text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
You know, there was a time I joked about domestic violence
it was about 1:00, maybe 1:30. | 4,414 |
THIS JUST IN: The sun has corona. | 4,415 |
One of the houston astros players almost got Coronavirus He saw the signs coming before | 4,416 |
Why do rats suck at taking pictures? Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it. | 4,417 |
A historian goes to Mexico to do research on Pancho Villa. After a few weeks of going from village to village, getting 3rd and 4th hand stories, he meets a man who tells him, "Go talk to the old man at the end of the road. He knew Pancho Villa."
So the historian goes to meet the old man, who is well over 100 years old. He asks the old man, "I understand you knew Pancho Villa?"
The old man takes a drag on his cigarette. "Do I know Panch Villa? Let me tell you about Pancho Villa."
"I was riding my horse in the desert and I saw a man. So I ride up to him. It's Pancho Villa! And he has a pistol! So he tells me 'Get off your horse!' What can I do? He has a pistol, I don't have a pistol. I get off my horse."
"Pancho Villa get on my horse. Then he say to me 'Take off your pants!' What can I do? He has a pistol, I don't have a pistol. So I take off my pants."
Then he says to me 'Take a shit on the ground!' What can I do? He has a pistol, I don't have a pistol. So I take a shit on the ground."
Then he says to me 'Pick up the shit and eat it!' What can I do? He has a pistol, I don't have a pistol. So I pick up the shit and eat it."
"And I can see Pancho Villa is about to shoot me! But then, a snake scares my horse and the throws Pancho Villa off! And Pancho Villa drops the pistol! And then I grab the pistol!"
"And then I tell Pancho Villa, 'Take off your pants!' And what can he do? I have a pistol, he don't have a pistol! So he take off his pants."
"And I say, 'Take a shit on the ground!' And what can he do? I have a pistol, he don't have a pistol! So he take a shit on the ground."
"And I say, 'Pick up the shit and eat it!' And what can he do? I have a pistol, he don't have a pistol! So he pick up the shit and eat it."
"Then I get on my horse and I ride away!"
The old man yells, "So you ask me, DO I KNOW PANCHO VILLA? DO I KNOW PANCHO VILLA??!!"
The old man takes a drag on his cigarette.
"Si, we had lunch together once." | 4,418 |
Is your refrigerator running? Then you better go catch it | 4,419 |
Two workers at TMZ are talking... ‘Did you guys hear about the actress who got stabbed?’
‘No, what happened?’
‘Reese…’
‘Witherspoon?’
‘No with a knife.’ | 4,420 |
IQ Test
I.Q. question
You are walking along holding an umbrella foryour wife. You approach a gate with an
obstruction above it made of steel.
Choose one:
a. You should lower the umbrella, close theumbrella, pass the umbrella through the gate andopen it on the other side.
b. You should leave the umbrella open andpass it over the top of the obstruction and
continue on the other side.
c. You should continue to hold the umbrella inthe same position because a metal solid will passthrough another metal solid unobstructed. It’s alaw of physics.
d. You should resign because you are too dumbto hold a public office.
See below . . . . | 4,421 |
What’s a tennis player’s favorite type of ice cream? Soft serve | 4,422 |
Ever been driving down the highway smoking a cigarette and you throw the butt out the window and a couple minutes later you smell something so you turn around and look in the back seat to find your grandmother fingering herself? | 4,423 |
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. | 4,424 |
North Korea has developed a cure for COVID-19 It's made of lead, half an inch long, and costs 10 cents per dose. | 4,425 |
When I awoke after my operation, my nurse said "you may not feel anything from the waist down." So I caressed her breasts. | 4,426 |
People say 60 is the new 40 The cop who pulled me over, didn't have that point of view | 4,427 |
Why did the vegetarian start eating meat Because his vitamin c started to vitamin see | 4,428 |
If you're going to study art... ...go to Austria, I heard they have the highest success rates in the world these days! | 4,429 |
What did Jesus say when he learned that Judas sold him? That double crosser... | 4,430 |
For the first time in a while.. most people actually want their house wrapped in toilet paper. | 4,431 |
I have legs like chop sticks Because their skinny and hard to use | 4,432 |
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in. So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I guess it's your feet." | 4,433 |
Damn Elephant This man goes to the doctor and says "ive got a huge hole in my ass" the doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look". "fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?" patient replies, "i just got fucked by an elephant". the doctor says "an elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". The patient replies "he fingered me first” | 4,434 |
Remember if you’re feeling afraid... You’re also a terrible reporter. | 4,435 |
Pete is walking down the harbour and sees 2 fishermen. He always wanted to have a go at fishing so he goes up to them to ask. Pete has a stutter though so he goes " h-he-hello guys would y-you you mind if i come f-f-fi-fishing with you?"
