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What makes a good marriage?What makes a healthy marriage last? | "In my mind, a healthy marriage has two participants, meaning both people participate equally in the intimate connection of marriage. An unequal participation comes in many forms, such as one person checking out of conversations when it becomes emotional, or speaking over and for each other in these conversations. Couple\'92s should strive for engagement and support, but doing it in a way that works for each person individually. I hope this helps.", | "This answer varies based on you relationship. However, I do believe their are some basic fundamental areas that are beneficial for a healthy marriage:1.) Effective Communication2.) Trust3.) Love/Passion4.) Loyalty.\'a05.) Unconditional Positive Regard.\'a0Everyone has their favorite qualities they feel best fit a marriage. However, these are what I think are great starting points.", |
What makes a good marriage?What makes a healthy marriage last? | "I appreciate your question.The answer of what makes a ""good marriage"" are as varied as there are marriages.Basically, similarity, like mindedness in beliefs and values, makes a good marriage.\'a0The best chance of getting along with someone on a longterm basis is when two people see life and the world in similar ways.Even though ""opposites attract"" this is a short lived dynamic which breaks apart when there aren't enough similarities in common between the partners.", | "This answer varies based on you relationship. However, I do believe their are some basic fundamental areas that are beneficial for a healthy marriage:1.) Effective Communication2.) Trust3.) Love/Passion4.) Loyalty.\'a05.) Unconditional Positive Regard.\'a0Everyone has their favorite qualities they feel best fit a marriage. However, these are what I think are great starting points.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband.\'a0Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: ""why don't you..."" ""you aren't..."" ""you don't..."" Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack. \'a0Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another. \'a0If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you.", | "Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying. \'a0since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner. \'a0This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be ""heard.""I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship.One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on.\'a0Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach:Pay attention and use your body language to convey that you are in the conversation. No texting or distractions. Lean in. Focus.Listen for content and for emotion. Clarify what you don't understand. Try to understand the person's underlying emotions.\'a0Don't rush to judgement or to changing what is going on with the person. Sit in a place where you are really curious and want to understand what is going on.\'a0Encourage the other person to continue speaking, Nod and vocalize that you hear what they are saying.Ask questions to get to understand the other person's point of view.I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills.Best of luck to you!", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Does your husband want to listen to you?Find this out by asking him the question!This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible.Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves.If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define ""listening"", which may be very different than his definition.Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded.What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one.", | "Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying. \'a0since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner. \'a0This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be ""heard.""I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship.One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on.\'a0Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach:Pay attention and use your body language to convey that you are in the conversation. No texting or distractions. Lean in. Focus.Listen for content and for emotion. Clarify what you don't understand. Try to understand the person's underlying emotions.\'a0Don't rush to judgement or to changing what is going on with the person. Sit in a place where you are really curious and want to understand what is going on.\'a0Encourage the other person to continue speaking, Nod and vocalize that you hear what they are saying.Ask questions to get to understand the other person's point of view.I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills.Best of luck to you!", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!", | "Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying. \'a0since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner. \'a0This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be ""heard.""I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship.One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on.\'a0Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach:Pay attention and use your body language to convey that you are in the conversation. No texting or distractions. Lean in. Focus.Listen for content and for emotion. Clarify what you don't understand. Try to understand the person's underlying emotions.\'a0Don't rush to judgement or to changing what is going on with the person. Sit in a place where you are really curious and want to understand what is going on.\'a0Encourage the other person to continue speaking, Nod and vocalize that you hear what they are saying.Ask questions to get to understand the other person's point of view.I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills.Best of luck to you!", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying. \'a0since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner. \'a0This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be ""heard.""I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship.One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on.\'a0Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach:Pay attention and use your body language to convey that you are in the conversation. No texting or distractions. Lean in. Focus.Listen for content and for emotion. Clarify what you don't understand. Try to understand the person's underlying emotions.\'a0Don't rush to judgement or to changing what is going on with the person. Sit in a place where you are really curious and want to understand what is going on.\'a0Encourage the other person to continue speaking, Nod and vocalize that you hear what they are saying.Ask questions to get to understand the other person's point of view.I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills.Best of luck to you!", | "Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples:Remember that you can only guarantee change in yourself. You can ask him to make changes, but you can't control whether he does or not. You can control your reactions and what you do about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the relationship.If you're going to talk about something important or you really want him to listen, first ask whether this is a good time.Try to talk to him without blaming, finger-pointing, or asking him to change (this can be difficult, but it also opens a lot of doors for effective discussions).Be mindful of your packaging. By that, I mean that you may have a very important message that you're trying to get across. If you able to say it in a way that is clear and wrapped in such a way that he can hear what you're actually saying, that is helpful. If you are talking in ways that are angry, or as I sometimes say, wrapped in spikes, that can be difficult to hear and receive. Rather than hearing what you're actually trying to get across, he may just hear the fact that you are angry.If your husband is able to listen to you and/or restate what you are saying and get it right or close to right, let him know what that feels like to you and how important it is.If you're asking questions, try to avoid ""why"" question and use ""what makes, how, when, where, who"" instead. Questions starting with ""why"" can not only be difficult to answer, but can also trigger a lot of emotions that some people are not ready to deal with right away.Also, keep in mind that listening and being able to reflect what you are saying does not imply agreement. This may be something that would be good to discuss with your husband \'96 just because he is hearing what you're saying doesn't mean that he's agreeing with you.Lastly, but importantly, some people really don't know how to listen effectively. There are people who just are not taught to do that until much later in their lives. Sometimes listening to someone can actually be very vulnerability-producing. It may be helpful to ask your husband if he knows what makes him struggle with being able to listen if you notice that he's really struggling.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying. \'a0since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner. \'a0This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be ""heard.""I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship.One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on.\'a0Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach:Pay attention and use your body language to convey that you are in the conversation. No texting or distractions. Lean in. Focus.Listen for content and for emotion. Clarify what you don't understand. Try to understand the person's underlying emotions.\'a0Don't rush to judgement or to changing what is going on with the person. Sit in a place where you are really curious and want to understand what is going on.\'a0Encourage the other person to continue speaking, Nod and vocalize that you hear what they are saying.Ask questions to get to understand the other person's point of view.I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills.Best of luck to you!", | "Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel? \'a0I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way. \'a0He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are. \'a0So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than ""you never listen to me"" yes I do etc. \'a0Direct opener: \'a0I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve. \'a0Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse. \'a0Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return. \'a0If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish. \'a0You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better. \'a0If he refuses, \'a0tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Does your husband want to listen to you?Find this out by asking him the question!This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible.Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves.If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define ""listening"", which may be very different than his definition.Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded.What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one.", | "It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband.\'a0Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: ""why don't you..."" ""you aren't..."" ""you don't..."" Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack. \'a0Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another. \'a0If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!", | "It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband.\'a0Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: ""why don't you..."" ""you aren't..."" ""you don't..."" Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack. \'a0Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another. \'a0If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband.\'a0Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: ""why don't you..."" ""you aren't..."" ""you don't..."" Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack. \'a0Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another. \'a0If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you.", | "Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples:Remember that you can only guarantee change in yourself. You can ask him to make changes, but you can't control whether he does or not. You can control your reactions and what you do about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the relationship.If you're going to talk about something important or you really want him to listen, first ask whether this is a good time.Try to talk to him without blaming, finger-pointing, or asking him to change (this can be difficult, but it also opens a lot of doors for effective discussions).Be mindful of your packaging. By that, I mean that you may have a very important message that you're trying to get across. If you able to say it in a way that is clear and wrapped in such a way that he can hear what you're actually saying, that is helpful. If you are talking in ways that are angry, or as I sometimes say, wrapped in spikes, that can be difficult to hear and receive. Rather than hearing what you're actually trying to get across, he may just hear the fact that you are angry.If your husband is able to listen to you and/or restate what you are saying and get it right or close to right, let him know what that feels like to you and how important it is.If you're asking questions, try to avoid ""why"" question and use ""what makes, how, when, where, who"" instead. Questions starting with ""why"" can not only be difficult to answer, but can also trigger a lot of emotions that some people are not ready to deal with right away.Also, keep in mind that listening and being able to reflect what you are saying does not imply agreement. This may be something that would be good to discuss with your husband \'96 just because he is hearing what you're saying doesn't mean that he's agreeing with you.Lastly, but importantly, some people really don't know how to listen effectively. There are people who just are not taught to do that until much later in their lives. Sometimes listening to someone can actually be very vulnerability-producing. It may be helpful to ask your husband if he knows what makes him struggle with being able to listen if you notice that he's really struggling.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband.\'a0Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: ""why don't you..."" ""you aren't..."" ""you don't..."" Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack. \'a0Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another. \'a0If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you.", | "Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel? \'a0I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way. \'a0He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are. \'a0So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than ""you never listen to me"" yes I do etc. \'a0Direct opener: \'a0I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve. \'a0Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse. \'a0Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return. \'a0If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish. \'a0You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better. \'a0If he refuses, \'a0tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Does your husband want to listen to you?Find this out by asking him the question!This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible.Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves.If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define ""listening"", which may be very different than his definition.Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded.What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one.", | "Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Does your husband want to listen to you?Find this out by asking him the question!This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible.Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves.If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define ""listening"", which may be very different than his definition.Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded.What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one.", | "Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples:Remember that you can only guarantee change in yourself. You can ask him to make changes, but you can't control whether he does or not. You can control your reactions and what you do about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the relationship.If you're going to talk about something important or you really want him to listen, first ask whether this is a good time.Try to talk to him without blaming, finger-pointing, or asking him to change (this can be difficult, but it also opens a lot of doors for effective discussions).Be mindful of your packaging. By that, I mean that you may have a very important message that you're trying to get across. If you able to say it in a way that is clear and wrapped in such a way that he can hear what you're actually saying, that is helpful. If you are talking in ways that are angry, or as I sometimes say, wrapped in spikes, that can be difficult to hear and receive. Rather than hearing what you're actually trying to get across, he may just hear the fact that you are angry.If your husband is able to listen to you and/or restate what you are saying and get it right or close to right, let him know what that feels like to you and how important it is.If you're asking questions, try to avoid ""why"" question and use ""what makes, how, when, where, who"" instead. Questions starting with ""why"" can not only be difficult to answer, but can also trigger a lot of emotions that some people are not ready to deal with right away.Also, keep in mind that listening and being able to reflect what you are saying does not imply agreement. This may be something that would be good to discuss with your husband \'96 just because he is hearing what you're saying doesn't mean that he's agreeing with you.Lastly, but importantly, some people really don't know how to listen effectively. There are people who just are not taught to do that until much later in their lives. Sometimes listening to someone can actually be very vulnerability-producing. It may be helpful to ask your husband if he knows what makes him struggle with being able to listen if you notice that he's really struggling.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Does your husband want to listen to you?Find this out by asking him the question!This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible.Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves.If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define ""listening"", which may be very different than his definition.Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded.What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one.", | "Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel? \'a0I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way. \'a0He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are. \'a0So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than ""you never listen to me"" yes I do etc. \'a0Direct opener: \'a0I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve. \'a0Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse. \'a0Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return. \'a0If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish. \'a0You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better. \'a0If he refuses, \'a0tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!", | "Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples:Remember that you can only guarantee change in yourself. You can ask him to make changes, but you can't control whether he does or not. You can control your reactions and what you do about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the relationship.If you're going to talk about something important or you really want him to listen, first ask whether this is a good time.Try to talk to him without blaming, finger-pointing, or asking him to change (this can be difficult, but it also opens a lot of doors for effective discussions).Be mindful of your packaging. By that, I mean that you may have a very important message that you're trying to get across. If you able to say it in a way that is clear and wrapped in such a way that he can hear what you're actually saying, that is helpful. If you are talking in ways that are angry, or as I sometimes say, wrapped in spikes, that can be difficult to hear and receive. Rather than hearing what you're actually trying to get across, he may just hear the fact that you are angry.If your husband is able to listen to you and/or restate what you are saying and get it right or close to right, let him know what that feels like to you and how important it is.If you're asking questions, try to avoid ""why"" question and use ""what makes, how, when, where, who"" instead. Questions starting with ""why"" can not only be difficult to answer, but can also trigger a lot of emotions that some people are not ready to deal with right away.Also, keep in mind that listening and being able to reflect what you are saying does not imply agreement. This may be something that would be good to discuss with your husband \'96 just because he is hearing what you're saying doesn't mean that he's agreeing with you.Lastly, but importantly, some people really don't know how to listen effectively. There are people who just are not taught to do that until much later in their lives. Sometimes listening to someone can actually be very vulnerability-producing. It may be helpful to ask your husband if he knows what makes him struggle with being able to listen if you notice that he's really struggling.