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At least, Polly climbed out of the window, but it was Oliver’s feet that landed lightly on the ground. Dawn was just turning the dark world into monochrome when she slipped across the inn’s yard. The Duchess watched her from the inn sign, too. Her father had been a great loyalist, at least up to the death of her mother... |
She knew all the words of “The World Turned Upside Down” and “The Devil Shall Be My Sergeant” and “Johnny Has Gone For a Soldier” and “The Girl I Left Behind Me” and, after the drink had been flowing for a while, she’d memorized “Colonel Crapski” and “I Wish I’d Never Kissed Her. ” And then, of course, there had been “... |
“Two thousand three hundred miles,” he said, shifting his position. “And it’s freezing on a broomstick, however low they fly. And then the barge, and then the coach…” He winced again. “I read your report. Do you think it’s possible for an entire nation to be insane?” Clarence swallowed. He’d been told that he was talki... |
Um…” Chinny had been trained as a diplomat. Some things he didn’t like to say directly. “Nuggan, sir…um…is rather…tetchy,” he managed. “Tetchy?” said Vimes. “A tetchy god? What, he complains about the noise their kids make? Objects to loud music after nine P. M. ?” “Um…we get the Ankh-Morpork Times here, sir, eventuall... |
Clearly a man could get into trouble talking wrong to a nob who might have important friends. “You sure you’ve come to the right place, sir?” he said. “Yes, Sergeant. I wish to enlist. ” Sergeant Jackrum shifted uneasily. “Yes, sir, but I’m sure a gentleman like you—” “Are you going to enlist me or not, Sergeant?” “Not... |
“Look, I never thaid I didn’t like it,” said Igor. He pushed his mug across the sticky bar. “Thame again?” Polly took the new tankard and sniffed at it. Then she took a sip. “Not bad,” she said. “At least it tastes like it’s—” The door pushed open, letting in the sounds of the storm. About two-thirds of a troll eased i... |
That seemed to inspire greater effort on the part of the other sleepers, to the point where the roof rattled and dust fell down, before everyone subsided. Once or twice she heard people stagger out into the windy darkness; in theory, for the privy, but probably, given male impatience in these matters, to aim much close... |
“Good grief, a lot of old women could shift better’n you!” he shouted with satisfaction as people flailed around looking for their coats and boots. “Fall in! Get shaved! Every man in the regiment to be clean shaven, by order! Get dressed! Wazzer, I’ve got my eye on you! Move! Move! Breakfast in five minutes! Last one t... |
Vampire, sir, will you be joining us for a morning’s light soldiering? On your feet! And where’s that bloody Igor?” “Here, thur,” said Igor, from three inches behind Strappi’s backbone. The corporal spun around. “How did you get there?” he bellowed. “It’th a gift, thur,” said Igor. “Don’t you ever get behind me again! ... |
The troll grunted and lowered the man to the floor. “Sorry about dat,” he said. “Thought you was a dwarf. ” “I dnemand this man is affrested for—” Strappi began. “No you don’t, Corporal, no you don’t,” said the sergeant. “This is not the time. On your feet, Carborundum, and get in line. Upon my oath, you try that littl... |
“You listen to me, Parts! You can’t get to be a great country like Borogravia without making enemies! Which leads me on to Point Three, Parts, who’s sitting there thinking he’s so smart. You all are. I can see it. Well, be smart about this: you might not like everything about your country, eh? It might not be the perfe... |
One or two of the injured glanced at the recruits as they lurched past, but there was no expression in their eyes beyond a terrible determination. Jackrum reined in the horse. “All right, twenty minutes breather,” he muttered. Igor turned, nodded to the party of wounded heading grimly onward, and said, “Permithion to t... |
The squad was passed by an old woman bent double under the weight of a black-and-white pig. And then there was just the road, rutted and muddy. An afternoon mist was rising from the fields on either side, quiet and clammy. After the noise of the refugees, the silence of the low countryside was suddenly oppressive. The ... |
He must have padded it, Polly thought. One cough and it’ll be over his eyes. Sergeant Jackrum snapped off a salute as the officer approached. “Jackrum, sir. You’ll be Lieutenant Blouse, sir?” “Well done, Sergeant. ” “These are the recruits from upriver, sir. Fine body of men, sir. ” The rider peered at the squad. He ac... |