They look at eachother and decide that "yes you can come, but be quiet, we don't want you to scare away the fish". So pete all happy gets in the boat and they go out into the sea.
All goes well, pete is having fun, the fishermen are getting fish, its like a dream come true.
Suddenly behind them appears a huge ship, getting closer and closer.
The fishermen don't notice but Pete does and he goes "G-G-Guys"
"SHHHH you'll scare the fish away"
"B-B-BUT THERE'S A SH-SH-SH.."
"SHHHHHH Keep quiet"
the fishermen go.
The ship crashes onto them, they start sinking and drowning but the ship captain thankfully notices and saves them just in time
A few Months go by
Pete walks down the harbour again and sees the fishermen. He goes up to them and they have a small chat. He asks if they could take him into the sea again for another fishing trip and they agreed with one condition.
"If you see a ship TELL US FAST this time!"
So they go out into the sea again, time passes, fishes get caught, everyone is happy again.
But Pete suddenly goes
"G-G-GUYS A SH-SH-SH.."
The fishermen don't even wait for Pete to finish, in panic they jump into the water and start swimming.
Pete goes
"SH-SHARKS YOU IDIOTS" | 4,436 |
Revelations states that the end of the world would be signaled by “Trumpets”. Lately, I’m beginning to think we mistranslated, and really it’s, *The end of the world would be signaled by Trump/Pence*. | 4,437 |
The day a guy come up to me and says 'Daniel I know you fucked my mom' I'm going to be very confused. Not because he falsely accused me of fucking his mom, but because my name isn't Daniel. | 4,438 |
Why do golfers bring two pairs of pants to the golf course? In case they get a hole in one! | 4,439 |
boris johnson,scotsman,welshman,irishman updated the 4 above are on a plane,malfunction and the plane starts to go down
theres only 1 parachute
scotsman (sacrificing himself)bravely shouts "For Scotland!"and jumps out
welshman (also sacrificing himself)shouts "For Wales!"and jumps out!
irishman shouts "For Ireland" and pushes Johnson out | 4,440 |
A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having sex to escape the attention of their son. According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist.
However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other.
One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.”
The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part.
Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!” | 4,441 |
My wife said her blood is Type O. I told her she should correct that. | 4,442 |
best way to speak to yr wife at home? send her a message on facebook | 4,443 |
What happens if you get Coronavius twice? Dos Equis. | 4,444 |
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying "We value your privacy." Well I know that. How else could you sell it? | 4,445 |
Forget separation of church and state... ... I need separation of home and work. | 4,446 |
In a hurry to get to a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrives and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth. He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said.
"Too loose," the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
"Too tight," the speaker told him.
"I have one more pair."
The speaker tried them and they fit perfectly.
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. When the dinner was over, he went to thank the man who'd helped him.
"Where's your office?" he inquired. "I'm looking for a good dentist."
The man replied: "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker." | 4,447 |
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store They lied, everyone else had clothes on. | 4,448 |
The Church just added an 11th COMMANDMENT. Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor. | 4,449 |
Those 13-19 yo people in the corona virus outbreak are always outside the house and it's annoying and dangerous. Like, can you please go into quaranteen? | 4,450 |
Doctor, what is wrong with me? We do not know yet.
-When will you know?
After the autopsy. | 4,451 |
Wire brush and Dettol HRH Anne, the Princess Royal, is visiting the regiment of which she is Colonel-in-Chief and goes on a tour of the base hospital. She sees a patient in one bed and goes over to him, and he turns red and tries to hide beneath the bedspread; but the Princess is having none of this and says to the RSM escorting her "What is this patient's ailment, sergeant-major?" -- "Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM smartly.
She turns to the patient and says "Don't be embarrassed, you silly man: in equestrian circles we know all about this condition, trust me. What is the treatment?" -- "Wire brush and Dettol, ma'am!" says the sergeant-major.
"I see," says HRH, and to the patient in the bed: "And what is your ambition, soldier?" -- "To make a speedy recovery and return to the service of my Queen and country, ma'am!" says the soldier. "Very good, carry on," says the Princess.
