD-6 and how deep it goes. (She looks at him) Just do it! Sydney draws it on a piece of paper... Pushes it towards him. It's the same map she drew. Vaughn stands up and takes the larger map down. He unrolls it. VAUGHN: This is what you're in the middle of. This isn't about cutting off the arm of the monster. This is about killing the monster. Scene cuts to the doctor. DOCTOR: Focus on the map. VAUGHN: The upper right corner. What do you see? DOCTOR: There's a name... What is it? VAUGHN: Tell me what it is. She doesn't want to... Looking up to Vaughn with glassy eyes, only to be met by his slight smile... Scene cuts to her hypnotised. SYDNEY: X23 - Norte. DOCTOR: Well done... Scene cuts to Vaughn... who assumes the voice of the doctor. VAUGHN: Well done. SYDNEY: (hypnotised) (whispering) Vaughn... DISTORTED VOICE: Thank you doctor. Then, in the way we all love Alias... The captor's face is revealed: It's Irina. She talks to Peyton. IRINA: I'll let my sources know we got the location of The Horizon. I'll be back in a few days. Until then, keep her comfortable. Scene cuts to hypnotised Sydney. Cut to a beautiful tropical beach. Vaughn is waiting in a white suit and Sydney is walking in his direction. SYDNEY : Do you hear that? VAUGHN : I didn't hear anything. SYDNEY : I know. It's great, isn't it? (Sydney catches the left hand of Vaughn) I wish we could stay here like this forever. VAUGHN : There's nothing I want more. They're gonna figure it out, Syd. Sooner or later, they're gonna know you gave'em the wrong name. And when they do, I can't be here. They'll keep using me against you. They won't stop until they get what they want. I have to go. SYDNEY : I know. VAUGHN : We'll find each other. We always find each other. They kiss on this beautiful beach. Cut to hypnotised Sydney, who seems more confident. In Hungary, Jack and Renee are in a black car in front of the building where Sydney is presumably held. JACK: Unit three is on the third floor. RENEE: The lease expired 16 years ago. JACK: Nevertheless. In the laboratory, with the chemicals wearing off, Sydney opens her eyes and finds Peyton unstrapping her. Syd stabs Peyton with the drug and escapes. In Hungary, Jack and Renee, weapons in the hands climb a stair. Meanwhile, still groggy, Sydney finds her way around narrow corridors... Renee and Jack find a room with an empty nursery. No trace of Sydney! JACK : Good Lord. Sydney opens a last metallic door, and watches a helicopter flying away. After walking down a red stair, she discovers that she's on a ship at sea.
doc_68
At Degrassi, Emma is walking into school as Jay is lifting up Alex Alex: Ow, stop. Amy: I love how mature your boyfriend is. Alex: Put me down. Great the first doctor's note I have that isn't a forgery and Mr. 'I can pick up a girl' has to make it look all suspicious. (Emma and Jay look at each other, so he kisses Alex.) Nate: Hey Emma, did JT say where we're supposed to leave our costumes? (Emma kisses Nate, as Jay, Snake and Manny all watch shocked.) Nate: I've had more conversations with the janitor than I've had with you. Emma: I was acting. Just kissing all my nerves out pre-dress rehearsal. But don't worry Nate. I'll wait for my cue next time! In the library, Jay grabs Emma Jay: Are you hot for Dracula? Or are you trying to mess with me? Emma: Are you gonna be in the ravine again tonight? Are we gonna party? I think I need another bracelet. Jay: I don't like being messed with, okay? Emma: I know. Mr. Simpson: I need a minute with my daughter. Jay: Oh that's adorable, sir. Mr. Simpson: Cut the commentary Jason. Go. (Jay leaves.) Emma: And stand by for concerned father figure lecture. Mr. Simpson: You come in at 3 in the morning hysterical, crying, wanting to talk about the shooting and now you're kissing random guys? Emma: It wasn't random. Mr. Simpson: Please Em. Let me, let me be here for you. Let me talk to you. Emma: The bell's gonna go. At the hospital, Marco is taking a picture of Jimmy and a nurse Paula: Thanks Marco. Taping this one right to my computer monitor. Take care Jimmy. Jimmy: Poor nurse Paula. She's gonna miss me, but home has a full fridge and a wide screen. Marco: Craig and I can come, hang out, without visiting hours! We can play Kid Elrick as loud as we want! Craig: Yeah, your dad can tuck you in instead of nurse Paula! Jimmy: She's the only thing I'm gonna miss about this place. (Jimmy's dad knocks on the door.) Jimmy: Block the doorway pops! No time for speed bumps. You ready? Mr. Brooks: You look good Jim. Jimmy: I don't like you look good Jim. Mr. Brooks: The rails they're putting in at the condo, they're not done. Not yet. Jimmy: So? Mr. Brooks: So I'm all over the contractors. Jimmy: So? Mr. Brooks: One more week tops! Maybe sooner if I can string it. Craig: Mr. Brooks, Jimmy gets around well. Mr. Brooks: I know Jimmy's made great progress but I can't be with him 24/7 right now and I don't want something happening. Something that's gonna trash all the progress that he's made. Marco: He really wants to go. What about Mrs. Brooks or a nurse?! I mean we could even help out! Jimmy: Forget it guys. Whatever. In the auditorium, Danny is on stage Danny: Sixteenth, May. Castle Dracula, his avital prison and die in it's prisoner. Worse. I fear I may be going mad! (He keeps talking and it cuts to Emma & Manny) Manny: If Nate was fifty and fat you could have caused cardiac arrest. Emma: Anything for the theatre! Liberty: Shh! Manny: I need complete teen girl details! Why, good, tongue, like it or not. Bring the answers over tonight. Emma: I have to go to the ravine tonight. I'm meeting some people. JT: Is it too much to ask for silence in the peanut gallery! Danny: There in the moonlight were three young women. Three... JT: Am I ever gonna get three of them? Amy: Alex was at the doctor's. She should be back. (Alex and Jay come rushing in.) Jay: Lexy it was nothing. Come on! JT: Lexy is late for her scene! Alex: You want a scene JT?! Hey best friend Amy let's give JT a scene! *She smacks Amy nice and hard* Tell me about the ravine Amy! About how you went down on my boyfriend, Amy and the bracelets you got for it! Amy: I didn't sleep with him! (Manny sees Emma covering up her bracelets.) Alex: By who's definition?! Jay: Let's step outside Alex. Alex: Don't touch me. Don't talk to me. I'll deck your smug face too! At the hospital Paula: Shake it off mopey Brooks. Jimmy: I'm not mopey! Paula: You know a chair's only a prison if you let it be. Jimmy: Stop the inspirational quotes. I'm not buying it. Paula: What you shouldn't buy is your dad's attitude. You and I both know Jimmy Brooks can do whatever he sets his mind to. At least I know it. Outside the school Manny: It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure it out. Why would you hook up with Jay? Are you in love with him? Emma: No! Of course not. Manny: So, what do you get out of it?! Emma: That's a really stupid question. Manny: No, what you're doing is stupid. You're letting a disgusting bottom feeder use you to serial cheat on his girlfriend! Emma: Should you really be preaching to anyone about that?! We're not having real s*x. Manny: It's pretty close. Emma: But I'm not getting pregnant. Manny: Why are you trying to hurt me? Emma: Cause you won't leave me alone! Manny: You're better than this! You're better than what you're doing! Emma: What do you know about who I am or what I'm worth or anything?! At the hospital Marco: Special delivery from the sorry your dadda sucks pizzeria! Jimmy: Uh I'll hold out till tomorrow. Craig: What's tomorrow? Jimmy: Student council prez man gets you both out of school and then you come over here and bust me out. Craig: Sounds like trouble. Marco: (stuttering) I'm not good with trouble. Jimmy: I need to see something beyond you two and these ugly ass walls. Marco: Tomorrow. Craig: You're Houdini on wheels! Jimmy: (Pulls out a newspaper) Okay and Houdini wants to see Kid Elrick live tomorrow night! Yeah! At the ravine Emma: Hey have you seen Jay? Some guy: Hang with me instead. You could use another friend right? Emma: Friends with benefits. Some guy: Hey we could all use a good benefit too. Emma: Maybe next time. (Emma leaves and finds Jay's car.) Emma: Jay. Can I climb in? I went to the ravine, but you weren't there Jay: My day kind of sucked in case you didn't notice. Emma: So let's make you feel better. Jay: Alex is sick with some thing. She thinks I gave it to her and she won't talk to me so I don't feel like it tonight. Emma: Oh you gonna cry now?! Jay: You are one cold girl. Emma: There's a ton of guys who would love a chance to be with me. Jay: Right now, I'm not one of them. At the hospital, Marco and Jimmy are wearing black hoods Jimmy: It's uh sweet of you to bring this incredible disguise. Hate to tell you but uh it does absolutely nothing to hide this enormous shiny mass of scrap metal that I'm sitting in. Marco: I though it'd be cool to look like ninjas. Hush! He's coming! Here he comes! (Craig walks in wearing a trench coat and a hat.) Craig: I'm here for Dr. Shinklehatin. Receptionist: I'm sorry? Craig: I mean Dr. Shpitzlehaven. Receptionist: Sir I'm afraid we don't have anyone here by that name. (The phone rings.) Receptionist: HS Rye Recovery Centre. Good afternoon. Craig: Dr. Shpilkimishin?!? Marco: (On a cell phone) This is uh, This is uh, Dr. Smitgiztinsky. It's an emergency of the highest degree. (Craig starts breathing loudly and grabs his chest.) Receptionist: Are you okay sir? Craig: Go get Dr. Shunckenhoser! Marco: The man in front of you is uh extremely dangerous. I ask you to leave the area. Abandon it now! Receptionist: (As she's getting up to run away) Could you uh wait here sir... Craig: Go get Dr. Shuckenhoser! (The guys quickly rush for the door.) Marco: Go! Go! Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] In the auditorium Emma: Jay! Jay. Um...about last night. Jay: You alright? Emma: Yeah. It's just a sore throat. That's all. I don't care about Alex or anything you know. Really I don't. JT: Raw egg, honey and lemon. Drink Emma: JT! My voice is just tired. That's all. JT: Just drink okay? You told me you'd be able to do the show, so you're gonna do the show, period. Emma: Ugh. This stuff is so rude. In a classroom Teacher: Come on, take your seat the both of you! JT: Public health nurse? Oh goody. Another evil omen to put me at calm. Nurse: Show of hands. Oral s*x is safer than regular intercourse? (A few people put up their hands.) Nurse: Okay. We think there's been a mini outbreak. Here. At Degrassi. Of this. Manny: Gonorrhea!?! (Everyone looks at her.) Manny: Sorry. Did I just say that out loud...? Nurse: It's not a very nice word is it? Gonorrhea. And how do you know if you have gonorrhea? Well...some symptoms are genital dischard, bleeding, burning, orally you might get a fever or sore throat JT: Hey Em. You got something to tell us? Emma: Shut up. Nurse: And sometimes those with the disease show no symptoms at all. Lucky, you might think. Think again. Untreated gonorrhea can cause arthritis, heart disease, infertility. Okay. Recognize this? (Picture of a condom) Good. If you've had any s*x without using one of these you are at risk. This applies to oral s*x as well. Especially if you've had it with a bunch of people or if your partner has. At the concert Jimmy: That was so incredibly stupid. Craig: You're here aren't you?! Breathing fresh bar air. (Two girls walk by and smile at Jimmy.) Marco: Mr. mobility just got checked out. Jimmy: It was more like a 'what's with the gimp, drive-by'. (Jimmy backs his chair into a guy who spills his food.) Jimmy: Oh. Man, I'm so sorry. The guy: Leave it. Jimmy: You sure? I'm really sorry. Okay guys lets go back. Now. Craig: Not unless the Kid is performing live in your hospital. Come on! Backstage at the school Liberty: I can't believe I have to be Alex. Tell me you're as nervous as I am! Manny: Is the Pope a Catholic? Does Jay have gonorrhea? Emma: Manny. Manny: Amy and Alex happen to be sick? What are you gonna do out there? Emma: I'm Emma. I play the part of Mina. Manny: If you have any conscience at all you will not kiss Dracula. (Emma gives her a dirty look and grabs her stuff.) Manny: Emma! Back at the concert Jimmy: The Kid's gonna be on any second. I can't see a thing. Marco: There aren't really any wheelchair seats. There aren't any seats. Craig: Maybe there's some down in front. Marco: Maybe there's a manager. Jimmy: You guys can't leave me here. Craig: Just two seconds, ok buddy?! (The show starts.) Jimmy: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! I can't really see. The guy: No problem man. (Jimmy wheels his chair to the front and he starts rocking out in his chair.) In the auditorium Nate: Then my brain says come to you. You shall cross land or sea to do my bidding and to that end...this! Emma: But no. I cannot. Dracula... (He leans in and doesn't kiss her.) Emma: What are you doing?! Nate: Keep going. Emma: What have I done? What have I done to deserve such a fate?! I have walked in meekness and righteousness all my days! God pity me! (He grabs her, the lights go out and people start clapping.) Backstage Emma: You threw the scene. That was completely unprofessional! Nate: I'd rather be that than diseased. Emma: What did you say? Nate: There isn't enough antibiotic in the world that would make me kiss you. And that little smooch in the hall the other day, who knows what I caught from that! Thanks so much! Jay: Screw him. Emma: Why did you do this to me? Jay: I didn't do anything! Emma: You gave me a social disease! Jay: You said you didn't care. Even this morning you said that! Emma: Just leave me alone okay! Jay: Look I never told Alex about you Emma. I liked how you had virtue or whatever. Emma: I don't. Not any of that. Jay: Come on. Who are you trying to fool? Everybody knows. Everybody knows about the real you! Just- (Emma leaves and watches the play sadly from the side.) At the hospital, the guys are going back to Jimmy's room Craig: Man we were so close, the Kid was basically sweating on us! Marco: I am never gonna shower. Craig: What?! (The guys are laughing, and when they get to the room and Jimmy's dad is standing there waiting.) Mr. Brooks: Your nurse called. Furious! Jimmy: So what are you gonna do? Ground me? Look. Today was an obstacle course okay? And I brought my A game. I had an A game! Mr. Brooks: James listen. Jimmy: No, I'm ready to come home! Now you have to be ready for it! Mr. Brooks: Will you be here tomorrow morning? Jimmy: Depends. What are you offering? Mr. Brooks: Find you a home care person to fill in the gap, be with you all the time. Okay? Jimmy: Okay. Thank you. At Emma's Spike: She was so amazing. I couldn't believe it was the same girl. Mr. Simpson: Kate Hepburn was reborn. Spike: Did we wake you, Ms. Hepburn? Emma: I wasn't asleep. Mr. Simpson: Post show adrenaline. Probably feel fantastic right now, huh? Spike: And for the record Snake and me walking on egg shells around you is officially over. Our girl's back! Emma: I just wanted you to be proud before. How brave and perfect I was. And after everything happened and Rick died, I couldn't hold onto it anymore. Spike: You don't have to be brave or perfect ever. Just be you. Emma: But what if I don't like me very much right now? (Emma starts crying) I need somebody to take me to the clinic. Spike: Are you sick? Do you have a fever? Emma: I just need to go to the health unit. Tomorrow. Mr. Simpson: There's something going around the school right now, but it's a very specific group. And Em, if you're worried, there's a good chance you don't have to be. Emma: I have to be. Spike: Emma. Emma: Just say you'll take me. Just say. (Spike hugs her, as she's still crying) Scenes for next week Voiceover: With Jimmy's return to school, Spinner must now face the truth. Spinner: I would have come, but things got crazy... Jimmy: I understand. I probably should have been there with you instead of at the hospital getting a bullet removed from my spine. Voiceover: And reveal what really happened that day. Jimmy: Rick put me in this chair for life!
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Opening scene - Hospital - the first thing we see is a black screen with the sound of a siren, and what sounds like a dispatch message. I cannot make out the actual words sorry. we see the hospital doors open and paramedics rushing a stretcher inside, there is a bright light so its difficult to see everything - all the talking in this scene is very echoey, and distant. it's very reflective of the situation. there are also a few voiceovers from 224, which I think were done great!) Paramedic: I got a gun shot wound exited the right clavicle, punctured an artery (we see a close up of Trey, and the other paramedic is holding a breathing thing over his mouth. a doctor comes down the corridor, putting a gown on) Dr: he still alive Paramedic: not for long V.O Ryan: how could you man...I would'a done anything for you (we see Trey kind of moving his head a little, then we see the ceiling of the hospital as if we are seeing what Trey is seeing. we then see Ryan & Marissa coming in through the hospital doors, they both look worried and scared) V.O Trey: look man, it was messed up, I was stoned (an officer comes into the shot and walks over to Ryan and Marissa as they are coming in) Officer: we've still got some more questions for you (Ryan walks passed the officer and over towards Trey) Ryan: I've jus gotta see if he's gonna be ok (we see Trey, still with the breathing thing over his mouth, being pushed away. there is another voice over here but its at the same time as the next line so I cant tell what it is, its possibly a scream/cry from Marissa) Marissa: (worried, to a nurse) he's not gonna die, right (behind Marissa we see Seth and Summer enter, they both look worried as well, and they are looking in the direction of Marissa/Ryan/Trey. behind them we can see the ambulance Trey came out of) V.O Ryan: it wasn't my idea Trey, I didn't wanna steal that car (we see another shot of Trey, which is a close up of his bloody face, and a little of his chest. here we see a bit of the hospital roof and light, but also blended into it is the scene where Trey pulled the gun on Ryan at his apartment in 224. its been done similar to how we saw the Ryan/Marissa 'who are you' scene during the Ryan/Lindsay car conversation of 208 . its a blink and you'll miss it deal :)) V.O Trey: hey man I went away for it an uh you got the good life V.O Ryan: so you had to destroy it, you had to hurt her, huh (the last thing we see is Trey pointing the gun at Ryan, then we see the hospital light again and Trey being rushed down the corridor. Ryan comes around the corner, behind Trey, the doctor and the paramedics) Ryan: hey, he's my brother, is he gonna be ok Dr: he'd be better if someone hadn't shot him (the Dr and paramedics move the stretcher closer to the bed, nurses are also there) Dr: he's lost alot of blood so (turns around and sees Ryan) Jesus what the hell happened'a you Ryan: (looks at Dr) nothing I'm fine Dr: (yells) could someone look at this kid (Ryan turns away from the Dr and everything goes blurry) Officer: just as soon as we're done talking to him (we see a close up of Ryan, and he has a noticeable bruise, and bloody nose, he also looks out of it. he looks away from the officer and back at Trey. we see Trey being moved over to the bed, then someone squeezing the breathing thing over his mouth. we then see Marissa and Summer standing together near the hospital doors, an officer is with them) Marissa: (yells) Ryan (Ryan turns to face Marissa, she puts her hand out to Ryan helplessly) Officer: (holding the gun) did you discharge this weapon man Marissa: (looks at officer, frustrated) yes I already t- Ryan: (yells urgently) don't answer him, don't say anything (the officer near Ryan looks over towards Marissa, shocked. Marissa looks at Ryan and shrugs. the background goes out of focus, Seth comes into the shot clearly on the right hand side) Seth: you ok (Ryan looks at him) Dr: we're losing him (Ryan turns towards where they are working on Trey. we see a very quick flashback of Trey and Ryan, then we see them still working on Trey, squeezing the breathing thing. Ryan looks away from Trey and back towards Seth, dazed. we see how Ryan is seeing, which is Seth as wavy, then squashed/ stretched) Seth: you alright (Ryan looks at Seth, blinking and breathing heavily. his vision is now bordering on blurry. we can see Marissa out of focus in the background still. Sandy comes through the hospital doors) Sandy: Ryan (Ryan looks at him, still blinking and dazed) Seth...you ok (Ryan is now seeing Sandy as short/fat, and wavy. we see Ryan looking at Sandy & Seth, growing more and more disoriented till he falls and passes out on the floor. we see what he is seeing as he falls, then we hear the thud and see Ryan on his stomach next to Treys bed. - we then abruptly cut to the pool house where Ryan has jolted himself awake. he blinks and slightly lifts his head, we can see a bit of sun on his cheek. he looks freaked out. he then lifts his head more and opens his eyes wider. he rubs his hand down his face, and sniffs. we then see Ryan sitting up on his elbow in bed, we can also see a silhouette at his door, and then we hear a knock. Seth opens the door and walks in, in true Seth style, lol) Seth: hey man, I jus wanted you ta know that uh (stops and looks at Ryan worried) you ok Ryan: (looks at Seth, then looks away and sighs) I just had the worst nightmare (raises eyebrows) Seth: yeah, I got some...bad news Ryan: it wasn't a dream (closes eyes) yeah, yeah I know (opens eyes) Seth: well that lawyer guys on his way over so... Ryan: (softly) thankyou (Seth turns and leaves. we see a close up of Ryan who looks worried) Cooper-Nichol veranda - we see an aerial shot of the pool, and Marissa and Summer sun-baking beside it. think 201. it then changes to a front on shot of them, but it's as if it's on top of the pool water, half way through Summers line it changes to a close up of them. Marissa has her head back, with sunglasses on Summer: you know Coop, if you had of asked what we'd be doing the weekend before senior year (thinks) I probably would've said a road trip to Rosarito or rush week at SU with college boys Marissa: an waiting to get charged with manslaughter Summer: (shakes head) wouldnt'a made the list (looks at Marissa) mm-mm...(reassuringly) your gonna get through this Coop (looks at Marissa with one eye open, one closed from the sun) your innocent you were saving Ryan's life Marissa: (lifts head) try explaining that to Ryan Summer: he understands why you did it he's not mad (shakes head) Marissa: its jus like this... weird horrible thing (lays head back) hanging over us...like the elephant in the room...or an intensive care unit Summer: (frowns) before Trey I never actually knew anyone in a coma (shakes head) well I mean on the valley there's someone in a coma (Marissa frowns) like every week but I think they only do that so that when the person wakes up another actor can play the part (nods, confidently) Marissa: (raises eyebrows) unfortunately if Trey wakes up he's still gonna be Trey...if he wakes up (looks down) Summer: you've got'to admit Coop (Marissa looks at her) whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honour, god that is SO-FREAKING-HOT (Marissa doesn't say anything) ...in a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way Marissa: I really wish that helped me sleep at night Summer (puts head back) Summer: (frowns, concerned) you're still not sleeping Marissa: I shot someone Sum (Summer looks at her, then away) an even if he lives, which...is a big if, I'm still gonna have'to live with that for the rest of my life Summer: (nods) oh (puts head back & closes eyes) senior year Marissa: (scoffs) should be all time (half smiles) (we see the backs of the pool chairs and a shot of the house) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy pours a whole pot of coffee into a tall mug DDA: thaaanks a bunch, Sandy Sandy: if a pot'n a half isn't enough to get you through the morning (holds out mug) I can make some more DDA: that'd be great (drinks) (Sandy looks at the DA and then picks up the pot to refill it) Sandy: sorry for the mess, its ben a little hectic (looks over) Seth'll be right down DDA: (frowns) and Mr. Atwood Sandy: he's gettin' dressed, well the kids've ben through alot this summer with all this hangin over them, and now school is starting DDA: which is why the DA wants to get moving, we waited as long as we could for the other Mr. Atwood to wake up but I'm getting alotta calls from parents...DA's under alotta pressure ta prosecute (drinks) Sandy: except there's nothin ta prosecute, Marissa's protected under the defense of others (looks at DDA) of course your boss may not find that very sexy DDA: quite true...(looks at Sandy) DA's not lookin to go after Marissa Sandy: (looks at DDA, annoyed) Ryan's innocent...you got his statement at the scene an hers DDA: look at the record Ryan's got, his history of violence...an Caleb Nichols daughters the one blowin away ex cons with a forty five Sandy: (looks at DDA) she saved Ryan's life DDA: what was he doin over at Treys in the first place, his brother tried to rape his girlfriend (Sandy pours more coffee) we've got cause Sandy: yeah, an ya got witnesses DDA: well the only people who saw the gun go off were Mr. Atwood Miss Cooper an the other Mr. Atwood, who (raises eyebrows) may or may not wake up Sandy: (turns to face DDA) if you go after Ryan even if he's brought in on charges...social services could take him away from us DDA: which explains Miss Coopers motivation to cover for him (nods confidently) Mr. Atwood's got alot more to lose (Sandy glares at the DDA then turns back to the coffee) DDA: where is your wife anyway Sandy: (sighs) she's outta town CUT TO: Suriak Treatment Centre garden - we see a close up of Kirsten, as the scene goes on we see that she is in a group therapy session and Dr Woodruff is there leading it Kirsten: my name is Kirsten an I'm an alcoholic Group: hi Kirsten (we can now see they are all seated on chairs around the fountain) Dr W: Kirsten your progress here at Suriak has ben...truly wonderful to watch (nods) your a model patient for...everyone here (everyone looks towards Kirsten, however one patient near Kirsten looks more interested than the rest. a woman who is one person away from Kirsten, we find out later her name is Charlotte) Kirsten: (shy) well I don't know about that...I mean Shelley is definitely better at poker (Shelley looks worried) she's cleaned me out (everyone laughs) Kirsten: (smiles, looks down) but...being here has given me the clarity to understand...why I turned to alcohol in the first place Dr W: an...do you feel comfortable sharing with the group uh why that was Kirsten: uh sure...I mean we're all in this together...I uh (thinks) I guess it begins and ends with my dad (nods, frowns) he was (shakes head, closes eyes) an amazing man (shrugs) but controlling...and...I realised that I was living his life not mine (Dr W listens) after my mother died I did everything (Charlotte is listening intently) I could to please him (sighs) but I realised that no matter how hard I worked or how hard I tried- Charlotte: it was never enough (Kirsten looks at her) ...I'm sorry Kirsten: (suprised) uh, no (looks at Charlotte) no its true it was never enough, became my mantra (smiles) ...I was never a good enough wife or a mom (raises eyebrows) because I wasn't a good enough daughter Dr W: (points at Kirsten) the power that comes with that kind of difficult realisation, will be invaluable after you leave us Kirsten: are you trying'to get rid'a me (smiles) (everyone laughs) Dr W: well, it sounds to me like uh Suriak's work is done (Kirsten smiles, then looks unsure) you'll need ta get a sponsor...an attend meetings...but there's no reason you can't do that from your home (Charlotte looks at Kirsten, as if she knows Kirsten isn't ready yet) Kirsten: great (forces a smile) CUT TO: Cohen dining room - Ryan is sitting on one side of the table with his hands clasped together in front of him, and the DDA is sitting opposite him. Sandy is standing at the end of the table, close by. this scene changes between Ryan and Seth, kind of a blend of their 2 depositions so you'll know who's it was depending on who is talking, Ryan or Seth DDA: Mr. Atwood (Ryan looks away) do you swear to tell the truth an nothing but the truth so help you god- Ryan: (fed up) I do (sighs) DDA: well then you won't mind if I record this deposition (slides recorder across the table) Seth: sure, record it, release it on ITunes, I hope it's a really big hit Sandy: (not amused) just answer the questions Ryan: (looks at Sandy) I've already answered all of these questions (looks at DDA) I have nothing new'to say (looks down) DDA: well your previous statement came at the hospital...it was traumatic its ben a couple'a months maybe you remember things differently now Seth: I remember everything exactly as I told you DDA: well then you can tell me again Ryan: ...I (leans forward) confronted Trey about what had happened and that's when he pulled the gun on me Seth: then we called Marissa to see if maybe she could stop Ryan Ryan: an that's when Marissa saved my life DDA: you mean, that's when Marissa shot Trey (Seth nods) an you witnessed the shooting Seth: well it was clear w- when we got there what had happened DDA: just answer the question Ryan: (yells, fed up) no I did not (calmer) I didn't- (raises eyebrows) an-an an I didn't shoot him (Sandy looks at DDA) DDA: young fingerprints are on the gun Ryan: yeah because I put the safety back on to make sure it didn't go off again (we see a close up of the recorder) Ryan: we-we (agitated, sighs) ...we weren't exactly thinking at the time DDA: so one final question, what were you afraid (frowns) was going to happen between Ryan an his brother...why were you trying to stop him (Seth doesn't say anything, Sandy looks down) DDA: you went to Treys that night to kill your brother (Ryan looks at him) didn't you Mr. Atwood (Ryan swallows and doesn't say anything. we see a close up of the recorder just as it stops recording) CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Jimmy is setting the table and Julie is in front of him looking at herself in the reflection of a window Jimmy: (puts plate down) so what kind'a food d'you think prosecutors like Julie: (fixes hair) cause that's what's important here Jimmy (sighs, turns around) ok so (holds out hands) does this look like the outfit the mother of an innocent girl would wear Jimmy: yeah well at least somebody has their priorities in order... Julie: (sighs) I just hope Marissa listens to me, and our attorney, the last thing we need is her admitting ta the DA that she shot someone Jimmy: Jules (looks at Julie, confused) she already admitted it Julie: she wasn't in a right frame of mind when she spoke to the police...its not like she's a trained assassin Jimmy: uh-huh so-so (frowns) what's our story, Trey shot himself...in the back Julie: no, Jimmy, be reasonable Jimmy: she's not gonna lie an say Ryan did it, they already have her statement Julie: nobody believes her, they all think she's protecting him Jimmy: (looks at Julie) so you want Ryan to go away for this Julie: ...all I know is that before he moved to Newport our lives were alot more normal, stable Jimmy: (nods) uh-huh so it's his fault that I went bankrupt an nearly went to jail, an you married Caleb Nichol (raises eyebrows) only to watch him drown in a pool annnn Trey got shot (moves closer to Julie) Julie: (not amused) Jimmy, not everything I say is meant literally, I'm venting (faces Jimmy) look I wish none'a this ever happened but it did, an we have a chance to be a family again...I don't wanna lose that (Jimmy puts his hand on her shoulder) l w- put out some crudités' an the guda ill go see if Marissa's out of the shower (Julie goes inside and Jimmy turns around, looking worried) CUT TO: Pool House - Ryan comes out of the bathroom with a towel over his shoulder and Seth comes to the open doors from outside Seth: (calls out) hey, you decent (Ryan shuts the bathroom door) thought maybe you could...use a post-depo-dip Ryan: (holds up the towel) I just showered Seth: mmm a fair point, then we'll stay away from aquatic activity something land locked maybe Ryan: (thinks) I'm gonna visit Trey Seth: I was gonna go with a movie, this bein the time when Hollywood dumps their crappy would be blockbusters which we could mock (touches his chest) an thus feel better about ourselves Ryan: (ignoring Seth, stands) you got the keys (raises eyebrows) Seth: but (puts up finger) visiting your comatose brother in the I.C.U that's...also an excellent way ta relax an blow off steam so ill drive Ryan: awesome (Seth turns around and goes out the doors. Ryan is behind him) CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Jimmy, Julie, the DDA from earlier and Mr. Esbenshade are standing together near the table Julie: (holding jug) Mr. Caldwell, would you like some more lemonade (smiles) Mr. Esbenshade (Mr. Esbenshade shakes his head and mouths 'no thanks' at Julie) Julie: oh come on its ok for a prosecutor an defense attorney to have a glass of lemonade together (Mr. Esbenshade smiles) we're all human beings here Jimmy: (frowns) I'm not so sure about these guys (Julie turns around and looks at Jimmy. Marissa and Summer come out the door) DDA: Miss Cooper (Marissa and Summer reluctantly walk over, they both look unsure) DDA: I'm Deputy District Attorney Chris Caldwell ill be conducting this deposition Marissa: hi (looks down) uh where do you want us ta sit DDA: actually (looks at Summer) Miss Roberts cant be present (Marissa frowns) we wouldn't want you influencing her testimony Marissa: (confused) she (points) knows what you know which is the truth, which is what I already told you people DDA: Miss Roberts (raises eyebrows) if you could please wait inside (Summer doesn't know what to do. Marissa and Summer look at each other) Julie: Summer, we have HBO on demand, every season of s*x and The City, knock yourself out (Summer looks at Julie. Marissa looks down, sadly. the mean DDA guy from earlier takes out the recorder and puts it on the table) Summer: Mariss you'll be ok, I'm jus gonna wait inside Marissa: (to Julie & Jimmy) look I already told everybody everything, I don't wanna have'to go through this again (Jimmy looks down) talk about all of it in front of these strangers (points) Esbenshade: Marissa I need to remind you this deposition is binding, your testimony in court can't waver from what is said here Marissa: (frustrated) I already told the truth so what's the problem DDA: the problem, Miss Cooper, is that your testimony lacks credibility (Summer Marissa and Esbenshade look at him, Marissa looks down. Julie looks at Jimmy) DDA: Miss Roberts please wait inside (DDA, Marissa & Mr. Esbenshade go to sit at the table) Jimmy: come on Summer (Jimmy puts his hand on Summers back and leads her inside) DDA: now Miss Cooper, I'm going to have'to swear you in (Marissa turns to look at Summer, we see a close up of her face and she looks vulnerable. Summer looks at Marissa helplessly before going inside - i just have to say that you can really see how much Marissa/Summer need each other in this scene) Julie: it'll be ok Marissa (Marissa glances at Julie before looking down, upset) CUT TO: The I.C.U - as the camera pans across we see through the blinds that Ryan is sitting next to Treys bed, we can also hear some hospital announcements faintly. the shot changes and we can now see that Seth is also in the room, leaning against the door frame. Trey is still in a coma and Ryan is leaning forward staring at him Seth: I kinda like him this way he's a better listener (Ryan blinks and looks down) ...sorry, I get talkative around coma patients it's a (frowns) compensation thing, ill give you guys a minute Ryan: wait just uh (Ryan turns to Seth then back to Trey, he stands and leaves the room. the camera zooms in on Treys hand and after a few seconds his pinky finger very noticeably moves - out in the corridor Ryan and Seth are walking together) Ryan: sorry man (raises eyebrows) I don't even know why I came here (Seth listens) that night I wanted to kill him now id do anything to take it back Seth: well you can't blame yourself an you can't change what happened Ryan: yeah but I mean Trey could'a tried to make it work, living in town I mean I had my brother here (Ryan and Seth are now outside near the ambulance bay) Ryan: now everything's screwed up an he's the only family I got left Seth: (looks at Ryan) well that's not exactly true (Ryan realises and half smiles then looks down. back in Treys room we see the monitor that he's hooked up to, that goes out of focus and Treys head comes into focus, his eyes suddenly open and look around) CUT TO: Cohen living room - on the TV we see a video game of baseball being played. half way through Seth's lines we see that Ryan and Seth are sitting on the couch together Seth: ok I jus have'to say that I still support the recent decision (Ryan looks at him) (swallows) in the wake of all the violence we've experienced to ban any games with ninjas or guns (frowns) Ryan: yeah, but? Seth: weeell it's just I don't understand any of the rules to this..."baseball" they call it Ryan: (looks at Seth) you mean America's pastime Seth: (looks at Ryan, unsure) eah, feels like more of a fad to me buddy I don't really see it catchin on Ryan: (nods) sure (frowns) hey you called Marissa an Summer right (phone rings. Seth gets up to answer it) Seth: they're with the dark lords son or whatever the DA's name is, did that guy blink once during your deposition...he didn't even have eyelids (answers phone) hello...oh I'm sorry he's not in right now can I take a message...ok thankyou (hangs up) (Seth looks over at Ryan, Ryan looks at Seth) Seth: that was the hospital Trey woke up (Ryan looks at Seth, stunned) CUT TO: Suriak T.C - Kirsten is sitting out the front by herself. Charlotte goes over to her Charlotte: Kirsten, right (holds hand out) hi I'm Charlotte Morgan, I'm so sorry about interrupting you in group Kirsten: (shakes hand) oooh no no that's ok (smiles) Charlotte: (sits next to Kirsten) when I heard you talking it was like you were describing my life...the rich dominating father the high pressure...nothing was (raises eyebrows) ever good enough Kirsten: eah I'm jus glad I didn't bore you (laughs) Charlotte: no it was amazing, I mean to hear someone on the same journey as me...well, obviously your a little further along (smiles) I couldnt've ever admitted all that (Kirsten raises her eyebrows then looks down) your so brave an honest Kirsten: I don't know about that but thankyou (smiles, nods) Charlotte: d'you wanna maybe get coffee sometime, we can...talk trash about our dads Kirsten: (suprised) sure id love to (smiles) (we hear the sound of a car horn) Charlotte: ok (smiles) (we see Sandy pull up in a gorgeous black Lexus) Kirsten: ahh, that's my husband (Sandy has a huge smile on his face, Kirsten looks just as excited as he does! aww) Charlotte: oh well, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time (smiles) goodbye Kirsten: bye (Charlotte walks off as Sandy gets out of the car. Kirsten goes over to him. Sandy has a HUGE smile on his face, and giggles) Kirsten: (touches Sandy shoulders) look at you (Sandy puts his hands on Kirsten's back, gently holding her. they look at each other then kiss! we see Charlotte watching them with a weird look on her face. we then see Kirsten and Sandy again, they are now in an adorable hug. Sandy has his head buried in Kirsten's neck then they pull apart. Charlotte is still watching, after a few seconds she leaves. the next thing we see is Sandy and Kirsten walking together near the fountain. Sandy is holding Kirsten's hand in his, and has his other hand on top. Kirsten puts her head on his shoulder. awww) Kirsten: (trying not to laugh) so it exploded all over the kitchen Sandy: ahh the microwave mostly Kirsten: an entire jar of peanut butter Sandy: oh we were tryin'a make peanut butter cookies as a suprise for you (Kirsten smiles) (frowns) it seemed like such a good idea at the time Kirsten: well it's a well known science factoid that metal plus heat equals... Sandy: peanut butter everywhere (Kirsten smiles) these are just a few'a the lessons we three struggling handsome bachelors are learnin every week (laughs) Kirsten: oh, sounds like you have a reality series here (smiles adoringly) Sandy: no, I hope it's not a reality for too long (looks at Kirsten adoringly) (Kirsten doesn't say anything) Sandy: (looks down) so...you should be comin home any day now right (Kirsten looks at Sandy) just give me a heads up so I can make sure the house is liveable (nods) Kirsten: (thrown) yeah I-I just have'to sit down with (shrugs) Dr Woodruff soon an-an see what's going on (nods) see if I'm eligible (raises eyebrows) (Sandy looks at Kirsten. his cell phone rings) Sandy: (looks at phone) oh (answers) hey Seth, I'm here with mom (Kirsten smiles) huh...well thanks for calling...ill see you when I get back at the house (hangs up) Kirsten: is everything ok Sandy: yeah, he says hi, that he misses you Kirsten: mm-hmm Sandy: I better get going (Kirsten nods) get back ta work (Sandy kisses Kirsten hard on the mouth, and holds her face in his hands. aww. they smile at each other) Sandy: jus let me know what the doctor says Kirsten: (nods, softly) ok Sandy: alright (Sandy takes Kirsten's hands in his and then let's go as he starts to leave. Kirsten watches him go. she sighs heavily and looks worried) CUT TO: The Beach - we see Marissa sitting by herself staring out towards the water. we then see a car pull up. Marissa looks over and we see Ryan get out. Marissa stands, and Ryan walks over to her Marissa: hey, so what's going on Ryan: ...Treys awake Marissa: oh my god (Ryan moves closer and looks down) when did he... Ryan: couldnt've ben to long I just saw him Marissa: (suprised, raises eyebrows) you saw him Ryan: yeah I...ben up there a couple times, y'know Marissa: (shrugs) I didn't know, hey I would've gone with you Ryan: no, no you shouldn't have'to see him ever again, I don't have the same choice Marissa: (slightly nods) ...well I mean I guess now that he's awake he can tell the lawyers what really happened (frowns) I mean Trey got us inta this mess hopefully he can get us out Ryan: yeah, our futures in Treys hands (Marissa doesn't say anything) come on (motions) Seth an Summer are at the diner (Ryan walks back over to the car and Marissa follows him. they both get in) CUT TO: Newport Group - Julie, Jimmy, and alot of other people sorting through things are in there, including Jeff Frankel Julie: (impatient) what'do you mean it's gonna take two months, Caleb wrote a will just read it already Jeff: (puts hand up) it's much more difficult than that Mrs. Cooper-Nichol a-as you can see (Jimmy looks around) there's uh alotta paperwork uh a number of different offshore accounts we haven't yet found Julie: ok, well you just take your sweet time Mr. Frankel but understand this, we are paying a very high price defense attorney to protect our daughter an right now the metres running Jeff: I wish I could help Julie: (sits next to Jeff) I'm a grieving widow (Jeff looks at Jimmy, unconvinced, lol) Jeff: clearly Julie: you've seen the will haven't you Jeff (sexy smile) why don't you just...tell us what's in it annn it'll be our little secret Jeff: I can't do that Jimmy: (to Julie) it's our attorney Julie (answers phone) Julie: lets play hot/cold (raises eyebrows) hm (Jeff looks at her) two million...seven million...I have at least three million coming from my pre-nup (Jeff blinks) you blinked! does one blink mean yes (points) Jimmy: (to Julie) Julie, the hospital called Julie: (looks at Jimmy) what, what'did they say CUT TO: The Diner - we see a plate of food being set down in front of someone. the camera pans and we see that Summer, Seth, Marissa and Ryan are near by in a booth. Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at him and then at Seth and Summer, almost sadly. Summer and Seth are watching both of them across the table Summer: ok (claps hands) I have an idea Seth: (looks at Summer) are you gonna save Chrismukkah again cause I really enjoyed that last time (Summer glares at Seth, not amused. Seth closes his mouth tightly) Summer: we need to have some fun (raises eyebrows) Marissa: (looks at Summer unenthusiastically) fun (raises eyebrows) (Ryan looks at Summer) Summer: yeah, look we cant control the future right so how do we deal (Seth frowns) I mean we could do what my step-mother does an take lots of pain killers to numb ourselves from the reality that life is (frowns) well random, unfair an ultimately meaningless Seth: (looks at Summer) there's another option right Summer: or we can accept the fact that we cant worry about what we cant control an just enjoy the time that we have, Treys awake an...school is starting soon (Marissa looks at Ryan) who knows what's ta come, right...so this might be our last chance to have fun Seth: I like...plan B (Marissa smiles) Ryan: so what'do we do Marissa: ...well I have an idea (raises eyebrows) but id have'to ask my dad first (Summer and Seth look at Marissa, curious) CUT TO: The Ocean - we see a beautiful shot of the water and in the distance is a sail boat, as the camera zooms in closer and changes angles we can see Marissa and Ryan are sitting near the front talking/laughing. the shot goes across the front of Ryan and Marissa and then we can see that Seth and Summer are sitting together near the steering wheel. the shot changes again and we see the boat from above. then we see Ryan and Marissa again, still sitting together laughing/talking. they look so cute! we see Seth and Summer again, and we can also see a row boat sitting on the back. we can now see that its Jimmy's sail boat 'Slow Dance' [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: A Secluded Beach - we see the sail boat in the distance out in the water. the row boat is sitting on the sand and further off to the left is Seth and Summer Summer: Mr. Coopers got a nice boat huh Seth: yeah (picks up sticks) its amazing what laundered money can buy Summer: you know Cohen, with your two hands on the wheel an the wind blowing through your hair (looks at Seth, nods) you actually looked kinda hot Seth: let me guess Summer you have a (shrugs, amused) weakness for seamen (smiles) Summer: (screws up her face) ewww Cohen, an then there's that (walks away) Seth: nah, aww (follows Summer) (Marissa is sitting on some rocks by herself, looking out towards the ocean. Ryan goes over to her) Ryan: hey Marissa: (looks) hey (Ryan sits down next to Marissa) Ryan: ah...how ya doin, you ok Marissa: (looks at Ryan) yeah I guess...I mean I-I don't know to be honest (unsure) are we ok Ryan: yeah sure (shrugs) why wouldn't we be Marissa: cause since that night we haven't really talked about it (Ryan doesn't say anything. Seth and Summer walk over to them) Seth: hey, knock it off, listen, we gotta get our mind off everything...who wants to go fishing Summer: (laughs) yeah you guys do the hunting, we'll do the gathering Ryan: (stands) I like that idea but weeee-dont-have-any-bait Seth: ooh...hey wait no we have Summer (touches Summers arm) this little sardine Summer: nooo, you guys that's- (Marissa smiles, Ryan points at Summer mischieviously) Seth: I'm gonna throw a sardine, who wants to go fishing, come on (Summer squeals and runs down the beach. Seth goes after her, Ryan runs after them) Summer: no guys (the next bit is a montage with laughing & screaming. we see Ryan with Summer in his arms, and Seth and Marissa are either side of Ryan. then we see Summer kicking her legs, Seth holding onto them and Marissa touching Ryan's back, and they are near the water. the next thing we see is Marissa over Ryan's shoulder, and they are in the water ankle deep. Summer and Seth are standing near them. then we see them moving away from the tide. Seth has Summer over his shoulder and Ryan goes to pick Marissa up. then we see Ryan holding Marissa in his arms, Seth holding Summer over his shoulder and they are at the edge of the water. SO CUTE! next we see Ryan holding Seth long ways. he has one hand over both his legs and the other under his waist. Summer claps and they are laughing and having a good time! the next thing we see is a lifeguard tower. Marissa is leaning up against it and Ryan is standing in front of her, smiling. he slowly leans toward her and they kiss! awww Marissa has her hands on Ryan's shoulders. the shot changes and we see them still kissing, and the back of Ryan. we then see them all playing near the water again, it looks as though the sun is starting to go down. Ryan has both hands in the air like a monster and he goes after the girls. they both squeal and run away. the next thing we see is Seth holding a football, he throws it and Ryan goes to catch it but drops it in the water. then we see Summer and Seth sitting together by a fire in the sand. the sun is almost gone. they look so cute! we then see that they are roasting marshmallows on sticks together! Seth kisses Summer on the cheek and Summer smiles all cutesy. we then see Ryan and Marissa close up, kissing at the lifeguard tower like before. their heads slowly disappear out the bottom of the shot and all we see is the water. the next thing we see is the sun setting, with the lifeguard tower in the background. then we see the two couples sitting together near the fire. Marissa and Summer both have blankets over their shoulders) Marissa: well, if this is as good as it gets for a while Ryan: (smiles) eah, feels pretty good Summer: yeah (sarcastic) thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet Cohen Seth: my pleasure Ryan: (mocking Summer, very nasally tone) Cohen, I can't believe that you did that Cohen (smirks) (Marissa and Summer laugh. we see a shot of the backs of them. Ryan puts his arm around Marissa and their heads are touching. Summer rests her head on Seth's shoulder. awww, could they get more adorable!) CUT TO: The I.C.U - through the blinds we can see Trey in bed. the camera moves across to show a nurse in the nursing station. the nurse hears a noise and looks up. all we see is a dark corridor. the nurse looks down. we then see bright pink high heels walking towards the camera. we then see the shadow of a head in the bottom right hand corner, and the nurse still with her head down Julie: I'm looking for Trey Atwood Nurse: (stands) I'm sorry, visiting hours ended a while ago Julie: oh did I forget to introduce myself, I'm Julie Cooper-Nichol as in the Nichol wing of this hospital which we're both standing in Nurse: ...oh hello Mrs. Cooper-Nichol Julie: (smiles) my husband was very philanthropic, hospitals were his favourite charity, especially making sure nurses an orderlies were compensated for their hard work (looks at Nurse) I would hate ta see his passion fall by the wayside (the Nurse looks at Julie, Julie looks at the nurse. the next thing we see is Treys room. Trey opens his eyes and reels back, we then see what he is reacting to. Julie is standing beside his bed) Julie: hello Trey (smiles) I've ben wanting to talk to you (Trey looks at her) oh no no, no pleasantries...look at you...lying there all helpless (closes the blinds) unable to stop me from (picks up a pillow) doing whatever I wanted to (Trey looks at her) kind of like the night you tried to rape my daughter Trey: ...I'm sorry Julie: (clenches teeth) oh you should be you son of a bitch...which is why your gonna help me (Trey looks at her) in exchange I'm prepared to compensate you, how does twenty thousand dollars sound Trey: (laughs) what d- what...do you want Julie: three simple words, repeat after me Trey...Ryan-shot-me (Trey looks at her, reluctant) Trey (raises the pillow) Trey: (swallows) ...Ryan...shot... CUT TO: Cohen living room - the first thing we see is the TV, on the screen is the movie Teen Wolf. Seth is sitting on the couch in his PJ's with his feet on the coffee table. Ryan sits down next to him with a breakfast bowl Seth: ok so, I know Teen Wolf is not a realistic movie (puts hand on his mouth, thinking) Ryan: really goin out on a limb there but yeah (puts feet on the coffee table) Seth: well (frowns) I mean how does bein a werewolf make you a better basketball player Ryan: can't argue with that one (Sandy comes in) Sandy: hey fellas (Ryan & Seth look at him) you mind shuttin off the TV (points) (Seth turns the TV off and Ryan puts his bowl down) Sandy: Trey talked to the police this morning...an he confirmed their suspicion that it was you who shot him (Ryan looks at him, stunned) Seth: well that's a total lie (Ryan looks away) Sandy: now the DA's office gave me a heads up...there gonna be issuing a warrant for your arrest in a few hours, now we're gonna figure this thing out (Ryan looks down) but I need to know that you are telling me everything that happened (Ryan looks up at Sandy, Sandy looks at him) Ryan: (stands, tied of it all) what difference does it make (Ryan leaves the room upset. Sandy watches him) Seth: your gonna fix this right (looks at Sandy, hopeful) (Sandy watches Ryan go into the pool house and slam the door behind him) CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Julie is carrying a bucket with champagne in it, Jimmy is with her Jimmy: a little early for champagne don't you think Julie: I'm making mimosa's, there breakfast appropriate besides we should celebrate Jimmy: (frowns) celebrate the fact that Marissa's boyfriend is...getting arrested Julie: no the fact that Marissa isn't (smiles & pours) Jimmy: you know Julie its just a little too convenient, Trey wakes up an immediately points the finger at Ryan Julie: well, sometimes, Jimmy, and I know you don't have that much experience with this but...things work out Jimmy: you know...even if Marissa was accused sh-she wouldn't go to jail Julie: she also wouldn't be going to college, forget what the law says about just cause an defense of others, how's it gonna look on her college application under extra curriculars, shoots blue collar thugs Jimmy: look I don't want Marissa to suffer either but Ryan- Julie: Ryan's (puts finger up) dye was cast long before he moved inta the Cohen pool house look (closes eyes) Jimmy lets just puts this to bed (Marissa comes out) we'll collect on Caleb's will an we'll go back to being a normal, happy, family! Marissa: hey what's for breakfast (sleepy) Jimmy: hey kiddo what're you doin up Marissa: I can't sleep Julie: oh, well, I have news (smiles) (Marissa looks at her) it's very good for us Jimmy: ...but just...not so good forrr Ryan (Marissa looks worried) CUT TO: Cohen house - we see a shot of the pool house. all the blinds are shut and you can't see in. we then see that Seth and Summer are standing inside at the glass doors looking out Seth: well we know he wants to be left alone Summer: we have'to do something, should we bring him a snack (looks at Seth) what'does Ryan eat Seth: dry cereal from the box an black coffee Summer: (nods) huh, well maybe we could like get him something like a gift Seth: sure moneys no object Summer: ok (nods) what'does Ryan like Seth: (frowns) hmm Summer: (looks at Seth) any favourite movies (Seth is thinking) hobbies...Cohen he's your best friend Seth: heeeey you've known him as long as me I don't hear you throwin out any gems (looks at Summer) (we see the pool house again) Summer: well we can't just leave him alone out there this is terrible Seth: I know...but nobody even knows what to say to him he's never ben arrested before (Summer looks at him) for attempted murder (sound of the door bell. Summer and Seth both look in the direction of the door. the next thing we see is Seth walking towards the door, Summer is following behind him, with her hands holding onto the waist of his jeans, aww. Seth opens the door and Marissa is standing there) Marissa: where is he (anxious) Seth: ahh he's not really seeing visitors right now (shuts the door) Summer: we're kinda giving him space (Marissa sighs and looks at them both like 'please' then heads out to the pool house) Seth: this should go well Summer: right behind you Coop CUT TO: The Pool House - the first thing we see is a green knapsack, and Ryan's hands putting stuff inside it. then we see Marissa, Seth and Summer in the doorway Marissa: hey (Ryan continues packing the knapsack which is sitting on his bed) Ryan: hey Seth: hoodie, wife-beater, leather jacket...that's the Ryan Atwood escapist ensemble Ryan: that's right, doesn't matter what I say no ones gonna believe me not anymore Seth: dude your not running away Ryan: yeah (looks at Seth, raises eyebrows) yeah I am Marissa: no (moves closer to Ryan) no your not (Ryan looks at her) your sailing (shrugs, matter of factly) an we're coming with you Seth: yes since apparently there's boats involved (Ryan frowns) which is my forte' (touches his chest) Summer: totally, we all go down together (Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at him and shrugs) Ryan: (raises eyebrows) thanks (zips up his knapsack) CUT TO: Suriak T.C garden - Kirsten and Charlotte are standing together making coffees Charlotte: oh so how was your visit with your husband (Kirsten looks at her, suprised) he excited your coming home Kirsten: yes he is Charlotte: didn't tell him your not ready yet huh (Kirsten looks at her) (raises eyebrows) ben there Kirsten: well...Dr Woodruff says I'm ready I must be ready (smiles) Charlotte: (scoffs) yeah except Dr Woodruff aint gonna be in your kitchen at three am when your rootin around the spice rack for anything with alcohol an start pounding vanilla extract (Kirsten looks stunned) Charlotte: (notices) oh god I'm-I'm (closes her eyes) I'm sorry Kirsten: is that what happened to you Charlotte: ...it was cough syrup (raises eyebrows) Kirsten: that's my biggest fear...that I'm not ready, an I'm not going back to my husband an my boys until I know...that ill never let them down again Charlotte: look can I give you some advice...it's not a race...take all the time you need (Kirsten walks away and Charlotte watches her) CUT TO: The Pool House - Sandy knocks on the door, when there's no answer he opens the door and goes in Sandy: hello...I'm back (Sandy stares at the empty pool house then turns around and faces the door, he looks around worried. we hear the sound of the door bell. we then see the front door, through the glass we can see a man. Sandy opens the door and we see that it is an officer with the warrant for Ryan's arrest in his hand. another office is behind him talking on a walkie talkie, and we can see their police car) Officer: we're lookin for Ryan Atwood (holds out the warrant) Sandy: your a little late I'm afraid CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Julie walks in and looks around, she then puts the phone up to her ear Julie: nope, she's not here either an she left for your house hours ago Sandy, you don't think they'd try anything do you (worried) (Jimmy comes to the doorway) Jimmy: what's goin on Julie: (hangs up) the cops are at Sandy's house the kids are gone we don't know where they went (Julie leaves the room and Jimmy looks as though he's thinking) CUT TO: The docks - it's dark but we can see Jimmy's boat and Ryan, Marissa, Seth & Summer climb on board Summer: you don't think your dad'll miss the boat Marissa: well he of all people'll understand...but we gotta hurry Seth: let's go Ryan: hey man how long is it to Catalina Seth: about four hours then from there we can go wherever you want, Mexico, Hawaii Ryan: hey look guys I gotta say, you can get in alotta trouble for this so you know if you wanna back out (Marissa turns on a light) Seth: are you kidding, this is a great excuse to skip school Marissa: uh its not forever it's just until we can get Trey to change his story (we hear the sound of sirens, and see about a half dozen police cars pull up and surround them. one of the cars shines a light on the boat and we see them looking at all the police cars. Marissa and Summer are both shielding their eyes from the bright light. we see a close up of Ryan's face, just staring into the light) CUT TO: The Police Station - we see Ryan being led by an officer. he is wearing that familiar blue jumpsuit :(. Sandy is waiting for him in a room, and the officer leads him in. Ryan looks at Sandy. Sandy stands up Sandy: glad to see the jumpsuit still fits (Sandy motions for Ryan to sit down) Sandy: well kid, for someone who's innocent you done a hell of a job to look guilty Ryan: glad to see you're here to make me feel better (smiles sarcastically, then looks down) Sandy: no I'm here to tell you the truth...as your lawyer an your guardian (Ryan looks at him) the only person who runs is somebody whose got somethin'a hide Ryan: or who has no choice (raises eyebrows) I see how these cops an lawyers look at me...my record, my family (Sandy looks at him) an you know I'm right Sandy: this isn't over...the arraignments set for tomorrow, we're gonna fight this (Ryan half laughs then looks down) Trey could still change his mind Ryan: yeah...how's that gonna happen (Ryan looks at Sandy vulnerably, he almost looks like he's going to cry! :( ) CUT TO: The Hospital - the camera pans up to show Marissa and Summer in the good old candy striper outfits. Seth is in between them pushing a cart down the corridor Marissa: I haven't worn this candy stripers outfit since, like the tenth grade (folds her arms) Summer: well maybe we should start volunteering again, it's good for charity Seth: not that I'm against you guys wearing these uniforms, cause I'm not but...doesn't this plan seem a little light hearted given the...nature of the predicament Summer: Cohen, your not even part of the plan, we're jus letting you push a cart Marissa: ok Sum you're on (Marissa, Summer and Seth walk around the corner to a nurse's station) Summer: (smiles) hey Denise, how are you Denise: Summer Roberts, I haven't seen you in years, where you ben Summer: oh I love helping sick people its just they kept making me sick (screws up face) so I've ben reassigned to gun shot victims because you cant catch one'a those (shakes her head) (Marissa and Seth smile, impressed) Denise: (laughs) well glad to have you back, who do you wanna see (the next thing we see is Trey in bed. staring ahead. there's a knock on the door) Trey: I don't wanna speak to anyone else (Marissa opens the door and goes in) Trey: hey, did you hear what I- (realises its Marissa) (Marissa looks at Trey and closes the door behind her. she seems cautious, almost scared. Trey scoffs. Marissa is still just standing there) Trey: did you uh (raises eyebrows) come'to finish the job Marissa: so you do remember it was me who shot you Trey: (looks away, swallows) I... I'm trying to protect you Marissa: protect me (moves closer) by blaming Ryan Trey: (looks at Marissa) I'm sorry Marissa...for...for everything...I (swallows) I jus didn't know how ta make it right (Marissa looks at him, sadly) an she offered me a way out Marissa: (confused) w- who did Trey: (looks at Marissa, frowns) ...your mom (Marissa looks stunned and rubs her head) Marissa: look...Trey (moves closer) ...if you wanna make it right (raises eyebrows) then there's only one thing for you to do (Trey and Marissa look at each other. Trey looks away) CUT TO: Newport Bay Yacht Club - Sandy's Lexus pulls up out the front. then we see him open the door and go inside. he stops and looks over to the bar. Jimmy is sitting at the bar by himself. Sandy walks over Sandy: hey Jimmy Jimmy: hey Sandy: thanks for meetin me (sits down) Jimmy: sure, sorry to hear about Ryan (Sandy sighs) just when you thought things couldn't get any worse Sandy: well that's what I wanted to talk to you about...I've ben tryin'a figure out why Trey would try to frame Ryan (looks at Jimmy) y'know I know the kids not gonna be sainted any time soon but (laughs) still...the only thing I can figure (looks at Jimmy) somebody paid him (Jimmy looks away) ...but who would sink that low (Jimmy sighs) ...only one name came to mind (Jimmy looks at him) ...an you didn't try to stop her Jimmy: look I f-I found out about it too late there's nothin-there's nothin I could do Sandy: c'mon Jimmy at some point you gotta do the right thing Jimmy: well you gotta understand what I'm dealing with, put yourself in my shoes Sandy: (looks at Jimmy) in your shoes (angry) I got a wife in rehab who doesn't wanna come home an a kid who's ben locked up for somethin he didn't do, I think your shoes are lookin pretty good right now Jimmy: look I- I get it I get it...I'm tryin'a protect my family too (raises eyebrows) Sandy: (nods) right, because family means so much to ya Jimmy: (frowns) what's that supposed'to mean Sandy: that means what're you doin back at Newport...Caleb dies boom suddenly you show up (Jimmy looks at Sandy, Sandy's cell phone rings and he takes it out and looks at it) Sandy: (answers) grand central station, hello...oookkkk (nods) thankyou (hangs up) wait'till Julie hears this (smiles) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - there is a basket of washing and Julie pulls out a piece of clothing from it that resembles Marissa's attempt at doing her and Alex's washing, lol Marissa walks in, she doesn't look happy Julie: hi sweetie...uh I'm still learning how to do the wash so whatever no longer fits we'll just send it to your sister (smiles) Marissa: I know what you did Julie: (looks at Marissa, clueless) what'do you mean (Marissa scoffs and takes an envelope out of her bag, she holds it out to Julie) Julie: (takes the piece of paper) what's this Marissa: a copy of Treys confession (Julie looks at her, stunned) saying that if I didn't shoot him he would've killed his brother...police have one too (Julie reads the confession) Julie: d'you know what you've done Marissa: (reassuringly) ...I'm not going to jail Julie: but where are you gonna go Marissa huh (Marissa looks at her) you know how small this town is, this will get out Marissa: what (shrugs) that I saved my boyfriends life Julie: (pointed) that you shot someone (Marissa looks at her) when there's a scandal no one cares about the details Marissa: all you care about is what people in Newport think of us (Julie looks at her) of you (moves closer) you know I don't need you to protect me (means it) I need you to stay outta my life (Marissa leaves the room. Julie just stands there) CUT TO: The police station - a man hands a clipboard thingo to Ryan to sign. he's back in his own clothes and his knapsack is sitting on the table next to the clipboard. he signs the piece of paper then walks over to the door, a man opens it for him. Sand
doc_70
Since you're in beach buggies, you will now drive to the beach at the northernmost point of Namibia, where it meets Angola. It's 1.000 miles away. Richard: We have got to find this road. This is not gonna be too clever in the dark. Listen. I shall find the Southern Cross. Richard: Oh, this is a bad idea! We are now trusting our lives to an orangutang who thinks he's Patrick Moore. James: 24 hours of cold, misery, to achieve exactly nothing. I mean, it is exactly nothing. Richard: Oh, it's coming in! (JEREMY YELLS) This is the best desert I've ever been to. Holy sh1t! Richard: Oh! (YELLS) Jeremy: What it actually is is a big, orange killing engine. Jesus! (LAUGHS) Richard: (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Please make it! Please! Just need to find a road now. This is not funny any more. I don't want another night in the desert. Oh, my God. I could go east, I could go west. Richard: Whichever way you go, it goes somewhere. Yes! It is the road to freedom. (THUD) What the hell was that? What I'm driving here, or attempting to drive, is Apollo 13. Jeremy: It was morning by the time I nursed my wounded car into Windhoek, and my well-rested colleagues were full of admiration for how I'd pulled off such a feat. Is that the first thing you thought of? What? Tear a hole in it. What's that gonna do? I needed to get to the bleed valve on the radiator, which is there. Is it? And, to make life doubly difficult... I trod on my spectacles. (RICHARD LAUGHS) That is tragic, trying to fix it with one lens. I was trying to fix it. And the only eye I can close is this eye. You can't close your left eye? I can't close my left eye. Why didn't you put them on upside down? You'd have the lens over the other eye. That is logic there. Oh, yeah. (LAUGHS) Come on, let's go. We've got a lot to do. Jeremy: No! The one thing we have established now is that, with the exception of Windhoek, which is the capital, Namibia is a tough and arduous place. Yeah. Have you bought maps? No. Have you got tenting equipment of any sort? Have you got somewhere to sleep other than the desert floor? No. So why don't we, today, get prepared for the next leg of the - big leg of the journey? That is a good idea. We'll do that. That's not a bad idea. We'll grant ourselves a day of... shopping. Mm. First of all, would you permit me to chisel some of the cheddar that has grown in my underpants away? Well, not here. Jeremy: Having de-cheesed my body parts, we headed out to get the necessary supplies. Richard: The thing is, if we go mesh, it'll keep the sun off but it won't keep the light out. That will wake us up early. That's 1.5 kilograms. But- Hammond, the first thing you need to know before we start shopping in here is James and I are in charge. Richard: Well... James: Sorry, he's right. No, you're not. You don't know anything about camping. James, Jeremy: Exactly. How does that make you in charge? Because we know it's all terrible. If we leave it to you, we'll all end up sleeping in small green triangles. The camping you know about is in the Lake District, where you deliberately make yourself miserable. I'm sorry, he's right. It is possible, I think, with a bit of ingenuity and money, to make tenting bearable. Jeremy: Richard Baden-Hammond disagreed, so we went our separate ways. Correct, incorrect. Exactly. Do you agree? But I'd go even more correct. Oh, yes! Perfect. Roll it out on the desert floor... you're home. Oh, James! Le Creuset! See, Hammond would hate this, because this weighs more than a tent. Which it does, actually. A lot more. And it weighs more because it is a quality item. Exactly. Pocket trowel. Pocket soap. Here we go. Pasta spoon. Yeah, good idea. I find that bottle opener a bit... lightweight. Yeah, more expensive is what we're looking for. You see, look at this, James. This is the sort of thing Hammond would think is a chair. Ooh! That's all you need. That's your whole... stove. That's it. Is it gas? It is, isn't it? I presume so. For two, you could get a small chicken in there, or... a pheasant. We're getting there now. So that folds down to that. Yeah. Jeremy: The next morning, we headed out once more, with the camping gear James and I had bought bringing up the rear. And besides stocking up with essentials, Hammond and I had used our day off in Windhoek to modify our cars. To solve my overheating problems, I've fitted a ram-air scoop, which shovels refreshing, cooling air into the radiator as I go along. And, as you may have noticed, I've fitted a spoiler. My only complaint, really, about my beach buggy was its lack of performance in third and fourth gears. Couldn't up power from the engine and I don't want to stress it, so I could lighten it. I've stripped away the superstructure here and the passenger seat, anything spare. That means this car is 30-40 kilos lighter than it was before. Jeremy, why has your car sprouted a green moustache? Jeremy: Well, it's a spoiler for added downforce at the front end, which you need in a rear-engine vehicle. This thing will be unbelievable through the corners now, it really will. Like a 911. And I tell you what, even with your new lightweight buggy, you're no match for what I've got here this morning. Yeah, I'm sorry, mate. This is quicker. It is not. It is. Right, Richard Hammond, I challenge you to a race. OK, you're on. Idiot. Jeremy: We shall find a race track and we shall do racing. Well, you carry on. I'm not doing any racing. That's utterly pointless. Jeremy: On the outskirts of the city, we found a rather excellent circuit where we could do timed laps, and James could try out his new vacuum cleaner. (VACUUM WHIRS) James: Oh, yes. Are you ready? No. Why not? Temperatures and pressures. This is a racing machine. Look at it. It's a plastic beach buggy parked near a V8. With aero. Really? In... (REVVING) ...three, two, one, go! (REVVING STOPS) Yeah, I'm gonna do it in gear. Give it a shot. I'm gonna try that. In- No! Throttle's jammed. Yes. (STAMMERS) Jammed. In- No! You can keep saying "in" till the cows come home. The throttle... (VACUUMING, JAMES HUMS TUNES) (REVVING) Three, two, one, begin! (BOTH YELL) Why... Why have you stopped? Ah. Well, erm... (ENGINE STOPS) The throttle may have gone a bit open. (IGNITION FAILS) Yeah. My throttle is totally broken. Anyway, Hammond... Yeah? Any car which can wheelie off the line... is going to be able to beat yours, and would have done. So... Sorry. You're saying because your car started, well, 50 yards away over there, wheelied, was uncontrollable, slammed back down and broke itself, it's the best on the track? Jeremy: Yes. Well, much learned. Really useful. Glad we did it. Richard: With Jeremy's endlessly troublesome car fixed again, we scooped up James' Dyson and continued northwards towards the finish line at the border with Angola. The going was smooth and easy and eerily quiet, which begged a question. Now, apparently, Namibia is the most dangerous place in the world to drive. There are more accidents per head then anywhere else, and car accidents are the first and most common cause of death in young adults. How? How can that be so? I mean... the place is empty. In Britain, there are 250-260 people for every square kilometre. Here... it's two. Two! This makes the Australian outback look like Monaco. Monkey! Monkey! Huge anus! Did you see that thing's anus? James: I, however, was not thinking about population statistics or monkeys' bottoms. I was just happy to be on a smooth surface in a car that wasn't filled with dust. I shall relax... with the lovely view. Sadly, though, a few miles later... (RATTLING) Ow! Ow! Oh, my nuts! Ow! (GROANS) Stop it! Ow! Ow! Agh! James May? Yes, I can hear you, but it's very uncomfortable and my car has... has cut out. James: Ow! Jeremy: Mercifully for James, we eventually arrived at a game reserve, which we decided would be an ideal place to set up camp for the night. (UNZIPPING) Richard: Right. (CHUCKLES) That's what we need. Jeremy: As Hammond built his canvas hovel... James and I were looking forward to a more civilised evening in the tents we'd bought, and which had been erected by the butler we'd also bought. James: Thank you, Giovanni. Tuck your shirt in, man! It's not a bloody caravan site. Erm... I'm just thinking, dinner. Mm. Do you mind if I get changed? No, exactly. I'm gonna have a shower. Mm. Or I may have a bath, actually. Why not? Giovanni, could you run the baths? Jeremy: Apparently, this place has got oysters. Really? Here? Yeah. I know, it's extraordinary. Who knew? Are you coming for some dinner? Richard: What do you mean, "Coming for dinner"? I'm cooking here. There's a restaurant just down there. A restaurant? Yeah, just down there. I don't want to go. I'm cooking this. I'm doing it properly, camping. Well, come and- I'll join you after dinner. Jeremy: Whatever. James: He's such a peasant, isn't he? Jeremy: It's just unbelievable. (METALLIC CLANGING) Jeremy: That evening in the restaurant, Hammond never did join us. But James and I were not short of company. Oh, look, there's rhinos! There's actual rhinos! And they've been dehorned. They've had to take its horn out to stop poachers shooting it. But you know what the poachers are doing? They shoot the dehorned ones, because if they track for a couple of days, a rhino, and then it's got no horn, they shoot it, and then they'll never track it again, so it saves time. Do you know how much you get for a rhino horn now? On the... On the market? Yeah, in Vietnam. I'm guessing it's a lot. [SCENE_BREAK] So that's more expensive than gold. Good God. Even the nub that's left that he's got is still worth, I don't know, thousands of dollars. I was gonna say, no matter how carefully you dehorn it, there's still horn going down into its nose. Jeremy: That's such a tragedy, that, you know. James: Yeah. I want to do something about this while we're here. I'm sure we could come up with something. I'm sure we could. [SCENE_BREAK] Richard: The next morning, I woke to find I'd been recruited into the Clarkson and May Rhino Protection Squad. They were even convinced that our beach buggies would be ideal for tracking the poachers. I can't deny, they do have a point about the whole rhino thing. It is ridiculous. Two rhinos killed every day in Africa by poachers, and then sold to a market that believes it's a cure for cancer, impotence, even hangovers. But are we necessarily the right men to tackle it head-on in the field? Ow! (YELLS) Wouldn't we be better just popping a 㱠coin in a jar and letting somebody who knows what they're doing solve it? Well, I've got a tranquilizer gun from the place where we were last night, but... I can't see anyone to shoot. Jeremy: Figuring that the poachers probably didn't use the main road, we went off to look in the bush. James: What about over there? Richard: No poachers. Tyre marks. It may be some poacher. Oh, no, wait. BF Goodriches. This is James May. Richard: Just so you know, this is stupid. Jeremy: What's stupid? Richard: How would you recognise a poacher when you saw one? And when you find one, what are you gonna do? Shoot him. All we're doing on our journey is driving three beach buggies to the Angolan border. Yeah. Which doesn't further the cause of humanity. James: Exactly. Richard: And this does, does it? We've got a day, Hammond. Give us 24 hours. 24 hours. Then, I promise, we'll get back on the road. Jeremy: Once our sceptical colleague had agreed, I decided to change tack, abandon the cars and search from the air, using some beach-front parasailing equipment. Jeremy? Yes? If we don't make it, please know that I hate you. There's not a breath of wind, so don't be stupid. Oh, my parachute's been... Oh, hello! Richard: Goodbye. (JEREMY YELLS) Richard: sh1t! Richard: That's not worked at all. Jeremy: OK. Right, I'm not gonna do that. Clearly, my solution was too dangerous for us, so we sent Giovanni up instead. (FAINT YELLING) Look, he's going over there. He's gonna crash and die. No, he's been blown a bit sideways but- - And downwards. (YELLING CONTINUES) He didn't sign up for this, did he? Jeremy: Giovanni failed to spot any poachers, so we told him to stop messing about and get back to camp to pour some drinks, whilst we had a rethink. Everything we've tried has gone wrong. So let's accept it now and move on. We can go. No. I think the poachers only go out at night. Oh, for God's sake. We'll let the sun set, get some tactical kit. Rifles. Come on, Hammond. You gave us 24 hours before you took our guns and badges. James: He did. Richard: OK. I think a couple more beers, head out there. I agree. Let it get dark. Be patient. Jeremy: Yes. Hunters are patient, aren't they? Exactly. Jeremy: Once darkness had fallen, we got kitted out with tranquilizer guns and tactical kit and headed back into the bush with a very unsure Richard in tow. I mean, I'd like to stop poachers, but out here at night, what is the poacher-to-lion ratio? What am I more likely to find? Jeremy: What you have to do is look for rhino tracks, cos that's what the poachers will be following. Literally the most manly thing I've ever done. (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Grand Tour for men, splashing all over. (GUN FIRES) Richard: Ow! Jeremy: Bloody hell! Richard: You stupid bastards! Someone's shot me! Richard: Hammond? Hammond? Hammond? James: Clarkson, you moron. Jeremy: Hammond? Right, well, I have to be honest, yesterday was a total waste of time. We achieved nothing. All we did achieve was we seem to have wounded Mr Hammond, who er... well, we couldn't wake him up this morning at all. And because we needed to get going, we've a long way to go, we've had to improvise. (HELICOPTER WHIRS) Aaargh! What the (BLEEP)? What the (BLEEP) is this? You bastards! (YELLS) Jeremy: Back on the ground, James and I had our own problems. (RATTLING) Oh, God! Ow! Ow! This is very good for the gravel rash that I got... during my parachute accident yesterday. Oh, that hurts. What we could really do with is a rain shower to dampen this dust down. James: I think it's unlikely. Yeah, there's no evidence that rain is on its way, I would say. Jeremy: Soon, word came over the radio that Hammond was on his way to rejoin us... and that he wasn't in the best of moods. What was that? (GRUNTS) What was that about? We didn't want to leave you behind. You wouldn't wake up. No, obviously, you didn't want to leave me behind, so you did the logical thing, which is suspend me from a helicopter whilst asleep. Yes. Most people would arrive at the same conclusion. No, you didn't! You were having a laugh! Do you realise how rough the first road was that you haven't had to drive on? And you got a helicopter ride, which we haven't had. You wouldn't be laughing and sniggering so much if I'd fallen out of that thing, as I could have done. Well, it wouldn't be funny. No, it just wouldn't be interesting. (JEREMY SNIGGERS) Jeremy: With the rhino fiasco behind us, we got back to the job in hand... which was to reach the Angolan border, and therefore prove that beach buggies are brilliant go-anywhere machines and not just frivolous toys. Today, however, that theory would be seriously tested. Oh, for God's sake! (GROANS) (GROANS) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Christ on a bike! I hate to admit this, but I'm jealous of Hammond. I wish I'd fitted that suspension on my car. How is this car gonna stand up to this punishment all day? Well, since it had been designed by me and made from 40-year-old components, the answer was depressingly predictable. The alternator, as you can see, has come off its hinge. The bolt's supposed to go in there and it's just come off. And the bolt, well, that's somewhere back there, 100 miles. So, my alternator is now held on with a screwdriver that I've hammered into place. And we're running well. Oh. I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, but I don't have a fan belt on there. I've got a problem. (SIGHS) Another five miles, another fan belt. I'm gonna need a pair of tights. And it wasn't just me. I've been through all of that, all of that, the ignition cut-out switch. I've got some weird gremlin. Jeremy: This road is just shaking these cars to pieces. James: Naturally, Jeremy decided that the only way of keeping his car in one piece was to drive very quickly. My optimum speed is 2.800 rpm, that being my only dial, really. That way, I'm skipping over the top of the ridges. Unfortunately, at this speed, my V8 was emptying the petrol tank every 31 miles. And one of the items we'd forgotten to buy at the camping shop was a funnel. Right, wind's dropped. Here we go. Drink! (GROANS) This is completely safe. Some of the petrol is... Oh, my giddy aunt! The roads are getting worse. Even though the going was appalling... the beach buggies, amazingly, were, more or less, still in one piece. However, as the relentless pounding wore on, the same could not be said of James. Agh! Oh, my God! Honestly, my bones are going to shatter. (GROANS) I've had enough of this. What I'm doing is I'm trying to soften up the front suspension, and I'm gonna soften the tyres as well. I've done quite a bit under here. Now I'm going to let a bit of air out of the tyres. (AIR HISSES) James: This made a huge difference. (CLATTERING CONTINUES) This is rubbish! Stop! But it didn't stop. It went on... and on. That day, I did 350 miles, and every single one of them was filled with pain, dust and misery. And that's why, the following morning, I came up with a radical plan. Don't drive on the road, drive near it. I did a bit alongside the road. Admittedly only half a kilometre, but it was bliss by comparison. It was like driving on a freshly resurfaced Silverstone. We don't have to stray miles from it. I agree, that would be foolish, cos we could just end up as skeletons. But, honestly, it's agony in mine. I've got neck ache, headache. I hate it. Right, I tell you what, Hammond. I tell you why I like his idea. If it is smooth off-road, it's more comfortable for us. If it's hopeless out there, we can blame him. Fair enough. Jeremy: With that settled, we left the road and set out on Highway May. I'll give James one thing, it is smoother than the road, but I am doing 3 mph. I mean, yeah, I like off-roading, I do, but... this isn't exactly quicker, is it? Jeremy: Sadly, a short while later, we didn't even have smooth going for us. Ow! (GROANS) Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, spiffing. (GROANS) James, I hope you're happy with this. How bad must it have been for him if this is better? Oh, God al-bloody-mighty! What an idiot that man is! Yeah, this is a lot less bumpy. Oh, Christ! Jesus! Is this better? Really? Stop moaning! (GRUNTS) Jeremy: Hammond, my entire throttle assembly has disintegrated. Richard: I can't see why. I'm sure this is all helping it. Jeremy: Perfectly all right on the road. Yeah, I don't know why more people don't drive their cars on the road. Stop blaming your failures on the scenery. Every bone in his crotch... that's what I'm gonna break. Every single one of them. And then, if it were at all possible, May Tours got even worse. Oh! Oh, God! The dust! Agh! What is this Star Trek special effect we've arrived in? Oh, my God! I am swimming through dust. I'm actually swimming in it. Oh, dear, oh, dear! James: We had driven into something called fesh fesh, a sand as fine as talcum powder. Oh, shite! And this had made Ali G even more cross. (REVVING) I can't see a bloody thing now. I've got to... I can't even find James May to kill him. (GROANS) Jeremy: OK, the engine's boiling and I'm stuck. All my electrics have gone haywire My... It's still trying to turn the motor over. The battery's dead. Are you stuck, James? Er... (COUGHING FIT) (COUGHING) I think I'm stuck. Well done, James. Improved our lot no end. So the situation is... Hammond has broken his car, you're stuck, and mine's overheated. Are we going to say, James, that your idea was stupid? It was stupid. Jeremy: With even Sergeant Stubborn admitting defeat, it was time to throw in the towel. So we got ourselves sorted out, got a wash in the river and headed back to the road. [SCENE_BREAK] There you go. Freshly ironed linen shirt with epaulettes that matches my beach buggy. Ironed by Giovanni. Despite everything, our beach buggies had covered 750 miles of our 1,000-mile journey, and we were now well into the tribal regions of northern Namibia... which is picture-book Africa. Well, this is all a bit too beautiful for words along here. Look at this. Tribal Namibia, I like it. Where we are now, it's genuinely... Well, what would you say, "unspoiled"? Yeah. People do live the lives they've led here for thousands of years. Oh, no! Oh, no! I'm dying! Annoyingly, the James May excursion had caused more damage than I'd realised. Oh, now this is stuck on. Oh, bugger. Then, instead of the breakdown-recovery service, some topless ladies arrived... (SHRIEKING AND SINGING) Richard: Hello. ...which made knowing where to look a bit difficult. Oh! Erm... Concentrate on the job, Richard. This is unusual. I mean, normally the AA would have done. (SINGING CONTINUES) Thank you! Very good. (SINGING CONTINUES) Oh, there's more. Jeremy: I, too, was nursing wounds as a result of May Tours. I do seem to have lost... (ENGINE CHUGS) ...one of my cylinders somehow. I'm driving a V7. Basically, this is now Spitty Spitty Bang Bang. So, at the lunch stop, Richard and I decided to get our revenge on Mr May. Clarkson! What? You've put... Where's... That is disturbing. What's annoying is, what have you done with my original vintage VW gear knob? Ah, well, no, good news on that. Giovanni has posted your original gear lever back to your address in London. Has he? Richard: Special delivery. What is the matter with you? That's really offensive. Well, I think that's a bit sexist. No, it's not. Why would I want to drive with a rubber pen1s? I don't know. I think you're weird. (LAUGHTER) Richard: With our break over, we got back on the road. For our American viewers, James May is driving a dick-shift. And it wasn't just James's knob that was keeping us amused. There was something else we'd learned over lunch that was even funnier. James May's fuel tank has a hole in it, or it's split. He's driving a bomb. It's a tense moment, this. It's like the end of a football match when it's 1-1. You're driving along, you know he's gonna blow up, you just don't know when. Richard: It's not gonna read well in the papers. "James May died in an exploding beach buggy, holding a rubber pen1s." Oh, shut up! Jeez! James: Oh! In the face! Jeremy: Once James's fuel tank had run low enough, we pulled over in a small village so he could make some repairs. Well, the wind's blowing that way, so the fireball will go up there. It'll be sudden, won't it, when he goes? Yeah. It's "woompf." "Woompf", then a bit of quiet, and then... as all bits come down. Jeremy: Yes. Here's the split in the tank. Apply this. Oh, hello! You know we've been saying how bad the roads are, Hammond? Yes. They're bad enough to kill an un-killable car. That's kind of a terrifying sight, isn't it? I know. I've never seen that before in my life. A dead Toyota pickup truck. Jeremy: With James's tank bodged, we knuckled down to getting some miles under our belt. And for the rest of the day, the only person with petrol issues was me. Right. Refuelled, so I'm good now for 31 miles. By the end of the day, we'd made good progress. And when we stopped to make camp... Where the bloody hell's Giovanni? ...we were less than 100 miles from the finish line. So, after supper, we decided to have a conversation - well, argument - about who'd built the best beach buggy. The point is, yours isn't a beach buggy. My car? Yeah. Apart from having a beach buggy's body and the beating, pulsating heart of a beach buggy, namely a Beetle engine. I look at yours and go, "That doesn't even look like a beach buggy." It does and it is! It's a beach buggy. Enhanced, but in the spirit of beach buggying. It isn't. Jeremy, yours is... a freak. Had it existed 100 years ago, it would have been exhibited. People would come from miles and children would peak at it through curtains. "Oh, look at the monster!" The point is, I have always loved the spirit of the beach buggy. I love the era that created it and all of that. But the one thing that's made me not like it is the engine reminds me of Hitler. I have removed all of that Hitler DNA from mine, fitted a bloody great V8. It's gone too far. It's Frankenstein's buggy. James: I can settle this. Yours isn't a proper beach buggy. It isn't. But it's more of a beach buggy than yours. Oh, rubbish! Because the true spirit of the beach buggy is the Beetle floorpan and engine, which his has. Yours doesn't have the engine. Mine actually has everything. Mine is the proper beach buggy. I'm sorry about this, James, but... You're not. ...your car was created by the swinging '60s and endorsed by Steve McQueen, one of the coolest people who ever lived, and yet, somehow, you have managed to make your beach buggy boring. Rubbish It is a bit. It is boring. It's a boring firework display. It is. It's boring in that it works. No, James. It doesn't work! The only thing that has gone wrong is a small leak in the petrol tank. Everything else about it has constantly worked. Do you know, every time I've overtaken you, I've looked and thought, "That's dismal." It isn't. It has an elegance and a purity. And when you say, "You've never come past me", I come past you every 30 miles because you've run out of fuel. It wheelies, the throttle sticks, the alternator falls off, bolts fall out of it. It... The alternator... You've had to fit a wing on it, which ruins the looks. It's not in the spirit of the beach buggy, but of a man desperately trying to justify a terrible idea. It was a brilliant idea! It doesn't work! I'm fairly conscious right now your car is drinking the fuel out of mine like a sort of plastic vampire. Look, mine has been thirsty. Thirsty? Yes. James: We continued arguing until Giovanni reminded us it was time to go to bed. But I didn't go to bed, because I had business to attend to. Right, Jeremy Clarkson thinks he's being flamboyant, and he doesn't realise that my knowledge of aerodynamics will trump his ability to fit rubber penises to people's cars. sh1t! Hammond! Fire! Help! Hammond! Help! The next morning, as we resumed our journey, I was feeling rather philosophical. I once saw an old lady fall over and drop her shopping bag on the opposite side of the road, and her shopping fell out. And amongst it was an Easter egg, which I assume she bought for a grandchild or something, and it rolled into the road and got run over by a car. It was the most tragic thing I've ever seen... until I saw the front of my car this morning. Jeremy: And it wasn't just the front of his own car he'd ruined. I wouldn't mind, but the rattling from James's workmanship is appalling. Despite everything, though, we were now almost there. Today, we would reach the beach that marked the finish of what had been a spectacular journey through a spectacular country. Oh! That deserves a stabbing. (LAUGHTER) Richard: Oh, my God! Oh! (SCREAMS) Jeremy: Oh, my... Giovanni, could you run the baths? (YELLS) Aargh! Help! Jeremy: It really is an amazing part of the world, this. But everything that makes it amazing is harsh and unforgiving and difficult. Oh, stop! No one's ever said this before, but Namibia... is a beautiful b*st*rd of a country. And yet, as we counted down the last few miles of our journey, our home-made beach buggies were still running. They were battered and bruised, but they'd proved our point to Mr Wilman. They'd made it. And they had done something else as well - they'd got under our skin. We liked them even more at the end than we had done at the start. I think everybody in the world should drive a beach buggy, because you're exposed to so much. Not just the elements, but the opinions of other people. I mean, when you're in a normal car, you shake your fist and make gestures, and shout and yell, because you feel cocooned and safe and immune from everybody. But in a beach buggy, everyone's just there. It's brilliant! It's such a friendly way of moving about. And with that, we settled down for what we hoped would be a smooth cruise to the beach. But it wasn't. Ow! Ow! Oh, God! Ow! This is outrageous! Holy sh1t! Oh, no! It's gone! And now my aerodynamics are badly affected as well. Oh, my word! Jeremy is hoping to get to the finish line in the sort of pile of scrap you hate your neighbours for keeping at the bottom of their garden. Oh, God! Jeremy: (LAUGHS) Oh, no! There's petrol! Oh! Hammond, don't go near his car! There's petrol all over the front of his car. Is there? Yeah. Richard: Ooh! Jeremy: What if it caught fire, James? With just 30 miles to go, the mighty seven-cylinder V8 really started to play up. (ENGINE CHUGGING) (ENGINE GRINDING) Oh, no! (LAUGHS) And then it started to go dark, which presented us with the biggest problem of the lot. (RICHARD LAUGHS) That's just terrible. Oh, God! James: Well, that's marvellous. Jeremy: That one is dazzling me and that one is showing me where to go. Richard: This is far from ideal. Jeremy: Before pitch darkness fell, we pulled over to do some emergency repairs. I'm gonna put some... tape of a certain well-known brand on the problem. Jeremy: Finger tight will do. These repairs were extremely successful. Oh, it's swung into my face! No, I can't see a thing. Agh! That's worse! Oh, God. Now they've turned. Oh, no! My car's gone cross-eyed again! Jeremy: There's a man coming the other way. What's he gonna think of us? (LAUGHS) I don't know. I can't see a bloody thing. Thank you. Oh, that's good! It's shaken the headlight back round again! Yeah! No, it's back again. Oh, just for a moment. Then the rough road brought some new headlight problems. Oh, nothing! Oh, no! Nothing! Nothing! I've got... I've now got nothing at all. OK, Hammond and May, can you just let me know what your lighting situation is now? Richard: As long as I hold the flash lever back, I have light. James: If I hold the lever, I get one light and one flashing light, yes. But I have to take my hand off to change gear. Jeremy: And then Hammond's car suddenly turned into the lighting rig at a Pink Floyd gig. Why does it keep changing? What... And it's all got... (GASPS) It's only three kilometres to go now. Three. Ahh! Oh, (BLEEP) hell! Gone. Coming back. Although we couldn't see, we knew we must be close to the beach. It's not... you know, a seaside beach. It must be on a river or a lake, or something. This is uphill. I'm sure that's wrong. That's a big drop there. I don't want to go off there. Jeremy: I'm not sure this is sensible. Nowhere in any guide I've ever read does it say, "Explore new territory in a beach buggy with your lights all broken." Unable to find anything even remotely resembling a beach, we pulled over. (WATER RUSHING) We cannot carry on just plunging around in the darkness, hoping to find the beach. And, anyway, what is that noise? Richard: I would say that... is a waterfall. Is it something you want to come across in the dark? Because the other thing I'd say about that sound - it might be my imagination, but that sounds as though it's coming from below, like we're above it. We have climbed up that track. And a waterfall is a drop, by definition. If we're... I don't want to... in the dark. Abandon. I'm not doing it. We'll do it tomorrow. Sun. Let's look at the stars and have one more night in Namibia. We'll find it tomorrow and it'll be fantastically glorious. Richard: Tomorrow on the beach. Jeremy: Giovanni! The next morning, daylight brought answers to our questions. So it wasn't a waterfall. No, it was many waterfalls. Hundreds of waterfalls. And they were just part of what we all agreed was the most beautiful view we'd ever seen. But... many waterfalls. No beach that I can see. Does that count as a beach? Jeremy: That is a beach. James: I'd call that a beach. The beach. That's got to be it. There's no others. Gentlemen, our quest is at an end. Let us ride... in splendour... to... I'm not finishing that very well. What is it? It's very moving. I'm trying to think of something evocative and Victorian and brilliant. Richard: "Let's go over there and finish our journey"? No, that's Brummie rubbish! It is! It's the fact. Jeremy: Unable to find the right words to mark the moment... we set off anyway. Yeah, this is it. We are half a kilometre from our objective. Oh. Oh, no. Path ends. Path ends. Erm... Oh, my God! Well, if this won't get over there, there's no way will theirs. Jeremy: We split up to look for a path through the rocks... James: Oh, no! ...but it was hopeless. Forget it. Hammond, forget it. We aren't going down this hill. The problem is, even if we could get over this stuff, which we can't... Richard: No, we can't. ...have you seen what's between us and the beach? Look at it. There's no way you could drive over that or anywhere near. Look, you can't even go inland. No, we can't go there. And you can't go around that mountain and come at it from the back, cos they're cliffs. Wait a minute. What? I've had... a great idea. Richard: Oh, no. No. So we can't drive over here. But we have to get us and our cars to that beach over there. If there were to be some kind of... A mounting point on that cliff, maybe, and then- Do what? No. Mounting point down there. Over that distance? That's a huge distance. It's about half a kilometre. No! But can you imagine the forces on it? The things at the end are gonna have to be... Huge. Massive. Jeremy, we don't all live in a cartoon. We will die! Dead! Richard: Given that there were no alternatives, we had to go with the ape's plan, which was to turn our beach buggies into cable cars. That's over two metres. Yeah, that's good enough. So we headed to a nearby abandoned mine... to scavenge materials. James: Is that bit any good? How much more of that cable have we got? Four drums. Are you proposing that that becomes a winding drum? Yeah. It's very important... we get as much weight as possible into Hammond's car... for erm... well, for your amusement. (COUGHS) (METAL CLATTERING) Right, toolbox. (CLANGING AND GRUNTING) James: How much do you want? Jeremy: 30 metres. James, have you got that hoop welded in yet? No, that's my next job. Richard: Several days later, and with absolutely no help whatsoever from any Namibian mining engineers... the world's first beach buggy cable car was ready, and- Jeremy: sh1t! Stop, everybody! The goats are eating the tree that we've anchored it to. Shoo, goats! Shoo! (BLEATING) They were eating the tree. Richard: Anyway, as I was saying, it stretched for more than a third of a mile. And since the drop to the crocodile-infested river was several hundred feet, we decided James should go first. We had a vote. Did you? We did, and we were unanimous you were going first. Right, so it's become a democracy all of a sudden? Jeremy: Yes, it has. Richard: Yeah. And anyway, your car's the lightest, now you've burned half of it away. I'm climbing in. Jesus! Jeremy: With the state-of-the-art generators fired up... (CHUGGING) ...James fortified himself for the journey... Is he drinking? ...and then simply drove off the launch pad. James: Oh, my God! Whoa! (CREAKING) Oh, sh1t! It's really high! It's really high! I'm turning the engine off. Richard: We had to test it. Jeremy: Well, exactly. He had to go first. Don't look at us and think we're bad. Because that was scientifically vigorous. (CREAKING) It's a cable car. It's a cable car. I've been on lots of cable cars. They're safe. Jeremy: God. Look, he's... This is where it's high. Richard: That's horrible. No! It's going really high! I don't like... (SCREAMS) James: I hate you! OK. He doesn't like us. James: Despite my terror, the cable buggy kept on chugging through what's technically Angolan airspace towards the beach. God, I'm nearly there! (CREAKING) Neutral. Handbrake off. He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it. I'm at the end! Jeremy: He's down. Richard: That's a landing. Yes! Do you know what, though? What? I'm doing maths here. Mm? One of us is gonna be killed doing this, obviously, yes? I'd say so, yeah. So when we were all here, 33% chance. Now I'm doing it with a 50% chance. Now you're doing it? I'm going next. I can go next. You can't go next. Why can't I go next? (CREAKING) Jeremy: Whilst James toasted his success with some more drink... I won the argument and prepared for launch. Why is my car at this angle? Well, maybe because there's a massive V8 hanging out the back of it. Right! Right, right, right! I'll... here we go. (ENGINE STARTS) (GROANS) My rectum has just opened like a set of theatre curtains. And for good reason, because my beach buggy weighed 200 kilograms more than James's charred wreck. Ooh! Ooh! He brushed the grass! I'm terrified, I'll be honest, but, for the first time since I set off, I'm comfortable in my beach buggy. (METALLIC CLUNK) Approaching the beach. Approaching the end of the journey. Here I come. And... touchdown! Yes! Jeremy: Bad news, Hammond. I've made it. Oh, great. Sir? Oh, I say, James! Jeremy: Actually, I was lucky there was some left, because James had had a bit of a thirst on whilst he'd been alone. (GRUNTS) Hello, guys down there. It's Richard at the top. Right, I'm gonna do this now, so goodbye. Oh! I don't like that feeling! (GROANS) (GROANING CONTINUES) Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hammond. (GRUNTS) No! I could take solace from the fact that this system has already run twice with their cars and not failed it's been tested. Or I could take a more realistic view, which is that those two fat oafs have already weakened it. Jeremy: Plus he had all that scrap metal in the back, which is why all eyes were on him. Well, when I say "all"... Look at the colours in those rocks over there. It's... It's fantastic. Just to the left of where Hammond is. Why's my car sitting so low? It is heavy. It is... Why's it lower? The colouring is fabulous, isn't it? Yeah, they are. Richard: Despite all my fears, the cables were holding and drawing me ever closer to my colleagues. This is it. I can see the beach. I'm so nearly there. We are gonna do it! Come on, Hammond. Come on. I'm gonna do it. Come on, Hammond. Come on. (CREAKING) (METALLIC CLUNK) (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) Oh. Erm... Why have I stopped? Jeremy: Hammond! James: Come on! Richard: I've stopped! Jeremy: Hammond! It's just stopped! What can I do? It's just stopped! There's, like, 200 metres to go! I don't have anything to do with it! It's not up to me! Is there nothing you can do? Sadly, James was too drunk to think, and I'm mechanically inept. Plus, whatever had gone wrong had gone wrong at the top, and we were at the bottom. Move! Move! Move! There's literally nothing we can do. We've assessed everything and you're in a hopeless position. We could have another beer. We've gonna have to conclude, I'm afraid, that Mr Wilman was right that the beach buggy is no good. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. Thank you so much for watching. Good night. ♪ You've got your head on backwards, baby ♪ ♪ You don't know where you're at ♪ ♪ You've got your head on backwards, baby ♪ ♪ Watch out or you'll fall flat ♪ ♪ Instead of saying hi to the people that you meet ♪ ♪ You ought to say goodbye as you're walking down the street ♪ ♪ You've got your head on backwards, baby ♪ ♪ And you're gonna hit the ground ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Well, when you finally fall down, baby ♪ ♪ I don't wanna be around ♪ ♪ No ♪
doc_71
THE TIME MEDDLER DENNIS SPOONER 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL (STEVEN pulls the doors fully open.) STEVEN: We can get inside. (They crouch down and walk inside the sarcophagus.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. MONK'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (They push open the doors and stand up straight as they find themselves in a familiar looking gleaming control room.) VICKI: (Totally amazed.) It's a TARDIS. The Monk's got a TARDIS! (STEVEN and VICKI walk towards the console which is similar to the DOCTOR'S but on a raised dais. They examine the controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY (Sword still in his hand, the DOCTOR continues to interrogate the MONK.) DOCTOR: I repeat my question: Which fires and what are they for? MONK: All right then. They're a signal for King Hardrada and the Viking fleet. DOCTOR: I see. MONK: They'll think it's a landing place. They'll come in unsuspecting! And then... DOCTOR: Well? Out with it! MONK: I'm going to destroy them! (The DOCTOR looks aghast.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. MONK'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (VICKI runs her hands across the controls. Some feet away, STEVEN has found something of interest...) STEVEN: Hey, Vicki. Come and take a look at this. He's...he's got a sort of fantastic private collection. (A small side room off the console room contains hundreds of pieces of art. Oil paintings hang off the walls, gilded statues clutter the floor area in between expensive antique furniture.) VICKI: He's got something from every period and every place. (STEVEN spots something out of place in all these riches. He goes over to a box full of foot long futuristic rockets and kneeling down, picks one up.) STEVEN: Hey, come and take a look at this. (He picks one up. VICKI has found a small notebook and she carries it in her hands as she walks over and crouches next to STEVEN.) STEVEN: It's like some kind of neutron bomb, I think. VICKI: Pretty unpleasant looking things, whatever they are. (She reads the notebook.) STEVEN: Hey, do you know...these could be fired by that weapon we saw on the clifftop. Huh, I wonder what he wants to do? Sink a ship? VICKI: He could sink a whole navy with that lot, I should think. STEVEN: Yes but the point is why would he want to? VICKI: Why has he done a lot of things? Listen to this... STEVEN: Why? What have you got there? VICKI: A logbook. A sort of diary. Listen: "Met Leonardo Da Vinci..." STEVEN: Who? VICKI: Da Vinci - listen! "Met Leonardo Da Vinci and discussed with him the principles of powered flight." STEVEN: What? Da Vinci lived in the...middle ages... I know he tried to build a...flying machine, a sort of aeroplane... VICKI: I know and according to this it was the Monk who put him up to it. And listen to this: "Put two hundred pounds in a London bank in 1968. Nipped forward two hundred years and collected a fortune in compound interest"! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY DOCTOR: So that's it! You're a time meddler! No wonder you wanted to get rid of me. And what are you trying to...get up to this time? Mmm? MONK: (Smiling.) I'm sure you'll approve Doctor. DOCTOR: Are you quite mad? You know as well as I do the golden rule about space and time travelling - never, never interfere with the course of history. MONK: And who says so? Doctor, it's more fun my way! I can make things happen ahead of their time! DOCTOR: Is that so? MONK: Yes indeed. For instance, do you really believe the ancient Britons could have built Stonehenge - without the aid of my anti-gravitational lift? DOCTOR: And what mischief are you up to now? Mmm? MONK: Mischief? No, no. A master plan! A master plan to end all master plans! DOCTOR: Oh, is that so? MONK: The whole course of history changed in one single swoop. DOCTOR: By wiping out the Viking fleet? MONK: Exactly, Doctor, exactly! Of course, obviously, I don't have to remind you that the main reason William the Conqueror won the Battle of Hastings, was because King Harold had to march to Stamford Bridge and defeat the Vikings first. DOCTOR: So you plan to save him the journey? Hmm? MONK: That's right. Precisely! A fresh army, no desertions. Why King Harold will kick William back to Normandy before knows what happened. It's quite a plan, eh? DOCTOR: (Gleefully.) Doh, yes! It's quite a plan! It's quite a plan, yes! (The DOCTOR paces round a column as the MONK smiles at his new "ally".) DOCTOR: I count myself a very fortunate person indeed, to be here, in the time - (Suddenly angry.) to prevent this disgusting exhibition! (The smile disappears off the MONK'S face.) MONK: You haven't prevented it yet, Doctor. DOCTOR: Haven't I? Where is this machine? MONK: I don't allow anybody in there? DOCTOR: (Holding the sword at the MONK'S face.) Where is it? Hmm? (The MONK pushes the sword to one side.) MONK: This way, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hmm! (The MONK leads the DOCTOR away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY OUTSIDE CELL (Holding the back of his head, SVEN staggers out of the DOCTOR'S former cell.) SVEN: Ulf? Ulf, where are you? Ulf? (He storms off to find his companion. ELDRED appears from around a column and wide-eyed, watches him go.) ELDRED: Vikings! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY (SVEN finds ULF still bound and gagged. He undoes the gag.) ULF: Where've you been? SVEN: (Untying ULF'S hands.) The Monk tricked me into a cell...then knocked me out. ULF: Can't you even guard one old man? SVEN: You haven't done better yourself. Come on. We should get back to the forest. ULF: No, we'll stay here. SVEN: Here? ULF: Safer than being outside. Unless you prefer to meet the Saxons again. SVEN: They wouldn't take us so easily this time. Nor would we be hampered by the mead. ULF: Maybe not. But I'll choose the monks...and whatever treasure may be stored inside these walls. SVEN: (His eyes lighting up.) Treasure...! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL (Still at swordpoint, the MONK leads the DOCTOR into the main hall and towards the sarcophagus. The MONK looks uneasily at the sword.) MONK: Oh... (The DOCTOR laughs.) MONK: Well, here we are. that's my time ship. DOCTOR: Oh, that's it eh? This horrible block of stone. MONK: This horrible block of stone, as you call it, is a perfect Saxon sarcophagus. DOCTOR: A Saxon what? MONK: Sarcophagus. DOCTOR: Yes...quite so. MONK: And more in keeping with the period, I would say, than a modern police box? (Laughs.) What's the matter, Doctor? Can't you repair your camouflage unit? DOCTOR: Now, now, now, don't try and bamboozle me. It so happens that your "machine" fits into this monastery, but it's sheer luck. MONK: Luck? Luck? Oh no, there's no luck about it. I couldn't have picked a better place for my headquarters than this. A deserted monastery right on the coast, gullible peasants who believe everything I say to them. Ha ha! No Doctor! No, I planned to materialise my ship right on this very spot, disguised as a sarcophagus and here it is! DOCTOR: I see, and all this is part of your master plan? Hmm? MONK: Precisely! (The DOCTOR laughs.) MONK: There's nothing hit or miss about my machine. DOCTOR: Oh, isn't there now? Well, let's have a look at this great wonder, hmm? (They walk round the sarcophagus.) DOCTOR: Yes, well, tell me, er, how does one exactly get into this, er, sarcophagus, hmm? (The MONK laughs.) Hammer and chisel? (The MONK'S laughs stops.) MONK: This way Doctor. (He ducks down to enter the door, then rises up again...) MONK: Oh, er, mind your head. (He ducks back down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. MONASTERY. ENTRANCE HALLWAY (ELDRED quietly makes his way to the front door and pulls back the bolt. He opens the door and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. MONASTERY (Looking round and seeing that no one is near, ELDRED clutches his wounded shoulder and runs off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. MONK'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (VICKI and STEVEN have found the scroll with the MONK'S ticklist on it.) STEVEN: ...Destroy Viking fleet, Norman landing, Battle of Hastings - Meet King Harold? Well, it seems to tell the whole story. VICKI: Why Steven? Why is he planning to do it? What's his reason? DOCTOR: Ah, that's a very good point, my child, indeed, a very good point. I must ask him that myself! (The DOCTOR and the MONK have entered the TARDIS. VICKI runs over to the DOCTOR and joyfully hugs him.) VICKI: Doctor! You're safe! DOCTOR: Safe? STEVEN: Oh, are we glad to see you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Safe? Oh, my dear! Of course I'm safe. Good gracious me! I see you found the machine. (He passes STEVEN the sword.) Keep your eye on that, young man. I thought I'd told you to wait outside the TARDIS. VICKI: Oh, er, we... STEVEN: Yes...well, we, er... DOCTOR: (Looking at the console.) You know, all this is very surprising. That's a Mark 4! MONK: Yes, yes, indeed. VICKI: Is that later than yours, Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: (Suddenly remembering.) Oh!...I forgot all about it. DOCTOR: (Examining the console.) Oh...forgot? Forgot what, child? Hmm? VICKI: Doctor...Doctor... DOCTOR: Hmm? VICKI: We haven't...got a time machine...any more. DOCTOR: Haven't we now? Oh, I say! Well...well, I...I wonder what that's supposed to mean, hmm? VICKI: Well, you know...you know we left it on the beach. DOCTOR: Yes, I remember very well, yes. It so happens that I was there at the time! My dear, I may appear a little half witted at times, but I... VICKI: (Trying to speak.) Doctor! DOCTOR: (Exasperated.) Oh! VICKI: The tide came in. DOCTOR: Oh is that all, my child? STEVEN: Well, isn't that enough? DOCTOR: The water cannot affect the TARDIS. It won't wash away. It'll still be there when the tide goes down. Now stop fretting, my dear. (Turning to the MONK.) Well, I must confess, er, I do congratulate you. It's a splendid machine. Although I do note there's been quite a few changes? MONK: Oh, yes indeed, Doctor. In fact this one is fitted with the automatic drift control. DOCTOR: Oh, I see, yes, of course. And, er, thereby you can suspend yourself in space with absolute safety. MONK: Precisely, Doctor. By the way, I tried to get into your police box but the door was locked. (Laughs.) What type's yours, Doctor? DOCTOR: (Curtly.) Mind your own business. (The MONK chuckles.) STEVEN: Look, I take it you both come from the same place, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, I regret that we do but I would say that I am fifty years earlier. (Turning back to the MONK.) Now when are you going to answer my questions, hmm? MONK: Which questions? DOCTOR: The reason for this deliberate destruction. MONK: I...I want to improve things. DOCTOR: Improve things! Hmm! Improve things, yes, that's good! Hmm hmm. Very good. (Snaps.) Improve what, for instance? MONK: (Almost to himself.) Well, for instance, Harold, King Harold - I know he'd be a good king. There wouldn't be all those wars in Europe, those...those claims over France went on for years and years. With peace the people'd be able to better themselves. With a few hints and tips from me...they'd be able to have jet airliners by 1320! Shakespeare'd be able to put "Hamlet" on television... DOCTOR: He'd do what? MONK: The play "Hamlet" on television... DOCTOR: Oh, yes, quite so, yes, of course, I do know the medium! MONK: Yeah... STEVEN: We're you going to kill the Vikings? MONK: Yes...yes, I...I was. You see, if I didn't then King ... DOCTOR: What are we going to do with this fellow, hmm? What can we do with this man? He's utterly irresponsible. Hmm! (He paces round the console.) He wants to destroy...the whole pattern of world history. Hmm. (Whilst VICKI and STEVEN concentrate on the DOCTOR'S words, the MONK makes a run for the door.) VICKI: Steven! Doctor! DOCTOR: Hmm? (They run after him out of the door.) DOCTOR: Oh, quick, quick! [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL (The MONK runs from the sarcophagus and straight into the arms of SVEN and ULF.) MONK: Ah! Long live King Hardrada! (The DOCTOR, VICKI and STEVEN have come out of the MONK'S TARDIS. The little man points to them.) MONK: Those are your enemies, there! Quick! [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. SAXON SETTLEMENT (A large group of noisy villagers have gathered outside WULNOTH'S hut. Sword in hand, WULNOTH addresses them, trying to convince them that they are in danger. EDITH stands by his side.) WULNOTH: The old man...the old man who journeyed here spoke of a Viking invasion descending on us! (The villagers look astonished and turn to each other with mutters of "Viking Invasion?".) WULNOTH: And the Monk asked us to light beacon fires on the clifftops. (The villagers all cry out. EDITH shouts over their clamour.) EDITH: The old man spoke the truth! He had no reason to lie. (There are more cries.) WULNOTH: Fires on the clifftops would guide the ships in to land. Viking ships! (The crowd cries out again.) EDITH: We know and respect the monastery as a place of worship. But what of the Viking spy who passes himself off as a monk? (The crowd cries out again. Suddenly, EDITH points.) EDITH: Look! (ELDRED staggers into the settlement. Various people say "Eldred!" in shock. The man himself is supported by WULNOTH and EDITH. HE is very weak.) ELDRED: The monastery... WULNOTH: What of it? What have you seen? ELDRED: Vikings... (The crowd repeat "Vikings? in surprise".) ELDRED: The Vikings...hiding there... (The crowd cry out.) EDITH: Is that enough? Do you need more proof? (The crowd cry "No!".) WULNOTH: Arm yourselves! We know how to treat the raiders! (The villagers run off to gather arms.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. MONASTERY. PASSAGEWAY (SVEN and ULF are carrying the box of rockets through the monastery. The box is heavy and the two Vikings have to stop and rest.) MONK: Come along, come along, if we want to send signals to your ships, we mustn't delay like this, you know. ULF: What are these things? MONK: They are, er, they're charms, my son, to guide your ships to sheltered waters. (Laughs.) Come along. (The two Vikings look at each other, then pick the box back up and walk off with it.) MONK: I know you don't understand but, believe me, your ships will know they're there! (Laughs.). [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL (His feet and hands bound, STEVEN hops down some steps at the back of the main hall and to the base of the sarcophagus where the DOCTOR and VICKI are sat - similarly bound. The DOCTOR seems to be asleep. STEVEN sits next to VICKI.) STEVEN: I can't find a sharp enough stone anywhere. Those Vikings sure know how to tie knots. VICKI: It looks as though that Monk's going to get away with it after all. STEVEN: Yes, but he can't, can he? Well, I don't know much about history but I do know that William the Conqueror did win the Battle of Hastings. VICKI: Up 'til now he did. If the Monk changes it, I suppose...our memories will change as well. STEVEN: What about the history books? VICKI: Mmm, that's all right. They're not written yet. They'll just write and print the new version. (STEVEN thinks about this.) STEVEN: But that means that...the exact minute...the exact second that he does it...every history book, every...well, the whole future of every year and time on Earth will change, just like that and nobody'll know that it has? VICKI: I suppose that's...what I'm trying to say. STEVEN: Well, there's more to this time travelling than meets the eye. (He looks over at the DOCTOR.) STEVEN: What's the matter with the Doctor? He's not gone to sleep has he? (VICKI shuffles over to him.) VICKI: Doctor, are you awake? (The DOCTOR'S eyes open. He is instantly alert.) DOCTOR: Wide awake, my dear. As a matter of fact, I was just turning over in my mind what we're going to do with this Monk fellow. He won't listen, he's determined to have his own way. He's got to be stopped. He must be stopped! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. FOREST (WULNOTH, EDITH, ELDRED and the other villagers stealthily make their way through the forest towards the monastery. They are armed with staves and spears. They disturb some birds in the trees and pause to see if it has alerted any of their enemies who may be in hiding. After a second, WULNOTH moves them on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT MONASTERY. ENTRANCE HALL (The MONK with ULF and SVEN arrive in the entrance hall with the box of rockets.) MONK: Come along, come along, yes, yes, they are rather heavy, aren't they, but they're a sort of special charm, you understand? ULF: And where are we taking them? MONK: To the clifftop. Now come along. I won't be stopped. Hurry - I'll open the door for you. (He does so.) MONK: There. Come. (ULF and SVEN carry the box outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. MONASTERY (They are immediately attacked by the Saxons. ULF and SVEN drop the box and run inside the monastery, pursued by the villagers.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. MONASTERY. ENTRANCE HALL (The MONK hides, unseen, behind the door as the pursued and the pursuers run past, all shouting. He thinks they have all come through the door and is about to step out of hiding, but two more run in, making him dive for cover behind the door again. With a look of worry now that his plans are upset, he hitches up his habit runs outside the monastery.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. MONASTERY (He is not as safe as he hoped, as immediately behind him are the two Vikings followed by the roaring Saxons.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL (EDITH has found the three travellers and she is untying their bonds.) DOCTOR: Oh...ah...yes, thank you. Thank you indeed. Oh, it's a good thing for us that you decided to make a search, hmm? EDITH: Oh, without your help, we'd never have known the Monk was a Viking spy, would we? DOCTOR: Ah, yes, the Monk now - was he caught, hmm? EDITH: Now Wulnoth and the others will not let him escape nor the two Vikings that are with him. DOCTOR: Hmm, yes, yes, no doubt they'll catch up with him and, er , the rest of them. But, er, that Monk you know, still worries me. I think he's got some tricks left up his sleeve. EDITH: Hmm. Where are you going to now? DOCTOR: Oh, we shall continue with our travels. EDITH: Oh you must come back to the village with us before you go... DOCTOR: Yes... EDITH: ...so we can bid you farewell. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, certainly, certainly, but we have one or two things to do here at the monastery first. But, er, we don't want to delay you, er, we'll follow on? Hmm? (EDITH picks up her spear and leaves.) DOCTOR: Ahh, what a charming woman! Hmm, charming! Well, now you two, come along, we've got a lot to do. STEVEN: Well, such as what? VICKI: Shall we go back to the TARDIS? DOCTOR: You know we can't do that, my child, not until we stop this time meddler. Have either of you got a pencil and paper on you? Hmm? VICKI: No. STEVEN: No, 'fraid not. DOCTOR: Well now, be a good fellow and go into the machine and try and find one. STEVEN: (Stepping away.) Yes, OK Doc. DOCTOR: Hmm? STEVEN: (Stopping.) ...tor! (STEVEN steps behinds the sarcophagus.) VICKI: Who are you going to write to? DOCTOR: The Monk, of course, Hmm hmm! Who else? [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. FOREST (SVEN and ULF run into a clearing. They pause to gain their bearings, then run on. A second later, the MONK runs into the clearing. He sees the Vikings.) MONK: Here - this way. (They turn back.. The MONK points.) MONK: Behind that tree there, there's an old well. We can hide there, quick! (The Vikings run off to hide in the suggested place. The MONK runs off in another direction. The Vikings come back.) SVEN: There's no well there...! ULF: Where's he gone? (The Villagers surround them and start stabbing them with their spears and staves...) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. MONK'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR is now out of his monks habit and back in his normal attire. He crouches underneath the console of the MONK'S TARDIS undoing a lead. He then gingerly pulls out a perspex electronic box. He puts his finger into the space in the console previously occupied by the box and receives a small shock.) DOCTOR: Ooh! (Shouts.) Mr Taylor! Where are you with that string, dear boy? (STEVEN and VICKI run up.) STEVEN: Here you are Doctor. I found some. DOCTOR: Good gracious me, come along. (VICKI crouches under the console with the DOCTOR who starts tying the string round the lead which connects the perspex box to the console.) VICKI: What's that thing under there, Doctor? DOCTOR: (Snaps.) Now keep your nose out, my child, never mind. (VICKI just looks closer.) DOCTOR: (Snaps again.) Did you hear what I said? Keep your nose away. Do you want to get a shock? This is a very dangerous business. Now keep still, all of you. Tie this in a knot. (The DOCTOR does so. He then stands.) DOCTOR: Now, the vibrations...ticklish...get back, get back! (Letting the perspex box dangle carefully from the underneath of the console, he backs towards the doors with the long length of string connected to the box in his hand. VICKI and STEVEN are behind.) DOCTOR: Now you two, go outside. I'll follow in a minute. VICKI: But Doctor, what exactly are you doing? DOCTOR: (Angry.) Oh, please don't ask me questions! Go child! Outside! (VICKI runs out. STEVEN grins but doesn't leave.) STEVEN: Well, what are you trying to do...? (He stops asking questions when he sees the look of thunder on the DOCTOR'S face. The old man points at the door and STEVEN leaves. The DOCTOR then backs out of the TARDIS, playing the string out behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL (VICKI and STEVEN wait by the sarcophagus.) VICKI: Is he coming out yet? (STEVEN crouches down and looks through the door.) STEVEN: Yes, yes, here he is. (The DOCTOR comes out.) DOCTOR: Now, back, elbow room, please! Now keep still. (VICKI and STEVEN stand back as the DOCTOR starts gently to pull on the string which leads into the sarcophagus.) DOCTOR: We're not out of the wood yet. (As the string grows taught, the DOCTOR suddenly yanks on the string. He holds up the perspex box in triumph.) DOCTOR: Dah - there it is! Ha ha! I've done it, I've done it, I've done it! (Laughs.) STEVEN: Well, nothings happened, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hasn't it? Hasn't it, my dear boy? VICKI: Come on, aren't you going to tell us? DOCTOR: Yes, sometime, my dear, sometime. (He passes STEVEN the perspex box.) DOCTOR: Here, put that in your pocket. Quickly. Ah...! (The DOCTOR has picked up an envelope which he places on top of the sarcophagus.) VICKI: Oh, is that the letter you wrote... DOCTOR: Yes... VICKI: ...to the Monk. (She reaches to it.) DOCTOR: Keep your hands off it, young lady. I don't want you nosying into peoples personal and private corre...correspondence. Good gracious me! Well, I think we've finished here. Now, lets go. STEVEN: Back to the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Yes, certainly, back to the TARDIS. Yes, come along... (They leave. The envelope, with "To The Monk" inscribed on the front, lies on top of the sarcophagus awaiting its addressee.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. FOREST (The MONK struggles through the forest. He is dirty and grubby from his exertions.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. CLIFFTOP (Gulls fly and cry out over the coast as the time travellers arrive back at the clifftop overlooking the TARDIS' landing place. They stand in the strong breeze.) DOCTOR: (Pointing.) There it is, my dear. There's the TARDIS. Safe and sound - didn't I tell you so? VICKI: Oh, am I glad to see that old police box again! DOCTOR: Oh, glad indeed. Well, we must start climbing down the cliff and get aboard as soon as we can. There's going to be an invasion shortly. STEVEN: What? You mean any minute now the...the Viking fleet's going to sail past here? DOCTOR: Yes, my boy, yes. And history will be... DOCTOR and VICKI: (Together.) ...allowed to take its natural course! (The DOCTOR tuts at VICKI'S mimicking of him.) STEVEN: You know, I'm beginning to like the idea of being a crew member on a time machine. VICKI: A crew member? You'll be lucky! He's the crew - we're just the passengers. DOCTOR: Yes, and both very welcome ones, my dear. Come along, come along! Come on, come on! (The DOCTOR walks off followed by VICKI. STEVEN pauses to look over the cliff edge.) STEVEN: It's a heck of a way down. (Shouting after the others.) Wish we had a pair of wings! [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. MONASTERY. ENTRANCE HALL (The exhausted MONK arrives back at the monastery and shuts the door behind him. He pauses for breath.) MONK: Oh (Coughs.) Oh, I'm getting too old for this sort of thing! It's ridiculous... (He walks into the monastery ...) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL ( ... and arrives at the main hall.) MONK: Yes, I was right. They're gone. Well, I suppose I'd better be on my way again too. Oh. (Coughing he walks over to the sarcophagus where he finds the envelope. He opens it and takes the letter out. He smiles.) MONK: The Doctor! (Laughs.) (He looks slyly round, then he smiles as he reads the letter.) MONK: "My dear fellow", (Laughs.) "I'm sure you excuse me but I didn't want to say goodbye as you are obviously going to be very busy for some time." He's right there! "Just in case you still idea's about your master plan, I've taken precautions to stop your time meddling" (Laughs.) How could he stop a Mark 4?! (He thinks and, for a second, a look of concern passes over his face. He looks quickly at the sarcophagus, then carries on reading the letter.) MONK: "Possibly one day in the future, when you've learnt your lesson, I shall return and release you." Release me! Ha! Me! (Laughs.) Oh the old fool, Ha ha! Oh...I wonder what he meant by..."release" me? Well, ah...be going. (He ducks behind the sarcophagus to the door...) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. MONK'S TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The inside of his ship has been shrunk to a size far too small for the MONK to be able to enter. His face fills the doorway.) MONK: Oh!...Oh!...What's he done? Ha - he's taken my dimensional control! He's ruined my time machine! I'm...I'm marooned! Marooned! In [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. MONASTERY. MAIN HALL (The MONK stands.) MONK: Oh, Doctor! (He screams in a rage.) MONK: Doctor! Doctor!!! (Dashing the letter onto the floor, he sits desolate on some steps with his head in his hands...) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. BEACH (The TARDIS dematerialises.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: SPACE (STEVEN, VICKI and the DOCTOR continue their travels...)
