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I am a rich man who plays golf but doesn't see very well the ball when I hit it. My friend says : I know a man who can see almost everything, but is 96 years old. Why don't you ask him where is the ball when you hit it and then you pay him? I accepted.
The next day I play golf, I hit the ball, and I ask the old man :
- Did you see it?
- Of course, I saw it!
- And where it is?
- I don't remember it anymore | 2,105 |
FRENCH bulldog Can someone help train my French bulldog he keeps going oui oui | 2,106 |
What’s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? No one’s paying $50 to have a Garbanzo Bean on their face. | 2,107 |
Why are so many people panic buying toilet paper? There's plenty of copies of Lord of the rings to use! | 2,108 |
My current hairstyle is perfect for tonight's Silent Disco. It's got absolutely no volume | 2,109 |
Axl Rose, Bon Jovi, and Stevie Wonder are invited to an exclusive party for musicians. The bartenders have been said to be an “exciting surprise”. So Axl, Bon and Stevie visit out of curiosity. They sit at the bar and grab the bartender’s attentions. They swing by, and reveal themselves as the members of Survivor: Dave Bickler, Jim Peterik, and Frankie Sullivan. Axl, Bon, and Stevie groan as they expected someone with more credentials.
Axl pipes up “You are the ‘exciting surprise’? Who the hell organized this event?”
Bon adds “Yeah you guys had like one hit song, and it was all thanks to a movie.”
The members of Survivor all look at each other frustrated, then turn back towards the three, red furious as ever.
One slaps Axl across the face
One punches Mr. Jovi square in the nose
And one hit Wonder | 2,110 |
What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick into you. | 2,111 |
What do Germans call a dead battery? A Nein- volt | 2,112 |
Why does John cena have the worst heapth insurance plan ever? No matter how many appointments he makes to get his ailments cured, the doctors can't see him. | 2,113 |
Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money back, the wise man confused asks whether his apples were stolen, the neighbor replied that they hadn't, then why do you want your money back? The Wiseman asked so the neighbor showed him the sign that had a new addition to it:
Now there are two! | 2,114 |
instead of 'coronials' how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups". | 2,115 |
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches; one watches cells. | 2,116 |
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing | 2,117 |
What do you call an asian girl with only one leg? Irene | 2,118 |
3 people walk into a bar 3 people walk into a bar
1 of them offer a challenge;
Whoever can drink 10 beers, pluck a tooth of a lion and have sex with a woman wins.
So each of them got 10 beers
The first drinks 6 and passes out.
The second drinks all of his beers take the other 4 from the previous person and heads to pluck the tooth of the lion, he steps into a room with a lion and closes the door.
The third person heard screaming and loud noises. The 2ne person gets out of the room and says;
So where's the woman who's tooth I'm supposed to pluck? | 2,119 |
America is #1 again. We're literally sick of winning. | 2,120 |
Knock knock Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
You're not infected, are you? | 2,121 |
Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life | 2,122 |
Lindsay Lohan at a Church joke Lindsay Lohan goes to Church but is not sure what the schedule is due to the virus. She spots little Johnny and asks him.
Lindsay Lohan: "Is mass out today"
Little Johnny: "No, but your hat is a bit crooked"
I am going to Hell. | 2,123 |
Did you hear State Farm has a new slogan? Like a good neighbor stay over there | 2,124 |
Bartender: why’re you crying? Me: Poor me, poor me.
Bartender: what happened?
Me: I’ve run out. Pour me... another glass! | 2,125 |
What’s a dogs favorite type of transmission? A STICK!!! | 2,126 |
I'm getting back into baking fresh bread. My wife thinks I've forgotten how... So you might say I have something to prove. | 2,127 |
Times are getting really hard in the wake of Covid-19. This week i've had to take up stripping at a local club to make ends meet. My Stage name is Rona, i'm here 5 nights a week and for the right price these legs can be spread as easy as this disease. | 2,128 |
I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends! | 2,129 |
A talent manager overheard me talking recently. Later on in the week, I got a phonecall, talking about how my talents were wanted, and so I was invited to a studio.
They left me alone with a camera, and asked me to show what I could do.
2 hours later, the team comes in, dissapointed, since I hadn't done anything. "We thought you were an idol!"
