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A 90 year old Nazi soldier told me this joke Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??" | 2,305 |
"Allah will reward you with women!" said the Sheikh as they placed an explosive vest on me "What about my wife?" I asked them
"Your wife is now a wife of a Jihadi! She will be taken care of really well" declared the Sheikh.
I was told to ride the truck with the sheikh until the countdown timer of the belt is close to 0. He will have at that time finished prayer and left the truck.
The sheikh continued to pray, preaching "you will live amongst the greenest of forests! you will have 72 virgins!"
There's 30 seconds on the clock, so curiosity takes over me, "why haven't you became a Jihadi and reap these amazing rewards?"
He opened the door and said, "because I have to take care of your wife" | 2,306 |
A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet... The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!" | 2,307 |
What is a pronoun? It's a noun that lost its amateur status | 2,308 |
I got to see a Washington today! I just love that it can wash 2000 pounds of laundry | 2,309 |
As a doctor, these new Covid-19 tests seem great but their really testing my patients at the moment | 2,310 |
You know, I was born on a highway Oh wait, that was my brother. I was born in a hospital. | 2,311 |
With tick season coming up, stay safe You might end up with Corona and Lime! | 2,312 |
What chord must you play to get R. Kelly's attention? B-minor.
I will see myself out. | 2,313 |
Why was the Ebola virus joke not as good as the Corona Virus Joke? Because less people got it. | 2,314 |
Smart pills Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa
There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.
The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"
Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"
Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already." | 2,315 |
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex" She replied "At least we know it'll be quick" | 2,316 |
Why aren't progressives worried about things getting worse? Because they are getting progressively worse. | 2,317 |
My favorite Chinese food place is closed for COVID19. The sign said they would wok from home. | 2,318 |
Sometimes scratching your balls... ...Is like trying to find a needle in a haysack. | 2,319 |
I don't have imaginary friends I have pal-lucinations. | 2,320 |
Two deer walked out of a gay bar, one said to the other..... I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there | 2,321 |
I hear there might be a boom in babies 9 months from now in 2034 will we call these kids Quaran-Teens? | 2,322 |
What's another name for half a second? A first. | 2,323 |
What did Einstein discover staring at his cousin's cleavage? The 'Theory of Relative- Titty.' | 2,324 |
Billy’s tractor One day, farmer Joe goes over to his friend’s house looking for him. He knocked on the door but Billy doesn’t answer. He starts to hear some music playing from Billy’s barn, so he goes to check it out. He opens the door to the barn to see Billy, butt naked, dancing around his John Deere tractor.
Joe: “Billy? What in the heck are you doin’?”
Billy: “It’s a long story Joe, I’m doing this for my wife.”
Joe: “Why does she want you to do this?”
Billy: “Well, she didn’t ask me to. We’ve been havin’ some issues so we went to that couples therapy thing.”
Joe: “What does this have to do with couples therapy?”
Billy: “Well see, the therapist told me I needed to do something to spark things up. He suggested I do something sexy to attract her.” | 2,325 |
Giving Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was only receiving $15 for her blood.
"Can I ask why that man was paid $85 more than me?" Jane asked the attendant. "Well...." replied the attendant "we are not just a blood bank but also a sperm bank and one of the most highly regarded in the city. if the sperm is from the right type of donor, for example dark hair, over 6 foot tall and has a college degree then we will actually pay $100."
"That's so interesting... I never even new that was a thing" thanked Jane as she was leaving.
Later that afternoon Jane came back into the centre and made her way to the front desk, the attendant was still working and recognised her from their earlier chat. "Hey, back again so soon?" he asked. "Mmm hmmm" nodded Jane. | 2,326 |
If you’re dating a guy and you see the banner of the Soviet Union hanging on his wall, leave him! That’s a big red flag! | 2,327 |
I started writing a book about punctuation, but what's the point? | 2,328 |
Paranoia has reached absurd stages... I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own
Edit: stay safe all | 2,329 |
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them." | 2,330 |
Little Johnny pokes Jenny A teacher asks the students the following questions
"Who created the universe?"