doc_72
Opening scene - Harbor school - Ryan and Seth are just arriving. Ryan is on his bike and Seth is riding his skateboard Seth: so Alex an I kissed, an you spent the whole night at the bus stop talking to Lindsay Ryan: I know somehow the double date worked out (Seth is now walking, and Ryan is pushing his bike) Seth: yeah, i'm proud'a you, so what's next for you two love birds huh, maybe chatting at the train station, whispering sweet nothings at the (laughs) airport, Ryan i'm workin off the bus stop motif? Bro (puts his hand up for a 'hi five') Ryan: yeah I got it (Seth laughs) (unsure) I don't know what's next, i'm jus gonna take things slow, no pressure Seth: yeah? what about asking her to the big dance (points) (a big banner gets raised in front of them which blocks our view of them. the banner is blue and white with 'The SnO.C.' written in dark blue letters. on the far right corner is 'WINTER DANCE' in smaller writing) Ryan: oooh no, the winter dance Seth: yeah do it man listen i'm gonna take Alex so take Lindsay an then we can have the double date that we were suppose to have Ryan: (unsure) uh it jus seems a little soon, I mean what if she's had the weekend to think about it an just decides we should be lab partners, all we did was talk Seth: (closes his eyes) Ryan Atwood, are you scared of a girl Ryan: no I just (shrugs) I might like her an...I don't know every time there's a big party to go to- Seth: something goes terribly array Ryan: yyeeaahh Seth: yeah but usually to you (points) maybe this is my year to shoulder that burden Ryan: (looks at Seth) you're not really the fist fighting type... Seth: well your not really the type to be scared of a girl (shakes his head) just ask her to the dance, it's the only way you'll know how she feels (Ryan looks at the banner, then at Seth) Ryan: maybe ill jus go alone (unsure) (Seth looks at Ryan. Ryan looks at Seth then back towards the banner) CUT TO: Summer and Marissa in the halls, at Summer's locker. Summer: (off screen) Coop you cannot go alone Marissa: why not (shrugs) it's just a school dance Summer: it is not just a school dance, it is the SnO.C. the one night where winter comes to Newport beach (shuts her locker) and your first dance of the year as social chair (they are now walking away from the lockers. Zach moves next to Marissa) Zach: what happened to DJ Marissa: oh I didn't ask him (Zach looks at her) my moms chairing the host committee, she'd (laughs) freak Zach: your mom doesn't like him Summer: she doesn't know about it him (raises her eyebrows) Marissa: (looks at Summer but talks to Zach) it's not his type of thing anyway (Ryan and Seth walk over to them) Ryan: hey (Seth waves. Summer unenthusiastically waves back while Marissa is talking) Marissa: hey guys you still haven't bought your SnO.C tickets yet so can I put you down for four? Ryan: yeah I don't know about that Seth: ah you should take the misses (Zach looks at Seth, clearly not happy) Summer: hey Cohen you should invite that girl from Saturday night, yeah, oh god- I forgot she totally pulled (Marissa is trying not to laugh) a Houdini on your ass (Zach closes his eyes, clearly not liking this side of Summer) Seth: oooh right, you must be talking about Lindsay not Alex the one I (clicks his fingers then makes a gun with his fingers) made out with (blows his finger like it's the tip of a gun) Summer: oh i'm sorry Alex my mistake, an here i'm feeling sorry for the wrong girl Zach: I should probably get to class (walks off) Summer: you know you just really should make sure she wears comfortable shoes so she doesn't twist her ankle when she's running away Seth: yeah? like-like him (points to Zach walking out the door) Summer: uh (goes after Zach) (yells) Zach (runs between Ryan and Seth) wait Seth: (smiles) that worked out rather nicely Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Cohen kitchen - Sandy is on the phone trying to get hold of Caleb Sandy: Caleb its me, I still haven't heard back from you about settin up another meeting with Renee Wheeler an her attourney (Kirsten comes in) (sighs) so do me a favor an call me back will ya (hangs up) (to Kirsten) how bout some eggs Kirsten: (holding plans) you ok Sandy: yeah, how bout an omlette Kirsten: I know i'm not spose'to ask about the case Sandy: honey even if I could talk about it, i'd have nothin to tell ya Kirsten: my dads still not talking Sandy: w-what could he possibly have done that he'd rather go ta jail then admit to...unless...life with Julie Cooper is tougher then we thought Kirsten: what're you gonna do Sandy: the only thing I can do, ask for a continuance...buy some time an...find out what he's hiding CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan walks into a class room, and Lindsay is at a desk about to sit down. Ryan smiles then walks over to her Ryan: (softly near her ear) hey, how you doin Lindsay: (turns around) hi (smiles) uh good, i'm-i'm good um...I thought about what you said on the weekend an...you were so sweet...and so honest Ryan: i'm glad cause um...there's this dance Lindsay: uh yeah um (Ryan has a huge smile on his face) actually I don't think so (Ryan's smile disappears) I mean I...would love...to go out with you but (Ryan looks at her, confused) we're lab partners, can you imagine...how awkward its gonna be if we break up Ryan: (looks at Lindsay stunned) we haven't even gone out yet Lindsay: it's already awkward, let's face it relationships almost always end badly an this way...we can be friends for the rest of our lives Ryan: ...so you just wanna be friends Lindsay: I think we should be (Ryan nods and walks away, disappointed. the lights go out in the class room. Ryan looks over at Lindsay then takes his bag off and goes to sit down) CUT TO: Bell goes and we see kids coming out of class rooms. we hear a cell phone ring then see Marissa coming out of a classroom into the hallway Marissa: (answers her phone) hello (we see DJ standing out in Harbor parking lot, the SnO.C. banner is in the background) DJ: hey is now a bad time Marissa: (smiles) where are you DJ: i'm in the parking lot, do you think you can get away for lunch (smiles) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom at the mansion. - we see Marissa from about her waist up, fall back on her bed Marissa: I...really like our lunch breaks (we see DJ move into the shot, on top of her. he leans down and kisses her) DJ: (softly) so, what's the SnO.C. (they both laugh/smile) Marissa: it's just this dance (Marissa moves out from under DJ and leans on her elbow. he's sort of the same, their noses are almost touching) we never get snow here so we kind of have'ta make it (kisses DJ) ourselves DJ: oooh, it sounds like fun (kisses Marissa's neck) Marissa: actually its very Harbor, you'd probably hate it(laughs) DJ: (stops kissing her neck) guess it's a good thing that no ones asked me then Marissa: I would of...its just i'm kind of running it so I figured DJ: you don't wanna be distracted by havin to...I don't know finally introduce me to your friends Marissa: i'm sorry...but (shrugs) I figured id be so busy i'd be a bad date, if you- DJ: its cool (smiles) i'd rather be alone with you anyway Marissa: (smiles) well we could go out afterward, or we could just stay in (Marissa kisses DJ and they go back to laying down, DJ moves on top of her. we hear a door shut and see Julie coming through the front door of the mansion, she walks in and picks up the mail. she begins to flick through it then hears Marissa and DJ, I can make out Marissa saying 'that tickles, i'm serious'. - we then go back to Marissa's room and see them still making out heavily, Marissa moves so that DJ is now underneath, she's sort of leaning over him and undoing his shirt. once Marissa has it un done DJ sits up and Marissa lies back. Julie opens the door) Julie: Marissa... (Marissa gasps then sits up so she's next to DJ) Julie: (shocked) oh my god (Marissa sits up more and pulls her singlet down to cover her stomach/back) Julie: (frowns) the yard guy Marissa: m-mom Julie: what're you doing home from school Marissa: i'm on my lunch break (moves off the bed) and now if you'll excuse me (picks up her things) I have'to get back DJ: I better get to work Julie: (to DJ) no you don't, your fired (points) (to Marissa) and you young lady, are grounded Marissa: (scoffs) like that's gonna keep me from seeing him, come on DJ Julie: (to DJ as he walks passed) you stay away from my daughter you hear me (DJ looks at Julie then walks out. Julie glares at DJ) CUT TO: Newport group - Kirsten is talking to her secretary? Sandy comes in Kirsten: oh thanks Michelle, did my dad call (takes messages) Michelle: no an i've tried him on his cell and at home Sandy: hey Kirsten: hey (walks over to Sandy) how'd it go with the judge Sandy: well not only was my motion for a continuance denied, trials now ben fast tracked (Kirsten looks at him) we've got less then two weeks (now they are inside Kirsten's office. Sandy picks up her phone) Sandy: i'm callin Caleb again (dials) Kirsten: how could I of not see this coming Sandy: oh honey come on, how could'ya have phone msg: your call has ben forwarded (Sandy hangs up) Kirsten: I've ben working with him side by side all this time, how could I of not known that he was bribing this woman from the city council Sandy: if that is what he was doing...? Kirsten: what'did she say at her deposition Sandy: nothing (shrugs) her lawyer wouldn't let her answer any'a my questions Kirsten: ya can't talk to her without a lawyer Sandy: well...I could Kirsten: that would be unethical Sandy: yeah, strictly speaking (Kirsten looks at him) but desperate times... (Kirsten shakes her head) i'm just sayin if I happen to run into the woman Kirsten: (worried) I don't want you getting yourself in trouble over this Sandy: oh honey (kisses Kirsten on the cheek) it's a little late for that (Sandy leaves and Kirsten turns around and sighs, she looks worried) CUT TO: Harbor student lounge - Ryan is standing at the bench of the food/drink bit and Zach walks over to him Zach: hey, Ryan, you know where I can buy my SnO.C. tickets Ryan: can't say I do Zach: you're not going Ryan: uhhh no Zach: no one to go with? Ryan: I had someone to go with, she jus...didn't...wanna go with me (frowns) uh what's up are you goin with Summer Zach: definitely, its a given right...except of course for Cohen Ryan: ah I don't think he's askin Summer Zach: I don't think...he has to, I mean even if he doesn't ask her somehow the nights gonna end up about them Ryan: ah I get that, believe me (raises his eyebrows) but uh I think it's really over, I mean Seth has a new girl now Zach: really (raises his eyebrows) so he's over Summer Ryan: oh yeah, definitely (Zach nods) (not so confident) I think so...h-he wants to be... (Zach looks down) CUT TO: The Bait shop - a guy wheels some beer cartons in for Alex and in the background Seth comes in Seth: (sighs) hello Alex, how are we today Alex: here finally, can you carry these to the storeroom Seth: the storeroom, sure, maybe you'd like ta show me where it is (Alex looks at Seth, and Seth winks at her sexily) Alex: alright, Cohen we need to work Seth: ok, if by work you mean (coughs) make out uh-hm Alex: no, by work I mean work Seth: alright, no romance in the work place, that's fine I can respect that, but in that case Harbor schools annual SnO.C. balls comin up...wha'dya say, little dancing a little faux snow Alex: obviously you got the wrong idea Saturday night (shakes her head) because you an me it's... (laughs) not happening (walks away) Seth: ...ok, ok except you did kinda kiss me Alex: ah-huh (smiles) it was fun! Seth: (confused) it was fun...that's it, it didn't mean anything to you Alex: dude, it was just a kiss Seth: ok then why didn't you just shake hands (Alex looks at Seth then walks over to the beer guy and kisses him) Alex: thanks Homer, see ya Thursday Homer: (smiles) thankyou (Homer walks away and Seth stands there stunned) Seth: ...you just kissed the beer guy Alex: so it is just a kiss, right Mandy (Alex turns and kisses Mandy, Seth stands behind them so we can see his face between theirs, Seth has his mouth open) Mandy: right (smiles, then walks off) Alex: so Saturday night was (shrugs) fun but...that's all (Seth nods, stunned) those...sodas aren't gonna carry themselves to the store room (Alex walks off and Seth frowns, still stunned by what just happened) CUT TO: Harbor parking lot - Ryan and Seth pull up in the range rover Seth: d'you think its offensive ta say that like...all women are crazy Ryan: probably to women Seth: (frowns) it makes no sense man Alex kisses me an then she turns right around an she kisses Homer Ryan: who's Homer Seth: (frowns) the beer guy, an he's not a looker either an then after that she turns right around and kisses Mandy Ryan: (frowns) Mandy's a girl Seth: yeah Ryan: wow Seth: no, I couldn't even enjoy it so (emphasised) consumed was I with how crazy women are Ryan: ugh believe me I know (gets out) I spent all night at a bus stop talking to Lindsay everything's great, next thing I know, she dumps me before we even go out Seth: crazy Ryan: I know Seth: I know (gets out) i'm tellin ya man, women are so freakin crazy I wouldn't be suprised if next time we see em, Alex is draggin me to the storeroom an Lindsay's askin ya to the dance Ryan: uh I don't think so (sighs) Seth: which part you an Lindsay or me an Alex gettin it on (we hear a car door slam, then see Marissa struggling to carry boxes and rolled up cardboard for the dance) Ryan: hey (Seth waves) Marissa: (smiles) hey Seth: (walks over) how are you, you need a hand with somethin Marissa: sure Seth: alright (takes box from Marissa and passes it straight to Ryan {lol, typical Seth} Ryan be a gentleman, i've got class (walks off) Ryan: what'do you need me to grab Marissa: umm, in my car is a penguin {I have no idea how she managed to say that straight faced! lol) Ryan: (looks at Marissa) a penguin (the next thing we see is Ryan carrying a HUGE stuff penguin over his shoulder, the head is towards the camera, and the butt is behind him. he has to hold it with one hand cause he has the cardboard box under the other arm. you can tell he's struggling, lol. Marissa is walking next to him) Marissa: (sees) be careful! Ryan: oh don't worry, i'm fine Marissa: it's the penguin i'm worried about, he's very expensive Ryan: (out of breath) oh is he, well uh oh (the penguin tips forward and he starts to lose his grip on the box) oh oh oh Marissa: (panics) oh my god, no Ryan (Marissa takes the weight of the head so they are both holding half. Ryan starts to muck around with Marissa, there is dialogue here, I think Ryan says (in a penguin voice) 'my legs went floppy my legs went floppy, then Marissa says 'that's not funny'. it's really nice to see them laughing with each other. we see Lindsay on the stairs and she looks over at them. at this point Marissa has dropped the rolled up cardboard she was holding, and just has hold of the penguin. Seth stands next to Lindsay who looks jealous) Seth: its not too late (points) you can still ask him to the SnO.C. (we see Ryan with the penguin held above his head, he's chasing Marissa with it. Marissa picks up one of the rolled up cardboards) Marissa: (laughing) you have no idea how hard it is to plan one of these events (Marissa whacks Ryan with the cardboard, Ryan smiles) Seth: Ryan? love's to dance Lindsay: he's gonna think...i'm crazy Seth: oh ho ho, he knows your a girl, he expects it (walks off) (Lindsay watches them more, we see Ryan running off with the penguin, and Marissa chasing him with the cardboard. we then go to a class room. Marissa and Ryan walk in. it looks like Marissa is using it as 'SnO.C.' headquarters because there are decorations and things in there) Marissa: mm I have your tickets for the dance an no arguments ok, cause it's for charity Ryan: (puts the box down) if I buy the thing do I have'to go i'm kinda dateless at the moment Marissa: yeah, me too Ryan: what about you an DJ, I thought you guys were Marissa: we're hanging out but...it's a school dance an I think he'd feel weird about it Ryan: hey it's my school, I feel weird about it Marissa: yeah me too an i'm the one throwing the thing Ryan: guess you can't not go huh Marissa: I wish, both my parents are hosting (gets the tickets out) hey you know what why don't we go together (Ryan looks at her) as friends of course but at least that way we wouldn't have'to be alone Ryan: uh that's true Marissa: (smiles) great, so sevens good (Ryan points at her then leaves the room) CUT TO: Summer walking down the hall, Seth is standing near a locker and sees her, he thinks about going over to her and you can tell he's torn. Summer walks passed and he walks next to her Seth: hello Summer, you look lovely today are those manolo's Summer: what'do you need Cohen Seth: well I need help Summer: no argument here Seth: see it turns out Ryan's good for some things ummm comic books, bench pressing, engine repair but sometimes...a more feminine point of view is required Summer: you're asking me for girl advice Seth: an I know its...really weird cause you know you an I are not anymore, the thing is Summer...truthfully you are the only person in my life that I... (closes his eyes) your right this is...really weird an bad, i'm sorry (walks away) Summer: no its Seth: it's really its cool Summer: its ok, i'm listening Seth: really Summer: kind of (picks up a magazine) (they walk over to the couch and sit down) Summer: uh-hm Seth: ok, alright so you remember that girl from Saturday right, the one that I- Summer: you made out with an were rubbing my nose in it Seth: so I thought y'know she likes me right so I asked her to the dance Summer: she said no Seth: right, an then she kissed two people...right infront'a me (raises his eyebrows) Summer: damn, she's good Seth: at what, besides kissing though Summer: well...she's playing you hot an cold and so far Cohen you've just ben hot Seth: Summer Summer: not that kinda hot, you need'a cool it down Cohen, you gotta go like...iceman on her ass, see how she likes it Seth: was that your first Xmen reference Summer: topgun (smiles) Seth: topgun Summer: mm-hmm Seth: hey that's one of the greatest love story's of our time (we see Zach walk in, he looks over and sees Summer sitting with Seth, he's not happy. we see them close up, Seth says something about 'an F14 then Summer hits Seth on the head playfully with her magazine. Zach watches then turns away) CUT TO: Outside a law office, there is a sign but I couldn't make out the name - Renee Wheeler is walking towards her car, I assume her lawyer works there. just as Renee gets close to her car Sandy gets out of his Sandy: Ms. Wheeler (Renee turns around) Sandy Cohen, Caleb's attourney Renee: Mr. Cohen you know I can't speak to you without my attourney present Sandy: with all due respect Miss Wheeler ya didn't say a word to me when your attourney was present Renee: I had nothing to say, i'm not the one on trial here Sandy: then why'd the DA indight you too Renee: (looks at Sandy) ask my lawyer, your going to be hearing from him as well as the bar association, goodbye Mr. Co- Sandy: you're hidin somethin Ms. Wheeler we both know it, look whatever is goin on between you an Caleb Renee: there is nothing going on between me an Caleb Sandy: oh ok well there was...wasn't there (Renee looks at him) so you had an affair so what its over, why not come forward...why risk both of ya goin to jail over-over nothing Renee: I have to go ill see you in court (gets in her car) (Sandy watches, helpless) CUT TO: Harbor classroom - Lindsay walks in, and over to Ryan who is already sitting at a table. Lindsay: (smiles) hey Ryan: (indifferent) hey (writing in his school book) Lindsay: ...so iiiiv'e ben thinking aaannndd well (Ryan glances at her quickly) yes...I would love to go to the dance with you Ryan: (suprised) you would Lindsay: yes Ryan: umm (frowns) i'm kinda goin with someone else now Lindsay: oh Ryan: yeah Lindsay: with Marissa... Ryan: (not looking at Lindsay) yeah Lindsay: god, of course um Ryan: but only because you said- Lindsay: no, no I know an...I was right the first time (Ryan looks at her) really I don't...I don't even like dances soo (laughs) have fun (Lindsay starts her work, and Ryan goes back to his. Lindsay looks at him then looks back down, Ryan looks at her) CUT TO: Summer walking in the halls, she walks up to Zach who is at his locker Summer: hey (touches Zach's back) missed you at lunch Zach: yeah I was...in the library I had to finish a history paper Summer: uh library god how can you work in there, it is like sooo quiet Zach: look I got world lit so I gotta go (walks away) Summer: well hey (Zach stops) um I was thinking maybe before the dance we could like go- Zach: yeah...about that (looks down) um...it turns out i'm not gonna be able to go (Summer nods, sad) I got family stuff, sorry Summer: ok well unless you're like grieving over the death of a family pet...we're going to the SnO.C. Zach: why don't you just ask Cohen...i'm sure he'd love to take ya (Summer doesn't know how to respond, Zach walks off. Summer sort of rolls her eyes then says ugh) CUT TO: The Bait shop - Seth comes in on the top floor, Alex sees (shes also up top but over the side) and gets up to go over to him Alex: hey great your here, the floors need sweeping an mopping and I know how much you looovvveee cleaning the bathroom so I saved them for you but you can start with clearing those empties Seth: (nods) great, ill get right on it (Seth picks up a trash bag and walks over to the table. Alex stands at the stairs and looks at Seth. Seth whistles and turns the trash bag around the other way, finds the opening then puts rubbish in it) Alex: your not very chatty today are ya Seth: uhh, I don't know is there...something you wanted to talk about Alex: no, not really I- Seth: alright (goes back to clearing) uh-hm (Alex's watches him not sure why he's changed, she goes down the stairs) Seth: you know what (Alex looks up) there is something that I think we should discuss (Alex walks back up) here's the thing um...first of all I love working here I do but right now (Alex is listening) for me...with school an homework an this dance coming up...I don't know that I have time for a job Alex: you're quitting Seth: yeah Alex: because I wouldn't make out with you in the storeroom (frowns) Seth: what, no th- just come on listen I asked you to a dance, you said no (Alex is listening) I respect that ok I do I just for me I have...just (closes his eyes) alot of obligations...right now...outside of the Bait shop...so y'know Alex: ...ok Seth: ...ok (Alex walks away from the stairs and walks passed Seth. she pulls some money out of like a petty cash box) Alex: umm this is what I owe you for the week sooo (hands Seth the money) Seth: ok yeah well you know, it looks like it's...all there Alex: its ben really great working with you Seth: you too I mean...you've ben lovely so... Alex: see ya Seth: yeah, take care (Seth walks out and stands there thinking. Seth is outside, he stops just outside the entrance and almost turns back then continues walking. he gets a little further away and stops again, he looks towards the Bait shop then continues walking) CUT TO: Cohen backyard, it's now night - Sandy is on the phone still trying to get hold of Caleb Sandy: (on the phone) Caleb it's your lawyer leaving you yet another message, call me back will ya i've had a break through (Kirsten walks out from the side of the screen, Sandy hangs up) Kirsten: I was wondering what you wanted to do tonight (Sandy makes an 'I don't know' motion) are you ok Sandy: yeah sure, are the boys still here, we should get some picture before they head out to the big dance (Kirsten looks worried about Sandy) CUT TO: Cohen family room/living room - Seth is sitting on the couch watching a movie, Ryan is dressed for the dance Ryan: come on buddy get off your ass, come to the party Seth: thankyou Ryan but i'd like to just...sit here an watch my kungfu movie if you don't mind Ryan: well Marissa an I are only going as friends, we can all go together Seth: (closes his eyes) oooooh that is how lame i've become I cant even be third wheel to an actual relationship Ryan: awww (Sandy and Kirsten come in) Sandy: (to Ryan) whoa look at you, oh you look sharp (fixes Ryan's tie {aww}) (Ryan smiles) so you takin that girl that Seth was tellin me about Ryan: no, that didn't really work out Kirsten: Seth, why aren't you dressed (Seth looks frustrated) Sandy: yeah, your gonna be late for the party Ryan: not the Seth Cohen pity party Seth: could you guys maybe take this discussion elsewhere Samahung's? about to face off with his arch nemesis its kind of a big deal (Sandy looks at Kirsten, Kirsten looks at Sandy. you can tell they both have something in mind) Sandy: you know I-I kinda feel like kickin back with a good movie (Seth closes his eyes in disbelief) Kirsten: me too (Sandy sits on the left of Seth and puts his arm across the back, Kirsten sits on the right. Seth groans {lol}) Kirsten: so Seth: ugh (Ryan stands at the back of the couch directly behind Seth) Kirsten: what're we watching (Seth looks at Kirsten) Seth: eh- (sighs) th- (sighs) (gives in) (un happy) masters of martial arts Sandy: (points) this is masters'a martial arts Seth: yes Sandy: I hear this is wonderful (Seth closes his eyes, you can tell he's not enjoying the parental company {lol}) Kirsten: (frowns) why is that ninja smoking a cigarette Sandy: honey honey I-I I don't actually think that's a ninja, ninjas usually wear capes, right Kirsten: oooh so a ninjas like a super hero Seth: (had enough) mom dad you two enjoy (gets up) Ryan (steps over Sandy's legs) give me five minutes Sandy: wh-where you goin (Ryan smiles) come on back Ryan: nice work (Kirsten smiles, pleased) Sandy: never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child CUT TO: Marissa bedroom - Marissa and Summer are both there getting ready for the dance Summer: so, no SnO.C. for DJ Marissa: (laughs) with my mom an dad hosting, he'll just pick me up after, an then maybe Zach'll show an we can all go out Summer: I don't care if Zach shows, infact honestly I would rather go by myself (sits on Marissa's bed) Marissa: oh really Summer: (nods) mm-hmm Marissa: you would Summer: no Marissa: good because you're going with me an Ryan (picks up her bag) Summer: great, now i'm being dragged along like the homely cousin from Iowa (Marissa looks at her) well you know (knock at the door) at least I wont have'to deal with Cohen knowing that i'm going alone (they both walk to the door. Marissa opens it and we see Ryan, and of course Seth standing there. Seth is shocked when he sees Summer) Summer: OH - GOD (looks at Marissa) Seth: hello Summer (Summer walks between Ryan and Seth, and out of the room. Marissa does the same. Ryan follows Marissa then Seth looks in Marissa's room before turning around and following them) Seth: where's Zach [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The 4 of them driving in the car - it's just like old times. Ryan is driving, Marissa is next to him. Seth is behind Marissa and Summer is next to Seth. everyone is quiet Ryan: so just like old times huh Seth: seriously man four people an not one of us could get a real date...I guess we're gonna win the awards for biggest losers in Newport beach Summer: (smirks) you must win that award alot Seth: (looks at Summer) (fakes laughs) ooh i'm sorry, is Zach in here, is he hiding somewhere...Zach? ...Zachary (pretends to look {lol}) Summer: ok at least he didn't kiss two people right infront'a me (raises her eyebrows) Marissa: (turns around) who did that Summer: Seth's girlfriend, oh i'm sorry that's right she dumped you (Seth fake laughs) Marissa: she kissed two guys right infront of you Ryan: ...I think it was a guy an a girl Summer: what! (Marissa smiles) Seth: thanks for that buddy... Summer: wait she kissed another girl you did not (hits Seth) tell me that Seth: I- a gentleman never tells (Summer laughs) when his...girl kisses...a girl an a guy (Summer laughs again) Marissa: (sighs) it does kinda feel like old times (Ryan smiles/laughs) CUT TO: The SnO.C. - Marissa, Summer Ryan then Seth walk in. we see the results of Marissa's decorating and it's gorgeous. there are little penguins scattered around. faux snow on different parts of the decorations, and some things that look kind of like lit up snow flakes. the four walk through what looks like an ice tunnel and stop just outside it. we see tables, the dance floor and lots of people dancing and having a great time. Summer: oh my god Coop Marissa: (unsure) is it ok Summer: ok? it's beautiful! Ryan: I can't believe you did all this Seth: it reminds me of when Mr. Freeze attacked the Gotham society ball (Marissa and Summer look at him) which is a compliment Marissa: (nods) well i'm just glad people showed up...an there actually dancing! (she looks at Ryan) Ryan: you don't wanna... Marissa: dance? (smiles) sure, why not (grabs Ryan's hand and leads him to the dance floor) Ryan: ill see you later (Seth makes dance moves at Summer) Summer: don't even think about it (Summer walks off, Seth puts his hands out as if to say 'what' then walks off - we now see Marissa and Ryan on the dance floor together, Ryan has one hand on Marissa's waist and the other holding her hand. Marissa has one hand on his shoulder/around his neck and the other holding his hand, they are standing a little apart. not how we're use to seeing them) Ryan: (laughs) how bad do you wish DJ we're here right now Marissa: its ok (shrugs) ...just if it's not too weird, don't stand so far away...it looks like we're in the fifth grade Ryan: right... (Ryan moves in a little and Marissa puts her head closer to his shoulder. she touches his head with hers and smiles. they continue to dance. you can tell she is enjoying it. {they look soooo sweet, even though they are just friends. I felt like she was thinking the same thing I was, it's been too long! 127 to be precise ;)} - ok the camera pans and we see Julie walking around the dance floor. Julie smiles and walks over to Jimmy who is eating) Julie: (taps Jimmy) Jimmy look, see (points to Ryan and Marissa dancing together) Jimmy: mmm, yeah (swallows) she looks beautiful Julie: yes but more importantly she's with Ryan who right now lets face it...looks like prince charming (smiles) Jimmy: (looks at Julie) so your happy Julie: ooooh so happy...thankyou for coming (kisses Jimmy on the cheek) (Julie kisses him a little too long, and they have a 'moment') Guy: Jimmy hi Jimmy: ooh hey Julie: (smiles) hi (we pan back over to Marissa and Ryan for a second, they look much more comfortable with each other now) CUT TO: Cohen front door - Kirsten opens it and Caleb is standing there Kirsten: dad, Sandy didn't tell me you were coming over (Caleb kisses her on the cheek) Caleb: he said he had something that could save my hide, clearly he didn't share it with you Kirsten: no he actually respects things like attourney client priviledge (Sandy comes in) Sandy: yeah I said call me, not come over Caleb: I was in the neighbourhood (we see Caleb and Sandy walk out to the backyard) Caleb: so...what'a you got, what is this miraculous development Sandy: I spoke with Renee Wheeler today I know about the affair Caleb: what? Sandy: relax, she didn't give ya up, why didn't ya tell me Caleb: because the details of my personal life...have no bearing on this case Sandy: oh yes they do, the DA thinks you've ben payin off Renee Wheeler to get building permits Caleb: the DA's an idiot (moves away) Sandy: (follows) even if you were havin an affair with this woman...sixteen years is an awfully long time ta be payin someone alimony...unless there was a child Caleb: that is the most preposterous- Sandy: Caleb?, was there a child Caleb: ...we were together just a few months (Sandy is listening) Renee came to me...said she was pregnant, I set up a trust (through the kitchen window we see Kirsten looking out) it was a long time ago Sandy (we see Kirsten again) I made a mistake Sandy: well when you make a mistake...you really make a mistake (we see Kirsten inside now, not through the window. she puts a wine glass on the bench and pours wine into it - Sandy and Caleb are now out the front at Caleb's car) Sandy: first thing Monday morning you an Renee are gonna go to the judge an tell em everything Caleb: (in his car) I can't do that Sandy: (tries to get through to Caleb) your both lookin at jail time Caleb: i'm sorry Sandy, I can't (Caleb drives off and Sandy watches stunned) CUT TO: Zach driving in his car. he's listening to the radio Radio: hey this is KJHS? the Harbor school radio station coming to you live from the SnO.C winter dance and this song is for all you lonely hearts out there CUT TO: The SnO.C. - Summer is talking to a girl then the girl walks away and Seth comes up to her. he makes the most adorable 'puppy dog' face at her then motions to the dance floor, she doesn't budge so he does it again, this times she smiles. he again does the 'puppy dog face' at her Summer: (gives in) fine, but no talking (Seth has an expression that looks like he's proud of himself, so cute) CUT TO: Zach in the car again. he thinks for second then looks behind him before making an abrupt U turn which causes the car behind him to blast their horn. Zach is now going in the direct that he came from CUT TO: The SnO.C. - Ryan is standing by himself and Julie goes over to him Julie: Ryan (Ryan looks up) hi (kisses him on the cheek) (Ryan is thrown by this) uh you look so handsome Ryan: thanks... Julie: I know that you an I have had our differences in the past but now with you an Marissa back together Ryan: actually we- Julie: you know, with you gone this summer she got a little bit out of control but with the both of us looking out for her (to Marissa) hi sweetie, we were just talking about you (we see Marissa come up behind Ryan, Ryan turns around to face her) Ryan: well we don't wanna keep you from your hosting duties Julie: oh (Ryan and Marissa walk away, Julie smiles - Ryan and Marissa are now outside on what looks like a balcony) Marissa: she told you you were handsome Ryan: yeah (sighs) (loosens his tie) Marissa: a year ago she wanted'ta have me committed cause I was dating you Ryan: yeah an now somehow you've managed to find someone she hates even more Marissa: I know, can you imagine what she would've done if I brought DJ Ryan: kinda...which is...why i'm suprised you didn't, you usually don't pass up a chance to ruin your moms night Marissa: yeah but why put DJ through that, I jus told him to come after Ryan: so it's not because you're embarrassed Marissa: (looks at Ryan) I already told you, the winter ball it's...not his type'a thing Ryan: did he decide that or did you (Marissa looks at Ryan, then we see DJ's truck pull up in the parking lot below. he honks the horn. Marissa looks and smiles when she realises its DJ. DJ waves to her and smiles. Marissa smiles and waves back. Ryan looks towards DJ then Marissa, then begins to take his jacket off, he then loosens his tie more and takes it off. he holds both out to Marissa) Ryan: figure we're probably the same size Marissa: (smiles) (softly) thanks (runs away then turns back) oh hey you sure your gonna be ok Ryan: yeah actually there's...somethin I have'to do (Marissa nods and runs off - the next thing we see is DJ getting out of his truck, and Marissa coming up to him - we go back into the dance and Summer and Seth are dancing together {aww} they are dancing close, like how they use to when they were a couple. Seth has his hands linked around, resting on her lower back, and Summer has her arms around his neck. every now and then they make eye contact) Seth: ...can I talk yet Summer: ugh Seth: I just (Summer looks up at him) was curious...why Zach isn't here Summer: because...he was jealous I guess Seth: he was jealous, of what of uh...my good looks an charm...of my modesty Summer: of your big mouth (Seth smiles) he saw us talking an... Seth: when Summer: in the hallway...in the lounge... Seth: yeah Summer: before...during and after school (Seth sighs) (we see Zach walk on to the dance floor, he looks around for Summer and sees them dancing together) Seth: I mean we were jus talking Summer: I know Zach: hey guys (they both look over and see Zach and quickly let go of each other) Summer: Zach (Seth waves) you came (smiles) Zach: yeah, I thought you might still need a date (Summer looks at him) stupid huh Seth: Zach it's really not like that Zach: yeah (nods) it is...an I-I get it, you guys are just one'a those couples, even when you're not being a couple you'll always be a couple...your Joanie an Chachi...Luke an Leia Seth: Luke an...Leia were...brother an...sister (frowns) Zach: yeah well, may the force be with you (Zach turns around and leaves, Summer watches sad) CUT TO: Lindsay's house - Ryan rings the doorbell and waits. Lindsay opens the door and sees its Ryan, she smiles and pulls the door shut Ryan: hey, so (Lindsay takes her glasses off) I...was just in the neighbourhood um (looks down) (Ryan looks up at Lindsay then down again, we see why. she's wearing cute blue slippers with old man heads on them) Lindsay: oh uh (laughs) it-its Freud my uh slippers have Freud on them (Ryan smiles) there my...Freudian slippers (Ryan laughs) uh so...what're you doing here Ryan: I just wanted to tell you...that iiii should've gone to the dance with you, I wanted...ta go...with you Lindsay: that's why your here Ryan: and I was hoping we could you know do somethin, hang out (smiles) Lindsay: (smiles) um...uh...no, i'm sorry Ryan: (stunned) ok what about tomorrow night Lindsay: Ryan this just isn't gonna work Ryan: why not Lindsay: because your...your you Ryan: w-what'does that mean Lindsay: I mean (looks down) your this tough kid from Chino who...lives in some rich family's pool house...with an ex girlfriend who's maybe the most intimidatingly beautiful girl in the history of high school Ryan: yeah, but right now i'm here with you, I mean I will see you at school...in the hallway...in class and...i'm not givin up (Lindsay looks at him) cause I like you...who knows why but...I think that if you got to know me you'd like me too (Lindsay looks at him) so...night (Ryan turns around and walks to the car, Lindsay watches then goes inside. she shuts the door and looks out at Ryan through the glass panels, she turns around and leans against the door, you can tell she's struggling with what to do) CUT TO: Caleb's office - it's dark and Caleb is in there by himself. the camera pans to the door and we see a woman's hand knock. Caleb looks over and we see Renee come in Caleb: hello Renee, thankyou for agreeing to meet me here Renee: what's this all about Caleb (they both sit opposite each other) Caleb: I understand you had a run in with my son-in-law Renee: he came to see me but I didn't say anything Caleb: I know an I appreciate that...this must be tough on you...but we just have'to get through the next couple of weeks Renee: an then what? an then you go to jail...are you really willing to do that to protect the secret Caleb: it's not the secret i'm trying to protect, it's my family...this would devastate my daughter Renee: (looks at Caleb) an what about mine...ours Caleb: (sits forward) I could arrange for you both to leave the country (Renee scoffs) not permanently just until this blows over (Renee gets up) Caleb: what're you gonna do (Renee looks at Caleb, Caleb looks at her) Renee: I don't know anymore (Renee walks out and Caleb sits there, thinking) CUT TO: The Bait shop - Zach walks in on the top floor. he looks over the railing and we see Alex behind the bar on the bottom floor. the next thing we see is Zach walking away from the stairs down the bottom and over to the bar Zach: pretty quiet around here huh Alex: (smiles) yeah all the kiddies are at there various winter dances Zach: (smiles) you hoo please, one (Alex prepares his drink) Zach: you were at the Killers show here right Alex: uh I go to alot of shows here...cause I was work here Zach: no, yeah you were here with Ryan Alex: um yeah at the time, why you go to Harbor? (puts his drink down) why aren't you at the SnO.C. winter wank-off Zach: it's...complicated...or not...the girl I like is in love with another guy an probably always will be Alex: and uh right now your girl is at the dance with the other guy...and your here...well if she didn't love you before then this display of courage an dedication should definitely do the trick Zach: i'm sensing a low level of sarcasm here (smiles) (Alex smiles at him) what am I spose'to do Alex: (shrugs) be a man, put down your chocolate soda an fight for her Zach: i'm not really much of a fighter, I know I look big but it's just- I have broad shoulders Alex: (leans closer to him) no what I mean is that she can't fall for you, if your not there to catch her Zach: (thinks) your right, I at least threaten to fight for her an even if it turned into an actual fight I could take Seth Cohen (Alex looks at him) thanks (leaves) Alex: (to Mandy) did he just say Seth Cohen CUT TO: The SnO.C. - DJ and Marissa are dancing together. she has her arm around his neck, and their heads are touching (women are gossiping about them, saying stuff like looks it's the gardner - we see them dancing again. Julie sees and doesn't look happy, she begins to walk over to them and Jimmy grabs her arm) Jimmy: oooh no you don't Julie: Jimmy Jimmy: (pulls her) no Julie: let go Jimmy: come on your comin with me Julie: Jimmy I have to- Jimmy: what embarrass Marissa...don't you remember when we were kids, no one could keep us apart Julie: ok first of all it is not the same thing, second of all am I the gardner in this scenario, I think not Jimmy: my parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't break up with you Julie: (shocked) you never told me that Jimmy: didn't wanna hurt your feelings Julie: what'did you tell them Jimmy: I told them to go to hell, I told em I was in love with you...I was Julie: well...I was easy to love back then, I was...beautiful an...much nicer Jimmy: Jules, come on, your still beautiful...an we both know...you were never nice (Julie smiles, then Jimmy smiles. Julie leans forward and kisses him. Julie pulls back looks at Jimmy and they kiss again) CUT TO: Outside the SnO.C. - Summer is sitting on a bench by herself and Seth comes out, they look at each other. Summer sighs. Seth waves Summer: we said that we were gonna stay away from each other... Seth: yeah except...Ryan left with the car Summer: well I have'to wait for DJ an Marissa to finish making out so Seth: (nods) oh (Summer motions for him to sit, he walks over and sits in the middle then moves right to the opposite end) Seth: so it looks like we did really well for ourselves Summer: oh yeah very impressive Seth: yeah nice going Summer: right back at'cha (we hear the screeching sound of tyres then see a car pull up, Zach is driving it) Summer: (sees) Zach! (Zach gets out of the car and starts walking over) Seth: (stands) hey man ya came back listen I w- (Zach punches Seth in the face, Summer gasps. Seth falls on his back) Seth: ooh Summer: oh my god! (goes over to Seth) Seth: ooww Zach: oh my god Seth: oh my goodness Summer: (to Zach) god you hit him! Zach: (kneels down with them) I know I-I I don't know what happened i've never hit anybody before Seth: well you'd never know it Summer: god Zach: I-i'm so sorry Seth: (sighs) probably deserved it (Alex pulls up, and goes over to them) Alex: Seth Seth: Alex Zach: Alex? Summer: Alex... Seth: (sighs) what're you doin here Alex: I felt responsible for you (Summer and Zach look at her, then Seth) Alex: (to Summer) I can take it from here Summer: yeah I...I guess you can, come on Zach (grabs his arm) see you guys (stands) Zach: sorry Cohen (they walk away) Alex: come on, we have a first aid kit back at the club (Seth gives Alex his hand) Seth: in the storeroom perhaps Alex: do you wanna get hit again CUT TO: Inside the SnO.C. - Summer has an icepack wrapped in a tea towel and takes it to Zach Summer: (sits) (sighs) here Zach: (takes it) thanks (puts it on his hand) ...look...i'm really sorry...I-its just every time I turn around its you an Cohen Summer: I know...i'm sorry but...he's not my boyfriend, he's not he's just... (shrugs) he's Cohen Zach: so what am I Summer: well you were my boyfriend...till you decided not to take me to the dance Zach: (smiles) so can I ask you a question (Summer smiles) will you go to the dance with me Summer: (smiles) hmm let me think about it (they smile at each other {aww} CUT TO: The Bait shop - its dark and Alex walks in, Seth is already in there sitting down (you can barely see him) he sighs Alex: you sure you're ok Seth: i'm fine, its just (Alex sits next to him) a shame you got there when you did cause I was-I was about ready to y'know bring the-the hurt Alex: (laughs) really Seth: uh yeah, yeah, yeah you bet Alex: mm id like to see that Seth: yeah? little bit a (makes pansy fists) little bit'a that Alex: ah-huh no, what...are those Seth: these, these are fists ok Alex: ok (stands) Seth: or as I like to call em, the twin ambassadors of pain Alex: c'mere Seth: you- Alex: stand up Seth: (pulls him up by his fists) you're touching the twin ambassadors Alex: (grabs his fists) hold them like (laughs) like this, ok Seth: ok Alex: ok (starts hitting Seth on the arms) Seth: what're you...what're you doing Alex: i'm teaching you to defend yourself Seth: wh, against who, you! (Alex hits him again, she starts getting rougher) Seth: ok this is really fun thanks alright alright ok Alex: defend yourself! Seth: I...don't know how- (Alex hits him hard in the eye, and Seth grabs it. Alex puts her hand up to her mouth, shocked) Seth: ooww Alex: (laughs) i'm sorry oh my god are you ok Seth: god my eye I think you just scratched my cornea Alex: i'm sorry, no Seth: I can't see Alex: no way, no Seth: it's blurry Alex: put your hands down, let me see Seth: its blurry (Alex looks) Alex: what're you talking about its fine Seth: then why does it hurt Alex: um (kisses it better {aww}) ...there does that feel better Seth: a little...a little bit Alex: ...did I get you anywhere else Seth: you kinda nicked me right there a little bit (points to his lips) (Alex leans forward and kisses him, she pulls back and looks at him then they kiss again) CUT TO: The pool house - Ryan is lying on his bed reading and there is a knock at the door Ryan: come in (Ryan rolls over to look towards the door, Lindsay walks in. Ryan sits up, suprised) Lindsay: um...after you left...I tried to read (Ryan gets off the bed) and I-I do this thing where I put a red dot at the bottom of the page to see how efficiently i'm reading and sometimes ill have'to read a page two or three times (Ryan smiles) so there'll be...two or three (laughs) red dots um well...after you left iiii...made...eleven red dots at the bottom of the page (Ryan walks closer, smiling) eleven (laughs) Ryan: Lindsay Lindsay: i'm talking too much...as usual i'm sorry I-I just I get nervous then I start talking an then nothing can shut me up (Ryan leans forward and kisses her) Lindsay: ...except that, I guess (laughs) Ryan: I know something we can do that doesn't involve alotta talking (the camera pans and we see Ryan and Lindsay sitting in front of his bed playing the PSX) Ryan: alright throw the grenade, throw the- Lindsay: wait, wait, wait (we hear a crash) (laughs) wait what happened to my head Ryan: it rolled under the truck (Lindsay laughs) it's not good (Lindsay looks at Ryan then looks away, Ryan looks at her then looks away, Lindsay looks at him again) Lindsay: so this is h
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Rebekah (voiceover): My brothers and I are the first vampires in history, the Originals. Three hundred years ago, we called New Orleans home. Now, we've returned, drawn by a witch who seeks to use my brother Klaus' unborn child as leverage in a brewing war. But his quest for power has turned brother against brother, leaving our family more divided than ever. Now that Elijah has returned, can our family unite to face this new threat? MIKAELSON MANSION [Klaus and Elijah sit opposite each other in the living room, both reading. Klaus is reading "A Poison Tree" by William Blake, and Elijah is reading one of his mother's grimoires. A dead girl lays on the coffee table as they listen to classical music. After a moment, Rebekah enters] Rebekah: So, this is what you do the first time we're back together as a family? Vampire book club? Klaus: [continues reading] Reading edifies the mind, sister. Isn't that right, Elijah? Elijah: Yes, that's quite right, Niklaus. Rebekah: And what's this business? [gestures to the dead girl on the table] Elijah: This is a...[gestures as though he's searching for a word]...peace offering. Klaus: I presumed, after so much time desiccating in a coffin, that my big brother might be a bit peckish. Elijah: And I explained to my little brother, that forgiveness cannot be bought. I'd simply prefer to see a change in behavior that indicates contrition, and personal growth. [Klaus rolls his eyes guiltily, and Elijah gestures to the girl] Elijah: Not this nonsense. Klaus: Well, I couldn't very well let her go to waste, could I? [grins] Rebekah: Well, I suppose I'll go fetch the rubbish bin, because she's staining a two hundred-year-old carpet. [Elijah looks up from his book to see the girl bleeding out onto the table, where the blood drips onto the floor] Elijah: Ah, yes. Klaus (voiceover): [recites "A Poison Tree" by William Blake] I was angry with my friend: [Klaus looks at Elijah] I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: [Marcel walks into the Palace Royale Hotel, looking for Klaus] I told it not, my wrath did grow And I watered it in fears, [Cami brings flowers to her brother's grave, to find that someone spray painted "MURDERER" over the headstone] Night and morning with my tears; And I sunned it with smiles, [Father Kieran pulls wooden boards off the windows of the church, and waves to a group of men standing outside the door] And with soft deceitful wiles. And it grew both day and night, [Klaus looks at Elijah, and then to Hayley, who walks through the room, her hand on her pregnant belly] 'Til it bore an apple bright. And my foe beheld it shine. And he knew that it was mine, And into my garden stole [Klaus watches Elijah set down the grimoire and follow Hayley into the kitchen] When the night had veiled the pole; In the morning glad I see My foe outstretched beneath the tree. [In the kitchen, Elijah finds Hayley making herself breakfast, and rooting through the fridge. Elijah leans in the doorway] Elijah: [smiles] Good morning. Hayley: [smiles] Hey. [Rebekah enters through the back door, dragging a trashcan behind her] Hayley: Listen, I know I'm the only one in this house that actually drinks milk, but would it kill any of you to make sure it's on the grocery list? Rebekah: Speaking of, add bleach. [stomps through the kitchen and into the living room to clean up the mess] Elijah: [digs around in a cupboard as Hayley pulls ice cream out of the freezer] You know, I do hope my siblings were hospitable to you, in my absence. Hayley: In your absence, as you like to call it, which is a way-too-polite way of saying that your brother put a dagger in your heart...[looks up to see Elijah bringing a bowl, a spoon, and a bag of cereal to the counter] I have been attacked by French Quarter vampires, I've had to live in a house with a secret dungeon full of coffins, and I was nearly murdered by witches who are convinced my baby is Lucifer. [Elijah smiles sympathetically as he pulls orange juice and milk out of the fridge, pours Hayley a bowl of cereal, and then fills it with milk] Hayley: [notices the milk] Oh...milk. [beat] They've been fine. Your siblings are weirdly protective, I know I have you to thank for that. Elijah: I'm just happy to see that you're in one piece. [smiles] So, back to the murderous witches. [hands her the bowl of cereal] I have some concerns. Hayley: They're evil. And, my life is still magically linked to Sophie Deveraux, which is not comforting. Elijah: Yes, I think it's time we took care of that little problem. Rebekah: I am all for it. As soon as they're unlinked, we get to leave this crap town. [drags the dead girl's body across the kitchen floor] Who do we have to kill? Elijah: [thinking] Probably no one. [Hayley looks at him questioningly] Elijah: Alright, potentially everyone. [turns to leave] TITLE AND OPENING CREDITS ROUSSEAU'S [Sophie chops up vegetables and talks to Sabine, who is sitting on one of the tables] Sophie: [gestures to table and makes a face] I cook on that, you know! Sabine: Don't get cranky with me! I'm the only witch who still likes you. Sophie: [stirs gumbo] Yeah, it's not like I'm trying to save the witch heritage or anything. [turns to Sabine] Sabine: They'll come around. They're just old-school, and scared. Sophie: Scared of what? Your prophecy about the hybrid baby? Agnes and her freak-show minions had a real field day with that one. Sabine: I can't help what I see, Soph. [shakes head] Sophie: [smiles] Well, if you're psychic, I'm Martha Stewart! [walks toward table to grab some celery] Scootch! [Sophie returns to her table, and Sabine hops down to join her. She sees a shadow in her peripheral vision and gets suspicious. Suddenly, two people in black masks come out] Sabine: What the...? [One of the masked people backhands Sabine across the face, and she as she falls, she hits her head on the table and falls unconsious. Sophie tries to fight the other two masked people off, but they blow some powder in her face that makes her pass out as well] MIKAELSON MANSION [Rebekah scrubs at the bloodstains in the carpet as Klaus continues to read "A Poison Tree."] Rebekah: Poetry about poisoned apples from dead trees. Looks like someone's worried about impending daddyhood. Klaus: [shakes head] Nonsense. Elijah's back. In his presence, all problems turn to pixie-dust and float away! [Rebekah side-eyes him and grins, and Klaus grins back. Elijah joins them in the living room] Elijah: Strange, I don't recall any pixie-dust from the darkness of the coffin I was recently forced to endure. [Elijah opens Esther's grimoire and flips through it] Rebekah: What are you doing with Mother's spellbook? Elijah: Well, in exchange for my freedom, I promised the witch Davina that I would share a few pages from Mother's grimoire. To help her learn to control her magic. I thought we'd begin with a little unlinking spell. [Rebekah and Klaus look at each other in confusion] Rebekah: [stunned] Wait, you want to use her to unlink Hayley from Sophie Deveraux? Elijah: Sophie brought us here under false pretenses! She doesn't just want us to take down Marcel and his minions, she wants to take Davina back. So, she yolked her own cause to ours, with magic threats and half-truths! Well, no more. As of now, our deal with Sophie Deveraux is null and void. [Klaus and Rebekah grin] Elijah: Niklaus, I need you to come with me. I need five minutes alone with Davina, you need to make certain that I am not interrupted. [points to Rebekah and thinks for a moment] You stay here and watch Hayley. Rebekah: How did I get elected super-nanny? Klaus: More importantly, who put him in charge? [follows Elijah out of the room] NIGHTWALKER BAR [Marcel sits alone, drinking a bottle of scotch, as various vampires around him feed on humans at the tables around him. Josh sees Marcel, and approaches him] Josh: Hey. Is everything okay? [Marcel gives him a look] Josh: Uh, can I get you something? Marcel: Look, I know you want a daylight ring, kid. Little heads up? I got guys eighty years ahead of you. Josh: [nods nervously] Noted. Sorry. Marcel: [watches him walk away] Wait! You know Klaus Mikaelson. I asked you to give him a lift home a couple of times? To the Palace Royale Hotel, right? Josh: [stammers] Uhhh, yeah...the Palace Royale. Marcel: See, I stopped by his hotel, to say sorry about an argument we had. Turns out he lied about living there. Lied! Do you ever hear the phrase, "Uneasy is the head that wears the crown?" Josh: Uhhh...Lord of the Rings? Marcel: No, Shakespeare. When I was a kid, Klaus taught me how to read with those plays. All about a king who gained the world, but lost his soul. But now, I get it! You see, when it's all said and done, and you look around at the empire you built, the only thing that matters is who you can trust! Josh: There's gotta be somebody, somewhere that you can trust? "To stick to you, through thick and thin, to the bitter end." Sam and Frodo, The Fellowship of the Ring. [shrugs] Marcel: [nods slowly] Yeah, there is someone. We used to be best friends. [pats Josh on the arm as he leaves] DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM Davina is sketching with charcoal on her easel when Elijah arrives and leans against the doorway and knocks on the door. Davina smiles] Elijah: [holds up pages of grimoire in a cloth] I made you a promise. Davina: [smiles] Come in! ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Cami sits in the confession room with Father Kieran] Cami: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been...oh, a year, since I've had a good conversation with you. Kieran: Camille. Cami: You've been avoiding me, Uncle K. Kieran: My favorite niece? Never! Cami: Don't lie. This is a church! [beat] Besides, I came about professional advice. [beat] About Sean. DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM [Davina spreads a page of Esther's grimoire on her table] Davina: It's a spell of unknotting? Elijah: This is a sanguinum knot. The witches use it as representational magic. If you can unknot this using that spell, you will have taken a step towards learning control. This is one of my mother's later spells. It requires much more power than you realize. Now, if you can perform this, then I shall return with another page. [walks toward the door, then turns back to her] A spell of your choosing, next time. [smiles, then leaves] ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Cami and Father Kieran are still in the confessional] Cami: I guess since I'm a masochist, I went by Sean's grave today and-- Kieran: Damn it, I was hoping to get that cleaned up before you saw it. I hope it didn't upset you too much. Cami: It didn't bother me at all. That's the problem. That's why I'm here. I slept like a baby every night this week. Even though my brother hacked nine priests to death, not two feet from this confessional. [beat] A guy I've been seeing, Marcel, has been blowing me off. Whatever, I've been on two dates with the guy, and I'm more upset about THAT than seeing "MURDERER" scrawled across my brother's grave. Kieran: [hesitates] It's called healing, Cami. Cami: For months, after the massacre, I couldn't think of anything else. And then suddenly...nothing. I need to feel that pain! Without it, I feel...broken! Empty! Like, there's someone to blame...and...I'm letting them get away with it. Kieran: Listen, if you have found a way to turn it off, don't question it! The only person that is responsible for Sean's behavior is...Sean. Cami: Do you really believe that? Kieran: Yes. I do. [Cami stares at her uncle through the screen for a moment, before she gets up and walks out of the church. Kieran sighs. Up in the balcony, Klaus watches Cami leave, and frowns] LAFAYETTE CEMETERY MAUSOLEUM [Sophie is awake now, and struggling against the grips of the masked people who knocked her out. The masked people shackle Sophie to chains hanging from the ceiling] Sophie: Let go of me! [Agnes enters with a bag and sets it on a table] Agnes: Leave her be. Sophie: Killing me to get to Klaus, or his baby is not the answer! Agnes: [roots through her bag] I'm not gonna kill you Sophie, I was there the day you were born. I am the last remaining Elder of our coven. It is my duty to protect our power, and our power means nothing if that baby grows another day. [turns to face Sophie] Sabine's omen was clear. That baby will bring death to us all. Sophie: [scared] What are you gonna do? [Agnes holds up a large, old-looking metal syringe with a long needle] Sophie: [terrified] No, no, Agnes, no. No, no, don't! [Agnes holds Sophie's head down and stabs the needle into her neck] MIKAELSON MANSION [In her bedroom, Hayley yells in pain as she grasps her neck. When she pulls her hand away, she notices blood on her fingers. Rebekah hears her shout, and walks in] Hayley: AHH! Rebekah: What the hell was that? Hayley: Hell if I know, it felt like I was being stabbed. [Hayley and Rebekah get a dawning realization that something bad is happening] ROUSSEAU'S [Elijah and Klaus find Sabine on the floor of the kitchen and Elijah helps her up] Elijah: [gruffly] What happened? Sabine: It was Agnes. [rubs head as she looks around] Her men took Sophie. Klaus: Day one with you in charge, brother, and already the witch linked to Hayley has been abducted by zealots. Elijah: [to Sabine] Where is she? Sabine: If I tell you where Agnes is, you'll just kill her. Klaus: Isn't that obvious? Sabine: Look, I know she's a little...coo-coo, but she's our last living Elder. That might not mean a lot to you, but it means plenty to us. The Elders are the one ones who can do important spells. Elijah: Like completing the Harvest ritual? Sabine: [confused] You know about that? Elijah: Oh, you'd be astounded by the things I know. Klaus: [to Sabine] Allow me to entertain you with today's list of priorities. One, unlink your friend Sophie so she no longer controls the fate of the woman carrying my child. Two, convince my brother to accept my heartfelt apologies for some recently dodgy behavior. Three...there is no three. Elijah: I believe what my brother is attempting to communicate, here, is that neither the life of this Elder, nor the Harvest ritual, nor your coven's connection to magic are of any relevance to him, whatsoever. [beat] Now talk. THE GARDEN [Marcel walks through the gate to the Garden, and approaches Thierry's "cell" amid the groans of pain of the other "inmates."] Marcel: Thierry. Thierry: [weak and groggy] Marcel. Come to punish me again? Marcel: Someone asked if there was anyone I ever trusted. I only came up with one name. You. So, Thierry, you and I are gonna have a little talk about Klaus Mikaelson. [grabs a sledgehammer and starts to break down the wall of bricks surrounding Thierry] MIKAELSON MANSION [Rebekah enters a room where Hayley is sitting in an armchair] Rebekah: Time for the demon spawn to snack! Hayley: I really wish you wouldn't call her that. Rebekah: Oh, sorry, have you picked another name yet? [holds out basket of fruit] Take one, the plantation's lousy with them. [Hayley chooses an apple and grasps it in her hand] Hayley: I feel fine...which is weird. I'm sure it's Sophie-related. Rebekah: Then, do me a favor, and don't die on my watch! I'll never hear the end of it. Hayley: You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a real bitch. Rebekah: [smiles] What changed your mind? Hayley: Oh, I still think you're a bitch! [smiles] I've just grown to like that about you. Rebekah: [chuckles] Aw, well, that's sweet of you to say. [face turns serious] Remember it when I'm gone. Hayley: Gone? Where are you going? Rebekah: I only came to town to make sure everything was okay with Elijah. He's fine, and he hasn't punished Klaus for daggering him, so...as usual, they'll be thick as thieves, and I'll be left to clean up the mess. [beat] It's time for me to fly the coop. Hayley: Oh...[goes to bite the apple, but then starts to feel woozy] Rebekah: [frowns] What's wrong? Hayley: [shakes head] I dunno, probably morning sickness... Rebekah: [places hand on Hayley's forehead] Oh, you're burning up, actually. LAFAYETTE CEMETERY [Klaus and Elijah have found Sophie, and they break Sophie free from her chains] Sophie: [groans in pain as shackles break] Agnes stuck me with a needle. Cursed objects were created a long time ago. We use them so we don't get busted by Marcel for doing magic. The one she used is called the Needle of Sorrows. It was cursed in 1860 when... Klaus: Jump ahead a few decades and tell us what it does, love? Sophie: It has only one purpose: to kill a child in utero by raising her blood temperature. [Klaus and Elijah are both stunned and furious] Elijah: It's for a miscarriage. [Sophie nods] Elijah: So, how much time do we have to fix this? Sophie: It will do what it's meant to by tonight's high tide. And believe me, it will work. I saw her use a similar object on a kid who went mad and killed a bunch of priests. Klaus: I'd like to have a chat with this Agnes. Where can I find her? Sophie: You won't! There are a thousand places she could hole up to wait it out. Elijah: That's precisely why we need to unlink you from Hayley. No more danger toward her or the child. Sophie: [shakes head in confusion] No, what? If I am not linked to Hayley, I lose my leverage on you. We had a deal! Elijah: We are not on the same side, Sophie Deveraux. Our deal no longer stands! [Sophie is outraged] [SCENE_BREAK] THE GARDEN [Marcel hands Thierry, who is sitting on a step, a canteen of blood, and sits down beside him] Thierry: Does this mean you're pardoning me? Marcel: Aw, you know I can't do that. You broke my number one rule, you killed a vampire, T. I let that go, it'll make me look weak. Thierry: [chugs blood] I warned you about Klaus. Marcel: Yeah, I should've listened. This guy's been in my town for months, but hiding where he lays his head at night. What else is he hiding, is what I want to know! I didn't listen to you before, but I sure as hell am now. Tell me what happened the night that got you put in here, and you might find yourself out by Mardi Gras. Thierry: The night of the Masquerade Party, you sent us rousting in the Cauldron to mess with the witches. So, when Max came in rousting, he went straight for Katie's throat. Now, you said to roust, you didn't say to kill. Now, he's a nightwalker. I'm a daywalker. I told him to stop, and he wouldn't. So I stopped him. That night's on endless loop in my head. I think Max was compelled. Marcel: No. All my guys are on vervain. Thierry: Not if Klaus drained him! Max went missing for a couple days before the rousting, right? Marcel: T, they found stuff you and your girl stole from me in her shop. Thierry: Have you ever been in the Jardin Gris? You can't find your own hand in front of your face in there! And yet somehow, someone went in there, and after a couple minutes, found some stolen goods? [Marcel wipes at his face anxiously, but he is obviously considering Thierry's words] Thierry: Go there! See for yourself! But I'm telling you, besides Max, somebody else in the crew had to be compelled. Watch your back. [takes another swig from the canteen] ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Father Kieran has put up a "Substance Abuse Anonymous" sign in order to meet with some city officials] Mayor: So, a few tourists go missing. Okay, we can spin it, no problem. But do you know how hard it is to sell a gas leak story to the city council when a bunch of church windows magically explode? Father Kieran: Mr. Mayor, what is this, an electoral debate? Marcel overstepped, I will handle it. [Klaus enters through front doors] Klaus: Easier said than done. Marcel is quite the little warrior. [Police officer tries to stop him, but Klaus breaks his fingers] Mayor: Who the hell are you? Klaus: My name is Klaus. And you lot are the Faction. Pillars of the community who maintain the city's supernatural balance. Well, I should know. I created this group. Only, in my day, it was a bunch of pirates and corrupt politicians. [looks around at all the men] Looks like nothing's changed. Kieran: One thing has: it's exclusively human now. No vampires allowed, especially no Originals. Klaus: [laughs] I haven't come to join! I've come to ask this group to utilize it's considerable resources to find a witch Elder called Agnes. All I need is an address. Kieran: And, uh, why would we want to help you? Klaus: What if I told you that Agnes was the answer to a question you've been asking since you ran screaming from this town? That she is the witch who hexed your nephew, Sean? Kieran: We'd need some time to discuss-- Klaus: I DON'T. HAVE. TIME. [Kieran chuckles] Klaus: Nor do I like being asked to wait. Kieran: You may have all the vampires in this town cowering in fear, but right now, you are dealing with the humans. And unless you plan on killing all of us, I politely suggest you do as I say, and give us time to discuss it. [gestures widely to the other men in the room] Klaus: [leans in and lowers voice] You know what I like about you, Father? Is you're aware of our reputation, and yet still, you stand tall against me. [beat] Admirable! You have one hour. [turns to leave] Kieran: [speaks once Klaus is gone] I want that witch. Cell phone records, our guys in the 9th. Mayor: For the vampire? Kieran: [sighs] No. For me. DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM [Davina continues to work on the unlinking spell Elijah gave her. She holds her hands over the knot and reads from the page] Davina: Phesmatos omnio legares coldate sangorium. [Davina stares at the knot, which doesn't change. She exhales in frustration and runs her hand through her hair before angrily hitting her easel] MIKAELSON MANSION [Hayley lays in bed as Rebekah blots sweat from her forehead and chest] Rebekah: Stop fussing, will you? Elijah will be here any minute. Hayley: I feel like I've been microwaved. Rebekah: Hey! Just because you're carrying a baby, doesn't mean you get to act like one! I'm sure my little niece is healing you up as we speak. [Elijah runs in with Sophie. Rebekah stands to greet them] Rebekah: What the hell is she doing here? Sophie: [sighs] I'm trying to help. Rebekah: Help? You're the reason we're in this bloody mess! Why aren't we unlinked with this witch already, Elijah? Elijah: Rebekah, let her do what she can. Sophie: I may know a way to slow the fever down. But, I'm gonna need some special herbs. [to Rebekah] I'll text you a list. [Elijah nods at her in encouragement, and she finally relents] Rebekah: [smiles patronizingly] Fine. Happy to play the fetch girl. [Rebekah stomps out of the room, and shoves the towel she was using into Elijah's chest as she leaves] JARDIN GRIN VOODOO SHOP [Rebekah frantically rifles through bottles and jars, looking for the herbs she needs to help Hayley, when Marcel walks in] Marcel: Isn't this Katie's shop? [Rebekah stops, rolls her eyes, and sighs as she goes back to looking for the herbs] Marcel: She leave you the keys in her will, or maybe it's just Help-Yourself Tuesday? [beat] What are you doing here? Rebekah: You know, I read if you mix mugwort with sage, you've got quite a vampire-repellant? Wards off even the most resilient pest. Why are you here? Marcel: Just keeping my city safe from thieves and vandals. But, everytime I turn around, I catch an Original with their hand in the cookie jar! Rebekah: Well, luckily for you, your "cookies" are the last thing on my mind. Marcel: Oh, I can see that! [walks toward her] Though, I can think of a time when things were different. Rebekah: Maybe once. Not anymore. [finds the herbs she needs] Camphor, found it! [quickly exits the shop] ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Father Kieran receives a text message from Chief Sullivan that reads, "3631 CHARBONNET ST. LOWER 9TH WARD." He puts his phone in his pocket and goes to leave, but he's stopped by Klaus] Klaus: Going somewhere? Father Kieran: [nervously] You're early. Klaus: Well, it's a good thing I am. You seem hell-bent on enacting vengeance all on your lonesome. The trouble is, I need something from Agnes before you send her off to meet her maker. So, I propose we strike a deal! [sits down in a pew] Bring her here! In exchange, I'll even ensure your niece, Cami, remains safe. Oh, I'd so hate for her to get caught up in all of this. [Later, Agnes is handcuffed and brought to the church by police officers] Agnes: This is outrageous! What is the charge? [The officers sit her in a pew and leave] Kieran: Please, Agnes. You know that Marcel runs the vampires in this town. [He is handed a folded cloth by the officer, which is revealed to hold the Needle of Sorrows] Kieran: Who do you think runs everything else? [holds the needle up and calls out to Klaus] I believe this is what you were looking for? Klaus: [zooms to Kieran's side] Hello, Agnes. Agnes: You made a deal with HIM? Kieran: After what you did to Sean, I'd deal with the devil himself just to make you suffer! Agnes: [stands up and gets in Kieran's face] You can't hurt me, the entire witch community will turn against you! Klaus: ENOUGH! Please, enough! I don't care about witch politics. I don't care about your ridiculous little Harvest ritual. What I care about is this trinket. [holds up Needle of Sorrows] Undo its curse, or I'll show you things worse than death! Agnes: [smirks] Dark objects don't come with an off-switch! The curse took root in Sophie, she's linked to your devil child. It's just a matter of time! MIKAELSON MANSION [Hayley is wrapped in a towel, sitting outside beside the swimming pool. Rebekah stands behind her, checking her temperature, while Elijah assists Sophie in helping with the herbs] Elijah: [removes his coat] She's burning up! We need to do this now. Sophie: Get her in the water! [Elijah jumps into the pool and helps Hayley in. Sophie mixes herbs in a cup and follows them in] Rebekah: I don't see how a midnight swim is supposed to help. Sophie: Her temperature is sky-high. The water, with the help of the herbs, should cool us down. [gets into the pool and hands Hayley a drink] Drink this! [to Elijah] You're going to have to get her heart rate down. Elijah: How do you suggest I do that? Sophie: Hold her. It's a natural human remedy to slow the heart rate and reduce blood pressure. Rebekah: This is never gonna work. Elijah: [holding Hayley bridal-style in the pool] Davina will break the link, we just need time. [Hayley clings to Elijah and groans as she gasps for breath] DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM / MIKAELSON MANSION SWIMMING POOL [Davina is sitting on her bed, studying the spell intently. She stares at the sanguinum knot on her vanity, and after a moment, she stands up and walks over to it. She picks up the knot with both hands and takes a breath] Davina: [whispers] Phesmatos omnio legares cardate... [In the swimming pool, Hayley hyperventilates] Hayley: I can't breathe! Elijah: Okay, long deep breaths, Hayley! Look at me. Long deep breaths, just focus on the sound of my voice. [whispers] You'll be okay. You'll be okay. Davina: Phesmatos omnio legares cardate sangorium. [The clock on her table chimes as it hits 09:00PM] Hayley: AHHHH! AHHHH! [The knot in Davina's hands floats in the air and begins to unknot itself] [Sophie starts to gasp as the linking spell begins to lift. Hayley continues to groan in pain] [The knot completely unravels itself in midair, and Davina smiles and giggles in happiness] Sophie: [looks up at the sky] I just felt it lift. [Rebekah sighs in relief. Hayley starts to calm down, and Elijah looks stunned. Hayley stands up on her own, but still leans against Elijah. Sophie removes one of her earrings and pokes her palm with it. Hayley doesn't get injured. Elijah holds her hand and he and Hayley stare at each other. Rebekah notices their shared moment, so Elijah quickly lets go and leads Hayley out of the pool] Elijah: Come on, let's go. Sophie: Elijah...as soon as your brother finds out that the link is broken, he'll kill Agnes. I know you don't owe me anything, but please, don't let him kill her. [Elijah zooms out of the pool and pulls his phone out of his jacket on the table] Sophie: Elijah! She's our only access to the power we NEED to survive. Promise me that you'll stop him! Elijah: [dials a number into his phone and raises it to his ear] It's me, where are you? [beat] Don't hurt her. I'll be there shortly. [hangs up and turns to Sophie] I'll make you one last promise. I won't let my brother kill Agnes. [Sophie nods at him, and Elijah picks up his jacket and shoes and walks away. Sophie and Hayley turn to get out of the pool, but Hayley stops Sophie at the steps] Hayley: I know you were just using me to save your people, but try it again, and I'll kill you. [Hayley leaves, and Sophie sighs in defeat] MIKAELSON MANSION [Rebekah walks into Elijah's bedroom as he's finishing getting dressed in dry clothes, and stands in the doorway] Rebekah: [smiles] The unlinking worked! Maybe now we can make plans-- Elijah: Not now, Rebekah. Can we discuss this when I return? [walks toward the door in a hurry] Rebekah: [face turns serious] I won't be here when you return. Elijah: [stops walking and turns to Rebekah] That sounds like a goodbye. Rebekah: ...I guess it is. I only came to New Orleans to make sure you were safe. You are. I thought that I might be able to convince you to come with me, but here you are, rushing into whatever Klaus and Marcel and the witches have cooked up. And I finally get it. [tears up] You'll never leave this city. You'll never leave Klaus. Elijah: [looks at her, and then walks toward her] Then you should stay. Rebekah: [shakes head] This thing that you and Klaus and Marcel have, I want no part of it. [tears fall down her cheeks] I just want to be free. Elijah: [sadly] Well, then, go. [kisses her on the cheek] You are free! [Elijah leaves, and Rebekah tries to compose herself] THE ABBATOIR [Marcel finishes his drink as Rebekah walks into the room] Marcel: Rebekah. Twice in one night. To what do I owe the pleasure? Rebekah: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe farewells are best in person. Marcel: [inhales sharply] You got Elijah back, and now you two are gonna tuck-tail and run? Smart girl. [beat] Have a nice life. Rebekah: He's staying. And I'm not running, I'm disembarking a sinking ship. Marcel: People have been saying this city's been sinking since I was a boy. It ain't going anywhere. But hey! [grabs bottle of scotch] How 'bout one for the road? [pours a glass] Rebekah: Why? So you can liquor me up and convince me to stay? Marcel: [stands up and gets in her face] Why else did you come here? Rebekah: I came to say goodbye. Marcel: [whispers in her ear] Then say it. [The stare into each other's eyes for a moment] Rebekah: Forget it. [She turns to leave, but Marcel grabs her wrist and pulls him toward her, kissing her. She pushes him away and glares at him for a moment, but then runs up to him and starts kissing him. He pushes her away and they start to undress as they make out. Rebekah shoves him onto a chair and sits on his lap as they start to have s*x] ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Klaus, Agnes, and Father Kieran are still arguing] Klaus: You're a piece of work, Agnes. But, guess what? I'm quite a piece of work myself. You know, I contemplated leaving bits of you artfully arranged outside your family's tomb? I thought it would leave a fitting message. [zooms over to Agnes and pulls her up into a chokehold] Don't. Touch. My. Family. [Elijah enters and approaches them] Elijah: Leave her. [Klaus pulls Agnes into a headlock and stands back as he watches Elijah walk down the aisle] Elijah: I gave my word. [Father Kieran stands up to greet Elijah] Klaus: You tend to give your word at the most inopportune times, brother. We've been doing things your way all day. Come on! Just one little snap and it's "Toodle-loo, Agnes." She deserves it! Elijah: Niklaus, don't make another move. You have asked for my forgiveness. I will grant you that forgiveness, but do not make me break my word. [Klaus glares at his brother as he considers it. After a moment, he lets Agnes go] Klaus: [opens arms wide] My noble brother, how was that for personal growth, eh? Still, it is just like you to spoil all of my fun. Elijah: [stares Agnes in the eyes] Oh, not exactly. [Elijah zooms over to one of the men who helped Agnes and rips his heart out, throws a second man up into the air, and does the same to a third as he rips out the man's heart. He turns to Klaus with a bloody heart in each hand, and drops them to the floor. He pulls out his pocket square to wipe his hands as Agnes stares in horror, and Klaus grins proudly behind her] Elijah: Now, I swore you would not die by my brother's hand. I said nothing of my own. [grabs Agnes in a chokehold and pushes her backwards] Nobody hurts my family and lives. [snaps her neck, and turns to leave] No one. THE ABBATOIR [Rebekah leans on the balcony railing and looks at the people on the street, wearing Marcel's button-up shirt. He comes up behind her and nuzzles at her neck] Rebekah: Mmm. I've been away from this home almost a hundred years, and you haven't changed a thing in my bedroom. Marcel: [smiles] I guess I was holding out hope that you'd come back to it. Though, I imagine it's not quite as comfortable as those beds at the Palace Royale Hotel. Rebekah: [smiles awkwardly] It's plenty comfortable! [turns to her bag] I'm famished! [She pulls an apple out of her bag and offers it to him] Marcel: Nah, apples aren't my thing. Rebekah: They were your favorite, one upon a time. Marcel, Ah, they were! I'd get my ass beat if I ever ate them working on that plantation. Even the spoiled ones. Now, they just remind me of a time when I couldn't have things. Rebekah: [leans against Marcel and grabs his arms] Well, now you can have whatever you want. [beat] Come with me. Marcel: And go where, Rebekah? Rebekah: Wherever we want to! We can build a home together, we can leave behind Klaus, this city, and those Orphan-Annie vampires... Marcel: Whoa, whoa, those "Orphan-Annie vampires" are my family, and this city is my home. Rebekah: It was my home, too, once. I left. Marcel: You ran. I stayed! This empire thrives because of me, and you want me to run? A man does not run from his home! Rebekah: I've lived a lot longer than you have, Marcellus. I have seen kings rise, and fall, but there is one thing I know to be true. It is that no matter how matter how big your empire becomes, it is nothing if you have no one to share it with. [she glares at him] You want New Orleans? Have it. I won't be here to stop you. [shoves the apple into his chest and leaves] [Marcel stares out at the street as he thinks about what just happened. It looks at the apple, and brings it to his nose to smell it] MIKAELSON MANSION [Josh has stopped by to find Klaus. Hayley answers the door] Josh: Where is he? I've been trying to find him all day. Marcel KNOWS that Klaus lied to him about where he lives. Hayley: I'm not his damn keeper, Josh. Josh: Fine! Just...tell him to call me, please. Hayley: Okay. [shuts door] [Josh walks away from the house, not knowing that Marcel is standing behind the tree, and has heard the entire conversation. Marcel sees a bunch of apples that have fallen from the apple tree and onto the ground. He picks one up, and we flashback to when Marcel was just a young boy, and was being whipped by a slavemaster. Young Marcel picks up an apple and lobs it at the man in anger. Marcel looks at the apple in his hand, and then looks over at the door] [Someone knocks on the door again. Hayley goes to answer, thinking it's Josh again, but it's Marcel] Hayley: Ugh, what the hell, Josh? [opens door to find Marcel and is startled] Marcel: [smiles] Hi there, I'm Marcel. I don't think we've met! [Hayley looks scared and angry] ROUSSEAU'S BAR [Cami is cleaning up at the bar when Klaus comes in to see her] Cami: What are you doing here? Klaus: Do you remember the promise I made you? Cami: Promise? No. [looks at Klaus, and his compulsion kicks in] Yes. You promised you'd find out what happened to Sean. Klaus: And I kept my word. Your twin brother's behavior was not born of natural causes. A witch hexed him to commit those murders, and kill himself. Cami: I knew it. I knew he wasn't crazy. Who is this witch? Klaus: Well, you needn't trouble yourself over her. She's already paid for her actions in blood. Cami: Wait, what? You killed somebody? Klaus: Ah, well, I had a hand in the matter, yeah... [Cami slaps him in the face] Klaus: [frustrated] Forgive me if I'm a little surprised by your reaction-- Cami: How the hell am I supposed to react? You just made me culpable in a revenge murder I never asked for! Klaus: I've been alive for a thousand years, and I can assure you, many people have died for far less! Besides, now you can find comfort in the truth! [awkwardly pats her arm] Cami: [shrugs away from him angrily] The truth? You compel me, you make me at peace with something that should be tearing me up inside! I don't know how, but I WILL undo whatever the hell it is you've done to me! And when I do, you're gonna wish you'd never laid eyes on me! [Klaus stares at her sadly for a moment, and the zooms away. A few seconds pass, and Cami suddenly forgets everything that just happened, due to Klaus' compulsion. OUTSIDE ROUSSEAU'S [Outside, Klaus angrily stomps away from the bar, but Marcel catches up with him] Marcel: Hey, where you been? [Klaus stops walking, and rolls his eyes in annoyance before turning to Marcel] Marcel: Not still mad about our tiff the other night, are you? Klaus: [smiles fakely] Water under the bridge. Marcel: Cami's all yours if you're interested. I'm feeling like right now's not the right time to pursue a relationship. Life's all about timing, you know? Speaking of, I swung by your house earlier to commiserate over a drink, but I must have just missed you. Klaus: Oh, the Palace Royale didn't suit me, I moved on weeks ago. Marcel: [smiles and shakes his head] Nooo, I mean your other place. MIKAELSON MANSION [Elijah comes home to find the house empty.] Elijah: [looks around] Hayley? OUTSIDE ROUSSEAU'S Marcel: Interesting location to put down your roots, the same plantation where I was a slave. I guess that's why you never invited me over. Klaus: Well, how rude of me. I'll speak to Elijah. I'm sure he'll be pleased to host you and Davina for the evening! Especially after you were so hospitable to him. [smiles] Marcel: [smiles and chuckles] Good! I look forward to it. [He and Klaus continue to shake hands, but as soon as Marcel leaves, Klaus' smile disappears and begins to look worried] MIKAELSON MANSION / REBEKAH'S RED CONVERTIBLE [Elijah calls Rebekah from the house, as she is on her way out of town in her car] Rebekah: [on speakerphone] Goodbye means goodbye, Elijah. Elijah: [worried] Is she with you? Rebekah: What the hell are you talking about? Elijah: Hayley's gone, where is she? Rebekah: WHAT? [Klaus walks into Hayley's room anxiously and joins Elijah] Klaus: Marcel was here. [Elijah looks stunned, and absently drops the phone from his ear] Wiki
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Scene: A corridor at the University. Leonard: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the super collider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the Earth ending life as we know it. Raj: Psh, what a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory man. Leonard (looking at an orange notice on the noticeboard): Hey, check it out, the school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers. Raj: We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here? Leonard: I don't know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn't have a bulletin board. (Sees crowds in the corridor) What's going on? Howard: Shhh! Hot girl in Sheldon's office. Leonard: Sheldon's office? Is she lost? Howard: Don't think so. I followed her here from the parking lot. Leonard: Maybe she's his lawyer. Howard: Well she's free to examine my briefs. Leonard: Howard... Howard: I know, I'm disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. Girl: Well, that should do it. Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello. Leonard: Oh, hey buddy. Sheldon: Buddy. Howard: Sorry I'm late, I'm working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle. Sheldon: How can you be late, I wasn't expecting you at all. Howard: Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and... BAM! (shakes girl's hand) Howard Wolowitz. Leonard: Sheldon, are you going to introduce us? Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you've already met Howard. Missy: It's nice to meet you. Leonard: You too, swell, also. Howard: Yeah. Leonard: So, how do you two know each other. Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. Leonard: Excuse me? Sheldon: She's my twin sister, she thinks she's funny but frankly I've never been able to see it. Missy: It's because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly. Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer? Howard: Well, I think you're delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. Missy: Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and... I'm sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.) Sheldon: Rajesh. Credits sequence Scene: The same. Leonard: So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas? Howard: Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny. Missy: My friend's getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night. Howard: Destiny, thy name is Anaheim. Missy: And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad's estate. Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn't she. Missy: I guess that's why they call you a genius. Sheldon: They call me a genius because I'm a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I'm having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye. Leonard and Howard together: Woah, woah. Leonard: If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight? Missy: Oh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day. Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. Leonard: Look, you're here, we have plenty of room. Sheldon: No we don't. Howard: Come on, Shelly, she's family. Sheldon: So what? I don't issue invitations to your mother. Missy: Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour. Sheldon: And don't ever call me Shelly. Leonard: So it's settled. You'll stay with us. Howard: I'll walk you to your car. You're in structure 3 level C, right? Sheldon: What just happened? Scene: The apartment. Missy: So anyway, we're eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace. Leonard: Hee-hee, just classic. Sheldon: I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits. Missy: He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room. Sheldon: Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room. Missy: Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there's a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone. Howard: Ha-ha, not your eyebrows? Missy: Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on. Sheldon: Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical. Penny (knocking and entering, holding up a pair of superman undershorts.): Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs. Leonard: Those are not mine. Penny: Really, they have your little name label in them. Leonard: Yeah, no, I do, I use those... uh... just to polish up my... spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I'm not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny. Missy: Hi. Penny: Wow, you don't look that much alike. Howard: Can I get a hallelujah. Sheldon: Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings. Howard: Hallelujah. Raj (running in): Hey, guess what. I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness. Penny: Hey, good for you, Raj. Raj: Yes, I'm very hopeful. Hello Missy. (He waves his hand. It keeps waving.) They mentioned there may be side effects. Scene: The same, later. Raj: So, Missy. Have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India? Missy: Well, there's Dr Patel at our church. Raj: Ah yes, Dr Patel, good man. Howard: Do you like motorcycles, 'cos I ride a hog. Raj: A hog? You have a two cylinder scooter with a basket on the front. Howard: You still have to wear a helmet. Raj: Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra? Missy: The s*x book? Raj: The Indian s*x book. In other words if you wonder wonder who wrote the book of love, it was us. Penny (to Leonard): Hey, Sheldon's sister's pretty cute, I w.... Leonard: I wasn't staring! Penny: I didn't say you were, I just said she was cute. Leonard: Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall... and perfect. Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister? Sheldon: I'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you. Leonard: I brought snacks. Missy: Oh my! Gherkins and.... Leonard: Onion dip, it's onion dip. Missy: Oh. Leonard: We don't entertain much. Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas? Missy: I guess. Raj: We Indians invented them. You're welcome. Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You're welcome! Penny: Missy, I'm going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come? Missy: God yes. Thanks. Penny: You're welcome. Missy: Bye guys. Howard: Bye Missy. Leonard: Bye Missy, see you. Penny: Goodbye Leonard! Leonard: Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny. Howard: Okay, you two have to back off. Raj: Why should I back off, you back off dude. Leonard: Excuse me, this is my apartment and she's my roommate's sister. Howard: So what, you've already got Penny. Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny? Howard: So I can have Penny? Leonard: Hell, no! Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I'm ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? Leonard: Sheldon, can I talk to you in private? Sheldon: I guess. Don't worry, I was going to order you cheeseless. Leonard: Thank you. Sheldon: That's okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about. Howard: I'm a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas! Raj: Hey, look at me, I don't have a foreskin. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Leonard: Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman? Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It's noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence. Leonard: That's fascinating, but I... Sheldon: I didn't say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy. Leonard: Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz... they're hitting on your sister. Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don't want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we'd be a lot further along in this conversation if you'd begun with that thought. Leonard: That's great, but I.... Sheldon: What I'm saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis. Leonard: Whatever. You have to do something about it. Sheldon: Why? Leonard: Because she's your sister. Sheldon: I don't understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we've pretty much gone our own separate ways. Leonard: Okay, uh.... oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate. Sheldon: I hadn't considered that. We do share DNA. Leonard: Uh-huh. Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. Leonard: Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister's future offspring. Sheldon: You're right. If someone wants to get at Missy's fallopian tubes, they'll have to go through me. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The living room. Raj and Howard are on the floor, fighting. Raj: I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman! Howard: I'm warning you, I was judo champion at math camp. Sheldon: Alright, that's enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I'm going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister. Howard: Who are you to decide that? Leonard: He's the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes. Sheldon: You're out too, by the way. Leonard: Say what? Sheldon: It's nothing personal, I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie. Howard (to Raj, who is smiling): What are you so happy about? Raj: I'm not happy, it's the medication, I can't stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.) Sheldon: Now that Leonard's made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister. Howard: Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that? Leonard: We all make mistakes, let's move on. Raj: Excuse me, but I think you're missing a big opportunity here. Sheldon: How so? Raj: Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte. Sheldon: In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite s*x. Raj (waving finger at him): I think you're focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.) Howard: Is it 'cause I'm Jewish, 'cause I'd kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister. Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you're a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. Leonard: Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable. Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. Missy (who has just entered): Oh really? Sheldon: Oops. Missy: Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone? Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me. Leonard (to Penny who is standing next to him grinning): We all make mistakes, let's move on. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Missy: Okay. I'm not even going to ask why you're pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with? Sheldon: Truthfully, I've never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential. Missy: What on earth are you talking about? Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I'm a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. Missy: And what do you mean, mediocre stock? Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. Missy: Sheldon 2.0? Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you're not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced. Missy: You have got to be kidding me! Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. Missy: Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I've lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God's special little people. Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that's where the metaphor ended. Missy: I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.) Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal. Missy: Go on. Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins. Scene: The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area. Sheldon: Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants. Scene: The same, later. Howard: Look, we have to settle this. Leonard: I agree. Sheldon's sister is hiding at Penny's because we've all been hitting on her at the same time. Raj: She's not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who's apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair. Howard: Oh, you poor, deluded b*st*rd. Raj: Don't start with me dude. Howard: You want to go again? Let's go. Leonard: Sit down. Howard: Okay. Leonard: If we're going to fight over Missy, let's do it the right way. The honourable way. (Time shift. Sheldon enters to hear sounds of fighting. It becomes apparent that the guys are playing a boxing game on a Nintendo Wii.) Leonard: And he's down! Howard: Come on, come on, get up. Leonard: Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work. Sheldon: I weep for humanity. Leonard: Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news. (Leaves and knocks on Penny's door.) Penny (answering): Ah, hey Leonard. Leonard: Hi Penny, how's it going. Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on? Penny: Uh, pretty much, why? Leonard: Nothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy please? Penny: Of course. Missy: Hi, Leonard, what's up? Leonard: Well, since you're leaving tomorrow I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner with me? Missy: That's so sweet. But no thanks. Leonard: Oh. You have other plans, or...? Missy: No. Leonard: Oh. Alright uh... enjoy the rest of your evening. Missy: Thanks. See you. Leonard (returning): Um, here's something we didn't anticipate. (Time shift. Penny opens door to Howard.) Penny: What do you want, Howard? Howard: I'm fine, thanks for asking. I've come to call on Missy. Penny: Missy? Missy: Hi Howard. Howard: The amazing Howard. Do you like magic? Missy: Not really. No. Howard: Then you are in for a treat. Behold, an ordinary cane. (Taps against doorpost. While humming he tries to perform a trick, but the cane falls in half with a yellow handkerchief flying out. Howard has to retrieve the pieces.) Da-dah! (Emerges with the handkerchief, on which are written the words "will you go out with me?") Missy: No. Howard: Okay. (Does something with hands, from which another yellow handkerchief emerges. This one reads "are you sure?" Missy closes the door.) (Time shift. Penny opens the door to Raj.) Penny: Missy? Raj: Thank you. I apprec.... (looks panicked) apprec.... appreeee.... oh-oh. Penny: Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off? (Raj nods.) Missy: Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you'd show up. (Raj attempts to speak. All that emerges is a high pitched wail. After a few more attempts he turns and leaves down the stairs, still making the same sound.) Missy: We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down. Scene: The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending. Missy: Any news you want me to pass along to Mom? Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory. Missy: Yeah, I'll just tell her you said hey. Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.) Missy: Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I'm very proud of you. Sheldon: Really? Missy: Yup, I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist. Sheldon: You tell people I'm a rocket scientist? Missy: Well yeah. Sheldon: I'm a theoretical physicist. Missy: What's the difference? Sheldon: What's the difference? Missy: Goodbye Shelly. Sheldon: My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating.
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ACT ONE ON THE PLUS SIDE SHE DID LOSE TWO POUNDS Scene 1 - Int. Frasier's Studio at KACL Frasier is seated in his booth. Roz stands beside him, sorting through papers. Frasier: Oh Roz, I managed to get some reservations at San Gennaro tonight. [standing] I thought we'd go celebrate your birthday. Roz: [looking up] Oh, that is so sweet, but I have a date. With that waiter we met at lunch yesterday. Frasier: [disbelieving] You're going out with that guy? Roz: I didn't have enough for a tip. Frasier: Keep in mind the service wasn't that good. [pause] Well, the reservation won't go to waste. I can always take Niles. Roz: Niles? Again? You know, your entire social life consists of going out with your brother. [pause] Don't you think you're getting into kind of a rut? You're still young! You need to go out and get drunk... Frasier walks around her toward the door of the booth. Roz: [cont'd] Wake up in some stranger's bed and not even remember how you got there. Frasier: [opening door] In other words, exchange my life for yours. Roz: Well, do what you want. But you know what? You could shake up your life every once in a while, do something spur of the moment. Once, I finished work on a Friday and hopped a plane to Acapulco, and I didn't pack anything but my toothbrush. Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, I do remember you calling in sick one Monday morning with a mariachi band in the background. Roz: Well, I was sick. Frasier: Mmm-hmmm. [closes door] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Int. Frasier's living room at the Elliot Bay Towers Daphne: [opening front door] Oh, Doctor Crane! Niles: Daphne. Niles walks into the apartment to place his coat on the sofa. Daphne closes the door after him. When he turns back toward her, she has turned her back to him. She is wearing a yellow sundress which is unzipped to her lower back. Daphne: Thank God you're here. My zip's stuck. Niles: Oh. Niles walks to her and reaches for the zipper, watching her lower back intently. Niles: Good thing I got here when I did. Daphne: Don't be afraid to grab hold and give it all you've got. Niles: [looking up at the back of her head] Okay. Daphne: Sometimes pulling it down a bit helps. Niles: [looking up again] Okay. [pause] Oh, dear. I've zipped my tie into your dress. It won't come loose. Niles leans down to examine his predicament. Daphne: Oh, let me see! Daphne turns to look, jerking Niles by the tie in the process. Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry! It is stuck, isn't it? Well, maybe some liquid soap from the powder room will loosen it up. Daphne walks to the bathroom, dragging Niles by the tie. He is leaned over, his face very close to her rear - most likely a delightful scenario for him. Just as Daphne has her hand on the knob to the bathroom, Frasier walks in the front door, taking in the scene before him. He stares skeptically for several moments as he closes the door behind him. Frasier: Niles, there's something on your tie. Daphne: [grinning] Doctor Crane was helping me with my dress, and now he's caught. Frasier: Yes, he is. [walks to Daphne, pushing Niles to the side slightly] Allow me. [frees the zipper] Ah, there. All right, there we go. Frasier walks over to hang up her coat, and Daphne walks toward the breakfast table. Daphne: What a relief. I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Doctor Crane to death. Niles: Well, we all have to die of something. [gazing longingly] Frasier: Oh Niles, I managed to score some reservations tonight at San Gennaro. You up for a little Italian? Niles: Actually, I'm going out with Maris, so I guess you could say I'm up for a little Episcopalian. [laugh] Frasier: [laughs, walking toward wet bar] Like some sherry? Niles: Yes, thank you. Frasier: So, those counseling session must be going very well. [pouring sherry] Niles: They are! So, tonight, we thought it would be a kick to recreate our very first date. Daphne: [sitting at table] Oh, that's sweet. Martin walks in the front door with Eddie on his leash. Niles: Hey, dad. In fact, that day my car was in the shop, so I'm here to borrow Dad's car just like I did back then. [Frasier hands him his sherry] Just saying that makes me feel so young. "Gee, Dad, can I borrow the car?" Martin: You did that twice on the phone, and I didn't find it cute then. [reaching in pocket, pulling out keys] Here you go. Martin tosses his keys to Niles underhanded. However, they sail right by him and are caught by Frasier, who is standing behind him. Frasier: [handing Niles the keys] I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala. Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. [proud] I was her first bad boy. [sits on couch] Frasier: Uh-huh. Yes, I remember the way you used to carry your inhaler around rolled up in the sleeve of your t-shirt. [gesturing to Daphne at the table and Martin coming out of the kitchen] Oh, how about you two? You guys want to join me for dinner tonight? Martin: Oh sorry, Sherry's cooking me dinner tonight. Daphne: And I have a date with Greg. Frasier: Greg? I don't believe I've met him yet. Martin: I have. He's gorgeous. [stares all around] Well, he is. Daphne: He's certainly the best-looking man I've ever been out with. Of course, he doesn't have a thought in that pretty little head of his. [distantly] Hmmm, this could be the one. Martin: [going to sit in chair] But you know, Frasier, maybe I can have Sherry cook for me some other time. Frasier: No, no. You don't have to put yourself out on my account, Dad. [notices answering machine blinking] Oh Dad, did you happen to check this message? Martin: No, I don't touch that thing. Message: [V.O.] Hi, it's Laura. We're getting an extra day of rehearsal, so I'm coming in tonight instead of tomorrow. American, Flight 11, 10:30. Can't wait. Bye! Frasier: Great news, Laura's in town! Niles: Who's Laura? Frasier: A stranger who called my machine by mistake. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene 1 - Int. the restaurant - San Gennaro Frasier stands at the maitre 'd's booth in the restaurant, his arm propped against it casually. Frasier: Reservation for Doctor Frasier Crane. Maitre 船: From the radio, yes? Frasier: Yes. Ooh, actually my date canceled, so it'll just be me. Maitre 船: I see, sir. [lowers voice] Table for one. Frasier: There is no need to lower your voice. I'm not ashamed to dine alone. eally, as a man of some celebrity, I can serve as a symbol to others who might otherwise be afraid to do so. I mean, really it's okay, it's actually even preferable to sit and dine alone rather than listen to someone who's too much in love with his own voice prattle on endlessly. Maitre 船: Well, you convinced me, sir. I'll see if your table's ready. The Maitre 'D leaves the room, and Frasier is left alone, looking decidedly less comfortable. Maitre 船: [loudly] Doctor Crane? Your table for one is ready. He holds a menu out for Frasier, who takes it and slinks to his table, which is positioned right in the center of the room. Frasier: Uh, listen, is it possible to move to... to have a table elsewhere? I feel just a bit conspicuous right here. Waiter: I'm very sorry, sir, but they're all reserved. But don't worry, most of our patrons only have eyes for each other. Frasier: Very well. Frasier sits. The waiter begins to fix the place setting, clinking glasses together very loudly. Other diners begin to look at the table. Waiter: I'm so sorry, sir. Frasier: Perfectly all right. Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. Perhaps I could have a glass of your house cabernet. A young boy approaches as Frasier fixes his napkin in his lap. Johnny: Hi. Frasier: Hello. What's your name? Johnny: Johnny. How come nobody's sitting with you? Frasier: Well, that's a bit complicated, Johnny. Johnny: My mom and dad said it's okay if you come sit with us. Frasier: Oh, well, that's a very... very sweet offer, and I know it's hard for a young boy to understand, but really, there's nothing wrong with someone eating by himself. Johnny: You know, one time I was really bad at school and the teacher made me eat lunch all by myself. Frasier: Oh, well that gave you an opportunity to think about your actions, didn't it? Johnny: Nope. I just cried. Frasier: [rolls eyes] Run along, Johnny. Johnny leaves. The waiter approaches. Waiter: Your glass of cabernet, sir. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Waiter: Oh, and I see your candle has gone out. [shouts] Enrico! [claps loudly] Frasier: Please, stop! Tonight, I'd prefer to just... dine in the shadows, thank you. An attractive woman approaches. Woman: Excuse me. Are you here by yourself? Frasier: As a matter of fact I am, yes. Woman: I was hoping you'd say that! Would you mind if I - [gestures at the other chair at the table] Frasier: Oh, good Lord, yes. I've actually been sitting here hoping somebody would- [realization passing over him] make good use of that chair. As the woman takes the chair away... Amanda: AAAHHHH! [jumps up] Of course I'll marry you! The scream has startled Frasier, who spills his cabernet all over his shirt. Ethan: Oh, sorry for the commotion, folks. [notices spilled wine, walks over] Oh, gosh, is that our fault? Listen, let me pay for the dry cleaning! Frasier: Oh, not to worry, not to worry. Maitre 船: Congratulations, you two! Here's to young love! Husband: [standing with his wife] Well, as long as we're all sharing good news, my wife just told me that we're having twins. Ethan: Now that I've already interrupted all of your meals, I'd just like to share my joy with everyone here. [gazes at his fiance] To Amanda, my future bride, I will love you every day of my life, and I hope that, when we die, it's at the exact same moment so that neither of us will have to spend even one second alone again. Everyone applauds, including Frasier, but VERY grudgingly. He looks around, frowns, thinks a bit, and finally stands and walks over to Johnny's table. Frasier: Hi, um, Johnny said I could eat with you. [SCENE_BREAK] LOVE AMONG THE RUINS Scene 2 - Int. Frasier's living room at the Elliot Bay Towers. Frasier walks in the front door of his apartment. Martin and Daphne are sitting at the breakfast table. Martin: Hey, Fras, how was your dinner? Frasier: [walking slowly behind the couch] Not since Quasimodo strolled the streets of medieval Paris have so many people uttered the phrase, "That poor man." Daphne: I'm sure it wasn't as bad as all that. Frasier: Oh? [opens his overcoat to reveal his red shirt and tie] Daphne: Oh, dear. Frasier: [walks to hang up his overcoat] The height of the evening came when the entire staff of waiters delivered the birthday cake that I'd ordered for Roz and neglected to cancel. [pause] They sang to me. [walks over to lean against Martin's chair] Martin: It's not your birthday. Frasier: Staying right with the story as usual, Dad. Anyway, after dinner I took a long stroll, and it suddenly struck me: I'm single. I'd gotten accustomed to thinking of myself as recently divorced, but that was five years ago. I'm forty- three, and I'm alone. Martin: Hey! [stands and walks to kitchen] I have something that'll cheer you up. I brought you some of Sherry's mock apple pie. [comes out] It's called "mock" cause they uses crackers instead of apples. Frasier: Good! [doorbell; Frasier walks to answer door] Nothing spoils an apple pie like apples. [opening door] Oh, Niles. Niles: Frasier! Oh, what happened? Frasier: Well- Niles: No, let me guess. [leans in] Robust color, fruity bouquet. I'd say that's an amusing little merlot. Frasier: Cabernet. [closes door] Niles: [walking past him] Oh. Well, it's still amusing. Daphne: So, did you and Mrs. Crane enjoy recreating your first date? Niles: [standing behind chair at the breakfast table; very excited] Oh yes, my Maris remembered details that I'd forgotten. For example, when I brought her home after the restaurant, we took a stroll around the grounds. Suddenly, Marta appeared on the balcony playing the part of Maris's late father. She was liquored up on Rob Roys and firing Swedish meatballs at me from an antique blunderbuss. Frasier: [glances down at answering machine] Dad, am I the only one in this household who checks this machine? Laura: [V.O.] Hi, Molly. Laura again. Frasier: Again. Laura: [V.O.] Is that Tom on the machine? He sounds nice. Anyway, I just called to remind you I'll have my cello with me. Translation: you might want to clean out your car this time to make room. I know, toujours la grande souer. Anyway, I can't wait to see you guys. I've been on my own way too much lately. See you at 10:30, Flight 11. Love you. Goodbye. [N.B. French, 殿lways the big sister.?/i>] Daphne: Too bad there's no way to call her back. She's gonna be stranded at the airport. Frasier: Oh no, she won't, she'll take a cab. Daphne: You know, that happens a lot. People leaving wrong messages. And after hearing a stranger's voice like that, it always starts me wondering what they must be like. Martin: Oh, you can't really judge what a person's like from the voice. Niles: [looking at Sherry's mock apple pie on the breakfast table] That's true. I was once told that I sound - imagine the impertinence - [enunciating] "UP-TIGHT." Daphne: Well, she sounds to me like a very attractive woman. Intelligent - Niles: She speaks French. Frasier: I always loved the name Laura. Martin: Hey Frasier, you know, that was gonna be your name if you were a girl. Frasier: Really? Martin: Yeah! Your mother always wanted Priscilla, but I never liked the nickname "Prissy." Niles: [cutting a slice] Mmmm, I never much cared for it, either. Frasier smiles at the irony and sits down on his couch. Daphne: You know, Doctor Crane, this Laura sounds like she might just be a perfect match for you. If you left now, you could meet that plane. Frasier: [laugh] Oh, please, Daphne, a couple phone calls and you're fixing us up already. Daphne: But think about it! She plays the cello. You'd like that. [stands and walks toward Frasier] Niles: She appreciates neatness. [following Daphne] Martin: She expresses affection easily. That's good. [receives stares from everyone] Well, pardon me for growing a little, okay? Daphne perches on the arm of the sofa. Martin sits in his chair. Niles stands between them. Niles: She did mention being on her own too much. So we know she's available. Frasier: Oh, sure it's fun to speculate, but, come on, you can't seriously be suggesting- Daphne: But why not? I can't imagine a more exciting way to meet. The woman of your dreams steps off a plane, and there you are to rescue her. Niles is watching her tenderly. Very sweet. Martin: Oh, yeah, you can't beat meeting somebody in a romantic way. That's the way it was with me and your mom. Niles: You met Mother over the chalk outline of a murder victim. Martin: So? It was romantic to us. Daphne: I met a boy in a cute way once. I was eighteen and visiting Stonehenge and this smashing young man came up to me and told me he was an actual descendent of the Druids. Frasier: Boy, is that the one place that line would work. Niles: I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting there next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the Mile High Club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." [pauses, takes a sip of sherry] God, that was twenty years ago. [starts to chuckle, then] Nope, still can't laugh about it. [N.B. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, an invitation to "join the Mile High Club" is an offer to have s*x on an airplane.] Frasier stands and walks back over to the message machine. He hits a button. Laura: [V.O.] Hi, Molly. Laura again. Is that Tom on the machine? He sounds nice. Anyw- Frasier stops the machine and turns around. Frasier: She likes the sound of my voice. She's called me twice today. That's already the best relationship I've had this year. Martin: So, are you going? Frasier: Maybe. Oh, I don't know. Daphne: There's nothing worse than when you look back on a missed opportunity. Frasier: What the hell! [runs to grab his overcoat] Daphne: Oh, I'm so excited. Frasier: I can't believe I'm actually doing this! [runs to the door] Niles: Frasier, before you go- Frasier: No, Niles, stop right there! Don't say another word to me! I'll never do something this impulsive if I stop to overthink it. Just let me get the hell out of here before I change my mind! He slams the door behind him. Several moments go by before he opens it again and dashes toward his room. Frasier: But not before I change my shirt. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Int. airport People are de-boarding the plane. Several people hold signs. The first says, "IBM." The second says, "DR. THOMPKINS." Frasier, clearly nervous, stands with a sign with crude capital letters: "LAURA." Then Laura, a beautiful woman in her thirties, appears, maneuvering her cello case with the help of a flight attendant. Laura: Thanks for all your help. I can take it from here. Frasier: [leaning forward, speaking hesitantly] Uh, Laura? Looking for Molly? Laura: Yes, I am. Molly sent a driver? Frasier: Oh, no, no, no. [sincere smile] I'm not a driver, I'm a psychiatrist, I'm here to help you. Laura: [long pause] Molly's having me committed? Frasier: No, no, no! I'm Doctor Frasier Crane. Laura: Oh, from the radio! Frasier: Oh, you know me! Laura: Yes, I've heard your show, it's great! But your knowing me is just - weird. Frasier: Well, actually... you left a couple messages on my machine today by mistake. Laura: Oh, no. I must've gotten my sister's new number wrong. Frasier: I didn't want you waiting around for someone who wasn't coming. Laura: So you came all the way down here? What're you, like the nicest guy in the world? Frasier: Yes. Yes, I am. Well, speaking of nice, I would be delighted to drive you to your sister's home. Laura: Oh, no, no, no, I'll take a cab. Frasier: Are you sure? It's no trouble at all. Laura: Well, she lives an hour away. But, uh, listen, could I buy you a drink just to say thank you? Frasier: Yes, I'd love that. [gesturing to the instrument case] May I take your cello? Laura: Aaahhhh... I checked my cello, this is my purse. Long pause; Frasier seems confused, totally at a loss as to what to say. Laura: [jokingly annoyed] I think that's funny. Why doesn't anybody laugh at that? Frasier: That is funny! Here. [takes case, leads them toward airport bar] So, are you with an orchestra? [puts cello case to the side] Laura: With a chamber music group, actually. We're based in LA, but we travel quite a bit. [sits] I grew up here, so it's always nice to come back. I miss it. Frasier: So, what'll you have? Laura: Um... I think I'll have a glass of sherry. Frasier: [pleasantly surprised] Two. Laura: Not that you can expect that much from airport bar sherry. [guiltily] Oh, goodness. Don't I sound like the perfect snob? Frasier: [dreamily] Yes... [catches himself] I mean, I agree with you about the sherry. So... um... why did you choose the cello? Laura: When I was around eleven, my father took me to the symphony. And this sounds a little silly, but when I heard the cello, it sounded sad, like it needed me. Frasier: [moved] That's not silly. It's lovely. Laura: I was always an odd kid. All my girlfriends had posters of David Cassidy. I had Pablo Cassall. Frasier: I had Sigmund Freud. [laughs] Laura: But did you kiss him every night before you went to bed? Frasier: Well, I... I was tempted to, but he just would've read too much into it! [they laugh; their drinks come] Oh, thank you. Laura: I don't think I've ever shared a drink with a psychiatrist. I'm worried that you must be analyzing me. Frasier: Well, if I am, my diagnosis so far is that I... I can't find a single thing wrong with you. Laura: [takes sip of sherry] Actually, it's quite good! Frasier: Yes. My second pleasant surprise this evening. Laura: Frasier, maybe I'm misreading you here, but - I'm married. Frasier: [slowly, very disappointed] Oh... somehow I jumped to the conclusion that you were single. Wasn稚 there something in your message about having been on your own too much, lately? Laura: Oh, I've been away on tour. Frasier: Oh... Well, I guess by now you've probably figured out that my coming down here wasn't entirely the act of a Good Samaritan. More like a lonely Samaritan. Guess it makes me seem sort of desperate. Laura: No... I think it makes you seem sort of romantic. I used to do things like this when I was single. It was fun. Frasier: Clearly, you were better at being single than I am. Laura: Oh, come on. Let me ask you a question. How did you feel, coming down here? Frasier: I felt... completely exhilarated. In fact, it's the most fun I've had in recent memory. Laura: Exactly. The anticipation, the excitement, the hope. Marriage is the death of all that. Frasier: I hope you didn't write your own vows. Laura: [laughs] I'm not down on marriage. It's just that marriage can be great, but so can not being married. Frasier: I suppose. [pause] Well, you're smart, lovely, talented, able to look at the bright side of things. I'm getting more disappointed by the moment. Laura: [sincerely] I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted. Frasier: Oh, don't be. Look, I really did have fun. You know, it's not very often that I do something impulsive. Laura: Well, maybe you should. [pause] Well, I really should be going. Frasier: Oh, no, here, allow me. Allow me. I'm the nicest guy in the world, remember? [stands to retrieve cello] Laura: I'll remember. [stands] Frasier: Here we are. [hands over the cello] Laura: This is probably a ridiculous thing to say, but if I weren't married- Frasier: No, you don't have to finish that, but thank you very much for starting it. Laura: [barely audible] Okay. Laura turns to leave, but in the process, her cello case knocks over one of the metal stools at the bar. Frasier: Oh! Let me get that for you. Frasier bends down to lift the chair. Laura walks back over and leans toward him, her eyebrow raised worriedly. Laura: If you ever think back on this, could you just- Frasier: [broad, sweeping gesture] I'll just edit that part out. Laura: [nods] Thank you. Laura walks away. Frasier sits down, nursing his sherry. A dark- haired woman comes on from off-stage. Announcement: ...4 will depart from Gate 31. Passengers may proceed to the.... Woman: Excuse me. Frasier: Mmm-hmmm? Woman: Did you just hear that gate change announcement? Frasier: Oh, no, no, I'm sorry, but perhaps they can help you at the ticket counter. Woman: Oh, good idea. Thanks. [beginning to leave] Frasier: Where're you headed? Woman: Mexico. How about you? Frasier: Oh well, I'm just going to finish up my sherry, and then I'm off to.... [moment of inspiration] I'm going to Mexico! Woman: Really? Acapulco? Frasier: [stands to walk with her] It's uncanny! What hotel are you staying at? Woman: Via Terra. Frasier: Why, that's where I'm staying! You're scaring me! FADE OUT as they board the plane.
