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That’s right! I want to choose happiness, and choose freedom! | When one attempts to choose freedom, it is only natural that one may lose one’s way. At this juncture, Adlerian psychology holds up a “guiding star” as a grand compass pointing to a life of freedom. |
My life is determined at this exact point? | Yes, because the past does not exist. |
So not only did I choose to be unhappy, but I even went so far as to choose this warped personality, too? | Absolutely. |
But is it really that easy to not respond to provocation? In the first place, how would you say I should control my anger? | When you control your anger, you’re “bearing it,” right? Instead, let’s learn a way to settle things without using the emotion of anger. Because after all, anger is a tool. A means for achieving a goal. |
Well, intellectually it is. | In other words, value is something that’s based on a social context. The value given to a one-dollar bill is not an objectively attributed value, though that might be a commonsense approach. If one considers its actual cost as printed material, the value is nowhere near a dollar. If I were the only person in this world and no one else existed, I’d probably be putting those one-dollar bills in my fireplace in wintertime. Maybe I’d be using them to blow my nose. Following exactly the same logic, there should have been no reason at all for me to worry about my height. |
When a person is able to feel that he has worth? | Do you recall when we were discussing the feeling of inferiority that I spoke of this as being an issue of subjective worth? Is one able to feel one has worth, or does one feel one is a worthless being? If one is able to feel one has worth, then one can accept oneself just as one is and have the courage to face one’s life tasks. So the issue that arises at this point is how on earth can one become able to feel one has worth? |
A guiding star? | Just like the traveler who relies on the North Star, in our lives we need a guiding star. That is the Adlerian psychology way of thinking. It is an expansive ideal that says, as long as we do not lose sight of this compass and keep on moving in this direction, there is happiness. |
Okay. There’s one more thing I’d like to ask about your basic stance. Are you a philosopher? Or are you a psychologist? | I am a philosopher, a person who lives philosophy. And, for me, Adlerian psychology is a form of thought that is in line with Greek philosophy, and that is philosophy. |
What is the same about it? Try and give me a more everyday example, please. If you can’t, I won’t be able to agree with this. | All right. When we look at other people, we are prone to construct our own ideal images of ourselves, which we then detract from and judge. Imagine, for example, a child who never talks back to his parents, excels in both schoolwork and sports, attends a good university, and joins a large company. There are parents who will compare their child to such an image of an ideal child—which is an impossible fiction—and then be filled with complaints and dissatisfaction. They treat the idealized image as one hundred points, and they gradually subtract from that. This is truly a “judgment” way of thinking. Instead, the parents could refrain from comparing their child to anyone else, see him for who he actually is, and be glad and grateful for his being there. Instead of taking away points from some idealized image, they could start from zero. And if they do that, they should be able to call out to his existence itself. |
You call out to their existence? What on earth are you talking about? | If you consider things at the level of being, we are of use to others and have worth just by being here. This is an indisputable fact. |
It’s enough if one can dance in the now? | Yes. With dance, it is the dancing itself that is the goal, and no one is concerned with arriving somewhere by doing it. Naturally, it may happen that one arrives somewhere as a result of having danced. Since one is dancing, one does not stay in the same place. But there is no destination. |
But I guess I still don’t really get it. | Okay, ask me anything you like. |
So you are saying that the reason I am not happy is that I don’t have a feeling of contribution? | That is correct. |
That’s right! We can’t change the past, and that’s precisely why life is so hard. | Life isn’t just hard. If the past determined everything and couldn’t be changed, we who are living today would no longer be able to take effective steps forward in our lives. What would happen as a result? We would end up with the kind of nihilism and pessimism that loses hope in the world and gives up on life. The Freudian etiology that is typified by the trauma argument is determinism in a different form, and it is the road to nihilism. Are you going to accept values like that? |
Hmm. | Right now, you are only concerned about the times you were taken advantage of, and nothing else. You focus only on the pain from the wounds you sustained on such occasions. But if you are afraid to have confidence in others, in the long run you will not be able to build deep relationships with anyone. |
