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doc_300 | (Someone throws a rock at the window of an abandonned house and shatters it. A young girl, Addie, standing on the front lawn of this house turns around.)
Bryan : Hey, Troy. You're a dork.
Troy : Hey, shut up. Hey, freak.
(On his way to the front door, Bryan blow some kisses at Addie who stares back at him)
Addie : Excuse me. You are going to die in there.
Troy : Shut your mouth, or we're gonna kick your ass!
Bryan : We got bats.
Troy : I hate trees!
(The boys enters the house)
Addie : You're gonna regret it. You're gonna regret it. You're gonna regret it.
Troy : Yeah!
Bryan : Yeah!
(While the boys smash everything they found inside with their bats, a song sung by children can be heard)
SONG: ♪ I know / I know / You belong / To some / Body new / But tonight / You belong / To me /Although / Although / We're apart / You're part / Of my heart / And tonight / You belong / To me / Just to little old me. ♪
Bryan : Troy.
Troy : Awesome. (A door swings shut) Go.
Bryan : No, you go, shithead.
(The boys go down some stairs)
Troy : Check it out.
(They find a room full of jars filled with human's and animal's parts. Troy picks up a jar containing an ear and drops it. It shatters onto the ground)
Troy : It stinks in here. It stinks like sh1t. You remember last summer when we get the raccoon stuck in our chimney? That's what it smells like. Let's go find it.
Bryan : No, it smells bad... I'm getting out of here.
(Troy go further into the room, poping his crackers, while Bryan turns around, up the stairs. Suddenly, the popping stops. Bryan stops his ascension)
Bryan : Troy?
(A bottle rolls across floor)
Bryan : Troy? Who's down there? Cut it out, Troy. Cut it out.
(Bryan finds Troy on the ground, his throat slashed. Troy is reaching out to him, unable to utter anything. Bryan turns around and sees a creature, Infantata, running in their direction. Bryan starts screaming. We are suddenly outside the house, Addie is still on the front lawn)
-[Today]-
(A gynecologist, dr. Day is examining a woman, Vivien. A nurse is assisting)
Dr. Day : So, are your periods regular again?
Vivien : Every other month. Not that I'm really complaining. After all that blood. Ben hates blood.
Dr. Day : You having issues with arousal?
Vivien : Not when I'm by myself.
Dr. Day : Lie back. Well, I've recently had some success with women your age using bioidentical treatments and hormones.
Vivien : For what?
Dr. Day : Well, it's a sort of a preemptive strike. See, your body is like a house... you can fix the tiles in the bathroom and the kitchen, but if the foundation is decaying, well, you're wasting your time.
Vivien : What are the side effects?
Dr. Day : You can sit up. Well, the... BHRTs are great for your skin, organs. Most of the women I give these to tell me they make them feel ten years younger.
Vivien : I don't know. You know, I don't even let my family drink out of plastic bottles. Taking a bunch of hormones when I don't even know what the side effects are, I just...
Dr. Day : Feel and look ten years younger.
Vivien : I don't need hormones, Doctor. I'm just trying to get control of my body again, after what happened.
Dr. Day : And I'm offering you something to help you get that back.
Vivien : I'm not a house.
Dr. Day : Vivien, what are you so afraid of?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien comes home. She puts down her errands on the counters of the kitchen. She hears a soft thud coming from upstairs. She calls the police)
Police Officer : 911.
Vivien : I have an intruder in my house.
Police Officer : Are you sure it's not a member of your family?
Vivien : No. Nobody is home.
Police Officer : What's the address?
Vivien : 35 Drummond Road.
Police Officer : We're sending a patrol car.
Vivien : Please hurry, please.
(Vivien picks up a kitchen knife and goes upstairs. We can hear something squeaking. Vivien slowly opens a door)
Ben : Oh, my God. No, Viv. No, no.
(Vivien stands still a few seconds, watching inside the room, then turns around. A man, Ben, comes out of the room, trying to stop Vivien)
Ben : Viv, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No.
(Vivien slashes his arm)
Ben : Aah!
Addie : You're going to regret it. You're going to regret it. You're going to regret it.
-[OPENING CREDITS]-
(Vivien, Ben and their daughter, Violet, are driving down a freeway)
Vivien : The light is different out here. It's softer.
Violet : It's called smog.
Ben : You should be excited, Vi. You can stop sneaking cigarettes and just start taking deep breaths.
Violet : I need to go to the bathroom.
Ben : We're almost there.
Violet : I need to go.
Ben : Vi, it's a freeway. Really, where do you want me to pull over? Maybe the Honda next to us has a bathroom or something.
Violet : Bet if the baby had to sh1t, you'd find somewhere.
Vivien : Really? Violet, I hate that word, unless I'm saying it.
Ben : I'm really glad we named you Violet, instead of our second choice.
Violet : Which was?
Vivien : Sunshine.
(They all start chuckling)
Ben : It's funny. Come on, you gotta admit it's funny.
(Ben trys to hold Vivien's hand, but she takes it back)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben rings a doorbell)
Ben : I love it. Don't you love it, hon? I mean, it looks even better than it did online.
(We have a view of the house, it's the abandonned house from 1978, but restored)
Vivien : Yeah, it's interesting.
Violet : Great. So we're the Addams Family now.
Ben : Hey, crabby pants. Come here.
Vivien : What are you doing?
Ben : Isn't this place amazing?
(Marcy, the realtor, opens the door)
Marcy : Welcome. It's a classic L.A. Victorian. Built around 1920 by the doctor to the stars at the time. It's just fabulous. These are real Tiffany fixtures. As you can see, the previous owners really loved this place like a child. They restored everything.
Vivien : Gay?
Marcy : What do you think?
Ben : Tiffany. Wow.
Marcy : Do you cook?
Ben : Viv is a great cook. I got her cooking lessons a few years ago, and she ended up teaching the teacher a few things.
Marcy : Cooking lessons... romantic. Aren't you a psychologist?
Ben : Psychiatrist. You said something on the phone about there being a study that I could use as a home office? I'm planning on seeing patients here, so I can spend more time with the family.
Marcy : How refreshing.
(Vivien puts her dog down, and it goes running outside the kitchen, yapping)
Vivien : Violet, honey, would you go see where Hayley went? Thank you.
Violet : What are you yapping at?
(after several unsuccesful attempts, Violet gets the door the dog was yapping at to open. She goes down the stairs. Our view changes, from behing some kind of grate, we can now watch Violet looking aroung the basement, then go back upstairs)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Marcy is still showing the house to Ben and Vivien)
Ben : When I saw the pictures of this room online, I thought maybe you could use it as your music room.
Marcy : Are you a musician?
Vivien : I was. Cellist...
Ben : very good one, in fact.
Marcy : Why did you quit?
Vivien : This wallpaper is peeling over here. Looks like maybe there's a mural underneath it.
Marcy : The last owners probably covered it up. They were modernists. Speaking of the last owners, full disclosure requires that I tell you about what happened to them.
Vivien : Oh, God... they didn't die in here or anything, did they?
Marcy : Yes, actually, both of them. Murder-suicide. I sold them the house, too. They were just the sweetest couple. You never know, I guess.
Ben : That explains why it's half the price of every other house in the neighborhood, I guess.
Marcy : I do have a very nice mid-century ranch, but it's in the Valley, and you're going to get a third of the house for twice the price.
Ben : Right.
Violet : Where did it happen?
Marcy : The basement.
Violet : We'll take it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(A couple of movers carry a couch into the house, while Marcy puts a "Sold" sign on the front lawn stand and sighs heavily)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien and Ben are in their bedroom. She is still unpacking)
Ben: Come on, babe, let's go to bed. Leave that for the morning.
Vivien : I'm a little bit worried about Violet, you know, these kids here are very different. I don't know if she can handle another year of not fitting in.
Ben : You mean... you can't?
Vivien : Can't believe this place doesn't freak you out a little bit. 'Cause of what happened here?
Ben : My repulsion is tempered by the fact that this house is worth four times what we paid for it, so let's not think about it.
Vivien : This is your professional advice, Doctor, just denial?
Ben : Come on, let me give you a little love. Moving here, buying this house was the exact right thing to do for us and our family. It's a good thing and we deserve some good after all the sh1t we've been through.
Vivien : I've got some stuff I want to... unpack down in the kitchen. I appreciate that you're trying. I'm trying, too.
Ben : Okay.
Vivien : It's just gonna take some time.
(Vivien leaves the room)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Violet, smoking, is crossing the yard of her new high school. She walks past a group of girls talking)
Leah: So I let him.
Becca : You coke off your nipples?
Leah : They were numb for, like, two days.
(Leah sees Violet smoking and walks after her)
Leah : Hey! Student council passed a rule against smoking in public spaces.
Becca : Secondhand smoke kills.
Violet : I'm new, I didn't know.
(Violet drops her cigarette end and crushes it)
Leah : What the hell is wrong with you? People sit here, they eat here.
Violet : You don't know me. Why are you doing this?
Becca : Leah's grandmother died of lung cancer. She takes this stuff pretty seriously.
(Leah picks the cigarette up)
Leah : Eat it... eat it or I'm gonna kick the sh1t out of you.
Violet : No. What?
Abby : Come on, Leah, that's enough.
Leah : No, no, no, I want to see her eat it.
Violet : No. No.
Leah : Eat it, eat it.
Becca : Leah, seriously, she's like 12.
(Leah tries to force the cigarette into Violet's mouth, but Violet spits at her. Leah screams)
Leah : You are dead! You are dead!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien is removing the living room's wallpaper)
Vivien : Whoo!
Addie : You're going to die in here.
(Vivien, startled, screams)
Vivien : Who are you? What are you doing? What are you doing here?
(A woman, Constance, comes into the living romm)
Constance : Adelaide. Adelaide. Adelaide. Adelaide, I put on "Dora the Explorer" for you, so you would sit and watch it.
Addie : It was "Go, Diego, Go!" I don't like it.
Constance : Oh, brown cartoon characters... you can't tell the difference.
Vivien : Excuse me.
Constance : Hi.
Vivien : Hi.
Constance : I'm Constance, your neighbor from next door, and this is my girl Adelaide.
Vivien : Hello.
Constance : Go home, Addy, now. That girl is a monster. I love her and I'm a good Christian, but Jesus H. Christ. You know, if they had invented some of those tests a few years ago, I would have...
Vivien : How'd you get into my house?
Constance : You left your back door open. Although I have to tell you, Addie will always find a way in. She has a bug up her ass about this house, always has. You have the loveliest things.
Vivien : Thank you.
Constance : Have you got a dog?
Vivien : I-I do have a dog, yes.
Constance : I run a little kennel out of my house, doggy day care kind of a thing.
Vivien : How nice.
Constance : Well, I prefer purebreds. I adore the beauty of a long line, but there's always room in my home for mongrels. Oh... Oh, my. Look at those earrings. Are those real diamonds? Not that Home Shopping sh1t.
Vivien : No.
Constance : I used to have diamonds like that. Different pair for every day of the week. Did your husband give them to you?
Vivien : He did.
Constance : Hmm?
Vivien : Mm-hmm.
Constance : They always do when you're young and pretty.
Vivien : Are you Southern?
Constance : Proud Virginian. The Old Dominion, born and bred. Thank you for noticing. I came out here to be a movie star. Did the screen tests and everything, but... nudity was the big deal then. The morals were just beginning to collapse, and I wasn't about to have my green pasture flashed 70 feet high for every man, woman, and child to see, so I took that little butterfly of a dream and put it in a jar on the shelf, and, uh, soon after, came the Mongoloid and, of course, I couldn't work after that.
Vivien : It has been so great to meet you. I just... you know, I wasn't prepared for guests at all.
Constance : I'm gone. Oh, I brought you this. You know, a little, um, housewarming.
Vivien : Thank you.
Constance : Addie wanted to bake you a pie, but she tends to spit in the cooking, so I thought this would be better. Help get rid of some of that bad juju. I don't remember your name.
Vivien : Right, no, I never got a chance to tell you my name.
Constance : Oh.
Vivien : My name is Vivien Harmon.
Constance : Anyway... relax and enjoy. Let me know if you need any help with that pup.
Vivien : Will do.
Constance : I'm glad you're getting rid of that wallpaper. I thought those people were supposed to be stylish. It's sage... for cleansing the spirits in the house. Too many bad memories in here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien lights up the sage and wlk down the corridor. She sees a string coming down the ceiling. She pulls on it, a trap opens. She follows the stairs and reaches the attic. She turns on the light and discovers a rubber suit dangling from the ceiling right in front of her. She screams. Ben rushes to her side)
Ben : What happened? You okay? Oh, I guess these guys were into the kinky stuff, huh? Would you like to try it on?
Vivien : That's not funny.
Ben : I think you'd look good in it.
(Violet joins them)
Violet : What happened? Holy sh1t.
Vivien : Let's get rid of it. Come on, let's go downstairs. Come on. Watch the steps.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben throws the suit into the trash can outside the house)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben is having a counsel session with a young man, Tate)
Ben : So, Tate, these fantasies started two years ago, three years ago, when?
Tate : Two years ago. It's always the same. It starts the same way.
Ben : How? Tell me.
Tate : I prepare for the noble war.
(We can see a tattoed Tate walking down a school's corridor. The music "Twisted Nerve" is playing in the background. We can hear Tate talking to Ben at the same time)
Tate : I'm calm, I know the secret, I know what's coming, and I know no one can stop me, including myself.
Ben : Do you target people who have been mean to you or unkind?
Tate : I kill people I like.
(Tate enters a studying room. all the students raise their head)
Teacher : Can I help you?
Tate : Some of them beg for their life. I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. It's a filthy world we live in. It's a filthy goddamn helpless world, and honestly, I feel like I'm helping to take them away from the sh1t and the piss and the vomit that run in the streets. I'm helping to take them somewhere clean and kind. There's something about all that blood, man. (We can see Violet cutting her wrist with a razor blade in a bathroom) I drown in it. The Indians believed that blood holds all the bad spirits, and once a month in ceremonies they would cut themselves to let the spirits go free. There's something smart about that. Very smart. I like that. (He sees himself standing behind Ben, blood running down his head) You think I'm crazy?
Ben : No. I think you're creative. And I think you have a lot of pain you're not dealing with.
Tate : My mother's probably worried about me, right?
Ben : I'm sure she is.
Tate : She's a cocksucker. I mean, literally, a cocksucker. She used to suck the guy off next-door, all the time. My dad found out, and he left. He left me alone with a cocksucker. Can you imagine? How sick is that?
Ben : I've heard a lot worse.
Tate : Cool. Can you tell me some? I like stories.
Ben : No. I can't.
Tate : The world is a filthy place. It's a filthy goddamn horror show. There's so much pain, you know? There's so much.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Violet is still cutting her wrist. Tate is watching her from the doorstep)
Tate : You're doing it wrong. If you're trying to kill yourself, cut vertically. They can't stitch that up.
Violet : How'd you get in here?
Tate : If you're trying to kill yourself, you might also try locking the door.
(Tate pulls the door shut)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(It's night. We can hear a man whispering indistinctly, distantly. Ben gets up, naked, he is sleep-walking. He comes down the stairs, into the livingroom, put the gaz on and lights up a match and throws it into the fireplace. Vivien, awake, comes after him)
Vivien : What are you doing?
Ben : Am I on a trip?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(An old woman dressed in black, Moira, approaches vivien who is spreading her sheets outside to make them dry)
Vivien : Can I help you?
Moira : I'm Moira O'Hara. I'm the housekeeper.
Vivien : Oh. I didn't know the place came with a housekeeper.
Moira : Why are you hanging your sheets with a perfectly good electric dryer inside?
Vivien : I don't like all those chemicals in the fabric softeners, so I just like to do it naturally.
Moira : I work Monday through Thursday. Thanksgiving on, Christmas off.
Vivien : Um...
Moira : That was the deal with the last fellows.
Vivien : I'm sorry. I'm just not sure that we're gonna need a housekeeper.
Moira : What have you been using to clean the floorboards?
Vivien : Murphy's Oil Soap.
Moira : Oh, no. White vinegar. Oil soap kills the wood.
Vivien : I like that better. It's more natural.
Moira : Have you ever owned a house this old before?
Vivien : No.
Moira : It has a personality, feelings. Mistreat it, and you'll regret it. May I come in? My cab's left, and I'd like to call another.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien and Moira are talking in the kitchen)
Vivien : So, you worked for the previous owners?
Moira : I've been the housekeeper here for years. They come, they go, I stay. They were both nice boys, the ones before you. I found the bodies.
Vivien : What happened? I mean, I hate to gossip...
Moira : They fought a lot. Money, I think. But who can know when something so horrible happens? Sometimes people just go mad. I cleaned the mess. You'd never know.
Vivien : Can I ask you a personal question? Do you ever get tired of cleaning up other peoples' messes?
Moira : We're women. It's what we do. I just get paid for it.
Vivien : Yes.
(Ben enters the kitchen)
Vivien : Oh, hey, this is my husband Ben. Ben, this is Moira O'Hara. She was the housekeeper for the previous owner.
(We see Moira from Ben's point of view. She's a gorgeous young woman)
Ben : Nice to... meet you.
(A car horn honks)
Moira : That's my cab. (We are back to Vivien's point of view) I'll use the lavatory first, if you don't mind.
Vivien : Sure. What do you think?
Ben : What? You-You... You want to hire her?
Vivien : Yeah, I mean, she's a little kooky, but she seems trustworthy, she knows the house really well, and I feel like I could just use the help. So... can you start tomorrow?
Moira : Thursday's better, but I'll make it work.
Vivien : Okay. And you know, Moira, you don't have to wear the housekeeper's uniform. You can just wear your own clothes.
Moira : I don't like cleaning peoples' houses in my own clothes.
Vivien : What?
Ben : Nothing. Just... You just always surprise me. I like that.
(Ben starts kissing her. She lets him at first, but then pushes him away)
Ben : You're gonna have to forgive me one day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben is in his office with Tate)
Ben : You mind if I tape this?
Tate : No.
Ben : You taking your medications?
Tate : Yes.
Ben : Any side effects?
Tate : I was taking them at night, but they kept me up.
Ben : And what did you do?
Tate : Started taking them in the morning.
Ben : Light sensitivity is pretty common.
Tate : Maybe. Yeah, I think so.
Ben : When I was in medical school, they brought in this CIA interrogator to help us better identify who was lying. This guy was, like, six foot, 50, crew cut. He must have been one hell of an interrogator, because I'll tell you something. I'd be terrified to lie to him.
Tate : You think I'm lying to you?
Ben : Light sensitivity isn't a side effect of Lexapro, Tate.
Tate : So you lied to me.
Ben : What is important... that is if you're telling the truth about doing these things to your classmates. If you were actually a danger to society, the law says that I have to report you to the police.
Tate : Did you call them?
Ben : Not yet. I've treated psychotics before, and people with the right combination of chemical imbalance and psychological damage that can't be reached.
Tate : You think that's me? You think I can't get better?
Ben : You? (scoffs) You kidding me? You're hopeless.
(They both starts laughing)
Ben : Everybody can get better, Tate. Everybody. I just think you're scared. Of what, I'm not sure yet. Maybe rejection. Certainly because of what your father did to you.
Tate : I was afraid my big dick wouldn't work.
Ben : What?
(Tate laughs)
Tate : Yeah, that's why I didn't take the meds.
Ben : Tate.
Tate : I was afraid my dick wouldn't work. Because I met someone.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Tate is showing his scars to Violet)
Tate : This one I did after my dad left. I was ten, I think.
Violet : Last week, first day at my new school... sucks.
Tate : Westfield, right? The worst. I got thrown out of there.
Violet : I hate it here. I hate everyone. All there bourgeoisy designer bullshit. East Coast was much cooler. I mean, at least we had weather.
Tate : I love it when the leaves change.
Violet : Yeah, me, too.
Tate : Why did you move here?
Violet : My dad had an affair. My mom literally caught him in the act.
Tate : That's horrible. If you love someone, you should never hurt them... never.
Violet : Right? I know. And the worst part is that six months earlier, my mom had, like, this brutal miscarriage. (Tate writes "TAINT" on Violet's chalkboard) The baby was seven months old, and we had to have this macabre funeral. Have you ever seen a baby coffin?
(Tate sits near Violet and gently touches her wrist)
Tate : I'm sorry.
Violet : Why are you seeing my dad?
Tate : Don't ask questions you already know the answer to. You're smarter than that.
(Violet stops the music playing)
Violet : Want to listen to Morrissey? He's cool and he's pissy and he hates everyone and everything.
Tate : Got any Kurt Cobain on that thing?
Ben : What are you doing in here?
(Ben is standing at the doorstep of Violet's room)
Violet : Just listening to music, Dad.
Ben : You need to leave, Tate. I'm sorry. He shouldn't be in here, and I think you know that... please.
Tate : What's that thing you think I'm afraid of? Fear of rejection?
(Tate walks out of the room)
Ben : Stay away from him.
Violet : Dad, nothing...
Ben : You heard me!
(Tate is running down the stairs, upset)
Tate : No! Bullet, bullet, bullet!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben, naked, comes out of the bathroom. The dog is yapping)
Ben : Hey, babe, you seen my razor blades?
(Ben opens a door and discovers Moira fingering herself onto a chair. He shuts the door, goes into another room and gives himself a hand-job, crying)
Larry : Your family is in danger.
(Ben lifts a curtain and sees a man with half his face burned, Larry, standing in his garden, looking right at him. After putting a dressing robe on, Ben runs outside to catch him but the man is nowhere to be found)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien comes home after some shopping and puts her bag onto the couter of the kitchen. She hears some popping sound, turns around and sees that all the cabinets door are now open. She hears a girl laughing)
Vivien : What are you doing?
(Addie is laughing)
Vivien : Why are you in my house? (Troy and Bryan appear behind Vivien. Still laughing, Addie sees them and points her finger at them but Vivien can't see the twins)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien, Ben, Addie and Constance are in the kitchen)
Vivien : I want you to stay out of my house. Do you understand?
Constance : Can I smoke in here?
Vivien : No. Adelaide, answer me, please.
Addie : Can I pet your dog?
Vivien : No, Adelaide, I want you to stay out of the house. I want you to stop coming in and opening things up and telling me that I'm going to die.
Ben : She said that?
(Constance laughs)
Constance : She says that to everybody. Say you're sorry, Addie.
Addie : No, they did it.
Vivien : Who did it?
Addie : The twins.
Constance : Shh.
Addie : Can I... pet your dog?
Vivien : No, Adelaide, listen to me. I want you to stop coming in here without permission. Am I clear?
Ben : Vivien.
Vivien : Am I clear?
Addie : Yes.
Vivien : Thank you.
Constance : Time to go, Addie.
(Addie croutches to pet the dog but he bites her)
Ben : Hallie!
Vivien : Are you okay?
Addie : She shouldn't have done that.
Constance : Sorry about all this. You touch my kid one more time and I will break your goddamn arm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben is on the phone with someone about Tate)
Ben : No! I have no evidence of any past violence. No, I don't have his social. Listen, do not transfer me again. I'm trying to report a patient of high school age, that I believe could be dangerous. Yes. Yes, I'll hold. Unbelievable.
(The door rolls open. Moira enters the room)
Moira : May I clean in here?
Ben : It's not a good time, Moira.
Moira : It's Thursday. I get off in 20 minutes. If I don't do it now, it's not getting done until Monday. Am I distracting you? (She open her blouse and grops her breast) Why don't you touch me a little?
Ben : Get out.
Moira : What are you afraid of? Your wife's not home. She's probably at Pilates. I won't tell. (She unhooks her garter belt)
Ben : Oh, God.
Moira : I didn't tell when you saw me playing with myself the other day.
Ben : Please, just go.
Moira : Did you touch yourself after? (She leans above him)
Ben : Please just go.
Moira : You did. Do it again. Show me.
(The door creaks, Violet is watching them)
Ben : Oh, sh1t. Violet! Violet! Damn it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Violet and Leah are fighting violently at school)
Violet : I'm not scared of you!
Leah : Should be!
Kids : Fight, fight, fight!
(Violet picks up a cigarette still lit up and smashes it onto Leah's hand. Leah screams)
Leah : Oh, she friggin' burned me!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien just finished putting off the wallpaper of the living room. Ben comes in)
Ben : In my professional opinion, whoever painted this wall had some deep psychological issues.
Vivien : I thought you had a patient.
Ben : Ah, they bailed. You want some help cleaning up?
Vivien : Yeah. Thanks.
Ben : This thing doesn't tweak you out?
Vivien : There's something about it that I find... really comforting.
Ben : One of my psych professors told me that people tell stories to cope with their fears. All art and myths are just creations to give us some sense of control over the things we're scared of. Afraid of dying, create reincarnation. Afraid of evil, create a benevolent God who sends evildoers to Hell.
Vivien : I think I just like that I don't have to think while I do it.
Ben : Okay. I always thought you were prettiest like this. No makeup. Messy hair. A little sweaty.
Vivien : I'm old.
Ben : Stop. You're beautiful. You are.
Vivien : No. Ben...
(Ben comes behind her and starts touching her)
Ben : Violet won't be home for an hour.
Vivien : No. Okay, Ben? No.
Ben : Come on, babe.
Vivien : Ben... No.
(She liberates herself from his embrace)
Vivien : Sorry. Just no.
(Ben, upset, shoots into a bucket)
Ben : How long, Viv? How long are you going to punish me for?
Vivien : I'm not punishing you, you narcissistic asshole! I'm trying to figure out how to forgive you for having s*x with one of your students. You want me to have s*x with you? I can't even look at your face, Ben, without seeing the expression on it while you were pile-driving her in our bed!
Ben : I screwed up! How many times do I have to say it? I'm sorry! I was hurting, too.
Vivien : Oh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did, did the, did the life that was growing inside you die? And did you have to carry that around in your belly? The dead corpse of our baby son? Did you have to go into labor, and deliver our child? Dead?
Ben : My son died too! My baby died, too!
Vivien : And you buried your sorrow in some 21-year-old's pussy.
Ben : You know, I could show you statistics on how many men cheat after a miscarriage. I was there for you, Viv. I was patient, and understanding, and caring... and I put your feelings first.
Vivien : My hero.
Ben : You know, I don't even know how to say this without coming off like an asshole, I really don't.
Vivien : You know what? Just go ahead. Really. Never stopped you before.
Ben : You're so angry, why don't you really tell it like it is? Six months of therapy with you apologizing, and crying, was bullshit. So, please, tell me how you really feel. You got a dog. I needed you, and you got a dog.
Vivien : Oh...!
Ben : It was me you should have been curling up with at night! Not a dog!
Vivien : Oh, so...
Ben : I needed you!
Vivien : You needed me? So she was revenge, because you needed me, because I wasn't there for you in your time of need? Now I get it!
Ben : We haven't had s*x in almost a year.
Vivien : Yeah... you think I don't know that?
Ben : October 20th. We had great s*x, babe. It was loving and sexy and personal, and even a little, even a little weird. I love you. I moved across country for you. Because, in all my life, the only thing I've been truly scared of is losing you; losing this family. Something horrible happened to us. And we handled it even more horribly. But this... this place... is our second chance, babe. It's our second chance. But I just... I just need to know that you want it, too. Tell me, honey.
(Ben takes her face in his hands, but she pushes him away)
Ben : What are you doing? Viv... Stop it. What are you doing?
(They kiss violently and lie down on the floor)
Ben : We're going to be happy here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien puts a bowl of water in front of her dog)
Vivien : Here you go, Hallie. Good girl.
(Violet comes home)
Vivien : Hey. Whoa. Come here. What happened to your face?
Violet : Fell down.
Vivien : Come here. Sit, sit, sit. Boy or girl?
Violet : Girls. Three of them.
Vivien : Hope they look worse than you do. You know their names?
Violet : I'm not narking.
Vivien : You know, we can easily move you to a different school. There are a lot of really good private schools right in this neighborhood.
Violet : I'm not running away. I'm not scared of them. Not afraid of anything.
Vivien : It's like that time in kindergarten, when you insisted that I bring you home from the slumber party 'cause all the other girls were sleeping with the nightlight on. I know you've gotten the short end of the stick, lately. This move, and...your dad and I haven't exactly been great to be around.
Violet : Why don't you guys get divorced, if you're so miserable?
Vivien : We still love each other.
Violet : You could've fooled me. I thought you hated each other. Well, at least you hated him. I don't blame you. He was a shithead. Sorry.
Vivien : It's okay. He was a shithead. You know, we got a lot of history. Your dad's been through a lot, I've been through a lot. Guess we need each other. What are you scared of?
Violet : You said I'm not scared of anything, so... what scares you?
Vivien : Lately? Everything. Life will do that to you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Violet is pacing in her room, talking to Tate)
Violet : I hate her! I just want to kill her!
Tate : Then do it! One less high school bitch making the lives of the less fortunate more tolerable is, in my opinion, a public service. Look, you want her to leave you alone? Stop making your life a living hell? Short of killing her, there's only one solution. Scare her. Make her afraid of you. It's the only thing bullies react to.
Violet : How?
Tate : It's simple. You simply walk up to her and say, "Here's the deal: I need you to stop harassing me. I got what you want. Drugs. Come to my house tomorrow for your free sample. I'm a dealer, and a good one. I got the best sh1t in town."
Violet : She's a cokehead. I don't have coke.
Tate : You won't need any. It's just an excuse to get her here. After that, she'll leave empty-handed and terrified. And I promise you, you'll never be bothered by her again.
Violet : How am I going to terrify her?
Tate : Helter-skelter! That's where I come in.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Vivien is putting some cream onto her legs when she sees a man in the rubber suit standing before her. She assumes it's Ben)
Vivien : Hot. I thought I told you to throw that thing away. Oh, you're not talking? Well, I'll give you points for creativity. We were pretty hot this afternoon. You really want to go for round two, huh? Come on. I can be kinky.
(At the same time, in the kitchen, Ben, sleep-walking naked,lights up the stove and puts his hand above the flames. In the bedroom, Vivien is having s*x with Rubber-Man. In the kitchen, Constance arrives and takes Ben's hand away from the stove)
Constance : Now is not your time. Enjoy the house. Go back to bed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben goes back into the bedroom. Vivien is in bed, her back to him)
Vivien : I love you.
Ben (flatly): I love you, too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Leah and Violet comes down the stairs, to the basement)
Leah : What's down there?
Violet : My stash. Parents toss my room every week.
Leah : If you're screwing with me...
Violet : It's just the basement. I found the best hiding place. This is great sh1t, too. All the coke coming to the U.S. from Central America smuggled in on lobster boats in Gloucester. I used to show my boobs to the lobstermen in return for a key or two before they cut it.
Leah : So where is it?
Violet : Right around the corner. To the right.
Leah : This place is a dump.
Violet : Oh, shut up.
Leah : I want my goddamn drugs.
Violet : Then keep going.
(Violet switch the light on. Tate is sitting in the middle of the room)
Tate : So this is the coke whore.
Leah : Who the hell are you?
Tate : Get the lights.
(Violet turns off the light. The light is now flickering, Tate laughs crazily)
Leah : What is going on?! What is going on?!
(In the flickering light, we can catch sight of Infantata)
Tate : Kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!
(Tate throws himself onto Leah who starts screaming)
Leah : Get off of me! Get off of me!
(At some point, Infantata takes Tate's place onto Leah, while Tate appears behind Violet, who starts screaming too)
Leah : Get off me! Get off me!
Violet : Stop! Stop! Please, stop!
(Violet screams while Infantata's hand slowly approaches Leah's face)
Leah : Mommy...?
(Infantata starts slashing Leah's face. Violet finally puts the light on. Leah is layong on the floor, Infantata is nowhere to be found. Tate is back on his rocking chair, a weird grin on his face)
Violet : Will you wait?!
Tate : I don't think she'll be bothering you anymore.
Violet : What was that?!
Tate : What are you talking about? She hit me in the balls and got away. She must have run into a wall or something.
Violet : No, I saw something!
Tate : What are you talk...? Violet, you're talking crazy. This is cool. We showed that bitch.
Violet : Get out! I never want to see you again!
(Violet pushes Tate away and runs up the stairs)
Tate : I thought you weren't afraid of anything!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben is jogging. A brown car is following him. Ben joggs down a dusty path, he takes a look behind him and sees Larry running after him. Ben surprises Larry from behind)
Ben : Who are you and why are you following me?!
Larry : Your family is in danger!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben and Larry are sitting on a bench)
Ben : What happened to you?
Larry : Pretty, aren't I? It's over 70% of my body. I'm Larry Harvey. And you have to get out of that house.
Ben : I could have you arrested, you know. Peeking in people's windows is still a crime.
Larry : Even in L.A., they're not gonna put me back into jail. I have brain cancer. Terminal, inoperable.
Ben : I'm sorry.
Larry : Don't be. That's the only reason they let me out. Homicide. Triple homicide. I was in that house for six months before I started hearing voices. My wife thought I was working too hard. My daughter Angie was six. The older one, Margaret, was ten. She looked like her mother. That's funny how it skips a generation like that. I killed them... all.
(We see Larry's story unfolding while he relates to Ben what he did to his family)
Larry : Lorraine was ill that night. She took a pill. She went to bed early, my wife. And then I, uh, I put the girls down, and then the voices started. (eerie, distorted whispering) They told me what to do. I was like... an obedient child.
(Larry starts crying)
Larry : I... I don't know how I put myself out. I remember that night... but it's like a dream. Have you been sleepwalking? Yeah... Look at my case. Read the transcript.
Ben : Listen to me, I'm a doctor. They may not put you back in jail, but I can certainly have you committed to a state mental institution. And trust me, those places make prison look like Club Med. Leave my family alone! Do you hear me?
Larry : Please, please, please, you have to get out of there! That place is evil.
Ben : Get off of me! Leave us alone! Leave us alone!
(Ben runs away. Larry grins)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Constance is trying Vivien's hearrings. Moira catches her)
Moira : Put those earrings back.
Constance : Jesus H. Christ. You almost gave me a heart attack.
Moira : Those belonged to Madam. This is her house, not yours.
Constance : Why is it that it is always the old whore who acts the part of a moralistic prude? I'd be nervous if I were you, too. When things go missing, they always blame the new maid. I'd move if I were you. Don't make me kill you again.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Ben is sitting in the kitchen when Vivien comes home)
Vivien : Hey.
Ben : Hey.
Vivien : What do you want for dinner?
Ben : Whatever you want.
Vivien : I think I want Indian food.
Ben : You only like Indian food when you're pregnant... Really?
Vivien : Mm.
Ben : Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh...!
-[End]- | |
doc_301 | Open to dark deserted back street. A blond girl is running past looking behind her occasionally before ducking into an alley. She looks back around the corner, then steps back on the street to continue only to be grabbed by the shoulders and thrown back into a trash container.
Rachel: "Lenny... please... don't."
Lenny: "You think I'm not going to find you,... after you humiliated me... again ?"
Rachel: "I didn't do anything ! I swear ! I'd never..."
Lenny: "No ! I know what you do. I see. The men,... the lies,... this is the last time, damn it !" Rachel, stepping towards him with a smile: "What are you on, Baby ? You only get like this when you..." Lenny hits her with a growl.
Rachel: "What are you going to do ? Pulverize me right here ? Someone is going to hear me scream."
Lenny, laughing: "In downtown LA at night ? Nobody is going to hear. Nobody who cares. Besides (pulls out a revolver and points it at her face) this will all be over fast. (cocks the gun)"
Rachel: "Lenny.. please... no !"
Lenny: "I'm sorry. (Rachel cowers back from him) I just can't take this anymore." Angel grabs him from behind and makes him drop his gun.
Angel: "Poor Lenny. The burden of terrorizing your girlfriend too much for you ? (hits him) Lucky for you I can make it stop." Lenny grabs a 2x4 and tried to hit Angel. Angel ducks and cold cocks him.
Angel: "Rachel, are you alright ?"
Rachel: "Is he..."
Angel: "It's okay. He's not getting up for a while."
Rachel, getting up: "I can't believe you actually showed up."
Angel: "Well, that was the deal, right ?"
(Camera pulls back to reveal Spike watching them from a rooftop above them.)
Spike in high voice: "How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad hunk of a night thing ? (low voice) No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. (Rachel steps closer to Angel, and Angel steps back warding her off with his hands) No, not the hair! Never the hair! (high voice) But there must be someway I can show my appreciation. (low voice) No, helping those in need's my job,... and working up a load of sexual tension, and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough ! (high voice) I understand. I have a nephew who is gay, so... (low voice) Say no more. Evil's still afoot ! And I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair-gel that I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away !"
Spike lights a cigarette while he watches Angel lead Rachel away.
Spike: "Go on with you. Play the big, strapping hero while you can. You have a few surprises coming your way... The ring of Amarra... a visit from your old pal Spike,... and, oh yeah,... your gruesome, horrible death." (He smiles.) *Intro.* ***** Cut to Oz driving his van through the night. ***** He pulls up in front of Angel's apartment.
Radio: "Another uninterrupted 40-minute-block. You are listening to LA's only alternative KLA-Rock. It's 11:05, do you know what your karma is ?" ***** Cut to Angel's office. ***** Cordelia is typing away on the computer. Doyle lounges in the background reading a newspaper.
Cordelia: "This is so awesome. Our first walk-in client. Everything is going according to plan ! See girl in distress,... see Angel save girl from druggy/stalker boyfriend,... and see (pulls a paper out of the printer and holds it up) Invoice ! Ta-da !" She shows the invoice to Doyle who looks less then impressed.
Cordelia: "What ?"
Doyle: "Nothing. You're doing a lovely job there. Looks very official."
Cordelia: "So why are you not rejoicing at out first paying client ?" Doyle, getting up and walking over to her desk: "Because that's not money you're holding in your hand there, darling, that's mail. There's a big difference between that and actually getting paid."
Cordelia: "But she has to pay !... Invoice ! That's the rule of our whole, like, society !"
Doyle, leaning on the desk: "Defaulting ? That's another popular rule in our society... especially with the down-and-outs. Not that I've perpetrated said heinousness myself..."
Cordelia: "So what are you saying. Why bother ?"
Doyle: "All I'm saying is that if we're ever going to take that cruise to the Bahamas together, we're going to need a lot more clients of means."
Cordelia: "And an alternate reality in which you are Matthew McConaughey."
Oz, walking into the office: "Hello, LA."
Cordelia, getting up: "Oz ? Oh, my god. (walks around the desk) Oz. It's so good to see you. (hugs him while Doyle watches askance) Good old Oz ! Oz. (turns to Doyle and points at Oz) Oz !"
Doyle: "Let me just take a stab at it, you'd be Oz ?"
Oz: "Good guess."
Cordelia: "This is so cool! I mean, here you are in LA, and you're the total embodiment of all things Sunnydale."
Oz: "It's a burden, but I manage."
Cordelia: "We have some serious catching up to do. How is everything ? How's... how's the bronze ?"
Oz: "The same."
Cordelia: "And the gang ?"
Oz: "They're good."
Cordelia: "Good ?... Good !... Good." They look at each other for a moment.
Oz: "Are we done ?"
Cordelia: "Completely." (Doyle coughs.)
Cordelia, going to sit down: "Oh, this is Doyle. He... works here." Oz, reaching over and shaking Doyle's hand: "Hey." Oz, sticking his hands in his pockets: "So, I heard the rumors, but you guys can fill me in on the real deal here. So you guys are... like detectives ?"
Cordelia: "No, I'm an actress !"
Doyle: "And quite a captivating one at that."
Cordelia: "And between my many gigs, I sometimes choose to help Angel."
Doyle: "He's the detective."
Oz: "Does he have a hat and gun ?"
Cordelia: "Just fangs."
Oz: "Well, that works... Where is he ?" ***** Cut to Angel's apartment. ***** Angel walks through his downstairs apartment, looking through a book as the three come down in the elevator. Angel, without looking up from his book: "Hey guys."
Angel, looking up: "Oz."
Oz: "Hey."
Angel: "Nice surprise."
Oz: "Thanks."
Angel: "Staying long ?"
Oz: "Few days."
Doyle: "Are they always like this ?"
Oz, to Doyle: "No, we're usually laconic."
Angel: "Come on in. (they walk further into the apartment) So,... good to see you."
Oz: "I came primarily for a gig, but also to give you this." (Holds out a ring to him.) Doyle, going to take a closer look: "Wait a minute, is that what I think it is ?" Angel, making no move to take it: "It's the gem of Amarra."
Oz: "One and the same. (tries to hand it to Angel, who after a moment accepts it) Buffy wanted you to have it."
Cordelia: "Hey, Buffy. How is good old Buffy anyway ?"
Oz: "She is..."
Cordelia: "What ? Still the brave little Slayer or is she moping around in the dark like... (gets a look from Angel) like nobody around here. (holds up a hand and shakes her head) Hm-mm." Angel turns and walks away form them looking at the ring in his hands.
Oz: "She is good... She is Buffy."
Doyle, holding up a hand: "And I'm sure we'll be interested in that later, but right now can we concentrate on the mother-load Angel just hit ?" Angel leans on the table turning the ring in his hand and looking at it.
Doyle: "What are you waiting for, man ? Put it on !"
Cordelia: "Okay, you're getting weird about this ring. Since when did you go all versace about accessorizing ?"
Doyle: "Since the accessory is priceless and renders it's wearer 100% unkillable if he's a vampire."
Cordelia: "Unkillable ? Whew. You mean not even stakes ?"
Doyle: "Not nothing. Not stakes, not fire, and the best thing is not even sunlight. (to Angel) I mean just think of it man. Poolside tanning, bargain matinees,... plus I know a couple of strip clubs that have a fabulous luncheon buffet, I mean, it's... I've heard."
Angel, still looking grave: "And it's from Buffy."
Oz: "Yeah. Your buddy Spike dug up Sunnydale looking for it. He got a fist full of Buffy and left it behind. She wanted to be sure it was in good hands."
Angel, looking to the side: "So she sent you."
Oz: "I was heading this way."
Cordelia, to Oz: "And she didn't even send a note ? Wow. That's really... (Angel looks at her)... this is one of those times when I should just shy away from the topic, isn't it ?"
Doyle, walking over to Angel: "Come on I have something that will boost your spirits. (picks up a stake) Why don't you put it on and I'll stake you. It'll be fun !" Angel, still playing with the ring in his hand and looking off to the side: "Maybe later."
Doyle: "What, are you out of your mind ?"
Angel: "I said, maybe later."
Doyle: "Yeah..."
Angel: "Doyle."
Doyle, walking towards the elevator: "Okay, you have it your way, man. But I'm still going to celebrate with a drink down at the pub."
Cordelia, to Oz: "He'd celebrate the opening of a mailbox with a drink at the pub. (waves at Angel as she follows Doyle) You coming, Oz ?"
Oz, still watching Angel: "Yeah. I could eat something."
Angel: "Go ahead." After a beat Oz turns and follows the others. Angel keeps looking at the ring. Finally sticks it in his pocket and goes down in the sewers. He takes it out of his pocket and hides it under a loose brick next to a pipe. ***** Cut to the office, the next day. ***** Cordelia is getting a cup of water for Doyle from the water cooler and sits down at the desk across from him.
Doyle, moaning: "Oh, god. You know what would feel really good right now ? One of those mind-numbing, head-cracking visions that I get from time to time, (he struggles to get some pills out of a bottle) because that would really kill me now. Is there some kind of trick to this ?" Cordelia, taking the bottle from him: "I think the trick is laying of the ale (pulls out the cotton wad out of the bottle and shakes some pills into her hand) before you start quoting Angela's Ashes and weeping like a baby man." Doyle, accepting the pills and washing them down: "Hey, that's a good book."
Cordelia: "So I've heard. But I doubt that the main characters are Betty and Barney Rubble as you so vehemently insisted last night. Also I don't think Oz appreciated being called my little Bam-bam all night." ***** Cut to Angel's apartment. ***** Angel is doing some Tai-chi. The phone rings and he goes to pick it up after the second ring.
Angel: "Hello ?... Hello."
Rachel: "Angel ?"
Angel: "Rachel. Are you alright ?"
Rachel: "They let Lenny out... The lawyer said something about a technicality."
Angel: "I'll be right there." ***** Cut to the underground garage.***** Angel walks up to his car. As he reaches for the door handle a beam smashes into his head sending him tumbling back against the wall.
Spike in vamp face: "Angel. I believe you have something I'm looking for... a shiny, little bauble ?"
Angel, picking himself up: "Might as well go home, Spike. The gem of Amarra stays with me." Spike swings at Angel with the board. Angel catches it, hits Spike across the chin, in the stomach, then kicks him to the floor. Spike slowly getting back up, board in hand: "Why ? Because you are vampire detective now ? What's next ? Vampire cowboy ? Vampire fireman ? Oh, vampire ballerina." He charges Angel with the beam.
Angel: "I do like to work with my legs." He grabs an overhead pipe and swings both feet into Spike's chest. Spike quickly picks himself back up and keeps stabbing at Angel with the beam, while Angel dances around him like a boxer, dodging the board. Spike tries to pin him onto the hood of the car but Angel kicks him off, taking the beam a way form him in the process. Angel, twirling the beam in his hands: "We duke it out, huh ? Is this your big strategy to get the ring back ?"
Spike, attacking again: "Hey, I had a plan !" Angel, fending him off with the beam, then pinning him onto the car: "You ? A plan ?"
Spike: "A good plan. Smart. Carefully laid out... But I got bored. (hits Angel and pins him up against the wall) All that watching, waiting,... my legs started to cramp. (throws Angel up against the door leading out) Enough with the hit'n'quip. Just tell me were the damn ring is." Angel, turning around in vamp face: "It wouldn't go with your outfit." He hits Spike around for a while and finally throws him against the wall just as Cordelia and Doyle run in behind Angel. Spike, slowly getting back to his feet: "Cordelia. You look smashing. Did you lose weight ?"
Cordelia: "Yes, there is this great gym at... hey !"
Spike, to Angel: "I'll get that ring. This isn't over until one of us is a pile of dust, mate." (Runs off.)
Cordelia, to Angel: "Are you okay ?" Angel walks off a ways from then (still in vamp face) then turns around.
Doyle: "More importantly, how's the ring ?"
Angel: "It's fine. (morphs into his human face) I can't say the same for you two though. You better get out of sight until this thing is over. Spike is out for blood. (to Doyle) Take her to your place."
Cordelia: "His place ? Why can't I just go home ?"
Angel: "Because he knows you, Cordelia. If he wants to he'll track you down."
Cordelia: "Yeah, but he's not invited, right ? He can't come in."
Doyle: "No, but he can burn the place to the ground."
Cordelia: "Okay then. Doyle's place it is."
Doyle to Angel: "What about you, man. You know he'll be coming back for you before long."
Angel: "I know."
Cordelia: "So what are you going to do ?"
Angel: "Find him first."
Cordelia and Doyle: "Alright, let's go." They leave as Angel wipes at the blood at the corner of his mouth. ***** Cut to Doyle's apartment. ***** He is talking on the phone, while Cordelia is pacing the floor.
Doyle: "Not Spice, that's the bird down on Broadway. Spike, like in railroads... Uhuh,... yeah, vampire, right... No ?... Okay, then. Thanks." (Hangs up.) Doyle, marking his open address book: "Frankie Tripod ? A big no."
Cordelia: "Frankie Tripod ? Oh, I get it. Some kind of three-legged monster, right ?"
Doyle: "No, he's human."
Cordelia: Then why is his name... Oh..."
Doyle, getting up: "Hey listen, why don't you sit down. Get comfortable. Angel said I should go through every name in my book until I get a bead on where Spike is hiding out. Could be a while."
Cordelia: "Please. I couldn't get comfortable in here if the floor was lined with mink. I mean, how can you live like this ?"
Doyle: "Well, I didn't until last week. Then I saw what you did with your place and I just had to call my decorator."
Cordelia: "No way. My apartment is nowhere near this yucky. (sits down on a chair. Paper rustles. She gets up brushes it of the chair and sits back down while Doyle picks some laundry of another chair) It smells like bong water in here."
Doyle: "Okay a couple of laundry might be a couple of days over due, but..." Telephone rings and Doyle goes to get it.
Doyle: "Yeah ?... Hey, Kizzy. Yeah, vamp named Spike. No ? Okay. What, a "C" note ? I absolutely paid that back, man ! Hey, no, sorry, there goes my other line." He slams the phone down.
Doyle: "He was mistaken, but I didn't have time to get into it, right ?... I'm on a mission here !... So what about this Spike ? Is he as bad as all that ? I mean should I be sweating ?"
Cordelia: "He's really not... (sighs)... sweat."
Doyle: "That's what I figured." ***** Cut to Rachel's apartment. *****
Rachel: "You keep showing up like this and I'm going to think you're a man of your word."
Angel: "Stranger things..."
Rachel: "Not many." Goes into the kitchen. Angel, following her, carefully skirting a patch of sun: "So we'll get you out of here. There are places you can go, where you'll be safe."
Rachel: "Like a shelter ?"
Angel: "It's a start. He won't be able to find you, I swear."
Rachel: "No, it's not the shelter it's just... ah... Half the time, you how this whole thing starts up again, Lenny and me ?"
Angel: "You call him."
Rachel: "I... I... I just start to jones for him. The way he jones for rock. And I call, or I find him in some dive, and I drag him home, - and it's *good* for a while."
Angel, shaking his head: "But it doesn't last. This last time he would have killed you." Angel watches with a sigh as she tries not to cry.
Rachel: "I'm scared, Angel, I'm more scared of me right now than I am of him."
Angel: "You're at a crossroads, I know. It's either go for the easy fix and wait for the consequences, or take the hard road and go with faith."
Rachel: "Oh, god. You're not from that freaky church on Sunset, are you ?" She steps away from him.
Angel: "In yourself. That kind of faith... What I'm saying is: if you leave Lenny for good, it'll hurt. But eventually you'll be stronger for it. And maybe you'll find your way to the kind of love you deserve."
Rachel: "You mean the kind of love that comes without 911 calls ?"
Angel: "That's the general idea." ***** Cut to Doyle's apartment. *****
Cordelia, eating popcorn: "Oh, yeah, Spike's nearly done Buffy in a few times. I mentioned that he's killed two Slayers already ?"
Doyle: "You did."
Cordelia: "Oh, and this one time he and Dru raised this demon that burned people from the inside. It was this whole weird thing with an arm in a box."
Doyle spellbound: "An arm in a box ?" Cordelia nods. The phone rings and Doyle picks it up.
Doyle in a nasal voice: "House of Pies." Angel in his apartment checking the mechanism of his wrist sheathes: "Doyle ? Is that you ?"
Doyle: "Oh, sorry man. Just laying low. All those calls to past acquaintances stirred up a few, uh, old resentments."
Angel: "I hope it was worth it."
Doyle: "Yeah, well, listen Manny the Pig said he didn't know anything about a vampire called Spike."
Angel: "So ?"
Doyle: "So he said that before I mentioned anything about Spike. You'll find him at a joint down on third called the Orbit Room."
Angel: "Okay. I'll start with Manny the Pig then."
Doyle: "Work your way down."
Cut to Angel slamming a guy down on a table.
Guy: "He left for the club."
Cut to Angel smashing a different guy up against the wall with his hand around his throat.
Guy: "Try the game."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cut to Angel slamming the Pig down on a poker table. Angel is grabbing him by the throat and getting right in his face. Three other guys there draw their guns and point them at an unfazed Angel.
Pig to the guys: "Put them down. (they lower the guns. To Angel) He'll kill me if I talk."
Angel: "How healthy do you think it'll be to stay quiet ?"
Pig: "He's out back."
Cut to Angel coming out the back door. He sees Spike snacking on a girl.
Angel: "Let her go !" Spike, looking up at him in vamp face: "Did anyone ever tell you you were a real buzz-kill, mate ?" Spike throws the girl into Angel and stalks off in disgust.
Angel to girl: "Run."
Cut to Angel running after Spike. Spike comes up against a chain fence at the end of the alley. Spike, turning around says sounding bored: "Caught me fair and square, White Hat. (slowly lift his hands up over his head) I guess there is nothing to do now but to go quietly and pay my debt to society."
Angel, closing with him slowly: "You think you can come to *my* town and pull *this* crap ? You never learn, Spike."
Spike with a smile: "I maybe a slow learner..." Chains rattle behind and as Angel turns around a guy in white whips a chain around Angel's neck and drags him to the ground. Spike, watching the guy hog tie Angel: "But eventually I learn." ***** Cut to Doyle's apartment. ***** Cordy is sitting by the phone, Doyle is pacing.
Cordelia: "Angel should have called by now. (sighs) this is bad!"
Doyle: "Maybe not. Maybe he did away with Spike in short order, and decided to give a go at surfing ?"
Cordelia: "Right !... What am I worried about ? Angel has the ring, right ?"
Doyle: "Right ! I bet he is out hanging 10 right about now, out on the sandy shore at. Wind in his hair..."
Cut to Angel hanging in a couple of chains by his wrists in a warehouse. Doyle voice over as camera pans down Angel's body: "Bikini babes a whistlin'" The white-clad guy form the alley puts on a classical LP the opens a trunk and takes out torture tools.
Spike: "Marcus is an expert. Some say artist, but I've never been comfortable with labels... He's a bloody king of torture, he is. Humans, demons,... politicians, makes no difference. (starts to circle Angel) Some say he invented several of the Classics,... but he won't tell me which ones... beneath the cool exterior, you'll find he is rather shy... Except with kids. (to Marcus) You like kids, don't you Marcus ?... Well, likes to eat. (leans in close to Angel) and other nasty things." Angel thrashes in his chains and Spike pulls back with a satisfied smile. Marcus puts on wire-rim glasses as he walks over to Angel. He rips his shirt open and stares at his chest.
Marcus: "His skin..."
Spike: "Annoying isn't it ? Still attached."
Marcus: "Over 200 years of living and so little external damage... What about internal ?"
Spike: "Do you two need to be alone, or can we go on to the ouchy part ?" Marcus, laying his hand on Angel's heart: "He's known love."
Spike: "Yeah, and with a Slayer no less. How is that for perversion ?"
Marcus: "And he has a soul."
Spike bored: "Right, vampire with a soul. Cursy-cursed to walk the earth trying to do good. That's not going to be a problem, is it ?"
Marcus: "On the contrary. Creatures with souls have something to lose."
Spike: "Souls, fingers, toes... Let's get chopping, will you ? I want my damn ring !"
Marcus, to Angel: "What do you want, Angel ?"
Angel: "Are you going to torture me, or just bore me to death ?" Marcus goes to pick up a poker that has been heating in a fire-barrel and stabs it clear through Angel's lower right chest. Angel suppresses a scream.
Marcus: "Probably a little of both."
Spike with a smile: "Someone's having shish kabob."
Cut to later. Angel has several metal pokers sticking through different parts of his body.
Marcus, playing with some pliers: "What do you want Angel ?"
Angel, gasping: "A house in the country, a pair of good running shoes that you can also wear out to dinner."
Spike, pacing impatiently: "Why do you keep asking him that ? And why do you keep playing that bleeding Brahms ?"
Marcus: "Actually it's Mozart. Symphony 41. I find it very effective."
Spike: "Yeah ? Personally I prefer his older funnier symphonies myself... LOOK I WANT MY RING BACK ! (kicks a box, the breaks a wooden handle and aims the resulting stake at Angel's chest) If I don't get it pretty soon, I'm going to stake me old Sire right here and now !"
Marcus: "Are you finished ? He knows you won't kill him until you get the ring. He knows you're lying." Spike, dropping the stake, to Marcus: "*You* get it for me."
Marcus: "Soon he'll want to tell me everything he knows... and then some... And he knows I'm not lying."
Spike, looking at Angel: "I believe he does."
Angel: "You're an idiot, Spike."
Spike: "You think ? Because I'm not the one chained to the ceiling with hot pokers in my side."
Angel: "You hired a vampire. What do you think he is going to do with the rings when he finds it, huh ? Hand it over to you ?"
Spike: "Oh, good Lord, why didn't I think of... ? Oh, wait half a mo', I did. I hired a guy who doesn't care about the ring, or anything else on God's green earth except taking blokes apart one piece at a time... It's called addiction, Angel. We all have it... I believe yours is named Slutty the vampire Slayer. (music ends and Spike breathes a sigh of relief) Thank you !... Speaking of little Buff, I ran into her recently. Your name didn't come up. Although she has been awful busy jumping the bones of the first lunk-head that came along. Good-looking fellow... used her shamelessly... She is cute when she is hurting, isn't she ?"
Angel: "I think she's cuter when she's kicking your ass." Marcus starts the LP over and Spike sighs.
Spike: "I think I will go get a bit of fresh air... leave you two kids to it. (Marcus sticks another hot poker through Angel's thigh, who lets out a short scream) Now that is music !" ***** Cut to Angel's apartment. ***** Spike comes up through the sewers and starts to tear the place up.
Spike: "If I was a ring, where would I be ?... Well, this is fun... But it's going to get old real fast." ***** Cut to the warehouse. ***** Marcus is circling Angel holding a pistol in his hands.
Marcus: "Most things that live and breath hate the dark and love the light." Marcus shoots a hole in the ceiling and Angel flinches back from the beam of sunlight that streams in through the hole.
Marcus: "We are different though, aren't we ? We hate the light of day, and it hates us back in kind. (shoots again)... You hid the ring Angel, or you could be walking in the light right now. So I have to wonder: what do you want if not the ring ? It's through the pain that we find the truth of who we are. It strips us of our defenses. We are made innocent again like children. I like children, Angel... I'm here to help you find that innocence, Angel,... here... with the light. (shoots again forcing Angel to strain away or burn)" ***** Cut to Angel's office. ***** Spike comes up into the office. Cordelia is waiting with a crossbow ready in her hands.
Cordelia: "When you are done giving the place the Johnny Depp once-over... I hope you have the cash to pay for all of this."
Spike, slowly stepping closer: "Cordelia. Love the hair."
Cordelia: "Wish I could say the same." Doyle, aiming a gun at Spike: "That's close enough."
Spike: "What is it with you good guys running in packs ? Who is this one then ?"
Doyle: "More than meets the eye."
Spike: "Ooh, the Mick's got spine ! Maybe I'll snap it in two."
Cordelia: "Do you want me to use this ?"
Spike: "You'll be dead before that arrow leaves the bow. (Cordy lowers the bow slightly) Now where was I ? Bloody tired of looking for that ring. I think you two should take over now."
Doyle: "Where is Angel ?"
Spike: "Angel, um... tall brooding guy, caveman brow ?... He's having the living hell tortures out of him. And you know how stubborn he can be, he might die before he gives up the ring. Why don't you two find it real fast and give it to me. I'll let Angel go."
Cordelia: "I don't trust you."
Spike: "To coin a popular Sunnydale phrase: 'duh!' But you have until sundown to save him. You'll find me behind Peterson's Fishery between Seward and Westminster. (walks off) Don't be late." ***** Cut to the warehouse. *****
Marcus: "You did terrible things when you were bad, didn't you ? And now you are trying so *hard* to do good. But Angel, there is nothing either bad or good, but thinking makes it so. (Angel is fishing with his feet for the stake Spike dropped earlier while Marcus back is turned)... Now I can make the pain go away, (pulls out a poker, Angel screams) and as you know, (pulls out another poker) I can bring it back again. (as he walks back to the table Angel manages to get the stake between his shoes) What do you want, Angel ? I think I know, but I'd like to hear it from you. The truth. I'll know if you're lying."
Angel: "I want... forgiveness."
Marcus: "Yes. That's the truth,... and you want to earn it. You're not the type that takes the easy way out. Which is why I like you so much. In the end you won't feel guilt... or remorse... or anything but pure darkness. In the end... the ring, the past... none of it will mean anything anymore. You'll be free. I promise."
Angel: "And I promise (swings his legs up and drives the stake between his feet towards Marcus chest) to kill you."
Spike, catching Angel's legs: "Now, now, staking the torturer is strictly prohibited." Marcus hits Angel.
Spike, pulling Marcus back: "Easy, fella, still need that ring. (to angel) Now you've made him mad. Wouldn't want to be in your chains."
Marcus: "Won't be long now."
Spike: "Well, what's say I'll grab a pair of needle-nose pliers and give a hand ? ***** Cut to Angel's apartment. ***** Cordy and Doyle are rifling Angel's apartment.
Cordelia: "Drat !"
Doyle: "What ?"
Cordelia: "It's not in the freezer and it's not in the toilet tank. In the movies it's always in one of those places."
Doyle: "It's not here."
Cordelia: "We've looked everywhere !"
Doyle: "Except..."
Cordelia: "The rat infested sewer tunnels he uses to get around in the day time."
Cut to the sewers. Cordy and Doyle are searching, each holding a flashlight.
Cordelia: "This is not a needle in a haystack, this is a needle in Kansas."
Doyle: "Yeah, I know, you're right. We just got to keep looking." Doyle lets Cordy get a ways ahead of him just watching her back, Suddenly blue spikes pop out all over his face. He sniffs the air, then the spikes disappear and he walks over to where Angel his the ring and picks it up.
Doyle: "Here !"
Cordelia, coming running back: "How did you do that ?"
Doyle: "You got to get lucky sometimes."
Cordelia: "I could hug you ! (when Doyle spreads out his arms) You're not that lucky. Now, come on we've got save Angel !"
Doyle: "Right, by giving Spike exactly what he wants so he can kill us."
Cordelia: "Right !... No, we need a plan." *****Cut to the Fishery. ***** Spike is waiting in the shadows behind the Fishery. Cordy and Doyle walk up.
Spike: "So... where is my ring ?"
Doyle: "Not on us."
Cordelia: "But we know where it is."
Spike: "And suddenly I'm so painfully bored. Time runs short, children. Give me that ring as if Angel's life depended on it."
Cordelia: "Listen you little Cockney, take us to Angel now."
Doyle: "So if he's still in one piece we tell you where you can find the ring."
Spike: "He is still alive I think. In one piece was never part of the deal." ***** Cut to the warehouse. ***** Angel is slumped in his chains. Spike, Cordy and Doyle walk in.
Spike: "Lucy, I'm home."
Cordelia, running towards Angel: "Angel !" Spike, holding her and Doyle back: "hey, hey ! A deal's a deal."
Angel: "Cordelia."
Spike: "And our deal was for the ring. You've wasted quiet enough of my time, so I'd really like it... NOW !"
Doyle: "You want the ring, you dog ? (pulls it out of his pocket and throws it past Angel) Go fetch !"
Cordelia: "Okay. You've got the ring, we've got Angel. And now you're going to leave us alone, and we're going to leave."
Spike: "Come on. You don't really thin that we're going to do that, do you ?"
(As Spike reaches for the ring you can hear tires squealing.)
Cordelia: "Not really."
Doyle: "No."
Oz van bursts through the side of the warehouse, rams through some barrels and comes to a screeching halt behind Angel as Spike rolls out of its way. Oz pulls out two crossbows and aims them out of the driver's side window while Cordy and Doyle free Angel and help him into the back of the van.
Oz: "Spike." As the van backs out of the warehouse, Spike looks around for the ring in vain.
Spike: "Where is the ring ?... Bloody hell."
Cut to Marcus slowly walking out into the sun. He does not burn.
Cut to Spike having a tantrum in the warehouse.
Spike: "Son of a bitch !... I do the work,... I do the digging,... fight off a Slayer,... drive to LA, fire the help,... and what do I get ?... ROYALLY SCREWWED, is what !... Well that cinches it. No more partners. From now on I'm my own man. A lone wolf. Sole survivor. Look out, here comes Spike! The baddest mother... (a beam of sunlight from one of the bullet holes hits the back of his head and his hair ignites) Ahh ! (he ducks and puts his hair out with his hands) I really hope they kill each other." ***** Cut to the beach. ***** Marcus is walking onto a pier in full sunlight. ***** Cut to Oz' van. *****
Oz: "How is he doing ?"
Doyle: "He'll live."
Cordelia: "Not without help. We need to get him to a hospital."
Oz: "I hear you. But which one ? They all tend to specialize in humans."
Doyle: "He's right, too risky. Do you know any first aid ?"
Oz: "Basic sixth grade, but I can improvise. If we can get him some place dark, maybe I can..."
Angel: "Turn around!"
Oz: "Angel."
Cordelia: "He's delirious. Ignore him."
Angel: "Turn around!"
Cordelia: "So you can do what ? It's daylight and you're ringless. Unless you're changing the act to human torch, I don't think so."
Doyle: "She's right. You're death on toast, man. You're in no shape to be fighting a torture demon." Angel pulls out the last poker still stuck in his side.
Angel: "God !... Okay, he's got a thing for children. Oz... turn around. He couldn't have gone far." Oz spins the van around. ***** Cut to the pier. ***** Marcus is looking at a group of scouts.
Marcus: "Hello boys and girls." Oz drives onto the pier and rams into him sending him flying. Cordelia gets out.
Cordelia to scouts: "Run, now. Move your little scout legs. Now ! Go ! Come on !" Oz shoots Marcus in the chest with a crossbow bolt. Marcus just pulls it back out and throws it away.
Doyle: "Damn it. I'll get him." He and Marcus start to fight. Marcus knocks Doyle down.
Cordelia: "Doyle !" Oz to Angel in the back of the van: "You're sure about this ?"
Angel: "Yeah." Oz opens the side door and Angel launches himself out with a scream. He catches fire as he runs to tackle Marcus. They crash through the railing and into the water below.
Cordelia, looking over the railing: "Where is he ?"
Cut to the dark area under the pier. Angel and Marcus stand up in the shallow water. They fight. Luckily for Angel Marcus isn't the best fighter. They are pretty evenly matched.
Marcus: "What were you planing to do ? Kill me ?"
Angel: "Well, after all, I promised." They fight some more.
Angel: "You never cracked me, Marcus... You tried, and you failed. Now that (Angel manages to impale Marcus on a board that's sticking out) that's got to be torture." Angel pulls the ring off Marcus' finger and he dusts with a scream. Angel slowly puts the ring on his hand and hesitantly steps out from under the pier blinking at the sun, looks around in wonder.
Cordelia: "Are you all right ?"
Angel: "Fine... (to Oz) Thanks for the help, man. You were key."
Oz: "You're... incredibly pale."
Cordelia: "Look, you should lie down. We should take you home."
Doyle: "Just give him a minute." Angel wanders out on the beach looking amazed.
Oz: "He's very pale. Paler than most people." ***** Cut to the top of a skyscraper. ***** Angel is watching the sun set.
Doyle: "So how long has it been between sunsets ?"
Angel: "200 years, give or take."
Doyle: "Well you got to be feeling pretty damn good then, huh? I mean this ring - changes everything, don't it ?... Yeah, it's spectacular, I know. But I do promise that there will be another one exactly like it tomorrow."
Angel: "Not for me."
Doyle: "What are you saying ? That the city will be hit by a meteor before tomorrow night or..."
Angel: "No."
Doyle: "No. It's to horrible to say the other. I can't even bring myself to say the other."
Angel: "I'm not going to wear the ring."
Doyle: "That was the other... You got a real addiction to the brooding part of life. Anyone ever tell you that?"
Angel: "Once or twice."
Doyle: "Care to explain ?... I mean this ring is your redemption. It's what you've been waiting for."
Angel: "nah, it just looks like it.'
Doyle: "Angel, man, think what you're saying."
Angel: "I have. I've thought of it from every angle, and what I figure is I did a lot of damage in my day, more than you can imagine."
Doyle: "So what, you don't get the ring because your period of self-flagellation isn't over yet ? I mean think of all the daytime people you could help between 9 and 5."
Angel: "They have help. The whole world is designed for them, so much that they have no idea what goes on around them after dark. They don't see the weak ones lost in the night,... or the things that prey on them. And if I join them, maybe I'd stop seeing, too."
Doyle: "And who'd look out for all the insomniacs?"
Angel: "I was brought back for a reason, Doyle, and as much as I would like to kid myself, I don't think it was for 18 holes at Rancho." The sun sinks below the horizon. Angel takes off the ring, picks up a brick and smashes it.
(Big green flash of light.)
Doyle: "Oh, and that Rachel girl with the crazy boyfriend called. Said to say thanks, and that she found a little faith. Said you'd know what that means."
Angel: "I don't know about you, but I had a nice day... You know, except for the bulk of it, where I was nearly tortured to death."
Doyle: "Yeah, well, you stood up."
Angel: "Oh, god. I was this close to telling him everything. I mean, one more hot poker and I was giving him the ring, your mom,... everything... How is your mom ?" | |
doc_302 | Act One.
Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier is flicking through some magazines when Roz comes to join him.
Roz: [sitting] Oh hey, Frasier. Catalogues?
Frasier: Yes. I'm trying to find the perfect wedding gift for Daphne and Donny.
Roz: Oh, right. Well, I guess now that they've set a date, I'll be getting my bridesmaid draft notice.
Frasier: You know Roz, she might not even ask you.
Roz: [positive] Oh, she'll ask me. They all do. The next thing I know I'm wearing some revolting puffy-sleeved dress made from the same material that keeps the space shuttle from burning up on re-entry.
Frasier: You know, Roz, Daphne might just surprise you and pick a dress you like.
Roz: Oh, impossible. They're always ugly; that's why the bride makes sure she's the prettiest one at the wedding.
Frasier: That's awfully cynical.
Roz: Oh yeah, when was the last time you found yourself staring at the bridesmaid instead of the bride? [signals to the waitress]
Frasier: That would have been at my wedding to Lilith.
Roz, not getting the attention of the waitress, heads over to the counter. Then Niles enters and sits with his brother.
Niles: Hello Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
Frasier: I've told you Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
Niles: No, my point is - [to waitress] Cappuccino, please [to Frasier] - even that experience was less painful than the date I was just on. She was... [takes a cat hair from his jacket and puts it on the floor] ...a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason, it was Mr. Waggles's birthday. Actually his birthday party. Actually, his surprise birthday party.
Frasier: I'm sorry, where on earth did you meet this woman?
Niles: At Nordstroms. We both reached for the same cashmere throw and she said she needed something to keep her waggles warm. I thought it was a coy euphemism. [the waitress brings his coffee] Thank you.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I certainly understand your being upset, but you know, you've got to keep on looking.
Niles: Well, trust me, with Daphne getting married, I have no choice but to press on. But I'm going to change my strategy. Do you recall, the other day at the health club, Tony Hubner gave me that phone number?
Frasier: Dear God, Niles, not a dating service?
Niles: No, it's not a dating service. An "Introduction Network" for busy professionals. I've given them my vital statistics, there's an extensive screening process, they bill me at the end of the month.
Frasier: Niles, please. They are all money-grubbing con-artists who prey on the pathetic and the lonely. God's sakes, you sign up with visions of some Ph.D., and what do they deliver? A buck-toothed librarian who needs help washing her mother! Are you really that desperate?
Niles: Half an hour ago, I had my back leg tethered to Mr. Waggles's forepaw and we came in third in the five-legged race.
Frasier: Geez, you'd think they'd let him win on his birthday.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. As Frasier enters he hears Daphne on the phone to her mother.
Daphne: I know, mum, but it is my wedding. I've given into you on so many things. Couldn't this one thing go my way? [pause] I just don't like those tiny corns in my salad. [pause] No, I don't hate you. [pause] Well, that's just not true. I'm glad you're alive. [pause] All right, all right, tiny corn it is. I've got to run now, cheery bye. [hangs up] That was mum, she had a thought about the salad.
Frasier: Something tells me yesterday's crouton skirmish wasn't the end of it.
Daphne: I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.
Frasier: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.
Daphne exits to her bedroom. Frasier enters the kitchen where he finds Martin with a box of jerky.
Frasier: Hiya, Dad.
Martin: Oh, Fras. You'll love this stuff I got from the farmer's market. This guy takes the juiciest cut of filet mignon, slices it real thin and makes jerky out of it.
Frasier: Look Dad, I don't...
Martin throws it into his mouth, you can tell he is disgusted.
Frasier: Yes, if only I had a nice powdered Cabernet to go with it. Listen, have you given any thought to Daphne's wedding present?
Martin: Now Frasier, not everyone likes jerky as much as you and me.
Frasier: No, I just want to get her something special, especially since her mother seems to be taking all the joy out of it for her.
Martin: Oh, well, how about a nice piece of luggage? You know, a good hard suitcase, like the kind people used to put stickers on to show everybody where they've been. Remember your grandad's? His whole life was on it: Topeka, Sioux Falls, Biloxi... it was like a map of the world.
Frasier: What a loss to us all that he failed to write his memoirs. I'm thinking of something that would matter to Daphne. [hiccups] Oh, something that shows her how we feel. [hiccups] Good Lord, that's a little spicy, isn't it? [gets a bottle of water from fridge] You know, maybe we should get something for her wedding.
Martin: Like what?
Frasier: Well, I don't know, her flowers, say? That's it, we could offer to pay for her wedding flowers.
Martin: That's a bit pricy, isn't it?
Frasier: Well don't worry about it, Dad. [hiccups] You just donate what you can and I'll pay for the rest. [hiccups] God, what was in that jerky?
Martin: Well, you just ate it too fast. Next time you have to savor it a little.
Frasier: Dad, I'm never going to taste that vile stuff again. [hiccups] Oh, spoke too soon.
Frasier enters the room to find Daphne.
Frasier: Daphne, may I have a word with you, please?
Daphne: What is it, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Well, it's about you wedding gift. Now, I know it's not traditionally the role of a friend but we consider you family, so please don't say no. Dad and I would be honoured to pay for your wedding... [hiccups]
Daphne: [taking it in] Pay for my wedding?
Frasier: [holds out his hand but hiccups]
Daphne: How wonderful! [hugs a hiccuping Frasier] I could never imagine.
Martin enters with the jerky.
Martin: What's all the hubbub?
Daphne: Dr. Crane, just told me about your incredible wedding present. You people are heaven-sent.
Martin: Well, I'm glad you like it. You know what, we're going to throw in a piece of luggage as well.
Daphne: [tearful] I'm just so overwhelmed.
Daphne exits to the kitchen.
Martin: See, I told you, everybody loves luggage.
Frasier: Dad, she thinks we're paying for her whole wedding.
Martin: What?
Frasier: Well, I tried to say wedding flowers, but then I hiccuped.
Martin: Well, I'm not paying for her wedding.
Frasier: Of course not, I'm just going to clear this whole thing up right now before it goes any further. [calls] Daphne!
Daphne enters.
Daphne: You know what this means, don't you? Now that mum's not paying, she can't make me have it in England. I can have my wedding how I want it, where I want it: right here. You've answered my prayers. [cries in delight and exits back to kitchen]
Frasier and Martin look at each other. The doorbell sounds.
Daphne: [o.s] Could someone let Donny in?
Martin: Well look, Donny's a very traditional guy. He's not going to let us pay for his wedding.
Frasier: Right, you saw how he proposed to her; on bended knee. He's nothing but a hopeless romantic.
And so Frasier opens the door to hear Donny on the phone saying:
Donny: Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in cash! I'm at a meeting, I'll call you later, bye. [hangs up and greets the rest] I've got this client, he's in the middle of a divorce, right, and his wife finds all these charges from this place called "Executive Match." It turns out to be a call girl service. When she gets through with him she'll have his house, his car, she'd have his beach house too if I hadn't already taken it. Women!
Then Daphne bursts in and hugs Donny, still excited.
Donny: Hi, honey.
Daphne: Hi sweetie. [kisses him] Have they told you yet?
Donny: Told me what?
Daphne: You're not going to believe this, but Dr. Crane and his father have offered to pay for our entire wedding.
Donny: [takes it in] Is this a joke?
Frasier: It could be.
Donny: I mean, it's one thing for us to let your family pay, they're your parents, it's traditional. But this is...
Frasier: Going too far? Being presumptuous?
Martin: Yeah, we don't want to step on any toes.
Daphne: I didn't think you'd be uncomfortable with this.
Frasier: Well, he clearly is, Daphne.
Martin: Donny's right! We're not family.
Frasier and Martin try to get out of it until Donny realises his bad manners.
Donny: Wait, wait, wait, what am I doing? Here you guys, you're making this lovely gesture and I'm just insulting you. I mean if you guys are not family to Daphne, then who is? Course you can pay for the wedding. Thank you, thank you.
Donny hugs Frasier and Martin who cringe at the thought of the cost.
Daphne: I just knew he'd see how much this meant to you. I'm tearing up again.
Donny: No, don't start with the water works because you're going to get me going. [notices jerky] What's this? Jerky? Can I have some of that?
Martin: Help yourself.
Donny: [reads box] Made from filet mignon. How much did this stuff set you back?
Frasier: You have no idea!
End of Act One. Act Two.
Scene One - Café Nervosa. Daphne is going through her plans for the wedding with Frasier.
Daphne: Now, as far as the reception goes, I've narrowed it down to two places. I'm leaning towards "Captain Jonah's." The view of the water's lovely. But you have to walk through a whale's mouth to get inside.
Frasier: I hesitate to ask how you exit.
Daphne: I've got to run. I've a meeting with the DJ.
Daphne leaves. The woman seated behind Frasier, covering her head with a newspaper puts her read down, revealing herself as Roz. She comes over.
Roz: I thought she'd never leave!
Frasier: Good God, Roz, how long have you been there?
Roz: Since you two walked in and trapped me.
Frasier: Aren't you taking this a bit too far just trying to avoid an unflattering dress?
Roz: Yeah, I thought you'd say that. That's why I've been carrying around this picture of the last time I was a bridesmaid.
Roz hands her photo to Frasier.
Frasier: Good Lord, Roz, you look like you've been tented for termites. Roz whips the photo back again.
Roz: Well, it sounds like she's having fun planning her wedding.
Frasier: Yes, well, now that she can have things her way and not her mother's.
Roz: She's lucky you came along.
Frasier: Well, yes and no. You know, I sit here and let her make questionable choices and I say nothing because I know it's going to cost me less. I'm sorry, I've got to change my thinking about this whole thing. What good is my money, if I'm denying her the best gift I have to offer: my taste and expertise? Frankly, what Daphne really deserves is the gift of Frasier.
Roz: Suddenly that crock pot I'm giving them doesn't sound so bad.
Frasier: Oh, shut up!
Roz exits as Niles appears from the back of the café with a delightful smile upon his face.
Frasier: Hello, Niles. You look like a man who's been waiting to be asked why he's grinning.
Niles: Oh, I was just thinking about the other day when you said how you thought dating services were all a big con. Well, I just got conned into meeting the most enchanting woman.
Frasier: I don't know what to say.
Niles: And I owe it all to "Executive Match."
Frasier: Now I do. The name of this service is "Executive Match?"
Niles: Right, and you thought these women all beneath me.
Frasier: Beneath you and countless others. Niles, do you have any idea...
Then Sabrina walks in. She looks like the average ditzy blonde. She is on her cell phone. Niles calls her, but Sabrina signals him to pipe down and she'll be with him in a second.
Niles: She's always on the phone. Whatever it is she does for a living, she's in great demand.
Frasier: So you have no idea what line of work Sabrina's in.
Niles: I'm guessing high-priced lawyer. I heard her quote her hourly rate on the phone. Believe me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of that bill. [laughs]
Frasier: Niles, I feel I must warn you...
Niles: Oh please, spare me your condescending advice. Why can't you simply say you were wrong?
Frasier: You have no idea what you're doing!
Niles: I know exactly what I'm doing! And you could learn a thing or two from me, Mister One-Date-And It's Over. I am taking it slow with Sabrina.
Frasier: You mean you haven't?
Niles: ...haven't?
Frasier: Haven't...?
Niles: Oh, please! Are you mad, you don't proposition a woman like that on the first date. Last night, I dropped her home after dinner with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may proceed to hand holding. If all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.
Sabrina comes over. Niles stands and kisses her wrist.
Niles: Sabrina, this is Frasier.
Frasier: Hello, lovely to meet you.
Sabrina: Nice to meet you. You really have a great brother. He's charming and witty and intelligent and handsome. [laughs]
Niles: I paid her to say that. [laughs]
Frasier: Of course you did!
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE GIFT OF FRASIER
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. The room is full of things for the wedding. The dinner table is complete with tablecloths, flowers and food. There is a harp next to the piano. Frasier is just showing the florist out as the doorbell sounds. He opens the door to the dove man (who has a box of doves with him) and Daphne.
Frasier: Finally, the doves have arrived. Come in, come in. [he does] [to florist] Lathbert, thank you so much for coming, lovely flowers, I'll let you know.
Daphne: [enters and closes door] Dr. Crane, was that the florist for my wedding?
Frasier: In his dreams! God, the man's arrangements are one big cliché. Look at this, his answer to everything is baby's breath, baby's breath, baby's breath. [points to flowers]
Daphne: Does that woman with the harp have something to do with my wedding too?
Frasier: No, Daphne, she's selling them door to door. Of course it's for your wedding. She's auditioning.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I really don't think...
Then Martin enters from his room.
Martin: Oh good, Daphne, you're here too. Listen, I want to show you guys a little something I thought up for the wedding. [acting as a minister] It is now the time in the ceremony for the rings. May I have them, please?
Eddie runs in with a little basket containing two rings. He runs up and jumps on the couch, allowing Martin to take them.
Martin: Course, it's a lot more effective when he's in his little tux.
Frasier: Dad, please, it's all just a bit much, isn't it? We don't want to turn this wedding into a circus. Now, the dove man.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, about the doves...
Frasier: Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality - the power lines always take out a few.
Frasier lets the dove man out.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, about the doves, well it just seems a little grand. I mean, what's wrong with throwing a bit of rice?
Frasier: Well, if you want rice, of course, you'll have rice. [then] Sometimes it seems nothing I do is good enough.
Daphne: No, no, no, I suppose doves will be fine.
Martin: [noticed a reverend in the kitchen] Frasier, is that Reverend Franklin in the kitchen?
Frasier: Yes it is, Dad.
Martin: You're auditioning our minister for the wedding?
Daphne: Don't you think Donny and I should have a say in who marries us?
Frasier: Of course, Daphne, I'm just whittling down the possibilities. The final choice is yours.
Chef Marco then enters with some cooked mushrooms from the kitchen.
Marco: Who's tasting the first course?
Frasier: Oh, that would me. [Marco exits]
Daphne: Who's that?
Frasier: That's Chef Marco from the Mercer Club, Daphne. Today we'll be sampling each of our four courses.
Daphne: No, I was planning on serving a buffet. That way people can mingle, it's more festive.
Frasier: We are talking about your wedding, not brunch with all the fixin's at "Billy Bob's Blackjack Boomtown."
The doorbell sounds. Frasier opens the door to Niles on the arm of Sabrina.
Niles: Hello, Frasier, you remember Sabrina.
Frasier: Yes, of course, lovely to see you. Niles, what are you doing here?
Niles: Oh, we're out for an afternoon of bird watching. It's the start of mating season, you know. [winks at Frasier] Just wanted to introduce my new girlfriend to Dad. Dad, this is Sabrina.
They give their greetings.
Martin: [impressed] Hey, nice to meet you.
Sabrina: Nice to meet you too. I should really call my office, about how long do you think we'll be gone?
Niles: Er, about eight hours.
Sabrina: Great!
Sabrina goes off to the hallway as Frasier responds to Sabrina's last remark. The doorbell sounds again. Daphne answers it to Roz, who tries to get away quickly. She has papers in her hand.
Roz: Oh, Daphne, I didn't know you were going to be here. I just want to drop these off for Frasier. [hands them to her]
Daphne: Roz, I'm glad you dropped by, I need to talk to you about my wedding. Do you mind if we speak in the hallway?
Roz: Actually, I don't have much time.
Daphne: [follows her into hallway and shuts door behind her] Well, then I'll get right to it.
However the elevator opens to a delivery man with a dress.
Deliveryman: Excuse me, do you know where Dr. Crane lives?
Daphne: Right here, can I help you?
Deliveryman: I'm dropping off this bridesmaid dress.
Daphne: Oh, I'll take that. I'm the bride.
The delivery man goes back down in the elevator. As Daphne goes on with her speech, Roz examines the beautiful silk wedding dress. She is hardly listening to Daphne.
Daphne: What I need to ask you is, how do you ever get Dr. Crane to listen to you...
Roz: Is this the bridesmaid dress?
Daphne: He's driving me mad. He doesn't listen to anything I say...
Roz: The woman you ask to be bridesmaid gets to wear this?
Daphne: And the worst part is...
Roz: Is that silk?
Daphne: Well, he's just like my mother, controlling and stubborn. I mean, what am I going to do?
Roz: [then] Well, Daphne, it's your wedding. Just tell Frasier how you feel.
Daphne: Yeah, well that's a bit difficult for me. You see, there was no talking to my mother. Anytime I sort of tried all I hear is "Just do it my way, you'll thank me later." Every time she said that I just wanted to explode.
Roz: Look, Frasier's a reasonable guy. Just go in there and be direct.
Daphne: You're right, I'm going to and... Roz, I was going to ask you if you wanted to be one of my bridesmaids?
Roz: [obvious acting] Oh my God, are you serious? This is coming out of nowhere. I'd love to.
They hug.
[N.B. In fact, Jane Leeves was a bridesmaid at Peri Gilpin's wedding to her husband, artist Christian Vincent.]
Daphne: Don't worry. Once I'm in charge you won't have to wear this thing Dr. Crane picked out. I mean, he calls this a bridesmaid dress! The sleeves aren't even puffy.
Daphne enters the apartment as Roz angrily presses the lift button. Meanwhile, Martin and Sabrina are chatting away.
Martin: So, how long have you guys been seeing each other?
Sabrina: Let's see. Since we've met it's been about seventeen, no, eighteen hours.
Niles: She actually counts the minutes we've been together.
Frasier: Niles, may I see you in the kitchen?
Niles: Excuse me.
Frasier heads to the kitchen with Niles. Daphne stops them.
Daphne: [confronting] Dr. Crane, I need to talk to you.
Frasier: Not now, Daphne.
Daphne: [nervous] All right.
Niles and Frasier enter the kitchen.
Niles: All right, what is it?
Frasier: Niles, it's about Sabrina. She's a prostitute.
Niles: Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about.
Frasier: Niles! "Executive Match" is an escort service. One of Donny's clients was caught using them.
Niles: I don't believe you.
Frasier: Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even your collections?
Niles: Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely-seen collection of eighteenth century Portuguese bud vases.
Frasier: And how did she react?
Niles: Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and- [clicks] Oh my God, I'm dating a whore! They have my credit card number, I've been running up a tab! [looks at watch and calculates bill] I've got to get her out of here!
Niles rushes into the living room with Frasier. The gang are in with Reverend Franklin.
Niles: Sabrina, we should be going.
Martin: What's the hurry? We're having a nice conversation.
Sabrina: Yeah, I love your dad.
Frasier: Did I mention he used to be a police officer?
Sabrina: Maybe we should go. [gets up]
Franklin: Surely you can stay a little while, I haven't seen Niles in ages. [to Sabrina] You know, I used to teach him in Sunday school.
Martin: Oh, you know Reverend, I can still remember dropping him off for his first class. It seems like only yesterday.
Suddenly harp music begins playing. The type that is used in movies when they are having a flashback. Everybody thinks this weird and starts looking around only to find it to be the harp player auditioning.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, I believe I have chosen your bouquet. [picks one up] It's hand-woven out of pygmy orchids.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I really need to talk to you.
Frasier: Well, of course, Daphne. First let's sample the Porcinni mushrooms. They're exquisite.
Daphne: But I don't like mushrooms!
Frasier: You only think you don't, you haven't tried these.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, this is really...
Frasier: Try this for me, you'll thank me later.
Daphne: [bursts angrily] You'll thank me later?! I've heard that my whole life, well, no more! [chasing Frasier round the room] I'm doing my wedding my way. And if that means I want rice instead of doves and a DJ instead of a harp, then that's what I'll have. I don't want your advice, I don't want your money and I don't want your mushrooms. I'm in charge of this wedding now. [picks up bouquet] And what kind of a git walks down the aisle carrying something of pygmy orchids!
Daphne throws the bouquet angrily and marches off to her room. Sabrina catches the bouquet and links her arm with Niles. The two are now standing in front of Reverend Franklin as the harp player strikes up Handel's "Wedding March." Niles takes the bouquet and throws them on the floor. They all look at him.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Later that day, Martin and Eddie are sat at the dinner table as Frasier walks back from a visit to Daphne's room.
Martin: Is she all right?
Frasier: She's fine. We had a nice talk.
Martin: Well, that's good. Wedding still on track?
Frasier: Absolutely.
Martin: You just got a little carried away, that's all.
Frasier: Oh, I guess so, yeah. You know, it suddenly occurred to me when I was talking to Daphne that I never really got the wedding of my dreams either. Oh sure, you know, my first one was a little clandestine affair we dashed off at the city hall. I could have hardly imagined a wedding more lacking in ceremony. Until my second wedding, which was lacking a bride. Then came Lilith. If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold.
Martin: Oh, so you've had a few bad weddings.
Frasier: I guess I was just taking my last best shot at the wedding I shall never have for myself.
Martin: Oh, come on.
Frasier: Oh, let's face it, Dad: I'm no spring chicken. Do you really see me getting married again?
Martin: Well, I guess I've had my doubts, but right here, right now,
I think: yeah, you're going to meet someone.
Frasier: Do you really think so?
Martin: Yes I do and I'll tell you why. If Niles can meet a great gal like Sabrina, then there's hope for all of us.
He gets up and exits. Despite Martin's mistake, Frasier can't help but smile.
End of Act Two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Café Nervosa:
Roz is waiting when Daphne enters with the bridesmaid dress of her choice - emerald green satin, puffy sleeves and gold bows. It's hideous. Roz pretends enthusiasm as Daphne holds it up to her, then piles Roz's hair on top of her head in the fashion she imagines for the wedding, and gets choked up at how beautiful she thinks Roz looks.
Roz maintains a cheerful front till Daphne turns her back, then she collapses in tears. | |
doc_303 | [PREVIOUSLY_ON]
John: Isaac?
Isaac: Isaac, the fornicator. Coming home to Salem to get out of the war is like jumping in the ocean to get out of the rain.
Isaac: You can't leave Salem just yet. Something you've got to see.
Mr. Hale: Someone broke our circle.
Mary: Who saw us?
Mr. Hale: I do not know.
Mary: I waited for you. Years and years.
John: Come with me.
Mary: I can't. It's impossible.
Tituba: The grand rite has begun, and the earth cries out for innocent blood.
Mary: I know well my duties.
George: [Grunts] The only thing that keeps me alive is the look on your face when John Alden finds out what you really are.
Bridget: [Screaming]
Anne: Father, you know Bridget. How could you think her guilty of this?
Mr. Hale: It isn't a matter of what I think. What a mess you've made of things.
Bridget: [Gasping]
Anne: [Sobbing]
Mary: I don't want you here.
John: I almost believe you.
[Insects chirping]
Cotton: You're so beautiful.
"Fear no man's war, for only a war from hell could destroy Salem." The devil was never going to let a promised land be built here without a battle.
Mary: Do you know what killed nearly every woman buried here? Love.
Cotton: And witches armed with deadly malice...
Mary: Most died in childbirth. So love is to a woman...
Cotton: Are the most malignant and insidious weapons in that battle...
Mary: What war is to a man. The most deadly thing, they'll do.
Cotton: That war for the body and the soul of a nation.
Mary: Only a fool runs quickly to war...
Cotton: Imagine a foe you can't see...
Mary: Or love.
Cotton: Armed with weapons unknown...
Mary: I can teach you...
Cotton: And the ability to appear as anyone.
Mary: About life and death and many things in between.
Anne: Stop it! Just stop it! Stop.
Cotton: Shh. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
[Gasps]
[Water splashes]
[Indistinct shouting]
["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays]
♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪
[indistinct shouting]
Man: Burn in hell!
[Shouting continues]
Woman: Sin!
Isaac: Be assured, Mrs. Bridget... ones that are weepin' far outnumber the ones that might spit or curse.
Man: Burn in hell! Burn!
[Indistinct shouting]
Tituba: You would do well to pay that boy extra to take them bodies a more circuitous route.
Mary: Spectacle is fuel for our fire.
Tituba: And doubt is indulged by the rich and spoiled only.
Mind that you was born neither.
Woman: "Give me to die with thee that I may rise to a new life, "for I wish to be as dead and buried to sin, to selfishness..."
Mary: By all means, Reverend... do not offer prayer or comfort or words of encouragement. No, stand as a bewildered statue amongst the people of Salem and offer them absolutely nothing.
Cotton: What would you have me do?
Mary: What I brought you here to do. Guide and support us in our great hour of need. Warm our hearts with your words of wisdom. Assure us it is God's will we do in ferreting out the devil. Or at the very, very least... Pray.
Mr. Hale: Tragic day.
Mary: Tragic but necessary.
Mr. Hale: Tragically necessary. Surely, the grieving of the masses gives you pause.
Mary: Most spit and curse while summoning the burning flames of hell.
Mr. Hale: There are also those who weep for her and find her hanging unfounded.
Mary: Not enough to divert our intentions. A panic's success relies on its escalation. The grand rite has begun. We look to our next victim.
Mr. Hale: And that I disagree, that I strenuously and most vehemently oppose means nothing to you? We were seen at our sabbat. And you throw caution to the wind.
Mary: And have you identified who saw us? Perhaps your disagreements and vehement opposition might hold more weight if you could be relied on to complete a simple task. Good day, Hale.
[Indistinct shouting]
Cotton: What must I do to be saved?
It is impossible to ask a more weighty question. Lest we perish eternally.
John: How's it feel?
Cotton: How does what feel?
John: Killing two innocents in as many days.
Cotton: The evidence against Miss bishop... woman: The orphanage! Help! They're looting the orphanage!
[Glass shatters]
Anne: Get out!
It's not yours!
[Baby crying]
Get John: Next one's to your head.
[Children crying]
Are you okay?
Anne: It's awful. It's too awful.
Mr. Hale: W-what's happened?
John: Thieves have come to ransack the orphanage now that the town sees fit to hang its guardian.
Mr. Hale: Easy, son.
John: This is what comes of your witch panic.
Mr. Hale: Are you all right?
Anne: This is your fault! And his.
Mr. Hale: [Sighs] Forgive her. She's distraught.
Anne: I'm right! See me home.
Mr. Hale: Captain, if you wouldn't mind, hmm?
John: Yes. Of course.
Anne: Where have they taken her?
John: Foul spot where they rest the unwanted.
Anne: Is it very terrible?
John: Yes.
[Bell tolling]
Anne: Thank you...
For your heroism and your candor.
[Horse whinnies]
[Door opens]
Petrus: [Laughs] Welcome, welcome, welcome!
A cup of tea? A touch of port?
Mr. Hale: No time. Who saw us in the woods?
Petrus: It was... He who is marked. He of the "F" that furrows his brow.
Mr. Hale: Isaac?
Petrus: The fornicator.
Mr. Hale: The idiot.
Petrus: One more thing. Isaac was not alone.
Mr. Hale: Who else was with him?
Petrus: I don't know. I could not make out the face.
Mr. Hale: You don't know. What good are you? A seer who can't see.
Petrus: It's not an exact art.
Mr. Hale: Evidently not.
Petrus: [Chuckles]
John: Hello?
[Metal scraping]
[Crow caws]
Hello?
[Dog growling]
[Snarling]
[Grunts]
[Breathing heavily]
John: What the hell was that place?
Mr. Hale: The shack belongs to Petrus, an expert on creatures both feral and otherwise.
John: Yeah, well, they looked dead... Until they didn't.
Mr. Hale: No dead animal could threaten a storied soldier such as yourself, Captain.
John: It could, if powered by forces we don't understand.
Mr. Hale: Such as?
John: Witchcraft.
Mr. Hale: Nonsense.
John: Is it?
You know him well, this Petrus?
Mr. Hale: You'll find no man more ordinary than Petrus. To say that he's mundane is to overstate his passion.
John: And what ordinary task brought you deep into the forest to seek his mundane counsel?
Mr. Hale: Easy, son... Or I might suspect your presence here as more than a coincidence, that, perhaps, for reasons of your own about which I'm sure you'd rather I not inquire, you might have followed me here. And what a shame... To have suspicion overtake the grace I owe for the kindness you showed my daughter.
John: Consider it repaid.
Mr. Hale: Right.
George: [Gagging]
Mary: George, really. [Scoffs] You are worse than a child.
George: [Groans]
Mary: He serves at my behest, not yours. He won't come out for you. Ohh. There, there, little man. Oh, pay the beast no mind. Rest now, and I'll see to your feeding later.
Tituba: Isaac's brung the master's potions.
Mary: Tell him to wait.
[Sighs]
Ohh, George. Your nightdress thoroughly drenched in sick. Stew in that for the day, my sweet.
George: [Gurgles]
Isaac: For Mr. Sibley.
Mary: Oh, and not a moment too soon. Just now, he suffered a fit of sorts.
Isaac: If you don't mind me saying so, ma'am, it's a burden you've took on... a burden and load, carried out without cry or complaint.
Mary: My burdens can't compare to that of Salem itself. How do you find the spirits on the square?
Isaac: Low, ma'am. Awful low.
Mary: Perhaps there is solace to be found in remembrance of times when we've both shouldered worse. Who could have imagined that a single night could have consequence for so many? Not all scars can be seen. But they exist nonetheless.
Isaac: Next morning, she was gone. Run away and disappeared.
Mary: Oh, your sweet Abby.
Isaac: I'll admit to wondering on occasion what it might be like to one day see her again or know of her or hear her fate. Would it be better or so much worse?
Mary: I can assure you, Isaac... if you were to see her again, you would find those feelings buried too deeply for hope of resurrection. Good afternoon, Isaac.
Isaac: G'day, ma'am.
[Indistinct conversations]
Aah!
[Grunting]
[Insects buzzing]
What is that? What is that? What are you... what are you doing? Please. Please.
[Muffled screaming]
[Gasps]
[Breathing heavily]
Pigman: What did you see in the woods?
Isaac: [Screams]
Pigman: We knew you weren't alone.
Woman: We know!
We know! We know!
Isaac: [Cries]
Woman: Who was there?! Who was there?!
Isaac: I was alone! I was alone!
Mr. Hale: Get it all. Want no trace of our efforts. The fault must lie with him alone.
[Crow caws]
And put these in his pockets. If he's to be found a witch, the good reverend will require proof... evidence to seal his fate, hmm? What is it? Is this sympathy that I'm sensing? One outcast to the other? Is that what you feel, you decrepit deformity?
Ghoul: Mary!
Mr. Hale: So now even you would question me? Do as you're told! Does your great Mary know what it is to watch witches burn? Nothing of the old ways while she's whipping us toward the new. A spell of vitae cupido, and then we send him to the one place in town that will certainly deny him entrance. That should get their attention.
Gloriana: [Sniffles]
Cotton: You're crying.
Gloriana: [Chuckling] I'm not.
Cotton: You are. What's wrong?
Gloriana: If they can hang a woman like Miss bishop, what does that mean for someone like me?
Cotton: Nothing is going to happen to you.
Gloriana: How can you be so sure? Just yesterday, it was me that they put before the Lewis girl. Would you have come forward had I been accused?
Cotton: I follow every protocol. I adhere to every letter of what my father taught me. No one is convicted without incontrovertible evidence.
Gloriana: So you're certain Miss bishop was a witch?
Cotton: I am certain... Of the evidence.
Gloriana: Why do you do it?
Cotton: Why?
Gloriana: Is it that you believe that you're doing good? Or is it that you wish to please your father?
[Screaming, glass shattering]
Gloriana: It's Isaac! He's mad!
[Glass shatters]
[Screaming continues]
Cotton: I can't be seen here.
Isaac: [Laughs] Let me touch you!
[Women screaming]
Get up!
Woman: Isaac, no!
Isaac: Ha ha! Ah ha ha!
[Women screaming]
Isaac: [Laughing maniacally]
[Isaac screaming]
Gloriana: Isaac, what are you doing?
Isaac: What do you see?!
Cotton: Isaac!
Isaac: Oh, there you are!
Cotton: Isaac!
[Women screaming]
Isaac: Isaac the fornicator! Isaac the fornicator!
Hide your wives! Hide all your sheep! Isaac the fornicator will get them when they sleep! Isaac the fornicator! Hide your wives! Hide your wives! Hide all your sheep! Isaac the fornicator! Hide your wives!
John: Isaac!
Isaac: Hide your sheep. Isaac the fornicator.
John: Stop! Isaac!
Isaac: Jonathan, it's no good. It's no good!
John: What is no good?
Isaac: They saw us. They saw us. They saw us in the woods. They saw us. They saw us in the woods. They saw us.
John: Shut up.
Mr. Hale: Take him to the jail.
Isaac: They saw us in the woods. They saw us.
John: Shh.
Mary: Magistrate.
Mr. Hale: Mrs. Sibley.
Mary: What have you done?
Mr. Hale: The idiot saw us in the woods.
Mary: Isaac. So, you did this without consent?
Mr. Hale: He wasn't alone. We'll find out who was with him, and he will burn.
Mary: No, you will do nothing further.
Mr. Hale: But...
Mary: Nothing! Go home, Magistrate. You reek of the woods.
[Horse neighs]
Find me Rose.
Isaac: [Groans]
John: A drunken romp, that's all... a young man's prerogative.
Cotton: And yet no smell of spirits on him.
John: Oh, well, burn him, then. Why wait?
Cotton: If he was spelled, he's blameless in his actions.
John: Yet you still hold him. Why?
Cotton: Found on his person. Likely stolen to cast a spell on its owner.
John: One minute, he's speller. The next, he's bewitched. Make up your mind, Reverend. Is he a witch or a victim of the craft?
Cotton: Chief ingredient of a witch's brew.
John: Isaac took me into those woods. He risked his life to show me the witches. Why, if he was one?
Lamb: I've, uh, administrated a tonic that'll settle him down and, uh, end the fits.
Cotton: What is your surgeon's opinion of the boy's condition?
Lamb: I can't say for sure as to cause or source, but going by his babble, that boy is good and touched.
Mr. Hale: Every benefit of the doubt, every Avenue explored. The boy is one of our own. Outcast and shunned as he may be, he still resides in the bosom of Salem. I'll, uh... I'll speak with him personally.
Lamb: [Laughs] Not tonight, you won't.
Mr. Hale: And why not?
John: Lamb gave Isaac a tonic to help him sleep.
[Horse neighs]
Cotton: Probably best, Magistrate, to return in the morning.
John: Yes, Magistrate. You can have your personal talk with him then.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Mary: Rose, absent the magistrate, what chance have I of harnessing the body's allegiance?
Rose: [Sighs] The others are split between old and new. Difficult to predict the outcome of such a divide.
Mary: You're old and yet somehow not governed by this fear.
Rose: It is not age that divides us, but ambition.
Mary: [Chuckles] Well, he's not without ambition.
Rose: It chafes him to bend to a woman, but he does so that our greater purpose may live.
Mary: It was to be me that led us.
Rose: It was and it is.
Mary: Questioned and challenged at every turn, each and every decision soliciting doubt and scrutiny.
Rose: Much as we may wish it, primacy does not live in the abyss.
Mary: It cannot have all been in vain.
Rose: Sibley.
Your baby.
Mary: It cannot have all been in vain. This life, my...
Rose: Choices.
Mary: Was there a choice? Or was choice taken from me?
Rose: It's too late now to think of such things.
Mary: Is it?
Rose: It mustn't have been easy seeing him again. It is yours to decide, my girl, what is in vain and what is not.
Mary: And you will stand behind my decision?
Rose: Up to a point.
Mary: Hmm.
Rose: The magister's roots are old. He has seen much and suffered greatly. Do not underestimate him.
[Thunder rumbles]
John: Mrs. Sibley.
Mary: Captain Alden.
John: Isaac is not a witch.
You do nothing, he'll be hung for one. We have to stop this. There's nothing left in you. No feelings, no heart. You're not the girl I once knew.
Mary: Have they questioned him?
John: No. That's because he was given a sleeping tonic.
Mary: So he's said nothing.
John: Nothing. But Cotton is eager, and the magistrate was hard to turn away.
Mary: Hale? Was there?
John: He came straight to question him.
Mary: You have my complete allegiance.
[Horse neighs]
Cotton: "Our opportunities to do good are our talents."
