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France, Britain and New York
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest.
After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, your in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "bring me the gun" And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, “for the France!” And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “long live the queen!” And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS” | 2,809 |
A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
\-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
\-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
\-"Oh well", the man says and flies away. | 2,810 |
I think my wife is performing in a musical behind my back... I asked to see it but she just gave me song and dance | 2,811 |
Sir (club) Sandwich Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called 'a sir sandwich. Sir, yes, sir. Sir, I don't know, sir,' and the like. A few days later, a colonel approached me in the motor pool to ask what I was working on. Using the sir sandwich, I said: Sir, checking the oil, sir, in these jeeps, sir and, sir, checking the tires, sir. The colonel laughed and said, Private, I appreciate your respect but I don't need a sir club sandwich. | 2,812 |
A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh no ma’am, I’m not using profanity. Dam Ham is what we call the especially delicious filets we get from the big trout caught down by the dam.” The woman apologizes for the misunderstanding, buys the filet, and goes home.
Later that evening, her husband comes home from work and asks, “What is that Heavenly smell?” “Thats Dam Ham,” she replies. “Honey! What would the congregation think if they knew their pastor’s wife was speaking in such a way?” “Oh no honey, I would never!” She responds “They call it Dam Ham because it’s a special filet from one of the big trout caught down by the dam.” She finishes dinner and they sit down at the table with their two beautiful children. They join hands and say grace. The husband carves the meat, takes some for himself, then passes the plate to his son. After taking his first bite, the husband says, “Honey, you’ve really outdone yourself. This Dam Ham is delicious!
“Right on, Dad!” The son says “Now could you pass the fucking potatoes?” | 2,813 |
What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam? A crane. | 2,814 |
The quality of the jokes on this subreddit Makes me feel like my dad is there only one that posts here | 2,815 |
A lot of our dates are getting Covid-19 from being too close to people They’re always told that 5’10” is actually 6 foot | 2,816 |
I hope someone tries to mug me in the coming months. You know what they say... The best defense is a good coughense | 2,817 |
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this. The reason is a coo sticks. | 2,818 |
Why Doesn't Boris Johnson Just Wipe Out All Remainers? Because he's run out of toilet paper | 2,819 |
Two dyslexics in car... one turns to the other and says, do you smell gas? The other replies, don’t be silly... I can’t even smell my name! | 2,820 |
Asked my wife for a CONTACT-LESS sandwich... But she got touchy about it. | 2,821 |
They say God grants wishes ... but they omit the fact that we have go there to receive our wish. | 2,822 |
Why doesn’t Greece have an American football team ? They ran out of tight ends | 2,823 |
Of course I touch myself when I think about you It is called face palm | 2,824 |
I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine. Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.
(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.) | 2,825 |
My daughter won't tell me about her date with a Norse god... She's keeping it Loki. | 2,826 |
I can’t stand tautology! I hate it. | 2,827 |
Kids were late to class this morning Kids were late to class this morning. I have given them both a lunchtime detention and informed the parents. If this behavior continues they will be grounded for three weeks. | 2,828 |
What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? None of them they are all spelled correctly | 2,829 |
how does the band Areosmith get around? they take the Areoplane. | 2,830 |
A woman dies and goes up to heaven But as soon as she arrives she finds lots of people baking furiously outside the gates.
She walks up to St Peter and asks him why everyone is baking and no one is going inside.
“Did you not know? Cake gets you karma” | 2,831 |
Two angler fish are hanging out on Chirstmas One angler fish gives the other a present
\*he opens it\*
He says "A Booklight!? Seriously?!"
"There's no electricity underwater!" | 2,832 |
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken caesar salad........ | 2,833 |
A graduate student and thesis advisor walk into a bar. The advisor orders a full draft. They sit in awkward silence for a full year. | 2,834 |
What did the back-then USA president commented about the USSR during a press conference at the mere start of the Cold War? "If those reds wanna be commies, then **SO BE IT**"
​
My first actual english joke-pun, please don't be harsh xD | 2,835 |
Drink apple juice! Drink apple juice! Apple juice means vitamins. Vitamins mean good health. Good health means sport. Sport means fame. Fame means money. Money means lots of sex. Lot's of sex means HIV. HIV means death.
Don't drink apple juice | 2,836 |
What happens when you witness a shipwreck? You let it sink in. | 2,837 |
How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position? Flipper
Edit: it's 2am on day 5 of quarantine.. I'm not making apologies for it. | 2,838 |
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. | 2,839 |
What did the custodian say when they jumped out of the closet? Supplies! | 2,840 |
I can't get no Disinfection | 2,841 |
The Professional Boil Sucker A fellow has developed a nasty boil between his scrotum and anus, and eventually decides he has to see a doctor. The doctor has a look and is shocked by the sight; he says “You've left this too long for me to be able to help, you need to see a Professional Boil Sucker urgently.”
