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What did Polyphemus the cyclops say when his wife asked him how she looked? "Sorry, no idea." | 2,909 |
I asked my proctologist where he gets all of his proctology supplies. He said he has a butt plug. | 2,910 |
The US 2020 census might want to wait a few months.... Something tells me those numbers are going to be dropping soon.... | 2,911 |
An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas "Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched by the message they put together $50 and send it back to the boy for Christmas. When the boy received the letter he was ecstatic, opens it in a rush and pulls out the $50. he was happy but also saddened... picks up the pen and immediately works on a reply.
"Dear Santa, thank you so much for the present! It made me very happy. however I think the assholes at the post office may have opened the envelope and stolen a $50 bill!. | 2,912 |
What’s the difference between a woman and Viagra? You have to smack a woman before she starts working on a dick. | 2,913 |
What do you call a mouse that swears? A cursor | 2,914 |
You should never hold in a fart... It travels up your spine and into the brain, and this is where crappy ideas come from. | 2,915 |
How did the gherkin cross the road? PICKLE RICK | 2,916 |
Hollow knight vs Delta ruin One is a long,with stunning visuals and helpful little thing that advance the experience and long enough to satisfy
The other is just a taste of something good that you will probobly never get all of leaving you sad and begging for more
So like a relationship and a one night stand | 2,917 |
A guy walks into a bar o u c h | 2,918 |
I told my Italian housemate that "I'm not a materialist", he asked "is that a pronoun?", I replied "no, it's more anti noun" | 2,919 |
How do you measure a snake? In inches since they dont have any feet | 2,920 |
If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first. Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe. | 2,921 |
You can’t get Covid from ghosts but what virus should you be afraid of getting from them? Hanta Virus | 2,922 |
My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?
"Let's be friends", because we're both bad things. | 2,923 |
During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry. The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package* | 2,924 |
What do you call an upside-down cake made in Australia A right-side up cake | 2,925 |
Knock, knock... Knock, knock....
Who’s there?
Eye...
Eye who?
Eye can’t wait to see you! | 2,926 |
My Buddy Told Me I Can't Keep Running From My Problems Well, I'm not obese anymore! | 2,927 |
Bidets got Charmin's back, but who is helping Kleenex? What do you call a handkerchief without the fabric?
(a hand) | 2,928 |
For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task They're having to work around the clock to make it happen. | 2,929 |
Trump knows a lot about bankruptcy China’s going to find out the joke’s on them | 2,930 |
The Coronavirus infects you very quickly The first person who had it was infected right off the bat. | 2,931 |
Helicopter backwards is retpocileH Helicopter upside down is how Kobe died | 2,933 |
What starts with Co-, ends with -s, and has been a real scourge to the USA lately? Congress. | 2,934 |
A friend asked me how many types of noodles there are I said the pastabilities are endless | 2,935 |
What do you call someone who watches you take a test while wearing a vest? Proctor Seuss | 2,936 |
Student: Sensei, my girlfriend is pregnant, but I used protection... Student: Sensei, my girlfriend is pregnant, but I used protection...
Sensei: My son, I will tell you a story:
There once lived a hunter. One day, he planned a trip in a jungle, but forgot his gun.
Suddenly a tiger shown up. He could defend only with an umbrella, so he aimed at the tiger with it, and suddenly a bang came up, which killed the tiger.
Student: Thats bullshit, someone else had to shoot the tiger.
Sensei: Bingo! | 2,937 |
A woman asks her husband where he’s taking them for their 20th anniversary “To Japan,” replies her husband.
“Oh my! That’s wonderful!” said the woman with extreme joy. She then asked, “and where will you take us for our 30th anniversary?”
“I’ll go pick you up.” | 2,938 |
Here is a quick guide to social distancing. If you can smell my fart, we are not far enough apart. | 2,939 |
Field Trip A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not t o show that she was staring the teacher said,
'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.' | 2,940 |
Frank A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.You're just like Frank.
'Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.
'Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
'Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fricking wife." | 2,941 |
I told my Dad there are over 900 cases of corona in poland now. I hope they've got some limes! | 2,942 |
8 days into quarantine and it feels like I’m in Vegas. I’m loosing money by the hour, no one knows what time it is and cocktails are acceptable and encouraged at any hour! | 2,943 |
Did you hear about the accountant who walk in the room? It was the equivalent two really interesting people leaving. | 2,944 |
What's a tooth fairy's side hustle? Prostitooth | 2,945 |
What do you call someone who makes a movie during the COVID-19 pandemic Quentin Quarantino | 2,946 |
You know who the real victims of this virus are? Ex cons, just made it out of prison to be put in solitary confinement. | 2,947 |
They named a new scent after the coronavirus It's called Leave Me The Far Cologne | 2,948 |
What do Jared Fogel, Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common? Their favorite piece of classical music is Chopin’s Waltz in A minor. | 2,949 |
A hot pad that sounds like a game show host. What is Alex Trivet? | 2,950 |
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up. | 2,951 |
What do you call a family business of priest moonshiners? The father, the son and the holy spirits | 2,952 |
What happens when a horse nickers for too long? The horse pants! | 2,953 |
What do you call a German saddle? Leaderhorsen | 2,954 |
I’m in hospital at the moment Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was | 2,955 |
Talk about bad timing, we were just about to go on tour with our highly trained, carefully selected ensemble of singing Ravens. I think the 'Corvid 19' will have to wait a bit. | 2,956 |
Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure. **Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.
**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me. | 2,957 |
How do I feel about quarantine I ate 11 times, slept 5 times and it is still today. | 2,958 |
Deep in the Jungle Deep in the Jungle, a Monkey and Lizard are sitting in a tree smoking weed with some other animal friends getting stoned. After about an hour, all the animals are blitzed, laughing their asses off, and the Lizard falls from the tree. Unharmed, the lizard tells its friends above that it’s gonna grab a drink from the river. The Lizard goes, and as it approaches the water, starts drinking, only to be looking face to face with a crocodile. The Croc, a straight edge, yells at the Lizard “What the hell are you doing with your life, wasting it away! Look how high you are, laughing, stoned off your ass! Get your shit together!” The Lizard, looks at the Croc; eyes bloodshot, it’s dazed and confused answers the Croc “Buddy, you think I’m zonked? Go look at the monkey in the tree!” And continues drinking. The Croc heads up to the tree and climbs, gets to the top and the Monkey starts exploding from laughter. Laughs so hard, he falls right off the tree! The Croc goes down and sees the monkey still laughing on the floor, stoned as shit. The monkey looks at the Croc and goes “Lizard how much fucking water did you drink??” | 2,959 |
How do they execute you in the north East? They Connecticut your head off. | 2,960 |
I was confused, when a football kept getting bigger and bigger.... And that's when it hit me. | 2,961 |
Trump’s arm is very strong... ...because he pats himself on the back so often. | 2,962 |
A man walks into a bar... "Hi! Please may I have some helicopter flavoured chips!"
"Sorry, we've only got plane." | 2,963 |
One of the best come back replies I have ever heard. An attractive young woman was enjoying a cocktail at a table in an outside NY City Bar. She was approached by a local. I was sitting at the next table and overheard this conversation.
He starts a conversation by asking, "Where you from?"
She answers, "Texas."
He says, "Texas, there are a lot of "Red Necks" in Texas."
She very quickly replies, "Yes, but not nearly as many "Ass Holes" as there are in NY City."
I spit my drink laughing and he quickly exited.
I did compliment her on the quick wit. | 2,964 |
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen ? Snowballs | 2,965 |
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said "Sex! Sex ! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said "Wow!"
