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Lockdown in Russia Lockdown in Russia, the '50s. Interdiction to be out between 21:00 and 6:00. 2 military men see some guy sneaking. One of them takes out his gun and shoots him.
- Yuri, why did you shoot him? It's only 20:45.
- I knew the guy, he lives very far. He wouldn't have made it on time | 2,606 |
I thought I was a slow learner Then I tried to teach the sandwich maker how to cook a meal. | 2,607 |
Why I don't vaccinate my kids
My doctor does | 2,608 |
You know what the worst part is about shopping during lockdown? All the Gaviscon. | 2,610 |
Being a man is really hard. No matter how you feel, no woman ever just asks you "How are you?" It's always just "How did you get into my house?" | 2,611 |
I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe
Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out
zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog
singers and other musical - get it on, make whoopie, get lucky, beat it, rock and roll, afternoon delight
cowboy - cowgirl, ride
archaeologist - dig out
butcher - pork, sausage, hide the salami
doctor and teacher- spank
and of course how could I miss the profession that has given us one of the most used sexual terms used in recent history
priest - the altar boy | 2,612 |
Harvey weinstein confirmed covid-19 positive Covid 19 is the first thing contacted him with consent | 2,613 |
A Chinese Army captain ...got a genie from the bottle that only spoke English. Because they could not understand each other very well the genie was frustrated and said, "You only get one wish but you have to tell me in English."
The Captain replied, "The Chinese army wants-a- world domination so our wish is to Coronise the world." | 2,614 |
What does it take to turn a conservative into a socialist? $1200. | 2,615 |
Our National Railway company may be utter garbage and a disgraceful stain on the image of the country... but at least if corona shuts it down, no one will notice the change in schedules. | 2,616 |
My Cocaine Is So White Police Let It Go With A Warning | 2,617 |
There have been a lot of inside jokes about Coronavirus I wonder why? | 2,618 |
How does Jeffrey Dahmer sort his COVID-19 infected victims? Six Feet Apart | 2,619 |
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? The Second-Hand Store. | 2,620 |
What did Present Continuous say to Present Simple? Not now buddy.
Some English joke I heard a while ago, something for grammar-na... | 2,621 |
What’s Moby Dick’s brother’s name? Little Boner, because dad couldn’t come up with any other.
Note: My sis saw an earlier Moby Dick joke, and I felt the punchline kinda feels off. So here is my take. | 2,622 |
From friend, to girlfriend, to fiance, and now wife! I've been doing a lot of driving today! | 2,623 |
I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes. They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure. | 2,624 |
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day | 2,625 |
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right. | 2,626 |
What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress? One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio. | 2,627 |
What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on? A royal flush is better than a full house | 2,629 |
I just had a Jesus call in to our technical support line to downgrade his service. I guess in times of crisis, Jesus saves! | 2,630 |
Prince Charles results positive for Covid-19 He has finally be coronated after all these years | 2,631 |
Redditors with 20/20 vision... How did you not see that coming? | 2,632 |
What do you get when you clone a rapper? Two pacs | 2,633 |
Whoever said that one man cannot change the world Has never eaten a bat. | 2,634 |
Understandable but disappointed to hear that Timpsons are closing. I was so sure they were Key Workers. | 2,635 |
A man hears a voice in his head... *Quit your job. Sell everything. Go to Vegas.*
"What a weird thing to think." says the man to himself as he works at his desk.
*Quit your job. Sell everything. Go to Vegas.*
The voice persistently states as he drives home. The man again ignores it and kisses his wife hello.
*Quit your job. Sell everything. Go to Vegas.*
He hears it as he's eating his dinner. His wife asks him what is wrong. "Nothing honey, just have some work things on my mind."
*Quit your job. Sell everything. Go to Vegas.*
He wakes up in the middle of the night, the voice becomes louder and louder.
*Quit your job. Sell everything. Go to Vegas.*
He can no longer sleep. He feels like a zombie as he drives into work.
*Quit your job. Sell everything. Go to Vegas.*
Right in the middle of staff meeting the voice in his head screams.
*Quit your job. Sell everything. Go to Vegas.*
"Fine! Boss, I'm sorry, you've been great, but I got to go, I'm sorry I didn't give you two weeks." He drives home.
*Sell everything. Go to Vegas.*
He sells his car and fine watches, his wife threatens divorce as he tries to list the house. He lists it anyways and sells it. His wife cries as she leaves him.
*Go to Vegas.*
He goes to the airport without even a handbag and buys a one-way ticket to Vegas. He lands at McCarron International airport.
*Go to the Mirage.*
Excitement begins to build in his mind. Whatever this is, it's finally moving. He takes a cab to the Mirage.
*Color up to a single chip.*
The man brings his life savings to the window and gets a $100,000 chip.
*Go to the third roulette wheel.*
He almost runs to the third roulette wheel.
*Put the chip on green 00.*
The man puts the $100K chip on 00, the roulette croupier looks stunned and announces "We have a gambler here, folks." and throws the ball in the wheel.