"You got it wrong, I'm ldle." | 2,130 |
The most vulnerable person in all this is the one who only showers with loofahs, They can not wash their back. | 2,131 |
I hate all 1970s Female Solo Artists What a bunch of Pre-Madonnas | 2,132 |
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Aahgg aahgggg eaaahhll. | 2,133 |
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic... I was in Daniel. | 2,134 |
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said: "Y'know, one would have been enough." | 2,135 |
We've all heard about the freshman fifteen But are we ready for the COVID nineteen? | 2,136 |
These toilet paper hoarder people... Are some shitty people. | 2,137 |
Due to COVID-19... I've begun laundering my money. | 2,138 |
You know, we’ve been keeping up with this whole ‘social distancing’ thing... But my friends tell me we are taking it to far. | 2,139 |
America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases. \#1 AGAIN, bitches. | 2,140 |
What is a Freudian slip? When you want to say to your mother-in-law "Mama, pass me the salt" but instead you say "You fucking bitch, you fucked up my life". | 2,141 |
[OC] Human beings are the worst I've been reading comments on the internet lately, and I've determined that human are maybe not worth saving. Some people say that because you can be anonymous, you pretend to be a jerk, but I don't think that's it.
I think that because no one knows who you are, you can just be the real you, and real humans are just the worst!
You may think I'm just being pessimistic, but you'll see: one day they'll finally invent a telescope big enough and powerful enough to prove it. Right up there on the moon.
They'll zoom in on the Lunar Lander from Apollo 11.
Right next to that you'll see Neil Armstrong's footprints.
Right behind that, scrawled into the moon dust as if written by a finger:
>\#first
and right below that:
>\^\^\^NEIL ARMSTRONG IS A FAG | 2,142 |
Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?” He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly” | 2,143 |
Where does everyone in Alabama play games on their phone? Mobile. | 2,144 |
What do you call it when a fluffer does his job wrong? A fluffer nutter | 2,145 |
With the US’s failure to act, I’m considering moving I was thinking that after quarantine, I’d try Italy. I hear they’re having a lot of openings in the housing market. | 2,146 |
A couple really wanted kids... They would try and try but they just couldn’t have kids. One day they got a letter in the mail,
“ You want the kid of your dreams, come to Magic Steve and he can create them for you”.
THR couple was skeptical but decided to give it a shot. When they got there Steve said to give him 50 bucks and tell him the name of the child.
“ I want it be a girl named Doo and I want her to have blond hair and love science.”
“Ok”, said the man, “ but I need a Magical mushroom from this area in the Amazon forest”
He handed them a photo of the mushroom and they set off. They searched and searched in the forest but they couldn’t find it so they picked one that looked similar to it.
They came back to him with the mushroom.
“Steve this mushroom isn’t exactly the same but we couldn’t find anything else, will it work.”
The magician smiled and said, “I can make Doo”. | 2,147 |
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer Hey, wanna come over some time? | 2,148 |
What does Usain Bolt do when he misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop | 2,149 |
wanna fuck? why do you have to say it like that its supposed to be a magical moment! ok hocus pocus lemme strokus | 2,150 |
What do you call a Computer Science course designed for women? Object oriented programming | 2,151 |
John Cena wakes up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on... The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?"
She responded "ICU"
He replied "No you don't." | 2,152 |
Sand paper sally So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a brothel, he goes in and explains his situation. Gets laughed out for only having five dollars.
He is determined tho so he goes to brothel after brothel only to get shot down.
Finally his fortunes change.
He comes to a particular establishment and explains he has been in prison 15 years and he really really need to get laid but only has five dollars.
The person running the place feels for him but tells him for five dollars the only woman he would have available is "sand paper Sally".
At this point the ex con couldn't care less so he takes the offer.
The newly freed man goes upstairs and prepares to go into the bedroom while fearing the worst.
To his total and utter shock the lady in the bed is gorgeous. Big ass big tits slim waist just a complete bombshell.
She looks at him and tells him she is ready when he is. So the guy dives into the bed and they start going at it. Suddenly the guy pulls out and screams "WHAT THE FUCK YOUR PUSSY FEELS LIKE SAND PAPER?!?!" She apologizes and asked to be excused to the bathroom to fix the issue.
Seeing as the guy has been deprived for years he decides to give her a chance.
A few minutes later she comes out and apologies and says she is ready.
They start up again and the sex is mind blowing.
After the two are spent they lay there and the man asks "So what did you do in the bathroom?"
The lady simply replies....
"I needed to pick the scabs to let the puss run." | 2,153 |
Why do astronauts like computer keyboards? Because they have a space bar. | 2,154 |
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out bushfires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
...
To stamp out burning ducks | 2,155 |
Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound sexuality and on a normal day he would "wash" his rag over 30 times!