doc_76
[Scene: Church. Brendan and a priest are there.] Brendan: I wake up at night, my heart pounding, a voice whispering in my head your a fraud, you can't fool God. Priest: These are not new fears, Brendan. I've watched you grow, wept for you, rejoiced in you, you are not a fraud. I know your heart. Brendan: You don't know my family, father. Generations of evil. Evil that's in my blood. Priest: The blood of the sacrament washes it clean. Greg: Hello, Brendan. Paul: Long time no see. Brendan: How'd you find me? Greg: Yeah, good to see you too. Didn't mean to interrupt your conversation. We'll wait outside for you so we can have a family reunion. [Scene: Outside the church. Prue, Phoebe and Piper are getting stuff out of the van.] Prue: Hey, you know what? The next time the Quake does a food pantry why don't you call some guys. Piper: Yeah, I'll just go through my handy guy rolodex. Phoebe: Which I believe now stops a 'J' for Josh or is it 'B' for boyfriend. Piper: I don't wanna talk about it. Phoebe: Why not Piper? You know you like him and he calls you all the time. Why don't you just go out with him? Piper: I told you because I'm too busy with work and my instincts are telling me to lay low. Prue: Always trust your instincts. Phoebe: Who's side are you on? (They see some nuns.) Piper: Now they have the right idea. Phoebe: Who, the nuns? Piper: Yep, nice safe environment. Phoebe: Yeah, if you like monks. Piper: Stress free, no need to worry about guys, no wardrobe. Phoebe: No wardrobe? Okay, now you're scaring me. Piper: Um, whose pen is this? Prue: Oh, it's uh, Brendan's I think, you know the cute guy that signed for the food, remember? Phoebe: I remember him, yes. Piper: Good, then you can take it to him. I think he's in the church office. Phoebe: Okay, just don't go taking any vows while I'm gone, alright? (Piper hands Phoebe the pen and Phoebe has a premonition.) Oh, oh, cute guy, I just saw him being attacked by a warlock. I think it was here somewhere. Prue: Alright, let's split up. [Cut to inside the church. Brendan and his brothers are there.] Greg: Give it up little brother. You're praying to the wrong deity. Aren't you Brendan. I mean after all, we can't deny who we are. Brendan: You don't scare me Greg. Greg: Sure I do. (He turns into a warlock.) We've come a long way to find you. We're not leaving until you join us. Paul: Please Brendan, we don't want to hurt you. (Greg hits Brendan and he falls to the floor.) Greg: Did you really think the church could save you? (Greg picks up Brendan up off the floor. He goes to hit him again but Prue enters the church.) Prue: Hey! (She uses her powers and Greg flies across the room.) Piper! Phoebe! Greg: We'll come back for you. (They run off.) Phoebe: Prue? Prue: You guys over here! (to Brendan) Are you alright? Brendan: Yeah, thanks. (He runs off.) Prue: Wait, where ...? Piper: Hey! Phoebe: What happened? Prue: I don't know, but uh, I'm gonna go find out. Opening Credits [Scene: In a room. Brendan's brothers are there. One brother is staring at a lizard.] Paul: Amazing reflex's. Check it out. Greg: Should've kept a closer watch on Brendan all these years. Shouldn't of left him alone. Paul: Seriously, you gotta see this, watch. Greg: I'm sick and tired of you and this freakin' lizard. Paul: Yeah? Too bad. (Greg goes to hit him.) No! I'm sorry, okay. Just stay away from my pet, that's all I ask. Maybe we should let Brendan go. I mean we don't really need him. It's not like we don't already have our powers. Greg: Without his powers we can't complete our triangle, the whole prophecy of the royal coven. He must accept his heritage. He must be initiated as a warlock. Paul: Initiated how? We can't force him to kill an innocent. Greg: Well, maybe not, but we can store his inner nature. The part he thinks is suppressed. Make him wanna kill. Paul: By tomorrow? Not a chance. Once he's been ordained, he's safe. He can never become a warlock. Greg: In which case, we will have to kill him. [Scene: Halliwell house. The phone rings.] Phoebe: Hello? Oh, hello Josh, how are you? Piper: I won't call him back. Phoebe: Yeah, she's right here, hold on a second. Oops. Piper: You're doomed. (She takes the phone.) Hello. No, it's alright I'm always up this early. What's that? My horoscope said that? Oh well, that's a shame 'cause I have to work Friday night. Yep, Saturday too. Phoebe: (to Prue) Okay, I have to go change the cat litter. Prue: Phoebe. Phoebe: What? What is the problem? She likes him, he likes her. Prue: The problem is it's none of our business. Piper: I, I've got to go now, but thanks for calling though. Yeah, well, I gotta go to work. I'll be there all day and all night. Yep, gotta go, bye. Phoebe: Okay, you know what? It's your life, if you wanna be a nun, God speed. Piper: Thank you. Now back to our warlock crisis. Why do we think they're after, what's his name again? Prue: Brendan, and I don't know, I couldn't find him. But I've seen him at the church before and I'm hoping that the parish priest can help. Piper: Yeah, well, you better hope Brendan doesn't tell anybody about your powers or else we got bigger problems than just warlocks. Prue: Yeah, but I don't think he will. There's something in his eyes, I don't know, it seemed like he wasn't surprised by it. Alright, um, I've gotta go. I'll call you guys if I find out anything. Piper: Do you want us to go with you? Prue: You have to work remember. (She leaves. The phone rings and Phoebe gets up to answer it.) Piper: Don't you dare answer that. Sit down. [Scene: Church.] Prue: Excuse me. Priest: Yes. Prue: Father Austin? Priest: Yes. Prue: Hi. I'm Prue Halliwell. My sister helped co-ordinate the food for last night. Priest: Piper. Of course. I'm very grateful to her, it was a wonderful evening. Except for what happened in here. Prue: Actually, that's why I'm here. Do you know someone named Brendan, i think he was one of the volunteers? Priest: I know Brendan very well. You don't think he had anything to do with this? Prue: No. No, no, no, no. Um, but I did see two other men trying to hurt him. I mean he's fine, he got away alright but I don't think they're gonna stop trying. Priest: He always said they'd come. Prue: Excuse me? Priest: It's just something I know Brendan's been wrestling his whole life. Prue: Do you know where I might be able to help him? Priest: You? How? Prue: I can't really tell you that father, I'm sorry. It's kind of personal, I just have to ask you to trust me. [Scene: Quake.] Phoebe: So the lunch rush is almost over and you're closed till dinner right? Piper: Yeah, why? Phoebe: Just curious. Have you heard from Prue yet? Piper: No, not yet. (Phoebe stares at her.) What? Why are you staring at me? Phoebe: Because I'm worried about you that's why. Piper: Oh, Phoebe don't start. Phoebe: No, Piper something's up. You're turning down dates with a guy that you like, extolling the virtues of convent living, you've been working double shifts three times a week, this is not the Piper I know and I'm worried. Piper: Don't be. Everything is fine. (Josh walks up behind them.) Josh: I would like a glass of Clara Jenson please. Ninety three if you got it. Piper: Josh. Josh: Good start. You recognized me. Piper: What are you doing here? (quietly to Phoebe) Phoebe! Phoebe: (quietly) What? Piper: This is such a surprise. Josh: Well, I tell ya, I'm gonna cut right to the chase here. You wanna get all hot and sweaty with me? I'm kidding, kidding. I'm on my way to the gym and thought since I can't buy you dinner, we could um, work out together. Piper: I'll be right back. Phoebe: Uh, so will I. Piper: I'm gonna kill you. Phoebe: Why? A little exercise, a nice steam, a trip to the juice bar, what could it hurt? Piper: My job. I'm at work. I can't just up and leave. Phoebe: Okay, well, I could baby-sit for you while you're gone. Piper: The restaurant? I don't think so. Phoebe: What, it's not like anything's gonna happen. You said it yourself, you're closed until dinner. Come on, it is just a work out. The worst case scenario, you're in better shape by the time you check into the nunnery. Piper: Okay, fine. But only if it will get you to shut up. Phoebe: It will. Piper: Good. Phoebe: Fine. (She gives Josh the thumbs up sign.) Josh: Thank you. Phoebe: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Stables. Brendan is there with a little girl.] Brendan: Are you sure you've never ridden a horse before? Little girl: I've never even seen a horse before. Except on television. Brendan: Well, you're a natural at it. Keep your grades up and maybe you could come riding again. Little girl: Promise? (He nods.) Ah, a spider! Kill it. Brendan: Oh, no. He's just trying to find his way home that's all. Besides, all life's precious to God you know. (Prue walks up behind them.) Here, don't be afraid. Trust me. (He puts the spider in her hands.) There you go. (He sees Prue.) Ah, why don't you take him in the stables and set him free. (She leaves.) Prue: You're braver than me. Brendan: How'd you find me? Prue: Father Austin told me you would be here. We need to talk. Brendan: Look, uh ... Prue: Prue. Brendan: Prue. If you're worried about me telling anyone about your secret, you don't have to. It's safe with me. Prue: Yeah, well, that's good to know but why? I mean most people would be pretty freaked out if they saw what you saw. Brendan: I'm not like most people. Prue: Yes, I know. Most people aren't attacked by warlocks. Brendan: I don't wanna talk about that. (He gets on his horse.) Prue: Okay. Ah, hi, just can I borrow this for a minute. (She gets on a horse.) Man: Sure, go ahead. (They gallop off. Prue gallops past Brendan.) Brendan: Hey, wait up. (They slow down.) If you keep your grades up maybe you can come riding again too. Prue: Oh, you promise? Brendan: Who are you anyway? Prue: Oh, well, that's not fair, I asked you first. Brendan: I'm not quite sure I know the answer to that I'm afraid. Prue: Well, as far as I can see you're too good to be true, I mean church volunteer, great with kids, loves horses, spiders. Brendan: Not all spiders. Hate black widows. Prue: That's a good thing. Brendan: What? Prue: Brendan, you're in danger, serious danger. Brendan: I know. Prue: What, how do you know? I can help you. Brendan: No you can't. You're lucky they didn't hurt you, they could of killed you last night. Prue: Who could of? Who are they? Brendan: It doesn't matter. After tomorrow I'll be safe from them forever. Prue: What happens tomorrow? Brendan: I become a priest. [Scene: Rock climbing place. Piper is half way up the wall.] Piper: (Angrily to herself) A little sweat, a nice steam, trip to the juice bar. I will kill you Phoebe. (Josh comes down the wall and stops where Piper is.) Josh: How ya doin'? Piper: (Does a fake laugh) Great. Never better. Josh: You're lookin' great. Come on, I can't believe you've never done this before. Piper: Yeah, well, believe it. Josh: You want me to keep you company on the way up? Piper: Oh no, I'll meet you, I'll meet you down there. Josh: Alright, I'll see you in a few. (He goes down the wall. Piper starts to climb the wall again but slips and falls but Josh catches her before she hits the ground.) Piper: Wow, talk about falling for a guy. (He puts her down and she freezes him. She gets out her phone and calls Phoebe.) I can't believe I said that. Phoebe: Hello, Quake. (You see the sink overflowing and water is everywhere.) Piper: Phoebe. Pheobe: Hey, Piper, how's is going? Piper: Bad, real bad. Phoebe: Uh, really? Why? Piper: You wanna know why? I'll tell you why. Because we shared the look. (You see Phoebe trying to stop the water from squirting out of the tap.) Phoebe: The look? Piper: You know, the look that proceeds the kiss. You look at each other the same time, you smile at each other the same time. Phoebe: Well, that's great. I knew you'd have a good time. Piper: No, Phoebe, this is exactly what I did not want to happen. Is that water I hear running? Phoebe: Uh, water? I don't know, maybe just a little. Hey, you know, just out of curiosity, if you were the water shut off valve, where would you be? (Piper hangs up and Josh unfreezes.) Josh: Hey, uh, where'd you get the phone? Piper: Uh, Phoebe just called, there's an emergency at the restaurant. I gotta go. (She kisses him on the cheek.) Um, I had a really great time, thanks. Josh: You're welcome. [Scene: Church. Father Austin is on the floor and is badly hurt. A warlock is next to him. Prue enters the church and sees what has happened. The warlock sees Prue and turns back into a human. It's Brendan.] Brendan: Prue. (He runs off. Two nuns see what's happened.) Nun: Dear God. Prue: Call 911. Hurry. (She runs after Brendan.) [Cut to outside. Prue trips Brendan by using her powers.] Brendan: Prue, wait. You don't understand. Prue: Don't I? Brendan: I didn't hurt father Austin. I found him like that, I swear. Prue: Before of after you turned into a warlock? Brendan: After. When I saw what they did to him I was crazed. The rage turned me into a warlock. Look, don't believe me I don't care. Just at least let me call the paramedics, please. Don't let him die. I'm begging you. Prue: They've already been called. Brendan: Thank you. Prue: Do you actually expect me to believe that you're a good warlock? Brendan: No. There's no such thing. I can explain it to you if you let me. I can make you understand. I won't hurt you. I need your help. Prue: For what? Brendan: To stop the other warlocks. To stop my brothers. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside church. The paramedics are putting Father Austin in the ambulance. Andy and Morris are there.] Morris: I got an eye witness. A nun. Saw someone she ID'd as Brendan Rowe. Apparently Mr. Rowe lives in the rectory. You alright? Andy: No, I'm not. Father Austin's my priest. He gave me my first communion. What kind of animal would do this? Morris: You wanna follow him to the hospital? Andy: No. I wanna catch the scum that did this to him. [Scene: Quake. Piper gives the man that fixed the water a cheque.] Piper: (to a man) Thank you. Man: Thank you. Piper: (to Phoebe) You should of called me. Phoebe: I know, I know. But you had a good time, right? Piper: Unfortunately. Phoebe: Do you confuse yourself when you do that? Piper: I just, I don't know Phoebe, it seems like every guy I've liked lately has been a warlock, a ghost, or otherwise unavailable like Leo. I was just trying to save myself some grief with Josh. Phoebe: But Josh is available, and human too ... I think. Piper: I just don't want to be disappointed again. I'm tired of falling for the wrong guy, human or supernatural. Phoebe: Well, I am sorry. If I had of known that you wanted to take a dating hiatus, I wouldn't of pushed so hard. Are you mad at me? Piper: No, I'm grateful. Phoebe: Yeah? Piper: You followed my instincts. I don't know what I'd do without you. [Scene: Prue and Brendan are taking a walk.] Brendan: A warlock naturally comes from two warlock parents like Greg and Paul do. But they're just my half brothers, I had a different mother. Prue: A human mother? Brendan: Yes. A wonderfully, human mother. Prue: So then we have something in common. My father was human. Brendan: The only difference is he came from good. Mine came from pure evil. Descended from an ancient warlock line intent on furthering the Rowe coven. Three brothers destined to become the most powerful force of evil the world has ever known. Prue: The evil charmed ones. Brendan: Only I went into hiding. I wanted to break the chain. Make amends for all that my family's done. Prue: By becoming a priest? Brendan: Embracing God in that way is the only way to lose my power and my warlock nature forever. And with it keep the Rowe coven from ever being. I've been at war with myself all my life, Prue. Running from the evil inside me. I guess it finally caught up. Prue: You can fight it. Fight them. Brendan: No I can't. My brothers are too powerful, they're relentless. They'll keep hurting the people I care about until I give in. They'll even hurt you. Prue: I can take care of myself. It's you I'm worried about. Brendan: Ahh, don't worry about me. I know what I have to do. I have to kill my brothers before they trick me into killing somebody else. You'll have to follow me to their place, and then and your sisters will have to kill me. [Scene: Greg and Paul's place.] Paul: Everything's ready. Greg: Good. He's coming. This is amazing. Just as his approach my power quickens. It's as if I'm reaching out for him. For completion, do you feel it too? (Brendan enters the room.) Brother. Brendan: I'm here to kill you Greg. Greg: Well, I'm glad. Anything less, I'd be disappointed. But first you're gonna need this. (He gets a knife.) Paul: It's okay, Brendan, take it. (He does so.) Brendan: I know this wasn't your doing Paul. But I'm gonna have to kill you too. Greg: But me first. (Brendan and Greg start fighting.) Yes, come on, you're feeling it now. Come on, I dare ya, you're almost there. In your blood, this is us, this is your birth right. (Brendan sees a woman tied to a table with candles around her.) Brendan: What the hell? Greg: Isn't the heat intoxicating? But you need to kill. Oh, yes, that's it. [Cut to Prue, Piper and Phoebe.] Phoebe: Got here as soon as we could, we just didn't have time to go to the house and get the Book of Shadows. Prue: Yeah, I don't wanna have to kill Brendan too. Piper: But you said on the phone he's a warlock. Prue: Yeah, I know he is but if we can vanquish his brothers before he turns, we might be able to save him okay. [Cut back to the warlocks. Brendan is holding the knife just above the woman's throat.] Greg: One clean thrust and you're both a piece. (Prue, Piper and Phoebe barge through the door.) Prue: Brendan, no! (Prue uses her powers to untie the woman. Paul flings his hand out and lightning flies out if his fingertips landing near them. They run into the other room.) Paul: Three witches. We can't defeat them without Brendan and we haven't got him yet. (They run away. Prue, Phoebe and Piper run back into the room.) Piper: (to woman) It's okay, you're safe. Prue: No, don't take the blind fold off she'll see us. We'll call for help. Phoebe: Prue, he's a warlock. Prue: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Same place. There is now police and lots of people there.] Officer: (to Morris) I'll take that. (A man walks past Morris.) Morris: Minimal traffic. Man: See if he needs the photos. Morris: I'll give it to him. Victim's a little shaken up so give her some air okay. [Cut to Andy and the victim.] (He gives her some tea.) Andy: Here you go. Woman: Thank you. Andy: You okay to talk a little more? Woman: Yeah, um, I just gotten to my car and I'm loading the groceries in the back and then they just came out of nowhere. Andy: Was this guy, Brendan Rowe, one of them? (He shows her a picture.) Woman: No. But I remember them calling one of the other ones that. I was blind folded and I think they drugged me or something 'cause the next thing I remember I was here. I felt the tip of the knife. He was gonna kill me. But she made him stop. Andy: She? Woman: One of the women that came. Um, Prue, I think her name was Prue. Andy: Thanks. Stay with her. (He points to a woman officer. He walks up to Morris.) The bastards painted a cult symbol on her chest as a target. She's lucky to still be alive. Morris: Did she I.D. Brendan Rowe. Andy: Yeah, said two others blind folded her. Brought her here for him to kill her. (He starts to leave but Morris stops him.) Morris: Where you going? Andy: I'm gonna get to the bottom of this once and for all. [Scene: Halliwell house. Prue's room.] Prue: Hey, um, you can sleep in my room and I'll sleep with Piper. Brendan: Why? Prue: Because Phoebe kicks. Brendan: No, I mean why are you doing this, why are you so kind to me after what I almost did? Prue: Yeah, but you didn't and that's what's important. You didn't come to your brothers will. Brendan: Only thanks to you. They had me Prue. Right where they wanted. I could feel the evil inside taking me over. It was so strong, so powerful. If you and your sisters didn't come in when you did. Prue: You would of stopped yourself. You wouldn't of hurt her. Brendan: How can you be so sure when I'm not even sure myself? Prue: Because you're a good person Brendan, I've seen it at church, Father Austin's words, at the stables with that little girl. Your good side is much stronger than your evil side, you just have to keep fighting it until your ordination in the morning. And then you're home free. And we are gonna make sure you get there on time. (There's some silence and they stare into each other's eyes.) Brendan: How many temptations do I have to endure? (They move into a kiss.) Prue: Uh, okay, I'm gonna go. Night. Brendan: Night. [Cut to downstairs.] Piper: He was about to drive a knife in that woman's heart. Phoebe: Yeah, you couldn't of missed that right? Prue: I didn't. I saw Brendan NOT punch the knife in her. Phoebe: Yeah, that's because we stopped him. Prue: Then why isn't she dead? Piper: Because we showed up. Prue: No, because we followed him. Because last night Phoebe had a premonition of Brendan being attacked. That makes him the innocent that we're suppose to protect. Phoebe: Not necessarily. I mean maybe we were directed to him so that we could save the real innocent. The woman. Piper: Which we did and now you've brought her would be killer, a warlock no less in our house. How do you know he won't try to kill us? That's what warlocks do. Prue: He's not just a warlock, he's human too. Okay, look, Piper, remember when the wendigo turned you into a monster. The struggle that you went through and, and, and Phoebe, what about the shadow that turned you evil, what you went through to fight him off just to stay good. If anybody could relate to what Brendan is going through I would think that it would be you two. He has worked so hard for so many years to overcome his dark side and his brothers and he is so close. Piper: What if, what if, you're wrong. What if he crosses over and joins his brothers? Phoebe: Well, then they become the evil charmed ones and it's too late to stop them. Prue: I know. Look, I can't explain it. I'm just following my instincts and they've never let me wrong before, at least not when I've really listened to them. Guys, if you can't believe in him, can you please at least believe in me? Phoebe: Okay. Well, if we're gonna help Brendan get to this ordination, we have to figure out a way to stop his brothers, they're definitely gonna be there waiting. (The doorbell rings.) Piper: Who could that be? Phoebe: Brendan's brothers? Prue: Something tells me they're not exactly the ringing the bell types. (Prue answers the door.) Prue: Andy. Andy: Hey, Prue. You feeling lucky? 'Cause I'm about to do ya a BIG favour. I'm gonna forget that I can place you at the scene of the crime if you can tell me where I can find Brendan Rowe. Prue: I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. Andy: I'm talking about justice for Father Austin. Ever hear of him? (Prue doesn't know what to say.) What's the matter? Need a little more time to work on your story? Phoebe: Andy! Andy: Sorry, but all bests are off on this one. A priest, my priest, was viciously attacked at his own church who dedicated his life at doing only good. Then a young mother was kidnapped almost sacrificed in an altar. Now I can place Brendan Rowe at both scenes of the crime and the female victim hearing your name at the last one. And believe it or not I don't care why you were there, all I care about is who tried to kill Father Austin. Prue: I wish that I could help you. Andy: Piper, what about you? You wanna tell me where he is? Piper: We're not hiding any criminals here Andy if that's what you're asking. Andy: Fine. Father Austin's in intensive care. If he dies it's first degree murder and if I find out you're someway involved, I won't be able to look the other way, Prue. (He leaves.) Phoebe: I've never seen him like that before. Prue: Can you blame him? Piper: I hope you're right about Brendan, Prue. [Scene: Greg and Paul's place. They are saying a spell.] [Cut to Prue's room. Brendan is lying in bed and he's very restless. He gets out of bed and sees a spider and squashes it.] [Back at Greg and Paul's place.] Paul: He should of been here by now. I told you the spell wouldn't work. Greg: We still got time. Paul: I'm telling you he can't be taken. His mother's blood is too strong in him. Greg: Then we will have to kill him. Paul: I won't let that happen. Greg: And he won't have a choice. (Brendan enters the room.) Paul: Brendan. Greg: The spell brought you here. But the rest you have to do on your own, brother. Brendan: I understand. Greg: Do you really? Brendan: I feel only your power reaching out to yours and yours. To complete our triangle. Paul: All it takes is the life of a mortal and then your initiation is complete. Greg: I'm afraid it's gonna take more. We need proof that you have truly turned. To complete the Rowe coven you must sacrifice a witch. Prue. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Prue's room.] Piper: Where'd he go? Prue: Um, probably to the rectory to get ready. Piper: But you're not sure. Prue: No, I'm not. Piper: What are you gonna do? Prue: I'm gonna find him. Wake up Pheebs okay. (Phoebe stands at the doorway.) Phoebe: I'm up. Do you want to know what the Book of Shadows says about the Rowe coven? Prue: Go. Phoebe: It's not good. Ever since the tenth century each generation has grown stronger. Nobody can find a spell or a weapon that can stop them. Piper: Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed. Prue: Let's just hope the power of three can beat them. Phoebe: Unless it's already three against three. [Scene: Church. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are standing outside Brendan's room.] Phoebe: Are you sure you don't want us to go in with you? Piper: If he's turned he'll kill you. Prue: No, he won't I can talk to him. Look, I will call for help if I need it, I just need a minute alone with him. (She walks in the room.) Brendan: Hello, Prue. Prue: Hi. Is everything alright? Brendan: Yeah, sure. Why? You worry about me? Prue: A little. Especially since you left this morning without a word. Brendan: Yeah, well, big day. Wanted to get a jump on it. Prue: Yeah, shouldn't you be getting ready? Brendan: I am ready, Prue. Prue: They got you didn't they? Brendan: Look at this place. Hardly furnished, dresser, crucifix, bed, will this be my life? To meditate? To shut out the world. Prue: Have your brothers been here? Brendan: Mortify the flesh. They put a spell on me. To make me see your mortal body only. Something to kill and I see it. (Prue uses her powers and he flies across the room.) Prue: You can fight it Brendan. (Phoebe and Piper run in the room. Piper goes to freeze him.) No! It's okay, don't. (He turns into a warlock.) So this is it? You kill me or I kill you. Phoebe: Prue. Prue: Everything that you worked for, all the good that you've done still couldn't do. All for nothing, all lost. I don't believe it. I don't believe that this is the real you. (He raises his arm while holding the knife.) No, Brendan, wait! You're good. You can't kill me. It's not who you are. Isn't that why Father Austin believes in you? (Brendan turns back into a human.) Brendan: Did I hurt you? Prue: No, I'm okay. Brendan: Forgive me. Phoebe: (to Piper) I wasn't worried. Were you worried? Piper: Nah-uh. (They walk down the hallway.) Piper: It's clear. (Greg and Paul appear.) Greg: You betrayed us little brother. I'm very disappointed. Brendan: Leave them out of this, Greg. Greg: You're protecting witches now? You make me sick. Piper: Prue? Prue: Now! (Piper tries to freeze them but they have some sort of protective shield around them and Phoebe throws the knife at them but the shield blocks it. Same happens with Prue's powers.) Greg: No, not this time. I'm ready for you but family first. Brendan: Yeah? Come and get me. (Greg picks up the knife and gets ready to throw it. Paul stops him.) Paul: Greg, wait! Prue: Brendan, don't let them turn you, don't use your powers. Paul: Give him a chance. It's not too late Brendan, you can still join us. You are either with us or against us. Brendan: Then I'm against you. Greg: Then you will die. (He throws the knife gets Paul.) Damn you, Brendan. Paul: Greg. (He pulls the knife out of his chest.) Damn you! (He throws the knife and hits Greg in the chest. They both turn into dust.) Prue: I'm sorry. Brendan: I'm not. (A clock chimes.) Prue: It's time. Brendan: Yeah. After all these years, after everything I've given up to get here, a sacrifice never seemed greater than it does right now. (Prue kisses him.) Prue: Tell me about it. [Scene: Inside the church. Brendan is getting ordained and Phoebe, Prue and Piper are watching.] Phoebe: (to Prue) You know if you're ever gonna lose a guy it might as well be to the big guy. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Quake.] Bartender: What can I get you Prue? Prue: Um, the usual, thanks. (Andy walks up to Prue.) Andy: Hey. Prue: Hi. Still mad at me? Andy: Listen Prue, I'm sorry about how I acted earlier. Prue: Andy, please, you don't have to apologize. I know how close you are to Father Austin. I've known you a long time, remember? Andy: I remember. Actually, I just came from the hospital, the doctor says he's gonna be okay. Prue: I'm glad to hear that. Andy: And he said it wasn't Brendan Rowe that attacked him, it was his brothers. I suppose you don't know where I might be able to find them either? Prue: No. (The bartender gives her the drink.) Thanks. But I have a feeling you're not going to find them anywhere. Andy: Really? I wonder how you might know that? Nevermind, I think I already know. Well, better get back to work I just wanted to stop by. Prue: I'm glad you did. (He leaves. Prue walks over to a table where Piper and Phoebe are sitting.) Piper: Well, you're not handcuffed, that's a good sign. Phoebe: Depends on who's cuffing you. I'm joking. Prue: I wonder how he knew that I would be here? Phoebe: Are you kidding? We're always at Quake after we vanquish warlocks. Either here or at home. (Piper sees Josh.) Piper: Oh, there's Josh. Phoebe: Oh man, that guy cannot take a hint. Piper, this is my fault, I'm the one that pushed you on him. So I will handle this okay. Piper: It's okay. I called him. I decided it's time to try and work through my fears and trust my instincts. Prue: Always a good thing to do. Phoebe: Especially when they're that cute. Josh: Piper. I'm a little surprised you called, I thought you were mad at me or something. Piper: No, I just had to go to church. Table for two. Yes, you. (They sit at a table.) Phoebe: You know, maybe I didn't do such a bad thing after all. Prue: I'd say helping her get over falling for the wrong guy is a good thing. Now maybe you can help me with it. Phoebe: Yeah, that's not fair, losing such a catch like Brendan to the priesthood. God's got all the studs. Prue: Well, at least he's not a warlock anymore. Phoebe: And at least Piper's not a nun. Prue: Oh. Phoebe: Right? Prue: Right.
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MAWDRYN UNDEAD BY: PETER GRIMWADE Part Four First Air Date: 9 February 1983 Running time: 24:33 [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What do you mean? DOCTOR: I can only regenerate twelve times. I have already done so four times. TEGAN: So? DOCTOR: Don't you see? Eight of them, eight of me. TEGAN: They want your remaining regenerations? DOCTOR: It's the only way to end their mutation. NYSSA: Is that possible? DOCTOR: With this equipment, yes. BRIG '83: Let's get back to the TARDIS before they become hostile. TEGAN: Come on, Doctor, we've got to get out of here. MAWDRYN: We're scientists, not warriors. We have no weapons. The Doctor can only help us of his own free will. TEGAN: What you want is murder eight times over. MAWDRYN: No. What we desire is our own death. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN (on scanner): Turlough, my plans are in hazard. This friend of the Doctor's TURLOUGH: The Brigadier? GUARDIAN (on scanner): He is present on the ship in two aspects. TURLOUGH: That isn't possible. GUARDIAN (on scanner): It is forbidden, but not impossible. He has travelled through time in the TARDIS. TURLOUGH: But if the two aspects converged GUARDIAN (on scanner): The instability could destroy everything. You must find the Brigadier who travelled with the Doctor's companions. TURLOUGH: Leave here? GUARDIAN (on scanner): You will obey me. The two Brigadiers must be kept apart. TURLOUGH: What about those creatures? GUARDIAN (on scanner): They are harmless. They only threaten the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: We did not know that our experiments would bring endless mutation. DOCTOR: You have the regenerator, the facilities of the laboratory. Continue your experiments, find how to reverse the process. MAWDRYN: We have known for many years that the process is irreversible. MUTANT: We have experimented for centuries. MUTANT 2: We have tried to discover a remedy. MUTANT: There is no remission. MAWDRYN: Only you, as a Time Lord, can help us. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Hello, Brigadier. BRIG '77: Who the devil are you? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I cannot do what you ask. MAWDRYN: You cannot refuse. DOCTOR: I must. MAWDRYN: So be it, Doctor. Leave now, with your friends. But accept the consequences of your actions. NYSSA: What does he mean? DOCTOR: I don't know. BRIG '83: Back to the TARDIS? [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '77: So you're Turlough? Yes, Tegan told me about you. TURLOUGH: I've come to take you to the Doctor. BRIG '77: The Doctor? You know where he is? TURLOUGH: Of course. Come on. BRIG '77: Not so fast. Keep in the shadows. We have some disagreeable fellow passengers. TURLOUGH: They're harmless. BRIG '77: That remains to be seen. [SCENE_BREAK] MUTANT: The Doctor was our only hope. MUTANT 2: He must not be allowed to escape. MAWDRYN: My friends, do not despair. The Doctor will soon return. And of his own free will. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: You see, Brigadier, thanks to your imperfect memory there is now a Lethbridge Stewart some six years your junior at loose in this ship. BRIG '83: Good heavens. You mean that I did go with Nyssa and Tegan in the TARDIS in 1977? TEGAN: And were we glad of the company. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '77: This Doctor, what does he look like? TURLOUGH: Older than me, younger than you. BRIG '77: No, I mean, is he normal? TURLOUGH: Of course. BRIG '77: So, that deformed creature in the TARDIS was an imposter. TURLOUGH: Exactly. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Doctor, the Brigadier's here. BRIG '77: Doctor? BRIG '77: Turlough, what are you up to? [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '77 (OOV.): Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: No sign of Turlough. BRIG '83: I never trusted that boy. NYSSA: He must be here somewhere. DOCTOR: Well, I hope so, because I've got to get the TARDIS away from here. NYSSA: And separate the two Brigadiers. BRIG '83: Ah, now, hang on a minute. I've been thinking about that. DOCTOR: There isn't time to think, Brigadier. BRIG '83: Doctor, we are talking about six years of my life. DOCTOR: Well, you're perfectly all right in 1983. Obviously your 1977 self came to no physical harm. BRIG '83: Well, maybe not, but I don't want to have spent a year or two in limbo on this ship. NYSSA: Look. DOCTOR: Stay here, all of you. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Turlough, listen very carefully. We have a problem with the Brigadier. TURLOUGH: What is it? DOCTOR: The two time zones. The Brigadier did go with Tegan and Nyssa. There are now two Lethbridge Stewarts on this ship. TURLOUGH: I understand. DOCTOR: Now, I will take the Brigadier in the TARDIS back to 1983 Earth. TURLOUGH: And me? DOCTOR: You must find the other Brigadier and take him to the transmat capsule. You'll be quite safe, the mutants won't harm you. TURLOUGH: But the transmat beam doesn't work. DOCTOR: It will. The capsule is locked into the TARDIS' homing device. It will transmat to the centre of the TARDIS. I wired the device myself. TURLOUGH: Of course. DOCTOR: Now, when you arrive, whatever you do, stay in the capsule. Don't let the Brigadier out until I give you the word. Now, quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Will the mutants really travel for the rest of time? DOCTOR: I'm afraid so. NYSSA: That's terrible. DOCTOR: Sometimes you have to live with the consequences of your actions. Now, let's get away from here. [SCENE_BREAK] MUTANT: The Time Lord has left us. MUTANT 2: Can we be certain he will return? MAWDRYN: He will return. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It takes a remarkably cunning set of the coordinates to clear a warp ellipse. TEGAN: Doctor? DOCTOR: This is a temperamental old thing, but I'm getting remarkably good at sorting NYSSA: Doctor, something's happening. DOCTOR: Not at all. We're on course for the Brigadier's school. You see, there was a problem with BRIG '83: Doctor! NYSSA: Doctor, do something. BRIG '83: What on Earth is happening? DOCTOR: I don't know. BRIG '83: It's like Mawdryn in the laboratory. DOCTOR: Mawdryn? That's it! They've been contaminated. TEGAN: Doctor, do something. DOCTOR: No, don't touch them. The transfiguration can be controlled. NYSSA: Stop! DOCTOR: Stop. That's it. Travelling through time is accelerating the degeneration. BRIG '83: You've stopped the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Well, more than that. We're going back to where we started. I just hope it induces a proportional remission. BRIG '83: It's working. DOCTOR: Are you two all right? NYSSA: I think so. TEGAN: Doctor, what went wrong? BRIG '83: Look at them out there. I'll bet they knew this was going to happen. [SCENE_BREAK] MUTANT: The Time Lord has returned, as you predicted. MAWDRYN: The Doctor is not with us yet. He will not give up so easily. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: You were infected when you carried Mawdryn into the TARDIS. The journey to his ship would have made it worse. TEGAN: Infected? You mean their mutation is a disease? DOCTOR: Well, it shouldn't be. I can only assume their constant experimenting to correct their error brought about a viral side effect. BRIG '83: Well, why haven't we got it? DOCTOR: I don't know. NYSSA: So we can't time travel. TEGAN: We don't need to. All we need to do is get the TARDIS back to Earth. DOCTOR: That won't work. I've got to programme a temporal deviation to escape the warp ellipse. BRIG '83: Are we stuck on this ship? DOCTOR: I wonder. If I reverse the polarity of the neutron flow [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '77: So, you've stopped pretending to be the Doctor. MAWDRYN: The Doctor is in the TARDIS. BRIG '77: What? MUTANT 2: This man also is in the TARDIS. MUTANT: He is a deviant. MUTANT 2: There has been temporal duplication. MAWDRYN: The TARDIS will soon return. The imbalance could be cataclysmic. For your own safety you must return to the Earth at once. BRIG '77: Without the TARDIS? MAWDRYN: Quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '83: So far so good. DOCTOR: Oh, no. BRIG '83: But nothing's happening. DOCTOR: Oh yes, it is. [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: You will return to Earth immediately in the transmat capsule. BRIG '77: How the deuce do you expect me to MAWDRYN: Get in. BRIG '77: Look, if you think I'm trusting myself to this bauble MAWDRYN: The capsule is programmed for Earth. Quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA JR: It's no good, Doctor. DOCTOR: We're travelling in the opposite direction out of the ellipse. It's having a reverse effect. TEGAN JR: Stop! Stop! DOCTOR: Someone's trying to operate the transmat capsule. Must be Turlough taking your other half to the centre of the TARDIS. BRIG '83: Can the capsule do that? DOCTOR: Only when the TARDIS is clear of the ship. Until that happens, the transmat can't take place. The capsule will return to its terminal. DOCTOR: It's no good. I can't get clear of the ship without hurting Nyssa and Tegan. NYSSA: What are we going to do? [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN (OOV.): You have failed me! TURLOUGH: No. GUARDIAN (OOV.): The Brigadier is still free. TURLOUGH: That's not my fault. GUARDIAN (OOV.): Why did you not transport him in the capsule, as the Doctor instructed. TURLOUGH: The Doctor? But I'm supposed to be working against him. GUARDIAN (OOV.): Imbecile! Why should you not profit by the Time Lord's cunning? TURLOUGH: I'm sorry. GUARDIAN (OOV.): So near the annihilation of the Doctor and you risk all with your negligence and stupidity. TURLOUGH: I can still keep the two Lethbridge Stewarts apart. GUARDIAN (OOV.): If you fail me again, I shall destroy you. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: We can't stay in the TARDIS for ever. BRIG '83: Well, Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: You knew that would happen. MAWDRYN: Yes, Nyssa. NYSSA: You infected us. You passed on the mutative pattern. MAWDRYN: Yes, but not deliberately. TEGAN: What happens to us now? MAWDRYN: You will remain in the ship. TEGAN: For the rest of our lives? MAWDRYN: You're fortunate. Your journey will be short. Ours is without end. BRIG '83: We are not leaving them on this ship. MAWDRYN: Take them with you in the TARDIS and they will die. BRIG '83: Are you telling me that with all the facilities on this ship, you can't come up with some sort of antidote? MAWDRYN: We have no restorative for Tegan and Nyssa. BRIG '83: Doctor, have you got any ideas? ... You said in the laboratory that the Doctor could help you through that machinery. MAWDRYN: That is true, but only of his own free will. BRIG '83: Well then, surely he can do the same for Nyssa and Tegan. MAWDRYN: That is a question you must ask the Doctor. BRIG '83: Well, Doctor? TEGAN: Doctor? NYSSA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Take me to your laboratory. [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: The Doctor chose to involve himself. Soon he will be a Time Lord no longer. That is his reward for compassion. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '77: Doctor! Where is he? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: You will activate the energy transfer, Brigadier. It will take several moments for the charge in the machine to build up. You can read off the countdown to the moment of exchange. Are you all right? BRIG '83: Yes. MUTANT: Do not be afraid. When the moment comes, we will all share in the life force of the Doctor. MUTANT 2: Our mutation will end. MUTANT: You will no longer be contaminated. NYSSA: And the Doctor won't be a Time Lord any more. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Brigadier? Brigadier! [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: My brothers in exile, we approach the ending. DOCTOR: Activate, Brigadier, now. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN (OOV.): So near the supreme moment! The Brigadiers must not converge. Stop him, or I shall destroy you all! [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '83: Twenty seconds. Nineteen. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Brigadier! Brigadier, come back! [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '83: Thirteen, twelve, eleven BRIG '77: Doctor, Tegan. What the devil? DOCTOR: No, Brigadier, get out of here! BRIG '77: What do you think you're doing? Who on Earth? BRIG '83: I remember. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH (OOV.): It's cracked. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Are you all right? NYSSA: I think so. TEGAN: What happened? DOCTOR: A massive discharge of energy exactly synchronising with the moment of transfer. TEGAN: Is the Brigadier dead? DOCTOR: I don't think so. NYSSA: Doctor. DOCTOR: It's all right, old friend. BRIG '83: Oh, sorry about that, Headmaster. Touch of vertigo. It won't happen again. What the devil's been going on? DOCTOR: Nyssa, I want you to take the Brigadier back to the TARDIS, right to the centre, and keep him there until I give you the all clear. You'll be quite safe. TEGAN: This one must be all right. He belongs in 1977. DOCTOR: Amazing. The Brigadier's timing. A millisecond either way and TEGAN: And what? DOCTOR: At the moment of transfer, the power didn't come from me. TEGAN: Where did it come from? DOCTOR: Well, from the TARDIS, really. The two Brigadiers just shorted out the time differential. TEGAN: You mean zap? DOCTOR: Yes, that's right. Zap. TEGAN: Can Nyssa and I still time travel? DOCTOR: You're as good as new. TEGAN: Can you still regenerate? DOCTOR: I am a Time Lord. TEGAN: Look at Mawdryn. MAWDRYN: It is finished, Doctor. Can this be death? TEGAN: They're all dead. DOCTOR: They would have travelled for the rest of time, Tegan. Death was all they wanted. Come on, we must get the Brigadier back to 1977. TEGAN: Before we go, Doctor, thank you. You were prepared to risk everything for us. DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '83: Look, what's been going on? NYSSA: The Doctor will explain later. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What's that noise? DOCTOR: The ship is dying with the mutants. TEGAN: It's come out of orbit? DOCTOR: Yes. Hurry. [SCENE_BREAK] RUNCIMAN: Brigadier? RUNCIMAN: Brigadier, what happened? I came as soon as I got your message. RUNCIMAN: You'll be all right. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '83: My word, you've been making some changes in here, Doctor. DOCTOR: One has to move with the times. How are you feeling? BRIG '83: Haven't felt so well for, for at least six years. DOCTOR: There we are, 1983. Back to school, Brigadier. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Goodbye. BRIG '83: Goodbye, Doctor. If ever you're passing. Where's Turlough? DOCTOR: Turlough. He left in the capsule. NYSSA: He can't have done. If the Brigadier was still in the ship, he never used the transmat system. TEGAN: The auto-destruct! We've got to get back to the ship. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Oh, Turlough. NYSSA: You're safe. TEGAN: We thought you were on Mawdryn's ship. TURLOUGH: I'm not that easy to get rid of. TEGAN: So it seems. TURLOUGH: Doctor, may I join you? DOCTOR: I think you already have.
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A recap of 212 "Army of Ghosts". OPENING CREDITS INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER The Daleks advance upon Rose, Mickey and Doctor Singh, with cries of "exterminate! ". ROSE (shouts): Daleks! They fall silent, taken aback. ROSE (CONT'D): You're called "Daleks". The Daleks do not respond, seeming to simply observe her. Rose walks towards them. ROSE (CONT'D): I know your name. (Takes lab coat off). Think about it: how can I know that? A Human... who knows about the Daleks. And the Time War. If you wanna know how, then keep us alive. That's all I'm asking. Me and my friends. MICKEY: Yeah, Daleks. Time War. Me too. The Dalek's eye-piece swivels around to look at Mickey. RAJESH: Yeah. And me. DALEK SEK (to Rose): You will be necessary. (to Dalek Jast): Report: what is the status of the Genesis Ark? DALEK JAST: Status: hibernation. DALEK SEK: Commence awakening. DALEK THAY: The Genesis Ark must be protected above all else. The Dalek turns to the Genesis Ark, which also emerged from the sphere. It clamps its suction arm to the side of the Ark. MICKEY (to Rose, still pointing his gun at the Daleks): The Daleks, you said they were all dead. ROSE: Never mind that, what the hell's a Genesis Ark? INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JACKIE: What's down there? She was in that room with the sphere. What's happened to Rose? The Doctor is leaning against a wall. THE DOCTOR (abruptly): I don't know. Jackie starts to cry. The Doctor goes to her. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'll find her. I brought you here, I'll get you both out. You and your daughter. Jackie, look at me. Look at me. Jackie looks up at him, eyes red from tears. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (sincerely): I promise you. I give you my word. A Cyberman approaches Yvonne, who is sat at her desk. CYBERMAN: You will talk to your central world authority and order global surrender. YVONNE (without even a trace of fear): Oh, do some research. We haven't got a central world authority. CYBERMAN: You have now. I will speak on all global wavelengths. The Doctor puts on his 3D specs. CYBERMAN (CONT'D): This broadcast is for human kind. INT. HOUSE A frightened family huddled in their living room watch this broadcast on the television. CYBERMAN (CONT'D): Cybermen now occupy every land mass on this planet. But you need not fear. Cybermen will remove fear. As the camera pans round, we see that a Cyberman is standing over the family, guarding them. The marching of Cybermen can be heard outside the house. CYBERMAN (CONT'D): Cybermen will remove s*x and class and colour and creed. You will become identical. You will become like us. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET Cybermen emerge from every house along a street in unison. EXT. BRIDGE Chaos on a bridge, people running, screaming, the military shooting at the Cybermen with no effect whatsoever. The Cybermen aim their own weapons, blowing up a truck, killing the soldiers. Finally one soldier manages to hit a Cyberman and it goes up in flames. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor, Jackie, Yvonne and one of the Cybermen observe the proceedings far below from the top of Torchwood Tower. CYBERMAN: I ordered surrender. THE DOCTOR: They're not taking instructions. Don't you understand? You're on every street, you're in their homes. You've got their children. (Angrily). Of course they're gonna fight. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: Which of you is least important? ROSE: What's that supposed to mean? DALEK SEK: Which of you is least important? ROSE: No, we don't work like that. None of us. DALEK SEK: Designate the least important! RAJESH: This is my responsibility. ROSE (holding him back): No, don't! Rajesh ignores her and stands before the Dalek dejectedly. RAJESH: I er, I represent the Torchwood Institute. Anything you need, you... come through me. Leave these two alone. DALEK SEK: You will kneel. RAJESH: What for? DALEK SEK: Kneel. Rajesh kneels. The surrounding Daleks direct their eye stalks onto him. DALEK SEK (CONT'D): The Daleks need information about current Earth history. RAJESH: Yeah well I can give you a certain amount of intelligence but nothing that will compromise Home Land security... DALEK SEK: Speech is not necessary. We will extract brainwaves. The three Daleks advance upon Rajesh and position their suction arms around his head. Rajesh is showing the first signs of fear. RAJESH: Don't... I... I'll tell you everything you need. No. No! He shouts out in agony before the Daleks crush his skull. Mickey makes towards him but Rose holds him back, knowing it's already too late. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN 1: Scans detect unknown technology active within sphere chamber. CYBERMAN 2: Cybermen will investigate. A Cyberman pushes two terrified members of staff roughly before him. CYBERMAN: Units 10 65 and 10 66 will investigate sphere chamber. CYBERMEN: We obey. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Daleks let Rajesh's blackened corpse fall to the ground. DALEK SEK: His mind spoke of a second species invading Earth infected by the superstition of ghosts. ROSE: You didn't need to kill him! DALEK CAAN: Neither did we need him alive. DALEK SEK: Dalek Thay, investigate outside. DALEK THAY: I obey. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Two Cybermen march down a corridor to investigate the sphere chamber. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Dalek Thay leaves the sphere chamber. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: Units open visual link. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR The two Cybermen clamp a fist to the logos on their chests. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER A visual of the area occupied by the two Cybermen appears on Yvonne's laptop. CYBERMAN: Visual contact established. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: Establish visual contact. Lower communications barrier. A projection appears in the area previously occupied by the sphere, showing Dalek Thay's point of view. He meets with the two Cybermen. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor starts as he sees the Dalek for the first time on Yvonne's laptop. DALEK THAY: Identify yourselves. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR CYBERMEN: You will identify first. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER DALEK THAY: State your identity. The Doctor is staring at the image on the laptop, like this is worse than he could have ever imagined. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR CYBERMEN: You will identify first. DALEK THAY: Identify! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER MICKEY: It's like Stephen Hawkins meets the Speaking Clock. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR CYBERMEN: ...illogical, you will modify. DALEK THAY: Daleks do not take orders. CYBERMEN: You have identified as Daleks. DALEK SEK: Outline resembles the inferior species known as "Cybermen". INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JACKIE (to the Doctor, scared of the answer): Rose said about the Daleks. She was terrified of them. What have they done to her, Doctor? Is she dead? The Doctor turns to her with frightening suddenness. THE DOCTOR (through gritted teeth): Phone. JACKIE (whispers): What did you...? THE DOCTOR: Phone! Jackie surreptitiously hands the Doctor her phone so the Cybermen do not notice. The Doctor dials Rose's number and holds the phone to his ear, obviously frantic with worry. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Rose answers her phone, but cannot talk for fear of drawing attention to herself. The Daleks and the Cybermen are bantering all the while. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: She's answered, she's alive. Jackie claps her hands over her mouth. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Why haven't they killed her? JACKIE: Well, don't complain! THE DOCTOR: They must need her for something. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK JAST: We must protect the Genesis Ark. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR (hearing this through the phone): The Genesis Ark? He puts on his 3D glasses and looks at the laptop again. CYBERMAN: Our species our similar, though your design is inelegant. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR DALEK THAY: Daleks have no concept of elegance. CYBERMEN: This is obvious. But consider, our technologies are compatible. Cybermen plus Daleks, together, we could upgrade the Universe. DALEK THAY: You propose an alliance? CYBERMEN: This is correct. DALEK THAY: Request denied. The Cybermen immediately thrust their fists out, ready to shoot. CYBERMEN: Hostile elements will be deleted. They shoot at the Dalek, but the rays simply bounce off its armour. DALEK THAY: Exterminate! The Dalek aims at both Cybermen, one after the other, and they collapse onto the floor. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: Open visual link. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER The Cyberman addresses the Daleks in the sphere chamber through the projection screen. CYBERMAN: Daleks, be warned: you have declared war upon the Cybermen. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Jackie's eyes widen in horror. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: This is not war. This is pest control. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: We have five million Cybermen. How many are you? INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: Four. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?! DALEK SEK: We would destroy the Cybermen with one Dalek. You are superior in only one respect. CYBERMAN: What is that? INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: You are better at dying. Raise communications barrier! The screen goes static. DALEK JAST: Wait! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER THE DOCTOR (clicking the phone off): Lost her. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK JAST: Rewind image by nine rells. The Doctor is in frame in the background. DALEK JAST (CONT'D): Identify grid seven gamma frame. They zoom in on the Doctor. DALEK JAST (CONT'D): This male registers as enemy. Rose beams. DALEK SEK (turning on her): The female's heartbeat has increased. MICKEY: Yeah, tell me about it. DALEK SEK: Identify him. ROSE: All right then... if you really wanna know... that's the Doctor. The Daleks roll backwards sharply. ROSE (CONT'D): Five million Cybermen, easy. One Doctor? Now you're scared. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: Quarantine the Sphere Chamber. Start emergency upgrading. Begin with these personnel. Yvonne struggles and shouts as they drag her away. YVONNE: No, you can't do this! We surrendered! We surrendered! They begin to drag Jackie and the Doctor away too, but then : CYBERMAN: This one's increased adrenaline suggests he has vital Dalek information. Jackie screams back at the Doctor as she is dragged away and he shouts back over her, trying to reassure her. JACKIE: You promised me! You gave me your word! THE DOCTOR (as she is dragged out of sight): I'll think of something! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Dalek Thay enters the sphere chamber. DALEK THAY: Cyber threat irrelevant. Concentrate on the Genesis Ark. The black Dalek, Sek, presses its suction arm to the side of the Genesis Ark. MICKEY (to Rose): Why are we being kept alive? ROSE (after a pause): They might need me. MICKEY: What? What is it? Rose is just staring at the Daleks, fear in her eyes. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR / NEW OFFICES The Cybermen have taken Yvonne and Jackie down to the curtained area. They are marching the personnel behind the curtains to be upgraded. The place is full of screaming and the sound of drills, sparks flying. JACKIE: What happens in there? What's upgrading mean? What do they do? YVONNE (looking and sounding slightly sick): I think... I think they remove the brain... sorry, um... I think they remove the brain and they put it in a suit of armour. That's what these things are. They're us. CYBERMAN: Next. Yvonne is dragged away. JACKIE (shouting after her): This is your fault! You and your Torchwood. You've killed us all! YVONNE (shouting tearfully): I did my duty for Queen and Country. She wrenches her arm away from the Cyberman's grip and faces the area where the humans are being upgraded, steeling herself to walk in. YVONNE (CONT'D) (to herself): I did my duty. I did my duty. Oh, God. I did my duty. She walks in. Jackie winces at the sound of her screams and the sparks flying from behind the curtain. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor is sitting on the window sill in silence. A Cyberman approaches him. CYBERMAN: You are proof. THE DOCTOR: Of what? CYBERMAN: That emotions destroy you. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I am. (Glances to the side). Mind you, I quite like hope. Hope's a good emotion. And here it comes. The Cyberman follows his gaze. A group of people dressed in black suits, wearing helmets and carrying guns appear out of thin air. One of them shouts to the others and they shoot at a row of Cybermen, immediately destroying them. The Doctor rolls out of the way and crouches in a corner of Yvonne's office as the last Cyberman has his head blown off. The man responsible speaks to the Doctor in a familiar voice. JAKE: Doctor, good to see you again. He takes off his helmet, it's Jake. The Doctor's eyes widen. THE DOCTOR: Jake?! JAKE: The Cybermen came through from one world to another, and so did we. The Doctor stares at him, looking more concerned than pleased. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR A Cyberman drags a struggling Jackie along, but lets go of her as he speaks to one of his fellows. CYBERMAN 1: Cyber Leader One has been terminated. CYBERMAN 2: Explain, download shared files. Jackie takes this opportunity to sneak away. CYBERMAN 1: I will be upgraded to Cyber Leader. Jackie dashes down a back stair well as fast as she can. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JAKE (to his group): Defend this room. Chrissie, monitor communications. The Doctor puts on his 3D glasses, using them to look at the group. JAKE (CONT'D): Kill one Cyber Leader and they just download into another. Move! They hurry from the room to do as they're told, leaving the Doctor alone with Jake. THE DOCTOR: You can't just... just... just hop from one world to another. You can't. JAKE: We just did. With these. He chucks the Doctor what looks like a large yellow button on a chain, to be worn around the neck. THE DOCTOR: But that's impossible. You can't have this sort of technology. JAKE: We've got our own version of Torchwood. They developed it. Do you wanna come and see? THE DOCTOR: No! But too late, Jake's pressed the button and they both disappear. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER They reappear in the same room, except it's considerably darker and looks as though there has been a recent struggle. There are wires and equipment strewn all over the floor. JAKE: Parallel Earth, parallel Torchwood. Except we found out what the institute was doing and the people's republic took control. THE DOCTOR (urgently): I've gotta get back. Rose is in danger. And her mother. PETE (walking in followed by two soldiers): That'd be Jackie. The Doctor looks up in surprise. PETE (CONT'D): My wife in a parallel universe. And as for you, Doctor, at least this time I know who you are. THE DOCTOR (running over to him): Right, yes, fine, hooray. But I've gotta get back. Right now. PETE (maddeningly calm): No, you're not in charge here. This is our world, not yours. And you're gonna listen for once. The Doctor looks at him darkly, falling silent. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Whilst the Daleks are crowded around the Genesis Ark, Mickey shows Rose his own yellow button. MICKEY: I could transport out of here, but it only carries one and I'm not leaving you. ROSE: You'd follow me anywhere. What did I do to you all those years ago? MICKEY: Guess I'm just stupid. ROSE (squeezing his hand): You're the bravest man I've ever met. MICKEY: What about the Doctor? ROSE: Oh, all right. Bravest Human. They smile. MICKEY: Well, I can't think what the Daleks need with me. I'm nothing to them. ROSE: You could be... whatever's inside that Ark is waking up and I've seen this happen before. INT. DALEK CELL Flashback to 106. Rose, full of pity, places her hand on the Dalek's armour. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): The first time I saw a Dalek, it was broken. It was dying. But I touched it. The moment I did that... I brought it back to life. The Dalek wrenches free of its chains. End flashback. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER ROSE (CONT'D) (keeping her voice low): As the Doctor said... when you travel in time in the TARDIS, you soak up all this... um... background radiation. It's harmless, it's just there. But in the Time War, the Daleks evolved so they could use it as a power supply. MICKEY (gazing at her): I love it when you talk technical. ROSE: Shut up. If the Daleks have got something inside that thing that needs waking up... MICKEY: They need you. ROSE: You've travelled in time, either one of us would do. MICKEY: But why would they build something they can't open themselves? DALEK SEK (suddenly interjecting): The technology is stolen. The Ark is not of Dalek design. ROSE: Then who built it? DALEK SEK: The Time Lords. This is all that survives of their Home World. The four Daleks are shuffling around the Ark. ROSE: What's inside? DALEK SEK: The future. Rose stares at the Ark and the surrounding Daleks with fearful apprehension. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor is pressed up against the white expanse of wall in the parallel Torchwood, squinting as if trying to hear something. Pete stands behind him. PETE: When you left this world, you warned us there'd be more Cybermen. So we sealed them inside the factories. The Doctor steps away from the wall. JAKE: Except people argued. Said they were living. We should help them. PETE: And the debate went on. But all that time, the Cybermen made plans. Infiltrated this version of Torchwood, mapped themselves onto your world, and then vanished. THE DOCTOR: When was this? PETE: Three years ago. They stroll back down the room. THE DOCTOR: It's taken them three years to cross the void, but we can pop to and fro in a second. Must be the sheer mass of five million Cybermen crossing all at once. PETE : Yeah, Mickey said you'd rattle off that sort of stuff. THE DOCTOR: Oh, where is the Mickey-boy? PETE: He went ahead first. Any chance to go and find Miss Rose Tyler. THE DOCTOR: She's your daughter. You do know that? Did Mickey explain? PETE: She's not mine. She's the child of a dead man. Now they've reached the window. They look down at the scene below. PETE (CONT'D): Look at it. A world of peace. They're calling this "The Golden Age". THE DOCTOR: Who's the President now? PETE: A woman called Harriet Jones. THE DOCTOR (exhales): I'd keep an eye on her. PETE: But it's a lie. Temperatures have risen by two degrees in the past six months. The ice caps are melting. They're saying all this is gonna be flooded. That's not just global warming, is it? THE DOCTOR: No. PETE: It's the breach. THE DOCTOR (irked): I've been trying to tell you, travel between parallel worlds is impossible. Then the Daleks break down the walls with the sphere... PETE: Daleks? THE DOCTOR: Then the Cybermen travelled across, then you lot, those disks, every time you jump from one reality to another, you rip a hole in the universe. This planet is starting to boil. Keep going and both worlds will fall into the Void. PETE: But you can stop it, the famous Doctor...? You can seal the breach? THE DOCTOR: Leaving five million Cybermen stranded on my Earth. PETE: That's your problem. I'm protecting this world, and this world only. THE DOCTOR (laughs softly, looks him up and down): Hm... Pete Tyler... I knew you when you were dead. Now here you are, fighting the fight... alone... (Steps closer to him). There is a chance... back on my world... Jackie Tyler might still be alive. PETE: My wife died. THE DOCTOR: Her husband died. Good match. PETE: There's more important things at stake. (pleading). Doctor... help us. THE DOCTOR (backing away): What? Close the breach? Stop the Cybermen? Defeat the Daleks? Do you believe I can do that? PETE (confidently): Yes. THE DOCTOR: Maybe that's all I need. (grins). Off we go, then! INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor, Jake and Pete appear. The Doctor rushes to the phone. THE DOCTOR: First of all, I need to make a phone call. You don't mind? JAKE (to the soldiers): You two, guard to door. Pete watches the Doctor as he hurriedly dials Jackie's number on the phone in Yvonne's office. INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL Jackie is running down the stairs when her phone rings. JACKIE (answering the phone): Help me! Oh, my God, help me. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: Jackie, you're alive! Listen... He shushes her as she screeches hysterically down the phone at him. JACKIE : They tried to download me but I ran away! THE DOCTOR: Listen, tell me, where are you? INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL JACKIE (still running down the stairs): I don't know! Staircase. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: Yeah, which one? Is there any... any sort of sign? Anything to identify it? JACKIE: Yes! A fire extinguisher! THE DOCTOR: Yeah, that helps... INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL JACKIE (notices a sign on the wall): Oh, wait a minute, it says "N3". INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: North corner, staircase 3. Just keep low, we're trying our best. INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL JACKIE (quickly): No, don't leave me! INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: I've gotta go, I'm sorry. He puts the phone down and turns to Pete. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Tyler. PETE: She's not my wife. THE DOCTOR: I was at the wedding. (accusingly). You got her name wrong. He goes to Jake and takes his gun off him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Now then, Jake-y boy, if I can open up the bonding chamber on this thing, it could work on polycarbide. JAKE: What's polycarbide? THE DOCTOR: Skin of a Dalek. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR A white sheet of A4 paper attached to stick to make a flag pops around the corner and waves comically. The Doctor follows a few seconds later. THE DOCTOR: Sorry. The Cybermen a short way down the corridor spin around to look at him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (apologetically): No white flag. I only had a sheet of A4. Same difference. CYBERMAN (holding his fist before him, ready to shoot): Do you surrender? THE DOCTOR (marching forward to meet the Cyberman): I surrender. Unto you. (They are nose-to-nose). A very good idea. He grins. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER The Daleks back away from the Genesis Ark. DALEK CAAN: Final stage of awakening. DALEK SEK: Your handprint will open the Ark. ROSE : Well tough, 'cos I'm not doing it. DALEK SEK: Obey or the male will die. ROSE (immediately moving towards the Ark): I can't let them. MICKEY: Rose, don't. DALEK SEK: Place your hand upon the casket. ROSE (violently): All right! (Turns to Ark). You're gonna kill us anyway, so what the hell? Playing for time, she turns back to the Dalek, goes to stand right in front of it. ROSE (CONT'D): If you um... escaped the Time War... don't you want to know what happened? DALEK SEK: Place your hand... ROSE: What happened to the Emperor? DALEK SEK: The Emperor survived. ROSE: 'Til he met me... 'cos if these are gonna be my last words, then you're gonna listen. I met the Emperor. And I took the Time Vortex and I pulled it into his head and turned him into dust. Do you get that? The God of all Daleks... and I destroyed him. She gives the Dalek a gloating smile, and laughs. DALEK SEK (furiously): You will be exterminated! THE DOCTOR (from the doorway): Oh now, hold on, wait a minute. DALEK SEK: Alert, alert, you are the Doctor. Rose smiles with delight. The Doctor saunters into the room. He's wearing his 3D specs. DALEK THAY: Sensors report he is unarmed. THE DOCTOR (lightly): That's me. Always. DALEK SEK: Then you are powerless. THE DOCTOR: Not me. (Takes specs off with a flourish). Never. (To Rose). How are you? ROSE (grinning at him): Oh, same old, you know. THE DOCTOR: Good! And Mickity-McMickey! (They bash fists). Nice to see ya! MICKEY: And you, boss. DALEK JAST: Social interaction will cease! DALEK SEK: How did you survive the Time War? THE DOCTOR: By fighting. On the front line. Mickey turns, as if maybe this is the first time he's heard of this. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I was there at the fall of Arcadia. Someday I might even come to terms with that. But you lot, ran away! DALEK SEK: We had to survive. THE DOCTOR: The last four Daleks in existence. So what's so special about you? ROSE (low voice): Doctor, they've got names. And Daleks don't have names, do they? One of them said they... DALEK THAY: I am Dalek Thay. DALEK SEK: Dalek Sek. DALEK JAST: Dalek Jast. DALEK CAAN: Dalek Caan. THE DOCTOR (seemingly delighted): So that's it! At last... the Cult of Skaro. I thought you were just a legend. ROSE: Who are they? THE DOCTOR (strolls around them): A secret order. Above and beyond the Emperor himself. Their job was to imagine. Think as the enemy thinks. Even dared to have names. (Distastefully). All to find new ways of killing. MICKEY (gesturing to the Ark): But that thing, they said it was yours. I mean, Time Lords. They built it. What does it do? THE DOCTOR (glancing at it): I don't know. Never seen it before. ROSE: But it's... Time Lord. THE DOCTOR: Both sides had secrets. (To the Daleks): What is it? What have you done? DALEK SEK: Time Lord science will restore Dalek supremacy. THE DOCTOR: What does that mean? What sort of Time Lord science? What do you mean? ROSE: They said one touch from a time traveller will wake it up. THE DOCTOR: Technology using the one thing a Dalek can't do. (Dalek POV). Touch. Sealed inside your casing. Not feeling anything... ever... from birth to death, locked inside a cold metal cage. (Whispers). Completely alone. And that explains your voice. No wonder you scream. DALEK SEK: The Doctor will open the Ark! The Doctor laughs contemptuously. THE DOCTOR: The Doctor will not. DALEK SEK: You have no way of resisting. THE DOCTOR: Well... you got me there. Although... there is always this. He takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. DALEK SEK: A sonic probe? THE DOCTOR: That's "screwdriver". DALEK SEK (scornfully): It is harmless. THE DOCTOR: Oh yes. Harmless is just the word. That's why I like it. Doesn't kill, doesn't wound, doesn't maim. But I'll tell you what it does do, it is very good at opening doors. He activates the screwdriver, and immediately, the doors explode inwards. Jake, his men, and the Cybermen leap into action, firing their guns at the Daleks. CYBERMAN: Delete! Delete! Delete! Delete! DALEK CAAN: Alert! Casing impact, casing impact! The Doctor and Rose have flung themselves to the ground, trying to avoid the guns. THE DOCTOR: Rose, get out! Rose makes towards the door but stumbles. DALEK SEK: Fire power insufficient! Fire power insufficient! Pete helps Rose to her feet; she's surprised to see him there but obviously there's no time for him to explain. They make for the door. Mickey picks up a gun and starts firing anywhere. CYBERMAN: Daleks will be deleted. Delete! Delete! The Doctor manages to reach Rose and Pete where they stand in the doorway, out of harms way. ROSE (yelling to Mickey who is still in the midst of the havoc): Mickey, come on! DALEK THAY: Adapt to weaponry! DALEK SEK: Fire power restored! The Dalek fires once at a Cyberman, immediately destroying it. Jake manages to reach the door, but Mickey loses his footing and accidentally places his hand upon the Genesis Ark, leaving a red hot mark there. He dashes for the door. DALEK SEK (CONT'D): Cybermen primary target. Mickey winces in pain as he looks at his hand. The rest of Jake's men manage to slip through the door before it closes, sealing both the Daleks and the Cybermen inside. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR THE DOCTOR: Jake, check the stairwell. The rest of you, come on! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Inside, the Daleks finish off two more of the Cybermen. The Doctor and his friends run, Mickey brandishing the gun as he goes. Steam pours from the gaps in the Genesis Ark. DALEK SEK: Cybermen have been exterminated. Daleks are supreme. DALEK JAST: The Genesis Ark is primed. DALEK SEK: The Ark needs area of thirteen square miles. Move! The Ark glides smoothly across the floor. DALEK JAST: Genesis Ark mobile! INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Mickey, Rose and the Doctor are running down a corridor. MICKEY (referring to his touching the Ark): I just fell, I didn't mean it! THE DOCTOR: Mickey, without us, they'd have opened it by force. To do that, they'd have blown up the sun. You've done us a favour! (He kisses the top of Mickey's head). Now, run! INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL Jackie is still hurrying down the stairs. She comes to an abrupt halt, Cybermen approaching from the bottom of the stairs. She starts running back up again, then exits the stairwell. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Jackie starts down a corridor. She yelps as she comes face to face with two Cybermen. CYBERMAN: You will be upgraded. JACKIE (whimpers): No, but you can't! Please... The Cybermen are shot from behind, they fall to the ground, dead, to reveal Pete aiming a gun behind them. He is accompanied by the Doctor, Rose and Mickey. Jackie squints through the smoke clouding him, uncomprehending, then her eyes widen as she realises... JACKIE (CONT'D): Pete! In the background, Rose's hands go to her mouth. PETE: Hello, Jacks. JACKIE (she's almost annoyed, her tone plaintive): I said there were ghosts, but that's not fair. Why him? PETE: I'm not a ghost. JACKIE : But you're dead. You died twenty years ago, Pete. THE DOCTOR (stepping forward tentatively in an attempt to explain): It's Pete from a different Universe. There are parallel worlds, Jackie. Every single decision we make creates a parallel existence, a different dimension where... JACKIE: Oh, you can shut up. And for once, the Doctor does, stepping back into the background. Pete smiles. JACKIE (CONT'D) (gazing at Pete): Oh... you look old. PETE: You don't. JACKIE: How can you be standing there? PETE: Just got lucky... lived my life. You were left on your own. You didn't marry again, or...? JACKIE (quietly): There was never anyone else. The Doctor and Mickey smirk. JACKIE (CONT'D): Twenty years, though. Look at me, I never left that flat. Did nothing with myself. PETE: Brought her up. Rose Tyler. The Doctor and Mickey smile. PETE (CONT'D): That's not bad. JACKIE (whispers): Yeah. PETE: In my world, it worked. All those daft little plans of mine. They worked. Made me rich. JACKIE: I don't care about that. (pause). How rich? PETE: Very. JACKIE: I don't care about that. How very? Pete laughs. Rose rolls her eyes and the Doctor smiles fondly. PETE: Thing is though, Jacks, you're... you're not my wife. I'm sorry, but you're not. I mean, we both... Jackie nods. He looks at her, fighting it. PETE (CONT'D): You know, it's just sort of... (He gives in and starts towards her). Oh, come here. They run to meet each other, Jackie starting to cry. He sweeps her off the ground in a huge hug. INT. TORCHWOOD, FACTORY FLOOR The Daleks burst through the doors of the factory floor to meet rows of Cybermen. DALEK SEK: Exterminate! CYBERMEN: Delete! They fire at each other, the Cybermen's rays bouncing off the Dalek's armour, but the Dalek's exterminator beams a lot more effective. Cries of "delete! " and "exterminate! " fill the air, along with the shouts of the surrounding soldiers who are shooting at both parties. The Daleks accompany the Ark. CYBERMAN: Emergency, all units will converge on the Torchwood Tower. EXT. STREET In answer to him, Cybermen march out into the road as one, and start in the direction of Canary Wharf. CYBERMAN (CONT'D) (voice-over): Repeat, all Cybermen to Torchwood. The frightened families stand outside their houses as they watch the Cybermen leave. EXT. TORCHWOOD, FACTORY FLOOR The Doctor opens the door to where the battle between the Cybermen and the Daleks is taking place, peering into the lab, waiting for the right moment to enter. He dives into the room, watched anxiously by Rose who winces every time a beam passes near him. The Doctor picks up two of the magnaclamps, using them to deflect the rays from himself. He makes back towards the door with them, dodging the beams. He trips over a Cyberman's body. ROSE (whispers): Come on, please. The Doctor quickly gets to his feet and slips through the door to safety. Rose closes it after him. After a few moments, it opens again, and the Doctor's head peers around. This time, he's wearing the 3D specs. DALEK SEK: Override roof mechanism. The roof begins to open slowly. DALEK SEK: El-ev-ate. ROSE (watching): What're they doing? Why'd they need to get outside?! THE DOCTOR (baffled): Time Lord science... What Time Lord science? (Takes specs off). What is it? Dalek Sek elevates through the ceiling into the open air with the Ark. The Doctor shuts the door. EXT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR He runs back down the corridor, shouting to the others as he goes. THE DOCTOR: We've gotta see what it's doing, we've gotta go back up! Come on! All of you! Top floor! JACKIE: That's forty-five floors up! Believe me, I've done 'em all. JAKE (popping his head out of the lift): We could always take the lift... EXT. CANARY WHARF As the Dalek rises up the side of Canary Wharf, the lift rises to the top floor. DALEK SEK: The Genesis Ark will open. The Ark opens slowly to reveal a Dalek. The Ark begins to spin. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor and the others finally step out of the lift on the top floor and rush to the window, the Doctor dumping the magnaclamps down on Yvonne's desk as he goes. As the Genesis Ark spins, Daleks shoot out of it, more and more of them. The Doctor stares in horror. THE DOCTOR: Time Lord science... it's bigger on the inside. MICKEY: Did Time Lords put those Daleks in there? What for? THE DOCTOR: It's a prison ship. ROSE: How many Daleks? THE DOCTOR: Millions. EXT. CANARY WHARF The Daleks spread out over London. EXT. STREET The Cybermen march down a street. Then they stop as one, and fire their weapons up into the air at the Daleks. This has absolutely no effect on the Daleks. DALEK SEK: Exterminate all life forms below. Ex-ter-min-ate! The Daleks fire at the terrified people running below them. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER PETE (walking away from the window): I'm sorry, but you've had it. This world's gonna crash and burn. There's nothing we can do. We're going home. Jacks, take this. He tosses her one of the yellow buttons. JACKIE: But they're destroying the City! PETE (affectionately): I'd forgotten you could argue. He loops the button around her neck himself. PETE (CONT'D): It's not just London, it's the whole world. He takes her face in his hands, making her look at him. PETE (CONT'D): But there's another world, just waiting for you, Jacks. And it's safe. As long as the Doctor closes the breach. Doctor? The Doctor turns from the window with his 3D specs on and a big grin. THE DOCTOR (gleefully): Oh, I'm ready. I've got the equipment right here. Thank you, Torchwood! He dashes to a computer. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Slam it down and close off both universes. COMPUTER: Reboot systems. ROSE: But we can't just leave. What about the Daleks? And the Cybermen...? The Doctor stands. THE DOCTOR : They're part of the problem. And that makes them part of the solution. Oh yes! Rose laughs nervously. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (he seems to have acquired a new lease of life): Well?! Isn't anyone gonna ask? What is it with the glasses? ROSE (grinning): What is it with the glasses? THE DOCTOR: I can see! That's what! 'Cos we've got two separate worlds, but in-between the two separate worlds, we've got the Void. That's where the Daleks were hiding. And the Cybermen travelled through the Void to get here! And you lot, one world to another, via the Void! Oh, I like that. Via the Void! Look! He presses the glasses onto Rose's face. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I've been through it. Do you see? He dodges about so Rose can see, with the aid of the glasses, that he is surrounded by floating green and red particles. She reaches out to try and touch them. COMPUTER: Reboot in three minutes. THE DOCTOR: Void stuff. ROSE: Like um... background radiation! THE DOCTOR: That's it. Look at the others. Rose turns to look at Jake, Mickey, Jackie and Pete. Jackie is the only one not surrounded by the "Void Stuff". THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (pointing): The only one who hasn't been through the Void, your mother. First time she's looked normal in her life. Rose giggles. JACKIE: Oi! The Doctor dashes into the clear white area, Rose following. THE DOCTOR: The Daleks lived inside the Void. They're bristling with it. Cybermen, all of them. I just open the Void, end of verse. The Void stuff gets sucked back inside. ROSE (just as enthusiastically): Pulling them all in. THE DOCTOR: Pulling them all in! MICKEY: Sorry... what's... what's the Void? THE DOCTOR: The dead space. Some people call it "Hell". MICKEY (looping the button around his neck): So... you're sending the Daleks and Cybermen to Hell. (To Jake): Man, I told you he was good. ROSE (who's been looking around with the glasses): But it's... like you said, we've all got Void stuff. Me too, 'cos we went to that parallel world. She flexes her fingers, examining the particles floating around them. She pulls the glasses off. The Doctor stands before her. ROSE (CONT'D) (to the Doctor): We're all contaminated. We'll get pulled in. THE DOCTOR: That's why you've gotta go. COMPUTER: Reboot in two minutes. Rose stares at him, uncomprehending. THE DOCTOR: Back to Pete's world. (points at Pete). Hey, we should call it that: Pete's World.(He turns back to Rose). I'm opening the Void, but only on this side. You'll be safe on that side. Rose continues to stare at him. PETE: And then you close it. For good? THE DOCTOR: The breach itself is soaked in Void Stuff, in the end it'll close itself. And that's it. Kaput. Rose is just starting to realise what this means. ROSE: But you stay on this side...? MICKEY: But you'll get pulled in. The Doctor holds Rose's gaze for a moment before he runs over to the magnaclamps. Rose stays put, looking like she's been slapped around the face. THE DOCTOR: That's why... I got these. I'll just have to hold on tight, I've been doing it all my life. ROSE: I'm supposed to go. THE DOCTOR: Yeah. ROSE: To another world, and then it gets sealed off. THE DOCTOR: Yeah. It's obvious he doesn't want to talk about this. He goes to another of the computers. ROSE: Forever. (Laughs at the absurdity of the idea). That's not gonna happen. A crash from outside shakes the building. PETE (briskly): We haven't got time to argue, the plans works, we go in. You too. All of us. ROSE (angrily): No, I'm not leaving him! JACKIE: I'm not going without her. PETE: Oh, my God. We're going. JACKIE: I've had twenty years without you, so button it. I'm not leaving her. ROSE (turning her around): You've got to. JACKIE (voice rising): Well, that's tough! ROSE: Mum... COMPUTER: Reboot in one minute. ROSE (voice trembling with suppressed tears as she speaks in soft tones): I've had a life with you for nineteen years. But then I met the Doctor and... all the things I've seen him do for me. For you. For all of us. For the whole... stupid planet and every planet out there. He does it alone, mum. Behind her, the Doctor is watching her with terrible sadness in his eyes as he silently takes a button on a chain out of his pocket. ROSE (CONT'D): But not anymore. (Backs away from Jackie, towards the Doctor). 'Cos now he's got me. The Doctor loops the chain around Rose's neck. ROSE (CONT'D): What're you...? Pete quickly presses the button. They all disappear, leaving the Doctor alone and gazing at the place Rose was with a heavy heart. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The others reappear in the parallel Torchwood. Rose looks around. ROSE (under her breath): Oh no you don't. He's not doing that to me again. She presses down on the button. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rose reappears. ROSE (CONT'D): I think this is the on switch... The Doctor starts. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Pete snatches Jackie's button away from her before she can press it. JACKIE: But I've gotta go back! PETE (forcefully): The Doctor said every time we use one of these, it damages the whole world. Now that's it. JACKIE: She's your daughter! PETE: She's your daughter, not mine. He walks away, snatching Mickey's button away. JACKIE (desperately): Mickey, tell him. Tell him, Mickey! Mickey! Mickey does not respond. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor grabs Rose roughly by the shoulders, stooping slightly so he can look straight into her eyes. THE DOCTOR (as if trying to drum sense into her): Once the breach collapses, that's it. You will never be able to see her again. Your own mother! ROSE (calmly, although her voice trembles): I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never gonna leave you. The Doctor stares at her for a moment, stunned. Then he releases his grip. ROSE (CONT'D): So what can I do to help? COMPUTER: Systems rebooted. Open access. Rose stubbornly holds the Doctor's gaze. He finally gives in. THE DOCTOR (pointing to a computer): Those co-ordinates over there, set them all at six. Rose does as she's told. He watches her walk to the computer. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (he sounds almost angry): And hurry up. Rose leans over the computer, taking her button from around her neck and glancing at the Doctor nervously. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JACKIE (pushing Pete away): Get away from me! She breaks down into tears, her hands over her eyes. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER ROSE (looking the computer): We've got Cybermen on the way up. THE DOCTOR (running to look): How many floors down? ROSE: Just one. The screen shows the Cybermen marching up the stairwell. INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL CYBERMAN: We will retreat through the breach. Regain the Home World. A Cyberman appears at the top of the stairs, pointing a gun at the others. When it speaks, Yvonne's voice is discernable through the Cyber-tones. CYBERMAN / YVONNE: You will not pass. CYBERMAN: What is the meaning of this? CYBERMAN / YVONNE: You will not pass. She pulls the trigger, destroying the other Cybermen with a bright ray of white light. CYBERMAN / YVONNE (CONT'D): I did my duty for Queen and Country. I did my duty for Queen and Country. I did my duty for Queen and Country. She sheds a single black tear. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor taps in a command on the laptop. COMPUTER: Levers operational. The Doctor grins. ROSE (cheered by this): That's more like it, bit of a smile! The old team...! THE DOCTOR (picking up a magnaclamp and going to her): Hope and Glory, Mutt and Jeff, Shiver and Shake! ROSE: Which one's Shiver? THE DOCTOR: Oh, I'm Shake. He dumps the Magnaclamp on her. Next moment, they've both attached them to the wall next to the levers on opposite sides of the room. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Press the red button. Rose does so. EXT. CANARY WHARF DALEK (still in the air): Breach active. It is the Doctor! Exterminate him! Four of the Daleks swoop towards Torchwood Tower, with cries of "exterminate! ". INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR (speaking very fast): When it starts, just hold on tight. Shouldn't be too bad for us but the Daleks and the Cybermen are steeped in Void Stuff. Are you ready? They get into their positions beside the levers. ROSE (staring out of the window): So are they. The Daleks appear at the window. THE DOCTOR: Let's do it! They push the levers upwards and then hurriedly take hold of the magnaclamps. COMPUTER: Online. The area is filled with the white light once more, but this time, there's also the sound of a strong wind. The Daleks are sucked through the window, smashing through the glass as they are pulled into the white light and back to the Void. Rose and the Doctor hold on to the clamps tightly, struggling to hold on. THE DOCTOR (shouting over the wind): The breach is open! Into the Void! Ha! EXT. LONDON / INDIA / PARIS Cybermen all over the world are lifted into the air and they zoom across the land to Torchwood Tower, along with millions of Daleks, all shrieking, all powerless. They hurtle into the Void. EXT. CANARY WHARF DALEK SEK: Emergency temporal shift! He vanishes. The Genesis Ark is sucked into Torchwood Tower. People are starting to come out of their hiding places to watch. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rose smiles across at the Doctor as they are billowed by the wind. Suddenly, their is a small explosion of sparks and the lever on Rose's side moves back into the off position. The smiles fade from their faces. COMPUTER: Offline. THE DOCTOR: Turn it on! The suction is starting to ease. Rose reaches for the lever whilst trying to maintain her grip on the clamp, but it is just slightly too far away. She strains to reach it, eventually falling onto it. The Doctor watches, full of dread. Rose whimpers as she struggles with the lever. ROSE: I've gotta get it upright! Rose pushes the lever upwards, groaning with the effort. Finally, she manages to push the lever upright. The Doctor watches with his heart in his mouth. COMPUTER: Online and locked. The suction increases once more. But now, Rose has nothing to hold on to but the lever. THE DOCTOR (shouting in desperation): Rose, hold on! But the Void pulls at her, making it near impossible for her to keep her grip. She winces and cries out with the effort. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (screaming now): Hold on! Rose moans, her strength almost spent, the Doctor stares at her in absolute terror, horribly powerless, reaching out to her in vain. With one last cry, Rose's grip finally slips. She is pulled inexorably towards the Void, crying out. The Doctor screams her name as she is pulled away from him. Pete appears the moment before she reaches the breach and she falls into his arms. Rose has time only to glance over her shoulder at the Doctor before she and Pete vanish. The Doctor stares at the place where they disappeared, breathing very heavily. The breach closes itself. The wind dies down, leaving the place silent. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER In the parallel Torchwood, Rose hammers on the wall. ROSE (hysterical): Take me back! Take me back! She breaks down into tears of raw grief, slamming her fists against the wall like there's nothing else. ROSE (CONT'D) (through her tears): Take me back... Pete takes his button from around his neck and looks at it for a moment. PETE: It's stopped working. He did it. He closed the breach. ROSE (sobbing, hands pressed against the wall): No... INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor walks slowly up to the wall on his side. He lays one palm flat against it, and then rests his head there, empty. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER As if she senses his presence there, Rose suddenly presses her cheek against the wall as though listening for him, palm matching his. They stay that way for a long moment, just feeling each other. Another sob escapes from Rose. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor finally lets his hand slide down the wall. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rose does the same, as if she knows he's no longer there, feeling the loss as potently as if they had really been touching. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor turns from the wall, expressionless. He walks away. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rose leans against the wall, wiping the tears from her eyes. The only three people she has left, Pete, Jackie, Mickey, watch her uncomfortably, at a loss for words. Jackie takes both their hands. At last, Rose turns away, her face soaked with tears. Fade to black. THE DOCTOR (voice-over. Whispers): Rose. INT. TYLERS' MANSION, ROSE'S BEDROOM Rose is asleep in bed. ROSE (voice-over. She sounds desolate, depressed): Last night I had a dream. THE DOCTOR (voice-over, whispers): Rose... ROSE (voice-over): I heard a voice and it was calling my name. Rose opens her eyes and sits bolt upright. THE DOCTOR (voice-over): Rose... Rose... Rose. INT. TYLER'S MANSION, SITTING ROOM Still in their pyjamas, Rose, Jackie, Pete and Mickey sit around a roaring fire as Rose relates her dream to them. ROSE: I had a dream, um... (voice-over): I told mum and dad and Mickey. Anyone else would think I was mad. But not those three. They believed it. Because they've met the Doctor. So they listened to the dream. He was calling me, and... The three of them listen to her intently. EXT. TYLER'S MANSION, DRIVEWAY It is still dark when the four of them leave the house, fully dressed. ROSE (voice-over): And that night, we packed up... They load their luggage into the boot and jump into the car. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): Got into dad's old Jeep and off we went. They drive away into the night. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): Just like the dream said. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD It is daylight now, and they're driving down a long country road. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): Followed the voice... across the water... kept on driving hundreds and hundreds of miles. Because he's calling. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY THE DOCTOR (voice-over): Rose... Now they stand on a deserted, bleak beach. Pete, Jackie and Mickey stand by the Jeep as Rose walks across the sand as though looking for something. ROSE (voice-over): Here I am at last. And this is the story of how I died. Rose comes to a halt in the middle of the beach and stands there, waiting. A short way to her left, the Doctor fades out of thin air. Rose turns to him. He's slightly translucent. ROSE: Where are you? THE DOCTOR (his voice sounds distant): Inside the TARDIS. INT. TARDIS The Doctor is, in reality, standing by the TARDIS console facing straight ahead. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): There's one tiny little gap in the universe left, just about to close. And it takes a lot of power to send this projection, I'm in orbit around a super nova. (Laughs softly). I'm burning up a sun just to say goodbye. Sure enough, the TARDIS is spinning around a beautiful super nova. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY ROSE (shaking her head): You look like a ghost. THE DOCTOR: Hold on... He takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. INT. TARDIS He points the sonic screwdriver at the console and somehow this strengthens his projection. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY The Doctor now looks as solid as if he were really there. Rose walks over to him and raises a hand to touch his face. ROSE: Can I t...? THE DOCTOR (regretfully): I'm still just an image. No touch. ROSE (voice trembling): Can't you come through properly? THE DOCTOR: The whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse. ROSE (only half joking): So? The Doctor smiles and they watch each other for a few moments before the Doctor looks around at their surroundings. THE DOCTOR: Where are we? Where did the gap come out? ROSE: We're in Norway. THE DOCTOR: Norway. Right. ROSE: About fifty miles out of Bergen. It's called "Darlig Ulv Stranden". THE DOCTOR (surprised): Dalek? ROSE: Darl-IG. It's Norwegian for "bad". The Doctor continues to stare at her, brow furrowed. ROSE (CONT'D): This translates as "Bad Wolf Bay". They laugh at the irony of this, but sober almost immediately. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice cracking): How long have we got? THE DOCTOR: About two minutes... ROSE (almost laughing at the absurdity of this): I can't think of what to say! The Doctor laughs too, then glances over at where Jackie, Pete and Mickey are waiting by the Jeep. THE DOCTOR: You've still got Mr. Mickey, then? ROSE: There's five of us now. Mum, dad, Mickey... and the baby. THE DOCTOR (taken-aback): You're not...? ROSE: No. (Laughs). It's mum. The Doctor laughs with some relief and looks over at Jackie. ROSE (CONT'D): She's three months gone. More Tylers on the way. THE DOCTOR: And what about you? Are you...? ROSE: Yeah, I'm... I'm back working in the shop. THE DOCTOR (nods): Oh, good for you. Rose laughs and for a moment it's just like old times. ROSE: Shut up. No, I'm not. There's still a Torchwood on this planet, it's open for business. (Tears up again). I think I know a thing or two about aliens. THE DOCTOR (so proud): Rose Tyler. Defender of the Earth. Another lingering look between the two of them. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You're dead, officially, back home. So many people died that day and you've gone missing. You're on a list of the dead. Rose begins to cry quietly. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Here you are. (Smiles). Living a life day after day. The one adventure I can never have. ROSE (sobbing in earnest now): Am I ever gonna see you again? THE DOCTOR (quietly, and so, so sorry): You can't. ROSE: What're you gonna do? THE DOCTOR: Oh, I've got the TARDIS. Same old life. Last of the Time Lords. ROSE: On your own? The Doctor nods silently, still watching her with compassion. Rose surveys him, hopelessly heartbroken, tears falling thick and fast. ROSE (CONT'D): I lo... She chokes with tears before she can finish her sentence. She takes a moment to regain her composure, and then : ROSE (CONT'D): I love you. Another shuddering sob escapes her. The Doctor gazes at her with heart-rending tenderness and devotion. THE DOCTOR (softly): Quite right, too. Rose nods, smiling at him through her tears. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (gazing at her): And I suppose... if it's one last chance to say it... He pauses a moment, eyes locked with hers. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Rose Tyler... But their time is up. He fades away into nothingness. Rose is left alone. She screws up her face against the pain, sobbing into her hands. INT. TARDIS The Doctor stands alone in the TARDIS, eyes filled with tears which are spilling down his cheeks, his mouth already open to form the words he never got to say. He swallows hard, closing his eyes with a heavy heart. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY Rose turns back to her family, weeping inconsolably. Jackie, full of concern, runs across the beach to embrace her daughter. Rose buries her head in her mum's shoulder, utterly wretched. INT. TARDIS The Doctor rubs his hands over his eyes, wiping the tears away. He takes a deep breath and then turns his attention to the TARDIS console, pushing the buttons and levers as he walks slowly around it without any of his former enthusiasm. Suddenly, he looks up, eyes wide with shock. Standing by the door, with her back to him, is a bride. THE DOCTOR (aghast): What? The bride turns around to see him standing there. She yelps with surprise. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (even more confused): What?! BRIDE (disdainfully): Who are you? THE DOCTOR (looking around, dumbfounded): But... BRIDE: Where am I? THE DOCTOR: What?! BRIDE (yells): What the hell is this place? THE DOCTOR: What?!
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THE SEEDS OF DOOM BY ROBERT BANKS STEWART PART ONE 6:00pm - 6:25pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, EXT: ANTARCTICA (The wind blows and the snow falls in the Antarctic region. Icebergs bob up and down within the rough ocean. In blizzard-like conditions, a man with heavy-weather clothing is kneeling in the snow by a wall, digging with a small pickaxe. Another man joins him, wearing similar clothes. He kneels and communicates with his companion, necessarily shouting because of the howling wind. The two men are Charles Winlett, and Derek Moberley, workers on an Antarctic research station.) MOBERLEY: Come on Charles, we've got enough samples, surely! WINLETT: This isn't ice - this is something else. Have a look. (He reaches down and extracts a small round object, frozen with ice and snow, but unrecognizable to both men.) MOBERLEY: What is it? WINLETT: Don't know! Let's get it back to camp. (They both stand up ready to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (After an exterior shot of the research station, the round object is being examined on a table by the third member of the research team, John Stevenson. He scrapes away the excess ice to reveal a solid, rough, dark green pod or egg. Moberley and Winlett enter.) MOBERLEY: Animal, vegetable, or mineral? STEVENSON: Vegetable. WINLETT: Yes, that's what we thought. (Stevenson holds up the pod on a tray in front of them.) STEVENSON: The cutaneous creasing is unmistakable. When it's properly thawed out I can...confirm it with a cytology test. (Winlett is prodding the pod with a scalpel.) WINLETT: The skin looks as hard as iron. STEVENSON: Yes, it is a bit of a cannonball. How deep in the permafrost was it? WINLETT: About the er... 9th layer. MOBERLEY: And that means it's been there for ooh...20 thousand years? What do you make of it, John? STEVENSON: Nothing at all yet. MOBERLEY (joking): Oh, and I thought you were meant to be a botanist. STEVENSON: I've not seen anything remotely like it. WINLETT: It looks tropical to me, like a gourd. MOBERLEY: Oh rubbish Charles. If it's from the late Pleistocene period, it can't be tropical. It's a few million years since this part of Antarctica was rainforest. WINLETT: Oh that's the accepted theory. Discoveries like this have destroyed accepted theories before now. Isn't that right, John? (Stevenson is far less casual about the situation than the others. Without even listening to Winlett, he hesitantly touches the pod a few times with his finger. Winlett tries to get his attention but he seems distracted and confused.) WINLETT: ...John? STEVENSON: ...hmm? Sorry. MOBERLEY: Is something wrong? STEVENSON: ...Don't you feel it? MOBERLEY: Feel what? STEVENSON: I don't know - there's something... odd...something...you don't feel it? MOBERLEY (laughing): It must be that rice pudding you had for lunch! (Winlett laughs, but Stevenson doesn't. He steps closer to Moberley.) STEVENSON: I'm not joking. ... It's alive. That's it. It's alive. MOBERLEY: Are you serious?! STEVENSON: Yes. WINLETT: How can you tell? STEVENSON: I don't know - but I'm certain that this is a living organism. (Moberley breaks the intense atmosphere.) MOBERLEY: ...Yes well I think we should have some coffee. WINLETT: Coffee and a game of three-handed crib. Come on! (He takes Stevenson around the shoulders and leads him off. Stevenson doesn't relax, and he turns back to look at the pod.) STEVENSON: I'll transmit pictures to London, they might have some idea. WINLETT: John, come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: WORLD ECOLOGY BUREAU - OFFICE (A man in a suit is getting a file from a cabinet. He is Richard Dunbar of the World Ecology Bureau.) DUNBAR: Sir Colin insists that I show you these photographs which have just been received from my expedition. (As the camera follows him, it shows that it is the Doctor whom Dunbar is talking to. He is sitting on Dunbar's desk and he seems more interested in his yo-yo than what Dunbar is saying.) DUNBAR: Personally, I don't think you can help us. DOCTOR: Don't you? Well... (Dunbar reluctantly hands him the file. Dunbar looks around uncomfortably.) DOCTOR: Do sit down, Mr. Dunbar. (Unable to sit in his own chair as the Doctor would be almost on top of him, he walks all the way around the far side of the desk and sits in the chair usually provided for the visitors.) DUNBAR: These pictures have baffled all the experts. The only reasonable explanation seems to be that the pod is from some extinct species of plant. (The Doctor spins around to face Dunbar, he sits in Dunbar's chair and there is a bang as he rests his boots on Dunbar's desk. He doesn't look up from the file.) DOCTOR: Have you considered an alternative explanation. DUNBAR: Name one. DOCTOR: Well...that it might have originated in outer space. DUNBAR (amused): My dear Doctor, if you've seen anything like that before, you must have a very powerful telescope. DOCTOR (unimpressed): Mr. Dunbar, how long is it since there was vegetation in Antarctica? DUNBAR: I thought you were the expert in these matters. Well as a matter of fact, that's one of the things our expedition is trying to discover. It was found fairly deep in the permafrost; say...20-30 thousand years under the ice... DOCTOR: Ssh. It might still be ticking. DUNBAR: What? (The Doctor suddenly seems interested and he stands up abruptly, walking around the desk.) DOCTOR: A time-bomb, Mr. Dunbar, a time-bomb. Are you in contact with the expedition? DUNBAR: My superior, Sir Colin Thackeray has a daily video link. Ten minutes of satellite time. DOCTOR: Good. Tell them to keep a constant guard upon the pod, and not to touch it until I arrive. DUNBAR: You're leaving immediately? DOCTOR: Why not? I've got my toothbrush. (He turns around and for some reason has a toothbrush in his hand. He starts to leave but ducks back in for a few more words.) DOCTOR: Remember, no touch pod - could be dangerous. (He shuts the door. Dunbar stares incredulously after him for a while, then turns to his desk and picks up a phone.) DUNBAR: Sir Colin? Dunbar here. That chap you called in from UNIT - is he quite sane?! [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (Stevenson measures the pod with a pair of pincers. He looks worried about the measurement and mutters to himself. He gets up and goes to the door.) STEVENSON: Charles? WINLETT (oov): Yes? STEVENSON: Here a minute. (Winlett enters and they walk over to the table to look at the pod.) WINLETT: What's up? STEVENSON: It's growing. WINLETT: Eh? STEVENSON: It's grown five centimetres since this morning. WINLETT: Are you sure? STEVENSON: Check it yourself if you don't believe me. WINLETT: But it doesn't seem possible. STEVENSON: I knew there was still life there - I said so didn't I? WINLETT: But it's just a pod, I mean...no root system. How can it grow without feeding? STEVENSON: Sunlight, Charles - ultra-violet radiation. WINLETT: But plants need nitrogen. STEVENSON: I believe this is fundamentally different. ... We may be cultivating something that is going to...shatter all our ideas about plant growth. WINLETT: Yes, well er...don't get carried away John. (He gets up and starts to leave.) WINLETT: Remember what London said. STEVENSON: What do you mean? WINLETT: That we leave this thing alone. (Stevenson looks annoyed and walks over to Winlett.) STEVENSON: Until this Doctor character arrives, why should we? It's our pod. WINLETT: John, we're working for the World Ecology Bureau. STEVENSON: Oh he's probably some old crank that Thackeray's dug up out of retirement! He'd have no more idea about the pod than we have. WINLETT: We'll soon find out, he's due in tomorrow. STEVENSON: And who needs him. It's our discovery. The less said about it the better. [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: CHASE ESTATE - NURSERY (There is a shot of a large mansion. Inside, a butler, Hargreaves, is showing a man into a nursery. The man is Dunbar. He carries a suitcase. They approach the main part of the nursery, where a small man in a suit can be seen with his back to them. Hargreaves announces Dunbar.) HARGREAVES: Mr. Dunbar, of the World Ecology Bureau, sir. (Hargreaves leaves. Dunbar waits for the man to turn around. Harrison Chase, owner of the mansion, is a small eccentric man wearing a black suit and black gloves. Finally deciding to notice Dunbar, he walks towards him.) CHASE: I don't think I've had the pleasure. And what is your bureau doing about bonsai? DUNBAR: Bonsai, Mr. Chase? CHASE: Mutilation and torture, Mr. Dunbar. The hideous, grotesque Japanese practice of miniaturizing shrubs and trees. What is your bureau doing about that? DUNBAR: Well...I... CHASE: No answer. You are concerned about the fate of the blue whale, and the natterjack toad - and the loveliest, most defenceless part of creation; the great kingdom of plant life receives no protection at all. DUNBAR: We try to conserve all the endangered species. CHASE: I'm delighted to hear that, Mr. Dunbar. Of course you know of my concern...my mission: to protect the plant life of Mother Earth? DUNBAR: I do, Mr. Chase - which is why I've come to show you something. A totally new kind of plant. (Dunbar opens his suitcase and retrieves some photographs.) CHASE (angry): Hybrids! A crime against nature! DUNBAR: No, not a hybrid. It's a mysterious unidentified pod recently discovered by one of our expeditions. (He hands the suddenly interested Chase the photographs.) CHASE (excited): Where was this found? DUNBAR: There's a theory that it's floated through space from some other biosphere. The really important thing is, it may be still viable and able to germinate. CHASE: Mr. Dunbar. I asked you where this pod was found. DUNBAR: In the Antarctic. Now in our violent and uncertain world, Mr. Chase, anything could happen. Such a valuable specimen could easily disappear...for a price? CHASE: Where in the Antarctic? I should want to know the precise location. (Dunbar gets an envelope from his pocket and hands it to Chase. Chase walks over and picks up a column-shaped object, an intercom of some sort.) CHASE: Hargreaves? HARGREAVES (oov): Yes, sir? CHASE: You and Mr. Scorby please. HARGREAVES (oov): Certainly sir. (He puts down the intercom. He opens the envelope as Dunbar approaches behind him.) DUNBAR: X marks the spot. CHASE: Forethought and initiative, Mr. Dunbar, two excellent attributes. We shall meet again very soon to discuss your...remuneration. DUNBAR: You're very kind. (There is a knock on the door.) CHASE: Come. (Hargreaves enters with a tall, tough-looking man.) HARGREAVES: Yes, sir? CHASE: Hargreaves, show Mr. Dunbar out. HARGREAVES: This way, Mr. Dunbar. (They leave.) SCORBY: You wanted to see me, Mr. Chase? CHASE: Yes, Scorby. I'm sending you on a little errand, and I want you to take Mr. Keeler with you. [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (The pod sits in its place on the table. Winlett wakes up from a doze. He sips his coffee and puts the cup back down, resting his arm near the pod. He looks at it for a while, then slowly drops back to sleep. Suddenly the pod starts to crackle and it opens outwards. A long weed-like vine grows out from the pod and attaches itself to Winlett's arm! Winlett wakes up and is terrified. He struggles away from the table, seemingly in great pain, staggering and falling onto the ground.) WINLETT: Aaah...Derek...! [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LIVING QUARTERS (Stevenson hears the scream and jumps off his bunk.) STEVENSON: Was that Charles? MOBERLEY: What? What's happening? (They both hurry out to find Winlett.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (They find Winlett on the ground.) STEVENSON: Charles? (Stevenson rolls Winlett over onto his back, and alarmingly Winlett's face is now green and his skin is completely rough! His unconscious eyes stare out into nothingness.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: WORLD ECOLOGY BUREAU - OFFICE (In the near future, Sir Colin Thackeray talks to Dunbar.) THACKERAY: This Telex from Stevenson, what do you make of it? (Dunbar picks up the piece of paper and reads it.) DUNBAR: 'Pod carries infection, Winlett seriously ill, Medicaid needed urgently.' Could have been more informative, Sir Colin. THACKERAY: He probably doesn't know any more. I have ordered Medical Team to go to the base, but I understand the weather conditions are bad. It's bound to take at least a day or two. DUNBAR: The people from UNIT should be arriving now, perhaps they can help. [SCENE_BREAK] 10, EXT: RESEARCH STATION (A helicopter begins to land near the base. A short time later, with heavy snow falling, Moberley comes out to greet the Doctor and Sarah. Moberley and Sarah are dressed heavily, while the Doctor has not changed his attire at all. Everyone has to shout over the wind and the noise of the helicopter.) MOBERLEY: Hello! So you made it! Welcome to the loneliest spot on Earth. You must be the Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes. MOBERLEY: We were expecting someone much older. DOCTOR: Well I'm only 749, used to be even younger! MOBERLEY: Derek Moberley. SARAH: Sarah Jane Smith. The young Doctor's assistant. DOCTOR: How many of you live here? MOBERLEY: Anything up to a dozen, but of course we're down to three at the moment. Let's get inside... SARAH: Yes. DOCTOR: Where are the others? MOBERLEY: Out at the South Bend (?) not 60 miles away, measuring the ice caps, if they're getting this kind of weather they're welcome to it! Come on. (Much to Sarah's relief, they finally make it inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: RESEARCH STATION - CORRIDOR (Sarah removes a glove and puts her frozen finger in her mouth to warm it up.) SARAH: How do you stand it? MOBERLEY: Oh, sometimes it gets quite warm. 10 degrees below freezing. SARAH: Crikey, I feel as though I've got frostbite already! MOBERLEY: I'll get you something hot to drink in a tick. (He turns to the Doctor.) MOBERLEY: Er, are you okay dressed like that, you don't seem to notice the cold. DOCTOR: I haven't come ten thousand miles to discuss the weather, Mr. Moberley; can I see the sick man? MOBERLEY: Yes of course, down this way. [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: RESEARCH STATION - SICK BAY (The now almost unrecognizable form of Winlett is lying on a bed. The Doctor and Stevenson stand nearby.) STEVENSON: He seems to be conscious, but he hasn't spoken a word since last night. DOCTOR: What's his body temperature? STEVENSON: Well that's the amazing thing. I've been trying to keep him warm but it's dropping hourly. DOCTOR: And the pulse rate? STEVENSON: His body temperature is 46; his pulse rate is 18 a minute. I'm no medical expert, but on those figures he should be dead, shouldn't he? DOCTOR: I wonder. (The Doctor pulls back the sheet to reveal Winlett's body; no longer does he have human skin, and instead he is fully covered in green plant-like skin.) STEVENSON: Good grief! It wasn't like that an hour ago. DOCTOR: Then it's accelerating. How long before a medical team arrives? STEVENSON: Well it's difficult to say in these conditions. Hopefully tomorrow. DOCTOR: I don't think that's going to be soon enough, Mr. Stevenson. [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LIVING QUARTERS (Moberley passes a cup of coffee to Sarah, who looks very cold.) MOBERLEY: There, that ought to warm you up. SARAH: Thanks. (She drinks some coffee.) MOBERLEY: Better? SARAH: Mm. So you say you just found this pod lying there empty. MOBERLEY: Yes, and Charles in that state. Now does that make any kind of sense to you? (An alarm goes off nearby.) MOBERLEY: Would you excuse me? Radio. SARAH: Oh sure. (He gets up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: RESEARCH STATION - SICK BAY STEVENSON: Have you any idea what it could be, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes. That's why I came here. STEVENSON: I thought you came here to see the pod. DOCTOR: Exactly - before anything happened. Unfortunately it already has! Where's the lab? STEVENSON: I'll show you. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (Moberley is on the radio.) MOBERLEY: Okay Mike, but try to get something moving, his condition is pretty desperate. Over. MIKE (radio): Understood. Out. (Stevenson and the Doctor walk in.) MOBERLEY: Bad news, John. That was Mike Wilson at South Bend. The medical team's turned back. STEVENSON: What about Charles? Did you tell them how bad he is? MOBERLEY: They were in white out conditions and their Snow Cat's fallen intro a crevasse. But Mike is in touch with the Royal Marine Survival Team - they might be able to help. They'll try again as soon as the weather lifts. STEVENSON: Well that'll be too late! He's dying! Isn't he Doctor? DOCTOR: No. STEVENSON: I thought you said in the sick bay... DOCTOR: It's more serious than death, Mr. Stevenson. He's changing form. STEVENSON: Changing form? DOCTOR: Yes. We need a blood test. MOBERLEY: I'm a zoologist - I could prepare a specimen slide if it'll help? DOCTOR: Yes it would help, thank you. MOBERLEY: Right. (He leaves. The Doctor has only one word for Stevenson. He leans in closer and stares at him.) DOCTOR: Pod. STEVENSON: It's over here. (They move over and Stevenson picks up the tray with the opened pod on it. The Doctor examines it.) DOCTOR (quietly, but furious): Why did it open? Why? STEVENSON: Well that...that could be my fault. It was frozen stiff when we took it out of the ice. I was certain there was still life there. I put in under a lamp and it started to expand. DOCTOR: Mr. Stevenson, what you have done could result in the total destruction of all life on this planet. (Stevenson stares back in disbelief.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: RESEARCH STATION - SICK BAY (Moberley takes the blood sample from Winlett. He puts it down and looks at the monster his friend has become. His condition is even worse than before.) MOBERLEY: Charles? We're trying our best Charles. Help's on its way. (He gets up sadly and with one final look back, he leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, EXT: ANTARCTICA (A pickaxe is digging in the ice. It is the Doctor, covered in snow. Sarah and Stevenson watch nearby.) SARAH: Doctor? Doctor, what are we looking for? DOCTOR: Are you sure this is the place, Stevenson? STEVENSON: Yes, and if you told us what you were doing, perhaps we could help. (The Doctor doesn't even bother to look up. He keeps digging until he finds something in the ice.) DOCTOR: Yes! Just as I thought! SARAH: Another pod! STEVENSON: How did you...Will there be any more? DOCTOR: No. They travel in pairs - like policeman. SARAH: What are we going to do with it - buy it a truncheon? DOCTOR: No. Take it into custody and keep it in the freezer. [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (Night time, Stevenson puts the pod into a big freezer.) STEVENSON: Well that ought to keep it cool. SARAH: Who sold you that, an Eskimo? STEVENSON: I know a freezer seems superfluous out here, but we do need it to keep snow sample in - until they're analysed. MOBERLEY (oov): Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? (Moberley is looking in a microscope.) MOBERLEY: Take a look at this blood sample. (The Doctor goes over to look.) DOCTOR: How's Winlett? MOBERLEY: Winlett. He's barely recognisable. It's as if he's turning into some sort of a hideous monster. DOCTOR: That's exactly what is happening, Moberley. MOBERLEY: Yes but there must be an answer. DOCTOR: You can just increase the magnification...ah...yes! Take a look at that. (Moberley looks.) MOBERLEY: These aren't blood platelets? DOCTOR (to Stevenson): Do you recognise them? (Stevenson looks. He is shocked by what he sees.) STEVENSON: Schizophytes. DOCTOR: Exactly. STEVENSON: I don't believe it. It's not possible. SARAH: Would someone mind explaining what these schizophytes are please? STEVENSON: The smallest known living organisms. Plant bacteria. SARAH: Plant bacteria, in someone's bloodstream? DOCTOR: Interesting, isn't it. A human being whose blood is turning into vegetable soup. SARAH: Listen... (They hear the sound of engines.) MOBERLEY: That's very low by the sound of it. STEVENSON: It's the medical aircraft. Quick Derek, get the landing strip (?) lights on. MOBERLEY: They won't see anything in this blizzard (?) (They go back into the living quarters, their voices hard to hear over the engine noise.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LIVING QUARTERS (Moberley and Stevenson are getting dressed to go outside.) SARAH: Should we come out and help you? MOBERLEY: No, John and I know our way around out there - it's easy to get lost. SARAH: Okay. MOBERLEY: You ready? STEVENSON: Ready. MOBERLEY: Right. (They leave.) SARAH: Will they be able to help that man? DOCTOR: I don't know Sarah. He's halfway towards becoming a Krynoid. SARAH: Krynoid? DOCTOR: Yes. A progression of the pod. SARAH: So you recognised it. DOCTOR: Yes, I was fairly certain when I saw the photographs. Now I'm sure. SARAH: Well, what is a Krynoid? I mean, what does it do? DOCTOR: I suppose you could call it a galactic weed. Except it's deadlier than any weed you know. SARAH: In what way? DOCTOR: Well on most planets, the animals eat the vegetation, hmm? SARAH: Mmhmm. DOCTOR: On planets where the Krynoid gets established, the vegetation eats the animals. SARAH: But that's terrifying! DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: Well how did it get through space? DOCTOR: An obvious question - I wish I knew the answer. Possibly their planet of origin is turbulent from time to time, that any internal explosions could cause surface matter to go shooting into space... SARAH: So what do we do about Winlett? DOCTOR: I'm thinking Sarah, I'm thinking. [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: RESEARCH STATION - CORRIDOR (From outside, Moberley and Stevenson help two other men into the shelter, directing them down to the living quarters. All four men are dressed heavily and covered in snow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LIVING QUARTERS (Sarah goes to help; the two new men are shown to chairs. The Doctor doesn't bother to help.) MOBERLEY: ...into the chair. SARAH: ...let me take that. STEVENSON: Come on, sit yourselves down. SARAH: Come on, sit down over here. (The two men are not the medical team though; it is Scorby and Keeler - on their 'errand'.) STEVENSON: Get some brandy, Derek. MOBERLEY: Right. DOCTOR: Is this the medical team? STEVENSON: They were flying a private plane. MOBERLEY: They just got themselves lost. Brandy. (He hands the two men cups. They thank him and drink it.) KEELER: Sorry to be such a nuisance. SCORBY: Yeah, we were nearly out of fuel when we saw your lights. SARAH: You were very lucky; lights are few and far between out here. DOCTOR: I'd like to take another look at the patient. STEVENSON: What, now? DOCTOR: Now. Yes come on. STEVENSON: You just relax and __? SCORBY: Alright, thanks. (The Doctor, Sarah, Moberley and Stevenson leave.) KEELER: Do you think they swallowed it? If they start asking too many questions... SCORBY: Why worry, Keeler? What can they do? [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: RESEARCH STATION - SICK BAY (The four arrive in the sick bay to find Winlett totally transformed; a big green pile in only a vague human shape.) SARAH: That's horrible. Horrible! DOCTOR: The process is almost complete. MOBERLEY: And we can do nothing except just watch it happen. DOCTOR: There is something you can do but it's drastic. STEVENSON: Well, what? DOCTOR: Amputate the arm. MOBERLEY: What good what that do? Can't you see the infection's all over his body? DOCTOR: Yes well the arm's the source of the infection - it might stop it spreading. MOBERLEY: You say might, what you mean is you don't know! DOCTOR: Well of course I don't know! But it would give you a breathing space while you try and find an antidote - that's a chance worth taking isn't it? MOBERLEY: And who's going to perform this operation? DOCTOR: Oh you are, Moberley, you're the only one who can. MOBERLEY (horrified): But I'm not a surgeon...What about you, you're a doctor! DOCTOR: You must help yourselves. SARAH: He's not a doctor of medicine. Stevenson's a botanist, you're a zoologist. Ask yourself who is most qualified among us. MOBERLEY: But, I can't operate on Winlett - it's absurd! SARAH: Oh at least you could try. You studied physiology, you know how to handle a scalpel... MOBERLEY: To dissect dead specimens, yes, but Charles is a human being. SARAH: He won't be much longer if you don't operate! (to Stevenson) Look, have you got a medical kit? STEVENSON: We have a full medical kit in the lab. SARAH (to Moberley): Well? Well what about it? You're his last chance! STEVENSON: Derek, we'll help you in every way we can. (Moberley is clearly horrified at what they are asking him to do. There is a long silence while he decides.) MOBERLEY: I'll...do my best. DOCTOR: You're a good man, Moberley. Come on, let's get started. SARAH: Right. (They leave. After they have all gone, the being that was once Winlett slowly sits up. It looks around the room - only one of its eyes can be seen clearly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (Some solutions and medical instruments have been prepared. Moberley picks up the tray with the equipment on it.) MOBERLEY: I'll take these down to the sick bay and start setting up. DOCTOR: You'll need more lights in there. STEVENSON: I can fix that. DOCTOR: Winlett's still got a chance. [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: RESEARCH STATION - CORRIDOR (Moberley walks down the corridor heading for the sick bay. He sees something and stops.) MOBERLEY: Charles. (The creature is in the shadows, leaning against the wall. It makes a sort of screeching sound. Moberley puts down the equipment and walks towards his old friend. But the creature grabs him around the neck with tremendous power and throttles Moberley to the ground...)