It’s the idea that being of use to someone is what gives one a true awareness of one’s worth. If you put it the other way around, a person who isn’t of any use to others has no worth at all. That’s what you are saying, isn’t it? If one takes that to its logical conclusion, then the lives of newborn babies and of invalids and old people who are bedridden aren’t worth living either. How could this be? Let’s talk about my grandfather. He spends his days bedridden at an old people’s home. Since he has dementia, he doesn’t recognize any of his children or grandchildren, and his condition is such that he would not be able to go on living without constant care. One simply couldn’t think of him as being of use to someone. Don’t you see? Your opinion is basically the same thing as saying to my grandfather, “People like you aren’t qualified to live!” | I reject that definitively. |
Huh? | In other words, he is espousing that community is not merely one of the preexisting frameworks that the word might bring to mind but is also inclusive of literally everything—the entire universe, from the past to the future. |
Ah, that’s a feeling I know well. That’s me in a nutshell. Not a day goes by without me tormenting myself that there’s no point in being alive. | Well, then, let’s have a look at my own feelings of inferiority. When you first met me, what was your impression? In terms of physical characteristics. |
That’s what I’m hoping to find out! So let’s take it as far as we can, until either you retract your theory or I bow before you. Are You Okay Just As You Are? | Okay, let’s go back to your query. So you’d like to be a more upbeat person, like Y? |
I don’t know—a rival, I guess? | No, not a mere rival. Before you know it, you start to see each and every person, everyone in the whole world, as your enemy. |
Then I wish you would provide concrete examples of what you consider to be contribution to others. | The most easily understood contribution to others is probably work. To be in society and join the workforce. Or to do the work of taking care of one’s household. Labor is not a means of earning money. It is through labor that one makes contributions to others and commits to one’s community, and that one truly feels “I am of use to someone” and even comes to accept one’s existential worth. |
How about you? Do you like yourself? | At the very least, I do not think I would like to be a different person and I accept who I am. |
No way. That’s unreasonable. | Why is it unreasonable? |
Then how can I get a feeling of contribution? By working? Through volunteer activities? | Earlier, we were talking about desire for recognition. In response to my statement that one must not seek recognition, you said that desire for recognition is a universal desire. |
It’s because of their rebuking that he doesn’t stop the problem behavior? | Exactly. Because the parents and other adults are giving him attention through the act of rebuking. |
Tendencies of thought and action? | How one sees the world. And how one sees oneself. Think of lifestyle as a concept bringing together these ways of finding meaning. In a narrow sense, lifestyle could be defined as someone’s personality; taken more broadly, it is a word that encompasses the worldview of that person and his or her outlook on life. |
So what can one do? | What I can say at this stage is: You must not run away. No matter how distressful the relationship, you must not avoid or put off dealing with it. Even if in the end you’re going to cut it with scissors, first you have to face it. The worst thing to do is to just stand still with the situation as it is. It is fundamentally impossible for a person to live life completely alone, and it is only in social contexts that the person becomes an “individual.” That is why in Adlerian psychology, self-reliance as an individual and cooperation within society are put forth as overarching objectives. Then, how can one achieve these objectives? On this point, Adler speaks of surmounting the three tasks of work, friendship, and love, the tasks of the interpersonal relationships that a living person has no choice but to confront. The youth was still struggling to grasp their true meaning. Don’t Fall for the “Life-Lie” |
Hmm. I don’t know, it’s starting to get a bit confusing. | We are getting to the heart of the discussion now. Please stick with me awhile longer. It is about having concern for others, building horizontal relationships, and taking the approach of encouragement. All these things connect to the deep life awareness of “I am of use to someone,” and in turn, to your courage to live. |
Well, if we were still living at a time when religion held sway, salvation might be an option because the teachings of the divine were everything to us. All we had to do was obey them and consequently have little to think about. But religion has lost its power and now there is no real belief in God. With nothing to rely on, everyone is filled with anxiety and doubt. Everyone is living for themselves. That is how society is today, so please tell me—given these realities and in the light of what I have said—can you still say the world is simple? | That is not because the world is complicated. It’s because you are making the world complicated. |
Will it be possible for me to make close friends? | Of course it will. If you change, those around you will change too. They will have no choice but to change. Adlerian psychology is a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others. Instead of waiting for others to change or waiting for the situation to change, you take the first step forward yourself. |