One eye was covered in a patch. “We’re going to be pikemen, the lieutenant said!” said the vampire. “That means a sword and a pike per man, right? And a shield if there’s an arrow storm, right? And a heavy helmet, right?” “Wrong! You can’t yell at me like that!” said the man. “See these medals? I’m a—” A hand descended... |
Get promotion that way, see? Don’t want dissent in the ranks, eh? Don’t want loose talk about losing battles, right? Which is a load of bloody cludgies, ’cos the infantry grumbles all the time. Moaning is part of bein’ a soldier. ” He sighed. “Anyway, there’s a bunkhouse out the back, I beats the pallyarses regular so’... |
The sarge was a good man but a bit, you know, tough in the leg?” “A marinade would probably have helped,” said Shufti absently, flipping a slice of meat with a broken sword. He turned to Polly. “Was there any more stuff in the larder, Ozz? I can make up some stock for tomorrow if we can—” “I’m not going in that kitchen... |
We’ll be well down the Kneck, Polly noted. Well done, Threeparts. “Missing a corporal?” said Scallot. “Now there’s a thing. Usually it’s a recruit that goes ay-wole. Well, you heard the sergeant, boys. Time to wash up and turn in. ” There was a washroom and latrine, in a rough-and-ready fashion. Polly found a moment wh... |
So The Duchess would go to Paul if he was alive, or, if he was dead, it was allowable for it to go to Polly’s husband if she was married. And since Polly saw no prospect of that, she needed a brother. Paul could happily carry barrels around for the rest of his life; she would run The Duchess. But if she was left alone,... |
The captain backed away as Polly came out from behind the bar with the club readied again. But he hadn’t drawn his sword, and he was laughing. “Now, girl, if you want—” He caught her arm as she swung, dragged her toward him in a tight grip, still laughing, and folded up with a gasp as her knee connected with his sock d... |
” “That’s because we’re not slaves, you bloody beeteater,” growled one of the troopers. “Slaves? All my lads joined up of their own free will, turniphead. ” “Maybe they thought they did,” said the sergeant. “You just lied to ’em. Lied to ’em for years. They’re all gonna die because of your stupid lies! Lies and your ra... |
I am Captain Horentz and that fat bastard,” said Horentz, pointing a threatening finger at Jackrum, “that bastard offered me violence! As a prisoner! In chains! And that …boy ,” the captain added, spitting the word toward Polly, “kicked me in the privates and almost clubbed me to death! I demand that you let us go!” Bl... |
“No, they don’t,” said Polly. “I don’t think we are, either. ” “Does anyone think we are?” said Maladict. Polly looked from face to face. “But saying so…it’s like treachery against the Duchess, isn’t it?” said Wazzer. “It’s Spreading Alarm and Despondency, isn’t it?” “Maybe we ought to be alarmed,” said Maladict. “Do y... |
“I’m no donkey-walloper, as you know, Threeparts,” said Jackrum as he finished lashing the crutches behind the saddle, “but this is a hell of a good horse you’ve got here. ” “Damn right, Sarge. You could feed a platoon for a week off’f it!” said the corporal. “Sure you won’t come with us?” Jackrum added, standing back.... |
” “Right, ’cos he didn’t tell our writer friend his real name. Did you read the bit at the end?” Angua read, at the end of the text: “Perry, the captain threatened and harangued me after the recruits had gone. Alas, I had no time to fish for the manacle key in the privy. Please let the prince know where they are soones... |
“Deserters,” said Sergeant Jackrum ten minutes later. “It happens. ” He tossed the badge into the fire. “But they were on our side!” said Shufti. “So? Not everyone’s a nice gennelman like you, Private Manickle,” said Jackrum. “Not after a few years of gettin’ shot at and eatin’ rat scubbo. On the Retreat from Khrusk I ... |
Let’s see…cutthroat razor, oh dear, the gray stone for coarse sharpening, the red stone for fine sharpening, the soap, the brush, the bowl…well, at least she knew how to make foam… “Deserters, Sergeant. Bad business,” Blouse went on. “You always get ’em, sir. That’s why the pay is always late. Walking away from three m... |
” “It’s because I knows you are on perimeter guard, Halter, but I can see you as clear as if you was standing right here in front of me, Halter! Can’t I, Halter?” “Yes, Sarge!” “It’s just as well you are still on perimeter duty, Halter, because the penalty for absenting yourself from your post in time of war is death ,... |
