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a68fb0c99f47-1 | those that let the child know her emotions are met with empathy,
accepted, and reciprocated, in a process Stern calls
attunement
. The
twins’ mother was attuned with Mark, but out of emotional synch
with Fred. Stern contends that the countlessly repeated moments of
attunement or misattunement between parent and child ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
a68fb0c99f47-2 | message that Stern finds mothers send about once a minute when they
interact with their babies.
Attunement is very different from simple imitation. “If you just
imitate a baby,” Stern told me, “that only shows you know what he | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
854ba8f7b400-0 | did, not how he felt. To let him know you sense how he feels, you
have to play back his inner feelings in another way. Then the baby
knows he is understood.”
Making love is perhaps the closest approximation in adult life to
this intimate attunement between infant and mother. Lovemaking,
Stern writes, “involves the expe... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
854ba8f7b400-1 | had mothers deliberately over- or underrespond to their infants,
rather than matching them in an attuned way; the infants responded
with immediate dismay and distress.
Prolonged absence of attunement between parent and child takes a
tremendous emotional toll on the child. When a parent consistently
fails to show any em... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
5456bf4c8abb-0 | One mother in Stern’s study consistently underreacted to her baby’s
level of activity; eventually her baby learned to be passive. “An infant
treated that way learns, when I get excited I can’t get my mother to be
equally excited, so I may as well not try at all,” Stern contends. But
there is hope in “reparative” relati... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
5456bf4c8abb-1 | committed the cruelest and most violent crimes found that the one
characteristic of their early lives that set them apart from other
criminals was that they had been shuttled from foster home to foster
home, or raised in orphanages—life histories that suggest emotional
neglect and little opportunity for attunement.
10
... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
fc83e89bd7d5-0 | As is so often the case in neurology, reports of quirky and bizarre
cases were among the early clues to the brain basis of empathy. A
1975 report, for instance, reviewed several cases in which patients
with certain lesions in the right area of the frontal lobes had a curious
deficit: they were unable to understand the ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
fc83e89bd7d5-1 | Technology, on the biology of empathy.
12
Reviewing both
neurological findings and comparative studies with animals, Brothers
points to the amygdala and its connections to the association area of
the visual cortex as part of the key brain circuitry underlying
empathy.
Much of the relevant neurological research is from... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
fc83e89bd7d5-2 | prevented the shock—an act of empathy, if not of altruism.
Having established that nonhuman primates do indeed read
emotions from the faces of their peers, researchers gently inserted
long, fine-tipped electrodes into the brains of monkeys. These
electrodes allowed the recording of activity in a single neuron. | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
d0364d9cad51-0 | Electrodes tapping neurons in the visual cortex and in the amygdala
showed that when one monkey saw the face of another, that
information led to a neuron firing first in the visual cortex, then in the
amygdala. This pathway, of course, is a standard route for information
that is emotionally arousing. But what is surpri... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
d0364d9cad51-1 | unfortunate monkeys had lost all sense of how to respond emotionally
to other monkeys in their band. Even when one
made a friendly
approach, they would run away, and eventually lived as isolates,
shunning contact with their own troop.
The very regions of the cortex where the emotion-specific neurons
concentrate are al... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
d0364d9cad51-2 | simple: the couple is videotaped and their physiological responses
measured while talking over some troubling issue in their marriage—
how to discipline the kids, spending habits, and the like. Each partner
reviews the tape and narrates what he or she was feeling from
moment to moment. Then the partner reviews the tape... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
6ca093576f8c-0 | now trying to read the
other’s
feelings.
The most empathic accuracy occurred in those husbands and wives
whose own physiology tracked that of the spouse
they were watching.
That is, when their partner had an elevated sweat response, so did
they; when their partner had a drop in heart rate, their heart slowed.