Then what if I’ve placed unconditional confidence in a friend in order to make our relationship better? I’ve jumped through all sorts of hoops for this friend, gladly satisfied any requests for money, and been unstinting with my time and efforts in his regard. But even in such cases, there are times when one is taken advantage of. For example, if one were horribly taken advantage of by a person one has believed in completely, wouldn’t that experience lead one to a lifestyle with an “other people are my enemies” outlook? | It seems that you have not yet gained an understanding of the goal of confidence. Suppose, for example, that you are in a love relationship, but you are having doubts about your partner and you think to yourself, I’ll bet she’s cheating on me. And you start making desperate efforts in search of evidence to prove that. What do you think would happen as a result? |
Excuse me for saying so, but you’re escaping into abstract theory. The issue we should be addressing here is the sense of belonging, that “it’s okay to be here.” And then, with regard to the meaning of this sense of belonging, it is the community we can see that is stronger. You will agree with that, won’t you? For example, if we compare the “company” community with the “earth” community, the sense of belonging of someone who says “I am a member of this company” would be stronger. To borrow your terminology, the distance and depth of the interpersonal relations are completely different. It’s only natural that when we search for a sense of belonging, we will be attracted to the smaller community. | That is a perceptive observation. So let’s start thinking about why we should be aware of multiple and larger communities. As I stated earlier, all of us belong to multiple communities. We belong to our households, our schools, our workplaces, and the local societies and the countries in which we live. This far you agree, yes? |
Well, that might be the case in that setting, anyway. | Now, how come I have a feeling of contribution in that setting? I have it because I am able to think of the members of my family as comrades. If I cannot do that, inevitably there will be thoughts running through my head like, Why am I the only one doing this? and Why won’t anyone give me a hand? Contribution that is carried out while one is seeing other people as enemies may indeed lead to hypocrisy. But if other people are one’s comrades, that should never happen, regardless of the contributions one makes. You have been fixating on the word “hypocrisy” because you do not understand community feeling yet. |
So you have to draw the line even with family? | Actually, with families there is less distance, so it’s all the more necessary to consciously separate the tasks. |
I chose to be unhappy? How can I possibly accept that? | There’s nothing extraordinary about it. It’s been repeated ever since the classical Greek era. Have you heard the saying “No one desires evil”? It’s a proposition generally known as a Socratic paradox. |
Meaning what, exactly? You’re the Only One Worrying About Your Appearance | Let’s tie up the loose ends. At the outset, you expressed dissatisfaction with Adler’s definition that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems, right? That was the basis for our discussion on feelings of inferiority. |
What does that mean? | Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be “this kind of person.” In other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives. And please remember this: If you are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, it follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations. Someone might not act the way you want him to, but it doesn’t do to get angry. That’s only natural. |
Hmm. I don’t really get it. In the first place, how can you tell whose task it is? From my point of view, realistically speaking, getting one’s child to study is the duty of the parents. Because almost no child studies just out of enjoyment, and after all is said and done, the parent is the child’s guardian. | It’s true that one often hears parents today using the phrase “It’s for your own good.” But they are clearly doing so in order to fulfill their own goals, which could be their appearance in the eyes of society, their need to put on airs, or their desire for control, for example. In other words, it is not “for your own good” but for the parents’. And it is because the child senses this deception that he rebels. |
No way. Now you’ve lost me. The universe? Past and future? What on earth are you talking about? | The majority of those who hear this have similar doubts. This is not something one can comprehend immediately. Adler himself acknowledged that the community he was espousing was “an unattainable ideal.” |
What a silly question. As you can surely tell from our discussion up to now, I’m just a huge blob of feelings of inferiority. | What are those feelings, specifically? |
Please give me some time. Just once more, I would like some time to try to figure things out on my own. Our discussion today has given me much to think about. I would like to take it all home and ruminate on it calmly on my own. | It takes time to gain a true understanding of community feeling. It would be quite impossible to understand everything about it right here and now. Please return to your home and give it some careful thought, while checking it against everything else we have discussed. |