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!", | "Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel? \'a0I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way. \'a0He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are. \'a0So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than ""you never listen to me"" yes I do etc. \'a0Direct opener: \'a0I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve. \'a0Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse. \'a0Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return. \'a0If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish. \'a0You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better. \'a0If he refuses, \'a0tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him.", |
How do I get my husband to listen to me?"I'm always listening to my husband but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?" | "Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel? \'a0I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way. \'a0He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are. \'a0So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than ""you never listen to me"" yes I do etc. \'a0Direct opener: \'a0I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve. \'a0Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse. \'a0Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return. \'a0If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish. \'a0You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better. \'a0If he refuses, \'a0tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him.", | "Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples:Remember that you can only guarantee change in yourself. You can ask him to make changes, but you can't control whether he does or not. You can control your reactions and what you do about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the relationship.If you're going to talk about something important or you really want him to listen, first ask whether this is a good time.Try to talk to him without blaming, finger-pointing, or asking him to change (this can be difficult, but it also opens a lot of doors for effective discussions).Be mindful of your packaging. By that, I mean that you may have a very important message that you're trying to get across. If you able to say it in a way that is clear and wrapped in such a way that he can hear what you're actually saying, that is helpful. If you are talking in ways that are angry, or as I sometimes say, wrapped in spikes, that can be difficult to hear and receive. Rather than hearing what you're actually trying to get across, he may just hear the fact that you are angry.If your husband is able to listen to you and/or restate what you are saying and get it right or close to right, let him know what that feels like to you and how important it is.If you're asking questions, try to avoid ""why"" question and use ""what makes, how, when, where, who"" instead. Questions starting with ""why"" can not only be difficult to answer, but can also trigger a lot of emotions that some people are not ready to deal with right away.Also, keep in mind that listening and being able to reflect what you are saying does not imply agreement. This may be something that would be good to discuss with your husband \'96 just because he is hearing what you're saying doesn't mean that he's agreeing with you.Lastly, but importantly, some people really don't know how to listen effectively. There are people who just are not taught to do that until much later in their lives. Sometimes listening to someone can actually be very vulnerability-producing. It may be helpful to ask your husband if he knows what makes him struggle with being able to listen if you notice that he's really struggling.", |
About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me"Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?" | "To begin, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like many of the professionals have stated, infidelity is a very difficult obstacle to move forward from. It's not impossible. While forgetting is probably the hardest part, forgiveness is something that can and will happen. There are things you can do to help yourself.\'a0The first this is identifying what you feel is best for yourself and your children. That means being honest with how you feel being in this relationship on a daily basis and understanding how it's affecting you.\'a0Second, how is your relationship affecting the children. Do you feel that by staying in the relationship\'a0that it's affecting your daily interaction with them. If so, that' something to keep in mind.\'a0Next, Really looking at the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. A specific breakdown of what benefits come with staying and what are the ramifications. Vice-versa for leaving. Include your partner. I think being honest with him and letting him know what you are thinking is could be a great option. At least you aren't keeping something inside yourself to manage. Rather, you are being transparent to them. Sometimes a couple can come to an agreement that it may be time to end things and other times it may be best to keep moving forward with a serious plan to how to move forward. Regardless, if you can't trust him and that feeling will never go away it's time to address it. Couple therapy can be beneficial as well as a therapist can provide professional counseling to you.\'a0Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com", | "It is completely understandable that you are struggling to forgive and forget this betrayal, and I'd like to echo the sentiment of Danielle Alvarez: infidelity takes time to heal from, so allow yourself to grieve and find the support you need. I'd highly suggest going to couples therapy and addressing all the issues that Danielle raised, especially whether he has expressed genuine remorse and is being completely transparent with you and is taking responsibility for the choice he made, including acknowledging the immense impact it had on you, your relationship, and your ability to trust him.\'a0If you have doubts about being able to trust him, he needs to be willing to earn back your trust and do whatever it takes to do so. If he accepts this challenge, then that is a good sign you are on the path toward healing your relationship. Also, please don't ever forget that regardless of what led him to cheat, it was his decision to take that action rather than addressing whatever issues he was having in your relationship. Couples affected by betrayal typically have some underlying issue(s), whether it is a lack of connection or intimacy or another factor, and it is possible to heal and grow even stronger as a couple after betrayal. Because you are grieving, though, allow yourself to acknowledge and accept your feelings of hurt and pain, as they will likely come in waves, but the pain will lessen over time and with supportive therapy, along with the commitment to repair your relationship-from both you and your husband.\'a0Also, in regards to your concern about hurting your children, keep in mind that parents model healthy relationship behavior for their children. If your relationship with your husband remains disconnected, untrusting, or bitter, your children will see that and not only feel sad that their parents are both suffering, but also grow up feeling that experiencing such ongoing pain is tolerable or even normal in a relationship. Having parents who learn to handle conflict or heal deep wounds in healthy ways is crucial for children's emotional and psychological development. Whether they see you heal together as a married couple or heal separately as loving but divorced co-parents, they will learn what it is like to expect healthy communication and boundaries in relationships, which I'm sure you want for your children! Take care of yourself, and I wish you much peace and healing.\'a0Also, here is a good book I would recommend, along with books by Gottman, as Rebecca Wong suggested:Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy", |
About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me"Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?" | "To begin, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like many of the professionals have stated, infidelity is a very difficult obstacle to move forward from. It's not impossible. While forgetting is probably the hardest part, forgiveness is something that can and will happen. There are things you can do to help yourself.\'a0The first this is identifying what you feel is best for yourself and your children. That means being honest with how you feel being in this relationship on a daily basis and understanding how it's affecting you.\'a0Second, how is your relationship affecting the children. Do you feel that by staying in the relationship\'a0that it's affecting your daily interaction with them. If so, that' something to keep in mind.\'a0Next, Really looking at the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. A specific breakdown of what benefits come with staying and what are the ramifications. Vice-versa for leaving. Include your partner. I think being honest with him and letting him know what you are thinking is could be a great option. At least you aren't keeping something inside yourself to manage. Rather, you are being transparent to them. Sometimes a couple can come to an agreement that it may be time to end things and other times it may be best to keep moving forward with a serious plan to how to move forward. Regardless, if you can't trust him and that feeling will never go away it's time to address it. Couple therapy can be beneficial as well as a therapist can provide professional counseling to you.\'a0Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com", | "Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: ""The Science of Trust"" and ""Making Love Last"" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here:\'a0 |
