text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
What is the opposite of adulting? What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding. | 5,115 |
With the quarantine and all the bars closed, I got some opportunity to talk to my wife. She actually seems like a nice person. | 5,116 |
Two men are discussing a business transaction. Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"
Seller: "You mean a choir?"
Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?" | 5,117 |
Irish Cop and a Flasher *Said best with alternating Irish accents*
One day an old Irish beat cop on the streets of Belfast is arresting a flasher for the 25th time. He says, Angus, I’ve arrested you 25 times over the years, once a year for every year I’ve been a beat cop, but I’m retiring this month and I think you should consider doing the same.
The flasher says well Officer Murphy I appreciate the advice but I think I’ll stick it out for another couple of years. | 5,118 |
The most offensive thing as a black man is when you walking down the street and an old white woman clutches her purse. Bitch really thinks she stronger than me. | 5,119 |
What's the difference between a wet raccon and Donald Trump's hair A wet raccon doesn't have 7 billion dollars in the fucking bank | 5,120 |
I was going to make a gay joke Butt fuck it | 5,121 |
Did you hear about the gym for kids? It’s called Gymmy Saville | 5,122 |
Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned" | 5,123 |
2020 one-ish liners 2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.
-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.
-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘Cause if we got 6 more plagues coming, forget buying toilet paper, think I could actually like, successfully overdose on bacon?
-Do aliens meme yet? ‘Cause I think it might be time for Reddit to ask those mf’s for help.
-Where’s the ladder constellation? Apparently Earth recently walked under it.
-Please tell me Ashton Kutcher is about to pop out and try and explain how the virus was just a Corona advertising campaign taken too far. Like all of El Chapo’s never-found, non-seized cocaine on the table in the board room too far. Then they called Ashton and it only got worse.
-That guy who translated those Mayan calendars to 2012, somebody did actually double-check his work, right?
-You know what angels are saying to each other right now? “2020? AD? Meh.. so far I’d say I definitely prefer the Justin Timberlake album.”
*edit- for spacing | 5,124 |
There have been several small quakes in California since the beginning of the COVID19 outbreak, and scientists have determined that San Diego and Oceanside are now about 6 feet further apart. They’re calling it SoCal distancing. | 5,125 |
A woman in labor suddenly shouted "couldnt","Wouldnt","Didnt", "cant!" The doctor said, Dont worry, they are just contractions | 5,126 |
What does an Italian person do when they are unclean? They take a ciao-er | 5,127 |
Louis CK always has something in his hand It’s either his microphone, or his micropenis | 5,128 |
what do you call a evil creature with boobs? a soulless entitty | 5,129 |
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? A Re-morse code | 5,130 |
Breaking up in 2020 "we need to practice social distancing" | 5,131 |
If Black Panther made Jewish bread for Thor's party would it be T'Challa's Valhalla gala challah? | 5,132 |
What do you use to make pickled bread? Dill dough. | 5,133 |
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender | 5,134 |
Why didnt the vampire attack taylor swift? cuz she got bad blood | 5,135 |
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case hes got a hole in one | 5,136 |
halloween, the one day a year money really does grow on trees while in the age of covid-19 at least | 5,137 |
Why do you applaud when you laugh? Because if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! | 5,138 |
What's the difference between a hoe and a businessman? The businessman says "pleasure to do business with you" and the hoe says "business to do pleasure with you". | 5,139 |
Did you hear about the blind guy who was killed by a man masturbating in a pennywise costume? He never saw IT cumming. | 5,140 |
Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out. She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.” | 5,141 |
Money can't buy you happiness... ... and toilet paper | 5,142 |
im pretty sure i know who started the Carowner virus the Carowner virus was started by Carolla | 5,143 |
Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery. Patient: My name is not David.
Doctor: I know... I'm David. | 5,144 |
I hope the coronavirus is a girl. Then I won't get it. | 5,145 |
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!" A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.
"Doctor I cant taste anything!"
Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.
The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!"
Doc gets his $100.
Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory.
Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!"
Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!".
Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated.
Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight.
Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills.
Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!"
Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100." | 5,146 |
An old "sound guy" joke: What's the difference between a bull and a blues band? With a bull, you get the horns in the front and the asshole in the back! | 5,147 |
Why do we put candles on top of a cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom! | 5,148 |
You know, I always thought my parents were good liars. I believed this until they said I was planned | 5,149 |
A woman ordered a dildo on Amazon and it finally arrived and she couldn't wait to use it..... It was called The Magic Dildo. The instructions said that all you have to do is say "Magic dildo my vagina" and then it will do its thing.