The wheel spins, the ball bounces, and slowly, slowly the ball drops on Red 25.
*Fuck.* | 2,636 |
Me : Sometimes you just walk into a room and forget Viva examiner : uh-huh | 2,637 |
A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.
When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.
The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.
The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on."
"NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?".
"Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body."
"Will that free her?" the husband wondered.
no, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece | 2,638 |
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin | 2,639 |
My girlfriend treats my dick like COVID-19 She didn't care about it until I gave it to her mom | 2,640 |
We went from "okay, boomer".. to "you okay, boomer?" in like a week. | 2,641 |
Roses are red, violets are blue. People think coronavirus is just a normal flu. | 2,642 |
"Dad, what does mom have between her legs?" "A paradise, son!"
"And what do you have?"
"The keys to the paradise, son"
"Got it daddy. Did you know the neighbour has a duplicate?" | 2,643 |
What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year? Your grandparents. | 2,644 |
So Charles caught Covid-19 Probably not the coronation he was expecting | 2,645 |
What do COVID-19 and telling a joke to a group of blondes have in common? It may take a while but eventually everyone will get it | 2,646 |
Sodium Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!!
I was going to make another joke about sodium but then I was like Na you wouldn’t get it
Hope that joke didn’t make you salty | 2,647 |
I recently lost my job and I heard Dollar General's are now hiring for overnight stalker positions. With a rap sheet like mine, it should be an easy score. | 2,648 |
Being on lockdown together has made my wife and me really conscious of how competitive we are. We've been having a good laugh about it! (I laugh more than she does, though.) | 2,649 |
What do you call social distancing in China? Wuhan Solo. | 2,650 |
I hear Apple is designing a new car but they are having trouble installing the windows | 2,652 |
What do you do with a sick chemist? First you try helium,then try curium,but if that doesn't work.You barium | 2,653 |
What did the sock say to it’s enemy? I think we got off on the wrong foot. | 2,654 |
I heard a new possible sign you have Coronavirus is the loss of taste. So I’m eating every fifteen minutes just to stay safe. | 2,655 |
When this is all over, I'm going to have a serious rethink about my life priorities and how I use my time For one thing, I'm never going on another one of them pangolin-fucking holidays | 2,656 |
Why will Pornhub not crash when Netflix does? It is experienced with big loads. | 2,657 |
Problem at the airport Mr and Mrs Smith were going on holiday to Spain. As usual there was lots of traffic on the motorway, and they only just got to the airport on time. They parked the car, got out their suitcases, and took the bus to the terminal. At last they reached the check-in desk.
As they got there, Mr. Smith turned to his wife and said. "I wish I'd brought the piano with us !"
"The piano ?!??" she replied. "Are you stupid? We can't take the piano on the plane."
"No, I know. But I've just remembered that I left the tickets on the piano...." | 2,658 |
Covid-19 isn’t Trumps fault... Swine Flu wasn’t Obama’s fault, SARS wasn’t Bush’s fault, and herpes wasn’t Clinton’s fault. | 2,659 |
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas." She continues "Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now I can hear my farts, but they still don't stink"
"If you can hear it, but can't smell it", the doctor says as he puts on a thick face mask, goggles and gloves, "you have COVID-19." | 2,660 |
In Marrakesh, the food is famously tangy, but there is another Moroccan city where... It is Tangier. | 2,661 |
Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open 17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from | 2,662 |
The Coronavirus has really impacted gang activity in town. Now they're doing drive-by coughing. | 2,663 |
What does CDC stand for? Can't Diagnose Covid | 2,664 |
You know the industry hit hardest by coronavirus? Home invasion. | 2,665 |
What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino? Elephino... | 2,666 |
What is Harry Potter's way of getting down a hill? Walking
​
​
Jk. rolling | 2,667 |
I went and got tested for the Corona anti-body Turns out it was just a beer belly. | 2,668 |
Day 91101 of quarantine I finished building a time machine. | 2,669 |
My best friend and his wife are about to get divorced, it’s a tough situation Me and his wife still don’t know how to break the news to him | 2,670 |
Married couple couldn’t sleep There was once this married couple that lived next to a farm.
They’ve always wanted to live in a rural area because it would allow them to escape the madness of a big boomin’ city.
However, one night when they were sleeping, a rooster starting going crazy and making all of this noise. This noise was nonstop and kept the couple up all night. This would continue for days on end.
On the 6th day, the rooster started going crazy again and making all of this noise. So the husband got outta bed and went to go talk to the farmer to see if he could do anything about it.
The farmer did nothing.
On the 7th day, the rooster started going crazy again and making all of this noise. The husband then gets ready to go over to the farmer again but the wife stops him. She says, “Hey Sweetie I got this. Go back to bed.”
So the wife gets up and heads over to the farm.
Twenty minutes later she comes back and goes to sleep. The rooster didn’t make any more noise for the rest of the night and wouldn’t make noise for the months to come.
One day the husband asked the wife, “hey how did you ever get that rooster to stop making all of that noise?”