About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me"Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?" | "It is completely understandable that you are struggling to forgive and forget this betrayal, and I'd like to echo the sentiment of Danielle Alvarez: infidelity takes time to heal from, so allow yourself to grieve and find the support you need. I'd highly suggest going to couples therapy and addressing all the issues that Danielle raised, especially whether he has expressed genuine remorse and is being completely transparent with you and is taking responsibility for the choice he made, including acknowledging the immense impact it had on you, your relationship, and your ability to trust him.\'a0If you have doubts about being able to trust him, he needs to be willing to earn back your trust and do whatever it takes to do so. If he accepts this challenge, then that is a good sign you are on the path toward healing your relationship. Also, please don't ever forget that regardless of what led him to cheat, it was his decision to take that action rather than addressing whatever issues he was having in your relationship. Couples affected by betrayal typically have some underlying issue(s), whether it is a lack of connection or intimacy or another factor, and it is possible to heal and grow even stronger as a couple after betrayal. Because you are grieving, though, allow yourself to acknowledge and accept your feelings of hurt and pain, as they will likely come in waves, but the pain will lessen over time and with supportive therapy, along with the commitment to repair your relationship-from both you and your husband.\'a0Also, in regards to your concern about hurting your children, keep in mind that parents model healthy relationship behavior for their children. If your relationship with your husband remains disconnected, untrusting, or bitter, your children will see that and not only feel sad that their parents are both suffering, but also grow up feeling that experiencing such ongoing pain is tolerable or even normal in a relationship. Having parents who learn to handle conflict or heal deep wounds in healthy ways is crucial for children's emotional and psychological development. Whether they see you heal together as a married couple or heal separately as loving but divorced co-parents, they will learn what it is like to expect healthy communication and boundaries in relationships, which I'm sure you want for your children! Take care of yourself, and I wish you much peace and healing.\'a0Also, here is a good book I would recommend, along with books by Gottman, as Rebecca Wong suggested:Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy", | "Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: ""The Science of Trust"" and ""Making Love Last"" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here:\'a0 |
Why am I with my husband if he is mean?"I love him but he doesn\'t show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends." | "So many questions comes to mind when I read your words...Do you love yourself?\'a0 What do you LOVE about him?\'a0 What are you getting from this relationship that is good for you?\'a0 What are you lacking in yourself that you allow yourself to be treated this way?....I can go on..If you can answer these questions, maybe you will answer your own question of WHY are you with your husband or even better, WHY you ALLOW your husband to be mean, show no love, disrespect you?\'a0 You seem to lack self-worth...seek a professional to help you with this.", | "Hello, and thank you for your question. Loving someone who\
doesn\'92t respect or treat you well can be enormously difficult and painful. \
Many people who find themselves in an emotionally hurtful\
relationship say that it was wonderful when it first started, but that over\
time their partner\'92s behaviors changed and they became emotionally or\
physically abusive. \
I want to say right away that it is not your fault in any\
way if someone is abusive to you. It does not mean that you are broken or that there\
is something wrong with your character if you have not left the situation.\
People stay for many reasons, such as fear, finances, children, pressure from\
others, and love. \
Many people have had to leave their abusive partners who\
they still love to preserve their own safety and regain the sense of self they\
may have lost. It is a very difficult thing to do, even if you know it is the\
right thing. \
The person who really needs to take a hard look at\
themselves is the person doing the abusing.\
It is very common for mental and emotional abuse to wear\
away at someone\'92s self-esteem. This can lead to other problems, like depression\
and anxiety. These issues sometimes require professional support to manage,\
such as a counselor or perhaps a doctor who may prescribe medication. \
A counselor may be able to help you sort through your fears\
and concerns about staying or leaving. To look at things from different angles,\
and to help you decide what is best for you. \
You have not said that your husband has been physically abusive\
to you, but if that has been the case, then you must consider your physical\
safety first. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.\
Getting help from professionals would be critical, and I would recommend your\
local domestic violence program. \
Whatever you decide to do is the right thing for you. I\
would encourage you to ask yourself honestly about your reasons for staying and\
the barriers that may keep you from going. You do deserve to be happy and\
emotionally safe. If you do not feel like you have that safety, then seeking\
someone to help you sort through these things is a good plan. \
I wish you well.\
Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC", |
My husband doesn't trust me"My husband doesn\'t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs but sometimes I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around which I am not." | "The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you.The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back.Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process.The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed.The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust.As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track.The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust.Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner!", | "It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!", |
My husband doesn't trust me"My husband doesn\'t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs but sometimes I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around which I am not." | "The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you.The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back.Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process.The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed.The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust.As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track.The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust.Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner!", | "Hi Louisiana,It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again.\'a0You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him.\'a0As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck.", |
My husband doesn't trust me"My husband doesn\'t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs but sometimes I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around which I am not." | "Hi Louisiana,It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again.\'a0You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him.\'a0As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck.", | "It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!", |
How do I see a therapist without having healthcare?I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately. | "Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often times\'a0offer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can.", | "There are plenty of online providers within the mental health field that would me more than happy to speak with you immediately. \'a0Many of them provide treatment on a sliding scale fee. \'a0I would google online mental health treatment providers and that should lead you to a list of providers that can help you.", |
How do I handle my binge eating?"I have a problem with binge eating especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late s and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?" | "In dealing with an eating disorder you are far from alone. \'a0It is more common than you might think and tied to so many variables that it is easy for an individual to become overwhelmed in trying to navigate the influences of such variables. \'a0I have been working with individuals dealing with such challenges since 1998 and have found over the years that behavioral analysis is highly effective in helping you begin to isolate, understand and then be able to address many of these variable impacting your behavioral and cognitive choices. \'a0Consider finding someone trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT). \'a0There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of this approach to alleviating many of the aspects you identified in your post as well of a wide variety of tools that you can choose from and utilize that are able to practiced and assimilated into your daily tool box of coping mechanisms that end up becoming new behaviors and ways of thinking about issues that become automatic, the best possible outcome you can hope for if you want the solution to be sustainable.", | "The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction.\'a0 You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort.\'a0 Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength.\'a0 Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress.\'a0 It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt.\'a0 Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you?\'a0Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time.\'a0 You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food.\'a0Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on.\'a0 Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention.\'a0Well wishes!!!!!!", |
