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So the child can just ignore his parents’ intentions and live however he pleases? | There is no reason of any sort that one should not live one’s life as one pleases. |
Well, maybe in theory, anyway. But it’s hard to break out. The decision to withdraw from school itself isn’t something to be taken lightly. | I am sure you are right—it would not be easy. Therefore, there is a principle of action that I would like you to commit to memory. When we run into difficulties in our interpersonal relations, or when we can no longer see a way out, what we should consider first and foremost is the principle that says, “Listen to the v... |
So this connects to what you were saying about all problems being interpersonal relationship problems? | Yes, that’s correct. An Inferiority Complex Is an Excuse |
Gradually, but yes, it’s getting clearer. You don’t seem to be aware of it, but just now you said something really over the top. It’s a dangerous, rather extreme opinion that just negates everything in the world. | Oh, really? What is it? |
You aren’t running away from it, right? | Of course not. Next time, we will probably discuss freedom. |
I suppose it’s what you’ve been referring to as interpersonal relations. From childhood up to the present, I have always been belittled by people around me, especially my parents, as a poor excuse for a little brother. They have never really tried to recognize me for who I am. You say that worth is something one gives ... | From an Adlerian psychology point of view, the answer is simple. First of all, build a horizontal relationship between yourself and another person. One is enough. Let’s start from there. |
But how is that even possible? | Consider the reality of the act of praise. For example, suppose I praised a statement you made by saying, “Good job!” Wouldn’t hearing those words seem strange somehow? |
Indeed. | When a client shows up requesting a cure from fear of blushing, the counselor must not cure the symptoms. Then recovery is likely to be even more difficult. That is the Adlerian psychology way of thinking about this kind of thing. |
Pursuit of superiority? | This is something you could think of as simply “hoping to improve” or “pursuing an ideal state.” For instance, a toddler learns to steady himself on both legs. He has the universal desire to learn language and to improve. And all the advancements of science throughout human history are due to this “pursuit of superiori... |
What one can change, and what one cannot. | That’s right. Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept “this me” just as it is. And have the courage to change what one can change. That is self-acceptance. |
Well, didn’t he unravel the legendary knot with ease, and go on to become the ruler of Asia? | No, that’s not how it happened. As soon as Alexander the Great saw how tight the knot was, he pulled out his sword and sliced it in half with one stroke. |
So concretely speaking, how does one go about this? One cannot praise, and one cannot rebuke. What other words and choices are there? | Think about a time when you’ve had help in your work—not from a child but from a partner who is your equal—and you will probably see the answer right away. When a friend helps you clean your home, what do you say to him? |
But how . . . ? It would be impossible for all human beings to be especially good, or anything like that, wouldn’t it? No matter what, people have their strengths and weaknesses, and there will always be differences. There’s only a handful of geniuses in the world, and not everyone is cut out to be an honors student. S... | Yes, it’s that Socratic paradox, that no one desires evil. Because to children who engage in problem behavior, even violent acts and theft are accomplishments of “good.” |
I suppose so, but . . . | But do other people actually look at you so much? Are they really watching you around the clock and lying in wait for the perfect moment to attack? It seems rather unlikely. A young friend of mine, when he was a teenager, used to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror arranging his hair. And once, when he was doing... |
Of course. If I could change, if I could start life all over again, I would gladly fall to my knees before you. But it could turn out that you’ll be down on your knees before me. | You remind me of myself during my own student days, when I was a hot-blooded young man searching for the truth, traipsing about, calling on philosophers . . . |
What is it? | In short, that “freedom is being disliked by other people.” |
Well, I don’t mean to contradict you, but not everyone can become Alexander the Great. Isn’t it precisely because there was no one else who could have cut the knot that the anecdote portraying it as a heroic deed is still conveyed to this day? It’s exactly the same with the separation of tasks. Even though one knows on... | One can build them. The separation of tasks is not the objective for interpersonal relationships. Rather, it is the gateway. |
