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So two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses The other guy calls 911 immediately and says
“Help! I think my friend is dead!”
The operator says “okay first let’s make sure he’s actually dead”
The phone goes silent for a second before a gunshot is heard
The hunter says “okay what now?” | 2,406 |
Self isolation experiments Do you know if you rest a testicles on top a beer bottle and put a naked flame under the bottle eventually it’ll pop in? If you did know that and know how to get it back out message me.... urgently. | 2,407 |
You know I miss my ex But my aim is getting better | 2,408 |
My girlfriend is like √-100 A perfect 10, but also imaginary. | 2,409 |
A man is waiting to buy a sack of rice in China, and he's in a long line. The man says, "I hate Xi Jinping, he's a bloody idiot! I'm going to kill him!" and storms off, out of the line, cussing about his actions that lead to long waiting times. The line moves forward.
Less than five minutes later, the man comes back. Another man in line notices this, and asks,
"So, did you kill the leader?"
The man replies:
"No. That line was longer." | 2,410 |
Day 8 of quarantine Talked to a spider living under my bed today. Seems like a cool guy. Told me he wants to be a web designer. | 2,411 |
What did the baseball player say to their partner when they started foreplay? Ready! Set! Play ball! | 2,412 |
Before the Advent of the dick pic a young man named Richard Pickard would mail poloroids of his penis to every young woman he knew He would lament, "There's gotta be a better sex than mail" until one day a woman he knew sent him a letter of herself in her underwear. Titillated, Richard read the attached paragraph. It was asking for $25 for a full nude picture of the woman. Richard smacked himself on the head and said "oh now there's fee mail sex." | 2,413 |
Every Medical Expert : Gloves and masks would be enough to go anywhere such as Supermarket. Liars!! Everyone else had their clothes on! | 2,414 |
I must have posted two dozen jokes about COVID-19 by now but none of them have gone viral :( | 2,415 |
How do you tell the difference between 'but' and 'butt'? Butt's got tooties.
- by my 8 year old daughter | 2,416 |
My Wife is Weird My wife is weird.
I went out with my buddies for a beer, came home at two a.m. and found her staying up. She saw me home and asked me in an icy tone: What time is it?
I was confused. We had the clock right on the wall and she stayed up just to ask me time?
Weird.
​
​
for you who are confused:
1. the tag is an r feature, i didn't consciously put it there
2. in China if a wife is angry at her husband, she beats about bushes first before dropping hell | 2,417 |
what makes an owl and a proboscis monkey special? who knows | 2,418 |
A homosexual, a professor, and a wizard walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Ah, Dumbledore! The usual?" | 2,419 |
What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one? Where they tie the rope. | 2,420 |
My wife is bisexual She says bye when I ask her to have sex with me | 2,421 |
What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks? Your mom can’t take a joke. | 2,422 |
As per government instruction, to minimise the spread, I'll be auctioning off bags of water for the next 14 days. Not sure why I've been forced to sell ice so late. | 2,423 |
what does a dyslexic, agonistic, insomniac do? stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog | 2,424 |
7 8 9. 7: <is about to eat 9>
7: Play some intense music to go with my food.
9: <plays The Final Countdown>
9 8 7. | 2,425 |
A slice of pie in Jamaica is 2.50 and 3.00 in the Bahamas These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I'll leave now | 2,426 |
This little fella at work is so bad, his work all over the place, and he’s always concerned with “digging it!” It’s because he’s “A biz mole” | 2,427 |
How many dead bodies does it take to fix a light? Must be more than 14, because my basement is still dark. | 2,428 |
My friend who’s a werewolf brought his kids over to my BBQ. They tore my new couch into shreds No wonder it’s called a litter | 2,429 |
Women must be intimidated by my ridiculously good looks..... They all try to avoid me nowadays | 2,430 |
people are like magnets everyone i know must have had something in common with me | 2,431 |
What is a surname? A name that sirs call you | 2,432 |
What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? So YOU'RE the one!!!!
