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Due to corona; We can no longer have close friends. | 2,205 |
One more thing millennials are killing Boomers | 2,206 |
My parents are the funniest people in the world They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it. | 2,207 |
What is the difference between AC/DC, and your testicles? Nothing, you shake ‘em both all night long. | 2,208 |
I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower. | 2,209 |
What did the spy say to his informant in the cornfield? Careful there are ears all around us | 2,210 |
Where does powdered milk come from? Dehydrated Cows | 2,211 |
Long - "Me and my girlfriend, we live apart - Boris Johnson has now ruled that if we have sex in each other's houses, the gestapo'll turn up" (Assume Yorkshire accent)
"So I said to her, sexy like, one evening on the phone - why don't we do fantasy to keep things alive like - cos we can't in proper like you know."
"She goes - yeah - am up for it - what you thinkin'?"
"So I goes - you know that blow up doll thing we talked about - you up for it? I could order 'em and we could like ... do 'em on't camera Thursday evening after we've 'ad us tea?"
She goes yeah, do it babe - order em - put mine with your name and yours with mine - so it's dead romantic like"
So I thought ok. Let's do it. Cost me £450 quid!
Anyway few days later later, Thursday it were - I goes "I've got mine - 'av you got yours?"
She goes "You piggin' bastard - fuck off - I'm done with you!"
As you can guess, I were flabbergasted - flabbergasted I were - shocked - down to me core
And she goes "You filthy bastard - why d'ya send me two?!" | 2,212 |
What's the difference between a knife and a girl in a argument ? The knife has a point | 2,213 |
My friend Chance told me this one. A young couple was dealing with unsuccessful pregnancies. Wanting to have a baby, they went to a sperm bank. The woman at the reception desk handed the man a bottle and said "Come back tomorrow with the bottle filled, and we'll see if you're infertile or not."
The next day, the couple came back with the bottle, but it was empty. When the man handed the bottle to the woman at the desk, she said "Why is the bottle empty?"
The man said "Welp, I tried with my left hand. Then, I tried with my right hand. My wife even tried with her mouth, and even that couldn't get the damn bottle open!" | 2,214 |
i was visiting the psychiatrist recently. Let's start with some simple questions:
Do you have a wife?
"I don't remember."
Do you have an active sex life?
"I don't remember."
Have you had kids?
"I don't remember."
Do you suffer from long term memory loss?
"I don't remember."
The diagnosis was clear.
I can't really remember what it was though. | 2,215 |
What do you call an overweight prawn? Homer Shrimpson. | 2,216 |
A guy ordered some pizza When the pizzeria asked what pizza the man wanted, he said
“Can I have a boneless pizza?”
He thoroughly enjoyed his meal | 2,217 |
A 70 year old Jewish Man told me this joke A man was in the park and he saw a Jewish mother watching her two sons play on the playground. He approached her and asked, "Are those your boys?"
"Yes they are."
"How old are they?"
"The doctor is four and the lawyer is three." | 2,218 |
How did Hannibal defeat the Romans? He used the elephant of surprise. | 2,219 |
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None | 2,220 |
I was so drunk at my quarantine party last night I don't even remember getting home from the kitchen! | 2,221 |
Scientists: "Developing a vaccine for coronavirus will take 1 year" media: "Coronavirus vaccine developed for people with 1 ear" | 2,222 |
What do you call a crossdressing pharoh King Tuck | 2,223 |
Why cant orphans go on field trips? They need a parents signature. | 2,224 |
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." ​
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!" | 2,225 |
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds | 2,226 |
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard. But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/ | 2,227 |
Anyone knows a good way to downgrade? I installed this 2020 upgrade, but it came with a virus. | 2,228 |
Businessman: How much does it cost to buy a large singing group? Agent: Do you mean a choir?
Businessman: Fine! How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group? | 2,229 |
A blonde went to the library Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.
Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.
Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad. | 2,230 |
I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire. But I kept the drawings for future reference. | 2,231 |
why aren't star wars jokes popular? .
.
.
.
they are usually quite *forced*
(just like this one) | 2,232 |
I'm surprised stores are out of toilet paper and not laundry detergent.. The whole world has been shitting themselves for weeks.. | 2,233 |
What did the Punjabi couple name their son? Social Distance Singh | 2,234 |
I've always wanted to go on a hike with a member of the fellowship of the ring. So I took a salted cracker on my last hike... ...making it a peregrine TUC. | 2,235 |
In light of recent events, I want to start a petition to change our country’s name to the United States Of Emergency | 2,236 |
Me looking at my bed trying to avoid a nap while working from home Insert meme of guy from Lord of the rings saying "you have no power here" (superimpose word "bed") | 2,237 |
Who got all of the toilet paper at the store? >!Assholes.!< | 2,238 |
Just ordered a Chinese takeaway It was delivered by this little chinese guy,
I opened the door before he got there and he started yelling "ISOLATE! ISOLATE!"