In sho... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
6ca093576f8c-1 | speaks to the heart of the link between empathy and caring: another’s
pain is one’s own. To
feel with another is to care. In this sense, the
opposite of
empathy
is
antipathy
. The empathic attitude is engaged
again and again in moral judgments, for moral dilemmas involve
potential victims: Should you lie to keep fr... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
6ca093576f8c-2 | Hoffman sees a natural progression in empathy from infancy
onward. As we have seen, at one year of age a child feels in distress | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
70587728c016-0 | herself when she sees another fall and start to cry; her rapport is so
strong and immediate that she puts her thumb in her mouth and
buries her head in her mother’s lap, as if she herself were hurt. After
the first year, when infants become more aware that they are distinct
from others, they actively try to soothe anot... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
70587728c016-1 | understanding, in adolescence, can buttress moral convictions
centered on wanting to alleviate misfortune and injustice.
Empathy underlies many facets of moral judgment and action. One
is “empathic anger,” which John Stuart Mill described as “the natural
feeling of retaliation … rendered by intellect and sympathy appli... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
70587728c016-2 | skater Tonya Harding, Eckardt had arranged to have thugs attack
Nancy Kerrigan, Harding’s archrival for the 1994 women’s Olympic
figure skating gold medal. In the attack, Kerrigan’s knee was battered, | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7d1f208bcfaa-0 | sidelining her during crucial training months. But when Eckardt saw
the image of a sobbing Kerrigan on television, he had a sudden rush of
remorse, and sought out a friend to bare his secret, beginning the
sequence that led to the arrest of the attackers. Such is the power of
empathy.
But it is typically, and tragicall... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7d1f208bcfaa-1 | The blotting out of empathy as these people inflict damage on
victims is almost always part of an emotional cycle that precipitates
their cruel acts. Witness the emotional sequence that typically leads to
a sex crime such as child molestation.
17
The cycle begins with the
molester feeling upset: angry, depressed, lone... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7d1f208bcfaa-2 | in the situation. That emotional detachment characterizes everything
that follows, from the ensuing plan to get a child alone, to the careful
rehearsal of what will happen, and then the execution of the plan. All
of it is pursued as though the child involved had no feelings of her
own; instead the molester projects on ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7676e6549393-0 | register. If they did, it would “ruin” things for the molester.
This utter lack of empathy for their victims is one of the main
focuses of new treatments being devised for child molesters and other
such offenders. In one of the most promising treatment programs, the
offenders read heart-wrenching accounts of crimes lik... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7676e6549393-1 | release compared to those who had no such treatment. Without this
initial empathy-inspired motivation, none of the rest of treatment will
work.
While there may be some small hope for instilling a sense of
empathy in offenders such as child molesters, there is much less for
another criminal type, the psychopath (more re... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7676e6549393-2 | cynicism. Consider the performance of Faro, a seventeen-year-old
member of a Los Angeles gang who crippled a mother and her baby in
a drive-by shooting, which he described with more pride than
remorse. Driving in a car with Leon Bing, who was writing a book
about the Los Angeles gangs the Crips and the Bloods, Faro wan... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
4fef1c964d82-0 | show off. Faro tells Bing he’s “gonna look crazy” at the “two dudes” in
the next car. As Bing recounts the exchange:
The driver, sensing that someone is looking at him, glances over at my car. His eyes
connect with Faro’s, widen for an instant. Then he breaks the contact, looks down,
looks away. And there is no mistaki... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
4fef1c964d82-1 | crime; in these cases too much empathy might be counterproductive.
Indeed, an opportunistic lack of empathy may be a “virtue” in many
roles in life, from “bad cop” police interrogator to corporate raider.
Men who have been torturers for terrorist states, for example, describe
how they learned to dissociate from the fee... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
4fef1c964d82-2 | appears to be a calculated act of terrorism, a method for controlling
their wives by instilling fear.
