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I’m going to say something controversial >!something controversial!< | 4,714 |
Most people don’t realize how similar the jobs of dentists and correction officers really are. They both mainly consist of cavity searches. | 4,715 |
A man walks into a bar... he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"
The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano. He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as that hamster, then sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says, "What a performer! I'll give you $500 for that frog."
The first man says, "It’s a deal!" and sells the guy his frog. The bartender shakes his head slowly. "Not that it's any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog. Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "Nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
Edit: spaced it out to make it easier to read | 4,716 |
Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close. My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes, he has been gone since 1983. | 4,717 |
[NSFW] Why is Flo Rida unzipping his fly? He‘s goin‘ down for rear | 4,718 |
Social distancing for an introvert is like winning a free ticket to a Coldplay concert for an extrovert I feel right at home | 4,719 |
What are you when youre telling the truth? An honest mistake | 4,720 |
There was a couple of fish in an aquarium. One day one of the fish died and the water tank overflowed. Why? Cuz all the other fish cried | 4,721 |
A man walks into a bar in South Beach and orders a drink. (long) The bartender and the man make some easy conversation for about 20 minutes, during which the time the man has consumed four beers, and is getting progressively more wasted as time goes on. At this point, the bartender asks the man, "Hey, have you heard of our famous bar challenge?"
The man replies, "What?"
The bartender explains, "Yeah. So what you do is you do a thirty second keg stand and you then have to complete three tasks. If you complete all three tasks, then you win $5,000. It's all safe and totally legal."
The man sees no visible reason to object, so he says, "Sure, why not? How hard can this be?"
"You'll see. The first thing you'll do after your keg stand is eat our famous deluxe double cheeseburger meal with every possible ingredient on the burger and an extra large fries and a shake."
The man nods, and a smug look crosses his face. *This'll be easy,* he thought to himself.
"Next up, there's an alligator we've been trying to get rid of that's been lurking behind the bar in the back alley sewer. You'll go through that door to get there. You are allowed to use a baseball bat that's sitting by the door. Kill the alligator and deposit it in the garbage disposal."
The man nods again, this time enthusiastically, and gestures for the bartender to continue.
"For your last challenge, you will go up the back stairs and enter the first door on the left. In that room, a prostitute is waiting for you. Have sex with her and last for ten minutes, and come back down. After all has been completed, you will walk out of here with $5,000 of cold, hard cash. Do you agree to these terms?"
"I agree to your terms," the man replies.
The bartender grins and exclaims, "Great! You have exactly one hour to complete this challenge. Are you ready?"
"Hell yes. Let's DO THIS!!" The man rips his shirt off to reveal his muscular figure in the spirit of drunkenness.
"Okay." The bartender turns and shouts to everyone in the bar, "Great news! We have a participant!!" Cheering ensues from the rest of the bar. The bartender turns back to the man and says, "Time starts... NOW!"
He performs the keg stand, while the entire room full of people cheer him on and count - "TWENTY-SEVEN, TWENTY-EIGHT, TWENTY-NIIIIIINE, THIRTY!!"
The man ROARS in triumph and starts to demolish the deluxe burger combo, which he polishes off in 7 minutes and 32 seconds. The bartender shouts, "Fifty-one minutes and thirty seconds left to go!" The man, feeling empowered by the people at the bar, storms out the back door.
Five minutes pass. Then, ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Twenty five.
FINALLY, at twenty six minutes and three seconds gone by, the man re-enters the building, pants and shoes badly tattered and soaked with sewer water. He's scratched profusely in the chest, and blood is trickling down his entire body. In his drunken state, however, he doesn't seem to notice. He bellows, "ALL RIGHT. WHERE'S THAT DIRTY WHORE I NEED TO BEAT UP WITH A BASEBALL BAT???" | 4,722 |
What do you call being well rested for a funeral? A good mourning | 4,723 |
As I walked up to the bank I noticed a fat, drunken old bum slumped beside the door. On my way out he asked me, “Any change?” “No, you’re still fat and drunk.” | 4,724 |
When you think about it... Every market in Africa is a black market | 4,725 |
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? | 4,726 |
What do you call a group of rabbits running backwards? A receding hareline | 4,727 |
Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land never waves back | 4,728 |
So, shouldn’t we like wait Till after the pandemic to do the census? | 4,729 |
Why did the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was on a roll. | 4,730 |
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing | 4,731 |
What would Rome have been called if it was founded by Remus? Not Reme, Remember.
