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My friend is homeschooling but it's not going well Had to fire the teacher for drinking on the job. | 5,014 |
Japanese drive so bad that Probably Pearl Harbor was an accident | 5,015 |
Pandemic dating is weird. Last night I asked a girl at the grocery store for her digits ... And she wrote down her temperature. | 5,016 |
wfh looks so similar to wtf visually soon it is going to start feeling similar too for a lot of us | 5,017 |
What does Clark Kent have for an appetizer? A soup or salad | 5,018 |
Quarantine booty call: \- Come over.
\- Can't, I'm in self isolation
\- But my parents aren't home...
\- WHY THE FUCK NOT? | 5,019 |
Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair? Because when you drag em by their feet, they fill up with dirt! | 5,020 |
I was bombarded with a Breitling, a TAG Heuer, a Rolex, a Seiko, a Citizen, a Cartier, and a Guess I think I’m being watched | 5,021 |
Dear Boomers Your grandparents were called to fight in world wars. You're being called to wash your hands and sit on the couch......Don't fuck this up!! | 5,022 |
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a termite? One eats the houses, and the other houses the eats! | 5,023 |
How many doors does a chicken coop have? Three. Two on the sides and one in the BOK | 5,024 |
How ugly are you? I take 10 pictures of myself and delete 12. | 5,025 |
Coronavirus jokes are like toilet paper: High demand, but we're running out | 5,026 |
I gave the woman next door the coronavirus. Her husband's fuming.
And I feel morally guilty.
It goes against everything I was taught.
Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour's wife. | 5,027 |
My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company.... No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper. | 5,028 |
[NSFW] What do you call an Asian Jewish girl that edits her photos? A gefilta fish | 5,029 |
What do my wife and dog have in common They both get excited when i bring out the leash | 5,030 |
A professor, a janitor, and the school's principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he can't take the kids' screaming any longer, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The principal says "I'll be a waitress. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze." She is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive her insane, so she smashes her plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'd like to be an artist." He is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, and sells it for several million dollars. The fairy asks the janitor "The other two did not go well at their job. How were you able to become so successful?"
The janitor says "I have a masters degree in art." | 5,031 |
What did the girl say to the hot European? Czech him out! | 5,032 |
What's brown and swings from the bell tower ? The lunch bag of Notre Dame | 5,033 |
Bought a radio with a broken volume knob for £2 I just couldn’t turn it down. | 5,034 |
Why are condoms never black? Because black makes you look thinner. | 5,035 |
A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.
A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, “I’m finished. But you should know that your car’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.” | 5,036 |
I have a friend name Bich Please don't start saying her name with an extra letter in the middle | 5,037 |
I haven’t seen this one here before... What’s the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the hint. | 5,038 |
The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins... The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the second man, and tells him the same thing. The man enters the room and is silent for five minutes. He comes out crying and says he can't do it. He is subsequently sent home.
The recruiter then tells the woman the same thing, that her husband is in the interrogation room and that she must kill him. She snatches the gun from him and storms into the room. There is immediately the sound of gunshots, followed by a loud banging noise, until finally silence.
She storms out of the room and slams the gun on the floor, "This gun is loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the fucking chair!" | 5,039 |
French Woman The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window. | 5,040 |
Too good to be true I walked into a bar and the barman said they were offering free drinks.
