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I sexually identify as Michael Jackson My pronouns are He/Hee | 2,709 |
Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys? Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork. | 2,710 |
A man walks into a guitar shop A man walk into a guitar shop and asks the owner “I’m having trouble learning what’s what, where’s the E string” the owner points to the thinnest string and says “dis-cord” | 2,711 |
As a blind man, I've a hard time eating fish.. I can't seafood.. | 2,712 |
My dishwasher is feeling suicidal My dishwasher is feeling suicidal and keeps ingesting bleach. But I don’t want her to die because I’ve been married to her for 12 years. | 2,713 |
My friend works at an Amazon warehouse. He has to watch out for alligators every day. | 2,714 |
How does a Welshman ask for sex? Sheepishly. | 2,715 |
I am the smartest person in my classroom, Because i always work in my room during quarantine. | 2,716 |
What do you call a drive by commited by two gay men? A fruit roll up | 2,717 |
Bill Gates was always prepared for COVID-19 I heard he has been fighting virus since 1995 | 2,718 |
If you divide 2020 by 5 you get 404 So this this year is just a error message from the matrix | 2,719 |
What profession will gain the most business after Covid19 lockdown? Divorce Lawyers | 2,720 |
Bagging groceries The cashier seemed appreciative that I bagged all my own groceries. . .
Until I took it all out and said "And that's exactly how I want you to do it!" | 2,721 |
Prince Charles is in isolation with Covid - 19 His brother Andrew is in isolation with Bethany - 14 | 2,722 |
Took a shower with a vampire yesterday It was a bloodbath | 2,723 |
If I could describe myself in one word... It would be "bad at following directions". | 2,724 |
What Animal Planet is to us, Is Uber Eats to Chinese People. | 2,725 |
Uh oh. Prince Charles has coronavirus. Does that mean he might Di? (Too soon?) | 2,726 |
Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.” His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”
Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”
“We send them at night.” | 2,727 |
I used to have a science teacher That used to throw dissected hearts at students and shout "Heart Attack!" | 2,728 |
What did 5 say to 2? G’day mate (Australian accent) | 2,729 |
What's the best way to a woman's heart With a scalpel | 2,730 |
NEVER ALL AT ONCE A farmer had a three-legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.
“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!” | 2,731 |
Social Distancing during COVID-19 Me n my wife decided to do something about following social distancing and keeping ourselves satisfied...
We 69'd so that our mouths weren't within 2 feet distance... | 2,732 |
Prince Charles is Isolating at Balmoral Prince's Charles is Isolating at Balmoral Castle with Covid-19
Prince Andrew is Isolating at Windsor with Jenny - 14 | 2,733 |
I went to a Honda dealership the other day And I bought a car.
The salesman had finished his shift and asked me if I could give him a lift home in my new car.
I said no.
So he got their of his own accord | 2,734 |
I think in a couple of months we're all going to sit back and just laugh at this so-called COVID crisis and say what was the big deal. Well, not all of us. | 2,735 |
A man and his friend where hunting Then, a bear came out and mauled his friend and then ran away
The man then called 911
The operator said “bitch u sure he dead?”
The man said he doesn’t know
The operator said “get your fat fuckin ass there and make sure hes dead or i will suck you.”
Then the operator heard * click* BAM BAM BAM
The man said that he knew the guy was dead | 2,736 |
Knock knock Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say coronavirus? | 2,737 |
Two unattractive women walk into a bar Two unattractive women walk into a bar and order drinks.
While preparing the drinks, the bartender notes their accent and asks
"Are you two ladies from England?"
In a less than friendly tone one of them mutters "Wales"
So the bartender apologizes and re-asks his question
"I'm sorry, are you two whales from England?" | 2,738 |
A guy and a girl were on their 1st date. Girl: "So what do you do?"
Guy: "I own a mining business."
Girl: "What do you mine?"
Guy: "I mine my own fucking business." | 2,739 |
What’s the difference between social security and coronavirus? Millennials probably won’t get social security. | 2,740 |
Decided to take a walk outside today. Still don't know why everyone was cheering for me, saying they could die for me.
Still, feels nice to have such dedicated fans. | 2,741 |
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow... Too soon | 2,742 |
A true story. So my wife and I are driving back home. We live in Indiana, we spot a white windowless van in the road. ( Don't get ahead of me)
On this van it had in company car writing.