My father said that. The great increase Mather. To stay impartial, to weigh without bias... is this the good I am meant to do? I don't want your life in my hands. Half of Salem takes you for a fool. The rest dismiss you as a pervert. Am I mad to think I saw something in you? Something of a man? And just the sort Salem needs to fight the devil.
[Thunder rumbles]
Abigail: [Echoing] Isaac, Isaac. Isaac, Isaac.
Oh, sweet Isaac.
Isaac: Abby? [Laughs] Abby?
Abigail: Isaac.
Isaac: How did you...
Abigail: Shh. My sweet. Tell me... who was with you in the woods?
Isaac: Who was what?
Abigail: The other night. Who was with you?
Mary: Who was with you, my sweet Isaac?
Abigail: Who was with you, my love? No one can hear us. If you love me, you'll tell me.
Isaac: I can't.
Abigail: Tell me, and we'll be together again, just like we were.
Isaac: [Sighs] I can't.
Abigail: You can.
Isaac: I can't.
Cotton: You can't what?
Abigail: You can. It's okay. Who was with you, my love?
Isaac: It was John Alden.
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
Mary: Good morning, Magistrate.
Mr. Hale: Good morning, Mrs. Sibley.
What an unforeseen delight. Will you join me in some coffee? W-we've been experimenting with a new Brazilian brew.
Mary: May we speak?
Mr. Hale: The ladies are at prayer.
Mary: He was alone... Isaac.
Mr. Hale: You questioned him? How?
Mary: He was alone in the woods. And that ends this persecution.
Mr. Hale: And you're absolutely certain that Isaac was telling the truth?
Mary: The circumstances were such that a lie would not...
could not... cross his lips.
Mr. Hale: Well, then, that leaves nothing but to task the selectmen to a vote and hang the boy for witchcraft.
Mary: No.
Mr. Hale: Salem will be no poorer for one less nitwit.
Mary: No.
Mr. Hale: [Sighs]
We will never truly know what he saw, and what he saw could get us all killed.
Mary: I can control Isaac.
Mr. Hale: And what of the grand rite? You wanted another victim, and now you have one. Tick-tock, Mrs. Sibley. The next moon fast approaches.
Mary: I will not let this happen.
Mr. Hale: You're powerless to stop it. The council will rule overwhelmingly against it.
Mary: You will not do this! [Plate rattles]
Mr. Hale: It can only be sentiment that's stopping you. Such raw emotion. It makes you vulnerable. Don't let it cloud your purpose. He has to go.
Anne: Mrs. Sibley.
Mary: Good morning, Anne.
Isaac: They ain't mine. I've said it 10 ways from Sunday!
Cotton: Then how did they come to be on your person?
Isaac: I don't know. The pigman must have put them on me. Or that blasted specter from the crags.
Cotton: The pigman?
Isaac: He saw us that night in the woods. That's why they're doing this to me. Don't you see? They know I seen something.
[Horse neighs]
[Sighs]
Cotton: What else do you remember?
Isaac: From the woods?
Cotton: No.
From the other night. At... at the rod?
Isaac: The whorehouse? Nothing. I-I-I don't remember anything. I told you...
Mary: Captain, a word. Magistrate Hale will be here soon for Isaac. He's prepared to force a vote and hang him. You will stop him.
John: How?
Mary: Any way you must.
Mr. Hale: Well, the business of Salem awaits no man.
Anne: I know what you're doing, and I hate you for it.
Mrs. Hale: Unacceptable language. Utterly and completely horrid sentiment.
Anne: My friend is dead. And you rush out to kill another.
Mr. Hale: Darling, you must understand...
Anne: Even Mary Sibley, with whom I share not a single common opinion, finds your actions vile!
Mr. Hale: And just how much of my conversation did you feel yourself entitled to?
Anne: Enough to know that this persecution of Isaac is folly! Will you kill another, father? Is that the "business" you're so eager to attend to?
Mr. Hale: Everything I do, I do for this family... For its well-being and for the greater good of this town.
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
Anne: What?
No "how dare you?" Or "mind your elders"?
Mrs. Hale: For once, my daughter, I agree with you.
Anne: You do?
Mrs. Hale: But if I were you, I'd find an Avenue around your distaste for Mrs. Sibley in order to absorb her manners and ways.
Anne: She's despicable. I could never be like her.
Mrs. Hale: She is a woman who has found her way to a voice.
Anne: Look how she uses it.
Mrs. Hale: You could use yours any way you like, but you have to find it first, unless you want to spend the rest of your life shouting at your father... Or... Your husband.
Cotton: What did Mrs. Sibley require?
John: Are you convinced of Isaac's innocence or guilt?
Cotton: I am not convinced of either.
John: Then stay the hell out of my way.
Mr. Hale: We shall take the boy to trial.
John: That path leads to the gallows.
Mr. Hale: It's in no one man's hands.
John: Really? Whose hands is it in?
Mr. Hale: God's, of course.
John: No.
Mr. Hale: Need I remind you, son, that you are impeding the very same man who only yesterday was your savior?
John: Yeah. That was yesterday. You want Isaac today... You got to go through me.
Mr. Hale: The great John Alden disappears for a decade and then dares to come back and dictate how to run our town? Take him.
[Footsteps]
Tituba: He is not worth this Isaac.
Mary: This has nothing to do with Isaac.
Tituba: I know. Which means it has to do with John Alden.
Mary: The Magistrate will learn who leads us, and he will accept it.
Tituba: Or?
[Snake hisses]
[Gasps]
[Gasping]
[Choking]
John: [Grunting]
Cotton: Help him.
Isaac: [Screams]
Messenger: Magistrate Hale, your daughter!
Mr. Hale: Stop! Get him back in the cell!
Stop! Stop! Get him back in the cell! What? What's happened?
Isaac: [Grunting]
Lamb: Has she et something strange from the garden or the woods?
Mrs. Hale: No.
Lamb: Was she bit by an insect or a critter?
Mrs. Hale: No, no! Please!
Mr. Hale: What's happened?
Mrs. Hale: She... she can't breathe!
Mr. Hale: For God's sakes, man, do something!
Lamb: She is beyond my arts.
[Anne choking]
Mrs. Hale: Where...
[door opens]
Mr. Hale: Stop it! Make it stop!
Mary: Magistrate, good afternoon.
Mr. Hale: I beg of you. Isaac can go free, whatever you want.
Just make it stop.
Mary: You will not question him.
Mr. Hale: No.
Mary: You will get out of my way. You will let me lead without further interference. I will choose who lives and who dies.
Mr. Hale: Yes, yes. Help her.
Mary: You see, Magistrate, I've lost everything in this town that I ever cared for. You, however, you have everything left to lose...
a sentiment that makes you vulnerable.
Mr. Hale: [Sighs]
Please. My daughter. My daughter.
[Indistinct conversations]
Mrs. Hale: She's improved.
Mr. Hale: [Sighs]
I never understood it before... how my parents could send me away. What could be worse than being apart? Certainly not death. Now I know a parent will do anything for the life of their child.
Mrs. Hale: What did you do?
Anne: What happened?
Mr. Hale: It's all right, darling.
Everything's going to be all right.
[Smooches]
[John groans]
Cotton: A confession...
I've thought, on occasion, my character might've been improved by the infrequent tussle.
John: Oh, yeah. Beating's done you a world of good.
Why did you help me?
Cotton: Even God demands a fair fight.
Mr. Hale: Gentlemen.
The selectmen and I feel, in this particular case, that a trial and a vote will be unnecessary. Clearly, the lad was drunk. We are willing to let him go and drop charges. Unless, of course, the Reverend feels otherwise.
Cotton: A drunken romp is all... a young man's prerogative. Why don't you tell him?
John: Well... The good folks of Salem have declared you a drunk and not a witch. You're sprung.
Isaac: I'm free?
John: Yeah. Get the hell out of here.
Isaac: Pretty sure no one's ever stood for me before. Makes it hard to know what to say. You saved my life.
Cotton: Excellent news. Isaac has been spared.
Gloriana: What? How?
Cotton: There simply wasn't the required evidence to convict. I told you I was thorough and that the innocent... Have no cause for alarm. Does that not give you peace?
Gloriana: That is today, but what of the days that follow?
Cotton: We will take them as they come.
Gloriana: We will?
Cotton: I told you... no harm will come to you.
Gloriana: You can't be sure.
Cotton: I can.
Gloriana: Do you ever wonder?
Cotton: What?
Gloriana: If we could leave this place?
If we could forget Salem and its witches? If we could have a different life?
Cotton: I believe I'm doing good.
Gloriana: I know. And your father would be so very proud.
[Bell tolling]
Mary: Isaac has been freed?
John: Yes.
Mary: Good.
John: You should see the militia.
Mary: I'm grateful.
For Isaac.
John: Okay, then.
Mary: John... We were fortunate today, but we might not be so lucky in days to come. If you insist on staying... you must understand I cannot protect you.
George: [Gargles] | |
doc_304 | Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops.
Jim: I think they're going to the conference finals.
Kevin: No.
Jim: Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I bit my lip at lunch today.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough.
Kevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim in pain from his lip]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible.
Jim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Good morning, Meredith.
Pam: What?
Erin: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [talking on phone] You sound tired. Everything ok?
Pam: Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting?
Jim: Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right?
Worker: Jim, limo's here.
Jim: Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting.
Pam: Oh, call me later!
Jim: Ok
Pam: Good luck!
Jim: Thanks!
Pam: Love you.
Jim: Love you too. Bye.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: How you doing?
Darryl: Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so...
Val: It's how it has to be.
Darryl: I know, I know. It's just hard.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.
Val: Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today.
Meredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
Pam: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please?
Meredith: Yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: Hurry up already.
Erin: [checking Meredith's head] Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.
Erin: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice!
Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight: Just lice Pam?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Make way, nope, inspect me.
Erin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.
Dwight: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant]
Pam: Stop that!
Angela: Dwight!
Erin: Next!
Angela: [getting her head checked] Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.
Pam: Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.
Oscar: Pam, really? Come on.
Meredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.
Erin: Lice. More lice. [Angela shrieks in disgust] Angela has lice.
Angela: Ew! Oh.
Erin: [checking Stanley's head] Ooh yabber, lice!
Erin: [checking Pam's head] Yikers, lice.
Pam: No! How? I'm so clean!
Erin: [checking Oscar's head] Oh yeah, big time lice.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: What are you wearing?
Dwight: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?
Nellie: No.
Kevin: No.
Dwight: Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up.
Phyllis: You got dumped?
Darryl: Yeah, she ended things.
Nellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink.
Kevin: Here man. [Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate] You need that more than me.
Darryl: Thanks, man.
Kevin: Yeah [kisses Darryl on the cheek]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her.
Angela: Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame.
Stanley: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day.
Erin: No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back]
Stanley: Get off me!
Erin: I'm trying to save you from yourself!
Stanley: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary?
Limo Driver: Yeah, take some home if you want.
Jim: Oh no, no, no. That's ok. [Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo] Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center?
Limo Driver: No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court.
Jim: You gotta be kidding me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something.
Meredith: [shaving her own head] Yes, Pam what do you want?
Pam: Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!?
Meredith: Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.
Pam: Oh stop! I am so sorry!
Meredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?
Pam: Nothing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!
Erin: No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats...
Dwight: To be burned!
Erin: To be washed.
Angela: What do we do about our heads?
Dwight: I'm not gonna lie. Lye!
Erin: No, all we need is mayonnaise.
Angela: Excuse me?
Pam: She's right, it works. I would imagine.
Erin: Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.
Oscar: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce.
Meredith: [walks in conference room] Shaboom! How do you like me now!?
Angela: Oh.
Oscar: Wow.
Meredith: Take a picture. It will last longer.
Angela: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.
Creed: Bald people make me sick.
Meredith: Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.
Erin: Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.
Pam: Oh! Uh, uh I'll go.
Angela: Okay. Oh, thank you.
Oscar: You're a saint, Pam.
Pam: No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans?
Meredith: Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Pam: Okay.
Dwight: Let's talk pubes, people.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: Hey, Darryl.
Darryl: Oh, hey Val.
Nellie: Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other.
Darryl: Yeah.
Phyllis: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy?
Darryl: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head.
Nellie: Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this.
Kevin: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake.
Phyllis: Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake.
Nellie: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.
Kevin: An Escalade.
Nellie: Or what's her name.
Phyllis: Val.
Nellie: Let's get Darryl Val.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Julius Irving: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk.
Jim: Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this.
Julius: Well, do you think you can sink one from deep?
Jim: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.
Julius: Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow, Halpert's got game.
Jim: Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this?
Julius: It's your wife? You better take it.
Jim: Right! [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything ok?
Pam: Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went.
Jim: It's still happening right now actually, so uh...
Pam: He's really making you work for it, huh?
Jim: Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay?
Pam: Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go.
Jim: Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that.
Julius: No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think?
Jim: I love it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: [handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away.
Dwight: Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors]
Stanley: Put those away before you hurt yourself.
Dwight: [swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!
Erin: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.
Angela: Oscar, do you want to be my partner?
Oscar: Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to..
Creed: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay?
Erin: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete?
Pete: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man.
Pam: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?
Creed: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: [Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head] Angela.
Angela: You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: [putting mayo on Stanley's head] You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [putting mayo on Creed's head] Creed, I'm all done. My turn.
Creed: I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy.
Pam: Well, wait.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pete: [putting mayo on Erin's head] How's that?
Erin: I feel it working. [Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo] Eiffel tower!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: Can I help you?
Phyllis: Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl.
Val: Yeah, that's true.
Phyllis: We think you made a big, big mistake.
Kevin: Big mistake.
Nellie: Quite enormous.
Phyllis: He's a real catch and you should take him back.
Val: Ok, thank you. Is that all?
Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you?
Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?
Kevin: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?
Val: No.
Kevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [phone rings] Hello?
Helene: [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice.
Pam: What, no. That can't...I don't...
Helene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...[Pam hangs up phone]
Angela: Oh my God.
Meredith: Shave her head. Shave her head!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [everyone yelling at Pam]You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that...
Meredith: Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall.
Dwight: [talking through the loud speaker] She's right Pam.
Pam: Is there a volume knob on that thing?
Dwight: Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.
Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry.
Angela: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster.
Pam: I meant to say something earlier. I just...
Meredith: Just? Just what? Just forgot?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Meredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office]
Erin: Dwight, are you okay!?
Dwight: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses]
Erin: Wow. He got to purple.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Oscar: [Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head] Ow!
Angela: Sorry.
Oscar: You're waterboarding me!
Angela: Oops.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: [shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: You're up.
Pete: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go.
Erin: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.
Pete: Okay.
Erin: Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold?
Pete: No, it actually feels kinda nice.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Val: Okay.
Darryl: Huh?
Val: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work.
Darryl: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do.
Val: You're not. I believe in us.
Darryl: But... [Val kisses Darryl]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: I'm back together with Val. Yay...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pete: Hey, did Erin already take off?
Oscar: I guess so.
Pete: Okay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Julius: You're Kareem, coming to help.
Jim: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud.
Julius: And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing]
Jim: And that's all?
Julius: That's it.
Jim: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done.
Julius: Yeah, you show me how.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Jim's phone goes to voicemail] This is Jim Halpert, leave a message.
Pam: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you.
Meredith: Hey, what you doing right now?
Pam: I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day.
Meredith: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer.
Pam: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.
Meredith: No duh. Let's go. You're buying.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry about today.
Meredith: Forget about it.
Pam: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it.
Meredith: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
Pam: Get it, girl!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [Pam and Meredith singing karaoke] This one's for all you ladies out there.
Meredith: [starts singing] I come...
Pam: Not yet.
Both: [singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun. | |
doc_305 | ACT ONE
Scene One - Apartment The doorbell rings. Daphne opens the door to Roz, who is carrying Alice.
Roz: Hey, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?
Roz: We're borrowing Frasier's car.
Daphne: Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.
Roz: Actually, he's being very nice about it. Mine's in the shop, and I'm taking Alice and a few of her friends to an ice cream party.
Frasier: [emerging from hallway] You told me it was your friends, and the Science Center!
Roz: He said, she said, we'll never know what really happened. Frasier, don't be so uptight. I'm not gonna hurt your precious car.
Frasier: I am not uptight, it's just that I've had some unfortunate experiences before loaning out my car.
Daphne: [going to the hall] I left an umbrella in the trunk.
Frasier: It was a wet umbrella!
Roz: Can I have the keys?
Alice whines softly, prompting Frasier to take them out.
Frasier: [sighs] Yes, yes. [drops them in her hand] After all, what are fine possessions for if not to be used and enjoyed? [lugubrious] And who better to enjoy them than the delightful souls of small children?
Roz: I'll put a tarp in the backseat.
Frasier: Oh, bless you.
Roz turns to leave and runs into Niles.
Niles: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?
Roz: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.
Frasier: You said you were getting a tune-up!
Roz: [as the elevator doors close] It needs one, trust me!
Niles: Is, uh, Daphne ready?
Frasier: Uh, actually I think she's in her room. You two have plans?
Niles: Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens. Can you believe she's never been before?
Frasier: Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens last year?
Niles: Can you believe she's never been before?
Daphne comes out with Eddie on a leash.
Niles: Hey, Daphne!
Daphne: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Ready to go to the gardens?
Daphne: Yeah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take Eddie for a walk first.
[kisses him]
Niles: Where's Dad?
Daphne: I don't know, he's been gone all morning.
Niles: Oh well, here, I'll take him for a quick walk.
Daphne: Oh no, he's gonna need more than that, or he'll go stir-crazy. He's gonna need a full hour at the dog park.
Niles: [checks his watch] We don't have time to go the dog park, the-the Tour of Succulents starts promptly at twelve. Uh, hey, Frasier, can you take him?
Frasier: No, I'm sorry, Niles. Roz has my car, you see, and Lana's coming by to pick me up for a tutoring session with Kirby.
Daphne: I'll just get Eddie's toys. [leaves]
Frasier: [on phone] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow, for a complete cleaning of my BMW. June 10th?! But I've got a Clean Team Privileges Card! Yes, of course it's a platinum one! [takes it out and looks] No, no there are no diamonds on the corner. Well, then yes, I'd like to become a member of the Diamond Alliance immediately. Fine, put me on the waiting list. I'll see you in June. [hangs up]
Niles: [needling] You're not in the Diamond Alliance?
Frasier: Don't do that!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Park Niles and Daphne are sitting together on a bench in the park, with Eddie. All around them are dogs playing with their owners.
Niles: So this is it.
Daphne: Mmm-hmm.
Niles: I'd hardly call this a dog park. [looks around] It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?
Daphne: Don't stare, it only encourages them.
Niles: Well, hurry up, Eddie, there's lots of exciting depravity to explore. [Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne: [takes out a short piece of thick rope] He wants to play a little fetch.
Niles: Oh.
Daphne: Well here, you throw it.
Niles: With my bare hands?
Daphne: Oh come on, it's fun.
Niles: [takes it] Ready? Here we go. And, fetch!
He tosses the rope about two feet away. Eddie quickly picks it up and brings it back.
Niles: All right, I didn't give you enough of a challenge. Here, ready, ready? And, ho! [throws it farther] Go get it! [Eddie runs after it] I'm sorry, I was a bit of a grouch. This is actually a fine way to spend the day.
Daphne: Yeah...
Niles: In fact, it's kind of...
He trails off as a huge hound comes back with the end of the rope hanging from his jaws.
Niles: Hello. Do you suppose the rest of Eddie's in there?
Jim, a tall, handsome, athletic man, follows the hound. Eddie follows him.
Jim: Good boy, good boy! Sorry about that, Daphne, but what with the organic vitamin paste I've been feeding Tank here, Eddie can't keep up with him.
Daphne: It's no problem, Jim. Uh, Niles, this is Jim Grady and Tank. This is Niles, my boyfriend.
Niles: [shaking hands] Pleasure.
Jim: Boyfriend? Ah, I should have known. It seems like every time I'm single you're in a relationship, and every time you're single I'm in a relationship.
Daphne: Yeah, that's true.
Jim: I guess we just don't have-
Daphne: Timing!
Jim: -good... [Daphne laughs] And I'm a drummer!
Niles: Which, uh, makes it even more ironic!
Tank starts climbing Niles's leg, to his horror.
Jim: Tank, that's rude! Now, chill. [Tank obeys]
Niles: Wow.
Daphne: Wow, you've really got him trained. That's the problem with Eddie. He only listens when he thinks he's gonna get food.
Niles: Or one of my socks! [laughs, no one else does] But mostly food.
Jim: Well, it's all in the voice tone, really. Any dog can learn to respond to it, even an old wheezer like Eddie. You, uh, want me to show you?
Daphne: I'd love it.
Jim: Come on. [she gets up]
Niles: Yeah, we'd all love it!
He gets up to follow them, but his cell phone rings.
Niles: Oh uh, you guys, uh... [but they're gone] Be right back. [sits and answers] Hello?!
SMASH CUT TO: A close-up of Martin, dressed in a dark suit and talking on a mobile:
Martin: Hi Niles, it's me. I just wanted to make sure Daphne took Eddie for a walk, I completely forgot about it this morning.
Niles: Yeah, yeah, we're in the dog park now. Uh, where are you, anyway?
The camera widens to show Martin seated at a table in a nondescript room. It looks a little like a canteen. In the background are two people in suits, conferring.
Martin: Uh, I'm at the track. Uh, had an itch for it when I woke up, and so just I dropped everything and went. Uh, I'm at the window... [puts the phone to his shoulder] I'll have a trifecta in the eighth. [into phone] All right, gotta run.
Niles: Wait, uh-
Martin hangs up. He looks very pensive.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MR. HAPPY PANTS
Scene Three - House Lana opens the door to the house, and Frasier follows her in.
Frasier: Well, I didn't realize that I was going to be selling houses with you today! Why didn't you just drop me off and then come on your own?
Lana: Stop whining! It'll only take a minute. I hope we don't run into the sad sack who owns this place.
She notices some framed family pictures on the otherwise bare shelves, and quickly removes them to a box on the floor.
Lana: I've been trying to sell this house for over a year! But he keeps driving away every potential buyer.
Frasier: How does he do that?
Phillip, the world's saddest man (judging by his unshaven face and filthy clothes) lumbers in carrying a box.
Phillip: Oh... hi. I heard a woman's voice, I thought it might be my wife coming back to me.
Lana: [as if to a child] No. She lives in Portland now, with her new husband, Lamar, remember? [Phillip nods sadly] Oh, excuse me, Frasier Crane, Phillip Donovan, the current owner.
Frasier: Hello.
Phillip: Hi.
Lana: Well, see you later Phillip!
Not seeming to hear her, Phillip puts the box on the floor and sinks onto the couch.
Phillip: Anyway, my wife just left with the kids. No talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out and threw it to the dogs - which she also took.
Frasier: Well, uh, at least you're... getting out at the top of the market!
Lana: Actually, this is a very good time, Phillip, and I think today is the day!
Phillip: [opening the box] Oh, no!
Lana: Oh, God!
Frasier: What's wrong?
Phillip: The damn basement must have flooded again. Everything in this box is ruined. Little Suzy's cap she wore home from the hospital, ruined; Danny's first soccer uniform, ruined!
Frasier: Well, you know, I have an excellent drycleaner-
Lana: [hissed] No!
Frasier drops his coat onto a chair and sits beside Phillip on the couch.
Frasier: Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet pantaloons. [off their looks] Well, it's a long story. But, uh, he had it out in under a minute!
Lana: Frasier, just give him the address.
Frasier: Yes, yes...
Phillip: [shows him some pictures] I have two sons and two daughters. The perfect American family... until that b*st*rd Lamar showed up to snake our drains. Now all I have left are weekend visits, and a few treasures from their childhood.
He takes out a popsicle stick house and puts it on the coffee table.
Phillip: Like this house little Danny and I made at day camp. Oh, thank goodness, it made it through unscathed. Just a little water damage in the basement. Just like this house...
Frasier: Phillip, you are still their father. I mean, I know things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get easier.
Phillip: Oh, it's already easier. I mean, look at me, I'm dressed.
Lana: Phillip, you know what would really cheer you up, is to make a killing on this house! Now, don't you think you should get back to work?
Phillip: I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself. [gets up]
Lana: OK, here we go. [he heads toward the front] No, not the front door! Let's go out the side door. [steers him] It's good to see you again, Phillip, I'll call you when we sell the place, bye!
She shoves him out.
Frasier: Good lord, that man is obviously in pain, the least you could be is a little sympathetic!
Lana: I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him over for Thanksgiving! He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I consider that one of our good days!
Frasier: Well, so where are these so-called buyers of yours? You told me they'd be here in a few minutes.
Lana: Well, they're obviously running late, OK? It'll give us time to go over the plan.
Frasier: What, what, there's a plan?
Lana: Well, sure. When the Smolenskis get here, you act like you want the house. You know, a little competition, put a little pressure on the deal.
Frasier: You're asking me to be your shill?
Lana: [slaps her forehead in mock surprise] That's the word! Yes, yes! Now listen, you don't have to say anything!
Frasier: I'm sorry, no!
Lana: Well, why not?! Well, look, OK, all you have to do is walk around with an interested look on your face. You know, they'll fill in the rest!
Frasier: I will do no such thing!
Lana: Why won't you help me?!
Frasier: Because I refuse to lie for you!
Lana: Oh fine, then go wait in the car!
Frasier: I never wanted to leave the car!
Lana: Oh, just get out!
She grabs his coat and flings it at him, hitting the stick house and shattering it into a hundred pieces. They are both horrified.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Four - House Lana is picking up the pieces. Frasier comes in the door with a grocery bag.
Frasier: All right, I got some cream-sicles, and fudge-sicles, and something they call, uh, "Bomb Pops!"
Lana: I called the Smolenskis, I bought us a little extra time.
Frasier: Right, good, good. All right, let's spread out some paper and then build us a house!
Lana: So Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do you justify faking this thing?
Frasier: Well... we're simply protecting the feelings of an innocent man. Nothing dishonest about that.
Lana: Uh-huh. [holds up a piece] So, uh, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I?
Frasier: [It's a dirty job, but] I'll do it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Five - Park Daphne watches, delighted, as Tank obeys Jim's every command.
Jim: Sit. Wave, wave. All right, hide your eyes, hide your eyes. Hide 'em...
Niles and Eddie are sitting on the bench watching them. In his loneliness, Niles has begun to pet Eddie.
Niles: Hey Eddie, don't worry about that other dog. He may be bigger and flashier and better-looking, but...you have substance. She knows that.
Daphne: [coming back] How amazing is Jim? He's so connected to animals, it's almost magical.
Niles: Daphne, I've been musing about you and me, and I have a thought.
Daphne: Yeah?
Niles: In every healthy relationship, I may ask for an occasional - very occasional - irrational demand.
Daphne: What do you mean?
Niles: Uh, a thing we insist the other do or not do, and the other one has to do it or not do it, without question.
Daphne: Is that fair?
Niles: It is. Because we each get one, and only one, for our whole relationship.
Daphne: Well, if it's important to you.
Niles: Then it's agreed?
Daphne: Agreed.
Niles: Good... oh, I've got mine!
Daphne: Already?
Niles: Yes. Uh, I want you to promise never to come to this dog park again.
Daphne: What?
Niles: I know it sounds extreme, even unreasonable - but that's the beauty of the irrational demand.
Daphne: Is this about Jim?
Niles: The, uh, demand cannot be scrutinized. It is, by definition, irrational.
Daphne: And are you sure this is how you want to use your only one?
Niles: Absolutely. I've thought this through, a lot. Irrationally, of course.
Daphne: OK, if you're sure. I promise never to come to this dog park again.
Niles: Thank you. I knew you'd understand. [kisses her]
Jim and Tank come over.
Jim: All right, we're going home. Tank needs to re-hydrate, and, oof, I'm late for a deltoid workout.
Daphne: Well, I guess this is goodbye, Jim.
Jim: Yep, by this time next week I'll be leading my first raft tour in Chile.
Niles: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Niles: Wow, when do you get back?
Daphne: Oh, he's not coming back. He's moving there. [to Jim] Good luck, Jim.
Jim: Yes, you too. [hugs her; to Niles] And, uh, stay cool, buddy.
Niles: Oh, you know it.
Jim and Tank leaves.
Daphne: [sighs] I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand... oh, what's my rush? I've got years to think it over.
Niles looks very nervous.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - Waiting Room Martin is still seated in the waiting room. Joanne, a woman in her early 50's, comes in and sees him. They seem comfortable with each other, but nervous about something else.
Joanne: Hi, Martin.
Martin: Hello, Joanne.
Joanne: How have you been?
Martin: Pretty good. Oh please, have a seat.
Joanne: Thanks. [sits] I was worried I was going to be late with all that construction going on.
Martin: Yeah, I know, it's a mess.
Joanne: How's your hip?
Martin: Ah, you learn to live with it.
Joanne: I think about you a lot, you know. I've wanted to call, but... I don't know.
Martin: I understand, it's OK.
Joanne: So... another year has gone by.
Martin: Yeah. Time really flies.
Joanne: I guess it goes a little slower for me.
Silence.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Seven - House Frasier and Lana are eating popsicles and finishing their new house, which is now only lacking a roof.
Frasier: How's our roof coming?
Lana: Almost done.
Frasier: Good. [looks at her] You know, there was a time back in high school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a popsicle.
She just looks at him with the popsicle in her mouth... and bites off the end, making him flinch.
Frasier: It was a long time ago.
Lana: I think it's kind of funny that we became friends.
Frasier: We're friends?
Lana: Well, sure we are. Why wouldn't you think so?
The end of Frasier's popsicle falls off and dribbles down his shirt.
Frasier: Oh, dear...
Lana: Nice going, dipstick! [takes a tissue and wipes his shirt]
Frasier: It's a brand-new shirt.
Engine noises outside.
Lana: I hear a car. It's the Smolenskis. [gets up] OK, keep working.
Frasier: Right.
Lana: I gotta go up to Phil's room and spray some air freshener around. His room reeks of... I don't know, despair!
She leaves the room. Frasier, before resuming work, takes the scissors and cuts a hole in the middle of a large piece of wall-paper on the floor, and puts it over his head as a smock, all the while holding the popsicle in his mouth.
As he resumes, the elderly Smolenskis come in.
Mrs. Smolenski: It's even nicer than I remember!
They see him - a grown man wearing a huge paper smock, glueing sticks together and sucking on a popsicle.
Mrs. Smolenski: Well, hello there! Are you having fun making your little house?
Frasier, mouth engaged, is unable to reply. Lana comes in.
Lana: Oh, there you are! Hi - oh, I see you've met Frasier. I am so glad you came today, because the interest on this place is really heating up!
Mr. Smolenski: Well, we're certainly interested as well, but we've- we've heard that a lot of homes in this area have a flooding problem. Now, what do you know about the basement here?
Lana: Honestly?
Mr. Smolenski: Yes.
Lana: This house is sixty years old, and I have only heard of it flooding once.
Mr. Smolenski: Oh!
Frasier clears his throat loudly.
Lana: And I could tell you for a fact that the permanent owner stores some of his most cherished keepsakes in that basement.
Frasier makes a hacking cough.
Mrs. Smolenski: Are you choking on your lolly?
Frasier: [takes out popsicle] No. I am choking on something far more dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat. It's a prolific and powerful poison
known as: deception!
Mrs. Smolenski: He's very verbal!
Even from within his smock, Frasier manages to look righteous and accusing.
Lana: Oh, you know, I just remembered! Gosh, you know, the owner did mention something about a recent little moisture problem downstairs. Tell you what, why don't I give him a call and see if he'll come down just a tiny bit in the price?
Mrs. Smolenski: Oh, that'd be wonderful!
Mr. Smolenski: If he could give us a break in the price, I'm sure we'll make an offer.
Lana: Oh, great! I'll call you tonight.
Mrs. Smolenski: Thank you.
Mr. Smolenski: [to Frasier] Bye, sonny.
Lana: [as they leave] Call you tonight!
She closes the door. Frasier has placed the roof on the house.
Frasier: There now, you see? You did the right thing. That wasn't so bad, was it?
Lana: I guess not. Oh, look at our little house, it looks great!
They start cleaning up, putting their supplies in the grocery bag.
Frasier: Say, you know, we got a few extra popsicle sticks left, why don't we add on a half a bath?
Lana laughs. Frasier heads for the side door, then stops and turns back.
Frasier: You know, Lana, I think the house should go the other way around - with the door facing the couch. [off her look] Feng Shui!
Lana: Fine, fine, fine, fine.
He leaves the room. Lana lifts the house - and the coffee table comes with it. She tries again, without luck. She braces the table with her legs, and tugs. Nothing.
Making a rapid decision, she lifts the coffee table and turns it around so the door is now facing the couch. Frasier comes back.
Frasier: Ah, perfect.
Lana: Perfect.
Frasier: Now you see, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? It's like breathing a breath of fresh air, and-
Lana: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go!
Frasier: Oh, all right.
They go out the door.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MOMMIE DEAREST
Scene Eight - Apartment Roz steps off the elevator carrying Alice. She kneels down and stands Alice opposite her.
Roz: OK, Alice, before we see Uncle Frasier, let's remember together what really happened.
ALICE'S P.O.V. - Her mother looking straight at her.
Roz: Now, did you throw up in Uncle Frasier's car? Alice shakes her head from side to side.
Roz: No-you-didn't. That smell was there before, wasn't it? Nods up and down.
Roz: That's-my-girl. [holds out a pack of M&M;'s] There you go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Nine - Hearing Room David Hicks, a man in his 20's, is sitting in a chair, wearing a denim prison uniform.
In front of him are the three members of a Parole Board. Behind him, the room is empty except for Martin, Joanne, and a guard.
David: And besides the library assignment, I've been taking a computer class on Wednesdays. I hope to get a job with computers... when I get out.
1st BM: Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime?
David: Well... I regret it, everyday. I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the consequences. And I'm very sorry.
2nd BM: The victim is here. Mr. Crane? [Martin stands up] Would you like to make a statement?
Martin looks at Joanne, then shakes his head.
Martin: I have nothing to say. [sits back down]
3rd BM: Would you give us a moment?
The Board confers with each other in whispers.
3rd BM: Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery � and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as required by state law. Parole is denied.
As the Parole Board gets up and leaves the room, the guard comes forward to take David back to his cell. Joanne begins to cry, softly. Martin rises, considering whether or not to say anything to her - and then decides to leave quietly.
END OF ACT TWO
[SCENE_BREAK]
Park: Daphne throws the piece of rope again, but Eddie doesn't move. Niles gets up and comes back with it. She takes the rope and playfully tousles his hair as if petting a dog. Playing along, he wags his leg like a tail. | |
doc_306 | [Brian and Justin are in bed, kissing. Justin is straddling Brian. Looks like our s*x drought is about to end. Ummmm... not so fast. As they continue to kiss, Brian has a sudden flashback to the surgery.]
Woman: Relax and count backwards from ten, Mr. Kinney.
[Brian tries to get down to the business at hand. He rolls Justin over and tears open a condom, which evokes an image of the incision. Obviously, this is not an actual memory; it's Brian's imagination, reminding him of what's no longer there. He looks down, checks the equipment, which seems to be malfunctioning. The moans of pleasure are gone; on his face is a look of intense concentration, not to mention stress and aggravation. But he's not ready to concede defeat. He applies lube. At the moment he tries to push inside Justin, he visualizes the diseased ball being sucked out of his body. Brian gives up. He slides off Justin and sits on the edge of the bed.]
Brian: Don't say anything.
Justin: Look, I'm sure it's just a temporary malfunction. It takes time for your body to heal itself and for you to regain your strength. Be patient. (Rubbing Brian's shoulder). Everything'll be up and running again in no time.
Brian: Thanks for not saying anything.
[At the Novotny-Bruckner household, life proceeds as usual. Intent on spending Mikey's newfound riches before they're earned, Hunter nags for a new wardrobe.]
Hunter: I wanna get those cool Pumas and a pair of Diesel jeans, maybe two.
Michael: Hey, whaddaya think I am, made of money?
Hunter: Like yeah! You're having a movie made.
Michael: We hope. And I didn't work my ass off so I can put expensive jeans on yours!
Hunter: Ben. I wanna get a couple pairs of Diesel jeans.
Ben: Pull up your pants. I can see your shorts!
Hunter: That's the f*ckin' point!
Michael: We're taking Hunter to buy some new clothes.
Hunter: And have pizza and go to a movie.
Michael: Not a Brett Keller movie. So - tomorrow night? The mall? The three of us?
Ben: Sure, fine. (His cell rings) Must be Mark. He has the flu; he asked me to cover his class. (Talks into the phone) Hello? Hey! Uh-huh. Sure. Uh, breakfast, lunch, whatever. Yeah, see you then.
Michael: For somebody who's laid up with the flu, he has a pretty healthy appetite.
Ben: Oh yeah, that wasn't Mark, that was Anthony from the library. Remember I told you about him?
Michael: Yeah, how could I forget? He only calls you every hour!
Ben: That's not true.
Hunter: Maybe he has a crush on you!
Ben: That's not true, either. He's just a nice kid who wants to be a writer. We get together and discuss books. That's ALL. So - tomorrow night, pizza, movie and Diesel jeans.
Hunter: Tight!
B: (eyeing Hunter's ghetto-fabulous baggy jeans) Yeah. Loose.
[Emmett and Drew making the beast with two backs in a motel room.]
Emmett: Touchdown!
[He rolls off Emmett and goes into the bathroom to towel off.]
Emmett: My, how the boy can score!
Drew: I got a good kicker.
Emmett: I'll say.
Drew: That's a quarterback's secret weapon.
Emmett: Speaking of secrets, does your fiancee know?
Drew: Know what?
Emmett: That you're -
Drew: That I'm - ?
Emmett: Do I really have to say it? That you're - the "H" word.
Drew: Hard-bodied? Hot? Hung? Yeah, she knows all that.
Emmett: I meant homosexual? Gay? Queer?
Drew: I'm not a fag!
Emmett: Did I use that word?
Drew: A fag's a sissy, a girl, a pansy. You think I'm that?
Emmett: Hardly!
Drew: A fag can't even throw a ball. You know how far I can throw?
Emmett: I reckon a country mile.
Drew: I'm a hero to millions. Name one fag who's a hero. Name one fag who gets a call from the President saying, "Great game!" Name one fag that's f*cked every Dallas cheerleader - and I don't even play for Dallas. Name one fag who every kid wants to grow up to be.
Emmett: Harvey Fierstein?
Drew: (laughs) So why would anyone think I was a fag?
Emmett: Maybe cause you had your dick up my ass?
Drew: So I like to f*ck guys. It doesn't mean that I love them, or want to kiss them or even know them. It's just for fun, to get off. No one's to ever hear about this. Understand?
Emmett: Who'd believe me if I told them?
[At the gallery, Auerbach is being interviewed by a perky girl reporter about his show which is opening tomorrow. Girl reporter is flirting with Sam. He flirts back. Lindsay looks on, plainly jealous.]
Reporter: Tomorrow your exhibition opens here. Tell me, Mr.Auerbach, why did you use Pittsburgh?
Sam: Well, I didn't know a goddamn reason to come here, either will be.
Reporter: I think that's all we need. This was great. Thank you.
Sam: [kisses her hand] Anytime, honey.
Sam: How was I?
Lindsay: OK, I guess. I wasn't really listening. I was working.
Sam: Glad I didn't distract you.
Lindsay: Not hard.
Sam: You know, I have a strange feeling that I'm being ignored. Strange because I mean, let's face it, I'm not used to being ignored. In fact, I think the last time it happened I was 14, Susan Schroeder was her name. She ditched me at a Tastee-Freez for a guy with a triple scoop. Broke my heart.
Lindsay: Well, you needn't worry. I haven't been to a Tastee-Freez in years. So why don't you go over and flirt with that nice girl reporter and leave me to my work?
[Brian is back in the saddle again - at Kinnetik, at least.]
Brian: (phone rings) Harvey! When have I ever let you down? Name one time! OK, name a second. Hold on. Mr. DeCarlo, sorry to keep you. Right on schedule. Looks great. When? Hold on. (Talks into intercom) Tell Jacob that if the art for Dandy Lube isn't on my desk by 9 a.m. Friday, he'll be teaching remedial finger-painting to kindergartners. (Back to phone) Mr. DeCarlo? How does 10 a.m. Friday sound? (Back to Harvey) Harvey, did you think of a second? See, I told you! Stop worrying, I'll get you the back cover!
[Ted walks in just as Brian is hanging up.]
Ted: Jeez, with an act like that you should be in Vegas, making tigers vanish into thin air!
Brian: Throw me a bone, I'm trying to juggle 15 balls at once!
[Ted throws Brian a look.]
Brian: No remarks. That's a nice suit!
Ted: Worked wonders on Son of Dandy Lube.
Brian: You know, I like your new-found self-confidence, Theodore. Far preferable to your former lack thereof.
Ted: So what's my next assignment, Jim?
Cynthia: Congrats! Brown Athletics is committing a cool mil to snag a model for their new underwear line.
Ted: Well, as luck would have it, I'm available!
Cynthia: Unfortunately, they're looking for someone with a higher profile.
Brian: Not to mention a bigger basket!
Cynthia: They want a famous sports figure.
Ted: I happen to be Pittsburgh's 1986 junior class ping-pong champion! (A beat) Well, runner up.
Brian: So at what hour of the day or night am I supposed to conduct this star search?
Ted: I'll do it for you, Bri!
Brian: You?
Ted: Yeah! I landed Dandy Lube, didn't I? Look, I'll talk to some agents, a few managers, see who's interested and put together a short list. Final draft choice, of course is yours!
Brian: That sounds perfect, except for one itty-bitty detail. You don't know a f*cking thing about sports.
Ted: But I know about s*x, what looks good in a pair of shorts. After all, I am a gay man and s*x is our national pastime.
[Justin and Michael.]
Michael: These drawings of Rage and JT are hot. Why can't we ever see Zephyr in a fuck-fest with some great-looking guy?
Justin: Because nobody buys our comics to see Zephyr get laid.
Michael: That is so not true! Just because you don't want to see it -
Justin: It's not that I don't want to see it. It's that I can't imagine it!
Michael: Well, I can. When he and his hunky boyfriend, the world-famous paleontologist, Professor Ken Kirschner, get it on, they really rattle the old dinosaur bones! Except ever since the scientific community rejected the Professor's latest research findings, they haven't felt much like doing it.
Justin: I know what that's like. JT hasn't gotten a rise out of Rage since Ice Tina zapped him with her radiation gun.
Michael: You mean -
Justin: Not since the operation.
Michael: I thought the doctor said that -
Justin: Nothing would be affected? Something sure as hell isn't working.
Michael: Maybe he just needs some Viagra.
Justin: You try telling him that!
Michael: Okay! So how about we take a little trip to Chinatown?
Justin: I already ate.
Michael: I meant to see Master Ni.
Justin: Who's he?
Michael: He's this herbalist Ben sees. He says he's a miracle worker. He gave him this stuff that actually helped lower his viral load.
Justin: C'mon, you don't actually believe that!
Michael: Chinese medicine has been working for thousands of years, who am I to doubt it? Besides, if he can help lower Ben's count, maybe he'll be able to raise -
Justin: The Titanic?
[Ben and Anthony are strolling along what passes for the Carnegie Mellon campus.]
Ben: Give them an assignment to critique one of Tennessee Williams' plays and what do they do? They rip them to shreds like a pack of jackals!
Anthony: Oh, you know how some queers are. They're not content to criticize. They have to seek and destroy.
Ben: All I know is, it's a lot harder to create something than it is to tear it apart.
Anthony: Like your book! That must have been like giving birth.
Ben: Most people have no idea.
Anthony: I do. Every sentence I write - or try to - is agony. I don't know why I do it.
Ben: Probably for the same reason I do. You have no choice. If you ever want me to read anything, a story, chapter, sentence, just ask. I promise to be gentle.
Anthony: I'm sure you would be. So what do you think about Edmund White?
Ben: His essays and articles on being positive influenced me tremendously. But I particularly love his autobiographical fiction. In fact, "A Boy's Own Story" influenced me to write "Are You One"
Anthony: Then how about coming with me to his lecture tomorrow night? I've got an extra ticket.
Ben: I would love to, but I already made plans with my partner and our foster son.
Anthony: That takes priority. But in case something changes, I'll save you the seat.
Ben: OK.
[Lesbian s*x. Mel blowing Lindsay. But she look bored]
Lindsay: Honey, that feels wonderful. But do you mind if...
Mel: What?
[Lindsay take a dildo from the table.]
Lindsay: If we used this?
Mel: We're haven't used this since many years.
Lindsay: It's just I don't feel in the mood for this. But if you don't want to...
Mel: No, no, it's what you want. Just give it a try.
[Mel turns on the dildo.]
[Deb's done with her shift for the night. She brushes right past Brian, who's at the register, paying for his take-out order.]
Waitress: Here you go.
Brian: Thanks.
Waitress: Take it easy, Deb'!
Debbie: Yeah, you too, Betty honey. See yo.
[Brian follows her outside, he catches up.]
Brian: In case you didn't notice, I was in the diner.
Debbie: I noticed.
Brian: Walk you home?
Debbie: No, that's OK.
Brian: It's late.
Debbie: I've been doin' it on my own for 20 years. I can take care of myself.
Brian: And you've got a right hook to prove it.
[He rubs his jaw. Deb's attitude softens, but only slightly.]
Debbie: You're working late?
Brian: Just gotta get the job done.
Debbie: Used to be the only reason you'd stay up was because it was still up.
Brian: A lot of things used to be.
Debbie: You're telling me.
Brian: I shouldn't have said what I did. About Vic.
Debbie: You're damn straight you shouldn't have! Not that you were wrong. He was lucky he got those extra years. But it's the way you said it, just tossing it off like it didn't mean a thing! Like his whole f*cking life didn't mean a thing!
Brian: I can see your point.
Debbie: Yeah? So why didn't you see it then?
Brian: Maybe because I didn't know I had cancer then.
Debbie: What?
Brian: You gonna make me say it twice?
Debbie: I just wanted to be sure that I heard -
Brian: You heard it.
Debbie: sh1t! Are you - ?
Brian: All right? They think. But - who the hell knows?
Debbie: Well then, what the f*ck you doing out at two in the morning? You should be home, getting your rest, honey!
Brian: I can't sleep, keep having these dreams.
Debbie: Well, force yourself. And make sure you eat. You hear me? You gotta keep your strength up.
Brian: Yes, mother.
[She buttons his coat. Even superheroes need a little nurturing sometimes.]
Debbie: Does she know?
Brian: (shakes head). So far, just Michael and Justin. And - Theodore.
Debbie: And nobody told me?
Brian: I'm telling you.
Debbie: How come?
Brian: So that you'll forgive me and take pity on me.
Debbie: Son-of-a-bitch. (She stands on tiptoe and hugs him.)You gonna be OK, you hear me?]
[Lindz is making a shopping list.]
Lindsay: I'm making a list for the grocery. Butter, pie, old milk. Can you think of anything else?
Mel: Batteries.
Lindsay Huh?
Mel: After last night we need more of them. You were hot, honey.
Lindsay: Fruit, apples, bananas?
Mel: By the way, I talked to Dusty and she said that we can drop Gus off around 4:00, which gives us plenty of time to get ready and go to the opening. Do you want to go together or do you have to get there early?
Lindsay: Oh, I don't need to be there at all.
Mel: Oh, so you can be a guest, just like anyone else.
Lindsay: I mean I've decided not to go.
Mel: What are you talking about? It's your show, you put the whole thing together.
Lindsay: I know.
Mel: So wouldn't you want to -
Lindsay: I've spent enough time on it, okay? It's time I started being more attentive to you, to our family. Michael even had to go to Lamaze for me.
Mel: Hey, hey, hey. When I start feeling like I'm not getting enough attention, I'll let you know. Now, I want you to go and get some of the attention you deserve.
Lindsay: Well, maybe I'll stop by when it's over. See how it went. [They kiss.] Now, I'm up for the grocery.
[Liberty Diner. Emmett is surprised to find Ted poring over sports magazines in the diner.]
Emmett: Since when did Ted Schmidt, reigning opera queen of Pittsburgh, trade in Puccini for pigskin?
Ted: Since I told Brian I'd help him find a famous sports figure to model Brown Athletics' new underwear line.
Emmett: Mmmm...sounds hot! So which hunky jock did you select to drop trou and smile for the birdie?
Ted: I don't know who any of these guys are.
Emmett: Perhaps I can help you out.
Ted: You? Look, at least I know the difference between a football, a baseball and a basketball.
Emmett: Balls are balls. What about him?
Ted: Who?
Emmett: Drew Boyd. Star quarterback for the Ironmen. 62% pass completions, threw two touchdown passes last game and ran for two? Led all quarterbacks in the league in rushing yards. I mean, if he keeps playing the way he's been, he's a cinch to lead his team to a conference championship, then to the Superbowl. [Ted just stares at him.] What?
Ted: How do you know all that?
Emmett: Life's full of surprises. He's also gorgeous. Look at that smile! And those broad shoulders, those burly, burly arms. And that rock-hard butt.
Ted: Alright, alright. You're drooling all over the magazine! He is hot. Too bad he's straight.
Emmett: A girl can always dream!
[And now we have Justin and Mikey's Excellent Adventure in Chinatown. At the herbalist's store, Michael approaches the old man behind the counter.]
Michael: Excuse me, we're looking for something to improve performance.
Man: You a singer? Dancer? Comedian!
Michael: No, not that kind of performance. (Whispers) Sexual performance.
Man: Eh?
Justin: Sexual performance!
Man: (Loudly) Sek-shul. Sek-shul? Sek-shul! (He calls over to woman)
Woman: Sek-shal! (they confer in Chinese)
Man: You not get hard. Come too fast?
Michael: No, it's not for me, it's for my friend.
Woman: Oh, that's what they all say, huh? Low chi. Exhausted chen meridian.
Man: You have the crown of fire in your gate of life. But no worry. We make you hard. Like rock!
Michael: I told you - it's for someone else!
Justin: It's for my boyfriend. He had to have a testicle removed and they gave him radiation.
Woman: Oh, cancer. Edema.
Man: Western medicine. Kill you before it cure you. Too much water. Drown out his fire.
[They mix together a strange herbal concoction.]
Man: Make a tea. Very good s*x!
Michael: (to Justin) See? I told you!
[The couple confer in Cantonese. We see the dialogue in subtitles.]
Man: Which one you think is the top?
Woman: They both look like major bottoms to me!
[Michael and Justin stand there smiling like a pair of idiots, unaware that they're being the topic of discussion.]
[Meanwhile, Brian has taken matters into his own hands (so to speak). He's in the steam room of the gym, with a towel covering the strategic places. A potential trick is aggressively cruising him, but Brian doesn't look too interested. This is not a blase act; he's really not into it, but he allows the guy to start fondling him. He's not here for pleasure; he's here for medicinal purposes! Brian keeps looking down, checking the equipment to see if it's working. No luck. Brian pulls away and leaves, a look of pained disgust on his face.]
[Drew and Emmett, they have no such problems. In yet another hotel room, Emmett and Drew have yet another post-coital chat.]
Drew: It's your turn.
Emmett: I'm in not hurry. Have I ever tell you how hot you look in your undies?
Drew: You and every women.
Emmett: How many man? It's a shame the rest of the world can't see.
Drew: See what?
Emmett: How gorgeous you are!
Drew: I know.
Emmett: I'm serious. You should display your manly charms.
Drew: Flash my cock in Playgirl?
Emmett: I was thinking more like - mmm, underwear ads?
Drew: (laughs) You're kidding.
Emmett: I have this friend who works for an ad agency? He says Brown Athletics is looking for a famous sports figure to be their new underwear model. And you are quite the figure.
Drew: I'm not posing in my shorts. Everyone will think I'm a homo.
Emmett: What everyone will think is, 'I wish I had a body like that and that someone would pay all that money to show it off!' C'mon, pose for me.
Drew: Here?
Emmett: Why not? I'll snap your picture. C'mon, show me what you got. Yeah, make love for the camera. That's the way make me suck your dick.
[Michael is getting a crash course in parenting annoying teenagers.]
Michael: Will you stop nagging me already? I'm not gonna pay $150 for a pair of jeans?
Hunter: Diesel is quality, man!
Michael: They're ripped full of holes! They're gonna be rags after two washings!
Hunter:Please, Dad? I mean, dude?
[The conversation is interrupted by Ben's arrival home.]
Michael: There you are! Hurry up and put down your books. We've gotta go to the mall.
Ben: If it's OK with you, I think I'll pass.
Michael: No, it's not OK. We had this planned.
Hunter: Trashy movie, greasy pizza, overpriced clothes! What more could a man ask for?
Ben: I got invited to a lecture. Edmund White.
Hunter: Who?
Ben: One of our greatest gay writers.
Michael: Who invited you?
Ben: Anthony.
Michael: Anthony.
Ben: Look, this is important to me.
Michael: And this is important to Hunter!
Ben: It doesn't take two of us to buy him a pair of jeans.
Michael: That's not the point!
Hunter: Hey, hey! It's just the mall! In fact, how about you both not go and give me your credit card?
Michael: Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion, but I'm still going. (To Ben) I'm sorry you're not.
[Lindsay arrives at the gallery after the show is over]
Lindsay: I'm sorry Sidney, I'm late. But I couldn't be helped. Mel had to work late, my hands are full.
Sidney: So were mine. Excepting cheques, VISA or Mastercard.
Lindsay: Then it was a success?
Sidney: Awesome! It's too bad you've missed it.
Lindsay: Why you're goin' home? I'll close up.
Sidney: Don't forget to turn on the alarm.
[Sidney goes and she turns out the lights. One, two - she bumps into Sam.]
Lindsay: Oh my God! You scared me to death.
Sam: Good thing I came back from the can. You would've locked me in.
Lindsay: What are you doing here?
Sam: Well, I had an opening tonight, in case you forgot.
Lindsay: I didn't forget.
Sam: Well then, where the hell were you?
Lindsay: I had things to attend to!
Sam: Don't give me that sh1t! This is the most important night of your life!
Lindsay: Don't flatter yourself.
Sam: Your Aunt Minnie could have died and you wouldn't have missed it.
Lindsay: I don't have an Aunt Minnie.
Sam: Yeah? Well, I do. And believe me, if you knew her, that's all the more reason you would have been here. So why weren't you?
Lindsay: I already told you. Let me lock up so I can go home.
Sam: What's your rush? You just got here.
[He starts taking off her coat.]
Lindsay: What are you doing?
Sam: Responding to my senses. That's what an artist does.
Lindsay: Well, tell your senses to respond to this: Back off.
Sam: You sure?
Lindsay: Yes, I'm sure.
Sam: Well, I'm not. As a matter of fact, I think you've got a lot of contradictory feelings going on here.
Lindsay: Oh, is that so?
Sam: Yeah. From the minute I met you, you wanted me to f*ck you.
Lindsay: Why, you smug, arrogant - I want you to leave. Now!
Sam: Sure. But you ain't fooling me, lady. And more important, you ain't fooling yourself, either.
Lindsay: Don't you dare tell me how I feel! You have no idea how I feel! And it isn't true what you said!
Sam: Liar, liar!
Lindsay: I have no feelings for you. I mean, how could I? I'm a lesbian.
[He grabs her and kisses her.]
Sam: That's how!
[She grabs him. They f*ck upside a painting.]
[Back at Anthony's apartment after the lecture, he and his little adjunct are sharing a bottle of wine.]
Anthony: He was amazing! And to think I never would have heard of him if it hadn't been for your class.
Ben: Oh, I'm sure you would have discovered his work eventually.
Anthony: I thought the part where he talked about how being positive changed his life was particularly powerful, didn't you?
[He tries to pour Ben more wine - Ben puts a hand up.]
Ben: Oh, I'd better not.
Anthony: Oh, c'mon. You've gotta help me finish the bottle.
Ben: You know what? It constantly impresses and amazes me how we're confronted with the worst of circumstances we as gay men somehow manage to rise to the challenge.
Anthony: Like Edmund White. Like you.
[Now Anthony makes his move. He leans over and starts macking on Ben, who doesn't seem to hate it, but all in all, he'd probably rather be at the mall buying overpriced pants and eating greasy food.]
Ben: Anthony. If this is where all this has been leading, you've made a mistake.
Anthony: I don't think so.
Ben: I have a partner. We have a foster kid.
Anthony: I know. And I'm not asking for anything I can't have. All I want is this. From the moment I saw you, I've fantasized about you, admired you, wanted to be like you. That's why I want you to give me the gift.
Ben: What?
Anthony: I want you to be the one.
Ben: Anthony -
Anthony: Make me positive! Like you! It's gonna happen anyway. It's just a matter of time before it does.
Ben: Not if you're safe.
Anthony: Why be safe? All my friends who've converted say they feel liberated. Free. They don't have to worry about it anymore. It's over, done. And I want to be like them. Like you.
[He makes a move on Ben who gets up off the sofa.]
Ben: It's late, I have to get home.
[He gets his jacket and leaves.]
[Meanwhile, back at the loft, Justin brews Love Potion #9 for Brian.]
Justin: Here. Drink this.
Brian: Smells like yak sh1t.
Justin: Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that was in it, too. It's a magic potion from a Chinese herbalist.
Brian: Will it make me small?
Justin: I'm hoping that it will make you large. Very, very large.
[Brian drinks it down like a good boy.]
Brian: That is disgusting.
Justin: Who cares, long as it works.
[They kiss.]
Justin: Do you feel anything?
Brian: If you're expecting my glasses to steam up, I hate to disappoint you.
Justin: It's supposed to rekindle the fire in your life gate.
Brian: My life gate.
Justin: I know it sounds ludicrous, but if it works, who gives a sh1t?
Brian: Yeah, well, maybe it can stop me thinking about what's no longer there. And that in its place is this piece of plastic. Or from picturing them from sucking a bloody, disease-ridden ball out of me. Or from feeling so shitty from having them burn me to a crisp from their raygun that all I want to do is dig a hole and crawl in - only I'm too busy vomiting. Who knows? Maybe then I might even be able to get it up.
Justin: (comes up behind Brian and rubs his shoulders) There's gotta be something.
Brian: Well, whatever it is, it's not a cup of Lipton's.
[Lindsay, the Scarlet Woman, tiptoes stealthily into the bedroom, where Mel. Unsuspecting Melanie wakes up when Lindz creeps into bed.]
Mel: You're all wet. How was the opening?
Lindsay: It practically sold out.
Mel: That's great. Congratulations.
Lindsay: Thanks.
Mel: Now aren't you glad I made you go?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Debbie is in church, talking to God.]
Debbie: As you know, I don't come here a lot. I figure you've got enough on your hands without hearing from me. But this is important. It's about my brother Vic - Vic Grassi? He's gay which seems to bother some of the people you got working for you. But I say - considering what's been going on in your Church lately, they've got some helluva nerve judging others. I'm sure You have more love in Your heart than they do and that there's a special place in Heaven just for Vic. But keep an eye on him? Just in case. One more thing. Brian Kinney. No doubt You've heard of him. He wouldn't like me telling You this but - the biggest organ he's got is his heart. So please, God. Make him well. Please. I guess that's about it. Thanks for listening. Amen.
[She stuffs some money in the box and starts to leave. On the way out, she runs into a familiar face: Joan Kinney, coming in for her daily dose of hellfire and brimstone.]
Debbie: Joan? It's Debbie. Debbie Novotny?
Joan: Hello, Debbie. I'm surprised to see you here.
Debbie: As I was just saying, I don't stop by too often, but when the going gets tough, I still haul my ass back here like a good little Catholic girl.
Joan: Well, that's the blessing of suffering. It brings us closer to God.
Debbie: Well, that's one way of looking at it. Another way is to say to Him, "Could you cut it out already?"
Joan: I heard about your brother's passing. Please accept my condolences.
Debbie: Thank you.
Joan: I remember when I lost my sister. I felt like I had lost my best friend, my confidante, my witness.
Debbie: That about sums it up.
Joan: Well, at least we have our children. That's some comfort. Provided they're talking to us. Well. God bless.
Debbie: Joan - when's the last time you spoke to Brian?
Joan: It's been awhile.
Debbie: Well - you might want to give him a call.
Joan: I doubt he has anything to say to me.
Debbie: Well, there might be something you want to say to him.
[Ted and Emmett. They're at Ted's place. Ted checks a message on his cellphone.]
Ted: I got him!
Emmett: Got who?
Ted: Drew Boyd has agreed to be the new underwear model for Brown Athletics.
Emmett: That's wonderful, Teddy!
Ted: It's beyond wonderful. It's incredible, it's astonishing, it's - unbelievable!
Emmett: It's not that unbelievable. After all, they are paying him $1 million.
Ted: How do you know that?
Emmett: Well, they are, aren't they?
Ted: Yeah, but -
Emmett: So why are you so amazed?
Ted: Never mind.
Emmett: You know, I absolutely hate when you do that.
Ted: Do what?
Emmett: Start to say something and then say, "never mind!" Then I have to spend the next ten minutes begging you to tell me what it is.
Ted: I never knew it irritated you so much, why didn't you tell me?
Emmett: Well, what good would it do? You'd just get hurt and sulk.
Ted: (sulking) I would not sulk.
Emmett: And then I'd have to spend the next ten minutes convincing you that I love you and begging you to forgive me, which you finally would, so will you please just tell me what the f*ck it is so we don't have to go through the entire song and dance?
Ted: I forgot what it is I wasn't gonna tell you.
Emmett: You weren't gonna tell me why it is so unbelievable that Drewsie - uh, Drew Boyd - said yes.
Ted: Right. Because I was sure that he would say no, that he would turn me down flat, and then I'd have to face Brian's wrath for being a wretched failure.
Emmett: But that's not what happened. He said yes.
Ted: And it's all because of you.
Emmett: Me?
Ted: Well, you're the one who suggested him, aren't you?
Emmett: Oh, yeah, suppose I did.
Ted: Although I must have been pretty damn impressive to convince a big-time jock like Drew Boyd to stand around in his shorts!
[And now a little closure for Ben and Anthony, when Ben checks out some books at the library.]
Anthony: I'm sorry about last night, Ben. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward situation.
Ben: It wasn't so much awkward as it was upsetting to learn that what you really wanted was for me to give you - "the gift."
Anthony: You were - and still are - my inspiration.
Ben: Then listen to me. You have no idea what it's really like to be positive. No book, no lecture could ever describe that so please believe me when I tell you that you don't want it. You don't. It's not what you think.
Anthony: Thanks for trying to talk me out of it, but it's too late. See, I went to a party last night.
Ben: What kind of party?
Anthony: It's called a conversion party. I had unprotected s*x with a dozen or so guys. It's not the way I would have preferred it. Hopefully it worked.
Ben: Anthony, for God's sake!
Anthony: They said I should know in a couple of weeks. The same time these books are due back.
[Looks like Joanie decided to take Debbie's advice. Brian is giving her a tour of Kinnetik.]
Joan: Your new office is very impressive. And I like the name, Kinnetik with two n's. It's very clever. I'm glad to see you're doing so well.
Brian: Well, that makes two of us.
Joan: I saw that Debbie Novotny in church this morning.
Brian: What the hell was she doing there?
Joan: What most people do. Pray. She's quite a character.
Brian: Yeah, well, I'll drink to that.
Joan: I don't know how her poor son ever survived.
Brian: Maybe because she loved him.
Joan: And I love you. You may not believe that but it's true. That's why it hurts so much that I had to hear it from her and not from you. Why didn't you tell me?
Brian: The reason being?
Joan: So I could help you!
Brian: Well, I'm a big boy, Mom. I can dress myself.
Joan: I meant pray for you. Help you to see God's plan.
Brian: (with irony) God has a plan.
Joan: He spared you for a reason. Do you know why?
Brian: To torment you! I mean, no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shitload of pain and suffering. Well, Saint Joan, say hello to your shitload.
Joan: Brian. Whatever anger, whatever hatred you have for me, you're still my son. And that's why I'm trying to save you from the eternal fire. Every time you engage in behavior that the Bible says is an abomination, you're adding another eternity to your sentence.
Brian: Yeah, well, I wish I was engaging in it.
Joan: It brings tears to Jesus' eyes knowing that you've sinned. But only you can save yourself from God's punishment.
Brian: You think God gave me cancer to punish me?
Joan: It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can.
Brian: I can?
Joan: It won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. You'll have to be strong, harden yourself.
Brian: I want to be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard! Oh Lord, make me hard, so that I can f*ck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom! So that I can use the one ball I have left!
Joan: Shame! Shame on you!
[She flees in horror. Brian follows her out of his office, into the main office area and yells after her.]
Brian: If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in Hell, it's better than spending one good day in Heaven with you!
[Brian goes back into his office, then he suddenly realizes - he's got a hard-on.]
Brian: [looks above] Thank you!
[Emmett and Drew in bed, in a motel room.]
Emmett: So in this dream there is this gigantic billboard of you, Time Square like 40 story of building in your underwear.
Drew: Haven't I said I do a great posture?
Emmett: Anyway, you know I have this eccentricity about size. And your crotch goes from the sixteenth to twenty-third floor. The amazing this is the billboard comes to live. So I leave out under your shorts, pull them down and you have the humongest boner that exstance halfway across Time Square. So I claim out onto to give you a blowjob and when I hang out, doin' my thing and suck'n you. You huge and it's like an exploding jizz and I ride it and land safely in front of the Theater.
Drew: You a very weird guy.
Emmett: You know what that means? On one thing you're bigger than a life person.
Drew: Good.
Emmett: And I guess, I'm afraid that once the rest of the world sees you, I'll be just another face in the crowd.
[Drew kisses him.]
Emmett: What'd you do that for?
Drew: Cause I wanted to.
[Brian in a black wifebeater - prowling Babylon, looking for - Justin! He picks up Justin and whirls him around.]
Brian: Hey.
Justin: What's up?
Broan: Funny you should ask! (Turns around, arms raised) Is that not a thing of beauty?
Justin: And a joy forever!
[And ever, amen. They head for the backroom to celebrate.]
Justin: So that happy time tea actually worked?
Brian: Mmm...Unlikely.
Justin: Then whence the woody?
Brian: Let's just say that God gave me a second chance. I don't wanna blow it, but you feel free to.
[And Justin assumes the familiar position.]
[Michael is reading a manuscript while Ben waits for the verdict.]
Ben: Well?
Michael: You sure you want my opinion after the last time?
Ben: I wouldn't have asked you to read it if I didn't.
Michael: OK. My honest opinion is... It's brilliant. I mean it. At first I was shocked and even disgusted that anyone would even want to be positive, but somehow by the end, I really felt sorry for the guy. That he could be that lost. And alone. It takes a pretty amazing writer to be able to pull that off.
[They hug and kiss.]
Ben: So how was the trip to the mall?
Michael: I splurged, I bought Hunter his jeans.
Ben: Ohhh...
Michael: And he got us something. A CD.
Ben: Not some rap crap.
Michael: Now, now, dear, mustn't criticize the younger generation's music.
[Michael puts on the CD and they begin dancing.]
Ben: [hear the first beats and laughs] Oh, Michael... Not bad.
[Music: Reo Speedwagon #Can't fight this feeling. A romantic love song.]
Reo Speedwagon # Can't fight this feeling I can't fight this feeling any longer. And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow. What started out as friendship, Has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let it show. I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.
Michael: You know what part of your story I like best?
Ben: What?
Michael: The part where the gift giver decides not to sleep with the bug chaser and comes back to his partner.
[Cut to black screen.]
And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window, On a cold, dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. It's time to bring this ship into the shore, And throw away the oars, forever. Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. And if I have to crawl upon the floor, Come crushing through your door, Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore. My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you. I've been running round in circles in my mind. And it always seems that I'm following you, girl, Cause you take me to the places, That I'd known I'd never find. And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window, On a cold, dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. # | |
doc_307 | [The Nelson House - Emma's room.]
(Emma (a blond girl of about 12) is sitting at her computer with her best friend Manny (a brunette girl of about 12))
Emma: Read it again Manny.
Manny: Again? I've read it six times.
Emma: Just one more time. Please
Manny: Ok. "Emma, you saved my heart and my project. If we protect the wildlife refuge, I owe it all to you. Love you, Jordan."
Emma. Love you. Love you. (They both squeal) Let me see his picture again. (She scrolls down the screen on the computer and we see a cute brunette boy in several pictures) He gets cuter every time we see his face.
Manny: Is that possible?
Emma: Hey Manny. Don't wreck that. I want Caitlin to autograph it. (We see a magazine with a blond woman on the cover, who must be Caitlin)
[The Nelsons' House Downstairs]
(We see a photograph, which must be of Emma + her mom when Emma was little. The camera moves up and we see her mom put it in a box.)
Spike (Emma's mom's nickname): Emma! Ready to go?
Emma: Just a minute.
Spike: We don't have a minute. J.T.'s waiting for us.
(Emma minimizes her e-mail from Jordan. She is trying to close it. Her and Manny get nervous. Emma's mom enters the room.)
[Emma's Room]
Spike: Em, your room's a disaster. I thought you were going to clean it up.
Emma: I will.
Spike: And turn off that computer.
Emma: I was just showing Manny your reunion website.
(Emma brings up the reunion site. Spike takes the mouse and clicks on pictures of her and her classmates when they were at Degrassi.)
Spike: (stops on a picture of a girl) I always knew she'd made it big. (Keeps going and stops on a picture of herself with blond Mohawk hair) How's that for a hair-do? Could I have been any cooler?
Emma: Uh, yeah.
Spike: My ten year reunion. Wow. It's gonna be great seeing everyone again. I'm getting as bad as you guys. Come on, let's go (as she leaves, she takes the hat off Manny's head)
Manny: (to Spike) That's some pretty cool stuff you collected for the reunion.
Spike: Thanks. Emma now! (Emma gets up to leave and sees she has a new e-mail) Emma! (Emma leaves)
Theme song
[Degrassi Community School]
Spike: Thanks for dropping these off.
Manny: No problem Miss Nelson. Gives us a chance to see the school.
J.T.: Don't you think we'll be seeing enough of it over the next year?
Spike: You sure you can handle that?
J.T.: I'm smug, but strong. Like bull.
Emma: Speaking of bull...
Spike: Thanks again, guys. And Em...
Emma: Yes, I'll clean my room. She rushed me out of the house so fast, I didn't get a chance to read my new e-mail. I hope it's from Jordan. 'Cause in the last e-mail he told me that... (Walks away talking to Manny)
J.T.: Guys! Help!
[Inside Degrassi]
Manny: That sucks about the e-mail.
Emma: I know. But, Jordan e-mailed me last night too.
Manny: Really? What'd he say?
Emma: (closes her eyes) "I got over 6,000 names on my petition to keep the polar wildlife refuge untouched. Thanks for all your help with all this, Em, and your great idea. You're the best."
Manny: Wow.
Emma: I suggested the petition, but Jordan did all the work. He's so committed.
Manny: Too bad he lives in Yellowknife.
J.T.: Help! (He drops the boxes)
Emma: J.T.! (Emma + Manny run to help him)
(They start to pick stuff up. Emma picks up a photo of three guys, who were probably friends in a band.)
Emma: People in the 80s' were weird.
[Jeremiah Motors]
Joey: This car is retro meets modernism, Lucy. It's got the zing of the past with the technology of the future. It's even got that little bug vase that you put the flower in. It's like, Peace man, like a hippie.
Lucy: Joey, ideally I'd like a car that's bigger than my laptop. I've got to move to New Mexico in this thing.
Joey: This car is bigger than it looks, Lucy, trust me, okay? Why don't we take her for a spin, we'll drop your stuff off at Degrassi, and when we get back you'll be begging me to make a deal.
Lucy: Alright, alright. Tell me that's not Angela. (A little girl of about five walks up to them)
Joey: Yeah.
Lucy: Hey, cutie, you're practically a teenager.
Joey: Can you say, "Hi Lucy"?
Angela: Hi. (She waves)
Lucy: Hi. (She waves back)
Joey: She starts kindergarten next week, can you believe it? It's gonna be great. She really needs to be around other people.
Lucy: Speaking of needing other people, I checked the reunion website last night. You're not confirmed.
Joey: I know. I know.
Lucy: Joey, we're all really sorry your wife died, but, it's been a year. I think that Julia would be upset if she thought you were cutting yourself off from people.
Joey: Can we... uh... Why don't I go in, get the keys and we'll go out for a spin, okay? Angela, you wanna go for a spin? Yeah, we're gonna sell Lucy a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Goes inside with Angela)
[Degrassi]
Emma: I really hope you're Mr. Simpson.
Archie: I am. And you must be Emma. Wow. Wow. Wow. Spike found all of this stuff, it's amazing.
Manny: Spike?
Emma: My mom's nickname. Don't ask. (They put the Boxes down.)
Archie: (Takes the hat off J.T.) And I can see Fedora's are making a comeback. (Puts the hat on his head) Great. Thanks a lot guys. Uh, listen, go and enjoy your last few days of freedom.
J.T.: Spike? (Emma hits him) Ow! (They start to run)
Archie: Hey guys, no running! No running! No running! Okay, just keep running. Don't listen to me. Alright.
[Hallway]
(As they run, they hit the lockers. They stop running in front of the Media Immersion Lab.)
Emma: Holy...
Manny: Look at all the computers.
(Manny and J.T. start to walk away, but Emma stays.)
J.T.: Emma? Let's go. Oh, I see. Gonna e-mail Jordan from here?
Emma: Shut up!
J.T.: (mimicking Emma) Oh, he can read into my soul. (Emma punches him) Ow.
Mr. Raditich: And the jewel on the Degrassi crown, the Media Immersion Lab. Every computer here is connected to the internet via high speed telephone access.
Jeff: Oh, you see Toby? Didn't have that at your old school.
J.T.; Toby?
Toby: J.T.?
(J. T. goes up to Toby.)
J.T. and Toby: Mickey hickey wampum, Mickey hickey yeah, Mickey hickey wigwam, North Creek summer camp.
J.T.: Dude, what are you doing here?
Manny: I guess they're friends.
Toby: My dad moved in with his girlfriend and Degrassi was the closest school so...
Mr. R.: I think we'll let you two get reacquainted and your father and I will finish filling out the forms in my office.
Jeff: So, Toby, you gonna need a...
Toby: I'm gonna walk home, ok?
Jeff: Cool.
J.T.: Oh, sorry. Manny, Emma, this is Toby. We were at camp together.
Emma: No, really?
Toby: Nice to meet you
Emma: Yeah. Ok, the coast is finally clear. Manny, you're coming in with me.
Manny: No, no.
Emma: You two stand guard.
(Emma and Manny go inside the Media Immersion Lab so Emma can check her e-mail.)
Toby: So is your friend always like that?
J. T.: Always.
Toby: Really?
(Manny runs up to the door and scares them by hitting it.)
Toby: Kids.
[Another part of Degrassi]
(Archie is looking through photos.)
[Inside a black limo. A blond woman (Caitlin Ryan) is talking on her cell phone)]
Caitlin: Keith, I know you're really overworked right now. But this weekends really, really important to me. (As she talks they show her on a magazine, then her actually talking) Come on, it's just one weekend. I want to show you off. Show us off. Please? Yeah, that's perfect. Great. 5:00. Thanks babe. I love you too.
(She closes her cell phone. When she does, we see an engagement ring on her hand, which means, Keith is her fiancé.)
[Degrassi]
(Caitlin gets out of the limo and enters Degrassi.)
Caitlin: Thanks. (To the driver opening the car door)
Driver: You're welcome.
[Inside Degrassi]
Caitlin: Snake!
Archie: Caitlin. Oh my... (Drops his box he's carrying and gives her a hug) Wow. Hey. Oh wow, it's great to see you.
Caitlin: Likewise. So you're a teacher at Degrassi. Ok, here (gives him a headband)
Archie: Ok, now. This is your best memory of Degrassi?
Caitlin: What? So I went through a headband phase. Come on, it was the 80s'. You were there.
Archie: Speaking of the 80s'... how about this? Joey's fedora.
Caitlin: Ok. (Puts the hat on)
Archie: Nice. Nice. It suits you.
Caitlin: Where's the shirt?
Archie: I don't know. I think Joey's still wearing it, you know?
[Outside Degrassi]
Lucy: (Sees the limo) Oh, look at that. Why don't you sell a car like that, Jeremiah?
(Joey looks inside Degrassi. He sees her and she sees him. She walks slowly when she sees him. (You can tell that maybe they were once together))
[Media Immersion Lab]
Emma: Manny, would you calm down? If we're caught, I'll say I forced you.
Manny: Ha, ha. What? What'd he say?
Emma: Manny, Jordan's coming here. And he wants to meet me. Tomorrow.
[Degrassi entrance]
Caitlin: So what's your dinosaur's name?
Angela: Ally.
Caitlin: Ally?
Joey: So you're getting married. Congratulations.
Lucy: Yeah. When's the big day?
Caitlin: Sometime next year. And we haven't narrowed it down yet, but, um, you are all invited.
Archie: Great. So when do we actually get to meet Keith?
Caitlin: He's on an afternoon flight from L.A. He's dying to meet you guys.
Joey: L.A. Is he in show business?
Caitlin: He's a director.
Joey: I always knew you'd meet the guy.
Caitlin: Well, I guess, um, I should probably go. Uh, check into my hotel. Uh, but, Joey, the reunion. You really not gonna go?
Joey: No, I'm not.
Caitlin: Well, then at least come out for drinks with us tonight.
Joey: I, uh...
Lucy: You know what? He'd love to. We'll both be there.
Caitlin: Great. So I'll see you guys later then. (Mr. Simpson takes the hat off her as she leaves)
Lucy: By Caitlin.
[Playground.]
(Emma and Manny are on a tire swing.)
Emma: I want to meet him. It's just I told him I was in high school.
Manny: You almost are. Jordan's coming here. You have to meet him. It's fate.
Toby: Who's Jordan?
J.T.: Some creep Emma met on the 'Net. I bet he lives in Scarbrough + works in a video store. I bet he's 40 and drools.
Emma: You still wet the bed and I'm friends with you.
J.T.: Ha ha ha.
Toby: Ok. If you're meeting a stranger you met off of the 'Net, that could be really dangerous.
Emma: He's not a stranger. He e-mailed me his picture. I've known Jordan a lot longer than I've known you.
Manny: Guys, it's cool. Jordan's 16. He's coming here on a school trip.
J.T.: School trip? It's summer.
Emma: He organized it back in the spring. He got to go at the last minute. Stop making it into something it's not.
(They start spraying each other with water guns.)
[The Nelson's House - Emma house]
(Spike and Caitlin are looking at the reunion website.)
Caitlin: Oh my god. Wait. Wait. Go back. I wanna see that one again. Don't try and speed past that one.
Spike: (looking at Caitlin's engagement ring) I can't wait to meet Keith. He's got great taste in jewelry. That's a good sign.
Caitlin: Well, thank you. Um, actually, I picked it out myself. 'Cause, he, you know, was so busy with pre-production and all that kind of stuff, he just gave me his card and said, "Go crazy."
Spike: Can't complain about crazy.
(Emma enters with a sandwich and drink.)
Emma: Why are you on my computer?
Spike: Excuse me, our computer.
Emma: You're on the reunion site again? Next time can we try asking before trespassing?
Spike: Next time can we be more polite to our guest? Em...
Emma: Caitlin Ryan. Ryan's Planet! Birth date: March 2nd 1972. You're a Pisces right?
Spike: And you're a stalker.
Emma: I can't believe you're actually here, in my really messy room.
Caitlin: Don't worry about it. Oh my god, it's great to see you. All grown up.
Spike: She wishes. So... expecting an e-mail from your boyfriend?
Emma: Did you...you hacked my e-mail? Haven't you ever heard of privacy?
Spike: Relax, I couldn't hack my way out of a paper bag. But I can tell when my daughter's getting interested in boys.
Emma: Mom. I'm not having s*x.
Spike: I'm gonna have fun this weekend right?
Caitlin: I promise. (They leave) Bye.
(Emma closes the door.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Emma's room - Later]
Emma: Ok. We've gone through all the e-mail. No video store. No mention of missing teeth.
Manny: J.T.'s just worried about you.
Emma: J.T.'s just immature.
Manny: That Toby guy seems okay.
Emma: He's fine, I guess. Yeah. Girls are so much more mature than boys. That's why I like Jordan. I've never had a boyfriend so smart, so thoughtful.
Manny: Em, you've never had a boyfriend.
Emma: I know.
Manny: Maybe...
Emma: What?
Manny: What Toby said, about meeting strangers on the 'Net, Being dangerous...
Emma: Manny I can take care of myself. You don't need to worry so much. We'll meet somewhere in public.
Manny: Maybe you should just talk to your mom. She's cool. She'd understand.
Emma: She's not that cool. Are you saying you don't think I should meet Jordan?
Manny: Hey!
[A Bar]
Keith: Teaching. It's so noble. You know, giving back, etc. Actually, I'm, uh, working on a script about you guys, kind of a Dangerous Minds meets Footloose kind of thing. (Phone rings) Just a second. Let me take this. (On phone) Yo, Frankie. Yeah. No, I'm in Toronto. No, I haven't seen any eskimos yet. Uh...
Lucy: Caitlin, I watch your show every week. The situations you get yourself into, you're amazingly brave.
Caitlin: Brave? So what about you?
Lucy: What about me?
Joey: Come on, don't be so modest. 2 years of physical therapy. Followed by an honors BA and a masters in anthropology?
Spike: A Ph. D in one more year?
Lucy: Guys, it's not brave.
Caitlin: Oh, yeah, you're right. It's just brilliant, awesome, and amazing.
Lucy: It's not even awesome, it's just life. I survived the accident. I got off easy.
Archie: Sorta like Wheels. Kills a kid. 10 years later, scot-free.
Joey: (on TV) Hey! We got white ones. We got red ones We got big ones and we got small ones. I'm gonna give you a bumper to bumper warranty. That's right. At Jeremiah motors, if you find a lower price anywhere else, I'll give you the shirt off my back (takes off his shirt)
Lucy: Joey! That's awful!
Joey: I needed a commercial, I made a commercial.
Keith: Right on, man. And it makes or breaks a business. Just, just one more second. Frankie, listen, listen to me. They're from a major. You're not going to sign the deal on some low rent pancake house. Fix it, ok? (Hangs up phone) But, uh, Joey, next time, hire a real actor. You know, avoid this sifty used cars salesman vibe. I mean, that's what I would do.
Joey: No, thank you, Keith.
Keith: No problem. That's what they pay me the big bucks for.
Archie: It's funny, it's classic, it's...
Everyone else: It's Joey!
Caitlin: Keith, if you had seen Joey in high school, total ham, the whole way through. I think it's great, despite everything you've been through, you're still the same old Joey.
Joey: Actually, uh, I have changed. And so have you. Excuse me.
Keith: So....
[Joey drinking at the bar.]
(Archie comes up to him.)
Archie: (To Bartender) Can we have two more of those? Thanks. Joey, were you over there right now?
Joey: Yeah I know. I'm just waiting for my cab.
Archie: What's going on here?
Joey: Nothing's going on. I just knew this was a bad idea so I'm going home.
Archie: Oh, Joey, come on.
Joey: Snake, get off my back please. Don't start.
Archie: Cutting out the rest of the world isn't going to bring her back. You know that, right?
Joey: Will you save the psycho 101 crap for your students? I'm not a child. I don't need you or anyone else telling me how to live my life.
Archie: Joey, we're your friends. We're worried about you.
Joey: All I get is people feeling sorry for me. Why do you think I don't wanna go tomorrow night? It just makes me feel worse.
Archie: So this has nothing to do with Caitlin?
Joey: No! No it doesn't, all right? All right, I don't like her boyfriend.
Archie: Fiancée.
Joey: Whatever. And I don't like the fact she feels sorry for me. But, I'm fine. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone trying to save me.
Archie: You know what? I'd look and see who feels sorry for who right now.
(Archie finishes his drink and goes back to the table, leaving Joey alone. Joey looks at them, then looks away.)
[The Nelsons' House]
(Emma is asleep. Lucy, Spike, and Caitlin come in, singing a song.)
Girls: ...everybody wants something they'll never give up. Everybody wants something that'll take you money and never give up. (A song)
Lucy: We still know the words. God help us.
Spike: Who wants a glass of champagne?
Lucy: I do.
Caitlin: Hey, can we spike your hair now? Oh, come on, 80s' are back. Besides, the Go-Go's have reunited. Come on. (While their talking, Emma is coming downstairs)
Spike: Emma, we woke you up.
Caitlin: Sorry, Em.
Spike: We promised to be quiet. Ladies bubbly?
Caitlin: Just one glass though. Keith's waiting for me back at the hotel. Hey, Emma. How are you? It's so good to see you.
Emma: Caitlin, can I ask you something?
Caitlin: Sure. Let me guess... your boyfriend?
Emma: My friends don't think I should be with him.
Caitlin: Well, what do you think? I mean, do you like him?
Emma: Yeah, we get along so great. Sometimes, it's like he can read into my soul.
Caitlin: Well, sometimes you just have to take a chance. Go for it. Even if your friends don't think it's right.
Emma: Like what you do for the environment?
Caitlin: Yeah, exactly. If my family had their way, I'd be working in an office right now. Somewhere on Bay Street. Oh, what an awful thought. So, is he cute? Come on, I want details. Details, details.
[The kitchen.]
Lucy: Hey, Spike, what do you think of Keith?
Spike: Caitlin could do a lot better. (Lucy puts the hat on) Ooh, nice.
[The stairs (Spike is listening to Caitlin and Emma talk)]
Emma: But, how do you know? I mean, when it's one of those times?
Caitlin: Well, you know in here. (Meaning, your heart.) And it's usually right.
(Spike comes up to them.)
Spike: Oops. Bonding moment?
Caitlin: Oh, no. No. Just boring Emma with tales of my environmental crusades.
Emma: What you said....wow.
Spike: Honey, do you wanna join us for a minute?
Emma: No, I'm tired.
Caitlin: Good night.
Spike: 'Night, Em. So... what were you talking about?
Caitlin: Wouldn't you like to know? Oh, she's so young.
Lucy: Oh, and you're so old.
Caitlin: What? I'm practically 30.
Lucy: I refuse to have biological clock. Honestly, I don't even feel it.
Spike: I wouldn't mind going out on a date.
Caitlin: Oh my god that's the best thing about Keith. No more flirting with men in sandals over organic food and environmental chit chat.
Lucy: Poor Caitlin. So many vegans, so little time.
[Emma's bedroom. She is her computer, writing Jordan an e-mail that she wants to meet him. (It says: "Dear Jordan, I am totally into meet tomorrow" - Emma]
Emma: Sometimes you just... (Sends him the e-mail) go for it. | |
doc_308 | [PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Wesley: "Angel's son is part of the prophecy."
Linwood: "The Nyazian scrolls said the child would never be born!"
Gavin: "Darla died during childbirth." Darla dusts herself.
Holtz: "She sacrificed herself to save the child."
Angel: "I'm his only family. My job now is to be everything for him."
Gavin: "We have to get that baby."
Gunn: "Boogie at the back door!"
Wes: "Everyone and everything will be coming for him."
Angel: "No one is gonna put their hands on this child." Cordy gets thrown into the weapons cabinet by a vision.
Cordy: "These visions are killing me."
Skip: "Humans are not strong enough to harbor the visions! Demons are the only ones who can withstand them."
Cordy: "So - demonize me already."
Cordy: "Right now we have to solve my vision. The one I'm having right now."
Angel: "Cordy..." Cordy, floating a foot above the ground: "What?"
Files and Records: "Holtz, Daniel, vampire killer, ca. Seventeen fifty four." Holtz shows Justine the obituary of her sister, Julia Cooper.
Holtz: "Justine, I know what it's like to grieve. I want to help you."
Justine: "I want you to stay the hell away from me." Justine fights the vampire in the cemetery and Holtz stakes it before it can bite her.
Holtz: "I'm here to teach you how to fight."
Justine: "What's in it for you?"
Holtz: "You help me kill a vampire." Shot of Angel and the gang leaving the hospital with Connor in the stroller Gunn bought.
Justine: "You don't need me for that."
Holtz: "I do. This vampire is strong." Angel is counting loose change as he puts it into a piggybank.
Angel: "Sixty, seventy, eighty. One, two, three."
Cordy, holding Connor: "Angel..." Angel raises a hand to stop her as he picks up the piggy and locks it into the picture safe beside the desk. Fred looks up from her laptop.
Fred: "How is the Connor fund?"
Angel: "There was a dollar eighty three in the cushions out there. That's perfectly good money just lying around. (Closes the safe) Now, how's it going?"
Fred: "Moments away." Angel looks over Fred's shoulder at the new website for Angel Investigations and points at the 'No Case Too Small' under the 'We Help The Helpless" part.
Angel: "Ah. Can you make that bigger? Bold, but, you know, tasteful."
Fred: "Hmm. Tasteful. Sure."
Cordy to baby: "You are so cute! Yes, you are. You are just the best little boy in the whole world." Angel comes up behind her and smiles down at Connor over her shoulder.
Angel: "How's my little man?"
Cordy: "Oh, he wonders where his father's been."
Angel: "Papa's got mouths to feed."
Cordy: "Ah. I have a mouth, too. Always have had one. Kind of known for it and we've fed it fine for years. Yeah." Cordy puts Connor down in a baby carry-bed.
Cordy: "Angel - I'm glad you wanna take care of your son. I am. I just wanna make sure we don't lose sight of the mission."
Angel: "Well, we have to earn a living. I mean, not just for Connor, but for all of us."
Cordy: "I agree. But first and foremost we work for the Powers, help the helpless. Promise me we won't neglect that."
Angel: "I promise. (Sees Gunn coming in) I promise. (Turns to Gunn) Well?"
Gunn: "Well, we hired some guys. Six thousand of these babies all over town." Gunn holds up a flyer with 'Angel Investigations' and their logo on it. 'We help the helpless. No case too small. Paranormal Specialists. 313-555-0126'
Angel: "Nice! (To Cordy) I'd call me, wouldn't you?"
Fred: "Hey! The website's up. We're live."
Angel picks Connor up: "We're live, little guy. Come on." Angel walks over to the desk and turns the laptop so everyone can see the screen.
Angel: "There, beautiful. We're online. We got flyers, we got yellow pages. Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to a new area of Angel Investigations. All we have to do now is wait - for that phone to start ringing and the money to start rolling in. (To Baby) Because someone's got to clothe and feed and educate this little guy, yeah? (Connor yawns) Yep - all we have to do is wait. - Just a matter of time. (Connor fusses) Don't you worry, this town is full of people who have problems." A man is running through the pouring rain. He looks back over his shoulder at some looming shadows following him on the wall of the alley behind him, and runs right into a pile of trashcans. As he picks himself back up, he sees one of Angel's new flyers. AI is still standing around the phone, waiting. The man, flyer in hand, runs over to a payphone, dials, listens to it ring.
Man: "Come on, come on, come on!" Split screen - the phone at AI is *not* ringing. Triple split screen, a guy picks up the phone in what looks like a kitchen.
Guy: "Fabrizio's Pizza." Fred picks up a flyer form the desk and takes a closer look at it.
Fred: "Is this the right phone number?" Everyone turns to look at Wesley. Intro Hyperion, day, Wes walks in, carrying a stack of flyers.
Wes: "That's the last of them. Six thousand new ones." Wes stops to see what has Gunn's attention so riveted. Fred is out in the lobby cuddling Connor.
Wes: "Adorable."
Gunn: "So sweet."
Wes: "I meant the baby."
Gunn: "I meant the hot mama." Gunn and Wes look at each other. Angel comes in.
Wes: "Sorry about the mix up last night."
Angel: "It's not important. But we can't afford any more mistakes. Making mistakes cost money, and making money right now is our number one priority. (Lorne comes down the stairs in a silk housecoat) Hey, Lorne."
Lorne: "If this is about the baby formula that I snagged from the fridge last night - sorry. I was feeling a little peckish and it was that or a glass of pig's blood. By the way, baby formula and Kaluha? Not as bad as it sounds."
Angel: "Lorne, I need you to use your contacts to find out what Holtz is up to. He's out there somewhere. We can never forget that. Finding him is our number one priority."
Gunn: "I thought you said..."
Angel: "Finding Holtz and making money are our two number one priorities." Cordy walks by behind him and clears her throat.
Angel: "Helping the helpless, finding Holtz, and making money are out *three* number one priorities."
Cordy: "Hey, look! We got some hits on our website." The phone on Cordy's desk rings and Wes picks it up.
Wes: "Angel Investigations, may I help you?" The phone on the counter rings and Gunn picks it up.
Gunn: "Angel Investigations, can I help you?" Yet a third phone rings somewhere.
Angel, smiling: "We're in business!" Justine is sitting at a small table in Holtz lair with Holtz pacing behind her.
Justine: "You should be thanking me."
Holtz: "For disobeying an order?"
Justine: "For dusting two vamps!"
Holtz: "Two vampires from whom I had told you to walk away."
Justine: "Guess I misunderstood."
Holtz: "Which is why we're here."
Justine: "And speaking of here, would a couple of light bulbs and indoor plumbing kill you?"
Holtz: "We are here to determine whether or not - you - have the commitment necessary for the work at hand."
Justine: "At hand? -That's a joke, right?"
Holtz: "Why are you wasting my time?"
Justine: "What do you want from me?"
Holtz: "I just told you: commitment. Something you must now convince me you have." The camera pans down from Justine looking up at Holtz to reveal that her left hand is pinned to the desk with an awl.
Holtz: "So I've explained why I'm doing this. Why are you?"
Justine: "Let's just say, feeling something - is better than feeling nothing."
Holtz: "Take it out any time you like. If you're still here when I return, we'll consider the next phase of our - partnership." Justine watches Holtz walk out and slide the grate shut behind him. The Hyperion lobby is full of people (not all of them human). Fred takes a clipboard from one of the non-humans. Angel, holding Connor, walks up beside her.
Fred: "Welcome to Angel Investigations Mr. (looks at the clipboard) Blee - Lee - Shushngrung. Uhm, please have a seat and one of our associates will be right with you."
Angel: "Hey, Lorne. Non-human on deck."
Lorne: "Coming." Lorne is talking to three gray aliens, wearing long robes and silver facemasks in a language that seems to be mostly clicks, whirrs, and popping sounds. He leaves them to talk to Angel.
Lorne: "Hey, the guys with the chrome faceplates, they're called Nahdrahs. I speak their lingo, sort of. If I understand them correctly they've got a job for our leader and a great deal of money."
Angel: "Oh, let's not keep them waiting, huh?"
Lorne: "Well, our leader in this instance being Wesley. They saw his web articles on DNA fusion comparisons in Tri-ped demon populations." Angel sees Wes coming out of the office with some other people and flags him.
Angel: "Hey, Wes. Wes, talk to the Nahdrahs." Gunn comes up to Angel leading a young blonde.
Gunn: "Hey, office free? It's kind of personal."
Angel: "Yeah. Go. (To Connor) If this keeps up, little guy, we may have to incorporate, huh?" Cordy is sitting at the counter, phone in hand.
Cordy: "We're getting stretched a little thin here, Angel."
Angel: "Come on. Nonsense. We can handle it."
Cordy: "Really? Well, then why don't you handle it by picking up lines two, three and four?" Angel shrugs and walks towards the phones.
Angel: "Angel Investigations, your problems are our problems. - Okay. How urgent is it? Uh-huh. And what do you do for a living? That's a good company. You own it? Okay, hold on. (Puts down the receiver) Pen, paper, quick." Gunn is pouring some tea for the Blonde in the office.
Ally: "I don't sleep. I'm afraid to go out or answer the phone."
Gunn: "Yeah, I hate stalkers. Look, don't worry. We'll put a stop to it. (Hands her the tea) Have a seat."
Ally: "Thank you."
Gunn: "So, do you know who this guy is?"
Ally: "Yeah, well, it's- it's Brian, my ex-boyfriend."
Gunn: "Have you - been to the police?"
Ally: "Yeah. They act like I'm some kind of nut. Just - like I'm making it all up."
Gunn: "Yeah, you go to the cops for help they don't do a thing until somebody ends up dead."
Ally: "Somebody *is* dead."
Gunn: "Who?"
Ally: "Brian. (Holds up the flyer) Isn't that the kind of stuff you guys deal with?"
(The number at the bottom of the flyer now ends in 0162)
Gunn: "Yeah. All the time. So - Brian, your dead boyfriend, is stalking you?"
Ally: "Well, I mean, he's not my boyfriend *now.*"
Wes is talking to the Nahdrahs with Lorne translating.
Wes: "The Internet article I'm currently writing posits a formula for the genome mapping of creatures who don't have genes. - It's an exciting arena."
Lorne: "One I'm sure we can all download at 'I'll never know the love of a woman dot com.' (Wes gives him a look) Ah, can we get down to business? They want to buy your head. - Little rusty with the language. I should probably clarify that." Lorne clicks away at the Nahdrahs. One of them holds up a metal suit case.
Lorne: "They want your mind. They're celebrating their prince's, uh - it's - it's like a birthday, only they're not born so much as disgorged. They - they need you to solve one of their traditional puzzles so they can give it to him. It's quite an honor."
Wes: "Could be interesting." Fred has come up and looks at the Nahdrah's robes.
Fred: "Sure. These are puzzle people. Did you notice the designs on their tunics? (Traces the design) Geometric shapes. Each a prime number, if you count their edges, arranged in ascending order of exponential accumulation."
Wes, smiling at her: "Yes, I did - not - notice that at all." Fred grins back at him, while the Nahdrahs start clicking away at Lorne.
Lorne: "Ah, they wanna know why your girlfriend was pointing at them. I better tell them what she said before we have an international incident."
Wes: "Ah, she's not my..." Lots of excited clicking going on by the Nahdrahs.
Wes: "Silly." The Nahrdahs leave in a hurry.
Fred: "Did I say something wrong?"
Lorne: "No. No, they liked *you.*"
Fred: "So much they ran away?"
Lorne: "They either have to consult with their prince or go eat a cheese monkey. Did-did I mention rusty with the lingo?"
Gunn: "Wes? I think I'm gonna need you on this one."
Angel on phone: "Great. I'm on my way." Angel hangs up the phone and picks up the piece of paper from the desk. Walks over to Cordy and thrusts Connor into her arms.
Angel: "Big case. Got to run."
Cordy: "Oh..."
Angel, already leaving: "I think he needs changing. Oh, and bottle, three o'clock."
Cordy to Connor: "Well, hi there." Shot of a car driving down a street at night. A man dressed in a suit is talking on a hands-free phone headset of a large office as Angel enters through the glass doors. The side wall of the window are large windows overlooking a manufacturing floor.
Harlan: "Yeah. Okay. That's good for us. Tell him a six month million dollar guarantee and we'll cover the extra cost. Yeah. No, I get that, but we got to get a decision by tomorrow. Listen, somebody just walked in my office. I'll call you back. (Takes the headset off) Mr. Angel."
Angel: "Just Angel." Guy gets up to shake Angel's hand
Harlan: "Harlan Elster. Thanks for coming to meet me."
Angel: "No problem. I know what it's like when your name's on the letterhead..."
Harlan: "Hmm. I got to say, you're not exactly what I pictured."
Angel: "No?"
Harlan: "You're pretty well coifed, I guess. You're not afraid to get a little mussed, are you, Mr. Angel? Because 'mussed' you're gonna be just by stepping foot in there."
Angel: "In where?"
Harlan: "Eighty third and Vermont. (Hands Angel a folder) Used to be low-income housing. Now it's a nest. Boarded up windows. No Electricity. Sewer access. They like it dark."
Angel: "Vampires."
Harlan: "A whole gang of them. Those photos were taken by the last guy I had on this job."
Angel: "What happened to him?"
Harlan: "He got mussed. You have much experience dealing with vampires?"
Angel: "Some."
Harlan: "Yeah, well, not like these. They're not out for blood. They want money."
Angel: "Money?"
Harlan: "Yeah. I know. Whoever heard of a vampire out to make a buck, right?" Angel lets out a half-hearted laugh and drops into a chair.
Harlan: "Anyway, they've been putting the squeeze on some local business men. We pay them a protection fee and they don't eat our employees. They're demanding five thousand dollars by midnight."
Angel: "Whoa." Harlan starts to make out a check: "Now, I'm prepared to pay you ten to make this problem go away. Five thousand now (rips out the check) the remainder when the jobs finished."
Angel: "That'll make ten - which is more than they're asking you for."
Harlan: "But this isn't about money."
Angel: "No, no, of course it's not - about - that. (Takes the check) Money. (Lets out a short laugh as he looks at the check) I'll get right on this."
Harlan shakes Angel's hand again: "Thanks."
Angel: "Sure." Harlan watches the doors close behind Angel. A door behind Harlan opens and an older man walks in.
Man: "What the hell are you doing in my office?"
Harlan: "Mr. Elster." With that the imposter hauls back and knocks the real Harlan Elster out. Break Justine's head is resting on the table in Holtz' lair, her hand still pinned to the table by the ice pick. Holtz walks in, crouches down and lays his head on the table, so their eyes are on a level.
Justine: "Decided to stick around."
Holtz: "You asked me what I wanted from you. (Wraps his hand around the handle of the ice pick) I want you to go out and find others like you. People who have suffered as we have, people with the same rage, the same fire. You'll know them when you see them. Their eyes - will look like this feels." Justine lets out a scream as Holtz pulls the ice pick free. Holtz hands her a handkerchief.
Holtz: "Are we clear? Have we learned our lessons, Justine?" Justine wraps the handkerchief around her hand.
Justine: "We're clear." As Justine gets up she hits Holtz hard across the chin with her wrapped left fist, knocking him back.
Justine: "You son of a bitch." She drops back into her chair, breathing hard, as Holtz watches her, fingering his chin. Angel walks into the lobby of the Hyperion, which is deserted, except for some papers strewn here and there and Cordy and Fred sprawled on the settee next to Connor's bassinet.
Angel: "Is this country great or what? Five thousand smackeroos and all I have to do to collect five thousand more, is clean out a vamp nest downtown. Where's Wes and Gunn? I wanna show 'em this."
Cordy: "Out on a case."
Fred: "There's a young woman whose dead boyfriend is stalking her."
Angel: "That's terrible. Did you..."
Cordy: "I ran her credit. She's solvent."
Angel: "Nice. (Crouches to look into the bassinet) Hey, how's my little magnum cum laude, Notre Dame, class of two thousand twenty?"
Cordy: "Angel - I don't think it's such a great idea to be working on so many cases at once. I mean, what if we're all out making money and some poor devil stumbles in here and needs our help?" The doors open and Lorne stumbles in.
Lorne: "Bon giorno, everybody, bon giorno."
Angel: "You've been drinking?"
Lorne: "Oh, I can hold my liquor, Mister. Unfortunately I can't say the same for my firewater." Lorne giggles.
Fred: "Aren't they the same thing?"
Lorne: "Hey, Fred-girl! No, this is special firewater, used to loosen the tongue of my Gar-wak snitch. They light the water on fire and there's chanting and a bong, and look out, Houston!"
Angel: "Did you learn anything about Holtz?"
Lorne: "Oh yeah. He is *really* not fond of you. I'm led to believe that he and his Grapplar demons had plans to (makes sound and cutting motion across his throat) you. (Angel leans back a little closing his eyes for a moment) Is my breath stinky?" Lorne exhales into Angel face.
Angel: "Yeah." Angel fans the air in front of him with the check in his hand and backs away.
Angel: "Holtz is using the Grapplars as soldiers."
Lorne: "Not anymore, Bucko. He poisoned them and he's looking for replacements. Humans."
Angel: "Do we know where he is?"
Lorne: "Bro, I'm on it. I've got rats looking all over this town. Well, not actual rats - except two of them. Ooh, I don't feel so good." Cordy picks Connor up out his bassinet.
Cordy: "Uh, we've got company." Angel turns to see the Nahdrahs walking in, clicking away as soon as they enter.
Cordy: "Lorne? It's all snap, crackle, pop to me."
Angel: "Ah, these are the guys that wanted Wesley."
Lorne: "Not anymore. Now they want Fred."
Angel: "For what?" Lorne clicks away to the Nahdrahs then turns back to Angel.
Lorne: "Her enormous brain. They're convinced she can solve the puzzle they wanna give to their prince. (To Fred) They weren't offended by you before, they were impressed."
Fred: "Really?"