Then her friend said "She means 666-3629" | 2,966 |
9 out of 10 people agree that 1 out of 10 people will disagree with the other 9 | 2,967 |
April's fool What do you jokers think the April's fool joke would be in these uncertain times? | 2,968 |
Which piece of clothing is the most philosophical? Sockrates? | 2,969 |
Ok. Years ago, I used to have a third nipple. ...I’m so glad I got that off my chest. | 2,970 |
How did the Medical student bake some bread? They eyeballed the ingredients. | 2,971 |
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea. | 2,972 |
My wife recently started sewing what she calls "quarantine skirts". They look best when lifted. | 2,973 |
Who has turned out to be a good joke so far? Year 2020 | 2,974 |
Why did the baker rob the bank? He kneaded the dough!!! | 2,975 |
What did the cat say when he went back in time and ran into his former self? You have got to be kitten me. | 2,976 |
What do you call an Irish seven course meal? Six pack and a potato | 2,977 |
A European tells an American a joke European: Wanna hear a joke?
American: Sure.
European: Free Healthcare
American: I don't get it
European: I know. | 2,978 |
What do you call a Timebomb on someones foot? Tic-tac-toe | 2,979 |
Dairy joke A man attacked me with milk and cheese. How dairy | 2,980 |
Do you know what that white spot is in the middle of bird poop? More bird poop. | 2,981 |
Did you know that drinking the fluids inside of lava lamps gives you strange powers? Seriously! I tried it, and I teleported to a hospital! | 2,982 |
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking. | 2,983 |
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!" | 2,984 |
What do you call an entrance fee to a gay nightclub? A manhole cover | 2,985 |
Someone needs to cut that poor boy some slacks. He's running around naked outside. | 2,986 |
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet ? The looked at the reviews.....only 1 star | 2,987 |
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow. | 2,988 |
Me: Social distancing for 2 weeks to a month would kill me!!! Jesus: Hold my wine. I think I can nail this. | 2,989 |
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage. | 2,990 |
My Dad Must be a Magician Hes Disappeared and Still hasnt Reappeared | 2,991 |
what's a skeleton without its human? It's just a skeleton. | 2,992 |
In America, the president's guards aren't allowed to say "get down, mr president" They now need to say " Donald duck" | 2,993 |
Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases! It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home. | 2,994 |
I like cooking with my kids. But sometimes I have to resort to chicken. | 2,995 |
Louis is shipwrecked and stranded on a desert island. It takes several years for a rescue team to find him. While on the island, they asked him to show them how he's been living during that time. Louis is happy to oblige.
"There's the cabin I built for myself," Louis points. "And here's a little barn I built too. And that over there is the church I go to."
A member of the rescue team points to dilapidated hut, "What is that building?"
"That," Louis scoffed, "That's the church I used to go to." | 2,996 |
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse | 2,997 |
Congressional leadership has described the stimulus package as now being "on the 5 yard line." And it will stay there to practice responsible social distancing. | 2,998 |
When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door." | 2,999 |
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that. | 3,000 |
I met my wife in Spain at a castanets class... We just clicked | 3,001 |
Maybe if I express my feelings to the virus it will leave.. Welp. | 3,002 |
I saw a spider today Instead of throwing him outside, I started to talk to him.
"What do you do for a job" I asked
"I'm a Web designer " he responded. | 3,003 |
Why was Mickey Mouse so upset that Goofy's name was written in the snow? It was done in Minnie's handwriting. | 3,004 |
I love how music can take you to another place... For example Meghan Trainor is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe. | 3,005 |
Mom and son are driving to school Mom and son are driving and suddenly they get stuck next to a gay rights protest.
Suddenly a huge dildo is thrown on the windshield and it gets stuck on it.
Son: "Mom what is that?"
Mom: (trying to perserve son's innocece)
"Sweetie that is just a really big bug!"
Son: "Well how does that bug fly with a big cock like that?" | 3,006 |
What is the prison that saying it's name causes you to get banned? Azkaban. | 3,007 |
Quarantine Tip #2: I know you're bored, but diarrhea is an early symptom of Coronavirus infection.
So try to loaf as much as you can.
That's a real solid tip. | 3,008 |
Why can't Jackie Chan fight the Coronavirus? He only knows kung-flu. | 3,009 |
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