Are you saying that as long as you keep yourself shut up inside the teacup, you’ll never stand a chance outside it? | Secluding yourself in your room is akin to staying in the teacup, as if you are hunkering down in a small shelter. You might be able to wait out the rain for a short while, but the storm will continue unabated. |
As I said before, I blew my top. I was deeply frustrated. | No. You could have explained matters without raising your voice, and the waiter would most likely have given you a sincere apology, wiped your jacket with a clean cloth, and taken other appropriate measures. He might have even arranged for it to be dry-cleaned. And somewhere in your mind, you were anticipating that he might do these things but, even so, you shouted. The procedure of explaining things in normal words felt like too much trouble, and you tried to get out of that and make this unresisting person submit to you. The tool you used to do this was the emotion of anger. |
So anger is a means to achieve a goal? | That is what teleology says. |
He engages in problem behavior in order to upset his parents? | That’s right. There are probably a lot of people who feel mystified by seeing a child who cuts his wrists, and they think, Why would he do such a thing? But try to think how the people around the child—the parents, for instance—will feel as a result of the behavior of wrist cutting. If you do, the goal behind the behavior should come into view of its own accord. |
And that is? | It is that the power of one person is great, or, rather, “my power is immeasurably great.” |
Oh, nonsense! What an absurd idea! Live Like You’re Dancing | What is wrong with it? |
It’s a universal desire! | Even so, regardless of our efforts, there are people who dislike me and people who dislike you. This, too, is a fact. When you are disliked, or feel that you are being disliked, by someone, what state of mind does it put you in? |
In other words, the feelings of inferiority we’re suffering from are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts? | Exactly. Seeing it from my friend’s point of view that I get people to relax or that I don’t intimidate them—such aspects can become strong points. Of course, this is a subjective interpretation. You could even say it’s an arbitrary assumption. However, there is one good thing about subjectivity: It allows you to make your own choice. Precisely because I am leaving it to subjectivity, the choice to view my height as either an advantage or disadvantage is left open to me. |
And that action isn’t forced? | No, it’s not. Without forcing, and with the tasks always kept separate, one assists the child to resolve them by his own efforts. It’s the approach of “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” He is the one who has to face his tasks, and he is the one who makes the resolution. |
No! That’s not what I was talking about, you’re changing the subject again. The courage to overcome the fear of being taken advantage of—where does it come from? | It comes from self-acceptance. If one can simply accept oneself as one is, and ascertain what one can do and what one cannot, one becomes able to understand that “taking advantage” is the other person’s task, and getting to the core of “confidence in others” becomes less difficult. |
Separation of tasks? That’s a new term. Let’s hear about it. The youth’s irritation had reached its peak. Deny the desire for recognition? Don’t satisfy other people’s expectations? Live in a more self-centered way? What on earth was this philosopher saying? Isn’t the desire for recognition itself people’s greatest motivator for associating with each other and going about the formation of society? The youth wondered, What if this “separation of tasks” idea doesn’t win me over? I won’t be able to accept this man, or Adler for that matter, for the rest of my life. How to Separate Tasks | Say there’s a child who has a hard time studying. He doesn’t pay attention in class, doesn’t do his homework, and even leaves his books at school. Now, what would you do if you were his father? |
How can you be so sure? | For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself. Adler came up with an extremely simple answer to address this reality. Namely, that the feeling of “I am beneficial to the community” or “I am of use to someone” is the only thing that can give one a true awareness that one has worth. |
Well, I guess that would depend on the situation. | No, in every instance, you would find an abundance of evidence that she has been cheating on you. |
How? Where am I wrong? | What you are calling a causal relationship is something that Adler explains as “apparent cause and effect.” That is to say, you convince yourself that there is some serious causal relationship where there is none whatsoever. The other day, someone told me, “The reason I can’t get married easily is that my parents got divorced when I was a child.” From the viewpoint of Freudian etiology (the attributing of causes), the parents’ divorce was a great trauma, which connects in a clear causal relationship with one’s views on marriage. Adler, however, with his stance of teleology (the attributing of purpose), rejects such arguments as “apparent cause and effect.” |