Angel: "Where would she have to go and how long would it take?" Lorne after clicking to the Nahdrahs: "They live on a barge, currently docked in the marina. And a day or two, depends no how long it takes her to solve it."
Angel to Fred: "You game?"
Fred shrugs: "Sure.'
Angel to Lorne: "You'll have to go with her to translate. Tell 'em it won't be cheap. They're getting two of our top employees. That's salary, per diem, overtime..."
Lorne: "Okay, okay." Clicks and pops away at the Nahdrahs. One of them lifts the metal suitcase up.
Lorne: "They apologize for their paltry offering and hope you'll accept (the Nahdrah opens the case revealing bundles of cash) Fifty thousand dollars!?!"
Angel: "Fifty..."
Cordy: "...thousand..."
Fred: "...Dollars?" Angel reaches out and grabs the suitcase, a big smile on his face: "We accept." Gunn and Wes are guarding the Blonde from earlier at her home.
Ally: "You know, I consider myself independent and it's hard for me to ask for help, but - it really feels good for you guys to be in the house. You know that woman you work with was right. You inspire confidence."
Wes: "Which woman?"
Ally: "Brunette, really cute, Texan maybe?"
Gunn and Wes smile: "Fred." Turn to look at each other.
Gunn: "Said I inspire confidence."
Wes: "Actually, I-I believe the comment was directed at me."
Gunn: "Really? 'cause I don't think so."
Ally holds out a photograph: "Here, this is Brian. Not exactly a rocket scientist, but, ah, he's so sweet. You ever meet somebody and you just know that you belong together? It just feels..."
Gunn and Wes: "Comfortable." They look at each other.
Wes: "You read all the same science journals."
Gunn: "You laugh at the same dumb jokes."
Ally: "And the s*x. Oh, god, do I miss the s*x."
Gunn to himself: "Tell me about it."
Wes: "Hmm."
Ally: "So, explain something to me. How can Brian be stalking me if he's dead?" Gunn opens his mouth but Wes, looking out the window answers before he gets a chance to say anything.
Wes: "There are any number of explanations. Witchcraft, black magic, voodoo, zombiefication, demon possession, even vampirism."
Ally: "But why? Why is he hanging around here? What does he want?" Gunn tries to answer, but Wes beats to it again.
Wes: "Perhaps there is something he left unfinished, something he wants to tell you."
Gunn: "Or maybe he just wants to eat your intestines."
Wes: "Gunn. We don't know that he's a zombie, and besides the flesh eating is a myth. Zombies merely mangle, mutilate and occasionally wear human flesh. So there is no reason to be frightened until we have a better idea..." The door, beside which Wes is standing, cracks open and a pale hand grabs a hold of him. Wes throws himself against the door, trying to force it shut again.
Wes: "Gunn!" Gunn runs over and starts to beat on what's visible of Brian with his baseball bat. Brian retreats and they slam the door shut.
Wes: "Right then. Zombie it is." Lorne moans as he and Fred climb on to the Nahdrah's barge.
Fred: "Are you okay?"
Lorne: "I was feeling seasick when we were still on dry land. Do I look greener than usual?"
Fred: "A little." They are lead into a big open room on the deck of the barge.
Lorne: "Oh, nice décor! It's sort of a Jules Verne meets Leona Helmsly." The Nahdrahs click away as they lead them further into the room.
Lorne: "Oh, great! They wanna take our picture." He and Fred pose and one of them takes the picture.
Lorne: "Terrif. Hey, this is the puzzle they want you to solve." There are irregularly shaped hunks of glass, softly glowing from within, spread out on a table.
Fred: "I'm guessing it fits together in some sort of algorithmic sequence? Any hints?" Lorne clicks at the Nahdrahs.
Lorne: "Yeah, just one. He said if they knew how to do it themselves you wouldn't be here." Fred sits down at the table, opens her laptop and takes a closer look at the pieces.
Fred: "So. Causation. Corollary. Causatu Corollary. Are we talking a closed curve of finite length in a simply connected domain of zero? - That would be too easy, wouldn't it?" One of the Nahdrahs comes over with a tray.
Lorne: "Oh, hors d'oeuvres. (Sees that they are Eyeballs and insects on round crackers) Oh, really I couldn't. I had eyeballs and insects for breakfast." Angel walks into the vamps' lair, looking around.
Angel: "Ooh, aren't we just the scary serial vamps - with the spooky lair -and the taking of trophies of our victims?" Angel picks up some of the stuff (like watches, wallets, purses, etc) on one of the tables then drops it back down.
Angel: "Lame." Angel pulls out a stake and flattens himself against the wall next to the door as footsteps approach. A man comes in, carrying more loot, and Angel attacks him from behind. The guy drops the stuff and turns on Angel, revealing his vamp face and the two of them fight. Angel gets thrown around a bit. He lands on the floor and picks up a broken table leg.
Angel: "Next time you hit the yard sales, I'd avoid the wooden furniture. (Angel stakes the vamp as it charges him again.) I hear Wicker is nice." Angel gets up to see two other vamps standing there.
Angel: "Oh, great. Two more."
Vamp1: "Dibs on the coat." Angel walks back into Harlan Elsters office. The real Harlan Elster is looking through some papers.
Angel: "Excuse me."
Elster: "What do you want?"
Angel: "I-I'm looking for Harlan Elster?"
Elster: "I'm Harlan Elster."
Angel: "That's bad."
Elster: "How's that bad?"
Angel: "Well, because the Harlan Elster I'm looking for (pulls out the check) gave me this." Elster steps up to take a closer look at it, then points at his chin.
Elster: "Really. Well, he gave me this. (Hands the check back to Angel) At least mine's real. The man who forged my name, about your height, less beat up?"
Angel: "Yeah, that's him."
Elster: "Sam Ryan. Used to work for me. Press Foreman. Fired him six months ago. He kept coming to me to bankroll his kooky scheme."
Angel: "Kooky scheme?"
Elster: "The guy's been a little bit off his nut ever since he lost his friend. Wanted me to pay some charlatan ghostbuster to clean out an abandoned rathole in midtown. He was convinced *vampires* were nesting there. Some people would take advantage of a guy like that."
Angel: "Yeah. (Holds up the check and rips it in two) Yeah." Starts to leave.
Elster: "Immortal creatures living in a rat infested building, guarding their treasure. Right."
Angel turning back: "Treasure?" Fred is putting some of the glass hunks together.
Fred: "There is a ascending and descending causation instantly proved by (the pieces stick together) - that! (Giggles) I think I'm on to something here."
Lorne: "Yeah, me too. Unfortunately it requires a vomitorium."
Fred: "Oh - I'm sorry. Lorne clicks to the Nahdrah watching Fred's progress. The Nahdrah points and clicks in answer.
Lorne: "I'll just go use the facilities. Keep up the good work." Lorne leaves as Fred slides another glass piece into place, causing the Nahdrah to hurry away. Lorne is walking up some stairs and turns down a gangway. He hears some soft whirring and clicking and turns the other way. He traces the sounds to a curtained off alcove. Parting one of the curtains slightly he sees a sick looking Nahdrah without a mask sitting in a chair, attended by several others. Lorne watches as one of the Nahdrahs turns a laptop so the big one in the chair (and Lorne) can see the screen. It shows a picture of Fred's head sliding over onto the shoulders of the guy sitting in the chair.
Subtitles: "She is solving the puzzle, sire. We have found a head worthy to rest upon your noble shoulders." The prince in the chair nods. Lorne turns away - only to get hit over the head with a metal bar from behind. Subtitles as we zoom in on the picture of Fred's head on the prince's body: "We will sew it on this very night." Break
[SCENE_BREAK]
Cordy is hopping up on her toes and dropping back down in front of Connor's bassinet. She gives up after a few tries and bends down to pick Connor up.
Cordy: "Hmm. Well, I figured it was a long shot. But I really can float, you know. Well, I did that one time during my last vision. Who-ee - somebody needs a change. (Puts him back down) But before that, believe me, there was no floating up piece of mind destiny to my visions. No there was just - killer pain. And unfortunately, that's not an exaggeration. They really were killing me. (She moves the tea tray and puts a cloth down) So, the Powers That Be put a little demon in me, and as far as side effects go (Picks Connor back up) The visions are a breeze now. (Puts him down on the cloth and starts to change him) I don't know what else might be in store. I'm keeping an eye out for horns and a tail. Wow. It just occurred to me what a weird life you're in for, little guy. Your aunt Cordy gets visions and your daddy is a... - Well, you won't see him aging whole lot, or catching surf and sun in Malibu. But he is a good man, a champion, and he loves you very much. Plus, he's quite the natty dresser. (The change done, she picks Connor up) And your daddy is out there right now fighting evil - for money." Sam Ryan walks into the vampires' nest and looks around. He picks up a watch off one of the dressers and looks at it. Angel grabs Sam's arm from behind and takes the watch away from him.
Sam: "Give it back."
Angel: "No, I think I earned it, don't you? What is it? Rolex?"
Sam: "Timex."
Angel: "Oh. (Twists Sam's arm a littleharder) What is it, really? Considering all the trouble you went through to get it, we both know it's not just a watch."
Sam: "That's true. It's not."
Angel: "Probably worth more than ten grand, too."
Sam: "A lot more."
Angel: "What's it do? Open a portal? Raise an army?"
Sam: "It glows in the dark. Probably about all of them do now. Looks like they cracked it when they took it off him. (Angel lets go of Sam and Sam turns to face him) I told him to let them have it, but - he wasn't about to give it up. It was the first thing I ever bought him."
Angel: "These vampires killed your friend."
Sam nodding: "Look. I'm sorry about what I did. I needed help. I didn't know what else to do."
Angel: "So you lied to me."
Sam: "I'm sorry."
Angel: "I didn't kill three vampires for nothing. Ten grand - that was the deal."
Sam: "Seven."
Angel: "Okay. Fine. I'll take seven."
Sam: "No, no, no. You said three vampires. There were seven." They both look around.
Angel: "Which would make four more."
Sam: "Four more."
Cordy bending over the bassinet: "You're gonna discover there's a lot of cool things in this world. (Holds up two handful of the Nahdrah's money with a big smile) Fifty grand - way up there on the list." Cordy goes to put the bills back into the suitcase with the other ones.
Cordy: "We're just gonna lock this up in the safe and... " The camera zooms in close as Cordy kind of freezes, a wide-eyed expression on her face.
Cordy: "Right after this vision." We get blurry shots of Fred solving the puzzle, of the prince and the laptop screen, then of a knife blade coming at Fred.
Cordy: "Oh god. Fred, don't solve that puzzle." Fred puts another piece of glass into place, smiling: "Shouldn't be long now."
Ally: "Do you guys know how much longer we're gonna be? I've got plans this evening."
Wes: "We've taken every precaution, secured every entrance..." We hear glass breaking and Gunn and Wes stand up, weapons at the ready.
Gunn: "With the possible exception of the skylight in the kitchen."
Brian walking in: "Ally! - Ally - baby, I just..." Ally flinches as Gunn hits Brian over the head with the baseball bat.
Wes: "Into the bedroom." Brian pushes Wes and Gunn away from him, as Ally runs for the bedroom. They pick themselves back up and Gunn clubs Brian again before they hurry after Ally. Cordy hangs up the phone.
Cordy: "Well. Your uncle Wes and uncle Gunn not picking up either. And your daddy, he doesn't know how to work his voicemail (Picks Connor up) or keep a promise. So we'll go down to the Marina, return the money and explain it was all just a big mistake." Cordy, holding Connor in one arm, picks up the money case with her free hand and heads out. Gunn and Wes are sliding a dresser in front of the bedroom door as Brian pounds on it.
Brian: "Ally, why won't you talk to me?"
Ally: "Because you're dead. Now, go away! (To Wes and Gunn) You know, I'm paying good money here. Can you please get rid of him?" Gunn and Wes try to brace the dresser, but it is slowly pushed back to the point where Brian and stick his head in through the crack in the door.
Brian: "Just give me another chance, baby. (Looks at Gunn and Wes) Who are these guys?"
Wes: "We are here to protect her from you, actually."
Brian: "Protection? (Lets out a deep breath and smiles at Ally) I thought you were dating them."
Ally: "You know, this is exactly why I broke up with you. You're suffocating me! Now, get lost!" Ally tries to help push the dresser. Gunn lifts his bat one handed and bashes at Brian's hand and head with it. They manage to shut the door. They all wait and listen for a moment, then Wes motions for Gunn to take a look as he slides the dresser back.
Wes: "What's he doing?"
Gunn: "Pouting."
Ally: "Okay. That's it." She walks past Gunn out into the living room, where Brian is sitting, hunched over.
Ally: "You know, this is so typical of you. You're all bluster and then you pout."
Brian: "I thought we had fun together."
Ally: "We did, but you're so - needy."
Brian: "Needy? Because I cared?"
Ally: "Caring didn't entitle you to read my diary, follow me to work..."
Brian: "I never... Okay, I read your diary once or twice. Does that give you a reason to poison me?" Ally notices Gunn and Wes looking at her.
Ally: "What? You're gonna believe everything a zombie says?"
Wes: "Are you saying *she* killed you?"
Brian: "I'd forgive her if she'd take me back."
Gunn: "You're kidding, right?"
Brian: "No. (To Ally) Baby, I've seen the guys you've been going out with. You're not having any fun! Come on. Lets give it another shot." Ally stays silent, just looking at Brian. Brian gets up, smiling.
Brian: "What do you say? Me and you?"
Ally, half smiling: "Eew, I-I can't. It's creepy."
Brian: "Come on. I miss you." Gunn shakes his head.
Ally: "Oh. I don't know. - Maybe I was a little - hasty." They grin at each other then hug. Gunn and Wes look at each other, as Brian gives Ally a kiss.
Wes, turning back: "Will that be cash or charge?" Sam is bracing his back against the door of the vampire nest as someone is pounding on it from outside.
Sam: "Alright. You're kidding me, right?" Angel, sitting on a table across the room: "Sorry. I don't get paid I can't fight."
Sam: "I don't think I can hold this by myself."
Angel: "Yeah. I see that."
Sam: "They're coming through."
Angel gets up: "Okay. You know what, I'll help barricade, but that's it." Angel leans his back against the door beside Sam.
Sam: "I'm sorry I lied to you. I shouldn't have."
Angel: "No. You did the wrong thing. But your heart was in the right place. Your motives were noble."
Sam: "Thank you."
Angel: "It's not as though I haven't been accused of nobility myself once or twice."
Sam: "Then you understand."
Angel: "Yeah. But being a champion is not all good deeds and happy endings. There's a lot that goes on behind the scenes. People don't seem to consider that." The thudding on the door gets harder.
Sam: "I think - I think we're in real trouble here."
Angel: "All right. Maybe we can work something out. You own a car?"
Sam: "The bank owns it."
Angel: "House?"
Sam: "I rent."
Angel: "How's your credit. Can you borrow?"
Sam: "I'm kind of out of a job. Spent all I had tracking these guys."
Angel: "I don't know what to tell you, Sam. I can't kill on deferment. Sets a precedent." Fred slides the last piece of the puzzle into place the glass pyramid she has formed lights up. The Nahdrahs around her click away in excitement. Fred takes off her glasses, a big smile on her face.
Fred: "Oh, it was nothing. (The Nahdrahs take a hold of her and pull her along) Oh. Are we going somewhere to celebrate? Say, has anyone seen my friend with the horns? He wasn't feeling so good and I'm a little worried about him." They enter another room and Fred sees Lorne lying tied up on the floor.
Fred: "And me now."
Lorne: "Yeah, I know. We're in a bit of a situation here." The Nahdrahs push Fred down in a chair across from their prince and close the clamps to hold her in place.
Fred: "Oh god. I don't have to marry him, do I?"
Lorne: "In fact, no. And that's something we can be grateful for."
Fred: "What are they gonna do?"
Lorne: "Well it seems the prince's head or heads, I should say, wear out every so often, and they uh..."
Fred: "Cut off someone else's and give him a new one?"
Lorne: "Uh, ah..." One of the Nahdrahs his holding a blade up.
Fred: "Lorne, help. Help!" A sharp whistle sounds and everyone turns to look at Cordy standing in the door, holding the money and Connor.
Cordy: "Hey! I'd just like a word here."
Lorne: "Oh-ho-ho, you guys are *so* gonna get your butts kicked!"
Cordy: "Lorne."
Lorne: "Sorry. I yield the floor to the person *not* tied up on it."
Cordy: "Translate. There's been a terrible misunderstanding. And I know you're men of honor and I know we can make a simple exchange - in a - a civilized manner." Cordy looks at Lorne and he starts to click away at the Nahdrahs. Cordy sets down the suitcase.
Cordy: "We return your gracious gift and you return Fred. Sorry about the confusion, but we kind of need her head at work."
Fred: "Firmly attached to her body."
Cordy: "That goes without saying. (Lorne is staring at her) Say it!"
Lorne: "Ah, uh..." Clicks away to the Nahdrahs, who answer back and raise their weapons.
Lorne: "I told them what they had to do, and told them what would happen if they didn't do it."
Cordy: "Lorne, we're in no position to be threatening these nice people."
Lorne: "Oh, sure we are. Angel, Wes, and Gunn can take 'em! Can't see them from down here. Where are they anyway?"
Cordy: "Out making money."
Lorne: "Oh. So, when I told the Nahdrahs that they were surrounded by killer warriors I was stretching the truth a little?"
Cordy: "Just enough to get us all killed." Cordy gives the Nahdrahs a big smile. Break Back at the vampire nest Angel steps away from the door.
Sam: "Uh, yeah, hello? What happened to the complimentary barricading?" Angel throws a chair up to break a window high up in the wall.
Angel: "It's gonna give. I'm getting you out of here. Lets go." Sam closes his eyes for a moment: "No. You go."
Angel: "What?"
Sam: "I'm not leaving. I can't."
Angel: "You think you can take on four vampires by yourself?"
Sam: "Probably not. But these things killed Jack. If I run now, I'll be running the rest of my life."
Angel rubs his eyes: "Yeah, that's noble, Sam, but do you really think that's what Jack would want?"
Sam: "No. I think Jack would probably wanna be here with me. But that's never gonna happen." Angel sighs and picks up a wooden chair leg. He goes over to the door and pulls Sam away from it, talking to him.
Angel: "You take on a job in good faith - you expect to be compensated. You provide the best service you can offer." The door behind Angel burst open and four vampires rush in. Angel stakes one of them without even looking around, throwing another to the side, never taking his eyes off Sam.
Angel: "A quality service. - But you know, there's overhead." The vamp in the doorway hesitates as Angel grabs another one and stakes it off hand, still ranting.
Angel: "There's rent, three phone lines, advertising, it adds up." The remaining vamps run as Angel pulls out the watch and throws it at Sam.
Angel: "Here." Angel starts to leave.
Sam: "Thank you. I can't even begin to express my..." Angel throws the chair leg to the side on his way out the door. We hear some beeping. Angel pulls out his phone.
Sam calling after him: "I owe you. - You're a real - champion."
Angel: "Yeah whatever. (To phone) Hello? (Beeping continues) Hello?!"
Sam: "Hey - I think - I think that's your voice mail."
Cordy: "Lorne - do these guys have groins?"
Fred: "Is that really important right now?"
Cordy: "Work with me here, kids."
Lorne: "I think so. I never knew one intimately." Cordy steps forward and kicks one of the Nahdrahs between the legs. We hear a metal clang, and Cordy hops back on one foot.
Cordy: "Oh. Ow! Ow! Ow!" Cordy hops backwards through the curtain, only to come back in, bracketed by Wes and Gunn, who proceed to attack the Nahdrahs. The Nahdrah standing next to Fred holds the sword blade against her throat and Fred begins to scream.
Cordy: "Fred! Help her!" Wes and Gunn pop up out of the fight: "Fred!" Gunn grabs a metal rod, while Wes grabs the suitcase, and hurl them. The rod knocks the Nahdrah with the sword backwards, away from Fred. The suitcase decapitates the prince before bursting open against the wall. All the fighting and screaming stops as the Nahdrahs stare at their headless prince.
Gunn: "Well, I guess you cut off the snake's head..." All the Nahdrahs start clicking and raise their weapons.
Wes: "You piss the other snakes off." Wes and Gunn go down under the assault. The skylight burst and Angel drops in on them joining the fight. Wes and Gunn are working on freeing Fred. There are Nahdrah bodies littering the floor.
Angel to Cordy: "I should have listened to you."
Cordy: "Well, yeah."
Angel takes Connor from her: "I should never have left you and the baby alone like that."
Cordy: "Well - yeah." Wes and Gunn help Fred up out of the chair.
Fred: "If you can keep your head when those about you are losing theirs guess you're pretty lucky. I could kiss you both." Wes and Gunn both move closer. Lorne clears his throat, and they all look down at him.
Lorne: "Uh, still tied up down here."
Fred: "Oh..." The three of them proceed to untie Lorne.
Lorne: "Yeah, come on. My hands are turning pink."
Angel: "Guys, can I say something? (Angel looks at the spilled money) Money's important but it - it isn't everything. - I got - I got carried away. - I just (looks down at Connor) I never had a life that was totally dependent on me before. (Looks at the money again) But that's no excuse. (To Cordy) Where was I?"
Cordy: "Money's not the most important."
Angel: "No, it's not. What's - important is (looks from Connor to the other) family - and the mission."
Cordy after a beat: "They tried to cut Fred's head off. We earned every penny."
Angel: "Hold the baby." Cordy takes Connor from Angel as everyone but her rushes over to the spilled money and starts to stuff it into their pockets.
Gunn: "Spending money..." Hyperion, night, Cordy is singing a lullaby.
Cordy: "Go to sleep, my baby peep..." She and Angel are falling asleep lying on top of Angel's bed with Connor in between them, feeding from a bottle.
Cordy: "I'm just saying a boat."
Angel: "No. College fund."
Cordy: "Yes. College fund - and pay our bills - and put a down payment on a boat."
Angel: "We're not getting a boat."
Cordy: "Hmm, they're fun."
Angel: "They're expensive. And when would I go on this boat, hmm?"
Cordy: "Moonlight sails. - Okay. - College fund - pay our bills - and rent a ski condo in Aspen."
Angel: "Ski condo?"
Cordy: "There's got to be some fun in our lives."
Angel: "Hmm - I like a ski condo."
Cordy: "Sure. Snow. Trees. Chipmunk robots on ice..."
Angel: "Chipmunk robots... - on ice..." | |
doc_309 | [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - LATE DAY]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY - LATE DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE - LATE DAY]
(People are eating at the local grille.)
(ELAINE ALCOTT walks out of the restroom.)
(HANK PEDDIGREW sits at a table.)
(Friends wave to each other from their tables in front of the large picture glass windows.)
(FRED LYCHOCK, the Restaurant Manager, smiles at the waiter. He turns and sees a car heading toward the restaurant at a fast speed. He stops smiling and watches the car.)
(The car doesn't stop at the light, nor does it turn. It continues through the intersection and straight for the windows. The Restaurant Manager takes note of it and watches the car approach the windows, helpless to do anything.)
(The waiter drops the tray he's carrying, his eyes fixed on the speeding car. The beer glasses hit the floor and shatters.)
(The car crosses the sidewalk and heads straight for the glass windows.)
(The car hits the windows and doesn't stop. The people sitting at the tables in front of the windows crash to the floor. The car plows through the windows, tables and people.)
(Patrons scream as they dive to get out of the way of the speeding car.)
(The car crashes through the establishments' tables. The waiter hits his head against the car's windshield, blood spattering across the glass.)
(The driver hits the car horn and it blares.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE -- NIGHT]
(The woman driver is slumped against the steering wheel. Fire personnel use a crowbar to get the door open.)
(It's raining outside. GRISSOM, SARA and CATHERINE walk in to the restaurant through the broken glass windows. Emergency personnel cart away survivors on gurneys. ELAINE ALCOTT is on the gurney, her neck in a brace, as it passes the CSIs.)
(BRASS speaks to someone on his cell phone as the CSI's make their way toward him.)
Brass: (to phone) Yeah, yeah. No. All right. Yeah, hold on, hold on. (puts phone aside) Happy hour. Joint was packed. Two fatalities, four critical.
(BRASS pushes his way past them. CATHERINE stops him.)
Catherine: How about the driver?
(BRASS turns around to answer her.)
Brass: Non-responsive.
(BRASS heads out. Behind, we hear HANK PEDDIGREW giving instructions.)
Hank Peddigrew: (b.g.) I've got a GCS of three. I need to intubate.
(SARA turns around and sees HANK working on an injured patron on a gurney.)
Catherine: (to GRISSOM) That's Sara's boyfriend.
Hank Peddigrew: (looks up) Hey, Sara. Typical Thursday.
(SARA looks around and notices his injury.)
Sara: Hank? Your wrist is broken.
(HANK looks down at his wrist as if noticing it for the first time. He stops trying to intubate the patron.)
Hank Peddigrew: Larry, take over, will you?
Larry: I got it, Hank.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Fireman gets the car door open with the crowbar.)
Grissom: The car's dry. This must've happened right before the rain.
(The Fireman checks out the old woman driver.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(HANK assists LARRY as he intubates the patron.)
Sara: What happened?
Hank Peddigrew: I was sitting at the table. Next thing I knew ...
Fireman: (b.g.) I got a heartbeat!
(HANK looks up and rushes to give aid. He hurries past SARA and heads for the car.)
Hank Peddigrew: Excuse me.
(He runs past CATHERINE and GRISSOM. They both watch him as he pushes the Fireman aside to check on the old woman driver.)
Catherine: Some happy hour, huh?
Grissom: I think happy hour's over.
HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE - NIGHT]
(It's dark and still raining outside. The EMT and other Personnel are still processing the scene.)
(GRISSOM is on his cell phone looking into the car. CATHERINE takes pictures.)
(LARRY is sitting down in front of HANK, attending to his broken wrist.)
Sara: (to LARRY) Mind if I take over?
Larry: No, go ahead.
(LARRY stands up and SARA takes his place. She sits in front of HANK and continues to tape up his wrist.)
Sara: You okay?
Hank Peddigrew: Yeah. I didn't think I'd see you tonight.
Sara: (smiling) So that's what all this is about.
Hank Peddigrew: Thanks.
Sara: Any time.
Hank Peddigrew: Listen, I got to head over to the hospital, and I'm sure you got to get back to work.
Sara: Yeah, but ... will you call me if you need anything? My cell will be on. Anything.
(SARA and HANK stand. HANK leaves. SARA turns around and walks toward GRISSOM.)
Grissom: You and Catherine are running the evidence on this. Warrick just got done with Internal Affairs. He's on his way.
Sara: Okay.
Grissom: You need to talk to the Restaurant Manager, too.
Sara: Anything else?
Grissom: No.
Sara: Where are you going?
Grissom: I got gas.
Sara: (nods, but is still confused) Oh.
(GRISSOM takes a step past SARA, stops, and explains over her shoulder.)
Grissom: Residential gas leak in Henderson.
(GRISSOM leaves. SARA heads for FRED LYCHOCK, The Restaurant Manager who is finishing up with a PARAMEDIC.)
Sara: Are you the Restaurant Manager?
Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): Yes.
Sara: I'm Sara Sidle, Crime Lab.
(SARA holds out her hand. FRED LYCHOCK gets to his feet and extends his hand to grab hers, but stops when he sees she's still wearing latex gloves.)
Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): Oh, hi. Fred Lychock. Ooh, sorry. Um ... your supervisor asked for a seating chart. (He unrolls the chart for SARA to look at.) Everything's computerized - software program. This here'll show you the number of people per table.
(SARA takes the chart and looks at it.)
Sara: Where were you during the crash?
Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): I was at the register, behind the bar.
Sara: Did you see anything?
Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): A blurry jaguar speeding through the intersection.
(Quick flashback to the car speeding head-on toward the glass windows. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): I thought the car would slow down, but it kept right on coming. If you ask me, that's the reason why old people don't belong behind the wheel.
Sara: Yeah, I didn't ask you. Thanks for your time.
(SARA walks away from FRED LYCHOCK and heads toward CATHERINE who is examining the car.)
Sara: I'm sorry. I got wrapped up in ...
Catherine: Hank.
Sara: Yeah. (SARA kneels and looks inside the car.) An old jaguar with a GPS unit. That's strange.
Catherine: Yeah, not your granny's oldsmobile.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS RESIDENTIAL AREA -- NIGHT]
Grissom (prelap): (V.O.) We're cleared to go in?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT./INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE -- NIGHT]
Lockwood: Yeah. Gas company shut off the valve at the street. Paramedics aired out the scene.
(LOCKWOOD escorts GRISSOM and NICK into the residence to the dead body.)
Nick: Homicide radioed in a D.B.?
Lockwood: Vanessa Arnz. She's in the master bedroom next to the son's room.
Grissom: Thanks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - HALLWAY/BEDROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM and NICK make their way toward the master bedroom where the dead body is located. They walk through the hallway.)
Grissom: The gas company spikes its natural gas with mercaptan - smells like rotten eggs.
Nick: I don't smell anything.
Grissom: All's I smell is mothballs and stale tobacco.
(NICK looks into the son's room.)
Nick: Science geek. (He looks back at GRISSOM and smiles.) Takes one to know one, I guess.
(He turns and they both head into the master bedroom.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM and NICK enter the master bedroom. On the bed is VANESSA ARNZ. DAVID PHILLIPS is already inside with the dead body.)
Grissom: Hello, David.
David Phillips: Hey. She's hot pink, like a maraschino.
Grissom: Makes our job easier.
David Phillips: Death was not the result of natural gas inhalation.
Grissom: No, but carbon monoxide's still gas.
Nick: Right, when carbon monoxide displaces oxygen in the blood, victim asphyxiates, turns ... pink.
(Quick flashback to: VANESSA ARNZ is sleeping and inhaling gas. Her skin slowly turns pink. End of flashback. Return to present.)
(NICK moves to get a closer look at the dead body.)
Grissom: Was Mr. Arnz in bed with her?
David Phillips: Uh, yeah. Paramedics said they found them both in here.
Grissom: So why is she dead and he's alive?
(NICK looks up at GRISSOM. DAVID turns and looks at NICK. NICK stands up and explains the answer to DAVID.)
Nick: You know, Dave, when I was a CSI-1, I would've tried to answer that, but now I know "where" before "why." First step, find the source of the C.O. I'll grab the nighthawk, fire it up.
(NICK leaves the room. GRISSOM looks down at the body. LOCKWOOD appears in the doorway.)
Lockwood: Mr. Arnz has been stabilized. They're preparing him for transport.
Grissom: I want to take a look at him.
David Phillips: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS]
(GRISSOM and LOCKWOOD question MR. ARNZ. The paramedics are still checking him out.)
Mr. Arnz: I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, if I get cold. Vanessa steals the covers. Uh, I woke up and my head was spinning. I think I'm coming down with something. Then I look over at her ...
(Quick flashback to: MR. and MRS. ARNZ is in bed. MR. ARNZ wakes up gasping. He reaches over to check on his wife.)
Mr. Arnz: Vanessa.
(He realizes that she's not breathing. He reaches for the phone and dials 911.)
Mr. Arnz: (to the OPERATOR) Tell them my wife isn't breathing.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Lockwood: Do you remember anything else?
Mr. Arnz: No, I don't remember hanging up the phone. I must've passed out. Next thing I know the paramedics are taking me out.
(GRISSOM turns and notices the young man leaning against the car in the garage. He presumes this is the son.)
Paramedic: We got to roll. Patient will be at Desert Palm.
Mr. Arnz: Wait a minute. What about my boy?
Paramedic: Peter seems fine. The kid's 18. Signed an AMA.
(GRISSOM heads toward PETER ARNZ to talk with him. He ducks under the crime tape and stops in front of PETER ARNZ.)
[INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - GARAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS]
Grissom: Peter ... my name's Gil Grissom. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab.
Peter Arnz: You want to ask me questions. I was in my bedroom, asleep. I heard the doorbell. It was the paramedics. A few minutes later, the police showed up.
Grissom: I'm very sorry about what happened to your mother.
Peter Arnz: Why are you sorry? You're not responsible. You didn't know her. You don't know me.
(Camera holds on GRISSOM.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY/WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT]
(SARA walks through the hallway. She passes by a young man sitting outside waiting. She stops in front of the GUARD standing outside the room of the old woman who drove the car.)
Sara: How's she doing?
Guard: Doctors are working on her right now. Doesn't look good.
(Looking inside the room, SARA notices the old woman in the hospital bed and the medical personnel working on her. She turns her head toward the young man sitting outside in the hallway.)
Sara: Relative?
Guard: Driver's been I.D.'d as Diane Lambert, that's her grandson Corey.
(SARA walks up to COREY LAMBERT.)
Sara: Hi, Corey? I'm, uh, Sara Sidle. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Mind if I ask you a couple questions?
Corey Lambert: I don't even know why she was in Las Vegas. We live in Laughlin. She hates it here.
Sara: Corey, um... did your grandmother own a Jaguar?
Corey Lambert: Yeah ... (sniffles) ... yeah, she won it in the, uh, quarter slots. First two coins and bingo. Triple stars.
Sara: She also win the GPS?
Corey Lambert: No. (beat) She hadn't been driving it much.
(SARA notices HANK in the waiting room kneeling in front of a woman in a wheelchair.)
Corey Lambert: Uh, she got lost a couple times and it scared her, so for her birthday last month, I bought her the unit.
Sara: (smiles) Can you excuse me for a second?
Corey Lambert: Yeah.
(SARA walks away from the young man and heads toward HANK in the waiting room. The nurse wheels the young woman away.)
Sara: Hey.
(HANK looks up and sees SARA. He stands up.)
Hank Peddigrew: Hey.
Sara: "And the EMT of the year award goes to ..."
Hank Peddigrew: Not me. Death toll's now three. Could climb to four. Elaine- - the girl in the wheelchair -- she's one of the lucky ones.
Sara: You were amazing.
Hank Peddigrew: Eight years in the rig, first time I've actually been a part of the scene. I can't stop it going through my head.
Sara: Yeah, you never know when your life's going to change.
Hank Peddigrew: Listen, I ... I got to get out of here.
(HANK moves to pass SARA. She grabs his hands to stop him.)
Sara: You need a lift?
Hank Peddigrew: No, I drove.
(HANK turns to leave. SARA stops him.)
Sara: Hank? (He turns around.) I'm really glad you're okay.
Hank Peddigrew: (smiles) Thanks.
(HANK turns and walks away. Camera holds on SARA watching HANK leave.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE - STREET -- NIGHT]
(WARRICK and CATHERINE do a walk through of the car route into the restaurant. They examine the street.)
Warrick: Plenty of tire treads, but nothing looks fresh.
Catherine: So you going to tell me how it went?
Warrick: I got called in by Internal Affairs. How do you think it went? Too many questions. (To the officer who lifts the crime tape up for them.) Thanks. (to CATHERINE) I wish I could've pleaded the fifth.
Catherine: Yeah, you don't answer their questions, you're looking at more days off without pay, and that blows.
Warrick: Yeah. (He looks up and sees something.) It's a red light camera. Did any of the witnesses see the driver run the red light?
Catherine: Nobody mentioned it, but the camera's there. Big brother knows.
Warrick: I'll put in a call.
(CATHERINE notices a dark puddle on the curb.)
Catherine: Motor oil.
Warrick: Now, that looks fresh.
(Quick flashback to: Camera close up of the curb as the car accelerates, hits it and leaves a puddle of motor oil behind. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: Hitting the curb could've caused the car to buck.
(CATHERINE turns around to look straight down the street.)
(Quick flashback to: A ghost of the car accelerates straight toward CATHERINE. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: Traffic light, intersection, curb. Well, either the car wasn't working, or the driver wasn't.
(WARRICK turns around and heads inside the restaurant. CATHERINE shines her flashlight on the ground and notices a void where something should be.)
Catherine: Looks like the newspaper dispenser used to be here.
(Quick flashback to: The speeding car jumps the curb and takes out the newspaper dispenser before crashing into the window. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
(Inside the restaurant, WARRICK notices something on the ground.)
Warrick: Catherine. (He points it out to CATHERINE.) Tire treads. That kills one theory. Car's brakes must've been working.
Catherine: She tried to stop, but it was too late.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT]
(DOC ROBBINS goes over the preliminary findings with SARA. They both stand over DIANE LAMBERT'S body.)
Robbins: Let me guess: No air bags in the vehicle.
Sara: No.
Robbins: Preliminary cause of death, epidural hematoma. Her head impacted the steering wheel.
(Quick flashback to: The car jerks to a stop and DIANE LAMBERT'S head hits the steering wheel. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Robbins: Blood accumulated between the inner table of the skull and the dural membrane.
(ROBBINS points to the impact wound on DIANE LAMBERT'S head. Camera zooms up close to the wound to the breakage in the scalp and hair. Camera zooms through the wound and into the brain where we see the artery. The artery break and blood leaks out.)
Robbins: (V.O.) Her injury is consistent with a severed middle meningeal artery.
(End of CGI POV. Resume to present.)
Sara: What about pre-impact? At the risk of feeding a stereotype, she was 72. Any indication of stroke, Alzheimer's, heart attack?
Robbins: I considered and dismissed all age-related factors. No arthritis, no significant impairment of her senses. She has had part of her colon removed, probably due to injury or prior medical condition, but Sara, it's irrelevant to your case. I found no physiological explanation for the crash.
Sara: Well, that's a bummer, 'cause at this point, we got no forensic one, either.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - MASTER BEDROOM -- NIGHT]
(Camera opens close up on the Nighthawk Carbon Monoxide Alarm that NICK is holding to check on the Carbon Monoxide levels in the bedroom. LOCKWOOD is with him. The detector beeps steadily.)
Nick: Carbon monoxide fills the air when any carbon-based substance is ignited. The kid checks out, so ... the point of ignition's probably this room.
Lockwood: Now, the two most common causes of accidental household CO poisonings are: unvented space heaters and improperly maintained chimneys. I don't see any heaters.
(Using the tip, NICK turns to look at the bedroom fireplace.)
Lockwood: (explains) My dad's a fireman. Last Christmas, he gave all the kids C.O. Detectors.
(Immediately, the beeping picks up.)
Nick: Would've saved this woman's life. 25 parts per million. That's the highest reading in the room.
(NICK puts his kit down, takes out his flashlight and checks out the fireplace closely.)
Nick: This is a natural gas burning fireplace. Burns clean. C.O. fumes should be minimal at best.
(In the back of the fireplace on the ground, he finds some black rocks.)
Nick: Foreign substance. Still warm.
(Camera zooms in to show a close up of the black rock.)
Nick: There was something other than natural gas burning in here.
Lockwood: If the gas company hadn't shut off the gas, whatever that is probably would have burned up.
Nick: Chimneys are designed to funnel smoke up and out ... if this fire was the source of the CO, the fumes should've traveled up the chimney instead of permeating the room.
Lockwood: Unless the chimney isn't doing its job.
(NICK reaches up and checks the chimney.)
Nick: Damper's busted.
(Quick CGI flashback to: The fire in the fireplace burns, the heat and fumes close the damper causing the fumes to funnel back into the room. End of CGI flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: Foreign fuel source in a compromised chimney ... I think we just ruled out accident.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- NIGHT]
(GREG exits his lab, crosses the hallway and enters the audio-visual lab where SARA'S working.)
Greg: Hey, I hear you're working on Hank's case.
Sara: I believe it's my case.
(Leans in and rests his elbows on the table next to SARA.)
Greg: Territorial. You know, guys don't like that.
Sara: You're crowding me, Greg.
Greg: Well, I have some information that could bring us even closer. (beat) (He stands up.) But you first. What are we looking at?
Sara: I downloaded the memory from the GPS in the jaguar. She wasn't a local; I wanted to see if she got lost.
Greg: Well, did she?
Sara: Diane Lambert lives in Laughlin.
(SARA stands up and heads to the large wall monitor)
Sara: Excuse me.
(Using her finger, she "draws" the path on the monitor.)
Sara: She took 95 North to Summerlin parkway. Then she took parkway to Rampart, made a left on main street and headed straight to Meadows Lane -- 16 North Meadows Lane. That's where she was going, and that's where she ended up.
Greg: So does that thing tell you why?
Sara: What do you have, Greg?
Greg: Well, maybe she had the "munchies". Tox screen came back. Mrs. Lambert tested positive for cannabis sativa.
Sara: Grass?
Greg: (laughing, enjoying himself) "Grass"? So '70s, man. Sticky green, the dank, the chronic, the cush, happy stick, wacky-tobaccy ...
Sara: Well, wait, wait, wait. Grandma was high?
Greg: (smiling) Yeah.
Sara: Grandma was high ...
(Putting two fingers to his lips as if taking a drag off of a joint, GREG inhales.)
Greg: ... as a kite.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY]
(SARA walks back into the Autopsy room. ROBBINS is working at the scope.)
Sara: Hey.
Robbins: Return visit, huh? You're here about the tox screen.
Sara: Yeah. Was Diane Lambert legally impaired?
Robbins: Less than two nanograms of THC, so per nida, she wasn't.
Sara: Oh. But if she were a long time user, her reaction time could've been slowed down, right?
(He lifts his head and stands up. They both head up to the morgue units.)
Robbins: I know where you're going. Let me stop you. THC has no significant cumulative effect, so maybe the question is: Why was a woman her age doping up?
(He opens the cabinet and pulls out the table with DIANE LAMBERT.)
Sara: Okay, why was a woman her age doping up?
(ROBBINS hands the scope to SARA.)
Robbins: Tell you what-check out her optic nerve.
(Quick CGI POV through the scope and down through the eye to show the nerve. End of CGI POV.)
Sara: Nerve's damaged. (SARA stands up and looks at ROBBINS.) She had glaucoma. I thought you said she was in good health.
Robbins: That was before the tox screen came back. You know, it's not standard procedure to check for glaucoma, but the mary jane tipped me off. People think it slows the progression of the disease, but it just reduces the pressure in the eye and that reduction's only temporary. Prescription medications do a much better job. (beat) Unfortunately, they don't have the same side effects.
Sara: Her vision could've been impaired by the glaucoma.
Robbins: (insistent) It didn't affect her driving. Sara, Diana Lambert has nothing more to tell you.
(ROBBINS covers DIANE LAMBERT up and pushes the table back into the cabinet.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB]
(CATHERINE is going through the seating chart up on the monitor. By touching the chairs, a DMV picture of the patron pops up on the monitor.)
(She presses the bartender position and the picture/information pops up for Taylor Ziegler of Paradise Valley, NV, the Checkerbox Bartender. She closes the pop up box.)
(She reaches over and presses the chair for one of the patrons. The picture/information pops up for Cameron Black from Trenton, NJ, deceased.)
(SARA walks into the lab.)
Sara: Hello.
Catherine: Oh, hey. So, I got photos of the restaurant patrons off the DMV database and input the information per the restaurant seating chart and the police report.
(As she speaks, CATHERINE presses the seats for several people one after the other, the last two being for HANK PEDDIGREW and for ELAINE ALCOTT from Henderson, NV; employer: Sillmont Healthcare.)
(CATHERINE turns to look at SARA.)
Catherine: Who's Elaine Alcott?
Sara: Who?
Catherine: Oh, well, she was seated with Hank. I just thought maybe that ... SARA: Oh.
(SARA leans in to the computer on the table and looks at the picture of ELAINE ALCOTT. She closes the pop up box for ELAINE and opens the box for HANK. She closes the pop up box for HANK and re-opens the box for ELAINE.)
Catherine: Anyway, um ... apparently, she told P.D. that she was returning from the ladies' room at the time of the impact.
Sara: They must be friends. I saw him with her at the hospital.
Catherine: Okay.
(CATHERINE looks down at her clipboard.)
Catherine: Um ... okay, so, we've got 36 people in the restaurant. Twelve worked for Sillmont Healthcare, a block away. Another ten were from the brokerage firm across the street, a couple of regulars, a few out-of-towners and restaurant employees.
(WARRICK walks into the lab.)
Warrick: Do you know how long it takes to get in touch with anybody at the transportation safety bureau? It's way out of hand. Diane Lambert ran the light.
(CATHERINE looks at the photo from the traffic light. The information on the photo is:
0.50 R009
008 V=52 ]
Catherine: Wow. She sped through that intersection -- 52 miles per hour.
Sara: That's more than twice the speed limit.
Warrick: Well, the tread marks tell us that her brakes did work, so it must've been something else that malfunctioned, causing her to accelerate.
Sara: Gas pedal could've gotten stuck, or ... throttle plate could've jammed.
Catherine: There's only one way to find out.
(SARA stands up to leave the lab.)
Sara: I'm on it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - GARAGE]
(SARA is on a dolly under the car. She examines the car.)
(Cut to SARA taking a sample from under the hood.)
(Dissolve to SARA checking the engine out.)
(Dissolve to SARA still checking the engine.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(WARRICK walks into the garage. SARA is standing on top of the ladder and looks at him. She has a large oil smudge under her left eye.)
Warrick: Hey. You have, uh ...
(WARRICK motions to SARA'S cheek. She rubs the area but doesn't get the smudge out. WARRICK waves it aside.)
Warrick: Don't worry about it. How's it going? You find anything?
Sara: No. Car checks out perfectly.
Warrick: Well, I did some more digging down at the TSB. I found out that the red light camera that photo'd our driver catches four times as many violators as any other camera in Vegas.
Sara: (thoughtfully) Intersection's dangerous. (beat) Could be a death trap.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(HODGES looks through the scope. NICK walks in to the lab. He stops next to HODGES.)
Hodges: I didn't page you.
Nick: No, I just figured I'd come by.
(HODGES picks up his things and puts them away.)
Hodges: You're checking up on me again.
Nick: No, I'm checking upon my evidence.
(NICK walks to the printer.)
Hodges: You think if you hover, the FTIR will work faster?
Nick: Yeah ... Hodges, that's what I think.
(GRISSOM walks into the lab reading a file. HODGES perks up and walks toward GRISSOM.)
Hodges: Hey, boss.
(The printer starts to print the results.)
Hodges: Nice timing.
(HODGES reaches out to grab the paper. NICK grabs the paper from him and looks at it.)
Nick: The foreign substance in the fireplace is carbon.
Grissom: Associated minerals?
Nick: None. Pure unadulterated carbon.
(NICK hands the results to GRISSOM to look at.)
Hodges: It may be pure, but it's not solid. Micro-pores. Sample's under the scope.
(NICK turns to move to the scope table, HODGES gets in his way and blocks his path. GRISSOM moves to the scope and looks at the sample inside.)
(NICK moves to stand next to GRISSOM. He casts a glance at HODGES.)
(Cut to scope view of the charcoal. At a higher magnification, he can see the pores in the rock.)
Grissom: Activated charcoal?
Nick: Used in filtration systems, kitty litter, some medications ...
(GRISSOM looks up.)
Grissom: ... and possibly a murder.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. INTERSECTION OUTSIDE THE CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE -- DAY]
(It's raining outside. SARA and WARRICK stand under the umbrella and look at the building.)
Warrick: The building has mirrored glass on it. Lets in the light, but it keeps out the glare.
(SARA turns around to look at the road and the trees behind them.)
Sara: Sun sets in the west behind us. Glare could be pretty intense in the afternoon. (WARRICK also turns to look. They both turn back to look at the building.) This could explain why this intersection is so dangerous.
Warrick: So you think the sun was a factor in the crash?
(SARA looks at her notes.)
Sara: Well, according to the accident report, the sun set at 5:30 yesterday.
Warrick: The accident was at 5:15, so the sun was still in the sky.
(SARA turns around to look at the trees behind them.)
Sara: Trees and buildings extend at least ten degrees above the western horizon.
Warrick: Yeah. (They turn to look at the building again while they figure it out.) All right, well, there's 24 hours in a day, 360 degrees in the earth's rotation. 360 divided by 24 is ... 15?
Sara: 15. Sun moves about 15 degrees an hour.
(SARA looks at the building and begins to visualize the path the sun took the day before.)
(The sunlight off of her face burns brighter as she visualizes the sun on a clear day.)
(Cut to: The building in front of them reflects the sun as it travels during the day. The sun slowly sinks to the horizon.)
(Cut to: SARA continues to visualize the sun setting. The sun traveling downward reflects off of her sunglasses.)
(Cut to: The sun continues to set and is reflected in the building's mirrored glass.)
(Cut to: The sun's light off of SARA's face returns back to normal as she figures it out.)
Sara: At 5:15 yesterday, the sun would've been about what -- 3.75 degrees above the horizon?
(WARRICK throws SARA a glance.)
Warrick: Wow, you're fast. 3.75, huh? (WARRICK glances behind him.) Then the sun was behind the trees at the time of the accident, so it was not a factor.
Sara: Great, and our investigation is still in the dark.
(SARA turns to look at WARRICK.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - DNA LAB]
(GREG sits at his lab table listening to rock music blaring from his tape machine. GRISSOM and NICK walk into the lab. GRISSOM turns the music off. GREG looks up.)
Grissom: I just got a page from James Watson.
Nick: And I got one Francis Crick. What's going on, Greg?
Greg: Well, as you both know ... Watson and Crick are the grand-daddies of DNA. Without their discoveries, I'd have nothing to do all day.
Nick: What have you been doing all day?
Greg: A tox report on your D.B., Ms. Pretty in pink. She died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Blood saturation level of 46.2%. No surprise there. Nicotine levels are high -- she was a smoker. And she popped a couple of sleeping pills that night.
Grissom: Nothing probative.
Greg: What if I told you that Mr. Arnz had a carbon monoxide blood saturation level of 37% -- nearly 10% lower than his wife.
Grissom: Mrs. Arnz was a smoker. Typically, a smoker's blood is already 10% saturated with C.O.
Nick: You mean smokers get a jump start on the poisoning process? Could explain the 10% difference. It could also explain why he lived and she died.
Greg: Nice theory, but what if I told you that Mr. Arnz had high nicotine levels as well.
Nick: They were both smokers.
Grissom: That still doesn't explain why one lived and one died.
Greg: Well, I don't know if this is going to help, but the sleeping pills are zolpidem. Prescription only. I thought I'd save you some time, talked to Lockwood. She didn't have a prescription, but her husband does.
Grissom: Thanks, Greg.
(GRISSOM and NICK turn to leave the lab. NICK turns the tape recorder back on before he leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- DAY]
(CATHERINE works on the computers on which she duplicates the car crashing through the restaurant scenario. SARA walks in.)
Catherine: Hey, check this out. The red light camera clocked her speed at 52 miles per hour, right?
Sara: Mm-hmm.
Catherine: The computer software pegged her at 60 by the time she hits the newspaper dispenser. She accelerated into the building.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY]
(SARA and ROBBINS walks into the autopsy room.)
Robbins: You already reviewed the driver's tox screen. Now you want her basic blood panel.
Sara: I'm running with a hunch.
Robbins: Let's go.
(He hands her the file with the test results. The report reads that acetylocholine levels are low at 11.8; and epinephrine was high at 147.)
Sara: Acetylcholine levels were low, epinephrine was high.
Robbins: Why are you focused on those hormones?
Sara: Kamikaze pilots, World War II -- their blood work was very unusual. Acetylcholine was low; epinephrine was through the roof.
Robbins: Well, you're talking about the sympathetic response to stress-eyes dialate, heart rate goes up, hormones go haywire.
Sara: Diane Lambert lived two hours away. If she drove her car into Vegas with the intention of using it as a murder weapon, I imagine she would be pretty stressed out.
Robbins: Kamikaze granny.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. STORE -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and NICK walk into the ARNZ' store. The door bell jingles when they open the front door.)
(GRISSOM looks for and finds PETER ARNZ sitting at the desk reading a book.)
Grissom: Isaac Asimov-- one of my favorite writers. "If knowledge can create problems, then it is not through ignorance that we will solve them."
Peter Arnz: Is that what you're doing here? Solving problems?
Grissom: It's my job to figure out what happened to your mother.
(PETER ARNZ dog ears the book he's reading, closes the book and turns his full attention to GRISSOM.)
Peter Arnz: Scientists derive satisfaction from figuring out the puzzle. It's about the quest ... not the grail.
(GRISSOM picks up the book in front of him by Isaac Asimov.)
Peter Arnz: Asimov believed that only scientists could understand the universe. His corollary: "It's not so much that I have confidence in scientists being right ..."
Grissom: ... "but that I have so much confidence in non-scientists being wrong." You a scientist?
Peter Arnz: Yeah. I am.
Mr. Arnz: Peter? The boxes won't unload themselves.
(GRISSOM turns to glance back at MR. ARNZ. PETER stands up to unload the boxes. GRISSOM turns back to look at MR. ARNZ.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. STORE -- DAY]
(NICK and GRISSOM question MR. ARNZ.)
Mr. Arnz: Peter and I were hoping to get back into the house tonight.
Nick: Well, not tonight, sir. It's still an active crime scene. Our lab found zolpidem in your wife's system -- 20 milligrams. That's twice the recommended dosage. Do you know anything about that?
Mr. Arnz: Well ... Vanessa was having trouble sleeping.
Grissom: The, uh, prescription is in your name.
Mr. Arnz: Are you accusing me of something?
Grissom: No. We're just telling you what we know.
(MR. ARNZ looks around and sighs.)
Mr. Arnz: Look, uh ... ever since this discount chain opened a branch down the block, I've been working 16-hour days just trying to survive. And I'd go home and Vanessa would come at me.
(Quick flashback to: VANESSA ARNZ sitting up in bed and talking to MR. ARNZ' back.)
Vanessa Arnz: You're always tired. You never talk to me. Y-you need to communicate with me. You know, I have needs. I'm here all day long. You never talk to me.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Mr. Arnz: She'd just go on and on and on talking. And when she'd finally let me get to sleep, she'd want what every woman wants. I-I don't mean just s*x. She'd want to talk and talk. (sighs) Next thing you know, it's 5:00 A.M., The alarm is screaming at me, and I got to go back to work.
Nick: So you drugged your wife to get some shut-eye?
Mr. Arnz: Yeah. I put it in her ice cream. I know it was wrong, but ...
Nick: It's also illegal.
Mr. Arnz: Yeah. Happened as an accident the first time. See, I got a problem swallowing pills, so I crush them up in the ice cream. One night, she grabbed the wrong bowl and was out like a light. Best night's sleep I'd had in a long time. Well, if you ... you got nothing else you want to ask, I got things I got to do.
Grissom: I have one more question. When did you quit smoking? I noticed the, uh, nicotine patch on your arm.
(GRISSOM points to the patch on MR. ARNZ' left upper arm.)
Mr. Arnz: Oh, uh, about three weeks. Doctor's orders. I got high blood pressure.
Nick: I have another question. Did you know the damper on your chimney was busted?
Mr. Arnz: Why, did this have something to do with my wife's death? I mean, I asked Peter if he'd ... (sighs) is this my fault?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(SARA and CATHERINE make their way to the audio/visual lab.)
Sara: If the crash was intentional, I'm thinking either the restaurant was the target or someone inside the restaurant.
Catherine: I'll call Brass. If Lambert had a grudge against the place, somebody there should know her.
[INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB - DAY - CONTINUOUS]
Sara: If she was gunning for someone specific, there's a lot of variables. Maybe we should start with the most obvious targets -- the people sitting in the window.
Catherine: Let's run it.
(CATHERINE and SARA stand in front of the wall monitor with the seating chart loaded.)
Catherine: Okay ... top to bottom. (CATHERINE opens the first box.) Cameron Black, deceased; from Jersey. First time in Vegas. Unlikely mark.
(SARA reaches up and closes the box. She checks the identities of the people sitting at the second table.)
Sara: Second table: Rachel Krandall, and ... Tom Krandall. Both died at the scene. Both worked for Sillmont Healthcare.
Catherine: Table three: Hank and ... Elaine Alcott. Also works at the insurance company.
Sara: Three out of five of the people sitting in the window work at Sillmont Healthcare. Maybe I should go talk to her.
Catherine: (nods quietly) Yeah. Maybe you should.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ALCOTT RESIDENCE -- DAY]
(Camera opens on a file picture of DIANE LAMBERT.)
Elaine Alcott: (o.s.) I'm sorry, I don't recognize her.
(SARA is interviewing ELAINE ALCOTT.)
Sara: Well, uh, could she be one of your policy holders?
Elaine Alcott: It's possible. I oversee hundreds of members' accounts. I can check my list.
Sara: That'd be great.
(ELAINE stands up from the table and checks her laptop.)
Elaine Alcott: I wish I had some more time off, but with Tom Krandall gone and half my department in the hospital ... I'm back at the office tomorrow. Let's see ... Diane Lambert.
(As ELAINE checks the database, SARA notices a small framed photograph of ELAINE and HANK on the table. SARA picks it up. ELAINE notices the movement and smiles.)
Elaine Alcott: (smiling) My boyfriend. Saved up my miles and took him to Hawaii last year. He's going to take me to Tahiti in a few weeks. I can't wait. (SARA puts the picture down.) Ms. Lambert isn't on my list. But if you want, I can go on the company database.
Sara: (upset and trying not to show it) Thank you. Um, I-I have to get back to the lab. Um, maybe you could call me.
(SARA holds out her business card. ELAINE takes it.)
Elaine Alcott: Okay.
(SARA stands up and leaves.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS RESIDENTIAL AREA (STOCK) - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - HALLWAY/PETER'S ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM walks through the hallway straight up to PETER ARNZ' room. He kneels and looks at the fishtank in the room. He opens the fishtank cover, rolls up his sleeve and takes out the filter. He looks at the filer. He puts it back inside the tank.)
(PETER ARNZ appears in the hallway and walks up to GRISSOM.)
Grissom: You're not supposed to be in here.
Peter Arnz: It's my home.
Grissom: Well, perhaps you didn't see the crime scene tape.
Peter Arnz: Do I look stupid to you?
Grissom: On the contrary. I heard you have an almost perfect 4.0 GPA. With the exception of a "B" in English. Our detectives do complete background searches on all the principles at a crime scene. I understand you threatened your English teacher.
Peter Arnz: I have to feed my fish.
(PETER steps up to the fishtank.)
Peter Arnz: Clown loaches, tetras, angelfish.
(PETER opens the fish foot container.)
Grissom: (looking at PETER) You might want to check your filter, too. You're out of charcoal.
(PETER turns to look at GRISSOM.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY]
(GRISSOM and NICK question PETER ARNZ.)
Grissom: In 1939, Isaac Asimov was an undergraduate studying zoology. As part of a course requirement, the students were asked to find a stray cat, kill it and dissect it. Isaac found his cat, he killed it, and then he promptly dropped out of zoology. Fifty years later, he wrote that the memory of killing that cat still haunted him.
Peter Arnz: Do you have a question for me?
Grissom: Yeah, I do. Why didn't you fix the chimney damper in your parents' bedroom?
Peter Arnz: Why would I?
Nick: You told your father you fixed it.
Peter Arnz: So he'd quit bugging me. And if you're accusing me of disobeying a man with only a tenth-grade education, then you're right.
Nick: We know you took advantage of the broken damper. Placed activated charcoal from your fish tank filter in the back of the fireplace...
(Quick flashback to: PETER ARNZ dropping the charcoal into the back of the fireplace.)
Nick: (V.O.) ... then waited for your father to do what he does every night.
(Cut to: MR. ARNZ lighting up the fireplace while VANESSA ARNZ eats her ice cream in bed.)
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Nick: You killed your mother. You almost killed your father.
Peter Arnz: That's good science fiction.
Nick: Well, you thought the charcoal would burn up, destroying any evidence of the crime, but your father woke up, called 911.
Grissom: (thoughtfully) Nick, at what point is the saturation level of carbon monoxide in the bloodstream lethal?
Nick: Approximately 45, 50%.
Grissom: (nods) Mmm. Well, his mother's level was in the range, but his father's level was low.
(PETER ARNZ is fascinated by the level of intellectual bantering going on between NICK and GRISSOM in front of him.)
Nick: Yeah, but two people exposed to the same level of carbon monoxide for the same period of time, their C.O. saturation levels should be approximate.
Peter Arnz: (interjects) As long as the variables are consistent -- body mass, health, age.
Grissom: What about smoking?
Peter Arnz: Of course.
Nick: Three weeks ago, your father quit.
(PETER ARNZ gives them a blank look. He doesn't respond. GRISSOM picks up on it immediately.)
Grissom: Yeah, we didn't know he'd quit, either. The nicotine levels in his system were high but when we went to speak with him, he was wearing a nicotine patch.
Nick: The patch delivers nicotine to the blood, but since your father quit smoking cigarettes, his C.O. saturation level returned to zero.
Grissom: You made a basic scientific mistake, Peter. You stopped observing the human element because you thought it was inferior.
Nick: What I don't understand is why. Man, why would you want to kill your parents? Your high school told us you were accepted to Princeton, early action. A few more months, you would've been 2,000 miles away. Whatever your parents did to piss you off wouldn't have mattered.
(GRISSOM thinks about it.)
Grissom: I know why. They weren't going to let you go, were they?
(He swallows.)
Peter Arnz: (quietly) They refused to pay for it. I don't qualify for financial aid because my father makes too much money. Not enough money to live well, but enough to destroy my dreams.
Nick: So with your parents gone, you could sell the business and pay your tuition.
Peter Arnz: You figured out the puzzle. Must be very gratifying.
Grissom: Science isn't about the gratification, Peter. It's about the truth.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- LAB]
(SARA walks into the lab. CATHERINE is already there.)
Sara: Hey.
Catherine: Hey.
(SARA sits down and opens the file in front of her.)
Catherine: So, how did it go with Elaine Alcott?
Sara: She didn't have anything to add to the investigation.
(BRASS walks into the lab.)
Brass: Hey, how's it going? Here are the phone records from the driver of the vehicle that you asked for. You know, there may be something to that kamikaze grandma theory of yours. Last week, Diane Lambert closed out her bank accounts, paid off her credit cards, and updated her will.
Catherine: Well, that's certainly more evidence to suggest that her actions were intentional.
Sara: There's only one Vegas phone number on this statement and the prior statement. There's got to be 80 calls here to the same number.
Catherine: Dial the number.
(SARA picks up the speaker phone and dials the number. The phone rings.)
Operator: (from phone) Sillmont Healthcare. How can I direct your call?
Sara: What's your address?
Operator: (from phone) 16 South Meadows Lane.
Sara: Thank you.
(The Operator hangs up.)
Catherine: Right. The Checkerbox is at 16 North Meadows.
Brass: I don't think that's a coincidence.
Sara: If Sillmont Healthcare was the intended target, how did she end up at the Checkerbox?
Brass: Well, I'll tell you what happened to me. Last week, I was driving to a crime scene in the car and the GPS said go right. Had I done so, I'd be coughing up fish from the bottom of Lake Mead.
Catherine: Well, GPS is hardly perfect. Maybe north was a directional default.
Brass: Or maybe she put in the wrong address.
Sara: Either way ... it does leave one question: Why was Diane Lambert so angry?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. SILLMONT HEALTHCARE - OFFICE -- DAY]
(ELAINE ALCOTT closes the office door. CATHERINE and SARA interviews ELAINE ALCOTT and her manager.)
Elaine Alcott: Mrs. Lambert was a member of our HMO. I was, uh, going to call you.
(ELAINE takes a seat at the table. She and SARA both eye each other warily.)
Catherine: Well, did she have some kind of problem with her policy?
Manager: Not to our knowledge.
Sara: Then you won't mind if we take a look at her file.
Manager: I'm sorry, member files are confidential.
Catherine: Well, this member is deceased. Not even the doctor-patient privilege extends postmortem.
(ELAINE picks up the file and hands it to SARA. Again, they eye each other warily. SARA takes the file and looks through it.)
Sara: Mrs. Lambert had colon cancer.
Manager: If you read further, you'll see that it was in remission.
Sara: No, actually, her most recent cat scan shows recurrence two months ago. That's about the same time she started calling your office two times a day. Why would she be calling you?
(The Manager doesn't answer. CATHERINE looks over at ELAINE ALCOTT who doesn't meet her eyes.)
Catherine: (disgusted) You know what? Four people are dead. Don't waste our time. We can take this downtown.
Elaine Alcott: Mrs. Lambert's oncologist recommended immediate and aggressive treatment.
Sara: Did treatment commence?
Elaine Alcott: The recommendation was pending.
Catherine: Well, what exactly does that mean?
Manager: Not yet approved, not yet denied.
(Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT determined behind the steering wheel of her car. The car is accelerating. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: In other words, Mrs. Lambert's health was in limbo. She wasn't receiving treatment, but she couldn't file an appeal, since you hadn't officially denied her claim.
Manager: The authorization process takes ... it takes time.
(Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT anguished behind the steering wheel of her car. The car is accelerating. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: Time Mrs. Lambert didn't have.
Manager: We have a procedure, and we follow it.
(Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT gripping the steering wheel. Cut to: DIANE LAMBERT crying as the car accelerates. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: .... and while you were following your "procedure", and postponing a decision, her cancer cells were multiplying.
Sara: What were you, playing the odds? Were you hoping she would die before you had to spend a dime?
Manager: We're not liable here. We're not responsible for Mrs. Lambert's actions.
(CATHERINE looks down and shakes her head.)
(Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT in her car driving it through the glass windows of the Checkerbox Bar and Grille.)
(Cut to: The car crashes through the window and into the patrons inside. End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Catherine: For what it's worth, that makes me sick.
(Camera holds on the Manager looking at CATHERINE.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. CSI -- HALLWAY -- DAY]
(SARA exits the lab and walks through the hallway. She takes off her latex gloves and goes looking for CATHERINE. CATHERINE walks out of the locker room with her bag over her shoulder.)
Sara: Catherine.
Catherine: Yeah.
Sara: We missed something.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY]
(SARA and CATHERINE interviews COREY LAMBERT.)
Sara: Corey, when I was reviewing your grandmother's insurance policy, I noticed she that didn't specify an e-mail address, and that got me thinking. Some people her age aren't technologically savvy. Maybe a GPS device would be intimidating to her. I wondered if she actually even knew how to use it. So I printed the unit and I found your fingerprints on it.
Corey Lambert: I installed it.
Sara: The prints just weren't on the base of the unit, they were on the face. You punched in addresses.
(COREY LAMBERT shakes his head. He's confused by the line of thought. CATHERINE explains.)
Catherine: If you were aware of your grandmother's intentions and programmed the GPS, you're guilty of aiding and abetting in the murder of three people.
(COREY shakes his head as this sinks in.)
Corey Lambert: Oh, god. Uh ... last week, she came by my place 'cause she said she didn't know how to work the GPS.
(Quick flashback to: COREY LAMBERT showing his grandmother how to work the unit. He punches in an address as an example.)
Corey Lambert: Okay, grandma, look, it's really easy. I'll explain it to you again. You just type in the address of where you want to go.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Corey Lambert: Look, I swear, if I had known what she was planning, I would've stopped her.
Catherine: Uh ... well ... Corey, homicide has informed us that your grandmother had a life insurance policy, in which you're the sole beneficiary.
Corey Lambert: (shakes his head) I had no idea.
Sara: She never mentioned it to you?
Corey Lambert: (immediately) No! (Thinks about it for a moment.) No, no, wait.
(Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT sitting in her car and pleading to her grandson.)
Diane Lambert: Promise me.
Corey Lambert: Okay, fine. When I can afford it, I'll go back to college.
Diane Lambert: You should have a degree.
Corey Lambert: Grandma, I promise.
Diane Lambert: I love you. You're such a good boy.
Corey Lambert: I love you, too.
(End of flashback. Resume to present.)
Sara: Your grandmother's death has been ruled a suicide, which nullifies the policy. There's not going to be any money.
Corey Lambert: No ... look, I don't think you understand. I loved my grandmother, and she's dead. She killed herself, and she killed these three other people. (crying) What are you telling me? She killed these people for me? And I'm supposed to live with this?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY]
(CATHERINE and SARA exit the room. HANK is waiting for SARA in the hallway.)
Catherine: (to SARA) I'll meet you at the car.
(CATHERINE walks out the hallway. HANK turns to talk with SARA.)
Hank Peddigrew: I called the lab. They said you were here. (swallows) I heard you met Elaine.
Sara: Yeah, she's really something. (pause) I didn't tell her about us, if that's what you're wondering.
Hank Peddigrew: I'm really sorry, Sara.
Sara: (nods) Yeah, me, too.
Hank Peddigrew: I don't know what else to say.
Sara: I'll see you around.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY -- CONTINUOUS]
(SARA walks out of the police department.)
Lyric:
["Wild Horses", The Sundays] Childhood living / is easy to do / the things that you wanted / I bought them for you ...
(She walks to the car, opens the door and gets inside. CATHERINE watches SARA.)
Lyric: ... graceless lady ...
Catherine: (quietly) You got plans?
Sara: Nope.
Lyric: ... You know who I am...
Catherine: You want to get a beer?
(SARA turns to look at CATHERINE. CATHERINE smiles. She's been there. SARA turns and looks straight ahead. She smiles a bit.)
Sara: Drive.
(CATHERINE starts the engine and they leave.)
Lyric: ... And wild horses couldn't drag me away... | |
doc_310 | Barney's Office
Ted from 2030: Kids, as you know, I was designing Goliath National Bank's new headquarters on the site of this old hotel, The Arcadian. Problem was, some people didn't want The Arcadian torn down. Even bigger problem, they were led by my girlfriend Zoey.
(Outside, Zoey and her supporters are protesting)
Crowd: G-N-B is the e-ne-my!
Zoey: (She sees Ted at the window) Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on! Hey, sweetie! Are we still on for dinner at 8:00 at Valenzisi's? That's great! I can't wait!
Crowd: That's great. I can't wait! That's great. I can't wait!
Ted from 2030: But somehow, Zoey and I were making it work.
At the Bar
Barney: Ted, why are you dating our arch-enemy?! I mean, Wile E. Coyote wasn't trying to sleep with the Roadrunner.
Robin: Or maybe he was. Think about it. The way that she bats her eyelashes and shakes her tail feathers in his face? (chuckles) She wants it.
Lily: Isn't it hard for you guys to be on opposite sides of something like this?
Ted: Of course you feel that way, Lily. You and Marshall have basically melded into one big hermaphroditic blob. And that's fine for you guys. But some of us want a partner who challenges us to grow and evolve.
Lily: You guys are in screaming matches all the time.
Ted: Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Growing matches.
Ted from 2030: It was true. Zoey and I loved to challenge each other.
[FLASHBACKS]
(Ted and Zoey are watching the TV)
Ted: The main character is a young spoiled prince thrust into leadership after the death of his father. It's obviously a modern-day retelling of Henry IV!
Zoey:Are you kidding me?! It's Don Quixote...the classic quest story with the hero-jester and his long-suffering manservant!
Ted: Okay, clearly, when we're watching Tommy Boy, we're watching two different movies.
(Later, Ted is on the phone with Zoey)
Ted: No, you hang up.
Zoey: No, you hang up.
Ted: No, you hang up.
Zoey: No, you hang up.
Ted: No, you hang up! (Later) No, you hang up.
Zoey: No, you hang up.
Ted: No, you... (His phone starts beeping) Hold on. (beep) Hello?
Robin: For the love of God, will one of you idiots hang up the phone?
Ted: Why would you do that?!
Zoey:I-I thought you'd like it.
Ted: Who likes that? Zoey:I like it.
Lily: Your relationship sounds exhausting.
Ted: Well, maybe yours is a bit lazy.
Lily: Marshall and I have been together 15 years, and the only debate we've had about Tommy Boy is whether it's awesome or super awesome. That's love, bitch.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: Now around this time, Marshall had truly come to hate his job. He hated the paperwork. He hated the coffee. He hated the dirty jokes. He hated everything.
At the Bar
Marshall: I have to quit.
Barney: Quit GNB?! Why?
Marshall: I need to do better things with my life, okay? There's-There's an opening for an environmental lawyer at the National Resources Defense Council. Sure, it pays less, but I'd be saving the oceans, saving endangered species...
Barney: Saving chicken bones and an old boot to make hobo soup? Marshall, you can't pay your mortgage with Hacky Sacks and good vibes.
Lily: Baby, you have my full support.
Barney: Well, then, you're not going to be able to pay for that trip to Spain that you've been planning. (Barney snickers) Say good-bye to riding around in gondolas, and eating bratwurst and seeing the pyramids.
Robin:I don't think you know what Spain is.
Barney: Well, I know that a trip there costs some serious lira.
Ted: It's dinero.
Barney: Where? I want his autograph!
Ted from 2030: So Marshall walked in the next morning all ready to quit. But then something weird happened. Suddenly, he didn't hate the paperwork. He didn't hate the coffee. He didn't even hate the dirty jokes. Out of nowhere, Marshall actually liked GNB.
Robin: It's graduation goggles.
Marshall: What? Robin:Graduation goggles, like with high school. It's four years of bullies making fun of all the kids with braces, even after the braces come off and they can walk just fine. But then, on graduation day, you suddenly get all misty because you realize you're never going to see those jerks again. I just had graduation goggles with that guy Scooby I dated.
Lily: The guy who was basically a dog? Robin:He was the worst kisser I've ever been with. But the moment I decided to dump him...I suddenly got kind of wistful. (as speaking to a dog): He was a good boy.
Barney: Yeah. I've been there, too. Every time I'm done having s*x with a woman, at first,I never want to see her again. No, that's pretty much it. Robin:The point is, you can't trust graduation goggles. They're just as misleading as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles, and that's-just-a-bulky, outdated-cell-phone in-his-front-pocket goggles. That one was a bummer.
Marshall: You're right. Tomorrow, I'm quitting GNB.
Barney: No! You can't quit tomorrow! The lady with the big nipples is coming back to give another sexual harassment seminar, and I bribed one of the maintenance guys to keep the room at a brisk 55 degrees!
Lily: Baby, more than ever, you have my full support. (Lily and Marshall kisses)
Zoey and Ted are in bed, in Ted's appartment / Lily and Marshall are in bed in their appartment / Barney is in bed with a girl in his appartment
Ted: You know, sometimes I feel bad for Lily and Marshall.
Lily: I'm starting to feel bad for Ted and Zoey.
Barney: It starts with an... "L?"
Girl: How can you not remember my name?
Ted: It's like they never challenge each other. They just automatically agree all the time.
Zoey: Well, they don't do that all the time.
Ted:Yes, they do.
Zoey: No, they don't. Ted:Yes, they do. It's like they... Lily and Marshall:... don't see eye-to-eye on anything! Totally.
Girl: It rhymes with your name.
Barney: And I said my name was...?
At Lily and MArshall's appartment
(Marshall comes in)
Marshall: Baby, I did it! I quit. And then I walked right over to the NRDC, and I took that job.
Lily: Oh, good for you, sweetie.
Marshall: Yeah. It's a little less money than I was expecting. I mean, compared to what I was making at GNB, it's nothing. Actually compared to anything, it's nothing. It's nothing. The paid position just got filled, so all I can do is-is volunteer right now. You're cool with that, right?
Lily: Baby, if this is what you need to do, we'll figure it out. How's Barney handling you leaving?
In Barney's office
(Barney is burning a photo of Marshall; Ted enters)
Ted: Hey, Barney, there's a bunch of models in the lobby, and the gossip is one of them is really a dude. You want to play "Who's Hot and Who's Scott?"
Barney: It's always the one in the turtleneck, Ted. And no, I don't want to play. Stupid Marshall-... ruined everything.
Ted: Oh, come on. Everything's not ruined.
(A man enters)
Man: Guys, everything's ruined.
Ted: What? Why?
Man: Your girlfriend somehow got the Landmark Preservation Committee to agree to a hearing. If they declare the Arcadian a landmark, the whole project is dead. The good news is, I just got the phone number of a husky-voiced hottie in a turtleneck.
(The man leaves the room)
At the Bar
Robin:...so, if the Landmarks Preservation Committee sides with Zoey, your whole project goes down the tubes? You must be furious.
Ted: I'm furiously enjoying being challenged.
Lily: Why don't you admit that your girlfriend challenging your every move is getting you a little murder-suicidey?
Ted: Why don't you admit that Marshall quitting his job and taking an unpaid internship is killing you?
Lily: It's not.
Ted: Lily, the downside to having giant, Japanese anime eyes is that they're easy to read. And yours are screaming, "What about my trip to Spain, deadbeat?"
Lily: Okay, Ted, the downside to having a woman's mouth is, your feminine pout gives away your true feelings. And yours is saying, "Oh, Zoey, why can't I be on top just this once?"
Ted: We take turns! Sometimes.
(Marshall comes in)
Marshall: Hey, guys. Thanks. Hey. I just had the best first day at the NRDC.
(Barney starts laughing)
Barney: I'm sorry. Sorry. Something Hershel said at work today.
Robin: Hershel?
Barney: What, don't you guys know Hershel? Didn't I tell you? Oh, he's the new lawyer who replaced Marshall at GNB. He is so awesome and funny and tall... taller than Marshall... and he knows way more laws.
Lily: Well, I'm glad you like your new co-worker.
Barney: There's no Hershel! I was just saying that to make you jealous! Why do you insist we play these games?
Marshall: Barney, I'm not playing...
Barney: Just come back to GNB already!
Marshall: I'm really loving my new job.
Lily: Oh, and I'm loving seeing you this happy.
Marshall: I'm so glad to hear you say that because I volunteered our apartment for a big NRDC fund-raiser tomorrow night. You're-You're cool with that, right?
Lily: Baby, you have my full support.
Marshall: Thanks, baby. (phone chirps) Oh. Ooh, I gotta go. The invitations are ready. The party's for a bunch of environmentalists, so I found a guy downtown who makes biodegradable party invitations that can also be used as toilet paper.
(Marshall leaves)
Barney: That's how I'm gonna use mine.
Robin: Why in the world do you care so much whether Marshall works at GNB?
Barney: Care? I don't care. I'm like, whatever. Marshall who? He's stupid. Hershel's way better.
Robin:Okay, Barney, is it possible that with everything that's gone on with your dad lately, you might have some unresolved abandonment issues you're transferring onto Marshall?
Barney: Oh! Ugh! You are worse than my shrink. "Barney, we have to talk about your father." "Barney, I'm not going to teach you how to hypnotize people. You'll only use it for evil." "Barney, I am not going to conduct a couples session "between you and this woman. She's obviously a prostitute." I don't need this!
[SCENE_BREAK]
At Ted's appartment
(Lily arrives)
Ted: Ah, Lily Aldrin, half of the world's most perfect couple! I was thinking about that woman's mouth comment, and I have three good comebacks. One: your mom didn't seem to mind it last night on her...
Lily: Okay, look, Ted, I need a favor. Would you mind driving out to Kennedy with me to pick up this famous ecologist for Marshall's fund-raiser? Apparently, he only speaks Spanish. And you speak Spanish, right? (Ted says something in spanish) Perfect. Let's go.
At Barney's office
(Barney is on the phone with Marshall)
Barney: Hey, Marshall, it's me. Listen, I know I've been kind of a jerk about your leaving GNB. I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry. No apologies necessary. We're good. Good. Um, hey, any chance you might maybe... I don't know... if you're not busy, uh, want to have lunch today?
Marshall: Oh, buddy, I'd love to, but I can't.
Barney: Oh, that's cool. No biggie. Another time.
Robin: (Robin is standing at the door) Oh, my God!
Barney: How long have you been there?
Robin: You don't remember?
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Hey. I was in the neighborhood. I just wanted to check in on you. You seemed, um, you seemed really upset the other day.
Barney: Oh, no, I'm fine.
Robin: Okay. Well, um, you want to go grab some lunch?
Barney:Sure. Hey, are you okay if I invite Marshall to join us?
Robin: Yeah.
(Barney makes a call to Marshall)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney:Right. So, um... Chinese?
In Ted's car
Ted: You know, just because Zoey and I are a different kind of couple than you and Marshall doesn't make us a worse couple.
Lily: You're right. I-If you and Zoey are happy, then who am I to judge? I'm so sorry.
Ted: Oh, my God, is that how support feels? It's so warm and wonderful. Oh, Lily, I've been so unhappy.
Lily: But I thought you liked being challenged.
Ted: Nobody likes being challenged! Couldn't she agree with me just once, even on something little, like... like what movie to see or-or what topping to get on our pizza or... oh, I don't know, my lifelong dream of building a skyscraper in New York City?!
Lily: Well, in her defense, hamburger pizza, Ted? What are you, 12?
Ted: You were right, Lily. I mean, Zoey's great, but... sometimes I do wish we were a little more like you and Marshall. There he is. Here we go. (Ted says some incomprehensible things in spanish)
Man: I'm sorry. I don't speak... whatever it is you're speaking.
Ted: Um, he speaks perfect English.
Lily: Yeah, I-I know.
Ted: Then why did you ask me to come?
Lily: So you can drive him to the fund-raiser. Supporting Marshall this much is driving me crazy. I'm going to Spain-- my flight leaves in 45 minutes. Adios, muchacho.
Ted: W-Wait, what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear I'm gonna murder someone!
Ted: What are you gonna tell Marshall, huh? And when are you coming back?
Lily: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through, and I don't intend to. All I know is that I'm a ticking time bomb, and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted: Wow, tha... that's an evocative metaphor to use for your nonthreatening, totally patriotic emotions. U.S.A.! Okay, Lily, I get it.
Lily: Marshall's been asking a lot lately.
Ted: But the thing to do is-is tell him you've had enough.
Lily: I've never been good at that. And now, ever since his dad died, I-I feel like it's my job to just be fine with everything. But I'm not. I'm not fine that he volunteers our apartment for a giant fund-raiser and that he's not thinking about how we're gonna pay any of our bills and that, apparently, we've given up on trying to have kids.
Ted: Lil...
Lily: Look, I'm sorry, Ted, I just, I gotta do this. (Lily leaves)
Man: My bag? Oh, no. I got it.
At the Bar
Barney: There's nothing to talk about.
Robin: You trashed your office today. I mean, you obviously have some deep feelings you're not confronting. And I think they're about your dad.
Barney: I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Robin: Why not?
Barney: Because I don't. And why am I explaining this to you? You're the most secretive person I know. You never tell anybody anything.
Robin: I've never... told anyone this before. Um... I was 16. I was awakened around midnight by the sound of my father arguing with his business partner, Andy Grenier. As things grew heated... I watched my father's hand slowly coil around the heavy antique clock on his desk. The sun was just starting to rise over the bramble orchard as we packed the fresh earth down with the flats of our shovels. My dad and I got our stories straight. We walked back to the house in silence and... haven't talked about it since. But sometimes... on a still night... you can still hear that clock, ticking... ticking... (quietly): ticking.
Barney: That's... the most harrowing story I've ever heard. Is it true?
Robin: No. But it did get you to drink three scotches, which is why you're ready to spill your guts.
Barney: Fine! The reason I'm upset about Marshall leaving GNB is... is...the meatball sub.
Robin: Huh?
Barney: It all started months ago in the GNB commissary. It was Meatball Sub Day.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Oh, how I used to love Meatball Sub Day. And then, the most humiliating moment of my life.
Marshall: Hey, buddy, I think you got a tiny little bit of marinara sauce on your tie there.
(Marshall and his co-workers start chuckling)
Barney: I plotted my revenge for weeks. But nothing seemed right. Then it hit me. The answer was so elegant and simple-- an exploding meatball sub. For months, I experimented. More... marinara sauce. Finally, the sub was perfected. The plan was in place. The snare was baited. And then...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney:...he quit, Robin, he quit! It's Meatball Sub Day today, which is why I wanted Marshall to come over and have lunch. But no. All that work wasted. (quiet sobbing) You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right?
Robin: What is wrong with you?
At Marshall's appartment
Marshall: Hey, Professor Rodriguez, thank you so much for coming.
Prof. Rodriguez: Oh, my pleasure. I have to use the restroom. Do you have some extra invitations?
Marshall: Right over there. Enjoy. Hey. Hey, thanks for picking him up.
Ted: Yeah, absolutely. Um, listen, something happened at the airport. Um...
Marshall: What?
Ted: Well, we got there, and, uh, Lily...(sighs) Lily...
(Lily arrives)
Lily: Marshall, hey. Sorry, I, uh, I had to park and-and grab some ice. Sorry.
Marshall: Oh, thanks, babe. You would not believe how much this one has done to help throw this party, Ted. I don't know how she does it. Can't be easy, huh, Lil?
Lily: Yeah. Listen, Marshall, I-I need to talk to you about something.
Marshall: No, you know what? Me, too. Um... I want to thank you for being so supportive of me in all this. I've been at the NRDC for less than a week, and I've already done more to be proud of than in two years at GNB. I can't believe how good it feels. But now, it's time for me to find a way to help the Earth and get paid for it, because I can't put that burden entirely on you. So, starting tomorrow, I'll look for something with a paycheck. What do you think?
Lily: Baby, you have my full support.
(Marshall and Lily kiss;Ted notices Zoey at the other end of the room)
Zoey: Ted.
Ted: Hey! What are you doing here?
Zoey: This is really important to Marshall, so I came to show my support.
Ted: This you can be supportive of?!
Zoey: What is that supposed to mean?
Ted: I have the chance to build a skyscraper in the best city on Earth, and who's the one leading the charge to kill that dream? My girlfriend!
Zoey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about my lifelong dream of not seeing every beautiful building in Manhattan bulldozed?
Ted from 2030: And in that moment, I realized, though I really cared about Zoey, I couldn't do this for the next 50 years. I had to break up with her. But then... Kids, some couples always support each other, and some couples always challenge each other, but is one really better than the other? Yes. Support is better. Way better. But I'd have to learn that the hard way.
[Ten years later; at Barney's]
(Barney is in bed, looking very sick, Robin, Ted, MArshall and Lily are here)
Lily: You're too young. This isn't fair.
Marshall: We're not going anywhere, buddy. We're gonna stay here right till the end.
Barney, weakly: Thank you, Marshall. (coughs weakly) Marshall... can I ask one final favor, my friend?
Marshall: Yes, of course, of course... anything.
Barney: Eat this meatball sub.
Marshall: Wh-Where'd you get a meatball...
Barney: I don't have much time!
Marshall: Okay, yes, yes, of course. Of course. Does this have some sort of special meaning?
(The sandwich explodes, throwing marina sauce all over Marshall; Barney leave his bed)
Barney, with a mean laugh: I'm not sick, you idiots! I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!
Ted: Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.
(Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself) | |
doc_311 | [PREVIOUSLY_ON]
Zachariah: What about Boyd?
Boyd ain't nothing like Bowman.
Zachariah: Yeah, he's a Crowder. That's awful strange talk seeing as you're here working for him.
Ava: My uncle ... you sure he couldn't have made it out of that mine?
Carl: Even if he survived the blast, the rockfall cut him off from the entrance.
Probably got turned around in the dark.
Ava: Zachariah got turned around?
Art: You want some advice? Bring Raylan in. See if you can confirm what your gut is telling you.
Rachel: Is that what you'd do? You'd let it go. Wouldn't risk the case just to save your own ass.
Mike: When I asked you how long you'd been snitching to the marshals, you said, "this time." The other time was about Grady Hale, right?
Duffy: You just figured that out all by yourself, Mikey?
[laughs]
Duffy: Aah!
[handcuffs click]
Mike: Ms. Hale, please call me as soon as you get this.
Boyd: Ripping you off ... that was her idea of payback for you murdering her husband.
I just thought you'd wanna know. Baby?
[gunshot]
[grunts]
Raylan: What did you do?
Ava: I gave you what you always wanted, Raylan ...
Boyd Crowder bleeding at your feet. I'm gonna come after you.
Ava: I know.
Rachel: I know your deputies just got back to Atlanta, but we need as many as you can spare. We've got a new number one. Ava Crowder. Jerry, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Art: [exhales sharply]
[indistinct conversations]
Rachel: How bad is it?
Art: Well... I shaved.
The director called. Tried to tell her that I was the shot caller on this from my sickbed, that I just couldn't let it go, but apparently you'd already talked to her.
Rachel: I'm the one who approved Ava as a C.I. and Raylan as her handler. It's only right I take the hit.
Art: I wish you'd called me first.
Rachel: Am I suspended?
Art: Hell, no. Not gonna sideline one of my best manhunters in the middle of a manhunt. What the hell's the status with Crowder?
Rachel: Nelson's sitting on him at Harlan regional medical until they get the bullet out and we can move him.
Art: Well, you do realize you accomplished something that I was never able to do all these years.
Rachel: Let an untrustworthy C.I. get away with $10 million?
Art: You got Boyd Crowder.
Boyd: Aah! Aah, aah, aah.
Doctor: Irrespective of you being shot, you are what doctors call one lucky son of a bitch.
Yeah, well, I don't feel so lucky at the moment. [groans]
Doctor: Slug splintered on your collarbone. Hair South, your lungs'd be torn to shreds. We got in there, tied things up. It could be worse.
Raylan: You give us a minute, doc?
Doctor: You're not the one shot him, are you?
Raylan: No, I'm the one who got him here.
Boyd: [exhaling deeply] Ain't exactly true, is it? What you told him about bringing me here. Well, I called it in, made sure they knew you were emergent.
Boyd: You handcuffed me to a bumper, you left me there without so much as a fare-thee-well.
Raylan: You could hear the sirens on their way. Must have given you some solace.
Boyd: I don't suppose you've come to tell me you've found her.
Raylan: I found her truck some down the road, abandoned. No sign beyond. Gotta suck, be that close to the prize, have it shot out of your hand. I kinda know how you feel.
Boyd: No, you don't. I don't believe in a world where you know how I feel.
Raylan: I didn't realize disappointment was a domain exclusive unto Boyd Crowder. Well, Raylan, if we're gonna play it that simple, then let's talk about your disappointments. What disappoints you, Raylan Givens? The fact that you weren't the one who got to shoot me? Where is she goin'?
Boyd: Well, you wheel me outta here, I'll take you straight to her. [chuckles] That's funny.
Boyd: Oh, well, it doesn't have to be funny. Come on, Raylan. Me and you, one more ride together. See if we can't find a reasonable solution to our problem. But which is our problem, exactly? The money or Ava?
Boyd: Well, ain't they the same problem, Raylan?
Raylan: Are they to you?
Boyd: I'm gonna get outta here, Raylan.
Raylan: Mm-hmm.
Boyd: Sooner or later, one way or another, I'm gonna get outta here, and when I do, I'm gonna go get that money.
Raylan: Which sets me to thinking, How long you think she's got? Long enough for you to execute your great escape? Get to her before Markham and his boys do? Then I got to wonderin' further what they're gonna do to her if they get there first.
Boyd: Well, maybe she has whatever that is coming.
Raylan: Oh. I see. And you're cool with that? Them dishing out retribution however they see fit?
Boyd: Are you?
Raylan: My, my.
Boyd: You know, Raylan...
Zachariah Randolph.
Raylan: Come again?
Boyd: It's her uncle. I think that's the man you're looking for.
[monitor beeping steadily]
You think he's helping her?
Boyd: Well, if he ain't died down one of those shafts, Raylan, then... I don't believe he has. That'd be my first stop.
Raylan: See you at the arraignment.
Tim: You get anything?
Raylan: Maybe a place to start.
Nelson: Heard she pulled Boyd's gun on you.
Raylan: She did.
Nelson: Man, I did not see that coming.
Raylan: Anything changes here, drop me a line. You ever been down in a mine?
Tim: I've been to Mordor, but not through the mines.
Raylan: Is that a yes or a no?
Tim: No.
[music]
[birds calling]
Zachariah: [grunts]
Ava: Is that it? Way up there?
Zachariah: Yeah!
Ava: I thought you said it was close.
Zachariah: [grunts]
[birds crying and chirping]
Ava: How long's this place been closed?
Zachariah: Oh, eight, nine years. They used it a... a supply station.
Rescue would get the supplies in, trap miners as fast as possible. Regulations being so damn lax, they didn't build this thing till after the '83 collapse.
[both sigh]
You think having closer supplies would have saved my daddy?
Zachariah: God himself couldn't save your daddy on that day. That's why I stopped praying.
Zachariah: [grunting] Yeah, yeah.
[scraping and thudding]
Ava: [coughs]
Zachariah: Get some heat in here.
And I got... this here radio for backup. We'll know they're coming before they do. Give us some time to hightail it outta here, which is exactly what we should be doing, so I'm gonna go over, see if I can get one of those old A.T.V.s running. Pack up these bags, and we be outta here by sundown! Now you do know those old moonshine trails up there, they just roll through those mountains like a...
Ava: Maze?
Zachariah: Yeah, maze. Now this Grubes guy we're going to see ... you sure he knows his way around?
Ava: He knows the trails blindfolded.
But I was thinkin'... Boyd knows Grubes.
Zachariah: Ah.
Ava: If he's alive ...
Zachariah: If he's alive, the marshals got him, and if he ain't... [claps hands] the more, the better.
[title music]
♪ On this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome, pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul, god, get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard, fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome, pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪
Katherine: Where are you? Damn, I can't hear you.
Mike: I'm in Richmond, close to E.K.U.
Duffy: Give me the phone, Mikey. Let me talk to her.
Katherine: I'll call when I get close. Keep Duffy there.
I just need to get my purse.
[cell phone beeps]
Markham: You know, I can usually smell a rotten bud before it blooms. But your scent, my dear, has always been presidential kush.
... your questions. And all that on my. [sighs]
Markham: Got yourself a new purse.
Katherine: Yeah, before we go down a whole road, I think you might be interested in the phone call I just had, wherein I learned that Wynn Duffy killed Grady.
Markham: I didn't know that little cockroach was still alive.
Katherine: Yeah. Well, I'm just going to change, then.
Markham: How do you know this?
Katherine: His bodyguard called me. Wynn Duffy was a rat 14 years ago, and he's a rat today.
Markham: You know, I knew you'd never leave your home state.
That's why I came back. Nothing else mattered.
You were the prize. But now I wonder if I wasn't just a mark, someone for you to screw.
Katherine: At first, yes, but... seeing you... being with you, - everything came flying back.
Markham: Oh, don't tell me. Love?
Katherine: Well, was it not the same for you?
Markham: Well, I've always loved you, Katherine. I just don't trust you.
Katherine: Well, I accepted your proposal, Avery. Would it be so bad for the two of us to... live together, not trusting each other, just like everybody else in the whole wide world?
Markham: You know, I understand your drive to avenge Grady's death, even when you thought it was me. And I hope when I'm your husband... you'd do the same for me.
Katherine: [sighs] I'm gonna go shower. You wanna join me?
Markham: Nothing I'd love more.
But there's work to be done.
Katherine: Goin' after your 10 million?
Markham: Our 10 million.
You know, I'm gonna make sure Boyd Crowder doesn't see another day.
Katherine: Well, I'm gonna do the same to Wynn Duffy.
Markham: Let me handle Duffy. I'll bring you his head for a wedding present.
Katherine: Goddamn, Avery Markham. I love you.
Markham: Love you, too.
[classical music playing on radio]
Duffy: I never knew you liked classical, Mikey.
Mike: You'd know if you let me pick the music every once in a while.
Duffy: That can change.
A lot can change. You want me to drive sometimes?
You wanna be in charge of the TV? Mikey?
What do you want, Mikey?
Okay, point taken.
You got a code. You're billy jack. I get it, okay?
Can we end this? Mikey? I'll forget what happened and we'll go back to the way things were.
[radio volume increases]
[loudly] Okay, Mikey?! Hey!
Take these goddamn cuffs off, or I'm gonna take that code, and I will shove it up your ass!
[whack]
Uhh!
Mike: This isn't just about some code. You were as close to family as I ever had. I believed in you, Wynn. End of the day, you're a rat. And rats get exterminated, period. And I hate being called "Mikey."
[door squeaks]
[bag thuds]
Loretta: [sighs]
Boon: Seat buckle.
I'm just looking to keep my girl safe.
[squeaks]
Boon: Are you looking for this? [chuckles] Come on.
When I was a kid... can't tell you how many falls your daddy and I had, angry pricks, one and all. Lay three hots and a cot with a side of ass whupping.
I come to rely solely on my own wherewithal at a tender age, not unlike yourself.
I'm hearing tales about all this money you supposedly got, no doubt giving you a sense of confidence. But I can tell you what. Markham's got a lot more.
Loretta: What's your point?
Boon: Do you ever watch the History Channel?
Days of yore, marriages weren't about love... or romance. Those sentiments didn't even factor in. They were about alliances to end wars, making each side stronger against enemies they had in common. You understand?
Loretta: Man, I got no idea what in the hell you're talking about.
Boon: I'm saying, if I'd had a Mr. Markham by my side back then, I'd have jumped on it as fast as a bullet. I wanna offer you an opportunity, tuck in with us. You say yes, we'll always be watching your back.
Loretta: I don't need anybody watching my back ... least of all, you.
Boon: Got fire in your belly. What I adore most, girl. Be careful... lest it burn your brain, so you can't hear good reason.
[music]
[indistinct conversations]
Raylan: You got an escort down the mine shaft?
Willits: He's on the way out now.
Had to roust the owner out of the bed. He ... he was grumpy about it.
Raylan: Well, you can tell him he can give me the what-for as soon as he gets us on a coal cart.
Willits: You think she could have got down that mine shaft on her own?
Tim: We think Ms. Crowder has an accomplice worked his mine most of his life.
Raylan: What's that up there? So I've got the claim more said, Earl's on A.K. we got that armored truck dead on our side.
Earl: Next thing we know, cherries, man, everywhere.
Carl: I'm telling it, Earl. All right? Sorry.
Man: How'd the cops know?
Carl: Figure we got set up.
Earl: By who?
Carl: That Katherine chick and Duffy ... one or both of 'em. It's like that old saying, you know?
Earl: "Crime doesn't pay"?
Carl: God damn it, Earl. No. "Ain't no honor among thieves." Crime does pay. As long as the criminals you're working for don't screw you over all the time.
Birch: Let's go, girls! You're moving to a new cell!
Come on off your fannies!
[cell door clanks]
Not you two. You got a visitor.
Carl: Who?
Birch: [whistles]
Earl: Oh, no.
Oh, hey! Hey, we can't be in here with them! Come on now! This sh1t ain't legal!
Markham: Those cops aren't gonna help you, son. They're new friends of mine.
Carl: I'm gonna tell y'all upfront right now, we ain't going down without a fight.
Boon: Jenny here says you would.
[bars rattle]
And she's had the last word in many such a disagreement.
Markham: Boon. I know Boyd is the brain behind your attempt to rob me.
You and your brother were just pawns.
Carl: We were soldiers.
Markham: No, you were pawns.
He sent you out to attack that armored car while he executed his real plan ... kidnap my fiancée, extort the $10 million that way. He screwed you both.
Earl: You're lying. Boyd wouldn't do that to us. Would he, Carl?
Markham: Ever hear of Judge Zeke Baron?
Earl: I know of Baron's pawn shop. That's Judge Zeke. He owns it. He got an office out back. Buy enough of his junk for double what it cost, he's amenable to signing a release, get you R.O.R.'d.
Earl: What does that have to do with us? It means we're gettin' out of here. Means you're gettin' out of here. What about Earl?
Earl: Yeah. Drop our ... is one man affort, Carl.
Carl: Well, why me? Why not the hat kid? Boyd knows you. Ask him where my money is.
If he knows, put a bullet between his eyes.
If he doesn't know... put a bullet between his eyes anyway.
Carl: What if I tell you Boyd's been good to me, huh? And I don't want your damn job.
Markham: If you refuse, if you fail... or if you run off when you get into the outside world, then... Jenny will blow Earl a kiss.
[taps]
Carl: [sighs]
[music]
[animal chitters in distance]
[birds crying and cawing]
[door creaks]
Tim: Clear.
Willits: Clear.
Tim: Somebody's been here.
Willits: I imagine this place has been put to all sorts of use.
Kids stealing, coming in here to hook up.
Raylan: It's warm in here. You notice that? Like someone had a space heater.
Tim: Drag marks right here by the doorway. $10 million is a lot of weight.
Willits: Maybe spied us, left in a hurry. If so, they ain't far, and they're not moving fast. We need to shift choppers and dogs to this ridge, set the perimenter around this point as ground zero. You got any guys you can spare?
Willits: I can ask. Uh, if so, you wanna ride on one of the helicopters? One of them's got F.L.I.R. Maybe get you a seat if you want.
Raylan: Definitely.
Vasquez: It's beyond bad, chief.
It's career-ending ... mine... and yours.
You were the one that told me to put Raylan in the lead.
Rachel: Why did you call us in here, Vasquez?
Vasquez: Where is he?
Rachel: Where's who?
Art: He's working the fugitive. As the closest deputy to the case, he is the most likely to find her.
Vasquez: Oh, Jesus, Art. Seriously? I mean, really, seriously?
God damn it, what ... what did he, promise you a cut?!
Art: I'm gonna do you the goddamn common courtesy of pretending I didn't hear that sh1t come out of your mouth. He was banging her in the past. He's almost certainly banging her now! His banging her in the past wrecked the criminal case back then! And then here we are again now! History repeating itself. Then he lets her shoot his, uh, whatever-the-hell-you-want- to-call-Boyd. That's convenient. And this marshal, whom we've defended on countless questionable shootings, well, he decides this time, he's gonna holster his piece, and he's just gonna wave goodbye as she drives away.
Art: [sighs]
Vasquez: You take umbrage with me all you want, Chief Deputy Mullen. You give me that look like you wanna choke me right now. But eventually, the both of you are gonna have to come to grips with the reality.
Rachel: And in your version of reality?
Vasquez: Your marshal and his girlfriend have stolen $10 million right out from under our noses.
[sighs]
[telephone ringing in distance]
[helicopter approches]
[cellphone buzzing]
Raylan: [loudly] Givens. I'm about to get on a helicopter.
Art: [sighs]
I need you back in Lexington now.
Raylan: What? What? Hey, I ain't kidding about the helicopter. It's hovering above my head. Why I'm talking so loud.
Art: Let the helicopter go. Let somebody else take a ride. I need you in the office.
Raylan: What'd I do?
Art: That's a long list.
Raylan: I know that tone, Art. I know it too well, as a matter of fact. Just tell me.
Art: Vasquez has voiced a concern.
Raylan: Raised a concern or leveled an accusation?
Art: Look, you know where this is going. You tell me.
Raylan: He thinks I conspired with Ava.
Oh, tell me you ain't entertaining the notion that that is anything other than utter horseshit. [sighs] All I'm saying is you're not giving me a leg to stand on here. I'm having trouble enough defending your actions even absent your and Ava's history.
Raylan: Just let me get on the helicopter, take one pass, see if I can spot 'em. They're close, Art. I'm telling you, I can feel it. They're close.
[helicopter whirring]
Art: All right. You know me so well.
I'm sure you can understand my tone when I say to you let the goddamn helicopter go and get your ass back to Lexington right now.
[whirring continues]
[cell phone beeps]
[starts engine]
[under breath] God damn it.
[music]
[whirring]
Ava: Okay...
[panting]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stiles: Are you Deputy Dunlop?
Nelson: That's me.
Stiles: They say they got a deputy who wants to meet you outside. Givens, I think?
Nelson: I could use a coffee anyway. Keep an eye on him for me for a minute?
Stiles: Oh, yeah, you bet.
Nelson: Thanks. [telephone rings]
Stiles: [whispers] Let's go.
Stiles: All right, now you're gonna have to make this look good, all right?
[door closes]
Stiles: How about you hit me?
Boyd: Carl?
[whack]
Carl. Carl?
Carl: [grunting]
[panting]
That look good enough to you, you son of a bitch?
Boyd: Wha...
Carl: Where's the money, Boyd?
Boyd: Why are you pointing a gun at me? I'm infirm.
Carl: I trusted you. You sold Earl and I out. You set the cops on us.
Boyd: Who sold you that wooden nickel? Son, I had every intention of meeting you ...
Carl: Don't... lie to me, Boyd! Now where's the goddamn money?
Boyd: Carl, I'm sorry. I-I made a bad decision. Trust me, son. And if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it different.
[click]
Carl: Last chance.
Boyd: Hey, hey.
Carl: Where is the money?
Boyd: God damn it, I saved your life down in that mine.
Carl: [breathing heavily]
He's got my brother, Boyd. I ain't got no choice in this.
Boyd: Who's got your brother? Markham?
Carl: [breathes heavily]
Boyd: Well, damn, son, get me outta here.
Let's go get that money. We'll get your brother.