Reme has to put his member into everything. | 4,732 |
Where do midgets get their education? Minuscule | 4,733 |
Do you know who is really to blame for the coronavirus pandemic? Ozzy Osbourne. | 4,734 |
Do you like being CDC compliant? Because I have 6 feet of social distance in my pants | 4,735 |
My crush finally said yes! A while back I gave her a surprise car ride to my house,and she stayed for an entire week.After a week has passed I asked her out and she said yes!All I have to do now is untie her and we can go!So excited! | 4,736 |
How do priests with a lisp communicate? They use faithtime. | 4,737 |
Uh oh, due to Coronavirus, Finland just closed it’s borders... Now no one can cross the Finnish line. | 4,738 |
Bar jokes 3 girls in a bar talking how loose they are. First girl says she can fit a banana, second girl says she can fit a cucumber, third one slides down the bar stool. | 4,739 |
I gave the boss cv-19 He read over it, liked what he saw, we shook hands and he hired me on the spot.
A few days later I came down with corona virus. | 4,740 |
So a man was drowning in a river and then a big boat comes by and the man in it says “do you need any help” to which the drowning man replies “no thanks, god will save me”. And then another big boat comes by and the man in it says “do you need any help” to which the drowning man replies again “ no thanks, god will save me”. So the man drowns and goes to heaven. He says to god “why didn’t you save me?” and god says “i sent to big boats you dummy!” | 4,741 |
Too much of phone sex is bad for you... it'll give you hearing aids | 4,742 |
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on I don't know why she got so mad, It's pretty bloody hard to write on sand! | 4,743 |
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and mute . When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!" | 4,744 |
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with COVID-19? The weekend. | 4,745 |
Elizabeth Warren says... only the Government should have guns. A real Indian would know better. | 4,746 |
The Coronavirus has shut down theater Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show on dozens of subreddits.
Before the show, they had the costumes, props, and theater disinfected to protect the health of the actors. However, the sanitizing process left the stage dangerously slippery.
Because of the shortage of household supplies, the maintenance team had no paper towels to wipe away the disinfectant, and they almost had to cancel the show. Luckily a stagehand had an idea. He found an old dictionary in the props closet, ripped out its pages, and laid them all down individually to cover the entire stage. This gave the actors just enough traction to safely perform.
The play was steamed tó over 50,000 viewers and went off without a hitch, The next day the producer tracked the stage hand.
"I owe you a debt l of gratitude! Your idea saved the day! I've been reading reviews online and everybody is raving about how much they enjoyed the show!"
The stagehand nodded confidently and said, "I'm not surprised. Redditors love a good play on words." | 4,747 |
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison | 4,748 |
My Chinese neighbors had Waffles for breakfast Bastards. I LOVED that cat | 4,749 |
A man in Soviet Russia asks, another, "How do you feel about Comrade Stalin?" The second replies, "I feel the same way you do." The first man replies, "Then I'm going to have to report you." | 4,750 |
I intended to post this to r/Motivation but I’m afraid i’ll get downvoted. This is not the time to Be Positive. | 4,751 |
The reason it’s called the American dream is because you have to be asleep to see it | 4,752 |
What do women and condoms have in common They both have men’s dicks inside of them | 4,753 |
I just got off the phone with a doctor in China. He said it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now, as they're expecting the Covid-20 to be released later this year. | 4,754 |
My friend was grateful when I told her about the supernatural cure for the virus. I knew I made the right choice when I told her witch doctor to go to. | 4,755 |
Kindergarten books in future: Day 1
Lecture 1
Chapter 1: A saga of eating the bat and facing the crap
Line 1: Dont eat bat, dont eat bat | 4,756 |
What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Well matey... you’d think it would be Arr, but a pirate’s first love will always be the sea. | 4,757 |
How to walk up the stairs Step1:
Step2:
Step3:
… | 4,758 |
What did hitler say when he lost the war? I did nazi that one coming.