You’ve got the waffles twisted and the snoffles are upside down,” said Polly, who’d often helped in the inn’s yard. “Ah, that would be why he was so difficult last night,” said Blouse. “I suppose I ought to know this sort of thing, but at home we had a man to do it…” “Let me, sir,” said Polly. She untwisted the bridle ... |
” “What’re female Igors called, Igor?” Igor stumbled and kept moving. He was silent for a while, and then said: “All right, what did I do wrong?” “Sometimes you forget to lisp,” said Polly. “But mostly…it’s just a feeling. Little things about the way you move, maybe. ” “The word you’re looking for is ‘Igorina,’” said I... |
She concentrated on keeping the noise down, and aimed for the clicking. The smell of chemical smoke grew stronger. It hung in the air around her. And, as she moved forward, she saw light, little specks of it. She raised her head. There were three men a few feet away, silhouetted against the night. One of them was holdi... |
“The Little Mother spoke to me, Ozz. She commanded me. She guides my steps! She led me out of vile slavery! How can that be an Abomination?” She’s got a sword, thought Polly. And a shovel. This needs careful handling. “That’s nice,” she said. “And…and I must tell you that…I…never in my life have I felt such love and ca... |
Why are people looking for us, pray?” Towering gave him a cockeyed grin. “You don’t know?” “No,” said Blouse coldly. “You really don’t know?” Now Towering was laughing. He was far too relaxed for a bound man, and Blouse sounded far too much like a nice but worried man trying to appear firm and determined. To Polly, it ... |
“And you were right, kiddo,” he said to Polly, over Blouse’s shoulder. “Cryin’ shame you ain’t an officer, eh?” The last of the fallen tea dribbled into the soil. Polly reached slowly for her crossbow. “Don’t. One step, one move from any of you, and I’ll cut him,” said the sergeant. “Won’t be the first officer I’ve kil... |
“Ever run across someone called Father Jupe?” “Oh, yes,” said Polly, and, feeling that something more was expected of her, added, “He used to come to dinner when my mother—he used to come to dinner. A bit pompous, but he seemed okay. ” “Yes,” said Tonker. “He was good at seeming. ” Once again there was a dark chasm in ... |
Get going!” Polly found Lieutenant Blouse sitting with his back to the cliff, eating scubbo out of a bowl. Igorina was packing away her medical kit, and Blouse’s ear was bandaged. “Everything all right, sir?” she said. “Sorry I wasn’t—” “I quite understand, Perks, you must stand your turn like the other ‘lads,’” said B... |
“We buried them,” said Maladict coldly. “We don’t know who killed them. ” “We did take some vegetables,” said Polly. She remembered laughing about it. Admittedly, it was only because it was that or start crying, but even so… “You’ve been living off the land?” He’d tugged a notebook out of his pocket and was scribbling ... |
After watching the track for a minute or two they stepped out and headed toward the cart. De Worde was sitting on a stool beside it, writing in a notebook, but he stood up hurriedly when he saw them. “It’d be a good idea to get off the track,” he said as soon as they approached. “There are a lot of patrols, I understan... |
” “And my regiment?” said Blouse quietly. “The remnant of the Tenth took part in a brave but, frankly, suicidal attempt to retake Kneck Keep a few days ago, sir. Most of the survivors are prisoners of war, and I have to tell you that almost all your high command have been captured. They were in the Keep when it was tak... |
I must fight for my country. We will repel all invaders. If there are deserters, we will find them and rally them again. We know the country. While we are free, Borogravia will be free. You have ‘had your say. ’ Thank you. Where is that tea, Perks?” “What? Oh, nearly done, sir!” said Polly, turning back to the fire. It... |
“I know the clacks is against your religion, but he seems to understand all about it!” “Like I said, sir, he assesses stuff,” said Jackrum, beaming. “Mind like a razor. ” “He was talking about clacks algorithms that the companies are only just now investigating!” said de Worde. “That department he was talking about—” “... |
“You may have gathered that we are heading back toward the mountains to raise a deserters’ army there. This story is, in fact, a ruse for the benefit of Mr. de Worde!” He paused, as if expecting some reaction. They stared at him. He went on: “We are, in fact, continuing our journey to the Kneck Valley. This is the last... |
In timeth of strethth their perthonal thpace can extend ath much ath ten mileth from their body. ” There was the usual pause that followed an extended lisp. People need time to think. “Streth-th?” said Blouse. “You know how you can feel that someone’s looking at you?” mumbled Maladict. “Well, it’s like that, times a th... |
