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Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate... ...everyone came.
You should have seen her face. | 4,514 |
Why did Gandalf’s monster cooking class get canceled? He didn’t have enough stewed ents. | 4,515 |
Completing a push up is basically you telling gravity "Hey, buddy...you lose". | 4,516 |
The WHO told Trump 654 Brazilian people were diagnosed with Covid-19 so far He said “My god that’s almost a trillion!” | 4,517 |
My wife just told me that "Doom Eternal" will be her first video game. I'm sure it'll be a hell of a first impression. | 4,518 |
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..." | 4,519 |
The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter. They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.
Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat. Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper. | 4,520 |
I never believed in natural selection until I met anti-vaccine proponents. They are the living proof that natural selection still weeds out the less intelligent. | 4,521 |
What would The Jetsons be called if they were black? The Jetsons, you fucking racist | 4,522 |
Did you know that the average American eats 8 spiders during the day!?
It's true, your neighbours are eating spiders. Don't let them know you're different. | 4,523 |
Just saw a load of fat women running down the road celebrating. I stopped one of them, and asked what are you all celebrating?
She replied, weight-watchers has been cancelled for 2 months. | 4,524 |
A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets He was arrested for attempted murder. | 4,525 |
What do farmers and the media have in common? They both spend a lot of time spreading shit. | 4,526 |
You’re the sunshine of my life. Cancerous. | 4,527 |
I’ve been told that I look like my grandpa. Grandma says I kiss like him too. | 4,528 |
What would Chris Christie do if he was the governor of New Jersey during the CoronaVirus? Shut down travel through the bridges!! | 4,529 |
What do you call a man with a broken leg that just fell down the stairs? Unlucky | 4,530 |
After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful. | 4,531 |
Running out of TP gives a new meaning to the phrase... Sh*t just got real | 4,532 |
People should not cough near you to avoid infection.... They must cough far away.
IF they want to cough near you, tell them to
Far cough!!! | 4,533 |
Old Men TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...
TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!' | 4,534 |
How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus? When he's always coffin | 4,535 |
Why don't bouncers drink large coffees? Because its regulars only. | 4,536 |
Whoever closed last night did an absolute shit job of cleaning and prepping for tomorrow I hate working from home | 4,537 |
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!" | 4,538 |
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers. | 4,539 |
what did the burgalar say to the police after he was caught 500 dollars, now thats a crime | 4,540 |
I once ejaculated into a fire. I was coming in hot! | 4,541 |
There is no such thing as a bad joke... There are only good jokes and dad jokes. | 4,542 |
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus Wet, Hot and Breathtaking. | 4,543 |
Why doesnt the reddit logo have a mask on yet? Because this site is already fucking dead. | 4,544 |
COVID-19 Test Results Your bloodwork came back and I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that you tested positive for COVID19 and HIV.
The good news is that you’re not going to die of AIDS. | 4,545 |
NSFW Possible Coronavirus Inoculant Found Experts suggest that a hormone found in ordinary semen may, if consumed in sufficient quantities over time, produce a gradual immunity buildup to the Covid19 virus.
Source: Am expert | 4,546 |
I like my coffee like I like my slaves FREE!
Where in the hell did your mind go to? | 4,547 |
I like my women like I like my coffee Hot,
Columbian,
And allllll over my lap when I drive | 4,548 |
New COVID19-Related Service I am thinking about offering a new service in my city to help with the whole COVID19 thing.
Basically, if you're someone who is hoarding toilet paper, you send me your name and address and I come to your house and fucking beat the shit out of you. Now you no longer need that toilet paper, so it can be fairly re-distributed.
Something, something - two birds-one stone... | 4,549 |
I tried to tell a joke was told it wasn't funny. I said I know, the funny is at home self isolating due to covid-19. | 4,550 |
Do you know why I'd trade herpese for gonorrhea Instead of an annyoing orange itch I'd rather feel the Bern | 4,551 |
I was gonna make a anal sex joke Butt fuck it | 4,552 |
The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid Off | 4,553 |
You can't breathe out of your mouth while smiling Ah, stop breathing on me, I'm gonna get coronavirus you sick little piece of sh-- | 4,554 |
I saw a man at a marathon... He was running in the race. He had a T-Shirt of Donald Trump's face on it. When he stopped, I asked why he was wearing it.
"I'm running for president." | 4,555 |
What sort of monkey flies? A hot air baboon. | 4,556 |
I picked up a dog from a blacksmith the other day I took him inside when I got home and he made a bolt for the door. | 4,557 |
No Toilet Paper At The Waffle House? Scattered smothered and covered it is! | 4,558 |
What do you call a teenager who successfully quarantines himself? A quaranteen | 4,559 |
The Prom A high school senior is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually he buys the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline. | 4,560 |
Garage Door The Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning
not knowing his zipper was down and his fly
area wide open.. His assistant walked up to
him and said, 'This morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd
closed the garage door, and walked into his
office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly
noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question
about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and
paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage
door was open, did you see my Hummer parked
in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't.