Huh? This is getting pretty confusing. | Okay, let’s go over things one at a time. The condition of having a feeling of inferiority is a condition of feeling some sort of lack in oneself in the present situation. So then, the question is— |
Is this something that is conveyed by the words “equal but not the same”? | Yes. Equal, that is to say, horizontal. For example, there are men who verbally abuse their wives, who do all the housework, with such remarks as “You’re not bringing in any money, so I don’t want to hear it” or “It’s thanks to me that there’s food on the table.” And I’m sure you’ve heard this one before: “You have eve... |
Why is that? | Well, what does a person have to do to get courage? In Adler’s view, “It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.” |
So when you say “contribute,” you mean to show a spirit of self-sacrifice and to be of service to those around you? | Contribution to others does not connote self-sacrifice. Adler goes so far as to warn that those who sacrifice their own lives for others are people who have conformed to society too much. And please do not forget: We are truly aware of our own worth only when we feel that our existence and behavior are beneficial to th... |
If only it weren’t for this, I could do it, too. | Yes. As Adler points out, no one is capable of putting up with having feelings of inferiority for a long period of time. Feelings of inferiority are something that everyone has, but staying in that condition is too heavy to endure forever. |
Life is meaningless? | The world in which we live is constantly beset by all manner of horrendous events, and we exist with the ravages of war and natural disasters all around us. When confronted by the fact of children dying in the turmoil of war, there is no way one can go on about the meaning of life. In other words, there is no meaning i... |
You mean those people whose lifestyle is all about work? | Yes. People whose lives lack harmony. |
Harmony of life? | In the teachings of Judaism, one finds the following anecdote: “If there are ten people, one will be someone who criticizes you no matter what you do. This person will come to dislike you, and you will not learn to like him either. Then, there will be two others who accept everything about you and whom you accept too, ... |
The goal being revenge? | Yes. And once the interpersonal relationship reaches the revenge stage, it is almost impossible for either party to find a solution. To prevent this from happening, when one is challenged to a power struggle, one must never allow oneself to be taken in. Admitting Fault Is Not Defeat |
That’s ridiculous! Why would I do that? | So that you could avoid an interpersonal relationship with Mr. A. |
It’s complicated. I did have feelings of resentment, but on the other hand there was this sense of relief, too. You know, that I could get them to recognize me if I went to that school. | I see. Let’s talk about one of the major premises of Adlerian psychology regarding this matter. Adlerian psychology denies the need to seek recognition from others. |
That’s strange. Didn’t you say that we are living in a subjective world? As long as the world is a subjective space, I am the only one who can be at its center. I won’t let anyone else be there. | I think that when you speak of “the world,” what you have in mind is something like a map of the world. |
That’s a tough one. | The first thing that I want you to understand here is the fact that anger is a form of communication, and that communication is nevertheless possible without using anger. We can convey our thoughts and intentions and be accepted without any need for anger. If you learn to understand this experientially, the anger emoti... |
Wait, that’s an argument that can only lead to affirming infidelity. Because if one’s partner were happily having an affair, you’re saying that one should celebrate even that. | No, I am not affirming someone having an affair. Think about it this way: The kind of relationship that feels somehow oppressive and strained when the two people are together cannot be called love, even if there is passion. When one can think, Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really fee... |
Well, it’s one thing if you’re just talking about a child’s studies. But when someone’s suffering right there in front of you, you can’t just leave him or her be, can you? Would you still say that lending a helping hand is intervention, and then do nothing? | One must not let it go unnoticed. It is necessary to offer assistance that does not turn into intervention. |
Well, what is your image of life? | Do not treat it as a line. Think of life as a series of dots. If you look through a magnifying glass at a solid line drawn with chalk, you will discover that what you thought was a line is actually a series of small dots. Seemingly linear existence is actually a series of dots; in other words, life is a series of momen... |
What’s the point of that? | For example, do you remember the story about the female student who came to me for counseling on account of her fear of blushing? Why did she develop that fear of blushing? In Adlerian psychology, physical symptoms are not regarded separately from the mind (psyche). The mind and body are viewed as one, as a whole that ... |