"Two men,wood workers" now that got my giggling,I said to my wife "obviously they work with wood, one gets nailed while the other hammers away." "She smirked at least someone is getting polished off" I asked what that was about. She told me " well I haven't had any wood to play with since we got married." I told her I wasn't a carpenter,I I work as a demolition guy for a rock quarry. She retorted yeah you're not getting blown either. Lol | 2,743 |
Funniest joke of them all? I don’t know you tell me. | 2,744 |
Sportsman
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?' | 2,745 |
Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus? After all these years he's finally been coronated. | 2,746 |
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother." | 2,747 |
Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart... ... We are supposed to be shelf isolating! | 2,748 |
Prince Charles has corona virus Don't worry, if they find a cure, he'll be the first one to hear about it. | 2,749 |
What do you call a buck that shed its antlers? Transgendeer | 2,750 |
Two English Explorers get lost in the jungle A previously unknown tribe finds them in their territory, kidnaps them, and ties them to the totem at the village centre.
Tribe chief comes up to the first explorer and asks him “Knuuga, or death?”
Explorer says “I don’t know what knuuga is but it surely has to be better than death” and so picks the first option.
Chief goes on a platform and screams “Knuuga!”
A giant man with a 10 inch dick comes out of a tent and starts relentlessly fucking the first explorer for hours.
After they’re done, the chief goes up to the second explorer and gives the same two options.
Seeing what happened to his friend, the explorer says “I’d rather pick death than be fucked by that thing for hours, I pick death”.
Chief nods, and goes on the platform again. He says “Knuuga! Until death!” | 2,751 |
A note from my doctor Dear /u/vpee,
During quarantine it is considered normal to talk to your plants, pots and walls. Contact me only if they start talking back to you!
Your Doctor | 2,752 |
What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing. | 2,753 |
What do south americans do when they want to fly? They paraguayde. | 2,754 |
A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night It's now appraised at $750,000. | 2,755 |
There is no toilet paper So I’ve got to use newspaper...
The Times are rough. | 2,756 |
Paddy and Mick are walking down the street moaning about their lack of employment, when the see a sign saying “Tree fellers wanted”. Paddy turn to Mick and says sadly “what a shame there is just the two of us” | 2,757 |
What did the theoretical physicist use to drink his beer? An ein-stein | 2,758 |
A porn director walks on to a set Fuck | 2,759 |
“John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?”
“Right away, Sir.”
“Here you go, Sir.”
“Thank you!… Oh, John!”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Bring me another glass of water, will you?”
“Of course, Sir.”
“Here it is, Sir.”
“Many thanks, John!”
“John!”
“Sir?”
“I’m afraid I shall need another glass of water.”
“But, Sir, so much water might not be so good for you.”
“John, the water is not for me, can you not see the library is on fire?” | 2,760 |
why didn’t the man pay for his girlfriends meal? kids eat free | 2,761 |
Breaking News: Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19 Apparently he realised he had Covid-19 when his first symptoms starting showing... He couldn't smell the brake fluid on his hands anymore. | 2,762 |
2 condoms walk past a gay bar.. One says to the other, 'wanna get shit faced?' | 2,763 |
I wish my cake day was 11 days ago I prefer pie | 2,764 |
I was stopped at a checkpoint and they asked for my ID. Little did they know about my ego and superego. | 2,765 |
I'm a bit cross The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Russians have said “Its not us” | 2,766 |
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?” | 2,767 |
Did you know - Ducks have fowl mouths? | 2,768 |
How did Prince Charles catch the rona? It's an heir-borne virus | 2,769 |
Stomach Pains A man goes to the doctor with sever pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over and delivers the prognosis.
"Sir. You are infected with a very large tapeworm. It's larger than I've ever seen and I fear traditional medicine will not help you get rid of it. I know how to get rid of it, but you'll have to trust me because my method will sound a little unorthodox."
"Ok, Doc. What should we do?" says the man.
"Come back to my office tomorrow and bring with you a banana and a snickers bar."
The man looks confused but agrees. He returns the next day with the banana and a Snickers bar.