Concretely, how are they different? | There is nothing particularly wrong with the feeling of inferiority itself. You understand this point now, right? As Adler says, the feeling of inferiority can be a trigger for striving and growth. For instance, if one had a feeling of inferiority with regard to one’s education, and resolved to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I’ll just have to try harder than anyone else, that would be a desirable direction. The inferiority complex, on the other hand, refers to a condition of having begun to use one’s feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse. So one thinks to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, or I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get married. When someone is insisting on the logic of “A is the situation, so B cannot be done” in such a way in everyday life, that is not something that fits in the feeling of inferiority category. It is an inferiority complex. |
Oh, okay! | So cast away the life-lie and fearlessly shine a bright spotlight on here and now. That is something you can do. |
Look, in your refutation of etiology, you rejected focusing on the past. You said that the past does not exist, and that it has no meaning. I acknowledge those points. It is true that one cannot change the past. If there is something that can be changed, it is the future. But now, by advocating this energeial way of living, you are refuting planning; that is to say, you are rejecting even changing one’s future of one’s own volition. So while you reject looking back, you are rejecting looking forward, too. It’s like you’re telling me to just walk blindfolded along a pathless path. | You can see neither behind you nor in front of you? |
That is such a self-serving argument! Are you saying one should think only about oneself and live self-righteously? | In the teachings of Judaism, one finds a view that goes something like this: If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you? You are living only your own life. When it comes to who you are living it for, of course it’s you. And then, if you are not living your life for yourself, who could there be to live it instead of you? Ultimately, we live thinking about “I.” There is no reason that we must not think that way. |
All right, I guess you were smaller than I’d imagined. | Thank you. I am 61 inches tall. Adler was apparently around the same height. There was a time—until I was right around your age, actually—when I was concerned about my height. I was sure that things would be different if I were of average height, eight or even just four inches taller. As if a more enjoyable life were waiting for me. I talked to a friend about it when I was having these feelings, and he said it was “a bunch of nonsense” and simply dismissed it. |
I still don’t really know what I am looking for or what I’ll want to do in the future. But I know that I’ve got to do something. There’s no way I’m going to spend the rest of my days working in a university library. When I find a dream that I can devote my life to, and I attain self-realization, that’s when I’ll experience true happiness. My father was someone who buried himself in his work from day to night, and I have no idea if that was happiness to him or not. To my eyes, at least, he seemed forever busy and never happy. That is not the kind of life I want to lead. | All right. If you think about this point using children who engage in problem behavior as an example, it might be easier to grasp. |
Uh-oh, your argument is starting to crumble here, isn’t it? You’ve done a wonderful job of digging your own grave. In order to satisfy the “I,” one makes oneself of service to others. Isn’t that the very definition of hypocrisy? I said it before: Your entire argument is hypocritical. It’s a slippery argument. Look, I would rather believe in the villain who is honest about his desires than the good guy who tells a pack of lies. | Those are a lot of hasty conclusions. You do not understand community feeling yet. |
I say, “Thank you.” | Right. You convey words of gratitude, saying thank you to this partner who has helped you with your work. You might express straightforward delight: “I’m glad.” Or you could convey your thanks by saying, “That was a big help.” This is an approach to encouragement that is based on horizontal relationships. |
It’s something that is different for each person. I suppose there are those who want to succeed in society and those who have more personal objectives—a researcher endeavoring to develop a wonder drug, for instance, or an artist who strives to create a satisfying body of work. | What is it for you? |
Okay, but please be brief. | Earlier you said that any person’s disposition or personality cannot be changed. In Adlerian psychology, we describe personality and disposition with the word “lifestyle.” |
Hmm. All right, please go on. | In any case, whether it is one’s studies or one’s participation in sports, either way one needs to make a constant effort if one is to produce any kind of significant results. But the children who try to be especially bad—that is to say, the ones who engage in problem behavior—are endeavoring to attract the attention of other people even as they continue to avoid any such healthy effort. In Adlerian psychology, this is referred to as the “pursuit of easy superiority.” Take, for example, the problem child who disrupts lessons by throwing erasers or speaking in a loud voice. He is certain to get the attention of his friends and teachers. Even if it is something that is limited to that place, he will probably succeed in becoming a special being. But that is a pursuit of easy superiority, and it is an unhealthy attitude. |