We'll kill that son of a bitch. I'll give you half of everything that I put my hands on. Carl... Carl, I know that we have had a bad run of luck lately, but we can change it right now, god damn it. Contrary to everything that's happened, I care deeply about you and your brother.
$5 million?
[exhales deeply]
Now go get that key, son. Come on. [exhales deeply]
Carl: Yeah.
[siren whoops]
[reverse alert beeping]
[brakes squeal]
[radio chatter]
[clatter]
Give me that jacket.
Boyd: Where's he now?
Carl: Earl is in the jail under guard. Markam bought a couple dirty cops. Do anything for him.
Boyd: Let's go kill that skinny son of a bitch.
Carl: Question is now, how we gonna get you out past the nurses' stand without anybody noticing?
Boyd: [sighs] It shouldn't be too hard with all the chaos.
Carl: What chaos?
[gunshot]
[alarm sounding]
Boyd: We got a shooter on the floor! Everybody clear out!
Woman: Get outta here!
Man: He said shooter! Come on!
[alarm continues sounding, people shouting indistinctly]
[police radio chatter]
Raylan: Where's Nelson?
Tim: Somewhere wishing he wasn't Nelson.
Why didn't he get any backup?
Tim: Everyone's out looking for Ava.
Raylan: Oh, my god.
Tim: The word I got is you're supposed to be headed back to Lexington, face this Vasquez reckoning.
Raylan: Yeah, I was headed back to Lexington. Then I got word Crowder escaped marshals' custody and reframed my priorities somewhat.
Tim: And creepy how excited you seem right now, not that I am questioning your priorities.
Raylan: My priorities are straight.
Tim: Uh-huh. So you're gonna keep cool when I tell you you need to follow Art's orders and head back to Lexington.
Raylan: Give me something here. Point me in the direction, couple hours.
Tim: Oh, so the joke here is that I give you directions back to Lexington, but since you know where that is ...
Raylan: Who is this peckerwood here? Is this Carl?
Jesus Christ, man. Carl.
Tim: I know. It's weird, isn't it? Maybe you should ask him about that when you get back to the office. Raylan; Tim, can we stop pretending there's any version of this conversation that ends with me going to the office?
Tim: If I help you out, you gonna cut me in on that $10 million?
Raylan: [sighs]
[telephone ringing in distance]
Man: # I wanna go back, #
♪ I wanna go up and down ♪ ♪ over all the little trees and passes ♪ ♪ that make up our hometown ♪
Boon: Got word from the hospital.
Markham: What?
♪ it all came crashing down ♪
Boon: Carl's dead. And ...
Markham: And Boyd escaped.
Markham: I told Carl what would happen if he failed in his job.
A deal's a deal. Call our friends at the jail. Get little brother out.
♪ we held each other close so tight ♪ ♪ I wanna go back ♪
[footsteps approach]
Man: Help ya?
Raylan: Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens.
Looking for Earl Lennon. May have him back there awaiting marshal's transfer back to Lexington.
Man: Oh, yeah, sure.
Raylan: Great. Whatever paperwork you, uh...
Man: Just need to, uh...
Raylan: Sure.
[door opens]
Crosley: Can I help you?
Raylan: Hey.
Look at that. Got him all ready for me. Nah, this prisoner's been entrusted to my offices' charge. I mean, what might you think, you can just walk on out of here with him?
Raylan: Uh, this. Not to get all federal on you, but... kinda is what it is.
Crosley: Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to make a call.
Raylan: See? There it is.
Crosley: There what is?
Raylan: You know, it don't bother me much running into a cop from this town that's bent to sh1t.
I grew up around here. Kinda expect it now and then.
What irritates me is when you call 'em on it, and they give you this look like, "how dare you insinuate I'm a piece of sh1t tarnishing my badge?" I see you doing the math, whether you're gonna tolerate the insult. But you should know, one of your co-workers is in the hospital with brain bleed, and this boy's brother's dead, so you might wanna factor them items into the equation before you decide what you're gonna do next.
Crosley: Number one ... I don't like your tone. Number two ... that badge don't mean sh1t. And number three ... this boy's been bonded out fair and square. Matter of fact, I was just about to call the judge.
Raylan: The marshal service have spent a lot of time and effort apprehending a fugitive that's now out on the run, and lives are in danger because of it, so every time you open your mealy mouth to lie, I think of that, and I start picturing how you'd look without any of your goddamn teeth.
Earl: Wait. Did you say my brother's dead?
Raylan: Earl... step away from the dirty cop and come with me, nice and slow. Thank you.
[Pachelbel's "Canon in D" playing]
Katherine: Hello, Michael.
Mike: Hello, Ms. Hale.
Katherine: Michael, would you mind giving me a gun until this unfortunate mess is over? You can retreave it later.
How does that sound?
[whispers] Thank you.
[handcuffs clanking]
[sighs]
Wynn... Avery wanted to give me your murderous rat head as a wedding present, but I thought, no, I should do something nice for him, get our marriage started out on the right foot. The things we do for love. [chuckles]
Duffy: You gonna put it in a big, blue Tiffany box like that ring on your finger?
Katherine: You're being awfully flip for someone who's about to die.
Duffy: What do you want me to say, Katherine?
Yes, I ratted out Grady to Simon Poole and, yes, I killed Simon Poole because Simon Poole was gonna rat me out to Grady. The life we chose, huh?
Katherine: Why kill Grady?
Duffy: What do you care? You were schtupping Markham. You think about it, I did you a favor.
Katherine: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you did. But, Wynn... Grady was my husband. He was my partner. And here's how it works. You protect your partner, and you avenge them against people who do them wrong. That is something I strongly believe.
[sighs]
[sniffles]
Front of the head? [click] Or back? Suit yourself.
Mike: Wait, wait, wait, wait. We don't have to kill him.
Katherine: Michael.
Mike: Just put the word out he's a rat. Let him fend for himself out there.
Katherine: Move aside.
Mike: Look, I don't like what Duffy did, but he's my boss, and I'd have to avenge him, anybody did him wrong. That's what you just said, right?
Katherine: Oh, for god's sake.
Mike: I mean, I think he's ...
[gunshot]
Aah! [grunting]
Wynn: Michael!
[gunshot]
Jesus Christ!
[gunshot]
Jesus!
[grunting]
Duffy: Aah!
Mike: [grunting]
Katherine: [grunting]
[gunshot]
Mike: Aah!
Duffy: Mikey!
Mike: [grunting] Ohh!
Duffy: Mikey!
[crack]
Katherine: [gasps]
Mike: [panting]
Katherine: [gasps]
Mike: [grunting]
[thud]
Mike: [exhales deeply]
Duffy: [panting]
Mike: [grunting and gasping]
[handcuffs rattle]
Mike: [continues grunting]
Duffy: [gasps]
Mike: [groaning]
Duffy: Mikey. Mikey.
Mike: Will you hold me?
Duffy: Yeah. [crying]
Duffy: [grunting]
[continues grunting]
It's okay. Shh. Shh! [groaning]
Duffy: Shh!
Mike: [gurgling]
Duffy: [exhales deeply]
Duffy: [grunting]
[gasping]
[cell phone beeps]
[dialing cell phone, beep]
[gasps]
[exhales deeply]
[line rings]
[breathing heavily]
[line connects]
Woman: 9-1-1. What is your emergency?
Duffy: [breathing heavily]
I'm not sure where to start. [exhales deeply]
[door creaks]
[music]
Raylan: [clicks tongue]
Nice hat. You take that off that dude at the diner?
Boon: That one didn't appeal to me. Smelled like patchouli and scared hipster.
No. I had this one made custom.
And it cost me a pretty penny. Say you like it, though?
Raylan: I do. It may be the only thing I like about you right about now.
Now, get out of my way.
I didn't come here to talk about hats.
Boon: [inhales sharply] This is my favorite part.
Don't you just love this part?
Can hear a goddamn pin drop.
Markham: Boon, let him back.
Boon: Check my balls right now. Be purple, they're so blue.
Raylan: You stay where I can see you.
Markham: [laughs]
Raylan: I'll be brief.
I got a kid in my car who's nervous being this close to the Portal.
Markham: I got no idea what you're talking about.
Raylan: It's all right. Time comes, you and Earl both can tell it to the judge. The song he's singing about how his brother got dead ... enough to put you away for a good stretch. So, to that end, you are gonna leave off chasing after that money ... you, your shit-heel cop army, anybody else you got involved, and you are definitely gonna abandon any thoughts you got of causing harm to the lady stole it.
Markham: You misread my intentions, deputy. I got no cause to engage in that kind of behavior, poison my own well when I'm just starting to feel like I'm... home at last, setting down roots with my lady friend.
Raylan: Your lady friend? She and I have long ... for this county, son. County we grew up in. Screwed your only back then.
Raylan: You don't know.
Markham: Don't know what?
Raylan: Mr. Markham, your lady friend is dead as of a half-hour ago.
Went pretty badly, as I understand it, in the confines of a motor coach belonging to Wynn Duffy.
All this... is on you. As you undertake your grieving, may that guide you, as you contemplate your next move. Gentlemen.
[door opens, closes]
Raylan: Hey, what you doing back there? You fall asleep?
You trying to get me shot?
Raylan: You think they're gonna shoot you? sh1t, maybe I should stand away.
Earl: [huffs] I-I ... Do we have to do this right here?
Raylan: I could haul him in for his threat to you. You know that, right?
Earl: Well, then I got to testify against him?
Raylan: That is how the justice system works, yes.
Earl: Well, the hell with that. That old prick killed my brother. I ain't about to be snitchin' from no witness stand when I could just as easily put a goddamn gun in his mouth later.
Raylan: Hey, dumb-ass.
Earl: What?
Raylan: Talking that way, now I can take you in for the same sh1t.
Earl: Well, so do it then. You're just about a stiff-neck little son of a bitch, ain't you?
Earl: [sniffs] Yeah, I guess so.
Raylan: Yeah. Yeah.
[breathes sharply]
Earl: So what now?
What now? I drop you someplace, call you in as a pick-up for the locals, hope you don't end up in the same jail cell as you were before.
Earl: No, no, wait, wait, now, sh1t. Or I could drop you off similarly, only call in the marshal service, put you in P.C., make sure he don't get anywhere near you. How's testifying sound to you now? Hmm?
[sighs]
He was my brother. He was my only brother.
Raylan: I understand. Take your time.
[inhales]
[sighs]
Earl: You know, you asked me earlier if I ever heard anything about what the plan was?
Raylan: Mm-hmm.
Earl: You know, after, with Boyd and Ava and the money.
Raylan: And?
Earl: Well, I never heard anything about that, but when they were trying to smuggle that Walker dude out, they ... they mentioned two things ... pig sh1t trucks, and Grubes. Somebody named Grubes.
[knock on door]
[music]
Ava: [softly] Come on.
[knock on door]
[sighs, chuckles]
Guess we wait till he comes back.
Zachariah: In this cold? [chuckles] Come on in!
Ava: [sighs]
[door closes]
Zachariah: Damn, what's that stink?
Ava: Oh... [coughs, sighs]
Zachariah: Grubes?
Ava: Oh, no, no, no. No...
[yelling] Nooo!
[music]
[cell phone vibrates, beeps]
Raylan: Givens.
Art: Tell me you're on your way in.
Raylan: Yeah.
You got a locator on the car. You'll find a kid in it I picked up. Used to work for Boyd. Just put him in P.C. and give him some good charges on Markham, we pull his head out of the dead long enough to do it.
Art: Or you could honor the responsibility that comes with wearing that badge and bring him when you come back here right now like you were ordered.
Raylan: No, I'm coming back when I get Boyd or Ava and the money, or all three.
Art: [sighs] Are you sure you want to do this?
Raylan: [sighs] I don't see as I got a choice. Do you? Art, you see where I got a choice?
Art: You got 48 hours, Raylan. That's all I can give you.
Raylan: 48 hours, bullshit. Who you got coming after me? Everybody?
Art: You got too high an opinion of yourself. Of course, you always have. Everybody's out looking for Boyd.
I'll be the one coming after you.
[cell phone beeps] | |
doc_312 | TERMINUS
BY: STEPHEN GALLAGHER
Part Three
First Air Date: 22 February 1983
Running time: 24:39
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: I'd appreciate some help.
KARI: Is it a machine?
DOCTOR: No. He's wearing radiation armour. Keep him covered.
KARI: My power pack's dead.
DOCTOR: Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Let me have your radio.
KARI: It's always the same pattern.
DOCTOR: Well, at least the level's acceptable, for the time being. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: Are you in charge?
EIRAK: Be quiet.
NYSSA: Please listen.
EIRAK: Shut the door.
INGA: You'll get nothing out of them. They're not interested.
NYSSA: I've got to make them understand.
INGA: You can't even bribe them. The only thing they care about is Hydromel, the drug that keeps them alive.
NYSSA: What are they going to do with us?
INGA: Supposedly cure us, but I rather think they're going to let us die.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SIGURD: Lazar assessment from tank three, Eirak.
EIRAK: Coloured water. They must think we're fools. They've even reduced the size of the consignment.
SIGURD: Why the cutback?
EIRAK: Maybe our performance is down.
SIGURD: But we process everyone who comes here. Why doesn't the Company send someone to see the conditions we work under?
EIRAK: Maybe they already have. We are slaves. The Company doesn't need to tell us anything.
VALGARD: Intruders. I saw two people down in the stockyard, a man and a girl. They went into the Forbidden Zone.
EIRAK: Lazars?
VALGARD: No. No, they were too fit. And they were armed.
SIGURD: Agents from the Company.
EIRAK: Why didn't you stop them?
VALGARD: I tried.
SIGURD: Why are they in the Forbidden Zone?
EIRAK: The perfect place to hide. We never go there. As the Company has decided to cut back our supply of Hydromel, it is in our own interest to learn why. If the couple in the Forbidden Zone are from the Company, their knowledge is vital.
VALGARD: How do we find them?
EIRAK: Someone must go after them.
VALGARD: Why don't you? You're supposed to be our honoured leader.
EIRAK: I'm needed here.
VALGARD: So you keep telling us, although I sometimes wonder whether we need you at all.
SIGURD: Valgard!
EIRAK: You think you could be better?
VALGARD: Yes.
EIRAK: All right, I'll make you an offer. Bring back the spies and I'll step down in your favour.
VALGARD: I have your word on that?
EIRAK: You have the Vanir as your witness. Think of it as a bet. If you're ambitious enough, you'll accept it.
VALGARD: All right, agreed.
EIRAK: Then go!
SIGURD: He'll die in the Forbidden Zone.
EIRAK: He hates me. He'll succeed.
SIGURD: And you will give him what you say?
EIRAK: Of course.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INGA: There's no way out, just as there's no cure. It's hopeless.
NYSSA: Tell me about the Forbidden Zone.
INGA: You don't give up, do you.
NYSSA: Tell me.
INGA: I only know what I've heard. It's where the radiation's too strong for them, and where we're supposed to be cured.
NYSSA: And what's the Garm?
INGA: You'll find out soon enough.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SIGURD: They're starting to move the Lazars. Tank three.
OLVIR: I'll be down in a moment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SIGURD: I've just come from the equipment store. I think we have a third intruder.
EIRAK: Excellent. Carry on with those.
EIRAK: It seems Valgard's mission was unnecessary after all. Come on, we'll apprehend this one ourselves.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Why do the crew put up with such a radiation leak?
KARI: It could be part of the cure.
DOCTOR: Olvir said there wasn't one. So, why don't they repair it?
KARI: They may not know how to.
DOCTOR: Hmm. Radiation. Fallout. Now that's a thought.
KARI: What?
DOCTOR: Nothing. Just an idea worth pursuing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EIRAK: You. Turn around.
EIRAK: You fool.
SIGURD: But it spoke.
EIRAK: Perhaps you're developing the Lazar disease.
[SCENE_BREAK]
VALGARD: I'm going.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EIRAK: It's hardly touched. Take her first, then.
SIGURD: You.
NYSSA: No. No, wait. Others are worse than me.
EIRAK: The fit ones go first. Take her.
NYSSA: No. No, please. No.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: What is it?
KARI: I can hear someone singing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Tegan.
TEGAN: What?
TURLOUGH: If ever you had to kill someone, could you do it? Could you?
TEGAN: No. I don't know. If it was important, to save my friend, to defend myself.
TURLOUGH: But cold-bloodedly?
TEGAN: You're weird, Turlough. What a subject to bring up at a time like this. Come on, let's find the control room.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): You are a fool, boy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: Who is it?
DOCTOR: Well, he seems happy enough. Let's find out.
KARI: No.
DOCTOR: He's hurt. Hello, I'm the Doctor. Can I help?
BOR: Most kind. Yes. A burden is a, er, something or other. Most kind. Thanks. This way.
BOR: The cold ground. Rest in peace.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Curious. What do you make of this?
TEGAN: It's a map. Like one of those diagrams when they thought the Earth was at the centre of the universe.
TURLOUGH: Hmm. Strange, isn't it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Terminus entrance. At least we know where the radiation comes from.
DOCTOR: Look at the damage. Easy now.
BOR: Thank you. Most kind. Most kind. My name is, er, Bor. I. Haven't we met somewhere before?
DOCTOR: Indeed. I'm the Doctor.
BOR: Short term memory's the first to go.
KARI: He needs a medic.
BOR: Do you know anything about engines?
DOCTOR: A little.
BOR: I tried to pull down the control cables. I picked the wrong ones. Power lines. As I couldn't stop the radiation, I had to try and wall it in. Now things are even worse.
DOCTOR: In what way?
BOR: The whole lot's unstable. Know what would happen if one of those exploded? It'd be more than just a loud bang.
DOCTOR: Chain reaction.
BOR: Nothing in the universe would be safe.
KARI: What?
BOR: Did I tell you? One of the engines has already exploded.
DOCTOR: When?
BOR: No, oh, it was a long time ago. It's all in the computer. That one will go next. I didn't find out why until I followed the control cables.
KARI: Why wasn't Terminus destroyed in the explosion?
BOR: Terminus is protected.
VALGARD: Tell them nothing, Bor. They're Company spies.
BOR: Really? They seemed so friendly.
VALGARD: You forget our last encounter. The power pack is exhausted. I'm taking you back, but not before I've beaten some respect into you.
BOR: My wall!
KARI: Doctor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: Let me go. Please, please, let me go.
SIGURD: Don't you want to be cured? This is for your own good.
NYSSA: Please, let me go.
SIGURD: At least, that's what I'm told.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: What's that?
DOCTOR: Some sort of signal.
DOCTOR: Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: No! What is that thing?
SIGURD: Your cure. The Garm's found Bor.
BOR: Most kind.
SIGURD: Let's get him to Eirak while he can still talk.
OLVIR: Let's see that chain.
NYSSA: No!
OLVIR: It's me, Nyssa.
NYSSA: Quickly! Quick.
OLVIR: I can't, I'm not strong enough.
NYSSA: Olvir!
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: What are you looking for now?
DOCTOR: The control lines. The ones Bor said he followed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: There must be a way to recreate the door we entered this ship by. Wait here.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: This is a complete waste of time. Bor doesn't know what he's talking about. He's suffering from radiation sickness.
DOCTOR: Yes, you're right about the sickness. I want to find out what he discovered.
KARI: Does it matter?
DOCTOR: I think it could be rather important.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SIGURD: Bor, can you hear me?
BOR: Sigurd?
SIGURD: Why did you do it? You knew you couldn't survive in the Forbidden Zone.
BOR: Worth a try. The pilot's dead, you know.
SIGURD: Pilot?
BOR: Of Terminus.
SIGURD: What?
BOR: But he's still there. He's going to fire up the engines again and they won't take it and the big bang will happen all over again.
EIRAK: Where's his helmet?
SIGURD: He didn't have it. He's delirious. He needs Hydromel.
EIRAK: There isn't any to spare.
SIGURD: But he's dying.
EIRAK: So why detain him?
[SCENE_BREAK]
GUARDIAN (OOV.): You have not destroyed the Doctor.
TURLOUGH: I haven't found him yet.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Kill the Doctor.
TURLOUGH: I will, I will. I have a plan.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): You have nothing.
TURLOUGH: I do! But I need to get back to the TARDIS.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Why?
TURLOUGH: Trust me.
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough!
TURLOUGH: How do I recreate the door?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Fail me again
TURLOUGH: I won't, I promise.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Then search for an emergency bypass switch.
TURLOUGH: Where?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): You have skills. Use them. Look beneath your feet.
TEGAN: What are you doing?
TURLOUGH: Remember when we were underneath the floor? Well, I noticed something familiar. It's only just come to me what it was. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Terminus control.
KARI: Look.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: Olvir!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Do you remember Bor saying one of the engines had exploded?
KARI: Did he?
DOCTOR: He was wrong. It didn't come to that. Look at this. Terminus was once capable of time travel.
KARI: So?
DOCTOR: Well, to push a ship of this size through time would require an enormous amount of energy.
KARI: What are you getting at?
DOCTOR: Well, think about what we've learnt. Terminus seems to be at the centre of the universe, yes? Now, imagine this ship in flight. Suddenly the pilot finds he has an enormous amount of unstable fuel on board. What would you do?
KARI: Jettison it.
DOCTOR: Perfectly normal procedure. Unfortunately, he ejects his fuel into a void.
KARI: And it exploded.
DOCTOR: Starting a chain reaction.
KARI: How big?
DOCTOR: Enormous. Biggest explosion of all time. Event One.
KARI: The Big Bang?
DOCTOR: Yes.
KARI: It isn't possible.
DOCTOR: A chemical reaction in a primeval swamp can create life on a planet. Why couldn't the universe be created by a similar chance factor, hmm?
KARI: But exploding fuel in space? It's almost too simple.
DOCTOR: It only appears simple because the circumstances were exactly right.
KARI: Well, if what you're saying is right, why wasn't Terminus destroyed in the explosion?
DOCTOR: Well, the pilot time-jumped the ship forward before realising how unstable the fuel was. The resulting shockwave must have caught up with him, boosting the ship billions of years into the future.
KARI: Killing the pilot and damaging the second engine.
DOCTOR: Yes.
KARI: If there was a second explosion, would it have the same effect as the jettisoned fuel?
DOCTOR: Not quite. Whereas the first explosion created the universe, the second would undoubtedly destroy it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: There it is. Emergency bypass. We'll soon have that door open.
TEGAN: Where's the light coming from?
TURLOUGH: It's nothing.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: What's happening?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Oh, no.
KARI: What?
DOCTOR: It wasn't the pilot's decision. The computer's just started an automatic sequence to jettison the unstable fuel. If we don't do something quickly, the whole universe will be destroyed. | |
doc_313 | Spike: Come on Twilight, you can do it!
Twilight: Okay, here goes.
(poof)
Spike: Ha-HA! You did it!
Growing magic. That's number ! Twenty-five different types of tricks and counting. (pleased) And I think this is the best trick so far. (suave) Hello, Rarity. What's that? Aw, it's nothin', just my AWESOME moustache!
(chuckles)
Twilight: Sorry, Romeo. As attractive and enticing as you look, it's just for practice and it's gotta go.
Spike: Wait! (poof, crestfallen) Aw, rats...
(Twilight giggles)
(theme song begins) My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ah, ah, ah, ah,
(My Little Pony) Twilight: I used to wonder what friendship could be (My Little Pony) Until you all shared its magic with me
Rainbow Dash: Big adventure
Pinkie Pie: Tons of fun
Rarity: A beautiful heart
Applejack: Faithful and strong
Fluttershy: Sharing kindness
Twilight: It's an easy feat
All: And magic makes it all complete, yeah (My Little Pony) Do you know, you're all my very best friends
Spike: Twenty-five, Twilight! Twenty-five different kinds of tricks and counting. I thought unicorns were only supposed to have a little magic that matches their special talent.
Twilight: True, for ponies whose talents are for things like cooking or singing or math, but what if a unicorn's special talent IS magic?
Spike: Like you, Twilight! And you know a TON of magic.
Twilight: (embarrassed) Oh, Spike, stop. I'm sure there are lots of ponies right here in Ponyville that know just as much magic as me...
Spike: Are you kiddin'?! I don't think there's another unicorn in all of Equestria with your kind of ability, Twilight.
Snails: (heavy Canadian accent) Gaaaangway! Comin' through!
(Spike grunts)
Spike: Snips...Snails...w-what's going on?!
Snails: Why, haven't you heard?
(Spike yelps, crashes)
There's a new unicorn in town!
Snips: (hyperventilating) Yeah! They say she's got more magical powers than any other unicorn EVER!
Twilight: Really?
Spike: Aw, no way. That honor goes to Twilight here!
Twilight: Where is this unicorn?
Trixie: (amplified) Come one! Come all! (trilling r's) Come and witness the amazing magic of the Grrreat and Powerrrful Trrrrixie!
(ponies ooh and ahh)
(theatrical) Watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of pony magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!
(pyrotechnics burst, fanfare plays)
Rarity: (unimpressed) My, my, my! What boasting!
Spike: Come on, no pony's as magical as Twili- (flustered) Twi- Twi- O-oh! (clears throat)
(bashful) Hey, Rarity, I, uh... MOUSTACHE!
Twilight: There's nothing wrong with being talented, is there?
Applejack: Nothin' at all, 'ceptin' when someone goes around showin' it off like a school filly with fancy new ribbons.
Rarity: Just because one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not make one better than the rest of us.
Rainbow Dash: Especially when ya got me around bein' better than the rest of us. (chuckles) Uh, I mean, (unconvincing) yeah, uh, magic-shmagic! Boo!
Trixie: Well, well, well. It looks like we have some (neighing) neigh [nay] sayers in the audience! Who is so IGNORANT as to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie?! Do they not know that they're in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?!
Rarity: (raspberry) Just WHO does she think she is?
Spike: Yeah! Since we all know that Twilight here is-
Twilight: (whispering) Spike! Shh!
Spike: What? What's wrong?
Twilight: Did you see how they reacted to Trixie? I don't want anyone thinking I'M a showoff!
(drumroll, fanfare, pyrotechnics)
Rainbow Dash: So, "Great and Powerful Trixie," what makes you think you're so awesome, anyway?
Trixie: (self-amused chuckle) Why, only the Great and Powerful Trixie has magic strong enough to VANQUISH! THE DREADED!
URSA MAJOR!
(fanfare, pyrotechnics)
(audience ahhs)
Snips: What?! Snails: No way!
Trixie: When all hope was lost, the ponies of Hoofington [Huffington] had no one to turn to,
(robotic growling) but the Great and Powerful Trixie stepped in,
(mechanical growling) and with her awesome magic
(static fizzle) vanquished the Ursa Major and sent it back to its cave
deep within the Everfree Forest!
Snips: Aw, sweet!
Snails: Sa-weet!
Snips: That settles it.
Snails: Trixie really is the most talented, most magical, most awesome unicorn in Ponyville.
Snips: No! In all of Equestria!
Spike: How d'you know?! You didn't see it! And besides, Twi- (zip) Mmf! Mmf!
(haughty chuckle)
(stroking ego) It's true, my enthusiastic little admirer. Trixie is most certainly the best in Ponyville!
(crickets chirping)
Well then, I hereby challenge you, (derisively) Ponyvillians:(boastful) Anything you can do, I can do better. Any takers? Anyone?
Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine that has EVER LIVED?!
(fanfare, pyrotechnics)
Spike: (unzips mouth, pleads) Ple-e-ease! She's unbearable! You gotta show her! You just gotta! (sobs)
Twilight: (whispering) There's no way I'm gonna use my magic now, Spike! Especially since-
Trixie: Hmm...how about...YOU!
(Twilight gulps nervously)
Trixie: Well, how about it? Hmm?
(condescending) Is there anything YOU can do that the Great and Powerful Trixie can't?!
Twilight: (meekly) I...I...
(banjo strumming)
Trixie: Well, little hayseed?
Applejack: That's it! I can't stand for no more o'this!
Spike: You show her, AJ!
Applejack: Can your magical powers do...THIS?!
(spirited country music, rope twirling)
(ponies ooh)
(spirited country music, rope twirling)
(spirited country music)
(chomps, gulps, music ends)
(ponies cheer raucously)
Applejack: Top THAT, missy.
Trixie: (unfazed) Oh ye of little talent.
Watch and be amazed at the magic of Trixie!
(Arabian music)
Applejack: Whoa! (grunts, crashes into ground)
(Arabian music)
(ponies cheer)
Trixie: Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie prevails.
Rainbow Dash: There's no need to go struttin' around and showin' off like that!
Trixie: Oh?
Rainbow Dash: That's MY job!
(rock music)
(windmill grinds)
(rock music)
(repeated thumps)
(rock music)
(rock music)
(rising pitch whoosh)
(rock music)
(whoosh, whoosh, whoosh)
(rock music)
(rising pitch whoosh)
(rock music)
(windmill grinds)
(rock music)
(whoosh, brakes squeal)
(rock music)
(rock music ends)
They don't call me "Rainbow" and "Dash" for nothin'!
(ponies cheer)
Trixie: When Trixie is through, the only thing they'll call you is loser.
(magical humming)
(Rainbow Dash screaming)
(sped up calliope music)
Rainbow Dash: (weakly) I think I'm gonna be...sick...
Trixie: Seems like any pony with a [Rainbow] "dash" of good sense would think twice before tussling with the Great Trixie!
(thunder, Rainbow Dash shrieks)
(ponies laugh, Trixie laughs haughtily)
Spike: What we need is another unicorn to challenge her!
(hinting) Someone with some magic of her own?
Rainbow Dash: Yeah! A unicorn to show THIS unicorn who's boss!
Applejack: A real unicorn-to-unicorn tussle!
Twilight: Uh...
Rarity: Enough. Enough, all of you. I take your hint, but Rarity is above such nonsense. Rainbow Dash and Applejack may behave like ruffians, but Rarity conducts herself with beauty and grace.
Trixie: (mocking) Ooh, what's the matter? (provoking) Afraid you'll get a hair out of place in that rat's nest you call a mane?
Rarity: Oh. It. Is. ON. You may think you're tough with all of your so-called "powers," but there's more to magic than your brutish ways. A unicorn needs to be more than just muscle.
A unicorn needs to have style.
(classical music)
(classical music)
A unicorn is not a unicorn without grace and beauty.
(classical music, audience oohs)
(magical humming)
(classical music)
Spike: Rarity won't let Trixie get the best of her!
(classical music)
She's strong, she's beautiful, she's- (poof)
(classical music)
(ponies gasp and recoil)
Rarity: (panicked) QUICK! I NEED A MIRROR! GET ME A MIRROR!
(squealing) What did she do to my hair?! I know she did something terrible to my hair!
Twilight: (nervously) N-nothing!
Rainbow Dash: (hastily) It's fine!
Applejack: (dazed) It's gorgeous!
Spike: (tactless) It's green. What?
Rarity: (tearing up) No! Green hair! Not green hair! (sobs theatrically) That's an awful, AWFUL color! (sobs)
Pony: Well, I never!
[supposed to be a green-haired female Carrot Top]
Spike: Well, Twilight, I guess it's up to you. Come on, show her what you're made of!
Twilight: (deflecting) What do you mean? I-I'm nothing special...
Spike: Yes you ARE! You're better than her!
Twilight: I'm not better than anyone!
Trixie: Hah! You think you're better than the Great and Powerful Trixie? You think you have MORE magical talent? (provoking) Well, come on. Show Trixie what you've got. Show us all.
Twilight: Who, me? I'm just your run-of-the-mill citizen of Ponyville! No powerful magic here. I, uh, think I hear my laundry calling. Sorry!
Spike: Twilight?
Trixie: Ha! Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie has proven herself to be the most amazing unicorn in all of Equestria! (under breath) Was there ever any doubt?
Snips: Here's the smoothie you asked for! With extra hay! Just how you like it.
Snails: (slow, dull speech) Mm, hay.
(slurping)
Trixie: (annoyed) Yes?
Snips: Oh! Tell us another story, Great and Powerful Trixie!
Snails: Yeah, tell us about how you vanquished the Ursa Major!
Trixie: (derisively) Hmph! TRIXIE is far too exhausted from performing feats beyond imagination.
BEGONE with you until morning.
Snails: Oh, of course, Great and Powerful Trixie!
Snips: Anything you say! We are at your beck and call!
(sighs haughtily)
Spike: What're YOU two doin'?
Snips: Just bringin' the G. and P. T. a-
Spike: ...The what?
Snips: The Great and Powerful Trixie!
Spike: Sheesh.
Snips: Just bringin' her a smoothie!
Spike: How can you fall for her lameness?! She's just a showoff.
Spike: Unlike Twilight, who-
Snips: The Great and Powerful Trixie vanquished an Ursa Major.
Can your "Twilight" claim that?
Spike: Oh, really? Were you guys actually there?
Snips: Well, eh...uh...no, but-
Spike: But nothin'. The proof is in the pudding!
Snails: (slow-witted laughter) I like pudding.
Spike: ...Look, unless an Ursa Major comes waltzing up the street for Trixie to vanquish, I am NOT gonna believe a word she says! And neither should you!
Snips: Hmm! An Ursa walkin' up the street, eh? (a la Brain [Pinky and the Brain]) Snails, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Snails: (a la Pinky) Why is it they call it a flea market when they don't really sell fleas?
Snips: Yeah! Uh... (doubletakes) Oh, uh...come on!
Spike: Twilight, would you put down that book and just listen to me?
Twilight: Didn't you see how they hated Trixie's bragging, Spike? If I go out there and show off my magic, I run the risk of losing them as friends.
Spike: It's not the same thing, Twilight! You'd be using your magic to stand up for your friends!
Twilight: No, Spike! It's exactly the same!
Spike: Come on, Twilight. Any one of these tricks, even the teeniest, would be enough to show up Trixie.
Twilight: I don't wanna be seen as a bragger like Trixie!
(door slams shut)
Spike: (opens door) But you're the BEST!
Twilight: (exasperated sigh) Please, Spike! I said, "No!"
Spike: (sighs) If that's the way you wanna be, fine. (slams door)
(door opens)
(spooky theremin music)
(owl hoots)
(spooky theremin music)
Snips: (apprehensively) Oh, how we gonna find an Ursa Major when I can't even see my own hoof in front of my face?!
Snails: Hold on!
(grunts fiercely)
Snips: Oh! Heh, that's better.
(low growl)
(growling)
(Snails screams)
(Snails and Snips scream)
(Snails and Snips scream, Ursa roars)
(Spike kicking rock)
(melancholy harp music)
(Snips screaming)
Spike: Hey, guys.
(Snails panting) Where ya goin'?
Snips: Can't talk now!
Snails: Got a "MAJOR" problem!
Snips: Yeah! URSA Major, to be exact!
(roar)
Spike: ...Huh?
(paw impacts ground)
(roar)
Snips and Snails: TRIXIIIIE!
Spike: Twilight!
(loud thuds, trees falling)
(Snips and Snails banging on door and clamoring for Trixie)
Trixie: (annoyed) Trixie thought she said the Great and Powerful Trixie did not want to be disturbed!
Snips: (nervous laughter) We-We have a...a tiny problem...
Snails: (flatly) Actually, it's a big one.
Trixie: WHAT is so important that you cannot wait until morning to disturb Trixie?!
(distant roar, thud)
(repeated thuds)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(fierce roar)
(Trixie screams)
(Snips and Snails scream)
(Ursa snarls, crushes cart)
(roar)
Spike: (frantic) Twilight! You've gotta come! Quick!
Twilight: I've already told you, Spike! I don't wanna show up Trixie!
Spike: No! You don't understand! It's-
(roar, thud)
Twilight: (nervously) ...Uh, is that what I think it is?
Spike: [Ursa] Majorly...
Snips: Great and Powerful Trixie! You've got to vanquish the Ursa!
Snails: (oblivious) Yeah! Vanquish so we can watch!
Snips: It took a LOT of trouble to get that thing here!
Trixie: Wait! YOU brought this here?! (gasps) Are you out of your little pony MINDS?!
Snips: But...you're the Great and Powerful Trixie!
Snails: Yeah, remember? You defeated an Ursa Major!
(Ursa roars)
Trixie: (nervously) U-uh, okay...
(gulps) Stand back...
(Arabian music)
(uncertain) Heh! Piece o'cake!
(snap)
Snips: Aw, c'mon, Trixie!
Snails: (very Canadian) Stop goofin' around and vanquish it, eh?
(Trixie gasps, gulps)
(ominous music)
(thunder)
Snails: (flatly) Well. That was a dud.
Snips: Yeah, c'mon! Where's all the cool explosions and smoke and stuff like earlier?! You know!
(Ursa winces)
(Ursa growls)
Trixie: (meekly) Uh-oh.
(roar)
(ponies screaming)
(Ursa roars)
(Ursa roars, ponies gasp fearfully)
(roar, crash)
(ponies panicking)
Twilight: What's going on?!
Snips: (proudly) We brought an Ursa to town!
Twilight: You WHAT?!
Snails: Don't worry! The Great and Powerful Trixie'll vanquish it!
Trixie: (defeated) I can't.
Snips and Snails: What?!
Trixie: Uh, I can't. I never have.
No one can vanquish an Ursa Major. I just made the whole story up to make me look better!
Snips and Snails: Made it up?!
(guttural growl)
(roar)
(ponies gasp)
(Twilight gulps)
(Ursa growls, paws impact ground)
(Twilight groans, wind blows)
(lullaby-style music from cattails)
(Ursa growls, subsides)
(lullaby-style music from cattails)
Spike: Nice use of Number !
(rising volume magical chiming)
(metal creaking)
(water flowing)
(magical chiming)
(cows mooing in contented surprise)
Deeper-voiced cow: Call me, don'tcha know?
Spike: ...That's new.
(metallic clank)
(Ursa growling sleepily)
(Twilight grunting heavily)
(Ursa slurping)
(Ursa sucking noisily)
(loud magical humming)
(sucking)
(Twilight grunts exhaustedly)
(ponies cheering)
Spike: Unbelievable!
That was amazing!
Applejack: Heavens to Betsy! We knew you had ability, but not THAT much!
Twilight: I'm sorry! Please, please don't hate me!
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity: Hate you?!
Rarity: Why, whatever do you mean, darling?
Twilight: Well, I know how much you all hated Trixie showing off with her magic tricks, and I just thought-
Rainbow Dash: Whoa, whoa, whoa. MAGIC'S got nothin' to do with it!
Rainbow Dash: Trixie's just a loudmouth.
Rarity: MOST unpleasant.
Applejack: All hat and no cattle.
Twilight: So...you don't mind my magic tricks?
Applejack: Your magic is a part o'who you are, sugarcube, and we like who you are. We're proud to have such a powerful, talented unicorn as our friend.
Rainbow Dash: And after whuppin' that Ursa's hindquarters, we're even prouder!
Twilight: You are?!
Rainbow Dash: Uh-huh!
Applejack and Rarity: Mm-hmm!
Spike: Wow, Twilight! How'd you know what to do with that Ursa Major?!
Twilight: That's what I was doing when you came looking for me! I was so intrigued by Trixie's bragging that I was compelled to do a little reading up on them.
Spike: So, it IS possible to vanquish an Ursa Major all by yourself?
Twilight: That wasn't an Ursa Major. That was a baby. An Ursa MINOR.
Trixie: THAT was just a baby?!
Twilight: And it wasn't rampaging. It was just cranky because SOMEone woke it up.
(Snips and Snails groan bashfully)
Spike: Well...if that was an Ursa Minor, then... (fearfully) what's an Ursa MAJOR like?!
(Ursa Minor growls contentedly)
Twilight: ...You don't wanna know.
Trixie: (haughtily) Hah! You may have vanquished an Ursa MINOR, but you will never have the amazing, show-stopping ability
of the Great and Powerful Trixie!
(poof, hooves clop into distance)
Rainbow Dash: Why, that little...!
Twilight: Just let her go.
Maybe someday she'll learn her lesson. Now...About you two.
Snips: Uh, (nervous chuckle) we're sorry that we woke up the Ursa Minor...
Snails: We just wanted to see some AWESOME MAGIC!
Snips: Yeah! And the way you vanquished that Ursa Minor was...AWESOME!
Snails: We deserve whatever punishment you give us.
Twilight: For starters, you can clean up this mess. And... What do you think, Spike? Should I give them... (ominously) Number ?
Spike: Ohhh, Twenty-five, yes! And I think I deserve it, too.
Snips and Snails: Huh?!
Twilight: I think you're right.
(humming)
(three pops)
Snips, Snails, Spike: Sweeeet!
Twilight: (voice-over) "Dear Princess Celestia,
I have learned a very valuable lesson about friendship. I was so afraid of being thought of as a show-off that I was hiding a part of who I am. My friends helped me realize that it's okay to be proud of your talents, and there are times when it's appropriate to show them off... especially when you're standing up for your friends."
Spike: So, you finally admit that you're the most talented unicorn in all of Ponyville?
Twilight: Well...yeah. But it's nothing to brag about. But it's nothing to brag about. So, uh, how did it go with Rarity?
Spike: (sighs) She didn't go for the moustache.
Twilight: You know, Spike, that moustache has nothing to do with who you really are. Maybe you should just try being yourself!
Spike: Or...maybe the moustache wasn't enough! Maybe if I had a moustache AND a beard!
Twilight: Oh, not THIS again...
Spike: Okay, imagine me with a nice, long Fu Manchu type beard. Or maybe a goatee. Or, no... (ending theme begins) My Little Pony My Little Pony
(instrumental)
My Little Pony, friends | |
doc_314 | PAUL ERICKSON & LESLEY SCOTT
05:15pm-05:40pm
[SCENE_BREAK]
1: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
ZENTOS: (Shouts.) I invoke the special galactic law against them. Hold them! Take them into custody and later they will be made to answer for the crime that they have committed!
STEVEN: Look, listen to us...
ZENTOS: Take them away!
(The travellers are dragged away. ZENTOS steps down and goes over to where MELLIUM is tending to her near-unconscious father. Other Guardians surround them.)
MELLIUM: What about my father?
ZENTOS: He may well die, but then again, so might all of us.
(The other Guardians react with shock to this statement.)
ZENTOS: In which case, it was pointless leaving.
(He turns and looks at the giant monitor screen on which is shown the Earth as it travels on to its doom...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
(The travellers have been placed in a basically furnished room. The DOCTOR is looking through a small window in the locked door. STEVEN rests on a padded bench whilst DODO sits at a table.)
STEVEN: What do you think they'll do to us Doctor?
DOCTOR: (Turns.) Well, I'm not sure, dear boy. We shall just have to wait and see.
DODO: (Upset.) It's all my fault. If I'd known it was going to be like this, I'd never have come.
DOCTOR: Well you did come, my dear, so it's too late to be worry about that - and stop sniffling!
DODO: I'm not sniffling - it's me nose running again! Anyway, I'm feeling better now but I don't suppose anyone cares.
DOCTOR: But of course they care, my dear. Now don't worry. It's not your fault at all. If it's anybody's, it's mine.
STEVEN: Look, do you think this has happened before? That we've carried an infection from one age to another, or even one planet to another?
DOCTOR: Oh, I don't want to think it...about it, too...dear boy, it's too horrifying. Though I must say that we're usually very healthy.
(DODO coughs and sneezes behind him.)
STEVEN: It'll spread through the whole ship, become an epidemic.
DOCTOR: Well that depends on the strength of the virus infection.
DODO: (Crying.) If it's half as bad as my cold was, it will.
DOCTOR: Oh, do blow your nose child! It's running all over the place.
DODO: No, it isn't. I'm crying this time!
(The DOCTOR is momentarily at a loss. Then he puts his arm and across the young girls shoulder and pats her gently.)
DOCTOR: Well look, my dear, do try and rest, you know you may be feeling better but your far from cured, hmm?
(He crosses to the door.)
DOCTOR: Oh, if only those wretched Guardians would let us out of here. I'd be able to help, mm? Hmm!
[SCENE_BREAK]
3: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(MANYAK signs to a MONOID as ZENTOS looks at monitor screens on the control desk.)
ZENTOS: Look.
(MANYAK signals to the MONOID to go, then he turns and joins ZENTOS in looking at a small monitor.)
ZENTOS: That's another victim. It's not showing any signs of abating.
(The monitor shows a MONOID on the transporter collapsing at the base of the statue. Two Guardians rush to assist. ZENTOS adjusts a control and the image changes.)
ZENTOS: And look!
(The image now shows the jungle outside the TARDIS. A MONOID collapses against the ship...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
4: INT. ARK. JUNGLE
(...and then falls on the jungle floor. It gives out agonised cries in its death throes, then lies still.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
ZENTOS: That's another victim...another death, and more human Guardians have also been taken ill. Thank heaven none of them has died yet.
MANYAK: What will happen if one does?
ZENTOS: It'll be disaster. Each man has his allotted task. No one had reckoned on this eventuality.
MANYAK: There must be something we can do about it.
ZENTOS: Our micro-virologists are trying to find the answer. One of them is with the Commander now.
(They look across the control deck to a closed room, outside of which are two MONOIDS on guard.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
6: INT. ARK. COMMANDER'S ROOM
(The COMMANDER lies delirious on his bed. MELLIUM tends him watched by RHOS, a micro-virologist and a MONOID. All three wear perspex mouth masks to protect them from the germs. RHOS takes MELLIUM to one side. They takes their masks off to speak.)
MELLIUM: Is there nothing you can do?
RHOS: Unfortunately, the data covering this type of fever was lost long ago. In the primal wars of the tenth segment.
COMMANDER: (Weakly.) Mellium...
(She puts her mask back on and crosses to her father.)
MELLIUM: Yes father?
COMMANDER: (Weakly.) I seem to be drifting back and forth...unconsciousness...to moments of sudden clarity.
MELLIUM: Perhaps it's better that you shouldn't talk.
COMMANDER: No...must, I must... Promise me, Mellium, should anything happen to me...
MELLIUM: Oh, you mustn't talk this way!
COMMANDER: Should anything happen, do all in you power, along with the others...to make sure the voyage continues.
MELLIUM: Of course, father.
COMMANDER: What...
MELLIUM: But soon, you'll get well.
COMMANDER: What happens to me is not so important. Or you for that matter, or any one of us...but the voyage and the eventual landing of our descendants on the planet Refusis - that is! That's the only thing that's important. Remember that.
MELLIUM: Yes father.
(A slow drumbeat sounds starts up. RHOS and MELLIUM look round.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
(DODO, also hearing the sound, raises her head. She crosses over to the door where the DOCTOR watches.)
DODO: What is it?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
DODO: It sounds like savages.
[SCENE_BREAK]
8: INT. ARK. CORRIDOR
(Four MONOIDS carry one of their kind wrapped in a burial shroud.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(They enter the control deck where Guardians watch in respectful silence. ZENTOS stands on the COMMANDER'S dais.)
ZENTOS: Proceed with the preparations for ejection. Commit the body to space burial.
(MANYAK signals to the MONOIDS who take the body over to a transporter. Once the body has been placed on it, a MONDOID drives away. A door marked "LAUNCHING BAY" shuts behind it.)
MANYAK: It is over.
(He switches on a monitor on the instrument panel. The screen shows a door sliding open on the curved exterior of the Ark, then the body is ejected and spins off into space. ZENTOS addresses the crowd from the dais.)
ZENTOS: Guardians, Monoids, before it is too late, before we are stricken by the fever ourselves, we must make the strangers answer for the terrible crime they have committed.
(The crowd agrees loudly, out of which can be heard the voice of one female GUARDIAN.)
2nd GUARDIAN: Yes, they must be tried and punished.
ZENTOS: A hearing will commence at once. As Deputy Commander, I will preside. Baccu has undertaken to put the charges.
(ZENTOS points at BACCU. The crowd mutters in approval.)
1st GUARDIAN: ... best man for ...
ZENTOS: Will anyone speak for the prisoners?
(The Guardians look uncomfortably at each other. Seeing this, MANYAK steps forward.)
MANYAK: I will.
(MELLIUM joins him.)
MELLIUM: And I.
(ZENTOS stares at her.)
MELLIUM: My father would wish it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
10: INT. ARK. COMMANDER'S ROOM
(A masked MONOID adjusts a wall monitor in the COMMANDER'S room in order that he can watch proceedings.)
MELLIUM: (OOV: On monitor.) His only desire was that justice should be done and a sensible solution to this crisis be found.
COMMANDER: Yes...yes...!
[SCENE_BREAK]
11: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
(A similar wall monitor in the time travellers room shows an image of ZENTOS addressing the Guardians on the control deck. He reads a document.)
ZENTOS: (OOV: On monitor.) The law that has been broken is the following...
DODO: Look Doctor, they've switched the television on.
ZENTOS: (OOV: On monitor.) In that the spaceship represents the only means by which Earth life may be extended and perpetuated, the Guardian for the time being in charge of the ship, shall have absolute power to punish or restrain any life-form that endangers...
[SCENE_BREAK]
12: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
ZENTOS: ...the success of its mission, by expulsion from the ship, miniaturisation or such lesser penalty as he shall deem fit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
13: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
DODO: Some sort of trial?
(The DOCTOR considers.)
ZENTOS: (OOV: On monitor.) I call on Baccu to detail the charge.
DOCTOR: Yes, my dear, and we are the accused, hmm!
(MELLIUM appears on the monitor.)
MELLIUM: (OOV: On monitor.) Doctor, Manyak and I believe your story. We've offered to speak in your defence but at least one of you must give evidence.
DOCTOR: Of course.
STEVEN: I must go.
DOCTOR: What?
(STEVEN stands but he is breathing heavily.)
STEVEN: Doctor, I must. I'm getting stifled in here. I must go and do something, even if it's only to show them how stupid they are wasting time with trials and speeches. After all, the only important thing now is to let you organise finding a cure.
DOCTOR: Very well then, if only they'll listen.
MELLIUM: (OOV: On monitor.) They'll probably ask you to speak next, Doctor.
DOCTOR: My dear, I only want to help!
(The image vanishes. The door to the room opens and a MONOID enters. It gestures and STEVEN leaves the room. The DOCTOR and DODO turn back to the monitor on which the control deck is now shown, full of waiting Guardians.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(The hearing has begun. BACCU approaches STEVEN who is held within a barred cage which is again covered with a plastic covering against the fever. ZENTOS presides from the COMMANDER'S dais.)
BACCU: My contention is that it was no accident that this disaster has happened. I say that you came here intentionally - to spread the disease...
STEVEN: But that's utter nonsense. I mean how can you possibly...
BACCU: ...and that you are agents of the planet towards which this spaceship is proceeding. That you came here to destroy us.
STEVEN: Why? We're human beings like you are. Well, why should we?
ZENTOS: (Shouts.) There is the crux of the matter. Do you expect us to believe that nonsense, that you manage in that ridiculous machine called the TARDIS, have managed to travel through time? Guardians, Monoids, these beings, whatever they are, place a heavy strain on our credulity.
STEVEN: Well that's not very difficult! If your medical records are anything to go by, this segment of time, far from being one of the most advanced in knowledge, is one of the worst!
ZENTOS: (Standing in anger.) We can cope with all things known to the fifty-seventh segment of Earth life, but not with strange diseases brought by you - as agents of the intelligences that inhabit Refusis!
STEVEN: Are you still on about that? I've told you before; we know nothing of that planet!
ZENTOS: My instincts, every fibre of my being, tells me differently.
STEVEN: And that, unfortunately, tells me only one thing.
ZENTOS: What's that?
(STEVEN is now sweating heavily.)
STEVEN: That the nature of man, even in this day and age, hasn't altered at all. You still fear...the unknown, like everyone else before you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
15: INT. ARK. COMMANDER'S ROOM
(The proceedings are being watched in the COMMANDER'S room. The old man himself still lies weakly on his bed.)
COMMANDER: That's true! True!
ZENTOS: (OOV: On monitor.) That won't stop me from coping with it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
16: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
STEVEN: How? By destroying us? By ejecting us into space?
ZENTOS: If that is the voted finding of this hearing - yes!
MANYAK: Steven, prove to us your good faith. Would your friend, the Doctor, have any knowledge how to deal with this fever?
STEVEN: Yes, he probably would if you'd let him out of that cell so that he had a chance to experiment.
ZENTOS: Yes, of course he would! He would love that...and by such means spread the fever even further and faster. Perhaps even kill one of the Guardians.
(He turns to the Guardians.)
ZENTOS: Are we to be fooled by such tricks?
(The angry Guardians shout "No!".)
ZENTOS: Are we to be taken in by such nonsense?
(They shout "No!" again.)
ZENTOS: Do these creatures have the outward appearance of human beings?
(The Guardians are now extremely angry.)
2nd GUARDIAN: They are enemies - they should be punished!
1st GUARDIAN: That's right! Let them be taken to the ejector chamber! They must be thrown ...
(STEVEN is now hit hard by the fever.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
17: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
DODO: Doctor, look at Steven. Is he all right?
DOCTOR: (Worried.) I hope so, my dear, I hope so.
DODO: Do you think he may have caught the fever?
DOCTOR: Well, I'm afraid he may have. It appears that this virus is more virulent than I suspected.
[SCENE_BREAK]
18: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(MANYAK steps forward and tries to shout over the raging Guardians.)
MANYAK: Guardians listen!
(His words have no effect. He walks over and stands beneath the COMMANDER'S dais.)
MANYAK: Guardians, listen to me. This is a court of law!
(ZENTOS stands up and shouts.)
ZENTOS: Let him speak!
(The Guardians fall silent.)
ZENTOS: This is a fair hearing.
MANYAK: My view for reason in this matter is simple and direct. The Doctor and his companions have not denied that they brought the fever among us. They said it was an accident, and I believe them.
1st GUARDIAN: But that's nonsense...!
MANYAK: For the simple reason that if they were in fact agents of the Refusians, they could have a...achieved their objective in a much simpler way. One in which they would not have exposed themselves to this danger.
2nd GUARDIAN: But they're Refusians!
1st GUARDIAN: That's no argument!
MANYAK: Then I have another; the fever is here. We have no answer for it and it might well be that they are the only ones who can cure it.
ZENTOS: Our micro-virologists may still find an answer.
MANYAK: Perhaps...but if we were to agree that the Doctor and his friends could, what is the value in expelling them from the spaceship?
[SCENE_BREAK]
19: INT. ARK. COMMANDER'S ROOM
COMMANDER: (Still watching the monitor.) None at all. If Manyak and my daughter can see that, why can't they?
[SCENE_BREAK]
20: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(As the Guardians start to discuss the verdict amongst themselves, BACCU runs forward and joins ZENTOS on the COMMANDER'S dais. He turns to the crowd.)
BACCU: Guardians, listen to me! I've just had news of another disaster; one of our kind, one of the Guardians has died from the fever.
(The crowd is shocked.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
(The DOCTOR'S face shows the trouble that they now find themselves in.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
22: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
ZENTOS: Do you want to hear more? Never mind the arguments of the defender because now they are nothing - now that one of our own kind had died. So Guardians, what is your answer to the charge? Do you find the prisoner guilty or not guilty?
(They all shout "Guilty!" except for MANYAK and MELLIUM who give the opposite verdict but their cries are drowned out.)
ZENTOS: Is it your vote that we exact the full penalty of the special galactic law?
(The cries are mostly "Yes" with the defendants shouting "No". ZENTOS jumps to his feet.)
ZENTOS: So be it! They shall be taken from this place and expelled from the ship...and the privilege of execution, in that they were the first to be struck by the fever, will be granted to the Monoids.
MELLIUM: But the verdict is wrong!
MANYAK: Yes, but it is the voted verdict. There is nothing we can do about it.
(Several MONOID'S approach the cage as STEVEN collapses against the bars of the cage.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
23: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
DODO: Doctor, something is wrong with Steven!
[SCENE_BREAK]
24: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(STEVEN falls to the floor of the cage...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
(Two masked Guardians help STEVEN to the bench in the room. They are about to leave when...)
DOCTOR: Stop! I demand fair play! This young man is as ill as anyone of your own people. How do you expect him to plead in his own defence, hmm?
(ZENTOS' voice calls out from the wall monitor. The DOCTOR spins round to look at his image.)
ZENTOS: (OOV: On monitor.) The verdict of the court was passed that you are guilty.
[SCENE_BREAK]
26: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
ZENTOS: You and your party have been condemned by an overwhelming majority and your sentence is ejection into space.
(The DOCTOR similarly appears on ZENTOS' monitor.)
DOCTOR: (OOV: On monitor.) Are you aware that you might be committing your entire community to a slow extinction? Trust me! Allow me, help me to find a new cure for this fever of yours.
ZENTOS: The verdict has been given.
(He switches the monitor off. He starts to walk off the dais but sees MANYAK and BACCU waiting for him.)
ZENTOS: Well?
MANYAK: You are right, of course.
BACCU: Of course, there's no question.
MANYAK: But can we not afford to take a chance? After all, the old man was the first to diagnose the illness. For that reason alone, he may be able to find a cure.
ZENTOS: No. Sentence will be carried out. Baccu, assemble the Monoids, they may proceed.
BACCU: Very well.
(BACCU steps down and signals to a group of MONOIDS. They start to make their way off the control deck when the voice of the COMMANDER echoes around the chamber.)
COMMANDER: (OOV.) Wait! This has gone far enough.
[SCENE_BREAK]
27: INT. ARK. COMMANDER'S ROOM
(MELLIUM and RHOS support the COMMANDER as he sits up from his sick bed and uses his last vestiges of energy to re-assert his authority. MELLIUM holds up a microphone.)
COMMANDER: Zentos, this is your Commander speaking. I order you to release the travellers immediately. They will be given every facility for research. They may be our only hope. See to it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
28: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(ZENTOS switches on a communicator on the COMMANDER'S dais.)
ZENTOS: But the hearing decided differently, Commander. These people are dangerous!
[SCENE_BREAK]
29: INT. ARK. COMMANDER'S ROOM
COMMANDER: Don't argue with me Zentos! Those are my instructions. In case you are right, I wish the Doctor to use his young friend as a guinea pig. If he succeeds in curing him, then I will set aside the verdict of the court. Now - proceed.
(Exhausted, the old man lies back.)
MELLIUM: Thank you father.
[SCENE_BREAK]
30: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(Defeated, ZENTOS flicks off the switch.)
ZENTOS: Very well. If he has not decided wisely, we will not live to know it.
(ZENTOS nods to confirm the order and strides off angrily.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
31: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
(The DOCTOR has been watching these undertakings on the monitor. He turns to two masked Guardians.)
DOCTOR: (Energetically.) At last we're near a solution! We must waste no more time. Now you two, get the boy up to the table.
(They lift an unconscious STEVEN off the couch and carry him across to the table. As the DOCTOR starts to write in a notepad, the door opens and MELLIUM runs in, taking off her mask.)
MELLIUM: Is there anything we can do to help, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes, cover him, we must keep him warm at once.
MELLIUM: Warm? But he's already sweating with the fever in the same way that my father is?
DOCTOR: My dear young lady, please do as you're told! Now, where is that other young woman I want?
DODO: (Stepping forward.) Here I am Doctor.
(The DOCTOR rips a sheet out of his notepad and passes it to DODO.)
DOCTOR: Oh good, now look here - go to the TARDIS and bring these things back for me will you?
(MELLIUM has taken the coverings off the wall couch.)
MELLIUM: Will these do?
DOCTOR: Yes, certainly, fine, fine.
(She takes them over to STEVEN.)
DODO: (To the DOCTOR.) How will I know where to find them?
DOCTOR: Well open your eyes, my dear child, otherwise you'll...you won't be any use to me will you?
DODO: Okay.
(She turns to leave.)
DOCTOR: (Laughs, then.) What did you say?
DODO: I said "Okay".
DOCTOR: Yes, I thought you did. Now once this crisis is over, I...I'm going to teach you to speak English.
(BACCU and RHOS are also in the room.)
BACCU: I shall go with her.
DOCTOR: Right, off you go.
(They leave.)
RHOS: Doctor, our virologists are willing to give you all the help you need. Can you describe the virus responsible?
DOCTOR: Yes, I...
MELLIUM: (Interrupting.) I've wrapped Steven warmly. Is there anything else I can do?
DOCTOR: Yes, now I want you to find all the sick people in this spaceship and give them the same treatment.
MELLIUM: You mean keep them warm?
DOCTOR: Exactly, my child, yes.
MELLIUM: Very well.
DOCTOR: Oh, and my child?
MELLIUM: Doctor?
DOCTOR: That also includes your father.
(She leaves the room. The DOCTOR turns to BACCU.)
DOCTOR: Now, this germ...this germ is...
[SCENE_BREAK]
32: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(ZENTOS watches silently as DODO, BACCU and four MONOIDS return laden from their trip to the TARDIS. Nearby, RHOS and MANYAK talk.)
RHOS: The vaccine was used as long ago as the twentieth century and then was lost in the time of the primal wars.
BACCU: Is that what he's trying to find now? The old vaccine?
RHOS: Yes, he says it's, er, a natural compound derived from animal membranes. We only need to take single specimens and then we can release the animals again, but it means that a large scale hunt has to be organised out there in the jungle.
BACCU: Well, leave that to me. I'll collect a party of Guardians and Monoids. Tell us what animals you need.
RHOS: Well, we need two...
[SCENE_BREAK]
33: INT. ARK. JUNGLE
(The hunt takes place. One MONOID sees to a near-unconscious Elephant whilst another deals with a lizard, collecting the specimens in test tubes.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
34: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
(The DOCTOR works on the specimens, assisted by a masked MONOID.)
DOCTOR: Yes, I know I'm a bit of a quack, but...the combination of these two membrane fluids, a little at a time, should do the trick.
(The MONOID passes the DOCTOR a test tube before he need ask for it.)
DOCTOR: Ah, thank you, thank you. You know, you're far more knowledgeable than most people realise, aren't you? (Laughs.)
(The DOCTOR adds to the contents and then takes the test tube over to STEVEN, who is being nursed by DODO.)
DOCTOR: Now, my dear Dodo, how is he?
DODO: He's conscious Doctor, but only just. Are you going to try it now?
DOCTOR: Well, I don't see why not, yes now, where is that sterilised postule?
(He turns. The MONOID is already there with a tray on which rests the postule. The DOCTOR starts to prepare the drug for STEVEN.)
DOCTOR: Oh, thank you, thank you, yes, you know I don't know what I would do without you. (Laughs.)
DODO: Do you really think it will work?
DOCTOR: Well, I don't see why not, my dear, providing I've...mixed these properly. Now...
DODO: And what if you haven't?
DOCTOR: Oh, don't let's...don't let that cross our minds, for heavens sake.
(The DOCTOR places a patch over STEVEN'S arm.)
DOCTOR: Now then, here we are.
DODO: Don't you have to squirt it into his arm?
DOCTOR: What with a hypodermic needle? Good gracious, no. That went out a long time ago.
(STEVEN stirs faintly.)
DOCTOR: There we are. Now all we have to do is to wait and watch. (To the MONOID.) Come along.
DODO: Where are you going?
DOCTOR: I'm going to treat the others precisely the same way as I've treated Steven.
DODO: Isn't that a bit dodgy? I mean, he was supposed to be the Guinea pig, wasn't he?
DOCTOR: Well it's going to be much dodgier my child, as you say, if I just sat and did nothing. (Laughs.) Come along.
(The DOCTOR and the MONOID leave as DODO returns to STEVEN.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
35: INT. ARK. COMMANDER'S ROOM
(Watched by MELLIUM and RHOS, the DOCTOR treats the COMMANDER in the same way. The old man's breathing is very feverish.)
DOCTOR: There now - just relax...and rest.
MELLIUM: Is there anything further I can do?
DOCTOR: No, it's just a matter of time, my dear. (To the MONOID.) Come along.
[SCENE_BREAK]
36: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(The DOCTOR and his MONOID assistant walk out of the COMMANDER'S room and past a waiting ZENTOS. BACCU walks up to ZENTOS.)
MANYAK: How long must we wait?
BACCU: They weren't sure. Apparently once the injection has been given, there's no way to hurry the response of the patient.
MANYAK: Zentos is waiting like a vulture. But just in case the treatment doesn't work...
(They turn and look at him.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
37: INT. ARK. TRAVELLER'S ROOM
(STEVEN is feverish. Whilst DODO watches, the DOCTOR consults a large book.)
DOCTOR: Yes, I, er, I think I've given him the right treatment, hmm. (Laughs.)
DODO: Doctor, it's along time now since you gave him that stuff and the fever only seems to be getting worse.
DOCTOR: Hmm? Well, it's about an hour, my dear.
(He puts the book down and walks over to the table.)
DOCTOR: Seems to be reacting quite normally, yes, he's fighting it. (Laughs.)
(STEVEN gives out a gasp of breath and his head falls back. The DOCTOR feels his brow.)
DODO: Has something gone wrong?
DOCTOR: The fever's down...and the temperatures dropped, hmm!
DODO: You mean?
DOCTOR: I mean he's going to be all right, my dear. (Laughs.)
(DODO runs excitedly out of the room...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
38: INT. ARK. CORRIDOR
(...and along a corridor...)
[SCENE_BREAK]
39: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(...arriving at the control deck. She runs past a group of Guardians up to MANYAK and BACCU.)
DODO: It's all right! Steven's much better - everything's going to be all right!
(The Guardians give a cry of relief and start to chat amongst themselves. DODO runs to the COMMANDER'S room, past ZENTOS.)
MANYAK: (To BACCU.) I told you it would be.
(The DOCTOR walks onto the command deck and up to ZENTOS.)
DOCTOR: You have nothing further to worry about, sir. The sick have been tended to and the others immunised against further attack.
ZENTOS: (Smiling.) Thank you Doctor. So you were right after all.
(DODO and MELLIUM run back.)
DODO: Doctor, the Commander's fever's gone down so he's going to be all right.
DOCTOR: Oh! Splendid, splendid!
(The Guardians again start to excitedly talk, but they are interrupted by BACCU who points up at the large monitor screen.)
BACCU: Look! The scan of Earth!
(The chamber falls silent as they all look at the image on the screen. The planet Earth, smoke pouring out of it, falls through space to its final doom...)
ZENTOS: The last moment has come...
[SCENE_BREAK]
40: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (LATER)
(Later, the TARDIS crew say their goodbyes to the COMMANDER and the Guardians at the base of the unfinished statue.)
DOCTOR: Now, you can c...continue with the building of your statue and when it's finished, I'm sure it's going to look very beautiful.
MELLIUM: Yes, our descendants will know its meaning when they put the finishing touches to it.
STEVEN: In seven hundred years time.
MELLIUM: Yes, in seven hundred years time.
DOCTOR: Well, we must be off. Goodbye sir.
COMMANDER: Goodbye. (They shake hands.)
DOCTOR: (To MELLIUM.) Goodbye, my dear.
MELLIUM: Goodbye Doctor.
DODO: (To the COMMANDER.) Goodbye
COMMANDER: Goodbye
(As DODO and STEVEN continue to say their goodbyes, the DOCTOR walks past a waiting transporter and up to ZENTOS.)
ZENTOS: Doctor, for the fact that I mistrust you...misjudged you, I'm sorry.
DOCTOR: Remember your journey is very important, young man, therefore you must travel with understanding as well as hope. Goodbye Zentos.
ZENTOS: Goodbye Doctor.
(They shake hands. The DOCTOR climbs aboard the transporter where STEVEN and DODO wait for him. The MONOID drives it off and the travellers wave to the Guardians as they go.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
41: INT. ARK. JUNGLE
(The transporter travels through the jungle and comes to rest outside the TARDIS. The three travellers get off and enter the ship, DODO waving to the MONOID as they go. The door shuts and the TARDIS dematerialises. The MONOID reverses the transporter away.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
42: INT. ARK. JUNGLE
(The TARDIS re-materialises - back in the same jungle. The DOCTOR walks out of the ship as DODO calls to him from within.)
DODO: (OOV: Inside the TARDIS.) Can we go out now?
DOCTOR: You really must let me go first child.
(He steps into their familiar surroundings.)
DOCTOR: Oh...
(STEVEN steps out, followed by DODO.)
DOCTOR: Well, that's strange. Something must have gone wrong. It appears we've landed back in the same place.
STEVEN: How?
DOCTOR: (Indicating the jungle.) Take a look at this, my boy. Isn't that extraordinary? Well now, that's inexplicable.
[SCENE_BREAK]
43: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK
(DODO runs onto a quiet control deck, followed by STEVEN.)
DODO: Mellium! Baccu! They can't be far away, can they?
STEVEN: I don't know. It depends on how long ago it was.
DODO: What?
STEVEN: Look, there's nobody here, is there?
(The DOCTOR catches up.)
DODO: We've only been gone a few seconds. Mellium! Baccu!
(She runs off, but almost instantly calls out in alarm.)
DODO: Doctor, Steven, look!
DOCTOR: What is it, my dear, what have you found, hmm?
(They join DODO who is gazing up at the statue.)
DODO: The statue! They've finished the statue!
(The completed stone structure looms over them. But where the plan showed a human head there is now the head of a MONOID.) | |
doc_315 | CAST
James Van Der Beek: Dawson Leery
Kaite Holmes: Joey Potter
Joshua Jackson: Pacey Witter
Michelle Williams: Jen Lindley
Meredith Monroe: Andie McPhee
Kerr Smith: Jack McPhee
Evelyn "Grams" Ryan: Mary Beth Peil
Gareth Williams: Mike Potter
Gail Leery: Mary-Margaret Humes
Mitch Leery: John Wesely Shipp
Abby Morgan: Monica Keena
Written by Mike White Directed by David Semel
(Outside Dawson's house -- Joey and Dawson are walking back from the wedding.)
Joey: (laughing) Dawson...
(He laughs and they kiss, heading towards the ladder.)
Joey: 'K, are you sure this is a good idea?
Dawson: Jo, don't analyze this, okay?
(They kiss again.)
Joey: Right, don't analyze.
Dawson: We don't need to discuss this.
(They kiss again at the foot of the ladder, this time longer and more passionately.)
Dawson: K? Let's go upstairs.
Joey: (smiles) Okay.
(She starts climbing the ladder and Dawson stares up after her smiling. Cut to Joey climbing through his window and Dawson following, kissing and giggling the whole way, oblivious to Jen sitting on the bed. Dawson starts kissing Joey's neck and she notices her.)
Dawson: Jen?
Joey: What's wrong?
Jen: (mumbling..almost deliriously) Abby...and I were on the dock and ....and we were up there ...and we...we were drinking ...and she ...fell back and hit her head ...and she ...she drowned. (pauses) Abby's dead.
(Joey is shocked, as well as Dawson, and she goes and sits next to Jen on the bed and puts her arm around her as Jen starts crying.)
(OPENING CREDITS)
(Cut to Joey looking through an old photo album of pictures of her with her mother. She has a tear rolling down her face. Her dad walks out.)
Mr.Potter: (looking at the pictures) Seems like a lifetime ago. Your mother loved that dress. I told her to take it back, too expensive. She went out and bought two of em just like it just despite me.
(Joey cracks a small smile.)
Mr.Potter: That was your mother. Why are you looking at this?
Joey: This girl at my school died on Saturday night. She drowned.
Mr.Potter: Joey, that's terrible. Were you two close?
Joey: No, not particularly. She was sort of a nightmare. But it's, uh, sort of got me thinking...remembering.
Mr.Potter: Joey, we, uh, never really talked about your mother or her death...
Joey: (obviously avoiding) Well, uh, it's getting late and I have to be getting to school so...
(She gets up and takes her cup back into the kitchen and grabs her bag. Cut to Capeside High. Jen's walking through the hallway to her locker and everybody's staring at her. Cut to a group of kids sitting in a circle around a counselor. Pacey, Andie, Jack, and Jen are included.)
Counselor: Hi, my name is Elizabeth, and I'm a grief counselor. I'm here to facilitate a discussion about Abby. I know you've all be dealt a heavy blow, but by sharing your feelings with each other, it could aid in the long, and difficult, process we call grieving.
(Pacey's biting his nails, obviously unconcerned about the whole thing as Andie stares around the room and Jack just looks bored.)
Girl: I'd like to make an announcement. The Girls' Service League is distributing yellow arm bands that we're wearing in Abby's memory. If anyone would like an arm band, please meet me in the cafeteria at lunchtime.
(Jen just laughs unbelievably at the concern. Jack scratches his nose.)
Counselor: Jennifer. I was told that you were a close friend of Abigail's. Would you like to talk about some of the feelings your experiencing?
Jen: No.
Counselor: That's perfectly okay. I understand. Andie? Did you know Abigail?
Andie: Yeah, I did.
Counselor: Can you talk about your feelings?
Andie: Well, um...I guess I'm feeling shocked. I mean she was so incredibly alive and she had such a great spirit. It's-it's really a tragedy.
(Jen is disgusted by these fake feelings of concern so she grabs her things and storms out.)
Counselor: Jennifer?
(Cut to the cafeteria. Dawson is watching the girl hand out the yellow arm bands.)
Girl: Thank you so much for honoring Abby's memory.
(Joey comes over.)
Joey: Hey.
Dawson: (smiles) Hey.
Joey: Listen, I know we have a lot to talk about concerning the other night but..
Dawson: Listen, Joey, could we just not ...go there...right now? Because I mean there's ...a lot going on and we can analyze this to death later just...
Joey: Right. (Joey kind of looks around and scoots in closer.) Dawson, the truth is, I never really liked Abby.
Dawson: Ditto.
Joey: I actually despised her.
Dawson: It's weird. I mean, Abby was weird, that she died was weird, the way she died was weird. I can't even imagine what the funeral's going to be like.
Joey: I'm not going.
Dawson: You're not?
Joey: The last funeral I went to was my mom's. I mean, I haven't even gone to her gravesite. I think going to Abby's funeral would just open this Pandora's Box of emotions that, frankly, I'd rather keep sealed tight.
Dawson: (tentatively) Joey...your mother died three years ago. If you have these feelings you haven't dealt with, how long were you planning on waiting?
Joey: I don't know. I guess I'm just...there's a part of me that's still holding on. That little girl inside is just waiting for her return. You know, that her death was just some cosmic error and eventually, God will realize he made a terrible mistake and he'll send her back to me like he did my dad. And ...(smiles) I'll have my mom again. (looks at Dawson) I know it sounds ridiculous.
Dawson: No, no, it's-no. But, I mean, that's a child's false hope. Eventually, you're going to have to let it go.
Joey: Yeah, but I don't want to let it go. (pauses) You don't know what it's like, Dawson.
(Cut to Jen, in the bathroom, splashing water on her makeup-stained face. Andie enters.)
Andie: Um, Jen? I've been looking all over for you. You just stormed out of class. Are you okay?
Jen: If dealing with Abby's death isn't hard enough, but to watch everybody parade around like Abby was their best friend, it's sickening. Aside from me, Abby didn't have a single friend in Capeside.
Andie: That's because she was a--(stops herself)
Jen: A bitch! Come on, Andie, say it! Abby was a bitch.
Andie: Well, I wouldn't go that far...
Jen: Yeah, well, you would've three days ago, but now that she's dead you wax poetic about her great spirit. It's so insincere!
Andie: Well, I don't think it's appropriate to maline her character after she's gone!
Jen: It isn't malining if it's true! Believe me, it would have been easier for everybody if Abby had just been this wonderful person with this virtuous qualities but she wasn't! She was mean! And the least we can do is acknowledge who she really was.
(Jen exits out the bathroom, Andie follows.)
Andie: Jen, listen, I know this must be hard for you.
Jen: And I am so sick and tired of people treating me like I'm some kind of celebrity just because I happened to be at the scene of the crime. It's funny. Abby spent her entire life shattering our fragile egos and that's why people disliked her so intensely. Leave it to Abby. Even in her death she's still exposing hypocrisy.
Andie: Well, I feel bad but I always tried to reach out to her and everytime she rejected me.
Jen: She rejected you?! If you hadn't rejected her at the wedding, none of this ever would have happened!
Andie: What?
Jen: You kicked us out of the wedding, Andie. That's why we were at the docks in the first place.
Andie: (slowly) Don't say that.
Jen: I'm sorry, okay? I can't--I've got to go home.
(She leaves down the hall. Cut to Dawson coming in his front door, he spots his mom coming down the stairs.)
Dawson: Hey!
Gail: Hi honey! So...how was school?
Dawson: Weird. Everybody's playing the beautiful mourners but underneath there's this weird sense they're all munchkins finally freed from the spell of the wicked witch of the east. (Kristin's note: Wasn't it the wicked witch of the west?)
Gail: Well, honey, I know you're dealing with a lot right now, but I have some news I need to share with you.
Dawson: You sound serious.
Gail: No, no, no, it's not bad news. It's good news. Remember the piece I did on the teenage girls?
Dawson: Yeah.
Gail: Well, I won the Peil Vision Award for Excellence for News Broadcasting.
(Dawson hugs her.)
Dawson: That's incredible, Mom! Congratulations!
Gail: Oh, but that's not the news. The news is that because of the award, I've been offered a job as network correspondent. It's a lot of money, it's high profile, it's...in Philadelphia.
(Dawson's face drops.)
Dawson: Oh. Are you going to take it?
Gail: Well, professionally, it's a huge leap for me. It's what I've always worked for.
Dawson: But I don't want to move to Philadelphia...
Gail: Oh, I completely understand that. You're halfway through high school. No, I do not want to uproot you. If I took the job, I assume your father would move back in and I would come home as often as I could...
Dawson: S-So what about you and Dad? Are you guys just throwing in the towel?
Gail: Well, that's the last thing I want, but I'm hitting my head up against the wall here, honey. Your father doesn't seem to have any interest in making things work. So if I walk away from this career opportunity, and I lose this marriage, what do I have?
Dawson: You still have me.
(She smiles. Cut to Grams walking in to Jen's room where Jen's lying on her bed wrapped in a blanket.)
Grams: Jennifer, I'm worried about you.
Jen: Don't be. I'm just tired.
Grams: You know, I can't say I was particularly fond of your friend, Abby. I always had the distinct impression that she was mocking me.
(Jen smiles.)
Grams: She was, wasn't she?
Jen: Don't take it personally, Grams. Abby was mocking everyone.
Grams: But she was your friend. It's so hard to understand why God would take someone so young...with so much left to learn, so much left to live. It really tests one's faith.
Jen: Yeah, well, maybe I didn't have any faith to begin with.
Grams: Well, rest assured, God may work in mysterious ways but He has a plan.
Jen: Well, if God had a plan for Abby, she certainly wasn't following it.
Grams: God has a plan for everybody, including Abby. Including you.
Jen: Grams, I really don't want to have a religious discussion right now.
Grams: It's times like this that--
Jen: Grams, please! Okay?
Grams: Alright, but...I'm here for you. Whenever you need me.
(Cut to Pacey and Andie in a deli-like restaurant.)
Pacey: I can't believe Jen would accuse you of being responsible. She was drunk, she fell, she drowned. End of story. It was nobody's fault, least of all, yours.
Andie: Yeah, but ...I was so mean to her.
Pacey: Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me! (to cashier) Thanks! (to Andie) Abby Morgan was one of the most hideous creatures to ever haunt the streets of Capeside and you bent over backwards to befriend her. You really shouldn't be taking this that hard, Andie.
Andie: Don't tell me how I should be feeling. If I'm upset, then I'm upset. If I feel guilty, then I feel guilty. I think those are perfectly valid feelings.
Pacey: You're right, I'm sorry. I just don't like seeing you like this, okay?
(Two women walk by their table. Once they're out of earshot...)
Andie: Oh, God, Pacey. Don't look now, but Abby's mother just walked in.
(Abby's mother turns and spots Andie and walks towards her.)
Abby's mother: Don't I know you?
Andie: Yes, Mrs. Morgan, I'm Andie McPhee. You drove me home once.
Abby's mother: Oh, that's right. You're a friend of Abby's. She talked a lot about you.
(Andie looks at Pacey, confused.)
Andie: She did? Oh, Mrs. Morgan, I am so sorry about what happened.
Abby's mother: Will you be coming to the funeral?
Andie: Oh, of course...of course I will.
Abby's mother: You know, no one's offered to give a eulogy...and I'm not really familiar with any of her other school friends, you will be saying a few words about her, won't you?
Andie: What?
Abby's mother: Since she was so fond of you.
Andie: Sure...sure...
Abby's mother: Thank you.
(She walks away. Andie looks at Pacey, worried.)
Andie: A eulogy?
(She stressfully rests her head on her hand on the table. Cut to Pacey and Andie walking in the rain to Abby's house.)
Pacey: You don't have to deliver this eulogy. Just lay low. Pretend Abby's mother you're too upset.
Andie: No. I have to find a way to honor Abby's memory both truthfully and respectively. Her family deserves that much. I'll always remember the nice things people said at my brother's funeral.
(They reach the house, it's nice.)
Pacey: You okay?
Andie: It just occured to me that I've never even seen her house. It's so pretty.
Pacey: Yeah, I know. I was halfway expecting this gothic castle, you know? The gargoyles leering down on you from the spires...
(They enter the house. It's nice, lots of flowers.)
Pacey: Okay, this is morbid. Explain to me again what this is going to accomplish besides making you even more freaked out?
Andie: I just want to see her room...you know? Where she brushed her hair, (pauses) and planned her future.
Pacey: Why?
Andie: Look, we'll just say our condulgences and slip into her room.
(Cut to Jen drinking liquor on the docks where there's a bunch of flowers and a cross. She takes a bouquet and throws it over the side of the docks. Cut to Andie and Pacey entering Abby's room.)
Pacey: Hey, what if Abby's mother saw us come in here together? She probably thinks I'm trying to get lucky in the middle of her daughter's memorial.
Andie: Oh, this is really strange. It's almost like the room is waiting for her to come back...
Pacey: This is really creepy, Andie. Can we go now, please?
Andie: (grabs a book) Wait a minute...this is her diary. The real thoughts of any girl is all in the confines of her personal diary.
Pacey: (takes it) You know what? People's privacy deserves to be respected, even in death.
Andie: (takes it back) This isn't for my curiosity, Pacey. This is for Abby. I want to be able to give her a eulogy that does justice to her character.
(Andie's sitting on the bed. Pacey comes and sits next to her.)
Andie: (flipping through the book) Hmmm. (picks one) "Dear Diary, Another unbelievably annoying day here on Walton's Mountain. That slut Jen Lindley literally stole my new boyfriend and right out from under my nose. (looks at Pacey) She's a bleach-blonde hoes-bag." She was probably just having a bad day.
Pacey: Sure...
Andie: (flips and finds another one) Okay.."Dear Diary, My mother is driving me insane. I hate her so much I must be adopted. There's no way I could share the same genes with that dried-up old wench."
Pacey: I'm sure it's just another bad day, right?
Andie: (nods) Yeah. (finds another) Okay. "Dear Diary, That new girl Andie is such a (mad) psycho! How many ways can you tell a person you don't like them..." What?! "She just won't take a hint! God! And that boyfriend of hers is a--"
(Pacey grabs it away.)
Pacey: You know what? I don't want to know. I don't want to hear it. Out the door now. Please.
(Cut to Mitch in a classroom. Dawson walks in.)
Mitch: Dawson, hey!
Dawson: Hey.
Mitch: I was just thinking about you...
(Dawson sits down depressingly on the desk.)
Mitch: You know, when I was young my first few experiences with death were...shocking. And as I get older, it doesn't get any easier but...it does kind of make you put your life into perspective. Makes you want to grab on to the people you love and never let go.
Dawson: And on that note...um, Mom was offered a job as a network correspondent in Philadelphia.
(Mitch gets up and walks around the desk.)
Dawson: Don't you have anything to say?
Mitch: Um, I'll call her and congratulate her.
Dawson: That's it? You're going to call up, say congratulations, and just let her walk out of your life. (Dawson gets up angrily) Grab on to those you love, huh?
(He leaves the room. Cut to Jack and Joey at an empty Icehouse.)
Jack: So, uh, Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Jack: I've tried biting my tongue, but, uh, the $64,000 question has to be asked...(speaking into the mop handle) What's up with you and Dawson?
Joey: (smiles) Nothing.
Jack: Oh, yeah, "nothing". You two shared a pretty conspicuous not-a-nothing kiss the other night. Come on...
Joey: Yeah, well, we're putting it on hold. We have enough to deal with without adding our complicated relationship to the mix so...
Jack: Alright, alright. I'll buy that...I'll buy that. So...how are you feeling otherwise?
Joey: Um...okay. I've obviously had a lot on my mind lately but...how are you feeling about this whole thing?
Jack: Alright, I know this sounds a little morbid but...I keep thinking about how Abby and I kissed at Dawson's birthday party which means I'm probably the last person she ever kissed.
Joey: At least she went out with a bang!
(Jack laughs. Joey laughs and covers her face with her hands.)
Joey: I can't believe I just said that.
Jack: I can't either.
(They're cracking up. Cut to Dawson editing his movie.)
(Onscreen)
Kim (Abby): Look, I am sorry if I threatened you and your safety net. And contrary to popular belief, I am not trying to ruin your life and I am trying so hard not to--
(There's a knock at the door, offscreen. It's Pacey.)
Dawson: Hey.
Pacey: Hey, man. Working late, huh?
Dawson: Yeah.
Pacey: Your mom told me I could find you here.
Dawson: So what's up?
Pacey: I don't know, really. Mrs. Morgan asked Andie to give a eulogy indulging Abby's virtues.
Dawson: How do you speak glowingly about a girl who rode to school on a broomstick.
Pacey: It's just so frustrating, Dawson. I've been trying so hard to set everything straight for Andie, but I've got no control over these things.
Dawson: I know what you mean. That's why I'm here.
Pacey: It must be a sort of surreal experience editing a movie in which one of your leading ladies is no longer.
(Dawson presses play.)
(onscreen)
Kim (Abby): Look, contrary to popular belief, I did not come here to ruin your life and I am trying so hard not to do that...
(Abby starts smiling, then laughing.)
Abby: I'm sorry but she has food in her teeth.
(offscreen. Pacey and Dawson laugh. Cut to Jen walking into the kitchen at her house and Grams is cooking.)
Grams: Perfect timing. Dinner's almost ready.
(Jen walks over and leans over the pan. Grams gets a whif.)
Grams: Jennifer, have you been drinking again?
Jen: Not only have I been drinking, but I am drunk out of my mind.
Grams: Jennifer, don't do this to yourself! Don't mask your grief with alcohol! I try to feel your pain, this drinking will only make things worse.
Jen: (smiling) Worse? Come on. Worse than what?
Grams: Think of the good times you shared with Abby, she'd want you to remember her that way.
Jen: Well then you obviously didn't know Abby too well! She's probably down there with (missed name), doing tequila shooters and laughing at all of us!
Grams: You have to believe that Abby is in God's hands. He has a special place in his kingdom for the children.
Jen: Yeah? God's got a five-bedroom beach condo in Maui for dead kids?
Grams: Jennifer!
Jen: Okay, Grams, for the last time, there is no God and there is no heaven and there is no peace and there is no hope. The only truth that I know is pain. So you can just keep your Sunday School fables to yourself because they make me puke!
Grams: Does it give you so much pleasure to shock and offend me?! I am trying to be understanding but you insist on disobeying my rules and polluting my house with your disrespectful blastering.
Jen: I guess you're finally sick of me, huh? I guess your infinite patience and compassion aren't as infinte as we thought. You know, if I can't just be myself and speak my mind...maybe I should just move out!
Grams: Jennifer!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to Joey and her dad eating breakfast.)
Mr.Potter: What are you thinking about?
Joey: I've been trying to remember Mom and... I can't get a clear picture of her in my head. It was the scariest thing... I mean, it's like she's slowly fading away and ...do you know what I mean?
Mr.Potter: (nods) Joey, when I was in prison, I missed your mother. The loss combined with the guilt was almost too much for me. But...I look at you, and I know she's still here.
(Joey looks at him, questionably.)
Mr.Potter: You are so like your mother, Joey. She was tough ...and independent ...and funny. (laughs) In the same way you're funny. She was stubborn. Oh, she was stubborn. If you would tell her the skies blue, she would say it was green.
(Joey smiles.)
Mr.Potter: She's not gone. She lives on in you. And that comforts me to know end.
(Cut to Pacey and Andie walking down the beach.)
Andie: Uh, it's only a few hours til the funeral and I have no idea what I'm going to say.
Pacey: Make something up. Tell them that Abby was a wonderful person and she'll be deeply missed, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Andie: You want me to lie?
Pacey: Well, you could tell the truth. That she was a hideous abdomination and the world will be much better without her.
Andie: Right and watch her mother have a heart attack and collapse into the aisle. God, Pacey, what am I going to do?
Pacey: I'll give the speech.
Andie: You'd do that for me?
Pacey: I'd do anything to keep you from having a nervous breakdown.
Andie: I'm not about to have a nervous breakdown.
Pacey: Well, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown living vicariously through you, so...
Andie: Really? Listen, Pacey, I know what it's like to love someone who has the propensity to become mentally-unhinged and I don't want to be that person to you.
Pacey: Andie, what am I supposed to do? Sit back and watch you agonize. If you're in distress, how can I help but come to your rescue?
Andie: Well, if I'm drowning in the ocean, yes, throw me a lifeline but...don't let our roles become etched in stone. I mean, me the helpless lunatic and you, the hero on horseback. I need to take care of myself. I'm going to deliver this speech, I'll think of somethin'.
Pacey: Okay...
(He kisses her on the top of her head. Cut to Abby's funeral. Pacey and Andie are sitting in a pew.)
Pacey: Look, it's not too late to duck out of here.
Andie: No, Pacey, I'm going to do this, even if it kills me.
Pacey: Okay, well, maybe we'll just slip you in the coffin with Abby.
(Andie looks at him.)
Pacey: It was a joke! I'm kidding...
(Joey walks in and takes off her black cardigan over a black dress. She walks to the pew Dawson's sitting in.)
Dawson: Hey!
(She sits down.)
Dawson: You made it.
(She just smiles)
Joey: Just hold my hand.
(Dawson smiles. Grams walks in and takes a seat next to Jen.)
Jen: It's the (missed word) of Capeside.
Grams: Jennifer, listen, I-I lost a lot of sleep last night and I do hope that we can avoid ugly scenes like last night in the future. I wanted to let you know that I forgive you.
Jen: I'm not looking for your forgiveness, Grams. I'm looking for your understanding. And that's something that you've never been able to provide.
(The funeral begins.)
Preacher: We are here today, to remember the life of Abigail Morgan. But before we begin, I'd like to invite those of you, who'd like to share your memories with Abby, to come forward at this time.
(Dawson looks around, no one's getting up. Finally, Jen gets up. She walks up to the stand.)
Jen: My name is Jen Lindley. And I was friends with Abby, as much as anyone could be because Abby had a toxic personality, in fact it was almost bordering on radioactive. Abby could be cruel and Abby could be spiteful, and Abby could certainly be petty. She spent her days mischieviously stirring up trouble, and creating calamity, and generally, taking pleasure in other people's pain. You know, in Sunday School, they teach us that God made Man in his image. Well, if God made Abby in his own image then what does that say about God? God has always been such a mystery to me. I mean, what kind of diety creates a world that is so full of suffering and so full of pain? I tell you what, Abby taught me a lot. She taught me how to do a tequilla shooter with one hand tied behind my back, and she taught me to live life by my own set of values, and not follow the crowd, in hopes of winning some phantom popularity contest. But most of all, what's most important, is Abby taught me the sadistic nature of our God and as much as that knowledge is disturbing, it's true. And it's real. And for a world that is so saturated with phoniness and lies, for that small amount, for that little bit of honesty, I will always be grateful to her.
(Jen walks down from the pulpit and heads back to her pew, where her Grams stands up, gives Jen a incredibly angry look and walks out of the church. Abby's mother looks back at Andie while the congregation stirs from Jen's comments. Andie stands up and walks to the pulpit.)
Andie: Um, there are people who give me comfort in my life...who when the going gets rough, which it unbearably does, I can count on them for a shoulder to cry on. And they will pick me up when I fall, and hold me in their arms while I cry and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I am so thankful for these people, they are priceless. But there's another group of people, just as important and just as priceless...they're the people who challenge me, who push me to my breaking points, and who force me to muster courage that I never thought I had. Abby Morgan was one of those people. In her own truth-telling way, she gave me strength. I'm a much stronger woman because of her. A woman who I never thought that I could be. She gave me that gift. She was one of a kind. There's no one like her and she will always hold a special place in my heart.
(Cut to everybody outside around her coffin. Cut to Andie and Pacey putting a single yellow flower on her coffin. Cut to the priest reading from the Bible. Cut to Abby's mother crying. Cut to Jen placing a yellow flower on her coffin. Cut to everybody walking away from it. Cut to Dawson and Joey walking alone through the trees at the graveyard.)
Dawson: I was editing my movie yesterday. And I just kept watching Abby's footage over and over and over and then it hit me just how fleeting life is. You know? And I don't want to die with unlived life on my face. And I don't want to go to my grave regretting what my life could have been if I'd only taken action and maybe this is the wrong time to say this to you but Joey ...I am so happy about what happened between us the other night.
(She just keeps on walking, showing no emotion.)
Dawson: Okay, I could just keep on talking until you say something but usually the more I talk the more chances I have at screwing up so--
(She turns and kisses him. She smiles.)
Joey: Of course, I'm happy. (Her expression gets somewhat sadder) Right now, I have to go someplace.
Dawson: Okay.
Joey: Do you think you could walk me there?
Dawson: (smiles) Absolutely.
Joey: Thanks...
(Cut to Andie and Pacey.)
Pacey: You know, I have to admit. You have had me worried these last few days, McPhee. But, as usual, you managed to pull it off with flying colors.
Andie: I think I needed this whole experience, Pacey. It just, it brought me closer to Tim.
(Andie sees Jen sitting alone over by the coffin.)
Andie: Uh, I'm going to go talk to her.
(Cut to Jen and Andie walks up.)
Jen: Andie, I can not apoligize enough. Abby's death wasn't your fault. It was mine.
Andie: What?
Jen: I invited her out. I got her drunk. I could have saved her.
Andie: No, Jen, you did everything you could. The water was rough, the current was too strong.
Jen: I saw her in the water and...she was so scared...
Andie: Jen...don't think about that, okay?
Jen: Because I'm weak, and I couldn't accept the blame, I had to deflect it onto everybody else. Onto Capeside. Onto you. Onto my Grams. And that speech! That f-(almost says it but doesn't and pauses) speech. What was I thinking, huh?
Andie: Well, I'm a people pleaser. And sometimes in order to succeed in that, you have to be phony. Abby was the exact opposite. She put her truth above everything. And that's what you did. It was a memorial for Abby and you were just being truthful to her spirit.
Jen: Sometimes I don't think it's appropriate to speak your truth, it's better just to shut up.
Andie: Oh, God, Jen. Abby kept a diary. It was pretty nasty. And if her mom finds it, she's going to be devastated.
(Cut to Dawson and Joey walking past some more trees. Dawson hangs back and Joey slowly approaches a spot. Joey starts crying. It's her mother's grave ["Lillian Josephine Potter"]. Joey sets the flowers down and runs her finger along the etching of the gravestone. Dawson walks up slowly to her.)
Joey: I just, um, hope wherever she is, she's happy.
Dawson: She's happy. She's looking down on you, and she's very happy.
(Joey lays her head on Dawson's shoulder. Cut to Jen walking up the stairs to her porch where there's a bunch of suitcases, packed, and her Grams is putting more things in them.)
Jen: Grams?
Grams: How could you, Jennifer!
Jen: You packed--up all my stuff.
Grams: I went to that funeral today to try and give you some support, to rectify some of the damage in our fragile relationship. Only to find you heartlessly thumbing your nose at me, in a house of God no less.
Jen: Grams, that speech wasn't for you, it was for Abby. And I regret it, I do. And I know that it was wrong and I know that I offended your beliefs--
Grams: This is not about my beliefs! Or free speech or any other philosophical nonsense, this is about the truth. And the truth is you deliberately tried to wound me in that chapel and take out all your pain and rage at the world on me.
Jen: Grams, Grams, wait!
Grams: You want understanding? How about a little understanding in return? How about a little compassion for me? Not just about my beliefs, but for me? Your grandmother, who loves you, who would do anything for you, who would die for you!
Jen: Wait, Grams! Grandma! Wait a minute!
Grams: You should be living with someone else. Someone who you respect, and clearly, I am not that person. All that time you spend rebelling against me is getting you nowhere. So even though it pains me more than you will ever know, Jennifer. I want you to move out. Find somewhere else to live!
(Grams shuts the door on Jen and leans against it, crying. Cut to Jen outside crying. Cut to Andie opening the door to the Morgan's)
Andie: Mrs. Morgan? Hello? Hello?
(She goes up the stairs. Cut to Andie going into Abby's room. She opens a dresser drawer and pulls out the notebook and when Andie looks in the mirror. She sees Abby standing behind her in the closet wearing a white outfit. Andie spins around revealing nothing there. Andie closes her eyes, breathing heavy and opens them again. Cut to ending credits.) | |
doc_316 | [Elena's car.]
STEFAN (PHONE): Elena. It's Stefan. I know that picture must have confused you. But I can explain. I need to explain. Please, when you get this, call me.
Elena has an accident. She collided a man. Her car is back to front but Elena has nothing. She sees the man getting up.
ELENA: Aah! Aah! Aah! The man disappears.
DAMON: How ya doing in there?
ELENA: Damon?
DAMON: You look stuck.
ELENA: My seat lt.
DAMON: Let me get you out of there. I want you to put your hands on the roof. Just like that. You ready? ...2, 3. I got you. Are you ok? Can you stand? Anything broken?
ELENA: Uh-uh.
DAMON: Whoa, you're fading fast, Elena. Elena, look at me. Focus. Look at me. Ok.
ELENA: I look like her.
DAMON: What? Upsy-daisy. Damon leaves with Elena in his arms.
[Alaric's House.]
ALARIC: I found one. After years of reseah and study, there it was right in front of me. I was terrified. As I stared it in the eyes, I drove a stake through its heart. I was right about Mystic Falls. There is evil here. I can sense it. Feel it. It's everywhere.
He is watching a photography of a youg woman, probably his girlfirend.
[Flashback.]
ALARIC'S GIRLFRIEND: Mmm. It's not even 7:00 yet.
ALARIC: Which means you shouldn't be awake for at least 6 hours.
ALARIC'S GIRLFRIEND: I hate morning people.
ALARIC: I'm going to be home te tonight.
ALARIC'S GIRLFRIEND: Mm love you.
ALARIC: And I love you too.
[Damon's car. Elena wakes up]
DAMON: Morning.
ELENA: Where are we?
DAMON: Georgia.
ELENA: Georgia? No, no. No, we're not. Seriously, Damon. Where are we?
DAMON: Seriously, we're-- we're in Georgia. How ya feeling?
ELENA: I--I--
DAMON: There's broken bones. I checked.
ELENA: But my car. There was a man. I hit a man. But then he got up and--who was that?
DAMON: That's what I would like to know.
ELENA: Where is my phone? Ok. We really need to go back. Nobody knows where I am. Pull over. I mean it, damon. Pull over! Stop the car!
DAMON: Oh you were so much more fun when you were asleep.
He stops the car.
DAMON: Hey.
ELENA: I'm fine. We have to go back.
DAMON: Oh come on. Look. We've already come this far.
ELENA: Why are you doing this? I can't be in Georgia. I wrecked my car. I have to go home. This is kidnapping.
DAMON: That's a little melodramatic, don'you think?
ELENA: You're not funny. You can't do this. I'm not going to Georgia.
DAMON: You're in georgia. Without your magical necklace I might add. I can very easily make you...Agreeable.
ELENA: What are you trying to prove?
[Elena's cell phone rings.]
ELENA: That's my phone.
DAMON: Mmm. It's your boyfriend. I'll take it. Elena's phone.
STEFAN: Where is she? Why do you have her phone? Is she ok?
DAMON: Elena? She's right here. And, yes, she's fine.
STEFAN: Where are you? Let me speak to her.
DAMON: He wants to talk to you.
ELENA: Uh-uh.
DAMON: Yeah. I don't-- I don't think she wants to talk to you right now.
STEFAN: Damon, I swear to god, if you touch her--
DAMON: You have a good day. Mm-hmm. Bye-now.
STEFAN: Argh!
ELENA: Look. No one knows where I am. Can we please just go back?
DAMON: We're almost there.
ELENA: Where is there?!
DAMON: A little place right outside of Atlanta. Oh, come on, Elena. You don't wanna go back right now. Do you? What's the rush? Time-out. Trust me. Your problems are still going to be there when you get home. Look. Step away from your life for 5 minutes.
ELENA: 5 minutes. Am I going to be safe with you?
DAMON: Yes.
ELENA: Will you promise not to do that mind control thing with me?
DAMON: Yes.
ELENA: Can I trust you?
DAMON: Get in the car. Come on.
[Jeremy and Alaric.]
JEREMY: Hey, Mr. Saltzman.
ALARIC: Hey, Jeremy. I, uh--can't find my ring. I took it off for the gym and thought I put it-- there it is.
JEREMY: Losing family heirlooms-- bad.
ALARIC: How's your extra credit coming? You pick a topic yet?
JEREMY: Mystic Falls, the cil war era.
ALARIC: What's the angle?
JEREMY: My family-- I found a journal of an anstor who lived in the 1800s. And the Gilberts were one of the original founding families of Mystic Falls. So...
ALARIC: That sounds good.
[Stefan and Bonnie.]
STEFAN: Bonnie.
BONNIE: Stefan
STEFAN: Hey.
BONNIE: Hi.
STEFAN: I haven't seen you lately. How are you doing with everything?
BONNIE: I'm fine. It's all fine.
STEFAN: Good. Yeah
BONNIE: Are you back in school?
STEFAN: No. Actually I came here to find you. I s hoping you could help me with something. A spell.
BONNIE: Stefan, look, I know Elena's ok with all of this, and I appreciate what you did to help me. But I'm not really ready to dive into it with you just yet.
STEFAN: I understand. But I need your help. It's Elena. She's with Damon. I have Elena's necklace. I was just hoping you could use this to make some sort of a connection. I just need to know that she's ok.
BONNIE: How do you know I can do this?
STEFAN: Because I've known a few witches over the years. I've seen what they can do.
BONNIE: I'm still new at it.
STEFAN: It's ok. Give it a shot.
BONNIE: Ok. All right.
She tries to feel something with the necklace.
BONNIE: There's nothing. Nothing's happening. Usually there's an image or... Tell me if anyone's looking.
STEFAN: Ok.
BONNIE: All right. She takes a leaf and tries to fly it.
STEFAN: What is it?
BONNIE: Something's wrong.
STEFAN: With Elena?
BONNIE: With me. There's something wrong with me. I have to go. I'm sorry, Stefan. I can't help you.
[Damon's car.]
ELENA: So, where's my car?
DAMON: I pulled it off on the side of the road. I don't think anyone will bother it.
ELENA: At about that man in the road? Was he a...?
DAMON: From what I could tell. Yeah.
ELENA: You don't know him?
DAMON: If I've never met him, I wouldn't know him. I mean, it's not like we all hang out together at the vamp bar and grill.
He stops the car in front of a bar.
ELENA: You brought me to a bar? Damon, I'm not old enough. They're not going to let me in.
DAMON: Sure they will.
WOMAN: No. No, it can't be. Damon. My honey pie. She kisses Damon.
WOMAN: Listen up everybody! Here's to the man that broke my heart, crushed my soul, destroyed my life, and ruined any and all chances of happiness! Drink up! Ahh. Whoo!
WOMAN: So, how'd he rope you in?
ELENA: I'm not roped in. Actually, I'm dating his--
WOMAN: Honey, if you're not roped, you're whipped. Either way, just enjoy the ride.
ELENA: Ok. So, how did you two meet?
WOMAN: College.
ELENA: You went to college?
DAMON: I've been on a college campus, yes.
WOMAN: About 20 years ago, when I was just a sweet, young freshman I met this butiful man, and fell in love. And then he told me about his littleecret, made me love him more. Because, you see, I had a little secret of my own that I was dying to share with somebody.
DAMON: She's a witch.
WOMAN: Changed my world.
DAMON: I rocked your world.
WOMAN: He is good in the sack, isn't he? But mostly he's just a walkawayoe. So, what is it that you want?
[Jeremy in a library.]
He looks at books when some books fall him above. A girl arrives.
GIRL: Oh my god. I am so sorry. There was this one book wedged between the other. And I pulled and then kaplunk, kaboom. Are you ok?
JEREMY: Yeah, I'm fine.