He is instructed to disrobe and bend over. The doctor then takes the banana, shoves it up the mans ass and waits 60 seconds. Then he takes the Snickers bar and shoves it up the man's ass and waits 60 seconds.
"Ok sir. Come back tomorrow at the same time with the same items."
The next day, the man returns and the doctor repeats the same procedure. This goes on for 5 more days until the man is about to break.
"Doctor! Please! How long must we do this for?"
The Doctor apologizes for the man's discomfort but reassures him that tomorrow will be his last appointment. He said to come back at the same time but this time to bring a banana, a Snickers bar and a hammer.
"A hammer?" says the man, shaking.
"Yes. Just trust me." say the Doctor.
The next day the man returns with the banana, the Snickers and the hammer. The doctor asks him again to disrobe and bend over and proceeds to shove the banana up the man's ass. He waits 60 seconds.....120 seconds......3 minutes......5 minutes.
"Well doctor? Are you going to use the snickers?"
"Just be patient." Says the doctor.
Just then, the worm pops his head out of the man's ass and says "Where the hell is my Snickers?" and the doctor grabs the hammer and SMASHES HIM! | 2,770 |
Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19 The queen will have a receding heir line | 2,771 |
When sacrificing people to stoke the economy, Trump was just being Australian Throw another Gramps on the barbie. | 2,772 |
Looks like the economy is going to be depressed again Probably just looking for attention, wants you home all the time thinking about it, and will ultimately drag you down with it. | 2,773 |
I once yelled: "Lock up Gates, choke Jobs" This is not what I meant. Also not happy about restricted Buffett and nonfunctional Musk. | 2,774 |
Peanuts as present A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.
15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?” She replied and said “We have no teeth so we aren't able to chew them.”
Confused, he asks, “If you can't chew them, why do you buy them?” She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!” | 2,775 |
A taxi driver in a rush is speeding through town. Suddenly, two gay men on their bicycles pull out in front of him. He's able go break hard and avoid one, but still hits the second one.
Taxi driver: "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I'm in a big rush to get my next customer, please do not call the cops. I can't lose my license over this! I would be willing to pay you 50 bucks."
The cyclist ignores his proposition and yells: "Peter! Peter, quick! Call the police. Please hurry, Peter!"
Panicking, the taxi driver increases his offer: "Alright, alright, alright! I'll give you 200 bucks. Just please do not involve the cops. I'm depending on this job!"
With no interest still, the cyclist yells again: "Did you call the police already, Peter? Please hurry, Peter. Call the cops!"
Calculating the most money he can spend at the moment, the taxi driver desperately makes his final offer: "Alright, listen pal. I'm willing to give you $1000 for this. It's all I can afford and I will probably not have enough for food this month. Please, I'm begging you!"
Even still, the cyclist stays stubborn and yells at his partner to call the police. Now the taxi driver is furious about the stubbornness and cusses: "You know what? Fuck both of you! You can suck my fucking dick!"
With wide open eyes, the cyclist looks at the taxi driver and shouts: "PETER! PETER!! Hang up immediately, he's trying to negotiate!" | 2,776 |
I would totally switch teams and be gay... If I could find a man with penis the size of my girlfriend's pinky! | 2,777 |
Therapist asks the patient, "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?" "Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead", they answered. | 2,778 |
"911 What Is Your Emergency?" "For God's sake! Run here in my home, that a cat entered and a tragedy will happen!"
"A cat? Do you mean a thief?"
"No, a cat that meows!"
"But sir, a cat is harmless, unable to do any evil to anyone."
"For God's sake, he will kill me if you don't come, please run that thing is serious."
"Listen, who's talking anyway?"
"The parrot!" | 2,779 |
All countries eventually got coronavirus But China got it right off the bat. | 2,780 |
When beethoven passed away, When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." | 2,781 |
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football Nobody expects the Spanish in position | 2,782 |
Whats the Difference between coronavirus and me ? People pay attention to coronavirus | 2,783 |
From now on don’t call them “young Muslims” They’re Koran-teens | 2,784 |
My dad's a legend Like a real legend. People talk about him but I've never seen him myself. | 2,785 |
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly? asked the doctor.
The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying,"Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
"On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up. | 2,786 |
A Native American boy and his father are walking by a creek The boy looks to his father and asks, “Father, why does my sister have the name Beautiful River?”