How do I handle my binge eating?"I have a problem with binge eating especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late s and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?" | "In dealing with an eating disorder you are far from alone. \'a0It is more common than you might think and tied to so many variables that it is easy for an individual to become overwhelmed in trying to navigate the influences of such variables. \'a0I have been working with individuals dealing with such challenges since 1998 and have found over the years that behavioral analysis is highly effective in helping you begin to isolate, understand and then be able to address many of these variable impacting your behavioral and cognitive choices. \'a0Consider finding someone trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT). \'a0There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of this approach to alleviating many of the aspects you identified in your post as well of a wide variety of tools that you can choose from and utilize that are able to practiced and assimilated into your daily tool box of coping mechanisms that end up becoming new behaviors and ways of thinking about issues that become automatic, the best possible outcome you can hope for if you want the solution to be sustainable.", | "I believe that for results that last, the best approach is to understand why someone feels like doing a certain behavior.""Coping mechanisms"" are superficial instruction that people usually give up on when feeling extreme pressure from the problem behaviors.Take the slower road of understanding why you would deprive yourself of enjoying food.Also, if you consider the binging as a mistake of some kind, reflect on why doing something less than ideal, deserves harsh criticism and not tolerance and acceptance that people mess up occasionally.I'm glad you know that there are better ways of treating yourself. \'a0This is a valuable awareness of realizing you deserve patience and respect, not humiliation and severe criticism when you are lost as to best ways of self-care.", |
How do I handle my binge eating?"I have a problem with binge eating especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late s and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?" | "The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction.\'a0 You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort.\'a0 Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength.\'a0 Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress.\'a0 It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt.\'a0 Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you?\'a0Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time.\'a0 You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food.\'a0Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on.\'a0 Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention.\'a0Well wishes!!!!!!", | "I believe that for results that last, the best approach is to understand why someone feels like doing a certain behavior.""Coping mechanisms"" are superficial instruction that people usually give up on when feeling extreme pressure from the problem behaviors.Take the slower road of understanding why you would deprive yourself of enjoying food.Also, if you consider the binging as a mistake of some kind, reflect on why doing something less than ideal, deserves harsh criticism and not tolerance and acceptance that people mess up occasionally.I'm glad you know that there are better ways of treating yourself. \'a0This is a valuable awareness of realizing you deserve patience and respect, not humiliation and severe criticism when you are lost as to best ways of self-care.", |
Why do I feel like I always need to be in a relationship?"I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or in this case a woman." | "There are a lot of ways to look at this. It sounds as if there is a part of you that is looking for support. I wonder what it is that you feel when you're not in a relationship?Because of the way you asked the question, I'm getting the impression that you are referring to romantic relationships. I wonder if you have close friendships that could form a network to help with this when you are not romantically involved with someone. Even when you are in a relationship with a romantic partner, having friends is still an important element.I wonder if you could also notice what changes for you inside of yourself (as far as emotions) when you move from not being in a relationship to being in one.Perhaps you could take a look at what you value about yourself.In general, it is natural for people to want to be in relationships with others (in this case, relationship has many meanings and degrees). Most of us enjoy sharing elements of our days, thoughts, feelings, etc. with someone else who we trust and care about \'96 also hoping they care about us in return.", | "There could be many reasons but often people feel validated when they are in a relationship, the need to be in a relationship can be related to a belief of unlovability which often stems from our childhood. The relationship sort of soothes this temporarily and the others interest or desire helps counteract the ingrained belief. There are many questions that may help understand why, how was your relationship with your mother (caregivers)? \'a0How was your childhood etc.?\'a0Many people describe having a hole or void they try and fill with material things or people but it only is a temporary fix which usually drives the person to the next relationship, or object in hopes it will be fulfilling but it never is because fulfillment is work we need to do ourselves. This journey involves finding acceptance and love for ourselves. Once we have that we don't need to look elsewhere for fulfillment.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.\'a0It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.", | "Depends on your definition of ""wrong"" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.\'a0It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.", | "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. \'a0Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. \'a0These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! \'a0Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. \'a0He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. \'a0He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! \'a0You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. \'a0Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.\'a0We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. \'a0You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. \'a0That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. \'a0It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.\'a0Good luck! \'a0Hope that helps,Allison", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.\'a0It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.", | "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.\'a0It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.", | "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. \'a0 As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if \'a0your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.\'a0It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.", | "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship \'a0in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.\'a0It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.", | "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.\'a0For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? \'a0Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.\'a0If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.\'a0It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.", | "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend \'a0may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend \'a0periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.\'a0It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.", | "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. \'a0When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. \'a0Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did \'a0Others would be upset. \'a0If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. \'a0Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. \'a0Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. \'a0Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. \'a0Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. \'a0Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. \'a0You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. \'a0But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. \'a0Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. \'a0If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. \'a0Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. \'a0These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! \'a0Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. \'a0He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. \'a0He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! \'a0You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. \'a0Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.\'a0We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. \'a0You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. \'a0That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. \'a0It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.\'a0Good luck! \'a0Hope that helps,Allison", | "Depends on your definition of ""wrong"" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Depends on your definition of ""wrong"" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).", | "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. \'a0 As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if \'a0your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.", | "Depends on your definition of ""wrong"" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship \'a0in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.", | "Depends on your definition of ""wrong"" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Depends on your definition of ""wrong"" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).", | "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.