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I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) ""I need an hour before we can go back to this."" Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!", | "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. | "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. | "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.\'a0Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. | "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.\'a0Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, ""That makes sense"" or ""I hear you"" or ""I get that.""3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:\'a0 | "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.\'a0What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!\'a0 If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second\'a0Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.\'a0Other favorites of mine are:\'93Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Hold Me Tight\'94 by Dr. Sue Johnson\'93Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again\'94 by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.\'93The Five Love Languages\'94 by Gary Chapman\'93The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency \'96 the Other Side of Co-Dependency\'94 by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your\'a0partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?\'a0 If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)", | "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.\'a0What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) ""I need an hour before we can go back to this."" Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!", | "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.\'a0What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.\'a0What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!", | "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.\'a0What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!", | "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.\'a0Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.\'a0What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!", | "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.\'a0Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, ""That makes sense"" or ""I hear you"" or ""I get that.""3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:\'a0 | "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!\'a0 If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second\'a0Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.\'a0Other favorites of mine are:\'93Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Hold Me Tight\'94 by Dr. Sue Johnson\'93Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again\'94 by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.\'93The Five Love Languages\'94 by Gary Chapman\'93The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency \'96 the Other Side of Co-Dependency\'94 by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your\'a0partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?\'a0 If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) ""I need an hour before we can go back to this."" Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!", | "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, ""That makes sense"" or ""I hear you"" or ""I get that.""3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:\'a0 |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, ""That makes sense"" or ""I hear you"" or ""I get that.""3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:\'a0 | "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, ""That makes sense"" or ""I hear you"" or ""I get that.""3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:\'a0 | "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.\'a0Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, ""That makes sense"" or ""I hear you"" or ""I get that.""3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:\'a0 | "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.\'a0Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) ""I need an hour before we can go back to this."" Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!", | "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!\'a0 If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second\'a0Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.\'a0Other favorites of mine are:\'93Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Hold Me Tight\'94 by Dr. Sue Johnson\'93Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again\'94 by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.\'93The Five Love Languages\'94 by Gary Chapman\'93The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency \'96 the Other Side of Co-Dependency\'94 by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your\'a0partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?\'a0 If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!\'a0 If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second\'a0Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.\'a0Other favorites of mine are:\'93Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Hold Me Tight\'94 by Dr. Sue Johnson\'93Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again\'94 by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.\'93The Five Love Languages\'94 by Gary Chapman\'93The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency \'96 the Other Side of Co-Dependency\'94 by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your\'a0partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?\'a0 If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)", | "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!\'a0 If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second\'a0Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.\'a0Other favorites of mine are:\'93Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Hold Me Tight\'94 by Dr. Sue Johnson\'93Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again\'94 by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.\'93The Five Love Languages\'94 by Gary Chapman\'93The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency \'96 the Other Side of Co-Dependency\'94 by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your\'a0partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?\'a0 If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)", | "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.\'a0Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!\'a0 If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second\'a0Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.\'a0Other favorites of mine are:\'93Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Hold Me Tight\'94 by Dr. Sue Johnson\'93Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again\'94 by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.\'93The Five Love Languages\'94 by Gary Chapman\'93The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency \'96 the Other Side of Co-Dependency\'94 by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your\'a0partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?\'a0 If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)", | "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.\'a0Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) ""I need an hour before we can go back to this."" Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!", | "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) ""I need an hour before we can go back to this."" Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!", | "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.\'a0Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) ""I need an hour before we can go back to this."" Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!", | "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.\'a0Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.\'a0Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!", | "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.\'a0Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!", | "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.\'a0Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!", | "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.\'a0Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!", |
"I have the perfect guy but I'm not attracted to him""I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the ""perfect guy""? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?" | "Hi Montgomery,\'a0Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say ""Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me"". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question ""Are we physically attracted to each other?"". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough.", | "The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without. \'a0And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner? \'a0\'a0Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself. \'a0He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you. \'a0Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are. \'a0On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you. \'a0He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist.", |
How do I fix my relationship?My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship. | "I would first suggest you sitting down with him and voicing your concerns about how distant he has been, or more importantly you have felt that he is. \'a0This will give clarification to the situation as we need to remember that everyone's perception can be different. Remember that relationships take work and take communication.", | "I'm sorry you have tension between you and your bf.A relationship means two people who relate, right?! \'a0 If only one person does all the work to change their approach, what they expect, what they offer the other, then this becomes the new problem to solve.If you've already done a significant amount of reflection and change in the way you relate to him, then the next step may be to be patient as long as possible while he decides what to change about his part in the relationship toward you.Substance abuse recovery requires profound effort and reflection. \'a0If it is successful then the result will show very different qualities in your bf than the ones you know currently.He may be so absorbed in the recovery that he can only concentrate on this. \'a0\'a0Of course if the fights persist and you have been patient for what feels too long, then there are different questions to address.", |
I just feel so alone"I feel so alone. I have so many people around me but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?" | "Although we can have moments when we feel alone, even with the presence of family and friends, feeling alone most of the time could be a sign that there is a lack of connection between you and your loved ones. Generally, the lack of connection can occur when you don't feel heard, understood or valued. These are common emotional needs that result in a good and secure emotional connection that reduces feelings of loneliness.\'a0You mentioned that ""they listen but don't understand."" Do you communication clearly about what you need emotionally (understood, accepted, valued, heard, empathized)? To help you ask for the right type of support, you can ask yourself what it is about the situation that is bothering you and how you would wish for your friends and family to respond to you. The result may be an answer that is more informative to your loved ones. For example, you might say, ""Thank you for listening to me. When I feel alone, I feel like nobody cares about me because everybody seems busy with their lives. I just wanted to hear and feel that I'm valued by receiving caring messages and phone calls.""\'a0Dr. Virginia Chowwww.psychologyresource.ca", | "Hello there.\'a0 Thank you for sharing your heart here.\'a0 I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often.\'a0 Many feel alone with one another quite frequently.\'a0 THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person.\'a0 In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me.\'a0 Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people ""listen"" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its when\'a0you follow up by inquiring and listening to others that\'a0you \'a0may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do.\'a0And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected.\'a0 Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance.\'a0 Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too.\'a0Or in other words, not bein\'a0'ok' with\'a0myself makes it difficult being with others. \'a0Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person?\'a0\'a0 These are just some thoughts to consider.\'a0 Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things...\'a0 we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely.Kindly-keith hughes M.A.\'a0 keithcounseling.com", |
I just feel so alone"I feel so alone. I have so many people around me but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?" | "You ask a very deep and sensitive question which reflects good self-awareness.It is possible you are a more sensitive and aware person than the people whom you describe as listening and not really hearing you.Not everyone has the same capacity or willingness to pay careful attention to what is going on in life.Maybe for right now, until you are able to find in person friends whom you're able to feel hear you the way you'd like to be heard, find online forums and groups of likeminded people.If you google a topic which you wish your friends would be better at understanding, there will be scores of groups, including google groups, which come up.You're not alone in the sense that there are definitely people on this earth who are sensitive, caring, and willing to talk and understand others.", | "Hello there.\'a0 Thank you for sharing your heart here.\'a0 I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often.\'a0 Many feel alone with one another quite frequently.\'a0 THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person.\'a0 In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me.\'a0 Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people ""listen"" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its when\'a0you follow up by inquiring and listening to others that\'a0you \'a0may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do.\'a0And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected.\'a0 Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance.\'a0 Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too.\'a0Or in other words, not bein\'a0'ok' with\'a0myself makes it difficult being with others. \'a0Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person?\'a0\'a0 These are just some thoughts to consider.\'a0 Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things...\'a0 we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely.Kindly-keith hughes M.A.\'a0 keithcounseling.com", |
I just feel so alone"I feel so alone. I have so many people around me but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?" | "You ask a very deep and sensitive question which reflects good self-awareness.It is possible you are a more sensitive and aware person than the people whom you describe as listening and not really hearing you.Not everyone has the same capacity or willingness to pay careful attention to what is going on in life.Maybe for right now, until you are able to find in person friends whom you're able to feel hear you the way you'd like to be heard, find online forums and groups of likeminded people.If you google a topic which you wish your friends would be better at understanding, there will be scores of groups, including google groups, which come up.You're not alone in the sense that there are definitely people on this earth who are sensitive, caring, and willing to talk and understand others.", | "Although we can have moments when we feel alone, even with the presence of family and friends, feeling alone most of the time could be a sign that there is a lack of connection between you and your loved ones. Generally, the lack of connection can occur when you don't feel heard, understood or valued. These are common emotional needs that result in a good and secure emotional connection that reduces feelings of loneliness.\'a0You mentioned that ""they listen but don't understand."" Do you communication clearly about what you need emotionally (understood, accepted, valued, heard, empathized)? To help you ask for the right type of support, you can ask yourself what it is about the situation that is bothering you and how you would wish for your friends and family to respond to you. The result may be an answer that is more informative to your loved ones. For example, you might say, ""Thank you for listening to me. When I feel alone, I feel like nobody cares about me because everybody seems busy with their lives. I just wanted to hear and feel that I'm valued by receiving caring messages and phone calls.""\'a0Dr. Virginia Chowwww.psychologyresource.ca", |
Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating?"We\'ve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesn\'t love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate." | "Communication involves a listener and a speaker.\'a0 Both have to be willing to do their part to make communication work.\'a0 This is something that takes both and not just one.\'a0 Without both, communication is impossible.\'a0\'a0 Staying together and the kids observing unhealthy communication is already broken.\'a0 Seek help to improve communication. \'a0\'a0 Couples' counseling would be helpful.", | "Try having a conversation with your boyfriend about your views and wishes for the relationship, when the two of you are having a calm time. \'a0A few questions I'd like to ask him is why he says he doesn't love you when the topic at hand is about a specific practical matter.I'd also like to know what he hopes will happen from dwelling on a matter.And, why are you swallowing your pride? \'a0Sooner or later this will come up on you in much bigger ways. \'a0Instead, try to know your own wishes that you are either not stating or are being ignored by your boyfriend.The best way to resolve accumulated tensions is to slowly open the discussion between the two people.It is possible to stay together forever. \'a0What you each need to realize, is the terms under which this would most likely take place.Sending lots of luck!", |
Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating?"We\'ve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesn\'t love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate." | "Communication involves a listener and a speaker.\'a0 Both have to be willing to do their part to make communication work.\'a0 This is something that takes both and not just one.\'a0 Without both, communication is impossible.\'a0\'a0 Staying together and the kids observing unhealthy communication is already broken.\'a0 Seek help to improve communication. \'a0\'a0 Couples' counseling would be helpful.", | "You can't fix this by yourself, but I applaud you for trying. One person working hard in a relationship can make things better for a while., but in the long haul you need two people giving some effort. I'm reading between your lines here and I wonder if your need to keep the family together is getting you to apologize when you've done nothing wrong and ignore things you've felt hurt by. I sense that you're doing all the work...that it's not balanced.\'a0I have worked with many couples and I've learned never to underestimate what kind of change is possible; anything is possible. But in order for change in a couple to occur, you need two people who are both willing to own their choices and behaviours, and who have empathy. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to have these components; he pushes you away and blames you when he's done something hurtful.Can you be honest with yourself about what's happening? I encourage you to sit down with a trusted friend or therapist and look at what you have here and what your options are. I wish you well.", |
Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating?"We\'ve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesn\'t love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate." | "Try having a conversation with your boyfriend about your views and wishes for the relationship, when the two of you are having a calm time. \'a0A few questions I'd like to ask him is why he says he doesn't love you when the topic at hand is about a specific practical matter.I'd also like to know what he hopes will happen from dwelling on a matter.And, why are you swallowing your pride? \'a0Sooner or later this will come up on you in much bigger ways. \'a0Instead, try to know your own wishes that you are either not stating or are being ignored by your boyfriend.The best way to resolve accumulated tensions is to slowly open the discussion between the two people.It is possible to stay together forever. \'a0What you each need to realize, is the terms under which this would most likely take place.Sending lots of luck!", | "You can't fix this by yourself, but I applaud you for trying. One person working hard in a relationship can make things better for a while., but in the long haul you need two people giving some effort. I'm reading between your lines here and I wonder if your need to keep the family together is getting you to apologize when you've done nothing wrong and ignore things you've felt hurt by. I sense that you're doing all the work...that it's not balanced.\'a0I have worked with many couples and I've learned never to underestimate what kind of change is possible; anything is possible. But in order for change in a couple to occur, you need two people who are both willing to own their choices and behaviours, and who have empathy. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to have these components; he pushes you away and blames you when he's done something hurtful.Can you be honest with yourself about what's happening? I encourage you to sit down with a trusted friend or therapist and look at what you have here and what your options are. I wish you well.", |
How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. | "I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills.", | "The best way to get an answer is to just ask. I would defintely\'a0let him know you are asking out of concern and not to judge or criticize. Allow him to explain his answer and see how you feel about it. Try to ask him when you both are already discussing other topics and just say, ""Can I ask you something?""\'a0Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com", |
How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. | "I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills.", | "Just ask him.I'm not sure how you saw his phone if you're in a long distance relationship, because long distance means you live far apart from each other and don't get to see each other in person. Therefore, I think we may have a different understanding of the definition of ""long distance relationship"" which makes it hard for me to adequately answer this question for you.I don't know how old you are, but if you're an adult, after two and a half years, I don't think it's unreasonable to have an open and honest talk with each other about where the relationship is going and what you both want and expect. Long distance relationships are difficult to keep alive because you don't ever see each other in person. Talking, texting, and video chatting isn't enough, and the longer the physical distance remains, the more difficult it becomes to keep an emotional closeness. It may be time to evaluate the situation, figure out when (if ever) the two of you will be able to be together in person, and if you can and want to wait that long. Do you both want the same things out of life? If one of you wants to take the relationship to the next level but the other doesn't, then it doesn't matter if it's long distance or not - if you aren't on the same page with the relationship, it is going to be difficult to make it work.Trust is important. Issues with trust, insecurity, jealousy, lying and/or hiding things from each other, being afraid to speak up and have an honest conversation - these things can ruin relationships if not addressed. I know confrontation of any sort can be hard for some people, but it is necessary at times. Evaluate your true feelings for him. Are you with him for reasons other than love, such as being afraid to be alone or thinking you wouldn't be able to find someone else? Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious of his female coworkers or friends before? Some people, unfortunately, develop a track record of indiscretions and give their significant others ample reason for distrusting them. However, if this is not the case, you may be unfairly judging his texting through the eyes of your own insecurities.\'a0It may be time for you both to take an honest assessment of your own reasons for being in the relationship, figure out what you want, and make a decision. This may result in bringing the two of you closer and taking the relationship to the next level. Or, it could lead to a decision to end things. I know that can be difficult, but you both deserve to be happy and to be allowed to make the decisions that will lead to your personal happiness.", |
How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. | "I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills.", | "If you'd like to ask a question, then go ahead and ask!Boyfriend/girlfriend is a close relationship and it is usually understood as an exclusive relationship. \'a0You're definitely entitled to know if your wishes to not have him texting another woman, are being respected.Often people are afraid to ask because they fear the truth will hurt them.In the short term this is definitely true.In the long term, knowing you are getting what you want and at the very least stating your expectations to your boyfriend, will clarify for him, what is meaningful in your relationship.", |
How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. | "The best way to get an answer is to just ask. I would defintely\'a0let him know you are asking out of concern and not to judge or criticize. Allow him to explain his answer and see how you feel about it. Try to ask him when you both are already discussing other topics and just say, ""Can I ask you something?""\'a0Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com", | "Just ask him.I'm not sure how you saw his phone if you're in a long distance relationship, because long distance means you live far apart from each other and don't get to see each other in person. Therefore, I think we may have a different understanding of the definition of ""long distance relationship"" which makes it hard for me to adequately answer this question for you.I don't know how old you are, but if you're an adult, after two and a half years, I don't think it's unreasonable to have an open and honest talk with each other about where the relationship is going and what you both want and expect. Long distance relationships are difficult to keep alive because you don't ever see each other in person. Talking, texting, and video chatting isn't enough, and the longer the physical distance remains, the more difficult it becomes to keep an emotional closeness. It may be time to evaluate the situation, figure out when (if ever) the two of you will be able to be together in person, and if you can and want to wait that long. Do you both want the same things out of life? If one of you wants to take the relationship to the next level but the other doesn't, then it doesn't matter if it's long distance or not - if you aren't on the same page with the relationship, it is going to be difficult to make it work.Trust is important. Issues with trust, insecurity, jealousy, lying and/or hiding things from each other, being afraid to speak up and have an honest conversation - these things can ruin relationships if not addressed. I know confrontation of any sort can be hard for some people, but it is necessary at times. Evaluate your true feelings for him. Are you with him for reasons other than love, such as being afraid to be alone or thinking you wouldn't be able to find someone else? Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious of his female coworkers or friends before? Some people, unfortunately, develop a track record of indiscretions and give their significant others ample reason for distrusting them. However, if this is not the case, you may be unfairly judging his texting through the eyes of your own insecurities.\'a0It may be time for you both to take an honest assessment of your own reasons for being in the relationship, figure out what you want, and make a decision. This may result in bringing the two of you closer and taking the relationship to the next level. Or, it could lead to a decision to end things. I know that can be difficult, but you both deserve to be happy and to be allowed to make the decisions that will lead to your personal happiness.", |
How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. | "The best way to get an answer is to just ask. I would defintely\'a0let him know you are asking out of concern and not to judge or criticize. Allow him to explain his answer and see how you feel about it. Try to ask him when you both are already discussing other topics and just say, ""Can I ask you something?""\'a0Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com", | "If you'd like to ask a question, then go ahead and ask!Boyfriend/girlfriend is a close relationship and it is usually understood as an exclusive relationship. \'a0You're definitely entitled to know if your wishes to not have him texting another woman, are being respected.Often people are afraid to ask because they fear the truth will hurt them.In the short term this is definitely true.In the long term, knowing you are getting what you want and at the very least stating your expectations to your boyfriend, will clarify for him, what is meaningful in your relationship.", |
How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. | "Just ask him.I'm not sure how you saw his phone if you're in a long distance relationship, because long distance means you live far apart from each other and don't get to see each other in person. Therefore, I think we may have a different understanding of the definition of ""long distance relationship"" which makes it hard for me to adequately answer this question for you.I don't know how old you are, but if you're an adult, after two and a half years, I don't think it's unreasonable to have an open and honest talk with each other about where the relationship is going and what you both want and expect. Long distance relationships are difficult to keep alive because you don't ever see each other in person. Talking, texting, and video chatting isn't enough, and the longer the physical distance remains, the more difficult it becomes to keep an emotional closeness. It may be time to evaluate the situation, figure out when (if ever) the two of you will be able to be together in person, and if you can and want to wait that long. Do you both want the same things out of life? If one of you wants to take the relationship to the next level but the other doesn't, then it doesn't matter if it's long distance or not - if you aren't on the same page with the relationship, it is going to be difficult to make it work.Trust is important. Issues with trust, insecurity, jealousy, lying and/or hiding things from each other, being afraid to speak up and have an honest conversation - these things can ruin relationships if not addressed. I know confrontation of any sort can be hard for some people, but it is necessary at times. Evaluate your true feelings for him. Are you with him for reasons other than love, such as being afraid to be alone or thinking you wouldn't be able to find someone else? Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious of his female coworkers or friends before? Some people, unfortunately, develop a track record of indiscretions and give their significant others ample reason for distrusting them. However, if this is not the case, you may be unfairly judging his texting through the eyes of your own insecurities.\'a0It may be time for you both to take an honest assessment of your own reasons for being in the relationship, figure out what you want, and make a decision. This may result in bringing the two of you closer and taking the relationship to the next level. Or, it could lead to a decision to end things. I know that can be difficult, but you both deserve to be happy and to be allowed to make the decisions that will lead to your personal happiness.", | "If you'd like to ask a question, then go ahead and ask!Boyfriend/girlfriend is a close relationship and it is usually understood as an exclusive relationship. \'a0You're definitely entitled to know if your wishes to not have him texting another woman, are being respected.Often people are afraid to ask because they fear the truth will hurt them.In the short term this is definitely true.In the long term, knowing you are getting what you want and at the very least stating your expectations to your boyfriend, will clarify for him, what is meaningful in your relationship.", |
How can I keep a long distance relationship going?"We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?" | "Loving someone in the military is hard. My husband and I joined the USAF two months after we got married! How long do you expect to be apart? Do you have access to Skype or something similar? How far away from each other are you? Can you meet half way periodically? I have a number of military friends who have dates over the miles with facebook live. They pick a restaurant, order, and talk about their day. It's super cute and sweet. What are some things that you have tried?", | "You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will. \'a0 The military may add stress.This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try.", |
How can I keep a long distance relationship going?"We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?" | "Loving someone in the military is hard. My husband and I joined the USAF two months after we got married! How long do you expect to be apart? Do you have access to Skype or something similar? How far away from each other are you? Can you meet half way periodically? I have a number of military friends who have dates over the miles with facebook live. They pick a restaurant, order, and talk about their day. It's super cute and sweet. What are some things that you have tried?", | "You're right that long-distance relationships can be complicated. If he loves you and you love him, that's a great start. I wonder if you would be able or willing to have a discussion about what you love about each other and what makes each of you feel loved, valued, special, and appreciated.When having important discussions, consider the following:Make sure it is a good time to have a discussion (and if you're doing it in writing because of the distance, you could type something in the top of the message about not reading any further if the person who is reading doesn't have 10 minutes or something like that)Try to listen as though you are an investigative reporter trying to find out information about each other. Asking more questions in this manner can be a helpful way to be less defensive during difficult or emotional conversations.When having discussions face-to-face, I often recommend using timeout when things become very emotional and saying that you agree to go back to the conversation in 15 minutes or one hour or some short duration of time that allows for some of the immediate emotions to dissipate so it is easier to also talk about them. As for how that translates to distance, maybe each of you would say that you are working on figuring out how best to explain it and will answer the next time you have access to the Internet (or, if possible, use some kind of timeframe).Consider what questions you would like answers to. For example, are you wondering:What should I do if I miss you or want to talk to you more? I don't want to make you feel guilty, but I also don't want to hide my feelings. Can I share them with you?If you have days or weeks when we cannot be in contact directly, can I keep sending you messages or is that overwhelming?How will you ask for support from me?Some couples really want to protect each other. In doing so, instead of hiding our emotions, can we share them and work through them together?Whatever else comes to mind.Gary Chapman is famous for his books about the 5 Love Languages. He has one specifically for military families:\'a0The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts.Here's a list of books related to loving from a distance:\'a0 |