The next patient turns a still deeper shade of crimson and lies there paralysed with embarrassment. "What is this patient's ailment?" HRH asks the RSM. -- "Syphilis, ma'am. Self-inflicted injury. No sympathy at all!"
"I see," says HRH. "Well, now, single men in barracks and all that, as Kipling says. No use judging the man harshly. And what is the treatment?" -- "Wire brush and Dettol, ma'am!" says the RSM.
"And what is your ambition, soldier?" -- "To make a speedy recovery and return to the service of my Queen and country, ma'am!" says the soldier. "Very good, carry on," says the Princess.
The third patient looks less embarrassed, and the Princess Royal addresses him directly, "And what is the matter with you, soldier?" -- "Tonsillitis, ma'am!" says the soldier.
"How very distressing," says the Princess. "And the treatment is..." -- "Wire brush and Dettol, ma'am!" says the RSM.
"And what is your ambition, soldier?" -- "To get to the wire brush and Dettol before those two dirty bastards, ma'am!" says the soldier. | 4,452 |
I love my new Apple Watch so much I only take it off when I shower Which means I'm only able to charge it when I shower.
The battery has been dead for 3 weeks now. | 4,453 |
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend | 4,454 |
Clearly, you aren't what you eat. If that were true, I'd be a beefcake with nice buns and a gratuitous amount of pickle. | 4,455 |
Today, I'll share with you this one SIMPLE trick to go from making 5 figures, to 7 figures...
You count the two after the decimal | 4,456 |
I decided to learn the history behind Japanese animation It was a bizarre adventure | 4,457 |
Whats’s Elon musk’s favorite medication? Otesla! | 4,458 |
I’m addicted to water I just don’t feel like I’m living, without it. | 4,459 |
Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS! They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up. | 4,460 |
After some consideration, I’ve finally decided on what to give up for Lent... People. | 4,461 |
Do you know why some people dont like anal? Its a pain in the ass | 4,462 |
Susan threatened everyone in her small town with legal action so regularly She earned the nickname sueshi | 4,463 |
How long does it take Batman to change a lightbulb? Depends. How much prep time does he get? | 4,464 |
To all of the cleaners out there, working tirelessly to keep our hospitals and workplaces clean, I have just one thing to say to you. You missed a spot. | 4,465 |
I bought a guide on how to not panic buy. It's so good I got twenty copies just to be sure. | 4,466 |
What do you call Chef Boyardee products that you stockpile in the event of a quarantine? Beef-alone-y. | 4,467 |
Toilet paper shortage shows that there are more assholes than we thought Period. | 4,468 |
What does a tired man knit with? Yawn. | 4,469 |
Getting Old Couple in their nineties are both having
problems remembering things. During a
checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair. 'Want
anything while I'm in the kitchen?
he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?'
she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,
too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream.
I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write
it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -
I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After
about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?' | 4,470 |
I called 911 the other day, and told them I needed to be arrested. "Are you out of your mind?" asked the operator. "No, see, I robbed myself." I replied. "I'm a burglar, but I'm working from home." | 4,471 |
My friends are the best by far! get it? | 4,472 |
With everyone following the 6 feet distance rule, cab trunks are the new place for passengers. | 4,473 |
Bruce Lee's parrot A woman seeking to buy a parrot entered a petshop. There she greeted the shopkeeper and asked for a reasonably priced parrot. The shopkeeper proceeded to show her every parrot that he got. The first parrot was blue and green and could speak every language. The woman was amazed by its skills but she didn't like its price so much. "5 thousand dollars are too much for what he does" she said. Eventually the woman did not find something that she liked, so she was ready to leave. The shopkeeper aware of her displeasure, told her to wait and went to the back, only to come back with a huge black bird, full of grey spots, sharp claws, a sliced eye and a crooked beak. The woman disgusted from the monstrosity that laid upon her, asked what kind of bird that was. The shopkeeper told her everything about the bird. How it was trained by Bruce Lee himself, the art o karate, Kung fu and a bunch of others. She was amazed, but again it was not enough for her to buy it. The shopkeeper told her to be patient. He organised a little representation of what the parrot could do. He took her to the back where many random furniture were scattered all over the place. The shopkeeper started by pointing a wooden chair and saying "chair karate" The menacing bird raised its wings, and within a split second, the chair was cut into million pieces. He then proceeded by pointing a big iron wardrobe and saying "wardrobe karate" The bird again raises its wings and destroys the wardrobe. The woman shocked, pulled out her purse and took out a good amount of cash, and she gave it to the shopkeeper. She took the parrot and started heading home. When she arrived she found her husband lying on the couch watching TV. He saw the bird with surprise and curiosity and asked her wife what was that abomination that sat on her shoulder, and why did she return home without a parrot that she said she got it. She answered that this is the parrot that she choose, and she also tried to convince him that it would be great as a bodyguard. Curious the man asks why. She told him how the bird knows karate, can destroy anything and defeat any burglar. The man laughed at her claims and said:
"Pffft, karate my ass! " | 4,474 |
What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane? Your mom. | 4,475 |
3 girls meet up at a cafe after a huge night out First Girl says: "OMG, I was so drunk last night, I got home and blew chunks in the lounge."