\'a0For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? \'a0Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.\'a0If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Depends on your definition of ""wrong"" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).", | "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend \'a0may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend \'a0periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Depends on your definition of ""wrong"" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).", | "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. \'a0When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. \'a0Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did \'a0Others would be upset. \'a0If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. \'a0Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. \'a0Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. \'a0Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. \'a0Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. \'a0Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. \'a0You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. \'a0But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. \'a0Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. \'a0If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. \'a0Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. \'a0These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! \'a0Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. \'a0He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. \'a0He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! \'a0You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. \'a0Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.\'a0We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. \'a0You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. \'a0That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. \'a0It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.\'a0Good luck! \'a0Hope that helps,Allison", | "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. \'a0 As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if \'a0your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.", | "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. \'a0Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. \'a0These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! \'a0Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. \'a0He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. \'a0He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! \'a0You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. \'a0Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.\'a0We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. \'a0You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. \'a0That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. \'a0It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.\'a0Good luck! \'a0Hope that helps,Allison", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship \'a0in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.", | "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. \'a0Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. \'a0These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! \'a0Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. \'a0He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. \'a0He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! \'a0You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. \'a0Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.\'a0We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. \'a0You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. \'a0That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. \'a0It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.\'a0Good luck! \'a0Hope that helps,Allison", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. \'a0Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. \'a0These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! \'a0Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. \'a0He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. \'a0He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! \'a0You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. \'a0Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.\'a0We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. \'a0You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. \'a0That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. \'a0It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.\'a0Good luck! \'a0Hope that helps,Allison", | "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.\'a0For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? \'a0Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.\'a0If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. \'a0Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. \'a0These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! \'a0Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. \'a0He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. \'a0He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! \'a0You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. \'a0Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.\'a0We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. \'a0You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. \'a0That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. \'a0It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.\'a0Good luck! \'a0Hope that helps,Allison", | "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend \'a0may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend \'a0periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. \'a0Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. \'a0These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! \'a0Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. \'a0He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. \'a0He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! \'a0You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. \'a0Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.\'a0We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. \'a0You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. \'a0That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. \'a0It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.\'a0Good luck! \'a0Hope that helps,Allison", | "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. \'a0When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. \'a0Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did \'a0Others would be upset. \'a0If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. \'a0Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. \'a0Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. \'a0Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. \'a0Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. \'a0Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. \'a0You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. \'a0But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. \'a0Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. \'a0If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. \'a0 As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if \'a0your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.", | "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship \'a0in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.", | "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.", | "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.\'a0For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? \'a0Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.\'a0If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.", | "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend \'a0may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend \'a0periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.", | "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. \'a0When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. \'a0Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did \'a0Others would be upset. \'a0If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. \'a0Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. \'a0Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. \'a0Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. \'a0Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. \'a0Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. \'a0You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. \'a0But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. \'a0Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. \'a0If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. \'a0 As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if \'a0your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.", | "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship \'a0in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. \'a0 As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if \'a0your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.", | "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.\'a0For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? \'a0Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.\'a0If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. \'a0 As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if \'a0your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.", | "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend \'a0may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend \'a0periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. \'a0 As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if \'a0your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.", | "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. \'a0When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. \'a0Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did \'a0Others would be upset. \'a0If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. \'a0Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. \'a0Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. \'a0Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. \'a0Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. \'a0Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. \'a0You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. \'a0But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. \'a0Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. \'a0If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship \'a0in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.", | "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.