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Like you said, with touch, being able to differentiate between different emotions, it's because it's nuanced. It's more data. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. Right. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[40:00\] When you were in that VR scenario, you didn't just feel better because you felt the floor, it was because you had more data to make a more wise decision. And that's why we need more data around the physicality and the socio-ways we operate as a species. We can't depart completely from touc... |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, I can't speak enough to how thankful I am that German soccer has returned, so I can have some semblance of normal on the weekends... But even watching these guys out on the field - you know, they're still engaging in touch, but doing it in different ways, and I just think there's so much... |
So if I'm to sort of wrap this up and go "Why does touch matter?", it matters because of safety and trust. It matters in terms of how we regulate our emotion, and then manage our relationship. It protects against these harmful effects of stress, and it also helps manage pain. |
Look, fundamentally, physical touch is this foundational element of human development and culture. We need to foster safe social environments wherein we have mediated communication, wherein we still are deliberate about ways in which we can hold on to physical touch in an alternative way. |
**Outro:** \[42:21\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Hey, Mireille, we forgot to talk about something pretty important during the show, so let's put it in the after-show. It's the importance of reciprocation when it comes to touch. How you touch back. Tell us about that. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, I can't believe I left that out. This was just so striking to me, because I work with couples and people in relationships all the time, wherein touch matters; people tend to have different experiences and expectations when it comes to their partner. |
\[44:02\] So what psychologists noted was that while couples who are satisfied with each other do tend to touch more, especially at the beginning of their relationship, the true indicator of a healthy long-term bond is not necessarily how often your partner touches you, but how often they touch you in response to your ... |
The stronger the reciprocity - like, "I give, you give" - the more likely someone is to report feeling this emotional intimacy and satisfaction with their relationship. So as is often true in relationships, satisfaction is as much about what we do for our partner, as it is about what we're getting from them. Ain't that... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah... It's like a journey, like a dance. It's like "I give, you give." The steps are -- like, I'm the left foot, my wife is the right foot... \[unintelligible 00:45:02.24\] but it doesn't matter; the point is we share the role of like my foot goes forward, her foot goes forward, and it's this dept... |
I think it's important to know when you're in these kinds of relationships, to understand how important it is for you to give back as much as you're given. Your response to touch, how important that is... Because it seems logical, but not always awareness of its logic and science. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. And I think that as we talked about on the show, even the way in which you respond matters. It's sort of like, if my husband were to reach out for my hand and I let him have it, but it was super-limp, and like "Meh", right...? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Not involved, not interested... It sends signals. Yes, exactly. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Right? So it's like he's pitching to me, and I'm like "I could take it or leave it" is sort of what I'm saying, which doesn't prompt like "I gotcha" or "I feel ya", and now there's more connection. So if you can think of it sort of like resonance, like I want things to come together and sound ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Like he did not get what he put out. And that, from a learning perspective, isn't going to prompt further reaching out. It's likely going to prompt the opposite, a recoiling... Like "I might be more timid in my approach towards you, because you don't really embrace me back." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, that's also retraction and isolation, so not building the relationship, not coming together... Which is arguably the point of relationship, is to build together, not to retract and isolate. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah, exactly. And I just think that -- like, there's so many things in life, and the longer I've been with my partner, the more I see the value in that; you create these experiences, and everything is enhanced when we do it together. We watch our kids do their thing, be it on the sporting fie... |
We want more of that positive emotion throughout our lives, because again, that buffers more of the negative and the stress. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. My highest mountains in my life are only as high as they are because of who I share them with. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** If I did it in isolation on my own, like "Whatever..." But they're triumphs and wins and milestones only to the point they are because I get to enjoy them with my wife and my kids. They understand our journey together, and those mountain tops and milestones are so much bigger because we're together. |
**Mireille Reece, PsyD:** Yup. And you can never get enough. |
• Goal setting and motivation |
• Delayed gratification and long-term success |
• Instant gratification vs. process-based goals |
• Three types of goals: outcome, performance, and process goals |
• Perfectionism and outcome-based goals |
• Control and variables affecting outcomes |
• Maladaptive perfectionism vs. adaptive perfectionism in high-level athletes |
• Differentiating between outcome goals and performance (process) goals |
• The importance of process goals in achieving desired outcomes |
• Breaking down large goals into smaller, manageable tasks |
• Celebrating small wins and the value of kaizen (small, incremental progress) |
• Focusing on enjoying the process rather than just the end result |
• Setting realistic expectations and understanding what is within one's control |
• SMART goals are discussed as Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely |
• Setting realistic goals is essential to avoid overcommitting or setting unachievable targets |
• Commitment, feedback, complexity, and consideration of personal circumstances are also important factors in goal-setting |
• Overlapping goals on the personal and professional side can reinforce each other, such as work-life balance and family relationships |
• Effective goal-setting requires taking into account various aspects, including interpersonal dynamics and energy allocation. |
• Balancing personal and professional life goals |
• Prioritizing family commitments over other obligations |
• Setting goals that align with one's identity and values |
• Being aware of distractions and addictions (e.g. phone addiction) |
• Importance of presence and being in the moment with loved ones |
• Making sacrifices for the sake of relationships and family |
• Understanding constraints and commitments when setting goals |
• The importance of face-to-face interaction and eye contact in conversation |
• Missing data in text-based communication, including lack of emotional awareness and context |
• The role of social factors and having a supportive community in goal-setting and habit formation |
• Accountability and the benefits of committing to someone or having regular check-ins for achieving goals |
• Involving the community and gathering feedback through channels like Twitter and Slack for improving content and addressing obstacles |
• The importance of sharing personal struggles for accountability and understanding |
• Interpersonal aspects of goal-setting, including social component and feedback |
• Unique human circumstances and how to identify them when setting goals |
• Social pressure and expectations in goal-setting during the start of a new decade |
• Fundamental human motives related to rewards and pain |
• Neuroscience research on willpower and way (cognitive capacities and abilities) |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Good morning, Adam. How are you? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Well, I am preparing for a new decade. How about you? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yes, and I always get excited around this time of year, because I'm very much a goal setter... What about you? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I'm a goal setter. Yes, I'm a goal setter. I think I let myself fail too often, or at least in my own eyes, because I have such high expectations from myself... So I feel like I'm a goal setter, and then I think I fail a lot, too. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Well, I think that's a great part with setting goals though, in that we don't get better at anything we don't practice, and at least if you're practicing, you're moving in the right direction. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. I look at failure as progress. If you're not failing, you're not trying. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Sure, exactly. And I would say too that even the failure is feedback, so it gives you an opportunity to redo, revise and look at other ways that you could optimize... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Ooh, okay... |
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