I hate myself | 4,759 |
Your so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got arrested for littering. Just a joke calm down | 4,760 |
With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom.... ...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona. | 4,761 |
If it were February instead of March, I would have asked her out like Will you be my quarantine? | 4,762 |
What do u call a spanish man who runs out of toilet paper during lockdown He's panic | 4,763 |
So everyone's complaining about the effects of the Corona Virus, But I say we look at the Silver linings. School Shootings are at an all time low! Now I call that winning | 4,764 |
I spent an hour coming up with this joke And it has a terrible punchline | 4,765 |
What is the most expensive soup? Bat soup. Price: $10 trillion | 4,766 |
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? My dad | 4,767 |
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey! | 4,768 |
So Trump banned air travel from Europe. It only took him three years to get his Muslim Ban. | 4,769 |
Corononavirus is giving me Cabin Fever Patient: Hey doc, this shelter in place thing is giving me Cabin Fever. I've got a Headache, Fatigue, Chills, Sore Throat and a Stiff Neck
Doctor: Uh, no you're describing an actual fever. Nurse, get a corononavirus test ready. | 4,770 |
They say a woman’s work is never done Maybe that’s why they don’t get paid as much.. | 4,771 |
How can you send marijuana through the post? First Grass. | 4,772 |
Saying goodbye to mother We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car. | 4,773 |
My favorite native american restaurant is shutting down. They didn't get enough reservations. | 4,774 |
A guy and his donkey walk into a bar the bartender says to the man: "Get your ass out of here." | 4,775 |
What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme. | 4,776 |
What did the redditor say when his baby was born stillborn? It died in new. | 4,777 |
How do you make money as a pimp? With insider trading. | 4,778 |
COVID-19 is still less deadly Than having dirt on Hillary | 4,779 |
There was a girl called Sally Brown... ...who said no man could lay her down
And over the hill came Piss-Pot Pete,
With fifty pounds of swinging meat.
He layed her down upon the grass,
And fucked the pants right off her ass.
Then, with one tremendous fart
She blew Pete's balls five miles apart
And over the hill went Piss-Pot Pete
With fifty pounds of shredded meat. | 4,780 |
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ? Because dawn is tough on Greece | 4,781 |
So a guy walked into a bar and asked how to become a cupcake... So, a guy walked into a bar and he saw a cupcake. He went up to the cupcake and asked, "How do I become a cupcake?"
The cupcake replied, "You have to eat a cupcake to become a cupcake."
So the guy left to go eat a cupcake and the next night he returned to the bar. He then saw a chocolate bar and he asked, "How do I become a chocolate cupcake?"
The chocolate bar replied, "You've got to eat some chocolate."
So the guy went home and he ate some chocolate. The next night he came back and he saw a peanut. He went up to the peanut and asked, "How do I become a Reese's cupcake?"
The peanut replied, "You need to eat some peanut butter."
And so the man went home and ate some peanut butter. Then the next night he went to the bar again, even though he told himself he would stop because he had such a rough day at work and just wanted a drink. So he walked into the bar and went over to the line for beer, but it was too long. So he decided he would have some whiskey, but yet again the line was too long. He tried for wine, but the line was still too long.
Then he said to himself, "Oh, I know! I'll go have some punch!"