So she eagerly said "Magic dildo my vagina" and sure enough the dildo floated in the air and flew up her skirt and started giving her pleasure.
It was so good that she started screaming and moaning making a bunch of noise.
That's when her neighbor in the apartment complex started banging on her door wondering what was going on.
He said "Are you OK in there." she came to the door and said "Yes I'm sorry, I apologize it was my magic dildo. I'll keep it down."
The neighbor man said "Yeah right lady there's no such thing."
"Magic dildo my ass." | 5,150 |
Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell. "Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement." | 5,151 |
During an accident in the lab, a scientist was cooled to absolute zero. Don't worry, he's 0K. | 5,152 |
Kids these days are way more grown up at an early age then when I was a kid. What we need is a way to... Youthenize them. | 5,153 |
The Preacher's Faith in God A preacher who was not able to swim fell into the ocean when he was alone out fishing. Later, a boat came by and asked the preacher if he needed help. Calmly, the preacher replied, "No, God will save me." Just a little later, a fisherman in a boat came by, asking the preacher if he needed help. Once again, the preacher said, "No, God will save me." Pretty soon, the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool! I sent you two boats!" | 5,154 |
Another name for a going away party: A hoe down hoedown. | 5,155 |
What kind of matter is a star? A Sirius matter. | 5,156 |
Thanks to COVID, from now on, whenever I'm in an elevator, I'll be using my dick to press the buttons. Hopefully I don't ever have to go above the third floor. | 5,157 |
A zombie walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."
So two zombies walk out of the bar. | 5,158 |
Clark Kent These days Clark have to sneak in the Daily Planet as his temperature is 106 degrees F | 5,159 |
My friend is rich... Dude has so much toilet paper, he is literally wiping his ass with it! | 5,160 |
Friendly reminder that all the solutions to this epidemic stem from socialism I remember reading that during the Great Depression, the value of the American dollar collapsed so much that people felt it was a better use of money to burn dollar bills in the fireplace as kindling. I say all that to say that even if things economically go to shit and all the toilet paper is gone, at least we can all still use the money the government sends us to wipe our asses | 5,161 |
I’m pretty sure I won’t get COVID-19... I mean, I haven’t even seen the first one. | 5,162 |
I got struck by a golden axe Au! | 5,163 |
No head? A young couple are 10 minutes into a Netflix and chill session, still on the Netflix part. The girl saying jokes on and on. She then says "wanna know what the circumcised guy said to the uncircumcised guy?". He, ready to leave, replies "so, no head?"
Sorry if it's unfunny, my sister told me a similar joke with, in my opinion, bad execution. Tried to make it into a proper joke. | 5,164 |
What happens when your dinner table catches the coronavirus? It turns into a coughy table. | 5,165 |
Remember when you feel as if time slowed down? It's caused by the gravity of the situation. | 5,166 |
Corona Virus defeated Breaking news from China :” No death cases of corona virus reported in China for 3 days and only 5 new infections, all communist part officials”
In totally unrelated news ;” a surge in suicides in China reported , all victims killed them self withe 2 bullets to the back of the head and have known at least one person infected withe corona “
Edit:” yes I may be drunk and can’t spell- hope you guys like it “ | 5,167 |
What do you call Dalai Lama eating cream? Malai Lama! | 5,168 |
It was 11 years ago that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy"with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand | 5,169 |
Who's faster than Flash? Flash's cameraman! | 5,170 |
I always get an A+ on my Microsoft Office tests. I Excel at it. | 5,171 |
[Pokemon] If Corviknight is a poison type pokemon, its name would be... Covid-knighteen | 5,172 |
What's brown and runs around your garden? A fence | 5,173 |
What’s the difference between a violin and a cello. A cello burns longer. | 5,174 |
What do you call it when a person only votes up a post after an edit to either improve the post or give details on a more current version of said post? An updoot for an update. | 5,175 |
Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about getting the corona virus He never catches anything! | 5,176 |
Which condiment needs to use the bathroom urgently Must-turd | 5,177 |
What did the cholo say when the house fell on him? Get off me homes. | 5,178 |
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, it's not four. My basement is pitch black. | 5,179 |
Corona effect Pandemic gives rise to pandemonium | 5,180 |
What was the alcoholic literature teacher’s favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird! | 5,181 |
What's the difference between snowman and snowoman? Where you put the carrot. | 5,182 |
Day one of homeschool teaching I can’t believe my boyfriend is sleeping with his sons teacher | 5,183 |
My dicks not big.. Im just big boned. | 5,184 |
A man walks into a bar barely able to walk from drinking all day with his wife Upon entering he asks the bartender a question
Man: Do you have any Tequila?