And the wife said, “Honey, talking to the farmer was pointless. Everyone knows there’s only one true way to quiet a raging cock...you strangle it till blood comes out.” | 2,671 |
When the DJ plays "Macarena", I do the Macarena when the DJ plays "Hokey Pokey", I do the Hokey Pokey. When the DJ plays "Come on Eileen". I get arrested. | 2,672 |
Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady We just didn't know, cause he couldn't stand up | 2,673 |
Being a plumber must suck Your putting up with shit everyday. | 2,674 |
What does an injured cat always say? "Me, ow!" | 2,675 |
With everyone being so scared of COVID-19, robbing banks should be easier. Take it from me, I robbed one yesterday, and I didn’t even have to bring a gun, I just threatened to cough on them. | 2,676 |
I can talk to animals! Such a shame they have no idea what I'm saying | 2,677 |
What do whales do during Social Distancing? Netflix and Krill | 2,678 |
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy and the other is a little lighter. | 2,679 |
I found out how to become a millionaire thanks for clicking my ads | 2,680 |
At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them There were just a few Casual Tees. | 2,681 |
What does Kentucky Fried Chicken and me trying to stretch out my last roll of cheap toilet paper have in common? They're both finger licking good. | 2,682 |
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator? An investigator. | 2,683 |
What do you call a fake koi fish? A dekoi... | 2,684 |
... then Jesus said "whoever have never sinned before, throw the first rock" - Nobody? Ok, I'll go first | 2,685 |
Rainbow Trail You know this "rainbow trail" that kids are doing, drawing rainbows to put in their windows?
Well, not my kids. Because there's no windows in my basement. | 2,686 |
Prince Charles tested positive for coronavirus. It has now gone heirborn | 2,687 |
In the draw down of WWII... Dignitaries and generals were touring Nazi facilities in Europe. One of the stops that they made was at a naval base where the dreaded U-Boats were based.
The dignitaries and their staffs were headed to a captured U-Boat, when a droning was noticed, and the air raid sirens went off. The Luftwaffe planes barreled towards the crowd, opening up their machine guns.
The crowd ran and quickly got into the U-Boat, but General Patton was in the back, and the Allied Captain of the U-Boat wanted to make sure that all of the dignitaries were on board before escaping below the waters. He sent a young Boatswain's Mate to count and verify all of the saviors of Europe were on board.
"Churchill! Eisenhower! Montgomery! Zhukov!" he yelled as he checked off the names. After a long pause, he grew concerned as one name was missing. Puffing, the final General clamored down the ladder.
"PATTON, DOWN THE HATCHES!"
The U-Boat pulled away and slid beneath the waters. | 2,688 |
Four farmers are feeding their chickens The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"
The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."
The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."
The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his chickens.
The other three stare at him and say nothing.
He eventually notices the staring and says, "What? I like my chicken baked." | 2,689 |
I went to the supermarket to get some beer... And I came back with a case of Corona | 2,690 |
I used to cough to hide my farts Now I fart to hide my cough | 2,691 |
Which type of tree will you find frog’s eggs? A -c^r^-oak tree. | 2,692 |
I farted and a gay man walked into the room and asks... "Why does it smell like sex in here?" | 2,693 |
A Blonde and A lawyer. A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He searches on the airport wifi, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. | 2,694 |
Have you guys heard about the thieves stealing tires of healthcare workers cars? Healthcare workers have been working tirelessly to fight the virus.
Off** | 2,695 |
All shit aside, San Francisco is a nice city. | 2,696 |
Guy quits the rat race and moves to a remote cabin in the Alaskan wilderness. But after a year, he's getting lonely. So he takes his canoe out on the river to kill some time and sees another guy on the riverbank frantically waving at him. He paddles over and the guy invites him to a party he's planning for the following evening.
"You're invited!" the other guy says. "It'll be fun! Drinking and fighting, dancing and singing, kissing and hugging and fucking! "
Great!," the guy says. "What can I bring?"
"Oh, nothing, friend, I have everything."
"Are you sure you don't need more food or drink?"
"No thanks. We don't need much. It's just going to be you and me." | 2,697 |
Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19. Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14. | 2,698 |
I saw a dragonfruit Honestly, it doesn't look apeeling to me | 2,699 |
In democracy your vote counts. But in feudalism, your Count votes. | 2,700 |
An amputee sued me for no reason But i don't think he has the rights to do it. | 2,701 |
How many of the pennies in a roll of pennies have a Lincoln face? It's actually one per cent. | 2,702 |
Men are a lot like infants. If you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth. | 2,703 |
With TP as the seemingly new currency standard in the US... ...it really feels like we are just flushing money down the toilet. | 2,704 |
I went to the butchers today.... I bet him $500 he couldnt reach the beef off the top shelf.
He said the steaks were too high! | 2,705 |
What sound does a Chinese cat make? mao | 2,706 |
Bad news is that we are all gonna get stay at home orders But the good news is at least there won't be a school shooting for at least two weeks | 2,707 |
My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. | 2,708 |
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