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I sexually identify as Michael Jackson My pronouns are He/Hee
2,709
Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys? Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork.
2,710
A man walks into a guitar shop A man walk into a guitar shop and asks the owner “I’m having trouble learning what’s what, where’s the E string” the owner points to the thinnest string and says “dis-cord”
2,711
As a blind man, I've a hard time eating fish.. I can't seafood..
2,712
My dishwasher is feeling suicidal My dishwasher is feeling suicidal and keeps ingesting bleach. But I don’t want her to die because I’ve been married to her for 12 years.
2,713
My friend works at an Amazon warehouse. He has to watch out for alligators every day.
2,714
How does a Welshman ask for sex? Sheepishly.
2,715
I am the smartest person in my classroom, Because i always work in my room during quarantine.
2,716
What do you call a drive by commited by two gay men? A fruit roll up
2,717
Bill Gates was always prepared for COVID-19 I heard he has been fighting virus since 1995
2,718
If you divide 2020 by 5 you get 404 So this this year is just a error message from the matrix
2,719
What profession will gain the most business after Covid19 lockdown? Divorce Lawyers
2,720
Bagging groceries The cashier seemed appreciative that I bagged all my own groceries. . . Until I took it all out and said "And that's exactly how I want you to do it!"
2,721
Prince Charles is in isolation with Covid - 19 His brother Andrew is in isolation with Bethany - 14
2,722
Took a shower with a vampire yesterday It was a bloodbath
2,723
If I could describe myself in one word... It would be "bad at following directions".
2,724
What Animal Planet is to us, Is Uber Eats to Chinese People.
2,725
Uh oh. Prince Charles has coronavirus. Does that mean he might Di? (Too soon?)
2,726
Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.” His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.” Trump s...
2,727
I used to have a science teacher That used to throw dissected hearts at students and shout "Heart Attack!"
2,728
What did 5 say to 2? G’day mate (Australian accent)
2,729
What's the best way to a woman's heart With a scalpel
2,730
NEVER ALL AT ONCE A farmer had a three-legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. “Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”. “Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the ...
2,731
Social Distancing during COVID-19 Me n my wife decided to do something about following social distancing and keeping ourselves satisfied... We 69'd so that our mouths weren't within 2 feet distance...
2,732
Prince Charles is Isolating at Balmoral Prince's Charles is Isolating at Balmoral Castle with Covid-19 Prince Andrew is Isolating at Windsor with Jenny - 14
2,733
I went to a Honda dealership the other day And I bought a car. The salesman had finished his shift and asked me if I could give him a lift home in my new car. I said no. So he got their of his own accord
2,734
I think in a couple of months we're all going to sit back and just laugh at this so-called COVID crisis and say what was the big deal. Well, not all of us.
2,735
A man and his friend where hunting Then, a bear came out and mauled his friend and then ran away The man then called 911 The operator said “bitch u sure he dead?” The man said he doesn’t know The operator said “get your fat fuckin ass there and make sure hes dead or i will suck you.” Then the operator heard * clic...
2,736
Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say coronavirus?
2,737
Two unattractive women walk into a bar Two unattractive women walk into a bar and order drinks. While preparing the drinks, the bartender notes their accent and asks "Are you two ladies from England?" In a less than friendly tone one of them mutters "Wales" So the bartender apologizes and re-asks his question "...
2,738
A guy and a girl were on their 1st date. Girl: "So what do you do?" Guy: "I own a mining business." Girl: "What do you mine?" Guy: "I mine my own fucking business."
2,739
What’s the difference between social security and coronavirus? Millennials probably won’t get social security.
2,740
Decided to take a walk outside today. Still don't know why everyone was cheering for me, saying they could die for me. Still, feels nice to have such dedicated fans.
2,741
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow... Too soon
2,742
A true story. So my wife and I are driving back home. We live in Indiana, we spot a white windowless van in the road. ( Don't get ahead of me) On this van it had in company car writing. "Two men,wood workers" now that got my giggling,I said to my wife "obviously they work with wood, one gets nailed while the other ham...
2,743
Funniest joke of them all? I don’t know you tell me.
2,744
Sportsman I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and...
2,745
Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus? After all these years he's finally been coronated.
2,746
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said, "...
2,747
Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart... ... We are supposed to be shelf isolating!
2,748
Prince Charles has corona virus Don't worry, if they find a cure, he'll be the first one to hear about it.
2,749
What do you call a buck that shed its antlers? Transgendeer
2,750
Two English Explorers get lost in the jungle A previously unknown tribe finds them in their territory, kidnaps them, and ties them to the totem at the village centre. Tribe chief comes up to the first explorer and asks him “Knuuga, or death?” Explorer says “I don’t know what knuuga is but it surely has to be better ...
2,751
A note from my doctor Dear /u/vpee, During quarantine it is considered normal to talk to your plants, pots and walls. Contact me only if they start talking back to you! Your Doctor
2,752
What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
2,753
What do south americans do when they want to fly? They paraguayde.
2,754
A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night It's now appraised at $750,000.
2,755
There is no toilet paper So I’ve got to use newspaper... The Times are rough.