These coolly brutal husbands are a breed apart from most other
men who batter their wives. For one, they are far more likely to be
violent outside the marriage as well, getting into bar fights and | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
519102e976ea-0 | battling with coworkers and other family members. And while most
men who become violent with their wives do so impulsively, out of
rage after feeling rejected or jealous, or out of fear of abandonment,
these calculating batterers will strike out at their wives seemingly for
no reason at all—and once they start, nothing... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
519102e976ea-1 | show a distinctive wave pattern in response to the emotional words,
but not the neutral ones. But psychopaths have neither of these
responses: their brains do not show the distinctive pattern in response
to the emotional words, and they do not respond more quickly to
them, suggesting a disruption in circuits between th... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
519102e976ea-2 | not feel fear, they have no empathy—or compassion—for the fear and
pain of their victims.
*
A note of caution: If there are biological patterns at play in some kinds of criminality—such
as a neural defect in empathy—that does not argue that all criminals are biologically flawed,
or that there is some biological marker... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
178b3f01bac9-0 | the best consensus is that there is no such biological marker, and certainly no “criminal
gene.” Even if there is a biological basis for a lack of empathy in some cases, that does not
mean all who have it will drift to crime; most will not. A lack of empathy should be factored
in with all the other psychological, econo... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
34c05ab8c08b-0 | 8
The Social Arts
As so often happens to five-year-olds with younger siblings, Len has
lost all patience with Jay, his two-and-a-half-year-old brother, who is
making a mess of the Lego blocks they’ve been playing with. Carried
away by a wave of rage, Len bites Jay, who breaks into tears. Their
mother, hearing Jay’s pai... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
34c05ab8c08b-1 | show you. Len crying.”
And then, turning to Len, Jay adopts a mothering mode, patting his
weeping brother as he reassures him in soothing tones, “Look, Len. No
go on crying.”
Len’s sobs continue, despite the comforting. So Jay turns to another
tactic, lending a helping hand in putting away the Lego blocks in their
bag,... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
a05238eb0aa0-0 | Through his sobs, Len manages a pathetic, gasping, “I’m trying to.”
Which prompts Jay’s final stratagem: borrowing his mother’s
firmness and voice of authority, he threatens, “Stop crying, Len.
Smack your bottom!”
This microdrama reveals the remarkable emotional sophistication
that a toddler of just thirty months can b... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
a05238eb0aa0-1 | The same skills can be used to tease or torment a sibling. But even
that mean-spiritedness bespeaks the emergence of a crucial emotional
aptitude: the ability to know another’s feelings and to act in a way
that further shapes those feelings. Being able to manage emotions in
someone else is the core of the art of handli... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
a05238eb0aa0-2 | someone else—the fine art of relationships—requires the ripeness of
two other emotional skills, self-management and empathy.
With this base, the “people skills” ripen. These are the social
competences
that make for effectiveness in dealings with others;
deficits here lead to ineptness in the social world or repeated | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
c9c785f5dee5-0 | interpersonal disasters. Indeed, it is precisely the lack of these skills
that can cause even the intellectually brightest to founder in their
relationships, coming off as arrogant, obnoxious, or insensitive. These
social abilities allow one to shape an encounter, to mobilize and
inspire others, to thrive in intimate r... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
c9c785f5dee5-1 | 2
One is
minimizing
the
show of emotion—this is the Japanese norm for feelings of distress in
the presence of someone in authority, which the students were
following when they masked their upset with a poker face. Another is
exaggerating
what one feels by magnifying the emotional expression;
this is the ploy used b... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
c9c785f5dee5-2 | educating the sentiments, emotions are both the medium and the | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
74505f626c7c-0 | message. If a child is told to “smile and say thank you” by a parent
who is,
at that moment, harsh, demanding, and cold—who hisses the
message instead of warmly whispering it—the child is more likely to
learn a very different lesson, and in fact respond to Grandpa with a
frown and a curt, flat “Thank you.” The effect ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
74505f626c7c-1 | expressiveness is what evokes response in their audience. And, no
doubt, some of us come into life as natural actors. But partly because
the lessons we learn about display rules vary according to the models
we’ve had, people differ greatly in their adeptness.
