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No ’arm in passin’ the time, eh?’ ‘The Dollies killed your ol’ man, Trev. Ain’t you got no shame?’ The rest of the Massive Posse was standing behind Andy, their expressions a mix of defiance and the realization that, once again, they were going to be dragged into something. They were out in the main streets now. The Wa...
Everyone called him Kipper, and his calm unspoken message that since we’re all in this together, why make it hard for one another often worked, but sooner or later you’d be handed over to a senior copper who manufactured hard, in a little room with another copper at the door. And this one had been working double shifts...
‘It’s sergeant to you, Likely! Here!’ Trev managed to catch the favour as it was skimmed across the room. ‘Thanks, sarge!’ ‘Get out!’ He got out, and was half expecting the shadowy shape that stepped up to him when he was clear of the building. There was a faint odour in the grey air. Well, at least it wasn’t Andy. He ...
‘Would you like a cup of tea, Mister Ottomy? And then you can tell us all about the game. ’ It has been said that crowds are stupid, but mostly they are simply confused, since as an eyewitness the average person is as reliable as a meringue lifejacket. It became obvious, as Ottomy went on, that nobody had any clear ide...
They were expensive at fivepence for the ride, but the seats in panniers round the carrier’s neck were much more comfy than the slats on the buses. Of course, it was posh, and curtains twitched and lips pursed. That was the strange thing about the street: if you were born there, people didn’t like it if you started not...
’ She sat down and watched the sleeping Nutt for a while as Trev tried to make sense of the previous evening. ‘What was in the sandwich again? The one the Igor gave him?’ ‘Tuna, spaghetti and jam. With sprinkles,’ said Trev, yawning. ‘Are you sure?’ ‘It’s not the kinda thing you forget. ’ ‘What kind of jam?’ Glenda ins...
‘I know the very thing!’ said Nutt, suddenly all action and plunging off down the passage. This left Glenda still holding a rigid Trev when Juliet appeared from the direction of the kitchens. She stopped instantly when she saw them, and burst into tears. ‘He’s dead, isn’t he?’ ‘Er, no—’ Glenda began. ‘I talked to some ...
He had also tried to discuss it with Ladyship, but she had laughed and said it was frivolity, although quite helpful as a tutorial on the use of vocabulary, scansion, rhythm and affect as a means to an end, to wit getting a young lady to take all her clothes off. At that particular point, Nutt had not really understood...
’ ‘You’ve done it?’ ‘Perhaps you would like to have a look, Mister Trev?’ He handed the paper to Trev and stood nervously by the chair as a pupil stands by the teacher. After a very short while Trev’s forehead wrinkled. ‘What’s ee-er?’ ‘That’s “e’er”, sir, as in “where e’er she walks”. ’ ‘You mean, like, she walks on a...
Once the girl in charge of the trolley had sponged everybody down, he continued: ‘The chanting, gentlemen, appears to be another inconsequentiality at first sight, but I have reason to believe that it has a certain power, and we will ignore it at our peril. I see the museum’s translators say the modern chants were orig...
Wizards are always wizards. Not a lot changes in here, does it? And then you talk about some Master of the Music to make a new chant, and that’s not how it goes. The Shove makes up the chants. They just happen. They just, like, come out of the air. And the pies are pretty awful, that’s true, but when you’re in the Shov...
Tell me nothing went wrong!’ ‘It was all fine,’ said Glenda. That got her a suspicious look. ‘Are you sure? You owe me for this!’ The laws of favours are amongst the most fundamental in the multiverse. The first law is: nobody asks for just one favour; the second request (after the granting of the first favour), prefac...
She indicated a bowl of small black things on the tray, each one pierced with a cocktail stick, and said slightly hopelessly, ‘And do try the rat fruit. ’ Before Glenda could stop her, Juliet had taken one and was chewing enthusiastically. ‘What part of a rat is its fruit?’ asked Glenda. The girl with the tray did not ...
Don’t spoil it!’ * Madame, who clearly had an instinct for this kind of thing, put an arm around her shoulders. ‘The problem with dwarf ladies, you see, is that a lot of us are a little shy about being the centre of attention. I also have to bear in mind that dwarf clothing is proving quite interesting to young humans ...