How can I keep a long distance relationship going?"We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?" | "You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will. \'a0 The military may add stress.This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try.", | "You're right that long-distance relationships can be complicated. If he loves you and you love him, that's a great start. I wonder if you would be able or willing to have a discussion about what you love about each other and what makes each of you feel loved, valued, special, and appreciated.When having important discussions, consider the following:Make sure it is a good time to have a discussion (and if you're doing it in writing because of the distance, you could type something in the top of the message about not reading any further if the person who is reading doesn't have 10 minutes or something like that)Try to listen as though you are an investigative reporter trying to find out information about each other. Asking more questions in this manner can be a helpful way to be less defensive during difficult or emotional conversations.When having discussions face-to-face, I often recommend using timeout when things become very emotional and saying that you agree to go back to the conversation in 15 minutes or one hour or some short duration of time that allows for some of the immediate emotions to dissipate so it is easier to also talk about them. As for how that translates to distance, maybe each of you would say that you are working on figuring out how best to explain it and will answer the next time you have access to the Internet (or, if possible, use some kind of timeframe).Consider what questions you would like answers to. For example, are you wondering:What should I do if I miss you or want to talk to you more? I don't want to make you feel guilty, but I also don't want to hide my feelings. Can I share them with you?If you have days or weeks when we cannot be in contact directly, can I keep sending you messages or is that overwhelming?How will you ask for support from me?Some couples really want to protect each other. In doing so, instead of hiding our emotions, can we share them and work through them together?Whatever else comes to mind.Gary Chapman is famous for his books about the 5 Love Languages. He has one specifically for military families:\'a0The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts.Here's a list of books related to loving from a distance:\'a0 |
My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't"Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?" | "Do you know why your girlfriend doesn't believe you?It is strange that your girlfriend prefers you to take the phone call of another woman.Have you blocked the unwelcome phone calls?Has your girlfriend said she doesn't believe you or is this your interpretation?Find out the answer and then ask your girlfriend to tell you her reasons behind her thoughts.It is much easier to help someone understand a situation if the person is engaged in a conversation.Whether or not she understands is up to her.All you can be responsible to do is to offer your explanation, which sounds like you've already substantially offered.Keep or reintroduce the topic for the two of you to talk about again.", | "Open and honest communication can go a long way in situations like yours. Your girlfriend may be suspicious if you don't give her enough information. Answer her questions fully. Ask for her suggestions as to how to handle this female friend. Ask for your girlfriend for help in getting the female friend to understand that you are not interested in continuing the friendship. If you are honest with your friend, your girlfriend will probably feel like you are being honest with her.", |
Is it time to end my relationship with my boyfriend for good?"He isn't violent but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling and he participated in one or two individual sessions but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining." | "Sometimes relationships just do not work.\'a0 Don't feel that the first, second, or even third relationship is the relationship you are suppose to be in for life.\'a0\'a0 The one that is meant for you will require work but should be be draining and a constant roller coaster of breaking up.\'a0 It is good you all went to counseling, but one or two sessions may not be enough to make and see a change in behavior.\'a0 It takes times and it takes both working toward the same goal.\'a0 I would suggest doing you...meaning focusing on your own growth at the time.\'a0 If he wants to grow with you, he will make the necessary steps.\'a0 If he doesn't...wish him well.", | "Hello and thank you for your question. I worked for a number of years with people who have been both abused in their relationships and those who have been abusive. Being involved in a relationship with a partner\'a0who does the behaviors\'a0you describe can be incredibly difficult, and many would argue is even harder than\'a0overcoming actual physical violence. I was a little confused about whether you're are still broken up with this person or if you are still thinking about it. I am going to assume you are still undecided. Some of the things you are describing sound like emotional abuse. Even without physical abuse, being emotionally abused can still be traumatizing. When partners question and accuse, they are often trying to exercise power and control over their partners by hurting them with unfounded accusations.\'a0 The accusations serve to make someone feel guilty\'a0and to manipulate them. For example, if your partner accuses you of cheating when you go out bowling with friends, you may elect not to go bowling just to satisfy your partner and prevent a fight from occurring. The person being accused or questioned often tries\'a0to prove over and over again that they have done nothing wrong, but it doesn't matter. And that brings me to the point of what some people\'a0who experience these behaviors\'a0do in order to start feeling like they have some power again.\'a0Here are just a few things:1. They realize there is no right answer. Trying to be logical with someone who doesn't want to be logical doesn't work. Many people simply stop trying to defend themselves against false accusations because there was no answer that would satisfy their partner anyway.\'a0In addition, the rules of the relationship seem to change on a daily basis, and what may be okay with your partner one day may make them angry the next. And this can leave people constantly feeling like they are on eggshells.\'a0\'a02.\'a0The find support. Finding a support group or a group of people who remind you on a daily basis that you are a decent person is always a good idea. One of the things that can happen when we are with someone who does emotionally abusive things\'a0is begin to have a negative\'a0concept of ourselves. Surrounding yourself with people who remind you that you are a good person\'a0is a great idea. 3.\'a0They reinvest in themselves. Try to find some time for yourself. This couldn't possibly sound more clich\'e9, but it is actually true. Whether that is taking up a new hobby or doing an old one. One thing that can happen when emotional abuse\'a0takes place in a relationship\'a0is the person\'a0being abused can begin to isolate and not do the things that make them enjoy life. Taking some time for the self can sometimes bring things into perspective.I don't know if you are still in counseling, but if you are and you are getting what you need then that is great. If not, there are others you can try. It's important to find the right fit. As for the question of whether or not you should leave your partner, that is a question that can only be answered by you. But you could ask yourself some questions\'a0 like these to help you decide:1. What are some of my values about relationships? Do\'a0I\'a0want Trust? Honesty? Ask yourself if you have these things in your relationship.2. Do I feel like this relationship brings out the best in me, or does it seem to bring me down?3. If I want to stay in this relationship, what are some specific things that need to change? Hope some of these suggestions help. Good luck to you. Be well.Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC", |
How do I tell my boyfriend I wanna be with him but not in a relationship?"I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments but I just need to focus on my personal situations and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him but not now." | "Why don't you just tell him everything that you just wrote here?You're clear in your mind as to what you would like.Unless you have a whole either side to the way you feel, everything you wrote here explains your position very well.Good luck in having your conversation!", | "I have learned that the best approach is to say that you need the time to get yourself together, mature, learn, outside of a intimate relationship but just in a friend to friend relationship...don't blame him or point fingers at him.... most likely if you did that it would not go well.\'a0 If you make it about you and that you want the best for him while you work on self, it would be taken better.", |
My boyfriend says he needs time to think about us"I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating weeks but I like him a lot." | "Your boyfriend may like you a lot as well.People have different styles of reflecting on their lives, one of which is to retreat the way you describe your boyfriend doing.One point you can consider is asking for a time frame of when he'd be ready to discuss his thoughts on your relationship.He's entitled to retreat, as much as you're entitled to talk.Cooperating with the other person's way of handling themselves is one aspect of relating.Since the anti-depressants are a concern for you, consider bringing up this topic when the two of you do talk.", | "This seems like two questions. \'a0The first is what may have happened to prompt him to back off. \'a0The second is what it means to you to have a boyfriend who takes anti-depression medication who says he has ""a lot on his mind."" \'a0Both give you opportunity to look at yourself. \'a0Having expectations can be a huge trap. \'a0I write about this extensively in the first chapter of my book Living Yes (www.LivingYes.org). \'a0Is there any way that you can enjoy your time together without expecting anything down the road? \'a0Are there wonderful lessons for you to take from the relationship - even if it only lasts three weeks? \'a0Can you create a mindset of gratitude for what is and let the future expectations (and future demands) go? \'a0Are there new ways to communicate that might bring you together? \'a0What are the lessons for you about allowing the relationship to develop its own course on its own time? \'a0Again, let go of all expectations, and see what happens. That's what ""Living Yes"" requires.I am sure this will work out well for you - either with him or without him. \'a0~Mark \'a0(www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)", |
My fianc\'e cheated. How can we mend our relationship?"I'm in a relationship with my fianc\'e and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over years and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?" | "Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes", | "I'm sorry for the stress and unhappiness stemming the problem you describe.Trust your instinct that there is more complexity to feeling good about being in a partnership than simply wanting this to happen.In any relationship, the complexities of each person combine. \'a0 Often people accept when this feels good and are lost as to what to do when natural human complexity, doesn't match up with our partner in the way we'd like.A couples' therapist would be able to help each of you talk about the factors motivating the cheating, as well as clarify the reasons you each have for continuing to stay together.\'a0The unique advantage of couple's therapy is that each person is able to hear their partner talk out loud about themselves and their partner.This is sometimes enormously helpful since our inner thoughts are often hidden yet very dominant in how we direct ourselves in relationships.Sometimes the initial consult session offers enough new understanding that a second session wouldn't be necessary for a while.Good luck in finding your relationship happiness!", |
My fianc\'e cheated. How can we mend our relationship?"I'm in a relationship with my fianc\'e and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over years and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?" | "I'm sorry for the stress and unhappiness stemming the problem you describe.Trust your instinct that there is more complexity to feeling good about being in a partnership than simply wanting this to happen.In any relationship, the complexities of each person combine. \'a0 Often people accept when this feels good and are lost as to what to do when natural human complexity, doesn't match up with our partner in the way we'd like.A couples' therapist would be able to help each of you talk about the factors motivating the cheating, as well as clarify the reasons you each have for continuing to stay together.\'a0The unique advantage of couple's therapy is that each person is able to hear their partner talk out loud about themselves and their partner.This is sometimes enormously helpful since our inner thoughts are often hidden yet very dominant in how we direct ourselves in relationships.Sometimes the initial consult session offers enough new understanding that a second session wouldn't be necessary for a while.Good luck in finding your relationship happiness!", | "My first question for you would be to see if you've talked with her about it yet? You mentioned you found out....and I know this can be so painful. It can also be frightening to bring up the experience when it hurts a lot, when you feel so unsettled as you mention. But you can look at this as a vital and important piece of information about what's happening in your relationship, and an invitation to get really honest and genuine with each other.\'a0You have a long history, being together 9 years, and a son, so you are very bonded no matter what changes happen in your relationship. It may be incredibly helpful to find a counselor you can both go talk with. Having a third party who is neutral and cares about your process and hers can be such a relief when you need to discuss things you feel scared about. Even just a few sessions can make a huge difference.\'a0If this doesn't feel possible for you right now.....ask your fiancee for time to set aside for a meaningful heart-to-heart talk. Say you'd like to set it up on the calendar, and make sure you have a babysitter for your son. Set aside at least 4 hours. Let her know that you'd like to hear her honest truth about what's going on, and share with her your truth as well. It's not a time for criticizing or condemning, and I don't sense that is your intention at all--you have a great deal of love for her. Speaking honestly and listening openly is an amazing gift, both for yourself and for your partner. You can do it.", |
My fianc\'e cheated. How can we mend our relationship?"I'm in a relationship with my fianc\'e and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over years and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?" | "Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes", | "My first question for you would be to see if you've talked with her about it yet? You mentioned you found out....and I know this can be so painful. It can also be frightening to bring up the experience when it hurts a lot, when you feel so unsettled as you mention. But you can look at this as a vital and important piece of information about what's happening in your relationship, and an invitation to get really honest and genuine with each other.\'a0You have a long history, being together 9 years, and a son, so you are very bonded no matter what changes happen in your relationship. It may be incredibly helpful to find a counselor you can both go talk with. Having a third party who is neutral and cares about your process and hers can be such a relief when you need to discuss things you feel scared about. Even just a few sessions can make a huge difference.\'a0If this doesn't feel possible for you right now.....ask your fiancee for time to set aside for a meaningful heart-to-heart talk. Say you'd like to set it up on the calendar, and make sure you have a babysitter for your son. Set aside at least 4 hours. Let her know that you'd like to hear her honest truth about what's going on, and share with her your truth as well. It's not a time for criticizing or condemning, and I don't sense that is your intention at all--you have a great deal of love for her. Speaking honestly and listening openly is an amazing gift, both for yourself and for your partner. You can do it.", |