I said "don't worry about it, i only ordered it 20 minutes ago" | 2,239 |
Working from home - day 6 Client: "No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors"
Me: "Moooom!" | 2,240 |
Becoming a priest When I was young the priest at our church said he would help me become a priest.
in the end, he fucked me over.
and over.
and over again. | 2,241 |
A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up. I guess they’ll touch on that later. | 2,242 |
Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a plane crash. Who survives? The world. | 2,243 |
-Do you think it's racist to fire a white worker in Africa? -Racist or not, I don't think you can fire a director | 2,244 |
What did the poacher say to the rhinoceros? Got your nose! | 2,245 |
Hope this keeps u busy during quarantine Hello there, I just got hired as an intern at a big company called “Net.” I work in the staffing division and I am looking for people who have two skills, which at my company are called the Wi and the Fi. We accept people of all races E.g. I just hired a man named Karan Tine. I hope you hope you find this job appealing because we don’t require you to come to the office physically because Karan Tine will help you work at home. We hope to see you as a new intern at Net. | 2,246 |
The Republican Party isn’t Christian... It’s Dow-ist | 2,247 |
Seniors during quarantine I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there." | 2,248 |
I always associate my late uncle with the pop rocks Both exploded in my mouth... | 2,249 |
Twins My wife is a twin. you can’t tell them apart without their cloths on.
well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to to. | 2,250 |
[oc] Why was the devil exercising so hard? He wanted to get a 666 pack. | 2,251 |
Michael Jackson Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing a mask and gloves?
Now you are all out there looking like you wanna be starting something! | 2,252 |
A Jewish woman having sex An Italian woman having sex: "Ahhh, Luigi! Deeper, harder!!"
A French woman having sex: "Ooo, Pierre! Swirl your tongue RIGHT THERE!"
A Jewish woman having sex: "Frank, you need to paint the ceiling." | 2,253 |
Batmans unexpected Batman: presses center console on belt
Everyone: what cant his belt do
The guy watching Batman: He didn't expect the Spanish inquisition! | 2,254 |
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels. | 2,255 |
Why are all Jewish men circumcized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off. | 2,256 |
What does lettuce say when you lock it outside. LETTUCE IN. | 2,257 |
The man goes to the doctor The man goes to the doctor and started complaining that he is feeling pain between his shoulder blades.
\- "Do you smoke?"
\- "No, I've left it ten years ago."
\- "Do you drink?"
\- "No, I haven't had a drop in almost a year."
\- "Do you have sex?"
\- "No, I haven't had anyone for a long time.
\- Oh, don't worry, it seems to me that the wings are growing. | 2,258 |
This is a joke my dad told me So i was in line at braums and the guy in front of me said "ill take one scoop of chocolate" the worker said "im sorry we are out of chocolate" so the guy walks around for a few minutes comes back and says "ill have a chocolate milkshake" the worker says "we are out of chocolate" so the guy walks around again for a few minutes comes back and says "ill have a banana split with all chocolate" the worker says "sir you see that sign up there that says vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate" the guy says "yeah" the worker says "where is the van in vanilla" the guy says " well its at the front" the worker says "wheres the straw in strawberry" the guy says "at the front" the worker says "wheres the fuck in chocolate" the guy says "well there aint no fuck in chocolate" the worker says "THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THERE AINT NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE" | 2,259 |
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side | 2,260 |
WW2 Russia is knocking on Germany's door:
Russia: Knock Knock
Germany: Whose there
Russia: Moscow
Germany: Moscow who
Russia: Moscow you wont get it
Germany: I don't get it
Russia: Ya you won't | 2,261 |
Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word... The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.
The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.
The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.
The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot... don't you have something to share about your son?"
The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort..." They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though - just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!"
Edit: Hot dang, my first gold! Thanks for all the great comments. It's a little twist on one I heard long ago. I will be more diligent to avoid a repost. Nothing is quite like a new joke hot off the press. More to come, you all are beautiful! | 2,262 |
My circle of friends is finally expanding I haven't gained any, we are just standing further apart. | 2,263 |
Why did the horse cross the road? I don't know, he left before I could ask equestrian. | 2,264 |
Why don't lumberjacks like sitting down? They have balsa wood | 2,265 |
Did you know Aaron Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack? His name was Tim. | 2,266 |
Why did the dog drop the soap? Because he likes it ruff | 2,267 |
After 5 years of marriage After 5 years of marriage the wife finds £7,500 in cash and 4 eggs on top of the wardrobe.
Intrigued she asked the husband the meaning of it.
Husband: Well since we got married I've put one egg up there for every time you annoy me.
Chuffed that in all of 5 years the husband had collected only 4 eggs the wife asks about the £7,500.