“You, er, couldn’t raise the subject of coffee, could you?” said Polly wretchedly. “The Duchess can only move very, very small things,” said Wazzer. “A few beans, perhaps? Wazz, we really need some coffee! I don’t think the acorns are that much of a substitute!” “I will pray,” said Wazzer. “Good. You do that,” said Pol... |
“Do you mind walking a bit more…invisibly?” O F COURSE. H OW’S THIS? “And quietly, too?” There was silence, which was presumably the answer. “And polish yourself up a bit,” said Polly to the empty air. “And that robe needs a wash. ” There was no reply, but she felt better for saying it. Shufti had cooked beef stew with... |
Jack drew himself stiffly to attention. “Fully understood, sir!” he said. “Very well!” Jackrum stood to attention as the messages were exchanged, like a naughty pupil forced to stand by the teacher’s desk. Messages flashed across the sky, from hilltop to hilltop. Lights flickered. The clacks tube rattled. Wazzer called... |
“I’ve seen pictures, of course, but…they don’t do it justice. ” “Any of them books you read tell you what to do, sir?” said Jackrum. They were lying in some bushes half a mile away from the keep. “Possibly, Sergeant. In The Craft of War , Song Sung Lo said: to win without fighting is the greatest victory. The enemy wis... |
As soon as the scout reached Polly’s tree, she’d be seen. She’d have to do it now. Perhaps that’s why men did it. You didn’t do it to save duchesses, or countries. You killed the enemy to stop him killing your mates, that they in turn might save you… She could hear the cautious tread close to the tree. She raised the s... |
’ Who, in the pinch, is not ready to lay down his life for his country?” “In a proper stand-up fight, sir; not getting beaten over the head by a bunch of nasty men for creeping around their fort! You know I’ve never been one for spies an’ hidin’ your colors, sir, never. ” “Sergeant, we have no choice! We must take adva... |
After a few seconds, the rest of them heard him reciting “lawks, my poor feet!” in varying tones of fingernail screech. The squad went into a huddle. “What was all that about?” said Tonker. “He was talking about the theater,” said Maladict. “What’s that?” “An Abomination Unto Nuggan, of course,” said the vampire. “It’d... |
“It seems to me the sensible thing to do would be to ask you here and now how old you are. How old are you, Sergeant?” “Forty-three, sir,” said Jackrum instantly. Polly looked up, expecting the generic thunderclap that ought to accompany such a universe-sized untruth. “Are you sure?” said Blouse. “Forty-five, sir? The ... |
“But someone up there likes us. ” Twilight was brief at this time of year. There had been no sign from Blouse. “I watched until I couldn’t see,” said Jade as they sat and watched Shufti make stew. “Some of der women dat came out was ones I saw goin’ in dis mornin’, too. ” “Are you sure?” said Jackrum. “We might be fick... |
How are you going to get in?” “In the morning. When we see the women going in again,” said Polly. “Got it all planned, General? And you’ll be dressed as women?” “Er…we are women, Sarge,” said Polly. “Yes, lad. Technical detail. But you kitted out the rupert with all your little knickknacks, didn’t you? What’re you goin... |
See any clothes hanging out to dry, boys?” There were a few washing lines strung behind the half a dozen or so drab tents in this side valley, which was little more than a wash gouged out by winter rains. If there had been anything on them it had been taken in against the heavy dew. “Shame,” said Jackrum. “Okay, so we’... |
Feel sorry for us, do you? At least if someone cuts up rough we’ve got Garry outside and after he’s finished with the bloke the colonel gets told and the bastard gets bunged in clink. ” “Yeah,” said Prudence. “From what we hear, we’re the safest ladies within twenty-five miles. Old Smother’s not too bad. We get money t... |
Besides, if I went in there simpering in petticoats I’d never hear the end of it. ” “The Duchess says there is a d-different path for Sergeant Jackrum,” said Wazzer. “And I don’t know if you don’t frighten me worst of all, Private Goom,” said Jackrum. He hitched up his equatorial belt. “You’re right, though. When you’r... |
There would be others watching, she knew it. They’d probably be bored, they might not be expecting any trouble, but up on those walls there were eyes fixed on her. They reached the guard. Just inside the narrow stone doorway, there was another one, lounging in the shadow. “Papers,” said the guard. “Oh, sir, I have none... |