The father answers, “That’s because she was conceived next to the most beautiful river.”
Unsatisfied with the answer, he asks, “So why is my brother named Golden Sky?”
“Because he was conceived under a the most beautiful golden sunset,” the father explains.
“Then my sister, Plentiful Spring?” The boy asks.
His father explains, “She was conceived during the most bountiful season we had ever seen.”
The father, intrigued by his son’s curiosity, asks him, “Why are you so curious, Broken Rubber?” | 2,787 |
Did you hear about the robot that reached absolute 0? He's 0K now! | 2,788 |
I don't have a carbon footprint. I always drive everywhere. | 2,789 |
I just read that 6.7% of the world's population have a problem with alcohol. And I thought "6.7%...That would be a pretty strong beer." | 2,790 |
I watched a hipster version of Dora the Explorer where she teams up with Iron Man. It’s called FeDora. | 2,791 |
My wife asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower. I said yes, but it was an accident.
How can you accidentally piss in the shower? She asked.
Well I said, it sometimes happens when I take a shit. | 2,792 |
When life gives you melons You’re dyslexic | 2,793 |
IHOP restaurants closing It’s going to be really difficult for all these one legged waitresses to find new jobs. | 2,794 |
Look at those teens removing their pimples. Well, they're part of pop culture now. | 2,795 |
Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom? Because Rick Astley is British. | 2,796 |
Pilot's license What for? | 2,797 |
I bumped into an old school friend today.
​
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.” | 2,798 |
A breakfast to remember So I had gone to a Varkala, a beach cliff tourist spot in Kerala, during the vacation and the family was staying at this hotel, considering it was a long awaited vacation, we went for a nice one with a swimming pool, near the beach cliff and everything. So in the morning I had been learning surfing and was tired when I got back. However breakfast wasn't ready yet, so I decided to swim for a bit.
Obviously by the time I got out, I was hungry as hell. Therefore I walk up to the dining pavilion and as soon as I enter, this bottle of jam rolls up to my feet, POPS up and is like "I loooove your hair". The toasts crackles a bit and says she finds my calves quite attractive. I was lost, I was confused I thought I was having a stroke. The boiled eggs all roll up one after the other and start commenting how how wonderful I smell.
I ran to the manager, demanding to know what was happening. He very calmly explained...
The breakfast was complimentary | 2,799 |
What's called when people start buying tons of stuff "just in case" during a crisis? Stock-at-home syndrome. | 2,800 |
A duck walks up to a corner store. She asks the lady at the counter for some chapstick.
The lady asks “How do you expect to pay for that?”
The duck says “Could you put it on my bill?”
— A late commemoration to the 11^t^h Anniversary of the Duck Song. | 2,801 |
What's a tornado's favorite dance? The twist! | 2,802 |
Irish drinking
A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
Forty minutes later, the Irishman who had left returned and said, -"Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
-"Sure!"- said the American, -"20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
-"Grand!"- replied the Irishman, -"So pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
-"OK, Yank, pay up."- said the Irishman.
-"I'm happy to pay, here's your money."-
said the American. -"But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”
-"Well mate,"- replied the Irishman, -"$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do | 2,803 |
Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus All part of the coronation process | 2,804 |
Hey guys, I don't know how to cheer up my cannibal friend. He recently dumped his girlfriend. | 2,805 |
Little Johnny Walked into his dad's bedroom [NSFW] one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed”, to which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna do, fuck him?” | 2,806 |
String
A string walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks!”
The bartender sniffed dismissively and replied, “We don’t serve strings here!”
The string ran outside, thought for a minute, then mussed his hair up and tied himself in a knot. He marched right back in, plopped down at the bar and hollered to the bartender, “Bartender, bring me a whiskey!”
The bartender leaned over, peered at the string for moment and asked, “Aren’t you that string I threw out of here a minute ago?”
The string replied, “Nope, I’m afraid not!”
Reply | 2,807 |
The "is there a point" joke Hi sofie,
if you don't have feets is there a point wearing socks?
Sofie: no
If you don't have hands if there a point wearing gloves?
Sofie: no
Then why do you wear a bra? | 2,808 |
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