I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want meWhat do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose. | "I'm sorry you are feeling uncared for. I'm sure there are plenty of people that care and love for you that you are not taking into consideration. Sometimes when we get upset we may think irrationally and see the world as all or nothing. However, take a deep breath, relax and start focusing on the positive relationships you have with others, regardless of how small or insignificant they may seem. I think you will quickly realize there are people out there that care a great deal about you.I also think it would help for you to surround yourself among people who you can identify with and share common interests with. Maybe you can attend a religious service, join an interest group (i.e. reading club, sports group, etc.) or start a group of your own. Most importantly, you need to tap into your interests and surround yourself with things that are beneficial for your own mental and physical health. From this, relationships will start to immerse.\'a0You may also like to talk with a therapist regarding your feelings of being unloved. This is an unhealthy way to think of yourself and I think with a little help, you can see that you are more than deserving of a great relationship.\'a0Thanks for reaching out and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.", | "What would make you feel no one wants to be with you?", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay. \'a0Sexual preference exists on a continuum. Over the course of many years a person's sexual preference may shift.", | "Sexuality is normally formed during adolescence. It would be extremely rare for someone to develop feelings of same-sex attraction later in life. I would explore whether the attraction you are experiencing is sexually-based or intimacy-based. Perhaps you are craving a close, emotionally intimate relationship with the same-sex, but have somehow sexualized that desire. People often short-cut emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy. This would be something to explore with a counselor.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Sexuality is normally formed during adolescence. It would be extremely rare for someone to develop feelings of same-sex attraction later in life. I would explore whether the attraction you are experiencing is sexually-based or intimacy-based. Perhaps you are craving a close, emotionally intimate relationship with the same-sex, but have somehow sexualized that desire. People often short-cut emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy. This would be something to explore with a counselor.", | "Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Sexuality is normally formed during adolescence. It would be extremely rare for someone to develop feelings of same-sex attraction later in life. I would explore whether the attraction you are experiencing is sexually-based or intimacy-based. Perhaps you are craving a close, emotionally intimate relationship with the same-sex, but have somehow sexualized that desire. People often short-cut emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy. This would be something to explore with a counselor.", | "During these encounters did you feel safe? accepted? Where you able to experience something new in your life?\'a0It is natural to feel attraction to all people. As young children we love everyone. It was as we got older that the social constructs had us make a ""choice"". It could have been that you were always attracted to the same sex, but now are allowing yourself to feel and explore. But also know that life is interesting as we grow and mature we find that we like things we never liked before, things we said we would never do now seem appealing.\'a0What is the story you are telling yourself about having these interests? Try to not overthink your attractions. See where they take you. You are on a journey to discover yourself.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Sexuality is normally formed during adolescence. It would be extremely rare for someone to develop feelings of same-sex attraction later in life. I would explore whether the attraction you are experiencing is sexually-based or intimacy-based. Perhaps you are craving a close, emotionally intimate relationship with the same-sex, but have somehow sexualized that desire. People often short-cut emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy. This would be something to explore with a counselor.", | "There are many possible answers to your question.The best one will be the one you decide after reflecting on your own reasoning as to your sexual attraction change.Sometimes people inhibit their sexuality bc of fear others will disapprove. \'a0Currently since in most circles being gay is acceptable, the conditions are much easier now to come out.Maybe this describes you.How happy are you in your marriage?Sometimes people find it easier to discover a sudden change in their sexuality than to face painful emotions in an existing marriage.These are only two theoretical possibilities and may not even reflect your own.What matters is your self-discovery and that you trust your findings as the answer to your question.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay. \'a0Sexual preference exists on a continuum. Over the course of many years a person's sexual preference may shift.", | "Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay. \'a0Sexual preference exists on a continuum. Over the course of many years a person's sexual preference may shift.", | "During these encounters did you feel safe? accepted? Where you able to experience something new in your life?\'a0It is natural to feel attraction to all people. As young children we love everyone. It was as we got older that the social constructs had us make a ""choice"". It could have been that you were always attracted to the same sex, but now are allowing yourself to feel and explore. But also know that life is interesting as we grow and mature we find that we like things we never liked before, things we said we would never do now seem appealing.\'a0What is the story you are telling yourself about having these interests? Try to not overthink your attractions. See where they take you. You are on a journey to discover yourself.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay. \'a0Sexual preference exists on a continuum. Over the course of many years a person's sexual preference may shift.", | "There are many possible answers to your question.The best one will be the one you decide after reflecting on your own reasoning as to your sexual attraction change.Sometimes people inhibit their sexuality bc of fear others will disapprove. \'a0Currently since in most circles being gay is acceptable, the conditions are much easier now to come out.Maybe this describes you.How happy are you in your marriage?Sometimes people find it easier to discover a sudden change in their sexuality than to face painful emotions in an existing marriage.These are only two theoretical possibilities and may not even reflect your own.What matters is your self-discovery and that you trust your findings as the answer to your question.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life.", | "During these encounters did you feel safe? accepted? Where you able to experience something new in your life?\'a0It is natural to feel attraction to all people. As young children we love everyone. It was as we got older that the social constructs had us make a ""choice"". It could have been that you were always attracted to the same sex, but now are allowing yourself to feel and explore. But also know that life is interesting as we grow and mature we find that we like things we never liked before, things we said we would never do now seem appealing.\'a0What is the story you are telling yourself about having these interests? Try to not overthink your attractions. See where they take you. You are on a journey to discover yourself.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life.", | "There are many possible answers to your question.The best one will be the one you decide after reflecting on your own reasoning as to your sexual attraction change.Sometimes people inhibit their sexuality bc of fear others will disapprove. \'a0Currently since in most circles being gay is acceptable, the conditions are much easier now to come out.Maybe this describes you.How happy are you in your marriage?Sometimes people find it easier to discover a sudden change in their sexuality than to face painful emotions in an existing marriage.These are only two theoretical possibilities and may not even reflect your own.What matters is your self-discovery and that you trust your findings as the answer to your question.", |
How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly years of being straight?"After years of being straight how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing." | "There are many possible answers to your question.The best one will be the one you decide after reflecting on your own reasoning as to your sexual attraction change.Sometimes people inhibit their sexuality bc of fear others will disapprove. \'a0Currently since in most circles being gay is acceptable, the conditions are much easier now to come out.Maybe this describes you.How happy are you in your marriage?Sometimes people find it easier to discover a sudden change in their sexuality than to face painful emotions in an existing marriage.These are only two theoretical possibilities and may not even reflect your own.What matters is your self-discovery and that you trust your findings as the answer to your question.", | "During these encounters did you feel safe? accepted? Where you able to experience something new in your life?\'a0It is natural to feel attraction to all people. As young children we love everyone. It was as we got older that the social constructs had us make a ""choice"". It could have been that you were always attracted to the same sex, but now are allowing yourself to feel and explore. But also know that life is interesting as we grow and mature we find that we like things we never liked before, things we said we would never do now seem appealing.\'a0What is the story you are telling yourself about having these interests? Try to not overthink your attractions. See where they take you. You are on a journey to discover yourself.", |
My wife outed me to her sisterWhat should I do when we see each other? | "I am so sorry that this happened. \'a0Nobody deserves to be outed without their permission. \'a0I would encourage you to get in touch with someone who is supportive and accepting and plan to touch base with them after you see your wife's sister. \'a0You can also plan to take some time for self care after you see her. \'a0For example, if you enjoy bike rides, plan on taking a bike ride afterward. \'a0Plan to do something that feels nurturing and caring. \'a0Best of luck!", | "Echoing others here, I'm sorry, she shouldn't have. Hopefully, you will have a conversation (or, in reality, several conversations) about relationship expectations of privacy~ Are there things your wife would prefer you not share with her family? Without exploring what is or isn't okay through healthy dialog, it's entirely possible she felt her sister was 'in the circle' of people she could share this with. All that said, though ... now that you've been outed, you have an opportunity to be more authentically you: what will you do with it?", |
What does it mean that I feel like different genders?I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender. | "I agree with Sherry, it is OK to give the answer that you feel most familiar with. \'a0The most important part is not who people think you are, but that you know who you are. \'a0Read about gender identity and fluidity. \'a0Discovering the answer is a process, don't rush it to comply with others either way. \'a0If you feel that this is a constant issue that keeps you awake and keeps you from enjoying your life, consider going to a therapist to discuss your feelings and concerns.\'a0\'bfQu\'e9 significa\'a0que yo me sienta como diferentes g\'e9neros?Nac\'ed como\'a0ni\'f1a.\'a0Me veo como ni\'f1o. \'a0A veces siento como una variaci\'f3n diferente de g\'e9nero. \'a0No s\'e9 qu\'e9 decirle a otros cuando pregunta que soy. \'a0Me siento confuso y solo digo mi genero de nacimiento.\'a0Estoy de acuerdo con Sherry, est\'e1 bien dar la respuesta que se sienta m\'e1s c\'f3moda. \'a0La parte m\'e1s importante no es quien las otras personas piensen que eres, sino quien t\'fa piensas que eres. \'a0Lee sobre el tema de identidad de g\'e9nero y fluidez de g\'e9nero. \'a0Descubrir tu g\'e9nero puede ser un proceso, no lo apresures para complacer a otras personas. \'a0Si sientes que este tema te esta quitando el sueno y te impide disfrutar tu vida, habla con tu consejero sobre tus sentimientos y preocupaciones.", | "If you're feeling like your gender is different than the gender you are born with, and there are many different terms to help describe that. Gender is actually looked at on a spectrum. Transgender is just one of those terms, but looking at the information here may help:\'a0 |
What does it mean that I feel like different genders?I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender. | "It is ok to tell someone who is casually asking about your gender, what is written on your birth certificate.\'a0Measure the significance of your answer to the significance of the person who is asking you the question.In addition, you are stating the simple truth, so there's nothing wrong with stating what is on your birth certificate.Do you understand the reason of why people are asking about your gender?It is not a common question, so I wonder about the context in which this happens.The whole field of gender identity is extremely popular now.Popular usually means people are swept into a trend just because it is in the air, not because they've given the time and seriousness to thoughtfully consider if the trend has anything to do with them personally.Keep open minded to who you are, including if you are truly a different gender than the one you're born into.It is a very complicated question and lately people, especially teens, are answering it much more rapidly than seems possible to fully consider.", | "If you're feeling like your gender is different than the gender you are born with, and there are many different terms to help describe that. Gender is actually looked at on a spectrum. Transgender is just one of those terms, but looking at the information here may help:\'a0 |
What does it mean that I feel like different genders?I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender. | "It is ok to tell someone who is casually asking about your gender, what is written on your birth certificate.\'a0Measure the significance of your answer to the significance of the person who is asking you the question.In addition, you are stating the simple truth, so there's nothing wrong with stating what is on your birth certificate.Do you understand the reason of why people are asking about your gender?It is not a common question, so I wonder about the context in which this happens.The whole field of gender identity is extremely popular now.Popular usually means people are swept into a trend just because it is in the air, not because they've given the time and seriousness to thoughtfully consider if the trend has anything to do with them personally.Keep open minded to who you are, including if you are truly a different gender than the one you're born into.It is a very complicated question and lately people, especially teens, are answering it much more rapidly than seems possible to fully consider.", | "I agree with Sherry, it is OK to give the answer that you feel most familiar with. \'a0The most important part is not who people think you are, but that you know who you are. \'a0Read about gender identity and fluidity. \'a0Discovering the answer is a process, don't rush it to comply with others either way. \'a0If you feel that this is a constant issue that keeps you awake and keeps you from enjoying your life, consider going to a therapist to discuss your feelings and concerns.\'a0\'bfQu\'e9 significa\'a0que yo me sienta como diferentes g\'e9neros?Nac\'ed como\'a0ni\'f1a.\'a0Me veo como ni\'f1o. \'a0A veces siento como una variaci\'f3n diferente de g\'e9nero. \'a0No s\'e9 qu\'e9 decirle a otros cuando pregunta que soy. \'a0Me siento confuso y solo digo mi genero de nacimiento.\'a0Estoy de acuerdo con Sherry, est\'e1 bien dar la respuesta que se sienta m\'e1s c\'f3moda. \'a0La parte m\'e1s importante no es quien las otras personas piensen que eres, sino quien t\'fa piensas que eres. \'a0Lee sobre el tema de identidad de g\'e9nero y fluidez de g\'e9nero. \'a0Descubrir tu g\'e9nero puede ser un proceso, no lo apresures para complacer a otras personas. \'a0Si sientes que este tema te esta quitando el sueno y te impide disfrutar tu vida, habla con tu consejero sobre tus sentimientos y preocupaciones.", |
I\'m afraid that I\'m gay"I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I\'ve never thought about men until a week ago. I\'m very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I\'m not gay. I get the same results each time and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time." | "Hello. Coming to terms with the idea that you might be of a sexuality other than the one in which you were socially raised to be, can be emotionally disturbing, and quite unsettling. It creates anxiety, maybe even panic, and leaves us feeling confused and uncertain about our own sense of identity. It becomes important to first ask yourself how you feel when you are thinking of being intimate with guys, or if you desire them to be intimate with you. It is important to know what impact this has on you, because it can determine your level of follow through and desire in pursuing sexual activity with someone of the same sex. I am not going to pass judgment on you either way - even for having the thoughts. I have worked with the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) community in various ways over the years. Many I speak to, say they had to struggle to come to terms with this awareness about how they see themselves sexually. Maybe you are bisexual, and don't have an exclusive attraction to the same sex. You might consider doing some searches online for community support groups in your area, to explore the feelings and issues around this topic. Talking to someone who you trust can be helpful too. Running from your feelings is not a good idea, and others in a support group for sexuality issues, might be able to relate to you and what you're going through right now. This will offer you perspective, as you think on how this plays out in your life.Counselors are typically well trained to provide clinical services to clients who are experiencing feelings and thoughts much like the ones you are having now. I encourage you to consider reaching out for help. You are not crazy or insane for thinking of working with a counselor, nor of having feelings of same sex attraction. If you decide you are indeed gay, then know that you are not alone and never will be alone in that feeling. There is a huge community of support for you. Additionally, we all need help sometimes dealing with all sort of issues. A counselor can work more in depth with you to examine the motivations behind the feelings, and help you come to terms with them more directly. I hope that you come to a place where you feel less alone and more secure with yourself as you examine this area of your life. No matter what, do not fear being yourself. Again...you are not alone, I promise.Warm regards,Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC", | "Hi Brookfield, It can be unsettling when we feel something as fundamental as our sexual orientation shifting. I like that you're honest enough with yourself to say ""I'm struggling with this"". To accept that there is a question is a brave place to be. And...it doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.Unfortunately, we live in a culture that wants to put people in slots...male or female, straight or gay...we tend to not like those grey areas so much as a culture. The truth is that, if we grew up in a society where there wasn't this categorization...if we felt free to explore and grow sexually, we might be surprised at who we are attracted to. You don't have to put yourself in a slot. Our sexual preferences are more fluid than we think, and it can change over time.We also live in a culture where there is prejudice against homosexuality or ""differentness"" in general. The wish to not be gay can be powerful. Many people who are gay spend years believing they were heteroxual...fighting against, repressing \'a0or ignoring their gay thoughts. This is needless pain. If you are gay, there is no shame in that and you can still have a glorious life filled with love and passion.Having said all that...just because you have thoughts about men or get turned on by gay porm doesn't mean you're gay. Many heterosexual people have thoughts and fantasies about the same sex; it's arousing because it's naughty...we're curious about the forbidden, or we're just curious. Becoming aroused by gay porn is normal for many heterosexual men.\'a0Sexual orientation isn't just about sex either. A different gauge of who you are sexually can be found in your emotions towards men or women. Are you drawn into emotional connections with men more than women? Who do you feel the urge to explore and be close to?Exploring your sexuality through being open to different experiences can help too. How does it feel to kiss a man, to touch a man, as compared with a woman...sometimes this feels like such a big and forbidden step that it's a barrier to discovering ourselves. We don't want to open that door.\'a0I wish you well as you do exactly what you are supposed to be doing...exploring and discovering yourself. It's an exciting journey and you might want to find a trusted person to talk more about this with.", |