EXPRESSIVENESS AND EMOTIONAL CONTAGION
It was early in the V... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
74505f626c7c-2 | in the heat of battle illustrates a basic principle of social life: Emotions
are contagious. To be sure, this tale marks an extreme. Most
emotional contagion is far more subtle, part of a tacit exchange that | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
3c7d21a105cf-0 | happens in every encounter. We transmit and catch moods from each
other in what amounts to a subterranean economy of the psyche in
which some encounters are toxic, some nourishing.
This emotional
exchange is typically at a subtle, almost imperceptible level; the way a
salesperson says thank you can leave us feeling ig... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
3c7d21a105cf-1 | part of each other’s tool kit for emotional change, for better or for
worse.
Consider a remarkable demonstration of the subtlety with which
emotions pass from one person to another. In a simple experiment two
volunteers filled out a checklist about their moods at the moment,
then simply sat facing each other quietly wh... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
3c7d21a105cf-2 | to evoke those feelings once again.
The day-to-day imitation of feeling is ordinarily quite subtle. Ulf | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
c5e24b69386c-0 | Dimberg, a Swedish researcher at the University of Uppsala, found
that when people view a smiling or angry face, their own faces show
evidence of that same mood through slight changes in the facial
muscles. The changes are evident through electronic sensors but are
typically not visible to the naked eye.
When two peopl... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
c5e24b69386c-1 | whether you realize you mimic the facial expression or not. This
happens to us all the time—there’s a dance, a synchrony, a
transmission of emotions. This mood synchrony determines whether
you feel an interaction went well or not.”
The degree of emotional rapport people feel in an encounter is
mirrored by how tightly o... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
c5e24b69386c-2 | the discussion—they had caught their girlfriends’ bad moods.
5
In
short, whether people feel upbeat or down, the more physically | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7955f0125403-0 | attuned their encounter, the more similar their moods will become.
The synchrony between teachers and students indicates how much
rapport they feel; studies in classrooms show that the closer the
movement coordination between teacher and student, the more they
felt friendly, happy, enthused, interested, and easygoing w... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7955f0125403-1 | emotional level. The mark of a powerful leader or performer is being
able to move an audience of thousands in this way. By the same
token, Cacioppo points out that people who are poor at receiving and
sending emotions are prone to problems in their relationships, since
people often feel uncomfortable with them, even if... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7955f0125403-2 | 6
That
is what we mean by, “He had them in the palm of his hand.”
Emotional entrainment is the heart of influence. | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
60e729f10b38-0 | THE RUDIMENTS OF SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE
It’s recess at a preschool, and a band of boys is running across the
grass. Reggie trips, hurts his knee, and starts crying, but the other
boys keep right on running—save for Roger, who stops. As Reggie’s
sobs subside Roger reaches down and rubs his own knee, calling out,
“I hurt my... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
60e729f10b38-1 | Roger’s talent represents one of four separate abilities that Hatch
and Gardner identify as components of interpersonal intelligence:
•
Organizing groups
—the essential skill of the leader, this involves
initiating and coordinating the efforts of a network of people. This is
the talent seen in theater directors or pro... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
60e729f10b38-2 | dependable spouses, good friends or business partners; in the business
world they do well as salespeople or managers, or can be excellent
teachers. Children like Roger get along well with virtually everyone | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
5c861c0b853a-0 | else, easily enter into playing with them, and are happy doing so.
These children tend to be best at reading emotions from facial
expressions and are most liked by their classmates.
•
Social analysis
—being able to detect and have insights about
people’s feelings, motives, and concerns. This knowledge of how
others fe... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
5c861c0b853a-1 | be around someone like that.”
These interpersonal abilities build on other emotional intelligences.
People who make an excellent social impression, for example, are
adept at monitoring their own expression of emotion, are keenly
attuned to the ways others are reacting, and so are able to continually
fine-tune their soc... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
5c861c0b853a-2 | in order to be loved—or at least liked—the social chameleon will
seem to be whatever those he is with seem to want. The sign that
someone falls into this pattern, Snyder finds, is that they make an | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
1837be5ab222-0 | excellent impression, yet have few stable or satisfying intimate
relationships. A more healthy pattern, of course, is to balance being
true to oneself with social skills, using them with integrity.