GIRL: Ohh! I'm Anna.
JEREMY: I'm Jeremy.
[Grams' house.]
BONNIE: Thank god you're back.
GRAMS: And hello to you, too. What's the matter?
BONNIE: Powers are gone, Grams. I can't do anything, even when I concentrate. And there's nothing in in any of these books that can tell me how to get them back.
GRAMS: Hang on, now. Just calm down. Tell me what happened.
BONNIE: I can't.
GRAMS: We keeping secrets now?
BONNIE: I have to. I'm sorry. I promised. Please help me.
GRAMS: Well, first of all, there's nothing in any of these that's gonna help you. If you're blocked, it's in here. You gotta clear it out, then you're back in business.
BONNIE: Clear what out?
GRAMS: Whatever's got you so scared.
[Elena phones.]
ELENA: Hi, Jenna. I'm so sorry.
JENNA: Where are you? Why didn't you call?
ELENA: I was so tired last night. I fell asleep at Bonnie's. And then this morning, I just wanted to get to school.
JENNA: Are you ok?
ELENA: You know, Stefan and stuff.
DAMON: Come on, there's gotta be another way.
WOMAN: After all these years, it's still only Katherine. How do you even know she's still alive?
DAMON: Well, you help me get into that tomb and we'll find out.
WOMAN: I already did. 20 years ago. Remember? 3 easy steps-- Comet. Crystal. Spell.
DAMON: There's a little problem with number 2. I don't have the crystal.
WOMAN: That's it, damon. There is no other way. It's Emily's spell.
DAMON: What about a new spell with a new crystal that overrides Emily's spell?
WOMAN: It doesn't work that way, baby. Emily's spell is absolute. You can't get into that tomb.
[Bonnie in the wood.]
BONNIE: Hello? Anybody here?! Aah!
Bonnie falls.
[Front of the bar. Elena's cellphone ringing.]
STEFAN: Elena, is th you?
ELENA: I'm here.
STEFAN: Where are you?
ELENA: You lied.
STEFAN: Not until I explain, please.
ELENA: So, you didn't lie?
STEFAN: Just tell me where you are. So that I can comeet you.
ELENA: How am I connected to Katherine, stefan?
STEFAN: I honestly don't know.
ELENA: And I'm supposed to believe that?
STEFAN: It's the truth. I-- Listen--
She hangs up. Damon is behind her.
DAMON: You ok?
ELENA: Don't pretend to care. I know you're gloating inside. Damon's friend phones.
WOMAN: Hey, it's Bree. You'll never gonna guess who walked into my bar.
[Bonnie, in the tomb.]
BONNIE: Oww. Hello?! Anybody?! Ahh!
[Grams' house. Stefan is knocking.]
STEFAN: Hi.
GRAMS: Can I help you?
STEFAN: I'm Stefan. I'm a friend of Bonnie's. Her dad told me that she might be here.
GRAMS: She was. Not anymore.
STEFAN: Do you know where she went?
GRAMS: No. But you do.
STEFAN: I'm sorry?
GRAMS: I told her to face down her fear. And I'm sensing now that you know exactly why she was scared. You know what I am. And yet you offered me your hand, which means you wanted me to see that I can trust you.
STEFAN: Can you?
GRAMS: I just you'll keep her safe. You'd better be on your way, then. I'm not going to invite you in. I'm sure you understand why.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[At the library.]
ANNA: This aisle is local and state history. And civil war is one over. What do you need?
JEREMY: Local. 1860s. Do you work here?
ANNA: Nope. You want reference. This way. Uh, home-schooled. I study here for a moc school environment. Ah, here we go. Original settlers, town archives, founders stuff. It's all here. So, what's your topic ?
JEREMY: The town's fear and hysteria surrounding the war and how it influenced certain writers of the time.
ANNA: You might want to focus that.
JEREMY: The origin of local folklore and myths.
ANNA: You mean the vampires?
[At the bar.]
ELENA: Let's just say that I'm descended from Katherine-- Does that make me part vampire?
DAMON: Vampires can't procreate. But we love to try. No. If you are related, it would mean Katherine had a child before she was turned.
ELENA: Did Stefan think that he could use me to replace her?
DAMON: Kinda creepy if you ask me. Come on, what? You don't like pickl? What's wrong with you?
ELENA: How can you even eat? If technically you're supposed to be...
DAMON: Dead. It's not such a bad word. As long as I keep a healthy diet of blood in my system, our body functions pretty normally.
ELENA: This nice act. Is any of it real?
BREE: Here you go, honey.
DAMON: Thank you.
ELENA: I'll have one too.
DAMON: Hmm?
ELENA: Time out, remember? For 5 minutes? Yeah, well that 5 minutes is going to need a beer.
BREE: There you go.
[In the library.]
JEREMY: You're kidding me, right? There's no such thing as vampires.
ANNA: Well, there's not a lot of documentation but the stories have been told since the civil war. My granddad used to tell me all these creepy stories when I was little. And he said that his granddad told them to him.
JEREMY: Yeah. That would be folklore. Vampires are a metaphor for the demons of the day.
ANNA: Which are?
JEREMY: The union soldiers. I've read the stories myself. They talk about the enemy, the demons that attack night.
ANNA: That sounds like vampires to me.
JEREMY: Allegorical vampires. Which is what it is. Creative expression during a very volatile time. I mean, a couny at war doesn't want realism. They want fantasy. Thus, vampire fiction.
ANNA: Man, you're smart. I gotta give it to you. When I first saw you, I missed it.
JEREMY: Yeah. I've had a rough go of it lately. But I'm just now getting back to my old self.
ANNA: Well, good luck on the paper. I gotta get home. You know, my great grandfather actually showed me a journal once of an ancestor and he had written all of this creepy stuff about vampires. It was actually really believable.
JEREMY: Wait. A journal?
ANNA: Yeah? Why?
JEREMY: Are you sure you have to go?
[In the Tomb.]
Bonnie tries to phone.
BONNIE: Come on, phone! Great! Great. Someone arrives behind her.
STEFAN: Bonnie!
BONNIE: Get away from me!
STEFAN: It's me. It's stefan.
BONNIE: Stefan. The ground gave way and I fell.
STEFAN: It's ok. It's ok. Calm down. Come on, let's get you out of here.
BONNIE: How?
STEFAN: Just close your eyes. Trust . He jumps.
STEFAN: You can open your eyes now.
BONNIE: Whoa.
STEFAN: I didn't want to scare you.
BONNIE: How did you know where I was?
STEFAN: Well, your grandmother told me what you were doing. I guessed the where.
BONNIE: I heard them. Down there. Behind the door. Are they in pain?
STEFAN: In the beginning--yes. But not anymore. They've been starved to the point of dessication.
BONNIE: But if they have blood--
STEFAN: That's not going to happen, Bonnie. They can't get out. Emily saw to that when she had you destroy the crystal. You're safe.
[In the bar.]
DAMON: Ready...
BREE: Go!
They drink.
ELENA: That's 3. Do you need a bib?
DAMON: Sorry I can't unhinge my jaw like a snake to consume alcohol.
ELENA: Whatever. All right. Who's next? Another round, Bree.
GIRL: Honey, you should be on the floor.
ELENA: I am not even drunk. My tolerance is, like, way up here.
BREE: All right. Here you go.
[At Mystic Grill.]
JEREMY: So, you have no idea where the journal is?
ANNA: Nope. Gramps died. And all the kids split his stuff. I can ask.
JEREMY: I just find it weird that our ancestors kept the same kind of journal. It's crazy.
ANNA: Maybe it's based in some partial reality.
JEREMY: No. It's gotta be a metaphorical. My ancestor wrote short stories.
ANNA: So, that's why you're hung up on the fiction of it all.
JEREMY: No, I'm hung up on fiction of it all because I've seen "the lost boys" and "near dark," like, 50 times.
ANNA: Are those movies? Hey. I've never seen them. Maybe we can have a fright night and rent a whole bunch of vampire movies.
JEREMY: Uh, yeah, sure.
ANNA: Why does that sound like a no way in hell? Sorry, I'm blunt.
JEREMY: No, it's--I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I just recently got out of something. It's a little too soon, you know?
ANNA: Oh please, sure. No worries. I meant as friends. Yeah. Look, I really gotta go. Nice meeting you, Jeremy.
[In the bar.]
[Elena's cell phone ringing]
ELENA: Hello?
JENNA: Elena ?
ELENA: Jenna? Hold on, it's loud in here.
JENNA: Elena, where are you ? Are you ok ?
ELENA: Huh? Yeah. No, I'm good. Eveything's fine. Hold on. I can't hear you.
Elena falls.
ELENA: Hello ? Someone arrives behind her and kidnaps her.
BREE: Hey, where's your girl?
DAMON: Hmm.
BREE: She was right back there. Damon goes out of the bar. He finds Elena's cellphone on the ground. He goes behind sheds.
ELENA: Damon, no. A man attack him.
DAMON: What the hell?!
ELENA: No! He beats Damon.
DAMON: Who are you?
MAN: That's perfect. You have no idea.
ELENA: What are you talking about? What did he do?
MAN: He killed my girlfriend. What did she do to you, huh? What did she do to you?! Nothing.
ELENA: I don't understand.
MAN: My girlfriend went to visit Stefan, and Damon killed her. Got it? He beats Damon.
DAMON: Ugh!
ELENA: Lexi? Lexi was your girlfriend? She told me about you. She said you were human.
MAN: I was.
ELENA: Lexi turned you?
MAN: If you want to be with someone forever, you have to live forever.
ELENA: She loved you. She said, "when it's real, you can't walk away."
MAN: Well, that's a choice you're not going to have to make.
ELENA: Don't. Don't, please, don't hurt him--
MAN: I'm doing you a favor.
ELENA: Lexi loved you. And she was good. That means you're good too. Be better than him. Don't do this. I'm begging you! Please. Lexi's boyfriend stop to beat Damon.
ELENA: Thank you.
MAN: It wasn't for you.
[Gram's house.]
GRAMS: Well, now, look who's returned from battle. Can I talk to your friend for minute? BONNIE: Thank you.
GRAMS: I appreciate your help, Stefan.
STEFAN: You're welcome, Sheila.
GRAMS: I wasn't sure you remembered.
STEFAN: October 1969.
GRAMS: I was barely a teenager.
STEFAN: And you were leading what was probably the only anti-war sit-in within miles of Mystic Falls.
GRAMS: Hmm.
STEFAN: You know when you spoke, people were mesmerized. I know I was.
GRAMS: Until the cops showed up. You took a big risk coming to see me earlier. Letting me read you, realize who you were. It could have gone a completely different way.
STEFAN: Your family has a very long history of keeping my secret. I knew that I could trust you if you believed I waworthy of your trust.
GRAMS: Bonnie knows, doesn't she?
STEFAN: Yes.
GRAMS: Please understand, our loyalty can only extend so far. This town won't be easy on any of us if they figure it out. And I'll protect my own before anybody else.
STEFAN: I know that.
GRAMS: As long as we're clear, goodnight, then.
STEFAN: Goodnight, Sheila.
[In the bar.]
DAMON: We were just leaving, and I wanted to sagood bye.
BREE: Good to see you again, Damon.
DAMON: No kiss?
BREE: I'm full of vervain. I put it in everything I drink.
DAMON: And you're telling me this why?
BREE: Lexi was my friend. How could you? The tomb can be opened.
DAMON: You're lying!
BREE: Emily's grimoire, her spellbook. If you know how she closed the tomb the reversal process will be in her book. You can open that tomb.
DAMON: Where is this book?
BREE: I--I--
DAMON: You have no idea.
BREE: No. I'm telling you the truth.
DAMON: And I believe you. My dear, sweet Bree. That's why I'm almost sorry.
BREE: Ugh!
He kills her.
[In Damon's car.]
ELENA: So, why did you bring me with you?
DAMON: Well you're not the worst company in the world, Elena. You could give yourself more credit.
ELENA: Seriously?
DAMON: You were there in the road. All damsel in distress-like. And I knew it would piss off Stefan. And... U're not the worst company in the world, Elena.
ELENA: I used to be more fun.
DAMON: You did ok.
ELENA: I saved your life.
DAMON: I know.
ELENA: And don't you forget it.
[Salvatore's House.]
ELENA: Hi.
STEFAN: Hi.
ELENA: You could have told me.
STEFAN: I wanted to tell you.
ELENA: You said no more lies. Only the truth. I can handle the truth, Stefan. As crazy as it is, I can handle the fact that you are a vampire. And you have a vampire brother. And that my best friend is a witch. I can accept the fact that the world is much more mysterious place than I ever thought possible. But this--this lie, I can't take. What am I to you? Who am I to you?
STEFAN: You are not Katherine. You are the opposite everything that she was.
ELENA: And when did you figure that out? Before you kissed me? Before we slept together?
STEFAN: Before I met you.
ELENA: What?
STEFAN: The first day of school. We when met. It wasn't for the first time, Elena.
ELENA: Then when was it?
STEFAN: May 23, 2009.
ELENA: But that was--
STEFAN: That was the day your parents' car went off the bridge.
ELENA: You were the?
STEFAN: Every couple of years that I come back here to see Zach and see my home. Last spring, I was out in the woods, by old wickery bridge. And I heard the accident. All of it. I was fast getting there, but not fast enough. The car was already submerged. Your dad was still- he was still conscious. I was able to get to him, but he wouldn't let me help him, until I helped you.
ELENA: Oh my god. When I woke up in the hospital, nobody could figure out how I got out of the car. They said it was a miracle.
STEFAN: I went back for them. But it was too late. I couldn't-- I couldn't save them. When I pulled you out, I looked at your face. You looked like Katherine. I couldn't believe the resemblance. After that, I spent months making sure th you weren't her. I watched you. I learned everythi that I could about you. And I saw that you were nothing like Katherine. And I wanted to leave town, but, Elena, I couldn't. I couldn't leave without knowing you. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you. I wanted to. But you were so sad.
ELENA: Why do I look like her?
STEFAN: Elena, you've been through so much.
ELENA: Why do I look like her, Stefan? What are you not telling me?
STEFAN: It didn't make any sense to me. You were a Gilbert. She was a Pierce. But the resemblance was too similar. And then I learned the truth. You were adopted, Elena.
[In the library.]
ANNA: There you are.
JEREMY: Hey.
ANNA: Hi. Ok, look. I know I don't know you, so don't ask me why I did this. I just, sometimes-- mostly all the time- I have this need to be right. So I googled and...
JEREMY: What is it?
ANNA: Proof. Sort of.
JEREMY: What does this mean?
ANNA: Well, I only went as far back as 1942, and found that there's been a string of animal attacks periodically in and around this town for the past 75 years. It's consistent. In '62, 5 boes found. In '53, 4 people killed. In '74, 3 people dead. And there's been 5 this year. All attacked. All suffered major blood loss, as in drained of blood.
[Stefan's bedroom.]
ELENA: How do you know that?
STEFAN: Your birth certificate from the city records. It says Elena Gilbert. Mystic falls general. But there's no record of your mother ever being admitted.There's no record of her ever being pregnant.
ELENA: What else do you know?
STEFAN: For me to go any further, I would've had to look into the Pierce family, and I couldn't do that. It's too much of a risk. If someone found out I was asking about Katherine-- Listen to me, it doesn't matter. You are the woman that I love. I love you.
Elena kiss him.
[Elena's house.]
JENNA: I don't set a lot of rules, Elena. Not with you. I trust you to tell me the truth. Where were you? Why would you lie to me about it? I thought that we were closer than that.
ELENA: Now is not the time you want to talk to me about lies.
JENNA: Don't do that. Don't turn this back on me. I didn't do anything.
ELENA: Ok, question-- am I adopted? I trust you to tell me the truth too, Jenna. How could you not tell me? I thought we were closer than that.
JENNA: Elena, didn't-- they asked me not to.
ELENA: I don't want to hear it!
[At Mystic Grill. Alaric sees Damon.]
[Flashback.]
ALARIC'S GIRLFRIEND: I love you.
ALARIC: I'm going to be late tonight.
Later. Alaric returns at home. He sees Damon drink the blood of his girlfriend.
[Reality.]
Alaric understands Damon is the vampire which killed her girlfriend. | |
doc_317 | [Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi.
Nurse: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me.
Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions?
Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?
Nurse: Well...
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Ross: It's all right.
Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)
Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay...
Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!
Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts?
Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me!
(Monica and Chandler come running in.)
Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did!
(There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)
Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket.
Chandler: That's right.
(Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)
Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket.
Monica: Oh man! I did it again!
Phoebe: (standing up) Okay, so umm, somebody has to call Frank and Alice. (As she is talking Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And then my mom wants to know-(notices Joey)-Joey, what are you doing?!
Joey: I gotta get the before shot!
(She shakes her head no.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering.]
Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.
Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!
Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.
Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your v*g1n*!
Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful.
Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department.
Phoebe: All right--Ooh! Oh dead God, save me!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction!
Chandler: Oh no.
Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad.
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Oh! (In an announcer type voice) And so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! (He grabs his side and doubles over in pain.)
Chandler: Hey! You okay?
Joey: Ooh, something hurts!
Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet!
Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much.
(The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.)
Ross: Hello.
Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits)
Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?
Monica: That's what it sounded like.
Chandler: All right...
Frank: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Frank: (To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?
Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice?
Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff.
Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing.
Frank: Yeah.
[Scene: The waiting room, Monica and Joey are sitting there.]
Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.
Joey: Oh my!
Rachel: They're male nurses.
Joey: Not in my head.
Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say?
Monica: Umm. (Looks at Chandler who is using the phone.) Umm. Umm. I don't think so.
Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go.
Monica: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it?
Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them.
Joey: (in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room for Jell-O...
Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty?
Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad...
[Scene: The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and Ross are with Phoebe.]
Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies... (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either--Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it.
Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway?
Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them.
Chandler: Really? Male nurses?
Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too.
Chandler: So they're going on dates? When?
Joey: I think Saturday--(groans in pain again).
Frank: (To Phoebe) What's with him?
Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder.
Dr. Harad: (entering) Okay!
Phoebe: Hey.
Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets.
Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?
Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.
Chandler: All right.
(Dr. Harad exits.)
Frank: It's not that weird, is it?
Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm y'know, dilatedamundo!
Ross: To be fair, he doesn't seem to be impersonating Fonzie...
Phoebe: (interrupting) What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie!
Ross: Again, it's not that he...
(Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for another doctor.)
[Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica.]
Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!
Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know.
Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around.
Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him.
Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too!
Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)
[Scene: The delivery room, Ross has returned with another doctor. This one, is well, younger.]
Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang.
Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade?
Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early...
Phoebe: (interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor.
Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to...
Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!
(He runs out and Frank watches him go.)
Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry!
[Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.]
Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones.
Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be?
Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones.
Joey: Or?
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones!
[Scene: The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and checking on Phoebe.]
Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky.
Phoebe: They are. Why?
Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.
Phoebe: Happy birthday!
Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.)
Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.
Phoebe: I know, it is.
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: I want to keep one. (Giggles in excitement.)
Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies!
Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know!
Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children!
Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know?
Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane.
Phoebe: Oh, just ask him!
Rachel: Me?!
Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out!
Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!!
Phoebe: You're right.
(There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.)
Phoebe: Tell him it's for you.
[Scene: Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and Monica are there.]
Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie?
Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up.
Monica: Me too.
Ross: (entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up?
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra...
Joey: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option--what's a urethra? (Monica whispers what it is in his ear.) Are you crazy?!
[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are there.]
Phoebe: (To Rachel) So did you ask him?
Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet.
Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here.
Dr. Harad: (laughing) Oh Fonzie.
Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork.
(Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at her.)
Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it.
Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie.
Rachel: Yeah, but umm... Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right?
Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right.
Monica: (entering with Chandler) Hey!
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: (To Phoebe) How are you doing?
Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now.
Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?
Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.
(A male nurse enters.)
Male Nurse: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Male Nurse: Rachel.
Rachel: Monica, this is Dan (points to him), one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. (Mouths "He's yours." to her.) Uh Dan, Monica.
Dan: Nice to meet you.
Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really!
Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?
Monica: Chandler!
Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.
Chandler: Oh.
Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War.
Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)
Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow?
Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift.
Monica: Oh, great!
Chandler: (to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?
Delivery Room Nurse: No.
Chandler: All right. Very good.
Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!!
[Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a headlock.]
Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me!
Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain.
(Joey starts breathing hard)
Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross with him.)
Ross: I do too! I do too!
Joey: Argh!
Ross: Argh!
Joey: Argh!
Ross: Argh!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: The waiting room, Frank is on the phone as Rachel approaches.]
Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! (To Rachel) Hi!
Rachel: Hi!
Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now!
Rachel: Oh, honey, don't worry. She's gonna make it on time.
Frank: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh?
Frank: (laughs) Not to me.
Rachel: Yeah, fair enough.
[Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe.]
Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please.
(They all kiss her and wish her luck.)
Monica: Bye Dan!
Dan: Uh, bye Monica.
Chandler: Bye, momi-moo.
(Everyone except Frank leaves.)
Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.
Phoebe: What is that?
(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing.
[Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.]
Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.)
[Cut to the delivery room.]
Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go!
Dan: I see the head.
Frank: Yes, it has a head!
Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on!
Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son.
Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby.
[Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank rushes in.]
Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!!
Chandler: Yes!
Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!!
Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he look?
Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.)
[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give birth to the middle kid.]
Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again?
Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone.
Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it!
(Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with her.)
[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]
Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns to the delivery room.)
[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the last time.]
Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on!
Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming!
(They both stare at the newborn.)
Frank: Hey, where's his thing?
[Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant Frank returns again.]
Frank: Chandler's a girl!
Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback.
Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!
Chandler: Okay, keep saying it!
Alice: (running in from the elevator) Am I too late?!
Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.
Alice: We have our babies?
Frank: Yeah.
Alice: (Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies.
(They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.)
[Scene: Joey's room, he is recovering from his birth.]
Joey: Oh my God.
Ross: You did it, man.
Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? (He hands Joey a little jar.)
Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on their faces.)
[Scene: A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking.]
Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow.
Monica: Great!
(Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing s*x and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't do the dance.
Chandler: Right!
[Scene: The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are holding the babies.]
Monica: I think you're my favorite.
Phoebe: Which one do you have?
Monica: I don't care.
Rachel: (entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls.
Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know...
Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey.
Phoebe: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies.
All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah.
(They hand her the babies and leave them alone.)
Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry. (She starts crying.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The delivery room, everyone is hanging out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't there.]
Monica: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing!
Phoebe: I know.
Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say?
Phoebe: Yeah. You won't be able to take it.
Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Phoebe: Works on you. | |
doc_318 | PARADISE TOWERS
PART FOUR
Run time: 24:21
[SCENE_BREAK]
1. EXT. PARADISE TOWERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(An exterior view of the Towers, high up in the sky. The glass walls and windows of the Towers reflect the fluffy white clouds hanging in the sky.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
2. INT. THE BASEMENT
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Cleaner pushes the Chief Caretaker towards his "pet" represented by the neon lights through the "No Entry" door.)
VOICE: You have no choice. I am Kroagnon, the Great Architect, and I will put an end to you and everyone in Paradise Towers.
(The Chief is pushed forward by the Cleaner and into a machine. An opaque cylinder begins to descend on him and obscures him from view. As it does so, he lets out a loud scream. The Doctor and the Kangs come out from their hiding place and watch this happen.)
BIN LINER: Ware Cleaners!
THE DOCTOR: Back to the lift.
(Fire Escape is hesitant, thinking she can use her weapon on a Kang, but the Doctor gestures for them to run.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Wait, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Back!
(Fire Escape fires her weapon, hitting a Cleaner, but it has no effect on it. Taken off guard, another Cleaner appears. With its claw it grabs the Doctor by the throat and proceeds to strangle him.)
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Doctor! Now.
(She fires her weapon and the arrow hits the Cleaner, causing a malfunction, and thus it loses its grip on the Doctor. The Doctor and the Kangs quickly run for the exit door and it closes, placing a barrier between them and the Cleaners. Back in Kroagnon's lair, the large opaque cylinder rises, revealing what used to be the Chief Caretaker. His skin now has a silvery sheen and his clothing looks clean and shiny. Kroagnon now inhabits the Chief's body. He steps out from the machinery and moves to address the Cleaners who gather around him.)
KROAGNON: Attention all Robotic Cleaners. Attention all Robotic Cleaners. At last Kroagnon can leave the basement prison they trapped his bodiless brain in and return in this borrowed body to the corridors and lifts of his own creation. They buried me away because I wanted to stop them using the Towers. And now you and I will destroy them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
3. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Doctor and the mixture of Kangs race down the street. The Doctor is clearly out of breath lagging behind.)
THE DOCTOR: Just a moment, please stop! Please! The immediate danger's over. And I wouldn't mind getting my breath back.
(The Doctor sits down on an old crate at the side of the corridor. The three Kangs - Drinking Fountain (Blue Kang Leader), Fire Escape (Red Kang Leader) and Bin Liner (Red Kang) - kneel down beside him. A fourth Red Kang stands guard at the end of the corridor.)
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: The Doctor really is ice hot.
THE DOCTOR: Very hot!
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Not a yawny Oldster.
THE DOCTOR: Now, you understand the dangerous position we're in. We must gather all the Kangs together.
FIRE ESCAPE: And is the Chief Caretaker really unalive?
THE DOCTOR: As himself, yes. But you saw what happened. Up till now Kroagnon's simply been a mind without a body, as your parents must have left him. However, I fear he may have spent his time down there devising a way of performing Corpoelectroscopy - a way of transplanting his brilliant brain to some host body.
BIN LINER: And what's the come out, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I can't be certain. But Kroagnon won't want to stay locked up in his basement much longer. He's bound to show himself in one form or another.
[SCENE_BREAK]
4. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Pex is sitting at the side of the pool whilst Mel bobs around in the water, enjoying herself.)
MEL: Oh, the water's really lovely. You really ought to come and join me, Pex. It'll do you the world of good. There's really nothing to be frightened of.
(Mel fails to see the Yellow Robotic Crab-like Pool Cleaner as it comes up behind her. It grabs hold of her and she lets out a scream. Pex is alerted and jumps to his feet, uncertain of what to do.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
5. INT. RED KANG HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The hideout is bustling with activity. The Doctor rests against a large blue barrel. The Red and Blue Kangs are present.)
THE DOCTOR: It's taking over the building floor by floor.
(Bin Liner is on the Talky phone.)
BIN LINER: Return to Red Kang Base and Ware Cleaners! Build High for Happiness.
(She replaces the receiver onto it's position on the Drinking Machine.)
THE DOCTOR: Is Fire Escape going to join us?
(Bin Liner nods.)
THE DOCTOR: Are all the Kangs here? Red? Blue?
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Yes. Except for those...
THE DOCTOR: Those who've been made unalive. Yes. Well, when Fire Escape gets here we must all make for the Great Pool in the Sky.
[SCENE_BREAK]
6. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Yellow Pool Cleaner is attempting to drag Mel under the water. Her head goes under a few times but she struggles to remain above the surface of the water. Pex runs around the side of the pool in a state of confusion and panic.)
MEL: Pex, do something!
PEX: But what should I do?
MEL: Anything!
(The Cleaner bobs up and down in the water threatening Mel with its claws and mechanical tendrils that are wrapped around Mel's body.)
PEX: Help! Help!
MEL: Can't you think of anything else?
(Again the Cleaner pulls Mel beneath to the surface of the water. When she struggles back up again, she makes a lunge in the direction of Pex, reaching for his gun.)
MEL: Quick. Give me that!
(She takes the gun from Pex and splashes her way out of the pool as the Cleaner advances after her. She turns and fires directly at it causing an explosion. The Cleaner buzzes and crackle and sinks to the bottom of the pool. Mel stands panting on the edge of the pool with Pex.)
PEX: Mel, I did warn you.
(Mel turns to look at Pex in frustrated disbelief.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
7. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Deputy Chief Caretaker stands in front of the bank of monitor screens as he addresses his fellow caretakers.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Attention all Caretakers. Regulation ZZZ is now in operation. This overrides all other rules and regulations. I repeat, this overrides all other rules and regulations. All Caretakers to act with extreme caution and get back here as fast as they can.
(The monitor screens display various Caretakers running down the corridors in response to his instructions.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
8. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mel and Pex are sitting on a lounger at the side of the pool. Mel has dried off and put her clothes back on. Pex looks very glum.)
MEL: Pex.
PEX: What?
MEL: I'm sorry.
(She is distracted by a sound coming from the other end of the pool - behind a curtain.)
MEL: What's that?
PEX: Where?
MEL: Well there's a rustling sound coming from over there.
PEX: I only checked it a few minutes ago.
MEL: Shall I go?
PEX: If you want.
(Taking a deep breath, Mel puts her towel aside and walks as nonchalantly as possible towards the curtained-off area. Pex cautiously follows her, getting his gun out just in case. She pulls aside the curtains to see nothing there.)
PEX: Nothing there?
MEL: No.
PEX: Sure?
MEL: Of course. See for yourself.
(Suddenly the Doctor bursts through the curtain, startling both Pex and Mel. Mel gasps but is then relieved.)
MEL: Doctor!
THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry to give you such a shock, Mel, but this is where the Cleaner service lift appears to come out.
MEL: Oh, Doctor, it's so good to see you!
THE DOCTOR: And you, Mel, and you!
(The Doctor and Mel hug. The Doctor notices Pex and reaches out his hand and doffs his hat.)
THE DOCTOR: Um, how d'you do?
MEL: This is Pex.
THE DOCTOR: Ah. I believe you've met my friends before.
(The Doctor steps back and pulls the curtain back to reveal the Kangs. Pex takes up a defensive stance and eyes them suspiciously.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
9. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Smoke starts to fill the corridor. A Caretaker appears at the end of it, clutching his throat and coughing. He falls to the ground dead. Kroagnon, inhabiting the Chief Caretaker's body, walks awkwardly down the corridor followed by a Cleaner that belches out smoke.)
KROAGNON: Search hard, My Cleaners, search hard. Bring them all out! All the nasty human beings! The Caretakers! The Residents! The Kangs! All of them! We'll be back to collect the rubbish later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
10. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Kangs are sitting in a united group along the side of the pool with Pex alone at the end. The Doctor and Mel are pacing up and down at the head of the pool.)
MEL: Imagine building this beautiful pool and filling it with mechanical killers.
THE DOCTOR: The rest of the Towers would have been like this pool if he'd had his way. A killer in every corner.
MEL: And you're sure Kroagnon's been let loose again?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, very much so. But we know so little about his plans. He had years to brood over what he wants to do. But we've no time to come up with a counter plan.
(Fire Escape moves over to Pex to taunt him, with the other seated Red and Blue Kangs willing her on.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Did Mel make the creature unalive for you?
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: And stop you being taken to the cleaners?
(Pex nods his head shamefully.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Then Mel is a Kang after all.
(They all look around at the Doctor and Mel conversing at the other end of the Pool.)
PEX: I'll show you all. I will put the world of Paradise Towers to rights.
BIN LINER: Oh, yes?
PEX: Yes!
FIRE ESCAPE: You're a cowardly cutlet, Pex. You will always hide, always.
(All the Kangs laugh at Pex. Mel and the Doctor watch the unruly group.)
MEL: They shouldn't treat him like that.
THE DOCTOR: That's Paradise Towers in a nutshell, I'm afraid. The Red Kangs didn't trust the Blue Kangs. And none of them trusted the Caretakers. And the Rezzies, from your account, prey on whoever they can and trust no one either. And all of them despise poor old Pex. Oh, the Great Architect must be delighted. How are we going to unite the people of Paradise Towers to defeat him?
MEL: We'll find a way. We have to.
(The Doctor looks despairingly at Mel. All through their conversation, the Kang chants of "He's a Cowardly Cutlet" have been building, directed at Pex. Unable to take anymore, Pex storms off in the direction of the way out. He walks past the Doctor and Mel. She goes to follow him.)
MEL: Pex, don't go. Pex!
(All of those gathered around the pool are stunned into silence and stillness at the unexpected arrival of three Rezzies, lead by Maddy. She steps timidly forward to address them all.)
MADDY: I... that is we... we the Rezzies... the remaining Rezzies that is, want to talk to you all. I think we may need your help.
[SCENE_BREAK]
11. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Deputy Chief Caretaker sits alone, solemnly staring at the floor. The main door to the room opens with a hum and what the Deputy thinks is the Chief walks in - Kroagnon. The Deputy jumps up looking pleased.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Well, Chiefy, I thought you were lost. I...
(He stops as he sees two Cleaners through the doorway behind the Chief (Kroagnon). He notices the Chief's slightly odd appearance - he has a silvery sheen to his face and clothing. He starts to advance awkwardly towards the Deputy.)
KROAGNON: The Towers have become appallingly dirty.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Sorry?
KROAGNON: The whole place is polluted with flesh, living flesh.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Flesh? Did you say living flesh?
KROAGNON: Yes.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: But Chief, you...
KROAGNON: Deputy, may I remind you that there is a rulebook and the rulebook says that the orders of the Chief Caretaker are never to be questioned.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Yes, yes. Of course, of course, Chief. Unless...
KROAGNON: Unless...?
(Kroagnon starts to advance menacingly towards the Deputy, who starts to back away in the direction of the door.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Well, I think you may recall that there are certain cases specified when the rulebook can be overridden, and that is when the Chief Caretaker...
KROAGNON: Yes...?
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: ...just isn't the Chief Caretaker.
(The Deputy Chief Caretaker turns around and runs out of the door. He leaps over the Cleaners that are in the way and races down the corridor. Kroagnon goes to the door and addresses the Cleaners.)
KROAGNON: Leave him. Leave him. We'll clean him up when we clean up all the others.
[SCENE_BREAK]
12. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Doctor, Mel, Pex, the Red Kangs and the Blue Kangs are all gathered around to hear the information provided by the Rezzies who are seated on a sofa.)
MADDY: The Cleaners have reached about floor 115 now. All the Rezzies, that can, have moved up to the higher floors, but not everyone was quick enough.
(The Doctor points to the map on the table in the centre of everyone so that they can all see how high the Cleaners have reached.)
THE DOCTOR: And you're sure that person ordering the Cleaners to do this looks like the Chief Caretaker?
(Maddy simply nods.)
BIN LINER: But he's unalive, Doctor. We saw it.
THE DOCTOR: Exactly. So the Great Architect has taken over his body.
(Fire Escape leans forward to cast accusations.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Why should we believe her? Rezzies are full of untruth and Kangs. Rotten old rubber neck...
THE DOCTOR: Please, please, be quiet. Be quiet.
(He hushes the Kang grumblings and reassures Maddy to continue as she consults, in hushed tones, with her fellow Rezzies.)
MADDY: Of course, I know that we residents have not always been as neighbourly as we might have been. But some have been worse than others. And the worst have gone... down the waste disposal chute.
(The Doctor looks disapprovingly at this. Mel and Pex exchange looks, remembering the event described.)
MADDY: But those of us who are left want to let bygones be bygones. We're all in danger now and well, we're very sorry for what we did and we won't do it again. If we all survive that is. We need each other's help.
THE DOCTOR: Well, you Kangs, what d'you say to that?
(Drinking Fountain and another Blue Kang and Fire Escape and Bin Liner, representing the Red Kangs, get into a secret huddle to discuss, whilst the others wait. The huddle breaks up and they address the group.)
BIN LINER: I won't say Rezzies are Ice Hot but yes she's not telling untruths. And yes, we'll help each other.
THE DOCTOR: All agreed? Pex?
FIRE ESCAPE: Don't ask him. He's a cowardly cutlet.
THE DOCTOR: Fire Escape!! Pex?
(Pex waits for silence and grimly nods his head.)
FIRE ESCAPE: We work with Rezzies - no to-do. We work with Pex - no to-do. But the Caretakers?
(All the Kangs get to their feet to proclaim as one voice.)
KANGS: Never, ever!!!
(Suddenly they have to spin around as they are interrupted by the subtle coughing of the Deputy Chief Caretaker who stands behind them.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Excuse me. I'm sorry to intrude like this, but I wondered if I might have a word with you all.
[SCENE_BREAK]
13. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Kroagnon stands at a transparent map of Paradise Towers and, with a highlighting marker pen, he marks the last floor that Cleaners have reached.)
KROAGNON: 170. All the messy creatures will be moving up to the swimming pool zone on floor 304. Luckily they won't have time to make it too untidy before I destroy them. I have nothing to fear. Nobody knows my Paradise Towers better than I do.
(He sits down at the desk and watches blankly at the monitor screens displaying the Cleaners busily going about their killer sprees.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
14. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Everyone stands ready, awaiting the planning process. The Doctor checks his watch and pockets it again.)
THE DOCTOR: We have very little time, so we must think clearly. Now Kroagnon, as we now must call the Chief Caretaker, is firmly installed in your headquarters. Am I right, Deputy Chief?
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Yes, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: So we must find a way of getting him out again.
BIN LINER: Set a trap for him!
THE DOCTOR: Precisely.
MADDY: We used to do that a lot with the rats.
MEL: But what about the Cleaners?
THE DOCTOR: First, we must immobilise as many as we can.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: I know it's against the rulebook to say this, but I suppose these are exceptional circumstances.
THE DOCTOR: They could be described thus, yes.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Well, on the 245 Sodium Street, Corridor 75, there's a secret emergency supply kept for pest going out of control.
MEL: An emergency supply of what?
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Explosives.
MEL: That'll do it.
FIRE ESCAPE: Ice Hot!
BIN LINER: With explosives and arrogance we can blow out the Cleaners, no problem.
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Send the Cleaners to the Cleaners.
ALL: Yes!!
(They all laugh.)
MADDY: Most of the Rezzies make table cloths. We could throw them over the Cleaners to slow them down for you to shoot.
FIRE ESCAPE: Ice Hot, Maddy!
THE DOCTOR: (to Mel) We seem to be getting somewhere at last.
(Everyone seems jubilant at there ideas, there is lots of merriment and clapping.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
15. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Kroagnon continues to make his marks on the transparent map.)
KROAGNON: 163. Time to see what the human garbage is up to in the swimming pool zone.
(He moves to the desk and activates a control. One monitor screen goes blank and the computer voice speaks out.)
COMPUTER VOICE: By express order of the Great Architect, surveillance of the swimming pool is not allowed. Not allowed.
(Kroagnon growls with anger.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
16. EXT. FLOOR 304 / THE POOL
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The inhabitants of Paradise Towers in the swimming pool area are so overjoyed at their ideas they forget the urgency of the situation and need the Doctor to calm things.)
THE DOCTOR: Please! Please! We must move on to the main problem.
(As silence is regained, the Doctor starts to wander around the pool to ponder. Bin Liner and Fire Escape follow him.)
THE DOCTOR: How to persuade Kroagnon to leave his safety and come to a place of our choosing where we can trap and defeat him.
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: He'll never leave there until we're all wiped out. We'll never manage to break. I should know that.
THE DOCTOR: Well there is a way that might just work.
FIRE ESCAPE: What's that, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Well you see, Kroagnon is undoubtedly a very clever and very proud being, and like many clever and proud beings likes to be appreciated by his equals. Now, I think if he had the chance to meet such a person, he would leave his lair to do so.
MEL: Doctor, you're not going to go and...
THE DOCTOR: I've no choice, Mel. I mean, in all honesty, I am the only obvious candidate.
MEL: You'll go out there and show yourself and be killed.
THE DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no. That would be extremely futile. I will allow myself to be seen, and then somebody will go to Kroagnon and offer to lead him to me - right into our little trap. Now that person has a far more difficult and dangerous mission than I.
(Everyone looks around awkwardly and goes silent until one person speaks out.)
PEX: I will go to Kroagnon. I am Pex and I am the...
FIRE ESCAPE: A Cowardly Cutlet.
(All the Kangs laugh raucously. Pex is hurt but Mel looks on encouragingly.)
PEX: Well you all have tasks to do. Caretakers, Residents, Kangs, why should only Pex be left out. Pex the trained fighting machine. Pex the only...
BIN LINER: The scaredy cat.
(Again their riotous laughter silences Pex.)
MEL: Pex, are you sure you want to do this?
PEX: Yes, I am.
THE DOCTOR: So be it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
17. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The monitor screen continues to display the Cleaners going about their task of destruction. Kroagnon looks at his map but is interrupted by a bing from the control desk. Suddenly a screen comes to life and shows the Doctor's face. Kroagnon walks towards it.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello, there, Kroagnon. This is the Doctor speaking. I don't believe we've met, though no doubt you've heard of me.
(Kroagnon just growls at the arrogance.)
THE DOCTOR: I thought so. Anyway, I'd heard so much about Paradise Towers I thought I'd come and take a look and, believe me, I'm very disappointed. It displays exactly what everyone says is your usual failure as an architect - not making allowances for people. Still, I'm sure if we managed to work together, we might just about make this place habitable. I've a few ideas which I might give to you if you can be bothered to listen. Bye for now.
(The Doctor's screen goes black and Kroagnon again growls with anger.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
18. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(A Cleaner moves into yet another corridor to gas yet more unfortunates. Maddy appears from one of the flats to address it. Behind Maddy are two other residents. It stops in its tracks to hear here speak.)
MADDY: Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. I hope you don't mind my mentioning it, but I think you missed some rubbish in the street back there.
(The Cleaner starts to turn around to return to the previous corridor.)
MADDY: Charge!!
(When its back is turned, Maddy ducks down and the two other residents rush forward and throw a table cloth over the Cleaner's eyes, blocking its vision. They then run off, and Drinking Fountain appears in another doorway and aims a bolt from her weapon, hitting the Cleaner. The Cleaner explodes and then falls silent.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
19. INT. THE RED KANG HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(As the Kangs busy themselves gathering together essential pieces of equipment and setting up the explosive around the room, the Doctor and Mel are talking with Pex to prepare him.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, are you clear what you have to do, Pex?
MEL: And you are sure you want to go through with it?
PEX: I won't be unbrave again.
THE DOCTOR: Remember, Pex, you must get him out of the CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS as quick as you can so that he doesn't see what's happening to the Cleaner. But then, once he's out, take as long as you can. We need time, no heroics, just a cool clear head.
PEX: I can manage.
THE DOCTOR: Good luck, Pex.
(The Doctor shakes his hand and then walks off leaving Pex with Mel.)
MEL: I've been asked to give you this, Pex. It's a Kang bracelet. They wanted to give it to you. They think you're not a scaredy cat any longer but a real Kang. Good luck, Pex.
(She places the bracelet on his wrist and then kisses his cheek. He looks embarrassed. He gives Mel his gun.)
PEX: You take this, Mel. Can't use it this time.
(Fire Escape, Bin Liner and Mel watch Pex earnestly leave. Bin Liner hands him a stick of explosives.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
20. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Another cleaner moves smoothly into the corridor but is confronted by Drinking Fountain and her weapon. She fires and yet another Cleaner is dispatched. Residents, Caretakers and Kangs join her as she celebrates its immobilising.)
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Come on, on to the next one.
(They all move off, following here from the corridor, leaving the smoking remains of the Cleaner.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
21. INT. THE CARETAKERS' HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Pex is displayed on one of the monitor screens as he boldly addresses Kroagnon.)
KROAGNON: So you say you could lead me to this so-called Doctor who dares to mock me?
PEX: Yes, he and the other... mobile rubbish have found a place to hide that they think you don't know about. And they're there planning ways of resistance.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KROAGNON: If you deliver me this Doctor, I'll give you a safe way out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
22. INT. THE RED KANG HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Mel descends the stairs into the room and goes to see the Doctor. Other Kangs are busying around with the explosives.)
MEL: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
MEL: The door's nearly back in place anyway but they're having trouble with the fortamoliscope (sic) opening device.
THE DOCTOR: I better give them a hand. See what you can do to help the Kangs down there. Oh, and Mel, don't forget to leave the escape hatch uncovered so that I can make my exit.
(He makes his way to the main entrance door and passes Bin Liner by its side.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh I just hope that Pex doesn't lose his nerve and hurry. Otherwise it won't be Kroagnon who's caught in a booby trap, it'll be us.
[SCENE_BREAK]
23. INT. THE SQUARE
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Various Kangs are splattered around the square, out of sight from the approaching Pex and Kroagnon. Two Cleaners follow them.)
KROAGNON: This is not some trick is it?
PEX: No! No!
KROAGNON: I've only just began to enjoy walking around my marvellous Towers in this body and I wouldn't deal very kindly with anybody who was stupid enough to lay a trap for me.
(They stop just inside the square. Pex looks anxiously aside. Kroagnon taps Pex on the shoulder and startles him.)
KROAGNON: Not frightened, are you?
PEX: I... I think we ought to hurry, Great Architect. Please, let's hurry.
KROAGNON: As you wish.
(Pex walks off. Kroagnon goes to follow him but senses something around him. He turns but sees nothing behind him except for the TARDIS sitting in the corner covered in wallscrawl. He walks onwards, still awkwardly as he cannot quite handle the control of the Chief's body. The two Cleaners follow smoothly after him. When they have gone, the Kangs on the walkway above come from hiding and await a signal from below. A Kang appears and tells them to move on. They leave the square. Drinking Fountain goes to the talky phone in the square and contacts the others.)
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: They're on their way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
24. INT. THE RED KANG HEADQUARTERS
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Bin Liner replaces the receiver at her end after talking with Drinking Fountain. She is with Mel.)
MEL: What's happening?
BIN LINER: They're making all speed here.
MEL: What!?!
BIN LINER: Pex has been a scaredy cat. They'll be here in no time.
THE DOCTOR: I must tell the Doctor.
(Mel runs for the door but Bin Liner stops her before she steps on the tripwires.)
BIN LINER: Danger! Tripwires. This way.
(Bin Liner leads Mel out through the "unseen outway".)
[SCENE_BREAK]
25. INT. THE STREET
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Doctor is with the Deputy Chief Caretaker and Fire Escape outside the Kang Headquarters. He is adjusting the door control.)
THE DOCTOR: That should do it.
(The Deputy Chief Caretaker notices Kroagnon, Pex and the two Cleaners appear at the other end of the street.)
DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Doctor! And we're not ready for him.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, Pex. Move back, quickly.
FIRE ESCAPE: Oh, but Doctor, he'll make you unalive.
(Mel and Bin Liner appear on the street, having exited from the escape route.)
THE DOCTOR: There's only one way this might work, and for that I need to be on my own.
MEL: Come on.
(Mel, Bin Liner, Fire Escape and the Deputy all pull back to the other end of the Street, away from the Doctor. Kroagnon appears before the Doctor whilst Pex stand a little way behind him.)
KROAGNON: Well!?!
THE DOCTOR: Well, now, Kroagnon. How nice of you to drop in. I'm so glad. I wanted to have a word with you about the shoddy design of this building. I mean, take this door for instance, look at it.
KROAGNON: There was nothing wrong with it when I built it, unless humanoid creatures have damaged it.
THE DOCTOR: Well, speaking as an expert, I'm prepared to tell the universe you couldn't design a simple doorknob. I mean, look.
(Kroagnon growl as the Doctor points to the door. Kroagnon goes to look at it and the Doctor opens the door and attempts to push him inside. Kroagnon spins around and pushes the Doctor to his side. The others look on horrified. Pex makes to run away but the Cleaners stand in his way. He runs away in the other direction past the Doctor, who makes another attempt to push Kroagnon into the explosives-laden Kang Headquarters.)
THE DOCTOR: Pex!! Please!!
(Pex runs into Mel who looks at him disappointed. He remembers his Kang bracelet and goes back to help the Doctor who is being pushed repeatedly against the wall by Kroagnon. Pex pushes the Doctor aside and shoves the stick of explosive that Bin Liner gave him earlier into Kroagnon's hand. With one great leap he manages to push Kroagnon off his feet and through the door into the Kang Headquarters. Instantly the darkened interior explodes, debris flying everywhere.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
26. INT. THE SQUARE
[SCENE_BREAK]
(All the residents of Paradise Towers are gathered together to mourn and honour Pex. The Kangs stand around their memorial made from pieces of junk. The Rezzies and the Caretakers stand back looking on. Also present are the Doctor and Mel.)
BIN LINER: Hail Pex. Hail the unalive who gave his life for the Towers. In life he was not a Kang but in death he was brave and bold as a Kang should be.
(The Kangs, Red and Blue, stand as one and start to encircle the memorial.)
KANGS: Hail Pex. Hail the unalive. Hail Pex. Hail the Unalive.
(Mel and the Doctor look on.)
MEL: Poor Pex.
THE DOCTOR: Indeed, poor Pex. But look, Mel, they're all here. The Caretakers, the Rezzies, the Kangs. This would never have happened before. Perhaps now they'll all start working together.
MEL: Yes.
(Fire Escape, Bin Liner and Drinking Fountain move over to join the Doctor and Mel.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, Fire Escape. Now, have you managed to remove the Kang wallscrawls from the TARDIS as you promised?
FIRE ESCAPE: Build High for Happiness, Doctor.
(She passes the Doctor his umbrella with a sheepish grin.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh, thank you very much.
DRINKING FOUNTAIN: We're sorry you must go, Doctor and Mel. We've made you an honorary Kang, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, a Blue Kang or a Red Kang?
(She passes a blue scarf over to the Doctor and Fire Escape shows him that it is red on the other side.)
FIRE ESCAPE: Both.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, well I'll be honoured to wear it.
(He doffs his hat to them as they move off to join the procession.)
THE DOCTOR: And all my best wishes to the future of Paradise Towers.
(The Doctor and Mel wave goodbye to the others standing present and move over to the other side of the square where the TARDIS in standing waiting to depart. Mel unlocks the door. The Doctor doffs his hat to the same piece of metal rubbish that he said hello to when they arrived.)
THE DOCTOR: Goodbye.
MEL: No, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Well you never can tell.
(They both go inside the TARDIS and once the door is shut, the familiar whizzing and groaning sound echoes around the square. Once the TARDIS has gone it reveals a piece of writing scrawled on the wall. "Pex Lives".) | |
doc_319 | [Woody's. Brian's playing pool. Justin rubs his dick over the corner pocket.]
Brian: Would you move your dick? I can't concentrate.
[Justin turns around and rubs his ass over the corner pocket instead.]
Emmett: You shouldn't have any trouble sinking into that hole.
[Brian makes the shot and Justin moans with glee.]
Ben: [to Michael] What given you me to concentrate at?
[Ted is handing out flyers for a charity event, but nobody cares.]
Ted: Come to the angel ball. f*ck you, too!
Emmett: That wasn't very angelic.
Ted: Who even take a goddamn flyer?
Brian: Four hundred bucks for another boring fundraiser.
Michael: Angels Over Pittsburgh isn't just another charity; when Vic was sick they brought a meal practically every day. My mom and I couldn't done without that.
Ted: Unfortunately that's not what these guys doin'.
Brian: They need a big attraction.
Justin: Like Madonna. Or the Backstreet Boys.
Ted: Yeah, it's just Pittsburgh, sunshine. Not your wildest dreams.
Emmett: Hot about Pittsburgh's own Divina Devore? She's in town.
Brian: Oh yeah, that's good. Another worn-out old drag queen.
Emmett: What kind of homosexual are you?
Brian: The kind that f*cks men.
Emmett: Divina Devore it's a legend. She's performed before presidents.
Brian: Ulysses S. Grant or Chester A. Arthur?
Michael: Go got her. But you won't have trouble with your tickets.
Ben: It's worth a shot.
[Michael squats in front of the corner pocket. Ben shoots and the ball rolls towards Michael's mouth. Ben misses. Michael pouts. The boys laugh.]
Michael: Oh.
[The kindergarten! We're at a center for early education/day care/fancy-pants place.]
women: Here in center for early development we offered an unique education parently. Which creates a save and supportive enviroment which are our degree candidates can inquire an invaluable learning and social skills.
Mel: Degree candidates? There are pre-schoolers.
woman: Therefore as much we would like to accept all applicants in order to ensure maximum focus and individual attention we can only admit a select few.
[Lindsay raises her hand]
Lindsay: May I ask what determines the final decision?
woman: The child's own unique talents and abilities will play a big part, but we're also trying to create the full spectrum of human diversity. Race, religion, socio-economic background.
Mel: What about sexual orientation?
woman: Oh yes, that too.
Lindsay: Are any same-sex-parented children currently enrolled?
woman: Not yet, but we're entend to make every afford to change that.
[The diner wall changes artwork. Now it's all Justin's.]
Debbie: [to a customer] The master piece that's what it is. For 50 bucks you'll buy the next Michael Angelo.
[The guy just rudely walks off]
Debbie: Ignorier miss.His does not know dick about art.
Justin: It doesn't matter. You do.
Jen: Justin, you didn't tell me you has your own show.
Justin: It's not exactly the Museum of Modern Art.
Debbie: That's next!
[Justin and Jennifer hug.]
Justin: You want something to eat?
Jen: Uh, thanks honey. I just had lunch. I'm with your father.
Justin: I don't talk about him.
Jen: Well, I just wanna talk either, but we'll do. He says he's not gonna pay for your school anymore.
Justin: Wha... That lame-ass sh1t. What's his feeble excuse?
Jen: The stock market and supporting two households. And he's a lame-ass sh1t. I don't want you to worry. I spoke to the accountant, I got a little of my savings, I can cash my IAR...
Justin: I don't takin' your money. You and Molly had to live.
Jen: You're sister and I'll be just... fine.
Justin: No, forget it. I'll take care of myself.
[Woody's. Divina Devore performing live at stage. Emmett, Ted, and Michael prance backstage right behind the stage manager. (S)he finished.]
Emmett: If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man.
Michael: What woman looks like that? Big, red wig, tons of jewelry, gaudy clothes?
[Emmett, Ted, and the stage manager all turn slowly to the screen.]
Michael: My mother doesn't look like that!
[Divina leans back on the curtain as the audience politely applauds.]
Divina: Thank you, Pittsburgh! For reminding me why I left!
Ted: I hope she's not be one of those maniac divas who thinks she's the center of the universe -- you know, snapping her fingers bossing people around.
[Divina comes backstage.]
Divina: [to the stage manager] Hey, you. Tell the idiot, the one whos the lights the spot is suppose to be at my face. Not the left tit!
Stage manager: Yes, ma'am. I mean, sir.
Ted: Excuse me, Miss Devore.
Divina: Yes?
Ted: I just want to say... your performance tonight was... sparkling.
Emmett: Bubbling.
Ted: Effervescent.
Divina: Stop, you'll make me burp.
Michael: Miss Devore? Hi, I want to tell you your performance was really great.
Divina: I'm flattering for receive so much praise from so a handsome young men. Now, if you excuse me.
Ted: Wait. Uh, we wanted to ask you...
Divina: ...for my autograph.
Ted: And for your help. See, I'm organising a charity event...
Emmett: It's for a very good cause.
Divina: Is it ever a bad one?
Ted: It's for Angels Over Pittsburgh.
Michael: They prepare home cook meals for homeless people who have AIDS.
Ted: And I was hoping you were might...
Divina: Perform? Oh, I'd love to!
Emmett and Ted: You would?
Divina: If I didn't already spend half my life doing benefits. If I do any more, they'll have to throw one for me.
[Brian and Justin sit in a jeep.]
Justin: I told you, I can pay for this.
Brian: With your secrets money?
Justin: I'll get another job, a real job where I actually pay for it.
Brian: They pay for a hundred a week?
Justin: I still apply for a scholarship all alone.
Brian: What are you use for collection? Your ass? Stop being such a twat. I just trying to help you.
Justin: You've helped enough. You did practically my entire life.
Brian: What do you mean 'practically' ?
Justin: Look, I don't want you feel like you have always take care of me. And I don't want me to.
Brian: Fine, then go ahead. Don't come claim to me when it's didn't work.
Justin: I love that you do anything for me.
Brian: Who said it was for you? I made an investment, I want to pay off.
[Justin pulls off his seatbelt and gives Brian a blowjob at a red light. The man in the car next to Brian watches. Brian watches him back. Brian revs his engine.]
[Angels Over Pittsburgh sign on the refrigerator.]
Ted: Who the f*ck wants to see some worn-out old drag queen, anyway?
Emmett: Honey, you find someone else.
Michael: It's like Ben always says "You have to be a positive energy for."
Ted: What did Ben do in this new google-dee gook?
[Michael trows eat to Ted.]
Ted: You know, I woldn't been Divina Devore in the Benefit even if I could her.
Vic: Dvina Devore? Is she in town?
Michael: Yeah, we beg her to perform at the benefit but she turn us down.
Vic: She always was a selfish prick.
Emmett: You know her?
Vic: Honey, I knew her when she was a him. He was Danny Devore then. We went to highschool together.
Emmett: NO!
Ted: You know, maybe if you use the personal connection we can convince her mind.
Michael: Me?
Ted: You're our only hope.
Emmett: I thought you didn't even want her.
Ted: Well, that was before I know that she is a friend of the family.
Vic: I'm sure she wouldn't remember me.
[Lindsay's in pigtails, shouting to Mel from the porch.]
Lindsay: Mel! Mel!
Mel: What's the matter?
Lindsay: Look, a letter.
Mel: Haven't you've seen this before?
Lindsay: It's from Gus new school.
Mel: Hey, today the universe could be more to Harvert.
Lindsay: Who said anything about Harvert?
Mel: I thoughed everyone want a kid go to Harvert.
Lindsay: I feel we should considered at least Brown.
Mel: We'll continue this in 16 years. Just read the letter. What does she says?
Lindsay: He didn't get in.
Mel: What?! [she reads the letter] It's bullshit. They always made such a big deal about all different kinds of people.
Lindsay: Apparently not our kind of people.
Mel: What was all this crap about looking for a kid from same s*x parents?
Lindsay: She didn't mean us.
Mel: It's discrimination. That's what it is.
Lindsay: Against our son. For something that has nothing to do with him.
[Fotoshooting with Divina Devore! The photographer's talking in a voice-over.]
Michael: I know your busy, Mrs.Devore.
Divina: Then why are you here?
Michael: Well, I was hoping you were change your mind.
Divina: I don't change my mind! Only my underwear. Now, if you kindly show yourself out!
Michael: Guess my uncle was right.
Divina: Excuse me?
Michael: Nothing. Just something he said. He knew you back in Highschool.
Divina: Oh really and who was that?
Michael: You wouldn't remember. Vic Grassi?
[Camera zooms in her face.]
Divina: Vic Grassi. Oh, my god, I remember Vic. I hear that he was sick.
Michael: Yeah, he's doin' a lot better now. Now he's on a cocktail.
Divina: I'm glad to hear it. Tell him I say hello. So, if Vic is your uncle then Debbie must be your mother.
Michael: Knew her?
Divina: Knew her? I dated her!
Michael: You? I mean...?
Divina: Oh, back then I was a male impersonator. I did a really convincing act, too. How's she doin'?
Michael: Practically undestructable.
Divina: Did she became a nurse like she always wanted?
Michael: I never knew that. Just a waitress.
Divina: Jesus, I can still hear that laugh of her. She bring down a house. I wish she was in front of me last night. Oh, not complaint, I tell you kid, your momma was a real looker.
Michael: Still is. Just, now there's more to look at.
Divina: This benefit of yours, when is it?
Michael: Friday night.
Divina: I tell you what. I'll be there after my show.
Michael: That's so cool. You're doin' a really good deed. Thank you.
Divina: Don't thank me, pay me.
Michael: So how long's been you saw my mom?
Divina: Not since the summer of my graduation. I... I left town after that.
Michael: I bet you have some interesting stories about the two of you.
Divina: Gentlemen don't reveal such themes. Especially gentlemens who are ladies.
[Liberty Diner. Michael put on a sign of the poster with Divina Devore.]
Ted: Where is he? Michael! [Ted kisses Michael] I cannot believe you got her change her mind.
Brian: I can't believe Deb dated a drag queen. How anyone could tell them apart.
Emmett: At least now we know who taught her how to do her hair.
Brian: You realize it's makes your mother officially fag hag of all time. Then Vic, then you. Hey Debbie.
Debbie: Hey guys. Hi baby.
Brian: I hear your boyfriend is in town.
Debbie: Michael, about who's he talking about it?
Michael: It's someone you used to go...
Debbie: Yeah? Who?
Michael: Danny Devore.
[Debbie is shocked, angry, and grumpy.]
Debbie: Danny Devore.
Emmett: Better known as Divina Devore.
Ted: Michael got her agreement to perform on the Angel Ball.
Emmett: Yeah, thanks to you.
Debbie: What have I to do with it?
Brian: She said she couldn't possible turn down the son of a former flame.
Debbie: You shout your mouth! He had no right talk to my kid about my personal life.
Michael: We didn't say anything. He only said you two used to go out.
Debbie: Yeah, it was like a million years ago. I should be over him.
[Debbie walks away.]
[Babylon. Naked dancing boys. Sweet, toned flesh. Good flesh. Good music. Justin sticks a dollar in the g-string of a dancing boy. Brian snaps a dollar out of a different stripper's g-string.]
Brian: Shouldn't you been holding on on that?
Justin: It doesn't much matter since it's my last one.
Brian: Sort of like infections in the 19th century french noble been revive.
Justin: f*ck off.
Brian: Find a job.
Justin: I must have tried twenty restaurants and nobody hired.
Brian: What does the financial aid office said?
Justin: My f*cking father makes to much money.
Brian: Well, my offer still stands.
Justin: So does my answer. Better do that on my own.
Stripper: Give me a hand?
Brian: See? Some people know how to accept help.
[Justin roll his eyes. He watches the stripper pull money out of his crotch.]
Justin: Looks like a good night.
Stripper: It's nothing compared with the weekend.
Justin: Really? Cause I've been looking for something. Are they looking for more dancers?
Stripper: Gary's always looking.
[Brian and Justin are quiet, thinking. Brian walks away.]
[Debbies house. In Michaels old room. Ben and Michael arm are there. Very geeky picture of Michael and Brian in high school with their arms around each other.]
Michael: See what a dork I was?
Ben: You weren't a dork. I was a dork.
Michael: A fat ones.
Ben: You have no idea how fat. You are more dweeb.
Michael: Thanks.
Ben: Brian on the other hand...
Michael: I know, he was a total turn on.
Ben: I would say spaz.
Michael: Is it better or worse than a dweeb?
Ben: Oh, fare worse. Have I mention that I have a thing for dweebs?
Michael: Later. Goin check my moms old stuff.
Ben: Wait, that's kinda personal.
Michael: Well, she never really told me about that much. Everytime I ask about back then she said 'I did my homework and rest at my folk.' And you should do the dame.
[Ben pulls out a pompon.]
Ben: I didn't know she was a cheerleader.
Michael: Well, maybe those were Vic's. Oh, her yearbook. Check out the girls hairdos! Really boring.
Ben: Really straight. Where is your mom?
Michael: Grassi, grassi, grassi. There she is.
[Deborah Jane Grassi
AMB: Celebrate New Year's in every time zone!
P.D.: Celebrate every New Year's right here in the Pitt.
P.P.: Dishonest People.
P.S.: "S***, all my sayings have swears in them."
ACT: Yearbook, S.C. rep., Spirit Club, Parties, Parties, Parties]
Michael: Just as I said, mom was a real looker.
Ben: What about he look like?
Michael: Comes after a space.
Ben: Oh, scare me.
Michael: Danny Devore
AMB: Broadway Superstar
P.D.: NYC Cab Driver
P.P.: Stage Fright
P.S.: "Begone!"
ACT: Variety Show, Choir, Concert Band, Prom Committee, Spirit Club
Ben: Oh, he's kinda cute.
Michael: If you have a thing for dweebs.
[Strip club. Gary the creepy strip-club owner is doing "paperwork". Justin coughs some attention and.]
Justin: They said I can talk to you about the job.
Gary: Doin' what?
Justin: Dancing.
Gary: Ever dance professionally?
Justin: No, but I dance here all the time.
Gary: Like a thousand other queers. What makes you special?
Justin: I was King of Babylon.
Gary: Who wasn't? Sorry, I'm too busy. No one position's are open.
Justin: I'm sure if you saw me...
Gary: Hey, I'll busy.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Cut to naked Justin feet walking back along the bar. He stops over Gary.]
Justin: One dance, that's all. If I suck, you can kick my ass out.
Gary: You doesn't have much of a body. No packs, no abs, no biceps.
Justin: I have a great ass and I'm blond. You have no idea how far that gets me.
Gary: One dance. Make it good.
[He does]
[Cut to Justin dancing over Brian's head. Same outfit. Brian's apartment. Brian stops the music and.]
Brian: Try not to step into my Chinese food.
Justin: He said I'd be pulling $200 to $300 a night.
Brian: That'd better be all your pulling young men. And remember you still have your schoolwork to do.
Justin: And what if I don't?
Brian: Mmmh, you'd have to be spank.
Justin: [laughs] Yeah, just try.
Brian: You like it?
Justin: Uh, I just kidding.
[Brian pulls Justin over his knees, pulls down his underwear, and spanks him. Justin's enjoying it until Mel and Lindz just walk right into the apartment.]
Mel: Oh.
Brian: Oh, Note to self - make sure to lock the f*cking door.
Lindsay: [to Mel] I don't care. I'm gonna asking anybody.
Brian: [to Linds] Wanna chicken?
Mel: [to Linds] Don't waste you time. Everytime we ask him to do something he turns us down.
Brian: Ask me what?
Lindsay: I want you to be my husband.
Brian: You already have one.
Mel: It's for Gus. He got rejected by the Center for Early Development.
Lindsay: And we think it's because he had two mommies.
Brian: So now you wanna pass him to a product of a happy hetero homelife? f*ck that sh1t.
Mel: I told you, he is a total heterophobe.
Justin: That's true he is.
Brian: It's true. I am.
Lindsay: Brian, you know I would you never ask to compromise your values.
Mel: Except that they are.
Lindsay: You're always said it's not lying if they make you lying. You wants Gus to have the same advantages as kids you have a mommie and a daddie, don't you? You want him to go to the best schools and receive the best education? Then you got us help to make sure. They despite what other people may think of us - he's not the one who suffers. So we have to found another school. We have an appointment tomorrow.
[Michael's grilling Vic as Vic pretends to read a magazine.]
Michael: How long they go out?
Vic: I... I can't remember.
Michael: Was it serious?
Vic: How do I know?
Michael: Did she love him?
Vic: She didn't say!
Michael: Didn't say... It's nothing that mom doesn't say!
Vic: Look, Michael, it was a long time ago. Why don't you ask her?
Debbie: [comes home] Ask me what?
Michael: About Denny Devore.
Debbie: Christ, I haven't heard his name mention for thirty years and now all of a sudden it's all he's here.
Michael: I saw his picture in your yearbook.
Debbie: Who said you can looking in my yearbook?
Michael: You never said I couldn't! It's the picture of him! It looks a lot like me.
Debbie: Who you talking about? It doesn't look at the least bit of you.
Michael: You don't have your reading glasses on.
Debbie: Fine. Make me feel older than I really do. OK, I still don't see it. Vic? Do you see it?
Vic: Can't say I do.
Michael: C'mon! We have the same eyes, the same nose, the same mouth. Tell me that's not my chin!
Debbie: Not even close! And trust me, I know chins. I have serveral of it.
Michael: Ma, I just want you to tell me...
Debbie: Tell you what?
Michael: Why I look so much alike Danny Devore!
Vic: I get the clothes in the dryers.
Debbie: Stay right there! What are you getting at?
Michael: He said that you were out summer after graduation. That was 1969. I was born March 1970.
Debbie: Ha! I don't believe what I'm hearing! Are you asking me if some old drag queen that I once knew in high school is your father? You know who your father is! This is your father!
[Debbie holds up a picture of John Michael Navotny]
Debbie: John Michael Novotny. Lieutenant in the US army.
Michael and Debbie: Died in Vietnam, 1970, two weeks after I was born.
Michael: I know. You told me a million times. But this guy in the picture who doesn't even look like me is my dad. But that've all you told me!
Debbie: What else do you wanna know?
Michael: Who are my grand-parents?
Debbie: They're dead.
Michael: Aunts and uncles?
Debbie: They weren't any.
Michael: So he's just a war hero?
Debbie: 'Just'!? They awarded him the purple heart! He was on a rescue mission, carving his way through the jungle when a landmine exploded.
Michael: You've said it was a Jeep accident.
Debbie: He was carving his way in a Jeep when it ran over a landmine.
Michael: You can't even keep the goddam story straight!
Debbie: Stop confusing me...!
Vic: Look, it was a long time ago. It doesn't matter now.
Michael: I just wanna know the truth.
Debbie: Are you calling me a liar? Your own mother? I told you who you father was. And I expect you to believe me.
[She wanders out of the room, tottering back and forth.]
[Better kids at this school. Lindsay and Brian goes inside.]
Lindsay: Promised me to behave.
Brian: I don't mention dick if you don't mention pussy.
Lindsay: You know what I mean. I don't you getting into your moods.
Brian: Yeah, yeah. I want a homo-hetero kid just as you do.
Lindsay: That's it. Don't be nervous.
Brian: If my heart gettin' low, I'll be dead.
[Inside the school.]
woman: Hello.
Lindsay: Hi, we are the...
woman: Oh, the Kinneys. Uh, Mr. and Mrs.Kinney.
Lindsay: Right!
Brian: Sometimes she'll forgets, don't you, honey?
Lindsay: [laughs] I don't forget. He's such a kitter.
woman: Oh, please. I tell Mrs.Harper you are here.
[she leaves. Brian and Lindsay sits down. Brian plays with toys.]
Lindsay: I told you to behave!
Brian:You could send me to the principal's office, but I'm already there.
Lindsay: It's also strange. I mean I knew I'd have a child like Gus and he goes to a school like this one. And I never imagine it will be like this.
Brian: Well, there's no predicting. Oops, I said dick, didn't I?
Lindsay: Can't you be serious? For even a minute?
[Brian sits down, checks her watch]
Brian: You're on.
Lindsay: There was even a time, when we first met that I thought this could be reality. Did you ever felt that way?
Brian: No. You wanted me to be serious. That doesn't mean I don't love you.
[Brian kisses Lindsay just as the principal comes to the door and calls them in.]
Mrs.Harper: Mr.and Mrs.Kinney!
Brian: [looks at the clook] Oh, the minutes up.
Mrs.Harper: Oh, please, don't be emparest. It's always nice to see young parents express their affection. And I think it's important for children to see that to, don't you agree? Come in to my office, please and we'll discuss Gus' future.
[Debbie is standing at Divina's hotel door.]
Debbie: I never in a million years known it was you.
[She stands there. No wig, just scary makeup and tiny dagger nails. Red robe.]
Divina: Thirty years is a long time.
Debbie: Try thirty-one. But who's counting?
Divina: So, come on in. You want a drink?
Debbie: No. No, thanks. God, you have more sh1t than I do.
Divina: These days it takes longer to look fabulous.
Debbie: Tell me about it. Is this real?
Divina: Honey, I wish. So, how're you doin', my Divina?
Debbie: So you called me in highschool.
Divina: Now you have a son. He tells me you work in a diner. Vic was sick and now he's better.
Debbie: Thirty years in a natcho.
Divina: Thirty-one. Michael is a very nice, young men.
Debbie: I'm very proud of him.
Divina: And I would be to. He's polite, caring, good looking. In fact he's reminded me a lot of someone I used to know. Only at first I couldn't figure out who it was. Then when I discovered you were his mother I realized. I was looking at myself. In a mirror. Through time. Why? Didn't you? Ever! Tell me?
Debbie: You already left town. Run off to the big city to be a big star! Who was I supposed to do? Call you up and say 'Hey, guess what? You're a dad. Come back and marry me.'
Divina: So, you decided to have him on your own, raising him on your own. It must have taken a lot of courage.
Debbie: It was the easiest decision I ever made.
Divina: Who you tell him who his father was?
Debbie: A soldier who died in Vietnam. I picked up his name out of the newspaper from the list of dead. I even changed my own name.
Divina: You went through a lot of trouble to make sure he never found out.
Debbie: I wanted him to have a hero.
Divina: And I could never be that.
Debbie: It wasn't so much that you were gay, Danny. I always kind of suspected. In fact, that's probably why I liked you. It's that you lied to me.
Divina: You won't the only one. I lied to myself as well. I wanted to be something I wasn't.
Debbie: Are you sure it's all succeeded? And he sure as hell didn't need to know his dad was a drag queen. And now he's found your goddamn picture in the yearbook. And he's put two and two together. And knowing him he's coming here to talk to you any minute.
Divina: Christ, what I am telling him?
Debbie: Hell if I know!
Divina: I'm sure if you explained he would understand.
Debbie: What? That I've lied to him his entire life? And then he never trust me again. And I wouldn't blame him.
[The Happy Fun House. Lindsay comes home and fills Mel in on the interview with Brian.]
Lindsay: Oh, we were with her two and a half hours. She seemed really impressed.
Mel: That's a good sign, isn't it?
Lindsay: I hope so.
[They sit together in the living room. Mel rubs Lindsay's foot and coos at her]
Lindsay: Christ, I hate that heels!
Mel: Baby, come here.
Lindsay: Oh, that's nice.
Mel: And Brian behaved himself?
Lindsay: More than behaved. He was charming, attentive.
Mel: I hope not to attentive.
Lindsay: He complement the school of was whee... Everything was perfect.
Mel: Besides I would say the wrong face.
Lindsay: Should have been you and me in there.
Mel: Uh, whatever it takes. Besides it was you idea.
Lindsay: I know. It seen the good one at that time but now,... I don't know.
Mel: Hey, don't worry about it.
Lindsay: Sometimes the ends actually justify the means.
[The phone rings. It's the school.]
Mel: Besides the important thing is that Gus has the same chance every other kid. Hello? Who? Oh, yes. Hang on. [she's give the phone to Linds] Mrs.Kinney.
Lindsay: Hello? Mrs.Harpher. Yes, thank you. Mel and I... I mean Brian and I follow the same way. We will so pleased. What? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Mel: What?
Lindsay: I understand. Well, thank you for calling.
[She hangs up.]
Mel: What? What she say?
Lindsay: He didn't get in.
Mel: What?
Lindsay: He didn't get in. Mrs.Harpher called her apologize she thought my husband and I were absolutely charming and they would love to have Gus but...
Mel: So, what's the problem?
Lindsay: They only had one spot open and they gave it to another child ... with same-sex-parents.
Mel: Are you sh1tting me?!
Lindsay: The board decided that the student population had to be more open...
Mel: Well, we're goin' to sue... this is discrimination!
Lindsay: [laughs] We can't sue! Heterosexual discrimiation?!
Mel: You think this is funny?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Lindsay: I think it is hilarious.
Mel: What we gonna do now?
Lindsay: I'm gonna take a bath. And first thing tomorrow we will look for another school. And this time Gus' parents Lindsay and Melanie will go to the new interview.
[Babylon! Justin's dancing in an angel's outfit. The angel at the next go-go booth has tons of cash in his shorts. Justin does not. Emmett, Michael, and Brian are pouting at the bar. Brian's trying to ignore his half-naked boyfriend grinding for tips.]
Emmett: When I was in school, I had a part-time job walking peoples dogs. I didn't know I could have made money wagging his own tail.
Ted: What a turnout. But I have to thank Michael. [He kisses Mikey]
Michael: See ya.
[He starts to pout off]
Ted: Aren't you gonna stay?
Brian: They all to sticking around to see the number one fan.
Michael: Just leave me alone. How can somebody put on an act all those years...?
Brian: It has to do with homocritical lifestyle...
Michael: I mean my mother.
Brian: You don't know for sure.
Michael: That my mom lied to me? And my father is not a boring old Judy Garland.
Brian: Would you have preferred Bette Davis?
Michael: Maybe I should just forget it.
[announcer speaking.]
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, ladies who are gentlemen, gentlemen who are ladies and the Angel Ball presents our favorite angel, Pittsburghs own Miss Divina Devore."
[Divina sings "Heaven, I'm in heaven" and were uplifted by a hydrolic lifter. Brian smiles and laughs. Divina keeps singing. Michael looks at Brian in slow motion and shoves him off-camera. Everyone cheers as Michael just stands there looking at the ground. He smiles back upwards again. We can still hear Divina singing as we're backstage watching Divina take off her clothes.]
Divina: Michael.
Michael: May I come in?
Divina: Well, I don't undress before a man I barely know but in your case I'm make an expection. How'd go? Did "Angels of Pittsburgh" make buckets of bucks? It's the last benefit I ever do.
Michael: Somewhere I doubt it.
Divina: Well, you take care of yourself, Michael. It's nice to meet you.
Michael: Actually I have another favore.
Divina: Oh, for heaven sake haven't we done enough for humantiy?
Michael: It's not charity. I hope you can help me when you look at this. It's your old high-school yearbook. And this is you.
Divina: I haven't seen that in thirty... make it eighteen years.
Michael: Ever seen resemblance?
Divina: It's unmistakable I look exactly like Tom Cruise.
Michael: I meant to me.
Divina: You? [he laughs] I appreciate the flattery but frankly no. I don't see it.
Michael: How can you miss it? The way you looked back then and the way I look now. I mean we are identically twins.
Divina: I suppose when you squint a slight resemblance but so what? Here, help me with this zipper. I ask for a dresser but there are two goddamn...
Michael: Are you my father?
Divina: This is a fine time to ask. You help me out of my Gaul?
Michael: You seen my mother than. The timing was exactly right...
Divina: Not to rupt. First I had to be got out here.
Michael: I mean, you and she, you'll never...?
Divina: Look at me? Do I look like the kind of guy who goes around to beg babes? You're mother was hardly my type.
Michael: But you said she was beautiful and back you used to bat for the other team.
Divina: Drag queens are notorious liars. Everyone knows that. So, what does your mother say?
Michael: She says my father was this old war hero.
Divina: So, why you don't believe that?
Michael: Because the story keeps changing and there's only one picture. And the guy doesn't even look like me. Look, I don't make any demands, and I not even asking to stay in touch: I just wanna know the truth.
[Divina walks back into the room dressed as a man.]
Danny: Michael, may I tell you the one truth I learn it all my years? The truth is what you choose to believe. When I'm onstage, people believe I'm Divina Devore not because I'm a great female impersonator, but because they want to.
Michael: What is this have to do whether you my father or my mother lied to me?
Danny: Your mother gave you something to believe in: a hero. A father you could be proud of. Because she loves you. That's the truth. Whether you choose to believe it or not is up to you.
[Empty strip club.]
Gary: Still here?
Justin: So, how do I do?
Gary: Not bad - for your first time.
Justin: But the tips sucks.
Gary: What do you expecting?
Justin: More than I got in the diner.
Gary: Then you need to dance on the bar.
Justin: How do I do that?
Gary: Look, you had to work your way up. Maybe in six months.
Justin: Six months? I need money now to pay for school.
Gary: Well, there is a problem. I tell you what. You give me some time, I'll give you some time.
Justin: No, thanks.
Gary: It's up to you. Oh, and if you change your mind and you decide you wanna make... say couple of thou a months, let me know.
[Justin goes to Gary and squeeze his crotch. Gary take it immediately in his mouth. Justin almost cries but doesn't stop Gary.]
[Justin goes home beaming. Brian works on his computer.]
Justin: You're still up?
Brian: Yeah, I'm doin' my homework. So, what's like?
Justin: I had to talk to the boss.
Brian: Uh-huh.
Justin: He said I could start tomorrow dance on the bar.
Brian: After only one night?
Justin: Told you I could take care of myself.
[Brian keeps working on the computer. Justin walks over and kisses Brian on the mouth. Brian looks suspicious.]
Brian: Yeah, I guess you can.
[Debbies home. Debbie's putting the fake dad away. Michael walks in.]
Michael: Ma, what are you doin' up so late?
Debbie: I couldn't sleep. What about you?
Michael: Same. I came to return the yearbook.
Debbie: You can have it.
Michael: What are you doin'?
Debbie: Puttin' things away. Make some room. Some things I had to do long time ago.
Michael: It's "Dad's shrine." You can't just read of it.
Debbie: No need for it now.
Michael: What are you talking about?
Debbie: No need to pretend, Michael. The truth is...
Michael: ...just like you said. My father is Lieutenant John Michael Novotny. Died in Vietnam, April 10, 1970. He was killed just two weeks after I was born when the Jeep he was driving ran over a landmine that was carving a path through the jungle on a mission to save his troops. Right, Ma?
Debbie: Right. [she says through tears.]
Michael: For which he was posthumously awarded the Purple Heart.
Debbie: And his last words were, 'Tell my son I love him more than life itself.'
Michael: 'And I'll always be proud of him.'
[Debbie and Michael embrace as the camera lifts.] | |
doc_320 | EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR SPEEDS ALONG THE ROAD AND INTO THE WATER)
(SFX: HUGE SPLASH)
[SCENE_BREAK]
UNDERWATER - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR SINKS TO THE LAKE FLOOR)
(FADE OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
TONY: No, for the twenty third time.
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
KATE: Are you going to answer that?
TONY: I'm in hell, Kate.
KATE: Well, do they have money there? Because you owe me... forty three dollars and eighty six cents for lunch this week.
TONY: I will gladly pay you today if you'll answer this call for me.
KATE: Yeah? Who is it?
TONY: Crazy ex-girlfriend. Haven't seen her since college.
KATE: Stalker?
TONY: More like a stalk-him.
KATE: What do you want me to say to her?
TONY: I don't know. Tell her you're my wife or something. She's been calling nonstop for two days. So I'm begging you here, Kate. Please.
KATE: You pay me back today.
TONY: Sure.
KATE: (INTO PHONE) Hello? Me? Oh, I am Tony's wife. Uh, yes. We got married a few years ago. (WHISPERS TO TONY) We have kids? (INTO PHONE) Two. Yes. And we're very, very happy. So please don't call back again. (TO TONY) I feel like I need a shower.
(HANGS UP PHONE)
TONY: Pay the lady, Probie.
MCGEE: He bet me forty dollars he could get you to say you're his wife today.
KATE: Tony, I'm going to kill you.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, pull the case file on Lieutenant Brian McAllister.
TONY: McAllister? We going after more treasure hunters, boss?
MCGEE: Treasure hunters?
TONY: Before your time, Probie. McAllister disappeared two years ago. His family offered a million dollar reward to anyone who could find him.
KATE: I had a few friends in the Secret Service who used to work that case on the weekends.
TONY: It was the Holy Grail for every amateur detective on the East coast, Kate.
MCGEE: So what happened?
TONY: Nothing - cold case.
GIBBS: Not anymore.
CINDY AMES: (ON TV) Thousands have searched for the heir to the McAllister Industries' fortune. Each hoping to collect the one million dollar reward offered by his famous family. Today, private investigator Monroe Cooper believes he's one step closer to solving the mystery. Mister Cooper, is it true that you have finally found Brian McAllister?
(SFX: TV CLICKS OFF)
MCGEE: Whoa. Whoa. Boss, that was... that was Monroe Cooper! The man who can solve the unsolvable. He's a... a famous detective.
GIBBS: Do I look like I care, McGee?
MCGEE: No.
GIBBS: Grab your gear. We're going to Black Lake.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. VAN - MOVING
KATE: Lieutenant Brian McAllister, graduated Annapolis in ninety-seven, third in his class. He vanished somewhere between October fourth and the seventh, two thousand and two. No leads.
TONY: Thing I don't get is why a guy worth millions would join the military in the first place.
GIBBS: You think money has anything to do with patriotism, DiNozzo?
TONY: No, I'm just saying if I were rich, you know, I would do nothing.
KATE: I thought your parents were loaded.
TONY: They are.
KATE: So why do you work for the government then?
GIBBS: Because they know what their son would do with the money.
TONY: I can't even get an advance on the will, Kate.
GIBBS: Hey, McGee!
MCGEE: Yeah, boss?
GIBBS: What about that private dick, Cooper?
MCGEE: Yeah. Uh... he's a former NYPD detective, works mostly for insurance companies and celebrities now. He makes a lot of money solving cases like this. Guy's a... he's kind of a cross between Columbo and Sherlock Holmes.
(SFX: VAN HITS A POTHOLE)
KATE: You know, we really should get a seat belt back there. Hey! What the hell are you doing?
TONY: I'm looking for my fork.
KATE: Well I can guarantee you...it is not there!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. BLACK LAKE - DAY
GIBBS: Tony, grab the gear. See if McGee's still alive.
TONY: On it, Boss.
GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs, Todd, NCIS.
LESTER: We've been waiting for you to show up. Sheriff Deke Lester. That detective fella, Cooper, he thinks that missing McAllister kid's in there somewhere.
GIBBS: Yeah. Is he?
LESTER: I can't say, but my divers found a Chrysler convertible sitting on the bottom.
KATE: Lieutenant McAllister owned a Chrysler convertible. Disappeared with him, Gibbs.
LESTER: I'm fixing to pull it out. Once we ID the vehicle we can decide on who's got jurisdiction.
GIBBS: Works for me, Sheriff. Where is Cooper?
LESTER: I don't rightly know. I imagine he's off detecting or something.
RADIO: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey Deke, we've got the chains set here.
LESTER: Let's haul her up.
RADIO: (V.O./FILTERED) Yes, Sir.
LESTER: You ready to see what we caught, Agent Gibbs?
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. TRUCK - DAY
TONY: Hurry it up, Probie.
MCGEE: You sure this is necessary? I kind of feel like a dork.
TONY: You are a dork. No no no no. Bad move.
MCGEE: What?
TONY: If Gibbs catches you reading instead of working, you're history.
MCGEE: It's not for reading. I'm hoping I can get Detective Cooper to sign it. The lead character in the book is based on him.
TONY: "Celebrity P.I.?" Never heard of it. No!
MCGEE: I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it. There's no pictures in it.
TONY: Did you say something, Probie?
MCGEE: Yeah. I'm not a dork.
TONY: Whatever you say, Sponge Bob.
(SFX: HOIST)
LESTER: Take it slow now, Charlie!
TONY: I think it's safe to say that car's not going to run again.
LESTER: All right, hold it right there.
GIBBS: All right, Kate.
KATE: The Lieutenant's tags, Gibbs.
LESTER: Congratulations, looks like you found your missing sailor.
GIBBS: Not yet.
COOPER: I think you'll find that pile of bones is McAllister, Special Agent...
GIBBS: Gibbs. And I'll wait for my M.E. to determine that.
COOPER: Oh of course. Monroe Cooper.
GIBBS: (READS) The man who solves the unsolvable.
COOPER: So you've heard of me?
GIBBS: No. It's on your card.
COOPER: My publicist's idea. Works great with the yokels.
GIBBS: How'd you track this vehicle to Black Lake?
COOPER: Leg work. Luck. My gut.
GIBBS: Does it say that on your card, too?
COOPER: I have a policy, Agent Gibbs. You share information with me, and I share it with you. We have a deal?
GIBBS: That kind of goes against my policy, Cooper.
COOPER: Which is?
GIBBS: Throw people in jail who obstruct my investigations.
COOPER: Uh-huh. I'll try to keep that in mind.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. NCIS AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT
DUCKY: Well the dental records are conclusive, Jethro. This is our missing Lieutenant.
GIBBS: Any idea how he died?
DUCKY: After two years in the water? Difficult to say. Do you suspect foul play?
GIBBS: Oh, you know me, Duck. I suspect everything.
DUCKY: Yes, an admirable trait in an investigator. And also the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.
GIBBS: Oh yeah? All these years I thought it was because I was a b*st*rd.
DUCKY: Well, of course, that didn't help. There is evidence of hairline fracture on the frontal lobe of the skull.
GIBBS: Cause?
DUCKY: Well, it's consistent with most vehicle accidents, possibly from contact with the steering column.
GIBBS: What about drugs?
DUCKY: Well, in this state, a toxicological screen would be useless. However, drugs are a possibility.
GIBBS: Too many of those, Duck. Too many.
DUCKY: Well, my current opinion is that Lieutenant McAllister met with a tragic accident. Most likely he drowned.
GIBBS: Keep looking.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED)
DUCKY: Your last boy, Yurich.
JIMMY: Did you meet any of his wives?
DUCKY: I introduced him to the last one.
JIMMY: Really? What went wrong?
DUCKY: It's difficult to say, Mister Palmer. She doesn't talk to me anymore.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY
TONY: (LAUGHS LIGHTLY) You know what movie this reminds me of, Kate?
KATE: The Wizard of Oz?
ABBY: I'll get you, my pretty!
TONY: No. I meant the one they make you watch in high school. Thirty minutes of cops pulling dead teenagers out of car wrecks.
ABBY: Oh, my god! I love those! Blood on the Highway. Drink, Drive, Die! I keep hoping they're going to release them on DVD.
TONY: Yeah, me too.
ABBY: Yeah.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
GIBBS: What do we have?
TONY: Ah hey boss. I found a suitcase in back. Looks like he packed enough for about a weekend. Dive team will be back with the stuff from the debris field in a few hours.
GIBBS: Abs?
ABBY: The brake lines are corroded, but they're intact. Something's stuck. Whoa. Hey, Kate. I've got a present for you. I think it's one of your ex-boyfriends.
TONY: It's a cold fish! Get it, Kate?
MCGEE: I don't think this was an accident. It's a bullet.
GIBBS: McAllister was murdered.
(FADE OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. LAB - DAY
(SFX: MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY B.G.)
(MUSIC CLICKS OFF)
GIBBS: Your speakers are broken.
ABBY: Oh, Gibbs. That was the best part of the song.
GIBBS: Correction. Your ears are broken. What did the divers find?
ABBY: Actually, it's more like what didn't they find. My theory is they're getting paid by the piece. They recovered everything within a twenty meter radius of the vehicle. Sunglasses, golfballs, Rick James eight-track, typewriter. I didn't see any point in bringing the Maytag up from the evidence lockup.
GIBBS: Anything to do with the case?
ABBY: As a matter of fact, found directly beneath the vehicle... can you hear me now? I might be able to recover some data from the memory chip.
GIBBS: What about the bullet we brought up from the wreck last night?
ABBY: Forty five caliber, two hundred and thirty grain hardball. Lots and lots of stopping power. The grooving matches a Colt forty-five, old-school military version.
GIBBS: Did you work up a trajectory, yet?
ABBY: Of course. The bullet's entry angle into the side of the door is obvious as Anna Nicole's implants.
GIBBS: Who?
ABBY: You know, married that old guy? Had a TV show? Got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, fat, thin--
GIBBS: Stop!
ABBY: So using that angle, I back-traced the trajectory. The bullet traveled on this path. So unless he was driving with his feet from the backseat, which is something that I have tried but do not recommend...
GIBBS: Abby?
ABBY: The round had to have gone through McAllister's body.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
DUCKY: It's entirely possible, Jethro, but if Abby's animation is correct, the bullet passed clean through the thoracic cavity. Unfortunately, without leaving any evidence of its passing.
GIBBS: Hell of a shot.
DUCKY: Yeah.
GIBBS: The vehicle had to be going over seventy to end up where we found it in the lake.
DUCKY: Well, at that speed a bullet passing through the ribcage without so much as glancing a single bone... huh! A hell of a shot, indeed.
GIBBS: More like impossible. Thank you, Duck.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
JIMMY: Doctor?
DUCKY: He means the vehicle was stationary when Lieutenant McAllister was shot, Mister Palmer.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
KATE: (V.O.) Lieutenant McAllister was last seen in Norfolk on a Friday. Then found three hundred miles away in Black Lake, Virginia. (ON CAMERA) Which would make sense if he was heading here to the McAllister Family compound in Shenandoah.
MCGEE: So he was heading home for the weekend?
KATE: Another twenty miles and he would have made it, McGee.
GIBBS: DiNozzo?
TONY:
TONY: McAllister's military records are spotless, Boss. Been running background on his family. Mother died in ninety three. Father passed away in two thousand two... three months after the Lieutenant disappeared. The only surviving next of kin is this guy. Thomas McAllister, his younger brother. (CONT.) Washed out of Annapolis freshman year. Arrested a bunch of times for suspected DWI and marijuana possession. Never convicted.
KATE: Figures, the rich never are.
TONY: Even richer now, Kate. He inherited everything. He's currently the CEO of his own airline.
MCGEE: The Good Son and the Bad Seed.
KATE: Very Biblical.
TONY: The Navy notified him last night about his brother. CACO said he took it pretty well.
NCIS WORKER: Lunch!
KATE: Oh, thank you. I took the liberty of ordering lunch today. Something healthy for once. There you are. They're tofu veggie wraps. They're good, Tony. Abby and I eat them all the time.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, track down the bad seed. I want to know what he was doing around the time his brother disappeared.
TONY: Yeah, I already set up an interview for later this afternoon, Boss.
GIBBS: Take Kate. McGee, contact Cooper. I want to know how he found that vehicle.
MCGEE: So we're going to cooperate with him?
GIBBS: No, McGee, he's going to cooperate with me.
KATE: I'll be right back. I'm just going to run this down to Abby. Enjoy.
(SFX: ALL THROW VEGGIE WRAPS IN TRASH CAN)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. HANGAR - DAY
(SFX: CAR DOORS CLOSE)
KATE: Beyond first class? You gotta be kidding me. You might as well call it Rich Jackass Airways.
TONY: I think it sounds cool.
KATE: You would.
TONY: What's that supposed to mean?
KATE: Nothing, Rockefeller.
TONY: Oh, I get it. So because I grew up with money that somehow makes me bad. Very deep.
KATE: Well, it's better than having to work everyday like I had to.
TONY: Listen, do you think money makes life easier? Huh? Everything was just a big ol' cakewalk for little Anthony DiNozzo? You tell me, Kate, because I really want to know.
KATE: I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't mean anything by it.
TONY: Because do you want to know the answer to your question? Yes. Money makes a huge difference. Huge. I miss it every single day of my life so much it makes me want to cry.
KATE: You're pathetic.
TONY: It's part of my charm.
KATE: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HANGAR - DAY
TONY: All right, let's find this little twinkle toes .... Hey, there. We're looking for your boss, Thomas McAllister. Is he around?
THOMAS: You'll have to hold on a second. Could you pass me that socket wrench, please, Miss?
KATE: Is he even here or shall we stop by a country club or something?
THOMAS: I'm Tom McAllister.
TONY: Agents Todd, DiNozzo. NCIS.
KATE: Do you always work on your own planes, Mister McAllister?
THOMAS: Whenever I can find time in my busy social schedule down at the club, Agent Todd.
KATE: I'm sorry about that. I didn't...
THOMAS: It's fine. You would have been right a couple years ago. And please, call me Tom.
KATE: Kate. So, do you own all these planes?
THOMAS: Me and the bank. That's my new one out there. I plan on taking it for a test flight today if you're interested.
TONY: You don't seem too broken up for a guy who just lost his brother, Tom.
THOMAS: I've known he's been dead for quite some time, Agent DiNozzo. The first week you expect a ransom note. After a month you pray. A year... you just know.
KATE: When was the last time you talked to your brother?
THOMAS: About three months before the accident. Would you believe we grew up fishing at Black Lake?
TONY: The thing is it wasn't an accident.
THOMAS: The Navy, they said...
TONY: Your brother was murdered.
THOMAS: Are you absolutely positive about that?
KATE: He was shot on the weekend of October fourth, two thousand two. I'm sorry.
TONY: Considering his body was found dumped twenty miles from your house, we'd like to know where you were the weekend he disappeared?
THOMAS: Me? I was at home.
TONY: Anyone who can verify that?
THOMAS: I was with my father.
TONY: Let me rephrase. Is there anyone who can verify that is still alive?
THOMAS: No. Are you saying you think I did it?
KATE: We're just following up on any leads we can, Tom.
THOMAS: Of course. Whatever I can do to help.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: I can't tell you what an honor this is, Sir. Thank you.
COOPER: Don't believe everything you read in the book, kid. It's called fiction for a reason.
MCGEE: I actually write a little myself. Is there any truth to the rumor that S.E. Eckhart is in fact you?
COOPER: If I was a bestselling author, would I be crawling through the swamps of Virginia searching for reward money?
MCGEE: No, I guess not.
COOPER: Damn straight. Now tell me about your boss. Is he always such a hardass?
MCGEE: Agent Gibbs? He's a lot like you, actually. In fact, the main character in my book is based on him.
COOPER: Oh, yeah. I hope you got a better deal than I got.
MCGEE: He doesn't know it... yet.
GIBBS: Don't know what, McGee?
COOPER: What a great guy I am, Gibbs.
GIBBS: You ready to tell me how you found McAllister?
COOPER: You ready to tell me what you pulled out of his car and his corpse?
GIBBS: Depends.
COOPER: On what?
GIBBS: How bad you want that million dollar reward.
COOPER: Oh, considering how I don't collect 'til you put the murderer behind bards, oh, you got me by the short hairs here, Gibbs. Yeah. I figured the Lieutenant headed home that weekend. But the back road that he liked to drive... I think it was washed out. Here, take a look at these weather patterns. I spent nine weeks getting these from the National Weather Service. Every Doppler readout, every satellite image I could find. Pocket of storms, real tight, near the road.
MCGEE: Enough to swell that creek alongside?
COOPER: Yeah, but only on that side of the mountain, kid. My educated guess? I think McAllister doubled back, took this road to the other side where the storm hadn't reached yet. See, the locals only use that road when there are bad storms.
MCGEE: It's right along Black Lake, Boss.
COOPER: I figured if somebody wanted to kill him, they had to know the roads and the weather the way McAllister did. And they'd have to know he was coming. Am I right?
(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
TONY: I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself.
KATE: What?
TONY: Kate Todd acting like a high school girl with a crush.
KATE: He's not a murderer, Tony.
TONY: I'm sorry, were you using the new NCIS magical murderer detector back there?
KATE: My gut.
TONY: Ah. If you were a guy, I would say you were using--
KATE: Don't even say it if you want to live!
GIBBS: What did Thomas McAllister have to say?
KATE: He hadn't heard from his brother in three months.
TONY: Definitely hiding something, boss.
KATE: My best guess, it was grief. There's no way he's involved, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Abs, what do you have?
KATE: The last three calls that came in on the phone from the lake were all made on Friday, October fourth.
GIBBS: Yeah?
KATE: And they were all from his brother, Thomas McAllister. Sorry, Kate.
(MUSIC OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY
(SFX: TRUNK CLOSES)
COOPER: This McAllister family's got more skeletons than a North Korean prison camp, Gibbs. That's everything I turned up. Six months of leg work. Is it okay to smoke in here, sweetheart?
KATE: It's Agent Todd, and no, Detective Cooper. It's a federal office building.
COOPER: It's a wonder you guys catch anybody working under these conditions.
KATE: We manage.
GIBBS: This supposed to be in some sort of order?
COOPER: The order is up here, Gibbs. And I'll be glad to lay it out for you once you tell me what you found in that wreck.
GIBBS: Lieutenant McAllister was shot.
COOPER: How many times?
KATE: At least once.
COOPER: You get the round?
GIBBS: It was recovered from the passenger-side door.
COOPER: Uh-huh. Pistol, huh? Rifle would go clear through.
GIBBS: Forty five.
COOPER: Ah. Car must have been stopped. He was approached, but not alarmed. Know his attacker? One shot, point blank. Blam. Poor sap never saw it coming. You know how, Gibbs. Want to know why?
(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
TONY: Ow! Angle your end down, Probie.
MCGEE: I told you we should have taken the legs off.
TONY: Ow! Ow! I said down! What does Cooper need this thing for anyway?
MCGEE: He's old school. It's part of his process. He has solved every case he's taken on, Tony. How many detectives do you know with a hundred percent batting average?
TONY: You mean besides Gibbs?(SFX: TONY AND MCGEE STRUGGLE TO MOVE THE TABLE)
TONY: Finally.
GIBBS: Change of plans. We're doing this upstairs.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
MCGEE: Maybe we should take the stairs.
TONY: Maybe you should take the legs off like I told you to. I'm going to take the stairs.
MCGEE: I'm the one who said that--
TONY: Ah! Ah!
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
COOPER: Elaine McAllister, the mother. Into the occult in a big way. Psychic, séances, all that weird sh-stuff. She dies in ninety three, the family falls apart.
GIBBS: How?
COOPER: The old man. He took it pretty hard. He decided he was going to contact the dead wife. Starts neglecting the family business.
GIBBS: What do you mean by make contact?
COOPER: He consults this space cadet, Saleena Lockhart. Claimed to be a psychic.
KATE: I've heard of her. She used to have that tabloid astrology column.
TONY: I don't buy it.
KATE: Astrology?
TONY: No, you reading tabloids.
COOPER: She weasels her way into the old man's life. Next thing you know she's practically running it. McAllister Avionics starts to slide until it's almost bankrupt by two thousand.
GIBBS: How much money did he leave her?
COOPER: You're quick, Gibbs. Almost ten million. He changed his will two weeks after the Lieutenant went missing. The surviving brother, still fighting it in court.
TONY: She's kind of like Anna Nicole.
COOPER: Who?
GIBBS: That's what I said. McGee, run a background on this whack job. I want to know where she is right now.
MCGEE: On it, boss.
COOPER: I know what you're thinking. She didn't do it, Gibbs. This is a smoking gun. Thomas McAllister had a plan to save the family's fortune. He wanted to get out of avionics and into his own airline. And it's a good plan, but it involved leveraging every remaining asset the McAllister's had. The brother didn't agree.
GIBBS: The Lieutenant was cashing out of the company?
COOPER: And going his own way. This is the contract divesting him of all family business.
GIBBS: How'd you get this?
COOPER: You don't want to know. What you want to do is look at the date.
GIBBS: October fifth, two thousand two.
COOPER: The weekend he vanished. Luckily for the little brother, he didn't sign the contract.
GIBBS: I don't believe in luck.
COOPER: Neither do I. So when are you bringing McAllister in?
GIBBS: I'm not.
COOPER: What?! But it's all there! Motive, opportunity, the calls on the Lieutenant's cell phone.
GIBBS: When you were a cop, did you let civilians lay out your cases? Or did you work them yourself?
COOPER: NCIS has had this case for two years. How long am I supposed to wait?
GIBBS: 'Till I'm done! You are looking for the reward. I am looking for a killer.
COOPER: Thomas McAllister is your man, trust me!
GIBBS: I don't trust anyone either. Kate, how is your rapport with McAllister?
TONY: She's got more than a rapport, boss.
GIBBS: Well, good. Call him. You're having dinner with him tonight.
KATE: What if he says no?
TONY: The way he was looking at you? I think you're going to be the one saying no.
GIBBS: McGee, you find my psychic yet?
MCGEE: I have her business address. It's a TV talk show set in D.C. She's there now.
GIBBS: DiNozzo, you're with me. Hey Cooper! I trust you can find your way out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY
TONY: You believe in any of this psychic stuff?
GIBBS: No, you?
TONY: Ah, used one on a case in Baltimore once. Lead us right to this kidnapped five year old girl.
GIBBS: Is that a fact?
TONY: Yeah. How do you explain it?
GIBBS: Simple. She was probably in on it.
ASSISTANT: (V.O.) Rolling!
GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs and DiNozzo, NCIS. We're looking to find Saleena Lockhart.
ASSISTANT: Yeah, she's inside, but you can't go in. Hey! Hey, wait! They're still shooting! Damn!
(GIBBS AND TONY ENTER THE STAGE)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. STAGE - DAY
SALEENA: And your grandfather wants you to know that he will always be with you, Sally. Always.
(SFX: SALLY CRIES)
(SFX: APPLAUSE)
SALLY PARKER: Thank you so much, Saleena.
SALEENA: And remember, look and you shall see, listen and you will hear. Our departed loved ones still have much to teach us.
(SFX: APPLAUSE)
TONY: Huh. You think this is how they do it on the Oprah Show?
GIBBS: Never believe what you see on TV.
SALEENA: Until next time, I'm Saleena Lockhart.
STAGE MANAGER: And cut!
(SFX: BELL)
SALEENA: Look and you shall see... spelled S-E-A? What kind of third grader is writing these cue cards!?
STAGE MANAGER: Just give us ten minutes and we'll shoot it again.
SALEENA: I am financing this pilot with my own money. I can't afford another of your ten minutes!
SALLY PARKER: If anybody needs me, I'll be in craft service.
SALEENA: Make sure you save some for the rest of the crew. What?!
ASSISTANT: There are two guys here to see you. I tried to stop them. Sorry.
GIBBS: Special Agents...
SALEENA: Gibbs and DiNozzo from NCIS. How may I help you?
GIBBS: You're the psychic. You tell me.
SALEENA: Brian McAllister. You found his remains in Black Lake.
TONY: Wow, she's good, Boss.