Wow! That’s straight from the mouth of a con man. You’re not telling me you fell for that, are you? | What is happiness to human beings? This is a subject that has been one of the consistent threads of philosophy since ancient times. I had always regarded psychology as nothing more than a field of philosophy, and as such had very little interest in psychology as a whole. So it was as a student of philosophy that I had concerned myself, in my own way, with the question: What is happiness? I would be remiss if I did not admit to having felt some reluctance on hearing Christensen’s words. However, at the same time that I experienced that reluctance, I realized something. I had given much deep thought to the true character of happiness. I had searched for answers. But I had not always given deep thought to the question: How can one be happy? It occurred to me then that even though I was a student of philosophy, maybe I wasn’t happy. |
Okay, but I’d say that’s just an idealistic approach. So are you saying that even with the kind of child who never goes to school or gets a job, but just shuts himself in and stays home, one should still communicate one’s gratitude and say thank you? | Of course. Suppose your shut-in child helped you wash the dishes after a meal. If you were to say then, “Enough of that already—just go to school,” you would be using the words of such parents who detract from an image of an ideal child. If you were to take such an approach, the child would probably end up even more discouraged. However, if you can say a straightforward thank you, the child just might feel his own worth and take a new step forward. |
So it’s that statement: “It’s not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.” | That’s right. Thank you for remembering it. Freudian etiology is a psychology of possession, and eventually it arrives at determinism. Adlerian psychology, on the other hand, is a psychology of use, and it is you who decides it. |
I am not the center of the world. Our world is a globe, not a map that has been cut out on a plane. Well, I can understand that in theory, anyway. But why do I have to be aware of the fact that I’m not the center of the world? | Now we will go back to where we started. All of us are searching for the sense of belonging, that “it’s okay to be here.” In Adlerian psychology, however, a sense of belonging is something that one can attain only by making an active commitment to the community of one’s own accord, and not simply by being here. |
No, that doesn’t make sense—the second thing you’re saying is beyond a feeling of inferiority. That’s really more bravado than anything else, isn’t it? | Indeed. The inferiority complex can also develop into another special mental state. |
I’m your . . . irreplaceable friend? No, I won’t think anything about that right now. Let’s just keep going. What about the last one, the task of love? | Think of it as divided into two stages: one, what are known as love relationships; and two, relationships with family, in particular parent-child relationships. We have discussed work and friendship, but of the three tasks, most likely it is the task of love that is the most difficult. When a friend relationship has turned into love, speech and conduct that were permitted between friends may no longer be permitted the moment they become lovers. Specifically, that would mean not permitting socializing with friends of the opposite sex, and in some cases just speaking on the telephone to someone of the opposite sex is enough to arouse jealousy. The distance is that close, and the relationship that deep. |
All right, then. So let’s get started! Not Self-Affirmation— Self-Acceptance | First of all, let’s look at what you were just saying, about your self- consciousness putting the brakes on and not letting you behave in an innocent way. There are probably many people who experience this trouble. So let’s go back to the source again and think about your goal. What could you be trying to gain by putting the brakes on your own innocent behavior? |
What do you mean? | Well, in other words, if “I” change, the world will change. This means that the world can be changed only by me and no one else will change it for me. The world that has appeared to me since learning of Adlerian psychology is not the world I once knew. |
No way. That contradicts everything you’ve been saying until now. Because isn’t receiving recognition from others supposed to be a means for gaining a feeling of contribution? And then you say, “Happiness is the feeling of contribution.” If it is, then fulfilling one’s desire for recognition is directly linked with happiness, isn’t it? Ha-ha! At last, you’ve acknowledged the necessity of the desire for recognition. | You are forgetting an important issue. If one’s means for gaining a feeling of contribution turns out to be “being recognized by others,” in the long run, one will have no choice but to walk through life in accordance with other people’s wishes. There is no freedom in a feeling of contribution that is gained through the desire for recognition. We are beings who choose freedom while aspiring to happiness. |