Yes, I guess that’s right! Let’s face it: I hate myself! I, the one who’s doing this playing around with old-fashioned philosophical discourse, and who just can’t help doing this sort of thing—yes, I really hate myself. | That’s all right. If you were to ask around for people who say they like themselves, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’d puff up his or her chest with pride and say, “Yes, I like myself.” |
Well, what should I do then? | Let’s start with self-acceptance. On our first night, I brought up that statement of Adler’s: “The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.” Do you remember this? |
Okay then! | As I have been saying all along, Adlerian psychology has the view that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Interpersonal relations are the source of unhappiness. And the opposite can be said, too—interpersonal relations are the source of happiness. |
What does this have to do with me? | How do you justify this? Why did you choose to be unhappy? I have no way of knowing the specific answer or details. Perhaps it will become clearer as we debate this. |
Right. | But those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people’s value systems—they are living other people’s lives. This is a point that must be emphasized. |
Well, then what is this “other philosophy”? | It is a completely new school of psychology that was established by the Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler at the beginning of the twentieth century. It is generally referred to as Adlerian psychology. |
Well, my brother is my brother, and I guess other people are another story. | No, they should become more positive comrades. |
The voice of the larger community? | Not at all. Though this might be termed a “you and I” relationship, if it is one that can break down just because you raise an objection, then it is not the sort of relationship you need to get into in the first place. It is fine to just let go of it. Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way... |
A “somewhere” that no one else knows! | That is the nature of energeial life. If I look back on my own life up to now, no matter how I try, I will never arrive at a satisfactory explanation as to why I am here and now. Though, at one time, the study of Greek philosophy was my focus, before long I took up the study of Adlerian psychology in tandem with it, an... |
Ha-ha. Well, that’s perplexing, isn’t it? How about the other way around, then? Do you really comprehend and accept this community feeling, or whatever it is, that includes the entire universe? | I try to. Because I feel that one cannot truly comprehend Adlerian psychology without comprehending this point. |
That you choose for yourself? | Yes, exactly. You choose your lifestyle. |
So you are saying that one should always take the “people can change” premise? | Of course. And please understand, it is Freudian etiology that denies our free will and treats humans like machines. The young man paused and glanced around the philosopher’s study. Floor- to-ceiling bookshelves filled the walls, and on a small wooden desk lay a fountain pen and what appeared to be a partially written ... |
Well, of course, I would try everything I could think of to get him to apply himself. I’d hire tutors and make him go to a study center, even if I had to pull him by the ear to get him there. I’d say that’s a parent’s duty. And that’s actually how I was raised myself. I wasn’t allowed to eat dinner until the day’s home... | Then let me ask another question. Did you learn to enjoy studying as a result of being made to do it in such a heavy-handed manner? |
By making an active commitment? What does one do, exactly? | One faces one’s life tasks. In other words, one takes steps forward on one’s own, without avoiding the tasks of the interpersonal relations of work, friendship, and love. If you are “the center of the world,” you will have no thoughts whatsoever regarding commitment to the community; because everyone else is “someone w... |
Are these tasks the obligations one has as a member of society? In other words, things like labor and payment of taxes? | No, please think of this solely in terms of interpersonal relationships. That is, the distance and depth in one’s interpersonal relationships. Adler sometimes used the expression “three social ties” to emphasize the point. |
All right. Let me tell you about another friend of mine, a man named Y. He’s the kind of person who has always had a bright personality and talks easily to anyone. He’s like a sunflower—everyone loves him, and people smile whenever he’s around. In contrast, I am someone who has never had an easy time socially and who’s... | Yes. You and I and everyone can change. |
Horizontal relationship? | Let’s start with an easily understood example, that of the parent-child relationship. Whether the circumstances are, for example, those of child-rearing, or of training junior staff in the workplace, generally speaking there are two approaches that are considered: one is the method of raising by rebuke, and the other i... |