GIBBS: It's on the news, DiNozzo.
SALEENA: I told Brian's father that I felt Brian was in a cold, dark place.
GIBBS: You can say that. He was murdered.
SALEENA: Yes. Yes, he told me.
TONY: Who?
SALEENA: Brian. We connected through a passage on the other side.
GIBBS: Passage? That's what you call it?
SALEENA: You look skeptical. Oh, that's okay. You don't have to believe.
TONY: So did he tell you who did it?
SALEENA: It doesn't work that way, Agent DiNozzo. Can I get a green tea, please?
GIBBS: How does it work?
SALEENA: Well, I get impressions, feelings. I don't get specific details.
GIBBS: Do you have any feeling about his father including you in his will?
SALEENA: I didn't ask him.
GIBBS: I'm not a psychic, but considering he was a fighter pilot, I'd say he'd be pretty pissed off about it.
SALEENA: Your point, Agent Gibbs?
GIBBS: Where were you the weekend Lieutenant McAllister was murdered?
SALEENA: Luray. Luray Caverns. I was hosting a spiritual retreat.
TONY: Luray? Hey boss, isn't that about fifteen miles from Black Lake?
GIBBS: Can you tell me what I'm thinking now, Miss Lockhart?
SALEENA: I don't have to be a psychic to tell that. Could we discuss this outside please? Your energy is disrupting my set. Thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY
SALEENA: Look, I had nothing to do with Brian's disappearance. You should talk to his brother.
GIBBS: Yeah? Why is that?
SALEENA: Thomas was the black sheep, and he hated Brian. I may be many things, Agent Gibbs, but I am not a murderer.
GIBBS: But you talk to dead people.
SALEENA: I have over a dozen people who can verify my whereabouts on that weekend. One of them is a senator.
TONY: We'll need their names.
SALEENA: My lawyer will get them to you. Now, is there something else I can do for you?
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS KNOCKS SALEENA TO THE GROUND)
(SFX: GUNSHOTS)
GIBBS: You didn't see that one coming, did you?
TONY: Sonovabitch!
GIBBS: Did you get a license number?
TONY: Yeah, I got one.
GIBBS: That's a good job, Tony.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS LAB - DAY
ABBY: It's definitely from a forty-five round, guys. Just give me a sec to line up the rifling patterns.
GIBBS: You run the plates?
ABBY: Came back stolen.
TONY: Figures.
ABBY: The markings are a match. It's from the same pistol that killed Lieutenant McAllister two years ago.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. NCIS HEADQUARTERS - DAY
TONY: Why don't we just drag McAllister in for questioning, Boss?
GIBBS: Because his lawyers make more in one hour than you make all week.
TONY: That's an excellent point. So you're saying I deserve a raise? Or not.
GIBBS: We need more than circumstantial evidence to take McAllister down.
TONY: I agree. But what do we get out of Kate going on a date with him?
GIBBS: I get to search his house for that Colt forty-five without him knowing.
TONY: And if it turns out he's our murderer?
GIBBS: That's why you're going with her.
KATE: I'm meeting him at the airport in twenty minutes, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Hey, I need you to distract him for at least two hours so we can search his house.
KATE: Shouldn't be a problem. He already invited me to dinner. (LONG BEAT) So, how do I look?
TONY: Eh.
KATE: What do you mean, eh?
TONY: I mean... yeah. You look fine. What's wrong with fine?
KATE: I'm going for hot here, Tony.
TONY: Well, in that case, do you mind?
MCGEE: Boss, I got the search warrant.
GIBBS: Yeah, you're with me. Get your things.
TONY: Yeah, now that...that is hot.
GIBBS: Are you two done playing dress-up?
KATE AND TONY: (IN UNISON) Done.
GIBBS: All right, get moving. I want a comm check in fifteen minutes.
KATE: On it.
GIBBS: Hey Kate, you looked better the other way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. HANGAR - NIGHT
TONY: (V.O.) How do you read me, Kate? (V.O./FILTERED) Say again?
KATE: (V.O.) I said (ON CAMERA) loud and clear.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Slide the mic... (ON CAMERA) closer to your throat, please.
KATE: How's that?
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Crystal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HANGAR - NIGHT
(DOOR CLOSES)
KATE: Hello? Hello?
THOMAS: Kate. Whoa, do I feel underdressed.
KATE: Well - when you said dinner...?
THOMAS: Hey, I'm not complaining. You look fantastic.
KATE: Thank you. So where are we going?
THOMAS: Actually, I thought we might stay here. If you survive my cooking, there's a few things I'd like to tell you about my big brother.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. MCALLISTER HOME - NIGHT
MCGEE: Uh... Boss? Where are we going?
GIBBS: We're going around back, McGee.
(SFX: MCGEE RATTLES THE DOORKNOB)
MCGEE: It's locked, Boss.
GIBBS: Well, yeah, McGee. That's kind of the point of having doors.
MCGEE: The last two times I encountered a situation like this, Tony threw a rock through a window, Kate climbed in a second story window.
GIBBS: Huh. You don't say.
(DOOR OPENS)
GIBBS: Let's go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HANGAR - NIGHT
THOMAS: I wasn't entirely truthful this afternoon, Kate. When you come from the type of family I did, you get used to keeping secrets.
KATE: What kind of secrets?
THOMAS: My parents were always a bit eccentric. When my mom died, my Dad pretty much lost it.
KATE: He started talking to dead people?
THOMAS: You've been checking up on me.
KATE: It's my job, Tom.
THOMAS: At first I thought it was harmless. But the psychic he was seeing, she started manipulating him, really cutting him off from the rest of the family.
KATE: Saleena Lockhart.
THOMAS: Really checking up on me.
KATE: What did your brother think of her?
THOMAS: He didn't. Brian was too busy with his Naval career. He wasn't around to see the damage she was doing.
KATE: Somebody tried to kill her today.
THOMAS: I thought about it myself more than once.
KATE: A lot of people think it was you.
THOMAS: What do you think, Kate?
KATE: Well I'm here, aren't I?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MCALLISTER HOME - NIGHT
(SFX: DOOR OPENS B.G.)
(DOOR OPENS QUICKLY)
GIBBS: NCIS!!
COOPER: Hey, do you mind?
GIBBS: Cooper, what are you doing here?
COOPER: Same thing you are.
GIBBS: I have a warrant.
COOPER: Are you going to arrest me?
GIBBS: It depends.
COOPER: On what?
GIBBS: What you found.
COOPER: I'm hoping a million dollars. I checked all the local counties. Thomas McAllister doesn't own any handguns. But his old man? Bit of a gun nut. Even owns a Colt forty-five.
GIBBS: Recently fired.
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Tony.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah, Boss.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Take him down.
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) I'm on it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. HANGAR - NIGHT
THOMAS: I called Brian the weekend he went missing. I was trying to get him to come home, talk some sense into Dad. He said he'd think about it.
KATE: Why would you lie to us about it?
THOMAS: Because I thought that I was responsible for his death.
KATE: Were you?
THOMAS: When they found his car in Black Lake, I thought he finally decided to listen to me for once. The roads in Hastings are deathtraps in the daytime... at night, when you're tired?
KATE: You thought it was an accident?
THOMAS: Until you told me he was murdered. Only one person stood to gain from his death, Saleena Lockhart.
KATE: Unfortunately, there is one more.
(SFX: THOMAS OPENS THE CONTRACT)
THOMAS: He never would have signed this.
TONY: Thomas McAllister. You're under arrest for the murder of your brother.
THOMAS: So I guess dessert is out of the question.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - DAY
GIBBS: Are you okay?
KATE: I'm fine.
GIBBS: You don't look fine.
ABBY: I hope I'm getting overtime for this, Gibbs, because I'm missing my cousin's birthday.
GIBBS: Were they a match?
ABBY: It's the same weapon that killed the Lieutenant and shot up the makeup trailer today.
GIBBS: Thanks, Abs.
KATE: Figures. I finally meet a nice guy and he turns out to be a murderer.
ABBY: Happens to Tony all the time. Hey, do me a favor, Kate.
KATE: What?
ABBY: My back is killing me. I'm waiting. And don't shortchange me this time.
KATE: You know, your muscles wouldn't be so tight if you stopped drinking all that caffeine crap that Gibbs is always bringing you.
ABBY: (V.O.) Oh, but I love the caffeine crap, Kate!
GIBBS: Abby, I need you out here! Now! How much time did you spend on this door?
ABBY: Um... enough to get the bullet's trajectory. I was going to test for metal fatigue and age in the morning.
GIBBS: Do it tonight.
ABBY: Why? I mean, I'll have it for you in thirty minutes, Sir.
GIBBS: Kate will help.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: Well, it looks like you did it again, Mister Cooper.
COOPER: Oh, I'm getting old, kid. I think I'm going to retire after this one.
TONY: If you ask me, we should get fifty percent of that million.
COOPER: Too bad life ain't fair, DiNozzo. Oh, it's about time. In my day we didn't wait two hours to interrogate someone.
TONY: Let me guess, you just beat it out of them?
COOPER: Yeah, something like that.
THOMAS: (V.O.) I'm sure you hear this a lot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
THOMAS: I'm innocent, Agent Gibbs.
GIBBS: I know.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
COOPER: What the hell kind of interrogation is that?
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
GIBBS: You're free to go, Mister McAllister.
(DOOR OPENS)
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
COOPER: It's not enough I do your job for you, now you want to arrest me for it?
GIBBS: Ah, we do owe you for finding the Lieutenant for us, Cooper. The problem is, it isn't murder.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
COOPER: Give me a break, Gibbs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
COOPER: You saw the evidence.
GIBBS: I did. Brian McAllister died in a car accident. The bullet fired into his car wasn't from two years ago. (V.O.) The metal around the impact was only recently exposed to water. Two weeks (ON CAMERA) sound about right to you?
COOPER: What's this got to do with me?
GIBBS: The reward was offered for finding the Lieutenant's killer. In order to collect, you had to manufacture one.
COOPER: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
GIBBS: It might have worked. We would have found that gun eventually. But you just couldn't wait. What are you going to do with the money, Cooper? Hmm? Gambling debts? Retirement? Taking those shots at Saleena Lockhart. That was overkill. Too bad we caught you putting it back.
COOPER: Yeah? Good luck proving it.
GIBBS: Oh, I will. This is an Instant Shooter I.D. Kit. It'll tell me if you fired a gun recently.
COOPER: Swab away, Gibbs. There's no gun residue on these hands.
GIBBS: Oh, a private dick like you... I'll bet you were wearing gloves. I figure any man who solves the unsolvable needs a trademark. And I'm betting yours is that tacky trench coat. You probably never take it off, huh?
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS PERFORMS THE TEST)
GIBBS: If this comes up blue, I've got you for attempted murder. Good luck trying to collect that million dollars. Get up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
MCGEE: I don't believe it.
TONY: Sorry, Probie. I felt the same way when I found out professional wrestling was fake.
MCGEE: But he was going to frame an innocent man just for the reward?
TONY: It's all about the Benjamins.
MCGEE: Sometimes. Not always.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
THOMAS: You up for that dessert now?
KATE: At two thirty in the morning?
THOMAS: I think I might know a place that's still open.
KATE: And where would that be?(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
THOMAS: New York. Sometimes it's good to own your own airline.
TONY: New York? I love New York.
KATE: It's a small plane, Tony.
THOMAS: Maybe next time.
(SFX: DOORS SLIDE SHUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. SKY - NIGHT
KATE: (V.O.) So you're Catholic, right?
(MUSIC OUT) | |
doc_321 | ACT ONE
Scene One Hallway Outside Frasier's Apartment
[SCENE_BREAK]
Roz is standing at the door to Frasier's apartment when the elevator opens and Frasier, Daphne, Niles and Mel get off. All four are dressed in black.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz.
Roz: Oh, there you are. I brought something for Daphne and I was just gonna leave it with the doorman. [Daphne begins to cry]
Frasier: Oh, lord.
Reset to: Living Room They go in. Daphne heads into the powder room.
Roz: Did I say something?
Frasier: Well, actually our doorman, Morrie, passed away this week. We just got back from the funeral.
Roz: Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Is she going to be all right?
Frasier: Well, you know, she's been a little high-strung all week, even before he died. I guess it's just wedding stuff, you know.
Roz: Yeah.
Daphne comes back.
Daphne: Ooh, sorry 'bout that. So, you brought me something, Roz?
Roz: Well, yeah. I figured you couldn't get married without wearing something borrowed. [Hands her a small box]
Daphne: Oh! What a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
Niles: I especially like the little odometer.
Roz backhands him in the stomach as he grins.
Daphne: Thank you so much, Roz.
Mel: Does anybody besides me feel like a cup of coffee?
Frasier: Oh, I'll brew a pot.
Mel: Oh, don't be silly. I've been here enough times to know how to get the coffee made. Daphne, make us some coffee. [Then] Kidding!
Niles laughs. She heads for the kitchen.
Roz: [picking up a folder] The Wayside Inn. This is where you're having your wedding? Oh gosh, it's just so beautiful.
Daphne: I hope it is, the planning's been a nightmare. I spent an hour today on the seating charts. Everyone has some demand. "Don't sit me near the band", "Do you mind if I bring a friend?"...
Roz: Oh my God, you can't seat me next to him.
Daphne: Exactly! Every selfish, whiny little thing...
Roz: No, you cannot seat me next to Tim Walsh. I dated him all last summer and he dumped me.
Daphne: He's going with my bridesmaid Annie. I have to seat the bridesmaids together.
Roz: This always happens to me. Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
Niles: I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetop.
Roz: Shut up, ya big doily! This is gonna be awful! Here I am at a wedding, sitting next to a guy who dumped me!
Frasier: Oh, come on Roz, you won't be alone. You'll be on the arm of a well-known Seattle boulevardier and radio star.
Roz: Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
Frasier: Niles and I did not go to the prom together! Our dates were sick and we went stag!
Niles: In retrospect, yes, we should have canceled the horse-drawn carriage, but hindsight is 20/20.
[SCENE_BREAK]
MEMENTO MORRIE
Scene Two - Frasier's Living Room
[SCENE_BREAK]
Martin enters carrying a gift bag.
Martin: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hi, Martin. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend Morrie.
Martin: Oh, thanks. Yeah, his wife just did the nicest thing. I guess she knew Eddie and I'd stop by and shoot the breeze with him, so she gave us something to remember him by.
Frasier: Oh, well. [Reading the tag] "For Martin and Eddie." Gee, isn't that nice?
Martin: Yeah, I think it's some kinda wine.
Frasier: Well, yes I'd say so, but...
He pulls out the bottle, reads the label, and gasps.
Frasier: My God, Dad! This is a 1945 Chateau Petrus!
Martin: Oh, yeah? She said he got it from his uncle who was in France after the war.
Frasier: Well, it's one of the rarest bottles in the world!
Martin: Well, if you're good, maybe Eddie'll give you a glass out of his half.
Martin exits to the kitchen as Niles comes over to examine the bottle.
Niles: I've never even seen a '45 Petrus!
Roz: Oh, poor Morrie. He probably waited his whole life for an occasion special enough to open that bottle.
Frasier: Yes. Perhaps this should be a lesson for us all. Morrie might be standing guard at the door to heaven right now, but he's buzzing us with one last message: Live life now. I'm reminded of a parable...
Knock on the door.
Daphne/Niles/Roz: Come in!
The door opens and Simon (Daphne's obnoxious brother) enters with a duffel bag.
Daphne: Simon!
Simon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Frasier: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon: Right. I think I know everyone here. [spots Roz] Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week and you stood me up!
She crosses toward the door.
Simon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
She slams the door in his face.
Simon: Roz! Of course!
Martin: [entering from kitchen] Well, look who's back!
Simon: Well, who's this then? I'd say it was Marty Crane, but he's a bit too young and trim, eh?
Martin: Oh, go on! Can I offer you a beer?
Simon: Oh, I hate to drink alone, could I have a sandwich with that?
Martin and Simon exit to the kitchen.
Frasier: If that beer-swilling boomerang thinks he's staying here, he's got another thing coming.
Niles: Better get a move on, he's already got your address on his duffel bag.
The phone rings, Daphne gets it and goes to her room. Mel enters from the kitchen with a cup of coffee.
Mel: We'd better get going if we're going to reach the cabin by dark.
Frasier: Cabin?
Niles: Yes, Mel and I are celebrating our six-month anniversary by taking a little mid-week getaway to her friend's country place.
Mel: Yes, no phones, no stress, just two days of rest and relaxation. I do have to pick up a little anniversary gift, though, so give me nine minutes and pick me up at the northwest corner of Pike and Elm at 4:42.
Mel and Niles refer to their watches.
Mel: Coming up on 4:33...
Niles: Synchronizing...
Mel: Now! [Then] Good, I'm relaxing already.
She kisses Niles and leaves. Martin and Simon enter from the kitchen.
Simon: Thank you Marty, it's most hospitable of you.
Martin: Well, you gotta have a place to stay...
Frasier: Stop right there! He cannot stay here! The man is loud, ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he killed a ficus tree on the downstairs neighbor's balcony by means which are best left to the imagination!
Martin: Frasier, I invited Simon to stay in my Winnebago! Come on Simon, I'll show you your new digs.
Frasier: Oh, lord. Simon, you know I...
Simon: Oh, no, forget about it. It's no worse than what I was just sayin' about you in the kitchen.
Frasier: [chuckles] Good one.
Simon: [sotto to Martin] He thinks I'm joking.
Simon and Martin leave.
Niles: Join me in a sherry, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, I think I will, Niles.
Niles: You know, I have to admit, I'm a little bit nervous about this trip. I have a feeling Mel may make another push for us to live together.
Frasier: Oh, my.
Niles: She's been bringing it up quite a bit lately. She says it's a good way for us to test our relationship.
Frasier: You're afraid you'll discover things about each other that you won't like?
Niles: Oh, no. No, no. We're past that stage. She knows my likes and dislikes. I've come attuned to her various quirks... eccentricities... bugaboos.... bκte noirs... night terrors. It's the fun of being in love. I don't know what's bothering me.
Frasier: Is it possible that your foot-dragging might have anything to do with some lingering feelings for Daphne?
Niles: Frasier, uh, you must realize I put that behind me months ago.
Frasier: Just asking.
Niles: I'm very happy with Mel.
Frasier: Well then, what's your problem?
Niles: Uh, well, let's see. I just got through with a rough divorce. I do have a tendency to be overly cautious...
Frasier: This could be a chance to change all that.
Niles: So you're in favor of it?
Frasier: Well, I've never really been the president of the Mel fan club, but she does seem to make you happy. And as we were reminded this morning, life is not to be taken in baby steps. Ask not for whom the doorman buzzes...
Niles: Thank you. All right. That was much-needed therapy.
He gets up to leave.
Frasier: Well, it was my pleasure. You're my brother, you get the family rate.
Martin comes in as Niles gets to the door.
Martin: Hey, guys. Got all the way down to the Winnebago and realized I had the wrong keys.
Niles: See you guys in a couple of days.
Martin: All right.
Niles leaves, Daphne enters from her room on the phone.
Daphne: You don't say, mum. Your phlebitis again? She looks pleadingly at Frasier and holds the phone out.
Frasier: [bellowing] Daphne!
Daphne: Got to go now, mum, Dr. Crane's on the warpath again. Bye. [Hangs up, then to Frasier] Thank you!
Martin: Daph, I'm glad you're here, because I was thinking about that wine of Morrie's. You know, that's something really for a special occasion. So, I'd like you to have for the wedding, enjoy it on your honeymoon.
Daphne: [starting to cry] Oh, Mr. Crane!
She hugs him and cries on his shoulder.
Martin: Oh, Daphne, come on. Come on now, it's only a bottle of wine. I don't even know that much about it. Frasier? Help me out here, will you?
Frasier: Well Dad, Chateau Petrus is a premier crux Bordeaux...
Martin: No, no, no. No, I mean with Daphne.
Frasier comes over and holds Daphne.
Martin: There you go.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne.
Martin leaves.
Daphne: I'm sorry to get so emotional like this.
Frasier: It's all right. The funeral must've really upset you.
Daphne: It's not that. Dr. Crane? I've wanted to talk to you about this all week, but I haven't known what to say. You promise you'll keep this just between us?
Frasier: Of course.
Daphne: It's about your brother. You see, I know.
Frasier: Know what?
Daphne: I know about his feelings for me.
Frasier: My God! How did you find out?
Daphne: It's not important.
Frasier: Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just mind their own business? Who was the nattering gossip? Roz? Dad?
Daphne: You.
Frasier: What?
Daphne: You were taking those pills for your back and you blurted it out while I was giving you a massage.
Frasier: Oh, well, they were very strong pills, you see...
Daphne: Needless to say, it completely took my breath away. At first, I tried to forget about it, put it out of my mind.
Frasier: Well, the bottle said just to take one, but I'm a big man...
Daphne: Oh, will you shut up about those pills?!
Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Daphne: Anyway, after a while, I couldn't put it out of my mind anymore. I find myself thinking about him all the time.
Frasier: Daphne... are you saying that you have feelings for Niles?
Daphne: I think I do. Oh, I don't know! Even if I did, he may not feel that way about me anymore, he's with Mel now!
Frasier: I-I don't know what to tell you, Daph. Uh, I, I, think the best thing is for you to, to try to find a way to talk with Niles.
Daphne: Ugh. That's not an easy conversation to have.
Frasier: It's easier now than after you're married.
Daphne: You're right, I have to talk to him. And right away. I'm already making myself sick over this. If I leave it any longer, I'll be a complete basket case. Uh, did he mention if he was going home?
Frasier: Well, ah, actually, um, ah, he's going, ah, somewhere else first. Um...
Daphne: Where?
CUT TO: the hallway. Martin and Simon are getting off the elevator.
Martin: Get you some towels and you'll be all set down there.
Simon: Right.
They enter the apartment, Daphne is again sobbing on Frasier's shoulder.
Martin: Oh, geez, Daphne! It's just a bottle of wine!
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FATTER
Scene One - Frasier's Living Room. The doorbell rings.
Daphne: [v.o.] I'll get it!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Daphne is in the apartment, eating cookies from a large bag. She puts the bag down, composes herself... and opens the door to reveal Frasier holding a lot of packages.
Daphne: Oh. Dr. Crane! I didn't even know you'd gone out. I thought you might be your brother.
Frasier: Well, I went down to get the mail and got all these wedding gifts for you. But don't worry, Niles called and said he'd be coming by this afternoon.
Daphne: [picking up the bag and eating another cookie] I don't even know how I'm going to begin this conversation.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure those chocolate-chip blackened teeth'll be a nice icebreaker.
Daphne: I've been so nervous lately, I've done nothing but stuff myself with junk food.
Frasier takes the bag and the doorbell rings.
Daphne: Oh, it's him!
Frasier: All right, all right, fine. You're gonna be just fine. Okay? Remember to speak from the heart.
She goes to the door, composes herself... and opens the door to Martin.
Daphne: Mr. Crane!
Martin: Thanks! Eddie started doing his "I don't know how much longer I can hold this" dance and I just ran out without my keys. Have you ever seen him do that dance?
Frasier: Just the droll impression of it you do at parties, Dad.
Daphne: [again eating cookies] You know, Mr. Crane, Eddie seems awfully fidgety. I don't think he got enough exercise on that walk.
Martin: Anybody needs any exercise, it's you, the way you're eating now. You know, when they put "Party Size" on that cookie bag, they don't mean party of one.
The doorbell rings again. Frasier takes the bag and Daphne composes herself again then opens the door to Simon.
Daphne: Simon! What do you want?
Simon: Well, I've just come to borrow a pen so I can fill out this job application.
Frasier: What? Oh, you're applying for work? Well here, allow me. [Gives him a pen] Gosh, we'll miss you around here, but onward and upward! [laughs] So, what's the job?
Simon: Doorman.
Frasier gasps and staggers, as Daphne supports him.
Frasier: Dear God.
Simon: Well, it's ideal for me, really. Nice cozy chair, plenty of time to think the long, long thoughts of youth. Not to mention what the uniforms do for the ladies, ah? [laughs] If memory serves, a certain bellhop back in Manchester found that out with a young lady who will remain nameless.
Daphne: Simon! [to Frasier] I tell you, I'm this close to just poppin' him one!
Frasier: Now, now Daphne. Daphne, you just have to calm down. Here, have a cookie. [Gives her the bag, she eats one]
Simon: What is up with your appetite lately? What, are you knocked up or somethin'?
Daphne: Of course not!
She storms toward him, Frasier grabs her.
Simon: Now, now, you wouldn't be the first person in our family to be walking down the aisle carrying more than just a bouquet.
Daphne lunges at him, with Frasier holding her back. The doorbell rings again.
Frasier: Uh, Simon, why don't you finish filling that out in the kitchen and help yourself to a beer?
Simon: Well, great!
He goes to the kitchen. Frasier takes the bag as Daphne composes herself again... and opens the door to-
Daphne: Roz!
Roz: Hi, guys! Hey, Frasier? I felt kinda bad about the other day, dumping you as my wedding date...
Frasier: You want me back, don't you?
Roz: And I'm sick about it. But I can't find anybody else.
Frasier: Sorry Roz, I already invited somebody else, she's driving up on Saturday to join me.
Roz: Well, get rid of her! I need a date! I'm desperate!
Simon enters from the kitchen with a beer.
Simon: Well, well, somebody here is singin' my favorite song.
Roz: Simon? There's a guy who lives in the park across the street from me. He wears a cat suit and meows at people. If he's busy, maybe I'll call you.
Simon: I'm prettying myself up, just in case. Speaking of which, Daphne, I borrowed your blow dryer for my job interview.
Daphne: I spent an hour looking for that! I thought I was losing my mind!
Simon: Well, that does happen to women in your condition. You know, in the family way.
Martin: [entering] You're pregnant?
Daphne: I AM NOT PREGNANT!
Simon: What, just another scare, then? Like that time back in school with that Pakistani chap?
Daphne: [lunges at him] Right, that's it, you pig!
Roz ducks out of the way. Frasier gets in front of her, scoops her over his shoulder and heads for the door.
Daphne: Oh, put me down!
Frasier: Daphne and I are going out for a breath of fresh air, perhaps retrieve her blow dryer. Oh, if Niles should happen to stop by, keep him here. There's something important I need to discuss with him.
He is going out into the hall as he says this.
Reset to: Hallway He shuts the door.
Daphne: Oh, for God's sake, put me down!
Frasier: Not until you promise not to kill your brother.
The elevator opens, he goes in and puts her down. There is a neighbor with a basket of laundry next to them.
Daphne: Oh, all right! It's not as if he doesn't deserve it, telling everyone I'm carrying Donny's baby! Like I don't have enough to worry about today, waiting for Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne, you have to calm down.
Daphne: It's not easy. I don't even know how to begin with him. "Would you like steak or salmon at my wedding? And by the way, I think I might be in love with you."
Frasier: You'll find the words when the time comes, all right? [Glares at the neighbor] And don't pretend you're not listening, Mrs. Richman! Your laundry is not that interesting.
[N.B. Mrs. Richman is Doris from [5.09], Perspectives on Christmas.]
Back in the apartment, Roz is on the phone.
Roz: Oh, come on George, I'm desperate here. I promise you a good time. I mean a REALLY good time, if you get my drift. [Pause] You might have mentioned I was on speaker-phone!
She disconnects.
Simon: Listen to what you're doing, Roz. It's not very dignified, is it?
Martin: Come on Roz, give Simon a chance.
Roz: So he can stand me up again?
Simon: And miss my sister's wedding? Never! If you're worried about my appearance, I know where I can get my hands on some very nice Armani suits.
Martin: Or you could just grab one out of Frasier's closet.
Roz: What did you think he was talking about? All right. But Simon, just remember my ex-boyfriend will be there. If anybody asks, you're an internet millionaire.
Simon: Right. I'll be the perfect, well-bred, up-market gentleman. Now, I'll walk you to the garage.
Roz: Ah, you don't have to.
Simon: No, it's no bother. I live there.
They go to the door and open it to find (at last!) Niles. He is wearing a large grin.
Niles: Roz!
Roz: Niles.
Niles: Simon!
Simon: Well, by the look of that smile on your face, I'd say somebody got himself a bit last night. [gestures lewdly with arms]
Niles: [looking shocked and appalled] I find that remark rude, boorish and IMPOSSIBLE TO DENY! [Breaks out laughing]
Simon: Brilliant!
Simon gives Niles a punch in the arm, knocking him back into the hallway. Roz just looks disgusted as they leave. Niles comes in.
Martin: Niles, how was your trip?
Niles: Oh, fantastic, Dad. Where's Frasier? I have some news.
Martin: He'll be back in a bit. What's up?
Niles: Oh, well, uh, I should wait for Frasier, it was really his idea. Do you mind?
Martin: I can wait.
Niles: Okay, I can't!
Martin: What is it?
Niles: I'm married!
Beat.
Martin: Married?
Niles: Yes, Mel and I eloped yesterday. [Martin is stunned] Well?
Martin: [gets up to hug him] Well... congratulations, son! That's great. So, uh, you're happy, right?
Niles: Oh, happy? I'm delirious!
Martin: Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you? So, you say this was Frasier's idea?
Niles: Well, indirectly, yeah. Oh, oh, before I forget: it occurred to me, I think we should keep this from Daphne and Donny. I would hate for them to think we were stealing their thunder.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier comes in.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, three guesses what I did yesterday...
Frasier: What?
Daphne enters behind him (with her blow dryer).
Niles: Daphne.
Daphne: Dr. Crane.
Niles: [to Martin] Oh, send Daphne away.
Daphne: [to Frasier] Get rid of your father.
Martin: Daphne, could you go to the drugstore? I'm all out of liniment and my back's gettin' kinda achy.
Frasier: You know, Dad, that's because you've been sitting in that chair all day. I'll tell you what, you know what you could use? A good walk to the drugstore. Do you a world of good. I'll go with you.
Frasier grabs Martin's arm and cane and starts dragging him to the door.
Martin: Well, okay, all right. Niles, why don't you come too?
Niles: Yeah, we'll all go. [He starts to follow]
Frasier: No, no, there's something very important I need to discuss with Dad, Niles. I'm sure you understand.
Martin: Fras...!
Frasier slams the door behind them. Niles and Daphne look at each other a moment and then Niles's cell phone goes off.
Niles: Oh, excuse me. [Answers phone] Hello? Mel, darling! Oh, just hanging out with Daphne.
CUT TO: the hallway. Frasier and Martin are waiting for the elevator.
Frasier: Honestly Dad, when will you learn to take a hint?
Martin: I can't take a hint? Couldn't you see that Niles wanted to talk to you?
The elevator opens and they get on. Mrs. Richman is there, without the basket, apparently going back for another load.
Frasier: Well, whatever it is, it can wait.
Martin: Oh, yeah! No big deal, he just got married, that's all!
Frasier: What?
Martin: He eloped with Mel yesterday.
Richman: Poor Daphne...
Frasier: Would you please keep out of this, Mrs. Richman? We have got to get back up there. [Stabs at the buttons]
Martin: We're going to the basement.
Frasier: I can't wait that long!
The doors open on a lower floor. Frasier runs around the corner to the stairs.
CUT BACK TO: the living room.
Niles: [on phone] I'll see you later, darling. [Hangs up] Sorry about that.
Daphne: It's all right.
Niles sits down on the couch.
Niles: So, forty-eight hours 'til the big day, you must be pretty excited.
Daphne: It's funny you should mention that. [Sits on the couch beside him] You see, Dr. Crane...
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Frasier: [bursts through door] NILES!
Niles and Daphne stand up in shock; Frasier freezes in the door, wondering if his entrance was precipitous.
Daphne: Dr. Crane! You're back awfully soon!
Niles: You're all out of breath, is something wrong?
Frasier: Ah, no, no. It's just there's something I need to discuss with Niles.
Daphne: What, now? We were just having a chat!
Frasier: Well I'm sure it can wait.
Niles: Actually Daphne, I need to talk to Frasier, too. If you don't mind.
Daphne: Oh! Of course not! It's not like I have anything important to talk about!
She storms off to her room, grabbing the bag of cookies on her way. Martin comes in behind Frasier.
Niles: Daphne all right?
Frasier: Well, uh, it's just wedding stuff, I guess. Speaking of which, I understand you have some, some news? You're married?
Niles: Yes. I guess Dad couldn't contain himself any more than I could.
Frasier: Well, I thought you were just gonna move in together.
Niles: Well, so did I! But then the strangest thing happened. As we talked about it, we got more and more excited about the idea of being together. And then I remembered your advice.
Martin gives Frasier a very hooded look right here.
Niles: To stop taking baby steps through life. Before we knew it, we were asking the waitress for a phone book so we could find a justice-of-the-peace.
The doorbell rings, Martin gets it.
Frasier: Well, what can I say, but... congratulations.
Niles: Thank you!
They hug. Martin opens the door, it is Mel with a bottle of champagne.
Mel: Martin! Or should I say "Dad"?
Martin: [nervous] Yeah, I heard.
Frasier: Mel.
Daphne comes out of her room behind Niles.
Niles: Darling... oh, darling, it occurred to me that perhaps we should keep this quiet from Daphne.
Daphne: Keep what quiet?
Mel: Oh, we can't keep something like this a secret! [takes Niles's hand] We got married!
Daphne: [freezes for a second, then] Did you?
Behind Niles and Mel, Frasier looks heartsick.
Niles: Yes, while we were out of town. But the last thing we want is to upstage you and Donny, so we are not mentioning this outside this room.
Mel makes a little lip-locking gesture.
Daphne: [coming to them and taking each of their hands] Well, I am just so happy for you both.
Niles: We're having champagne. Would you like to join us?
Daphne: Oh, I'd love to. But I have to get a check down to the caterers, they're closing early today.
Frasier: Let me drive you over, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, no, I'm fine. Congratulations again. Oh, save a glass for me.
CUT TO: the hallway. She goes out into the hallway. We follow as she pushes the button for the elevator. Her shoulders shake with sobs she is holding back.
As the elevator doors open, her face breaks and she lets out a sob. Mrs. Richman is standing there with her basket. She puts it down, opens her arms and takes Daphne into a hug to cry on her shoulder.
END OF ACT TWO | |
doc_322 | Andy: Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video]
Group: Dunder Mifflin!
Andy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail.
Kevin: That's me. [repeats]
Andy: Fail.
Oscar: Is this like a blooper reel?
Andy: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy? [Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme]Look at him dance. Fail!
Dwight: Fail!
Jim: I deserved that.
Andy: [Darryl runs in slow motion on video] Do do do do do do do.
Darryl: That was a triple.
Andy: Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!
Darryl: My pleasure.
[Clark and Pete are shown on screen]
Video Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry]
Andy: I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. [Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.] Well, that's all folks. [photo of Andy watersking shows on screen] Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. [Group claps halfheartedly]
Oscar: What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Andy: Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?
Jim: Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?
Andy: Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]
Jim: I think I got it right here. [Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself][Group laughs]
Andy: That was not a fail.
Group: Fail! Fail! Fail!...
Andy: [Group continues chanting "Fail!"]That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god.
Phyllis: What's going on?
Dwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.
Stanley: What's he measuring?
Dwight: OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Toby: It's an EMF hotspot.
Phyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god!
Oscar: It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Andy: Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Stanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Dwight: OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you.
Jim: You got it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now.
Andy: Fine. I will give you one minute.
Nellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass.
Andy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
Nellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby.
Andy: A baby what? A human?!
Nellie: And the...agency require a character reference from my employer.
Andy: Oh.
Nellie: You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.
Andy: Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.
Nellie: It's not..it's-
Andy: And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.
Nellie: Well then if I could just convince...
Andy: And those sand grains are tumbling..
Nellie: You.
Andy: With fury...
Nellie: It's not..it's not
Andy: Down the sides..
Nellie: Entrapment if I'm..
Andy: Of the hourglass..
Nellie: ..writing..
Andy: Time's up!
Nellie: Fine.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: [Reading from computer] "Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!" That means you can't make me do squat.
Meredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts.
Dwight: You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week.
Pam: Week off. That'd be great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so.
Clark: I don't want to teach you Power Point.
Darryl: Come on! Just show me the Power Point.
Clark: Just do the tutorial.
Darryl: You're the tutorial.
Clark: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial.
Darryl: You could be.
Clark: Mm-mm.
Darryl: [to Jim] What are you doing?
Jim: Getting my wife a week off from work.
Darryl: You popped one kernel.
Jim: Awesome, right? [leaves]
Clark: So Creed is that dude's step dad?
Darryl: Correct.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests]
Dwight: What? Come on.
Creed: I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair...
Meredith: I'm not gonna grow a third arm!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [reading from computer] "Side effects of EMF include: headaches..."
Dwight: Had 'em all my life.
Jim:"..breast pain..."
Dwight: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.
Jim: Oof. "Infertility."
Dwight: [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch]
Jim: Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?
Dwight: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the?
Jim: What?
Dwight: Some of these kernels have crowned.
Jim: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god.
Dwight: Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.
Pam: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?
Jim: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen.
Pam: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.
Jim: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.
Pam: Yeah, OK then.
Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.
Dwight: So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week.
Meredith: Nice job.
Dwight: In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour.
Jim: What?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: What's this?
Andy: Whoa!
Jim: What?
Dwight: [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: [on phone] There are a hundred packs..
Oscar: [On phone] No six after the eight, no....
Stanley: Shh!
Oscar: Shh!
Stanley: Ninety nine cases..yeah.
Oscar: Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying]
Angela: Ooh!
Pete: Oh sorry! Sorry.
Angela: Oh my god!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: [bumps into Meredith] Sorry.
Meredith: Lose weight.
Erin: I'm trying. Sorry.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.
Nellie: Oh of course, you were adopted.
Erin: [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well.
Nellie: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?
Erin: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.
Nellie: Oh thank you so much!
Erin: [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because..
Nellie: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Clark: Stretch. Alright.
Stanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll?
Clark: I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue.
Stanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.
Jim: Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face.
Clark: It's a medical thing.
Jim: Just...you good?
Clark: I'm good. I..
Jim: [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this.
Pam: It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.
Angela: I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her]
Pam: Oh my god! Ah!
Jim: I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!
Pam: You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus]
Jim: Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking?
Dwight: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.
Jim: Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?
Dwight: It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
Jim: Andy!
Andy: Yo. Dudeces.
Jim: You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?
Phyllis: Oh, I know I'd be more productive.
Kevin: As would I.
Stanley: No question.
Dwight: No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
Jim: What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy?
Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!
Andy: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.
Erin: Yes! [Group cheers]
Jim: Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also.
Pam: Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat]
Jim: [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?
Dwight: Get your foot behind the yellow line.
Jim: You got it.
Erin: Yeah Jim! [Group claps]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Darryl: [Sitting outside building] Stop.
Clark: Come back.
Darryl: Too late.
Clark: Mmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Group: Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call.
Pam: My name is Pam.
Group: Yeah!
Pam: I like to paint.
Group: Yeah!
Pam: You think you're better?
Group: Yeah!
Pam: Oh no you ain't!
Group: Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!
Kevin: My name is Kevin.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: That is my name.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: They call me Kevin.
Group: Yeah!
Kevin: Cause that's my name.
Group: Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Creed: [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one.
Pam: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?
Jim: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.
Pam: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him.
Jim: He's just mad that we're all having fun.
Pam: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?
Jim: He's fine. He's indestructible.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages.
Nellie: [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one.
Erin: Never say that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Erin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.
Nellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: Next stop pies! [group joins in]
Group: Next stop pies!
Kevin: Next stop pies!
Jim: Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Kevin: Wh...
Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work.
Dwight: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Jim: OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.
Dwight: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.
Jim: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!
Pam: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him.
Jim: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?!
Group: No!
Dwight: Stop ordering me around, Jim!
Jim: What do we want?!
Group: Pies!
Jim: When do we want it?!
Group: Pies!
Dwight: OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.
Jim: That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight!
Meredith: Oh my!
Jim: What are you doing?
Meredith: Dwight, what the hell?
Oscar: Dwight!
Clark: What?
Kevin: Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just..
Pam: Phyllis! That's not safe.
Kevin: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it.
Pam: [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset.
Jim: You know he's doing all this on purpose.
Pam: Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch]
Stanley: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream!
Andy: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps]
Meredith: What?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-
Dwight: I'm barren, Jim.
Jim: What?
Dwight: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.
Jim: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
Dwight: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?
Jim: No.
Dwight: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs]
Jim: I'll take it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: Andy?
Andy: Who is it?
Nellie: Um, is this a good time?
Andy: Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.
Nellie: Oh, why, is there something?
Andy: It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.
Nellie: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-
Andy: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.
Nellie: Alright then.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Dwight: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?
Jim: That doesn't matter.
Dwight: What position did you use to conceive?
Jim: Ok...that's not...
Dwight: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?
Pete: I don't think that's Nelly.
Andy: What?
Nellie: Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children?
Dwight: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.
Jim: Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..
Dwight: Bildenkinder.
Jim: OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go?
Jim: It's pretty good actually.
Pam: Yeah?
Jim: We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim]
Oscar: Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts]
Dwight: When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!
Pam: You feel OK now?
Dwight: Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.
Pam: Well, actually, rhubarb is-
Jim: Don't..
Pam: the one pie that I don't.
Jim: Don't..
Dwight: Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly]
Angela: Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie!
Group: Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: Oh.
Andy: I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers]
Nellie: Oh, you signed it?
Andy: Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Nellie: [Reading] "She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: I insult you, Oscar.
Oscar: What?
Kevin: I insult you! To your face!
Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kevin: Then why don't you do something about it?
Oscar: [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?
Kevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed.
Jim: We did it.
Pam: You did it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: My name is Andy!
Group: [bored] Yeah.
Andy: I don't do drugs!
Group: Yeah.
Andy: Now check the style!
Group: Yeah.
Andy: Of Flatt & Scruggs!
Group: Yeah. [Andy plays banjo]
Pam: Role call.
Phyllis: Role call.
Oscar: Role call.
Creed: What? | |
doc_323 | Genesis of the Daleks
by: Terry Nation Part Five
Running time: 23:27
[SCENE_BREAK]
HARRY: Doctor, please, don't tell. Doctor.
DOCTOR: All right, all right! Just leave them alone.
DOCTOR: The Dalek invasion of the Earth in the year 2000 was foiled because of an attempt by the Daleks to mine the core of the planet. The magnetic properties of the Earth were... Mars... the Daleks were defeated by a virus that attacked the insulation on the cables in their electrical systems. ...In the space year seventeen thousand was halted by the intervention of a fleet of war rockets from the planet Hyperon. The rockets were made of a metal that was completely resistant to Dalek firepower. The Dalek Task Force was completely destroyed.
DAVROS: This seems an opportune moment to end this session. Nyder. Release the prisoners. Take them to the detention area.
DAVROS: Interrogation will continue later. And I must thank you, Doctor. What you have told me will be invaluable.
DAVROS: All this information, this foreknowledge, will be programmed into the Dalek memory banks. Take them away.
DAVROS: Doctor, stay a moment. Sit down. Let us talk together now, not as prisoner and captor, but as men of science. There is so much I wish to know. Nyder, take charge of the tape.
NYDER: Immediately, Davros.
DAVROS: It will be your responsibility, and remember, it is priceless. It's value beyond computation.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: Ah, thank you.
HARRY: Who are you?
GHARMAN: My name's Gharman.
HARRY: Gharman?
GHARMAN: Until a few hours ago I was head of the Military Elite Scientific Corps.
SARAH: And now you're a prisoner like us? What happened?
GHARMAN: Wait.
GHARMAN: I was trying to organise a movement against Davros. He found out. Now, what's happening out there? Has there been any attempt to take away control from Davros?
SARAH: Not that we know of.
GHARMAN: Nothing?
HARRY: He's still very much in charge.
GHARMAN: I don't understand. You see, Davros tricked me into giving him the names of the group who were plotting against him. Have there not been mass arrests by now? Executions?
SARAH: It all seemed pretty quiet out there.
GHARMAN: But Davros knows that we're planning action against him. Why hasn't he moved to stop it? Why?
HARRY: Perhaps that'd be too obvious, even for Davros.
GHARMAN: Well, if that's true, he's being too clever for his own good. Every moment he delays, our movement grows in strength.
SARAH: I hope you're right.
GHARMAN: I know I am. Many of us believe that production of the Daleks must end. I believe now that we are in the majority. If we act soon, we can break his power.
HARRY: We're not in much of a position to act at the moment, are we.
GHARMAN: If only I could get word to them now.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SOLDIER: Halt! State your business.
KAVELL: I wish to question the prisoners.
SOLDIER: Nobody is allowed to communicate with the prisoners unless they have a pass signed by Davros.
SOLDIER: Stay where you are!
KAVELL: I seem to have mislaid it. I'll come back later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DAVROS: Now, future errors will be eradicated. Defeats will become victories. You have changed the future of the universe, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I have betrayed the future. Davros, for the last time, consider what you're doing. Stop the development of the Daleks.
DAVROS: Impossible. It is beyond my control. The workshops are already fully automated to produce the Dalek machines.
DOCTOR: It's not the machines, it's the minds of the creatures inside them. Minds that you created. They are totally evil.
DAVROS: Evil? No. No, I will not accept that. They are conditioned simply to survive. They can survive only by becoming the dominant species. When all other life forms are suppressed, when the Daleks are the supreme rulers of the universe, then you will have peace. Wars will end. They are the power not of evil, but of good.
DOCTOR: Davros, if you had created a virus in your laboratory, something contagious and infectious that killed on contact, a virus that would destroy all other forms of life, would you allow its use?
DAVROS: It is an interesting conjecture.
DOCTOR: Would you do it?
DAVROS: The only living thing, a microscopic organism reigning supreme. A fascinating idea.
DOCTOR: But would you do it?
DAVROS: Yes. Yes. To hold in my hand a capsule that contains such power, to know that life and death on such a scale was my choice. To know that the tiny pressure on my thumb, enough to break the glass, would end everything. Yes, I would do it! That power would set me up above the gods. And through the Daleks, I shall have that power!
DAVROS: Release me.
DOCTOR: No, Davros.
DAVROS: Don't touch that switch.
DOCTOR: Why not?
DAVROS: It controls my life support systems. I could not survive thirty seconds without them.
DOCTOR: Order the destruction of the incubator section.
DAVROS: Destroy the Daleks? Never.
DOCTOR: I mean it, Davros. Next time I press that switch, it stays pressed. Now give the order!
DAVROS: Even if I do this, there will be no escape for you.
DOCTOR: I'll take that chance. Now give the order.
DAVROS: Press the communicator switch.
DAVROS: This is Davros. Elite unit seven will go to the incubator room. All survival maintenance systems are to be closed down. The Dalek creatures are to be destroyed.
DOCTOR: Tell them the order cannot be countermanded.
DAVROS: This order cannot
DAVROS: This is Davros, this is Davros. My last order is cancelled, repeat, cancelled. No action is to be taken.
NYDER: What do you want done with this?
DAVROS: For the moment he must be kept alive. He has knowledge that is vital to our future, and I will drain every last detail of it from his mind. And then, he will learn the true meaning of pain.
NYDER: I will take him to the detention room.
DAVROS: The dissidents. What progress are they making?
NYDER: Feeling against you is rising. Many of the scientific corps are openly speaking against you. Even some of the military are joining them.
DAVROS: As I expected.
DAVROS: They will take action soon?
NYDER: Almost certainly. They outnumber those of us who are loyal. Davros, why don't you let me take a squad of Elite men I can trust? In an hour, I could wipe out their leaders.
DAVROS: You think like a soldier, Nyder. Rebellion is an idea in the mind. Suppress it, and it hides away and festers. No. My way is best.
NYDER: As you wish. On your feet!
DAVROS: All Dalek units! All Dalek units!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DALEK: Davros has commanded all Dalek units to disengage and return to the bunker immediately.
DALEK 2: I obey.
[SCENE_BREAK]
BETTAN: Shush. There's something moving out there.
SEVRIN: The whole of the Thal city is burning. The Daleks are moving through it, section by section, hunting down the survivors.
BETTAN: Then there's no one left?
SEVRIN: No, I covered a fairly large area and found no one. No one living, that is.
BETTAN: So we're on our own.
SEVRIN: You're still going to attack the main entrance though, aren't you?
BETTAN: There's no point in delaying any longer. We'll move more safely under the cover of darkness. Come on, get ready, we're moving out.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYDER: Open up.
HARRY: Not exactly as planned, Sarah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
HARRY: How's the Doctor?
SARAH: I don't know.
HARRY: He's a bit groggy but he'll be all right.
GHARMAN: Come on, Kavell, we've a lot to do.
KAVELL: What about the guards? Suppose they won't come over to our side?
GHARMAN: They'll be disarmed and held in custody until we've presented our ultimatum to Davros.
DOCTOR: No, wait, wait. Davros knows what you're planning. I heard him talking to Nyder.
GHARMAN: If he knows, why hasn't he taken action against us?
KAVELL: Perhaps because he knows its futile. There are too many of us.
DOCTOR: No, it's not that. I don't know what he's got prepared for you, but believe me, he's ready.
GHARMAN: Well, even so, there'll still be too many for him.
DOCTOR: Just be careful. Be careful.
KAVELL: I think we can take care of things. Thanks for the warning.
SARAH: No point in telling you to rest, I suppose?
DOCTOR: No, there isn't. We've got to recover that Time Ring.
SARAH: Because without it, we'll never get off this planet. But where is it?
DOCTOR: It's on the desk in the main laboratory. And then there's that tape recording that Nyder took. We've got to get it back at all costs. It would make the Daleks invincible. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GHARMAN: Ready? Now remember, we resort to violence only if there is no other way.
GHARMAN: Stay perfectly still. Take their weapons.
GHARMAN: No! That was stupid. A stupid waste of life. Our intention has always been to make a bloodless revolution. There's been enough of killing and violence. All right, take him away and lock him up with the others.
GHARMAN: Start passing these out to our people.
KAVELL: Gharman. Gharman, they're coming over to our side in droves. We've the backing of a good eighty percent now.
GHARMAN: Good. Good. What about the hard core Davros people?
KAVELL: They've all been rounded up. We're winning, Gharman. We're winning.
GHARMAN: Then let's finish it off.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYDER: Davros, they're taking over. We must act quickly. In another hour they could be totally in control. Do you hear me, Davros? I have a dozen crack men hiding in section nine. Let me order them into action. Davros!
DAVROS: I hear you.
NYDER: Then what are we going to do?
DAVROS: I want you to find their leaders and hand over your weapons to them.
NYDER: Surrender?
DAVROS: Order all members of the Elite guards still at liberty to do the same.
NYDER: Do you know what you're saying?
DAVROS: I know precisely what I am saying. Now, I will command and you will obey. You will do as I order! You will inform the rebel leaders that I have given these orders to avoid bloodshed. Tell them I submit, and will listen to their demands. That is all.
NYDER: Then we are admitting that we're beaten.
DAVROS: That is what they will believe.
NYDER: You mean that
DAVROS: You and they will find out exactly what I mean all in good time. Now carry out my orders.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Shush.
DOCTOR: Useful. Ah. This is something rather more useful.
SARAH: They're explosives, aren't they?
DOCTOR: Yes. Explosives and detonators. It seems almost providential.
SARAH: Why? What are you going to use them for?
DOCTOR: The Time Lord gave me three options. There's only one still open. Genocide.
HARRY: Genocide?
DOCTOR: Yes. I'm going to kill everything in the incubation room. I'm going to destroy the Daleks forever.
[SCENE_BREAK]
GHARMAN: Where is Davros?
KAVELL: You said that Davros had agreed to meet us here.
NYDER: He'll be here.
DAVROS: You have something to say to me?
GHARMAN: Davros, we wish to make our views plain to you concerning our work here.
DAVROS: With what authority do you speak? With whose backing?
GHARMAN: We speak for virtually all the Elite scientific corps and many of the military. We represent the majority.
DAVROS: Very well. Continue.
GHARMAN: Nobody disputes that in the past, under your guidance, we've made incredible progress in many fields of science.
DAVROS: You did not come here to flatter me. You came to offer an ultimatum. Confine yourself to the terms of that ultimatum.
GHARMAN: Very well. The initial concept of the Dalek was to build a life support system and a travel machine for the creature that we know our race will ultimately evolve into.
DAVROS: You disapprove of that?
GHARMAN: No, but we believe that concept has been perverted. You have tampered with the genetic structuring of the creature to create a ruthless power for evil. We cannot permit this to continue.
DAVROS: Then what do you suggest?
GHARMAN: All work on Dalek projects is to cease immediately. The creatures that have been conditioned and programmed are to be destroyed. If these terms are met, we will then be proud to work under your guidance on the rebuilding of our society.
DAVROS: And if I refuse?
GHARMAN: If you refuse, you will be placed under arrest. The Daleks will be destroyed and our work here will then continue under a new, democratically elected leader.
DAVROS: Have you finished?
GHARMAN: Well?
DAVROS: You might at least do me the courtesy of giving me time to consider.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: The Daleks are in there?
DOCTOR: The flesh and blood part of them. Indeed they are flesh and blood.
HARRY: Some of them can move about.
SARAH: Well, how do I see?
DOCTOR: Press the button.
DOCTOR: Pay it out quickly, Harry.
SARAH: You're not going in there, are you?
DOCTOR: They're harmless enough, I think. Just unpleasant.
HARRY: You don't want me to come in, do you, Doctor?
DOCTOR: There's no need, Harry. It just remains to put the charges where they'll do the most damage. It shouldn't take me more than a couple of minutes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DAVROS: I have made my decision. I accept your ultimatum. On one condition.
GHARMAN: Go on.
DAVROS: That you allow me to speak to a full meeting of the Elite, both scientific and military. Anyone you elect may speak against me. When this is done, a vote will be taken. I will abide by the decision of the majority.
GHARMAN: You already know the decision of the majority. You will lose, Davros.
DAVROS: With such confidence, you can hardly deny my request. It was you who introduced the word democracy.
GHARMAN: Do we accept his proposition?
GHARMAN: Very well, it's agreed.
DAVROS: The meeting will take place in one hour from now. Arrange it. You may go.
DAVROS: Ours is the victory, Nyder. We have won! They talk of democracy, freedom, fairness. Those are the creeds of cowards. The ones who will listen to a thousand viewpoints and try to satisfy them all. Achievement comes through absolute power, and power through strength. They have lost!
[SCENE_BREAK]
SEVRIN: The entrance to the bunker is just beyond the next rise. That's where they must be heading.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SARAH: What's taking him so long?
HARRY: It's a very delicate operation, Sarah. Still, he should have finished by now.
SARAH: Doctor? Doctor, are you all right?
DOCTOR: Sarah! | |
doc_324 | THE TWIN DILEMMA
BY: ANTHONY STEVEN
Part Three
Running time: 24:27
[SCENE_BREAK]
(The Doctor appears. A bit.)
PERI: Did you see that?
LT HUGO LANG: I think so.
PERI: Do Doctor, I ahhh are you here?
LT HUGO LANG: What in heaven's name is going on? You're flesh and blood at least.
PERI: Leave me alone.
DOCTOR: Oh, that stupid girl's watch. How I hate these hit or miss performances.
PERI: Doctor, thank heavens, whatever happened?
DOCTOR: Your watch stopped. I overcompensated, ended up in the wrong time zone. Ten seconds into your future.
PERI: I thought you'd been killed.
DOCTOR: You cared?
PERI: Of course I did.
DOCTOR: You know I'll never understand the people of earth. I have spent the day using, abusing, even tried to kill you. If you'd behaved as I have, I should have been pleased at your demise.
PERI: It's called compassion, Doctor. It's the difference that remains between us.
DOCTOR: Earthlings.
LT HUGO LANG: Would someone like to tell me what is going on?
DOCTOR: Ah, Corporal Lang, how are you?
LT HUGO LANG: Lieutenant. I was fine, I'm not sure any more. My ship.
DOCTOR: You were lucky to escape, no one else did.
PERI: I'm sorry. What went wrong?
LT HUGO LANG: I don't know, the controls seized, after that I don't remember anything til I came to in here. What is this place, who are you?
PERI: I'm Peri, and this is the Doctor. He saved your life.
DOCTOR: And we did not abduct the twins.
LT HUGO LANG: Twins, what do you know about them?
DOCTOR: Never mind about that now, look, do put that thing away will you? If you ever hope to see them again your only chance is to come with us.
LT HUGO LANG: Where to?
DOCTOR At a guess, Jaconda.
LT HUGO LANG: All right, you don't leave me any choice, do you?
DOCTOR: Not really.
(On Jaconda.)
ROMULUS: He was your friend.
REMUS: That girl did you no harm.
ROMULUS: You've left them there to die.
AZMAEL: They will survive. Now if you don't mind.
REMUS: And your name isn't Edgeworth
ROMULUS It's Azmael.
AZMAEL: Yes, yes, I agree, a small deception, now be patient and sensible.
DRAK: Master.
AZMAEL: What is it?
DRAK: That blip on the scanner.
AZMAEL: Yes. Very far ahead.
DRAK: We're on the same course.
AZMAEL: Oh, some merchant man. No concern of ours.
NOMA: They will not survive. AZMAEL I don't understand.
NOMA: The safe house. I set it to self destruct.
AZMAEL: You madman, I gave no orders!
NOMA: That is perfectly correct.
AZMAEL: But it's murder! Why, Noma, why?
NOMA: It is what the lord Mestor would have wished.
(Back to the TARDIS.)
PERI: But why would he want to kill us?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
PERI: And if he's going to Jaconda, why stop off Titan Three?
LT HUGO LANG: Oh, that was just to put us off the scent.
DOCTOR: No no no no no. No, no. No no nononono. No, consider what we know. Azmael, or whatever he happens to call himself needs the genius of the twins, he crosses galaxies to possess their minds. He says he's no longer master of his planet, but he wants to save his people. And that I cannot help him to do so. Even if he does believe such unimaginable rubbish he must be faced by some unimaginable disaster which has unhinged his mind. Well. We shall soon discover what it is.
(On Jaconda.)
MESTOR: Who is this creature?
CHAMBERLAIN: A porter from the royal hatcheries, Master.
MESTOR: What is his crime?
CHAMBERLAIN: After routine search following his tour of duty, he was found to have this concealed on his person.
MESTOR: What does it contain?
CHAMBERLAIN: Vegetables from the royal hatcheries, Master
MESTOR: The penalty is death. Have you anything to say?
PRISONER: Mercy, great Master, mercy! My family is starving.
MESTOR: Many are starving, it is no difference. Now your family will have to starve without your company. Stand aside, guards. You will suffer the maximum penalty - death by embolism.
PRISONER: No, no not that. Shoot me! Ah! Aaaaaagghh!
MESTOR: Cold storage. ** CLAP ON! ** The carcass may be of use to our slaves if this famine continues. Azmael will soon be here?
CHAMBERLAIN: Yes, Master.
MESTOR: When he arrives, have him escorted to his laboratory with the earthlings. I will see him there.
(On the surface. The TARDIS materializes.)
DOCTOR: Haaaa. Jaconda the beautiful.
PERI: You call this beautiful? Doctor, it's absolutely ghastly!
DOCTOR: Oh no. It should not be true. The giant gastropods.
LT HUGO LANG: What are you talking about?
DOCTOR: Half humanoid, half slug, part of Jacondan mythology.
PERI: So?
DOCTOR: Well, just look around you, look at the devastation.
PERI: Gastropods did this?
DOCTOR What else?
PERI: Are you sure your mind isn't wandering again?
DOCTOR: Of course not. So, it wasn't a myth after all. Somewhere somehow their seed survived. Now they have returned.
LT HUGO LANG: Nonsense.
DOCTOR: You think so?
LT HUGO LANG: Well of course it is.
DOCTOR: I wish I could agree with you. This was once a forest grove. Look at the trees! No trace of foliage. The very bark stripped of the trunks. And the soil! Barren. Nothing but these telltale tracks. The slime trails of the giant gastropods. I fear the evidence is quite conclusive.
PERI: Doctor. You're beginning to scare me.
DOCTOR: I'm beginning to scare myself, Peri.
PERI: Now what?
DOCTOR: Into the TARDIS. I must think.
(On the freighter.)
AZMAEL: Freighter to Jaconda control. Freight to Jaconda control.
FLIGHT CONTROLLER: Receiving you freighter.
AZMAEL: Approaching re-entry, permission to touch down at omega intersection.
FLIGHT CONTROLLER: You are clear to approach.
AZMAEL: Thank you control.
FLIGHT CONTROLLER: On arrival report to palace. Transport will be waiting. Out.
(In the TARDIS.)
PERI: What are you gonna do?
DOCTOR: Panic at any moment.
LT HUGO LANG: Where is Edgeworth likely to have taken the twins?
DOCTOR: The palace.
LT HUGO LANG: Well shouldn't we go there?
DOCTOR: And be killed?
LT HUGO LANG: Just give me directions and I'll go alone, if you're afraid.
DOCTOR: Me, afraid?
LT HUGO LANG Well, aren't you?
DOCTOR: You have a nasty habit of pinpointing the truth, young man.
PERI: We we we can't let him go alone! DOCTOR Watch me.
PERI: Well you know what's out there, he doesn't!
DOCTOR: Well then let him go to the palace, and he'll know as much as I do.
PERI: Oh Doctor you must help.
DOCTOR: Is this another attempt to teach me compassion?
LT HUGO LANG: Just tell me where it is and I'll be happy to go alone.
DOCTOR: It's all right for you! You're young, strong, fit of limb.You're confident in your mission,your energy's boundless, you're highly motivated to success. You even have a gun to enforce your will upon others. Look at me, I'm old, lacking in vigour, my mind's in a turmoil, I no longer know if I'm coming, have gone or even been. I'm falling to pieces! I no longer even have any clothes sense!
PERI: Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself!
DOCTOR: Self pity is all I have left.
PERI: You've got the TARDIS. You still know how to operate it. Take the Lieutenant to the palace!
LT HUGO LANG: Now, if you please.
DOCTOR: As you wish.
(Underground.)
PERI: That's the seediest looking stately home I've ever seen.
DOCTOR: Well you didn't expect me to materialise in the throne room.
LT HUGO LANG: Where are the twins likely to be?
DOCTOR: Anywhere.
LT HUGO LANG: Well, I won't find them waiting around here.
DOCTOR: I'll come with you.
LT HUGO LANG: No need, thank you for bringing me here.
DOCTOR: You didn't give me much choice! Now look, Sergeant -
PERI: Lieutenant.
DOCTOR AND LT HUGO LANG Lieutenant.
DOCTOR: Don't be smug with me. Now I've already explained my condition, I may be behaving like a manic barometer, but don't shrug off help when it's offered. You can't afford to.
LT HUGO LANG: I thank you for your offer, but frankly I find you unreliable.
DOCTOR: So is most currency. Doesn't stop people from spending money wisely.
PERI: The Doctor might be useful.
LT HUGO LANG: Well, all right. But if you become unstable again, Doctor, I won't hesitate to kill you.
(After the freighter lands.)
ROMULUS: Where are you taking us?
AZMAEL: You'll see.
REMUS: Why do you like to play the man of mystery?
ROMULUS: It's a role you play very badly.
REMUS It's so blatantly transparent.
AZMAEL: Continue to provoke me and the matter that contains your genius will finish up as so much animal fodder!
(Back to the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Hideous. Utterly hideous!
PERI: Are you sure this is the right place?
DOCTOR: Hm? Absolutely. Azmael showed me once. This passage leads to the center of the palace. Used to be an underground bolthole in times of danger. Ah, seems to be clear. Shall we go?
PERI: I just hope you don't get us lost.
(To Azmael.)
DOCTOR: Oh, definite possibility that.
AZMAEL: This is where I work. The palace laboratory.
CHAMBERLAIN: Greetings.
ROMULUS What's in there?
AZMAEL: Eggs. You're looking at Lord Mestor's incubator. The future citizens of Jaconda.
REMUS: They're gastropod eggs.
CHAMBERLAIN: Such knowledge.
ROMULUS: Who is this?
AZMAEL: One of Lord Mestor's lackeys.
CHAMBERLAIN: Not quite, Azmael. I am a humble servant of the Lord Mestor. I am his Chamberlain. Welcome to the planet Jaconda. I will inform the Lord Mestor of your safe arrival.
AZMAEL: If you must, do so.
CHAMBERLAIN: It's my duty, he's commanded me.
AZMAEL: Well hurry then. And you too, Noma.
NOMA: No I must remain, I too have been commanded.
AZMAEL: One day you will discover for yourselves that treason is universal. Let it not concern you now. And don't be afraid of what lies in store for us.
(Back to the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: This way. Come along. Ah, there they are. I don't know how old they are, but they tell the whole story. The Queen of Jaconda offended the sun god. This way. He inflicted a terrible revenge. He sent a creature, half humanoid, half slug. This creature's offspring were numberless. They ravaged the planet, the population starved. When he saw what he'd done the sun god relented. He sent a drought which destroyed the slugs. The people of Jaconda survived. That's the story as Azmael related it.
PERI: Now what do you think?
DOCTOR: It was more truth than myth. I think some dormant eggs survived.
PERI: For how long?
DOCTOR: Too long, it seems. Shut off the torch. Listen.
PERI: What is it?
DOCTOR: The sound of giant slugs.
LT HUGO LANG: What a stench!
DOCTOR: Their gastric tracts. Rotting vegetables.
PERI: Or rotting flesh.
LT HUGO LANG: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Whatever is it now?
LT HUGO LANG: I'm ... I'm stuck!
DOCTOR: Oh no, I should have thought of that! Their slime trails harden like concrete, only far faster.
LT HUGO LANG: Well never mind that, just get me out of it, you!
DOCTOR: Easier said than done.
PERI Well we can't leave him here.
LT HUGO LANG: Maybe if I turn my gun down low I can melt the stuff.
DOCTOR: Oh, if you like, but try not to burn your feet off.
(To Azmael.)
MESTOR: So these are your prodigies. They seem quite insignificant.
AZMAEL: Their brains are not.
MESTOR: We shall see. Have you told them why we need them?
AZMAEL: Not in detail. So far they've simply worked to orders.
MESTOR: I suggest that you do tell them. If they know that our purpose is benevolent, they may prove to be less intransigent.
AZMAEL: Very well.
MESTOR: How far advanced are you?
AZMAEL: We need another day.
MESTOR: Very well, I will leave you.
AZMAEL: Mestor. Do not monitor my thoughts.
MESTOR: Why not?
AZMAEL: It interferes with my concentration.
MESTOR: They may be treasonable thoughts.
AZMAEL: There can be no treason without fellow conspirators, and aI have none. You control the minds of all my most faithful subjects.
MESTOR: I do not trust you.
AZMAEL: A mistake, Mestor. The last hope for my people is the success of this undertaking. I wouldn't allow my personal loathing for you to interfere with that.
MESTOR: Very well.
AZMAEL: Remove Noma, too.
NOMA: Master.
MESTOR: Until your work is done.
AZMAEL: They don't trust you, either, that's why they've left you here, to see the measure of your treachery.
DRAK: But I'm not a traitor.
AZMAEL: True, but I believe they think you are my friend.
DRAK: I would value your friendship.
AZMAEL It could cost you your life.
DRAK: I could think of worse reasons for dying.
AZMAEL: Thank you. Now. Pay attention. That is our sun, that is Jaconda. Those are two lesser planets. Now I once ruled Jaconda, but now Mestor has usurped me. His kind takes all and gives nothing, there is nothing left for my people.
REMUS: What are we supposed to do?
AZMAEL: Help me to provide the only possible solution.
ROMULUS: You'd better tell us what it is.
AZMAEL: We need new sources of supply. And we're going to bring those two planets into orbit around Jaconda.
TWINS: What?
AZMAEL: Oh yes. And then they will have the same atmospheres and climates, they will be the larders of Jaconda. Everything is in readiness. All we lack is what you two possess, that mathematical delicacy that will stabilise those two planets in their new orbit.
(Back to the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Now, let me see. We follow this passage to the end, flight of steps up to the palace hall, doorway at the left just up at the top. Yes, that's it. Private doorway into the back of his laboratory. That's where he's bound to be.
PERI: Who?
DOCTOR: What?
PERI: Who will be there?
DOCTOR: Me. Once I can get away from this fool. Will you hurry up?
LT HUGO LANG: I'm doing the best I can.
DOCTOR: Well it's not good enough! Look what you've done you stupid girl, you've ruined everything!
PERI: It wasn't my fault!
DOCTOR: Of course it was your fault, sheer carelessness! Switching off that torch when you did, don't argue with me!
PERI: I will! I'm not letting a manic depressive paranoid personality like you shut me up!
DOCTOR: Manic depressive! Me!
PERI: Well can't you hear yourself? You're having another of your fits!
DOCTOR: Right that's it, I'm off!
LT HUGO LANG Calm down, Doctor!
DOCTOR: Calm down? Calm da, calm down? The fate of a whole planet hanging in the balance and he tells me to calm down.
LT HUGO LANG: Look, I'll be free in a moment.
DOCTOR: Oh, fend for yourselves! PERI Oh, Doctor!
LT HUGO LANG: Don't waste your breath, we'll manage.
(Back to Azmael.)
AZMAEL: Everything is controlled from this panel. When the information you provide has been fed into the computer, we shall operate this switch.
REMUS: What happens if we refuse to help?
AZMAEL: Then I shall have to kill you! I've already told you that this is the only way we can save my people.
ROMULUS: Aren't you forgetting the consequence of what you're asking!
AZMAEL: Look, everything has been considered, how many times must I tell you!
REMUS: He's mad.
REMUS: Quite mad.
ROMULUS: Azmael! Edgeworth!
DOCTOR (OUTSIDE): We won't do it!
TWINS: You'll do as I tell you!
AZMAEL: Still bullying children, eh?
(He enters.)
DOCTOR: Villain! Murderer!
DOCTOR: Doctor!
AZMAEL: (shouts something)
DOCTOR: That's enough, Doctor!
AZMAEL:
DOCTOR: I apologize. However I still would like to know why you tried to murder us.
DRAK: He didn't.
ROMULUS: He didn't know.
REMUS: It was Noma.
AZMAEL: Look, I can't believe it. How did you escape?
DOCTOR: That doesn't matter now. I think you better tell me what's going on here.
(Back to Peri.)
PERI: Pity about your boot.
LT HUGO LANG: Never mind. Where to now?
PERI: Find the Doctor.
LT HUGO LANG: Right.
(To Mestor.)
PERI: No! No! Hugo! No! No! No! No!
MESTOR: Who are these aliens on Titan Three?
NOMA: A Time Lord and an earth girl.
MESTOR: And Azmael would have let them live?
NOMA: Yes.
MESTOR: But now he knows them to be dead.
NOMA: He does, I told him so.
MESTOR: You have done well, Noma.
NOMA: No more than is my duty.
MESTOR: What have we here?
NOMA: Impossible! She must have died!
MESTOR: Is this the earth girl you say you killed? It seems you have not done so well after all. Where did you find her?
JACONDAN GUARD: In a passage underneath the palace.
MESTOR: Alone?
JACONDAN GUARD: There was another with her. We left him half dead.
MESTOR: This is a dangerous complication. Fetch him to me. At once! At once!
(To Azmael and Doctor.)
AZMAEL: That is the plan. Now what is your opinion?
DOCTOR: You really intend to put it into operation? You know what'll happen, don't you?
ROMULUS: We've already told him.
AZMAEL The risks must be taken.
DOCTOR: This is not a risk, Azmael, this is doomsday! One tiny error in your calculation you'll blow a small hole in the universe.
LT HUGO LANG: Doctor! Doctor, they've got Peri!
DOCTOR: Peri? Peri!
AZMAEL: Stop him!
DOCTOR: No, leave me, I must go to her!
AZMAEL: And tell Mestor everything and condemn my plan to certain death?
DOCTOR: But I must help her!
AZMAEL: No, Doctor, if necessary she must die.
DOCTOR: No. Peri! | |
doc_325 | Michael: Jim, could you come in here please?
Harvey: Hi, Jim.
Jim: Hello.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim: Yeah, you can.
Michael: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim: For this?
Michael: Pam.
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Pam: Great.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael: Oh, that is gross.
Pam: Who is 'Long Tim'?
Michael: Damn it.
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?
Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim: Yeah. Right?
Pam: Yeah.
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.
Jim: Ok.
Pam: Ok. Bye Harvey.
Harvey: Boobs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kevin: Angela.
Angela: What?
Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela: They arrived this morning.
Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal.
Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Kevin: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk]
Dwight: Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Angela: Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.
Andy: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?
Michael: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.
Michael: Oh.
Andy: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Michael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.
Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Michael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.
Karen: Oh, uh, thanks.
Michael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
Stanley: Pass.
Michael: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.
Stanley: ... I'll take the kid.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?
Jim: Yup. I'll trade.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.
Michael: Dwight?
Dwight: Yup?
Michael: Here ya go. [throws laundry]
Dwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Michael: Please.
Andy: He does your laundry?
Michael: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen: Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.
Ryan: Is there a prize?
Michael: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis: Then how is this "Amazing Race"?
Michael: It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.
Dwight: Come on!!
Phyllis: Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.]
Michael: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Andy: Bueno.
Phyllis: Do you have a pole?
Karen: Let's go get a broom.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?
Dwight: Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Here we go.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Michael: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Andy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?
Pam: Really?
Angela: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun.
Pam: Ok. Sure.
Angela: Ok.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon?
Phyllis: Um-hmmm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?
Stanley: You want the lead?
Ryan: Yeah, if you don't mind.
Stanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Leave the keys.
Jim: You still do that thing?
Dwight: Leave the keys!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?
Michael: Hawkman.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons.
Michael: [Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: After you sir.
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.
Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
Angela: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.
Pam: That's great.
Angela: Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?
Buyer: Yep.
Michael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.
Andy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once.
Michael: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.
Andy: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.
Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.
Michael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Andy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.
Michael: No.
Andy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.
Michael: Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it.
Andy: Ow.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [excited] This is Pam. I did?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Oh man. Talk about your classic "Lame dash O." Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
Michael: Yes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up.
Michael: Ah, no. Don't worry about it.
Andy: I really 'Schruted' it.
Michael: What?
Andy: 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Phyllis: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny.
Karen: Yeah, thank you.
Phyllis: Hey, how's Annie?
Kenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Julius: Stanley Hudson.
Stanley: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?
Julius: Great, great, great.
Guy: Stanley.
Stanley: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Ryan: Hi.
Stanley: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ryan: Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
Ryan: Oh...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.
Man: 'Kay. 'Kay.
Dwight: Can I use your phone?
Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Dwight: Thanks.
Jim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.
Dwight: [On Phone] One...
Jim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges...
Dwight: Three...
Jim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need...
Dwight: Seven...
Jim: We can custom make them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today.
Kevin: How much did you win?
Pam: $100.
Kevin: I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.
Pam: Cool. Congratulations.
Kevin: Thanks, so sweet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Stanley: Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Man: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.
Dwight: Sure.
Jim: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Man: It's very.
Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.
Dwight: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.
Jim: [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Kelly: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Jim: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Kelly: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up]
Dwight: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.
Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal.
Jim: Thanks.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Pam: Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest.
Angela: That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.
Pam: Oh.
Angela: I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.
Pam: Oh?
Angela: Mmm-hmm.
Pam: Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand.
Angela: Well then. Have a nice day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Thanks. That was fun.
Phyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.
Karen: Thank you.
Phyllis: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.
Karen: That's nice.
Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Hey boss. Got a minute?
Michael: Yes, Andy.
Andy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael: He didn't say.
Andy: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Michael: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.
Jim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.
Dwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
Jim: We should go on a double date.
Dwight: No thank you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jan: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax. Not yours, Inc."
Michael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]
Andy: Oh, doggie.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?
Jim: Sure. Look at you!
Karen: Yeah.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[ Newpeat Quote ]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Beesley, coffee?
Pam: No, thanks. I had some already.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Oh, but, hey, Jim.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: I won an art contest today.
Jim: No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five]
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Which one was it?
Pam: I sent in one of my watercolors.
Jim: Cool.
Pam: It was the new one I did.
Jim: Oh
Karen: You ready Jim?
Jim: Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Congratulations.
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: Big deal.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Hey, we nailed the sale!
Michael: Where were you this morning?
Dwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.
Michael: Why do you lie, liar?
Dwight: I am not a liar.
Michael: You are lying right now.
Andy: It sure seems like he is lying.
Dwight: Stay out of this, you!
Michael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.
Dwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: It's going to be ok.
Angela: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Dwight: Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Karen: So, let me ask you a question.
Jim: Ok.
Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?
Karen: I moved here from Connecticut...
Jim: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?
Karen: 'Kay.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.
Michael: Good luck.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Angela: Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Dwight: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Jim: Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves]
Karen: What happened on your sales call?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Andy: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good. | |
doc_326 | BLACK SCREEN: Previously On
GIBBS: (V.O.) Previously on NCIS. MUSIC IN:
EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY
(BEGIN FLASHBACK SCENES)
ARI: Sorry, Caitlin.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: Ari!
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: I found Ari's sniper's nest, Boss. Didn't police his brass.
(SCENE CUT)
KATE: I'm dead now, Ducky. Shouldn't be. I could have killed Ari right here.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: Are you okay?
ABBY: Yeah.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: His sniping Abby means he's after my people.
(SCENE CUT)
MORROW: I've been offered a Deputy Director's position with Homeland Security.
GIBBS: Well who will be replacing you, Sir?
SHEPARD: Hello, Jethro.
(SCENE CUT)
SHEPARD: On the job it is Director Shepard or Ma'am.
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: I'm here to see Special Agent Gibbs.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: You first.
TONY: Ziva David. Mossad. She's here to stop you from whacking Ari.
GIBBS: Director Jenny Sheppard, same mission.
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: Ari Haswari is a Mossad operative undercover in Hamas. He hasn't turned on us or you.
(SCENE CUT)
ARI: (IN HEBREW) Do you have the passport and money?
(SCENE CUT)
ZIVA: (IN HEBREW) Yes.
(SCENE CUT)
ARI: (IN HEBREW) Use the drop.
(SCENE CUT)
ARI: (INTO PHONE) Doctor Mallard, I want to prove I didn't kill Caitlin.
(SCENE CUT)
DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) By taking Gerald hostage?
ARI: (V.O./FILTERED) Gerald is free to go.
(SCENE CUT)
ARI: (INTO PHONE) Come alone, and you can exchange places.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/DUCKY WALKS IN THE STREET)
(MUSIC OUT)
(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - FLASHBACK
GERALD: You shouldn't have come, Doctor.
DUCKY: Couldn't let the b*st*rd put a bullet in your good shoulder or you'd never return to work. Do you have your cell phone?
GERALD: Ari took it.
DUCKY: Keep walking. Don't turn back until you're behind the wheel. Where is Ari?
GERALD: In the back seat.
DUCKY: Well, when I reach your car, I'll lean in through the open window. That's your cue to drive off, fast!
GERALD: Doctor Mallard...
DUCKY: Go straight to NCIS. Tell Gibbs everything that's happened.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
DUCKY: (RECORDED VOICE) You've reached Doctor Donald Mallard. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
(SFX: BEEP TONE)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I said no one was to leave the building!
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Ducky, please call, okay? We're really worried--
GIBBS: (LOUDLY INTO PHONE) No one includes you, Doctor Mallard!
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) We're worried including Gibbs.... or he wouldn't be yelling. (TO GIBBS) Look Gibbs, it's not Ducky's fault, okay? He probably did Kate's autopsy on auto pilot and then just drove himself home the same way.
MCGEE: Boss! An outside call came into autopsy twenty three minutes ago. I'm tracing the number!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GERALD RUSHES TO THE MORGAN/ DUCKY WALKS TO ARI'S CAR)
(GERALD CLIMBS IN AND OUT OF THE CAR)
ARI: You look surprised.
DUCKY: I expected to be shot.
ARI: Doctor, please. I would never harm a fellow physician.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GERALD ATTEMPTS TO DRIVE THE MORGAN)
DUCKY: (SHOUTS) Use the clutch! Good God, man!! Use the clutch! You're stripping the gears!(SFX: GEARS GRINDING B.G.)
ARI: This is too painful, Doctor.
DUCKY: (SHOUTS) Gerald, turn it off!
ARI: Obviously Gerald does not have an intimate relationship with a standard transmission.
DUCKY: Unbelievable.
ARI: The price of growing up in America. That was so unnecessary, Doctor. Gerald is free to leave... in his own car.
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
MCGEE: Boss, that call came from Gerald Jackson's cell phone!
ABBY: I'd almost forgot about Gerald.
MCGEE: He's been in rehab a year.
ABBY: Maybe he heard about Kate and he called Ducky.
MCGEE: They're in a pub somewhere consoling each other.
ABBY: Yes!
GIBBS: I don't like it.
ABBY: Why?
MCGEE: (OVERLAP) Why?
GIBBS: I don't need a reason why!
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
ARI: Did you buy it in such pristine condition?
DUCKY: God, no. The frame had severe termite damage.
ARI: That's right. The Morgan has a wood frame.
DUCKY: Mm-hmm. The top was in rags. The body dented. The rocker panels rusted out. It was a disgrace.
ARI: Who did the restoration?
DUCKY: I did.
ARI: Of course you did.
DUCKY: Do you doubt me?
ARI: Not at all, Doctor. I was thinking of the irony. That hands so skilled at dissecting the dead are also capable of restoring life... at least to a machine.
DUCKY: What do you want, Ari?
ARI: A test drive.
(PHONE RINGS)
ARI: Now who at NCIS could be calling Gerald at this hour? Hmm? Oh well... Gerald is sure to arrive there shortly. Doctor? Oh, your cell phone. Now buckle up, Doctor. It's a dangerous night.
(SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
MCGEE: I'm getting voice mail.
ABBY: They probably can't hear their phones because they're in a pub.
MCGEE: Do you want to leave a message?
GIBBS: No. Get a GPS fix.(BEAT) Snap it up, McGee!
MCGEE: One second, Boss. Got it.
GIBBS: Georgetown. Olive and Twenty-ninth. I know that street. That's mostly residential. Locate Ducky's cell.
ABBY: See. They're together.
GIBBS: There's no pub there.
ABBY: Well maybe Gerald lives there.
MCGEE: That's negative. He lives on Peabody.
ABBY: So they're parked. They're talking.
MCGEE: Want me to go with you, Boss?
GIBBS: No. Tony's out. Stay here with Abby.
ABBY: For nobody leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SWIMMING POOL - NIGHT
(MUSIC PLAYS B.G.)
KATE: Why don't you visualize her naked? Does she intimidate you?
TONY: A woman hasn't been born yet who can intimidate Anthony DiNozzo.
KATE: You're forgetting your mother.
TONY: Mothers don't count.
KATE: And that lawyer. Marla?
TONY: Divorce attorney. Worse than mothers.
KATE: Well, Ziva's not your mother. She's not a divorce lawyer. She definitely intimidates you.
TONY: Does not.
KATE: Does too.
TONY: Does not.
KATE: Does too.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. GEORGETOWN STREET - NIGHT
(SFX: RAIN FALLING B.G.)
GIBBS: Okay, where are they now?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Same place, Boss.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Olive and Twenty ninth.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Get a fix on my cell.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Okay.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) You're right on top of them!
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Damn it, McGee! They are not here!
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) They have to be, Boss.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. Is there a pub?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) No!
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) There is no pub! No people - there are no cars!
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Okay, I was just checking.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How accurate is this fix, McGee?
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Within twenty five meters.
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/
KATE: It's going to happen again, isn't it? Ducky's going to take a bullet for you.
GIBBS: He won't kill Ducky.
KATE: Why not? Because you couldn't live with the guilt? Maybe Ari knows that. Maybe that's his plan. Maybe the only way to save Ducky, Abby, and McGee is to kill yourself.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES/ CELL PHONE RING TONE)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
(PHONE RINGS)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Special Agent McGee.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I found Ducky and Gerald's cell phone in the park.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Why would they leave their cell phones in the park?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) They wouldn't McGee!
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Do you want me to come down there?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) If I wanted you to....
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... come down here, I would have told you so. Put a BOLO out on Ducky's Morgan. Get his license plate from his file.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, Ari has Gerald and Ducky.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) They're not dead, Abs.
(SCENE CUT)
ABBY: (INTO PHONE) How do you know?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Because Ari dumped their cell phones in the park, not their bodies.
(SCENE CUT)
MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Ah... Boss? Gerald's here.
GERALD: Ari's got....
(SCENE CUT)
GERALD: (V.O./FILTERED) ...Doctor Mallard.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How'd you get away?!
GERALD: (V.O./FILTERED) I didn't.
(SCENE CUT)
GERALD: (INTO PHONE) Ari let me go.
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SWIMMING POOL HOUSE - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY SEARCHES THE POCKET)
DANA: Excuse me. May I?
TONY: You certainly may.
(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
GERALD: I've never driven a stick.
ABBY: Are you serious?
MCGEE: What? You can drive a stick?
ABBY: Yeah, since I was like ten.
GERALD: What were you driving when you were ten?
ABBY: A red forty-seven Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.
MCGEE: Bubba?
ABBY: Ah, best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I don't believe in coincidences, Tony.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) I know, Boss.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (V.O./FILTERED/MUFFLED) You've beat that into me.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Haven't I beat that into you?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) That's what I said.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) What did you say?
TONY: (INTO PHONE) I said the reception sucks!
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Stay with them. I'm on my way.
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) What if they split up?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What about your gut?
(SCENE CUT)
TONY: (INTO PHONE) It wants a pizza. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
GIBBS: Oh, god. What do we have?
MCGEE: Ari picked up Gerald to force Ducky into a meet.
GIBBS: You warn him?
GERALD: I did. But you know Doctor Mallard. He came anyway.
GIBBS: It's not your fault, Gerald. Ari's the b*st*rd. Ducky made the decision to go, not you. Debrief him. Write it up. I'll be with Tony at the Embassy Hotel.
ABBY: Um, Tony's at the Embasero.
GIBBS: Why did he say the Embassy?
ABBY: Cell phone garble.
GIBBS: All right, from now on everyone is using phonetics, like we did in the Corps.
ABBY: Um... golf-India-bravo-bravo-sierra. Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out here with nothing to do.
GIBBS: Okay, but don't leave...
ABBY: Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo. Yankee. Echo.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. POOL HOUSE - NIGHT
DANA: Mind if I join you?
ZIVA: One more lap and you'll have it all to yourself.
DANA: How's the water?
ZIVA: Lovely. Have a nice swim.
DANA: Thank you.(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY TAKES PICTURES)
(ZIVA WALKS FROM THE POOL HOUSE/TONY WATCHES DANA)
TONY: (SOFTLY) They're switching robes.(TONY RUSHES TO THE ROBE AND SEARCHES THE POCKET)
DANA: Hey! What are you doing?
TONY: Going for a swim.
DANA: There's a locker room.
TONY: I'm fine.
DANA: Where's your swimsuit?
TONY: Don't have one.
DANA: I should call security.
TONY: You didn't see the sign.
DANA: What sign?
TONY: I must have been blocking it. Uh... remember I was waiting outside and you wanted to come in?
DANA: Oh, I remember.
TONY: The Hackensack Nudist Society. From ten twenty seven until eleven fifty one the pool is ours. And it's our third annual convention. Here's Agnes and Agnew right now. He's our President and Agnes is our social secretary. Hey guys. You look funny with clothes on.
DANA: Inventive. Funny even. But I'm married.
TONY: So am I!(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Boss, can you hear me?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Across the street.
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Boss?
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah!
TONY: (INTO PHONE) Gotcha.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - NIGHT
TONY: Ziva slipped a phony French passport and some cash (SNIFFS) to the woman with the Star of David (SNIFFS) I told you about. I love you, Boss.
GIBBS: How do you know the passport's a phony?
TONY: Ari's photo, but not his name?
GIBBS: What name's he using?
TONY: Aren't you curious to know how I got it?
GIBBS: I assume you improvised like a good agent should.
TONY: But what an improv! I swear to God I could get a gig on SNL. Okay, dig this. I pretend like I'm this real goofy guy trying to get--
GIBBS: You pretended?
TONY: That hurt, boss.
GIBBS: What's the name?
TONY: Well....
GIBBS: The name?
TONY: René Saurel. (SPELLS) S.A.U.R.E.L.
GIBBS: Description?
TONY: All I saw was the name and the photo.
GIBBS: The woman?
TONY: About five foot nine, dark hair, blue and white jogging outfit. Big gym bag. Real pretty girl. Looked enough like Ziva to be her sister. Real pretty.
GIBBS: Maybe she is. Mossad's like the Mafia. One big happy family. (INTO PHONE) Hey, McGee. I've got a passport alert. Ari is traveling with a French passport under an alias, René Saurel. Sierra. Alpha. Uniform. Romeo. Echo. Lima.
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay, what alert category?
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Terrorism!
MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) On it.
TONY: That ought to get Custom's attention.
GIBBS: Well, let's make sure he doesn't get that far.
TONY: Boss, that's her.
GIBBS: Stay with Ziva.
TONY: What if this girl's meeting Ari? I mean, you're going to need backup. Let me rephrase that.
GIBBS: Out!
TONY: (V.O.) Thanks for the pizza, boss!
GIBBS: Thank the night shift. I swiped it from them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS FOLLOWS THE TAXI CAB)
(GIBBS BRAKES TO A STOP)
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Ari! Get out, Ari!
DUCKY: Good grief, Jethro. Put that weapon down. I've had enough excitement for tonight. Ari abducts me. Gerald strips my gears. And now you play chicken on a wet street.
GIBBS: Where's Ari?
DUCKY: Well gone I imagine. We were parked about ... well, a ways back. He received a cell phone call and then told me to drive down the street for ten minutes.
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) McGee! Congress Cab number seventeen picked up a female fare at the Embasero Hotel ten minutes ago. If he's en route, I need his twenty. If he's dropped his fare, then get me an address. And take the BOLO off Ducky's Morgan. He's safe.
DUCKY: Our paths didn't cross by accident.
GIBBS: Ari's cell call came from that woman in that cab I was tailing.
DUCKY: He sent me down this street so that you would run into me.
GIBBS: Yeah! A cab keeps going. Picks him up. They're gone!
DUCKY: Ari abducts me to get you off her tail.
GIBBS: Maybe. What'd you talk about?
DUCKY: Well, my Morgan for a while. He was surprisingly knowledgeable. Then Edinburgh Medical School. Yeah, we were both alumni. A few decades apart...
GIBBS: Anything important, Ducky?
DUCKY: He swore he didn't kill Caitlin. Made a very logical and passionate defense.
GIBBS: You believe him?
DUCKY: He was very persuasive. Said he knows you'll never believe him.
GIBBS: He's right about that.
DUCKY: (OVERLAP) And that it's a shame that one of you has to die. He's arrogantly confident that it won't be him. But said on the off chance that it is, to keep looking for Caitlin's killer.
GIBBS: He's a slick b*st*rd, Duck. But he's right. One of us is going to die.
DUCKY: Jethro! Jethro!
(SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH)
(GIBBS DRIVES O.S.)
(FADE OUT)
MUSIC IN:
EXT. HOTEL - RAINING
ZIVA: Espresso? Take it. It's not a bribe.
TONY: How long have you known I was...
ZIVA: Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.
TONY: I don't think so.
ZIVA: Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on...
TONY: Okay. You knew.
ZIVA: Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.
TONY: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.
ZIVA: Our training?
TONY: Modesty.
ZIVA: Um... there's a slice in there. (BEAT) Toda.
TONY: Prego.
ZIVA: I lost my little sister, Tali, in a Hamas suicide bombing. She was sixteen and the best of us. Tali had compassion.
TONY: I'm sorry.
ZIVA: After Tali's death I was like Gibbs. All I wanted was revenge.
TONY: Is that why you joined Mossad?
ZIVA: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...
TONY: Family tradition?
ZIVA: Israeli sense of duty.
TONY: So come on. Who recruited you? Your father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
ZIVA: Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.
TONY: You're good. You almost got me off the question. Almost.
ZIVA: I volunteered. Laila Tov.
TONY: Buona notte.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
(SFX: CABINET DRAWER OPENS)
KATE: (V.O.) Why haven't you come down to see me yet? (ON CAMERA) If you don't peek at the back of my head, I'll just look like I'm asleep. (SIGHS) I'm so lonely I'd even welcome a visit from Tony.
ABBY: McGee! Didn't Tony match the tire tracks to a Chevy Suburban?
MCGEE: Uh, yeah. Bridgestone Duelers. Factory issue. Uh, what are you doing?
ABBY: We caught a break. N-O-R orbited a new Keyhole. They're doing calibration tests using the seventh hole of the Norfolk Naval golf course.
MCGEE: Why the seventh hole?
ABBY: See? That's why I dig you, McGee. You think specific. Whatever the reason, we are grateful because that orbit took the Keyhole over Newport News! I inputted the warehouse coordinates...
MCGEE: That's the rooftop! That's me... Tony, Gibbs, Kate.
ABBY: Is that the building where Ari's sniper nest was?
MCGEE: It is. Ari's not there.
ABBY: What do you expect? A video of him shooting?
MCGEE: Well, I was hoping.
ABBY: Only in flicks, McGee.
MCGEE: Okay, then why are you so excited?
ABBY: I don't know. Maybe it's being alone with you on a rainy night.
MCGEE: Abby...
ABBY: Oh, look! Could it be? A black Chevy Suburban driving down the alleyway.
MCGEE: Uh... can you read the license plate?
ABBY: That depends more on angle than resolution.
(SFX: KEYBOARDING)
ABBY: It's not a dress, McGee. You can't look up it to see what you want. Ha! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, McGee!
MCGEE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've got to put a BOLO out on the plate.
ABBY: We did good, huh?
MCGEE: You did great.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS WATCHES THE APARTMENT)
(PHONE RINGS)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. Slow down, McGee. Take a breath. Start with the address. Seven, two, four, tango, Julia, alpha. Got it.
(SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES)
(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
(SCENE CUT)
(PHONE RINGS)
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) Shepard.
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) I need a partner for the night. You up for it?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Jen?
(SCENE CUT)
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) Jethro, don't you know any other women?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) None I can call for backup. You didn't think I meant...
(SCENE CUT)
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) That's what you have a whole team of agents for.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, McGee's on protection duty with Abby.
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) DiNozzo's tailing Ziva. And since I lost...
SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo's what?
(SCENE CUT)
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) He's tailing Ziva.
SHEPARD: (V.O./FILTERED) Well where are you?
GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Outside!
(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. CAR - MOVING
SHEPARD: What are the chances that Ari is still at this house?
GIBBS: Zero. Ducky was a diversion so your friend Ziva could pass cash and documents to him.
SHEPARD: Ziva's a control officer doing her job. You'd do the same if the roles were reversed.
GIBBS: She's using you, Jen!
SHEPARD: And I'm using her. A half dozen Hamas suicide bombers will not be blowing up our boys in Iraq because of Ziva.
GIBBS: She's Metsada, isn't she?
SHEPARD: The Mossad code name for that division is Komemiute.
GIBBS: Whatever they name it, they specialize in assassinations.
SHEPARD: Excuse me. Weren't you a Marine sniper?
GIBBS: If I have to go through your friend to get Ari, I will.
SHEPARD: Ziva knows that.
GIBBS: You really do like her.
SHEPARD: She's damn good. And I owe her. She saved my life in Cairo two years ago.
(PASSAGE OF TIME)
SHEPARD: I can't believe this. I've been Director less than twenty four hours and I'm back on the street.
GIBBS: It's great, isn't it?
SHEPARD: No, Jethro. It isn't.
GIBBS: Come on! Come on! You love it.
SHEPARD: Truthfully? I'd rather be in bed. Sleeping.
GIBBS: Remember that stake out in Marseille? August. Stuck in that attic with no air, photographing everyone who boarded that Lebanese trawler. That second night... that's the first time we--
SHEPARD: Okay. Shut up.
GIBBS: Hand me the binocs. They're underneath the seat.
SHEPARD: What?
GIBBS: That's Ari's SUV.
SHEPARD: (SHOUTS) Shooter!
(SFX: GUNSHOT/ GLASS BREAKS)
GIBBS: Stay down!
(SFX: GUNSHOTS)
(SFX: GLASS BREAKS)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION)
(SFX: GUNFIRE)
SHEPARD: I expected Haswari to be older.
GIBBS: He is.
(MUSIC OUT)
MUSIC IN:
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY
DUCKY: (V.O.) Gunshot number three is located under the right clavicle. Appears to be a distant wound from the absence of sooting and stippling. Gunshot number four is located six centimeters to the left. (ON CAMERA) Appears to be a distant wound from the absence of sooting and stippling.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. NCIS GARAGE - NIGHT
MCGEE: It is a miracle, Boss. He was shooting to kill her, not you. Just like he did with Kate and Abby. It's funny how he always went after women. (V.O.) Not that I'm implying he should have shot at you rather than...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - NIGHT
ABBY: (OVERLAP) You're not going to like this Gibbs. All the three oh eight full metal jacket rounds recovered from the shooting came from this Bravo Fifty-One rifle dropped by the sniper you shot last night.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT
TONY: (OVERLAP) ...Two years ago. Mohamed Esfiri was a homegrown terrorist. Born in Cleveland. He was an ardent follower of radical Imam who promised martyrdom to all who died in the Jihad...
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD - NIGHT
SHEPARD: (OVERLAP) ... Since Miss Sciuto has confirmed that the sniper rifle we recovered last night was the weapon used to murder Special Agent Todd, and with no evidence to the contrary, it appears that Mohamed Esfiri was the sniper. I believe it's safe for your team to go home, Gibbs. Special Agent Todd's funeral is in Indiana tomorrow afternoon. SecNav has offered us his private jet to fly us there. Go home. Get some rest.
(ALL WALK O.S.)
SHEPARD: What about you, Jethro?
GIBBS: Mohamed didn't kill Kate. He didn't shoot at Abby.
SHEPARD: You are not infallible, Jethro, no matter what your gut is telling you. Ari isn't trying to kill you, but this obsession might.
GIBBS: Hey, Jen?
SHEPARD: What?
GIBBS: Why did he only shoot at your side of the car last night?
SHEPARD: I suppose you were right. He was trying to kill women who work with you.
GIBBS: How did he know you were in the car? I called you at the spur of the moment. I parked in the dark. He couldn't see through our windshield even with a scope. That guy was sent to die, not to kill.
SHEPARD: No. No one's going to do that.
GIBBS: Come on, Jen. Hamas suicide bombers blow themselves up all the time. It doesn't matter how a martyr dies as long as it's for the Jihad. Mohamed last night - he died for rivers of honey and seventy-two virgins.
SHEPARD: I'm not saying you're right, but if you are, how do we prove it?(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)
GIBBS: We? Did you just join my side?
SHEPARD: Jethro, I've always been on your side. What do we do?
GIBBS: Kill Ari before he kills me.
(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE CLOSED)
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/DRAWER SLIDES OPEN/ MCGEE UNCOVERS KATE)
TONY: I told you she looked good. Probie wouldn't believe me, Kate. He thought you'd look like the Return of the Living Dead.
MCGEE: I did not.
TONY: Don't lie to the dead, McGee. Not nice.
MCGEE: I was a little afraid.
TONY: Kid was terrified. But it took a lot of guts to come down here... alone. Showed how much he cared for you.
MCGEE: I really did like you, Kate.... a lot.(DOOR CLOSES)
[SCENE_BREAK]
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
(SFX: RAIN FALLING B.G.)
FORNELL: It's raining, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Uh-huh.
FORNELL: You smell like a wet dog.
GIBBS: Well, there was one here underneath the bench when I got here. I put him in the gazebo.
FORNELL: Why aren't you in the gazebo?
GIBBS: Dog smells like hell.
FORNELL: So why didn't you leave him under... never mind.
GIBBS: If I ask you something, Tobias, are you going to lie to me?
FORNELL: Depends on the question.
GIBBS: What's Ari Haswari's real mission here?
FORNELL: I'm going to lie to you. Mossad lies to the CIA. They lie to us. I lie to you. I don't know who you lie to, being the bottom of the armed Fed Food Chain and not married.
GIBBS: So you don't know.
FORNELL: Correct. I do not know. You ever go to the movies?
GIBBS: I build a boat.
FORNELL: Well, you and that dog are going to need one. Why don't you get out of the rain, Jethro, and go watch a movie!
GIBBS: You have a film in mind?
FORNELL: It's not in theaters anymore. But you can rent a DVD.
GIBBS: Sounds like a good idea. A good thing to do on a rainy afternoon. What's the name of this film?
TONY: (V.O.) The Peacemaker.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY
TONY: George Clooney, Nicole Kidman. Directed by Mimi Leder. Made it in ninety seven. It's a real action flick. Clooney and Kidman have to find a stolen nuclear weapon before it's used by terrorists. I can't believe you never saw it!
ZIVA: Where is Gibbs?
TONY: You know, that's the first question you asked me when we met.
ZIVA: No. The first question was, were you having phone s*x?
SHEPARD: Ziva! Deputy Director David is on teleconference for you.
TONY: Oooh, Deputy Director David? Wouldn't be daddy, would it?
ZIVA: David is a common Israeli name.
TONY: You didn't answer my question.
TONY: Did they lose a nuke, Boss?
GIBBS: According to the Deputy Director, Israel doesn't have nukes.
TONY: Boss?
GIBBS: They have a power plant in Dimona where a small amount of plutonium is missing.
TONY: Hamas is making a bomb?
GIBBS: They have a core. No detonator. Ari was to buy a Krytron trigger. He delivers it to the Hamas cell with the plutonium.
TONY: Mossad grabs him.
GIBBS: Only he's a little behind schedule. They're getting nervous. Deputy Director David is up there right now ordering Ziva to cooperate.
TONY: He her daddy?
GIBBS: No idea. I didn't ask.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. LAB - NIGHT
GIBBS: Do you know why Ari left his brass behind?
ZIVA: You are a broken tape, Gibbs.
TONY: Record. A broken record.
GIBBS: A sniper's brass is like signing your signature. That's why a sniper always polices his brass. Lapua. Three oh eight casing. Boat-tail. Moly-coated full metal jacket bullet.
ZIVA: That's what you shot as a Marine sniper. At Mossad we use Sierra Six point five hollow points.
GIBBS: How do you know what I shot, Miss David?
SHEPARD: She profiled you for Ari.
TONY: Not just the boss. That's how you knew where I was born and went to school.
ZIVA: Ari's missions involved NCIS. As his controller, of course I did dossiers on everyone he might interact with.
SHEPARD: It's S.O.P at Kumemiute.
GIBBS: Director. Abs. Tony. Give me a minute alone with Miss David, please?
(ALL WALK O.S.)
GIBBS: You found out about my first wife and my daughter.
ZIVA: Yes. I'm sorry.
GIBBS: Then we know why Ari is shooting at women then, don't we?
ZIVA: If he wanted you to know he is the sniper, why didn't he use your rifle? An M-Forty?
GIBBS: The Bravo Fifty-one he fired is called a "Kate!"
ZIVA: I still don't believe Ari is the sniper. What you have said should be investigated.
GIBBS: Well, when the media gets wind of this, it's going to create a furor.
ZIVA: Are you threatening to go to the media?
GIBBS: No, not me. This could stay between Mossad and NCIS.
ZIVA: In exchange for what? Setting up Ari for you to kill?
GIBBS: No. Setting me up for Ari. And if I'm wrong about this, he won't show up.
ZIVA: And if you're right?
GIBBS: Then I'm counting on you to back me up.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
ARI: Are you looking for this, Jethro? I want you to know I wish I hadn't had to shoot Caitlin.
GIBBS: Why did you?
ARI: To cause you pain.
GIBBS: I piss you off that much?
ARI: Not you. My father. You have the misfortune of reminding me of the b*st*rd.
GIBBS: Ah, he didn't marry your mother, huh?
ARI: That's what makes me a b*st*rd, not him. From the moment of my birth, he groomed me to be one thing... his mole in Hamas. He sent me to Edinburgh to become a doctor so I could work in the Gaza camps alongside my mother. When he had her killed, I had no trouble joining the Iz Adin al-Kassam.
GIBBS: You don't really believe your father had your mother killed?
ARI: It was a retaliatory Israeli strike on a day I was in Tel Aviv... visiting him. After decades of planning, he had his mole in Hamas. He never knew how much I hated him. I wish I could see his face when he realizes he created not a mole but a monster eager to strike at the heart of Mossad and Israel.