"All you have to do is hit the bits of beef I have up there"
I looked up and there was two pieces of meat hung above the bar. I looked at him and said
"No thanks. The steaks are too high" | 5,041 |
I'm a lot like parking in LA. I require constant validation. | 5,042 |
News just in: Finland to close their borders because of COVID-19 Looks like no one will be able to cross the Finnish line | 5,043 |
Someone once asked me if memes could exist in superposition. Well yes, but actually, no. | 5,044 |
Swingers I tell you how bad things are....I went to this swinger's party last night and we all chucked our car keys into a bowl of disinfectant. | 5,045 |
I’m putting together a fundraiser for pregnant mothers.… So let me know if your wife will be late. | 5,046 |
Good Family Joke There's a family at the park next to the woods. Usually I just sit on the bench and play with mulch but I couldn't help myself from staring at the father. Every 5 or so minutes, a wolf would howl from the woods and the man would retreat back to his truck. I thought to myself, "What's this man scheming behind his truck when he should be protecting his family from wolves? How unprofessional". Filled with fatherly rage I ran over to the family and gathered them in a corner so that I could guard them from potential threats. Unfortunately, one slipped between my legs and dragged the children away and in to the maw of mother nature. Soon after, I made my way back to the father to inform him of what happened and he was just sitting behind his truck twiddling his thumbs. "Your children are gone and you're just sitting here playing stupid thumb games. What's going on in that primordial brain of yours?" He shrugged, hopped in his truck and drove off without his wife. As it turns out I was actually trapped in the Chimpanzee/Wolf enclosure at the zoo and everything I just witnessed was completely natural and not at all abnormal behaviour for these creatures. | 5,047 |
My Dad is Happy About Social Distancing Now he has an excuse to never give me a hug. :( | 5,048 |
People keep telling me I’m tall I’m not that tall. I’m just 6’ 8”... two different measurements. | 5,049 |
I'm a teacher. If your child is doing school work at home in the coming weeks and you’re struggling then please feel free to ask... ... someone else as I want to watch every season of The Wire | 5,050 |
Why do ducks have tail feathers? To hide their buttquacks! | 5,051 |
We've had empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings, now we have countries Ruled by... | 5,053 |
A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon His last words were, “This is normal to me” | 5,054 |
Vaccine, vaccine If schools are closed too long then, parents are going to find a vaccine before scientists do | 5,055 |
Chuck Norris has tested positive for Coronavirus After months of excruciating pain the virus died. | 5,056 |
Good Turtle Joke There's a man at my lake. It's night time so I'm not sure what he's wearing but I can clearly make out that he's pulling turtles out of the lake. Never have I seen an event like this before and that's coming from someone that closely monitors his lake 24/7. Why my turtles? Why my lake? So anyways I'm writing him up a ticket and he attempts to flee with 2 or 3 of the turtles in a suitcase. I tackled him and tried to save my turtles but by the time I opened the suitcase, all of the turtles had disposed of their shells and subsequently passed away. I'm 100% certain that they committed suicide. The man now has PTSD (Post-turtle suicide disorder) and I let him sleep in my bed as long as he stays away from my lake. | 5,057 |
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage. It was bread in captivity. | 5,058 |
Blind man walks into a shopping mall Picks up his lead dog by the leash and starts spinning over his head.
Security: ah, sir, what are you doing?
Blind man: nothing, why? Just looking around. | 5,059 |
First confirmed COVID 19 case in Russia has been named Ivor Chestikov | 5,060 |
There are people infected in Greenland Some guy really thought that the Plague Inc. Thing would work! What a stupid person, he should've gone to Madagascar! | 5,061 |
Did you hear that the dalai llama died recently? He had karunavirus. | 5,062 |
Why did primitive cultures have rain dance ceremonies? They always increased the chants of rain. | 5,063 |
Why did the Coronavirus cross the road? Cuz it likes to walk old people to the other side. | 5,064 |
Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier. Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.
Comrade Stalin who is the only viewer in an auditorium slowly lights his pipe and takes a few puffs.
“Don’t you think that this guy with his mustache looks very much similar to comrade Stalin?”
Stalin takes a few puffs. “I think right decision will be to execute director and scriptwriter of that play”. A few puffs. “Execute all actors and musicians”. A few puffs. ”and all other personal of theater as well as all their families”.
Director, actors and all other staff watch him in total horror.
And than speaks some young handyman. “Maybe the actor should shave off his mustache?”
“Or something like that” says comrade Stalin. | 5,065 |
Do you know why reddit has the concept of cake day? Because everyone knows you're not celebrating your real birthday with anyone.
^(It was my birthday a while ago. It's my cake day tomorrow, and here I am.)
Edit : oh my god why. This is already the biggest birthday bash I’ve ever had. | 5,066 |
I woke up this morning... I woke up this morning to find all by books and knick-knacks scattered all over the floor.