All I saw was an old mini van with two flat
tires.. | 4,561 |
How do you tell the difference between a recession and depression? If your friend loses his job, it's a recession. If you lose your job, it's a depression. | 4,562 |
Five of Henry VIII's wives just got their GCSE results... D
B
D
D
B | 4,563 |
A sandwich walks into a bar... The bartender says:
“Sorry, We don’t serve food here.” | 4,564 |
I'm so lazy... I don't even finish my | 4,565 |
No food in the stores, only takeout is available... I’m going to gain the Covid 19. | 4,566 |
Coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non-coffee drinkers. But I guess that's bound to be the case when you're awake nineteen hours a day. | 4,567 |
Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean. | 4,568 |
A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake | 4,569 |
World Health Organization’s rebranding In honor of our single biggest patron, China, we hereby announce a rebranding - from W.H.O. to XiDC
Before we sign off the old name, we’ll use it one last time to show our compassion —
Your well-being, WHO cares. | 4,570 |
I am unable to come up with new jokes. I guess my sense of humor has truly sheltered in place. | 4,571 |
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day. Yesterday, he brought his dog along. | 4,572 |
I was so fortunate that a Muslim family was able to take me in when Social Isolation when into effect. Now I am in Quran-tine. | 4,573 |
I have just run out of toilet paper so I have begun using old newspapers. The Times are rough. | 4,574 |
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose. But can you pick a peck of pickled peppers like Peter Piper? | 4,575 |
COVID-19 and COVID-20 were placed in a petri dish to fight COVID-21 | 4,576 |
What game does King Kong play? Ping Pong | 4,577 |
Where's the longest running game of hide and seek? The US-Mexico border | 4,578 |
I interviewed for a job today and they asked for me for my CV Why do they *want* Coronavirus?
​
*sorry: sigh, sorry for the grammar hack job* | 4,579 |
My teenage son won't look me in the eye. He says he's trying to be socially distant. | 4,580 |
The kid I hired to clean up the poop in my yard just realized... I don’t have a dog. | 4,581 |
Due to Coronavirus social distancing John claimed to be standing 6ft away but we all could tell he was only 5’ 10”. | 4,582 |
Keep perspective, COVID-19 has a lower fatality rate than being willing to testify against Hillary | 4,583 |
I don't get many complaints in the bedroom One of the many advantages of being a Necrophiliac. | 4,584 |
Granting Xi Jinping’s wishes Xi Jinping has always wanted to be emperor.
After this Crowning Achievement of his, I guess that’s ONE way to finally get coronated. | 4,585 |
March hasn't quite destroyed the world. No, but April May. | 4,586 |
Why are German cities so hot? Because they're Thermo-Stadts | 4,587 |
Uplifting news: toilet paper scalper arrested A report has been posted of police arresting someone selling toilet paper for $60 a roll--and that's nice, because now the child molesters in jail will have someone they can beat up on too. | 4,588 |
Differences in mantra QE 2’s mantra : never complain, never explain
CCP and CDC’s mantra : never contain, never sustain | 4,589 |
My wife is freaked out and suggest should be in two separate sides of the house. Honestly honey I think you are overreacting to this Coronavirus
Wife: What Coronavirus | 4,590 |
Pandemic experts of China Why is Beijing lecturing us on pandemics ? I think it was Jesus who once said :
Thou who has been to Wuhan or Hubei in past 14 days shall not throw stones. | 4,591 |
What happens when you give Donald Trump viagra? He gets taller | 4,592 |
TikTok’s fault China didn’t buy TikTok by coincidence -
Cuz we’re definitely racing against time…
While everything China touches seems to go viral | 4,593 |
I told a Coronavirus joke earlier today and nobody laughed. They will get it eventually... | 4,594 |
I don't think coronavirus jokes are very funny at all At least here at r/jokes. | 4,595 |
Something spreading faster than the virus Friend : omg it’s a pandemic what should I do ?
Me : oh please … the only thing spreading faster and wider than the virus are your legs | 4,596 |
What's the difference a girl and a cat I've never had sex with a girl | 4,597 |
What did the fish say when it hit a wall?
**Dam** | 4,598 |
Redditors only want one thing and its fucking.
Disgusting! | 4,599 |
They said, "a mask and gloves would be enough to go to the grocery store..." They LIED, everyone else had clothes on... | 4,600 |
Can you tell that this question is actually about me? I’m asking for a friend | 4,601 |
What happens when you have sex to hard? Sorbet | 4,602 |
The CDC needs volunteers for the control group to test a new antidote for children. Any antivaxxers have kids they can part with? | 4,603 |
With all of the craziness at the grocery stores we've run out of toilet paper at my house and had to resort to using newspaper. These Times are rough. | 4,604 |
Why did the scarecrow won an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field. | 4,605 |
You want to hear a joke about Coronavirus? Never mind, you probably won’t get it | 4,606 |
Did you hear the Netherlands is almost out of toilet paper and weed? People bought them all for shits and giggles. | 4,607 |
Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me. As if she needed the reminder. | 4,608 |
North Korea providing updated coronavirus case numbers every 30 minutes today - 8:00AM - 1 case
8:30AM - 0 cases
9:00AM - 1 case
9:30AM - 0 cases
10:00AM - 1 case
10:30AM - 0 cases | 4,609 |
A trilingual is someone who can speak 3 languages. A bilingual is someone who can speak 2 languages. What do you call someone who speak one language? An American | 4,610 |
What are the odds of being a midget? Small. | 4,611 |
Not vaccinating you child is great You won't have to deal with your mistake for long | 4,612 |
TIL that caterpillars turn into butterflies... I learned in Spanish and though they turned gay. | 4,613 |
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