2,756
Paddy and Mick are walking down the street moaning about their lack of employment, when the see a sign saying “Tree fellers wanted”. Paddy turn to Mick and says sadly “what a shame there is just the two of us”
2,757
What did the theoretical physicist use to drink his beer? An ein-stein
2,758
A porn director walks on to a set Fuck
2,759
“John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?” “Right away, Sir.” “Here you go, Sir.” “Thank you!… Oh, John!” “Yes, Sir.” “Bring me another glass of water, will you?” “Of course, Sir.” “Here it is, Sir.” “Many thanks, John!” “John!” “Sir?” “I’m afraid I shall need another glass of water.” “Bu...
2,760
why didn’t the man pay for his girlfriends meal? kids eat free
2,761
Breaking News: Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19 Apparently he realised he had Covid-19 when his first symptoms starting showing... He couldn't smell the brake fluid on his hands anymore.
2,762
2 condoms walk past a gay bar.. One says to the other, 'wanna get shit faced?'
2,763
I wish my cake day was 11 days ago I prefer pie
2,764
I was stopped at a checkpoint and they asked for my ID. Little did they know about my ego and superego.
2,765
I'm a bit cross The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplie...
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I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
2,767
Did you know - Ducks have fowl mouths?
2,768
How did Prince Charles catch the rona? It's an heir-borne virus
2,769
Stomach Pains A man goes to the doctor with sever pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over and delivers the prognosis. "Sir. You are infected with a very large tapeworm. It's larger than I've ever seen and I fear traditional medicine will not help you get rid of it. I know how to get rid of it, but you'll have ...
2,770
Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19 The queen will have a receding heir line
2,771
When sacrificing people to stoke the economy, Trump was just being Australian Throw another Gramps on the barbie.
2,772
Looks like the economy is going to be depressed again Probably just looking for attention, wants you home all the time thinking about it, and will ultimately drag you down with it.
2,773
I once yelled: "Lock up Gates, choke Jobs" This is not what I meant. Also not happy about restricted Buffett and nonfunctional Musk.
2,774
Peanuts as present A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted. 15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens...
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A taxi driver in a rush is speeding through town. Suddenly, two gay men on their bicycles pull out in front of him. He's able go break hard and avoid one, but still hits the second one. Taxi driver: "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I'm in a big rush to get my next customer, please do not call the cops. I can't lose my licens...
2,776
I would totally switch teams and be gay... If I could find a man with penis the size of my girlfriend's pinky!
2,777
Therapist asks the patient, "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?" "Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead", they answered.
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"911 What Is Your Emergency?" "For God's sake! Run here in my home, that a cat entered and a tragedy will happen!" "A cat? Do you mean a thief?" "No, a cat that meows!" "But sir, a cat is harmless, unable to do any evil to anyone." "For God's sake, he will kill me if you don't come, please run that thing is serious...
2,779
All countries eventually got coronavirus But China got it right off the bat.
2,780
When beethoven passed away, When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest be...
2,781
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football Nobody expects the Spanish in position
2,782
Whats the Difference between coronavirus and me ? People pay attention to coronavirus
2,783
From now on don’t call them “young Muslims” They’re Koran-teens
2,784
My dad's a legend Like a real legend. People talk about him but I've never seen him myself.
2,785
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly? asked the doctor. The man said, “My g...
2,786
A Native American boy and his father are walking by a creek The boy looks to his father and asks, “Father, why does my sister have the name Beautiful River?” The father answers, “That’s because she was conceived next to the most beautiful river.” Unsatisfied with the answer, he asks, “So why is my brother named Gold...
2,787
Did you hear about the robot that reached absolute 0? He's 0K now!
2,788
I don't have a carbon footprint. I always drive everywhere.
2,789
I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer."
2,790
I watched a hipster version of Dora the Explorer where she teams up with Iron Man. It’s called FeDora.
2,791
My wife asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower. I said yes, but it was an accident. How can you accidentally piss in the shower? She asked. Well I said, it sometimes happens when I take a shit.
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When life gives you melons You’re dyslexic
2,793
IHOP restaurants closing It’s going to be really difficult for all these one legged waitresses to find new jobs.
2,794
Look at those teens removing their pimples. Well, they're part of pop culture now.
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Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom? Because Rick Astley is British.
2,796
Pilot's license What for?
2,797
I bumped into an old school friend today. ​ He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stun...
2,798
A breakfast to remember So I had gone to a Varkala, a beach cliff tourist spot in Kerala, during the vacation and the family was staying at this hotel, considering it was a long awaited vacation, we went for a nice one with a swimming pool, near the beach cliff and everything. So in the morning I had been learning s...
2,799
What's called when people start buying tons of stuff "just in case" during a crisis? Stock-at-home syndrome.
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A duck walks up to a corner store. She asks the lady at the counter for some chapstick. The lady asks “How do you expect to pay for that?” The duck says “Could you put it on my bill?” — A late commemoration to the 11^t^h Anniversary of the Duck Song.
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What's a tornado's favorite dance? The twist!
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Irish drinking A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No o...
2,803
Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus All part of the coronation process
2,804
Hey guys, I don't know how to cheer up my cannibal friend. He recently dumped his girlfriend.
2,805
Little Johnny Walked into his dad's bedroom [NSFW] one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?” His father quickly rep...
2,806
String A string walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks!” The bartender sniffed dismissively and replied, “We don’t serve strings here!” The string ran outside, thought for a minute, then mussed his hair up and tied himself in a knot. He marched right back in, plopped down at t...
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The "is there a point" joke Hi sofie, if you don't have feets is there a point wearing socks? Sofie: no If you don't have hands if there a point wearing gloves? Sofie: no Then why do you wear a bra?
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