The doctor arranges an appointment with the leading PBS in the city, who agrees to suck the boil immediately. “Now this bench is fully adjustable..” the PBS explains “you can lay face down, with my chin resting on your scrotum, or you can lay on your back with my chin next to your anus..?”
The patient chooses face down, but being a bit nervous, he inadvertently pops out a tiny fart just as the PBS starts the procedure.
The Professional Boil Sucker reels backwards across the room gagging, equipment crashing to the floor.. “For fucks sake!" he screams "..are trying to make me *sick* or something!?” | 2,842 |
There are three types of people with red cheeks... 1. The people with COVID-19;
2. The people who shut-in at their rooms with air conditioning all day;
3. And the abused people, but we don’t talk about which cheeks... | 2,843 |
A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.” A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”
The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!”
“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.” | 2,844 |
What do you call a person that sexually assaults plants? A chlorophile | 2,845 |
What's the difference between criticism and constructive criticism? One pisses you off and the other helps to piss you off | 2,846 |
Two gay men are in the shower together When the phone rings. The first one says “I’ll get it, but don’t cum until I get back”
When he gets back, there’s semen all over the shower curtain. He says “I thought I told you not to cum until I got back.”
The second guy says “I didn’t. I farted.” | 2,847 |
What is an immigrant’s favourite sport? Cross-country. | 2,848 |
Alien 1:- "How did all the earthlings die?" Alien 2:- "They used so much toilet paper that they wiped themselves off." | 2,849 |
My friend said I'm starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman. What a joker! | 2,850 |
f you boil a funny bone It becomes a laughing stock.
Now that's humerus! | 2,851 |
What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift? Gloves. Just Joking.
He still hasn't opened the gift. | 2,852 |
A mathematician and a physicist are asked to answer a math question: A mathematician and a physicist are asked to answer a math question:
Joe has 4000 burgers then he eats 4 burgers, how many burgers does Joe have left?
The matematician says: "well 4000-4=3996, so Joe has 3996 burgers left."
The physicist says: "well 4 is pretty small compared to 4000, so Joe has 4000 burgers." | 2,853 |
What does a horny guillotine want Head | 2,854 |
I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort. | 2,855 |
Lizzard So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.
Lizard Birth
If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them
to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent,absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . .."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs! | 2,856 |
how do you make a creative Star Wars joke? you have to think outside of the jarjar | 2,857 |
The father, the son, and the holy Spirit walk into a bar. He orders a beer. The son says to the father, let me drink it thru your mouth but don't tell Mary I'm drinking in here I haven't been born yet. | 2,858 |
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too!
Edit: hint, hint | 2,859 |
What's gray and smells like red paint? Green paint. | 2,860 |
I am a professional slap bass guitarist. I slap it hard. The B is silent. | 2,861 |
Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk. Sorry for ignoring you in the past. | 2,862 |
Girlfriend’s grandpa handed me a cherry tomato at Christmas and told me this was the only cherry I was going to get. I handed him back the cauliflower and said,”you can keep it.” | 2,863 |
Fun in the grocery store My idea of fun these days is bringing my last package of TP into a busy grocery store and telling everyone that asks about it "Hurry, there was one package left!" | 2,864 |
One day a man goes to the doctor to get his stomach checked The man says "Hey doc, my stomach really hurts."
The doctor gives him a check up and they find out there's a worm in the man's intestine.
The doctor says "Alright all you need to do is to put this biscuit near your ass and maybe you can lure the worm out."
The man without question, heads home and holds a biscuit near his ass hole.
The next day the man comes into the doctors office and says "Doc that didn't work!"
The doctor says he should try it again and maybe the worm will come out.
The man frustrated as he is, heads home and does it again.
The next day the man sees the doctor and says "DOC IT STILL DIDN'T WORK!"
The doctor replies "Maybe the worm wants something else."
The doctor then pulls out an apple and hands it to the man and says "Alright try it with that."
The man heads home and holds the apple up to his ass and suddenly he feels something coming out of his ass hole.
The man screams "What the hell is that?"
Then the worm says "No more biscuits?"
Edit:Forgot to say this is the OP | 2,865 |
God finds a genie lamp. He wishes people would stop wishing to him. Genie says that's a hard one I'm gonna have to pray for some help. | 2,866 |
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because it had no guts. :) | 2,867 |
It's really concerning how the internet has made coughing on a person's face a fetish. It's going viral. | 2,868 |
The pope just got arrested. Don't worry it was a minor accident. | 2,869 |
One day a Russian, A Chinese and a Filipino are on a boat. The Russian takes out a gun and throws it off the boat.