The sound of his next drawn breath was like the vengeance of the gods. His stomach expanded, his eyes became pinpoints, thunder rolled overhead and he roared, ‘WHY HAVEN’T YOU BOYS BROUGHT YOUR KIT?!’ St Elmo’s fire roared along the length of the whistle. The sky darkened and fear gripped every watching soul as time re...
‘That must cost a lot of money,’ she said to the nearest guard. He looked slightly embarrassed by the approach. ‘You’re telling me. Moonsilver, they call it. We’re even having to walk down the catwalk with her. They say it’s the coming thing, but I dunno. It won’t take an edge and it wouldn’t stop a decent blade. You n...
’ ‘What? I thought only nobby people drank that!’ ‘No, just people with money, love. Sometimes it’s the same thing. ’ She looked closer, and gasped. ‘What? Are you Pepe?’ ‘That’s me, love. ’ ‘But you’re not all…all…’ She waved her hands frantically. ‘Off duty, love. Don’t have to worry about…’ He waved his hands equall...
‘I have a feeling that Miss Glenda is just about to start thinking. There’s a powerful mind behind that rather sad cloak and those awful shoes. Today might be its lucky day. ’ Ridcully strode through the corridors of Unseen University with his robes flapping confidently behind him. He had a big stride and Ponder had to...
‘For free?’ ‘Of course, sir,’ said Ponder, looking surprised. ‘The free sharing of information is central to the pursuit of natural philosophy. ’ ‘And so you tell them things, do you?’ Ponder sighed. ‘Yes, of course. ’ ‘I don’t think I approve of that,’ said Ridcully. ‘I’m all for the free sharing of information, provi...
It’s a lot simpler than it looks, although the polyhedrons will need some work, but overall—’ A hand landed on Trev’s shoulder. ‘Well, now. Trev Likely,’ said Andy. ‘And his little pet, harder to kill than a cockroach, by all accounts. Something’s going on, ain’t it, Trev? And you’re going to tell me what it is. Here, ...
But a pie’s a pie, right? Solid! Besides, who’d look after Dad and the lads?’ No, no, no , screamed Glenda’s voice in her own head, not that! I didn’t want that. Oh, didn’t I? Then what did I think I was doing, passing on all that old toot? She looks to me, and I’ve gone and given her a good example! Why? Because I wan...
Someone’s going to think about that, she thought. There was no sound from the Stollops’ house. She wasn’t surprised. Juliet did not have much grasp of the idea of punctuality. Glenda popped next door to see how the widow Crowdy was and then headed, in the drizzling rain, back to her safe haven of the Night Kitchen. Hal...
In the gloom he groped for it, found it, tested it for true emptiness, because you never knew your luck, and, as it were, filled it again, putting it down on what was probably a table, but in his mind and the darkness could just as well have been an armadillo. There was another sound syncopating with Madame’s virtuoso ...
I feel I have been rather misjudging him. ’ ‘Possibly even small leopards can change their shorts,’ said Ridcully, slamming him on the back convivially. ‘Call it score one for human nature. Now, which of these balls is the one that’s going back to the Cabinet?’ ‘Amazingly, sir, they did think to mark the new ball and t...
I say! Well done, that man!’ This was because, in the absence of Ridcully’s attention, the footballers had at last started their own kick-about and some quite fancy footwork was emerging. ‘Yes, what?’ A bledlow had appeared alongside Ridcully. ‘Gentleman to see the Archchancellor, sir. He’s a wizard, sir. The, er, the ...
‘Just wondering what you want me to do, Archchancellor?’ ‘Do? Keep ’em playing! See who’s good at it! Work out what the most beautiful rules are,’ Ridcully called out, heading out of the Hall at speed. ‘By myself?’ said Ponder, horrified. ‘I’ve got a huge workload!’ ‘Delegate!’ ‘You know I’m hopeless at delegating, sir...
Who’s in this from UU?’ ‘Ah. Well, I have to admit that the Assembly and people of Pseudopolis are rather…patriotic in their outlook—’ ‘I think the word is “parochial”, don’t you?’ ‘Harsh words, considering that Ankh-Morpork’s the smuggest, most self-satisfied city in the world. ’ This was self-evidently true, so Ridcu...
Wonderful people if you don’t watch them eat, but quite good conversationalists if you give them enough beer. ’ ‘Funnily enough, I find that works with wizards too. Well, I must accept, of course. I haven’t been to a banquet in ages. ’ ‘You haven’t?’ said Ridcully. ‘I thought you would have a banquet every night. ’ ‘We...