Johnny, who's sitting behind Jenny, pokes her with a pencil.
Jenny exclaims "Oh, God!!"
Teacher says "Excellent, Jenny".
The teacher then asks again, "Who was the son of God?"
Johnny pokes Jenny again and she shrieks "Oh, Jesus"
Teacher, happy with Jenny asks her another question, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 17th child?"
Johnny pokes Jenny again, but this time Jenny outrageously shouts "If you put that thing inside me again, I'll break it in two and put it in your nose". | 2,331 |
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing. | 2,332 |
Blind pilots A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!" | 2,333 |
A boy complaining to his father... You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front. | 2,334 |
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? No one will pay to have a lentil on their face. | 2,335 |
Alice was getting on in years and her family placed her in a nursing home. One morning Alice put on a nightgown and went through the nursing home raising her gown and shouting, "super sex." She did this in a number of rooms with no response.
She came upon an old man in a wheelchair and went through her routine. Raised her gown and shouted, "super sex."
The old man stared at her for a minute, gave it some thought, and replied, "I'll have the soup." | 2,336 |
They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... *coughs* | 2,337 |
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you." | 2,338 |
Pennywise must have been an ass man He was always surrounded by that Derry air | 2,339 |
A married couple was in a terrible accident... A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." | 2,340 |
What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use? OLAY | 2,341 |
My wife is socially distancing me... Just to be safe, she started it in 2008. | 2,342 |
Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives. So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. | 2,343 |
What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaaah" Sheep with no lips | 2,344 |
You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it | 2,345 |
Knock knock. Who’s there? OK Google. Play music from the.
Play music from the who?
OUT HERE IN THE FIELDS! I FOUGHT FOR MY MEALS!!!!! | 2,346 |
Returning my Fleshlight The lady puts on latex gloves, opens the box...
-it's empty
-well the lady who sold it to me said that I just have to bring back the box. Why would I bring you back a used Fleshlight, that's disgusting! I was wondering why you put the gloves on...
-sorry for the misunderstanding but I have to see it to confirm that it's broken
-course it's broken, there's a hole in it
True story | 2,347 |
Here I sit broken hearted... ...Tried to shit but only farted,
Then one day I took a chance,
Tried to fart but shit my pants | 2,348 |
Knock knock. Who’s there? It’s the police ma’am. Your son was on a cruise. He tested positive for coronavirus. | 2,349 |
Places where the Queen overrules the king's are 1. Chessboard
2. Home | 2,350 |
Plumber There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming.
The plumber still plumbing said IT'S ME! | 2,351 |
Why I fired my secretary Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect. | 2,352 |
What do 9 out of 10 men enjoy? A gangbang | 2,353 |
A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:
Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other”.
Kiwi – “about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other”
Texan – “If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it’ll take me a day”
Kiwi, after some pause for thought – “Yeah Bro, I used to have a car like that.” | 2,354 |
It’s the end of the world as we know it Because “I feel fine.” | 2,355 |
I would make a Coronavirus joke But I don’t want you guys to get it | 2,356 |
I have the funniest joke for you guys.
American 'healthcare' system. | 2,357 |
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it. | 2,358 |
What do you call a pastry made from forbidden fruit? a SIN-pie! | 2,359 |
So we, humans, have eyes on the front of our heads... ... meaning we’re predators. We also have the desire for sexual contact. Meaning we’re all technically sexual predators.
Now I’m just registered... | 2,360 |
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it | 2,361 |
Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think.. ...You shellfish bastard. | 2,362 |
Pandas and americans are the same Fat and dumb | 2,363 |
If a group of dolphins is called a pod And a group of crows is called a murder
What’s a group of kids called
A shooting range | 2,364 |
A hunter goes in the wild to hunt for a bear. He´s slowly walking through the wood when he spots one. He aims at the bear and shoots, but he misses. The bear notices him, quicly runs to him and says "you son of a bitch" before fucking him in the ass.
The hunter spends a week in the hospital and decides to go back and finish the job, only this time, he takes a machine gun with him to do it. He finds the bear again, he aims at him.....but the machinegun jams. The bear notices him, quickly runs to him and rapes him again.