Social chameleons, though, don’t mind in the least saying one thing
and doing another, if that will win them social approv... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
1837be5ab222-1 | use their social abilities to mold their actions as disparate social
situations demand, so that they may act like very different people
depending on whom they are with, swinging from bubbly sociability,
say, to reserved withdrawal. To be sure, to the extent that these traits
lead to effective impression management, the... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
1837be5ab222-2 | in foreign languages, superb at translating. But there were crucial | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
10f8f62d572a-0 | ways in which he was completely inept. Cecil seemed to lack the
simplest social skills. He would muff a casual conversation over
coffee, and fumble when having to pass the time of day; in short, he
seemed incapable of the most routine social exchange. Because his
lack of social grace was most profound when he was aroun... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
10f8f62d572a-1 | ineptitude was overwhelming; he was socially paralyzed.
The tale is told by Lakin Phillips, a psychologist at George
Washington University, who proposes that Cecil’s plight stems from a
failure to learn in childhood the most elementary lessons of social
interaction:
What could Cecil have been taught earlier? To speak d... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
10f8f62d572a-2 | those around us uncomfortable. The function of these rules, of course,
is to keep everyone involved in a social exchange at ease;
awkwardness spawns anxiety. People who lack these skills are inept
not just at social niceties, but at handling the emotions of those they | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
3908262cba21-0 | encounter; they inevitably leave disturbance in their wake.
We all have known Cecils, people with an annoying lack of social
graces—people who don’t seem to know when to end a conversation
or phone call and who keep on talking, oblivious to all cues and hints
to say good-bye; people whose conversation centers on themse... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
3908262cba21-1 | a poor sense of prosody, the emotional quality of speech, so that they
talk too shrilly or flatly.
Much research has focused on spotting children who show signs of
social
deficiency, children whose awkwardness makes them neglected
or rejected by their playmates. Apart from children who are spurned
because they are bul... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
3908262cba21-2 | understand what’s going on. This kind of communication is a constant
subtext of everything you do; you can’t stop showing your facial
expression or posture, or hide your tone of voice. If you make
mistakes in what emotional messages you send, you constantly | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
91187db36ff5-0 | experience that people react to you in funny ways—you get rebuffed
and don’t know why. If you’re thinking you’re acting happy but
actually seem too hyper or angry, you find other kids getting angry at
you in turn, and you don’t realize why. Such kids end up feeling no
sense of control over how other people treat them, ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
91187db36ff5-1 | being on the edge of a group at play you want to join. It is a moment
of peril, one when being liked
or hated, belonging or not, is made all
too public. For that reason that crucial moment has been the subject
of intense scrutiny by students of child development, revealing a stark
contrast in approach strategies used ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
91187db36ff5-2 | Barbara and starting to play with the animals. Barbara turns to her | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
41a53b4b65af-0 | and says, “You can’t play!”
“Yes, I can,” Linda counters. “I can have some animals, too.”
“No, you can’t,” Barbara says bluntly. “We don’t like you today.”
When Bill protests on Linda’s behalf, Nancy joins the attack: “We
hate her today.”
Because of the danger of being told, either explicitly or implicitly,
“We hate yo... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
41a53b4b65af-1 | what kind of play is in flow, what out of place.