Why’s that? | The moment one is convinced that “I am right” in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle. |
Ouch, that hurts. What a sadist; you’re diabolical! Okay, yes, it’s true: I am afraid. I don’t want to get hurt in interpersonal relationships. I’m terrified of being snubbed for who I am. It’s hard to admit it, but you are right. | Admitting is a good attitude. But don’t forget, it’s basically impossible to not get hurt in your relations with other people. When you enter into interpersonal relationships, it is inevitable that to a greater or lesser extent you will get hurt, and you will hurt someone, too. Adler says, “To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone.” But one can’t do such a thing. All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems |
But you just rejected that and said it was out of the question. Well, I guess that’s just how it is. I was just saying that to give you a hard time—I know myself well enough. I could never be someone like that. | Why not? |
Okay, that is an interesting interpretation. But if that were really the case, wouldn’t it be impossible to do anything to help her? Since she simultaneously needs that fear of blushing and is suffering because of it, there’d be no end to her troubles. | Well, this is what I told her: “Fear of blushing is easy to cure.” She asked, “Really?” I went on: “But I will not cure it.” She pressed me “Why?” I explained, “Look, it’s thanks to your fear of blushing that you can accept your dissatisfaction with yourself and the world around you, and with a life that isn’t going well. It’s thanks to your fear of blushing, and it’s caused by it.” She asked, “How could it be . . . ?” I went on: “If I did cure it, and nothing in your situation changed at all, what would you do? You’d probably come here again and say, ‘Give me back my fear of blushing.’ And that would be beyond my abilities.” |
What does that mean? | One makes a show of being on good terms with a powerful person (broadly speaking—it could be anyone from the leader of your school class to a famous celebrity). And by doing that, one lets it be known that one is special. Behaviors like misrepresenting one’s work experience or excessive allegiance to particular brands of clothing are forms of giving authority, and probably also have aspects of the superiority complex. In each case, it isn’t that the “I” is actually superior or special. It is only that one is making the “I” look superior by linking it to authority. In short, it’s a fabricated feeling of superiority. |
But previously, you spoke of the goal of problem behavior as being revenge on the parents, right? Does that connect with this in some way? | Yes. “Revenge” and “pursuit of easy superiority” are easily linked. One makes trouble for another person while trying at the same time to be “special.” The Courage to Be Normal |
That’s some conclusion. | The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness. You Hold the Cards to Interpersonal Relationships |
Kinetic? Energeial? | Let’s refer to Aristotle’s explanation. Ordinary motion—which is referred to as kinesis—has a starting point and an end point. The movement from the starting point to the end point is optimal if it is carried out as efficiently and as quickly as possible. If one can take an express train, there is no need to ride the local one that makes every stop. |
I’m now working as a librarian at a university library. My parents wanted me to take on my father’s printing plant, like my brother did. Because of this, ever since I started my current job, our relationship has been somewhat strained. If they weren’t my parents, and instead were enemy-like presences in my life, I probably wouldn’t have minded at all. Because no matter how much they might have tried to interfere, I could always just ignore them. But as I’ve said, parents to me are not enemies. Whether or not they are comrades is another matter, but, at the very least, they are not what I would call enemies. It’s a relationship that is much too close to be able to just ignore their intentions. | When you decided which university you would go to in line with your parents’ wishes, what sort of emotion did you feel with regard to your parents? |
Hmm . . . | The fact is that you came like this to visit me in my room. And, in you, I have found a young friend. |
But . . . but that’s . . . | Is something wrong? |
That’s an extreme example—everyday life is different. | No, it is the same. |
So would you say that people like me, who fear being judged by others, are self-centered, too? Even though I try so hard to be mindful of others and adjust myself to them? | Yes. In the sense that you are concerned solely with the “I,” you are self-centered. You want to be thought well of by others, and that is why you worry about the way they look at you. That is not concern for others. It is nothing but attachment to self. |