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THE ARMAGEDDON FACTOR BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN Part Six Running time:25:09 [SCENE_BREAK] DRAX: Over here, Doctor! DRAX: Doctor, over here! Look at that. DOCTOR: You shrank the wrong man, Drax. DRAX: No, I was aiming at you. DOCTOR: Why didn't you shrink the mute? The TARDIS door's open. DRAX: Right, I've got it. Now listen. One of us creates a diversion and you fly over there and shut the door. DRAX: Nasty. Yeah, and we can't use the dimensional stabiliser in here 'cos there's not enough room for when we get back to normal size. We'd just fill up the crack. DOCTOR: Like putty. DRAX: Do you mind? Yeah, you've got problems. DOCTOR: Yes. The door's open so the Shadow can go in there and take the Key to Time. Romana can't help and the time loop must be at breaking point by now. DOCTOR: When the countdown reaches zero, up goes Atrios, Zeos and all. DRAX: Life presents a dismal picture, you might say. DOCTOR: Yes, you might say that. And of course there's the Marshal. DRAX: The Marshal? He's on our side. DOCTOR: No. DRAX: No. Oh well. Where's he fit in? DOCTOR: He's in the time loop as well, making a rocket attack on Zeos. Unless, of course, Shapp and Merak get in contact with him. DRAX: Where are they? DOCTOR: Back on Atrios, I hope. [SCENE_BREAK] SHAPP: Atrios control to Marshal. Marshal? Come in, Marshal. Oh, it's useless. He either can't or won't answer. And this time loop device isn't going to hold things back for ever, is it. MERAK: No, not unless the Doctor can find the sixth piece, and the sixth piece is somehow connected with Astra. SHAPP: But she denies all knowledge of it? MERAK: All conscious knowledge, yes. But if she's the only one who knows then secret, and if the knowledge is implanted, then it must have affected her, made her different in some slight way that might just show up in analysis. SHAPP: Yes, but she's not here. MERAK: But her records are, on your computer. [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHAL: Fire! [SCENE_BREAK] DRAX: Well, we've got one thing in our favour. DOCTOR: Oh? DRAX: Mobility. DOCTOR: Mobility. DRAX: Well, if we're only this high, we're practically invisible, aren't we? DRAX: Except we daren't move. DOCTOR: Yes. If the Shadow gets the five pieces from the TARDIS, which he undoubtedly will, it's up to us to get the sixth piece. DRAX: Yeah, but you don't know what it looks like, do ya? I reckon you're banjaxed, my old son. End of the road. Finito. DOCTOR: The Shadow said I'd already seen it. It must be Astra. DRAX: Astra? DOCTOR: She must have it. Let's see where this crack leads, shall we? DRAX: It's better than getting the boot. [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: The Doctor has eluded me, but he has made his last mistake. See, the door is open! The Key to Time is mine! Enough! Bwahahahaha! ROMANA: He thinks we're just going to stand by and let him walk away with everything we've worked for. Come on, let's get out of here. ASTRA: In this place. ROMANA: What? ASTRA: My destiny is here, in this place. Not on Atrios, not on Zeos. Here. ROMANA: Astra, listen. You're not under the Shadow's influence any more. Now, let's get out of here before he comes back. ASTRA: No, I must stay. I am the sixth princess of the sixth dynasty of the sixth Royal House of Atrios. ROMANA: Yes, yes, but we must get out of here before the Shadow comes back! ASTRA: This is the time of my becoming, my transcendence. ROMANA: What are you talking about? ASTRA: Metamorphosis. [SCENE_BREAK] DRAX: Yeah, here we are. Right, now, there's the T junction. Right down to the dungeon, left onto the Shadow's lair. DOCTOR: What? You mean there's a way in he doesn't know about? DRAX: Well, it will be when it's finished, but a couple of midgets like us won't be much good on a pick and shovel, will we? DOCTOR: No. No, no. no. But if we get K9 up there, we won't need a pick and shovel, will we. We can still give the Shadow a surprise. DRAX: Well, let's normalise then, shall we? DOCTOR: No, no, Drax, no. Small is lovely. DRAX: Big is better, though, innit? [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: Now, the moment I have waited for! Open the door. SHADOW: Light! Too much light! You, fetch me the Key. Hurry. SHADOW: When the Key is mine, I shall dispel the light, and darkness and night shall reign. SHADOW: Ah. [SCENE_BREAK] ASTRA: Destiny. My destiny is near. ROMANA: Astra, remember you're the sixth princess of the sixth Royal House of the sixth dynasty. ROMANA: And we're looking for the sixth segment of the Key to Time. Oh, you're in greater danger even than we imagined. [SCENE_BREAK] SHAPP: Have you found it? MERAK: I think so, yes. SHAPP: What is it? MERAK: A molecular anomaly buried in the genetic structure of the Royal House of Atrios and passed from one generation to the next, until finally, Astra. SHAPP: What's it mean? MERAK: I imagine it means that her every living cell is part of this Key of Time, and that to save us, Astra must be destroyed. You see? SHAPP: Hey, where are you going? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Everything all right, K9? K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: Control box in position? K9: Control box in position. DOCTOR: Batteries charged? K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: Test the blaster, K9. DRAX: Ow! DOCTOR: Blaster working, K9? K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: You all right, Drax? DRAX: Just about. That bit gets hot. DOCTOR: I'd sit somewhere else, if I were you. Ready, K9? K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: Now remember, it's absolutely vital to convince the Shadow that you're still under his control. This whole plan depends on how well you can act. Got it? K9: Affirmative, master. DOCTOR: Keep it simple, K9. K9: The Doctor and Drax have been eliminated. DOCTOR: Okay, K9. Now forward. You're on. K9: Master. DOCTOR: Did you ever get to Troy, Drax? Little place in Asia Minor. [SCENE_BREAK] MERAK: The third planet. Show me. [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: The fulfillment of that for which I have waited since eternity began. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Preparing for blasting. [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: You see, Princess, you cannot escape your destiny. ASTRA: My destiny. SHADOW: It is for this that you were born. The sixth child of the sixth generation of the sixth dynasty of Atrios. Born to be the sixth and final segment of the Key to Time. Come, Princess, prepare yourself. ASTRA: I am ready. SHADOW: Ah! MERAK: Astra! SHADOW: What is this? K9: Apologies, master. SHADOW: You mechanical idiot. K9: But there is an intruder here. SHADOW: I ordered her to eliminate him. K9: It shall be done. SHADOW: Wait. Where is the Doctor? K9: Ahem. The Doctor and Drax have been eliminated. SHADOW: Good. Then these two shall stay and witness my moment of glory, my apotheosis. K9: (quietly) Master. SHADOW: Mine at last! K9: Now, master. ROMANA: No, you'll break the time loop! MERAK: Millions will die! SHADOW: A small beginning. Bwahahahahaha! DOCTOR: The stabiliser, Drax, now! SHADOW: You interfering fool. No one can resist the power of darkness! DOCTOR: Quick, back to the TARDIS! Quick! [SCENE_BREAK] DRAX: You go on, Doctor. I'll hold them off. DOCTOR: How will you get back? DRAX: The transmat shaft. See you on the TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: Stop him! He must be stopped! Stop him! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Good. ROMANA: Come on, Merak. DOCTOR: Come on, Romana. Merak, get inside! MERAK: No! DOCTOR: Quick, get inside, man! MERAK: No, Doctor, I'm staying here. DOCTOR: What! MERAK: I'm staying here to look for Astra. ROMANA: But what about the Shadow? MERAK: Astra! Astra! DOCTOR: No, Romana, come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Set the coordinates for Zeos. ROMANA: We're murderers. First Astra and now Merak. DOCTOR: Romana, it wasn't our idea to use the Royal House of Atrios as carriers, was it? ROMANA: No, but what happened to Astra was our fault. We're just pawns here to do the Guardian's dirty work. DOCTOR: I don't like it any more than you do, but it's done. Have you set those coordinates yet? ROMANA: Is that all you can say? She was a living being, and now what is she? A component. And Merak thinks she's still alive. No power should have that right, not even the Guardians. We must do something! DOCTOR: Well, you could start by setting the coordinates for Zeos. ROMANA: Why? DOCTOR: Romana, you get carried away. If you don't set those coordinates, millions of people will die and this time it really will be our fault. Have you forgotten the time loop? ROMANA: No, I hadn't forgotten the time loop. Can't you put the new segment in? DOCTOR: In less than a second? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Quick, cutters. Cutters! DRAX: Here, what a mess in here. DOCTOR: Listen, Drax. Drax, don't just stand there. What colour? DRAX: Green, I think. DOCTOR: What? DRAX: Well, it's a long time since I done it. Er. ROMANA: Quickly, Drax. DRAX: Just a minute. Don't fluster me. ROMANA: Hurry! DRAX: I've got a diagram somewhere. DOCTOR: Drax! ROMANA: Drax! DOCTOR: Drax! DRAX: Right. ROMANA: Drax! DOCTOR: Drax! DRAX: Pyramid, green! I told you. DRAX: Well, you didn't have to make such a mess of it all. DOCTOR: Drax. You took your time. Where's K9? DRAX: We found young Merak lying there dead to the world. Carrying him slowed us right down. DOCTOR: Really. How is he? DRAX: Well, he'll live. ROMANA: Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: Aren't we forgetting something? DOCTOR: I don't think so. ROMANA: The Marshal! DOCTOR: What? The Marshal. ROMANA: Come on! DOCTOR: Quick! [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHAL: Fire! MARSHAL: Taste the moment of victory. Any second now, beautiful mushrooms will blossom and burst. MARSHAL: No! No, it's the wrong target! [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: Sire. Sire. I have failed. The Doctor has accomplished his purpose. He has the Key to Time. I have failed. GUARDIAN: I expected no less of you, you whimpering wraith. GUARDIAN: But your death is already encompassed in my designs, for now the Doctor shall release the Key to me, and chaos shall break upon the universe! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What a shot, Marshal! Ha, ha, well shot! ROMANA: Doctor, he hit the planet of evil and he was aiming at Zeos! DOCTOR: Well, I can't help what he was aiming at. ROMANA: What did you do? DOCTOR: A mere nothing. A mere deflective forcefield set up for a millisecond set up between the Marshal and Zeos, bounced the missiles smack onto the planet of evil. ROMANA: Is that all? DOCTOR: Yes. DRAX: Well, he might have told us, mightn't he, dog? We was expecting to get blasted into infinity. K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: Well, I'm sorry about that. I don't know what I'm apologising for. I just saved your lives! Can I drop you somewhere, Drax? DRAX: No thanks. I've got a contract job on down there. DOCTOR: Contract job? No armaments, I hope. DRAX: No. Reconstruction, war damage, scrap and that. Me and the Marshal's going fifty-fifty. ROMANA: You and the Marshal? DRAX: Yeah, well, he's out of a job now, isn't he. I mean, no war, no job, so I took him on. DOCTOR: When did you arrange this? DRAX: In about half an hour's time, I should think. DOCTOR: I see. Fifty-fifty? DRAX: Well, sixty-forty, know what I mean? DOCTOR: Ah. DRAX: And if you ever want to get rid of that thing (the complete Key) just let me know, won't you. DOCTOR: I'll let you know. Bye, bye, Drax. DRAX: Right then. Bye all. ROMANA: Goodbye. DRAX: Remember me to Gallifrey. DOCTOR: Bye, bye, Drax. ROMANA: Goodbye. ROMANA: Right, I'll set the coordinates for Gallifrey, shall I? DOCTOR: Why Gallifrey? ROMANA: Well, that's where we're going, isn't it? DOCTOR: We have the power to do anything we like. Absolute power over every particle in the universe. Everything that has ever existed or ever will exist. As from this moment are you listening to me, Romana? ROMANA: Yes, of course I'm listening. DOCTOR: Because if you're not listening I can make you listen, because I can do anything. DOCTOR: As from this moment there's no such thing as free will in the entire universe. There's only my will, because I possess the Key to Time! ROMANA: Doctor, are you all right? DOCTOR: (normal) Well of course I'm all right. But supposing I wasn't all right. This thing makes me feel in such a way I'd be very worried if I felt like that about someone else feeling like this about that. Do you understand? ROMANA: Yes. DOCTOR: What do you understand? ROMANA: That the sooner we hand this over to the White Guardian BOTH: The better! GUARDIAN (on scanner): My congratulations to you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you, sir, thank you. GUARDIAN (on scanner): You performed your task with admirable dispatch. The universe has much to thank you for. DOCTOR: Well, it was a pleasure, sir. Wasn't it a pleasure, Romana? ROMANA: Doctor, that's not the President. DOCTOR: What's the President got to do with it? GUARDIAN (on scanner): I can change my form or shape at will, my dear child. I appeared to you as the President so as not to alarm you. DOCTOR: Just be careful who you're talking to. ROMANA: Sorry, I GUARDIAN (on scanner): You have the Key to Time, Doctor? DOCTOR: Ah. Oh, I have, I have indeed, sir. Do you like it? GUARDIAN (on scanner): Do I like it? Yes, yes, I suppose you could say that I like it. DOCTOR: Yes, we're very proud of it, sir. Aren't we, Romana, proud of it? ROMANA: What? Oh, yes, yes. DOCTOR: What happens now, sir? You said, if I remember in our first conversation, that once it was assembled it would stop the entire universe and enable you to restore the natural balances of good and evil throughout the whole of the universe. GUARDIAN (on scanner): That is correct, Doctor. So, will you release the Key to me that I may do this? DOCTOR: Certainly, sir, yes, certainly, of course. Key to Time, I command you. Could I ask you something, sir? GUARDIAN (on scanner): Yes, Doctor? DOCTOR: It's just that, well, the Key is already assembled, sir. I mean, couldn't you restore the balances now? GUARDIAN (on scanner): Yes, Doctor, but I must have the Key for safe keeping. It is an awesomely powerful key. DOCTOR: Oh yes, sir, yes, and mustn't be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. I quite understand, sir, yes. Key to Time, I command. What about the sixth segment? GUARDIAN (on scanner): What about it, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, I mean, as you know, sir, the sixth segment was in fact a human being, and I mean, if the pieces are maintained in their present pattern it means that she'll be imprisoned forever, sir. GUARDIAN (on scanner): That is, of course, regrettable. DOCTOR: Very regrettable. GUARDIAN (on scanner): But with the fate of the universe at stake. DOCTOR: Quite. You can't be too careful. I quite understand. Key to Time, I command that you stay exactly where you are! GUARDIAN (on scanner): Doctor! You have fully activated all the TARDIS' defences! DOCTOR: We can't be too careful, can we? And it would be a terrible tragedy for the universe if it suddenly turned out that I was colour blind. GUARDIAN (on scanner): Doctor, release the Key to me immediately! DOCTOR: Unable to distinguish between the White Guardian and the Black Guardian. ROMANA: Doctor, what do you mean? DOCTOR: Look. DOCTOR: Don't you see? The White Guardian would never have had such a callous disregard for human life. ROMANA: Of course. Astra, the sixth segment. He would have dispersed it immediately. GUARDIAN (on scanner): Doctor, you shall die for this! DOCTOR: I think not. Remember, the Key to Time is still mine, rage all you like. GUARDIAN (on scanner): I shall destroy you for this! I will disperse every particle of your being to the furthest reaches of eternity! DOCTOR: Ah well, I wish I could stay and watch you try, but you know how it is. Places to go, people to see, things to do. Romana? ROMANA: Yes? DOCTOR: When I give the signal ROMANA: Yes? DOCTOR: Dematerialise. DOCTOR: Now! [SCENE_BREAK] ASTRA: Hello, Merak. MERAK: Astra? Astra, where are you? ASTRA: I'm here. MERAK: Astra. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: You see? I think of everything. ROMANA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? ROMANA: What exactly have you done with the Key to Time? DOCTOR: Key to Time? Oh, well, I just scattered it round through space and time. ROMANA: I see. So where are we going? DOCTOR: Going? I don't know. ROMANA: You have absolutely no sense of responsibility whatsoever. DOCTOR: What? ROMANA: You're capricious, arrogant, self-opinionated, irrational and you don't even know where we're going. DOCTOR: Exactly. ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: Well, if I knew where I was going, there'd be a chance the Black Guardian would, too. ROMANA: Oh. DOCTOR: Hence this new device. ROMANA: What is it? DOCTOR: Well, it's called a randomiser and it's fitted to the guidance system and operates under a very complex scientific principle called pot luck. DOCTOR: Now no one knows where we're going. Not even the Black Guardian. ROMANA: Not even us.
doc_81
Bull: I'm Dr. Jason Bull. I'm not a lawyer. I'm an expert in what's called trial science. I study the jury's behavioral patterns. I know what they're thinking before they do. Everything my team learns gets plugged into a matrix, which allows us to assemble a shadow jury that is scary in its predictive efficiency. The verdict you get depends on me. And that's no bull. Don't tell me plane crashes are bad luck. You think that Malaysia flight just disappeared? Statistically, flying is still the safest way to travel. It's a business, isn't it? They need to be held accountable. You have to trust the pilot, but... it's a leap of faith. You get on a plane without a second thought. But you have no idea who's flying it. (thunder rumbling) (plane rattling) Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be starting our descent into Albany in just a few moments. (crying) Flight attendants will be coming through the cabin to pick up any last-minute trash items. As a reminder, we're entering some rough air, so please remain in your seats with seatbelts fastened. (plane continues rattling) Ma'am. (sniffles) You really need to take your seat. I'm so sorry. This needs to be up, sweetie. (rumbling grows louder, passengers gasping) (passengers screaming) Benny: It's a simple question, Mr. Stowman. Vince: In the world history of stupid questions, that is the stupidest question. Marissa: Our client just torpedoed jurors two and eight. 12 thinks he's a rebel. Lifelong fan, but I... Vince: w*nk*r. Marissa: There goes 12. Vince: No further questions. This is after three days of witness prep. We've seen worse. Maybe once. This is getting very tiresome, Dr. Bull. Hey, hey. I totally get it. You had a monster hit, and some one-hit wonder comes out of the woodwork and says you stole the hook to his song? It's your song. That's right. And it hurts, Dr. Bull. It hurts. I know it hurts. And that's why we're gonna prove that it took you ten years to write this song. And that it comes... (hits chest) from your soul. (quietly): I know it's about the collapse of your first marriage. And I'm sorry. But you see these people? They're the jury. They're normal, everyday folks who come home one day, open their mail, and they have a jury summons. They're like my fans? That's exactly what they are. They're the same people who throw panties on stage and cheer for you. And you got to see them like that. You got to talk to them like that. Marissa: Bull? Rock on. Go get 'em. Marissa: Bull. All right. Sir Vincent needs a fresh jury. Thank you guys very much. Bull. News anchor: In the storm, Essence Airlines Flight 1372 went down approximately three miles from Albany Airport. As you can see from the wreckage behind me, all 62 passengers are presumed dead. The president of Essence Airlines is on the line. Call back. (newscast continues) Hamilton-Sena and the usual airline litigation firms are calling to sign us up. Crash is less than an hour old, and the vultures are already circling, huh? Bull: Missing the runway does seem to inspire lawsuits. Sorry, I'm still the new guy, but... you handled aviation suits before? Every crash in the last ten years. And, uh, Bull's a pilot. Maybe it's because I'm a pilot. Just spoke with a former colleague from the FBI. Was it...? Wasn't terrorism. Tried to land in a storm with wind shear. News anchor: A shocking new development, a miracle perhaps. The nose cone of the plane was severed from the fuselage upon impact. Sources tell us that one of the pilots was pulled from the cockpit alive. Never heard of a pilot surviving a crash. On a crash like this. Before we sign any client... Victim or airline... We're gonna talk to this pilot. (sighs) Man: Essence Airlines and supporting industries have all been named in a separate wrongful death filing. The pilot is also being sued. (reporters clamoring) There are security concerns, because of death threats. What's the pilot's status? Thank you. That's all for today. If you needed any convincing lawyers are overpaid, the firm owns 18 floors of prime New York real estate. Best behavior, Dr. Bull. It's a pleasure to meet you, Capt... Captain Mathison. I'm glad you fully recovered. Dr. Bull, thank you. I can't say the last four months have been easy, but I'm here. Oscar Weber. I'm her attorney. (chuckles): Oh! Gosh, yeah. I've heard so much about you, Oscar. Thanks for taking an interest in this case, Dr. Bull. Not sure there's a need here for what you do. Getting the truth? Winning? We may not even take this case to trial. Captain Mathison here has been charged with gross negligence. If she were to lose in court, she may be facing criminal charges. Taylor: Dr. Bull, how did you know I was Captain Mathison and not him? Well, you don't bounce when you walk. So clearly you're former military, and you're wearing aviator sunglasses, so I figured... pilot. Plus, one look at Oscar, and... there's no way he's a pilot. All right, let's go hear this flight recording. Taylor (over computer): Passing outer marker, ILS Approach 1-6, good to land. Man: Radar contact, cleared to land runway 1-6. Ceiling 2-0-0. Visibility one-quarter mile, wind one-niner-zero, variable 25 gust... Tower Albany to Flight 213... Electronic voice: Wind shear. Wind shear. Copilot: Wind shear, loss 20 knots. Taylor: Cross-control 0500. (urgent chatter) Can't... What are you doing? Taylor: Throttle's up! On the go... got to take it around! Full power, full power... That's not protocol. Taylor: Clean it up, full power! Electronic voice: Terrain... Pull up. Terrain... pull up. Taylor: Five more seconds! Brace! Brace! (sustained beep) Man: Tower Albany, I've lost them off-screen. You need a minute? I'm okay. Sounds like you did the best you could in a hell of a storm. I considered flying on to Boston early on, but the storm was worse there, so... We started our descent, and... (sighs) we hit a massive wind shear. Weber: The challenge is gonna be the NTSB report. It says... Captain Mathison failed to follow emergency protocol and lost control of the plane. Marissa: The NTSB says 80% of crashes are caused by pilot error. Bull: It's not exactly a fair fight when the pilots usually aren't around to defend themselves. Weber: The flight recorder backs up the report. A jury is going to be inclined to believe it. Unless someone bothers to give them a credible alternative explanation. Her own copilot questioned her decision. And you can read the mind of a dead man? Good for you, Oscar. Do you think you lost control? I don't remember. I wish I could tell you why I did what I did that day, but it just... Weber: To my point, the plaintiffs are gonna find that very convenient. She had six broken ribs. And a severe concussion. Memory loss does happen with head trauma. You were in the military? I flew 139 sorties over Iraq. Got over 12,000 flight hours. So what's the last thing you do remember? The wind shear alarm. Then I woke up in the hospital. They told me everyone on the flight... And there were no survivors. And you feel responsible. My plane went down and I lost 62 souls. Of course I feel responsible. I am responsible. Weber: Taylor, no one wants to see you endure a long, difficult trial. Let me work with the airlines. We can hash out a settlement for these families. Lord knows what a jury is going to come back with. We'll know. Excuse me? We'll know what a jury's gonna come back with. We'll know because that's what we do. That's what trial science is. And something to remember, Mr. Weber. Just because Taylor feels responsible doesn't mean she's to blame. Captain Mathison, I'd like to take your case. Huh. Okay, s-so what do we do next? My team and I go to work. I didn't sleep for a week after that plane went down. I was lead mechanic on the gate that day. Couldn't help but wonder if I'd missed something. How you sleeping now? Eight hours a night. Look, I did all my preflight checks. The NTSB was all up in here and they still cleared my crew. The plane wasn't ten years old. There was barely a grease spot on the repair log. So it was okay to fly. Waxed and ready to go. Well, that report said that the pilots did their own inspection before takeoff. Why is that? They're required to do a walk-around. But it wasn't both of them that day, it was just the copilot. Is that standard procedure? It's always the copilot. She did her walk-around like she was supposed to. What do you... what do you mean "she"? There are lady copilots. Well, the lady wasn't the copilot on that flight. She was the captain. I mean... Damn. Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict? Guilty of gross negligence. Verdict. Guilty. Guilty. Marissa: We've questioned all of our mock jurors, and they've all found Captain Mathison guilty. Let me work on her image. Maybe we're sending the wrong message. I have some ideas that could balance her military edge. Worth a shot. We varied our emphasis on her military record, her stellar pilot rating, nothing's changed the outcome. Judge: Mr. Foreman, have you reached a verdict? Foreman: We have, Your Honor. In the case of Berman et al. v. Mathison, we find the defendant not guilty. Not guilty? That's amazing. How'd he do that? It is amazing. All we had to do was adjust one basic assumption about the case. Which one? Meet our client, Captain Taylor Mathison. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, all this case needed was a man's touch. (clicks tongue) Sorry. I'm just the messenger. Not the misogynist. Benny: So, juries are finding her guilty because she's a woman. Marissa: But the data shows that when it comes to female pilots, there is a clear gender bias. Yeah, but it's not 1977. There are women in power everywhere. Well, it's subconscious. Things people aren't even aware of, like getting the door for a woman. Bull: Benny's always been chivalrous. Cable: I don't get it. Is it really difficult to open a door? It's back to where women wore farthingales. (chuckles): Farthingales. What's a farthingale? It's basically like wearing an upside-down umbrella. All right, my point is we have to dial gender bias into Taylor's defense. Which is? Which is... ...an unavoidable wall of wind tragically brought down Flight 1372, and not even the skills of a great pilot could save them. Okay. All right, I'm gonna play devil's advocate. How do we prove she didn't lose control of the plane if she can't even remember what happened? Start with the flight recorder. Yeah, about that. You're aware that it only covers the last 30 minutes before the crash? Chunk: My phone holds 1,000 hours of music, but a black box taps out halfway through a Wayne Newton album? I tap out halfway through a Wayne Newton album. Black box is only a piece of the puzzle. Okay, Danny, I want a play-by-play in the 24 hours of Taylor's life before the crash. And, Cable, focus on the flight itself. Fill in the blanks. Danke schoen. That's a Wayne Newton reference for your benefit, Chunk. (sighs) Bull: Cute kids. I take it you and your copilot were close. Yeah. Ken and I were best friends. Mary and the kids are like family to me. They miss their father. It's hard for them to understand why I came home and he didn't. And Mary's mad at me. Been sitting here over an hour, and she's barely said a word. I don't know, sometimes I think she... blames me for Ken's death. Or maybe I'm just a reminder of what happened. You know, those families, they act like I don't care about the victims, but... I think about those people every day. The void they left. The futures they don't get to have. I just keep asking myself: did I panic? You know, did I, did I, did I take a maneuver that was too risky? Taylor, something tells me you didn't. Women drivers. We've all heard the expression. Maybe even said it in the heat of the moment, even though female drivers have a higher safety record than men. Care to watch the mock trial? No, thanks. I'm, uh, looking for my client. You know, he really should be talking about her record as an Air Force pilot. He will, but first we need to call out the bias. Once people are made aware, they tend to compensate. You did one mock trial and determined that the whole world has it in for female pilots? We did five. And it's not a conspiracy. Implicit bias literally means you don't know it's there. So, you strike all the male jurors? No, because women display as much gender bias as men do. Hmm. Can you scare me up a cup of coffee? No, it's fine. I was just about to grab myself a cup. Okay, great. Look, I know Dr. Bull has three PhDs in psychology, but he's not an attorney. And there are so many unknowns to overcome at trial. We're just getting started. By the end of this process, we will know which types of jurors we want and which to exclude. All I know is, if Taylor is smart, she will settle with the plaintiffs and make this whole thing go away. Benny: Is a decorated Air Force fighter pilot, who flew 139 sorties over Iraq. Where's the douche? Looking for Taylor. Did you spit in this? No. But don't drink it. Chunk: You're in the spotlight the minute you walk into the courtroom. Dr. Bull says I need to look strong, but not aggressive, confident, but not arrogant. Well, blue conveys confidence. And navy adds a sense of remorse. I like your style. Thanks. How did you end up here? I arrived via Vogue magazine. Really? Mm-hmm. Weren't you a defensive back for Georgia? Well, I was that, too, before I was this. I knew it. You almost won the Heisman. Weren't you gonna go pro? Draft didn't work out too well for me. Why isn't she in her uniform? Oh, we can do that, if you want to make this look like a military tribunal. In court, we want her to look like a human being, not a pilot. Mr. Weber, I heard you were in the office. Taylor, I know Dr. Bull has convinced you that he has some sort of magic formula that will make a jury see past the facts and exonerate you. Chunk, would you give us a second? And, uh, tell Benny I need to see him. Mm-hmm. Weber: While Dr. Bull has been searching for biases, I've been in touch with the airline, who are negotiating a settlement with the plaintiffs. A settlement? Yes. It's a very generous offer to the victims' family, as it should be, and it protects you from any financial liability. What do you need from me? I need you to agree to the findings of the NTSB report. Bull: The report that finds her at fault. A-And if I do that, I'll be reinstated? Well... Bull: No. Fired. And unemployable and never able to fly again. She killed 62 people. No, Oscar. An airplane crash killed 62 people, not your client. Marissa mentioned you were pushing for a settlement. That struck her, because even though she's a woman, she's quite good with numbers. So, she had Cable, also a woman, also good with computers, do some digging. It seems that your contract with Taylor stipulates the less the airline pays the families, the more your firm makes. That seems like a conflict of interest, but then again, you have all that office space to pay for. That's why I hate lawyers. That's my... bias. So you have a financial incentive for me to settle? It's called a reverse contingency fee. It's how the airline controls damages. That, and by blaming you. Taylor. This is in your best interest. Do not let him twist this. Can I fire my attorney? Of course you can. Especially since he was supplied to you by the airline. You're relieved, Mr. Weber. See how easy that was? Dr. Bull, you're a piece of work. I like those glasses. Dr. Bull, I can't afford my own attorney. It's all right. We have someone. The best, really. Hey. What's up with Weber? Looked pissed. Captain Mathison, meet your new lawyer. Is this normal? For you to sub in for a real trial? It's been about a year since I've been inside a real courtroom. What kind of law did you practice? I was a prosecutor in the D.A.'s office. Yale Law, Supreme Court clerkship. He was a pit bull. If I were on trial, Benny's the only lawyer I'd want. Why did you leave? I got fired. Wait till you hear why. (gavel bangs) All right, prospective jurors have been sworn in. Mr. Dworkin, you may begin your voir dire. Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm going to ask all of you some questions to see if you can honestly and fairly assess this case. This trial is a suit over... Taylor (quietly): How do you know who has this bias against female pilots? We ask them. Marissa (over earpiece): Okay, we have six strikes left. Who's up first? The lovely Martha Plemmons. Martha Plemmons, 58. High school librarian. Crossword enthusiast. (quietly): The key is not to let anyone know what we're screening for, so our questions have to be a little off. Benny: Ms. Plemmons... what would someone say they didn't like about you? Your Honor, this isn't a job interview. What's the defense going for here? It's his nickel, Mr. Dworkin. (whispers): Please. I-I guess I can be a little pushy sometimes. (laughs) I accessed the district's HR department. Martha's filed two complaints for equal pay against a male counterpart. I think she nailed "a little pushy." Marissa: Yeah, and self-aware. That means she'd be open to assess her own hidden bias on gender. Bull: Two complaints for equal pay sounds pretty aware of gender bias. She only has 47 friends. I don't think she's gonna win Miss Congeniality on this jury. Bull: We don't need her to. She'll have an opinion and stick with it. The question is: will her opinion help or hurt us? Cable: I'd say help. Her last book purchase was Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In. She gave it five stars. That is key. If we can establish a gender bias against Taylor, Martha is gonna resent the airline big-time. Bull: Yeah, I've been watching her. Every time she looks at Taylor, she has admiration. She'll be on our side. Good for the defense, Your Honor. Okay, let's do an online search together. "Three black teenagers." But if I change "black" to "white..." Your Honor, what is this? Race-baiting? Anybody surprised by this? That's just some PC nonsense. [SCENE_BREAK] Cable: This guy would win troll of the year for the things he posts online. Marissa: Mr. Varni is not what I would call enlightened. He's not gonna recognize gender bias if it was full frontal in front of him. I say bounce. Strike, Your Honor. All right, let's talk about Dave Lemanski. Marissa: Professional storm chaser. Should be respectful of the power of Mother Nature, but... also a self-described expert. Well, at least he'll understand the effects of wind shear. Yeah, uh, he may not be afraid of a Tennessee twister, but he seems to run from the opposite s*x. Surprise, storm chasing's a total sausage fest. Bull: I'm looking at his body language. He's not a happy camper. He's antsy just sitting through voir dire. Okay, the data on Lemanski is mixed. On the plus side, he will pay attention to weather conditions during the crash, but it's unclear that he'll recognize his gender bias. Who do we have if we bounce him? Cable: We get... "Rod the Bod," trainer-slash-model-slash-vitamin salesman. Marissa: Uh, Rod's social media is loaded with narcissistic self-congratulatory dude speak. I saw him checking out a young lady in the gallery. The guy's here to find a date. Total lack of awareness. He's gonna be a huge problem for us. Okay. Into the storm we go. We've got ourselves a jury. Marissa: Seven women, five men. Benny: Good for the defense, Your Honor. I'm a high school librarian. I'm a high school librarian. I'm a single mom and teach fifth grade. I'm a single mom and I teach fifth grade. My favorite hobbies are Sudoku and model trains. My favorite hobbies are Sudoku and model trains. For every juror, we hire what we call a "mirror juror." How can they be exactly the same? Well, Marissa's created an algorithm that can track a person across 404 different variants. We put them in the courtroom for the entire trial. Marissa: They wear biometric watches that allow us to track their emotional responses to events in the courtroom. And with an astonishing degree of accuracy, they respond just like the actual jury. Here we have a dermatologist, a Spanish teacher, and a Web designer. We've identified them as open-minded. Lemanski is impulsive, a self-described expert... Could go either way. But these four are followers. They'll go with the wind. And what about those two? That's Frederick West, infantry soldier. All about personal responsibility. But if he senses you're making excuses, we'll lose him. Orville Maynard, on the other hand... retired English professor. Didactic. Despite a history of celebrated liberal causes, his personal syllabus reads like a tribute to dead white men. And he's spent his career lecturing, not listening. (sighs) So what do we do? We learn their habits, lexicon, everything about them. And then we connect with them, with the help of our mirror jurors. One juror at a time. Dworkin: It is tragic that the lone survivor of this crash is the only one here to speak of it. It's even more tragic that she has no memory of what she did. Of losing control of a plane, before smashing it to the ground killing all 62 passengers. Marissa: We're getting good feedback from the biometric watches. So far, our mirror juror for number 11 is responding most favorably to opposing counsel, particularly when they mention the number of victims. Benny: Captain Taylor Mathison is a decorated Air Force fighter pilot who flew 139 sorties over Iraq. Bull: Juliette Lee scratched her neck after she looked at Taylor. Something's making her uncomfortable. How's her mirror looking? She is clearly liking Taylor's military service. Looks like our best in with Juliette is to keep focusing on Taylor's experience as a fighter pilot. So when Flight 1372 was hit by wind shear that slammed the plane toward the ground at 200 feet per second, not even a pilot of her caliber could save them. When a pilot encounters wind shear, one advances the power, retracts the speedbrakes and retracts the gear to reduce drag, build speed and maintain altitude. And, uh, speaking as an NTSB investigator with 20 years experience, did the defendant follow protocol? Reynolds: No. In fact, even her copilot seemed baffled... Objection. Conjecture. Mr. Reynolds can testify in his opinion as an expert. Reynolds: We feel that had she followed protocol... Control? There is no control in wind that strong. Dworkin: ...18. Please, sir, if you would, walk us through. The plane was erratic, off course, not holding it's heading, weaving back and forth. It's clear she panicked, lost control. Dworkin: Thank you. Nothing further, Your Honor. I don't think this guy's a real pilot. He's a paper pusher. I could be getting be high with one of my grad students. Benny: Mr. Reynolds, prior to the crash, what was Captain Mathison's flight record? She had a flawless record. Benny: And yet, your report found pilot error to be the cause of the crash. Correct. Hmm. What about... other crashes involving female pilots? This is the first to my knowledge. Wow. Really? Women must be really good pilots. Actually, there aren't very many. Well, what percentage of pilots are female? About four percent. Four out of 100. Now, that is surprising. It's a challenging lifestyle. Don't flight attendants work similar shifts? Dworkin: Objection. Relevance. Withdrawn. Nothing further, Your Honor. Taylor may be a great pilot, but she's also woman. And beautiful. She's trouble. Tell me more about juror number four, Ms. Juliette Lee. Uh, three kids. Works from home designing Web pages. Creative, tech savvy. And all the data shows that she should be on Taylor's side. Divorced? Three years ago. Her husband left her for his secretary. Find out what color hair the secretary had. Let's bring the copilot's wife into mock court. I need to get her on the stand and play lawyer. Bull: Your husband Ken was the copilot. Were you with him before the flight took off? We had been together just a few hours before he left. Where? We had an appointment together. An appointment? Marriage therapy? I loved my husband, but he wasn't perfect. He'd, uh... slipped before. "Slipped"? As in, had an affair? Pilots are away a lot. It's hard. We were trying to move past it. Hmm. You ever think about who the other woman was? Of course I think about it. Ken was sleeping with Taylor. Taylor: What? Mary! Mary: You were my friend. How could you? Ken? I would never! My God, stop lying! What's wrong with you?! He's dead! She's lost her mind. Why didn't you die, too?! Whoa. Okay, okay. You should've died instead of him! Shh, shh, it's okay. Okay, let's take a little break, all right? It's okay. Marissa's gonna take you. (door opens) Bull: Taylor, stop. You think I was sleeping with Ken? That's what that stunt was about? Not me. Juror number four, Juliette Lee. Her husband left her for a woman who looks a lot like you. (sighs) I can't believe this. Of course I wasn't sleeping with him. Well, he was sleeping with someone. Look, if you're not gonna leave, can you at least turn around? You said Ken was upset. He missed his inspection, you covered for him, and you're still protecting him, and I want to know why. Dr. Bull, I... I can come back. No, I was just leaving. Listen to me. Marissa is talking to Mary right now. I had her testify in mock court so that she would blow here and not in the real trial, because if Mary accused you of sleeping with Ken in the actual court, true or not, the plaintiffs would argue that you were distracted by a lovers' quarrel in the cockpit and that is why the plane crashed. Now, I will get this jury on your side... but not unless you're honest with me. You want honesty? We're done. (sighs): Oh. (quietly): Women. [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Who's that woman? ♪ ♪ That wonderful woman... ♪ Hey. That your virtual black box? Virtually. Every bit of information from the roughly two dozen passengers using the in-flight Wi-Fi. Selfies from 22D, drink orders from 12A, oh, an epic Twitter fight between the sisters in 18B and C. How did you get all of... You know what? Forget that I asked. Um, anything that's gonna help us? Yeah, I'm getting to that. This tweet from 8C. "Woman in 8D just stomped her foot so hard she broke her heel. #FlightRage." Okay, what else? "Woman in 8D apologized. Said she just got dumped." Juicy. And sad. Dumped by who? (typing) "Woman in 8D pretty much threw herself at the pilot when he went to the bathroom." Who is this woman? (typing) Tanya Bryant. Twenty-nine. An accountant for a department store in Manhattan. I think we just found our copilot's mistress. Nice. Well done, well done. So, Tanya flew three round-trip flights on Essence Airlines in the last month leading up to the crash. Cable: And all the flights have one thing in common. Bad food? Crying babies? Ken Fowler as copilot. So Ken and Tanya were having an airborne romance, not Ken and Taylor. So why didn't Taylor say any of this? Hmm. Hey. So Ken was having an affair with Tanya. Not you. You think maybe Ken was distracted, too distracted to help you with the wind shear? We ran Ken's affair past a mock jury. Instead of seeing Ken as questioning your decisions, they found him preoccupied, not focused on flying. And they found you not guilty. No. You know, so what if Ken might've been distracted? I was the pilot, I made all the decisions. I flew the plane, not Ken. It-it wouldn't have made a difference. Taylor, I get it. You don't want to throw your dead friend under the bus. But you know in your heart that Ken's affair had nothing to do with this crash. Right? Look, I'm taking the settlement. You can't do that. Trust me, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Maybe they're right. Maybe I panicked. Did you? I don't remember. So you just want to give up? Settle? I guess it's what a woman would do. Take the blame. Excuse me? Well, martyrdom is a classic female response to tragedy. Do you have any idea what I have been through my entire life as a pilot? Are you telling me you want to give that up? Come with me. Okay, you got me here. Now what? Well, the simulator is gonna recreate the exact conditions... Yeah, I know what a simulator does. I haven't flown since the accident. I'll be right here with you. I know this isn't easy. I promise it'll get easier if you fly again. Man: All right, Dr. Bull, we're ready to begin the simulation. (simulator powering up) Bull: Okay, we're gonna pick up right after Ken got back to the cockpit. (electronic bell chimes) Passing outer marker. (thunder rumbling) ILS approach 1-6, cleared to land. Man: Radar contact, cleared to land, runway 1-6. Ceiling 2-0-0, visibility one-quarter mile, wind one-niner-zero, variable 2-5 gust, gust to 0-4-1 wind shear all four quadrants. (rumbling) Bull: Wonder how many people get airsick in one of these things. (loud rumbling) Electronic voice: Wind shear, wind shear, wind shear. (alarm beeping) Bull: Wind shear. Lost 20 knots. Cross control, 0500. Bull: Can't... Throttle's up. What are you doing? On the go. Got to take it around. Bull: That's against protocol. Repeat, against protocol. Clean it up. Full power. Electronic voice: Terrain... pull up. No. Terrain... pull up. Five more seconds. Terrain... pull up. Terrain... pull up. Terrain... pull up. Terrain... pull up. Terrain... pull up. Terrain... pull up. Terrain... (rumbling stops) (panting) You know what you did? I got five seconds more flight out of that plane. Five seconds is the difference between putting that plane down on an empty road or in a neighborhood filled with people. Taylor, you didn't want to relive it because you were afraid they were right... That you lost control, but you didn't. How did you know? Because you're a fighter. And a fighter pilot. And another thing I do know is that you saved more lives than your own. And the jury's never heard that. Now... (sighs) you still want to take that settlement? Benny: Captain Mathison, what were you thinking when the plane lost power in the wind shear? Objection. That is not the NTSB's video. Your Honor, the video has been modified in one specific way, and that is to show the jury what was on the ground. Judge: I'll allow it, but only for that reason. Watch your step, Mr. Colón. I don't remember, actually, due to head trauma from the crash. Benny: You flew a simulation earlier that replicated the conditions. And you performed the same maneuver. Why? It was the only way to get a few more seconds flight out of the plane. But it wasn't protocol. Even your copilot asked what you were doing. It would have taken too long to explain. He was never a military pilot. Anyway, there was nothing for him to do. I was in full command of the aircraft. Why was it important for the plane to stay in the air a few extra seconds? To veer the plane to an unpopulated area. If I couldn't save the lives of the people on board, at least I could save lives on the ground. (whispers): Yeah. Captain Mathison solidified these ten jurors today. But? But what does a twister aficionado have in common with a former infantryman? Besides flexibility? Oh... Benny's closing argument brings them both to tears. Benny: I'm working on it. You've already tried five different versions in mock court. I know, but none of them are right. None of them got us the win. They just haven't figured out that gender plays into Taylor's case. Incredibly, their mirror jurors still think she panicked. All right, I got it. (sighs) You think he has it? Not quite. But he will. Where's Chunk? I'll find him. Chunk: Bull says you may need a new tie. Really? Yeah. I'd stay away from stripes if you're trying to project a progressive image. I can't crack my closing argument. I thought closings were your thing. Yeah, when I was a prosecutor. But since then, I've been in mock court. You can lose 100 times and it doesn't matter, but today... only get one shot. I don't know if this helps, but when I played for Georgia, there was a rumor going around that someone on the team was gay. I remember that next practice, I tackled that quarterback so hard... he was out for a week. We lost our next game, but no one suspected that I was gay. It never occurred to them that a gay man could hit that hard. At least not until our ten-year reunion. (chuckles softly) Chunk. Thank you. Tell Bull I said thanks for the tie. Now, bear with me. I'm gonna show you three pictures that tell a story. Okay? Here we go. Now, as you can see, these kids are getting bullied. Then one of them fights back. Here they are in the principal's office. And here's the bully, nursing his black eye. Okay, now, as a show of hands, what was the color shirt of the kid who confronted the bully? Was it a blue shirt? Okay, well, let's take a look, see if we're right. If you all guessed blue, you were wrong. The kid who confronted the bully was wearing the red shirt. See, I never specified which kid confronted the bully. You all just assumed it was the boy. Now, come on, I admit I failed the test, too. See, it's hard to imagine a girl being the hero of the story. Just like it's hard to imagine Captain Mathison being the hero of the one in this court. But she is. She doesn't deserve to be punished for our failings. She deserves to be thanked for the lives that she saved. We need to find her not guilty. Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honor. Judge: What say you? Foreman: As to the charge of gross negligence, we find the defendant not guilty. (gallery murmuring) That's one in the win column. Very nice to meet you. Hey. Oh. (chuckles) Thank you so much. Of course. Of course. Of course. Mary. Hi, guys. Hi. Come here. Thanks. (sighs) [SCENE_BREAK] (lively chatter) Bull: May I approach the bar? Ah, yes, you may. (chuckles): Aha. Congratulations, Dr. Bull. You, too. Showed a new speed in court today. Yeah, yeah. I picked up a few new moves here. I saw that. Well, I may start calling on you more often out there. Excuse me, Jay. Milady. Thank you. I got a sweet little gift from Vince. (imitates Vince): "Rock on." (laughs) Heard the airline settled with the families. Double what they would have paid if Taylor had been found guilty. So... how's my team? Right where you want 'em. Here.
doc_82
Outside the jail Sean: Hey sight for sore eyes. (Sean walks out and hugs Emma.) Sean: Ah yeah. (They kiss.) Sean: I'm free all thanks to you. Emma: All I did was help you get a lawyer. Sean: You got me a hearing. You got my sentence reduced. Emma: And two years of probation. Sean: Whatever. I'm out. Now we can be together. The perfect girl and the guy who doesn't deserve her. Man I missed you. (Emma kisses him.) Emma: I missed you too. A lot. Sean: Yeah? I also missed bacon double cheeseburgers with the works. Emma: I see jail hasn't turned you vegetarian. Sean: Sorry. Been dreaming about it for months. Emma: I guess I could put my carnivorous objections aside just this once, but first it's present time. (She hands him the picture that Spike took of them on their first date.) Sean: Is that really us? Emma: Six uber long years ago. Sean: Sometimes I wish I could stop time. Go back. Emma: To bad hair, braces and general pubescent awkwardness? No thanks. Sean: Back to a time when you were proud of me. (Emma runs her hand through his hair and touches his face.) At Emma's house Mr. Simpson: So how was the sofa? Not too lumpy? Sean: No it was great. Thanks. I really appreciate you guys letting me crash here until I get back on my feet. Spike: What are your plans now that you're out? Emma: Already with the grilling? Spike: I know you two are more than just friends Em. A mother gets to ask. Sean: That's cool. Jay is hooking me up with his boss. Apparently they need a new mechanic. Mr. Simpson: What about school? Have you given any thought about coming back to Degrassi? Sean: I got expelled. Mr. Simpson: Well maybe I could talk to her. Sean: No. I mean no thank you. I really don't want to set foot in that place again. Emma: Tell them about Cameron's Custom Cars. Sean: Someday I want to open up my own shop. Mr. Simpson: That sounds like a fine plan if you can find a bank manager who's willing to lend money to a high school dropout. Spike: Couple that with your record. Emma: Mom it's his first day out of jail. Can you go easy, please? Spike: Sorry. We're really glad you're here Sean. Mr. Simpson: And we're sure you're gonna figure it all out. Your life I mean. You've got lots of time for that. In the hallway (Danny and Derek are running in the halls and they run right into Mr. Perino, spilling his drink and breaking his mug.) Mr. Perino: Hey! How many times have I told you guys no running in the halls?! Danny and Derek: Sorry Mr. Perino. Mr. Perino: Sorry? Look at me! Look at my shoes. They're ruined. Derek: (under his breath) So buy some new ones. Mr. Perino: Are you sure you want to use that tone with your teacher? Believe me you don't want me to make your lives difficult. Mr. Simpson: Guys go get the mop from the janitor. Clean this mess up, capiche? Go. Mr. Perino: Smart asses, you know? They drive me crazy. Mr. Simpson: Just uh try to remember they're just kids. Right Dom? (He walks away without saying anything.) Mr. Simpson: Dom! At the garage Tony: Engine runs out. Sean: It's loose timing chain. Tony: Shimmy in the steering. You know how to fix it? Sean: Yeah. You machine the front rotors. Tony: Jay was right. You know cars. Sean: Cars are my life. You know, if you know how they work, they never let you down. Tony: Spoken like a true mechanic. Tell you what, we got a Lexus with a faulty AC. Go to work. Sean: You, you mean I got it? I got the job? Tony: Yeah not for long if you don't get to work. Sean: Yes sir. Woo! I got it man. Jay: What'd I tell you? In Mr. Perino's class Danny: After years of fighting, the second world war came to an end with the bombing of Hiroshima. Once the Third Rake finally surrendered, the iron curtain divided Europe- Mr. Perino: I think it's time this presentation surrendered and by the way it's Reich, not Rake. You're done. Danny: But you cut me off. Mr. Perino: The assignment was to summarize an event in your own words. Not bore everyone by copying the damn thing from your textbook. Danny: It's not my fault history's so boring. Mr. Perino: Well it might be to you, but I'll assure you history's a fascinating discipline. (Danny sits down behind Derek.) Derek: He was a teacher. Mr. Perino: Who said that? Mr. Higg you got something to say? Don't be a clown. Be a man and say it. Derek: Okay I will. Can't you give Danny a break? I mean he's trying his best. Mr. Perino: Tell you what instead of giving Daniel a zero for plagiarism, detention both of you and tomorrow I'll let you help him redo his presentation. At the garage (Emma tries to sneak up on Sean.) Sean: Hey gorgeous. Emma: How did you do that? Sean: You're a lousy sneaker and every car has at least three mirrors. (He kisses her.) Sean: Mwah! Emma: Based on the fact that your freshly pressed white shirt is now forgotten on the tool bench, you got the job? Sean: Your little pep talk helped. Thanks and a big shout out to Jay! He totally went to the mat for his bud, huh? My best friend and my girlfriend. The only two people I can count on. Jay: Girlfriend? Well I guess not even jail time can keep you two lovebirds apart, huh? Sean: We should all hang out, huh? Catch up on old times? Jay: Yeah Sean's not caught up on old times. Emma: Old times are overrated. Sean: Alright well uh, well I'm all done here. I'm gonna take my girl out for dinner. Jay: Go have fun. I'll lock up. Outside the school Danny: Detention rocks. I'd take it over history class any day. Derek: Plus we got Perino off our backs for now. Hey later. Danny: Later. (Danny leaves and Derek sees Mr. Perino standing by the bus stop.) Derek: Hey Mr. Perino. Mr. Perino: Derek. Derek: Something wrong with your car? Mr. Perino: Why? Did you do something to it? Derek: No. I just thought...bus stop. Mr. Perino: What, no funny jokes? You're not much of a comedian outside of class, are you? Derek: I'm sorry. Mr. Perino: Don't pull that innocent act with me. Derek: Uh I think I'm gonna walk home. (Derek starts to leave when Mr. Perino steps in front of him.) Mr. Perino: Let me make myself clear. Show me some respect or we've got a serious problem, understood? (Derek walks away.) At Emma's house Emma: Where is my lucky bra? The one that gives me Manny boobs. Manny: What's the big deal? You're just going on a date with Sean. Emma: It's not a date. It's the date. The "he's finally back in my life and everything has to be perfect" date. Manny: And you're just trying to live up to the pedestal that he's putting you on. Emma: There's nothing wrong with having a boyfriend who thinks you're amazing. Manny: Unlike those shoes, nobody's perfect. Emma: Least of all me. I went by the garage today and Jay was there. Manny: Three's definitely not company. Emma: Jay is Sean's best friend. How do I even begin to tell him what I did with Jay in the ravine? Manny: You were single. It was a crazy time. What were you supposed to do, sit home and knit? Emma: I'm not sure that Sean's gonna see it that way. Manny: If he really loves you then he should. After hours at the Dot Spinner: Okay I will be back in an hour to lock up. Don't break anything. Sean: We won't. Thanks man. (Spinner leaves Sean and Emma alone.) Sean: It's not much, but jail does a number on a guy's savings. Emma: The place, the candles, the tofurkey...everything is perfect. Sean: It is perfect. You're perfect. Emma: I've still made mistakes. Sean: You're talking to the master of mistakes. Emma: So you won't hold them against me? Sean: Of course not. Why? Is there something you need to tell me about? Emma: No. It's just...stupid. Sean: Nothing you say is stupid Em. You're the smartest person I know. At the garage Sean: Hey last night I thought Emma was dropping hints. Did something happen? Jay: No. It was probably nothing. Sean: If there was something, you'd tell me, right? Jay: Forget it. You're not hearing it from me. Sean: Jay come on. After everything I've been through, I can handle it. Jay: Fine, but I warned you. Alright while you were gone, Emma and I kind of fooled around. Sean: You had s*x. Jay: No. No, no, no. I mean not really. It depends how you look at it. I had more than she did. Sean: I can't believe this. You and Emma? Jay: Dude don't overreact. Look you'd just broken up with Ellie. You and Emma hadn't been a thing for like years. It just kind of happened. Once. You said you could take it. Sean: Just shut up, okay? Shut up. Jay: Man I'm sorry. Sean: I said shut up. (Sean walks away angry.) [SCENE_BREAK] At Degrassi Emma: Sean? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work? Sean: Never mind. Did...did you and Jay have a thing last year? Emma: Who told you that? Sean: Wrong answer. (Sean tries to walk away, but Emma stops him.) Emma: Sean! It was two years ago. Right after I had a gun pointed at my face. To say I was super duper messed up would be an understatement. Sean: How could you do that? And with Jay?! The thought of you two together makes me want to- Emma: What happened to "I won't hold it against you"? (Sean leaves and Peter walks by Emma.) Peter: Lover's quarrel? At the garage (Sean walks by Jay without saying anything.) Jay: Take it we're not cool? Sean: Don't talk to me. Tony: Jay get on the Lexus. Mr. Lane is my best customer. Jay: Uh you wanna hand me that ratchet? Sean: Get it yourself. Jay: Look it was over a year ago man. Just let it go. Sean: I'm not gonna let it go, alright? You took something that was good and you ruined it. Just like you always do. Jay: Right, right make me the bad guy. Alright whatever helps you sleep at night. Sean: You didn't care about Emma. You used her! You took advantage of her. Jay: I didn't take advantage of anybody. The truth is she chased me dude. She damn near begged me to let her do it. (Sean pushes Jay, he pushes him back and Sean tries to punch him, but misses and hits the wall.) In science class Science teacher: So each group is now holding a different part of the human body. I want you to explain in essay form the function of your part. Manny: Well this should be easy. (Emma stabs her pencil into the heart.) Manny: Em! You're killing Johnny Carcass-man! His heart's not gonna work with a pencil in it. Emma: I'm sorry. I was imagining it belongs to Sean, who found out about me and Jay from Jay. Manny: Ouch. Hope you had a soft landing when you fell off that pedestal. (Emma starts stabbing the pencil over and over again into the heart.) Manny: Easy cuckoo bananas! This is one of the few classes that I'm not failing. Emma: What is it with guys and their ridiculous double standards? They can do whatever they want, but a girl makes one mistake and her rep is tarnished for life! Manny: Look I know your little visit with Jay in the ravine may not have been on the Emma Nelson highlight rail, but no guy has the right to judge you. Especially Sean. In Mr. Perino's class (Danny and Derek walk into the room.) Mr. Perino: Derek can I uh talk to you a minute? (They go into the hall.) Mr. Perino: Look I just want to make sure there's no misunderstanding about last night. Derek: Well what you said Mr. Perino...was kind of threatening. Mr. Perino: Derek you're a smart kid. I hate seeing you waste your potential. I was just trying to motivate you. Derek: More like you freaked me out. Mr. Perino: Look what do you say we just forget it even happened? Derek: Yeah. Yeah I guess. Mr. Perino: Good. Look go in there and knock that presentation out of the park, okay? At the garage Mr. Lane: You remembered to change the oil? Sean: There's an oil change charge on the bill, isn't there? Mr. Lane: I've noticed a bit of pulling lately. Um how is the tire pressure? (Sean kicks the tire.) Sean: Seems fine to me. Mr. Lane: Maybe I should talk to your boss. Sean: You have a problem with my work, then you take it up with me. So do we have a problem? Mr. Lane: I have a mechanic with an attitude. (Sean steps up to him threateningly and he takes a step back scared.) Jay: Hey Sean back off! Look I'm sorry sir. His problem, it's with me. Sean: Tell Tony I quit. (Sean leaves and kicks the tool bench over.) In Mr. Perino's class Derek: And in late October 1945 the United Nations was formed. Danny: To promote human rights and prevent future world wars. Mr. Perino: Nice job you two. Okay, who's my next victim? Jackson? You ready? (He doesn't say anything.) Mr. Perino: Blank stare. Figures. Did anybody not stay up all night playing video games and looking at nudie pictures on the Internet? Take the zero. Derek: Why do you have to be like that sir? Mr. Perino: Do you have a problem Mr. Higg? (Derek doesn't say anything.) Mr. Perino: I didn't think so. Alright who's gonna butcher another presentation or do I have to keep handing out zeros? Hmm? (Derek takes his bag and walks out of the classroom.) Mr. Perino: Hey! Where are you going?! (Derek starts talking to Mr. Simpson in the hallway.) At Emma's, Sean is packing Emma: Classic Sean. When the going gets tough, the Sean gets going. Sean: Not much to stick around for. Emma: So the minute you find out I'm not perfect you run away? Sean: Not perfect? I'd say! Emma: Well what do you expect Sean? I'm a real person! In three months I'll be old enough to vote, to legally drink in Quebec. I'm not the girl you knew in grade seven anymore. Sean: What happened to you? Emma: I grew up! Maybe you should try it. Sean: My parents kicked me out when I was twelve, alright? I grew up in a hurry. I needed to, to survive. Emma: All you did was build a wall between yourself and the world, to hide behind! Sean: You let me down. My parents let me down. The school system let me down. I'm just saving myself from more. Emma: So all your problems are someone else's fault, right? Sean: It's not my fault you did that to Jay. Emma: And you'll never let me forget it, will you? (Sean starts walking away.) Emma: Okay little boy, I give up. At the bus station (Sean's ticket falls out of his pocket along with the picture Emma gave him and he watches a couple with their arms around each other.) Outside Ms. Hatzilakos' office (Mr. Perino leaves angrily and Mr. Simpson walks over to Derek.) Derek: Did he get fired? Mr. Simpson: No, but uh Ms. Hatzilakos is launching an investigation. Derek: I should have kept my mouth shut. Mr. Simpson: No you did the right thing Derek. Ready to give your side of the story? Derek: Is it okay if I'm a little scared? Mr. Simpson: Don't be. Okay I'll be in there with you. Come on. (They go inside and Mr. Simpson looks back at Mr. Perino.) At Emma's house Sean: This isn't supposed to happen. Emma: Didn't have to, but you made it. Sean: When I came back here from Wasaga, Emma...it wasn't for school or to open a garage. It was none of that. Emma: Funny thing is you got what you came for. Then you blew it. Sean: Don't give up on me. Please. Emma: I can't be perfect Sean. I can't be everything you need all the time. Sean: Good! I want you to challenge me. I want you to call me on my crap. Emma: Sure, but if we're gonna have a real relationship you need to save yourself from yourself sometimes. Sean: I'll ask Tony for my job back, okay? I'll get my high school equivalency. I'll start looking for my own place. Emma: And what about us? (He kisses her.) Sean: I want to get to know you again Em. Voiceover: In 2007, the series that pushes the limits is going there again. (A group of guys are shown walking outside. Ellie is shown with Jesse. Marco and Dylan are sitting together.) Dylan: Oh dear. Mia: I trusted you with my daughter! (Manny is crying at a hospital and Sean is hugging her.) Manny: This is my fault. Sean: It's not. Voiceover: Someone will return. (Craig and Ellie are kissing and Ellie pushes him away.) Ellie: You b*st*rd. It's all gonna be lies! Voiceover: Someone will fall. (Derek looks upset.) Nic: Lakehurst has declared war on your school. JT: You want a war? You got it. (Emma and Sean look at each other, Manny is dancing with some guy, a party is going on, Toby is kissing Mia, Ellie is covering her mouth shocked, Toby is getting punched in the stomach, Jay is getting a drink splashed in his face, Emma is at the party, Nic is kicking someone, Craig is singing with a bloody nose, Emma looks shocked, someone is holding a knife.) Voiceover: And someone will die. Liberty: Somebody help!
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Recap 311 "Utopia". The quiet of an alleyway is disturbed as the time vortex opens and the Doctor, Martha and Jack appear groaning. MARTHA: Oh, my head! DOCTOR: Time travel without a capsule. That's a killer. Jack cracks his neck before they leave the alley. They walk along a main street taking in their surroundings. JACK: Still, at least we made it. Earth, 21st century by the looks of it. Ha, ha, talk about lucky. DOCTOR: That wasn't luck, that was me. Back on Malcassairo, the Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver on Jack's vortex manipulator as he and Martha try and keep the Futurekind out. DOCTOR: Hold still! Don't move! Hold it still! JACK: I'm telling you, it's broken! It hasn't worked for years! DOCTOR: That's because you didn't have me. Martha, grab hold! (Takes Martha's hand and places it on top of the manipulator). Now! They disappear. The Doctor, Martha and Jack are sitting in an area in the middle of a pedestrian-only road. JACK: The moral is, if you're gonna get stuck at the end of the universe, get stuck with an ex-Time Agent and his vortex manipulator. MARTHA: But this Master bloke, he's got the TARDIS. He could be anywhere in time and space. DOCTOR: No, he's here. Trust me. Looks around and sees Saxon campaign posters plastered everywhere. MARTHA: Who is he, anyway? And that voice at the end, that wasn't the professor. JACK: If the Master's a Time Lord, he must have regenerated. MARTHA: What does that mean? JACK: Means he's changed his face, voice, body, everything. New man. The Doctor notices a homeless man tapping a repeating rhythm on an enamel mug. MARTHA: Then how are we gonna find him? The tapping echoes. DOCTOR: I'll know him, the moment I see him. Time Lords always do. MARTHA: But hold on. (Notices posters). If he could be anyone... We missed the election. But it can't be... The Doctor stands slowly, as does Jack. They walk towards a giant screen showing the news. Martha follows. NEWSCASTER: Mr Saxon has returned from the Palace and is greeting the crowd inside Saxon Headquarters. The screen shows Saxon walking downstairs with an entourage, Lucy, his wife, at his side. MARTHA: I said I knew that voice. When he spoke inside the TARDIS. I've heard that voice hundreds of times. I've seen him. We all have. That was the voice of Harold Saxon. DOCTOR: That's him. He's Prime Minister. PHOTOGRAPHER (on screen): Mr Saxon, this way, sir. Come on, kiss for the lady, sir. DOCTOR: The Master is Prime Minister of Great Britain. (Saxon kisses the woman at his side). The Master and his wife. SAXON (steps forward to speak to the press): This country has been sick. This country needs healing. This country needs medicine. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that, what this country really needs, right now... is a doctor. Smiles into the camera. OPENING CREDITS Saxon is walking down a hall in Number Ten, Lucy beside him, clerks handing him files as he passes. CLERK 1: Finance report, sir. CLERK 2: Military protocol, sir. CLERK 3: EC directive, sir. CLERK 4: Annual budget, sir. CLERK 5 : ... recommendations. Saxon stops outside the door to the Cabinet Room. LUCY: I'm so proud of you, Harry. As they kiss, we see Tish Jones walk up. SAXON: Bless. TISH: Uh, sir... If you don't mind me asking... I'm sorry, but it's all a bit new. What exactly do you want me to do? SAXON: Oh yes, what was it, uh...? TISH: Tish. Letitia Jones. SAXON: Tish. Well then, Tish... You just stand there and look gorgeous. (Enters the Cabinet Room). A glorious day. Downing Street rebuilt, the Cabinet in session. Let the work of government begin. (Throws files into the air and the contents scatter). Oh, go on. Crack a smile. It's funny, isn't it? Albert, funny? No? Little bit? ALBERT DUMFIRES: Very funny, sir, hm. But... but if we could get down to business, there is the matter of policy, of which we have very little... SAXON: No, no, no, no. Before we start all that, I just want to say... thank you. Thank you one and all, you ugly, fat-faced bunch of wet, snivelling traitors. DUMFRIES: Yes, quite. Very funny. But I thi... SAXON: No, no. That wasn't funny. (Stands). Hm, you see, I'm not making myself very clear. Funny is like this. (Exaggerates smile). Not funny is like this. (Exaggerates frown). And right now, I'm not like this... (smiles), I'm like this... (frowns), because you are traitors. Oh yes, you are! As soon as you saw the vote swinging my way, you abandoned your parties and you jumped on the Saxon bandwagon. So... (sits) this is your reward. Takes a gas mask from under the table and slips it on. DUMFRIES: Excuse me, Prime Minister, do you mind my asking... what is that? SAXON (muffled): It's a gas mask. DUMFRIES: I beg your pardon? SAXON (lifts mask): It's a gas mask. Puts mask back on. DUMFRIES: Yes, but, uh, why are you wearing it? SAXON (muffled): Well, because of the gas. DUMFRIES: I'm sorry? SAXON (lifts mask): Because of the gas. Replaces mask. DUMFRIES: What gas? SAXON (leans back): This gas. The speakerphones in the centre of the table pop up and emit a white gas. The Ministers start coughing and choking. They have no means of escape. DUMFRIES (points): You're insane! Saxon merely raises both thumbs. Dumfries collapses dead onto the table. Saxon, with the mask still on, begins tapping out a rhythm on the table with his fingers. Martha takes the Doctor and Jack to her flat. MARTHA: Home. DOCTOR: What have you got? Computer, laptop, anything? (Jack tries to make a call on his mobile). Jack, who are you phoning? You can't tell anyone, we're here! JACK: Just some friends of mine, but there's no reply... MARTHA: (hands Doctor the laptop) : Here you go. Any good? JACK (takes the laptop): I can show you the Saxon websites. He's been around for ages. Sits at desk. MARTHA: That's so weird though. It's the day after the election. That's only four days after I met you. DOCTOR: We went flying all around the universe while he was here the whole time. MARTHA: You gonna tell us who he is? DOCTOR: He's a Time Lord. MARTHA: What about the rest of it? I mean, who'd call himself the Master? DOCTOR: That's all you need to know. (To Jack) : Come on, show me Harold Saxon. Martha checks her answering machine. There's one from Tish. TISH: Martha, where are you? I've got this new job. You won't believe it. It's weird, they just phoned me up out of the blue. I'm working for... MARTHA (shuts off machine): Oh, like it matters. Tish is following a reporter, Vivien Rook, through the office, trying unsuccessfully to turn her away. TISH: I'm sorry, but you're not allowed in... VIVIEN: Harold Saxon: A Modern Churchill. It's the definitive think piece on the man himself. (Hands a copy of the article in question to Tish). Oh, come on, sweetheart, you must've read it! TISH: Um, not really, sorry. I'm new. VIVIEN: Mr Saxon does like a pretty face. But I'm here to see Mrs Saxon. TISH: You can't just go barging in! Vivien enters the sitting room where Lucy is alone, massaging her feet. VIVIEN: Mrs Saxon, Vivien Rook, Sunday Mirror. (Holds up press card). You've heard of me. LUCY: Oh, can't I just have an hour to myself? It's been a hell of a day. VIVIEN: Oh, strike while the iron's hot, that's what I say, Lucy. I can call you Lucy, can't I? Now, everyone's talking about Harold Saxon, but I thought "What about the wife?" All I need is twenty minutes. LUCY: Oh, I think maybe we should wait. Looks nervously to connecting door. VIVIEN: The headline's waiting to print: The Power Behind the Throne. LUCY (intrigued): Really? VIVIEN: Britain's First Lady. LUCY: Gosh. VIVIEN: Front page. LUCY: Oh, well, I suppose... Oh, go on then. Twenty minutes. VIVIEN: Excellent! Thank you! Oh, oh, what was it? Oh, Tish. Now you can leave us alone. Hands Tish her coat. TISH: No, but I'm supposed to sit in. Looks to Lucy. VIVIEN: No, no. It's... it's only a profile piece. You know, hair and clothes and nonsense. There's a good girl. Out you go. That's it. (Pushes Tish out the door and closes it). Mrs Saxon, I have reason to believe... that you're in very great danger. All of us, in fact. Not just the country, but the whole world. (Lucy scoffs). I beg of you, hear me out. LUCY: What are you talking about? VIVIEN: Your husband is not who he says he is. I'm sorry, but it's a lie. Everything's a lie. A campaign commercial for Saxon plays with noteworthy supporters. SHARON OSBOURNE: I'm voting Saxon. He can tick my box any day. McFLY: Vote Saxon! Go Harry! ANN WIDDECOMBE: I think Mr Saxon is exactly what this country needs. He's a very fine man. And he's handsome too. Jack stops the commercial on the website. JACK: Former Minister of Defence. First came to prominence when he shot down the Racnoss on Christmas Eve. (Turns to Doctor) : Nice work, by the way. DOCTOR: (sitting on couch arm) : Oh, thanks. MARTHA: He goes back years. He's famous. Everyone knows his story. Look. Cambridge University, Rugby blue, won the Athletics thing, wrote a novel, went into business, marriage, everything. He's got a whole life. VIVIEN: All of it. The school days, his degree, even his mother and father. It's all invented. (Holds up photo). Look, Harold Saxon never went to Cambridge. There was no Harold Saxon. The thing is, it's obvious. The forgery is screaming out and yet no one can see it. It's as if he's mesmerized the entire world. LUCY: I think perhaps you should leave now. VIVIEN: 18 months ago he became real. This is his first, honest-to-God appearance, just after the downfall of Harriet Jones. And at the exact same time, they launched the Archangel Network. LUCY: Mrs Rook, now stop it. VIVIEN: Even now they say that the... the Cabinet has gone into seclusion. I mean, what does that mean, "seclusion"? LUCY: How should I know? VIVIEN: But I've got plenty of research on you. Yes, good family, Roedean, not especially bright but essentially harmless. (Sits beside Lucy). And that's why I'm asking you, Lucy. I'm begging you. If you have seen anything, heard anything, even the slightest thing that would give you cause to doubt him... LUCY: I think... VIVIEN: Yes? LUCY: There was a time when we first met, I wondered... But he was so good to my father. And he said... VIVIEN: What? Just tell me, sweetheart. LUCY: The thing is... I made my choice. VIVIEN: I'm sorry? LUCY: For better or for worse. Isn't that right, Harry? Saxon has joined them, leaning on the connecting door. SAXON: My faithful companion. VIVIEN: Mr Saxon. Prime Minister, I-I-I was just having a little joke with poor little Lucy. I, I didn't mean... SAXON (walks to centre of room): Oh, but you're absolutely right. Harold Saxon doesn't exist. VIVIEN: Then tell me... who are you? SAXON: I'm the Master and these (holds out his hands) are my friends. Four small metal spheres appear and float about him. VIVIEN: I'm sorry? SAXON: Can't you hear it, Mrs Rook? VIVIEN: What do you mean? SAXON: The drumbeat. The drums coming closer and closer. The spheres head towards Vivien spikes now sticking out from their lower halves. SPHERE 1 (female voice): The lady doesn't like us. The spheres advance on Vivien, the spikes spinning. SPHERE 2 (male voice): Silly lady. SPHERE 3 (male voice): Dead lady. Vivien screams. Lucy and Saxon exit the room and shut the door, deadening the screams. Saxon takes a breath and opens the door. The screams continue. Saxon winces and closes the door. He opens and closes the door again quickly, putting a fist to his mouth. LUCY (sighs): But she knew. Harry, she knew everything. You promised. You said Archangel was 100%. SAXON: Um, 99, 98? LUCY: But if she's asking questions, then who else? How much time have we got? Saxon holds his arms out and pulls her into a hug. SAXON: Tomorrow morning, I promise. That's when everything ends. Jack is making tea in the kitchen. JACK: But he's got a TARDIS. Maybe the Master went back in time and has been living here for decades. The Doctor is sitting at the desk. DOCTOR: No. JACK: Why not? Worked for me. DOCTOR: When he was stealing the TARDIS, the only thing I could do was fuse the coordinates. I locked them permanently. From Utopia. The Doctor is holding out the sonic screwdriver and the TARDIS console sparks. DOCTOR: He can only travel between the year 100 trillion and the last place the TARDIS landed. Which is right here, right now. JACK: Yeah, but a little leeway? DOCTOR: Well... 18 months, tops. The most he could have been here is 18 months. So how has he managed all this? The Master was always sort of... hypnotic but this is on a massive scale. MARTHA: I was gonna vote for him. DOCTOR: Really? MARTHA: Well, it was before I even met you. And I liked him. JACK: Me too. DOCTOR: Why do you say that? What was his policy? What did he stand for? MARTHA (dreamy): I dunno. He always sounded... good. (Fingers start tapping). Like you could trust him. Just nice. He spoke about... I can't really remember, but it was good. Just the sound of his voice. DOCTOR: What's that? MARTHA (startled): What? DOCTOR: That! That tapping, that rhythm! What are you doing? MARTHA: I dunno. It's nothing. It's j... I dunno! A tune plays from the website. "SAXON BROADCAST ALL CHANNELS" appears onscreen. DOCTOR: (turns on the TV) : Our lord and master is speaking to his kingdom. Onscreen Saxon is sitting in front of the ornate fireplace in the Cabinet Room. SAXON: Britain, Britain, Britain. What extraordinary times we've had. Just a few years ago, this world was so small. And then they came, out of the unknown, falling from the skies. Clip from ALIENS OF LONDON. You've seen it happen... Big Ben destroyed, a spaceship over London. Clip from ARMY OF GHOSTS. All those ghosts and metal men. Clip from RUNAWAY BRIDE. The Christmas star that came to kill. Time and time again the government told you nothing. Well not me. Not Harold Saxon. Because my purpose here today is to tell you this... citizens of Great Britain... I have been contacted. A message, for humanity, from beyond the stars. Nods to someone off camera. A video plays of one of the spheres delivering the message. SPHERE (female voice): People of the Earth, we come in peace. We bring great gifts. We bring technology and wisdom and protection. And all we ask in return is your friendship. SAXON: Ooh, sweet. And this species has identified itself. They're called the Toclafane. DOCTOR: What?! SAXON: And tomorrow morning they will appear. Not in secret, but to all of you. Diplomatic relations with a new species will begin. Tomorrow, we take our place in the universe. Every man, woman and child. Every teacher and chemist and lorry driver and farmer. And every... oh, I don't know... medical student? The DOCTOR whips around to look at Martha before turning the TV around to find a bomb ready to go off. The Doctor grabs the laptop as they rush out into the street just as the front window of her flat explodes. DOCTOR: All right? JACK: Fine, yeah, fine. DOCTOR: Martha? (Martha is using her mobile). What are you doing? MARTHA: He knows about me. What about my family? DOCTOR: Don't tell them anything! MARTHA: I'll do what I like! Mum? Oh my God, you're there. FRANCINE: Course I'm here, sweetheart. You all right? MARTHA: I'm fine. I'm fine. Mum, has there been anyone asking about me? We see Francine is not alone. The same blonde woman from "42" is there listening in on the conversation. FRANCINE: Martha, I think perhaps you should come 'round. MARTHA: I can't! Not now! FRANCINE: No, but it's your father. We've been talking and we thought we might give it another go. MARTHA: Don't be so daft! Since when? FRANCINE: Just come 'round. Come to the house, we can celebrate. MARTHA: You said you'd never get back with him in a million years. FRANCINE: Ask him yourself. Hands phone to Clive. CLIVE: Martha, it's me. MARTHA: Dad? What are you doing there? CLIVE: Like your mother said, come 'round. We can explain everything. MARTHA: Dad? Just say yes or now. Is there someone else there? CLIVE (pause) : Yes! Just run! Gets up and heads for the door. FRANCINE: Clive! CLIVE: Listen to me! Just run! (Is grabbed by two men). I don't know who they are! FRANCINE: We're trying to help her! Martha, don't listen to him! MARTHA: Dad! What's going on? Dad? Francine and Clive yell at each other as he is taken out of the house. MARTHA: I gotta help them! Runs to her car. DOCTOR: That's exactly what they want! It's a trap! MARTHA: I don't care! The Doctor gets into the front passenger seat while Jack takes the back. Clive is fighting as he's being taken to the waiting van. CLIVE: Get off! (Neighbours look to see what's going on). It's your fault, all of you! You voted Saxon! You did this! Francine watches from the front door. Martha drives recklessly down the road. DOCTOR: Corner! Martha takes the corner tightly, tyres squealing. SINISTER WOMAN: Mr Saxon, we have Condition Red on the Jones plan. We're taking them in. All of them. A man grabs Francine by the arms. FRANCINE: But I was helping you! Martha is waiting for a call to connect on her mobile. MARTHA: C'mon, Tish. Pick up. Tish is walking downstairs at Number 10. TISH: Martha, I can't talk right now. We just made first contact. Did you see... (Two men take her by the arms and carry her backwards up the stairs). What are you doing?! (Drops phone). Get off! Linda, tell them! Martha, Jack and the Doctor hear it all. MARTHA: What's happening?! Tish! (Glances at the Doctor). It's your fault! It's all your fault! FRANCINE: I was helping you! Get off me! (Martha comes around the corner and stops the car). Martha, get out of here! Get out! SINISTER WOMAN: Target identified. The police take position. DOCTOR: Martha, reverse. SINISTER WOMAN! Take aim... The police aim their weapons at the car. DOCTOR: Get out, now! Martha reverses into a 3-Point turn. SINISTER WOMAN: Fire! The police open fire. JACK: Move it! As they take off down the road, bullets shatter the rear window. SINISTER WOMAN: Take them away. Francine and Clive are locked away in the van. Francine watches her daughter escape. MARTHA (upset and sarcastic): The only place we can go... planet Earth. Great. DOCTOR: Careful! JACK: Now, Martha, listen to me. Do as I say. We've gotta ditch this car. Pull over. Right now! They leave the car and head off on foot. DOCTOR: Martha, come on! MARTHA (on mobile): Leo! Oh, thank God! Leo, you gotta listen to me. Where are you? Leo is walking along a promenade with his girlfriend and their son. LEO: I'm in Brighton. We came down with Boxer. Did you see that Saxon thing on telly? MARTHA: Leo, just listen to me. Don't go home, I'm telling you. Don't phone Mum or Dad or Tish. You've gotta hide. LEO (unbelieving): Shut up. MARTHA: On my life. You've gotta trust me. Go to Boxer's. Stay with him. (We see SAXON listening in from the Cabinet Room). Don't tell anyone! Just hide! SAXON: Ooh, a nice little game of hide-and-seek. I love that. But I'll find you, Martha Jones. Been a long time since we saw each other. Must be, what, one hundred trillion years? MARTHA: Let them go, Saxon. (The Doctor wheels about). Do you hear me?! Let them go! Saxon only smiles. DOCTOR (takes the phone from Martha) : I'm here. SAXON (serious, takes phone off speaker) : Doctor. DOCTOR: Master. SAXON: I like it when you use my name. DOCTOR: You chose it. Psychiatrist's field day. SAXON: As you chose yours. The man who makes people better. How sanctimonious is that? DOCTOR: So... Prime Minister. SAXON: I know. It's good, isn't it? DOCTOR: Who are those creatures? 'Cause there's no such thing as the Toclafane. It's just a made-up name like the Bogeyman. SAXON: Do you remember all those fairy tales about the Toclafane when we were kids? Back home. Where is it, Doctor? DOCTOR: Gone. SAXON: How can Gallifrey be gone? DOCTOR: It burnt. SAXON: And the Time Lords? DOCTOR: Dead. And the Daleks... more or less. What happened to you? SAXON: The Time Lords only resurrected me because they knew I'd be the perfect warrior for a Time War. I was there when the Dalek Emperor took control of the Cruciform. I saw it. I ran. I ran so far. Made myself human so they would never find me because... I was so scared. DOCTOR: I know. SAXON: All of them? But now you, which must mean... DOCTOR: I was the only one who could end it. And I tried. I did. I tried everything. SAXON: What did it feel like, though? Two almighty civilizations burning. Oh, tell me, how did it feel? DOCTOR: Stop it! SAXON: You must have been like God. DOCTOR: I've been alone ever since. But not anymore. Don't you see, all we've got is each other. SAXON: Are you asking me out on a date? DOCTOR: You could stop this right now. We could leave this planet. We could fight across the constellations if that's what you want. But not on Earth. SAXON: Too late. DOCTOR: Why do you say that? SAXON:: The drumming. (Drums fingers on table). I thought it would stop but it never does. Never ever stops. Inside my head, the drumming, Doctor. The constant drumming. DOCTOR: I could help you. Please, let me help. SAXON: It's everywhere. Listen, listen, listen. (Taps table). Here come the drums. Here come the drums. A man leaning on a building by the Doctor begins tapping his hands against his legs. DOCTOR: What have you done? Tell me how you've done this. What are those creatures? Tell me! SAXON (sitting in front of his laptop) : Ooh, look. You're on TV. DOCTOR: Stop it! Answer me! SAXON: No, really. You're on telly! (Clicks on BBC newscast). You and your little band, which, by the way, is ticking every demographic box. So, congratulations on that. Look, there you are! Ha! The Doctor sees a TV in a shop window. BBC NEWSCASTER: They are known to be armed and extremely dangerous. SAXON: You're public enemies number one, two and three. Oh, and you can tell handsome Jack that I've sent his little gang off on a wild goose chase to the Himalayas so he won't be getting any help from them. (Switches on CCTV outside the shop in time to see Martha and Jack join the Doctor). Now, go on, off you go. Why not start by turning to the right? DOCTOR (turns and notices the camera) : He can see us. Uses the sonic screwdriver on the camera. SAXON: Ooh, you public menace. Better start running. Go on. Run! DOCTOR: He's got control of everything. MARTHA: What do we do? JACK: We've got nowhere to go. MARTHA: Doctor, what do we do? SAXON: Run for your life, Doctor! DOCTOR: We run. The Doctor, Martha and Jack run through a shopping arcade. SAXON: I said, run! BBC NEWS: Tomorrow morning, Britain will be welcoming an extraterrestrial species... AMERICAN NEWS: The President is said to be furious that Great Britain has taken unilateral action. Chinese news comes on next before the channel changes to Teletubbies. Saxon is watching on his laptop in the Cabinet Room. One of the Toclafane appears. SAXON: Have you seen these things? This planet's amazing. Television in their stomach. Now that is evolution. TOCLAFANE (female voice): Is the machine ready? SAXON: Tomorrow morning. It reaches critical at 8:02 precisely. TOCLAFANE: We have to escape. Because it's coming, sir. The darkness, the never-ending darkness. The terrible, terrible cold. We have to run and run and run! SAXON: 8:00 tomorrow morning. Tell your people. The world is waiting. The Toclafane disappears and Saxon looks out through the window blinds. Martha walks into a disused warehouse, a carrier bag of takeaway in her hand. The Doctor is still at the laptop while Jack uses his manipulator. JACK: Ho was it? MARTHA: I don't think anyone saw me. Anything new? JACK: I've got this tuned into the government wavelength so we can follow what Saxon's doing. MARTHA: Yeah, I meant about my family. DOCTOR: It still says the Jones family taken in for questioning. Tell you what, though, no mention of Leo. MARTHA: He's not as daft as he looks. I'm talking about my brother on the run. How did this happen? JACK (sits): Nice chips. DOCTOR: Actually, they're not bad. Pops one into his mouth. Martha sits. She and Jack exchange looks and she nods her head in the Doctor's direction. JACK: So, Doctor, who is he? How come the ancient society of Time Lords created a psychopath? MARTHA: And what is he to you? Like a colleague... DOCTOR: A friend, at first. MARTHA: I thought you were gonna say he was your secret brother or something. The Doctor and Jack stare at her. DOCTOR: You've been watching too much TV. Martha chuckles half-heartedly. JACK: But all the legends of Gallifrey made it sound so perfect. DOCTOR: Well, perfect to look at, maybe. And it was, it was beautiful. (Leans back). They used to call it the Shining World of the Seven Systems. And on the Continent of Wild Endeavour, in the Mountains of Solace and Solitude, there stood the Citadel of the Time Lords... (We see a brilliant orange and yellow sky over snow-capped mountains and a large domed city). The oldest and most mighty race in the universe... looking down on the galaxies below... sworn never to interfere... only to watch... (A lone Time Lord stands in ceremonial robes and collar). Children of Gallifrey, taken from their families at the age of eight to enter the Academy. And some say that's when it all began. When he was a child... that's when the Master saw eternity. As a novice, he was taken for initiation, it's a gap in the fabric of reality through which could be seen the whole of the vortex. (A young boy is escorted to the schism). You stand there, eight years old... staring at the raw power of time and space, just a child. Some would be inspired... some would run away... and some would go mad. Close-up of the boy's eye reflecting the schism. MARTHA: What about you? DOCTOR (mouth full): Oh, the ones that ran away. I never stopped. Jack's manipulator beeps. JACK: Encrypted channel with files attached. Don't recognize it. DOCTOR: Patch it through to the laptop. JACK: Um, since we're telling stories, um, there's something I haven't told you. The Torchwood logo appears onscreen. DOCTOR: You work for Torchwood. JACK: I swear to you, it's different. It's changed. There's only half a dozen of us now. DOCTOR: Everything Torchwood did and you're part of it?! JACK: The old regime was destroyed at Canary Wharf. I rebuilt it, I changed it. And when I did that, I did it for you, in your honour. The Doctor only glares at him before opening the file. It is a video of Vivien Rook.. VIVIEN: If I haven't returned to my desk by 2200 hours, this file will be emailed to Torchwood. Which means, if you're watching this, then I'm... Anyway, the Saxon files are attached. But take a look at the Archangel document. That's when it all started. When Harry Saxon became Minister in charge of launching the Archangel Network. [SCENE_BREAK] The screen changes to show a graphic of a spinning Earth with satellites. DOCTOR: What's the Archangel Network? MARTHA (pulls out mobile) : I've got Archangel. Everyone's got it. JACK: It's the mobile phone network. 'Cause, look, it's gone worldwide. They've got 15 satellites in orbit. Even the other networks, they're all carried by Archangel. The Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver on Martha's phone. DOCTOR: It's in the phones! Oh, I said he was a hypnotist! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. (Taps phone against the table and it begins to beep in the same rhythm). There it is. That rhythm, it's everywhere. Ticking away in the subconscious. MARTHA: What is it, mind control? DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. Subtler than that. Any stronger and people would question it. But contained in that rhythm, in layers of code... Vote Saxon. Believe in me. Whispering to the world. Oh, yes! That's how he hid himself from me. 'Cause I should have sensed there was another Time Lord on Earth. I should have known way back. The signal cancelled him out. JACK: Any way you can stop it? DOCTOR: Not from down here. But now we know how he's doing it. MARTHA: And we can fight back. DOCTOR: Oh, yes! The Doctor takes apart the mobile and the laptop. He then takes Martha and Jack's TARDIS keys. He uses the sonic screwdriver to weld circuitry to the keys. He then ties them to string so they can be worn around the neck. DOCTOR: Three TARDIS keys, three pieces of the TARDIS with low-level perception properties because the TARDIS is designed to blend in. Well, sort of, but... Now! The Archangel Network's got a second low-level signal. Weld the key to the network and... Martha, (steps back) look at me. You can see me, yes? MARTHA: Yep! DOCTOR: What about now? Slips the key over his neck. Martha's vision veers off and she blinks. Jack chuckles. DOCTOR (echoing): No, I'm here. Look at me. MARTHA: It's like... I know you're there but I don't want to know. DOCTOR: And back again. (Takes off key). See? It just shifts your perception a tiny little bit. Doesn't make us invisible, just unnoticed. Oh, I know what it's like. It's like... it's like when you fancy someone and they don't even know you exist. That's what it's like. Come on! Martha looks at Jack. JACK: You too, hunh? They walk out onto the streets. DOCTOR: Don't run. Don't shout. Just keep your voice down. Draw attention to yourself and the spell is broken. Just keep to the shadows. JACK: Like ghosts. DOCTOR: Yeah, that's what we are. Ghosts. They each place a key around their necks before heading into the city. BBC NEWS: And as they eyes of the world turn towards Great Britain, sources indicate that Air Force One has landed on British soil tonight. Saxon and Lucyarrive with escort to greet President Winters on the tarmac. SAXON (salutes) : Mr President, sir! WINTERS: Mr Saxon. The British Army will stand down. From now on, UNIT has control of this operation. SAXON: You make it sound like an invasion. WINTERS: First contact policy was decided by the Security Council in 1968. And you've just gone and ignored it. SAXON: Well, you know what it's like. New job, all that paperwork. I think it's down the back of the settee. I did have a quick look. I found a pen, a sweet, a bus ticket and uh... have you met the wife? WINTERS: Mr Saxon, I'm not sure what your game is but there are provisions at the United Nations to have you removed from office unless you are very, very careful. Is that understood? (Saxon mimes zipping his lips). Are you taking this seriously? (Saxon nods). To business. We've accessed your files on these...Toclafane. (We see the Doctor, Martha and Jack, standing in the background). First contact cannot take place on any sovereign soil. For that purpose, the aircraft carrier Valiant is en route. The rendezvous will take place there at 8:00 am. (Saxon tries to talk through zipped lips). You're trying my patience, sir. SAXON (unzips lips) : So America is completely in charge? WINTERS: Since Britain elected an ass, yes. I'll see you onboard the Valiant. Turns to leave. SAXON: It still will be televised, though, won't it? Because I promised, and the whole world is watching. WINTERS: Since it's too late to pull out, the world will be watching. Me. Walks to waiting car. SAXON (to Lucy): The last President of America. We have a private plane ready and waiting. We should reach the Valiant within the hour. (Motions for Lucy to go first). My darling. Saxon turns to watch Winters drive away. Turning back he looks at the area with the Doctor, Martha and Jack are standing. We hear a siren and a police van pulls up. The Jones family are taken out. Saxon runs over like greeting old friends. SAXON (laughs): Hi, guys! All will be revealed! MARTHA: Oh my God. DOCTOR: Don't move. MARTHA: But... DOCTOR: Don't. The Jones family is transferred to a Land Rover. MARTHA: I'm gonna kill him. JACK: Say I use this perception filter to walk up behind him and break his neck? DOCTOR: Now that sounds like Torchwood. JACK: Still a good plan. DOCTOR: He's a Time Lord, which makes him my responsibility. I'm not here to kill him. I'm here to save him. JACK (using manipulator) : Aircraft carrier Valiant. It's a UNIT ship at 28.2N and 10.02E. MARTHA: How do we get onboard? DOCTOR (to Jack): Does that thing work as a teleport? JACK: Since you revamped it, yeah. Coordinates set. The Doctormakes sure they're all touching the manipulator before activating it. They arrive in one of the Valiant's engine rooms. Martha and Jack groan. MARTHA: Oh, that thing is rough. JACK: I've has worse nights. (Cracks neck). Welcome to the Valiant. MARTHA: It's dawn. (Walks to porthole). Hold on, I thought this was a ship. Where's the sea? JACK: A ship for the 21st century. Protecting the skies of planet Earth. They look out the porthole. The Valiant is a massive aircraft carrier in the sky with three landing strips. Saxon and Lucy arrive at the bridge/conference room of the Valiant. There are secret service agents, various military personnel as well as camera crews preparing for the event. WINTERS: I want the whole thing branded in my sort of honest, not the United Nations. Got that? SAXON (walks up to Winters) : Anything I can do? I could make tea or isn't that American enough? I don't know, I could make grits. What are grits, anyway? WINTERS: It you could just sit. SAXON (turns and makes a face) : Misery guts. What do you think? It's good, isn't it? Pulls out a chair for Lucy. LUCY: It's beautiful. SAXON: Some of my best work. (Whispers). Ministry of Defence. I helped design this place. (Sits beside her). Every detail. The Doctor, Martha and Jack run through the maintenance corridors. The Doctor stops. JACK: We've no time for sightseeing! DOCTOR: No, no. Wait. Shh, shh, shh. Can't you hear it? JACK: Hear what? MARTHA: Doctor, my family's on board. Strides past. DOCTOR: Brilliant! This way! They change direction and run through more corridors. The Doctor opens a set of doors to reveal the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Oh, at last! MARTHA: Oh, yes! [i]Laughs.[/i] JACK: What's it doing on the Valiant ? They open the doors to the TARDIS to see a very different interior bathed in red. JACK: What the hell's he done? DOCTOR: Don't touch it. JACK: I'm not going to. MARTHA: What's he done though? Sounds like it's... sick. The console has been stripped of certain parts and caged off. DOCTOR: It can't be. No, no, no, no, no, no, it can't be. MARTHA: Doctor, what is it? DOCTOR: He's cannibalised the TARDIS. JACK: Is that what I think it is? DOCTOR: It's a paradox machine. WINTERS: Two minutes, everyone! (Climbs steps). According to the treaty, all armed personnel are requested to leave the flight deck immediately. Thank you. Saxon and Lucy are watching like it's all entertainment. SAXON (to Lucy): Jelly baby? WINTERS: Broadcasting at 7:58 with the arrival timed at 08:00 precisely. And, uh, good luck to all of us. DOCTOR: As soon as this hits red, it activates. At this speed, it'll trigger (looks at Jack's watch) at two minutes past 8:00. JACK: First contact is at 8:00 and then two minutes later... MARTHA: What's it for? What's a paradox machine do? JACK: More importantly, can you stop it? DOCTOR: Not until I know what it's doing. Touch the wrong bit and blow up the solar system. MARTHA: Then we've got to get to the Master. JACK: Yeah. How do we stop him? DOCTOR: Oh, I've got a way. Sorry, didn't I tell you? Grins. BBC NEWS: And in just 30 seconds' time, we'll be going live for first contact. (Scenes of different people watching the broadcast are intercut). It has been announced that Harold Saxon has invited President Winters to take the address. AMERICAN NEWS: It's 3:00 in the morning on the eastern seaboard and President Winters has been chosen to lead the world into a new age. WINTERS: My fellow Americans, patriots, people of the world... I stand before you today as ambassador for humanity, a role I will undertake with utmost solemnity. Perhaps our Toclafane cousins can offer us much, but that is important is not that we gain material benefits, but that we learn to see ourselves anew. (The Doctor, Jack and Martha enter the room. Saxon's smile disappears). For as long as man has looked to the stars, he has wondered what mysteries they hold. Now we know we are not alone... JACK: This plan, you gonna tell us? DOCTOR: If I can get this (holds key) around the Master's neck... cancel out his perception, they'll see him for real. It's just hard to go unnoticed with everyone on red alert. If they stop me... you've got a key. JACK: Yes, sir. MARTHA: I'll get him. WINTERS: And I ask you now, I ask of the human race, to join with me in welcoming our friends. I give you the Toclafane. (The spheres appear around him). My name is Arthur Coleman Winters, President-Elect of the United States of America and designated representative of the United Nations. I welcome you to the planet Earth and its associated moon. TOCLAFANE 1 (male voice): You're not the Master. TOCLAFANE 2 (female voice): We like the Mr Master. TOCLAFANE 3 (male voice): We don't like you. WINTERS: I... can be Master, if you so wish. I will accept mastery over you if that is God's will. TOCLAFANE 3: Man is stupid. TOCLAFANE 1: Master is our friend. TOCLAFANE 2: Where's my Master, pretty please? SAXON: Oh, all right then. It's me. (Stands). Ta-da! (Laughs). Sorry. Sorry, I have this effect. People just get obsessed. Is it the smile? Is it the aftershave? Is it the capacity to laugh at myself? I don't know. It's crazy! WINTERS: Saxon, what are you talkin' about? SAXON (serious, faces Winters) : I'm taking control, Uncle Sam. Starting with you. (To Toclafane): Kill him. One of the Toclafane shoots Winters with a laser and he disintegrates. Chaos erupts as everyone tries to leave the room. Saxon's people pull out their weapons. SAXON (laughs): Guards! GUARD: Nobody move! Nobody move! SAXON (into camera): Now then, peoples of the Earth, please attend carefully. The Doctor rushes forward. GUARD: Stop him! Two guards grab the Doctor and force him to kneel on the floor. SAXON: We meet at last, Doctor. Oh, ho! I love saying that! DOCTOR: Stop this! Stop it now! SAXON: As if a perception filter's gonna work on me. Oh, and look, it's the girlie and the freak. Although, I'm not sure which one's which. (Jack rushes him and Saxon fires a laser and Jack falls to the floor). Laser screwdriver, who'd have sonic? And the good thing is, he's not dead for long. I get to kill him again! Martha goes to Jack. DOCTOR: Master, just calm down. Just look at what you're doing. Just stop. If you could see yourself... SAXON (sighs, to camera) : Oh, do excuse me, little bit of personal business. Back in a minute. (To guards) : Let him go. The guards push the Doctor to the floor. DOCTOR: It's that sound, the sound in your head. What if I could help? SAXON: Oh, how to shut him up? I know. Memory Lane! (Sits on steps facing Doctor). Professor Lazarus. Remember him? And his genetic manipulation device? Scenes from "Lazarus Experiment". Did you think that little Tish got that job merely by coincidence? I've been laying traps for you all this time. And if I can concentrate all that Lazarus technology into one little screwdriver... But, ooh, if I only had the Doctor's biological code. Oh, wait a minute, I do! (Runs to silver case and opens it). I've got his hand! And if Lazarus made himself younger, what if I reverse it? Another hundred years? Saxon aims the screwdriver at the Doctor who screams as he goes into convulsions as his genetic makeup is altered. Jack revives. JACK: Teleport. Hands Martha the manipulator. MARTHA: I can't. JACK: We can't stop him. Get out of here. Get out. Saxon stops and the Doctor now has the body of a very old man. Martha crawls to his side. MARTHA: Doctor, I've got you. SAXON: Aw, she's a would-be doctor. But tonight, Martha Jones, we've flown 'em in all the way from prison. The door slides open and guards escort in Francine, Clive and Tish. MARTHA: Mum. FRANCINE (crying): I'm sorry. DOCTOR (breathing heavily): The Toclafane, who are they? Who are they? SAXON: Doctor, if I told you the truth, your hearts would break. TOCLAFANE 1: Is it time? TOCLAFANE 3: Is it ready? TOCLAFANE 2: Is the machine singing? SAXON(checks watch): Two minutes past. (Mounts steps and stands by Lucy). So! Earthings. Basically, um, end of the world. (Holds up screwdriver). Here... come... the drums! Rogue Trader's "Voodoo Child": # Here come the drums. Here come the drums... The paradox machine activates. # Baby, baby, baby. You are my voodoo child, my voodoo child... Saxon looks out the window. # Don't say maybe, maybe. It's supernatural. I'm comin' undone... Above the Valiant, a rift rears open in the sky. # Baby, baby, baby. You are my voodoo child, my voodoo child... Toclafane by the thousands exit the rift. # Don't say maybe, maybe. It's supernatural. I'm comin' undone. Baby, baby, baby. You are my voodoo child, my voodoo child...#. Saxon and Lucy watch from the bridge. SAXON: How many do you think? LUCY: I don't know. SAXON: Six billion. (Switches on outside speaker). Down you go, kids! The Toclafane swarm down to Earth, zeroing in on Manhattan, Tokyo, (?), and London. People go into the streets to see and the Toclafane begin firing indiscriminately. SAXON (to Lucy): Shall we decimate them? That sounds good. Nice word, decimate. (To Toclafane): Remove one-tenth of the population! The Toclafane burst into people's homes. Martha can only cry as she listens to the messages coming in from the surface. MESSAGE 1: Valiant, this is Geneva! We're getting slaughtered down here! Martha stands, leaving the Doctor. MESSAGE 2: Help us, for God's sake! Help us! They're everywhere! MESSAGE 3: This is London, Valiant ! This is London calling! What do we do?! Martha looks at her family. MESSAGE 4: They're killing us! The Toclafane are killing us! With a last look at the Doctor, Martha activates the teleporter. The Doctor and Jack exchange a look before the Doctor turns to look at Saxon. Martha arrives in a field (Hampstead Heath?) overlooking the destruction of London. MARTHA: I'm coming back. She runs off. Saxon forces the Doctor to watch the fall of Earth from a window. SAXON: And so it came to pass... that the human race fell and the Earth was no more. And I looked down upon my new dominion as master of all and I thought it... good. Close-up of the Doctor, helplessness evident on his face. To be continued...