The two cardinal sins that almost always lead to rejection are trying
to take the lead too soon and being out of synch with the frame of
reference. But this is exactly what unpopular children tend to do: they
push their way into a group, trying to change the subject too ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
41a53b4b65af-2 | (actually pebbles) in their socks. Warren asks Roger if he wants to be
in a helicopter or an airplane. Roger asks, before committing himself,
“Are you in a helicopter?” | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
233b310f7abc-0 | This seemingly innocuous moment reveals sensitivity to others’
concerns, and the ability to act on that knowledge in a way that
maintains the connection. Hatch comments about Roger, “He ‘checks
in’ with his playmate so that they and their play remain connected. I
have watched many other children who simply get in their... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
233b310f7abc-1 | home on a suburban Tokyo train when a huge, bellicose, and very
drunk and begrimed laborer got on. The man, staggering, began
terrorizing the passengers: screaming curses, he took a swing at a
woman holding a baby, sending her sprawling in the laps of an elderly
couple, who then jumped up and joined a stampede to the o... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7ef76c2703ac-0 | in what was clearly a legitimate opportunity. So, as all the other
passengers sat frozen in their seats, Terry stood up, slowly and with
deliberation.
Seeing him, the drunk roared, “Aha! A foreigner! You need a lesson
in Japanese manners!” and began gathering himself to take on Terry.
But just as the drunk was on the v... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7ef76c2703ac-1 | bellowed.
“Oh, that’s wonderful, absolutely wonderful,” the old man replied
in a warm tone. “You see, I love sake, too. Every night, me and my
wife (she’s seventy-six, you know), we warm up a little bottle of sake
and take it out into the garden, and we sit on an old wooden
bench …” He continued on about the persimmon ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
7ef76c2703ac-2 | in the old man’s lap.
That is emotional brilliance. | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
de531c64316b-0 | PART THREE
EMOTIONAL
INTELLIGENCE
APPLIED | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
018e26b7a412-0 | 9
Intimate Enemies
To love and to work, Sigmund Freud once remarked to his disciple
Erik Erikson, are the twin capacities that mark full maturity. If that is
the case, then maturity may be an endangered way station in life—
and current trends in marriage and divorce make emotional
intelligence more crucial than ever.
C... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
018e26b7a412-1 | likelihood that the marriage would end in divorce was projected to be
close to a staggering 67 percent!
1
If the estimate holds, just three in
ten of recent newlyweds can count on staying married to their new
partner.
It can be argued that much of this rise is due not so much to a
decline in emotional intelligence as ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
c3cbca906b76-0 | understanding what holds a marriage together or tears it apart has
come from the use of sophisticated physiological measures that allow
the moment-to-moment tracking of the emotional nuances of a
couple’s encounter. Scientists are now able to detect a husband’s
otherwise invisible adrenaline surges and jumps in blood p... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
c3cbca906b76-1 | contradictory plea aimed at a retreating back epitomizes the pattern
most commonly seen in couples whose relationship is distressed: She
seeks to engage, he withdraws. Marital therapists have long noted that
by the time a couple finds their way to the therapy office they are in
this pattern of engage-withdraw, with his... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
0c471eee4749-0 | the opposite sex.
3
These separate social universes intersect little until
teenagers start dating.
Meanwhile, boys and girls are taught very different lessons about
handling emotions. Parents, in general, discuss emotions—with the
exception of anger—more with their daughters than their sons.
4
Girls
are exposed to mo... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
0c471eee4749-1 | “boys, for whom the verbalization of affects is de-emphasized, may
become largely unconscious of their emotional states, both in
themselves and in others.”