The Chinese asks "Why did you throw that?"
The Russian replies "Don't worry we have many of those in motherland."
The Chinese then proceeds to throw a cellphone overboard.
The Russian asks "Why did you throw that?"
The Chinese replies "It's fine, we have a lot of those in China."
The Filipino then picks up the Chinese and throws him overboard.
The Russian screams "Why the hell did you do that?!"
The Filipino says "It's OK we have a lot of those in the Philippines."
Edit: This is the OP | 2,870 |
Dracula walks into a bar and orders a pint of blood, the barman says, "be careful there Drac I've got a limited amount."
"It's ok when you give me the last pint put the kettle on."
The barman is perplexed by this statement and dwells on it all night, eventually the last pint is served and the kettle goes on. "Fill a pint glass with boiling water for me."
"But you're a vampire" the barman says, "Don't you only drink blood?"
Dracula reaches into his cape and pulls out a used tampon, "it's ok, I've brought a tea bag." | 2,871 |
What did the lonely ball of dough say? Noone kneads me :( | 2,872 |
I want to return this unbreakable truck I bought for my kid last week. “It didn’t break, did it?”
“No, but he broke everything else with it.” | 2,873 |
A good book is a lot like a cute puppy. Easy to pick up, hard to put down. | 2,874 |
Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19. Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe. | 2,875 |
What do you call an Asian getting magnum condoms? The delivery boy | 2,876 |
Lawyer’s wife is refusing to cook... ...After experimenting with various dishes for four days during the lockdown, the wife was not interested in cooking anything and wanted the husband to cook.
The wife asked the husband why are only wives expected to cook food for their husbands during the lockdown.
The lawyer husband said “According to Geneva Convention all prisoners must be provided with Food" | 2,877 |
The answer is going to a grocery store during a pandemic That's what I'd do for a Klondike bar | 2,878 |
C-19 In this perilous time, we need to stay vigilant in order to avoid infection
It’s most important that people don’t cough near you, they MUST be FAR
If someone happens to cough near you, politely tell them to
FAR COUGH | 2,879 |
My son wouldn't accept my bonsai tree gift, saying that it wasn't gender-neutral enough. Sadly, the incident gave me a small heart attack. I'm fine, but I'll eventually need a trans plant. | 2,880 |
Three men go deer hunting. They've been out there for hours before one of the men finally sees a buck.
He shoots the buck and they're tracking its blood when one of the other guys says "we need to hurry i need to shit."
They proceed to take the dead buck back to camp and start gutting the deer. That's when the other guy said "fuck it, im just going to shit behind that tree. I cant hold it any more"
The two guys are sitting there cleaning the buck still and one of them say. "Hey lets put these guts under him so it looks like he shit his guts out" .
So they snuck over and put the guts under him while he's shitting without him noticing them and went back to wait for him.
About 30 - 45 mins later guy comes back saying "Y'all wont believe this, i think i shit my guts out! But with the grace of god and a big stick i got them back in there".
Sorry for the grammar im an illiterate hick on a phone. | 2,881 |
I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago. I think I put more thyme in it than I should. | 2,882 |
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and have been living together for a year and are now she tells you she’s pregnant, so now you work extra hours and spent long nights planning on how you are going to give the support to the loves of your life and after many brutal months the baby comes out and you are in complete happiness for 15 seconds before you realize something is off, and that something is the baby, you then realize that it’s not yours and you pass out on the floor, everything goes black, everyone is in shock, you wake next to your “wife” and *your* “child” that you just spent so much time and money on, and she tries to explain it was an accident, it was a one time thing, but now you know, that she wasn’t happy all along, so you let her and the child go... you let them move away, but no, they don’t take any of the things you bought for the baby, anything you worked so hard for, for them, they leave you alone with nothing to live for. But what is left is an apple, an apple that when you take a bite, you find half a worm. | 2,883 |
1,732,582,439 and 1,732,582,440 got into a fight 1,732,582,441 | 2,884 |
The first contact between space aliens and humans A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"
"We don't have enough money."
"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"
"We don't have enough money."
"Why are so many people ill despite that there are cures?"
"We don't have enough money."
"You know, maybe if scarcity of this mysterious resource that you call "money" is so big problem for you, then maybe our civilization could somehow help you to get more of it?"
"There is no need, we can print as much money as we want!"
"Okay, thanks for the conversation." Then the alien returns to its spaceship and reports to its boss that there is no sight of intelligent life on Earth. | 2,885 |
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale,
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This one was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her chest.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um. equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long.