\'a0For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? \'a0Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.\'a0If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship \'a0in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.", | "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend \'a0may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend \'a0periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship \'a0in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.", | "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. \'a0When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. \'a0Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did \'a0Others would be upset. \'a0If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. \'a0Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. \'a0Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. \'a0Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. \'a0Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. \'a0Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. \'a0You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. \'a0But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. \'a0Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. \'a0If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend \'a0may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend \'a0periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!", | "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.\'a0For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? \'a0Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.\'a0If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.\'a0For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? \'a0Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.\'a0If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.", | "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. \'a0When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. \'a0Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did \'a0Others would be upset. \'a0If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. \'a0Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. \'a0Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. \'a0Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. \'a0Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. \'a0Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. \'a0You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. \'a0But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. \'a0Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. \'a0If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.", |
My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.\
I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?" | "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend \'a0may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend \'a0periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!", | "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. \'a0When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. \'a0Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did \'a0Others would be upset. \'a0If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. \'a0Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. \'a0Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. \'a0Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. \'a0Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. \'a0Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. \'a0You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. \'a0But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. \'a0Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. \'a0If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.", |
Why can't I let myself trust my partner?"I've been with my partner for years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships.\
How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?" | "Remember that all relationships center around 3 simple values: HonestyTrustand Respect......in that order, too...If you are unable to trust, then you are fundamentally dishonest about something in yourself;Moreover, whatever you do not honestly experience, you do not honestly express out to another;To be honest with oneself is where most people fall down... and, when you do fall down, pick yourself up... and get back on the horse :)", | "What's most important is that you recognize that what you've been doing is off base - that what you've been feeling is ""overreacting,"" that you have ""insecurities,"" and you suspect your actions and reactions are connected to your own past and not to the current situation or to your partner. That's an excellent first step because without recognizing these things about yourself, it's unlikely that you would change.That said, you sound as if you are really ready to start some therapy to work on your own personal growth... not because there is something ""wrong"" with you, but because you're ready to learn more about yourself and make some creative changes in your behavior. Yes, there are lots of self-help books and courses, but we humans often make the most progress when we have support in\'a0\'a0real-time\'a0from another human being who can sit with us, point out our blind spots, and teach us some skills that are hard to learn on our own.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.\'a0The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your ""crushes"" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.\'a0Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here | "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about ""the crush"". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that ""absence makes the heart grow fonder"" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have ""shared"" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that\'a0 your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about ""the crush"". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that ""absence makes the heart grow fonder"" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have ""shared"" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that\'a0 your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia", | "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about ""the crush"". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that ""absence makes the heart grow fonder"" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have ""shared"" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that\'a0 your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia", | "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a \'93crush\'94, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about ""the crush"". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that ""absence makes the heart grow fonder"" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have ""shared"" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that\'a0 your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia", | "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a ""crush."" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about ""the crush"". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that ""absence makes the heart grow fonder"" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have ""shared"" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that\'a0 your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia", | "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. \'a0It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you\'92ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. \'a0These are some clear strengths in your relationship. \'a0Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. \'a0Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. \'a0Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. \'a0You\'92ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. \'a0Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about ""the crush"". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that ""absence makes the heart grow fonder"" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have ""shared"" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that\'a0 your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia", | "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. \'a0 As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about ""the crush"". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that ""absence makes the heart grow fonder"" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have ""shared"" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that\'a0 your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia", | "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.\'a0The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.\'a0The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your ""crushes"" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.\'a0Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here | "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.\'a0The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your ""crushes"" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.\'a0Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here | "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a \'93crush\'94, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.\'a0The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your ""crushes"" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.\'a0Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here | "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a ""crush."" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.\'a0The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your ""crushes"" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.