&#x200B;
I heard this on an Alf special 20 years ago. It kinda requires you tell to someone in person and they ask "what?" first. | 2,433 |
Once upon a time three guys went hiking By nightfall they ran out of food they all notice that there's one slice of bologna left, so they all decided go to sleep for the night and whoever wakes up the next morning with the best dream will get the last slice of bologna.
The next morning came and all the guys woke up, so the first guy was like "Yo I had a crazy dream, I dreamed that I was an astronaut and i was walking on the moon".
The second guy was like "No my dream is even crazier, I dreamed that I was a sheriff and I had a shootout with some Outlaws.
The third guy he said "Well I didn't go to sleep instead I made y'all a song, Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, while y'all fools went to sleep I ate the damn bologna". | 2,434 |
What’s a southerner’s favorite kind of bread? Inbred! | 2,435 |
Mac Gregory My father was a great man. He did many amazing things.
Come over here, do you see this barn? He cut the planks with his own two hands. Is his name Mac Gregory the carpenter? No.
Come over here, do you see this stone wall? He laid the stone and mixed the mortar himself. Is his name Mac Gregory the mason? No.
Come over here, do you see this dock? He drove the posts on his own time. Is his name Mac Gregory the pier builder? No!
You fuck one goat. | 2,436 |
A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.
The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!" | 2,437 |
I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink anymore during quarantine. I won’t drink any less either! | 2,438 |
What do you call Bruce Lee by himself in quarantine? Lone Lee | 2,439 |
A gang leader is teaching his fellow gang members how to rob... ..."the best way to get your victims to quickly hand over their valuables even if you have no weapon is with the old saying "y'money or y'life!" Works everytime! And even if it doesn't let 'em have it!" he cackles, pulling the trigger on his unloaded gun.
Later, the gang members return after a week of robbing.
"It didn't work at all!" they all said.
"What? Why?!" exclaims the leader.
One member says: "We dunno! Our robberies did the complete opposite! Those we robbed ended up with far more money than before and seemed happier than imaginable, not traumatized!"
"What precisely did you do?" asks the leader.
"We went by the exact rule you said," answered the gang. "Told them: "y'money or y'wife!" | 2,440 |
Why don’t Arabs like to play chess? Because the queen can move freely. | 2,441 |
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor... ...and says, “I want one with everything!” | 2,442 |
My gf left me for a Scottish guy I hope the Scottish guy didn't lure her for the wool. | 2,443 |
Capitalism has man exploiting man With communism, it's the other way around | 2,444 |
A man takes his sweet time at a urinal. Once the man has finished, he forgets to zip up his fly, so he washes his hands and leaves the bathroom.
A woman saw him walking around with his fly open and says, “Sir, your garage door is open!”
The man looks down and chuckles as he zips it up. “Did you, by any chance, see a Range Rover in there?”
”No, just a Toyota with two flat tires.”
(I told the people of Cringetopia that I would reword a post here. Let’s see how bad this does.) | 2,445 |
Two bananas are digging a hole The one banana to the other one: "i'm going to stop i'm getting a curved back" | 2,446 |
John Oliver talking about what rhymes with Monica Lewinsky* John-“...you want to know what rhymes with Lewinsky? Almost nothing!”
Me-“Wrong John. Getting hit between the Shinsky‘s rhymes with Lewinsky.” | 2,447 |
A man goes to his doctor A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.”
The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points.
"I see the Sun," answer the man.
The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!” | 2,448 |
How can you tell if a mechanic has had sex? How can you tell if a mechanic has had sex?
His middle fingernail is clean | 2,449 |
A man is at the bar drinking. He's had a few to many and pukes on himself,he turns to his friend and says,
"my wife is going to kill me, she bought this shirt for me"
His friend says, "don't worry just put 10 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell her some drunk guy puked on you and he gave you 10 bucks because he felt bad about it."