Occasionally a novice wizard working in a small town might find it a good idea to hurry back for a swift refresher course in the safety of the university’s hospitable stones until his little mistake had been rectified/forgotten/erased/caught and bottled. There had always been others given sanctuary for mysterious reaso...
It had started in Shatta and lasted all day yesterday and there was still some left today. ‘I don’t care,’ she said. Juliet giggled and looked around in case Mrs Whitlow was hiding near the bus stop. And I really don’t care, Glenda thought. I don’t care. It was like drawing a sword. Ponder’s office always puzzled Mustr...
‘Well then,’ said the Master, holding his baton in a rather threatening manner, ‘is it not the duty of the educated classes to raise the standards of the lower orders?’ ‘He’s got a point there, Mustrum,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, and Ridcully felt his grandfather kick him in the heredity, and was glad that ...
’ ‘There you are, then,’ said Glenda. ‘I suggest you leave it to Mister Nutt. ’ Smeems looked at her, and she could see there was, as it were, an invisible mallet in his thinking, a feeling that he might get into some trouble here. ‘I should run along now,’ she said. ‘I can’t stand around. I’m a man with responsibiliti...
She read it in horror. ‘That’s not the stuff they like!’ ‘Oh dear, Glenda,’ Robert smirked. ‘Are you saying it’s too good for them?’ ‘You’re giving them Avec. Nearly every dish has got Avec in it, but stuff with Avec in the name is an acquired taste. I mean, do these look to you like people who habitually eat in a fore...
‘You needn’t look surprised. ’ ‘I don’t intend to. I am surprised,’ said Vetinari, ‘but please credit me with not looking surprised unless, of course, there is some advantage in doing so. ’ ‘We are going to have to do something. The expedition found a nest of the damn things!’ ‘Yes. Children, which they killed,’ said V...
She leaned down until her face was an inch away from his. ‘Mr Stollop. I wonder if that’s what Lord Vetinari is expecting you all to do. ’ His face went white. She nodded. ‘Just a word to the wise,’ she said. And words spread fast. As Glenda walked on she was gratified to hear behind her, spreading along the tables, mo...
‘And on that note I am decreeing a new code, based on the hallowed and traditional rules of football so recently rediscovered, but including many familiar ones of more recent usage. The office of referee is there to ensure obedience to the rules. There must be rules, my friends. There must be. There is no game without ...
I would like them to put him to bed and see that no trouble comes to him. Perhaps they ought to stay with him until morning too, because he just might try to commit suicide when he wakes up. ’ ‘New Dawn For Football’ said the Times when Glenda picked it up the next morning. As was its wont when it was reporting somethi...
This was just as well, because when the man at the desk looked up she sat down abruptly. Vetinari pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. ‘Miss…Sugarbean, there are whole rooms in this palace full of people who want to see me, and they are powerful and important people, or at least they think they are. Yet Mister Dr...
That’s a Sugarbean woman for you, Drumknott, little domestic slaves until they think someone has been wronged and then they go to war like Queen Ynci of Lancre, with chariot wheels spinning and arms and legs all over the place. ’ ‘And no father,’ observed Drumknott. ‘Not very good for a child in those days. ’ ‘Only ser...
‘Got anything to drink?’ said Pepe behind her. ‘Water!’ snapped Glenda. ‘I’ll drink water when fish climb out of it to take a piss, but thank you all the same,’ said Pepe. And then Glenda caught the smell of baking coming from the Night Kitchen. She was the only one who baked in her kitchen! No one else was supposed to...
’ That must mean he’s planning something, Glenda’s inner self provided. She said, ‘Well, it’s up to you. I can’t help here, but remember, you’ve always got your knee. ’ ‘And what about…?’ Juliet began. ‘Look,’ said Glenda firmly, ‘either you go off now and see the world and earn lots of money and get your picture in th...
’ ‘Is there anyone who can cure that kind of sickness?’ Nutt didn’t answer for a while and then said, ‘Yes. You must find me a philosopher trained in Uberwald. They will help the thoughts come straight. ’ ‘Isn’t that what you did for Trev?’ said Glenda. ‘You told him what he was thinking about his dad and everything, a...
’ ‘And did you open ze cupboard, Mister Nutt?’ A much longer pause this time. ‘I promised Ladyship that I would not open the cupboard. ’ ‘Did you learn many things in ze castle, Mister Nutt?’ ‘Many things. ’ ‘Did you learn how to make ze lockpicks, Mister Nutt?’ ‘Yes. ’ ‘Where is ze door now, Mister Nutt?’ ‘It is in fr...