Well, how about this one? It’s my own story about something I experienced yesterday. | Oh? I’m all ears. People Fabricate Anger |
I am not someone who can mouth off to my seniors, and I would never think of trying. My social common sense would be called into question if I did. | What is “senior”? What is this “mouthing off”? If one is gauging the atmosphere of a situation and being dependent on vertical relationships, one is engaging in irresponsible acts—one is trying to avoid one’s responsibilities. |
Because I have heard all about your reputation. The word is that there is an eccentric philosopher living here whose teachings and arguments are hard to ignore, namely, that people can change, that the world is simple and that everyone can be happy. That is the sort of thing I have heard, but I find that view totally u... | I see. That is an interesting view. |
That is exactly what I wanted to ask about! Even if the cause and effect were reversed, that is to say, in your case, you were able to analyze yourself and say, “It isn’t because he hit me that I have a bad relationship with my father, but that I brought out the memory of being hit because I don’t want my relationship ... | One can think from the viewpoint that it is an interpersonal relationship card. As long as I use etiology to think, It is because he hit me that I have a bad relationship with my father, it would be a matter that was impossible for me to do anything about. But if I can think, I brought out the memory of being hit becau... |
Well, sure, there are parts of the mind and body that are connected. | The same holds true for reason and emotion, and the conscious mind and the unconscious mind as well. A normally coolheaded person doesn’t expect to have a fit of violent emotion and start shouting at someone. We are not struck by emotions that somehow exist independently from us. Each of us is a unified whole. |
But . . . | When one adopts the point of view of Freudian etiology, one sees life as a kind of great big story based on cause and effect. So then it’s all about where and when I was born, what my childhood was like, the school I attended and the company where I got a job. And that decides who I am now and who I will become. To be ... |
Yesterday afternoon, I was reading a book in a coffee shop when a waiter passed by and spilled coffee on my jacket. I’d just bought it and it’s my nicest piece of clothing. I couldn’t help it, I just blew my top. I yelled at him at the top of my lungs. I’m not normally the type of person who speaks loudly in public pla... | So you were stimulated by the emotion of anger and ended up shouting. Though you are normally mild-mannered, you couldn’t resist being angry. It was an unavoidable occurrence, and you couldn’t do anything about it. Is that what you are saying? |
The courage to be happy, huh? | Do you need further explanation? |
That sounds exactly like my boss. | But is being acknowledged by your boss “work” that you should think of as top priority? It isn’t your job to be liked by people at the place you work. Your boss doesn’t like you. And his reasons for not liking you are clearly unreasonable. But in that case, there’s no need for you to get cozy with him. |
All right. I’d like to hear all about it. | Community feeling is also referred to as “social interest,” that is to say, “interest in society.” So now I have a question for you: Do you know what society’s smallest unit is, from the point of view of sociology? |
Yes, please. The discussion of community feeling had become more confusing than ever. One must not praise. And one must not rebuke, either. All words that are used to judge other people are words that come out of vertical relationships, and we need to build horizontal relationships. And it is only when one is able to f... | Well, have you worked things out? |
One wants to change, but changing is scary? | When we try to change our lifestyles, we put our great courage to the test. There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing. I am sure you have selected the latter. |
What do you mean? | You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and neither am I. It is not necessary to satisfy other people’s expectations. |
I will. In any case, it was quite a blow to be told that I never really look at others, and I only have concern for myself. You’re really a dreadful fellow! | Ha-ha. You say it in such a happy way. |
That’s a lie! It’s nothing more than academic sophistry. | Of course, we cannot do without interpersonal relationships. A human being’s existence, in its very essence, assumes the existence of other human beings. Living completely separate from others is, in principle, impossible. As you are indicating, the premise “If one could live all alone in the universe” is unsound. |
What are life tasks? | Let’s think of the word “life” as tracing back to childhood. During childhood, we are protected by our parents and can live without needing to work. But eventually, the time comes when one has to be self-reliant. One cannot be dependent on one’s parents forever, and one has to be self-reliant mentally, of course, and s... |