So the man stumbles home and his wife is waiting up and says, "really?!, you are so drunk you puked on the shirt I bought for you!"
Man: "no no, I barely drank anything, a drunk guy puked on me and gave me this $10 to make up for it!"
Wife: "this is $20?"
Man: "yeah he shit my pants too". | 2,450 |
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. | 2,451 |
I have dailysex Dyslexia* | 2,452 |
being fat in office is hard but standing up for yourself is harder | 2,453 |
A man gets drunk and sleeps naked in the forest A little girl was picking mushrooms in the same forest. She counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five...
The next day the man wakes up and thought to himself: damn, that felt good, i should get drunk and fall asleep naked in the forest again. And so he did.
A bear was picking mushrooms in the same forest. It counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five, six. | 2,454 |
People are dressing as different people to get more free face masks Bunch of masqueraders | 2,455 |
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt" | 2,456 |
What's the difference between Jimi Hendrix and his statue? None. Both of them can't sing anymore. | 2,457 |
Did you know Osama Bin Ladin was 6’5? Guess he was playing with the wrong Rockets. | 2,458 |
How does Moses make his coffee? HeBrews it! | 2,459 |
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel (NSFW) On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything, Father.”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Yes, Sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh Father, may I touch it?”
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true Father?”
"Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!” | 2,460 |
Snake bite So Boudreaux & Thibodeaux was out huntin' in dem woods. Thibodeaux says to Boudreaux, "hang on a little minute, I've gotta go piss, me." Thibodeaux is taking a piss and starts screaming. "What done happened dere?" says Boudreaux.
Thibodeaux says, "Oh no Boudreaux, a snake done just bit me on my dick!"
"Ma cher, don't you worry, I gotta first aid book wit me. Lemme see what it does say.", Boudreaux exclaims. Boudreaux furiously flips though the book and finds the section on snake bites. The book tells him that he will need to suck the poison out of the bite marks on Thibodeaux's dick.
"Oh lawd Boudreaux, what does dat book tell you?" shouts Thibodeaux.
Boudreaux looks at his friend for a moment and tells him, "It says in this here book - you gonna die Thibodeaux...." | 2,461 |
Those idiots avoiding social distancing What are they china do? | 2,462 |
What is a police officer's favourite colour? Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again). | 2,463 |
I was shocked when the psychic told me that my father would pass away the very next day. I was equally shocked the next day when the milkman had a heart attack at our door and died. | 2,464 |
The seven dwarfs were all in the bath feeling happy. Happy never told anyone. | 2,465 |
Blind partners are the most faithful They never see anyone else! | 2,466 |
Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph? Because at 69 they blow a rod. | 2,467 |
I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees. When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee". | 2,468 |
Quick get in the house and undress. Used to mean something else before the virus. | 2,469 |
An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years ~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage?
-It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color.
After walking for a while, the horse trips and my husband screams:
¡ONE!
I look at him in a weird manner but then I do not take much importance
We keep walking for another 10 minutes and the horse stumbles again and my husband screams:
¡TWO!
I look at him worried but I still enjoy the trip. after almost a mile the horse stumbles again and my husband yells
¡THREE!
And he takes out a baseball bat from the back and hits the horse on the head 3 times, to which I react in a horrible way, and I say:
- How can you think of doing that, you are a bastard!
And I hear him scream:
¡ONE! | 2,470 |
What do calculators and country music have in common? Both are produced by Texas instruments. | 2,471 |
Did you hear about the new hairdo trend of 2020? It's the buzz cut, everyone is doing it. | 2,472 |
I hate baby’s with old adult names. “No I don’t want to hold Walter.” | 2,473 |
What did Cola say to his buddy Mentos? "You're overreacting." | 2,474 |
What do you call 2+ police officers having sex? Copulation. | 2,475 |
My friend was sad that his illness relapsed again, so I brought him a pizza I’m wondering now if the uncured pepperoni was insensitive | 2,476 |
A few friends are about to get to Louisville and they start arguing over how it's pronounced. One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They can't wait to ask one of the employees how they say it to prove who's right. They all go up to the counter and one says, "could you tell me where we are and please say it slowly? BURR-GURR-KIIING!!! | 2,477 |
This quarantine is a lot like the time between Christmas and New Years. I got new underwear, alcohol all over my hands, and my dad still hasn’t come back. | 2,478 |
There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses. One has a wife and farms honeydew.