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(Camera focuses on the water. Faces can be seen in the background, Derek looking into the tub, Cristina poking out from around her locker, Bailey in the ambulance bay, George at the crash scene, Alex with Jane Doe, Izzie with Rick, Ellis in her hospital bed, and Lisa walking away from the dock) MVO: Like I said disappearances happen. Pains go phantom, blood stops running, and people fade away. (Meredith is swimming and fighting. She emerges from the water and is trying to surface.) MVO: There's more I have to say. So much more. But I've disappeared. (Meredith sinks into the water and the water calms as bubbles appear) (Cristina is at a nurse's station.) Nurse Kate: Did you check on Kramer in 2309 because his x-rays are done and I don't know what to do? Tyler: Higgins in 2312 needs diet orders before... Cristina: Done and done. I need you to monitor Collins in 2323. Page me if his systolic drops below 90. I gave him a low dose of dig to lower his heart rate. And have either of you seen Dr. Grey? Kate: Uh, I checked on her earlier but she's a little sedate today. Cristina: Not Dr. Ellis Grey. Dr. Meredith Grey. Kate: No. Tyler: Not since this morning. Cristina: Fine. Um, if there's anything emergent page me in the pit. (Carly's OR) Carly: George, did you find him? Is Chris ok? Is he awake? Is he...? Bailey: Answer Mrs. Height, O'Malley. George: Chris is fine. He's glad you're ok and he'll be waiting for you after surgery. He's being very brave Carly: That's my Chris. That's my boy. Thank you, Dr. O'Malley. Thank you so much. (George goes to leave and Bailey walks with him) Bailey: Dr. O'Malley. Hold up a second. What happens when the happy mother in there wakes up and her son isn't there to greet her? What then? How you gonna explain that? O'Malley? George: If she wakes up after surgery because of my lie, I'm ok with that Dr. Bailey. Bailey: Find that child. George: Yes, ma'am. (Jane Doe's room) Richard: Her echo's showed cardiac tamponade. Burke: So out first priority is stabilize the traumatic pericardial infusion. Addison: Keeping mom alive means keeping baby alive. I'll monitor the surgery while he operates. Burke: I'll notify the OR. (Burke leaves as Alex enters) Alex: Chief, we've got a mob scene in the clinic of people looking for missing family members and nothing but a two hour old list of patients. Richard: No one has any more information than you do. The police are asking us questions. Search and rescue can't track it. Well have to do it ourselves. Alex: Is there some kind of system that...? Richard: You're the system, Karev. Figure it out. (Richard leaves) Alex: How's she doing? Addison: Well, we won't know until we get her up to the OR. She's still a Jane Doe? Alex: Yeah. Addison: To be in that condition and have no one that even knows. Alex: What? Addison: She's all-alone. It makes you think. I mean, if I went missing would anyone even know I was gone. (The accident scene) Friend: Do something. Izzie: He's still seizing, there's nothing more I can do. Vince: You're supposed to put something in his mouth so he can't bite his tongue. Aren't ya? Izzie: Nobody's putting anything in his mouth. We just have to just him ride it out. Vince: What are you gonna do? You can't just let him die. Izzie: They're gonna come soon, in a little while, and they'll get him out. Vince: You said we don't get much time. Greg: What if they don't get him out from there before he... Izzie: I don't know. I don't know, ok? I don't know. Vince: Please, you can't quit on us now. You just...you just gotta try something else. Izzie: I'm out of practice. I've been watching. For weeks, I've just been watching. And I...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Vince: You stopped the bleeding, that was good. Come on please. I...I know this guy. I believe in him. I believe he can make it. You gotta believe in it too. You gotta believe you can do this, please. Don't stop now. Izzie: Who's got a cell phone? (All three of them hand their cell phones to Izzie) (Derek is walking through the trauma scene) Derek: You guys good? You ok? Yeah, what do you got? Paramedic: Severely severed leg but he's got his artery tied off so...something. Derek: Yeah, who tied off the artery? (He looks at the coat on the business man and sees Meredith's name badge) Dr. Grey? This is her jacket. Paramedic: We found him like this. She must have moved on. Derek: Yeah, ok. (Derek looks up and sees Lisa standing there all-alone.) Doctor: Doc? Derek: Yeah. What is it? Just stabilize the fracture and get him to the hospital as soon as possible. (He makes his way over to Lisa) Hi. You ok? Did a doctor bring you here? Huh, Meredith? Meredith ok? (Lisa shakes her head no and the scene changes to Meredith under water. She is no longer swimming or struggling in any way. She is merely sinking.) (George is in the clinic with the picture of Chris. He is walking around looking at the boys in the room. He stops at one little boy) George: Hi, my name's George. Is your name Chris? Boy: No. George: (To the man nearby) Is he...? Thank you. (To the boy) Thank you, very much. (George leaves the clinic as Alex enters. The people see Alex entering and flock to him.) Man: Do you have a new list? Alex: Uh, not yet. Man: Nothing? How can there be no new information? Angry Lady: Isn't there someone you can call? Someone who knows something. Alex: Uh, nobody knows anything right now. (The crowd begins yelling at Alex) Quiet! All right, that list is all I have for you and it sucks but that's it. (The crowd is yelling again) Angry Lady: I can't believe you don't have some kind of a system. I mean... Alex: Give me a minute to think, I'll come up with a damn system. (The crowd disperses with the attitude that Alex should be more understanding) Sydney: I just want you to know that I understand you're under a lot of pressure. If you...if you just need to sit for a minute, or if you need a hand, or a hug. (Alex sees a Polaroid camera on the counter. He takes it and walks off. Sydney looks like she feels very useless) (Richard is in the gallery above Jane Doe's surgery when his cell phone rings) Richard: Chief Webber. Izzie: Oh, chief, I gotta guy here and we can't extricate him... Richard: Hold on, who is this? Izzie: ...and I've tried everything... Richard: Hold on. Who is this? Izzie: It's Izzie Stevens. I'm at the dock. I've got a patient with a depressed skull fracture and probably an inter-cranial bleed. Richard: Is he showing signs of increased pressure? Izzie: Yes, his left pupil is blown, he's gone limp, he's seizing and now his right pupil is dilating. Richard: He could be herniating. What's your ETA to the hospital. (Richard is now in the hallway) Izzie: That's what I'm saying, we can't get him out. He's stuck under a car and we can't get him out. Richard: Ok, first you've got to stay calm. Izzie: I can't stay calm. Calm was over minutes ago, calm is gone, calm is an impossibility. I've got his best friends here and I can't let him die. So, please just tell me what I need to do. Richard: You need to do some burr holes. Izzie: Burr holes? I can't do burr holes out here. Richard: Do you want to save his life, Stevens? Izzie: Yes. Richard: All right, I need a minute to check something out in the book and then I'll talk you through it. Izzie: You're looking it up in a book? Richard: I'm not a neurosurgeon, Stevens. And I want to make sure we get this right. (Loudly to the people around him) Somebody find me a copy of Boardman's Neurosurgery. (Mark walks up) Mark: Everything ok? Richard: You know anything about making burr holes? Mark: Done it a couple times. Richard: Good, don't go anywhere. Stevens, listen to me. Izzie: (To Vince and his friends) I'm gonna need a drill. Vince: There's one in my truck. Friend: What do you need a drill for? Izzie: I've gotta drill holes in your friend's head. (Vince and his friends all look at Izzie like she is insane. Izzie looks rather nauseous.) (George is in the ER looking for Chris. He is looking over, under and behind everything. He looks behind the curtain that is near Cristina.) Cristina: Hello, I'm suturing here. George: Sorry. Cristina: You just get back? George: Yeah. Um, I'm looking...have you, uh, seen any lost children down here? Cristina: Is Meredith back too? Cause I need her it's really important. This kids missing, his mom's in surgery. Cristina: What kind of surgery? George: This kids lost. You didn't see it today, Cristina. You weren't out there. Cristina: I know. George: Have you seen any lost kids down here, or not? Cristina: Not. George: Ok. Cristina: Do you know where Meredith is? George: I'm leaving. Cristina: Yeah, I know. (Alex is in the clinic tacking polaroids of the injured to the bulletin board) Alex: All right, if you can identify the patient, please write their name on their picture. Sydney: I've got markers. Alex: These patients are in surgery and these patients are in the ICU. Man 2: This is Patina. Is she ok? Alex: Uh, yeah. She's in the OR, stable. Ok, all these people have been transferred from other hospitals. Sydney: And I have the details. Alex: (To Sydney) If it's ok, I've gotta a case I need to check on. (Alex starts to leave and is stopped by Angry Lady) Angry Lady: My husband's not on that board. Man: Kelly Winters, she's not either. Angry Lady: What does that mean? Alex: It's...it's...they could be in shock or walked away from the site or... Angry Lady: Just say it. A lot of people died. They're dead. Alex: We don't know that. Man: So, how can we know? Man 3: My wife? She wasn't in these photos either but she's pregnant. Is it possible you just didn't see her? Alex: She's pregnant? (Lisa and Derek are at the scene. She looks very frightened and is trying to look around for some familiar landmark or person. Derek is holding her hand.) Derek: What? It's ok. Just think. Where is she? Which way did she go? It's ok. Take your time. Take all the time you need, you're doing great. What is it? (Lisa spots a red cross sign and walks toward it) Derek: Good. (They stop on the dock. Lisa stares out into the water.) Derek: Ok, use your words. Where exactly is Meredith. (She points into the water and Derek looks terrified) (Meredith is still sinking and then the scene changes to Jane Doe's surgery) Burke: The leak in the heart is coming from the right atrium. Addison: Are you gonna put her on bypass cause that could compromise the baby. Burke: No, I can fix her heart while it's still beating. Push 40 milligrams of abizonole. (Alex enters) Alex: Found her husband. I found him. She's not a Jane Doe. Her name's Casey. Casey Clarke. (Addison gives him a look) What? Addison: How do you know? Alex: What? Addison: How do you know it's Casey Clarke? Alex: Well she's pregnant and... Addison: There were hundreds of people on that ferry, Alex. Hundreds. And chances are that more than one were pregnant. Now, do not give that man hope unless you are certain. Do not give him hope until you've checked every last body in the morgue. Alex: Dr. Burke can I, uh...(He holds up the camera) Burke: Yes, make it fast. (Alex leaves) Addison: I gotta tell ya, this group of interns... Burke: Emotional. Addison: Head strong. Burke: Hot headed, stubborn, they think they know everything. And you can only give them so much rope before they hang themselves with it. It's like they lose all rationality. They won't listen to reason. Addison: Geez Preston, don't hold back. (The monitor starts beeping) Addison: It's getting hypotensive. All right, I'm seeing some late decels in the fetal heart monitor. Baby is not getting enough blood. Burke: Almost...just got one...more stitch. Got it, turn on the Echo. Addison: Baby's heart rate stabilized. Burke: Hmm, think we've seen the worst of it. (Alex enters the stairwell where George is squatting and looking at a map of the hospital) Alex: What's the deal? George: Do you know how massive this hospital is? How many people, not just sick people, not to mention, if I'm a little kid, how many places can I hide. He's little. A little kid could hide anywhere. Alex: What you're looking for a kid? George: Yeah. His mom's in surgery and I um...if I don't find him Bailey will...well to start she'll change her son's middle name to Elvis or Tupperware or...I'm not kidding, anything will be better than George. Alex: I know a place a kid might be. George: Really. (George and Alex are in the morgue. Alex is taking pictures) George: You could have warned me. Alex: You didn't check down here, right? George: No. Alex: So, stop whining and tell me if you find a pregnant chick. You know, you're not the only one with a detail that sucks. You know, I'm supposed to deal with these freaked out families. I'm not good with people; they should just let me stick to patients. George: Patients are people, especially kids. Alex: You know what I mean. George: He's face down. How does that...? Come here and help me turn his body right. Alex: Dude. George: Don't tell me it doesn't matter. God, I swear to... Alex: Dramatic much? George: This doesn't bother you? Any of this? All this death, it doesn't mean anything to you? Alex: I'm working, why would it? George: Yeah but I was working when...Caucasian female about 30 years old. She's...she's pretty. She looks about 7 months pregnant. (Alex takes a picture) (The scenes, Greg is holding the phone up) Richard: Now remember Stevens that drill just isn't going to stop like a neurosurgical drill. So, as soon as you feel the release in pressure, stop the drill or you'll pierce his brain. Izzie: Even if I don't see blood? [SCENE_BREAK] (Mark and Richard are in an x-ray room) Mark: Trust your instincts Stevens, trust the feel of it. Izzie: I'm ready. No, wait, I need to clean the drill off, one more time. Richard: You've cleaned it a dozen times Stevens, it's as clean as it's gonna get. You ready? Izzie: Yes. Richard: Ok, place three fingers above the ear and two or three fingers in front of that on the side where the first pupil blew. Izzie: Got it. Richard: All right, now use the scalpel to make a vertical scalp incision down to the skull. Friend: Jeez. Izzie: I see a lot of blood, a lot. Mark: Superficial bleeders, nothing to worry about. Richard: Are you at the skull? Izzie: Yes. Richard: Drill a hole in the middle of the incision. (Friend hands her a power drill) Vince: Oh, god. Izzie: Ok, that can't happen. Do you understand me? Sounds can't happen. Freaking out can't happen. Because if you freak out, I'm gonna freak out. And I'm the one holding a power drill to your friend's brain. So, if you're gonna vomit, if you're gonna make sounds, step away. If you're gonna stay here you have to pull it together, ok? Vince: I'm good, doc. Izzie: Ok, I'm ready. Mark: The temporal bones only gonna be a couple millimeters thick. Izzie: Ok, I'm in. But the dura looks fine. Richard: You're gonna have to go in again. Izzie: Frontal lobe, right? Richard: That's right. Just behind the hairline, a few centimeters off the midline. Mark: This bone will be thicker, about five times as think as the temporal bone. Izzie: Ok, got it. Second hole down. Mark: What do you see? Izzie: I think I see...blood. I see blood. Richard: Ok, now this is important. Drill around the hole to expand the opening. You have to try and relieve the pressure. Izzie: Ok. Ok. The hole is about 2 centimeters around now. I see blood, I definitely see blood. Richard: Try to evacuate as much of the clot as you can. Izzie: With what? I don't have suction. Mark: Use your finger, gauze, anything. Izzie: I see clotted blood. Richard: No arterial? Izzie: No. Richard: Good, now how does the dura look? Is it bulging or does it look lax? (Mark and Richard both look proud of Izzie) Izzie: Looks like it's pulsating regularly with the heartbeat. That's another good, right? Richard: That's great, Stevens. If it's pulsating that means blood and oxygen are entering the brain. Now, pack it with gauze so you can minimize the bleeding. Izzie: Ok, get the rescue rig in here. Richard: Nicely done, Stevens. Vince: Is that it, is he gonna be ok? Izzie: We've relieved the pressure on his brain but he's still got a lot of other injuries. Friend: Hey, his eyes are open. (They all have a moment of relief) (Lisa is standing on the dock staring into the water when a coast guard officer walks up) Coast Guard: Hey kid! Kid! You ok? You need to come with me. Kid? (He picks Lisa up and starts to carry her away. As he is walking you hear coughing and then Derek walks onto the dock with a very blue and very, very lifeless Meredith in his arms) (Derek is in the ambulance performing CPR on Meredith) Derek: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Paramedic: ETA's five minutes. Derek: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...1, 2, 3, 4, 5. (Derek continues CPR with no response from Meredith) (George enters Carly's OR) George: How is she doing? Bailey: Good, no intestinal damage. Missed all her vital organs, she's almost done here. You find her son? George: I've looked everywhere. I've been in contact with the scene, with Mercy West, with Seattle Presbyterian, I've checked in the...he's lost. Or...Or, uh. Bailey: He's in the water. So, when she wakes up I get to inform her that she's not going to die, she's just gonna want to die. George: I'm sorry, I'll...I'm gonna keep looking. Bailey: Yeah, you do that. (Izzie arrives at the hospital with Rick in the ambulance. Richard rushes out to greet her.) Izzie: His right pupils not dilating anymore. He's normal tensive but his pulse is still up in the 130's. Richard: Ok, what's his neurological status? Izzie: GCS is eight. I'm sorry, I ran out of sterile drapes, I had to use some guys t-shirt. It wasn't sweaty or anything, he was a clean guy but... Richard: Ok, call the OR, tell them we're coming up. Izzie: I also dropped the scalpel in the field and by that time I had used all the alcohol swabs on the drill bit. So, I think we should load him up on antibiotics. Lots and lots of antibiotics. Richard: Stevens, you put a drill through a man's skull and didn't hit his brain. You saved his life. Get cleaned up and get to the OR, you've got work to do. Izzie: The OR? Richard: Yes, the OR, you're officially off of probation. (Izzie passes Cristina in the hall) Izzie: Oh, Cristina! Oh my god, you are not gonna believe what I just did. I'm gonna tell you but you are not gonna believe it. You're gonna think I made the whole thing up. Cristina: You're back? Wait, is Meredith back? Izzie: I drilled a hole into this guy's skull. Cristina: What? Izzie: Several holes actually, with a drill I borrowed from a guy named Vince. Packed the whole with freaking tissue then brought him back here and now I get to scrub in on his craniotomy. Cristina: So, you haven't seen Meredith. Izzie: It was like a ride, this crazy roller coaster ride with like adrenaline shooting out of my ears. You think that my hands would be shaking but they weren't, there was no shaking. Did I mention the drill? Cristina: Ok, Izzie, I get it. You are a hero, I am jealous. But I need to know where the hell Meredith is. Izzie: Ok...I don't know where the hell Meredith is but...she should be back here. I didn't see her at the scene. The scene where I was a rockstar, by the way. Did I mention I'm off probation? (Izzie starts to walk away and Cristina gives her a look) Izzie: Rockstar! (Alex is in the clinic and has the pictures of the dead people from the ferry accident) Alex: These photos are fatalities. I know it's difficult but please try to ID who you can. (The people go to the board and slowly take the pictures of their loved ones. Alex is finally touched by the situation) (Rick's OR) Mark: We've agreed to let you do the honors. A few more burr holes to start the craniotomy. Izzie: Really? Mark: You saved his life, you might as well help finish what you started. After I strip off the periosteom you can see what a high-speed neurosurgical drill feels like. Izzie: Drill, please. (Izzie holds the drill smiling) (Alex is in the clinic and sees the devestation of the crowd. He looks around and understands all of it finally. He walks up to the husband of the pregnant woman) Man 3: I have...we have two pregnant women. One of them is...she's in bad shape. She's pretty beat up. She might be hard to recognize. Man 3: That...I don't know. What color's her hair? Alex: Brown, reddish. Man 3: My wife is blonde, brownish but blonde. Alex: Well sometimes the blood makes it look darker like that, red. I know you can't tell from the photo but her eyes their pretty distinctive. Man 3: Casey's eyes are very distinctive. Alex: Brown but not that really dark, dark brown but golden and really warm. Man 3: It's not her. Casey's are blue, very, very blue. Alex: I'm sorry. Man 3: I thought you said you...had two pregnant women. Alex: Yeah, we um...the other one is um...she's... Man 3: Oh, god...oh no...Casey. Oh, Casey. (Alex sees the loss around the room) (The ambulance with Derek and Meredith arrive and Bailey is in the ambulance bay to get it) Bailey: What do we got? Paramedic: Jane Doe, hypothermic, drowning. Derek: She's not Jane Doe, it's Meredith Grey. It's Meredith. Bailey: Derek! Derek, Derek, how long she been down? Derek: I don't know. She's alive, she's alive. Bailey: Derek! Derek: She's alive. Bailey: Ok, look. I need you to help me get her inside. (Loudly) Clear a trauma bay, stat! Move it! (Burke walks up to Cristina who is in the ER still doing sutures) Cristina: How was your surgery Dr. Burke? Burke: Well, the patient is out of the woods now, Dr. Yang. Thanks for asking. (Cristina yanks the stitch she is doing) Patient: Ow! Cristina: You're numbed. Patient: Whatever. It looked harsh. Cristina: (To Nurse) Here, finish this please. (Cristina walks into an empty room and Burke follows her) Burke: What is your problem? Cristina: You know, everyone's back. Everyone's back except here. And I listened to her, everyday about her McLove life and McDreamy and McCrap. And on the one day, the one day I have a thing...she's disappears. Burke: Meredith? This is about Meredith. Cristina: She doesn't know yet. Burke: Meredith? Cristina: She's my person! Burke: Right. And if Meredith doesn't approve, then what? Cristina: No, no, no. This is not about getting her approval. It's about... Burke: What? Cristina: Telling her...makes it...makes it...if I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. Burke: Ok, see now, you're likening someone here to a corpse. I'm done. Cristina: She's my person. (Burke leaves and Cristina's pager goes off) (Rick's OR) Doctor: Removing the bone flap. Izzie: Ready with suction. Mark: Looking good. Izzie: Yes, yes it is. (Izzie's pager goes off) Nurse: Dr. Stevens, it's your pager. Izzie: That's ok. It can wait. Nurse: I think you wanna take this page. (Alex is looking in on Jane Doe, Addison is in the room) Alex: How's she doing? Addison: She's holding steady for now. Anybody claim her yet? Alex: No, she's still a Jane Doe. I'd notice. Addison: What? Alex: If you went missing, I'd notice. (Alex goes to leave and his pager goes off) (George is sitting on the steps near the OR board looking at Chris' picture. He stands up and looks at the board noticing there is a seven year old boy in surgery) (Callie's OR) Callie: All right, I need a little more suction here, please. (George enters) George: Callie? Callie: O'Malley, I'm working. What do you want? George: I read on the board you're doing an internal fixation of the lumber spine on a John Doe from the ferry crash, age 7. Callie: That's right. George: Can I see his face? Callie: I'm in the middle of surgery. George: I know. (He walks over and holds a picture up) George: Is this boy you're patient? (Callie scoffs) I know the pictures half smeared and hard to see. Please tell me it's him, tell me he's been right here under my nose, open on your table all day and not drifting along the bottom of the ocean. Please tell me that. Callie: Hold the picture under my light so I can get a better look. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I could spot those goofy ears anywhere. George: Really? Callie: Really. George: Callie O'Malley, I can't kiss you right now cause you're scrubbed in but tonight when you get home, I am going to... Callie: All right, ok, all right. People lets focus here, George I'm working. George: Yeah. Callie: I'm...I'm working. George: Ok. Callie: So, yeah. Bye. (George's pager goes off and he leaves) (Lisa is standing in the clinic alone when a lady rushes up to her) Lady: Oh my god! Oh my god! You're safe, you're safe! Oh honey, mommy's so sorry she got lost. Lisa! (Meredith's trauma room) Derek: They put a 20 gauge IV in but I think it blew. Bailey: I'll start a central line but you have to get out of the way. Derek: We put 3 milligrams of epi down the ET tube... Bailey: Derek! Derek: ...this was three minutes ago we should push... (Richard enters) Richard: Shepherd, get out! Derek: I think we should push just one atropine...I think I saw some reactivity in the pupils before the atropine and I think...she might have actually had some cardiac... Richard: Shepherd, get out! Derek: We need to put an external pacer on just to be sure. Richard: We need to save her life. You can't do this, we need to do this. Now go! Go. (Derek goes in the hall) Bailey: Ok, she has a new 18 gauge in her left AC push 1 of epi through it. (Burke walks into the hall and peeks in Meredith's room. Derek is sitting in the hall looking devastated and lost) Burke: The chief is working on her, man. Derek: He threw me out. Burke: What do you need? Derek: I need you to go in there. (Burke enters the room) Richard: Give me a new warm blanket her temps still only at 80 degrees. Burke: What can I do? Richard: She needs an ABG. (Monitors start beeping) Richard: Whoa, was that V-fib. Charge to 300. Lets go, lets go, lets go. Clear. (Addison enters) Richard: Back to asystole. Keep compressions going. Addison: Oh, my god. Burke: She's hypothermic. Addison: Uh, have you tried a warm peritoneal lavage? Or even, a continuous bladder lavage with warm fluids? Could do a thoracotomy. Richard: Get back to the ABG. Come on, lets go people. (Derek is sitting in the hall, Mark walks up and looks down at him. Derek nods and Mark sits down next to him. Mark puts his hand on Derek's arm) (Meredith's room. She is still blue) Bailey: How's her temp? Richard: Only up to 81 now. Addison: Come on, Meredith. Don't do this. (A nurse leaves the room and Addison glances out the door to see Mark and Derek sitting in the hall) (Izzie, Alex and George are standing on the other side of a door, looking down the hall at Derek. Cristina walks up) Cristina: It's Meredith? Alex: Yeah. Cristina: Are you sure? Did you see her? Because it could be... (Alex grabs her arm) Alex: It's Meredith. Cristina: Oh. Oh. Oh. Izzie: She will come through this. George: You don't know that. Izzie: She will come through this. George: People die. Izzie: I know people die. People die in front of us everyday. But I believe Meredith will survive this. I believe...I believe...I...I believe in the good. I believe that it's been a hell of year and in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary we will all be ok. I believe a lot of things. I believe that...I believe that Denny is always with me. And I believe that if I eat a tub of butter and no one sees me the calories don't count. And I believe that surgeons who prefer staples over stitches are just lazy. And I believe that you are a man who made a terrible mistake marrying Callie. And I believe that because I am your best friend I can tell you this and we will be ok. I believe even though you made this mistake you will be ok. I believe we survive, George. I believe that believing we survive is what makes us survive. (She's hugs Cristina) Izzie: She's gonna be ok. (Meredith's room) Richard: Push another epi. How many is that? Bailey: This is our fourth room, sir. Burke: We've been here 20 minutes. Addison: Still in asystole. Richard: We're losing her. (Meredith flatlines) (Meredith appears to wake up, coughing and sputtering. She sits up and next to her is Dylan) Dylan: Hi. Meredith: Hey. Am I...? Dead? (She turns her head and there is Denny) Denny: Damn right you are. Meredith: Holy...
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VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... Veronica pops her head around the door of Keith's new office in the sheriff's department in 315 "Papa's Cabin." Cut to the Mars residence and Veronica making dinner as Keith arrives home. VERONICA: So it's true what they say. There's a new sheriff in town? KEITH: Until the special election, anyway. Cut to Mac and Bronson on his doorstep in 310 "Show Me the Monkey." MAC: Do you like movies? BRONSON: Let's go. Cut to moments later as Mac surprises Bronson with a kiss. Cut to Veronica and Piz in the Food Court at Hearst College. PIZ: I know what I like. Why waste my time? VERONICA: Like, why bother with something not good just because it's something? Logan catches Veronica outside Tim's office in 315 "Papa's Cabin." LOGAN: You know, I was thinking of asking Parker out, and I wanted to make sure it was cool with you. She puts on a brave face. VERONICA: Of course. Thank you for asking. LOGAN: Sure. I know we're friends. Veronica nods. VERONICA: Yeah. Veronica points to Tim's office. VERONICA: See ya. And good luck. End previously. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Veronica is standing in a queue. She's pensive, playing with a strand of hair. There are three couples in front of her in the queue between her and the person at the front of it -- Logan. SERVER: What can I get you? LOGAN: Uh, coffee with cream. Logan looks back at Veronica. He turns back to the woman at the counter. LOGAN: Actually, could I get a couple of them? SERVER: Sure. She hands him the coffees. LOGAN: Thank you. Logan walks back to the end of the queue. LOGAN: Here. He slips one of the cups into her hand, almost surreptitiously. LOGAN: I hate to think of you under-decaffeinated. She smiles as she takes it. VERONICA: Danke. They walk away from the counter together. VERONICA: It's 8am. Shouldn't you be in a wet suit somewhere? He shrugs and grins. LOGAN: Early Poly Sci. VERONICA: And you're actually going? LOGAN: Yeah. I even bought this amazing pen that accents text in neon colours. Veronica gasps exaggeratedly. VERONICA: A highlighter! LOGAN: Lots of advancements since the last time I buckled down. How 'bout you? VERONICA: Uh, "Violence in Early Adolescence." LOGAN: Ah. Need me to autograph your textbook? VERONICA: Thanks, but... Veronica trails off and points to her coffee. VERONICA: So, what do I owe you for the cup of joe? LOGAN: Nah, just pay-it-forward. Logan hesitates briefly before hurrying on nonchalantly. LOGAN: Hey, by the way, I'm throwing a birthday party for Parker this weekend. I was studying up; I watched My Super Sweet 16. Which reminds me, you don't know where I can get a dozen eunuchs, do you? VERONICA: Not offhand. I could make some calls. Veronica fakes a laugh to keep up the mutually casual banter in which they are indulging. LOGAN: Hmm. Well, if you're not busy, I know she'd really like you to be there. We both would. Think about it. Logan walks away, leaving Veronica staring after him. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. The fish are swimming happily in the tank in Keith's office. Veronica finishes feeding them and walks back to Keith's desk. She checks some papers on which she is working. Footsteps sound in the outer office and an Arab woman, Sabirah Krimani, appears at the open door. SABIRAH: Is Mr. Mars in? VERONICA: No, sorry. We've shut down for a while. The woman is disappointed. VERONICA: You own Babylon Gardens, don't you? She nods. VERONICA: My dad and I get takeout there all the time. I went to high school with your daughter. Sabirah Krimani steps forward, disinterested in small talk. SABIRAH: Our restaurant was vandalised. Rocks through our window. They spray-painted "Terrorist" on our door. Is there someone who can help us? Veronica's eyes glint with determination and she smiles. VERONICA: I believe there is. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. The Break is a busy bar with loud music playing. The most prominent sign in the bar besides the one declaring the bars name is a notice declaring Thursday nights as "College Night." A young man is slumped at the bar counter. A hand pushes a pad of paper and a pen at him. MURPHY: Jimmy! The boy doesn't move. The bar owner, Mr. Murphy, slaps his arm to rouse him. MURPHY: Hey, your tab. Hey, come on. Jimmy lifts his head up. MURPHY: Sign it and hit the road. Jimmy grabs the pen and pad and signs it. He grabs the nearly empty glass of beer in front of him and drains it as he slides off the barstool. He pushes himself away from the bar as Murphy collects the pad. EXT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. Jimmy staggers outside and crosses the road without looking. A car honks his horn, but Jimmy's slow and only action is to hold up his hands in front of his face. The screen whitens in the glare of headlights to the sound of the sickening thud as the car hits him. EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - NIGHT. From inside the restaurant, Sabirah turns the sign on the door from "Come in, we're open" to "Sorry, we're closed." VERONICA VOICEOVER: Tomorrow I'll set the cameras. Tonight it's the old-fashioned stake-out. Veronica is in her car, parked opposite the restaurant on the other side of the street, watching the front of the building. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I took this case so I wouldn't have time to dwell on Parker's birthday party and now, here I am, sitting in a car with nothing but a whole lot of dwelling time on my hands. Veronica jumps slightly at the soft knock on the passenger side window made by the girl who has appeared at the side of the car. She looks over at the intruder and rolls down the window. The girl leans into the car. AMIRA: Veronica Mars? VERONICA: Amira. Long time, no see. AMIRA: Yeah. Like since my senior year, when you made my Pirate Points worth less. VERONICA: Wow. Good memory. The two girls share polite smiles. VERONICA: I heard you were at Hearst, but I haven't seen ya. AMIRA: Yeah, different circles, I guess. What are you doing out here? VERONICA: Your mom hired me to watch the place in case there are any more...incidents. Amira laughs in disbelief. AMIRA: My mom hired you? Veronica nods. VERONICA: Yep. AMIRA: Have a blast. Amira backs away from the car and Veronica closes the window with the touch of a button. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. The bar is now empty but for Murphy, who is cashing up, and Keith who approaches the bar counter. KEITH: I just got off the phone with County. The kid's never going to walk again. Any idea what a nineteen-year-old was doing drinking in here? MURPHY: His ID said he was twenty-one. KEITH: Yeah, I saw it. It also said he was six three, two twenty, and blond. Murphy shrugs helplessly in a "What you gonna do" way. Keith is unimpressed. EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - NIGHT. The door of the restaurant bursts open and a man comes out, followed by Sabirah. This is Rashad, Sabirah's husband and Amira's father. He waves at Veronica in her car across the street, beckoning her. As Veronica opens the door to get out, he shouts to her. RASHAD: You can go home now. We will pay for the time that you put in. Veronica strides towards them.. RASHAD: But I can handle it myself. It was a mistake for my wife to hire you. SABIRAH: It was not a mistake. Veronica stands before them, a little uncomfortable as they argue. SABIRAH: You fall asleep out here in your car. You work too hard to be able to stay up all night. RASHAD: This is the Mars girl. Her father is the acting sheriff. Have you thought about Nasir? Besides, this is no job for a girl, a classmate of Amira's. Amira is also outside, watching the debate quietly. SABIRAH: What choice did I have? I knew you would react this way. Surprise. In the street, there's a loud shout and the sound of a fast-approaching engine. Veronica looks up and to her left to see a yellow pick-up truck bearing down on them. A couple of the occupants are standing in the back, aiming at them with sights that have lights on them. Operatic-like music swells. Shots are fired. A laser sight and a splurge of red appears on Rashad's chest as he staggers at the impact. Sabirah screams. Amira turns to run but is hit in the back. Veronica dives out of the way of the speeding vehicle, landing hard on the pavement. Veronica looks down at her coat. She's been hit by yellow paint. She glares at the departing truck. Opening credits. INT - BABYLON GARDENS - NIGHT. Now inside the restaurant, Veronica groans at the pain in her shoulder where she was hit by the paintball. Amira passes behind her, staring at her now-removed sweater in regret. AMIRA: Ack. Cashmere! Rashad is angry and pacing. RASHAD: Why is this happening? VERONICA: Not a great time to be Arab in America. RASHAD: Twenty years we've been in this country! Huh? He picks up a small flag from a set on the counter and waves it.. RASHAD: Twenty years, we've been Americans. I make Yankee Doodle Damn Dandee. He gestures wildly at a poster on the wall, under another American flag. It's an Uncle Sam poster with Rashad's face PhotoShopped in under the message "I want you for Babylon Garden's [sic]." RASHAD: And now this? VERONICA: The license plate was removed, but I caught a glimpse of a bumper sticker. It should be enough to go on. AMIRA: [sceptically] Really? Unless it was a "Hello, my name is..." sticker, how's that gonna do any good? VERONICA: The person who owns that pick-up has a child who's an honour student at Neptune Middle. Do you want me to track him down or not? Rashad looks over at his wife and daughter helplessly before looking back at Veronica. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica enters the apartment. Keith is sitting at the kitchen counter reading a newspaper. KEITH: [with disgust] Look at these ads. Veronica shuts the door behind her and joins him at the counter. KEITH: "Two for Tuesday," "It's Raining Gin"... Keith is looking at a page of advertisements for bars. Genski's promises a "Suds 'n Study Sat" with Mexican bottles and draft pints at $2 together with a "Bucket 'O Beer Bonanza"! The Sand Bar uses George Washington's portrait to advertise its "Dollar Shots Night." KEITH: "Dollar Shots Night"... VERONICA: Let me change first. Man, you party hard. Veronica saunters off towards her room, ignorant or ignoring Keith's serious mood. KEITH: It's a college paper. Only a quarter of the students at Hearst are twenty-one. Veronica turns back to him and sags against the counter. VERONICA: [tiredly] I'm not sure where this rant is going. KEITH: A nineteen-year-old kid was drinking at a bar called The Break tonight with a gumball-level ID. He stumbled out and a car hit him. It looks like he'll never walk again. Keith returns his attention to the ads. KEITH: "Bucket 'O Beer Bonanza"... You have any idea if they're known for underage drinking? Veronica laughs. VERONICA: Famous for is more like it. It's nicknamed The Cake for how easy it is to get in but most of the campus area bars are pretty lax. Veronica clearly doesn't see this as any big deal but notes Keith glaring at her. VERONICA: From what I've heard, 'cause the only buckets I order come in original and extra crispy. She heads for her bedroom. Keith stares after her. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Deputy Sacks hands out sheets of paper to the other eleven deputies gathered in the main office. Keith is facing them, leaning back against the main counter. KEITH: I have it on good authority that The Break and other campus-area bars on the list you're receiving are knowingly serving underage students. I want surprise checks in every one of these bars tonight. Deputy Gills glances at the list. GILLS: Looks like my credit card statement. The deputies laugh and Keith smiles indulgently. SACKS: What's the priority level, Sheriff? KEITH: Well, obviously if you get a call, take it, but otherwise, I want these bars scared straight. The deputies start to break away, less than enthused. KEITH: Gentlemen. Jim Wilson was nineteen. I want this taken seriously. DEPUTY: Yes, sir. The other deputies mutter their acquiescence. Gills heads for Sacks to have a quiet word. GILLS: You used to work for him. Is he always like this? Sacks folds his arms and glances at Keith. SACKS: I wouldn't test him. Gills looks over at Keith himself before wandering away. INT - NEPTUNE MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY. A teacher holds her hand up in front of a class of boys and girls, aged about twelve. MRS. HILLS: We have a guest in honours homeroom today. Miss Mars is doing a survey about gun awareness for her college criminology course. Veronica is standing at the front of the class next to Mrs. Hills. She gives a little wave. MRS. HILLS: I trust you will give her your full attention as honour points are in effect. Mrs. Hills steps to the side of the room, leaving Veronica at the front of the class. One of the students raises his hand. Veronica points to him. RONALD: What does a criminologist do? VERONICA: Oh, grads usually go into work in law enforcement. I'm considering pursuing a career at the FBI. RONALD: [scoffing] You're a girl. MRS. HILLS: [sharply] Ronald. VERONICA: Actually, Ronald, did you know that on average, girls develop faster than boys and have higher levels of cognitive functioning, including math calculation, written language, and verbal fluency? Ronald isn't impressed and shrugs. RONALD: So? Veronica smiles and points towards him. VERONICA: Well put, Ronald. We need fireman, too. The students in the class, particularly the girls, chuckle appreciatively. VERONICA: We all know guns are dangerous, but I also study the dangers and implications of the impact of toy guns, like pellet guns, BB guns, or paintball guns. Raise your hand if you have a family member who owns a pellet or BB gun. A number of the students raise their hands. VERONICA: Now, how about paintball guns? Four students put their hand up. VERONICA: Okay, now, whose family has a big, yellow pick-up truck. Mrs Hills' smile disappears as she digests this. She looks over at Veronica quizzically. MRS. HILLS: Miss Mars? I'm sorry. I'm not sure I understand where this is going. Veronica ignores her until she gets a good look at the one child whose hand is in the air. The boy look Arabic. VERONICA: Yep. Me either. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - DAY. A school bus drives off, having delivered the boy to a house outside of which stands the yellow pick-up truck. Veronica, pulled up on the other side of the road, watches him as he goes into the house. She pouts, confused. She grabs her stuff and exits the car, walking up the pathway to the house. She stops and looks around as if she's heard something but it's not until she starts moving again that we hear the distant sounds of the laughter of game-playing youths. VOICES: Oh, ho, ho, man! You got hit again! All right! Okay, okay, it's cool. Shoot-shoot! There you go! Yes! Yes! Veronica follows the sounds of voices to a structure at the side of the house. There's a warning sign on the door and a window at the top. She peers in. She sees two guys watching a third play a video game. On the wall next to the door, she sees paintball guns. Inside the room (which has another Danny Mo poster decorating the wall), there's a fourth boy also watching the stoned-out gameplayer. VOICES: Oh, God, what are you doing, man! Watch out for-! Ohhh. Intent on the game, they notice nothing until a splatter of paint hits the television screen. They react in shock, jumping up and turning around to face Veronica, now armed with a paintball gun. An Arabic-looking boy of around seventeen confronts her. BRETT: Yo, bitch, what up? Veronica responds by firing the gun. He jerks back as a splodge of neon green paint hits him square in the chest. VERONICA: Stings. I know, because you shot me last night. Brett has the grace to look abashed. VERONICA: I've got some bad news for you boys. I'm close with the local sheriff and he simply hates hate crimes. Self-hate in your case. Brett looks bemused. The stoned guy behind him has only just caught up with events. TOWELIE: Dude, she shot you. VERONICA: Keep up, Towlie. BRETT: Self-hate? What? VERONICA: Spray painting the front of Babylon Gardens? Ringing any bells? BRETT: What? Veronica parrots Jules in Pulp Fiction. VERONICA: Say what again, I dare ya. I double dare ya. BRETT: What? Veronica shoots him again, this time in the shoulder. He grabs the spot with a groan. BRETT: Ah, God! Someone wrote "terrorist" at Babylon Gardens? VERONICA: [a la Jules] Check out the big brain on Brett! I'll give you a hint. It was you. BRETT: We didn't do anything like that! Veronica lifts the gun and takes aim. BRETT: [desperately] I can prove it. Veronica lowers the gun. Cut to later. On the television screen are shots taken by a camera from the pick-up truck as the guys shoot random people in the streets. BRETT: Look! White people. On screen, a couple are targeted to the sound of whoops and hollars from the boys. BRETT: You see? Anyone's a target. VERONICA: So I'm straight. Your defence is that you shoot everyone, not just Arabs. Brett shrugs. Veronica's attention is caught by something she sees on screen. VERONICA: Is that Mr. Clemmons? On screen, it is indeed Van Clemmons, attacked by them as he walks towards his car. CLEMMONS: [on the video] Ow, ow, ow, ow. TOWELIE: Yeah, nailing Clemmons was sweet. The two boys behind him are smirking. They all jump when Towelie is hit in the chest by a paintball. He's so out of it that it takes a couple of beats before he even reacts to the pain. The other boys laugh. BRETT: Do I look like someone who would spray paint "terrorist" on a Middle Eastern restaurant? Veronica gives him a hard look before accepting this. She still has the paintball gun at the ready. VERONICA: Fine. Give me the DVD. Brett bends down to collect it from the player. VERONICA: Anymore drive-bys and that finds its way back to the sheriff. Now. Everyone grab their Visine. You have an appointment. EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. Brett looks up sullenly as he, Towelie and one of the other boys clean the pavement of paint immediately outside the restaurant. Rashad is standing over them. RASHAD: Hey, you! I still see some green by the door jamb. Towelie gets up and heads for the indicated area where the fourth boy is already working. Rashad turns and looks up at Veronica who is up on a stepladder, fixing a camera. RASHAD: Are you sure these aren't the same vandals who did the spray painting? Veronica climbs down the stepladder. VERONICA: Pretty sure. She carries on past him, and Sabirah comes out of the restaurant, carrying a small cloth banner. SABIRAH: Are you sure we should hang one on the door again? I mean, are we asking for trouble? RASHAD: I won't be intimidated, Sabirah. She's unconvinced and turns to Veronica, who is checking out the playback from the cameras on her computer. SABIRAH: What do you think? They stole the last one we put up. RASHAD: Don't ask her. This isn't about her. Veronica turns to look at the banner as Sabirah shoos her husband to shut up. Veronica returns her attention to the computer as she responds. VERONICA: If it was me, I'd put one up twice as big. Rashad grins, as does Veronica. On her screen, the cameras she has installed are working, showing the boys continuing in their work. RASHAD: You see? Two to one. Democracy in action. He takes the banner from his wife, who smiles. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Dick is sitting on the couch, his laptop on the ottoman in front of him. Logan walks around the back of the couch. He glances down at Dick as he adjusts his necklace. LOGAN: Hey, I gotta run some errands for the party. Thanks for all your help, by the way. Dick, oblivious to the complaint, leans back with satisfaction. DICK: Check it out. Two hot chicks I met on MySpace. Both in play. Both eager to meet the Dickster face-to-face. Question. And I need you to dig deep here. Which one do I invite? Logan, having put on his watch and grabbed his phone, leans down to get a better look at the screen. The page for the first girl is up. Dick adds the second page so pictures of both can be seen. LOGAN: Um...hmm. Lazy eye might work to your advantage. DICK: Ha! Trick question! Just goes to show how whipped you are. The correct answer is "both." LOGAN: And if they both show? DICK: Then I do a quick heat check. Whichever's engine's running hotter gets Dick. Logan heads out as Dick continues to stare at the objects of his interest. LOGAN: You mean "whomever's." DICK: Whatever. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - NIGHT. Keith and Deputy Gills talk quietly up at the counter in the darkened office. GILLS: What can I say? We hit them all, full sweeps. They were clean. KEITH: Deputy Gills, you don't find it strange? College towns, surprise inspections, and not one of my deputies issues a single citation? Sacks, working at his desk, glances up at them with interest, but firmly keeping his head down. GILLS: Not really. Those bars do a good job of keeping the minors out. I hate to say it but the kid who got hit? He's the exception. KEITH: [softly sarcastic] What are the odds? INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica sinks onto her desk chair and checks her computer. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So let's see how Babylon Gardens survived the night without me. She pulls up the video from the surveillance camera. VERONICA VOICEOVER: All seems well. She speeds it forward. At one point during the night, a figure is seen at the window of the restaurant. Veronica slows the playback down to normal speed. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Who is this guy and what's he doing skulking around? It's a young man just loitering outside the restaurant. He's wearing a sweatshirt that has the number eleven on the back and "Sneed Batmen" on the front. Veronica freezes the picture. VERONICA VOICEOVER: "Sneed Batmen"? INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Music: "Trina" by Public Bulletin. LYRICS: As Trina walks, as Trina talks Trina falls in love She [?] image She thinks she'd done enough Beautiful poster is tacked above her head How many times, how many rhymes Justify your feelings Sent to her at night Jambox promises that love will find a way It can't promise love will stay Trina watch it all subside Songs that you listen to are lies The Food Court is busy, with all the tables in use. Veronica and Mac are occupying one of them. VERONICA: Does "Sneed Batmen" ring any bells? For some reason, it sounds familiar. Mac is staring into space and doesn't respond. VERONICA: Hello? Mac's eyes jerk to focus on Veronica. VERONICA: Sneed? MAC: Sorry. Bronson and I went on a hike this morning. I'm wiped. VERONICA: A hike? You? MAC: [defiantly] Yes. VERONICA: Morning? You? MAC: I wanted to see what it was like. VERONICA: And? MAC: [unenthusiatically] It's sunny. VERONICA: Mmm. Sounds like things are good with Bronson. Any better and he'd have you jump the fiery hoops. Mac glares at her. She then spots something over Veronica's shoulder. MAC: You ready? Mac nods to behind Veronica. MAC: We can offer them our table. Veronica looks over her shoulder. Logan and Parker have their trays of food and are looking for somewhere to sit. Parker is giggling. Veronica is not happy but puts on a face for Mac. VERONICA: Sure. Mac waves them over. PARKER: Hey, you guys. Thanks for the table. MAC: It just takes me back to high school. Remember, Logan? We stood at the same lunch table and made fun of all the fat kids. LOGAN: I'm sorry. We went to the same high school? MAC: Uh, yeah. We ran over that fisherman and promised to take the secret to our graves. LOGAN: I remember the fisherman. MAC: Remember? You bet your friends you could turn me into a super hot prom date as a joke, but you ended up falling in love with me? Logan thinks hard for a beat and takes a deep breath as if to say he does. LOGAN: Nope. Lost it. PARKER: Please stop. Logan grins. Veronica, a smile fixed on her face, can take no more of the banter. She gets up from the table. VERONICA: Ohh. Gotta split. Sorry. Late. PARKER: Hey, my birthday party. You can come, right? Veronica takes a deep breath. VERONICA: You know me. If there's a birthday party, I'm wearing a pointy hat. She laughs, a laugh that disappears the moment she turns away from them. Logan and Parker sit down at the table. Mac hurries to catch up with Veronica as they take their trays to the rubbish bin. VERONICA: You and Logan seem chummy. MAC: Guess I never thought much of the guy when you two were dating. Surly thing, you know. But since he's been around so much lately, I've seen his sweet side. Probably the side you saw all the time. VERONICA: Oh, yeah. That side. Having dumped their trays, they head out of the Food Court. VERONICA: So, about Parker's party. If I must go... MAC: You must, you must. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Veronica throws her arm around Mac's shoulder. After a moment's hesitation, Mac does the same. VERONICA: What do you say I swing by your place early, and you hit me on the head with a hammer a couple times before we go. MAC: Not that I wouldn't love to finally cross that off my to-do list, I promised Parker and Logan that I'd help them set up. Wanna come? VERONICA: Raincheck. I'll find reinforcements elsewhere. End music: "Trina" by Public Bulletin. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - DAY. Wallace and Piz are making their way towards their room. PIZ: It's like the new Rocky Horror. Now at one point people throw plastic spoons at the screen. You gotta check it out. It'll-it'll change your life. Wallace, hardly enthused, tosses the football he is holding at him. Unbeknownst to either, Veronica is coming up fast behind them. She races to fall between them. She grabs both their crooked arms, although Wallace lets his arm straighten and Veronica's hand slips off. Piz keeps his arm bent and Veronica doesn't let go. WALLACE: Uh-oh. VERONICA: Relax! I'm here to invite you to a party. Saturday night, rocking good time. WALLACE: The catch? VERONICA: No catch. They reach the door to their dorm room and Piz and Wallace walk forward, pausing there and facing Veronica. VERONICA: I just...need a couple wingmen. It's Parker's birthday party. There's strength in numbers. You soldiers up for mission: moral support? WALLACE: Okay, cool. I'm in. But I think Piz has to go to- PIZ: No. Piz is in. It...it sounds like fun. I mean, I...maybe we could go pre-gaming before and you could by the room and we could... As Wallace looks on Piz sadly, Veronica isn't listening. She's spotted a guy in a "Sneed Batmen" sweatshirt who passes them. VERONICA: Cool. Okay, uh...sorry, gotta boogie. She races off to follow the guy. Piz looks confused. He watches her go for a moment before opening the door into their room. WALLACE: I thought you were going to Yoyo Taco on Saturday. He follows Piz into the room. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING. PIZ: Yo La Tengo. Yeah. But, you know, this sounds more fun. Wallace, having slammed the door shut, shakes his head and sinks down onto the small red couch. PIZ: What? WALLACE: You're like one of those guys who stands behind the players at the poker table and pretends he's playing. PIZ: Sorry, I've never been to Vegas, so what exactly... WALLACE: Look. Every once in a while, you gotta go all in. PIZ: Right. Will do. WALLACE: Excellent. PIZ: I don't know what that means, though. WALLACE: It means we're going out tonight. You're going to talk to some girl who knows you're alive. Wait, actually, that's not what it means, but it's a start. Piz gives a bemused snort. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - DAY. Veronica catches up with the guy in the "Sneed Batmen" sweatshirt. VERONICA: Sorry to bother you. "Sneed Batmen," what is that? SNEED BATMEN GUY: Sneed Hall. It's the chemistry building. The Batmen are the intramural softball team. They reach the door to his room. Veronica leans against the wall and puts on her dumb girl act. VERONICA: Oh. Um...this is...embarrassing but I sort of flirted with number eleven the other day in the library. You wouldn't happen to know his name? SNEED BATMEN GUY: Sure. Jason Cohen. The guy goes into his room and Veronica pushes herself off the wall. EXT - ZETA EPSILON FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. The Saturn pulls to a stop. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I found out Jason Cohen lives at the Zeta Epsilon house. A Jewish fraternity. Curious. Veronica looks over at the house. There's a large tree next to it and Veronica sees the flash of a camera from the upper branches, level with the first floor (second floor for Yanks) of the house. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What the hell? Veronica grabs her own camera and trains it on the tree, using the lens to get a better look. A sudden scream at another flash and the addition of more light from the room he is stalking, startles the man in the tree. He scampers down, grabs his bicycle, and pedals furiously away from the scene. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Okay. Peeping Tom in a tree takes off on a bike. I feel like I stumbled into a Benny Hill sketch. Veronica, still watching through the camera lens, hears the door of the house open. She swings the camera around to see Jason, his shirt off revealing a fetching vest, standing at the door, searching for the stalker. A hand appears on his shoulder and a girl comes into view. It's Amira. Veronica gets out of the car and walks towards them. VERONICA: Uh, Amira. You mind telling me what's going on here. AMIRA: Better question. Why the hell are you here? VERONICA: I'm here because I have surveillance footage of Jason skulking around your parents' restaurant last night after closing. AMIRA: He wasn't skulking. Jason's my boyfriend. Amira looks heavenward. AMIRA: Oh, I'm gonna kill Nasir. VERONICA: Who? AMIRA: Nasir? He works at the restaurant. His student visa expired and my parents agreed to give him a job. She sighs and folds her arms. AMIRA: I was supposed to marry the guy. Jason looks down at her in surprise. JASON: Really. AMIRA: Don't ask. Those pictures will literally kill my dad. VERONICA: Are they X-rated? AMIRA: It's not the nudity. It's my co-star, the Jew. Jason gives Veronica a lop-sided grin. AMIRA: However long it takes to get those photos developed and pedal over to my dad's house, that's how long I will be until I'm disowned. VERONICA: There's only two one-hour photo places open this late. And Nasir's on a bike. I'll see what I can do. Amira and Jason look relieved. Veronica spins around and heads back to her car. INT - CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT. Veronica enters the store, more like a supermarket. She spots Nasir who is in Arab dress as he waits by the magazine rack, flicking through one of the magazines. He doesn't notice her. Veronica goes to the one-hour photo counter. A guy is busy at the machine. Veronica clears her throat to get his attention. He turns to face her, wearing a slight manic grin. VERONICA: Hi, um, my boyfriend... She looks over her shoulder deliberately at Nasir. VERONICA: ...is a tad embarrassed to pick up the photos we just dropped off. There are a few special-moments-with-special-friends type shots. Men! It's all rah-rah-rah until you find yourself in an all night phot-mat. The rubbery-faced clerk's visage turns increasingly tragic. VERONICA: Um, how much do we owe you? The clerk peers out at Nasir, not quite believing the relationship. ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: That's your boyfriend? VERONICA: Yeah. It's like I'm dating a young Omar Sharif. Desert fever, what are you going to do. Um, are they ready? ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: Uh,um, I'm on the last one. I've had some problems with the machine jamming. VERONICA: Okay. The clerk checks the machine and then watches Veronica as she walks over to Nasir. Veronica stops right in front of him. VERONICA: Sorry. Do you have the time. Nasir looks down at her with disapproving disdain. NASIR: 11:15. Veronica pauses a moment, smiling, then runs her hand down Nasir's arm, ending with a pat. VERONICA: [softly] Thank you. Nasir is a little disgusted, but doesn't react as Veronica walks away from him, back to the counter. The clerk, who has been watching, shakes his head at the interesting pairings life throws up. Veronica reaches the counter, getting out some cash which she places on the counter. VERONICA: Arab men. So macho. With a chuckle, she grabs the photos from the counter and heads towards the exit, calling out to Nasir as she goes. VERONICA: Nasir! Startled, he looks up and responds to a little wave from her. VERONICA: See you back at the apartment. Don't be late! Veronica blows him a kiss and leaves. Nasir stares after her, his hand still held up in the wave. He drops his hand and walks over to the counter. The clerk watches him with increasing consternation. NASIR: My photos. Are they done? ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: Your girlfriend just picked them up. NASIR: Girlfriend? I don't know that woman. [with increasing aggression] You gave her my pictures? ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: Sir! Count to ten, please. I am not the enemy. Nasir makes to run after Veronica. ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: I still have a few of the prints that were only half developed when the machine jammed. Nasir swings between to racing after Veronica or staying for photos. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. Music: "Hold On to You" by the Waking Hours. Wallace and Piz are sitting at the bar, drinking beer and watching a girl play billiards. The guy playing with her hands her cash as she wins the game. Wallace starts to search his own pockets. WALLACE: Hey, it's worth losing twenty bucks just to talk to her. PIZ: We came here for me, remember? WALLACE: Yeah, that was before I saw her. Piz plants a firm hand on Wallace's shoulder, forcing him down on the stool. PIZ: Oh, no you don't. No. Piz gets up off his stool to head for the girl, pointing at Wallace on route. PIZ: Judas. Piz arrives at the billiards table and slaps notes on it with a flourish. PIZ: I got twenty bucks that says you can whip my ass and make me like it. MIRANDA: Well, I do like a confident man. She reaches down close to Piz's groin to grab the triangle for setting up the balls, although it takes Piz a split-second to realise that. Wallace laughs from his observation post at the bar. End music: "Hold On to You" by the Waking Hours. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, AMIRA'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT. Like all the rooms, Amira's has a whiteboard on the door on which someone has written "I can't wait till its all over - summer time - beaches." She opens the door to Veronica. She smiles on seeing her. Veronica holds up the pictures. VERONICA: Look what I found. Amira is delighted them, taking them with an excited sigh of relief. AMIRA: Thank you, Veronica! Ooh. She beckons Veronica into the room with a soundless "Come in" and a wave, then looks through the snaps. AMIRA: Ooh. VERONICA: I must say, your spurned suiter? He may be crazy, but... Veronica waves the heat from her face. VERONICA: Oh, my. AMIRA: If I didn't mind being treated as property, he might be tempting. There's a firm knock at the door. A little surprised, Amira opens it. RASHAD: [furious] Explain this! He's holding out a half-developed picture of Amira and Jason. RASHAD: Now! Amira is still standing, frozen. Veronica, behind her, also stays silent. RASHAD: Nasir says that this boy lives in a Jewish fraternity. Is he a Jew? Amira drops her eyes and says nothing. RASHAD: Being with this boy is what has caused of all this. The threats, the vandalism. The community has obviously found out and turned against us! VERONICA: When you say "community," do you mean Jewish or Arab? RASHAD: Either. Both. I don't know. Rashad points at Veronica. RASHAD: The restaurant is no longer your concern. You're fired. Leave! Veronica walks towards the door. VERONICA: I work for your wife. If she wants me fired, she can give me a call. Veronica walks away from them, Rashad not happy that she's being defiant. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. Mr. Murphy is in his office in the back, sitting at his desk counting out bills. Keith arrives. KEITH: Mr. Murphy. One of my deputies told me you wanted a private audience. I was in the neighbourhood. MURPHY: You know why people enjoy going to bars, Sheriff? Keith stares down at him impassively. MURPHY: They can drink at home. People want to relax. Let their hair down. That's not easy to do when every ten minutes uniformed deputies are showing up and harassing them. The funny thing is I always backed the badge. In fact I usually buy an especially large amount of sheriff's department raffle tickets every year. Sheriff Lamb, God rest his soul, really appreciated his relationship with local businesses. Murphy gets up from the desk and walks around to the front of it to join Keith. MURPHY: So how many raffle tickets do you think The Break should buy this year, Sheriff? You know, just to, uh, make sure that we keep working together. Ten bucks a pop? Maybe five hundred tickets? KEITH: We won't be having a raffle this year, Mr. Murphy. The hospital is having a pancake breakfast. Perhaps you could better serve the community by giving to them. Murphy follows Keith out of the office. MURPHY: You sure you're thinking this all the way through, Sheriff? Keith pauses at some photographs on the wall. One picture gets his attention. It's a picture of the 2006 baseball or softball team, Excessive Force. The team appears to be made up of deputies, as Sacks and Gills are among the players. MURPHY: Your boys really enjoy those new uniforms every year, tournament fees taken care of, post-game pitchers of beer on the house. It's like I'm one of the team. Keith looks from the photo to Murphy, but before he can respond, his attention is diverted by the sound of a girl's laugh. He looks up to see the girl with Wallace. He heads for them. Piz sees him coming and urgently slaps Wallace, who is finishing the remains of his bottle of beer. KEITH: Wallace? Wallace is still laughing with the girl. Piz is trying to hide unnoticed behind him. WALLACE: Ah, man! Wallace finally looks over and the laughter dies in his throat. WALLACE: Mr. Mars. KEITH: Last time I saw you, you were nineteen, and that was...just a couple weeks ago. MURPHY: I ID'd these boys myself. You can check it. If they're not legit, I'll shut this place down right now. Keith is clearly sceptical. KEITH: Wallace. Stosh. Piz gives him a nervous grin. KEITH: Mind if I see those IDs of yours. They get them out and hand them over sheepishly. Keith examines them and immediately recognises the work. KEITH: I guess I don't have to ask where you got these. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Half-awake, Veronica walks from her bedroom to the kitchen. She wakes up fast when she sees Piz and Wallace's fake IDs taped to the refrigerator. KEITH: You recognise the work? Keith appears behind her from his bedroom. Veronica looks at him and sighs. KEITH: Out of thirty-seven citations yours truly wrote in six campus-area bars last night, no fake ID could hold a candle to your standards. You may not want to believe this, honey, but there are mistakes you can't take back. What if they'd gotten drunk and stumbled into the street like Jim Wilson. Would you want to explain that to their parents? Veronica doesn't say anything, but sighs again as Keith leaves the apartment. Her cell phone rings.. VERONICA: Hello? EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - CONTINUING. Sabirah is distraught. Nasir is behind her, cleaning "Terrorists Go Home" off the window. SABIRAH: It's happened again. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. VERONICA: I'll check the camera. I'll be right over. INT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. A picture of a young man spray painting the window is held out and passed to Sabirah. She looks at it closely, then shrugs. SABIRAH: I've never seen this man. Veronica takes the picture back. VERONICA: No problem. I can track him. I just wanted to see if you knew who he was first. EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Fortunately, the vandal took the bait. Veronica exits. Nasir, still cleaning, stops to stare at her. She sees him and smiles. Nasir glares at her. VERONICA VOICEOVER: One Arabic scroll with a tracer stitched inside. EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - DAY. Veronica follows the sound of the tracer until she is led to the scroll which is in a trash can. She looks around. She's in one of the poorer parts of Neptuen and notes the house nearby. As she ponders, a Ford van pulls up. The driver leans out. It's the same guy as in the picture. DERRICK: Can I help you find something? Veronica smiles. She reaches into her bag as she walks towards him. VERONICA: Look what I've got. She pulls out the envelope with the picture in it. VERONICA: It's a surveillance photo from Babylon Gardens. Shows you painting "Terrorist" on their building. By now Derrick, wearing a patriotic T-shirt, is out of the van. DERRICK: Well, you ain't a cop. So my response is gonna have to be "So the hell what?" VERONICA: Why'd you do it? DERRICK: If you have to ask that then you ain't been paying attention. VERONICA: That's it? You're just another closed-minded redneck who thinks it's his patriotic duty to harass innocent people? DERRICK: Not quite. He walks away from her to the back of the van. Veronica follows. VERONICA: I know where you live now. In about five minutes, I'll know your name. The family you're harassing is gonna press charges. DERRICK'S BROTHER: [offscreen] Derrick, what have you done now? Veronica rounds the back of the van to the other side. She sees Derrick's wheel-chair bound older brother on the lift letting him down from the van. DERRICK: This girl here wants to know why I spray painted "terrorist" on that towel-head restaurant. DERRICK'S BROTHER: You really think Babylon Gardens is a terrorist front? DERRICK: As a matter of fact, I do. Derrick walks quickly past his brother to the front of the van. DERRICK'S BROTHER: Sorry about my little brother. He's been pretty worked up since I came home like this. Veronica nods. Derrick, having grabbed a sheet of paper from the van, strides back to Veronica. DERRICK: One of the dudes who works there. Passing these out by the mall. It's a black and white cartoon. Over the shape of the country of Iraq is the name in block capitals. One American soldier stands in front of the I with his gun raised. A second enters the I, as if it were the start of an enclosed conveyer belt. A man in Arabic dress, with his face covered, stands behind the A and Q, going "Hee Hee!" From the Q, a coffin draped with the American flag exits the word to join another coffin already expelled. DERRICK: I followed him back to the restaurant on his bike. Iraqis laughing at dead Americans? If that ain't terrorist propaganda, then I don't know what it. Derrick, firmly unapologetic, heads back to his brother. INT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. The restaurant is quite busy as Veronica enters. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Generally the satisfaction of nailing someone for a crime like this is its own reward. So where's the sugar rush of sweet justice I should be feeling right now? Veronica joins Rashad and Sabirah at one of the tables. SABIRAH: Hello. RASHAD: Hi. They lean forward to hear her report. VERONICA: So, his name is Derrick Karr. He admitted to vandalising your restaurant after he was handed this. She pulls the cartoon out of her bag and holds it up to them. Sabirah takes it and they both stare down at it. VERONICA: By Nasir. He was distributing them outside the mall. Derrick followed him back here. Rashad and Sabirah exchange a sad glance. VERONICA: Derrick's brother was shot up in Iraq. RASHAD: His brother was a soldier? VERONICA: Yes. But he had no idea what Derrick had done. Veronica takes a deep breath. VERONICA: I did some checking. Derrick's on probation for stealing cars. If you press charges, it'll most likely mean some jail time for him. RASHAD: I want to meet this man. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - DAY. Keith walks down the corridor, attracting furtive glances from passing students. He arrives at the door to Wallace and Piz's room. He pauses to consider the front of the latest Lampoon cover. Entitled "Mars Attacks!" it depicts Wallace and Piz being caught by a finger-waving Keith at The Break, with Keith's head being twice the size of his body. Keith knocks on the door. Piz opens it. Wallace is behind him, playing with a mini-basketball. PIZ: Uh, Mr., uh, Sheriff Mars! KEITH: Hello, Stosh. What do you say we head out. Have a few beers. Piz stares at him in shock for a moment before smiling and pointing at him. PIZ: It's one of those trick questions, isn't it? KEITH: I've got some new IDs for you. He holds up a couple of cards. KEITH: Wallace! Wallace joins Piz at the door and they take the proffered IDs. They take a moment to look at them. PIZ: This picture is Jon Bon Jovi. KEITH: Yes. It is. WALLACE: Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars. KEITH: I know that, Wallace. Now, let's go out and get our drink on. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. Music: "The Hard Light" by Mere Mortals. LYRICS: I'm on a wire I'm on a star I got a feeling you don't know where you are Here she comes now She got the word She wrote the note that you never heard Come on We're all done Who's in your head, who's in my song? Beer fills a glass from a pitcher. Wallace slides the glass along the bar to Piz who picks it up unenthusiastically. PIZ: Non-alcoholic beer. All the peeing, none of the fun. WALLACE: Quit complaining. One night of this and we're off the hook. PIZ: Plus, if things work out with Miranda, this could be one of those cool first-time-we-met stories. WALLACE: What about it is cool? And by the way, you invited her to join us at Logan's party. Your lack of pimp juice is going to cost you, son. Further discourse is forestalled by the arrival of Deputy Gills. GILLS: All right. Let's have all you finest minds of So. Cal. put your IDs in the air... GIRL: Oh, come on. GILLS: And wave them around like you just don't care. [SCENE_BREAK] The bar's customers do as told and hold up their IDs. Gills walks along the length of the bar, barely looking at them. He gets to Wallace and Piz. Piz's card gives him a moment's pause. He looks at Wallace's and then back at Piz's, metaphorically rolling his eyes. GILLS: Thank you. And goodnight. This waste of time has been brought to you by the temporary sheriff of Balboa County. Gills leaves the bar. Wallace picks up the walkie-talkie on his lap. WALLACE: Did you get that, Mr. Mars? End music: "The Hard Light" by Mere Mortals. EXT - THE BREAK - CONTINUING. Keith is parked outside. KEITH: Got it. He switches off the walkie-talkie and watches Deputy Gills as he walks away from the bar. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Keith has the deputies gathered together again. KEITH: Last night, I ordered another sweep of the bars. Smith, Jones, Taylor, Gills. Clean out your lockers, you're fired. GILLS: You're firing us? You're the substitute teacher. We were hired by Don Lamb. I know these guys better than you do, Keith. You try to pull this stunt, we all walk. KEITH: Fair enough. Keith points. KEITH: There's the door. Sacks and the other deputies don't make a move. GILLS: You don't have the stones-- KEITH: Leave your badge on the desk and get the hell out of my station. Gills opens his mouth to argue, but as he looks around he can see that he doesn't have the support he thought he had. He takes off his badge and walks towards the desk on the way out. EXT - KARR RESIDENCE - DAY. Derrick opens the door. DERRICK: You. He's not pleased to see Veronica. VERONICA: I've got some people who want to meet you. She indicated the Krimanis, standing behind her. VERONICA: Rashad, Sabirah Krimani. This is Derrick Karr. They own Babylon Gardens. RASHAD: I wanted to meet you. Talk to you. DERRICK: Lucky me. Derrick starts to shut the door in their faces. VERONICA: Hey, if they report you, it's off to jail you go. DERRICK: So, I end up in jail. My brother ends up in a wheelchair and these foreigners are free to spit on America and everything it stands for. RASHAD: What it stands for? Do you even know what it stands for? Derrick prepares for a lecture with ill grace. RASHAD: Saying you love America is easy. It's easy until someone spray paints "terrorist" on your door. It's easy until you are handed a flyer that mocks the sacrifice of your brother. We all came from somewhere else. We all are trying to make it. In America, whatever you stand for you're supposed to get a fair shot. That is what your brother was fighting for. In case you wanted to know. Derrick glares at him, unmoved. DERRICK: So turn me in, Ali Baba. It makes no difference to me. Derrick slams the door shut. Veronica sighs heavily. She gets out her phone. VERONICA: He'll be in jail in an hour. Veronica starts to dial. RASHAD: No, no. Don't, don't turn him in. I suspect that our troubles with Mr. Karr are over. I'm glad that I had the chance to speak with the man. VERONICA: You sure? Rashad nods. VERONICA: Okay. Veronica leads them away from the door. Sabirah puts her arm around her husband. SABIRAH: I'm so proud of you. Your words were so inspirational. I was wondering. Do they apply to your daughter as well? Rashad sighs. RASHAD: I guess I should meet the boy. SABIRAH: And what do we do about Nasir? RASHAD: Well, he didn't break any laws handing out the flyer and I support his right to exercise free speech. But that doesn't mean that I have to support him or shelter him. That cartoon pissed me off. It was un-American. INT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. Nasir is working in the kitchen. INS AGENT: Nasir Ben Hafayid. Nasir looks up to see two men in suits enter the kitchen. The first man holds up his badge. INS AGENT: You're in this country on an expired I-20 student visa. The agent cuffs Nasir. INS AGENT: In accordance with INS 214 any statement you make can be used in a court of law, immigration or administrative proceeding. Nasir is led away. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Keith is pouring the contents of a large saucepan into a colander. Veronica arrives. KEITH: Hey, honey. Just in time. Hungry? VERONICA: Nope, but the food's free. Veronica gets plates from the cupboard. KEITH: Wallace called. He and Piz are going to meet you at the party. Said you'd understand. VERONICA: [horrified] They're ditching me? KEITH: I warned them you wouldn't understand. Score one for Dad. By the way, you didn't tell me I made the front page of the Lampoon. Having laid the plates, Veronica sinks onto the stool. KEITH: This had to have been tough on you the last couple of days, having your old man back as sheriff. VERONICA: Actually, it's been tough on me knowing I let you down. I'm sorry about those IDs. I vow to use the Mars powers for good rather than evil from now on. KEITH: There's never a stenographer around when you need one. Veronica wrinkles her brow at her father. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL - NIGHT. Veronica boards one of the lifts/elevators. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Things I'd rather do than attend this party solo. Seven minutes of heaven with Scott Peterson... DICK: Hold the door! VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ride the space elevator with Dick... Dick catches the door before it shuts and gets into the lift. DICK: Always the lady. You came. Good for you. Thought something like this would be unbelievably awkward. VERONICA: Your fly's open. DICK: I know. Party ritual. Veronica frowns and looks over at him. He's got a hip flask and takes a long swig. Veronica holds out her hand for it. Surprised, he gives it to her. She looks at the open flask for a moment, her need for Dutch courage battling the idea of taking a drink from Dick. Dutch courage wins but not before she wipes the mouth of the flask on her dress. DICK: Veronica Mars! What's that line about the beginning of some sort of friendship? Veronica throws back her head for a long drink. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Music: "The Time of Times" by Badly Drawn Boy. LYRICS: Oh, sweet morning Is your head not right Did you hear my warning This is the time of times And your head feels like your body Your mind is close behind There's a teardrop on your shoulder That says this is the time of times It's the time of times again This is the time of times It's the time of times again Oh, sweet morning And your head's not right Did you hear my warning This is the time of times Mac looks around the party, a worried look on her face. She sees Veronica and Dick enter the suite. DICK: Later. Dick passes Veronica to head into the party. Mac heads for Veronica. VERONICA: Why are you looking at me like that? MAC: Sorry. I was afraid you were trying to get back at Logan somehow by coming as Dick's date. VERONICA: Ew. Yeah, nothing says "I'm over you" like dating down. Veronica looks around. She gasps. VERONICA: Couch opening! She grabs Mac's hand and they run to the empty couch on which they collapse with relief. VERONICA: Okay. This couch is our social foxhole for the next sixty minutes of battle. Defend it at all costs. Veronica spots Wallace and Piz. Coming towards them too is Max. MAX: Hey, Veronica. Veronica smiles and then peers around his body to see Wallace and Piz. MAX: And friend. VERONICA: Sorry, right, uh, Max, this is my friend, Mac. Mac, Max. Veronica jumps up from her seat. VERONICA: Where are my manners? Sit, defend, decide which one of you's changing their name. I'll be right back. Veronica races to Wallace and Piz. WALLACE: Hey, you made it. PIZ: Hey. VERONICA: Hey, bozos. We had plans! Over on the couch, Max is now sitting on the couch next to Mac and the two of them are smiling shyly. WALLACE: Your dad didn't give you the message? VERONICA: You were supposed to be my wing men. What mission could be more important than that? Miranda arrives, holding out drinks for both Piz and Wallace. MIRANDA: Here you go, boys. Miranda arrives, holding out drinks for both Piz and Wallace. VERONICA: [quietly] I see. Battle of the bulge. WALLACE: Veronica Mars. Miranda Apfel. MIRANDA: Hey. VERONICA: Hi. Elsewhere in the room, Dick is talking to the first of his hot MySpace invitees, a girl called Lisa. LISA: I loved the quote you have up on your MySpace page. What was it again? DICK: "The Dude abides." I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. Lisa giggles. LISA: What else do you take comfort in? Before he has to think of an answer, he sees the second MySpace girl has arrived. DICK: Drinks. Be right back. He leaves her and heads for the other girl. Logan starts tapping on a glass, bringing the room to order. LOGAN: Can I, uh, get everyone's attention for one minute. Parker advances to the centre of the room. Veronica turns to watch. LOGAN: Now I had this whole "My Super Sweet Nineteen" thing planned for tonight, but, uh, it turns out the hotel has a policy on Bengal tiger rides. He and Parker grin at each other. LOGAN: There is one ludicrous thing I was able to pull off that helps makes up for it. One of the hotel room service waiters arrives, pushing a trolley on which is a large box from a bakery. Everyone in the room, except Veronica, claps and whistles. PARKER: You remembered! Oh, my God. Logan moves around to join her in front of the box. The lid is lifted to reveal a large cake. One side of it is taken up with the message "Happy birthday Parker." The other features a photo of the two of them in icing. Also on the table are a couple of gifts on one of which burns two candles. Parker laughs in delight and puts her hand affectionately on Logan's face. Veronica watches. End music: "The Time of Times" by Badly Drawn Boy. Music: "And I Was a Boy from School" by Hot Chip. LYRICS: And I was a boy from school Helplessly helping all the rules And there was a boy at school Hopelessly wrestling all his fools And then there was a girl at school Blaming all the words she learned from home Nothing could keep her a child Long hours don't you know we try We try but we didn't have long We try but we don't belong We try but we didn't have long We try but we don't belong Now I meet you on the street Harmlessly breaking rules, we meet Lives are found and loves are lost Say goodbye to nothing everything caused Now I find you on my street Breaking rules hopelessly we meet Lives are found but loves are lost Elsewhere, Dick is working on hot MySpace girl #2. DICK: You're kidding! HOT MYSPACE GIRL #2: My dad does half the team's taxes. We should go to a game sometime. She takes a step closer towards him. HOT MYSPACE GIRL #2: You can spend halftime in my private box. DICK: Awesome! Would you give me a few minutes? I have some party responsibilities to attend to. Dick starts to move away, unaware that Lisa has just joined Hot MySpace Girl #2. LISA: Hey there. Dick turns to see his two dates standing side by side. He is a little stunned. LISA: Isn't he yummy? HOT MYSPACE GIRL #2: I know. You just want to...eat him up. Dick looks from one to the other and lets out a bemused chuckle. Back at the trolley, Parker is serving cake. Veronica approaches. Parker gazes at her and lets out a deep breath. PARKER: Thank you. VERONICA: Me? You're the one dishing out cake. PARKER: I was worried...that things were going to be weird and you're just...a class act. VERONICA: I'm happy for you guys. I've never seen him...on a cake like this. Parker giggles. VERONICA: Feel free to just hack in anywhere. PARKER: Okay. Parker hands her a plate with a piece of cake on it. Veronica moves away before she notices that she's unfortunately got the piece with Logan's face. She looks up at the sound of Max's laughter. MAX: [offscreen] That's brilliant! Veronica watches them as she eats her cake. Mac giggles. MAX: An online purity test. So basically you got people to detail their s*x lives. MAC: And be scored accordingly, then I sold their sexual secrets to their peers for ten bucks a pop. MAX: I like how you think. MAC: Veronica busted me, but kept quiet. We've been friends ever since. As Veronica watches Max and Mac getting on so well, Logan comes up from behind to stand next to her. LOGAN: Checking out the talent? He laughs and takes a sip of his drink. VERONICA: How is it you have so many friends? You don't even like people. LOGAN: And yet they adore me. They start walking the room together. LOGAN: I girded myself for seeing with a date tonight, you know, proof you weren't pining away. VERONICA: All the periodically good ones were taken and I pine for no man. Veronica puts down the now empty plate. LOGAN: Hmm. Well maybe you should try branching out. I mean, who knows, maybe there's a consistently good one here tonight. On the couch, Max and Mac continue to get on like a house on fire. MAC: So you sell tests, sorry, study guides. MAX: Yeah, it's not easy. Undergrad courses change quarter to quarter, visiting professors switch up curriculums, RTAs to bribe. It's exhausting. MAC: Tell me you're a business major. MAX: Philosophy. No lie. I think therefore I am. They laugh. MAX: Okay. Seriously, did...did my friends hire you. Mac stares at him quizzically. Elsewhere Veronica is approached by an unwelcome guest. ROCK-A-BILLY LOSER: Hey, the host says you're a big-time swing dancer. Veronica glances over at Logan, who is watching and smirking. He holds up his drink in salute. Veronica laughs uncomfortably. Logan's loving it until his attention is pulled away by an excited Dick. DICK: Dude, you're not going to believe this. Hottie internet chicks found out about each other, talked it over, and they're into it. LOGAN: Into it? DICK: Doublemint, baby! LOGAN: Are they becoming twins? DICK: What? Dude, I don't have time for this. They sent me on a play thing scavenger hunt. Do we have any peanut oil? LOGAN: Here in the room? DICK: Didn't think so. What about an ice bucket? Dick hurries away. End music: "And I Was a Boy from School" by Hot Chip. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, OUTSIDE LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Dick is in the small room where the ice dispenser is, separated from the corridor by a glass door. Concentrating on filling the ice bucket, he doesn't hear the high heeled shoe slide a stopper under the door, jamming it closed, until it's done. He twist round to see Hot MySpace Girl #2 on the other side of the door.He tries the door and realises it's jammed. DICK: Hey, what's up? Wh-what's going on? She puts her hand on her hip. HOT MYSPACE GIRL #2: Lisa is a friend of mine. DICK: Who's Lisa? Lisa appears and stands next to her friend. LISA: I'm Lisa, dipwad. When you're perving my online profile, you should've looked at the friends list, too. Not just the picture. Just thought we'd come by and say "hi." Great party. The girls turn on their heels and walk away hand in hand. DICK: [most pathetically] No, don't go. They get in the lift and just as it closes, torture Dick more by moving in for a kiss. Dick drops his head in mourning. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Music: "Rally" by Phoenix. LYRICS: Hook up with me, meet at the rally I waited so long, I couldn't find a cause Tired or wasted I think you're decent I waited so long, there'll be no decency no (Don't you give me those) Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Quiet Just as long as you're gone It won't happen at all Remember the time we talked about everlastings? Don't you know we'll both fall to pieces too? April 22nd at the Avalon You teased me Hook up with me, meet at the rally Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Quiet Just as long as you're gone It won't happen at all Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Quiet Just as long as you're gone It won't happen, no Don't go away we're so near Look around, you see There is nothing to say but the things I know I got nothing to say but the things I know Standing in line, I think you're pretty Lying on your bed, I think you're pretty too Young girl curl your hair at night Hook up with me, meet at the rally (Don't you give me those) Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Quiet Just as long as you're gone It won't happen at all Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Louder Just as long as you're gone I won't leave you alone Piz's eyes are a little glazed, despite or because of being the focus of Miranda's attention. MIRANDA: No way! I-I've heard your show. Wallace shakes his head at Piz's lack of interest as Miranda sidles close up to Piz. MIRANDA: Maybe you could dedicate something to me? PIZ: Absolutely, even though it's a talk show. I could dedicate a segment on campus neighbourhood zones for you. They are interrupted by the sudden arrival of Veronica who flies into Piz's arms. VERONICA: There you are! She gives him a big hug and whispers in his ear. VERONICA: Sorry, this is a break glass in case of emergency situation. I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. Piz keeps a hold of her while he considers this. Wallace watches with some concern. Piz and Veronica break. PIZ: Oh, sorry. You're right, babe. Bad boyfriend. Fresh drink coming up, okay. He kisses her on the forehead and races off. Veronica gives the thumbs up then turns to face Wallace and Miranda. Wallace turns to Miranda. WALLACE: Could you give us a second? MIRANDA: Sure. Wallace pushes Veronica away slightly for some privacy. WALLACE: You need to listen to me right now, okay. Wallace checks for Piz returning. WALLACE: What you're doing is cruel. VERONICA: Are you kidding? When I told him my name... Veronica looks over his shoulder where the Rock-A-Billy Loser is standing watching them. On her glance, he gives her a friendly gesture. She gives one back with a fake smile. Wallace turns to see. VERONICA: He did that whole "banana fanna fofanna" thing. WALLACE: No, not him. Piz. Veronica furrows her brow, confused. WALLACE: If you don't know he has a thing for you... VERONICA: Piz doesn't have a th- WALLACE: You're smarter than that. Be a good person. Just put him out of his misery. Piz arrives back with two drinks. PIZ: There's my sugar. Veronica, suddenly uncomfortable with him, stares at him. Piz senses the change of mood and looks from her to Wallace. PIZ: What? WALLACE: Nothing. I gotta get back to Miranda. Wallace gives Veronica a significant looks before he turns and rejoins Miranda. Piz gives Veronica her drink. She smiles awkwardly. VERONICA: You wanna get some air? They move out onto the balcony. Veronica takes Piz's drink and sets them both down. VERONICA: I owe you an apology. PIZ: You do? Veronica turns to face him. VERONICA: I do. You've been so sweet to me and I really like hanging out with you. You're great. I've just...I've been so focused on my own romantic drama, I've kind of been blind to everything else. Basically what I'm saying is that I think you're head may have been in one place and mine's been in ano- Piz takes hold of her face and kisses her. After a moment, he lifts his head. He shrugs. PIZ: Just friends. I get it. He backs away and leaves the balcony. Veronica is shocked. She touches her lips. Piz walks back into the suite and puts his hand on Wallace's back. PIZ: I'm taking off. WALLACE: Where are you going? What happened? Piz smiles. PIZ: I went all in. Wallace watches him go, smiling. Back on the balcony, Veronica is pacing. She steps into the room. She sees Max and Mac happily flirting. She spots Wallace. VERONICA: Have you seen Piz? Wallace points to the door. WALLACE: He just took off. Veronica runs in the same direction. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, OUTSIDE LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Piz is at the lift where Veronica catches up with him. VERONICA: You're leaving? PIZ: Yeah, well I'm a fan of the dramatic exit. Veronica looks up at him. PIZ: Truthfully, I don't know how the night can get any better than that. Veronica smiles and pulls him towards her, rising onto her toes. VERONICA: You sure about that? They kiss again, this time more mutually. In front of them, the lift doors open. Logan is in the lift. He freezes on seeing them. Veronica and Piz also freeze on seeing him. Logan is pale, but gives a small rueful grin and walks out of the lift and past them, where the grin disappears. Veronica and Piz step into the lift. Veronica stares at Logan as he walks away and the doors start to close. He doesn't look back. End. End music: "Rally" by Phoenix.
doc_86
IMAGE OF THE FENDAHL BY: CHRIS BOUCHER Part Three Running time: 24:22 [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Doctor? What's the matter? Where is he? Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Doctor? DOCTOR: No, no. BOTH: Are you all right? LEELA: You are very heavy. DOCTOR: How did you find me? LEELA: Well, I just felt something was wrong so I followed the feeling. DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: I did! DOCTOR: Yes, of course you did. LEELA: Hey. DOCTOR: What? LEELA: Have I saved your life? DOCTOR: Yes. I was careless. Come on, get up. Come on. DOCTOR: You're becoming a metracion generator, aren't you. LEELA: Is it alive? DOCTOR: Yes. It's using appropriate genetic material to recreate itself. LEELA: What is it? DOCTOR: Shush. I think it's the Fendahl. It grows and exists by death. LEELA: Most creatures do. That is what you told me. DOCTOR: The Fendahl absorbs the full spectrum of energy, what some people call a life force or soul. It eats life itself. LEELA: That must be what the old woman saw. DOCTOR: What? LEELA: Huge and dark, she said. Hungry for her soul. DOCTOR: And she's still alive? LEELA: Yes. DOCTOR: Take me to her. LEELA: What about that? DOCTOR: It's indestructible. LEELA: Well, what about the sonic time scan? DOCTOR: No, no, first thing's first. Fendelman can operate that before the implosion for about a hundred hours, give or take a few minutes. LEELA: But he might already have used his hundred hours. DOCTOR: That's a risk I'll have to take. Come on, let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: What's that for? FENDELMAN: That is a running log. Some of the scanner components have a limited life. COLBY: Ninety eight hours fifty six minutes forty three point seven seconds. You've been busy with this equipment. FENDELMAN: It has been a joy. COLBY: A labour of love, even. If man really is descended from aliens like this, why haven't we found evidence of it before? FENDELMAN: Because we were not looking. COLBY: Oh, come on. FENDELMAN: No, we were not looking for this kind of evidence, and without the scanner we would not have found this. Adam, in all research there must be a single discovery. What is it the Chinese say? That a journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. COLBY: This isn't a step, it's a jump. And to rather an illogical conclusion. FENDELMAN: You shall see. I have already reprogrammed the computer. This time it will give a visual interpretation of what the scanner picks up. On this screen, Colby, you shall see the true genesis of homo sapiens. [SCENE_BREAK] STAEL: Thea. THEA: Max. STAEL: I'm glad you are awake, Thea. I want you to understand why I brought you here. You are the medium through which the ancient power of this place is focused. THEA: What are you doing? STAEL: The scanner awoke the power. You know about the scanner, of course. I've been watching you for some time, you see. Through you, I shall conjure and control the supreme power of the ancients. THEA: Oh, Max, don't be so ridiculous. STAEL: You will sleep now, while we prepare. THEA: Max! Max, you're a fool. STAEL: I shall be a god. [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: Is this him? Is this your man? Oi, do you know what's going on? My Gran in hell of a state. DOCTOR: Come on, Mrs Tyler, wake up. LEELA: Come on, old woman, wake up. Wake up now. TYLER: Oi, what do you think you're doing? Leave her alone. DOCTOR: Do you know what's wrong with her? TYLER: Well, no, but DOCTOR: I do. Make some tea. TYLER: Tea? DOCTOR: Tea. She does drink tea? TYLER: Well, yeah. DOCTOR: Off you go and make some. Use the best china. Four cups laid out on a tray. Off you go. Oh, and some fruitcake. TYLER: Anything else? DOCTOR: No. DOCTOR: I love fruitcake. Come on, Mrs Tyler. This is no way to behave when you've got visitors. We've come for tea. LEELA: And fruitcake. DOCTOR: And fruitcake. [SCENE_BREAK] FENDELMAN: There, Colby, do you see it? STAEL: Turn it off! FENDELMAN: Where have you been, Stael. I needed you here. STAEL: Turn off the scanner! COLBY: Doctor Fendelman, I think you have an industrial relations problem. FENDELMAN: What are you talking? FENDELMAN: Have you lost your mind? STAEL: The scanner. FENDELMAN: No. COLBY: Relax, Max. I'll do it. FENDELMAN: Why, Stael? STAEL: I am not yet ready. My followers are not yet here. COLBY: Followers? Well, that's impressive. STAEL: Shut up, Colby, or I will kill you now. Outside, both of you. FENDELMAN: Is this some sort of joke, Max? COLBY: Oh no, Max isn't famous for his sense of humour, are you, Maxie? STAEL: I shall not warn you again, Colby. COLBY: You're going to kill us anyway, aren't you? STAEL: That depends on whether I enjoy having you worship me. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Then you mix the peanuts with the treacle [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Throw in the apple cores very hard, put the lot in a shallow tin and bake in a high oven for two weeks. (quietly) It's too late. She's slipping away. Come on. MARTHA: Here, just a minute. DOCTOR: What is it? MARTHA: That ain't the way to make a fruitcake. DOCTOR: Mrs Tyler! (laughs) MARTHA: Here, well, if you'm going to stay, you may as well sit yourselves down. I'll have the tea ready in a jiffy. TYLER: It's here, Gran. MARTHA: But that ain't the best china, John. And there's fresh cake in the other tin. Why, I'm sorry. When did I ask you to tea? I ain't never seen you afore in my life. DOCTOR: You were slipping away, Mrs Tyler. MARTHA: Slipping away? DOCTOR: Yes, psychic shock. I needed something normal to bring you back to reality. How long have you lived here, Mrs Tyler? MARTHA: Why should I tell 'ee ought? DOCTOR: Tell her I'm trying to help. TYLER: He's only trying to help, Gran. MARTHA: You mind your place, John. TYLER: Oh, now, no, we won't have none of those games. Now, Ted Moss and his cronies is up to something. It's something bad, and you're involved. Now, you tell him what he want to know. MARTHA: I ain't involved in anything. I were consulted. A lot of people consult me. You know I've got the second sight. DOCTOR: Yes. So you've lived in this cottage all your life, haven't you, Mrs Tyler. MARTHA: Why should I tell 'ee ought? DOCTOR: Well, telepathy and precognition are normal in anyone whose childhood was spent near a time fissure, like the one in the wood. TYLER: He's as bad as she is. Here, what's a time fissure? DOCTOR: It's a weakness in the fabric of space and time. Every haunted place has one, doesn't it? That's why they're haunted. It's a time distortion. This one must be very large. Large enough to have affected the place names round here. Like Fetchborough. Fetch. An apparition, hmm? MARTHA: How do 'ee know so much? DOCTOR: I read a lot. What did you see in the wood, Mrs Tyler? MARTHA: I didn't see ought with my eyes. DOCTOR: Then with your mind. Did it have a human shape? MARTHA: No. DOCTOR: Mrs Tyler, I must know. Did it have a human shape? MARTHA: No, it didn't. DOCTOR: Mrs. Jack, do something for me. TYLER: If I can. DOCTOR: It could be dangerous. TYLER: How? DOCTOR: I want you to keep an eye on the Priory. I must know who comes and goes. We'll be back tomorrow sundown. TYLER: Right. MARTHA: Here, girl. LEELA: Yes? MARTHA: Take this. 'Tis a charm will protect 'ee. MARTHA: I cast it for Ted Moss, but 'tis too late for him. LEELA: Thank you. MARTHA: John. TYLER: Yes, Gran? MARTHA: I seed that figure he spoke of in a dream. 'Twere a woman. [SCENE_BREAK] FENDELMAN: How long have you been planning this, whatever it is you're planning? STAEL: Ever since Mrs Tyler's visions began to come true. FENDELMAN: Visions? Oh, come now, Max. You have a first class brain. Use it! COLBY: First class brain? He's an occult freak. One of those feeble inadequates who thinks he communes with the devil. Oh, is that it, Max? Gonna summon up the devil, huh? STAEL: Unlike you, I am not a crude lout, Colby. The grimoires do not impress me. Mrs Tyler's paranormal gifts and the race memory she draws on, these were the signposts on the road to power. COLBY: Spare us the after dinner speech. STAEL: I look forward to your terror, Colby. FENDELMAN: I trusted him. COLBY: I didn't, and I'm going to end up just as dead as you, if that's any consolation. FENDELMAN: But why is he doing this? COLBY: Fendelman, it doesn't matter why. What matters is he's doing it, to us, unless we can get free before his so-called followers arrive. Hey, what about the security guards? FENDELMAN: In my absence, they are to take their instructions from him. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The fifth planet's a hundred and seven million miles out and twelve million years back, so we've no time to lose. LEELA: Do you think this thing, the Fendahl, comes from the fifth planet? DOCTOR: Well, it came from it a long time ago, before your species evolved on Earth. LEELA: How did it travel? DOCTOR: What? LEELA: Well, you said there's only one. It could not build a spacecraft. How did it get to Earth? DOCTOR: Well, it. Well, it probably used that enormous stockpile of energy to project itself across space. LEELA: Oh, you mean the way lightning travels. DOCTOR: No. Yes, well, something like that. Humans speak of astral projection, travelling psychically to different planets. That could be a race memory. LEELA: Race memory? DOCTOR: Yes. You see, sometimes people dream they've been to other places. It's, er, déjà vu. No? Leela is sleeping on the console room floor. She wakes and has her knife ready when the Doctor enters.) DOCTOR: No, no, no. Put it away, put it away. It's a good thing your tribe never developed guns. They'd have woken with a start one morning and wiped themselves out. LEELA: There was something chasing me. I, I couldn't move. Just a dream, I suppose. LEELA: Hey, what's wrong? DOCTOR: I've been checking the old data banks. There's no record at all of a fifth planet. LEELA: Does that matter? DOCTOR: Well of course it matters! We Time Lords are a very meticulous people. You have to be when you live as long as we do. All information is recorded. LEELA: Perhaps there wasn't any. DOCTOR: What? LEELA: Information. DOCTOR: What? DOCTOR: Of course. That's why there's no record of the planet. LEELA: Why? DOCTOR: That impression's produced by a time loop. LEELA: Time loop? DOCTOR: Yes, a time loop. All memory of a planet's been erased by a circle of time, making data and its records invisible. Only a Time Lord could do that. LEELA: That's very clever. DOCTOR: That's criminal! We've been on a wild goose chase. We'd better get back. Let's hope we're not too far round that time loop. LEELA: Is there anything I can do? DOCTOR: Yes. No, no. I'll just set the coordinates and we're on our way. [SCENE_BREAK] MARTHA: The Tower, struck by lightning. TYLER: Still no sign of him. Sundown, he said. MARTHA: I didn't reckon he'd be reliable. Never trust a man as wears a hat. TYLER: Well, Granddad always wore one. MARTHA: And a wicked old devil he were, too. TYLER: I wear one. MARTHA: Ah, but I give it to 'ee. That's different. Here, put this in your pocket. TYLER: More charms! Look, I'm not one of your punters, Gran. MARTHA: But 'tis Lammas Eve. TYLER: Look, you know that I don't believe in all that. MARTHA: Most round here do. And when most believe, that do make it true. TYLER: Most people used to believe that the Earth was flat, but it was still round. MARTHA: Ah ha, but they behaved as if 'twere flat. Here, just for me. TYLER: All right, then, if it makes you happy. MARTHA: Oh, I want they two cartridges. TYLER: What, you going rabbiting, Gran? MARTHA: I'm going to fill 'em with salt. TYLER: Salt? MARTHA: Salt's the best protection there be. TYLER: Evil spirits again, eh, Gran? MARTHA: You can laugh, John, but I know the old ways. Better than them up at the Priory, any road. You'd best get up there. We don't want 'em meddling in things they don't understand. [SCENE_BREAK] CORBY: What is that? FENDELMAN: A remote control unit connected to the scanner. CORBY: He's linking up that old bone with your scanner? Why? FENDELMAN: The power source! Colby, I think I know. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: We're going to be late. DOCTOR: Well of course we're going to be late! It's obvious we're going to be late! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The question is, where is it getting the power from? Inducted biological transmutation takes a lot of power. There isn't that sort of power available in the Priory. LEELA: What is it? Have you hurt yourself? DOCTOR: I've got it. It is available in the Priory. The skull's absorbing the energy released when the scanner beam damages the time fissure. Why didn't I think of that before? LEELA: Even you can't think of everything. DOCTOR: I can't? LEELA: No. DOCTOR: No. Well, I should have thought it. I was frightened in childhood by a mythological horror. LEELA: Oh. DOCTOR: Too frightened to think clearly. LEELA: Tsk, tsk, tsk. [SCENE_BREAK] STAEL: The waiting is over. Prepare yourselves. FENDELMAN: Don't do it, Stael! CORBY: Shut up, you fool. Let him electrocute himself. FENDELMAN: He will kill us all. Listen to me, all of you! He is a madman! FENDELMAN: You must stop him! Stop him now, before he plunges everything into chaos and death! COLBY: I'll plunge you into chaos and death if you don't shut up. FENDELMAN: You don't understand. I see now what will happen. STAEL: You do? FENDELMAN: Max, listen. The Doctor asked if my name was real. Fendelman. Man of the Fendahl. Don't you see? Only for this have the generations of my fathers lived. I have been used! You are being used! Mankind has been used! [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: Ain't in here, either. MARTHA: Oh, the house is empty, then. Oh, I don't hold with all this. 'Tis agin nature. TYLER: That sounded like a shot. Here, are there any cellars? MARTHA: Oh, there are cellars all under here, but they haven't been used for years. TYLER: Yeah, well they're being used now. MARTHA: Come on, boy. Ow! TYLER: You all right, Gran? MARTHA: Well, what do you think? [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: You murdering lunatic. STAEL: The way to power is open! [SCENE_BREAK] MARTHA: Oh, dammit, boy, that hurt. MARTHA: Listen, John. There's summat comin'. Can you hear it? Summat comin'. DOCTOR: Are you all right? TYLER: Damn, I'm glad to see you. You're not a moment too soon. MARTHA: No, a moment too late. Listen. DOCTOR: Come on, let's get out of here. LEELA: Doctor! DOCTOR: What? LEELA: That dream! I can't move! TYLER: My legs. I can't move my legs! MARTHA: Look! Look!
doc_87
The Space Pirates 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: SPACE (A huge beacon - a large decagonal structure made of eight pre-fabricated sections, a docking station and a power shield section - hangs in the blackness and silence of space. The words on the side of the structure designate it as "ALPHA 1". A smaller black, pointed ship moves up next to and docks with the beacon.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA ONE. AIRLOCK (The pressure gauge in the airlock reaches normal and the doorway from the new ship buzzes opens to admit three men dressed in helmets and space armour. They carry various pieces of equipment. One of them is an older moustached man - DERVISH. He is dressed in a uniform and helmet of the same ilk. He watches as one of the other two men moves to the doorway which leads into the beacon itself and starts to open it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: SPACE (Soon, outside the beacon, two men in helmeted spacesuits traverse along the hull. As they do so, they attach a small magnetic devices to the outside of the beacon along with a propulsion unit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA ONE. PASSAGEWAY (CAVEN, the leader of the raiders, walks into the beacon from the airlock. He wears a ribbed and armoured uniform with a helmet which covers most of his head but leaves his nose, mouth and cold eyes exposed.) CAVEN: Dervish... (Shouts.) Dervish! (DERVISH walks up to him from within the beacon.) DERVISH: We're nearly finished. CAVEN: About time. DERVISH: Our men are just coming. We'll detonate by radio beam. CAVEN: Right, hurry it up. (The other two men return and they all re-enter their ship. The door to the airlock buzzes closed behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: SPACE (The ship moves away from the beacon. A radio signal transmits from the ship and, seconds later, a huge explosion takes place that breaks the beacon up into its component sections.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: SPACE (A V-Ship, a large military cruiser with the registration number V41-LO, moves through space. It is flat with an small Eagle design on the front of the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (Inside the ship, the flight deck is on two levels. The upper level, whose front panel is decorated also with an Eagle insignia, is the command area whilst the flight technicians sit on the lower level. A large monitor screen dominates one of the walls of the lower level. All the occupants of the ship wear space-age military uniforms consisting of silvery suits with metallic interlocked diamond collar insignia. MAJOR IAN WARNE, the young American second in command, walks into the room and past TECHNICIAN PENN, another young man with dark hair and a moustache, on the lower level.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Everything all right, Penn? TECHNICIAN PENN: Fine, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Fine. (WARNE makes his way up to the upper level by way of some steps at the back and approaches an older grey-haired man who sits in a command chair overlooking the flight deck. The dais in front of the chair is covered by a large astral grid-map. At the back of the command level is a small monitor screen.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: You sent for me, sir? (GENERAL HERMACK looks up and speaks in a rich clipped tone.) GENERAL HERMACK: Ah yes. Ian, sit down. (WARNE sits in the chair next to him.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Thank you. GENERAL HERMACK: Any information on that beacon signal yet? MAJOR IAN WARNE: No sir. There's been no response to the secondary emergency circuits either. GENERAL HERMACK: No, there wouldn't be. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Sir? GENERAL HERMACK: What do you think has happened to that beacon? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well, it's difficult to say, sir. It could be a failure in the solar energy store. GENERAL HERMACK: No, the emergency power would operate and we'd get a May-Day signal. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well? (WARNE considers, then...) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Oh, you don't think this is a mechanical failure, sir? GENERAL HERMACK: No, no, I don't. These beacons are practically fool proof. MAJOR IAN WARNE: You got any ideas? GENERAL HERMACK: Yes, I have. And I must be right - Argonite! These beacons are almost entirely constructed of Argonite. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Of course, sir! What are you going to do about it? (HERMACK turns to the controls in front of his chair and switches on the ship wide communications. He picks up a microphone and speaks into it as all the personnel on the flight deck stop and listen to the echoing message...) GENERAL HERMACK: (Into microphone.) Attention all personnel. This is General Hermack. Your V-Ship is now fifty days and many billions of miles out from Earth. You're entering the fourth sector of our galaxy. In this sector for some time now, Earth Government has been aware that a highly organised gang of criminals have been roaming the space ways, and preying upon defenceless cargo ships. The main target of these criminals is Argonite, the most valuable mineral known to man, and so far only found on the planets of the Fourth Sector. A government space beacon marking the approaches to the planet New Sarum has ceased transmitting its navigation signal. These beacons, as you know, are constructed of Argonite. It is my belief that the criminals are attacking the government navigation beacons and plundering the Argonite. There can be no other explanation for its failure. This being the case, I have decided to...abandon our present mission and to investigate the missing beacon in the New Sarum sector. I want all section commanders on the bridge at twenty hundred hours, sector four, solar time. Resume normal duties until then. (He switches off and turns back to WARNE who gestures to the grid map.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: There are eighteen space beacons cra...scattered across this sector, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: Seventeen, Ian, until the one at New Sarum's replaced. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Seventeen. And they're millions of miles apart. GENERAL HERMACK: Mmm hmm. MAJOR IAN WARNE: So how can we be sure which one the pirates are likely to attack next? GENERAL HERMACK: (Smiles.) Ha ha! We can't. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well exactly. The odds are seventeen to one against us being in the right place at the right time. GENERAL HERMACK: Ah! With our speed, I think we can cut those odds a bit. (He also points to the map.) GENERAL HERMACK: Now, there are four beacons in the Pliny Solar System here. That is where we'll start our patrol. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: SPACE (Beacon "ALPHA 7" is as seemingly as peaceful in the blackness of space as its recently destroyed counterpart. Again, the sleek, pointed ship docks with the structure.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA SEVEN. AIRLOCK (Again the airlock gauge rises and the door to the newly arrived ship buzzes open. CAVEN and DERVISH both enter the airlock followed by the two space-suited pirates who again carry their equipment and start to ready it. CAVEN watches the two men impatiently.) CAVEN: (Urgently.) Come on! Speed it up. DERVISH: Caven, I don't like this. CAVEN: Nobody's asking you to like it. Just get those scissor charges laid into position. DERVISH: If we attack any more beacons we'll have the whole of the Interstella Space Corps in this sector. CAVEN: Look. As of this moment, the Space Corps has its hands full of trouble. Brush fire wars in three different sectors . There's never been a better time for getting rich. (DERVISH opens the door to the beacon.) DERVISH: Right lads. Now we'll lay four charges along the main axle, then we'll attach booster charges around the hull. Okay. (The two pirates move into the beacon. DERVISH is about to follow but CAVEN stops him.) CAVEN: You're a good engineer, Dervish. Just do your job and leave the Space Corps to me, eh? DERVISH: Okay, but I worked ten years for Earth Government. CAVEN: You should've stayed with them. They'd have given you a pension. (CAVEN laughs.) DERVISH: Attacking Government property is one crime they make sure never pays. CAVEN: Sixteen hundred tons of pure Argonite pays all right, Dervish. To me this is like a floating bank. (CAVEN laughs again and the two men step into the beacon.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: SPACE (The two space-suited pirates float along the outside of Beacon Alpha Seven, again placing charges and a propulsion unit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (WARNE is on the lower command deck and stops before the station of TECHNICIAN PENN.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: What range are the forward scanners set for, Penn? TECHNICIAN PENN: Fifteen hundred, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well, reset them at, er, two thousand. Right? TECHNICIAN PENN: Very good, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: And keep a sharp eye on that screen. There are lots of rogue asteroids in the Pliny System. TECHNICIAN PENN: Sir. (WARNE steps up to the upper deck where HERMACK is giving instructions to another part of the V-Ship through the tannoy system.) GENERAL HERMACK: (Into microphone.) Oh and one thing more. Make sure the Minnow ships are fully fuelled, and put the detonation heads on their missiles. Report back as soon as that is done. (HERMACK finishes giving his instructions.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: We're approaching the Pliny system now, sir. We've made scanner contact with the four beacons. They're functioning normally. GENERAL HERMACK: Ah good. (He looks over the astral chart and indicates one point on it.) GENERAL HERMACK: Now this - the planet Ta here - is the main one in the system. We'll orbit here for a few weeks and see what happens. MAJOR IAN WARNE: So that's Ta, huh? GENERAL HERMACK: Ah, you've heard of it? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yeah, that's the headquarters of the Issigri Mining Corporation. The most productive planet in the entire galaxy. GENERAL HERMACK: Hm hmm. Madeleine Issigri has built quite a place there. Which is one reason for basing ourselves in the Pliny system. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Why's that a reason, sir? GENERAL HERMACK: Well, if we're out here long, Ian, the men will need somewhere for rest and recreation. Deep space sickness is the one thing we can't chance. (PENN calls up from his lower deck station.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Major Warne? MAJOR IAN WARNE: What is it Penn? TECHNICIAN PENN: I've got a contact sir. At... (He checks the radar scanner.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Beacon Alpha Seven. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well hold on it. Any identification? TECHNICIAN PENN: No sir. Too far away. (HERMACK studies PENN'S screen from the upper level.) GENERAL HERMACK: Ah, it's a space ship right enough. Check central flight information, Ian, and see if anyone should be out there. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Right sir. (WARNE walks off to check and HERMACK shouts our an order to his crew.) GENERAL HERMACK: Change course for Beacon Alpha Seven. (He then speaks through the ship's tannoy system.) GENERAL HERMACK: (Into microphone.) Bridge to Power Room, I want ten seconds main boost. (The rising sound of the engines echoes through the room. WARNE returns with his report.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: According to flight information, sir, there should be no ships in the area within the next seventeen days. GENERAL HERMACK: Ah, well whoever they are they've not yet reported to central flight information. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Do you think it's the Pirates? GENERAL HERMACK: It could be. Though some of these commercial flights don't always like to report their whereabouts, er, for reasons of their own. Anyway we shall soon know. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: SPACE (The pirate ship moves away from Beacon Alpha Seven and off into space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (This movement shows on PENN'S radar screen.) TECHNICIAN PENN: She's backing off, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: Keep track of her. (The blip on the screen gathers pace as they all watch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: SPACE (The pirate ship moves further off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK TECHNICIAN PENN: She's moving quite fast, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Got a good turn of speed for a commercial. GENERAL HERMACK: Is Beacon Alpha Seven still functioning? (WARNE checks a reading.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Yes, sir. Very strong signal. GENERAL HERMACK: Ah, well, that's something. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Maybe they were just picking up emergency supplies, sir. Some of these beacons do carry reserve medical and oxygen equipment. TECHNICIAN PENN: (Puzzled.) Sir, I've... got another signal coming in now. It's a UHF! MAJOR IAN WARNE: UHF? Well that's reserved for demolition teams. GENERAL HERMACK: Well, put it on audio. TECHNICIAN PENN: Yes sir. (PENN does as instructed and the warbling signal is heard across the flight deck issuing from a loudspeaker.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: SPACE (Space Beacon Alpha Seven explodes, again not into fragments but into its component pre-fabricated sections.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK TECHNICIAN PENN: Alpha Seven's broken up, sir! GENERAL HERMACK: (Angrily.) Argh! Right under our noses. Main boost. (Again the sound of the rising engines is heard.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Lost the beacon, sir. No more signal. MAJOR IAN WARNE: No there won't be. It's probably in a dozen separate bits by now. GENERAL HERMACK: Penn, hold contact with that pirate ship! TECHNICIAN PENN: Yes, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: At least we can be sure they don't get away. Ian give me a projected arrival, time. (WARNE checks a console.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Three hours, sir. Maybe I can get a visual on the main scanner. (In place of the image of the radar signal, a picture of a pirate ship and the beacon fragments appears on the front view screen.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: There she is, sir. And that's what's left of the beacon. GENERAL HERMACK: (Pleased.) Oh we've got them cold, Ian! We'll be onto them long before they get rid of that salvaged scrap. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yeah, providing she doesn't see us approaching, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: They don't know... TECHNICIAN PENN: That ship looks fast... GENERAL HERMACK: They don't know we're in the same area. (Suddenly the image on the screen starts to become less distinct.) GENERAL HERMACK: What's wrong with the scanner? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Seem to be losing visual contact, sir. TECHNICIAN PENN: The ship's moving away, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: What? TECHNICIAN PENN: Just started to go...and the beacon debris's going with her. GENERAL HERMACK: Hold that contact, Penn! TECHNICIAN PENN: It's no good, sir. She's going too fast. GENERAL HERMACK: They must have twice our speed. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Maybe the minnows can hold her? GENERAL HERMACK: Not at this distance. They haven't the fuel. TECHNICIAN PENN: Lost contact, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: (Resigned.) Oh...hold the same course. TECHNICIAN PENN: Sir. GENERAL HERMACK: Keep searching. MAJOR IAN WARNE: They must have attached rocket units to the beacon, sir, the way it moved off. GENERAL HERMACK: Yes. They're very well organised. They cut the beacon into several manageable pieces by means of scissor charges, then shoot the bits off to some pre-arranged collection point. Very clever. MAJOR IAN WARNE: And quick. It cuts down the time they're at risk. And they just burn out the Argonite at their leisure. GENERAL HERMACK: Ian, we shall have to rethink our tactics. We shall never catch them by normal patrol methods. MAJOR IAN WARNE: What else can we do, sir? GENERAL HERMACK: (Thinks.) Man the beacons. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Man them? GENERAL HERMACK: It's the only answer. We'll drop small parties of four or five men on each beacon, and give them rations and supplies for two months. Well all these mark five beacons were designed as emergency survival centres. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yes sir, but I don't think anybody has ever tried living on them. Some of these beacons are pretty primitive. GENERAL HERMACK: (Snaps.) I'm not interested in men's comfort, Major! Set course for the nearest beacon. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yes, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: SPACE (Some time later, the V-Ship docks with another Space Beacon - Alpha Four, in order to carry out HERMACK'S strategy.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. AIRLOCK (The airlock pressure rises and the hatch from the V-Ship opens to admit the dark-skinned LT. SORBA and four other men who carry their guns and rations for their protracted stay. WARNE follows them into the airlock and small box-shaped communicator with a round aerial on top of it.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Here's your radio, lieutenant. It's beamed automatically to main control. All you have to do in the event of trouble is press this button, right? LT. SORBA: Don't worry, I'll press it. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Remember your main job here is to give us the earliest possible warning in the event of the pirate ship approaching right? LT. SORBA: And after that, we fight them. MAJOR IAN WARNE: After that, I think you'll have to, Joe. Good Luck. LT. SORBA: Thank you. MAJOR IAN WARNE: See you in about six weeks. LT. SORBA: I hope. (WARNE goes through the airlock and back into the V-Ship. The door closes behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: SPACE (The V-Ship disconnects from the Beacon and moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (WARNE walks back onto the flight deck through the opening door as HERMACK gives the order to go onto their next destination.) GENERAL HERMACK: Set a course for Alpha Nine. TECHNICIAN PENN: Very good, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: I told Lieutenant Sorba we'd be back in about six weeks, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: Or much earlier if the pirates raid Alpha Four. How's morale on the picket? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Oh, it's pretty high sir. I think they're hoping for the chance of a party. GENERAL HERMACK: They understand they have to shoot on sight? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yes sir, I told them. No, anybody poking their nose aboard Alpha Four will find plenty of trouble waiting for 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPUTER BAY (The TARDIS materialises in the middle of this potential battlefield. Its arrival point is a cramped computer bay in one of the sections.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPANIONWAY (Meanwhile, LT. SORBA is briefing three of his men in one of the narrow companionways of the beacon. As he does so, the fourth of his SPACE GUARDS climbs down a ladder into the companionway.) LT. SORBA: Now we're going to be here for about six weeks. Settle down... (The SPACE GUARD pushes through him comrades.) SPACE GUARD: 'Scuse me. LT. SORBA: ...and keep your eyes open. Take care about... SPACE GUARD: (Interrupts.) Sir! LT. SORBA: What? What are you doing here? Why aren't you in the observation tower? SPACE GUARD: There's something in the computer bay, sir. LT. SORBA: Something? Well what do you mean by that? SPACE GUARD: I heard something in there, sir - a noise. LT. SORBA: All right, we'd better check it out then. Come on. (The men run off towards the computer bay with their guns held.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPUTER BAY (The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS and looks round his darkened surroundings. The TARDIS is at the back of the small compartment on a raised platform. In front of the platform is a square piece of machinery.) DOCTOR: Oh dear. (ZOE, dressed in light-coloured hotpants and matching top, steps out of the TARDIS behind him.) ZOE: Well, what's wrong? DOCTOR: Well, I...well, I don't think we're...we're quite where I expected. (JAMIE mutters in no great surprise. The DOCTOR spots the piece of machinery and starts to look over it.) DOCTOR: But never mind. This looks very interesting. JAMIE: Interesting? A piece of old machinery? DOCTOR: Yes. I...I've never seen a computer quite like this before, Jamie. (ZOE starts to look round the compartment.) ZOE: It looks like some sort of control room. DOCTOR: Yes, but what does it control? JAMIE: Ah, well I think we'd better get out of here before somebody catches us. ZOE: Good idea. (She indicates a door to her left.) ZOE: There's a door here. JAMIE: No, Zoe, I meant in the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Jamie, stop worrying. There's obviously nobody here. JAMIE: Well, how do you know that? DOCTOR: Well, this machine is programmed to operate by itself. JAMIE: Eh? ZOE: Yes, but what does it do? DOCTOR: Well, I'm not sure Zoe, but I...I think we're on an unmanned spacecraft in a...in a fixed orbit. We're...we're too far away from anywhere to be a...a weather satellite. Let's see what, er, what clues we can find through here, shall we? (They are about to leave the computer bay through the hatchway indicated by ZOE into the corridor when JAMIE sees a floor panel opening in the upper level of the bay.) JAMIE: What's that? DOCTOR: What? (Before JAMIE can answer, SORBA pops his head through and starts firing at the trio.) JAMIE: Doctor! ZOE: Oh Jamie, run! (The DOCTOR, JAMIE and ZOE bolt into the corridor, but away from the computer bay and the TARDIS. JAMIE slams the hatch behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR JAMIE: Nobody here eh? ZOE: Oh now what are we going to do? The TARDIS is in there. DOCTOR: There's only one thing we can do. ZOE: What? DOCTOR: Run. JAMIE: Well, maybe next time you'll listen to me. ZOE: If there is a next time. (They dash off as the hatch opens with SORBA and his men in pursuit. SORBA turns round to his men.) LT. SORBA: All right there are only three of them and they can't get away. Hunt them down and don't forget - shoot to kill. (They carry on the chase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: SPACE (Meanwhile, the Pirates' beta dart ship docks with Beacon Alpha Four.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. AIRLOCK (The airlock buzzes open and CAVEN and DERVISH step through, looking round.) CAVEN: Alpha Four. Another present from the home planet's tax payers. DERVISH: Same procedure as last time? CAVEN: Yes, Dervish, but now that you've had a little practice get those scissor charges laid a bit quicker eh? (The sound of shots from SORBA and his men reach them.) DERVISH: Hey, what's that? Caven, those were blaster guns! CAVEN: Get the crew in here - at the double. (DERVISH moves back through the airlock into the beta dart to get the crew.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. ANOTHER CORRIDOR (The TARDIS crew, somewhat out of breath, run into another corridor and lock the connecting door behind them.) JAMIE: Are you all right, Zoe? ZOE: Yes, I think so. (The DOCTOR turns a locking bar on the hatch door.) DOCTOR: That should hold them for a little while. ZOE: Oh, why are they trying to kill us? We haven't done anything. JAMIE: (Indignantly.) No! DOCTOR: I don't know. But we're certainly not stopping to find out. (A strange sound reaches them.) JAMIE: What's that? (Points.) Look! (The light of a thermic lance appears on the door as SORBA and his men start to cut their way through.) DOCTOR: Come on. Let's find somewhere else to hide. (They run down the corridor into another room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR (SORBA and his men continue cutting through the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPARTMENT (The TARDIS crew find that they have reached a dead end. They are on another small platform which has a handrail running along it. On the right hand side of the lower level is a bank of machinery.) JAMIE: Doctor, there's no way out of here. DOCTOR: What? JAMIE: Look! ZOE: (Plaintively.) Oh Doctor, what can we do? DOCTOR: Well, I don't know. If we go down there we'll bump straight into them. I'm afraid we're trapped! [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR (The pirates catch up with the space corps and shoot down SORBA'S men in front of the doorway they are still cutting through. As SORBA collapses, he uses the radio beam to send out a distress signal.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK TECHNICIAN PENN: Thirty minutes from Beacon Alpha Three, sir GENERAL HERMACK: Right, warn the picket to stand by on C deck, Ian. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Right, sir. (He is about to step away, but an alarm beep starts to be heard in the room.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Emergency from Beacon Alpha Four, sir! MAJOR IAN WARNE: Sorba's being attacked! GENERAL HERMACK: Set course for Alpha Four. Try and get me a visual on the scanner, Ian. TECHNICIAN PENN: On course, sir. (HERMACK speaks into the communicator.) GENERAL HERMACK: (Into microphone.) Bridge to Power House: I want main boost for as long as you can hold it without vapourising the motors. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR (CAVEN and his men are standing over the bodies of the space corps guards. CAVEN notices SORBA is still moving.) CAVEN: This one's still alive. DERVISH: So the Space Corps were too busy to bother about us eh? CAVEN: (Harshly.) Shut up! I'm thinking. DERVISH: There's no time for thinking - we've got to get out of here! CAVEN: Four space guards and an officer. What are they doing here? DERVISH: There must be a cruiser in the area. CAVEN: Not a big enough crew to defend the beacon, but they must have been put on board for a reason. (He notices the radio beam device near SORBA'S hand. He picks it up to examine it.) CAVEN: What's this? DERVISH: It looks like a fixed beam transmitter. (Realises.) Why that's it! Well, they'll...they'll be on their way back here by now. CAVEN: (Quietly.) Then you'd better get moving. DERVISH: Well, you don't still want the beacon cutting up? CAVEN: That's what we came here to do. DERVISH: Well, you might...! CAVEN: (Interrupts.) Don't waste time. Get on with it. (As DERVISH walks off, CAVEN takes out his gun and destroys the transmitter...) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (...and the signal on the flight deck cuts out.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Could be their radio's packed up, sir? GENERAL HERMACK: Yes. Can you give me a projected arrival time? (WARNE checks his console.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Two hours, twenty minutes. GENERAL HERMACK: I should have left a stronger picket. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Oh no, sir. We haven't the man power. Besides, Sorba knew he could only hope to delay things. GENERAL HERMACK: I am going to get that gang of murdering thieves if I have to spend the next ten years out here! [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR (LT. SORBA, weakened from his wound, lies in a heap on the floor, with CAVEN standing over him. SORBA looks over his fallen comrades.) CAVEN: Yes, Lieutenant, you're the last of the toy soldiers. LT. SORBA: Shot in the back. CAVEN: (Laughs.) You mean we're disqualified? You don't want to play any more? LT. SORBA: You can laugh now. But you won't get away with this. CAVEN: Who's going to stop me, Lieutenant? LT. SORBA: How did you get those decoys aboard? CAVEN: (Puzzled.) Decoys? LT. SORBA: Those three that lead us into your ambush. CAVEN: Concussion Lieutenant, or stalling for time - which? LT. SORBA: You know who I'm talking about. They ran off into the aft-companion way. CAVEN: None of my men down there. Must be some of yours. LT. SORBA: (Sarcastically.) Sure, we were having a private training session with loaded Thermite Guns. CAVEN: (Considers.) We did hear firing in the airlock. You mean there really is someone else in there? LT. SORBA: I thought you'd planted them there. CAVEN: Well, whoever they are, I've got no time to bother with them now. (DERVISH runs up to CAVEN.) DERVISH: I've laid the charges. Just fixing the rockets. CAVEN: Good. (He gestures to SORBA.) CAVEN: Well, if he can walk get him out of here. If he can't leave him. (CAVEN fires his gun at the round lock on the hatch door to the compartment.) DERVISH: What are you doing ? (CAVEN fires again.) CAVEN: Just sealing a coffin, Dervish. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPARTMENT (On the other side of the door, the three travellers strain to listen to the pirates' conversation.) JAMIE: I wish we could hear what they're saying. ZOE: I believe they're trying to burn through it. DOCTOR: Just a minute. I think they've gone away. ZOE: Well, I don't understand. Why didn't they come in here after us? JAMIE: Aye, they must've known we were trapped. DOCTOR: Well... JAMIE: Why not finish us off? DOCTOR: They didn't seem very friendly did they? (The DOCTOR, who has been leaning against the door to listen, suddenly jumps back.) DOCTOR: Oh! JAMIE: What's the matter? DOCTOR: Well it's hot. You try. JAMIE: Er, ah, no thank you. ZOE: I told you they were trying to burn through it. JAMIE: Well, why haven't they? (They hear a banging noise outside the compartment.) ZOE: ... JAMIE: Shh! ZOE: What's that? (They move to listen against the outer wall.) DOCTOR: There's something moving out there. ZOE: It sounds as though somebody's on the hull. [SCENE_BREAK] 36: SPACE (Once again, two space-suited pirates attach the charges and propulsion units to the hull.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPARTMENT JAMIE: What are they doing? DOCTOR: I don't know Jamie. Perhaps they're cleaning the windows? JAMIE: Oh... (Realising.) Hey? ZOE: Look, why don't we sneak back to the TARDIS and get out of here? JAMIE: Aye, while we've still got the chance. DOCTOR: Sensible idea, Zoe. Er, umm. You sure there's nobody out there? ZOE: Well, I haven't heard anybody for ages. Come on. (ZOE approaches the door.) DOCTOR: Mind out, it's hot. (She touches the door.) ZOE: Well it's not hot any more. DOCTOR: What? (ZOE tries to open the door, but it won't budge.) ZOE: Oh, I can't unlock it. JAMIE: Oh, let me, Zoe. You'll have to eat more porridge. (JAMIE gives it a try, but to no avail.) DOCTOR: Jamie, I don't think it's any use. You know what I think they've done? JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: They've welded the lock. We're prisoners. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: SPACE (The Pirates' Beta Dart detaches from the beacon and moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (PENN calls up to the commanding officers on the upper deck.) TECHNICIAN PENN: They're leaving Beacon Alpha Four, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 40: SPACE (The Beta Dart continues to speed off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK MAJOR IAN WARNE: It's exactly what happened before. GENERAL HERMACK: What is our arrival time? TECHNICIAN PENN: Still ninety minutes to go, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: (Furiously.) We are going to be too late again! (They suddenly hear the detonation radio signal.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: The beacon should blow any second now. [SCENE_BREAK] 42: SPACE (Space Beacon Alpha Four explodes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPARTMENT (The TARDIS crew is thrown to the floor screaming, as smoke fills the exploding beacon.)