The brave womenfolk of Borogravia are on our side!” And, indeed, there was a picture of the Duchess in the alcove that served the laundry mistress for an office. Mrs. Enid wasn’t a particularly large woman, but she had forearms like Jade, a soaking wet apron, and the most mobile mouth Polly had every seen. Her lips and... |
Lapchick of Well Lane, Munz, on the death of your son Otto PiotrHanLapchic on June 25 at The place was always censored in case it brought aid and comfort to the enemy. It astonished Polly to find that the cheap medals and thoughtless words did, in a way, bring aid and comfort to the mothers. Those in Munz who had recei... |
Tonker and the others were watching the stacked baskets, too. “It’s been done?” “’Fraid so, sir. ” “How about…er…a dish of liver and onions?” “It’s called liver and onions, sir. Sorry,” said Polly, trying not to lose concentration. “Er, er, well, it has struck me that some dishes are named after people when really they... |
It could have been half a dozen other things but, somehow, that was the image that sprang to mind. The dead air moved a little. “I don’t want to worry anyone,” said Shufti, “but I can hear the sound of sort of feet, sort of dragging. ” Polly remembered the man lighting the candles. He’s dropped the bundle of matches in... |
“Just so long as you know we’re in this for the squad, okay? Not for the army and not for the bloody Duchess. ” “That was a treasonable speech, Private Halter!” said Lieutenant Blouse. Everyone but Polly had forgotten about him, and he stood there like an easy man to forget. “However,” he went on, “I realize we’re all ... |
” Blouse looked incredibly relieved. “Well, and then there’s the female bodyguards of King Samuel in Howandaland. All seven feet tall, I understand, and deadly with the spear. Throughout Klatch, of course, there are many stories of female warriors, often fighting alongside their men. Fearsome and fearless, I believe. M... |
“Compared to what?” said Tonker. “The last man out stuck his thumb up and winked,” said Polly. “Did you notice him? He wasn’t even wearing an officer’s uniform. ” “Probably wanted a date,” said Tonker. “In Ankh-Morpork that means ‘jolly good,’” said Blouse. “In Klatch, I think, it means ‘I hope your donkey explodes. ’ ... |
Would you argue? And in the other direction, there’s only the door. ” “How does she work this out?” “She doesn’t. She just sees how it should go. ” Tonker handed Blouse the end of a rope. “This goes over the beam and down to the dish lid. Can you hold it, Lieutenant? But don’t pull it until we say. I really mean that. ... |
Tonker had that look she got before she exploded, and even Shufti was fidgeting. It would only be a matter of time before Lofty found her box of matches, which Polly had hidden in a cupboard. Igorina packed up her bag and smiled brightly at the major. “Ready to go, thur,” she said. “At least remove the wig, eh?” “It’th... |
“Jumper it is, then,” said the major. He folded up his little spectacles and sighed. “They won’t even tell me what charges are going to be made. ” “Being Bad Girls,” said Tonker. “Who are we fooling, sir? The enemy wanted just to be quietly rid of us, and the general wants the same thing! That’s the trouble about the g... |
’” “I don’t see a lot of bald women around!” snapped Froc. “Yes, sir. It is one of those utterances that people find somewhat tricky, like the one about not sneezing. I should say at this point, sir, that I intend to show that Abominations are routinely committed by all of us. We have got into the habit of ignoring the... |
“If everyone else is. ” “So you’d have your baby without a husband?” said Polly. “He’s probably dead anyway, whoever he was,” sighed Shufti. “The general has influence,” said Clogston. “He might be able to—” “No, I’m not buying into this,” said Tonker. “It’s a gooey little lie. To hell with them. ” “Lofty?” said Polly.... |
Nevertheless—” “And I have information vital to these here deliberations, sir! There is something I must tell you, sir!” “Really? Then by all means tell us, man!” said Froc. “You don’t have to take all—” “It requires that some of you gentlemen quit this room, sir,” said Jackrum desperately. He was still at attention, s... |
” Jackrum opened his arms wide, like a ringmaster introducing a new act. “Then what about the lads I brought with me, sir? As cracking a bunch of lads as I’ve ever seen. ” He cast a bloodshot eye around the table. “And I’m good at weighing up a lad, as you all know! They’d be a credit to your army, sir!” Froc looked at... |