The second has a husband and sells watermelon.
The third cantaloupe. | 2,479 |
Did you hear about the mathematician that hates negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them | 2,480 |
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they arrest the bulb for being broken and beat the room for being black. | 2,481 |
Thinking about COVID-19 I just had to ask myself, cui prodest(who stands to gain?) Netflix | 2,482 |
Lawyers
A young girl went to the gynecologist for the first time for her check up.After the exam, the Dr. explained to her that he knew that she had been sexually active,"I'm a professional and it is my job to know these kind of things so don't be embarassed".
"If you have any questions at all you can ask me in confidence".She thought for a minute and asked "Well,can you get pregnant from having Anal Sex??"
The Dr. said,Well of course you can,where do you think Lawyers come from"? | 2,483 |
What does R-Kelly have in common with Malaysian airlines? They both think they can fly | 2,484 |
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar No joke. | 2,485 |
What do you call a father without a car? The walking dad. | 2,486 |
With all this quarantining we have to be especially careful of drummers When this is over they’re gonna come out thinking they can play guitar and sing | 2,487 |
Anne Boleyn must have been pretty kinky. She was dying to give head. | 2,488 |
Today at my gas station job someone told me I’m essential And it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. | 2,489 |
"This virus will kill my generation." "Ok, doomer." | 2,490 |
Polish Divorce A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover.'" | 2,491 |
My little bird.. Enza I once had a bird..
It's name was Enza.
Wanna know how i got it?
I opened the window.. anddddd..
In-Flew-Enza! | 2,492 |
In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum. In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult. | 2,493 |
In America you cast your vote. In India you vote your caste. | 2,494 |
What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine. | 2,495 |
A guy’s driving down the road when he sees three penguins on the side of the road. He looks around and doesn’t see anyone around so he stops and picks them up. He’s driving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop looks in the car and sees the three penguins sitting on the front seat. He exclaims, “You’ve got three penguins in your car!”
The guy replies, I know! I just found them and don’t know what to do with them.”
The cop thinks about for a minute and says, “Take ‘em to the zoo.”
The guy thanks the cop and drives off.
The next day the guy’s driving down the road when the same cop pulls him over. The cop walks up to the car and looks in. The three penguins are still in the front seat, except now they’re wearing sunglasses and tiny baseball hats.
The cop says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday!”
The guy replies, “I did! We had such a good time we’re going to the beach today!” | 2,496 |
why aren't elfs worried about getting covid-19? because they are santa-itized | 2,497 |
Why was Prince Andrew hoping to contract Corona-virus? He wanted to spend more time inside quaran-teens. | 2,498 |
How do you get a clown off a swing set? Hit him in the face with an axe. | 2,499 |
Can 7 guys comfortably enjoy eating at 5 Guys burger joints? No, it's impossible to fit a train in a restaurant. | 2,500 |
Your thought process is on so many levels you gave me a phobia of heights. | 2,501 |
We need streamlining of processes !!! 2 proposals :
- Directly incorporate World Health Organization into #WHObey
- Merge the 2 pathogens and call it the #Wuhanta virus | 2,502 |
What do horses do between races? They horse around a course! | 2,503 |
Why did the Coronavirus cross the road? It likes to take old people to the other side. | 2,504 |
What do you get when you cross Vince Offer and Dwayne Johnson? A ShamRock | 2,505 |
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