So he walked over to go get some punch, and he realized something: THERE IS NO PUNCH LINE! | 4,782 |
How did Busta Rhymes respond to today’s Coronavirus news from China? Wuhan! I got you all in check. | 4,783 |
What would CoVID-19 be called if it was an STD? HoVID-19 | 4,784 |
It was a jail warden's first day on the job. As he was given a rundown of the place he noticed a tree in one of this cells. He asked why there was a tree. The answer: *Treeson* | 4,785 |
I just admitted to my wife that I have been confirmed COVID19 positive. She said that this puts a real strain on our relationship. | 4,786 |
Covid19 inappropriate playlist thread. Honestly, I'm surprised it not been done yet. I'll start.... REM It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine) | 4,787 |
In Germany, people have social security. In the US, people have a social security number. | 4,788 |
My girlfriend said she was worried about catching the coronavirus, so she just wanted to do FaceTime I was really disappointed that didn’t mean blowjobs | 4,789 |
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling. Of course you can I just wanted you to smile! | 4,790 |
In China they call me the Joker... Because I'm crazy about Bats and will kill your parents. | 4,791 |
Why shouldn't people from Texas be allowed to drive? Because they're always Texan and driving | 4,792 |
It's a darned good thing we ramped up our Space Force Instead of, oh I don't know, a pandemic response team or something. | 4,793 |
Bride and Groom enter fancy Hotel. Front desk asks........ a room for tonight? Groom= A suite Please. FD= would you like the Bridal? Groom= No thank you, I will just hold her ears til she Knows me. | 4,794 |
How do you cut an ocean in half? With a seasaw! | 4,795 |
This has never sounded soooo sexy Doo you wanna quarentine together? | 4,796 |
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content. A coronaissance, if you will. | 4,797 |
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana? The steaks are too high. | 4,798 |
There's very few Coronavirus cases in Iowa. You know a place sucks when even the virus won't go there. | 4,799 |
A woman and a man are having their first baby The doctor comes over and says “Look, I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Oh my gosh, what is it?” cries the woman.
“It has no arms or legs - it’s just a head” he says, unwillingly. “The good news is that you won’t struggle for a name.”
On his 21st birthday, his dad says “come on Eddy, I want to take you out for a drink.”
“You’re old enough now”
He drives Eddy to the pub, and when they arrive, he puts Eddy on the bar.
“Now” says the dad, “don’t move, Eddy, I’m going for a piss”
So Eddy is sitting there with his hat on.
After about 5 minutes, his dad comes back and poor Eddy is crying his eyes out.
“Eddy, Eddy, what’s up?!” asks his dad.
“There was a big fight over there” replies Eddy,
“And some cunt shouted - throw the ‘ed in!” | 4,800 |
Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...? We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.
Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy". | 4,801 |
With Covid-19 we need to remember, we're all in this together! Well, maybe not technically "Together" but we are all in this for sure! | 4,802 |
Russia has confirmed their first case of corona virus!! Although Mr. Ivor Chesticov is expected to make a full recovery. | 4,803 |
What's the worst medicine for people with the coronavirus? ELDERberry | 4,804 |
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. | 4,805 |
My wife and I are into role play. Today she said I could pick any song as a role play theme... I hope her friend Eileen is as excited as I am. | 4,806 |
Bargining with a vampire is hard There always seems to be a lot at stake | 4,807 |
How would you describe a paraplegic Jew with insomnia? Underschlept | 4,808 |
I stepped on a bottle of medicine and fell down the stairs... ... that’s the last time I trip on robotussin. | 4,809 |
A british mum and her toddler visit her American friend The mum and her friend were talking late at night when the toddler shouts from the bedroom "mum i have a bloody nose" the friend says "oh you should do something about that" the mum replies " oh no it's allright he's just learning his body parts". | 4,810 |
There once was a man from Stamboul There once was a man from Stamboul,
who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You've taken my health,
you've ruined my wealth,
and now you won't pee, you old fool!" | 4,811 |
How many DnD characters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can see just fine by the light of that burning orphanage. | 4,812 |
With all this bad news I decided that I needed some light relief. So I got a blowjob from an anorexic hooker. | 4,813 |
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