GIBBS: Yeah, I almost feel sorry for you.
ARI: And I for you. When Ziva told me you were placing flowers on the roof where Caitlin died, I couldn't believe it. Such a romantic touch. Almost too good to pass up. Almost.
GIBBS: Why did you?
ARI: I need you to commit suicide with your own rifle. You never did give me enough credit in our game. I knew it was a trap before Ziva told me you asked her to cover you. You'd never trust Ziva. And you need to kill me to taste the sweetness of revenge.
GIBBS: I've killed enough men in my life, Ari. It's going to be just sweet watching you die.
ARI: Sorry to spoil your--
(SFX: GUNSHOT)
(ARI FALLS TO THE GROUND)
GIBBS: His father is a Deputy Director in Mossad?
ZIVA: Yes.
GIBBS: Not David?
ZIVA: Yes. He's my half brother.(GIBBS WALKS O.S.)
(ZIVA SINGS IN HEBREW)
MUSICAL BRIDGE TO:
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
(INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES OF KATE/TONY/ABBY/MCGEE)
GIBBS: I was afraid I wasn't going to make it.
SHEPARD: Ari?
GIBBS: Ziva's escorting his body to Tel Aviv.
(ALL PLACE FLOWERS ON THE COFFIN)
KATE: You're late for my funeral, Gibbs.
GIBBS: Sorry, Kate.
ABBY: Do you mind if I play something for Kate?
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL WALK FROM THE GRAVE)
(CUT TO BLACK) | |
doc_327 | In the gymnasium during tryouts
Kendra: Over here Liberty! Pass!
(Ms Hatzilakos is watching the girls and jotting down notes when Kendra scores.)
Kendra: Yes!
Ms. Hatzilakos: Great stuff girls. Bring it in. Alright the final roster will be posted tomorrow. Not everyone made the cut, but today I was really impressed with all your effort. Good stuff everyone.
(Everyone starts to leave.)
Emma: You ready?
Liberty: Yeah.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Uh Liberty nice effort out there.
Liberty: I was pleased with my stick handling, though my scoring could have been better.
Ms. Hatzilakos: You didn't score.
Liberty: We'll need to work on that if I'm gonna lead our team to victory.
Ms. Hatzilakos: I know how much this means to you, but I'm sorry Liberty you didn't make the cut.
Liberty: There must be a mistake. I've never lost anything in my life.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Well you haven't lost because I do want you on the team.
Liberty: To do what?
Ms. Hatzilakos: The role of team manager. This team really needs you.
Liberty: The team needs me, then I'm there.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Great.
In the hallway, the roster has been posted
Manny: Awesome I made it.
Kendra: Great. Now for the initiation.
Manny: Initiation?
(Kendra and Emma start spraying Manny with silly string when Liberty walks over.)
Liberty: Congratulations one and all.
Emma: Thanks. Sorry you didn't make the team.
Manny: But you're manager. That's good.
Liberty: That's great and believe me I'm gonna keep you girls in line.
In history class
Teacher: The outline for your essay is strong and thought-provoking.
Liberty: Napoleon was fascinating. I only hope my essay does him justice.
Teacher: I'm sure it will. You always accomplish what you set out to do.
Liberty: Not always, but thank you sir. In a classroom
Terri: A strong fate line means you know what you want to do.
Hazel: But my lifeline's so faint.
Terri: Your quest for meaning will be an eternal one.
Ashley: Didn't you learn anything last year about playing with dark magic?
Paige: Wow. Déjà vu. Freaky occult and Ash freaking out.
Ashley: You have to have a little respect.
Paige: And I have to have a little fun, so Ter, read the palm.
(Terri starts looking at Paige's palm and stops suddenly.)
Paige: What's it say mystic oracle?
Terri: It's, it's great. Your palm's perfect.
Paige: Um hon. I was kind of looking for a reading.
Mr. Armstrong: Morning class. Let's open our textbooks to chapter 12, polynomials.
Paige: What do you see Terri?
Mr. Armstrong: I see Paige Michalchuk in detention after school.
Outside the school
Hazel: Ter! You've been avoiding me all day.
Terri: Not you. Paige.
Hazel: Why?
Terri: Your fate line was really faint. Paige's lifeline doesn't exist.
Hazel: Her days are numbered?
Paige: Whose days are numbered? Either you tell me what you saw in my palm or my nails get up close and personal with your face.
Terri: Okay your palm...no lifeline. You're gonna die. In the locker room Liberty is doing the team's laundry
(She has a daydream about her leading the team to victory and everyone is cheering for her.)
Mr. Armstrong: So Liberty, how do you like being team manager?
Liberty: Great. I love it. How come the girls get to wear these ratty things and the boys get uniforms?
Mr. Armstrong: That's because we didn't budget for a girls floor hockey team. We didn't think there would so much interest.
Liberty: You do know boys teams get 80% of the athletics budget.
Mr. Armstrong: That's because there's more boys teams. Money is tight for all teams these days.
Liberty: There must be a way around it. What about fundraisers or sponsorships?
Mr. Armstrong: Sure. That takes a lot of work.
Liberty: Mr. Armstrong, work's my forte and I know exactly where to start.
Outside Joey's house
Liberty: Plus you can write the sponsorship off as a tax credit.
Joey: Yes I know, but the boys have already asked me to sponsor their basketball team.
Liberty: They don't need your help Mr. Jeremiah. We do!
Joey: But the Panther's have done awesome all year.
Liberty: Yes and we can too if we get the same full support. Look, say your daughter was on our team. Would you want her wearing this? We need this Mr. Jeremiah.
(She shows him the uniform the girls have to wear.)
Joey: Okay look. I can't sponsor both teams, but I'll think about it okay?
-In the gymnasium-
Liberty: Our New Jersey design.
Manny: Wow. That's awesome Liberty.
Emma: Yeah. That's really good.
Liberty: Thanks. We do have to convince Mr. Jeremiah to sponsor us and not boys basketball, but a minor detail.
Emma: Yeah like the boys need funding.
Ms. Hatzilakos: I know girls you're excited about this, but even with sponsorship we're not gonna win anything unless we practice, okay? So take your positions. We're gonna do passing drills.
(The girls get ready to practice.)
Ms. Hatzilakos: Oh and can you clean the pinnies? They need washing.
Liberty: I just washed them the other day.
Ms. Hatzilakos: I know. They're dirty again. Okay girls come on! Can we focus please!
In the media immersion lab, Hazel and Paige are on the computer
Hazel: Here. In palmistry no one indicator by itself is conclusive.
Paige: Okay.
Hazel: Which hand did she read?
Paige: Um my left.
Hazel: And you're right handed.
Paige: And your point is?
Hazel: You're supposed to read someone's dominant hand. The one you use.
Paige: Hey! I do have a lifeline.
Terri: Here Paige. To express my grief.
(Terri hands Paige flowers.)
Paige: Um thanks.
Terri: Anything I can do for you in your time of need, let me know. Anything.
Hazel: So when are you gonna tell her?
Paige: About my miraculous recovery from the brink of death? Hmm I don't know.
Outside the school
Emma: Liberty we just wanted to say that we really appreciate what you tried to do.
Liberty: Thanks, but Ms. H put me in my rightful place, the laundry room.
Jimmy: Van Zandt, what's up with trying to steal our sponsorship?
Spinner: Yeah. Who cares about girls sports? Except of course mud wrestling.
Jimmy: Look you girls are crazy. Jeremiah's gonna back us because we're a winning team.
Liberty: You really think you're better than us?
Spinner: Uh welcome to the conversation. Yeah.
Liberty: Then prove it. Floor hockey. Girls versus boys.
Manny: Uh Liberty.
Jimmy: Okay. Say um winner gets the sponsorship?
Liberty: And loser does the other team's laundry for a week.
Spinner: Awesome. I sweat like a pig. Outside the school
Ms. Hatzilakos: So whose idea was this again?
(The girls look at Liberty.)
Ms. Hatzilakos: Well I'm not coaching you guys so you can get into a grudge match with the boys over bragging rights.
Liberty: It's not about bragging right. It's about a sponsorship.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Well why gamble for it? Let Mr. Jeremiah decide.
Liberty: He can't so we have to do this.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Look I know this is very important for you, but between school and preparing you girls for the actual competition, I can't help you with this. I'm sorry.
Liberty: But we need a supervisor.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Yes. Yes you do.
Manny: Great. Now who's gonna coach us?
Liberty: I will and I'll lead us to victory like Napoleon in the battle of Leipzig.
In a classroom, Liberty tosses a huge book on the table
Emma: 100 Days To Glory?
Liberty: Our strategy. It outlines what we have to do to win the regionals.
Manny: Yoga. Meditation...and no junk food?
Liberty: To achieve perfection, one must envision perfection. Envision, achieve, win. A simple formula. In the gymnasium, the girls are complaining about Liberty's rules
(Liberty walks in wearing an outfit like Napoleon's and they all stop talking.)
Liberty: Napoleon said if you want authority you must dress the part. I look regal, commanding-
Kendra: Stupid.
(The girls laugh and Liberty blows her whistle.)
Liberty: Silence!
Manny: Liberty I can't practice today. I sort of have my period.
Liberty: Manny a true champion doesn't let a silly, little monthly visitor stand between her and victory.
(Liberty hands Manny a tampon.)
Liberty: Now lets get started. Fall in positions!
In the hallway
Paige: And then I realized I'll never have a driver's license or a senior prom. Ter I am too young to die.
Terri: Don't cry. Can I get you anything?
Paige: Sure and maybe you could even do my book report for Kwan. With all this stress you brought me how am I supposed to concentrate?
Terri: You're right. I'm there. In the gymnasium, Liberty is going over the plays
(Spinner and Jimmy are outside the gym watching the girls and laughing.)
Liberty: You stay on the left wing allowing the fore-checkers to go deep in the offensive zone.
Kendra: What's this play called again?
Liberty: The left wing lock. It limits break out space and forces the opposition's defense to carry the puck or bank it up on the boards. Girls this is child's play.
(Manny starts giggling.)
Liberty: Hey little Ms. Happyface. What's a neutral zone trap, huh?
Manny: I don't know.
Liberty: Page 16. Did you read it? Maybe you don't know how to read!
Manny: Why are you picking on me?
Liberty: Because you're the weakest link.
In the hallway
Liberty: Don't test me Kendra.
Kendra: Why not Napoleon?
Liberty: If you want to win, you players need to pull together.
Kendra: We're not going to win Liberty, not with you barking orders!
Liberty: They're not orders. They're plays.
Kendra: We don't understand them. They're useless, kind of like you as coach.
(Kendra leaves and Liberty sees a boys jock string taped to her locker.)
Liberty: Ew!
[SCENE_BREAK]
In the media immersion room
Terri: Finished.
Paige: Ter your head.
Terri: Oh I get zits when I'm stressed. I just e-mailed your report. I didn't get mine done, but that's okay. I only lose 10%.
Paige: Are you sure? Thanks.
Hazel: Who said dying wasn't any fun?
(Ashley overhears them.)
In the hallway
Ashley: Hey Terri. What's up?
Terri: Trying to figure out when I can get some sleep. Being Terri and Paige is hard work.
Ashley: Can I talk to you about that?
Terri: What?
Ashley: Well let's just say when I tell you, you're gonna want to kill someone who's technically already dying. In the gymnasium
Spinner: Some girls team, eh? What are they doing, putting on their makeup?
(The girls march in.)
Liberty: Closed set. Everybody out.
Spinner: Um it's just a hockey game, Liberty.
Liberty: No Spinner it's your funeral. Last time, out!
(Everyone starts to leave.)
Liberty: You, Panther, scoreboard.
JT: Ai captain!
Liberty: Okay girls remember what Napoleon said. One must know when to leave the skin of a lion to take the skin of a fox
(Nobody says anything.)
Liberty: So get out there and give it to them, right?!
The girls: Right!
(Joey blows his whistle to get the teams ready.)
Joey: You ready? Ready? Let's go!
(They start playing as Liberty watches and JT keeps score.)
Outside Degrassi
Hazel: We should totally go to that movie tonight seeing as your homework's already done.
Paige: And maybe we could even get Terri to pay.
(The girls see Ashley and Terri with a Ouija board.)
Paige: Ashley on a Ouija board?
Ashley: Terri told me the sad news. I thought that we should get a second opinion. Hey Terri wouldn't it work better if Paige was sitting here?
Terri: Yes it would.
Paige: Do I have to do anything?
Terri: No. Just watch and read. Mystic oracle, is it true?
(Terri makes the Ouija pointer move to 'yes'.)
Paige: Is what true?
Terri: That you and Hazel played me for a fool.
(Terri makes the Ouija pointer move to 'yes'.)
Paige: Wow. I, I really better get going.
Terri: You're dead Michalchuk. I'm gonna get you! Get back here!
(Terri starts chasing after Paige.)
During the game, the score is 4-1 for the boys
Liberty: Manny take it in. Take it in!
Manny: I can't!
Liberty: Take it in now.
(Spinner and Manny bump into each other and Manny falls down.)
Joey: Hold on guys. Hold on. You okay? Help me get her up guys. Get her up. Get her up.
Manny: Ow.
Joey: Slowly. Where does it hurt?
Jimmy: Are you okay?
Manny: It's my wrist. I landed on it.
Liberty: She's fine. You're fine, right?
Joey: I don't want to take any chances. Manny go see the nurse.
Liberty: No! She's going back out on the floor where we need her.
Joey: I'm the ref and I'm telling her to go see the nurse.
Liberty: After this period.
Joey: Get someone else to play.
Liberty: Those girls, they're alternates for a reason Joey. No!
Kendra: You're being a tyrant.
Liberty: I'm doing my job!
Emma: Liberty maybe you need to relax.
Liberty: And maybe you need to shut up and do what I tell you! All of you!
Kendra: Good luck trying to win short two players, Liberty.
Joey: Someone make sure Manny goes to the nurses office, please.
Liberty: I can't believe you girls. I thought you wanted to win.
Emma: Not like this.
(The guys start cheering.)
Joey: Hey game's not over guys. They can still come out and finish it.
In the locker room
Liberty: I can't believe you're all quitting. This is a team.
Kendra: We're not quitting the team Liberty. We're quitting you.
Liberty: That's so unfair.
Emma: Coaches are supposed to inspire people. You just bark at us.
Kendra: And give us crazy textbooks. 1000 ways to make us miserable.
Emma: And the stupid cape.
Kendra: Plus that whole thing with Manny.
Liberty: Alright I get the point. Look you're a great team. Be mad at me, but don't let those guys win. Kendra your slap shot is dead-on. Emma you're a good offensive captain. Focus on getting Kendra to the net, let her do the scoring and it's your game.
Kendra: She does have a point. We can't let those jerks get the jerseys.
Emma: Let's get 'em!
(They cheer and head for the gym.)
Emma: Liberty we've got it covered, okay?
Liberty: Alright. Well go get 'em.
(Everyone leaves except for Liberty.)
Liberty: I'm the weakest link.
Outside the gym
Ms. Hatzilakos: Hey Liberty.
(Liberty doesn't say anything.)
Ms. Haztilakos: The game is still going on. What are you doing out here?
Liberty: I ruined everything Ms. H.
Ms. Hatzilakos: What are you talking about?
Liberty: The girls all hate me.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Did you push them too hard?
Liberty: I really wanted them to win those jerseys.
Ms. Hatzilakos: It's a worthy cause.
Liberty: Yeah, but I think I squished out all the fun of playing.
Ms. Hatzilakos: You know Liberty it's tough for any coach. Balancing winning with having some fun.
Liberty: Yeah and it's so not worth it.
In the locker room, Liberty is doing the boys' laundry
Emma: Having fun?
Liberty: Yeah. So much.
Emma: Sorry we didn't win.
Liberty: You almost own. Losing by 1 point sucks, but impressive.
Emma: Thanks.
Liberty: Not impressive enough to get Joey's uniforms of course.
Emma: I don't know about that...girls!
(The girls all walk in wearing their new uniforms.)
Kendra: Mr. Jeremiah said he hadn't seen such a great battle of the sexes since Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs.
Manny: Whoever they are!
Liberty: I don't understand.
Emma: Joey's sponsoring both teams. We impressed him that much.
Liberty: Wow. You girls look incredible.
Kendra: You mean we look incredible.
(Kendra hands Liberty a jersey that says 'team manager'.)
Emma: Try it on! It's perfect. | |
doc_328 | (Izzie is laying in bed with George. She quietly tries to sneak out.)
MVO: Surgeons always have a plan, where to cut, where to clamp, where to stitch. But even with the best plans, complications can arise, things can arise and suddenly you're caught with your pants down.
(Izzie is in the kitchen at the sink when Cristina and Meredith walk in)
Meredith: Wow, you and George were really going at it last night.
Izzie: What?
Cristina: The laughing, the drinking, the music. Nobody, I mean me, needs to hear George's rendition of "Sexy Back" at three in the morning.
Izzie: Yeah, yeah. You should have said something or you know, banged on the wall.
Cristina: It's like living in a youth hostel.
Meredith: Well, the important thing is that she and George made up. You did right?
(Alex walks in)
Alex: I need to use your bathroom.
Meredith: Why?
Alex: Cause O'Malley's puking in mine.
Cristina: Ok, youth hostel.
Meredith: George is still here?
Izzie: Yes. Yes. But only because he was too drunk to drive home. You know, just totally impaired. Like no heavy machinery drunk.
Alex: What's her problem?
Cristina: Still drunk.
Alex: What's she doing here?
Meredith: She's afraid she's ruining her engagement to Burke, so she's hiding from him.
Cristina: I'm not anymore. I have a plan. Burke doesn't want me to marry him just to appease him...
Meredith: Which you are.
Cristina: So...we don't get married. Simple, we go back to the way it was. Be kind, rewind. My plan has a name.
Izzie: I gotta go. I gotta get to work. See you guys later.
(She goes to leave and puking can be heard from the downstairs bathroom)
Izzie: Is that George? You said he was upstairs, puking.
Alex: So, now he's downstairs puking.
(Izzie walks into the hall where George is)
George: Izzie.
Izzie: George.
George: What the hell happened last night? Callie is gonna kill me. Did I at least call her before I passed out?
Izzie: No. you don't...you don't remember?
George: I remember the bourbon and the...I...where did you sleep?
(Richard is walking through the hall with Colin)
Richard: Big day. What time's your interview with the board?
Colin: Three o'clock.
Richard: Well if you have any questions, please...
Colin: Yes, thank you. I think I have everything well in hand.
Richard: That's a big folder. (Referring to the one Colin is carrying)
Colin: It's nothing...it's just a few ideas I have for Seattle Grace. A ten-year plan. Which really is just a few, ah, tweaks. What did Einstein say? "Newton did the work, I'm merely standing in his shoulders."
Richard: And in this scenario I'm Newton.
(George is in the locker room looking very nauseous when Callie enters)
Callie: George. Hey.
George: Hey. You look, uh, nice.
Callie: I look insane. I'm wearing pearls. Listen...
George: Listen, about last night, uh...
Callie: Yeah. Well we're good enough for now because as of right now you and I, we're the perfect couple. Ok, we are the perfect happily married couple who are perfect and, and never fight because my dad's in town.
George: What?
Callie: Yeah, my dad's in town and, uh, he wants to meet my husband.
(Izzie enters)
Izzie: Oh, hey. Hey, O'Malleys. Carry on, do your stuff, your married stuff. Yay!
Callie: You told her about our fight.
George: Just when exactly is he coming?
Callie: Today, lunch, cafeteria. You know what, I think I might change it to Joe's so he might not be able to tell that stinks coming from you.
George: No, it's ok. It's ok. Uh, I'm good with parents. Parents love me.
Callie: Funny little man. Funny, funny little man. Funny little man who stinks. Just get in the shower, get in the shower, ok?
George: I know it'll be ok. You'll see, he's gonna love me. Oh.
(Cristina walks up to Burke at a nurse's station)
Burke: Oh, what's this?
Cristina: We bring each other coffee. This is what we do.
Burke: No, this is what we used to do. Before you moved in and we started making coffee at home. You know, I'm not really interested in going back to the way it used to be so unless you have something else to say to me...I've already had my coffee.
(Burke walks away and she sees Colin in the hall. Cristina walks away and Colin comes down the stairs and sees Derek, Addison and Burke standing near the OR board.)
Colin: Ahh, good morning, doctors.
Derek: Good morning. How you doing?
Colin: Big day today. Good luck to all and sundry.
(Colin walks away and Richard walks up)
Richard: He has a ten-year plan.
Burke: What?
Richard: He's presenting the board with a ten-year plan for the surgical wing.
Derek: He's only been here a day.
Richard: Did you see that folder? It's full of plans...tweaks for my hospital.
(Seattle scenes)
(Jane Doe's room, Mark is showing her images on a computer screen.)
Mark: This is a computer approximation of your original facial structure. Based on the 3D CT scans we did, it's what you could look like after reconstructive surgery. Or you could look like this...or this. You don't like them?
Jane: It's not that...(Looks at Alex) How does this work exactly?
Alex: He'll make an incision along your hairline and then...
Jane: It's ok, I can take it.
Alex: He'll literally pull your face off.
Mark: It sounds a lot worse than it is. Your face is extremely elastic and pulling it down will allow me to correct the bone fractures underneath without any scarring. And once you've healed, no one will ever know you had the surgery. I'm that good.
Addison: He is! It's annoying.
Jane: The surgery won't affect my baby?
Addison: I'll be monitoring the baby throughout, ok?
Jane: Ok. So...then I just have to pick one. Do I have to pick one now?
Mark: Take a couple hours and think about it.
Jane: Couple hours, yeah.
(Bailey and her interns walk into the hall and up to Richard)
Richard: Dr. Bailey.
Bailey: Chief, Jane Doe's getting a new face today.
Richard: Well, that's exciting. (To Meredith) How are you doing, Mer. You didn't take to much time off after...
Meredith: I'm fine, sir. Really. I think working's the best thing I can do.
Richard: Like mother, like daughter, huh?
Mark: Dr. Grey, what can you tell me about reconstructive neuro floor?
Meredith: Uh, you can create a new base from the eye socket by harvesting bone from the skull. Dr. Bailey, Dr Grey will be scrubbing in on the Jane Doe case. Come on, I'll show you how to do it without breaking the bone graft into a million pieces.
Richard: Congratulations, Dr. Grey.
Bailey: Come on, lets go people.
(Bailey and her interns walk past a nurse's station where Callie is)
Callie: Wait, wait, wait, I need to talk to you.
Izzie: Why?
Callie: To prepare you guys for what you're about to see.
Izzie: You meant...you meant you like us, not me. You don't want to talk to me. You wanna talk to us, about a patient.
Callie: That what I just said. This patient has a disease so rare that you'll probably never see it again. FOP.
Izzie: Oh, Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva.
Callie: Uh, yeah. It's a skeletal disease. It turns muscle into bone, it turns you into a human statue. So just try to learn and not to stare. Ok?
Nina: If you people are interns, you need to stand back.
Cathy: Nina, please don't be rude.
Nine: My mother still has movement in her face and hands. I'd like to keep it that way, so, please be careful. You press to hard during an exam or bump into her accidentally it causes a bone to grow where a bone shouldn't grow. So there can be no accidents.
Callie: Ok, remember that when you're dealing with her today.
Cathy: It's just a stomach virus or the flu. I'm sure it's nothing. Nina insisted that I come in...
Nina: She was vomiting blood. And going through her pain meds like they were candy. And she has new growths, on her back. No doubt caused by come clumsy interns on her last hospital stay.
Callie: Obviously, you're having a flare up of the FOP but really concerns me is the vomiting. So I'm gonna need a CT and see what's going on. (Sees a dollhouse) Oh, did you build that?
Nina: My mom did.
Cathy: No, Nina did it. I used to do it, I'm not able to.
Nina: Keeps her active. When she's active she has fewer flare-ups. Plus it keeps her happy and relaxed.
Callie: Good, ok.
(Outside Nina's room)
Izzie: Can I work in the clinic today?
Alex: You don't want the FOP case?
Cristina: Clinic, why? What's going on in the clinic?
Izzie: Nothing. I just feel clinicy.
Cristina: That's not a word. I'll take the clinic.
Izzie: Cristina!
Bailey: You both can go to the clinic.
(Callie is nearby smelling George)
Bailey: The board's interviewing chief candidates all day today so were light on surgeries. O'Malley?
George: Yes?
Bailey: You're with Dr. O'Malley.
George: Ok.
Alex: What am I supposed to do?
Bailey: Find Dr. Montgomery, see if you can help with Jane Doe.
George: I showered twice.
Callie: It's coming out of your pores, George. You, reek, you're trembling and there's no way I'm letting you near my patient right now. Dr. Bailey?
George: Don't tell Bailey, don't tell Bailey.
Callie: Bailey, with Mrs. Rogerson's limited mobility I'm gonna need an extra set of hands.
Bailey: Fine, Stevens. Yang will handle the clinic, you'll be with the O'Malleys today.
(Izzie gets out of the elevator. Callie looks annoyed, Izzie looks terrified and George gives her a thumbs up)
(Cristina is in the clinic with Doug Kendry)
Doug: It's my foot. It hurts like crazy. I'm gonna need a pain killer, I can't spend the whole day propped on an ice pack.
Cristina: You're gonna need to take off your shoe.
Doug: No, no, no. I've been down this route before. Just slip me a couple pain killers and I'll be on my way.
Cristina: Sir, did you, uh, go to medical school? I did. Take off your shoe. You have type two diabetes.
Doug: Ten years now.
Cristina: Well, you inspect your foot every day, have you noticed anything?
Doug: I noticed it hurts. Look, I've got ten guys sitting on their ass waiting for me to show up...
Cristina: Sir, I get it. You're in a hurry. That makes two of us. Sock.
(Doug takes off his sock to reveal a very nasty sore)
Cristina: You need to call your guys and tell them you're not coming in.
(Jane Doe's room)
Meredith: Did you choose a face?
Jane: Not yet. I was hoping I'd see one of them and I don't know, recognize myself. I don't recognize any of these women. What if I choose the wrong one? What if my husband or boyfriend or whose ever baby this is, shows up tomorrow with a picture of what I'm supposed to look like but it's too late, and I'm stuck with the wrong face for the rest of my life?
Alex: Ok, that would suck but if you don't pick one...(He holds up a mirror)...this is gonna be your face the rest of your life.
(Derek is watching Meredith, who is at a computer)
Meredith: Hey.
Derek: Hey.
Meredith: Shouldn't you be preparing for your board interview?
Derek: I am.
(He leans over her shoulder and he smells her hair)
Meredith: You're hovering.
Derek: No, I'm breathing you in.
Meredith: You're hovering.
Derek: Fine, I'm hovering. If Cristina would sleep in her own bed, I wouldn't have to hover at work. I could hover in bed. A different type of hovering perhaps. How bad is it today? On a scale of one to ten?
Meredith: Seven maybe a six.
Derek: Good.
Meredith: You know what's gonna make it even better than that?
Derek: Uh-huh, what?
Meredith: Calverian bone harvest I get to do on Sloan's Jane Doe later.
Derek: Sloan's gonna let you do a harvest? By yourself?
Meredith: By myself. Which makes me very cool in the eyes of my dead mother, by the way.
Derek: Ok, then. I better let you study.
Meredith: Better stop distracting me. I will not be cool in the eyes of my dead mother if I mame Jane Doe.
(CT Room)
George: We're gonna need you to lie very still Mrs. Rogerson.
Cathy: I think I can do that Dr. O'Malley.
George: Sorry about that, Mrs. Rogerson. I'm never gonna drink again. I can't believe I have to be presentable for Callie's dad at lunch.
Izzie: Hours...hours...many hours of our lives that are all I can think about and you...seriously don't remember? How can you not remember those many, many hours?
George: Izzie, whatever I did, whatever I said. I was drunk, I didn't mean it.
Izzie: George, I assure you, you meant it. You meant it a lot, you meant it more than once.
George: Do you see that? Page Callie.
(Cristina walks past an office where Colin is)
Colin: You'll be pleased to here I'm proposing an expansion to the hospital board this morning. Give you quite a few more places to hide.
Cristina: I'm not going to hide. I'm just trying to find my resident.
Colin: I come here to Seattle to see you and you don't even give me a moment.
Cristina: You didn't come to see me, you came to get a job.
Colin: I came here for both.
Cristina: Well, you made a mistake.
Colin: Are you gonna invite me?
Cristina: Where?
Colin: To the wedding.
Cristina: Will you stop talking about the wedding?
Colin: Most blushing brides to be love to talk about the wedding, what's the matter? Are we getting cold feet?
Cristina: Please leave.
Colin: If he's rushing you, you should tell him. When you marry, you wanna be ready, he should understand that.
(Addison is standing in front of a mirror)
Addison: Good afternoon, board. No. Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen of the board...(Mark enters) I'm so grateful for this opportunity.
Mark: Don't wear the glasses. You fiddle with them, it makes you look indecisive. And stop stressing, it will be like any other job interview. What do you consider your strengths? What do you consider your weaknesses? What do you consider your weaknesses?
Addison: I don't have any. I'm that good. What are yours?
Mark: I'm an easy mark for evil redheads.
Addison: Trust me, you have other weaknesses. Obviously, you are a man-whore.
Mark: Correction, I was a man-whore.
Addison: Yeah, well, while you're bragging about that to the board, Colin Marlow is pitching his ten-year plan.
Mark: Ten-year plan? Is that a requirement?
Addison: It is now.
(Cathy's room)
Callie: Mrs. Rogerson, according to your CT, you have severe internal bleeding. It was probably caused by your anti-inflammatory medication.
Nina: Does that require surgery because she can't have any.
Callie: Obviously, any surgical procedure could cause more bone growth or do more damage than good. That's why Dr. Burke's here.
Burke: What we can do is inset a line into your groin and then float a catheter up and embalize the area.
Nina: That's minimally invasive?
Burke: As minimally invasive as possible but with your condition even this is risky.
Cathy: I'm 41 years old. Most FOP patients don't live to 45. I'm down to the use of my face and hands, pretty soon I won't have anything. So, what would happen if I refuse the surgery?
Callie: You will bleed to death...within a day or two.
Cathy: Is that painful?
Nina: Mom, stop, ok?
Cathy: Nina, please let me think, I...
Nina: The reason you've gotten this far...our treatment plan works. It will work.
(Mark enters the conference room where Derek is)
Mark: Burke is using PowerPoint. He's doing a PowerPoint presentation for the board, which is cool if it's like 1998. There's no swag is there? We're not allowed to give gifts?
Derek: Why did you ask Meredith to do a bone graft...on your Jane Doe?
Mark: Because I'm her teacher and that's my job.
Derek: You're doing it to impress the chief. You're setting her up. And she can't fail right now.
Mark: Why don't you let your girlfriend decide what she can or can't do?
Derek: I will hurt you if this goes wrong for her.
(Outside Cathy's room)
Addison: Is...is that a...?
Izzie: Dollhouse. Yeah, the lights work and everything, it's the perfect little home.
Addison: Did you have a dollhouse growing up?
Izzie: I had s*x last night...with the wrong person. But the thing is it didn't feel wrong at the time. It felt like everything was falling into place. So, what do I do?
Addison: What am I? The go-to person for adultery?
Izzie: No...no...I just...I just don't know what to do.
Addison: You stop, that's what you do.
Izzie: Are you sure? How do you know, that it feels so right because it's gods plan?
Addison: God wants you to be an adulterer?
Izzie: God got a virgin pregnant by magic. God is not playing by the rules.
(Clinic, Doug is on the phone)
Doug: Uh-huh, talk to Paul.
Cristina: Mr. Kendry.
Doug: No, Paul will get your drywall numbers.
Cristina: Mr. Kendry.
Doug: Ok, let me just right a couple notes about that call.
Cristina: Mr. Kendry, we're gonna have to amputate your foot.
Doug: What?
Cristina: The infection is in the bone and if we don't remove your foot, the infection will travel to your blood and that will cause sepsis and possible death. I'm sorry.
Doug: How can you be so...I mean, I can't get around...No, no, you're not cutting off my foot.
Cristina: Sir, diabetes as a manageable disease. If you had been here even a month ago, maybe...
Doug: Ok, I screwed up. But you're telling me this is my only option because I was late getting in here? That there is no way...
Cristina: Mr. Kendry...
Doug: No! Please, there's gotta be a way for me to get that month back. Tell me what to do. I'll do every line of every plan that you give me. Please. You gotta find a way to save my foot.
(Meredith is practicing her bone harvest when Derek enters)
Derek: Hey, what do you think of a robotics lab as a goal for the hospital? Hmm?
Meredith: Derek.
Derek: You're harvesting.
Meredith: I'm trying to be supportive but this graft, it's really tricky.
Derek: Mm-hmm. You don't have to do it, you know. I talked to Mark and uh...
Meredith: You what?
Derek: I talked to Mark. I mean, Meredith this is, uh, it's a complex procedure.
Meredith: You don't think I can do it?
Derek: When has Mark Sloan allowed his interns to do anything? Let alone harvest a bone graft?
Meredith: He's in the race for chief. He's trying to prove he can teach.
Derek: By teaching you. Your mother died and the chief is going to be watching you very closely. Mark is trying to gain points to play.
Meredith: Using me.
Derek: If it goes well, he gets the credit. But if it goes poorly, he gets the save.
Meredith: So, this is about you one upping Mark?
Derek: He's using you. I'm just trying to protect you.
Meredith: You don't need to. Close the door on your way out.
(Derek leaves slamming the door on his way out.)
(Bailey walks up to Mark in the hall)
Mark: Can I help you with those Dr. Bailey?
Bailey: What do you want?
Mark: See, that's what I like about you, you always get right to the point.
Bailey: Make it quick, I'm headed over to the clinic.
Mark: All right, what would you change about this hospital if you could?
Bailey: Is this for your board interview? You want me to do your homework for you cause I'm not busy enough, is that it?
Mark: All the other attendings are putting together ten-year plans, I was just looking for some input.
Bailey: Input? You want...I have patients in need of medical attention right now. This guy, here, is about to have one less appendage. I don't have a ten-year plan for him, I have a right now plan for him. Cut off his foot to save his life. So, you need to get out of my way right now, so I can do my job.
Mark: Right now?
Bailey: Right now.
(Cafeteria, the interns are having lunch)
Izzie: Hey, talk to me about blackouts. Are they real? Do you really not remember anything afterwards?
Meredith: Iz, I'm fine. I'm not drinking, I'm not drowning my sorrows. Fine. Everybody needs to stop trying to protect me.
Izzie: Um, this isn't really about you. I'm asking back when you had a best friend named tequila, did you actually ever blackout?
Meredith: Once...twice.
Alex: The stuff you don't remember is usually the stuff you don't wanna remember.
Izzie: Right. Great, thanks.
Cristina: Hey, I have type two diabetes. Patient let it go and the infection is in the bone. I have to find a fix or cut off the foot. Anyone? Anybody?
Alex: You get to cut off his foot? Cool.
Cristina: Ok, no, not cool. The patient was neglectful, he made a couple bad calls. Does that mean he has no hope? Does that mean he can't have a do over?
Alex: But you get to cut, do bonus stuff.
Meredith: We're talking about Burke now.
Alex: We are?
Meredith: Operation be kind, rewind not going so well?
Izzie: You need to fix it cause it seems like you guys have a pretty good thing. And pretty good things are rare and hard to come by. Unlike really screwed up, complicated things which seem to be freaking everywhere.
Cristina: You know what, things are great. I'm gonna get things back to the way they were. Watch me.
(Cristina storms off)
Izzie: Has Jane Doe picked a face?
Meredith: No, not yet.
Izzie: How cool would that be? To get to pick your own face. Just disappear and start all over.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Alex enters Jane Doe's room)
Alex: How you doing?
Jane: How am I doing? I'm freaking out, Alex. That's how I'm doing. I can't do this. I can't pick. I can't.
Alex: All right, ok, lets uh...lets meet the contenders, all right? This...this is Maggie. Married her high school sweetheart, has two kids, boy and girl. Loves being a mom, you know, coaches her daughter's basketball team and makes an insane banana cream pie.
Jane: Banana cream pie?
Alex: It's my favorite so shut up. And this...is Elizabeth. Graduated from Northwestern, met her husband at a rally where they got arrested and fell in love. She's all angry and fired up but everyone forgives her because she means well. Ahh, this one, this ones Eva. She's funny, she's tough...a little neurotic some times but you get used to it. You can tell she's been through some tough times in her life but she'll get through it.
(George and Callie are at Joe's with Mr. Torres)
George: It's just your daughter, she...she's sorta undeniable. And, uh, after I lost my father I realized that life is short...and it's long too. Short and long. Life...
Mr. Torres: He talks a lot.
Callie: No, no, he talks like a like a like a person who talks dad, please.
Mr. Torres: Do you have any idea what you've done to your mother? You make this decision, the most important day of your life, we didn't even know she was seeing someone. Are you pregnant?
Callie: Oh.
Mr. Torres: Did you get my daughter pregnant?
George: No.
Callie: No, daddy, this is...no. George, ok, he's not like the other guys I've been with.
George: Clean as a whistle, and a mathlete.
Mr. Torres: He has no money. You have money.
George: Oh, come on. I didn't know that Callie was well off. She just told me.
Mr. Torres: Really? Really, well you won't mind then if the car, the house and everything else we'll provide will be in Calliope's name?
Callie: What house?
Mr. Torres: You're a married woman now. I'll find something suitable. It's all here in the postnuptial, I've brought along.
Callie: Whoa.
(Mr. Torres goes to put the papers down and knocks over George's drink)
Mr. Torres: I'm sorry.
Callie: Dad!
George: Got it. It's ok.
(Callie and her father are still talking. George suddenly flashes back to the night before and sees him and Izzie having s*x.)
George: No.
Mr. Torres: What?
George: No, that's not gonna happen. There is no way I am gonna let you pay for anything. I can't...we can't...Callie...I'm so sorry. Mr. Torres, I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
(George walks up to Izzie who is at a nurse's station)
Izzie: You remembered?
(George walks over to a linen closet and opens the door, they both enter. George appears very confused and even punches the wall. Izzie touches his face, he pulls her hand away and then leaves without either of them saying anything.)
(Seattle scenes)
(Cathy's room. Izzie enters and Cathy and Nina are working on the dollhouse)
Izzie: Wow, it's really coming along. It looks great.
Cathy: Thanks. We've been working on it for months. But when I say we, I mean she. I just hold things and look pretty.
Izzie: That can be hard work too. I'm gonna need to draw some blood for your surgery.
Nina: Be careful! You can only use one specific vein in this area, here.
(Izzie goes to move and knocks things off the table)
Nina: I said be careful.
Izzie: I am so sorry.
Cathy: That's ok.
Nina: No it's not. If she's gonna be that clumsy, she's not drawing your blood.
Cathy: Nina, she's just doing her job.
Nina: Not very well. I'm going to get a nurse, the senior nurse.
Cathy: Oh Nina, stop.
Nina: No, mom! Do not let her touch you. We can't be too careful. You're not taking her blood.
Cathy: She's not even a person anymore, you know what I mean?
Izzie: Mrs. Rogerson...
Cathy: I know I'm gonna die. You know maybe not today but soon. I just need to talk, you know. Nina won't let me talk. I just need to talk.
(Richard enters the conference room where Derek is)
Richard: No coffee. One more thing for Marlow to tweak. Please tell me you're not coming up with a ten-year plan for this hospital.
Derek: You can come up with all the plans you want but in the end their just...it's doesn't make one bit of difference. Things happen, people just...
Richard: Drown?
Derek: Yeah, you know when I pulled her out of the water...she was like ice. She can swim, Richard...she gave up. I close my eyes for a minute and it's like she's back in the water. I'm up at night and I just listen to her breath, you know? Just in case she stops. I can come up with plans for the hospital but if they ask me where I'm gonna be in 10 years...
(Mr. Torres walks up to George who is at the nurse's station)
Mr. Torres: George.
George: Mr. Torres?
Mr. Torres: You wanna take care of her in your own way. I understand that, I respect it but you have to understand, she's my only little girl George. You have to promise me that you will love her and protect her because the minute you hurt her...
(Callie walks up)
Mr. Torres: You understand?
(George nods)
Mr. Torres: Good. Then I'll tell Callie's mother, she can plan the party.
Callie: What...what?
Mr. Torres: You're wedding party.
Callie: Ah, dad, come on.
Mr. Torres: Now, now, please. For my sanity make her happy. Just let her plan the party.
Callie: All right, all right, ok.
Mr. Torres: All right then, I have a plane to catch. Come here. (He kisses her cheek) George. (Shakes George's hand)
Callie: Bye dad.
(He leaves)
Callie: You stood up to him, nobody does that. I was all proud. So listen, about last night...I don't know about you but personally I'd like to take back about 90 percent of it.
George: Me too.
Callie: Good, good ok. Then go find Izzie and help her prep Mrs. Rogerson, I'll see you in surgery.
(Jane Doe's OR)
Jane: You here to keep my baby alive?
Alex: I am.
Jane: Good.
Alex: So?
Jane: So, call me Eva.
(Scrub room for Jane Doe's OR)
Mark: You been practicing? You know the chief will be watching today.
Meredith: The chief, right, of course.
Mark: Of course what?
Meredith: Derek was right about you. You're using the memory of my dead mother to win points with the chief. It's despicable. And I'm not gonna play.
Mark: The chief, the way he was looking at you this morning. Was like you were some beaten down puppy he picked up off the side of the road. You do this procedure and you do it well, he'll start looking at you like a surgeon again. But you wanna think of me as despicable, you wanna pass up this shot, that's up to you.
(Cristina is walking through the hall with Doug)
Cristina: They're doing amazing things with prosthetics these days. This doesn't mean your life is over.
(She sees Burke in the hall dressed for his interview)
Cristina: Take him up to the OR, I'll meet you there.
(She walks over to Burke)
Cristina: Got you're board thing now? The chief picked you originally. You were always supposed to be the next chief. That was always the plan.
Burke: That was a long time ago. A lot has happened since then.
Cristina: But you're still that guy. You're the guy the chief chose.
Burke: No I'm not. I'm not that guy, Cristina, and I wouldn't want to be. I wanna be better than that. I like to believe that I've grown. I wanna move forward, I'm not interested in going back.
(A board member walks in the hall)
Board Member: Dr. Burke.
(Seattle scenes)
(Jane Doe's OR. Mark looks up and sees Richard and Derek watching the surgery intently. He breathes a heavy sigh)
Mark: You ready?
Meredith: Osteotome and hammer.
Mark: Use the curved osteotome to elevate the external table. Gently.
(Cathy's OR)
Burke: How's it looking?
Doctor: Still see bleeding.
Burke: Platinum microcoils, they aren't holding.
Callie: What about using an gelatin sponge?
Burke: I've already tried polyvinyl alcohol, glue, micro-coils. Nothings working.
Izzie: BP's dropping to 62 systolic.
Burke: We're gonna have to open her up.
Callie: If you open her up she's dead.
Burke: If we don't she's dead.
(Nina is in her mother's room working on the dollhouse)
(Doug's OR)
Cristina: Beginning amputation
(She turns on the saw.)
(Jane Doe's OR, Meredith is removing skull bone. Richard and Derek look on.)
(Cathy's OR, she is flatlining)
(Doug's OR, Bailey is carrying his leg)
Bailey: Fine amputation, Yang.
(Yang looks saddened that she had to amputate the leg)
(Jane Doe's OR, Meredith removes a piece of bone and looks up to Derek who smiles at her)
Mark: Beautiful.
(Nina is working on the dollhouse)
(Cathy's room, she is still flatlined)
(Nina is working on the dollhouse and drops a piece and breaks it)
(Mark is in with the board and Derek, Addison and Burke are spying from outside)
Addison: Wait, now they're laughing.
Derek: Laughing?
Addison: They're laughing.
Derek: Well, they can't be laughing with him, they have to be laughing at him.
(Bailey walks up)
Bailey: I'm surprised you don't have a shot glass pressed up against that window.
(They all move aside just as Mark and the board leave the conference room)
Mark: Let me show you the new clinic.
(They all follow Mark and Richard is stopped by the others)
Burke: Chief?
Richard: Hmm?
Burke: So...?
Richard: If you ask me, you all could stand to borrow a page from Dr. Sloan's book.
Derek: Sloan? You're kidding, right? That's a joke.
Richard: He didn't get caught up in this whole ten-year plan foolishness. He said he had a "right now" plan for Seattle Grace.
Burke: The "right now" plan?
Bailey: (Agitated) The "right now" plan? (Bailey looks over at Mark who smiles) Is that right?
Richard: Board ate it up, tell you the truth, so did I.
(Seattle scenes)
(Cathy's room)
Nina: I should have brought her in sooner. The first time she threw up. I knew better.
Callie: Nina, there was nothing any of us could...
Nina: No. It was a mistake.
Izzie: You're mother...talked to me. She wasn't ready to leave you but she was ready to leave her body.
Nina: Please, I don't need you to explain the relative comforts of death for my mother.
Izzie: What she was afraid of was that you had taken on so much of her disease that you had frozen up to. You spent so much time planning and helping her avoid risk, god knows that's what you should have been doing, but she was worried...You have a healthy body, Nina. If you fall down you won't turn to stone and you're mom so wanted you to fall. Messing up is what makes a person. It's how you learn, where you find joy in the things you don't plan for. The things you never see coming.
(Seattle scenes)
(George and Izzie are alone in the locker room)
Izzie: Ok, it happened. It was a mistake and it happened. People make mistakes. We need to figure out where we go from here. We need to figure out how to tell Callie.
George: I'm not gonna tell Callie. Do you know how much this would hurt her? I'm not gonna clear my conscious at her expense. She has done nothing but support me, encourage me and believe in me and this is how I pay her back. No, I have to live with what I did. This is our secret, ok?
Izzie: Ok.
(George gets up and leaves)
MVO: The thing about plans is...they don't take into account the unexpected.
(Cristina enters Doug's room)
MVO: So, when we're thrown a curve ball, whether it's in the OR, or in life.
Cristina: How are you feeling?
MVO: We have to improvise.
Doug: I'm a guy without a foot. What do I do now?
Cristina: You move forward, you follow the plan and you try and keep your other foot.
Doug: My other foot, right.
(Alex is in Jane Doe's room)
MVO: Of course, some of us are better at it than others.
(Addison enters)
Addison: I'm impressed, Karev. You spent the whole day watching a fetal monitor and never complained.
Alex: Well, I do what I'm told.
Addison: Since when?
Alex: Depends on who's doing the telling.
Addison: Good night, Dr. Karev.
(Addison leaves and Jane Doe wakes up)
Jane: What was that?
Alex: Hey, how's Eva?
Jane: I don't think I'm gonna know the answer to that for a while. What do you say we talk about you and the redhead for a while?
Alex: Well, the redhead's my boss, so...
Jane: So?
Alex: Well, it's complicated.
Jane: And?
Alex: And?
(Cristina enters her and Burke's apartment)
MVO: Some of us just have to move on to Plan B and make the best of it.
(She climbs into bed. Burke looks shocked.)
Cristina: It has to be small. Just you and me...and Meredith...and Shepherd too, if you want. But that's it. And the justice of the peace. I know you're spiritual and stuff but I don't want any rabbi's or ministers, nothing religious. Let's just make an appointment at city hall and that'll be it. And no veil. Ok, I don't wanna get married with a mosquito net all over my face.
(He hugs her)
(Meredith and Derek are lying in bed)
Meredith: I let Mark use the memory of my dead mother to win points with the chief. You were right.
Derek: Sorry.
Meredith: You know what's weird?
Derek: What's weird?
Meredith: It's exactly what she would have wanted.
Derek: So, dead mommy's proud?
Meredith: Dead mommy's proud. How was your interview?
Derek: Not great. It wasn't great. I was distracted.
Meredith: By what?
Derek: Nothing. I don't know.
Meredith: On a scale of one to ten how bad is it?
Derek: 8
(They kiss)
Meredith: How bout now?
Derek: 7
(She climbs on top of him)
Meredith: How bout now?
MVO: And sometimes...
Derek: 6
MVO: ...what we want...
Derek: 5
MVO: ...is exactly...
Derek: 4
MVO: ...what we need.
(Izzie is in her room, taking the sheets off the bed. She sits down on the bed and cries)
MVO: But sometimes...
(Callie and George are lying in bed)
Callie: I can smell you're clothes through the closet door. Did you tie them up in a plastic laundry bag?
George: Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Callie: I guess I can live with it.
MVO: Sometimes what we need is a new plan. | |
doc_329 | Act One
Scene One - A Seedy Motel Room. Frasier is lying in bed, asleep, in the motel room. He awakens and finds that he has a tattoo on his arm that reads "Chesty." There is a half-empty bottle of tequila on a table across from the bed. A shower is running, but then stops suddenly. Frasier props himself up on some pillows and folds him arms behind his head, expectantly.
Out from the bathroom steps Gil Chesterton - wearing only a towel.
Gil: Well, look who's up!
SMASH CUT TO: Frasier sits up in bed - his own bed. The previous scene had been a dream - or a nightmare, considering Frasier's panic-stricken reaction.
[SCENE_BREAK]
WHY GIL? WHY NOW?
Scene Two - KACL. Frasier is listening to a young male caller, Jimmy.
Jimmy: [v.o.] So it's my parents. I don't know, they're just like, really stupid.
Frasier: [bored] May I ask how old you are?
Jimmy: Fourteen.
Frasier: Well, hang on, Jimmy. Your parents are going to be stupid for another seven years.
Jimmy: Whoa! Seven years? That's like, longer than I'll be in high school!
Frasier: I salute your optimism. [disconnects] We'll be right back after this.
He goes off air as Roz enters his booth.
Frasier: Oh god, Roz. A teenager who's embarrassed by his parents? I mean, please. Can't you come up with something a little more challenging for me?
Roz: Well, it was either him or our old pal, Rudy the Crier.
Frasier: Oh, Rudy the Crier. Oh God. He's been on three times in the last month. You put him on again, he won't be the only one who's crying. God, I'm in a dry spell. Where are the souls in genuine torment? The people teetering on the brink of genuine despair?
Roz: Oh, they'll be back. The holidays are just around the corner.
Frasier: Well, perhaps you're right. Oh, Roz, I've got a question I'd like to ask you.
Roz: Shoot.
Frasier: Have you ever had a recurring dream of an intimate nature about someone... oh, a... well, a co-worker?
Roz: [disgusted] Oh, no. Why'd you tell me?
Frasier: Oh, Roz!
Roz: Oh, now it's gonna be creepy everytime you look at me through the glass!
Frasier: Roz, not you!
Roz: [intrigued] So who is it then?
Frasier: Oh, I'm not going to go into the specifics.
Roz: Gina in accounting?
Frasier: Look, I'm not gonna do this!
Roz: Sheila, the slow intern?
Frasier: Forget I even mentioned it.
Gil enters. He's hiding something behind his back.
Gil: Knock knock...
Frasier: [suddenly nervous] Gil? [Roz eyes Frasier suspiciously]
Gil: Frasier, I've come to tempt you.
Frasier: [scared] Really?
Gil: I'm reviewing the new pastry chef at Chez Shea. [reveals an
eclair] And I quote: "His amaretto eclair is so sinful, it will send you scurrying to your local padre for absolution."
Frasier: Uh... no, thank you, Gil. I'm on a diet.
Gil: Oh, come now! You know you want it...
Frasier: [jumping up] Oh, no no no... I really don't! [shoos Gil out the door] Off you go. Bye-bye.
Roz: [excited] Oh, my god!
Frasier: What?
Roz: It was Gil!
Frasier: I never said that!
Roz: Then why are you blushing?
Frasier: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Roz: Your ears are turning bright red!
Frasier: I am not blushing!
Roz: You are!
Gil then knocks on one of the windows. As they look at him he takes a big bite out of the eclair. Frasier hurriedly closes the blinds as Roz laughs.
Frasier: Still not blushing! The scene DISSOLVES to another caller - Rudy the Crier.
Rudy: [v.o.] ...just lying there in the hospital bed. She lifted her head off the pillow, looked up and said, "I love you," and then she was gone. [cries]
Frasier: Rudy, stop crying. We've gone over this before. What was our agreement about sad movies?
Rudy: I shouldn't watch them. [cries]
Frasier: Exactly. Now go get a cool washcloth and try to bring down the puffiness around your eyes. Please... stay away from sad or depressing things... which, at this moment, includes listening to the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. [disconnects] Well, let's shoot it to the news. That's it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. [he goes off air and Roz enters] Oh, my God! Well, close the record books. That was just the dullest three hours in the history of the Frasier Crane Show!
Roz: Oh, come on. It wasn't so bad. What about that woman who was so concerned about her appearance she wouldn't leave the house?
Frasier: That was a commercial! I believe Miss Clairol solved the problem! Well, I'll see you tomorrow. [he moves to exit, then turns back] Oh! Oh, Roz... about that dream I mentioned to you earlier... uh... this goes without saying, but I'd rather you didn't share that with anyone else.
Roz: Oh, sure.
Betty: [passing by] Hi, dreamboy!
Frasier: [to Roz] I hate you! Couldn't keep your big mouth shut, could you? Just exactly when did you find the time to spread the news?
Roz: You don't think I was listening to your show, do you?
Bulldog enters.
Bulldog: Comin' through! Oh, Doc... I got to rub this one in a little...
Frasier: All right, look, Bulldog... before you start to ridicule me, yes, yes I had a dream about Gil. And yes, it had some erotic elements, but... [notices Bulldog's surprised expression] You have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Bulldog: I do now! Whoa! [laughs]
Frasier: Look, let's just forget it. What delightful little jibe did you have prepared for me?
Bulldog: Oh, I was gonna tell you your show today just broke the snooze meter, but now I want to hear about you greasin' Gil's cookie sheet! [honks horn]
Frasier: I'm on a bus to Hell.
[SCENE_BREAK]
PSYCHIATRIST...CRANE...
FRASIER...NILES...IDIOTS
Scene Three - Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are standing at the counter. Niles is relaying a story to a bored Frasier.
Niles: So I returned to the dry-cleaners yet a third time. I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
Frasier: Just tell me when the story ends.
Niles: [miffed] Fine. They realigned my pleats, The End.
Frasier: Sorry, Niles. [they get their coffees and sit at a nearby table] I'm just a bit distracted today. You see, this morning, a... a man from my building approached me with a very intriguing problem. It seems he's been having a recurring dream.
Niles: Oh, please. That little gambit didn't work when we were in knee socks. What was your dream, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, all right! It's been tormenting me. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks now. It's a bit hazy but... it starts out in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.
Niles: Interesting.
Frasier: Yes, well... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo: the word "Chesty."
Niles: Interesting.
Frasier: Then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps... a man. [pause] All right, go ahead, let me have it!
Niles: Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?
Frasier: [annoyed] Please? We're both too intelligent to waste time on the obvious interpretation.
Niles: Yes. But you must admit, it's rather intriguing. [chuckles]
Frasier: Would you stop? It's obviously screaming for a Jungian interpretation. The sexuality in the dream is surely symbolic of some deeper, non-sexual conflict.
Niles: All right.
Gil approaches the table with a smug grin on his face.
Gil: Good afternoon, Frasier.
Frasier: Gil.
Gil: A little birdie tells me I was featured in your midnight movie.
Frasier: That's very clever. Off you go.
Gil: Very well. I'll see you tomorrow. Or should I say, "See you in your dreams"? [exits]
Niles: In this dream of yours, were there any cigars, bananas or short, blunt swords?
Frasier: Would you stop it?! I'm 43 - a little late for latency.
Rebecca, the waitress, comes over.
Rebecca: You guys okay over here?
Niles: Oh, we're fine.
Frasier: [flirting] Well... you must be new here. I surely would have remembered such a pretty face as yours.
Niles: You're overcompensating.
Frasier: Right. We're fine. Bye-bye. [she leaves] I'm just baffled, Niles. Obviously, Gil Chesterton explains "Chesty" but little else.
Niles: Perhaps you should tackle this from a free-association standpoint.
Frasier: God, must we?
Niles: Well, now... focus on any detail in the motel room. What's the first thing that pops into your mind?
Frasier: Uh... a crescent-shaped lamp.
Niles: Perfect - crescent-shaped lamp. Run with that. Crescent... moon... Daphne Moon... French maid... brass bed... satin robe...
Frasier: Niles! This is my dream!
Niles: I was just showing you the process.
Frasier: You were three words away from a cigarette!
Niles: [outraged] Your turn!
Frasier: All right.
Niles: Crescent lamp.
Frasier: Crescent... croissant... butter... apricot jam... hunger... food... diet! My God, I've been on a diet. Do you think that's useful?
Niles: You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Frasier: Just wait a minute. Gil is a restaraunt critic - a gourmet. Perhaps he's symbolic of the food I've been denying myself.
Niles: That would explain why you're naked in the dream. It's when we're naked that we're most self-conscious about our bodies.
Frasier: Yes, and most vulnerable to the way society "tattoos" us with labels about our appearance! God, that's it, Niles! The dream is simply telling me that I've been too rigid about my diet!
Niles: Well, you'll know tonight. If this is the correct interpretation, the conflict will have passed from your unconscious to your conscious mind.
Frasier: Yes, the dream will have served its purpose.
Niles: And you will no longer be plagued by it.
Frasier: Oh, God, Niles. I've nailed it all right. I really have. Finally, for the first time in weeks they'll be no tequila bottles, no tattoo, no half-naked man in my bed. [he looks up to see Rebecca standing at their table] So then, the Rabbi says...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Four - The Motel Room. Once again, Frasier is in bed. The tequila bottle is still there, and he still has the tattoo. The shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps a rather buxom woman wearing only a towel. Frasier looks pleasantly surprised.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry... wrong room. [leaves]
Frasier's expression turns to disappointment. Gil suddenly appears lying next to Frasier in bed.
Gil: That does it. We're finding another motel.
SMASH CUT TO: Frasier again wakes up from his dream in a panic. He notices something under the covers next to him. He cautiously pulls back the covers to reveal Eddie. He isn't any more pleased about this.
End of Act One. Act Two.
Scene One - The elevator at the Elliot Bay Towers. Daphne and Martin are in the back of the elevator. The doors open and a woman gets on, standing in front of Daphne and Martin. Daphne says hello and they lapse into silence for a moment. She and Martin then begin to speak to each other in a conspiratorial tone.
Daphne: Someone followed me again last night.
Martin: Ah, you're just being paranoid.
Daphne: I'm telling you, they're onto me.
Martin: Come on. Nobody could recognize you after all that plastic surgery.
The woman becomes alarmed at this.
Daphne: That's what Marlena thought.
Martin: Marlena got sloppy. She never should have gone back to Zurich.
Daphne: I just don't want any more bloodshed.
Martin: Relax. You're home free.
Daphne: You don't know the Woodchuck and his ways.
The doors open and the woman rushes out in fear. Martin and Daphne break down laughing.
Daphne: Oh, we're terrible!
Martin: We are? You are! "The Woodchuck and his ways"?
Daphne: You know, we really should stop doing this. It's not nice.
Martin: Ah, you're right. We won't do it anymore.
The doors open and a man enters.
Daphne: [as soon as the doors close, to Martin] How'd you get the stuff through Customs?
Martin: They never check the wooden leg.
CUT TO: Frasier's apartment. Frasier is pacing the living room as Niles sits at the couch, poring over psychology textbooks.
Frasier: The answer has got to be in there somewhere!
Niles: Here's something. [reads] "Dreams as an expression of wish fulfillment."
Frasier: [grabs the book] Moving on.
Daphne and Martin enter.
Daphne: Goodness, are you two still here?
Martin: What are you working on?
Frasier: Nothing.
Niles: I'm helping Frasier interpret a dream he's been having. You know, maybe Dad can help.
Frasier: [alarmed] No, no, no... don't want to bore Dad with the details of this particular dream.
Niles: Dreams can be rooted in childhood experience. Maybe Dad remembers something you've repressed.
Martin: Gee, I don't know. If it's about when you were a kid I've repressed a lot of that myself. [exits to the kitchen]
Frasier: Niles, this is not a dream I wish to share with Dad, thank you very much.
Niles: Well, we've exhausted every other interpretation. So, I guess it's back to dreams as wish fulfillment...
Frasier: Oh, Dad... [he moves to the kitchen where Martin is making a sandwich] Would you mind listening to my dream to see if it conjures up any memories from my childhood?
Martin: Oh, come on. You're making too much out of this. It's a dream. Dreams are weird.
Frasier: Please, Dad. I wouldn't ask if it weren't really bothering me.
Martin: Well, all right... go on.
Frasier: All right... it starts out in a little motel room. I have a tattoo on my arm - "Chesty"...
Martin: See? That's weird.
Frasier: Yes. Then out from the bathroom steps a... All right, now before I continue, let me remind you that this is a dream. Not to be confused with reality. [Martin nods, still busy with his sandwich] Out from the bathroom steps a man... [off Martin's concerned expression] -eating lion!
Martin: [relieved] Oh, see? There again, weird. Look, dreams come, they go. They don't mean anything. Except, you know, if you're lucky, every once in awhile you might have one that's a lot of fun. Like, you hit a home run in the World Series or you're in the jungle with Jayne Mansfield and she gets bit by a snake.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: You know who Jayne Mansfield is, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Martin: You know what you do when you're bit by a snake, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, Dad. [leaves]
Martin: [to himself] Wish I knew what I had for dinner that night.
Frasier enters the living room to find Niles and Daphne on the couch, chatting about Frasier's dream.
Daphne: Oh, I get it. Chesty refers to Gil Chesterton.
Frasier: Niles, you gossipy fishwife!
Daphne: [standing] There's no reason to feel self-conscious, Dr. Crane. We've all had dreams like that. I had one about a girl I shared a flat with once - a gymnast.
Niles: [standing] Go on, Daphne. This could be significant.
Daphne: Well, I remember we were doing stretches in the gymnasium, when suddenly we decided to take off all our clothes and go for a bounce on the trampoline. [giggles] The next thing you know, I'm chasing her around the pommel horse. Oh, never mind...
Niles: [aroused] Don't stop now! [off their looks] This could help us. [sits]
Daphne: Well, actually, I do have a theory of my own about your dream, if you'd like to hear it.
Frasier: What the hell.
Daphne: Well... in your dream, who was in the shower? Gil. What is a shower? Running water. Who needs water? Fish. What do fish have? Gills! Do you see where I'm going?
Frasier: Insane?
Daphne: It could be a dream about the loss of a beloved childhood pet.
Martin: [entering from the kitchen with Eddie] Thanks a lot, Eddie. Forty-five minutes in the park, you don't have to go. I get one bite into my sandwich and you give me the look.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, did Dr. Crane ever have a goldfish growing up?
Martin: A fish?
Daphne: Yes, as a pet.
Martin: How would I know? That was Hester's department. [to Eddie] Come on, let's go. [leaves]
Niles: Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frasier: That Dad can interpret the looks from his dog and has only the spottiest recollections of our childhoods?
Niles: No. No, no, no. Hester - Hesty. The tattoo - that's only one letter away from Chesty!
Frasier: Niles, are you saying that the dream could have been about mother?
Niles: Well?
Frasier: I suppose I could have misread the tattoo. [rolls up his shirt sleeve] Yes, yes... this freckle pattern here on my arm could be mistaken for a "C."
Daphne: And what swims in the sea? Fish! [off their looks] All right, all right I'll go. [exits to her room]
Niles: Well, so the tattoo could have said "Hesty." But the problem is, I don't ever remember Dad calling her that.
Frasier: But who's to say he didn't?
They both gasp and run to the elevator, where Martin is still waiting with Eddie.
Both: Dad, Dad... Dad, Dad!
Martin: What?
Frasier: Did you ever have a nickname for Mother?
Martin: Oh, for God's sakes! Is this to do with that stupid dream?
Frasier: Dad, this is really important!
Niles: Any pet name? A term of endearment?
Martin: Well... when we were first married I used to call her "Honey." And then... there was a time after that that I started calling her "Sweetie."
Frasier: I'm sure there's a delicious anecdote behind each one of those. But did you ever call her "Hesty"?
Martin: "Hesty"?
Frasier: [forcefully] Oh, come on, think, man! Even once! Once, in all the years you lived together?!
Martin: [nervously] We-Well... I don't know. [elevator doors open] I- I guess...
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah, maybe once... [stumbles into the elevator, disturbed]
Frasier: Oh, thank you Dad! [doors close] Well, there it is! I must have heard him call her "Hesty" once and neatly tucked it away into my subconscious.
Niles: Of course, it's so obvious! Gil is a food critic. Food, criticism...
Both: Mother!
Niles: It's the classic Oedipal dream!
Frasier: Yes, yes... only I was so frightened by my sexual urges to be with my mother that I transformed her into a man! Oh, what a relief! I've been wringing my hands over nothing. I mean, it's okay. All I want to do is have s*x with my dead mother!
Frasier turns to see that a woman has been standing by the elevator doors and has overheard him. He sheepishly enters his apartment.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - the Motel Room. The scene reveals a painting of bananas and swords above the bed where Frasier is sleeping. He awakens to find the tattoo of "Chesty" still on his arm and the sound of the shower running. He is exasperated. The shower stops and he turns to the bathroom door with a look of apprehension.
Frasier: Mom? Mommy?
Gil: [entering] Patience, Daddy!
SMASH CUT TO: Frasier again wakes up from his dream in a panic and switches on the light in his bedroom.
[SCENE_BREAK]
THANK GOD HE WAS WRONG
ABOUT THAT "MOTHER" THING
Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. The middle of the night. Frasier is poring over textbooks at the kitchen table. Martin enters from his bedroom, groaning.
Martin: You'd think by now I'd know better than to have that third Slim Jim before going to bed. Couldn't sleep either, huh?
Frasier: No. Frankly, I'm sort of afraid to go back to sleep. It's that damn dream again.
Martin: Oh, what are you worried about? It's just a dream. Worst case scenario - the man-eating lion leaps on top of you and mauls you.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Dad, I wasn't completely truthful with you before. The dream is really about me in a motel room with a male companion, Gil Chesterton.
Martin: You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?
He absentmindedly turns on the TV. Frasier turns it off behind him.
Frasier: Dad, please, I'd really like to discuss this!
Martin: No, Frasier, please. This makes me very uncomfortable.
[he enters the kitchen with Frasier following him]
Frasier: Dad, please...
Martin: I know, I know... in your generation, men talk about everything. Everything's out in the open. [he begins to nervously clean the refrigerator and countertop, avoiding eye contact] You know what really drives me crazy is the way you all touch each other. Everybody hugs, you know? In my generation it was a... a handshake. That was good enough. Maybe if you felt especially close to someone you'd touch him on the shoulder, but never for more than two seconds. And don't talk to me about football players patting people's butts and everything, because that's different - that's sports, that's like war. Now, goodnight, son. [exits to the living room]
Frasier: Dad...!
Martin: Look, if you want to tell me something, write it on a post- it and stick it on the fridge.
Frasier: Look, I really want to talk about this! [Martin finally stops and faces Frasier] I've exhausted every other possible interpretation of this dream. Is it possible my subconscious is trying to tell me something about my sexuality?
Martin: Oh, that's ridiculous!
Frasier: Is it? I was sensitive as a child; I didn't go in for sports. God, it's every cliche in the book. Surely it must have occurred to you at some point? You refused to take me to see "West Side Story" on my eighth birthday.
Martin: Well, because of the gangs. That's scary for kids.
Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Martin: Especially gangs that dance! [then] All right. Yeah... okay, yeah, I thought about it. But no, Frasier, no... I don't believe that. And you know why? Because you would have known by now. Your unconscious or whatever the hell you call it could no more have kept its yap shut than the rest of you.
Frasier: I suppose you're right.
Martin: Yeah. Now, come on, it's after 3:00. You're gonna be all worn out before your show tomorrow.
Frasier: What a tragedy that would be.
Martin: Now what are you complaining about?
Frasier: Oh, I don't know. I just haven't had any really interesting calls lately. I'm beginning to question whether I'm not bored with psychiatry. [sits at the table]
Martin: Boy, you'd never know it with the way you got your nose stuck in all those books.
Frasier: That's true. The one saving grace about this dream is it's given me a chance to flex my analytical muscle a bit.
Martin: Ah, maybe it wasn't so bad after all.
Frasier: Wait a minute. Could that be what this has been all about? I've been so intellectually unchallenged lately by my show that my mind had to create a dream that defies interpretation just to give me a challenge?
Martin: I don't know. Keep talking, you're making me sleepy.
Frasier: Dad, no... that's got to be it! [stands] My show hasn't provided me with a single patient worthy of my skills and I had to invent one myself - me! Oh, God! What a relief. At last, finally, to bed. Dad, you've witnessed an epiphany!
[they move to the hall]
Martin: Yeah, God, I got to get you to put this on tape.
Frasier: [o.s.] Off we go. To sleep, perchance NOT to dream.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Four - The Motel Room. Frasier is once again lying in the bed, asleep. He awakens to find the tattoo is now gone and there is no more tequila bottle. He sits up and listens for the shower. Hearing nothing, he lies back, relieved. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. Frasier sits up in surprise and says "Come in." A man enters, the psychiatrist Dr. Siegmund Freud.
Freud: Dr. Crane, Dr. Siegmund Freud.
Frasier: Oh, my goodness! [they shake hands] It's quite an honor!
Freud: The honor is all mine. I gave you a complex psychological problem and you solved it. You are a brilliant psychiatrist.
Frasier: Oh, that's very flattering. You know, there are so many things I'd like to ask you!
Freud: In good time, my boy. In good time. Right now, we have more important matters.
He takes out some breath freshener and sprays it into his mouth. To Frasier's astonishment, Freud then climbs into bed with Frasier and lies back, spreading out his arms for an embrace.
CUT TO: an exterior shot of Frasier's apartment building, where we see a lone light switch on at the 19th floor. It appears Frasier is in for another sleepless night.
[N.B. For you Frasier trivia buffs, this is the only time Frasier's apartment has been shown from an exterior point of view.]
End of Act Two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
The clock reveals that's it's 3:10 a.m. Eddie is in the kitchen, hopping up and down, trying to grab a muffin on the kitchen counter. It is then revealed that Eddie was asleep on the couch, having his own dream. He jumps down from the couch and rushes to the kitchen. He begins to hop up and down to get a muffin, only there aren't any. He finally sulks back to the living room and lies back down, defeated.
[N.B. The footage used for the dream sequence is actually the same as the tag for Episode [1.22], "Author, Author."] | |
doc_330 | Scene: The apartment. The guys are studying a complex chart on the whiteboard.
Leonard: Hmmm.
Sheldon: The problem appears to be unsolvable.
Raj: Maybe you could run some computer simulations.
Howard: There are too many variables. It would take forever.
Leonard: We've got to be missing something. Let's start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.
Sheldon: Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.
Leonard: Why? They're state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.
Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.
Raj: What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.
Sheldon: They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
Leonard: Well, it's gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.
Raj: We could eat after the movie.
Sheldon: Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning's bowel movement occurring at work.
Raj: Hang on, hang on. There's a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.
Howard: Wow. I don't see how we missed that.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees?
Raj: That's how we missed it.
Leonard: Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad-hoc Slurpie-Icee equivalency?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, you know I can't do that.
Howard: Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Raj: Yep, I don't see any way around it.
Leonard: Bye, Sheldon.
Howard: See ya.
Raj: Later, dude.
Sheldon: They're right, it was the only option. Credits sequence.
Scene: The hallway. Sheldon is opening the apartment door. Penny comes running up stairs.
Penny: Ooh, ooh, shut the door, shut the door.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door.
Sheldon: Well, you didn't specify.
Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I'm sorry, I don't understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?
Penny: The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven't paid my rent.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I'm not sure I'm comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
Penny: It's no big deal. I'm just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.
Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the "check engine" light to you several months ago.
Penny: Well the "check engine" light is fine. It's still blinking away. It's the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it.
Sheldon: You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.
Penny: Yes, it occurs to me, too.
Sheldon: Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.
Penny: Wow, you got a lot of money in there.
Sheldon: That's why it's guarded by snakes. Take some.
Penny: Don't be silly.
Sheldon: I'm never silly. Here.
Penny: No, I can't.
Sheldon: Don't you need money?
Penny: Well, yeah, but...
Sheldon: This is money I'm not using.
Penny: But what if you need it?
Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.
Penny: Really? I mean, are you sure?
Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can't. Sheldon honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?
Penny: I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Sheldon: Of course you will. It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.
Penny: I'm regretting this already.
Scene: Entering the lobby of the building.
Sheldon: You know, I've given the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Ask me why.
Leonard: Do I have to?
Sheldon: Of course. That's how you move a conversation forward.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. How was work?
Penny: Great. I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Was that sarca..
Leonard: Stop it!
Sheldon: Penny, you appear to have a package here.
Penny: Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.
Sheldon: Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women's fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.
Leonard: He's not lying, he does find that fascinating.
Penny: Okay, whatever. It's not like I'm running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right?
Sheldon: All right.
Penny: Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?
Leonard: Weird.
Sheldon: Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn't sure.
Leonard: Did you guys have an argument?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, you clearly did something to aggravate her.
Sheldon: I'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there's a blunder I overlooked.
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here you go. Oh, you owe me another two dollars. The price of mu-shu pork went up.
Howard: It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew.
Leonard: Here you go, Penny. Shrimp with lobster sauce.
Penny: Thank you, Leonard. What's my share?
Leonard: Don't worry about it. It's my treat.
Penny: No, really, how much?
Leonard: It's, whatever. Ten, eleven dollars.
Penny: Well, which is it, ten or eleven?
Leonard: Fourteen fifty, but it's no biggie, you'll get the next one. (Raj whispers something to Howard)
Penny: What?
Howard: He was just wondering if he wore skintight jeans and a tank top if he'd get his shrimp lo mein for free.
Penny: What are you saying? That I'm using my body to get dinner? That I'm some kind of Chinese food prostitute?
Howard: Yeah, Raj, what are you saying?
Penny: 'Cause let me tell you something, buddy, I pay my own way in this world, okay? I don't rely on anybody! (Raj runs out of the room) What was that about?
Howard: He has a nervous bladder when he's stressed out. Kind of like a puppy.
Penny: Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.
Leonard: It was fourteen fifty, but it's okay.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Dinner's here.
Penny: Yes, dinner's here, and I'm having some. I'm having takeout food.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: You're damn right it's okay. I've been having leftovers at the restaurant for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.
Sheldon: Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.
Penny: Sheldon, look, I will pay you back as soon as I can. You just have to give me more time.
Leonard: Oh, wait, you lent her money?
Penny: She needed money. You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more.
Penny: Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn't you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can't pay her bills.
Leonard: Where are you going?
Penny: Going home, where I won't be interrogated like a criminal. I forgot my fortune cookie.
Sheldon: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I've moved my money out of the snake can.
Leonard: But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern's ass.
Scene: Penny's apartment.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: A little mood lighting, huh?
Penny: Yeah. When I didn't pay my bill, the Department of Water and Power thought I would enjoy the ambience.
Leonard: Yeah, they're very considerate that way.
Penny: I used Sheldon's money to pay my rent, then I had like fourteen dollars left over.
Leonard: Fourteen dollars, huh?
Penny: Put it back in your pocket, or I'll find some other place to put it.
Leonard: Back in the pocket it goes. Look, you do understand that Sheldon really doesn't care when he gets the money back. It's actually one of the few idiosyncrasies that doesn't make you want to, you know, kill him.
Penny: Yeah, well, that's not really my big problem.
Leonard: So you're a little behind on your bills. Everybody gets behind on their bills.
Penny: Yeah, I know, it's just, this wasn't the plan, it wasn't supposed to go this way.
Leonard: Well, what was the plan?
Penny: Um, waitress for six months and then become a movie star.
Leonard: Was there a plan B?
Penny: TV star.
Leonard: It's probably not as bad as you think. Let's take a look. Maybe we can find some corners to cut. Oh, here's something, if you don't have electricity, then you probably don't need cable. Just a suggestion. 170 dollars for acting classes?
Penny: Oh, no, I can't give up my acting classes. I'm a professional actress.
Leonard: You've had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard: Actually, it kind of... let's keep looking. Whoa, what's eighteen hundred dollars to the Los Angeles County Superior Court?
Penny: Oh, that's nothing.
Leonard: Nothing? It sounds like you got caught speeding going 4,000 miles an hour.
Penny: Well, remember Kurt?
Leonard: Your ex-boyfriend?
Penny: Yeah. He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard: I would hope so.
Penny: Anyway, he had a bunch of outstanding tickets and a bench warrant, so I, you know, I paid his fines.
Leonard: Did he pay you back?
Penny: No, but he will.
Leonard: And that's based on the inherent credit-worthiness of people who get drunk and urinate on police vehicles?
Penny: Leonard, I'm not gonna call up Kurt and ask him for money.
Leonard: Well what are you gonna do?
Penny: I don't know, but I may have to find a cheaper place to live.
Leonard: Oh, no. Oh, you don't want to do that.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Well, moving is a big deal. You have to go to the supermarket and get boxes, and if they're not clean, then your books smell like melons, and it's just, like... Why don't you just get a roommate and stay here?
Penny: Well, do you know anybody?
Leonard: Well, I'm sure the guy living with Sheldon wouldn't mind moving in with you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, honey, if we started living together, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: And you thought my acting lessons were a waste of money.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Howard: Ugh. This mu-shu pork's burning a hole through my duodenum.
Raj: Leviticus 11:3: "Only that which parteth the hoof and cheweth the cud among the beasts shall ye eat."
Howard: Hey, do I mock you with the Bhagavad-Gita every time you scarf down a Whopper?
Leonard: Hey, what's going on?
Raj: We're on a quest through the Valley of Fire to acquire the sacred crown.
Howard: You want the Valley of Fire? It's right here.
Leonard: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?
Sheldon: Outside? I just made cocoa.
Leonard: - Come on. It'll be fun.
Howard: What is it?
Leonard: Do you guys remember Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt? (They all hold their hands above their heads) Yeah, that's him. It turns out he owes Penny a lot of money, and I'm gonna go get it from him. Who's with me?
Howard: Ooh, double sixes.
Leonard: Really? You're just gonna let me go by myself?
Raj: Oh, cool, I got a sword.
Leonard: I could use some help.
Raj: Here.
Leonard: You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there's real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?
Leonard: I do.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don't.
Leonard: I'm not afraid of him.
Sheldon: All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny's steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.
Leonard: Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn't Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?
Sheldon: They did.
Leonard: Well?
Sheldon: They had a terrible time of it, Leonard.
Raj: Plus, no one stole their pants.
Leonard: Fine. Just enjoy your little game. I'll make this quest on my own.
Howard: Leonard, wait. Take a jacket, it's spritzing a little.
Leonard: You guys suck. (Leaves. Comes back) Come on, please? He's so big.
Scene: Outside Kurt's door.
Leonard: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrappali's going to wet himself, I'm gonna throw up, Sheldon's gonna run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Guys, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
Leonard: Okay, how about this? I'll do the talking, you just stand behind me and try to look formidable.
Raj: I should've peed before we left.
Kurt: Yeah?
Leonard: Hi, Kurt.
Kurt: Lenny, right?
Leonard: I don't really go by Lenny, but that's okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.
Kurt: No. What do you want?
Sheldon: You don't remember me? How could he not remember me?
Leonard: Sheldon, not now.
Sheldon: I remember him.
Leonard: Okay, here it is. Penny's in kind of a financial jam, and the money that you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems.
Kurt: And she sent you to get it from me?
Leonard: No, no, she's too proud to ask for the money. I, on the other hand, feel you should honour your debt.
Kurt: You do?
Leonard: Feel is a kind of a... it's a strong word. Um, I just think it would be a nice gesture on your part.
Kurt: She'll get it when she gets it.
Howard: Well, there you go. Problem solved.
Raj: A successful quest. Now let's go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
Leonard: No, the problem isn't solved. He just blew us off.
Sheldon: I've got it. He didn't remember me because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.
Howard: Come on, Leonard, let's go
Leonard: No. You can leave if you want to. I'm gonna see this through.
Howard: Okay. (They leave)
Leonard: I guess, technically, that was my fault. (Knocks) I'm not leaving here without Penny's money.
Kurt: What happened to your backup?
Leonard: I don't need backup. I have right on my side. And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
Scene: Leonard's car.
Sheldon: Congratulations. You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgment of the debt. (Leonard has "I owe Penny $1800, Kurt" written on his forehead.)
Howard: Maybe we should have your head notarized.
Raj: If anybody cares, I still have to pee.
Scene: Outside the apartment. Penny knocks.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hey, is Sheldon here?
Leonard: Yeah. Hang on. Sheldon!
Penny: Nice hat.
Leonard: It's kind of a fashionable look these days.
Penny: Maybe if you're working on a tuna boat.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Darn. I can't seem to get the hang of that.
Leonard: Hey, I know it's none of my business, but where did the money come from?
Penny: Well, I cut back my expenses like you said and picked up a few more hours at the restaurant, but the biggest thing was, out of the blue, Kurt shows up and gives me the money he owes me.
Leonard: Really? Did he say why?
Penny: Yes, he said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right.
Leonard: That's it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany?
Penny: Nope. I just think he's really changed. We're having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.
Leonard: Bye.
Sheldon: Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn't seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it's his nature.
Leonard: Penny's hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead!
Sheldon: That's your badge of honour, your warrior's wound, if you will. I was wrong, minstrels will write songs about you.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon (sings): There once was a brave lad named Leonard, with a fi-fi-fiddle-dee-dee. He faced a fearsome giant, while Raj just wanted to pee. | |
doc_331 | [Scene: The Capeside High Cafeteria. Jen and Jack are sitting at a table eating their lunch together.]
Jen: Ok, please, just give me something. Anything. A small juicy little morsel just to tide me over so I can keep on living vicariously through you.
Jack: First of all, when discussing my love life, try not to use the word juicy or morsel. Ok? It cheapens me.
Jen: Fine. Fine. But you and Tobey are going out again, right?
Jack: Yes, we are going out again.
Jen: And?
Jack: And that's all you're getting.
Jen: Might I remind you that it was me that got the 2 of you together?
Jack: Mm-hmm.
Jen: Don't make me beg. Because I'll do it and it won't be pretty.
[Drue comes up and takes a seat at their table.]
Drue: Actually, begging happens to be a great look for you. Especially when you stick out that pouty lower lip. It's very sexy.
Jen: Well, I must be off my game, Drue. Normally I can smell you coming a mile away.
Drue: Be nice or you won't get your yearbooks.
[He hands them each a yearbook.]
Jen: Ooh!
Jack: Nice.
Jen: That is uncharacteristically nice of you. What's going on?
Drue: Hey, how many prom drownings do I have to rescue you from before you accept the new me?
Jen: Maybe one...or two.
Drue: Hmm. If we can all turn to page 53 in our prayer books, I think we should bow our heads in a moment of silence.
[They open the books to see the picture of Pacey and Joey, Class Couple.]
Jen: I wonder if they've seen this yet?
Jack: Or if they're talking yet?
Drue: I wonder if anyone besides you 2 cares?
Jen: Well, as far as I know, they haven't said so much as a hello since the prom debacle.
Jack: Same goes for Dawson and Gretchen.
Jen: See, that confuses me. I mean, I was sure that they would've gotten back together by now. They're so good for each other.
Jack: Well, you know, long distance relationships can be tough. He's gonna be in L.A. You know, the way I see it, if anybody's getting back together, Joey and Pacey.
Drue: Blah, blah, blah. All you guys do is talk. You know what? I say it's time we take some action.
[Takes out some money and holds it in front of them.]
Drue: [Chuckles] Who will live to suck face another day? Will it be Joey and Pacey? Gretchen and Dawson? Both...or neither?
Jack: It's disgusting.
Jen: Yeah, it's really inappropriate, Drue.
Jack: Jen, spot me 2 bucks.
Jen: I can do that. I got it here. I have a 20. Take it all the way, baby.
[Dawson and Joey walk up and they quickly hide the money.]
Dawson: Hey, guys, what's up?
Jack: Whoa!
Jen: Dawson, Joey.
Jack: You guys eaten?
[Jen shows Joey a picture]
Jen: Cute, huh?
Joey: Aw.
[Opening Credits]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Dawson is working on his computer when his mother comes into the room]
Gale: [Knock on door] Busy?
Dawson: Oh, yeah. I'm just doing some last looks on this Brooks film before I send it off to USC. If I got any chance at all of getting in their summer program this has to be out by tomorrow.
Gale: Honey, have you talked to Gretchen yet?
Dawson: [Sigh] There's not really much to talk about.
Gale: But are you ok with the way things were left between the 2 of you?
Dawson: Well, I'm not doing cartwheels. But, you know, what do you expect? I'm sure we'll eventually find a way to restore our friendship.
Gale: Well, I don't see how you're gonna restore your friendship if you're not speaking.
Dawson: Well, it's my friendship so I'll handle it.
[Gale gets up to go but turns back to him]
Gale: Gretchen's leaving town.
Dawson: When? How do you know?
Gale: She gave her notice a couple days ago. Today's her last day at the restaurant. So it must be soon then. I just thought you'd want to know if you want to say good-bye.
Dawson: Well, she didn't tell me she was leaving. So obviously she doesn't want me to know.
Gale: No. No, the truth is, Dawson, you don't know what Gretchen's thinking right now. So why don't you go over there and find out? You could, uh...ask her to sign your yearbook, that's always a good way to start a conversation.
Dawson: Mom, I appreciate the effort, but aside from that being a painfully lame idea, that's such a thinly veiled attempt at a reconciliation I'm not even sure there's a veil there.
Gale: Well, then I'm sure you'll think of something better. But if you want to keep Gretchen in your life, honey, you're gonna have to talk to her, and you're gonna have to do it soon.
[Scene: Outside Pacey and Gretchen's Place. Pacey is fixing her car, when she comes out carrying a pop and a sandwich.]
Gretchen: Hey. How's it going?
Pacey: This baby should run for another 2,000-3,000 miles, easy. Though it wouldn't kill you to change the oil every once in a millennium.
Gretchen: I'll try and remember that. Oh, I talked to the landlord, and we're officially paid up till the end of next month. And after that the lease is up.
Pacey: Thanks for doing that.
Gretchen: No problem.
Pacey: Consider it payment for the work you've done on my car.
Gretchen: You want this?
[She hands him the sandwich]
Pacey: Thanks.
Gretchen: [Sigh] So how are you?
Pacey: Uh...to tell you the truth, I've had better days. How about yourself? You talked to Dawson lately?
Gretchen: No. I don't know if I'm avoiding him or he's avoiding me.
Pacey: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Gretchen: Joey?
Pacey: Same thing.
Gretchen: I'm really sorry, Pace.
Pacey: Do you think it's possible that you and I might actually feel better if we were to deal with our significant exs instead of just holing up in this cozy little beach house?
Gretchen: Probably. But that doesn't mean I'm actually ready to go out there and cope.
Pacey: Me neither. [Sigh] Maybe it's genetic.
Gretchen: Mm-hmm.
[Scene: Grams' House. A realtor is showing a man and woman around the house when Jen comes inside.]
Realtor: The House just went onto the Market a few days ago, and I don't think it will be on it for very long.
Man: You know, I think if we tore apart that upstairs room, it would make a great gym.
Woman: Mmm. I was thinking the exact same thing. Lots of steel, maybe
Jen: That's my room.
Woman: And all this wallpaper would have to go.
Realtor: Well, there's tons of possibilities. Why don't you take another look around? [The couple leave] You must be Jennifer. I've heard so much about you. And congratulations on Boston Bay College, by the way.
Jen: I'm sorry, but who are you?
Realtor: I'm Dana Borkow. I'm the realtor. Didn't you know? Your grandmother's selling her house.
[Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey is setting a table, when Mr. Kubelik comes walking up to her.]
Mr. Kubelik: Joey Potter. I was hoping to run into you.
Joey: It's nice to see you again, Mr. Kubelik.
Mr. Kubelik: You're coming to my party tomorrow night, yes?
Joey: I wouldn't miss it.
Mr. Kubelik: And I hope that you're bringing that charming boyfriend of yours. Pacey, was it? He certainly did liven up the last party.
Joey: Oh, uh-- well, actually, um-- certain things have kind of changed since the last party. Um, Pacey and I, uh... we, uh... well, we-- we kind of broke up.
Mr. Kubelik: Oh. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I take it you're still on good terms, huh?
Joey: Yeah, sure. We talk all the time.
Mr. Kubelik: I'm glad to hear that, because Dean Newman and I were hoping to chat with him tomorrow night about a rather pressing matter.
Joey: The Dean of admissions?
Mr. Kubelik: Yeah, we have an offer we want to discuss with him.
Joey: Yeah, sure. I'm--I'm sure that Pacey would like to talk to you.
Mr. Kubelik: Ok. Well, then I'll see you both tomorrow night then.
Joey: Ok.
Mr. Kubelik: Have a good day.
Joey: You, too.
[Scene: Grams' House. Grams and Jen are having a discussion about selling the house.]
Grams: Forgive me, Jennifer, I didn't realize I needed your permission to sell my own house.
Jen: Well, it's not about permission, but since you're basically doing this for me, why shouldn't I have a say in the matter?
Grams: What makes you think I'm doing this for you?
Jen: Ok. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that this is not about sending me to college.
Grams: Look, I admit that money from the house will primarily go towards your tuition. But that is not the only reason for my decision.
Jen: All right. Well, then by all means, enlighten me.
Grams: [Sigh] You are moving on to the next phase in your life, and I need to do the same. Which is why I've decided to move to La Brea Park.
Jen: Ok. Run that by me one more time because when you say La Brea Park, I think retirement community with bunnies and lawn bowling tournaments, and aside from your habitual knitting and your penchant for Metamucil, you-- you're far too young and far too hip to be living in a place like that.
Grams: Jennifer, just because a community has the word retirement in front of it doesn't automatically mean it's a bad place. Oh, honestly, Jennifer, I didn't realize you were such an ageist.
Jen: Oh, I'm not an ageist. I'm not an age-- an "ist" anything. I wanna go see this fabulous park of yours.
[Scene: The Leery Fish House. Gretchen is working at the bar, when Dawson comes in and slowly walks up to the bar carrying his yearbook.]
Gretchen: Hey, you.
Dawson: Hey. I thought you might want to sign that. [hands her the book]Before you leave town.
Gretchen: Well, you're nothing if not direct.
Dawson: Were you really just gonna slip out of town without even saying good-bye?
Gretchen: I was thinking about it, yeah. Maybe.
Dawson: You know what? Then in that case, just pretend I never did stop by.
[He grabs the book and begins to leave]
Gretchen: Or maybe I was thinking about how to say good-bye to you all week.
Dawson: So where are you going?
Gretchen: Back to school. I signed up for some summer classes to make up some of the units I missed this year.
Dawson: [Deep breath] How soon do classes start?
Gretchen: Not for over a month.
Dawson: Ok.
Gretchen: But I'm gonna take a little road trip before that. Do some traveling while I still have the time.
Dawson: It, uh...sounds like fun.
Gretchen: I leave the day after tomorrow.
Dawson: Do you? That soon?
Gretchen: I know.
Dawson: That's--that's... that's really soon. I feel ill-prepared.
Gretchen: Well, you still have a whole day and a half to come up with some fantastic going away speech for me.
Dawson: All right.
[Dawson turns to leave]
Gretchen: But I would like to sign that. Can I? [Dawson slides the book to her] Can I have some time with it?
Dawson: Sure. Yeah. Just as long as you realize that the longer you have it, the less acceptable "have a bitchin' summer" is gonna be.
Gretchen: Ok.
Dawson: Ok.
[Scene: Pacey and Gretchen's Place. Joey is standing outside the door, and finally knocks. Pacey comes to answer the door.]
Joey: [Sigh] Hey.
Pacey: I was beginning to wonder if you were ever gonna knock.
Joey: You saw me standing out here?
Pacey: No.
Joey: Ok, um...[Clears throat] Here's the thing. Um... I ran into Mr. Kubelik today. Remember him? He's the Worthington guy and he remembered you, and he asked me to bring you to this party that they're having tomorrow night for all the new freshmen. And he thought that we were still together, and I said that things were weird between us. But then he said he had this offer for you and he mentioned the Dean of admissions, and I'm thinking what else could he be talking about other than Worthington and you. And, you know, maybe there's some loophole or he-- there's some special program and I
Pacey: I miss you, Jo.
Joey: I miss you, too.
Pacey: You know, I've been... replaying everything that happened at that stupid prom. Wasn't supposed to end like that. We're not supposed to end like that. Right?
Joey: I wish you'd come to the party with me.
Pacey: Yeah. Of course.
Joey: And, uh-- I'll see you tomorrow.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Outside the store, Pacey and Gretchen exit the store and walk over to her car carrying bags of groceries.]
Pacey: Ok. So riddle me this. How many Funyons can a tiny little woman like you possibly consume on one little road trip?
Gretchen: Don't change the subject.
Pacey: I'm not changing the subject. I'm just steering it in a different direction on purpose.
Gretchen: Look, I just don't think you should go to the party tonight, pace. I mean, even if you and Joey are supposed to be together, you both need to take some time apart to figure out what went wrong. Otherwise you're gonna wind up making the same mistakes all over again. Trust me. I know from whence I speak.
Pacey: Trust you? Miss pack-up-and-leave-town? Forgive me if you're not exactly my relationship role model right now.
Gretchen: I'm just trying to help, pace. I don't want to see you getting hurt.
Pacey: Well, it's too late for that. I'm already hurt. And that's exactly the situation I'm trying to rectify. That's why I gotta go to this party, just to see what the gods have in store for me.
Gretchen: You mean Kubelik and his mysterious offer?
Pacey: Yeah. Look, I know as well as you do that this is a long shot. But what other choice do I have? I need a sign. I need someone or something to tell me what to do. To show me what's right 'cause I don't know what to do anymore. And if this guy's gonna offer me a chance to go to Worthington, then I have my answer and I know for sure.
Gretchen: What will you know?
Pacey: Well, that I'm supposed to be with her. Ah, look. Gretch? If it's all right with you I think I'm gonna walk home.
Gretchen: Yeah.
[He puts the bags in her car, then turns back to her.]
Pacey: So, then... this is it. You're really gonna leave tomorrow morning?
Gretchen: Well, long before you're up, snoozer.
[He gives her a huge hug.]
Gretchen: Hey! What's this? Ha ha.
Pacey: I'm really glad you came home this year, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Sure you are. You got a sweet beach house out of the deal.
Pacey: Yeah, I did. But it would not have been the same if it wasn't for you. So, I just want you to know that, you know, your little brother-- well, you know.
Gretchen: I love you, too, Pace.
Pacey: Yeah.
Gretchen: [Laughs] And even better than that-- I mean, all familial obligations aside-- I actually like you.
Pacey: Well, you're not so bad yourself.
Gretchen: Yeah, I know.
Pacey: Good-bye, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Good-bye.
Pacey: Bye.
[Scene: The La Brea Park. Grams and Jen pull up to the guard station and wait for the guard. A really old female guard walks up to the car.]
Guard: Last name?
Grams: Oh, hello. Um-- I was here a few days ago
Guard: Last name?
Guard: Ryan. Evelyn Ryan.
[The Guard goes back to check her list]
Jen: Huh. She's a crusty old broad. I wonder what she'd do if we just gunned it? I mean, how would she catch us? In one of those little golf carts, you think? You know, I seriously think we could take her.
Grams: Jennifer, please.
Jen: Just making a joke.
[Guard comes back with a pass]
Guard: Here you go. Next time go to gate 3 first to get your pass.
Grams: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
Guard: Everyone needs a pass. Residents get a permanent pass. If they have visitors, they're supposed to call in advance to get a pass. Nobody gets in without a pass.
[Scene: The Leery Living room. Mitch and Dawson have just finished watching his movie of Mr. Brooks.]
Mitch: I don't know how you did it, Dawson, but you managed to make Mr. Brooks seem like Harrison Ford.
Dawson: So it's ok then?
Mitch: Well, as your father, I am prone to subjectivity, but when USC calls and begs you to join their program, remember you heard it here first. It is great. But I can see that your mind's on other things.
Dawson: [Sigh]
Mitch: Want to talk about it?
Dawson: Not really. But thank you for watching this. I really needed an opinion from somebody other than Brooks. You know? I mean, how could a man with an ego that big not love a movie that's all about him?
Mitch: That man was a real wild card, huh? I can't get over how much he reminded me of you.
Dawson: I remind you of him?
Mitch: Well, that part where he talks about that girl? How she jumped over the counter, they went off to California together, they didn't even know each other? Who does that?
Dawson: Hitchhikers.
Mitch: Risk takers. Dreamers. People who understand that every once in a while, an opportunity presents itself. And whatever they decide to do in that moment will change the rest of their lives forever. Brooks could have told that girl to get lost. He could have gone off to California alone like he planned, but he didn't.
Dawson: No, he didn't.
Mitch: Because he knew. Very few men are lucky enough to actually see those moments, Dawson. He was really an inspiration.
Dawson: Yeah. I... I guess he is.
[Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Pacey comes walking up, to find Joey outside on the porch waiting.]
Pacey: Hey. You know, you didn't have to wait outside for me. I would've rung the doorbell like a proper gentleman.
Joey: I've been ready for an hour, which has given me far too much time to look at myself in the mirror. Never a good thing.
Pacey: Right.
[She walks down the stairs and is about to kiss him when she stops herself.]
Joey: Um...we should go.
Pacey: Yeah. Good idea.
[Clears throat]
[Sigh]
[Scene: Gram's House. Grams and Jen are talking about their visit to the retirement community.]
Jen: You're not moving there.
Grams: I've looked at other places. They are simply not affordable. I'm sure with time I'll be able to acclimate to La Brae Park quite nicely.
Jen: Ok, you're not listening to me. See, I'm not gonna allow you to make such an enormous sacrifice.
Grams: This is not a sacrifice. This is my gift to you.
Jen: Well, I don't want it.
Grams: You don't want to go to college?
Jen: No. No, not like this. The fact is is that I should've applied for a student loan. Just because I wouldn't take money from my parents doesn't mean that I need to burden you with my entire college tuition. [Sigh] Look, when you offered to help me out, I--I assumed that you had some sort of savings. I didn't think that I was gonna put you into hock.
Grams: Jennifer, this is not your problem. Look, can we please not have this conversation?
Jen: I'm not going to Boston, and I'm not letting you sell this house.
Grams: [Sigh]
[Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey and Pacey have arrived at the party, and find Mr. Kubelik there.]
Mr. Kubelik: Hey.
Joey: Hey. It's 7:00 and the party's already swinging. I'm impressed.
Mr. Kubelik: Well, I take no credit. The promise of free food always draws a crowd. You look lovely, Joey. And I see you brought your friend.
Pacey: It's good to see you again, Mr. Kubelik. Thanks for inviting me tonight.
Mr. Kubelik: Oh, absolutely. I'm glad you're here.
Joey: Oh, well, that's Pacey. He never misses an opportunity to show himself off in a suit.
Brad: I think we've gathered everyone by the fireplace, sir.
Joey: Wonderful.
Mr. Kubelik: Joey, why don't you join Brad? We're taking a few photographs of next year's freshmen.
[Brad takes her hand.]
Brad: I'll lead the way.
Joey: I'll be right back.
Pacey: Ok.
[Joey and Brad leave]
Pacey: So. What do you say you and I go find that dean of yours, huh?
Mr. Kubelik: All right.
[Scene: Gretchen and Pacey's Place. Gretchen comes out carrying a box, when Dawson comes walking up to the porch. It is night time out.]
Dawson: [Chuckles] I thought you weren't leaving till tomorrow.
Gretchen: Hey, uh, no. I was just pre-packing the car. What's up?
[He takes the box from her arms and puts it on the ground]
Dawson: I want to go with you.
Gretchen: W-what? Why?
Dawson: Because if you leave now, I am always gonna wonder "what if?" What if there were no pending college departures? What if there were no job offers in Boston? What if there was no Joey. What if it was just you and me, on the open road, with nothing but our hearts to guide us? Would we have worked? You said the reason we broke up is because you don't belong here. Fine. Let's get out of here and just... see what happens.
Gretchen: Dawson, this is crazy. I mean, come on, you can't just pick up and leave.
Dawson: Why not? Give me one good reason.
Gretchen: Ok, um, graduation. I mean, your ceremony's less than a week away.
Dawson: You mean the ceremony where I sit there and listen to other people talk for 3 hours? Before I walk across the football field in a goofy cap and gown, to pick up a piece of paper, which isn't even a real diploma? I'm sorry, that experience is not rich enough to warrant me lying awake at night, regretting that I did not have the guts to take this trip with you.
Gretchen: Fine. Ok, forget graduation. I'm gonna stick with my first reason.
Dawson: Which was?
Gretchen: This is crazy!
Dawson: Yeah. It is. It's nuts! It's completely ludicrous. And you can't think of one good reason why I should not come with you, Gretchen. Something in my gut is telling me that this is our moment. We can't let this slip by.
Gretchen: Dawson, I
[Dawson kisses her]
Dawson: just say yes.
Gretchen: Yes. It's not where you come from.
[They look happy at their decision hugging each other]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Dawson is trying to writer a note to his parent about leaving, and all he has is Dear Mom and Dad when Gale comes into the room carrying the baby.]
Gale: Dawson...
Dawson: Hey, there, beautiful.
Gale: Honey, I have got a crisis down at the restaurant. I was wondering, could you watch her for a few hours?
Dawson: I would love to.
Gale: She is so good with you. I swear, she knows you already. Oh, um, did you get a chance to talk to Gretchen yet?
Dawson: Um, yeah. She's coming over tonight.
Gale: Oh, good, honey. I'm glad you 2 are working things out. Good-bye, sweetheart.
[Gale leaves, and Dawson tries to go back to the letter, but can't think of what to write.]
Dawson: Don't look at me like that. That was technically not a lie. That was a lie by omission. It's not the same thing at all.
[Baby coos]
Dawson: [Sigh] You know, I really don't feel guilty about the whole mom and dad thing. I mean, yeah, it is a big deal to watch their son graduate from high school, but at the same time, I'm saving them from an excruciatingly long ceremony. That's a gift right there.
[Baby cooing]
Dawson: All right, so it's not a gift. But you know what? Honestly, I feel like I've earned the right to disappoint them a little bit. I mean, I've spent the last 18 years making everybody around me happy. I think it's high time I pursued a little happiness of my own. But if it's not guilt, then why am I having such a hard time writing this letter?
[Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Mr. Kubelik and Pacey come up to join Mr. Newman.]
Mr. Kubelik: Pacey, you've met the dean of the college. This is our dean of admissions, Andrew Hill Newman.
Pacey: Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Newman, or Dean Newman, whichever you prefer.
Mr. Newman: Nice to meet you, Pacey. Mr. Kubelik's told me all sorts of wonderful things about you.
Mr. Kubelik: Andrew here is chartering my boat for the summer.
Pacey: Is that right?
Mr. Newman: Yes, I've decided to take a trip around the Caribbean Islands. I've heard that you spent last summer sailing.
Pacey: I did indeed.
Mr. Newman: Feel pretty comfortable spending long periods of time at sea?
Pacey: Well, I feel about as comfortable as a kid in a candy store, yeah.
Mr. Newman: This could work.
Mr. Kubelik: I thought so.
Pacey: What could work?
Mr. Kubelik: Pacey, how would you like to work on my yacht for the summer, as one of the deck hands?
Pacey: Is that all you wanted to talk to me about, is a summer job?
Mr. Kubelik: Yeah, if you haven't got one already. The pay isn't the greatest, but you'll have plenty of time to yourself to explore the islands, and it should be an experience that you'll never forget.
Pacey: Well, this is, uh... a little unexpected. But I'm really, I'm truly flattered, gentlemen.
Mr. Kubelik: Well, take some time to think about it.
Pacey: Ok. It was a pleasure meeting you, sir.
Mr. Newman: Yes. Thank you.
[Pacey turns and loks over his shoulder and notices Joey happily talking to the others.]
[Scene: Grams Front Porch. Jack is drinking a Cappuccino while Jen is trying to convince him about Grams.]
