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My girlfriend said that since being quarantined I’ve become “addicted” to porn... which is a filthy, dirty, wet, gaping lie. | 4,914 |
I have so much toilet paper I literally wipe my ass with it. | 4,915 |
Have you heard about the train killer? They're still trying to find out his loco-motives | 4,916 |
How does a soup chef save for retirement? With a Broth IRA! | 4,917 |
A lady at work keeps setting fire to her utility bills.. ...I said to her "you need to stop doing that Bernadette!" | 4,918 |
BREAKING NEWS.. Isis suicide bomber has killed 78 of his family in his two bedroom flat. He had taken government advice and was working from home | 4,919 |
Apparently the CDC is even limiting JOKES now? The CDC put out humor guidelines today asking Americans to limit themselves to only telling inside jokes | 4,920 |
Talking to my elderly neighbor on the balcony during quarantine and he goes: "The worst has yet to come. - What will it be? - The Jehova Witnesses know we are all stuck at home!" | 4,921 |
Coronavirus is a dead meme Now that all the normies are sharing it. | 4,922 |
Tom Hanks is a bad actor who just pretends to be a good one. | 4,923 |
What do you call it when a Japanese person has eaten two butts? An assassination. | 4,924 |
My shortest joke ever: Coronavirus... Testing times. | 4,925 |
My girlfriend left a post-it on the fridge saying "This isn't working" But the light comes on and the food's still cold, so I don't know what she's on about. | 4,926 |
Woman confesses to her husband that she sells her body while he is at work. Before he can react, she says but look at the money I got for us, $500.25. He says, who gave you the quarter? She says they all did. | 4,927 |
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT?" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either." | 4,928 |
To the guy who invented zero Thanks for nothing. | 4,929 |
Damn you Corona!! Now I can't joke that "we need a plague, there's too many people out there" | 4,930 |
It was just determined that you can't get the CoronaVirus from pets!! WHO let the dogs out!!! | 4,931 |
Which hand? Boy asks left handed boy, "Do you wipe your ass with your left hand?"
Left handed boy - "Yeah. Do you wipe with your right?"
Boy - "Nah, we still have toilet paper at our house". | 4,932 |
How much does it cost to turn a Trump supporter into a socialist? $1,000 | 4,933 |
Breaking news! Snow White down to six dwarves... ...Sneezy has been quarentined by the CDC | 4,934 |
Dear Diary. Day 8th of the quarantine. I am starting to get seriously concerned... I started having thoughts of having sex with my own wife!!! | 4,935 |
Two guys show up late to a cannibal breakfast All they get is the cold shoulder. | 4,936 |
A man goes on a business trip to Japan... The night before his important meeting he decides to unwind with a hooker. As he's banging away, she screams "Nakamushi! Nakamushii!" not speaking much Japanese he assumes this is a complement to his outstanding performance.
His meeting the next day goes well and he's invited to play golf with the CEO of the company. On the 7th hole the CEO sinks an impressive putt and the guy thinks 'I'll impress him with my Japanese' so he applauds and shouts out "Nakamushi! Nakamushii!"
Puzzled, the CEO turns to him and asks "What do you mean 'Wrong hole, Wrong hole'?" | 4,937 |
10'' Pianist A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. When asked by the bartender, he takes out a small piano, a bench and, a small man who then sat down and played.
Once he finished, the bartender then asks "Where did you get that from?"
"From this." The man then took out a lamp. The bartender rubbed the lamp, releasing a genie.
"What is your wish?" The genie asked.
"I wish for a million bucks."
The bar then filled to the brim with ducks. Turning back to the man, the bartender then says: "I think your genie might be partially deaf."
"You think!?" | 4,938 |
What do you call a hungry bison that loves astrophysics? Chew deGrasse Bison | 4,939 |
Canadian and Chinese man get into a car crash Chinese man knows very little English.
Chinese man: I am sorry
Canadian: I am sorry too
Chinese man: I am sorry three
Canadian: What are you sorry for?
Chinese man: I am sorry five | 4,940 |
Two cops are looking at a dog's butt A coworker asks them what they're doing. They replied:"Some kid walked by and said, 'hey look, a dog with two assholes'". | 4,941 |
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." | 4,942 |
Hey do you have a laptop? Me: Yes i do! (points to the top of my lap) | 4,943 |
"Dad what's a condom?" "Something I should've worn" | 4,944 |
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.
Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked
the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have
three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your
lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." | 4,945 |
Son: I just had sex with my teacher!! Dad: Good for you son!! Let's go to the store. I want to buy you a bicycle!
Son: That's ok Dad. The seat would hurt my butt... | 4,946 |
I'm not worried about Drake getting Coronavirus. He never gets with anything over 18. | 4,947 |
To the kids who teepeed my house this past Halloween: The joke’s on you now | 4,948 |
What does South Dakota and old men have in common? They all have Deadwood. | 4,949 |
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove. "I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white Vet." As they smiled and
nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.
"Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe." | 4,950 |
Bubba's wife finally talked him in to going to the doctor, as he had not been feeling well. After the Doc examined him he sat both of them down and told them he would still need a stool sample, a specimen of urine, & and a semen sample. Bubba looked at his wife and asked.."what does all that mean?".
She answered..."he needs a pair of your dirty underwear!'. | 4,951 |
Jokes about Feminine Hygiene are the lowest form of humor Period. | 4,952 |
When is posotivity bad When testing for Corona Virus | 4,953 |
I told my girlfriend I could cure her headache by going down on her. "How long it will take?"
"Lickitysplit." | 4,954 |
HI darling, I’m down the pub with the lads having a quiet drink. Unfortunately, someone just coughed everywhere so we have been quarantined. See you in 14 days..” | 4,955 |
Quarantine? I've been mastering it for years. I'm a freelancer. | 4,956 |
Did you hear about how Bart shot his dad in the leg? He was charged with attempted Homer-cide | 4,957 |
What does a snail do when they’re in bankruptcy? They shell out! | 4,958 |
One time, I went fishing. I caught a sea bass. It started playing very loud music. Turns out, it was sea bass boosted. | 4,959 |
What do you call a Toyota full of itallians? a Toyota Corona.. | 4,960 |
Day three of quarantine. I can feel my fitness level depleting and my body fat increasing.
I have not been to the gym for three years. | 4,961 |
Have you heard of the new male hygiene deodorant called "Umpire"? It gets rid of foul balls. | 4,962 |
The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television. The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity. | 4,963 |
My girlfriend and I were coming up with baby boy names and we came across the name Saul. I asked if he turned out to be a good person would his name change to Paul? | 4,964 |
What's the nickname of the Silent Generation Reddit users? The Elder Scrolls. | 4,965 |
I thought my blood made me more susceptible to corona virus. But it was actually a Type-O | 4,966 |
All shops including beauty salons have been shut down! ....those that roams the streets now look even more deadlier than corona! | 4,967 |
Qualifies for a "Dad Joke"? Where does the General keep his armies?
Up his Sleevies | 4,968 |
Scientist say ticks will be especially bad this year Guess we're going to have some cases of Corona with Lyme. | 4,969 |
I got a Russian Uber driver today. His name was Pickup Andropov!!.. | 4,970 |
What do you get when you come across a mentally ill loner in a society that abandons him and treats him like trash? I’ll tell you what you get, you get what you f*cking deserve! | 4,971 |
What's your favorite drink during the quarantine? Mine is a Quarantini, a little shaken and a little stirred crazy. | 4,972 |
What did the Redditor say when he had to read the terms and conditions gain? I already read it. | 4,973 |
There are 10 different kind of people... ...those who understand binary and those who don't. | 4,974 |
For those hoarding mouthwash: Remember that you should never flush Listerine® down the toilet. It's an anti-septic. | 4,975 |
I don't understand how one can come in second place in biathlon... ...when you got a rifle with you. | 4,976 |
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer. ​
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.
"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."
Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.
But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"
Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach."
Stevie replies, "Midnight!" | 4,977 |
What do you call a mummy wearing a banana hammock??? Fruit of the Tomb | 4,978 |
It's home time If the schools are closed for too long, the parents are gonna find a vaccine before the scientists. | 4,979 |
Why does a bored chef cut herbs? He wants to waste thyme!
I’ll let myself out | 4,980 |
All these reposts are an illness Cause I'm sick of them | 4,981 |
I wanted to tell a time travel joke... ...but you didn't like it. | 4,982 |
How do hunchbacks have sex? They hump. | 4,983 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was all cooped up from the virus and wanted to get eggsercise | 4,984 |
Barber and his son Barber and his son walks on the street.