Husband: Every time I have a dozen I sell | 2,268 |
Wife Said to my wife, " why don't we watch something topical, like Contagion or Outbreak ?"
She said let's just watch anything by Quentin Quarantino ! | 2,269 |
Corona will never kill me My wife will do it way before the virus reaches me | 2,270 |
Where do Chinese people go at night? Tibet. | 2,271 |
How does a spider network? *logs into web* | 2,272 |
Two gay guys racing two lesbians... Two gay guys team up to race two lesbians from the west coast of the U.S. to the east coast. Who wins the race, and why?
The lesbians win because they go 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still packing their shit. | 2,273 |
If baby boomers were still fertile, how many children would be conceived in quarantine? None. All of them would be in line for toilet paper. | 2,274 |
What do you call a sign language interpreter with severe brain damage? A cosplayer | 2,275 |
At the museum my wife: Do you think we’re allowed to take pictures? Me: No. I think they need to stay on the
wall. | 2,276 |
Just had a Posh wank.... ... used 3 sheets of toilet roll. | 2,277 |
Weed can help with learning languages. It helps with ganjagation | 2,278 |
A man is in his flat watching TV. He suddenly hears someone is knocking the door. The man goes to the door, opens and sees another man that starts speaking very fast : hello sir, you are a winner of an awesome vacuum cleaner. You have won it in a lottery and all you have to do to claim this prize is to pay 299... Then the first man tries to close the door, but the other guy says: wait a second sir, we have got a way to demonstrate you the power of this vacuum cleaner. He grabs a plastic bag from his pocket. The man looks on the bag and slowly says: there's poop in there... The guy says: indeed sir! And drops the poop on the man's rug. Then he rubs it into the rug with his shoe and now says: sir, if this awesome vacuum cleaner won't clean this whole poop right now, I'm going to EAT everything that will remain. The guy wants to turn on the vacuum cleaner, when the man tells him: well, I hope you're hungry, because there is no electricity in the whole block of flats right now...
Sorry if my English is shitty btw | 2,279 |
What do you call a catholic circumcision? A suck off. | 2,280 |
A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request. The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked. | 2,281 |
Who names these viruses? Yes | 2,282 |
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it so I can watch it with my family \^\_\^ | 2,283 |
My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant.... ... that when I pee I clean the toilet. | 2,284 |
Why can't quarantined people look out the window all morning? Because they wouldn't have anything to do all afternoon. | 2,285 |
I'll tell you a funny joke. NOW LAUGH | 2,286 |
So I decided to join the space force today... I immediately got promoted because I have apparently been a space cadet for most of my life. | 2,287 |
White dwarf, red giant, black hole, brown dwarf. Interracial midget-giant porn is the best. | 2,288 |
What do dive bars and Taco Bell have in common? Loose stools. | 2,289 |
If video games really cause violent behavior... ...I can't wait to see what happens with people post-pandemic. | 2,290 |
Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries? They got banned from the competition by the WHO. | 2,291 |
Old Biker Gruff old biker walks into a roadside dive.
Sign behind the bar says Beer $2.50
Cheeseburger $4.00
Hand-job $12.00
Biker motions for the lady working the counter to come over.
(Biker) "You the one giving hand-jobs?"
(Lady behind bar) "I sure am."
(Biker) "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger." | 2,292 |
The good news is that you're going to live the rest of your life like a billionaire. The bad news is .... it's Howard Hughes. | 2,293 |
They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective Don't believe me? Just wash | 2,294 |
My Hindsight is 20/20... But my foresight is 50/50. | 2,295 |
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene | 2,296 |
What's a library ? It's like the internet, but made of trees. | 2,297 |
So, if we are all on the network at home... Is it called WiFighting? | 2,298 |
Why doesn't Antarctica have any cases of coronavirus? Because they are self-ICE-olated | 2,299 |
I trie to convince my girlfriend to come to the gym with me. I really want this relationship to workout. | 2,300 |
Guy goes into a bar and orders 3 treble whiskeys Barman looks perplexed but serves them up. Guy drinks the first one and says he is celebrating. While he drinks the second treble the barman asks him what he is celebrating. Guy says he’s celebrating a blow job and promptly necks the 3rd one and says it was his first ever. Barman likes the mans style and offers him a whiskey on the house to help celebrate. Guy says thanks but no thanks, if 9 whiskeys won’t shift the taste then nothing will. | 2,301 |
The lead singer of Linkin Park was one of the Jigsaw trap victims in Saw 6. Want to know what happened? He tried so hard, and he got so far, but in the end it didn’t even matter. | 2,302 |
I worked hard for many years and proud to have finally graduated from Clown College. I'm telling you, it was no small feat! | 2,303 |
I was playing Mimecraft last night My wife didn't hear a thing. | 2,304 |
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