I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it"I am a heterosexual male in my late s. I find myself wearing pantyhose heels skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single." | "If you enjoy cross-dressing and are comfortable with how you feelaand aware of your own thoughts and feelings about it in private as compared to in public, \'a0I see no problem with that.If you would like to become more comfortable with it or express more feelings about it, I recommend that you \'a0see a local mental health professional, not because there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but so you can learn more about yourself in the process. You may find \'a0that doing this in private and having a partner \'a0who accepts that is your view of how you would like things to be. You may discover that you would like to do this in public.I appreciate your honesty.", | "Hi there! It sounds like you have already started to answer\
your own question by stating that you love cross dressing very much, and I am\
glad you enjoy it! Cross dressing is something many people enjoy, and there is\
no harm in it whatsoever.\'a0My question to you would be: What is making you feel torn\
about it? There is unfortunately still a lot of negative stigma associated with\
people who express their gender or sexuality in ways that differ from the\
majority. (And sometimes certain sexual interests are actually very common or\
even in the majority, but because people carry shame about being different when\
it comes to gender and sexuality we assume we are all alone!)Being a sexual or gender minority or someone who\
participates in kink or expresses their sexuality or gender identity in a\
unique and personal way often means suffering from something called\
""internalized oppression"". We grow up being exposed to certain\
assumptions and beliefs about what is ""acceptable"" behavior and even\
face consequences sometimes if we don't ""fit in"" the way others tell\
us to. Even if those assumptions are harmful and wrong, we still internalize\
them and feel guilty about who we are. There is nothing wrong with us, but\
feeling stigmatized and isolated can lead to feelings of shame, embarrassment,\
or like something is ""wrong"" with us.But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, so be proud\
of who you are and what you enjoy. You can continue to simply enjoy it\
privately, or maybe you'd eventually like to share it with a partner or maybe\
even join a community with similar interests. I'll leave you with a quote from\
comedian Eddie Izzard, who identifies as, in his own words, a ""straight\
transvestite"": ""They\'92re not women\'92s clothes. They\'92re my clothes. I\
bought them!"" Take care, and thanks for your question!", |
Am I gay if I like neither girls nor guys?"I'm a guy. If I don't like girls nor do I like guys does that mean I'm gay?" | "Hi, and thanks for your question. I agree with my colleagues about researching asexuality, but I want too add a couple of things about that:Here is a website that you can start with to get some information about asexuality - | "No, it does not necessarily. \'a0Your sexual preference is based on who you ARE attracted to, not what does not turn you on. \'a0If you find you have no sex drive at all, this is called asexual. \'a0But you did not mention what you do find arrousing either. \'a0Hope this helps.", |
How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?"I'm transgender I know I am but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.\
My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?" | "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to consider\'a0suicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's free\'a0at\'a0877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question.Be well....be YOU.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC", | "This is a difficult situation to be in, as it sounds like you are feeling very isolated from both your family and your friends.\'a0\'a0 I don't know your age or gender so please excuse any incorrect assumptions about you being under 18 and use what is useful from the ideas if you are older.\'a0 One idea is to research online to find a therapist or a local clinic that has a therapist who is a ""Gender Therapist"" or a ""Gender Specialist.""\'a0 Most therapists who are transgender affirmative also have other specialties and do general therapy.\'a0 Though I don't think lying to your parents is a good idea, if you feel you truly can't talk to them about your gender, then perhaps you can find a therapist with a specialization in gender identity who can help you cope with your gender dysphoria.\'a0 You can let your parents know that you would like to see that particular therapist for other reasons, such as anxiety/worry, and that you researched them and liked their website.\'a0 Work to find a therapist who takes your parents insurance if you can.\'a0 You can also talk to the therapist on the phone first, before you talk to your parents about scheduling the first therapy visit. Therapists can help you learn some ways to manage feelings of worry, shame, and fear related to gender dysphoria. Depending on your family situation, many therapists will work to help you learn skills to safely communicate with your parents about what is troubling you.\'a0 Your parents may actually surprise you and be more accepting than you think.\'a0 Usually when parents learn that you are suffering, they want to be open to learning how they can help you, even if awkwardly at first.Reframing is a tool that helps you think about your situation from other perspectives.\'a0 It's kind of how you can look at the same picture with a different picture frame and it makes the same picture look a little different. \'a0 Keep in mind your situation is probably temporary and think about in the context of your whole long life (can you tolerate another 2 to 4 years living like you are if you have another X number of years to live?).\'a0 If you are living at home, you will eventually be more independent and be able to make more of your decisions about your gender expression. Keep the idea in mind the concept that is popular in mindfulness classes I teach, that ""This too shall pass"" or ""This is only for now"" when you start to feel hopeless. If you start to over focus on your gender or body issues, try to distract yourself with things that make you feel happy (your pet, music, art, sports etc) or stay busy.\'a0 If you can, find any GSA or LGBTIQQ youth group that you can attend confidentially, further away from home, to get some support.\'a0 Work to find an ally, one person, that you can talk to about what you are feeling. Making new friends online through social media can sometimes be a start in breaking down the isolation you feel. Another idea, if you are under 24 years old, there is a phone line (866-488-7386)\'a0 to call in case you are ever feeling you are in crisis.\'a0 You can also text chat! Trevor Project: |
How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?"I'm transgender I know I am but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.\
My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?" | "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to consider\'a0suicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's free\'a0at\'a0877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question.Be well....be YOU.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC", | "Hi! I am so glad you're reaching out! \'a0Sounds like you have some solid support in some areas of your life but are still dealing with some difficult dysphoria. \'a0I think it can depend on what kind of dysphoria you have - sometimes it's physical, social or mental. \'a0Sometimes physical dysphoria means less time around mirrors or plans to make showering less stressful (music, audio books, distraction). \'a0Sometimes online support networks can be a great source of ideas in this way (for social and mental dysphoria as well). \'a0Some of my clients do things that help them feel better in their bodies that don't require anyone to know (hair removal, binders, packing, hormones,) and other things. \'a0I recommend stopping by a website called Conversations with a Gender Therapist. There are some awesome videos there that might help you! \'a0I hope this helps some! \'a0Don't forget to try to connect with other trans folks (even online) - it can be a great relief to know you're not alone in how you're feeling! Best of luck!!", |
How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?"I'm transgender I know I am but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.\
My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?" | "This is a difficult situation to be in, as it sounds like you are feeling very isolated from both your family and your friends.\'a0\'a0 I don't know your age or gender so please excuse any incorrect assumptions about you being under 18 and use what is useful from the ideas if you are older.\'a0 One idea is to research online to find a therapist or a local clinic that has a therapist who is a ""Gender Therapist"" or a ""Gender Specialist.""\'a0 Most therapists who are transgender affirmative also have other specialties and do general therapy.\'a0 Though I don't think lying to your parents is a good idea, if you feel you truly can't talk to them about your gender, then perhaps you can find a therapist with a specialization in gender identity who can help you cope with your gender dysphoria.\'a0 You can let your parents know that you would like to see that particular therapist for other reasons, such as anxiety/worry, and that you researched them and liked their website.\'a0 Work to find a therapist who takes your parents insurance if you can.\'a0 You can also talk to the therapist on the phone first, before you talk to your parents about scheduling the first therapy visit. Therapists can help you learn some ways to manage feelings of worry, shame, and fear related to gender dysphoria. Depending on your family situation, many therapists will work to help you learn skills to safely communicate with your parents about what is troubling you.\'a0 Your parents may actually surprise you and be more accepting than you think.\'a0 Usually when parents learn that you are suffering, they want to be open to learning how they can help you, even if awkwardly at first.Reframing is a tool that helps you think about your situation from other perspectives.\'a0 It's kind of how you can look at the same picture with a different picture frame and it makes the same picture look a little different. \'a0 Keep in mind your situation is probably temporary and think about in the context of your whole long life (can you tolerate another 2 to 4 years living like you are if you have another X number of years to live?).\'a0 If you are living at home, you will eventually be more independent and be able to make more of your decisions about your gender expression. Keep the idea in mind the concept that is popular in mindfulness classes I teach, that ""This too shall pass"" or ""This is only for now"" when you start to feel hopeless. If you start to over focus on your gender or body issues, try to distract yourself with things that make you feel happy (your pet, music, art, sports etc) or stay busy.\'a0 If you can, find any GSA or LGBTIQQ youth group that you can attend confidentially, further away from home, to get some support.\'a0 Work to find an ally, one person, that you can talk to about what you are feeling. Making new friends online through social media can sometimes be a start in breaking down the isolation you feel. Another idea, if you are under 24 years old, there is a phone line (866-488-7386)\'a0 to call in case you are ever feeling you are in crisis.\'a0 You can also text chat! Trevor Project: | "Hi! I am so glad you're reaching out! \'a0Sounds like you have some solid support in some areas of your life but are still dealing with some difficult dysphoria. \'a0I think it can depend on what kind of dysphoria you have - sometimes it's physical, social or mental. \'a0Sometimes physical dysphoria means less time around mirrors or plans to make showering less stressful (music, audio books, distraction). \'a0Sometimes online support networks can be a great source of ideas in this way (for social and mental dysphoria as well). \'a0Some of my clients do things that help them feel better in their bodies that don't require anyone to know (hair removal, binders, packing, hormones,) and other things. \'a0I recommend stopping by a website called Conversations with a Gender Therapist. There are some awesome videos there that might help you! \'a0I hope this helps some! \'a0Don't forget to try to connect with other trans folks (even online) - it can be a great relief to know you're not alone in how you're feeling! Best of luck!!", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "Hi,When we can't stop doing things that we know are wrong, it can help to take a closer look at how we make our decisions. Usually we are getting something good out of these bad behaviors, such as feeling excited or taking our minds off of bad things. It is really hard to change these things without helping us get the good effect in a more healthy way. I hope this helps.", | "When you say you've ""been caught"", I am assuming that means your parents know you've been sneaking out.\'a0 If that's the case, could you ask for their help?\'a0 Sometimes just knowing someone else is holding you accountable really makes a difference.\'a0 That could be as simple as Dad checking in on you at, say, 2 am, just to make sure you are where you are supposed to be.If you are sneaking\'a0 out to hang out with friends, find another way to connect with them - if they are truly friends they will want to support you in your resolution to stay put at night.\'a0 Maybe you can ask for their support by telling them to stop including you in late night plans.There is likely a reason you were sneaking out, but there's a reason you want to stop too - so get support.\'a0 No one changes hard habits on their own!Best of luck to you - you can do this and it will help you change other things in the future.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "Hi...let's start with what's causing you to sneak out of the house?Understanding the motivation behind your actions (in this case...your sneaking out at night) can often times help you create the change you want. \'a0Are you arguing with your parents? Do you feel misunderstood? Alone? Scared? Stressed out? What are you doing once you leave the house? Where are you going? Are people in your home in conflict? Do you feel safer when you leave? Most importantly, reflect on what may be behind the reason for your wanting to leave the house and feeling not in control of your actions? \'a0Talk to someone about what's going on, because maybe that person could help you create the movement you are seeking.", | "When you say you've ""been caught"", I am assuming that means your parents know you've been sneaking out.\'a0 If that's the case, could you ask for their help?\'a0 Sometimes just knowing someone else is holding you accountable really makes a difference.\'a0 That could be as simple as Dad checking in on you at, say, 2 am, just to make sure you are where you are supposed to be.If you are sneaking\'a0 out to hang out with friends, find another way to connect with them - if they are truly friends they will want to support you in your resolution to stay put at night.\'a0 Maybe you can ask for their support by telling them to stop including you in late night plans.There is likely a reason you were sneaking out, but there's a reason you want to stop too - so get support.\'a0 No one changes hard habits on their own!Best of luck to you - you can do this and it will help you change other things in the future.