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**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Sure. But -- so I would say that constraint provided her with hope, and a certainty of her ability to achieve it. For example, if something feels too overwhelming, too big, like "I wanna change my career", I probably wouldn't look at it like "Alright, I'm gonna quit my job tomorrow..." But... |
An example might be "Okay, I'm just gonna practice -- if I wanna write a book and I haven't written one before, I am gonna commit to sitting down and writing for 120 minutes/two hours a day, or 60 minutes, or 30 minutes." That's where a constraint is helpful, because it does identify parameters. |
I'm so glad you bring this up, because constraints aren't all bad. They just are a function of anything. It would be really weird if I was walking down the street and somebody punched me... Right? I would hope that'd be weird... \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, that'd be super-weird. Don't do that. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right? However, if I gave you a constraint or a form and I said "Well, I got punched when I was in the boxing ring", it would make a lot more sense. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, contextual scenarios would certainly make that more easy to deal with, I suppose. If \[unintelligible 00:11:14.11\] get a little upset. But if it was in a boxing ring, it's like "Well, you're probably there for a reason." |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** So then I would say "Well, who chose to put me in the boxing ring?" |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's right... \[laughter\] Okay, you tell me then; this is your story... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Who put you in the boxing ring? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Well, this is why when I participate in my own choice, and the constraints that I'm operating within, it is also going to change the way that I feel about the choice that I made, as well as the outcome that could occur. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So if someone shoved you into the boxing ring, you might be quite more upset that you got punched in the face... However, if it was your choice to get it, you'd be like "Well, par for the course. This is what happens when you get in the boxing ring on your own accord and fight somebody." |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[12:02\] Right, right. So this is one of the things I wanna highlight when we're trying to change... Awareness is a key factor in changing... So if I don't hold an awareness of myself or the choices that are available to me, and the emotions that are involved, I'm already sort of starting... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. This lesson you shared before on frontloading I've actually used quite a lot in these scenarios... Dealing with change and making better choices. Whenever I feel like I have some pushback to change or choice, I'm like, "Well, what is causing that and how could I pre-plan or front-load to make ... |
But the point is if I chose not to frontload, well my morning gets more hectic, because I'll probably be tired, like anybody is in the morning... You know, kids don't always cooperate the best in the morning, or maybe they do... So every day it's a crapshoot of whether it's gonna be a good morning or a bad morning, and... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** It is, and that's just it, Adam. All you did was articulate recognizing the part to the whole puzzle, and going "What factors play a role in the options available to me with the outcome I'm trying to achieve?" Because the bigger, broader goal is you're trying to educate your child - social... |
This is the thing that's so huge when we talk about choices, especially as it relates to change - that choices don't occur in solitude. If I make a choice, there's like 4, 5, 100 other dominoes that get knocked over as a result of the choice. So when I don't start with this sense of awareness of the part to whole, I'm ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. What I find even more profound is that \[unintelligible 00:15:41.26\] example could be the factor of an amazing day... So we just talked about earlier, I could be more positive that day... So this morning routine could lead to a more positive day, or it could lead to a more negative day, and w... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[16:25\] Right, and that's why we're talking about this... Because I really want people to understand how much opportunity is out there in their lives. If something isn't working, there are opportunities to change it, but you have to look at the choices that are available to you and go "I... |
I'm not sure if I've shared this before, but I think about it with people who are trying to make changes with eating habits... Some of the things I recommend in the course of treatment is "Can you just not go through the drive-through? Anytime -- I don't care if you wanna eat fast-food or not, but I just want you to wa... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Go eat the fast-food, but -- it's almost like you have to feel more of the pain. You really have to want to do it. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. I'm making one other aspect more aversive, so it's less desirable... Because my emotions say "Oh, I don't really wanna do that." If I'm gonna walk into fast food, I can just walk into my kitchen and also pick something out, too. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah... \[laughs\] |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Or walk into a grocery store. This is why it is such a super-power to go "Okay, what small change could I make? What mini-choice would take me in the trajectory?" It doesn't mean I cultivate the goal I'm trying to reach, but it just moves me in the direction that I'm trying to go. |
I can't talk about awareness without talking about how our brain works... And I think of Daniel Kahneman, who wrote the "Thinking in Systems". I forget if that's the name, but... He talks about and identifies thinking system one, and differentiates it from thinking system two. Oh, "Thinking, Fast and Slow." That's the ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Gotcha. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** He says system one is this automatic, quick, intuitive, emotional and reactive system. Then thinking system two - think of this like more of our higher-order thought process, which is conscious, effortful, logical and deliberate. So while each have these distinct styles, one can operate wi... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Wow. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** And so system two, which is that higher order, has limited resources. So it picks and chooses what is most sensible to invest its energy in. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It's always evaluating. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. Sometimes it can be lazy, especially if something is not viewed as a very important decision. Then it kicks it back to system one to pick up the slack. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Gotcha. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** This is where we get stuck in our choices... Because it's like, I can think about the stress of daily life, and being a wife, a mom, a professional, and just a human, trying to manage and modulate myself... That I can get this decision fatigue. So instead of using more of this higher-order... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Which is why at the end of the day when my kids ask me something, I'm like "I don't... I don't know." \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I've got nothing. I'm toast. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[19:58\] Yeah. Right. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Because your brain is literally on fire. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, figuratively, literally, on fire. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah, I'm done. So recognizing that choices might be more challenging for me later off in the day, or under certain constraints, like other stressors... What are the top ones? Getting married, buying a house, moving... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Buying a car, moving jobs... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yup, all these things. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Relationship change in general... Death... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. So we wanna say "Well, we're fully in charge of our choices" - well... Yes and no. Because this one part of our brain is more deliberate and can be reflective and thoughtful, while the other part is reflexive, which is based far more on how we've been conditioned or trained. Imagine ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** I mean, I'm going way back. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yes, that's so far back that I personally have a hard time remembering prior to age five. There's a couple things that are somewhat vivid to me, but I don't have a memory that I can recollect that would be accurate to true events. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Sure. And this is why -- like, zero to five is just, imagine you're starting with a blank slate, and now you're just downloading information about how the world operates, what to expect, and really just through this process of conditioning, like "When I sit down at the table, I get food" o... |
Even in the workplace - sometimes you might have an exchange with someone and you walk away like "Gosh, that was really weird. Their response... Why did they say that? I don't get that..." Well, who knows to what degree they're in system one, system two, or a myriad or a hybrid of both... Because they're in their own b... |
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