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted. | 2,886 |
Pretty soon we are going to grow fond of being trapped in our own homes, worrying about having enough supplies.... We are going to develop stock home syndrome. | 2,887 |
A man walks into a bar... The bartender looks over at him and notices he’s looking pretty down. Curious, he walks over and nudges him.
“Hey man, what’s wrong? You look upset.”
The man doesn’t answer at first, but after enough prodding, he finally sighs and looks up.
“You know, I’ve built hundreds of bridges, but do they call me the Bridge Builder? No! I’ve negotiated dozens of peace deals, but do they call me the Diplomat? No! I’ve taught thousands of students, but does anyone call me the Teacher? Hell no!”
The man gets steadily more agitated as he speaks until he finally downs the rest of his beer and stares the bartender in the eyes.
“But you fuck ONE goat and suddenly you’re a Goat Fucker all your life.”
EDIT: turns out this isn’t an original joke my uncle made. For the original (and better) one look up Bob the Goat Fucker. | 2,888 |
On a train:
“Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it’s very annoying!”
“I’m so sorry “, “Harry! Stop acting stupid!” | 2,889 |
They say that loss of taste is an early sign of the virus. I'm not worried at this point in that I still have a bitter taste in my mouth from the last several years of watching Michigan football. | 2,890 |
I know the Corona virus isn’t my dad Because it’s still here | 2,891 |
An old pub had a dog called Rover An old pub had a dog called Rover, who all the patrons loved. Unfortunately, one day Rover passed away. To honour the passing of their beloved dog, they cut off his tail and pinned it above the fireplace.
With this, Rover went up to doggy heaven where he was met at the pearly white gates by Saint Peter. As Rover approached the gates, Saint Peter says to him "I'm sorry Rover, I can't let you into doggy heaven unless you are complete. I must send you back down to earth to fetch your tail." Saint Peter then raised his arms and sent Rover back down to earth as a ghost.
By the time Rover reaches the old pub back on earth, it's about 2 am and the pub is shut. Eager to get into heaven, Rover starts barking outside. The landlord wakes up, opens his window, and looks outside at the ghostly dog and asks "Rover? Is that you boy?", "Yes, it is" replied Rover " I've come to get my tail as I am not allowed into heaven without it!" The landlord looks Rover in the eyes and says "I'm sorry boy, but you know the rules... We don't serve spirits after 12" | 2,892 |
What do you call a million dollar idea? An id*EA* | 2,893 |
What tea do pessimists drink? Empty.
​
​
*Thanks to my 15 year-old ESL student for the idea behind this one.* | 2,894 |
I heard DJ Khaled’s starting a gospel, like Kanye It’s called He the Best Music | 2,895 |
Another day at the underwear store... A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.
"Only two pairs of underwear?"
"Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash."
The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order.
A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please."
"Only 5 eh?"
"Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend."
The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!"
A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please."
"Finally, a man who knows hygiene!"
"Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday."
At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please."
"Wow! You must be really clean!"
The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..." | 2,896 |
Knock knock! Who's there?
Jasleen
Jasleen who?
Jasleen over and look through the peephole. | 2,897 |
What’s a confused person’s favorite drink? What-er! | 2,898 |
What starts with a 'c', ends with an 's', emerged in 2019 and makes you sick if you are exposed to it? Cats | 2,899 |
I put a t-shirt over my face and tried to make people laugh It was a Cotton Eyed Joke | 2,900 |
I started working at a restaurant on April 1st In the spirit of April fools I thought I'd prank the head chef. He asked for my help on a recipe that called for 6 whole eggs and I thought it'd be funny to give him only egg whites instead. He was furious and fired me on the spot. I guess he didn't get the yolk after all. | 2,901 |
Breaking: Nations set to ramp up their cremation capacities worldwide. Germany offers help. | 2,902 |
Instead of the freshman 15, I think we've all gained the... COVID-19. | 2,903 |
What is the name for coronavirus in the cow community? They call it mad human disease. Apparently there is a lot of beef within the cow community. | 2,904 |
My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86 | 2,905 |
God must have gotten stuck in New Orleans during Mardi Gras Because he's Laissez-faireing the fuck out of everything right now | 2,906 |
Three men walk into a grocery store The fist one grabs some chips and pop
The clerk tells him “the express line is over there” so he checks out his items.
The second man buys some beer for a night with his friends so the clerk points to a lane and says “the alcohol line is over there”
Then the third man buys some fruit punch for his child’s party, the clerk shakes his head and sighs “sorry no punchline” | 2,907 |
No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)... ...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow. | 2,908 |
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