doc_88
EXT. CITY STREET, NIGHT Streetlights flicker and a few people mill about the park across from Sanderson & Grainger department store. INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, NIGHT A young clerk, KELLY, and her supervisor, SHONA, are serving the last customer of the night. SHONA: Thank you. (gives customer his bag) KELLY: I better cash up then? S'pose John-Joe can just wait for me? (doesn't move) SHONA: No, I'll do it, you head off. The lights in the store flicker. KELLY: When's the council going to fix this? Last night my telly went off in the middle of Top Model. SHONA: John-Joe's waiting. I'll do the changing rooms, too. KELLY: Oh, thanks, Shona. KELLY leaves and SHONA looks at the lights nervously. INT. OWENS HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT The hall light flickers as CRAIG and SOPHIE come down the stairs. SOPHIE has a coat on. SOPHIE: There's a list on the fridge. CRAIG: I saw it. SOPHIE: And I've labelled the food And sort of numbered it. CRAIG: Sophie, you don't need to number food. SOPHIE: It's just a suggestion. Also, my mum might phone. CRAIG: Might? SOPHIE: And your Mum. And my Dad. And you know, just some people. CRAIG: I can cope on my own! Now, please, go and have a rest. You need it. I love you. SOPHIE: I love you, too. (hugs him) And thank you for this. And I do know you can cope on your own. And I may have drawn some arrows in the fridge. CRAIG: You do really have to go. CRAIG picks up her bag and walks her outside. INT. STORE, LADIES CHANGING ROOMS, NIGHT SHONA walks into the changing rooms and sees clothes strewn about the floor as the lights continue to flicker. SHONA: Kelly! SHONA bends over to start picking up the clothes. The curtain over the last room waves. SHONA: Hello? Sorry, we need to close up? Two minutes, OK? (continues to pick up clothes) INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT CRAIG is sitting at the table talking on the phone. CRAIG: Mum, it's not just you. I'm phoning everybody. I'm texting the world. Craig Owens can do it on his own. No-one is coming to help me! (knock on the front door) Mum, I'm going to have to call you back. (shuts off the phone and rubs his eyes as the knocking continues) I'm coping, I'm coping on my own... I'm coping on my own! (walks to the front door) EXT. OWENS HOUSE, FRONT DOOR, NIGHT CRAIG: (opens door) I'm coping on my own! DOCTOR: Hello, Craig! I'm back! CRAIG: She didn't? How could she phone you? DOCTOR: How could who phone me? Nobody phoned me, I'm just here. (peers inside) You've redecorated! I don't like it. CRAIG: It's a different house, we moved. DOCTOR: Yes, that's it. CRAIG: Doctor, what are you doing here? DOCTOR: Social call. Thought it was about time I tried one out. How are you? CRAIG: I'm fine. DOCTOR: This is the bit where I say. "I'm fine, too" isn't it? I'm fine, too. Good. Love to Sophie, bye! The DOCTOR turns and walks away but stops when the light at the front door begins to flicker. DOCTOR: Something's wrong! (goes inside) CRAIG shuts the door. INT. OWENS HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR is scanning with the sonic. He then goes upstairs. DOCTOR: On your own, you said. But you're not... you're not on your own! CRAIG: (follows) Just, shhh! DOCTOR: Increased sulphur emissions. And look at the state of this place. What are you not telling me? CRAIG: Doctor, please! DOCTOR: Shhh! CRAIG: No, you shhh! DOCTOR: Shhh! CRAIG: Shhh! DOCTOR: No, you shhh! (goes to bedroom door) CRAIG: Doctor! INT. STORE, LADIES CHANGING ROOMS, NIGHT SHONA is still cleaning up when she sees the shadow of a pair of legs appear in the last changing room. SHONA: (walks closer) Hello, who's in there? INT. OWENS HOUSE, HALL, NIGHT The DOCTOR opens the bedroom door and rushes in. INT. OWENS HOUSE, ALFIE'S ROOM, NIGHT We see the room is a nursery with stuffed toys and cloth hangings on the walls. The DOCTOR doesn't see any of this. DOCTOR: Whatever you are, get off this planet! ALFIE starts to cry and CRAIG goes over to the crib. CRAIG: Oh, you've woken him! INT. STORE, LADIES CHANGING ROOMS, NIGHT SHONA stops just outside the curtain. SHONA: Hello? You all right? SHONA opens the curtain and screams. Inside is a CYBERMAN, albeit one that is dirty and scratched. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvill "Closing Time" By Gareth Roberts Producer Marcus Wilson Director Steve Hughes [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT The DOCTOR closes the freezer door and turns to CRAIG DOCTOR: So when you say on your own... CRAIG: (holding ALFIE) Yes, I meant on my own with the baby, yes. Cos no-one thinks I can cope on my own. Which is so unfair. Because...I can't cope on my own with him! I can't. He just cries. All the time. I mean, do they have off-switches? DOCTOR: (sits at table and flips through a pregnancy book) Human beings. No. I've checked. CRAIG: (puts ALFIE in high chair) No, babies. DOCTOR: Same difference. Sometimes this works though. (puts forefinger in front of his lips) Ssh. ALFIE quiets. CRAIG: Can you teach me to do that? DOCTOR: (now looking at baby books) Probably not. CRAIG: Oh, please come on, I need something, I'm rubbish at this. DOCTOR: At what? CRAIG: Being a dad. You read all the books, they tell you you'll know what to do if you follow your instinct. I have no instinct! That's what this weekend's about, trying to prove to people I can do this one thing well. DOCTOR: (laughs at the book and closes it) So what did you call him? Will I blush? CRAIG: No, we didn't call him "the Doctor"! DOCTOR: No, I didn't think you would. CRAIG: He's called Alfie. What are you doing here anyway? As CRAIG prepares tea, the DOCTOR leans over and listens to ALFIE. DOCTOR: Yes, he likes that, Alfie. Though personally he prefers to be called Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All. CRAIG: Sorry, what? DOCTOR: That's what he calls himself. CRAIG: How do you know that? DOCTOR: I speak baby. (stands) CRAIG: Of course you do! I don't even know when his nappy needs changing. (sits) I'm the one supposed to be his dad. DOCTOR: Oh, yeah. He's wondering where his mum is? (massages CRAIG'S shoulders) Where is Sophie? CRAIG: Gone away with Melina for the weekend. Needs a rest. DOCTOR: (to ALFIE) No, he's your dad, you can't just call him 'Not-Mum'. CRAIG: Not-Mum? DOCTOR: That's you. Also, Not Mum, that's me. And everybody else is...(leans in front of ALFIE) "peasants." That's a bit unfortunate. (tickles ALFIE's head) CRAIG: What are you here for? DOCTOR: I just popped in to say hello. (almost puts a piece of chalk in his mouth) CRAIG: I checked down stairs when I moved in. And next door, both sides, they're humans. Is it the fridge? Are there aliens in my fridge? DOCTOR: I just want to see you, Craig! Cross my hearts. (each hand crosses a heart) I've been knocking about on my own. A farewell tour. One last thing, popping in to see you, then I'm off to the Alignment of Exedor. CRAIG: The Alignment of Exedor? DOCTOR: 17 galaxies in perfect unison. Meant to be spectacular, I can't miss it. Literally can't. It's locked in a time stasis field, I get one crack at flying my TARDIS straight into it, if I get my dates right. (looks at newspaper) Which I have. CRAIG: Sounds nice. DOCTOR: (picks up the paper again) So this is me popping in and popping out again. Just being social, just having a laugh. (slowly) Never mind that. CRAIG: Never mind what? DOCTOR: Nothing. CRAIG: (stands) No, you noticed something. You've got your noticing face on. I have nightmares about that face. The DOCTOR puts a hand over his face and spins around as CRAIG talks. DOCTOR: Nope, given up all that, done with noticing things. (lights flicker) Didn't even notice that, for example. Got to go. Good seeing you, Craig. (shakes CRAIG'S hand) Goodbye, Stormageddon. (air kisses ALFIE on each cheek) ALFIE starts fussing as the DOCTOR walks away. CRAIG: No, no, wait, wait, could you do the shushing thing? Shhh. DOCTOR: No, it only works once, and only on life forms with underdeveloped brains. CRAIG: Hang on, you said farewell tour? What do you mean, farewell? DOCTOR: Ssh... CRAIG can't speak. EXT. OWENS HOUSE, STREET, NIGHT The DOCTOR walks down the street talking to himself. DOCTOR: Just go. Stop noticing. Just go! Stop noticing! Just go. Stop noticing. Just go. Stop it! (sees the streetlight flicker) Am I noticing? No, no I am not. And what I am not doing is scanning for electrical fluctuations. (scans with sonic) Oh, shut up, you! I'm just dropping in on a friend, the last thing I need right no is a patina of teleport energy, I'm going. Going! Not staying. Going. I am through saving them. (rests head on TARDIS door) I'm going away now. INT. STORE, TOY DEPARTMENT, DAY The DOCTOR is demonstrating a remote control helicopter for a group of children. DOCTOR: It goes up-tiddly up, it goes down-tiddly down-down! For only £49.99, which I think is a bit steep but then again it's your parents' cash and they'll only waste it on boring stuff like lamps and vegetables, yawn! CRAIG enters pushing ALFIE in a stroller. He's on his mobile with SOPHIE. CRAIG: Yeah, Soph... Just enjoy your holiday! Yeah, coping. DOCTOR: Nobody panic, but I appear to be losing control. CRAIG: Yeah, love you. The helicopter comes down behind CRAIG. The DOCTOR sits on the display table. DOCTOR: Oops. (kneels on the floor and gathers the children around him) Guys, guys, ladies and gentlemen, while I deal with this awkward moment you go and find your parents/guardians! Try in lamps! (gives one girl a high five before they leave) Craig! CRAIG: What the hell are you doing here? DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor, I work in a shop now. Here to help. They gave me a badge (points) with my name on in case I forget who I am, very thoughtful, as that does happen. CRAIG: You were leaving... the alignment of Exeter, what about that? One chance to see it, you said. DOCTOR: Well, I was on my way, saw a shop, got a job, you got to live in the moment, Craig. (turns away) Mind Yappy. CRAIG: What? DOCTOR: Yappy. The robot dog. Not so much fun as I remember. (strokes YAPPY) You look awful! CRAIG: I haven't slept, have I? I still can't stop him crying. I even tried singing to him last night. DOCTOR: Yeah, he did mention that...he thought you were crying, too. He didn't get a wink. Yappy, say goodbye to Craig and Stormageddon. (pretends to be the dog) "Goodbye, Craig, goodbye, Stormageddon." As the DOCTOR sets Yappy down, something whizzes across the floor at the other end of the department. DOCTOR: What was that? (heads down the aisle) CRAIG: You're here for a reason, aren't you? You noticed something, and you're investigating it. The DOCTOR gets down on his hands and knees. CRAIG: Because it's you, it's going to be dangerous and alien. DOCTOR: (stands) It might not be. CRAIG: Doctor, I live here, I need to know! DOCTOR: No, you don't. CRAIG: My baby lives here, my son. DOCTOR: Sheila Clark, went missing Tuesday. Atif Ghosh, last seen Friday. Tom Luker, last seen Sunday. CRAIG: (picks up newspaper) Why's that not on the front page? DOCTOR: Page one has an exclusive on Nina, a local girl who got kicked off Britain's Got Talent. These people are on pages seven, 19, 22. (pushes the stroller) No-one's noticed yet, they're far too excited about Nina's emotional journey, which in fairness, is quite inspiring. CRAIG: And what else? INT. STORE, CHILDREN'S, DAY DOCTOR: These funny old power fluctuations... which just happen to coincide with the disappearances. CRAIG: That's just the council, putting in new cables. Isn't it? The DOCTOR stops in front of the lift that is blocked by construction tape. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, that's it, mystery solved, oh, wasting my time, now you can go home and (uses sonic on lift) I can go to Exedor, goodbye, and here's a lift. CRAIG: It says out of order. DOCTOR: Not any more. (pulls down tape) See? Here to help. The lift doors open and the DOCTOR starts to push the stroller inside. CRAIG takes over. CRAIG: It says, "danger". DOCTOR: Oh, rubbish, lifts aren't dangerous. CRAIG: Do I look like I'm stupid? ALFIE gurgles. INT. STORE, LIFT, DAY DOCTOR: Quiet, Stormy! Oh, all right, there's more. (enters lift and uses sonic on the panel) Just between you, me and Stormy, don't want to frighten my punters. Someone's been using a teleport relay, right here in this shop. Missing people last seen in this area. (places his finger on CRAIG'S lips) Before you ask, CCTV's been wiped. CRAIG: A teleport? (stammers) A teleport? Like a beam me up teleport, (uses hand motions) like you see in Star Trek? DOCTOR: Exactly. Someone's been using a beam me up Star Trek teleport. Could be disguised as anything. CRAIG: But a teleport? In a shop? That's ridiculous! The lights flicker again and they are no longer in the lift. CRAIG hasn't noticed. INT. CYBERSHIP, DAY CRAIG: What was that? Was that the lights again? DOCTOR: (squeaky) Yes, that's it. That's all, it's the lights. CRAIG: Why did you say that like that? DOCTOR: (high) Like what? (normal) Like, like what? CRAIG: Like that, in that high-pitched voice. DOCTOR: Just keep looking at me, Craig. Right at me, just keep looking. CRAIG: Why? DOCTOR: Well, because, because, because... (CRAIG starts to turn around and the DOCTOR grabs his arms) I love you. CRAIG: You love me? DOCTOR: Yes, Craig. It's you. It's always been you. CRAIG: Me? The DOCTOR puts his arms around CRAIG'S shoulders, trying to hide the fact he's taken out the sonic. DOCTOR: Is that so surprising? CRAIG: Doctor, are you going to kiss me? DOCTOR: Yes, Craig. Yes, I am. Would you like that? Bit out of practice, but I've had some wonderful feedback. (puckers up) CRAIG: Doctor, no, I can't, I'm taken... (turns around and sees the ship) Oh, my God! DOCTOR: Or we could just hold hands if it make you'd feel more comfortable? CRAIG: What is happening? A Cyberman appears in the distance and sees them. DOCTOR: Well, first of all, I don't really love you, except as a friend. The Cyberman walks towards them. CRAIG: And what is that? With a scream, the DOCTOR uses the sonic on the machinery sending them back to the lift just as the Cyberman was about to reach them. INT. STORE, LIFT, DAY DOCTOR: Quick reverse! CRAIG: What the hell just happened? INT. STORE, CHILDREN'S, DAY The lift opens and the DOCTOR strides out, followed by CRAIG pushing the stroller. DOCTOR: They must have linked the teleport relay to the lift, but I've fused it! They can't use that again. Stuck up there on their spaceship. CRAIG: What were those things? DOCTOR: Cybermen. CRAIG: Ship? Space ship? We were in space? EXT. CITY STREET, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CRAIG look up at the sky as the DOCTOR scans with the sonic. DOCTOR: It's got to be up there somewhere, can't get a fix, it must be shielded. CRAIG: You fused the teleport. You sorted it. They can't come back. DOCTOR: I've just bought myself a little time. Still got to work out what they're doing before I can stop it. CRAIG: But if they've got the teleport and they're evil, why haven't they invaded already? DOCTOR: Craig... take Alfie and go. CRAIG: No! DOCTOR: No? CRAIG: No, I remember from last time, people got killed, people that didn't know you. I know where it's safest, for me and Alfie. And that's right next to you. DOCTOR: Is that so? CRAIG: Yeah, you always win, you always survive! DOCTOR: Those were the days. CRAIG: I can help you, I'm staying! DOCTOR: Craig...(shakes head) Craig, all right, all right... maybe those days aren't quite over yet. Let's go and investigate... I mean, there's no immediate danger now. INT. STORE, JEWELRY, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CRAIG walk in with the stroller. The DOCTOR greets an older woman behind the counter. DOCTOR: Good afternoon, Val. VAL: Hello. The DOCTOR starts to walk over to the counter, but CRAIG grabs his arm. CRAIG: Where am I investigating? DOCTOR: Well, look round. Ask questions. People like it when you're with a baby, babies are sweet, people talk to you. That's why I usually take a human with me. CRAIG: So I'm your baby? DOCTOR: You're my baby! (hugs CRAIG) From the counter, VAL watches and smiles. CRAIG leaves with ALFIE. The DOCTOR tries on a pair of sunglasses. VAL: Hope you don't mind me saying, Doctor, but I think you look ever so sweet, you and your partner and the baby. DOCTOR: Partner. Yes, I like it. Is it better than 'companion'? VAL: Companion sounds old-fashioned. There's no need to be coy these days. DOCTOR: You've not noticed anything unusual around here lately, Val? VAL: Well... DOCTOR: Yes, yes? VAL: Mary Warnock saw Don Petheridge snogging Andrea Groom outside the Conservative Club on his so-called day off 'golfing'. DOCTOR: Yeah. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. The DOCTOR air-kisses VAL on each cheek and starts to walk away. VAL: And then there's that silver rat thing. DOCTOR: (turns) What? INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, NIGHT As CRAIG walks through pushing the stroller, we see a "silver rat thing" zip across the floor. CRAIG stops to give himself a pep talk. CRAIG: All right, Alfie, you watch Daddy investigate. You look cute, I'll do the talking. CRAIG approaches KELLY, who is holding bras up for size. CRAIG leans in a little close. KELLY: Good afternoon, sir, can I help you? CRAIG: Hiya! (holds out his hand) I'm Craig! KELLY: (ignores CRAIG'S hand) Yeah? CRAIG: Do you mind, if I just ask you some questions? KELLY: Y'what? CRAIG: Just between you and me, in confidence, have you noticed anything unusual? Interesting? KELLY: Y'what? CRAIG: Talk to me about ladieswear. KELLY: (backs away) George! A large security guard walks over. CRAIG: Hi, George... nice uniform. INT. STORE, TOY DEPARTMENT, NIGHT The DOCTOR is under a table scanning with the sonic. He has a large net in his other hand. DOCTOR: A silver rat. (stands) Glowing red eyes. VAL: Yes, then it zizzed off. I wanted to get one for my nephew, but stockroom say there's no such item. DOCTOR: I bet they do. (puts away sonic) VAL: Well, what was it then? Answer me that. INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, NIGHT GEORGE: Can I help you, sir? CRAIG: Have you seen how cute my baby is? Look at his face. (backs away pulling stroller) I'm going to head off actually. All right, whoa..(knocks over a stand) INT. STORE, TOY DEPARTMENT, NIGHT The DOCTOR and VAL hear the sound of stands falling over. VAL: What's all that hullabaloo? DOCTOR: Umm. That'll be my partner! (hands VAL the net and runs off) VAL: Aww! INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, NIGHT CRAIG is trying to pick up the items. ALFIE is crying. GEORGE: Make a habit of hanging round in womens' wear, sir? CRAIG: I'm sorry, oh, ssh, ssh, Alfie, come on. (rocks the stroller) KELLY: He's a pervert, look at him. The DOCTOR runs over. DOCTOR: Hello, everyone! Here to help. KELLY: Hello, Doctor. GEORGE: Hello, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hello. Has anyone seen a silver rat? No, OK. Long shot, I see you've met my friend, Craig. Nice uniform George. (gives him the "OK" sign and whistles) GEORGE: Thank you, Doctor. If he's with you, that's all right then. KELLY: Sorry. I thought he was hassling me, 'cause that's the last thing I need today. 'Cause Shona's not turned up, right, so I'm doing twice the work for the same money. DOCTOR: Ssh! KELLY stops talking. CRAIG: Please teach me how to do that. DOCTOR: No hold on... Un-ssh! Shona? KELLY: My supervisor. She's meant to be in today but never showed up. DOCTOR: Where did you last see her? INT. STORE, LADIES CHANGING ROOMS, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CRAIG walk along the changing room corridor. CRAIG: How do you do that? It's a power, isn't it, some sort of weird alien hypnotic power, I bet you excrete some sort of gas that makes people love you. DOCTOR: Would that I could, Craig. The DOCTOR opens a curtain and a woman screams. He closes the curtain. DOCTOR: Sorry, Madam. (opens curtain) I'd try that in red if I were you. (closes curtain) CRAIG: I'm right though, aren't I? DOCTOR: (peers into another room) You love me, I've never excreted any weird alien gases at you. CRAIG: I don't love you! Don't start that again. ALFIE gurgles. DOCTOR: Yes, I know. Of course he does. Of course you do, we're partners. CRAIG: But I did exactly what you would have done, and I nearly got arrested! ALFIE makes some more noises. DOCTOR: Stormy thinks you should believe in yourself more. (scans with the sonic) CRAIG: Great, now my baby is reviewing me. The DOCTOR steps into the last room. DOCTOR: Here. Right here Last night, a Cyberman took Shona. CRAIG: A Cyberman...I thought it was a little silver rat? DOCTOR: It's not a rat. It's a Cybermat! CRAIG: All right don't have a go at me just cos I don't know the names. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CRAIG walk through the department. DOCTOR: Cybermats are infiltrators. Very small, very deadly... they collect power like bees collect pollen. One of them's been sucking the electrical energy from this area. But why a shop, you know, why not a nuclear power station? CRAIG: OK, why? DOCTOR: Let's ask it. We wait for the shop to shut, we stake the place out, and grab ourselves a Cybermat. CRAIG: And this is just a coincidence, is it? DOCTOR: What is? CRAIG: Aliens in Colchester? Aliens twice in my life, happening to me just when you turn up. DOCTOR: This is not my fault, Craig. ALFIE starts fussing. CRAIG: Shh, shh. Look what you've done! (comforts ALFIE) DOCTOR: It's his nappy, he's mentioned it twice. CRAIG: I don't speak baby, do I? DOCTOR: There's a changing station over by electrical goods. CRAIG: And of course, you'd know that. Come on, Alfie. (heads off) VAL sees what's happening while with a customer. DOCTOR: Craig it's a coincidence. It happens, it's what the universe does for... The DOCTOR turns around and sees AMY and RORY shopping-RORY carrying many bags. A GIRL comes up to AMY. GIRL: Can I have your autograph please? AMY: Yeah. Sure. (takes the girl's notepad) DOCTOR: ..fun. AMY: What's your name? GIRL: Ellie. AMY: (signs autograph) I like your hairband. ELLIE: Thank you. The DOCTOR opens his mouth as if to call AMY. Instead, he backs away and ducks behind a rack of clothes. RORY: All right? AMY: There you go. (hands ELLIE her pad) ELLIE: Thank you. AMY and RORY leave. ELLIE points out AMY to her mother and then points in the DOCTOR'S direction. The DOCTOR questioningly points at himself before turning around. Behind him on the wall is a promotional ad bearing AMY'S face. It is for a perfume named Petrichor "For The Girl Who's Tired of Waiting". DOCTOR: (smiles) Amelia Pond. INT. STORE, PERFUME COUNTER, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CRAIG hide as GEORGE walks by on patrol. The DOCTOR is holding the net. DOCTOR: OK, sshh. The DOCTOR and CRAIG get up as soon as GEORGE passes by. The DOCTOR starts scanning with the sonic. DOCTOR: Right. Let's be having you then, Cybermat. ALFIE starts crying. CRAIG: Can't you put that on quiet? DOCTOR: No! It's a sonic screwdriver. Sonic equals sound! (takes an item out from his coat) Take this. I got it on my discount, 10% off. It's a papoose. (drapes it on CRAIG) CRAIG: Why do I need a papoose? DOCTOR: Alfie wants to attach you to him. You're far too slow when he summons you. CRAIG: When's he going to stop giving me marks? DOCTOR: Never. That's parenthood. Couldn't you have got a babysitter? (ALFIE vocalizes) No, any babysitter...doesn't have to be a hot one. CRAIG: I told everyone I know I didn't need their help this weekend, they won't answer my calls. I didn't know there was going to be an invasion of Cyberman. (ALFIE fusses) Sshh. INT. STORE, BASEMENT, NIGHT GEORGE is checking the fusebox. He taps one of the fluorescent lights and it comes on momentarily. He uses his torch to check the corridor. INT. STORE, PERFUME COUNTER, NIGHT The DOCTOR and CRAIG try to quiet ALFIE. DOCTOR: It's OK. As CRAIG picks up ALFIE, the DOCTOR sees the cybermat and lunges, catching it in the net. DOCTOR: Ha-ha! (whispers) That's very odd. It must be on low power. Or I'm better at that than I remember. The DOCTOR picks up the cybermat and stands, showing CRAIG. CRAIG: Oh, is that it? DOCTOR: Yeah. CRAIG: Oh, it's quiet cute look at that. Look, Alfie, look. The cybermat opens its mouth showing two rows of sharp teeth. CRAIG screams and the DOCTOR uses the sonic on it. INT. STORE, BASEMENT, NIGHT GEORGE walks down one of the corridors but stops when he hears a clanking sound. As he turns, behind him we see the silhouette of a Cyberman. INT. STORE, PERFUME COUNTER, NIGHT CRAIG is panicking. CRAIG: Metal rat. Real mouth! Metal rat, Real mouth, metal rat, real mouth! DOCTOR: Stop screaming. STOP SCREAMING! Sshh! They hear a scream. DOCTOR: Come on! The DOCTOR runs off and CRAIG follows, putting ALFIE in the papoose as he does so. INT. STORE, BASEMENT, NIGHT The DOCTOR searches the corridors using the sonic's "torch" setting. DOCTOR: George! (spots GEORGE'S torch on the floor and then sees GEORGE'S body) George... As the DOCTOR bends over to examine GEORGE, a Cyberman comes out of the doorway and knocks him to the ground with its arm. He blacks out. He comes too with CRAIG looking down at him. CRAIG: Doctor! Doctor! What happened? DOCTOR: Oh, I've been chipped, chapped... Chopped! (CRAIG helps him stand) The Cyberman... it killed George, took him back to the ship. CRAIG: The Cybermen are here! But you said. DOCTOR: (stumbles) Yeah, I know what I said, I say a lot of things! (scans with sonic) But I fused the teleport it should have taken them days to repair. CRAIG: Are you OK? DOCTOR: I should be dead...but the arm it chopped me with, it was damaged, old spare parts. Must have changed those missing people. CRAIG: They changed the missing into Cybermen? Why didn't they change you? DOCTOR: Long story. I'm not exactly compatible. But why are they using spare parts, why? Everything I find out makes less sense! CRAIG: Doctor, listen to me. If the Cybermen are here, then we're not safe, we've got to go. We've got to go back to base. DOCTOR: We've got a base? When did we get a base? INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT The DOCTOR is playing mad scientist mixing up something on the table. Resting next to him is the cybermat. CRAIG: I'm going down the shops, we're out of milk. You know what to do if he cries. (tosses intercom at the DOCTOR) DOCTOR: No! CRAIG: (from hallway) Me neither. ALFIE starts crying. INT. OWENS HOUSE, ALFIE'S ROOM, NIGHT Above ALFIE'S crib is a soft mobile of the moon and stars. As it turns, it plays music and projects stars onto the ceiling. The DOCTOR steps cautiously into the room. DOCTOR: Hello, Stormageddon. It's the Doctor. Here to help. The DOCTOR picks up a small stuffed bunny and tries to get the baby's attention. DOCTOR: Shhh. There, there. Be quiet. Go to sleep. Really, stop crying. (ALFIE looks at him) You've got a lot to look forward to, you know. A normal human life on Earth. Mortgage repayments, the nine to five, a persistent nagging sense of spiritual emptiness. Save the tears for later, boyo. Oh, no! (rubs forehead) That was crabby. No, that was old! But I am old, Stormy. I am so old. So near the end. INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT On the kitchen table, the cybermat switches back on. INT. OWENS HOUSE, ALFIE'S ROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR picks up ALFIE. DOCTOR: You, Alfie Owens, you are so young, aren't you? And, you know, right now, everything's ahead of you. You could be anything. Yes, I know. You could walk among the stars. They don't actually look like that, you know, they are rather more impressive. The DOCTOR uses the sonic and the projection becomes more realistic of space. DOCTOR: Yeah! You know, when I was little like you, I dreamt of the stars. I think it's fair to say, in the language of your age, that I lived my dream. I owned the stage, gave it a 110%. I hope you have as much fun as I did, Alfie. (kisses ALFIE'S head) INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT The cybermat is no longer on the table, but scooting across the floor. INT. OWENS HOUSE, ALFIE'S ROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: Your dad's trying his best, you know. Yes, I know. It's not his fault he doesn't have mammary glands. No, but neither do I! Alfie, why is there a sinister beeping coming from behind me? The DOCTOR turns around slowly and sees the cybermat at the doorway, chomping its mouth. DOCTOR: Oh, no you don't. (uses the sonic) Come on, Alfie. Run! It's only stunned! INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT The DOCTOR hurries down the stairs and through the kitchen to the door. DOCTOR: It's going to be OK. Good, Alfie. We're going to go outside. Don't worry about it. The DOCTOR opens the door but drops the sonic. The door locks behind him. INT. OWENS HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT CRAIG returns home. CRAIG: I'm back! CRAIG sets down his mobile and keys. The mobile buzzes. EXT. OWENS HOUSE, BACK GARDEN, NIGHT The DOCTOR is on his mobile. DOCTOR: Come on, Craig, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up! INT. OWENS HOUSE, NIGHT CRAIG checks the rooms for the DOCTOR. CRAIG: Doctor? Doctor? INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT CRAIG goes into the kitchen and puts away the milk. As he turns around, the cybermat attacks, flying for his throat. The power of the attack knocks CRAIG to the floor, but he is able to hold back the gnashing teeth EXT. OWENS HOUSE, BACK GARDEN, NIGHT The DOCTOR is on his mobile. DOCTOR: Craig, don't worry, Alfie is fine, but on no account enter the house. CRAIG: (inside) Doctor! The DOCTOR turns around and sees CRAIG fighting the cybermat. DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! CRAIG: (inside) Help me! The DOCTOR places ALFIE in his swing and kisses his head. He then spits on his hands, rubs them together and jumps through the glass door. INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, NIGHT CRAIG is sill holding the cybermat away from his neck. CRAIG: Where's Alfie?! Where's Alfie?! DOCTOR: He's safe, he's safe! (gets the sonic) CRAIG: Get it off me! DOCTOR: I have to find the right frequency, shut it down! CRAIG: Kill it! DOCTOR: (groans) All right, all right, all right! MOVE! The DOCTOR picks up a pot from the table and hits the cybermat, sending it skidding across the floor. CRAIG gets up but the cybermat is now at the DOCTOR'S throat. DOCTOR: Ow! Baking tray, Craig, baking tray! With timing, the DOCTOR throws it to the floor just as CRAIG covers it and holds it down with a baking tray. The DOCTOR gets up. DOCTOR: Hold it down! CRAIG: Get on with it! DOCTOR: Ah, it must be shielded from metastatic energy! Of course! CRAIG: Yeah, of course! DOCTOR: Don't worry, I have an app for that. Stand back. Stand back! CRAIG moves back and the DOCTOR fires at the cybermat, "killing" it. DOCTOR: Success! That was amazing, you must be really, really strong. That thing should have had you easy. CRAIG: Is it definitely dead? DOCTOR: Inactive, yes. Technically never been alive. It was (air quotes) playing possum before, to take us by surprise. Bravo. (claps) CRAIG: Whoo! (closes eyes and breathes deep) Alfie! (rushes outside) INT. OWENS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR is sitting on the couch working on the cybermat, using a loupe. CRAIG is holding ALFIE. CRAIG: I'm knackered. That thing was eating up the electricity. DOCTOR: And transmitting it up to the Cybership. But why? Why do they need power, why are those conversions not complete yet, and what are they doing up there? CRAIG: You said you were going to look at its brain. DOCTOR: I had to wipe its brain. Now I can reprogram it, use it as a weapon against them. CRAIG: (sits on the couch) The Cybermat came after us? DOCTOR: No, after me. CRAIG: They sent it after us? DOCTOR: After me. Because of me, you and Alfie nearly died. (takes the loupe from his eye) Do you still feel safe with me, Craig? CRAIG: You can't help who your mates are. DOCTOR: No! I am a stupid and selfish man. Always have been. I should have made you go, I should never have come here. CRAIG: What would have happened if you hadn't come? Who else knows about Cybermen and teleports? DOCTOR: I put people in danger. CRAIG: Stop beating yourself up! If it wasn't for you this whole planet would be an absolute ruin. DOCTOR: (puts down cybermat) Craig, very soon I won't be here... my time is running out. I don't mean Exedor. Silence will fall when the question is asked. Don't even know what the question is. Always knew I'd die still asking. Thing is, Craig, it's tomorrow. Can't put it off any more. Tomorrow is the day I... The DOCTOR looks over to see CRAIG and ALFIE both asleep. He smiles wistfully and sighs. He then stands and covers them with a blanket. EXT. OWENS HOUSE, DAY The DOCTOR closes the door gently behind him. He's holding the cybermat and a remote control. DOCTOR: Safe mode. Clever me. Come along, Bitey. (pets the cybermat as he leaves) INT. OWENS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY CRAIG wakes with the sun in his eyes. SOPHIE is on the answer phone. SOPHIE: 'So I'll be back about ten, cos Melina's totally gone off on one, she's going to kill David Jenkins. 'I'm stupid to worry, I can't wait to get home to my special boys!' CRAIG stands and notices that the cybermat is missing. CRAIG: Oh, no, no, no! Doctor? INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY CRAIG goes looking for the DOCTOR SOPHIE: 'Love you. Alfie, love you, Craig!' The DOCTOR left a note in silver ink on blue paper on the fridge. It reads: Dear Craig, Gone to stop Cybermen. Sorry. Goodbye. The Doctor. CRAIG: You idiot! INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, DAY The DOCTOR hurries in, looking around. VAL arrives. VAL: Morning! DOCTOR: Morning. Teleport's still fused. (walks with VAL) They didn't repair it. So the Cyberman last night, how did it get down here, how did it get out? And why, why, am I asking you? VAL: You found the silver rat! DOCTOR: But where are the silver men? INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY CRAIG has changed and has dressed ALFIE for outside. He puts the baby into the papoose. CRAIG: Sorry, Alfie, I can't leave you here on your own. There's something up with the Doctor, and we owe him. I wouldn't have you or Mummy if it wasn't for him! He needs someone. He always needs someone and he just can't admit it. I promise nothing's going to happen to you! (kisses him on the cheek) All right, come on, here we go. (leaves) INT. STORE, LADIES CHANGING ROOMS, DAY The DOCTOR runs his theory past the cybermat. DOCTOR: Secondary teleport. No, there is no other teleport, they must have had a back-up system, something complicated, something powerful, something shielded. Something like... a door. A door! (goes into last room) A disillium-bonded steel door disguised as a wall! That is cheating! The full length mirror swings out on hinges revealing a roughly carved tunnel. DOCTOR: So... it didn't teleport down. It climbed up. INT. TUNNEL, DAY The DOCTOR walks slowly and scans with the sonic. He then slides down and into a large cavern where the damaged cyber-ship was hidden. INT. CYBERSHIP, DAY The DOCTOR explores the ship and soon finds the conversion room. DOCTOR: (whistles) Well, well, well. You have been busy. INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, DAY CRAIG rushes in. CRAIG: Doctor! Doctor! VAL: Another row? He went in the changing rooms, something about silver men. CRAIG: Oh, God, no. Val, I need you too look after Alfie for me, OK? (takes off papoose) Please look after him, the Doctor needs me. (hands ALFIE to VAL and runs off) CRAIG: Don't follow me! VAL: I wasn't intending to. INT. CYBERSHIP, DAY Partially buried in dirt on the floor, the DOCTOR finds GEORGE'S nametag. A CYBERMAN marches up behind him. CYBERMAN: You have come to us. DOCTOR: Took me a while, alot on my mind. (stands and turns around) Let's see, this ship crashed here centuries ago, no survivors, but the systems are dormant waiting for power. And then the council stick a load of new cables right on top of you. Bitey wakes up and channels the power, you start crewing up from the shop as best you can, not enough power, not enough parts. CYBERMAN: When we are ready we will emerge. We will convert this planet to Cyberform. DOCTOR: What, the six of you? CYBERMAN: You know that is enough. You know us. You are the Doctor. DOCTOR: Correct. And the Doctor always gives you a choice. Deactivate yourself, or I deactivate you. The DOCTOR aims the sonic at it and the CYBERMAN takes a step back. Another CYBERMAN enters behind him. INT. STORE, LADIES CHANGING ROOMS, DAY CRAIG runs through the rooms. CRAIG: Doctor? Doctor? Craig sees the entrance to the tunnel. Looking around, he grabs a handheld UPC scanner before entering the tunnel. INT. CYBERSHIP, DAY The DOCTOR cries out as one of the CYBERMEN grabs him and holds his arms behind his back. The cybermat falls to the ground. CYBERMAN 1: He must be the new leader. CYBERMAN 2: No. He is not like us. Brain and binary vascular system incompatible. CRAIG watches from the other room. CYBERMAN 2: They will be discarded. Other body parts may be of use. CRAIG: (brandishes scanner like a gun) Oi, Cybermen! Get off my planet, or I activate this. DOCTOR: Craig, stop this, get out! CRAIG: It's like you said, Doctor, got to believe you can do it! CYBERMAN 2: You located us? CRAIG: Teleport in the lift, bit rubbish. That little Cybermat never stood a chance. See what you're dealing with? CYBERMAN 2: You are compatible. You are intelligent. The CYBERMAN touches his hand to his chest panel and then shoots electricity at CRAIG, forcing him to drop the scanner. Another CYBERMAN grabs him and pulls him forward. CRAIG: No, I'm not intelligent, you don't want me. CYBERMAN 2: Do not fear. We will take your fear from you. You will be like us. You will be more than us. CYBERMAN 2 moves to one of the conversion chambers and opens it. CRAIG: No, no, no, no. CYBERMAN 2: Your designation is Cyber Controller. You will lead us, we will conquer this world. The CYBERMEN begin to force CRAIG into the chamber. CRAIG: Doctor! DOCTOR: Craig! CRAIG: Do something! Please! Different parts clamp down on CRAIG'S arms and legs. CRAIG: DOCTOR! DOCTOR: Craig, don't worry. I've reprogrammed the Cybermat, it'll drain their power! The DOCTOR pulls the remote from his pocket. The cybermat scuttles across the floor until CYBERMAN 2 steps on it. CYBERMAN 2: You have failed, Doctor. Begin conversion! Phase one. Cleanse the brain of emotions. DOCTOR: No! Craig! Fight it! They can't convert you if you fight back! You're strong, don't give in to it! CRAIG: Help me! DOCTOR: Think of Sophie, think of Alfie, don't let them take it all away! CRAIG: Make it stop. Please make it stop! DOCTOR: Please, listen to me! I believe in you, I believe you can do this! I've always believed in all of you, all my life! I'm going die, Craig. Tomorrow, I'm going to die, but I don't mind if you just prove me right! CRAIG! The headpiece closes around CRAIG, seamlessly welding shut down the middle. CYBERMAN 2: Begin full conversion. The DOCTOR watches in agony as we hear the whir of machinery. INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, DAY VAL tries to comfort a crying ALFIE. VAL: Don't worry, It's just a little light going out. INT. CYBERSHIP, DAY A monitor comes to life with security footage from the store of VAL and ALFIE. CYBERMAN 1: Unknown soundwave detected. CYBERMAN 2: It is the sound of fear. It is irrelevant. We will remove all fear. DOCTOR: Alfie! I'm so sorry! Alfie, please stop! I can't help him. CYBERMAN 1: Emotions eradicated conversion complete. CRAIG'S fingers twitch. An alarm sounds. CYBERMAN 2: Alert. Emotional subsystems rebooting. This is impossible. Energy crackles around the headpiece. DOCTOR: He can hear him. He can hear Alfie! Oh, please, just give me this! Craig, you wanted a chance to prove you're a dad. You're never going to get better one than this! A crack appears down the center of the headpiece. CYBERMAN 2: What is happening? DOCTOR: What's happening, you metal moron? A baby is crying. And you better watch out, cos guess what? Ha! Daddy's coming home! The headpiece opens. CRAIG: Alfie! CRAIG begins the fight the machine and it starts to overload. CRAIG: Alfie, I'm here! I'm coming for you! The CYBERMEN stagger from the emotional onslaught. DOCTOR: Yes, Craig! The machine starts to release CRAIG. The DOCTOR pulls free of the CYBERMAN holding him. CRAIG: Alfie! DOCTOR: Alfie needs you! CYBERMAN 2: Emergency. Emotional influx! DOCTOR: (helps CRAIG) You've triggered a feedback loop into their emotional inhibitors. All that stuff they cut out of themselves, now they're feeling it! Which means a very big explosion! CYBERMAN 2: Overload, overload, overload. The DOCTOR and CRAIG run to the doors. CRAIG: Get this open, we need to get to Alfie! DOCTOR: They've sealed the ship! The head of one of the CYBERMEN explodes. CRAIG: We've got to get out of here! DOCTOR: I know! Two more CYBERMEN lose their heads. DOCTOR: The teleport! As another CYBERMAN'S head explodes, the DOCTOR and CRAIG run to the teleport. The DOCTOR activates it remotely with the sonic as they cling to each other. INT. CAVERN, DAY The Cybership explodes. INT. STORE, LIFT, DAY The DOCTOR and CRAIG are hugging each other tightly. They pull apart when the lift bell rings. CRAIG rushes out. INT. STORE, LADIES DEPARTMENT, DAY CRAIG runs into the department. VAL: How did you get in there? CRAIG: Alfie! VAL: Here's your daddy. As VAL gives ALFIE back to CRAIG, the DOCTOR runs up. DOCTOR: That was another review. Ten out of ten. CRAIG: The Cybermen... they blew up. I blew them up with love! (hugs ALFIE) DOCTOR: No, that's impossible, and also grossly sentimental and over simplistic. You destroyed them because of the deeply ingrained hereditary human trait to protect one's own genes which in turn triggered a... uh... Yeah. Love. You blew them up with love. LATER... The DOCTOR is explaining things to KELLY. DOCTOR: The building should be totally safe, structurally, and of course the bonded disillium contained the explosion. KELLY: Right. Why you telling me all this? DOCTOR: I don't know. Ssh. CRAIG comes to VAL'S counter wearing a new shirt. VAL: It suits you. CRAIG: Thanks. VAL: Discount applies to partners. CRAIG: Great. VAL: Are you two married then? CRAIG: Nah, we talked about it, but it's just a piece of paper, isn't it? The DOCTOR walks over and puts an arm around CRAIG'S shoulders. DOCTOR: Thank you for your help, Val. Good noticing. Keep 'em peeled. VAL: I will. I'm glad you two made up for baby's sake. DOCTOR: Ah! CRAIG: How d'you mean? VAL: It's nice for baby to have two daddies who love each other. CRAIG: Wait... hang on a sec! Two daddies? Both the DOCTOR and CRAIG start making faces and shaking their heads. CRAIG: You think I'm...? VAL: His companion. CRAIG: (laughs and turns around) Doctor? The DOCTOR is gone. VAL: Oh! Now where's he rushed off to? CRAIG: (softly) He's gone. INT. OWENS HOUSE, DAY CRAIG enters the house and slowly looks around. The house has been cleaned and there are fresh cut flowers on the coffee table. CRAIG: Who's tidied all this up? INT. OWENS HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY CRAIG enters the kitchen to see it cleaned and the table is even set. The DOCTOR enters through the newly-repaired door. DOCTOR: See, I do come back. CRAIG: How did you...? DOCTOR: Time machine! But even with time travel, getting glaziers on a Sunday, tricky. CRAIG: You went back in time? That means you used up your hours. What about Exedor? DOCTOR: What about you being in trouble with Sophie when she comes back? I couldn't let that happen. CRAIG: You used up your time for me? DOCTOR: Course I did. You're me mate. I notice Stormageddon's very quiet and happy. He prefers the name Alfie now. And he's very proud of his dad. CRAIG: He calls me dad? DOCTOR: Yes, of course he does now! Yeah, I know, he's a bit thick, isn't he? CRAIG: Shut up, you two! DOCTOR: Well... Now it's time. I have to go. CRAIG: Doctor, I know that something's wrong, I can help you. DOCTOR: Nobody can help me. I hope Sophie won't mind, I need these. (holds up blue envelopes) CRAIG: Where are you going to go? DOCTOR: America. CRAIG: Sophie will be home any second, are you sure? DOCTOR: I can't miss this appointment, Craig. Goodbye, mate. CRAIG: Wait there. One second. CRAIG leaves the room and the DOCTOR opens the fridge and looks inside, making a face. CRAIG returns with a Stetson. CRAIG: From Sean's stag. (puts it on the DOCTOR'S head) DOCTOR: Wow. CRAIG: You ride 'em, pardner. DOCTOR: Oh, thanks. The DOCTOR snaps his fingers on both hands then points them like guns at CRAIG before heading for the back door. CRAIG: Bye. There's a knock at the front door and CRAIG looks to the front and then back again. CRAIG: Doctor, that will be Sophie arriv... The DOCTOR is gone, the back door open. INT. OWENS HOUSE, FRONT HALL, DAY There's another knock on the door and CRAIG opens it. It's SOPHIE. SOPHIE: Hello! Hello! I forgot my keys! (steps inside) CRAIG: Oh, I've missed you so much.(hugs and kisses her) SOPHIE: Missed you too, both of you. (stands back) Are you wearing a papoose? CRAIG: Yeah. (closes door) INT. OWENS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, DAY SOPHIE enters and is shocked. SOPHIE: Oh, my God, the place is spotless! Has anything happened? You look different. CRAIG: Nothing happened! Nothing weird. SOPHIE: Look at you two, thick as thieves. Who's Daddy's little boy then? ALFIE: Doctor. SOPHIE: What?! Craig? EXT. OWENS HOUSE, DAY The DOCTOR walks down the street towards the TARDIS. There are three children-a boy and two girls-playing in the cross-street. The DOCTOR stops just in front TARDIS door. DOCTOR: Well then, old girl. (he licks his thumb and wipes off a spot) One last trip, eh? He turns to look at the children who stop playing and walk towards him. DOCTOR: Hey. I'm the Doctor. I was here to help. And you are very, very welcome. (puts his hand to his hat) GIRL 1: (V.O.) 'It was funny. He seemed so happy but so sad at the same time.' BOY: (V.O.) 'I was just a kid, I thought maybe he was a cowboy on his way to a gunfight.' GIRL 2: (V.O.) 'I really liked his hat.' INT. LUNA UNIVERSITY RIVER is reading eyewitness accounts from the three children. She then opens her diary to an entry that reads: 22/04/11, 5:02 PM, Lake Silencio" KOVARIAN: (V.O.) Tick, tock, goes the clock. And what now shall we play? RIVER looks about the room but sees no one. KOVARIAN: (V.O.) Tick, tock, goes the clock. Now summer's gone away. RIVER: Hello? KOVARIAN: (appears from the shadows) Such a lovely old song. But is it about him? RIVER: You know about the Doctor? KOVARIAN: So very well. RIVER stands. KOVARIAN: Oh, don't try and remember me. We have been far too thorough with your dear little head. Two of the SILENCE walk up behind RIVER. She sees them and is startled. RIVER: What are they? What are those things? KOVARIAN: (reads RIVER'S diary) Your owners. RIVER turns back. RIVER: My what? KOVARIAN: So they made you a doctor today, did they? Doctor River Song. How clever you are. You understand what this is, don't you? (points at the entry) RIVER: According to some accounts it's the day the Doctor dies. KOVARIAN: By Silencio Lake on the Plain of Sighs an impossible astronaut will rise from the deep and strike the Time Lord dead. RIVER: (sits) It's a story. KOVARIAN: And this is where it begins. KOVARIAN looks to the door and two soldiers enter carrying the astronaut suit. KOVARIAN: You never really escaped us, Melody Pond. We were always coming for you. The soldiers set down the helmet and suit and grab RIVER by the arms. RIVER: How do you know who I am? (struggles) KOVARIAN: I made you what you are. The woman who kills the Doctor. RIVER: No, no, no...! (sedated) Urgh! RIVER falls into the chair and pants heavily. KOVARIAN: Tick, tock, goes the clock and all the years they fly. RIVER'S vision gets blurry and the voices are muffled. KOVARIAN: Tick, tock, and all too soon your love will surely die. INT. LAKE SILENCIO RIVER slowly opens her eyes and she is in the astronaut suit underwater. We then hear the rhyme sung by a small girl. "Tick tock goes the clock He cradled her and he rocked her Tick tock goes the clock Till River kills the Doctor..."
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[Salvatore's House] (Elena and Stefan are training) Stefan: And? Elena: That did nothing for me. How was it for you? Stefan: Again. Good. Now, focus on letting it go Elena: Or we could skip the sublimating part and you can tell me where she is so that I can rip her head off Stefan: I don't know where Katherine is and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you Elena: Stefan, you're the one who told me to channel all of my emotions into one single feeling. Stefan: I realize that. I just figured it would be love, or hope, or compassion. Not unwavering hatred for a ruthless vampire that's 500 years older than you. Give me 50 pull-ups Elena: You wanted to kill Klaus when you got your emotions back Stefan: I know and I couldn't Elena: You don't think I can kill Katherine? Stefan: I don't think you really want to Elena: Maybe you're right. Maybe I just want to feel the warmth of her chest cavity as I rip out her heart and watch her face as she realizes I took it from her. Nah, I just want to kill her. It's that simple. I'm gonna go shower [Mystic Grill] (Rebekah is at the bar with Matt) Rebekah: So, let me get this straight. You send out a notice of your impending graduation, and people feel obliged to give you money? Matt: Pretty much Rebekah: Sounds brilliant. Why aren't you participating? Matt: I don't have a whole lot of family Rebekah: Well, that makes two of us. Besides, I don't think it was my mother's dream to see me in a cap and gown. How about your mom? Matt: Let's just say I'm not holding my breath for a graduation check (Caroline and Elena are sitting on a table outside) Caroline: Stamp, please. Thank you Elena: You don't have to pretend to be nice to me, Caroline. I know this is just a ploy to keep me distracted Caroline: You're done? I'm only on my second batch Elena: We have family friends in Denver. Other than that, no one cares that I'm graduating. And to be honest, neither do I Caroline: You know, that's how you feel now, but once you get through this hating Katherine phase... Elena: Wait. Do you know where Katherine is? Caroline: No. Why would I know where she is? Elena: Yeah, but Caroline, if you did, you would tell me, right? Caroline: Elena, you're obsessing Elena: Caroline, listen to me. If you know where Katherine is, you have to tell me Caroline: I don't. Elena... Chill. [The Woods] (Bonnie and Katherine are in the woods) Katherine: Hello! Could you be any creepier? Why are we here? Bonnie: You want me to make you truly immortal so that nothing can kill you. To do that, I need to talk to Qetsiyah, which means I need to lower the veil to the other side Katherine: That still doesn't explain why you made me trudge through mud in $500 boots Bonnie: A few miles that way, 12 hybrids were killed at the Lockwood cellar. And a few Miles that way, 12 humans died at the Young farm. And this is the site where 12 witches were killed Katherine: 13 if you don't get to the point Bonnie: It's the expression triangle. I need to charge all 3 points and channel the mystical energy from Silas's tombstone. Once that happens, I can drop the veil inside the 3 points and just long enough to get what I need Katherine: And what exactly do you need? Bonnie: Silas has done nothing but torment my friends. Now he wants to unleash hell on earth. He's evil. In 2,000 years, only one person has been able to put him down Katherine: Let me guess. Qetsiyah Bonnie: If I can contact her, I can ask her how to do it. Now hand me the rock Katherine: You're gonna flood Mystic Falls with dead, supernatural creatures so that you can ask a 2,000-year-old witch not one but two favors? Ha! I think I'll take my business elsewhere (She can't leave) Katherine: What the hell? Bonnie: I linked us. Which means you're stuck with me for the day. Silas can be anyone. If he gets in your head and figures out I don't need a full moon to do the spell, it's over. Now, about that tombstone [Mystic Falls' Hospital] (Stefan rejoins Damon) Damon: You just missed the donuts Stefan: Yeah, I was with Elena burning off a few thousand hate-filled calories. What happened to you helping me? Damon: Help? Yes. Prolonging the inevitable, waste of my time Stefan: Hmm. You're avoiding. How unexpected Damon: I'm not avoiding. Elena's only goal is to end Katherine's life, and that's not gonna just magically disappear with Pilates and a juice cleanse (Liz rejoins them) Liz: Hey, guys. Thanks for coming Damon: Hey. Why were we invited? Liz: Well, the hospital has kept the blood banks empty ever since they were raided last month. We thought at the very least, it would help keep the vampire population away Stefan: And it didn't? Liz: See for yourself (They go to a room) Liz: There were 4 other victims in this wing. Each one almost completely drained of blood. You think it's Silas? Damon: Or a doctor with some very questionable bedside manner Liz: But 5 victims? It's a lot of blood and it's not like he can take it with him Stefan: Unless he's fueling up for something big Liz: Big? Any details would be helpful, considering I'm dealing with 5 grieving families out there and a psychic killer on the loose Damon: Silas wants Bonnie to do a spell to drop the veil from the other side Liz: I have no idea what that means Damon: It's an invisible wall that separates our plane from the plane of all dead supernatural creatures. Now, Silas wants that to go away so he can take the cure, die, and not have to spend an eternity in a supernatural purgatory Liz: And when do you suppose Silas plans on doing this? Damon: Next full moon. Tomorrow night [Old Lockwood Cellar] (Bonnie and Katherine arrive) Katherine: Ugh. That old Lockwood cellar reeks of wet dog. I'll be staying up here Bonnie: You obviously don't know how this works (They enter) Katherine: You realize I'm not just some wandering child in a supermarket, right? I'm a vampire that can kill you Bonnie: Whatever happens to me happens to you. Do you really think I want you here? Katherine: And what is here? Oh. Right. 12 dead hybrids. This should be good [Mystic Grill] (Caroline, Rebekah and Matt are at the bar) Caroline: Is it supposed to rain tonight? Rebekah: Do I look like a meteorologist? (They look at Elena) Caroline: Someone needs to do something, before she explodes Rebekah: I got this (She rejoins Elena) Rebekah: Drink. You're putting everyone on edge. So. What's the deal? I'm new to this whole emotional switch situation Elena: It's not complicated. See that dart board? All I can picture is Katherine's face Rebekah: So, your emotions are on, they're just dialed to rage Elena: Look, Rebekah, I get that we had our Thelma and Louise thing back when I had my humanity off, but let me make one thing clear... We're not friends (Caroline rejoins them) Caroline: What about us? Are we still friends? All those things you said when your humanity was off, is that how you really feel? Elena: Caroline, I really don't feel like going down memory lane Caroline: Well, what about when you said, and I quote, "you're a repulsive, blood-sucking, control freak monster"? Did you really mean those things? Elena: If you're waiting for an apology, you're not gonna get one. I can't let myself feel bad, because if I feel bad, then I feel everything, and... We've all seen how well I handle that (The power's out. They go outside) Rebekah: The power's completely out Caroline: I'll call my mom! Maybe she knows what's going on [The Young Farm] Bonnie: 12 humans burned to death here. They died in vain for Silas Katherine: What did you do? Bonnie: I linked the final hot spot. It's time to drop the veil [Mystic Falls' Hospital] (Damon, Liz and Stefan are looking at a map) Liz: The power outages originated at 3 different places in town... the Young farm, the Lockwood estate, and a blown transformer off old Miller Road Stefan: These are the locations of the Silas massacres. It's the expression triangnle. Bonnie must be doing the spell Damon: So much for needing a full moon Liz: I know something else. One of the power company guys has a daughter who goes to school with Bonnie. He saw her leaving the Young farm an hour ago with Elena Stefan: But Caroline's with Elena Damon: Looks like Bonnie Bennett has a new doppelganger friend Liz: So, how do we find them? Stefan: Well, they must be somewhere in the triangle. My guess is right in the middle Damon: And where exactly might that be? [Mystic Falls' High School] (Damon and Stefan arrive. Elena rejoins them) Stefan: Where's Caroline? Elena: Inside looking for Bonnie. I think we should split up. Damon and I can look outside while you and Caroline look inside Stefan: All right. Let me know if you find anything (He leaves) Damon: Someone's an eager beaver Elena: Where's Katherine? Damon: Now I get it. One brother shoots you down, you ask the other one. Great Elena: You know, don't you? Damon: Do you not notice all the end of the world crap going on right now? Elena: Tell me that you don't want her dead. After everything that she did to you. Stringing you along for hundreds of years Damon: Elena, we don't need to list all the reasons that I hate Katherine. What we need to do is find Bonnie. Come on Elena: I don't care about Bonnie. I care about killing Katherine Damon: They're together. Ok? So maybe you should do a little less threatening and a little more looking. Come on (Stefan rejoins Caroline in the cafeteria) Stefan: Hey. There you are. Any luck? Caroline: I searched the whole school. She should be here (They hear a noise) Caroline: What was that? (They go in the cold room) Stefan: Hmm. Ice is melting Caroline: It just doesn't make any sense. This is the center of the triangle. If she's gonna do the spell, she has to do it here. This is where they should be Stefan: Actually, I think we're in the right place. Just the wrong elevation (Bonnie and Katherine are in the caves below the school) Bonnie: Ok. This is the center of the triangle. I'm ready. Now give me the tombstone Katherine: The fact that this spell hinges on some crappy hunk of blood-rock does little to inspire my confidence Bonnie: It's filled with the calcified blood of Qetsiyah, one of the strongest witches in the world (Damon is on the phone with Stefan) Damon: If I remember correctly, I think there's an entrance in the basement Stefan: Where's the basement? Elena: Off the boiler room Damon: You hear that? I'll meet you there (He hangs up and looks at Elena) Damon: You're gonna have to stay here Elena: Are you kidding me? Damon: We really need to stop Bonnie from doing this spell, and if you get all murderous and screw it up... Elena: Is that really the reason? Damon: As self-righteous as Stefan is, he has a point. Behind your rage, there is a tidal wave of feelings. All of your guilt, all your grief. Every emotion you've ever put off. And killing Katherine's gonna let it all in, and if you can't handle it, then we're back to square one Elena: And if I can? What if killing Katherine takes away all that grief and guilt? What if killing Katherine finally lets me feel all the good things that I've lost? Damon, help me. As soon as I get over this hurdle, I'll be me. I'll be able to think clearly. I'll be myself and everything will go back to normal Damon: She's strong. And crafty. And you'll die Elena: Then at least I'll die trying (Bonnie is doing the spell) Katherine: What is happening? Bonnie: I'm channeling the expression triangle. It's done. The veil is down (Damon Is lying on the ground. Alaric appears) Alaric: Need a hand? Damon: So, this is either really good or really bad Alaric: It's good to see you, too, Damon Damon: I'd say the feeling was mutual, except a lot of people aren't exactly who they say they are around here Alaric: You think I'm Silas? Are you kidding me? Damon: Uhh. See, this puts us in a bit of a pickle, 'cause that is exactly what Silas would say Alaric: Now, would Silas know about locker 42? (Damon embraces him) Damon: Hang on. If I can see you, and I can touch you that means the little witch did it. She dropped the veil Alaric: Well, not completely. It's only down inside the expression triangle. If I step outside of it, it's back to ghost world Damon: Where's everybody? I figure with the veil down, it'd be like ghost-a-palooza Alaric: Not every ghost has a reason to come back to Mystic Falls. Just the ones like me, looking out for their idiot best friends Damon: I'm more worried about the ones looking out for their enemies [Mystic Grill] (Matt and Rebekah are alone) Matt: This wind is weird. One minute it was blowing like a hurricane. Now nothing, not even a breeze Rebekah: Looks like something wicked finally came Matt: You know, you don't have to be here. I mean, technically, one of us is getting paid Rebekah: But it's fun. And kind of cozy. With the storm outside and the candlelight. And us (Someone enters) Rebekah: Oh, my God. Kol Kol: Greetings from the dead. So, who fancies a drink? Rebekah: I thought I'd never see you again Kol: Spare me the waterworks, sister. I've already watched you grieve. Lasted a full 24 hours, remember? Matt: I'm assuming this means Bonnie dropped the veil Kol: Not completely, and not for long. But who am I to give up an opportunity for revenge? My killer's already dead, but his sister's just as culpable. So maybe you could help me find her Matt: If you hurt Elena... Kol: Oh... I'm going to. But please, continue. I'm curious as to where you're going with this Rebekah: You've made your point, Kol. Leave Kol: First tell me where I can find Elena Rebekah: She left here hours ago. We don't know where she is. Now get out Kol: I see you finally got the quarterback to pay attention to you. How's the throwing arm, champ? [Mystic Falls' High School] (Katherine and Bonnie are still in the caves) Katherine: Tick tock, Bonnie Bonnie: Stop talking. I can't reach out to Qetsiyah with you breaking my concentration every 5 seconds Katherine: Bonnie. Did you hear that? Someone's coming Bonnie: Will you be quiet? Katherine: I have vampire hearing, Bonnie, and there's someone here. Unlink me so that I can go stall them while we wait for Qetsiyah to show up Bonnie: I'm not letting you go Katherine: Then at least give me some slack Bonnie: Fine. Go. Stop them (Katherine is in the tunnels) Katherine: Silas? Come and get me (Elena arrives) Elena: Hello, Katherine Katherine: I let you out of your cage and this is how you thank me? Elena: No. This is how I thank you (Bonnie is screaming. Stefan and Caroline enter) Stefan: Bonnie. Bonnie, what happened? Bonnie: Katherine. Find Katherine. We're linked Caroline: Then unlink her. You go. I'll stay with Bonnie (Elena is still fighting with Katherine) Elena: You have done nothing but suck the happiness out of my life. Uhh. Well, now I get to kill you Katherine: No, wait, please Elena: Good-bye, Katherine (Stefan intervenes) Elena: Stefan! Katherine: Thanks for the save, handsome Stefan: Get the hell out of here before I kill you myself Katherine: Really? I'm your biggest problem right now? [SCENE_BREAK] [Mystic Grill] (Rebekah is taking care of Matt) Rebekah: You know, I could just cure this for you easily, right? Matt: I'll be fine Rebekah: Why won't you ever let me help you? Matt: It's not you, it's... Look, people in this town have a bad habit of turning into vampires and I'd like to graduate High School as a human. I think there's a first aid kit in the back Rebekah: Ok (She goes in the back and finds Caroline) Rebekah: Caroline, how are you still here... Oh my god Caroline: I have to keep cutting [Mystic Falls' High School] (Caroline is with Bonnie) Caroline: Bonnie, are you ok? Bonnie: Yeah, now that I unlinked her Caroline: What are you doing down here? Bonnie: Waiting for Qetsiyah Caroline: You might be waiting a while. Qetsiyah's not coming, Bonnie Bonnie: But... I saw Caroline. How? I thought you couldn't get inside my head Silas: That's what I wanted you to think. I can make you see whatever I want you to see. Am I a disfigured monster? Of course not. A monster is what I wanted you to see. That's the beauty of all this. You have no idea who I am. Or what I look like. Or how deep I am inside of your head. You thought that you were more powerful than me? I'm stronger than you can imagine. I defeated the hunter's curse in minutes. You thought that you could betray me. You can't. I will always be one step ahead (Stefan is still with Elena) Elena: How could you save her? She was as good as dead Stefan: Yeah, and so was Bonnie. Bonnie used a spell to link herself to Katherine, so if you killed her, Bonnie would be dead, too Elena: How do you know that? Stefan: Because I saw her, Elena. You almost killed your best friend Elena: I don't believe you Stefan: Really? Elena: You never wanted me to kill Katherine. Why are you protecting her, Stefan? Stefan: Listen to yourself. Your rage is making you crazy Elena: Do you still have feelings for her? Stefan: This isn't even about Katherine. This is about Jeremy. What, you think that killing her will take all that pain away? It won't Elena: Oh, but beating up cinder blocks will? Stefan: No. It's a distraction. Just like killing Katherine, just like turning your emotions off. The truth is, there are no shortcuts. You are a vampire, Elena. Loss is part of the deal. Look, I've been alive for 163 years. I have lost more loved ones than I can count and it hurts me every single time Elena: So, there's no hope. You're saying I'm hopeless Stefan: No. I'm saying you have to face your grief. But you don't have to do it alone. I can help you Elena: Oh, of course you can. God, Stefan, always trying to help and your concern for me is just like... Stefan: You're transferring some rage on me. That's good Elena: I don't need to transfer anything. I can hate two people just fine Stefan: Elena... Elena: Just like the cinder block. Nothing [Mystic Grill] (Rebekah is trying to help Caroline) Rebekah: Caroline, hey. Snap out of it Caroline: I need to bleed. Silas wants me to bleed Rebekah: Stop it. You're hallucinating Caroline: Just let me do this. I need to do this Rebekah: You're going to cut your hand's off (Matt is on the phone with Damon) Matt: She's been here the whole time. That means Silas is with you Damon: Perfect Matt: Yeah, it gets worse. The veil's down. Kol came by looking for Elena. Seemed a little pissed Damon: Do you have any good news for me, Donovan? Matt: We'll handle this. .Just watch your back [Mystic Falls' High School] (Damon is with Alaric) Damon: Call Stefan. Tell him about Caroline. Tell him to keep an eye on Elena. God knows he'll do a better job than me Alaric: Stefan? Isn't she your girlfriend? Damon: Who knows? I know she was sired to me. I know her emotions were off. I know she's so full of rage she wants to rip Katherine's head off... Alaric: But you have no idea how she feels about you and now you're freaking out Damon: Call Stefan [Mystic Grill] Matt: Have you tried compelling her? Rebekah: I can't. She's on vervain Caroline: Let me go! Rebekah: Look, Caroline, you're graduating and Uncle Bob and Aunt Mary really want you to graduate with both your hands Caroline: I need to keep cutting. I need to keep cutting. I need to keep cutting Rebekah: Stop! Caroline: Bitch! Rebekah: That is the Caroline I know and loathe [Mystic Falls' High School] Bonnie: Stay away from me Caroline/Silas: Gladly. Once you finish the spell. Then when the veil is dropped completely, I can take the cure. I just want to pass on, Bonnie. I'll even let you kill me. I'll be out of your life for good Bonnie: But every dead supernatural creature will be roaming the earth Caroline/Silas: Well, if you don't help me, I'll be roaming the earth Bonnie: I was never gonna drop the veil Caroline/Silas: I'm curious. What was your plan? Pow-wow with Qetsiyah? Brainstorm ways to put me down? Qetsiyah's not coming. She wants me on the other side with her. For eternity Damon: Bonnie? Bonnie? Caroline/Silas: That sounds familiar (He takes Alaric's appearance) Alaric/Silas: Maybe Damon will convince you Bonnie: I won't let you... Caroline/Silas: You won't let me what? You feel that, Bonnie? The air. Thinning. Barely enough to breathe [Mystic Falls' Cemetery] (Elena goes to Jeremy's grave) Elena: '"Brother and friend"? What genius came up with that one? I give up, Jer. I really wanted to kill her for you, but... There's no point. Stefan's right. It's just a distraction. And... I can't. I can't do this. I can't... I can't move on, and I don't want to. If that makes me weak, then fine, I'm weak. But I can't handle you... I can't handle you being gone... And I can't handle feeling like this anymore (Kol arrives) Kol: Hello, old friend. Pity about your brother. Guess it's just me against you now [Mystic Falls' High School] (Bonnie can't barely breathe. Sheila appears) Sheila: Bonnie. This isn't real, Bonnie. Feel the air in your lungs. Break through Bonnie: Silas? Sheila: Would Silas try and save your life? Now, breathe, child. There Bonnie: I was so worried about you Sheila: I know but I'm okay. I've been watching over you Bonnie: I messed up. I'm sorry Sheila: You can still stop Silas Bonnie: No, I can't. Qetsiyah was able to immobilize him so he couldn't feed and get into people's heads. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to put him down Sheila: You can do that. Expression is the manifestation of your will. You can do anything. I don't like it, but sometimes, there are no choices. But you are strong enough. You can do this (Damon is in the caves and stumbles upon Alaric) Alaric: Whoa. It's just me. I called Stefan. He's heading for Elena. Did you find Silas? Damon: Yup Alaric: Oh! Damon, it's me! Damon: No, you're not. I've spent more time in these tunnels than I care to admit and there's no way you just came from the school. Your mind games don't work on me, Silas (Bonnie arrives) Bonnie: I may not be able to kill you, but I will stop you. I will make the blood clot in your veins. I will make every bone, muscle, and joint in your body turn to stone Damon: What the hell is happening? Bonnie: He can't hide behind his mind control anymore. He's becoming his true self Damon: Who exactly might his true self be? Bonnie: I guess we'll never know [Mystic Falls' Cemetery] (Kol and Elena are fighting) Kol: Now, this is what I've missed. Two people connecting. It's lonely on the other side. I swear, being invisible will drive you mad. The way you couldn't see me standing in front of you, or feel my breath on your cheek as I whispered all the ways that I wished for you to suffer. But at least, now you can Elena: Go ahead, Kol. Kill me. You'll be doing me a favor Kol: As you wish, darling (Jeremy appears) Jeremy: How many times do I need to kill you? Kol: Jeremy Gilbert. You're back. Now, what's the saying? Kill me once, shame on you, kill me twice, shame on... (Stefan intervenes and breaks his neck) Stefan: Let's leave it at that, shall we? (Jeremy rushes toward Elena) Jeremy: Elena?! Elena? Elena: Jeremy [The Woods] (Damon and Stefan are with Bonnie) Bonnie: You need to get rid of Silas's body Damon: Well, there's a slight problem, Medusa. Even though you turned him into stone, if he gets one more drop of blood, he's back to his old mind tricks Stefan: All right. So, let's do what we should've done to Klaus. Let's drop his body in the middle of the ocean (Elena and Jeremy rejoin them) Elena: Bonnie... I don't know what to say Bonnie: You don't have to say anything Elena: I was so horrible to you Bonnie: You weren't you. I know what that's like. I wasn't me for a long time. We can talk about that later. You got some catching up to do Jeremy: thank you Bonnie Bonnie: I'll give you guys as much time as I can... But I have to go put the veil back up Stefan: I should make sure Kol's body is somewhere safe until the veil goes back up Elena: Stefan... Stefan: Welcome back (He leaves. She looks at Damon) Elena: There isn't enough time Damon: It'll never be enough time Elena: Damon, I'm sorry Damon: Stop. The most important thing right now is Jeremy. And saying good-bye [Mystic Grill] (Stefan enters. Caroline's here) Caroline: Good. You're here. We need to celebrate Stefan: Yeah, I'm not really in the mood to... celebrate Caroline: What's wrong with you? Silas is dead, or whatever, and you're just sitting here like a bump on a log Stefan: There was someone that I thought I would see today, and... I didn't. That's all (Lexi enters) Lexi: You better mean me Stefan: You've got to be kidding me (She looks at Caroline) Lexi: Thank you for keeping an eye on this one [The Woods] (Damon puts Silas in the trunk) Damon: Calcified Silas is a heavy son of a bitch Alaric: Can't think of a more appropriate way to spent my last moments as a semi-living person Damon: Oh, I'm sorry. You have someplace better to be? Alaric: Guess not Damon: Thought you were cutting back Alaric: Yeah, well... I thought you were gonna take care of the children Damon: You heard that? That's not creepy Alaric: I... Found this in the dead guy's pocket. Thought it might do more use here than, say, 3 miles below sea level Damon: What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Alaric: Get the girl [A street] (Stefan and Lexi are walking) Lexi: She punched you in the face? Stefan: Yep Lexi: Ha ha ha! Take a hint Stefan: So, you've been back what, 5 minutes, and you're already laughing at me? Lexi: No. I've been laughing at you for a while. You just haven't been able to see me Stefan: Do you have any idea how much I missed you? Lexi: Trust me. I do. Although I see I've been replaced by another blonde Stefan: What'd you give me that look for? Lexi: She's cute Stefan: Do not start [Mystic Falls' High School] (Bonnie is back in the cave with Sheila) Sheila: You have to put up the veil Bonnie: Not yet Sheila: What are you doing, Bonnie? Bonnie: I can bring Jeremy back. I can keep him here Sheila: No, you can't Bonnie: Elena needs him. This was always the plan. Jeremy wasn't supposed to die Sheila: It was the will of nature. There is no magic in this world that is strong enough to challenge it Bonnie: I have every magic. I have the spirits (She casts a spell) Sheila: stop it! Bonnie: I have expression Sheila: Stop it, Bonnie Bonnie: And I have the darkness Sheila: Bonnie, stop (Bonnie continues to cast the spell) [Mystic Grill] (Matt and Rebekah are outside) Matt: In case Caroline didn't thank you for pulling her out of that hallucination earlier... Thanks Rebekah: I'm just glad I got a chance to knock her upside the face (She sees someone) Rebekah: Oh, my god Matt: Who the hell is that? Rebekah: That is my ex-boyfriend Alexander. He's a vampire hunter. Thank God. The power's coming back. Maybe that means the veil's almost up and he'll disappear again Matt: Or not Rebekah: We should get out of here (They turn themselves. Connor and Vaughn are here) Connor: You should Vaughn: Too bad you can't [Mystic Falls' High School] (Bonnie wakes up. Sheila is here) Sheila: I'm sorry, Bonnie. The spell. It was just too much Bonnie: Oh, my God. I'm dead Ecrit par popo34000
doc_90
"Wipe Out" 29th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 2ADA07 [SCENE_BREAK] (Episode begins with a tour bus heading towards Roswell) (At the Evans household, Diane Evans is trying out her cooking skills) Diane: It's a frijoles frittata. Martha Stewart serves it to her guests in the Hamptons. So. Um...Phillip! It's gonna get cold! Get in here! Max: Who needs a nice big glass of juice? Isabel: I'll get it. Max: I warned you about getting her a subscription to that magazine. How long are you gonna keep avoiding me? Isabel: I'm not avoiding you. We destroyed a race of people. I'm just trying to get past it. Juice? Max: You sure there's nothin' else? Isabel: I'm sure. Thanks. (The tour bus keeps heading closer to Roswell) (Kyle and Sheriff Valenti are fishing. Kyle appears to have caught a fish) Kyle: Dad. Dad. There. Sheriff: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Kyle: Ohhh... Sheriff: Ok. Take it easy. Take...whoa, whoa. Kyle: It's, like, gonna break this thing. Sheriff: Just bring it in closer. Kyle: Ok, I'm tryin'. I'm tryin'. But I need your help. It's like... Sheriff: All right, a little closer. Kyle: There we go. There we go. There we go. (Sheriff Valenti gets the fish off of the hook) Sheriff: Whoo-hoo! Oh, man! Heh heh heh hoo! Kyle: Ok, look out. Sheriff: Whoa! The bagley bang-o-lure does it every time. Here you go. Get a good grip. Kyle: Whoa! Sheriff: We'll be eatin' like kings tonight. Kyle: That's gorgeous. That's beautiful! Sheriff: Ho! Ha ha! (Kyle releases the fish back into the stream) Kyle: Go, buddy. (Sheriff Valenti is dumbfounded by what Kyle just did. He was looking forward to eating that fish) Kyle: It's the circle, dad. The circle of life. (Switch to Liz and Maria in Maria's Jetta) Liz: Would you step on it, please? My dad is gonna implode if we don't get this thing back by the lunch rush. Maria: It's your first day back in uniform. We have one break in an 8 hour shift, and the man sends us 30 miles out of town on an errand. Liz: Well, he let us stay on the clock. Maria: I'm sorry, Liz. I love your father dearly. I do. But this is totally Kathie Lee. (We see a billboard sign for the UFO center. It's been defaced, with a glowing green rod stuck through it. A green pulse from the rod is shot at Roswell) (Back in Evans household, Mrs. Evans asks Max about Liz while everyone tries out her cooking) Diane: Max, how's that cute Liz Parker, honey? She hasn't called here in awhile. Max: Could I please have some more fritatta? Diane: Oh, sure, honey! I'm so glad you like it! (Diane Evans goes to get another serving of fritatta for Max, when the plate that she was carrying drops to the floor. She's disappeared) Isabel: Mom? (Liz and Maria, who were outside of Roswell when the green pulse went off, arrive in town to find cars stopped in the middle of the road) Maria: Why are all these cars stopped? Liz: What's going on? Maria, w-what's going on--Maria! (Maria swerves into a baby stroller) Maria: Oh, God! I didn't see it! It was just...it was just there, and I was going too fast. (Liz and Maria check the stroller, but there isn't any baby in it. Liz looks around and notices a lawn mower going around in circles without a driver) Liz: What? What?! Oh, my gosh, look! Maria: What?! Liz: Where is everybody? (The bus arrives in Roswell. Tourists start stepping out, including Nicholas. It's apparent now that the bus is full of skins) Skin Tour Guide: Welcome to Roswell, New Mexico, folks...UFO capital of the world and last stop on our tour. Everyone, remember their sunscreen while you're out and about. Skin Tourist: Thank you. Nicholas: Let's find some aliens. (Opening credits) (We see Sheriff Valenti and Kyle driving back to Roswell. They stop at a billboard of the UFO Center that has been defaced) Sheriff (on radio): Deputy Hanson, we've got some property defacement up by the Chaparral Turnout. I need you to rustle up a ladder and, uh, take care of it. Sheriff: You could've told me you didn't want to go fishing. Kyle: No, I did. I wanted to fish. I just...it's just now I enjoy it from a different perspective. Sheriff: Different seems to be the story of your life these days. The guys don't come over to watch games anymore. You hang wind chimes in my backyard, burn compost sticks in the kitchen. Sheriff (on radio): Hanson! Kyle: It's called ylang-ylang, and it opens the mind. Sheriff: You know what? If you laid off the mumbo jumbo, you might get a date every once in awhile. Sheriff (on radio): Hanson! Kyle: Any other areas where'd you like to point out my incompetency, dad, or is the list complete at fishing and dating? Sheriff (on radio): Hanson, if I get back to the station and find you sipping a damn frappuccino... Sheriff: My one day off! (Sheriff gets in his car and starts driving into Roswell) (Meanwhile, at the Evans household, Isabel has searched upstairs and can't find either of her parents) Isabel: I can't find dad. Max? Max! Max! (Max opens the door and enters) Isabel: Where were you? Max: The neighbor's house is empty, too. Isabel: What's happening? Max: I don't know. (Isabel grabs the phone and calls someone) Isabel: Oh, come on. Come on. (No one answers. Isabel slams the phone) Isabel: No! Mom and dad are missing! They're gone. Oh, God. Are we the only ones left? (At Michael's apartment, Courtney has successfully changed into the new husk in the bath tub) Michael: You put the husk on? Courtney: The fit is ok. Michael: Feels like real skin. Courtney: For now. The husk wasn't fully mature, and I don't know how long it's gonna hold up. You saved my life...by stealing this. Michael: Well, you saved ours in Copper Summit. (The telephone rings) Michael: Here's a towel, and here's a robe. Michael (on phone): Yeah? Max: It's me. Meet us at the Crashdown right away. (Scene shifts to the streets of Roswell. Maria and Liz are investigating) Maria: Look. Look, look. It's still warm. Maria/Liz: Ahh! Maria: Ok, let's just go back to the car, ok? Liz: Ok! Maria: Ok. (Liz and Maria head back to the car. Liz finds a piece of skin on the ground) Liz: Wait! This is not good. (At the Crashdown, Max, Michael, Isabel, and Courtney are searching around) Max: No one's back there, either. Isabel: Everyone's gone. Michael: Every human. Whoever's doing this is trying to single us out. (Liz and Maria arrive at the Crashdown) Courtney: Well, there goes that theory. Maria: Michael! Liz: Max, what...what happened? We...we just got back from Dexter. Max: Our parents disappeared. It seems like the whole town is gone. All the humans, at least. Liz: Well, why not us? Isabel: I'm sorry. Liz: What is going on here? Everyone's gone? They're gone, like dead? Max: We don't know that. (Maria calls Alex) Maria: Pick up the phone, Alex. Max: All we can do right now is focus on the fact that we have each other. (Maria finds a CD on the counter) Maria: Alex's band just burned a new CD, and he couldn't wait to show me. Isabel: First thing we need to do is figure out who did this. Liz: We know who did this. The skins. Maria: Yeah. We found one of those snake skin things off of Elm street. Courtney: Nicholas. Isabel: This is our fault. Tess: No. It's her's. You led the skins straight to Roswell, Courtney! Michael: She's with us, Tess. Tess: What did your people do to the town? Courtney: They're not my people. Max: Stop pointing fingers. We're the ones who destroyed their harvest. They're here to settle the score with all of us. (Isabel has been looking out the window. He sees people approaching) Isabel: Into the bathroom. They're coming. Now. (Nicholas and Ida enter) Isabel: There's two of them...Nicholas and Ida. Hide us. Nicholas: Check in the back. (Nicholas walks to where the bathroom door was) Maria: Oh, please don't let me die like elvis. (Nicholas walks over to the wall and taps on the mirror that Tess has created in his mind to replace the bathroom door) Nicholas: Mom?! Ida: Don't pick. There's nobody back there or upstairs, sir. Nicholas: Look in the mirror. You're shedding. Ida: Ohh...it's the heat. Why couldn't those brats be from Seattle? Nicholas: Let's get you back to the moisture chamber. This haphazard searching is going nowhere. Ida: What's plan "B"? Nicholas: We'll search the town...street by street, building by building, inch by inch. I'm not stopping til we find them. (Nicholas and Ida leave. Everyone comes out of the bathroom. Tess weakly stumbles to the counter) Tess: I've never come up against power like that before. It feels like...someone took a sledgehammer to my head. (Liz leaves through the door to the kitchen. Max notices her and follows) Max: I'll be right back. (Max finds Liz in her room) Liz: My mom always listened to Elvis Costello on laundry day. I am so scared. Max: What happened to your family...to all the humans...it's our fault. Liz: We haven't lost them yet. We have to stay strong. Max: Yeah. (Max sees Liz's bed and the images from the other night return) Max: I should get back down. Isabel: Max! (Max and Liz rush downstairs. Courtney is on the floor. Her skin is very wrinkled) Isabel: She just collapsed. Michael: Max, you gotta help her. Max: Let's get her upstairs. (Everyone helps Courtney to the bathroom) Maria: Um...ok, maybe we should take her clothes off? Liz: Got her? (Isabel shuts the door on the guys) Liz: Ok. Isabel: What now? Liz: Um...you know, from what...from what she said, the husk is starving. It's looking at her thighs like they're 2 canned hams. Courtney: I heard that, you bitch. (Liz and Tess help Courtney into the tub) Liz: Uhh! Isabel: Well...what if we tempt it with food from...from outside the membrane...sort of like an all-you-can-eat buffet or something? Liz: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's worth a try. We need, like, some vitamins and minerals and...and nutrients. Maria: Ok. We've got ginko, bee pollen, echinacea, C, D, E, calcium, St. John's wort, and Pamprin. What? I was dating Michael Guerin. (Outside, Michael and Max are scouting with Liz's telescope) Max: Main street looks clear. I just wish I knew where they were hiding. Michael: You think she'll be ok? Max: I don't know. You and Courtney have gotten close. Michael: Yeah. Max: How's Maria feel about that? Michael: Why do you care? You've never been interested in my social circles before. Max: You were never sleeping with the enemy before. Michael: And I'm not now. Max: Then why was she at your apartment this morning? Michael: 'Cause she wanted to show me how the husk fit. That's it. Max: Good. Michael: Let me take a look. (Back in Liz's bathroom, Courtney seems to have recovered from the nutrient bath) Tess: Pretty quick recovery, don't you think? This "I've fallen and can't get up" routine seems a little too convenient. I think it's time for a Q&A. What exactly did the skins do? Courtney: I don't know. (Tess pulls the drain plug and the nutrient bath starts to go down the drain) Courtney: No. Isabel: What happened to our families? Courtney: Time exists in multiple subset dimensions on our planet. Nicholas must have a technology to impose one or more of these here. Isabel: Speak English. Courtney: It's like being on Pacific and Eastern and Central and Mountain time all at once. Human bodies can't function. They simply disappear. Liz: To where? Where are our parents, our friends...Alex? Where is everyone? Are they dead? Wha... Maria: Water's getting low. Courtney: Somewhere! Another dimension, another plane of existence! I don't know where! They seem to have just...shifted. Maria: Well, can we get 'em back? Courtney: I don't know. Please. (Tess replaces the drain plug) Isabel: Why haven't Liz and Maria disappeared? Courtney: I don't...I don't know. Maria: We were out of town this morning. Thank God. Courtney: It probably bought you some time. Maria: Ok. So, what did she mean by "buy us some time"? Liz: Don't worry about it. She said we slipped through a window. We'll be fine. (A skin sees them and goes after Liz and Maria) Liz: Oh. Maria: Run! Liz: Come on! Go! Go! Go! (Maria climbs through the counter window. Liz tries to follow but the skin grabs her feet) Maria: Go, go, go, go, go, go! Liz: Maria! (Maria pulls on Liz's hands, while the skin pulls on her feet) Maria: Go! Go! Go! Liz: Maria! Aah! (Sheriff Valenti appears and shoots the skin in the back) Skin: Unhh! Liz: Oh. Careful, Sheriff! He's a skin! Skin: Yaahh! (The skin knocks the Sheriff to the ground and makes a quick escape) Liz: Oh, my...oh... Kyle: Dad! Dad, you ok? You ok? You all right? Sheriff: Ohh! (A few moments later, in the Crashdown) Max: If guns don't work, how do we kill them? Courtney: Take the heaviest thing that you can find...and smash this as hard as you can. It breaks the seal in the husk...permanently. Isabel: What about Nicholas? What can he do? Courtney: All the things you can...times a thousand. But the thing you should be the most afraid of...is this. (Courtney points to her head) Courtney: He can get inside of your head and take anything that he wants. Basically, he rapes you of your memories and your thoughts. Sheriff: We've gotta get everybody to a safer location. Max: The UFO center. It's a former bomb shelter. There are no windows and fewer ways in and out. After we get everyone situated, you, me, Michael, Isabel, and Tess will start picking them off one by one. Kyle: What about me? Max: You're not someone I trust. Let's move. (Everyone is in an alley across from the UFO Center) Max: There's not much cover, so we should split up into groups. Sheriff: Good idea. Max: You ok? Sheriff: Yeah. Michael, Kyle, take Courtney. You guys go first. Max: When you're in, we'll send the next bunch. Sheriff: All right, go. [SCENE_BREAK] (Michael, Kyle, and Courtney make it to the UFO Center. Michael opens the door with his power) Sheriff: I'll take Tess, Liz, and Maria. You two OK bringin' up the rear? (Max nods) Sheriff: Ready? Tess: Ok. (Sheriff Valenti, Liz, and Tess move) Max: We're gonna be ok. Isabel: Max, if I ask you to do something, will you just do it, no questions asked? (Max nods) Isabel: You go. Make sure everyone else is safe. I'm gonna find Nicholas. Max: No. Isabel: Max...you don't understand. He's after me. Max: Why, Isabel? What really happened in Arizona? We're stronger together than we are apart. Isabel: You're right. I'm sorry. Max: Don't worry about it. I'm gonna make sure it's safe. And then we're up. Ok. The coast is clear. You go ahead, and I'll follow you. Ready? (Max turns around to find that Isabel has slipped away. He goes to look for her) (Isabel walks around and finds the tour bus. Someone is playing with a remote-controlled car. As Isabel walks up to the bus, the car runs into her) Nicholas: Boo. (Inside the UFO Center) Michael: I brought you some water if you want. We're gonna pull together the ingredients for another bath. Ok? Courtney: It won't work. It's...I'm dying. Michael: No. No. No, that's not an option. Ok, there's...there's gotta be something that we can do. Courtney, what? Courtney: You won't want to do it. Michael: Just say it. What is it? Courtney: The granilith. (Inside Brody's office) Kyle: I can't call out of town. Liz: Kyle. Kyle. Um, do you see this jump on the graph? There was some sort of, like, electric disturbance that leveled off here. Kyle: When? Liz: Um...10:30 this morning. Kyle: Right about when everyone went poof. Liz: Kyle, if the energy field was turned on... Kyle: Maybe it can be turned off. Liz: Exactly. I mean, we just need to find the source. If we can shut it off, maybe we can bring everyone back. (Sheriff Valenti enters) Sheriff: Liz...will you excuse us for a second? Kyle: Don't worry, dad. I'm stayin' out of everyone's way. Sheriff: Kyle...do you remember what you did the night after your mom left? Kyle: I lent you Mr. Squishels. Sheriff: You were worried about me, and you didn't want me sleeping alone, so you did instead. That was a brave thing for a 6-year-old to do, and I was...and I was proud of you. Kyle: Mm-hmm. Sheriff: I remember the first time you tied your own shoes...and when we, uh...we took the training wheels off of your bike. Kyle: Ok, pop, knock it off. (Sheriff stumbles) Sheriff: I... Kyle: You...dad. You all right? Sheriff: I'm in awe of you every day, son. And I apologize for not recognizing the man that you're becoming...because you're a darn...you're a darn good one. (Sheriff Valenti disappears in front of Kyle's eyes) Kyle: No! Dad! (Max arrives at the UFO Center) Tess: Did you find her? Max: Where's Michael? Tess: He's in the back. (Maris paces around. She walks by an exhibit with a mannequin in a window. She turns around and walks back and notices the mannequin is missing now. A skin steps out and blasts Maria with an energy blast) Maria: Tess! (Tess sneaks behind the skin and kicks its seal self-destruct button) Tess: They found a way in. We've gotta go. Max: All right. We'll head for the school. It's our turf. Get your dad. Kyle: I can't. He disappeared right in front of me. Liz: You know, the skins' time dimension must be catching up with those of us that are... Maria: Human. Who's next? (Kyle sees a UFO Center postcard and recognizes the sign in it. It's the one he and his dad saw earlier that was defaced) Kyle: That time field is coming from the billboard out by Chaparral Turnout. My dad spotted a green rod stuck through it this morning. We thought it was a prank. I'm heading out there. Max: No. We stick together. Kyle: Hey, I've been really nice about following your orders, Senor Presidente, but if I can do something to help bring some people back or ensure that Liz, Maria, and I live to see another day, I'm gonna do it. Max: Kyle. Look...take Bradford Alley all the way out of town. It's a straight shot. You can't get boxed in. Kyle: Thanks. Max: Good luck...to all of you. Kyle: I'll take care of her. (Kyle leaves and Liz follows him after staring at Max for a brief moment) Maria: Um...I know how you hate when things get all goopy, so... Michael: Yeah. So I'll see you soon. Maria: Yeah. Michael: No. I will. (Maria leaves) Max: Ok. It's the four of us on foot. If we stick to the side streets, we can... Tess: What's wrong? Max: Where's Courtney? (Inside the skins' bus, Isabel is handcuffed to the railing) Isabel: Uh... Nicholas: I knew it was only a matter of time before you rejoined our side, Vilandra. Ida: Tryin' to ambush my baby. I should pull out your filthy eyes and grind 'em into dust. Isabel: I came to make a deal. Nicholas: And what could you possibly have to offer us? Isabel: Me. Nicholas: You always were a flighty little princess. Jewels before studies. That's our Vilandra. We have you, you beautiful moron. Isabel: I think you're the one who doesn't understand. Nicholas: Leave us. Ida: You can't possibly think that this woman... Nicholas: Do you really want to finish that sentence? Leave. Now. Ida: All right. (Ida leaves) Nicholas: Go ahead. Isabel: The last time we were together, you awakened something in me. I remembered things from our past. You and me. Nicholas: Our forbidden meetings. Isabel: I came here for you. I know what's hiding behind that husk. (Nicholas motions with his hand and the handcuffs disappear) (Isabel acts like she's going to kiss Nicholas, but at the last instant, she pushes him to the ground. She reaches for his fanny pack when Ida comes in and knocks Isabel out) Isabel: Uhh! Nicholas: Mom, what are you doing?! Ida: Saving you, sir! Nicholas: She was no threat! Damn it, now she's no good at all! I'm sick of this! Ida: What do you want to do now? Nicholas: Kill every last one of 'em. (Liz, Maria, and Kyle are on their way to the billboard) Maria: If we get out of this... Kyle: When we get out of this... Maria: Things are gonna change for me. I'm gonna start spending more time with my mother. I'm gonna...I'm gonna write more to my grandmother. I mean, these are the people who gave me life, you know? Liz: No! I can't leave it like this! Maria: Excuse me? Liz: Max. No, I walked out on him without explaining what happened between you and me. Maria: Huh? Liz: I didn't even say good-bye! Kyle: Look, you've got a job to do. Max has got a job to do. When everybody's done with their job, you can make nice. Liz: He'll never know! Kyle: He's Max. He'll always know. Right? (Liz disappears) Maria: Liz? Ohhh... (Maria and Kyle arrives at the billboard) Maria: Not Liz. I need Liz. Kyle: Maria, Maria, look, look, look, look. She's coming back. They all are. All right. Now, Liz said something about generators and electric fields. Maria: So how does electricity work? Kyle: Why are you lookin' at me? We were both in the same remedial science class for 3 years. Maria: Basically, we have to...um, blow its fuse, right? Kyle: That means we mess with the current. Do you have jumper cables? Maria: Yeah. (A skin appears) Kyle: Buddha, forgive me, but I'm gonna kick your ass! (The skin rushes Kyle and he flips him over. Kyle goes to the car to the get "the club". He knocks the skin with it and then knocks the seal self-destruct button) Kyle: Maria... (Kyle disappears) (Back in town, Nicholas finds Courtney who's lying on the ground) Nicholas: When my soldiers told me what they had found, I had to see for myself. What's the matter, Courtney? Too weak to run? Courtney: Leave me alone. Nicholas: You always were the social butterfly, Courtney. Always the first to make new friends. But what I want to know is...where are yours hiding? Courtney: I think I see a chest hair, Nicholas. Way to go. Nicholas: Fine. We'll do this the hard way. (Nicholas grabs Courtney's head and starts draining her mind) Courtney: Ohh! Ohhh! Nicholas: Let's see...you had scrambled eggs for breakfast. Then you slipped into that husk that punk stole from us. Courtney: No! No. Nicholas: Boring. Boring. Boring. Aha! (Nicholas sees an image of Max through his mind drain) Max: All right, we'll head for the school. It's our turf. (End flashback) Nicholas: School? On a Saturday? What a drag. Courtney: I hope they kill you. Nicholas: You've become awfully chummy with them, haven't you? Courtney? Are you hiding something else? You are. You have a secret. What do you know? Courtney: Ohhh! (Nicholas grabs her head again and sees another image) Michael: If anything happens to me, Max, or Tess, I want you to be able to save yourself. Now, if I tell you where the granilith is, do you swear never to tell anyone? Courtney: I swear. (End flashback) Nicholas: The granilith! That's a bonus! I hope he gave you detailed directions. (Courtney reaches behind to her back and presses the husk un-sealing button. She disintegrates) Nicholas: Now, that's a soldier. (At school, Max asks Michael where Courtney went) Max: You sure you don't know where Courtney went? Michael: Your guess is as good as mine. Tess: I've got one. She and Nicholas are probably laughing at how gullible we are. Max: Isabel. Isabel. Nicholas: Ahem! (Max, Michael, and Tess look around. They're surrounded by skins) (Back at the billboard, Maria grabs some jumper cables and starts to set them up) (Max, Isabel, Tess, and Michael are tied up to pillars. Nicholas walks up to Max) Nicholas: What happened to you, guy? You used to determine the fate of entire armies with the flip of a coin. Luckily for me, you continue to put your faith in the wrong people. Does this scene feel familiar, Vilandra? And your trusted second...the boy who spilled the secret of the granilith to one of our exiled members. Rule number one of war: keep your big mouth shut. Courtney knew that. That's why she killed herself before I could get its exact location. By the way, love the hair. Hope you win. There's one more thing I need to know before we can all call it a day. Where's the granilith? Max: I'm not telling you. Nicholas: Oh...you will. (Nicholas motions with his hand and Michael, Isabel, and Tess start screaming in pain) Michael: Aah! Isabel: Aah! Tess: Aah! Max: Wait! I'll take you there! Just you and me. This has nothing to do with them. Isabel: Max, don't. Nicholas: This is too easy. In the old days, I would've been no match for you. But...now... (Nicholas grabs Max's head and starts draining his memory) Max: Nyggggg...unhh! Ohhh...uhh! Nicholas: Either way, you're going to die, Max. So why don't you just make this easy on yourself? Max: Uhhh! Uhhh! Uhhh! (Max focuses and repels Nicholas' mind drain) (Back at the billboard) Maria: Keep it together, De Luca. (Back at school) Nicholas: Ready to tell me now? (Maria hooks the cable clamps to each other and places it on top of the green pulsating tube. She disappears shortly afterward. The cables destroy the tube and Roswell glows green again as the effects of the tube are reversed) (Tess screams shrilly and then gathers her power. A raging fire starts to build behind her and she releases it into the group of skins, vaporizing them) Tess: What...what just happened? Max: You saved us. Tess: Ohhh... Max: Vilandra? (The pod squad looks around and see the the janitor) (Back at the Crashdown, all the humans have returned. Alex is eating at the counter) Alex: Hey, these are freezin'! Sheriff: Alex. Alex: Mornin', Sheriff. Uh, skip the pancakes. Sheriff: Yeah? Hey, kiddo. How's it goin'? Alex: Good. You? Sheriff: Good. Alex: Great. (At the Evans household, Diane Evans is washing dishes when Isabel rushes in) Isabel: Mom! Diane: Ohh! How hard can it be to sit down to one breakfast? But, no...everybody has to go running. Isabel, why can't we just be like a normal family? (Isabel hugs her tightly) Diane: Oh! Sweetie, I'm drippin' water all over the floor here. Isabel: I'll get it later. (Switch to Liz, Maria, and Kyle by the blown up billboard. They jump around hugging each other) (Max and Tess are walking through a park, discussing what happened) Tess: I just wanted to scare them with a mind warp. I thought if they saw fire...it was awful, Max. I lost control. Tapped into...something completely different. Max: You think you could do it again? Tess: I don't want to. (Suddenly, a little boy who looks a lot like Nicholas bumps into Tess while riding a scooter. The episode ends with Max and Tess staring after the boy as he rides away)
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[ The apartment ] Sheldon: What color would you like to be? Leonard: Well, I'd like to be green, but you know you always take it. Sheldon: That's not true. Any color's fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow. Leonard: Blue and yellow make green. Sheldon: Well, then it's settled. Penny: Hi. Ready to go? Sheldon: Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk. Amy: Sheldon, we said that we would play games with you tonight. Sheldon: Oh, no, we'll still be playing it tonight, this game can easily take eight hours. Penny: Sweetie, you really thought I'd want to do this? Leonard: No. Penny: Well, did you tell him that? Leonard: Yes. Penny: Did you say it out loud with words? Leonard: No. Penny: I don't want to spend the whole day playing a board game. Sheldon: Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories. Amy: I will literally race you to the car. Leonard: No, no, no, come on, don't leave. Just try it. Penny: No. We're always doing what you guys want. Just once, it'd be nice if you did something we wanted. Sheldon: You want to be green? Leonard: You know, they really have tried to like a lot of the same stuff we're into. Penny: Yeah, we do game nights and video game nights and we watch movies with director's commentary. Amy: Oh, my favorite, George Lucas can talk all the way through Star Wars, I say one word and I'm banished to the kitchen. Penny: Yeah, today Amy and I are deciding what we're all gonna do. Leonard: You got it, you girls are in charge. Penny: Thank you. Amy: Sheldon? Sheldon: Fine. Now that we're not playing, you can be green. Leonard: Thank you. Sheldon: And since you're green this time, I can be it next time. Penny: All right, let's see. What's something fun the guys would never take us to do? Oh, I know, we could go horseback riding. Amy: I actually can't. My hips don't open wider than 22 degrees. I rode a very thin pony once. On the first bump, just popped right off. Penny: All right, well, what do you want to do? Amy: There's a craft and folk art museum on Wilshire. Penny: Well, that's Wilshire's problem. Come on, you know, there, there's got to be something fun we could do that the guys will hate. Leonard: Hang on, why do we have to hate it? Penny: Three words, Doctor Who convention. Leonard: I did not force you to go to that. Penny: You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie. I went so you didn't get beat up. Leonard: I wasn't gonna get beat up. Penny: You were, but somehow I held myself back. Sheldon: You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard's asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni. Leonard: Now you're helping them find ways to make us miserable? Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, Leonard, I'm a problem-solver, it's what I do. Amy: I actually can't go ice-skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles. Penny: Is there any part of your body that's normal? (chuckles) [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ We built the Wall ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] We built the pyramids [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] Bang! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ] Raj: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Howard: Will you please relax? Raj: I can't take it, dude. Bernadette: You okay? Raj: No, I'm not okay. I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin. Bernadette: I told you not to wax down there. It's itchy when it grows back. Raj: I'm worried about the New Horizons space probe. Bernadette: What's he talking about? Howard: Nine years ago he was part of a team that launched a spacecraft to collect data about Pluto, and it's finally close enough, so this morning it turned itself on. Raj: We hope. The signal has to travel over three billion miles. So it's gonna be hours before we know if it even survived. Howard: Now we get to see him flip out because he's worried it was demolished by space ice. Raj: Space ice is no joke. I can't even watch Frozen anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Amy: Ooh, the philharmonic is playing Beethoven downtown. Sheldon: Before you say yes, it's not the movie about the big dog. Penny: How come we can't think of something we both want to do? Amy: Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it. Leonard: Ah, interesting, we're being accused of making you do things you don't like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy. Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that. Leonard: That's what I was doing. Sheldon: Oh, that wasn't clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy? Penny: All right, keep thinking. Sheldon: You're making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I'd hate that. Leonard? Leonard: Well, yeah. Sheldon: Well, then, it's settled? Amy: What do you say? Sounds kind of perfect. Penny: It does, somehow he managed to take all the fun out of it. Sheldon: Well, once again, it's what I do. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's apartment ] Raj: Oh, another two hours to go. The wait is killing me. Howard: I know. I get it. When I was in the Soyuz capsule returning from the space station, plummeting toward Earth at 17,000 miles per hour... Raj: Before you finish, is this a story about patience and waiting or just another reminder that you went to space? Howard: A story can do two things. Raj: Ugh, I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack. Howard: You work in pharmaceuticals, don't you have anything you can give him? Bernadette: All I have is our new urine flow drug. Won't help with his anxiety, but it's so strong, when he pees he'll fly around the room like he's got a jet pack. Raj: I can't stop thinking about it. Bernadette: You know, worrying won't have any effect on what happens. Raj: I know. Howard: Maybe you need to do something more productive. Raj: Okay. If I make this shot in the trash can, the probe will have arrived in perfect working order. Howard: So, in addition to being crazy, you're resting the fate of the mission on your athletic prowess. Raj: Yes. Howard: The man who crashed his stationary bike. Raj: I didn't crash it, okay? My playlist was too up-tempo, I got light-headed and I fell off. Okay. It all comes down to this. Howard: You happy? Now you can relax. Raj: What kind of scientist are you? Everyone knows you got to make two out of three. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Clothes shop ] Leonard: This isn't so bad. Sheldon: That's easy for you to say. Your chair's not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that's a lot of panties. Amy: You guys comfy? This might take a while. Sheldon: I don't understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes. Penny: No, you're right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston. Sheldon: They have a man there who understands my personal style. Penny: Bye. Leonard: Uh, I've got some bad news. There's no cell service in here. Sheldon: Oh. Well, that's all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented. Leonard: That's true. Sheldon: I'll look them up. Son of a biscuit. Leonard: Sheldon, it's fine. Sheldon: No, it's not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn't at least have Wi-Fi? I'm going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Clothes shop - later ] Sheldon: Let's see, my armies are going to attack the Shire from Buckland. And I roll a five and a three. Leonard: Okay. And to defend, I roll two sixes. I win. Sheldon: Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. I wonder how long we're gonna be stuck here. Leonard: I don't know, but the girls do a lot for us. It's the least we can do. Sheldon: Oh, that's true. I suppose it's only fair we make compromises. Leonard: Look at you, being all mature. Sheldon: I don't know why you're so surprised. If there's one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it's how to compromise. Leonard: I, I'm sorry? You make compromises for me? Sheldon: All the time. Leonard: On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we're living? Sheldon: Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should've, because everyone was laughing at you. Leonard: That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how. Sheldon: Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me. Leonard: What? Then. then why don't you do it? Sheldon: Uh, well, it's scary. And sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But, more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can't take that away from you, so what do I do? Oh, come on, I'm practically feeding you the answer. I compromise. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Raj's car ] Raj: Hey, uh, thanks for keeping me company. Howard: I'm happy to. I think getting out of the apartment will do you good. So, where we headed? Raj: If it's okay with you, I'd like to go to temple. Howard: Buddy, trust me, you don't want to convert to Judaism. I mean, I know I make it look cool, but it's not all briskets and dreidels. Raj: I meant a Hindu temple. Howard: Oh. Okay. It's not like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, right? Some bald guy with horns isn't gonna rip my heart out. Raj: Dude, that movie's an imperialist fantasy that makes the followers of a beautiful and peaceful religion look like a bunch of bloodthirsty barbarians. Howard: You love that movie. Raj: Yeah, it's pretty great. Howard: I'm surprised to see you suddenly get religious. Raj: Why? Howard: Well, because I've known you for ten years and you've never gone to temple, you never talked about believing in God, and last Diwali I watched you eat two pounds of sacred cow at a Brazilian steak house. Raj: Religion is a very personal thing. I do go to temple, I just, I don't talk about it. Howard: Yeah, but you're a scientist. Raj: So? Howard: So, as a scientist, you believe the way to understand the universe is through facts and evidence, and now you're counting on some blue chick with a hundred arms to help you? Raj: That is so offensive. Does everything you know about Hinduism come from Indiana Jones? Howard: No. There's also Apu from The Simpsons. Raj: Well, lots of scientists believe in God. Okay? Newton, uh, Faraday, uh, Pascal, all were believers. Even Einstein was famous for attacking quantum theory on the grounds that God does not play dice with the universe. Howard: Well, of course he believed in God. he slept with Marilyn Monroe. Raj: Actually there's no proof of that. Howard: You believe in your religion, I'll believe in mine. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Store changing rooms ] Amy: How's it going in there? Penny: Uh, not really a great outfit for work, unless something opens up in the hookers and whores division. Hey, can I ask you something? Amy: Sure. Penny: Do I really force you to do things you don't want to? Amy: Yeah, but it's okay. Penny: How is it okay? Amy: I promised myself, if I ever got friends, I'd do whatever they said. Really, I'm lucky you found me before a cult did. Penny: Well, you know, that was a long time ago. You're a different woman now. You're smart, you've got great friends, you've got a boyfriend, you're pretty, you have zero fashion sense, but, anyway, tonight we're gonna do whatever you want. Amy: Really? Penny: Absolutely. You name it, we're doing it. Amy: Basket weaving at the craft museum. Penny: Well, you named it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The store ] Sheldon: Oh, here's another one. I wish that the apple pancake mix was on the top shelf because it starts with an A, but I don't put it there because I don't want you breaking one of your little legs when you're supposed to be making my breakfast. Leonard: Is it my turn to talk about the compromises I make? Sheldon: I wasn't done, but go ahead. He said, compromising. Leonard: Because of you, I'm not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I'm not allowed to whistle. I don't wear shoes that might squeak. Sheldon: Well, you're a physicist, not a circus clown. Leonard: Sheldon, do you realize I don't live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you. Sheldon: Is that true? Leonard: Yes, it's true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away. Sheldon: Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now. Leonard: You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It's exhausting. Sheldon: You know what? You think you're so tolerant, but the truth is you're mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don't notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears. Leonard: Sheldon, I, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I've been holding a lot of this in for a while. Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should. Leonard: Do you mean that? Sheldon: Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life. Leonard: Come on, don't get upset. Sheldon: I'm not upset. I'm just imagining a world without my best friend in it. Leonard: Sheldon. Sheldon: It's okay. Leonard: I'm not leaving your world. I'm just talking about living across the hall. Sheldon: I understand. Either way, I want you to know that I'm aware of how difficult I can be. So I just want to say thank you for putting up with me. Leonard: Buddy. Penny: How are you guys getting along? What? Why are there tears? Leonard: Everything's fine. We just started talking about living arrangements. Amy: Are you crazy? You know he's a flight risk. Sheldon: That's exactly what I told him. Penny: Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard's not gonna move out until you're ready. Sheldon: Well, what if you did it gradually? Leonard: All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny? Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle? Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: When I'm not home. Leonard: You got it. Sheldon: There we go, compromising again. We really are the best. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Temple car park ] Howard: Here we go, my first Hindu temple. Raj: You see behind the fountain, that tower that looks like a pyramid? It's called a Sikhara. It symbolizes the, the connection between the human and the divine. Howard: Huh. I always thought it was mini golf. Raj: All right. Shall we? Howard: Yeah. Just, uh, is there anything I should know before I go in? Raj: Like what? Howard: Like am I dressed okay? Raj: Really? So every other place you've been, you thought this was fine? Howard: I know you're under a lot of pressure, so I'm gonna let that pass. Raj: Sorry. You're right. I'm so stressed. But you know what, whenever I walk into that temple I realize that whatever happens, it's okay. We're all part of an immense pattern, and though we can't understand it, we can be happy to know that it's, it's working its will through us. Howard: That's nice. Raj: Whether you call it God or the universe or the self, we're all interconnected, and that's just a beautiful... Son of a bitch, that guy just dinged my car. S, seriously? You were just gonna drive away? Like my life isn't hard enough right now. A space probe might be destroyed, my parents are going through an awful divorce, the guy who cuts my dog's hair just gave her bangs. Howard: Raj. Raj: You saw her. She looks like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber. Howard: Raj, you just got a text. The probe turned on. It's fine. Raj: Oh, good. Namaste, Grandpa. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Craft museum ] Leonard: I thought this was gonna be boring, but it's actually kind of fun. Penny: Don't tell Amy that. We'll be here every Sunday. Amy: Sheldon, that really is an excellent basket. Sheldon: It's not a basket. It's a soldier's helmet from 16th century China. Amy: Very nice. Leonard: Yeah, it looks great. Sheldon: I saw that. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's bedroom ] Leonard: Well, roomie, it's only one night a week, but it's a start. Penny: I know. I'm really proud of Sheldon. Leonard: Yeah, I'm proud of him, too. Sheldon (in Penny's living room): Can you keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep out here.