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "This is not totally unusual behavior, but the fact that you would like to stop and cannot seem to be able to points to something deeper. That cannot be unpacked online, but I'm glad that you're in this space and asking this question. Try to find a therapist who seems like a good fit and begin to get to work on this issue and what all is going on for you. You're not alone!", | "When you say you've ""been caught"", I am assuming that means your parents know you've been sneaking out.\'a0 If that's the case, could you ask for their help?\'a0 Sometimes just knowing someone else is holding you accountable really makes a difference.\'a0 That could be as simple as Dad checking in on you at, say, 2 am, just to make sure you are where you are supposed to be.If you are sneaking\'a0 out to hang out with friends, find another way to connect with them - if they are truly friends they will want to support you in your resolution to stay put at night.\'a0 Maybe you can ask for their support by telling them to stop including you in late night plans.There is likely a reason you were sneaking out, but there's a reason you want to stop too - so get support.\'a0 No one changes hard habits on their own!Best of luck to you - you can do this and it will help you change other things in the future.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "Where do you go and what is your reason to go wherever this is?Try to understand these reasons because the answers may give you good guidance as to other ways to get what \'a0 it is your trying to reach by sneaking from your home at night.If for example, you're sneaking out because your parents are arguing and you feel hurt by this and want to escape hearing their arguments, then you can come up with other ways to hear less of their arguments.If you sneak out bc your parents restrict your friends or time to socialize with your friends, and your friends are doing legal and safe behaviors, then maybe you could do some socializing online w them.Also, I wonder the reason why either of your parents isn't aware that you leave the house. \'a0Do you feel your parent would offer and would you ask your parent to give their suggestions so you feel more motivated to stay home?", | "When you say you've ""been caught"", I am assuming that means your parents know you've been sneaking out.\'a0 If that's the case, could you ask for their help?\'a0 Sometimes just knowing someone else is holding you accountable really makes a difference.\'a0 That could be as simple as Dad checking in on you at, say, 2 am, just to make sure you are where you are supposed to be.If you are sneaking\'a0 out to hang out with friends, find another way to connect with them - if they are truly friends they will want to support you in your resolution to stay put at night.\'a0 Maybe you can ask for their support by telling them to stop including you in late night plans.There is likely a reason you were sneaking out, but there's a reason you want to stop too - so get support.\'a0 No one changes hard habits on their own!Best of luck to you - you can do this and it will help you change other things in the future.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "Hi...let's start with what's causing you to sneak out of the house?Understanding the motivation behind your actions (in this case...your sneaking out at night) can often times help you create the change you want. \'a0Are you arguing with your parents? Do you feel misunderstood? Alone? Scared? Stressed out? What are you doing once you leave the house? Where are you going? Are people in your home in conflict? Do you feel safer when you leave? Most importantly, reflect on what may be behind the reason for your wanting to leave the house and feeling not in control of your actions? \'a0Talk to someone about what's going on, because maybe that person could help you create the movement you are seeking.", | "Hi,When we can't stop doing things that we know are wrong, it can help to take a closer look at how we make our decisions. Usually we are getting something good out of these bad behaviors, such as feeling excited or taking our minds off of bad things. It is really hard to change these things without helping us get the good effect in a more healthy way. I hope this helps.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "This is not totally unusual behavior, but the fact that you would like to stop and cannot seem to be able to points to something deeper. That cannot be unpacked online, but I'm glad that you're in this space and asking this question. Try to find a therapist who seems like a good fit and begin to get to work on this issue and what all is going on for you. You're not alone!", | "Hi,When we can't stop doing things that we know are wrong, it can help to take a closer look at how we make our decisions. Usually we are getting something good out of these bad behaviors, such as feeling excited or taking our minds off of bad things. It is really hard to change these things without helping us get the good effect in a more healthy way. I hope this helps.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "Where do you go and what is your reason to go wherever this is?Try to understand these reasons because the answers may give you good guidance as to other ways to get what \'a0 it is your trying to reach by sneaking from your home at night.If for example, you're sneaking out because your parents are arguing and you feel hurt by this and want to escape hearing their arguments, then you can come up with other ways to hear less of their arguments.If you sneak out bc your parents restrict your friends or time to socialize with your friends, and your friends are doing legal and safe behaviors, then maybe you could do some socializing online w them.Also, I wonder the reason why either of your parents isn't aware that you leave the house. \'a0Do you feel your parent would offer and would you ask your parent to give their suggestions so you feel more motivated to stay home?", | "Hi,When we can't stop doing things that we know are wrong, it can help to take a closer look at how we make our decisions. Usually we are getting something good out of these bad behaviors, such as feeling excited or taking our minds off of bad things. It is really hard to change these things without helping us get the good effect in a more healthy way. I hope this helps.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "This is not totally unusual behavior, but the fact that you would like to stop and cannot seem to be able to points to something deeper. That cannot be unpacked online, but I'm glad that you're in this space and asking this question. Try to find a therapist who seems like a good fit and begin to get to work on this issue and what all is going on for you. You're not alone!", | "Hi...let's start with what's causing you to sneak out of the house?Understanding the motivation behind your actions (in this case...your sneaking out at night) can often times help you create the change you want. \'a0Are you arguing with your parents? Do you feel misunderstood? Alone? Scared? Stressed out? What are you doing once you leave the house? Where are you going? Are people in your home in conflict? Do you feel safer when you leave? Most importantly, reflect on what may be behind the reason for your wanting to leave the house and feeling not in control of your actions? \'a0Talk to someone about what's going on, because maybe that person could help you create the movement you are seeking.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "Where do you go and what is your reason to go wherever this is?Try to understand these reasons because the answers may give you good guidance as to other ways to get what \'a0 it is your trying to reach by sneaking from your home at night.If for example, you're sneaking out because your parents are arguing and you feel hurt by this and want to escape hearing their arguments, then you can come up with other ways to hear less of their arguments.If you sneak out bc your parents restrict your friends or time to socialize with your friends, and your friends are doing legal and safe behaviors, then maybe you could do some socializing online w them.Also, I wonder the reason why either of your parents isn't aware that you leave the house. \'a0Do you feel your parent would offer and would you ask your parent to give their suggestions so you feel more motivated to stay home?", | "Hi...let's start with what's causing you to sneak out of the house?Understanding the motivation behind your actions (in this case...your sneaking out at night) can often times help you create the change you want. \'a0Are you arguing with your parents? Do you feel misunderstood? Alone? Scared? Stressed out? What are you doing once you leave the house? Where are you going? Are people in your home in conflict? Do you feel safer when you leave? Most importantly, reflect on what may be behind the reason for your wanting to leave the house and feeling not in control of your actions? \'a0Talk to someone about what's going on, because maybe that person could help you create the movement you are seeking.", |
How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? | "Where do you go and what is your reason to go wherever this is?Try to understand these reasons because the answers may give you good guidance as to other ways to get what \'a0 it is your trying to reach by sneaking from your home at night.If for example, you're sneaking out because your parents are arguing and you feel hurt by this and want to escape hearing their arguments, then you can come up with other ways to hear less of their arguments.If you sneak out bc your parents restrict your friends or time to socialize with your friends, and your friends are doing legal and safe behaviors, then maybe you could do some socializing online w them.Also, I wonder the reason why either of your parents isn't aware that you leave the house. \'a0Do you feel your parent would offer and would you ask your parent to give their suggestions so you feel more motivated to stay home?", | "This is not totally unusual behavior, but the fact that you would like to stop and cannot seem to be able to points to something deeper. That cannot be unpacked online, but I'm glad that you're in this space and asking this question. Try to find a therapist who seems like a good fit and begin to get to work on this issue and what all is going on for you. You're not alone!", |
What's going on with these mood swings?"I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. Can you explain what's going on?" | "Teenagers are prone to mood swings due to developmental and hormonal changes that are rapidly and intensely occurring in your body and mind - so some of this happens to many people in your stage of development. You are not at all alone.You've taken the first and very important step in regulating your moods by just identifying that you are having these intense changes instead of being completely submerged in them and unaware! The more you are able to be a witness to your emotions and thoughts, the more you can learn to manage them. Your question offers several clues for strategies that you can try - for example, identify the warning signs for becoming irritated and plan a response, such as taking a deep breath, informing the person you are becoming irritated and need some space, or find a distraction temporarily like listening to music or going for a walk. Since you are aware of blaming others for things not working out, you can proactively make a personal commitment to taking ownership or personal responsibility by just thinking about it and practicing thoughts such as ""I am responsible for my efforts"" and ""Blame is not helpful for anyone"" and other thoughts that you believe and can repeat related to this insight. When you practice thinking more rational, healthy thoughts, you are actually rewiring your brain, so practice is key!", | "Why do you blame other people who had nothing to do with your actions?If it is because after the fact you wish you had accepted their help, then the person who is responsible for this is you!Since you are aware of your tendencies and how the interfere with your life, try to become aware of when you do these habits.This way you can interrupt your own patterns a little bit at a time.", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Voices and dreams could be suppressed feelings or thoughts that result from negative experiences. \'a0Many times when people go to trough traumatic incidents or changes in their lives without being equipped to manage them and as a result they start having similar symptoms. It is helpful to find a therapist to talk to about those dreams and voices, once you get them out, you could analyze the concerns and fears that they reflect and normalize them, which will also be a good time to discuss their source, if any traumatic event has occurred in your life.\'a0 Also, I recommend to journal your dreams, especially if they keep you awake at night, and meditate after, so you could go back to sleep.\'a0\'a0 \'bfC\'f3mo puedo hacer que los sue\'f1os y las voces desaparezcan?Durante las \'faltimas cuatro semanas he estado teniendo pesadillas y escuchando voces que me dicen cosas horribles.\'a0 No son voces que hablan al azar, pero voces de las personas que me importan.Las voces y los sue\'f1os pueden ser sentimientos supresos o pensamientos que resultan de experiencias negativas.\'a0 Muchas veces estos s\'edntomas surgen cuando las personas pasan por situaciones traum\'e1ticas o cambios que no estaban preparados para enfrentar.\'a0 Es \'fatil encontrar a un terapeuta con quien puedas hablar de esos sue\'f1os y voces, y aprender a normalizar el contenido de los mismos.\'a0 Tambi\'e9n ser\'eda un buen momento para discutir cualquier situaci\'f3n traum\'e1tica que te haya ocurrido. Adem\'e1s te sugiero que escribas tus sue\'f1os, especialmente si te mantienen despierto\'a0 en la noche, y que medites luego de escribirlos para que puedas volver a dormir.", | "I would recommend that you talk with a mental health professional near you about the details so you can have some really specific support for what you are going through.I don't know if you can understand when the voices are saying, but I wonder how you feel about what you are hearing? If the voices are just at night, is it possible that they are part of a nightmare or a dream?\'a0If you recall your nightmares, consider writing them down so that you can remember their content and work with a mental health professional to look for patterns.One thing that may help you while you are awake is to try to stay connected to the room you're in. For example, take time to notice your feet on the floor, hips in the chair, and shoulders against the back of the chair. You can also try mindfulness techniques, such as noticing what is around you or changing your breathing patterns. These ideas may help in the meantime prior to having more specific ideas from someone near you.Thanks for reaching out!", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Are you in the middle of extreme emotional pressure right now?Or, is someone with whom you're close, under stress or somehow suffering?Dreams and nightmares are when our feelings and pressures we feel, try working themselves out without logic and language.Even though the nightmares are horrible, they are one way your psyche is trying to come to terms w extraordinary difficulty in your life or someone's life whom you feel greatly attached.", | "I would recommend that you talk with a mental health professional near you about the details so you can have some really specific support for what you are going through.I don't know if you can understand when the voices are saying, but I wonder how you feel about what you are hearing? If the voices are just at night, is it possible that they are part of a nightmare or a dream?\'a0If you recall your nightmares, consider writing them down so that you can remember their content and work with a mental health professional to look for patterns.One thing that may help you while you are awake is to try to stay connected to the room you're in. For example, take time to notice your feet on the floor, hips in the chair, and shoulders against the back of the chair. You can also try mindfulness techniques, such as noticing what is around you or changing your breathing patterns. These ideas may help in the meantime prior to having more specific ideas from someone near you.Thanks for reaching out!", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "It's important to take a look inside and find out why you are experiencing these feelings. It could anything and it will change your life to know what your particular issue or trigger is. Please contact us a call with the method that is most comfortable for you.", | "I would recommend that you talk with a mental health professional near you about the details so you can have some really specific support for what you are going through.I don't know if you can understand when the voices are saying, but I wonder how you feel about what you are hearing? If the voices are just at night, is it possible that they are part of a nightmare or a dream?\'a0If you recall your nightmares, consider writing them down so that you can remember their content and work with a mental health professional to look for patterns.One thing that may help you while you are awake is to try to stay connected to the room you're in. For example, take time to notice your feet on the floor, hips in the chair, and shoulders against the back of the chair. You can also try mindfulness techniques, such as noticing what is around you or changing your breathing patterns. These ideas may help in the meantime prior to having more specific ideas from someone near you.Thanks for reaching out!", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away.\'a0 If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening.", | "I would recommend that you talk with a mental health professional near you about the details so you can have some really specific support for what you are going through.I don't know if you can understand when the voices are saying, but I wonder how you feel about what you are hearing? If the voices are just at night, is it possible that they are part of a nightmare or a dream?