If this ends up with no more than sniggering and grinning then we’ll all be happy, Glenda thought. Hard to live down afterwards, but still good. ‘But what’s that bloke chained to that bed for?’ said the bledlow. ‘Yeah, what kind of improper suggestions go on around here?’ said the baker. He really was having fun. I am ...
You wrote her a lovely poem, didn’t you? Ever heard of Emberella? Everyone’s heard of Emberella. Well, you might not be my first choice for Prince Charming, but there’s probably plenty worse. ’ ‘What the hell are you talkin’ about?’ said Trev. ‘Juliet’s going to be leaving soon, isn’t that right, Jools?’ Juliet’s face ...
In the middle of the floor that was revealed stood a hideous figure. Its horrifying countenance had less than the effect it might have done, because from it dangled a quite readable label that said ‘Boffo Novelty and Joke Emporium. Improved Necromancer’s Mask. Sale Price AM$3’. This was removed to reveal the more salub...
’ Glenda blinked, trying to slice slightly less than three seconds out of her memory. ‘And that’s true, is it?’ But it had to be true. There was something about the way the image was sticking to the back of her brain that declared the truth of it. ‘I want to see it again. ’ ‘You what?!’ said Hix. ‘There’s more to it,’ ...
This wasn’t the first time the thought had crossed her mind. She was quite glad about it. For now, she selected a really thick pair of gloves from a drawer, put her old coat on again, reached into the cauldron and picked up the crab. It snapped at her. She knew it would. Never, ever expect gratitude from those you help...
’ ‘So everyone who’s gonna be riding is on the coach. ’ Glenda glanced past the driver. The passenger behind him was very meticulously peeling a hardboiled egg. ‘Could be,’ said the driver. ‘Then why not leave right now,’ said Trev, ‘and go faster? It’s very important. ’ ‘Late-night,’ said the driver. ‘That’s what I sa...
He tore it open frantically and started to pull things out of it. They were candles. Knocking them over in his haste, picking them up in shaking fingers only to knock them over again, he finally had them upright on the flints of the road. He pulled matches out of another pocket, knelt down and once again got his shakin...
‘And if you’re not there, I’ll go withoutcha,’ he said. ‘You’ve got to catch the bus at bus-catching time. ’ ‘Well, this hasn’t been so bad, has it?’ said Glenda, as the lights of the city grew bigger. ‘My dad’s going to fret,’ said Juliet. ‘He’ll think you’re with me. ’ Trev said nothing. By the rules of the street, b...
’ ‘She’s immensely strong, I’m led to believe,’ said the woman. ‘That doesn’t give her the right,’ said Glenda. ‘And shall I tell you something? Mister Nutt is right here. Oh yes, out in the yard, shoeing one of the horses for the Lancre Flyer. He really is amazing. ’ ‘It sounds like it,’ said the woman with a faint li...
It has to be said that they were not the gentle tears they would have been from Mary the housemaid, but the really big long-drawn-out blobby ones you get from someone who very rarely cries. They were gummy, with a hint of snot in there as well. But they were real. Mary the housemaid would just not have been able to mat...
’ ‘Cool! Have you ever twisted someone’s head off?’ ‘I don’t believe so. I am sure I would have remembered,’ said Nutt. This got if not applause then a certain amount of approval from some of the bystanders. It’s his voice, thought Glenda. He sounds posher than a wizard. You can’t imagine a voice like that with its han...
He extended a hand and blew her a kiss as he went through the door. ‘Did you see that?’ said Juliet. ‘He blew me. ’ Glenda looked at Pepe, whose eyes were turned up so far in his head that she could see the whites–although they were red. A short while later, when most of the UU squad headed for the Hippo with Glenda an...
’ Trev said, ‘Andy?’ and looked at the livid, oozing scar again. Yep, that looked like Andy being unhappy. It was hard to feel sorry for someone as basically unlikeable as Carter, but just because he had been born with Kick Me Up The Arse tattooed on to his soul was no reason for doing it. Not to Carter. That was like ...
People were putting up tiers of wooden stands on one side of the arena, and because this was Ankh-Morpork, when two or more people gathered together thousands turned up just to wonder why. And there was Mr Ponder Stibbons, sitting at a long table with some of the football captains. Oh, yes, the Rules Committee. There h...
