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**Adam Stacoviak:** Own it. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[31:52\] Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm not in charge of anybody else, and so even if -- or I like to use the word "while". While other people make other choices, you didn't. Now what are you gonna choose? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right, right. That's why I think especially in teams in particular, having a foundation of love and respect is so crucial... Because you wouldn't -- I don't know if \[unintelligible 00:32:17.18\] But you may not make this choice if there's a foundation of love and respect. So if this were a real exa... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, and to that point - and this would fit for blaming, as well as the labeling or mislabeling - is sort of the best friend test... Asking yourself "Would I say these things to my best friend? Would I say what I'm saying to myself and the internal criticism I'm giving to me - would I ever sa... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Wow. You've just combined both of these. Alright... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** We can see how they layer. You can actually have layered distortions, combined. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. So as a best friend, my best friend would be like "Look, you're doing the best you can." And I think that's a fundamental thing I wanna give to everyone, is going "Everybody's doing the best they can, with what they've got", even if it doesn't measure up to your expectations. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** This is so pertinent; this wasn't part of the show, it's not in the notes, but I thought this the other day and I wrote it down, and I was thinking about blogging about this, because this is just top of mind for me... It says "If you're trying, you're not failing. Failure is a stop-motion event. Whe... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** I love it! Yes! Yes... I really want people to recognize the value of effort. It's been in conversations with my husband and I lately relative to legacy and things that his parents and their parents - choices they made that we're benefitting from... But they were like 50, 60-year pushes, with ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I hate to think about Dory in this scenario, but she's so right... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** I know...! |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Just keep swimming. Just keep trying. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** I say "Do it like Dory!" |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[36:02\] "Do it like Dory"? Do you say that? |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah! |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's funny. That's funny. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** I do. And there's that - oh, gosh - "What about Bob?" |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Oh, gosh. Yes. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Have we mentioned that movie? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's my favorite movie ever. It might even be like Groundhog Day and What About Bob. But I think I would put What About Bob as my top all-time favorite movie ever. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right?! |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, legit. I own it, for sure. On all the medias. VHS... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** True confessions by Adam... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It's like the \[unintelligible 00:36:32.25\] but you've bought it on all the media types. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** LPs etc. You've got them all. Yes... What About Bob? |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** And really, that's just it - where does the blame get you? It doesn't move you in any direction. So you're not taking baby steps, you're not trying to keep swimming... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** That's a What About Bob reference, by the way, if you're listening... Baby steps... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yes. Baby steps. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Sorry to interrupt, but I just had to point that out. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yes. Over and over. And this too is really out of the playbook of exposure therapy. If I expose myself to the thing that I'm fearful of/overwhelmed by, I reduce my sense of threat, and then I find out through direct experience I didn't die. "Whew, I made it." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** This is exactly how mountain-biking works. I hate to keep bringing it up every episode or occasionally, but it's the same thing; that's how progression works with mountain-biking. There's certain terrain that you're just fearful of, and you're like "Whoa... I can't do that this time." And you walk i... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right. But you still did it. You still walked over the terrain, so all you did was lower the threshold. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Exactly, so you become more familiar with it... You start to see things in 3D, which is taking in more data... You've actually walked the steps. They call it "Choose your line", so you choose which pathway through the feature you'll go... And then you take the next baby step - "Well, I'll walk it a ... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah... I love that. So I pitch it in my coaching background. We used to do the under-loading or over-loading. Under-loading for a track would mean on a trampoline, or with additional supports, with a spotter, or a really wide piece of tape on the floor, instead of an actual four-inch-wide pie... |
I want people to understand the actual positive emotions that can come, and the joy with the discovery... Like "I did it! I did it! I was worried, I doubted... And I did it!" And that then begins pushing you in a different direction, that also then builds more hope. So that's where all the good stuff is. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Just keep trying. Just keep swimming. Do it like Dory. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. So it's interesting to go from there to our last and final cognitive distortion, which is the fallacy of change. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Oh, boy... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** So this is relative to believing that other people will change to suit us if we pressure or cajole them enough. If I expect somebody else, like "If only you'll do this for me, Adam, then I will be happy." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. Well, I think a lot of failed marriages are built upon that; relationships, generally are built upon that. "Eventually, this person will change. Eventually, I will change them. Eventually etc." |
I guess on the outside my first thought would be to accept people as they are, and to operate around who they are, rather than attempt and try and change them. That my future version of happiness with them isn't based upon change, it's based upon adaptation. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** \[40:14\] Yeah. Well, I talk about it relative to like "Well, that would be ideal... Awesome." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. It sounds easy. Done. Check. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right? But that isn't the way that it works, and so again, ironically, I'm taking back responsibility and going "While this person isn't meeting my expectations, delivering on what I'd like or what I believe them to be capable of, what am I gonna do?" If your choice is your superpower, how can... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, going back to three, with blaming - like, you are in charge of your choices. You have full control of your choices. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** And so if that's the case, make your own choice. Don't let your choices be against or because of someone else, blaming them, or being in a relationship with someone of any type based upon something that isn't part of your choice. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, I think about this - a really good picture is I grew up living in bigger cities, so I wasn't really exposed to the two-lane road, country road style... |
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