Jen: So, bottom line is that I'll get to Boston bay eventually, I'll just, um, go to state for a few semesters and--and save the money that I would have spent on tuition and dorm and I'll meet you there in, like, a year or 2. Jack, I'm sure that you can understand my situation here. I--I mean, I can hardly allow my grandmother to--to live a destitute existence in some retirement community just so that I can enjoy, you know, frat parties and higher education. It's not right, and I won't do it.
Jack: Mm-hmm. [Jack just focused on his mug in front of him.] This is awful foamy.
Jen: [Sniffs] Ok, listen... grams needs me. When I came here 3 years ago, she took me in. She took care of me. What do you want me to do now? Just turn my back on her?
Jack: No, I completely understand.
Jen: Yeah?
Jack: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think what you're doing for your grandmother is beautiful and awfully selfless.
Jen: Thanks.
Jack: Mm-hmm. Just a little bit convenient, though.
Jen: I knew there was something else coming. All right. How do you come up with convenient?
Jack: Well, I can't help but notice that, although you're clearly swimming in a vat of guilt over leaving your best friend in a lurch like this, you also seem to be just a bit, uh, relieved. It's as if you're happy to have found something to get you off the hook, so that you don't have to go away to college. And not only do you not have to go, you then become Jen of arc, the martyr-saint, willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of her grandmother's.
Jen: Jack, that's ridiculous, all right? Why on earth would I not want to go away to college?
Jack: Because you're scared. I mean, think about it. You're leaving the only town in which you ever felt safe. The only person who-- who cared enough to devote her entire life to you.
Jen: Ok, I'm--I hear what you're saying, buy, um-- but it--it's not that easy. I mean, I can't just leave her alone.
Jack: I'm not saying you should. Look, I know grams needs you, but you need her just as much, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'd be scared to go to school without you.
Jen: Ok, I admit it. I'm an 18-year-old woman who's afraid to be away from her grammy. What am I gonna do?
Jack: I think you know what to do.
[Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Pacey leans back against a wall, and Joey comes over to him after a short time.]
Joey: Hey, there you are. Been looking all over for you. [She sees the look on his face] What's wrong?
Pacey: Um, well... Kubelik wants me to work on his boat this summer. That's what the offer was about. It didn't have anything to do with going to Worthington.
Joey: Let's go.
Pacey: Uh, you know what? I think I'll go. But I think that you should stay here, Jo. I've been watching you in there. You've been... gliding from conversation to conversation with complete confidence and ease this time. I don't know if you remember the last Worthington party that you and I attended together, but... you were kind of a jumble of nerves. I guess I was kind of hoping that... you would need for me to be your savior again tonight. But...that's no longer the case. You don't need that now. Everything's different. I think that they're better this way. The only thing that remains the same is you're still the most beautiful girl in the room.
Joey: Pace
Pacey: Jo, you can't leave. I mean, this is it now. This is... this is your life, and you should enjoy it.
Joey: How can I enjoy it without you? [She grabs his arm and pulls him along.] Let's go.
[Scene: Dawson's living room. Dawson is sitting in the chair with the baby sleeping in his arms, when Gretchen comes into the house and quietly walks up to him.]
Gretchen: [Quietly] Hey.
Dawson: I was wondering when you were going to get here. Are you done packing?
Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. But you know how they say making your own boxes is really easy?
Dawson: Yeah.
Gretchen: They lied. She sleeping?
Dawson: Yeah, she went down about half an hour ago.
[Dawson gets up and puts the baby into it's chair to sleep.]
Gretchen: Oh... cute. [Gretchen chuckles] Ok, can I just say that you're the cutest thing in the world right now?
Dawson: Why?
Gretchen: Look at you, all papa Dawson.
Dawson: I don't know. I never thought I would get so into this stuff. You know? But-- I mean, I was happy about the idea of a baby sister, but I just...I never thought I would get this attached. She's so small and-- and perfect and... helpless. When she smiles, it just... uhh. It just breaks my heart. Man, I can't believe how much I'm gonna miss when I'm in school. By the time I get back she's gonna be this fully walking, talking little person.
Gretchen: That's true.
Dawson: She and Alexander are gonna be about the same age, so... I wonder if they'll end up climbing in and out of each other's windows. You know, becoming best friends.
[Gretchen notices the link to him and Joey.]
Gretchen: I don't know. So, how did it go with that letter to your parents?
Dawson: I'm, uh... still working on it.
Gretchen: Well, you think that one's hard, wait until you try to write Joey's. [She just looks at him knowingly] That's ok, Dawson. I expected you to. Ok. Well, I should get back. I may be done packing, but the cleaning festivities have only just begun.
Dawson: Good luck.
Gretchen: Thanks.
[She kisses him, then looks fondly into his eyes.]
Gretchen: Good-bye.
Dawson: Bye.
[Scene: The Potter B&B. Pacey and Joey walk into the door, and Pacey uncomfortable stays by the open door.]
Pacey: So, uh... good night.
Joey: Thanks for coming, pace.
Pacey: Well, thanks for asking. I just, I'm sorry--
Joey: I'm sorry.
Pacey: You don't have anything to be sorry for, Jo. It's me. So I
Joey: Pace... do you think maybe I could come and stay with you tonight? We could just...sleep.
Pacey: Yeah.
[They hug each other.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Grams' Kitchen. Grams is making pancakes when Jen walks into the kitchen half asleep.]
Grams: So...did you talk to Jack last night? Did he tell you you were making the biggest mistake of your life?
Jen: What ever happened to "good morning"? Or "have some java"?
Grams: I would never refer to coffee as java. Now, what did Jack say?
Jen: Oh, you know. Stuff.
[Coffee grinder starts]
Grams: Could you be a little more specific, please?
Jen: What's that? I'm sorry. I can't hear you over these beans.
Grams: Fine. You want to play games, that's just fine. I'm really not that interested, anyway.
Jen: How would you like to move to Boston?
Grams: Now what kind of nonsense are you talking?
Jen: Nothing nonsensical here at all. Dead serious.
Grams: I know what you're doing, Jennifer. It's one of the reasons I love you so much. You have a big, beautiful heart, but... I will not allow you to do this for me.
Jen: Well, maybe I'm doing it for me. Look, moving to Boston, going away to college, um...it scares me. And somehow, the idea of having you nearby, just to know that you're there, will--you know, it scares me less. So, before you start writing sonnets about my big, beautiful heart, you should know that I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this 'cause my big, selfish heart wants you to be there. So will you please go with me?
Grams: Oh, I don't know. It's... such an overwhelming concept. I wouldn't know where to begin.
Jen: Well, you start by calling movers
Grams: It's not that simple, Jennifer. First of all, I would have to find a place to live
Jen: All right, I'll give you that. It would be difficult to find a place as nice as La Brea Park.
Grams: Well, even if I could find a suitable home, what would I do in Boston? How would I spend my time?
Jen: Any way you like. Maybe a change of scenery would serve to... inspire you to try new things. Meet new people.
Grams: No, I'm--I'm too old for such things.
Jen: Please! You, who have seen more action in the romance department than I have this year. You're the youngest grandma I know. So, will you please just quit it with these pitiful excuses and say yes?
Grams: You're sure I wouldn't cramp your style?
Jen: [Chuckles] I'm sure you will.
[Jen gives her a pouty face.]
[Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club docks. Pacey is sitting staring out into the water, when Joey walks up to join him.]
Joey: Somehow I knew I'd find you here.
Pacey: I meant to sneak back in before you woke up.
Joey: How long have you been out here?
Pacey: Uh...I don't know. Couple hours, maybe. Watched the sun come up this morning. I don't think I've done that since we were sailing around together on the true love. Which...feels like a million years ago, doesn't it?
Joey: [Sighs] Hey, pace... I'm really sorry about dragging you to that party last night, and... bringing back all of those bad feelings.
Pacey: [Clears throat] It's not your fault, Jo. None of this is your fault. You're not the reason that we broke up.
Joey: But I thought that you said
Pacey: I know what I said. And I know how I said it, and it makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it. Blaming you for my insecurities and... then making you feel guilty for all the things that you've accomplished, when you should feel nothing but proud. And I'm so proud of you.
Joey: I know you are.
Pacey: But I didn't show you that. Instead-- [Clears throat] Instead, I decided to become a stereotypical guy who can't handle it when his girlfriend gets a better job than he does. I hate that guy.
Joey: Pacey, you're not that guy.
Pacey: I feel like that guy. Because as much as I want not to care, and as much as I wish that I could just let it roll off of my back, I can't. When we were at the party together last night, Jo, I was jealous. I wasn't jealous of you, but I was certainly jealous of the rest of the kids who were gonna get to experience you next year. 'Cause they're gonna get to be with you, and I'm not.
Joey: And I was so certain that Kubelik's offer was gonna be the answer to all of our problems. A sign, you know?
Pacey: Yeah. I know. I know, and I think that it was a sign. Just not the one that we were hoping for. But at least we got a better ending this time. I am grateful for that.
[She takes his hand in hers]
Joey: Me, too.
[Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. He is sitting down trying to finish his letter, then cut to him outside Gretchen and Pacey's Place. Dawson walks up to the house, with a very undecided look on his face, when he notices his Yearbook sitting on the porch. He goes up and opens to fins a picture of Gretchen and him, and he begins to read what she wrote for him.]
Gretchen: "Dear Dawson... "I've been thinking about what to say to you "since I left your house yesterday. "I thought about waiting for you to come to my door, "saying this face to face, "but I knew it would be too hard. "I realize that, as much as I need to move on, "you need to stay here. "Your whole life is about to change in a way "that will never be the same. "You're opening a new chapter, "and you have to give a proper good-bye to the old one. "You don't want to miss these moments, even the sad ones, "because you'll never get them back. "So enjoy this time. "Let it wash over you so that your memories of it are strong. "Besides, I don't need to spend a month in a car to fall in love with you. "I already am in love with you, "even more than you know. "So good-bye, Dawson Leery. "Thank you for changing my life "and opening my heart again. "You'll never know how much it meant to me. Have a bitchin' summer. Love, Gretchen."
[Scene: The Pier outside Dawson's House. Dawson walks out to join Joey who is sitting all alone out there.]
Dawson: I haven't seen you all weekend.
Joey: I know.
Dawson: You do anything good?
Joey: No, not really. You?
Dawson: No. Not really.
Joey: So, what are you doing this summer, Dawson?
Dawson: This. | |
doc_332 | [Scene: Mausoleum. Prue walks in.]
Prue: Phoebe? Phoebe, are you in here? (She sees Phoebe asleep next to a crypt.) Hey, sweetie, wake up.
(Phoebe wakes up.)
Phoebe: Cole?
Prue: No, it's just me. Come on, let's go home.
Phoebe: No, I have to wait here for Cole.
Prue: Phoebe, you can't just wait here, alright. He will know where to find you. Come on.
(Phoebe stands up.)
Phoebe: I don't understand. He was supposed to go back under so that they wouldn't be suspicious of him, but it's been over a week.
Prue: He probably just hasn't found a safe way out yet, that's all.
Phoebe: But what if he can't? What is the brotherhood found him out?
Prue: Look, even if they did, he would put some sort of a spin on it to, you know, get out of it. Come on, you know Cole, he knows what he's doing. You don't make demon of the century without having a few tricks up your sleeve.
Phoebe: I just hope he's okay, Prue.
(They walk out of the mausoleum.)
[Scene: A cave in the underworld. Cole is lying on a large rock. Raynor and Tarkin are standing beside him. Raynor has his hand held out above Cole's head, reading his thoughts.]
Raynor: Seems our brother's suspicions are well founded.
Tarkin: Why? What do you see?
Raynor: Sickness. The kind that only comes from being under the world of light for too long. It's contaminated him.
Tarkin: That's impossible, Raynor. A demon as great as Belthazor.
Raynor: It's not his demon half that's been infected, it's his human half. He's in love.
Tarkin: The witch.
Raynor: Not just any witch, one of the Charmed Ones. But she's only loved him, she's turned him against us, sent him here to destroy us.
Tarkin: Well, then we must destroy him.
Raynor: You still have so much to learn, Tarkin. You don't just kill a demon like Belthazor.
Tarkin: But he betrayed us.
Raynor: And in so doing, he's acquired the knowledge of how to kill the Charmed Ones. Something no other demon's been able to accomplish. That with his power makes a very precious commodity for us, one worthy of saving.
Tarkin: But how can...?
Raynor: How can we save him? Simple. We remove the only thing that's re-awakened his human half. His only foot hole to good. The witch's love for him.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is sitting at the table. She pours dozens of books and and papers from a box onto the table, and starts looking through them.]
Piper: Okay.
(Leo walks in holding a French/English dictionary.)
Leo: Oú est l' tour Eiffel. That is 'Where is the Eiffel Tower?'
Piper: In my dreams if we don't get you a passport.
Leo: Honey, we don't need a passport to honeymoon in Paris. With a blink of an orb, we can be sipping champagne at the Champs Sel Seasay.
(Piper giggles.)
Piper: Yes, as romantic as you make that sound, I would rather fly Air France, than Air Leo. Just like every other normal newlywed.
Leo: Well, great, except that we're not.
Piper: Well, a passport for you could change all that, if I could just find... voila! Birth certificate. (She holds it up.)
Leo: Where did you get that?
Piper: From Dan's old file, the one he put together when he was suspicious of you. You remember him, don't ya?
Leo: Let's see, perfect hair, cleft chin, tried to steal you away from me? Vaguely, vaguely. (Leo snatches the birth certificate off of Piper.) This isn't gonna work, I was born in 1924.
Piper: No, you weren't. (She snatches it back.) Okay, off-white background, black ink... Little trick I learned in high school.
Leo: You're gonna forge my birth certificate.
Piper: No. Just going to change one little number. (She white outs the number.) So, 1924 becomes 1974. And just like that, you are fifty years younger. (She writes in the seven.) Wait a minute, that makes you 27. That's younger than me. Maybe I should change another number.
Leo: Piper, this is completely illegal.
Piper: Yeah? Well, so is marrying a dead guy, okay? (She holds up his death certificate.) Let's not get technical now.
(Prue walks in.)
Prue: Morning. What's up?
Leo: Well, probably three to five years jail if we're lucky.
(Prue gives a confused look.)
Piper: Never mind. Were you up late working again?
Prue: No, I was up looking for Phoebe. Three guesses where she was.
Piper: Hmm, the mausoleum?
Prue: Yeah, it's become like her second home.
Leo: Still no word from Cole?
Prue: No, and you know what? You would think he could take three lousy seconds just to shimmer and let all of us know that he's okay.
Leo: Maybe he can't, maybe he's afraid he'll get caught.
Piper: Maybe he already has.
[Scene: Cave in the underworld. Raynor and Tarkin walk over to Cole.]
Raynor: Just follow my lead.
(Raynor wakes up Cole.)
Cole: Raynor.
(He sits up.)
Raynor: Good to see you're still with us, Belthazor.
Cole: What happened?
Raynor: I tried to kill you. Accidentally, of course. I didn't recognise you in your human form, my mistake.
Tarkin: Not many are strong enough to survive an energy bolt, Belthazor. You're lucky.
Raynor: Forgive me.
(Ranor holds out his hand. Cole hesitates for a moment, then shakes it.)
Cole: How could I not? After all, you taught me everything I know.
Raynor: Well, not everything.
Cole: How long was I out?
Raynor: Long enough for us to investigate reports that you crossed over to the other side.
(Cole walks over to some water.)
Cole: Rumours, not reports.
Tarkin: Don't worry, we don't blame you for the failed hit last week. Even if you were seduced by one of the witches that thwarted our plan.
(Cole wipes some water on his neck.)
Cole: I already explained to you that I was over her.
Tarkin: Yeah, but you didn't explain that she was one of the Charmed Ones.
Raynor: It doesn't matter that you're straight, Belthazor, as long as you're back. To that end, I have an assignment for you. Something that only your powers can achieve. I need you to get me a magical amulet, one that's hanging from the neck of a witch. Problem?
Cole: Just that it's a little bit risky, don't you think? Sending me after a witch with the Charmed Ones on my trail?
Raynor: Tarkin will provide backup. That way if they show up you can catch them by surprise. That should take care of all our problems now, shouldn't it?
Cole: Where do I get the amulet? (Raynor waves his hand in front of Cole's face.) This shouldn't take long.
(Cole shimmers out.)
Tarkin: Think he'll actually get the amulet?
Raynor: Yes, but not before he tells his beloved witch what he's about to do. Then that should plant the first seed of suspicion in her heart.
[Scene: Manor. Phoebe's room. Phoebe is sitting in front of the mirror putting on makeup. Cole shimmers in behind her. She sees his reflection in the mirror.]
Phoebe: Promise me when I turn around you'll still be there.
(She quickly turns around. She walks over to him and they kiss passionately.)
Cole: I've missed you so much.
Phoebe: I've missed you too.
Cole: They've given me an assignment. One that if I turn down...
Phoebe: What do you mean an assignment? What kind of assignment?
Cole: I can't tell you.
Phoebe: Wh--
(Cole sits down on the bed.)
Cole: They've asked me to steal an amulet from a witch.
Phoebe: A witch?
Cole: Don't worry, I won't hurt her.
Phoebe: Oh, well, that's good news, Cole. You can't do this!
Cole: You think I want to, damn it! (He gets back up and walks across the room.) Phoebe, I just have to buy some time so I can figure a way out. In the mean time, I have to at least pretend like I'm evil.
Phoebe: No, but don't you see? If you turn into Belthazor, then you will be evil.
Cole: What makes you think I'll have to?
Phoebe: Well, because an amulet protects. It takes someone of great strength to overcome that. Why do you think they choose you?
Cole: To set me up perhaps. (He sits back on the bed.) Raynor may be on to me.
Phoebe: Who's Raynor?
Cole: He's the head of the brotherhood. And my old mentor. He has the power to read thoughts, and if he's read mine...
(Phoebe kneels beside him.)
Phoebe: Prue and I will come with you, and watch your back.
Cole: No, no, no, you can't. That could be exactly what Raynor's expecting you do. He could be setting me up to get to you. I have to do this alone.
Phoebe: Cole, I...
(He pulls her up on the bed and puts his arms around her.)
Cole: Trust me, okay? I know what I am doing. Just concentrate on finishing the potion. If it works, Belthazor will disappear and Raynor won't be able to track me. Then, (they kiss) we can be together.
(They kiss again and Cole shimmers out in the middle. Phoebe sighs.)
[Cut to the stairs. Phoebe runs down them.]
Phoebe: Prue? Prue?
(Prue runs in.)
Prue: Hey, what's wrong?
Phoebe: Cole's in trouble, I need your help.
Prue: Uh, okay, anything.
Phoebe: We need to scry for a witch, fast.
Prue: Alright.
(They run up the stairs.)
[Cut to a Wicca shop. A witch is there. Cole shimmers in.]
Witch: Who are you? How did you get in here?
Cole: Just do exactly as I say and I won't hurt you. Just take off the amulet and put it down.
Witch: I've been sworn to protect it.
Cole: And I've been ordered to steal it. (She backs away.) Don't fight me. I beg you.
(He reaches out for the amulet. A blue light shoots out of it and he is thrown back into boxes. He gets back up.)
Witch: You can't take it from me.
Cole: Maybe I can't.
(He changes into Belthazor.)
Belthazor: But I can. (He walks over to the witch. A bright blue light shields the witch. He reaches through the shield and takes the amulet from around her neck. The shield disappears. He grabs her, then realises what he's doing and lets go.) Tell no one about the amulet. Not even your Whitelighter.
(He shimmers out.)
[Scene: Passport Agency. Piper and Leo are waiting in line. Leo is filling out a form.]
Leo: Whitelighter. Is that my occupation or should I just put guardian angel?
(An elderly lady waiting in the line in front of them turns around.)
Piper: Hi, how you doing? (She turns back around.) (to Leo) What's the matter with you?
Leo: We shouldn't be here, Piper, this is wrong.
Piper: Wanting a normal life is not wrong, okay? In fact, it couldn't be anymore right. For crying out loud, stop being so good all the time. (The lady gives her a look.) Ha, newlyweds, first fight. Eyes front.
(The lady turns back to the front.)
Leo: Piper...
Piper: Leo, look, I love you, but I'm getting a migraine here, okay? Just, look, we're not hurting anyone, we're not breaking any commandments, okay? We just changed a lousy two to a lousy seven. So let go before I blow. (The line moves.) Okay, we're almost there.
(The Elders call Leo.)
Leo: Uh-oh.
Piper: What? Oh no. No-no-no-no-no, no. You can not leave right now, okay. Pretend you're, pretend you're out.
Leo: I can't do that.
Piper: Yes, you can. Come on.
Leo: I've gotta go.
Piper: Leo, you can't go right now, okay. We've been in this line for two and a half freakin' hours! (She points at the clock and it blows up. Everyone in the line ducks. Piper looks around.) Uh-oh.
[Cut to the Wicca shop. Raynor appears. He looks around and sees the witch hiding in the corner.]
Witch: Who are you? If you've come for the amulet, it's gone.
Raynor: And yet you're still here. Living proof that Belthazor has indeed gone soft.
Witch: Belthazor?
Raynor: The demon that'll be blamed for your death.
(He throws an energy bolt at her. She screams and disappears.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Wicca Shop. Prue and Phoebe walk in. They look around.]
Phoebe: Anything?
Prue: No.
Phoebe: Do you think maybe we scryed for the wrong witch?
Prue: I don't think so.
(Prue sees burnt curtains and black marks on the wall.)
Phoebe: Scorch marks. Oh my god, do you think she's dead?
Prue: Unfortunately, I don't know what else to think.
Phoebe: That doesn't make any sense. Cole said she wouldn't get hurt.
Prue: Yeah, well, somebody sure fired an energy ball in here.
Phoebe: Somebody like Cole, you mean?
Prue: Phoebe, I'm not saying that it was Cole, okay? All that I'm telling you is what I see, what we both see. For what it's worth, I don't think it was Cole.
Phoebe: Thank you.
Prue: Alright, but if he didn't do it, who did?
Phoebe: Well, Cole said that he thought he was being set up by his mentor. So maybe he is, maybe they're trying to frame him.
Prue: Why?
Phoebe: I don't know, but if it's true, that means his cover's blown and we gotta get him outta there.
Prue: Yeah. (Leo orbs in.) Leo.
Phoebe: What are you doing here?
Leo: Looking for you. The Elders called me because a powerful amulet has been stolen.
Prue: Yeah, we know.
Leo: You do?
Prue: Yes, and the witch that had it has been killed.
Leo: It's supposed to protect her, that's why they gave it to her. Only the most evil of demons could have had the power to take it away.
Phoebe: And why would a demon want that amulet so bad?
Leo: Because it's one half of an ancient charm. Whoever connects the two amulets together, more than doubles, it protects your power. With it they become invincible.
Prue: Oh, that certainly explains why the brotherhood wanted Cole to get it.
Leo: Cole?
Phoebe: Forget it. Who's got the other half?
Leo: Another witch. The amulets were divided between two local covens for safe keeping, but the bearers have always been kept secret, guarded even from them.
Phoebe: Well, obviously that's why the brotherhood wants them both.
Leo: Only to destroy them so good can never use them. The amulet won't protect anyone evil.
Prue: Alright, we need to find that other witch before they do.
Phoebe: Okay, well, you go with Piper so I can work on Cole's potion.
Prue: Yeah. Speaking of, where's Piper?
Leo: Uh, she's at the manor recovering from a little problem we had at the passport office.
Prue: What problem?
Leo: Uh, well, she sorta blew some of it up.
[Scene: Cave in the underworld. Cole and Tarkin are waiting there. Cole is holding the amulet.]
Tarkin: Nervous?
Cole: Impatient. There's something you're not telling me, brother.
Tarkin: Actually, I was about to ask you the same question, brother.
(Raynor shimmers in.)
Raynor: Sorry to keep you waiting, I had business to attend to. (He walks over to Cole.) The amulet. (Cole hands him the amulet.) Must feel good to be back in the game, it was such a beautiful death.
Cole: What do you mean?
Raynor: The witch. How did you kill her?
Cole: I didn't. I'd never risk alerting the Charmed Ones just for the thrill of offing a low level witch.
Raynor: Too bad, I would and did. Don't make me clean up after you again.
Cole: You shouldn't have killed her, Raynor.
Raynor: You're right. You should have.
Cole: You told me to just get the amulet, you didn't say kill the witch.
Raynor: Some things go without saying.
Tarkin: You want me to get the second amulet?
Raynor: No, I want Belthazor to.
Cole: Let Tarkin. My strength isn't back yet. I could barely fight through the magic of the first amulet.
Raynor: You can do it, I know you. You're the great Belthazor, you can do anything you want. You've seem to forgotten that. Find the witch. (He waves his hand in front of Cole's face.) But this time show no mercy.
(Cole shimmers out.)
Tarkin: You think he'll do it?
Raynor: You keep pulling the bottle in front of him, sooner or later he's gonna take a drink.
Tarkin: What if he doesn't?
(A bright glowing ball appears in Raynor's hand.)
Raynor: Don't worry, I have insurance.
[Cut to the manor. Prue, Phoebe and Leo walk inside.]
Prue: Alright, I'll start scrying.
Leo: I don't think it'll work. The amulet wards off magic, all magic.
Phoebe: That must be why we didn't find the first witch in time. We didn't get a read on her until after the amulet was stolen.
Prue: Okay, but what happens if we don't find her before...
(They hear a loud noise coming from the kitchen.)
[Cut to the kitchen. Piper is there covered in pieces of watermelon. Prue, Phoebe and Leo walk in.]
Phoebe: Piper?
Prue: Uh, okay, was it a demon?
Piper: No, it was watermelon!
Phoebe: Honey, why did you vanquish watermelon?
Piper: I didn't vanquish watermelon. I threw it up in the air and I tried to freeze it and it exploded.
(She throws her hands up in the air and a pot plant explodes. She panics and the glass on the cupboards smash.)
Leo: This is the little problem I was telling you about.
Phoebe: Okay, Piper, slowly put your hands down and no one will get hurt.
(Piper puts her hands down.)
Piper: Honey!
Leo: Sweetie, it's gonna be okay, we're gonna figure it out.
(Leo walks over to her.)
Piper: No-no-no! Don't come near me, I don't want anybody to get hurt.
Prue: Okay, put these on. (Prue puts oven mitts on Piper's hands.) Maybe this will help. Put these on and... Okay, now try the teapot. Try the teapot. (Piper blows up the teapot.) Whoa! (Prue quickly pushes her hands down.) Okay, okay, it wasn't that bad.
Phoebe: Alright, just relax, okay, just calm down because I think your emotions are making this worse.
Leo: I'm gonna go check with the Elders, and see if they know what happened to your powers.
Piper: Hurry!
Prue: Hey, and ask them how we're supposed to... (Leo orbs out.) find the second witch.
(Cole shimmers in.)
Cole: I know where to find her.
Phoebe: Cole.
Cole: I didn't kill her, Phoebe. I swear.
(She goes over to him.)
Phoebe: It's okay, I know. We believe you. You don't look so good. Are you okay?
(She touches his face and he pulls her hand away.)
Cole: I'm not sure.
Phoebe: Come on.
(Cole and Phoebe walk into another room.)
Cole: What about the potion? How close are you?
Phoebe: Uh, we're just missing one ingredient, billings root, whatever that is. But as soon as I find it, then I can finish it.
Cole: Well, I don't have much time, I'm kinda hanging on by my fingertips as it is.
Phoebe: Well, you have to hold on a little longer.
Cole: Ay-ya-yay.
Phoebe: You can do it, Cole, I know you.
Cole: Raynor says he knows me too.
Phoebe: Cole, look at me. Look at me. (He looks at her.) You have to keep fighting it. You have to keep fighting him, you can not let him win.
Cole: But fighting is how he does win. Raynor's just waiting for me to slip so he can drag me back in the fold, I know that's what he's doing.
(She moves closer to him and touches his face.)
Phoebe: He can't have you. I won't let him.
Cole: Then save me, Phoebe. I've been ordered to kill the next witch. You have to get there first and stop me. Otherwise Raynor will win.
[Scene: Park. Seven witches are sitting in a circle, around a small fire.]
Witch: The birth and rebirth of all nature. The passing of winter and spring, we share in the life universal. Rejoice in the magical ring. I'll see you all next week. Blessed be.
All: Blessed be.
(They all stand up. Cole looks on from the bushes near by. Tarkin shimmers in beside him.)
Cole: What are you doing here?
Tarkin: Just watching your back.
Cole: Yeah, well, watching it's one thing, stabbing it's another.
Tarkin: What's the matter? Don't you trust me?
Cole: I don't trust anyone.
Tarkin: Never did. That's probably what made you so great. No legences, no conscience, no hesitation. (All the witches leave, except one.) You know what Raynor wants. Just give it to him. You'll feel better after you kill the witch.
(The witch kneels down and starts to pack up her stuff. She hears a noise.)
Witch: Who's there? (Cole comes out and changes into Belthazor. The witch stands up and holds out the amulet.) You can't hurt me.
(Belthazor walks towards the witch and the protective shield from the amulet surrounds her. Belthazor reaches through the shield. Prue, Piper and Phoebe arrive.)
Phoebe: Cole, don't!
Prue: Piper, freeze him.
Piper: I might blow him up.
(Prue uses her power on Belthazor. Phoebe runs over to the witch.)
Phoebe: It's okay, we're witches too. (Tarkin gets ready to throw an energy bolt.) Piper!
(Piper blows up a tree.)
Prue: Okay, that was good, that was, that-that was fine.
Tarkin: Kill them.
Phoebe: No.
(Belthazor throws an energy bolt at Phoebe and the witch. The amulet protects them and they are thrown into the bushes. Prue uses her power on Belthazor and he flies against a rock. Tarkin gets ready to throw an energy bolt and Prue uses her power on him. They stand up. Belthazor looks at Phoebe and then he and Tarkin shimmer out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and the witch walk in the living room.]
Piper: Leo!
Prue: Uh, he's our Whitelighter.
Phoebe: And our brother-in-law.
Piper: I don't know what is up with me. Every time I try to freeze, I flame.
Prue: Uh, Leo!
Phoebe: (holding her wounded arm) I'm fine, really, it's no big deal.
Piper: Phoebe, it's a huge deal, Cole tried to kill you.
Prue: He's the demon.
(The witch nods.)
Piper: And her boyfriend.
Phoebe: We have very complicated lives.
Witch: I'm just thrilled to meet you. I mean, I've heard of the Charmed Ones, of course, but I just thought I'd never dream I'd...
Prue: Nearly die with us? Yes, well, welcome to our lives.
Witch: You saved me, and the amulet. That's enough. (to Phoebe) May I? (She looks at Phoebe's arm.) Well, the wound isn't deep. A salve would cleanse it and ease the pain. Would you allow me entrance to your herb cupboard?
Prue: Kitchen, she means kitchen.
Piper: Hmm? Oh, right, sure, follow me.
(Piper points.)
Phoebe: Oh, hands down, hands down.
(Piper and the witch go into the kitchen.)
Prue: Come on, sit down, take it easy.
(They sit on the couch.)
Phoebe: I'm fine, Prue, really. And Cole would not try to kill me. He knew that the amulet would protect me. He could've fired at you or Piper but he didn't. With the other demon there, he made the only choice he could.
Prue: And you really believe that, right?
Phoebe: Yeah, I know it. I saw his eyes. They were filled with pain, not evil. Prue, we've gotta get him outta there before it's too late.
Prue: Alright, then we better figure out a way to finish that power stripping potion fast. Come on.
(Prue and Phoebe walk into the kitchen. The witch is mixing ingredients in a bowl.)
Piper: Check her out. Whipping it up like it's Tollhouse Cookies. Maybe after she fixes Phoebe she can fix me.
Prue: Piper, you don't need fixing.
Piper: Uh, if it's taking the Elders this long to tell Leo what's wrong with me, then I definitely need fixing.
Witch: (to Phoebe) This will feel a little warm.
(She spreads a paste on Phoebe's wound.)
Phoebe: That is amazing. It doesn't hurt at all. Hey, how are you at making potions?
Witch: Well, what do you need?
Prue: We need to de-tox a demon.
Phoebe: Yeah, we need something called billings root.
Witch: Well, you have that. It's on the bottom shelf.
(She takes a jar out of their cupboard.)
Phoebe: No, that's ginger.
Witch: Now that's what it's called. In the old covens they called it billings root.
Phoebe: Jenna, you have healed me twice. (She hugs Jenna.) Piper, do you think you can help Jenna with the potion? Just not point at anything.
Piper: Only one way to find out.
(Phoebe walks over and takes the keys off the hook.)
Prue: Hey, where are you going?
Phoebe: To get Cole back here. If I'm right about what I saw in his eyes, he'll go to the mausoleum.
Prue: And what if you're wrong?
Piper: Well, then he'll be back here with his buddy to get the amulet.
Phoebe: I'm not wrong. Cole's not the enemy. He's the victim. And I'm gonna save him.
(Phoebe leaves.)
[Scene: Cave in the underworld. Cole, Tarkin and Raynor are there.]
Raynor: How could you have failed? It was just one little witch.
Cole: No, it wasn't. The Charmed Ones were there, just like I warned you they might be.
Tarkin: We could have taken them.
Cole: We would have died. The amulet protected them.
Raynor: Which is exactly why I want it. What has happened to you, Belthazor? The witch's magic never would have stopped you before, you never would have given up. What's changed?
Cole: You know what? Let's just drop the pretences, okay? I'm tired of playing games. We both know what you're trying to do, it's not gonna work.
Raynor: Yeah?
Cole: You don't care about the amulet. You only care about turning me against Phoebe.
Raynor: How smart, and yet foolish enough to fall in love.
Cole: Loving her is the best thing that's ever happened to me. You can destroy me, but you can't change that.
Raynor: After all that I've taught you and all that I've given you, you're willing to give it all up for a witch?
Cole: I'm not gonna kill for you, Raynor. Not anymore.
Raynor: Not even for your father's soul?
(A bright glowing ball appears in Raynor's hand. Cole goes for Raynor but Tarkin holds him back with a knife up to his neck.)
Tarkin: Settle, brother.
Cole: How did you get that? The Source?
Raynor: I'll promise to free him if you've fulfilled your end of the bargain. You kill the witch, come back and finish your obligations, and you and your father will both be free. (Cole shimmers out.) All that separates us from getting him back are a few drops of innocent blood, and they're about to be spilled.
[Cut to the mausoleum. Phoebe is pacing up and down. Cole shimmers in.]
Phoebe: Cole. Surprised to see me?
Cole: I hoped but why'd you come after what I did?
Phoebe: Because you need me. Besides, it's not like you haven't tried to kill me before. A little energy ball isn't going to stop me.
Cole: You know, I didn't have a choice, I didn't mean to hurt you.
Phoebe: I know, I know, I know, it's okay. I just need to get you back to the house, get that potion and you will be safe.
Cole: It's too late for that.
(Cole coughs.)
Phoebe: What do you mean? (Cole's hand changes into Belthazor's hand. His face starts to change.) We have to hurry.
Cole: Maybe I should shimmer us there.
Phoebe: You can't use your demonic powers, it's too much temptation. We'll just drive there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Prue, Piper and Jenna are there. Piper and Jenna are making the potion while Prue searches through the Book of Shadows.]
Jenna: Shake water vigorously for two hundred heartbeats. Then add a pinch of dandelion and a dash of chickweed.
(Piper pours some water into a jar.)
Prue: You're using bottled water?
Piper: For Cole, the purer the better. (She screws the lid on. Prue reaches for it.) I got it.
Prue: Okay.
Piper: Time me. (Prue reaches for the jar.) I got it. (Piper shakes the jar while Prue looks at her watch.) Leo should have been back by now. It must mean my powers are screwed forever. They're punishing me.
Jenna: You're a fulfillment of a great prophecy. Why punish you?
Piper: Oh, forgery. Wanting to have a normal life. Getting pissed off. By next week I'll be walking around like Carrie at the prom.
Jenna: I think that's enough shaking.
(Jenna takes the jar off of Piper. Leo orbs in.)
Piper: Leo! Where the hell have you been?
Prue: (to Piper) Hi, easy, remember, breathe, okay? Leo, Jenna the innocent, Jenna, Leo the Whitelighter.
Leo: Hi. (They shake hands.)
Piper: Leo, why are my powers so wonky?
Leo: They're not, they're advancing. Uh, turns out your powers work by slowing down molecules, and apparently now you can speed them up as well.
Piper: Okay, but why now? Couldn't they have picked a better time?
Prue: Hey, okay, don't look a gift power in the mouth. That one kicks ass and we may need it sooner than you think.
(She walks over to the Book of Shadows.)
Piper: Why?
Prue: Because when the two amulets are joined together, only this spell can activate their power. This spell.
(Piper and Leo walk over.)
Piper: What does that mean?
Prue: It means if the brotherhood wants to actually use the amulets, they're gonna have to come here for the spell.
Jenna: But I was told that evil couldn't use the amulets.
Prue: Maybe they figured out a way.
(Phoebe and Cole walk in.)
Phoebe: Hey.
(Cole sits in a chair.)
Prue: You look like hell.
Cole: You have no idea.
Phoebe: Is the potion done?
Jenna: It still has to cool and turn blood red.
Piper: I'll get some ice.
Prue: Oh, uh, I'll help. So you don't melt it. (Prue and Piper walk out of the attic and down the stairs.) Well, look on the bright side, at least you got a new power. I mean, you've been bitching about it long enough.
Piper: Yeah, well, careful what you bitch for.
(Tarkin shimmers in. Piper uses her power and breaks the pot plant.)
Prue: Uh... (Tarkin throws an energy ball at them and Prue deflects it with her power. She goes over and kicks him in the stomach, then his head, then his stomach. He flies against the wall.) Try again!
(Piper uses her power and a shelf falls on top of Prue, knocking her unconscious.)
Piper: Oops. (Tarkin gets up.) Phoebe, help! (She hits Tarkin over the head with a vase.) Phoebe! Phoebe, help! (Phoebe stands at the top of the stairs.) Watch out! (Tarkin throws an energy ball at Phoebe and she jumps over, landing on some furniture.) Oh, please, please, please. (She uses her power and Tarkin explodes.) I did it! (Phoebe gets up.) I did it!
Phoebe: Very good.
Piper: Of course I meant to freeze him. Are you alright?
Phoebe: I am, thanks to you.
Piper: I don't think Prue's gonna be quite as grateful.
Phoebe: Wake her up, I've gotta get back to Cole.
(Phoebe goes upstairs.)
Piper: Um...
[Cut to the attic. The potion, sitting in a chalice, turns blood red.]
Jenna: (to Leo) It's ready.
(Raynor shimmers in and throws an energy ball at Leo. He is knocked unconscious. Jenna gasps. She turns to Raynor and holds her amulet.)
Cole: Leave her out of this, Raynor.
Jenna: I serve with every breath, even my last.
Raynor: I'll have to take you up on that. But I think I'll save that pleasure for my brother.
(Raynor throws an energy ball at Jenna. The amulet protects her, but she still gets thrown back into some boxes. She falls to the floor and the amulet falls off her neck. Phoebe gets to the top of the stairs and tries to open the door but Raynor has blocked it.)
Phoebe: Cole? (She bangs on the door.)
Raynor: I've come to take you home.
Cole: I am home.
Phoebe: Cole!
Raynor: You will be when you kill the witch. Stop fighting it, Belthazor. You're a demon. Embrace it. Let evil make you strong again, give into it.
Phoebe: (from outside) Cole? Leo?
Raynor: The rage in you is raising but it's not me you want to kill. It's her. Do it, for yourself.
Cole: No.
Phoebe: Cole, open up the door, let me in.
(Prue comes up behind her and uses her power on the door. It opens up a bit. Phoebe looks through the crack.)
Raynor: Is she really worth sacrificing your father's soul for?
Phoebe: Cole, no, don't do it.
(Cole yells and he changes into Belthazor. He throws an energy ball at Jenna. She disappears. Raynor shimmers out.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Manor. Attic. Continued from before. Prue, Piper and Phoebe get inside. Prue and Piper run over to Leo. Phoebe stares at Belthazor.]
Belthazor: Phoebe.
Piper: What did you do to him?
(Belthazor changes back into Cole.)
Phoebe: I saw what you did.
Cole: It's not what it looks like. It wasn't...
Phoebe: Jenna is dead, and Leo is unconscious. What else could it be?
Cole: Raynor forced me, I had no choice.
Phoebe: There's always a choice, Cole.
(Cole sees the potion.)
Cole: The potion. (He reaches for it but Phoebe grabs if before he can.) Before it's too late.
Phoebe: It's already too late. You killed an innocent woman. There is no turning back from that.
Cole: I didn't wanna kill her. You've gotta understand that, I can still be good.
Phoebe: There's nothing good in you anymore.
Prue: Maybe there never was. You have to read the spell to activate the amulets, right? I mean, Cole, maybe that was your plan all along, to get the book.
Piper: But evil can't use the amulets or the book.
Phoebe: He could've if we'd stripped his powers. Is that why you wanted the potion, Cole? So you could get the spell and use the amulets against us?
Cole: Phoebe, you've gotta believe me.
Piper: I think she's believed you one too many times.
Cole: Stay out of this! This is between me and her.
Phoebe: There's nothing between us anymore.
Cole: Phoebe, don't let Raynor take this away from us, don't let him win.
Phoebe: Raynor didn't set you up, you se me up. What am I supposed to do?
Cole: Please, save me.
Phoebe: Save yourself.
(She throws the potion on the floor. Cole shimmers out.)
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper is repotting the plant. Prue walks in.]
Piper: Sorry about knocking you out. Nothing personal.
(Prue picks up some books.)
Prue: Yeah, well, at least you didn't blow me up.
Piper: Yeah, I was kinda relieved too.
Prue: Piper, the control will come.
Piper: Mm-hmm. Yeah, tell that to the Ficus.
Prue: Well, you sure told it to Tarkin.
Piper: That was kinda cool.
Prue: So, see, we can celebrate. You know, I mean, you got a new power and you beat a demon with it.
Piper: I wish I could've done more. For Jenna, and Cole. I mean, vanquishing one bad guy and losing three good guys is not exactly a winning score.
Prue: Yeah, so we are still counting Cole as good, right?
Piper: Yeah, I mean, I actually finally understand how he feels, having something inside of you that you can't control, which is capable of hurting the people that you love even if you don't want it to.
(Phoebe walks in holding three candles.)
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry guys. I didn't mean to stick you with the morning after clean up.
Piper: How you doing?
Phoebe: I'm not sure.
(She sits down on the couch and places the candles on the coffee table.)
Prue: Well, you have a lot to sort out.
Phoebe: No, not really. I lost my soul mate to evil, end of story.
Piper: Pheebs, I think he really tried but...
Phoebe: It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I thought we could do a blessing for our two fallen witches, and for Cole.
(Prue and Piper kneel in front of the table. Phoebe lights a match and hands it to Prue.)
Prue: For Liza, a lost sister, may her spirit sore.
(She lights a candle, then hands the match to Piper.)
Piper: For Jenna, our lost friend, may we meet again.
(She lights a candle and hands the match to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: For Cole, a lost love. (She lights the candle.) May he find peace.
(She blows out the match. Leo walks in.)
Leo: Piper, we're going... (He sees what they're doing.) to have plenty of time to talk later.
Phoebe: No, that's okay, Leo. We could actually use some good news, and it seems like you have some.
Leo: Well, I don't have news but I do have a passport.
(He shows it to them. Piper gasps. Prue holds Piper's hands down.)
Piper: You went back?
Leo: Yeah, well, I was thinking with everything that's happened and you're new power, making life a little crazy, alright, crazier, I figured the least I could do is make it somewhat normal.
Piper: Are you sure?
Leo: Anything that it takes to get you on a plane to Paris.
Piper: Ah, you know what? I think we should wait on that. (She goes over to him.) I wouldn't want to sneeze at 40,000 feet and have a whole bunch of people explode, that would be bad.
(She kisses him.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Scene: Cave in the underworld. Cole shimmers in.]
Raynor: I knew you'd come back, I've been waiting for you.
Cole: My father's soul, where is it?
(The bright glowing ball appears in Raynor's hand. Cole carefully takes if off him.)
Raynor: Of course, now that you're evil, what can you do with it?
Cole: That's not your concern.
Raynor: True. You're my only concern.
Cole: How'd you get me to do it? A spell?
Raynor: Does it really matter? But you enjoyed it, didn't you, killing the witch?
Cole: Not as much as I'm going to enjoy this. (He stabs Raynor in the stomach.) You killed Phoebe's love for me. Now I'm gonna watch you die.
Raynor: I feel your heart, it's racing even as mine slows. You're enjoying this, I can feel it. (Cole digs the knife in deeper.) This is what I hoped for. Your inner-demonic nature finally showing itself for all its glory. (Cole pushes him away.) You're truly evil now, Belthazor. Welcome home.
(Raynor falls to his knees. Fire surrounds him and he disappears. Cole kneels on the ground.) | |
doc_333 | INT. TARDIS
Picking up where the last episode left off - Rose runs into the TARDIS and joins the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Right then, Rose Tyler, you tell me, where do you want to go? Backwards or forwards in time. What's it going to be?
ROSE: Forwards.
The Doctor presses a few buttons.
THE DOCTOR: How far?
ROSE (picking random number): One hundred years.
He pulls a lever and turns a knob. The engines lurch and then stop after a few seconds.
THE DOCTOR: There you go, step outside those doors, it's the twenty-second century.
ROSE: You're kidding.
THE DOCTOR: That's a bit boring though, do you want to go further?
ROSE: Fine by me!
The Doctor starts up the engines again. When they stop, he looks at her.
THE DOCTOR: Ten thousand years in the future. Step outside, it's the year 12005, the New Roman Empire.
ROSE (teasingly): You think you're so impressive.
THE DOCTOR: I AM so impressive!
ROSE: You wish!
THE DOCTOR: Right then, you asked for it. I know exactly where to go. (Revs up the engine, pumps a lever furiously). Hold on!
The TARDIS hurtles through the time vortex. With a pinging noise, the TARDIS stops.
ROSE: Where are we?
The Doctor gestures towards the doors. Rose smiles excitedly.
ROSE (CONT'D): What's out there?
The Doctor gestures again. Rose steps outside the doors.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose finds herself in some kind of wooden room. The Doctor follows her and with his sonic screwdriver, opens the shutters of an enormous window. They go down the stairs and find themselves looking down on the planet Earth.
THE DOCTOR: You lot. You spend all your time thinking about dying. Like you're going to get killed by eggs or beef or global warming or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible. Maybe you survive. This is the year 5.5/apple/26. Five billion years in your future. This is the day... hold on... (Looks at his watch). This is the day the sun expands. Welcome to the end of the world.
OPENING CREDITS
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
Two space shuttles zoom towards Platform One, essentially a huge space station.
COMPUTER VOICE: Shuttles 5 and 6 now docking. Guests are reminded that platform 1 forbids the use of weapons, teleportation and religion. Earth Death is scheduled for 15:39, followed by drinks in the Manchester Suite.
INT. PLATFORM ONE, CORRIDOR
Rose and the Doctor are walking down a corridor.
ROSE: So, when it says 'guests' does that mean people?
THE DOCTOR: Depends what you mean by people.
ROSE: I mean people. What do you mean?
THE DOCTOR: Aliens.
ROSE: What are they doing on board this spaceship? What's it all for?
The Doctor starts to open a door with his sonic screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR: It's not really a spaceship. More like an observation deck. The great and the good are gathering to watch the planet burn.
ROSE: What for?
THE DOCTOR: Fun.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
They enter a large observation gallery.
THE DOCTOR: Mind you, when I said the great and the good, what I mean is, the rich.
ROSE: But, hold on, they did this once on "Newsround Extra", the sun expanding, that takes hundreds of years.
THE DOCTOR: Millions. But the planet's now property of the National Trust. They've been keeping it preserved. See down there? (Points out of the window at tiny glints of light orbiting the Earth). Gravity satellite. That's holding back the sun.
ROSE (peering out of the window at Earth). The planet looks the same as ever. I thought the continents shifted and things.
THE DOCTOR: They did. And the trust shifted them back. That's a classic Earth. But now the money's run out, nature takes over!
ROSE: How long has it got?
The Doctor looks at his watch.
THE DOCTOR: About half an hour. And the planet gets roasted.
ROSE: Is that why we're here? I mean, is that what you do? Jump in at the last minute and save the Earth?
THE DOCTOR: I'm not saving it. Time's up.
ROSE: But what about the people?
THE DOCTOR: It's empty! They're all gone. All left.
Rose looks back to the window, realization spreading across her face.
ROSE: Just me then.
The Steward hurries towards them.
STEWARD: Who the hell are you?
THE DOCTOR: Oh! That's nice, thanks.
STEWARD: But how did you get in? This is a maximum hospitality zone. The guests have disembarked! They're on their way any second now!
THE DOCTOR: That's me, I'm a guest, look! I've got an invitation! (Flashes a small leather wallet at the Steward). Look, there you see? It's fine, see? The Doctor plus one. I'm the Doctor, this is Rose Tyler. She's my plus one. That all right?
STEWARD: Well... obviously. (Doctor grins). Apologies, et cetera. If you're on-board, we'd better start. Enjoy.
The Doctor nods at him. After the steward walks off, the Doctor shows Rose the card he had flashed at the steward. It is completely blank.
THE DOCTOR: The paper's slightly psychic. Shows them whatever I want them to see. Saves a lot of time.
ROSE: He's blue.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah.
ROSE: Okay...
The steward is now speaking through a microphone at the other end of the suite.
STEWARD: We have in attendance, the Doctor and Rose Tyler. Thank you! All staff to their positions.
He claps his hands and a lot of little blue people (the staff) start scurrying around.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Hurry now! Thank you, as quick as we can! Come along, come along! And now, might I introduce the next honoured guest, representing the forest of Cheem, we have Trees. Namely, Jabe, Lute and Coffa.
Jabe, Lute and Coffa walk through the doors.
STEWARD (CONT'D): There will be an exchange of gifts representing peace. If you can keep the room circulating, thank you. Next, from the solicitors Jolco and Jolco, the Moxx of Balhoon.
The Doctor smiles cheerily, as Rose looks on bewildered.
STEWARD (CONT'D): And next, from Financial Family Seven, we have the Adherents of the Repeated Meme.
The Doctor chuckles at the look on Rose's face.
STEWARD (CONT'D): The inventors of hyposlip travel systems, the brothers Hop Pyleen. Thank you!
Enter new aliens.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Cal 'Spark Plug'.
Enter new aliens.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Mr. and Mrs. Pakoo.
Enter new aliens.
STEWARD (CONT'D): The Ambassadors from the City State of Binding Light.
Jabe approaches the Doctor. Either side of her, her companions are holding plant trays with little shoots in them.
JABE: The Gift of Peace. (Takes a cutting, hands it to the Doctor). I bring you a cutting of my Grandfather.
THE DOCTOR: Thank you! (Gives it to Rose). Yes, gifts... erm...
He clears his throat and starts feeling his jacket for something, finding nothing, he says :
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I give you in return, air from my lungs.
He blows gently onto Jabe's face, who closes her eyes briefly.
JABE: How... intimate.
THE DOCTOR (flirtatiously): There's more where that came from.
JABE: I bet there is...
Rose has the sort of look on her face that is to be expected of someone who has just witnessed their companion flirting with a tree.
STEWARD: Sponsor of the main event, please welcome the Face of Boe.
A huge head in an equally huge jar is wheeled through the doors. The Moxx of Balhoon approaches the Doctor and Rose.
THE DOCTOR: The Moxx of Balhoon.
MOXX OF BALHOON: My felicitations on this historical happenstance. I give you the gift of bodily saliva.
He spits accurately into Rose's left eye.
THE DOCTOR (laughs): Thank you very much.
Rose rubs the spit out of her eye. Next, the Adherents of the Repeated Meme approach them.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Ah! The Adherents of the Repeated Meme. I bring you air from my lungs.
He breathes heavily over them all.
ADHERENT: A gift of peace in all good faith.
He holds out a large silver egg, which the Doctor takes, throws up into the air, catches, and hands to Rose.
STEWARD: And last but not least, our very special guest. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Trees and Multiforms. Consider the Earth below. In memory of this dying world, we call forth The Last Human.
The Doctor looks at Rose to see her reaction. The sliding doors open and what looks like a vertical trampoline made of human skin is wheeled through. It has eyes and a mouth, and wears lipstick.
STEWARD: The Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen.
CASSANDRA: Oh, now, don't stare. I know, I know it's shocking, isn't it? I've had my chin completely taken away and look at the difference! Look how thin I am.
The Doctor laughs silently but heartily and looks at Rose, who looks shocked.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Thin and dainty! I don't look a day over two thousand. Moisturize me, moisturize me.
One of the two men in white body suits who wheeled her in is holding a canister, which he sprays onto Cassandra.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Truly, I am The Last Human.
Rose creeps closer for a better look.
CASSANDRA: My father was a Texan. My mother was from the Arctic Desert. They were born on the Earth and were the last to be buried in the soil.
Rose has been walking around to the other side of Cassandra, to get a good view of her from all angels. She is completely flat.
CASSANDRA: I have come to honour them and... (Sniffs)...say goodbye. Oh, no tears. (Bodyguard wipes her eyes). No tears. I'm sorry. But behold! I bring gifts. From Earth itself, the last remaining ostrich egg.
One of the staff comes in and displays the egg to the room.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Legend says it had a wingspan of 50 feet and blew fire from its nostrils.
Rose looks mildly confused.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Or was that my third husband?
Rose rolls her eyes but the Doctor laughs.
CASSANDRA: Who knows! Oh don't laugh. I'll get laughter lines!
She laughs and mumbles to herself for a few seconds. Behind her, a large jukebox is wheeled into the room.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): And here, another rarity. According to the archives, this was called an iPod. It stores classical music from humanity's greatest composers.
Rose looks amazed.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): Play on!
One of the staff presses a button and a record falls into place. The 'iPod' starts playing Tainted Love by Soft Cell. The Doctor bops around appreciatively.
STEWARD: Refreshments will now be served. Earth Death in 30 minutes.
Rose has a lost, overwhelmed expression on her face. Everywhere she looks there are aliens, but no other humans. She rushes from the gallery. Concerned, the Doctor starts to follow her, but is stopped by Jabe.
JABE: Doctor? (She snaps a photo of him when he pauses). Thank you.
The Doctor proceeds on. Jabe walks in the opposite direction. The Adherents of the Repeated Meme are offering the Steward a silver egg.
ADHERENT: A gift of peace in all good faith.
STEWARD: No, you're very kind, but I'm just the Steward.
The Adherents of the Repeated Meme holds the egg out more persistently.
ADHERENT: A gift of peace in all good faith.
STEWARD: Oh, yes. Thank you. Of course.
He takes the egg. Meanwhile, Jabe is trying to get her computer to identify the Doctor's species.
JABE: Identify species. Please identify species.
The computer makes a small whistling noise.
JABE (CONT'D): Now, stop it. Identify his race. Where's he from? (After a moment, stares at the computer in disbelief, hushed). It's impossible.
In a nearby glass cabinet, a metal robotic spider climbs out of one of the metal eggs that the Adherents of the Repeated Meme had been handing out.
INT. PLATFORM ONE ROOM, SHAFT
Rose, in another part of the ship, looks out of a window at the raging sun. She jumps when another one of the staff comes into the room, this one female. Her name is Raffalo.
ROSE: Sorry, am I allowed to be in here?
The employee looks around uneasily.
RAFFALO: You have to give us permission to talk.
She looks at Rose expectantly. Rose looks unsure.
ROSE: Uh... you... have permission...?
RAFFALO: Thank you! And, no. You're not in the way. Guests are allowed anywhere.
ROSE: 'Kay.
Raffalo goes to a panel in the wall and enters a code. Rose watches her.
ROSE: What's your name?
RAFFALO: Raffalo.
ROSE: Raffalo?
RAFFALO: Yes, Miss. I won't be long, I've just got to carry out some maintenance.
She kneels before an air vent.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): There's a tiny little glitch in the Face of Boe suite. There must be something blocking the system - he's not getting any hot water.
ROSE: So, you're a plumber?
RAFFALO: That's right, Miss.
ROSE: They still have plumbers?
RAFFALO: I hope so! Else I'm out of a job!
Rose laughs.
ROSE: Where are you from?
RAFFALO: Crespallion.
ROSE: That's a planet, is it?
RAFFALO: No, Crespallion's part of the Jaggit Brocade, affiliated to the Scarlet Junction, Convex 56. And where are you from, Miss? (Seems to remember herself). If you don't mind me asking.
ROSE: No! Not at all. Erm... I dunno, a long way away... I just sort of, hitched a lift with this man. (Only just realising the risk she's taken herself). I didn't even think about it... I don't even know who he is... he's a complete stranger...
Raffalo looks slightly worried. Rose snaps herself out of it.
ROSE (CONT'D): Anyway, don't let me keep you. Good luck with it!
She begins to walk away.
RAFFALO: Thank you, Miss. And... (Rose turns). Thank you for the permission. Not many people are that considerate.
ROSE (smiles): 'Kay. See you later.
Roffalo nods and smiles. When Rose has gone, she takes the cover off the air vent.
RAFFALO: Now then.
She peers into the vent and then speaks into a small microphone attached to her collar..
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Control, I'm at Junction 19 and I think the problem's coming from in here. I'll go inside and have a look. (Hears small tapping). What's that? Is there something in there?
The metal spider we saw breaking out of the egg earlier appears at the end of the shaft.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Oh! Who are you, then?
The spider scurries away as if frightened.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Hold on! I... if you're an upgrade I just need to register you, that's all. Oh, come back!
A red beam of light falling on Raffalo's face tells us the spider has come back.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Ah, there you are. Now, I just need to register your ident.
Another spider joins the first.
RAFFALO (CONT'D): Oh, there's two of you! Got yourself a little mate! (Giggles). I think I'd better report this to control. How many of you are there? (A third spider appears, and then a fourth). What are you? Oh, no. No. Nooooo!
She is dragged head first into the air vent.
INT. STEWARD'S OFFICE
The steward enters and puts his egg on a nearby table and sits down. He listens to Control speaking.
STEWARD: What's that? Well, how should I know? (Activates loudspeaker).Would the owner of the blue box in private gallery 15 please report to the steward's office immediately. Guests are reminded that use of all teleportation devices is strictly forbidden under Peace Treaty 5.4/cup/16. Thank you.
While he is talking, a spider has broken out of his egg and run up the opposite wall.
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
We are shown another shot of the burning sun and the satellite over the Earth.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 25 minutes. Earth Death in 25 minutes.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose sits on the steps, throwing the egg up in the air and catching it again when she hears this announcement.
ROSE: Oh, thanks.
She puts the egg down and turns her attention to the cutting of Jabe's grandfather. She picks it up.
ROSE (CONT'D): Hello! My name's Rose. That's a sort of plant. We might be related...
She suddenly realizes what she is doing and hurriedly puts the plant down.
ROSE (CONT'D): I'm talking to a twig.
Behind her, the spider breaks out of the egg.
INT. PLATFORM ONE, CORRIDOR
The TARDIS is being dragged away by some of the staff.
THE DOCTOR: Oi, now, careful with that. Park it properly. No scratches.
One of them walks up to the Doctor, squeaks at him, hands him a card and walks away again. The Doctor reads it - it says 'Have a nice day'. The Doctor looks at the retreating staff's back as if he or she is completely off his or her rocker, and walks off. A few of the metal spiders scurry up the wall behind him. A few more are running along the air vent.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The spider that came out of Rose's egg appears to be scanning her hand, but Rose is completely oblivious. It jumps and runs to the air vent when the Doctor's voice floats through the door.
THE DOCTOR: Rose? Are you in there?
The spider scrambles through the vent just in time, before the Doctor comes through the door.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Aye aye! (Sits on other side of stairs). What do you think, then?
ROSE: Great! Yeah... fine. Once you get past the slightly psychic paper...
The Doctor laughs. There is a short pause.
ROSE (CONT'D): They're just, so alien. (Doctor looks at her questioningly). The aliens. Are so alien. You look at 'em... and they're alien.
THE DOCTOR: Good thing I didn't take you to the Deep South.
ROSE (as if looking at him properly for the first time): Where are you from?
THE DOCTOR: All over the place.
ROSE: They all speak English.
THE DOCTOR: No, you just hear English. It's a gift of the TARDIS. Telepathic field, gets inside your brain, translates.
ROSE: It's inside my brain?
THE DOCTOR: Well, in a good way. ROSE (colder, starting to sound angry): Your machine gets inside my head. It gets inside and it changes my mind, and you didn't even ask?
THE DOCTOR (thrown): I didn't think about it like that.
ROSE (angrily): No! You were too busy thinking up cheap shots about the Deep South! Who are you then, Doctor? What are you called? What sort of alien are you?
The Doctor sits up and looks away from her.
THE DOCTOR: I'm just The Doctor.
ROSE: From what planet?
THE DOCTOR: Well, it's not as if you'll know where it is!
ROSE: Where are you from?!
THE DOCTOR: What does it matter?
ROSE: Tell me who you are!
THE DOCTOR (suddenly angry): This is who I am, right here, right now, alright? All that counts is here and now, and this is me!
ROSE: Yeah, and I'm here too because you brought me here, so just tell me!
The Doctor gets up and walks down the steps away from her.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 20 minutes. Earth Death in 20 minutes.
After a few moments, Rose gets up and follows the Doctor down the steps.
ROSE: Alright... as my mate Shareen says... don't argue with the designated driver...
The Doctor, with his back turned to her, smiles at that. Rose gets her mobile out of her pocket.
ROSE (CONT'D): Can't exactly call for a taxi... there's no signal. We're out of range. Just a bit!
THE DOCTOR: Tell you what...
He takes the phone from her.
THE DOCTOR: With a little bit of jiggery pokery...
He takes the back off the phone.
ROSE: Is that a technical term, "jiggery pokery"?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I came first in jiggery pokery, what about you?
ROSE: Nah, failed hullabaloo.
THE DOCTOR: Oooh. (Fits in a new battery, hands phone back to Rose). There you go.
Rose takes it and looks at him uncertainly. He nods. Rose gets her mum's number onto the screen and puts the phone to her ear. It rings.
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
We find ourselves in the Jackie's kitchen, 2005.
JACKIE: Hello?
ROSE: Mum?
Jackie, at home, is putting some washing into the machine.
JACKIE: Oh, what is it? What's wrong? What have I done now? Oh, this red top's falling to bits! You should get your money back. Go on! There must be something, you never phone in the middle of the day!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose laughs.
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
JACKIE: What's so funny?
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Nothing! You all right, though?
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
JACKIE: Yeah! Why wouldn't I be?
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: What day is it?
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
JACKIE: Wednesday. All day. You got a hangover? Oh, I tell you what, put a quid in that lottery syndicate, I'll pay you back later.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Yeah, um, I was just calling 'cause I might be late home.
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
JACKIE: Is there something wrong?
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: No! I'm fine! Top of the world!
The Doctor laughs.
INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN
Jackie puts the phone down.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose lowers the mobile, stunned.
THE DOCTOR: Think that's amazing, you want to see the bill.
ROSE: That was 5 billion years ago. So... she's dead now. Five billion years later, my mum's dead.
THE DOCTOR: Bundle of laughs, you are.
The ship shudders.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (rather pleased and curious): That's not supposed to happen...
INT. STEWARD'S OFFICE
STEWARD (to control): Well, what was it? I'm just getting green lights at this end. (Activates loudspeaker). Honoured guests may be reassured that gravity pockets may cause slight turbulence, thanking you.
As soon as it is switched off again, he speaks angrily to control again.
STEWARD (CONT'D): The whole place shook! I felt it! I've hosted all sorts of events on platforms 1, 3, 6 and 15 and I've never felt the slightest tremor. I warn you, if this lot decide to sue... I'm going to scan the infrastructure. (Presses a few buttons). What's that?
A spider scurries down the wall behind him.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Control, I don't want to worry you, but I'm picking up readings... (Computer beeps). I have no idea! Well, they're small, and the scan says they're metal... (Computer beeps, frustrated). I don't know what they look like!
Suddenly, he spots the spider, which is now pottering around on his desk next to his mug.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Although, I imagine they might look rather like that... you're not on the guest list... how did you get on board...?
The spider looks at him almost mockingly and presses a yellow button on the control panel. The computerized woman's voice booms out again.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter deactivated.
STEWARD: No. No!
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending.
The sunfilter does indeed, descend.
STEWARD (frantic): No! Sunfilter, up! No, no, no!
He fumbles frantically with the buttons on the control panels, but too late.
STEWARD (CONT'D): Sunfilter up! Sunfilter up!
Blinding light engulfs the steward.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending.
The Steward screams. Outside the room, the spider escapes through an air vent.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
The guests are completely oblivious to the commotion, chatting to each other. The Moxx of Balhoon is talking to the Face of Boe.
MOXX OF BALHOON: ...this is the Bad Wolf scenario...
The Doctor and Rose enter.
THE DOCTOR: That wasn't a gravity pocket. I know gravity pockets and they don't feel like that.
He is fiddling with a control panel next to the door. Jabe approaches them.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): What do you think, Jabe? Listened to the engines, they pitched up about 30 hertz, is that dodgy or what?
JABE: It's the sound of metal, it doesn't make any sense to me.
THE DOCTOR: Where's the engine room?
JABE: I don't know... but the maintenance duct is just behind our guest's suite, I could show you. And... (Gestures Rose) ...your wife.
THE DOCTOR: She's not my wife.
JABE: Partner?
THE DOCTOR: No.
JABE: Concubine?
THE DOCTOR: Nope.
Jabe looks at Rose.
JABE: Prostitute...
ROSE (insulted): Whatever I am, it must be invisible, do you mind? Tell you what, you two go and pollinate, I'm going to catch up with family. Quick word with Michael Jackson.
She makes her way over to Cassandra.
THE DOCTOR: Don't start a fight. (Proffers arm to Jabe). I'm all yours.
ROSE (watching them leave): And I want you home by midnight!
The Doctor grins back at her.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 15 minutes. Earth Death in 15 minutes.
[SCENE_BREAK]
INT. MAINTENANCE CORRIDOR
Before the Doctor and Jabe enter, several spiders scurry out of view.
THE DOCTOR: Who's in charge of Platform One? Is there a captain or what?
JABE: There's just the steward and the staff. All the rest is controlled by the metal man.
THE DOCTOR: You mean the computer? But who controls that?
JABE: The Corporation. They move Platform One from one artistic event to another.
The Doctor is silent for a moment.
THE DOCTOR: But there's no one from the corporation on board.
JABE: They're not needed. This facility is purely automatic. It's the height of the alpha class. Nothing can go wrong.
THE DOCTOR: Unsinkable?
JABE: If you like. The nautical metaphor is appropriate.
THE DOCTOR: You're telling me. I was on board another ship once. They said that was unsinkable... I ended up clinging to an iceberg, it wasn't half cold. (Stops a moment). So, what you're saying is, if we get in trouble there's no one to help us out?
JABE: I'm afraid not.
THE DOCTOR (grinning): Fantastic.
He starts walking again.
JABE: I don't understand. In what way is THAT fantastic?
Behind them, a spider creeps out of its hiding place.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
Rose is talking to Cassandra. They are looking out of a window at the sun and down at the Earth.
CASSANDRA: Soon, the sun will blossom into a red giant, and my home will die. That's where I used to live, when I was a little boy. Down there. Mummy and Daddy had a little house built into the side of the Los Angeles Crevice. (Sighs). I had such fun.
ROSE: What happened to everyone else? The Human Race, where did it go?
CASSANDRA: They say Mankind has touched every star in the sky.
ROSE: So, you're NOT the last human.
CASSANDRA: I am the last PURE human. The others... mingled. (Disgusted). Oh, they call themselves "New Humans" and "Proto-humans" and "Digi-humans" even "Human-ish" but you know what I call them? (Lowers her voice to a whisper). Mongrels.
ROSE: Right. And you stayed behind.
CASSANDRA: I kept myself pure.
ROSE: How many operations have you had?
CASSANDRA: 708. Next week, it's 709, I'm having my blood bleached. Is that why you wanted a word? You could be flatter, Rose. You've got a little bit of a chin poking out.
ROSE: I'd rather die.
CASSANDRA: Honestly, it doesn't hurt...
ROSE: No, I mean it. I'd rather die. It's better to die than live like you, a bitchy trampoline.
CASSANDRA: Oh well. What do you know.
ROSE: I was born on that planet. And so was my mum, and so was my dad and that makes me officially the last human being in this room, 'cause you're not human. You've had it all nipped and tucked and flattened till there's nothing left. Anything human got chucked in the bin. You're just skin, Cassandra. Lipstick and skin. Nice talking.
She walks off. The Adherents of the Repeated Meme watch her leave through the sliding doors.
INT. MAINTENANCE CORRIDOR
The Doctor and Jabe are still making their way down the corridor, the low ceiling forcing them to stoop slightly.
THE DOCTOR: So, tell me, Jabe. What's a tree like you doing in a place like this?
JABE: Respect for the Earth.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, come on. Everyone on this platform's worth zillions.
JABE: Well... perhaps it's a case of having to be seen at the right occasions.
THE DOCTOR: In case your share prices drop? I know you lot. You've got massive forests everywhere, roots everywhere, and there's always money in land.
JABE: All the same. You respect the Earth as family. So many species evolved from that planet. Mankind is only one. I'm another. My ancestors were transplanted from the planet down below. And I'm a direct descendant of the tropical rainforest.
The Doctor looks impressed. He then points to a control panel.
THE DOCTOR: Excuse me.
He gets out his sonic screwdriver and starts poking the screen with it.
JABE: And what about your ancestry, Doctor? Perhaps you could tell a story or two... perhaps a man only enjoys trouble when there's nothing else left... (No answer). I scanned you earlier. The metal machine had trouble identifying your species, refused to admit your existence.
The Doctor pretends to be concentrating on the scan, but a flicker of emotion passes across his face.
JABE (CONT'D): And even when it named you, I wouldn't believe it. But it was right.
The Doctor stops scanning. Deep sadness is reflected in his eyes. Jabe's tone is hushed, awed.
JABE (CONT'D): I know where you're from. Forgive me for intruding, but it's remarkable that you even exist. I just want to say... how sorry I am.
Jabe puts a comforting hand on his arm. The Doctor's eyes are filled with tears. He places his hand over hers, and a tear falls down his cheek. He quickly finishes the scan and he and Jabe go through a door.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
The Doctor and Jabe find themselves in the ventillation chamber. There are huge fans circulating in there. The Doctor looks down at Jabe.
THE DOCTOR: Is it me, or is it a bit nippy?
INT. PLATFORM ONE, CORRIDOR
Rose walks alone down a corridor. The Adherents of the Repeated Meme are coming from the other end. She smiles at them, but the front one strikes her to the ground where she lies unconscious as they drag her from view.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
THE DOCTOR: Fair do's, though, that's a great bit of air conditioning. Sort of, nice and old fashioned. Bet they call it "retro". (Scans another control panel with his sonic screwdriver). Gotcha.
The panel falls off and a spider scuttles out and scurries across the floor and up the wall. The Doctor and Jabe watch it.
THE DOCTOR: What the hell's that?
JABE: Is it part of the "retro"?
THE DOCTOR: I don't think so. Hold on.
He points the screwdriver at the spider. However, Jabe fires something up at the spider, disabling it. It comes falling into the Doctor's hand.
THE DOCTOR: Hey! Nice liana!
JABE: Thank you! We're not supposed to show them in public.
THE DOCTOR: Don't worry, I won't tell anybody. (Turns his attention to the spider). Now then. Who's been bringing the pets on board?
JABE: What does it do?
THE DOCTOR: Sabotage.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 10 minutes.
THE DOCTOR: And the temperature's about to rocket. Come on.
They hurry from the chamber.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
The aliens mill about.
CASSANDRA: The planet's end. Come gather! Come gather! Bid farewell to the cradle of civilization. Let us mourn her with a traditional ballad.
Britney Spears' Toxic suddenly blasts out of the enormous iPod.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE STEWARD'S OFFICE
The Doctor and Jabe hurry along, the corridor is filled with smoke and the staff are coughing squeaky little coughs.
THE DOCTOR: Come on! Get back!
He moves his sonic screwdriver over another control panel.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter rising. Sunfilter rising.
JABE (concerned): Was the Steward in there?!
THE DOCTOR: You can smell him. Hold on, there's another sun filter program to descend.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
'Toxic' plays loudly as Rose wakes up, rubbing her head.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending. Sunfilter descending.
Rose sits up in alarm as the Sunfilter descends. She runs to the door and knocks on it frantically.
ROSE: Let me out!
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
The Doctor runs along the corridor.
ROSE: Let me out! Let me out!
The Doctor arrives outside the door to attempt to make the Sunfilter rise again.
THE DOCTOR: Anyone in there?
ROSE (frantically): Let me out!
THE DOCTOR: Oh, well, it would be you.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Open the door!
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
THE DOCTOR: Hold on! Give us two ticks!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The whole room is smoking.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending. Sunfilter descending.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
The display on the control panel says 'Sunfilter Rising'. The Doctor looks up expectantly.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter rising. Sunfilter rising.
The Doctor looks pleased with himself.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose sighs with relief.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter rising... Sunfilter descending.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
THE DOCTOR: This is just what we need. The computer's getting clever.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Will you stop mucking about!
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
THE DOCTOR: I'm not mucking about, it's fighting back!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
ROSE: Open the door!
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
THE DOCTOR: Hang on!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose runs down the stairs and flattens herself to the floor.
ROSE: The locks melted!
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter descending. Sunfilter descending.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VIEWING GALLERY
The Doctor jabs his sonic screwdriver right inside the wires.
COMPUTER VOICE: Sunfilter rising. Sunfilter rising.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Panting, Rose runs back to the door. The Doctor cannot open it.
THE DOCTOR: The whole thing's jammed. I can't open the doors. Stay there! Don't move!
ROSE (terrified sort of sarcasm): Where're am I gonna go?! Ipswich?!
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 5 minutes.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
JABE (looking at her computer): The metal machine confirms. The spider devices have infiltrated the whole of platform one.
CASSANDRA: How's that possible? Our private rooms are protected by a code wall. Moisturize me, moisturize me.
The Doctor takes the destabilized spider out of Jabe's hand.
MOXX OF BALHOON: Summon the Steward!
JABE: I'm afraid the Steward is dead.
There is a general gasp of shock.
MOXX OF BALHOON: Who killed him?
CASSANDRA: This whole event was sponsored by the Face of Boe! He invited us! (Face of Boe shakes his head). Talk to the face! Talk to the face!
THE DOCTOR: Easy way of finding out. Someone bought a little pet on board. (Shows them the spider). Let's send him back to Master.
He places the spider down on the floor. The spider scuttles along to Cassandra and looks up at her. Cassandra looks shifty for a moment, but the spider moves on to the feet of the Adherents of the Repeated Meme.
CASSANDRA: The Adherents of the Repeated Meme. J'accuse!
THE DOCTOR: That's all very well, and really kind of obvious, but if you stop and think about it...
The Adherents of the Repeated Meme tries to strike him, but he catches its arm and rips it off.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): A Repeated Meme is just an idea. And that's all they are. An idea.
He rips a wire out of the arm and all of the Adherents of the Repeated Meme crumple into a bundle of black cloaks. Everyone gasps. Cassandra rolls her eyes.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Remote controlled Droids. Nice little cover for the real troublemaker. Go on, Jimbo! (Nudges spider with his foot). Go home!
The spider ambles back over to Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: I bet you were the school swot and never got kissed.
The Doctor raises his eyebrows.
CASSANDRA (CONT'D): At arms!
The two bodyguards with canisters on either side of her raise their canisters.
THE DOCTOR (mockingly): What are you going to do, moisturize me?
CASSANDRA: With acid. Oh, too late anyway. My spiders have control of the mainframe. Oh, you all carried them as gifts, tax free, past every code wall. I'm not just as pretty face.
THE DOCTOR: Sabotaging a ship while you're still inside it? How stupid's that?
CASSANDRA: I'd hoped to manufacture a hostage situation with myself as one of the victims. The compensation would have been enormous.
THE DOCTOR: Five billion years and it still comes down to money.
CASSANDRA: Do you think it's cheap, looking like this? Flatness costs a fortune. I am The Last Human, Doctor. Me. Not that freaky little kid of yours.
MOXX OF BALHOON: Arrest her!
CASSANDRA: Oh, shut it, pixie. I've still got my final option.
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 3 minutes.
CASSANDRA: And here it comes. You're just as useful dead, all of you. I have shares in your rival companies and they'll triple in price as soon as you're dead. My spiders are primed and ready to destroy the safety systems. How did that old Earth song go? "Burn, baby, burn."
JABE: Then you'll burn with us.
CASSANDRA: Oh, I'm so sorry. I know the use of teleportation is strictly forbidden, but... I'm such a naughty thing. Spiders, activate.
There are a series of explosions around the ship.
CASSANDRA: Force fields gone with the planet about to explode. At least it'll be quick. Just like my fifth husband. (Giggles). Oh, shame on me. Buh-bye, darlings! Buh-bye, my darlings...
She and her bodyguards teleport out.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels rising.
MOXX OF BALHOON: Reset the computer!
JABE: Only the Steward would know how.
THE DOCTOR: No. We can do it by hand. There must be a system restore switch. Jabe, come on.
They leave the room. He calls back the crowd over his shoulder.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You lot - just chill!
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
COMPUTER VOICE: Earth Death in 2 minutes. Earth Death in 2 minutes.
INT. MAINTENANCE CORRIDOR
Jabe and the Doctor are running back through the maintenance corridor.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, critical. Heat levels, critical.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER.
The Doctor and Jabe reach the ventilation chamber.
THE DOCTOR: Oh. And guess where the switch is.
The switch is located at the other side of the enormous fans.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels - rising. Heat levels, rising.
The Doctor pulls a lever down and the fans slow down.
COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D): External temperature, 5 thousand degrees.
As soon as the Doctor lets go of the lever, the fans start to speed up again. As the Doctor looks hopelessly at the fans, Jabe pulls the lever down again and holds it there.
THE DOCTOR: You can't. The heat's going to vent through this place.
JABE: I know.
THE DOCTOR: Jabe, you're made of wood.
JABE: Then stop wasting time. Time Lord.
He grins at her and runs back to the fans.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, rising. Heat levels, rising.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
The glass begins to crack.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, hazardous.
MOXX OF BALHOON: We're going to die!
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, hazardous.
The Doctor dodges the first fan and runs underneath it. He looks anxiously up at the next one.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The glass begins to crack. Rose cowers against the wall.
COMPUTER VOICE: Shields malfunctioning. Shields malfunctioning.
Rays of sun blast in through the cracks, burning holes in the parts of the metal wall they hit. Rose screams.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
The Doctor is still standing before the second fan. He looks back at Jabe who is sweating and breathing heavily.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, critical. Heat levels, critical.
The Doctor dodges under the second fan.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
The glass cracks further, engulfing the Moxx of Balhoon in light. He cries out.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The sunrays hit the wall either side of Rose.
COMPUTER VOICE: Heat levels, rising. Heat levels, rising.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
As the Doctor stands before the third fan. Jabe starts shaking violently. Suddenly, she gasps as one of her hands catches fire. She screams. The Doctor looks back, shocked. Now there is no one to hold the lever down, the fans circulate so fast that they can hardly be seen, in order to cool the ship down. It is impossible for the Doctor to get through.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
The walls around Rose are rapidly burning.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
COMPUTER VOICE: Planet explodes in 10... 9...
The Doctor closes his eyes. All grows quiet.
COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D): 8... 7... 6... 5... 4...
The Doctor, still with his eyes closed, steps calmly though the fan. When at the other side, he opens his eyes and dashes to the switch, pulling it down.
THE DOCTOR: Raise shields!
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
Rose has her eyes closed and is shaking.
COMPUTER VOICE: ...1
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
The force fields around the ships are reset just as the planet is engulfed in fire. It explodes, leaving the ship completely unharmed.
INT. VIEWING GALLERY
COMPUTER VOICE: Exoglass repair. Exoglass repair.
The glass is automatically repaired. Rose opens her eyes, panting heavily.
INT. VENTILATION CHAMBER
The Doctor walks back through the fans. He pauses for a moment to look sadly at the charred and smoking remains of Jabe.
INT. THE MANCHESTER SUITE
Rose walks back into the observation gallery, where all the aliens are sitting around, wounded or dead. The Doctor walks briskly in a few moments later. He glances at Rose but does not pause to talk to her. Instead he goes straight to Jabe's companions, mutters a few words to them and then places his hands on their shoulders, leaving them to grieve. He then walks back near Rose.
ROSE: You all right?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm full of ideas, I'm bristling with them. Idea number one, teleportation through five thousand degrees needs some kind of feed. Idea number two, this feed must be hidden nearby.
He strides over to the ostrich egg, breaks it open and the teleportation feed falls out. He picks it up.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Idea number three, if you're as clever as me, then a teleportation feed can be reversed.
He twists the feed. Cassandra appears before them, apparently in the middle of gloating.
CASSANDRA: Ah, you should have seen their little alien faces. (Notices her new surroundings). Oh.
THE DOCTOR: The Last Human.
CASSANDRA (flustered): So. You passed my little test. Bravo. This makes you eligible to join the er... the human club.
THE DOCTOR: People have died, Cassandra. You murdered them.
CASSANDRA: That depends on your definition of 'people'. And that's enough of a technicality to keep your lawyers dizzy for centuries. Take me to court then, Doctor! And watch me smile, and cry, and flutter...
THE DOCTOR: And creak?
CASSANDRA: And what?
THE DOCTOR: Creak! You're creaking.
Cassandra's skin is tightening. Her eyes are becoming bloodshot and she is getting whiter and whiter.
CASSANDRA (panicking): What? Ah! Ah! I'm drying out! Oh, sweet heavens! Moisturize me! Moisturize me! Where are my surgeons? My lovely boys! It's too hot!
She's covered in red blotches.
THE DOCTOR: You raised the temperature.
CASSANDRA (terrified, pathetic): Have pity! Moisturize me! Oh, Doctor!
ROSE (shaken): Help her.
THE DOCTOR: Everything has its time and everything dies.
CASSANDRA (shrivelling up): I'm... too... young!
She explodes. The Doctor looks completely cold and not remotely fazed. He leaves the room.
EXT. PLATFORM ONE
COMPUTER VOICE: Shuttles 4 and 6 departing. This unit now closing down for maintenance.
INT. MANCHESTER SUITE
The Manchester Sute is now completely empty apart from Rose, who is standing at the window watching the Earth burn with a very vulnerable and sad look on her face, oblivious to the Doctor watching her from the doorway. Rocks fly past the window. She turns around when she hears the Doctor's footsteps as he comes to stand beside her.
ROSE (teafully): The end of the Earth. It's gone. And we were too busy saving ourselves, no one saw it go. (The Doctor looks down at her). All those years... all that history and no one was even looking. It's just...
THE DOCTOR (holds his hand out to her). Come with me.
Rose takes his hand and they walk away together.
EXT. PICCADILLY CIRCUS
Back in 2005, Rose steps out of the TARDIS. She looks around at the crowds, seeing them in a new light. The Doctor stands beside her.
BIG ISSUE SELLER: Big issue!
THE DOCTOR: You think it'll last forever. People, and cars and concrete. But it won't. One day, it's all gone. Even the sky. (They both look at the sky. After a moment). My planet's gone.
Rose turns to look at him. This is the first time he's mentioned his home.
THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): It's dead. It burned like the Earth. It's just rocks and dust. Before it's time.
ROSE: What happened?
THE DOCTOR: There was a war. And we lost.
ROSE: A war with who?
He doesn't answer, seemingly lost in thought.
ROSE (CONT'D): What about your people?
THE DOCTOR: I'm a Time Lord. I'm the last of the Time Lords. They're all gone. I'm the only survivor. I'm left travelling on my own because there's no one else.
ROSE: There's me...
She smiles at him.
THE DOCTOR: You've seen how dangerous it is. Do you want to go home?
Rose looks at him for a few seconds.
ROSE: I don't know. I want... (Sniffs the air). Oh! Can you smell chips?
THE DOCTOR (laughs): Yeah. Yeah!
ROSE: I want chips.
THE DOCTOR (smiling): Me too.
ROSE: Right then, before you get me back in that box, chips it is, and you can pay.
THE DOCTOR: No money.
ROSE: What sort of date are you? Come on then, tightwad, chips are on me.
He smiles at her, delighted.
ROSE (CONT'D): We've only got five billion years before the shops close...
They walk down the street together laughing, Rose nuzzling her head against his shoulder. | |
doc_334 | TERMINUS
BY: STEPHEN GALLAGHER
Part One
First Air Date: 15 February 1983
Running time: 24:58
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: I'm scared. This place is like a maze. Where am I supposed to be going?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Your function is to obey, not question.
TURLOUGH: I may not have must time. I don't think they trust me, especially Tegan.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): The roundel behind you.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): That one. Open it.
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Operate the blue switches. Now you'll be able to remove the space-time element from beneath the console.
TURLOUGH: Which switches will release the TARDIS to my control?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Do only as I say.
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough!
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Quickly, close the roundel.
TURLOUGH: Now what do I do?
GUARDIAN (OOV.): Go to the console room.
TURLOUGH: And? Where have you gone?
TEGAN: Who were you talking to?
TURLOUGH: Oh, no one. I was singing. Not very well, I'm afraid.
TEGAN: Why didn't you answer when I called?
TURLOUGH: I'm very sorry, I didn't hear you.
TEGAN: You're up to something, I can feel it.
TURLOUGH: I'm simply looking around. The TARDIS is so very large.
TEGAN: What have you been doing? Have you touched anything?
TURLOUGH: You look so sweet when you get angry.
TEGAN: I'm being serious. What have you been doing?
TURLOUGH: Nothing. You're being foolishly and unjustifiably suspicious. Tegan, why do you dislike me so much?
TEGAN: You're unreliable.
TURLOUGH: You hardly know me.
TEGAN: I heard the way you were talking to the Doctor.
TURLOUGH: Being friendly hardly makes me unreliable.
TEGAN: It's the way you were doing it.
TURLOUGH: Oh, you would prefer I used your sledgehammer tactics?
TEGAN: At least I'm honest.
TURLOUGH: Being rude isn't honest. Neither is overreacting. If I choose to smooth the way with a smile and a soft phrase, that doesn't make me unreliable. Charm, the way I use it, is to disagree agreeably.
TEGAN: You were using it to deceive.
TURLOUGH: Oh, you're so typical of your planet, reduced to shouting if you can't have your own way.
TEGAN: I am not!
TURLOUGH: No? You seem unable to grasp that there are other approaches. To smile before asking.
TEGAN: Don't patronise me, Turlough.
TURLOUGH: I'm simply relating what I think.
TEGAN: Turning an argument around is something you're very good at.
TURLOUGH: Listen to yourself. You're so concrete in the way you think. Why can't you just agree to differ?
TEGAN: I think you're dangerous.
TURLOUGH: I think we should try and be friends.
TEGAN: I'm going to tell the Doctor about the roundel.
TURLOUGH: Do so, but you'd only make a fool of yourself. I travel in the TARDIS too, now. I have no desire to kill myself. I had no reason to open that roundel. Where are you going?
TEGAN: To show you to your room.
TURLOUGH: We're friends?
TEGAN: Not yet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Looks like a kid's room.
TEGAN: It was Adric's.
TURLOUGH: Who?
TEGAN: Doesn't matter.
TURLOUGH: I've had enough of children, what with that awful school on Earth.
TEGAN: You can change things if you want.
TURLOUGH: Right, all this can go for a start.
TEGAN: It's your room. Do what you like.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: He's got the manners of a pig.
NYSSA: The Doctor?
TEGAN: The brat, Turlough.
NYSSA: He'll settle down.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: It's repaired itself.
GUARDIAN (on scanner): Concentrate. You have work to do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: What are you doing?
NYSSA: Synthesising an enzyme. I seem to need the practice.
TEGAN: You've done it before.
NYSSA: Adric did the calculation for me. My own figures aren't as good, as you can see.
TEGAN: I'll see if I can find his notes, before Turlough destroys them.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: What will this do?
GUARDIAN (on scanner): You are touching the heart of the TARDIS. Rip it free!
TURLOUGH: What happens to me?
GUARDIAN (on scanner): You will be safe. I am ready to lift you away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Turlough?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Turlough?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: It's stuck.
GUARDIAN (on scanner): Continue.
TURLOUGH: I'm trying. It won't move.
GUARDIAN (on scanner): The break-up is beginning. I can sense it. Remove the space-time element!
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Turlough? Oh, no. Doctor!
DOCTOR: What is it?
TEGAN: Quickly!
TEGAN: What is it?
DOCTOR: We're in trouble. I'll explain later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: What was Nyssa working on?
TEGAN: Nothing that could have caused this.
DOCTOR: The rotor's jamming. Well, there's a safety cut out.
TURLOUGH: Is Nyssa safe?
DOCTOR: Well, we'll see. I'm trying to refocus the exterior viewer on the interior of the TARDIS.
TEGAN: It's just a mess.
DOCTOR: Dimensional instability, that's the danger. Nyssa!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR (OOV.): Nyssa, can you hear me?
NYSSA: Yes!
DOCTOR (OOV.): Stay well back. There's nothing you can do. Nyssa?
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: What's that? I saw something just for a moment.
DOCTOR: Oh, no. The outside universe is breaking through.
TEGAN: Look!
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR (OOV.): Look behind you, Nyssa.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Go through, Nyssa. It's your only chance.
TEGAN: Where are you sending her?
DOCTOR: I don't know, but if she stays in the room, she'll die.
DOCTOR: Nyssa, if you can hear me,
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR (OOV.): Keep moving. Keep moving, Nyssa. Stay ahead of it. If you don't, it will kill you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: What's that?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
TURLOUGH: Where does that door lead to?
DOCTOR: Another spacecraft.
TEGAN: Look!
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Where did the other spacecraft come from?
DOCTOR: The TARDIS found it. There's a fail-safe. On impending break-up, it seeks out and locks onto the nearest spacecraft.
TEGAN: You never mentioned it before.
DOCTOR: Well, it never worked before.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Well?
DOCTOR: She's gone. Stay there.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Nyssa's gone.
TURLOUGH: What was that?
TEGAN: The Doctor!
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEGAN: Doctor? Doctor?
[SCENE_BREAK]
GUARDIAN: Follow them.
TURLOUGH: I can't.
GUARDIAN: Follow, and kill him!
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH (OOV.): Tegan?
TURLOUGH: I wonder how that happened.
TEGAN: It seems we have no choice. We go on.
DOCTOR: What have I sent you into, Nyssa?
TEGAN: Come on, we can catch up with the Doctor. Come on!
DOCTOR: Nyssa.
NYSSA: Doctor!
NYSSA: Where are we?
DOCTOR: I think it's some sort of old passenger liner.
NYSSA: And those things?
DOCTOR: Yes, well, some people have the strangest ideas about decor. Come on, let's get back to the TARDIS.
KARI: Check the air seal.
OLVIR: Secure.
TEGAN: I'm positive that was Nyssa calling.
TURLOUGH: You heard something. Your imagination did the rest.
TEGAN: Maybe.
TURLOUGH: Let's go back.
TEGAN: No!
TURLOUGH: Oh, no.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: The whole ship's rigged to run on automatic, yet there's atmosphere. It doesn't fit the briefing at all.
OLVIR: So what? We're only here for the cargo.
KARI: Would it really surprise you if there weren't any? This ship is dead.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Ah. I don't remember this. We must have taken a wrong turn.
NYSSA: What is it?
DOCTOR: A massive plug. The hull must have been damaged at some time.
NYSSA: It's still soft.
DOCTOR: Yes, I know. Come on, we'll try, er, this way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
KARI: Advance party to raider. We're coming back. This isn't the ship you described.
OLVIR: We can't go back if he doesn't link with the airlock.
DOCTOR (OOV.): Er, this way.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: We're lost, aren't we.
DOCTOR: Certainly not.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DOCTOR: Oh, dear. So sorry, I didn't know it was private.
KARI: That's all right. We're in the mood for company.
[SCENE_BREAK]
VOICE (OOV.): Help me.
TURLOUGH: Over there.
VOICE (OOV.): Help me.
TEGAN: That's Nyssa!
[SCENE_BREAK]
OLVIR: Kill them. We've enough problems.
KARI: Be quiet. If you're not members of the crew, how did you get here?
DOCTOR: We have a ship of our own.
OLVIR: So they're after the cargo, too.
KARI: Are you?
DOCTOR: Unarmed?
OLVIR: Kari.
KARI: Watch them.
OLVIR: That's our ship! He's running out on us!
KARI: Shut up.
KARI: Advance party to raider. Come in, raider. Come in. ... Is this your work?
DOCTOR: Hardly.
DOCTOR: Neither is that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TURLOUGH: Engines.
VOICE (OOV.): Please help me.
TEGAN: Hold on, Nyssa. We must find something to lever the door open.
TURLOUGH: Let's get out of here.
TEGAN: Find a pry bar. Now!
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough, it's moving!
TURLOUGH: On my way.
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough!
TURLOUGH: I'm coming!
TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough!
TEGAN: Turlough
TEGAN: Help me!
TURLOUGH: Are you all right? I found the doorway to the TARDIS.
TEGAN: Where?
TURLOUGH: This way. Come on.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NYSSA: Who are they?
DOCTOR: Raiders, by the look of it. Probably an advance party to open the airlocks.
KARI: You say you have a ship?
DOCTOR: Yes.
KARI: I'm commandeering it.
DOCTOR: I think not.
DOCTOR: Stop bluffing. You haven't got a chance. Listen to the engines. Alignment manoeuvres. We're docking with another ship.
KARI: Then I'm asking you, will you take us off this ship?
DOCTOR: If you put the guns away, please.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
TANNOY: All decks stand by. All decks stand by. This is a special announcement from Terminus Incorporated.
DOCTOR: I think we should get out of here. Follow me.
TANNOY: Primary docking alignment procedures are now complete. Passengers with mobility should prepare to disembark.
[SCENE_BREAK]
TANNOY: Anyone failing to disembark will be removed. Sterilisation procedures will then follow.
TANNOY: There is no return. This is Terminus.
OLVIR: Wait a minute.
KARI: Olvir?
OLVIR: I know where we are.
KARI: Where?
TEGAN: They're everywhere.
TURLOUGH: Give me a hand. Come on, quickly.
OLVIR: Now we know, don't we? Now we know what its all about.
[SCENE_BREAK]
OLVIR: This is Terminus, where all the lazars come to die.
[SCENE_BREAK]
OLVIR (OOV.): We're on a leper ship! We're all going to die! | |
doc_335 | Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard: Uh..
Leonard: Sure
Penny: Okay, Priya?
Priya: Uh, I'll have the Shepherd's Pie. You want to split that with me?
Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.
Priya: Why not?
Leonard: Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's Day balloon.
Sheldon: Not quite accurate. The Macy's balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.
Leonard: So, no, on the Shepherd's Pie. Can we move on?
Penny: Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yoghurt. Do not believe it.
Leonard: Sea bass. I'll have the sea bass.
Howard: You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard: Kill me.
Sheldon: It wouldn'help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
Bernadette: Guys, sorry I'm late. I have amazing news.
Sheldon: Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard's faulty digestive system?
Leonard: So, what's your news, Bernadette?
Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I'm getting my PhD.
Penny: Oh!
Sheldon: Oh, congratulations.
Penny: Wow, so that means you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors.
Howard: Congratulations, honey.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Leonard: So, Howard, tell us, how's it feel knowing that when you two get married, you'll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Unless he takes Bernadette's last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.
Howard: Please, this isn't about me. I'm proud of you.
Bernadette: Well, you'll be really be proud of this. I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company. They're gonna pay me a buttload of money!
Howard: What?
Leonard: Bernadette, that's great. Howard, do you make a buttload?
Howard: Better than what you've got a buttload of.
Leonard: Hey, if I roll down the windows in the car, everything's peachy. If you do it, you're still not a doctor.
Penny: Yeah, just a heads-up on the car window deal. It helps, but everything is not peachy. Credits sequence.
Scene: Raj's apartment.
Raj (earphones in, singing): Oh, if there was a problem, you can't solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. Ice, Ice, baby. Ice, Ice, baby. (Removes headphones and goes to refrigerator).
Priya (off): Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.
Leonard (off): You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for inspection.
Priya (off): Shh, my brother's going to hear you.
Leonard (off): Relax, he's got headphones on. And we're ten miles above Earth in a starship.
Raj: Really, ten miles? You're orbiting inside the atmosphere? Moron.
Priya (off): I can't believe I'm wearing my brother's Halloween costume.
Leonard (off): I can't believe you think he only wears it on Halloween. Open the landing bay doors, shuttle craft approaching.
Raj: Okay, gotta go.
Scene: Howard's house.
Howard: Hey, what's up?
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?
Howard: No, Ma! It's Raj!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): He's a doctor too, right?
Howard: Yes!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Like Leonard and the skinny weirdo!
Howard: Sheldon, yes! Everybody's a doctor but me!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Well, whose fault is that?
Howard: What's up?
Raj: Leonard's putting disgusting memories in my memory foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight?
Howard: Sure, but I'm going out with Bernadette. It'll just be you and my mother.
Raj: I guess that's okay.
Howard: Ma, can Rajesh sleep over?!
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Of course, he and I can play doctor!
Raj: She's kidding, right?
Howard: I don't know, she's pretty feisty since they put her on hormone-replacement therapy.
Mrs Wolowitz (off): Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is talking to Amy on webcam.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.
Amy: It's indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.
Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?
Sheldon: It's a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.
Amy: Have you considered massage?
Sheldon: I'd like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.
Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.
Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.
Amy: Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.
Sheldon: All right.
Amy: Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.
Sheldon: Rotating.
Amy: You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.
Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?
Amy: Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I've never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!
Amy: Don't flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
Sheldon: There's someone at my door.
Amy: That doesn't interest me. Goodbye.
Raj (at door): Can I sleep here tonight?
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Leonard's having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek s*x with my sister.
Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I'll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.
Raj: Oh, don't bother. I'll just sleep in Leonard's room.
Sheldon: No, I can't authorize that.
Raj: Well, he's in my bed. Why can't I be in his?
Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.
Raj: Come on, dude, I'm exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep.
Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard's bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.
Raj: Good night, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
Raj: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I never kid about safety.
Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Leonard enters, and accidentally sits on Raj. Both exclaim.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Raj: I was sleeping.
Leonard: In my bed?
Raj: Well, I would've slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family. And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.
Leonard: Oh, you heard?
Raj: Scotty, I need more power.
Leonard: Sorry. Does Sheldon know you're sleeping in here?
Raj: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency fire drill and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know, she used to date Howard?
Raj: Oh, my God, she's that Mona? Why can't you and my sister spend your nights here?
Leonard: We tried. She doesn't get along with Sheldon.
Raj: Sheldon doesn't get along with Sheldon. It's still no reason for me to have to listen to you arm your photon torpedoes every night.
Leonard: Okay, well, how about this. Until Priya gets her own place, you stay here and I'll stay at your apartment.
Raj: Can I bring girls here?
Leonard: You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.
Raj: Okay, deal.
Leonard: Just not against their will.
Scene: The cafeteria.
Leonard: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard: Why?
Leonard: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
Howard: Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I'm not threatened by my fiancée's success. I'm proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.
Leonard: Until you have kids.
Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You're okay to stay for a while.
Raj: When did you take my blood?
Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I'd follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.
Raj: What the hell is this?
Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.
Raj: This says you can make end of life decisions for me.
Sheldon: As your friend, let's hope it doesn't come to that. Please sign.
Raj: Did you sign this?
Leonard: There's a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.
Raj: Well, that seems fair.
Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here's your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.
Leonard: Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase.
Sheldon: Also, you're tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You'll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here's the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.
Leonard: No backsies.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: Sheldon, dinner!
Sheldon: What is this?
Raj: This is the difference between eating and dining.
Sheldon: Remarkable. I'm just realizing how much Leonard's been skating by all these years.
Raj: It's not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.
Penny (at door): Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny, get your own Wi-Fi." No spaces.
Penny: Thanks. Wow! What's with the fancy spread?
Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.
Penny: What do you mean, new roommate? What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj: I'm the new Homo in town. That came out wrong.
Penny: All right, let me try this again. Where's Leonard?
Raj: He's living at my place, so I'm living here.
Sheldon: You're living here provisionally. But I must say it's looking good.
Penny: Woah, Leonard and Priya are living together? That's big.
Sheldon: No. Origami napkin swans, that's the headline.
Raj: It's a good thing.
Scene: Bernadette's bedroom.
Howard: So do you know what kind of research you'll be doing at this pharmaceutical company?
Bernadette: Well, there are a couple of opportunities available, but I volunteered for the premature ejaculation project. I mean, it's not like either one of us has heart disease. Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a little present.
Howard: Oh, Bernie, no. You didn't have to.
Bernadette: I wanted to. Come on, open it.
Howard: You bought me a Rolex? How much did this cost?
Bernadette: Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.
Scene: The apartment.
Raj: More wine?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no. I've had way too much already.
Sheldon: Here's an interesting fact about alcohol.
Penny: Hit me.
Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys.
Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
Sheldon: Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.
Penny: Okay, explain something to me. You watch Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think, Oh, Krishna, I've got to get me some of that?
Raj: Well, it's a lot better than having to wear noise-cancelling headphones in my own apartment.
Penny: What? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Leonard's a noisy little dude in the sack.
Raj: Every night.
Penny: Really? Even during allergy season, when he has to alternate between kissing and breathing?
Raj: It's my sister. Can we not talk about this any more?
Penny: Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Can I tell you a secret?
Raj: Yeah.
Penny: I screwed up. Leonard's a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.
Raj: Well, uh, to paraphrase Shakespeare, It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.
Penny: Oh, you poor baby.
Raj: What's wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends, and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story, I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen. To friendship.
Raj: To friendship.
Sheldon (off): Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking? And the answer was elephant!
Scene: Raj's apartment. Leonard and Priya are kissing.
Leonard: Mmm. Mmm.
Priya: Leonard, sweetheart, we're kissing, not eating hot soup.
Leonard: Sorry.
Priya (computer tone): That's my parents on video chat. Go hide in the bedroom.
Leonard: Oh, come on! Why don't we just tell them that we're dating?
Priya: Oh, we've been through this. It's not the time.
Leonard: When is the time?
Priya: I've got five brothers and sisters. One of them is bound to screw up real big, and then I'll tell my parents about you. Now, shoo.
Leonard: Fine.
Priya: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.
Dr Koothrappali: We heard there was a tornado in Kansas City. Is that close to you?
Priya: No.
Mrs Koothrappali: Where is your brother?
Priya: Out with friends.
Dr Koothrappali: I don't like it, a young girl alone in an apartment.
Mrs Koothrappali: I'll sleep so much better when you move back here next month.
Leonard: You're moving back to India?
Dr Koothrappali: Who's that?
Mrs Koothrappali: Oh, my God! There's someone in your apartment. Call the police in America!
Leonard: When were you going to tell me about this?
Priya: Oh, hello, Leonard. What a pleasant surprise! Mummy, Daddy, you remember Rajesh's friend Leonard.
Dr Koothrappali: I thought you said Rajesh was out with his friends.
Priya: He has many friends.
Dr Koothrappali: Rajesh has many friends?
Mrs Koothrappali: Why are you lying to us?
Leonard: She's lying because she doesn't want you to know we're dating.
Priya: Leonard!
Leonard: Well, what difference does it make? If you're moving back to India, we're obviously breaking up.
Priya: You know what? I don't want to deal with this right now.
Leonard: So. Hot in India?
Dr Koothrappali: Of course it is. It always is. It's India. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Leonard: Uh. That is a beautiful tapestry.
Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Raj and Penny are in bed.
Penny (waking up): Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? (Raj nods) Really? Still can't talk to me?
Scene: The living room. Leonard is asleep on the couch.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?
Leonard: I live here.
Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.
Leonard: Priya's going back to India.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you're not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?
Howard: I've been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: She gave me a beautiful watch.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Talk to him. Penny (entering room dishevelled, with a half naked Raj behind): Damn.
Leonard: What's going on?
Penny: Oh. It's, it's not what it looks like.
Sheldon: What does it look like? |
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