Great! One last thing, if I may. Our discussion today was long and got pretty intense, and I guess I spoke rather rudely. For that, I would like to apologize. | Don’t worry about it. You should read Plato’s dialogues. The conduct and language of the disciples of Socrates are surprisingly loose. That’s the way a dialogue is supposed to be. THE SECOND NIGHT: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems The young man was as good as his word. Exactly one week later, he returned to the philosopher’s study. Truth be told, he’d felt the urge to rush back there only two or three days after his first visit. He had turned things over in his mind very carefully, and his doubts had turned to certainty. In short, teleology, the attributing of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause, was a sophistry, and the existence of trauma was beyond question. People cannot simply forget the past, and neither can they become free from it. Today, the young man decided, he’d thoroughly dismantle this eccentric philosopher’s theories and settle matters once and for all. Why You Dislike Yourself |
All right, so let’s talk about “now.” Last time, you said that people fabricate the emotion of anger, right? And that that is the standpoint of teleology. I still cannot accept that statement. For example, how would you explain instances of anger toward society, or anger toward government? Would you say that these, too, are emotions fabricated in order to push one’s opinions? | Certainly, there are times when I feel indignation with regard to social problems. But I would say that rather than a sudden burst of emotion, it is indignation based on logic. There is a difference between personal anger (personal grudge) and indignation with regard to society’s contradictions and injustices (righteous indignation). Personal anger soon cools. Righteous indignation, on the other hand, lasts for a long time. Anger as an expression of a personal grudge is nothing but a tool for making others submit to you. |
Where is that star? | It is contribution to others. |
I don’t want to accept them, but the past is so powerful. | Think of the possibilities. If one assumes that people are beings who can change, a set of values based on etiology becomes untenable, and one is compelled to take the position of teleology as a matter of course. |
What do you mean? | The goal of shouting came before anything else. That is to say, by shouting, you wanted to make the waiter submit to you and listen to what you had to say. As a means to do that, you fabricated the emotion of anger. |
So one can have happiness only if one has freedom? | Yes. Freedom as an institution may differ depending on the country, the times, or the culture. But freedom in our interpersonal relations is universal. |
That’s just utterly hypocritical! It’s nothing more than the nonsensical talk of a hypocrite. It sounds like the “neighborly love” that Christians talk about. The community feeling, the horizontal relationships, the gratitude for existence, and so on. Who on earth could actually do such things? | With regard to this issue of community feeling, there was a person who asked Adler a similar question. Adler’s reply was the following: “Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: you should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not.” My advice is exactly the same. People Cannot Make Proper Use of Self |
Confidence in others. In other words, believing in others? | By contrast, from the standpoint of Adlerian psychology, the basis of interpersonal relations is founded not on trust but on confidence. |
Yes, I see your point. | But what happens when a globe is used to represent the world? Because with a globe, you can look at the world with France at the center, or China, or Brazil, for that matter. Every place is central, and no place is, at the same time. The globe may be dotted with an infinite number of centers, in accordance with the viewer’s location and angle of view. That is the nature of a globe. |
Well, for instance, if I see something in a newspaper about a person around my age, someone who’s really successful, I’m always overcome with these feelings of inferiority. If someone else who’s lived the same amount of time I have is so successful, then what on earth am I doing with myself? Or when I see a friend who seems happy, before I even feel like celebrating with him, I’m filled with envy and frustration. Of course, this pimple-covered face doesn’t help matters, and I’ve got strong feelings of inferiority when it comes to my education and occupation. And then there’s my income and social standing. I guess I’m just completely riddled with feelings of inferiority. | I see. Incidentally, Adler is thought to be the first to use the term “feeling of inferiority” in the kind of context in which it is spoken of today. |
A map of the world? What are you talking about? | For example, on the map of the world used in France, the Americas are located on the left side, and Asia is on the right. Europe and France are depicted at the center of the map, of course. The map of the world used in China, on the other hand, shows the Americas on the right side and Europe on the left. French people who see the Chinese map of the world will most likely experience a difficult-to-describe sense of incongruity, as if they have been driven unjustly to the fringes, or cut out of the world arbitrarily. |
A power struggle? | For instance, a child will tease an adult with various pranks and misbehaviors. In many cases, this is done with the goal of getting attention and will cease just before the adult gets genuinely angry. However, if the child does not stop before the adult gets genuinely angry, then his goal is actually to get in a fight. |
End of preview. Expand in Data Studio
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