\'a0Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here | "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. \'a0It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you\'92ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. \'a0These are some clear strengths in your relationship. \'a0Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. \'a0Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. \'a0Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. \'a0You\'92ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. \'a0Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.\'a0The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your ""crushes"" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.\'a0Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here | "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. \'a0 As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.\'a0The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your ""crushes"" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.\'a0Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here | "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.\'a0The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.", | "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a \'93crush\'94, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.", | "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a ""crush."" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.", | "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. \'a0It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you\'92ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. \'a0These are some clear strengths in your relationship. \'a0Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. \'a0Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. \'a0Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. \'a0You\'92ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. \'a0Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.", | "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. \'a0 As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.", | "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.\'a0The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a \'93crush\'94, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.", | "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a ""crush."" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a \'93crush\'94, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.", | "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. \'a0It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you\'92ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. \'a0These are some clear strengths in your relationship. \'a0Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. \'a0Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. \'a0Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. \'a0You\'92ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. \'a0Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a \'93crush\'94, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.", | "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. \'a0 As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a \'93crush\'94, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.", | "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.\'a0The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a ""crush."" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.", | "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. \'a0It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you\'92ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. \'a0These are some clear strengths in your relationship. \'a0Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. \'a0Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. \'a0Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. \'a0You\'92ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. \'a0Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a ""crush."" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.", | "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. \'a0 As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a ""crush."" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.", | "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.\'a0The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. \'a0 As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.", | "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. \'a0It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you\'92ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. \'a0These are some clear strengths in your relationship. \'a0Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. \'a0Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. \'a0Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. \'a0You\'92ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. \'a0Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. \'a0It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you\'92ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. \'a0These are some clear strengths in your relationship. \'a0Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. \'a0Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. \'a0Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. \'a0You\'92ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. \'a0Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.", | "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.\'a0The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.", |
How can I deal with a \'crush\' in a relationship?I\'ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it\'s \'just a crush\' but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. \'a0 As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.", | "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.\'a0The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.", |
My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't"I've been with a man for four years. For the last year he has said he is done but he still talks texts visits and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man but it's hurting so much." | "Have you brought up the topic as to the way you're feeling?The best way for someone to understand us or to understand someone, is to directly talk about \'a0the specific problem.To start the discussion w your partner, understand your own reasons for continuing the relationship.Given his stated disinterest in the relationship, your mood is probably affected by this.Once you are clear on how the range of your feelings, especially any fears on being alone, suggesting you may be staying w this guy simply to avoid such fears, then you'll be ready w your self-knowledge, to start a conversation w your partner about your relationship.", | "That does sound very confusing...and hurtful.\'a0 You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you.\'a0 It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him.\'a0 You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you.", |
My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't"I've been with a man for four years. For the last year he has said he is done but he still talks texts visits and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man but it's hurting so much." | "This can be difficult and confusing.If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling.\'a0If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations.Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with ""why"" because they can be emotional triggers for some people.If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples.", | "That does sound very confusing...and hurtful.\'a0 You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you.\'a0 It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him.\'a0 You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you.", |
My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't"I've been with a man for four years. For the last year he has said he is done but he still talks texts visits and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man but it's hurting so much." | "Have you brought up the topic as to the way you're feeling?The best way for someone to understand us or to understand someone, is to directly talk about \'a0the specific problem.To start the discussion w your partner, understand your own reasons for continuing the relationship.Given his stated disinterest in the relationship, your mood is probably affected by this.Once you are clear on how the range of your feelings, especially any fears on being alone, suggesting you may be staying w this guy simply to avoid such fears, then you'll be ready w your self-knowledge, to start a conversation w your partner about your relationship.", | "This can be difficult and confusing.If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling.\'a0If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations.Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with ""why"" because they can be emotional triggers for some people.If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples.", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. | "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.\'a0What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!", |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, ""That makes sense"" or ""I hear you"" or ""I get that.""3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:\'a0 | "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. |
I want to become a better manI'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. | "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!\'a0 If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second\'a0Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.\'a0Other favorites of mine are:\'93Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage\'94 by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser\'93Hold Me Tight\'94 by Dr. Sue Johnson\'93Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again\'94 by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.\'93The Five Love Languages\'94 by Gary Chapman\'93The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency \'96 the Other Side of Co-Dependency\'94 by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your\'a0partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?\'a0 If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)", |
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