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In the gymnasium, people are setting up for a blood drive Marco: So for tomorrow Ellie I need you to hand out stickers, okay? Craig I need you to pack the blood bags. And Alex, Alex! Alex: This I will not be wearing. Marco: It's for TV, Caitlin Ryan's community show? Look when people see Degrassi, I want them to think cute and cuddly. Alex: I'm going to clobber you. Marco: That's not cuddly. And as a president speaking to his vice... Alex: Alright. Calm down. Everything has to be perfect. Ellie: She's right. What you've done for the school this year, ever consider running a second term? Alex: (dancing around in the mascot head) Four more years! Four more years! Marco: I can't. I was thinking of picking up a few extra credits this summer. This way, I can graduate after first semester's done, maybe even move in with Dylan before university. My boyfriend? Alright you guys know I'm gay, right? Ellie: Um I'm stuck on graduating early. Craig: I'm on move in with Dylan. Marco: Guys it's not that big a deal! Okay it's huge. Outside Degrassi, there's a sign that says 'blood drive today' Dylan: So you'll call before you come over for the party? Marco? Today's gonna go fine. Marco: There's been a bee in this car for the entire ride. Fear is my friend. Dylan: You know a year ago you would have jumped out of a moving vehicle. Marco: Yeah well, a year ago I wasn't with you. (They kiss.) Marco: Go. Back to your dorm. I'll see you tonight at the party. In the gymnasium, Spike is giving blood Spike: It's like breastfeeding, only out of your arm. Emma: I think it's faster if you're quiet. Caitlin: (on camera) So you inherited a school where a student died and another paralyzed. Ms. Hatzilakos: Not the best situation to assume Principal, I agree. Caitlin: And yet you've managed to turn it all around. Ms. Hatzilakos: Oh no. Not me! Marco is the hero here. Organizing the dances, the assemblies, that's where the work has been. Caitlin: You donated yet Marco? Marco: Well I'm planning... (Alex jumps on him in the Panther suit.) Marco: Alex! Stop tackling me! Caitlin: Uh cut! Ms. Hatzilakos: So when is this gonna air? Caitlin: Eight tonight and I wanna add shots of Marco donating, when you're recovered. At the dot, Spinner is working and Jay is tapping a spoon against a glass Spinner: If I'm still serving you ten years from now kill me, all right? Jay: Well study hard and stay in school. Oh right! You got us expelled. Spinner: Here you go ladies. Uh Clare will be with you in a moment to take your order. Old lady: We asked for lemon with our water. Spinner: Uh, you can't bring a dog in here. Old lady: I didn't hear complaints. Ladies? We'll have the lunch menu instead. Spinner: I'm going off shift, so Clare will... Old lady: And lemon for the water and a bowl for Baby Bear here. So she can have some too, yes! Back in the gymnasium, Marco is about to donate Marco: So if I pass out and start drooling, swear you'll stop filming? Nurse Davis: Mr. Del Rossi? Could you please ask them to stop filming for just a minute? Caitlin: Uh we're not shooting the whole giving of blood. We're just gonna shoot a few frames of the President. Nurse Davis: I'm sorry Ms. Ryan. Marco: Is there some kind of problem? Nurse Davis: Uh there's a question here that you answered yes beside. Marco: It asks, if I'm male and if I've had...with another male. Nurse Davis: Yes, if you've had s*x. Marco: So? Nurse Davis: Well it's policy you have to understand, um but I can't let you be a donor. In the principal's office, Spinner is holding a flower pot Ms. Hatzilakos: You shouldn't be here Gavin. Spinner: I, I didn't make an appointment. I was afraid you wouldn't see me. I just want you to know this being expelled, I'm not taking it like it's a vacation. I've been keeping up in my textbooks. Ms. Hatzilakos: You were supposed to return those. Spinner: But I need them to write exams. Ms. Hatzilakos: You don't get to do that. Spinner: So that's it? I just lose my whole year? Ms. Hatzilakos: I'm willing to offer summer school. Spinner: But that only gives me two credits. That's not even enough to graduate. I mean that's a whole year of my life I have to do over. That's not fair! Ms. Hatzilakos: What's not fair is that Rick Murray is dead as an indirect result of your bullying. Spinner: I need to finish my year Ms. H! Ms. Hatzilakos: No. (Spinner throws the flower in the garbage and leaves.) In the gymnasium Marco: (On his cell) Dylan? Hey it's me. Look just please call me, whenever. I'm here. (He walks over to Ellie, Craig & Alex.) Craig: Why is your blood any more risky than ours? Ellie: Don't they test everything anyway? Marco: There's nothing wrong with me. I've only been with Dylan, he's only been with me. Even then we were totally safe! Alex: So stop whining. Start complaining. There's your soapbox. Use it! Marco: Caitlin! Hey! Caitlin: Hey. Marco: How's this for a story? Prejudice and homophobia at local high school. Caitlin: I'd say we're on you. Marco: Nurse Davis? Hey. Nurse Davis: Yeah? Marco: Hi. Nurse Davis: Hi. Marco: I, I want, look I want to ask why blood management refuses gay people from giving blood. Nurse Davis: Um, um well it's policy. I'm not a spokesperson so I can't really comment further. Marco: Fine. (To the camera) My name's Marco del Rossi, Student Council President. Today a student was denied as a blood donor because of his sexuality. Nurse Davis: That's not the reason. Marco: Then what is? Nurse Davis: Well there is, within the gay community, there is an increased risk of HIV infection. Marco: Saying that is lumping up all gay people as diseased. I listened in health class and anybody with a pulse can get HIV. Nurse Davis: Yes but... Ms. Hatzilakos: Marco? Please? (She stops the filming) Thank you. Thank you. Look this blood drive, you should be so proud of yourself for everything you've done. Look at all these people. Marco: My whole point is that I'm supposed to be one of them! Outside Degrassi, Jay is trying to steal a bike and kicks it Spinner: Hey! Jay: You want a kick, too? Spinner: That's my bike, goof-bag. Jay: Yeah well it's your fault I'm so bored! Spinner: So? I'm stuck with you! Haven't I been punished enough? Jay: Not yet. Spinner: Know what... bike stealing? It's kid's stuff. But real stealing from Degrassi... At Dylan's dorm, Marco walks into his room and sees Dylan making out with another guy and bolts Dylan: Marco! Marco wait! Marco: No. Dylan: About Eric, I meant to tell you. He's a friend from Psych class. Marco: There's other ways, better ways of breaking up Dylan! Dylan: Who's breaking up? Honey I'm in university now and there are people here, really interesting people that, that I really like. Marco: Oh yeah like Eric. Dylan: I love you and I don't want to stop seeing you. What I'd like to do is open things up a bit. You know see other people. (Marco shoves Dylan and leaves.) Outside Degrassi Marco: (on his cell) He wants to open things up. Ellie: (on her cell) He's a colossal jerk. Marco: (Sees his friends and closes his phone) It's so humiliating. First I get rejected as a blood donor, now by Dylan. Maybe the blood people were right. (Alex smacks Marco on his head.) Marco: What is wrong with you? Alex: My ex, formerly known as Jay Hogart, screwed around with every girl at this school. It's not a gay thing. Promiscuity, it's a guy thing. Craig: Hey. Didn't I hear that you clocked Amy for being equally trampy? Ellie: Oh and how's Ash, Craig? Or are you back with Manny? It's hard to tell, especially when you secretly dated them at the same time. Craig: Let's just call it a people thing. Ellie: Let's call it a choice. Monogamy wow, what a difficult concept. Marco: I just want my boyfriend back. Craig: He's got a party tonight right? Well then back is what we'll get him. [SCENE_BREAK] At night, inside Degrassi (Spinner and Jay were hiding in cupboards until the janitor left.) At Dylan's dorm Craig: Girls and boys? I didn't think Dylan's dorm would be quite so co-ed. Marco: You see him yet? Craig: Who? Marco: Dylan! Dylan: Hey! I'm really happy you came. Marco: Yeah? That's good... Craig: I'm gonna go uh see what they're stocking for pop. Gentlemen... Dylan: Come on. In Degrassi (Jay and Spinner are throwing toilet paper around in the gym, then stacking a bunch of chairs in the hall and just goofing around.) At the party Marco: Craig um look. Everything's unfolding pretty good so if you don't want to you don't have to stay! Craig: Are you kidding?! It's eight o'clock. Dylan: What's eight o'clock? Marco: Oh Caitlin Ryan! Degrassi! Me at the blood drive. Can I? Thanks. (He turns on the TV) Caitlin: (On that TV) You inherited a school where a student died, another paralyzed. Ms. Hatzilakos: (On the TV) Not the best situation to assume Principal, I agree. Caitlin: (On the TV) And yet you've managed to turn it around. Ms. Hatzilakos: (On the TV) Oh no. Not me! Marco is the hero here. Organizing the assemblies, the dances, that's where the work has been. Marco: Ah tell me my head doesn't look that big. Craig: Your hair, that's what's big. Dylan: It looks great. You look great. Caitlin: (On the TV) And so Degrassi has risen from the ashes of a tumultuous school year thanks to this week's local hero Marco Del Rossi. Marco: Wait. No wait. Wait for it. I think this is it. Caitlin: (On the TV) I'm Caitlin Ryan. Marco: That's it? No there's more. There's them not letting me give blood and then I- Eric: Dylan? We're toasting to summer with kamikazes! Dylan: Wait a second. Marco: It's nothing. Go. Kamikaze. Whatever. Dylan: I'll be right back. Marco: Dylan got me out of the closet last year. Yet here I was, my turn to make him proud. What I should be doing is making him jealous. Craig: Uh... Back at Degrassi, Spinner finds the yearbooks Spinner: What do we have here? Degrassi: A year of memories. Jay: I said something worth something. I always like counting how many times I'm in this thing. The way I see it the less, the better. Oh crap. One. The last thing I want to see is me smiling goofy and hanging off my bestest friend. No. Two. I'm a freak! A failure. Nothing compared to you though, I mean you're, you're all through this thing. (Spinner sees a bunch of pics with him and his friends and throws the book down.) Jay: You alright there, Spinster? Spinner: Follow me. Grab some more. At the party Marco: Hi. Hi, I'm Marco. Mike: Mike. Marco: Mike! So uh Mike! I was thinking of coming here next year. I was actually thinking about residence. But so far the only room I've seen is Dylan's. Mike: You want like a tour? Marco: Yeah, no a tour would be great and maybe I could see your room? You know to compare. Mike: Okay, um it's two floors down, 403. Just give me a sec to clean up okay? Marco: Okay. I'll see you in a bit...Mike. Mike: Marco... At Degrassi, Spinner Jay: Yo where'd you disappear? Spinner: Science lab. I got fluid of the lighter kind. (He starts pouring the fluid on the yearbooks and pulls out a lighter.) Jay: Seriously it's bonfire night? Look I know math wasn't your strongest subject, but yearbooks plus fire equals the whole school up in flames. Oh yeah and us in jail. Put the toy away, flip-head. Spinner: You're stopping me? (Jay smacks the lighter out of his hands.) Jay: Shocking but true. Spinner: You're a freak in the same way that I am. Jay: Yeah well at least I'm not torching the school. (Jay smacks the lighter away from Spinner and the guys start fighting.) Jay: You want your former friends to suffer?! Huh? Do you? Spinner: I want 'em back. Jay: Listen as your friend substitute, I'm telling you. This isn't the way. It's not. Spinner: I just want 'em back. Jay: Come on man we got to clean this up. In the stairwell at Dylan's dorm Craig: You know you are a great guy. The most honest, down-to-earth, nicest person that I know. You're a little short, but that just adds to the cuteness. That I would find you to be. If you were a girl or I was not a guy. (Points to himself) Is not gay. Just tell me this is helping. Marco: You're telling me what I really want to hear. I appreciate it, thanks. If you want to help tell me I'm an idiot. Craig: You're an idiot? Marco: I can't go downstairs. I can't stay here. I can't talk to Dylan. What do I do?! Dylan: Marco? (Marco kisses Craig so that Dylan can see.) Dylan: I um, wow. Craig: So when in doubt you kiss Craig?! Marco: I gotta settle this with Dylan. Craig: Yeah you do! You really, really do! (Marco leaves and pulls Dylan out of the party.) Marco: I love you. Dylan: Likewise, but what was that? Marco: Dylan a lot of things aren't making sense right now. Dylan: So what do you want me to say? Marco: It made you jealous? Dylan: It was Craig! Marco: I don't want you to see other people. I don't like it and I'm not gonna like it and I'm not gonna feel bad that it bugs me. Dylan: It bugs you? Marco: It bugs me. Dylan: It doesn't have to okay? How I feel about you, this changes none of that. Marco: That's fine and okay. But you see it changes how I, how I feel about me. Dylan: My freedom. That's important to me right now. I can't give that up. Marco: Then you and me? I can't. And it's over. (Marco leaves crying.) In Ms. Hatzilakos' office Spinner: Ms. H? Ms. Hatzilakos: Gavin I don't have time to argue. Spinner: You mentioned summer school. Ms. Hatzilakos: I offered. You declined. Spinner: Uh then what if I take it at another school or by correspondence and make the credits up that way? Could I come back next fall? There, there are two things that I want: to finish school and to get my friends back. But someone, someone's got to give me a chance. Please? Ms. Hatzilakos: Here are the forms and summer school schedule, aka your chance. Gavin? Don't screw it up. At the news station Caitlin: Hey Marco! Marco: Hey! So the blood drive, it was a huge success. Thank you so much for covering it. Caitlin: My pleasure. Marco: I just had a question about the scene I started in the gym? Are you gonna air that at a different time or...? Caitlin: Actually some people here would rather bury that part of it. Marco: Oh. Okay. Caitlin: Uh no it's not okay, actually. I'm sick of seeing AIDS being viewed as a solely homosexual disease. I've tried to do something about it before. Last year I even went to Africa. One word, educating. You know if you're interested in volunteering, I've got some friends we could talk to. Marco: Yeah sure! I'm interested. Caitlin: Interested enough in spending some time in Africa or the Caribbean? Marco: Yeah! Yeah, of course. Caitlin: It would mean giving up your entire summer. Any big plans? Marco: I did... have some. But you know how it is with plans. They change.
doc_93
Act One. Scene One - Radio Station. Frasier is signing off for the show. Roz is in her booth. Frasier: Till tomorrow then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you... Roz knocks on the booth. Frasier looks around a sees a grumpy old man looking in through the screen. Frasier: Oh, yes. Be sure to tune in later for the final broadcast of KACL's loveable curmudgeon, Chester Ludgate. You know, most of us here at the station were surprised to hear that he was retiring. I for one thought he'd never leave. [presses button] Roz: [enters] So, should we order a pizza? Frasier: Sorry? Roz: Those PSA's you promised you'd help me with are due tomorrow. Frasier: Oh gosh, Roz, I really am sorry. You know, it seems Mrs. Delafield's daughter is coming here to join us as an intern. I promised Kenny I'd show her around and take her to dinner. Roz: So, while I'm working late, eating my vending-machine dinner, you'll be out having a gourmet meal with some cute rich girl. Frasier: Oh, you can make anything sound unfair. Roz exits to her booth as Kenny and the cute rich girl, Poppy, enter the booth. Poppy is like a character out of "Clueless": Long blond hair, dressed totally in a red "girly" outfit with red high heels and red hand bag. She speaks with an annoying, ditzy accent. Kenny: Hey, Doc. Frasier: Kenny, and who have we here? Kenny: Dr. Frasier Crane, I'd like you to meet Miss Poppy Delafield. Well, gotta run. [swiftly exits] Frasier: Poppy, what a pleasure to meet the daughter of our beloved station owner. So, what brings you to KACL? Frasier cannot get a word in throughout the following. Poppy: Well, I was in Paris last month - or was it Madrid? - No, Paris, and I said to myself, "that's enough gallivanting for you, young lady, it's time to get a job." So I flew home and asked my mother, Minnie, if I could nose around and see if some job, you know, spoke to me at one of her radio stations, or TV stations or newspapers. But not her brewery, thank you very much! So, here I am. Sleeves rolled up, ready to learn. Is this where you do your show? Of course it is, there's your mike right in front of me. Earth to Poppy! She laughs; Gil walks past the booth in the corridor. Poppy: There's Gil, I met him earlier. Hi, Gil! She waves, Gil runs away. Frasier also waves and then wonders what he is doing and looks back at Poppy, who carries on. Poppy: Nice man. I think it's marvelous what you do. To really help people. Unlike the psychiatrists I've been to, both of whom had some sort of, I don't know, narcolepsy. I sympathize, but if you can't stay awake, don't be a psychiatrist! Behind her back, Frasier removes his cell phone, dials a number, and then hides it in his pocket. Poppy: To do what you do, to face that microphone day after day and know that for the next three hours you're going to have to talk and talk and talk? I could not do it! I would freeze! Literally freeze! She laughs giddily. Then the phone on the console rings, stopping her. Frasier: Excuse me. [grabs the phone] Hello? Yes, Dad. All right, calm down, calm down. Was there much blood? Poppy: Oh my gosh! Frasier: All right, Dad, I'll be there as soon as I can, hang on a second. [puts phone to chest, to Poppy] I'm terrible sorry, there's been a small emergency at home. I'm gonna have to pass on today, may I take a rain check? Poppy: Oh, and we were having such a nice chat. Roz enters. Frasier: This is Roz, my producer. You know Roz, I'll gladly do those promos if you would be so kind as to take Poppy to dinner and answer her questions. Roz: Sure, if you don't get bored listening to me drone on about radio. Frasier: Oh, I don't think there's much chance of that! Poppy whizzes Roz out of the booth, chatting to her on the way. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier and Daphne are sitting at the dining table. Martin enters and hurries Eddie into the apartment, checking the hallway for people. Frasier: What the hell is happening? Martin: Well, remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right? Frasier: Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad. Martin: Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!" Daphne: Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster! Frasier: Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward. Martin: Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty. Frasier: You know Dad, this is actually your fault. You know if you hadn't encouraged him after he killed his first rat he wouldn't have moved on to murdering hamsters! Martin: Well, what are you talking about? We don't know it was Eddie who killed him. He might have had a heart attack, or some kind of seizure when he bounced off the boiler! The doorbell sounds. Frasier crosses the room and opens the door to Niles. He is carrying a magazine and two tickets. A smile is beaming across his face. Frasier: Niles! Niles: Prepare to whoop like a sweepstakes winner. Cancel our dinner! I've scored us two seats, front row for the event of the season. Frasier: You mean...? Niles: Yes. Frasier: But...? Niles: I know! [proudly holds up the tickets] Frasier: Niles! Martin: [aside to Daphne] I love it when they do it this way, I can pretend it's a Seahawks game. He sits in his chair as Frasier eagerly takes the tickets and scans them. Frasier: My God, it's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert! My God, they've been sold out for months. How on earth did you score these tickets? Niles: I simply phoned the box office and said this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for "The Monocle." Frasier takes in a gasp of half delight for his brother and half jealousy as Niles slaps the magazine on the table. Daphne: "The Monocle." Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings? Niles: And the snootiest hotels. Frasier: How could this happen, Niles? Niles: I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Suerbread. The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite I kept my tongue sheathed. Until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated." Frasier: [indignant] I assume you pounced? Niles: [dignified] Like a ninja! By the time I had finished with him, Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur. Daphne: She fired him right there? Niles: Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad. Frasier: Well, it's a post. Congratulations are in order. You know, who would have thought my little brother a professional music critic? Niles: Oh, oh, and not just music. I can review anything I want. Theater, dance, art exhibits. Frasier: You don't say? Niles: Yes, from now on, wherever we go, I'll be armed with my trusty pad and penlight. Frasier: Wherever we go? What fun. Niles: [takes some opera glasses from his pocket] I'll have to take a damp cloth to these opera glasses, although I don't know what will we use them for, sitting in the front row? Unless it's to scan the faces of the jealous people behind us. Niles exits to the powder room. Martin: So, are you sure you're okay with Niles getting this critic job? Frasier: Why wouldn't I be, Dad? Martin: Oh, come on, I know what it's like with you two when one of you gets something the other one doesn't have. It's like when you were kids. Niles got a telescope, so you had to have a telescope. You got that funny little guitar, Niles... Frasier: Dad, it was called a lute! Martin: Oh yeah, whatever. Frasier: Dad, believe me, I do not envy Niles his critic's job. As kids we would aggravate the situation by flaunting our toys in each other's faces. We're much more mature than that now, all right? Niles enters from the powder room. Frasier: Niles, you know, it's about time we got going. We don't want to be late for the curtain. Niles: [flaunting] Don't be silly, I'm press now. They'll hold it. Niles walks out with great esteem, his chin pointed up. Frasier grovels behind him, ignoring Martin's smug look. [SCENE_BREAK] HOW A POPPY BECOMES HEROIN Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Front stage, Frasier and Roz are having a coffee and a chat together. Meanwhile upstage, Poppy is telling a weary crowd around her (including Gil and Kenny) about her life. Poppy: So, that's how it ends: B minus average, ten extra pounds and still no boyfriend. Front stage, Frasier and Roz watch on. Roz: I see Poppy's having a little party. Frasier: That's not a party, that's a hostage situation. Roz: Thank God today is her last day. You know, this morning she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story. I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer? Shut up!" Frasier laughs. Gil finally gets out of the "party" and arrives at Frasier's table. Gil: Dear God! I thought I'd never break free. I feel like a mongoose at the mercy of a chatty cobra. Gil exits as Niles enters with a newspaper. Niles: Hello, all. I see you all ready have the "Times." I'm quoted there today. Frasier: In the "Times?" Niles: Yes, here, [shows Roz the bit] it's in an ad for "St. Joan": "'Incandescent,' Niles Crane, 'The Monocle.'" Roz: [stands] Wow! Excuse me while I go and tell all my friends I know you! Roz goes off to the counter as Niles takes her seat. Niles: [yawns] Forgive me. Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the "Royal Shakespeare Company." I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column. Frasier: [keeping his eyes on his newspaper] That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation! Niles: If I were to review that attitude I would say it was a chilling portrait of malice and envy. Frasier: Oh Niles, I'm not the least bit envious that you get to spout off in that glorified cat-box liner. Niles: You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs-up. Frasier: I think we both know what your thumb's up these days! Niles's temper flares, and he gets up. Niles: That's a good one, Frasier. Perhaps you should use it in your column. Oh, that's right - you don't HAVE one! He exits and Roz joins Frasier with their coffees. Frasier: That smug jackass! Roz: Frasier, you have a radio show. If you wanted to say what you thought of a play, what's stopping you? Frasier: It's not the same thing as being a real critic, Roz. You don't get free tickets... you don't get quoted... forget hobnobbing. Roz: My God, this competition between you and your brother is sick. Your obsessive one-upmanship. You're both going to end up bitter old cranks like Chester Ludgate. Frasier: You know, you do raise a good point, Roz. Roz: Thank you. Frasier: Chester's time slot is free, I could do my own arts show. Kenny passes, trying to hide from Poppy. Frasier: Kenny? Listen, Roz just had a wonderful idea. Kenny: Yeah, doc? Frasier: What do you say about yours truly hosting a bouncy little show about the arts in Seattle? Kenny: Culture? Wow! That's a great idea, let me chew on that and I'll get back to you. Kenny exits. Frasier: Great! You see, Roz, he loved your idea Roz: That was not my idea. Frasier: It was too your idea. Roz: It was not... Kenny enters again. Kenny: Look, Doc, honestly, I feel kinda bad about what I just did. I let you think there was a chance that I might you let you do this culture show and... there's not. Frasier: No chance at all? Kenny: No. I mean, come on Doc. You, culture, opera. Who's listening? Not me! [laughs] Kenny exits. Frasier: Damn! I think my show's a good idea. Roz: Well, Kenny's the station manager and he doesn't. Frasier: You know what, frankly, I don't like his attitude. He acts as if he owns the station but he doesn't. Someone else does. Roz: Poppy! Frasier: The next best thing, her mother! Roz: No, Poppy. Roz points to Poppy who is coming over. Roz quickly picks up her bag and exits. Poppy: Hi, Frasier. Frasier: Hello, Poppy. Gosh, would you care to join? Poppy: I can't. Mummy's taking me shopping. She spoils me something horrible, I guess it's an "only child" thing. Anything I want, I just have to ask. Frasier: [getting an idea] Anything you want? Well, that's interesting. You know, Poppy, we could join each other for lunch after your shopping spree. Poppy: Oh, I'd love it. Frasier: Would you really? You know, it just seems a shame you leaving the station and us never really getting to know one another. Poppy: Oh, it hasn't been easy. I mean, with you having those dental appointments everyday. Frasier: [guilty] Yes. Let me walk you out. [stands up] Poppy: You know, I should get the name of your dentist. I can't find one I like. They're always giving me Novocaine when I don't need it and then it's hours before I can talk again. Frasier: Oh yes, well, I can give you his number, although I'm not sure he'd be any different. Frasier and Poppy exit. End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne is sat, irritated, on Martin's chair. Frasier and Poppy are sat on the sofa with wine and paté on the table. The last chords of a Beethoven piece is being played on the stero. Frasier is air- conducting as Poppy is laid back listening. Frasier: Divine Beethoven. Extraordinary, isn't it? Poppy: Oh, yeah. And do you know what makes it more amazing? Frasier: What? Poppy: [declares] He was deaf! Frasier reacts to this. Daphne just stares at her as if she's mad. Frasier: Daphne, more paté please. Daphne picks up the paté dish still staring at Poppy before she exits to the kitchen. Frasier: Poppy, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to meet someone who shares my passion for the arts. It's a rare thing to find in Seattle, believe me. Poppy: Is it? Frasier: Oh yes, sadly. If only more people were better informed about our city's rich cultural treasures. [hinting] But what can we as mere radio folk do? Poppy: Well... [delayed reaction] What about a radio show all about the arts in Seattle? Frasier: Oh my God, Poppy, that's a wonderful idea. How do you do it, you just pull these things out of the air! Good Heavens, of course we'll have to find ourselves a proper host, but who? Poppy: Well someone very smart. Frasier: Oh, indeed. Poppy: And cultured. Frasier: [French] Bien Sur! Poppy: And with a lovely speaking voice. Frasier: [articulated] Oh, I don't think we need to look too far. Daphne enters with the paté. Daphne: Here you go. It's very rich, so don't spread it on too thick! Poppy: Frasier, I'm so glad you're on board with this. Frasier: You know, my only concern is will Kenny go for it? You see, he's a bit of a Philistine. It might be better if the suggestion came not actually from us but from... [no response] someone else. Poppy: Who? Frasier: Well, someone with more authority, power, influence... [no response] Someone older... [no response] A woman perhaps... [no response] Daphne: [fed up] Your mother! He means your mother! Poppy: Oh, what a great idea. I'll call her. [stands] Frasier: Here, use mine. Poppy: Thank you. Frasier hands Poppy his mobile, she sits and dials. Poppy: Hello, mummy. I'm with Frasier Crane and we think there should be an arts show on KACL. But I really like this idea! So, you'll call Kenny and tell him you want this, okay? Love you too, okay, bye. [hangs up] Frasier smiles at Daphne, Daphne gives a sarcastic smile back. Poppy: And the first show should be? Frasier: Why don't we start tomorrow? But we'll need something to review. Poppy: That revival of "A Streetcar Names Desire" opens tonight. Frasier: Brilliant, let's go together. I'll see you at the theater. Poppy gets up to the door and is greeted by Martin who enters with Eddie. Martin: Oh, Poppy. Poppy: [to Eddie, loudly as if he is a baby] Hewwo, wittle Eddie, did you have a good walk? [Eddie runs off] Martin: Actually, we've just been to the vets. Poppy: [standing in door way] I had the cutest little dog when I was young, named Mr. Poops, every time we took him to the vet’s he... Martin slams the door on her, drowning out her ramblings. Daphne: You took Eddie to the vet, is he sick? Martin: No, it turns out the building security camera caught Eddie taking out Robbie Greenberg's hamster. So this Greenberg kid's trying to make Eddie out to be some kind of pit bull, he's organizing some petition to get him banned from the building. Frasier: [repressing glee] Oh Dad, that's terrible. Martin: Yeah, it is. I don't know, I just wanted everyone to see what a nice, calm, friendly dog Eddie was. Frasier: Why did you take him to the vet? Martin: Tranquilizers. They don't even work anyway. I gave Eddie one of those pills on the ride home, they didn't do a thing to him. I don't know, I think maybe he needs something else. Daphne: Uh, Mr. Crane? Daphne points to Eddie laid, seemingly unconscious, on the upstage floor. Martin looks. Frasier: Looks like all he needs is a lava lamp and some sitar music. The doorbell sounds. Frasier crosses to the door and opens it to Niles. Frasier: Niles! Niles: Well, I'm glad to see you're in a better mood. I was hoping you'd lend me your Tennessee Williams biography. I have to review that revival of "Streetcar" tonight and I wanted to throw in some background stuff. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry Niles, you know, normally I would have lent it, but I'll be needing it myself for my own review. Niles: Oh. Well, in that case I'll... [realizes] What? Frasier: Oh, that's right, you wouldn't have heard. You see, starting tomorrow I'll be doing my own little arts show on KACL, twice weekly. Niles: You envious reptile! Frasier: [picks up plate] Paté? Niles: I achieve one thing, one tiny distinction you don't have, and what do you do? You run whining to Kenny for extra airtime. Frasier: I did no such thing! Daphne: No, he went to that Poppy woman instead. Niles: Poppy?! Frasier: [to Daphne] Is this a panel discussion? Niles: You loathe Poppy! Frasier: I do not, I think she's delightful, [to Daphne] isn't she? Daphne: She's an idiot! Niles: You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have. Frasier: I don't have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours is! Niles: Well, at least my audience can read! Frasier: How dare you review my audience! Niles: I'll review anything I want to! Niles and Frasier, bickering, exit to the kitchen. Martin is laid back in his chair listening to them as Daphne watches Eddie. Daphne: [referring to Eddie] I've never seen him like this. Eyes bulging, tongue lolling out... Martin: Oh, he always gets that way when he fights with Niles! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Radio Station. Roz is in her booth getting ready for the show as Frasier enters. Frasier: Good morning, Roz. Roz: Hi. Frasier: Are you ready for our debut? I'm thinking of calling the show, "Frasier Crane's 'I'll Say'." But with the "I'll" spelt like a theatre aisle. Roz: [sarcastic] That should work real well on radio! You better watch out for Kenny, I heard he's pretty mad at you for going over his head. Frasier: He can't be mad at me, the whole thing was Poppy's idea. [Poppy runs by outside] Oh, here she is now, come to wish me luck. Frasier and Roz enter the main booth where Poppy also enters. Poppy: I was afraid I wouldn't get here in time. Frasier: Oh, here, here. [sits her down in his chair] We've got a few minutes to go before the show starts. Take a seat, catch your breath. Oh gosh, I'm really glad you made it. You know, it wouldn't be a proper debut without you. Poppy: Wow! All these buttons, how do you do it? Frasier: Oh, it's not that complicated, really. You know, I turn on the mike here, these are my call buttons. Oh, and I push this button here if I want to cough. [shows her] Poppy: How does it make you cough? Roz and Frasier share a glance. Frasier: You know, Poppy, I hate to rush you, but we've just a couple of minutes before the show so... Poppy: [screams and stands up, only to sit back down again taking a script out of her handbag] I better get a move on. [reads her script] Frasier: Poppy, what are you doing? Poppy: Getting ready for my show. Roz: [confused] One minute! Frasier: Your show? Poppy: Well, okay, our show. After all, it was your idea for me to do it. [shouts] Everybody, everybody come in here, please. Everybody from the corridors comes to the doorway to listen to her. Even Kenny and Gil stand by. Poppy: Before I begin my new show I just want to say a few words. Yesterday, I was ready to leave KACL. To run away like I have from so many other challenges. It was the support of one man, Frasier Crane, [Frasier looks horrified at what he's done] that helped me overcome this shyness many people may have observed in me, and to follow my dreams. [crying] Oh my God, I want to cry. Gil: We all do. Roz: [angry] Ten seconds! Poppy gives a little shriek of excitement. Everyone exits apart from Poppy, who puts on the headphones. Roz to her booth. Kenny, Gil and Frasier to the corridor. Gil: How could you do this to us? Frasier: I had no idea she intended to stay. Kenny: That's not what her mother told me! Gil: And I thought I'd seen some cruel pranks in the army. Frasier: I assure you, she is way out of her depth here. Any moment she'll realize she's in over her head, she'll be begging me to go in there and take over for her. Meanwhile, Poppy's show begins. Poppy: [slow, excruciating voice obviously reading from a script] "A Streetcar Named Desire" is a very powerful Broadway play. It was made into a movie starring Marlon Brando. This gave the play a very personal relevance to me, as I once sat next to Mr. Brando on the Concord and we had a very lovely chat until a sudden cramp forced him to change seats." As Poppy's show continues, Frasier slowly collapses into a heap against the booth door in the corridor, almost crying at what he has done. Poppy: "Streetcar" tells the tragic tale of [Southern accent] Blanche DuBois, who's a very gentile, very proper Southern lady. [as if it is a horror movie] Or is she?! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Frasier enters the café to find Kenny, Gil and Roz chatting at a table. They all turn away from him and stop talking. Roz puts her purse on the free seat, forcing Frasier to sit with his brother. Rather than looking smug, however, Niles looks strangely sympathetic. Frasier: Go ahead, Niles, I know you were listening. Niles: Well, I wish you'd lent her your Tennessee Williams's biography. She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him "Indiana Jones." Frasier nods painfully. Niles: If it's any consolation, I got fired from "The Monocle." Frasier: [stops the smile creeping to his face] Niles, I'm sorry. Niles: I panned a wretched musical, not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair. Frasier: She fired you just to placate her hairdresser? Niles: Electrolysist. And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have. Frasier: Oh, I am sorry, Niles. Gosh, it's a shame, really. You know, I know how much you loved that job, and to lose it in such an unceremonious fashion. Niles: Well, you know... I was thinking of quitting that job anyway. Frasier: Oh? Niles: I thought I was spreading myself too thin. Getting distracted from my real work. Frasier: I had the exact same thought. Even as I was preparing my show, I thought, "Am I being fair to my regular listeners?" Niles: They do depend on you. Frasier: As do your patients. Niles: Thank you. Frasier: God, is it any wonder we find ourselves ex-critics? Niles: We were meant to lose those jobs. Frasier: It's as if the Gods of psychiatry, jealous of our dallyings, have quietly stepped in and put things right. Niles: Well put! Frasier: Thank you. You know, Niles, if you're feeling a bit hungry, we could catch an early dinner and then... Niles: Oh, oh, and then catch the new Stoppard play. Frasier: You know, it's just a shame my listeners never got to hear my review of "Streetcar." Niles: Insightful? Frasier: Groundbreaking! Niles: As was mine. Frasier: Yes well, it takes a psychiatrist to interpret that play. Niles: Indeed. Frasier: All right, you go first. Niles: All right. Frasier: Go. Frasier and Niles cross to the door as Niles recites. Niles: "A descent into madness, and it was well worth the trip in this incandescent revival of 'A Streetcar Named Desire'...." Frasier: Just a moment Niles, "incandescent," isn't that the word they quoted you on in "The Times?" Niles: Well, yes. Frasier: You use that all the time. Frasier and Niles continue bickering as they exit. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Radio Station - Poppy exits the studio after her first show and eagerly looks around for someone to share the moment, but the hallways are empty. Puzzled, she leaves, and the station staff emerge from doorways and stairwells all over the station.
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(Fade to black. Cut to rolling coastline of beach houses. Cut to Sydney running through a park. This is not a leisurely run. She looks more as if she's pushing herself, perhaps running from the demons in her life. She slows and stops, removing headphones from her ears and bending over to take a drink from a water fountain.) Sloane (voiceover): Hello, Sydney. (Sydney looks up, shocked. Cut to see Sloane standing ten feet away from her.) Sydney: What do you want? (She switches off her walkman radio. Sloane walks toward her, clutching a small bottle of water in his hand.) Sloane: The Covenant is about to make a move. Sydney: If you have some intel, protocol is you pass it through Lauren Reed. She's your handler. Sloane: Well, Ms. Reed is very able, but I'm afraid she can't possibly comprehend the intricacies of serving two masters simultaneously. You were brilliant at it. The way you would walk into my office, look me in the eyes and lie to me. (He nods.) For me to succeed in my new work as a double agent for the Covenant, I'll need your help. Sydney: Your needs don't concern me. Sloane: You'll find the details on toureurope.eu. It's encoded in a photo of the Vatican. The password is “Credit Dauphine” for old time's sake. (Sydney looks away slightly, arms crossed impatiently.) Sydney: Clever. (Sloane takes a swig from his water bottle, then dries his mouth with the back of his hand.) Sloane: Hmm I miss LA. I miss Emily. I miss the friendship with your father. (sighs) I miss your confidence and trust. Perhaps, I can get it back someday? Sydney: You will never have my confidence and trust or my father's friendship and respect ever. (Sloane just studies Sydney and then smirks slightly as if she's just said something funny.) (Cut to Vaughn dressed in full hockey gear, minus helmet, at the rink, skating hard across the ice surface.) Weiss (voiceover): You don't want any of “Weiss on Ice” Come on, buddy! (Vaughn takes a shot that goes right by Weiss, dressed in full goalie gear.) Weiss: All right, I wasn't ready! Wait ‘til I say the words, “I'm ready.” (Vaughn lines up about 15 feet away from Weiss and shoots four pucks (wristshots) in quick succession at him. Weiss protests between each one.) Weiss: Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! . Dude, what's the matter with you? (Vaughn, skating backwards, resetting for more shots. His voice is brooding.) Vaughn: Nothing. (Vaughn takes another shot, which Weiss catches in his catching glove. He tosses it back out on the ice toward Vaughn.) Weiss: My brother used to do this. Vaughn (skating about restlessly): Do what? Weiss: Shut down like you're doin'. Get all quiet and ‘tough guy'. Vaughn (taking another shot): That's not what I'm doing. (Vaughn goes back to skating restlessly.) Weiss: Yeah, he'd deny it, too. Then he'd brood and get mopey, like you're doin'. Finally, it got too much for him he'd have to come around and tell me what the problem was (Vaughn stops skating and lets out a large impatient sigh.) Vaughn: It's been three weeks since I learned that Sydney murdered Lazarey I've been lying to my wife for three weeks. Weiss: Vaughn, I know guys who've lied to their wives for a lot longer than that (Vaughn gives Weiss a dirty look.) Vaughn: You understand that the reason your brother didn't like talking to you is because you say stupid things, right? (Vaughn fires an annoyed slapshot off the boards to the right (from Vaughn's angle) of the goal. It makes a loud noise and skitters away.) Weiss: Listen you were ordered not to say anything, right? This isn't your choice! Vaughn: Yeah, and she was ordered to figure out who murdered Lazarey I mean, that's my point. I'm actively engaged in preventing her from doing her job. (He shakes his head and sighs with frustration again.) She's gonna find out, I mean, you know she is (Weiss nods with a little sigh.) Weiss: and that you're protecting Sydney Vaughn: Yeah See where I'm going with this? Weiss: Well This is why people from the CIA should not get married to people from the NSC, man. Don't poop where you sleep (This response is not what Vaughn is looking for; it only irritates him more.) Vaughn: Thanks a lot (Vaughn fires a wicked slapshot right at Weiss' right pad. It connects hard and Weiss collapses to his knees in the net as Vaughn skates off.) Weiss: Oh! .Okay .You know what? That hurts (Cut to evening scene of a narrow European street. STRASSBURG. Cut to a dark nondescript van driving down the street. Cut to a Covenant member, not one we've seen before, holding out a manila envelope.) Member: This is where Lang will be (Cut to Sark, taking the envelope.) Sark: I'll take care of it. Member: It must be done a certain way. There's an a extraction required. Sark: I assume you've stepped out the details Member: Yeah, your partner's been briefed. Sark: My partner!? I don't think so. Member: This is not a request Sark: Look, if you don't trust me by now perhaps you should be in business with someone else and you can tell that to San'ko. (The Member just laughs as an unamused Sark looks on. Cut to an overhead aerial view of downtown LA by day. Cut to the JTF Conference room.) Dixon: We've logged on to Tour Europe and downloaded Sloane's intel. The Covenant is after a device that will give them access to Russia's strategic arsenal. It was designed by this man (shows a picture on screen), Robert Lang, hardware engineer for a German security firm. Jack: Lang was approached by someone posing as a Russian defense official. They contracted him to design a test for security flaws in their nuclear command and controls system. Marshall: This guy Lang created this really cool device. Basically, take it to any missile silo in all of Russia and it interfaces with the launch control console, bypasses all security protocols: initiation codes, the commander's launch key irrelevant. Sydney: It's a skeleton key for Russia's nuclear weapons? Marshall: Yeah and to be honest, I'm just a little bit jealous Lauren: Did they ever deliver it to the Covenant? Jack: No. He discovered that the man who hired him wasn't actually Russian defense, at which point, Lang went on the run to prevent the Covenant from getting what he'd invented. Dixon: This is a picture of what he used to look like. (Nods to picture still up on monitor.) Jack: According to Sloane's intel, Lang has surgically altered his appearance to hide from the Covenant. Dixon: We know that tomorrow night Lang is scheduled to meet this man (picture flashes up on screen) Heinrich Strauss at the Club Delphi in Milan. He's picking up new identity papers. Jack: Remember, Sloane's intel came from the Covenant, so obviously they're looking to grab Lang and this skeleton key. Dixon: Sydney and Vaughn you need to get to Lang before the Covenant does. You leave tonight. Marshall will go over op tech. Lauren, Sydney I need a moment. (They wait while the others file from the room. Dixon approaches them.) Given the current situation, I need to make a change. (Dixon looks at Sydney.) I want you to take over as Sloane's handler. Sydney (speechless for a moment and then): No, I'm sorry that is not a good idea. Lauren: While it's not my favorite part of the job, can I ask why I'm being replaced? Dixon: It's not an indictment. It's that Sydney is more familiar with the players (Sydney gives a confused look at Lauren and then to Dixon.) Sydney: What players? There's Sloane and Sark that's it. Dixon: No. There's another. (pause while realization starts to dawn on Sydney's face) Sydney Allison Doren is alive. (Pain and shock appears on Sydney's face. She looks away. Then she looks up and asks in disbelief) Sydney: She's alive? (Cut to the back of a van door opening and Sark being shoved out of it by the Covenant member he'd been talking to. Sark turns around to look at the man.) Member: You can thank me later (He closes the door. As the van starts to drive away, Sark turns around. Cut to a closeup shot of a high heeled shoe as it steps out from an open car door. We watch the door shut and the shoes walk toward Sark. The camera pans up: Black high heels, black stockings, black miniskirt, black jacket. The woman is walking toward Sark (The camera is behind her.) Cut to Sark's reaction. His eyes widen in complete shock. Cut to who he's looking at. It's Allison Doren stopping in front of him. She leans in to kiss him, and then) Allison: You look like you've seen a ghost. (Cut to black. Alias theme. End of Act One.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to an external view of what is apparently a European hotel at night. Cut and pan across a bedside table to Sark and Allison in bed, apparently naked. Sark is spooned behind Allison.) Sark: I truly thought you were dead the last two years. You'll have to start at the beginning or the end, after the last time I saw you Allison: Will Tippin discovered what had happened that his girlfriend had been killed and I'd been doubled to take her place. (Flashback to the beginning of the fight scene between Allison and Will, when she tries to strangle him.) Allison (voiceover): He had to be eliminated. (Cut back to Allison and Sark in bed.) Sark: What happened with Bristow? When the Covenant found you, you were both unconscious. Allison: I can only remember that in bits and pieces. (Flashback to the scenes from “The Telling” of the fight as she speaks). She came home I realized that she knew she aimed the gun at me (cut back to the present) The next thing I remember, it was three weeks later and I woke up in a Covenant run hospital outside of Marseilles. Took me six months to fully recover. I've been working for them ever since. Sark: Were you behind them extracting me from the CIA? Allison: I wish I could claim credit for that. I only learned you were working for us recently. Sark: My tenure began shortly after my father's murder. They freed me in exchange for my inheritance. Allison: Who killed your father? Sark: I don't know but I intend to find out. (Allison turns in bed, her back more to Sark now. He fingers her shoulder.) Sark: Bristow should have to pay for these scars (Sark leans down and kisses her shoulder, presumably on her scars) Allison: She will. (Allison turns and Sark kisses her.) (Cut to an aerial view of the Observatory.) Lauren (voiceover): I'm no longer Sloane's handler. Dixon gave that job to Sydney Bristow. (We see on Lauren's face that this still bothers her.) (Cut to Lauren sitting next to Lindsay on a bench. They aren't looking at each other, almost as if they are meeting secretly.) Lindsay: Good. That frees you up to focus on the Lazarey murder. We have a source working inside the Russian government who's agreed to help us out. Lauren: They have the assassin's identity? Lindsay: Not yet. But apparently they hold information that could lead us to it. Lauren: Then why aren't they using it? Lazarey was a Russian diplomat. You'd think they'd want that answer more than any of us Lindsay: The Covenant doesn't want anyone to know they're behind the assassination. Lauren: And your source believes their reach extends so far within the Russian government that they can make that happen. Lindsay: You leave tonight. Any leak, and our source could be compromised and killed. That means no one at the CIA can know about this, including your husband. (Lauren reacts to this news. The dread forms in her eyes and she sighs heavily and looks away. She's not looking forward to having to lie to Vaughn.) (Cut to two open suitcases on a bed. Slowly pan upward to see Vaughn packing. He's dressed in only a dark pair of pants. His boxer shorts peek out the top of the waistband, and what looks like it could be a gauze bandage can barely be seen under that. He puts a shirt inside his suitcase.) Vaughn: Vienna Lauren: I know surprised me, too (Lauren walks out from presumably the bathroom carrying some clothing, crosses behind Vaughn, around the side of the bed to the opposite side. She's dressed in skimpy black bra and panties and black high heels. She drops a black dress into the other suitcase and starts slipping her legs inside a black skirt.) Vaughn (continuing to pack): For how long? Lauren: Oh, you know how they go it's a NATO security briefing. Two days at the most. (I must mention here that even though Lauren is barely dressed, Vaughn barely even looks at her. I don't know if that is supposed to mean anything here, but I mentioned it just in case it does.) (Vaughn looks up at Lauren suspiciously. There's a touch of doubt on his face. He's not sure he believes her.) Vaughn (pauses, then): I'm surprised Lindsay reassigned you to cover a briefing (Lauren sits down on the bed. From our angle, we can see she's nervous and bothered about having to lie.) Lauren (slightly breathless, trying to sound cheerful): I know but he said he needs me there couldn't exactly say no, could I? (Lauren bends forward a little; we see her grimace. She plays with her earring nervously. Vaughn gives her back another look of almost betrayal as if he knows she's lying.) Lauren (in a quiet voice): What about Milan? (Cut to Vaughn slipping on a navy blue button down shirt. His face says he's hurt that she's lying to him, because he knows she is. He plays with the collar of his shirt and starts to button it.) Vaughn: Should be a quick turnaround. Be back in a day. (Lauren turns her head to the side and then stands up to face Vaughn.) Lauren: When we get back when we're done with this (Vaughn looks up to meet her eyes. He's tense; we can see it in the way his jaw is set.) Lauren: we need to go away. (Vaughn gives her a tiny knowing smile.) Vaughn: The desert? Lauren (shaking her head): Anywhere (They lock eyes. Vaughn smiles a little and then the smile fades slightly as he continues to stare at her.) (Cut to a car driving away from us behind a row of warehouses. MOSCOW. Cut to Lauren and the contact inside one of the warehouses talking in hushed tones.) Lauren: My superior indicated, Mr. Tipucoff, that you have some information for us. Tipucoff: How does a British woman become an American spy? Lauren: I'm not a spy. And though I grew up in London, I was born in the United States. Now that you know my life story, I have some questions myself. Your government's running a probe into this. I would think you'd want to bring closure to your own investigation. Why come to us? Tipucoff: I already explained this to your superiors. Lauren: I want to hear it for myself. Tipucoff: Andrean and I were, um colleagues, since our time together at St. Petersburg University. Lauren: I'm sorry. Tipucoff: I have for some time now, suspected the existence of a mole whom I believe is still loyal to the Covenant. (pulls his hand out of his pocket and hands Lauren a digital recorder) This is a file of digital recordings, which chronicles hundreds of phone calls made or received by our deceased diplomat, Andrean Lazarey. Perhaps the murderer can be traced to one of these calls. I trust that you'll see that justice is done for my murdered comrade. (He starts to walk away.) Lauren: Where can I contact you? (Tipucoff turns and looks back.) Tipucoff: You can't. We never had this conversation. (Tipucoff walks away. Cut to black.) (MILAN. Push through the A. An overhead shot of a streetcorner at dusk. Cut to Vaughn, in black leather jacket, holding a Palm Pilot in what is apparently their surveillance van. Vaughn speaks louder than normal, as if speaking to someone in another room.) Vaughn (playful, joking): So that camera that Marshall gave us is a miniaturized X-ray camera What do you want to bet this thing's leaking radiation? (Cut to a sliding curtain door as it opens. Sydney emerges in costume: Chin length flip hairdo, blonde on top with dark hair underneath the top layer; 60's style white sequin minidress and calf high white go-go boots, topped with a white suede coat with a fur collar. She steps out. He looks up at her, smile still touching at the corners of his mouth. His eyes widen as the smile slips off his face. His mouth gapes open slightly and he leans back in his chair, unable to stop staring at her. Sydney breaks eye contact first and looks away uncomfortably.) Sydney: So we're looking for Lang (Vaughn takes the subtle hint and gets back in game mode. He looks away momentarily and then back, more in game mode.) Vaughn: Yeah the camera's supposed to ID his plastic surgery. (Sydney walks over and sits next to Vaughn as he continues to explain.) Vaughn: It'll transmit images back to my PDA that Marshall programmed to identify fractures, scar tissue, implants anyone who's been under the knife. (Sydney looks down at her lap. She appears troubled. This doesn't escape Vaughn's notice.) Vaughn: You okay? (Sydney looks up, meets his eyes.) Sydney: Mmmhmmm. (Vaughn looks down, playing with the PDA.) Vaughn (not looking at Sydney): Is it Allison? (He looks up at her. He knows.) Sydney: Since I learned that she's alive I keep wondering Does she still look like her? Does she look like Francie? (Vaughn continues to meet her eyes, his understanding and empathy plain.) Sydney: Because if she does? As much as I know I should keep her alive to maybe try to figure out the last two years of my life? All I'll wanna do is kill her. (Their eyes meet.) (Cut to Francie, dressed in black, apparently on the rooftop of the club. Sark walks toward her, handing her an envelope.) Sark: Heinrich Strauss he's the man providing Lang with identity papers. As we speak, he's getting drunk in the club. Allison: I'll keep an eye on him. (Cut to Vaughn, picking up the necklace that Marshall made for the op.) Vaughn: The camera's in the stone. (He holds the necklace out.) Sydney (quietly): Do you mind? Vaughn (just as quietly): No. (Cut to closeup on Sydney's fingers unbuttoning her coat to slip it off her bare shoulders. We see the pendant appear on the front of her dress and then pull up. The camera pans upward to Sydney's face as Vaughn's hand rests against her shoulder as he does up the clasp of the necklace. It brings back memories for her. Slide over to Vaughn's face. He's just as affected by the moment, if not more. He pulls his hands away slowly and just as slowly pulls the fur collar back into place. Sydney looks down sadly.) Sydney (barely above a whisper): Thank you. (Cut to Allison pulling on fingerless leather gloves. She opens a soft case, exposing a sniper rifle. She locks a silencer in place, lifts the rifle to look down the telescoping sight. She locks a clip in place and cocks it. She zips up her black leather jacket and says, apparently to Sark ) Allison: Let's go. (Cut to Sydney's go-go boot. She pulls aside her ankle length coat, exposing the calf high boots, wide expanse of leg, and a gun harness strapped on her upper thigh. She slips a pistol inside it, saying) Sydney: Let's go. (Cut to inside the club, pan down from the ceiling to Sydney as she begins to work the crowd.) Vaughn (voiceover, on comms): Okay, we're looking for someone with massive facial reconstruction. Lang's about 5' 10”, 170 pounds. (Cut to a closeup of the necklace.) Sydney (voiceover): How's the camera working? Vaughn (on comms): Video's linking up now. (Cut to view of video coming up on Vaughn's PDA. Cut to Vaughn on a balcony above the dance floor, surveying the scene.) Vaughn: Signal strength's at 100%. (Cut to view from above of Sydney making her way to the bar counter.) Sydney (voiceover): I'll start looking for Lang. Vaughn (on comms): Hey, check out that guy to your left. (Cut to Sydney as she looks over her shoulder at a young man in black wearing spectacles. She gives him a seductive smile, plays with her necklace and says) Sydney: Buy me a drink? (The man puts up a finger to attract the bartender's attention. Sydney looks around as she waits to hear from Vaughn. Cut to Vaughn looking at the PDA, then to the image on the PDA. The program searches the man's face. He's not a match. Cut to Vaughn.) Vaughn: Nothing. (A new song starts to play. As the man holds out the drink to her, she waves her hand and starts to walk away saying,) Sydney: I love this song. Vaughn (on comms as Sydney works the crowd): Okay, nothing there Keep moving Oh! Check out that guy with no rhythm (Sydney grabs both the man's hands and starts dancing with him while Vaughn checks out his face. Cut to Vaughn.) Vaughn: No, only a nose job not enough to be Lang. (Cut back to Sydney. She dances for another moment, then moves on. Cut to a view of the crowd from Sydney's pendant.) Vaughn (voiceover): Chin implant at 3 o'clock (Cut to Vaughn looking at his PDA) Vaughn: Collagen lips straight ahead (Cut to Vaughn's PDA as he focuses in on a woman in a low cut white satin gown shimmying to the music. An X-ray interpretation of the shot reveals ) Vaughn (jokingly sarcastic): Okay, those breasts are real (Cut to Sydney as she smiles at Vaughn's joke. Cut back to Vaughn.) Vaughn (joking): What do you think? Should I get my nose done? Sydney (as she surreptitiously turns on her comm.): Maybe a little tapering Vaughn (on comms): Get the bump removed? (Cut to Vaughn.) Vaughn: Whoa, wait, wait, wait go back. Go back to your left, 2 o'clock. (Sydney takes a step back, turning her pendant.) Sydney: Right there? (Cut to the man the pendant is pointing at.) Vaughn (voiceover): Yeah, yeah hold it just like that. (Cut to Vaughn as he checks the man's face.) Vaughn: Okay, nose, chin, cheek lift, eye config That's Lang! (Cut to Lang as Strauss approaches him.) Sydney (on comms): And there's Strauss. (Strauss hands Lang a small manila envelope. Cut to Sydney.) Sydney: He just got his identity papers (Cut back to Lang as a red dot appears, moving around his head.) Sydney: Someone has a laser sight on him! (Cut to Allison in the balcony, aiming her sniper rifle at Lang's head. Cut back to Sydney as she rushes toward Lang, grabbing him and throwing him to the floor. A bullet hits Strauss in the chest a split-second later. Sydney pulls her pistol and shoots at Allison in the balcony. Allison ducks behind a wall. As Sydney continues to return fire, she says on comms) Sydney: Vaughn, Allison's the shooter; she's up in the balcony. (Cut to Vaughn, running.) Vaughn: I'm on my way! (Cut to Allison as she starts shooting into the crowd, presumably at Sydney and/or Lang. People scream and run. Glasses get shot on the counter. Sydney returns fire as Lang starts to crawl off.) Sydney: Wait! Lang! (He doesn't stop, runs away.) Sydney: Don't move! (She gets up to try and follow, but Allison fires at her and Sydney has to dive over the bar to use it as a shield. Cut to Lang, running pell-mell down the staircase. Cut back to Sydney, hiding behind the bar, shielding her face from the broken glass around her.) Sydney: Lang ran out; I'm pinned down. Vaughn, where are you? (Cut to Vaughn, hiding around the corner from where Allison is.) Vaughn: I'm on the balcony! (He leans around the corner and fires three shots at Allison and then hides as she fires at him. Cut to Lang, running for the elevator, pushing the down button and getting on. Cut back to Sydney, still behind the bar. She gets up abruptly to fire, but Allison's gone.) Sydney (to Vaughn on comms): Do you see her!? (Cut to Vaughn.) Vaughn: No, she took off! I'm goin' after her. (Cut to Sydney) Sydney: I'm goin' after Lang. (Cut to Allison, stalking down the corridor toward the elevator. Cut to the inside of the elevator as we watch the lights flash from 4 to 3 to 2, then pan down to Lang's terrified face. The elevator stops. Lang looks up as Allison crashes through the glass ceiling of the elevator, landing easily on her feet.) Allison: Hello. (Allison grabs Lang by the neck and throws him to the floor of the car. She pulls out a tooth extractor and holds it over him as she chokes him with her other hand. She moves forward and then the camera pulls up and away. We are looking down through the hole in the ceiling of the elevator as we hear Lang screaming (as Allison apparently extracts a tooth) The camera pans up the elevator shaft to where Vaughn discovers Allison has wedged the elevator door open with a metallic ash can. Looking down into the shaft he tells Sydney on comms) Vaughn: Sydney, she went down the elevator shaft. She has Lang. (Cut to Sydney) Sydney: What floor is she on? (Cut to Vaughn) Vaughn: The basement. (Cut to Sydney as she pushes open the door leading to the basement. She runs down the hallway and then stops as she reaches the elevator corridor. Sydney walks carefully down the hallway. The door to the elevator is open. A body is lying on the floor of it. She walks forward, turns the corner to look into the elevator. Lang has blood dripping from his mouth. He appears dead. Just then, Allison appears from behind Sydney and hits her on the head with the butt end of her pistol. Sydney collapses. Allison stands over her menacingly. Cut to black. End of Act Two.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Pan across JTF to Weiss and Sydney walking toward Weiss' desk.) Sydney: Why didn't she kill me? Weiss: Maybe she likes you Sydney: Weiss, I'm serious. (Weiss sits in his chair, Sydney sits on the corner of his desk) Weiss: So am I! Come on she lived with you for months! She doubled herself as your best friend maybe in that time, she started to like you. I could see that happening. Sydney (shaking her head, then looking up at Vaughn, standing over Weiss' shoulder): It was like she needed to keep me alive. I..I know this sounds weird, but it was like she was ordered not to kill me. Weiss: Hmmm. Well, that's lucky. Vaughn: I wanna know your fight two years ago. You shot her three times. Weiss: So wait she took this guy's tooth!? Sydney: She took the guy's tooth. Weiss: Just when you think the world can't get any weirder (Lauren walks up to the group with a smile.) Lauren: Hey. Weiss (in greeting): Hey. So, have you checked the dental records to find out what's so weird about his teeth? Sydney: Langley crosschecked all accessible files; they had nothing. But then Lauren was a genius Lauren (embarrassed): Genius isn't quite what I was Weiss (to Lauren): What? What'd ya do? I miss all the good briefings Vaughn: Lauren realized that we already had Lang's X-rays and we could use them to figure out what was in his tooth. Weiss: What!? Sydney: The X-cam Marshall's necklace. We used it to see who had plastic surgery; I took the pictures myself. Weiss: Nice! Lauren: I have a meeting with the NSC Vaughn: I'll walk you out. (Lauren and Vaughn walk away. Vaughn places a hand on Lauren's back as they walk. Sydney watches this; it still bothers her.) Weiss: You know, Vaughn's right; the real question isn't why she didn't kill you it's how come she's still alive at all Maybe Allison's a werewolf Maybe the only way to kill her is with a silver bullet (Sydney takes a preoccupied sip of her tea and then says) Sydney: Yeah (Cut to a side view of a head X-ray) Marshall (voiceover): Okay, if you look right here, this is Lang's jaw before his tooth was removed. Now, if we look closely right here (a pointer points at a specific tooth then the camera angle widens to include Marshall) that looks like a normal filling that when you have a cavity, you have it filled from too much sugar and not flossing which I do every day, twice a day but, upon further examination I actually magnified it over a thousand times, and (focus in on the item in his tooth) it's actually an RFID chip. Now RFID stands for radio frequency identification. Weiss: Uh Flinkman you know what would be great? English Marshall: Oh, okay, sorry I forgot you're not that astute. What can I ? Oh, are you guys familiar with those quickpass things you use at, um, gas stations? You know, uh, go on, uh, key chains, and uh, actually, I think I, uh, have one if you need a visual, uh, demonstration (fumbling with his keys) you know, this, this little thing right here that lets you pay for your gas at the pump you don't have to use a credit card Jack: Marshall Marshall: Yeah? Jack: We're familiar with them. Sydney: Lang has something like that in his tooth? Marshall: Sort of. Um, uh it doesn't work at a gas station although if it did it'd be wicked cool Jack: We believe that Lang used this transmitter to open a high security lockup. Marshall: Yes, and I believe that Lang kept his magic missile launching device locked up, and then used this tooth to open the vault. Vaughn: Or a briefcase I mean, this device could be anywhere. Sydney: We have to assume the Covenant has the location. As far as we know, they could have the device in their possession already. Sloane's our man in the Covenant so I assume there's a plane waiting. (Cut to aerial view of LA by day. Cut to Lauren, presumably at the NSC office. She's speaking to a techie.) Techie: How do I know what I'm looking for? Lauren: I've supplied you with the time and date of Lazarey's murder. Screen any and all calls made in the weeks leading up to it. Based on what we know, we believe the killer was someone he expected. Techie: Lazarey killed by a man or a woman? Lauren: A woman. Techie: It'll take me a while to filter through all these calls Lauren: Any calls with a red flag, run them through voiceprint analysis. Maybe we can make a positive ID on one of these callers. (Cut to black. ZURICH. Push through the U. An aerial shot of Zurich by day.) Sydney (voiceover): Sydney Bristow here to see Arvin Sloane. (Cut to Sloane's secretary's office.) Secretary: Yes, he's been expecting you. Right this way (Cut to Sloane pacing behind his desk, talking on a telephone headset.) Sloane: Of course, Mr. Secretary I'd be happy to speak with the delegation from UNESCO. At their convenience (Sloane looks up to see Sydney standing in the doorway. He silently motions for her to come in.) Sloane: Just let me know thank you. Uh, give my regards to Monique yes. Bye. (he hangs up and takes the headset out of his ear, then addresses Sydney) Sydney, I was very pleased when Dixon said you'd agreed to be my handler Sydney: It was an assignment, not an agreement the way a janitor doesn't agree to clean a toilet But as your handler, you'll do as I say, when I say it. I select your assignments; I design your missions. I control you not the other way around. Sloane: Is that what you used to let Vaughn do? Control you? Sydney (ignoring this): The intel you provided was accurate. The Covenant is in pursuit of a device that would give them access to Russia's strategic weapons. Sloane: You failed to get Lang, didn't you? Sydney: Lang is dead. The Covenant has an access code which will open a vault that contains this device. Sloane: And you know the location of this vault? Sydney: No. But Sark and Allison do, and you're going to get them to give it to you. Sloane: Allison I was wondering when Allison would resurface I'm sorry, Sydney I can only imagine that seeing Allison must be very painful for you. Sydney (hardening, firmly): You will set up a meeting with Sark and Allison. You'll explain to them that their travel plans have been compromised. You'll then offer them assistance in revising their arrangements. Sloane: And pass the information along to you. Sydney (condescending): That won't be necessary; you'll be wearing a wire. Sloane: And if they discover that it's a setup? Sydney (satisfied smirk): Then I get to hear them kill you. (Cut to black. End of Act Three.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Aerial shot of LA by day.) NSC Techie: I went through the entire disc. There were 300 calls and about 12 percent of them are encrypted, including this one from the day before the murder (Cut to Lauren, sitting on the edge of Techie's desk. He pushes a button and the camera focuses on a computer program that is playing the recording.) Lazarey: Hello, this is Andrean. Woman: Hello, Andrean. It's me. Lazarey: Hello. Woman: About the stock transfer Lazarey: So I trust you've located a safe place to park the assets Woman: I have. Lazarey: Well then when would like to come by to discuss the particulars? Woman: Can you make time tomorrow at 3? Lazarey: Of course. I look forward to seeing you then. Woman: See you then. Lazarey: Goodbye. Lauren: That has to be the killer. He was murdered at 3:15. Techie: Mmm. I ran it through analysis; the woman's voice has been digitally altered. Lauren: Can you restore the original? Techie: Mmmm no. It was altered at the source. But, I was able to access records from the Russian telephone exchange Lauren (following his line of thinking): So you can do a trace (Techie smiles triumphantly.) Techie: I already did (he pushes a few buttons on the computer and it shows a running graphic as he speaks.) See, whoever placed the call did an amazing job. They routed to Lazarey's PBX via a defunct satellite network, through the Internet, via IP gateway, and out over a land line to what appears to be a secure telephone at this address (the computer hones in on a place) Lauren: London Techie (in British accent): 34 Trenton Place (in normal voice) Knightsbridge. A company called KNG Microtech. Lauren: Good job. (Cut to a shot of London. Either sunrise or sunset. Lauren pushes open a set of glass doors and walks through it. She walks to a door, knocks on it. When no one answers, she opens the door with a credit card. Cut to Robert Lindsay, listening on a telephone.) Lauren (voiceover): I found the office where the call originated. It's been empty for some time. (Cut to Lauren sitting on a desk in an otherwise empty small office.) Lauren: I spoke to the leasing agent. According to their records, this office was leased a year ago November 24th: a four-year lease, paid in advance. Lindsay: Was there a name on the lease? Lauren: Yes, there was. I believe she is the person who killed Lazarey. Her name is Julia Thorne. (Cut to black. PRAGUE. Push through the G. Evening scene of Prague. Cut to Arvin Sloane, entering an outdoor eating area.) Sloane (on comms): I feel like a field agent again. Sydney (over comms): Do you have a 20 on the targets? Sloane (on comms): Sydney, I've never told you about my time with the Agency, have I? (Cut to Sydney and Weiss on comms) Sydney: Yes or no. (Cut to Sloane) Sloane (voice singsong): I was very patriotic once (Cut to Sydney) Sydney: No one's asking (Weiss gives Sydney a look) Sloane (voiceover): Here they are. (Cut to Allison and Sark sitting at a table waiting for Sloane. Sark's drinking red wine while Allison smokes a cigarette. Sloane approaches them.) Sloane: Mr. Sark Allison (He sits down across from them at the table.) You're looking well. Allison: I look like someone else. When you hired me to undergo gene therapy, you promised me you could reverse engineer the process. (Cut to Weiss and Sydney listening and then back to Sloane) Sloane: Ahhh, but Sydney Bristow destroyed the technology that would have allowed us to return you. I'm sorry for your loss. Sark: You indicated that it was important we meet. Sloane: The CIA is on to you. (Cut to Weiss and Sydney listening. Cut to Sloane.) Sloane: My sources tell me the Agency knows you've extracted an RFID chip from Mr. Lang; the plane that you've chartered is under surveillance. As council to the Covenant, I suggest that you move up your timetable. If you'll let me know where you need to go, I'll have a plane waiting within the hour. (Cut to Allison. She's been watching Sloane closely.) Allison (flatly): He's lying. Sloane: Allison Sark: No, she's a wonderful judge of character Sloane (to Allison): Sydney Bristow found you in Milan. If I were a betting man, I'd say she'd find you again. (more to Sark) I'm simply here to help. (Cut to Weiss and Sydney.) Weiss (whispering): There's no way Sark's gonna go for this (Cut to Sark.) Sark: We're going to Bulgaria. The device is in a vault in Sofia. (Cut to Weiss and Sydney.) Weiss: What'd I tell ya? This is the best plan ever! (Cut to Sloane) Sloane: I can get you there first thing. Sark: Tomorrow morning. Sloane: Done. Sark: Our business here is complete. (Cut to Weiss and Sydney) Sydney (over comms): Ask them where I've been the last two years (Weiss gives Sydney a look. Cut to Sloane.) Sloane: I'll call you as soon as the arrangements are complete. (Cut to Sydney and Weiss.) Sydney (over comms): Ask them or I'll send a feedback signal through your comm so loud they'll hear it and know you're wired at which point they'll kill you. It sucks being a double agent, doesn't it? (Weiss sighs and rubs his eyes with his hand as if he can't believe Sydney is doing this.) (Cut to Sloane as he is about to get up, but then settles back into his seat.) Sloane: You know Allison, I'm thinking seeing you again I'm reminded of all the things that have happened over the past two years. I I'm curious have you and Sydney Bristow crossed paths? Allison: Why? Sloane: Well I heard that you had an opportunity to kill her in Milan and that you didn't take it Allison: The Covenant asked me not to. (Cut to Weiss and Sydney's shock. Cut back to the table.) Sloane: Really? Why is that? Allison: They wanna retrieve something something in her memory. (Weiss looks at Sydney, shocked. Sydney is also surprised. Cut back to the table.) Sloane: What? Something she saw? Something she experienced? Allison: I'm as curious as you are. (Cut back to Weiss and Sydney.) Weiss: Something you saw!? What the hell is that!? Sydney: I have no idea. (Cut to Sydney and Jack in the JTF office.) Jack: Sydney, we've been over this. Sydney: Yes, I know. The NSC techniques to recapture my memories are invasive Jack: Invasive!? That's too benign a word. We're talking about surgical procedures that could leave you with permanent brain damage! Sydney: Allison said the Covenant wants to access something I saw Jack: And we'll discover what that is in time Sydney: Dad, I am walking around with a secret in my head; something so fantastic that the Covenant operatives have been ordered not to kill me. I need to know what that is! Jack: I understand, but we're not doing it like that! Sydney: Then how do you propose we do it!? I am losing my mind! (Dixon walks up from behind them.) Dixon: I just got off the phone with our NIS liaison in Sofia. Once Allison's plane lands, you and Vaughn will coordinate with the local authorities and track her to the location of the vault. We'll wait until she retrieves the device, then apprehend her. Sydney: I understand. Dixon: You leave at once. (Sydney looks uncomfortable. Dixon looks at Jack standing behind her and addresses him.) Dixon: Is there a problem with that? Jack: No there isn't. I'll go over op tech with Marshall. (He leaves.) Dixon: I want you to be clear on the rules of engagement. Sydney: Yes, I know. Allison is another link we now have into the Covenant. She is part of our larger agenda, and as such, is not to be killed. Dixon: I want her dead. Sydney: What!? Dixon: The order from Langley is to bring her in dead or alive. She killed my wife; she killed your best friend so, I look at this as an opportunity. The only reason why I hesitated before was that I hoped that she might have information for you. But now that we know there's no hope for that? (pause, as his face hardens dangerously) I want that bitch dead! (Cut to Sydney's shocked expression as Dixon stalks away. Cut to black. End of Act Four.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Aerial shot of LA by day. Cut to Marshall's techie room, where he's talking to Vaughn.) Marshall: I hear, actually, you wanna track Allison, right? Well, I came up with a solution to that problem The chip inside Lang's tooth; it uses a frequency signature, and that's how it unlocks the vault that contains his missile launching device. Vaughn: You explained this the QuickPass. Marshall (Gesturing to a PDA device on his desk): Now this thing will hone in on the frequency which will lead us to Allison, and she will lead us to the device. (Vaughn makes a “Hmm okay that sounds good” face) Marshall: However I..wasn't really sure exactly the frequency that the chip transmits on, so I, you know, covered a broader spectrum. Vaughn: Is that gonna be a problem? Marshall: No, noooo not really. All right kinda. It might be set off by certain microwave ovens (Vaughn rolls his eyes as if to say “Oh great ”) Marshall: so I'd steer clear of pancake houses of the international variety ? Vaughn: Got it. (Vaughn goes to reach for the PDA, but Marshall blocks him.) Marshall: Whoa! The uh, EPROM chip isn't finished burning, so it's gonna be a while Vaughn: All right, then Just let me know when it's ready. (Vaughn turns to leave.) Marshall: Actually, uh can I ask you a favor? (Vaughn turns back.) Vaughn: Uh, sure. Marshall: I don't know if you've noticed, but, uh I'm not that smooth around the ladies (Vaughn frowns as if to say to Marshall “Hmmm I've never noticed that” while we know he's trying to make him feel better, since it's blatantly obvious Marshall isn't smooth ) Marshall: well, in fact, I'm a little awkward. Well, I mean, let's face it: You got the looks and I got the brains (Vaughn registers this comment and doesn't look too pleased about it.) Marshall: But look, I wanted to propose to Carrie, so I came up with an idea, and I was hoping you could give me some objective feedback. Vaughn (slight sarcasm, raised eyebrows, he can't believe Marshall just said this): I got the looks, you got the brains!? Marshall: Tell me what you think and be brutal okay? Just be honest. Don't uh, hold back or anything okay (Marshall climbs in behind a full drum kit in his workshop. Vaughn stands before him, arms crossed, still rather annoyed by the “looks and brains” comment.) Marshall (tapping on cymbal and snare drum): You're the micro in my chip; the giga in my byte. I think about you, Carrie, every morning, noon and night .morning, noon and night Vaughn: That's Marshall (cutting Vaughn off. He's not done. Going whole hog on the kit now .): Kid! We had sushi! (Vaughn puts his hand over his eyes in embarrassment as if he cannot believe this. Marshall wails on the drums (he's good, by the way). Vaughn crosses his arms again, waiting, then checks his watch as if to say, “God, when is this gonna end!?” Marshall finishes his drum solo and goes back to the soft snare drum and cymbal.) Marshall: I'll protect you, can't you see? Carrie, marry me I love you (closes his eyes as he slowly trails off the cymbal, then opens them, looking up at Vaughn hopefully.) (Vaughn smiles encouragingly.) Marshall: No good? Vaughn: I I think she's gonna say yes. Marshall: Really? Because of the rock jam song? Vaughn: Maybe in spite of the rock jam song. Marshall (relieved): All right! (Beeping emits from Marshall's desk.) Marshall: Oh! Hey your thing's ready (Vaughn walks over to Marshall's desk and retrieves the PDA.) Vaughn: Thanks, Marshall. (He walks out, giving Marshall a little amused smile.) Marshall: Rock on! (Cut to black. SOFIA. Push through the F. A helicopter flies over the city at night. Cut to Vaughn and Sydney inside the helicopter, both wearing headsets.) Vaughn: Sloane put Allison on the ground 20 minutes ago Voice (over comms): Sir, we have a visual (Cut in to their monitors following a car down on the street.) Sydney: There she is. (pause) What is that place? Vaughn: It looks abandoned, like an old hotel. Do you have an address? Sydney: Yeah. 14205 Beckerman. Vaughn: Okay, I'll tell the pilot. (over comms) Put us down near 14205 Beckerman. (Sydney picks up Marshall's device, looking at it.) Sydney: What kind of range does this thing have? Vaughn: Marshall said it should track the signal of the chip Allison's using from about 50 yards. But then he also said that it could be set off by certain microwave ovens Sydney: Well, that's great. Vaughn: Yeah. (Cut to two figures climbing an outdoor back staircase. It's Vaughn and Sydney. Sydney pulls out a portable blowtorch and starts opening the lock as Vaughn watches the progress on the device.) Sydney: Do you have a signal? Vaughn: Well, either Allison's in there, or someone's making microwave popcorn (Sydney gets the lock off and opens the door.) Sydney: Let's go. (Syd and Vaughn access the building. Cut to Allison, walking down a hallway. Cut back to Syd and Vaughn, following her signal.) Sydney: Where is she? Vaughn (starting to jog): Hold on (They jog through a lobby and up a staircase. As they reach the top and turn left ) Vaughn (slightly out of breath): She's 30 feet down on the left. (Vaughn and Sydney approach the door with guns drawn and then enter. The tracker goes bezerk. Then turn the corner. The vault's already open; the device is gone. The tooth has been left behind.) Vaughn: We can't track her without the chip. (Sydney and Vaughn turn just as a shadow crosses the wall in the hallway behind them. Sydney and Vaughn start to follow.) Vaughn: I'll go this way. Sydney: Okay. (They split up. Cut to Syd, running down a hallway. Cut to Vaughn running down a different hallway. Cut to someone going down a flight of stairs. Sydney comes barreling down the staircase behind Allison.) Sydney (over comms): She's in the west stairwell. (Cut to Vaughn.) Vaughn: Copy! (Cut to Allison running through what appears to be the kitchen of the hotel while Sydney shoots at her. Sydney slides across the metal table to get to the other side. Cut to Sydney entering the lobby. She slows, looking around, when suddenly, Allison comes out from behind a pillar, knocking Sydney to the ground. Allison draws her gun on Sydney.) Allison: Well, this is familiar, isn't it? Oh, I was thinking about this all last night; I couldn't sleep. If I follow my orders If I don't kill you; you're gonna kill me. Sorry about Francie; I was just following orders. (Allison doesn't look a bit sorry. In fact, she looks as if she's supremely enjoying herself.) Once I'd been doubled, I had to take her place (Cut to flashback. Francie is in her restaurant, back to the camera. She's talking on the phone.) Francie: We did, like, 80 dinners. We're like a huge success! (pause. She thinks she hears something turns around. There's nothing there. Calling out to the empty restaurant.) Hello? (Turns back around) Mom, I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just a second, okay? (Allison walks up behind Francie. Francie puts the call on hold and turns around, looking at Allison in complete shock. Allison points a gun at Francie's face.) Francie (shocked and frightened): What ? Allison: Move into the kitchen. (Francie backs up slowly as Allison inches forward. Francie can't believe what she's seeing.) Francie (in soft, shocked voice): You're me! Allison: I am now. (Francie backs through the kitchen door. Allison shoots her. Francie falls backward onto the wall and slides down, bullet hole in her forehead. Blood smears down the wall from the back of her head. Allison picks up the phone that Francie dropped and takes it off hold.) Allison: Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. (End flashback.) Allison: I had nothing against her; she was just a casualty of circumstance. Don't blame yourself, Syd there was no way you have known. Just like when you recovered Rambaldi's journal, you had no idea it contained a formula. Sydney: What are you talking about? Allison: A formula for a medication that would ultimately be used to help heal my wounds. So yeah you almost killed me (cocks gun viciously) but you also saved my life. (Cut to close up of Allison's finger on the trigger as she starts to pull it. Sydney kicks the gun out of her hand as it discharges in another direction. Another girl fight ensues, much shorter than the last. It ends with both of them picking up their guns, but Sydney shoots first. Allison's body falls backward into the empty water fountain in the middle of the lobby. Cut to slow motion of Sydney breathing a sigh of relief as Vaughn comes running up behind her. He puts a hand on her arm, looks at her as if to assess if she's all right. Close up on Allison's prone body as a pair of hands unzips the top of her jacket and removes the device, then checks for a pulse.) Sydney (talking on a telephone): I shot her and we got the device. I know what you wanted but she had a pulse. (Cut to Dixon, reacting to this news.) Dixon: Where is she now? (Cut back to Sydney, holding the phone in one hand, an ice pack to the side of her head with the other.) Sydney: They've taken her to a hospital. Dixon (voiceover): Civilian ambulance? Sydney: Yeah with an armed guard. Why? (Cut to Dixon. He's not pleased.) Dixon: I'll call about having her extradited. I want an update on her condition as soon as you get it. (Cut to Sydney) Sydney: Okay. (Cut to Dixon) Dixon: Good work, Sydney. (Cut to Sydney) Sydney: Thank you. (Cut back to Dixon in his office, brooding.) Vaughn (speaking to an officer in a foreign language): What do you mean they never got there? Officer (in foreign language): The ambulance left twenty minutes ago, but the hospital is only ten minutes away. Vaughn (in foreign language): Did you try the radio? Officer (in foreign language): Of course. They don't answer. (Sydney approaches, saying something to the officer and he walks away.) Sydney (to Vaughn): The Rambaldi book; do you remember a formula for a medication? Vaughn: No. Sydney: (sighs) We've gotta find that ambulance. (Cut to a police van driving down a dark street. It's pouring. Cut to inside the van.) Sydney: Are you sure this is the route they would have taken? Vaughn: That's what he said. This is the only way to the hospital. Officer: Yes, there is no other. (Cut to view as they turn a corner. A vehicle is tipped over on its side. A body lays in the street. They get closer and stop. It's the ambulance. Vaughn and Sydney get out of the police van. Both Vaughn and Sydney are instantly drenched in the downpour. Vaughn bends to check for a pulse on the body in the street. Sydney walks over to check inside the ambulance. She looks inside the back of the van. The medic or guard inside appears dead. Allison is nowhere in sight. Vaughn approaches the back of the ambulance too, looking inside in disbelief.) Vaughn: What? This makes no sense! If Allison had backup, they would have been with her at the hotel! (Sydney looks around into the night and then says) Sydney: I don't think she needed backup. (Vaughn's face registers his shock.) Vaughn: What do you mean? Sydney: I think she did this herself. Vaughn: The medic said she barely had a pulse! Sydney (more certain now): I know! (pause) She did this, Vaughn. She did this. (Cut to Vaughn's uncertain face. He looks back into the ambulance again. Cut to Sydney's face. Cut to black. ALIAS. End of Act Five.)
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[INT. GRISSOM'S PLACE - KITCHEN -- DAY] (BLUR IN on a glassware pot on the stove.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) Nobody knew he was coming, Conrad. Nobody knew his name. (Grissom is making soup.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) Well, if you'd stop talking for a minute, you'd understand. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COURTHOUSE - JURY ROOM - DAY] (The large jury room is empty.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) The investigation's been compromised. Lives are at risk. (CUT TO: A legal pad and file are placed on the conference table. Another set of paper and file is placed on the table.) (CUT TO: The jurors are sworn in. There's a board with crime scene photos up in the background.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) How many people do the right thing anymore? Have a conscience? Don Cook didn't even know what he saw. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Don Cook sits at the interview table.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) El Matocho doesn't kill for the thrill or because he was abused as a child. [EXT. NIGHT] (Emilio Alvarado walks away and under a lamppost. It's light enough to identify him. The large tattooed letters on the back of his head are easily identified: L-A-T.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) He kills because it's his answer to everything. (He walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NIGHT] (A car is on fire, burning from the inside.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) I had him eyewitnessed. It was enough for an indictment. No indictment, no trial. He goes free and La Tijera gets stronger. So don't patronize me by saying this might be an accident. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NIGHT] (Fire crew and other personnel are at the site, the car fire is out and smolders. It's covered with foam.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) I'm not asking you for advice here, I'm telling you: I want Grissom. (A black car pulls off the side of the road. The door opens and Madeline Klein steps out of the car. She's on the phone continuing her conversation with Conrad Ecklie.) Madeline Klein: (to phone) Maybe the reception sucks out here. (She closes the car door and heads for the site.) Madeline Klein: (to phone) I said I want Grissom. Say I asked for him personally. (She hangs up.) (She walks over to the forensic techs standing near the site drinking coffee and waiting.) Madeline Klein: I don't want anyone touching anything. Thanks for all your help, guys. Tech: (o.s.) Yes, ma'am. (She turns and walks over to Brass.) Madeline Klein: Case is reassigned to Grissom. Brass: He's home sick, Maddy. Madeline Klein: Yeah, I heard all about it from Ecklie. Blah, blah, blah. The point that he and you seem to be missing is that I have 18 grand jurists sifting through evidence, trying to help me indict one of the deadliest gangs this city has ever ... Robbins: (shouts, interrupts) Who's in charge of the scene?! (Robbins, a coroner's assistant and David Phillips are with the body. David is examining the body.) (Brass points to Maddy.) Madeline Klein: I am. (mutters) For God's sake. (Maddy and Brass head for the body.) Madeline Klein: Madeleine Klein, Deputy DA. Robbins: Albert Robbins, Clark County Coroner. Brass: Talk to me, David. David Phillips: Confirms it's Don Cook. (David hands the wallet to Brass.) Madeline Klein: This is on us. Brass: What do you got, Doc? Robbins: Other than the obvious burns over the better part of his body, there's this. (David and the assistant roll the body to show the wound on the back.) Brass: He was shot. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRISSOM'S PLACE - NIGHT] (Grissom is in the kitchen cooking soup. An aria plays over the sound system. Grissom coughs and it's obvious he's sick.) (Hank sits on the kitchen floor nearby.) (Grissom stirs the soup cooking on the stove. He tastes it with a wooden spoon. The phone rings.) (Grissom picks up his cell phone and looks at it.) 4:00 AM CALL FROM ECKLIE (Grissom turns the phone off.) (Hank makes a sympathetic bark. Grissom turns and looks at Hank. Hank looks back at him.) FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY -- DAY] (Two police cars are parked at angles on the road and a strip of crime scene tape is tied between them to block the roadway. Catherine is doing a walk-through on the road as she talks to Grissom on the phone.) Catherine: (to phone) Let me run it down for you. Isolated stretch of Route 2, burned car on the shoulder, burned male victim out of the car 20 feet away. (She walks past Greg, who is busy with a clipboard. A scarf is wrapped around his neck. She continues toward Madeline Klein, who is standing near her car.) Catherine: (to phone) Single gunshot wound to the lower back. Passing motorist called it in. Fire department arrived within 12 minutes. Fire burned so hot, they had to use foam to put it out, which, of course, is never good for us. Madeline Klein: Where is he? (Maddy takes the phone from Catherine and walks as she talks. Catherine walks along with her.) Madeline Klein: (to phone) I've been waiting over an hour for you. What, are you walking here? (pauses) How many times have I gotten out of bed in the middle of the night for you, Gil? (pause) Yeah. Yeah, well, I'd like to phone it in, too. I left an AA meeting for this. That trumps walking pneumonia. (Maddy hands the phone back to Catherine.) Madeline Klein: Here you go, eyes-and-ears. (Maddy turns and leaves.) Catherine: We'll keep in touch. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. GRISSOM'S PLACE - DAY] (Grissom pours a packet of powder into his drink.) Catherine: (from phone) So the Deputy DA got out of bed for you? Whose bed? Grissom: (to phone) Talk to me about the road. Catherine: (from phone) All right. (Catherine is on the road. Warrick is there snapping photos.) Catherine: (to phone) The debris path starts approximately 100 yards from where the vehicle came to rest. (Warrick puts an evidence marker down on the road.) Grissom: (from phone) Show me what you see. (Catherine takes photos of the road around her and e-mails the photos to Grissom. She heads for the burned car.) [INT. GRISSOM'S PLACE -- DAY] (Grissom sits on the couch as he works on the laptop. Hank lies on the couch behind him.) (He opens the first e-mail photo and looks at it.) Gil.Grissom @ lvpd.csi.com Catherine Willows(a)lvpd.csi.com Case #080403 - 1916 GG Crime Scene Photos Date: 04/03/08 Time: 8:13 AM ) (Warrick notes Greg is wrapped with his scarf around his neck.) Warrick: What are you doing, a catalog shoot? Where's your matching hat with your pom-pom? Greg: Leave me alone. I have a cold. (looks at clipboard) So, based on the debris pattern, the victim was driving the car when the blaze started. Swerving all over the road. Probably because he was on fire. (Warrick and Greg look down the road.) START: VISUALIZATION (The victim's car zooms through the road. It is on fire as it swerves this way and that, tires screeching. It heads straight through Warrick.) (Greg turns and watches the car swerve off the side of the road and stop where the current burned car is.) END: VISUALIZATION (Greg looks at Warrick.) Greg: What do you think? Warrick: Sounds about right. (Catherine approaches the burned car and takes a photo of the back end.) (She moves in closer and notes a discarded shoe on the grass near the closed driver-side door. She hears a loud sneeze.) Catherine: Gesundheit. (Nick sniffles. He's in front of the car) Nick: Thanks. Boy, I hope I'm not getting sick. I'm not finding any pour patterns on the exterior. The hood and the front quarter panels are down to the primer and the front tires are burnt down to the rim. Think the fire probably started in the engine compartment. Catherine: New car engines don't catch fire, not by accident. Nick: Now we'll have to get it back to the lab for a closer look. Catherine: And guys on fire don't stop to close doors. (Catherine snaps a photo of the closed door.) Nick: No, no, I talked to the battalion chief about that. He said the driver's side was open when his boys showed up, and that the pressure from the hose probably closed it. Catherine: Probably? (mutters) Hosers. (Catherine looks at the back of the car.) Catherine: Nick, come here. (Nick joins her. She points to the back of the car.) Catherine: Um. Clear that off, would you? (Nick wipes the foam off the bumper to reveal a tag: L-A-T.) Nick: "L-A-T." That's La Tijera's tag. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRISSOM'S PLACE - DAY] (Grissom is in his bathrobe as he goes to answer the front door. Maddy walks in carrying a file box.) Madeline Klein: Boy, you look like hell. I need sugar. You got a soda? (Grissom closes the door.) Grissom: Nice to see you, too, Maddy. (Maddy puts the file box down on the table. Grissom heads down the steps and toward the kitchen.) Madeline Klein: Six months' worth of investigation; two months working with the grand jury; five low-level indictments against the LATs. Why you? (mutters) 'Cause you're the only one who won't screw it up. Grissom: My team won't screw it up. Madeline Klein: Oh, right. Your team. Warrick Brown got mixed up with a crooked judge. Sanders ran down a civilian while on duty. Ms. Willows lied about being at a crime scene, among other things. (Maddy holds a disk and opens the file box.) Madeline Klein: And who can forget Stokes, your straight arrow? Suspected of killing his hooker girlfriend. (Grissom returns.) How does the song go? "You call me up, I get 'em out of it"? If it weren't for me, you'd have no team. Grissom: Are you done? (He opens the soda can and offers it to her.) Madeline Klein: Sorry. You have a ... ? (She holds up the disk. Grissom takes it from her and gives her the soda.) (Grissom goes to play the disk. Maddy sits down.) Madeline Klein: This was recorded two weeks ago. This guy had no idea that what he saw was the key to bringing down La Tijera and their leader, El Matocho. (Grissom picks up the remote and plays the disk as he settles on the couch. It's a video recording of Brass' interview with Don Cook date-stamped March 19, 2008, at 1:18 PM.) Don Cook: (from dvd) Okay, I know this is my third violation, but I was not speeding. I-I blew past that light because I had a fight with my wife. Brass: (from dvd) Listen, you're not here for a traffic violation, okay? Now, after you ran the red light, the street camera didn't pick you up at the next intersection. Where'd you go? Don Cook: (from dvd) Okay, look, I, I cannot have my license suspended. I have a vending machine business. Brass: (from dvd) You're not here for a traffic violation. Let's get that straight. Now, did you see anyone in particular? Do you remember that night? Don Cook: (from dvd) Yeah, yeah, no. Um, yeah, there was, there was a guy who walked past my car. Brass: (from dvd) Okay. Don Cook: (from dvd) I thought I was gonna get robbed on top of everything else. Brass: (from dvd) Can you identify him, hmm? Don Cook: (from dvd) Sure, yeah. He walked under a streetlight. I saw him. I saw him real clear. He, um ... He was Hispanic ... uh ... I don't know, bald, scary looking. (Maddy pauses the video and goes through the file folder.) Madeline Klein: "LAT" carved into the cheek of the victim is the signature of El Matocho, La Tijera's number one. (She hands Grissom a photo. On it is "LAT" carved on a man's cheek.) Madeline Klein: He killed gang leader, Little Gordo, but he was a ghost--no face, no name. INSERT: FLASHBACK [INT. CAR (PARKED) -- NIGHT] (Don Cook is in his car and parks. He looks out and sees Alvarado walking away.) Madeline Klein: (V.O.) Until Don Cook ID'd Emilio Alvarado coming out of Little Gordo's house around the time of the murder. RESUME SCENE. (Grissom looks at the photos.) Madeline Klein: Turns out Alvarado was caught up in a gang sweep day after the murder. Parole violation. He got 30 days. PD thought he was just another lowlife. Due to be released in 52 hours. Can't indict Alvarado with a dead witness. We need to prove conspiracy. Grissom: You need to prove that Alvarado ordered a hit on your witness. Madeline Klein: How long do you think it'll take you to bone up on these and put a suit on? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - DAY] (Cody Cook, Don Cook's wife, takes out a cigarette and looks at Brass. She sits on the couch in Brass' office.) Cody Cook: Can I smoke in here? Brass: Uh, no. It's a ... it's a government building. (She toys with the unlit cigarette. Brass pulls up a chair and sits down.) Brass: I'm very sorry for your loss. So when was the last time you saw Don? Cody Cook: Last night. We go to my folks' house every Sunday. Brass: Mrs. Cook, did you know that your husband was going to testify before a grand jury? Cody Cook: We talked about it. I told him I didn't want him to do it. But he found out about this girl, what the gang did to her. Brass: Did he confide in anyone else? Cody Cook: He said it was a secret. Brass: Did you tell anyone? Cody Cook: No. Well ... sort of. I told my mom and dad and my best friend, Jenny. She's my hairdresser. I tell her everything. Brass: I'm gonna need their phone numbers. Cody Cook: Did I do something wrong? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (The victim's partially burned body is on the table as David stands above it taking photos. Robbins stands behind the body, working on it. Catherine walks in.) Catherine: Oh, hey, Dave, nice haircut. What gives? (David steps down from the stepladder.) David Phillips: Oh, Mrs. Phillips. An extreme makeover. Catherine: Mm. Oh, make sure you get those photos to Grissom. David Phillips: I'm all over it. (David leaves.) Robbins: Sign of a good marriage. Wife still wants to change him. So your vic's burns are concentrated on the face, hands, knees and feet. It's consistent with an engine fire. (Quick flashback to: Don Cook sits in the car behind the steering wheel when the dashboard in front of him catches fire. He puts his hand and arm up to deflect the fire, but it doesn't work.) (He screams.) (He grips the steering wheel and his hands catch on fire. He screams.) (End flashback.) (Robbins hands Catherine a small container with the bullet inside. She looks at it.) Catherine: Jacketed hollowpoint. One cannelure. Looks like a .38. Robbins: Yeah. Entered through the right renal artery. That's COD. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY] (Nick is working under the hood of the car. He pulls out some wires. On the floor at his feet is a mat with various parts removed from the car.) (Nick coughs. He gets back to work. He coughs again.) (Greg walks in.) Greg: Wow. I bet it reeks in here. (Nick looks at him and shakes his head.) Nick: I wouldn't know. Greg: Thank God for stuffy noses. Nick: Yeah. Greg: DA Klein asked Grissom, who asked Catherine, who told me to tell you that we need to figure out if the victim was shot before he got in the car, while he was in the car or after he got out. Nick: Okay ... uh ... there was no blood trail at the scene. Fire pretty much took care of that. And I doubt you're gonna find any trace of blood in that burnt-up driver seat. Greg: Wow, I've got to give her more than that. Nick: Be my guest. (Greg heads over to the car. He coughs and sneezes. Nick continues working under the hood.) (Greg looks at the front seat. Nick pulls out a piece inside the engine. He coughs.) (Greg examines the seat belt buckle.) Greg: Skin on a seat belt buckle. You know, if I got shot and I'm trying to get away, I'm not gonna take the time to put my seat belt on. Nick: Eliminates the first scenario. Greg: So either the shooter kidnaps him and shot him while he was driving ... Nick: I don't know. Greg, I think we would have found evidence of somebody else inside the vehicle. Greg: Which leaves us with the last scenario. (Quick flashback of: The car is burning. Don Cook is on fire and screaming as he staggers outside the car. Someone else is there holding a gun and fires. End flashback.) Nick: I think I just found my reason for getting out of bed this morning. (Nick pulls out a piece of burned cloth.) Nick: Check it out. The same guy that tampered with the car could have followed. Made sure the job was done. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COURTHOUSE - JURY ROOM - DAY] (Madeline Klein and Grissom break the news to the grand jury.) Marie Leahy (juror): Who killed him? Juror 1 (woman): Do you have evidence that the witness was murdered? Random Juror (man): How did they kill him? Madeline Klein: One at a time, Miss Leahy. Marie Leahy (juror): Do you know who killed him? Grissom: We don't know yet. Our investigation is still ongoing. Juror 2 (man): What was the guy gonna tell us? Madeline Klein: Until Dr. Grissom can corroborate Mr. Cook's testimony, I can't tell you the content. Tim O'Shea (juror): Mr. O'Shea. We've been locked up in here ten hours a day, two months, all cloak-and-dagger. La Tijera doesn't know we're investigating them, so they couldn't know about the witness. Grissom: Well, we found their signature at the crime scene. So it's possible they do know. Tim O'Shea: If they got to this witness, could they get to us? I have a family. Random Juror (man): (o.s.) So do I. Marie Leahy: I want to know how the gang found out about Don Cook. Tim O'Shea: Me, too. Or else I want off this jury. (Grissom and Maddy exchange looks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRISSOM'S PLACE] (Grissom opens the door and finds Brass in the hallway holding some files.) Brass: Hi. I ... uh ... brought some more files on the case. (Grissom looks at Brass.) Brass: Got any coffee? Grissom: I got lots of tea. Brass: Good. (Brass walks in. Grissom closes the door. Brass heads inside.) Brass: You know, when we first asked Cook to testify he said no, and ... uh ... but ... you know, I couldn't let it go. (They stop at the counter where Grissom prepares the cup of tea as he listens.) Brass: So I called him up about a week later and ... uh ... took him to lunch and I showed him a picture of ... uh ... of a girl that they had killed, you know. She was 16, innocent, beautiful. She was raped, shot, and urinated on. And when that didn't kill her, they slit her throat. So I had him on the hook. When I told him that ... uh ... you know, if he testified, I'd protect him and his family if the case ever came to trial. On Friday, he called Maddy, said he changed his mind, he'd testify. And on Sunday ... he was dead. I couldn't protect him. (Grissom hands him the cup of tea.) Brass: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (Nick is still working on the car. He picks up a heavy tray of car parts and groans. He coughs as he carries the tray to the counter. He drops the tray on the counter and quickly covers his mouth to cough. He looks at his gloved hands.) Nick: Oh. (He removes his gloves, tosses them aside and grabs the glove box only to find it empty.) (Warrick walks in.) Warrick: Hey, buddy. Nick: (turns around) Hey. Warrick: Oh, man, you look beat up. Nick: I feel beat up. Warrick: Why don't you ... uh ... take a break. I got this. Nick: No, no, I'm cool. I can push through it. Warrick: Yeah. (Warrick chuckles.) Warrick: You're ... uh ... breaking the lab's budget for rubber gloves here, dawg. Listen, get some rest, man. You'd do the same for me. Nick: Yeah, okay. I processed the driver's side. I was about to get to the passenger's side glove box. (heads out) I owe you one, man. Warrick: Yeah, you do. (Nick sneezes as he leaves.) Warrick: Ooh. (Warrick opens the passenger side door and gets to work. He picks up a crowbar and pries the burned glove compartment open. He sticks his hand inside and pulls out the bottom of the compartment.) (Warrick is at the worktable and chisels away at the melted hard plastic. He finds a revolver.) (Warrick cleans the base of the revolver and finds the registration number: CC89048Z.) (He runs the number through the ATF database: FIREARM SERIAL NO: CC8 9048Z MAKE: SMITH & WESSON MODEL: MODEL 36 CALIBER: .38 SPECIAL (.38+P) (He finds a match: NAME: RICHARD P. O'MALLEY ADDRESS: 26887 ROUTE 2, NORTH LAS VEGAS FIREARM SERIAL NO: CC8 9048Z MAKE: SMITH & WESSON [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROAD / O'MALLEY RESIDENCE - DAY] (Brass' car turns into the O'Malley driveway. He parks.) (Brass gets out of the car and heads for the front door.) Cue Sound: (PRE-LAP) DOOR KNOCKING [EXT. O'MALLEY RESIDENCE - DAY] (Richard O'Malley opens the door.) Brass: Mr. O'Malley? Detective Jim Brass. Can I talk to you again? Richard O'Malley: Sure. Brass: Ballistics has confirmed that your son-in-law was killed with your gun. Richard O'Malley: Wait a minute. You told me this morning he died in a car fire. Brass: I know what I told you, but why didn't you tell me about the gun? (Mrs. O'Malley walks past carrying a laundry basket. She pauses to listen.) Brass: How did it end up in his car? Richard O'Malley: (to his wife) Go inside. (She walks away.) (to Brass) I gave it to him. Brass: Why? Richard O'Malley: Because he asked me for it. (Quick flashback to: Richard O'Malley shows the gun to Don Cook.) Richard O'Malley: All right, look, it's got five rounds in it. There's no safety on it. (He gives the gun to Don.) Don Cook: So all I got to do is just point it and shoot it? Richard O'Malley: Yeah. Now look, if you think you're being followed, don't be a hero. Call the police. (End flashback. Resume.) Richard O'Malley: Hey, look, I begged Donnie not to testify. He and Cody had everything to lose. They were doing great with their vending machines. No grandkids yet, but that's probably 'cause their marriage was shaky already. Cody has her mother's temper. She loved him, though. We all did. Brass: Look, as long as I'm out here, do you mind if I look around? Richard O'Malley: My wife and daughter are pretty upset. I don't want you guys in here bothering them anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] VARIOUS CUTS: (A CSI puts filler in a bullet casing and puts it in a Smith and Wesson.) (He places the revolver on the heating surface and turns it on.) (The temperature rises.) (The gun on the surface smokes.) (The temperature continues to rise.) (It reaches 400 degrees. The gun fires.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (Greg places the gun in the glove compartment of a similar type car. He places a dummy on the driver's seat. A trajectory rod sticks out of the dummy's back. Greg has to turn the dummy toward the door to get it to line up with the gun in the glove compartment.) Grissom: (V.O.) CSI Sanders confirmed that the trajectory of the gun lined up with the victim's body as he tried to exit the vehicle. (Quick flash to: The car is on fire. FOCUS on the glove compartment.) (Inside the glove compartment, the gun is heating up.) (CGI POV of: The bullet inside the gun is heating up.) Grissom: (V.O.) The engine fire would have reached approximately 400 degrees within two minutes. (SLOW MOTION: The bullet fires out of the muzzle, out of the glove compartment and hits Don Cook's back.) Grissom: (V.O.) Enough heat was transmitted to the glove box to cause the gun inside to discharge. (End flashback.) [INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY] (Grissom explains what happened to Maddy and the judge.) Grissom: Witness was killed by his own gun. Judge: Do you know who set the fire? Grissom: No, Your Honor, not yet. Madeline Klein: CSI found La Tijera's tag painted on the car's rear bumper. Judge: You can't charge the entire gang, counsel. Madeline Klein: Alvarado's set to be released in just over 24 hours. If he gets out ... we lose him forever. Grissom: We need a warrant to search his apartment. Judge: I can't give you a warrant just because she doesn't want him to get out of jail. Where's your probable cause? Madeline Klein: You saw the video. Cook placed Alvarado at the house at the time of the murder. Judge: Mere presence. Counsel, I got to get back to my trial. Grissom: Your Honor, Alvarado is an admitted member of La Tijera. Their initials were carved into the cheek of the murder victim in the house that Alvarado was seen exiting. We need the clothes that Alvarado was wearing that night. Madeline Klein: Hopefully, he didn't have time to do his laundry. Judge: The grand jurors are on board with this? Madeline Klein: They will be, Your Honor. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAR (TRAVELING) - DAY] (Warrick is driving through the neighborhood - young men hanging out on the side of the roads, graffiti on the walls.) [EXT. ALVARADO'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY] (He stops his car in front of Alvarado's apartment building. He grabs a kit and gets out.) Warrick: Hey, Griss. Restocked your case. You were low on batteries and pheno. (Grissom takes his kit.) Grissom: Thank you. Warrick: You're welcome. (They head for the building.) Warrick: (reading file) Apartment 5967. Alvarado's crib. Hey, Grissom, I got tickets to the Rebels tomorrow night. If you're feeling any better and you want to check it out. Grissom: I'll be in bed. (They head up the stairs to the second floor.) BOOM! (The apartments above explode, knocking Warrick off the stairs and Grissom backward.) (Grissom and Warrick exchange looks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ALVARADO'S APARTMENT -- DAY] (The inside is burned and the firefighters leave. Warrick and Grissom are looking around.) Grissom: You feeling okay? Warrick: Yeah. My ears are still ringing, though. This place reeks of sulfur. (Warrick finds something and snaps a photo.) Warrick: I found about ten of these butane cans so far. Any evidence that's here is gone. (He takes more photos. Grissom looks at the walls.) Grissom: Yeah, well, there's burn patterns all over these walls. They must have splashed butane all over everything. (Quick flash to: Someone sprays the walls. End flash.) Grissom: And butane dissipates quick. Warrick: The other guy was probably watching us the whole time. Grissom: There's nails all over the place. Warrick: Grissom, I think I found the point of origin. Grissom: Green plastic. Sugar, butane, and nails. Add some egg whites in a soda bottle. You got a MacGyver bomb. Crude, but it works. Warrick: I think they were looking to do more than just destroy evidence. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD WALL - DAY] (Officer Mitchell and other officers have gang members lined up with their hands against the walls. The items in their pockets are on the ground behind them. Grissom and Warrick walk over to them.) Warrick: You running for warrants, Mitch? Officer Mitchell: Yeah. Warrick: Impound their cars. Officer Mitchell: You got it. (Warrick and Grissom look at the gang members. Grissom smells the back of one of the men. He goes to the next gang member, looks at the contents on the ground and smells him.) (He moves to the next gang member, looks at the contents on the ground, which includes a lighter and some cigarettes. He smells him.) Grissom: Mitch, I want to see this guy's hands. Donny Gomez: You ain't a cop, fool. Warrick: He's bigger than a cop. Show him your hands, princess. Donny Gomez: They're clean. Want to lick 'em and find out? (Warrick grabs Gomez by his arm, twists it back and looks at his hand.) Warrick: You think this is a game? Huh? This one's clean. (He looks at his other hand.) Warrick: What about this one? Clean. Grissom: Turn his pockets. (Officer Mitchell looks at Gomez's pockets. Sugar falls out.) Officer Mitchell: Sugar. Warrick: What's this? You been baking cookies? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PD - OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY] (Madeline Klein watches as Brass interviews Donny Gomez.) Brass: So, who gave you the order to torch that apartment? Donny Gomez: I don't know what you're talkin' about. [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM] Brass: And why that apartment? Who do you know lives there? Donny Gomez: Nobody. I got a mental illness. I'm a firebug. I'm loco. (Maddy walks out of the room.) Brass: You're loco? Donny Gomez: Who knows? (The door opens and Maddy walks in.) Donny Gomez: Maybe I'll set the lawyer lady's house on fire. Madeline Klein: Hey, little man with the big mouth. It doesn't matter what you say, 'cause all your boys are going to hear is that you rolled on Alvarado. (Gomez surges to his feet. His hands are cuffed behind his back. The officer grabs his shoulders. Brass stands up as well.) Brass: Sit down. Madeline Klein: Just bought yourself another ten years. I'm going to hand-pick your cell mate. (Maddy leaves.) [EXT. PD - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] (Brass and Maddy exit the room and start down the hallway.) Brass: Well, that didn't help. Madeline Klein: That kid wouldn't roll if I gave him a night with Jessica Alba. Brass: You're really good at making enemies, Maddy. Madeline Klein: That's why I'm unlisted, divorced and carry a gun. Brass: Did you take Cook back to Little Gordo's house? You know, maybe to verify his story? Madeline Klein: Yeah, I always take my secret witnesses on a bus tour of the "hood." Brass: You know, when Don Cook first refused to testify that he saw Alvarado come out of Little Gordo's house, you know what I did? I took him to an out-of-town diner and bought him a cup of coffee. What'd you do? Madeline Klein: I went to Little Gordo's. (Brass nods. Maddy gets it.) Madeline Klein: Damn it. Good job, Maddy. They saw me. I can't even blame it on the booze. All they had to do was trail me back to the courthouse and watch me go into the security entrance with 18 escorted jurors. That's how they knew grand jury. Damn it! (She sighs. Brass is quiet.) Madeline Klein: This is where you're supposed to say, "It's okay. It could happen to anyone. It's not your fault Don Cook is dead." (He looks at her.) Madeline Klein: Like hell it isn't. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Nick turns the corner and coughs.) Hodges: (shouts) Hey, Nick! (Hodges is in the lab. He heads out and is holding a report.) Hodges: You've got an artful tagger. Nick: What? (Hodges exits to the hallway to join Nick.) Hodges: Don Cook's car bumper. Gangbanger blended his green with another color. Not visible to the human eye. Of course, I caught it. Nick: You mean the GCMS caught it? Hodges: Well, if that's a hair you want to split. Suspect used green paint with a hint of cerulean blue. Probably for impact. (Nick coughs. Hodges turns his head away. Nick clears his throat as he leaves.) Hodges: You know, in China people wear masks when they're sick. It's considered impolite to infect your coworkers. Nick: (over his shoulder) Maybe you should go work in China. Hodges: Maybe you should wear a mask. (Hodges heads back to the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAIL - DAY] (Warrick is at the entrance desk collecting a box of Alvarado's things from the guard.) Warrick: Now, this is everything Alvarado had and was wearing when they arrested him? (The guard hands him the box over the counter.) Warrick: Thank you. (The door buzzes. The guard lets Warrick through.) VARIOUS SHOTS (Warrick is in a room. He pulls out a COLLARED SHIRT from the package. It's still new, creased and has the sticker size on the front. He removes a pair of shoes and puts it on the table.) (He turns on his portable ALS and sweeps it across the clothing. He checks the soles of the shoes, which appear to be incredibly clean. He smells it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAIL - ISOLATION HALLWAY - DAY] (Warrick and SPECIAL GUARD RON PEN walk down the hallway toward Emilio Alvarado's cell.) Guard Ron Pen: He's been in isolation for two weeks. I could tell you everything he's got in his cell. They assigned me special. Warrick: Does he get any yard time? Guard Ron Pen: Nope. I take him for hall walks. Not allowed any contact with anybody but me. Why do you need to see him? Warrick: Just want to rattle his cage a bit. That cool with you? Guard Ron Pen: Good luck. (They arrive at the cell where Emilio Alvarado is sitting on his bed and reading a book.) Guard Ron Pen: Hey, Alvarado, get up. (shouts) Cell check! (Alvarado's cell door opens. Alvarado looks at Warrick. He gets up and steps out of his cell.) Voice: (over pa) Cell block 3 is now in lockdown. Cell block 3, now in lockdown. (Warrick pulls the sheets off the bed and snaps a photo. He continues to look through Alvarado's things. He snaps more photos.) (Warrick picks up the book Alvarado was reading and he flips through it. He puts it down.) Warrick: So, you always clean your boots with bleach, El Matocho? (Alvarado laughs.) Warrick: Something funny? Emilio Alvarado: Matocho. Nonsense word. You know where this name comes from? There's a legend in Central America. This man, he woke up in a bad mood. Killed eight members of his family with a machete and then went and had breakfast. Matar. To kill. Ocho. Eight. "To kill eight." El Matocho. (Alvarado laughs at his own cleverness. Warrick doesn't find it funny at all.) Warrick: That's great. The way I see it, you're going to have lots of time to tell all kinds of great stories. (Warrick turns and leaves. Emilio Alvarado: Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. (The guard lets Alvarado back into his cell.) (The cell door closes.) Greg: (PRE-LAP) (V.O.) Alvarado is a suspect in three cases. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (Grissom, Nick and Greg go over the case. Greg indicates a photo with "L-A-T" carved in the victim's cheek.) Greg: First, he allegedly kills Little Gordo. (Greg puts a photo of Don Cool down on the table.) Greg: Then, the only witness who could identify him is killed. And last, but certainly not least, he allegedly orders Raphael Gomez to blow up his apartment. Nick: La Tijera is responsible for all three crimes. Tags at both scenes, and Gomez is an admitted member of the gang. According to Hodges, the tagger didn't use spray paint. He used an oil-based specialty paint. Greg: Well, that doesn't make any sense. Grissom: You got photos? (Nick turns to get the photos. Grissom barely has time to take out his tissue when he coughs. Nick waits for Grissom to finish coughing.) Nick: Here you go. (Nick hands the photo to Grissom. Grissom examines the letters under a magnifying glass. It looks perfect. Too perfect.) Grissom: This "L" looks like it was stenciled. (Grissom uses a ruler and a magnifying glass to look at the photo.) Grissom: Then, it looks like the tagger painted over it a second time, to make it look freehand. Nick: What? (Nick takes the magnifying glass and looks at the photo.) Nick: Yeah, those ... uh ... those do look like brush strokes. Greg: Well, gangs don't use paintbrushes. Nick: I assumed the tags were authentic. We've been looking in the wrong direction. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. O'MALLEY RESIDENCE - DAY] (Brass and Nick are back at the O'Malley residence.) Richard O'Malley: (shouts) Cody, come on out here. (to Brass) So, you think this gang messed with Don's car while we were having dinner? Brass: That's what we're here to find out. (Cody exits the house and joins them.) Richard O'Malley: Cody, Mr. Brass wants to talk to you. Brass: Hi, Cody. Nick: Where was your son-in-law's car parked that night? Richard O'Malley: (nods) Right over there. (Nick heads over while Brass continues talking with Cody.) Brass: Okay, tell me again about the day that Don died.) (Nick finds a line of newly painted birdhouses lined up on the low concrete wall.) Nick: Those are nice. Did you make those? Richard O'Malley: Yeah, a hobby of mine after I lost my job. Forced retirement. You know how it goes. Want to buy one? (Nick chuckles. He looks at the open garage.) Nick: You keep the garage door closed when you're not working? Richard O'Malley: Well, it's not like we have any neighbors. Nick: Anything ever gone missing? (Nick looks around inside the garage. He notices a crate of things.) Richard O'Malley: Sure, Cody's taking stuff all the time. She'd rather spend her money on clothes. Kids. Nick: Mind if I take this crate? Richard O'Malley: What for? Nick: Fingerprints. (Nick picks up the crate and takes it out of the garage.) Richard O'Malley: Well, you're going to find mine all over. Nick: That's why I'm going to get yours, too, sir. So I can exclude you. Follow me. (Nick leads Richard O'Malley to the car. They walk past Brass, who is still talking with Cody Cook.) Brass: Now hold on. Help me out here. Cody Cook: I already told you why I wasn't in that car. My husband and I were arguing. He was yelling at me. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Cody and Don are arguing outside the house. Her parents are there watching.) Cody Cook: Okay, I'm having a hard time keeping it straight. You do like my dress? You don't like my dress? Don Cook: Can we please just not talk about this now? Cody Cook: When should we talk about it? Don Cook: Cody, get in the car. Cody Cook: No, I'm not going to get in the car. Don Cook: Listen. I loved the dress till I found out it cost 300 bucks. Cody Cook: Oh, three hun-- Don Cook: You have a closet full of dresses ... get in the car. Cody Cook: No. Not until you apologize. Apologize to my parents! Don Cook: I'm not apologizing. (Don gets into the car and drives away, leaving Cody behind.) Cody: (V.O.) I told him not to call me until the court thing was over. I needed to cool off. (Cody heads back into the house.) (End flashback.) Cody Cook: My dad says I was lucky. Nick: Ma'am, I'm going to need to get your fingerprints, too. Cody Cook: I don't like where this is going. Brass: It's going downtown. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] CU: CODY COOK'S FINGERPRINT CARD [INT. CSI - LAB] (Nick scans the fingerprint card into the system.) (He scans RICHARD O'MALLEY'S fingerprint card into the system.) (CUT TO: Nick grabs the stencils out of the crate and looks through them. He finds a stencil for an "L". There's green paint on the stencil.) (He finds a paint brush with a similar color washed out of the tip.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM A] (Brass interviews Cody Cook.) Brass: So you killed him. And made it look like a gang did it. And then you could buy all the expensive dresses you want. Cody Cook: I loved my husband. I didn't kill him, okay? You don't know me. You don't know my life. [INT. CSI - LAB] (Nick snips a sample off the paint brush.) (He dusts the paint brush handle.) (He tape lifts a print off the paint brush handle and looks at it.) [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Richard O'Malley is in handcuffs. Brass and Nick are in the room with him.) Nick: I found your fingerprints on a stencil. It was the one with green paint all over it. And the paint from one of your paintbrushes is a match to the car. (Richard O'Malley is quiet.) Nick: Your daughter said you disappeared into the garage right after dinner. That's when you stuck the rag in the engine between the catalytic converter and the heat shield. (Richard O'Malley still doesn't respond.) Nick: I think we all know what that did. Hmm? Brass: Hey, you don't want to say anything, fine. Write him up. Process him. (The guard escorts Richard O'Malley to the door. Through the glass, Cody Cook stands out in the hallway watching. They leave.) (Nick and Brass head out the other door.) Nick: You think the daughter had anything to do with it? Brass: No. Cody Cook: (shouts, o.s.) How could you?! Richard O'Malley: (o.s.) How could I what? (Brass and Nick step out into the hallway.) Brass: (to Nick) Cook was her meal ticket. Cody Cook: (shouts, o.s.) You son of a bitch! You were gonna kill your own daughter?! Richard O'Malley: (o.s.) No, I did this for you! (Brass rolls his eyes and heads down the hallway and turns the corner.) Cody Cook: (shouts, o.s.) Over money so you could get our business?! (Brass and Nick turn the corner to find two officers holding Cody and Richard apart.) Richard O'Malley: I would never let you get in that car! Cody Cook: Well, you didn't try to stop me! You just stood there! Richard O'Malley: How many Sundays did you come over and bitch to your mother about that selfish, ungrateful b*st*rd?! Cody Cook: Don wanted to give you the money; I said no! And all those nights Mom and I stayed up talking -- it was about you! Richard O'Malley: You owed me! Cody Cook: I hate you! Richard O'Malley: I did you a favor! Cody Cook: Go to hell! (The guard leads Richard away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (Grissom is working behind his desk. Catherine knocks on the door. Grissom looks up and she enters.) Catherine: Never thought I'd be disappointed that we solved a case. Grissom: Hmm. (She looks at the files he's working on.) Catherine: Court personnel files? Grissom: Reading upside down is a talent. Catherine: What are you looking for? Grissom: The leak. Ninety minutes after the warrant was issued, Alvarado's apartment went up. Catherine: So you're looking at the judge, his staff, the clerk that issued the warrant, court reporter, any cops who knew ... Grissom: Yeah, but according to this, everybody cleared. The only ones left are the grand jurors ... and Maddy Klein. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] (Catherine and Archie head through the hallway toward the A/V lab.) Catherine: Thanks for coming in, Archie, I appreciate it. Archie: Ah. No worries. Wasn't sleeping anyway. (They enter -- [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (Archie grabs his lab coat and puts it on.) Archie: Big surf movie marathon on cable right now. Yeah, Big Wednesday, Endless Summer, Local Boys. Catherine: Dude. Archie: Yeah. Catherine: So we need to review some phone records, and fast. (She shows him the warrant with the list of names: TIMOTHY O'SHEA 702-555-0124 MARIE PEAHY 702-555-0107 CARTER HAYSON 702-555-0189 MAX LINUS 702-555-0197 DRAKE POMAN 702-555-0155 GEORGE VATCHKO 702-555-0188 ARLEN TAMMERLANE 702-555-0175 DARBY VANCE 702-555-0137 COLE ZAMPAS 702-555-0145 LOIS MANSTERS 702-555-0169 GLORIA STEEPS 702-555-0126 MARIA COLT 702-555-0171 BEVERLY SWANTON 702-555-0121 JESSICA VARGE 702-555-0119 CAREY WILKERSON 702-555-0116 TATIANA HOSS 702-555-0122 MONICA CARR 702-555-0103 Archie: Okay. It's going to be tough to go fast with that many names. Catherine: Oh, no. I can narrow it down. It's a 90-minute window, yesterday, at 12:00 noon to 1:30. Just cell phone calls. Archie: Okay. Give me a name and a number. Catherine: Timothy O'Shea. 702-555-0124 (Archie runs the search through the PHONE RECORDS DATABASE.) (The computer beeps and the results appear.) Archie: He called two numbers. Catherine: Do a reverse lookup. Archie: Looks like he called his wife and his home line. Next. Catherine: Cole Zampas ... 702-555-0145 VARIOUS COMPUTER SCREEN OVERLAYS with CATHERINE'S VOICEOVERS ("JESSICA VARGE" is typed into the search.) Catherine: (V.O.) Jessica Varge ... ("DARBY VANCE" is typed into the search.) Catherine: (V.O.) Darby Vance, 555-0137. ("MARIE LEAHY" is entered into the search.) Catherine: (V.O.) Marie Leahy. (The computer beeps.) Archie: Okay. Huh. "No user information". It usually means disposable cell phone. Catherine: Has she called the number before, within the last two weeks? Archie: Monday through Friday, both weeks, she called a different disposable cell phone. That's weird. Catherine: Okay. Try the text messages. Archie: Yeah. (The computer beeps. Archie pulls up the text messages.) Archie: See the pattern? Catherine: Every night around 11:00 p.m., someone texts her a number, which she then calls the next day. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRAND JURY ROOM -- NIGHT] (Grissom and Maddy Klein talk with Marie Leahy.) Grissom: How did they contact you, Miss Leahy? Marie Leahy: Uh ... a few weeks ago, at a gas station near my house, this ... uh ... this woman comes up to me and ... uh ... she knows everything about Peter. That's my ... uh ... little brother in Chicago. He's only 19. Got ten years for something he didn't do. And she said they'd get him out. And they did. Guy just confessed and my brother's set to go free. (crying) Did that witness die because of me? Grissom: Can you give us a description of the woman? (Marie shakes her head.) Marie Leahy: She was white ... uh ... short brown hair ... I'm sorry. I only seen her once. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - MORNING] (Warrick joins Nick in the layout room. Photos and other file material are spread out on the table.) Warrick: Alvarado gets out in the morning. Nick: It is the morning. Warrick: Exactly. (Nick sighs.) Nick: You know, none of these people make a move without a direct order from Alvarado, especially not torching his own place. Warrick: What are you saying? Nick: Well, think about it. When Marie leaked the warrant information, it had to have gone in and out through him somehow. He's the boss. Warrick: I don't see how; the guy's in complete isolation. They even assigned him a special hand-picked guard. Look. (Warrick puts photos of Alvarado's cell in front of Nick.) Warrick: There's no privileges in isolation. Nick: Things still move in and out of his cell: laundry, food. Warrick: The only thing I saw from the outside was a book. They say he's a big reader. But I looked it over; there's nothing. Nick: What about all the other books he's been reading? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAIL - LIBRARY - MORNING] (Grissom puts on his gloves as he looks at the library bookshelves. Alvarado's guard, Ron Pen, stands nearby and watches.) Grissom: How does Alvarado get his books? Ron Pen: It's like a regular library. When a book's checked out, a trustee writes down the inmate's name, booking number and date. Gets checked back in the same way. Grissom: I need to see every book that Alvarado checked out. (Ron Pen opens the log and reads the book titles.) Ron Pen: What Is the What?, The Infinite Plan, and Herzog. Oh ... and The Inferno. Grissom: (looking at shelf) Alphabetical by author? Ron Pen: Mm-hmm. (Grissom goes to the shelves on the side of the room.) Grissom: David Eggers. (He finds the book What is the What and flips through it.) Grissom: There's pages missing. (Grissom looks around for the next book.) Grissom: Allende. (He finds The Infinite Plan. He flips through it and finds pages ripped out.) Grissom: How many books has he read in the last 48 hours? Ron Pen: Two. (reaches for a book on the shelf) He said he didn't like this one; returned it yesterday afternoon. (He hands Herzog to Grissom. Grissom flips through it and finds pages ripped out. He thinks about it.) Grissom: Where's The Inferno? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAIL - ALVARADO'S CELL] (Alvarado's cell door opens and he steps out of the cell. Grissom and Ron Pen arrive just as the Discharge Guard is escorting Alvarado out.) Ron Pen: Hold up a minute. Discharge Guard: Orders to process him out. Grissom: Just hold him. (The Discharge Guard turns Alvarado toward the cell door.) (Grissom walks up to the open cell door, reaches inside and picks up a copy of The Divine Comedy.) Grissom: This is a good book, Mr. Alvarado. Which Circle of Hell would you be in? Emilio Alvarado: The Seventh, the outer one. Grissom: Those who commit violence against others. (Alvarado smiles at Grissom.) Emilio Alvarado: Souls plunge into a river of boiling blood. (The guard turns Alvarado back toward the wall. Grissom flips through the book and stops on a crinkled page. He smells it.) Grissom: (to Rob Pen) Officer, do you have a lighter? No pen, no paper ... so you used what you had, huh? (Quick flashback to: Alvarado is in his cell and puts a cup on his bunker. He opens the book to a random page and writes with a swab.) Grissom: (V.O.) A book for paper, and for ink, urine. (End flashback.) (Grissom uses the lighter and heats up the back of the page.) Grissom: Once the urine dries, the writing becomes invisible ... until it's heated, making the acid in the urine turn brown. (Writing appears on the page.) Grissom: Then you..uh..put the book back in the library, another prisoner checks it out, tears out the page, gives it to a visitor, and you get your message out. Yes? Rob Pen: Put him back in his house. (The Discharge Guard turns Alvarado back toward the cell. Alvarado looks at Grissom.) Emilio Alvarado: Mira, usted se va a morir. (The cell door closes on Alvarado, back in his cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. GRAND JURY ROOM] (The book is now in an evidence bag and is open to the message: CARVE MK FOR ME SEND A PHOTO ) (Madeline Klein sits back, looks at Grissom and sighs.) Madeline Klein: Well, I was right about Alvarado: he was leaving Vegas. Otherwise, he would have killed me himself. Grissom: You okay? Madeline Klein: Yeah. Guess now, I owe you one, huh? Grissom: I don't keep score, Madeleine. Madeline Klein: You know what, Gilbert? You're the only man I know who's never let me down. Which means that you're either a classic enabler or my soul mate. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GRISSOM'S PLACE - DAY] (The front door opens and Grissom returns with Hank on a leash. He closes the door and puts his keys down on the table nearby. He unleashes Hank and goes to sit on the couch.) (It's quiet. Grissom sighs and puts his head down in his hand.) (His phone rings. Grissom drops the leash on the table and picks up his cell. He looks at the number.) (He lies back on the couch and answers the phone.) Grissom: Hi. (He chuckles.)