Now he has to spend a month in the hospital. He decides to go back and finally do this thing. He buys a rocket launcher, climbs up a hunting tower in the woods and just patiently waits for the bear. Finally he sees him. He takes the rocket launcher, aims at the bear and shoots....the bear sees the rocket coming, he just moves his head a little, dodging the rocket which explodes behind him. He climbs up the hunting tower, his dick hard again he takes a good look at the hunter and says
"hey....you don´t come here to actually hunt, do you?" | 2,365 |
If coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I? Cause you are to die for. | 2,366 |
What's the difference between a cow and a moose? One moos, the other moose. | 2,367 |
If you once had wings, a cockpit and passengers, can you now hold a passport? No. There is no ex plane nation. | 2,368 |
Four former U.S. presidents... Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.
Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.
“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”
”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”
”Done,” says the Wizard.
“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”
Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”
”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”
There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”
”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?” | 2,369 |
What did the YouTuber who wanted to collaborate on a documentary about Corona Virus say to the other YouTuber? Want to make a Co vid? | 2,370 |
A *cheesy* Joke. -What do you call a french drugdealer?
-Crack Monsieur. | 2,371 |
Finally Prince Charles has been coronated by a virus | 2,372 |
Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting. Seems nice. He's a web designer | 2,373 |
Marriage is like a deck of cards.. ...You start with two hearts and a diamond, but later in the hand you'll be wishing for a club and a spade. | 2,374 |
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke. Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??" | 2,375 |
What do you call someone old gives you a call? Boomerang! | 2,376 |
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time." | 2,377 |
Covid 19 is like Jeffery Epstein. It doesn't kill itself. Wash your damn hands | 2,378 |
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists. | 2,379 |
The best birth control method these days COVID-19 | 2,380 |
Was hoping my workplace would shutdown with all this coronavirus stuff going on... Unfortunately it's not, my job is right by the docks and I'm considered a quay worker | 2,381 |
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park | 2,382 |
Knock knock Who’s there?
**Doug**
Doug who?
**Doug a hole, someone fell in, please help.** | 2,383 |
My friend made the most comfortable bed. However,his invention is largely slept upon. | 2,384 |
Marie-Antoinette was sitting in her balcony... Her bottom was placed on the softest cushion and her feet raised and placed on a stack of Cottonelle.
Her maid came up to her, greeted her and placed a plate of brioches in front of her.
Stuffing her face with brioche she noticed some commonfolk running in panic.
She asked the maid what the matter was. The maid replied that there was a lockdown and these are people who don't have food and essentials.
Marie, nearly choking on her brioche, said, "why are they coming out now?
They should just order online!" | 2,386 |
Why did Hitler commit suicide? .
.
.
Because he saw his gas bill | 2,387 |
I Am a joke | 2,388 |
I saw two kids fighting over the last roll of toilet paper and being the only adult around, I had to step in... Little bastards didn’t stand a chance… | 2,389 |
A cylinder was filling itself with air It was aupneumatic. | 2,390 |
What did the Birch tree say to the other Birch tree? I find you appealing! | 2,391 |
If I had a nickel for every repost/recycled joke I saw on this sub... Women would find me attractive. | 2,392 |
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store
He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After a while the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.” | 2,393 |
What do south East Asians eat in Germany? Nazi lemak | 2,394 |
For all those who say that 5G is at fault for the epidemic Please, next time don't smoke more than 1G. | 2,395 |
How do you go from 3D to 4D? Just give it time. | 2,396 |
I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19 Looks like he got coronated at last! | 2,397 |
Going To The Movies I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.
She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"
I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*. | 2,398 |
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.” | 2,399 |
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.” | 2,400 |
How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb? Infinity. bc their vote socialism took their equal away 😂😂😂 L😎L | 2,401 |
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch. | 2,402 |
What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file! | 2,403 |
When somebody says Stop... ...I don't know if it's in the name of love, or to collaborate and listen, or if it's hammertime | 2,404 |
20 years ago on this day, I married my best friend. My wife still gives me shit for it. | 2,405 |
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