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Casualties? I don't know, they seem pretty serious. | 4,614 |
Shawn: *yawns* I'm tired Shaun: *yauns* me too
Sean: *yeans* yeah same | 4,615 |
Teacher asks the class if they can make a sentence with the word contagious in it. Little Billy puts his hand up, my dad seen our neighbour painting his fence with a small brush and said that will take that contagious. | 4,616 |
Once upon a time there was a Cheerio. (long)
This Cheerio dreamed of going to Perfect Cheerio Land, where only the best Cheerios lived. In Perfect Cheerio Land, there was everything a little Cheerio’s heart desired.
One day, when Cheerio woke up, an angel cheerio was at the foot of his bed. The angel said, “I am here to take you to Perfect Cheerio Land, but only for one day.” Cheerio was ecstatic. Finally he would see Perfect Cheerio Land!
Cheerio wanted to have a day packed with fun. First, Cheerio and the angel went to a restaurant. When they arrived, there was a very very very very very long line. So they waited and waited and waited and waited and finally got to the front.
After they ate their food, Cheerio wanted to go to an amusement park. When Cheerio and the angel arrived, Cheerio said that he wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel. Unfortunately, there was another very very very very very long line. So they waited and waited and waited and waited and finally got to the front.
After they rode on the Ferris Wheel, Cheerio wanted to go to an arcade. When they arrived, Cheerio said he wanted to play Pac-Man. But Pac-Man was the most popular game on the arcade, so there was a very very very very very long line. So they waited and waited and waited and waited and finally got to the front.
After Cheerio played Pac-Man, he was very thirsty. He looked around for something to drink, but couldn’t find any drink anywhere. After hours of searching, he stumbled upon a manager and asked him, “Sir, where is the punch line?”
The manager looked up and said, “There is no punch line.” | 4,617 |
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. | 4,618 |
Why does KFC not have toilet paper? It's finger licking good | 4,619 |
Ever heard of Corona? Yep, it has gone viral! | 4,620 |
A man and a prostitute are sharing a meal He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes. | 4,621 |
What do most people do instinctively when a gun is pointed at them? lol
edit: that's a person raising his arms. | 4,622 |
I Miss Playing Golf Thanks to COVID19 causing the golf courses to close, I have resorted to watching porn so I can yell: "Get in the hole!!" | 4,623 |
I used to meditate myself to ejaculation, but have since stopped. That was a load off my mind. | 4,624 |
I feel sorry for people who's middle name initial is V... Their first and last names are always fighting. | 4,625 |
A man and his son were driving along the highway. The son asks, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The man replies, "Well son, see those two cars coming towards us? An alcoholic would see four."
The son responds, "But Dad, I only see one car." | 4,626 |
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap. "Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!" | 4,627 |
The good thing about coronavirus? It is made in China, so it is stable for 2 months tops. | 4,628 |
A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:
"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."
The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:
"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerland, there's no shame in being poor." | 4,629 |
I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus outbreak Upon getting to the store i was told that pants and a shirt was also required | 4,630 |
The spices in my cabinet where so old that I had to throw them out. What a waste of thyme. | 4,631 |
This just in, from The University of Dad Comedy... All Dads are to now begin using Inside Jokes. | 4,632 |
A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!
One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron." | 4,633 |
Stay positive! Together, we can all stay home and beat off the coronavirus pandemic! | 4,634 |
I just found out Phineas and Ferb predicted something! We’re going to have a much longer than normal summer vacation | 4,635 |
Two kids Two kids meet on the street.
The first one says (cause he wants to boast):
“We are 4 kids at home and each of us has its own room!”
The other kid says:” That’s nothing! We are 5 kids at home and each of us has its own Dad!” | 4,636 |
Trump tested negative for COVID-19, tomorrow's Headlines will go: DONALD DUCKS COVID | 4,637 |
What did the Martian tell the Venusian? You've got to watch the new season of Planet Earth!!
It's an edge of your seat thriller... So many close shaves, you'll never guess how it ends! | 4,638 |
Man asks for an unusual wish A man meets a genie and the genie say I'll grant you one wish. The man says i wish I could be u.
The genie replies. Weurd wush, bit ull grant ut. | 4,639 |
coronavirus gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "kill them with kindness" no offense intended | 4,640 |
You've got this once in a lifetime opportunity to stay at home and lay infront of tv to save the world. Don't screw this up. | 4,641 |
We are family by Sister Sledge... Is the number one played song in Alabama strip clubs | 4,642 |
If Coronavirus doesn’t kill me... All the ramen I’m eating in quarantine will | 4,643 |
Three men on their lunch break *LONG* Three men were working together on the 40th floor construction of the Empire State Building.