Barber's son doesn't know any swear words and someone says "d\*ck" on the way. Kid asks his dad: "What does d\*ck mean?" And dad says: "Chair".
Then,they continue walking. Someone says: "Fu\*k" then,kid asks this too. Dad says: "Shaving".
They finally arrive at the barber,dad says: "I'm going to buy some cigarettes." Then goes to grocery.
A customer comes and asks the child: "Where is the barber?"
And the child says: "Sit on that d\*ck,my dad is going to fu\*k you when he comes." | 4,985 |
What game ruins most relationships? Russian Roulette | 4,986 |
My girlfriend is treating me like god... ...she doesn't speak to me unless she needs something. | 4,987 |
A General noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it." | 4,988 |
While in Quarantine, it's a great time to start a small business... ...because then you will have a little company. | 4,989 |
Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic Without dem, it would be a panic. | 4,990 |
Why did the musician wreck his car? He couldn't stop in time because of the drum brakes. | 4,991 |
A man was driving home from work when he got a call from his wife... “Be careful, honey,” she said. “I saw on the news that there’s some idiot going the wrong way on the highway that you take to get home.”
The man was confused.
“What do you mean?” he said. “There isn’t one person going the wrong way, there are hundreds of them!” | 4,992 |
The tories new slogan after the coronavirus..... Bereave means bereave | 4,993 |
What does a gay rooster say? Cock a dude or two | 4,994 |
My sister's name is Tabitha So I asked my sister, "Hey Tab, if you have kids, are they you're tablets?" | 4,995 |
I heard ISIS have suspended all recruitment.. Apparently it’s something to do with a lack of mass gatherings. | 4,996 |
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined. I can’t deal with high maintenance women. | 4,997 |
What’s Hilary Clinton’s favorite holiday? New Year’s, because it’s when she has the best Outlook. | 4,998 |
It’s not that hard to get into the Naval Forces I mean, we were all semen at one point. | 4,999 |
Franklin D. Roosevelt was a flat earther The only thing he has to fear was sphere itself | 5,000 |
Do you know what makes me want to throw up? A dartboard attached to the ceiling. | 5,001 |
Doctor: Sir your son has been born with no eyelids. Father: Oh my, is their anything you can do.
Doctor: We may be able to use the skin from the circumcision but their is one problem.
Father: Oh no what is it.
Doctor: Your son will always be a little cock-eyed | 5,002 |
Do you think I can't swim? Why I otter! | 5,003 |
Got in a big fight with my wife, told her she doesn’t agree with me on anything! She said yes I do. | 5,004 |
A man has been robbed so he goes to the pet store to get a guard dog. When he gets to the pet store he explains what he wants to the owner.
Owner: wait here for me. I’ve exactly what you’re looking for!
The man waits and a few minutes later the owner returns with an adorable puppy.
Man: I don’t think you understood, I want a dog that can protect me.
Owner: This isn’t just any puppy, it’s a ninja puppy!
Man: Not possible!
Owner: Let me show you. You just say attack twice and than the object you want the dog to attack. Watch! Attack, attack that pillow.
As promised, the dog rips the pillow to shreds. The man is very impressed and immediately purchases the dog. Later that day, his best friend comes over and asks him how he’s dealing.
Man: Very well actually, I just purchased a dog to protect me.
Friend: Where is it?
The man shows him the puppy and his friend immediately starts laughing.
Friend: That dog can’t protect you!
Man: Yes it can, I tell it what to attack and it rips it to shreds!
Friend: Attack, attack... my ass! | 5,005 |
I bet on a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
- Henny Youngman | 5,006 |
If it weren't for sex, I would have gained 20 punds already I gained 30 | 5,007 |
I hate how my phone gets those amber alert notifications that are ridiculously loud and impossible to turn off... ...like I KNOW she's missing..she's in my trunk | 5,008 |
I was stuck in an Eastern European country. I walked around all day looking for an open restaurant but everything had been shut down because of the Coronavirus. So I left Hungary and went looking for Turkey. | 5,009 |
Why do vampires seem sick all the time? Because they're always coffin! | 5,010 |
A man doesn't walk into a bar ...because he is social distancing like a responsible citizen | 5,011 |
Pepper Spray and Grit are what's coming Prepare for the seasoning of discontent | 5,012 |
A man with a nickname "Hot Fist" going to the burning house, extinguish the fire and save the family stuck inside the house And he is a firefighter. | 5,013 |
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