\'a0If you recall your nightmares, consider writing them down so that you can remember their content and work with a mental health professional to look for patterns.One thing that may help you while you are awake is to try to stay connected to the room you're in. For example, take time to notice your feet on the floor, hips in the chair, and shoulders against the back of the chair. You can also try mindfulness techniques, such as noticing what is around you or changing your breathing patterns. These ideas may help in the meantime prior to having more specific ideas from someone near you.Thanks for reaching out!", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Are you in the middle of extreme emotional pressure right now?Or, is someone with whom you're close, under stress or somehow suffering?Dreams and nightmares are when our feelings and pressures we feel, try working themselves out without logic and language.Even though the nightmares are horrible, they are one way your psyche is trying to come to terms w extraordinary difficulty in your life or someone's life whom you feel greatly attached.", | "Voices and dreams could be suppressed feelings or thoughts that result from negative experiences. \'a0Many times when people go to trough traumatic incidents or changes in their lives without being equipped to manage them and as a result they start having similar symptoms. It is helpful to find a therapist to talk to about those dreams and voices, once you get them out, you could analyze the concerns and fears that they reflect and normalize them, which will also be a good time to discuss their source, if any traumatic event has occurred in your life.\'a0 Also, I recommend to journal your dreams, especially if they keep you awake at night, and meditate after, so you could go back to sleep.\'a0\'a0 \'bfC\'f3mo puedo hacer que los sue\'f1os y las voces desaparezcan?Durante las \'faltimas cuatro semanas he estado teniendo pesadillas y escuchando voces que me dicen cosas horribles.\'a0 No son voces que hablan al azar, pero voces de las personas que me importan.Las voces y los sue\'f1os pueden ser sentimientos supresos o pensamientos que resultan de experiencias negativas.\'a0 Muchas veces estos s\'edntomas surgen cuando las personas pasan por situaciones traum\'e1ticas o cambios que no estaban preparados para enfrentar.\'a0 Es \'fatil encontrar a un terapeuta con quien puedas hablar de esos sue\'f1os y voces, y aprender a normalizar el contenido de los mismos.\'a0 Tambi\'e9n ser\'eda un buen momento para discutir cualquier situaci\'f3n traum\'e1tica que te haya ocurrido. Adem\'e1s te sugiero que escribas tus sue\'f1os, especialmente si te mantienen despierto\'a0 en la noche, y que medites luego de escribirlos para que puedas volver a dormir.", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Voices and dreams could be suppressed feelings or thoughts that result from negative experiences. \'a0Many times when people go to trough traumatic incidents or changes in their lives without being equipped to manage them and as a result they start having similar symptoms. It is helpful to find a therapist to talk to about those dreams and voices, once you get them out, you could analyze the concerns and fears that they reflect and normalize them, which will also be a good time to discuss their source, if any traumatic event has occurred in your life.\'a0 Also, I recommend to journal your dreams, especially if they keep you awake at night, and meditate after, so you could go back to sleep.\'a0\'a0 \'bfC\'f3mo puedo hacer que los sue\'f1os y las voces desaparezcan?Durante las \'faltimas cuatro semanas he estado teniendo pesadillas y escuchando voces que me dicen cosas horribles.\'a0 No son voces que hablan al azar, pero voces de las personas que me importan.Las voces y los sue\'f1os pueden ser sentimientos supresos o pensamientos que resultan de experiencias negativas.\'a0 Muchas veces estos s\'edntomas surgen cuando las personas pasan por situaciones traum\'e1ticas o cambios que no estaban preparados para enfrentar.\'a0 Es \'fatil encontrar a un terapeuta con quien puedas hablar de esos sue\'f1os y voces, y aprender a normalizar el contenido de los mismos.\'a0 Tambi\'e9n ser\'eda un buen momento para discutir cualquier situaci\'f3n traum\'e1tica que te haya ocurrido. Adem\'e1s te sugiero que escribas tus sue\'f1os, especialmente si te mantienen despierto\'a0 en la noche, y que medites luego de escribirlos para que puedas volver a dormir.", | "It's important to take a look inside and find out why you are experiencing these feelings. It could anything and it will change your life to know what your particular issue or trigger is. Please contact us a call with the method that is most comfortable for you.", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away.\'a0 If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening.", | "Voices and dreams could be suppressed feelings or thoughts that result from negative experiences. \'a0Many times when people go to trough traumatic incidents or changes in their lives without being equipped to manage them and as a result they start having similar symptoms. It is helpful to find a therapist to talk to about those dreams and voices, once you get them out, you could analyze the concerns and fears that they reflect and normalize them, which will also be a good time to discuss their source, if any traumatic event has occurred in your life.\'a0 Also, I recommend to journal your dreams, especially if they keep you awake at night, and meditate after, so you could go back to sleep.\'a0\'a0 \'bfC\'f3mo puedo hacer que los sue\'f1os y las voces desaparezcan?Durante las \'faltimas cuatro semanas he estado teniendo pesadillas y escuchando voces que me dicen cosas horribles.\'a0 No son voces que hablan al azar, pero voces de las personas que me importan.Las voces y los sue\'f1os pueden ser sentimientos supresos o pensamientos que resultan de experiencias negativas.\'a0 Muchas veces estos s\'edntomas surgen cuando las personas pasan por situaciones traum\'e1ticas o cambios que no estaban preparados para enfrentar.\'a0 Es \'fatil encontrar a un terapeuta con quien puedas hablar de esos sue\'f1os y voces, y aprender a normalizar el contenido de los mismos.\'a0 Tambi\'e9n ser\'eda un buen momento para discutir cualquier situaci\'f3n traum\'e1tica que te haya ocurrido. Adem\'e1s te sugiero que escribas tus sue\'f1os, especialmente si te mantienen despierto\'a0 en la noche, y que medites luego de escribirlos para que puedas volver a dormir.", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Are you in the middle of extreme emotional pressure right now?Or, is someone with whom you're close, under stress or somehow suffering?Dreams and nightmares are when our feelings and pressures we feel, try working themselves out without logic and language.Even though the nightmares are horrible, they are one way your psyche is trying to come to terms w extraordinary difficulty in your life or someone's life whom you feel greatly attached.", | "It's important to take a look inside and find out why you are experiencing these feelings. It could anything and it will change your life to know what your particular issue or trigger is. Please contact us a call with the method that is most comfortable for you.", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Are you in the middle of extreme emotional pressure right now?Or, is someone with whom you're close, under stress or somehow suffering?Dreams and nightmares are when our feelings and pressures we feel, try working themselves out without logic and language.Even though the nightmares are horrible, they are one way your psyche is trying to come to terms w extraordinary difficulty in your life or someone's life whom you feel greatly attached.", | "Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away.\'a0 If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening.", |
How can I make the dreams and voices go away?"For the past four weeks I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices but rather the voices of those I care about." | "Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away.\'a0 If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening.", | "It's important to take a look inside and find out why you are experiencing these feelings. It could anything and it will change your life to know what your particular issue or trigger is. Please contact us a call with the method that is most comfortable for you.", |
What is a psychotic seizure?My doctor seems to think I am in danger of having one. I neglected to ask how this was different than an episode. I have been formally diagnosed with bipolar type . | "The best path is to ask your doctor what s/he meant when telling you about your high risk for psychotic seizure.Your doctor knows you better than any of the therapists who write on this blog. \'a0 And, because your doctor knows your health, will likely have suggestions and advice for you regarding the seizures s/he thinks you may develop.", | "I will admit that I'm not specifically familiar with this from my own experience.My best educated guess is that you could have a seizure during which you have some sort of symptoms similar to a hallucination (which is one of the psychotic symptoms) when you hear or see things that aren't really there.In looking briefly online, I was able to find some information here:\'a0 |
"How can I get ""out of my head"" and stop obsessive thoughts?""Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?" | "There are some great thoughts offered by others here.\'a0I would just add that typically the most natural response to fearful thoughts is to want to stop, avoid, or get rid of them - which doesn't work if you're really caught up in a cycle of OCD or other form of anxiety.\'a0In the long run, the more effective thing to do is the harder and less intuitive option: to have those uncomfortable thoughts on purpose.\'a0This may mean writing out in detail what the worst case fear you are thinking of is, and then reading it over and over again until it becomes boring. It may also mean pausing through the course of the day to merely observe all the thoughts going on, and realizing that thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not the same as reality, and the unpleasant ones can become a lot less scary when we realize we can coexist with them without them coming true.", | "Such a great question! I'm so sorry you are struggling! You may be experiencing Intrusive thoughts. \'a0These are thoughts that seem to come from no where and victimize us. \'a0I can strongly recommend a book called ""When Panic Attacks"" by Dr. David Burns. \'a0It helps you to identify the thoughts, and the help you create ways to counteract them! \'a0There is another technique, called Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping can be as simple as saying ""Stop!"" loudly (if you are alone) or in your head, if you are in public. \'a0It's a quick way to distract you from the distressing thought, and allow you to refocus. \'a0I recommend using this technique, followed by some deep breathing, while visualizing something that helps you feel relaxed (a favorite place, a pet, etc.). \'a0These three things in conjunction can be of great assistance.\'a0One key component in addressing anxious thinking is building the skill of relaxation. \'a0I recommend an App called Headspace which teaches relaxation through some simple guided mediation. Super easy to do, and a great way to begin to build relaxation skills. \'a0Plenty of sleep and reducing caffeine intake can also be things to explore. Hope this helps!", |
"How can I get ""out of my head"" and stop obsessive thoughts?""Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?" | "There are some great thoughts offered by others here.\'a0I would just add that typically the most natural response to fearful thoughts is to want to stop, avoid, or get rid of them - which doesn't work if you're really caught up in a cycle of OCD or other form of anxiety.\'a0In the long run, the more effective thing to do is the harder and less intuitive option: to have those uncomfortable thoughts on purpose.\'a0This may mean writing out in detail what the worst case fear you are thinking of is, and then reading it over and over again until it becomes boring. It may also mean pausing through the course of the day to merely observe all the thoughts going on, and realizing that thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not the same as reality, and the unpleasant ones can become a lot less scary when we realize we can coexist with them without them coming true.", | "Hi there,I first want to let you know that having these thoughts is completely normal. Studies have been done that show that 80% of human thoughts are ""negative"" so you are not alone.\'a0I like to think of thoughts as a tornado... if you are in a tornado, you are completely consumed by it and it is nearly impossible to do anything beneficial. However, when you are, let's say, a mile away from a tornado, it is still scary but you have the option to do something that is important to you such as get shelter or make sure your family and friends are safe.\'a0When unhelpful or scary thoughts arise, we tend to start a ""war"" with them, which is the equivalent of jumping into the tornado. This makes the thoughts and emotions bigger and intensifies the feelings that go with them.\'a0So the question I imagine you have is ""how do I get out of the tornado?"" There are 3 steps to doing this:Get distance from your thoughts by adding ""I am noticing I'm having the thought that...."" to the front of them. For example, ""I am noticing I am having the thought that something bad is going to happen to me.""\'a0 \'a0The purpose of this is not to decrease your fear or get rid of the thought. These thoughts might always be there and that is okay because that is how the mind naturally works so struggling with that is a waste of time and energy. The purpose is to gain some distance from the thoughts so you don't get swept away by them. You can imagine them floating along like leaves in a stream or clouds in the sky (and often the same thought will come back again and again but that's okay... just continue to notice it with curiosity). I imagine the thoughts get in your way of doing what really matters to you so if you can get a little bit of distance, you can do things that are fulfilling and meaningful to you.\'a0Tune into your body and notice what sensations come up and where you feel them most intensely. Then breathe into them and make room for them. Our 5 main emotions are: joy, sadness, fear/anxiety, shame, and anger. ALL of these emotions are part of being human and there is no escaping them. So again, struggling with them ends up intensifying them. Instead, let them be and make a little bit of room for them. Often a side effect of this is the intensity will decrease but it might not. The purpose is to keep them from becoming more intense.\'a0Contact the present moment. Notice what is happening here and now. One way of doing this is tuning into the five senses. What are some things you hear, see, taste, smell, and feel? Another way is to notice what is happening in your body (without trying to change it). How deep are your breaths, what is happening with your heart rate, are you cold/warm, etc?Implementing these three steps can help you to refrain from getting caught up in your unhelpful thoughts. Unfortunately there is no way to get rid of thoughts or feelings completely. So the only option that works in the long run is to accept them while continuing to do what matters to you and what is fulfilling to you.I hope this helps!", |
"How can I get ""out of my head"" and stop obsessive thoughts?""Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?" | "There are some great thoughts offered by others here.\'a0I would just add that typically the most natural response to fearful thoughts is to want to stop, avoid, or get rid of them - which doesn't work if you're really caught up in a cycle of OCD or other form of anxiety.\'a0In the long run, the more effective thing to do is the harder and less intuitive option: to have those uncomfortable thoughts on purpose.\'a0This may mean writing out in detail what the worst case fear you are thinking of is, and then reading it over and over again until it becomes boring. It may also mean pausing through the course of the day to merely observe all the thoughts going on, and realizing that thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not the same as reality, and the unpleasant ones can become a lot less scary when we realize we can coexist with them without them coming true.", | "I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind.None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming.What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability.Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life.Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them. \'a0When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution. \'a0 Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable.I hope this helps you at least a little bit!", |
