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I am a rich man who plays golf but doesn't see very well the ball when I hit it. My friend says : I know a man who can see almost everything, but is 96 years old. Why don't you ask him where is the ball when you hit it and then you pay him? I accepted. The next day I play golf, I hit the ball, and I ask the old man : ...
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FRENCH bulldog Can someone help train my French bulldog he keeps going oui oui
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What’s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? No one’s paying $50 to have a Garbanzo Bean on their face.
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Why are so many people panic buying toilet paper? There's plenty of copies of Lord of the rings to use!
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My current hairstyle is perfect for tonight's Silent Disco. It's got absolutely no volume
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Axl Rose, Bon Jovi, and Stevie Wonder are invited to an exclusive party for musicians. The bartenders have been said to be an “exciting surprise”. So Axl, Bon and Stevie visit out of curiosity. They sit at the bar and grab the bartender’s attentions. They swing by, and reveal themselves as the members of Survivor: Dave...
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What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick into you.
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What do Germans call a dead battery? A Nein- volt
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Why does John cena have the worst heapth insurance plan ever? No matter how many appointments he makes to get his ailments cured, the doctors can't see him.
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Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes o...
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instead of 'coronials' how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups".
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What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches; one watches cells.
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What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
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What do you call an asian girl with only one leg? Irene
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3 people walk into a bar 3 people walk into a bar 1 of them offer a challenge; Whoever can drink 10 beers, pluck a tooth of a lion and have sex with a woman wins. So each of them got 10 beers The first drinks 6 and passes out. The second drinks all of his beers take the other 4 from the previous person and heads to plu...
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America is #1 again. We're literally sick of winning.
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Knock knock Who's there? Ach. Ach who? You're not infected, are you?
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Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life
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Lindsay Lohan at a Church joke Lindsay Lohan goes to Church but is not sure what the schedule is due to the virus. She spots little Johnny and asks him. Lindsay Lohan: "Is mass out today" Little Johnny: "No, but your hat is a bit crooked" I am going to Hell.
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Did you hear State Farm has a new slogan? Like a good neighbor stay over there
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Bartender: why’re you crying? Me: Poor me, poor me. Bartender: what happened? Me: I’ve run out. Pour me... another glass!
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What’s a dogs favorite type of transmission? A STICK!!!
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I'm getting back into baking fresh bread. My wife thinks I've forgotten how... So you might say I have something to prove.
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Times are getting really hard in the wake of Covid-19. This week i've had to take up stripping at a local club to make ends meet. My Stage name is Rona, i'm here 5 nights a week and for the right price these legs can be spread as easy as this disease.
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I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!
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A talent manager overheard me talking recently. Later on in the week, I got a phonecall, talking about how my talents were wanted, and so I was invited to a studio. They left me alone with a camera, and asked me to show what I could do. 2 hours later, the team comes in, dissapointed, since I hadn't done anything. "We...
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The most vulnerable person in all this is the one who only showers with loofahs, They can not wash their back.
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I hate all 1970s Female Solo Artists What a bunch of Pre-Madonnas
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Aahgg aahgggg eaaahhll.
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic... I was in Daniel.
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said: "Y'know, one would have been enough."
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We've all heard about the freshman fifteen But are we ready for the COVID nineteen?
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These toilet paper hoarder people... Are some shitty people.
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Due to COVID-19... I've begun laundering my money.
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You know, we’ve been keeping up with this whole ‘social distancing’ thing... But my friends tell me we are taking it to far.
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America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases. \#1 AGAIN, bitches.
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What is a Freudian slip? When you want to say to your mother-in-law "Mama, pass me the salt" but instead you say "You fucking bitch, you fucked up my life".
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[OC] Human beings are the worst I've been reading comments on the internet lately, and I've determined that human are maybe not worth saving. Some people say that because you can be anonymous, you pretend to be a jerk, but I don't think that's it. I think that because no one knows who you are, you can just be the real...
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Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?” He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly”
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Where does everyone in Alabama play games on their phone? Mobile.
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What do you call it when a fluffer does his job wrong? A fluffer nutter
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With the US’s failure to act, I’m considering moving I was thinking that after quarantine, I’d try Italy. I hear they’re having a lot of openings in the housing market.
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A couple really wanted kids... They would try and try but they just couldn’t have kids. One day they got a letter in the mail, “ You want the kid of your dreams, come to Magic Steve and he can create them for you”. THR couple was skeptical but decided to give it a shot. When they got there Steve said to give him 50...
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Keep your friends close and your enemies closer Hey, wanna come over some time?
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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop
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wanna fuck? why do you have to say it like that its supposed to be a magical moment! ok hocus pocus lemme strokus
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What do you call a Computer Science course designed for women? Object oriented programming
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John Cena wakes up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on... The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?" She responded "ICU" He replied "No you don't."