Well, I am the commander, I can request a…yes, I can request a truce, Sergeant—” “That’s ‘Sergeant Major,’ sir,” said Jackrum. “Right you are, sir, I’ll organize a runner to go to the alliance. ” “I suppose a…white flag would be—” “Good as done, sir. Leave it to me,” said Jackrum, radiating efficiency. “Yes, of course…... |
” Polly felt hundreds of eyes on her as the squad was let into the Inner Keep. There were one or two wolf whistles, because there were more soldiers in there, including quite a few trolls. Jade bent down, snatched up a rock, and hurled it at one of them, hitting him between the eyes. “No one move!” shouted Maladict, wa... |
” “But we don’t have any power! We can’t negotiate a—” “What does Borogravia want? Not the country. I mean the people. ” Polly opened her mouth to reply, and then shut it again and thought about the answer. “To be left alone,” she said. “By everybody. For a while, anyway. We can change things. ” “You’ll accept the food... |
” Johnny brightened up slightly when he heard that. Shufti gave him a long and careful look. “No,” she said at last, turning away. “That’s not him. ” Johnny opened his mouth, and Polly snapped: “No one asked you to speak, Private!” And such was the nature of the day that he shut up. “Oh, dear. I’m afraid he’s the only ... |
“Oh, that was nothing! You are only a peasant girl, after all! What do you know of life? And you showed spirit!” “Everyvun say chiz!” Otto commanded. “Vun, two, three…oh, bug—” By the time the after-images had died away, Otto was back on his feet again. “Vun day I really hope to find a filter zat works,” he muttered. “... |
And then a few months later I had a bit of a surprise, and he was called William, too, just like his father. Good job I had a bit of leave, eh? Me gran raised him for me, put him to a trade as an armorer over in Scritz. Good trade, that. No one kills a good armorer. They tell me he looks just like his dad. A captain I ... |
Polly had been there and didn’t see, but lots of people swore it had, and you might end up wondering what the truth really was, or whether there was the truth, and then again, if there was also the truth and, of course, T HE T RUTH. Anyway, it was the stuff of legends, where accuracy is not required as a major ingredie... |
Maybe a thousand! Names, real names, promotions, dates…everything… She pulled out a white pasteboard rectangle that had been inserted like a bookmark. It showed a rather florid coat of arms and bore the printed legend: William de Worde Editor, Ankh-Morpork Times “The Truth Shall Make Ye Frep” Gleam Street, Ankh-Morpork... |
Resounding praise for international bestselling author TERRY PRATCHETT and MONSTROUS REGIMENT “A master of laugh-out-loud fiction…[Pratchett] has created an alternate universe full of trolls, dwarfs, wizards, and other fantasy elements, and he uses that universe to reflect on our own culture with entertaining and glori... |
* Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins * Published by HarperCollins *... |
Unseen University was not rich in windows, and without the Candle Knave it would be in darkness within a day. That the wizards would simply step outside and from the teeming crowds hire another man capable of climbing ladders with pockets full of candles had never featured in his thoughts. He was irreplaceable, just li... |
Suddenly I can see the flame!’ From above came the sound of a match being struck, and a circle of yellow light expanded on the ceiling as the candle that never went out was lit. Shortly afterwards Smeems very gingerly lowered himself to the floor. ‘Well done, sir,’ said Nutt. The Candle Knave flicked a length of congea... |
Very seldom did beauty intrude into the daily life of UU, which was as masculine as the smell of old socks and pipe smoke and, given the faculty’s general laxness when it came to knocking out their pipes, the smell of smoking socks as well. Mrs Whitlow, the housekeeper, she of the clanking chatelaine and huge creaking ... |
Doctor Earwig—’ Ponder began, unable to stop himself. ‘He left to get married!’ snapped Ridcully. ‘That’s not retirin’, that’s the same as dyin’. ’ ‘What about Doctor Housemartin?’ Ponder went on. The Lecturer in Recent Runes kicked him on the ankle, but Ponder merely said, ‘Ouch!’ and continued. ‘He left with a bad ca... |
‘Although I might go so far as to say that not observing it has now, alas, become the tradition. ’ ‘Well, that’s fine, isn’t it?’ said Ridcully. ‘If we can make a tradition of not observing another tradition, then that’s doubly traditional, eh? What’s the problem?’ ‘It’s Archchancellor Preserved Bigger’s Bequest,’ said... |