And there we have the existential puzzle that confronts the striker, for he is both striker and struck. As the ball flies, all possibilities are inexorably linked, as Herr Frugal said in Das Nichts des Wissens , “Ich kann mich nicht genau erinnern, aber es war so etwas wie eine Vanillehaltige süsse Nachspeisenbeigabe,”...
’ ‘How many orcs are there?’ ‘Nobody knows. Perhaps Nutt will be able to find them. ’ ‘We must not have genocide,’ said Vetinari. ‘History has a way of repaying. ’ ‘He is turning out to be quite a surprise. ’ ‘So I understand. From the reports I have been receiving, all that the orcs were not, he is. ’ ‘But he will rem...
‘Also, his instruction here…’ He looked closer at Nutt’s rather untidy writing and gave a little smile. ‘There is to be no sexual congress. ’ This did not meet with the reaction he had expected. ‘That means talking about it, doesn’t it?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘No, that’s oral sex,’ said Rincewind. ‘No, ...
Somehow, Pepe looked like a small demon by the light of the forge. ‘Ooh, look at Mister Bashful!’ said Pepe. ‘Just pull a pair on over your trousers for now and I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll even turn my back while you’re doing that. ’ He looked away, fiddling with the tools beside the anvil. ‘Got ’em on?’ he said, ...
‘I’ve been grafting like mad this last month on getting the KV Accord sorted out and it turns out that just when the dwarfs and the trolls are shaking hands and being jolly good pals, you lot are starting another KV of your very own. ’ ‘Oh, come now, Sam,’ said Ridcully. ‘It’s only a jolly day out. ’ ‘People are queuei...
‘Gentlemen? Team players to their places,’ said the Archchancellor of Brazeneck, haughtily. ‘Er, can I have a word with you, sir?’ said Trev, sidling up as quickly as possible. ‘Ah, yes. Dave Likely’s boy,’ said the former Dean. ‘We are about to play football, Mister Likely, I’m sure you’ve noticed. ’ ‘Yes, sir, well, ...
’ ‘And listen to the crowd roar!’ said the editor. ‘And write it down. ’ ‘Yes, sir, that would be: One Professor Macarona D. Thau (Bug), D. Maus (Chubb), Magistaludorum (QIS), Octavium (Hons), PHGK (Blit), DMSK, Mack, D. Thau (Bra), Visiting Professor in Chickens (Jahn the Conqueror University (Floor 2, Shrimp Packers ...
Andy’s boots looked heavy enough to moor a boat. ‘They got ’im like the meat in a sandwich, sir,’ Trev complained to the referee. ‘Can you substantiate that, young man?’ ‘Well, you can see what’s happened to the poor bugger. ’ ‘Yes, but do you have any evidence of collusion?’ Trev went blank and Nutt supplied in a whis...
’ Up in his ramshackle box, the editor of the Times picked up his notebook and said, ‘I’m going down there. It’s ridiculous to sit up here like this. ’ ‘You’re going on the pitch, sir?’ ‘Yes. At least that way I can see what’s happening. ’ ‘I don’t think the referee will allow that, sir!’ ‘You’re not going to play, Tre...
Crying and screaming and loving and hating all down the generations and you can’t tame it and you can’t stop it. Just for you, young lady, and for the soul of Mister Trev, I’m going to throw it a bone. Won’t take a mo’. ’ His slim and slightly spidery form disappeared back up the steps just as the whistle blew. Glenda ...
‘Gentlemen, I’m not quite sure what we are doing here, but I am quite certain that it’s not exactly football and I look forward to the inquiry later on. In the meantime, before anyone else is injured and especially before the crowd start to tear this place apart and eat one another, I will tell you that the next goal s...
Had Hoggett been standing very close when they had been talking? And had he just said ‘Go for it?’ It sounded very much like it. He kicked the ball straight towards the cheerleaders, where Glenda snatched it out of the air and pushed it into the folds of Mrs Whitlow’s skirt. ‘You haven’t seen this, ladies, you haven’t ...
’ Andy was rising slowly, elevating himself to the vertical almost by willpower alone. Pepe grinned, and somehow it seemed obvious to Trev that anyone who was going to get up and try any threats with Pepe grinning at him was more than suicidal. ‘Got a knife, have you, you little squirt?’ said Andy. ‘No, Andy,’ said Nut...