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Sand paper sally So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life. He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name. Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy. So, he goes to a brothel, he go...
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Why do astronauts like computer keyboards? Because they have a space bar.
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Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out bushfires. Why do elephants have big feet? ... To stamp out burning ducks
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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand. "listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine." Tarzan began to grow extremely fo...
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Mississippi Grandma Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, ...
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Well, I don't drink anymore. To be fair, I don't drink any less.
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What do you call a homeless woodwind instrument? a hoboe
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I told my wife that dogs can't get coronavirus. She was relieved. She said: At least you won't get sick!
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Why was the toothbrush invented in West Virginia? Because if it was invented somewhere else it would be called the teethbrush.
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As an American citizen, I'm proud to say that our Country always strives to overcome difficulties and rise up as the #1 nation in the world... and today we have proven that we are still very capable of this! We just beat China at their own game and are now #1 across the world for infected individuals with COVID-19!
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What do you call painful growths on an arctic bear’s backside? Polaroids
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Yo momma so old She doesn't squirt, she poofs.
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Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr
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Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!" I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"
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I had a doughtnut shop but ended up selling it... I was fed up of the hole business
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"Doc I need your help! My brother's crazy he thinks he's a chicken!" Shocked, the doctor says "Why don't you turn him in?" "I would but I need the eggs!"
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Son: Mom, why is my sister's name Paris? Mom: We conceived her when we were in Paris. Now finish your lunch, Quarantino.
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If you get an email with the subject knock-knock Don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.
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I recently heard about a submarine that recycles an astonishing 95% of its junk. I personally think this sub is doing even better!
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender slaps it down and says "For you, no charge." What do you get if you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? You can't. A mountain climber is a scaler.
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What is the only product made in China that has lasted for more than 3 months? Coronavirus
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What does Covid-19 and a reddit user have in common? They want to be inside anyone that touches them, but it's only the sick and old they have a chance of fucking. (Wash your hands and keep your distance out there)
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[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard. A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now"
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Do you know which American industry has been hardest hit by the social distancing? Mass Shootings. And do you know the only place that's hiring? The unemployment office.
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On a beautiful lake in the middle of a forest... is a small water strider minding its own business. Right above him, on a small branch sits a spider. "Oh boy, I'm totally jumping down there and have that water strider for breakfast!" it thinks. Right under the surface swims a fish. "Yummy, when the spider jumps down o...
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An elderly married couple goes to the state fair... They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides. Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?" Being brought up during the Great Depression...
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Fifty priests on a tour bus died in a highway accident. long Saint Peter met them at the pearly gates and said, "To save time, I'm going to ask just one question. Which of you has never had a homosexual relationship? The priests looked up and down and mumbled; eventually they started raising their hands until there w...
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Putting the cat out My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs insi...
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The smartest man in the USA Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr Anthony Fauci , Hillary Clinton, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there is only 4 parachutes. Dr Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” ...
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Why shouldn't women date a construction worker? All they do is screw, nut, and bolt.
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What did the elephant say to the naked guy? How do you eat with that thing?
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Our maid told us that she was going to start working from home She sent us a list of things to do.
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What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
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Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied. I shit you knot!
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What's that game everybody was playing where if you drop your food you had a 5 seconds rule.That dropped down to a 4 seconds rule,to a 3 seconds rule.... Sooner or later you have to pick up your dropped food frame perfect
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Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also. It's called the "Covid-19".
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Mike and Pat Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! ...
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Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase ######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]: shiv or me timbers...
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How do you get fired from a calendar factory? You take a day off
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What does a woman and a cigarette have in common? The flavour gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.
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Why is Bill Cosby always use Canola Oil? Look at the main ingredient
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The newly crowned king got COVID-19! It was during his coronation.
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A plane with five passengers on board is about to crash. There are only four parachutes. The passengers include Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau, and a young schoolboy. Trump reaches for a parachute, saying "I have to get out of here alive. If America has no leader, the whole world will fall...
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There's a ruckus in the neighborhood On one side you hear the nagging of a Woman On the other, you hear a dog barking Which should you let in first? The dog, because he'll stop once he gets inside.
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My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone... I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.
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I'm pretty sure the coronavirus has got me turning into a dog. I lie around the house all day, my main method of exercise is walking around the neighborhood, and the mailman coming by is one of the most exciting parts of my day.
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In response to being quarantined I'm giving up drinking for an entire month . Edit, missed some punctuation. I'm giving up. Drinking for an entire month.
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Olympics and Corona Virus Situation are similar USA and China fighting out for the top spot while using other countries as collateral damage
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When you look at post from new then forget to change it back You go mentally insane
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Use the word pandemic in a sentence... I use a large frying pandemic omelettes
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I met a feminist in a bar She told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule were I can only say something I would say to Dwayne Johnson Do 2 minutes into the conversation is said “Your chest is fucking epic”
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I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off. Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Pr...
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