It meant that if you dared to look up you would see, high above you, the dregs of society. Best, then, to stay down here in the warm gloom, with enough to eat and no inconvenient encounters and, Nutt added in his head, no beatings. No, the dippers were no problem. He did his best for them when he could. Life itself had... |
‘You lot don’t do anything nasty, do you?’ said Glenda, glaring at Nutt. But he recognized it as a kind of residual glare; she’d said her piece, and now it was just a bit of play-acting, to show she was the boss here. And bosses can afford to be generous, especially when you look a little fearful and suitably impressed... |
With his gaze still fixed on the Senior Wrangler he added, ‘Mister Stibbons, would you be so kind as to enlighten the rest of us: to what, in reality, does a “minimal cut in expenditure” equate?’ ‘The bequest is a trust,’ said Ponder, still scribbling. ‘We have the use of the significant income from the very wise inves... |
‘And since it is my pie I can decide what to do with it. ’ ‘Nah,’ said Trev, waving it away. ‘But there is a little errand you can do for me, me being a kind and understanding boss what lets you work all the hours you want. ’ ‘Yes, Mister Trev?’ said Nutt. ‘Glenda will come in around midday. To be honest, she hardly ev... |
That alone would have been enough to glue him into Nutt’s memory, but there had been that moment, one day when the diamond troll was seated at the big table with other trolls and dwarfs, when the diamond eyes had looked up and had seen Nutt, looking through a tiny, hidden spy-hole at the other end of the room. Nutt was... |
A moment’s thought reveals, of course, that this cannot be so. ’ ‘Oh, it is the same with magic,’ said the Archchancellor. ‘If you flash spells around like there’s no tomorrow, there’s a good chance that there won’t be. ’ ‘In short,’ Vetinari continued, still talking to the air, ‘I am intending to give my blessing to t... |
It’s a short walk from the palace to Unseen University; positions of power like to keep an eye on one another. Ridcully walked back through the crowds, occasionally nodding at people he knew, which, in this part of the city, was practically everyone. Trolls, he thought, we get along with trolls, now that they remember ... |
More important right now was what kind of truth he was going to have to impart to his colleagues, and he decided not on the whole truth, but instead on nothing but the truth, which dispensed with the need for honesty. ‘Well, go on, then, what did he say?’ ‘He responded to reasoned argument. ’ ‘He did? Where’s the catch... |
There were so many things to remember! ‘He says he will look after me,’ said Nutt, hanging his head. ‘Er, I was wondering who that nice young lady was who was in here last night,’ he added desperately, as transparent as air. ‘He asked you to ask me, right?’ Lie. Stay safe. But Ladyship wasn’t here! And the nice apple-p... |
‘Wow, there you are, Gobbo, a complete…fan. Your own mother wouldn’t recognize you!’ There was a pause before a voice emerged from inside the mound of ancient woollens, which looked very much like a nursery layette made by a couple of giants who weren’t sure what to expect. ‘I believe you are accurate. ’ ‘Yeah? Well, t... |
But now they were raising families and running businesses, moving on and up and buying things, and that made them people at last. And so you got other people like Mr Stronginthearm, a dwarf, selling beauty products to Miss and Mrs Troll, via ladies like Glenda, a human, because although dwarfs and trolls were officiall... |
Trev saw his knuckles whiten with effort while Nutt chattered. ‘The camaraderie of the sport must be a wonderful thing. ’ ‘Yeah, right,’ Andy grunted, finally managing to pull his hand away, his face full of angry puzzlement. ‘And this is my mate, Maxie,’ said Trev quickly, ‘and this is Carter the Farter—’ ‘It’s Fartme... |
‘But it spoke to me without—’ ‘We don’t talk about it, okay? Not that sort of thing. Look! They’re being pushed back. It’s opening up! Let’s shove!’ And Nutt was good at shoving…very good. Under his inexorable pressure people slid or gently spun out of the way, their hobnailed boots scraping on the stones as, short of ... |
’ ‘Why might they be upset?’ ‘Well, Mister Nutt, first, you are not supposed to score a goal when it is not your game, and anyway you are a watcher, not a player,’ said Glenda. ‘And second, a shot like that gets right up people’s noses. You could have killed someone!’ ‘No, Miss Glenda, I assure you I could not. I delib... |
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