Second Girl: "That's nothing, I fell asleep with a smoke and burnt a huge hole in my carpet."
Third Girl: "That's nothing, I ran out of money and was so drunk that I fucked the taxi driver to pay my fare.
The first girl interrupts: "You both didn't understand..... chunks is my dog." | 4,476 |
I’m so tired of babysitting my mom’s grandkids Disclosure: Yes they’re mine but they like her more | 4,477 |
I gently slid her panties to the side ... so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer | 4,478 |
Why is 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 was convicted of 26 murder charges | 4,479 |
A Christian family is eating dinner one evening and the mother asks her children to eat all their asparagus and spinach When Esther says: "But Mommy, won't God be mad if I eat Archibald?" | 4,480 |
If I stayed at home for you... ... why are you at work for me? | 4,481 |
What do you call someone who buys all the toilet paper in the supermarket? A wanker. Why else would they need all of that? | 4,482 |
Why do conservative Christians hate sex before marriage? Because sex leads to dancing | 4,483 |
In the Coronapocalypse... The next Spider-Man movie will be called:
Spider-Man: Work From Home | 4,484 |
Someone has fallen at his bed I guess you could say he “fell asleep” | 4,485 |
Alabama in Alabama family dinner has a whole different meaning | 4,486 |
The Corona crises in the US is.. unpresidented | 4,487 |
I can't stand piercings they go right through me | 4,488 |
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog | 4,489 |
Imagine doing GCSEs Not for us Quaran-TEENS | 4,490 |
An ice-cream van has crashed on the M25 Police are putting the cones out | 4,491 |
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?" | 4,492 |
When my physics lecture ended, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?” He said, “Sorry. There’s no Time.” | 4,493 |
What did the guy jump off the Eiffel Tower? He was in Seine! | 4,494 |
Why do demons avoid nuns’ clothing? They’re repelled by force of habit. | 4,495 |
And I will continue to post this, coronavirus be damned! Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back. | 4,496 |
I caught my wife hiding something at the back of her wardrobe. I asked “What’s that?”... “It’s Narnia business!” She replied | 4,497 |
What do I wear? To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough .... they lied .... everybody else had clothes on! | 4,498 |
Burglars will be the ones his hardest by the corona virus. Everyone is home, all the time. | 4,499 |
I was getting worried about mandatory business closures...
... until I learned that liquor stores are deemed essential. | 4,500 |
I can't watch erotic law enforcement videos without snacks. I need popcorn for my cop porn. | 4,501 |
On the plus side to this whole pandemic I haven’t heard of any school shootings this year | 4,502 |
People who hoard toilet paper are... ...shitty, all while their efforts are not to be shitty. | 4,503 |
People who hoard toilet paper are... ...shitty, all while their efforts are not to be shitty. | 4,504 |
Russia have announced their first Corona virus death 75 year old Ivor Chestikov passed away today | 4,505 |
Men will fuck anything Said the people fucking foods and plastic | 4,506 |
What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderwear!
that was from my 5 year old who is clearly funnier than me | 4,507 |
What do you call a corn cob with only one kernel? A unicorn. | 4,508 |
The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours. Theft: 0 cases
Killings: 0 cases
Prostitution: 0 cases
Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases | 4,509 |
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you've got antivirals. | 4,510 |
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work. | 4,511 |
Girl, are you Covid-19? Because you fuck up my world and make me feel lonely. | 4,512 |
Now is not the right time to surround yourself... with positive people. | 4,513 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.