Jane became exhausted and decided to avoid Tarzan whenever he was horny. At first Tarzan was confused and angry so he retreated into the jungle.. After some time Jane was again in need of the D but could not find Tarzan anywhere. After a long search she found him and asked him where had he been and why hadn't he searched for her washing machine anymore...
He replied: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand" | 2,156 |
Mississippi Grandma
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.' | 2,157 |
Well, I don't drink anymore. To be fair, I don't drink any less. | 2,158 |
What do you call a homeless woodwind instrument? a hoboe | 2,159 |
I told my wife that dogs can't get coronavirus. She was relieved. She said: At least you won't get sick! | 2,160 |
Why was the toothbrush invented in West Virginia? Because if it was invented somewhere else it would be called the teethbrush. | 2,161 |
As an American citizen, I'm proud to say that our Country always strives to overcome difficulties and rise up as the #1 nation in the world... and today we have proven that we are still very capable of this! We just beat China at their own game and are now #1 across the world for infected individuals with COVID-19! | 2,162 |
What do you call painful growths on an arctic bear’s backside? Polaroids | 2,163 |
Yo momma so old She doesn't squirt, she poofs. | 2,164 |
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr | 2,165 |
Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!" I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!" | 2,166 |
I had a doughtnut shop but ended up selling it... I was fed up of the hole business | 2,167 |
"Doc I need your help! My brother's crazy he thinks he's a chicken!" Shocked, the doctor says "Why don't you turn him in?"
"I would but I need the eggs!" | 2,168 |
Son: Mom, why is my sister's name Paris? Mom: We conceived her when we were in Paris. Now finish your lunch, Quarantino. | 2,169 |
If you get an email with the subject knock-knock Don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home. | 2,170 |
I recently heard about a submarine that recycles an astonishing 95% of its junk. I personally think this sub is doing even better! | 2,171 |
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender slaps it down and says "For you, no charge."
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? You can't. A mountain climber is a scaler. | 2,172 |
What is the only product made in China that has lasted for more than 3 months? Coronavirus | 2,173 |
What does Covid-19 and a reddit user have in common? They want to be inside anyone that touches them, but it's only the sick and old they have a chance of fucking.
(Wash your hands and keep your distance out there) | 2,174 |
[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard. A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now" | 2,175 |
Do you know which American industry has been hardest hit by the social distancing? Mass Shootings.
And do you know the only place that's hiring? The unemployment office. | 2,176 |
On a beautiful lake in the middle of a forest... is a small water strider minding its own business. Right above him, on a small branch sits a spider.
"Oh boy, I'm totally jumping down there and have that water strider for breakfast!" it thinks.
Right under the surface swims a fish. "Yummy, when the spider jumps down on the water strider, I'm gonna shoot up and eat them both!"
Close to the shore lurks a bear. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots out of the water, I'm gonna catch it midair and have a nice meal!"
On the other side of the lake patiently waits a hunter. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots up to eat them both, and the bear comes out to catch the fish, I'll shoot the bear!"
Next to the hunter sits a small, tiny mouse. "When the spider eats the water strider, and the fish the spider, and the bear the fish, and the hunter shoots the bear, he'll be distracted so I can steal the cheese sandwich from his bag.
Next to the mouse sneaks a cat. "When the spider gets the water strider, the fish the spider, the bear the fish, the hunter the bear, then the mouse will come out so I can catch it!"
All is thought and done. The spider jumps down and catches the water strider. Suddenly, the fish shoots up and catches them both, only to be caught midair by the bear. The hunter aims and shoots the bear. The mouse snatches the cheese. The cat runs to the mouse, trys to catch it, misses and falls straight into the lake.
The moral of the story?
The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy. | 2,177 |
An elderly married couple goes to the state fair... They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.
Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"
Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was always "Honey, that ride is twenty dollars, and twenty dollars is twenty dollars."
This time, the man running the helicopter rides overhears the conversation and chimes in "Look, you two have been coming here year after year and never once have you taken a ride. Tell you what: I'll make you a deal. If I take you on a ride, and you can manage to stay silent the entire time, it's on the house."
Ethel exclaims "Oh please Lester! I can be quiet, and I know you can. Let's face it, we're both getting on in years, this could be our last chance!"
Lester relents, and agrees.
They climb into the helicopter and the pilot takes off. He does everything he can to get a reaction from the two. Going up, down, side to side... If you could do a barrel roll in a helicopter, he'd've done it. When their time is up, he starts letting the copter down and prepares to land, saying "I'm pretty impressed. I did things that even scared me, but you two didn't make a peep. Congratulations, this one's on me."