5
At age ten, roughly the same percent of girls as boys are overtly
aggressive, given to open confrontation when angered. But by age
thirteen, a telling difference ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
0c471eee4749-2 | the way and stop crying so the game can go on. If the same happens
among a group of girls who are playing, the
game stops
while everyone | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
d594640ab9d6-0 | gathers around to help the girl who is crying. This difference between
boys and girls at play epitomizes what Harvard’s Carol Gilligan points
to as a key disparity between the sexes: boys take pride in a lone,
tough-minded independence and autonomy, while girls see themselves
as part of a web of connectedness. Thus boy... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
d594640ab9d6-1 | empathic than men, at least as measured by the ability to read
someone else’s unstated feelings from facial expression, tone of voice,
and other nonverbal cues. Likewise, it is generally easier to read
feelings from a woman’s face than a man’s; while there is no
difference in facial expressiveness among very young boys... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
d594640ab9d6-2 | intimacy means talking things over, especially talking about the
relationship itself. The men, by and large, don’t understand what the
wives want from them. They say, ‘I want to do things with her, and all
she wants to do is talk.’ ” During courtship, Huston found, men were | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
a04267ad1753-0 | much more willing to spend time talking in ways that suited the wish
for intimacy of their wives-to-be. But once married, as time went on
the men—especially in more traditional couples—spent less and less
time talking in this way with their wives, finding a sense of closeness
simply in doing things like gardening toget... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
a04267ad1753-1 | about their relationship. (Of course this gender difference is a
generalization, and is not true in every case; a psychiatrist friend
complained that in his marriage his wife is reluctant to discuss
emotional matters between them, and he is the one who is left to
bring them up.)
The slowness of men to bring up problems... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
a04267ad1753-2 | reached an agreement about
how to
disagree is key to marital survival;
men and women have to overcome the innate gender differences in
approaching rocky emotions. Failing this, couples are vulnerable to
emotional rifts that eventually can tear their relationship apart. As we | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
56a9da709186-0 | shall see, these rifts are far more likely to develop if one or both
partners have certain deficits in emotional intelligence.
MARITAL FAULT LINE
Fred: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?
Ingrid: (In a mocking tone) “Did you pick up my dry cleaning.” Pick
up your own damn dry cleaning. What am I, your maid?
Fred: Hardly. ... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
56a9da709186-1 | intelligence in the survival of a marriage.
During the last two decades Gottman has tracked the ups and
downs of more than two hundred couples, some just newlyweds,
others married for decades. Gottman has charted the emotional
ecology of marriage with such precision that, in one study, he was
able to predict which coup... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
8814b046ac2f-0 | An early warning signal that a marriage is in danger, Gottman finds,
is harsh criticism. In a healthy marriage husband and wife feel free to
voice a complaint. But too often in the heat of anger complaints are
expressed in a destructive fashion, as an attack on the spouse’s
character. For example, Pamela and her daught... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
8814b046ac2f-1 | But for this lapse Pamela brands him as “thoughtless and self-
centered.” Most couples have moments like this from time to time,
where a complaint about something a partner has done is voiced as an
attack against the person rather than the deed. But these harsh
personal criticisms have a far more corrosive emotional im... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
8814b046ac2f-2 | criticism leaves the person on the receiving end feeling ashamed,
disliked, blamed, and defective—all of which are more likely to lead
to a defensive response than to steps to improve things.
All the more so when the criticism comes laden with contempt, a
particularly destructive emotion. Contempt comes easily with ang... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
95c88b1472a2-0 | voice and an angry expression. Its most obvious form, of course, is
mockery or insult—“jerk,” “bitch,” “wimp.” But just as hurtful is the
body language that conveys contempt, particularly the sneer or curled
lip that are the universal facial signals for disgust, or a rolling of the
eyes, as if to say, “Oh, brother!”
Co... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
95c88b1472a2-1 | a marriage. Rather, such emotional volleys are akin to smoking and
high cholesterol as risk factors for heart disease—the more intense
and prolonged, the greater the danger. On the road to divorce, one of
these factors predicts the next, in an escalating scale of misery.
Habitual criticism and contempt or disgust are d... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
95c88b1472a2-2 | unnerving message, something like a combination of icy distance,
superiority, and distaste. Stonewalling showed up mainly in marriages
that were heading for trouble; in 85 percent of these cases it was the
husband who stonewalled in response to a wife who attacked with | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
d16ea231a5db-0 | criticism and contempt.
14
As a habitual response stonewalling is
devastating to the health of a relationship: it cuts off all possibility of
working out disagreements.
TOXIC THOUGHTS
The children are being rambunctious, and Martin, their father, is
getting annoyed. He turns to his wife, Melanie, and says in a sharp
t... | emotional_intelligence.pdf |
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