"How can I get ""out of my head"" and stop obsessive thoughts?""Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?" | "Such a great question! I'm so sorry you are struggling! You may be experiencing Intrusive thoughts. \'a0These are thoughts that seem to come from no where and victimize us. \'a0I can strongly recommend a book called ""When Panic Attacks"" by Dr. David Burns. \'a0It helps you to identify the thoughts, and the help you create ways to counteract them! \'a0There is another technique, called Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping can be as simple as saying ""Stop!"" loudly (if you are alone) or in your head, if you are in public. \'a0It's a quick way to distract you from the distressing thought, and allow you to refocus. \'a0I recommend using this technique, followed by some deep breathing, while visualizing something that helps you feel relaxed (a favorite place, a pet, etc.). \'a0These three things in conjunction can be of great assistance.\'a0One key component in addressing anxious thinking is building the skill of relaxation. \'a0I recommend an App called Headspace which teaches relaxation through some simple guided mediation. Super easy to do, and a great way to begin to build relaxation skills. \'a0Plenty of sleep and reducing caffeine intake can also be things to explore. Hope this helps!", | "Hi there,I first want to let you know that having these thoughts is completely normal. Studies have been done that show that 80% of human thoughts are ""negative"" so you are not alone.\'a0I like to think of thoughts as a tornado... if you are in a tornado, you are completely consumed by it and it is nearly impossible to do anything beneficial. However, when you are, let's say, a mile away from a tornado, it is still scary but you have the option to do something that is important to you such as get shelter or make sure your family and friends are safe.\'a0When unhelpful or scary thoughts arise, we tend to start a ""war"" with them, which is the equivalent of jumping into the tornado. This makes the thoughts and emotions bigger and intensifies the feelings that go with them.\'a0So the question I imagine you have is ""how do I get out of the tornado?"" There are 3 steps to doing this:Get distance from your thoughts by adding ""I am noticing I'm having the thought that...."" to the front of them. For example, ""I am noticing I am having the thought that something bad is going to happen to me.""\'a0 \'a0The purpose of this is not to decrease your fear or get rid of the thought. These thoughts might always be there and that is okay because that is how the mind naturally works so struggling with that is a waste of time and energy. The purpose is to gain some distance from the thoughts so you don't get swept away by them. You can imagine them floating along like leaves in a stream or clouds in the sky (and often the same thought will come back again and again but that's okay... just continue to notice it with curiosity). I imagine the thoughts get in your way of doing what really matters to you so if you can get a little bit of distance, you can do things that are fulfilling and meaningful to you.\'a0Tune into your body and notice what sensations come up and where you feel them most intensely. Then breathe into them and make room for them. Our 5 main emotions are: joy, sadness, fear/anxiety, shame, and anger. ALL of these emotions are part of being human and there is no escaping them. So again, struggling with them ends up intensifying them. Instead, let them be and make a little bit of room for them. Often a side effect of this is the intensity will decrease but it might not. The purpose is to keep them from becoming more intense.\'a0Contact the present moment. Notice what is happening here and now. One way of doing this is tuning into the five senses. What are some things you hear, see, taste, smell, and feel? Another way is to notice what is happening in your body (without trying to change it). How deep are your breaths, what is happening with your heart rate, are you cold/warm, etc?Implementing these three steps can help you to refrain from getting caught up in your unhelpful thoughts. Unfortunately there is no way to get rid of thoughts or feelings completely. So the only option that works in the long run is to accept them while continuing to do what matters to you and what is fulfilling to you.I hope this helps!", |
"How can I get ""out of my head"" and stop obsessive thoughts?""Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?" | "Such a great question! I'm so sorry you are struggling! You may be experiencing Intrusive thoughts. \'a0These are thoughts that seem to come from no where and victimize us. \'a0I can strongly recommend a book called ""When Panic Attacks"" by Dr. David Burns. \'a0It helps you to identify the thoughts, and the help you create ways to counteract them! \'a0There is another technique, called Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping can be as simple as saying ""Stop!"" loudly (if you are alone) or in your head, if you are in public. \'a0It's a quick way to distract you from the distressing thought, and allow you to refocus. \'a0I recommend using this technique, followed by some deep breathing, while visualizing something that helps you feel relaxed (a favorite place, a pet, etc.). \'a0These three things in conjunction can be of great assistance.\'a0One key component in addressing anxious thinking is building the skill of relaxation. \'a0I recommend an App called Headspace which teaches relaxation through some simple guided mediation. Super easy to do, and a great way to begin to build relaxation skills. \'a0Plenty of sleep and reducing caffeine intake can also be things to explore. Hope this helps!", | "I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind.None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming.What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability.Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life.Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them. \'a0When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution. \'a0 Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable.I hope this helps you at least a little bit!", |
"How can I get ""out of my head"" and stop obsessive thoughts?""Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?" | "Hi there,I first want to let you know that having these thoughts is completely normal. Studies have been done that show that 80% of human thoughts are ""negative"" so you are not alone.\'a0I like to think of thoughts as a tornado... if you are in a tornado, you are completely consumed by it and it is nearly impossible to do anything beneficial. However, when you are, let's say, a mile away from a tornado, it is still scary but you have the option to do something that is important to you such as get shelter or make sure your family and friends are safe.\'a0When unhelpful or scary thoughts arise, we tend to start a ""war"" with them, which is the equivalent of jumping into the tornado. This makes the thoughts and emotions bigger and intensifies the feelings that go with them.\'a0So the question I imagine you have is ""how do I get out of the tornado?"" There are 3 steps to doing this:Get distance from your thoughts by adding ""I am noticing I'm having the thought that...."" to the front of them. For example, ""I am noticing I am having the thought that something bad is going to happen to me.""\'a0 \'a0The purpose of this is not to decrease your fear or get rid of the thought. These thoughts might always be there and that is okay because that is how the mind naturally works so struggling with that is a waste of time and energy. The purpose is to gain some distance from the thoughts so you don't get swept away by them. You can imagine them floating along like leaves in a stream or clouds in the sky (and often the same thought will come back again and again but that's okay... just continue to notice it with curiosity). I imagine the thoughts get in your way of doing what really matters to you so if you can get a little bit of distance, you can do things that are fulfilling and meaningful to you.\'a0Tune into your body and notice what sensations come up and where you feel them most intensely. Then breathe into them and make room for them. Our 5 main emotions are: joy, sadness, fear/anxiety, shame, and anger. ALL of these emotions are part of being human and there is no escaping them. So again, struggling with them ends up intensifying them. Instead, let them be and make a little bit of room for them. Often a side effect of this is the intensity will decrease but it might not. The purpose is to keep them from becoming more intense.\'a0Contact the present moment. Notice what is happening here and now. One way of doing this is tuning into the five senses. What are some things you hear, see, taste, smell, and feel? Another way is to notice what is happening in your body (without trying to change it). How deep are your breaths, what is happening with your heart rate, are you cold/warm, etc?Implementing these three steps can help you to refrain from getting caught up in your unhelpful thoughts. Unfortunately there is no way to get rid of thoughts or feelings completely. So the only option that works in the long run is to accept them while continuing to do what matters to you and what is fulfilling to you.I hope this helps!", | "I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind.None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming.What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability.Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life.Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them. \'a0When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution. \'a0 Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable.I hope this helps you at least a little bit!", |
How does counseling end?How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client? | "Hopefully both the client and counselor would together decide when to terminate counseling sessions. It's really helpful for the client to leave counseling with a solid sense of what he or she has accomplished in counseling, so it can be a good idea to spend some time acknowledging that in the last session or sessions. Sometimes, however, a client has needs beyond the scope of the counselor's expertise. That's a good time for a conversation about those needs and ideas of \'a0how best to meet them, whether by adding in care with an additional mental health professional or transferring care entirely to a new mental health provider.", | "Hello. The end of the counselor/client relationship is one of mutual respect and engagement. Counseling sessions can end for any number of reasons. Among them are the client's inability to make forward progress in therapy; the clinician's inability to help the client (for a variety of reasons); a mutually agreed upon time frame for a number of sessions to be provided; or the financial challenges of the client who decides that they need to put their resources elsewhere. In this last case, a counselor should never cancel sessions with a client simply on the basis of the client's inability to pay. That is traditionally seen as an unethical practice. Other arrangements can be made to provide care to the client, which in itself should be paramount.When the client and therapist decide that services are done, it is best if there is at least one or two more sessions to allow a case file review to occur, and to bring an appropriate psychological sense of closure to the client (and vicariously to the clinician as well, those this is perhaps not as important). This transition gives both a sense of having reached the end of a journey...rather than some abrupt departure from it. (An abrupt ending in therapy can have a varying level of impact both emotionally and psychologically on the client and therapist). Sometimes the closure of therapy is the result of a program of therapy being formally completed, in which there is a mutually known (albeit perhaps approximate) date of when that program will be finished. In this case, the client is likely feeling that impending closure and has time to prepare mentally and emotionally from a place of being the client in therapy, to a place of healing, growth and situational resolution.I have always worked in therapy with the following slogan (if you will), that I learned years ago during graduate school: ""Not every therapist is good for every client, and not every client is good for every therapist."" It is perhaps one of the most important guiding views I hold in working with clients. The therapeutic relationship is driven by mutuality - the desire of the client to get better at living life, and the therapist's desire to truly see the client heal and grow. When there is a block in this process from either side that prevents that synergy from occurring, the relationship that should be established may not be able to form. Or, if already formed, may at some point be unable to move forward. In these instances, referring the client to another type of service or clinician is appropriate. Usually, this can be seen pretty quickly by either party, though sometimes it is not always clear.Ultimately, the client and counselor need to work together to discover if the needs of the client (which is paramount) are being met in the therapeutic engagement with their current counselor, or if other arrangements need to be made to go elsewhere. If both are observant in this process, they can work together to maintain that sacred space and continue to reach the goals that have been set. Eventually, therapy will end, but hopefully based on the client's successful journey to the place where they wanted to go, and thus opening the next chapters of their life to a space that is more whole and brighter.", |
How does counseling end?How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client? | "Hello. The end of the counselor/client relationship is one of mutual respect and engagement. Counseling sessions can end for any number of reasons. Among them are the client's inability to make forward progress in therapy; the clinician's inability to help the client (for a variety of reasons); a mutually agreed upon time frame for a number of sessions to be provided; or the financial challenges of the client who decides that they need to put their resources elsewhere. In this last case, a counselor should never cancel sessions with a client simply on the basis of the client's inability to pay. That is traditionally seen as an unethical practice. Other arrangements can be made to provide care to the client, which in itself should be paramount.When the client and therapist decide that services are done, it is best if there is at least one or two more sessions to allow a case file review to occur, and to bring an appropriate psychological sense of closure to the client (and vicariously to the clinician as well, those this is perhaps not as important). This transition gives both a sense of having reached the end of a journey...rather than some abrupt departure from it. (An abrupt ending in therapy can have a varying level of impact both emotionally and psychologically on the client and therapist). Sometimes the closure of therapy is the result of a program of therapy being formally completed, in which there is a mutually known (albeit perhaps approximate) date of when that program will be finished. In this case, the client is likely feeling that impending closure and has time to prepare mentally and emotionally from a place of being the client in therapy, to a place of healing, growth and situational resolution.I have always worked in therapy with the following slogan (if you will), that I learned years ago during graduate school: ""Not every therapist is good for every client, and not every client is good for every therapist."" It is perhaps one of the most important guiding views I hold in working with clients. The therapeutic relationship is driven by mutuality - the desire of the client to get better at living life, and the therapist's desire to truly see the client heal and grow. When there is a block in this process from either side that prevents that synergy from occurring, the relationship that should be established may not be able to form. Or, if already formed, may at some point be unable to move forward. In these instances, referring the client to another type of service or clinician is appropriate. Usually, this can be seen pretty quickly by either party, though sometimes it is not always clear.Ultimately, the client and counselor need to work together to discover if the needs of the client (which is paramount) are being met in the therapeutic engagement with their current counselor, or if other arrangements need to be made to go elsewhere. If both are observant in this process, they can work together to maintain that sacred space and continue to reach the goals that have been set. Eventually, therapy will end, but hopefully based on the client's successful journey to the place where they wanted to go, and thus opening the next chapters of their life to a space that is more whole and brighter.", | "There are different reasons why a counselor may seek to terminate with a client and these will each have different processes by which the counselor will come to that decision. Here are a few examples.\'a0The counselor may determine that the client's needs are outside what the counselor is competent to be able to work with. A person may have come to the counselor talking about a particular issue but either when they first met or as counseling progressed, it may become clear that the issue is in fact something different or that there is an additional related issue. If that issue is outside the competence of the counselor, the counselor should look for alternatives, the most common of which would be to terminate and refer. Beyond clinical issues, this could also come up around particular other related facts, such as the culture of the client or linguistic issues. This could also be the choice of the counselor if they know someone that they feel would be a better match for the client's issues.\'a0Another reason for discharge (and possible referral) would be if the relationship does not seem to be a good fit. No counselor is the right person to work with everyone. If the right level of connection is not happening, the counselor will often look first at what they are doing, might talk about it with the client and ultimately will admit that things don't seem to be working to allow the desired therapeutic process to work. A similar process would be followed if the counselor determined that the client might not yet be ready for counseling as evidenced by lack of engagement such as frequent cancellations, not doing any agreed on work between sessions, showing up late or being really guarded in session.\'a0The easiest situation to decide on is when a person has met their counseling goals and have nothing new that they are working on. While this is the easiest one to determine, it is also probably the hardest one for the counselor as they may be like the client in not wanting the relationship to come to an end. However, counselors know that this is part of the process. They will also determine this by regularly reviewing the treatment plan or by sending in the sessions that the work has come to an end. This type of termination maybe final or may be with the intent that the client will return later to address other things that have been identified but for which they are not ready to move into.\'a0All of these (and other) situations involves the counselor being open to the relationship ending, to monitoring how things are going, then engaging in self reflection, possibly talking with the client and then coming to a conclusion on which the counselor \'a0follows through.", |
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