To which Lester replies "yeah, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but twenty dollars is twenty dollars." | 2,178 |
Fifty priests on a tour bus died in a highway accident. long Saint Peter met them at the pearly gates and said, "To save time, I'm going to ask just one question. Which of you has never had a homosexual relationship? The priests looked up and down and mumbled; eventually they started raising their hands until there were 49 hands in the air. "Okay" St. Peter said, "I'm sending you all to hell. And take that deaf bastard with you." | 2,179 |
Putting the cat out My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the Uber was deafening..... | 2,180 |
The smartest man in the USA Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr Anthony Fauci , Hillary Clinton, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there is only 4 parachutes.
Dr Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.
The Pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.
Trump said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA.” He takes one and jumps.
Hillary said to the ten year old "you can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting."
The 10 year old said "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag." | 2,181 |
Why shouldn't women date a construction worker? All they do is screw, nut, and bolt. | 2,182 |
What did the elephant say to the naked guy? How do you eat with that thing? | 2,183 |
Our maid told us that she was going to start working from home She sent us a list of things to do. | 2,184 |
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas | 2,185 |
Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied. I shit you knot! | 2,186 |
What's that game everybody was playing where if you drop your food you had a 5 seconds rule.That dropped down to a 4 seconds rule,to a 3 seconds rule.... Sooner or later you have to pick up your dropped food frame perfect | 2,187 |
Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also. It's called the "Covid-19". | 2,188 |
Mike and Pat Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'"
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I took her way out. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way the **** out there. Much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya....Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much, much further than the last two times. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! And I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!" | 2,189 |
Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase ######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers... | 2,190 |
How do you get fired from a calendar factory? You take a day off | 2,191 |
What does a woman and a cigarette have in common? The flavour gets stronger the closer you get to the butt. | 2,192 |
Why is Bill Cosby always use Canola Oil? Look at the main ingredient | 2,193 |
The newly crowned king got COVID-19! It was during his coronation. | 2,194 |
A plane with five passengers on board is about to crash. There are only four parachutes. The passengers include Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau, and a young schoolboy. Trump reaches for a parachute, saying "I have to get out of here alive. If America has no leader, the whole world will fall into chaos!"
Trudeau slaps his hand away. "That's no way to behave. We're all heads of democracies here, we should solve this democratically. Besides, Canada needs a leader much more than the US does."
"You're both nuts." Macron interjects. "We don't have anyone to represent us, which is important, seeing as to how we're all the heads of *republics*. Besides, France is more important than either of your countries."
"Germany is the leader of the free world." Merkel replies. "If I'm gone, there is no free world. So I should get a parachute."
The schoolboy clears his throat. "I-"
"Not now, kid. Germany, the head of the free world? I've never heard a more bold-faced lie in all my life!"
"You ought to know, you've told enough of them."
"Gentlemen, please, this is very simple. We're all leaders, we'll just all take a parachute and leave the kid."
"*Lady* and gentlemen."
"Whatever. So who's first?"
"Me, of course."
"No, me!"
"Over my dead body!"
"You want to arrange that?"
"I'll have you know, that means war! You don't want to fight us!"
"Yeah? We'll see about-"
*BOOM*
The kid, hanging on from his parachute, watches as the plane crashes into the ground, the politicians still squabbling inside. "I tried to tell them." He thinks aloud to himself. "The number of times I've been through this gag, of course I brought my own." | 2,195 |
There's a ruckus in the neighborhood On one side you hear the nagging of a Woman
On the other, you hear a dog barking
Which should you let in first?
The dog, because he'll stop once he gets inside. | 2,196 |
My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone... I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl. | 2,197 |
I'm pretty sure the coronavirus has got me turning into a dog. I lie around the house all day, my main method of exercise is walking around the neighborhood, and the mailman coming by is one of the most exciting parts of my day. | 2,198 |
In response to being quarantined I'm giving up drinking for an entire month . Edit, missed some punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for an entire month. | 2,199 |
Olympics and Corona Virus Situation are similar USA and China fighting out for the top spot while using other countries as collateral damage | 2,200 |
When you look at post from new then forget to change it back You go mentally insane | 2,201 |
Use the word pandemic in a sentence... I use a large frying pandemic omelettes | 2,202 |
I met a feminist in a bar She told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule were I can only say something I would say to Dwayne Johnson
Do 2 minutes into the conversation is said
“Your chest is fucking epic” | 2,203 |
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off. Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice.. | 2,204 |
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