However… Glenda and Nutt had also wanted to find a place a little out of the way and, if possible, dark. Fortuitously she had pulled out of her pocket a pair of tickets, placed there by Dr Hix in his attempt to spread darkness and despondency throughout the world by the means of amateur dramatics, to the Dolly Sisters ...
‘Stand them down?’ said Margolotta. ‘Stand them down,’ said Vetinari again, directly to Drumknott. He extended his arm to her ladyship. ‘I think the term is, as they put it, alea iacta est. The die, your ladyship, is cast, and we should both see how it falls. ’ ‘Will you get into trouble for that?’ said Glenda, staying...
‘Well, I’m sure that Professor Turnipseed will be able to bring things back under control,’ said Ponder. The tone of his voice was entirely unchanged. There was a busy little silence and Ridcully said, ‘How long do you think we should give him to get it under control?’ ‘What size are the eggs?’ ‘Eight or nine feet high...
No traditional wizard worth his pointy hat could possibly work by the light of pure, smooth, dare one say virgin undribbled candles. It would just not look right. The ambience would be totally shattered. And when it did happen, the luckless wizard would mess about, as people do, with matchsticks and bent paperclips, to...
” “Some of those towns looked pretty poor, Maurice,” said the kid doubtfully. “Hey, just the kind of places that don't need wars, then. ” “Dangerous Beans says it's…” The boy concentrated, and his lips moved before he said the word, as if he was trying out the pronunciation to himself, “… It's un-eth-ickle. ” “That's r...
And then there had been the rats, who lived under the rubbish heap in one corner of his territory. He'd realized there was something educated about the rats when he jumped on one and it'd said, “Can we talk about this?”, and part of his amazing new brain had told him you couldn't eat someone who could talk. At least, n...
Sometimes he wondered what the stupid-looking kid wanted. Nothing, as far as Maurice could tell, but to be allowed to play his flute and be left alone. But… well, it was like that thing with the coconuts. Every so often the kid would come out with something that suggested he'd been listening all along. People like that...
” “OK,” said the kid. The money, shiny like the sun and shiny like the moon, was solemnly put back in its bag. The rats dragged the bag under the bushes and buried it. No-one could bury money like rats, and it didn't pay to take too much into towns. Then there was the horse. It was a valuable horse, and Maurice was ver...
“Whoops, here comes some more government,” he said. “And we know what these are, don't we… ?” The kid did. They were rat-catchers, two of them. Even here, they wore the long dusty coats and battered black top hats of their profession. They each carried a pole over one shoulder, from which dangled a variety of traps. Fr...
She marched across the street and confronted the kid. “You're new, aren't you? Come here looking for work, have you? Probably sacked from your last job, I expect. Probably because you fell asleep, and things got spoiled. That was probably what it was. Or you ran away because your master beat you with a big stick, altho...
“Very nice,” said Darktan, as the last few shuffled into position. “Right! This is tricky territory, troops, so we're going to be careful…” Darktan was unusual among the rats because he wore things. When the rats had discovered books—and the whole idea of books was still a difficult one for most of the older ones—they ...
“How can a rat not be good at that? ” said Darktan. “It's just so… so… so embarrassing, sir,” said Nourishing. Darktan sighed to himself. All this new thinking was producing some strange things. He personally approved of the idea of the Right Place, but some of the ideas the kids were coming up with were… odd. “All rig...
Like most of the old rats he always stuck close to walls, and kept away from open spaces and too much light. He seemed to be shaking. “Are you all right?” she said. The shaking stopped. “Fine, fine, nothing wrong with me!” snapped Hamnpork. “Just a few twinges, nothing permanent!” “Only I noticed you didn't go out with...
I've been earning my own living since I was six. ” “Aha! Mysterious orphan, strange talent, distressed upbringing… it's all shaping up,” said Malicia. “The strawberry yoghurt is probably not important. Would your life have been different if it had been banana-flavoured? Who can say? What kinds of music do you play?” “K...
He was quite plump for a rat, but when his feet were dancing he could float across the floor like a balloon. There was the sound of a tapping foot. Malicia, with arms folded and an expression like a thunderstorm, looked at Sardines, and then at Maurice, and then at the stupid-looking Keith, and then at the wreckage on ...