An American, an Italian, and a Canadian.
A loud horn is heard signifying lunch, and all three men sat together, on the edge, their feet dangling a hundreds of feet in the air.
The American opens his lunch pail and exclaims loudly, "Hell! Hamburger and french fries again for lunch?? Everyday my wife makes me this. I swear if this happens again tomorrow, I will jump off of here and kill myself!"
The Italian opens his lunch pail "Momma mia! Spaghetti and-a meat-a-balls! Again?! My friend if my wife packs this again I will jump to my death with you!"
The Canadian opens his lunch pail and smirks in disgust. "Aye bai's, if I have to eat a bolgna sandwich again I will jump too. No doobt aboot it!"
The next day, a loud horn is heard on The Empire State Building construction site. The three men sit down on the same spot, legs dangling over the edge.
The American opens his lunch pail, exclaims loudly "FUCK!", and without another word jumps and plummets to his death.
The Italian, looking nervous, peeks inside his lunchpail and lets out a long sigh. Then slides off the edge and plummets 40 floors.
The Canadian opens his lunch pail. Pulls out a bologna sandwich and enjoys his lunch. Stands up, stretches, looks over the city, then jumps to his death.
A week later a funeral is held for the three men. The American wife is bawling her eyes out swearing she will cry whenever she sees a hamburger. The Italian wife is in hysterics swearing to never eat pasta again. The Canadians wife is smoking a cigarette drinking a beer. The other wives ask why she is not mourning her husband.
"Fuck him, he packed his own lunch". | 4,644 |
Movie pitch for a documentary Movie pitch: a virus is spreading rapidly around the world, people are panic buying toilet paper and the fate of humanity relies on collage kids not partying.
WORKING TITLE: PARTY POOPER | 4,645 |
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus 19 and easy to spread | 4,646 |
Might have to join a gang to survive this I didn't realize staying at home in self isolation with my kids was going to be this tough. | 4,647 |
A little girl crying goes to see her dad - Daddy ! Everyone one at school is making fun of me because of my big mouth !
Her dad: Don’t worry, it’s nothing ! Now take your shovel and eat your soup ! | 4,648 |
What do you call a pig without balls? A principal | 4,649 |
I found my inner self during this self quarantine I blame cheap toilet paper... | 4,650 |
The longer the Coronavirus keeps me from my job... ...the less chances I'll have to join the 1%. | 4,651 |
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself "Well, this changes everything" | 4,652 |
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task? A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic. | 4,653 |
Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19. I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year. | 4,654 |
Who is Goofy's favorite actress? Selma HYUCK | 4,655 |
I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation. | 4,656 |
People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume... Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench. | 4,657 |
There was no bread at the grocery store, so I bought a couple bags of bread crumbs and now have a weekend project.
OC | 4,658 |
Man did Covid 19 blow up quickly You could say it went viral | 4,659 |
My boss told me to have a good day So I went home | 4,660 |
Why can't a Redditor be a Jedi? They tell the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise all the time. | 4,661 |
A lot of people are going to look back when the epidemic is over and wish they had acted differently But you know what they say... Hindsight is 2020. | 4,662 |
Don't let the government fool you with this quarantine They only want you to stay home so that they can change the batteries of all the birds. | 4,663 |
I was gonna tell you a sheep joke but It was going to be baaaaaaaad | 4,664 |
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. | 4,665 |
Hermann Rorschach was a total pervert You should see the stuff he used to paint. | 4,666 |
Singers of the Mormon Tabernacle are home. They're under *choir*antine. | 4,667 |
If a pregnant wahmen dives underwater, does it make her a submarine? These questions really make you think about reality | 4,668 |
What does a hard maths problem and constipation have in common? You might need a pencil to work them out | 4,669 |
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer. | 4,670 |
What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in | 4,671 |
A guy decided to walk into the bar But it was closed | 4,672 |
Due to the quarantine...
I’ll only be telling inside jokes. | 4,673 |
***2020 CANCELLED*** After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.
While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just to call it off.
We understand that some of you were looking forward to seeing what cruel and peculiar clusterf**k of a disaster 2020 would throw up next, but on balance we believe it is probably best not to find out.