Bartender: Yeah gimme a second
After an hour of drinking he becomes so drunk he starts rambling on about his emotions
Man: I've f- *burp* elt a bit suicidal for the past few months and came to get some noose
Bartender: Sir this is a bar not Home Depot | 5,185 |
My gym trainer told me to stop eating dairy products to lose weight He'd butter be right! | 5,186 |
I’ve figured out why there’s no toilet paper left. The worlds gone to shit and yall are a bunch of assholes. | 5,187 |
Yo mamma’s so fat You can’t get social distancing from her. | 5,188 |
What is the one thing you should never say during a 9/11 documentary Jenga | 5,189 |
Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead... And hoarding shells. | 5,190 |
A baby polar bear asks his mom "Momma am I 100% polar bear?"
"Of course you're 100% polar bear" she answers "go ask your father."
So he asks "Daddy am I a 100% polar bear?"
"Of course you're 100% polar bear.
I'm 100% polar bear, your mom's 100% polar bear.
Her parents are 100% polar bear,
my parents are 100% polar bear.
You are 100% polar bear!
Why do you ask?"
"Cause I'm fucking freezing." | 5,191 |
Why did the pothead trip? She was wearing high heels | 5,192 |
How to mess with your master - a dog's perspective * Stand beside your master's bed a 3:00 AM and make a loud sharp bark.
* If master has any sense he will take us cue to rise from his sweet sleep and take you outside for a walk. If not go to the half bathroom on the first floor and do your business.
* (Assuming your master was obedient) go outside and smell as many blades of grass that your nose can encounter. Walk very slowly. If master tries to go back inside, sit on the ground until he heels!
* Do your business and wait for master to clean up after you.
* Once inside wait until master is back in bed, give him ten minutes to return to dreamland and start the whole barking nonsense.
* Master will arise a second time, go back downstairs an replenish your food and water.
* When master is back in bed start barking again!! | 5,193 |
I've had it with all of the shit about Corona Virus It's making me sick | 5,194 |
My Favorite pick up lines LOL \- Your like my homework. I'd slam you on my desk and do you all night.
\- Are your pants on sale? Because I want them 100% off.
**How to win ANYONE'S heart**
\- Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is..........................................................................FUCKED UP | 5,195 |
A jew is in the hospital with Coronavirus Moishe was put into a hospital with a confirmed case of Coronavirus, and so, is obviously quarantined.
The doctor came in and Moishe asked “Doctor, what can I be treated with?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “from today, you’ll be on a strict Matzah diet.”
“Matzah diet?”
“Yeah. Matzah for breakfast, matzah for lunch and matzah for dinner.”
“And that’s gonna help, doctor?”
The doctor considered him for a moment and said “Help? It might, or it might not. But its the only food that fits under the door.” | 5,196 |
a dick's life A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually. | 5,197 |
This Coronavirus pandemic will definitely be over by the end of the month. I didn't say which month. | 5,198 |
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get out of stock | 5,199 |
Space cake fusses with yo head 3 guys playing overwatch.
[jonahtan]: “I am going to bed soon”
[ 10 second silence]
[tom]: “Jonathan we are gonna play hide and seek”
[me unconsciously]: “yes Jonathan you made hide in your bed but we may not seek in your room” | 5,200 |
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb? He got a bright idea. | 5,201 |
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection... Judge says, 'First offender?'
Woman says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!' | 5,202 |
In Soviet Russia, Coronavirus get you. Just like everywhere else. | 5,203 |
Just had my birthday- I’m not a 29 year old virgin anymore... now I’m a 30 year old virgin. | 5,204 |
I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary. I was afraid I might get ghosted. | 5,205 |
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. | 5,206 |
Never tell a drunk guy... That he has corona. | 5,207 |
PSA Terrorists have announced they will no longer be taking hostages or using human shields, the risk isn't worth it. | 5,208 |
When I'm cooking, I always make sure to have vegetarian options... They can make do or they can fuck off. | 5,209 |
The wall A friend just called from outside a Home Depot in Mexico, he said people were exchanging ladders for bags of concrete and posts. | 5,210 |
The first time using an elevator is a pretty uplifting experience. The second time will let you down though. | 5,211 |
I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet, I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin." | 5,212 |
Do you want know how to let an idiot wait? I’m gonna tell you later... | 5,213 |
How is hitler like a boston marathon runner? Neither can finish a race | 5,214 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.