That’s not true! No way! That’s too depressing! | No. This is the difference between etiology (the study of causation) and teleology (the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause). Everything you have been telling me is based in etiology. As long as we stay in etiology, we will not take a single step forward. Trauma Does Not Exist |
I am? | None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to. The world you see is different from the one I see, and it’s impossible to share your world with anyone else. |
The feeling of inferiority is a kind of launch pad? | That’s right. One tries to get rid of one’s feeling of inferiority and keep moving forward. One’s never satisfied with one’s present situation—even if it’s just a single step, one wants to make progress. One wants to be happier. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the state of this kind of feeling of inferiority. Th... |
How can that be? You and I are living in the same country, in the same time, and we are seeing the same things—aren’t we? | You look rather young to me, but have you ever drunk well water that has just been drawn? |
No, don’t you see that’s completely illogical? I do want to change; that is my sincere wish. So how could I be making the decision not to? | Although there are some small inconveniences and limitations, you probably think that the lifestyle you have now is the most practical one, and that it’s easier to leave things as they are. If you stay just like this, experience enables you to respond properly to events as they occur, while guessing the results of one’... |
It doesn’t matter if the contribution is not a visible one? | You are not the one who decides if your contributions are of use. That is the task of other people, and is not an issue in which you can intervene. In principle, there is not even any way you can know whether you have really made a contribution. That is to say, when we are engaging in this contribution to others, the c... |
It certainly is a fascinating argument. But focusing on people who suffer from stammering seems like a rather special example. Could you give me any others? | Well, another would be the workaholic. This, too, is an example of a person who is clearly lacking in harmony of life. |
What way is that? | It’s to act as if one is indeed superior and to indulge in a fabricated feeling of superiority. |
I don’t get what you’re saying. How on earth could I have chosen it? | That is not true. If your lifestyle is not something that you were naturally born with, but something you chose yourself, then it must be possible to choose it over again. |
There’s no shortage of people who desire evil, is there? Of course, there are plenty of thieves and murderers, and don’t forget all the politicians and officials with their shady deals. It’s probably harder to find a truly good, upright person who does not desire evil. | Without question, there is no shortage of behavior that is evil. But no one, not even the most hardened criminal, becomes involved in crime purely out of a desire to engage in evil acts. Every criminal has an internal justification for getting involved in crime. A dispute over money leads someone to engage in murder, f... |
And what do you do with that as the starting point? | You make the switch from attachment to self (self-interest) to concern for others (social interest). |
Okay . . . | For the sake of convenience, up to this point I have discussed self- acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others, in that order. However, these three are linked as an indispensable whole, in a sort of circular structure. It is because one accepts oneself just as one is—one self-accepts—that one can hav... |
Funny, you caught on right away. That’s right, I still have some issues with it. I’ll say it straight out—I have no idea what you are going on about with your references to the universe and all that, and it ends up reeking of religion from beginning to end. There’s this kind of cultish quality to it all that I just can... | When Adler first proposed the concept of community feeling, there was a great deal of opposition in a similar vein. People said that psychology is supposed to be a science, and here was Adler discussing the issue of worth. That sort of thing isn’t science, they said. |
What do you mean, exactly? | People are constantly selecting their lifestyles. Right now, while we are having this tête-à-tête, we are selecting ours. You describe yourself as an unhappy person. You say that you want to change right this minute. You even claim that you want to be reborn as a different person. After all that, then why are you still... |
My enemy? | You start to think that people are always looking down on you and treating you with scorn, that they’re all enemies who must never be underestimated, who lie in wait for any opening and attack at the drop of a hat. In short, that the world is a terrifying place. |