I've only got my shelf to blame. | 5,067 |
Blind man goes for surgery A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly." | 5,068 |
What do you call a person who is so open minded that he/she even share their Sex reassignment surgery with their children? ​
​
​
​
​
​
Transparent | 5,069 |
A blind man walks into a bar Then a table
Then a stool | 5,070 |
Why is reddit communist? Because their text is barely capitalized | 5,071 |
I’m rationing toilet paper Which means I still have shit on my ass | 5,072 |
To all those at home because of the corona virus. Don't worry so much. It's an isolated situation. | 5,073 |
Why did the smart yet absent-minded stoner fail English? >!He could never find his papers.!< | 5,074 |
That virus Say what you will, but COVID19 has made "dabbing" cool again. | 5,075 |
Yo mama so fat She had to be baptized in the pacific ocean | 5,076 |
Who's the only person over 58kg to ride a Melbourne Cup winner? Chris Munce's cellmate. | 5,077 |
LPT: Speak any modern Western language Every modern Western language is based on six vowel sounds. Knowing where to put them, when, how, and why allows you to be conversational easily. Learn what they are, learn where to put them. Don't panic, drink fluids, relax.
Meaning the easiest way to be conversationally fluent is to being good at having a vowel movement | 5,078 |
2 guys are hunting.. In the woods and they come across a sheep stuck in the fence. 1st guy says, "hey dude, I'm not gonna lie, I haven't had sex in a while. I'm going to fuck that sheep."
So the guy bangs the sheep from behind and says, "you want a turn?"
2nd guy says, "hell yeah, that looks fun."
So the 2nd guy puts his head in the fence. | 5,079 |
Yo mama so fat that when she goes into the deep sea everyone thinks she is a new island | 5,080 |
One night at the whore house.. A hooker hears the doorbell ring and goes downstairs. She opens the door and doesn't see anyone. So, she goes back inside. About a minute later she hears the doorbell again and checks it out. No one is there again.
She looks around and looks down. She sees a guy with no arms or legs. She says, "What am I supposed to do with you?"
He says, " I rang the doorbell didn't I? " | 5,081 |
What do you call an astrological sign result in 3.141592675 seconds PI-sces | 5,082 |
I know it’s nothing to laugh about now but in years to come this whole quarantine thing is going to be... ...a really good inside joke. | 5,083 |
A man bursts into a confession booth "Father!" he cries, hardly able to breathe. "For the last month I have been having daily orgies with just me and 5 women from my street. Two of the women are a twins"
"My child, this is wanton. I can absolve you but once this has stopped"
"There has been much sodomy Father. Every depraved thought I have is acted out by them. They idolise me and subjugate themselves for me"
"This is not a light sin my child. I can bless you now, but can only absolve you if you can stop this. Let us talk again together after this Sunday's mass"
"Oh I won't be there"
"And why not?"
"We have an orgy planned for all day on Sunday"
"THIS IS DISGRACEFUL!!! How can you call yourself a catholic!!"
"Oh... I'm not a catholic..."
"Then why are you telling me all this then!?!"
The man has already left the confession booth. He shouts back merrily "I'm telling everyone!!" | 5,084 |
If there is a more formal shutdown of everything but essential services, will that include toilet paper manufacturers? If it does, that would truly be a shitty situation..... | 5,085 |
Why would Jesus Christ be a great soccer player? He really knows how to nail a cross... | 5,086 |
The IT department only had 403 COVID19 cases Case 404 was never found. | 5,087 |
Your mom is so fat that her favorite piece of jewelry is the food chain | 5,088 |
Your mother is so fat that when she screams at someone in the street he says to her: "First off, take off a ton. Then we'll talk" | 5,089 |
What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street? Au! | 5,090 |
Your mom so ugly She make blind kids cry | 5,091 |
Coronavirus alerts across the world
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. | 5,092 |
If one's a person, two's a couple, and three's a crowd, what's four and five? Nine. | 5,093 |
My one night stand asked me “What’s your secret?” in bed? “I’m always edging.” | 5,094 |
A Man and his dog are stranded on an island Their ship sank and only they survived.
The First thing the man does is find water and a source of food. However, after some time has passed the man begins to explore the island, with his dog always by his side.
He finds nothing but a goat at the other end of the island.
At first, he thinks nothing of the goat, but a few years pass by and he begins to think more and more of the goat. It reaches the point where he actually begins to find the goat attractive in his mind, since he's had no intimacy with anyone and feels so starved of his sexual life. He was in need.