We will instead provide ticket holders with a full refund or exchange, and start afresh with 2021 on Monday.
Our plan is to deliver a more enjoyable year, similar to say 2016, which everyone thought was the absolute worst year of all time, but in retrospect was a f**king walk in the park.
See you next year.
The Management. | 4,674 |
What’s the difference between a duck ? One leg is both the same | 4,675 |
It is easy to joke about the Coronavirus Everyone gets it | 4,676 |
They say chimps are our closest relatives... but mine's actually my mum. | 4,677 |
I've been kicked, beaten, abused and locked away in cupboards since I was first born Such is the life of a football | 4,678 |
If the penis was a musical instrument what song would you play on it? Personally I would choose "Beat it". | 4,679 |
What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine | 4,680 |
Doom Eternal is out, but my preorder belongs to a locked-down game store. Rip, and tears. | 4,681 |
I’d like to thank my toilet For always knowing how to deal with my shit | 4,682 |
The corona virus Might be a plus for my sex life! I'm thinking of all those women who said "Maybe if you were the last man on earth ..." | 4,683 |
With Coronavirus and our impending doom I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all | 4,684 |
What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt. | 4,685 |
Government A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. .....
Now give me back my dog. | 4,686 |
Its thanksgiving A little boy around 4 years old is watching his dad cut the turkey. He accidentally cuts his hand and he yells "fuck." The boy asks his dad what that word means. His dad says it means to cut.
The boy then goes to the bathroom where his mum is putting on makeup. Her hand slips and she goes "shit," the boy asks what that word means. The mum says it means makeup.
Then his uncle knocks on the door. The boy opens it and the uncle asks what his parents are doing. The boys says "my dads fucking the turkey and my mums putting shit on her face." | 4,687 |
Pain tolerance It is believed that kids have far more pain tolerance than adults.
There could be statistics to support this , if only they stopped screaming their throats out in my basement. | 4,688 |
Pain tolerance It is believed that kids have far more pain tolerance than adults.
There could be statistics to support this , if only they stopped screaming their throats out in my basement. | 4,689 |
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast. | 4,690 |
Q. Why is #Coronavirus like a hostage crisis?
A. Because it leads to the "stock home syndrome". | 4,691 |
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. ​
If anything, it made him more sluggish. | 4,692 |
This covid19 sucks Covid 20 will be less buggy I reckon | 4,693 |
My wife has been crying for 3 days; Her boyfriend dumped her | 4,694 |
CEO of Sorbent Toilet Tissue is doing well. He just bought a Rolls. | 4,695 |
What's the difference between the coronavirus and a girl? I for sure won't get the girl. | 4,696 |
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro cinco. | 4,697 |
I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didnt like it | 4,698 |
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.. Cuz he’s a key worker. | 4,699 |
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak ? They stay in Quran-tine | 4,700 |
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. i'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either." | 4,701 |
How do you call a place where you pee? IP address | 4,702 |
Redditors will save the world from the corona pandemic. They are experts in applied social distancing. | 4,703 |
My friend said he made a voodoo doll of me But I think he's just pulling my leg. | 4,704 |
Morbid COVID-19 puns have spread everywhere considering what's going on. So have some patience. They should start to die in a week or so. | 4,705 |
I have caught feelings with the coronavirus So I won't get it | 4,706 |
A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day, a gangster shot her three times in a stomach for a gang initiation. After spending a few months in the hospital, the doctor declared that she made a mysterious recovery and allowed her to return home. She gave birth to 2 girls and 1 boy. 16 years later, one of her daughters walked into her room carrying a bullet. She explained that it fell out while she was using the bathroom. So her mother explained the story about the gangster. Her second daughter walked in puzzled, also holding a bullet. So her mother explained the story again. Finally, her son entered the room crying. His mom said "Let me guess, you were using the bathroom and a bullet came out?" He said: "No, I was jacking off and shot the dog" | 4,707 |
How do you know if you have a polar bear in your refrigerator? The door won't close. | 4,708 |
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me. I was stumped. | 4,709 |
I named my penis Joe Jr. Because he spends alot of time with Joe Mama | 4,710 |
A blond with two red ears goes to her doctor The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, ''I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.''
''Oh Dear!'' the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. ''But, what happened to your other ear?''
''The son of a bitch called back.” | 4,711 |
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever. I mean, hindsight is 2020. | 4,712 |
There are lots of jokes about COVID19 Most are reposts, but some are novel. | 4,713 |
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