“Careful, sir,” said one of the younger rats who crowded the tunnel behind the Trap Disposal Squad. Darktan grunted, and looked down at the teeth, an inch away from his nose. He pulled a short piece of wood out of one of his belts; a tiny sliver of mirror had been glued to one end of it. “You lot move the candle this w...
“It's not someone! ” he hissed. “It's not someone unless it can talk! Otherwise it's just food!” “It is a secret knock!” Malicia snapped. “I know about these things! And you're supposed to give the secret knock in return!” “But if it's just someone knocking on the door in, you know, general high spirits, and we knock b...
“But Fresh, well, he's not a… he never was a good listener. And he was keen to get on with it, sir. ” Darktan examined the trap, and tried to keep his face fixed in an expression of confident purpose. It was hard to do it, though. He'd never seen a trap like it. It looked a really nasty one, a squeezer rather than a ch...
There was a sound as of lumps of metal and bottles being moved around. “What have you got in there?” asked Maurice. “Everything?” “The grapnel and rope ladder take up a lot of the room,” said Malicia, still feeling around. “And then there's the big medicine kit, and the small medicine kit, and the knife, and the other ...
“I'm not afraid of danger!” he roared. “Of course not. That is why you should go. She was terrified,” said Dangerous Beans. “I've never been scared of anything! ” shouted Hamnpork. Now Dangerous Beans turned to face him. In the candlelight there was a glow in the pink eyes. Hamnpork was not a rat who spent a lot of tim...
Then a gear wheel rolled slowly back down the tunnel and fell over in front of Hamnpork. “I thought the soil looked a bit disturbed there,” said Darktan in a satisfied voice. He turned around. “OK, lads! Break out the other Mr Clicky, and I want half a dozen of you with a rope to dig out that trap and drag it out of th...
I—” “I don't talk all the time!” Maurice let them argue and stalked away into the corner of the cellar. Or cellars. They seemed to go on a long way. He saw something streak across the floor in the shadows, and leapt before he could think. His stomach remembered that it had been a long time since the mouse, and it conne...
The rat-catchers weren't unamazed, either. On the floor, Darktan gave up trying to get Hamnpork to move. He drew his sword, looked up at the humans, hesitated, and then ran for the drain. Yes, let them sort it out. They're all human, Maurice thought. They've got big brains, they can talk, it should be no problem at all...
” Rat-catcher 1 grinned. “I don't like leaving those kids here, though. ” “It's ‘them kids’, not ‘those kids’. Get it right. How many times have I told you? Rule 27 of the Guild: sound stupid. People get suspicious of rat-catchers that talk too good. ” “Sorry. ” “Talk thick, be clever. That's the way to do it,” said Ra...
There was more bewildered sniffing and then, in the dark, the sound of the rats paddling through the mud. Maurice wrinkled his mud-caked forehead in amazement. Rats who couldn't smell a cat? And then he realized. He didn't smell of cat—he stank of mud, he felt like mud, in a room full of stinking mud. He sat, still as ...
“Fell in a broken drain, sir,” said Nourishing. “Good to see you, anyway. What's happening, Sardines?” The dancing rat did a few nervous steps. “I've been climbing up more drainpipes and along more washing lines than is good for me,” he said. “And don't ask me about krrkk cats, boss, I'd like to see every last one of '...
“So,” said the voice of Malicia, “let's go over it again, shall we? You don't have a knife of any kind?” “That's right,” said Keith. “Or some handy matches that could burn through the rope?” “No. ” “And no sharp edge near you that you could rub the rope on?” “No. ” “And you can't sort of pull your legs through your arm...
Nourishing realized that they were right over the pit; if she fell now, she'd land in the middle of it. Men were crowded around it. Dogs were tied up around the walls, barking at one another and at the universe in general in the mad, I'm-going-to-do-this-for-ever way of all dogs. And off to one side was a stack of boxe...
Jacko was not a bad dog, according to the way of dogs. He was a terrier and liked killing rats in any case, and killing lots of rats in the pit meant that he got well fed and called a good boy and wasn't kicked very often. Some rats did fight back and that wasn't much of a problem, because they were smaller than Jacko ...
“Oh? And what are we going to do, then?” said Malicia. “We're going to talk to the rat-catchers when they come back,” said Keith. He had a thoughtful look. “And what makes you think they'll want to talk to us?” “Because if they don't talk to us,” said Keith, “they're going to die. ” It was twenty minutes later that the...

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