One day he says "fuck it" and decides to approach the goat. He comes near it and begins to smell it, caress it and whisper sweet nothings into its ear. But his dog was not having it and immediately began barking at him loudly. The man was unaffected. He was deeply hipnotized by the goat and was already beginning to remove his clothes. In that moment the dog reacted with deep jealousy and bit his ankle. The man put his clothes back on and grabbed the dog and dragged him all the way back to the other side of the island so he could be alone with the goat. Once they were, he just went for it and put his peepee inside the goat and began to make crazy love to the goat. But the dog had made its way back and once again attacked the man disrupting his intercourse with the goat. This time the man was angry as shit and not only did he give the dog a beating but he tied him to a coconut tree with some improvised materials he found. He was still erect as a geeser and proceeded to fornicate frantically with the goat.
Once again, just as the man was about to colossally ejaculate, the dog, who had freed itself, was once again barking and bitting with all its might, interrupting the sex act at the most crucial moment.
In that precise moment suddenly a smoking hot nude woman washes up on the shore unconscious. The man forgets all about the fight and rescues the lady with some cpr. The woman quickly comes back to life and says "who are you? You saved my life! I owe you. I will do anything you say, please let me repay you?!
" You'll do anything?" says the man
" yes!!! Anything at all!!! She replies
"OK, can you just please hold my dog?" | 5,095 |
A man walks into a public bathroom. And can’t wipe his ass because there is no toilet paper. | 5,096 |
Steam hissing out from under his hood, a Walrus pulls his convertible into a service station... The service station attendant looks over and says "looks like you've blown a seal"
"No I haven't," says the Walrus, "I've just finished an ice-cream." | 5,097 |
Why does nobody wants to speak to the manager anymore? ... they're all in karentaine. | 5,098 |
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. | 5,099 |
When the young couple had their first babythe task of passing on the news fell to the father. He called up one person and said, "Hi there! It's a boy!"
There was a pause at the other end. Then a voice said hesitantly:
"Yes, I can tell that, but ... who are you?" | 5,100 |
There’s three paraplegics. One is floating in water, one is on your door step and one is hanging on your wall. Meet Bob, Matt and Art. | 5,101 |
Knock knock Who's there?
My
My who?
My sex life.
Then I opened the door and nothing was there | 5,102 |
The biggest marketing budget ever. The Last of Us II. | 5,103 |
I was explaining to my third wife that I had been married twice before, and that both marriages tragically ended in death. Intrigued, the wife asks “How did they die?”
I explain “My first wife died after eating poisoned mushrooms while we were on our honeymoon.”
She says “I’m so sorry to hear that. What about the second wife?”
I respond with “She died of a mortal head injury. Fortunately for her, her suffering wasn’t long.”
“How did she injure her head?” my wife asks.
“Because she wouldn’t eat her mushrooms,” I explain. | 5,104 |
How do you make a Clown cry You throw a brick at it | 5,105 |
Two Germans are at a pub in London after a long day of business meetings. They're having a good 'ol laugh amongst eachother when one of them passes out on the floor. Not having been to Britain before, the other man cries out asking what number to call for help.
The bartender yells: "Nine, Nine, Nine"
To which the German replies: "Fuck you my friend needs help" | 5,106 |
Why is a pregnant person smarter than a normal person Cause the pregnant woman has 2 brains instead of 1 | 5,107 |
Believe it or not, Satan took a shot at being a YouTuber His channel got loads views
Too bad he didn't make a penny though
The channel got demonetized | 5,108 |
We shouldn't give up hopes of a crossover game between Uncharted and Assassin's Creed. After all, Nathan is true, Eddy thing is permitted. | 5,109 |
What do you say when someone is in denial about the laws of refractions? Snell's like teen spirit | 5,110 |
" I see, " , said the blind janitor,,, As he swept up dirt and saw dust,,,,,
"Wrote" that in 9th grade - 1989,,, pretty proud of that one,, or at least average looks proud... | 5,111 |
"What's in a name?" Son: Dad why did you named my sister Teresa?
Dad: It's cause your mom loved Easter, Teresa is an anagram.
Son: Oh wow now I got it dad.
Dad: No problem Alan. | 5,112 |
Necrophiliacs... ... get mourning wood. (NSFW) | 5,113 |
Why are gay people bad at Poker? They can't keep a straight face
(no offense to gay people) | 5,114 |
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