doc_96
Ted (2030): Each architect has a building that changed his career. For me it was to my 31st birthday. It was not a museum or a concert hall or a skyscraper. It was something else. Man: We opened a restaurant called the Rib Town, we want it shaped... The band of friends is to McClaren's. Ted:... hat cowboy. Listen, I need this job. I have no other option. Robin: You can always do prof. Ted: I have not worked as hard to finish in a crappy job. Get me wrong, Lily. Lily: I was pissed 3 times this morning. I can not say. Ted: I pass this building, so I see you in three days. He leaves the bar to go home and get to drawing. Ted (2030): The next three days, I worked as ever. And it led me... nowhere. Barney enters the apartment where Ted is still trying to design a building. Barney: What are you doing? Ted: A hat-shaped building. Barney: It's time to talk? Ted: No. Barney: What do you think of Robin? Ted: I have to really work, so... Barney: Awesome. Say that is a tailor and you have found a nice suit. A nice suit Canada. Superb chest. You try it, but it does not suit you perfectly. So you return it. Then I try it. I'm not too keen... a suit that you have caught the eye, but at the same time, I love this costume. Ted: Buy the costume. It is important to you. Tell him how you feel. Barney: But Ted, remember your answer, because... The costume is Robin. I know! Okay? Ted: I'm with you. Barney: Now. For I have explained. Ted: What... Ted Barney greenhouse in his arms. GENERIC Marshall: Come on, man, you're on it for three days without stopping. This is your birthday. Come have a beer on the roof. Ted: Impossible, the presentation is tomorrow. These hats are not alone. Marshall: That's a big restaurant for tourists. Just put wide doors and chairs strengthened. Birthday beer on the roof. Let's go! Ted: Why do you want as I go on the roof? You made me a surprise party? Marshall: What? We brought you a surprise party, last year.Thou shalt have no surprises on two holidays. The fact that the world has come to the first was surprising. Not? Two surprises on Christmas! It is very strong! It is very strong! Great!(Marshall goes on the roof) Super... It still will not mount. Robin: Come on. This is boring! I knew it was a bad idea. Marshall: Yes, Robin, I know. This festival is... is... a disaster.It was my idea. I take responsibility. There is one thing to do. Lily: Marshall, no. Marshall: Lily, I have to! (He stands on the edge of the roof) It's useless to procrastinate. Ted (2030): I should explain. A few years earlier... Flashback Ted, Marshall and Barney are on the roof with an inflatable pool. Barney: Forget it. It really is not class. At best, it sucks. Marshall: You know who knows how to live? These people. Ted (2030): The terrace of the building next door. A paradise waiting for us behind a pit of 2 or 3 meters. And the best... Marshall: It looks to be a... sacred... spa. Barney: Owl. How do we go? We will do what? Jump? Marshall mounted on the edge of the roof. Marshall: I can jump it. Ted: Recently, you need two tries to get up from the couch.You can not skip it. Marshall: Really? Ted: Really. Marshall: Look. Ted (2030): But he did not jump. An hour later... Marshall is always on the edge of the roof while Ted and Barney are in the pool. Barney: Actually, it's not bad. Ted: Right? Ted (2030): And the following years, he continued to try. But each time, without exception... He did not jump. End flashback Marshall: Do not worry. If I can jump tonight, it will save the evening. Lily: Honey, come down here, please. Marshall: When Evel Knievel rode his rocket star on the shore of Snake River Canyon, you think his wife said "Honey, come down here '? Lily: For the last time, I'm not Linda Knievel! I will never be Linda Knievel! Marshall: No need to remind me. Ted is still on the drawing of his building. Lily: Marshall, do not do that. Do not jump, please. Marshall: Sorry, but I have to. Lily: You can not. Marshall: Why? Lily: You want a reason? You're going to have one. I am pregnant. Marshall: My God! My God, really? I saw you look fat... Lily: I was lying, b*st*rd! Go ahead, jump! I hope u gonna die! Marshall: This is the permission I needed. Barney: Look, Robin... I must tell you something. Robin: Wait. Before that, I must tell you something. Barney: What is it? Robin: I think I love you. Ted is a goat in her kitchen. Marshall is still on the edge of the roof when the phone rings from Lily. Lily: This is Ted. Everyone! Ted, are you? Ted: She's here, Lily. She looks at me. Lily: What? Ted: The goat. Ted (2030): I have already told you some of the history of the goat. Fash-back Ted (2030): When Aunt Lily a farmer invited to speak to his class how he brought the goat, and told the class what he would do later. How Aunt Lily, in a fit of kindness, bought a goat to commute his sentence. End flashback Barney: It's been an incredible thing. I was talking to Robin, I would tell him my feelings, but just before, you will believe what ever she said. Flashback Robin: I think I love you. End flashback Lily: You said what? Barney: In your opinion? What we can say to that? Flashback Barney: Robin, you're great listening. You're really great, but we're friends. This is not a good idea. Robin: You must be right. Have fun. Barney: You too, sweetie. End flashback Lily: What? Barney: Once she told me that, more than feelings. I'm more in love. Lily: You were in love with her, throughout the year and when she feels the same, you love him more. Barney: It's not great? Ted draws again and again while the goat eats a cloth. Ted: It's a wuss. Not food. (He takes the mop in the bathroom and closes the door behind him) How...? On the roof, Marshall is still trying to jump from the roof terrace managed to go next door. Marshall: It is. It... is... go! It is. Barney: Tracey, tell Lily what you just said. Tracey: What I just arrived in New York? Barney: No, how you've arrived there. Tracey: I just get off the bus from Iowa. Barney: Come off the bus from Iowa! How lucky that apprentice... dancer off the bus from Iowa... meeting... the producer of the Rockettes? Tracey: I believe in a classic story of showbiz. Lily: Honey, you're there. You're really there. Barney: You can make us one of those rum and beer, that your father loves so much? Tracey: Of course! Lily: Damn. Barney: What? Lily: Everyone always says, "Do not tell Lily. Lily can not keep a secret. "And, usually, they are right. But this time I kept the secret. And here you come with that crap and you force me to become the Lily will spill the beans! Barney: What song? There was a piece? Lily: There was a song. Flashback Barney: The costume is Robin. I know! Okay? Ted: I'm with you. Barney: Now. As I explained... Ted: What... Barney takes Ted into his arms while Robin is in her room and heard everything. Robin: sh1t. Marshall, Lily and Robin are at the bar. Lily: He said that? My God! What an incredible surprise! Robin: You know since when? Lily is 8 months. Robin: And you've said anything since? Bravo. Marshall: Bravo, Lily. I mean, what a bomb. Who saw this coming? Robin: You know since when? Marshall: 7 months and 29 days. Robin: I will do what? Lily: I know. Are you gonna do? Robin: I'll marry Barney in a large church. We'll move to New Hampshire and open cottages. Marshall: Really? Robin: No! This is Barney. I mean... This is Barney. But it's Barney. I have to say no. Lily: Boy, you're going to break her... The thing that this black mud pump through his veins. Robin: You're right. For the first time he likes a girl, she pushes him away? And not just any girl. It's going to destroy it. Marshall: OK, first... Second, there is a trick you can try. It's risky, but it can pay off. Lack of anything better, I'll call it... The Mosby. Robin: The Mosby? Lily: No, she can not mosbyser. Marshall: It could squarely mosbyser. Robin: What is the Mosby? Marshall: Do you remember your first time with Ted? You wanted to get on the train Ted, visit his yard. Robin: I was ready to jump the turnstile. Marshall: What changed everything? Ted and Robin dance. Ted: I think I love you. Robin: What? Robin: The Mosby! It's great! And... excuse me. Marshall: You're really pretty, but abnormally high and you will not believe in ghosts. End flashback Barney: So... when she said love me, she meant... otherwise. Lily: That's it. It worked well. You are back to normal. Barney: Yes. It's true. And it's great. It's great. (Tracey returns) So Robin does not like me. Lily: No. Barney: Why? [SCENE_BREAK] At the apartment... Ted: Mr. Goat? (He tries to open the bathroom but the door is closed) M. The goat? Enough. (He manages to enter) Crazy Goat. I do not understand your fascination with this mop. It should be normal with a brain the size of a... The goat runs toward him. On the roof... Lily: Marshall, you can pick up Ted? Marshall: I was about to jump. You've not heard saying "OK" loop? Lily: I'm sorry. Go ahead and jump. Marshall: It's good. Sorry, everyone. Lily does not want me jumping. (He descends from the rim) Thank God. Marshall found Ted lying on the ground and the goat on top of him. Ted: The hospital! At the hospital... Lily: What has happened? Ted: It happened... you left a wild animal in our apartment. I've been attacked. Lily: This is the sweetest and adorable goat in the world. Ted: "The sweetest and adorable goat in the world"? Ted (2030): I lacked sleep, it was certainly not like that, but that's how I remember it. Flashback Ted struggles with the goat. End flashback Doctor: You're the one who wanted to be a goat? Ted: It's the goat jumped on me! Can I go? Doctor: Yes. But remember, "Bee" means "bee". Ted: Great, I'm late for my presentation. Thank you, Mr. Goat. Lily: Mr. Goat? It's a girl. Her name is Missy. Marshall: You got beat by a girl. Ted leaves the room followed by Marshall and Lily. Barney: So... You're in love with me? Robin: What? Yes. Much. Barney: You can stop. Lily told me everything. Robin: Damn, Lily! Barney: I can not believe it. Robin: It's just... You mean to me, Barney. And... This kind of stuff, the emotional side. This is not your type. I thought you avoid that. Barney: Maybe I will not avoid it. I am perhaps. I have not wanted for a long time. But with you, it does not look so...difficult. I know not. I thought... you felt the same. Robin: Maybe. I know not. I am not good to face the feelings.There is clearly something... between us. Maybe my head said, "stifles it in the bud" because my heart said... something else. Listen... I feel for you. Maybe even that I love you. Barney: It's going pretty fast, do not you think? Robin: What? Barney: We're good friends. Why risk everything? Friends? Robin: Friends. Barney: My God. You just do it again. You've mosbysé! Robin: But no. Barney: But if, little flirtatious. Robin: You're right. I've just mosbyser. Barney: Why are you scared to try? Robin: Because I'm afraid of how I could love you. Barney: Bad idea. Robin: You're right. There must be a mistake. Barney: No. Robin: I love you. Barney: Friends. Robin: Friends, then. Barney: I love you. Robin: Let's get married. Barney: No, you're smothering me. Robin: OK, forget it. They kiss. Barney: You know what? We'll see later. Robin: Yeah, let's go. They finally come out of the hospital room. Ted (2030): It was a long and crazy night, but in the morning, against all odds, I made my presentation. Ted: There he is, gentlemen. Rib Town. Is it not? Is it not? Man: Ted, listen. You are great and you did a... great job, and you'll make other restaurants very happy one day, but... we...decided to go... in another direction. Ted: What? Man 2: Treat yourself with... Rib Town! Ted: Sven... At the apartment... Marshall: I'll tell you, I will eat more chops. Barney: Yeah, right. Marshall: I will not eat.. never... chops! Before Ted! Ted: It's a disaster. How I will recover? Lily: OK, I'm just asking. You really want to recover? Ted: What does that mean? Lily: Architecture is killing you and it kills us to see her kill you.You're like the goat with the mop. You want it so much, and whenever the world try to get the resume, it hooks you. But you know what? This is only a wimp. Why do you want? Ted: Because I have to be an architect. This is... That's the plan. Lily: In the crapper, the plan. I wanted to be a famous artist.Marshall wanted to be environmental lawyer. Robin wanted to be a TV reporter. Robin: I am a TV reporter. I am on the air at 4am. Lily: It continues? Bravo. Robin: What someone looks, please. Lily: Barney wanted to be a violinist. Need not tell me. You can not draw your life as a building. It does not work like that. You must live it and draw it to itself. Ted: So what, I should do anything? Lily: Look what the world tells you to do and took the leap. Marshall: You're right. You're completely right. I love you, Lily. Lily: A metaphorical leap. A metaphorical leap! All: Do not do that. Not cool. Marshall arrives and jump off the roof on the terrace opposite. Marshall: I did it! Lily: Honey, you did it! Marshall: I can do anything! Lily: It's true! Marshall: I bought a motorcycle! Lily: No, not at all! Marshall: OK, sorry. Come on, guys. Robin jumps in turn, then Barney, followed by Lily and Ted. Ted (2030): This is the year that I was left at the altar. The year I was a bartender tared Knocked The year I got fired. The year I got beat by a goat. A girl goat, and more. Yet it was the best year of my life. Because if this had not happened, I never had the best job of my life. But most importantly, I would not have met your mother, because as you know... It was in this class.Of course, this story is just beginning.
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3.09 - A Deep-Fried Korean Thanksgiving OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory are on the couch watching television] RORY: I like these women. LORELAI: I love these women. RORY: Poor Edie. LORELAI: Which Edie? RORY: Little Edie. She's just trying to sing and her mom won't stop talking. LORELAI: Big Edie was so beautiful in her day. RORY: They were both pretty. LORELAI: I can't believe they were related to Jackie. RORY: Well, the Kennedy's kind of hid them in the background for many years. LORELAI: Well, when you're a Kennedy, how do you even choose who in the family to hide? RORY: It's a tough choice. LORELAI: Something beautiful about them though. They're cool, they're free. RORY: Yeah, and they're memorable. Most people are very forgettable. And they're happy. LORELAI: They had their cats. RORY: And their raccoons. LORELAI: And their pretty house. RORY: And each other. LORELAI: Add a few years and they're us. RORY: Yeah. . .yeah. LORELAI: Yeah. [opening credits] CUT TO THE INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN [Sookie rushes around giving instructions] SOOKIE: Rhiana, run it through the sieve again, I want it smooth as glass. Don't cut corners, people! LORELAI: Is she melting down? MICHEL: Like butter on a skillet. LORELAI: Sookie. . . SOOKIE: Just a sec, hon. How's your love life, Pete? A little frustrated, I bet. Wondering how I know that? ‘Cause you're taking it out on my egg whites. Gently, fold them gently. Cheryl – you're slicing not dicing, I can hear it in the chop. Adjust, my friend. LORELAI: Sookie, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, let's talk. SOOKIE: I'm extremely lacking in time here. LORELAI: What's going on? SOOKIE: Uh, chaos? Uh, a travesty of cooking? It's a salmonella laboratory in here! LORELAI: Sookie, the kitchen will be in good hands. SOOKIE: But not in my hands. LORELAI: It'll be in Bob hands. Bob has great hands. SOOKIE: No, you know what Bob has? Bob has two seconds to get the hollandaise off the flame before I break his neck! LORELAI: Sookie, listen, you hired Bob. You trained him in your image. He's great, and he's subbed for you before. SOOKIE: But this is Thanksgiving, he has never done Thanksgiving. LORELAI: He's ready, he'll sub for you seamlessly. Even Big Joe Newsanchor's have substitutes. SOOKIE: And that's the thing. They still say, ‘And now the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather.' You see? Dan is still associated with it even though he's off snorkeling or something, just like I'm gonna be associated with the dinner because Bob is substituting for Sookie. Excuse me one minute. [Sookie starts rummaging through the trash can] MICHEL: Oh, this can only be good. LORELAI: Sookie, that's the garbage. Stop rooting through the garbage. SOOKIE: I will when people stop throwing away useful stuff! LORELAI: Drop, drop the, drop the tops, drop them, drop them. Come here, come here, come here. Now, Sookie, listen to me because you're torturing yourself here. [Emily walks in and stands behind Lorelai] SOOKIE: Emily, hi. LORELAI: Oh, that's nice. That's very high school. Stick with me here. SOOKIE: Good to see you. LORELAI: Yeah, ah, that's funny. You know who's behind you? It's Joseph Stalin, my good friend. What are you doing back from the dead, Joe? EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Oh, Mom! Ah, geez, you scared me. EMILY: You heard Sookie greet me. LORELAI: Oh, I thought it was a joke. EMILY: Like comparing me to Joseph Stalin? LORELAI: I wasn't comparing you to Joseph Stalin. EMILY: I'm in a hurry. Can we speak for a minute? LORELAI: Yeah, I guess, for a minute. So, were you in the area or something? EMILY: Not really. LORELAI: Then what are you doing here? EMILY: I wanted to talk to you. LORELAI: Phone's out of order? EMILY: Let's not play games here. LORELAI: Games? EMILY: I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call. LORELAI: No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine. EMILY: Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up. LORELAI: Fine, Mom, we're talking now. What's up? EMILY: Are you feeling well? LORELAI: You came all the way out here to ask me that? EMILY: Well, you've been sick these past few Friday's for dinner, so I was concerned. That's why you didn't come, right, because you were sick? So are you better? You look fine. LORELAI: Oh, it's the makeup. I'm still. . .uh, these allergies really just hit me like a ton of bricks. EMILY: I've never heard you mention allergies before. LORELAI: I'm a silent sufferer. EMILY: Well, I certainly hope you're feeling better now because I want you to come to dinner tomorrow night. LORELAI: Tomorrow? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. EMILY: Yes, it is Thanksgiving. And before you sift through the dozen or so excuses you always have on hand, let me have my say. You've missed two dinners and avoided my calls because you're mad at us about what happened at Yale. But I want you and Rory at Thanksgiving this year. LORELAI: Mom – EMILY: If you have plans – LORELAI: We do have plans. EMILY: Alter them. Now, there'll be other people there, so the focus won't be on you, and you may even be able to get by without saying more than ‘hello', ‘goodbye', and ‘pass the gravy'. LORELAI: We already have plans. EMILY: Your father and I are going out of town the next day and we'll be gone all of December, including Christmas, so it's the last chance for the family to be together for the rest of the year. LORELAI: Look – EMILY: And I want you to remember that I am not the one who set the meeting for Rory behind your back. I want you there, Lorelai. And if you're still sick, I don't want a doctor's note. I want your doctor himself to come to my house and convince me that it's true, got it? LORELAI: Got it. EMILY: See you tomorrow. CUT TO CHILTON TEACHER: The multi-layered membrane systems of the cytoplasm are the smooth endoplasmic reticulum, the rough endoplasmic reticulum, and the golgi body. Now, the smooth endoplasmic reticulum is concerned with the manufacture of lipid molecules. [bell rings] We'll continue on this next week. Keep up on your reading please. MADELINE: That was really distracting. PARIS: Oh. Well, by all means, Madeline, you should point out to the faculty that their annoying custom of teaching is distracting you from more important things like nail filing and daydreaming about marrying Ryan Phillippe. LOUISE: Uh, he's already married. PARIS: Then whatever strawhead actor isn't. MADELINE: This was bad. For the last five minutes, every single thing she said sounded dirty. LOUISE: Yeah, same here. PARIS: Good God. MADELINE: I mean, reticulum? Come on. LOUISE: Plus, the golgi body. I mean, is it me or is that majorly pornographic? PARIS: My life with the Banger sisters. RORY: So, changing the subject. . . PARIS: Hallelujah. RORY: What's everybody doing for Thanksgiving? PARIS: I can't even talk about Thanksgiving. RORY: Louise? LOUISE: I‘m having dinner with my dad. MADELINE: Isn't he still in jail? LOUISE: Yes, but his company donated some treadmills for the inmates so he swung a special trailer for dinner that they're gonna set up for us in the parking lot. We have it for about two hours and then one of the Manson girls gets us. MADELINE: You're lucky it's in that order. PARIS: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie. RORY: How so? PARIS: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It's Thanksgiving – you'd think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers. MADELINE: Bummer. PARIS: I'm on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn't look good. RORY: I've never heard of too many volunteers. PARIS: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can't all be students like me. They're not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don't get a thing. Talk about selfish. LOUISE: Sore subject. RORY: What are you up to, Madeline? MADELINE: I've got more college applications to fill out. Backups, safety schools. LOUISE: I've got some of that, too. I'm so behind. PARIS: I told you guys to have those things done by now. LOUISE: Sorry, Mom. PARIS: It's not about being sorry. It's about being prepared. I got Harvard and my backups in weeks ago. MADELINE: Okay, all you're doing is making me more nervous. I'll see you guys Monday. LOUISE: Same here. RORY: Yup, see you guys Monday. PARIS: Harvard is going to be expecting Thanksgiving shelter work. They'll know I called too late and it will totally impugn my organizational skills. By the way, you know I ultimately do all these things for the good of mankind, right? RORY: Oh yeah. PARIS: Sometimes I don't think I come off that way. RORY: No. [Paris' cell phone rings] PARIS: [answers phone] Hello? . . . Yes, thanks for returning my call. . . nothing? But wait, wait, wait – just stick me at any old pot. I'm small, you won't even know I'm there, I'll even bring my own ladle. . . .Oh, now, come on, work with me here. I've got a slotted spoon. . . Well, what about coffee or condiments? You got condiments covered? . . . I'm sorry, can I speak to your supervisor? . . . My attitude? What about your attitude? I'm trying to help people. It's Thanksgiving. . . CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk] RORY: So she coldcocked you, huh? LORELAI: She bit me, incapacitated me with her poison, and devoured me whole. RORY: But how are we going to go to four Thanksgiving dinners? LORELAI: It's not four, is it? RORY: Lane's house, Sookie's, and we always stop by Luke's. . .that's three, and Grandma and Grandpa is four. LORELAI: Ah, we're mad, Edie. RORY: We're us, Edie. LORELAI: Well, we've gotta go to my parents' or we'll be brought up on war crimes. Lane's is always super early, so that's easy to catch. Sookie's is mid afternoon. RORY: Luke's the toughie. LORELAI: Guess that's the one we'll have to skip. RORY: Bummer. LORELAI: I know, but he won't care. Holidays are nothing to him anyway. [Kirk walks out of The Chat Club with several bags] LORELAI: Hey Kirk. Discover a new freaky fetish? KIRK: What? LORELAI: Nothing. You buy a cat? KIRK: Yup. I'm very excited. LORELAI: You seem it. So what's all this? RORY: I'm assuming there's nothing left in the store. KIRK: Actually, there are a number of things left. RORY: No, I meant you seem to be buying a lot of stuff. KIRK: Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole. LORELAI: So where'd you get the cat? KIRK: A lady had a bunch of them at the grocery store and Kirk seemed to take an instant liking to me. LORELAI: Kirk? KIRK: Yes? LORELAI: No, I mean, the cat's name is Kirk? KIRK: Yup. LORELAI: Weird coincidence or. . . KIRK: I named him Kirk. LORELAI: Isn't that confusing? KIRK: Not when you think about it. [Lorelai thinks about it] LORELAI: No, it's still confusing. KIRK: I like the name, and whenever I call Kirk's name, I obviously won't be calling myself. LORELAI: True. KIRK: Although when my mom calls for Kirk, that may be confusing. Maybe I can get her to say CatKirk when she's calling Kirk, and HumanKirk when she's calling me. RORY: That would keep it straight. KIRK: I'm glad I ran into you. See ya. LORELAI: See ya, HumanKirk. RORY: Bye HumanKirk. [Kirk walks away] RORY: He's always been a cat person, he's just never had a cat. LORELAI: Hm. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory walk in] LORELAI: Hey. Anywhere? LUKE: Anywhere. LORELAI: [to customer at table] Hm, would you mind moving? LUKE: I hate when you do that. LORELAI: It's my showstopper. LUKE: An empty table. LORELAI: Ah. You ready to order? RORY: I'm ready. LUKE: Don't bother, saw you coming, already ordered your Wednesday usual – the French dip, extra fries, the every-Wednesday cherry pie. RORY: Such service. LORELAI: Oh, and such a food rut we're in. RORY: Thank you, Luke. LUKE: I gotta get back to stuffing my turkey. LORELAI: Oh, honey, do you have time to do that and prep your Thanksgiving food? LUKE: Stop it. RORY: Here, here. LUKE: It's a tedious job. LORELAI: Well, what if we told you you could stuff one less? LUKE: What do you mean? LORELAI: We got jammed. Shanghaied by my mother and what with the other things we have going. . .well, too many commitments, not enough us. LUKE: So? RORY: We can't make it tomorrow. LUKE: Oh, okay, fine. LORELAI: It was beyond our control. LUKE: That's fine, whatever. I'll be right back. [walks away] LORELAI: Um, okay, I may be crazy, but he almost looked. . . . RORY: Disappointed. LORELAI: Yes, disappointed. We disappointed Luke. RORY: I didn't think it was possible. LORELAI: Our powers are greater than we know. RORY: He actually likes it when we come for Thanksgiving. All these years and we never knew. LORELAI: Hm, he's the Grinch and we're Cindy Lou Who. RORY: So Cindy Lou, what do we do? LORELAI: I got it. [Lorelai picks up her cell phone as Luke walks over] LORELAI: [on phone] Oh, uh, perfect. That works great. Okay, bye now. [hangs up] Sorry, I'm just clarifying the schedule for tomorrow. As luck has it, we can make it. We'll definitely be here. LUKE: It's okay. LORELAI: No, it's all cleared. That was my mom, and, uh, the time's just gonna work out just fine. LUKE: Really, you don't have to. I already stopped prepping the last turkey. LORELAI: Well, start prepping it again ‘cause we are coming. LUKE: I don't want you to feel like you have to come. LORELAI: This is tiring. RORY: I can kneel behind him and you can push him over. LORELAI: It may come to that. LUKE: It won't be a hassle? LORELAI: It won't be a hassle. LUKE: You sure? LORELAI: We're coming, now go away and let us eat. Shoo, shoo. [Luke walks away] RORY: That was very nice. LORELAI: Well, I hate disappointing people. RORY: Okay, now, practical question. . . how are we going to eat four Thanksgiving dinners? LORELAI: How? Rory, what are we if not world champion eaters? RORY: It's too much food. LORELAI: It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny. This is our finest hour. RORY: Or final hour. LORELAI: No, no. Get inspired and tomorrow I guarantee you, we will be standing on the Olympic platform receiving our gold medals for eating. We are not Michelle Kwan-ing this. RORY: Okay, okay, four dinners. LORELAI: Yeah, we'll skip the rolls. RORY: That'll help. You know, we might wanna consider not eating much now in preparation for our finest hour. A little fasting so that we can enjoy more tomorrow, hm? LORELAI: Unnecessary. RORY: Yeah. CUT TO OUTSIDE [On Thanksgiving morning, Lorelai and Rory are walking toward the market] RORY: What's on the list? LORELAI: Flowers for everyone we're visiting and cranberry sauce for the Kims. RORY: Tums. LORELAI: You mean amateur pills? RORY: Just in case. LORELAI: Okay, Tums. RORY: I'll do the flowers. LORELAI: I'll do Doose's. RORY: Thank you. [Lorelai goes into the market. Jess walks up behind Rory] JESS: Hey there. RORY: Hey. [he kisses her, but Rory pulls away] Wait, stop. JESS: What? RORY: Stop. JESS: What are you doing? RORY: Come on. [Rory pulls him down the sidewalk a little, then kisses him] JESS: What was that? RORY: That was a kiss. JESS: What's with the relocation before the kiss? RORY: It's too early. JESS: Too early? Too early for what? RORY: For kissing like that. JESS: What's the rule, no kissing before noon? RORY: No, it's too early to do this here. JESS: Where, in the street? RORY: In the street, with people watching... JESS: What people? RORY: In front of Doose's. JESS: Ah, Doose's. RORY: We shouldn't flaunt it. JESS: But I want to flaunt it. RORY: It doesn't feel right. JESS: He's a big boy Rory. RORY: I know. JESS: It's not the first time a couple's broken up. RORY: It is for us. JESS: This is insane. RORY: Please, let's not flaunt it, please? JESS: For how long? RORY: Until it's comfortable. JESS: Before we're on Social Security? RORY: I promise, we can kiss secretly. JESS: Yeah, or we can wear Three Stooges masks all the time, that way no one will know who we are. RORY: I can be Curly. JESS: I'll be Moe. RORY: Probably too silly. JESS: Yeah, probably. RORY: This will get better over time, I promise. But until then, let's just play it cool. JESS: Hey, I'm Frank at the Sands. RORY: That's cool. CUT TO INSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET [Lorelai is shopping] LORELAI: Oh, hey, Kirk. Doing your holiday shopping? KIRK: Well, shopping, yes, and it is a holiday, but my shopping isn't holiday related, so technically no. LORELAI: Oh, what happened there? KIRK: Oh, nothing, just a little scratch. LORELAI: Looks like a big scratch. Wow, Bactine, Neosporin, Mercurochrome – what's with all the pharmacologicals? KIRK: Oh, well, Kirk and I are going through a little adjustment period, that's all. LORELAI: CatKirk? KIRK: It's no biggie, and this looks a lot worse than it is. LORELAI: Yeah, I can see that. So how'd it happen? Were you playing or something? KIRK: We haven't actually played yet. This happened when I accidentally walked into the room without announcing myself. LORELAI: Excuse me? KIRK: I've discovered Kirk likes my presence announced before I enter any room that he's in. LORELAI: You have to announce yourself? KIRK: Yeah, just a quick, ‘Is it okay if I come in?' from the adjacent room. Otherwise, he gets a little testy. LORELAI: Hence the scratch. KIRK: It's just a small laceration. Again, no biggie. LORELAI: Kirk, he got your neck! KIRK: That was another mistake of mine. I put his food bowl down in front of him. He doesn't like that. Or she doesn't. LORELAI: She? I thought Kirk was a boy. KIRK: That was just a guess. He actually hasn't exposed his underside to me yet. Or hers. LORELAI: Well, here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon. KIRK: From your mouth to God's ears. See ya. LORELAI: See ya. [Lorelai walks over to Dean] LORELAI: Hi there. DEAN: Hi. LORELAI: So you pulled the Thanksgiving shift, huh? DEAN: Yeah, I get time and a half. LORELAI: Well, good, good. It's good to see you. DEAN: Same here. Um, so, I gotta work. LORELAI: Right, right. That Taylor's a dictator. DEAN: Yeah. LORELAI: Dean, wait. Um, look, we live in a teeny tiny little hamlet here. I mean, stick it in an envelope and we could mail the whole town for a buck-forty. It makes avoiding people tough and uncomfortable. DEAN: I know. LORELAI: I hate hiding from people, especially when I don't wanna hide from them. You were a pal. You were so good to Rory. You were the best first boyfriend a mother could've hoped for. DEAN: Thanks. LORELAI: It's okay to keep avoiding me if you want. I just wanted you to know that you don't need to, okay? Just because you and Rory broke up doesn't mean we did. DEAN: Good. That's good to hear. LORELAI: Well, Happy Thanksgiving. DEAN: Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai walks out of the diner with a bag. Rory is waiting with several bouquets of flowers] LORELAI: Aw, pretty! RORY: Yeah, good selection today. You get everything? LORELAI: And then some. Look. RORY: Chocolate turkeys, nice! LORELAI: I think they'll add a festive air. RORY: Definitely. So, was he in there? LORELAI: Yeah, he was. RORY: Good, good. I hope he's good. Did he seem good? LORELAI: He seemed good. He's getting time and a half. RORY: Good, good. LORELAI: So, let's go eat. RORY: And eat and eat. LORELAI: And eat and eat and eat. RORY: And eat and eat and eat and eat. . . LORELAI: And eat and eat and eat and eat. . . RORY: And eat some more. LORELAI: And eat and eat. CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES [Mrs. Kim opens the door; Lorelai and Rory are on the porch] MRS. KIM: Ah, the Gilmores. Happy Thanksgiving. LORELAI: Happy Thanksgiving. RORY: Happy Thanksgiving. MRS. KIM: Come in. LORELAI: She's in a good mood this year. RORY: Downright chipper. LORELAI: So, um, Mrs. Kim, we, uh, we brought gifts. RORY: Flowers. LORELAI: And cranberry sauce, our little Thanksgiving tradition. MRS. KIM: Thank you, can never have too much. RORY: That's what we say. LORELAI: Plus, a chocolate turkey. MRS. KIM: What should I do with this? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know, let the kids share it. MRS. KIM: And then send a blank check to their dentist? LORELAI: They don't have to eat it, they can play with it. MRS. KIM: Play with chocolate? It's missing its head. LORELAI: Ooh, that one's ours. Here, this one has a head. There ya go. MRS. KIM: Okay. [walks away] LORELAI: My arms are too short to box with Mrs. Kim. RORY: The singing's already begun. LORELAI: Mm. Who's that playing guitar? He looks familiar. RORY: Oh my God, that's Lane's Dave. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, it is. He's all neat and tidy. RORY: He's gone corporate. LORELAI: He's gone Korean. [Lane walks by and sees them] LANE: Oh, hey, hi. RORY: Hey yourself. Hey, how'd you get your mom to let you – LANE: Come on, girls, let's get you some punch. [leads them to the other room] RORY: What's going on? LANE: That is not Dave Rygalski. LORELAI: Oh, intrigue. RORY: Who is it? LANE: I mean, not the one that I'm in a band with. That is Dave Rygalski, local Christian guitar player that my mom and I met very briefly and innocently at the dance marathon, and that I coincidentally ran across again when I found his ad seeking Christian guitar accompaniment gigs up on our church bulletin board. LORELAI: Complicated. LANE: I even put the fake ad up at church and pretended to find it with my mom next to me. RORY: You're good. LORELAI: So, are you guys dating? LANE: We're laying the groundwork. If she gets to know him before we date and she approves of him, we won't have to hide anything. LORELAI: Right, except how you met. RORY: And who he really is. LANE: But other than that, it's completely fib-free. Shh, shh! MRS. KIM: Watch it. You break it, you buy it. Ten percent off for cousins, twenty percent off for nephews and nieces. [Lorelai, Rory, and Lane walk into the room where the food table is set up] LORELAI: Yung Kwan, good to see you. Hee Kim, hi. Oh, I love your hair. Su Nam, hi. Hi. Ho Kyung, Wan Kyu, great to see you, hi. Oh, Mrs. Kim, just a beautiful table, as always. MRS. KIM: Try the tofurkey. Turkey made from tofu. RORY: Oh, we definitely will. LORELAI: Mm. MRS. KIM: And meet the guitar player. Nice young man, big fan of tofurkey. David? DAVE: Yes. MRS. KIM: This is Rory Gilmore and Mrs. Gilmore. LORELAI: Hi, nice to meet you. DAVE: Oh, same here. RORY: I think I've seen you around town. DAVE: Yeah, that might be a possibility. Happy Thanksgiving. LORELAI: Same to you. MRS. KIM: Hymn 17 please. DAVE: Yes, ma'am. LORELAI: Wow, he seems like a very upright young man. MRS. KIM: Not a bad sight-reader either. [walks away] RORY: You're taking tofurkey? LORELAI: Uh huh, and some extra napkins to slip the tofurkey into when no one is looking and then toss them away. RORY: Very smart. LANE: Um, Mama, just a thought, but maybe we can take a break from the hymns while we eat? MRS. KIM: No break, he's paid to play. We can quit singing for now, but he should play soft in the background, okay? DAVE: Yeah. Yes, ma'am. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Rory walk down the sidewalk] RORY: The best laid plans. LORELAI: Tell me about it. RORY: How do you feel? LORELAI: I ate tofurkey. How do you think I feel? RORY: Tofurkier. LORELAI: Drat that Mrs. Kim for not taking her eyes off me the whole time. . . it's like she was anticipating my napkin maneuver. [They walk up to Sookie's yard. Sookie is sitting at a picnic table, and a group of people is standing near the porch] LORELAI: Hi hon! RORY: Happy Thanksgiving. SOOKIE: Ah, thank you. Thank God, civilization has arrived. LORELAI: What's wrong? SOOKIE: What's wrong? Uh, do you not see what's going on here? LORELAI: What's that? SOOKIE: That is a vat of boiling oil. LORELAI: Really? Where's Quasimodo? SOOKIE: This is not a joking matter. RORY: What is the oil for? LORELAI: For pouring on visigoths. SOOKIE: Lorelai! LORELAI: When else am I gonna get to use my visigoth material? RORY: What's the oil for? SOOKIE: The turkey. My beautiful, expensive, organically grown turkey. LORELAI: I don't get it. SOOKIE: A couple of days ago, Jackson asked me if he could cook the turkey. I thought he was gonna roast it, stick a couple of onions around it, something simple. So I said yes, figuring that the minute he put it in the oven and leaves the kitchen, I can sneak in and give it a nice herb-bitter rub and stuff it with a pancetta-chestnut stuffing. LORELAI: Sure, ‘cause he'd never notice that. SOOKIE: Exactly. Then the propane tank arrived, and the industrial burner, and the fifteen gallons of peanut oil. Then he springs it on me – ‘I'm gonna deep-fry a turkey." LORELAI: Deep-fried turkey. RORY: Interesting. SOOKIE: I tried to talk him out of it, but I'd already promised and now he's excited about it. GUY 1: Hey, what's keeping Jackson? Is he on the pot or something? SOOKIE: Lots of precious memories in the making here. GUY 1: Hey Jackson, get your butt out here with that gobbler! SOOKIE: A gobbler. RORY: Maybe it won't be that bad. LORELAI: Yeah, deep-frying's kind of in now. SOOKIE: I don't care. You don't deep-fry turkey. Uh, filet of fish, yes. A batch of fries, yes. A donut, yes. Not turkey. GUY 1: Come on, let's get going! GUY 2: Yeah, we're hungry! EVERYONE: Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson. . . [Jackson pushes open the door and holds up the turkey] JACKSON: Did someone say. . .Jackson? [the crowd cheers] LORELAI: Wow, it's like Thunderdome in here. SOOKIE: He should've just driven it out on a monster truck. He's shamelessly catering to his demographic. JACKSON: Are you ready? [the crowd cheers] SOOKIE: Oh my God, I can't look. EVERYONE: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six. . . SOOKIE: Oh my God, they're counting down. EVERYONE: . . .five, four, three, two, one! [Jackson lowers the turkey into the vat] LORELAI: It's in the vat. SOOKIE: It's like a death in the family. LORELAI: Look at the bright side, Sookie. At least this took your mind off the dinner at the inn. SOOKIE: Oh my God, the inn. What if Bob decides to do something equally awful to the turkey at the inn? I have to call him. JACKSON: Oh, hey guys. LORELAI: Hey. JACKSON: Neat, huh? And it only takes forty minutes. LORELAI: Cool. JACKSON: How ya doing, hon? SOOKIE: Oh, fine, Sweets. [Lorelai hands her a beer] And keep them coming. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory walk in] LORELAI: Hey everybody. BABETTE: Oh, hey there dollfaces. Happy Thanksgiving. MOREY: Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving. RORY: Hey. [hands Luke a bouquet of flowers] LUKE: What's this? RORY: Flowers. LUKE: What do I do with them? LORELAI: Ugh, not this again. RORY: Put them in a vase with water. LUKE: I don't have a vase. LORELAI: You do this every year. LUKE: I don't have vases. LORELAI: Buy a vase. LUKE: But I don't need a vase ‘cause I never have flowers. LORELAI: Except when we bring you flowers every year on Thanksgiving. Buy a vase. LUKE: Stop bringing me flowers. LORELAI: Stop bringing me flowers. I knew you were gonna say that because you say the same thing. We have this same exact conversation every year. LUKE: And every year you point that out. LORELAI: And every year you point that out. LUKE: And every year you point that out. RORY: And then every year we put the flowers on the counter and forget the ugliness ever happened. LORELAI: Well, at least we have a tradition. LUKE: Good. I'll be right back. That's our table over there. LORELAI: Hey Kirk. Oh my God! RORY: What happened? KIRK: I'm scratched over sixty percent of my body. LORELAI: Aw, CatKirk again? KIRK: Ow. LORELAI: Sorry. BABETTE: I'm so mad at that cat. MOREY: Very uncool cat. BABETTE: I love cats, but I love Kirk, too. It's pretty much fifty-fifty, and that's a high compliment, my friend. LORELAI: How did this happen? KIRK: Well, the tension of our standoff was unbearable, so I got on the floor and tried to play with him. LORELAI: It's a him? KIRK: I caught a peek. LORELAI: Go on. KIRK: I rolled this cute little ball of yarn over to him all nice and gentle. He tried to garrote me with it. LORELAI: Oh my God. MOREY: Very uncool. KIRK: Just grabbed two ends with his paws and came at me. RORY: But he doesn't have opposable thumbs. KIRK: He's beyond them. And he's smart. He knows things, sometimes before they happen. LORELAI: Get a hold of yourself, man. KIRK: You haven't heard the worst. RORY: Oh geez, there's worse? KIRK: When the attacks got particularly brutal, I had no choice but to strip naked and hide under water in the bathtub. I read that cats are afraid of water. BABETTE: They are, they are. KIRK: Kirk isn't. He found me, and he seemed to derive greater power from the water. That's when the bulk of the scratching happened. LORELAI: Well, then, I think it's good you're giving Kirk a little space right now. Just relax and enjoy your food. KIRK: I can't taste my food. LORELAI: Well, then, just try to relax. KIRK: Thanks. [Lorelai and Rory walk over to their table; Jess walks over] JESS: Hey. RORY: Hey. [they kiss] JESS: Hi. LORELAI: Hi, Happy Thanksgiving. So, are you joining us? JESS: Uh, sure, if that's okay. LORELAI: Yeah, sit, sit. [Luke and Caesar bring the plates over] JESS: God, I'm starved. LUKE: You could've eaten. JESS: You kept telling me not to eat. LUKE: I did not. JESS: You did, too. You said you were waiting for them. LORELAI: Aw, you didn't have to wait for us. LUKE: I wasn't waiting for you, it just worked out this way. JESS: Right. RORY: Looks great. LORELAI: Tasty. LUKE: Shouldn't we give thanks first? JESS: Thanks for what? LUKE: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets. LORELAI: Amen. LUKE: So where you guys in your day? RORY: We hit the Kim's, we hit Sookie's, and we go to the grandparents from here. LORELAI: Full day. LUKE: Yeah. Well, you can skip eating this one if you want. Just have cokes or something, it's no big deal. LORELAI: No, no way, you're the main event today, my friend. LUKE: Oh, good. RORY: What's good are the yams. LORELAI: Definitely. Got some more marshmallows? LUKE: Yeah, I can grab some. Hey, refill some coffees. [Luke and Jess walk away] LORELAI: So, no offense, but lame-o kiss. RORY: What? LORELAI: You and Jess, like a couple chickens pecking at each other. RORY: Mind your own business. LORELAI: Well, it was right in front of me. RORY: So, I don't need a review. LORELAI: Sorry. RORY: I'm just not good with the public displays. LORELAI: You didn't have that problem with Dean. RORY: I know, but now I just feel like everybody's watching me. LORELAI: People are not watching you. RORY: You were watching me. LORELAI: I created you. It's biologically predetermined that I watch you. RORY: I just don't know how this whole second boyfriend thing is supposed to go. LORELAI: Well, he's your first second boyfriend. Give it time. RORY: The whole town got used to me with Dean, it's just weird. LORELAI: It'll get easier. You're gonna have hundreds of men in your life. RORY: Gee, thanks. LORELAI: Well, maybe not hundreds, but a couple, three, more. It'll get easier. RORY: I guess. LORELAI: Honey, they'll adjust to seeing you with Jess. RORY: And then there's Dean. What do I do about him? LORELAI: Well, you know, he'll be moving on, too. RORY: Oh, right, of course he will, yeah. BABETTE: Well, we're outta here. MOREY: Time to walk some of this off. BABETTE: Oh, we'd have to walk to China to walk all of it off. Which way's China? LORELAI: Thataway. Have a good night. BABETTE: Thanks. By the way, that was some half-assed kiss you two had. You gotta give it a little something, honey. LORELAI: Bye Babette. Bye Morey. BABETTE: Bye. RORY: The whole town is watching. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Rory walk up to the front door] RORY: You ready for this? LORELAI: Of course. RORY: Even with the Cold War? LORELAI: That's been going on for thirty-four years? I can manage. RORY: It's been a bit colder these past few weeks. LORELAI: Oh no, I'm fine, you know why? Because in two hours – and I do plan on extricating us from here in exactly two hours – the night will be over and I won't have to see them again until next year. Oh, start your stopwatch. [Emily opens the door] EMILY: Hello. RORY: Hi Grandma. Happy Thanksgiving. EMILY: Thank you, Rory. Happy Thanksgiving, Lorelai. LORELAI: Happy Thanksgiving. [mumbles to Rory] One hour, fifty-nine minutes, and forty seconds. [they walk into the house] LORELAI: Oh, wow, it's a piano player. EMILY: That's Brad. I found him at Nordstrom's. LORELAI: Was he on sale? EMILY: I thought a little background music would add a nice touch. He knows every song ever written. LORELAI: Free Bird! Hi Brad. EMILY: Lorelai, please. Now come along, everyone's here. [they walk to living room] We're all here. RICHARD: Oh, good. Happy Thanksgiving, Rory. RORY: Happy Thanksgiving, Grandpa. RICHARD: Lorelai. LORELAI: Dad. RICHARD: These are our guests, Natalie and Douglas Swope. EMILY: You two have met. LORELAI: Yes, at the auction. NATALIE: Good to see you again. LORELAI: Yes. DOUGLAS: Nice to meet you. LORELAI: Yes, you, too. RORY: Same here. RICHARD: And this is our international contingent, Claude and Monique Clemenceau. They're just in from France. LORELAI: Ah, Clemenceau, huh, I'd have guessed Spain. CLAUDE: Hello, how are you? [kisses Lorelai's hand] LORELAI: Oh, ooh. MONIQUE: Hello. RICHARD: Monique, voici ma fille et ma petite fille. MONIQUE: Ah. Elle sont si jolies. CLAUDE: My Monique speaks only French, so please excuse the inconvenience. LORELAI: Oh, no, that's fine. I love French. CLAUDE: She really wants to learn English, perhaps tonight will inspire her. [to Monique] Je leur ai dit que tu voulais à prendre l'anglais. MONIQUE: L'anglais, oui, je veux à prendre, mais je suis tellement parasseuse. RICHARD: Ah, ça prends de temps, Monique. Ah, t'en fais pas. MONIQUE: Merci. RICHARD: Oh, no no no. That's why I love it when the Clemenceaus visit. It gives me the opportunity to haul out my rusty French. CLAUDE: Your French is wonderful, Richard. It always has been. RICHARD: Aw, non, tu es tres gentil. Please, sit, sit, sit. CLAUDE: Merci. So, Rory, you speak French at all? RORY: Just a tiny little bit. CLAUDE: Un tout petite peu? RORY: Oui, un tout petite peu. CLAUDE: And you, my dear? LORELAI: Even less. Uh, voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir? That's about it. RICHARD: Lorelai. EMILY: Oh my God. LORELAI: It's just a joke. RICHARD: Asking my friend to go to bed with you is a joke? RORY: It's a song. LORELAI: It's just a joke, Dad. CLAUDE: Oh, voici c'est un chanson du pop. It's a pop song, ah, Monique. . . I did not know that. MONIQUE: Lady Marmalade. CLAUDE: It's very rich. It's very, very funny. LORELAI: Oh, well, thank you. CLAUDE: You need a drink, oui? LORELAI: Very astute, Claude. Martini with a twist, Dad. RICHARD: All right. DOUGLAS: Is this your first American Thanksgiving, Claude? CLAUDE: It is, it is. I've seen it in the movies. People seem to eat and eat and eat until they can't eat anymore. LORELAI: That's about it. NATALIE: It's about giving thanks, gets you thinking about the good things. DOUGLAS: We have a lot to give thanks for in this country. EMILY: Definitely. CLAUDE: Me, I start each day giving thanks for three things – Cuban cigars, French champagne, and gorgeous women. And I must give extra thanks for the extraordinary group here tonight. LORELAI: Douglas, Richard, leave us, won't you? RICHARD: What? EMILY: Just another joke. CLAUDE: Oh, I missed another joke? NATALIE: You have your mother's wit. EMILY: Sometimes I wish she'd give it back. DOUGLAS: Emily mentioned that you were coming from another function? CLAUDE: No, this is your second dinner? RORY: Fourth, actually. NATALIE: Fourth? RICHARD: Oh, thank you for fitting us in, Lorelai. LORELAI: Don't worry, Dad. You're the main event. [to Rory] An hour and fifty six minutes. CUT TO DINING ROOM [Everyone is seated at the table] NATALIE: Beautiful table, Emily. You've outdone yourself yet again. EMILY: Oh, it's nothing. RICHARD: Well, is everyone settled? Is everyone comfy? EVERYONE: Yes. LORELAI: Yes, Dad, we're fine. RICHARD: Well, then, let's get going. [Emily rings a bell, the maids bring out the turkey] NATALIE: Gorgeous. DOUGLAS: Oh, wonderful. CLAUDE: Is it for us or the whole neighborhood? NATALIE: Very nice. [Richard carves a piece off, then the maids start to take the turkey away] LORELAI: Oh, ho, who gets the big piece? RICHARD: I'm sorry? LORELAI: Aren't you supposed to keep carving? RICHARD: That was strictly ceremonial. LORELAI: Ceremonial? EMILY: Ceremonial. CLAUDE: Cérémonial. MONIQUE: Cérémonial. EMILY: Please, start on the salads everyone. LORELAI: Is there anything ceremonial about the salads? Do we carve a crouton, then have them taken away? EMILY: No, no ceremony. RORY: Salad's great, Grandma. EMILY: I'm surprised you can eat at this point, even salad. RORY: There's still room. LORELAI: And if there isn't room, we'll add on. I know a good contractor. CLAUDE: She's like your Jerry Lewis. She's very, very funny. NATALIE: Rory, did your grandmother say you were a high school senior? RORY: Mmhmm. NATALIE: So you're going through this horrible period of applying to college. RORY: It's not so horrible. RICHARD: She's got it pretty well covered. LORELAI: That's right. NATALIE: All your applications are in? RORY: I've applied. DOUGLAS: We have a grandson your age, he's going through hell. NATALIE: He's already been turned down for early admission to Stanford, his dream. DOUGLAS: Took it pretty hard. NATALIE: Children put so much stress on themselves these days. RORY: It's pretty stressful. NATALIE: He's waiting to hear from his backups. CLAUDE: I have a grandson who lives with his mother in Orlando, you know, he's going through a very similar thing, poor boy. EMILY: How do they like Orlando, Claude? CLAUDE: Well, it's all Mickey Mouse this and Mickey Mouse that, you know. They want to die. EMILY: That's too bad. NATALIE: Where did you apply, dear? RORY: Harvard. DOUGLAS: No word yet? RORY: I'm not supposed to hear back for awhile. DOUGLAS: Where else? RORY: Where else? DOUGLAS: Where else did you apply? Your alternates? NATALIE: We're so curious, it's like we've been going through this ourselves. RORY: Well, I'm pretty much counting on Harvard. DOUGLAS: Well, you didn't apply to just Harvard, did you? RORY: Well, no. LORELAI: No? NATALIE: Am I prying? RORY: No. LORELAI: We applied elsewhere? DOUGLAS: You can't just apply to one place. NATALIE: Chilton wouldn't allow that. LORELAI: Is that true? RORY: Pretty much. LORELAI: Why didn't you tell me that? RORY: I was going to. NATALIE: You have to be safe. CLAUDE: My grandson – six schools. DOUGLAS: Same with Dustin. LORELAI: Where else did you apply? RORY: Just at some other schools. DOUGLAS: Well, if you're aiming at Harvard, that would be Princeton, Yale, maybe Vassar, Wesleyan. CLAUDE: Certainly Yale because of Richard's connections, yes? NATALIE: I would assume so. RORY: Those are the kinds of places, yup. LORELAI: The kinds of places or the places? Rory? RORY: Princeton. . . um, Yale. LORELAI: Yale? RICHARD: Yes? LORELAI: Yale, Dad? RICHARD: Oh, this is the first I'm hearing about it, Lorelai. LORELAI: Oh, bull. RORY: Mom. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: You did this. RICHARD: I haven't discussed this awful subject since the debacle at the campus. LORELAI: You forced her hand. RICHARD: I did nothing of the sort. RORY: Mom, wait. LORELAI: You made it seem like you'd be deeply hurt if she didn't apply to Yale, and she's very sensitive, so that's as good as forcing her hand. EMILY: Lorelai, really. LORELAI: You wanted her to go to Yale instead of Harvard, didn't you? RICHARD: Well, that wasn't a secret. CLAUDE: Lorelai ne veut pas que Rory aille à Yale. RICHARD: Je suis désolé de ce qui ce passe ici. LORELAI: Stick to English, Dad. RORY: Grandpa didn't force my hand. LORELAI: Honey, you weren't aware he was doing it. RICHARD: She is not a puppet, Lorelai. RORY: I needed a backup. LORELAI: But why Yale? RORY: I could live at home. LORELAI: You. EMILY: What? LORELAI: Well, you got to her. That was your thing. NATALIE: I'm afraid we started this. EMILY: This is not your doing, Natalie. RICHARD: Encore une fois, je suis désolé. EMILY: I never spoke to Rory about that. LORELAI: I don't believe you. RORY: I figured it out on my own, Mom. LORELAI: You're saying there have been no conversations, no emails? RORY: I can read a map. LORELAI: This is unbelievable. RICHARD: And past indelicate. We have guests. LORELAI: Yes, I'm sorry, I apologize, I'm sorry you have to see this. EMILY: This is paranoia, Lorelai. There's been no conspiring. LORELAI: I'm not being paranoid, Mom. For seventeen years, she was going to Harvard, and now all of a sudden, she's applied to Yale and she's mimicking everything you say. This is just crazy. [leaves the room] CLAUDE: Elle a dit que, ‘c'est de la folie.' EMILY: Excuse me, please. CUT TO BACK PATIO [Lorelai is standing outside as Emily walks out the back door] EMILY: It's freezing out here. LORELAI: It's Jamaica compared to in there. EMILY: It's just an alternative to Harvard, a backup. It changes nothing. LORELAI: No, no. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Mom, I don't wanna talk. EMILY: Do you believe we had nothing to do with this? LORELAI: Just for a second, Mom, please. Just let me digest this for a second. All this Yale stuff. . .agh! EMILY: You can't even let Rory have one piece of our lives, even if it's her choice. You hate us that much. [Lorelai doesn't respond. Emily walks back into the house] CUT TO THE KIM'S HOUSE [The last of the guests are leaving] MRS. KIM: Goodbye, drive safe. GUEST: Thank you. [leaves] LANE: Excellent Thanksgiving, Mama. MRS. KIM: I think people had fun. LANE: And it was nice of you to only charge half price on the chair that Yung Hee broke. MRS. KIM: That was my cost. LANE: That why it was nice. DAVE: Well, I guess I'll be going. MRS. KIM: All right. You did a good job. Thank you for your time, David. DAVE: Oh, you're welcome, Mrs. Kim. I enjoyed it. LANE: Yes, thank you. DAVE: You're welcome. MRS. KIM: Here. Some rice, spinach, lots of tofurkey. DAVE: Great, thanks. MRS. KIM: And something for your time. DAVE: That's very nice, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. MRS. KIM: Goodbye. [Dave leaves] MRS. KIM: Keep clearing. I'm going to start on the kitchen. LANE: Okay. Oh, Mama, look. Dave's bible. He forgot it. He's gonna need this, too. I'll run it out to him. MRS. KIM: Wait. LANE: We're gonna miss him. MRS. KIM: Let me see that. [takes the bible and reads the inside cover] ‘This bible belongs to God, but is being used by Dave Rygalski.' [hands the bible back to Lane] Go on. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lane rushes down the sidewalk; Dave is waiting by a tree] DAVE: Wow, you run really quiet. LANE: Sorry, I'm sorry about everything. DAVE: What? LANE: The whole night. I had no idea she'd make you play five straight hours without a break. DAVE: It's okay. LANE: Your hands must be dead. DAVE: They're just a little numb. But I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses now, how cool is that? LANE: But this whole thing, this whole charade, the fake flier and everything, it was too much. DAVE: Lane, it's fine. And that flier – I've gotten like three other calls for paying gigs. I should be paying you a commission. LANE: Oh, that's not necessary. DAVE: And check it out – twenty bucks. LANE: Wow, she liked you. DAVE: We'll put it towards our first real date. LANE: Really? After all this – the marathon hymns, the weak punch, the crabby Koreans, you still wanna go out on a date with me? [Dave nods, then kisses her] DAVE: I've gotta go. . . but I'm gonna call you tomorrow. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street] RORY: Are you mad? LORELAI: No, I'm not mad. RORY: You seem mad. LORELAI: I'm not mad. RORY: What are you feeling? LORELAI: I wouldn't know how to word it. RORY: Try. LORELAI: See, my head knows that whichever one of these places you go, Harvard, Princeton, Yale. . .it's gonna be great. It's gonna be awesome, and you're gonna come out on the other side an even more amazing you. But I just wish my head could sit down and have a chat with that gnawing feeling in my gut that's there every time my parents get involved in anything and tell it, it's gonna be okay. RORY: It's gonna be okay. LORELAI: Nice try. [They walk across Sookie's front yard] JACKSON: What else are we putting in the pot? Come on, let's think of something. Uh, a raspberry, a deep-fried raspberry. How ‘bout a rasquat? GUY: Cake! JACKSON: Cake! Deep-fried cake! GUY: Dibs on the deep-fried cake! JACKSON: You haven't even eaten your deep-fried biscotti. [Lorelai and Rory sit down at the picnic table with Sookie] LORELAI: Hey, Sookie. SOOKIE: Ah, hi there. LORELAI: Are you okay? SOOKIE: This tastes good. LORELAI: Yeah, it looks like they're deep-frying – SOOKIE: Everything. LORELAI: Huh. SOOKIE: Vegetables, mashed potatoes, butter, pickles, salt, a napkin. RORY: And yet, you're very serene. LORELAI: Uh, you're practically floating. SOOKIE: Well, you caught me at a good time, ladies. I've already gone through the five stages of grieving. Denial, anger. . .I don't remember these two, but they were served on the rocks with salt! Now, I'm just happily enscotched in acceptance. Enscotched. . . RORY: Ensconced? SOOKIE: Ensconced – that's it! I do believe I heard Phil suggest throwing Junior in. LORELAI: Junior? SOOKIE: His nephew. LORELAI: Whoa. SOOKIE: I chimed in on that one. LORELAI: What happened over there? SOOKIE: Mm, about a half-hour ago they set the lawn on fire. LORELAI: Ah. SOOKIE: But Phil says it's okay and everything ‘cause it'll grow back twice as lush. Though that's what he said when he broke my salad bowl that I brought back from Belgium. That'll maybe grow back, too, huh? [laughs] Phil is a riot. Am I crying or laughing? LORELAI: Laughing. SOOKIE: Good. [Rory's pager goes off] LORELAI: Who's that? RORY: It's Lane. It just says ‘bible kiss bible'. LORELAI: What does that mean? RORY: I have no idea. Good band name, though. LORELAI: Honey, we should get going? You gonna be okay? SOOKIE: I'm Sookie. LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but you're gonna be okay, right? You'll go to bed soon. SOOKIE: Unless they deep-fried it. LORELAI: I'm sure they haven't. Okay, we'll see you tomorrow. [Lorelai and Rory start walking away] RORY: Poor thing. LORELAI: Oh, she may not remember any of it. JACKSON: Deep-fried shoe! GUY: Deep-fried shoe! [Everyone cheers] CUT TO FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER [Luke and Jess walk out of the diner; Jess is carrying a garbage bag] JESS: Get more trash cans. LUKE: I don't need more. JESS: You make me run around town for a place to dump this. LUKE: Just dump it in one of Taylor's bins. It gets it out of here and it'll drive Taylor crazy. It's a win-win. LORELAI: Hi guys. LUKE: We're out of food. LORELAI: Oh, please, we're not eating for a year. RORY: Or ‘til tomorrow morning. LORELAI: Whichever comes first. Hi Saint Nick. JESS: Tell him he needs to get more trash cans. LUKE: Just go. LORELAI: You got any coffee? LUKE: That I've got. Come on in. Hey, did I see flames coming from Sookie's place about a half-hour ago? LORELAI: Yeah, why? [Lorelai and Luke walk into the diner. Rory follows Jess down the sidewalk] JESS: I still say you should get more tra. . . [Rory kisses him] RORY: Hi. JESS: Hi. RORY: Later. [Rory walks away. As Jess carries the trash bag down the street, he finds Dean standing on the sidewalk] DEAN: Nothing to say? JESS: Guess not. DEAN: That's funny, you usually have something to say. JESS: Guess I'm all talked out. DEAN: What's the matter, Jess? Why you walking away? JESS: It's getting a little West Side Story here, Dean, and I gotta warn you, my dancing skills are not up to snuff. DEAN: But now's your chance, there's no one else around. JESS: Go home. Cool off. DEAN: Come on, make one of your Boy Scout references, or a good Farmer John joke. I got my Doose's Market apron with me – you want me to put it on, give you a little inspiration? I don't get it, what happened – you suddenly like me now? JESS: Oh yeah, I was just about to invite you camping. DEAN: Good, okay, now we're getting somewhere. JESS: I'm not gonna fight you, Dean. DEAN: Why? JESS: ‘Cause if I fight you, Rory's gonna think it's my fault, so just forget it, okay? Just forget it. Go home. Let it rest. DEAN: So Rory's got a nice little hold on you now, huh? JESS: Geez. Don't do that. DEAN: How does it feel? JESS: It feels like I'm with Rory and you're not. DEAN: You know, when all this happened with you and me and Rory, I figured I'd just stay out of everyone's way, that that would be easiest. But now, I'm looking at you and I'm thinking, I'm gonna run from him? The Glad Man. This is my town, I'm not hiding. And I don't have be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot. Happy Thanksgiving, Jess. CUT TO INSIDE THE DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the counter] LUKE: So, how did the four dinners work out? You guys must feel more stuffed than you've ever been. LORELAI: I don't know. Is this more stuffed than the great Six Flags hot dog consumption of ‘99? RORY: No, or the taffy binge of '97. LORELAI: Not by a long shot. See, we didn't eat at my parents because of the upset, so we really had three dinners, not four. RORY: Which means. . . LORELAI: What? RORY: We didn't have to skip rolls. LORELAI: Oh yeah. Hey, do you have any rolls left? LUKE: No. Come on. LORELAI: Just a little something for the walk home. [Luke hands her a bag of rolls] LUKE: I don't see how you do it. LORELAI: Well, you're not us, are ya? Night Luke. RORY: Night Luke. LUKE: Night. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Rory walk past the gazebo] LORELAI: This has been a nice Thanksgiving. RORY: Very. LORELAI: Nicer for some than others though. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Night Kirk! [Kirk is trying to go to sleep on a bench in the gazebo] KIRK: Night.
doc_98
TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Brooke, Lucas, Peyton, Skills, Mouth are following Nathan and Haley, who is in labor, to the ambulance. Lucas receives a text message and leaves. TREE HILL POLICE STATION Dan walks in DAN : My name is Dan Scott. I killed my brother. TREE HILL HOSPITAL Karen is in the operating room, unconscious DOCTOR : Her heart rate's dropping. OB : Come on, Karen. Just breathe. Haley is in the labor room, with Nathan OB : Come on, Haley, just breathe. NATHAN : You're doing good, baby. You're doing so good. I'm right here. Karen's operating room, Lucas is behind the window, watching. LUCAS : Come on, mom. I'm right here. (we hear the monitor, her heart stops) DOCTOR : She's coded. LUCAS : Mom! KAREN'S DREAM She is alone in a beautiful park when Keith arrives KEITH : Karen? (She jumps in his arms and they kiss, then a little girl arrives) LITTLE GIRL : Yuck! KAREN : Who's that? KEITH : Don't you know? KAREN : She's our daughter. LITTLE GIRL : Mommy! Daddy! Come play with me! (Both join the girl) LITTLE GIRL : What flower is this, mommy? KAREN : This is a lily. (the girl goes play in the park) KAREN : Oh, she's beautiful. KEITH : Just like her mother. LITTLE GIRL : Mommy, come with me. KEITH : You should go watch over her. I'll wait for you. It's okay. I'll be right here. (They kiss and Karen goes to see her daughter) LITTLE GIRL : Come with me, mommy! KEITH : Look for me in the lilies. KAREN : There's my girl. These are for you. It's a beautiful lily. TREE HILL HOSPITAL Back in Karen's operating room, they shock her and we hear her heart beating again DOCTOR : Stats and vitals rising. We got her back. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL Brooke is still where the ambulance was, she finds Haley's valedictorian speech and reads it BROOKE (voiceover) : Now is the time for us to shine, the time when our dreams are within reach and possibilities vast. Now is the time for all of us... to become the people we've always dreamed of being. This is your world. You're here." TREE HILL HOSPITAL Haley is giving birth to their child OB : It's a boy. BROOKE (voiceover) : You matter. NATHAN : Just relax. HALEY : You're a dad! NATHAN : You did so good. You did so good. We have a son. We have a son. HALEY : I want to see him. (Haley takes the baby in her arms HALEY : Hi. Hi, baby. BROOKE (voiceover) : The world is waiting. HALEY : Welcome to the world, James Lucas Scott. Look, that's your daddy. NATHAN : He's so beautiful. HALEY : That's your daddy. SCOTT'S HOUSE, 2 WEEKS LATER Nathan is holding his son, watching basketball and listening rap music. Haley walks in HALEY : Unbelievable. He's only mellow when we play rap music? What happened to the classical music I played for nine months? NATHAN : I got a confession to make. Every time you fell asleep, I went to old-school hip-hop. That's my boy, isn't it? That's my boy. You like some old-school hip-hop, huh? Yeah. GRAVEYARD Karen is sitting in front of Keith's grave, holding their daughter. KAREN : Hi, Keith. It's us. Her name is Lily. Lily Roe Scott. Hi. I'm gonna be seeing you in her every day. SIDE OF A ROAD Peyton is outside her car with the hood opened, Lucas arrives in his car LUCAS : You've got to be kidding me. Again? PEYTON : I guess. LUCAS : Doesn't look like anything's wrong. You sure it won't start? Peyton? (Lucas closes the hood, Peyton is sitting inside the car) PEYTON : Oh, the car's fine. I was just feeling sentimental about the first time we spoke. LUCAS : Feeling sentimental, or avoiding packing for your trip to Los Angeles with Brooke tomorrow? PEYTON : I don't want to go. I mean, I do want to go. I'm just... I'm gonna miss you. LUCAS : Come on, look. At least you know what you're gonna do. PEYTON : You still haven't decided yet? LUCAS : I just didn't see this other thing coming, you know? PEYTON : Can I help you? LUCAS : I don't think so. I just keep telling myself that... there will be some significant moment when I will know what to do. How about you? Can I help you? PEYTON : Yeah. Remember when your mom was in the hospital, and you asked me just to lie with you and heal you? LUCAS : Yeah. PEYTON : I think I could use some of that healing before tomorrow. LUCAS : I can do that. SCOTT'S HOUSE NATHAN : So, you know, there's a big party tonight, kind of a last hurrah for all the seniors. HALEY : I know, but what are we gonna do with the baby? (Deb walks in) DEB : Cue the crazy grandmother. And F.Y.I., if either of you ever calls me "grandmother" in public, I'll use my gun. Which is at the range, safe from the most beautiful baby boy in the world. Next to you, Nathan, of course. Oh, who am I kidding? You are the cutest. You, you, you. Go. I'll watch him. HALEY : Oh, I don't know. NATHAN : We're underage, mom, and there's gonna be drinking, alcohol, probably some drugs. DEB : You're going to the party, and you're going to have fun. We insist. Now go. Bring me home some drugs. Isn't grandma funny? Isn't she? PARTY HOUSE IN THE WOOD Lots of people are arriving at the party BROOKE : Wow. So, what's the deal with this party, anyway? MOUTH : At midnight, the Tree Hill high computers change over, and the juniors become seniors. BROOKE : So, what happens to us? CHASE : We're gone. BROOKE : I don't want to be gone. CHASE : Well, you got until midnight. MOUTH : Hey, let me ask you guys something. Does it look like I'm wearing a blouse? BROOKE : I like it. CHASE : Uh, it's a little... MOUTH : Great. I'm the blouse man. It looks like I'm competing in men's ice dancing, doesn't it? CHASE : No, it looks like you're winning men's ice dancing. BROOKE : Stop it. It's fine. CHASE : I'm just playing. As long as you don't have wine coolers in that bag, you're good. MOUTH : You know what? You guys go ahead. I'm gonna, uh, grab my jacket. (Mouth leaves) CHASE : Hey, listen. I'm gonna stay out of your way tonight 'cause you got a lot of people to say goodbye to before you leave tomorrow. BROOKE : Thanks. Lucas and Peyton arrive at the party PEYTON : Maybe I don't even have to go. I mean, what do interns do anyway? They, like, answer phones. I already know how to answer phones. Look... Hello? LUCAS : You're going, and you're gonna have fun. Haley and Nathan arrive at the party HALEY : Okay, we'll have fun. I just saying, maybe I should give Deb one quick call just to check in. NATHAN : Hales, come on, I miss the boy, too, but we're not gonna be those crazy, obsessive parents. You need to enjoy one last night with all your friends. HALEY : Okay, I won't call. NATHAN : All right. Tonight's gonna rock. Brooke and Chase are walking all the way to the entrance BROOKE : Tonight's gonna suck. I can't believe they're gonna erase us. CHASE : No, I see possibilities in a night like this. It's your last chance to tell someone you love them, maybe apologize to an old friend, try something new. Tonight has greatness written all over it. I can feel it. BROOKE : Okay. GUY : Name. BROOKE : Brooke Davis. GUY : I'm sorry. I've got strict orders not to admit Brooke Davis. BROOKE : Excuse me? Whose stupid party is this, anyway? RACHEL : Mine, bitch. And your fat ass isn't invited. BROOKE : Oh, my god. Rachel finds Mouth RACHEL : Well, if it isn't the only guy to ever leave me in a hotel room before the s*x. MOUTH : Well, well. Come here. Where you been? What are you doing here? RACHEL : Well, where I've been's a long story. What I'm doing here's pretty easy. I missed you. MOUTH : I missed you, too. (Brooke arrives) BROOKE : Hang out with her too long, you're gonna end up in Honey Grove. I need to borrow you. Come with me, boy and friend. MOUTH : Where to? BROOKE : Someone's playing spin the bottle. MOUTH : Spin the bottle? What are we... 13? BROOKE : Shut up. God. Look, if you ask me, it's really stupid that we all ever stopped playing spin the bottle, so quit being so grumpy. MOUTH : Hey, you'd be grumpy, too, if a girl you had history with just showed up out of the blue. (They both walk inside the house and find Shelly, already playing spin the bottle) SHELLY (surprised) : Mouth. BROOKE (to Mouth) : You were saying? (Mouth leaves) BROOKE : Hi. Haley is alone, on the phone HALEY : Hey, Deb, hi. It's... It's me. I... I'm sorry to bother you. I just wanted to... check in, yeah. Everything's great? Great. Okay, good, good. All right. Thanks. Oh, also, can you just not tell Nathan that I called this time... or last time? Thanks. Also, uh, before you go, he really likes his little... giraffe. (Rachel arrives behind her and flicks her in the back of her head) HALEY : Ow! RACHEL : That's for soaking me at the last party. The bitch slap, I deserved. (Rachel starts leaving, Haley throws her glass at her back) HALEY : That's for flicking me in the back of the head. (Haley leaves) RACHEL : I'm gonna miss this. Nathan is on the roof, Lucas joins him LUCAS : Is that Nathan Scott, big-time college basketball player? NATHAN : Small-time college basketball player. LUCAS : Well, whatever, but... congratulations, man... on everything. How's fatherhood? NATHAN : It's awesome. How's brotherhood? LUCAS : Awesome. (they exchange pictures) NATHAN : She's beautiful, Luke. LUCAS : Handsome kid. Looks like his uncle. (They stay in silence for a while) NATHAN : We got to go see him. LUCAS : Yeah, I know. But what do you say to your father the murderer? NATHAN : Whatever we say, we just get it over with. I'm tired of carrying it around and avoiding him. LUCAS : Let's do it tonight. Let's stop running from him. NATHAN : Okay. Okay, we'll go later tonight, then. May need a few drinks first. (Nathan starts leaving) NATHAN : Lucas... I'm sorry I didn't believe you. LUCAS : I'm sorry I was right. Brooke is looking at her cell phone, Chase sent her a video CHASE (message) : Brooke Davis, look to your right, and you'll see the hottest guy at the party. (Brooke looks at Chase, but Haley arrives) HALEY : Hey. BROOKE : Hi, tutor mom. How you feeling... you having fun or you worried about the kid? HALEY : Um, I am... worried... about you, too. I'm gonna miss you this summer. BROOKE : Okay, don't. Don't do that. Don't make me cry 'cause I'm barely holding it together as it is. HALEY : Nathan and I want you to be James' godmother. BROOKE : Okay, that's gonna do it. Haley. I would be honored to be his godmother, and I promise you that, unlike my ungodly mother, I will so kick ass at this. HALEY : I know you will... as long as you don't say "kick ass" around him too much. BROOKE : Right, sorry. Shelly is alone, Peyton comes see her PEYTON : Like your leather. You're Shelly, right? SHELLY : Yeah. Uh, we had current events together, right? PEYTON : Yeah. Hey, I just want to tell you, I think Clean Teens is really cool. SHELLY : Thanks. I... kind of ended it. PEYTON : Well, it's still really brave of you. I totally would have joined if I didn't love s*x so much. That's a joke. SHELLY : Yeah. (Rachel joins them) RACHEL : Man, Clean Teen wardrobe sure has changed. I want back in. (Brooke and Haley arrive too) BROOKE : Look at this. It's like a Clean Teen reunion. All we need now is Chase, but... honestly, he's not that clean. He appreciates the art of a dirty text message. (Bevin arrives and grabs the girls to dance) RACHEL : I don't suppose the Clean Teen dances much. SHELLY : Oh, please. I was doing the whole slut thing long before you, bitch. Skills is inside the house SKILLS (singing) : "If you wanna be my lover You got to get with my friends" (Lucas arrives) SKILLS : What? It's catchy. LUCAS : You believe in miracles, Skills? 'Cause there's no way in hell a couple of vagabonds like us walked off the River Court and won the State Championship. SKILLS : Yeah. Hey, you know my joint ain't too far from U.N.C. this year, right? We gonna be boys for life. LUCAS : Hey, you guys play Nathan and Whitey next season? SKILLS : December 9th, 3:00, and I plan to score at 3:01, 3:02, and 3:03. You gonna be there, right? LUCAS : We'll see. SKILLS : "We'll see"? Kill all that "boys for life" talk, dog. Matter of fact, we ain't even friends right now. LUCAS : Right. SKILLS : Be right back. (Skills leaves when Nathan arrives) NATHAN : Hey, Skills. All right. Let's go see Dan. LUCAS : You sure? NATHAN : Yeah, I'm sure. Why? Aren't you? LUCAS : I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] INSIDE PRISON Dan is in his cell POLICE OFFICER : Scott. Visitation. (Karen arrives in front of his cell) KAREN : I have a daughter. Her name is Lily. And someday, when she's old enough, she's gonna ask me where her daddy is... Who he was... and how he died. And on that day, I'm gonna look into her beautiful eyes... eyes that don't know of malice... and jealousy... and evil... and I'm gonna say... "Your father loved his younger brother very much, and that brother took him from you for your entire life. He made sure you would never know your father." DAN (crying) : Karen. (Karen spits on the window and leaves) PARTY HOUSE IN THE WOOD Brooke is watching everybody from a far, alone SKILLS : You must be drinking, baby. BEVIN : No, I don't wanna drink. I just wanna be upside down. This isn't funny. (Lucas arrives) LUCAS : So, you ready to leave tomorrow? (He sees her crying) LUCAS : Hey, what's wrong? BROOKE : I don't know. I just, um... I know moving on is a good thing. I guess I'm just scared. You know? High school's safe, and I'm not sure I'm ready for the real world. LUCAS : For the past few months, I've been writing this... I guess in part so I could remember it all. But, um... here. (Lucas opens his book and gives it to her) BROOKE (reading) : "She was fiercely independent. Brooke Davis... Brilliant and beautiful and brave. In two years, she'd grown more than anyone I had ever known. Brooke Davis is gonna change the world someday, and I'm not sure she even knows it." LUCAS : You're gonna do great, Brooke. The world doesn't stand a chance. BROOKE : Thank you. Shelly is in the middle of the crowd GIRL : Hey, Shelly. Nice moves. SHELLY : Thanks. GUY : Hey, Shelly... nice skirt. So, you gonna let me slide you out of that at church camp again or what? Come on... slut. (Mouth arrives) MOUTH : What did you say? SHELLY : Mouth, it's okay. MOUTH : No, it's not okay. GUY : Oh, no? Whatever, geek. (The guy pushes Mouth) SHELLY : What are you doing? GUY : Do you believe this? (Mouth gets off the ground) GUY : You know, I was gonna take it easy on... (Mouth punches the guy in the face) MOUTH : Yeah, me, too. MOUTH (to Shelly) : He's sorry. You look great. Nathan is showing some pictures of his son REESE : Oh, my gosh. Nathan, your baby is so beautiful. NATHAN : He is, isn't he? (Haley arrives) HALEY : Hi. Sorry. Can we just have a second? REESE : Congratulations, Haley. HALEY : Thank you, Reese. (The girls leave) HALEY : Um, we need to go home. NATHAN : Why? What is it? HALEY : I know we promised we wouldn't do this, but I called just to check in on the baby, and Deb's not answering the phone, there's no busy signal, no answering machine, and she's not answering her cellphone. NATHAN : Okay, let's not freak out, okay? It doesn't mean my mom's not on top of it. HALEY : Your mom the former drug addict, attempted murderer, who dropped a loaded gun in the café? NATHAN : It wouldn't hurt to check. HALEY : Right. Mouth and Shelly are sitting on a couch SHELLY : I thought about calling you a million times. Are you mad at me? MOUTH : No. I just stayed away because you asked me to. No, uh, Clean Teen shirt, huh? SHELLY : No. It was time to end it. I was just trying to find my place, you know? MOUTH : Yeah. You'll always be important to me, Shelly. (Mouth starts leaving) SHELLY : Mouth. (She hugs him) MOUTH : I like the skirt. Peyton finds Brooke alone PEYTON : Hey, you. What have you been up to? BROOKE : Flirting with Lucas. PEYTON : Oh, yeah? How'd that turn out? BROOKE : Meh. So, so. Love triangles are so high school. PEYTON : Seriously. BROOKE : We made it, didn't we? Through all the tragedy and jealousy and confusion... We made it. PEYTON : Yeah. Hoes over bros, right? BROOKE : I love you, P. Sawyer. PEYTON : I love you, too, B. Davis. Fergie, Junk and Mouth are sitting on the roof, Skills joins them SKILLS : Almost midnight... end of an era. Four years of high school and zero girlfriends for Junk and Fergie. JUNK : My girlfriend's canadian. SKILLS : Man, whatever. What you thinking about, Marv? (Mouth spins the bottle, which point Brooke) MOUTH : I'll be right back. (Mouth jumps from the roof, walks toward Brooke and kiss her) JUNK, FERGIE, SKILLS (screaming) : Hey, Mouth, what's... SKILLS : Yeah, Mouth! That's my dog! MOUTH : I always wanted to do that. (Mouth leaves and passes Chase) MOUTH : Sorry. BROOKE : Um... did you... CHASE : I-I said you could hang out. I didn't say you could make out. BROOKE : Do you see what happens when you leave me alone all night? I mean, seriously, thank you for letting me say goodbye to all my friends, but you're the one I want to finish the night with. CHASE : I was hoping you were gonna say that. BROOKE : How about you kiss me till I have to leave tomorrow? CHASE : It's a start. Come on. SCOTT'S HOUSE Deb is sitting with Jamie sleeping in her arms. Haley and Nathan walk in. HALEY : Deb? NATHAN : Mom? Mom, what happened to the phone? DEB : I unplugged it. NATHAN : Why? DEB : Because the two of you were driving us crazy. HALEY : The two of us? NATHAN : I might have called a couple of times. DEB : Six times. HALEY : You crazy, obsessive parent. DEB : You called eight. HALEY : I missed him. DEB : He's fine. But go back to the party and have fun. You have the rest of your lives to worry about children. Trust me. (Deb leaves) HALEY : All right. You want to go back? NATHAN : Yeah. Hey, hold on a second. You're gonna be a great mom, you know that? Actually, you already are a great mother, and that's very sexy. HALEY : Really? We don't have to go back right away. NATHAN : You're absolutely right. PARTY HOUSE IN THE WOOD Brooke and Chase are in a car, kissing. Brooke starts to get undressed CHASE : Did I mention this was the greatest night of my life? BROOKE : Well, you said it was a night to be great and to try new things, so I figured we'd do both at once. CHASE : You're gonna change the world someday, Brooke Davis. BROOKE : Yeah, so I've been told. CHASE : Be gentle with me. Lucas and Peyton are alone, sitting on a bench, far from the party LUCAS : I don't want you to go. PEYTON : What? LUCAS : I'm sorry. I just... I've been trying to put a good face on. God, I love you so much, Peyton. PEYTON : So you want me to stay? LUCAS : Yeah. PEYTON : Then I'll stay. LUCAS : No, you won't. I want you to stay. But I won't let you. And do you know why? Because I've told you before... You are destined for greatness. And it starts tomorrow morning. PEYTON : It's not gonna matter anyway... whether I stay or I go... with us... 'cause I'm gonna love you forever, Lucas Scott. (Nathan an Haley join them) NATHAN : Yeah, so am I. PEYTON : Hey, where have you guys been? HALEY : I don't know. Around. Hey, um, you got a sec, Luke? LUCAS : Yeah. (Haley and Lucas go for a walk, Nathan sits with Peyton) PEYTON : All right, let me see that baby. Oh, god. NATHAN : Not bad, huh? PEYTON : Good work, buddy. NATHAN : I made that. Brooke and Chase are still in the car CHASE : So, tell me that was the greatest 60 seconds of your life. BROOKE : Stop. It was great. CHASE : So great you're gonna stay? BROOKE : Mmm... not really that great. CHASE : Suddenly I feel used. But it's okay, considering I've been used by Brooke Davis. BROOKE : Shut up. You know I'm lying. I am gonna miss you. I already do. You've become such a big part of my life, sometimes I think it's strange that I didn't know you till now. CHASE : It's okay. Put me in your heart and go see everything, Brooke. And then come back to me. Haley and Lucas are walking HALEY : I'm sad. I am sad. I... It just hit me today that you and I have been together pretty much every day of our lives, and we're gonna have to say goodbye soon. We're not gonna... LUCAS : Hales. HALEY : Look, I just... I really want you to know that I love you and there's a reason why our son's middle name is Lucas. You had Keith, and James is gonna have you. And, um... Nathan and I would like for his uncle Lucas to also be his godfather. LUCAS : Thank you. I would love to. HALEY : Good. I just... I hope he learns how to follow his heart like you do. I'm really gonna miss you, Luke. LUCAS : No, you're not. HALEY : What do you mean? What's so funny? LUCAS : Do you want to hear a secret? (Lucas whispers something to Haley) HALEY : Oh, Luke. Rachel is inside the house, Brooke comes to see her RACHEL : Hey. Where you been? BROOKE : Having s*x. RACHEL : You're funny. BROOKE : I have something for you. (Brooke gives Rachel her diploma) BROOKE : Turner gave it to me. Happy graduation. RACHEL : You told him the truth, didn't you? BROOKE : Maybe. RACHEL : You know, of all the schools I got suspended from... I'm glad I graduated from this one. BROOKE : Me too. Lucas joins Nathan who's alone LUCAS : I've been thinking about Dan. NATHAN : Yeah? LUCAS : Why should we go see him? NATHAN : You mean tonight? LUCAS : No, I mean... I mean at all. I mean... he's had control over us since we were born. These are our lives, not his. I say we go on without him. I say... we never go see him. Ever. NATHAN : I know it sounds horrible to say, but, uh... I'm okay with that. I mean, I got a great wife, I got a beautiful baby son, and I got a hell of a brother. LUCAS : Yeah... hell of a brother who's gonna be your coach. Whitey offered me an assistant-coaching job. I'm gonna take it. NATHAN : What? When did you decide this? LUCAS : About the same time I became a godfather. NATHAN : That's great, man. We'll do it together. LUCAS : By the way, make sure you play well on december 9th. If Skills beats us, he's never gonna let us hear the end of it. NATHAN : Yeah. Everybody is outside the house EVERYBODY : 12...11...10...9...8... LUCAS : What's going on? MOUTH : It's almost midnight. EVERYBODY : ...5...4...3...2...1! We're seniors! BROOKE : Oh, high-school kids. Let's get out of here, you guys. BEVIN : Where to? SKILLS : I know a place open all night. Let's roll. RIVERCOURT All the band arrive PEYTON : Girls versus boys! (They start playing) HALEY (whispering to Nathan) : You give me that ball and I'll make it worth for a while. NATHAN : Sorry, guys. HALEY : Sweet! Later, they all wrote their names down the court, and they stand all together. BROOKE : Okay. We're not gonna do this. We're not gonna get sad. Nothing's gonna change now. We'll all be friends forever. I know it. LUCAS : Look, in four years, we're gonna be right back here. You know, done with college or... wherever we go. Right? EVERYBODY : Yeah. NATHAN (to Lucas) : Hey. Ready for a rematch, or you afraid you're gonna get worked? LUCAS : Do you really want to end your night with a loss? MOUTH : Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another historic night. NATHAN : You sure you're up for this, old man? LUCAS : I could do this forever, little brother.
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Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is seeing a guest off the premises. Both are dressed in tuxedos, as are Niles, Martin and Bulldog who are also in the room. Roz and Daphne are decked out in elegant eveningwear. Frasier: [opening the front door as the guest walks out] Glad you came back with us. I hope you had a good time. Well, I can't tell you how much fun this has been. Listen, now that you know the way don't be a stranger. OK. Good night! [closes the door after the man] Who the hell was that? Niles: He's not from the station? Roz: I never saw him before. Daphne: He was table-hopping like crazy during the awards. Martin: That's 'cause he was our waiter. Frasier: Well, that's the last time I say, "everybody back to my place!" Bulldog: [holding up his SeaBea] Who cares about that guy? This is a great night. Roz: For you, maybe. The rest of us lost. Bulldog: Hey, it's not important whether you win or lose. It's an honour just being nomin... [breaks into laughter] I couldn't get through that crap on stage, I can't get through it now! Roz: Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone? Frasier: No, not at all. Who are you calling? It's practically midnight. Roz: Oh, I promised my grandmother I'd leave her a message telling her how we did. [dials the number then starts speaking into the phone] Hey Gammy, it's Roz. Guess what? We won again! We're all here celebrating. Roz holds up the phone to indicate they make some kind of noise of celebration. All they can muster is a half-hearted "YEAH!" sounding completely unconvincing. Roz: Listen, I gotta go. It's getting crazy here but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye. Niles: You lied to "Gammy?" Roz: Well, she's old and it makes her happy. She smiled for a week when I won the Miss Seattle Pageant! Frasier: You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question... Martin: [preparing for the worst] Oh, here we go. Buckle up! Frasier: Is it always morally wrong to lie? We are taught that it is. Though obviously there are certain occasions when a lie would be acceptable. Bulldog: Yeah, like the lies you tell a chick in bed. "You're the best I've ever been with"; "Your thighs don't look that fat"; "Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy." [Bulldog notes the disgusted faces around the room] Hey, screw you guys! I'm an artist; we live by different rules. Niles: An argument can certainly be made that a lie is good when it spares someone unnecessary pain. I'm reminded of Maris's brief flirtation with active wear when I assured her, "You look fine, darling. Spandex is supposed to blouse!" Frasier: You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien. [laughs] Martin: Seems as good an explanation as any! Frasier: He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head. [laughs again] Roz: How did Lilith find out? Frasier: Well, apparently she was driving him and Toby to a Junior Mensa meeting, she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "I can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants! Laughter all around. Daphne: I did my fair share of fibbing too. I once told my school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to my hip. [Daphne laughs hilariously whilst the others look slightly perturbed] Of course they were horrified and it didn't help my social life at all. [sighs] But for a while there it was nice having a sister. Niles nods his head in sympathy before subtly removing the glass of champagne from Daphne's hand and passing it to Frasier who nods his head in agreement. Niles: Oh. Remember in prep school when we were so desperate to avoid The President's Physical Fitness Test... Frasier: ...that we lit a match underneath the fire alarm and all the sprinklers went off. Niles: And we blamed that delinquent kid, John Rajeski. Frasier: Yes. Martin: [appalled] You did what? Frasier: What's wrong? Martin: You two swore up and down to me that you never set off that alarm. Frasier: [laughing] Well, of course we weren't going to tell you. Martin storms off into the kitchen. Niles: For Heaven's sake, Dad, you can't be mad. We were kids. Martin: [turning back] You know, the headmaster said it was you two. I went down there and raised hell with him. I said, "My kids don't lie." Because of you that Rajeski kid got expelled! Frasier: [shocked] Expelled? If we'd have known that was going to happen we would have told the truth. Niles: [unrepentant] Not me. He was a brute and a meanie. Frasier: You're right. He used to make the most merciless fun of me, about how I always wore my gym shorts in the shower. He used to call me "Shorts In The Shower Boy." You don't have to be witty to be cruel. Martin: Well, I don't give a damn what that kid did. Getting him expelled was worse. [angrily] I'm going to bed. Good night, everybody. Everyone says good night as Martin goes through to the bedroom. Frasier: Well, I guess that brings an end to our little debate. Apparently there are no good lies. Bulldog: Hey, hey, it's getting kinda heavy in here. We gotta liven this place up, huh? Hey, I know - party games, huh? All right Doc, I'm going to need a blindfold, whipped cream and a glass coffee table. [everyone looks mystified] What? Nobody went to camp? Roz: [getting up] Forget it, Bulldog. These guys are no fun. [grabs his butt as she walks past] You know what? I know a great after-hours place where we can go get a few drinks. Bulldog: [rushing after Roz to the front door] Now you're talking. Hey, if things go well I know an after after-hours place. And I got the keys. Roz: Mmm. You get the elevator; I'll get my coat. Bulldog: You're on. Bulldog rushes out and Roz closes the door behind him, firmly locking it. Roz: No good lies, my ass! Daphne laughs and Frasier and Niles toast each other with their champagne. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Café Nervosa. Niles walks in and sees Frasier sitting down. Niles hangs up his coat before sitting down. It is apparent that both brothers are wearing exactly the same suit right down to the shirt and tie. Niles: Good morning, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, good morning, Niles... [suddenly notices Niles's suit] Oh dear God - it's finally happened. This is the thanks I get for introducing you to my personal shopper. I gave her specific instructions to write down every article of clothing that I had purchased so we could avoid this sort of calamity! Niles: I didn't use Renaldo. This suit just caught my eye while I was shopping for shoes. Niles and Frasier suddenly stop and stare tentatively at each other's shoes. They both reel back in horror as they realise they've got the same as well. Niles: [annoyed] Well, why didn't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's build? Frasier: Oh please. Niles: Obviously we have to sit apart. Frasier: Sit down! There's something I need to talk to you about. I doubt most people are as tuned to these things as you and I are. I'm sure they won't even notice. At this point the waitress approaches with two coffees. Waitress: [to Frasier] Here you are, double espresso. [to Niles] I took a chance and brought you the same thing. [leaves] Frasier: After our conversation last night I couldn't stop thinking about our getting John Rajeski expelled. I didn't sleep a wink. Niles: You can't be serious? Frasier: You mean it didn't bother you? Where is your conscience? Niles: Perhaps it fell into the quad - along with my hall monitor beret when John hung me from the flagpole! He was going to be expelled sooner or later. You cannot guilt me into feeling bad. Frasier: Yes, well, no one hated him more than I did but I still think we owe him an apology. Can I borrow your phone, Niles? Niles: Certainly. [hands over phone then suddenly realises] You're not going to call him? Frasier: I am. Niles: Are you insane? Frasier: [speaking into the phone] A number for a John Rajeski, please? [speaking to Niles] Niles, my conscience won't rest until the two of us have said we're sorry. [speaking into phone] Oh yes, connect me please. Niles: Leave me out of this. I'm not sorry. But don't tell him that. And if he asks, I'm living in Italy. No, no, France. No, Italy! Frasier: [speaking into the phone] Yes, hello. Is John Rajeski there, please? It's an old friend... Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Thank you. [hangs up] Niles, it's worse than we thought - he's in prison. Niles: [smug] Well... who's wearing shorts in the shower now? Frasier: Well, joke all you like. I still can't help thinking this is all our fault. Niles: How? Frasier: Well, he was always on the cusp. Maybe he couldn't get into another prep school. Maybe he had to go to public. Got in with the wrong crowd. Couldn't hold on to a job. He could turn to a life of crime. Niles: Frasier. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people. We did not set him on the path to prison. Frasier: Yes, well until I'm sure of that fact my conscience will not rest. I have got to speak with him. [to waiter] Can I have the check, please? Niles: [incredulous] You're not going down to the jail? Frasier: Yes, I am. I invite you to join me. Niles: [sarcastic] Yes, that's a good idea, Frasier. The Crane boys going to a prison in matching outfits! [SCENE_BREAK] DEAD MAN TALKING Scene 3 - The prison. Frasier is nervously walking round a room bare except for a table and two chairs in the middle of the floor. John Rajeski is brought in by a guard. [N.B. John Rajeski is actually the name of one of the show's producer's assistants. He appears as a Cafe Nervosa waiter in [3.24], "You Can Go Home Again."] John: Frasier Crane? Frasier: John. John: [smiling and shaking his hand] Hey. How's it going? Frasier: Well, fine. And you? John: Eh... [shrugs and waves at his surroundings] What brings you down here? Frasier: Well, I don't know if you get the alumni magazine, but I became a psychiatrist, and I'm currently conducting a study on men behind bars and how they got there... [notices John's fists] That's an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles. John: [laughs] I caught some guy using my comb. I really hate it when people touch my stuff. Niles: Oh, yes. I remember my brother Niles once sat in your chair in the cafeteria. As I recall you put him on a tray and ran him through the dishwasher. John: Yeah, class clown - that was me. [both laugh at this] How is Niles, anyway? Frasier: Ah, er... ah, he's abroad now. John: Really? Whoa, that must have hurt. Frasier: No, no, I mean, er... yes, I suppose it did! Well anyway, it would be an enormous help in my study if you could perhaps pinpoint the moment or event in your life that led you to here. John: Ah, that's easy. I'm doing time for passing a bad check. Frasier: Ah. [begins writing in his notebook] John: You see, I wanted to get my wife something nice. We're going through a rough time recently. I was scared she was going to leave me, you know? Frasier: [relieved] Well, that was quick and painless. We've identified the point where you fell off the beam. [gets up to leave] John: Actually though, I was already on probation. I did some time about ten years back for driving a car that didn't belong to me. Frasier: And that was your first infraction? John: Yeah. Frasier: [getting up again] Well then, case closed, mystery solved. A young man yields to the lure of a bright and shiny car. Is there anything more tragic? John: I did have a juvenile record. Frasier: [sitting down again] Apparently there is. John: I got in a high school fight. Frasier: You did say high school, not prep school? John: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is way after you knew me. I went bad then. Always getting into fights. Of course I wouldn't have been there in the first place if I hadn't have gotten thrown out of that good school me and you were in. That had a big effect on me you know? Frasier: Yes well, perhaps we could continue our backward journey through... John: [getting up] No, no, no. That was a bum rap. Somebody pulled the fire alarm and they blamed me for it. They said I did it but I didn't do it. Frasier: [becoming visibly worried] Let's discuss your early childhood. John: [stamping his fist off the desk in anger] You know, the more I think about it, this all started the day I got thrown out of prep school. Ever since then my life's been crap! CRAP! [now banging the desk in rage] Frasier: [hurriedly gathering his notebook and getting up] I think I have all the information I need now. John: Sorry, I didn't mean to blow like that. Frasier: Well, that's all right, John. [shaking hands with John] Thank you for your time. John: I got plenty of it. I'll see you, huh? Frasier: [nervously thinking as John knocks on the door to leave] No, no, John. There's just one more thing. [turns to the guard who's ready to take John back] One second, please. [turns to John] There's something I need to tell you about, something that I did in school that I'm not very proud of... At this point a very large, very burly fellow prisoner covered in bruises and a neck cast appears at the door. Prisoner: Yo, John. Sorry I touched your comb, man. Needless to say Frasier looks frightened out of his wits as the prisoner scuttles off. John: So what did you do? Frasier: Er... well, I, er... I peeked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz. John: [jokingly] And I'm the one who gets expelled? John is led away by the guard leaving Frasier wondering how he can break the news to John. End of Act 1 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is sitting back in his chair. Daphne opens the front door to a limping, leaning Niles. Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane Niles: Hello, Daphne, Dad. Daphne: Something wrong with your back? Niles: I injured it this morning playing squash. I had to make a dive to save match point. Daphne: Well, I've got just the thing to take care of that. You take off your jacket, I'll be right back. [goes to the powder room] Niles: You're too kind. You know, I should never even have attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick. Daphne looks suitably impressed before closing the door. Martin: You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you? Niles: Quiet! Daphne returns with a small tub of something. Daphne: All right, pull out your shirttails and lay facedown on the sofa. I can guarantee you within a minute you'll be feeling much better. [Niles lies down and mutters a moan of satisfaction] I haven't even touched you yet! Niles: I started without you. Daphne proceeds to rub Niles's back with some sort of liniment. Martin: [concerned] Hey, wait a minute. You're not gonna use that stuff on him, are you? She used it on me one time, it burned like hell! Daphne: Oh, hush up, old man. It helped you, didn't it? Martin: It nearly killed me! Daphne: Listen to the big tough policeman. You don't hear your son complaining, do we, Dr. Crane? Niles: [in heaven] Not a bit! Frost me like a cake! Martin: Well, just wait a minute. It goes on cool but it then it turns into a blowtorch. Daphne: Well, I guess now we know who the real man in the family is, don't we? Niles: I should say we d...[winces slightly] Ooh! Martin smiles at him. Daphne: Is it starting to warm up? Niles: [wincing a little more] Ahh, yeah! It's a... refreshing heat, like those towels they give you on the airplane. [clearly feigning pleasure] Whoooo! Daphne: I'm not hurting you, am I? Niles: No, no. I'm just a little ticklish back there. He bites down on the pillow to muffle his screams. Martin: Well, I guess you are the tough one! Daphne: [getting up] There you go. Martin: Oh, no, wait a minute, Daphne - you missed a big spot right there. Niles: [hastily getting up] No, that's OK! Because it's all done now! Thank you, Daphne! [in agony] A few minutes ago I was bent over in pain, [rushes for the kitchen bounding over the coffee table] but now look at me, I'm running! Niles heads straight for the refrigerator, finds a bag of frozen peas and stuffs them down the back of his shirt, followed by the tub of ice cream. He turns around and desperately rubs his back against the fridge. Back in the living room Daphne is talking to Martin. Daphne: How is that hip of yours, anyway? Martin: Back off, witch woman! The front door opens and Frasier walks in. Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Evening, Daphne. Martin: How did you get on at the jail? Frasier: Horribly! The man is convinced that getting thrown out of prep school was the beginning of his life of crime. Martin: Been thinking that all these years? Frasier: [disconsolate] No. I sort of connected the dots for him! Martin: You tell him it was you? Frasier: I intended to, but I became convinced that the man would be willing to perform unspeakable atrocities on the responsible party or parties. Martin: Well, you probably made the right call. Knowing you, you'd beat yourself up worse than he would anyway. Niles: [emerging from the kitchen] I hope you remembered to tell him I was an expatriate. Frasier: I told him you were an ex-something. [Niles looks confused.] You know, I just feel so guilty. I have done this man a terrible injustice. Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, I've always believed life has a way of balancing itself out. Yes, you may have treated this man unfairly, but think of all the people you've helped on your show. Just yesterday you reconciled that couple on the brink of divorce and today you helped Molly from Tacoma overcome her addiction to Swedes. Martin and Niles both stop what they're doing and look up confused. Frasier: That was sweets, not Swedes! Daphne: I thought it was strange when you told her to limit herself to one or two after meals. Frasier: You know, perhaps I just have an overactive conscience. It's not enough that I help other people, I want to help this man. Niles: Well, I hope you do, Frasier because then finally you'll stop torturing the rest of us with all your... [bends over and suddenly cries out in agony] Oh, pain's back! Martin: Not to worry. She's got more liniment. Niles: [suddenly standing upright still in agony] Oh, pain's gone! Daphne: Come on now. Be brave. [drags Niles's behind her] Let's go into the loo and I'll give you a second coat. Niles stretches out his hand in a last-ditch bid to stay out of Daphne's clutches but Martin just smiles at him as he is dragged into the powder room. Frasier: You know, Dad, Daphne gave me a thought. I'm a skilled couples' therapist. John did mention that he was having marital problems... Martin: Oh, Jeez! Frasier: [heading for the phone] No, no, Dad. This is perfect, this is perfect. I may have ruined the last 25 years of this man's life but with my gift I could save the next 25. [speaks into the phone] Yes, a listing for a John Rajeski, please. Martin: I'm telling you, Frasier, don't get mixed up with this guy. He's a felon. Frasier: Dad, just relax, please - I know what I'm doing. [speaks into the phone] Mrs. Rajeski? Hello, you don't know me but I'm... A piercing scream comes from the bathroom as the second coat is obviously being applied. Frasier: Why - well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband's! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Susan Rajeski's apartment. Frasier knocks on the door and Susan opens. Frasier: Mrs. Rajeski? Susan: Wow, it's really you - Frasier Crane! Frasier: May I? Susan: Oh gosh, I'm sorry. Please, please come in. [Frasier walks in] You know, you're kind of like a God at work. [Frasier looks a bit humbled] Please, please sit down. Frasier: [sitting down] Thank you. Let me cut right to the chase. John told me that you two were going through a bit of a rough patch and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help? Susan: Well, I love John. I really do, but there is a problem. It's just a little difficult talking about it, you know? I mean, it's a little embarrassing - especially face-to-face. Frasier: Well, I'll tell you what. Just pretend I'm on my radio show, [turns his back to Susan] and now you're just another caller. Susan: OK. Well, Dr. Crane, it's a sexual problem. Frasier: Ah. Susan: You see, I can only get really turned on when there's something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous. Frasier: [turning round] Dangerous? Susan: You're looking at me. Frasier: [turning back round] Sorry. Susan: Like doing it in a car. Frasier: Well, that's not so dangerous. Susan: You must be some driver. Frasier: [realises] Oh. And you've never had an accident? Susan: No, I'm on the pill! Frasier: [back still turned] So how long have you had this particular kink? Susan: [standing up starts playing with her buttons] Well, I don't know really. It kind of started around the time that I first met John. I was working in a convenience store, I caught him shoplifting. Next thing I knew we were rolling around on the Slurpy machine and I'd already pressed the silent alarm so I knew that the cops were on their way... She rips off her dress to reveal a sexy black negligee. Frasier is still sitting on the couch, back turned, unaware. Susan: That's when I realised what really turns me on - knowing I could get caught at any moment. [leaps onto Frasier's lap] Frasier: [horrified] Oh, Dear God! He's out of jail, isn't he? Susan: He could walk in at any time. Frasier: He'll kill us! Susan: [writhing in pleasure] Ooh, touch me here and say that. Frasier: [struggling up with Susan still attached] ARE YOU CRAZY?! He doesn't even let people touch his comb! Susan: I know. What's that all about? Frasier: [backing off] You might like to put your dress back on, straighten up before he gets home. As Frasier heads for the front door there is a rattling on the other side. John is home. John: Open up. Frasier: [panicking] You only have time for one - I suggest the dress. Where's the bedroom? Susan: You're in it. Frasier: Listen, you've got to get him out of here. Susan: [excited] And pass the chance to have s*x with him knowing he could find you here at any minute? She heads for the front door with a huge grin on her face. Meanwhile Frasier hides behind the sofa. Susan opens the door to John. Susan: [hugging John] Welcome home, baby! John: [hugging Susan then noticing the negligee] What are you doing? Susan: Well, I'm just getting ready for you. Oh, I missed you. So, do you want to? John: Sure I do, but, er... you mean normally. The super's not going to barge in? You didn't dial 911 or anything like that? Susan: I've got everything I need right here in this room. Behind the sofa, Frasier rolls his eyes. John: [kissing Susan] I'm just going to pull down the shades. [heads for the shades, which are next to the sofa] Susan: Wait, wait! John walks behind the sofa then stops suddenly as he looks down. John: [angrily] What the hell is this?! Susan looks caught, but he bends down and picks up a pair of high heels. John: How much did you spend on these? Susan: Oh, Johnny, can't we talk about that later? John: [hugging Susan] Why don't you turn off the light? Susan turns off the light. Unfortunately the moonlight streams in through the open window, highlighting Frasier's silhouette hiding behind a paper screen, clearly visible behind John. Susan hurriedly switches the lights back on. Susan: It's too dark. I want to see you. John: Whatever you want, baby. This is going to be great. I am going to make love to you all night. Frasier, still in hiding, throws his hands up in despair. John: But first, I have a surprise for you. I wrote a poem for you while I was in prison. [takes out a piece of paper and begins reading] "I am a garden, dry and brown. You are the rain that tumbles down, Susan. I am a beggar that needs to eat, you are a sandwich thick with meat, Susan." By now Frasier has had enough and, revisiting his childhood, he holds a lighter up to the smoke alarm. Needless to say this switches the sprinkler system on, practically drowning John and Susan. John: Oh my God. I knew you had something planned - you set the building on fire! Susan: No I didn't, I swear. John: Come on, let's get out of here. Susan: Oh, but the firemen - they're on their way. John: Come on! John grabs Susan and drags her out of the now-soaked room. A drenched Frasier emerges from his hiding place looking satisfied with himself. He picks the poem up that has been left on the sofa, takes one look at it then discards it with a look of disgust. He checks the doorway before walking out. End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Eddie is on the sofa in Frasier's Apartment whilst Niles goes to put a magazine onto the coffee table. Unfortunately as he bends down he gets stuck again and is in obvious pain. Eddie looks on. Cue Daphne who rushes out the bedroom and sees Niles in distress. She rushes over to help and Niles, deciding that he's not going through the burning process again, pretends that he is actually leaning down to stroke Eddie. After much pretending and feigning of smiles, Daphne believes him and goes back to the bedroom. Niles waits until she is gone before struggling to the front door in agony and gets out as fast as he can.