But . . . | This is something I spoke of last time. The fact that there are people who do not think well of you is proof that you are living in freedom. You might have a sense of something about this that seems self-centered. But I think you have understood this from today’s discussion: A way of living in which one is constantly t... |
It seems to me that until I started university, I was never able to ignore my parents’ intentions. I was anxious, which was unpleasant, but the fact of the matter is that my wishes always seemed to end up overlapping with my parents’. My place of work I chose myself, however. | Now that you mention it, I haven’t heard about that yet. What kind of work do you do? |
An antonym of confidence? Uh . . . | It is doubt. Suppose you have placed “doubt” at the foundation of your interpersonal relations. That you live your life doubting other people— doubting your friends and even your family and those you love. What sort of relationship could possibly arise from that? The other person will detect the doubt in your eyes in a... |
So when you’re hung up on winning and losing, you lose the ability to make the right choices? | Yes. It clouds your judgment, and all you can see is imminent victory or defeat. Then you turn down the wrong path. It’s only when we take away the lenses of competition and winning and losing that we can begin to correct and change ourselves. Overcoming the Tasks That Face You in Life |
Effective communication tools other than anger . . . | We have language. We can communicate through language. Believe in the power of language and the language of logic. |
It’s perfectly fine to have winners and losers! | Give some thought to it, then, if it were you, specifically, who had a consciousness of being in competition with the people around you. In your relations with them, you would have no choice but to be conscious of victory or defeat. Mr. A got into this famous university, Mr. B found work at that big company, and Mr. C ... |
So you’re saying that one praises in order to manipulate? | That’s right. Whether we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is one of the carrot or the stick, and the background goal is manipulation. The reason Adlerian psychology is highly critical of reward-and-punishment education is that its intention is to manipulate children. |
A series of moments? | Yes. It is a series of moments called “now.” We can live only in the here and now. Our lives exist only in moments. Adults who do not know this attempt to impose “linear” lives onto young people. Their thinking is that staying on the conventional tracks—good university, big company, stable household—is a happy life. Bu... |
Bragging about one’s own misfortune? | The person who assumes a boasting manner when talking about his upbringing and the like, the various misfortunes that have rained down upon him. If someone should try to comfort this person, or suggest some change be made, he’ll refuse the helping hand by saying, “You don’t understand how I feel.” |
Pushing oneself up from below? | A stone is powerless. Once it has begun to roll downhill, it will continue to roll until released from the natural laws of gravity and inertia. But we are not stones. We are beings who are capable of resisting inclination. We can stop our tumbling selves and climb uphill. The desire for recognition is probably a natura... |
An excuse not to change? | Yes. I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist, but he never seems to be able to complete his work. According to him, his job keeps him too busy, and he can never find enough time to write novels, and that’s why he can’t complete work and enter it for writing awards. But is that the real reason? No! It’s ... |
That’s true. | Adler is saying that the pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way, the feeling of inferiority, too, can promote striving and growth. |
. . . | Am I wrong? |
I just cannot agree with that. | When receiving praise becomes one’s goal, one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another person’s system of values. Looking at your life until now, aren’t you tired of trying to live up to your parents’ expectations? |
Indeed. | Then, when those expectations are not satisfied, they become deeply disillusioned and feel as if they have been horribly insulted. And they become resentful, and think, That person didn’t do anything for me. That person let me down. That person isn’t my comrade anymore. He’s my enemy. People who hold the belief that th... |
Ah. That is a hotly debated issue. | Why? |
I hope you will not mind if, at some point, I visit you here again. Yes, as an irreplaceable friend. And I won’t be saying anything more about taking apart your arguments. | Ha-ha! At last, you have shown me a young person’s smile. Well, it’s quite late already. Let’s pass our own nights, and greet the new morning. The young man slowly tied his shoelaces and left the philosopher’s house. On opening the door, he found a snowy scene spread out before him. The full moon, its floating form obs... |
Are you free, now? | Yes. I am free. |
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